#well. first time we had mice. good things happened that changed my life.

[paytato435]

Chapter 7: Stability

Sunshine

Casey carefully noted the time he left the library and figured, with a little embellishment, he could easily explain away why he would be so late getting home everyday. And if he really needed help with homework, at least he’d have something to talk to Big Mama’s turtle about.

That sounded really boring. Maybe he shouldn’t do that.

But Angel had somehow made world history more interesting, and he could tell she was very interested in the subject. She went over the driest facts and notes and somehow turned it into legend. Which kind of amused Casey because she didn’t seem to be the type of person to be into such things. Well, who was Casey to judge? Appearances hardly meant anything these days.

Feeling more optimistic than he had in a while, Casey found himself arriving all too quickly to the Grand Nexus Hotel. 

As it turned out, Big Mama’s idea of getting her prisoners to socialize was to lock the both of them in the musk turtle’s bedroom. It was huge. Trophies, medals, and large paintings covered the four royal purple walls. There was a large armoire on the wall adjacent to him, and an ornate vanity across the room. Horrifyingly, there was the head of a stuffed ogre yokai mounted above the bed.

The bedroom also had a window looking over the arena- Casey had to admit, it was a pretty sick view. When he approached the glass, the girl followed him too.

“So, do you actually talk at all?” She just looked at him with curious brown eyes.

Cool, very cool.

“At least you have a good view of the arena. It’s something to watch. Are you in here all day?” 

The girl shook her head. Casey turned around and looked at all the paintings on the walls. Most of them were portraits of Big Mama’s champions; posing, dying, ripping apart their competitors. It was a little hard to look away from it all.

“This place is claustrophobic,” he whispered, more to himself than to the girl. He did a little circle of the room, before plopping down on the bed. “What do you do all day?”

The girl turned back to face the window and sat down on the floor.

“Yeah, that sounds about right.” Casey watched her for a couple minutes as she stared out at the arena. Far down below, Mama’s ever triumphant kraken swung its nasty arms at a horde of small mice yokai. Or maybe they were hamsters- they were too small and too far away to tell.

Casey sat back down next to the girl.

“Big Mama says you don’t remember anything from before she picked you up. Is that true? Are you a yokai, or a mutant like me? Do you even know?” the girl shrugged her shoulders.

“I wish we knew your name. Stinkpot is an awful thing for her to call you.” she nodded.

Without even really thinking about it, Casey signed; ‘I’m sorry.’

‘It’s fine, don’t worry,’ she signed back.

“Wait… you sign?” Casey jumped, scooting back and turning to face her.

‘Sometimes.’

“Do they know? Are you mute?”

‘No, sometimes I am mute.’

‘Yes.’ It was enthusiastic, as if she’d finally been understood.

“Do you want to talk, not out loud I mean, but-”

‘Where did you learn to sign?’ she asked.

‘My dad,’ he answered without thinking much about it. “And my uncles.”

“We used it for signals, mostly. I don’t know a lot more than the basics, just for like… when I need to be silent.” the girl nodded.

‘Where did you learn to sign?’ she shook her head. Right, of course she wouldn’t know that. 

‘Sorry.’

‘I don’t belong here,’ she signed, looking a little sad.

“No, you don’t.”

‘Can you get me out of here?’

Casey took a breath. He wished he could break her out of here. But he couldn’t help her. If he did, he’d lose his cloaking charm. He couldn't let that happen.

‘I can’t.,’ he signed. He hated lying to her, but he had to figure himself out first. He needed his cloaking charm back, he needed himself back. Instead, he changed the subject.

‘What do you know about yourself?’

The turtle leaned back and scrunched her face together, as if trying desperately to remember something.

‘I love yellow. It’s my color.’

‘Life color?’

‘Yes.’

“Like your patterns?” Casey asked, looking at the yellow markings on her cheeks.

‘Like… sunshine. Call me Sunshine.’

“Sure! I like that. We could use some sunshine down here.” That made her smile.

'You have a family.' It was a question, inviting him to talk about his least favorite subject.

'I… I had a family,' he signed slowly. 'They are all gone now.'

'I'm sorry.'

'It's fine. I…'

Casey suddenly realized that he was having a conversation with someone completely unrelated to his future. The younger versions of his family weren't there.

'Could I… tell you about my dad?' he signed, nervously.

He committed to the ‘dad’ title. Spelling sensei wasn't worth it.

'I don't have anything to talk about,' Sunshine shrugged. 'Free real estate.'

