#ur life several ways
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you know what funny enough during all of the shit between the last few days my brother and i were doing our usual routine of awkwardly texting and then i noticed with his like letter saying how he loves and thanks me for dealing with this fucked situation he sent me like 50 bucks so i got my dad settled long enough for me to make a two bags of edibles deep call to him and we talked a lot
#personal#i called out the shit i thought i should#like we were both at negative times in our life#my negative didn’t break ur door 😐#and he was like fair that’s too my negative stuff negatively impacted your#ur life several ways#and we talked a bit through that and he was like you’ve been the emotional rock between us and always handled ur temper with more grace#and adding up all the hurts you gave me are nothing compared how good you’ve been to me/ in my life#and i emphasized that he’s been better to me/ my life than against it#also soemthing about him moving out causing this and i was like no a lot of these were issues when we were younger too#he also was like blame all my issues on mom and dad and i was like could have told you that in elementary#it wasn’t just bashing him but it felt good to call out those bits#and he even agreeed when i did!#he apologized and admitted i haven’t deserved any of this behavior#and he talked about his therapy and how he pretends to be me and his therapist him and it doesn’t feel good what he feels#he feels genuinely awful but understands if i can’t forgive him and go back or try to make soemthing new like what we had#and he misses just being able to talk to me And went over our bond through the years and emphasized how much he loves me#i mentioend that he mentioned therapy on christmas and i got a broken door for it#btw he didn’t apologize for the door bc he didn’t know about it when i revealed it i didnt describe the event to him and he couldn’t#pin point when it happened and was trying to see if he like. blacked it out. or something so that’s on me mostly#like 99% me 1% him for breaking it - my friends say he should have said sorry the second i told him regardless but meh#anyway he acknowledged that and acknowledged im gonna need to see it in action but he wants to work on being a better big brother to me#and he loves and misses me#it was nice actually it gave me a lot of what i needed i also offered to go to therapy with him so maybe on that but very nice and he’s#trying to help more with the dad situation- if nothing else is just acknowledging how fucked up this is i which is super needed
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after these leaks i just genuinely think megumi has depression like not even in a “wow haha he always pulls out mahoraga!” way but in an Oh my god his WHOLE LIFE has been in shambles since he was like 8 and i think he is like forever messed up
#this might be a severe misunderstanding of his character but also#we do not have nearly enough detail about his backstory and that worries me#we don’t have enough detail about him PERIOD#or at least from how i understand jjk#like maybe he pulls out mahoraga all the time because he’s willing to sacrifice himself all the time in like the craziest way possible#what do you mean i have to see a panel of him kneeling and crying and saying ‘that’s enough i don’t care anymore’#LET ME OUT AAAA TELL ME ITS NOT TRUE TELL ME ITS NOT TRUE#i just think that having a really messed up family dynamic and being raised by a teenager for most of your life would really fuck you up#but also like yeah i think that having to watch u kill ur own sister in your body is pretty bad#i just think he’s sad he makes me sad every time i see him#jjk 251#jjk spoilers#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#megumi fushiguro#jjk megumi
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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sorry for disappearing from tumblr for 3 months without saying anything but im back now :> hiiiiiii :> ill ramble a bit abt why i was gone in the tags. anyway yay hi guys :> good evening :> hows everyone doing :>
#i really do feel bad... i was originally just taking a few days off to catch up on assignments#but i got convinced the internet was poisoning my brain m i got super scared of coming back online for some reason i couldnt really identif#then i realized it was one of my classic attempts to self isolate to solve all my problems when all it actually was is self sabatoge.#many such cases!#so much has happened but also literally nothing has happened at all. crazy#youd think all that time not on tumblr would have made me more productive but it didnt. i just napped and wallowed.#i wish i could come back with more art or something but i lowkey got nothing. but im working on several things yay!! look forward to it#on the bright side i think i recognize the impulse a bit better now and im trying to stop shutting myself off from any kind of community#u know how it is when its almost ur birthday and u realize that time keeps passing and if u keep living the way u are -#- ur never going to be happy? yeah.#so im probly going to be a bit chattier online or at least try to be. im trying to live my life less afraid of everything in many ways#angel.txt
