#we had to take our cat to the vet yesterday for a normal check up and a vaccine and he’s feeling a bit down and sensitive today

[spacebell]

had a tiny anxiety attack this morning again and now I’m painting and I feel so much better

[finnglas]

In order to explain my cats' latest obsession, I have to give you some history. Behind a cut, warnings for Cat Illness.

In 2015, both K and I were working a lot and I felt bad that my>our cat, Luna, was being left alone for hours on end. So we decided to get a second cat - thus, Evie joined the family. Now, being that Evie was about 2 years old and Luna was about 5 years old, they didn't really enjoy the Sudden Roommate Situation [SRS]. It took a lot longer than normal for the introductory methods to work. (They still tolerate each other more than anything but they seem to have made their peace, eight years on.)

Anyway, we got Evie in November of 2015 and in January of 2016 I lost my job and Luna also developed an ongoing UTI due to the stress of the SRS. (Between this and the Politics Situation at the time, I was so stressed I skipped my period for almost seven months. I don't think any of us have recovered.) Anyway, so Luna had to go on antibiotics, and the antibiotics gave her diarrhea, so we also put her on probiotics, but the probiotics (I learned later) gave her worse diarrhea, and the stress of constant upset stomach meant that she kept having ongoing UTIs which meant ongoing antibiotics/probiotics, etc., in a vicious cycle. I'm still mad at that vet because they refused to slow down to consider me asking "what if the fact that it's making her sick is contributing to the infection" and kept just assigning more rounds of antibiotics that I couldn't afford. Yeah that credit card JUST got paid off two months ago.

A N Y W A Y. The result of all this is that it tore poor Luna's stomach up to the point that she couldn't eat any kind of dry treat or kibble. Literally, one Greenie treat would instantly give her the shits. This means that both cats have been on wet-food-only for like, seven years. It's expensive, and not great for their teeth, but also Luna wasn't shitting herself constantly so you take what you can get. I occasionally tried samples of kibble that advertised themselves as Sensitive Stomach Formulae over the years but none of them were successful.

Fast forward to two weeks ago, when I was at my parents' for my dad's surgery and Kellie stayed home with the cats. She had to go get some more wet food for them during this time and while at the pet store, she eyed a bag of kibble that said it was for Sensitive Stomachs and had a strong impulse to Try It. So she got a small bag. Texted me about it. I said "You're awfully brave trying that while I'm not home to give her a bath when her back end winds up covered in poop at 2am."

But miracle of all miracles: Luna can tolerate this kibble. We started very very small - less than 1/8 of a cup once a day - and have been working our way up. We are at 1/6 of a cup once a day now, and there has been no stomach upset!

This is great news for multiple reasons, but one of them is that we can now have an automatic feeder which means that we can take short overnight trips without needing a cat-sitter. For long trips, of course, we'd still want someone checking in on them and giving them their supplement of wet food.

We have one such short overnight trip coming up in two weeks, so I took advantage of Black Friday sales on one of my favorite pet brands (their water fountain also came from PetLibro) and ordered them a two-bowl pet feeder. It came in yesterday (love Black Friday being a week long now) and I set it up last night. I tested it at the time by having it dispense 1/12 of a cup of kibble. Worked great! tipped most of it back into the granary and let the kitties have a couple of pieces as a treat.

WELL. They now cannot enter the room without paying tribute to the Fickle God of Kibble, aka Sammy the Automatic Feeder, just in case he has decided to dispense more kibble.

They just had their first scheduled 9am feeding, and both of them ran around like they were losing their minds before diving in mouth-first, so I am deeply amused and will be watching these developments with interest.

[blahandwhatever]

Yesterday I woke up feeling relatively normal. Had a normal start to the day, not thinking about things too much. Finally went for a walk in Buffalo Creek, the sky full of departures - planes, birds, the sun. Got my first poke bowl in a while. Got a nice card in the mail from the vet and two sets of paw prints. I felt comforted.

Then my mother called to ‘check how I was doing’, and it killed me for some reason. Not for some reason, I know why. But I didn’t realize how fragile I still was, one emotional insult away from falling apart. My heart (literal, again) was fucked for the rest of the day; I felt awful and afraid. I barely got through work - where I got some unusually pain-in-the-ass feedback - and trudged through hours of attempted fun and peace. All the chores I was supposed to do were left undone.

Much as most of this situation is not about me, I deserved to be treated better than I was throughout it, and it makes me angry. The way my parents make every stressful and difficult situation more stressful and difficult. How completely they fail to be kind when it’s needed most. How easily they trample on their children’s feelings and dignity. How, even when we no longer live together, when our interactions are relatively few, and when I continue to engage with them solely for their sake and not mine, they still can’t be bothered to put in the effort to treat me well in those few hours or minutes. It makes me sick how much sickness I’ve put up with from these people, and that I’m still not free from it. They are so completely worthless - counterproductive - to my emotional well-being that it makes having a relationship with them feel absurd.

Even my mother’s ‘checking in on me’ felt insulting because I could feel the superficiality and insincerity of it. That the seriousness of my (and my brother’s) feelings for this cat is kind of a joke to her, and she looks down on me like a child - because it’s ‘just an animal’. Not to mention her lack of acknowledgment of her harshness and condescension to me in our previous interactions. And like. The mindfuckery of her conviction that she had the most selfless and pure intentions out of everyone, or the best understanding of his needs, when she had the least love and affection for him, no real bond with him, no actual interest in or knowledge about cats in general, and an active desire to not have to put up with his issues or the work and inconveniences he brought anymore that she had openly and strongly expressed.

And then she asked about me potentially visiting this weekend, which was the last thing in the world I wanted, and the obliviousness was kind of enraging. I stupidly said we’ll see when I should’ve just said no so I wouldn’t have to follow up with her.

And my father... he’s never been healthy under any kind of stress. No emotional management skills. He wasn’t the worst person in this situation - and got some unfair fire from my mother himself - but he was difficult and draining to deal with too.

Anyway. I've somewhat gotten over things, but I have absolutely no reason to want to talk to or be around these people anytime soon. Today I slept very long and made some mental and physical recovery, but I have a ways to go. I didn’t get anything done besides a bit of work. I thought I was ready to take on fuller workloads, but I’m not. I’m still so tired and unfocused and probably not doing the best job. So I’ll take it easy a bit longer. I’m lucky to have this flexibility, and enough financial security to be able to use it. I guess I’m lucky too to not be living with my parents through this situation - that would’ve been a nightmare. And maybe I can take some solace in the fact that this was the last shared responsibility we could have this type of conflict over. Aside from potentially my brother.

At night, people made some commotion outside again, and I didn’t want to panic about it but did hate it, do hate all noise and people outside the building at night always and forever.

[hiddeninthefoothills]

This is a long ass, poorly written rant just FYI.

Moose went to the vet yesterday just for a standard check up and blood work. Everything came back normal. He does have a funky thing with one of his teeth so he will need another dental.

Sometimes I think about how much I am judged with what i prioritize. My animals are my number one priority. I am lucky enough to have a partner that understands this. He is fine with dropped $1000 on a dental. My parents never really prioritized their animals health unless there wasn't something OBVIOUSLY wrong. They would let their vaccines expire, not get them groomed unless they made me do it, only got them dentals when their teeth were so bad the vet was pulling a ridiculous amount of rotten teeth out, ect. I am not perfect, Kiba needs his vaccines updated. However since Moose is a working service dog, he got priority first. Kiba will be updated as soon as we pay down the care credit.

Anyways. What I feel like my parents don't understand, is own an animal is a privilege and a huge responsibility. I own five mammals (2 dogs and 3 cats). We drop thousands of dollars on their standard vet care every year. We drop around $150-200 a month on supplies for them. And I wouldn't change any of it. I genuinely love caring for, and spending money on my animals. It makes me happy seeing how nice their lives are. (Please note, i am fully aware how privileged i am - my partner and i have decent paying full time jobs). My parents make a over six figures a year and have a fuck ton of money in a lot of different accounts - and this was before my grandmother passed and they recieved a six figure amount from the estate. Yet they don't spend a little money to make sure their animals are in good health. (I know vet care is expensive but when you take on an animal you are signing up to pay for that stuff, and they have amazing financial aid programs for vet care in our area). All of our animals growing up died suddenly. All. Of. Them. The most recent was Lucy. She had cancer and it had gotten so bad the disease was EATING HER HIP AND JOINT. But my mom didn't do anything about it until Lucy was severely limping. She got the news about Lucy's cancer and the dog was put down a few days later. Oh yeah, and my mom asked ME TO CALL AND MAKE THE EUTHANASIA APPOINTMENT. I noticed this had happened before too. Lucy would get UTI's a lot. My parents, brother, and i were walking Lucy and Bodhi and i noticed Lucy was peeing STRAIGHT BLOOD. I even walked to the grass and put my fingers on the bloody urine to show my mom. My parents called me dramatic and it was weeks and weeks until my mom took that poor dog to the vet.

I guess what I am trying to get out is fuck my parents. They shouldn't own animals if they can't even do the bare minimum. Oh. And to top it all, my mom purchased a golden puppy about three months ago. Soooo she can spend $3000-4000 on purchasing a dog, but can't get her animals regular vet care? Yeah fuck that bitch.

[onlysarah235678]

A Little Bit

Pairing: Billie Dean Howard x female reader

Request: Can you write about the reader working in healthcare/retail (during or not during COVID-your choice) and she meets Billie and they hit it off?

A/N:  So I wrote this a lot faster than I thought I would…don’t expect that to happen again. I hope this is okay. I decided to write about the members of healthcare we don’t always hear about. Also, my friend’s a vet so… enjoy?

Warnings: None? Brief mention of bugs?

It had been wandering around her neighborhood for weeks, but it wasn’t until today that Billie Dean paid it much attention. She’d assumed that the cat was one of her neighbor’s and they just let it roam around. She’d seen its lithe black form darting across the streets on days when she returned from filming late into the night, but besides briefly wondering about where it was going, she never spared it much thought.

However, as she peered under her deck at the sound of quiet meows, she realized she had a problem. She had been out working in her garden on one of her rare days off when she heard it. The medium had turned and seen a pair of eyes from across the yard, and despite her better judgement she went to investigate.

Now, as she stared at the black cat surrounded by her litter of 6, she had a feeling she wouldn’t be getting back to her garden anytime soon.

“Dr. Y/L/N, Lindsey just added another one to your morning.”

You tried not to groan in annoyance when you heard one of the vet assistants say this to you. The day had barely started, but things had been ridiculously busy. The practice you worked at had up to 5 other doctors working at a time on a regular weekday, but since today was Saturday, there were only two working.

Dr. Hahn and you.

The schedule had already been booked by the time you arrived to work, and it was just luck that you had a cancellation for your 11:30 slot. You had already planned on taking an early lunch when news of another appointment being scheduled came. You tried not to be annoyed because this was your job and you did love it. You were just exhausted. It had been a long week.

A long month really.

Since moving to L.A after finishing school, you hadn’t spent much time doing anything other than work. Let alone getting to know the city. You had jumped into your work and spent almost every waking minute thinking about it. As a new vet, you were trying your best to prove yourself and make a good impression at your job. You thought you were doing a fairly good job, but you hadn’t allowed yourself to have much time to yourself.

Other than walking your dog, Milo, who had made the cross-country trip with you, most of your free time was spent making sure you had the most up-to-date information out there to offer your clients. You didn’t want to be caught off guard, not again.

You eventually smiled at the assistant and thanked her despite wanting to glare instead.

“Thank you, Erin.”

It wasn’t her fault you weren’t getting your early lunch.

After corralling the cat and her kittens into the most suitable container she could find, Billie Dean was on her way to the vet. She had called a couple and unfortunately hadn’t been able to get an appointment so last minute. She had almost given up, when the last one she’d called had luckily had a cancellation for only about an hour away.

