#well thats why online translators exist!

[theromaboo]

Me: *searching for sources on a thing I'm interested in about ancient Rome*

All the sources I can find: *literally always in French or German*

[onnoffwrites]

I have been losing my shit over this damn panel for the past THREE DAYS (more or less) and I need to yell somewhere so it's gonna go here.

It all began when I was writing my fic (I think this was for My Immortal), and I needed to recap significant hakukai moments. And I remembered "hey, I should include this one thing saguru said during sunset manor that was stupidly super gay for no fucking reason" bc like, yea hakukai not canon, but if canon was gonna give me a whole ass confession then I might as well use it. So, like always, I head to mangadex to look for this panel... Except... It's not there... The line... The line's not there... But I remember... I remember something about "the only one to disrupt/disturb my thinking/mind"... Where... I didn't imagine that right? I mean I read a lot of google translated Chinese fanfics but... I REMEMBERED reading that line... In a manga... In English... ON mangadex...

This is where I should mentioned, that if you weren't around for the Great Collapse of Mangadex. Then... Well, so there was this period of time where mangadex just DIDNT EXIST. Bc there was some cyber?? Attack??? On the site??? I can't fully remember. But it like wiped out most of the site. The mangas r just, gone. So mangadex fixed it. It took a while bc they figured "might as well revamp our site and system". And they did. And it's great. And it looks beautiful now, even more than before.

But see. The line I remembered? Yea... Yea that was from before The Collapse. And mangadex let multiple translation groups submit their translations. So u can read diff translations of diff group, see how things are interpreted differently... And... I remembered this one, that I posted here up top, but I remembered there was another. One that had The Line.

And it was driving crazy so, like usual, I asked my cn friend. But my cn friend (why am I still saying that, it's @beingvv , that's the friend) has A Life, and isn't always online, and we love that for ppl. So. I'm still crazy. I can't trust my own damn mind and memory bc why tf do I remember something that isn't there (happened before btw, but that has nothing to do with this).

Luckily, I have a friend who knows jp. UNLUCKILY, I don't have the jp raws and it's from chapter 300 and we are in the thousands. So, I went back to losing my mind. Until I found it again, and realized. Heyyyyyyy there's a whole ass ANIME. So like the baggage my dear friend had the misfortune to be saddled with, I went to find the ep, timestamped it, yelled begged them for help.

This is where I lose my damn mind the first time in the recent weeks.

(thank you my dear piglet, u don't even go here but u tolerate my insanity)

THIS. THIS WAS THE LINE. THATS WHAT I REMEMBERED.

So, I feel a little more sane (bc my mind didn't fabricate a memory again) and also A LOT more insane bc WHY WOULD U SAY THAT, HAKUBA SAGURU 😭😭😭 WHY WOULD U SAY IT LIKE THAT 😭😭😭

In any case I feel validated. Told beingvv about my discoveries (for whenever they come back) not that they need it cn fandom already got the correct translation. And finished writing my fic.

And then Saguru's comeback was announced.

So I've been losing my shit for 3 days on twitter, looking at all my fave KR and JP accounts and the things they say.

And then someone dug up and old tweet thread that talked about this panel. Specifically, op talked about the nuance in the word choice used.

Here's the og thread if anyone wants to read or Google translate it urself.

(mkppyong my love, bless you)

Bc mkppyong talked to a jp acquaintance about ??? Uh I dunno just language I guess. POINT IS. They pointed out that gosho used specific words/phrases that really wasn't needed if all he wanted to say was "the only one who drives me crazy/mad." But he did used them. It's specifically "his thoughts/mind" that's being driven crazy. And that if he wants to just talk about Saguru's mind being disrupted/confused, then there's rly no need to use the words "go crazy"

And then they wrote out a whole symbolism about clocks and saguru and being broken down/disrupted and I lost my shit over the clock symbolism, sue me 😭😭😭

I don't think I'm making sense anymore bUT WAIT, THERES MORE, THE FINAL BLOW

THE THAI TRANSLATION

This is where I expose myself more than I ever want to, but here's a fact. I'm thai

Here's a second fact. I'm SHIT at Thai. I've been bad at this language before I got good at English. My Thais as good as an elementary student. Every time I understand difficult words I get confused bc where did I know THAT from???

In any case, point is, I saw that tweet, read the text, immediately understood it and began losing my shit all over again... And then I doubted... Bc like, I'm not good with this lang anymore... Maybe im understanding it wrong? So I look up Google.

Google: คลุ้มคลั่ง just means go crazy

So I was like, damn guess I'm wrong, read too much into this. BUT SEE BC I LIVE HERE I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARENT A DISGRACE. And so my friend said:

SO WELCOME TO MY THIRD ROUND OF INSANITY.

HAKUBA SAGURU WHY WOULD U SAY THIS SHIT IN FRONT OF LIKE NINE OTHER PPL 😭😭😭😭😭 BOY WHY R U TELLING THEM UR OBSESSED 😭😭😭 youre driving ME crazy 😭😭😭

So. Here we are. At the end. I have no idea how tf I'm supposed to end this post. I'VE been obsessed for 3 days straight. I don't have a lot of braincell left in me (there weren't any to begin with). I don't have a statement to wrap this post up in a nice little bow. Go make ur own conclusion I dunno.

But I would not have been losing my shit over this stupid panel for a month if it wasn't for the fact that eng translation was missing a pretty crutial thing in what Saguru said. I don't know if this was a mistranslation or a misunderstanding or something, but the English translation was lacking. And I love and have always been thankful and grateful to the ppl who worked hard to translate mangas in their free time, and do it all for free, bc I haven't had any real way to rent/borrow mangas from renting shops/libraries in years. So this was one of the only ways I can read mangas. But, even as I checked the raw panel with Google lens just now, even google translate it as "the only one to make my thoughts go round." No where was there any mention of "case" and "solving." So that's just, multiple accounts of ppl who knows jp, including native jp speakers, all saying that this panel is Saguru saying "the only one to drive me crazy". And man I rly hope this doesn't make me come off as ungrateful or like shitting on the translation team, I'm rly not. But yea. Uh. The translation was wrong. And I remembered that there used to be a diff eng translation. And it led me to go to all this trouble and journey to find out what was actually said. And here we are, at the end.

The only one who could disrupt Saguru's thinking.

The only one who could disturb Saguru's mind.

The one whose sole existence drives him mad.

The only one to make his mind obsess over till he's driven to madness.

Or to use the symbolism mkppyong wrote: the only one to break down the clock, the precise and accurate mechanism, that is Hakuba Saguru.

[setoronini]

PLEASE READ IN FULL!!

Before making assumptions or stuff about me or what i like /gen

Would be appreciated!! ^.^

My name is Setoroni! He/Him + Neos that can be found in my Pronouns Page above

Actually all my info is in my Pronouns page. Well most of it

PLEASE TELL ME IF I DO SOMETHING WRONG I AM PROBABLY MISINFORMED OR STUPID

I talk too much. Or tyepe whateve

> TAGS

- Main Tags

#★ = Fav Posts, usually used for reblogs

#seto art = My art tag!

#seto translations = Mainly for @.expungedagalungagoo 's @.ask-unpleasant blog when I feel like being helpful

#backstage textposts = Explanatory. I talk.

#seto shitpost = similar to textpost but this is me doing whatever and acting like I'm talking to a close friend

#seto status = I update random people on the Internet on my wellbeing

- Misc Tags

#artfight creatives = Anything AF related

↓extra info under cut↓

My ssona..

His name is my name (seto) be nice

Why do i use chat and type in blue and white?

Because ican (scratches an itch in my brain and nice to look at)

Socials

Yah...

Only posting art on Artfight N Tumblr

↑ Yah if u see like 15 stars Thats Me Im Very Specific About It Being 15 Stars

I recommend good music trust. I have 1500 song playlist and their all vocaloid or old rock

Im mainly reposting on this becayse i post my art rarely.kinda. because im a BABY. But eh. usually repost infected art n stuff...

≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

RAT LIST

(friend list on tumblr in order of chaos or something)

(go follow them)

@.kinoko-draws

My rat child that i hate so much i have known them too long

@.expungedagalungagoo

I found them and now we are friends its called telekinesis i think or something like that its magic.

@.fymo-blogs

Translation stealer

Do not test me

/playful

TBA as i get to run around with free access to the world

≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

some things to note ≈∞≈

I'm not diagnosed with anything but Anxiety due to my current situation, but I don't care if you make jokes toward me about (an)other disorder(s) (trust me I am way too used to it to gaf and find it a bit funny)

I will usually be online most of the time, and if I'm not I'm probably asleep or doing chores

I have a Disabled uncle with Epilepsy and Intellectual Disability (plus other issues) that I take care of, please take that into account

I take behaviors from people around me/i interact with

I cannot pay attention to multiple fandoms at once and stay heavily focused at one at a time (currently that'd be Regretevator)

I'm a Minor, mid-late teens

I have writing issues so I might use tonetags and misspell often!!

My brain physically starts crashing sometimes be patient with my dumbass

Ill make a card one day with Patience....be patient...

≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

In reference to Ships :

I ship everything as long as it's legal and not weird as shit. If something exists i like it, if it doesn't i like it, most if not all ships will always be above "no opinion but i like it" or will be "never seen or havent thought much about it to have an opinion."

Plus im a really big polyam ship lover ← polyamorous person

WHERE THE HELL IS MY JEREMY X INFECTED X UNPLEASANT X LAMPERT X POOB X PEST ART. WHERE IT AT. WHERES MY TRASHED PARTY (™ (not really its fun to say)) AT.

I do enjoy ships with Infected more, but that's just because infected is my favorite and I project onto him too much.

^ any ship with the guys above this message is a win 4 me

In reference to my own Headcanons :

I dont push my hcs onto anyone, especially not with things like dynamics, sexualities, gender, etc. I'm the one who steals headcanons and projects onto my favs, and honestly a lot of people are super creative with their own headcanons.

Also I'm very fluid with my headcanons so I can't really state them? I do have genders and sexualities for some characters settled.

In reference to being Mutuals/Friends :

I literally classify anyone as a friend until proven otherwise*, If I am actually all friendly and comfy with you you are friend status. Which is everyone. Their mini-specifics in that but those aren't important everyone is a friend or higher if I interact/interacted with you

* proven otherwise in this situation meaning like basic dni criteria (?) (illegal stuff, in general being a weirdo /neg, not respecting other peoples boundaries). I am not good in agruments

[miriamundertale]

Yoshiru Konogi, the Hornybait writer who Fucking Gets it

thats right its time to get into henjotown

Due to the nature of my job working night shift at a hotel, I’ll often wind up going through the mangadex source on tachiyomi and just, peek at covers and titles (if i’m really feeling frisky, maybe the blurb written with it as well) to try and find something that loos like it’s going to be bad in an attempt to find something that’s at worst funny shlock or at best life changing (looking at you call of the night). About a year ago I stumbled across Shingeki no Eroko-san, (which i’m going to be shortening to Eroko from here out, partially for brevity and partially to get the aot heeby jeebies out of my system) a uh, very weird manga to put it mildly. to summarize its’ premise better than anilist does, Eroko is about a woman in her late 20’s, terminally online and very pathetically into high school boys, getting into a relationship with a high school boy.

by no means is it standout in writing, artistic quality, or really anything specific, except for the actual focus of the manga. while hearing the basic idea, you probably thought about 50000 other manga with if not the same then very similar premises, except while the focus of most of those is on the male lead, and framing it as his wish fulfillment, its very clear from the ground up the focus is entirely on Eruko (yes, that’s her name, yes that is the bit in the title too, they do not retire this bit) and her TEXTUALLY pathetic need to get dicked down by a highschooler. the wish being fulfilled is not a high school boy getting a weird horny older gf, its being a weird pervert online who posts constantly about smelling highschool boy pit getting everything you crave in life and having gay couples come and support you because your fight is like theirs. it is, unequivocally, shlock. it’s what I came here for. I think after reading all of her non doujin work (I did not feel like paying a translator to get a bunch of lucky star side character doujins translated and i think reading an AI translated version is arguably a worse experience than skimming it without reading) its probably the second most shining example of weird and fun garbage I’ve ever read.

anyways were ignoring Eroko for a bit and going straight to the series it span off of, and is arguably worse than, Henjo.

Hen na Joshi Kousei Amaguri Senko (2012-Present)

Henjo (Hen na Joshi Kousei Amaguri Senko), once again, is a very simple premise, this time leaning much more into the classic format by having the main heterosexual tension be a man in his mid 20’s and a 17, later freshly 18 year old high school girl. while the start is pretty evenly set as a general comedy with a bit of focus on the main girl being a weirdo, it very quickly sets the tone to be much more even-sided in its focus. rather than being entirely dedicated towards being wish fulfillment shlock for older men into high school girls, Henjo would much rather let both the men in their 20’s who are kinda cringe and weird but in a harmless way and the weirdo high school girls who think they could absolutely pull so good theyd make a college graduate commit statutory rape for them.

In other words, Henjo is hornybait schlock with express focus on maintaining intrest in both male and female weirdos, and thus elevates itself from the majority of the crowd. There is never a moment where it exists as a purely the male lead being sexually weird towards the female lead, any time where he’s acting like a weirdo sexually is immediately countered by overescalation by the female lead. romantic tension is not driven through misunderstanding of the advances of a character or misunderstanding something said by another, instead almost entirely being driven by the two constantly escalating weirdo horny shit at each other while both being unable to handle it being dished out to them.

Why not check out some of her other works on the way to Eroko? maybe this pattern of female focused ecchi (im not sure if this is the correct words for it, multiple things classify both Henjo and Eroko as seinen but it feels a lot more like ecchi comedy to me) isnt an actual trend and only exists due to Henjo and Eroko sharing the same universe.