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more sk8. I think the cindereki stuff is extremely stupid but I am not immune to trying to conceptualize a princess gown in any setting
#sk8 the infinity#kyan reki#hasegawa langa#renga#if ur wondering yes the first gown I uh. pulled? from the brothers grimm version's idea#which I do prefer to the perrault/disney version. specifically bc there's no fairy#there are three balls happening on three consecutive nights and each night cinderella gets a gown and accessories from a tree#growing on her mom's grave#(the version I grew up with (translated to vietnamese) actually wrote it to be her dad's grave instead I literally dont know why)#and the wording is like. ''rain gold and silver on me'' or something like that? which is why all of the dangly bits in that design#(dont worry about the rest of the brothers grimms version. thats not important. dont think about it its not in the room with us)#also in this post: future!renga bc of fucking course. who do you think I am. who do you think I am#I see a character I love I immediately try to imagine a good future for them it is Simply my ways#ft. the lethal combo of being three kinds of queer + adhd + a teen#may just be bc I myself don't go to college lol. but I can't really imagine reki going to college. he'd get apprenticeship somewhere#like immediately. on sight. some uncle in nago would snatch him up a sentence in#I waffle on langa but him just getting out of the biggest shock of his life + severe depression would Not let go of his loved ones#so tbh I can't imagine him leaving okinawa either. at least right after high school#langa has the advantage of not giving a single shit about ''his potentials'' so he'll be chasing life's pleasures for a hot second thank you#also I believe in reki speaking at least passable conversational english thank you. he's trans and gay in asia#he's just also the kind of guy who has to think for a hot second to remember which way the written number 3 faces#''nailed the logic just plugged the wrong number in several times'' kind of guy#while langa's the ''doesn't understand the fundamental concept of puzzles'' kind of guy#man. this is like having two homunculi implanted in my brain. welcome boys come join leon pokemon#talk to each others while I do my job ok? thank you#that said. the comm queue should be finished up soon#(funny thing to say about three comms I know. but I will say it anyway)#and I'll take a few days break to unclench my brain and then get back into it#every day I learn new things about the dip pen. its great#okay. nap now tho. anything else can wait
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i feel rly sad and conflicted abt one of my best friends on earth but idk who to ask for advice bc i usually would have consulted her in this situation lmao
#shes cool and i dont want to lose her and i know Logically i love her but atm i feel so strange towards her#and idk what to do abt it bc i know in the past ive like...over-communicated a lot and over the last few yrs ive been trying to not do that#bc thats an anxious impulse i think .so like . self control#AND IMPORTANTLY . i may actually be the problem here ?? ok again i love her i dont want to lose her etc but basically ive noticed a pattern#which is that whenever she gets a bf/a man (even fwb) in her life she basically stops talking to me and the limited interactions we do have#become abt him. and while i support her it is acc too much. like we barely talked while she was w her ex bf until he became abusive and#then we talked a lottt like all our convos understandably were abt him . and then when they broke up we kept hanging out so i didnt rly see#the pattern there but still she seemed to centre men a lot in her life like sbe was excited to not date and find herself and then#immediately afterwards started seeing this other guy with whom shes basically in a relationship now#hes nice and all but like . HES ALL SHE TALKS ABT . actually we barely talk atp but when we do its abt him#she sends me reels sometimes but its all abt being jealous abt him etc . and shes bi but she said she doesnt like the idea of dating women#bc theyre scary . and i thought she was kidding in the ohhh women r so beautiful that theyre intimidating way but no she was being entirely#fr . she explained jts bc she was bullied by a girl in the past but like...bro ur ex bf literally abused you like surely you see men are#capable of just as much harm? but obvs who she dates is her own choice . but anyway she has consistently made plans w me then cancelled the#like an hr before . or asked to call me and then proceeded to not do so . when i ask her to meet/call its the same she just doesnt respond#or she cancels ? and while i understand anxiety sucks it feels SO WEIRD STILL . maybe im the problem slightly too bc ik i have no right to#feel this way but it rubs me the wrong way that ik she has so much time to spend w him/calls him all the time despite meeting him just a fe#months ago whereas i just have to like ...be ok w not actually having talked to her for a long time#its gotten to the point where when she says do you wanna meet/call i automatically respond yes and then just assume it doesnt happen . like#there have been several times over the past few months i double booked plans over when we were supposed to call/meet bc i was sure she#wouldnt show up and ive been right each time#like she sends me texts that she misses me or im her best friend etc etc occasionally and then acts rly . contrary to that ?