It was perfect timing until it took her almost 20 minutes to get the cats out from under the deck. The mom hadn’t trusted her immediately and it had taken some coaxing before she’d risked reaching out to pet the mother. While speaking more reassurances that she was sure the cats didn’t understand, Billie Dean collected all 6 kittens and the mother and loaded them into the front seat.

It wasn’t until she started driving that she realized she might be late. This clinic was almost 30 minutes away with normal weekend traffic. Billie Dean sighed before she made sure that all of the cats were still settled in the box before beginning to drive a little bit faster.

Hopefully she wouldn’t be too late.

“They’re late.”

You hadn’t realized it immediately because your last appointment ran over, but once 11:40 rolled around you realized that your 11:30 had never shown up.

You had looked over the details of the appointment quickly realizing that hopefully it would be routine kitten stuff. You hadn’t recognized the name of the owner because well, you didn’t watch much television. It wasn’t until the assistant you were working with for the morning, commented on it, that you realized that Billie Dean Howard was anything special.

“Oh no! She didn’t show up?? Ugh, I was dying to meet her.”

You turned to your disappointed assistant, Erin with a confused frown. You continued to type up your medical note from the last appointment before asking off-handedly.

“Who did you say she was again?”

If you had been paying more attention, you would have noticed Erin shoot you an incredulous look. Instead you were writing about the last patient’s bloodwork when the brunette finally answered you.

“Look, Dr. Y/L/N. I know you’re new to town, but how do you not know who Billie Dean Howard is?”

You just shrugged while shooting the younger woman a sheepish look. You were very good about being the last to know things. It wasn’t your fault you were so out of touch from school. There had hardly been any time for television when you were always studying.

“Sorry, you know I don’t watch much tv.”

Erin shook her head with a sigh before she decided to take pity on you. You finished typing your note and turned to face the other brunette as she explained to you who your missed appointment had been.

“She’s a famous medium who goes to various places around the world that are haunted for her television show. It’s so good, I watched an entire season yesterday.”

Before you had a chance to ask how that was possible, Lindsey appeared with a piece of paper and a sympathetic smile on her face.

“Your 11:30 is here.”

You looked at the clock, it was a quarter to noon, before you just nodded with a small smile. Lindsey handed the check in sheet to Erin who grabbed it with an excited squeal that made you nearly roll your eyes.

At least one of you were excited for this.

Billie Dean was beyond stressed. She had been making good time for her appointment, when the mom cat, she’d taken to calling her Bit, had decided to jump out of the box and explore her car. She’d been so distracted and worried that she’d slowed to the point that people were honking her off the road. She’d stopped in a parking lot to try and get Bit back into the box, but as soon as the door opened, she’d jumped out.

Billie had questioned her decision to not just ignore the cat this morning as she spent the next 15 minutes trying to catch Bit and return her to the car.

Now, she was really late and she knew that she had probably missed her appointment. She hurried inside with the box, making sure to hold onto Bit so she didn’t jump out again before opening the front door. She hurried toward the counter with an apologetic smile and a hopeful look.

“I’m so sorry I’m late. I had a bit of a time getting here. I have an appointment for 11:30.”

Billie figured she didn’t need to give her name because the look on the receptionist’s face when she saw her was telling enough. She was used to having fans so she just smiled politely as the other blonde, Lindsey, her nametag said, nodded frantically and ran to the printer.

“Of course, Ms. Howard. I’ll let them know you’re here.”

Billie watched as the younger blonde nearly ran toward the back before she sat down with a sigh. She looked at the box of cats with a small smile. She scratched Bit’s chin before she checked on each of the kittens. They all looked so tiny and weak. They all were huddled up in the middle of the box sleeping on top of each other. It was truly adorable.

“Ms. Howard?”

The medium had been too busy contemplating how many of the kittens she could keep to realize that someone else had entered the waiting room. She looked up to see a brunette smiling at her and holding a door to the back open. She jumped up, clutching onto the box carefully before making her way over to the woman in scrubs.

“Hi. I’m sorry I’m late.”

Erin just smiled and shook her head as she led Billie Dean to a nearby exam room. She’d already screamed silently before coming to get the blonde so she wouldn’t geek out, but she couldn’t help but be a little starstruck by the medium’s presence.

“It’s not a problem, we’re just glad to see kittens on our schedule.”

You waited while your assistant got the history from Billie Dean. From where you were seated in the pharmacy, you could hear some of what was being said. It sounded like a standard visit. No issues except for apparently a random cat decided to have kittens underneath Billie’s porch. You tried not to overthink this visit as you listened to the blonde talk to her assistant. You hadn’t been nervous before because you hadn’t really needed to be.

Except that was when you hadn’t known that you were going to be seeing someone who was famous. Someone whose name you didn’t even recognize, but that was beside the point. The point was that now that the idea was in your head, you were freaking out a little bit.

You could hear a slight accent in her voice and you couldn’t help but smile at it. It sounded cute.

You sat up slightly, startled at the sudden thought. You shook your head scolding yourself for being so unprofessional and attempted to push that thought to the back of your mind. You turned at the sound of the exam door opening and watched as Erin shut it behind her quietly with a huge smile on her face.

“She’s so cool. Oh my god that was so cool!”

She whisper screamed at you and you couldn’t help but laugh in amusement. Someone was clearly starstruck. Hopefully she could get through this without embarrassing them. Or at least her. Anyone. Hopefully no one would be embarrassed.

“Hi, Ms. Howard. I’m Y/F/N, Y/L/N. It’s nice to meet you.”

You were surprised by what greeted you inside the exam room. The cat that was bouncing around the room was less of a surprise than the woman who sat in one of the chairs against the wall. You had to stop herself from showing your surprise as you took in the blonde who you’d never heard of until about an hour ago.

Billie Dean Howard wasn’t what you’d been expecting. She was middle-aged with honey blonde hair that fell in neat curls. She was wearing a silk blouse and a skirt with heels. She was definitely the most dressed up of all of your clients today. God, she was beautiful and you had to remind yourself to not stare at her legs as you held out your hand.

The medium smiled as she reached out her own hand and shook yours. Her hand was so soft, but you counted to two before releasing it with a shake of your head.

“Nice to meet you Dr. Y/L/N. I apologize for being so late.” You smiled at the thought of what Erin had told you. It sounded like she had a hell of a time getting here. You couldn’t blame her after what she’d gone through to simply get these cats looked at.

“No need. It sounds like this one was quite the troublemaker.” You pet Bit as she wandered over to you to check you out, and you smiled as she rubbed her face on your hand.

You noticed Billie roll her eyes with a sigh and you couldn’t help but smile at what she said.

“She definitely was. That’s where her name came from after all.”

You frowned in confusion but didn’t get a chance to ask before Billie was explaining herself. She eyed you curiously as she shrugged indifferently.

“I may have called her, her name with an added ‘ch’ a couple times on the way here. Specifically, while I was chasing her around a Denny’s parking lot.”

You tried not to laugh at the ridiculous image that conjured in your brain, but it was useless. You were laughing before you could help it because honestly who wouldn’t find this elegant woman running after a cat in a parking lot hilarious.

You stifled your laughter before you cleared your throat and shot Billie a smile. “Well, it sounds like the name suits her.”

You examine each of the kittens carefully, and confirm that they are less than a week old since their eyes are still closed. They are all a little buggy from living under the deck so you deworm them and Bit so she won’t spread any parasites to them. As you explain this to Billie while applying the medication, you notice that she is shooting you an odd look. You don’t really worry too much about it because it’s probably just confusion from a too-sciency word you used.

When the kittens are all checked out and the mom is back in the box resting with them, you decide that you should figure out what happens next.

“They’ll need their mom for milk for the next month, but have you decided if you want to keep them?”

Erin leaves at this point because now that the exams are done, you’re mostly just talking. You pretend not to notice how she is reluctant to leave, and instead focus on Billie’s wide eyes as she shakes her head with a laugh.

“No, I don’t think I can keep them all. Maybe one or two. I don’t want to be known as the crazy old cat lady.”

You laugh again before moving your stethoscope off the exam table so it’s not sitting in all of the baby food you fed to Bit. “You’re definitely not old, Ms. Howard.”

You nearly slap your hand to your mouth as your eyes widen in mortification. God you did not just say that did you? You look to the blonde about to apologize, but you see her smiling at you instead. You hear her teasing tone and blush despite your best efforts at what she says in response.

“Thank you dear, but please. Call me Billie.”

You nod dumbly before you start picking off some of the black hair on your coat, only to give up after a few seconds. You’re covered and you miss the amused look Billie shoots you as you try to get back on track.

“Okay, Billie. Well once they’re old enough, you can take them to a shelter, or you can bring them here. We adopt out kittens. Our last ones actually just went home with some clients.”

It’s nearly 12:30 when you’re finished answering some of Billie’s general questions. You had an assistant find a carrier for Billie to take so she wouldn’t have to worry about Bit escaping again. You load the cats into it while Billie gets checked out at the front desk. By the time she gets back, you have only Bit left to put in.

Of course she decides she’d rather run around the room though. You ignore your growling stomach which conveniently covers up the sound of the door opening behind you as you hurry to catch the cat.

“Come here you little, Bit. You need to get in here so your mom doesn’t lose you at Denny’s again.”

Once you finally get her inside the carrier and close it with a sigh, you realize that you are being watched. You look up from where you’re kneeling on the ground to see Billie watching you from the doorway with a smile. You fight a blush as you pick up the carrier carefully before taking a step toward the door.

“Here, let me help you to your car.”

Billie shook her head. She’d already taken up a lot of your time. It was nearly 1 and most everyone else was on lunch.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that, sweetheart. I’ve already taken up too much of your time.”

Billie looked like she was going to argue, but you just stood with the carrier held in your hand with a smile. Ready to go. She sighed and your smile widened as you followed the blonde out of the building.

You nearly stop short at the pet name, the second pet name she’s used, but you recover just in time to shake your head with a smile.

“Don’t be silly. It’s not a problem.”

You arrive to her car without incident and she opens the backdoor for you. You smile before placing them in the back seat, trying not to be too nosy as you duck into her car before standing up straight again.

“You’re all set, Ms—Billie.”

Billie smiles at your save as she shuts the door behind you. You stand by awkwardly as she takes a moment to study you. She opens her mouth to say something but stops short before simply nodding.

“Thank you again. It was nice to meet you, Dr. Y/L/N.”

You blush before waving her off as you look away to hopefully save face before responding. “Y/F/N, please and you too.”

As you’re about to turn away and head back inside for some much-needed lunch when something occurs to you. You smile slightly as you dig into your pocket and grab a card to hand to her. The medium takes your business card with a smile, and her fingers brush against yours briefly. Your cheeks redden and you curse yourself when you see Billie’s smile turn into a smirk. You manage to speak up before she can and drop your hand away and into your pocket.

“My card. In case you have any questions. You can call us or email anytime.”

Billie looked over the card, realizing that it had the clinic’s number and a shared email address on it. She decided not to be deterred and shot the blushing doctor a curious look.

“So in the event of an emergency, and the clinic’s closed…what number would I call?”

You laughed nervously as you thought about your options. You could tell that Billie was flirting. You were dense, but not that dense, and you decided to take a risk. You shrugged before you dug around in your pocket once again for a pen before reaching out for the card you’d just given away.

“Well you could call the emergency clinic up the road, or you can call me. Whichever.”

Billie looks at the number that you scrawled down with a grin. “This is your personal number?”

You smirked before taking a step back toward the building hoping to retreat before you say something too dumb. “It is. To use for emergencies or whatever else.”

You smile a little wider as Billie’s face lights up and she shoots you a suggestive look. You merely laugh before turning around and heading back inside. You know she’s watching you, but you don’t turn around until you reach the door. You’re not surprised to see her still standing there watching, and you shoot her one last smile and wave before ducking back inside.

