#we are never trapped unless we choose to be

[petaltexturedskies]

Anaïs Nin, from The Diary of Anaïs Nin, vol. IV: 1944-1947

[amourdivine]

𝐖𝐇𝐎'𝐒 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐃𝐎𝐖 𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅? ઉ   PICK A CARD

Hello lovelies, I hope you're having a wonderful week! This is perhaps the first heavily shadow work focused PAC I bring to you. I'm quite nervous to post this, since I know delivering these messages can be difficult and I don't like taking a harsh, judgmental approach. I hope this reading resonates. As always, feedback is highly appreciated! If you liked this reading, please consider tipping me at @ amourdivinetarot@gmail.com! xo ♡

paid readings are closed as of february 2024

none of the images are mine unless stated otherwise!

pick a card masterlist & information

how to choose your pile.  take a few deep breaths for and look at each and of the piles separately. see which one brings you to a feeling, a place or a memory. take your time and feel free to come back to it later!

amourdivine. 2021 - 2024 © do not copy, redistribute or edit my content.

୨୧ PILE ONE

who is your shadow self? eight of swords • knight of cups • nine of wands • queen of wands

Your shadow self is the fearful side of you attached to anxiety. The side of you that does not believe you can save yourself from bad situations and feels endlessly hopeless, helpless and trapped. It causes a self-fulfilling prophecy, one where you think you'll inevitably fail, so you self-sabotage (either consciously or not) and end up "proving" yourself right.

However, as helpless as your shadow feels, it never asks for help. It's trapped in a spiral of shame and self-doubt, even self-hatred. All of this happens mentally for most of you, to the point where your body is neglected or stuck in flight / freeze mode. I feel stuck in the gutter, unable to move in the sticky mud. Despite your best efforts to succeed, you may suffer from impostor's syndrome as well, an inability to see your worth, your beauty and your own light. It's almost as if you're scared of your own power, pile one. Very painful, very self-inflicted and something which you may have learn from childhood, maybe you got bullied a lot or were heavily criticized by the people around you. If that happened, I'm so sorry pile one. You deserved so much better. You still do.

how can you work with your shadow self? nine of cups • the sun • queen of swords • queen of wands

You know, when I was entering college, I had a counselor whose words were life changing to me. One day, he picked up a cup full of coffee and asked me: how do you get rid of the coffee, without throwing it out entirely? And I was puzzled. It wasn't possible. Him, in his neverending patience, took me to the water station and started pouring water onto it, until the coffee was cleared away and all that remained was clean, crystal liquid.

Maybe the bad things that happened still haunt you, but they can be drawn out by the good ones. Seek for the light, pile one. Seek the nurturing experiences, the days when you allow yourself to just be, seek the help, the love and stay open to the love. Stay open to the idea that yes, you are worthy, even if you do not feel like it, even if so many people have made you feel otherwise.

These wounds may not fade entirely with time, but you are more than them, always. Always. I know it's never easy to challenge what we've been taught about ourselves, but in order to unlearn all of that, you will have to learn the new things, the true things about you. If they said you were lazy - was that really true? Or were you just tired? You're not "naive", you're pure. You're not "too sensitive", you're in tune with your emotions.

The stories we tell ourselves hold power. What stories are you telling about yourself? Maybe it's time to switch to a new point of view, one where you can rewrite yourself as the person you were never allowed to be.

୨୧ PILE TWO

who is your shadow self? judgement • five of swords • ten of cups • king of wands

Your shadow self is the side of you that thrives in chaos - listen, that's not entirely a bad thing, after all, our shadow reflects something which we need to acknowledge, nurture and work with. However, when you perceive danger or feel threatened, you may turn to harsh words or hurtful actions to avenge yourself.

It can manifest in the form of extreme competitive behavior, the inability to rest, overworking, even maybe envy, jealousy and arrogance sometimes. Now, I'm not here to judge or shame you, you're safe here. I think you have and still feel the need to prove yourself to others, to prove them all wrong. Maybe other people told you that you couldn't do it - and you took it all personally, so personally that it crumbles your self-esteem when someone diminishes your efforts or accomplishments.

Your shadow side craves attention, praise and approval. You want to succeed, to be someone you're proud of, to just never feel insecure, diminished or ignored again. You can also turn possessive with loved ones, wondering if they really love you or if they are lying. There's a lot of skepticism here, too.

how can you work with your shadow self? judgement • ace of pentacles • three of pentacles • eight of swords

Acknowledge your feelings and these insecurities. "Fake it 'till you make it" doesn't always work. Being vulnerable is, ironically, also being strong. Understanding your limitations and allowing for other people to collaborate with you (and vice-versa) will take you even further in life.

Your sense of justice is commendable. Make sure you're using it for justice indeed, and not just vengeance. Your ambition can walk hand in hand with your desire to do good, to make space for everyone else to shine, to open up to others, let them see all of you. No one can love perfection - even if they could, what's there to love about something or someone so perfect that they barely feel human?

It's okay to be scared, to feel insecure, to not shove difficult emotions under the rug. We cannot be at our 100% all the time. And we cannot please everyone, all the time. What you can do is praise yourself, let others praise you when they do and accept it gracefully, making sure you're spreading your warmth and wisdom to others as well. See, I think you have overcome a lot and a lot of people could use your help, either in the form of advice, resources or a shoulder to lean on.

You have leadership potential, pile two. Don't limit yourself by being alone. We were never meant to make it on our own.

୨୧ PILE THREE

who is your shadow self? ace of wands • page of swords • three of cups • king of pentacles

Your shadow self is someone who may indulge in harmful habits out of a need for instant gratification, maybe reckless spending, speed driving, partying everyday or simply not saving up resources and caring about the future. Your shadow self is someone who hates boredom, who craves excitement and cannot fully deal with long-term commitment in its many forms. It wants novelty, adventure and it comes at the cost of your responsibilities, your routine and your friendships even.

This shadow self hates suffering (fair enough, who doesn't?!) and will to go great lengths to avoid it... but ironically, it causes you more pain in the long run by avoiding the unavoidable. By never crying, never addressing your issues or your difficult moments, you end up running right back into yourself and these same issues return.

This side of you doesn't want to grow up - you don't want to fall into the trap of routine and a boring, 9-5 job. But excessive habits are difficult to maintain, no matter how good it feels in the short term. There's a difficult, troubled perception of adulthood and life itself. A need for constant adventure and chaos, a feeling of entrapment whenever you are with anyone who loves you, because you fear being controlled, tamed and used.

how can you work with your shadow self? the tower • nine of wands • nine of cups • three of pentacles

To put it simply, let yourself hurt. Let the foundations of your heart crumble, stop to feel just for a second. You don't have to be on the run all the time. What are you running from, pile three? Disaster, pain and hurt are often inevitable, but they do not have to be the be-all, end-all of our lives. The Tower is a reminder that all that crumbles was meant to crumble eventually, and there is beauty in letting things end naturally, allowing the flow of life to do its thing.

That means aging, growing, learning from the seasons. I think you have a very, very deep heart and mind you're scared to tap into. You're scared to be trapped in the endless hustle, to never feel alive or good once you "settle". But who says the big joys are the only ones that matter? As someone said once, big joys and small joys are often the same. Sometimes, waking up in itself can be an adventure. Don't overlook or underestimate the ways life tries to find you, to cling to you - remember to embark on the hard journeys, knowing you'll have gotten something valuable in the end.

You're brave and rebellious. You can be a catalyst for change in so many ways. Who said adulthood has to be boring? Who said you have to work a 9-5? Do you have to get married? Maybe being a stay-at-home parent isn't for you. That's okay.

Challenging the status quo may not be easy, but you have a natural inclination for it. Your shadow self can dive deeper. It's one of your greatest tools. Your need for joy and fun is not shameful - you can use it for healing, instead of self-destruction.

୨୧ PILE FOUR

who is your shadow self? judgment rx • justice • the high priestess rx • knight of swords

Your shadow self is the side of you that refuses to acknowledge your needs, your wants and desires. It makes you live inside of a bubble, scared of the truth, even if it will set you free. I had the hardest time shuffling for this pile, I kept trying and trying but nothing made sense. I think this is how your shadow side manifests as well, in the lack of clarity, the fogginess that permeates the choices you've regretted.

It's both reckless and frozen, completely lost in a maze, confused, looking for a path, for directions, for anything. It's almost as if you lost your compass, nothing eventually guides you and you remain looking for the directions only you have.

It's too scared to admit what it wants, who you are. Both out of fear of what other people will say, but also out of fear that it'll all go wrong. It's the side of you that remains disconnected from yourself, hidden because it keeps highlighting the aspects you keep trying to ignore, to not know. It can manifest in a lot of ways, either through people-pleasing or being completely reckless. Through lying, denial or even isolation from the world, from life itself.

Something funny is that a song by Bad Suns that just started playing really relates to this pile. "Cinderella slips into a dream like a curse / you could mistake it for heaven at first." This shadow self may live in projection, daydreaming or simply keep you out of touch with everything.

how can you work with your shadow self? six of pentacles • page of wands • two of wands • king of cups

Engagement and socializing are big ways you can work with your shadow self. Being actively curious about the world, about people. Approaching relationships, truths and life itself with genuine interest, no judgement or shaming thoughts involved.

Telling yourself you're an eternal student of this world, because we are and remembering you don't have to know everything. Start scared. Most things, you'll have to do it scared. Unprepared. In the thick of it all, you'll find the answers you need, but only if you are willing to dive deep for them. No taking shortcuts, making assumptions or allowing self-doubt to paralyze your living, because you need to witness life as it is.

Therapy is one big thing, music as well. Anything that connects you to your deepest self, relationships that genuinely make room for who you are, good friends that feel safe and non-judgemental. Your heart has been calling you for so long, pile four. It's about time you listen to it. It knows everything you need to know.

disclaimer. tarot not a substitute for medical and professional advice, nor is it meant to be taken as such. i do not take responsibility for any choice(s) made by you or others regarding my readings. please remember you are responsible for life and in power of it, no one else! ♡

amourdivine. 2021 - 2024 © do not copy, redistribute or edit my content.

[gluion]

finger trapped (ripped to its seams) ➵ myung jaehyun

myung jaehyun x reader

with an unexpected reunion, you and jaehyun relive the memories of cheongju—and confront what could’ve been between you two.

general genre/warnings ➵ friends to almost lovers, angst, fluff, gender neutral reader, some depressive and insecure thoughts, hurt/comfort, the last five years story-telling method (aka present will be told going backwards while past will be told moving forward… i hope that makes sense), brief mention of blood from picking on your skin, tiger parents so… parental issues, both of you come from cheongju for the sake of the story, unexpected reunion, keeping secrets & lying, jealousy remains but love triumphs, journalist reader (u kno i had to do it), reader is a nerd and jaehyun is a student-athlete, kms jokes from jongseob (all /lh), finger traps aren’t efficient after all

word count ➵ 15.7k words

playlist ➵ end of beginning by djo // high school in jakarta by niki // i know it won’t work by gracie abrams // no big deal (i love you) by dodie // keeping tabs by niki // no one knows by stephen sanchez & laufey // so what now by reneé rapp // i wish i hated you by ariana grande // the 1 by taylor swift // seasons by wave to earth

a/n ➵ it's finally out! this work is so so personal to me on so many levels so i hope you all love and treat this fic with care :')) for the bitches who struggle with parents and dreams.... this one's for you (i am in the same boat) i appreciate everyone who's been so patient and looking forward to this fic's release. you can access the changmin & hanbin vers as well! please do reblog and leave feedback!!

want to be part of my taglist? send me an ask! masterlist

present -> three weeks after the interview, 2024

the newsroom never sleeps. the rings of landlines and clacks of keyboards bounce off the four walls. through light bulbs or sunshine, light continues to remain. and at every corner, a journalist stands—ready to enter the depths of slumber but remain on their toes as they await for an update on their unraveling story.

but the newsroom is rarely busy unless there’s a major nationwide event, election season or the super bowl to name a few, for most journalists are out to discover what the world has to offer.

knowledge doesn’t only come from the chitchat of your coworkers. it’s only on the field that you’ll hear of hearsay and testimonies. after all, the choice to probe rests on your shoulders.

“there’s a typo over there.”

“huh? where?”

“over here,” you mumble as your finger darts to point at a section on the screen. “it’s supposed to say “with their climactic performance,” not climatic.”

“ah, i see it now. sorry about that,” lee jihoon of digital development says as he corrects the error. his hair is disheveled from the hood that once perched on his head during the night he spent in the newsroom. you would’ve scolded the guy—go home and take a shower before you stink up the place—but you are no better, grouped with the other journalists who stayed up in the office.

“there we go. should be all good. now, are you ready to go through the profiles?”

an exhausted chuckle departs from your lips. “yeah, let’s go—”

“what’s the update?” life and arts editor kim namjoon—your editor—comes to you with a smile.

the grey hoodie he wears paired with comfortable jeans shows that he’s a little relaxed. for once, you don’t see him on his phone, battling the deadlines or getting pitched stories by the other editors. it’s a nice sight but one that won’t last for long.  

“we just finished going through the article about the group, so we still have yet to go through the profiles.” jihoon then looks at you. “i can’t believe you basically wrote seven articles. like, six profiles and one main article is a lot. you didn’t want to work on it with anyone else?”

once namjoon stands beside you, you bump your shoulder against his figure. “i didn’t have a choice, did i?” it’s a rhetorical question but one your editor still chooses to answer.

“unfortunately, we’re understaffed, but it seemed like you got the hang of it. i wouldn’t have trusted anyone else to do it.” namjoon shoots you a smile before redirecting his attention back to jihoon. “and as much as i’d love to tell y/n more, we have to pick up the pace.” without any further questions, the three of you resume with work. 

there’s no time to waste in the journalism industry. still, his praise doesn’t go unnoticed. 

one article turned into eight done in a matter of 30 minutes, all with the help of three pairs of eyes to go through them. (namjoon seemed to carry the heavy lifting. after all, the guy was trained to be quick in reading and spotting errors.)

it should’ve been easy to keep up with your editor for all the other articles; you know each profile like the back of your hand.

then, the face of a boy who you once knew sits on the screen.

his gaze seems to pierce through your soul, almost in the same way you last talked to him. the loose ends of composure slip through your fingers; your breath’s stuck in your throat as the hammering of your heart fills your ears. yet, he stands still on the monitor.

as your eyes drift through the passages you’ve written, every sound is drowned out. the voice of your editor fades like the everchanging seasons and the clicks of the keyboard resemble the sobs you let out in the comfort of your childhood room.

and suddenly, the hands of the clock have turned all the way back to 2019. the cubicles transformed into aisles of chips and instant ramen, and you hear mr. kim’s voice in the distance—i have some hotteok! fresh from the pan! but amidst it all, you hear the giggles of the boy, your best friend, as he rushes towards you—i’ll go audition and make you proud. as your arm is wrapped with the heat of his fingers, you almost believe that your life as a journalist is nothing but a dream—

“i knew him.” the illusion disappears within a blink of an eye. namjoon’s eyes snap towards you and jihoon stops scrolling through the website. “we went to the same high school.”

you aren’t sure why you revealed that to your coworkers, let alone your boss. it’s an old memory—your weight to carry. before you can apologize for disrupting their work, namjoon’s hand rests on your shoulder, his thumb drawing shapes into it. when you look over at him, you’re greeted by his smile. it resembles your bed after a long day of work or a slow day at the newsroom.

but it never lives up to him, whose giggles resemble nature’s symphonies. the two shots of espresso you need at the start of the day once came in the form of his warm embrace. most of all, his smile is enough to illuminate the world even through the strongest storms and times when power went out.

for the remaining articles, not a single word leaves you. before you know it, all seven articles were ready to go up on the web.

“that’s all of it. should i still schedule them to go up around 12 p.m.?” jihoon notes as he saves the drafts.

“yeah, 12 p.m. still sounds good. thanks a lot.” namjoon nudges his shoulder before looking over to you. “let’s talk in my office.”

you don’t question his orders. once namjoon takes off, you follow him all the way to his office. as he swings the door open, you are met with the familiar sight of his workspace. hues of green and brown mix, where nature and art meet within the space of corporate.

once namjoon takes a seat on his chair, you find your spot across from him. his eyes stare off to the window. for a moment, you’re not sure what to expect from this impromptu meeting.

seconds pass and not a single word has been said—

“this place’s always alive,” your editor breaks the silence. “don’t you think so?”

you follow his line of sight. busy seoul never changes; the skyscrapers pollute the sky and the people never sleep, off to work or off to party.

“where’d you grow up again?”

you look back at namjoon whose eyes still remain locked on the city. “cheongju.”

he hums. “i haven’t been there. nice place?”

“yeah, but i haven’t gone back in a while.”

“when was the last time?” his eyes finally meet yours.

your teeth grasp the inside of your cheek. “2019, since i first left,” you admit. 

“do you miss it?”

you’re not sure how to answer. the pavements you’ve scraped your knees against and the walls your laughs bounced off of—do you miss them all? or is the reason behind your laughter and scabs the one you long for?

“is that why you were hesitant about interviewing them?” namjoon’s thumbs fiddle with each other. “because of your history with him?”

now, you stare at your linked hands. maybe the silence from you is enough to answer his question but you know namjoon would never settle for a soundless answer.

“i—i’m not a good person. and even if i didn’t make the choice to leave, i—” you hold yourself back. your fingers start to pick on the skin around your thumbs, peeling it so blood can spill. 

“it’s okay, i understand. you don’t have to share it with me.” your eyes drift back to namjoon, spotting a small smile that rests on his face. “it must’ve been hard to relive it all.”

the bond you have with namjoon is one that you hold close to your heart. through his mentorship, you got to learn about what it means to be a writer. the fears of being a journalist would loom over you, where questions of salary and demanding work hours would occupy your mind, but namjoon became someone who would absolve them all. he became a pillar in your life, one that provides you hope and comfort within the industry.

“so, don’t feel pressured to talk about it. but if you ever want to open up about it, then i’ll be here.”

namjoon’s giving you an exit. are you willing to take it?

you cross your arms as you lean back into the chair. “you know how i was a science major then?”

“yeah, i remember looking over your resume. and then i saw that you were part of your university’s publication.”

your tongue pushes against the inside of your cheek. “i would’ve gotten some job in that field, like, i had it lined up for me.”

“really? like lab coat and all?”

as namjoon attempts to hold back his laugh over the image, you chuckle along. “yeah, lab coat and all! it’s crazy how my life was all set for that field, but i’m here now.” you look down at your arms. “i think just facing him in a completely different field that i once used to imagine with him was just strange. but i think hearing his answers really did it for me.”

namjoon nods at your words. “care to have lunch with me?” your eyes snap back to your editor. “i’m guessing you want to talk about it, after all.”

all you do is smile before getting off your seat.

spring of 2019

the season of spring has graced cheongju; the sun gleams in the expanse of blue and birds perched on tree branches sing their songs. it’s the perfect season to embrace the wonders of the town.

while it would be a delight to bask under the returning warmth, you’re stuck within the walls of the classroom, head resting on crossed arms. 

still, the lilacs have yet to bloom.

“y/n.” you quickly sit up before your eyes settle on your adviser, ms. jeon, who stands in front of the classroom. “let’s take attendance.”

with that, you’re beside her as you call out each name on the class list. it’s a quick process of saying your classmates’ names for them to respond in variations of “present,” until you reach the section of last names that start with an ‘m’.

“myung jaehyun.” no response.

you rip your eyes off the piece of paper, only met with your classmates who either look at each other in confusion or spaced out in their own worlds.

“myung jaehyun?” when you’re met with the same reaction, you’re ready to mark the student absent—

“sorry!” the doors slam open. a boy clad in a white polo and jogging pants is panting by the entrance, covered in sweat as he rests on the edge of it. “sorry, i’m late.”