Casey almost smiled. What was wrong with him?

'He passed away just recently,' Casey explained. How many days had it been? Somehow the days past had run together. Too many had passed. The knot in his stomach reminded him there would only be more to follow. He was constantly moving away from that moment at what felt like a breakneck speed. 'I didn't get to say goodbye.'

'What happened?'

Casey inched closer to the glass and put his forehead against the cool surface.

'He saved my life. We were under attack.'

Sunshine scooted up closer and he turned his head to watch her sign. He kept his cheek glued to the glass. He felt a little stupid doing it, but it kinda felt nice, too.

'I'm glad you are safe.'

'You and I are similar,' he noticed. 'No family. No home.'

'Then where do you go?'

'When I am not here I have a place to sleep. I go to school now, I guess. But where I am…' he took a deep breath. 'I don't belong.'

'Then we also have that in common.'

Casey forgot he wasn't trying to share things. He had deliberately left that out earlier.

'My dad wanted me here, but I sometimes wish I was back home.'

'But you said your family is gone? How could you go home?'

Casey had thought about this more than he cared to admit. There was nothing in the future for him. Sometimes he wondered if he could go back there just to be a part of that ending. Would he die? Most likely. But he could die anywhere, at any time. At least if he was there he would go to the same place his family was.

'I don't think I'll ever see them again,' he realized.

'Yeah, that's kind of what being dead means.'

Casey grimaced. He had been leaving her out of his thoughts too much.

'I'm sorry, I'm not making much sense.' he paused. He was also tired of explaining himself. 'I see them in my dreams sometimes… my family.'

'I don't have dreams anymore.'

'You mean you forget them? Most people do.' 

'I'm not exactly sure. I remember what dreams are, but that's it.'

Casey nodded in understanding.

'Do you know what color you are?'

'I'm pink,' he signed, smiling shyly.

'How do you know?'

'How do you know you're yellow?'

Sunshine looked out the window. She looked frustrated.

'I just do.'

"My uncle told me mine a long time ago," Casey whispered, joining her gaze. "He said it represents love and family."

'Ironic.'

"You don't have to tell me," he pulled up his knees to his chest.

'What does yellow mean to you?'

"Do you know?" Casey asked curiously.

Sunshine shook her head. 'I just have a vibe.'

"Colors are 100% vibe-based," Casey confirmed. "If you're the same yellow as your arms, that represents stability."

Sunshine wheezed.

"Stability?" The first word she said out loud made Casey snap to attention.

"Uh, yeah. Like the sun always rising in the morning. Reliable, patient, eternal."

“It doesn’t sound much like me,” Sunshine huffed. ‘I don't feel very stable right now,’ she admitted, lowering her head.

"If it makes you feel better, some people think it's all pseudoscience anyway. The life colors, I mean."

Casey remembered Donatello saying something similar once. At one time he would have agreed with him, but after his run in with Angel today…

"At the end of the day, it's just you," he shrugged. "Even if it's just a vibe, I think it's helped me get to know you better."

Sunshine nodded.

"What will you do when I'm gone?" he asked her curiously. It had occurred to him that she hadn't answered his question earlier.

'Mama has me training.' Sunshine signed again. 'Running, fighting, there's two others I see and train with, but I'm Mama's favorite.”

'Others?' Sunshine nodded.

'They don't remember anything either.'

'Turtles?'

'No.' she paused and thought about it for a minute. 'A pig-like thing and a rhinoceros.'

'Your competition, then?'

Sunshine nodded.

'Mama wants me to beat them both at my debut or whatever. They are… much bigger than me.'

'Rhinos are pretty big.'

When Casey looked into her eyes, he could see she now looked very afraid.

'Sometimes I can't even walk. I forget how to move. I fall over all the time. I can't beat them.'

'Why do you fall over?'

Sunshine rolled forward to her hands and knees to get up in what was clearly a struggle. It was like watching a toddler try to stand. When she was upright, she used the glass for a moment to balance herself.

The struggle was all too familiar, and realization hit Casey like a toddler run over by a shopping cart.

She was just like him.

'”Give me your hand, Casey.”

Casey looked down at his three fingers.

“Don't look at your hand Casey, just look at me.”