Part 2 

[boy-above]

so, in another round of marshal cries about his cats. yesterday we took bijou into the vet because we thought she had an ear infection. she's been off balance and walking in circles. the vet said they can't diagnose a middle or inner ear infection though because they don't have the equipment, so we'd need to drive a ways to a bigger place that does. this could cost anywhere from 1000 to 4000 dollars. he said her ear drums do look pink and maybe inflamed so he gave us antibiotics to give her twice a day for 6-8 weeks. we have to hope it Is a middle or inner ear infection because it could be brain damage. and i'm so afraid because they also discovered that her sight is impaired in one eye, something that to my knowledge wasn't discovered during her last check up, and something i'm genuinely ashamed i didn't realize sooner. he did a test that was basically just seeing if she blinked it something came close to her eye, and one eye responded normally while it seems like she can't see anything coming in her other eye. she said her pupil in that eye reacts to the light however, so she can only see light changes in that eye. so now that we've discovered this visual impairment im even more afraid she could have brain damage. the vet said that it will take a long time to notice progress on these antibiotics, if they even Work, and if we see no changes by the end of the antibiotic run then he suggests we drive out to get the MRI scan. 1-4000 dollars is a Lot of money for our family. and i really, Really wish that we could get a scan right now, so we could know for sure whether it's an ear infection or if it's something that could continue to get worse and worse, something that the antibiotics can't fix, because what if we waste time with the antibiotics and she continues to deteriorate?? im so fucking scared. im so sad and angry that i can't just have healthy pets. we put so much money into vet bills but thing after thing keeps happening with them, i have to wonder if im being punished and my babies are paying the price for it

[musette22]

I’m so sorry to unload on you and being anon and all, but I can’t stop crying today because I’m so scared. We took our 7 (soon to be 8) year old ragdoll cat to the vet yesterday because she has been drinking and peeing excessively for a while. We went in for a check up in december because she had also licked off all her chest and stomach hair and they tested for UTI, but found nothing. We were sent home with instructions to change her food to see if that made a difference. We went back to a brand she has been happy with for years and the fur is maybe growing back a little. But, since then she has started drinking so, so much more and peeing over twice as much as usual and I didn’t know how serious that was until I Googled it recently. She is so healthy and playful otherwise and eats normally I thought it was fine. They did blood samples and another urine sample to check for kidney disease, diabetes, cancer etc yesterday. I am almost certain it is kidney disease and probably at a pretty advanced stage and I am panicking and crying. It could mean she only has a few months left, or at best a few years I think. She was supposed to grow old!! I lost my dear father to skin cancer a few years ago and this brings back so much of those horrible feelings I’ve tried to bury. It doesn’t help that our cat who hates strangers had to be in a different room from us when they took the samples and she ended up scared and traumatized and had to be sedated. She’s still not over it today and I feel it’s only a taste of what’s to come. I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. I don’t have a lot of people who would understand how much my cat means to me I guess. The vet said the test results would take a few days to get back, but I feel I already know what they are going to say. My boyfriend agrees and he is devastated too, but handles it by keeping it inside. If I tell him how I feel it will only make him feel worse. Why do we do this to ourselves? I lost a cat as a child and said then I would never get a pet again, but here I am. I hate it! I love my cat so much, but right now all that love is just hurting me. Sorry for treating you as some kind of therapist. I use Tumblr as an escape usually and you are always so positive and kind. Do not feel obligated to answer, it is enough that I got it off my chest somehow❤️

Sweetheart, I'm so, so sorry this is happening to you and your lovely cat. It's always horrible when a pet gets sick because we can't ask them what's wrong, and we can't explain to them what's happening, or why they need to go to the vet, and it's just heartbreaking. I guess we do this to ourselves because pets and their humans just have a very special bond, which, in my opinion, can greatly enrich a human life (and the pet's life too, for that matter), which usually makes the pain of their eventual passing 'worth it', for want of a better phrase. But that doesn't mean it's easy to see them suffer, it's absolutely terrible. I wish there was something I could do to help or make you feel better, but I hope that at least getting all of this off your chest made a little bit of a difference. I'm sending all the good, healing vibes to your beautiful cat, an I truly hope that whatever is wrong with her will be treatable and that she can be with you for many years to come. Sending you so much love and hugs, hang in there, darling!❤️❤️❤️

[bomberqueen17]

cat shenanigans

so last night i let the cat out into the yard for a little bit, after dinner, because she asked politely. she’s crepuscular, she likes to creep at creeping time (that’s what we etymologize ‘crepuscular’ to in this household, that it’s about creeping), and it was normal.

but then i was sitting in the living room, not on the porch where the open door is, so I did not notice if she came back in.

Come time to go to bed, I could not tell whether she were in the house or not. We called around, made Dinner Noises, and she did not come out. We went around the yard in the dark calling to her but she did not come out.

So we went to bed with the door propped open, which we rarely ever do, but we were both so tired.

Normally I’ll wake sometime in the night and hear the cat and drag myself out of bed and go shut the door, but I didn’t hear her at any point in the night.

FInally I woke up at 3:45 and could not sleep any longer. All I could think about was the cat, and wondering where she was. So I gave up and got out of bed a bit after 4, and wandered as quietly as I could around the house, checking all the doors. No sign of her.

I went and sat on the couch and about ten minutes later she came in all purring and sat on me for a few minutes. I sniffed her fur, and it smelled of the cardboard-smell of our unfinished attic. She hadn’t been outside at all, she’d been upstairs the entire time.

Of course now I can’t go back to bed but like. What an asshole. I’m glad she’s all right

Oh, I never told the story of yesterday-- so on Wednesday we took the cat to the vet and I had to haul the mattress off our bed to get her? and I noticed there were a lot of socks under there? Dude had said he’d help me but then he clearly was not going to, so I got a broom yesterday and hauled out all the stuff under the bed, and sure enough, there were like a thousand socks under there....

and no two were the same. Yup! She had collected an enormous number of single socks under the bed.

I mean like.... an enormous number. I did not take a photo, but I should have. I collected everything into a laundry basket, took it outside, beat the lint off, and then washed it all, and it was an entire washing machine load. Of socks, plus two t-shirts, two pairs of shorts, a pair of work pants from my waitressing job in 2005, and several pairs of underpants.

Chita probably disappeared to the attic to cope with my having destroyed her best nesting spot. It serves me right.

[normallyxstrange]

Earlier this morning, I wrote a post asking for help in getting the funds to take our cat to the vet. A couple days ago, we noticed some swelling in her legs and paws and some lethargy. Isis continued to eat and drink and behave normally otherwise, but we were growing worried. We needed to get her to a vet. Money was (and is) an issue, but I was going to try to work out something with our vet. I called yesterday, but the offices were closed. Calling them first thing in the morning was my intention. Had it scribbled on a Post-it note and as a reminder in my phone too.

Sick with worry, I couldn’t sleep. So I made the post asking for help and got up to see if I couldn’t distract myself until I felt tired. I checked on Isis, but immediately knew she was already gone. I’d checked on her before I went to bed, so at some point in those couple of hours, she passed away.

This comes just three weeks after we lost Karma. We had Isis in our lives for about fourteen years, so she was an old girl. I just wish I could’ve noticed her illness in time and got her to the vet.

Thank you all for your understanding, especially to those of you who reblogged my request or sent money. I’m afraid we don’t need it any more.

It’s a sad morning.

[littlefoxluna]

Update and Storytime

SO much for an early bedtime....

I haven't been writing much because my health as been up and down (Not COVID, pre-existing conditions). So I'm lacking spoons and my social circles have been shrinking due to life, health, and COVID. I'm still here and its been rough. So most of the health issues have been migraines and chronic pain (triggered by the weather as of late). Because of the migraines, my mental health is being affected, the migraines are taking away my online social life. COVID and life changing events have my rl social circles in a bad place.

SO STORYTME!

I didn't sleep well last night (being sat night) and finally wore down enough to fall asleep sometime before Bob came home. It's before one and it wasn't that bright out from what the cracks of light showing. Damian got me up about three times over this black mouse that Rayla was playing with and he needs to find it cause it got away. Considering the hallway was still dark due to the blackout currents, a mouse could look black with its dark winter fur in that type of lighting.

I'm like "Relax and go do something to calm down. If it was a mouse, it's not going to let you find it if Ray was playing with it." after him poking me once Bob got home. ''I'm going to nap some more because my body is still drained." So I applied if you need me, come and wake me (including the rules for the door if someone knocks as a reminder) rule.  I was dozing enough to hear him moving about downstairs in the living room, kept an ear out for anything out of the normal for his sounds. Because Damian is loud and has no quiet mode about himself or his movements, sneaky rouge, he is not. I will admit there are times he is quiet, prompting me to go check in on him.

It was close to two, things changed and because it was out of character. I get up to go investigate and find him trying to tear the room apart and moving things around for this mouse, having an anxiety attack. So I calm him down and told him he couldn't do this. Explaining this would only wear him out and cause him to crash hard if he spends the day looking for this mouse.

Then Damian explains that he was worried about the mouse's safety and wants to catch it, releasing it to the wild. Me respecting my son's concern for another life, sits him down, and has the nature talk with him. I make sure his intentions are very honorable and I respect his concern for other life, I've taught him well. I'm highly proud of him. I also explained that if the issues of a mouse infestation can cause if we don't take care of it right away. No lies, but being kind and honest.

Damian didn't realize fully mice were prey animals and was saddened by this news. However, he took it really well and gave me his response to it all.

Basically, he understands predators (hawks, snakes, wild cats.) need to survive and have to kill other animals for food sources. Rayla has us and doesn't need to kill the mouse for food, so killing it and letting it go to waste was a bad thing. Of curse, I had to explain that even though Rayla has us. She still has her predatory instincts because nature still has them wired into her. So animals like birds and mice are still prey to her and she must hunt them down. She doesn't think like us.

I stayed up for a bit, helped him with his lunch. He couldn't cook what he wanted yet. Breakfast was crackers, cereal, and a corndog he has stashed away. Felt exhausted after a bit, because migraines as of late have been fun.

Laid down to gather spoons again, not soon after Bill was up and about (4pm). Still not falling fast asleep and kept an ear out, even with Bill being up. That light dozing was soon disturbed because hello loud bass, my old friend. Yup, no more trying to pull myself out of exhaustion and did all of the precautions to prevent a migraine. However, my luck wasn't playing for an estimate of an hour with weird on and off again pauses. No, no, no it lasted till nine, non-stop. So thankfully, no migraines but overstimulated senses and an anxiety-ridden child over a mouse, enhanced by the bass. So where does this leave me? Bad anxiety attack to the point of me shaking because I was overstimulated. So while Bill and I decided to order out for ease, we sat downstairs where it was much quieter.

Between 9 and 9:30 we go up, then I start helping Tea with her webcomic. Trying to resize her picture so I wouldn't lose its quality. I have the knowledge on how to do it, I don't know my software that well to risk someone's project. Tea just got her software to draw and was still learning.

At some point when Bill slipped off and before Damian's bedtime, Damian comes up and meets me at the doorway to my bedroom (hail hydrate). He looks embarrassed as fuck, holds out his hand, and goes "I've found my mouse." It was a battery pack for an x-box 360 controller.

But wait there is more......

Around midnight, I think, I get off to start getting around for bed and I forgot to tell everyone about my exploits of today/yesterday (for those considering midnight the day changer). So I quickly tell Bob, Mike, and Bill. I didn't talk to Bob too much today due to our sleeping schedules and I didn't know how much Bill overheard. So I gave today's events in a nutshell. As soon as I was done texting Mike, a mouse ran into the room and stopped, tried to run out but smacked into the wall. Thus causing the cat to jump into action, sending the mouse to do a weird path to the bed and then beelined it to the door. It managed to escape, leaving Ray thinking it was still under the bed. During the event, I got Bill's attention, and once it fled the room, trying to redirect the cat to where the mouse went off to (it failed miserably, silly humans no nothing).

