#how he copes and i just. idk im so tired but i need to talk abt this cause esp now that its been a few episodes and we saw eds happy again

[p4nishers]

no cause it genuinely JUST hit me how eddie literally looked like THIS when buck got hurt.

[hecksupremechips]

Ooooooghhhhhhhhh stressed 🥺

[mazzystar24]

i feel like im in the minority who don’t want eddie to have a slut era in general like… idk even without chris it feels so ooc for him to me, like i feel like he’s so far repressed at this point that if he didn’t wind up with buck he would end up just living the bachelor’s life…

and like i feel like that was the whole point of not having eddie and tommy be the couple this season was bc it wouldn’t make sense for eddie to step forward in that way unless it was buck… or at least that’s what i interpreted the initial decision to swap the storylines to be so maybe i’m wrong

i guess after six years i’m just tired of them dragging their feet and i’m sick of them giving them meaningless relationships with zero chemistry rather than just letting them be happy… and giving eddie a slut era would just feel like they’re rehashing buck 1.0 and i’m tired of them reusing plotlines they’ve already used for other characters (and even giving characters the same plotlines again)

like eddie can be gay without having a slut era and i kinda would like them to not play into the hypersexual queer stereotype since they’ve decided to do so w buck

One thing is 3am me is a gremlin and I don’t like her or her brain (that was the time I made that post) also she just likes to make fun of annoying people but so do I and I had seen TOO many posts talking about a straight slut era for Eddie so hence the chaos gremlin post

Normal me’s thoughts on this:

• the reason I don’t like slut era as gay Eddie canon for Eddie is like you said it’s a bit ooc but also imo like I feel like BECAUSE he’s so repressed it’d take a really meaningful and impactful relationship to give him the like motivation/push he needs to get him outta that closet (which was my same reasoning for why I was glad they didn’t do Eddie/tommy like they originally planned- cos buck just never realised it but Eddie like actively represses it and has much more like in depth reasons for it- like buck wasn’t so much in the closet as he just thought that was his room meanwhile Eddie is like in a super bolted chained Houdini level closet)

• I mentioned in the tags but I want to be FLABBERGASTED when buddie canon happens I want to let out an audible scream in shock and wake up my neighbours and realise it only after I get a noise complaint and if they make them both canonically queer it’d feel like a matter of time (funnily enough i said this but about making ONE of them queer when the bi buck rumours were going around and legit the next week or so we get 7x04 and I was right - true I didn’t anticipate bt fans and the fact that it doesn’t feel FULLY inevitable- but fingers crossed I am psychic again and we get gay Eddie)

• while I think the fact it’s so ooc would be interesting because like it’d show how Chris leaving is affecting him I feel like it’d also be a huge disservice to Eddie because his queer arc and experiences deserve better than like strangers and one night stands as a coping mechanism if you get me

• if I’m fully honest even if his queer arc doesn’t end up perfect I just want him to be canon like it wouldn’t be my ideal like honestly if they do a disservice to him I’d hate it but still I’d just take the win because gay Eddie deserves to be free from😔 like even with buck they kinda weren’t great with his arc but my joy at bi buck overpowers that

But yeah sick and tired buddie canon now Tim please😔💔

[agaypanic]

Oh my god you’re doing TEOTFW I love it . I have a request for James and it’s literally as simple as I the reader and James getting stuck in a lift together. James thinks it’s the perfect chance to kill someone but the reader starts to get too optimistic as a coping mechanism for being trapped and he doesn’t know what to do about it

A Psychopath and a Chatterbox (James X Reader)

Masterlist

Request Something!

Summary: After a long night in the library, you catch a lift back down to the first floor until it stops suddenly. The boy stuck with you is thinking about how this is the perfect chance to kill you, until you start to chatter away.

A/N: reader wants to be a vet and likes cats. obvious warning for talks of murder, and also some mentions of killing animals. im american so idk shit about european school systems. Reader and james are in uni (i think that’s the european version of college), so lets pretend that the events of teotfw didn’t happen so james still has his murderous tendencies

***

With finals quickly approaching, you’ve spent the last week studying in the campus library. You’ve probably spent more time in the library now than you had all semester.

You had been deep in a textbook when an alarm on your phone went off, signaling that the library was closing in five minutes. You jolted in surprise from both the sound and how late it was; you couldn’t believe so much time had passed. Quickly, you gathered your things and ran to the lift, hoping you’d make it before the outside doors locked.

When the lift doors closed after you entered, you let out a breath of relief. The last thing you needed was to be stuck in the place you had already spent the past four hours in.

The doors opened, confusing you for a moment. You weren’t on the ground floor yet; you had only moved down one floor. But then you saw a boy about your age walk in. The doors shut, and you started descending again.

“Hi.” The brunette’s voice was a bit tired. He kept facing forward, but glanced to the side at you, so he must’ve just wanted to be polite.

“Hey.” You responded. While staring forward like him, you caught something in your peripheral. “Your bag’s open.”

He knitted his eyebrows in confusion. “Huh?” Then he swung his backpack around, seeing that you were right and the main pocket was open. “Oh, thanks.” Then he zipped it up, slinging it back over his shoulder.

It was silent after that, aside from the occasional sniffle. When you looked up at the level indicator, you saw that you were passing through the third floor. 

But then the lift paused. You and the mystery boy jolted at the sudden stop, looking around in confusion. You must’ve been stuck between floors.

Your nameless companion pressed the ground floor button a few times, but the lift didn’t start up again. He pressed the emergency button and tried using the emergency phone beside the panel of buttons. Nothing.

You looked at your watch and sighed. “The lifts must stop when the library closes.” 

“Or maybe the lift’s just fucked.”

“Maybe.”

Ten minutes later, it still wasn’t budging. You and the boy, who you learned was named James, sat on the floor facing each other. You patted your thighs rhythmically, trying to relieve the boredom and anxiousness you were feeling.

James, on the other hand, was messing around with his backpack. You couldn’t really see what he was doing, which he was glad about. Because just out of your view, he was playing around with the hunting knife his father had gotten him one year. He didn’t want you to be alarmed by the sight.

He figured it would make killing you a bit less enjoyable. If you freaked out and started to struggle. 

But it’s not like you could get away, not when you were trapped in a lift together late at night in an empty building. That’s what made it so perfect. There were no cameras in the lift, so there’d be no visual evidence of the crime. And when he looked up, James could see a large vent in the middle of the ceiling, which he could probably climb out through if he undid the screws and then open the doors of the floor that you were stuck slightly under. 

After years of fantasizing, planning, and preparation, it was as if God himself were handing James this opportunity.

“So, what’re you studying?”

Your voice had brought James out of his deep thoughts, and only then did he notice he had an iron grip on the knife handle. He quickly set the knife down in his lap so you wouldn’t see it, still keeping his hand on it while he awaited the perfect moment to strike. “What?”

“What’re you studying?” You asked again, smiling softly but awkwardly at him. You figured you might as well try to get to know this stranger, as it was unforeseeable how long you’d be stuck together in this little box. 

“Oh.” He wasn’t expecting you to speak to him. James was preparing himself for a very wordless interaction, apart from your possible screams. “Um, criminology.” Considering his hobbies and ambitions, he figured that would be a good major for him. He saw it as a bit of a preventative measure because he could learn from the mistakes of others.

“Interesting.” You respond, sitting up a little straighter. “How’s that going?”

James was a bit put off by your wanting to make conversation. “Fine.” He carefully twirled the big knife in his hand. “What do you study?” He figured it was only polite to return the favor. Might as well ask you a bit about yourself before he kills you.

Your face lit up, and you quickly started talking about your major and the classes you were taking. James was only half listening, too busy thinking. He wasn’t used to people being this energetic, especially so late at night. He made sure to nod and hum at the appropriate times, but other than that, he just stared at you.

‘Maybe I should turn her around.’ James thought to himself. ‘Looking at her face might make it more difficult.’ He recognized that you had a nice face but quickly pushed those thoughts aside. ‘Focus.’

“I think I’d like working with small animals most; they’re just so precious.” James’ interest was piqued as you finished your rambles with a smile.

“Small animals?” He repeated, and you nodded. James liked small animals too, although it was for an entirely different reason. “Do you have a favorite?”

He didn’t know why he was asking additional questions, but after seeing your eyes brighten at the question, he didn’t regret it.

“Cats, definitely.” You answer, and James couldn’t help but lean forward a bit with curiosity. “A lot of people think they’re mean, but I think they just need the right person.”

Of all the animals James had encountered, he supposed he liked cats the most. They were a bit affectionate with him when they didn’t know what was about to happen. And when they realized the danger they were in, they put up more of a fight, which he appreciated a bit.

“Cats are nice.”

“Especially kittens. They’re just so adorable.”

‘And put up less of a fight.’ James thought.

“Aren’t all cats born with blue eyes?” He asked instead. You nodded, diving into an explanation about how kittens don’t start producing melanin until they’re six weeks old.

‘I should just do it now.’ James gripped the knife tightly. ‘She’s talking too much.’

Yet he kept listening and asking questions. Your talkativeness infuriated and interested James, and he had no clue what to do about it.

Suddenly, the lift slowly descended, and you both jolted in surprise. James quickly stuffed the hunting knife in his backpack and stood up. For some reason, he couldn’t help but reach his hand out to help you stand up. You didn’t even make a comment about how weird and fucked up his hand was, instead just thanking him.

When the doors opened, a custodian was surprised to see you two in the lift. “What’re you two doing here? It’s after hours.”

“Lift got stuck,” James answered, and the two of you exited the lift and then the library. “I can walk you home. If you’d like.”

He didn’t know why he offered, but let it go when you accepted. Maybe the extreme darkness would give him another opportunity.

But James never took it. Instead, he walked you to your dorm, making idle conversation with you the whole way. You did most of the talking, which you liked. 

“Maybe I’ll see you around.” You said as he walked you to the door of the building.

“Yeah,” James said. “Maybe.”

“Be safe, James.” You waved to him before going inside, leaving the boy outside frustrated and confused about his night with you. But one thing was for sure, he hoped to see you again.

[theafrochick]

my red flag is I'll wake up and be hurtled into a silly goofy mood so i write shit like this to cope. I like the idea of putting this in the long fic im deluding myself into thinking I'm going to write but for now have a snippet i guess since it'd feel weird posting this on ao3? idk.

we love stolas having a mental breakdown. and we also love asmodeus being along for the ride cus Asmodeus playing bob the builder with Stolas would fulfill all my needs in life actually.

something something projection and copium

Anyway

Pairing is: stolas & asmodeus. hurt/comfort

Word count: 2,741

I got sick of writing this lmao ignore the ending.

“What else is this supposed to be about then? I don’t know why we keep doing this when you found somebody else’s dick to hop on.”

“W-what on earth are you talking about?” Anxiety stabbed into you as you hug your grimoire to your chest. This was supposed to be a conversation. This was supposed to fix everything and instead if was devolving faster than you could have dreamed.