“oh, it’s okay! you arrived just in time.” ms. jeon smiles at the tardy student. as you watch him take a seat, his eyes lock with yours, but your adviser nudges you before saying, “y/n, proceed.”  

myung jaehyun made his name a few years back at a competition. the applause and roars from the crowd marked his spot in the school. others describe his movement as of cranes, standing in the middle of a pond as they do their best to minimize forming any ripples, or of elephants, swaying their trunks with control like no other.

but he’s a versatile dancer; nothing can truly capture him.

once you’ve finished marking the attendance, you go back to your seat. you’re ready to start the day with no bother but you can’t shake the feeling of being watched.

“now, you can see in these,” your art teacher, ms. park, points to the screen showcasing works from her favorite contemporary artists like kwon yongju and félix gonzález-torres, “that there are no borders to what constitutes art. and that’s not wrong because we have to recognize that art comes in different forms as we progress, from traditional painting and sculptures to digital ones.”

this field isn't your strong suit. with a greater understanding of the sciences, you struggle to create anything that could be on par with the works of any artist. yet, you enjoyed learning about every piece that your teacher shared, like unfolding and admiring something you know you can never replicate or create. still, the universe decides that they have other plans for you.

“as i mentioned before, i’ll be giving you time to work on your final assessment, which is to create an artwork for the class exhibit. for this deliverable, i’m asking that your work will be a collaborative one, meaning you aren’t working alone.” in a sea of chatter, some groans exit your classmates. “remember, inspiration doesn’t come from your own bubble! take this as your opportunity to create something that you’ve never imagined.”

within a split second, students are off their seats as they attempt to find a partner to work with. you, however, were struggling to think of who you could team up with. admittedly, you have a very different work style compared to others—even baek jiheon, aspiring valedictorian, didn’t enjoy working with you. she turned every activity into a competition against you. (you didn’t enjoy her, either.) while you’re considering shamefully going up to your classmates like a stray dog looking for anyone willing to care for them—

“hi!” in front of you stands the tardy student of today, all smiles as his hands find comfort in the pockets of his jogging pants. “do you have a partner already?”

with furrowed eyebrows, you can’t help but look him up and down. “no, why?”

“well,” jaehyun looks around the classroom, “everyone seems to have paired up except for us.” as his eyes drift back to you, he flashes you a smile, one that shows the dips engraved into his cheeks. “which leaves me to ask if you would like to work with me for this.”

you don’t have a choice. ms. park would never bend the rules for you. if anything, she would find a way to pair you with another student who would dread the idea of working with you. (“i’m sure they won’t mind being partners with you, right?” is what she would ask the poor student, only to be met with their retreat.)

“unless we accept a failing mark, which i’m sure we both don’t want.” it’s not like jaehyun had a choice as well.

“okay.” with one word, light fills his eyes, enough to resemble the starlight that grazes your skin every night. “we can meet and discuss our schedules, especially because i’ve got ap stat, and you have, uhm,” a cough leaves you, “training, i’m assuming, or rehearsals. i don’t really know what you call them.”

his eyebrows shoot up as his mouth parts open. “o—oh, yeah. i usually have training after class until 8 p.m. on tuesdays, thursdays, and saturdays.”

“same. my classes are until 7 p.m. on tuesdays and thursdays, so maybe we can use the other days to work together?”

with one nod from him, his dimples reappear. “great! i’ll see you tomorrow.”

before you know it, everyone finds their way back to their seats for ms. park’s final reminders. you do your best to pay attention to every announcement, jotting down every word on your planner and planning out your agenda for the upcoming weeks. yet, your eyes seem to have a mind of their own as they drift back to the boy who discreetly passes notes to hwang intak, another dancer on the team, all while listening to the teacher.

you don’t notice how long you spend staring at jaehyun until he turns to meet your gaze. in that split second, you look at each other—then, embarrassment washes over you. you shift your attention back to ms. park. as you drum your fingers against the desk, mentally kicking yourself over the interaction, you still can’t shake the feeling of being watched.

you look back at jaehyun; he’s still looking at you.

his dimples make their reappearance before he looks back at ms. park. you do the same as you attempt to listen to her ramble about banksy’s works. 

(you’re still thinking about the dips in his cheeks.)

the first time you get to meet with jaehyun for the project happens the following week. you two had different commitments to attend to, whether it be other projects or training. and while you would usually settle to meet in the school library or a cafe nearby, you find yourself inside the empty gymnasium, sitting on bleachers while your partner stands in front of mirrors.

“don’t you think it would be nice to combine our hobbies together?”

your pencil taps against the notebook. “like, your dancing? with what?”

“whatever you like to do!” once he makes his way to you, he leans on the row in front of you with crossed arms. “i mean, do you have anything you like to do during your free time?”

a scoff leaves you. “funny of you to assume that i have free time.”

“what’s your schedule like?”

“well, i have our classes and ap ones, then kumon at night.”

jaehyun reels at the thought of your schedule. “that’s brutal. the last time i had kumon was back in grade 4.”

“yeah, but i’m sure yours is busy as well. the amount of time that you put into training is…” his eyes are wide, hanging on your words. it’s the hope they hold that has you say, “admirable.”

a shy smile takes over his features. “yeah, but it’s only because my family is supportive of what i do.”

then, limbs whose color resembles the void slither their way to your heart, wrapping around it while the organ struggles to beat; it’s a slow process but an unending hole that will birth from it. yet, you do your best to fight off these limbs, unraveling them one by one in hopes it will give up—until you settle for shaking them off.

you only muster out a hum.

“do you have anything you like to do during those short breaks?”

your lips trill. “i don’t know. watch something on youtube?”

his cheeks puff up, stuck in his thoughts as he tries to navigate this project—and you—until his eyes glint. “what do you do when you want to vent?”

“you sure have a lot of questions,” you comment, trying to hold back a chuckle at his curiosity. “i can just adjust to you. maybe attempt to draw, picture, or even film you.”

his eyebrows furrow. “but that wouldn’t make it collaborative. i want us to work on something that aligns with what we do.”

a beat passes.

he holds your gaze. “i want us to create something that shows us.”

inside you, a gong is struck; its sound reverberates throughout your body, from the crown of your forehead to the tips of your toes. then, silence seeps in—a moment only for you and him.

“i, uh, write,” you whisper as your eyes shift to the notebook resting on your lap.

“really? like, stories and poetry?”

you nod. “i like writing people’s stories more, but i do like making ones.” when you look back at jaehyun, his eyes are still filled with curiosity. “i would, like, find interviews online and try to make my own, sort of, uhm—god this is embarrassing. forget about it.”

“huh? no, it isn’t!” he attempts to reassure your shrunken figure. “i mean, you don’t have to share more if you really don’t want to, but i’d like to hear more about it.” and when his dimples appear, you almost can’t help but feel your face warm up.

“i’d make articles, i guess?” he nods along with your words. “i don’t know, it’s just interesting to hear about people’s lives and kind of create something out of it, and i like thinking about all the possibilities of who would love to hear them. like, don’t you think that some of the stories that we read hold fragments of someone?”

“that’s an interesting way to look at it.”

as you doodle on your notebook, you say, “yeah, it’s just fun to hear these stories and maybe create something out of it. or even think of stories that i could never live out, you know?” you expect yourself to be met with the bored face of jaehyun but his eyes remain on you.

“what if you interview me?”

your eyebrows shoot up. “you?”

“yeah,” he stands up before walking up to your row, finding a spot beside you. “think of me as your first interviewee if you want.”

the sudden suggestion has you stumbling over your words. “huh? b—but, i don’t have questions prepared. and how does this help our project?” 

when his arms brush against yours, you start to become aware of the distance between your shoulders—and his face from yours. warmth spreads throughout your body, almost like you’re about to have a fever. once his open hand rests near yours, you don’t know what he’s asking.

“let me draw it out for you.” you hand him your pencil and notebook, allowing him to see your doodles. (you don’t miss his grin.) “you know, with that article you make, we can cut it up and create something out of it.” a roughly drawn sketch of a boy posed in the middle of a dance move now rests on the page. “i don’t know if a collage would be okay.”

as you think about what can be done, you perch your chin on your palm. “we can do papercut art? basically, it’s cutting up the article in a way to form an image.”

“oh, that sounds cool!”

“yeah, but the only challenge is that we can only use one piece of paper.” a sigh leaves you. “it would be impossible for me to even do that.”

“that’s why you have me.” his small smile causes wind chimes to ring. (you’re positive you heard them, even if there were no such things in the gymnasium.)

he continues to sketch out the layout of your joint artwork. “how do we feel about this?” on the paper, there are two boxes beside the figure, where one is labeled as “photo of me” while the other is labeled “an article by y/n.” your head tilts. “it’ll be a three-set piece. so, it’ll be a photo of me and your article, and in between is the papercut art that we’ll make.”

you hum. “you know, you’re very creative.” you look at him only to see that he’s been staring at you. “like, you’re inclined to the arts. i wouldn’t have been able to think of something like this.”

“you’re just as creative,” he argues back as he writes down something.

you shake your head before retorting, “jaehyun, you’re very talented. i’ve seen the way you dance,” his movements halt, “and you’re like no other dancer i’ve seen. if you ever try out to be an idol, i’m sure you’d do great, maybe end up on the list of the best dancers in the industry.”

but he shakes his head, going back to writing on your notebook and shutting down your compliments. you decide to not push.

“i can get the photo sometime during my training,” he says as he hands you your notebook.

“then i can have the questions sometime this week. for the article, i can have it done maybe four days after the interview. how does wednesday, after school, sound for the interview?”

he shoots you a smile before standing up from his seat. “that’s perfect! i’m looking forward to meeting journalist y/n.” you can’t help but scoff at what he calls you. “what’s wrong?”

“nothing,” you shake your head. “it’s just a silly name.” because the reality is that you had your future planned out—and it definitely didn’t involve that field.

he shrugs. “i don’t know, i think it would fit you.”

“but you haven’t read any of my works.”

“but i want to root for you in the same way you do for me. i don’t want you to feel ashamed of your works.” a fire ignites in your heart; it’s a fireplace.

you’re baffled that jaehyun, out of all people, now holds your secret, but you’re even astounded over the idea of him supporting you. you almost can’t remember the last time you heard such words of support. is it genuine or nothing but a facade?

“anyway, i’ve got to go. i need to catch up on some homework.” while you shoot him a nod, his dimples make their appearance once more. “i’ll see you tomorrow!” as he takes off, you’re left in the gymnasium with your opened notebook and unlocked heart. you look back down at his sketch surrounded by your doodles, but you don’t miss his little note—cute doodles btw <3

the season of spring has unfolded in cheongju; a single lilac has bloomed.

present -> a day before the interview, 2024

it’s a late night on a tuesday, about to be a midnight wednesday, and you’re in a convenience store as you scout for your dinner. all hauled up in the newsroom, the idea of ordering food during a time where restaurants would still be open slipped your mind. now, you’re left to scan through the same options you’ve eaten for the past years since you started living in seoul.

the convenience clerks are familiar with you, both kim jongseob and kim jiwoo. with your constant late-night meals at the store, you’d talk to whichever one had a shift. jongseob is saving up to upgrade his setup at home to record more music. with all the stories he shares about his time in underground rap battles along with the short verses he’s performed for you, you’re positive that he’ll get signed to a label soon. as for jiwoo, this is one of the many jobs she has in order to save enough money for fashion school. you’ve seen her sketches and outfits she’s put together and you’re hoping that she’ll get accepted.

a sigh leaves you. you didn’t have a problem with eating the food here but you were craving for something new in your life in seoul. the perpetual cycle of eating takeout food and unconsciously skipping meals for work needed to be disrupted just for a moment. but you weren’t seeking michelin-star food—all you wanted was something home cooked. something from home.

the spice of tteokbokki, the burn of freshly fried hotteok, and the sweetness of homemade peach iced tea—mr. kim’s convenience store had it all.

your tastebuds long for cheongju.

“planning to beat your record of spending 23 minutes on deciding what to get?”

you roll your eyes before looking to your right, seeing jongseob stock up the drinks in the fridge. “i hate you.”

“what? i’m just saying, you’re taking a lot longer to decide today.” he chuckles before placing the last bottle of sweetened probiotic milk in the fridge. “none of the options look good to you?”

“sort of,” you hum before you scan through the aisle of packaged meals. “i think i’m craving for something different.”

“i get it. the food here can get boring, which is why i’m planning to order pizza if you want to split the costs.”

your eyebrows shoot up at jongseob’s suggestion. “really? you’d share pizza with me?”

“yeah, as long as you pay for your share.” he shoots you a smile before grabbing on a trolley carrying empty boxes. “unless… you want to pay for the whole thing.”

you bite back a smile as you shake your head. you should’ve known the guy would ask you to buy him food, but you knew that he needed the money and you at least had a stable income to keep you comfortable. “fine,” jongseob’s smile grows as you fish out your wallet from your pocket and pull out a couple of bills. “just order enough for us two.” 

“of course,” he says as soon as you hand him some money. “i’ll make sure to order the most expensive thing on the menu.”

you scoff at his joke. “just make sure to treat me to something.”

the bell by the door chimes. “sorry, can’t hear you over that! need to attend to a customer!” jongseob dashes away from you while dragging the trolley. that little shit just knew how to press your buttons, but you love the kid, anyway.

still, you stand in the middle of the mart and your heart longs for home.

then, you shut your eyes, and you’re transported back in front of the familiar aisle filled with bags of potato chips and sweet corn. the noisy fan along with the soft sounds of mr. kim’s korean drama fills your ears. a mix of yellow and orange hues paint every corner of the mart, including you—and you’re not alone.

your best friend stands on your right, wearing the unbuttoned school uniform polo over a tank top along with jogging pants. he’s lost in thought as he scans through the options of snacks you two can have for today’s afternoon. he starts to giggle to himself, probably from a silly thought he’ll share with you in the next second or a memory involving you, and the dips in his cheeks appear—your heart thumps in your ears.

and just like how quickly you were transported back to cheongju, your surroundings transformed into the cool-lit convenience store found in seoul. all you have left is the image of him bathed in the sunlight.

but he fades away like the ink on old receipts, never gone, because the glowing image of him warps into a different version who stands next to you in the cold mart. he’s grown a few inches taller and his hair doesn’t get in the way of his line of sight. while he wears a green sweater, you notice that he’s gained some muscles. his eyes scan through the aisle behind you filled with different brands of instant ramen.

but he bites the inside of his cheek and his dimples appear.

it’s a tornado that brews within you, enough to uproot trees and displace buildings, all because of an unexpected reunion with jaehyun. why did the universe decide to bring two ex-best friends on a random tuesday night? what brings him to the convenience store at the same time you’re there? and why did it have to happen a day before the interview?

you weren’t going to commit the same mistake; keep your eyes off of him and make your way out of the store. it didn’t matter if you had an empty, growling stomach, or gave free money to jongseob. you need to leave without the distant, familiar face noticing.

your feet act fast, and you're almost certain that might’ve caught his attention, but it didn’t matter as you see jongseob standing behind the cashier with his phone out. “i just ordered the pizza. it should arrive in about… 20 to 30 minutes.”

“yeah, about that…”

“don’t tell me you’re taking your money back.”

at the sight of jongseob’s pout, you roll your eyes. “no, keep it. i just—i need to go.”

“what? why?”

you peek behind you. it seems like he didn’t recognize you, after all. “i’ve got… work!”

“but don’t you only have your interview with boynext—”

“hey!” your fingers snap at him. “you cannot—i mean, you just… just take the goddamn money.”

“but we’re supposed to share the pizza. you haven’t eaten.”

an exasperated sigh leaves you. “jongseob, just treat me next time. i can eat at home.”

and you’re ready to leave the convenience store, bid farewell to jongseob and a delicious pizza made for two, and never greet or say goodbye to the living fragment of what you last know of cheongju—

“y/n?”

and the plan failed.

when you meet his gaze, you’re able to take in the different version of him. he’s grown so much—it’s such a pain that you weren’t there to witness it. his eyes are a pool of emotions; you can’t identify them.

all it takes is one breath from you. “jaehyun.”

a beat passes.

“i’m just gonna… go through the storage,” jongseob points his thumb at the back of the mart, “and maybe kill myself afterwards. i don’t know.” before you can protest, he’s already gone. (and he still has your money. that fucker.)

you and jaehyun were once painted with the hues of the sun. this reunion is tainted with blue.

jaehyun’s fingers tense up, almost as if he was hesitating—debating—on how to approach you. his body would waver, but he never took a step towards you. “i… i wasn’t expecting to meet you here.” 

“same here.” you lean your back against the checkout counter. “d—do you stay around this part of the city?”

he shakes his head. “i live around 15, maybe 20, minutes away from here. i’m only here because…” your breath gets caught in your throat. “i don’t know.”

fate. that’s what brought us here.

“do you live here?”

you nod. “yeah, ever since—” the sentence never gets completed; you and him already know.

for a moment, sorrow flashes in his eyes, but a smile shows up. the dimples don’t appear. “i, uh, i was going to get something from here but it seems like your friend is busy.”

“sorry about jongseob.” you whip out your phone and scold him through text. “he should be with us in a bit.”

jaehyun hums before walking to the freezer filled with different ice cream. as he looks through the selection, he asks, “do you still like twin bar?”

“y—yeah.”

“still the grape flavor?” you don’t know what to say, but when his gaze meets yours, you settle for a nod. with your favorite ice cream in one hand and a sandwich in the other, he finally walks towards you. you don’t miss the slight stagger in his steps.

jaehyun finds his spot beside you. there’s still distance between you two—two tiles worth, enough space for one person—but it’s enough for your muscles to freeze. thankfully, jongseob comes just in time to manage the cashier (with an awkward smile plastered on).

he scans jaehyun’s item first before grabbing onto your ice cream.

“oh, i’m paying—”

“no, let me,” jaehyun insists. “you can always treat me another time.”

you bite the inside of your cheek, thinking over the second half of his sentence. jongseob holds back from scanning the item, until you shoot him a nod. jaehyun pays for the food before jongseob hands them to you.

“i’ll just let you know when the pizza gets here.” his small smile is enough for your shoulders to ease and a quiet exhale to leave. a small nod is all you give him.

you follow jaehyun outside to the tables in front of the mart. once he’s settled on a spot, you sit across from him. he tears away the plastic wrapping of his food while you play with the ends of yours. 

while he swallows what you assume to be his dinner of the day, you’re left to swallow your own pride.

“i’ve seen your performances.” his chews halt. “you’re—” captivating. “you’ve improved a lot.”  

with one gulp, a shy smile takes over his face. “i still have a long way to go.”

“you always say that, even back then.” a half bitten sandwich now rests on the wrapper. “but i admire your drive.” always have.

while a different version of jaehyun sits across you, the one you knew back in cheongju still lives. in the busy, unfamiliar expanse of seoul, meeting five years later, he’ll never be stranger. you could never treat him as such, even if you wanted to.

“there’s always room for improvement,” he says.

you hum along with his sentiment. “did you stick with early childhood education?” you’re met with his orbs that hold a thousand of emotions, some you can name as shock, confusion. a question hangs in the air—what did you deserve to know?

“sorry, i’m assuming you still went to college, which is totally fine if you did or didn’t, by the way. and it’s also okay if you didn’t stick to your major. i mean, you always talked about pursuing a performing arts degree before—”

“y/n,” he giggles, “you’re okay. i still went to college but i took media & communication.” your eyebrows shoot up at the revelation. “i thought it made sense to study something related to what i do, just the more technical and theoretical side of it, i guess. and the online classes were easy to squeeze into my schedule.” he lifts up the sandwich. “what about you?”

“uh, i ended up in the same course as well.” a hum of shock leaves jaehyun. “yeah,” you chuckle, “i managed to shift courses.”

“that’s amazing! i’m happy for you.”

you smile at him. “thanks. now, i’m just—” you should tell him what you do. what would be a better time to reveal that you ended up in the path he dreamed for you to be than now? “—figuring things out.”

with your vagueness, jaehyun only nods before munching away. if there’s anything about you that still remains, it’s that you shouldn’t be pushed to share something you didn’t want to talk about. he still knew that.

as he finishes his sandwich, you tear off the plastic wrapping of your ice cream. with the twin bar in your hands, you snap it into two before you hand him a piece. confusion paints his features, wide eyes glossing over the popsicle in your hand, but he takes it before you can say anything.

