#we’ve all (intentionally or not) been hurt and we’ve all (intentionally or not) hurt others

[starbuck]

as fun as it is to study characters under a microscope and figure out every little thing that’s wrong with them and why, i appreciate media where characters are like 30% self-aware at best and getting to that point costs them EVERYTHING.

[gay-dorito-dust]

deadpool getting jealous when you’re giving wolfie too much attention in a poly relationship!!! 🙏

‘Wade. Stop pouting.’ Logan grunted from against your neck, eyes closed shut as he tried to focus back on you and tightened his grip on your waist.

‘And how the fuck do you know I’m pouting! You’ve got your eyes closed!’ Wade exclaimed, pouting from the other side of the room, watching on in jealously as you continued to shower Logan with more affection.

‘I don’t need to open my eyes to know your pouting dipshit.’ Logan growled but his temperament was easily faltered when he felt you run your hand through his hair and scraping at his scalp deliciously, you almost swore you heard the gruff Logan Howlett purr like a domesticated cat.

‘Wade what’s wrong? You’ve been like this all week and when I go to kiss you or anything, you completely brush me off.’ You said as you looked over at him in his ridiculous pink unicorn pyjamas with matching slippers, squeezing his unicorn plushie tighter and tighter that you swore the poor thing was going to pop. You didn’t like it when either of your partners was upset or angry, they’ve been down those roads before and all you wanted was to love them as much as you can while you can; however you couldn’t do that if one of your partners was too stubborn to tell you what was wrong.

Thankfully after a total record of fifteen minutes of sighing and huffing, Wade looks over at you with the most dramatic pout on his lips. ‘Fine since my gorgeous, fantastic, sexy, hot pookie insists that I tell them what’s wrong, I’ll shall.’ He then takes a deep breath and points to the half asleep Logan cuddled up against you. ‘You have been giving lumberjack over there far too much attention lately Where’s my affection because I don’t see it! I’m being neglected! I want to be cuddled! where’s my cuddles!’ You couldn’t help but chuckle at Wade’s outburst, which only made him pout harder as he showed you his back which had a massive cartoon unicorn rearing on its back legs.

‘Great now my sexy, cool, gorgeously handsome partner is laughing at my pain, I must truly be in hell.’ He mutters to himself as he burrows his head into his arms, only then did your laughter subsided as finally spoke. ‘Don’t be like that, you know I love you and Logan equally.’ You tell him, only to hear him scoff, which made your heart hurt a little, before you the. patted the spare space of the couch with your hand, wanting to make it up to your boyfriend. ‘Stop it with the pouting and get your fine ass on over here handsome, we’ve got room for one more…if you want it that is. I’m not forcing-‘

Before you could finish your sentence, Wade bolted from his spot across the room, and clung onto your other side as he nuzzled his head against your chest, his arms latching onto you waist just beneath Logan’s own arms. ‘Thought you’d never ask sweet cheeks!’ Wade replied as he peppered kisses across your collar bones, causing your to giggle as you ran your free hand up and down his back soothingly, now feeling happy and content with both men that you love dearly being cuddled up on either side of you.

‘Good. I don’t want you to ever think I don’t love either of you because I do.’ You said as you kissed both Wade and Logan on their foreheads, noses and finally their lips as Logan sluggishly reciprocated his kiss in due to being half asleep, just as Wade almost devoured you eagerly with his own kiss.

‘I think we both know that very well peanut, and we love you all the more for it.’ Wade uttered softly as he made himself comfortable against your side, feeling his eyelids grow heavier. Wade knee you’d never made him feel jealous, not intentionally nor accidentally, but sometimes he felt a little lost whenever you spent just a small fraction more time with Logan over him. He just wants so time with you too! And so now as he burrows his head under your chin, ready to drift off, he couldn’t help but reach a hand over to squeeze Logan’s firm ass; only to find that he was one step ahead of him and quickly gripped his wrist.

‘I wouldn’t think about it bub.’ Logan murmured.

‘How is he doing that with his eyes closed.’ Wade whispered to you as you both looked at Logan as he dropped wade’s hand.

‘It’s a mystery we’ll never find out sweetheart.’ You replied as you kissed Wade on the forehead, giving his ass a little pat and a loving squeeze. You knew Wade expresses his affection in rather bold ways but only did so as long as it alright with you and Logan. He didn’t want to put you out of your comfort zone to accommodate him but you weren’t so easily fazed by his actions, not when you have been friends with him as long as you have been partners. So needless to say it wasn’t at all surprising when you suddenly picked up Wade’s tendency to squeeze and or slap your partners asses affectionately.

Much to Logan’s dismay no less but he took it in stride for your sake and occasionally Wade’s but mainly yours.

‘The author must’ve gotten pretty lazy or had a brain fart if this is how the fanfic ends.’ Wade yawns, ‘i could’ve done a far better job that’s for sure.’ He adds before falling asleep. meanwhile you stayed up wondering who the fuck this ‘author’ he was on about, and what did he mean by ‘fanfic?’

[flemingsfreckles]

Physio’s Daughter Pt 8

Read the other 7 parts HERE

Warnings: cursing, suggestions to sex, mentions of throwing up, that should be it!

WC: 4.8k

A/N: hello 👋

“Really? You still have interest?” Jessie looks baffled, her eyes wide with raised eyebrows.

“Oh don’t act so surprised, you saw me staring earlier.”

“Yeah I did.” She smiles, thinking back to how she had intentionally wiped her forehead while facing in your direction. She was more than pleased with herself when she put back down her shirt to see you had been watching.

“Look, you said terrible things, and if anything even remotely close to that happens again, I will never speak to you again. But Jessie I really like you. I want to give you a second chance even though maybe I shouldn’t but I’d like to believe what you and Janine both said is true. This isn’t your typical behavior, you’re just under a lot of pressure.”

“I promise I’m not usually like this.”

“I know, that’s why I like you. But that’s also why this is so frustrating and why the other night hurt me so much. I know you’re not usually like this, I know how kind and caring and sweet you are. And if it wasn’t for all this, the fact that we work together, in this dynamic, I would’ve asked you out on a proper date weeks ago.” It’s true, if you haven’t worked with her, if you’d met her at school, at a cafe, just walking down the street, you would’ve already taken her out. You would’ve asked her on dates, but you couldn’t, not when you worked together.

“Then fuck all this,” she gestures to the room and the Canada logo on her own training top. “Just ask anyway.”

“I don’t want to get you or myself in trouble.” You look at the logo on her shirt, it wasn’t that easy to just say fuck it to the team, the team Jessie had represented since she was 15.

“We can talk to whoever we need to.” She spits out.

“Oh be for real Jessie we haven’t even gone on a date, we don’t need to be in Helen’s office signing paperwork already.” You give her a smile, it was nice she was willing to talk to Helen but a little too early.

A smile breaks on Jessie’s face. “Okay, maybe that was a little premature.” The smile from her face fades as she speaks again. “So, maybe we go with the original plan? Wait until these games are over, see where we’re at?”

You nod in agreement. “But for now, coworkers.”

“Coworkers.” Jessie repeats looking at you before a mischievous smile comes across her face.

“What?” You ask, somewhat afraid of what her answer might be.

“This is I think the third time we’ve agreed to be coworkers.” She scoffs.

“No, this time I’m serious.” You do your best to give her a stern look.

“You said that last time.” She laughs

“Shut up.” You can’t help but laugh with her, you two were terrible at being coworkers.

“At least it’s only a few more days and one more game.” She says softly after she’s done giggling.

“Only one more game.”

You quickly found yourself getting ready for that final game. The reality that you were helping prep players for an Olympic gold medal match had you a little extra nervous. Canada was taking on Spain. Reigning World Cup Champions Spain.

The first 90’ minutes of the game felt like they went by in a blink. When the whistle blew the score remained 0-0. Both teams had good shots, both keepers making impressive saves.

The extra time came and went as well and suddenly you felt like you were back a few days ago.

Penalties. Again.

You watch the first few players step up. Julia makes her penalty 1-0, a Spain player makes her’s as well, 1-1. Feeling overwhelmed, you stare at the ground for the next few players. You watch your feet, you don’t even need to watch. You can hear the silence followed by the kick and you get the answer on save or miss through the reactions of the staff standing next to you. Chloe misses, 1-1, Spain makes theirs 1-2, Jordyn makes it 2-2, a player from Spain misses 2-2, Ashley makes her kick, and the Spanish player misses wide, 3-2.

You feel a quick pinch at your side where your Mom’s hand was resting around your waist. You look up to her and she subtly nods toward the field. You turn and watch as Jessie picks up the ball. You can practically feel the air get sucked out of your lungs. She was taking Canada’s fifth and final kick. If she makes it, it’s over. If she misses, Spain has the chance to tie.

You watch her meticulously place the ball, adjusting it a few times. Once she’s satisfied with the ball, she takes three steps back, and looks down, closing her eyes for a moment. You held your breath, beginning to subconsciously time how long she was waiting. You started to panic, feeling like you could puke, it felt like she was waiting too long again, or maybe it just felt like time had frozen. Jessie opened her eyes, and began her approach. She kicked it and you watched as the ball slammed against the back of the net.

You’re practically yanked onto the field by those around you, you’re not even sure where you were running besides the mass of red and white in front of you. You end up in the mob of bodies, receiving random hugs from whoever was around you. You kept your eyes scanning hoping to find Jessie, her height not helping her stand out. You also know she’s likely in the middle of the mass of her teammates, scoring the winning penalty.

As the initial celebration dies down, the players begin to spread out. Some find their families in the crowd, others moving to sit and soak in the moment. You keep your eyes scanning, hoping to find the girl with the armband.

While you’re busy spinning in circles looking for her, someone grabs your hand from behind.

“Come here.” The captain had found you before you could find her. Jessie grabs your hand, pulling you out and away from the crowd. The two of you move over to the side of the pitch, not far off from her teammates but enough to be in your own space. She turns you toward her, dropping your hand.

“I thought about you.” She says, tears in her eyes, her hands holding your face between them, her thumbs gently rubbing your cheeks. “I thought about you when I took that kick. You were my calm person.”

“I almost threw up.” You admit to her.