#ive talked to her abt the issue w cancelling on me twice btw. when i was still dating the situationship person she would get sooo mad at#them for not respecting my time and shed tell me i deserve better etc etc and then like . she doesnt seem to respect my time at all#anyway she said she understand and she admits to like...being flaky etc but does nothing abt it#and its not like i can tell her to stop caring so much abt men bc we sorta had convos like that b4 she got This involved w this guy#and apparently it did nothing and the last thing i want is to police her relationships or get in her way#its just AUSHD AUGH#anyway i rly miss her it just doesnt feel the same at all anymore
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feeling like the several year old post i made abt the specific type grhman enjoyers acting like they r being Oppressed TM bc not everyone agrees w their opinions abt him is topical again. like come on now. i feel like 99% of the reason he’s a “controversial” character is because like. you cant express even the mildest observation of nuance beyond “he was a good person with good intentions whose actions had no negative impact because everything bad that happened was somehow someone else’s fault” or god forbid misogyny w/o people acting like you shot their dog lol
#not tagging this w shit lmao#its just the persecution complex the size of the sun idk#idc if people think this guy’s a poor widdle sad old man who did nothing wrong ever in his life#i think they have piss poor media literacy sure#but like ultimately people r entitled to have bad takes#but when ur going out of ur way to cry harassment bc someone on the internet disagreed w u. maybe its time to log off#idk i did my time in this shithole tar pit of discourse im out lol#p sure i blocked the like 3-4 people w very loud victim complexes on the topic already but like#for the record : i do not care#like. obviously dont harass people ???? over this ????#but also i know myself and several others that have been hounded for weeks or months for just. idk. not thinking hes a good person#or having the audacity to dislike him aloud#mine
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#god i have such a migraine i Rly do not need to be dealing w my mother's bullshit tonight#yes yeah lets go on a rant abt how much u hate having me around bc im disabled and cant do things myself#and rn can barely get out of bed let alone make food for myself#so u *offered* to make me dinner and when i accepted that offer and asked for a safe food so i wouldnt set off my other health issues#u threw a Fit bc it takes more than 10 mins to make and now ur storming around huffing and puffing#and going on abt how ur apparently my slave and i take advantage of u#...whaT?#i didnt ask u to do anything. u offered. and since then i've told u 4 times to just forget it nvm i'll skip dinner#but bc u know i have severe blood sugar issues and that would be bad for me u r now claiming ur 'trapped' doing this#aight#ok#just cut the shit and tell me u think im a burden and h8 me for existing#and that ur mother was right when she said i ruined ur life by being born the way i am#im so so tired of this fucking bullshit dance u keep doing#i get it u wish i was either normal or dead#sadly i am not. but ur truly making me consider the latter option these days jfc#ughhshshsjdj#ableism#ask to tag#fr tell me and i'll tag this w w/e u need i dont wanna trigger ppl w her nonsense#im too tired to even consider all the applicable tags rn#but just lmk
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Love Of My Life - Queen in Toronto (Oct. 8, 2024)
when i tell you i was sobbing..... the show was visually stunning, brian fumbled killer queen, adam came in a whole tone too high on the show must go on, weird space-dvorak reference but very cool (definitely wanna ask brian to elaborate on his space colonialism hyperfixation), EXPLOSIONS used as rhythmic accents. roger can't really handle the car fucker song anymore and tie your mother down was an extremely weird countrycore first verse but hey. do what u want man it's not like ur losing any money at this point. anyways im saying all this as a fan of Bad Queen the shit was camp and they owned it
we were blessed by the vocal ghost of freddie mercury and it was pretty nice to play EEEEEO with him and then get told fuck you :) what a brat
i had the cheapest tickets and this older lady next to me was blocking her ears whenever i sang along.... bestie they are amplified to the max, they specifically asked the crowd to sing along and their arena-rock work is specifically written to facilitate that. go sit through 3 hours of boring wagnerian antisemitism if you wanna sit absolutely still and quiet for an entire performance...