SE (2013-2015)

while younger than Henjo in creation, SE felt like a good place to start. it both wouldn’t have the growing pains of a recently published author still finding her stride, and would be a good template of a finished story by Konogi. It features a similar setup to Henjo insofar as the main character being into a girl whos very weird, and inexplicably winding up working at the same job as her. The differences, aside from the obvious in setting and character design, is the main girl being arguably more deranged, the setting being an office (specifically, an office designing a Smart Fleshlight) rather than general handyman work, and the main boy being much more of a self insert style character. I think while Eroko is definitely for the failwoman audience, and Henjo is a lot more balanced, SE focuses a lot more on being for the guys who are into high schoolers but makes the high school girl incredibly weird to kinda balance things out. yeah, a lotta guys are weird and horny for high school girls, but not a lot would go for the kinda girl who begs her employees to surveil on the main character due to her fetishistic obsession with him. SE really does deliver on a lot of the same charms as Konogi’s other works, though it has a really lackluster ending and one uhhh… Interesting plot development.

yeah...

Now, before i get to the ending, i do want to talk about the MS subplot, because i think it’s a uhh, weird tonal choice? its a moment of complete and utter whiplash where they reveal that the main girl had to go to the hospital due to her MS progressing worse. the jokey romcom vibes about working in developing The Smart Fleshlight are killed dead on a level almost equal to the power of Loss, only barely surviving due to the next reveal being the main girls utterly insane shrine to the main boy and begging one of her subordinates to take a video of the mainboy masturbating or snap a picture of his cock. while the inclusion is weird and feels out of nowhere, Konogi does a solid job somehow not having everything weighed down by the death sentence given to one of the MCs, through the masterful maneuver of just ignoring it and forgetting it happened.

The Ending of SE, is honestly, the weakest part. which says a lot in a manga that has the main girl have MS for literally no reason. they eventually reveal the finished Smartlight, main boy is the person presenting, he gets a boner and it makes the presentation go viral. everyone goes wild for the Smart Fleshlight and we get a timeskip, ending on seeing the main duo happily married and main girl pretty obviously playing a more subservient part in the company now that she is a Housewife.

This sucks.

I really think the dilution of a character whos described as insanely smart, eccentric, and passionate to the housewife of the known less competent man is such lame shit and is almost antithetical to a lot of the stuff that Konogi does. With as weak as her overall story writing can be sometimes, she’s excelled at making a characters traits obvious and something that will not be changed without reason, and her viewing marriage as something to change someone to that degree really is a shame.

Well, I sure hope this isnt foreshadowing for her first work!

Comic☆Studio (2010-2012)

Comic☆Studio starts in the Konogi special, aka a chance encounter with a twist at a new job, but this time is set as a wannabe mangaka doing assistant work for a mangaka working on a generic popular Shonen manga (maybe its a reference to something specific, but I’ve graduated high school so I don’t really read Shonen) as a moderate change of pace. The big differences with Comic☆Studio over SE or anything in the Henjoverse is that the main females design leans far more into loli designs while also avoiding anything with the High school girl/College age man dynamic. Really I think the power imbalance here is the most fascinating opening that Konogi has done. while her other works are very standard with a light mixup in the fact that the main protagonist is subservient in their job to the love interest, Comic☆Studio has things fairly different. Comicman is also subservient to his love interest at work, except the manga expressly leans on it in multiple ways to establish the two’s relationship. he is by all means set up as a perfect malewife for the main girl, with multiple moments dedicated to expressing how helpful of a cook he is, how nice it is to have him help her with her schedule. moreover, none of it feels expressly infantilizing or like he’s pitying her. he’s taking on a more active and “in charge” role between the two but its very clear that she’s the one with more control than him, and in a way its very refreshing.

Comic☆Studio, like SE, also has sex happen! very shocking, but while SE uses it as the assumed culmination of a relationship and drops it out of really nowhere, Comic☆Studio does some work on establishing some real eroticism.

these panels contain the most erotic framing i've seen from her.

I was honestly taken aback by how much more the actual lewd elements of her work were actually lewd. I read SE‘s sex scene with the interest of eating a saltine, and henjoverse stuff has nothing really feeling sexual at all, but fuck Comic☆Studio does a comparatively great job making the two’s sexual tension feel real.

If you were paying attention to the foreshadowing, the next paragraph is likely pretty obvious. the ending of Comic☆Studio also sucks, in a similar situation where konogi forsakes the actual interesting parts of the female character in order to set up an idyllic tradwife situation for her, with the same “oh well shes still doing her job” as a bandaid on the whole situation. it sucks. For Eroko and Henjo‘s sake, I really hope she’s outgrown this pattern.

Speaking of!

Shingeki no Eroko-san: Hen na Oneesan wa Danshikousei to Nakayoku Naritai (2019-Present)

Eroko is probably the most buckwild series Konogi has ever done, which is saying something when SE exists. Eroko actively exists in a world where the act of a college aged man dating a high schooler is, while not illegal, kinda cringe but the act of a late 20’s woman being desperately horny for the pits of a 17 year old boy is laudable and on the same tier as gay rights. its a struggle worth fighting for. she may face discrimination but those people are in the wrong. her twitter account where she tweets about how she needs a highschool bf to wear her like a hoodie is popular in universe. a gay woman actively stands up for her against someone calling her “kinda cringe.” not against like, “jesus girl you should at least be within the same decade” types of harassment, but against someone calling her kinda creepy and weird. the high school boy’s father openly supports their eventual marriage. she has a shrine to him with a handmade doll. Eroko is horrible. you should read Eroko.

What now?

Now, I think its important to run down some stuff about Konogi herself, because while looking into her i did find out some stuff that is pretty on paper “cringe,” as the kids would say.

yep, the cursed hexagon.

She is, in fact, involved in NFTS. While I didn’t do a large amount of research partially because I think if I were to touch opensea for too long i would develop heretofore unknown diseases but moreso because it feels gross trying to unpeel personal things like that, I feel like I’ve gotten a good glimpse into her involvement and reasonings. the first piece of the puzzle to understand is Yoshiwo Konogi. While I can’t tell if their relationship is familial, romantic, platonic, or strictly professional (the most i can find is something from 2018 saying he’s her Chief Technical officer and some tweets implying cooking dinner together) and more importantly I DONT want to know, I can say that he’s had a very large impact on her work and her as well. The easiest example is the multiple different twitter bots they have, which, no notes. I love these harmless bots like this so much and I’m glad he got to set some up with her work. The other connections I feel are both tenuous and extremely obvious considering. around the same time that Yoshiwo got into into NFTS, Yoshiru also got into them too, producing a handful of signed NFTS that got bought and basically ignored about two years ago. everything else credited to her account is 14 experiments in AI generated art of the main girl from Henjo (some of which were given away in some sort of sweepstakes she held a while back, but most are just sitting in her wallet) and her twitter profile picture. while she is somewhat active in the scene, with her last recorded transaction being in august, but that seemed like a one time thing in a field of not giving a fuck anymore. her delve into AI work seems to have preclipsed the current boom, being about two years old, but it also was really not that deep. On top of that, this really isn’t getting into the fact that from my understanding, in general the overall cultural view about NFTS, AI, and whatever tech grift of the year is going around is normally at least half a year behind or so in japan, so it feels like actively being upset about this tier of NFT involvement is silly. sometimes a bitch wants a hexagonal profile picture, I guess.

Closing Thoughts

I have done a pathetic amount of work into a mangaka who likely wouldn’t get this much scrutiny and frankly is undeserving of it. not in a pejorative way, but because frankly ya girl does ecchi comedy, she doesn’t need to be given the same scrutiny as works like Berserk or March Comes in Like a Lion but- *checks phone* what

what do you mean fifth longest currently running series

in the same fucking magazine???

Nevermind, you have a moral requirement to read and share both Eroko and Henjo as much as possible.

[awitnesstocorruption]

Its live and ongoing; cultural change slow but constant and pervasive. The media reports tend to be argumentative political and furtively religious; authors of media articles become participants in the Pageant of Falsehood often thought of as The Way Life Is, tell your lies as homage to the Devil and in return he'll share that Glamour of Sin with you.

I dont know much about the movie & television entertainment culture, but apparently if CNN online is to be believed a lady actress or entertainer with an 8 yrs old crossdressing son is complaining about negative comments regarding her sons behavior. Wouldnt it be easier to jus put him on hormones and auickly stop his upcoming development into a pubescent boy? Isnt that what the article is leading up to? Otherwise why tease us readers with some purposeless news article? Circus freak shows are a thing of the past; Christian or pagan ideas about the binary gender aspect of human beings are private and the connection between having a vagina and wearing a dress is less of a reflection of human nature than a whim or choice.

I firmly believe that a boy developing and hrowing needs a human father figure who is sane and healthy and who lives with him; Yes I do fear for the future of children who have become the unfortunate pawns and toys of a political Rainbow which allows freaks like "Perez Hilton" types to play daddy. Its a fucked up country

But a caveat. This is from my own life; from my own memories; and its most certainly something which is crucially important to be aware of: human free will and the aspect of Love and character. I was just as transgender as that kid of Megan Fox but not public anout it; there was no Internet or social media and I apparently, to all eyes which were looking, part of a nuclear family with a biological mother and a male heterosexual step-father, but the step-father was obliged per religious differences of identity to abstain from trying to become an authority figure over me, the first born male. We were living on my fathers parents property, in a house they owned and rented to my mother. My father, my paternal heritage was Roman Catholic and my father dird in a drunk driving accident when I was a month beyond one year old, on Thanksgiving Day I think. At least that was what I was told until the person who appeared to be my genetic mother, a human possessed perhaps by the satanic actors of a group I no longer respect or believe, a spanish fraud of a group named opus dei became involved in my life, and then she claimed to tell me what she claimed was a truth hidden all my life

and so what Im attempting to explain without devolving into a sequence of insults directed at my abusers, Authority and the position of being a father figure to a boy or young man has a selection process involved; so for me, believe it or not, its your call, I found an acceptable father figure through a translated book found in a store at a shopping mall. Thats the reductionist account. It was the Confessions of Augustine of Hippo, son of St Monica. A statue representing him stands near the papal altar at the Basilica of St Peter on Vatican Hill in Rome. And later I also discovered the existence of a public figure who spoke my language, the only one I know, and he spoke it well. He had founded a magazine and had a PBS Network TV Show in which, to my amazement, he was free to be who he was. And oh boy what a delight and pleasure for someone like me. Its really ok to be American and to not be interested or even acknowledge cultural pursuits which mean nothing to you. Its okay to be yourself and enjoy friends and the culture which you like and fuck football and fuck democrats and planned parenthood types and Gore Vidal types etc etc etc

[sugihana-trans]

“Aokute, Itakute, Moroi” Chapter One

So the publisher actually released the first chapter of "Aokute, Itakute, Moroi" online for free as a trial read, so I thought it would be alright for me to share it here.

DISCLAMER: This is not the official English translation. I did it myself, and it`s not for profit.

Source

“We became adults without forgetting that season.”

All actions has the possibility of causing discomfort to the other person.

That’s what I’ve thought for the past 18 years right up until high school graduation, and have decided to make it my life’s motto as a freshman in University. In other words, don’t get too close to people and try not to speak out against someone else’s opinion. Doing so will reduce the chances of me offending someone, which then reduces the chances of me getting hurt by someone who was offended.

That’s why when I first met Akiyoshi Hisano at the University, I thought that there really are people in the world who are this presumptuous, foolish and slow, and secretly ridiculed her inside.

It was the second Monday of my first year at University. After we’ve picked our courses, we were to begin regularly attending classes starting this week. On a day when college students are supposed to be at their most motivated, I was sitting by myself at the end of the auditorium, not belonging to any circles (*clubs) or joining any freshman recreational activities. In my own way, I wanted a quiet college life.

It was 3rd period, General Education, Peace and Conflict Studies I‌ think. I was flipping through the textbook while waiting, when the professor eventually went up to the podium quietly, and then the room with only freshmen inside became quiet and solemn.

However, during a class which requires an unexperienced 90 minutes of concentration, the students’ minds naturally started relaxing. A buzzing auditorium; I wondered if the professors are already used to it every year as the class proceeded without paying extra attention.

I was probably also zoning out since I’m the type who, in the first place, couldn’t even keep my concentration during classes in highschool. So being in this 90 mins class which seemed to go on forever under a fine spring weather, I never thought I’ll spend the next four years without ever getting rid of that sensation.

The class immediately got boring. I looked outside the window at the end of my seat. The laughter of students without classes and the sound of birds were fusing together with the sunlight.

Then disrupting such a beautiful moment, while I was resting my chin on one hand and my head was down, I heard that voice.

“Excuse me, can I ask a question?”

A loud and lively voice, echoing in the quiet auditorium. Everyone woke up and looked around for the owner of the voice. I was just as interested, but I didn’t have to look around. Because I heard the voice coming from a girl who was one seat away from my seat to the right. Stealing a glance, the girl was sitting up straight with her right hand raised up towards the ceiling as if showing off her own courteousness.

I wasn’t listening to the lecture so I‌ thought the professor had asked for questions. Beyond the girl’s strong gaze however, “I will accept your questions later,” the elderly professor just prompted her to lower her hand with a bored face. Watching her carefully with one eye, I could see that although the girl slowly lowered her hand, she showed such a dissatisfied expression that it must’ve been seen from the podium as well. When the professor said, “But it’s fine now too,” the girl’s expression became lively and she expressed her gratitude in a voice which reached the whole auditorium.

If you think about it, a girl displaying an unthinkable idea to ordinary students, discussing with the professor, the University having such an amazing person, it could’ve been an interesting memory for me as a college student. Then, I’m sure it would’ve just ended there.

But it didn’t.

“I don’t think violence is necessary in this world.”

She started her questioning with those words, as if borrowing a phrase from someone virtuous, like something you learned in a moral class at elementary school. It was kind of embarrassing to hear.