“What?” Jessie says, a mix of concern and a smile across her face. Her hands are still on your cheeks.

“I was so nervous watching you kick.”

“Oh.” She laughs. “You’re the reason I wasn’t nervous.” You’re grateful Jessie was able to quickly move past the fact that you had almost thrown up from nerves, embarrassed that you even said it to her.

“Congratulations, you deserve it Jessie.” You say, finally getting out the words you prepared and meant to say when you first saw her.

“I wouldn’t have been here without you, you deserve this too.” Her eyes are still locked with yours. You both stand listening to the rest of the team celebrate behind you. You both break eye contact hearing some screaming getting louder.

“Wooooooooo” you watch as Janine goes running by, a flag in one hand and a bottle of champagne in the other hand with Jordyn and Julia following shortly behind her yelling to give them back the bottle. You watch as Jessie rolls her eyes at her teammate’s behavior. You both turn back toward each other. This time Jessie’s eyes move down to your lips, then to your eyes and back to your lips. She moves her head slightly toward you.

“Jessie.” You warn her, you don’t want her to stop but you want to remind her that you’re both standing in a packed stadium with hundreds of cameras taking photos.

“Who cares.” She whispers before she starts to lean in again. You start to close your own eyes, not leaning in, wanting this to be her choice to kiss you in front of her team, her coaches, her family that was likely here.

“Congratulations Jessie.” You hear a voice you know all too well to the side of you. One of your Mom’s hands coming down on your shoulder while the other comes down on Jessie’s shoulder. You feel a slight push back on you, breaking up how close you and Jessie were.

Jessie’s hands fall from your face as she turns to look at your Mom.

“Oh, um, thank you, hey congratulations to you too, none of us would be here without all your hard work.”

“Thank you Jessie, assuming you were just thanking my daughter as well?” Your Mom gives you a quick glance, you know she’s teasing both of you, Jessie doesn’t get the message, trying to explain herself.

“Yeah, of course. I mean, she’s been great, um obviously, with my injury of course, my calf, she helped me a lot. I was thanking her for all that.” The way Jessie starts to stutter, tripping over her words as she tries to subtly deny the fact that she was about to kiss you, it was cute. You’re sure if she wasn’t already red in the face from playing, her cheeks would be from embarrassment.

“Hey if I don’t see you again before you players go out tonight, be safe, look out for each other.”

“We will.” Jessie assures your Mom before she walks away leaving you two again.

“She really has impeccable timing doesn’t she.” Jessie looks at you.

“She does.” You say before muttering “cockblock” under your breath only it comes out a little bit louder than you expected.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

You both stand for a second, your chance to kiss clearly over as you’ve both been brought back to reality of standing in the stadium, Jessie’s teammates still running around. You watch as she scans the crowd before her head stops moving and she waves.

“There’s my family.” She points in the direction she waved in and you see a small group of people waving back at her.

“Go.” You shove her in their direction and she looks at you giving you one last smile before taking off running in their direction. You watch her, looking at the back of her jersey as she runs away to be pulled into a group hug. You turn back to go find the rest of the staff, giving your congratulations to whoever you passed in a Canada shirt as they did the same back to you.

The stadium is soon only filled with a sea of red, the Spain supporters leaving. The podiums are brought out at you watch as they begin to set up for the medal ceremony.

The team is quickly ushered back into the changing rooms put on their designated podium outfits. They quickly come back out, lining up to step up and receive their medals.

You stand off to the side, watching as France steps onto the bronze medal platform, followed by Spain. And then you watch as the Canadian team steps up. You can’t help but feel tears in your eyes, watching the girls that you’ve been working with for countless days helping at training, at matches, helping them stretch on the bus or in a hotel room, all those moments, all they had worked for and they did it. You watched as they got their medals Jessie receiving hers from Janine and putting one around Sabrina’s neck.

You watched as Jessie picked up the medal around her neck, examining it with her hands, flipping it around. You watch as Janine leans over, saying something into Jessie’s ear, Jessie immediately picking up her head and looking in your direction. She gives you a smile when her eyes meet yours. Janine must’ve noticed you staring and told her. You give her a thumbs up before they begin playing all the national anthems.

Once the ceremony is finished you stand around a bit longer, watching all the players soak in the moment together. You find yourself catching Jessie’s eye every once in a while until she finally makes her way over to you.

“You’re coming out with us, right?” She slings an arm around your shoulder.

“Tonight?”

“Obviously, we’re going to go celebrate, we’ve got a bar rented out.” You had heard discussions of the post game celebrations, but never really read into them too much, you didn’t want to get too ahead of yourself thinking they’d win, it felt like you’d jinx them.

“I don’t want to intrude, if it’s a player thing.”

“It’s not, everyone’s invited, coaches, staff, families, everyone.” Jessie turns so her lips are against your ear. “Plus, I want you to be there.” She says quietly. You feel your skin prickle at her low voice and the feeling of her breath on your body.

You stumble over your own words as you agree to meet them at the bar later, your brain short circuiting from the feeling of her lips against your ear. “Oh, then yeah I’ll be there.”

You quickly found yourself a couple drinks in, courtesy of the Canadian foundation, in a rather large, but dark bar. Loud music and conversation filling the air. You had only arrived about an hour ago, thankfully it was within walking distance from the hotel. You had gone back and changed into a nicer pair of gray jeans and a simple Canada sweatshirt. Since you opted to change you did not arrive at the same time as Jessie, you had been unable to find her since arriving. You felt like you were back searching for her on the field after the match. Most of the players had remained in their sweatsuits, some changing into other t-shirts, sweatpants. You had found just about every other player, who all led you astray in which direction they last saw their captain.

You make your way back to the bar to get another drink, deciding you’ll just go sit with Olivia and the rest of the staff at the table they had occupied.

“Hey, where have you been?” You feel hands grab tightly onto your hips and you turn to see the brown eyes you’ve been looking for.

“Hi, I changed.” You gesture down to the fact that you were no longer wearing athletic clothing like you did while at work. “but I’ve been here an hour or so, I’ve been running around looking for you.”

“I’ve been looking for you.” Her eyes graze over your body. “You look good.” You can smell the alcohol radiating off of Jessie you’re not sure if it’s alcohol she’s consumed or if it’s just a mix of the champagne that was sprayed across her skin in celebration along with the smell of the bar. Her hands are still firm on your hips. “Come here.” She gently tugs you away from the bar.

“Hang on, let me grab this.” You reach for the beer the bartender had placed in front of you and then let yourself be pulled away.

She moves to grab your free hand instead and keeps pulling you, through the mass of red and white, back to the back corner of the bar and into a small hallway.

“Where are we going?” You ask when she finally stops walking.

“Here, where it’s just you and me.” Her hands find their way back to your hips and she pushes you back so you’re against the cool brick wall. “So we can do this.”

Her hand comes up to your cheek as it did after the game, but this time it doesn’t stop at your cheek she keeps moving it to the back of your neck, gently pulling you toward her and she moves in. This kiss was different than the rest, the rest had been timid, soft, gentle. This kiss was firm, her lips starting to move against yours immediately, its only a few seconds before you feel her tongue against your lips. You part your lips and let your own tongue graze against hers. You get the answer to your earlier question as you can taste the tequila and what you think is vodka on her tongue. The taste has you pulling back.

“Hey.” Jessie protests, a frown across her face.

“Are you drunk?” You put your hand without the beer against her chest, holding her back from leaning in to kiss you again.

“What?” She cooks her head at you.

“Are you just making out with me because you’re drunk? I can taste the liquor.”

“No you idiot, I mean yes I’ve been drinking, but I’m not drunk, plus I’ve wanted to makeout with you for weeks.”

“Okay but we’re in public. You team could see.” It’s not that you don’t believe her when she says she’s not drunk, it’s just you couldn’t help but feel a little uneasy with her choices to suddenly makeout with you in a bar, knowing she had definitely consumed something.

“I don’t care.”

“Jessie, no.” You step away from her..

“What? Oh come on? Because I’ve had three drinks? How many have you had?” She posed a fair question, she had had just as many drinks of you but you had been at the bar for far less time, if anyone was the problem here it would’ve been you.

“I just think you’re not fully considering the consequences of making out with me in a public bar. When you’re sober, we can do this.”

She leans down close to you and you think she’s going to kiss you again, but she brings her mouth toward your ear. “Okay, then I’m done drinking because I want to makeout with you. I promise I’m not drunk, not even tipsy, but if you want to wait that’s fine.”

“Okay.” You reply and Jessie turns walking back into the room. You follow her and watch as she makes her way to the bar, when she turns back she has two bottles of water in her hands.

“You should drink if you want to drink, it’s your night to celebrate.” You say when she comes over to your side, shaking one of the bottles of water at you. You don’t want to be the reason she doesn’t celebrate.

“No, I’m not a big drinker anyway, I had already decided to be done, I just got peer pressured into some shots with some of the youngsters when I first got here.” She takes a large sip of water.

“Jessie.” Your conversation is interrupted by hearing someone call from behind you and a girl runs up to her followed by two other men and a woman.

“Hi! Oh I’ve miss you.” Jessie takes the girl into a tight hug before releasing her and moving onto the next person hugging the next person.

“We’re so proud of you honey!”

“Thanks Mom.” Jessie mutters into the women’s hug. That's when you’re able to make the connection, this was Jessie’s family standing in front of you.

“This is my family, my mom, dad, sister and brother.” She points to each person. She introduced her family to you. She starts explaining how you’ve helped her with her injuries, and how you help everyone with stretching and staying healthy. She’s singing your praises to her family, making you blush standing next to her.

You stick around for a couple minutes as Jessie continues to talk about you. Not wanting to force her family to listen to stories about you, you tell Jessie you’ll be over at a table and leave her to enjoy the moment with her family.

You slide into a booth next to Janine and a few other people you didn’t know, assumed friends and family of the team. It doesn't take long for Janine to bring up the topic of Jessie.

“Just so you know,” Janine claps her hand hard against your back, giving you a slight shake. She leans in close to you. “I’m spending tonight, and probably the rest of the nights we’re here in his hotel room.” She points at the man next to you who now you recognize from photos to be her fiancé. “So there won’t be someone else in Jessie’s room.” You pull back to just look at her, you couldn’t believe what she was implying.