Casey couldn't look away. This was impossible. His fingers moved in a way he didn't expect. He'd often thought the third finger would act like his ring and pinky fingers together, but instead it was as strong and independent as his middle finger. He still felt that connection to his ring and pinky finger in his head, but when he tried to 'move' them, nothing happened. Instead, he tapped his 'middle' finger to his thumb repeatedly; morbid curiosity and a lingering feeling of fright hanging over him.

“Are you going to sit there all day, bud?”

“It's weird,” was all Casey offered his sensei as the larger turtle sat down next to him.

Leonardo offered up his own hand, and Casey took it. They were the same now. Well, sensei's hands were much larger and calloused, but the point still remained.

“You have to get up and walk at some point, Casey.”

“Yeah,” Casey agreed, but it was so hard. Having a shell on his back completely threw off his balance.

“The more you do it, the easier it gets.”

Just like squats, or running, Casey thought. But he was back to square one. Sure the muscle was still there, but the memory was not.

Leonardo took Casey's other hand and gently pulled him off the bed. “Lean forward,” he instructed.

Casey grumbled but complied, keeping his weight forward, his head nearly bumping into Leonardo's plastron.

“Too far, Case,” the slider smiled.

He scowled up at his sensei, but that movement tipped him too far back, and he fell back onto the bed.

He heard his sensei suppress a chuckle.

“How do you do it?” Casey asked angrily.

“Just keep trying.”

So Sunshine was a mutant too. That was hardly surprising. Big Mama had probably erased her memory so she wouldn't try to escape. She might actually have a family out there looking for her. This was really bad.

But Casey couldn't tell her that. If she knew, she'd probably freak out like he did, and it took him ages to get used to his body again. She had two weeks. They needed to stay focused on the situation at hand.

"I see what you mean," Casey said as he watched Sunshine walk across the room. She was doing better than he had, for sure, but he noticed she swayed a bit sometimes, and she was all too focused on the walking to say or do anything else. Another reason why she didn't talk much.

"When I come back tomorrow, we should practice walking," Casey suggested, standing up and moving next to her. He tried to give her room, but he was ready to catch her if need be.

She stopped and looked at him with broken eyes.

'Humiliating,' she signed, wobbling.

Yeah, he knew the feeling.

-

When Casey was finally released, he actually felt a little lighter than when he came in. He felt almost confident. Sure, the others were going to have questions, but he actually had some people he could talk to that weren't… a living breathing reminder of everything that he had lost. Yippee.

“Are you sure you need this back turtley-boo? All those little rough edges make you look so pontiferably dangerous.”

“Yes.” Big Mama rolled her eyes and handed him back the black cloaking charm. He quickly re-tied it around his ankle, and in a moment, he was Casey again. He could breathe again.

“You can come by anytime as long as it is everyday,” Big Mama told him, also handing back his bag. “Don’t think of running away. I have a tracking enchantment on you. I know where you are, always.”

He had been wondering how she was going to keep track of him.

“I have a question for you, Mama,” he stated, standing back up.

“Yes dearie?”

“What have you done to Synth?”

“Why, nothing fidgetbun! Synth is too useful to me. He’s not going anywhere,” she sighed. “And I’m watching you both, so don’t get any more nasty ideas.”

That was a surprise. He didn’t think she’d want him around after all that she’d overheard.

“You don’t know the name of the game do you?” Big Mama gave him a calculating smile.

“I have an idea,” Casey clenched his fists. In a twisted way, they were depending on each other. “But I suppose you aren’t about to let him make swords for Leo.”

Big Mama giggled.

“I couldn’t care less what those idiots get up to. We’ll just have to see what happens.”

Doctor Feelings II

"So, what happened today, Mr. Jones?" asked Dr. Feelings, peeking over his fake reading glasses.

"Aren't I supposed to be the one on the couch?" Casey asked, his head between his hands, and his butt in Splinter's old recliner.

"You watch too many movies, Mr. Jones. I'm the doctor here, I will be asking the questions."

Mikey squinted. “I just did, what happened today?”

“Ok, ask away.”

“Oh. Well…” What didn’t happen today? “I tried out for field hockey.”

“Field hockey huh? And how was that, did you have fun?”

“Actually, I did. Everyone said I played pretty well, but there was this one girl…”

“A girl, huh? I know all about those.” Casey glanced over at Mikey and saw he was scribbling away on a notepad- no, his drawing pad. He was doodling.

“She said I was a shit forward.”

“But you’ve never played hockey before!”

“Yeah, but it still kinda hurt.”

“Did you tell her that?”

“Of course not!” Casey snapped defensively. That would probably only get Angel to tease him worse.