#brian may#queen#love of my life#i've never visited the queen tag because i'm afraid of the borhap stans and potential silly takes but i might start idk#i have SEVERAL things to say about harlequin and pagliacci and the Otherworldly and double-consciousness and shit but ur all gonna have to#wait for my fuckin thesis#deal with it#freddie mercury#roger taylor#adam lambert#im team john though i think it's sus the way these mfs are handling queen media. everything has to be the brian may PR show
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I had a dream that i was in this like gothic horror game church and ended up getting chased by a monster
Anyways the idea i have now is Asmodeus x MC/Reader x Priest
#i wanna try to write down like a bullet point list cause honestly it doesnt sound like it BUT#its supposed to be cute on asmos side#and scary on the priests side#ud think its the other way but it ended up completely different in my head#cause im an asmo simp and hes my bb#and the priest that was in my dream gave off an intimidating and sus vibe#even tho he was like handsome#and i dont mean ikemen dilf i mean he looked like a legit older guy ud see in real life#if i dont actually write this down then take this seed and grow it in ur imagination#go crazy go stupid#asmodeus x reader#obey me asmodeus#It starts with reader residing at a church for several weeks until they find somewhere to stay#And a bunch of nonsense happens in the span of those weeks#The priest realizes a demon is like attached to reader after a certain point#And reader is like “oh thats my friend”#“ive known him for like 2 years”#The priest: 👁👄👁#Okay reader doesnt actually admit this shit#Its more of the priest being like...“there is a dark energy here” but isnt exactly sure what it is cause he cant see asmo#Sometimes hell just see a shadow in readers mirror or near reader but thats it#Also the priest is totally attracted to the reader and asmo totally senses it#Its so funny i promise u guys#I mean its not funny cause the priest is like weird and scary#But its funny cause asmo is making fun of his ass#What if the priest and reader kinda became like friends??#I mean how friendly can u get with a edgy horror game priest??#the priest is like old fashion religious so theres that#so the way he and asmo think are like complete opposites also asmo is a literal demon#so theyre beefing on sight anyways out of tags so ill try to summarize the whole story in a diff post
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#mental illness sucks so much kuz ur friends are all out experiencing beautiful things and sometimes even sending you pictures#and yet you cant reply because unbeknownst to them you are stuck in a Friday night lay-in-the-dark-and-spiral episode#asking yourself like 'will the fact that I have to take so much benadryl cause me to get early onset alzheimers and rob me of my old age?'#'will my body break down before its time because of how hard it has always had to work just to keep me alive with my disabilities?'#'will i some day get ovarian cancer and die because it kept getting written off for a decade like my pcos did?'#'is my birth control going to kill me? apparently the brand I'm on is really dangerous'#'what if after everything ive done and fought through. i don't even get to live the life I've been working towards?'#and other shit like that on repeat until you like. throw up or pass out#sometimes i almost miss being severely depressed because at least in a way i almost had more peace then. at least around the future and#death concerns. since i. yk. didnt care if i lived or died vs caring SO much-#vent#personal
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Hi Clari! Hope you don't mind me asking, but are you still planning on releasing a Toji fic? I think you mentioned it a bit ago and. I am so obsessed with that dilf. 😍
hi anon! c: i don’t mind u asking at all! it’s always rly nice to know people are still interested in a specific piece! <33 i am still planning on releasing it 100%! i wanted to get it out for his birthday but it doesn’t look like that’s gonna happen HA HA since i impulsively started writing other stuff a few days before christmas so we’ll just start the new year off with some toji i guess <3
the holidays were wonderful but were also extremely exhausting and ate up so much of my energy so i’ve just been working on regenerating all that i lost these past few days <3 i’ll be back with new work + that toji piece soon!!!
