#was genuinely this wrecked like honestly this means more to me than having him breakdown cause this fits perfectly w eddie's character and

[p4nishers]

no cause it genuinely JUST hit me how eddie literally looked like THIS when buck got hurt.

[mugenloopdalove]

Honestly, the majority of s/is on here are pretty basic (my own included). Nobody's trying to win the Booker prize here, we're just having fun. You could have the best written s/i in the world and they still wouldn't get much attention because you're so pushy for interaction. You're scaring the hoes (casual anons) by suicide baiting and acting like your mental health hinges on getting the right kind of ask at the right time. We're all just here to have fun...

I think constantly making fun posts about your s/i and letting your followers get to know them organically is the key to making people love them. There's no magic bullet to force it. I still don’t know anything about Theil's bond with Astarion aside from "lets him drink their blood in a horny way".

I mean. My sui stuff yesterday was a genuine HUGE breakdown bc like. I had a lot happen at once the past week or so and then one thing kind of broke the camels back. Still wasn't good but I was genuinely so low I wanted to just be gone

And I feel like others get way more than me sometimes but talking w some others I realized it's. Confirmation bias and it's harder to see someone NOT getting something than it is to see someone getting it.

Oh gosh theil's Astarion thing is. Like.

The reason they literally let him KILL THEM the first time he fed in them was bc it was the first real physical content they had in ages it was hardly even that horny (not that it wasn't a lil. They're a big ol slut.) it was just. Holy fuck there is someone else touching me for once. Everything feels distant and fuzzy but I don't care if he's not touching me I think I'll die anyway.

Then just. The way she talked to them. The attention. The praise. The not only not getting mad if they did something a bit morally fucked but ENCOURAGING it. Everything about it was PERFECT to them. So of course they jump at the first chance for sex and eat up when they get closer.

And then seeing Astarion vulnerable and realizing that. I can protect them. At that point they were already pretty much in love. Which is why the whole "Isn't it nice not to know" thing drives them up the FUCKING WALL and eventually leads to a lot of tension between them because NO. ITS NOT NICE. I WANT TO KNOW. ARE YOU SERIOUS OR NOT.

It's also what leads to them sleeping w Mizora like it's absolutely not the not having sex for so long thing it's wanting to feel something more for once and maybe she'll show me that. She didn't and it leads to more rockiness.

From like. Late act 2 to act 3 the two kind of. Bicker a lot. A LOT. The stress is breaking both of them and lack of actual communication of their feelings is making the whole situation a mess. But. After Cazador they both kind of realize. We have to work a lot of things out. They def talk a LOT after the graveyard sex about just... How they both feel about a lot of things (and Astarion offered to throw Theil's parents caskets into the river-they absolutely do this later). They still have a lot of tense moments and still argue more than they should because they're both just. Still kind of wrecks that let tadpoles eat a good chunk of their brains. But it's still like... Overall happy and loving even if they sometimes bring out the worst in each other

[otakusheep15]

Hi sorry to bother you if your inbox is full feel free to ignore this! But I had a request, (it’s a little bit Angsty so sorry for that) Mc lost there mother a few month before they were taken to the house of lamentations. While they are there it marks a year there mothers passing (Mc was very close to there mom) and after looking through one of Satans books they think that they found a spell that will let them see there mom again not bring her (the mom) back indefinitely but for just a little while. The brothers grow suspicious of Mc seeing as they didn’t really interact with any of them, so they go into Mcs room and see them at there setup, Lucifer seeing it and thinking that there trying to open a portal to the human realm and leave before the year is up, he destroys it. Total breakdown from Mc, screaming and asking why he’d do that only to be told that “leaving before the year is over would disgrace diavlo (I have no idea how to spell his name I’m so sorry) name” only for Mc to get in his face “I wasn’t trying to leave! All I wanted was to see my mom!” After they calmed down they explained that there mom passed away before they got to say goodbye and all they wanted to do was see there mom. (Sorry if this is to much, I lost my mom recently and just want some comfort, have a good rest of your morning/afternoon/night)

I'm sorry about your mom. I have a few friends who also have dead parents, so I can kinda understand the feeling from what they've told me. I hope this post helps a bit if nothing else :)

MC Wanting to See Their Dead Mom

Lucifer

It makes sense he'd jump to this conclusion so quick

He would be one of the most untrusting of the brothers, especially if he didn't get along with you well

Honestly just goes full out: full demon form, rage to match Satan, and just absolutely wrecking your setup

Even when you start breaking down, he refuses to waver

It's only when you mention wanting to see your mom is when he starts to cool down

All of the brothers know what it's like to lose someone you care about, so he tries his best to be nicer

Listens while you rant and doesn't interrupt

He may not be that close to you, but he does try to show you a bit more respect for the rest of the year

Also occasionally sends you vaguely threatening messages to ensure you're taking care of yourself

Mammon

Actually tried to stop Lucifer from ruining your setup

Sure, he may not like you that much, but he doesn't want any fighting since he knows how it feels more than anyone to be on the receiving end

One of the most sympathetic towards you and your feelings

Feels genuinely bad when you start having a breakdown, and tries so hard to get Lucifer to back off

His guilt gets even worse when you bring up your mom

Now he feels like absolute shit for the way he treated you this year

If he would have known, he would have been a lot nicer towards you

Wants to hug you so badly, but doesn't just in case he makes it awkward

After the incident, he's constantly checking up on you and offering to hang out in case you might feel lonely

Leviathan

Could honestly care less about the drama going on

He has games to play, keep him out of this please

Supports Lucifer in destroying your setup since that means this'll be over with quicker

Gets super annoyed when you start having a breakdown

Yeah, he can relate to the breakdown over something you worked super hard on, but he doesn't care about you sooo...

Then you bring up your dead mom

He's reminded of this one protagonist of this anime he recently watched

The anime was subpar at best, but he loved the protag

And suddenly, his whole view of you changes

Completely sympathizes with your cause and even offers to help you recreate the setup you had

Spends more time with you now and invites you into his room

At first it was only for the character, but then he started to actually like you as a person

Satan

Very conflicted about the current situation

On the one hand, it was very much a hassle and you were distracting him from his studying

On the other hand, it annoyed Lucifer, and that was funny

So he could care less one way or the other what happened to you

He did find the situation to be somewhat interesting though

One of the least sympathetic to your cause 

Even after you start breaking down, he still has a hard time siding with you 

Unlike the others, he’s never experienced the loss of a close family member, so it’s hard for him to relate

Still feels bad when he learns why you were casting the spell

Offers to help you find a better, and safer means of summoning your mother cause even he has a heart 

Asmodeus

Didn’t actually come in until after the yelling started 

Before that, he could care less what you were up to and what the consequences were

Came in during the yelling cause he thought it would make for good Devilgram drama 

Lucifer made him delete the videos, so that was a waste of time

Does feel pretty bad for you though 

He gets it, you just wanted to see your mom 

Bugs Satan to help you out since he’s smart and all

That’s why Satan offers to help you seemingly out of nowhere 

Occasionally checks up on you when he sees you’re feeling down or you look off 

Beelzebub

Followed behind Lucifer to protect you if anything got physical 

Was very happy that it didn’t escalate much past yelling on Luci’s end

But then you started yelling, and he got nervous for your safety 

About to step in between you and Lucifer, but then you started talking about your mom and how much you missed her

Instantly reminded of Lilith 

Feels so bad for you, and is the first to comfort you once the confrontation is over

He can’t really help much with the summoning spells, but he’s willing to give you all the support you need

Belphegor 

You interrupted his sleeping, so he came to yell at you 

Upset to see that Lucifer beat him to it

Kinda just chills back and watches the chaos that ensues

He finds it pretty funny how riled up Luci is 

Thinks you had it coming though, so he keeps quiet for now

Like Beel, he’s reminded of his sister once you bring up wanting to see your mom 

Unlike his twin, however, he won’t do anything to comfort/support you in your mission

Might join in if Beel drags him along, but he’ll never go of his own free will 

Not because of you, but because he doesn’t want to get any ideas about bringing Lilith back 

Who knows what Lucifer might do then 

Alright, hope this was good. And, again, I’m sorry about your mom. If you need to vent or anything, feel free :)

[nick-close]

Time for another nick-close rant but I am going to try and discuss why Glenn is my favourite dad because I want to. There’s no objectivity here, it’s the subjective stuff that makes me like him so much. I’m trying to solve this puzzle as I write so... incoherent ramblings.

There absolutely is that base level of ‘haha stupid charasmatic bard’ that I just always inherently love in any character- I mean I’m predictable. I love any character that’s full of themselves and has a stupid high charisma stat, that’s most of what I play. But if it was just that I probably wouldn’t have this much of my mental health depending on him huH-

The first time I really like. Fell in love with Glenn as a character rather than him just being my favourite silly dad was the prison stuff tbh- the energy shift in that. That’s honestly one of my favourite things in how Freddie played Glenn too, because at first you kind of don’t notice how drastic of an energy shift Glenn has gone through until you relisten to some of the episodes before hand. Glenn is so much more,,, feral? Like genuinely- but also not in some unrealistic ‘he is a wild animal’ type shit. It’s the type of thing where you’d almost see him as the same until a certain moment happens and somethings just... off. And you’re like. Oh shit.

For the first half of the podcast Glenn, although being the most complex character in my opinion, is consistent with keeping up his bright eyed bard persona. You can tell he loves his son, but there’s a sense of that wanting to impress him that ultimately wrecks a lot of their relationship. You can TELL Glenn HAS feelings, complicated ones- and he feels grounded in them. This is also one of the reasons I think Glenn is often disliked more than Ron despite them having some fairly similar traits in my opinion.

Although Freddie plays shit kinda goofy- Glenn is still very much grounded in reality. Glenn’s character is NOT a joke- whereas Ron very much is? ‘Who’s your daddy now’ is obviously an awful thing to say to a child- but Ron feels like a joke character so we don’t read that as anything harmful. This isn’t a BAD thing of course, I’m just making the comparison. Like, Glenn getting that upset over his kid liking minions- that was meant more as an overreaction for the sake of humour in my eyes at least- but since Glenn’s character IS so real, when those moments of ‘this is bad parenting played as a joke’ happen, I think that’s where people tend to lose him as a character. Which is completely fair, I’m not here to talk about peoples taste in character.

Oops, I rambled off topic. My main point here is that’s one of the reasons I really love Glenn, despite the occasional moment of. Eugg..... is just, his stupid ideas and eccentricities are things that you can very clearly connect to him,, being a person. They’re almost never too extreme to be real to me. When it comes to the post prison Glenn then, that person he was with deep thoughts and emotions he’s been really good burying down, is gone to an extent.

I mean you see he’s sTILL burying shit but it’s also met with him wanting to get that shit out! So then you get moments of him just. Saying shit that makes you pause and go. Shit, he’s not ok is he? He’s turned that chill, calm but charasmatic wild energy into,,, constantly on the verge of a breakdown? Or just, trying to be who he used to be but without that calm side to it.

Pre-prison Glenn feels like he’s a lake with some stuff stuck deeply in the sand underneath. It remains there, and really only appears if you’re digging for it. But post prison he starts to feel more unpredictable. More like an ocean that every so often carries a piece of something to the surface in a crashing wave. You can tell he WANTS to talk about stuff- but he also very much doesn’t want the confrontation that comes with that.

For the second half of the podcast, Glenn really is a story of a man with nothing to lose. Shit just keeps getting taken from him over and over again as he struggles to adapt to this insane set of circumstances. You can see him grasping at straws to find that stability he had before- the stability of denial and repression that he can’t keep up when everything just keeps coming down at him. Glenn was able to keep himself standing by just.. pretending the bad stuff didn’t happen. By focusing on his kid and getting him back. But what the fuck does he have to focus on when after years in prison, his distraction is gone? He can’t focus on Nick anymore. Nick isnt there. He can’t look anywhere but at himself. So hes constantly being forced to face the bad shit in his life because that’s all there is to see. Glenn was backed into a corner with mirrors on every wall.

Does this explain why I like Glenn? Actually I don’t think so this was kind of a mess- but,

Maybe the reason I love Glenn so much is because I CAN make posts like these, just thinking about his character and how much there is to him. Or maybe I just think he’s funny!! Who knows!!

[aks3raao1]