"Why not?"

Casey sat on his hands and didn't say anything.

"Is she cute?" Mikey asked, raising his brow.

"What?"

"The girl. Is she cute?"

“Of course she’s cute!” he blurted out without thinking about it.

The face Mikey made was so immediately excited and opportunistic that it made Casey regret talking to him in the first place.

“Are you going to ask her out?!” he asked, jumping up and down in his seat.

“What? No! Well, define ask out? We went to the library today-”

“You went on a study date?! Casey what the fuck it’s literally the first day of school!”

“Casey did what?!” Oh no. Oh no no no no no NO.

The last person he wanted to talk to about this poked his head out of their shared room.

“Casey went on a date?!” Leo asked, his smile so large and mischievous it made Casey want to scream.

“I did not!” Casey shouted, sounding all the more unconvincing.

“He did!” Mikey shouted back to Leo, only making the situation worse.

“What happened to client confidentiality!?” Casey argued, standing up and crossing his arms.

“I’m not licensed!” Mikey countered with a smile. “Do I get licensed in the future?”

“There aren’t licenses in the future!” Casey pointed out, fuming. Mikey seemed genuinely upset as he pouted, but Leo came in just in time to make things worse.

“Tell me all about your new girlfriend, Case,” he insisted, dropping himself onto the living room couch beside his brother.

“Absolutely not,” Casey scoffed. “And she’s not my girlfriend. We just went over history notes together.”

“But you like her. Does she like you?” Casey could not believe this was happening.

“You could ask her out to the Homecoming dance! It’s coming up,” Mikey offered.

“That’s literally two months away!” Casey pointed out.

“Well, you never know, someone else might have their eye on her,” Leo noted, pointing and raising his brow.

“We are done talking about this,” Casey asserted.

“You might be done talking about this,” Leo smirked. “But Splints is going to wanna have a sit down with you if you don’t tell us how your date went.”

“You wouldn’t dare,” Casey whispered.

“Oh I dare,” Leo confirmed, lifting his feet up onto the couch and sprawling over Mikey. He pressed a middle finger gently to his temple. “I remember it like it was yesterday, the day Raph came home all excited with a crush on someone he had just bumped into in the Hidden City. Have you heard the story?”

“I could tell you yours if you want to,” Casey threatened.

“What?!” Leo suddenly lost his cool.

“If Splints has only given Raph the talk at this point, you guys are in for a world of pain,” Casey nodded.

“Even me?!” Mikey asked.

“Not as bad for you, Mikey,” Casey waved him off, looking down at the poor, helpless slider, and leaned down to get on his level.

“If you tell Master Splinter anything, I’ll let him know everything you get up to for the next twenty years.”

“How do you even know that?”

“Aside from your own over-dramatic monologues? Master Michelangelo told the best stories when he was wasted.”

Leo shot up from his position over his brother to give him a dangerous look. “You snitch!”

“I haven’t done anything!” Mikey yelped, popping into his shell reflexively. Leo jumped up to snatch at his brother, but Casey did it first, holding the boxed box turtle at arms length.

“Nuh uh uh!” he tutted. “I’m still having my session with him.”

“Well I think it’s probably my turn to take my feelings out on him,” Leo demanded.

“That’s not how therapy works!” Mikey squeaked from the safety of his shell. 

“Let him go, Leo. You can have him when I’m done,” Casey compromised.

Finally the slider relented, but he sure did not look happy about it.

“We are going to have so many words, hermano,” he puffed, before retreating back to his room.

“SO MANY WORDS!”

Casey had a feeling it was going to be more than just words.

“Is he gone?” Mikey whispered, poking his head out.

“Yeah, he’s gone,” Casey sighed, setting the turtle back down.

“Why’d you rat- why’d you snitch on me like that?” Mikey grumbled. “I haven’t even said anything!”

“It was funny, I guess,” Casey shrugged.

“If you think I’m going to help you out after that you’re insane.”

“Well you’re safe as long as you’re still talking to me,” Casey reasoned, only faintly recognizing that he sounded a bit like Big Mama as he did so.

“Fine,” Mikey huffed, picking his drawing pad back up. “But this is the last session for a while. I don’t know if I can handle this.”

“If I’m being honest, I don’t think I can either. I just needed him to shut up.” Casey leaned back into Splinter’s chair. It was scratchy and uncomfortable, but for some reason it just felt welcoming.