“thanks.”

you shake your head. “don’t even worry about it. it’s only tradition.”

silence settles between you two. as you eat away on your share of the twin bar, you look up to the sky. from where you sit, you can’t see a single star; the lights of seoul seemed to outshine them. and during those moments, you almost can’t help but miss the view of the starry night from your childhood room.

you glance at jaehyun who looks up to the sky as well. yet, one hand remains in his pocket, almost as if he’s fiddling with something. 

as if he feels your eyes on him, he asks, “did you ever think about coming back?”

you halt your movements. if there’s one thing you were expecting your old friend to ask, it would be related to your sudden departure. but you’re hit with an entirely different question, one you didn’t get to rehearse the answer to in case you ever cross paths with him. 

because after all this talk about your yearning for cheongju, why didn’t you choose to visit? despite how much you long for mr. kim’s home cooked meals, skies filled with stars, or the presence of your best friend, why didn’t you ever come back?

if you miss home, why is your first instinct to run away from it?

and the reality is that you do think about it all the time. since you left cheongju, you drafted out how many plans to go back. you were homesick, missing the familiar landscape you spent your entire childhood growing up in. but most of all, you missed jaehyun. as long as you had him, you would survive anywhere, whether in seoul or cheongju.

despite how much you yearned for him during your years away, you learned that your relationship wasn’t always filled with the warmth that would grace you two every afternoon. for so long, you’ve sat with jealousy. while his family was his pillar of strength, you were met with a home that offered nothing but criticism.

the black limbs slowly ate away at your heart; the void was born.

it became easier to remain resentful. with the distance, you weren’t faced with jaehyun’s genuineness. yet, with time, you discovered that you still cared for him—regardless of your jealousy—because you still wanted more for him than you did for yourself.

for a long time, you resented. now, it’s only guilt that held you back from going back to him.

so when you remain silent, jaehyun takes it as your answer.

and for the first time, the distance feels greater since you first left cheongju.

summer of 2019

it’s the peak of summer. amidst the expanse of verdant fields, bees seek solace in the fully-bloomed sunflowers and kaleidoscope wings illuminate as they soar.

but summer is where mouths go dry and clothes cling to skin. as days blend with each other, the comfort of your bed is all you have until the season passes.

the fan rumbles against the wooden floor, doing its best to cool you, but the heat prickles against the back of your neck. the wind has turned into nothing but hot waves. with your elbows perched on the desk, a sigh leaves you as you attempt to make sense of the worksheet filled with math equations.

your room is your favorite place in cheongju. within these four walls are scattered fragments of you, from your favorite books and mangas that rest on the bookshelf to the stuffed toys that rest on your bed. book tabs stick out of your workbooks lined up on your desk and your cork board is filled with crossed out to-do lists.

and every once in a while, you would look out through your window, admiring the neighboring houses and all their greenery. as people walk on pavements, you cannot help but think about where they’re off to—are they on their way to work? did they leave an important document back home? or are they coming back to a meal and home filled with warmth?

despite the halo soundtrack filling your ears, the cogs in your brain seem to drown them out. the numbers on your paper have jumbled up. it should’ve been easy. after all, you’ve become friends with the letters who’ve squeezed their way into math. once you’ve wrapped up on this assignment, you know you’ll wake up to another set of work to do. it didn’t help that you’re stuck watching kids your age enjoy their break.

with a tired mind, you consider making yourself another cup of iced coffee. maybe another dose of caffeine will make sense of the numbers—

your phone buzzes against your table. as your eyes rip from the unfinished worksheet, you spot the familiar name flashing on the screen. with one glance at your door, you bring your headphones to rest around your neck. it takes three rings for you to answer.

“what do you want?”

“the fuck? what’s wrong with you?”

you roll your eyes as you fiddle with your pen. “i’m studying, you fucker.”

“on a sunday?” jaehyun’s question has you only groan. “what happened to resting?”

“i wish,” you murmur as you scratch the back of your head. “i’ve been stuck on this stupid worksheet for the past hours. it’s annoying too. i mean, i already know this topic, so i don’t know why it’s so hard.”

“awe, is my best friend suffering over kumon?”

your forehead rests on crossed arms. “yes. i think i’m going to die.”

“okay, then. i’ll take that as my sign.”

“sign to what?”

he chuckles as if it were obvious. “to save you! let’s go to mr. kim’s.”

a groan leaves you as your back meets the chair. “no, i can’t. do you know what would happen if i don’t finish my kumon?”

“uh… no?”

“me, neither. i’m not taking my chances.”

“but, you’re not even doing anything!” jaehyun pointing out the obvious has you rolling your eyes. “wouldn’t it be better to take a break with your best friend? i can even help out.”

as you bite the inside of your cheek, you glance once more at your closed door. you weigh it out; would you rather take a break with your best friend or would you save yourself from the consequences brought by home?

but the answer was already clear. “give me 10 minutes.”

jaehyun laughs before you drop the call.

it’s the smell of fresh hotteok that greets you. the quiet buzzing of the fan accompanied by mr. kim’s favorite trot music fills your ears. while the owner seems to be away from the cashier, a white, stray cat takes over, body flopped on the counter as it snores away the heat. as the sun pours through windows, coating every corner of the mart with a glow of fireflies, you know this will be a place of its own.

“y/n, over here!” a familiar voice calls out. as you whip your head to the source, you see your best friend by the chest freezer, eyes crinkled and all dimples.

now, you’re certain that nothing could ever replicate this.

you walk towards jaehyun, finding your spot beside him as you two look through the collection of frozen treats. “so, what do you want from here?” you ask.

“uh… i’ll be honest, i just realized i’m short on money.”

you glance through the price tags, only for a groan to leave you. “i’m short too. when did mr. kim raise the prices?”

“no clue. i thought i’d have enough to get a summer crush,” jaehyun complains as his eyes are glued to the coffee sorbet. “i hate inflation.”

“come on.” you fish out for the coins in your pocket. “let’s see how much we have together.” jaehyun does the same. with palms out, you two count through your shared funds.

“we can get a summer crush!”

“you can get one. i’ll be left with barely anything.” you look through the selection once more. “man, i really want samanco. the red bean sounds so good right now.”

defeat casts over jaehyun’s features. for a moment, you almost consider giving up on having a frozen treat and settling for a glass bottle of orange soda, until you spot a familiar popsicle brand.

“holy shit, it’s right there.”

“what?”

“there!” your finger points at the stack of twin bars. “we can probably get that and split it.”

jaehyun’s expression morphs into realization. “okay, let’s get—”

“dibs on grape.”

“dibs?” he furrows his eyebrows at you. “you can’t just call dibs. you’re doing it wrong. clearly, we should discuss—”

“nope,” you retort. a chuckle laced with disbelief leaves your best friend. to him, it seemed like you were joking around. “i made the suggestion and contributed a lot more to our shared funds.”

“okay, but—”

“don’t tell me you want the peach flavor more than the grape.” as you continue to shut him down, he knows there’s no way around you.

(plus, he wasn’t a fan of peach-flavored things, anyway. how unfortunate that mr. kim only has those two flavors right now.)

“next time, we’re choosing a flavor that i want,” he gives in. you let out a cheer before grabbing the frozen treat.

you two make your way back to the cashier and spot mr. kim slouched in front of the television, hand stroking the sleepy feline. he’s still wearing an old, red plaid apron on top of a pair of basketball shorts and a loose graphic tee which had the name of a band you’re unfamiliar with. with how he sits, you’re afraid that his back problems will get even worse. (still, you don’t say anything. he’ll only play it off and say he’s still one of the “youngins”... whatever that means.)

once his eyes land on you two, a grin takes over. “ah, my favorite kids! it’s nice to see you both.”

“yeah, it’s been a while,” jaehyun starts off. “y/n’s always busy with kumon.”

you narrow your eyes at the boy. “hey! you’re busy, too! you’ve been practicing at the studio almost every day!” the wrapped popsicle now rests on the counter. “every time i’m free, you’re not.”

“hey! whenever you’re free, i’m tired from training!”

“okay, let’s settle down,” mr. kim breaks up the banter. he then takes note of the ice cream on the cashier, the price showing up on the cashier. “isn’t the heat hard enough for you two to be studying or practicing?”

“yes, very much.” you count the coins once more before dropping the exact amount on the counter. “but,” you glance at jaehyun and his disheartened expression is enough for mountains to move, “i don’t think we have a choice.”

in reality, these were the circumstances you two had to work and live with. during the days jaehyun ended practice early, you were drowning in summer school assessments. whenever you managed to finish your homework, it would be during the hours your best friend was off at the studio or passed out at home from exhaustion.

“choice, no choice, people always say that.” mr. kim counts your payment before putting it into the cashier. as he takes note of what you’ve bought, he says, “everyone has a choice. i’m sure you two can figure it out.”

the only difference is that one chose this path; the other had to suffer from the decision forced onto them.

“don’t worry, mr. kim,” jaehyun nudges your shoulder. “i’m sure we’ll figure it out.” and when the dips in his cheeks appear, you find yourself smiling back.

maybe you were okay with the life you had to live, just maybe.

“anyway, we’ll go ahead,” jaehyun bids farewell to mr. kim.

you giggle. “he means we’re just going to eat our ice cream at the front.”

as you two slowly make your way out of the mart, mr. kim shakes his head. “you lovebirds go ahead. i’ll see you next time!”

“mr. kim!” you and jaehyun shout in unison before glancing at each other.

“what?!”

your best friend groans. “you know we aren’t together.”

“yeah! like, i can’t imagine it,” you join in.

still, the owner laughs at your reactions. “you two are so funny. just go and enjoy your ice cream.”

you roll your eyes at his words. “bye, mr. kim!”

with that, you and jaehyun were out of the mart and took a seat on the benches. you hand your best friend the wrapped frozen treat before letting out a sigh. “i still can’t believe this is one of the few times we got to meet up during the break.”

“i know.” he tears the plastic wrapping off. “you would think that summer break would mean we get to hang out nonstop, but i’m starting to think we saw each other more whenever we had school.”

you hum. “i know. and i had ap stat while you had training.” your eyes dart at jaehyun who grips onto the popsicle sticks, struggling to split it into two. “oh my god, don’t tell me you can’t split it.”

“hey! it’s hard.”

as you giggle, you reach your hand out. “let me do it.” once jaehyun hands you the twin bar, you attempt to split the two. for a moment, you almost think about agreeing with him. yet, the frozen treat splits into two perfectly, and a satisfied smile rests on your lips.

you hand him one popsicle, only to be met with his glare. “i know, i’m just better.”

“just shut up.” to that, another laugh leaves you.

under the sun, you enjoy the coolness of the twin bar. while you would’ve stared off to nowhere, you and jaehyun were here at the right time to catch civilians bustling away. some were on dates, where one would go on about their interest while the other would smile at their rambling. there were kids whose chatter could be heard all the way from the end of the block, and blue-collar men who were off to enjoy their break.

you can’t help but imagine what people saw—thought—of you and jaehyun. did they think of you as unexpected friends? has it ever crossed their minds that you two were only classmates who seemed to always be paired together? or did they ever think the same as mr. kim?

“you know,” jaehyun starts off, causing you to look at him, “i was going through college courses the other day.”

your eyebrows shoot up. “oh?”

with your reaction, jaehyun giggles. “i was just curious, you know? not that i’m giving up on dance or anything, but,” he licks the popsicle, “early childhood education sounds cool.”

you hum. “i wasn’t expecting that.”

“what’s that supposed to mean?”

“no, it’s not a bad thing!” you reassure the boy. “it’s just,” you rip your gaze off of jaehyun and look at the playground, “i always thought of you as a dancer, you know? kind of like you were meant for the stage.” the laughter of the kids who passed by you two bounces all over the block and you can’t help but smile. “but i don’t doubt it.”

the breeze graces your sweat-covered skin. “what about you?” you look back at him. “would you ever consider journalism? maybe communication as your major?”

you’re quick to laugh at his suggestion, but when confusion paints his features, you realize it’s a serious question from him.

“no.” it’s a straightforward answer from you, but jaehyun could never settle with that

“why not?”

a sigh leaves you. “i just don’t consider it. i mean, i think about it,” all the time, “but not enough to consider it. plus, astrophysics is cool.”

“but is it your dream?”

jaehyun’s question is an easy one to answer—not at all. you’ve had enough learning about theories and making sense of the numbers. if your future is going to only complicate that further, then maybe astrophysics isn’t made for you. 

but who’s to say that you’ll even enjoy journalism?

“we’ll see.” you leave it at that and jaehyun didn’t push for more.

because the reality is that if you ever did consider it, transform those dreams into action plans, you were terrified to be met with your parents’ disappointment—it wouldn’t only be from your lousy desires but from jaehyun’s role in your life.

the first time you mentioned jaehyun to your parents happened over dinner, letting them know you would be staying later at school to work on the final project for art class with him. they didn’t bat an eye at his name as they continued to talk about what happened during work and pester you about your progress in other classes. (art class didn’t matter to them, only the sciences and math were ones they seemed to track. still, they would criticize you if you didn’t place first honors.)

with your parents’ oversight, something blossomed between you and jaehyun. from there, there were more days you would get home later than usual. while you were still on top of your work, they took your late arrivals as a form of negligence.

all it took was one night for them to demand an explanation. the reappearance of him in the conversation had only caused them to reprimand you—jaehyun’s not like you. he’ll only hold you back. 

from that day on, you’ve learned to keep his name out of conversations. you’ll enjoy what you have with jaehyun, even if it has to be kept under the wraps.

“how’s training?” you change the subject, trying to keep the attention off of your failed dreams to jaehyun’s flourishing ones.

“well, it’s a lot,” he chuckles as he munches a piece. “you already know that it takes how many hours to get to the company, and the hours i spend in the practice room are unlike the trainings i have at school.”

as his eyes meet yours, you only shoot him an apologetic smile. it was never going to be easy; you two knew that before jaehyun entered the doors of the company. yet, he still held on.

“you know, i never considered it before, but i like where i’m going,” he admits. “even if i’ve always had dreams to pursue dance, i want to make my family proud if i ever get to debut.” 

jaehyun knows how to persevere. regardless of all the bruises he gets from performing complex dance routines or the hours of sleep he longs for, he knows how to hold on. you wish you could say the same for yourself.

“and you will,” you reassure the boy, wrapping your arm around his shoulders. “who wouldn’t be proud of you?”

he holds your stare and your smile falters. for a moment, you don’t know if you touched on a sensitive topic. would he shrug your arm off? do you think he’ll shut you off, maybe cut your time together short? will jaehyun get mad at you for something you didn’t know was wrong? would he be just like them?

“i want to make you proud.”

that’s enough to answer it all.

you shake your head. “don’t even doubt that for a second.” your arm finds it spot back to your side, and jaehyun’s loops his with yours.

although he knows how to persevere, he never knows when to shut his ears from the shadows. 

“i am proud of you,” you tell him. “always have, always will.” he can’t help but smile. all you can hope is that he’ll listen closely to your voice.

“i almost forgot,” he says out of nowhere.

“forgot what?”

as he tugs his arm away, his hand fishes for something in his pocket. “close your eyes.” you furrow your eyebrows. “just do it!” you follow his orders. “and keep them closed, okay?” you let out a hum.

before you know it, something wraps around your index finger. you would’ve opened your eyes, confused over the foreign yet familiar material, but they remain shut. 

“okay, open.”

your gaze rests on your finger wrapped in yellow and blue. it’s a finger trap—and the other end is connected to jaehyun. despite your tug, it still holds you two together.

it’s the warmth that fills your cheeks, the heartbeat in your ears, and your starstruck eyes that has him smile. “no matter what happens, we’ll stick together, okay? regardless of what paths we end up pursuing. all that matters is that we have each other.”

he’s filled with hope. hope for his dreams. hope for your relationship. hope for what the future holds for you two. you can’t help but hope as well.

all it takes is a nod from you to solidify the promise to the universe.

you two sit in silence, finishing up the popsicles as people continue to pass by. at one point, you heard mr. kim let out a curse over the drama he’s watching. the sun is about to set, wrapping you two in a golden blanket, and all that matters is the finger trap.

present  -> two weeks before the interview, 2024

it’s no surprise to you that the newsroom is quiet. while your peers are off to gather more information, you’re with lee chaeyeon of news as she tries to meet the deadline for her article’s first close.

“do you think dokyeom will be late?” you ask as you watch her rephrase sentences.

she laughs. “when is he never? minho’s always assigning him coverages.”

“that’s true.” your eyes drift to the hallway. “i’m just hungry. he still owes me food, you know?”

“over another bet? or you saving his ass?”

“over helping him with an article,” you reveal, earning a shocked look from her. “for some odd reason, he needed another writer to help out with a live coverage, and all the sports writers and sports editor were busy handling the other events.”

“holy shit.” chaeyeon continues with her work. “i didn’t expect you to work on anything sports-related.”

“yeah, but it helped that it was a dance competition. at least i know something about dance.” you only know who to thank. “i’m going to make sure i get compensated for that. i’m planning to raise it to minho and namjoon, anyway. that’s if dokyeom would fucking come and help in explaining the situation.”

with the mention of the tardy writer’s name, he’s scrambling through the halls with his backpack in one hand and a paper bag in the other. the moment he sees you, he shoots you an apologetic smile.

“speak of the devil,” you say as you stand up straight. “why do you always show up late? i helped you with the article.”

dokyeom finds his spot beside you as he sets down the bag on your desk. “i’ll have you know that wasn’t the only article i had yesterday. i was catching up on other ones that minho assigned me.” before he can plop down on his seat, he spots chaeyeon working. “damn, tough life at news.”

“no need to point out the obvious, doofus.”

“wow, harsh,” he replies to her insult. “just so you know, i bought food for us.”

“thank god,” you exclaim as you open the paper bag filled with takeout containers and sealed cups. as you pull them out one by one, you spot your usual order from the vietnamese restaurant around the corner. “oh my god, thank you for getting me this.” you take a seat before you pass dokyeom his food and utensils.

“yeah, i know. i’m just the best.” his shower of compliments for himself only has you rolling your eyes. “but thank you, by the way, for helping me out with the article. i needed an extra pair of hands and my own editor couldn’t stand in to help out.”

“it’s fine. just make sure you help me get compensated for that article,” you say before you open the container. as the smell of bun bo nam bo fills your nose, you can’t help but let out a quiet moan. “holy fuck, i’ve been craving this.”

“i made sure to get you some vietnamese coffee also.”

“yeah, i saw. thank you.” you split the chopsticks with one hand. you’re about to mix the bowl of your favorite food—

“is y/n here?” your editor calls out, causing you to let out a sigh before you stand up from your seat.

“yes?”

namjoon’s gaze lands on you. “can i talk to you for a bit?”

despite your grumbling stomach, you give him a nod and set your food down. as he retreats to his office, you glare at dokyeom who munches away on goi cuon. “i hate you.”

“hey, what did i do?!” you ignore his attempts to defend himself as you make your way to your editor’s office.

once you swing the door open, you spot namjoon whose eyes are stuck to the screen. “you can take a seat,” he says with no attempt to look at you. you sit across from him, hands folded on your lap, while he types away on his keyboard.

the moment he hits the ‘enter’ key is when he finally looks at you. “sorry about that. i was just replying to minho regarding your compensation for the article you worked with dokyeom. we both appreciate what you did. next time though, make sure to loop in minho or me before you two start working on beats not within your staffs.”

“sorry about that,” you start off. “dokyeom only asked for my help and i thought it would be fine since i’m familiar with dance, anyway.”

namjoon shakes his head with a small smile plastered on his face. “it is fine, just make sure to inform us.” you only nod.

