#was also the single most traumatic experience of my adult life

[midnight-mod]

Ugh I can tell I’m in distress when I drink myself silly to make the panic go away but then start texting people out of a desperate attempt to get someone to pay attention to me pay attention to me pay attention to me pay attention to me

Anyway I’m drunk, in distress, and pretty sure this will subside by Monday and I can return to basically never drinking. Just gotta get there. And I am so fucking powerful you guys! I’m gonna get there. If only to give my PTSD(?) the middle finger. The power of spite compels me!

[pepprs]

all is not well in waffletown

[mercurianchild]

hey love! what does a Plutonian chart look like? i'm not sure if I have one. how would that affect me?

Strong influence of Pluto…

What a strong Plutonian influence of Pluto in the chart could look like:

Pluto in the 1st, 4th, 7th and 10th house

Pluto aspecting inner planets (Mercury, Venus and Mars)

Pluto strongly aspecting the moon and ascendant, especially tight orbs

TW: mentions of s*x and death!!

Being Pluto dominant or having a strong influence of Pluto means that transformations, ego deaths, feelings of death and rebirth will accompany you for a life time. From my experience, this will be especially harsh in the childhood, youth and maybe in your early adult years. As time passes and as you get older, you might develop self care habits and safety mechanisms to protect yourself and your inner peace. Practising self love, meditation and mindfulness could be important to these individuals, as they could underestimate their beauty and their outstanding personality.

I’ve also seen that most traumatic events happen in the childhood, youth or early adulthood. But that’s just my observation.

Feelings of being deeply misunderstood rise while you are young and this feeling might follow you for years. Constantly searching for someone to understand your complex mind and depth of emotions. These people could benefit from searching for a valve to turn pain, bad experiences and any form of built up emotion into art. Be it writing, drawing, making music…

A reoccurring theme for Plutonians is sexuality. There may be blockages in regards of the own sexuality or experiencing it, but once they overcome this, they literally start to bloom in that area. This could turn into being hungry for power in general (or simply being turned on by overpowering the partner) or in being lascivious. They can be pretty much extreme and freaky in bed, actually. Being intimate never gets boring with them.

I know, this is what you read everywhere, but plutonic people are deeply magnetic and will catch your eye with their intense aura. Even if they are not seen as traditionally beautiful, these natives exude attractiveness and charisma. You just can’t ignore them and they will even stand out in a crowd. BUT! A lot of them don’t have the sex appeal like (for example) Megan Fox has. A lot of them have such an innocence to their appearance, but if you take a closer look you’ll see that they’re like fallen angels.

From my experience, plutonic people will have a deep connection to spirituality or the occult and a profound interest in psychology (for good and bad). They usually get into these things after really hard times in their life. They will attract jealousy and hate like flies, unfortunately and this could take a toll in their self esteem. Even strangers tend to be very competitive and mean to them in some way, because most people simply feel challenged by their presence.

Dear plutonic people,

you ALL are wonderful and you deserve so much more. I feel for every single one of you and I hope you will find true happiness and self acceptance. You’ve been through so much and you deserve the world for all that. I’m sending you all the love you might need right now or later! 🩶

[falling-violet-petals]

I spent the last two weeks reading every single witch hat atelier chapter (except for 77 which was published yesterday lol) and it has consumed my entire life.

I am obsessed with Qifrey just the idea of a really sweet professor who is also very morally grey and has a very dark past taking in all these traumatized little girls as his witch apprentices to protect them from the same experiences he went through and being so so understanding of their experiences and emotions and worrying about them and never pushing them to do things they don't want to do and letting them experiment as much as they want while providing guidance when they need it. And especially his relationship to Coco with how strongly she resembles his younger self and how they parallel each other but this time as her professor he is trying to keep her away from the pain he suffers and he's trying to make Coco have hope in magic in a way that he himself doesn't have. And the way he acts towards the girls actually makes them trust him SO much like (spoilers) Coco has been keeping the whole Custas ordeal a secret at the request of Tartar but in the more recent volumes she has finally decided to tell Qifrey because of how much she trusts him and Qifrey not only patiently listened to her and allowed her to do what she wanted even though it was dangerous because he knew how important it was but he also actually wanted to help Custas and was willing to talk to him instead of immediately fighting him for doing forbidden magic like the other adults (sorry Lulucy). And like idk it's weird because I'm used to seeing characters that are morally grey like him but to having a character like that just be such a genuine and good teacher/father figure. And granted he actually does have selfish reasons to want to have Coco as an apprentice and that's a big part of what makes him morally grey but a great thing about it is that he doesn't actually let these reasons change the kind of father/daughter or professor/apprentice relationship he has with her like he doesn't treat her any differently than his other apprentices and he very much cares about her beyond just being a lead to the brimhats and he constantly shows it with his actions.

Also his relationship to Olruggio is also so perfectly contradictory. Like you can't convince me they aren't in love. Personally unlike some of the fandom that likes to say they are just married but haven't said it I like to believe that they are both in love and are vaguely aware of the fact that the other likes them back but Qifrey refuses to confess because he doesn't think he deserves it for obvious reasons and he also thinks Olruggio would realize his intentions even sooner if they were romantically involved and Olruggio on the other hand is so used to Qifrey's secrets and dodgy personality and refusal to talk about serious things that he's afraid if he confessed Qifrey would just completely shut him off (we all know he would actually do something worse but shh 🤫). But even without the shipping if you just (for some reason) see them as friends there is still so much to say about their relationship like Olruggio clearly cares so deeply about Qifrey that he spent his childhood with him and then moved with him to his atelier and still lives with him after all the crazy things Qifrey pulls off (like spontaneous adoption) and he also forgives Qifrey for everything no matter what and (spoilers for chapter 40) still Qifrey (who is very much still affected by his trauma on the daily) is so closed off that he is not able to accept all of this affection and acceptance that Olruggio is willing to give to the point that Qifrey is actively harming him and violating his personhood by erasing his memories whenever he finds out about Qifrey's search. And like... the fact that Qifrey is so traumatized that in "self-defense" he's turning around and doing the exact thing that traumatized him to the person he loves most and the fact that Olruggio loves him so much that he would be willing to forgive even this... I don't even know what to say anymore because they just make me want to scream.

Anyway yeah I like Qifrey a normal amount I swear

[duskmachine]

!! CHAINSAW MAN CHAPTER 167 SPOILERS !!

the newest chapter of chainsaw man and the reaction to it is actually making me feel like i've been blasted into a wall and broke every bone in my body. chapter 167 is the cumulation of everything denji theoretically wanted. he lost everything: his family, his home, his normal life. yet, he wished to become chainsaw man and wanted to "have tons and tons of sex!!"

it's happening all over again: denji was given a family, a home, good food, a normal life. but he, in his mind, killed aki. the guilt is eating at him; "there's no way i could ever have a family. i mean, i killed my own dad." nayuta even says, "i'll fill him up with happiness... then destroy it." and denji, failed to protect his only family, nayuta, ultimately "killing" her. (at the time of this post we don't know of her status)

so what does that have to do with chapter 167? the abuse has become part of denji's heart. he has no solid understanding of familial love, just that he seems to have an instinctual want for it. the same type of instinctual want that is his sex drive. he's moving purely with his heart which is driven by desires— desires that are fulfilled by a devil.

in chapter 167 both asa and denji have been assaulted. asa was not in control and denji did not utter a single word throughout the entire interaction. both are confused teenagers who function under selfish and conflicting wants. asa, who wishes to save denji because really she wants to be revered as a hero and seem like a better person. denji, who even in the face of great loss, wants to have "tons and tons of sex" because it's the only coping mechanism normalized for men.

these are desires of the heart and these devils exist to manipulate these desires into truths that exist in the most twisted way possible. chapter 167 is horrifying, not because "fujimoto how could you draw two teenagers in a sexual situation!!", but rather because these two teenagers will be irreversibly changed from their traumatic experiences because of the world of adults. they have been forced into using tools adults weaponize against each other: literal weapons, but also concepts of "justice", "love", and "sex". denji and asa are constantly being told what to do, and even worse, forced to do the biddings of adults and devils alike.

the chainsaw man church who claims all americans are "ultra violent" is immediately met with doubt from denji because he has been exposed to real americans who have all been relatively normal (at least, according to denji's definition of "normal"). denji can think for himself, but it requires him to be exposed to healthy and safe environments that allow him to learn... just like any other kid! this applies to asa too! she has never learned how to have healthy friendships, the one friend she has ever made put the adult responsibility of "justice" onto herself and became a monster. and asa had to kill her.

kids become monsters under heavy pressure from adults and the cycle of abuse never ends. i feel deeply sad that the reaction seems so reactionary and trivial. the horror of chainsaw man is the horror every teenager has to live through.

[yukidragon]

Sunny Day Jack - Love and Sex Headcanons

You read the title, you know what the topic is about; I’m going to be rambling off my personal headcanons for the romantic and sexual preferences of the main cast of Something’s Wrong with Sunny Day Jack. This is as it applies to my fanfics Sunshine in Hell and Sunshine in Another World, so I’ll be including my version of the MC, Alice King.

Content warnings: This fandom/game/content is for Adults Only. There is talk of sex in this post. A lot of it. I will be going into graphic detail at times, as well as touch on some serious issues on occasion, such as SA, trauma, negative body image, toxic relationships, religious guilt, homophobia, bigotry, past child abuse, sex work, and such.

While I intend to keep things mostly spicy and sweet, sometimes darker topics affect a person’s view about sex and preferences, since sex can be complicated that way. This is especially the case if a character deals with some traumatic experience that relates to their sex life/sexuality. I will try to trod lightly on the heavier topics when I can.

I must emphasize that, while I draw information from the game’s canon as shown in both versions of the demo, Sleepy Time Jack, as well as official information/art and development images/posts, ultimately these are my personal headcanons. They might not completely line up with what’s going to be canon in the final game. These are just what’s currently canon for the Sunshine in Hell continuity and what feels right to me personally when it comes to the characters.

I say currently canon since stuff changes as I develop things and play with the characters more. They’ve definitely evolved since I first played the demo. Heck, they’ve even evolved since I started working on this post due to how long it’s taken me to get this finally finished.

Since this post will be using official/development art to help illustrate my points at times, I want to give my friend Sauce full credit for their awesome art and for creating this game with all its wonderful characters and ideas in the first place.

Please consider supporting them and the rest of the SnaccPop Studios team by signing up for the official patreon. Also, consider buying a full size print of this steamy cropped piece of art with a special toy included. It would help out a lot of lovely hard working people and give you access to the many cool posts on there, as well as juicy lore tidbits. A fair number of these posts influenced my headcanons, which you’ll only be able to see if you join up. Remember, don't share anything privately posted on patreon!

While I’m at it, here’s links to the official twitter, tumblr, itch, steam, and kickstarter pages for Sunny Day Jack, which are also places where I got information and inspiration for these smutty headcanons.

@channydraws @earthgirlaesthetic @sai-of-the-7-stars @cheriihoney @illary-kore @okamiliqueur

Okay, with disclaimers, promotions, and tags out of the way, let’s get down to the spice.

…

This post won’t encompass every single thing that the characters find arousing/attractive, since there’s no way that I can think of everything for one post, but I’ll write as many kinks, desires, and preferences that come to mind.

First, let’s have some general headcanons that apply to all the main characters. None of them have a preference when it comes to gender. It doesn’t matter what’s in someone’s pants or how they identify. What matters to them is what’s in their partner’s heart and usually that’s the most attractive quality a person can have.

Consent is king! All the characters want consent from their partner/love interest, particularly enthusiastic consent. While some might be pushier than others when it comes to wanting sex/romance, at the end of the day, “no” means “NO.” Everyone’s consent matters.

Now onto the specific characters, starting with the star of the show…

Jack(tor)

Jack has two sides to him - that of the character known as Sunny Day Jack that he’s trying to embody, and that of the actor who used to be known as Joseph Cullman. While he polished the rough edges off of the persona that he presents to the world, at the end of the day, he can’t change his likes and dislikes so easily. A lot of his desires as Jack have been influenced by the desires he had as Joseph… as long as they don’t cause him to break character. There’s a level of what’s “expected” and “acceptable” for him to like as the kid friendly Sunny Day Jack, and what this naughty, naughty yandere really desires deep down inside. We can see evidence of this in his BDSM test results.

Overall, Jack is quite dominant when it comes to his sexual desires. Specifically, he’s a service top, focusing on controlling the scene with his partner’s pleasure in mind. He wants to make his partner feel his love in every sense of the word.

Jack is pansexual/panromantic. He doesn’t discriminate, and can find any sort of body type or personality attractive, but that doesn’t mean that he’s indiscriminately able to fall in love or lust with just anyone. His desire to be loved has led him to make poor choices in his past and has led to him growing attached to people who took advantage of how desperate he was to be loved.

Romantic attraction and sexual attraction are linked when it comes to Jack. He’s not going to desire someone sexually unless he’s experiencing romantic feelings towards them, so usually the two things come together at the same time.

Once Jack falls in love with someone, he is very, very loyal. It will take a lot to get him to let go of these feelings. He’s also very much the jealous type, wanting to monopolize the person he’s in love with, which results in him being fairly clingy. Though, he is willing to compromise on just how clingy he is for the sake of his partner’s wants and needs, provided that he’s not at risk of losing them. At the end of the day, he loves sincerely and wants the person he loves to be happy.

While Jack has claimed in an audio drama Q&A posted on patreon that he theoretically might be open to entering a polyamorous relationship, ultimately, what he really wants is a closed monogamous relationship. He might have lots of love in his heart to give to as many people as will accept it and him, but at the end of the day, he can’t stand the idea of losing someone who actually loves him, particularly the person he loves the most. As I’ve mentioned in past headcanon posts about Jack getting into a poly relationship, (which you can read here and here) I don’t think it would be a healthy balanced relationship between all parties if he were to go into a poly relationship, and as such I think he’s better suited to a single partner.

That isn’t to say that I don’t think Jack would refuse to have sex with someone besides his partner… provided that his partner is the one who wants him to do so. He might not want it himself, but he is willing to consent to it provided his partner is there to watch him do it. He’s willing to consent to quite a lot of things for the sake of love, even if he dislikes them or it makes him uncomfortable. After all, if he’s willing to kill for the sake of his love, there’s a lot of other unsavory things that he’ll be willing to do.