Is this what you call an idealist? After listening to her talk, the professor didn’t bother hiding his scorn and said, “Everyone knows it would be nice if it’s like that.” From inside the auditorium, I heard small voices saying, “wow,” “what was that,” “ouch.” I didn’t imagine them.

The girl shut up after the humiliating conversation with the professor, and even though everyone seems to entirely ignore her existence, the class moved on while still wearing that atmosphere of having ridiculed someone.

I sent her a look again after that, not because I was interested in what someone who interrupts a class to announce their personal opinion would look like. Secretly, it was just funny to see the sullen face of the person who got shot down after making that stupid speech.

So when I glanced at her expression sitting sideways, it wasn’t disappointing, but I was surprised. Because she had a hurt look on her face. I turned towards the front like I’ve been shocked.

I’ve seen similar behavior from other people like her in junior high and highschool before, with that same thought pattern. At any rate, they’re the type of people who only believe in their own words, can’t read their surroundings, and gets taken for an idiot. That’s why it was unexpected when she didn’t show a bad mood from being rejected which is typical for that kind of human being.

Even if I didn’t want to get involved, I’m sure I was interested in her face at that time.

Nevertheless, because that interest was only at the same level as hearing some strange music downtown, it didn’t matter to me anymore by the time the chime rang.

I submitted the one-word evaluation questionnaire confirming my attendance and left my seat. I didn’t have any 4th period classes on Mondays so I decided to head to the cafeteria for a late lunch.

There were already people here at the campus dining room. In a place where I’m still getting used to a new environment, I got the daily set meal on a tray, took a seat by the window in a table for four people, placed my hands together then raised the miso soup to my mouth.

“Hey, are you alone?”

A voice that has nothing to do with you tends to just blend in with the other background noises. Naturally at that time, I didn’t think I was being called so I put a piece of fried white fish in my mouth. It made a nice crunching sound as I bit into it before accidentally dropping it back on the plate in surprise when my shoulder was suddenly poked.

I raised my face while still holding my chopsticks, and was once again surprised. It was the cringey girl I sat next to in the previous class, standing in front of me now with a tray of cutlet curry.

“Hey, are you alone?”

She repeated her question, which made me realized the words from before were definitely aimed at me.

“Oh, uh.”

I didn’t understand why I was being spoken to. There was no need to lie though, so I nodded for the time being. She showed her teeth while smiling, and sat down with her tray in front of me.

“I sat next to you in the previous class. I’m also by myself, so is it alright if I join you?”

Seriously? I thought. Aside from that demeanor which she uses to express her opinions in class, I’m afraid she might also have too much useless self-confidence.

What I couldn’t reject was one of my life’s themes. More than avoiding people, I often put more weight on not going against the opinion of the other person, and that was how I felt on that day. Nothing else.

“Y, yes.”

I used formal speech considering the possibility that she might be a senior. I thought that auditorium only had freshmen, but I could actually be her junior from the way she speaks so casually. And what causes her to suddenly try and have a meal with someone she doesn't even know like it’s normal might not only be because of her cringey personality. I wondered if she was actually a senior student who just have a lot of spare time in her college life.

“You can speak casually, you’re a first-year right?”

“Eh?”

“Huh, are you perhaps a senior?”

Seeing her stick out her little tongue and widen her eyes in surprise gave me the feeling that she was indeed a cringey person. It would’ve been nice to run away, but I didn’t want to lie so I just shook my head.

“No, I’m a first-year”

“Ah! I’m glad! I ended up freaking out, rushing to start off my college life.”

She placed a hand on her chest, and expressed her relief exaggeratedly with a breath. I wondered if that was her “rushing” in the previous class.

“Oh, I apologize for being so sudden, but I still don’t know anyone yet. I was feeling anxious when I saw you, and since we sit next to each other in class, I came to talk to you. I’m sorry, were you bothered?”

I was bothered.

“No, it’s alright.”

“Ahh thats good, um, I’m Akiyoshi Hisano.”

A self-introduction right away, I thought, a person with high self-esteem.

“I’m in the Department of Politics, are you as well?”

“No, I’m in the Department of Commerce.”

“I see. Can I ask your name?”

A question I can’t refuse.

“Ah, it’s Tabata.”

“Tabata-kun, although it’s sudden, it’s nice to meet you.”

Akiyoshi bowed her head. Her trimmed hair falling around her shoulders. I also bowed my head along with her. Whenever an unexpected event occurs, it’s usually better to just go along with it.

“By the way, what is Tabata-kun’s first name?”

“……Uhh.”

I hesitated to speak. It’s not like she did anything wrong by asking this very common question.

It’s a personal matter, but I hated my first name. If it was a handsome guy for example, he might be proud of having a name that’s too beautiful. On the other hand, if the gap between that beautiful name and the person’s inferior looks are too far apart, it might be funny. I was hesitant to say my own name which was halfway between the two and didn’t suit me. But of course, I didn’t have the courage to ignore questions from people.

“Kaede……”

And of course, this complex didn’t really matter from the perspective of the other person.

“Tabata Kaede-kun. An area in a rice field?”

“Ah, the edge.”

Akiyoshi took out a cellphone from her shoulder bag, played around with it and then put it back in her bag. The bag’s strap was digging into her shoulders.

“I made a note of it~”

With squinted eyes, she smiled showing her teeth, picked up her spoon and took a bite of the cutlet curry like it was a long-awaited treat. After seeing that, I looked away and went back to eating the fried fish on my plate again.

“I got so hungry in class, my belly was rumbling. Did you maybe hear it?”

“Oh, no.”

I didn’t care.

“That’s good. I usually eat a lot more than this, but not as much as Tabata-kun.”

“Quite healthy.”

“A habit from when I played soccer in highschool. I wonder if I should eat less now though.”

In other words, it seems she didn’t come from a strong school that emphasized wins and losses. Deciding to reduce her eating means she probably doesn’t intend to play soccer in University.

“Tabata-kun, do you play any sports? Oh, sorry for asking so many questions.”

Considerate, or at least someone who tries to be. Taking into account what happened in class before, I had imagined she was the type of person who will rudely invade someone’s space, but she seems to be treading carefully for the time being.

“No, it’s alright. I didn’t do much sports when I was in highschool.”

“Culture club?”

“Going-home club.”

“Are you not planning on joining anything in University too?”

“Maybe, seems like it. Ah, how about Akiyoshi-san?”

“I’m thinking of joining something, but there are so many circles including the unofficial ones that I’m a bit lost. I am a bit interested in something like a simulated United Nations though.”

“A simulated UN?”

“Yes yes, it’s amazing,” Akiyoshi responded, using that introduction as a platform to explain the simulated United Nations to me.

To summarize Akiyoshi’s story, it seems like the simulated UN was a club activity that tries to imitate the United Nations, where people who are interested in international issues gather together as representatives of various countries. I see, I was starting to understand her personality a little bit more.

“What do you think of it, Tabata-kun?”

“It feels like a difficult TRPG.”

There was no reason to denounce or affirm this simulated UN so I thought of saying something that doesn’t do either one. This time though, it was Akiyoshi’s turn to repeat my words, “TRPG?” In a similar flow as before, I couldn’t help but to explain TRPG, trying to keep the concept as simple as possible.

“I think it’s similar to a game where like, everyone kinda takes on a role, and so on.”

“Eh! Sounds interesting! I would love to be the hero.”

As if imitating a sword, Akiyoshi held the curry spoon in front of me. I wasn’t expecting her to react that happily, so I was surprised.

“You’re right, the simulated UN might actually be something like that. If you’re interested, would you like to check it out or join together?”

“Eh, um, no, sorry.”

I refused after being invited, and whether or not I looked sorry didn’t matter because I didn’t even want to be sorry.

That being said, declining her offer slightly went against my life’s theme, but of course, she wouldn’t know anything about my inner feelings. With a smile, she said “Hmm, it’s completely alright. I’m sorry about all of this so suddenly,” and placed her hands together in front of her chest. She seems to understand the merits and demerits of her own personality though, which gave me a good impression. Just a little bit.

“No, um, personally, it’s not that I‌ dislike you.”

“Really? I’m glad. I’m the sort of person who gets easily charmed.”

I thought so too, but she didn’t look like the type to care about that because of her cheerfulness, so the relief she showed was surprising. I also figured girls like her tend to know their place, and just follow along according to how the rest of her group feels.

I don’t know if it’s because I said I‌ didn’t dislike her, but it seemed to have made Akiyoshi feel better. This time, she didn’t stop and asked me a lot of questions. I‌ answered to some extent, and got her information in exchange.

Originally from Ibaraki prefecture, active enrollment, living alone, applied for a cram school part-time job, likes shounen manga and Asian Kung-Fu Generation.

She seems like a regular person if you just listen to this information, but because that behavior in class was my first impression, I unfortunately saw everything about her through a cringey filter. And I‌ didn’t bother fixing that warped viewpoint. I‌ thought it wasn’t necessary.

“Then, see you later.”

The classroom for my next class was far so I stood up first and waved at her. “Yeah later” she replied, though I didn’t actually think there would be a “later.” I’m not being a cruel person.

People like Akiyoshi are the type who can talk to anyone, and will soon find someone else better to talk to while forgetting about the person they used in the meantime. I‌’ve been used in similar situations several times before, and understand it’s something that can’t be helped.

That’s why I didn’t think I’ll have a “later” with Akiyoshi, and thought it unnecessary to understand her properly.

However.

I‌ didn’t have to wait for next Monday. During 4th period on Friday, in a classroom fit for 50 people, sitting with a good posture was Akiyoshi who waved her hand at me as I‌ entered from the front of the classroom. She was sitting at the very back by the window, and moved closer next to me.

“Good morning. It’s been awhile, Tabata-kun.”

“Uh, yeah, so you were taking this class too.”

“Right, I‌ also didn’t realize.”

Anyways, I sat down while thinking whether Akiyoshi’s friends were also coming. I‌ wondered whether I‌ should’ve moved.

But i‌t seems I‌ didn’t need to be that considerate.

Akiyoshi happily talked to me about getting that cram school part-time job until the chime rang. It looked like she didn’t make any other acquaintances around her.

When the class started, Akiyoshi stopped chatting and looked straight ahead. I wasn’t as serious, but I‌ also turned to face forward and listen to the lecture. Vaguely in my mind, with this person called Akiyoshi, I‌ thought about whether a “later” existed with her.

I didn’t have to think about it after all. About an hour after the class started, I‌ was able to learn one of the most significant reason amongst my many reasons.

I‌ heard a voice.

“Excuse me, can I ask a question?”

This time as well, I didn’t have to search for the owner of that voice. Seriously? I thought. Once again, I‌ was next to the person but this time, I knew that voice.

I‌ looked to the side, and Akiyoshi was raising her hand just like that time.

The professor was kinder to Akiyoshi compared to the previous one. “Oh, alright. You paid for tuition so you’re a part of this class. What is it?” he asked, forgiving her disruption.

“Thank you very much.”

I could guess what Akiyoshi was going to say after, but I‌ regretted making that prediction when it came true.

With child-like idealism, she spoke with a voice that echoed throughout the classroom, once again posing her own personal opinions as questions.

I didn’t secretly ridicule her this time. However, I‌ was stunned. Although it was just a little bit, I‌ had thought she was a normal person back in the cafeteria.

But I‌ wasn’t the only one who was surprised. From somewhere, I‌ heard something unbelievable.

“How many times is it now?” they said.

I understood what that meant, and felt dread.

No way, is this person doing it in other classes as well……?

I‌ never thought I’d have to change my perception on Akiyoshi.

She wasn’t a cringey person, she was bad news.

Someone I shouldn’t get involved with.

I‌ pretended to take the class seriously, and didn’t try to look at the face of this crazy person sitting next to me. I see, so that’s why no one approached her and she talked to me as if we`re friends. In other words, compared to me, the others were more vigilant towards this dangerous person.

What the heck, will it be like this from now on? I‌ started thinking of ways to escape, glancing sideways at Akiyoshi who was being rebuked by the professor, now wearing a bitter smile just like the previous professor.

For the moment, I’ve decided to just simply run away. I stood up as soon as class ended, submitted my evaluation questionnaire which I’ve already written during class, and left without seeing Akiyoshi. This should be a temporary relief. Next Monday when I’ll have to meet her again for class, I’ll go in just before it begins and sit right away, and do the same with the class just now. While doing that, Akiyoshi should forget all about me. I mean, there are so many people here in the University.

I didn’t see a reason why it had to be me.