Janine must’ve thought you didn’t understand what she was suggesting when you didn’t respond. “Ya know, if you and a certain someone want to-”

“I know what you meant!” You spit out quickly. Taking a sip of the water you had. Upon your snappy response Janine quickly changed the subject, eying up the medal around her neck again, showing it to her fiancé.

It wasn’t long before you felt the booth sag next to you and Jessie alone with her sister found themselves next to you in the booth.

“Elysse!” Janine exclaims reaching over you and Jessie to attempt to hug the girl. Both of them leaning in pushes you and Jessie practically into each others laps.

“Sorry.” You apologize to Jessie, it wasn’t your fault but you felt like you were squishing her.

“All good.” She gives you a sweet smile before returning to her own personal space as Janine removes herself from across you two.

“Hey.” she slaps Jessie’s leg getting her attention. “I just finished telling this one that-” You almost go to cover Janine’s mouth with your hand. You know she’s been drinking and you also knew what was about to come out of her mouth. But you don’t stop her, instead you tilt your head down clenching your eyes hoping it’ll stop Janine’s words, only it doesn’t. “I’ll be in Ethan’s hotel room the rest of the trip, if you want to use it.”

“Oh.” You can feel Jessie’s eyes burning into the side of your head as you slowly open your eyes and send a pointed look in Janine’s direction.

“What?” She says, reading the uncomfortable looks you and Jessie were both giving her. “Oh what, do you two really think you’re doing such a good job of keeping it secret? You were practically making bedroom eyes at each other during the medal ceremony today.”

“Janine!” Jessie shouts at her friend before just shaking her head. You finally have the courage to take a glance at Jessie, her eyes are wide, she looks uncomfortable, you can also see her sister behind her looking between you and Jessie, trying to stifle a laugh.

“Alright, it might be time to get you out of here.” Janine’s fiancé says, grabbing Janine’s hand as he stood up. He gives a quick wave at the table, half as an apology, half as a goodbye. You all wave back to him and Janine and they walk into the mass of people.

You sat for a little bit longer, some teammates coming to join your table for a few minutes to chat before they’d run off to talk with someone else. It was only an hour later that Jessie’s Dad found his way to the table. “Jess, we’re going to get out of here, it’s late and we’re not young anymore, we’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah of course.” Jessie responds, she smacks your leg a few times then pointing to the side of you. You get the hint and stand up to let her out of the table. You watch as she stands up giving her Dad a tight hug.

“Coming now or later?” Her Dad looks at Jessie’s sister.

“Now, just give me a second to use the restroom.” She nods and her Dad walks away after they agree to meet outside.

“I don’t have to pee, I just wanted him to walk away. You two enjoy your night without Janine.” She says with a wink and a look between the two of you. You look over to Jessie who’s sporting a blushed red face. Her sister stands up to hug her and whispers something into Jessie’s ear, making her turn even more red. She gives you a quick wave and heads in the direction of the door.

“I think I’m going to call it a night too, feeling tired.” You say, suddenly feeling the exhaustion of the day hit you all at once. A yawn coming out of your mouth.

“I was actually thinking the same thing.” Jessie flashes you a smile. “Would you want to walk together?” You’re not sure if Jessie actually was ready to go or just decided she was going to leave since you were.

“That would be nice.” You take the empty water bottle from her hand and toss it onto the bin with yours. “Do you need to say bye to anyone?” Jessie just shakes her head.

“Do you?” You shake your head back. Your Mom had gone out with some of the older training staff, not wanting to be in a rowdy bar, Olivia was still around but you’d text her later letting her know you were back in your room. You’re not sure even if you said goodbye to anyone if they’d remember it in the morning or not.

The night was quiet when you stepped outside of the bar, Jessie shortly behind you. You start walking in the direction of the hotel and she quickly jogs to catch up. The two of you walk side by side down the roadway.

“Does it feel different the second time?” You break the silence asking.

“Does what feel different?” Her pace slows down as she turns her head to look at you.

“Winning gold.”

You hear her breathe in and then watch as she tilts her head slightly, deep in thought.

“It’s different, but I’m not sure if it's the winning that’s different. Last time it was an empty stadium, we didn’t get to do the celebrations with family and friends, there weren’t people watching, it felt so isolated, but it was in a weird way more peaceful. We got to just sit on the field, really soak it in.” She took another breath. “We didn’t get to do that, even if we could’ve there would’ve been fans, it would’ve been rowdy. Not to say one is better than the other, but yeah it’s different. I also wasn’t captain last time, so this time was more stressful, I felt like a lot of it was on me. Even though I know it wasn’t, it just felt that way.”

You hum acknowledging her answer as you walk into the lobby of the hotel. It’s thankfully pretty empty, Jessie's teammates still out celebrating and only a few other country’s athletes sitting around. You both get into the elevator, you press the button and you can feel a tension building as you ride up in silence. When you get out you walk Jessie to her door first, wanting to be polite and make sure she gets in alright.

“I’m sorry if Janine made it weird earlier. I'm not sure why she said that. I mean I get it but, I don’t want you to think I told her that was going to happen or anything. I don’t expect it to.” Jessie turns before she puts her keycard to the door.

“It’s all good. Little uncomfortable, especially with your sister there but it’s alright.” You shrug. It was uncomfortable but you didn’t mind too much, you had already forgotten about the conversation until Jessie brought it up again.

“Yeah, I’m sure I’ll have to explain myself to her later, she thought it was funny, she teased me for how red I got.”

“Yeah.” You both stand awkwardly outside of Jessie’s hotel room, you shift your weight between your feet, swaying slightly.

“Um, do you want to-”

“Have a goodnight-”

You both speak at the same time.

“Go ahead.” She gestures to you.

“I was just going to say goodnight.” You didn’t want to invite yourself into her hotel room despite Janine’s offer.

“Oh, yeah okay.” You can tell she seems a little disappointed.

“What were you saying?”

“I was going to invite you in?” Jessie looks up at you, her eyes with a glimmer of hope in them. She blinks quickly a few times before adding “Only if you want to, you don’t have to, I’m not expecting anything, you don’t even have to stay very long if you don’t want to, I just thought,”

“Jessie.” You cut her off, able to tell she was starting to overthink by the way her hands were fidgeting. “I’d like to come in.” You say before you lean down, now it’s her back pressed against the wall as your lips find hers. You pull away before any of her teammates or god forbid your mother decides to take a trip down the hallway and sees you two. Jessie turns to unlock the door and you follow her inside. You pull your phone out quickly texting Olivia.

You: Probably not coming back to the room at all tonight, or if I do it’ll be late, don’t worry about me I’m safe.

It takes a minute but she responds.

Olivia: Thanks for the heads up, I expect all the details of your escapades tomorrow

Olivia: seriously though, be safe, don’t do anything stupid.

You look up from your phone over at Jessie, thinking to yourself at least if you “do” anything, it wasn’t considered doing anything stupid, Jessie was smart.

[blondeweasel]

Some CX-2 thoughts before tomorrow’s episode:

I have been on the Tech is CX-2 train for a while now and each episode we go without any answers or a reveal makes me more and more nervous that the writers are just playing a big joke on us. I’m actually really scared that it will turn out to be some random person after all the similarities we’ve been seeing throughout the episodes that are practically screaming and throwing it in our faces who he is.

Like, why would they need to disguise CX-2’s voice if he’s Cody, or Dogma, or any other clone?

Why give him so much screen time and attention if he ISN’T someone important?

And if he IS someone important, wouldn’t it need to be someone important to the Batch and Omega in order for it to be a shock-value and significant reveal?

The Batch might be shocked about Cody but Omega doesn’t know Cody so it lessens the betrayal. Same with Dogma. He doesn’t have significance to the Batch or Omega either.

Which leaves Tech, or rando guy who is just there to mess up the Batch’s day.

If it is rando guy who isn’t important or plays no significance, then that’s a lot of work to go through just for nothing. It’s also kinda mean to drop the hints and tease and be evasive about Tech’s status just to leave him still dead and gone. To me, it would feel like they lied intentionally just to keep us Tech fans engaged and watching, filling us with false hope so we don’t stop watching.

If that’s the case I’ll be genuinely upset and a little hurt, not gonna lie. I’ll still like the show but it will be tainted for me a bit.

Just my two cents 🤷🏼‍♀️

[aachria]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH hi how are you!

I was rereading SSSBMTY for like the 10th time and Ive been dying to know that if Robin is really the only one who knows that Ed died somehow because bestie told her- but like did Robin take that seriously?? Did Robin hear “oh yeah I was the only one who died teehee” and took it in a “mental death” or a “physical death” way. If she took it in a mental perspective which I guess makes the most since does Robin realize the implications of Ed “dying” and somewhere in her head is super worried for Ed?

Some people in the story know about the “Buster Call” that TOTALLY (didn’t) happened but we’ve only really seen Robin, Zoro and Nami question it… I guess kinda Law with him comparing a Robin and Ed but not intense questioning. and now that Ed has done their screaming match with Kidd does Kidd and/or Killer have any suspicions of what they actually meant by being so connected to death???

AHHH ED YOUR KILLING ME NO PUN INTENDED?! I like death metaphors if you cannot tell- I want to squeeze you to get this information out.. is everyone just not questioning Ed’s weird background and possible death that they haven’t been super secret about?!?!

I wrote this while having a brain freeze bc of a smoothie

Reading SSSBMTY 10 times is crazy I hope you know that. I love you but I hope you know that.

When they're all on the Tower of Law Robin makes it clear she took it very metaphorical, like she interpreted that as Ed intentionally viewing the person they were before the 'Buster Call' as someone who was dead and gone and not who they were anymore. Honestly I think Robin took that and what Ed said after about them both belonging to the crew as Ed somehow just being better adjusted than her, which is fucking hilarious if you think about it.

I've always had the thought floating around that because Luffy got mad at Nami way back at the beginning when she tried to ask Ed about it she took that as 'no one ever ask Ed anything EVER' and has just instilled that idea whenever they get a new crewmate lmao. Like she sits them down and goes "Ok so Ed is weird and has terrible things in their past but Do Not Ask Questions if you think the dramatic violin music will start playing, ok?" even if that's Not the Case.

