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toiletwipes · 10 months

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oh, darling (make it go away) | c!wilbur

Give me these moments back Give them back to me Give me that little kiss Give me your hand

— "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush

~2k words / I'm not sure what this is but it's the only thing I could write. Sorry for the shit quality [Winter comes and brings your depression. Wilbur, your roommate, your... something, is there to help.]

For the nth time, you’ve sat and stared at the wall instead of the monitor. It’s not easy anymore, it doesn’t feel like breathing… it just doesn’t feel. It’s not coming to you anymore. You know why, breathing out, you move from out of the desk chair and take the three steps from your desk to your bed. The blankets have a stale smell to them but you breathe it in all the more, your limbs full of lead and weighing you down to the mattress. You know why, it just doesn’t make it any easier.

You lost count of the days, the weeks— months you’ve spent like this. Everything is too much. Even something you loved doing, you couldn’t even muster the energy to turn the damn monitor on. It would send you to tears if you hadn’t already cried in the morning. Wait, you lift a hand to brush your cheek. Damn, guess you could still cry after all. After doing nothing but crying and staring at the wall for hours, all you can do is waste in bed and cry again.

The door swings open with a loud croak, “— sorry I’m late, I went to pick up dinner and then some fucker cut me off and it was a whole thing—” and it shuts as he continues to walk and talk aloud in the silent apartment. You let out a benign hum, blinking slowly. When did you last eat? Today… today was a waste and weirdly enough, you find you haven't had anything since the big lunch from yesterday. You should probably put something into your system. By the time you try to convince yourself to sit up, your roommate is already walking into your room. “Come on, food is on the table and the TV is on, it’s your favorite soap.”

You had barely turned onto your side and you could only blink up at him as he kicked his shoes off, sitting on your bed. His hair curls into his face as he peers down at you, one of his hands coming up and patting your blanketed side. “Bad day?” He asks, quiet and with that beautiful smile of his. You blink your teary eyes at him as you give him a sluggish nod.

“That’s alright, you can finish it out with a bang. Want a shower before you eat?” That raises the question when you last had a shower and when you can’t immediately find the answer, you frown. You nod. “Want help getting up?” You mumble an affirmative. His smile doesn’t diminish and he doesn’t scold you, all he does is move to his feet and pull your covers back, taking your left hand into his and gently pulling you to your feet.

“There we go, see, you’re nearly in the shower.” You huff, almost laughing as he drapes an arm around your shoulder and guides you to the shared bathroom. He lets you shower by yourself, saying nothing of how long you stand underneath the hot spray, only hands you your plate, and scoots over to his side of the couch.

Your soap is dramatic as it always is, something you can count on. And when it’s over, Wilbur has no problem taking your plate and washing it alongside his. The couch is comfortable enough to sit with your legs tucked close to your body, a blanket pulled from the top of the couch to cover you.

“Dishes are done, I threw out the trash last night, think that’s it, is there anything we need to do before bed?” You shake your head numbly, you can’t think of anything. (Can’t really think, why is your head so heavy, so empty, so useless?)

He doesn’t say anything for a second before the couch dips beside you and he’s pulling your legs into his lap, the two of you staring at the blank screen of the TV.

“I think I’m getting worse.” Your voice croaks after its first use in a while.

“Yeah?” He says, just as quietly as you did. You risk a glance at him but his stare is fixated straight ahead, his fingers picking at a stray string from the blanket.

“I’m going to fail this semester. I can’t even play any games. I’m just-” tears prick your eyes again, it’s been so difficult for no fucking reason. There’s nothing wrong at all. You decided on one class this semester so it would be easier, so you couldn’t fail something if it was the only thing you had to focus on. And then October came and went, November quickly followed and somehow you’re behind on weeks of homework and material. It takes you and Wilbur to understand your professor despite being the one you requested because of his teaching style.

Your games had previously helped you cope until it wasn’t about coping and more about having fun. Until that died out— scratch that, until your energy died out.

“Why can’t it be July again?” July had been the best you had ever felt, the sun beaming down your face and the wind tickling your sides between your shirt and skin, at the beach and on your balcony, in the streets in the middle of the night- this summer had been an absolute dream. So why now- why after such a good summer, the best one you had in a while, why can’t you be happier? Why can’t you just get up and do your work and be normal? Hold his hand again, smile his way? Why can’t you do things for him again? Why does he have to do everything for you every December?

He meets your eyes and you can see it there, he’s tired too. He needs rest too. You feel the guilt eat your insides, tearing down your rib-cage and you almost wail with the heartache. “I’m a terrible roommate.” You say and the tears drip down your cheek.