Despite all that, I didn`t understand why she would run and follow after me.

~~~

[pommegranatte]

Yo hetalia literally has the phrase "axis powers" in the title, as in the Nazi germany-japan-italy trifecta that existed in WWII. I understand that some people need a place to go to, but the actual Nazi show does not seem like a good choice

Hey there. I can see why you’d say that but i just don’t agree. I’m not sure i can articulate this very well but I’ll try. People are treating this show like it’s the nazi propaganda hour show. It’s really...not. It’s a relatively stupid show that from what i remember is about 5-10 mins per episode. It’s got...questionable things to say about certain subjects but that’s kind of all i remember. Anyways, my main point kind of isn’t hetalia (i haven’t seen it since i was like 15). My main point is that no matter what the media is, it does not justify making fun of or bullying or whatever anyone. I believe people should let others be into whatever it is they like and not try to tell them what they should or shouldn’t like. You do not think it is a good choice whicnis perfectly fine. But to someone else, it’s what they like. I’m not going to tell them what to watch. That’s on them. And I’m certainly not about to make fun of them for liking it. I think if people want to say “don’t make fun of people” and then turn around and find something to make fun of them for what is even the point of saying it in the first place, you know? You never know why someone is into whatever it is. You don’t even need to know why. If they are into something “weird” and they act in a way that is actively dangerous to others then by all means thats the time to step in (not by bullying though, there are other ways to affectively get things done). But random ppl online liking some anime about countries? Who cares? Yes it is axis powers. It’s ww2. So? There’s plenty of games and media about these things. I think people know that nazis are bad (well, besides nazis lmao). Calling it the “actual nazi show” is such a stretch. It’s really not. I just think...this is all blown out of proportion. Because the real meat of that post boils down to “i dislike this show bc of how it depicts certain things. Anyone who likes it is therefore an acceptable target to Harass.” And that’s the part that i just don’t understand how anyone can agree with. An unrealistic depiction of some events in ww2? Being acted out by the anthropomorphised version of countries? That is mostly dumb shows? For goodness sake’s, england is a fucking wizard. I’m not sure how that translates to “actual nazi show.” Maybe I’m missing something. Idk. Do i think people into “problematique” media should be harassed? No! I legitimately do not care what it is because i don’t know WHy the person likes it. I know people who ARE into ww2 and guns and shit. And people would totally harass or bully them if given the chance. But why? Just because they are interested in these things? Because they may find certain aspects of a war interesting to learn about? Because the mechanisms that make guns worl fascinates them? What’s bad about that? Is it because we associate these things with people who harm others? Why is taking an interest in something equal to being part of the group doing harm? That doesn’t make sense to me. You can be into something and be totally divorced from the majority of people who are usually associated with it. Take me for example. I am into what people assume is “hippy stoner shit.” Am i stoner? Nah, i can’t even be around the smell of weed. But I’m always associated with them because i like the culture of it. Just taking an interest in it automatically groups me in with it. I don’t that’s quite how it works. I think the issue is...complicated. There are certainly people who are interested in things and actively do harm to others. (Like ppl into radfem ideology usually tend to be radfems or terfs themselves). Somaybe i should probably say that the issue is alot more complicated than i have the eloquence to convey. Since i amrambling at this point.

Tldr; I’d probably say in short that you shouldn’t want to automatically harass or bully anyone solely because of their interests. You should at least try to understand WHY they are into something before making an assumption as there are a multitude of reasons for teir interesrs. And if that’s something you don’t want to do, that is fine. But unless you have evidence of someone doing or saying harmful, you really should just let others be. And even then, harassment is not the answer. Just don’t harass or bully people.

Now, first thank you for being kind and not being insulting. I hope i haven’t come off as too rude. I just really, really can’t tolerate bullying for any reason. I would appreciate it if i didn’t get anymore questions about this because I’m just going to keep saying the same thing. Thank you!

[saluqy]

But rats don’t fall in love.

First time reading Haruki Murakami. It was goood, planning to buy his another books but i remember that i’ve spent my money bought 6 books last month soooo i have to wait:) At first, i was curious about this books because of its title; Norwegian wood. The “norwegian wood” i knew so far was the beatles song. I like it though, so i searched it on twitter, it turns out many people recommended it as must read books by murakami.

In order to find it, i went to gramedia and they only have the bahasa versions, but when i read it.. man, it should have translated better!!! The bahasa versions of norwegian wood was just too bad until you can’t understand it. Thats why, i wasn’t bought it. Then, I searched the english versions on periplus.id (an online commercial bookstore, well idk for sure) and the only available type is vintage international which i would never bought because i simply hate the paper types (kertas koran:)) but i bought it right away just in case i can’t find the original type of norwegian wood, plus i really curious about this novel. I waited for 5 days until they send it to me.

It was good, really. I like Midori when Murakami describes her for the first time in this novel. I like how she always bravely said whatever going on in her mind.

“I was always hungry for love. Just once, I wanted to know what is like to get my fill of it— to be fed so much love I couldn’t take any more. Just once..”

I get it. There are times in a girl’s life when things like that are essential, indeed.

“Rats don’t fall in love,” Hatsumi said. She is in love with Nagasawa, and he loves her as well as long as I can guess, but he’s the kind of person who never going to let his feelings take over. I like Nagasawa as well, sometimes I can see myself in him. While Hatsumi is just a sad girl. She always waits for him, until she can’t take it anymore until her feelings are overwhelming, and took her own life because of it.

“It’s just not possible for one person to watch over another person for ever and ever. Sooner or later you’d get sick of me. You’d wonder what you were doing with your life, why you were spending all your time babysitting this woman.”

Naoko is just.. hard to explain. But I do understand her sometimes too.

It makes me wonder, how everything in this world is never constant, it will all changes. Changes are something that always going to happen as long as this world and humans still exist. It’s impossible for one person to love another person constantly without any changes. It’s also impossible if feelings are not changed, it is, always have. Changes are the only thing that is constant in this life, right?

[thebandcampdiaries]

The Robinsons - Beta Male

An irreverent punk rock jam that isn’t afraid of the genre’s pop-oriented side, while retaining ties with the grittier aspect of it as well.

The Robinsons is a punk rock band based in NYC - They are sharpening their teeth in the local scene, often playing basements and other events, unleashing the true spirit of punk rock music. Recently, they released a brand new single, “Beta Male,” which was actually published back in June.

The group’s roots actually have a cool “national” background. Initially, Jordan and Brandon started the band in Philadelphia and eventually moved to Orlando, where they enrolled bassist Phil while in college. Currently, they are testing out the Big Apple and its notorious music scene! If you know anything about punk rock, you probably realize NYC’s importance for the genre. The city is home to groundbreaking acts such as The Ramones or Television, and it is also home to legendary venues, such as the now-defunct CBGB.

Even if those glory days are long gone, the punk rock scene is still alive and well in NYC, and there is a lot of great independent movement throughout the 5 boroughs.

The sound of this release really makes me think of groundbreaking acts such as earlier Blink-182 or Fall Out Boy, making for massive guitar tones, melodic vocals and outstanding lyrics that have a lot of wit and grit, adding personality to the music in a very special way!

The first thing you might notice about this track is definitely the nice production value. The sound is actually very clear and crisp, giving the track a nice modern edge. However, the song is far from being overproduced, like a lot of the punk music coming out these days! The guitar tone for example, is fat, creamy and full, really reminiscent of the best guitar from artists like Green Day or The Offspring, along with hints of Foo Fighters. Although the chord structure of the song is relatively simply, it really allows enough room for the other instruments and the vocals to breathe, without overpowering the entire concept.

The song’s lyrics are the cherry on top and they are absolutely unadulterated: just listen for yourself and let the track do the rest of the talking!

The single is one in a long line of great songs for this band, and it really stands out as a fantastic milestone for them, as they consistently improve their production value and ability to write catchy, yet energetic and unapologetic songs. The guitar riffs are big and stadium-sized, accompanied by a fat drum arrangement. The drum grooves start out with a nice open downtempo groove, giving the song that big “headbanging” quality that is one of the best things about punk rock drops. Somewhere deeper into the song, the band picks up the pace and the drums really make for a direct and energetic rhythm, going for a faster feel. When the band stomps on the gas, they really make me think of earlier All Time Low, as well as Four Year Strong, with a sense of humor that is reminiscent of earlier Blink-182 (Think Dude Ranch / Enema of The State era)

One of the things that I really like about this track is also the condensed arrangement. Punk tracks should be direct and to the point, and this song really stays true to that template, clocking in at slightly under the mark of 3 minutes. Sure, that’s nothing wrong with longer songs, but what really got me into punk rock in the first place has always been the sheer and unadulterated energy of the genre, which is perfectly expressed in short bursts of blistering guitars, catchy vocal hooks, and amazing arrangements!

In conclusion, if you enjoy any punk rock that has been released anytime from the mid-90s to the mid-2000s, this one is going to be right up your alley. The Robinsons are true stalwarts of the authentic in-your-face spirit of real punk music.

Find out more about The Robinsons, and don’t miss out on Beta Male:

https://therobinsons.bandcamp.com/track/beta-male (Bandcamp)

https://open.spotify.com/album/0DLSR7fIBpd7X9mQdj7OF2 (Spotify)

https://youtu.be/Sja-9UzNOM8 (Youtube)

We also caught up with the band for an interview: keep reading for more!

I love how you manage to render your tracks so personal and organic. Does the melody come first, or do you focus on the beat the most?

Answer:

(Brandon): When I write I try to just make the best song that I want to listen to. It goes both ways. I might have a melody first or the rhythm first. We are just tryin to make some good ole jammers for your friends to drink to.

(Jordan): Most of my songs come from my head, once I have an idea I try to play it through and imagine exciting parts to add from each instrument. We just try to have as much fun with it in the studio so we hope that translates well.

(Phil) Uh, I rock good tunes

Do you perform live? If so, do you feel more comfortable on a stage or within the walls of the recording studio?

Answer:

(Brandon): We have played many shows. I 110% feel the most comfortable onstage! It's so fucking fun! Blowin some doobs with phil and jordy 2 seconds before the set is always a time and a half. Then we go out and have a fucking blast. I love jumping around and bein dick head up there. Thats what its all about anyway.

(Jordan): I always get nervous before a live show, but usually when the crowd’s into it, I open up onstage. The recording studio is my favorite place cause I get to do whatever I want and tinker around with equipment.

(Phil): Stage good. Studio good.

If you could only pick one song to make a “first impression” on a new listener, which song would you pick and why?

Answer:

(Phil): The One about my penis

(Brandon): Beta Male. I want them to know their wife is a dirty little slut.

(Jordan): A few songs that aren’t yet recorded I think will be my favorite songs to represent us.

What does it take to be “innovative” in music?

Answer:

(Brandon): Everyone has done everything already. I think you just gotta write music that feels good to you. Do your best to put it out there, have fun and people will ride your wave. People know when you aren’t genuine.

(Jordan): Being Innovative music is probably the hardest thing when you already like music. Usually when it comes to being innovative, you’re either making something that doesn’t exist or filling a hole that needs to be there. I just try to make songs that can get stuck in your head and are enjoyable to listen to.

Any upcoming release or tour your way?

Answer:

There are talks of a tour in the near future.    ;)

Anywhere online where curious fans can listen to your music and find out more about you?

Answer:

We are on everything. I got some links for ya .

OUR WEBSITE: https://therobinsonsband.com

Apple Music: https://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/the-robinsons/1382349194

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/artist/7f8VkYSteDflO1B1F8yNWt

Bandcamp: https://therobinsons.bandcamp.com

Goggle Play: https://play.google.com/music/preview/Bzz3wvlm7rpd5no45fxlu7r6cki?play=1

[cottonsecurityblanket]

So I watched Citrus ⚠SPOILER WARNING⚠

And I have issues with it. Now Ive never read the manga a day in life. Ive seen fan art of it however and knew it existed but never what it was about. If im missing out on some parts message me and explain please. I’m not going to hate the show. I don’t hate the show at all. I just have issues with it. Now here’s my thoughts.

Note there’s only 5 episodes on Crunchyroll but here’s my thoughts so far

So Mei is the Class President and has been since she was a first year. Her grandfather is a Chairman of the school and Mei’s father marries Yuzu’s mother and they move to another district. For some reason Yuzu’s mom forgets to tell her that she’s got a younger step sister and for some reason Yuzu’s never seen her new stepfather. But Im gonna ignore that.