I turn to Bill and go "Damian knows nothing. I'm going to go hunt down the igloo traps." For some odd reason, in this area, those traps are hard to find. We can the crocodile ones really easily. So it was an easy find, not expensive or anything. However, for 10 dollars, they had catch and release ones that were reusable.  Thinking about how upset kiddo was over killing the mouse, catch and release ones were ordered. All we had on hand was the crocodile traps and I love my cat, I really do. But Ray is a dumbass at times and I didn't want to risk a vet bill or an upset Damian.

I'm pouring a drink after all of this. All of this was at two am and before writing this, I had to relax for a bit.

[choiceenvironment]

Shorty’s Fight

Shorty is so deserving of the proper surgery to save her leg.  I feel horrible that I can not afford to provide her with it. With so many people struggling, I hate to ask for this kind of financial help, but I have no choice.  I have to try for her sake. Our local small town community has already sponsored the costs to saving her, with help from the wonderful (Strathmore Veterinarian).  The donations gave the vet enough to amputate her tail and cast her arm from a broken Radial bone. Including an anonymous donor that paid her intake. I believe it is because the town knows her, she has gone into stores, got the mail with me and all my clients love her. Since then (2 weeks ago) something has gone wrong and the Ulnar bone which had a hairline fracture has now broken fully, the only option now is amputate her front left arm for $2000 or Surgery for $4500 to save the arm. She is in a lot of pain, this breaks my heart for her and she does not deserve to suffer. I have been told by some that she is just a cat, That I should just do what ever is cheapest and/or put her down. But she is not just a regular cat, her personality captures anyone who meets her but not in the cuddly way most would think. This is my story of the most unique cat I have ever known. "Sam Shorty" 2 years ago I was looking for a small companion cat that I could bring to work at my newly opened print shop. I thought it would be great to keep the mice away, I was lonely as I worked alone and I had some struggles coping with stress. My store was opened in 2017, Since then my entire store was flooded and I lost all my inventory with no help from insurance because it was "overland flooding" - Jerks! They didn't help at all.  But my community did! Since then I lost my father, 2 brothers and covid took away my events which used to pay for my store rent.  I hosted, cooking and paint classes for kids when they were off school.  I also trained people who struggle to learn computer skills and building their own resume. I honestly needed to find a daily companion and furry friend.  My first thought was to catch or coax one of the Ferrell cats around town because I would be "giving them a better life".  So I thought. ha ha ha But the stray cats around town are pretty happy just eating the field mice and being wild and free.  No worries, just play, eat and sleep, I am almost jealous except in winter time. ha ha ha So after weeks of desperately trying to make friends with the Ferrell's I gave up and realized that all I was doing was creating Night Fights from all the food I kept leaving out. The neighbors must have loved that. ha ha ha They did keep all the outside mice away, but funny...I seemed to end up with more mice inside the store. ha ha ha Moving forward I checked online for any cats needing a home and oddly at that time frame there was none?  People even tried catching their own farm Ferrell's to no avail.  Well I was determined so I planned to go on the weekend to buy one SOMEWHERE lol, didn't know where but I was determined. Saturday morning we planned for a Sunday trip to the city.  But I was feeling really down so I prayed.  I honestly prayed to God and asked for help in sending me a cat that needs the most help. See, Although I want a companion for my sake I also want to return the favor to my friend, I want to be doing something good. 2 hours later I was cleaning up some things in the shed and my husband says "I think there is something behind the quad" Sure as shit there was a kitten!  So we ran and told my daughter to grab a can of tuna and after a few attempts I was able to quickly grab her scruff and pull her into my scarf. She fought hard but only for a few seconds, then she tucked her head into my hair and didn't move. I walked around with her for a bit and she seemed to like it.  Eventually I set her on my bed and she just stared at all of us like she was in shock.  Pretty sure she was freaking out. ha ha ha Her eyes were full of gunk, she was so badly filled with worms and she pooped all over my bedroom, my bed, but I could care less. Funny story - she even gave me worms which is very rare! The first night she was so afraid that she would only lay on the window sill.  Shorty was so stunted and small that we called her shorty.  Also because her tail was the smallest tail we had ever seen. While she was going from the window to the liter box and back up to the window sill, her litter was getting stuck to her feet and a small amount kept dropping into my bedside drinking glass. Lets not get into details, but I drank a lot of water that night. ha ha ha - I still laugh at this cause she was worth it. It took a long time to get her back to health, we thought she was dead a few times when she would not move for hours. We eventually got her fixed and with consistent food she began to grow :) and although small she is one tough kitty. I had her on a leash when we would go for walks, camping or to work.  But eventually I just felt like she missed the wild. When we were camping it poured rain one year so bad, but she did not want to leave the brush beside the fire and I realized she was hunting mice! She would be soaking wet and I would try to take her inside with me but she would get so mad, growl and kick her back paws on me.  So in return for her friendship I sat in the rain with her for hours so she could listen to the wilderness and hunt mice.  She even caught one that year but her excitement caused her to lose it and it ran away. She would stand on her back feet and sway her head like a crazy person filled with glee, she looked like a playful bear. Shorty would finally want to go to bed around 11 pm, but at the crack of dawn she would be sitting on her leash staring at me and using her "mind powers" to wake me up.  She is very polite and tries not to disturb me while I sleep.  So sweet. I decided that if I truly love her I would have to let her have her own freedom and if she loved me too, she would return home. At first when I took her off her leash, Shorty would stay with me as I gardened or worked in the yard.  But eventually she left the yard for a day and night. But she returned and before the incident she would come and go on the hour. Shorty could be dead asleep on the piano ( her favorite spot) and she would know if another cat stepped on her property.   So would we, because all of a sudden she would run upstairs to the bedroom windows, then down to the basement windows. Sometimes she would "Scobie Doo"  around the corners then race to be let out the back door. All the neighborhood cats are free out here and go as they please.  They are also bigger than her! But she puff's up, spits and kicks her back feet like she is the toughest little girl in the world. Climbing is her favorite and she always has to show me.  She will run up the tree and if I am not watching her Shorty meows at me and scratches harder on the tree. She loves to run and show off how fast she is, her favorite game with my daughters is what we call "the chase game" That's where the kids will get a foot from her and she will run to the other side of the yard and lay down.  Then she rolls and shows her tummy, so the girls walk up to pet her and when they are a foot from her she runs back to the other side. She loves it. Shorty does not cuddle, wont let strangers touch her and only comes to me "Mom" Now the sad part -  We rescued a Pitbull and have spent month retraining her as she was abused and left to freeze in the cold.  Her name is Calypso. She cowers to many things and we thought we were getting her back to normal. Her prey drive was bad, but the cat and her were beginning to play and we began lowering our guard. I never left them in a room alone together, I still always supervised just encase. But 2 weeks ago I was in court awaiting a verdict on a local exploitation of a minor case.  The judge called guilty, we cried with relief and became overwhelmed as it had been a year long uncertain battle.  By the system prevailed! AS we celebrated on the way home I got a call from my daughter, the dog had got upstairs and the cat was bleeding. I tried to keep my daughter calm and a Neighbour ran to my house to see how bad it was. When I got there, the floor had a trail of blood and a pool of blood behind the couch. But it is not the dogs fault, she is a sweet sweet dog that just wants to be loved.  The dog took to me the moment we met and her jealousy took her over along with her natural instinct. Just as the cat needs to hunt mice, the dog wants to hunt too.  It part of them and I hold no fault to either of them. We called the nearest vet who responded with "we are booked unless you want to just bring her in and put her down?" Yah we hung up on them. Then we called Strathmore Vet and while bawling I explained that I had absolutely no money, I had no idea how to get any money but I would do anything to save her. The vet worked tirelessly through the night and all the next day.  Shorty had her tail amputated, and a second time from the damage.   Luckily she had enough blood to rebuild and just a fractured radial bone.  They tried there best to cast the arm but gave me a 50/50 chance of keeping it. The last two weeks of healing, Shorty has been such a trooper.  We have been trapped in my room since but I think she knows its only so she can heal.  I have not gone to work or left her side. I thought she was getting depressed the last few days but yesterday we found out its pain, from the second bone finally giving out. Shorty deserves to keep her leg and she deserves proper care.  The feeling of not being able to provide this to her is horrible. I cant even afford the amputation. With amputation I wonder if I will ever let her back outside? There is 2 jerks on our street that always speed and with her only having 3 legs I would be too worried that someone would run her over. Most people in our town will actually stop and let a cat cross the road, we are always watching for children and the speed is basically 30 klm/hr over the entire hamlet or Carseland. This is my last resort. I have tried to phone Pet Card to get approve for a pet loan but I don't make enough.  I actually don't make anything since covid and have been operating my print shop at a loss for 6 months. My customers have been hit hard, they don't have the money to pay anymore.  Its not their fault and I have stayed close with all my clients because I truly understand what they are going through. I tried selling all my game consoles i have collected since I was 12, that didn't pan out. The stress of everything gave me shingles, so I have 4 bags of bottles to take in and I am now better so I can actually take them in, but that's not going to help her today. So I am here asking for help because Shorty deserves better and I am okay with putting myself out there for her. She really deserves a chance to keep her freedom and live the happy life she had before. Thank you so much for reading, sharing or considering helping my little girl. My love to you all Jennifer

[bee-kathony]

Fraser Memorial | Ch. 12 “Beginnings & Endings”

a/n: Thank you so much to everyone who has read this story! Sadly, this will be the last chapter (at least for a little while). I’ve got some new fics in the works and I felt it was time to wrap this one up. I hope you enjoy it and let me know what you think! 

Ch. 1 - Sutures | Ch. 2 - Maybe This Time | Ch. 3 - Movie Date | Ch. 4 - Two Pink Lines | Ch. 5 - Boss’s Boss| Ch. 6 - Grapefruits | Ch. 7 - The Stables | Ch. 8 - Bear This Pain | Ch. 9 - Spontaneity | Ch. 10 - Gifts | Ch. 11 - On Call 

One Year Later October 2017

I checked my reflection in the mirror, applying one more coat of mascara before I decided my make-up would just have to do for the evening. My dress was a simple black, that hugged every curve and line of my body. Just the way my husband liked, or so he showed me.

“Sassenach!” He called from the living room, “Are ye ready? We dinna want to be late!”

“Such an impatient man,” I fussed, grabbing my coat from the bed and slipping it on over my shoulders. Jamie was waiting for me, his arms crossed, looking down at his watch.

“I’m ready. I swear it!” I smiled and kissed him on the cheek as he turned his face to press his lips to mine.

“Don’t!” I pulled back, “You’ll mess up my lipstick and I don’t think you want to wait around for me to fix it.”

“I’d love to mess up yer lipstick, Sassenach. And that wee dress of yers too,” the color of his eyes turned into a deep blue, “but yer right, we must go.” He sighed, frowning as he settled for a kiss to my forehead and took my hand, leading me to the door.

“Are you nervous, Jamie?” I squeezed his hand as we walked to the car parked on the street.

“Aye, a wee bit.”

“Your speech will be great, I know it.” He stopped us before we climbed into the car, his hands slid down my body to rest on my hips.

“’Tis a big responsibility, bein’ an owner of a hospital.” He squeezed my sides making me jump, “With my father retiring and all, I ken it has to be me but I just worry I willna be good at it.”

Not caring about my lipstick or the stain it would leave on his lips, I pressed forward and closed our mouths together. “Jamie Fraser, you’re the bravest man I know. You’re ready for this, your father has trained you well. The past year has been in preparation for this moment. Besides…” I smirked, my hands sliding down over his arse, “I can’t wait until I can say I sleep with the boss.”