That isn't confirmed canon I'm just putting that out there. You gotta wait and see if I write that into the story lmao.

Tbh Zoro doesn't give a shit about whatever happened to Ed because he thinks they've got — if not a good handle on it — at least a decent ability to see help/comfort when they need to. His ass has seen them cope worse with things that actively happen around them then whatever was going on with the 'Buster call,' and is content to leave it alone unless Ed directly asks him for help. (Which is also very funny if you think about Ed's 'if you ask I will tell you EVERYTHING' policy.)

Now with Kid and Killer it's more so they have no idea what is up with this weird little guy but it seems like they've got some, uh, ISSUES with the people around them or they themselves being hurt/killed by someone with a dream and no regard for casualties. Wonder how that will develop if they hear about the 'Buster Call' thing or any other weird rumor they might have accidentally sent floating around.

Overall Ed speaks in weird backwards metaphors enough there's a chance no one has ever taken a single word they've said at face value, so.... yeah.

I hope your brain is ok xoxo

[lurkingshan]

I’ve been thinking about what makes the relationship between Jom and Yai in I Feel You Linger in the Air work so well despite the lead up to the romance being somewhat underwritten (which it plainly has been, especially on Jom’s side). I’ve discussed with some of my watch buddies that Tee Bundit gets bored of his own romance narratives and prefers to focus more of his attention on everything else happening around the romance (see: Step by Step), and he has plainly been doing the same in IFYL. So why is this romance working so well despite that?

First, I must give Tee credit for landing the big moments, even if he’s gliding over some of the building blocks to get there. Yai reciting that love poem, his series of increasingly obvious confessions and Jom finally opening up to receive them, their escalating physical desire, that olive oil scene, their dance both in reality and fantasy, their first sex scene, the intimate talk in the tub, Yai taking Jom to see the fireflies—this is all peak swoony romance. And crucially, he is grounding all of these moments quite intentionally in a sense of foreboding and impending doom, so even as we find joy in these two falling in love, we never forget what they have to lose and the danger that is lurking all around them. This works to tether the romance fantasy elements to something that feels more real, making the entire relationship feel both more vital and more fraught.

Second, I think the characterization for Jom is strong enough for us to fill in the gaps around his feelings for Yai. Jom met Yai after the worst day of his life and on the heels of realizing his lover had betrayed and strung him along for years. Yai’s earnestness and sincerity, his straightforward way of communicating, and his confident assurance that he wants to be with Jom no matter what must all be a balm to Jom’s hurt after what Ohm did to him. Jom has become more calm and centered as his relationship with Yai has progressed; he no longer seems anxious and scared at all times despite his continued awareness that he’s in a dangerous situation. You can read that as Jom simply allowing himself a pleasant distraction amidst his confusion and turmoil, but to me he just seems more centered and secure with Yai. His feelings for Yai seem genuine and his desire to be with him grows stronger each episode. I’ve noticed how much more Jom is smiling in these last couple episodes, and it doesn’t even feel conscious on his part. He just likes Yai and it’s coming through loud and clear.

Third, I must give it up for the actors. Nonkul and Bright are killing it in these roles, and they have created a very natural chemistry that can quickly ignite into intensity. Their depiction of physical desire is tangible; I can feel it in my own body when the tension between them ratchets up. They play beautifully off each other, and not just in the way they physically touch; everything from their body language to their facial expressions to their eye shine when they look at each other to their vocal intonations is just loaded with feeling and palpable chemistry. This is a story based in a fated connection and likely some form of reincarnation and inter-dimensional time travel, and so the pull between them needs to feel strong enough that you believe they would come together over and over again through time in all their various forms. We need to believe this relationship is something they will fight for and that Jom will mourn when he inevitably gets forced back to his own time, and they are absolutely selling it.

IFYL is delivering some of the best Big Romance we’ve seen in bl this year, despite having a story that is playing with a lot of big themes and is interested in a lot more than the romance. It’s a really remarkable show and another sign of how the genre is evolving.

[gatheringbones]

[“Addressing harm is possible only when we bravely face the gap between the story we tell about ourselves—the one in which we’re the hero, fighting the good fight, doing our best, behaving responsibly and appropriately in every context—and the reality of our actions. We need to summon the courage to cross the bridge over that cognitively dissonant gulf and face who we are, who we have been—even if it threatens our story of ourselves. It’s the only way we can even begin to undertake any possible repair of the harm we’ve done and become the kind of person who might do better next time. (And that, in my opinion, is what’s truly heroic.) As the psychotherapist Martha Crawford put it, “People don’t want to lose anything. Mostly what people want is to go back, to put things back the way they were before as if they’d never broken anything, which is really different than finding your way forward, and allowing a failure to remake you and remodel you and reorganize how you see yourself.”

This work is challenging enough when facing the smaller failings in our lives—how much more difficult is it when our closest relationships or our professional reputation is at stake, or even the possibility of facing significant consequences? And yet this is the brave work we have to do. All of us. We are each, in a thousand different ways, both harmdoer and victim. Sometimes we are hurt. Sometimes we hurt others, whether intentionally or not. The path of repentance is one that can help us not only to repair what we have broken, to the fullest extent possible, but to grow in the process of doing so.”]

rabbi danya ruttenberg, from on repentance and repair: making amends in an unapologetic world, 2022

[the-daily-dreamer]

A lot of people say that Aemond not wanting to kill Luke doesn't make any sense.

I would like to know what you think about it since you always have good arguments. 💚

Aww thank you so much!

Ok. So I’ve seen the argument that it makes no sense that Aemond wouldn’t want to kill Lucerys and also that Aemond should have known better when pursuing him so he must’ve been ok with the death.

Personally, I really don’t think Aemond wanted to kill Luc. I mean look at this reaction.

That is an OH SHIT look. It’s clearly unintentional and not what he wanted to do.

However, I also don’t think it’s a bad writing choice that Aemond didn’t want to kill Luc. I think that it’s actually very in character for Aemond based on his characterization this far in the series and also his history.

See, we need to recognize a few main facets about Aemond in order to attempt to understand his motivations and intentions. 1) He is usually the calmer, more rational, and more reliable of the two brothers. 2) He underwent a serious trauma as a child and was bullied (by Lucerys no less). 3) He has a habit of doing ballsy and poorly thought out things as a way to feel superior, more specifically when he’s in an environment where he feels inferior or his trauma is brought up.

And it’s these three points interconnected that all play into why I think it’s perfectly in character for Aemond to not want to have killed Luc.

Aemond’s behavior in normal circumstances is to not create problems like his brother. He doesn’t sneak out or sleep around. He studies and trains. And his mother clearly sees him as the most reliable of all her children. Taking this into account, I don’t think Aemond would want to murder Luc because it would DEFINITELY create problems, especially with a potential war brewing. It just doesn’t fit the character motivations we’ve seen this far to intentionally murder Luc. And that’s why I genuinely don’t think he would.

However, there have been scenes where Aemond does act out. And those scenes are what people use as proof that he would want to kill Luc and why the writing choice is bad. For example, the fight scene when he loses his eye, the toast scene, and most especially, the storm’s end scene before the murder.

All these scenes show a harsher, though rare, side to Aemond. A side of him that is willing to push buttons and intimidate others. But where does this behavior come from?

That’s where the bullying and trauma comes in. Every scene that we see Aemond lash out in has some relation to his mistreatment in the past. The fight scene is his first time feeling powerful in comparison his bullies (the strong boys), and then he only reacts harshly and violently when he his first provoked by them. The toast scene is in direct response to Luc laughing at the pig (a callback to the bullying Aemond faced from the Strongs and Aegon). And the scene at Storm’s End is him seeing Luc again after the dinner.

In all these instances, Aemond is confronted by traumas he has experienced or one of the abusers who did them. He clearly hasn’t handled his trauma the best because he lashes out when confronted with his past. And thus, his reactions tend to aim for making him feel stronger and more powerful than the people who hurt him and made him feel small and inferior.

When he is in the fight scene, he finally has confidence and feels powerful. So when attacked by his bullies, he calls them bastards and threatens them. It makes him feel better to finally overpower them after years of torment. In the toast scene, he has a direct callback to his bullying and clearly no remorse from the boy who stabbed his eye out. He can’t be violent because of the company at the table, so he implies the bastard status of the boys. A subtle way to bring them down and make himself feel big again. In Storm’s End, he finally doesn’t have his mother or any family to stop him, so when Luc appears and he feels that inferiority creep in again, he lashes out and tries to scare and intimidate Luc so he feels better again.

What I’m trying to get at is that after years of torment and being made to feel small and unimportant, Aemond reacts to being confronted with his trauma by trying to reassert himself as better and more powerful and bring his bullies down.

This all culminates in the scene where Luc dies. When Aemond is riding Vhagar, chasing Luc down he’s on top of the world.

He’s laughing and smiling and taunting. He feels powerful and dangerous and is reveling in the fact that the boy who mutilated him is scared shitless of him.

Would he have taken Luc’s eye? Possibly. I wouldn’t be shocked if he genuinely had that intent. But I think his main goal was to scare Luc. To shrink him down and make him feel small, the way he felt as a child being bullied and losing an eye. I don’t think murder is on his mind. It’s superiority. Fighting away the pain he had as a kid.

Genuinely, I don’t think that Aemond not wanting to kill Luc is poorly written. It’s perfectly in character (as far as I’m concerned) for it to be an accident. Aemond is not the type to plan on murdering Luc, based on his usually rational behavior. But, Aemond is also a traumatized kid on the inside and he lashes out. When confronted with his trauma and having Luc there, he responded the way he always does and tried to scare Luc to feel powerful and better about himself. Unfortunately, he didn’t think through that his actions could have far deadlier consequences than he intended. And that’s why he’s so shocked.

[amysubmits]

Imperfection...Or Just Real Life

Something I realized when talking to a fellow sub who messaged me recently, was how we probably don’t share “imperfection” often enough. 

I think it’s just a lot more instinctual to share the idealistic moments as those are the ones we want to linger on and document most. So I share, and I think lots of others share - the moments where their dom makes them feel perfectly submissive, perfectly helps them s hut their busy brain off, and brings them to euphoric pleasure in bed. 