“Don’t play dumb Stolas, you and Asmodeus are plastered across every tabloid this side of hell. At least have the balls to admit that you’re just keeping me around as a side piece.”

“No, no, Blitzy it’s not like that. We’re friends! I’m doing him a favor, I would never do something like that. What do you take me for?” Blitz takes a step back when you try to approach him, an unfamiliar look of disdain crossing his features. A knot settles in your chest as you felt yourself shrink before him.

You knew you were a hypocrite for wanting him to believe that you wouldn’t cheat considering your relationship was a product of an affair, but you assumed his jealousy would be resolved when he realized Asmodeus was in a very committed relationship of his own. Clearly that wasn’t enough but you weren’t sure what else you could do for him. It felt like it didn’t matter at the end of the day. You had done for this him but he would never believe you if you actually said that. Or it’d somehow add more fuel to this never ending fire.

“I don’t see what kind of favor you needed him that involves you needing to hang all over him. If its about that stupid necklace you gave me so you wouldn’t have to see me anymore then consider the hint taken. You didn’t have to whore yourself out to get away from me.”

“I didn’t- I’m not- Please just listen to me, I only gave you that because-” You try to approach again. Blitz takes several steps back, folding his arms over his chest. Whatever faint connection you had to him snapped in that moment. The fact that there wasn’t anything to try and fix hit you like a truck and you the desire to cling to the vast nothing you had been given evaporated. You didn’t want to fight anymore. You were so tired of it. You suck in a breath, forcing yourself to straighten. Forcing yourself to not reach for him again even though a small part of you still wanted to. “Fine. If that’s how you feel then we can consider this the conclusion of any business we might have with one another. This 14th or any other are yours for the taking.”

You suck in another breath, then turn and take the stairs back into your house at a measured pace. In the resulting silence, filled by the bubbling of the fountain in the courtyard, you hoped that he wouldn’t actually let you walk away. But then the van door opened and closed. You opened the door to the foyer. The engine starts and fades just as quickly. You close the door, the click of the latch echoing through your head.

You’re fine. It’s okay. This is okay.

You feebly tried to placate yourself as you made your way through the house to put your grimoire away. If you didn’t it’d leave room for everything else to take root and even if you were pathetic, you refused to cry yourself to sleep on the entryway floor. This wasn’t the first time you just had to keep it together for a little while. What a handful of minutes compared to the other countless hours you had spent hiding from yourself.

But the grimoire never made it back to its place, because you were used to not having it. Because you had put a new book in its place. Because that book didn’t even fit well in your organization scheme but the blank space hurt to look at when you missed Blitz. Because you could handle the slight annoyance that it was in the wrong spot than look at that hole. Because if you moved that book to put your grimoire away then you’d have to find a new place for the wrong book. Because you didn’t have a place for it in the first place. Because then you’d end up reorganizing the mountain of books you had. Because after all that nothing would be the same. Because then you’d have to change. Because then you’d have to clean yourself. Because then you’d probably have to eat something. Because then you’d have to go to bed. Because then you’d have to wake up and grapple with the fact that you were as alone as you had felt your whole life.

Your knees give out and you curl into yourself. Between the sobs racking your body and the waves of anxiety that kept crashing over you you could barely breathe. Why is it always my fault?

How much more were you expected to give? You buried everything you wanted to the sake of others. You worried yourself sick. You overthought everything. You tarnished your birthright. You threw away whatever reputation you had t hat wasn’t trampled on by Stella. You couldn’t dig any deeper. There wasn’t any place you could hide from yourself anymore. You had nothing left and nothing to show for it. How was it still your fault that things ended up this way?

The vague burning sensation in your skin left behind from the feathers you hadn’t meant to rip out wasn’t enough to keep you grounded. And then more intentionally thinking that might leave you with something to grab onto as your magic misfired and bled into the room. Ichor seeped out of walls and pooled on the floor around you. The sound of cracking stone could scare be heard about the sound of your heart pounding in your aching chest. You’re making a mess, pull yourself together. This is unbecoming.

Normally a few sobering thoughts were enough for you to reign it in. To get some semblance of a grip on yourself and put yourself back together.

Not now. What was the point? You could stay there for as long as you wanted because nobody would care enough to come check on you. You could destroy the whole mansion and the only person who’d have to deal with it was you. This could just be another thing to add to the long list of things you couldn’t do right. Can’t be a prince. Can’t be a husband. Can’t be a father. Can’t be a boyfriend. Can’t be a boyfriend. Can’t take care of yourself. Can’t be left alone.

You squeeze your eyes shut, feeling your nails graze your skin before everything went silent.

“What the fuck...?”

You blink back into consciousness, cold from the ichor that had soaked into your clothes. Your head hurt, and your vision blurred. The tightness in your chest had subsided enough that you could at least breathe again. Maybe. Fresh anxiety wormed it’s way into you as Asmodeus cautiously pads over to you.

“Stolas, are you alright? What happened?”

You shove yourself into a sitting position, black spots dancing in your vision. A nervous laugh escapes you as you clap your hands together. “Oh, I was just...working on a spell.” Another nervous laugh. You set your soaked grimoire on the window seat, praying it was still legible. You could barely convince yourself that was an excuse let alone Asmodeus. Not when he was privy to everything that was going on and didn’t know how to let anything go. Not when you had unintentionally placed him in the middle of all of this.

“Wanna run that one by me again?” Asmodeus crouches in front of you, his head cocked earnestly to the side as he studies you.

“Just practicing…” You couldn’t bear to look at him as you forced the words out. Your stomach churned and your throat clenched. You weren’t sure if you were going to throw up or start crying again. Or both. “I’m fine, really. Do tell why you’re here.”

Asmodeus exhales sharply, resting his hand on the side of your face. He works his fingertips through your feathers to graze his claws against your skin. A tremor runs through you as the heat from his palm seeps into you. He always did run hot.

You fought the urge to sink into him, tension settling in your back as you sat a little straighter. “Really, I’ve just been out of practice so I thought it’d be good to reacquaint myself with some of the spells in the back of the book only I got distracted and it backfired a little. Nothing I can’t handle, I’m sure I did worse when I was younger. Haven’t we all?”

You weren’t sure what you were going on about as the room groaned and shifted around you. But saying nothing of any real substance was easier than sitting there in silence, trying not to look at him. This display was shameful, even if it was supposed to be private. Nothing was ever private. One way or another others always managed to wiggle their way in. If you said you fine eventually you’d mean it again and then things could go back to normal.

The chandelier gives from the added weight of the petrification and rips itself free of the ceiling. Asmodeus starts, whipping his head around to look at the pile of stone and plaster sitting on the floor. “Stolas…” He edges closer to you, cupping your face with his hands. “Don’t lie to me. It’s one thing if you want to be alone to work through whatever the fuck this is, but nobody who knows you and has half a brain would believe you’re fine right now.” He chose his words carefully, his drawl being the only thing that stopped an actual pause from forming.

You wring your hands together in your lap. For a moment you were a child being scolded for getting upset and all you could do was bear it. What good would admitting to anything do? If you did then it’d make this more real than it already was. So this was just another thing you could do. Pretend. Not anymore. You had felt the mask slipping for some time now but you never thought the day would come where you actually couldn’t put it back on. “It’d be a waste for you to worry about me when this whole thing is my fault.”

“I have a very hard time believing that.”

You shrug helplessly, pulling your face from his hands. “It always is… Things never should have gotten this far. I don’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t that’s the problem. I never think. None of this ever would have happened if I just did what I was supposed to, but I never do. I can’t do anything right.” You suck in a breath, batting his hands away when he reaches for you. “Sorry, that was rather uncalled for. You should just go.”

“Do you mean that?”

Of course not.

You wipe your face on your sleeve, undoubtedly smearing black on the side of your face. “It’s for the best.”

You tense when Asmodeus pulls you into his lap. You couldn’t manage to protest as he wraps himself around you. “It’ll be okay, Stolas, you’ll make it through this.”

For a moment you could breathe. Your mind goes blank for an instant before everything comes rushing back to the surface again. It hurt, and you were certain that you wouldn’t be okay. You had never been okay. How were you supposed to start now?

“There, there, let it all out.”

You whimper softly, burying your face in Asmodeus neck while he gently rocks you. You always liked how unnaturally warm he was. When given the chance it was hard not to drift to his side whether it was warranted or not. The sickly sweet smell that clung to him usually assaulted your senses and relaxed you but now it just mingled with your shame and made you too acutely aware of the situation you were presently in.

Getting a handle on yourself felt more a priority than working through whatever this was supposed to be. You needed out of this. You needed Asmodeus to feel like he had gotten what he wanted so he could continue on. You couldn’t get used to this. You couldn’t start to depend on him. He wasn’t yours to need. Nobody was. You were too old to be throwing a tantrum because you couldn’t get what you wanted. That’s what this boiled down to wasn’t it? Once again you expected too much. It was your own fault for getting your hopes up. How could you end up surprised you were here? This had been coming for months and you should have accepted this then. You should have taken the inevitable with grace. Especially when you left him with everything he wanted. He’d never think about you again while you stupidly clung to things that only ever mattered to you.

Was that it? Was everyone always placating you because it was easier than dealing with this? Maybe you were unreasonable. Asmodeus was only here because you hadn’t said the right things. If you were a little stronger you’d be cleaning. And you’d move that stupid book someplace else. Or throw it away because you didn’t even need it, it was just the first one you saw. What was it even called? To think you fell apart over something that normally didn’t occupy an ounce of head space. I’m hopeless.

You blink a few times, abruptly all too aware of your body pressed against Asmodeus’. Of his steady breathing. Of his heart thudding in his chest. You had enough sense to be embarrassed without a twinge of anxiety so you had to confront the fact that you had to actually start picking up the pieces of whatever Blitz had broken inside of you countless times. There probably wasn’t even anything left at this point, but trying was really your only option when Asmodeus certainly wasn’t going to let you go back to tearing yourself and your house apart.

For now, you were mostly tired, and if you stayed like this any longer the idea of sleeping on his chest would have been tempting. Though this raised the question of you needing to get out of this and you were no closer to a solution than when the question was first posed. “Uhm...Asmodeus?”

“Yes, Stolas?” Asmodeus shifts you a little higher, nuzzling your neck.

“You may put me down, if you want.”

Asmodeus studies you for a moment. While the scrutiny still made you uncomfortable, it wasn’t nearly as unbearable as before. He seemed satisfied that you weren’t still spiraling out of control and eased you back onto the floor. You brace yourself on his shoulder and stand, a headache forming at your temples. “Why don’t you come stay with me tonight?”

“No, no I couldn’t possibly do that. It’s alright. This is a big place. There are other beds.”

Asmodeus hauls himself off the floor, momentarily distracted by the puddle off ooze he had put his hand in. “I also have other beds. Ones that aren’t covered in freaky black jizz. Besides, you need a bath and I know you aren’t going to take one. You’re probably not even going to change either and that look on your face says it all.” Asmodeus cuts you off, “girl you need to get a grip. I’m all for spending all day in bed, but at least do it in a clean one.”