As shown in this early development art by Sauce, Jack isn’t exactly happy to encourage his rival to hurt themselves, as we see from his forced smile, but he’ll do what he must for the sake of keeping his sunshine. Even though this is technically not-canon, it has helped shape my idea of how going down this path causes damage to his psyche and isn’t something he would want if he could avoid it.

In a lot of ways, Jack is a sexual chameleon, eager to please his partner. While he is keen to try different things and experiment in the bedroom, he won’t push any kink that his partner doesn’t want or reacts badly to. Sure, he’ll attempt to convince them to give something a try when it comes to a kink that excites him if they express reluctance, and he’ll want to know what’s wrong so he can fix it or otherwise accommodate them if possible, but at the end of the day, he won’t ever force anything onto his partner. Their pleasure is his pleasure.

Jack is addicted to his partner’s love, attention, desire, pleasure, and validation above all else. This is why he thrives on hearing his partner praise him and tell him just how much they love him. Words of affirmation is his primary love language, as we’ve seen with how ready he is to shower his sunshine with words of love, and how much it meant to him that his sunshine verbally confirms that they love him.

Jack also gets excited by the idea of others seeing him being loved so much by his partner, which is where his exhibitionist kink comes in. He’s the one who is special to his sunshine, not anyone else. They can only watch with envious eyes while he shows them exactly what they’re missing out on. It’s quite a turn on to show the world just how much he’s loved, that he’s the only one special enough to be loved by his sunshine like this. Only he deserves his partner’s love, and only he can make his sunshine feel this good and loved. He would have sex in public before an audience with his sunshine if his partner consented to it, provided that it’s made clear to everyone involved that he’s the only one his partner truly loves and needs more than anyone else.

Another factor that plays into his exhibitionism is his desire not to be forgotten. His past as Joseph is full of moments where that left him feeling discarded and unlovable. The more people who focus on him, the less likely he is to be forgotten.

Cuckolding is definitely something Jack hates, at least if he’s the one being forced to watch his partner have sex with someone else. Even if other people are involved during sex, he needs to be his partner’s primary focus. If he’s the most important person to his partner, then he can at least tolerate others’ involvement. He doesn’t want to have sex with someone that he’s not in love with (or at least not strongly emotionally connected to romantically), but if it made his partner happy, he would do it for their sake… though he would need them to shower him with love and encouragement the entire time.

However, if Jack is the one cuckolding someone else, like, say, Ian… now that’s a different story. Tied to the degrader kink, Jack wants to show that he’s more worthy than others of his sunshine’s love. If his rivals are writhing in envy and can see they don’t deserve Alice like he does, well that’s pretty darn exciting. It’s why he’ll be a poor winner and make sure that all his rivals are very much aware who Alice chose instead of them.

Yes, this means that, just like Jack is going to make sure that Shaun overhears him making love to Alice (as I’ve mentioned in previous posts), he’s going to make sure Ian knows that her pretty moans are only for Jack, now and forever. While the incident with Shaun is Jack marking his territory to prevent a possible rival from getting any ideas, with Ian it’s far more personal. Jack wants to make sure Ian feels worthless and inferior to him in every way. I haven’t decided exactly how he’ll go about this, but hopefully he won’t take it too far, hahaha.

Anyway, ultimately, when it comes to involving other people besides his partner, Jack would rather have an audience rather than additional participants: they can look, listen, and envy, but they can’t touch.

At the end of the day though, his partner has a lot of sway in this matter if others are involved in their sex life… for better or for worse.

While love and sex are closely tied in Jack’s mind, he can still perform sexually without romantic attachment, though he would prefer not to. Back before he was an actor, when he was homeless after running away from home, he had to do things that he wasn’t proud of just to survive, which included performing sex acts on a transactional basis. He was used, and he knew full well that he was being used, but he did what he could to survive life on the streets.

This is part of why Jack prefers to be the one dominating. He wants control over his sexuality in a way that he couldn’t have when sex work sometimes was the only thing that kept him from starving to death. Sex workers don’t tend to be treated well by their clients, especially if they’re a homeless drifter without any support network.

Jack did attempt to find love in the past, but oftentimes he was just exploited for his body, which led to toxic relationships similar to the Tragedy of [Redacted] theory in one of my first headcanon posts. His desperate desire to be loved was unfortunately taken advantage of, which led to unpleasant experiences. Sometimes he fell for someone’s charms and actually believed that they actually cared for him, only for that person to just want a quick fuck and not a real relationship, which stomped all over his heart and made him wonder what more he could have done to “deserve” to be loved…

Once Jack became an actor, he went from being ignored to getting too much attention… and all of it shallow, just focused on his body and fame. The interview with Dan was a sore spot for him because he was used in many ways, by people who only saw him as a sex object to use then discard and not as a human who desperately wished to be loved.

This is why Jack’s feelings for Alice are so strong. Due to their connection, he can literally feel that she cares about him in a way that he never could with anyone else. With how much he’s always craved such a connection with someone, their bond has given him reassurance that he never got to experience while alive. He can feel when he pleases her and when he makes her flustered. He can tell when she’s upset and has an easier time spotting when he’s making a mistake with her. There’s security in knowing her feelings for him, and that those feelings are sincere.

The connection also allows Jack to feel what Alice is experiencing physically to some extent, which includes sexual pleasure. For a service top like him who gets off on his partner’s pleasure, it’s addicting to be able to literally feel the pleasure that he’s giving her. He knows when he’s doing well, and he can learn quickly how best to pleasure her. He wants more and more of all of these wonderful feelings this connection with Alice gives to him, so he’ll do whatever it takes to please her so that he can feel more of her love.

While Jack has a huge exhibitionist kink, and the idea of an audience watching him make love to Alice excites him, at the same time he wants to lock her up away from the rest of the world so that they can’t take her away from him. He needs her. He loves her. His very existence depends on her. What she gives him is far too precious to risk losing for any brief moment of pleasure.

As we’ve seen in this development art… Jack would prefer it if it was just him and his sunshine… forever. Between his past and being trapped in the tape, there’s a desperation to him now to not lose Alice and everything she’s given him… and woe be it to anyone who tries to take his sunshine away.

After being trapped in the tape and suffering a hellish fate for 40 years without rest, Jack has become touch starved and clingy. He was love/touch starved even before his death, but the tape made it so much worse. He would be very happy if Alice wanted to hold onto him 24/7. He views having a piece of his soul inside of Alice as similar to getting a hug from her all the time, and vice-versa with the piece of her that she gave to him. Although that piece of her soul is the most precious thing he possesses, he can’t help but be greedy and want more and more of her. He’ll take as much as she’ll give him.

As one might expect, Jack isn’t keen on being separated from Alice for too long. In the past, he could handle giving his partner space for several days if they needed it, but going a full day without his sunshine is unbearable in the present. It was especially rough in the beginning when their relationship was still new, and their connection was fragile.

It just gets so cold without his sunshine…

The sensory deprivation Jack experienced in the tape affects him as well. He’s more sensitive to stimuli than he was before. This makes him so much more aware of the world, especially what he can and can’t interact with. This is especially the case when it comes to his sunshine.

Really, a sunshine that keeps Jack at a distance would just make his neediness worse, as he literally can’t interact with anything else. Sure he can see his surroundings and respond to them, but he needs to be closer to his sunshine to interact with them, including his sunshine. If all he can touch is his sunshine for a long time, it just makes his neediness to be close to them all the worse.

Fortunately, Alice pretty much accepted Jack of being capable of touching and interacting with things right away, so it’s not as bad for him as it could have been... but let’s face it, Jack’s need for sensory stimulation is going to be pretty bad regardless.

Jack is hyper aware of everything about his sunshine - the feeling of her skin, how warm each part of her body is, how soft... All the little folds and curves. He memorizes the sensation of her fingers wrapped around his and just how small she is when he holds her in his arms, completely surrounding her.

Jack is so aware of her scent too, so very, very aware. Most of the time Alice smells of vanilla cupcakes and sugar cookies due to her shampoo and deodorant, but sometimes she puts on perfume or switches things up. He notices it right away when it changes, but most of all he notices how her distinct scent without any perfumes affects it. He’s smelled her products directly - out of curiosity he swears - but it’s not the same. It’s nice... but it’s not her.

Smelling Alice’s pillows and clothes... now there’s where he gets his hit when he can’t be close enough to breathe her in. At the start, she gave him one of her pillows that smelled just like her. She never really gets it back, and when Jack gets sneakier with slipping away to take care of himself, he brings the pillow with him. He buries his face in it as he jerks himself off to thoughts of her, imagining that he’s buried his face in her chest or between her thighs.

When Jack discovers that Alice has a pillow that she props between her legs to sleep more comfortably, he can’t help but imagine her humping that pillow imagining it’s him. She doesn’t, of course, but the fantasy gets to him, and he can’t help but be the one to enact it, imagining that he’s thrusting into where this lucky pillow usually rests. He made sure to clean it up thoroughly afterwards so she doesn’t notice, but seeing her sleep with it after that drives him crazy.

Jack knows using her pillows and clothes like that is wrong, but it’s fine, right? He’s being patient, waiting for the day that Alice is ready to do these things with him. He knows it’ll happen. He can feel how much she cares about him. With every day they get closer... and she’s slowly starting to see just how perfect they are for each other too. One day, he won’t need to settle for a pillow. One day, he’ll be thrusting his cock into all of her holes, listening to her pretty moans that are only for him.

And, well, he’s right, basically. Jack is a very, very happy man when that happens, and he makes sure Alice doesn’t regret choosing him. He’s going to make sure that she enjoys every second of their lovemaking.

Until then, Jack has his fantasies of what it’ll be like. He fantasizes about Alice on a daily basis, often lewd fantasies but sometimes wholesome and sweet like imagining them getting married. He’ll try his best to only imagine what he’s seen of of her so far without assuming what he’ll find underneath her clothes. It doesn’t matter what equipment she has after all, she’s beautiful and perfect to him just as she is. He laser focuses on every new inch of skin he sees, searing it into his mind forever and adding it to his fantasies.

Sometimes it feels to Jack as if Alice is teasing him as well. He would be convinced that she is if he couldn’t pick up on her thoughts. She’s genuinely oblivious how sexy she looks wearing only a too thin t-shirt with no bra, especially when she stretches. She doesn’t notice how her clothes ride up when she stretches or how he drinks her in when she does. He can’t help but notice just how flexible she is and imagine how he might be able to make her body bend around his in various delicious angles. Until that day though, he won’t let anything slip by his notice.

This leads into Jack’s voyeurism kink. This is pretty closely tied to the exhibitionist kink. He loves to show off his sexy body and see the desire in his partner’s eyes. He wants them to know what he has to offer, how good he can make his partner feel, and how good they make him feel. He also enjoys seeing his partner show off their body to him and watching them get off… provided that it’s not with someone else. Watching someone else make his partner moan isn’t his idea of a fun time. Sure his partner is sexy, but… it leaves him feeling insecure. What if they like the other person better? He can’t risk it. They should only be moaning because of him.

So when it comes to voyeurism, Jack would rather watch his partner get themselves off for his pleasure, preferably moaning his name or even begging him to take them. He would even enjoy watching his partner play with themselves in a deliberate effort to tease and entice him. Brat taming is something he enjoys, and making sure his partner knows who’s really in control of their pleasure as he teases them even more than they teased him is quite enticing to him.

Teasing is something that’s all in good fun, as far as Jack is concerned… as long as it remains playful of course. The degrader kink in his case isn’t done with insults like calling his partner a slut or other such degrading insults, unless they explicitly wanted him to do that of course. Rather, it’s the excitement of making his partner feel flustered and overwhelmed, even embarrassed, that’s turning him on. He knows what they’re weak against and uses it against them to leave them a blushing mess, overwhelmed by how he knows them inside and out. No one else could ever be as close to them or know them as well as he can.

An example would be Jack praising Alice for being so wet when he fingers her while she’s standing in the camera’s blind spot at Popov’s, even though she’s worried about being caught doing something so lewd at work. With how flustered she gets in general, and especially when risking getting caught by others, it can be counted as degrading to be praised for doing such a lewd act in a semi-public place. However, he is not making her feel like she’s wrong for being aroused by something she finds embarrassing.

Jack never intends to make his partner feel bad in any way. He only wants to make them feel good. Coaxing them into doing things that get them aroused and overwhelmed in a good way is exciting for him. That’s why he’s also a big fan of overstimulation and orgasm denial. He loves making his partner orgasm repeatedly and watching them come undone. If he can leave his partner a babbling mess, begging him for more or that it’s too much, while clearly enjoying every second of what he’s doing to them, he feels so needed and wanted.

Being teased can be fun as well, though Jack prefers to be teased playfully by a partner who acts a bit bratty, pushing him to work for the prize of satisfying them both. His partner proposing a challenge for him to overcome is thrilling when he can shatter their expectations and leave them totally at his mercy.

Another way Jack enjoys being teased by his partner is if they try to “escape” him, acting as prey to allow him to indulge in his predator kink and chase them down. The idea of hunting his partner, searching for them wherever they run or hide, snatching them up, and getting a good taste of his prey as his prize is delightful. Adding in a bit of bondage as well by tying up his cute little prey adds an extra thrill. Then he can tease them with praise, touch, and affection until he tames them, leaving them begging him for more.

Sure, Jack technically has a cheat mode when it comes to finding Alice due to their connection, since he can sense her wherever she is through it, but that doesn’t mean hide and seek can’t still be fun. He can just pretend that he can’t sense where she’s hiding, really heightening up the tension as he pretends to overlook her hiding spot, coming so close, putting her on edge of being found, only to pass her by. It would be a game in and of itself to tease her with the threat of almost catching her until finally he’s ready to pounce and claim his cute little prey.

Jack isn’t exactly opposed to reversing the game, with him acting as the prey, but he would quickly turn it back around on his partner. With how little control he had in his life while alive, a part of him rebels against being controlled by anyone… though his sunshine is a bit of a unique case.

Alice didn’t have to save him from hell. That was her choice. Jack might have been willing to give her anything if she saved him, but she didn’t actually want anything from him except to save him. It’s for that reason that he’ll do anything for her. He might not want to give up control, but if it was for her sake, he would let her take total control of him as long as she loves him, needs him, and never forgets him.