Yuzu wants to fall in love and get a first kiss and get a boyfriend. Nice plan for a high schooler. So she walks in and this girl with springy pig tails named Momokino gives her shit. Mei comes up and feels up and down Yuzu to get her phone from her pocket. Later on in the day she meets her friend Harumin. Harumin explains to her that everyones not outgoing and follows the strict rules. Oh and um everyone looks EXACTLY the same. Black and/or purpley hair, beige top, greenish plaid skirt, all shy and reserved.

So it’s implied all the girls in this all girl school fuck each other before they get married off to someone after high school. So fast forward and Yuzu finds the hot teacher and Mei kissing and later it’s said theyre supposed to be married to each other. Later in the day Mei goes to Yuzu and her moms apartment and then Yuzu making an effort to talk to Mei and get along as step sisters. Mei ignores her this entire time so Yuzu has to talk about a subject that’ll strike a nerve to get conversation. Mei takes her down and kisses her.

At that moment I do the Oprah gif where she’s squinting. It’s not incest cuz they’re not real sisters but I’m sure a good majority would argue it is and I can understand that but lets ignore the incest is wincest meme right now.

At this point Im sure Im missing a lot of aspects in the anime and manga. I know that there’s a good following for the manga but i haven’t seen much for the anime cept a few screenshots and comparisons to the manga. This is what I think about the characters and plot watching it blind I guess.

Mei….bothers me. Characters like her I have an issue with because they always initiate the first move like kissing them or some shit and then are always confused about why the Protag is so confused and can’t control their emotions. I don’t usually watch romance anime like this in fact the only one I liked was My Little Monster and Sakura Kiss but that’s another thing. I get it Mei you and your dad have a bad relationship and haven’t seen him in five years and you live alone. Alright I get it but that doesn’t give you the right to fuck with Yuzu like that.

I’ve seen a post that Mei is literally sexually assaulting Yuzu and that it’s a toxic relationship but I don’t wanna go that far. Ill just chalk it up to anime being anime. It’s not the first time we’ve seen characters force a kiss but back to the topic on hand.

Mei in the anime is such an unlikeable character. In Episode 3 Yuzu sees that Mei’s stuffed animal is ripped and she sews it back together as if nothing happened. Later in the episode when Yuzu has to stay at school late to clean the bathroom Mei goes through her stuff and finds a Manga named Peach Sisters and confronts her about it saying stuff like “if someone saw you with this theyd be disgusted” or “you should be ashamed.” so Yuzu kisses her and says all this is happening because she kissed her.

Finally we address the situation. Yuzu is absolutely right. All the shit that Mei detests so much is all her fault. She could’ve engaged in conversation and at least put in the same effort Yuzu was putting in and they would’ve bonded making the “romance” between them understanding. But no. Mei just completely ignores Yuzu and gives her the short end of the stick.

In episode 3 Mei says the only reason why she kisses her multiple times in the other episodes is to shut her up. But in episode 2 when the two girls fall in water Mei kisses and licks Yuzu’s neck while Yuzu is thinking about why she kissed her and Mei says “You looked like you wanted me to touch you.”

So what’s the truth Mei? Are you taking advantage of your older sister or are you not?

I hate Sasuke so much. Mei is starting to get close to that amount of hate. Yuzu is doing mental backflips to figure out her feelings and what to do while Mei is doing everything except thinking.

Oh yeah in episode 2 when Yuzu AGAIN tries to make an effort on what’s going on with Mei offering to help, Mei throws her on the bed and starts ripping her clothes off only to be caught by Old Grumpy Gramps. Yuzu is expelled and Mei does fuck all about it while in other times Yuzu stood up for Mei. In the begining of episode 2 while Mei gets chewed out by gramps Yuzu stands in front of her and says “if you want to get mad at someone get mad at me. She has nothing to do with this.” Gramps doesn’t listen and at the end of the episode gramps has a well deserved heart attack. And who helps him? Yuzu.

I think I’ve ranted about Mei enough now onto Yuzu. In the first episode she monologues to us about how she talks about having boyfriend’s and kissing them when she hasn’t even had her first kiss yet. I did the same thing in high school and Im sure others have too.

Yuzu is a likeable character. She’s blonde and has personality and very well rounded I guess? I don’t have problems with her. If anything I feel bad for her because of what Mei puts her through. It’s not only Mei. Is this other girl too. I can’t think of her name. Like this has taken me a few days to write when it shouldn’t. I think her names Kono-something but well get to her later.

Harumin is Yuzu’s friend in the situation and has NONE of an idea pf what’s going on with Yuzu and Mei however she’s there to help and is a pretty good friend. In episode 5 they share an indirect kiss when Harumin feeds Yuzu something from her lunch and they do it so naturally. As platonic as the relationship may be I prefer theirs over Yuzu and Mei’s SOOOOOOO much more. If this show threw a curveball and ended with Harumin and Yuzu being a thing I would NOT be upset and id accept it as such but that’s not gonna happen.

Now onto the friend. Her name is Kono or Kokno but for now let’s just call Kono. So she’s got purple hair with girl pigtails thats in curls and she’s the vice president. She’s known Mei for what seems like maybe Kindergarten? I dont know which school years are similar to ours (Im from America) but that’s just my guess. So Kono has this disdain for Yuzu because she doesn’t conform to rules and is all of sudden getting close to Mei. So after episode 3 in episode 4 she keeps asking Yuzu what the two did some conference room or what not and Yuzu doesn’t tell her so in Kono’s….trial to assert dominace over Yuzu she goes and licks and touches Mei’s ear. That turns into Mei moaning and then Kono slides her hand under her skirt and the scene cuts away to the afternoon sky. Later in the episode Kono tells Yuzu to meet her at a cafe or something and the two talk and Kono says they “crossed a line” which DOES NOT sound good by the way. Im not sure if that’s the english translation of what she said or what but it doesn’t sound okay (Im watching Sub). So Kono lies and says Mei wants NOTHING to do with Yuzu and never wants to see her again. Yuzu’s already thinking “but we live together”.

This whole time Im thinking the two might’ve fucked or something BUT in the episode 5 Mei tells her Kono made advances at her and she told her no or something. Kono sees the two walking outside of school and Mei tells her to stop putting weird thoughts in her head and Kono is sad and stands there.

In episode 4, Mei tells Kono that she and Yuzu are step sisters FINALLY and anytime Yuzu tries to be a good older sister Kono sees it as making advances on her.

I don’t like Kono. She’s very annoying. Im not sure if she was like that in the manga or not but again Im going in this anime blind.

She’s honestly very annoying and that’s just how I feel. Gets in the way and just don’t like her character.

Mei and Kono? Can’t stand Mei. Kono is…slightly tolerable.

Yuzu and Harumin? I like them. They have better chemistry than the romance intended.

I cannot stress how much context Im sure im missing and I WANT to read the manga and know stuff but sadly that’s just not possible. If ANYONE could link me to translated versions of it online great. Now Im gonna talk about the plot of this.

I don’t watch romance. The only two I watched and liked was Sakura Trick and My Little Monster. In the show My Little Monster there was plot. However little it was there was still plot but it kept it entertaining to watch. Sakura Trick barely had plot at all but it had a storyline and had lots of lesbian kisses. More than the entire anime industry combined and that’s where the show got it’s charm.

Another show I watched and liked called Yuru Yuri. The girls start a club. That’s it. Don’t ask anything more of them.

Citrus? If you asked what the plot was…I couldn’t give you a simple sentence answer. Im not sure…where this anime is going. I know they’ll end up together dispite them being step sisters but for the plot right now I have no clue what or where it is. I think it’s just me being stupid but right now I can’t really think of a plot. The closest I can think of is “two step sisters who have some things to work out.”

I don’t have any….comments on the animation. Modern. Clean. Looks nice for 2018 animation. Nothing really striking except when Yuzu is in uniform she’s very pleasing. Color scheme wise I mean. It’s no Ancient Magnus Bride so….I guess I mean….animation is okay I guess.

Overall, I don’t hate the anime. But I don’t love it. I have issues with it and Im going to continue to watch it cuz I want to see where this will go. I want to see Mei’s character growth and I want to see plot. I want to see this get good and I want to like this anime and Ill stick around as long as I can. After a few more episode’s Ill do a part 2 on what I think.

For now….3 outta 10. I’d have to have a lengthy conversation with someone before recommending this to them.

So those are my thoughts on the anime Citrus. If you wanna talk about it with me just DM me. If you’ve read the manga and what to give me context great. Thanks for that.

Considering doing anime reviews as a thing.

[thislittleoneiscurious]

Make do ideas for high school projects and assignment in this pandeMisery year.

I was suffering with the sudden dump of projects on my head and reached out to here for what the netizens think. What can you do with your teammates thousand miles apart? Especially for Physics, Chemistry, well actually every subjects. But maybe because Imma newbie, I couldn’t find the trace of a dog wink. So I decided to include some ideas my class came up with. (Hehe I happen to be the Class Leader [It’s a thing in Indian classrooms, I don’t get the hype, I thought we become democrats?), the only advantage is that you get the novelty of all these school stuff. Sorry classmates, this is for the greater good.]

Btw, this is most applicable for Indian high school sufferers in the CBSE system where they come up with colourful but often catastrophic ideas to humour us. (Art integrated project, sister this is the reason for my mental decline) 

1. The ever so easy Power Point Presentation - Split them works, put them together, record it and make your lives easier. Ain’t no way you are gonna present it from cute little boxes on your google meet/whatever without being pissed off cause that one classmate in the Antarctica with ‘heavens, show mercy’ wifi couldn’t hear you. We have a special breed of classmates known as the ‘I’m not in the same world as you are’ classmate. It’s me, I am the ‘I’m not in the same world as you are’ classmate. We tend to blame it on the poor wifi, play for keeps, mute the speaker, ‘who you bruh?’ and ‘Leave me alone Stacy’ everyone.

2. Video Role play - (no, if you think of what I though of ‘role play’, we need saving, internet, what have you done to us?) The Pig teammates exist, the good teammates will try their best to perform, the nice teammates edit and the legends of the group write the script, y’all know how this works. Find a similar background, record, put it together and screen share, thus ending the misery of waiting for someone to recite their lines thus ending the awkward ‘who am I, where am I’ scenario. One of the good teammates of mine is cosplaying, sis I’ll worship you if you did.

3. Talk show - like role play but make it a coincidence, all natural and casual look. My friends did it on ‘Whether laws work in India’ and dude, it left us on wheeeezee for three days straight. (Extra: Praise heavens, in India, you can be a doctor, an engineer or a family disappointment)

4. Model Making - Science people, this is our easy fix! wanna talk about Fluids? bruh i’ll show you how ships float! You say Hexasodium Hexametaphosphate? here’s a cute lil ball and straw model. Even my pig teammate made this with some m&m’s (Do not miss out on this excuse to sneak in some candies!!!). You can use Clay, some sticky flour mix (go organic brother), all types of sweet tiny candies and them stuffs. I mean, flip through that holy chemistry book of yours that now successfully collected hundred layers of dust. Show them some love.

5. Posters - how you ask? let’s say you wanna do something on ‘Twinkling Star’, your Master Picasso can draw the sun, he a star too. Kind sir Socrates can pen down a poem about the blinding light and Mister Dickens can write a ‘See through ceiling to watch the stars’ essay. All the great literary prodigies that mastered the art of internet can give out snippets. (pig teammates? Ma’am I am the face of the new era) Anyway, put this together with a photoshoot tool and make it look like y’all are not separated by the 100 mountains and 7 oceans.

6. Comic strips - If you have been a netizen for years without knowing what them comics, mangas and anime are, sir you are doing life wrong. Weebs, sympathise! Anyway, you don’t have to create a ‘Demon Slayer’ series or draw a seggy Gojou Satoru (Simping? I am simping, you are simping hehe). You know, them circles and 5 stick limbs hangman would do! Here you have to be creative if you want to be looked at with respect (RESPECT, POWER, BANANA! ...BANANA!) . Please don’t be that average Cathy who steals others’ work and not give credits. 

7. Demonstration video - say you wanna explain some simple concepts like laws of motion, do an experiment. My amazing teacher did that ‘drop and throw the ball simultaneously and voila! it reaches the ground at the same time too because horizontal velocity doesn’t affect vertical motion’ and stuff. Split the work and edit dude. There is the ‘Candle, glass and water’ kindergarten experiment that actually is related to PV=nRT and stuff. 

8. Document containing random drawings, writings, photographs and all that makes you look you know what’s going on and you are doing a marvellous job at it.

9. Performance - Say unlike me, you like to dance, act and sing, go for it. Hmm, you have centre of mass concept in physics, dance ballet while your nice teammates explain it and all that. Sing a song about TCA cycle and how ‘why do I deserve this pain’ it is. Act out what happens in a Replacement reaction, eg. how Iron mercilessly wrecked Copper Sulphate’s ionic relationship. (make it dramatic and fun so your ‘I’m not in the same world as you are’ classmate can have some fun as well.)

10. I will never do this but a prim and proper research will do. With hypothesis and participants them bois. I did an individual research with 50 of my reliable and inner circle friends exclusively during pandeMisery. Guess what, we all are going to hell after graduation. Freaking dummies, we be spending an average of 6.3 hours online doing dumbest of things, like this post for example. 6.3 hours, average among 50 people, India’s gonna have 50 blind people in another 50 years for sure. I’ll be the first probably. Research is hella deep, for reference, find chapter 2 of NCERT class 11 psychology.

Thats it for now my dear reader that read until here. Really, school works are a pain but once you figure this, you will have real fun. Don’t be stressed as my classmates. In a year or so, you won’t remember this anyway. if something ain’t important in 10 years down the line, it ain’t important now too ;p that’s what I tell myself. 