You sigh, not really having the energy to argue with him. “I really wouldn’t want to put you out.”

“I have servants for a reason, only people you’re putting out are on payroll. Though word of advice,” he snaps his fingers, opening a portal into a very pink bathroom, “don’t let Froggy make your breakfast. He’ll do it because he knows you’re too nice to say no, and I think you’ve suffered enough for one week.”

“I’m not-” The protest died on your lips as you stepped into the bright light. You were already missing your room before the portal had closed. “Fizzarolli thinks I’m nice?”

“How could anybody think otherwise?”

[leffee]

Something to tie you over!

- whenever bored games get played with Vinnie around he never understands how to play even the simplest games out there BUT somehow every great while he wins out of pure luck it drives Russell (mr follows the rules crazy)

- Vinnie always looks good in photos even if he doesn’t know a picture is being taken he could have just woken up looks good he could be talking looks perfect sleeping looks adorable Zoe can’t figure out how he does it she says she has never seen a bad photo of him ever

- he LOVES pancakes idk why it’s just something I always see him enjoying they are soft,fluffy and sweet and his all time favorite thing he craves besides mangos he gets so excited and does a little happy dance in his seat when the pancakes are sat in front of him he has to have a limit though because he’ll keep eating till he pukes

- I feel like he would be able to touch his tongue to his nose and show it off whenever asked if he has and “special skills”

- he would have tattoos but they would each have meaning to him each and every one so if asked he could talk about them with pride!

- he copy’s anyone he’s around just out of habit or maybe because he wants to fit in or mimic his friends let me explain- for example in the episode where Mrs twombly was doing the DNA test and Sunil was mad Vinnie started to copy him by crossing his arms too after seeing Sunil do it- I feel like he would copy his friends because doesn’t understand what’s going on in general but others do so coping them is what works best if that makes sense

- whenever he’s really upset Sunil is the only person Vinnie will open up to because he’s the only one who knows how to since they are so close and he knows him so well it’s like second nature to know what Vinnie needs something everyone else can’t do for him

- he zones out so often that he’s missed parts of conversations and while watching tv so he gets lost at what’s happening with a lot of things it’s also something he does when he gets bored or wants to not listen to someone on purpose he’s gotten to good at doing it though and doesn’t realize how often he starts to do it a habit he’s trying to break because he’s tired of the lectures from others about paying more attention to things

- he hasn’t found a wine he’s liked yet but is still willing to keep trying different ones! beer though and hard liquors are alright he is more of a soda guy after all lol

- I have to add this in here because it makes me happy if Vinnie met Russell in another universe (the little hedgehog version)he’d immediately fall in love and hold him and repeat the words “baby rusty” “baby rusty” “baby rusty” over and over he’d feed him snacks and stop anyone else from taking him from his grip because he wants to be with him (according to Vinnie)so they’d have to eventually take him and give him back to Blythe while Vinnie tries to scream and take him back from her

- if you send Vinnie on a mission for something he’ll do whatever it takes to complete it because he’s determined until he gets distracted and he forgets what it was he was doing R: “Vinnie,where are you?” “I sent you to the store an hour ago” V: “oh yeah! Now I remember I was getting milk!” “Im at the mall!” R: “……”

- I feel like he would just have so many random facts in his head and they are super random so it’s anyone’s guess as to what he really knows and when it’s going to come out of his mouth

- he’s a piker and not in the way you’d think lol he sees a pimple it must be gone he’s got a healing wound from falling it must be gone a stray hair nope can’t be there Zoe tell me him that what he does will leave scars and that sticks in the back of his mind but he can’t help it and does it anyway

- he gets so dirty so fast to the point that he has spare clothes at the ready Just in case because it happens so often paints with minka dirty, it rains he’s muddy, eats it’s all over for him

- I feel like he would sometimes shave his legs or armpits because he likes how soft he feels and tells everyone to feel him when he does it

- being scratched is almost as good as being cuddled especially on his back it’s his other form of comfort it’s the one of his ultimate forms of touch and he lives for it

- he doesn’t like being in wet clothes they stick to him and are super uncomfortable so he whines about it when it rarely happens like when pepper pushed him into a pool or when it rained super hard or when he fell at the beach in the water just walking to close to the water he hadn’t changed into his swimsuit and he freaked out about it

- he believes in lucky objects like if he finds a penny or a four leaf clover. he thinks he’ll have luck the whole rest of the day holding either one

- sunil’s parents ask about Vinnie during video calls with Sunil. They check up on him because they’ve gotten just as attached as Sunil has and treat him like a second son. Vinnie loves it though and blushes/smiles when they compliment him in anyway because parent approval is something Vinnie longs for so badly…

- ok last one for now-

- Vinnie doesn’t understand gossip when the girls talk about it. so they freely talk in front of him he gets so lost on who is who and they tell him not to worry about it. he’s tried to ask the other guys why girls do it but they had to break it to him that everyone does it and it’s mostly harmless. well safe to say he did try it himself and ended up accidentally telling madam Pom that Zoe waxes her mustache.. luckily madam Pom is a good friend and explained to him his wrong doing and how it works.They both agreed to keep what he had said a secret in exchange of Vinnie never trying to gossip again lol

Hopefully this amount is ok for now! Sorry if there are any errors or mistakes I was typing fast! let me know what you think! :)

As I said, I already replied to this multiple times in my head, but now it's time to actually, physically reply to it :>. And thank you so much for sending me this when I was in hospital, believe me it really helped to entertain me for a good while, as Mario says let's-a-go:

yes exactly, he sometimes wins by pure luck and without a bit of trying. And of course it drives Russell crazy the most, I mean he follows the rules, actually thinks of strategies, learns from previous mistakes, all that stuff, but then there's Vinnie, who does the exact opposite and still ends up winning sometimes lololo and Russell is just at wits' end

this one actually made me verbally "awww", especially that sleeping part. Of course he looks adorable :3. And Zoe lmao, she's like Russell from the previous headcanon, because of course looking good in pictures is important to her and she tries her absolute best to look good in pictures and still sometimes deletes those pictures because "they're not good enough". And then there's Vinnie who gives absolutely zero fucks about something like that but somehow always ends up looking good ✨. And wait, idea for a follow-up headcanon! Zoe ends up having almost suspiciously big number of pictures of Vinnie on her phone because she tries to get a bad picture of him but just CaN't. "Zoe, why do you have like 200 pictures of Vinnie sleeping?" "Darling, shhh, it's not important."

omg that is also adorable, my boy eating his pancakes happily, sooo cute! And the eating till he pukes. Yeah, that's Vinnie, that's how I see it too. I imagine pancakes with mango would just make him so effing happy because it's basically just a combination of his two favourite foods

yes yes, and touch his elbow with it too. I mean, it's pretty reasonable to headcanon that or rather just headcanon him with a longer than average tongue since you know, lizards have long tongues and all that. But yes, this is my headcanon also. He can just do a lot of unusual things with his body

not only would he talk about them with pride, but he would show them off (sometimes even without being asked lol). And if they're on his arms then it's whatever, but imagine they're on his idk, chest or legs. And then he just starts removing his pants unasked. "Woah, woah, woah, what the hell are you doing? Stop taking off your pants in public!" "What? No no listen, I just have tattoos here, you need to see." Now that makes me also wonder if you have any specific ideas of exactly what tattoos he might have and what they mean.

ok ok yes, it makes sense, and he really does sometimes copies others, doesn't he? My favorite reason for him to do so is to fit in or because he thinks others are probably right so it's easier to just copy whatever they do. But also because he wants to be as similar to them as possible because they're the best and know better than he does. So yeah, he copies others to be more likeable to others (Tbh, according to psychology copying others' mannerisms does make them like you sooo.)

nawww, yes, I mean, it makes sense. And Sunil is just the only one allowed to know especially when he's sad, maybe really sad. I'd imagine that Sunil aside from different things also brings him snacks because he knows that Vinnie stress-eats and it helps him a bit. Though my Vinnie just does not open up to anyone because damn he does not deserve it, the little whiner

Ok, hear me out because I literally have the same headcanon, yes, he zones out a lot. But this one is honestly kinda canon-related? I mean the whole The Very Littlest Pet Shop episode was literally made in Vinnie's head like huh?? Well, not whole but most of it. Did you see how hard he zoned out? So yeah. My favorite part of this headcanon is probably that he just does that not to listen to somebody lmao. I mean, this is such a bastard move and I love it, "Yeah, I don't really wanna listen to this guy but walking off would be rude sooo," and then he completely zones out. I imagine he zones out a lot more when he's very sad, so he doesn't have to face the reality, he just puff! Not mentally there suddenly. However, I'd imagine others often catch up because they'd stop talking and wait for his reply and he's just standing there's motionlessly with gaze not exactly on them. And saying his name doesn't work either in those situations. Like you have to actually slap him sometimes in order for him to come back to reality. Once he does, he's completely bamboozled though because he has no idea what's been happening the last minutes. Also, because I have way too fitting clip I will link it here, because that's what it would probably look like

yeeesh, he is such a soda guy, that's true! And hey, good for him for looking still. To me he's not opposed to any alcohol but has ones that he likes more or less. But in general he prefers stronger stuff because they get him drunk faster and he's not drinking for the taste, you know?

oh my goodness, possessive Vinnie but with hedgehog Russell? Uh, heck ye. BitI just imagine that while Vinnie's all "baby Rusty" chanting Russell is just there with deadpan expression like "I'm literally a fully-grown hedgehog 😐". And while Vinnie's holding Russell he's all love and fluff: 🥰💕💖💗 but as soon as someone tries to take him away he hisses and is the exact opposite: 💀☠️🔥⛏️, he is NOT giving Russell back, he's his! He'll take him home and give him the best place to live possible, damn it!

oh yes, listen, being determined as hell is one of his defining characteristics for me at least, so if you give him a task he WILL do it. Kinda like with that always keeping secrets headcanon, he will keep it no matter what. Oh, but what was bro doing in that mall until Russell called then 😭. Just walking around aimlessly while completely zoned out I imagine. And yeah, if you consider that theadcanon with the headcanon that he often zones out it's not so surprising that he forgot what he was doing, is it?

yes yes, listen, yes. Like he's not stupid, but at the same time the facts he has are so random, he might not know something that is considered common knowledge, but will tell you in detail about something else related to this, and it will be so obscure. Wait, wait, I have a completely fitting for this too give me a sec, aaaand here:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by tweek amami ♡ (@tweekamami)

see, this is exactly what I mean, he just seems to have random patchwork of knowledge. To his defence, I also have no first clue where that thing is, must be Americans thing, and I hate America so

no, but I imagine when Zoe first told him that it did the opposite because Vinnie thought "oh, cool! I get to pick stuff and I will have cool scars from it? Yes, please." ANaaand then it turned out it's not the "cool" kind of scars, welp but he can't stop it anyway, typical OCD behavior 😌. No no okay I'm not serious with that though... I'm pretty sure it could be considered it, but on its own it's not enough to say anything really.