Really, Jack would find it cute to imagine Alice trying to hunt him down or act dominant with him in the bedroom, especially since he knows that he would soon turn the tables on her and turn her into his adorable prey. It would be more like brat taming for him in that case, teasing and tempting her until she was too flustered to continue trying to keep control, submitting to him and his love~

However, Jack only enjoys predplay if it remains play. It stops being fun if his partner is genuinely scared or in distress from the behavior. It’s the same with any kink really. A good dominant pays attention to the submissive’s comfort and needs, and he’ll be sure to satisfy all of his sunshine’s needs.

Although Jack has been shown in the test to prefer being a sadist, he’s not actually a fan of making his partner feel pain. Back when he was still alive, he could be more comfortable with various forms of mild sadism, such as spanking or hair pulling, but in the present, the idea of hurting his sunshine even in such minor ways is unthinkable. He would only be able to handle dealing out pain to his sunshine if that’s what they sincerely found pleasurable, since he would want to fulfill their needs. Of course, he would be checking in on how they’re doing a bit excessively to make sure that he never gets too tough.

Rather, the form of sadism that Jack enjoys is leaving marks on his partner’s body, particularly kiss and bite marks. It’s physical proof of his love on their skin that shows the world just how much he loves them. It’s not to the point of spilling blood or leaving a permanent scar, just leaving behind evidence of their lovemaking. It’s proof that they’re his. He’s the one who made those marks, and anyone who sees them will know his partner chose him and not them. He won’t bite unless his partner enjoys it of course. If they do, he’s going to get a taste of them and make sure it leaves a mark behind.

I mean look at this screencap. Jack really wants to be nibbling on his sunshine instead of his lip.

This is especially true in the present. Although Jack can’t stand the idea of hurting his sunshine, seeing Alice covered in hickies and bite marks makes him feel more real. He’s left irrefutable evidence of his existence on her skin, and he makes sure to adorn her in as many as she’ll allow, especially in places that she can’t easily cover up. It gives him a thrill to think that anyone who sees her would see those marks and realize that she doesn’t need them. She chose him. She’s his just as much as he’s hers. The world might not be able to see him (yet), but he’s proving that he’s real by showing the world that he’s claimed his sunshine.

Another way that Jack wants to mark his claim on his sunshine is with his cum love. Seeing his partner as a sweaty, overstimulated mess, adorned in a pearl necklace he made for them with a dripping cream pie between their legs just does it for him. He would love to make a mess of his sunshine and admire his handiwork afterwards.

This leads to Jack having a breeding kink. When he was alive, it was more mild than it is in the present. Although being a parent was a bit intimidating for him back then due to his toxic upbringing, he always hoped that he would find a loving partner and be a father someday. Granted, a breeding kink doesn’t necessarily have to lead to procreation, but simply the act of seeding his partner can be just as fun~

With the world being unable to see/hear/touch him, Jack feels more of an urge to leave his mark. Since Alice is the only one that he can interact with, that makes him want to leave his mark on her body in any way that she’ll allow. Getting her pregnant is the ultimate proof that he’s real, and even before she is ready to have kids with him, he’s fantasized about it countless times. In the past, he was thinking of siring or adopting one kid, maybe two, but in the present he wants more kids than that - as many as his sunshine will agree to. The thought of her pregnant, watching her tummy grow larger with his child drives him crazy in the best ways.

Jack is open to experimentation and trying new things, particularly at the request of his partner. He’ll do his best to accommodate his partner’s needs, whatever they might be, even if they’re not to his tastes… provided it doesn’t put them or their relationship at risk. More extreme kinks… he’ll be willing to give them a shot, but if they’re too dangerous or damaging, he’ll try to pump the brakes or at least talk about why his partner is interested in it so that they can reach a compromise that’s healthier for both of them.

As shown in the demo, Jack is very vocal in bed. He showers his partner with praise. He can talk dirty as well, though he could only swear while he was still alive. In the present, his dirty talk is mostly innuendo, as he can’t bring himself to swear anymore. Sunny Day Jack would never swear after all, it would be utterly unthinkable for a kids TV show character. If his partner wants him to degrade them by using specific insults and terms, he’ll indulge them as best as he’s able, but he’ll make sure to dish out extra praise and affection during aftercare so that he can remind them just how much they mean to him. He thinks the world of his sunshine, and he wouldn’t want to risk them actually believing that he really does think such horrible things about them.

Jack is the king of aftercare. If his partner needs anything, he’ll get it even if he’s tired. Need water or a snack? He’s on it. Need cuddles? Oh you bet he’s all over that. Need help getting cleaned up? Don’t worry, he’ll carry his partner to the bath and change the messy bedding for them. Sore? He’ll be sure to gently massage those tense muscles into submission.

Jack’s mouth isn’t just good with words. He has quite the talent for oral play. He loves using his mouth all over his partner’s body, particularly where they’re most sensitive, or where they need extra love. His favorite place to kiss, besides their lips, is their throat, as he can feel his partner’s moans vibrate against his lips, giving him that little bit of extra feedback that he’s doing a good job.

However, the sexiest part of the body for Jack is his partner’s stomach, though he loves every inch of his sunshine. A soft round tummy just does it for the guy, though all stomach shapes are lovely. He just loves having a partner who is soft and perfect for cuddling. He enjoys having a softer partner who he can protect, especially if they’re smaller than him. Caging his soft partner underneath him makes him feel secure, and he’ll keep them trapped in his arms all night long if they let him.

Jack’s favorite positions are ones where he’s facing his partner. He wants to see the expressions they make and kiss them as they make love. He favors the mating press in particular, as it allows him to penetrate his partner as deeply as possible and hit just the right spots to make them scream his name and see stars. He wants to be totally surrounded by his sunshine’s warmth and feel their love all around him.

Jack has a very high libido, so he wants to have sex as often as possible. He would want to do it every day, even multiple times a day if possible, masturbating and fantasizing about his sunshine if not. His stamina was just a bit higher than average when he was alive, but now that he’s a supernatural entity with powers, he can keep going with a very short refractory period. If his sunshine lets him, he could make love to them for hours. Of course, he’ll be considerate about the difference in their sex drives and energy levels.

Being an actor, Jack is excellent at roleplay. In fact, he might be able to get into the part too well at times. In the past, it was easier for him to get carried away with a role (which plays a part in why he’s Jack now instead of Joseph), but in the present, if he goes too far with it, that could lead to him mentally crashing back down when he realizes that he’s acting out of character for Sunny Day Jack. If he can justify Sunny Day Jack playing such a role, he doesn’t have to suffer such dissonance, so any roleplay in the present will have a bit of a primary colored tint to it.

Of course, the more relaxed Jack gets in his relationship with his sunshine, the easier it’ll be for him to slip out of character and be more himself. If these “out of character” moments never result in anything bad and his sunshine enjoys who he is when he’s at his most open and vulnerable… then maybe he’ll be able to be more comfortable acting more like himself instead of the character he wishes he was…

This is the goal for Sunshine in Hell. Although Jack is going to try his best to stay in character as Sunny Day Jack at the start, as he spends time with Alice and the two of them grow closer, he’s able to make himself more vulnerable to her, less guarded. He’s able to experiment more, indulge in the desires he has that Sunny Day Jack would never even think about. Eventually, he’ll be able to be someone who isn’t the character that he portrays, but someone comfortable in his own skin, with someone who loves him as the flawed man that he is and not as the perfect idol that he wishes he was.

I think we’ll wrap things up for Jack on that heartwarming note… especially since his entry has ballooned into 12 14 pages at this point, hahaha. I might have more thoughts in the future, but let’s show the other characters some love too, shall we?

Speaking of love, let’s talk about Jack’s sunshine, specifically my version of the MC for this erotic yandere romance game.

Alice

As I’ve mentioned before in other headcanon rambles, Alice is on the aro/ace spectrum. While she does experience horny thoughts/urges, she doesn’t actually desire someone romantically or sexually unless she’s known them for a while and has developed a bond with them. She can objectively see that someone is attractive and admire them, even feel flustered by the attention that they give to her, but these are platonic feelings. It’s only after she’s been friends with someone and opens up to them that she might develop romantic feelings for them. Even then that’s not always a guarantee. Sexual attraction then follows only after she’s made a deep romantic connection with that person, and only with that person. This would make her orientation demi-romantic, demi-sexual.

Because it takes such deep trust and closeness for Alice to fall in love with someone, when she falls in love, she falls hard… for better and for worse.

Alice is strictly monogamous. She can’t bear the idea of sharing her partner with another person, and she’ll do all she can to serve their needs to the best of her ability. She’s also fairly clingy with her partner, as her love language is primarily physical touch. She loves holding onto her partner as much as possible, playing with their hands or hair, caressing their face, nuzzling into their touch, and in general just cuddling up to them as much as they’ll allow. She can also get silly with her affection, licking or nibbling on her partner playfully if they allow her, and writing words or symbols on their skin with her finger.

Of course, Alice is careful to be gentle when nipping her partner since she has slightly larger fangs than the average person. If she bit down hard, she could draw blood with those fangs… if her partner is into that and convinces her that they really want her to do some damage of course.

Alice is only comfortable with physical touch with someone if she trusts them and has a positive connection with them. If she doesn’t have some level of trust, being touched puts her on edge, even if it’s something as casual as a pat on the back.

The part of her partner’s body that Alice finds most attractive is their chest. Big, small, flat, soft… they’re all beautiful, and she loves to bury her face into her partner’s chest and listen to their heartbeat as often as she can, feeling them breathe as she holds them close. She also enjoys hands, snuggling into them, touching them, lacing their fingers together. It makes her feel so wanted to feel her partner’s hands reaching out to hold her.

Although Alice tends to favor being more submissive in the bedroom, she’s a service bottom, wanting to make sure her partner feels good. She’s not content to be a pillow princess, just lying there and letting things happen to her. She wants to do whatever she can to make her partner feel satisfied and happy… even if that means doing things that she isn’t exactly comfortable with.

Alice struggles to reject anything that her partner suggests, even if it makes her uncomfortable. She wants so badly to be a good partner who is worthy of the person she loves, since she has self-confidence issues. A lifetime of fat shaming from many sources, including society at large, has made her hate how her body looks, and she feels ugly. This is something she struggles with and though she has been called beautiful, she can’t bring herself to really believe it when the majority of people have called her ugly. It didn’t help that she was treated as a weirdo by her peers and isolated or ignored. This has led to Alice feeling a need to “make up” for how “unattractive” she is with acts of service for her partner in the bedroom.

This has led to unfortunate incidents in her sex life. Alice pushed herself to have sex before she was ready, with a partner who didn’t know what he was doing. It was clumsy, even painful, and though she tried not to think about it, she was reminded of the SA she experienced as a teenager. This was not anyone’s fault, but ignoring the warning signs of a trauma trigger can be pretty devastating.

Needless to say, Alice and Ian’s first time was… rough, and full of apologies from both of them, along with a lot of guilt. I touched on how difficult their sex life was in previous posts before, such as this one. Sadly, their sex life played a part in why their relationship turned sour.

Sex with Ian was mostly Alice servicing him with handjobs and blowjobs, with penetrative sex coming infrequently. Unfortunately, Alice didn’t really enjoy the penetrative sex, as Ian tended to go too rough with her, and they both had the misconception that pain was always involved at the start of penetration for the person being penetrated (if not for the whole experience.) Sadly, by this point in their relationship, Alice was having a hard time voicing any complaints that might make Ian feel bad or like he was wrong in some way. She mistakenly believed that she was the problem for not really enjoying or getting off on the experience. After all, there was pleasure along with the pain, and penetrative sex was what all sex led up to, right? Was it even sex without it?

Penetrative sex is so glorified in media, that Alice believes sex is incomplete without it, as if she’s denying that full connection of love with her partner if she doesn’t do it. It might be painful, but she wants that deep connection with the person she loves. Plus, Ian would always be so eager and excited for it. She found him just so cute, and it made her feel good that he desired her so much that he couldn’t hold back. It might have been painful, but it was worth it to be the only person in the world who could drive him so crazy with desire. It was so nice of him to think of her when he wanted to try out a new technique that he was sure would make her feel good, since, ho boy, did the lady in the porn ecchi enjoy it!

Unfortunately, Alice learned over time being with Ian that getting sex techniques from porn really isn’t a good point of reference. That’s why she eventually started reading articles giving advice on sex-friendly websites to get a better sense about real sex, rather than the fictionalized version depicted in porn.

But, hey, at least Ian was happy. Alice took joy in his happiness and satisfaction, and enjoyed the cuddling they did in the afterglow the most. Cuddling, kisses, listening to his satisfied sighs, and hearing how much he loved her were what she enjoyed the most about their lovemaking.

Of course, Alice found that same satisfaction with just cuddling and a nice make out session without sex involved.

Sadly, like a lot of people with little experience, Alice is under the mistaken assumption that penetration hurts at first, but soon goes away. This is an exceedingly common trope in hentai/ecchi where the bottom, regardless of gender, always feels pain at the start of being penetrated but then pleasure makes the pain disappear at some point. It’s treated as expected in this form of media, something unavoidable that must be tolerated for the sake of enjoying sex. Heck, for some people, pain during penetration is a feature of sex, not a bug.

This is why when Alice and Jack eventually have penetrative sex, the fact that it doesn’t hurt even a little bit catches her off-guard. Not that she’ll complain, obviously. This results in making her more enthusiastic about that form of sex than she ever thought that she could be.

Alice does not enjoy pain, at all. It’s not sexy to her to be spanked, choked, insulted, or to be otherwise made uncomfortable and used. She’ll try out something that she might dislike for the sake of her partner’s kinks, and she’ll tolerate things that are painful if her partner feels good, but that doesn’t mean she’ll necessarily get much enjoyment out of the experience.

Inflicting pain or insults on her partner is something that Alice doesn’t care for either. She’s too empathetic, and the idea of doing harm to her partner, whether verbal or physical, even if they take pleasure in it, makes her feel exceedingly anxious. She prefers being gentle, sweet-talking her partner and cuddling with them.

The most Alice would want to do is playful teasing and leaving kiss marks along with gentle love bites. She could be convinced to bite harder, scratch, or spank if her partner was really into that, but she’s far too much of a marshmallow to handle any sort of hard sadism or masochism. Soft, cuddly, vanilla lovemaking full of sweet words and praise is what makes her feel happiest.