I think there’s a lot of benefit in sharing the less-than-perfect experiences too though. The moments where we miscommunicate, where our doms might try to help us feel submissive but it just doesn’t quite work, or they may say something trying to turn us on that doesn’t quite push that button. Moments where we’re awkward or insecure, or don’t know what to say or do to create the feelings we’re after. I think all couples have moments like this. Nobody just decides to start D/s or explore kink and then has every sexual experience work out exactly as they’d hoped. That just isn’t real life. And I think sharing some of those experiences can be helpful. 

Especially for the benefit of others who may not know what is “normal’ or common or what the nitty gritty reality of figuring out D/s or kink can look like.

So with that in mind, here are a few of my experiences that come to mind. 

CD likes to thrust slow, hard and deep to make me squeal sometimes. It’s the type of sadism thing where he knows I don’t prefer this, but will tolerate it for him. Recently he was doing that, but rather than the regular sort of pain I experience with that, it was giving me sharp stomach pains. He only did it 2 or 3 times, and I didn’t say anything but he somehow realized I was not enjoying it - in a way that is different from the regular ‘suffering for you’ kinda thing. He commented that it didn’t seem like I was enjoying it, and I could tell that it had impacted his sexual headspace. I explained that it was giving me stomach pains. He asked why I didn’t say anything and I told him that for some reason I just didn’t really even consider saying something because I knew he was intentionally making it hurt, but I also knew that he wasn’t trying to make my stomach hurt - so I don’t really know why it didn’t occur to me to say something. It just didn’t. He told me that in the future he wants me to say something. 

CD likes to hear me beg for his cock, so sometimes he will pause during sex to encourage me to beg. There have been times where he’s paused because he needs a breather or has a cramp or something, and I’ve not realized it, and have started begging. We mostly just laugh, but it’s a bit awkward to beg and be told “hang on, I have a cramp in my calf.” lol. 

We’ve had times where CD has denied my orgasms for a few days with the intent of it building up to a really intense orgasm, but then I had a really weak orgasm instead. 

We’ve had sex where we thought I was 100% done with my period but then penetration makes a mess. 

Once CD asked me “Do you feel so humiliated?” in a tone where it was clear to me that he was turned on by thinking he was humiliating me - but I really wasn’t feeling embarrassed! 

Once while teasing me with access to his cock, Cd asked me if I ‘deserved’ it. We didn’t realize prior to that, that ‘deserve’ is a word that triggers me to feel undeserving...and finding out in the middle of sex was less than peasant, but now we know! I’ve seen people call experiences like that where you accidentally hit a limit that you didn’t know existed “discovering landmines”

I don’t really have a particular memory I can pull out as an example, but I also thought I should say that it takes a while to figure out how to effectively create specific feelings in a sub. We’ve never regularly discussed aiming for a particular feeling (like ‘I want to reach subspace, or I want stress relief, or I want to turn  my brain off, etc). Still, it’s definitely taken time, experience and trial and error to learn what does and doesn’t work for creating all of those feelings. What effectively gets me into subspace one day may not work on another day if my mood, hormones, stress levels, etc are different. Headspace can be finicky sometimes, so even if you’ve been at it a while and usually know what works...some days your usual routine may just not work. That’s just normal, this is an ongoing learning process. 

I also wanted to add that when I do share those idealistic experiences, in most cases he’s managed to create those experiences because of having years of experience and feedback from me. So it’s not that has always ‘just known” how to make me a submissive pile of goo. He’s asked me lots of questions, tried things to see what works and what doesn’t, observed reactions, and we’ve shared our feelings for years. And that’s a lot of how we’ve learned how to get really awesome experiences....but it’s still imperfect. We still get it wrong sometimes, have awkward moments, miscommunications, etc. We just keep learning about ourselves and each other as we go.  

If other D/s people on here are open to it, I’d love to see others share some of their ‘imperfect’ kink experiences too. :) 

@sccwriting

[piratefishmama]

Live to Serve (You) | Part 4

It wasn’t Steve’s fault. He was only human, a healthy young man it was a wonder he hadn’t sampled the simple pleasures of life sooner, so Eddie probably wouldn’t have held it against him for very long... but it kept happening. So much so that duty no longer played any part in what he was doing.

More and more as the year went by, the women never stayed very long, sometimes he’d even snag one of the pretty servant girls, never by force, oh heavens no, but a smile from the Prince, a softly spoken compliment dripping in honeyed charm, a rapidly growing reputation for his giving nature, not to mention the promise of the comfiest bed known to man, well… what young lady would refuse such a proposition?

Nobody.

Not a single young lady, and Eddie knew this because he had the wonderful task of waking them up every morning. His irritation growing stronger and stronger every day, every new woman, every new little bruise that didn’t come from someone hurting the prince, he knew it was jealousy, he knew it was a vile thing building inside of him, jealousy directed at the women who so easily caught the princes’ attention, at how easily they could have him, even if just for one night.

Eddie couldn’t have that. Steve had never looked at him like that, they’d spent twelve years together and the only thing Eddie had managed to get was a compliment about his hair. He had half a mind to cut it all off in spite, but… no.

No, he’d never had short hair, he didn’t intend to have short hair, that’d be a little drastic.

So, distance was what he went with, even if the Prince didn’t exactly get the memo.

“Come riding with me!”

“No, I have chores.”

“You should read with me in the library, we never read together anymore.”

“We’ve never read together, you always just slept through my attempts to read to you.”

“Fine, read to me while I nap.”

“No, I have chores to do.”

“Can you teach me how to—”

“You have tutors to teach you things, your highness, perhaps you ought to listen in your lessons more.”

“Nggghhhh, Eddie! Don’t— where are you going?”

“I have work to do.”

Attempt after attempt after attempt, all shot down, but Steve was persistent. Eddie couldn’t even begin to justify it to anyone else, even Robin in the kitchens had cornered him to ask him what the hell he was playing at after she found Steve moping in the library, his behaviour wasn’t okay in the slightest, his feelings weren’t Steve’s fault, nor was Steve intentionally trying to hurt them, but… he was only human. He could only take so much, so he distanced himself, sought to protect himself.

He couldn’t escape his feelings, but he could build walls around his heart to protect himself from them and if that meant holding Steve at arms-length and hurting the both of them, well… so be it.

But as previously stated, as Eddie well knew. Steve wasn’t just persistent, he was resourceful too. He’d made friends while Eddie had been putting distance between them, he’d reached out more and more to the other servants, asking for information, bonding with them, with one in particular who regularly challenged Eddie’s nonsense because “what the fuck, Eddie he’s sad, it’s like someone’s kicked his puppy, what are you doing to him?”

Which, uhm. Servant solidarity Robin, why the fuck wasn’t she on his side? Ultimate betrayal that one, and Steve hadn’t even slept with her.

Unfortunately, this meant that Steve had friends who could help him. It meant he could request a little help with cornering Eddie where he couldn’t run off, claim he had chores or disappear through a sneaky servant door that no one else knew existed, it meant one evening, a few weeks after Steve’s nineteenth birthday, after a stellar streak of masterful avoidance on Eddie’s part, Eddie found himself face to face with a locked door.

A locked door, and the Prince of Hawkins at his back.

“Why is this locked?” Eddie did his very best to remain calm as he jiggled the doorhandle, no dice.

“Talk it out!” Came Robins familiar holler through the door along with the jingle of keys and the echoing sounds of footsteps leaving them behind.

“Oh, I’m going to kill her, I’m going to kill her, bury her body in an unmarked grave in the woods, then dance on it.”

“Uh-huh, and why are you so against being locked in a room with me? What have I done exactly?” Eddie finally turned to face the other man, not for the first time noting just how much he’d grown. How handsome he’d become in what felt like the blink of an eye. No wonder women fell over themselves to get a taste of him, to get just a night in his bed.

“I’d be against being locked in a room with anyone against my will” Eddie bit back “you’re not special, your highness.”

“That’s another thing, this your highness crap, where the hell has that come from?” Steve crossed his arms over his chest “and the morning thing, which by the way, what the hell? You don’t even help me with my clothes anymore! Just breakfast’s ready and you’re gone! You know I hate breakfast first thing! And my mother hates my fashion sense!”

“You’re nineteen years old, Steven, you should be able to dress yourself and manage your own breakfast schedule by now.”

“Steven? What the—okay. Okay, clearly I’ve done something wrong, so if you could just tell me, because I’ve wracked my brain and cannot for the life of me figure out what I could have done, I can fix it and get my stupid friend back.”

“I’m not stupid.” Okay, maybe he was being a bit stupid, but he could justify it to himself so—

“Oh my God, Eddie. Please. Please just tell me what I’ve done, I want my best friend back, and I don’t know how to get you back so can you please just tell me?” 

“This isn’t something you can fix Steve. It’s… it’s just got to be this way, alright?”

“No, not alright, this isn’t alright, I did something, I know I did something, or I’m doing something cause you’d have forgiven me by now if I’d only done it once so… just tell me and I’ll stop.” Eddie just looked at him, a small frown pinched on his brow, not of frustration but… of something else, pain, distress, like he wanted to, but he couldn’t. “You’re not getting out of this room until you tell me so you might as well just tell me.”

“You’re such a brat, Steve.”

“I’m royalty, it comes with the territory. This all started after my birthday, after that stupid hunt, did someone say something? Did I drink too much and say something to you? Cause I dunno what I said but—”

“You didn’t say anything, Steve. You haven’t done anything wrong, don’t—don’t look at me like that, you haven’t. This… what I’m doing? I’m doing it for me. I’m doing it to protect myself.” Every time he had to wake the prince up and he found some woman in that bed with him, his morning spot beside the prince long since taken up by a random feminine form, it ached. It hurt more than he could explain, more than he thought hurt could. “And yes, it might suck for you that you now have to dress yourself but… it’s best if you just allow me to keep my distance.”

“This isn’t about dressing myself, Eddie, Lord almighty, I’m—I want my friend back, I want to go riding with you, and listen to you read, I want to take you on hunts with me cause it’s shit out there without you, I want to be able to tell you about life things, I want to watch you lace up my tunic cause I can’t do it myself, it’s always too tight… I just want you back and I don’t know how to do that so please tell me how.”

“I can’t…”

“Why?”