“You’re not.” The scoff is wet when it leaves your throat, and you have to look away, nearly choking on the air as you try to hold the sobs back. “What? You think I’m lying?” He asks, patting your knee and you look back at him. Looking at him. Seeing his own glossy eyes and thinking what a pair you must make right now. Crying, together.

“I think you’re full of shit if you genuinely think that.” It’s more bark than bite but you want it to hurt, you want him to leave you behind and live his life again. Why does he have to do everything for you just to get by, just to fail again and again.

“That’s not fair,” he starts, “to you or me. But I see what you’re doing, you can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“You should be out there,” it’s his turn scoffing at the words you say, “having fun, living your life, with your friends. It’s not fair to you.” He picks your legs off of his lap and he takes your hand, pulling you to your feet, even when you protest.

“I only ever went out when you did, you know that right?” You open your mouth to say something but he just shakes his head, guiding you by the shoulders back to your room. “And it’s not to say I don’t have fun when you’re not around, but I don’t think it’s worth going out and enjoying myself when I know you’re at home and miserable.”

“You shouldn’t have to take care of me because you feel guilty.”

“I don’t. I take care of you because you are single-handedly one of the most important people to me. I take care of you because I want to. I’m here because I want to be here.” By the time he’s finished talking, you’re sitting on your bed while he digs through your drawers. “Do you want the matching set?” He pulls out the one you bought, the set that matches his own pajamas right now. You sniffle, wiping your snot as you nod.

“Get changed, I’ll be there in a few, okay?” And he nudges you to the bathroom.

When you’ve managed to switch clothes, you can hear the distant ambience on your TV, and he comes into the bathroom, sets the timer as he pulls out the raspberry toothpaste. Five minutes later, when the paste has been spat out and the mouth wash gets everything else, and you’re sitting in your bed while he fusses about. Coming up with plans to save your credits and schedules and the likes while you thumb the fabric at the bottom of your sleep shirt.

“Can you-” you interrupt his thinking-out-loud process and catch his attention, “can you sleep here tonight?” As if you hadn’t asked the same thing of him yesterday or the day before. He doesn’t say anything mean. Only let a brief smile pass through his face before turning the brighter lights off while plugging in the lava lamp in the corner, just like how you liked it.

Once he’s settled next to you, the ache in your chest and head increase tenfold. The guilt builds again and like an oracle, his eyes blink open slowly and he reaches to hold your hand in his.

“Do you remember that day in July,” he says, wetting his lips before meeting your eyes again, “when you kissed me?” You nod.

“Would you be okay if I did it? If I kissed you?” His eyes search for something in yours, nervous for your response. Tears pool back in your eyes, falling past your nose and cheek and sinking into your pillowcase, you whisper a broken yes.

Your eyes flutter shut, squeezing them as you feel the bed shift under his weight, as he leans closer to you, and you can feel his breath fan across your mouth. You couldn’t breathe, it felt so unreal.. And when you couldn’t feel his breath or smell the faint raspberry from it, you wonder if you disgusted him until he brushed his lips against your cheek, just on the corner of your mouth.

Your eyes open meeting him, especially when he’s still so close to your face, “you missed back then, too.” That day, that beautiful, warm day that reminds you so much of the boy in front of you that it hurts. It was perfect that day. It felt like a dream. And despite it being so cold outside, it felt warm here too. And suddenly, it felt like July all over again. Like you could be normal again, like you could be happy.

He moves his face away, shifting until his arms are wrapped around your shoulders and waist, pulling you into his body closer and closer, as if you’d sink into him and all of your woes would become his to bear too. Legs entangle naturally and you can’t help the sob that wracks through you again.

“I know, I know.” He whispers, tightening his hold on you and letting you soak his shirt with your tears and snot. “I know.”

It won’t be easy for a long time, maybe not even until July has long since passed again, the future is unclear and your head and heart is heavy with ache and guilt and love.

But you won’t have to bear it alone. You never have to bear it alone again, not as long as he’s there. You can almost hear the promise in the way his hands squeeze at the fabric and skin they find, the way he sleeps easier in your bed, holding you.

You sink into his embrace now, letting the scent of his soap wash over you, the sounds of a gentle rain pattering on the ceiling from the television and the warmth of his skin… they lure you under the blanket of sleep.

And for the first time in a while, you’re back in July, staring at a boy you’ve lived and loved with, remembering the sun on your skin while you smiled at him, holding his hand.