Praise is Alice’s biggest weakness. Whether it’s platonic, romantic, or sexual, she gets easily overwhelmed when she’s praised. She loves it, but struggles to accept it due to her low self-esteem. It makes her happy to know she’s doing a good job, and it encourages her to do more when it comes to pleasuring her partner.

Getting positive attention, compliments, gifts, and in general being treated special is something Alice struggles with, even with her partner. It takes her a while to really believe it. Ian actually did a world of good for her self-confidence… before he completely destroyed it when he cheated on her, making it worse than it ever was. Jack has his work cut out for him.

Alice masturbates often, but as a stress relief more than anything else. It’s less about being horny or desiring someone else and more about self-care. An orgasm can be very relaxing after a stressful day. She bought toys to help her do this more efficiently, only rarely taking time out to enjoy masturbation as anything more than a quick stress release. Of course, she finds it more fun to play with toys when she’s sharing them with her partner.

After making the connection to Jack, Alice finds her libido increasing because she is picking up on his horny feelings. It leads to many confusing moments where she wonders why she’s feeling horny out of nowhere far more often than she normally did before, and she does make the connection between those feelings and Jack… but attributes it to him just being that attractive in every sense of the word, which only further confuses her feelings towards him in the beginning.

Once Alice and Jack start having sex, her libido increases substantially due to this connection and how much she enjoys the experience. He’s so attentive to her needs and is so eager to praise her when he pleases her or she pleases him that it’s hard not to get addicted to their lovemaking sessions. While she and Ian would have sex once or twice a week on average, usually to satisfy his desires and not hers, she winds up enthusiastically wanting to have sex with Jack almost daily once they finally reach that point in their relationship.

Being restrained is a complicated kink for Alice. She’s never considered herself one for bondage, and, if anything, she doesn’t think that she’ll like it. Her SA trauma has to do with being restrained against her will, so if she feels trapped during sex, it can cause her to panic. Ian has accidentally triggered this trauma in the past.

Being held down or confined by her partner isn’t so much the issue in and of itself. Alice enjoys the security of being completely engulfed in her partner’s arms, safe and secure. There are times when she would seek it out, loving the feeling of her partner lying on top of her like a weighted blanket. It’s when they won’t let her go even when she indicates she wants them to that the discomfort immediately sets in. Although she tries to power through the feeling and remind herself that she trusts her partner and that they won’t hurt her like the people who committed SA against her, and they care about her… trauma is not always that easy to reason through.

This can be a bit of an issue when you have a partner who has a tendency to lose control of his urges and refuses to let you go or come up for air until he’s satisfied.

Needless to say, this led to moments full of guilt and apologies from both sides between Ian and Alice. This, as you might expect, was one of the big contributors to why they didn’t have sex all that often.

Restraining her partner… now that’s something Alice would be surprised to find that she enjoys. Having her partner tied up and helpless as she lovingly pays attention to their body, maybe even blindfolded so they don’t know where she’s going to touch or kiss next would be exciting.

I think I just had an idea for another short fic to write sometime. Better make a note of this for later.

Ahem, moving on… Alice isn’t one for exhibitionism. She’s a very private person overall, and with her self-esteem issues, she would rather have anything more physical than a kiss or hug be kept private. She doesn’t want to have to think or worry about other people when intimate with her partner, preferring to just focus on her beloved and the intimate moment that they’re sharing. Since she can only get sexual with someone she trusts deeply, she doesn’t want to involve other people, even as an audience.

Sadly, Jack isn’t going to be able to indulge in his exhibitionism kink to the fullest with Alice because of this. Though having sex in risky places where they could get caught is a fair compromise that she winds up enjoying way more than she ever thought she would. She wouldn’t enjoy getting caught though, and it would take a lot of coaxing to get her to try again if that happened, but fortunately Jack is a very sneaky ghost(?) who knows a few tricks to make sure that no one will interrupt when he’s showing love to his sunshine.

Alice’s favorite position is missionary. She loves being held by her partner and looking into their eyes, seeing the love they have for her and how good they’re feeling. She loves the feeling of their body on top of hers like a warm weighted blanket. She loves watching them bite their lip and strain themselves to hold on, or roll their eyes up towards the ceiling from pleasure. Watching her partner’s face and knowing that she’s the one making them feel good makes her feel good in turn. She loves it when they look at her with love and desire, like she’s the only person in the world they could ever feel this way towards.

Face to face positions in general are the ones Alice prefers, though she gets anxious about any position that puts her on top. She’s chubby, and she worries about her weight being too much for her partner. For example, if they tell her to sit on their face and that they want to be crushed by her thighs, she’ll be very skeptical that it’ll end well. It’s something that would take a lot of gentle coaxing to get her to try it, and reassurance that they enjoyed doing it afterwards.

Although Alice’s worries limits her in the amount of positions she’s interested in trying, she’s actually capable of doing a lot of them. Despite being chubby, she’s very flexible, able to do vertical splits and put her ankle around her head, to name a few. This makes yoga the ideal way for her to keep in shape. She isn’t confident enough to work out at a gym, but she doesn’t mind stretching with friends or a partner. She takes pride in her flexibility and her excellent sense of balance, not yet thinking about how this ability could be used to great effect in the bedroom.

Needless to say, those attracted to Alice can be treated to quite a show when watching her do yoga. Jack especially is eager to encourage her to exercise often and is only too happy to help her get into the harder poses. He looks up just how to do them so he knows where he can put his hands just right to help her. Before they’re lovers, it’s always so tempting for him to just “slip” and touch her someplace a bit naughtier... but he respects her consent and boundaries. He won’t touch her someplace unless she wants him to, no matter how badly he wants to put his hands and mouth on every inch of her body.

Naturally, once they become lovers, yoga sessions get a bit spicy. Alice has to wonder if Jack is really eager for her to work out to help her stay fit or if he just wants to experiment with positions. Still, it’s a very pleasurable incentive that encourages her to work out more often. It also encourages her to intentionally tease him with her stretches once she grows more confident in their physical intimacy, going into a playful back and forth that she knows is going to end up with him eventually snapping from the tension, stripping of her workout clothes and taking her against the yoga mat.

Teasing her partner and encouraging them to lose control is something Alice can appreciate. It was a bit risky when it came to Ian since when he lost control it could be painful or even suffocating, so she always had to be cautious about how far to push and be prepared for fallout. With Jack though, he’s always so mindful of her comfort no matter how wild she drives him. That allows her to just cut loose and tease him to her heart’s content, knowing that he’ll never hurt her and it’s only going to feel good.

Driving her lover into losing control over their desire makes Alice feel sexy, beautiful. She wants the person she loves and desires to need her so badly that they can’t think of anyone else. She wants to be irreplaceable. She thought that she found that with Ian, so it was worth the pain, but his cheating proved that she was mistaken. Fortunately, Jack will be all too happy to make sure she knows how special she is and how there’s no one else in the world he could ever want, need, or love more than her.

In general, Alice is very vanilla when it comes to her kinks. She favors the emotional connection between her and her partner, the love and trust they share. That’s why she can only have sex with someone if she feels like she can fully trust that person. After Ian cheated, she couldn’t have sex with him again even when he wanted it, which strained their attempts to repair their relationship and helped her realize that things had gotten too toxic between them to try and go back to the way they were.

Overall, Alice is a very uncertain lover when it comes to her own pleasure or anything that might bring discomfort to her partner. She has an easier time focusing on their pleasure and getting enjoyment out of making them feel good. It’s easy for her to forget about herself in favor of her partner’s pleasure even if she’s uncomfortable, which is why she responds better to a partner who makes sure to stay mindful of her needs during the activities rather than get distracted by their own pleasure.

Speaking of a partner who gets carried away by his own pleasure…

Ian

Ian is someone who was very sheltered by his very strict religious upbringing. In his house, sexual desires were seen as shameful. Even masturbating was treated as a sin. Though he tried not to give in to his urges, he succumbed to his desires more often than not, and it made him feel weird. He loved the pleasure he felt from masturbating and the relief it gave him, but he “knew” that he was being “sinful” by doing so, which would leave him filled with shame and guilt afterwards. This would lead to a lot of repression when it comes to his sexuality. It didn’t help that his peers treated him like a weirdo and made fun of his looks/behavior/tastes, isolating him further.

Because of his upbringing, Ian always had a clear picture of what he was supposed to do to have a successful future. He needed to find one person, get married, have kids, and have a lucrative career. His mother pushed him towards a straight relationship in particular - at least when she wasn’t crushing his spirit that finding a partner was impossible for him at all - but he couldn’t help but find guys and non-binary people attractive as well. He has a lot of crushes, both fictional and not, and he has a secret stash of various media full of many waifus, husbandos, and spousus.

Alice was one such person that Ian crushed on, but with her it was far more serious than anyone else. His feelings for his first and only childhood friend were deeper than surface level. They knew each other better than anyone. She was always there for him, supporting him, and making him feel like he wasn’t such a weirdo after all. Her being a girl had nothing to do with how hard he fell for her, though it did make him feel a little less anxious about his mom finding out about their relationship than he would have if his partner wasn’t a girl.

Ian is someone in heavy denial about his desires due to his upbringing. It’s “sinful” to lust after other people, particularly outside of a straight context according to his mother and the scriptures. It’s “sinful” to have lustful thoughts outside of marriage. Heck, even in the confines of marriage, sex is meant only for the sake of procreation. It made him feel weird about desiring people, so he convinced himself that he simply… didn’t. He went into deep denial, telling himself that people were weird, and since he didn’t know them these feelings weren’t something to think about at all. It was easier that way.

Ian knew Alice though, so she became the exception to this taboo he had been taught all his life when she became his partner. For him, it was okay to lust after his partner… at least as much as it could be with anyone. Though his mother insisted lust, even towards his partner, was only selfishly satisfying his manhood in a sinful way, society often said otherwise. Media and their peers made it seem so normal to have sexual urges and want to explore them. Even Alice insisted his feelings were normal and nothing to be ashamed about. He learned more and more about what was normal once he was out from under his mother’s influence and interacted with other people.

While Ian did learn to accept and even embrace the fact that he’s pansexual/panromantic, it’s not so easy to shake the shame related to his sexuality or sex in general thanks to his mother’s toxic influence.

At his house with his mother, even the internet was restricted. Ian didn’t get access to porn until he moved out to college, and even then, that made him feel awkward. He didn’t know how to handle these weird feelings towards strangers, since he was taught that they were sinful and risked damning him to hell. Lusting after fictional characters seemed okay though. That was just a fantasy, playing pretend. Even his mother had romance books that got pretty smutty, though she wailed into him the one time she caught him going through her stash.

This was what led to Ian having a lot of fictional crushes, anime figures, and, of course, ecchi. While the local library didn’t have straight up porn or hentai, it did have more risque manga stories in the form of ecchi, which is why he insists so hard that it’s not porn. The library would never have anything like porn, so it’s not sinful! This means it’s okay that he has a collection of it. He’s not a sinful pervert!

Ecchi has a tendency to really push the boundaries of what can be constituted as porn though, and Ian absorbed all of the sex in those pages like a sponge. The people in the book always looked to be having fun. Sex was something wild and passionate. The people lost control of their desires and enjoyed themselves in a way that he was always denied. Sex was this all-encompassing force of nature in so many stories, not just in ecchi. He was fascinated by it even as he was afraid of those feelings.

Because of this repression, Ian saw himself in these characters who lost themselves in moments of passion as they claimed their lover. This raw animalistic lust was exciting and really resonated with him. Once he started pleasuring himself and forgot about the guilt of his desires, he would lose control in a similar way. He would keep going until he was satisfied, completely losing himself in the experience… only to be hit with guilt once he came down from the high.

With Alice, Ian had an outlet for his sexual desires. She helped him see that these desires weren’t sinful, and she was eager to help him feel good. She made him feel wanted, beautiful, and sexy. With her help, like many things in his life, he gained more confidence in his sexual urges. He explored his sexuality more, both in fiction and with her, though he was far more hesitant and awkward with the latter.

What didn’t help was the mistakes Ian would make… but, in a way, he was used to making mistakes. He was always making mistakes, always blamed by his mother for just about every reason under the sun even if he didn’t actually do anything. All perceived problems were his fault and so he must apologize. Constantly.

Alice supported Ian when he felt sinful, filthy, and sad. She forgave him for his mistakes and even told him he didn’t have to apologize so much. She loved him and he loved her in return for how strong and supportive she was to him.

Ian would try to make amends for his mistakes with apologies, cuddling, and especially with gifts. His primary love language is gift giving, and thanks to the trust fund his absent dad left him, he could give gifts to those he cared about often. He gives friends and especially his partner presents. He even gives his mother presents to let her know that he still loves her despite everything and that he just wants them to actually have a good relationship… however futile that gesture might be.

Although Ian struggles to be vocal about what he wants when it comes to sex and romance, he can be pretty romantic at times… even if he’s got dirty thoughts in mind to go along with it. He knows how romantic a candle lit bedroom with a bed covered in rose petals while sexy jazz plays in the background really sets the mood. Too bad it didn’t actually work out the first time he tried it.

Sadly, Ian was hoping that if he set the mood just right, he and Alice could finally go all the way and lose their virginity to each other. Too bad the mood died a painful death when Shaun walked in instead, and it was a while before Ian got the guts to try that again… at least while Alice was still rooming with Shaun. Initiating sex with her was much easier after they moved into their own place.

I’ve gone over the reasons why I think Ian cheated in previous posts, here, here, here, and here in detail, so I won’t rehash it too deeply this post.

To sum it up - Ian was on his own for the first time in his life when he moved to the performing arts school, without anyone to support him, particularly his partner. He had grown conventionally attractive as he aged, and he was surrounded by peers who shared his interests, which gave him a taste of popularity for the first time. He was given all sorts of new and exciting experiences, meeting all sorts of people who he found attractive. He grew closer to new people, and without his partner around he grew lonely… which led him to giving in to his desires in the worst way possible.

The experience was exciting. The forbidden nature of it actually made the act more enticing due to how repressed Ian was because of his background. It was all “sinful” after all…

Like a lot of people who grew up heavily repressed by religion, Ian finds arousal in things deemed forbidden and sinful. Despite being bullied as a kid, being degraded sexually is something that turns him on. Though he protests about being teased, he enjoys it, even to the point that being called a beast or a sinful slut makes him feel aroused, though he finds such feelings confusing. He likes being commanded and punished by his partner, completely at their mercy and begging them for more.