“Because it’s not fair! I can’t— I can’t justify it in any way that you’ll understand, in any way that’ll make what I’m doing sound fair to you because it’s not your fault, you haven’t done anything wrong, it’s me, it’s all me, I’m only human and it hurts so I’m protecting myself, please just let me protect myself, just… just call me selfish, or irrational, be mad at me for pushing you away for a bad reason, just… just let me go.”

“Not until I know what the reason is.”

“Ngghh, why? Why do you have to know?”

“Because you JUST said it’s hurting you…” he stepped closer, Eddie had nowhere to go, couldn’t back away, couldn’t side step, he just had to allow the prince to step into his space, to be too close “I don’t want to hurt you, Eddie… I don’t want to be the one causing you pain, I don’t know what it is, but… if you tell me, I can fix it… I can make it better again, I can have my best friend back…”

“You can’t fix it, I don’t know how many times I’ll have to say it to get it through your skull, but you can’t.”

“I can try!”

“I wouldn’t ask you to! That wouldn’t be fair!”

“You’re being difficult.”

“You locked me in a room against my will and interrogated me, difficult is the LEAST I can do!”

“Ugh, will you just tell me, please?!”

“No!”

“Why?!”

“Because—Because—!” In Eddie’s defence, Steve was not letting him out of that room, and he was also too close for Eddie to fight his impulsive thoughts, in one swift, somewhat clumsy move, Eddie had put his hands on Steve’s jaw and closed the gap between them in a mess of inexperienced teeth and spit and Eddie expected to be shoved back, expected to be pushed away and refused, he was no Lord and Steve was notorious for bedding only women, but that... didn’t happen.

Sure, Eddie was pushed backwards, but it was against the door, the clumsy kiss adjusted and bettered by experienced lips and tongue, bigger, warmer hands than his own cupping his cheeks, and soon enough Eddie was melting into it. The hands he’d placed on Steve’s jaw falling to wrap arms around his neck and chasing him in vain when he moved to break it. “Wh-what...?” Steve breathed, lips still brushing bruised, spit slicked, plump lips as he spoke “you...” Eddie didn’t know what to say, words stuck in his throat, trapped in Steve’s searching gaze, his own eyes wide, shimmering and swimming with a mixture of panic and want. “God, why didn’t you do this years ago?” Those eyes widened just a fraction more before they succumbed to the mind melting feel of lips against his, sliding shut as tongue slipped between his lips to coax his own into play, to teach him how to play.

The hands left his cheeks, pulling at the fabric of his tucked in shirt, tugging until those same hands could slide under and grip his slender waist and pull it tight, flush against Steve’s own, he had to tear himself from the kiss at that, head dropping back against the wooden door to groan his pleasure out into the rapidly warming air around them, Steve wasn’t deterred in the slightest, those talented lips of his sealing over Eddies pulse point and suckling the skin there until bruised and angry, moving on quickly to another spot to repeat the process. “S-Steve...” Eddie gasped, hands feebly gripping shoulders “Steve… I’ve never—w-we shou—”

“Shhh, I’ve got you, you’ve looked after me for so long, Eddie... let me—let me take care of you for once.”

Maybe… Eddie very briefly thought as Steve slowly dropped to his knees, just before all thought vanished from Eddie’s mind replaced by warm, wet bliss, that actually… maybe he wouldn’t kill Robin.

Part 6

[presidenthades]

Once again, I am doing a series of my behind-the-scenes thoughts for The Golds while I do light edits for formatting, typos, and continuity. Here’s Chapter 8!

(Full disclosure, I learned that TGC can sing around the time I started writing this series, and that definitely inspired singing artsy Aegon. I am still distraught about his band going “on a break.” 🥺)

For this chapter’s title, I picked the Mother lyrics from “The Song of the Seven” because it’s the childbirth chapter. The moment we’ve all been waiting for!

Joff’s hand is bandaged at the beginning of the chapter because she’s been messing around with the glass candle. Of course her loyal assistant Daeron knows about it, and he doesn’t entirely approve of her methods.

BTW I often cringe when people in fantasy stories casually cut their palms for spells and such, because your hands have a lot of muscles and nerves, so it hurts a bunch and takes a while to heal. I thought about having Joff take blood from a different body part that isn’t used all the time. Then I remembered the point of blood magic in this universe is pain and sacrifice, and I could see the magic refusing to accept blood from someone intentionally trying to avoid pain, and it only works if it hurts. So here I am, using the trope that I used to always complain about 😅.

Despite everything, Jace would not approve of Elinor’s hand being cut off, so people have been avoiding telling her.

Jace thinks Gyles is suffering at Dragonstone, but this is actually an improvement! He used to make a heckton of pies at the Red Keep, but now he only has to cook for one person. So he’s getting paid the same to do 1% of his usual workload, and he gets to be creative since he has to change the menu every meal while ensuring Jace eats a balanced diet.

Luce dresses extra neatly and arrives early so people don’t suspect she was canoodling with Aemond the night before, but this is so out of character for her that Jace notices.

During breakfast, Luce tries to play it cool and ignore Aemond while he stares at her. They had this exact same dynamic in Chaoter 9 of the Handbook, during the post-wedding breakfast. They really need to coordinate a better system when they have something to hide 🤪. (100% inspired by Aemond’s intense staring during the show when he looks at pretty much anybody.)

If Aegon and Aemond get to have sibling telepathy, so do Jace and Luce.

Luce’s rose garden reference is a callback to Chapter 1, when it’s mentioned that Aegon got handsy with Jace pre-wedding while Daemon was stalking around the hedges. Technically, Jace and Aegon were already married for years because of the elopement, and that’s how Jace justifies letting Aegon take liberties. He was already her husband so why not? 😉

Absolutely nobody expected Jace to serve as chaperone, but she blames herself anyway (as usual). If everyone wasn’t so worried about Jace’s health and if the trip preparations weren’t so hasty, I’m sure Alicent or Rhaenyra or Daemon would have insisted on sending an actual chaperone with the group.

The Episode 8 last supper bit where Jacaerys pathetically punches Aemond, who isn’t fazed at all, inspired the scene with our Jace smacking Aemond with a sandal (la chancla!). In this universe, however, Aemond can’t retaliate because Jace is a pregnant woman. He has too many chivalrous notions to strike a woman (and nobody would let him anyway). Luckily for Aemond, our Jace isn’t very strong either.

Baela has been corresponding with Cregan the last few months. Not so frequently that it raises eyebrows, but often enough that they’ve gotten to know each other better. She definitely sent a letter of condolence after Sara died, so she’s expecting a response. Unfortunately, Cregan is not reacting well to his sister’s death, and it feels like the latest in a series of Starks getting screwed whenever they interact with Targs. Jaehaerys and Alysanne made the Starks donate land to the Night’s Watch who neglected it, Jaehaerys showed mercy to rebels which led to Walton Stark’s death, Rhaenys arranged for a Stark daughter to marry Ronnel Arryn (who was usurped and thrown out the Moon Door; his wife and children probably weren’t spared either), and there are probably still some complicated feelings about Torrhen kneeling to Aegon I. Now the Northmen probably feel the Targs caused Sara’s death too, so Cregan, who is also grieving, backs away from Baela and arranges to marry a Northern girl.

Rhaenyra deliberately omits news of the Baratheon betrothal in her letter to Jace. Like everyone else, she’s trying to reduce Jace’s stressors.

Aemond’s letter has the king’s personal seal. He’s confused why Viserys would bother writing to him.

Aegon’s letter is most likely from Alicent, and it mentions something about the Baratheons. I don’t think Alicent explicitly reveals the betrothal, but there’s enough detail that Aegon figures out something is fishy. He has a good poker face when he chooses to use it, so Jace can’t tell what his reaction is.

Aemond leaves because he wants to yell at Viserys, and Luce follows to stop him from getting in trouble. They’re gone all day because they stop somewhere along the Blackwater to argue about what to do, and eventually Luce convinces him to come back to Dragonstone. When they return in the middle of the night, Aegon sneaks out to get the details from them, and that’s when they all agree on a cover story to tell Jace.

Aegon is constantly checking Jace’s pulse because he’s worried about her anxiety 😮‍💨.

Luce is trying very hard not to cry during her convo with Jace. Normally Jace is the first person she confides in about this sort of thing, but she can’t right now 😢.

Jace has a PTSD flashback, and she instinctively/inadvertently uses grounding techniques (mostly centered on Aegon) to get out of it. Westeros doesn’t have much psychological understanding or vocabulary, so I imagine a lot of conditions/symptoms get swept under the category of “madness.” Jace doesn’t entirely know why her brain and body are acting the way they do, so she worries she’s losing her mind.

I’m not a doctor so don’t quote me, but based on my amateur internet research, stress and trauma during pregnancy can cause preterm labor, and Jace has experienced a lot of stress and trauma. I was determined for Cheeseball to be born healthy, so I made him born around 37 weeks/3 weeks early. Not too early, but he’s cutting it close in a world without NICU equipment. I also read that babies born early are likelier to be breech, presumably because they’re on the small side.

Pregnant women sometimes begin “nesting” when the baby is imminent, so Jace spends the morning organizing the baby knits. And the baby might be less active than usual right before labor, which Aegon notices.

Joff is using her little hourglass to time Jace’s contractions 💀.

Jace is telling herself to be brave because “a woman’s battlefield is in the childbed,” or however the saying goes.

Why does Joff know so much about different types of fire? Because she and Daeron were trying all the different ways to light the glass candle on fire 🔥.

Rhaenyra still has unresolved trauma from Aemma’s death, so she decides to keep Aegon from the birthing chamber out of fear that he would make the same choice as Viserys if something goes wrong. When the maester and midwives are debating what to do, Rhaenyra thinks, “of course we’re saving a Jace, she’s my daughter, we aren’t killing her in the hopes of a male heir.” She overcorrects in the opposite direction as Viserys, not realizing she’s acting kinda similarly by taking the choice from Jace. By Westerosi standards, Rhaenyra is also overstepping because the expectation is it’s the father’s right to decide, certainly not the baby’s maternal grandmother’s right. Alicent thinks Aegon deserves to be in the room and have a say in what happens, so she fetches him regardless of Rhaenyra’s feelings.