Me, to Luja: So tell me about yourself

Luja: No

Me: ...ma'am I need to write the story—

Luja: Good luck <3

[now that I do think of it, ALTERNATIVE's main duo that's established right at the beginning is literally a chiller but edgier Katsuki and way worse sUrViVe Nagito genderbends]

~~~~~~

Luja Sen, she/her

Anyways, Luja and Romila are friends from middle school (the story starts with the beginning of their high school at AoS (Academy of the Specialised) which was essentially founded by Nyx). Luja gains her Specialisation (Ferrokinesis: The Ability to bend metal) at the age of twelve, so she has it for a lesser time period than Romila.

Luja primarily wants to become a scientist. Her family is happy with that, because it's praised and everything, especially in our society.

She has a gifted child superiority complex. Being a gifted child + Specialised means that she hardly had many friends in school. Her family had tried to get her to socialize....which didn't go down too well.

She believes that most people are annoying because they waste too much time on useless things like gossiping and what not, which she never showed much interest in and doesn't like to be dragged into those nonsense.

She is friends with Romila since they do share the same taste in stuff and were the only Specialised ones in their class. And they kinda stuck together for most of middle school and went into high school.

She has a problem when it comes to seeing Romila since she tends to see her bad parts and is like, "It's a phase" considering that it's not necessarily affecting her. Romila doesn't get too cranky with her since she fascinates her, with her passion™ for science. Also because she isn't all self sacrifice UwU.

Luja cares for her own self above others (but tends to put Romila pretty close to that hierarchy, which is why she's one of the only two Romila trusts during the Mansion of Death (the other person is Kratanos)) however she also does want to keep what friends she has and is generally caring towards them.

She has a genuine love for science and loves to discover how things work and why, and her favourite facet is Physics. She does want to invent things and honestly just make stuff easier for the Specialised who face a LOT of issues, especially when it comes to amenities since the government is an ass about accomodations and they gained the Fundamental Rights like ten years or so ago in the ALTERNATIVE timeline. And they gain an additional right ("The body won't be harmed for science") when they graduate from school, after signing a contract that they dedicate themselves to helping the government when called upon. (The whole contract is stupid and basically oppresses them more especially the punishment for not abiding by it).

With her goal of becoming a scientist, she wants to use her talents to make accomodations specifically for them so that she could have done something.

The things she fears the most is failure. Failing as in being unable to accomplish her goals. She is afraid of it because it's an unknown variable that's constantly haunted her and she's working hard for it to never reach her.

I suppose there's a way for her to confront that fear during the Mid terms at AoS where she essentially "loses" in the practicals due to her......teamwork issues.

Everyone thinks of her as stuck up and isn't interested to listen to her much and since she views the others as annoying people with annoying habits, she tends to fail to regulate them, causing Romila to win instead (yes, it's THAT unfortunate of a situation) in their match, which causes her to review a LOT of things and she tries to see what caused her to lose after having a severe breakdown.

She develops an inferiority complex in respect to Romila and then spends a long time wondering where she went wrong.

Rena (who somehow clung to her) tries to cheer her up but gets turned back halfway, but she still stays on and Luja is like, "Wtf" until she sees Romila going entirely off the deep end (she presents an interesting contrast to how Koldin sees Romila as well, she sees Romila's behavior and considers it as a justification for her own self....she uses Romila to justify herself a lot (since if you asked Romila, Luja was more or less fine according to her since she wasn't being a doormat and stood up for herself) while Koldin sees Romila as the reason he should cling onto his own stuff) and realises that she could be on the path to destruction herself and accepts Rena's help and tries to be more open to others which leads to the Mid terms parallels in the Archenemy of Society arc where she "succeeds" instead and manages to get the class together enough to escape the situation.

However it doesn't mean that her fear of failure has entirely vanished into the blue, she just reviews the ways she can fail better now and works around it to avoid it and has more confidence in her own self. But she is still scared of failing and would love to avoid that more than anything. However she's chiller after that.

Her intelligence is more or less on par with both Romila and Kratanos, making them the three main strategists in the final battle against the bigots (which is basically a rerun of the Mansion of Death situation but way way worse and fucked up and has different leads to it).

....

The thing is that, no matter what I do, she winds up feeling like one dimensional/repetitive, which is something I am trying to amend about all the characters (I mean, I had to revamp a lot of characters so it will probably take me a long long time to actually get to writing.........sigh besides she stands up like a cardboard amongst people (I mean, you have Romila and Kratanos with extremely complicated storylines and then you have her. Just there))

So the main question is how to make her more interesting as a character and on par with the rest while still keeping her character flaws and personality?

I think the easiest way to go abt this is to view her as a sassy Bakugo. They have the main points in common. They're salty, don't like to socialise, feel inferior to a certain someone while still having some semblance of confidence and a terrible fear of failure

Now as much as I hate to compare your character to another one, it makes it a lot easier to have them become - as my English teacher would say - more. So I am sorry if this comes off as offensive-

For Bakugo, he became interesting by playing a big part in the mc's main story and we do get a few scenes where his vulnerability is shown. I assume it's the same with your character but...what rlly ties the knot for me when it comes to Katsuki is the fact that his problems...are more than just an inferiority/superiority complex. His whole thing stems from background especially (*cough* abusive mom *cough*) and the fact that he's not the main character (or rather that the story isn't being told in his perspective).

These facts make us over think and want more of him. The mystery draws us in which is why I think Luja's character is so perfect for someone in the background. She doesn't like to reveal things abt herself and is pretty dismissive to most things on top of that (plainly just salty). Her character rlly draws you in and the best way to portray those kinds of characters is through another character. Ofc, you'd have to get to their POV eventually but it's important to note that most of the details should come from someone else's POV (an observer, if you will) instead of info dumping and starting straight with hers. A character that's mysterious with a very simple yet relatable story attracts a LOT more attention and interest when seen from someone else's perspective than when you kickstart it from theirs.

Ofc, if u are planning (or already have) started the story from her POV, that would be a bit problematic in terms of interest. But not a train wreck. This is where my other point comes in. The point of making a character have more than one problem

Different ppl as well as characters have a main problem but also different ones, no matter what way you look at it. It seems that even you are confused with all ur character's ins and outs (dw, we've all been there... I am still there tbh) and a solution to that is backtracking a bit and looking at their life from the very beginning in HEAVY detail (like more than u already did). Think abt what other trauma could have been caused, what doubts and fears could have slowly crept it's way to her heart and head (I am a sucker for long-lasting doubts that develop over time) and anything you can even so much as GRASP on. If you look at it and see it as a possibility, try to fit that into her character and add it subtly in different places (as subtext or a creative pattern, wordplay, doesn't rlly matter as long as it's not openly stated bc, remember, the key thing to these types of characters is mystery).

For example, a fear of failure can stem into anxiety before the character has even lost smth later in their life. They probably get rlly anxious when evaluating smth but don't show it much or at all so no one notices. This adds even MORE to the character bc you can build it up after other events. Like once they have failed, they could probably get even more anxious and then develop a bad relationship with the person who beat them (double the points if it was a friend). You could build all that up and turn it super toxic instead of jumping right to the healing. It makes it more interesting, doesn't it? Plus, reevaluating almost everything including world views after 1 loss is...kind of hard to believe even with anxiety (no offense)

Adding a lot of little problems and thinking abt how Luja's behaviour can impact other characters helps a terrible lot if ur doing most of the story from her POV. Especially since she's probably the most relatable character (from what I've heard anyway). I have a certain saying... it goes like, "It's better to have a relatable and connecting character than one with a problem that is too big for normal people to fathom."

I like characters with heart-wrenching problems that I would never be able to relate to (take maybe Shigaraki as an example ig?) But my favourite are the ones that make me feel as tho I made a real connection

Also, I would like to say...if ur looking to progress her character even further, I would debate on whether it's the complete end to the novel or if there'll be a second part. If it's a second part, keep some of Luja's issues. Make her get better but not completely "YAY, I AM DONE BEING TORMENTED". If it's the end of the novel/series/etc., make it so that she's resolved most of most of her issues. They don't have to be completely gone but they have to be a lot better compared to how they started. And how i would work that out is a mind map but knowing ur a scatterbrain...lets talk it out where everything is all over the place

Luja's main thing is to gain confidence in herself and be finally ok with losing, right? If you ask me, that's a tough one but not impossible. I think to get her from point A to point B is to put up a bunch of events like:

Get her super anxious when doing smth

Lose to *insert person*

Have a breakdown and over think on what she could have done better (on the project or whatever she lost at)

Get even more anxious and totally mess up the next thing

Lose once again (double points if it's the same person as last time)

Overthinking abt how she's not good enough

F i g h t i n g f r i e n d s c o z d r a m a

"YoU'rE nEvEr GoNnA gEt BeTtEr If YoU kEeP tHiNkInG aBoUt YoUrSeLf"

Over think abt no. 8 bc out of options and ideas and ✨a n x i e t y✨

Try listening to others more and become b e t t e r

Win smth (bc creator forbid 3 losses in a row to start depression)

Lose again (there is gonna be a bit of back and forth but is necessary for development)

"I tHoUgHt I wAs FiNaLlY dOiNg SoMeThInG rIgHt AnD nOw LoOk"

"Losing is not th3 3nd of th3 fucking world, you lunatic"

"WELL, IT IS TO ME, BITCH"

*insert psychology somehow idk*

Another loss

"I'm angry...but I'm ok"

Note that idk where bullying would come in and these are only how I would think it to go-

A character like this isn't rlly my strong suit when it comes to them resolving their problems but they are fun to write and think abt-

................................did I just give you advice on how to traumatize? I-

[alexandrablake]

love, jj

Prompts: 88. “I never meant to fall in love with you, I just did” from this prompt list! Pairing: Jemily, technically Word Count: 2,456 Warnings: Mentions of death. A/n: Red (@hurricanejjareau) picked this prompt. thank you, ily. that is all.

                April 29, 2011 Emily,

        Hey. It’s me. I’m sure you can tell by my handwriting. I’ve had you look over enough of my reports that I’d honestly be kind of disappointed if you didn’t. And before you say anything, yes, I know we play Scrabble, but that doesn’t count. I need to talk to you. God, Emily, I just need to talk to you. To see that you are alive, that you are well, and, honestly, to see that you are real. 

        These past few weeks without you have been awful. Everything is different. I’m spending more and more time around the office. The way we all skirt around your name like you never even existed is just painful. For a while there, I almost started to believe you weren’t real. And that’s a big fear of mine- to wake up one morning not worrying about you, because I know that’s all you have right now. You have Hotch and I thinking about you, and that’s it.

        Depressing. And nothing I need to tell you, but it’s not like you’ll read these anyways. It’s nearing two months since you “died.” I don’t think Rossi has processed it yet. Penelope is a shell of her former self coping. Even Ashley seems distraught. Spence has dealt with far too much trauma, and yet, I’ve never seen him like this. He’s been at my house everyday this week, crying and then sleeping on the couch. It’s heart wrenching, and it takes everything in me to not tell him you’re okay. That you’re alive. But I can’t, not with Doyle still out there, always being a danger to you.

        But, my God, is Morgan the worst to be around right now. Second to only Penelope Garcia, you were Derek’s favorite person in the team. No point hiding it, you’re all profilers and I spend way too much time around you guys.. He’s gutted. Honestly, I think he’s the one person here who has really “accepted” that you’re gone. Even Hotch is off. But not Morgan. And that’s the horrifying part. He’s the exact same person that he was before you left, but now his smiles are a little too wide and his gestures are a little too exaggerated. It’s terrifying to be around. 

        I guess that leaves me. I’m doing okay. Miss you everyday, but I feel bad every time I do because I know the truth. I know where you are (kind of) and I know that you are alive. They buried you. They know where you are, too, but for them, that’s six feet under.

        Love, JJ

        March 1st, 2011 Emily, 

        Me again. Today was better, I think. I know we like to say that the serial killers never take a vacation, but they seem to be on one right now. It’s just a bunch of consulting on relatively low level cases. Thank God, because I don’t think any of them could handle a case right now. Reid didn’t sleep at my house last night, which is improvement, I think. He definitely didn’t sleep, but I’ll take what I can get. Derek is almost worse.

        It’s lonely here without you. Penelope isn’t herself, and I find her sitting at your desk all the time. She’s stopped staring at your photo constantly and now avoids the hallway with all the memorials so she doesn’t have to walk by you. She’s in her office even more than she normally would be. There’s boxes of cupcakes being brought in all the time. She’s an absolute and utter wreck. 

        You remember that feeling we all felt when Haley was killed? When we all stood around her casket and watched with teary eyes as Hotch and Jack said their final goodbyes? The feeling that nothing would be okay again? Yeah. That’s about what’s happening now, but now it’s not just Hotch feeling like his life is over. It’s all of us.

        And God, you must be so lonely. 

        Love, JJ

        April 10th, 2011 Emily,

        Today was an all-time low. Everywhere I looked, there you were. Oh, there you were grabbing coffee after an all-nighter spent at my house. Oh, there you are, legs dangling over the side of the chair you’re lounging in because you don’t know how to sit properly. Oh, there you are, smiling at Hotch as you talk animatedly in his office about God knows what. Oh, there you are, downing shots with Rossi.

        Your ghost was everywhere over this office, over my life. You were this office, you were everything. I can’t go anywhere to escape you. How can you have a ghost when you aren’t even dead?

        April 11th, 2011 Emily, 

        Another crying Spencer night. They’re off on their second case, a spree killing in Tampa. I don’t know. At this point, I’m kind of lost. I’m spending far too much time at that office even though I don’t work there because it’s one of my last connections to you. I just… miss you, I guess. No, I know I miss you. 

        I just can’t stop feeling guilty. I’m causing all this pain in the team and in all your loved ones. I was the one who told Hotch you survived, I was the one who suggested you “die.” This is all my fault. 

        Hotch told me he was doing assessments of the team. That shouldn’t be happening. You should be there. I’m not going to ask for the results, and I don’t think I would be allowed to if I asked. I just don’t want to face the reality of what I’ve done.

        Love, JJ

        May 15th, 2011 Emily, 

        Hey, it’s been a while. Not much has changed. I haven’t been to the BAU since my last letter. I can’t face them anymore. I can’t sit within those walls that seep of you. I can’t face you.

        God damnit, Prentiss! Why did you go after Doyle? You knew we could have helped! This could have all been avoided if you would have trusted us!

        May 15th, 2011 Emily, 

        I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. I just miss you. A lot.

        May 22nd, 2011 Emily, 

        With you being gone, I’m starting to realize how much I depended on you. You were my person. If I had a problem, I came to you. If I wanted to get drunk, I came to you. If I wanted to get a break from the overwhelmingness of the testerone of our workplaces, I came to you. If I just wanted to escape, I came to you. 

        I’m still avoiding the BAU as best as I can. Even Hotch and I haven’t been talking. Spence is still coming to my house, though. Still crying. He misses you so much, Prentiss. We all do. 

        When Elle left, I didn’t think any of us would recover. She hadn’t been there for the longest time, but she was an integral part of the team. But we recovered. Then, when Gideon left, some of us were fine, but Reid? I genuinely thought he would never be the same. And I guess he isn’t, but he still recovered. And now you left. So if the pattern continues, we’ll recover.

        But I don’t think I will. Because every waking minute of every day (and even some of the sleeping ones), the thought that we will never catch Doyle haunts me. The thought that I will never see your beautiful face again. The thought that I will never actually get to talk to you again. 

        They don’t have those thoughts. To them, you are dead, under the ground, declared dead on the table. To them, there’s no chance they’ll ever see you again. So, for them, if we don’t catch Doyle, yes they’ll be irrationally angry because the son of a bitch who killed you is still out there, but catching him never had any more reward than revenge and putting another bad guy in prison where he belongs. They won’t realize that not catching him means they’ll never see you again because they don’t even know that’s an option. 

        I love you, JJ

        June 1st, 2011 Emily, 

        The worst part of all this is that I know you’re out there, lonely. I would say afraid, but I know you. Emily Prentiss doesn’t get scared, I know. But you’re alone, in a place that isn’t here. All I want to do is help you. And I can’t because if I do, there’s the possibility that I’ll make everything worse.