ok, but I imagine he forgot the spare clothes a few times and then had to borrow clothes. And he loves borrowing clothes from his friends. Maybe a few times he even "forgot" on purpose, just so someone will give him theirs, like in that painting with Minka case. That also made me think... what if one day he didn't change the clothes and he was all over in red paint. And after that someone saw him just walking around like that, let's say Penny, and she's like "...Vinnie, um, why are you covered in... blood like that?" "Huh? Oh no, lmao, it's just paint, red paint." But she still drags him into her house so he can actually look decent because holy shit that does not look good as it is now

yes, exactly! Me and you truly think the same about him sometimes. He would. He'd shave his legs and as soon as he sees any or all of his friends the first thing he does is show off his now hairless leg proudly and they are just like "ok?" not understanding how that's special but he just insists they should touch that leg. Some... are more willing than others. Minka is very willing for example, hell yeah give her this smooth smooth leg to touch. It's not every day after all that she gets to touch someone else's leg like that, let alone Vinnie's because most of the time he doesn't care about body hair especially on legs and just lets it grow

this this this omg, you know already how much I love this one. Yes, yeeeesh, he loves back scratchies. He just absolutely melts because it feel so good and will do basically anything if you give him a good back scratch, the longer the better. Literally, he doesn't mind it going on for hours if possible, rad marks on his back after that be damned. He also likes that because he has more back pain than he cares to admit. So yeah, he just melts and tries to make it go on as long as possible. And being scratched by more than one person? Oh goodness, he might actually kill just to get it

to be honest, who likes being in wet clothes ahaha. Vinnie doesn't, that's for sure. And Pepper is such a certified pool thrower, she absolutely does that. Especially with Vinnie bc she knows that he won't actually be mad (for too long) and also just because it's easy to push his small ass into a pool or anything else. Also, that beach part, I can't help but imagine him just falling fully face flat but then he's so unhappy that he's all wet that he just lies there for a moment wondering why has God forsaken him

ok, hear me out, what if in some twisted-Vinnie-logic, he though that if holding onto it (like the four lea clover) will bring him luck, then what if he ate it?! Surely that will bring him more luck... right? Not penny though, he wouldn't eat that... well, actually... maybe he would

ah this, I love Sunil's parents basically being Vinnie's parents too because he pretty much does not have ones. This is just such a good headcanon for me argh, I love it. I mean, someone has to ensure Vinnie is still sane, someone who will also be parental with him. Yes, he's basically their second son and he loves it, he loves them so much and is so happy to see them. Video calls are one thing, but he's so happy when they visit in person and practically bounces in anticipation

ok, bit isn't it kinda hypocritical? The girls all gossip like nobody's business but when Vinnie does it it's suddenly bad? Nah, I think we should let him, even if it's about Zoe waxing her mustache. But also, Vinnie and Madame Pom? Why do I like this dynamic when I think about it? Like? Yeeeees, let them be. I say, let him gossip, but not with any of his closest friends, someone else though like Madame Pom or Esteban or Pete. Idk, I think he should actually.

Brooo of course this amount is okay, any is honestly, because if you send me less? Good cause I will reply faster. You send me more? Great, because I love reading them :]

[mqfx]

awkward perhaps to ask this on the heels of your fervent plea for chenglatan support... however. do you think xicheng COULD be interesting? like i can't see it based on what canon provides and so i don't understand the popularity of the ship, but im generally in favor of trying to explore character relations regardless... and i do think that the way it could potentially give lwj conniptions would be. funny. sorry lwj i know you've suffered

HARK! WHO DARES IMPINGE UPON MY TERRITORY IN THE MIDST OF MY BEDDYTIME ABLUTIONS........ (readies the chain lightning)

jk anon ilu mwah and since you asked nicely (and since i'm still on karma probation) let me preface this by saying what i've always said about xi/cheng, which is that Anything that could have possibly made it compelling is already done by sang/cheng but more balanced and it just makes more sense TO ME.

brother issues? lxc is a responsible older brother (though not as well-adjusted as he seems on the surface) but SC are both youngest brothers too. lost something during the war? they all did, but SC both lost brothers who were Larger Than Life both for and in comparison to themselves. sect leaders? so are SC plus their situations mirror each other's (one never wanted to be but was thrust into it. the other was destined for it but entirely unprepared to take it in that way; both came at steep costs they never expected to pay) and that's not getting into like, how they have opposite and complementary connections to grief and rage, how one is a mask to hide the other

also no offense to zewu-jun, but what exactly is he doing here. as far as i can tell, XC is mostly a ship designed to benefit jc, but how does it benefit lxc in any way? meanwhile let's look at the tragedy of nielan and how it also reflects the themes set up in the songxiao arc to be honest what's my man jc bringing to the table for lxc? more work??

ALL THAT BEING SAID. because lwj conniptions would be funny and you're talking to me the guy who's gonna make hx/yy big in the other fandom someday I WILL GIVE IT THE GOOD OL' COLLEGE TRY. it'll be hard because i am so heavily biased for SC (hence my old url) but:

maaaaaybeeeee ....... ok so it's postcanon but pre-wangxian returning from their road trip. jiang cheng is not coping well and is so very close to a qi deviation (always) and lxc is like "maybe if you listen to my binaural beats you'll calm down" because 1) jc needs to settle down a little and 2) it eases lxc's guilt about the whole nmj + jgy situation and gives him smth to think about that isn't his two dead bros chillin in a coffin. whatever so they do that and perhaps they get to talking? i'm really blanking out on who'd go first bc jc either lashes out or Doesn't Say Shit but lxc pure Dissociates just goes up in the clouds (NOT WEED) who knows. anyway maybe it starts out as a mutual pseudo-therapy session where lxc teaches jc to Chill Bro and jc teaches lxc the beauty of "don't you ever get tired of being nice? don't you just wanna go Ape Shitt?" which. idk how well it's gonna work. look at him. MAYBE we can work in the goddamn frogs into the situation. lxc calls in jc like "we're trying to grow lotuses here but--" "it's too cold. your lake bed is shit and the seeds don't like it. you don't even have frogs" and they do landscaping together. lwj comes home and finds jc dunking a bucket on tadpoles on lxc like it's frat night idk

我不知 FUCKING 道 KLDHLS I GIVE UP!!!!!!! I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS SHIP EVEN HAPPENED BUT BABY IT'S LIKE PUTTING TWO NORTH-NORTH MAGNETS TOGETHER IT'S LIKE MAKING PARALLEL LINES TOUCH I CAN'T DO IT I CAAAAAN'T IM SORRYYYYYY DO THEY EVEN TALK MUCH IN CANON?????????

(and as a side note. chenglatan canon bc, basically, i can For My Derelict Favorite my way into his heart. and poison mushroom omelet my way into his guts. please support me in my dreams <3)

in conclusion: i was brushing my teeth when i saw this ask and i spat out blood from my throat. but that is just the cadmium poisoning dw

[scoutsbiggestfan]

ok bc people noticed my other post heres some more yay!!! im gonna try to make this more organized, i typed the other post on my phone so it was a little messy. 

reminder some of this is shipping stuff. theres also gonna be some serious topics in here ...

CONTENT WARNING!!!!!! tw for substance abuse, eds, talk of dysphoria (idk if i need to tw that but im gonna just in case,!!), self harm

- all of the mercs are autistic and queer in some way. half of them are trans too heres my hcs for that... plus some other stuff ! - scout: trans (ftm) bi, autistic, adhd, dyslexic. he/him. ! - soldier: pan, autistic. he/him. ! - pyro: bi, nonbinary, aroace, autistic, adhd. he/she/they/it. ! - demoman: gay, autistic, adhd. he/they. ! - heavy: gay, ace, autistic. he/they. ! - engineer: pan, nonbinary, ace, autistic. he/she. ! - medic: bi, aroaceflux, autistic, ocd. any. ! - sniper: gay, ace, autistic. he/they. ! - spy: bi (pref for women), transfem, autistic, ASPD. he/she/they.

- talking about spy woo!! i feel like spy would have ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) but she does know about it and medic helps him and acts like a therapist if needed :D! 

- (tw for substance abuse) because of spys ASPD for a while they were dependent on alcohol. i feel like it played a part in his relationship with scouts ma and he reacted to “this is very bad for her and [scout]” by leaving them without saying anything. i think that she really wishes the best for the two and means no hard feelings against either of them

- (tw for eds) i feel like that with snipers antisocial behavior and autism he gained a lot of anxiety, self doubt, and suicidal thoughts and behaviors. for a while he was almost completely dependent on the bare minimum (coffee and a few snacks every so often, probably) and didnt even really realize how destructive it was until medic pointed some of his behaviors out to him (privately, of course).

- (tw for dysphoria, self harm) scouts dysphoria was really bad for the longest time. i feel like he had no idea how to cope with it well, so he ended up self harming as a way to cope. he ended up using art as a way to cope instead, but he def got his surgeries done by medic.

- speaking of his surgeries, scout very much so appreciates the fact that medic did the surgeries for him. it may not look or sound like it but he is so glad medic offered to do it because it was one of the happiest days of his life

sorry for all the serious stuff... lets get a bit more lighthearted!! this is ship stuff x3

- ok for bushmedicine i feel like sniper did a lot of opening up so medic learned a lot of new things about him very slowly, but he LOVES every new thing he learns. like "oh, sniper just mentioned a favorite animal? thank you for telling me i will never forget it"

- engiespy... this is more of an idea i came up with, but i feel like engie confessed first, and spy was absolutely mind BLOWN that he had no idea how to respond and for once was just. shocked. and engie took it badly so then he felt really bad, and apologized... but he slowly realized he has feelings back, so he started hanging out with engie more (just checking in on him and seeing what hes working on) that eventually he just. told engie. who was super excited!!! (then they totally made out)

- sniperspy? hell yeah!! i feel like spy would be “totally shocked” that he likes this rugged, piss throwing, bushman. but yes he does love him... at finds him very attractive... which is new for him but he doesnt mind it because snipers hot ok. she would fight for him. sniper on the other hand was just? he just found spy super attractive, like “holy shit thats really hot, shes really fucking hot” but didnt say anything until spy said something first (because she was tired of waiting...)

- sniperscout?? yuppppppppppppp!!! sniper doesnt come around a lot on the days off, so scout took that as an opportunity to talk to him about stories hes already told the others. sniper (surprisingly) enjoys listening to him ramble, so scout comes coming around more often, and they just slowly grow closer. very opposites attract trope but i love it

[softxsuki]

Heyyy!! Congratulations on 1k!!I’m here for the matchup event>:)!