I did a little reading about the history of childbirth (skip this bullet if you might be squicked by details, though I’m not going to be graphic). A child in breech has always been a big concern but isn’t necessarily fatal; it has higher odds of being injured in the birth canal, or being strangled by the umbilical cord. If the baby really does get stuck, there are ways to extract it to save the mother, but the baby almost certainly dies (and it’s quite awful how they take it out). And historically, the mother was actually chosen over the baby quite often until some church reforms happened and pushed for the baby’s survival via C-section, which had very high odds of killing the mother. So I have a lot of conspiracy thoughts about whether Aemma really was beyond saving in Episode 1, or whether the maester just told Viserys that so they could try to get the baby 🧐.

I feel like Jace could have convinced Aegon to pick the baby…and then Aegon would spend the rest of his life depressed and drinking himself into an early grave 😔. If he were somehow forced to remarry and have more kids, he would be Viserys 2.0 and favor Cheeseball over any children by his second wife. Thankfully, that didn’t happen in this universe!

I know people have a lot of questions about what Joff did with the candle, but I have to save a lot of that info for future fics! Just bear in mind that like it says in the fandom wiki, glass candles are supposedly able to give its wielder visions and dreams. I also gave the candle some qualities as an arcane focus, like in D&D. Oh, and I read on a fan forum speculating that the glass candles might be like palantirs from LOTR, so there’s that. And here, Joff uses Aegon’s blood for the ritual because he’s the baby’s father, so there’s a strong connection she utilizes to coax the baby out.

Joff puts out the candle right before the others come into the room, so nobody except Jace and Aegon (and probably Daeron) know that anything magical was involved.

During the Middle Ages, birthing rooms were kept warm and sealed because they were afraid a draft/the cold would be bad for the mother and baby. But Jace is both a Targaryen and a Velaryon, and she wants to hear her dragon and the sea, dammit.

“The sun wishes to meet the sun.” Sorry, I couldn’t resist making a pun with sun/son.

Royal and noble women overwhelmingly prefer using wet nurses (partly as a status symbol, partly so they can get back to conceiving more heirs quicker, partly so they can focus on other duties). But the ASOIAF-verse does have examples of royal and noble women breastfeeding (see some of the citations on that page if you want to dig in), including the original Queen Rhaenys. So Jace breastfeeding her child is very unusual but not unheard of. And I wanted to give Jace the psychological benefits of breastfeeding, since she’s been in a shaky mental and emotional state.

Babies and children die super easily in the pre-modern world. Just look at how many of Jaehaerys and Alysanne’s kids died super young! It’s why Aegon’s second nameday was such a big deal in the show; he survived infancy, which was the most perilous time. That’s why Jace knows that despite producing a son, she and Aegon will be expected to have more kids. It’s too risky not to.

Since we’re already bringing in LOTR with the palantir vibes, I decided to add some One Ring vibes too. Aegon senses some bad juju from the candle but he’s not magically inclined at all, so he shrugs it off. Jace isn’t super into magic either, but she’s mentally and emotionally vulnerable so the candle taps into her weaknesses more easily. I’ll probably flesh out the system more in the future Joff fic.

The culture of chivalry and courtly love seems to be strongest in the Reach. Daeron picked up on the art of giving flowery compliments while he was there. Unfortunately Joff doesn’t care about that sort of thing.

Daeron knows the candle isn’t entirely “good,” but he’s too used to following Joff’s example and doing whatever she wants. This is probably going to be part of his character arc.

Aegon, in his best Ron Swanson voice, to Dragonstone’s gardeners: “You may have thought you heard me say I wanted a lot of roses. But what I said was: give me all the roses you have.”

The lyrics in Cheeseball’s song convey the sentiments that Aegon wishes he’d heard from his father growing up, and now Aegon is ensuring that Cheeseball hears his own father say/sing those things every day 🥹. And Aegon makes sure to put both Targaryen and Velaryon references in the song to commemorate Jace’s family.

Chapter 9 commentary here

[audiblehush]

*I've edited this a few times as more thoughts have come to me... like, a lot. People’s reactions to that S3 clips have me just… perplexed and distressed and banging my head against a wall.

People are happy Pen is “dragging” Colin for his one, ONE thoughtless comment the season prior. And I’m like… why do y’all want to see him in pain so much? Why?? We’ve all made mistakes like this and the PenStans are being really unfair to him. His errs pale FAR in comparison to the stuff Pen has done.

Meanwhile, Pen haters are furious and calling her a hypocrite for what she said and want to Colin flip the fuck out at her down the line after the LW reveal.

Both of them have in been wrong and done wrong in multiple instances, again - with varying levels of severity. Pen has done some awful shit (even if she had her reasons) and imo is CLEARLY shame spiraling while ripping into him, in a way that he does not deserve. While Colin has admittedly not only put his foot in his mouth in a pretty public way, and (a much more minor scale) has also been either willfully (doubtful) or naively / innocently (more likely) playing with Pen’s reputation, esp. in S2 in a way that, intentionally or not, lead her on a smidge... NONE of these things justify Pen not giving hi a chance to explain himself. (Though, a reminder that book Colin was always aware of Pen’s crush and careful as a result- we don’t know about show Colin, but I almost hope he’s not aware because that makes some of his choices YIKES... but my instinct is just that he has not felt romantically about her and is hella naive to her feelings).

They can BOTH be wrong!!! We can hold space for both of those truths!! They are both allowed to express that hurt... to a POINT.

I’m tired of people thinking that Pen grappling with her choices has to be a) just… not doing that and pretending she’s perfect (I'm looking at you PenStans) or b) Colin or others screaming at her in punishment or to get on her knees and crawl and repent.

Mind you, this doesn’t mean Pen doesn’t deserve to be called out, she TOTALLY DOES and it is NEEDED for her development and accountability, but why does it need to be done in a way that’s cruel? Two wrongs make a right?? This isn't enemies-to-lovers!!! Eloise already tried an angry outburst and all it did was fan the flames and hurt and made things worse... because Pen lashed RIGHT back out. That exchange started with the intent of causing pain and even when the two inevitably make up, things were said that cannot be unsaid or forgotten. That fight was so painful because they were both hurting and trying to hurt... and they were both partly wrong and both partly right.

The Show!Colin I love is not someone who revels in a righteous anger. He has every right to be hurt by Pen’s choices and to express that hurt, but it’s distressing to me that people want him to blow his top at Penelope in return because she “deserves it.”

1) To me it's OBVIOUS she’s clearly already fucking hurting and NOT COPING WELL and has a lot to grapple with this season regarding her fuck ups and lack of confidence. That doesn't lessen his hurt, but Would Colin really want to do that when his friend is hurting? I don't want a vindictive, smug Colin, not matter how justified he would be in acting that way.

2) In reality, an angry blow up would be so fucking vindictive and unhealthy to BOTH parties and I hope the show doesn’t go that route. I hated angry!book Colin and hope he his “let me grab Pen’s arm and knowingly hurt her as I squeeze because I’m angry so there” stays far away from Show!Colin. He can express his hurt and pain and disappointment ("You're my friend, how could you do that to me?") without a vicious a screaming match (or godforbid manhandling her). In fact, I think it would be less effective for Pen AND less healing for Colin himself.

Pen is hurting and Colin is hurting and I’M hurting because I want my babies to figure it out without harming each other further in shortsighted anger. At least this happens early… I hope Colin gets his say early on too, even if the LW stuff has to come later. I need them to start working shit out.

Why the fuck do people want them to continue hurting each other? Why do you want to see these already suffering characters suffer more?

Who does that benefit?! EDIT: Now I'm seeing takes that they think Pen's mad at Colin for not returning her feelings?! How on earth is that a valid reading when A) she knows that he's in the dark about her feelings? Even when she's snipping at him in this clip, she doesn't say the reason it hurt is because feelings she has. She CERTAINLY doesn't want him to know now B) it's clear that Penelope's self-esteem when it comes to feeling being worthy of love is practically non-existent? Do we think maybe she's angry about the fact that barely an hour after he promised to look out for her he said a phrase that the people around him clearly took in a way that was mocking to Pen? And didn't see him immediately contradict the cruel laughter? Even if it's a large misunderstanding (which I hope it is), it's easy to see why Pen would take that that way if you extend some basic empathy for her. She is not DEMANDING he return her feelings; she was was expecting a friend who wasn't (seemingly) talking about her behind her back. That's not unreasonable (even if she should have confronted him right away about it to clear the air, she was reeling after her friendship with Eloise imploded... she wasn't exactly thinking clearly).

I'm so confused; why do these people who claim to love Polin refuse to try and even remotely understand why Pen is the fucking trainwreck she is right now (or has been since the end of S1 tbh)? Understanding is not endorsement. Empathy is not endorsement. I'm so tired...

[brolantra]

Moving forward it would be wise to listen to your soul… it’s your number one job… and if you don’t know how to do that I’d say intentionally try to learn.. silence all the external noise, the societal pressures, the money talk, the perceived responsibilities… sit with your pain without numbing, distracting, or running. Stop performing and intellectualizing your feelings and FEEL them. Sit with it long enough to ask yourself what it is you need… sit with it long enough to actually hear the answers.. the answers are in your pain. The answers are in your triggers. The only way out is through.. and I swear on my soul I wanna see everybody heal. We all got problems. The world was designed to cause us as much trauma as possible and keep us mentally, emotionally & spiritually enslaved. Capitalism & consumerism was designed to make people hate themselves and strive for certain lifestyles to keep us disconnected from our true nature and prevent everyone from self actualizing. They know we’re moving in a time where there’s going to be a mass awakening.. even bigger than the last wave. I’m very passionate about this because I KNOW how it is to be hurting and not knowing what to do. But God instructed me to learn how to heal myself 7 years ago so I could help others. If you knew the things I’ve been forced to live through, and were able to see my healing process from the inside… you’d know that healing is more than possible. Healing yourself is how you do your part in healing your bloodline & the collective. I know indoctrination would have you believe otherwise but NO ONE is coming to save you. Healing is how we free ourselves. There’s nothing this world needs more than the extensive & sacred work true healing requires and demands. Healing yourself is how you align with the HIGHEST timeline the divine has for you. But aside from manifesting and reaping worldly rewards… your souls truest nature is infinite and deserves to be set free. The foundation you lay this year will either lead to you staying in the old world or moving into the new. We’ve been in the process of shifting dimensions for years now. That energy is really strong and the spiritual war has only gotten more intense. I just really don’t want to see people get swept away by themselves when they have an opportunity to genuinely work on things. I don’t want to see anyone get left behind

[louisisalarrie]

Hi! this is kind of random but I also work in a show business adjacent world and I deal a lot w artists contracts / insurance, stuff like that. There’s something that I can’t quite explain about the whole Lime bikes thing, and I kinda just want to say it out loud to someone else I trust to see if it makes sense.