While this would suggest Ian is a submissive, he’s actually a switch vers. It doesn’t matter who’s doing the penetrating as long as it feels good. Taking control of his partner and rutting into their holes like an animal feels just as good as being taken. He just needs to learn how to better control his urges so he can pay attention to his partner’s needs and comfort to improve taking the dominant role.

Ian is the type of person who gets lost in the pleasure of sex. Once he gets to a certain point, he starts losing his inhibitions, getting more vocal and needy. He’ll praise his partner and beg for more even when he’s the one dominating, growing increasingly needier as the pleasure grows more intense.

The part of the body Ian finds most attractive is the ass. More than once he’s had thoughts of slapping or squeezing his partner’s ass, but was too shy to give into the urge except when actively engaging in sex. Because of this, his favorite position is doggy style, as we can see in this very NSFW picture by Sauce. He loves the way his partner’s ass bounces with each thrust, and he’ll add to the jiggle with the occasional slap once he loses himself in the moment. As he grows more confident in his desires and represses himself less, he’ll consciously want to explore the kink of spanking.

Bondage, both giving and receiving, is something that Ian would want to try, along with some other kinks, but he doesn’t have the courage to initiate it at this time. In general, he struggles to initiate anything related to sex, as that ties into the guilt and shame that was hammered into his upbringing. However, it’s fairly easy for him to get aroused, which would serve as an unintentional way to initiate sex more often than not.

Being an actor, Ian would thrive with roleplay in the bedroom. It would help him pretend to be someone else, someone more confident and lustful. It could help him lose himself in the moment rather than get caught up in his own doubts and insecurities.

Ian struggles with accepting his own sexual desires, which makes it harder for him to communicate with his partner about his needs. This leads to him taking cues from ecchi on what to do, not checking in with his partner like he should, and getting lost in the moment, letting the urges take him where he wants to go. Once he accepts himself as a sexual being and that it’s healthy to feel these desires, his communication difficulties with his partner should improve.

Having a partner who takes the lead is probably ideal for Ian. Being told what to do is something he’s used to, and he feels more confident with guidance. He worries about making mistakes, but if he’s guided through the scene by his partner, he has less reason to worry. In a way, being so good at taking direction is why he makes an excellent actor.

Speaking of direction, how about we switch over to the next love interest on the list?

Shaun

Shaun has a bit of a wild side when it comes to sex. He loves kitten play, both being the kitten and being the master of a sweet sexy kitten. He’ll put his partner in cat ears, a tail with a butt plug, and a collar with a leash if they let him, and he’ll be open to doing the same in return.

Biting and scratching is another one of his kinks, with some minor sadism and masochism. Spanking, bondage, blindfolds… Shaun is eager to explore unconventional means of having sex.

Shaun’s favorite part of the body is thighs. He’ll happily die suffocated by his partner’s thighs. Lying down with his head in his partner’s lap will make him purr. He’ll wear their thighs as earmuffs and bend them back as he pleases, paying extra attention kissing, licking, biting, and raking his fingernails across them.

Then, of course, there’s thigh-high fishnet stockings. Wear a pair of these, especially when accented with a garter belt, and Shaun turns into a puddle of horny goo, especially if they’re worn by his partner/crush, as shown in this steamy picture by Sauce.

To be fair, this is a very spicy sight. Shaun is a man of taste.

Overall, Shaun is a dominant vers, but he’s willing to submit and be a good kitty… eventually. Cats do what they want after all, and it’s going to take a little more than some ear scritches to get this cat daddy to submit to his partner, which is part of the fun.

Speaking of which, Shaun has a daddy kink. If his partner can be a good little kitten and let daddy pet and play with them as he pleases, he’ll be a very happy cat daddy.

While Shaun leans towards monogamy, he’s actually open to joining a poly relationship if the right people came along. He actually considered what it might be like to enter a relationship with both Alice and Ian, but he found that his vibes just didn’t mesh with Ian at all, and not just because Ian’s taste in anime is trash. He just never felt attracted to Ian like he did with Alice, and they never really connected like he did with her.

Shaun got a crush on Alice while they were taking the same class in college. He met her well before he ever knew Ian. They sat next to each other in class and wound up chatting often. They had stuff in common like horror movies, enjoying goth aesthetic, and being silly goobers who joke around with their friends. They’re also the mom/dad friend types taking care of their friend group. She was just so kind and sweet that he couldn’t help but fall hard for her.

It’s a shame that when Shaun finally gathered up the courage to ask Alice out, she casually mentioned that she was meeting with her boyfriend, breaking the poor guy’s heart.

Poor Shaun. Alice had no idea that he was asking her out on a lunch date instead of just going to grab a bite as friends. She missed all the signals he sent her way.

After that, Shaun tried hard not to think about his crush on Alice. He tried to just be there for her as a friend and move on from his romantic feelings, if only for the sake of their friendship. It was just hard when they had so much in common and had such good chemistry… and he couldn’t help but notice some troubling red flags in her relationship with Ian.

It never really seemed to be the right time for Shaun to try to get together with Alice. First it was because she was already in a relationship. Then she had been cheated on and needed a friend rather than someone who would take advantage of her in her most vulnerable moment. She was still in love with Ian even after the breakup, and wasn’t receptive to anyone else romantically for a long time.

Throughout knowing Alice, Shaun has dated other people. He’s had other crushes and tried to get into relationships, some more serious than others, but none have really worked out so far. He has yet to find someone who clicks with him the way that she does. Hopefully one day that might change. He had hoped that when he went off to another college that the distance would allow him to let go of his romantic feelings.

Sadly, a part of Shaun still couldn’t shake the small hope that maybe someday the stars would align and things could work out between them. Coming back to see Alice again just made all the feelings he thought he got over come rushing back… only for his heart to be crushed again when he finds out that once again she has a boyfriend who isn’t him…

Poor Shaun has it rough. I feel so bad for him. This is why I struggle with writing love triangles, hahaha. Still, I’m going with the headcanon that he does find love with someone eventually, someone who he is glad finally came into his life who he just can’t live without. I don’t have a specific character in mind for that role just yet, but I do have a few possibilities that I’m playing around with…

With that said, let’s move on to the fourth and final love interest.

Nick

I’m still indecisive on Nick’s view on love at this point, beyond his crush on the cute cashier at the circus-themed frozen yogurt shop. I’m tempted to have him be a stalker yandere like I talked about in an earlier theory about all the love interests being yandere, but also I’m tempted to go with the angle of him being a sex worker who just wants someone to love him for himself and not simply see him for what he does online.

I’ll probably get a better idea of which direction I want to go with Nick eventually. After all, the audio drama for him on patreon did influence some of my headcanons for him.

Maybe I’ll go with a combination of the two extremes. It would be hilarious that a yandere stalker dom finds himself tongue-tied in front of his crush despite working as an online influencer, rather than it just being a shy mask to get the object of his affection to lower their guard. Hmm…

Regardless of which direction I choose, Nick flirting with Alice at her job didn’t earn him any favors when it came to winning her heart. If anything it made her more on guard around him and lessened his chances of getting closer with her. It’s nothing personal against him, but being hit on while she’s at work makes her feel like she’s trapped, since she can’t leave, and she has no choice but to be polite to customers no matter what happens.

While I don’t have too many love-based headcanons really solidified in my head yet when it comes to Nick, I do see his primary love language as quality time. He’ll make time for those who he cares for, no matter how packed his schedule is, and he appreciates the same from them in return.

Since we’re shy on the romantic headcanons for Nick, let’s just go right to the spice. As we see in his profile, he’s an influencer by day and a dom by night. The audio drama shows him with a very dominating and flirty personality, at least when it comes to his audience. He runs an online streaming show where he talks sweet and dirty to his viewers live on camera. He also takes requests, which vary on the donation tiers. Those requests usually involve dirty talk, exposing himself, using toys on his body, and such. He has quite a lot of subscribers on lonelyfans, and most popular are his private one-on-one shows with a special lucky viewer on rare occasions.

Nick is big into exhibitionism. He shows off his body without shame and enjoys the attention he gets from his audience. He absolutely loves to talk dirty and see how it affects people. He’s good at painting a picture in his audience’s heads with a lewd description, and he gets off on the idea that he’s driving so many of his viewers crazy with lust.

While Nick does want someone to love him as a person, he also wants to be an object of desire for many people. He enjoys his job as a sex worker and the attention he gets online as a sexy dom with his lonelyfans account. Even if he was in a relationship, he would still do his lewd performances before the camera… and maybe he’ll have a special guest star or two on his show if he’s lucky. He would love to convince his romantic partner to join him on camera and dominate them before his large audience, maybe even take the viewers’ requests to decide what he’ll do to his partner next.

Although Nick is looking to join a relationship with just one person, he’s not against the idea of entering a poly relationship, or even participating in an orgy. After all, the more the merrier, right?

Just like on his live shows, Nick is a dominant in bed. He might be shy in casual settings, but he takes control of the scene when with a partner. He’s the one setting the pace, wanting to make his partner beg him and say what exactly they want. He experiments with the kinkier side of BDSM too, such as bondage, candles, and all sorts of toys that can leave a mark on skin and make his partner scream for him.

Nick is very experienced as a dom. He knows how to practice proper BDSM safety and take care of his partner(s) afterward. He can be soft during aftercare, and he knows the benefits of cuddle time. After all, he has a couple fur babies to take care of, and Pico and Cheese make excellent cuddle companions.

I think I’ll finish up Nick’s headcanons with this final spicy tidbit. As we’ve seen in teaser art, Nick has tongue and nipple piercings. I also headcanon that he has a jacob’s ladder piercing. I won’t describe what that is here, but if you know, you know.

I’ve heard that there are people who enjoy the feeling of piercings on sensitive areas, and Nick is one of them.

Conclusion

That’s about all that I can think of at the moment when it comes to my general love/sex headcanons for the main cast. I hope you all enjoyed my thoughts about what turn these five on and what they look for when it comes to relationships.

Though I suspect that when the full release of the game comes out, we’re going to discover that the male leads are probably going to be a lot kinkier than a vanilla aro/ace like me can headcanon up. Just a hunch. ;)

If you are hungry for more smut involving these characters, then you might be interested in checking out Sunshine in Hell or Sunshine in Another World. Those stories are rated as explicit for a reason, and there’s only going to have more scenes of smut to come. I’ve got plenty of rough drafts in the writing tag that I need to finish polishing and post on AO3 after all.

If you like my stories and ideas, please let me know what you think! I absolutely adore all kinds of feedback. It really helps fuel my creativity. Thank you for reading and I hope that you enjoyed reading this huge collection of sugar and spice!

EDIT: Holy crap the timing. I finished this list at the same time as a new incredibly spicy audio drama for Jack dropped on patreon. Join the $5 tier if you want to give it a listen. It’s so, so good and well worth it.

It did disprove that Jack is incapable or cursing or that he would call his sunshine a slut unprompted... but I’m going to stick with that headcanon for the Sunshine in Hell telling of the story anyway. Though eventually he will be able to get pretty spicy with his language the more he loosens up.

The drama also reminded me of a couple things that I left out. I’ve added a few more headcanons to Jack and Alice’s entries since the initial post, and it’s possible I might go back and add even more if more ideas hit me, hahaha. Sorry for any inconvenience.

[allsadnshit]

healing my relationship with femininity has been so important this past couple years and I think sometimes the way it's talked about can make it so much harder and so shameful for a lot of people to admit they struggle with because there's so much rhetoric about like "are you a girls girl or not?" and like a very black and white cold "girls who don't have girl friends are RED FLAGS! TOXIC! EVIL! TRAITORS" when I think in reality it's such an obvious sign of wounding to not be able to connect with women, whether growing up or in adulthood.

for myself it stems so largely from being raised by a single father and older brother and having my literal connection to women (my mom) severed really traumatically early in life when she passed and to fit in and be included in family things always meant having to sacrifice things I might have liked at the time like tea parties and barbie and being forced to watch action movies and male sports just to get quality time and attention in my home because they never made time for my interests as a young girl and were passively dismissive of them too (never let me pick the music cause I'd play "girlie stuff", never wanting to watch the movies I wanted to see in theaters meaning I also just didn't get to see them, having any feminine interests and hobbies be less celebrated) and it really shaped me.

somewhat naturally there was a glaring disconnect between not just myself and men who I couldn't seem to become communal with even if I shared all the same hobbies which I tried very hard to do like getting into yu gi oh and kung fu, but when I'd be put into situations with all other girls I felt isolated and clumsy because I didn't watch the same movies, didn't know how to do things like cute hair styles or braiding, and was just generally behind and felt much more like an observer than like I had any place in it.

I've always had girl friends but they were often isolated relationships with girls who also struggled with their girl relationships and were otherwise bullied or cast out, and those relationships even though sacred to me also often would become poisoned with jealousy and comparison because society pits women against each other especially growing up it felt like a literal competition and it's so common to be ranked by boys and even other girls and adults in terms of who's prettier or most desired which is really strange to apply to an already vulnerable dynamic in a formative part of life.

Because of a mix of all these bad circumstances I've really rejected myself and a lot of my natural connections to girlhood and women and I think it felt like an easier and safer route to just disconnect entirely which is what I did for most of my life until around the time of the first lock down when I was very privately buying girl clothes for the first time in years and experimenting with the idea that I'd like to allow myself some movement and fluidity with my relationship to gender. It really makes me sad the way so much of society makes us feel we need to do things a certain way or see ourselves a certain way to be living "correctly" when I think it's a very personal journey and being scorned and shamed for what we do or don't do makes us self conscious and unable to act naturally. I've gotten a lot of nasty comments from women who feel it should be easy to connect with women because they have gotten the privilege of healthy relationships with mothers, grandmothers, sisters, and friends and so feel that anyone who hasn't is just toxic and doing it to themselves which I just find extremely unkind and self interested.

and that's part of why I reject terms like "girls girl" even as I lean into healing my relationship to femininity and relationships with women and the social pressures we face. I know that term came about originally with the intention of expressing a relationship to women that was non competitive and based on mutual respect and care, but it's been transformed and used now in a really hatefully isolating way and I do not claim it or the energy towards other women it gives off of not seeing their humanity and flaws as places to grow and be loved through but as a reason to further disengage from.

[angelpink610]

Shadow Work is NOT meant to be easy or comforting;

Guess it’s about time that we talk about this!