        So, I’m trying to focus on positives: happy memories and good things to happen. Like, the other day, I walked through a market and, when I passed a flower stall, all I smelled was that expensive perfume you used to wear. The stuff you stopped using because it made Reid sneeze? The stuff you still use when we would go out on the town? Smelling it made me want to go out and buy a drink and dance the night away. 

        And when I was shopping for new shoes for Henry, I saw a pair of boots that I knew you would buy the instant you saw them. They were lace-up, black with a bit of heel (I know your never-ending goal is to get taller), and there was a slight rose decal on the top. I could hear you shouting, “These are men squashing boots!” because you’re never embarrassed in public. I could see the smile you give me, a flash of blinding white teeth. And I knew the smile I would shoot back because happy Emily is my favorite Emily.

        I love you, JJ

        June 18th, 2011 Emily, 

        You missed Morgan’s birthday. 38! It was a pretty somber occasion because we all knew that something was missing. And it was the day before your 3 month anniversary of being dead. Garcia tried as best as she could to fill the gap, decorating the bar that Rossi rented out very extravagantly. Material items could never make up the lack of you. We all just ended up getting drunk.

        I think it’s really starting to hit Hotch. When I take Henry to hang out with Jack, Aaron’s quiet. Granted, he’s always quiet. (Not around you, though. You always bring out the best in people) This is a different quiet, though. He’s almost silent. I think he’s beating himself up. You know Hotch, anniversaries hit him hard. I think he hoped you would be home now, Doyle staying in the maximum security he belongs in. 

        But the rest of them are moving on. Spencer isn’t having the breakdowns he used to have. Penelope and I can go out for coffee without there being this heavy weight sitting on us. Ashley even joined us once, and it didn’t feel like she was replacing anyone. Rossi is smiling much more. Morgan is still acting a little fake, and he pulls sleepless nights every now and then, obsessing over the case. But he’s better. He can focus on cases, and Penelope tells me that they can go hang out without him being too absent-minded. 

        Hotch is the one I’m really worried about. We both remember the aftermath of Haley’s death. The grieving, the silence, the sleepless nights, the constant fidgeting so he could keep his mind of it. That’s what’s happening now. He’s just as worried about you as I am. We both know the possibility of never seeing you again.

        That leaves me. Three months later and I wouldn’t say I’m much better than I used to be. I still have trouble hanging around them. I still find myself grabbing my phone to text you something before remembering that I would never get an answer. I still find myself longing for you, for your smile, for your touch.

        I love you, JJ

        July 17th, 2011 Emily,

        I think this will be my last letter. I’ve come to a few realizations, and, even though I still desperately need to talk to you, writing these are one of them. 

        One: This isn’t healthy for me- nothing about this is. 5 stages of grief. We both know them, they have to do with the unsubs all the time. These letters are classified as denial. And I need to get through all five. Yes, you aren’t dead, but you may as well be. I can’t see you, I can’t talk to you, I can’t know where you are. There’s a death certificate. You were “buried.” And I need to get to acceptance. I need to accept that I may never see you again. I can’t just exist in this state of limbo forever. 

        Two: You are okay, and you can care for yourself. I guess this goes under the first one, but I don’t really care. You don’t get as close as we did are and not have an ever present worry of “what if she’s not okay? What if I’m not there to protect her? What if she needs my help?” But that’s where the denial thing comes in. I think that I’ve been doing that to myself because it keeps you near to me. It keeps you alive. Because if I can worry about you, there is still a you to worry about. Therein lies the issue. There is no you to worry over. To the world, you are dead. And I need to accept that. Because the you that does exist is perfectly capable and doesn’t need my help. 

        Three: Not having you here is the worst part of this all. Technically, you were gone before you left because I left, but we still talked and hung out. We still went to bars on alternating Saturdays. But we can’t have any of that anymore. And I think that’s what made me realize the last thing. 

        I am completely, utterly in love with you. And that’s terrifying. Unrequited love stories are the worst to read, but here I am, writing one. I loved how hot you looked when you tied your hair up. I love the way you carried yourself. I love the way you smiled at me when Reid went on one of his tangents. I love the way you looked at me when I delivered the profile. I love our hushed talks on the plane when everyone else is asleep, talking about everything and nothing.

        The worst part? You are the missing piece in this puzzle. You, Emily, were the one thing I never took into account when planning my life out. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you, I just did. Yet, here we are- me, writing crappy letters admitting my feelings, and you, halfway across the world, completely unaware of the havoc you’ve wreaked on me.

        I love you, JJ

[bemused-writer]

VNC Chapter 44 Analysis

Well, I think the main takeaway most people had with this chapter is that Vanitas is a lot less collected than we all thought. And I completely agree. XD Clearly, I've given this fellow too much credit in my fanfic.

Anyhow, it almost goes without saying that we learned a lot about Vanitas in this chapter, but we also learned a surprisingly large amount about Roland, so let's dig in.

The first thing that struck me as noteworthy was Noé's complete and utter overreaction. We already knew that he never really had to do things for himself with Louis and Dominique constantly taking care of him when he was young. For example, Mochizuki pointed out that they always helped him clean his room, and he is now terrible at being tidy. In other words, Noé was a touch spoiled. This is relevant because it explains why he has never had to take care of an ill person once in his life, so if Vanitas says he can't continue on then, by Noé's logic, he really must be dying.

Thus, it's completely fair when Manet and Nox wonder if these two are children; they're both certainly acting like it. XD

Still, Noé is coming from a place of genuine concern; he's never seen Vanitas act like this just like we haven't.

Before I move on, one thing I'd like to point out is the difference between Noé and Luca's reaction to the people they care about acting oddly. Luca immediately goes to someone he knows Jeanne trusts--a friend in other words. Meanwhile, Noé goes to the nearest authority figure he can find: Count Orlok. I think this is telling on both their parts.

Luca is someone who was raised to be the authority figure. While he doesn't like it even remotely, he knows he has to solve things for himself. He probably also knows the value of going to someone you know you can trust; he's surrounded by the aristocracy and he knows you can't trust just anyone with delicate information.

Noé has blind faith in authority figures on the other hand. He obeys Teacher without question, accepts Ruthven's presence in his hotel room as something he has a right to do in chapter 19, and he always listens to Dominique no matter what. Both she and Teacher are the ones that choose what his clothes look like according to the extra in the back of volume 3.

I suppose what I'm getting at is that Noé is very comfortable, accustomed even, to other people making decisions for him. He's not the one who has chosen most anything in his life, and I think this attitude started when he was very young. Certainly being sold as a slave and accepting that whoever bought him would be his "master" was a mindset he probably had to develop to survive and he may not have fully grown out of it. I'm sure it was only compounded by being surrounded by people who doted on him and protected him and made sure he never even had to make a decision for himself. His attitude is born of a very strange mix of neglect and indulgence.

In other words, Noé has a lot of potential problems he needs to sort out, and I'm sure his independence is going to be one of them.

Getting back on track, all of this is to say it's not surprising Noé goes to Count Orlok when he can't find Amelia. In theory, he could have tracked Dante down, someone Vanitas sort-of trusts, but he doesn't. It could because it would have been too hard to find him, but personally I don't think it even crossed his mind. He doesn't know what to do; someone else is supposed to handle these matters.

As for Vanitas, he is a complete wreck in this chapter. XD I think Vanitas is the kind of character that likes to act like he's calm, collected, and definitely knows what he's doing. It's even easy for us, the readers, to think the same because he has the book, he has the powers, he knows all about vampires when even the vampire protagonist doesn't, so it would make sense.

But all of that ignores the fact that Vanitas has also shown some definite signs of being slightly unhinged in awkward social situations from the very start. How does he befriend Noé? He stalks him all across Paris. How does he react when Noé gets closer to understanding him? He draws a dagger at him and tells him to go away. Alternatively, he calls him a slur and tries to make him leave. How does he handle Dominique accusing him of loving VotBM? He goes on a full-blown rant in the middle of a vampiric ball and generally makes a fool of himself.

So, the fact that he's a complete mess when he realizes he has genuine affection for someone is actually a lot less surprising in this context. Vanitas is trying to be someone he isn't. In other words, all that pompous know-how is a complete facade. 8D

So, in line with him making a fool of himself at the ball, he proceeds to make a fool of himself in front of Orlok, Nox, and Manet and, frankly, Noé.

Manet understandably wasn't expecting this information, but what's more interesting is that it confirms the fact that Vanitas really hadn't told Noé a thing after Gévaudan. The fact that he has now snapped and is telling everyone in the whole room shows just how affected he was. But what's also interesting is that he only starts to talk about this when there are other people. He couldn't just tell Noé himself. Perhaps because he thinks Noé won't have any advice?

And this is the definition of oversharing. XD Even Noé looks like he's wondering what on earth Vanitas is saying.

Honestly, this is more the kind of awkward, wildly inappropriate confession I might expect from Noé except that Noé would have the sense to only say something like this to someone he trusts, like when he told Dominique he thought Vanitas's blood smelled good. Still not the most tactful thing, but a whole lot better than describing, in some detail, the torrid affair you're having to a room full of people you barely know. 8D

As a side note, this pretty much confirms what I was saying in my last meta: Vanitas didn't enjoy Jeanne drinking his blood previously, at least not all that much. This time he did, and that definitely shows a shift in their relationship. As for how all of that works, it could be because Jeanne is fonder of him as well. Perhaps a vampire's toxin is in tune with that kind of thing? Unfortunately, we just don't know enough at this point to say.

Regardless, it means that when Vanitas went on that long rant to Jeanne in chapter 12 about how great it felt when she drank his blood and how they were definitely compatible, was yet more lying. It's kind of, possibly, true now though, hence his freakout.

Anyway, Orlok and co. decided Vanitas's "emergency" really wasn't that much of an emergency and they were understandably kicked out. I like that they were apparently very careful with Murr and included some treats for him as well. They really do love that cat. Knowing what we kind of know about Murr now I have to wonder: is this some kind of elaborate manipulation...?

But Noé, apparently still taking Vanitas's malady very seriously despite all that weird stuff about Jeanne, is not content with being kicked out.

I suppose the point here is that, despite knowing what Vanitas said was improper, he still isn't quite catching the gravity of things, and he's still convinced Vanitas is dying rather than having an existential breakdown over love.

Meanwhile, Vanitas is walking around in a haze in Paris, thinking about Jeanne, her smile, and the promise he made her. We get a look at his face, and I think it actually gives some pretty solid insight into what he's thinking:

He clenches his fist, his face is flushed, and he looks worried, distressed. The problem here isn't just that he cares about someone and doesn't know how to deal with it. No, it's actually much worse than that: he cares about someone and he promised he'd kill her if she ever lost herself and Vanitas, cursed with a certain understanding of just how bad things can get, knows he might actually have to keep this promise, a promise he may now regret making.

So, he's flustered because he cares, frightened because he cares, but also terrified because he knows things can only go badly from here. And, more than anything else, he knows he might actually be in love.

It only makes sense he'd think of Noé's original question here. It's not just that Noé is the one who's been trying to figure all this out (not Vanitas), but Vanitas knows Noé is the reason he's gotten into this much "trouble" in the first place. Opening up, caring about people, making promises he might not be able to keep... He is definitely blaming Noé for all of that. I wouldn't be surprised if he finds a way of blaming Noé for his romantic entanglement as well, which may be the actual reason he's avoided talking to Noé: he blames him, but he's also supremely embarrassed.

And in the midst of all this confusion and pain who is added to the picture? None other than our one and only Roland!

I think that might be my favorite image of the whole chapter. XD

Earlier in this meta I mentioned that we almost learn more about Roland in this chapter than anyone else, and it's thanks to Vanitas's exchange with him that we do!

The first thing we learn about Roland is something we've already had inklings of in earlier chapters: he's far more tactful and calculative than he would have people believe. He refers to Vanitas as "Vincent" and says Olivier is his coworker. Immediately, he has established that, for one, he's very good with details. He remembers exactly how Vanitas introduced himself and Noé when they first met. Furthermore, he knows Vanitas likely doesn't want to get further entangled in chasseur affairs, so he lets him know that he isn't with a random friend: this is someone potentially dangerous to Vanitas.

Not that it does much good because Vanitas isn't exactly thinking clearly.

This one, singular statement from Olivier is surprisingly revealing! I'd had a headcanon that Roland has had past relationships and it turns out that is absolutely true. Apparently, Olivier not only knows about them, he doesn't care, provided Roland isn't out and about doing anything else. He doesn't say what, specifically, because Vanitas is there, but we already know he's worried about what Roland is doing with the chasseurs and whether he's going to betray the Church. Not so much because he thinks Roland is wrong, exactly, but because he doesn't want any trouble for himself.

These two have an odd relationship. XD Olivier clearly understands the way Roland is, accepts it even, but he draws the line at Roland dragging everyone else into his schemes, hence why he offered to buy Vanitas the coffee in the first place.

Anyway, Vanitas ignores all that because Olivier brought up the only subject he cares about and wants advice on: women.

This is my other favorite image from this chapter. His face is the perfect encapsulation of "What are you doing? I was just trying to get you out of trouble and now you're sitting down? You're going to stay?!" The fixed grin, the panic. This is a thing of beauty.

Naturally, things only get more awkward because that's just the trajectory Vanitas has set for himself in this chapter.

I also just want to point out that the smoking, the string of relationships, the casual dining, the flying, the actual job, all point to Roland being a fair amount older than Noé and Vanitas. Probably mid-20s about? I'm sure that he and Olivier are the same age, regardless, though potentially from different class backgrounds. Olivier is decked out in aristocratic garb and Roland is dressed for flying. That doesn't necessarily mean he's poorer, but the impression I get from him is that he's probably middle class at most. I think there was an extra that mentioned he supports his siblings? I'm not sure now.

Anyway, after those 15 minutes of awkward rambling, Vanitas finally gets around to the question he's been meaning to ask. Apparently, Roland knows all about it.

There's kind of a lot to cover in those three images. Roland has not only had past relationships, he's had several. Judging by Olivier's remark, they've all been remarkably short. One has to wonder if we're talking one-night-stand kind of short or it-lasted-for-a-week-before-my-preaching-became-too-much kind of short. Maybe Mochizuki will enlighten us someday. XD

But the most interesting thing is how hesitant Roland is to discuss Olivier's relationships and how Olivier doesn't even deign Vanitas's question with an answer. Yes, he's popular, but no, he's not going to talk about who he's with and neither is Roland. When Roland says "I'm one thing, but Olivier...?" it could mean a few things: he thinks it makes sense for himself to be "promiscuous" but the thought of Olivier being the same is impossible. Personally, I find this the most likely for now. Alternatively, it's one thing to casually discuss his own affairs, but gossiping about a friend goes against his code of honor and Vanitas is kind of asking a personal question. There is also a third possibility that Roland can't imagine Olivier with a woman. Olivier's popular, but he's not interested. Naturally, Roland wouldn't announce that to the world and it isn't particularly relevant to Vanitas's question anyway.

Whatever the reason, it subtly demonstrates how well the two know each other.

Vanitas finally gets to the heart of things, and it fits in with what I thought happened:

This really was the first time Vanitas saw Jeanne for who she was, as an actual person, and not just someone he can mess with. Before that particular moment, he truly knew nothing of Jeanne. Now, he's finally had a glimpse of her actual personality and it's incredibly genuine, forthright, and strong. Of course, now that he sees that, how can he not find her at least a little appealing? And how can he not now be forced to reckon with his past behavior? He was horrid, there's no getting around it. Regret isn't something Vanitas handles well along with, apparently, emotions in general. Hence his next dilemma:

And at long last, Noé is finally seeing what the problem actually is. He didn't piece it together at Orlok's, but he's now hearing it from Vanitas directly. It's no wonder Noé surreptitiously sits away so he can listen. This whole time he's been wanting Vanitas to explain things to him, not just about the cold, but about love as well.

Roland is trying to be helpful here but, let's be honest, Vanitas is dropping a lot on him out of the blue, so I think it's understandable that he's a little confused right now.

And we finally get to the heart of the whole thing: Vanitas thinks he's a disgusting person. Someone like Jeanne definitely shouldn't love him because the only kind of person who could love him is someone who is as awful as he is and he's now been confronted with the fact that maybe Jeanne isn't. There relationship has a ton of issues, don't get me wrong, but Vanitas isn't seeing that; he's seeing that Jeanne has been kind to him, seems to care about him, and that definitely isn't the kind of person who would love him. Not genuinely.