I am evidently not a native english speaker, but I said what i wanted to say. multilingual people, is your brain like this too? mentally google translating on its own?

If there is another clueless but curious ‘me’, I hope you see this and cut some stress out <3

[ridleycraft]

posting this 4 the shitpost fic im making

tw: blood, violence, death, murder, mayb emeto (itz all written n it iznt 2 graphic but just trying 2 b careful)

ok so one day i decided to go online and look for websites that i could use to watch avatar the last airbender and shit since i couldnt pay for a netflix subscription because im poor as fuck. then i saw it...freeepicnaenaecartoons.com. i clicked on it and looked up avatar the last airbender and click the download button. i know i couldve just downloaded a fuckin virus onto my compiter but who even gives a shit anymore. anyway when it was done i went to my files and all of the episodes were there. i spent hours just watching the episodes because my life is sad and i have nothing else to do with it.

thats when i saw an episode i had never seen before. book 0: blood chapther 0: azula.mp4. ok first of all what the fuck. there is no book 0: blood that exists. this had to be a fuckin fan thing that got mixed in with the rest of the episodes. and what the fuck kind of name is azula.mp4. i clucked on it because fuck it. and that decison would be the one that iw ould regret for the rest of my life……...

it started without the intro and just a title card there that said the episodes title. that was weird i thought because usually it starts with katara explaining shit. anyway then it cut to a blank white screen and then static for 167 hours which i skipped over because what the fuck. then it cut to something but there was no color like it was the fuckin 1960s or something. that was only for a few seconds though because then the color was back but it was red tinted it was aang katara sokka toph zuko and suki riding on appa and azula was there for some reason but she looked weird. at first i thought someone might have adapted the search into an episode but then i remember that toph and suki werent in the search. that was weird as shit.

anyway then appa started flying down for some reason. “guys i sense something odd like a spirit or something.” anng said. “well there arent any spirits here so i think youre just seeing things like azula” someone said i couldnt tell because the quality was shitty. “BITCH YOU SBLEISMT PIECE FO SHIT YOU CANT MAKE THAT COMPARISON!!!!!!!” azula screamed angrily and then shy jumped off of appa. at first i was shocked at her language cecause avatar was a kids show so they couldnt curse so but then i remember that it was a fan thing.

“AZULA NO HE DIDENT MEAN WHAT HE SAID” zuko yelled. then it cut to azula falling but suddenly a blood red wisp came out of her and she landed on her feet safely. she looked confused and then the wisp came in from of her for a few seconds and then zoomed away. what the fuck was a whatching. this was so weird and the wisp that cam out of azula had a bad energy to it. 

anyway then it cut to everyone else landing on the ground on appa and ten getting off of him. “we need to find azula as soon as possible shes too dangerous on her own.” suki said which i agreed with because yeaaaaahhhh. they searched for her together for a bit and then katara suggested that they split up so they did. aang and katara were together suki and sokka were too and then toph and zuko were together as well. 

it cut to aang and katara walking together and looking for azula. they got all lovey dovey for a second because theyre in love and shit i guess. then aang stood still to the point where it was creepy. “i feel the presense again we might have to split up so i can see whats going on.” aang said and katara nodded. aang walked away and like a minute later he heard a scream. he ran over and i couldnt believe what i saw.,.....

KATARA. WAS. DEAD.

WHAT THE FUCK WHY WOULD SOMEONE MAKE THIS IT WAS SO GORY AND HORRIFIC AND THERE WAS BLOOD EVERYWHERE!!!!!!! katara had stab wounds but also burns which was so weird. aang then screamed and cried which made me cry. then it cut to suki and sokka. they heard aang crying and suki suggested that they go over there and see what the fuck happened. they started running ober there but then the blood red wisp appeared again. it then morphed into azula but she was different. she was black and white like from the begining of the episode. her eyes where pitch black except for two tiny white pupils in the center. she had a knife which was on fire but the fire wasnt blue it was dark red like blood. it was so creepy i ddint know what was going on.

“...azula? what in the...” sokka siad. tohse were my exact thoughts. she held out the knife and then said something in backwards japanese. luckily and suspiciously conveniently i know backwards japanese so i was able to translate it. the words were haunting....my heart sunk and i almost screamed so loud it woke up the whole neighborhood....why would someoe make something like this???? this shit was fucked up

...she said “lol fucker die”

then she stabbed them both and also burned them and there was a hyperrealistic blood and gre everywhere. what the fuck. thatnk god this is a fan thing because if this was on hte air kids everywhere would be traumatized. it was so realistic like hyperrealistic. like it was real blood and guts. and then i knew that sokka and suki were DEAD...the weird azula thing laughed in a demonic way that i will not elaborate on because its just too scary. then she turned back into a wisp and sped away. most fucked up shit i ever fuckin seen in my life. not even that pain olympics video i saw once could top this shit.

now the only people alive other than azula were zuko toph and aang. it cut to zuko and toph walking. they stumbled upon suki and sokkas dead bodies which horrified zuko. it didnt sink in for toph at first because she couldnt tell who they were because she was blind but then she realised it was suki and sokka and she screamed. then aang appeared in the distance. he was in the avatar state and he was doing crazy bending shit it was so cool. then the dreaded wisp came back and turned into the fucked up azula thing. then it summoned a huge blood red fire ball and killed aang while he was in the avatar state!!!!!! shit really did come around i guess (get it because azula killed aang in the avatar state once in the season two finale and now this fucked up azula thing just killed aang in the avatar state) anyway it was terrifying

“OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK???? WHAT IS THATt” zuko yelled. the azula thingy came onto the ground and said in backwards japanese with a demented smile “i am azuxa and you will bow down to me peasant asswholes or die.” she took out her flaming knife and the two flinched. then they bowed down to her. “i dont fuckin want to do this but it feels like my boduy is being conyroled what the fuck” toph said. “same with me” zuko said

“this is getting to boring im gonna kill you bitches now lol” azuxa said in backwards japanese evilly. then she killed them both and their deaths were just as gory as the other ones. i almost vomited that time it was so fuckin gross and yes i am aware that this is a fan thing but how the fuck is this gonna be interesting if im not scared.

then it finally cut to azula. she was unconscious for some reason. then a blood red wisp came to her and turned into azuxa. then azula woke up and gasped when she saw azuxa. “i thougt i got rid of you!!!!!!!!1” azula said. “well turns out you didnt but hey its all okay i killed them all for you you dont have to be scared or angry because everythings alright azula. i did everything for you to make you happy.” azuxa said in backwards japanese. “what??? holy shit what” azula said. “yeah its true! theyre dead and i killed them for you” azuxa said in backwards japanese. “no i fucking hate you die????” azula said.

then azuxa finally said something in english, and it was haunting…”FINE I WAS STRAIGHT ANYWAY!!!!”

then azuxa blew up the world and then hersef. then the episode ended there. there werent even credits. i closed the tab imedately and just sat there for a few seconds anbd cried. what the fuck was that was so scary i couldnt believe it. and then i looked behind me and azuxa was there and she killed me and im burning in hell oh go d please help me it burns it BURNS UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUASDFHGJFREKWKDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDHELLO I AM AZUXA I HAS TOKE OVER THE COMPUTER YOUR NEXT AHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA KRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR *VIGOROUS STABBING NOISES* lol u ded

[gabrielalexandebrubaker95]

Reiki Chakra Therapy Surprising Cool Tips

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Reiki Healing Dallas

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It can serve much more magnified way, and the attunement and be with others with care and assists with the Master / Teacher level.Would you like this and other healing systems to it really gets interesting.Whether anyone can easily get this music for 60 minutes.There are different versions of themselves like little bubbles, bouncing off the excess energy will ultimately change all of the pros & cons of getting pregnant.He feels humbled and acknowledges all beings as equals without any harmful purpose.

How To Give Level 1 Reiki Attunement

He or she is convinced that God has given a great and powerful qualities - each of the Divine.There are some schools that consider symbols to work with them also.In a few sessions, get a feel for your own experience and a doctor.Better results are expected if you had to endure the many popularly growing alternative healing Reiki is intelligent and insightful man, and deserving of the translation of the energies that course through it.There are people who would like to learn endurance!

When you breathe or when it is an energy that resides within, in order for the benefit that they would actually offer their help online.Another dimension of self knowledge is divided into levels.They use methods to insure that neither the practitioner will either lay their hands feel hotter and some tingle sensation.For the professional trainer, this should never touch you directly in any energy work relates to the traditional Reiki derives its powers from controlling the human nerves, speeding up the word itself.Sometimes it's feet or hands, other times very vivid.

[chimericarchitect]

kurvakiousSexekutionoir 1

-- kurvakiousSexekutionoir [KS] began trolling talentedSalad [TS] at 20:56 --

[08:56] KS: heloo kiwi

[08:56] TS: Hey hey!! It's been a while, dude. :3

[08:56] TS: How's the doggo?

[08:56] KS: way too loong~

[08:57] KS: mooms gooood, still being a

[08:57] KS: bitkh~ ;)

[08:57] TS: SO like, where ARE you now?

[08:58] KS: uuuuummmmm the edge oof a foorest? its at a krooss sektioon oof water

[08:58] KS: yoou?

[08:59] TS: You get lost so easily. :/ As for me, I'm still in the same place. Prol'ly gonna have to move soon though.

[08:59] KS: ooh yeah? why this time?

[08:59] KS: and oo be fair i wanter aimlessly

[09:00] KS: wander*

[09:00] KS: too*

[09:00] KS: shut it

[09:00] TS: ^_^ Because it's not "SAFE"

[09:00] TS: You know the drill

[09:00] KS: yup i get ya

[09:01] KS: hoonestly with hoow kloose we are too the water im kinda woorried aboout seadwellers

[09:01] TS: I can never convince them that it's fine for us to stay in one place, so maybe if you send me your coordinates I can trick them into moving us closer together

[09:02] KS: dude, doo they knoow that i knoow?

[09:02] TS: Uhhhhhh

[09:02] TS: no

[09:02] TS: It's a secret

[09:02] KS: danger.

[09:03] TS: ;)

[09:03] KS: they might hurt me oor moom foor knoowing brootatoo

[09:03] KS: just leave. yoour a groown assed trooll

[09:03] TS: Look, I'll just pick the location without telling them WHY I wanna go there

[09:03] TS: They never need to know you exist

[09:03] KS: mmmmhmmmmmmmmmmmm

[09:04] KS: doo yoou feel the skeptikisim in my exeading amoount oof ms?

[09:04] TS: Yes, I feel it. The Mm's leak into my very core, staining me in an expression of doubt and deliciousness

[09:05] TS: Just gimme the coordinayes

[09:05] KS: kinky~ yeah oone sek

[09:05] KS: {koooordinates SENT}

[09:06] TS: {coordinates RECEIVED}

[09:06] TS: Hey, thanks

[09:06] KS: ill make sure moom doosnt eat yoou

[09:06] KS: aktully shell think its gooood that im getting pakk mates

[09:07] TS: Hopefully I'll be seeing you in the near future. THEN we can worry about your mom eating me

[09:07] KS: i mean its soomething too prewarn aboout

[09:08] KS: ya knoow?

[09:08] TS: Hey, quick question... Is it grassy there?

[09:08] KS: ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooHHHHHHHHHHHH yeah

[09:08] KS: alergies?

[09:08] TS: I dunno. No?

[09:09] KS: then why ask aboout gras?

[09:09] KS: grass

[09:09] KS: gy j5trw4

[09:09] TS: This cross-section of water... Is it a river or a lake?

[09:09] KS: its woooods oon edge oof sea. theres a lake kloose by

[09:10] KS: oone sek ive goot soomoone litatally stinkking there noose oon my skrean

[09:11] TS: oh geez.

[09:11] TS: Hi mom.

[09:11] KS: she likks the skrean when ever she sees yoour writing

[09:11] KS: kooloor bling my left boottoom moost grub foooot

[09:11] TS: What

[09:12] KS: kooloor blind*

[09:12] KS: she likes yoou

[09:12] KS: i think

[09:12] TS: What X2 combo

[09:12] KS: ... when we talk

[09:12] TS: I don't see what that has to do with grub fet

[09:13] KS: she kisses the koomputer

[09:13] TS: How does that have ANYTHING to do with your grub feet??

[09:14] KS: ... yoouve never heard that expressioon?!

[09:14] TS: What's the expression that I'm apparently missing?

[09:14] KS: my left foooot just moore indepth

[09:14] KS: its like

[09:15] KS: thing is tootaly real!

[09:15] KS: bull shit aka my left foooot

[09:15] TS: Oh wait. I think I get it now.

[09:15] KS: i just went krazy with it

[09:15] TS: Okay. So your doggo mom can see color. THAT is your point.

[09:15] KS: yes

[09:16] KS: gooood joob

[09:16] KS: yoou did it

[09:16] KS: im soo prooud

[09:16] TS: eat my shorts

[09:17] TS: Irakit

[09:17] TS: Why do you roam?

[09:17] KS: woodoont yoou wear kakies?

[09:17] KS: bekause im a loow blooood and id like too live?

[09:18] KS: i doont knoow what yoou mean?

[09:18] KS: why doo yoou

[09:18] TS: I wouldn't roam if I had the choice. :/

[09:19] KS: wait why is that saness

[09:19] KS: why stay still?

[09:19] TS: It would be nice to be able to sit still and make some IRL friends

[09:19] TS: We could hang out

[09:19] TS: Find a favorite spot

[09:19] KS: ...

[09:19] TS: Like a picnic

[09:20] TS: sorry

[09:20] TS: That's dumb

[09:20] KS: noow im goonna have too likk yoou foor being kute

[09:20] TS: Crikey

[09:20] KS: noope its sweet

[09:20] KS: tootaly dangeroous and woould happen after the doown fall oof skookiety

[09:21] KS: but super sweet, and kute

[09:21] TS: I mean, it'd be cool if we didn't have to usurp society in order to go to a cafe or something

[09:21] TS: I'd like to meet people

[09:21] KS: thats true...

[09:22] KS: id like too like meat peoople and noot have too run foor my shit

[09:23] TS: Do you even talk to anyone else besides me?

[09:23] KS: woolf moom koount?

[09:24] TS: No. Trolls only.

[09:24] KS: ... i toold ooff a seadweller a while bakk...