It never seemed so close, before.

#wilbur soot x reader #wilbur soot x you #wilbur soot x y/n #c: wilbur #c: wilbur soot #wilbur x reader #tw depression #tw depressing thoughts #this is very much self indulgent #idk #thought it would be nice if i had a pretty boy to hold me through my depression #i really hope this isn't romanticizing it #because i know that a pretty boy wouldn't fix me with true love's kiss #i just. idk #sdgdfjghslfjfhsd #gonna go to the bathroom now

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batsplat · 4 months

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as our resident Casey expert i wonder what do you think would have happened if marc and casey competed against each other? since casey retiring is so important for marc coming into motogp im always thinking abt the what ifs...

my initial instinct with this hypothetical is always 'that sounds horrible', though I do have more thoughts and opinions about it than that! marc obviously would have loved the chance to race casey, and casey has even been one of his picks of 'guys he would've liked to be teammates with' before, so, you know, clearly something there - and he does very much respect casey as a rider. I think it's quite likely that by the time marc entered the premier class, casey had already developed... I don't know if wariness is going too far, but maybe a little bit of unease or caution where marc was concerned. marc already very much had a reputation based on his 125/moto2 track record, and some of these incidents were controversial enough that the motogp riders commented on them. so take the phillip island 2011 incident where marc rode into the back of another rider:

the valentino quote serves as a bit of a benchmark here, given he was generally pretty pro-marc. yes, casey's phrasing is perhaps a little harsher, but unsurprisingly none of the riders were big fans of marc's behaviour in that particular incident

on the other hand, it's not like casey never sided with marc. take catalunya 2012, where marc was slapped with a controversial post-race penalty:

yes, casey's main complaint was about inconsistent stewarding - but still, he believed marc had been unfairly treated here. feels like these incidents were some of the only things casey and valentino actually agreed on in those years, so that's nice

that being said, it's hard to see how casey wouldn't have his issues with marc and marc's whole approach to racing. I did include some thoughts on the teammate question here, but mainly I'm going to pilfer the relevant autobiography passage:

"if a rider doesn't care about his own safety then it stands to reason he doesn't care about anybody else's either"... there's nobody really who embodies the 'doesn't care about his own safety' maxim better than marc. he was the young rider desperate to win, and I can't imagine casey would have enjoyed actually racing him much. casey mostly didn't enjoy racing valentino, after all, who is a generally a lot more selective with his aggression than marc is (though casey did have to experience some of the worst valentino had to offer in that regard). casey talked in his autobiography about getting a sense when he just wasn't really able to trust another rider on the track, how much it bothered him - and that exact lack of respect is something that's been pretty closely associated with marc. that doesn't mean he would immediately declare marc his enemy... he'd just want marc to change, to learn, to grow up, to start treating his competitors with a little more respect. the way casey talks about young riders, there is a sense in which he has more time for them than he does for valentino - whose lack of respect casey views as more integral to who he is as a rider. valentino isn't a bully on track due to the exuberance of youth, he's a bully on track when he thinks he can use it as a tactic of intimidation. then again, marc by this measure is worse... and I think very quickly casey would have grown pretty disenchanted with how marc approaches all his wheel-to-wheel racing, especially when it becomes more and more clear marc does not feel particularly inclined to change

it's always important to remember how recent the trauma of losing simoncelli was for the whole sport, and it coloured both dani and jorge's wariness of marc... but also (in my opinion anyway) their restraint in how they dealt with him. how they tried to stop themselves from actually making an enemy out of him, in part because they'd just had an experience of harshly criticising a rider for a whole year and then having to process his death. both dani and jorge actually had more public and more serious disagreements with simoncelli than casey did, but I reckon there would have been an element of that restraint with casey too... on the other hand, his experiences with marc would have left him feeling even more alienated from the sport than he already was - at times frustrated (like jorge was) less with marc directly but more with the regulatory bodies for not holding marc back, for not giving him a race ban or whatever to teach him a lesson. that being said, marc's shamelessness vs casey's stubbornness means that if they had direct on-track encounters and casey didn't like marc's post-race response... well, I certainly think that'd end up being a pretty tense situation, even if it falls short of active hostilities

worth including irl!casey's take on marc in 2013:

which, you know. it's not just that marc's a hard racer - casey is accusing marc of deliberately wanting to make the defeats extra painful for his opponents, of wanting to not just beat but humiliate them. anyone else that reminds you of? someone who is as motivated in securing his psychological victories as his actual ones? perhaps someone who has a bit of a history himself with casey?