The whole thing gets even more confusing if we take into account that his decidedly romantic moment with Jeanne reminded him of VotBM. They weren't having a romantic moment, but the discussion of affection, of hugs, were directly intertwined. Until we know more about VotBM I can't say if she was motherly or if things were decidedly more questionable there, but Vanitas must have gotten his twisted ideas about relationships from someone. Did VotBM have a bad relationship with someone? Did his past trauma simply color everything else in his life?

Olivier and Roland are understandably concerned, but it's Noé here that really stands out. He's pieced something together about Vanitas and now understands him a little bit better. After each arc, he and Vanitas have had a small conversation that brings them closer, but so far they haven't had that in this particular arc. My guess is it will be in the next chapter or the one after (since this one was labeled "part 1") and the arc will be wrapped up for good. There is, genuinely, a lot of stuff they need to cover about Gévaudan, Vanitas's relationship with Jeanne, and what they're doing next. There's also the small matter of Noé's injuries....

So, these two are going to have a lot to cover and Roland knows that right now, what Vanitas needs, is someone to talk to that he properly trusts. I almost wonder if he timed his dramatic God speech just so Noé could chase after him to begin with.

This really reads as "Go to him, Gilbert" and that amuses me.

Roland knew Noé was there the whole time (he's observant as we've mentioned) and he knows he and Vanitas have a powerful bond. He himself was inspired so much by it he changed his views on vampires completely. So, logically, he knows Noé needs to talk to Vanitas.

But Roland's motivations are still a bit harder to describe.

This much makes sense. The fact that he's had a string of lovers and doesn't seem particularly dejected by his constant breakups makes it obvious he wasn't particularly attached to any of them. He speaks about love as if he knows what it is, but he's never been that invested in a person to our knowledge. The only person we've seen him spend any length of time with is Olivier and they have a complicated relationship at best. Are we to assume he at least has an attachment to him? He threatened him before, but he also seems fond of him, and Olivier at least seems comfortable around Roland in turn.

And yet, Roland speaks of attachment as if it's a foreign thing to him. We know he has family, we know he has Olivier, he even has God, but like Olivier said: he believes in himself as a follower of God more than God Himself. Perhaps it's best said that the only thing we really know about Roland is that he's confident in himself, his own morals and beliefs.

And I think that's how Vanitas fits into Roland's worldview to a certain extent. Vanitas is a project of sorts: Roland wants to save him, very much in the religious and physical sense, and he knows Vanitas is in danger every day at least physically. Perhaps he worries for his soul as well, not necessarily that he's going to Hell, but that he has lost himself and could "shatter" at any moment.

Oddly, Noé isn't brought up in this conversation whatsoever even though the person Roland showers with blatant affection is Noé, not Vanitas. This could very likely be because he knows Vanitas isn't receptive to that kind of thing; it's a tactic that works great with Noé, but definitely not with his companion and Roland is above all a calculative person.

And that's all I've got for now! I do like that Roland and Olivier dropped their serious conversation about an actual Vampire Eradication Unit to deal with Vanitas's love life. That's pretty supportive. XD Also, there's a Vampire Eradication Unit that Gano is a part of and if that isn't one of the main plot points of the next arc it will be soon enough.

Anyway, I look forward to seeing how Jeanne handled things. It looks like she's done at least moderately better than Vanitas, but most people would. XD

[aslibekroglu]

I want to start off by saying that this show is hilarious. The amount of times I'm losing it in my room seriously... Selim and Akgün together are a riot. "My good son, my wonderful son, my stupid son" lmao I was like, THATS ME WITH AKGÜN! MY STUPID, WONDERFUL SON THAT I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART!! The car chase lmao...Akgün being, "everything's over, they were short term feelings" and Selim threatening him with the gun when he said that lol. He won't let Akgün live in either situations.

The watch scene 😭😭😭😭. I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!! AKGÜN GETTING THE ACCEPTANCE HE'S ALWAYS WANTED!! I'm gonna start crying all over again. The chemistry between Alperen and Ali is amazing! Watching that scene a second time, it made me feel like Selim was also sort of, in a way, going to give his blessings for Akmur. Idk, what do you think?

Selim having second thoughts after seeing how devastated both were after the breakup, lol that was nice to see; how his conscience was eating him up

CanSel are just so damn adorable! Literally the cutest divorced couple ever

I'm so glad we got to see how bad the breakup was affecting Akmur. Like they didn't goes over it, I really liked that. Poor Akgün got a double whammy dealing with the breakup and photo. And my girl Yağmur!! I felt so bad for her, crying at school. Literally the worst place to have a breakdown (and oh, I WANT THOSE SELFIES!! WHERE ARE THE SELFIES?? WHERE ARE THEY???). Her happiness when Akgün called her. Legit disliked him there for 1 minute bc she was so happy to see him and him avoiding her hug. Ugggghhh Akgün

I don't care but I do not feel one bit bad for Kaan. He deserved it. Dude just killed any hopes he had of getting back with Yağmur. Not that she would get back with him but now Selim will kill him if he even looks at her

Naz & Soner!!!! (Will not complain about them getting a better edited kiss. Nope. Nuh-uh. I will not be one of those fans. Just kidding, I complained but like for a minute)

Yesss!!! I'm so glad the Bedri thing came back to Yağmur. I want to see mom and daughter take him down. If anybody can do it, it's them two. Especially Yağmur, like she said, she won't rest until she exposes him

Oh and Soner being the bestest friend ever!?!? He was serious when he said he doesn't forget the good things people do for him. He was on Akgün watch all day lol. I want more scenes of him and Akgün just being roommates

Anyways, some people are thinking that Selim and Akgün have something up their sleeve after that last shared look. Idk and honestly I'm just here for the ride. No theorizing for me lol

Tbh this show is so damn funny. And emotional. And dramatic. And romantic. There’s so many good parts about it, it’s just great. Akgün and Selim’s scenes at the police station and during the car chase absolutely cRACKED me up!!! And then the scene with the watch absolutely WRECKED me. Seeing Akgün get that acceptance he’s been looking for meant soooooo much! Alperen did such an amazing job in that scene. I was just a sobbing mess watching it. But, yeah when I first watched it the first thing that came to my mind was, is this watch meant to symbolize yağmur, is he giving his blessing, is he finally okay with them being together???? And idk, I’m excited to see how Selim treats them next episode, it’s going to be interesting seeing this development now that he’s really accepted Akgün . And as much as I loved seeing Selim feel bad about Yağmur hurting (that heart to heart they had in the garden was so so good), I just loved seeing how guilty he felt about Akgün. Like those moments when Selim was complaining about him and Canan was just like please, you know you love him and you know you feel guilty. Or when Akgün mentioned how they just can’t seem to separate, like no matter how mad he gets at Akgün, they’re bonded for life, they can’t get rid of each other!!!

Cansel was absolutely adorable, I really feel like it’s just a matter of time before they really do start dating again and I can’t waittttttt! Now, the Akmur fight. I was genuinely so mad at Akgün in that moment. He was breaching that type of jealousy that I hate in these dizis, that possessive, controlling type and I just hope they don’t really continue on that path. I so badly wanted him to apologize for it and they just made it seem like him beating up Kaan was enough and it wasn’t. I was proud of how she stood up to him in that moment, but the fact that Yağmur didn’t really make him answer for it kind of upset me. And in regards to the whole Kaan thing, what Akgün said was basically in the same vein of what Kaan was saying. Sure what Kaan said was a bit more extreme, implied something worse than what Akgün said, and was more insulting. And Akgün’s statement was more so based on just jealousy and the ‘ex-boyfriend’ of it all (plus him still being angry about the marriage situation) while Kaan’s was more so basic slut shaming, but it’s all the same ‘you can’t touch any other man while we’re together’ foolishness and it’s just gross. That being said, as much as I hated what the actual akmur fight was about, I LOVED the scene. Like idk what it was about it, but Alperen and Hafsanur’s chemistry and was on point in that scene. Between Yağmur just yelling at this brick wall that is a jealous Akgün and just being so done with Akgün’s low ass emotional iq, and Akgün only being able to focus on her calling Kaan her ex-boyfriend, that scene is just great!!!

Speaking of that scene, on youtube there were a bunch of comments saying like oh is this akgün and yagmur that we’re watching or canan and selim or wow akmur has really turned into cansel. And I just find it so interesting. I mean there have been examples in other episodes, but in this episode in particular they showed how similar the two couples are. Like of course it’s been brought up before how Akgün and Selim had similar upbringings, how Selim sees himself in Akgün. And in 14, you could see Yağmur following in similar footsteps as Canan, sacrificing herself for love. But in this episode they like specifically called it out multiple times. Idk it’s interesting. I wonder what they’re trying to say with that or where they’re going with it.

But that scene with Yağmur and Akgün when they’re talking about his brother legitimately made me cry. The way she is always teaching him to hope and dream just makes me so emotional. She is so fucking good for him, i can’t believe it.

Oh yeah, and as much as I love Akgün and Selim living together, I am so excited to see Akgün and Soner as roommates!! I adore their friendship so so much. Seeing how concerned Soner was for Akgün and seeing him constantly watch over him was so nice. And I loved Naz and Soner’s kiss it was so sweet. I saw a comment somewhere about how Soner did what it took Akgün 13 episodes to do lmaooooo honestly Soner made his mooooove!!

[ziracona]

Please don't take this as offensive (im sorry if i come across that way, i hope not) but i really wouldn't take someone like Yourself to be a Fates fan. Fates and Fgo just tends to be filled with a lot of uh, Problems? For a lack of better words? The fandom and the content is just really REALLY weird to me. There's also like a ton of shows(games?), so im starting to wonder if I just started off on the wrong foot? Am i missing something?

​I am a being of many interests. Lol, you’re good though. I very much get it.

Fate is...a weird mix? I don’t even think I can call myself a proper ‘Fate fan,’ because while I collect secondhand info like a lint roller takes lint, I’ve barely experienced any of even just the shows (which is an intentional choice). You are actually correct both times; it is both games and shows. And more. It started as a multi-path lite novel, which got adapted into anime, and more. There’s the big shows, which mostly connect to the original novel, plus a bunch of stories set in that expanded universe, in show game and more formats. I have no idea what you started on, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was bad, because Fate tends to be a roulette wheel. Basically, the short version is that the reason for this is Fate swaps out like their whole creative team for every show and game and thing, and every fuckin /arc/ of Fate Go, so the quality will vary from “Huh. That was...something” to “Oh my god that was a waste of so many hours wtf that was /god/awful” to “oh worm??! This is kinda fun” to “i-is this a spiritual experience?”

So they’re all kind of connected but also not really? I can’t think of a good thing to liken it to, because it’s a weird way to do something, but even many stories with the exact same characters are written or adapted by completely different teams, so they’re kind of all connected in name more than anything else? It’s very much a consume and take or leave only specifically what you want kind of thing.

I can’t speak to the fandom because I’m not really...in it? And have only ever gone into the tags for gifs. But I would not be surprised if a lot of the most vocal ones are terrifying. It seems like that’s often the case in many fandoms regrettably.

Tbh I can’t honestly speak to most Fate media. The only game I have played is Go, the little gatcha phone game. Honestly, anybody who played/plays Fate Go too and wants to roast me for it has free rein. It’s ridiculous, and goofy, and often stupid, sometimes straight up terrible, but also sometimes kind of fantastic. Florence Nightengale tried to chop off all my limbs when she met me and beat a president up to ‘fix’ him. King David pulled the sickest tactical finess in the history of warfare. The game made fun of everyone who takes shipping too seriously and roasted them all in an event which gave me great screenshots for future use:

It’s a super mixed bag, which is sometimes actually fantastic, and sometimes so bad that I am like “I...want to commit assault against whoever just did the art alone.” But I just kind of skip the downticks and stick around for arcs that get the good writers. It’s goofy, but some of it has made me genuinely happy, and that’s extremely valuable to me right now. (On a good arc) It’s like, the right mesh of funny and serious and goofy and low key but clever for me to get really into but in like consistently a light and non-stressful way.

The only anime I have actually watched is Unlimited Blade Works, which I thought was phenomenal and it wrecked me as a human being. It’s also very beautiful and has some of the best animated fight scenes in anything I have seen ever, and I would wholeheartedly recommend it. I can’t speak to any of the others. And I don’t want to watch any of the other OG paths and no one can make me. But UBW lives rent free in my soul. I mean:

If you were a normal human being, you will probably watch this and go “Some of that was confusing, but it was pretty neat. 8/10 stars.” If you wanted to sincerely be a superhero as a kid or god forbid are like me and still haven’t entirely given up on that dream deep down, it’ll be a 13/10 but it will also crush your soul and leave it in little glass shards. Worth it tho. 13/10, would rewatch a 5th time.

Anyway there was your long and unnecessary breakdown of me and fate. The TLDR is I’m actually just the “I have approximate knowledge of many things” guy from Adventure Time and know very little comprehensively. Go is stupid, but the times it’s great are worth the times I want to die to me personally, as a phone game. And UBW is high art and it hurt me in a way that was worthwhile because it made me feel truly heard even if in a painful way by at least one other person. And also it’s just kind of a killer of a story.

[ichirostitties]

welcome!! can i please get some uhhhhh pining/confession hcs for ichiro, doppo, and dice? 👀

HEY GUYS IT’S BEEN A HOT MINUTE i should be able to update more frequently now!! work b like kickin my ass + i’ve been replying for uni so uwu owo i’m back now alSO oh..THIS RQ WAS LIKE MADE FOR ME!! they’re all good dudes ughh dw i’ll send them all the love

Ichiro

-oh this poor kid. he has no clue what to do, it sort of hit him out of nowhere one day; that he realised he really REALLY liked you, like a lot!! more than a friend (i think ichiro is the type of person who would only really fall for someone he considers a friend first, so u gotta be his friend before u can suck his dick ok)

-he can’t stop thinking about you, especially when he’s reading those light novels of his. he can’t help picturing the two of you in the same situations as the main love interests and he keeps!! blushing and having to stop reading because it makes his heart so soft but he’s so embarrassed 

-every time he sees you he can feel his heart sort of..squeeze or ache in some way, he finds it hard to hold back his feelings because he’s usually so honest and affectionate but he really doesn’t want to ruin your friendship.

-jiro and saburo notice he’s been acting differently recently, he’s been a little more easily distracted and he seems especially jumpy when you come around…honestly they can probably tell what’s up, i think they’d try to get you two alone but they simultaneously facepalm when ichiro still says nothing and just keeps staring at you when you’re not looking (sometimes you notice but you don’t think much of it)

-he would probably imagine some different romantic confession scenario each night. before he goes to sleep he lies there and he imagines various (impossible) ways his confession to you would go. it’s all really cliche but he’s having the time of his life before he goes to sleep and probably dreams about it too

-bruh ichiro is so whipped like.,he’d drop anything to help you if you needed it. he’s such a sweetie and even you notice he’s been doing more to help than usual lately. please remind him to take care of himself, i feel like he needs someone to do that for him sometimes

-it takes time, a lot of longing glances at you and he probably even sighs wistfully while reading manga, but eventually he’ll gather up the courage to tell you how he feels. he’s planned some impossibly elaborate scenario, but one day when you guys are just hanging out on one of his days off playing video games or something (GOD I WISH THAT WERE ME…THIS BITCH Y/N IS OUT HERE LIVING THEIR BEST LIFE) he just sorta..lets it slip that he really likes you. 

-he would definitely only ever say it in person. he thinks that doing it via message/text is sort of an easy way out and what sort of person would he be if he did that?? he’s gotta gather up the courage just like his favourite main characters have done so many times!!

-so he’d tell you, and if you accept him he’d be SO HAPPY i think he’d almost cry. he’d give you the biggest, softest hug ever and you’d probably have to tell him to stop squeezing so hard but!!! aah!! he’s so so happy that you return his feelings and he doesn’t even care that you guys technically wasted time with all the moments he couldn’t bring himself to say anything

-and as a zombie kills him in minecraft in the background, ichiro can feel that ache in his chest finally subside as he leans in to give you a big ol smooch right on the lips (mwah ily too ichiro)

Daisu

-ok. this one made me a little emo ngl

-when dice finds out he has feelings for you, he really doesn’t know what else to do. there’s evidence that he actually doesn’t think that highly of himself (..im lookin at you hypmic manga + stella lyric video), so he would probably be content to be around you in any way, even if it isn’t romantic, because he’s just so happy and kind of astounded you want to be around him as much as you do at all

-he isn’t very obviously like this, though, it’s just thoughts he has sometimes so you don’t notice anything, but they’re still there. he doesn’t think you’d want to date someone like him, after all, he’s a bit of a screw-up, right?(NO HE ISNT..DICE IS BABEY) he’s only 20, and yet he’s already made so many bad decisions…

-and he finds himself enjoying your company even more than usual, he really does love you so much and he isn’t used to feeling this way! his chest hurts when he thinks about you, and he just sees your hand and wants to hoLD IT SO BADLY but he can’t bring himself to say anything

-he’s always been a little clingy towards people who are kind to him, but you notice he’s been like that even more than usual. he doesn’t even beg money from you like usual, he’s just…there, a lot. not that you mind, in fact you welcome his company, you just notice that difference