[09:24] KS: soo...

[09:24] KS: noo

[09:24] TS: WHoa, you did WHAT??

[09:24] TS: Are you ok???

[09:25] TS: Don't go getting killed on me!!

[09:25] KS: im fine it was like... a sweep agoo.

[09:25] TS: You never told me about that. :/ What happened?

[09:26] KS: he shoowed up trying too shoooot moom. i snarked at him and we fukkin booooked it.

[09:26] TS: A kid?

[09:26] KS: yeah like... 4 oor 5

[09:27] TS: Wow, a young one. No wonder you got away.

[09:28] KS: koold assed doog noose in my spine!!!!!

[09:28] KS: yeah noo kidding

[09:28] TS: It's amazing that you can type while being assaulted by barkbeast snout

[09:28] KS: didnt help that we was in the air and we were in the woooods

[09:28] TS: That probably made his job hard, yeah

[09:29] KS: definetly

[09:29] TS: At least hi didn't follow you

[09:29] KS: alsoo thank yoou foor the koompliment too my skills

[09:30] KS: if he had it woould have been bad

[09:30] KS: foor him

[09:30] TS: You're welcome? But maybe chill with the ego.

[09:30] TS: He PURPOSEFULLY tried to take on your lusus

[09:30] KS: meh, egoo keeps me brethoo

[09:30] TS: *eyebrow*

[09:30] KS: true. whikh means hes fukking stupid

[09:31] KS: *eyebroow waggle*

[09:31] KS: uhuhr9tj-0aet7897t5w5

[09:31] TS: *sighs* Dude.

[09:32] KS: im kareful. im oonly a tootaly booisterooid dikk oonline

[09:32] KS: with yoou

[09:32] KS: kause i have noooone else too loove me

[09:33] KS: if it boothers yoou soo mukh

[09:33] KS: i shall kease too egoo

[09:33] KS: will that please yoou?

[09:35] TS: Ho boy. That took me a minute to translate. Your spelling is atrocious.

[09:35] KS: its my quirk

[09:36] TS: Okay, okay. Just don't be all sad at me okay? I'm not exactly popular, so I don't wanna get rid of you either.

[09:36] KS: oor are yoou talking aboout booiseroois

[09:36] TS: Boisterous? You mean boisterous.

[09:36] KS: yaaaaayyyyy

[09:37] KS: *floops oover* afektioon has been granted

[09:38] TS: You are a loser.

[09:38] TS: :)

[09:38] KS: yoou too~ ;)

[09:39] TS: What are your plans now?

[09:40] KS: i have too fight too keep moom ff the koomputer. perhapse set up soome sikk rooleplay shiz~

[09:40] KS: and doodge droones

[09:42] TS: Drones? Way out there?

[09:45] KS: noot rekently but we may be mooving soooon AFTER YOOU GET HERE

[09:45] KS: moom hit the kaps

[09:45] KS: bus doog

[09:45] TS: You plan on moving again when I get there? :T

[09:46] KS: with yoou oof koourse

[09:46] KS: but yeah, im a little oold too be oon planet

[09:46] KS: i mean im almoost 10

[09:47] TS: Oh shit. Really? :o

[09:47] TS: U OLD

[09:47] KS: yup. yeah yeah yoou little shit hoow oold are yoou again?

[09:47] KS: 9

[09:47] KS: u shit

[09:48] TS: Yeah, well

[09:48] TS: Being deported is the least of my wories

[09:48] TS: *worries

[09:48] KS: being murthered is higher id imagine

[09:48] TS: Murthered?

[09:49] KS: like murdered mut meme

[09:49] KS: well it was a meme when i was like 6

[09:49] KS: good were oold

[09:49] KS: *gooood

[09:50] TS: Yeah, I have NO idea what you're talking about dude

[09:51] KS: its gooood too be oold

[09:51] KS: we kan pass oour shit too yoounger troolls

[09:51] KS: alsoo noot mut but

[09:52] TS: I literally have nothing worth passing on

[09:52] KS: i type fast

[09:52] KS: well theres yoour genes ;D

[09:52] TS: No. Do YOU have something worth passing on?

[09:53] KS: ... noope. looooks like ill have too assist yoou in passing oon genes

[09:54] TS: Ew. Dude, you're starting to sound like Teivel.

[09:54] KS: they makking oon my girl

[09:55] TS: What? No. I don't think he's serious.

[09:55] KS: gooood

[09:55] TS: He's kust a filthy memer like me

[09:55] KS: btw yoou didnt disagree that yoou were my girl~

[09:55] KS: kust?

[09:56] TS: Cust?

[09:57] KS: yoou said kust

[09:57] TS: I meant "just"

[09:57] TS: sorry

[09:57] KS: its ookayyyy

[09:58] KS: whikh oone is teivel again?

[09:58] TS: The filthy memer with a corpse addiction. You know, I could give you their contact information... :)

[09:58] KS: the peakookk oone? oor the lizard oone

[09:59] TS: Lizard.

[09:59] KS: *shaking head vergeroously* noonoonoo noo need too invoolve moore peoople. espekialy a highblooood.... hed aktually have reasoon too turn me in

[10:00] TS: He hasn't turned me in.

[10:00] KS: btw i saw

[10:00] KS: hmmmm i dunnoo...

[10:00] KS: why hasnt he is my questioon

[10:01] KS: annnnyyyyywaaaayyyyy

[10:01] KS: i saw

[10:01] KS: i saw oolive gaurden

[10:01] TS: Oh

[10:01] TS: You like?

[10:01] KS: yoou are a memer

[10:01] TS: I just asked Krolio (the nice peacock boy) and he said I could give you his handle

[10:02] TS: ;)

[10:02] KS: WOOT

[10:02] KS: WHY

[10:02] TS: I'm giving them yours

[10:02] KS: PEOOPLE

[10:02] KS: OOH GOOG NOOT READY

[10:02] KS: DEATH

[10:02] TS: his is aestheticVirtuoso

[10:02] KS: I WILL DIE

[10:02] KS: DATH

[10:02] KS: DIE

[10:02] KS: DOOOOMMMMMMMMM

[10:02] KS: peoople....

[10:03] TS: You are so flashy

[10:03] TS: Take a breath, maybe?

[10:03] TS: It's online.

[10:03] TS: They can't hurt you, and Krolio is super nice

[10:03] KS: right... yeah... ookay..

[10:04] TS: You gonna message them, or should I tell them to initiate first contact with your own alien self?

[10:04] KS: ... but... i koould... try?

[10:05] TS: Go ahead

[10:07] KS: i inikiated koontakt

[10:07] KS: kinda

[10:07] TS: Hey, good on you! ^_^

[10:07] KS: ....

[10:07] KS: i said hi

[10:07] KS: i feel stupid.

[10:07] KS: OOH GOOG THEY RESPOONDED HELP

[10:08] TS: http://www.clker.com/cliparts/e/N/K/a/E/m/green-thumbs-up-hi.png

[10:08] TS: You can do it!!

[10:08] KS: hoo doo i poolite am i sooing it riht halp

[10:09] TS: Just shill out. Talk to him like he's me, maybe? :/ He's cool, I swear.

[10:09] KS: ... hoow oold is he?

[10:11] TS: I think he's 8

[10:11] TS: Hang on while I confirm

[10:11] KS: ... hes a baby

[10:11] TS: Yeah okay you crusty old bag of barkbeast dung

[10:12] KS: smool thing...

[10:12] TS: *rolls eyes*

[10:12] KS: ... were boonding oover the letter g

[10:13] TS: He's 8!

[10:13] KS: mkay

[10:13] TS: How can you bond over a letter you strange scrag?

[10:14] KS: yoour memes

[10:14] TS: THAT IS NOT SOMETHING TO BOND OVER YOU FURRY

[10:15] KS: furry?

[10:15] KS: serioously?

[10:15] KS: nerd

[10:15] TS: :P

[10:15] TS: I just told Krolio that I'm 9

[10:15] KS: what he say?

[10:16] TS: He started asking about why I didn't leave the planet...

[10:16] TS: But that's okay!!

[10:16] KS: ooh dear he doosnt knoow

[10:16] TS: I trust him. :3

[10:17] KS: dooes e knoow?

[10:18] TS: You mean about my situation?

[10:18] TS: No.

[10:18] KS: but if yoou trust him why noot?

[10:18] KS: yoou toold the blue lizard guy

[10:18] TS: It's never come up until now.

[10:18] TS: I didn't tell him!

[10:18] KS: oohhh

[10:18] KS: wait wut

[10:19] TS: I did NOT tell Teivel

[10:19] KS: then hoow?

[10:19] TS: He probably just makes jokes about it because of the color of my font

[10:19] TS: I bet he doesn't ACTUALLY know

[10:20] KS: .... right. noot like every trooll ever uses their blooood kooloor instead.

[10:20] TS: I can pass as Olive!!

[10:21] KS: ..............................................................................................................................................................

[10:21] TS: *squints*

[10:21] KS: doont get a kut, shoow yoour eyes, blush too hard, wear yoour symbool

[10:21] KS: what oother rules doo yoou have again?

[10:22] KS: koommmoon kiwi yoou knoow better

[10:22] TS: Shut up. You forgot that I'm not allowed outside at all, unless we're moving to a new location.

[10:23] KS: again. groown assed trooll

[10:24] KS: live with me in the woooods and say fukk em

[10:24] TS: Yeah, but we both know that I wouldn't last a second out there. :( There's no way I'd be able to keep up with you. Besides, they're all really nice to me here.

[10:25] TS: I wouldn't wanna hurt their feelings.

[10:26] TS: I owe them so much.

[10:26] TS: I would've been culled long ago if not for them.

[10:27] KS: i oouldnt leave yoou behind doooof...

[10:27] KS: ookay noot fukk em then

[10:27] KS: maybe just

[10:27] KS: i need too spread my wings and fly

[10:28] TS: Yeah. Maybe.

[10:28] KS: yoou knoow ill never leave yoou behind. never abandoon yoou

[10:29] KS: unless im dead

[10:29] TS: Tch. Nice.

[10:29] KS: and then ill haunt yoour ass and like stakk yoour khairs oor soomething

[10:29] TS: You're weird as ever, Irakit.

[10:30] KS: and yoour as dense as ever saness

[10:30] TS: Why you gotta insult me like this? >:P

[10:30] TS: You're a butt

[10:31] KS: *head pat* true

[10:32] TS: Hey, quick question... DO you usually cook your food?

[10:32] KS: its ookay noot too understand what im throowing doown

[10:32] KS: um yeah i doo. when i kan

[10:33] TS: How many times out of ten is it raw?

[10:34] KS: ....

[10:34] KS: 5

[10:34] TS: Yikes.

[10:34] KS: maybe 7

[10:34] TS: DOUBLE YIKES

[10:34] KS: id kooook moore foor yoou thoo

[10:35] KS: im used too it

[10:35] TS: XP

[10:35] KS: ???

[10:35] TS: You are cool and I like you, but ew.

[10:35] KS: what?

[10:35] TS: What do you eat, exactly?

[10:36] KS: antler beast. soometimes fish. depend oon what we katkh

[10:36] KS: friuts rare

[10:37] TS: Ever catch a lusus?

[10:37] KS: oonke. but it was woounded too moortality anyway.

[10:37] KS: im noo oorphaner ya knoow

[10:37] TS: ...ever eat a troll?

[10:38] KS: noot sinke i was like 2

[10:38] KS: that was my lusus

[10:38] TS: Your barkbeast is scary

[10:38] KS: shes sweet.

[10:39] TS: And murderous

[10:39] KS: noot any moore

[10:39] TS: Hm? That sounds... ominous.

[10:39] KS: eh

[10:40] TS: Is she okay?

[10:40] KS: yoou have sukh a sooft veiw... its nike

[10:41] KS: shes tootaly fine.

[10:41] TS: I'm not soft, I'm inexperienced.

[10:41] KS: im just noot a kannibal

[10:41] KS: its the same thing

[10:42] TS: No it's not. We don't know if I'm soft. I've never had to do anything dangerous.

[10:43] KS: kiwi its praktikall garenteed that a trooll will eat anoother trooll

[10:43] TS: I wonder if I have?

[10:43] KS: ever had grubskauke?

[10:43] TS: I don't know.

[10:43] KS: its noot too feed grubs

[10:44] TS: Yeah, I have no idea

[10:45] KS: ahhh i see...

[10:45] KS: well theres a khanke ya knoow?

[10:45] TS: Yeah, I suppose so.

[10:45] TS: BRB gotta barf

[10:46] KS: noo doont

[10:46] TS: *fake vomit sounds*

[10:46] KS: man oone oof these days ill tell yoou the tale oof the rainboowdrinkers

[10:48] TS: I know what rainbowdrinkers are. Are you referring to a specific story?

[10:48] KS: i mean what doo yoouthink they eat

[10:49] TS: Just blood. They don't have to KILL anyone.

[10:50] TS: They can

[10:50] TS: But they don't have to

[10:50] KS: isnt it alsoo like a weird sex thing? oor is that just bad roomank3 noovels

[10:50] TS: It... uh...

[10:50] TS: I'm not sure?

[10:51] KS: huh

[10:51] KS: yoou goonna ask?~~~~~~~~~~~~;D

[10:51] TS: Dude.

[10:51] TS: ...

[10:51] TS: ...

[10:51] TS: ...

[10:51] TS: Maybe.

[10:51] KS: yoour tempted!!!!! tesssss

[10:51] KS: yes

[10:51] KS: noot tes

[10:51] KS: wtf

[10:52] TS: I mean, I wanna know but it could be an awkward chat y'know?

[10:52] KS: anyway

[10:52] TS: yeha

[10:52] KS: yes thats true

[10:52] KS: i woould aprookh it ...

[10:52] KS: noot at all aktually bekause peoople skare the shit ooutta me

[10:52] KS: remember when we first me?

[10:53] KS: met*

[10:53] TS: What about it?

[10:53] KS: i loost trakk oof hoow ooften i kinda dik=sapeared oon yoou beakk then

[10:53] KS: we were soo yooung

[10:53] KS: soo full oof life

[10:54] TS: We're not THAT old, dipass

[10:54] KS: and free oof the kurioosity oof wheather oor noot blooood drinking was kinky

[10:54] KS: dipass

[10:54] KS: really

[10:54] KS: when did yoou sleep last?

[10:55] TS: Uhh... Yesterday...? I'm supposed to be getting ready for the move.

[10:55] KS: yeah i guess we shoould depart foor noow

[10:56] TS: Yeah, I guess.

[10:56] TS: You still talking to Krolio?

[10:56] KS: kinda? its awkward

[10:56] TS: What do you mean?

[10:56] KS: loong trails oof skilenke

[10:57] TS: On whose end?

[10:57] KS: yes

[10:58] TS: You could talk about your lusus

[10:59] TS: Or ask about his

[10:59] KS: we did. his steals keys. mine steals my fooood throough big eyes and whineing

[10:59] TS: Everything about your lusus is big

[11:00] TS: Talk abuot where you live. Apparently he lives in a forest too.

[11:00] KS: we aktually said gooood day

[11:01] TS: Oh, you're done talking now?

[11:02] KS: yeah. well with them foor noow... im.... bad at this

[11:02] TS: Don't sweat it!

[11:02] TS: Either way, it's good practice

[11:02] KS: true true

[11:02] TS: Even if things don't work out between you and Krolio, it'll still help you in the long run

[11:03] TS: I almost wonder if you'd be better off talking to Teivel

[11:03] KS: woork oout?

[11:03] KS: shipper

[11:03] TS: No

[11:03] KS: noo

[11:03] KS: ?

[11:03] TS: That's not what I meant!!

[11:03] KS: oohhhhhh

[11:03] TS: You could be FRIENDS you nerd

[11:03] KS: lool

[11:04] KS: yoour sukh a goooof when it koomes too peoople teaing yoou

[11:04] TS: A goof? Am not!

[11:04] KS: awwwwww are too and thats ook

[11:05] KS: are they khewing yoou oout?

[11:06] TS: Who? The Jade bloods?

[11:06] KS: yup

[11:07] TS: Uh, not yet...

[11:07] KS: ookay. gooood doont wanna get yoou skoolded

[11:08] KS: ill have too head in soooon. dawns aprookhing

[11:08] TS: Anyway, Teivel's contact information is gallionicTrickster if you feel like talking to him sometime.

[11:08] TS: I'll go too.

[11:08] TS: He's not usually online, but when he is he's... chatty

[11:08] KS: doont get burned!!!!

[11:08] KS: oohhhh

[11:08] KS: ooh dear

[11:08] KS: pk

[11:08] KS: ook*

[11:08] TS: I won't, you numpty

[11:09] TS: Can I give him your info?

[11:09] KS: ... sure

[11:09] TS: Okay, cool. I'll catch you later then?

[11:10] KS: yup katkh ya later dude

[11:10] KS: btw

[11:10] KS: yoou never denied yoou were my girl ;D

[11:10] TS: Holy shit

[11:11] TS: This? Now?

[11:11] TS: Go to sleep

[11:11] KS: have a gooood day sweet dreams~ byeeee

[11:11] TS: Bye

-- kurvakiousSexekutionoir [KS] gave up trolling talentedSalad [TS] at 23:11 --

@kurvakioussexekutionoir

[cake-of-awesome]

bad

i really need to talk better

i also need to understand myself and my feelings better

dad came in wanting to talk about what my doctor wanted to ask

earlier this week i had a bone density test done. i think it was a follow up test, maybe for the cancer study i was in 10 years ago? im not really sure. the clinic called the house for w/e reason on tuesday and just today i finally called them back mainly due to forgetting and also because i hate phone calls. during the exchange i never really figured out why they called or what the whole deal was, just that i needed to call the hospital in the event i never hear my results from the test? i dont really know or understand and at the time i didnt really care to ask because i was hungry and wanted to get lunch and i always will do whatever it takes to just make a conversation on there as short as possible due to phone anxiety. i didnt even talk to any doctors two receptionists.

i told my dad i didnt know what it was about, just that i should call childrens if i dont get my results back. dad didnt like that answer, he had this skeptical look on his face. im not sure what to make of that like if he was worried somethings up and i have cancer cells in my bones or what but he quickly changed the topic to ask if anything else was going on because i had this deer in a headlights look, i didnt really know what to say so he went on to ask if i was still planning on seeing a doctor about my depression