“anyway, i’m sorry to have this meeting with you right now but i have to leave work early today, and i thought that you’d appreciate that i tell this to you now instead of tomorrow,” he says. you hum, curious about what he has to say. “i have a coverage for you, a very, very, long one.”

over the sight of your wide eyes, he can’t help but chuckle. “it’s seven articles,” he says and your mouth gapes over the number. “well, one main article and six profiles with very brief introductory paragraphs.” his attempt to ease your shocked state does nothing.

“namjoon, that’s… a lot.”

“yes, i know. i would love to split the workload but everyone else is handling other articles, and i trust you. i know i’m asking for a lot but i’ll make sure to help you out with them. it’s just that we’re working on a time crunch and i don’t know anyone else i can ask but you.”

the faith that your editor seems to have in you is like no other.

“profiles, like, those q&a transcripts?” you ask.

he nods before saying, “yes, and just a brief introductory paragraph for each profile. i’m just expecting you to put more work into the article about the group. i’ll make sure to help out with the profiles.”

namjoon’s trust should be anxiety inducing, enough to send you complaining, but you find yourself relieved. your mentor became your second-in-command; the mountain of workload transformed into a hill.

“okay.”

a relaxed smile appears on his face at your acceptance. “thank god! i was going to stress about this the whole day if you refused. i’ll make sure to send you the details about this once i’m done with my appointments, and then we can see how we’ll divide the work later on.” he types something. “we’re covering a k-pop group which is why there’s one main article about the whole group and then six profiles.”

“yeah, i figured that out.” this isn’t anything out of your usual articles. “can i ask who we’re interviewing? maybe i can do some research on them while you attend your meetings.” you pull out your phone, ready to search up whoever your editor says.

“don’t know if you’re familiar with them but they’re called boynextdoor?” you still in your seat. “wait, let me check. yes, that’s their name.”

“boynextdoor?”

namjoon looks at you, now met with your features that have transformed from wide eyes to scrunched eyebrows.  “yeah. do you know them?” 

you shake your head without a second thought. “no, i don’t think i do,” you whisper the last sentence to yourself. his narrow eyes look over you, almost dissecting you.

the walls surrounding you are painted in solid colors of pearl, almost untouched. yet, under the paint are cracks that spread like cobwebs. every burst is a testament to the earthquakes they’ve faced; no one should be able to see a single line of black amid the white sea. now, they’re filled with paste, and it should be enough to cover them all.

but for the first time, the paint has chipped and the paste has deteriorated; the different colors of cheongju seep through the cracks.

you clear your throat as you straighten your back. “i’ll be sure to research them.” you wave your phone at him, hoping to divert his attention, but his gaze remains on you.

a sigh leaves him. “okay. expect to receive the documents later in the afternoon.”

he doesn’t push any further. for now, the walls remain intact. (or appear as so.)

it was never going to be easy.

“honestly, i gave up expecting to win as we practiced,” the youngest says through tears. as they huddle, they let out silent wishes for the upcoming years. before they blow the candle, they don’t forget to express their gratitude to the fandom who stuck with them through thick and thin.

a time of celebration turned into a moment to remember their struggles. these were pockets of their time that marked their spot in history.

“oh, everyone behind us is crying!” another member points out as the camera captures the team’s bittersweet cries.

and when you catch sight of the brunette who hides his tears behind his friend, the ache in your chest starts to spread through your veins. the video cuts to his low-hanging head as his members comfort him. they knew all of his hardships—you only know a fraction.

such a tender moment happened a year ago; it’s shorter than the amount of time between this achievement and your departure. within those years, what did jaehyun undergo? did his trainings waver his passion or did the fire burn just as bright as it did since he first auditioned? was he confident in his skills or was he still critical about every performance he had?

but most of all, what did he face? what did he learn? to hate? to love?

what did he go through without you?

you don’t forget to take note of their first win on your document filled with bullet points of information. while you were going to continue watching, a recommended video caught your attention. it’s a jaehyun focus. you don’t hesitate to click it.

the video starts off with him checking up on the fans before the performance starts. as he mimes out eating, they answer his question with reassurance.

and there they come—his dimples appear.

it transitions to their group in their opening formation. as they await for the song to play out, jaehyun’s familiar smile shifts into a dominant gaze.

in the same way the first notes draw people to listen, your eyes never leave the boy. his movements are fluid, like water droplets sliding off leaves. he commands the stage regardless of where he’s positioned.

jaehyun is meant to be on the stage—no, every stage is made for him. every crowd is meant to cheer his name and remain captive to his talents, and every spotlight is meant to shine on him.

you rest your chin on crossed arms. long gone was the bowl cut and loose school uniform. he’s grown. matured, even. yet, the moments where his smile appears makes you realize one thing: the 16-year-old boy you knew still lives within him.

as their performance comes to an end, you don’t bother to move your cursor, letting the next recommended video play. and when his vlog plays out, you realize that a fragment of his identity is a whole of what you know.

what an honor it is to have known him for even a fraction of your lifetime.

his voice is a lullaby, the same one you used to fall asleep to, so you allow yourself to close your eyes. you let go of the responsibilities for just this moment, and allow yourself to be transported back into the warmth of his arms.

fall of 2019

out of all the seasons, autumn took its spot in being your favorite. clusters of green slowly morph  into shades of oranges and browns. it’s a symphony of chirps that fills the silence. while the breeze brings you comfort after the heat of summer, it also reminds you of the looming winter.

it’s a shame that autumn does live up to its other name: a season of fall.

“you’re always like this,” your mother comments. you stand in front of your parents, slumped shoulders and downcast eyes, as they hold a sheet of paper they believe dictates your future. “always so sensitive. we’re just asking you what went different. why did your grades drop?” to them, a shift from a to b+ is a threat to your future. 

while your feet stand on wooden floors, a flood starts to form. murky waves crash against your legs, but you do your best to keep your balance.

“answer us when you’re being talked to.” your father snaps you out of your thoughts. “what have you been doing for your grades to drop?” you want to answer but a single sound that leaves you may only lead to blubbers that your parents will scold you for. 

with your silence, your mother sneers. “i knew we shouldn’t have let you do your own things. i told you so.” she shifts her gaze to him. “what did i tell you about y/n? you know they’ll only slack off!”

“i thought we could trust them. clearly, i was wrong.” your father’s glare raises the water levels, reaching your chest. you don’t know how to swim in the foggy ocean.

“i know why.” she crosses her arms. “it’s because of that jaehyun boy, isn’t it?” she says his name laced with disgust.

you don’t think twice to defend him. “no, it isn’t!”

“don’t you dare talk back at me!”

“but i’m not! he’s done nothing.”

your father begins to raise his voice. “and that’s what’s wrong! that lazy boy does nothing for his studies. he clearly doesn’t care about his future.”

you always knew it would be a losing battle, but you’ll put up the fight to protect your best friend’s name. “that’s not true! he does care. he’s planning to do early childhood education for college, maybe become a teacher.”

“that job has no money. see, i can already see that you’re being influenced by him,” he argues back.

and as the murky waters rise, filling your lungs, your first instinct is to close your eyes and scream. “stop saying that about him!”

a beat passes.

“i don’t want you hanging out with him.”

“but—”

“shut up.” your mother’s words cause you to look up, meeting your parents’ faces filled with anger.  “go to your room. now.” you’re nothing but a puppet for them.

was it even a battle if you always knew you were going to lose?

despite the safety of your room, you don’t let the tears flow down. you do anything to distract yourself; maybe a book will convince you that your life is only a figment of your imagination.

waves continue to crash against your body. if you let them take your body, would they send you far away from cheongju? from your parents? from the weight you were entrusted to carry since birth?

but would you allow the waves to send you away from jaehyun?

your phone buzzes against the mattress. with tear-filled eyes, you see your best friend trying to reach you. you don’t think twice about declining his call and shutting off your phone.

as you curl in your bed, you hope the sea will swallow you whole—the slow, burning pain that comes with drowning won’t compare to the burns that haven’t healed. but you know that the blame rests on your shoulders. if only you had studied harder, cut off hours of rest for your work, then maybe you would be the perfect child your parents wanted.

were you wrong for allowing yourself to enjoy the small breaks between classes? was the time spent in the mart supposed to be for schoolwork? should you have found yourself a tutor? were you in the wrong for not working yourself to the bone? did you not work enough?

are you not enough?

then, a knock. your eyes snap open. like a stroke of light in the middle of the dark, jaehyun is by your window.

you get off your bed to open the window. as the glass barrier disappears, he enters your room. “are you okay?” he spots your glassy eyes and his hands find their spot on your shoulders. “what happened?”

you break eye contact. “what do you want, jaehyun?”

“you didn’t pick up your phone. and when i tried calling again, i couldn’t reach you,” he starts to explain.

you shrug off his grip on you before you take a seat on your bed. “i’m fine. my phone died.” as you feel the spot beside you dip, you look at your best friend. at the sight of his furrowed eyebrows, you know he doesn’t believe you. “i said i’m fine.”

“i didn’t say anything.” for you are an open book to him.

he opens his arms towards you—it’s your move to make. then, a tight-lipped smile shows on his face, his dimples appear, and you allow yourself to fall. with his arms wrapped around you, you shut your eyes as you nestle your face into his neck.

breathe in. breathe out.

his hand finds its spot on your back, rubbing it in circles.

breathe in. breathe out.

“it’s okay, i’m here,” he says, and you allow yourself to crumble in front of him for the first time.

the tears hit jaehyun’s neck like a light drizzle. your wails bring earthquakes into his world.

yet, his warmth is enough to dry up droplets, and his embrace protects you as you fall into the cracks of the earth and into the depths of the world. the flood starts to subside.

in your time knowing jaehyun, how much did he know about you after all? had he always known of your strained relationship with your parents? did he hear about it from others or was he able to connect the dots?

because you didn’t know yourself outside of your parents anymore. did you like science because of your kumon classes? was your interest in writing birthed from a desire for validation from your parents?

are you nothing but an array of achievements and failures?

but your parents will never be satisfied; a standard too high is practically nonexistent.

jaehyun moves so that you two can lie down. his arms remain wrapped around you as you hide in his neck. “i’m sorry if i wasn’t there for you when you needed it then.” his whispered apology causes you to shake your head.

“you didn’t do anything wrong,” you blubber out to his neck.

“and you didn’t, as well.” his hand finds its spot behind your head. with every stroke, a tear streams down. “and i want you to know that i’ll be here for you.”

in your house, your room was the only space you called home. solace built by you. 

now, your home is jaehyun.

present -> two weeks before the interview, 2024

something about the newsroom feels odd to you. there’s nothing out of the ordinary aside from it bustling with journalists. the familiar sounds of printers and chatter from your workmates fill your ears. it’s a typical occurrence for your peers to meet their deadlines on the day itself. the tug in your gut doesn’t resemble ones formed out of your anxiety. why does it feel like one of destiny?

“where is dokyeom? i swear, this guy never shows up to the office.”

you snap out of your thoughts, looking over at chaeyeon who browses through her phone. as you shove a bill into the vending machine, a chuckle leaves you. “when is he never?”

“maybe if he finishes his coverages on time then he’d be getting enough sleep. then, he won’t be late.”

you side-eye your friend before you click on a button. “you know that’s not true.”

she sighs at the same time your bottle of iced tea drops. “yeah. apparently, if you have free time, you’re not a good journalist or some shit which i find stupid.” you grab your drink before facing her. “am i not allowed to do something else that’s not related to my job? i swear, this is why i’m single.”

“then date another journalist.” your joke earns a scowl from her.

“i’m never dating anyone in my field. a journalist dating another journalist is like,” she looks up to the ceiling as she thinks, “a long distance relationship with how much they’ll never see or have time for each other.”

a laugh erupts from you, one that may be too loud for your liking. “true.”

as you walk out of the breakroom with chaeyeon, you notice something in the corner of your eye: a brunette by the restroom. while you can’t see his face, you spot what’s in his hand and you halt in your tracks—a finger trap.

“hey, is there someone there?” your eyes snap back to your friend who looks at you in confusion. when your eyes drift back to where the brunette once was, he’s already gone. you shake your head before walking back to your desk.

the same gut feeling lingers. with a frown, you open up your article only to be met with a few comments that namjoon left last night. maybe your gut knew that you weren’t done with your work. thankfully, it’s nothing too major, and you can have them done within the next few minutes.

“there you are!” chaeyeon exclaims, causing you to look up from your screen to a panting dokyeom. “were you working on your articles again?”

“actually, i went out last night.” while you shake your head at dokyeom’s reveal, chaeyeon gasps. “yeah, i did! i actually had fun for once!”

as he nods proudly at last night’s events, she complains, “are you serious?! how come you have time to go out? i was just talking to y/n that we never have time to ourselves.”

“i’m in sports,” he points out as he shrugs his shoulders. “you’re in news.” at this point, you’re expecting the two to spiral into an argument, so you redirect your focus back to your article.

“hey, did you hear though? there’s a k-pop group in the building.” you glance at chaeyeon.

your other friend leans on the cubicle. “really? who?”

“no clue.”

dokyeom lets out a groan. “what type of journalist are you if you can’t find out?”

“yah!” chaeyeon smacks his arm, causing him to wince in pain. “says you who can never submit on time.”

“hey, i’ll have you know that minho has been understanding!”

“whatever.” she rolls her eyes before looking at you. “that means you’ll probably be handling them. i hope they’re cute so that you can finally have something going on with your life outside of work.”

a chuckle leaves you as you get back to work. “i’m never dating an idol. i’d get hunted down by their fans.” 

“yeah, but can’t you dream a little? do you ever imagine what it would be like?”

the past plays in your mind. after school performances and interviews. broken-up popsicles. finger traps. a life you shared with jaehyun then—one you still cling onto.

yet, you shake your head as you edit your article. “not even.”

it’s a life you’ll keep to yourself.

“what’s the update?”

the three of you look away from each other, spotting namjoon who comes to you with a smile. long gone were the sweaters that failed to drown out his figure and the boxy glasses that would rest on the bridge of his nose. now, he wears a dress shirt and trousers with hair slicked to the side. there were no frames for him to hide behind.

“ah, namjoon! you’re dressed so nice today.”

with dokyeom’s compliment, he can’t hold back on his smile. “thank you. are you guys done with your articles?”

as your friends nod, you add the finishing touches to the document. “and done! i just finished addressing your comments.”

“great. thanks, y/n.”

“do you have something?” chaeyeon asks your editor, causing you to roll your eyes. one thing about journalists is that they love to know everything.

namjoon nods before saying, “i just had a meeting with some possible interviewees.”

“is this the one with the k-pop group?” as dokyeom asks the question, you can’t help but laugh as chaeyeon looks at him in disbelief for spilling confidential information.

your editor chuckles. “yes.”

“can we know—”

“no, you can’t know.”

chaeyeon pouts at namjoon. “not even a hint?”

namjoon ignores her question and begins to walk off. “good work, y/n!” he calls out before leaving you three alone.

“man, namjoon never tells us shit,” chaeyeon complains as she leans on the table.

“to you guys, at least,” you argue with a small shrug.

still, the gut feeling remains.

something about the newsroom feels odd to jaehyun. while he’s had his fair share of paranormal experiences, his gut tells him that there’s something in the office. yet, the tug isn’t one that speaks of danger. why does it feel like one of destiny?

“should we have a short break before we discuss the schedules for the photoshoots and interviews?” jaehyun is snapped out of his thoughts by namjoon’s suggestion.

his manager looks at the group. “do you guys need a break?”

“should we have a short break before we discuss the schedules for the photoshoots and interviews?” jaehyun is snapped out of his thoughts by namjoon’s suggestion.

his manager looks at the group. “do you guys need a break?”

although everyone seemed fine with proceeding, he couldn’t shake off the feeling. maybe the leftover curry he had this morning went bad. “i’ll go,” he says as he gets off his seat.

namjoon slowly stands up. “okay, i can bring you there—”

“it’s okay! i saw the washroom on the way here,” jaehyun says before walking to the door. “you can discuss the details without me first.”

with his manager’s nods, namjoon settles back into his seat. “okay then, here are some of the dates i have in mind...”

jaehyun exits the room. he bites on the inside of the cheek as he thinks of what his gut could be telling him. is it the nerves for the upcoming tour? is he worried about the next comeback they’ve been preparing? or is he scared about what the future has in store for his group?

with his mind on these questions, he doesn’t realize that he arrives in front of the bathroom door. a sigh of frustration leaves him. the worst thing about gut feelings is never knowing what they’re trying to say.

he grips the handle, ready to swing the door open, until a familiar laugh hits his ears. one of the past. one he hasn’t heard in years. his muscles freeze.

when was the last time he heard that chortle? when was the last time he became the cause of it?

his eyes dart around the area for the source but no one else is here. he can’t help but shake his head in disbelief.

it should be stupid for him to think you two would ever reunite. in what world would you be in the same place as he is? it’s been five years. you could be anywhere around the world. yet, he fishes for something out of his pocket; the same finger trap he linked you to him rests on the palm of his hand.

he sighs before entering the washroom and shoving it back into his pocket.

maybe he’ll hold out a little longer.

winter of 2019

out of all the seasons, jaehyun’s favorite is winter. snowflakes fall, filling the sky with stars that people can touch, and snow piles on sidewalks, letting him throw snowballs at his friends. despite the freezing temperatures, jaehyun prefers this over nearly-boiling ones.

he can’t wait to share this season with you.

yet, the familiar, chilly breeze of the season transforms into whispers, and word gets around like thrown snowballs. 

“is y/n really not going to school anymore?” jaehyun looks up from his desk to see jiheon standing in front of him. he tilts his head in confusion, causing her to roll her eyes. “are they not going here anymore?”

he frowns. “huh? what kind of rumor is that?”

“i don’t know. it’s what people have been saying,” she says as she crosses her arms. “i asked because i wanted to know if my competition’s gone, you know? and you’re the only one here who has an idea about their whereabouts.”

jaehyun laughs in disbelief. “no, i was with them last week.”

when jaehyun last saw you, you asked for space. with what’s been happening with your family, you needed time to process and cope with your issues, and he respected that. after all, he only knew a fraction of your relationship with your parents, and he didn’t want to intrude in anything you didn’t want him to be a part of. still, jaehyun reminded you that he’ll be there if you need him.

“damn, that sucks,” jiheon groans as her shoulders slump. “these stupid rumors.” as soon as she leaves jaehyun alone, he shakes his head.

the bell rings. students start rushing into classrooms and teachers scold those who aren’t on their seats. ms. jeon enters the room, walking to the desk in front and setting her things down. “baek jiheon, you’ll be in charge of attendance today.”

as jaehyun’s classmate gets off her seat, he can’t help but look at your desk that still remains empty.

“you have to message us when you land,” your mother says as she fixes the collar of your coat. despite your nod, she clicks her tongue. “answer me properly.”

“yes, i will.”

once your father finishes placing the last luggage in the trunk of the taxi, he stands beside your mother. “don’t forget why we’re sending you there. we expect you to do better with no distractions.”

your phone buzzes in your hand. as you look down, you see a message from jaehyun. as he asks about your whereabouts, the weight gets heavier—will you stand or crumble under it?

“who’s that?”

you stash your phone away as you look back at your parents. “nothing. it’s just an email from the school. they sent over the date for the orientation.” at the sight of their satisfied smile, you let out a small sigh of relief.

“well, go on.” your nod at your mother before getting in the car. with the windows still down, she adds, “don’t forget to get endorsement letters from the professors i sent over to you or else you won’t get to study abroad like we planned.” her choice of pronouns is funny; a plan that they crafted which never considered your input.