Jamie laughed and pressed his lips to mine again, “I love ye, Sassenach. Truly, I do.”

“And I you, Jamie. Now let’s go! It’s bloody freezing out here, and I need those heated seats!”

He let go of my hips and opened the passenger door for me. The entire drive over, his right hand never left mine - I squeezed it off and on, a matter of habit, to remind him I was there. I was always going to be there, I was always going to be his biggest supporter.

The tension was seeping out of his body. No normal person would have known that, but I knew James Fraser, and I knew just how big of a night this retirement gala at Fraser Memorial was going to be.

We arrived to the hospital right on time and with only one squinted eyed look from Joe, no one appeared to notice we’d almost been late. The gala was quite impressive. With decorations everywhere, the hospital cafeteria no longer resembled itself. Of course, it still needed to be in some working order, but arrangements had been made for the food to be delivered to those that needed it.

Jamie squeezed my hand tightly as he led us through the crowd of people, stopping at nearly every table to say hello to someone. There wasn’t a single person here that didn’t know Jamie. Being the son of the owner of the hospital had built up quite a reputation for Jamie, but he had come to visit me so often that at first, people just thought he was my clingy boyfriend. That all changed of course when we were married and Jamie started taking on more responsibility at the hospital in preparation for this day.

Brian Fraser was retiring from the hospital and leaving it all in Jamie’s capable hands. By no means was Brian too old and unable to work, but he wanted to spend the time he had left with his family. We walked up to the table near the front and he pulled me into a warm hug.

“Ah, Claire, tis always good to see ye.”

“You as well, Brian,” I smiled and then said hello to Ellen, Jenny and Ian who had all come for this special night.

After Brian’s and then Jamie’s speech, there would be dinner served and some dancing before the night came to an end.

“Did my brother manage to keep his wame under control?” Jenny leaned over to me as I took my seat next to her.

Jamie was talking with his father, no doubt going over some points in his speech.

“Yes,” I grimaced. “He was awful close to losing his lunch earlier today, but I gave him some peppermint tea to help calm his nerves.”

“Och, he’ll do just fine. He’s worrying over nothing,” Jenny smiled.

“The lad was born for leadership,” Ian agreed.

He was born for leadership. Jamie was born for a lot of great things. He was kind, brave, strong and extremely compassionate. As I watched him talk with his father, the way his hands moved when he talked, the slight twitch of his lip when he smiled, I was reminded why I had fallen in love so quickly with him. He put me at ease.

Over the few years we had known each other, we had barely gotten into fights and when we did, it was usually Jamie who was first to come and apologize. I knew that when Jamie was always told he was stubborn, he would disagree with that and say that I was the more stubborn one in our relationship. But no matter the argument or disagreement, Jamie always made sure that we were okay. He was my fierce protector and I was his.

I grabbed my glass of wine and took a long sip, waiting for the evening to begin.

“Still trying then?” Ellen noticed my consumption of alcohol and knowing we were trying for a baby, smiled sadly.

Nodding, I set my glass down. “Yes, I thought I might have been, but it was a false test.”

She slid her hand over mine and squeezed it, “Dinna fash, Clare. Ye’ll have bairns soon enough.”

“I sure hope so,” I smiled and then turned my attention to the small stage as Brian stepped up.

He tapped the mic, making feedback echo around the room, “Hello everyone, thank you for coming tonight. It truly means a lot to me and my family that you’re here.”

Jamie was off to the side, waiting for his turn and I saw his fingers tapping nervously on his thigh. All throughout Brian’s speech, I kept my eyes on him, begging for him to look at me, to hold my attention so that he wouldn’t be nervous. His eyes were focused on the ground, his notecards clutched tightly in his hands.

I hardly noticed Brian’s speech was over, but soon I was the only one left sitting and quickly rose to clap as Jamie then took over at the podium.

“Thank you Da,” Jamie said proudly, motioning towards Brian who took his seat next to Ellen. “Before I say a little something, I just want to thank my father for everythin’ he’s done not only for this hospital, but for me and our family.”

Ellen slid her arm over Brian’s and I thought I saw a few tears in his eyes.

“Ye’ve been the foundation for our family, Da. When Willie died, I didna ken how to keep goin’ but it was ye who helped me to find a purpose and for that I thank ye.” Jamie cleared his throat then and turned to the audience. His eyes glanced around the room before finally settling on mine — he smiled and then began.

He had the audience laughing along with his poor medical jokes and I heard a few sniffs when he told the story of his brother and how the hospital got its name. Then as he told everyone how he hoped to bring something great to this hospital, everyone stood to their feet and cheered him on, all willing to help him achieve that.

He came to me first, kissing me deeply to my embarrassment as the people around us whooped and hollered.

After he sat down, then the food was served and eaten quickly along with plenty of wine.

Thinking that Jamie was standing to go to the loo, I barely noticed his hand as he held it out to me. “Will ye dance wi’ me, Sassenach?”

“Oh,” I smiled and looked up at him before sliding my hand in his, “I’d love to Mr. Fraser.”

His hands wrapped tightly around my waist, holding me close to him and I wrapped my arms around his neck. Slowly our bodies began to sway and I kissed him. “Well done on your speech, love.”

“I have ye to thank for letting me practice it so much.”

“Too much,” I laughed. “But you really did a wonderful job, I’m very proud of you.” As I said this I felt tears spring to my eyes for all he had accomplished and would accomplish.

“Dinna cry, mo nighean,” Jamie pressed the pad of his thumb just under my eye to stop my tears.

“Sorry,” I sniffed and wound my hands in his hair at the nape of his neck. “I just love seeing you in your element.”

“Aye,” Jamie kissed the tip of my nose. “I get the same feelin’ when I see ye workin’ wi’ yer scalpels and wee needles.”

I slid my hands down his back and settled on his waist, “Here’s to you darling, on your fine achievement of becoming owner and the big time boss of this hospital.”

“Here’s to us, Sassenach,” Jamie corrected and planted a kiss on my lips. “And for everythin’ that’s ahead for us. Everythin’ that life has to offer, I’m glad I have ye by my side.”

“I love you.”

“And I you,” Jamie pulled me to him and we swayed slowly, cherishing the feeling of just being and smiling at the possibilities of the future.

May 2019

“Can you believe the twins are six months old already?” I smiled as I took a few more pictures of Malcolm and Lilidh playing with our newest housemate, Adso the kitten.

“Tis hard to believe, Sassenach. I feel like it was just yesterday that we found out ye were pregnant,” Jamie smiled and then reached for my phone to look through the pictures. Adso was a rescue that Jamie had found on his walk home from work one day. I wouldn’t let the cat in the house without proper vet checks, but once the little kitten was deemed clean, I welcomed him openly into our home.

“Who kens, maybe this time next year, they’ll have another brother or sister to play wi’.”

I gave Jamie a stern glance, rolling my eyes. “I just started to get my body back and you’re already thinking of another child. We’ve got our hands full enough with these two rascals.”

Lilidh was gentle with Adso, softly stroking his fur while Malcolm kept pulling on his tail, making him meow rather loudly.

“It doesna have to be next year then, Sassenach,” Jamie grinned playfully and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me against him on the couch. “Maybe a year and a half.”

“In your dreams Fraser,” I hit his stomach.

“Weel, if we dinna have any more bairns, I’m quite satisfied wi’ these two,” Jamie said proudly as he watched them. Their hair was growing fast now and they both were sprouting nice red curls.

“Are you?” I looked up at him.

“Aye,” Jamie brought his hand under my chin, his rough fingers pulling me to look up at him. “I have everythin’ I’ll ever need in this verra room.”

“A wife, two kids and a kitten,” I smiled. “What more could a man every ask for?”

“Ten more bairns?”

“That is completely out of the question!” I laughed and swatted at his hand. He laughed beside me and then pulled me closer, his hand sliding down over my hip. Jamie knew just what he was up to — his fingers slowly kneading my side.

“Stop it,” I said softly and tried to keep my attention on the twins.

“I’m no doin’ anythin’, Sassenach.” His fingers pressed firmly against my hip before traveling up and under my thin sweater. The pads of his fingers ghosted lightly over my bare skin and I shivered. How was it possible for him to make me feel so aroused in a matter of seconds?

I rolled my eyes and then stood up, pulling him to his feet. The twins were sitting in a playpen, with no chance of escaping and all we needed was a couple of minutes for what I had planned.

Jamie started to open his mouth in what I assumed was protest, but I yanked on his arm, pulling him to the bedroom. With the door kept partially open to hear any signs of distress, Jamie pinned me to the wall and hiked up my leg around his waist.

“Christ, Sassenach,” Jamie pressed forward, his mouth on my neck and I slid my hands between us, unzipping his pants. I had his cock in the palm of my hands in a matter of seconds and Jamie was moaning against my skin, his tongue flicking on my pulse point.

“God, I need you,” I panted and then dropped my leg so he could pull my pants down over my hips. Desperate to feel him inside of me, we didn’t bother undressing further and I had to bite down on my lip as he entered me in one quick thrust upwards.

“Mmmm,” I groaned and Jamie’s hand flew over my mouth to silence me.

“Be quiet, Sassenach,” Jamie chuckled and then grabbed my leg to wrap around his waist and began to roll his hips upwards.

I held onto his shoulders and pressed down against him, feeling him inside so deeply. I wanted him, needed him and craved him always and I also knew we needed to make this quick to return to the children.

“Touch me,” I panted and then kissed him. He gave a slight nod and then his fingers were on my slit, his thumb pressing firmly against my clit. A few more seconds of this, joined by his thrusting and I felt my climax hit me, nearly pulling me to the ground. Jamie was the one this time to cry out and I moved my hand over his mouth and he gently bit down as he came.

“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ,” I muttered whenever Jamie pulled out of me and began to tuck himself away.

“I was plannin’ on havin’ my way wi’ ye later on tonight, mo ghraidh but it seems ye couldna wait,” he smirked and then helped me zip up my pants. “Was it all that talk of bairns?”

“Shut it,” I laughed and then leaned up on my tip toes and kissed him, tugging on his collar.

“Just admit it, Fraser,” he nearly growled. “Ye want to have more bairns wi’ me.”

I nipped at his nose and then turned to walk out of the room but not before he could pull me back to him, tight against his chest.

“Fine. Maybe I do,” I said quietly. Of course I did.

“Then I plan on gettin’ in a lot of practice until we find out if yer wi’ child again,” he smirked and gave my bum a nice little pat.

“Oh do you?” I grinned and kissed his jaw.

“Aye, I do.”

“I’d like to see you try,” I flicked my tongue out against his stubble and then pulled away from his grasp quickly, returning to the twins. He joined me a moment later and I smiled at him — I’d joined the twins in their playpen, holding Adso on my lap now. Jamie grinned and then pulled out his phone, taking a few pictures before joining us. We sat there for hours, playing with our new kitten and laughing whenever the twins both tried to pull on Adso’s tail.

I loved our family, and I loved the thought of adding more children to our crazy little bunch. As the twins focused on the wee kitten, I met Jamie’s eye above them and smiled and it was like I was transported back to the day I first saw him — hobbling in with the help of Ian because he was too stupid and dislocated his arm.

Whatever he was, he was mine and I loved him and the life he had given me.

[fuck-customers]

I work at a pet hotel - mostly just with dogs, but also the occasional cat or bunny. And in general, I really do love my job! There's not a ton of customer interaction, thank god, my direct supervisor is super sweet, and when one of my favorite dogs is staying with us I literally just spend my breaks sitting in their room and petting them to de-stress. It's also in general a pretty exhausting job, because working with animals is uniquely exhausting, and occasionally we get some AWFUL dog moms, but really, I do love it.

(For context, we have a lot more tasks to do than just walking and feeding the dogs - lots and lots of cleaning cleaning, essential things to keep the hotel running, the typical booking appointment and entering charges, so much fucking paper on an outdated and needlessly complicated system that makes every task take three times as long as it should.)