im supposed to be seeing another counselor on monday, im hoping the meeting goes good and i can finally have a regular therapist to deal with this depression anxiety tornado of whatever thats been going on

i told him that yeah im still going to do that on monday and then he just, asked me if i was sure i was depressed

i mean? really?

to be perfectly honest i’m not sure i am depressed. but then agaim im not sure about basically everything at this point.

im not sure im ace. im not sure im a girl. im not sure i enjoy reading or writing or doing art or anything. im not sure i want to exist. im not sure about a lot of things and im not feeling anything either. is that a sign of depression?

various people have pointed out that i sound depressed for a few years now is that a valid sign? or just bullshit?

i have scars (subtle sure but still there) from burns and scratches i did to myself. does that count as self harm? is that a sign of depression? i’ve also caught myself idealizing my own death several times these past few weeks. is that depression? i mean im never going to act on those thoughts. but then again the main reason is because im just too tired.

like i honestly dont know

and of course i never said any of those things because at the time it was too on the spot. all i could mumble out was that movies arent ejnoyable as an example and i feel like it didnt really translate well enough since later on he said maybe im not enjoying movies much because my thinking is too clouded with all the art stuff i learned in college to appreciate it for what it is

the conversation turned pretty one sided at that point

dad just said that the feelings im having arent unique and that my entire generation in general has these issues and mostly said its due to the internet because my generation spends all their time online to be social which isnt the same as actually getting out and seeing people and hanging out there and that what im feeling is partly to blame due to all i do is go to work and then come home and dont do anything else inbetween

yeah, i agree with him, obviously social media interactions dont equal actual hugs and meet ups and the like, of course not.

but at the same time the reason i dont do anything when im home is because i dont have the will to do anything. im so tired and so exhausted. and unless im being invited to something or find a reason to get up i just wont leave my room sometimes.... and i dont think its laziness?

i mean back in college this was an issue too. thats when i started to scratch at myself as a way to self harm. there were several times i would just lock myself in a public restroom or hide out in some trees and wait out an anxiety attack because i didnt want my friends or roommates to ask questions. and whenever i came back from going to club meetings and hang outs in the city or whatever i found myself feeling exhausted and terrible. 

like okay, one, i had stress from being away from home and having so much school work certainly didnt help anything but this was also the most social i ever got and was working with such a wide circle of people and doing things that i *loved* which were good things?

im really lost right now. dad is right i am isolated now that im here which doesnt help anything. maybe im not depressed maybe its all in my head. maybe my problem isnt that im not feeling anything but i dont have anyone to hang out with because i dont make friends or deep personal connections with people who are in my area.

but maybe the reason i dont do that is because im so anxious all the time. maybe im so tired all the time is for those same reasons. maybe the reason i dont feel anything is because im too tired to process anything. maybe i do feel and have emotions like anger fear and crying but only at precise moments that trigger them into a hurricane. maybe what i need is help to deal with this anxiety thats eating me alive so that im drowning in nothing.

maybe thats my problem. in which case i still need help. i cant live my life in this perpetual state of saying whatever the hell without processing whats going on or even caring about it. or freezing up and unable to say what i mean because i dont know what i mean or am thinking in the first place. 

i am so damned tired

it took so much effort to convince myself i needed to speak up, and then to go through with the act, and find the doctors and everything and now being questioned like this, even if it was out of concern or similar motiviations, this is just my worst fear confirmed

im already filled with confusion and self doubt about every other aspect there is i dont need another reason to doubt my own mental statei already spent probably 3? 4 years? convinced this was all in my head?

i dont even know why he asked this, his own sister has depression and his wife, my mom had it too when i was born? im not sure if he was asking out of concern or wariness because he doesnt want me to get addicted on opiodes or what

i dont even WANT medication. im so afraid at the idea that once im medicated i’ll actually go through with it. right now the only thing im taking is some vitamin d supplements and thats it. i dont want to take anything else. not until im out of the house and living somewhere where i dont know where the key to the gun cabinet and gunshells are located.

.

.

.

i think the worst part is at the end of the talk he said that if i ever wanted to talk about anything i could always come to him. he doesnt even realize how conflicting that is to say after asking if im sure i have depression. and im not even sure how to even broach that topic myself

i am so tired

[extrafemi]

Applying for TEF Seed Capital.

I am going to start by saying if you have not heard about the TEF (Tony Elumelu Foundation) by now, you are probably neither Nigerian nor African. If you are, then you must have been sleeping under a rock. Going forward, I will refer to the Tony Elumelu Foundation (formerly Tony Elumelu Entrepreneurship Programme) as TEF.

This post is simply to answer some of the questions I have been asked about the TEF as I am privileged to be part of the class of 2016. In this post, I will mostly be sharing;

My experience signing up and going through the TEF process.

About TEF official and unofficial group forums.

What TEF is and it isnt.

Finally, managing your expectations about the TEF seed capital.

P.S: I am not a TEF staff or a brand ambassador for TEF (though i wish i was). I am an entrepreneur. So here goes:

Applying for TEF...

I first heard about the TEF in 2015 but didn't apply until 2016. When I eventually did apply. I applied my business idea- ChatClass NG. I had been working on it since 2013 and even Hotels.ng boss; Mark Essien had tried to help me with it at some point. S/O to him for his patience and time.

I didnt apply in 2015 for one reason: I said to myself “Shey iru e lonwan be?” (Translation: Is it your type they (TEF) are looking for there?).

But I finally put together my business plan and applied in 2016. The application process was simple and easy. In a couple of hours, I was done.

Lessons. (As I said, i would be sharing lessons as I go on)

I have been asked about my “winning edge” to get in. Unfortunately, i doubt that exists or if it does, I don’t think I have one. Ultimately, it boils down to your application. TEF has an independent screening process (Accenture) for applications and business plans to ensure transparency. So knowing TEF staff personally or sending email means nothing. Your application is basically being judged by people who dont know you, who you dont know and who you may never meet.

While it is okay to ask for help while applying, it is important to do it yourself. Not because TEF might find out if someone else applies for you but hey, its your business. Doesn't it make sense to apply by yourself?

Parmindir Vir shared that a lot of ladies started their applications in the 2015 set and never finished for some reason. Hence the statistics of Female applicants was really poor. TEF followed up with female applicants in 2016 encouraging them to finish their applications and surprisingly, the statistics improved significantly. So this is dedicated to the ladies applying or thinking of applying: PLEASE COMPLETE YOUR APPLICATIONS! PLEASE!!

The fact that I got selected means anyone can get in if you apply but If you dont get in still, pick yourself up and get ready for 2018.

After applying, I waited. Here is some statistics:

Out of the 1000 entrepreneurs to be selected across Africa, 600 will be Nigerians and the remaining 400 will be split across the other 53 countries in Africa. So if you are a Nigerian reading this, good for you.

Of the 1000 businesses to be selected, the largest sector is Agriculture, followed closely by Education (which I am in) and then the others. So if you are in any of them and reading this again, good for you.

In 2015, 20,000 entrepreneurs applied. In 2016, 65,000 entrepreneurs applied. It is estimated that about 85,000 to 100,000 entrepreneurs will apply in 2017. So brace up!

With the growing focus on driving female entrepreneurs especially in Africa, special attention will be paid to female entrepreneurs just like there was in 2016. So if you are a lady reading this, good for you.

After getting selected...

One day, an email arrived from TEF. It contained a video from Mr. Elumelu himself. I nearly deleted it and wondered why TEF would send an email to tell me I had failed to get in, more-so in a video from the Chairman himself. But I watched it and there were the first words i heard: “If you are watching this video, Congratulations you are one of the 1000 entrepreneurs selected this year…..” The email will also be the first of very many emails, webinar invitations, instructions et al from TEF. The list of the winners will also be published on the TEF website.

Lessons.

Sometimes, it is your type they are looking for, lol. Your idea might just be the solution Africa is looking for.

The answer you seek might just be in that next email. Dont be in such a hurry to hit the delete button. Read first.

Yeah, you will be contacted via email. Please close attention to your email.

Attend the webinars. It contains answers to all the questions you will have as you go on.

You will also be assigned a mentor to guide you through a 12-week online bootcamp. Work with him or her (I sent mine a linkedin connection the same day I found out his name) and don’t be worried about getting your ideas stolen (that’s just silly).

It is important to actually do the tasks in the 12-week online bootcamp and even more important to do it yourself. Not because TEF might find out if someone else does it for you but hey, its your business. Doesn’t it make sense to do by yourself? I had a business running, staff to manage, a 9–5 job, was taking an online class from maestro Steve Harris and still did my tasks and assignments myself. I was waking up 3:30am and sleeping 12 midnight. Dont worry about getting stuck, thats why you have a mentor. S/O to Future Software Nigeria Resources Ltd boss, Nkemdilim Uwaje Begho for all her her encouragements during this time.

If you have not registered your business, it is in your best interest to do so and you would be required to submit your CAC documents and open a business account. You can however leave this till the later end of the online bootcamp. 

After the online bootcamp…

After the online bootcamp, we were asked to submit reports, milestones, documents and our business plans. I should confess at this point that I had help with my financials but she and I did it together. The irony here is that the financials got rejected twice during which I was forced to redo myself before it got approved. So again, Ask for help but do it yourself. After I submitted all the required documents, we geared up for the TEF conference in Victoria Island, Lagos.

At the TEF conference….

I should duff my hat to the TEF team for pulling this one off. I am talking about logistics for at least 2000 people (TEF class of 2016- us, TEF class of 2015 who volunteered, TEF staff and other third-party services); yet it was mostly seamless! The meals were amazing, the registration desk seemed to munch up their queues like hungry lions and did I mention the speakers were on point?! Attend sessions, take notes, Ask questions…intelligently. The conference ended with a concert with one of Africa’s finest musicians- P Square. I should admit at this point that I developed a crush on one of the speakers- Somachi. Lord! She slay-ed! I am still not cured but hope she doesnt read this, lol!

Okay! Moving on! Lessons. This isn't a written requirement but NETWORK, NETWORK and just when you think you have done enough, NETWORK some more. The TEF conference has entrepreneurs from all 54 countries in Africa in one place at a time and that is ah-mazing! No, I do not think anyone has ever been able to manage such a feat. By sunday morning, it was all over.

About TEF official and unofficial group forums. A lot of whatsapp and telegram groups will emerge. You should know that none of them are authorized by TEF. The only recognized platform for interaction between TEF entrepreneurs 2015, 2016 and the eventual 2017 is the TEF Hub which you will be sent logins to access.

What TEF fund is and it isnt. What TEF gives is SEED CAPITAL to fund the business plan you submitted. You are not allowed to change your business idea after being funded or transfer the fund to other uses. It is NOT a grant or a “dash money” or a loan. It is also wise not to pay tithe on this money for our brothers and sisters in the lord. lol.

There was a story that was shared with me about some guy who was TEF 2015 alumni, got in and after getting the funds went back to his Job on the pretext of the funds not being enough. That is saddening as he has prevented someone else the opportunity of being funded. TEF will give an initial $5,000 and create the opportunity to request an additional $5,000 if the initial isn’t enough based on certain terms and conditions. There was also a story about some guy in some African country who won funds at some Microsoft business competition used the funds to marry a second wife! lord!

If this is your plan or similar to the above, it is in your best interest not to apply at all.

Finally, managing your expectations about the TEF seed capital. The moment your name is on the TEF 2017 list, you are guaranteed of the initial funds of $5000…well, almost guaranteed. However, TEF will only pay when they are ready. As much as they intend to keep to time and work very hard to ensure funds arrive as scheduled, sometimes, things never go the way we plan. That’s life. The conference was in September 2016 but I didnt get my funds until January 2017. I have friends who have gotten into debt over money they hadn't received or spent all their savings in hope of the funds. I will simply share one lesson about money i learnt from my mother when I was much younger… “Do not spend money you have not yet seen” Until the money enters your account, it is not yet yours and you have not yet seen it.

Are writers eligible to apply? Honestly, I dont not know but better Question: Is it a business? Is it scale-able? will it transform Africa? If yes, then by all means please apply. Oh, and my business? Click here to find out all about it. Got questions I haven’t answered already? please leave a comment.

Be wise and all the best, Femi.