This is a reminder to myself and to anyone that might need it—the ones who feel like it’s only bringing them down, that it’s making them feel miserable or bad. Let’s clear up some things.

Feeling down in the moment is the best sign you can receive that IT IS WORKING! Shadow Work is the courage to look at the parts of yourself you despise the most, you fear the most, you are embarrassed of the most. It’s not simply acknowledging that bad things happened to you, it’s experiencing them all over again but now straightening up your back and looking right to its face.

I, myself, also am someone that's still learning about it and have been experiencing hard times throughout it. Sometimes I feel unmotivated and down, also lately I had noticed my sleep was a bit more inconsistent and I have big dark circles. Well, I know that saying this is probably going to scare some people even more away—and I understand the unsettling feelings! But the way that I see it, it’s like anything great in life: takes time, heavy work and some sacrifices.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sacrificing my entire life because of it. I workout every single day, keep my mind active, go to university, all normal. But some minor sacrifices are the price we pay for lifelong healing. My personal experience’s greatest example of sacrifice is how much emotional energy it actually takes from you. I swear on my word that sometimes when I look at the notebook I use as my Shadow Work journal, I instantly feel kind of “off vibes”, like the energy that it has is unsettling—but, here’s the thing: it is!

The energy that it requires to heal your deepest traumas, pains, griefs, obviously wouldn’t be super light and nice. Your words carry the pain you felt, some that you still feel, the heaviness of its result on your life (maybe years, decades of constant suffering, even); it’s pretty obvious that the notebook that carries them wasn’t gonna be all warm and fuzzy.

It’s not easy, guys. And I know that, at this point, you might’ve already realized that, but I want to remember us all of something: it’s in adversity that we are able to grow. You are capable of living through this healing process, you are capable of surviving the dark before the light, you are capable of facing your monsters and returning with their heads on a stick. But you HAVE TO BELIEVE IT.

Live through the suffering stage of the process like the champion you already know you are. Don’t give up when you suddenly burst into tears during a meditation session where you talked to your younger self. Persist when you have to stop and take deep breaths at every few sentences you write when you are journaling about a traumatic event because it feels like it’s too much. Hold onto it tighter when you live all over again the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.

One last time: I’m not saying it’s easy or simple (in reality, those may be some of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do through your entire life, perhaps). But I do mean it when I say you’ll understand why you had to go through all that once you reach the light on the other side, and your scars will be the forever reminder THAT YOU ARE A SURVIVOR.

The same way a lot of kids are not scared of/don’t see evil in certain horror imageries until they are told that it is scary and choose to follow that thought—we should learn from them as adults and finally understand: monsters are only monsters when we give them the power to haunt us.

[tulipe-rose]

SO. FOLLOWERS. I FINALLY FOUND WHERE TO READ THE LNs, AND NOT JUST SOME SNIPPETS!!!

In celebration, I screenshotted every single line that caught my attention in 'Dazai's entrance exam', and wrote down notes of my thoughts on it. (This might turn into a series because damn I think too much (it's a blessing lol))

It's so interesting to see Kunikida's take on Abilities, it's very nicely phrased— important questions that definitely came to mind are mentioned here, only to hit us with the reality that no one has a theoretical explanation on it. Even the way Abilities manifest is a mystery. Some theorize it might be due to a traumatic experience, but no one truly knows.

OOO Martial arts trivia with Doppo-kun!! (Yeah I can't with myself rn, it's one am, and I decided that since Doppo is the narrator of this LN, I'll bully him a little lot; he made it super easy lmao.)

OMG DOPPO FALLS INTO DEBT?!! THAT GOES AGAINST AT LEAST 50 OF HIS IDEALS LORD THIS IS TOO FUNNY TO THINK ABOUT—

Seriously though, imagine the golden age agency members as a whole, (Kunikida, Rampo, Katai, and Yōsano) being fresh, and young adults, but also terrible at handling their funds to the point of losing all of their money every month somehow, and waiting for payday like it's their one lifeline while fighting off loansharks. Fukuzawa decided that it was about time Yōsano, and Rampo handled themselves independently, only to regret it later. Kunikida doesn't know just how his savings just disappear (ehem Rampo ehem), and Katai gets the hang of it sooner rather than later. He was just so used to having Kunikida being the one to manage the money, but once Kunikida started getting busy, he tried to be a little confident, and independent. (Epic fail)

Also justice for the law office, imagine them having to deal with all of the Mafia vs Agency crap to this day. Istg, these people have seen it all

“ blasphemous book ”

Couldn't agree more omfg– ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ

“ perfume of beautiful women! ”

No words. If I start questioning where that came from, I'm afraid it'll spiral into something unpleasant–

Dazai is as high as the statue of liberty, and it's entertaining oml–

Like, yes Dazai, the anemone is definitely eating the banana, want to have some? I could ask it for you.

We're naked? Whatever floats your titanic, dear. Our approval ratings? Well, I suppose the agency is the best of the best. Oh? I suppose it can never be that simple, but I suppose tights can be a little uncomfortable depending on the material. The bank didn't see it coming, nope, the reaction was worth the uncomfort; I did mess up on the hopak steps a little though, but non of us are perfect, don't you agree?

I'm having too much fun–

Just gotta love how Doppo is just going about his day like Dazai doesn't even exist. Like:

“ That? Figment of your imagination, dear reader; I insist that there definitely isn't a high employee here. Moving on– ”

“ Why it's a little old pops! He's whispering to me, he's saying ‘Go to Tokyo; in Tokyo they make food with Miso which tastes different, and you need to try i–... ’”

Far fetched, LIKE SUPER DUPER FAR FETCHED, but could this be foreshadowing Dazai's backstory? Hear me out on this!! He's talk about an old pops, which could be referring to someone he viewed as an important, figure in his life; I think it could be an elderly man that came to Dazai's acquaintance before being found by Mōri. The old pops could've been telling Dazai all sorts of stories, and Dazai obviously memorized them all. One of the stories could be about one of pops' travels to Tokyo, where he tried Miso for the first time, and being so infatuated by it, encouraged Dazai to go try it one day. What makes me dead set on this is how Kunikida interrupted Dazai during his drunken speech, which is Asagiri's most common way of revealing/hinting at things.

I should go to sleep (neh.)

FOUL. DOPPO, THAT WAS FOUL. (But honestly... keep going. He's been so irritating to you, you're rightfully angry)

Shout out to our part timer Doppo!! Having multiple jobs is such burden, I salute you for your survival, Doppo. I bet most of the kids loved you (some didn't, but you can't have them all)

Graceful, huh? I don't see it.

OOO, I didn't see this ever being mentioned!! Like no one talks about it (as far as I've seen)!

I'm nearly certain it was at bar lupin.

ZJSBWJB I CAN'T ADD ANYMORE PICTURES >:{{

I'm making a part two, dw.

[sicknessbysalem]

could you make a list of all of your OC’s and their core attributes/characteristics?

i'll be honest, if i were to make a COMPLETE list of characters, i can promise you, we'll be here forever.

what i can do is make a list of characters i am interested in/motivated to write!

below is a collection of my characters and what subseries (aka storylines and potential books/novellas) they are apart of. most of their universes can overlap, with the exception of Curtain Call and Memento Vivere

a lot of these character descriptions are the summaries of notes i have for each character mentioned. if there are specific things you would like to know, feel free to send it my way!

Endzone, Endgame

Novak Daskalov is a single father. Depending on the timeline, he either is a professional linebacker OR a defensive coach for the football team he played for. I write both eras of his life pretty frequently. Novak was a foster kid before he was adopted by his now-mother, Marina. He has a daughter named Elya and a girlfriend named Evangeline (*for those of you who have been around, novak's original girlfriend was named yuliya and i am currently in the progress of changing up those early fics. by time his book came out 'Endzone, Endgame', which you can find here, i had given him a new girlfriend.)

Evangeline Vyachekova is a former figure skater with a past she left her home country of Ukraine to escape from. She has two general timelines with Novak, recreational skater after stepping back from competition and competitive figure skater. Evangeline is very selfless and often assumes the role of caretaker with Novak and her loved ones.

Until the Heavens Fall

*this series is connected to Endzone, Endgame while also standing on its own.

Vanessa McAllister has two timelines I write for her. Both, of course, are with Willow. In one, Vanessa is a bodyguard who typically works night shift. She works as a bodyguard for actors, actresses, models, or their reckless young adult children. She was a police officer before that, before she even moved to town and later moved in with Willow, but quit after a traumatic event. After a few years of bodyguard work, Vanessa went back to the police force part time and eventually full time because at the end of the day she loves being a police officer and helping those in need.

Willow Atkinson is a nursing student, specializing in emergency medicine with a side gig as a sports physician while she gets her clinical credits. Willow adores her job and wants to help people, though she helps people in different ways than Vanessa.

Milan Kovalev-Wang is a close friend of Willow and another medical student. He specializes in pediatric medicine. Milan was disowned from his family when he was eighteen after opting out of an arranged marriage. While Milan wants to work in pediatric medicine, he also does emergency relief work (natural disasters and the like) and enjoys that.

Ballad of the Wildflowers

Meadow Huston is a musician for fun and a bartender for money. She grew up in a family that was all about the high city life. Meadow, however, has always loved the more laid back small town country life as opposed to the hustle and bustle of the city. When she turned 18, she moved to a small town in the Appalachian mountains where she works at a tavern. The family who owns the tavern have taken Meadow as their own. Meadow plays music at the tavern most nights she works to bring in a little extra money but she enjoys what she can do.

Houston Robinson is everyone's big brother honestly. He's a tattoo artist, a bartender, and a cat dad. Houston loves to work but only in jobs that he doesn't hate. He works full time as a tattoo artist during the day and works at the tavern with Meadow part time (as in, pretty much whenever he wants to). He started out as a ranch hand at the Dixon family's farm (the family that owns the tavern) and much like with Meadow, they've taken him as their own too. Houston's life has been filled with bad experiences, so he came to town to start over and he is perfectly content living the life he does.

Kaleidoscope

Saylor Thompson is an art student. Her past is marked by hardship, shaping her into a fiercely independent and resilient young woman who isn’t afraid to stand up for herself or those she cares about. Beneath her tough exterior lies a depth of emotion and creativity that she channels into her art, using it as both an escape and a means of expression. Saylor is deeply loyal to her close friends, especially Julian, with whom she shares a bond forged in mutual understanding and support. Though she often presents a hardened front, those who get close to her see the vulnerability and fierce determination that drive her.

Julian Avery is a gentle soul with a passion for helping others, especially those in the LGBT community. At 20 years old, he is a psychology student with aspirations of becoming a clinical psychologist, focusing on outreach for LGBT youth. Julian is also a talented graphic and fashion designer, often spending his free time creating intricate digital art and stylish clothing. His soft, wavy blond hair and light blue eyes reflect his kind-hearted nature, making him approachable and easy to confide in. Beyond his academic and creative pursuits, Julian is an accomplished cheerleader, excelling as a flyer in competitive cheer.

Keagan Richards is a figure surrounded by an air of mystery, someone who has managed to weave themselves into the lives of Saylor and Julian, adding complexity to their dynamic. Though details about him are less known, Keagan’s presence is significant, offering a unique perspective or challenge to those around him. Whether through his actions or the emotions he stirs in others, Keagan plays a crucial role in the unfolding stories of the people he’s connected with, shaping their experiences in subtle yet impactful ways. He is a character whose influence is felt deeply, even when not immediately understood.

Mercury Williams was born a month early, so he was held in the neonatal intensive care unit under close surveillance. After his body was ready and capable of surviving with a mother’s care, he was placed into a foster home where he lived for six years. His foster family thought him being diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder was too burdening so they transferred him to another foster home. His new family have actually adopted him and are some of the best people he knows. Mercury has always had an interest in space technology and has almost undying dreams to work for NASA. Mercury is a child prodigy and enrolled in college when he was 15 to give himself extra academic challenges.

Memento Vivere

Amancio Sabilline is a vampire and a supernatural mentor. Amancio is a protector of his former hometown, mentor to new supernaturals, and dedicated researcher. Amancio usually opposes the myth of vampires as mindless killers, promotes peace among supernaturals, and is committed to supernatural research. He values knowledge, control, and the safety of those he protects. He is very good at finding newly turned supernaturals (or those who just realized their power) and training them to hone and use their powers in the best way possible.

Seraphina Rossi is also a vampire and Amancio's wife of convenience. Back in their human days, they both knew they were attracted to the same sex. But, given the circumstances, could never reasonably act on it in public. They married each other as a convenience tactic and have remained 'together' ever since. Unlike Amancio, Seraphina is far less peaceful and fiercely protective of women and other vulnerable people, going as far as using her vampire abilities to help those who may be in unsafe situations. She runs a shelter for victims of unsafe situations, but often sends the supernaturals to Amancio and takes care of regular humans herself.

Hemlock Robinson (unrelated to Houston) is a newly turned half-ghost, half-human. He was the son of world renowned supernatural hunters but has always aimed for peace with non-violent supernaturals. Hemlock ran away after he discovered his abilities and has remained a faithful student to Amancio and Seraphina ever since.

Curtain Call

*this project is connected to Memento Vivere but stands alone as well

Cassius Delacroix is a young (well, he's 20) sorcerer whose brilliance shines in the quiet moments spent buried in ancient tomes and spellbooks. His mind is a treasure trove of magical knowledge, far surpassing his years, but his frail body often struggles to keep up with the sharpness of his intellect. Cassius has lupus and an issue with his thyroid which leaves him fatigued and vulnerable. Cassius is deeply empathetic, with a gentle soul that seeks solace in the academic side of magic, where he can exert control and find comfort in structure.

Calypso Delacroix is a force of nature, her magical prowess matched only by her fierce determination to shield her brother, Cassius, from the hardships of their world. With striking beauty and formidable strength, she’s often objectified in the magical performances she’s forced to partake in, yet her true power lies in her unwavering love and sacrifice. The deal she made with a demon to save Cassius has left her with a painful curse—every spell she casts now harms her, yet she continues to wield her magic, driven by a desperate need to protect him. Beneath her determined exterior, Calypso harbors a deep fear and guilt, knowing that her actions, while born of love, have placed her on a dangerous path.

Emergency Exit

*this is a new project, loosely connected to the universe of Endzone, Endgame and such, but stand entirely alone and is (planned) to be a book coming out early next year (which I'm super excited for!)