“okay.”

as your father commands the driver to go, your gaze remains on the two. it should be okay with you to leave cheongju; you’d be far away from your parents and experience an entirely different landscape to explore. it’s time you break away from the chains of this town. learn a life outside of what your parents forced you into.

yet, as the car takes its leave, the figure of your parents slowly shrinks. the distance from them should’ve given you the space to breathe, a relief you’ve longed for, but it only reminds you of your strained relationship. to them, it would be better that you’re out of their sight—and with your farewell, you never heard the three-word phrase.

the window rolls up. you try to hold back the tears, but the scenery of cheongju that you pass by births a storm within you. you didn’t want to say goodbye to home, regardless of how much you say you didn’t have a home in this town. every corner holds a piece of you in the same way you hold a piece of them.

the car approaches a safe haven you share. despite the snow that piles at the front, mr. kim’s convenience store is still open. you’ll never get to have his hotteok again or hear his favorite dramas play in the background. worst of all, you never got to say goodbye.

then, the familiar figure of your best friend exits the mart, and the storm transforms into a typhoon. the plastic bag he holds is filled with your favorite snacks, from the grape-flavored twin bar to a bottle of mr. kim’s homemade peach iced tea.

and in that moment that your car passes him, he pulls out his phone from his pocket, and you spot the familiar trap wrapped around his finger—the other end holds no one.

as quickly as you came into jaehyun’s life, he disappears from your view.

finger traps were fascinating. if you tug hard, the contraption won’t let your fingers go. yet, if you allow the two fingers to meet, allowing the toy to loosen, it’ll let you go with no harm.

but your finger trap with jaehyun was different. maybe it was already ripped to its seams.

interview

q: what made you decide on becoming an idol?

a: i’ve always loved dancing. growing up in cheongju, i always made time [for dance] whether it be [for] school competitions, talent shows, or even [choreographies] i wanted to try out. but i never considered becoming [an idol] until high school. a lot of my friends and family thought i was capable, and i’m glad they trusted me. it feels good to give back to them with every performance.

q: compared to your other members, you’ve spent a lot of years dancing and training to become an idol. what kept you going throughout your years of training?

a: my family’s support was one big thing that helped me [during my training.] every trip from my house to the company would last hours, and it drained me physically. so as the years went by, i started to question if all the time, money, [and] effort i was putting into an unpromised debut would be worth it, but my parents and brother were always there to support and [take] care of me. but i’d also like to think my best friend was a major support in training years. i think they were the first one to [tell me that they saw me as an idol,] and at the time i brushed off the idea. but, look where i am now? so i think i owe a lot to them.

q: is there anything you’d like to say to those who’ve supported you as boynextdoors’s myung jaehyun? a: mom and dad, thank you for believing in me. i know it wasn’t easy to wait until midnight for me to come home or take care of me whenever i got sick from training. thank you for always supporting me in every performance. to my brother, thank you for helping mom and dad out at home. every day, i remind myself that you gave up so much just so i can pursue my dreams, and i want you know that i’m forever grateful for your sacrifices. to the rest of [boynextdoor], thank you for always allowing me to rely on you. i’m glad i can say i have brothers who i get to achieve my dreams with. onedoor, thank you for your love and support over the years. i wouldn’t be boynextdoor’s leader or myung jaehyun if it weren’t for you. and lastly, thank you to my best friend. i hope you’ll always be proud of me the same way i’ll forever be proud of you.

taglist: @kflixnet @blankjournal @blissfullsvn @lovialy @onedoornet

[silly-writes]

Cuddling Headcanons

Just for some of my favs 🫶 not requested!

Justin, Noah, Trent, Alejandro, Courtney, Leshawna, Mike, and Manitoba

Justin

Really bad at accepting physical affection while the relationship is still fresh

He’s used to only being in relationships with people for publicity! He’s not really used to genuine displays of affection that exist only for the two of you

After awhile he warms up to cuddling a lot

He likes to hold his arms around you while sleeping

He usually likes to sleep directly on top of you almost crushing you with his weight

“I just can’t help it-“ he said one day laughing lightly “-you’re better than any bed I’ve ever had”

He’d never admit to the sappy crap but it relaxes him beyond belief to listen to your breathing

He also loves hearing you talk or rant about your day when you two cuddle

He also likes to hold your waist in any capacity, he’s almost always got one hand on your waist

Noah

Yeah unsurprisingly he’s not that big on it

If you insist however eventually he comes to kind of enjoy it

He’d never admit that though.

He really likes it when you run your hand through his hair you can always see the tension leave his body when you do

(Again he’d never admit that)

He’s really bad when he actually does want to cuddle because he’s horrible at asking for things

Usually he just sits there staring at you waiting for you to learn how to read minds

Eventually though you start to get the feel of when he wants you to just hold him.

He’ll front every time and complain the whole time but it’s a big ol’ lie

“Are you kidding me, again? You cling onto me like a baby opossum, it’s crazy,” he teased you one night.

“We don’t have to-“

You couldn’t even finish the thought before he cut in grabbing onto you “calm down it’s fine.”

Yeah Noah, we know it is.

Trent

Definitely one of the more emotionally secure guys

Has no problem from the very start crawling into bed with you and just absolutely (lovingly) crushing you with his arms

We all know our boy is just the least bit clingy so he’s always looking for some cuddles

He honestly doesn’t care the position, he’ll big spoon, little spoon, he’ll get right on top of you, or you on top of him, my boy is not picky.

Really just likes to be able to see you, and loves playing with your hair (if you choose to show it/have hair)

If not he’ll play with the fabric of your clothes

“Trent that tickles stop,” you say one night as he plays with the hem of your shirt

“One sec…” he says, his tongue out in concentration.

You don’t know what’s going on in that head of his, so you just leave it alone after that, he looks so happy and adorable who are you to come in the way of that?

He’s just obsessed with you, if you’re happy he’s happy.

Alejandro

When I say guarded.

Starting physical affection with him that is genuine and in no way shows anything to gain from him, or anyone else scares the shit out of him

He really just doesn’t trust it for the longest time.

If you want to cuddle with Alejandro there is only one word: patience.

You have to be ready to wait for him to be ready.

With his up bringing and his past relationships, cuddling just wasn’t a thing you did unless it was some sort of trap

SO WHEN I SAY CUDDLING WITH HIM FEELS BETTER ITS BECAUSE YOU EARNED THAT SHIT

When he finally feels fully safe around you, he’ll test the waters first by sleeping in the same room as you

(He’s like a cat in that way sleeping around you is a big sign of trust from him)

Then eventually he’ll do things like put his arm around you and pull you in closer.

He likes to be the big spoon definitely

But there are certain occasions where he’ll settle for the other way around

He learns that he actually really does love it.

He loves to rest his head on top of yours and feeling your breath against him

Or better yet, he loves having his head on your chest hearing your heart beat

“Mi enamorada, your heart is beating very fast again,” you could hear the smirk in his voice as he said that.

“Oh really?” You say sarcastically, burying a hand in his hair “I wonder why.”

He hummed a little bit in response “as do I,” he says smugly.

Overall cuddling with Alejandro is just very rewarding and therapeutic

Courtney

this woman knows how to do it

She so loves being all cuddly which you really wouldn’t have expected

It does take a little bit, and she spends some time wondering if you’re really “worthy”

But after that she’s all in.

She likes being in kissing distance so your face being close to hers is a must

Other than that she doesn’t really care about the position

I imagine cuddling with her is very chatty, and she very rarely cuddles while falling asleep (not that is never happens)

But you guys have a lot of late night conversations while cuddling

She lives for those early morning cuddles too

“Okay that’s enough, I have to start the day at some point.” Courtney mumbles tiredly.

“Soon- soon. Just five more minutes?” You say, pulling her closer.

She regarded you for awhile “fine. But no more than five minutes okay?”

That type of conversation is had time and time again, and she always spends way more than five minutes

Leshawna

Leshawna is so good at being in tune with peoples emotions it’s scary

She’s always really good at figuring out what works for you to and what doesn’t

Plus she’ll always let you know if she doesn’t like something that happening so you’re never worried about if she’s enjoying herself

She loves being the little spoon, but will be the big spoon if need be

Loves cuddling, but when she needs space she needs space (dw she’ll always let you know)

While on the couch cuddling though she’ll always let you lay on her and throw a blanket over the two of you and it’s just the most cozy thing every time

She is beyond comfortable to be around

Just a really genuine and sincere and comfortable significant other.

“I just feel bad, like I’m crushing you,” you admitted one night, adjusting while laying on top of her.

“Baby you don’t ever have to worry about that, you just get comfortable in anyway you can. You got that?” She assured you, and that was that.

She’s so good at making you feel comfortable oml.

Mike

THIS BOY IS A DISASTER

Has an impossible time being the one to enact physical contact and an even more impossible time asking for it

He’s a nervous wreck.

But if you’re confident (which lets face it anyone compared to Mike is) he’ll glom onto you no problem

He likes being little spoon, but doesn’t really mind

Forms most of his opinions on cuddling from you so whatever you like will become whatever he likes

He’s just sort of easy going once he gets into it as long as he gets to be next to you he doesn’t really care what’s going on

Plus he’s hugely indecisive he just wants to do what you want to do without worrying about any decision making. He already does enough of that.

“How should I sit?” He asked you one night getting into bed

“However you want,” you say chuckling.

He huffs a bit “that’s not fair and you know it.”

Just a general pleasure omg

Manitoba

I imagine cuddling with him is kind of a nightmare

He’s so restless.

He’s never happy with the position even if he initiated it

He doesn’t mean to that’s just how he is

And it’s not because he doesn’t want to cuddle cause he does (trust me he does)

But he has trouble staying in one position for a long period of time

So cuddling works best with him if you’re a go with the flow kind of person and are okay with readjusting over twenty times

“Manitoba, please it’s one in the morning, at a certain point you have to just get comfortable” you scolded light heartedly.

“Sorry love, last time I promise,” he assures.

It was in fact not the last time.

[greenaswildfire]

I get the feeling they decided to nerf Alicent and Helaena on purpose, so they could taunt part of the audience who likes the "more womanly" type of character.

Something like "oh, are you tired of girlboss characters like Rhaenyra? there you have it, your fragile woman kind of character you like so much!" and then turned them into two bland pacifists instead of soft power players they were in F&B.

There is a quote I see frequently on social media but have no idea who said it:

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you’re capable of great violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful, you’re harmless. Important difference.

Alicent and Helaena were peaceful in F&B. Helaena transitions to harmless after B&C, but she had a reason for it.

In HotD? Both are turned to harmless women. Helaena refuses to fight because prophecy, refuses to burn innocents by sacrificing her life and her Jaehaera's, c'mon girl, you're also innocent in all this! It's absolutely stupid to imagine that Rhaenyra would let them live, mainly because by Rhaenyra's precedent as queen, any House could back Helaena and Jaehaera's claim the moment Rhaenyra refused to bend to said House whims.

She would never let them live, she could never. And even if Rhaenyra refuses to do anything, certainly Daemon would in her stead. He's kinslaying on behalf of the queen who also happens to be his wife so he gets a pass, right? RIGHT?

I get the feeling they wanted to trap us in this "muahauha see? see? You say you hate girbosses but look at you now, you want show!Helaena, a Sansa-like character to act like a girlboss, hypocrites! Muahau we got you, traitorous women who dare to defend the patriarchy by liking non-girlboss characters!" situation.

But they forget one important thing: Alicent was bold and politically savy in S1, she was butchered because of their rhaenicent thirst and I don't doubt they build up S3 around the mandatory rhaenicent scene (this time it will be a s3x scene in the cell, after Rhaenyra imprisons Alicent for her "treason" since Aegon is no longer in KL). Alicent was a strong female character in her own right, until she wasn't.

And Helaena is just a background character tbh, writers knew they couldn't make her disband to TB side so they made her a Bran 2.0 who poses no threat to TB, but doesn't help TG either. If any female character can't be part of TB, they'll turn her into a third party so they won't pose a threat to "rightful kween". The only time she was treated as equal was by Aemond when he asks her to help protect the family and she refuses.

C'mon, she's neurodivergent but she's clearly capable of thinking that if she refuses to fight, everybody will die way quicker than if she accepts to. She's not stupid (I mean, at least until plot demands it, so her inaction-caused-by-her-visions can benefit cult leader kween's path to apocaliptic prophecy). She could clearly say something like "I will. but I won't fight because you asked me to, I'll fight for my daughter's life, I'll fight for mine." and I'm sure that Aemond would be hurt anyway, but would hide it because he's also determined to protect her.

She wants to live, so does he, and he'll somehow make up for Jaehaerys death by protecting Helaena. Helaena instead of doing the same like the other dreamers (choosing humanity's salvation over anything else) subverts expectations and says f u prophecy, and decides to fight against the prophecy instead of fulfilling it, so she and her daughter can have a chance to live. It would be such a contrast to cult leader, they make parallels in hotd all the time, why couldn't they do the same here with Helaena's plot?

Have you ever played Umineko no Naku koro ni? One of the most important aspects of the game imo it's exactly this "fight against your destiny" thing. How much do you value your life and others's? What are you willing to sacrifice for a slim chance to live and see them again? When your destiny is the same in most universes, should you give up and die instead of keep looking for one where your destiny is different? They could have done the same with Helaena here. Cole for example, he knows that probably he won't make it out alive of this war and yet he fights! Why can't a woman do the same? Fighting against destiny is something that only men do? Or are you telling me that Cole is stupid for not giving up, for relying on this slim hope he has of seeing Alicent again, of living with her and the remaining targtower children after the war?

But again, it's a web weaved by the writers, we can't ask Helaena to fight because she isn't girlboss in hotd. I should despise Alicent, I should despise Helaena, but I won't. If I do, it will only confirm the approach they've taken with these characters and I refuse to be caught on these showrunners's web.

[starkiss-abyss-station]

✧.* ୨⎯ "Yandere Genshin Pairs" ⎯୧ ✧.*

✎.... general hc of yandere pairs that could go well or not

TW: D.C, typical yandere behavior, implied Nsfw

some grammar errors too-

Yandere pairing that would work

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ Ayato and Thoma

Compatibility: 9/10

The way you could look at this is good cop and bad cop, except you get bad cop first in the sense that Ayato will trap you into this arrangement, oh he's still nice but the sadism hidden beneath his smile will make itself known, and Thoma is the good cop, as in super nice and soft yandere who gives you closure. There is a big difference on how they handle you in your daily needs; as that's very important to them. We already know Thoma is very skilled in making meals, chores, anything of sort is taken care of by him. While Ayato makes sure to take care of any financial needs and trouble that follows you. With these generous acts, they lure you to only spend time with them unless Ayato has to do something, which then leads to you being under Thoma's care until he's done.

Now the true nature of Ayato as a bad cop shows up when you "act stupid" as he puts its, leaving the Kamisato estate and the eyes he put to follow you is barely a slim chance while escaping Inazuma? Impossible. As the commissioner Ayato doesn't hesitate to make sure that nobody is out there to help you with such plans, you're never leaving. Ayato is always smiling, but his condescending look and mocking smile makes you shrink in size when he's in a bad mood like this. Don't even think you can look at Thoma for help or ask him. His heart does hurt for you, truly it does, but his loyalty to the Kamisato clan is far greater, especially considering this is the safest way to keep you with him. There's a high chance he tells Ayato everything you say, including escape plans or anything that might raise concerns even if it leads to harsh punishments. So it's best to make due with what you can and smile with it.

The moment you step foot in Inazuma and catch Ayato's attention, his reputation as head of the Kamisato clan and of the Yashiro commission will put you in the spotlight. Your every word, move and even breathing will be monitored by everyone, friends or enemies of Ayato; it doesn't matter. Being his partner will make it so even walking down the streets you'll end up hearing whispers, being stared at by everyone. The pressure paired together with the fact you don't want to be in a relationship such as this will feel as if you're being crushed, but don't worry, Ayato and Thoma were only doing this because they wanted to show how terrible the outside world is, only a few public apperances at a distance are fine, from now on you prefer to be locked inside the Kamisato Residence right?

Who leads the punishments? Ayato of course. Dear archons Thoma doesn't have a mean bone in his body to ever think you did anything wrong, but Ayato is very different. You're his partner, and you'll, of course, be his spouse in the future, so he must make sure you know everything beforehand. There are certain lines you can cross and many more that you can't, especially concerning the people you choose to interact with. Remember, he can easily tell if you're faking your love for him. He has strict rules and you must follow them all, you'll end up in tears and bruises by the time he's done but luckily Thoma is there. He'll patch up any cuts and bruises, kissing away the tears, and gently hug you while explaining that Ayato is just looking out for you and wants what's best. Ayato might break you if he has to but Thoma is always there to pick up the pieces and soothe the pain away, after all that's what he loves doing best; taking care of you.

In the end you might end up living a very lavish and easy life if you follow Ayato's rules, you have nothing to really work for and nothing to do all day. You can have certain hobbies that Ayato approves of but at the end of it you'll practically be a pretty doll in the Kamisato estate. Ayato is a huge part of this power imbalance but Thoma's softness for you may help you through a lot of days if you behave well, he'll even try to lighten your punishments if he thinks of them as too much.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ Wrio and Neuv

compatibility: 8/10

Since both yanderes have similar senses of mental and emotional skills level-wise they would have good communication in handling the idea of sharing you and making a proper schedule in doing so. They're both very busy and it ended up with you being locked in the Palais Mermonia in the Court of Fontaine for one month, mostly in Neuvillette's office or having a separate room right next door, while the other month you're in the Fortress of Meropide with Wriothesley, and it continues on repeat. Considering they're both very busy people, as the Iudex and Duke, so communication between them concerning you is done through letters or annual reports, In most cases when they do meet face to face it is to deliver you to the other when it their monthly turn.

Escape is not an option. Being shared by the chief of justice and duke of the fortress does not allow room for privacy or any sort of escape route. Not only are you under constant watch by the gards in both settings but by the yanderes themselves, whether be it Neuvillette's dragon-like powers or the cameras around the fortress. But even then you being out and about is rare as is as usually, you're with them in their office, Neuvillette may not be the first to incline a form of physical intimacy like having you on his lap during work but you will be seated on the couch or close by where he could see you, but with Wrio you will have to be straddled on his lap if he has a big amount of paperwork to go through. Both have similar ways of handling you so you never feel out of place despite the sudden change of what you see for the rest of the month.

In any case, considering their reputations you would have to be a special a special kind of stupid to even try going against the duke, referred to as his grace by all criminals residing in there because the only law in the fortress is his mere word, with enough experience as a boxer and a prison warden as well, let alone the literal Dragon Sovereign of Water with legit political power and such a great reputation that one word from him and you'd be shunned. The power imbalance is far too great to the point you're shaken, factor in anything but everything is stacked against you. But no worries because they're not cruel enough to torture you, only a few punishment will make you understand how you should behave!

Cutting straight to the facts, Wrio will always be the one who punishes you. Not saying Neuv is a saint, considering his power he can do a lot but between the two of them, Neuvillette is a lot more patient and lacks certain knowledge of how specifically you should or should not behave. Wrio does find certain beatty behaviors amusing but he runs quite a few strict rules which you should obey, whether you're in the Fortress or with Neuvillette, and if you cross them he might break this one month only agreement for a visit to make sure you know where you should stand

Overall this pair is not bad, if you behave you'll find life rather easy. Power imbalance is a matter where you should watch what you say and do but these two individuals only want you to love them, as your behavior towards others should only be nonchalant. Besides Neuvillette being patient and Wriothesley content with the arrangement, you can only hope you remain human.

Absolute bad pairs of Yandere

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ Kaeya and Diluc

Compatibility: 6/10

Their pettiness knows no bounds, ever since the reveal they both loved you Diluc is in a constant state of irritation because of Kaeya and Kaeya, while ignoring Diluc, acts like himself, if not for the rare moments of throwing snide remarks. We all know Diluc's strong opinions about how useless the knights of Favonius are, to him Kaeya has no right to protect you or even TRY to, because he'd fail. Kaeya has the poker face that any spy would be proud of, but when told to his face by Diluc that he can't properly keep you safe his mood would sour instantly. Kaeya knows his behavior towards you exceeds normal feelings but at least he MEETS UP with you and TALKS, he definitely brought up that Diluc being a stalker was way creepier, he can't keep hiding behind the “knight in shining Armour” title

But, while Diluc's pettiness is reserved for them two only, Kaeya openly expresses it to you instead. He's proud of the fact he is able to build a proper relationship with you, and he will use it to his advantage; subtly hinting how Diluc is no fun, how he can get VERY dangerous when he snaps. He'd poke fun at Diluc's preference for grape juice, calling it unromantic, if Diluc is around he's more touchy, giving long and tight hugs whenever he drops you at his brother's place. Seriously, Kaeya was planning to be nice and peaceful but Diluc pushed first and decided “Nooooo, lemme bitch about it and continue being on bad terms”. As if Kaeya would take that when it came to you.