-he stays with you a lot, and you guys still have just as much fun together as you always did! he’s great to be around, he’s really lighthearted even if he gets riled up easily, and maybe you start to notice this light, fluttery feeling when he’s around too..but you brush it off as just general enjoyment of his presence

-it’s one day, after he’s had a particular lucky streak down at the slot machines, that he feels that wave of dopamine hit and just rushes to your place, excited at all his winnings, and accidentally-on-purpose (he’s aware of what he’s doing, he just can’t really control his mouth lol) tells you how he feels in a big rush of excitement (probably like “AND I THINK I WON CAUSE I’VE BEEN AROUND YOU A LOT!! YOU’RE LIKE MY LUCKY CHARM!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH Y/N!!”

-you’re like “uhh..ok what?? bruh moment” as he keeps going, then he realises what he said and COMPLETELY STOPS, he’s speechless for a good few seconds, before he turns pretty red and starts pacing around the room ranting about how it wasn’t supposed to go like that!!! he wasn’t supposed to say anything because there’s no way you’d wanna be with someone like him!!

-and then you go over to him to calm him down, take his hand in yours and assure him that actually, you do want to be with him. you tell him you’ve liked him for a while now too, but you’d only figured it out recently, and he’s just so shocked that his brain stops working for a moment and he looks like “…” but as a person

-and then he gets the biggest, cheesiest dice-grin on his face and gives you a BIG BIG BONE-CRUSHING HUG, spins you around, and says he loves you over and over while you laugh and cry simultaneously because you think he’s about to snap your spine

-after that’s over, you tell him that he shouldn’t think of himself as trash or anything; sure he’s like the definition of bad decisions, but you don’t care because he’s an honest, kind person whose company you genuinely enjoy, and even if he gambled all his clothes and everything else he owns away, you’d still wanna be with him because you feel the same, you love him

-he’s so happy! he feels luckier than he ever has in his entire life, his day has gone so well and he has the best sleep (by your side, ofc) he’s had in a long time

Doppo

-a nervous wreck..you think he’s bad normally?? he’s 100 times worse now that he’s realised he likes you in a romantic way

-he’s REALLY OBVIOUS!! poor man :^( he stutters while he’s talking to you (more than usual), he blushes BRIGHT RED when asking you anything, he’s fidgeting SO MUCH like his hands are shaking (knees weak palms sweaty mom’s spaghetti), and sometimes he can’t even bring himself to greet you when he sees you because he’s just too afraid of screwing up and making you hate him (as if you could ever..doppo is amazing)

-everyone within a mile radius can tell how he feels. hifumi almost tells you himself before doppo smacks him straight across the face and tells him to shut the hell his mouth before apologizing profusely to you and dragging mr hifoomi away for a severe talking to about Social Boundaries (then apologizes for giving him the smack and pats him on the head. i love their friendship)

-he’d go out of his way to see you at least once a day, even if he can’t always bring himself to talk to you and even if it means he gets home a little later than usual. he feels horribly creepy just watching you, but his heart is fluttering so much and his chest is aching so badly he can’t do much more than that, no matter how much he wants to go over to you

-he will NEVER confess purposely. his self esteem is so cripplingly low he’s convinced you don’t even like him that much anyway, let alone return his feelings, and he thinks him confessing would just make you despise him, so he never says anything and just remains stuck in this horrible loop

-one day, however, he’s had the shittiest day in a while (at least, it stands out compared to others), and you invite him over for dinner (it’s been a while, after all!). he thinks, why not? how could this day get any worse? at least he’ll get to see you, even if he makes a big fool of himself and you end up hating him. at least it’ll all be over in one day

-you’re actually a little nervous yourself. you really like doppo, and you had plans to say something to him yourself this evening. you didn’t want to give him a nervous breakdown, however, so you had this whole thing planned out where you’d give him the most relaxing dinner possible so he’d at least be in a relatively normal state of mind so you could tell him your feelings

-well!! spoiler alert, it doesn’t end up like that. doppo, more anxious than usual, keeps slipping over his words and keeps muttering under his breath, and you can only seem to calm him for a max of 5 minutes at a time before he’s at it again. you manage to get through dinner fine, in fact it’s really pleasant, but after that he doesn’t know what to do and ends up biting his nails on your couch while you tidy up

-he says it accidentally. he didn’t mean for you to hear it, but he says that he loves you and you almost drop the plate you’re holding in shock because!! no way! he feels the same? and you turn around and he’s got this absolutely devastated look on his face because he’s convinced he’s just ruined your entire relationship

-you rush over to him before he can start apologizing and self-deprecating again (he gets a few out before you reach him) and you pull him up off the couch and into your arms because boy does he look like he needs a hug right now. you stroke his hair and reassure him that you feel the same! in fact, you were planning on confessing to him yourself at some point tonight, but he beat you to it! you congratulate him on being brave enough to say it aloud, even if it was an accident

-doppo’s in shock. he doesn’t know what to say, but he loves the feeling of your hand stroking his hair and leans into it, unable to believe his luck. he probably starts crying as soon as his emotions catch up to him because he’s SO RELIEVED, that was so stressful for him, and he’s not sure if he’s felt this happy in a long time

-he calls hifumi and tells him he’ll be out for the night, before he decides to stay over at your place for the night (screw work, he’ll call in sick) and maybe talk to you about nice things while he falls asleep. he’s wanted this for so long and you’re more than happy to have him over to talk things out properly (and also try to lift his spirits a little. poor man needs a break)

-and now u guys r dating and it’s wholesome and pleASE GIVE HIM ALL UR LOVE HE NEEDS IT!! 

[shesawriter39049]

|BRAVADO|HOSEOK (M)| AU

EX IDOL ...TRANSITIONING TO SOLO K ARTIST (NOT BTS)

A/N: I had taken the sneak peek for part 1 down and swapped it out for the BACKSTORY ...but you guys asked for it..also it’s like completely reworked lol. This is 2.7K the full thing will prob be around around 10k…storyline heavy since it’s the first chapter but there will be a good amount of smut!

I’d suggest reading the backstory..at least after this so you have a better Idea..as this is a AU for multiple reasons….BUT you don’t HAVE to read it to get the gist.

PLEASE NOTE: THE WAY I’M WRITING HOSEOK’S FEELINGS ABOUT BEING A IDOL IS NOT HOW I THINK HE FEELS...IT’S REFERENCED HERE..AND WILL BE REFERENCED IN DETAIL DURING THE STORY. BUT THE GROUP HE WAS IN..THE CONTRACT AS EXTREMELY STRICT EVEN FOR KPOP. THE GROUP MUSICALLY OR CONCEPT WISE WAS NOTHING LIKE BTS SO PLEASE DON’T READ INTO THIS TOO DEEP !

Lol it’s just a story!! !

-The OC is tatted...but that’s as far as it get physically also her name in this is actually a nickname/business name sooo she’s still “Y/N”

Glancing up at all the lights throughout the city, just silently observing the way the sun was starting to set, taking in the different color waves that dusted the sky.There was this...array of calmness that had washed over Hoseok's body as of late, and he couldn’t even tell you where it came from. To be real, you'd think he’d be a total wreck considering he was in the final stages of finishing his debut album. A Week from today to be exact, in one week he’s due to sit in front of his label and play them the finished product.  Once that album get’s the labels stamp of approval..that's when it all starts, picking the single, finding dancers and a choreographer..shooting the music video, and album cover art. Oh let’s not forget the endless traveling to promote the single as well as multiple live performances. While hopefully finding a couple hours a to eat and sleep. The funny thing is, no matter how utterly exhausting that all sounds, especially because for the first time in his career he’d have to do it alone. Hoseok still felt good, damn good,confident, happy, genuinely happy, the butterflies that roamed through his body as he anxiously awaited the start of his new journey felt more exhilarating than anything else. For the first time in years he was looking forward to the idea of stepping into the “Unknown” excited to grow and mature within in craft. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not sitting here saying the ride so fars been nothing but rainbows and butterflies. He did damn near have a mental breakdown last night while in the studio with Gray and Yoongi, over the production of a song. Let’s just say it was pushing 1AM, and Hoseok had a little too much coffee..mixed in with a little too less sleep...and for some reason the 808 just didn't sound right. But of course..after finally getting a good oh I don't know 10 hours of sleep, waking up to a voice memo from Gray... ultimately the 808 actually did sound right! To be fair it always did, he was just stressed and trippin’ a little ,but that was normal, that was expected this is his first solo project , his baby if you will.

“Our sunshine” that’s what his fans called him, no matter what mood you were in, if Hoseok smiled at you...your body responded on command. There was no way around it, and the energy and pure bliss  that radiated from his body as of late reflected that nickname to the tee. I’m not implying he was completely miserable during his career as an Idol because he honestly wasn't. Hobi loved his members, fans, and will be forever grateful for the life and memories they’ve given him. But, Idol life at least under the contract he signed...wasn't meant for a free spirit like Jung Hoseok, and this mini hiatus he’s been on since the groups disbandment, has shown him that first hand.

As he continued gazing out the window of the tinted SUV that was currently sandwiched in LA traffic he didn't even realizing the permanent smile engraved on his cheeks the entire car ride. One earpod in, currently playing a couple rough cuts of the songs he'd just finished last night as he just people watched. Loving the different cultures and personalities that danced along the streets of LA, the city of dreamers...always feeling at home no matter what part of California he was in. Moments like these were still felt new to him, the freedom he now felt being able to not be paranoid if he went to events solo. Or if he wanted  to go out to a bar and have a couple drinks with friends..no matter the gender. Finally able to run his own social media accounts and post whatever he wanted….if he felt like posting a picture of him in a towel after the gym then he could. If he wanted to post a picture of him and a girl out at dinner….he could, now if we're being real here..the majority of his fanbase is still women so he’s not in any rush to settle down and spam his socials with a girlfriend. Nor does he even have time to entertain someone full time, but it’s just the principle,if he wanted too he could...and that’s something he hasn't been able to do since he was shit,18. His new contract for the most part was solely business related, it held no stipulations on his personal life. Smiling fondly at the growing line of fans that started streaming down the sidewalk, the event itself didn't even start for damn near a hour and a half yet fans were already posted outside.

Tonight was Jay Park’s album release at “The Novo” in Downtown LA, the event itself was a showcase and a album release party all in one, this particular event wasn't for the fans though. They were just all outside patiently waiting to show their love and support while of course also hoping to get glimpses of some of their favorite artist, as well as Mr. Park himself. The idea behind the showcase was more so for industry reps to get a first listen at the album: Radio personalities, music critics ,bloggers and of course Jay’s friends and family. Hints why Hoseok was invited, even during his boyband days the two of them were close, bonding over there love for hip hop and dance.He often refers to him as his “Little big brother”  since even though Park is almost 8 years older..Hoseok is almost 4 inches taller,and there's not a day that goes by that he doesn't remind him of that. The two of them were a lot closer than the public actually knew, Park starting out in a boyband himself later transitioning into becoming the founder of his own label. Partially because he wanted to give other Korean artist who didn't fit in that “Idol box”  full reigns and creative freedom over there craft, Jay understood Hoseok’s concerns and struggles first hand.

Currently headed not even a mile up the road to “The Ritz-Carlton”, which is where Jay was staying while he got ready for his party.Feeling the car come to a complete stop,taking that as a hint that they had arrived, pulling down the mirror to give himself a one over, before stepping out of the car. His dark wavy locks messily pushed out of his face, skin holding a warm glow due to being in LA for the past 2 weeks. Minimum makeup on, let’s be real when your going to a papped event ...all celebrities no matter who you are have something vailing over there skin. The last thing you need is the full exposure on a camera zoning in on every pour on your face, it just wasn't a full blown smokey eye. Letting his eyes trace down his face, gazing over the small silver hoop that sat in his nose, all the way to the ink the laced along the side of his neck. He felt good, he felt like him...not even trying to hide the smirk that danced along his lips as he glanced back at this reflection “Sir is this entrance okay?” The sound of the drivers voice snapped Hoseok out of his moment of vanity “Oh yeah,  well, actually let me make a quick phone call first just to double check.”  Tilting his head up to smile at the driver through the partition before scrolling through his text messages quickly looking for the one labeled “Mariah-JP” . Clicking the call button, placing it on speaker as he could tell his pods were dying, and he swore it didn't even fully ring once before she picked up “ PLEASE, tell me your here!?” The level of frustration and desperation in her voice shouldn't have been as amusing as it was,impulsively snorting out the ugliest cackle , not even able to imagine what her days been like. “Shit, I’m sorry I didn't mean to laugh but...wow...ugh yeah, I’m getting dropped off at the main valet entrance is that cool?” Wanting to make sure she wasn't it by any other door as he’d rather get dropped off than make her chase him around “Yes that’s perfect just hurrrryy!!!” Even the driver couldn’t help but chuckle at how frazzled she seemed. Quickly apologizing for the break in character not wanting to seem unprofessional in which Hoseok waved off, not minding one bit, the call was on speaker and it was honestly hilarious. Almost reaching over to open the door himself before he heard the drivers side door open, still a task he felt unnecessary..I mean..come on...he could open his damn door. But not wanting to offend the driver or interfere with him doing his job...he waited patiently for him to open his door.

Hopping out of the car swiftly, turning around to grab the small black David Yurman bag off the seat, as well as to double check that nothing fell out of his pockets as he wouldn’t be riding to the party with the driver. Part of the reason he was meeting Jay here first is because he received a text in regards to a mandatory pre-game session before hand. In addition to the fact that Park wanted his entourage of friends to arrive with im to walk his “black carpet”

Gazing up at this beautiful 54 story glass structure that sat in front of him.. instantly bringing back memories of the boys last world tour, were they sold 2 nights at the Rose Bowl. It was crazy how his heart started fluttering all over again just at the thought of it..the biggest grin stretching across his cheeks. To anyone else just walking by, hell even the driver he probably looked fucking insane but he didn't care, that memory too vivid, too pure..to be held in regardless of the circumstances. Eyes starting to tear up at the pictures he was starting to paint in his head, he swore he could literally still here the fanchants clear as day ..damn near a year later..

Snapping himself out of that memory before it got too deep, and his makeup got ruined..because if he would’ve  sat in that moment any longer he would have started balling his eyes out! He felt the driver simply just pat his shoulder... It was the sweetest thing ever the way he just stood there, not asking any questions, not exactly sure what just happened that caused the sudden shift in Hoseok's mood. But he just  let him have his space, not in any rush to leave, and even if Hoseok didn't physically say anything about it, he picked up on the gesture immediately, something so small, meant so much.It wasn’t required for him to give a damn, all he was instructed to do was drive...yet he could tell this young man needed a little more than that right now...even it was subtle. 

“Thanks man I appreciate it” There was this sense of warmth that laced through Hoseok's voice as he spoke, a slight tremble knocking at his usual collected tone because he meant that phrase in more ways than one. Extending his hand to the drivers for what he assumed was just a handshake instead Hoseok slid a tip in his hand before smiling up at the gentleman fondly.

“The pleasures all mine, I hope you enjoy your night!” The warmth was returned graciously before  he made his way over to the drivers side to pull off. Of course the driver didn't actually open his hand and look at the amount until he got in the car but let’s just say he was pleasantly surprised.

It didn't take long for Mariah to spot him...not that he was hard to miss in his leather embellished Gucci jacket. Damn near pushing past the doormen to hold the door open for Hoseok, who previously started walking towards the door extremely slow, with a shit eating grin on his face. “Don’t make me hurt you! Get your ass over here!!!”  flailing her arms in the air as egged him closer, pulling her in for a quick hug because she damn sure looked like she needed one, in addition to a whole lotta liquor! Standing there in her cute pink little bodycon dress and Louboutins, hair pin straight, parted down the middle draping down her back.“Thank God...this man has been asking about you all damn day!” Sighing into Hoseok's chest as she spoke , her tone  shifting immediately, soothing out while in his embrace. Hoseok’s known Jay for almost 5 years and Mariah's been Park’s assistant since he started his label in 2013, so naturally the two of them had become friends as well! A snort left Hoseok's lips as he shook his head not even surprised. Again that was his “Little big brother” after all….

“Offff course he has..” a slight air of sarcasm cracked along his lips as he tried to fight back the smile tugging at his cheeks. Secretly loving the fact that one of his closest friends genuinely just wanted him around, as friendship was something Hoseok held dear to his heart!  Following Mariah’s lead through the lobby, grand wasn't even the right word to describe this hotel, the sound of Mariah’s heels clicking along the marble, as she lead them towards the elevator.”So on a scale of 1-10 how ready are you to quit today?” Brow arched at the implied question, as the door opened and she damn near slumped against the glass upon entering. But before she even had time to respond a ringtone comparable to the grim reaper cut through the air causing a loud cackle to erupt from Hosokes chest.