“I hear that,” Mikey nodded. “So you went on a date with the girl from field hockey, but you don’t want to talk about it. Anything else happen at school?” Casey didn’t think he had anything to say, but saw Mikey scratch his temple and he remembered something.

“There’s also a guy on the team who recognized me from the invasion.”

“WHAT?!”

“He saw my hockey mask in my bag.”

“April told you not to bring that!”

“I know, I know, but I get nervous not having my equipment with me.”

“I keep my nunchucks in my bag too.”

“Why do you bring your nunchucks to school?"

“Nuh uh uh, Mr. Jones. We’re here to talk about you. Why do you get nervous not having your gear with you?”

Because Casey never felt safe. Not really. There was always something out to get him.

Casey shrugged. “This is entirely unfair.”

“I’ll be having this conversation with myself later, don’t worry. Why do you bring your hockey mask to school?”

“In case something bad happens.”

“Like what?” Mikey was peeking over his drawing pad again. Casey crossed his arms.

“I’m not here to judge that.”

“I don’t know, like the technodrome exploding into the sky again. I know that’s ridiculous-”

“But you think it is.”

“It’s a little ridiculous,” Mikey admitted.

“Every morning I wake up and-”

“You have a silly little oatmilk coffee,” Mikey interrupted.

“Are you here to listen or what?!” Mikey ducked behind the drawing pad.

“I wake up thinking I’m back there again. In the future, and I… I have to remind myself that no, everyone is dead and that part of my life is forever over.”

“Yeah, I’m really sorry I keep interrupting. That’s horrible,” Mikey apologized, looking down at the ground.

“Isn’t it? That guy I met today, Gavin, he helped me pull my hair back for practice and I jumped out of my skin because I couldn’t keep my eyes on him the whole time. Everything is a threat.”

“You let him help you though?”

“Yeah.”

“How was that?”

“That was nice. I think we could be friends.”

“That’s good. He was nice to you then?”

“Yeah.” Casey glanced over and tried to look at what Mikey was drawing, but Mikey shifted away.

“Back off Future Boy, these are the doctor’s notes. Doctors only.”

“You’re gonna grow hair one day," Casey told him suddenly.

“What?”

“You taught me how to tie my hair back, when I was little.”

Mikey looked like he couldn't decide whether to explode or melt into a puddle.

“That is soooooo cool,” he whispered. “When you’re born I’m going to be the cool uncle.”

“Am I even going to be born, though?”

“Why wouldn’t you be?”

Casey had thought about this before, probably too many times.

“There will probably be another Casey Junior, just… not me like you’re Master Michelangelo.”

“What does that mean?”

“Well, Master Michelangelo is made up in part of your shared experiences with him. But a Casey born here will never have the same experiences I had.”

“And…. how does that make you feel?”

Casey dipped his chin into his chest.

“More lonely than ever before, I guess.”

“One of a kind,” Mikey noticed, in an attempt to cheer the boy up.

“Sure,” Casey shrugged. “Are we done here?”

“I mean, we’re done whenever you want to be…” Mikey glanced over to Leo and Casey’s room nervously.

“Cool, we’re done,” Casey sighed. “I want to go to bed.”

“Well… give me a head start before you go,” Mikey told him, putting the pad down and edging his way back towards the entrance to the lair.

“I’ll give you ten seconds.”

Mikey sprinted away faster than Casey could blink.

But it wouldn’t be faster than Leo could chase him.

-

"Hey, where ya goin’, Pink?"

"Angel? Did I forget something?" Casey turned around and saw his fellow sophomore running to catch up to him. She was still wearing her field hockey clothes, but she was carrying her cleats in hand. She was only wearing her socks?

"Uh, what? No. I just… I needed to talk to you," she said between breaths.

"Do you… wanna change your shoes first?"

The color from Angel’s face, despite its rosyness from practice, seemed to drain away entirely as she looked down at her feet.

"Oh, uh, yeah.” She flashed her teeth at him with a frustrated expression on her face. “Give me a second, would ya?" She unzipped her bag and pulled out her street shoes. She struggled to keep her balance as she tried to pull one of them on.

"You can sit down if you want to," Casey offered, tilting his head to one side.

"On the sidewalk? No thanks."

Casey sat down on the sidewalk next to her. "It's not so bad," he shrugged.

With a huff, Angel let herself fall next to him, bumping into his shoulder as she went down.

"Hey, watch it!"

"You watch it, Pink. You would be the kind of guy to just sit wherever.”