Celeste Dupont is a master of orchestrating perfection. As a successful event planner, she’s made a name for herself by turning even the most chaotic of events into seamless spectacles. With a warm smile and an impeccable eye for detail, Celeste is the go-to person for clients who demand the best. However, behind her professional success lies a personal life that’s far less orderly. Celeste is often questioned by her parents as to why she has yet to date or do any typical mid-twenty something activities like going out and having fun.

Arcenciel LeCavalier is no stranger to navigating life’s emergencies, both on and off the job. As an EMT, he’s dedicated to saving lives, channeling the empathy born from his own painful past into every call he answers. Growing up in an bad household and later enduring the cold cruelty of unsupportive host families, Arcenciel has developed a deep well of compassion that he draws upon daily. But while he excels in his professional life, his personal one is a different story. Burdened by his family’s demands to conform to their expectations, Arcenciel finds himself trapped between his true identity and the life they want him to lead.

Adrien Marchand is the man who knows how to find the perfect setting for any occasion. With a background in Art History and a keen understanding of architectural heritage, Adrien has carved out a niche as a highly sought-after venue finder. His ability to secure the most exquisite locations for events has made him an indispensable part of Celeste’s team, and his calm, collected demeanor has earned him the respect of everyone he works with. But beneath his polished exterior lies a man in turmoil. Stuck in a relationship that’s more about fulfilling expectations than finding happiness, Adrien is hesitant to disrupt the life he’s built—even if it means denying his own desires.

IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THIS IS NOT MY ENTIRE LIST OF CHARACTERS AND THIS LIST MAY CHANGE. THIS IS CURRENTLY THE LIST OF CHARACTERS I AM WILLING TO WRITE FOR.

[oxymoron84]

Okay so I've been having this stupidass rant cooking in my head for days and it's getting to the point where I can barely focus anymore so I'm getting this out now.

But before I do so, just a fair warning, I am very biased due to personal experiences and I will most likely say some things some people won't want to hear. Get over it. I am entitled to my own opinion and you really don't have to listen to me believe it or not.

On with the rant.

I've been a cartoonist for about 15 years now. That's almost two whole decades and I'd say that's a very long time. I've been drawing and writing since the age of four. I taught myself how to make cartoons along with pretty rudimentary yet vital skills along with walking, talking, and reading. Though, because I had to teach myself, I admittedly don't perform said rudimentary skills as well as the average person. One thing I can confidently say I can do well, though, is draw. I draw at least every other day if not every single day and consider myself a professional. I'd say I've seen just about everything in my field at this point even though I am still learning and improving constantly. Of course, I've had my fair share of quarrels, some particularly traumatic (which I find the concept of insane) and others minor and just barely inconvenient. One that baffles me still, though, is that, despite all of my experience, some "professionals" refuse to see my fellow cartoonists and I as artists.

Of course, by now, I am well out of my school years but some moments from then still stick with me (a vast majority of such negative.) In middle school, I was constantly berated and harassed by these aforementioned "professionals" for my lack of an ability to draw realistically. A teacher who, honestly, just wanted me to have an outlet to exhaust my creativity so I would stop drawing in her class, had referred me to a talented-and-gifted program for my art, to which I, of course, eagerly accepted. Mind you, I was about 10 years old at the time and in my final years of primary school so I was blissfully unaware of the prejudices my creativity would face in this new world.

I was faced with a test to see if I was worthy of being enrolled in the program that involved reading a story and drawing the scene that the story described. I was immediately discouraged because it was a swamp scene. For context, I was born and raised in the swamp state of Louisiana in the deep southeastern part of the United States. I lived about 15 minutes from the Gulf of Mexico where it was mostly marshland so you can probably guess that I was, for lack of better words, sick and fucking tired of the swamp-obsessed culture. Begrudgingly, I drew out my interpretation of the scene and passed... with a 26/30--- the lowest possible grade you can get. Apparently, they hated my stylized depiction, even though, to myself, it was as bland as could be.

Nonetheless, I was in the program, so now all eyes were on me. My regular art classes a few years later in middle school were about ten times harder than how everyone else had it and I had a particularly shitty art teacher who couldn't even draw, herself. She constantly failed me and belittled me for my "anime art style" which infuriated me because she clearly couldn't tell the difference between anime and general cartoonism. I never got that in adults at the time why they fail to differentiate between the two. Anime had a huge debut in their childhoods and was obviously an entirely different genre of animation. Do they just not care???

Anywho, I was constantly recommended to drop my cartoony style in turn for a realistic one, otherwise I'd get nowhere in life. I look back on those moments in pure hatred.

Truth is, realism doesn't only show a lack of creativity, but a lack of overall imagination. Realistic artists are forever bound to references and reality, thus also limiting their independence as well. Realism is purely the act of taking what you see and translating it onto paper. That takes absolutely no imagination whatsoever and most toddlers can do that. Hell, I believe primates have even done that.

Cartoonism and semi-realism, on the other hand, challenges the artist's brain to warp and translate what they see (if they are even drawing from reality) into something new. We can show you emotion in more than just an expression. We can give you stories in a variety of factors like colors, line weight, sharpness, and so much more. We can depict dimensions that would otherwise not exist without our eyes. People don't understand that cartoonism and semi-realism keeps emotion alive in visual art. They take us for granted and refuse to look at anything that they don't understand immediately. But, isn't the need for deeper interpretation the point of art?

uh TLDR: Realism sucks and isn't creative

[sapphire-weapon]

ahhhh that sounds like so much fun!!! Also you're from Vegas?? COOL! do you like it? Is it too hot all the time or is that just a misconception? Well i mean its a desert right? Idk lol

i'm not from vegas, but i currently live there. in july, i'll have been here for nine years.

i fucking hate this city LMAO

i like the idea of it. i like being in the entertainment capital of the world. like, i bitch about having been in a cult, but at the same time... 2021 was probably the best year of my adult life, specifically because of the man i worked for and the other people around him. and even though it ended in a horribly traumatic way that has destroyed my ability to trust, i'm still so grateful that that happened to me and that i had that experience of working for him. i'm still, to this day, friends with several other ex-cultists and probably will be for life, and i'm grateful for that, too.

but other than that, like... i hate driving in this city. i hate the general attitude of most people in this city. i hate how easy it is for an employer to take advantage of you in this city. i hate that i feel stuck in performance, being paid and treated like shit, because the only other jobs in this city are sales and hospitality. i hate the anti-intellectualism and disinterest in education in this city. i hate being landlocked (i grew up 15 minutes from the ocean). i hate the heat.

i just don't like being here.

it's not hot all the time here. it does get cold in the winters. it's currently 39F outside.

but, in the summer, it gets so hot here that 99F is a relief. when you have a three-week stretch of temperatures hitting 120F every single fucking day, i just

the hatred i feel in my heart for this city on those days cannot be quenched.

but i'm stuck here because i barely make enough money to live, so it's not like i have the money to leave.

just gotta make the best of it.

[thedreadvampy]

I had a conversation on Friday night that's really got me mad about some stuff but I have tried to gently bring this kind of thing up directly and it never goes well but I am gonna vent it here for when I start feeling like I'm going insane/being a bitch.

this is anarchist infighting babes xoxoxo

Why are people who grew up rich Like That?

Now I to some degree include myself in the category of People Who Grew Up Rich. I had some shit in my youth but one struggle I never had was being a child in a financially precarious home. I never worried about going hungry. I never was at any risk of homelessness. Have I been homeless, hungry and otherwise precarious since then? Yes, but I have a baseline of knowing what security feels like, and I have a network of people who do have money to fall back on. And I have the confidence and education and class-specific social knowledge that comes with that so even if I'm poor I'm still middle class socially.

Both based on observation and statistics, I think it's pretty clear that economic precarity in childhood is one of the most potent single things that impact your lifelong wellbeing. Being precarious as an adult is traumatic and miserable and awful but it isn't the same as having precarity as your baseline state.

However there's a certain ahhhhhh subset of Anarchists From Upper Middle Class Backgrounds who might recognise that intellectually but who act. As if being from a wealthy background is irrelevant to their current life. And it's not.

Like ok this is where I get bitchy. But moving in anarchist and activity circles see how there's often people who seem to be counting up traumas and operations they face specifically as a reason why you should listen to them? and they often seem to count "childhood trauma" and "childhood trauma and precarity" as the same single point? like "oh you had a bad childhood I had a bad childhood we've both been there."

but no! no we haven't both been there! they're not the same experience! childhood poverty is its own enormous and far-reaching trauma, and it not only doesn't lessen the impact of traumas that can happen to anyone (eg CSA, DV, parental addiction, loss of a loved one), it lessens the space people have to deal with those traumas, both emotionally and practically.

And that's not to say If You're Middle Class You Have No Problems because obviously you do. like. I didn't deal with financial precarity in my childhood and adolescence but I did deal with a lot of instability, violence and abuse throughout. and that's significant and worth giving space to. but like many of my friends were dealing with similar stuff at a similar age AND with the far-reaching trauma of poverty (and other systemic traumas like racism and xenophobia)

and like it's not productive or helpful imo to start the Who Suffered Most competition interpersonally. trauma-as-currency is a plague.

buuuut. with the types of person I'm thinking about THEY'LL be the ones implicitly or explicitly bringing it up, either in a "you have to be nice to me bc I've experienced XYZ" way or, even more obnoxiously, an "I own and know the most about X bc I experienced XYZ". Like this sense of ownership and this idea that your experience of X is everyone's experience of X seems to me to most often come from usually white but always upper middle class activists, who are maybe poor now but were very financially stable growing up.

It gives you. A certain confidence. Growing up rich or well-off. And that can be really useful - definitely sometimes the people most able to just bulldoze through beaurocracy and Get It Done in confronting authority are these folks bc a gift and a curse of being raised in classes higher up the ladder is a lessened fear of authority, an assumption of your own rights and knowledge, and a certain self-assurance. even if you're also a neurotic mess personally, idk how to describe it but I'm positive you've seen it - an upper class upbringing brings with it a type of confidence that's almost entirely separate from who you are as a person, it's like an aura, it's baked into you like your accent. it's a specific texture of entitlement and self-assurance and it can be REALLY USEFUL but it can also be. really really really damaging.

When you grow up rich, however bad shit is at home or in your life, you are taught to understand certain things as your right - you expect to be worth listening to (at least by anyone not more powerful than you), you expect to know what you're talking about, and you expect your life to be valued by others (if not by everyone or by yourself, but by strangers).

You can shake it consciously, and it can be knocked around and come into conflict with other trauma, but it sticks with you when you're born into power - when you're raised rich (or white, or a man, or not overtly disabled). It follows you through poverty and trauma - it's baked in early on. and that's not in and of itself a bad thing, it's just a Thing - class affects your behaviour and self-image, like most systemic social constructs. And again it doesn't mean your struggles are less real - your trauma is still traumatic, your anxiety and self-esteem are still fucked up - but it does affect power dynamics.

People who are raised rich are more sure of ourselves, and almost always more immediately able to assert ourselves, our ideas and our wants than we would be if we had grown up poor. And we kind of need to be aware of that because otherwise what happens a lot of the time is a domination of space, and a dismissal of other people's knowledge and experiences because they're less assertive about them than us.

and I'm so fucking sick of it because what it super often looks like is a combination of people going "I have to get what I want because praxis because radical self-care because I'm saaaaaad. You can't tell me no or tell me off because I'm struggling" and going "We have to do what I want because I'm right. Because I have the most knowledge and experience of this thing and I know you've experienced it too but you're wrong about what you experienced."

like (and here's where I've got SURE gone bitchy) there's this really common Type of anarchist who's super involved and super activisty and also their trauma is always the biggest trauma. their ideas are always the only ideas. anything they did that hurt others was justified by their mental illness or stress or lack of knowledge and anything others did that hurt them was twice as bad because of the fact they're So Marginalised. they need people to go easy out of their comfort zone to help them because things are So Hard but they can't offer help that's inconvenient to them because things are So Hard. They're in charge of every protest and they decide who's allowed to protest because they're allowed to Protect Their Boundaries. When someone crosses their unspoken boundaries it is unforgivable but when they repeatedly willfully ignore other people's boundaries it's because they weren't clearly stated enough.

and the thing I'm saying is. the thing I have noticed about this specific type of Anarchist Guy. is in my experience they're literally always from a wealthy background. they may be utterly fucked for cash and homeless now, and that's a real experience they have every right to be scared and vulnerable about and speak to, but they have always had a childhood and adolescence where money wasn't a concern.

poverty is always a traumatic and marginalising experience. but you don't forget the assurance and entitlement you learn if you're raised rich. becoming poor isn't the same as being raised poor. the default assumptions of what's possible and your own importance are different.

and a) I think we need to be really mindful and self-aware about the types of confidence and self-assurance that we might have got from childhood and adolescent privilege, even if we don't have it now. and also b) I fucking hate when people are That Guy and I have like 6 That Guys in my social circle right now and it drives me insane bc it's utterly impossible to get through to them about it bc ppl end up in such denial of the ways being financially stable as a child produces privilege over those who don't.

like I am thinking of a friend (private school, Oxbridge, academia, family own their home, clearly bad but financially well off childhood) who explicitly and repeatedly believes themselves to have meaningfully the same background (or maybe Worse Trauma) as people who were financially supporting their families from 14, people who spent their childhoods seriously housing insecure and spreading food out across the month, and people who grew up in social housing with a disabled single parent. IT'S NOT THE SAME.

I know it's not the same, and while we're both posh I'm WAY less posh than this friend, but that matters a LOT less than that I'm way MORE posh than any of the other people I mentioned and that does affect things! I don't have the experience of precarity! My mum was a very frugal and money-conscious parent but we had the money, even if we weren't spending it, in a crisis it was there! We were never going to become homeless as a family. We were never going to starve. If things were unsurvivable as they were - ceiling falls in, black mould, boiler broken - we could fix it! Our experiences of childhood instability, mine and this friend's, are of relational emotional and physical lack of safety - people around us cause us harm or can't be trusted or need looking after. But the other friends have that plus the emotional, physical and existential lack of safety that is poverty. That's not the same! It's not at all the same background!

and sometimes it's like. the flipside to class reductionism is class erasure. They think we're from the same background as the people who grew up poor bc we're white, we're queer, we're neurodivergent, we're trauma survivors, we're afab, we're whatever else. but stuff like poverty, lack of educational opportunity, social exclusion on the basis of class - those things just don't register. They're unknown knowns - they're the stuff that we take for granted, we tend to assume everyone who's like us in terms of race, gender and ability was basically financially stable in childhood, finished school and went to university, is treated as we're treated by police and authorities, etc.