Now while Diluc might have the biggest resting bitch face that Celestia needs to award, he's soft for you. He'd like to spoil you, be sweet, protect you. But unfortunately for him he has to save those moments when it's just you two, and it's difficult when Kaeya is there always annoying him and making him lose his temper. But he gets his revenge, sprinkling some elemental fertilizers around Mondstad's gates for the knights to have something to busy themselves with, and drown Kaeya in paperwork so he can't meet with you. He's slacked off enough and Jean isn't too appreciative of it. You'll end up seeing Diluc chuckling and even smiling to himself, explaining how business is going very smoothly.

While they had a rough past and end up in each other's nerves a lot, Diluc and Kaeya still consider themselves brothers deep down. It's better if they remain passive aggressive while having more eyes on you than just arguing and killing each other. It would be awful if Kaeya had to lose the other charming part of his face, and Diluc would rather die than have your pretty eyes see him in a different light.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ Wrio and Lyney

Compatibility: 1/10

Everything is not about you but at the same time it is, This pair is very very subtle about anything related to you but they're also at each other's throats verbally. They have no problem throwing hands behind your back but when you turn to look they act as if nothing happened; oh the wall looks nice, lemme count my cards again. In the past they MIGHT have come to an agreement but with what happened when Lyney and his siblinge investigated the Fortress, never. Wrio tried once, Lyney gave him a death stare and snark, and Wrio didn't bother trying again. Because of what happened Lyney considers Wrio too dangerous, it gets under his skin and he tries to make his visits in the Fortress more frequent to make sure you’re fine but it's always for a limited time because of Wrio. Whenever they meet up so you can be given to the other, rest assured that Lyney drops his smiling facade for a moment to throw at least one snide and irritated remarke at Wrio; who usually returns it. You're asked a hundred questions when you get at his place.

Questions are a LOT and they must be in detail- otherwise Lyney will assume you've been drugged to not remember anything. They range from how you're treated at the fortress, not just by the duke but by everyone, to what you ate, your activities- he even does full inspections to make sure not even a strand from your hair is missing. Now, Lyney is slightly impulsive and there were a lot of times when he asked those questions right in front of Wrio’s face, and of course Wriothesley answered those questions for you, saying there's no need for all this inspection which earned him an annoyed glare, a snap from Lyney to “Stay out of it, I'm checking up on my dove”. Even after taking you out Lyney just can't HELP but worry, you're finally getting some sun and good food, it must be so cramped in the fortress, are you SURE Wrio didn't do anything? Please answer honestly, Lyney will make sure to talk to him. Once you're back, Wrio isn't short of questions either. It's a dangerous world out there and Lyney is in THE dangerous organization of Teyvat, the magician didn’t take you anywhere near the fatui right? Even if you answered all the questions perfectly, after you're escorted back to your room, an argument immediately heats up between the two of them. They're at each other's throats, spewing threats of violence and might even get physical if something actually DID happen to you.

This pair can’t even be considered a shared pair in all honestly, it's more like trying to verbally tug you closer to themselves completely, mostly because they don't wish to hurt you but their hatred for each other is too much. Lyney would always talk to you about it, saying that if you were just his you wouldn't have to live in suchca deadman land full of criminals. With him your whole life would be nothing but filled with fun tricks, magic and shows, full of color (and illusions). You'd be safe with his siblings and father would also protect you. Lyney always nitpicks when Wrio punishes you, sighing saying he'd never do something so crude when teaching you manners. Every day of your life would be like a dream, you'd be too happy to be upset, he loves you too much to punish you, it would be different if you were his… Just his. Wrio never expresses it verbally but he clearly minds it when Lyney gets like this. It's annoying and irritsting seeing he has to share you with such a delusional person who can't comprehend that the outside world is too dangerous. He could give an entire monologue of why you'd be much safer in the fortress, away from prying eyes and tainted hands of the filthy creatures that want to snatch you away. But he keeps to himself and drinks his tea, listening to Lyney's rambles gets so annoying, he’s glad you have him to properly care for you rather than you just being under the magician's watch.

One thing is that they try to keep their issues between them, not wanting to put you in the middle of their crossfire. But with time patients are lost and the first to snap would be Lyney, he may lose his cool and try to deal with Wrio and dispose of him in some way, but Wrio always has backup plans, he'd hate to leave you alone under this reckless person. This pair is very messy but they always keep that mess away from your eyes.

[eenslaved]

The Kept Girl in the Basement

BDSM erotica. Fictional characters over 18.

Everyone didn't know about Alpha Rho's tradition, but enough people heard the rumors. That each spring, the oldest fraternity on campus kept a girl in the basement of their house, all through the semester until graduation week.

It was all true.

The fall semester was spent hazing and inducting new pledges and, most importantly, finding, selecting, and obtaining the girl who would be their slave.

In past years, they chose townie girls. Locals who didn't go to their college. Waitresses and shop workers and such.

In recent years, it has been a girl offered up by their sister sorority, Theta Rho Beta. Girls they feel need some special humbling. Girls who got too big for their britches. Girls they were jealous of, girls who needed to be taken down a peg or two.

This year, their kept girl is Molly. Pretty, popular Molly, whose Daddy owns a place on Lake Como and a house in the Hamptons. Molly who has everything.

They choose Molly for the special spring sabbatical semester — that's what they call it, with sly winks and smirks.

Molly only begs them to stop and let her go the first two days. By her third day, Molly begs them not to stop. When they let her talk, that is. They like keeping her mouth filled. They like keeping their kept girl's holes occupied. She's got to earn her room and board in their house.

They're not totally sure why, but there's something different this time, with Molly. The other kept girls were basically sex slaves, free use sluts for coming in and coming on.

But with Molly, they treat her like something else. Something...lower, than a kept girl. They treat her like a pet. Like a dumb animal who's got to be trained. Disciplined. Kept under control on a short, tight leash.

Eventually, they want to treat her like an animal that they can breed.

So first, they don't let Molly talk to them anymore, even when she's not gagged or got a penis using her mouth. You can't speak unless we give you permission, they told her. And they don't. Ever.

Noises are okay. Nothing with words. No language, no speech.

And they feed and water her from bowls on the floor. She can't use her hands to eat or clean her face after it's covered in flecks and smears of food.

They'll have her stand up of course but now it's like a neat trick she does, to be upright, and usually because they want to play with her at that height. But if she has to move from Point A to Point B, she has to crawl.

They keep her on a chain, always. Willful, disobedient, untrustworthy and unbroken pet who needs constant house training.

Molly is their favorite kept girl — ah, though she's no longer a girl — ever. They  even voted on it, and even alumni have come back to visit their pet Molly and to congratulate the current president on their acquisition of Molly.

Molly's sorority sisters visit her, sometimes. They're shocked and they all feel a bit guilty, but mostly they feel relief. Like, that could be them, in Molly's place. Being treated like a dumb animal, being whipped by one Alpha Rho brother while humping a pillow on her mattress. They whisper to each other about how they can't believe Molly's acting like this, being so totally into it that her mouth, trapped by a bit-gag, is drooling on her own tits. How she's shaking her ass and tits, begging wordlessly with her body for a good, hard fucking. That could never be them.

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[whackk-kermitt]

Ain't No Shame in Simping

Warnings: Simping by Derek's emotionally constipated standards. (+ stiles talks about sex stuff briefly.) Summary: Derek is just looking out for the human who insists on throwing himself into danger. That is what he tells himself. OR All the times Derek was a simp for Stiles and the time the pieces fell into place.

NOT PROOFREAD

≫ ────── ≪•◦ ❈ ◦•≫ ────── ≪

Derek was a prideful man, an ego he'd never admit he had tended to keep him from accepting help from anyone. However, he still knew very well that Sties had exhausted his body keeping him afloat for three hours.

He felt guilt in his gut when he watched Stiles shuffle into his jeep to drive home. Derek wanted to ignore the twist in his chest when he heard the pitiful groan that escaped Stiles as his sore muscles ached in the driver's seat. As much as the human ego in him wanted to move on and ignore the fact that Stiles had in fact saved his life, the wolf growled at the pain and fear it could smell wafting off Stiles. The wolf didn't seem to mind the scent of the human that lingered on his flesh from being held up by him, back to chest, for hours.

He turned and moved away, giving in to the wolf and letting it lead him somewhere, running through the woods and finding himself a few minutes later at the Stilinski house. He was confused as to why his wolf purred at the scent of the human as he climbed up into the window. He chalked it up to gratitude, the wolf recognizing the scent of the man who saved him and choosing to not overthink it.

Stiles was now changed into plaid pajama pants and a Batman t-shirt, he was sitting on the edge of his bed only sparing Derek and curious glance through his drowsy vision.

They said nothing to each other as Derek approached and hesitated, unsure of himself, before reaching his hand out. He placed a firm grip on Stiles's shoulder.

He took note of the confusion and concern in Stile's chemo signals and the increased heart rate in his chest. Other than those things, Stiles seemed calm, too tired to really question anything that was happening.

Derek sucked up his pride and circled his palms into Stiles's shoulder, easing the rigid muscles. His veins turned black up his arm as Stile's pains and stiffness eased off. Derek refused to admit to himself that the satisfied sigh that fell from Stile's lift warmed his chest a bit.

Somewhere in the two hours he spent in Stile's room that night, stiles had laid down on his stomach and allowed Derek to rub and massage the ache from his back and shoulders. His wolf purred at the calm and steady heart rate and the comfortable scent that assaulted his nostrils.

When he was sure Stiles had fallen asleep he placed his warm palm on the bare flesh of Stiles's nape and absorbed more of the ache until there was nothing more to take.

"Thank you." He muttered pitifully, turned, and left.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

When the danger made its home in the preserve, in the form of a feral omega, Stiles made his stand against Derek.

"I can help!" The boy franticly flailed his arm at the Alpha who scowled upon his arrival at the base of the trail into the woods.

"The last thing we need is a human in the crossfire." Was all he said as he grabbed onto Stiles's bicep and dragged him back towards the jeep.

"I brought moutine ash!" Stiles protested. "Wouldn't it be safer to corner the guy, and trap him?"

Derek, sighing in frustration, eyeing the human's whisky-brown eyes.

"Unless you're just planning on killing him." Stiles blinked.

Derek ignored the snickering from Erica and Isaac Behind him, not having paid attention to them enough to know what was said between them.

"Chase him out of town, kill him if I have to. What was your plan?"

"Trap him and appeal to his humanity." The human shrugged like it was obvious. "Try to save the guy before you rip his throat out with your teeth."

Derek thought for a moment, ignoring Scott's refusal to kill the man before at least trying to help him. He chose to base his decision on Scott's refusal instead of the hopeful glint in Stile's eyes.

"You stay close, no wandering off. And stay quiet. No talking." Derek scowled. "We'll track it down and I don't your babbling distracting anyone."

Distracting him he means. He doesn't say that.

"Deal," Stiles said, a cocky smirk pulling at his lips. Derek spared them a glance before leading the pack, plus stiles, into the woods.

The plan worked, sort of. Erica got a nasty gash in her side and Stiles tripped over a root and smacked his head on a tree when the omega turned to him in the shuffle. But they managed to herd the wolf into a cave and Derek kept in back by growling and intimidating to stay back. Perks of being an alpha.

Stiles stood at the mouth of the cave drawing the line ash, stopping just before the line was complete. "Derek," He called to the alpha.

Refusing to turn his back to the rabid wolf he slowly stepped back over the line and guarded stile as he finished the line. He pushed Stiles back as the omega, sensing it was trapped, charged. He immediately noticed the limp from Stiles's twisted ankle.

"How do we help him?" Scott asked Derek who shrugged.

"Dude." Stiles groaned.

"I've never seen a feral wolf before." Was Derek's only defense.

They stayed there for a while, talking to the omega before they gave up for the evening. Deciding to take shifts guarding the wolf while they spoke to Deaton about getting him back to humanity. There had to be a way to help.

Leaving the betas to guard Derek headed back to the main road to travel out to Deaton for a quick chat. Stiles, having the only car and refusing to let anyone drive his baby, was the one to give him a ride to the clinic before it closed.

The walk back the the jeep was slow, as Stiles limping and groaning slowed them both down. Derek, without a word of acknowledgment for his actions, turned and scooped the human into his arms.

Derek ignored Stiles's demands to be put down, "I'm not a damsel, I can walk just fine." He couldn't and he knew it.

His wolf purred when Stiles's heartbeat calmed and he laid his arms around Derek's shoulder relaxing in his arms.

Derek tried not to enjoy it, but he took his time getting back to the jeep.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

Derek knew for a fact that Stiles wasn't a big fan of Thai food.

Only because he had overheard Stiles mention it when Scott had offered him to go to his for dinner, telling him what his mom was picking up on the way home from work.

So when Erica complained that he dragged them out to his loft for weekly meetings and didn't feed them during the sometimes hours they were there, she demanded he start feeding them. Her Boyd and Isaac voted that he picked up some Thai, and he had little choice but to agree.

On the way back, warm food occupying the passenger seat he made the realization that Stile wouldn't eat it. He's most likely mildly complaining about the choice, saying nobody had good taste.

Now he wasn't a big fan either, but food was food.

But something in him stirred uncomfortably at Stiles going hungry until he was home later that evening. He told himself he just didn't wanna deal with a hangry Stiles complaining about not getting a vote.

So he made a pitstop at the dinner and got some takeout for Stiles. A fat burger, chocolate shake, and some curly fries.

When he entered the loft, Scott and Stiles had already arrived. They were sitting with the others around the coffee table, crowding the couch, nobody dared to sit in Derek's chair. That spot was his and they all knew it well.

He set the bags down, as soon as his hand was off them Ecria was digging the food out, sorting through to get what she wanted onto her paper plate.

Stiles eyed the bag of food but didn't move to get any as all the others did. Isaac observed the single milkshake with a curious stare.

Derek set his own food aside before digging into the other bag, taking out the box with the burger and fries, and handing it to Stiles wordlessly. Putting the milkshake in front of him before taking his seat and eating his food silently.

He did it just so he would have to hear Stile complain about being hungry.

Definitely not the accomplished feeling in his chest when Stiles smiled at the food in the box, moaning as he stuffed his face with the burger and fries from his favorite dinner.

Derek ignored the puzzled look the betas gave him as spared a gaze to Stiles. He allowed himself only a moment to marvel at the happy and comfortable scent coming from Stiles in waves. His wolf hummed at a job well done.

He made a habit of making sure Stiles was fed well when he was at the loft.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

Remember when I told you that was Derek's chair.

Not anymore I suppose.

He came into the loft after a jog, taking a moment to look over the pack lounging around and discussing werewolf things. Stiles sat in his chair, leaning over his laptop on the coffee taking notes as he asked hundreds of questions the betas did their best to answer.

It amused Derek that half the things Stiles was asking about were if any of the things in Hollywood were accurate to real werewolves.

Derek went up the stairs and changed.

"Dereks gonna kill him." He heard Isaac chuckle in a whisper to someone.

Derek only thought, 'Oh lord, what did he do know'.

He made a pitstop in the kitchen for a water bottle before mentally preparing for whatever it was Stiles if guilty of now.

Swigging his water, and downing half of it, he made his way to the 'living room'. Sighing at the expecting looks from his three betas.

Derek took a seat on the couch, closest to where Stiles sat and just watched him, waiting for a confession of something stupid. Stiles finished typing out some notes about the differences between wolf and werewolf pack hierarchs.

"Der," Stiles turned to him with a giddy look in his eye. No doubt he was excited about all the info he was getting out of the discussion, always happy for anything to add to his research. Derek short-circled a bit at the new nickname but said nothing. "You're born a wolf, are there differences between born and bitten?"

"Yes." Is all he said before Stiles silently egged him on for further expiration. His figures were ready to start typing everything that Derek said as soon as he spoke. "Born wolves have naturally better control. Our inner wolves and humanity work as one, being each other equal since birth. When bitten, their humanity will almost always try to overpower the wolf, fighting it even subconsciously. Bitten wolves always, even if the bite was accepted willingly, fight for control instead of working with the wolf for balance."

Stiles hummed excitedly typing it all out with an interested gaze at the computer. Boyd had a brow raised, and Isaac and Erica stared in confusion, Derek believing they took some offense to the explanation.

"Wait so how do you 'balance' the wolf?" Stiles questioned.

"I don't really know; it just comes naturally, like breathing." It amused Derek that Stiles immediately turned to type what he was saying once more. "I guess the trick would be to listen to the wolf and its instincts to satisfy it, even if you don't act on them. You'd get pissed off if someone never listened to you. The wolf is the same. Respect it, acknowledge it, and you'll have no issue keeping human when you need to."

"So it's like a conversation between two halves of you?" Stiles had a glint in his eye that stirred the wolf in him. It likes having Stiles's attention. Derek simply nodded. "Cool. Any other obvious differences?"

Derek thought for a moment and sighed, "Anatomy."

"What does that mean?" Stiles narrowed his eyes at him. "Oh my god, do born wolves have knots?"

The wolf howled in his head, excited for some reason that Stiles was acknowledging his cock. Except he wasn't, Derek reminded himself, it was a broad question.

"What a knot?" Erica asked bewildered.

"It's a-"

"No," Derek jumped in trying to change the subjects away from knots and sex, cause his wolf was growling in delight at the scent of excitement and curiosity on Stiles's flesh. "Stop talking about knots, we don't have-" He stopped himself from repeating the word.

"It's a penis thing real wolfs have," Stiles explained anyways chuckling at the disturbed look on Isaac's face. Erica tilted her head and Stiles offered more explanation. "The base of the penis swells up when they breed so it gets stuck inside and-"

"Enough," It was Derek's turn to look disturbed. Why did Stiles know so much about this? He didn't wanna egg on the wolf in him and think about that. "Just that born Werewolfs shifted anatomy it closer to the anatomy of a wolf."

"Oh," Stiles sighed typing that down. "Boring."

After successfully dropping the subject, he answered some more of Stiles's questions before he left to meet his dad for dinner.

Derek, once he was gone grabbed his book from the counter and returned to the living room, taking his seat and settling in for a good read. He felt eyes on him and looked up to see all three betas staring him down.

"What?"

"You let him sit in your seat?" Erica grinned with a knowing look in her eye.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

Derek was surprised when he came down the stairs, groggy with sleep when he suddenly realized another heartbeat in the loft that didn't belong to him. He drew deep breath and smelled coffee, chestnut, and something sweet he couldn't put into words. Stiles.

He came downstairs for some water after something had woken him from a deep sleep. After fighting off some nasty witches on the outskirts of the woods, everyone had come to the loft and cleaned up, tending to their wounds. When everyone was preparing to leave, Derek excused himself in his state of exhaustion to his room. He had assumed everyone would let themselves out when his head hit the pillow and he fell asleep immediately.

Derek rounded the corner and spied a sleeping figure on the couch. It was stiles, no doubt. His scent and the shape of his body were enough for him to recognize the boy instantly. Even without being a wolf, Derek knew him well.

Derek watched him for a moment. Stiles was curled into the back of the couch, back to him. His breathing was soft and even, calming Derek. Derek took a deeper breath, taking note of his chemo signals.

There was a lingering air of anxiety and a great deal of fear, now overshadowed by a strong sense of comfort and contentment. Derek frowned at the idea of Stiles sticking around in fear of leaving for whatever reason. Was Stiles afraid of going home and being alone for the night while his dad worked the graveyard shift? It itched under his skin that Stiles, despite their victory that evening, was still shaken up and afraid. He approached the boy moving slowly and deliberately without a second of hesitation. He turned the boy and scooped into his arm, trying his best not to wake him. Stepping slowly not to jostle Stiles, started for the stairs. When at the top stiles stored in his arms and sighed contently, face against his chest a small smile forming on his lips.