"What does that mean?" he asked, even though he couldn’t help but smile.

Angel didn't answer, she just kept tying her shoes.

"Does it have to do with my pinkness again?"

Angel gave him a glare.

"Let me guess, you're purple. Does that make us a pair?"

Angel blushed, and Casey cracked up laughing.

"Ugh, Pink fuck! What is wrong with you?"

“And Pink Fuck, what’s up with that? Couldn’t think of anything better?” he teased her.

“Well what should I call you, Jones? You’re a big mess of colors dancing all over the place.”

“How does that work anyway, seeing people’s colors?” he asked, curious.

“It just does,” she shrugged. “What’s it like not seeing people’s colors?” she shot back, making a face at him.

She was unbelievable.

Angel finished tying her shoes, and then stood back up.

"So, what did you want to tell me?" he asked, getting to his feet as well.

Angel dug around in her bag and pulled out a sheet of paper.

"It's our schedule… for the games. Congrats… uh… you made the team."

"Wait, really?" he answered in disbelief.

"Are you actually surprised?" She looked like he’d just asked her what color the sky was.

Casey raised his eyebrows. "I thought you said I was shit."

"I did," she tilted her chin up in a pout.

"So how did I make the team?"

"You're the only guy who tried out, dumbass!” she jammed the schedule to his chest.

"Oh, yeah, I guess so," he figured, taking the paper from her and looking at the print. It looked like they still had a couple weeks before their first game.

"But you do get to be a forward, so there is that," she sighed, re-zipping her bag and slinging it over her shoulder.

"Cool."

"Cool."

Casey tilted his head.

"Was that… everything you had to tell me?" he asked.

He couldn’t help but notice her blush again. It was kinda cute. "Where were you headed? I thought we were going back to the library again."

"We are, but you were taking forever so I thought I’d meet you there."

“You were gonna leave me?!” she huffed, adjusting her bag.

“I mean I was kind of hoping you’d see me and hurry up…” he kicked his boot on the pavement.

Angel gave him a look he hoped meant she was mad but willing to let him get away with it.

“Whatever, let’s just go,” she told him, passing him and bumping into his shoulder again as she went.

-

“Thanks for joining the team, by the way,” Angel said as they returned to the library. “I think Gavin told you already, but we hardly have enough people to actually play… what with all the…” she waved her hands around. She hoped he got the idea.

“The what?” Casey did not get the idea at all.

“You know, everyone skipping town because of the… what do you call them? The… not human students?” She felt her face going red. Again. (She had to stop doing that.) She never could seem to remember the word…

“Oh… the yokai. Yeah, I get it,” Casey finally nodded. “Uh, thanks for having me I guess?”

She scrunched up her nose. “Don’t you dare back out, okay? I’ll find you if you do.” She hoped that sounded threatening, and not like some kind of promise.

“And do what exactly?” Casey smiled good-naturedly. She didn’t like that he was smiling at all.

Angel raised her fists and waved them like she was going to box him. “There’s a good reason they let me on the men’s field hockey team. Go ask any of them!”

“I believe you!” Casey chuckled. This guy…

Angel wanted to go on, but they were quickly shushed by a librarian, so they slinked over to their table in awkward silence.

“I’ve been meaning to ask Angel, and… you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to but-”

“Wait, did Gavin tell you what’s going on?” She cut in before he could finish. She had seen that look on too many other people’s faces before. She really hoped he wasn’t going to…

“He mentioned one of your friends disappeared, yeah.”

Fuck.

“Not my friend,” she corrected. “My best friend,” she hugged her backpack close to her chest. “We’ve been friends since second grade.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah. Everyone says that.” Please shut up.

“Well…”

“It’s whatever,” Angel cut in again. “Nobody ever fucking knows what to say. Even if you did bring it up.” She squinted her eyes at him. For the love of god stop talking.

“You seem… kinda normal about it,” he couldn’t help but wonder. “Aren’t you worried?”

“Of course I’m worried!” she raised her voice. She heard someone from a table over shush her again, but she ignored them. “What do you care?” she pouted.

Casey bit his lip, and Angel wondered where he’d gotten the nerve to even bring this up.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

And then Angel saw it. As he apologized, she saw his colors shift. The neon pink faded to a light rose. She blinked in surprise. She hadn't seen that happen to anyone before.

Well, not anyone she knew. People usually only had one hue. Sometimes it fluctuated in brightness or in shade depending on their mood, but the actual color itself didn’t shift; their hue was tied to their personality. You can’t just change your personality.