Fandom: Tokyo rev and platonic matchup please<3(any gender)

Personality: At first I might seem like a silent and a distant person cuz I’m not good at communicating with new people. I don’t click with a lot of people, that being the reason I have only a little friend group who I don’t feel awkward around. But after you get to know me, I’m actually a completely different person - really talkative, loud and smiley even though I can get angered and annoyed really easily. When I am, I get really passive aggressive & I tend to stay quiet not to lash out at other people or accidentally hurt them. But if spoken to and I decide to speak back, my tone does not sound aggressive and speak with short sentences, trying to avoid having a long conversation. A good trait of mine is that I’m a good listener and supportive. I really like supporting people I care about and love in any way & their achievements make me truly happy<3 I’m a BIG daydreamer and my head is often in the clouds😭 I cope with stressful events/distract myself from negative emotions by daydreaming and convincing myself they didnt happen. I’m also a VERY BIG procrastinator and do everything at the last possible moment, mostly because I’m too lazy to do it at that moment. I literally can’t have a straight face and be serious no matter what is going on(except if it’s really serious, then I get serious too lol.) I’m responsible when I need to be & I HATE when I bring people down and don’t meet their expectation.

Sun: Capricorn Moon: Taurus Rising: Capricorn

Mbti: Isfp-t (I’m so sorry I forgot my enneagram💀)

My hobbies: I play guitar and attend a volleyball school. besides that I really enjoy cloudgazing<33!! It’s my favorite thing to do. I even have a speacial lil spot I cloudgaze at & I take my friends there from time to time:) I also love listening to music but idk if that’s a hobby😭

What I value in friendship: Loyalty and being there for each other when the other needs it:) Also patience, since it’s really hard to understand me sometimes and I usually don’t mean things I say. Someone with the same humorous with the same humor as me. Being supportive and HYPING EACH OTHER UP>>>

Extra stuff:

whenever I’m angry, a hug is the only thing that calms me down. Like I go soft and my anger immediately fades away. I really get all soft and mushy whenever someone shows affection towards me in general.

Whenever I’m nervous I just play with my hands or with the sleeves of my shirt. I used to chew my shirt too but I let go of that trait💀

I laugh a LOT and my laugh is very loud. I get very happy when I succeed at making people around me laugh too:)

The best compliment i could get is “ur funny” IDK WHY BUT IT MAKES ME HAPPY-

My fav season gotta be winter cuz of all the fun stuff & new year and Christmas are my fav holidays<3

IM TIRED AND HAVE NO ENERGY 24/7

Scenario: Something like helping each other confess to our crushes and helping to plan each other’s dates but messing everything up would be really funny jdkwdkjd or just generally hanging out together.

Once again congratulations!! Take your time writing thing and don’t forget to take care:)!!

-🫐

1000 Follower Event Matchup #32

This event is CLOSED. You can find the event masterlist here.

Note: 🫐anon! Hello and thank you for participating. I'm sorry you had to wait this long for your matchup! It's been a tough year :3 I hope you still enjoy it though! Thank you <3

I match you with: TAKEMITCHI (platonic)

Runner-up: Emma

Takemitchi:

(Too lazy to edit a picture for him since I don’t take requests for Takemichi :3)

The main reason why I picked Takemichi is because you said you value loyalty in a friendship, and have you seen the lengths this man has gone for his GF and friends??? He’s SUPER loyal

So loyal, that he pushes himself despite how how weak and cowardly he may feel inside

Probably one of the best friends you’ll find; if you ever need him, he’d be there for you, even if it’s 3am

He’s one of the few people you can be yourself around without judgment, and he comes as a package deal with Hinata and Chifuyu so you have your little friend group with them

On the days when you’re all free, you go cloud gazing, enjoying silence, as your watch the clouds and get lost in your daydreams, happy that you have three friends to hangout with like that

Takemichi brings you your favorite drink and foods, memorizing all your favorite things and little habits as your best friend

Whenever you laugh together, your laughs makes each other laugh even harder

Hugs you and reassures you that he’s there for you whenever you need it

How do you help each other confess to your crushes?

Well with him, you were the one that had to push him to make a move on Hinata–he was a lost cause without you and would still be single to this day had you not encouraged him to confess

As for Takemichi, he fakes it till he makes it, giving you all this advice from his own relationship experience, even though half of it isn’t helpful at all

Hina usually gives him the right words to say and he relays them to you, pushing you to at least try confessing because you never know what the other person may feel as well…you’ll never know till you try

EVENT REQUESTS ARE CLOSED

REGULAR REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

Posted: 9/6/2023

[driderwife]

Recently I kind of unofficially stopped talking to my therapist of like , 5 years and I’m feeling like weird and bad about it rn. The thing that happened was like, idk I just got so frustrated and didn’t wanna talk anymore. She’s a really nice person and We have a rapport bc of how long I’ve been seeing her, but at the same time there have been several things that have just been compounding over time and I couldn’t rlly take it anymore:

Last year when I brought up to her that I think I’m autistic, her response was that I couldn’t be because I have an excessive amount of a empathy. And I did explain to her that lack of empathy is not an autistic trait & that it’s a classic ableist mischaracterization, which she SEEMED to be open-minded about at the time. But consistently whenever my BF comes up in convo (he’s diagnosed with autism) she makes it a point to remind me that because he’s autistic he lacks empathy. That’s one thing that really REALLY started to grate on my nerves. It wasn’t relevant and it was factually incorrect. And I guess it hammered in that I will never be able to discuss with her the possibility of me experiencing undiagnosed autism.

Another problem is that still to this day, despite NEVER knowing me when I identified as a girl, she continues to accidentally misgender me or call me “ma’am” instead of sir. She corrects herself but like, idk why I let it go for so long? I’m VERY bad about correcting people IRL so I just let it go time and time again. I was never going by she/her pronouns when we started talking. Clearly she’s just another cis person who hears my “girl” voice and decides internally that I’m a girl.

And on a less serious note I just didn’t feel like I’ve improved at all in the 5+ years we’ve been seeing each other. It wasn’t a waste of time; I’ve learned valuable coping skills and made some important life decisions with her help. But like, I have a litany of mental illnesses that feel untreated at their core and I never feel comfortable enough to open up about them to her on a deeper level. I don’t feel like we’re dealing with anything except little IRL problems I encounter, and my general anxiety. I feel like I’m far worse off mentally than I was years ago and it makes me really unbelievably sad.

I guess all this is to say that I know I NEED a new therapist but Im terrified of the process I have to go through to get one, and get to know them. And I feel like I lost a friend in my old therapist and I’m having trouble not seeing myself as a failure for that.

The only thing I KNOW is what I need, but I have no idea where to find it: I need remote therapy available because I travel across the country several times a year and it’s just a much easier format for me because when I deal with people in person I get way too focused on masking my awkwardness and social anxiety. I also need a queer / LGBTQIA therapist because I’m genuinely tired of babystepping around cis ppls surface-level understanding of my trans experience. Having an ally as a therapist is truly not enough, I don’t want to have to explain the intricate details of what it’s like to be queer.

Sorry for rambling, I don’t wanna put too much of my private life online but it’s something I’ve been wrestling with for a couple months and I needed to write down what I was feeling. If you have any advice, a similar experience, etc, it’s very much appreciated.

[werewolf-femboy-maid]

me after another episode (multiple meanings)

yes, another "keep reading" this is gonna be fun

guys :"0 I got cooked by my own stupidity (malnutrition, dehydration, inconsistent sleep schedule, adhd, bpd, lack of self awareness, lack of discipline, not doing breathing exercises when upset, trauma, broken phone I didn't have money to pick up today, stupid university applications I still need to do, red40 from last night and undiagnosed autism) again, look it me the fried.

dude I was not having it man. Idk if it was the red40 again or im just a genuinely horrible person. I must hate people, I must not give a single shit about anyones feelings, im super selfish and I only care about my own useless opinions and feelings.

I literally do property damage. I littered today. I am just the worst person. and yet I am not "that guy". how can I be this shitty of a person and not be "that guy" but noOoOo if I even TRY to be violent he threatens me with the police. (I unbuckled and opened the passenger side door to see if I could just die while he was driving and slapped him multiple times at a later point not while he was driving)

I screamed so much guys it hurts I don't want to be alive. this next story was from a month or two ago already but yeah basically one day I decided to steal my potential mother's in law alcohol and now she's hiding it from me :}}}}

I am so happy with myself! look at what a trustworthy and safe and loving person I am with her son! wow what a great way to introduce myself to this new family that welcomed me wow (she even took me to a pride parade when my bf couldn't because of work. they've both taken me at least once by now)

wow and I told his catholic grandma that I hope god sends me to hell (she wouldn't stop talking) (yes im a bad person for that, that's the whole point of this post, to talk about what a shitty and fake and ungrateful piece of shit I am) (im looking for excuses to throw myself away because I cant take it anymore) (its either live a life of isolation or live a life of constantly making mistakes and "learning" and disappointing everyone in my life and constantly hearing shit from other people about how I don't clean up enough or how violent I am) (id rather die alone) (but im too much of a coward to break up) (wow I cant believe my selfish incompetent ass could ever want kids) (how sadistic could you possibly have to be to look at my miserable useless genetics and think I should have offspring) (its so delusional to even think for a second I was ever capable of a happy and normal marriage or life) (I will never be a good mother) (I will never be anything to anyone except another mouth to feed and a danger) (if my only two options is complete isolation or learning by listening to other people criticize my actions (which I inevitably think is my character) without getting violent, then I would rather be in complete isolation) (well I want to choose complete isolation) (but im a fucking coward and im addicted to substances so I don't want to leave yet) (im such a horrible piece of shit) (yes im making my mindset as shitty as possible just like he says I always do on purpose) (idk either, I don't know why I do that but I think its a subconscious coping mechanism that worked at some point in my life (I think I realized early on that if I just overwhelm myself to a crazy amount, I won't be physically be able to think anymore, and then I don't have to process the yelling) (I think that might be what happened and why I always instantly try to make my problems as bad as possible so I don't have to think about them because ive already lived out the worst possible scenario by the time im too tired to process anything else)

e

the world is evolving too fast for primitive humans like me. I can barely start researching EVEN TOPICS I AM INTERESTED IN and I cant stick on the screen for more than 30 seconds before I have to close the laptop and there's too many things

I don't even answer my messages, not here, not on snap, not text, not email, not anything, not reddit or anything I just don't interact. I don't even go to Omegle because I cant find the "right time"

its such a stupid fucking lie the "right time"

I don't even talk to many people on pony town. im so fucking sad, like talking to people was my thing

and I always say I am gonna shut up and I never actually shut up because I forget, I hate my voice so much rn I cannot just shut up, im sure everyone that knows me wants me to just kill myself so (I was distracted by a conversation irl here)

I mean yeah idk

its just survival of the fittest at this point, it is just faulty systems dying out and making way for stronger organisms. (this isn't about poverty or classism, fuck all that)

I don't think realistically anyone is cool enough to picture my head on a platter, and I don't think even more realistically that anyone actually wants me to straight up die. I could be wrong tho. maybe some day I'll pull someone's last little straw, and my food will finally be poisoned and I can just die! :)

he almost finally broke up, but he took it back like a fucking retard. I hate love so much, it's all a lie. "love" is really just a retarded coping mechanism where these people cant live without each other, but trying to understand each other is fucking hell, and either way, both parties are fucking miserable.