My one real issue though, is that we are so understaffed right now it's not even funny. We're attached to a vet clinic, and the two doctors who own the clinic don't seem to have any real clue how many people are required to keep the hotel running. They assumed September/October would be our off season, so even though a bunch of employees quit recently, they wouldn't let my supervisor hire anyone new. They didn't consider that 1) a bunch of the employees are college students, so almost no one is available to work monday through thursday right now and 2) our clinic is in an area with a TON of retirees, who all take vacations at this time of year because the weather's nice, the prices are cheaper, and they don't have a job or kids in school to worry about. So we've been consistently busy.

But weekdays, and also sometimes on the weekend, generally only have ONE person per shift now, leading to almost all of us working overtime because we can't get everything done during our shifts, and our bosses getting mad at all the overtime hours that WOULDNT EVEN BE AN ISSUE IF THEY LET MY SUPERVISOR HIRE MORE PEOPLE. (Just at LEAST to replace the people that quit.)

My shift last night was so long and exhausting that I literally slept in past 1pm today, and normally I physically can't sleep in past 10am even if I've been up late and don't set any alarms, and my back is so sore I can hardly walk. I clocked out for my legally required lunch yesterday but then worked through it because I hadn't finished feeding the dogs, because I'd started that an hour and a half late because we had so many dogs and new check ins that it was impossible to keep up with everything, and I still ended working two and a half hours past the end of my shift.

It's not fair to the employees, but it's also not fair to the dogs. We like to take them out at least 6 times a day, for walks or playtime, or for the older dogs who don't want to have much activity, at least to pee. But with one-person shifts, it's impossible to take all the dogs out that often when we have all our other tasks to do (and when we cant leave the dogs in the yard unsupervised).

I really want to stress that I genuinely do love my job, and I don't plan to quit over this rough patch. And that I truly don't blame my supervisor for this. She's working more shifts alone than any of us, practically lives at work lately, and if she heard I'd worked through my lunch I'm certain she'd be upset because she doesn't encourage or make us break any labor laws. 

I blame the vets who own the clinic, because while I'm certain they're very good at THEIR jobs, they also seem to have very little idea of what's necessary when it comes to our jobs. They're completely out of touch with our part of the clinic.

I guess my main consolation is that they'll definitely let us hire new people before the end of November, because that's when the time they actually realize is the busy season really starts and we never have less than 3 people a shift during summer and the holidays. But really they should just let my supervisor hire more people now because the idea of training a ton of new people DURING peak season doesn't sound fun either lol.

[zandraocs-og]

This is Oliver, my sweet baby boy

A year ago yesterday morning, I was getting ready to go to school like normal. My mom had told me some time ago to look out for an orange kitten. Our neighbors across the street from us had had three cats that we essentially shared and that I grew up with. Around November-December, they texted us about an orange kitten they had seen in their backyard and told us to keep an eye out for it. Lo and behold, that morning a young looking orange cat was lying down in our old play set clubhouse. There was an opening to it towards the house because of a yellow slide that you couldn't even tell it was yellow anymore. I pointed it out to my mom and she said that if it was still there after school I could go see it.

After I got home from school that day, I found myself to be home alone. The orange cat had moved from the top of the yellow slide to the back of the clubhouse. I was so happy that it had chosen to stay. About 15 minutes later, our neighbors from before came over really quick and dropped off a Kroger sack with three canned cat food in it. I was overjoyed!!! I quickly took the sack to my kitchen and took out the three cans and set them on the counter. I picked out one that was flavored beef, thinking it best suited the cat for some reason.

It was now evening and the sun was setting. I took the food can out and opened it while walking down the back porch stairs. Forgetting how sharp can edges were, I cut my thumb on the metal. I still have a faint scare on it today. I walked over to the side of the slide and peaked through the opening of the clubhouse to see the cat. He was backed into a corner and growling at me. I cooed to him telling him that it was alright. I held the open can up in the doorway of the clubhouse to let him know that there was food. He sniffed the air and stalked closer to it. Once he realized it was food, he shoved his face into the can and began to chow down.

He eventually let me come up into my old clubhouse and sit with him as he ate. He let me pet him after he finished the can, allowing me to get a better look at him. I could see and feel his ribs, the poor guy was starving. Upon further inspection, he had a large wound on his right side and it didn't look good.

I brought my mom out to look at him a bit. She brought him another can of cat food, this time tuna, and looked at his wound. She was a pharmacist, but not a vet. She got some anti-bacteria wash, she checked and it was safe for animals, and cleaned the wound. My older brother came out and looked at him and asked what we we're to do with him. I wanted to keep him, but my mom wanted to put up posters and such to see if he was anyone's cat.

That idea didn't stick though. My mom said after one week we'd make the posters and pin them up. Then she said two weeks. Then the idea came up every now and then. After about 3 months, it was clear that no one in my house wanted to give him up.

In the first few months of me taking care of him, he was very paranoid and scared all the time. He wouldn't take more than two bites of dry food without looking up to check his surroundings. So one day, I looked at him and with every ounce of determination I had, I made him a promise.

I promised him that as long as he was with me, I wouldn't let anything harm him. That as long as he was with me, he wouldn't need to be afraid of anything.

To this day, that promise has held up. I've fed him, played with him, cleaned up after him (no matter the time of day), pet him, protected him and loved him with all my heart.

I named him Oliver after the brave kitten Oliver in the old movie "Oliver and Company". It used to be a favorite of mine, and I think the name suits him well. He has grown into an outgoing, playful, sassy little princess that my family has grown to love. I don't know where I'd be today without him.

Oh and one more thing.....

To calm him down in stressful situations, I simply play an @therealjacksepticeye video for him and he calms down after about a minute or two. We really are alike me and Oliver. I don't have a video or picture of this happening (cause I'm an idiot) but I'll try to get one the best time it happens!! Hope you enjoyed Oliver and I's story. He is now a happy pappy two year old. I couldn't have asked for a better cat!!!

[persephonesflame]

Pet death//// death///

Yesterday we took the dog for a consultation/getting his adult shots. The consultation was for his neutering plus I thought he had a weird ball. But apparently he’s a healthy boy and everything is normal and tbh if that went wrong we probably would have both had mantel breakdowns.

Two days ago the cat vomited for the first time in about a week. She was yowling in pain. For about an hour. She couldn’t stop drooling and her stomach was very bloated. She was in so much pain she lost bladder and bowel control. I wrapped her up in a towel and we sat on the couch and I rubbed her tummy to maybe receive some pressure. She purred and purred and when I let her down she went to eat and drink. So I thought okay maybe is was painful gas, she’ll be okay.

Yesterday we woke up at 4 for Devan to go to the range for work. I went to the kitchen to get his bottle to fill up for the day and saw vomit in the counter. I was scared because usually she’s on the counter like a little gargoyle. So we called out for her. And we heard weak mews from the laundry room. She’d wedged herself between the dryer and the wall. Drool hanging off her mouth she looked so confused and in pain. We scooted her out and she started screaming. Just screaming in pain. It was the worst sound I’ve ever heard. So I wrapped her up again and took her to the couch and rubbed her tummy. I could feel tiny bubbles popping under her skin. She belly was tight. She was purring. I put her down and she didn’t have any balance. She kept falling down. And howling.

We had to leave so I could drive him to the drop off area so I could have the car for the day. He was in a panic over her yowling. I drove back as quickly as I could. She was back in her corner and quietly meowing until I said her name and she just started screaming again. This went on for hours. I had to take the dog for vet. She was quiet in her corner when I left. I knew what I wanted to do at the first sound of her pain.

By some god send, as I was at the vet with the dog Devan said they cancelled the range and he could come home. His soldier friend dropped him off at the vet before our appointment and we went in and talked to them about the dog and at the end we asked about euthanasia for the cat. They closed at 11am to 2 for lunch and they said to come back at 1:40 and they’d be ready for us.

It’s 11:30 and we go back home. We’re sad but we know it’s time. We come in the door with the dog and go to find her. She poofs up and growls at the dog like she’s never seen his before. She seems terrified like she doesn’t know us. She has no balance and she can’t stand up straight. She still yowling. I get a blanket and Devan and I sit down to hold her. She purrs. I set her down and she loses bladder control again. But there’s blood in it this time. We let her rest and waste some time. She’s quiet. We’re both so scared but sure this is what’s best. She’s hurting. She’s not happy. She barely recognizes us. We can do this and she won’t hurt anymore.

We get her carrier and put a towel in the bottom. We get in the car and we’re both still trying to be strong. This is the right choice. She’s been miserable for months. She had some good weeks and we were able to spend time with her. We get there early but they’re ready. They saved a room for us so we wouldn’t have to wait behind other people. We’re so grateful. We sit in the room and I take her out of the carrier. So I can hold her while we wait for the vet. My body was so hot. This is real. This is happening. She’s skin and bones and her fur is a bit greasy. I don’t care. I hold her tight to my chest. I bury my face in her neck. I love her smell so much. Devan is crouched in front of me. Both of us holding her. She’s purring so loudly. Relaxed almost. It seems like seconds have gone by when the tech comes in. Says she needs to take her to put an IV in. I don’t want to let her go. But I let the vet take her out of my arms. The tears haven’t stopped since we walked in. I got her fur all wet. They come back in. A little white band is on her front leg. They hand me a little bag of her fur they shaved off. They lay a blanket on the table. And set her down. The tech said she was so good and purred the whole time. She still is. They say take as much time as you want, just open the door when you’re ready. She’s laying on the table. Little white band. Purring away. We’re bawling now. Barely able to see. I crouch down and get eye level with the table. I pull her head to mine so I can see her eyes. Look into those big green orbs one more time. I hold her and whisper I love you. Over and over and over. I let Devan have his time. He whispers to her. Kisses her little head. Gives her the butt scratches she loves so much. We hold her and kiss her and whisper goodbye.

He knocked on the door. And the vet came in. We can barely speak. She gives the sedative. Qbs eyes widen so much and her body relaxes. Her breathing relaxes. The vet asks us one more time, are you sure you want to go through with this. And we say it’s time. Well, Devan says it for me. I couldn’t speak. I almost said no. I lay my hand on her. The vet places the needle in the IV. and pushes slowly. So slowly. It happens in seconds. Her very last breath. It almost wasn’t real. Her eyes stopped moving. But they were wide open. She was still. So still. I could never have been ready for that. The vet pulls out her stethoscope and checks her heart. It’s stopped. It was so fast. I didn’t register. The vet tells us we can take some more time. I can’t stop crying. Devan wipes away the tears. I cover her little body. And we go to leave. I look back and I feel like I’ve been stabbed. I gasped like all the air was pulled out of my body. Looking at her still form. Devan told me not to look back. He knew I was going to panic. And in that moment, if he wasn’t there, I may have left my body. If he wasn’t there to hold me and put his hands on me, I may have floated away. Or folded to the ground. He grabbed my face and held me tight and cried into my hair. My heart felt so empty. So full. I covered her little face with the blanket and we left.

Now the house feels so empty. Even with Devan and the dog. We both keep seeing her out of the corner of our eyes. Like she’ll come around the corner at any moment. Laying in the hall. On the counter. In the laundry room. In the bathroom. On the windowsill. On the bar. On her cat tree. Almost hearing whispers of purrs over the sound of our fan. Like she’ll hop in bed in the morning with little mews. We’ve cried for so long our eyes were so red this morning. We sat in the living room for hours. Just remembering little things about her. One of us would say something we miss and we’d just start crying again. The dog keeps looking in the laundry room and in the bed room. And then he whines.

I could have never been ready for this emptiness. This sadness. This feeling like she could just be happily sitting in one of her spots. Thinking I’m seeing her out of the corner of my eye. Imaging her little meows in the night. And how this entire house has her memory engrained in it.