That was something that had caught Angel’s attention when she had met Casey. Pink was a weird color to have. While technically most people would say it was a shade of red, she argued his hue was pinned right between red and her own red-violet. Magenta might be more accurate, but Pink Fuck was way funnier. Whatever the exact color was didn’t matter- it was the family it belonged to that bothered her.

Reds had an exceptionally passionate or aggressive personality, and she didn’t see it anywhere in him. If she were blind, she’d guess he was the polar opposite- cyan or seafoam green. He was unbelievably cool and easygoing, so much so that it didn’t make any sense to her. The image of a wolf in sheep’s clothing came to mind. At first she had been curious to find out if she could break the cool facade.

But now that his color had shifted further red (albeit up many shades lighter), the curiosity swung immediately to fear.

The unstable aura was as chaotic as those she saw on the people outside Marina's apartment.

It made her shiver.

"Hey, are you alright?" Casey asked. She looked away immediately, realizing she had just been staring right into his eyes.

"You really shouldn't have," she agreed with a mutter.

"I… yeah," Casey looked down at his hands pensively.

And why would he care? Why was he asking about her? Why was he so upfront about spending time with her? He had shown up ‘coincidentally’ just after Marina had disappeared. Angel stood up. She had to get out of here. Casey followed her with his eyes, but didn't make a move to stand.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this right now," she picked her bag up.

"No, I'm sorry," he apologized again, but also looked confused. At the very least, he didn't act like the strange people she had seen before.

But that didn't mean she could trust him. Something about him was incredibly wrong.

She felt terrible, but quickly made her exit without another word. He had been so nice to her, even when she was constantly picking on him. But it was also too nice. It almost felt like he was playing mind games with her. She wished she could forget seeing the hurt in his eyes before she walked away.

That would have made her exit a lot easier.

-

 Kind

"Let me see your stance," Casey offered, and he helped Sunshine stand up. It felt like the world was shifting under her feet, but the small musk turtle managed to keep her balance.

She took her stance, practice sword in hand.

"Oh, you are waaaaay overcompensating," Casey realized, bending down to match her.

"You're too far forward, you need to stand up a bit straighter."

"That's what Synth said but-" Sunshine straightened up all the way, and started to fall back; just like Casey had done when he was younger.

"Ah!" Casey caught her and tipped her forward. "That's too far! It's like you're trying to stand like a human-" he cut himself off.

"A what?" Sunshine blinked at him.

"A human. Humans don't have shells, so they're center of gravity is different," Casey explained.

"What’s a human?"

Casey pressed his hands together and pursed his lips in thought.

"You don't know anything about anything outside of this nexus, do you?"

"I know… some things," Sunshine frowned. "Like, I know what sunshine is, even though there isn't any here. I don't know where it is, but it's warm and bright."

"It seems like parts of your lost memories can come through but others can't? Or haven't? You know ASL…”

Sunshine could see Casey looked very uncomfortable.

'I don't think we should be talking about this,' he signed.

'Why not?'

'We are being watched.'

'So?'

Casey shook his head.

'Don't trust Big Mama.'

Sunshine could figure that much.

'I will try and come up with a solution that will get your memories back. In the meantime, we need to stay quiet. Keep each other safe.'

'Get me out of here,' Sunshine pleaded.

'I will, I promise.' He sighed and turned to stand next to her. “Let’s focus on getting your balance right. You need to find that sweet spot between straight up and too far forward. Mimic me.”

Casey stood upright, but then shifted forward ever so slightly. Sunshine moved to follow him.

“This is uncomfortable,” she noticed, feeling the weight of her shell press into her lower back.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s going to feel weird for a while, but you’ll get used to it.”

“How am I supposed to walk like this?”

“Slowly at first,” Casey took a step forward, and Sunshine followed him. She swayed a little, but otherwise kept upright. “Let’s just practice this for a bit,” he suggested, turning and facing her.

“Ok,” Sunshine turned to mimic him but wobbled, and in an attempt to catch herself, bumped into his head. “Ah!”

Casey backed up and caught her arm.

“Or, we might be here for a while,” he chuckled as she righted herself. Sunshine gave him a scowl, but she was secretly grateful for his help. He was also way more patient than Synth was, and kinder than anyone else she had encountered here in the Nexus. She had started looking forward to seeing him everyday.