I have so much privilege and im wasting it all

my life is so nice and I am ruining and wasting every second. I could be so happy right now and I am throwing it all away because the world and myself make me believe I am a useless piece of shit, and the sooner I throw myself away, the sooner these people can heal and move on with their lives.

JUST SAY IT SAY IM SELFISH

SAY IM A FUCKING SELFISH PUSSY

IM A SELFISH PIECE OF SHIT

I WILL NEVER SCREAM LOUD ENOUGH

have some fun gifs

11 year old me doing my 30 math questions and daydreaming about being a Pokemon character for 7 hours after another screaming match while my younger brother finishes his homework faster and plays video games all day (oooooh that's what happened...)

:))))))) help me help me im about to die but not really because I was never brave enough to finally go

I need to go

I ne hhhhhh what's the point of this. im just talking to myself again like I always have. I didn't even drink water today. really? just the red40 and more discipline IS THIS WHY IM SO SHITTY

I have so much privilege and things to be thankful for and people in my life who should've thrown me away a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time ago, but they still sticking around anyway because they're all FUCKING RETARDED

this kind of mindset is why grape culture is still a problem (for those confused, im afraid im not referring to actual grapes. I wish from the bottom of my heart I was), because it's always the victim's fault for staying with the abuser. but now no one cares except the boy's family because he's a boy and is less likely to get [hysically hurt. I've already lost his trust tho. I guess that's what makes me even more not want to try, ive already ruined it. im still here in denial I guess. I lie to myself, "oh maybe sensory overload wont be that big of an issue if we have kids" "ill become more mature by then" "I can just discipline myself"

I had three fucking years. to just do my fucking breathing exercise any time im upset. and I cant even do that. I don't think I should be a part of society because no one will benefit from me. does this mindset also endanger other disabled people? yes it does. does this make me a bad person that doesn't care about other people? yes it does. I realized nature is so perfect because disabled individuals DIE.

I wasn't potty trained until 4, and I read somewhere that people who have anger issues tended to be potty trained later in life. so I guess im a shithead. I also had pneumonia when I was 3. I should've been dead.

don't worry about me I am very unlikely to die. im really just writing out my negative thoughts so I can stop thinking about them because I know I can just go back and look at this later.

I was tripping so many balls and I screamed so so loud out the CAR WINDOW....

there is no career for me besides the circus. except im not even funny, im just weird and annoying and violent. he's going to lose his job because of me. they're gonna pay more money to the apartment complex because I keep slamming the doors and breaking shit. I break so much shit I need to die. fbi please assassinate me at this point, I am literally only going to cause damage if I am kept alive. I should not have children. passing my genes down would be a crime. no human should live with such a poor miserable mind. im not doing that to my kids. I couldnt hope to ever apologize enough if I have a kid and they suffer the same way I did.

I have every blessing in the world and I somehow manage to be the most miserable scumbag piece of shit abusive person

he says he hates himself and he could not possibly hate himself more than I hate myself

idk what im even saying. I think my episode is almost done, but man the red40 is weird. im kinda at the point where im too tired to be angry and now im just kinda really tired and lightheaded and I cant pay attention anymore. my arms are weaker fingers cold.

I guess it was the red40 because I was doing alright but then I ate that last night. I also had another huge episode about a week ago (I broke up and also told his mom im breaking up) (yes and then I took it back after eating protein) (how am I still alive, you ask???) (please tell me idk either) ( my stress tolerance must be WILD) (im lowkey waiting for a random obsessive person to figure out the lore and say something mysterious or something idk I hate it when im in a rush and something is too mysterious and then I cant figure it out and it angers my poor fragile little ego) (yes im one of those people that give up on learning if im not good at it within 3 tries)

I suck at cleaning up after myself (I didn't clean the stove after cooking) and I forgot to mention I mopped the floors (there was grease on the floor and I didn't clean it when it was a puddle and it spread so I mopped the floor) but it's not useful to mop the floors apparently. just not as important as the stove because more stuff is on there. and the mop fuck I just feel so unappreciated but I also am aware that it makes sense that the stove is more urgent. I just keep putting my effort in the wrong places.

my movements are not steady I should drink water and eat something for the first time today

wait I had at least two dreams where I was screaming really loud but I couldnt hear myself what do those mean?

idk man I get torn between self pity and shame. its always one extreme or the other. its either "oh my god im so sad look at how sad it was omg why are people so insensitive when im obviously struggling?" or "omfg I cant stand

"you don't care enough to solve a problem, you only care enough to cause a problem" - my loving boyfriend whose family probably cant fucking stand me and is probably praying day and night for something to happen to me so I can finally be out of their lives

this is what I get for talking about my feelings. this is what I get. and he says im not paying attention to the context. maybe I am. maybe the devil is smiling as he separates us, a supposedly perfect couple.

I need to clone myself so I can fuck but also so I can kill myself and mutilate my dead body and wear my skin over my face and squeeze the blood from my heart into a basin of soju so I can take a bath in it and drink it all. i would also investigate the lungs if I remember to smoke with the clone before I kill it. dude smoking with my clone would be so cool but it would also make killing myself a little more sad

I think part of my problem is that one of my trauma responses is

Mind: oh man there's a lot of loud noise and hostile energy going around, and negotiating is not making it stop, what do we do? Mind: hmmmm how about we also get extremely loud and wear ourselves out so we physically can't process or do anything for the next 5 hours? Mind: wait excuse me what?

I wanna live in a little wood box alone in some forest for the rest of my life. I wouldn't be happy but id certainly be more comfortable. no person to please, no expectation from any human or animal, no task or thing I have to work on. just me, my delusions, and my little box. occasionally I will go and get food and water and that's it. I don't ever want to interact with anything again. I'll just die one day in the forest

which is what I would say if I wasn't a fucking pussy. im too scared to leave the people in my life and I love my mother too much. maybe I'll run away forever after my parents pass away. and I can be happy with my mom again. like I always wanted.

stay safe baby birds much love <3

and remember!

There's no such thing as the "right time".

[hella1975]

wait hold on a ursa takes both zuko and azula away fic??? idk how anyone hasn’t done this concept but hella you’ve tapped into a concept that has to be explored at this point! making it zukka is also just the norm around here too.

ah im glad you like the sound of it! i refuse to believe im the first to think of that idea bc i dont think ive ever had an original thought but there's definitely a lack of ursa exploration in the fandom. the thing with this wip is that it's going to be so ginormous and so multi-faceted that it's actually really hard to explain the plot of? like ursa takes zuko and azula with her but ursa is so damaged by what she's been through and is too busy prioritising survival to be loving anymore and their life on the run is so brutal that zuko and azula - still only 9 and 11 years old which is a big reason of why their relationship is able to heal, bc they're still so young - really lean on each other to cope. initially it's a survival thing, but they grow to just genuinely get on well with and care deeply about each other. and one way they do that is that zuko starts telling azula stories! like the two of them become huge avatar nerds bc of these stories and actually i might just give you a snippet bc this is rlly hard to explain LMAO

Neither of them had any idea how to just be nice to each other, but Zuko wanted to be nice. He wanted Azula to be safe. He wanted to protect her. She was his little sister. She always had been, and she needed him. Now, more than ever. 

“You know, Mother used to tell me about our great-grandfather.” Zuko said quietly into the shadows, a whisper to ensure Ursa, always so quick to anger these days, didn’t wake up. “You know he was Avatar Roku?” 

For a while, it was painfully silent, to the point Zuko was certain Azula wouldn't respond. Then; “Of course I know. Some of us actually paid attention in our lessons.” Azula sniped, but she sounded a little too cutting, in a way she only sounded when she was unsure. She didn’t like it when she didn’t know what Zuko was leading to. 

Zuko turned to face her direction, the cheap blanket scratching his chin and not covering all of his body. At eleven-years-old, Zuko was finally starting to grow into himself.  

They were in a town on the outskirts of the Earth Kingdom, barely a speck on the map, and currently, their names were Riku and Aoi. Ursa has been very clear; her children were to never use their birthnames, no matter how alone they thought they were. They were living in a cottage with half a roof, their mother funding the rent by sewing patches onto dresses for a seamstress. She was barely in the house, but Zuko knew even when they left in a few day’s time – as they never stayed in one place longer than a week or two – he would still barely see Ursa. He wondered if she knew how reclusive she’d become. 

“She told me stories about all the Avatars. I always wished she’d tell you them too.” Zuko said a little sadly. “I never understood why she didn’t.” 

This silence was different, and they both knew Zuko wasn’t just talking about the stories. 

“Tell me.” Azula breathed, so quiet Zuko almost missed it. 

“The stories?” Zuko asked in surprise. He had been waiting for Azula to cut him down, to tell him to go away like she used to. But...  

He realised maybe Azula wanted to be nice too. Maybe she was tired of being looked at like a monster by the people supposed to love her.  

Maybe she was just a nine-year-old girl who needed a bedtime story every now and then. 

“Yes, Zuko.” Azula hissed, and his name was so shocking it was like a curse. “The stories. Tell me about the Avatars.” 

So, Zuko did. 

“Water, earth, fire, air.” Zuko whispered, remembering how Mother told it. In the shadows, Azula’s eyes burned gold. “Long ago, the four nations lived together, but everything changed when the Fire Nation, the superior nation, began to share its wealth. The Hundred Year War began, and the only person able to stand in the Fire Nation’s way was the Avatar, master of all four elements. But when the world called for him, he fled...” 

It became a tradition, after that. Zuko would lie beside his sister on the nights neither of them could sleep, and after an entire day of hiding himself, he’d turn to Azula and just talk. In Kyoshi Island, he told her of Avatar Kyoshi murdering Chin the Great. In Makapu village, he told her of Avatar Roku – Great-Grandfather Roku – battling a volcano. And in the Western Air Temple, he told her of the Avatar who never was. 

“He’s out there somewhere, though.” Zuko uttered wondrously. “One-hundred-and-twelve, the last airbender. Can you imagine it?” 

“You’re in your head too much.” Azula sighed. She always pretended not to care, but as the months dragged on, she allowed herself more. First, it was in her asking for a specific story. Then sometimes, she’d slip up and laugh. In the fragments of these nights handed over to ancient legends, as scraps of lies left behind in their wake with every new roof they found themselves beneath, Azula was more herself than ever. She could be, in front of her big brother. That was something she learned. 

They learned other things, too. They learned that the Earth Kingdom was starving, that the Fire Nation was hated, that people weren’t rebelling; they were suffering. The story changed. When Zuko saw technological advancements that bewildered him in the Northern Air Temple, he stopped saying that the Fire Nation was the superior nation. When he saw children with burn scars and amputated limbs, he changed ‘began to share its wealth’ to ‘attacked.’ When the stories he told his little sister of the Avatar turned into a lifeline, a speck of hope in a world of ashes, ‘fled’ became ‘vanished.’

Zuko learned that a war was a war, that his father was not a hero by any means, that they got out just in time. 