#we had several days of just spending morning to night with a large LOUD group of italians#i haven’t been this tired in a LONG time#i’ve just been sleeping mostly HAHAHAHA#ah the life of an introvert#but anyway yes!!! that piece is still coming pinky promise#i wanna finish this choso piece because it’s smaller#and then i’ll get the toji piece out#and that mikey piece that’s growing wAY out of control lmao#hope ur having a great day anon <3 thank you for expressing ur interest!!!!!#i hope you enjoy daddy toji when he’s posted <3#inky.bb#clari gets mail
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these past few days i have been uncharacteristically. emotionally open. w my friend and it has me thinking about how truly for all of my life i just did not expect anything from anyone
#like since i was a kid i just accepted in my head that all the ''friends'' id have were ppl who either were just putting up w me (probably#bc they had no one else and i was like. what was available) or ppl who cared ab me yeah but i was still their second or third choice#and i was just like. yeah ok. i can survive w that. like consciously i made the choice to hang out w people i knew didnt really like me#bc it was better than not having anyone to talk to#did it hurt any less when those ppl eventually stopped talking to me or i learned theyve been talking about how annoying i am to others?#no it didnt. bc i still cared about Them and had Them as my first choice. but i just thought. thats just how it is. im jist not really#likeable. so ill take what i can get#when i was like 7 or 8. i had one friend at school. and she had like some issues at home or smth idk but sometimes she would just start.#treating me badly or just ignoring me for months at a time. and its not like it deeply traumatized me or anything i honestly didmt remember#this fact until like last year but the thing is that i just. accepted it. i was just like yeah ok for half of the year or so my only friend#will act like she hates me and ill have no one to talk to. thats fine. ill just wait until next year when she likes me again. at age 7. and#now im just like what the fuck man why did i just accept that as my life. through all my childhood and then with other friends in my teen#years why did i never not once try to do better for myself. yknow?#when i was 11 and in another school my best friend suddenly started not talking to me. after a month or so of this i decided to invite her#to my house to play like we had done so several times before and she just looked at me like she was confused i was talking to her at all#and said ''why?''. and i was just like. ok. thats that i guess. genuinely why did i just accept these things#and like yeah i have friends that i feel Get me now and one i love just so much and i can tell loves me back but theyre online. i dont talk#to anyone irl. i dont know how. and im happy im so happy but im also scared that im just doomed to be extremely lonely forever irl#because i am legit just not likeable. not to be a weird a weirdo but yeah im just too different from ur average person my age i cant#connect with them in any way. and i also dont know how to talk to people or make friends or to find people that are like me. ill just#not have anyone forever#i guess#especially bc now i dont hate myself enough to hang out with people i dont like so like. i dont even have that as an option skdbskdjks#Every friend i ever made happened bc the other person reached out to me first and insisted on it. all the friendships that stuck were the#gay autistic/adhd weirdonerds who can relate to my hyperfixations and dont expect me to act Normal™. idk how to find the former group irl#and have never once iniciated a friendship. my fate is to be someone who has online friends only and exclusively#and dont even get me STARTED on the topic of having a girlfriend someday-#anyways. certified magnus archives moment
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i am once again watching youtube user Margarita Life’s doctor who videos and experiencing an entire spectrum of emotions
#tsu talks#if ur in the dw fandom and u HAVENT seen their stuff. go watch some right away#their videos are truly such a good contribution to the fandom#when they uploaded that 55th anniversary video several yrs ago i fully downlaoded it as an m4a and looped it instead of music.#nothing gets me in a perspective to write poetry that touches on life and the existence of greater life and wonder of the universe#that brings awe and also the feeling of being awesomely small in a way both comforting and saddening#than the specific set of emotions their videos evoke in me
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hugging my bestest brother in the whole wide world asahi nayuta very very tightly rn (he is scratching me)
#skittles.txt#f:nayuta#the new axia trailer was the worst 15 seconds of my life jesus christ#REON WAS BARELY IN IT AND IT WAS JUST HIM LOOKING SO SO SCARED I'M GONNA COMMIT SEVERAL ACTS OF VIOLENCE#holding all of gyroaxia very very tightly rn I love my babygirls and wet cat brother#FUCK nayutas dad tho#I dont like talking abt characters I hate on this acc however . I truly fucking hate nayutas dad#both bc I’m incredibly protective over that asshole cat but also he’s just a piece of shit#every time there’s something of him in it hes worse and worse . not even in a funny or interesting way either#like I’d hate him less if he was interesting but hes just the WORST . like yeah we get it leave ur twink son ALONE#anyways can’t wait for the movie 💖💖💖💖 I hope the world ends before it’s out
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god i need to make some more meaningful connections asap this shit is devastating me rn
#teeth.txt#long tags incoming#open at ur own risk xx#crying over lack of deep understanding and friendship in my life#it's all irrational too bc i do have a lot of ppl who love and care abt me in very important and impactful ways#i'm just running around in circles in my brain and becoming bitter and jealous of people i perceive as. i don't know.#being able to easily make friends i guess#it's in my head it's all in my head i know!! but i just cannot shake the feeling that i am missing a specific kind of friendship in my life#but it's january so of course the Agonies are more intense. i am severely depressed#any local mutuals want to hang out and form an everlasting bond together#i know i'm usually with my bf but i promise i am also my own person <3#anyways there is a profound loneliness that i have been feeling lately despite knowing that many people love and care abt me#hmmm could be a bad idea to post this as many people that i know in real life and not just online may see it .#sorry gang
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