let's bring in valentino. it's not that casey would really have begrudged marc his friendship with valentino, and he generally kept his hatred of valentino quite 'clean' in that he wasn't conducting any proxy wars or anything (for instance, I don't get the sense the vale/sic friendship ever affected his view of simoncelli... though I have very little to go on here either way). also, if nothing else in this timeline changes, we're assuming valentino in 2013 is fairly clearly the... fifth? best rider? kinda depends where dani would have landed I suppose (casey's retirement announcement did save honda from a bit of a headache)... but anyway what this means is that valentino probably wouldn't initially have been much of a competitive threat to casey. mostly he would have been consigned to the sidelines

that being said, I doubt casey would have massively enjoyed the whole laguna seca saga. unfortunately, we don't even really know what real life casey's stance on the copycat move situation was... though if I had to guess, in this timeline I'd say his position would've been, a) marc could and should have carried out that overtake two corners later, there was no need in that race situation to take that risk, b) still, it was valentino's slight error as he attempted to reclaim the position (in what was a pretty aggressive manner, it has to be said) that led to them both ending up off-track and fuck that guy, and c) the problem with 2008 wasn't just or even primarily the corkscrew overtake and it's annoying that that's the only bit everyone talks about. of course, there's also the question of whether casey would have bought marc's explanation that it was totally by coincidence that the overtake happened there... and again, complete guesswork, but my sense of casey is that he would have assumed marc was being at least a little bit dishonest. (which, you know... laguna's not an easy track to overtake at, but marc did prove with the bradl move that he was perfectly capable of overtaking after turn 8 - might not have been planning on the off-track excursion, but he was still attempting to overtake just ahead of a blind crest that happened to feed into the corkscrew lol.) I think casey by his honda days had calmed down a bit (though he still certainly had some conspiratorial tendencies), but I also don't think it's a stretch to imagine that he would've felt like he was a victim of a joke between the pair of them... not ideal

overall though, I reckon casey's main frustrations would have been less with the move itself and more with how it was discussed. in the presser, while joking with marc, valentino does take the opportunity to get in a jibe at casey for old time's sake. there's this clip, where he directly addresses livio suppo (at ducati in 2008, by then at honda) - specifically about how both casey and suppo criticised him for that overtake. in response, suppo says something about how he's grateful to marc because they finally got payback. valentino is later asked directly about casey's complaints in 2008 in this clip, and replies with the following:

would valentino have said this stuff with casey still in the paddock? well, yes! honestly, given valentino did very quickly lay off needling casey once he had retired, there's a good chance he would have said something worse. and marc would have laughed along at the whole thing. I don't know, I just don't see casey taking particularly kindly to that... he can hold a grudge, that man can, and at a certain point he'd probably be increasingly less willing to give marc the benefit of the doubt. interesting situation though, laguna seca '13 + casey is a very juicy scenario that could play out in several different ways

but I'm guilty of burying the lede here - there's a far more obvious reason than anything I've described above for why the casey/marc relationship would have turned sour. it's the simple fact that they would have been teammates which would do the damage all on its lonesome; they have radically different conceptualisations of how that dynamic is supposed to work and would inevitably have clashed as a result. the one commonality they do have is they don't see their teammates as potential friends, which is... also not helpful! I think they'd probably initially be fine on the interpersonal level - and, actually, given how the casey/valentino relationship played out and marc's general approach to his rivalries, I can see marc/casey more or less being able to maintain a minimum standard of politeness towards each other even at their worst. like, I still think they'd be able to smile at each other and do some small talk when face-to-face, but I also think everything else would be a complete disaster. I talked a bit about how marc approaches his teammate relationships in this post - and I'm not going to rehash too much of what irl!marc got up to, but I'll include some bits relevant to casey

from marc:

related to casey:

and dani comparing the two:

we do obviously even have actual real life controversy wherein casey thinks marc felt threatened by him and forced him out of honda... and this in a timeline where they weren't even direct competitors! if this is the level of tension a test rider role can generate, then if they'd actually been teammates...? yeah, no. casey thinks that teammates should cooperate - and he thinks that riders enforcing divisions within the box are essentially doing so because they are "afraid". marc has openly admitted to lying about what parts he likes to make sure his teammate doesn't get any edge over him. this is the thing, right: marc might think casey is a cool rider, would've liked the chance to race him and even be teammates with him... but this is the stuff he did to dani, who was one of his literal idols! this is his understanding of competition - (like valentino) he might love the fight, but simultaneously he'll do pretty much whatever it takes to win, because he considers this stuff fundamentally part of the game. casey does not. to casey, this kind of victory is dishonest. any kind of gamesmanship is a sign of weakness... the victory is worth less if you're accomplishing it like that