And it was hard, but the two had their own rebellions. Zuko and Azula didn’t get on in Caldera, but out here with a string of fake identities behind them and a death sentence at the end of it, they only had each other. Their mother was a wound, their father was a blade, and they were, through it all, still just kids. They leaned on each other in the places they used to bruise. Azula took the softness she tortured her brother over and began to protect it. Zuko took the coldness in his sister he used to despise and chased it away. When Azula drew the curtains and hid in cupboards to hold a flame in her palm and just breathe, Zuko made sure Ursa didn’t catch her. When Zuko lay beside Azula and talked to her until she finally fell asleep, Azula didn't push him away. 

Azula, he whispered, and it was a promise that she could still be who she wanted to be. 

Zuko, she breathed back, and it was a recognition that, through it all, she still saw him. 

[toxooz]

What’s up with Gracrux? You mentioned he has dragon feet but looks harpy. How’s he come about? Lore wise and as a character? Also Rip Valon. The look on his face literally screams wtf have I done

ROIGHT SO he's a whole ass dragon since 'dragon' can have all kinds of varieties also I’ve been meaning to redesign his facial structure a bit to look a bit more subtly animalistic and less of a regular human face also he's got 4 wings and eyes and he can breathe fire and the circles on his wings can catch on fire as well

im assuming the feathers that make up the circle pattern are super flammable (perhaps naturally producing a chemical to make them that way) and the feathers around the circles can somehow create sparks by rubbing against eachother that allows the circles to catch on fire but yeah those are the key qualities as to why he's more classified as a dragon than harpy. and the sTORY buckle up bc its long and ill probs save this on google docs to b safe when im done lmao but basically there’s a big ol Queen harpy thats pretty much the same size as him (i still have to sit down and design her UGHH)( i currently see her in my in my head as like all white with some red accents but it may change) idk what their beef quite was yet but what I'm going with currently is Gracrux likes his environments to be literally fire and ash and smoky and swampy and just gross man ig how his species lives, and the harpies need trees and plants and fresh air and food and not die of lung diseases from all the smoke lmao so the queen made the land abundant of all that stuff but Gracrux ofc had a huge issue with that. He started setting mass fires everywhere destroying the harpies world and back then the queen was much more active among the harpies and she would fight him off when she could, but eventually she got tired of it so she hurriedly created a portal to a world where the harpies could have a safe haven until everything calmed down and surprise surprise it’s the human/monster world, so all the harpies rushed through the portal. Since this was quite literally an overnight thing, the monster world was overwhelmed with all of the new harpies literally everywhere, eating crops/ animals and other livestock and building their homes in Very Inconvenient places as they tried to cope with the new world so very soon the harpies were considered pests. It was encouraged to hunt them, catch them ect. so u bet ur ass ppl went to town hunting them for sport or for their feathers, talons, ect. and if they were ''rare'' or pretty they were often kept as pets or for shows or just stuffed u name it . Back at the other world Gragrux finally got the world to be gross and fire-ridden so he went in his giant dead tree in the middle of a bog that stretched on for hundreds of miles and went dormant (like IN that tree he burrowed down the middle of it almost to the roots). The queen was trying to find a better long term world to stay in or to find a solution but she saw how the harpies were being severely mistreated in the monster world and got fed up. She returned to their original world and realized that Gracrux was in snooz town (his species probably goes dormant for like 1000s of years) so she quickly fixed up the world back up again, leaving anywhere near Gracruxs bog untouched to keep him asleep until she figured out how to kill him. She made another portal back to the harpy world in a super discreet place that's almost impossible to find and signaled all the harpies to come back which was basically the Mass Exodus that I'd be talking abt. Very few harpies couldn't make it back due to being in captivity so they got left behind which going on through the timeline the inevitable meshing of genes would make half harpy monsters, like Eli:

but he is much further down the line when all this went down so the harpy genes are very much dying out, which is why he has malformed wings that are too small so he can’t fly and mangy looking feathers as opposed to the very smooth appearance of the original harpies and he is small in general while original harpies are like 10-15 ft tall. 

The Queen decided to devote her time to trying to figure out all of the possible outcomes of the overall situation, so she created Lilac to help out with the harpies and to watch over the land and to guard it making sure nothing from the other side of the portal finds its way in there(👀):

Lilac has the ability to grow plants n such like she can; she on the other hand went down in her own big ol tree that no one knows about and probably does like magic or something down there to experiment so nobody really saw the queen much anymore while Lilac kinda took her place as the overall “dad” of the harpies like they all look up to him, consider him a god to some extent, ect. Hundreds of years down the line and p much all the harpies have never seen the queen and most of them don’t even think she’s real while others go by a superstition that if you see her while flying you’ve been blessed in some way sO there’s all kinds of speculations about her, but only Lilac sees her almost regularly when he visits to give reports and updates. Gracrux stays asleep until a certain grudgie budgie (half jokingly??) woke him up to see if he could outfly him 🤦‍♀️ not to spoil too much tho BUT YEAH not to make a Long Post but i had to get retyping all that bc it vanished with my old blog out of the way so i may as well 😅 THX 4 THE ASK

[skullstarz]

dads when you have depression

-> father figure! present mic, aizawa, and all might.

i didnt know what to title this lol. i back. i uhhh have not existed for the last idk how long. i might explain what happened later if you guys are curious, its nothing interesting just my journey with trying to better myself 💆🏽‍♀️ [EDIT PRE POST: GAH DAMN WAIT IVE BEEN GONE A WHOLE MONTH... UM... IM SO SORRY]

warnings: uhhhh. homie idk obvious one is depression ig?? and language.

word count: 198 (present mic), 223 (aizawa), 225 (all might).

alternative title: i do not have a father figure so i must substitute my absent dad for a 2d dad LMAO ....

check out my masterlist for more of my works!!

PRESENT MIC

♡ the overly enthusiastic father figure.

♡ offers to drive you to the pharmacy for refills, therapy sessions, visits to your psychiatrist, anything you need.

♡ always makes sure you know that you can tell him anything, but also that he understands if something is too recent or uncomfortable to talk about, and gives you your space.

♡ tries to brighten the place, and makes your surroundings clean and lively so that your environment does not further depress you.

♡ is supportive of any type of way you try to cheer yourself up.

♡ you decide you’re going to try to eat healthy since you’ve heard a good diet can impact mental health? he’s all in with you, he’s giving up junk food too.

♡ is loud and boisterous to a certain degree. If he sees that its just irritating and frustrating you more than it’s making you laugh, he quiets down (dw, he’s not hurt by it).

♡ all in all, rather than just being understanding, he gently nudges you towards the self care route.

♡ no, not the face masks and bubble baths type self care, the cry it all out and dig deep to find what really is the issue type of self care.

AIZAWA

♡ the experienced and tired father figure.

♡ one of his “kids” is a traumatized little girl and the other is a sleep deprived homosexual, so he knows his way around dealing with trauma, depression, and pain.

♡ he’s much more chill than present mic, but he still worries his ass off because of you three.

♡ because of this little mentally ill found family you guys have, some days everyone is too emotionally drained so i feel like you guys have started a tradition of cuddling up on the couch to comfort each other without further stressing one another out.

♡ these cuddle sessions are very private though, because shinsou is probably one of those tsundere mfs.

♡ aizawa certainly has a unique and sarcastic way of joking around (as does shinsou) so i think he picks up on cues that today you’re just not in the mood and gives you a break.

♡ he’s much more of a sit back and observe type of person, only jumping in if he sees that you’re digging yourself a hole you might not be able to dig yourself out of in the end.

♡ he lets you take care of yourself because he wants you to learn how to be independent and form healthy coping mechanisms rather than depending on him.

♡ he still loves you and takes care of you willingly, though.

ALL MIGHT

♡ the inexperienced and stressed father.

♡ his ass probably reads books about depression because he just doesn't have a clue as to what to do.

♡ you know izuku’s broccoli ass probably has anxiety too so all might has a plate full of things to learn.

♡ he lets you explain and teach him what you think you need him to know and help you with, and never oversteps boundaries.

♡ he's very cautious about what may or may not hurt/affect you but doesn't show it all that much.

♡ it may at some times feel like he’s a bit distant but that's not because he doesn’t care about you, rather he is unconsciously putting space between you and him so he doesn’t accidentally do something wrong.

♡ lots of trial and error, but he takes it seriously and with some time and experience he gets the hang of being a father figure to you.

♡ he isn't the type to be visibly anxious or fretful, rather his worries are often things in the back of his mind or things he thinks about lying awake at night before falling asleep.

♡ he definitely seems like more of a serious/low energy person when out of his big muscle version so he goes out of his way a bit to ensure you know he cares even if he physically looks like he doesn't.

[calpops]

three month surprise | c.h.

Calum surprises you with a gift as your daughter turns three months old.

1.5k words

dates with cal masterlist

Copyright © 2020 calpops. All rights reserved. This original work is not allowed to be reposted on any platform in any format (translations included).

<< >>

Nights grow easier for you and Calum as the fact that Mila is okay starts to sink in. New rationalizations turn into mantras and coping mechanisms for long nights when neither of you want to sleep. The doctors wouldn’t have sent her home if she wasn’t okay. She’s okay. Calum repeats those words for him and for you, to convince you both that sleep is needed and when you wake she will still be in her bassinet by your bed, sound and sweet as ever. Though it’s a struggle, and for her first week you sleep in shifts just to be sure, as time goes on acceptance comes with it.

Calum’s parents’ visit helps with the anxiety. Having them on standby eases worries, having two more people around who love Mila reinforces the fact that if anything were to happen someone would be there, someone would help. His parents' adoration and instant love for her fills you both with warmth. The first moment they laid eyes on her a silence befell them, his mom’s mouth slightly parting with a tiny gasp and eyes wide with joy and disbelief. His dad stood still and quiet as he took her in his arms and finally broke to coo at her and sway with a rhythm that always puts her to sleep. Their help has been immeasurable in settling in at home and finding peace. Their departure came with tears and promises to visit soon—and requests to bring her to them so she can see where Calum grew up. You both have every intention to make a trip of it when she’s older and better able to handle that amount of travel. For now, zoom calls and FaceTime become a regularity so her grandparents can see her.

Time passes and her first month of life goes without incident and harbors love and laughter; tiny moments that add up to everything encompasses your time with her. Ashton, Luke, Michael and Mali all pop in and help out when they can. Her second month goes by in a blue and all too soon her third month of life approaches and Calum decides he needs to mark the occasion with something special. He keeps his thoughts to himself, wanting it to be a surprise for you, something sentimental you and Mila will always be able to remember.

“Good morning, little love,” Calum says in a soft whisper as Mila stares up at him from her bassinet. He gently picks her up, cradles her to him so her head rests against his chest and his arms wind around her. She’s still tiny, smaller than an average three month old though that’s to be expected. “We have big plans today, but you have to keep it a secret from mommy.”

Mila doesn’t squirm or squabble or make a noise and Calum takes it as a good sign of faith that their secret is safe. He carries her to the living room, planting little kisses to her smushed cheek as he goes, every moment with her precious and filled with love.