[marklineson]

Lost in a Loop (#02)

Kim Jongdae x Fem!Reader

You keep losing your memory every time you fall asleep. Is it possible for someone like you to live a normal life and experience a romance that lasts a lifetime?

Word Count: 5.1k

Genre: Fluff, Angst; 

Title Track: To Reach You (Memory Control, PD48)

Warning: lots of occasional swearing bc idk, they’re all stupid kids and need help with their anger management (war of hormones, otl) & a bit of violence & drinking; also lots of cringey moments;         -Rosy out;

#02 Enchanting.

- May 05th, 2018

“You're up late today, son.” Jongdae winced under the stern glance of his father, fastening his steps as he made his way through the living room, with the kitchen as his destination.

He had ended up falling asleep around 5 in the morning, and now, five hours of nightmares and uncomfortable twisting and turning later, he had decided to get up and call it a night. He was sure you had already gotten up, not remembering a letter of the conversation you'd had with him, but he was worried.

Why did she do that?, he constantly questioned himself as he poured himself the rest of the instant coffee his father had prepared for breakfast, Why did she ask me about my feelings? Is she interested in me? He felt a tiny spark of hope flare up behind his sternum, but then again it also could have just been the heat of the beverage in his cup.  

He flipped the case of his phone aside and opened said conversation, shaking a bit when he saw your profile picture next to your name.

Do you love me?

I don't know, he kept whining in his head, How am I supposed to know? I'm eighteen years old, for fuck's sake. Frustrated, he slammed the phone shut again and sat down with a bowl of cereal in hand. I must have been out of my mind when I said yes- let her reread our conversation and she'll think I'm a creep. Shit.

~

As if on cue, his father stepped into the room the moment Jongdae hat put the last bit of milk in his mouth, spoon still hanging from his lips when the bowl was snatched away from him.

“Ey! Dad!”, he exclaimed, his father gifting him with another stern look.

“It's Saturday, Jongdae.”

“I wanted to at least eat some breakfast before I meet up with the guys and-”

“Didn't you promise me to help out today because you got home late yesterday?”

Ah, true. Detention had caused him to get home late yesterday. He mentally kicked Chanyeol, but then again, his friend had gotten the worst punishment ever after school in form of his harpy girlfriend.

“So... you really want me to help out at the clinic today?” His father simply nudged his shoulder, ignoring the pout on his Jongdae's face.

“Money is earned through hard work, son- especially when it comes to part-time jobs.”

“Uh-huh”, Jongdae answered, gulping down the rest of his still hot coffee -Seriously, how long had he sat down for breakfast? Five minutes?- and got up to follow his father through the entrance area and the white door that connected the living space of the house with the vet clinic his father owned.

“So, what can I help you with? Did the supplies arrive yet?” His father blinked at him, obviously impressed, nodded and motioned for Jongdae to go outside where the packages stood. “Nice. Let me stash them away for you.”

The elder nodded, a hand on his son's shoulder before he went back into the clinic. “If you need help, you know where your good old dad is.” But Jongdae quickly sent him back inside, happy to have something to do that would occupy him.

~

I must have been out of my mind.

Jongdae wondered if he had actually hoped to be able to forget about last night, or if he had wanted to reminisce in old memories when he'd told his dad he would take care of the delivered supplies. The more he got used to his task, the wider his thoughts trailed off into the distance, and whenever he set a foot into the storage room, all he could think about were the many times the two of you used to hide in there when you played hide-and-seek with the others.

He was sure that tending to the customers as they waited inside would have been much more effective than stashing away pills and cat food.

Do you love me?

“Morning! Nice weather, isn't it?” He greeted you, making his voice sound extra cheerful. His father snickered from inside the clinic. Oh, shit.

But his face fell for a moment when he saw you simply standing there, watching him with your eyebrows up, slightly chewing on your bottom lip. Another oh, shit moment, taking into count how pretty you looked with your hair down and your white skirt swaying in the gentle breeze.

Jongdae did his best to regain his confidence by clearing his throat.

“What? Cat's got your tongue?” He laughed, mentally shitting himself when he didn't see your face lighting up.

“Oh, good... morning”, you muttered, starting to shift under his intense gaze because it made you feel awkward, “I just didn't know we were... close enough to greet each other in public.”

Ouch.

“Of- of course we are, we're classmates. We should always greet each other, in and out of school!”

You mustered him up and down, making him feel like he shrunk down to bite-size under your earnest expression. “...I see. Well, are we done here? Since we greeted each other?” He released a sigh that fit his deflated expression and merely nodded, seeing you smile at him with a slight bow and starting to walk on, when-

“Please- wait, there's actually something I gotta ask-” Jongdae was relieved when you turned around on your heels and blinked at him, the edges of your mouth rising once more. He felt his stomach twist as the heat crept up his cheeks, unstoppable and cruel.

Do you love me?

It's either that or the sun's finally getting the best of me.

~

“You should have told me about the project for chemistry earlier! I could have grabbed my books and made my way here right away.” You exclaimed as Jongdae's father handed you a glass of juice, ice cubes clinking gently when you took a sip. “Chemistry is important to you, isn't it? Only if you still want to become a scientist in the future, that is.”

Jongdae nearly choked on a cube he was chewing on when he realized you had actually memorized a fact that was related to him, but his hopes where crushed right away when you mentioned you had skipped through your last year book because you had gotten curious about your friends' wishes for the future and had read about him there as well.

“I...”

He scratched his neck, obviously thinking of a smart remark he could surprise you with, when the voice of his dad came to his rescue.

“...So, Y/N, how is Nemo doing these days?” Mr. Kim directed his curious eyes at you while filling his own glass. “I haven't seen him strolling around our house for a while now.”

“I actually thought of paying you a visit with him today- he hasn't been eating at all today, but my  mom said he's never been that much of an eater, so it might be the weather?”

Jongdae furrowed his eyebrows, clearly remembering you telling Yeri about Nemo gobbling down a whole bowl of cat food within a minute. He also remembered you asking your mom for your allowance in advance because you had to buy him more food, and when she said no, you had begged Jongdae to gift you with cat food for your birthday four years ago.

“Well, Nemo's about 15 years old, after all. It could be the weather, or it could be that he's just becoming more lazy as he becomes older, but maybe you should bring him here regardless of that- you were supposed to come here for his yearly check-up in June, anyway.”

You nodded at that, visibly happy to have such a great vet to take care of Nemo, your furry best friend. “I'll try to pay you a visit with him on Monday, then.”

Jongdae, who had been getting more or less lost in his memories, his gaze fixated on your beaming face, shrinked a little when you suddenly directed your attention at him again.

“So, do you want to start with the chemistry project right away? I could go home and get my things for-”

Yes. Yes- Say yes for god's sake! An unknwon voice kept screaming in his head, screaming at him to give in to what seemed like his chance to spend some time alone with you, but the feeling of his heart thumping so fast that it seemed to be about to burst caused him to do otherwise.

“I, eh- Sorry, but I already have plans for today.” Jongdae was sure of his mind playing tricks on him, because, for a mere second, he thought he'd seen your face fall- but he was sure he'd been wrong when you smiled at him and his dad as you got up- obviously, you were getting ready to leave.

“In that case, I'll be on my way to the grocery store. It was nice to chat with the two of you- Mr. Kim, Jongdae.” You waved at them before grabbing your bag and exiting the back of their clinic.

Jongdae's gaze followed your swaying hair when he was suddenly nudged by his father, making him groan. “Dad-”

“I already told you when you were ten and I know it made you cry, but I'll disown you if you don't make her my in-law, Jongdae.”

Blushing, Jongdae got up, his dad handing him some money before he practically ran out to follow you.

~

“Didn't you say you were a bit short on time because you had plans today?” You eyed him curiously, raising your eyebrows a bit at the large smile that had been plastered on his face ever since he'd managed to take you to this ice cream parlor a few minutes away from the grocery store.

“Yeah, I mean, I don't think we'd have had enough time to finish the project today because of that.”

“Who are you meeting up with, by the way?” Jongdae took his time before answering, his mind fully captivated by the redness that was crawling up your neck and, finally, cheeks, or the sight of you fumbling with the hem of your dress to avoid eye contact.

“I'm... going to meet the guys- Chanyeol, Baekhyun, and a few others you might not really know.”

“Oh. I see... like a guys' night out?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Not really- Y-you could even tag along if you want. There will be other girls you could chat or play with.”

Something in your chest stirred, causing you to look anything but pleased.

He had known. He'd noticed how perfect -well, regarding your actual relationship- everything had been going today. He'd been seeing you in town on your own a few times, greeting you and sometimes even chatting with you, but sooner or later, there'd always been something -someone- to distract you and pull you away from him. Today had been the day, and he wouldn’t have been Kim Jongdae if he hadn’t known how to ruin it for himself.

“What's up?” The burning sensation of his palm on your shoulder made you stop mid-action, your eyes darting upwards to meet his. Jongdae felt somewhat intimidated by the expression you were now gazing at him with, but it didn't make him feel uncomfortable at all. It was the first time in two years, he realized. The first time ever since his birthday two years ago, ever since you’d caused him to think you were feeling the way he did

Why did I even answer you? I should have apologized, nothing more. Stop getting so sentimental, Jongdae.

“I don't know if I should be honest with you, Kim Jongdae.” Your eyes darted back to the floor, head shaking merely as if to support your thoughts, negativities he wasn't supposed to hear. “I don't know if I should really trust you that far-” His breath got stuck somewhere between his nose and his lungs when you suddenly grabbed one of his hands with yours, and gosh, were they small. And soft. Jongdae would have bet on them even smelling good-

“But despite everything my friends keep telling me, despite everything that's written about you in my diary, I feel like I want to trust you.”

“You...” He barely withstood the urge to hold on to your hand, but he managed to gently push it away in the end. “I don't think you should be trusting someone like me, Y/N.”

“My diary says so, too- but somehow, meeting you like this made me feel otherwise.”

The boy scowled. He’d thought he’d heard wrong before, but- “Your... diary?”

You blushed, but went on either way. “Yes, well, it's rather something like a notebook I use to keep up with the most important details of my daily life. To remember the things I... I forget about.” It was weird for you to talk about something so... private, but it also felt good to have someone listen and you had to admit that, different from what your diary had said, Jongdae seemed to be a nice person- and a great listener. “I wonder what my friends would do if they saw me opening up to you that much.” You laughed a little, but stopped when you saw Jongdae's face darken.

“I'm sure they already would have pulled you away from me, just like they always do.” It was your time to furrow your brows. “They seem to think I'm a bad influence for someone like you- and they may be right, I don't know.”

“What makes you think that?” You wondered what he -someone like Jongdae- could have done to be pushed away by your small group of friends, who were both also kind and caring enough to take someone like you in. Instead of eagerly reaching for his hand, you grabbed the string of your bag for something like... an anchor in the midth of the mess that was your head. “Did something happen between our friends? You and one of the girls-”, you paused, taking a deep breath to calm your own nerves-” or even us?”

Jongdae felt your eagerness giving him goosebumps. Despite whatever he had thought before, he was sure that something deep, deep inside of you wanted to get close to him again- and seeing how you were seemingly pulled to him made him feel indescribably soft. Like the matching poles of two magnets someone kept pulling apart. He could practically feel his heart swell with every word of honesty you spoke- because lying, he guessed, was something you were not capable of. “I... Honestly, I don't know.”

He didn't want to risk hurting you by accidentally making you try to remember anything about yourself too much, but he had to admit he was just as curious as you. He still remembered the last day the two of you hung out freely, the last day he had made you laugh and carried your backpack. He had thought about it over and over again, but had never managed to find a reason for you to leave his side when he had thought that you'd -eventually, if only the heavens had been on his side-

felt just like him. “We stopped being close two years ago. Believe it or not, but I have no idea why.”