Derek took a moment to admire him, taking in how much he's grown into himself and matured over the years. Stiles was no longer as lanky, earning a decent muscle mass, and wasn't as awkward in his movements, still as clumsy, however. Derek smiled, continuing to his room.

"Hmm," Stiles moaned not opening his eyes. "Deja vu."

When had he woken up, his heart rate hadn't changed in the slightest. He was still just as calm and relaxed as he was when he was asleep.

"What?" Derek questioned softly.

"You making a habit of carrying me?" Stiles grinned, eyes this closed.

"You make a habit of needing to be carried." Derek defended. Stiles chuckled shaking his head and pressing into Derek more.

"Was fine on the couch." He mumbled feeling Derek lay him down on the bed. Dereks bed.

"Why didn't you go home?" Derek lifted the comforter over the boy as he settled into the mattress.

"Didn't want-" He yawned while continuing to speak. "-alone." Derek couldn't understand half of the sentence but figured from what he got between the yawns that he was right. Stiles was afraid to be alone.

"The witches are gone Stiles, You're safe at home."

"You're always alone though," Stiles mumbled as sleep was taking him. "Didn't want you alone."

Derek found himself smiling at the sleeping boy. A warmth in his chest at the thought of Stiles sticking around and sleeping on a nasty old couch just to stick around for his sake.

His hand was moving on its own, the wolf preening for contact. His fingers stroked through Stiles's hair as he decided against his initial plan to take the couch himself, crawling over Stiles and into bed.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿

The very next morning Derek woke up with a weight on his chest, not bothering to open his eyes, he knew what it was. Who it was. And he knew Stiles was awake already, He heard it in his heart rate. The boy was still lying on his chest, either pretending to be asleep or simply basking in the comfort of him. Derek didn't know or care either way.

Derek lifted his hand and stroked Stiles's back, rubbing and massaging the muscles on his shoulder. Stiles's chest rumbled with a quiet chuckle against his side.

"You did this before once too."

Derek hummed pleasantly in response.

"I was starting to think it was all in my head."

"It's not." Derek sighed opening his eyes to look at the boy who lay with his eyes closed pressing higher against his chest with a wide smile and flushed cheeks.

"Good."

"Good." He agreed.

≫ ────── ≪•◦ ❈ ◦•≫ ────── ≪

•Kermitts Masterlist•

[anxious-witch]

Okay, absolutely not a diss at the original post about Edwin's attraction to men being treated as punishment because all the men that have feelings for him hurt him and Charles, who he loves not feeling the same. It's a valid analysis and I absolutely see what op meant but but I wanted to expand on it in a more hopeful way, because I do feel like the show is, at it's core, a hopeful one, but I also didn't wanna like. Derail the post with this in a reblog so here is a separate one.

Yes, Simon sacrified him to a demon, the Cat King trapped him and consequently left him vulnerable to danger there and Monty betrayed him, but have they not also helped him face who he is? Regardless of if you think of them as villians or not, they showed him things he wanted. If Edwin left Port Townsend as soon as they were done with the case, he would have remained more or less unchanged, but would that truly have left him better off?

Moreso, Edwin changed them. Cat King realized at the end that he cannot keep Edwin unless Edwin wants to stay. That loneliness is not cured by forcing one to stay by your side, but rather by sharing a companionship. Monty realized that even if Edwin did not love him the same way, he cared for him and if circumstances were different, their friendship could have blossomed into something else too. He showed Monty that he can have thoughts and feelings outside of Esther. Hell, even if the Cat King didn't show up, it seemed like Monty was going to give up his plan to betray Edwin. Because he loved him, in the best way he knew how, in that moment. Simon by forgiving him, and letting him finally accept himself so he can move on, and Edwin realized being gay doesn't have to be a punishment. He said so himself. That the one thing that keeps them in hell, in true hell is them thinking it's a punishment.

And Charles? Charles who went to Hell for Edwin, who defied the story so ancient and powerful and got Edwin out of Hell? No matter if they end up as endgame or not, have they not already proven this is not a tragedy? This is not a punishment? If he didn't love Edwin, he would have never turned back, but he did. If it was a punishment, Edwin would have been taken again. But instead, they got out and they stayed together.

What I am trying to say is, yes, there is pain and there is hurt, but which relationship doesn't have that? Who didn't have a friend, a lover, a parent, hurt them in one way or another? That doesn't mean there was no love there, simply that that love needs more adjusting. And they all changed and began adjusting to fit a new situations and relationships they found themselves in. And I feel like, if this was a straight story, it would be exactly that.

Yes, Edwin still has a long way to go and I sincerely hope he gets his happy ending, whichever love interest he ends up choosing, but I don't think even know, this is the story of someone being tortured for being queer. It's a story of a bunch of people learning how to be who they truly are, and making mistakes all the while. But that's okay. Because they grow from it. And isn't that beautiful, in it's own way?

Simon, the bully who actually fancies the MC, Cat King, an older, more experienced guy who sees something special in the MC for the first time, Monty, the first, sweet romance that everyone wants but that doesn't end the way you expected. And of course, the best friend that has been "the one" this whol time. Those are all pretty common romance trope. We just rarely see them all together, and with some tweaking, but I'd say they make them more hopeful because that.

That's why I don't see "Love is a punishment for not having been strong enough to remain alone." as true for this particular media. Because it isn't-it's a learning experience that changes you. Perhaps not always pleasant, but we all must grow. Not even ghosts can stay unchanged.

[theresattrpgforthat]

Hey mint. For a long time now I've been looking for games that emulate Zelda. Now I know you've gotten a request like this before, so I'll add an extra challenge to help me find what I'm looking for - I'm looking for something that can handle the fantasy of playing as Zelda, or Link, or Ganondorf. Think wielding the master sword, sealing away monsters with holy magic, or playing projectile tennis with the baddies.

For bonus points: got anything with majora's-mask-style transformation masks?

THEME: Legend of Zelda; Powerful Characters.

My dear, dear friend, I don’t know if you realized this when you posted this question, but I think I’m working on a game that fits exactly what you’re looking for. (But never fear, that’s not the only thing I’m recommending.)

A Terrible Fate, by Mint-Rabbit.

The world is ending. A comet is falling; the moon is fading; the sun is growing dark. In three days, we will succumb to the heavens abandoning us to the cold and dark, or burning us up in a whirlwind of fire and ash. That is, unless the four Great Spirits can awaken.

You are heroes, called upon by the people to dive deep into the dungeons in which the Spirits slumber. Discover what has put them to sleep, and free them from whatever traps them deep within their winding halls. Keep your promise to the people, and the land will be free.

A Terrible Fate is a lightweight Forged-in-the-Dark game about cursed heroes using a time loop to free the land from impending doom. These heroes will use magic masks that they have been granted in order to open up cursed dungeons and free the Spirits that can save the land from this tragedy.

A Terrible Fate takes a lot of inspiration from the Masks of Brinkwood, and I was inspired to create it back when I received an ask about games inspired by Majora’s Mask. You are doomed adventurers granted supernatural powers through a series of magical masks, which will consume you should you fail. Venture through four dungeons to free the Spirits that can stop the sky from falling, and do your best to help people who will never remember your names. If you want a game about grief, anonymity, and time loops, then this is the game for you.

I’ll hopefully have the full game up by the time this post is live, but if not, the goal is to have this game released by June 8, because that’s when the Majora’s Mask Game Jam finishes up!

Echoes of the Broken, by Scribbles and Dice.

Welcome to Echoes of the Broken — a tabletop roleplaying game of elemental mayhem in a post-apocalyptic fantasy world.

It’s been 100 years since the Breaking of the Gods, when the world of Ranaskar was devastated by an apocalyptic war between the gods. Falling from the heavens, the broken corpses of the gods became the Remnants — colossal, monolithic structures of arcane power. From the Remnants emanates the Echo, the will of the Broken Gods, twisted by their violent end. The Echo warps the land, and corrupts the people, leaving Ranaskar a volatile hellscape. 

Now, 100 years later, the Sanctums grow weak, ever besieged by the Echoes of the Broken Gods. In desperation, the Remnants of Oros have called upon champions — the Wardens.

Characters have fairly powerful abilities granted to them by a dead god, as well as Burdens; weaknesses or curses that provide them specific disadvantages. Character creation feels fairly descriptive, building a layered history that culminates in a character with plenty of connections, gifts and responsibilities. Your characters also have attributes and skills that use a point-buy system to determine where you’ll pull your dice from.

When you want to do something, the GM will tell you what threshold is required for success. Players will create a pool of d6’s based on their attributes and skills, and attempt to meet or beat the threshold. What is really interesting about this game is that the group can choose to tackle an obstacle together, and contribute all of their successes towards the same goal. At the same time, the GM can set a higher threshold difficulty if a challenge is meant to be a group challenge, so the difficulty can scale. If you want a game with powerful characters who have a substantial amount of backstory, you might want to check out Echoes of the Broken.

Keepers of the Six Worlds, by carnel.

You are the Keepers of Harmony, beings of spirit created to guide and protect the six worlds by the All-Mother. The six worlds were created by the trickster Yorgi when he shattered the world gem in the serpent's forehead. Each of the six was a reflection of the true world but brought into equal and parallel creation.

The worlds were sealed away in a fold of the blanket of night where they would be hidden and protected from the manipulations of the gods and the temptations of the true world.

Take on the role of divine beings given authority over a pocket universe. Will you resist the temptation to become as gods? Will you preserve the status quo as you were tasked or will you help those in your care to find their own path?

This is a deck-based game that uses playing cards to generate the worlds that your characters will attempt to protect. Your actions will change the trajectory of each of these worlds, but at the same time you may also find yourself changed in the process. I think this carries the theme of transformation that you might be looking for, even if the transformation that came about is not through masks.

At World’s Edge, by Workpire.

Welcome to the edge of the world. At the final days of the final age, the fires of life have nearly been extinguished. The Sun is bleeding. The Kings are dead.Only a handful of beings are left alive - Immortals. Gods.  Whatever's left, make your way to the Temple of Fire, defeat the guardians within, complete their trials, and feed the Fire to restart life… or stop the cycle forever.

At World's Edge is a short, simple combat-based tabletop RPG with a new, unique combat system that relies on area of attacks and a dodge mechanic that makes for dynamic combat.  You are Gods, and you fight as Gods.

This is primarily a fighting game, complete with a grid to move your characters around on and attack modifiers that relate to numbers on your character sheet. Your characters are also not just hyper-competent people; they are Gods, with specific Aspects that will improve your rolls whenever they are relevant. Unfortunately, you cannot be the God of Courage or the God of Wisdom; the game works better if you have a domain over Lightning or Fire or something more tangible.

Firmament, by Veil’s Edge Games.

FIRMAMENT is a rules-lite action fantasy RPG about the conflict between the Champion of an ancient order and the various factions that wield the corrupt magic of Affliction. Players embody the powerful Champions of the Order of the Firmament as they join the fight against Affliction.

The Champions are opposed by the factions that use Affliction as a weapon. From the industrial Braxon Alchemical to the implacable Hexhunters, these enemies are the most dangerous foes the order will face. Combat is fast and deadly in FIRMAMENT—for the order's foes at least. In combat, Champions wield weapons of sunlight and moonlight in battle, and spend a resource called Celest to use powers unique to their Discipline.

If you want highly-competent characters, LUMEN is probably a good system to consider, as I’ve mentioned before. Characters are rather sleek, with three Attributes, a health and “magic” bar, and a few abilities that make your character special. The core part of this game is fast, high-action combat, and the fight against Affliction kind of reminds me of Link’s attempt to cleanse parts of Hyrule in games such as Twilight Princess or Breath of the Wild.

POWER | WISDOM | COURAGE, by UnabashedlyRose.

Whenever the Shadows rise there will always be three points of Light that oppose them. They will fight, sacrifice, and overcome the Shadows at a great cost to themselves.  But that is what makes them heroes. It is up to you now and we know you will not let us down.

POWER|WISDOM|COURAGE is a GMless game for three players about being chosen by the Light to face off against the Shadows and save your home from destruction. 

There’s an obvious reference going on with this game, although all of your characters are considered heroes, including the Ganondorf analogue. I’m not entirely sure how much setting is packaged into this game; you can probably draw the connections between the three parts of the Triforce if you want to, but I have a feeling that they’re not necessary. The other limiting factor is that this game is exactly for three players, so if you have more or less, it’s not really an option.

You might also be interested in…

My Legend of Zelda Recommendation Post.

The question that started it all. (Majora’s Mask)

Dawn of the First Day, by Riley Hopkins.

[petaltexturedskies]

Touched bottom again. Decided to liberate myself. We are never trapped unless we choose to be.

Anaïs Nin, from The Diary of Anais Nin, vol. IV: 1944-1947

[horuslupercal]

got asked on the Guilliman post so

How Primarchs Cry (To Me)

Lion: represses and represses and represses and then hides away in a closet squished into the corner like a cat on its deathbed but otherwise cries pretty normally. do not point it out to him. gets defensive if you point it out

Fulgrim: gets headaches from crying so hard. keeps a handkerchief nearby because his face gets all gross. at some point in every hardcore crying session he verbally says, "enough." because it annoys him

Perturabo: trying everything in his power to give off the vibe that he never cries. takes every breath very carefully to make sure it's silent, confidently strides off away from this shit (hides away), etc

Khan: is fine, is fine, is fine, and then he's laying in bed and suddenly has to bolt upright to cry into his hands because holy shit that's sure a wave of emotion. it's okay, it'll pass, but hooooly shit at this exact moment it hurts. doesn't want to be seen but it's not the worst thing in the world if he is

Russ: crawls under Freki and Geri like when they were pups and cries for a good while. at some point he rolls over and runs his hand over his face and then grabs one of his brothers around the neck for a wrestle session and he's either fine or he's fine enough to keep on keeping on

Dorn: goes to a private room, does the "I am in control of my emotions" like Spock in that one TOS episode, and then spins around and puts his fist through the wall. opens the door with a hole in the wall and his hair no longer perfectly coiffed and his face blotchy and red and tells you he wasn't crying

Konrad: either silently weeping or wailing like a banshee. never in between. he doesn't choose which.

Sanguinius: the only primarch who can pretty cry but only up to a certain level. at some point he starts screaming and wailing like a fox caught in a bear trap and doubling over in pain and his hair gets all stuck to his face

Ferrus: throws tantrums. doesn't collapse to the floor like a toddler but does start breaking things. makes fun of the reason for his upset -- the mid-funeral roast session in some au where Fulgrim dies pre-heresy would get him cancelled on twitter because it's the only way he can deal with something that shattering. I'm pretty sure I got that headcanon from @luwupercal actually

Angron: cries for all sorts of reasons. sometimes the nails make him cry, not because they hurt or because he hates them but just because they're directly fucking with his brain chemistry. that's the kind of passive cry where he's crying but it's not an event, it's just his tear ducts doing their thing. used to seek out comfort from his siblings in the pit when he was crying from emotion, now he flips tables and screams

Guilliman: an asthmatic pug caught in a plastic ring. gasping for air, sounds like he's being strangled, the works. sounds like he's dying

Mortarion: also sounds asthmatic, on account of the asthma. his tear ducts don't work right so he doesn't really "cry" so much as hyperventilate and occasionally dry heave

Magnus: the crying is what it is, the psychic crying is the real event. his aura gets real sticky and slow and sad, like syrup, and has a tendency to kind of. contaminate other people with his grief unless he specifically stops it from doing that. I feel like he cries when he's mad, too

Horus: sits down and covers his mouth with his hand and puts his elbow on his knee and cries like that. for some reason I feel like it's especially weird for the luna wolves to see him cry -- it's always weird to see your parent cry, but it's extra weird for them and I'm not sure why. horus sitting on a couch crying with his head in his hands and two luna wolves sending panicked looks at each other 👍

Lorgar: compresses/hugs himself so hard he can't breathe, digs his nails into his skin, etc. we saw in the first heretic that he makes himself physically uncomfortable about grief and that's really stuck with me tbh. doesn't really.... know how to cry without also being in physical pain about it

Vulkan: bows his head and weeps, standing right where he is. weirdly bad at being okay with his own grief specifically -- he'll comfort a brother without issue, but his own makes him feel on edge and sedentary and he needs to move and do something and not stand here being sad, he needs to take action, he can't let it be sticky and slow

Corvus: repression king. he can't cry right now he's too BUSY. fuck this shit. and then there's a trigger and he shatters like a popsicle bridge with too much weight on it. the year of isolation before his departure definitely involved a blanket burrito

Alpharius Omegon: how do they need to cry for this scenario?

[motherstone]

Silas's true colors

Ok, y'see @chi-the-idiot and I have been losing our minds when we combined our observations about Silas, and I thought it's developed enough to be a meta post about him and his actual character.

He's not a good person. He's not even a "flawed" misunderstood type - nope, just straight up someone who genuinely doesn't have the wellbeing of others in mind.

Main Points

Silas has always been suspicious since Book 1

Leon has a miscommunication with Emily about Silas’s intentions.

He assumed that Silas passed away too soon to tell Emily his noble goals. Thing is, if that was truly Silas’s intention, he would’ve prioritized saying that on his deathbed, especially when he’s fully aware he’s going to bite the dust soon.

Except he didn’t.

From the get go, Silas first attempt to hook Emily into claiming the Amulet is that it grants power and authority - not the ability to help other people.

Indeed, Silas’s last laments weren’t even about his failure to help the Resistance, but rather his failure to achieve great power. When Emily makes it clear that she’s not interested in it, Silas makes a point to switch tactics, and this time properly nails Emily’s actual desire - an ability to return to a time she’s happier.

And then, proceeds to give the worst possible advice to Emily about stonekeeping - listening to the stone (Which we already know, it’s a horrible idea). And to add insult to injury, he wistfully wishes that he at the very least could partake in the Amulet’s blessings would apparently gift Emily with, but alas, the bell tolls.

What’s even more sinister is Silas’s last words to Emily’s valid question of “why me?” 

Silas already knows Emily won’t be able to reject the stone to begin with. It’s not a stretch that he manufactured or at the very least allowed the events to happen that would lead to such a situation.

From start to finish, this was a sales pitch. A trap. And Emily has so very little choice but to take the bait - all hook, line, and sinker.

2. Miskit’s design and potential purpose (All Chi's notes)

Chi brought it up to me about her suspicions about Miskit’s design.

Miskit’s design looks like a plushie - he’s small, cute, all round features unlike the harder edges of bots like Cogsley or Theodore.

For one, it’s quite unique and unusual, even among bots seen in the series. But especially when compared to the rest of the Charnon bots:

Put Miskit there and he sticks out like a sore thumb.

Oh, and also, he’s Silas’s apprentice and has all his knowledge stored in his memory banks. Which is. A very weird design choice. You’d think an adult like Silas would design a bot that matches him more - but Miskit looks out of place when put beside Silas.

Unless, Miskit wasn’t built for Silas’s sake.

But rather, for his successor, Chi noted. A child successor.

Miskit, standing next to Emily, looks like a perfect match. He was built to be her companion from the get go. Silas was never going to choose his son or Karen for the stone - he had the intention of an adult succeeding him to begin with. Miskit’s design, in context of the story, is meant to emotionally manipulate the successor, because Silas wanted someone malleable, someone who is yet to grow into their place and their sense of self, and who is more perfect for such a role than a child?

3. The Charnon bots and their reliance on Silas's stone.

I want you to take note of some things:

Emily’s stone fizzled out the same time Silas died, meaning his life force is connected to it.

2. Pink energy glows and crackles in the bots' eyes.

It goes unstated, but it’s clear that Silas uses his stone to power the house AND the bots. The lights and bots going out isn’t for dramatic effect nor the stone shutting down - it’s Silas’s will over the magic spell that keeps them up running fizzling out at the same time as his life does.

Signature pink energy crackling as they're restored back to life - they're powered by their very creator, and currently, their new master.