“Oh my God, please tell me that’s not Jay’s ringtone!?” Mariah couldn't even help the exasperated sigh that left her lips as she put the phone call on speaker. Not even waiting for her to say “Hello” before he spoke into the phone

“Have you-”  

“Dude stop whining like a little bitch!” playfully sliding his tongue through his teeth as he teased Jay through the speaker. Waiting for him to recognize Hoseok's voice through the phone...

“Well it’s about time your punk ass got here! And who are you calling a bitch! It’s Jay hyung to you motherfucker” This was their relationship 24/7 they gave each other shit on a consistent basis, if you actually didn't know how close they were you'd probably think the hated each other. Park brought out a different side to Hoseok and he loved it, growing up in Korea, and growing up in the states is a complete 360! Even if your parents were extremely strict and “traditional” if you will. Naturally growing up in a integrated area...your character traits adapt to the people your around. So with the two of them technically being Korean -American there wasn’t a barrier within there “vulgar, or “crude” sense of humor. There were things he could do or say around him that Hoseok wouldn't dare say around most of his Idol friends just due to the culture difference. Dramatically rolling his eyes at the sound of Jay asking for him to be called “Hyung” as he already knew he only said it to be a smart ass .

Hoseok could hear another voice in the background that he didn't recognize but it was clear it was a woman and from the sound of things she busting his balls which made Hoseok happy to no end. “Alright, man will be up there in a minute, were literally in the elevator just stop your crying for 2 seconds little big brouthers coming!” Not even waiting for him to respond before he clicked end on Mariah's phone already well aware he’d have some smartass comeback.The sound of the bell dining rang through the small space, as the glass doors slowly parted...exposing the cherry stained wood walls.

Hoseok’s curiousity getting the best of him “Who's in the room with him right now?” Glancing over his shoulder as they swiftly moved through the sea of people..walking through the halls, a amused smirked moved up her face at the question “That would be Rain….” there was a certain twang to her voice as she said your name only making Hoseok even more curious as the approached the room.

Peeping her head through the door after swiping the keycard to make sure he wasn't walking around  balls to the wind, and the minute the door cracked open, exposing the extremely spacious executive suite  the two of them could hear the the endless banter that was currently taking place. “Yeah, I’m sure they are comfortable you look like your about to take your kid to soccer practice Janice. Where the fuck’s you minivan!?” Brow arched, tone slightly elevated at the implied question, after a good oh I don't know 10 minute discussion as to why Jay was NOT wearing those particular pair of jeans with his custom jack for his performance tonight. More importantly..he hadn't even started getting ready for the night at all, as he had a rack to his left with four options to walk the carpet in because he couldn't narrow it down prior too.

“Fuck off it’s a durango not a minivan! Anddddd you could always like, I don't know sew some leather patches here ...and oh here..” Eyes almost bugging out of your sockets not even believing he was legitimately standing in the bathroom trying to get you to alter a random ass pair of jeans that looked like they’d be rejected from Goodwill...a hour before his party.

“Are you- did you- Park!” The growl accompanied in the way you said his name made his entire face crumble into it self as he laughed which let you know he was just busting your balls at this point. “Okay you know what..I’m gonna kick your ass, and take those before I burn them, I swear to god!” Huffing out in frustration as you ran your fingers rough your scalp, taking a firm grip on your roots as you held your hair in place. Eyes fluttering over to your left  following the footsteps that entered the room only for you to meet the gentleman who standing parallel to you. A smirk glossed over your lips as you acknowledged the way his eyes shameless took you in from head to toe. Your gaze almost somewhat encouraging him to continue as to be fair….you were doing the same thing to him. I guess you could lie and say it was the inner stylist in you that made you give everyone you meet a one over which is the honest truth. But if were being real, that didn't have a damn thing to with my your eyes were flicking from his lips over to his disgustingly chiseled jawline. More importantly, why did this man look so familiar..you knew him from somewhere you just..couldn't quite put your finger on it...

You watched the way his eyes admired the sinful manner in which your black leather Moschino mini dress clung to every curve on your body..more importantly the way the entire piece was held together by one single zipper than ran down the center of the dress.Letting his eyes drift over to the extremely sexy contrast of the full black and white sleeve that started at your shoulder and draped all the way down to your wrist, extending slightly onto the curve of your hand. Or maybe it was the fact that your entire presence didin’t crumble the minute he locked eyes with you. Even at first glance the aura radiating off your body had him intrigued you just looked like you could actually keep up with him, the real him.  It was insane the way a good oh I don't know, 30 seconds of eye contact between the two of you said so damn much. I guess the night will tell if he was on to something or if you were just being a little tease..which to be fair you definitely were regardless, but that’s part of the fun right?

That’s all she wrote for the sneak peek...lemme know what ya think and if your excited for the full thing which is halfway done actually thank the lordt! lol

Love you guys as always,

Rocki

[dangermousie]

Hercai ep 8

I had an epic post typed up and tumblr ate it. This is not gonna be as epic because I am exhausted from typing all of it only for it to be eaten.

But yes, here is Miran at the swings. I love that he is beginning to realize it’s his fault also that Reyyan has nowhere to go (and thanks for telling him like it is, Firat!). I love his falling apart wondering how he can get her to come back. I love that even in his rage, he won’t destroy their swing.

I wonder about the servant - she clearly knows the truth of that night and of the parentage and says nothing. I wonder why. I bet Firat is the real Aslanbey. which explain why obsessed with blood granny signed over all the property to him (because clearly she plans to leave nothing to Miran.)

The scene at the grave. Miran is heading for an epic breakdown sometime soon. This is the first time Miran is beginning to doubt the story he has been told. I bet Granny emphasized so much his mother’s death and supposed dishonor in part as a giant eff you to the mom (mom would have never wanted her kid warped by revenge) but in part because that is who Miran loved - he never mentions his dad, probably because he was a psycho like the rest of that fam. You know, once the horrible shock wears off, after Miran finds out the truth, it’s actually a good thing for him because he will actually have for a father a man who is not just alive, but is generous and loving and adored his mother (though in RL, it would be close to impossible to get over the sense that his whole life and identity have been manipulatable lies and that as a result of them he hurt innocent people.)

This scene gave me chills - like a horror movie or like watching a cult member getting programmed by the leader (please be deprogrammed soon, Miran.) He is literally begging her to stop and she won’t. She knows exactly what buttons to push because she installed them herself. You know, now that I think of it, he never really had a chance, because she’s been molding him since he was three! And clearly enjoying an appetizer for her revenge against the fam by twisting the one representative of it she had control over - he had no youth, no childhood, and the first chance he had at love and joy she twisted so that now the woman he loved justifiably hates him (and not to mention what she did to Reyyan who she knows is not a Sadoglu.) She also tried to raise him to never love anyone. My God. (You failed, crone!) Also, how creepy is it that she’s never told him any happy memories of his parents (because there weren’t any - what a horror to grow up with only the stories of your parents’ deaths). Or that she raised a child since he was 3 and never ever warmed up to him for one second (in this ep she refers to him as a snake she warmed on her bosom.) His whole identity is tied to who he really isn’t - that’s a huge mess..

The scene in the stables where he desperately tries to prevent her from getting married. Their chemistry is so on fire that if they were allowed proper make-outs, my monitor would melt. (I find it hilarious that when she asks if there is anything else he is concealing - meaning his being married to Genul, he says no and it's clearly because he’s genuinely forgotten he’s marred to Genul. Hahaha.) PS His capacity for love and tenderness definitely comes from Hazar and not the psycho clan he is in.

Their shared dream (because yes, they share dreams eeee!) I loved thathe told her in the dream everything he was not able to say in rl - that he fell for her, that he regrets what he did, that he hasn’t been happy for a moment since he left her in that hut.

But she leaves anyway, and he is left collapsed and scrabbling at the door. You know, this show has convinced me that she can survive their separation but he cannot - he would literally die if he can't have her (last time I got that feeling was from a kdrama New Tales of the Gisaeng which, ironically, also had a plot of the hero hurting the woman he loves and then spending eps and eps paying.)

Yesss! Miran telling granny it was wrong to go after an innocent woman and he should have gotten revenge on the guilty party and not his daughter. He is beginning to see the cracks in his granny’s image and think for himself! (Just as his earlier realization it’s his fault Reyyan is in the situation she is in.) PS Granny was literally egging him on in the brainwashing scene to kill Hazar, knowing full well Hazar is his father and planning to reveal the family truth at some point - she wants to get a man kill his own father! THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT ******?!

He really looks like he can finally breathe in this scene, when he finds out Reyyan is not getting married. (I just realized that Gul is his half-sister, which awwwwww.)

I love this so much - they were so happy, they were glowing. I think the reason he was able to fool her he was in love with her was precisely because it wasn’t a lie at all.

He tells them he has come to get his wife! OMG MIRAN YOU ARE INSANE!!!! Honestly, he seems to have genuinely forgotten the marriage was fake and he is already married. (Probably because he fees married to Reyyan in his heart, but still OMG Miran.) I hope this is where Reyyan tells him she knows he is married. (I bet granny married him off so as there would be no chance of him easily making the fake marriage real. I do wonder why she doesn’t care for Genul - maybe because she hates the mom? She loves Elif after all.)

Yup, Granny’s whole plan is to use Miran to destroy the Sadoglus and then reveal the truth of his parentage so everyone will say Miran Sadoglu ended his own family. YOU ARE INSANE!!! But that explains why she did the fake marriage and all - this would be part of revenge but also help destroy Miran himself. I kept wondering why she didn’t care he revenge was wrecking her grandson’s life from the beginning and it’s clear - torturing him is part of her revenge. She’s been breaking him down since he was 3 and enjoying it. Honestly, if he revenge plays out the way she wants, the one destroyed the most would be Miran himself. He literally could not live with something like that - who could? It turns out he is even more of a victim than Reyyan in all this insanity, and if it wasn’t for his genetics (aka two loving sane parents), there would no no hope for him. As is - he is going to have no sense of self, no family, no money, only guilt and regret and utter sense of unmooring from reality as everything in his life has been a lie. And that’s not even getting into what happens if he doesn’t find out Reyyan is adopted right away.

This is all a lot less than I had but I have zero energy to retype what initially took me over an hour. 

[koltarmi]

things i noticed/liked/thought while i was watching anastasia live ver 2.0

This past summer, I got the chance to go see Anastasia again and was lucky enough to see it with a whole new cast! At that point, Zach Adkins had become the principal Dmitry, Molly Rushing was Anya, Ken Krugman was Vlad, Max Von Essen was Vlad, Lily was Vicki Lewis, and the Dowager was Janet Dickson. 

Details are below:

Act 1

Kelli Youngman did an extra twirl trailing behind the rest of the Romanov sisters

Dima sounds real pissed especially in the beginning of he song. He gave off a kind of old movie conman vibe with the attitude and accent in "A rumour"

Ken did some preening in "a rumour" when talking about hobnobbing with the Royals

Dmitry yells "WE'LL BE OUT.” in the attitude one would say, "BYE, WE OUT BITCHES”

My first crush ever was on the animated Dmitry solely because of that belt on "the biggest con in  history" gave me chills every damn time. I was so pleased that Derek exceeded my expectations and I was always worried no one else could compare, but damn was I wrong because Zach did as equally well on that.

Instead of raising a chair in defence, Dimitry hides behind the couch he was lounging on.

Zach's Dimitry doesn't have the biting sarcasm of Derek's version, which is great. Who would want to watch the same performance after all? It's softer and he drawls his witty remarks which still have the same amount of sting as Derek's Dmitry who's remarks are quick and blunt.

Ken's Vlad does this over the top bow when he introduces himself to Anya.

Molly's version of Anya and Zach's version of Dimitry reminded me more of the dynamic between the two in the movie.

MOLLY'S VOICE WHEN SHE SINGS "In My Dreams” 😍😍😍😍

When Vlad teaches Anya how to walk properly, she sticks her arms and out and sort of bounces along which Vlad then mocks doing the flappy arm thing from “Paris Holds the Key”

Ken's Vlad adds a lilting tone to the end of some sentences giving them a touch of humour.

Anya's breakdown in “Learn to Do It” is not teary. In fact, it's the complete opposite. She is absolutely pissed off.

Vlad does a tsking sound when Dimitry tries to argue with Anya while she's angry.

When Dmitry steps on Anya's foot while they're dancing, Vlad looks so exasperated and says, “Just... just...just...” cue loud sigh. 

When Anya kicks Dmitry's shin, a scolding voice.

The third time around he takes in a deep breath and counts in a higher pitched tone. 

Dmitry looks so offended when Vlad says Russian was for common folks like him. 

The Russian telephone that works line he chuckled for a long time before realizing oh fuck his boss didn't find that funny.

When Anya is brought in, MVE's Gleb doesn't use intimidation. He acts more like the good cop.

When he does realize who he's talking to. His demeanour changes and he stutters before dismissing the officers with a wave of his hand and a "eep" like noise (this is like the best I can describe it).

After he says it's the uniform and the office that make the bad impression, he proves it by plastering on a wide grin.

In the last refrain of “The Neva Flows”, Anya sings the refrain along with him playing the part of a loyal comrade who knows better now, except she stops when he sings, “The Tsar lies cold”.

The drunk guys aren't as excited when they tell that the Tsar is drinking his vodka in hell. Instead the sorta half mumble and sound tired.

Love the way James Peirce says, “Girrrrrrrrrlfriend” and how the group of them sway in a circle to look at Anya.

Molly chasing after those guys while screaming was adorable and hilarious.

In the beginning of “My Petersburg”, for the first few verses Zach sort of says-sings them, belts on the first “Petersburg” then goes in to full force singing into “I've bartered for a blanket/stolen for my bread”.

At the end of the first verse, he nods his head forward and tells Anya, “Come on.”

Zach growls the line “rough company” and holy shit i was shook.

Why did they cut Anya and Dimitry singing “You and I on the fly/just in time” I love it so much.

His response to Anya when she says that neither of them has a family is so earnest it hurts me. Derek's Dmitry says it hesitantly almost forgetting he's conned Anya into this, while Zach's Dimitry is softer and assures her that her family is waiting for her in Paris and I honestly don't which interpretation I like better because I love both of them.

The tone he uses when he tells Anya the object she's holding a music box is exactly the same when he tells her it's broken and that made the audience chuckle.

When Anya opens the music box, Dmitry throws his hands up, rolls his eyes in exasperation, and walks away when Anya opens up the music box on her first try. 'Of fucking course she got it open on her first try,’

When he asks her how she opened it, he sounds more curious than he does confused.

The seats we had this time were way closer to the projections on the wall and holy shit, they look even more magical up close that I wanted to touch them. 

My sister teared up by the end of “Once Upon a December” because the song made her so sad and nostalgic at the same time. 

Dmitry sounds so regretful when he tells Anya that they don't have enough to get out of Russia.

They drop a coin when Dmitry tries to give Anya back her money and for the rest of the scene and the next one, I kept worrying someone would slip on it. 

When she talks about how stubborn Dmitry is she says the part about him being almost as stubborn like her in a somewhat bragging tone.

Molly's singing when during the little reprise of “In My Dreams” about the diamond is just absolutely gorgeous.

Man, Constantine Germancos and the rest of the ensemble singing “Stay, I Pray You” gives me chills everytime. Hearing it live is just so much more gut wrenching than the album. For the first stay, I pray you, he holds the word “stay” a little.longer and DAMN.

Anya rolls her eyes and gets up to walk around the train when Vlad says he loved the diamond studded watch more than Lily.

Lyrica Woodruff and Kristen Smith-Davies made a really an exaggerated motion of scooting over when Zach had one foot on the bench that got a chuckle out of a few people.

Anya slides off the top of the bench she's sitting on when the train comes to a sudden stop.

When the jump off the train the scene turns black, but for some reason this time the lighting from the two offices (Gleb's and his superior officer's, which was on stage right) made it bright enough that you could see Molly, Zach, and Ken hurry offstage

MVE's “Still” 👌🔥✔👌✔👌👌🔥✔🔥🔥🔥👌

When Vlad says that Anya will break his heart, he laughs it off. But when Vlad tells her how he'll never see her if she's accepted as the real Anastasia, the realization of his friend's warning hits him like a ton of bricks.

TBH, a little disappointed Dmitry didn't bound offstage like a young goat, he just ran.

Molly's smile is absolutely radiant when she finishes “Journey to the Past”.

Act 2

Vlad's shaggy beard is gone when they change into their fancy Paris clothes.

Zach is a much better dancer than Derek. The boy's talent lies in his voice not his coordination while Zach seems to be a better balance between vocal power and dance. 

The look Anya and Dmitry shared as they circled each other was goddamn magnetic and when he offers a hand to dance and she gets twirled away by someone else the look on his face is so disappointed that it wrecked me. 

Molly's “Crossing a Bridge” is so full of hope it makes me emotional. Her voice singing that song is so pure???!! Like that's the only way I feel describes it correctly.

I don't remember if Christy did this, but when Vlad announces he's going to try find Lily, Anya reaches up to neaten Vlad's bowtie in a good luck gesture of sorts.