now, hey, maybe marc would never have been able to go as far as he did with dani because he wouldn't have the kind of performance edge that allows you to definitively impose your will within the team. I think it's a popular interpretation that marc wouldn't have won the title in 2013 if casey had been there, which... I mean, I think it's true that it would have been less likely - in that in a season with that much volatility, the more plausible championship contenders you have the less likely it is that any single one of them takes the title (same goes for instance if you add in a valentino who had not gone to ducati for two years and would have presumably been more competitive in 2013). but it's not like casey would have been the defending champion and the clear class of the field... partly due to injury, he ended up finishing in third in 2012. jorge and dani didn't win the 2013 title in part as a result of their own injuries, and who knows how casey would have fared... like sometimes it's just luck of the draw really. you can be the better rider and still not win the title, shit happens. I think for as long as a more or less healthy-ish casey stays in the sport, it would have been unlikely that marc establishes quite the same performance edge as he did over dani... but, well, if anything that would have meant he would have fought even harder out of perceived necessity to win the internal honda wars

it's the kind of thing that can make a relationship quickly deteriorate, especially with a prickly character such as casey, and it's entirely plausible that dynamic would have become strained at best and horrendously toxic at worst... sooner rather than later. and the thing is, this environment would affect marc considerably less than it would casey. again, it's the fact that he relishes the fight... he's very good at shrugging off (most) criticism and thrives in that kind of tension. the emotional fatigue that this scenario generates would be painfully lopsided, where casey offers harsh criticisms and means them and is endlessly frustrated with marc's approach, while marc... doesn't really care. at least dani also had a questionable manager who was conducting behind the scenes warfare on his behalf - casey doesn't want to play these games at all. he just wants to ride a bike, and marc is never going to allow him to live in peace as long as he's an internal threat. if casey were exposed directly to all of that from marc, I doubt he'd walk away from the experience with a particularly positive impression of him

does he walk away? I think there's a decent chance that casey would have ended up so disillusioned with the whole thing that this would have been what pushed him into retirement. if he wants to get out of that mess, let's say after two years, his options would have been pretty limited. yamaha is closed off and I'd struggle to think of a scenario in which either jorge or valentino would have been particularly interested in a direct swap (also, if you're sick of being marc's teammate, you're probably not gonna be jumping at the chance to be valentino's instead). I suppose you could go back to ducati (which he did return to as a test rider so it's not like those bridges were permanently burnt), and maybe casey could do something special even with *gestures* that version of the bike. really though... I think enough would have been enough for him. regardless of the actual balance of success between the pair of them, my guess is marc wins that war because he's happier to get nasty and because he wants it more. casey has his two to four titles... he's done. let him go fishing

#wow sorry i feel like this is a bit depressing? 'casey would retire at age 29 rather than 27' feels like a mean place to take this #maybe this is too cynical.... feel free to disagree. just personally really struggle to see anything other than disaster #i think it's a fun scenario but in all seriousness as someone who is like. generally invested in casey finding some peace in life #i'm quite glad he didn't have to go through it. good chance he gets another title but he left for a reason #'oh nice an ask i can answer quickly' i think to myself #and well i did write it quickly but i realise it's still. quite long #spec tag #babynflames #marc marquez #casey stoner #//#mm93 #cs27 #heretic tag #2013-15-ish vale/jorge love and peace era were already kinda looking over at the honda wars and going. what's all this then #batsplat responds #in this timeline i reckon they'd be even more pointedly cooperative. occasionally give a friendly thumbs up at the explosions next door #valentino a big believer in letting others do his dirty work for him so it'd be very [carefully neutral smile]#'EYE didn't think there was any problem with marc's move... maybe casey should consider not leaving a gap next time?' (there was no gap)#he does do that a littleeee with jorge but idk it felt less malicious... i think on a personal level he enjoyed riling casey up more #more genuine dislike for jorge imo but couldn't quite help himself with casey with the constant bickering... it's complicated #where would marc/casey have their first on-track incident? reckon cota would actually be a good shout - get it in nice and early #vibes of a good casey track but not marc cota levels good but marc's still a child... idk you need to get them in the same bit of track so #otherwise some time in the assen to brno stretch.... let's say *spins wheel* indianapolis #can u imagine if marc did the corkscrew move on CASEY... get rid of bradl (sorry dude) what does THAT podium look like what are the vibes

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