The house lives as long the stone does. It’s why Miskit is so panicked when Silas dies and is frantic on begging Emily to accept the stone - aside from being saddled with a massive duty out of nowhere, their lives quite literally depend on it. Sure enough, when Emily accepts the stone, they all come back to life. I’d bet my entire shoe collection (which comprises three shoes) that had Emily rejected the stone, they, along the house, would remain stone dead.

Sounds reasonable enough that Silas would use his stone to power them - it is a power source after all.

But the thing is - he doesn’t need to do it.

We don’t get further context later, but then we get to see other bots in the series and -

They all operate independently of a stonekeeper providing them power to function. We get that confirmation as early as book 2.

Meaning Silas built in the bots' dependence on him from their inception - they’re quite literally chained to Silas by life. It’s true that they’re loyal to him by choice, but that’s all the more convenient for Silas, as he makes it quite clear that he has no intention of letting them go if they wish to - either they serve him, or die.

In other words - SILAS HAS ALWAYS BEEN A TERRIBLE PERSON. I don’t know what the fuck Kazu was thinking trying to retcon him as a flawed hero, but it’s obvious he was never a good guy to begin with. He’s a power hungry, control freak who’s a slave to his desires - there’s not an ounce of decency nor noble intentions in this man.

[shiftinglea]

How you create

“To become a master of creation (or manifestation), we need to see and accept the simple truth:

You create every single experience in your life.

There are no accidents, coincidences, or “bad luck.” You have created everything in your life, either consciously or unconsciously. This is how it works:

We create on three levels:

Soul level

Subconscious level

Conscious level

Let’s start with the Conscious level. On this level, we create our reality with thoughts, assumptions, beliefs, and intentions. Basically, this is what the LOA community teaches you. You create with full awareness of what you are doing. There is no need to talk in detail about this level of creation because you probably already know it: your assumptions/state create your reality. I will talk more about the state in another post.

The Subconscious level of creation is the level that most people don’t know or aren’t aware of. You create your reality with very little awareness on this level due to programs, patterns, and scenarios hidden in your subconscious. Such patterns are mostly created during our childhood because kids (until 12 y.o.) still have developing brains and they absorb information like sponges.

Here is an example of the subconscious level of creation:

A child grew up in a family where parents used to blame rich people for their issues. This child would receive subliminal messages that money is bad. So growing up, this child will subconsciously distance themselves from money. He/she will sabotage themselves from making a fortune. They might consciously want to be rich, but on a subconscious level, there is a belief that money is bad.

So until they reprogram this belief, they might experience difficulties in manifesting money consciously because there is a contradiction on a conscious and subconscious level. It’s still possible to manifest money consciously with a subconscious fear of money, but it can be more challenging to remain in the state of wish fulfilled since there are contradicting feelings about money.

The Soul level of creation is more mysterious in a way. Our souls hold larger agendas for this life that we are not aware of. Unless we are. This agenda is connected to evolution and moving to the completion of itself. For example, in your previous life, your agenda could have been to experience forgiveness. This life’s agenda could be something else. When the soul has experienced everything it wanted to experience through many lifetimes, it feels completed.

Your soul always leads you to growth, expansion. It leads you to the right people, places, opportunities, events, books, posts, etc.

I have a theory that people who are interested in LOA have a specific soul agenda (or at least one of). This agenda of yours might be experiencing yourself as a conscious creator of your life. To experience yourself as God.

Some people don’t know (or don’t remember) that they are Gods. But you are being led to this knowledge not by chance. It is because your soul wants you to remember it. Your soul wants you to create the life you desire. To be God.

Sometimes our souls create something that we would have never chosen to create on a conscious and subconscious level.

For example, tragedy or traumatic events that happened to you. You didn’t create it consciously or subconsciously. But your soul chose to experience that. We might not know what was the purpose of that experience until we leave this physical state and move into the spiritual realm (or “death” as you might call it).

But it’s important to understand that your soul never wants your suffering. It wants your growth and expansion.

Masters of creation always agree with the experience she/he is having, even if the experience does not appear to be favorable because the master knows that on some level (subconscious, conscious, or soul), he/she intended it. And if the master doesn’t like the creation anymore, then he/she simply chooses (creates) a new experience.

They never feel trapped in their reality. Why would they? If they created it in the first place. They can create again.

When I was learning about the three levels of creation myself, I had this question:

What if I want to create something, but my soul doesn’t have it in its agenda? Does it mean I won’t be able to create it?

But then I was given this answer:

It’s the choice of my soul to create whatever I choose on the Conscious level. In other words, the intention of my soul is to experience itself as a conscious creator in this life.

Otherwise, I (and you) would not be led to LOA, shifting, void, etc.

So yes, your soul would create everything you have chosen to create on conscious (and subconscious) level.

[vmpiires]

❛ INFINITY — 無限大

choso x f!reader ﾉ MDNI

𑂻𑂴 summary. ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ𓂃ㅤ you and choso go on a “date” and choso opens up about his family

𑂻𑂴 tags. ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ𓂃ㅤ choso (non-curse), mid 90s AU, nsfw, female anatomy, stoner!choso, mentions of going broke, possible sexual content, canon/modern lore mixes, etc.

𑂻𑂴 a/n. ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ𓂃ㅤ i almost forgot about this story BUT IM HERE. reblog to support meeee and enjoy :D (lmk if you wanna be tagged in the next part)

𑂻𑂴 misc. ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ𓂃ㅤ masterlist ,, AO3 — dark mode recommended. WC — 2.35K — part four

@sad-darksoul @aiyaaayei @a1-ic3 @exinqiu

“you wanna…hang out? like, right now?” you heard choso say hesitantly over the phone. it was around ten at night and you weren’t busy. you didn’t have anything better to do. plus, you wanted to go out a bit more since you were a bit of a homebody.

“yeah, why not?” you beamed over the phone. “it’ll be fun and i don’t have nothing else to do. plus, we need to hang out more before it gets too cold…winter is around the corner.”

“oh..um, yeah sure. you’re right.” choso answered. though, he was in the clear for the evening since yuji would be spending the night with his friends for a sleepover, the male was still skeptical about somethings.

what if there’s an emergency? what if something happened to his little brother? anything could’ve happened while he was away, not supervising.

you grin excitedly, starting to list multiple places you could go. it took some quick process of elimination just to choose the park. it was simple and it seemed like choso really wanted to go for some reason, so you agreed.

once you got off the phone, you navigate to your messages app and send him a text, ‘oh i forgot to say that if you wanna bring food or something you can.’

now you had to play the waiting game. it was always you waiting longer than five minutes or less than a minute for choso to text back.

well this time you didn’t have to wait. your phone makes a sound shortly after you sent that message. you take a glance down to see that choso loved your message.

‘helping my brother pack. i might be a little late.’

you smiled at the text and urged him to take his time. you thought it was sweet how heavily choso cared for yuji. nothing never went unnoticed around him. he was like a big brother and a mother in one.

you began to put on your clothes and grab whatever you needed before you would finally leave out of the house and make your way towards the park.

the night sky was so clear and perfect. you could see all the stars just from where you were standing. that’s when you started to wonder if choso liked stargazing. how would he feel about that?

you were quickly reminded that choso may not have time for stuff like that since he seemed like a busy man. you could also tell he was the type that wasn’t very exposed to current day activities trending amongst other people.

it’s like he’s trapped in his own bubble.

“hold your hand out,” choso said before lifting yuji’s hand to clip his nails. “now, i’ll be going out somewhere tonight, so i won’t be at home while you’re with your friends…but if you need me, please call me, okay?”

“i know, big brother,” yuji smiled up at his elder brother. choso’s cheeks turned a rosy color before smiling back. “but where are you going? you never leave the house this late unless you picked up work.”

“you’re right but tonight is different…i’m gonna meet our brothers, spend some time outside the house…i shouldn’t be rotting in here all the time anyway.”

choso put the boy down once he finished clipping yuji’s nails and ruffled his hair. he would fold some clothes and place them down into the bag neatly.

“don’t let anybody touch your stuff and break it, okay? you’re allowed to share but make sure they’re being careful. you know money is hard around here and i can barely afford some of this stuff for you.” choso mumbled. his soft expression seemed to turn into a slight frown.

yuji nodded but he couldn’t help but notice his brother’s expression. “are you mad, big brother?”

the dark haired male blinked quickly and shook his head. “no, no. i’m not mad…life is just really hard and i need to probably find a second job.”

working as a bartender is okay for him, he didn’t mind it. but when it came to needing more money to upkeep the house and to satisfy both their wants and needs, he would need a second job.

“then we won’t be able to hang out together,” yuji frowned. it was already hard for choso to make time for his little brother but now it would be even harder.

“i know, itadori…i know. but i’ll make it up to you as best as i can. i promise i’ll never forget about it, okay?” choso held his pinky finger out to yuji. “you trust me?”

“i trust you,” yuji grinned.

“good.” choso smiled as he retracted his hand away from the boy. “now hurry and go grab your coat and your shoes. let’s go, we don’t wanna be late.”

yuji nodded and grabbed his coat from the closet by the front door and put on his favorite red boots before hurrying out of the door, waiting for choso to follow behind him.

after choso drove yuji to the other side of town, choso would make a stop at the corner store and bought another pack of cigarettes and some snacks that you both would like.

it took a little bit of time to make up his mind because he was a bit picky about what he ate but he’d eventually figure it out before heading to the park, finally meeting up with you.

“hey,” choso called her name breathlessly as he jogged over to the spot where you were sitting at. the park was empty, perfect for just the two of you to relax and talk and do whatever came to mind. “i’m so sorry i took so long. i drove thirty minutes from my place, to the other side of town for yuji then back, i’m sorry.”

you noticed his apologetic tone and you nod your head no, smiling at him. “don’t worry about it. like i told you, you didn’t have to rush to get here. i wasn’t going anywhere.”

the two of you finally get comfortable on the grass, eating the snacks you both brought and the drinks. choso noticed you opening a can of beer from the six pack brought with you. the male lifted an eyebrow.

“i thought you didn’t drink..” he said softly. you nod, taking a sip of your beer before sucking your teeth.

“i don’t but it’s nice for the occasion, you know?” you reach down and hand one to choso, offering it to him. the male was about to say no but he considered your next words.

“come on, just one can won’t hurt you. you gotta loosen up a little bit. you’re a busy guy that barely gives himself a break. tonight’s your night, cho.”

the male would light a cigarette and put it between his lips before humming. you were definitely right. choso never gave himself a break. he was always moving. hesitantly, he’d take the can from you and open it, listening to the sound as it hissed open.

you giggled when you saw choso’s face contort to an expression of disgust the second he took a sip of the beer.

“you like this?” he asked.

“i don’t like it either but after a while it’ll taste better.” you reassured. there’s a silence between the two of you as you both sat there, taking in your environment.

trees blowing gently in the quiet wind of the night. lampposts casting dim lights and weak shadows, and the occasional chirping of crickets hiding in the soil somewhere.

choso wasn’t a man of many words so the silence was tolerable but then a thought came to your head. while choso smoked his cigarette and you ate your snacks, you turned to him.

“why’d you wanna come to the park so bad?” you asked.

“it’s from a recurring dream i have. every time i have that dream, i see my brothers here. i just wanted to….i don’t even know. i just wanted to know that this place wasn’t just a figment of my imagination, i guess.”

“do you know what happens in the dream?”

“it all goes by so fast…it’s not that i don’t remember what happens, i just hate talking about it sometimes. i’m sorry.”

“it’s fine, you don’t have to apologize,” you scooted a bit closer to him. “hey, let’s talk about something else. to lighten the mood, y’know?”

“oh..yeah, good idea.” choso nodded slowly, taking a drag from his cigarette. you had an idea already on what to talk about and you were obviously eager. anyone could just tell by the look on your face.

“have you ever stargazed before?” you began.

“uh…no. i mean- i look at stars but…i don’t do it like that. it’s- i don’t know.” he trails off, looking embarrassed and shy when he realized that he’s stumbled over his words a bunch.

“here, lay down.” you would lie down and choso just looked at you as if what you were doing was the oddest thing on earth. you waved your hand, gesturing him to do the same.

finally, choso would lay down, his eyes lighting up at the blanket of stars covering the sky. the stars were beautiful and bright that night. he could see some of them lining up, creating shapes—constellations.

“i love stars. they’re just so pretty.” you comment, “they look so close but they’re just so far…too bad some of them are dead.”

“these stars have been dead for a long time, they’re just now reflecting back to us.” choso chimed in lowly. you sighed.

“don’t you wish you could just be a star in the sky? not having to worry about anything or anyone in the universe, just yourself?”

“i’m not sure if i wanna turn into a star just yet,” choso said. “it sounds like death to me…but if i could run away and live somewhere secluded from society, i’d do it. me and yuji.”

“do you think anybody would miss you?” you frown a little, your expression a bit serious. choso shrugged.

“i have no friends...and if i did, they all died or they’re just people i don’t speak to anymore. i’m that lonely.” he sighed. “i don’t need other people anyway. it doesn’t bother me.”

choso looked at you and automatically felt embarrassed again. he ran his fingers through his medium length hair and shook his head.

“sorry. i overshare a lot.”

“you apologize a lot…it’s not really anything wrong with it, i just noticed that.” you say. “is that just…how you are? if you don’t mind me asking..”

“it’s just how i am, so—never mind. my dad was just so hard on me, i was always apologizing for something and he just kinda turned me into a sorry mess.”

the sudden mention of his father made him frown and he sighed. “i’m glad i don’t live with him…but i would probably stay there just for some money. he’s the typical salaryman with a son that’s broke…or at least, almost broke.”

“does the job you work at not pay enough?” you shifted your body so you were facing choso instead of the sky.

“it helps me get me and my brother some food that would last us a while and probably a shirt. not any of that luxury stuff. the only time i get that kind of stuff is when it’s given to me.”

“okay, that, i think is an exaggeration…every time i see you two, you’re dressed nicely and when we facetime, your house looks nice and clean,” you say. your hand slowly moved towards his but you hesitate to keep going.

“yeah, i guess it is. my job pays pretty well…i guess i’m just paranoid about it not being enough.” choso took a drag of his cigarette. when he felt your hand on his, he’d look down at it then back at you. instead of leaving your hand where it was, he’d take your hand into his.

the two of you were feeling a buzz from the beers you were drinking and the world seemed to be moving in slow motion. choso saw the soft smile on your face as you looked into his soft, tired eyes. you saw how his dark hair covered a lot of his face as he laid on the ground beside you.

“you know, i think you’re a really nice guy,” you blurt out. you weren’t even aware of what you were saying yourself. “i really like you.”

“i….” choso’s breath hitched, “uh…i like you too. i’ve liked you for a long time—since we met.” the male could feel his ears getting hot and the tip of his nose was a pinkish color from the cold, mixed with his blushing.

there was a tingly feeling on his face as his cheeks began to warm with excitement and embarrassment. the cut underneath his bandage was starting to bleed again.

“take this off,” you whispered, slowly removing the bloody bandage, revealing the red cut across his nose that’s usually black. you would take a napkin from your bag and once again, clean the blood from his face.

choso was obviously embarrassed. this was the second time you saw his cut but he didn’t really like others seeing it. the male used his hoodie to cover his nose.

“uh…thank you..for uh—for cleaning it.” he mumbled. you smiled at him and pulled the collar of his hoodie down from over his face before kissing him. your lips locked with each others and you both seemed to be in a deep state of excitement and euphoria.

choso never kissed a girl before. he wasn’t sure what was happening or what he was supposed to do but he tried his best to follow your lead anyway.

when you pulled away, you could see the surprise on choso’s face. his face was flushed from being so inebriated just as you were.

you both fell silent. the only noise that existed was your own breathing and the nature around you. choso was sure he wouldn’t remember much of this tomorrow and neither would you…but deep down, he found it hard to believe.

lowkey this took so long to write,, i’m tired 😭 i’m glad you guys like this. i made something happen so…now its time to get ready to wrap it up. also sorry if there’s any mistakes lol

© EXORSIIAN | © ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

[lint-beetle4]

shadowpeach. I am giving you free rein here. Just shadowpeach.

Pick A Flower (ShadowPeach)

This one is hella cheesy ngl, gotta hide it out of some slight embarrassment. I kind of liked how it turned out, but it's pretty short. Hope you enjoy!

“Who’re you?” 

“Oh. You look just like me.”

“Friends? Why?”

Macaque was loyal once the King had found him. The monkey himself knew of his abilities, but he–like the king–was young, uncontrolled with his abilities. Greeted with the sight of demons, now brothers, Macaque made a promise to himself to watch over his companion. In his quest for immortality, Macaque joined him, staying behind and orbiting the sun to ensure his safety.

“You won’t stand a chance against us. Why not bow down to your king already?”

“Heaven won’t be able to ignore you after this. You’ll shine among the other gods!”

“Do you really need to head up there? You already proved your worth, Wukong, why not just stay here and enjoy the life we have?”

They defeated countless monsters and demons, letting the Sage prove his worth to heaven as his shadow watched from the ground, tending to their, now shared, subjects. Centuries passed as the Sage toiled in heaven, meaningless task after task before he came back, ready to battle the gods. Macaque joined him, ready for the fight, but against all of heaven, Wukong was captured, and several brothers had been taken or imprisoned already. Macaque lingered, effectively hiding in his shadows and away from the glares and mocking words of his brothers. They never liked him, choosing to spit at his wise cowardice.

“I’ll keep waiting for you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“We should head back to the waterfall. I hear no other heartbeats on the island.”

So, Macaque became the one to regroup his subjects, caring for the younger ones who had been forced to shed blood before they could even grow tall. It had been centuries since Macaque had seen Wukong, their last interaction being a parting of ways from the mountain.

“I’ll protect you. I won’t leave you like your king did.”

“I would’ve helped if I could.”

“You did it for yourself.”

Macaque’s home was no longer his, but even then, he couldn’t help but aid in their efforts once the ruthless Erlang set fire to the mountain, hunters claiming subjects as food and mere entertainment. Macaque retrieved the subjects he could find, the waterfall becoming their shelter as Macaque tried to collect who had been taken away. In his search, Macaque was met with the most disgusting, almost hilarious sight.

“I’ll find them. All of them. No one will bother this island after I’m through with those monsters.”

“The fires have stopped. Do not leave the waterfall unless you need food or water. Be wary of what remains about there.”

“So this is where the Great Sage lurked off to?”

There he was, Sun Wukong, Great Sage Equalling Heaven, leashed like a dog to some mortal with a foolish quest. Macaque watched as the Sage was sent away, his heart softening at the speed in which Wukong fled home. Macaque set on his quest, choosing to pocket his observation for later. With newly learned portals and a greater ability in his magic, Macaque had returned lost monkeys back home.

It was then that the dark monkey could enact his revenge, to free his partner from the muzzle that trapped him with such a lowly group.

“I won’t allow anyone to make a mockery of him.”

“Go off now. I have business to attend to with some people.”

“He’ll be freed from this mess once and for all.”

It was easy really, to be Wukong. Macaque found comfort in his stories, learning how to act and perform various characters and personalities. It lightened up darker days without their sun where ash would cover the skies and rain would fall black as tar. No, to Macaque, it was a game, seeing how far he could go while staying under the radar. Those foolish men saw nothing but Wukong acting more subdued, something sparking like a flame that flickers wildly in the wind yet still remains in the pit it burns, and that is exactly what Macaque needed. 

In the dead of night, Macaque laid in his disguise, his plan so close to completion.

Macaque had gained the trust of Wukong’s captors, and they slept thinking they were protected. Yet, the moon’s light hid away this week, casting the night in shadows. Macaque released his form, glad to feel the comfort of his body.

Yet, before he knew it, Wukong had done more than get captured. He had betrayed his kingdom and his brothers. He had betrayed the gentle love between both celestial primates, and Macaque laid on the ground, screaming to his angered lover.

“Wukong! Stop! Please, stop, I–!”

But, the sun’s light had risen, casting away the moon for eons to come.