Vicki Lewis' Lily is not as comedic as Caroline O'Connor's. She has much more serious and drier humour, which perfectly compliments Ken's Vlad.

The best way I can describe it is Vicki's Lily is basically a Vodka Aunt ™

This Count Leopold is less slimy more pompous.

MBP's Dowager is full of grieving and sadness while Janet's Dickson's is tired and bitter. Also the way she drags the word “Cleaveland” with disgust was pretty funny. 

The way she sings “tell them/no more” she really puts emphasis on the “no more” which makes her sound so defeated. 

At the entrance of the Neva Club, Lily says this to the doorman after greeting her a good evening: “The only good thing it means there's one day less.” She then laughs and says she's being Russian and with a deadpan expression and tone she looks out to the audience and says, “I love life.”  which is such a big mood. 

When everyone is passed out at the Neva Club during “Land of Yesterday”, Vicki's Lily is dancing and drinking from an empty vodka bottle without hands before she wakes them all up by belting a high note.

When Lily and Vlad go outside to talk and she acts cold to him, she very purposefully drops her handkerchief and Vlad rushes to pick it up.

During “The Countess and the Common Man”  when Lily says she loved him, Vlad pauses for a few seconds looking for the right words to say before hesitantly replying, “You loved me,” which got a chuckle out of the audience.

The two really drew out the part where they're exhausted. Vlad was finding his pulse while Lily took a breath and stretched. 

Ken and Vicki really went at it. Like she straight up was feeling up his butt. 

The part where he belts “the Common Man”, Vicki wrapped herself around his leg which made them look like the cover of bodice-ripper harlequin novel. 

MVE's reprise of “Land of Yesterday” The man has a voice like velvet. 

When Dmitry rushes in to reassure Anya, he sounds so genuine and honest. It's clear he's head over heels in love with her and he's forgotten the whole thing is a con. 

After Dmitry sings his part in “In a Crowd of Thousands” Anya scoots a little closer to him when he sits back down at the bed. 

BOTH MOLLY AND ZACH'S VOICES IN THE SONG MY GOD, IT MADE THE AUDIENCE FELT LIKE THEY WERE INTRUDING ON A PRIVATE MOMENT.  

So when Anya sings that young Dmitry was “not too clean”, Derek used to act jokingly offended but Zach's Dmitry is just so enraptured by Anya telling her side of the story he's just smiling at her the whole time like wow pro tip get yourself a zach's version in Dmitry who looks so lovingly at Molly's Anya cause that's true love. 

That loving smile becomes a look of shock, confusion, and the slightest bit of hope when Anya goes, “And then he bowed.”

I LOVR THE WAY MOLLY SAYS, “You didn't have to. I remember.” It's not surprise or shock at the sudden memory. She says it like a fact. Water is wet, fire is hot, the sky is blue, and I remember the boy on the street who made me smile, it was you. It's been you all this time.

The rush towards each other, so utterly happy, but then Zach's Dimitry suddenly realizes what's he doing and freezes. He pulls away from Anya and that look on his voice is so similar to the look he had in PHTK when she gets spun away from him. 

So I timed this as soon as they walked offstage, Zach had about 55 seconds to change while Molly had about 70 seconds to change.

Quartet of the Ballet, man. The lyrics are the same, but sung by different people who have different interpretations of the same characters is whole new damn experience. 

Zach and Max's voices went really well together and I want a duet between them immediately. 

In “Everything to Win”, Zach sings beautifully and then says "wHY PANIC NOW??” and resumes his lovely singing which got a chuckle out of the audience. Boi looked like he was gonna lose his goddamn mind. 

When Anya comes out, he asks her in a hopeful voice, “What happened?” and her stoic facial expression turns into one of complete and utter betrayal and anger.

The confrontation between Maria and Dmitry is a totally different tone, because neither them holds back and basically yells in the other's face.

“I was hungry and desperate when I met you, but I wasn't dishonest. I hate you for that.” She says the last sentence so quietly you can almost miss it, but damn if that doesnt hurt I don't know what would because we've seen an annoyed, violent, and angry Anya. This quiet anger and betrayal is so much worse.

When they're back in the hotel and Anya is packing her things, she throws the doll Dmitry bought her and it falls to the ground. And when she's ripping  Vlad a new one, she rips the medallion looking thingy from his suit and throws it on the ground.

Again, Janet's Maria is again tired and bitter and it really shows in the scene between her and Anya.

When Maria and Anya hug, Dmitry is in the background, the doll she threw away in his hand.

Just like in “Land of Yesterday”, Vicki's Lily belts a high note to silence the press in “The Press Conference”

The confrontation between Anya and Gleb is just so intense. He tries playing the good cop card again, when it's clear she won't fall for it, he becomes more clear with his threats. 

I remember seeing video of Christy adding this move in The Neva Flows Reprise where she falls back into the chair and Molly does it as well, she backs up into the chair as if this conversation physically hurts her and pushes her back, defeated into the chair, head slumped.

When he demands one last time, who she is, we see the Anya we know and love return in full force. Her head and spine that was slumped straightens as she stares him down and walks toward right into his gun, proudly declaring that she is The Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevena Romanov.

And it seems her confidence and courage in her identity weakens Gleb's. His hand shakes as he points the gun at her chest. He tries to point it at her head, but that just weakens his resolve and he crumples into the ground, dropping his gun. (If I haven't made it clear, I fucking love MVE's interpretation of Gleb)

The whole conversation between the two after this is softer and filled with quiet understanding and regret. And they part as comrades both knowing the truth.

The way Zach's Dmitry says, "I don't want to be in love with someone I can't have," is so bitter like he believes that now that Anya is proven to be Anastasia he will never be worthy of her love, which he is 110% wrong.

Molly's Anya says the line about her first kiss with a prince like a fact. 

When they kiss, Dmitry is shocked like his wildest dreams has come true before he realizes this is real and just gently kisses her back.

[inevera13]

All I Want For Christmas Is Stability (MLB Secret Santa Exchange)

For @annfree , happy holidays!!

AO3 - Six years after graduating high school, Marinette and Alya, amongst most of their old classmates, find themselves in a Christmas party hosted by Chloé. Life seems to be running smoothly...for almost everyone. Sometimes you just need to have a little breakdown!

"Well...the decorations are lovely," Alya commented hesitantly while Marinette and her looked around at the room covered in gold, "they're really, um, festive."

Marinette sighed, she really didn't want to be there, celebrating Christmas in a room full of people she either didn't know or didn't know anymore. She had tried to keep in contact with the people from her middle school and high school days, but as time passed what little contact they had kept thinning until it was none at all. All of them were now around 24 years old, just like her, and six years changed people, maybe not enough to make this a shocking experience (she was an adult, dammit!) but Marinette couldn't help but feel a little...jarred. 

"There are so many people here, Alya, where did Chloé even find all these people?" The panicked girl whispered.

"Mari! Don't be like that! Give this party a chance."

"I'm trying!" 

Alya sighed, "okay, listen, I feel you. And I'm sorry I dragged you here, but I really do think it'll do you good to get out of the house for a bit. Ever since the breakup, you've been holed up in there..."

"Alya, do you even realize that he's probably gonna be here?" Marinette asked flatly.

"Well...yes. But it's time you face him!"

"I think you should have let me decide for myself."

"I'm sorry." A pause, "but! You came, didn't you? I know that if you really didn't want to come, you wouldn't have."

"Well...! I was just curious! But I'm starting to deeply regret it... Maybe I should just go home, I'm not doing anything here anyway and-" Marinette was cut off by someone patting her on the back with considerable strength. She had half a mind to roundhouse kick whoever had tried to attack her but recognized Kim's voice before she could make the night even worse.

"Hey girls! Long time no see!" 

"Hi, Kim!" Alya greeted pleasantly, "how're things?"

"Well, pretty good! I'm getting married in like two months, the opening of our gym went amazing...things are really working out so far. How about you?"

Marinette giggled nervously, she really didn't want to talk about how her life was going. Her online store was faring well, but besides that everything felt like a train wreck about to happen right in front of her eyes, and she didn't know how to stop it. 

"Going great too! I'm working on a big story right now," Alya smiled. "Can't wait to see you guys getting married though! Are Alix and Max here too?"

"Yeah! They're off...somewhere," he laughed. "You, Marinette? Everything okay?"

The girl froze, champagne glass halfway to her lips, "oh, uh, hah, you know...things are going, uh, smooth..."

He nodded, looking entirely like he didn't know, "I see. Anyway, good seeing you two, it really has been a while! We should meet up sometime before the wedding! You guys take care, see you!" Kim finished, walking away to talk to someone else.

The three of them knew that wouldn't happen.

"Mariboo, my girl, my babe...you know I love you anyway, right? But you have to get it together, girl," Alya spoke softly, like she might hurt her, and it only made her feel a lot worse.

"I-I know. And I will." She just didn't feel like that would happen right now. Her friend nodded at her solemnly, "I know."

It had been a rough month, a rough year really, but she would pull through, even if everything felt incredibly overwhelming at the moment. 

Alya shook her arm, "oh, look!"

Marinette looked. At the entrance, stood Adrien, someone who she hadn't seen in a long, long time, but still missed dearly. She had gotten over her crush (somewhat) but what she felt for him ran deeper, the admiration and love she had for him never faded, so it sent a tingle down her back to see him again. She didn't think she could ever tire of looking at him, at his kind eyes and soft smile.

She wasn't entirely sure why they had stopped hanging out, after all he and Nino were still friends, but Alya, the girlfriend herself, said she didn't get to see Adrien much either. He was a busy person after all, what with his job as a teacher and as a part-time model for Gabriel.

"Oh, wow. It's been a long time since I've seen him, hasn't it?" She sighed. Alya rolled her eyes, "yes, it has. I see the crush coming back already."

"Don't even start, I don't have time for any kind of crush right now." She really didn't, which would absolutely not stop said crush from secretly reblossoming.

There was a clinking sound.

"Everyone!" Chloé's called dramatically through a microphone she held while standing on top of a large stage where a band played softly. "I would like to thank you for coming to my Christmas ball. Now that the guest of honor has arrived, we can really get this party going!" Chloé laughed and winked at Adrien, "he's a hero after all." 

Marinette glanced at Adrien, noticing that he looked nervous - something that didn't usually happen to him - and frowned. 

"What does she even mean 'a hero'...?" 

"Who knows? I feel like Chloé has been getting progressively weirder." 

"She really has," an amused voice spoke from behind them, making both girls jump. 

"Jesus, Sabrina! Don't do that!" Alya choked out, clutching her chest while Marinette laughed it out. 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you! I guess I have light feet," she smiled. 

"Sabrina, hi! You really do! It's been so long, how have things been going these past few years?" Marinette asked, trying to cover up the fact that she had been bad-mouthing Sabrina's (ex?) best friend just a few seconds ago. 

The girl, standing confidently and clad in a beautiful turquoise gown, gave them a knowing smile, "oh, it's been great! I'm still studying, so I'm trying to focus on that. I also have some projects on the side... I can say I'm happy with my life, you know? And you, girls! Update me!" 

Marinette once again found herself sipping nervously from her (second) champagne glass, letting Alya take on the conversation as she tried to make herself look smaller. 

***

"When does Nino get here, anyway?" Marinette asked, exasperatedly, "I really wanna go sleep in the car, Alya." 

"Yeah, he's late... Shouldn't take much longer, though. You know how his boss has been running him ragged, working up to being a lawyer is even harder than I thought..." 

Marinette released a shaky sigh, "I'm gonna go to the bathroom, okay?" 

Alya nodded and she went off, hoping not to find anyone else that wanted to ask her how her life was going since graduating high school. She was already on her fourth glass of champagne and she expected to start feeling them some time. After leaving the bathroom, Marinette felt better. She had splashed a little water on her makeup-less cheeks and given herself a pep talk, she was ready to-

Did- Did someone just spill their drink all over her?

Yes. 

"Oh-! Oh my God, Marinette, I am so sorry!" Adrien looked at her, horrified.

Marinette had to repress a groan because of fucking course it had to be him. Instead, she tried to put on a sane looking smile while pointedly not looking down at her now ruined red gown. 

"Uh, hi Adrien...it's okay, honestly." She made an attempt at laughing it off, "sucks that we had to meet like this after spending so long without seeing each other, but i'll take what I can get."

"It really does," he started, rubbing the back of his neck. "And - obviously - i'll pay for whatever damage I caused! I really am sorry."

That dress was one of her originals and Marinette knew that stain would never, ever, leave. "It's fine, Adrien! I know it was an accident," this time her smile was more real, he was too endearing...

"I'm just gonna go try and do some damage control..." She said, motioning for the bathroom. She knew there was nothing she could do for the dress at this point, but at least she could go bang her head against a wall for a few minutes and pretend like everything was okay.

"Oh, uh, sure! Do you mind if I wait for you so we can catch up?"

And the look he directed at her was so genuinely hopeful that she just couldn't say no.

***

So that was how Marinette now found herself alone with Adrien in a huge balcony, after months of mutual silence.

"So!" Adrien almost shouted into the silent night, making them both wince, "how have things been?"

Marinette had been expecting this question, she really had! She had been bracing herself for it. It wasn't like she hadn't been asked the same thing a hundred times that night. 

But this...this was different. It was Adrien, who she knew had a special place in her heart, no matter what. And they were alone, and it was so quiet out here and, frankly, she was starting to get cold...

"Hey...hey, Mari? I'm sorry," he moved closer to hug her and she realized that, yes, she was crying like a baby. 

It only made her angrier. She still hadn't seen Nath - which she had been mentally preparing for for two whole days - Nino was late, and all she wanted was to cuddle Alya on the couch while watching some stupid re-run on TV. She definitely didn't want any of whatever this was! None of this crying in her high school crush's arms in a stupidly big balcony bullshit - in a ruined dress, no less!

"I'm sorry Mari..."

"Why the hell are you sorry?" She spat out. "You don't even know any of what happened for me to be like this, I'm just being dramatic, just- leave me alone, I feel so pathetic..."

But she missed Chat Noir, and she was angry at Nath, and upset over everything, and, frankly, she felt exhausted. She felt like her career was going nowhere. Despite the store not going bad, it also wasn't doing great enough to sustain her. Not that it mattered, who had time for eating when you had to work on commissions, anyway? She missed Tikki forcing her to eat, she even missed Chat's stupid puns. She looked up at Adrien then, remembering that his own father was Hawkmoth, and felt even more pathetic. Here she was, crying in the arms of someone who was probably suffering a lot more than her.

Marinette dabbed at her cheeks with the calloused pads of her fingers, "I'm really sorry. I drank a little too much and I'm being a brat. I really need to get some sleep before I chew someone's head off..."

"Don't say that. What you're feeling is valid, Marinette. Your feelings are no less than mine, or anyone else's. Everyone's allowed to be in a bad mood once in a while. I've never seen you spreading anything if not love, positivity, and kindness..." he paused, still looking into her eyes. "It's okay that you're having a rough time, it doesn't mean it'll last forever. And I know you probably know that, but if it were me, I would like to be reassured so...this is me reassuring you," he smirked.

"We all get overwhelmed sometimes, doesn't make us any less strong. Cry away, scream at me all you want. I promise I'll even like it! I know it would be helping you. I'm in a good place, and I like to try bringing as many people up with me as I can when that happens."

He said all of this with a soft smile on his face, and with such understanding in his eyes, that it made Marinette feel like throwing up. Instead, she just cried harder, and for a long time. She didn't know how long, but enough for her throat to feel raw.

When she finally stopped, her eyes feeling strangely dry and her insides feeling empty, Adrien was still holding onto her, and for a moment he reminded her so much of Chat that she just let the confession escape her.

"I just really miss him..."

He hesitated for a few moments, "who?"

"Chat Noir. I really, really miss him. And you know what's even more upsetting? That that's genuinely the most bothersome, painful thing in my life right now," she inhaled deeply before letting it all out again in one heavy exhale, trying to rid herself of the feeling of heaviness.

Adrien looked at her with something akin to wonder in his expression. For a moment he just stared, his lips slowly parting, making Marinette a little uncomfortable, "Adrien...?"

Then...recognition and disbelief.

"Boy..." he exclaimed breathlessly, "do I have some news for you..."

A big thank you to @mlsecretsanta for making this exchange possible!

[thirstyfortom]

RFA + V and Saeran react to overhearing MC's family scold her because they despise who she's dating? Maybe they think they aren't successful and responsible enough or not loyal or trustworthy or feel like MC deserves far better than what she's getting our of them? Specifically I'd like to see Saeyoung's reaction given his insecurities.

And we’re back! Did you guys miss some scenarios?

Hope you like this! ^^

RFA + Saeran and V finding MC’s family disapproval

Zen

“Sweetie,I just think he’s playing with you.”

He heard that coming from your father when youtwo were washing the dishes in the kitchen, Zen noticed you two forgot a plateand was bringing it to the kitchen.

 “Andwhat makes you think that, dad?” “Well, he’s handsome, I bet he has tons ofwomen running after him. Maybe famous women? What makes you think he won’t dumpyou for some famous actress? He’s a public figure, honey, his image iseverything. Plus… he sounds shallow like that.”

Shallow?Zen could deal with being called narcissist, workaholic, but… shallow? He wassounding shallow to your father?

Hewanted to walk into the kitchen, maybe subtly, maybe not. He wish he had somereally witty and smart statement to give so your father would realize he wasn’tjust image