You’ve already left the house to run some errands and chase after some normalcy, as much love and happiness as there has been for nearly three months there has also been lingering anxiety and shutting out the rest of the world in favor of being with each other and Mila. You and Calum had a talk about it the night previous, thick words and teary eyes finally coming to the conclusion that something needed to give. You start with a baby step; going to a cafe with a friend and getting a few groceries on the way home. Calum uses your time away for the surprise.

He’s all set up for the surprise, supplies all laid out across the coffee table, his second in command curled up on the couch with a slightly wagging tail as he and Mila come into view. He settles on the couch next to Duke and in front of all the supplies needed. A long sheet of paper claims most of the table, paint, pallet and a rag claim the rest. Mila yawns in Calum’s arms, the little breath shutting her eyes for a moment and making Calum wrinkle his nose at how adorable everything she does is.

“This won’t take long, then we can take a nap,” Calum promises with a small laugh and gives her another kiss on the cheek then readjusts his hold so she lays on his lap and is held by his arms. He gently picks up one of her tiny hands and can’t help but coo, “Look at those hands, the cutest little things I’ve ever seen. Mommy’s gonna love this.”

Mila lets out a small noise, filled with joy, something akin to a laugh and Calum’s grin grows with the sound. She’s still naturally quiet and Calum enjoys the fact that you always tell him she gets it from him. But he loves to hear her little noises and can’t wait for the day that a true laugh sounds from her, until he hears dada and I love you. For now he’s content with the little noises of happiness and contentment she’s able to produce. Another small one comes from her as he takes her other hand and makes more comments about how cute she is, how tiny her hands are, how sweet she is, how much he loves her.

The surprise doesn’t take too long to make, Mila being compliant and relaxed helping the endeavor. Duke’s nonchalance and indifference also aiding in the smooth sailing. Everything is picked up and tucked away by the time you get home.

You’re not greeted by Calum and Mila as you mostly expected, instead you walk into silence and confusion. It’s only mid morning and usually Mila is awake and being tended to in some way. When you finish with the few groceries you find your husband and baby in the living room, one half asleep on the couch and the other sound and out in a strong and sure pair of arms.

“Cal, love, wake up,” you gently coax in a soft voice so as not to startle him.

“I’m not asleep,” he answers almost instantly but his eyes spring open and his tired voice betrays him.

“I’ll take her,” you offer and reach your arms out for Mila. “I’ll put her in our room. I don’t want her to fall,” you say though you’re sure she wouldn’t. She’s in between the couch and Calum, nestled against him with her head resting on his chest. Heart beats and a rhythmic sway are one of two ways to get her to sleep.

“I’ve got her. And we’ve got something for you,” Calum announces as he carefully sits up with a sleeping Mila still content and safe in his arms.

“Something for me?” you ponder and bite your lip, wondering if it’s a special occasion. “I don’t need anything but you two,” you say and when Duke pops his head up from beneath blankets you laugh and correct yourself. “You three.”

“Indulge me,” Calum says and stands, goes to you and gives you a kiss and a moment to greet Mila before stalking off to the bedroom. He leaves you baffled but comes back before you can call after him or follow them down the hallway. Mila is in one arm, waking with heavy eyes, and his other hides behind his back. You raise an eyebrow in question and slowly approach him when he beckons you with a look.

“I hope it’s nothing expensive,” you comment and when Calum shakes his head you feel a bit better. You’d much rather be giving Mila gifts than receiving any.

“Open it,” he says and finally brings his arm from behind his back to reveal a rolled up parchment.

You give him a small look before unwinding a red ribbon from the center of the paper and rolling it open. In your hands are the hands of those you love the most. Three little sets of prints lay on the page in different colored paint. Four hands in blue and pink right in the center and scattered paws in black dots along the page. Your lip quivers and your eyes blink back tears as a shaky breath escapes you at the sentiment of the present.

“We left a spot for you,” Calum informs and gestures to the space just big enough for your hands between his hands and Mila’s. Your fingers clutch the page with heartfelt emotions coursing through you.

You don’t have the words to express your thanks but a kiss for each helps to get the message across. “I don’t understand. Why? What prompted this?” you ask, baffled but appreciative of the gift. “It’s not Mother’s Day… is it?”

Calum laughs and shakes his head but pulls you into his free side. You find your way into his hold and revel in the comfort as you find yourself gazing at your daughter. “Mila’s three months now. I wanted you to have something special.”

“Thank you,” you say and lift yourself on the top of your toes to give him a kiss. “I love it. And all of you,” you add on and smile as you realize that though the last three months have been filled with trials and tribulations it’s also been the happiest time of your life.

<< >>

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[floating-in-limbo]

You're my sun, my moon, and all my stars.

Tw: self h*rm, depression, angst.

GN!Reader x Hawks angst

A vent fic I wrote because I needed to do something to cope healthily. I might write a short second ending, but idk. I didn't beta read this, but I'll polish it tomorrow and post it to my AO3 as well. Much love.

BNHA writing blog @hawksmodelofficial

The room was dark except for the faint light shining from your phone's screen. It was some what quiet due to the sound of your fan whirring, keeping your room cool. All this was part of your typical nightly routine and wouldn't be concerning except for the fact that you felt suffocated. Again.

You're sitting on your bed, the air blasting you giving you one of the only physical sensations you can feel in this state. Staring ahead into the black room, you sit and listen to all the horrid thoughts running through your head.

You feel numb and would give anything to feel something other than this suffocating emptiness. You tried your usual coping mechanisms: watching videos that usually make you laugh, listening to your comfort bands, distracting yourself with any sort of pastime.

None of it is working though. None of it has been working for a while now. This numbness, emptiness, hollow feeling consuming your body grows every day. Some days you can manage to push past it, jump over the hurdles and clear the finish line. Not today.

The last option you can think of before doing something harmful is to reach out to someone. You've been isolating yourself, but you desperately want their help at the same time.

Looking at the phone resting in your hands, you pull up Keigo's contact. It had been a couple days since the last time you two talked. He's the #2 pro hero, so he's constantly busy, but always tries to make time for you.

Y/n: are you awake

You sent the message and watched it deliver. You only ask because it's currently 3:26am and most people are asleep at this time. He responds a minute later.

Dodo Brain: what's up?

You're staring at his message. On one hand you're relieved Keigo's awake but on the other, you can already feel the guilt eating away at you for bothering him.

Y/n: i need help

Y/n: i hurt

You typed out the messages with shaky hands. Your chest tightens and you feel sick. You hate asking for help. Why should you make other people suffer because you can't help yourself?

Dodo Brain: are you ok, kid? what's wrong are you hurt???

Looking at the clock, it really hits just how tired he must be and how much you're intruding on his personal time. You decide to call off your cry for help before you make it any worse for him.

Y/n: ah yeah nvm dont worry about it sorry to wake you

You toss your phone onto your pillow. Once again, you're sabotaging yourself but you don't care anymore. Getting up from your bed, you head to the bathroom to get bandages, and tissues. While doing this, you fail to notice your text notifications going off.

Dodo Brain: kid what are you talkin about

Dodo Brain: why arent you answering

Dodo Brain: please answer me you're making me worried

Dodo Brain: im heading over now

Once you have your supplies to clean up, you head back into your room and sit back on your bed. You grabbed your hidden blade on the way and now just contemplate your actions.

Craving to feel something, anything, even if its pain and regret, you'll take it. You chose where you want to cut and begin, pulling a long line across your skin. You hiss at the immediate sting. Blood already begins to bead.

You continue to do this, almost in a daze yet you feel tears suddenly well from your eyes and fall. It hurts. Not just what you're doing, but what lead you to this point.

Unbeknownst to you, Keigo immediately flew to your residence. He grabbed the spare key you gave him and unlock the front door. Its eerily quite except for the faint sobs he can hear as he navigates the dark residence.

After you were satisfied with your work, you just sit there letting the blood drip down your skin. You'll have to do laundry but that's the least of your worries. You lean your head back against the wall and cry. Soft whispers of "I'm sorry..." leave your lips.

Keigo finds your room, using your quite cries and soft words to navigate. He flips on the lights and gasps at the scene in front of him. You jolt your head forward, eyes wide and you scramble to hide yourself. Unfortunately that only makes you wince in pain and open the wounds further.

"We need to get you cleaned up. Dont move okay? You already have bandages so let me do the work." Keigo's words dont really reach you but you sit there anyway.

He moves towards you with conviction but the energy around him is scared, nervous even. Sure he's seen your old scars before but never this. He grabs the bandages and antiseptic, applying them to all the wounds.

Every now and then you wince, and he immediately spills apologies. Your head is hanging low, you can't bear to make eye contact with him. Once Keigo finishes cleaning you up, there is an awkward silence.

"I'm sorry..." is all you can croak out before your sobbing into your hands. Embarrassment floods your head. Regret. Resent. Why did he have to come? Why did he have to see this?

"Fuck, kid. Please don't apologize. You didn't answer my texts and I figured something was wrong. I just wish I got here sooner." You can hear the pain in his usually cheery voice.

"I didn't know what to do anymore! I'm sick of feeling like this! Im sick of hurting so much that I have to hurt myself to distract from everything else. It's not fucking fair..."

Keigo stands in front of you assessing the situation. He reaches out to touch you but you shrink away from him. "Please leave, Kei...please...I'm tired."

"So am I, y/n but if you think I'm leaving you alone like this, I'm pretty sure you're the dodo brain out of the two of us." You smile ever so slightly. Its broken and he can tell.

"Let's get some clean sheets on the bed first, ok? Then we're going to sleep and I'm not leaving you alone. Not when you're hurting like this. Can you move?" You shake your head no. Not only do you hurt, exhaustion set in.

"I'm gonna pick you up alright, kid?" You nod and that's all he needs. Gently, he wraps his arms around your frame and pulling you into his chest. Red feathers move throughout your room, pulling the bloodied sheets off and tossing them into your hamper.

"I'm gonna set you down so I can grab the spares. Promise me, you'll be okay until I get back."

"Kei, you're just going down the hall."

"Y/n." His voice is stern but still soft at the same time. "Look at me." You gaze up at him and see the broken expression on his face. You never noticed the pain he probably feels right now.

"Pinky promise you'll be okay for a couple minutes." He holds out his hand, sticking his pinky out for you to reciprocate. You slowly do the same and cross fingers. "I'll be right back."

He leaves your room and you can hear him grabbing stuff from the closet with spare bedding. You sit with your head hanging down, eyes closed, thinking of everything. Keigo comes back with am armful of bedding and you shakily stand so he can change the sheets completely.

"Let's go to bed, okay?. I'm taking tomorrow off and I'm staying with you until we figure this out.

"You dont need to do that. I'll be fine, really. I dont want to burden you..." You can feel the tears well up again and you begin to shake. "Y/n, please. I can't bear to see you like this. You're the sun I see in the sky when I fly and the moon when I rest at night."

You look at him with disbelief. "Let's go to bed and talk more in the morning okay?" You nod and he moves you to bed, pulling you close but still aware of where you're hurt. His wings come around on top of you, almost like he's shielding you.

Your eyes slowly dip close as he rubs circles on your hand with his thumb.