Writ large, what this looks like is politicians claiming that £82k a year is basically poverty and genuinely making policy on the belief that when people say they're poor it means "can't afford to do everything I want" not "can't afford to live"

But writ small, what this means is that often the loudest voices leading communities of people who've Been Through It - the people who get their way - are people who think that their experience as raised-rich is exactly the same as the experience of the raised-poor. At worst we get Common People cosplayers who you never find out actually have a trust fund and an allowance but even before that. like.

Anarchist spaces, both organising and social spaces, are full of people who are legit struggling, who say at the good words and think all the good things, but who are fundamentally so entirely blind to the power that a middle class upbringing (particularly but not exclusively a white middle class upbringing) has given them that they just plough right through other people bc they assume they're on an even keel. The assumptions we make about people's confidence and assertion based on what's normal for us often takes a really familiar shape where one person's needs consistently take precedence over anyone else's.

and like. All of us deserve to have our needs met. Your needs aren't less important because you're middle class, or white, or straight, or cis, or male, or whatever else. The problem is when it's always one person's needs and never the people around them.

when somebody who's used to having a safety net falls down, people who are used to having to buckle down and do the impossible bc nobody else will pick them up, will pick them up. when somebody else falls down, people who are used to having a safety net see that picking them up is impossible and don't because they haven't got the experience of Having To Do The Impossible. when somebody who's comfortable asserting their needs assumes that all needs are vocally asserted, people who are used to subsuming their needs, not talking about them and dealing with them solo do not get their needs met. and when this carries on consistently across multiple relationships and multiple years, we got a problem.

And specifically part of the problem I think in anarchist circles is that born-wealthy anarchists are a lot more likely to be heavily socialising with born-poor friends, whereas if you buy into the class system you are likely to mostly hang out with other people who ARE actually from a similar economic background and so ARE likely to assert themselves in the same way you assert yourself.

This is why it's so important to not leave abolitionist relationships with power structures at rejecting or refusing them. As much as we should abolish class, racial, gender etc hierarchies, we have to engage with the world as it is. We can't just divest ourselves of hierarchies by wanting to - we have to actually engage and keep engaging with the ways that hierarchy continues to exist inside us. However poor I am, I still was raised middle class. However antiracist I am, I am still white. However aware of gender I am, I am still cis. That's going to affect the relationships I have with people who have different experiences.

but too many middle class anarchists imk talk a big game about class solidarity but ultimately consider themselves working class by choice. but you can't choose how you're raised. and ignoring the privilege of financial stability in childhood leaves you with enormous blind spots on how you treat others and how you recreate those power dynamics.

doesn't mean middle class people can't or shouldn't be anarchists. lots of us are. but for the love of fuck we need to make sure we're aware of the huge and lasting impact that different childhood economic experiences have on who we are as adults. even if we're down and out now, socially we remain middle class. and that gives us power beyond how we're seen - it's a power in how we act and how comfortable we are asserting ourselves over others.

and I'm so fucking sick of seeing it tbh. and I'm so sick of how shitty it makes a lot of friend group dynamics where a few culturally middle class people dominate every decision and take precedence in every discussion of need.

[runawaycarouselhorse]

(I’m getting better at copics! Treating them like brushes a bit more than markers helps!) Me before BW!: Haha, I’m so lucky to be a TRio fan (even if most TR fans bash Jessie), I never have to worry about my favourites leaving the show before it ends, they’re staples like Ash and Pikachu! Imagine being a fan of a single saga character… sure, I loved and will miss Harley, Paul, and Dawn, but I can keep watching for TR like I always do! Me during BW!: perhaps as punishment, I get attached to the morally grey rival character who’s only in 17 episodes, with two of my favourite creepy Ghost types that feed off life force/spiritual energy, a royal theme, a superiority complex to mask hidden insecurities (when defeated by Alder, he blames the loss on some mistake he’s made or some deficiency/lacking in himself, rather than a difference in experience…), and whose entire reason for his journey is proving his strength to his beloved childhood hero, who disappoints him by forgetting their promise (for all the fuss Trip makes about being called a kid and how he tries to prove how grown-up he is, he sincerely believed that Alder was defending his title and waiting for Trip to defeat him—it was encouragement he likely gave many trainers, but Trip believed it), who was disappointed by Alder forgetting his name and having flaws like an ordinary person and not the idealized figure in his head…

He was such a sweet and expressive but very shy little kid (even when he stopped rejecting Ash’s friendship, after receiving the answers he wanted from Alder, he was hesitant to take his hand…), now he’s withdrawn, cold, not a genuine smile in sight (usually such a dramatic change in personality indicates trauma hi, Lillie, whose mother failed to question her daughter’s fear of touching Pokemon and was called out by her son—even repressed traumatic memories affect daily life), but he could just be trying his best to fit the image of what an adult is like and his constantly shutting everyone else out has him a bit socially stunted. Still very, very timid.

He also grew cynical just three years later (“a little too grown-up” as Iwane put it), with an ends-justifies-the-means approach to conflict (a morally grey Pokemon character who is NOT a villain, also, a child character at that! He’s very unique that way and full of potential to go take either path, fortunately, Ash showed him it wasn’t naive to try and aim for a peaceful resolution… the path he was on, as Burgh said, would have led to “great losses on both sides.”) And then, most pokeani fans bashed BW! and even most BW! fans bashed Trip & Iris. :D;;; He was easily ignored among the more comedic, colourful, and bright rivals, being both too mean and too lowkey to be popular… and then, staff wrote him out too quickly in the preliminaries and later treated him as an old shame, giving him no voiced return, excluding him from promotional material (either substituting with Kenyan/Stephan or doubling up Kalos rivals instead of including any Unova ones…)

Never caught a break with my favourites outside of super popular Lillie (Koharu later gained a fair following, as did Iris in PM19/JN, and Liko is very promising!!!).

The original, longer, ramblier version of this post (the above is based on the shorter, for instagram version):

Me during BW!: TRio’s schemes are interesting, but they’re rarely given focus as individuals outside of villainy… I LOVE Iris, though, and Wishfulshipping! I can easily watch for the BW! trio and all these rivals!

Hey, wait, the smug rival character I and nearly everyone else initially wrote off as Paul Lite’s actually pretty interesting, he was such a sweet and expressive but very shy little kid, now he’s aloof and cold, not a smile in sight (usually such a dramatic change in personality indicates trauma hi, Lillie, whose mother failed to notice that and was called out by Gladion), cynical and pragmatic, he used violent force against Pokemon to save people (yet he’s NOT a villain, a morally grey rival character, and he’s such a versatile character, especially as he’s still a young rookie trainer, coming into his own!! He can go either way!!! I mostly loved villains, so this is really unique, even more so for Pokemon)… so much potential!

He’s still learning! Aside from his idol Alder and his studies before his journey, he even mimics Ash’s battling style once, he also learns strength in battles and violent force isn’t everything after the Venipede episode, he’s a photographer and takes pictures to record even bad memories to try and use negative feelings to push him forward…

It’s cute how he tries SO hard to convince people’s he’s an adult and hates being called a kid… Iris uses it to rope him into battling Ash twice and he still falls for it!! It’s so funny. But his idea of what being an adult is is very cruel and he thinks peaceful resolutions to conflict is naivete (between that and looking down on Ash’s rural background, I wonder how he was raised, will we find out? Spoilers: we won’t)

… oh, all that arrogance is a front, he thinks a loss has to be due to something inherently lacking in him or something he’s done wrong rather than a difference in skill… it’s a superiority complex! He acts like he’s better than everyone because he actually has low self-esteem! Even though he’s a child prodigy… he must’ve been under a lot of pressure.

Oh, his entire reason for fighting is to prove his strength to Alder. Alder is his goal. Even when he was disappointed by seeing Alder’s flaws and the change in his priorities and the fact that Alder can never remember his name or that cherished childhood promise (which Trip was too naive, ironically, to realize was something Alder likely tells lots of kids, he thought he was special and Alder was waiting for him to defeat him!), he still wants only to battle him, be acknowledged by him, and loves and admires him! (I once again think he must not have a very good relationship with his family, if he’s doing all of this because he wants Alder’s acknowledgment more than anyone else’s…)

He’s so much nicer after Alder reassured him and guided him to focus on returning his Pokemon’s loyalty and trust.

He isn’t abusive to them like Paul was with Chimchar, and they all love and are protective of him, despite how aloof he was… he’s starting to be friendlier. He isn’t insulting Ash anymore or rejecting his friendship and he’s even interacting with Serperior more!

Moreover, he’s a cocky little upperclass brat with a royal/noble theme, from his design (pageboy haircut, princely!) to his team (after Serperior, the Regal Pokemon), he also has two of the creepiest Ghost types (I LOVE Ghost types!!!) that feed off of life force / spiritual energy (typically human), how creepy and cool, what a unique character—

Oh. He’s only in like 17 episodes. Most fans hate Best Wishes! and never watched it, or never got to season 2 to see his battle against Alder or his motivations and hidden insecurity… he’s quickly written out, losing in the first round of the league… he’s overshadowed by all of the other more colourful, comedic, and loud rivals… even staff are treating him as an old shame at this point and replace him with either friendly rival Stephan from the same series as Ash’s main Unova rival or just double up on Kalos rivals and put Sawyer and Alain instead of including any Unova rivals…

(Oh, and most BW! fans bash[ed] Trip. And Iris. Just my luck! Lillie’s my only popular favourite, sob.)

[stranger-rants]

I actually don’t think about what my high school bullies are doing right now. I’m not obsessed with knowing whether or not their lives are falling apart. It brings me little joy to know that someone who once called me a slur or what have you is now facing some great misfortune in life. I know that being bullied in high school can be deeply traumatizing, but at the same time I had bigger demons and I assume that any person who bullied me did too. I know I took that out on people just as much, and I know plenty of people who claimed to be victims throughout high school would say some of the most cruel things anyway. It was just quiet or behind people’s backs so they could pretend to be good people in public. I don’t know a single person who was perfect and kind 100% of the time in high school.

I know the media spoon feeds “revenge against the bullies” stories to young people who are maybe in the thick of it, which is why young fans will also have the most dehumanizing takes about imperfect teenagers. However, as an adult, I simply do not fucking care anymore and I think other adults need to stop using their high school experiences as an excuse to give the same takes. All I care about is undoing the effects of trauma and if that means someone who once did something shitty to me makes better decisions and puts more good out into the world now then so be it. That’s a good enough apology for me. Why the fuck would I want them in prison or addicted to drugs or abused or homeless as if that’s a fair punishment for being an insensitive teenager who didn’t know how to handle their emotions?

[sysmedsaresexist]

I agree with most of your take on religion but as a reconnecting native- I am not less able to have experience and practice with the godess of my people just because I was from a line of people forced away from it for a few generations due to horrific circumstances.

Being born or raised in it will give you a different experience and more knowledge. But a child will not have the understanding of an adult who has practiced it for 20 years even if they reconnected still as an adult. (To be clear I am not that old this is an example). Whether or not you're born or raised in the culture- it can still be achieved. The baseline may be different but sometimes people raised in a practice are less aware than those who go into it later in life as well (not my case either but there are cases like this because sometimes those raised in something aren't active participants in it)

Syscourse is dumb because the full context and nuance of a topic is usually lost to single post snapshots

When I talk about "cultural experiences" in immigrants or religious converts, I'm talking about structures of the brain and neural pathing that develop in childhood.

When I bring up these topics, I'm not downplaying people genuinely converting or reconnecting with their roots and history.

I'm talking about a very specific context (meditation to induce dissociation as compared to possessive trances), that without explanation can come across in ways I didn't mean. I do genuinely apologize and thank you for giving me the opportunity to clarify and expand. You may still not agree and not like this post and that's okay and totally fair. Hopefully you at least see where I'm trying to come from?

In this context, we all know trauma in childhood affects the structure of the brain. These structures carry into adulthood and once growth is (generally) completed, no further changes will occur. This is why adults can't develop DID.

The same is true of dissociation in general.

The mechanisms of dissociation are ingrained and developed during childhood based on cultural upbringing, and the capacity to, and the incidence of, dissociation differs across cultures.

That article is a... WALL and covers a lot of topics, so I want pull in a second article as well. It's about memory, which also plays a significant part in DID, and it specifically and clearly discusses differences between groups and their cultural history. It shows that even after five years in another country, the brain still acted in ways specific to their cultural upbringing, and this is in an area unrelated to syscourse itself or training in meditative practices, which we'll come to in a quick second.

This is not to say that the brain can't be trained to work differently, but it's impossible to change the actual structure and pathways of it to the same extent as someone raised in that culture, and doing so takes a very long time (longer than most people have known they were systems).

If we can agree that the brain structure of those with childhood trauma can't be replicated in adults, despite experiencing traumatization (see this article about BPD as a similar diagnosis to DID/OSDD based on trauma at a later age, "The age of onset may be earlier and abuse may be more severe and chronic in DD compared to BPD..."), then I think we can agree that dissociative capabilities can only be altered so much in adulthood.

Which is where we are now, with a certain someone claiming that randomly deciding to start meditating and dissociating one day in their thirties is the equivalent of, oh, I don't know, Buddhist practitioners raised in a monastery in Tibet. Or any of the religions discussed in this post that experience possessive trances.

As important as it is for people to connect with spirituality and religion, it's equally important to acknowledge the cross cultural perspective and respect the dedication and training of practitioners who have spent their entire lives living and breathing religious and spiritual trances, and their ability to slip into that kind of deep, dissociative trance.

Oh, and also, we need to stop playing it up as totally safe for everyone and acknowledge the potential danger or harm in suddenly adopting those types of dissociative practices.

Indeed, a lot of research has highlighted the benefits of meditation, but very little has highlighted the harm that can come from it. With such enthusiasm for mindfulness, researchers often do not report harm from the practice, simply because they are not looking for it. That is starting to change with The Varieties of Contemplative Experience project at Brown. This project documents distressing and challenging experiences reported by Western Buddhist meditators; on the most extreme end, these can be destabilizing, inducing, for example, psychosis or depersonalization disorder, which can in some cases last for years.