Andhe was about to step into the kitchen when he finally heard your voice: “If hesounds shallow, maybe you didn’t pay attention enough to what he was saying,dad. Have you listened to his story? His problems with his family? The way hestruggled when he started his career as an actor? Have you heard when he toldyou how much he loves me and how guilty he feels that we’re still not married?Come on, dad. Either you weren’t listening, or you don’t know what shallowmeans.”

 “But,honey…” “His family is broken enough, dad. Let’s not break ours too justbecause you’re seeing Zen as just another actor, not as the man I chose toshare my life with.”

Zencould almost cry right there. How did he manage to find someone who can see sodeep inside him? Yeah, he definitely likes being known for his looks, but thefact you see beyond them is really overwhelming.

Whenyou two are saying goodbye to your father, he gives a firm handshake to theman.  “I hope we can spend more timetogether, sir.”

“Iwould like that a lot. I see you have a bike, what brand is it?” that goodbyeturned into a long conversation about bikes, which was super boring to you, butseeing them bonding was worth it.

Yoosung

“Ihonestly thought it was a joke when you introduced him as your boyfriend, sis.”

Heheard when you and your sister were in your bedroom trying to find somethingfor you to wear, Yoosung accidentally spilled wine on you.

“Shutup.” “No, I’m serious! What are you thinking, MC? He seems like a teenage mama’sboy. Look at what he did to your shirt, he’s so clumsy and… nerve-wracking! You’llhave to play his mommy all the time!”

Well,it’s not like he haven’t thought about himself like that before, but listeningwhen it comes from another person, that person being someone who grew up withyou hurts a lot more.

Hisfirst instinct was head out of there without anybody noticing he’s gone. But…then your sister would be completely right.

“Hejust spilled wine on me because his spatial notion is still a little compromiseddue to his eye. Have I told you he hurt his eye trying to protect me, sis? Andyeah, he’s still a little nervous because he doesn’t know my family too well,but your hostility definitely won’t help him calming down. If you’ weren’t sucha bitch, maybe you would have noticed by now he’s an amazing smart man thatmakes me really happy.”

“Youjust called me a bitch because of that guy?” “I did, just so you know howserious I am about him, to the point I’m fighting with my favorite person inthe world.”

Well,he’s glad he didn’t run and stayed to listen to this. You made him sound like areally cool reliable guy, the type of man he’s trying to be for you.

Afteryou and your sister go back to the living room, she makes sure to sit next toyou two. “So wait… you asked her to be your pre-girlfriend before you gottogether? Oh my God, that’s so adorable…”

Thenyou two kept squealing over that photo of his with the roses, and though he’ssuper embarrassed, he couldn’t help feeling a little smug when your sister said”Huh, I wish my boyfriend were like this.”

Jaehee

“Sheseems a little cold, MC. Are you sure she really likes you?”

Sheheard when you and your brother were setting the table while she was talking toyour parents in the living room, she decided she needed to help as well.

“Ugh,don’t even start, bro.” “I’m not saying this to be an ass! Come on, MC, she’sso formal! She’s almost like a granny, you’ll get bored if you stay with her!This if she doesn’t dump you first, she seems cold like that.”

 Youwarned her about your brother’s brutal honesty, but this still felt unexpectedlyhurtful.

Shewas really trying to loosen up, and she honestly felt she was doing a good job,at least next to you and to your friends, maybe she wasn’t and people close toyou were feeling she wasn’t real about your relationship?

“She’sbeen working her ass off on a very strict company basically since shegraduated, she’s still learning to loosen up. You would have noticed this ifyou weren’t so desperate about finding something to complain about mygirlfriend, as you typically do.”

“Jeez,MC, calm down! I’m just worried for you.” “I appreciate it, but you’re the oneboring me right now, let’s end this before I stop feeling bored and end upgetting angry.”

Shecan’t help feeling this warmth growing inside her. Knowing that you are willingto fight for her like this is amazing! Not only because she never had thatbefore, but also because it’s you.

Yourbrother decides to talk a little more to her. “Whooooa, so you’re a judoblackbelt? That’s awesome! You gotta teach me some moves!”

Well,giving this guy an ippon after he pissed you off would satisfy her more thanshe cared to admit.

Jumin

“Areyou sure this is a healthy relationship, honey?”

 Yourmother asked you when you two were making dinner while he was setting thetable, as you asked him, but he didn’t know where to find the forks.

 “Whatdo you mean, ma?” “I mean, he seems so intimidating and, everything ishappening so fast, you barely know each other and are already engaged, he seemsvery intense, for that matter.”

Well,he was indeed very intense, but… intimidating? He never wanted to come acrossas intimidating, not to you, not to the woman who raised you.

Was he intimidating you to the point you werefeeling pressured to get married?

 “Mom,I know what you’re trying to say. He’s not like dad, okay? Yes, he is veryintense, just because he never had the chance to express his feelings like allof us do.“

“Well,your father wasn’t good at expressing feelings either, then he expressed withactions…” “Ma, Jumin would never hurt me, emotionally or physically. I know youmight be thinking I’m on a cycle, that I have daddy issues, but… just give hima chance, okay? Let him prove he is nothing like my father.”

Hewas really sad for you and your mother. Two amazing women were suffering due toa man’s behavior, this was awful in so many levels…

Hewalks into the kitchen, pretending he didn’t hear a thing. “Why don’t you justrest while MC and I cook, maam?”

“Ohwow, what a gentleman… nothing like her father.” He smiled genuinely, neitherof the women were feeling intimidated by that smile.

Saeyoung

“Yourmother and I think you deserve better.”

Yourfather says when you were helping him changing a light bulb, Saeyoung decidedto help when he heard this.

“Whywould you think that, dad?” “Sweetie, he’s a train wreck! He’s immature, irresponsible,you told me how rude he acted with you. How can you be sure he won’t startpushing you away again?”

Ofcourse he knew how immature and irresponsible he was, but he never reallythought about what if he started getting snappy to you again. He promised hewouldn’t, but… was he good at keeping promises? Ask his brother.

 Ifhe had any good sense, he would walk away and pretend he didn’t listen to anyof this. He was already immature and irresponsible, he didn’t need o be nosy aswell.

“Hejust pushed me away because he was worried and pretty sure he would die at anymoment back then, dad. He was scared, he’s been scared his whole life! Have Itold you what kind of hell he and his brother grew up at?”

“Sweetie,it still doesn’t justify…” “It does to me. He is scared and willing to changefor me, I know that because I trust him. Can’t you trust the man your daughterloves? Not even a little?”

Well,if you asked him anything with that tone, he would oblige without thinking… ugh,you’re so sweet, so lovely, so caring… he can never push you away again! Not rightnow his life is so great with you and his brother, but it isn’t perfect, sinceyour parents don’t like him…

“I’llbe honest with you, son. I still don’t trust you, but my daughter does and shenever failed her judgments, that, and only because of that, I’ll give you thebenefit of the doubt.” You looked at him and smiled.

“Thankyou, sir. I’ll prove it will be worth it.” Not so immature and irresponsibleright now, is he?

Saeran

“MC,listen to me, this guy is trouble!”

Heheard this through the baby monitor when you and your sister went to check onher son.

“Whyare you saying this?” “MC, he is… creepy! Are you dating him to punish dad?Look at him, he looks like he’s on the edge of a mental breakdown! Are you sureyou want to play his nurse forever?”

Hewasn’t on the edge of a mental breakdown! At least not now… at least not sinceyou came along, but there were a few says, though…

Yoursister is so right! He’s so weird and creepy, he doesn’t deserve you at all!Why did he even think he could handle trying to be normal and do normal thingswith you?

“I’mnot playing his nurse! I like to help him because I love him, and he had mentalbreak downs in the past, you would have too if you were locked up and forced todrugs after growing up with an abusive mother. All he needs is support and aloving family, not this… judgment from you!”

“MC,calm down, I was just…” “I know you’re concerned, but focus your concern onhelping me give him what he needs. If you have nothing else nice to say, don’tsay anything at all.”

Saerandidn’t hear any of this, he hid in the bathroom when you two left the bay’sbedroom and kept talking as you walked into the living room.

Thenyou two heard the baby crying through the baby monitor, but he quickly stopped,you two found it odd and went to check on him.

Hewas fine, Saeran was holding him. “Am… Am I doing this right?” Making yours andyour sister’s heart explode from sweetness? Yep, he was doing this right.

V

“Whatare you even thinking dating this guy, MC?”

Yourbrother asked you when V went to the toilet, he got lost and tried to get backto ask your brother where was it, exactly.

“Whatdo you mean?” “I mean, he’s an old blind man, MC! You’re wasting your youth witha guy like this, he won’t be able to keep it up with you!”

Valready thought about it, yes, you were so young, did you really need to takesuch a responsibility by dating him?

Andthat coming from your brother, who sounded so worried… he hated being a burdenand provoking this arguing between two family members…

“He’sjust one year older than you, so chill. And what century are we in? Do youthink just because he’s blind, he’s not able to have a normal life? Dude, we’replanning a trip to Italy for my birthday, I think that’s pretty normal, don’tyou?”

 “MC,take I easy, I’m just…” “You’re concerned, but you don’t have to.  He’s pretty good by himself, and he’sindependent, he doesn’t need me, yet he wants me, and I want him, so there’snothing for you to worry about.”

Heneeded you, maybe not to do things for him, yes. But he needed you because heloved you, and he was so happy that you were so sure about him not being aburden.

Youwere saying goodbye, when your brother said: “I’m sorry, dude.”

“Ifyou want to apologize, apologize for stressing her out. As for me, don’t worry,I’ll make sure to bring you a gift from Italy as a peace offer.”

[thenightisland]

explanations/updates under the cut

i haven’t been able to maintain much in the way of interaction with most of the people i care about, also haven’t been able to do much more than get out of bed every day because it’s one thing to be depressed and another to have just had such a goddamn terrible few months that there’s no way your antidepressants can keep up with all the awful

i already had several weeks without my second in command because she’s cursed and had to have another surgery. our unit lost two of our main techs (for new people inexplicably reading this, i charge a locked acute psychiatric ward, and losing techs is a /massive/ loss). the admin demons have been instituting various new things that have been having terrible effects on the units which i won’t get into because that would be a really really long explanation with a lot of jargon in it. one of the things though is the fact that the “do not readmit” list has been low key thrown out the window, so all the pts who were on that list /with good fucking reason/ are of course, now coming back, and spoiler alert they’re just as terrible still.

this one bookstore closed which sounds stupid as fuck but that place was the closest thing i had to a church and it literally kept me alive when i was in high school like i say that completely without exaggeration so it closing was the equivalent of someone hacking off one of my limbs because it was still the main place i went to when i was upset and wanted to feel less miserable and i don’t have it anymore and you wouldn’t believe how hard it is like imagine if your church got demolished or whatever you believe in like it destroyed me and i feel unmoored i don’t have that safe space feeling now because it’s gone

meanwhile the person i spent seven years of my life in love with had a baby with the boyfriend she described as Guy Karen, named me godmother of their firstborn son, and unknowingly made his middle name the pen name i’ve used for a decade because fucking of course this might as well fucking happen too. but i have other romantic bullshit going on now that’s honestly fucking me up worse.

also somehow i still can’t escape a little life like it has haunted me every waking moment since march 2016 and i hate how much i am like the protagonist and it’s kind of fucking with me??????

a fucking garbage man bashed off the side mirror on my car which i still haven’t had the fucking time to get fixed that was great

spent my whole vacation anxious having panic attacks like what is the point in having a long vacation if you’re going to be constantly stressed over nothing like goddammit can’t i just have this

within the last month and a half five people i know have died. three of them were our patients which like doesn’t sound like a thing that would cause that much distress, but due to the nature of our unit, we’re the only family a lot of our career patients have most of our pts are homeless, schizophrenic, intellectually disabled, just plain unwanted people of varying illnesses, like we literally look after the people no one else wants so when we hear one of Our Patients has died it fucks us up so badly. and it’s even worse because it’s not like they died in their sleep or something all of them have been post-discharge suicides like our work already feels like a revolving door exercise in futility because that’s the nature of the field unfortunately but it still hurts like i spend forty hours or more a week with these people i literally see them than i see my friends and family our patients are mostly so close to us that like when the day shift charge nurse came back from maternity leave, pt who had been there when she was pregnant who were there again were asking about how the baby was doing so three of our pts killing themselves in the last month in a half is soul crushing

then the closest thing i had to a friend in nursing school, well, she died too. out of the fucking blue, out of nowhere. she was a 28 year old healthy woman with two young daughters. she worked so hard for her and her girls she went to nursing school to build a better life for them and she genuinely wanted to be a nurse meanwhile i originally got into it for the money like she only got to live her dream working in L&D for two and a half years. and then she was on vacation in florida with her girls who were doing like a cheerleading camp. and she just. went to sleep and never woke up. and i still don’t know what killed her no one has posted it on facebook, and unfortunately, all the people who might know are the people that i cut out of my life because the rest of our class was a toxic mess so i can’t very well be like heyyyyy so i know i deleted you years ago and all but what killed linda? so still no closure. i just hope to god her girls didn’t find their mother dead. like it wrecked me.

i also say that every time i come back from a vacation something awful happens like when i came back from boston/nyc i discovered i was the only nurse left on my shift and when i came back from st louis last fall my dog died a very traumatizing [for me] death, so when i came back from dc i was like hmm what next.

well, another fucking person died is what next. /one of my coworkers/ my alpha tech from my original 11-7 team one of the people who has literally saved my life and kept so many people from getting hurt this is someone i saw five days a week for the last two and a half years of my life. he was already going through a lot because him and his wife split, so he was staying at a friend’s house, a friend who happened to be an NP for one of the psych docs, and the NP’s sister who works as an internal medicine assistant. and then on cinco de mayo we got word that his car had flipped and killed him. and a lot of people attributed it to a classic cinco drunk driving fatality but it gets worse because of course it does because lol it wasn’t /his/ car that flipped. it was the NP’s sports car. and apparently, the NP was driving, and the sister was following. the sister and NP were off the grid for a couple days and then the sister came back to work, but the NP has been taken off the on call list “indefinitely” so not only is one of our team members dead, but he is probably dead from a /drunk driving vehicular homicide done by another team member/ because apparently the world was like fuck our unit specifically.

then i got to spend several days being targeted by a pt who was a behavioral case [aka they’re not actually mentally ill, they’ve learned to play the system to avoid going to jail, basically] and that involved her being in seclusion for seven goddamn hours and her literally endlessly threatening to kill me for days to the point that i was confined to our walled in nurses station because she was you know trying to kill me and just constantly standing on the other side of the glass throwing around some of the worst verbal abuse i’ve ever experienced like i’m already exhausted and fatigued and miserable can’t you shut the fuck up i need to find some kind of meaning in my job because it’s all i have and you’re making it very hard for me to feel like i’ve done any good for anyone

all of this built up nicely into a good old fashioned nervous breakdown to the point that i had to call in sick because lol turns out that that is a lot of fucking shit to deal with in the span of a month and a half and emotionally things are only going to get harder from here this year for a variety of personal reasons that suffice to say have literally kept me up at night and upset me enough that i even had some nightmares break through the medication because i’m seeing so many of my friends find their happiness and i hate that i can’t feel that happy for them because i’m so tired and when the fuck will it be my turn i don’t want to resent my friends’ happiness and successes i’m just fucking exhausted and would really like for some good goddamn things to start happening here any time now i’ve been under so much stress i’m just a human version of the song running on empty at this point it’s all too much and i still can’t write i’m still stuck in the same hell from a manuscript i wrote nearly four years ago all i’ve been able to write is Coping Poetry to keep from going off the deep end and honestly everything in my life just feels completely out of control and i’m just tired of so many bad things happening in such a short amount of time like i can handle my own emotional problems until you dump all this other fucking nightmare fuel on top of them then it’s too much

so for the unfinished ao3 wip i’m sorry for the sheet music requests i’m sorry for the unanswered messages i’m sorry i’m safe i’m not in any danger of hurting myself or anything but i’m overwhelmed and i barely have the energy to get through all the shit that’s been happening lately so i can’t even promise when my interactions with anyone will be back to normal especially given my already awful skill at withdrawing from the people who care about me because i don’t want to bring them down any so just. tolerate the queue’s work. if you see me posting more but not answering you it’s not you it’s me i just cannot manage even talking to more than like three people max right now hence the until further notice psa you’ve seen at the top of my blog

the worst part is that there’s actually /more/ but it’s also three in the morning and i have to work tomorrow so here’s the highlights turns out averaging one death a week takes a toll on a person who’s already isolated and exhausted

hopefully at some point, things won’t suck as much and i can go back to being regular me. till then, apologies, and enjoy the queue