He saw your face fall, shoulders hanging, and it took him all of his self-discipline not to step up to you and engulf you in a hug. He could have easily done so, maybe you even wanted him to- and yet, he would have felt as if he was taking advantage of your situation. Jongdae was no coward (just sometimes, he secretly was), but taking your situation into count, he still wanted to leave the first steps of whatever the two of you were heading up to to you. He had been used to matching up to your pace, and he had promised himself he would never throw himself right at you (unless you wanted him to, and heck, how often did he catch himself thinking back to the old times, where you'd tug on his shirt for a hug)- he wanted to give you the space and time you needed to get used to him again, no matter how long it'd take.

So instead of getting closer, he shifted around awkwardly, his shoes causing the earth beneath them to scrunch a little. He nodded over to the parlor you’d been sitting next to for the time being. “So... you wanna go get some ice cream?”

But all you could do was shake your head. “I'm not sure if I'm still in the mood for ice cream...”

Jongdae bit his lip, this time unable to hold his hand back as it reached out to you on its own, a gentle pat on your back causing you to smile. “We could share? Eating something delicious may brighten your mood. What's your favourite flavour?”

You smiled at him, and his heart skipped a beat.

How could you not feel happier again, when Jongdae was trying so hard to cheer you up?

~

“You want to know about... what?”

You patiently waited while Yerim and Sooyoung looked at each other as if you'd just told them you'd move away tomorrow and never come back.

“I don't think there's anything worth knowing, sweetheart.” But Yerim's furrowed brows told you otherwise.

“I would like to know what happened between me and Jongdae”, you started, casually sipping on your shaken sweet tea. “ Something must have happened. I feel like we'd be much closer if it didn't- and he said he's clueless himself.”

You saw your friends scoffing in unision.  “He's what?!” Sooyoung slammed her hands on the table, half of the customers in the small café you'd met up in looking at her in shock. “He's a fucking idiot, Y/N, a fucking idiot! He's just as evil as his friends are!-”

“When did you even talk to him?”, Yerim asked as she yanked Sooyoung's butt back into her seat.

“Today. We met in front of his house and spontaneously went for ice cream.” You tried your hardest not to smile, but the glow on your face was impossible to hide. “I thought that if anyone would know, it should either be you or his friends.”

“Sweetie...” Yerim took your hands and gently pressed them while Sooyoung huffed and threw her head back, cheeks puffed in anger and frustration. “You know, it's not like we don't know about your feelings for Jongdae, but...”

“Yeri, stop. I don't want her to get close to these three pieces of garbage ever again. I gave Chanyeol another chance, and you saw what he made of it-”

“Why is this about you again, Sooyoung? Does each and every conversation have to revolve around you and that wanna-be-punk?”

“He's not- I mean, of course not”, the taller girl exclaimed, irritation washing over her face and revealing her inner state. “You know that all I want is to protect our friend from getting her heart broken over and over again- Park, Byun, Kim, they’re all the same kind of idiots. Insensitive, unbelievably mean and-”

“Girls, girls, girls- I fucking love him! ”, you threw in, both of your friends now looking at you, eyes wide and mouths agape. “This is my life, after all. I am a part of this group. I feel like I have every right to know about whatever happened between all of us.”

“It’s all in the past, sweetie, we should all calm down and think about what’s ahead of us, I guess”, Yeri patted your hand while Sooyoung raised her hand to order another round of tea and coffee for the three of you, but even the sugar-coated cookies she demanded as well could distract you.

“Sooyoung. Yeri. Please. You know me- my past, my future, everything’s unknown to me. The two of you are my number one source for everything that’s happened to me in the past years. What do you think I should do if even the two of you stop backing me up? What should I do with my future if I don’t even know who I am because my past is nothing but blurry?” Ugh, how you hated it to play that card- but it seemed to work just fine. 

“Sooyoung, I read about your break-up. Heck, I don’t even know how to comfort you because I barely even know what it’s like to love someone, to be loved, or to be broken up with and miss someone- I want that, too, no matter the outcome.” You leaned over to them, a pleading look on your face. You felt like crying, andeventually, it showed- because even if you had just started to act like a kicked puppy to convince them, it was true. You were scared of your future- but what scared you the most was spending your present without living. You still wanted to go out and have fun, live and love like everyone else. You were convinced that even for someone like you, romance was a possibility as long as your partner was someone who cared. Someone who tried- someone like him, you added in your head.

Just this once, please.

You saw the two of them exchanging glances, with Yeri biting her lip and Sooyoung blinking a tad bit too fast, trying to hide her watery eyes. “Fine, but... please don't swear again. Sooyoung's rubbing off on you way too much.”

“Stop babying me, Yeri. You're younger than me!” 

“Who cares about two months-” Sooyoung interrupting her by smacking the blonde's head made you crack up.

“What did you just say? I didn't hear you, Kim Yerim, I guess your bad hearing's rubbing off on me!”

~

Jongdae's mind was a freaking mess. With the memories of the past years and today all mixed together, the moments of tension that had practically drained him, he didn't even feel like attending Baekhyun's small party anymore- he would've rather spent time alone to think, to remember.

But he'd promised after all, and he had also said yes to band practice being set up for today due to the detention he'd gotten because Chanyeol'd behaved like a fucking caveman in class. He smiled, eyes crinkling in delight. He was reall walking through heaven and hell with that boy, but he was living for it- they were friends, after all.

“Yo, guys! It's me!”, he exclaimed as he opened the door to the small wooden hut in the Byuns' backyard, “What's going on?”

The guys immediately handed him a can of beer -Baekhyun's dad was a seemingly sad example of a single father, allowing the boys to drink at home to “man up” (when in reality, he rather had them drink at home than somewhere else, but how uncool did that sound)- and immediately discussed which song to play as an opening for tonights party and some new stuff Chanyeol had come up with, when Baekhyun put an arm around Jongdae's shoulders and slomped down next to him on the old, red leather sofa that had been a part of the Byuns' livingroom until three years ago, when Baekhyun had somehow managed to burn a butt-sized hole into one of the seats.

“I guess something good happened today? You're pretty much thrilled up today!” Jongdae sent a silent toast to his two friends and emptied his can before speaking.

“Well, you could say so. Nice weather-”

“-nice skirt, you mean.” Chanyeol took a seat in a blue armchair opposite to them. Baekhyun eyed them curiously, while Jongdae tried to hide in the collar of his shirt, immediately getting the hint.

“Your date was wearing a nice skirt today- a bit too long for my taste, but you've always been the conservative one here- Ey!”, the giant exclaimed when Jongdae's beer can collided with his head.

“Date? You were on a date?! Why didn't you tell us you had a girl wrapped around your little finger? Who is it? Spill the tea already!!” Baekhyun nudged Jongdae's side, obviously proud of his buddy.

Jongdae opened his mouth to speak, but before he could make sure that whatever answer he was going to give seemed solid, Chanyeol rolled his eyes and, holding his head, added “Naw, just kidding. I saw him in town with Brainy. They were eating ice cream. Should've seen them, Dae was so much into acting all lovey-dovey and sharing with her, I thought he was going to feed her at any moment- AH!” He tried to hold back his laughter, but failed miserably and ended up stubbing his toe at the coffee table.

“Serves you right!”, Jongdae happily yelled, before turning around to get some nice comment out of Baekhyun. “Doesn't it- hey, what's up? Someone stole your tongue?” He furrowed his eyebrows, repeating his friend's past action and nudging his shoulder playfully- but all he got was Baekhyun shoving him away and off the sofa. “Ey, what the fuck was that for?!”

“So, you're seeing her now?”, Baekhyun growled, head hanging low enough for his bangs to hide his face. “You're seeing each other? You're finally dating that sad excuse of a bitch-  Fine, congratulations.” He made an attempt to get up and walk over to his keyboard, but Jongdae was faster- he jumped up from his position on the floor and pushed Baekhyun back to the couch, making him trip over his own feet and causing him to fall backwards with his back hitting the leather first. “Jongdae, what the fuck?!”

“What's your fucking problem?”, Jongdae yelled, throwing his hands up in the air to express his irritation, but also ready for a possible fight. “I told-”

“-I think I should be the one asking you two just that”, Chanyeol threw in, getting between the two smaller guys to prevent any more damage. “Jongdae, lower your fucking butt and then talk it out!”, he shouted, causing the other two to shut up for a moment and get back to their senses, realizing he had usually been the one they had to calm down and aid him with his anger management.

“I definitely didn't intend to make the two of you scratch each others' eyes out when I made that stupid joke.”

Jongdae huffed once, twice, and eventually a third time before laying his eyes upon Baekhyun again. “So? I'm waiting for your answer, dumbass.”

“What's there to wait for? I already wished you well, asshole.” Baekhyun wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, facial expression still falling a mile a minute. “I hope you and that annoying little piece of crap will live well and experience your happy ever after.”

“What reason do you have to treat her like that? I remember you telling us you liked her, Baek!  Whenever you talk about her now, it's like you've become a whole different person! Did some kind of ghost get a hold of you and tell you to treat her like shit from one day to another? Or-”

“That's the fucking problem, you dumbass!” Chanyeol grabbed his chest in surprise, as Jongdae stayed unfaced by their friend getting up and slamming his hands flat on the table, their bottles jumping in unision.

“To be honest”, Baekhyun's voiced seemed forced and compressed, as if he tried his best to withstand the urge to talk, “I... like Y/N.”

Silence.

It was a weird, maybe even comical moment, with the rapid exchange of eye contact between Chanyeol and Jongdae, the latter feeling the hair in his neck standing up one after another, while Baekhyun shifted in his seat as if his blonde friend was a bomb that was about to explode. Unexpectedly, Chanyeol was the first one to regain his ability to speak.

“You what?”

“It's true. I've been in love with her for about... four years now”, Baekhyun started, elbows now resting on his knees, his face hidden in his hands to hide the embarrassment that started to show on his face.

“I... never knew”, Chanyeol mumbled, something like awe showing on his face, but he was too scared to drag things into a humorous direction just now. He'd never seen his friends in such a dead-serious moment, though he somewhat felt like this was all part of either a hidden camera prank, or some kind of cheesy romance novel.

“Well, me neither”, Jongdae growled, too overwhelmed by his own feelings of Baekhyun suddenly stepping up as a potential rival in a fight for your heart (though it was very unlikely that Yerim or Sooyoung would let you get close to any of them after what happened).

When Baekhyun realized his friends had nothing else to add, he continued, keeping his face low as he shifted awkwardly on the old red sofa beneath his butt. “I thought that, if I kept humiliating her, I would at some point start to believe in my own words, that I would like her less, maybe even dislike her someday- be able to let go and move on- but it's not that easy.” His gaze shifted to Jongdae, who was still furious, his whole body shaking from anger and irritation. “Whenever I hurt her, I saw your eyes, the sadness it pushed you into- and I knew that, while my head told me to stop this, my heart had made the right choice. She may be weird, but if someone like you falls for her, Y/N must be one hell of a girl- a rare catch, like a diamond.”

With his gaze still resting upon Jongdae, he missed the way Chanyeol furrowed his eyebrows and mouthed something along the line what the fuck?, falling into a trance as he slowly started to realize the direction this was taking.

“After a while, I noticed I like it when she cries or shies away from me- it's cute, but-”

“-Wow, you're one fucking asshole.”

Baekhyun sighed and nodded, eyes carrying a small glint of sadness. “True, Dae, I was going to say exactly that. I'm an asshole for making her feel so down, and I possibly hate myself the most for it- but I'm also your friend, and so I decided to start over. I promise I'll behave-”

Chanyeol regretted only waking up from his trance the second he heard the crack caused by Jongdae's fist hitting Baekhyun's nose with full force.

Back to the LiaL Masterpost || Chapter 3

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