Okay, so my thing with Lime is that it’s 100% a branded deal, meaning that H got a certain amount of money to be seen for x amount of times riding their bikes. There is absolutely no way he’s not getting paid for that. He probably also negotiated ancillary deals for other celebs (James corden, Taylor russell) to be seen doing that with him, and they got a cut as well. Now, if there is an exchange of money, there’s also a, presumably quite expansive, written agreement. When an artist such as Harry enters in a work agreement, especially one that includes “dangerous activities”, such as riding a bike in central London with no helmet, there will be two things that happen: 1. He’ll need to be insured, and for a lot of money. No brand will take the risk of hiring him without it, and his managers would never allow it anyways. 2. The insurance company will require certain things to be in place in order to minimize the risks of him getting hurt and then having to shell out what I imagine is an astronomical amount of money. Not to mention the fact that a major recording company has hundreds of millions of dollars riding on him being able to play guitar/dance around/ show his perfect face, and they would never risk it for the sake of a brand deal.

Which brings me to my point: the only way videos like the one from the other day make sense, is if they are COMPLETELY planned and shot like a film would be. Meaning that he’d get on the bike with someone (either paparazzi or a staff member w phones for the more “organic” sightings) just feet away ready to film him. There’d be cars around them that are actually driven by his people, maybe security, that ensure that he does not get hurt or run over, just how it happens for film shoots. And it also means that he probably gets off that bike mere seconds after he got on, once they got the pics or footage. And that there’s a car with a driver waiting for him, as well as some Lime employee ready to take the bike off his hand.

Which also, incidentally, means that all the organic sightings we’ve gotten were actually planned and distributed intentionally. It also means that a bunch of them could have been shot the same day with different outfits and then spread out to place him in London when needed.

I know this sounds far fetched, I KNOW. But when you think about it, is this crazier than his entire management just being okay with the risk of golden goose Harry styles falling off his ass, scratching his face, breaking an ankle or god forbid something worse? Like, there is absolutely NO WAY they would let that happen. And yes, I know he was photographed riding bikes in LA, and was also seen riding Vespas in Italy, but those were a different times or a less dangerous place, not to mention the fact that he was wearing a helmet.

Thoughts?

Not far fetched at all, my love. You’ve hit the nail on the head, here. Thanks for your insight!

[starkjoy]

it’s insane how disappointed i am with this season… like i don’t even know how to deal w this lmao. i just feel like i’m being gaslit into believing all the stuff i previously thought about tomshiv’s dynamic and even tomgreg’s (in terms of the nero/sporus subtext) isn’t true. it’s a weird decision on the writers’ parts.

the whiplash is so odd to me that i can’t help but wonder if they’re intentionally misleading us for some late-in-the-game twist. that’s probably delusion though—simplest explanation is that they changed their mind or it’s shitty writing. seems to be a trend with hbo final seasons. let’s see how it all ends before we make any final decisions, though.

unlike failed internet darling mlm ships of the past, tomgreg isn’t a case of fandom creating a narrative and setting themselves up for disappointment—the writers intentionally implanted homoeroticism into their plotline. the actors knowingly played around with it. jesse literally called them homoerotic a few weeks ago. it’s really sad to think succession may fall prey to every other queerbait-adjacent (adjacent for now since the season isn’t over) curse, leaning into the queer undertones until they’ve written themselves into a gay corner with the internet convinced something is gonna happen, only to backtrack and pretend the vibes were never there at all. it’s too early to say if that’s the case here, but it certainly feels that way at the moment. i mean, what else are we supposed to think when the writers go from nero and sporus gay marriage as the through line of season 3, to disgusting brothers hetero sex tour comedic relief background noise with tomshiv redemption front end center? am I supposed to be enjoying this?

all that being said, on a positive note im glad we’ve seen how much closer tom and greg have gotten as partners, and that they’re scheming together and on the same page. i’m glad they’ve had at least one interaction each episode. i’m glad greg seems much more into tom than previous seasons, quelling any unrequited friendship accusations. i’m glad we got insane homoerotic undertones in episode 1, even if they’ve dropped off since then. but where we’re sadly lacking is depth—what was once the hallmark of tomgreg’s deeper connection in contrast to tomshiv’s emotional constipation. now greg makes sexual quips while tom rolls his eyes…end scene. and again. it was funny and cute at first, but now it’s getting boring. don’t they deserve a more interesting arc in the final season after years of build up? why are we subject to tomshiv rehashing the same shit we’ve seen for 3 seasons instead?

also, one of the most compelling arcs of season 3 was tom’s vengeance, especially because we saw it play out from his perspective. outside of his plane convo with greg, tom’s pov has all but been erased. even the tomshiv moments are from the lens of shiv’s experience. and as much as we may sympathize with shiv’s heartbreak over his betrayal and her dad’s death, it feels almost wrong that the show is trying to make me feel bad for her? we saw how awful she was to tom for three seasons, we saw from tom’s perspective how much she hurt him. i don’t feel bad for shiv on the tom front at all, the fact that she kept his baby feels wildly out of character, and frankly it’s a little insulting the amount of time the final season is spending trying to convince the audience otherwise.

hey, maybe my feelings will change in a few days. maybe the final episodes will change all of our minds. i’ll always have some hope for tomgreg, but right now it’s not looking promising given the treatment they’ve received so far. anyone with any positivity to share hit me up because I could use it!!

[carisi-dreams]

here, have this mc!sonny fill that I got inspired to write after reading through earlier bits of the story.

originally mentioned here and comes after this: Talking to Emily.

///

The show cut to a commercial break and you turned the volume down on the television. Under where you were sprawled, Sonny was on his back on the couch with a hand tucked behind his head. He was relaxed and it was nice to have this casual affection back again. You’d missed this most of all over the last three weeks.

“I saw Carmen the other day,” you started in a tone that you fought to keep casual. “She really is still stunning.” 

Sonny hummed in agreement and remained otherwise silent. The picture on the screen flashed light around the room and you tried again.

“I know I said that I wasn’t going to share you, and that I would never okay the road rules, but—“ you cut yourself off when Sonny tensed under you. 

“I don’t want that,” Sonny said tightly. The hand that had been behind his head came to rest on your back heavily. “I don’t.”

“Okay,” you replied neutrally. “But if you did…” you trailed off and Sonny tensed up even more. The show came back on, but neither of you reached for the remote to turn the volume back up. “Carmen is beautiful and she’s a friend of the club. We know we'll have fun. I wouldn’t be opposed to asking her over and seeing where things go…Maybe we could make it a semi-regular thing? Once a month, or…well, I’m not really sure. I wouldn’t be opposed, though.” You were rambling.

“You want to have Carmen over once a month for dinner…and you think she’s beautiful,” Sonny summed up in a harsh tone. He was clearly confused and frustrated. “What on earth are you talking about?”

“Not dinner,” you contradicted evenly. “A threesome, Sonny. I’m suggesting that if you feel like you wish things were…spicier, we could see if Carmen would be interested.”

“Spicier,” Sonny repeated flatly.

“I hate when you just parrot what I say in a different tone,” you said darkly. “Stop being intentionally obtuse. We’ve been together for a while, it makes sense that you may be wondering what else is—“

“Do not finish that sentence,” Sonny threatened in a voice that was just barely audible. “Don’t even think that—“

“You said you found Emily attractive,” you reminded him defensively. Who was he to be offended now? “I’m—“

“I got my ego stroked by someone who encouraged me to play the hero because I’m an asshole, not because I wish things were ‘spicier’,” he interrupted. 

You could hear the air quotes around the last word and you sighed heavily. Sonny sat up and dragged you to a half sitting position between his legs. 

“And I did find her attractive, but not—she’s not.” 

He sighed in frustration and tried again.

“It’s not about her being attractive—it didn’t hurt, but it wasn’t just about that. I need you to understand this.” 

His hands came up to your shoulders and he shook you gently despite his tight grip. You met his eyes and chewed the inside of your cheek.

“It’s about me being immature,” Sonny said quietly. He maintained eye contact with you and his expression was anguished, but determined. “It’s about me being insecure.” 

You twisted your mouth and tried to believe him. It’s what he’d been saying in so many words for weeks now. 

“I don’t think she’s more attractive.” You dropped your eyes from his gaze now and bit your  bottom lip hard. “Carmen either. I mean, she’s lovely, but I wasn’t interested in her in high school and I’m definitely not now.” He added the next part as an aside. “Besides, I think she has an ill fated crush on Matty, of all people.” Sonny just shook his idea at the idea of that and then shrugged. “No. No to this idea and no to sharing you and no to road rules and no to swinging or whatever else your brain is going to come up with next. No.”

“Okay,” you replied softly. 

“Look at me,” Sonny ordered in a gentle tone. When you met his eyes, he repeated himself. “No. I don’t want to share you and I sure as fuck don’t want anyone else. I want you. I’m attracted to you.”

Sonny laughed lightly and pulled you back into his chest.

“Doll, we spent $400 on a gun because you caught me watching gun kink porn. Once.” Sonny said with an air of incredulity. “You didn’t even think twice. I don’t think there’s anyone who would be half as spicy with me as that. You trust me to put a gun in your mouth.” 

His fingers drifted up to your lips and brushed over them lightly.

“It’s never been loaded,” you muttered. Saying it out loud like that made it sound like more of a gesture than you’d ever intended. But Sonny was right, you hadn’t thought twice about your willingness to try it.

“That’s not the point,” Sonny chastised. He shook you gently again and then tilted your face up to look at him. “Just you, doll. Just you."