But she could tell he was keeping something from her, too. All of them were. Of course her doctor knew, he didn’t even try to pretend that, he just outright refused to talk to her about anything. Synth tried to play dumb, but he was also a bad liar; he often caught himself saying things to her he shouldn’t. 

Like when he mentioned Casey's brother had visited. Sunshine had been complaining about her sword again when Synth snapped and told her off for being a whiny baby. (His words, not hers.) She had no respect for the weapon, just like that slider from before. He had been grumbling, and when Sunshine had asked what he was on about, he grumbled something about Casey's arrogant brother. Casey hadn't mentioned a brother- he had said all his family had died.

So while Casey was kind, he was also a liar.

Sunshine wondered how she could get him to talk. Not just because she was curious, but also because it seemed like something was haunting him. Ok, maybe the dead family had something to do with that….

Sunshine was making practice swings when the first question came to her:

"So you know how to fight, did you learn that from your dad?”

Casey, who had been standing by watching her, looked surprised by the question.

“My dad?”

“Uh, yes?” Casey’s cheeks flushed.

“Ah… well, I don’t always call him my dad you see. I was sort of using it as a shorthand…”

Sunshine gave Casey a frown. Oh boy, he was full of shit wasn’t he?

“Ok, I guess he was my dad,” Casey admitted, crossing his arms defensively. “I usually call him my sensei. It was… less confusing, I guess? Trust me, you don’t want me to get into it.”

“If it’s confusing… was he your brother’s sensei too?” Sunshine asked, confused.

Seeming just as confused, Casey looked at her like she’d just slapped him.

“Where are you getting this?” he asked cautiously, lowering his voice and inching towards her.

Sunshine shrugged. “Where am I getting what?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, I’ve never mentioned having a brother to you.”

“But you do have one,” Sunshine smiled, narrowing her eyes.

“I have four,” he grumbled.

“You told me you didn’t have a family anymore,” Sunshine pointed out. “Do you wanna elaborate on that? Are you not on good terms with them…?”

“Synth told you about Leo didn’t he?” Casey realized.

“He told me your brother was arrogant.”

“That’s one word to describe him,” Casey sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

“How would you describe him?” Sunshine asked.

“Why are we talking about this?”

“Because…” Sunshine shouldered her sword and placed one hand on her hip. “... everyone is keeping shit from me. What else do you want to talk about with a girl who doesn’t remember jack shit?”

“Yeah but… Leo of all people…”

“You told me your family was dead!” Sunshine barked, losing her patience. “Everyone in this fucking place lies to me. Do I actually care about your brother? Probably not, but I thought you’d be different from the others at the very least. They’re keeping secrets from me; every. single. one of them. I have nothing to do but sit around here in this room and think all day. Think about nothing besides how much I don’t want to be here surrounded by a bunch of selfish and evil people!”

Casey leaned against the wall of the training room. He looked down at the floor for a moment, before facing her.

“I can’t tell you everything I know,” he explained, massaging his fingers. “But my brothers are part of the reason why I’m here. And as long as I am visiting you here, they can’t know what I’m doing. If you see them, you can’t approach them. Big Mama would be very much against it. If they notice you, turn the other way and don’t look back. They might even want to talk to you, chase you even, but you can’t let them know what we’re doing here.”

“Why is that?”

Casey’s expression went dark. “It will ruin them.”

“So what, you’re protecting them?” Casey nodded.

“What are they like?” Sunshine hoped she wasn’t pressing her luck, but to her surprise, Casey actually smiled. He rolled his eyes too, but he didn’t seem annoyed at the very least.

“Where would I even start?”

“We have plenty of time,” Sunshine reminded him, glancing at the clock on the wall. “Start with Leo, I guess.”

Casey sighed. “We’ll be here all night.”

Prev. Masterpost Next

Notes: Dialogue exchanged in sign language is written between 'apostrophes.' Scenes taking place in Casey's doomed future are written in italics.

[popculturebuffet]

BCN Retrospective: Year Two: Station Expansion (Patreon Review for Emma Fici

Hello all you cool cats! We're back on the air and now MONTHLY as Emma graciously agreed to make this her patreon review.

For those just joining us Breaking Cat News is a comic strip by georgia dunn that hit it's 10th anniversary just 11 days ago! So to commemerate this strip i'm chroncling all 9 years of it's existance, with Emma agreeing to sponsor. You can find part 1 HERE covering the first year. In short it's a strip covering three kitties and various aquantinces as they cover all the news that's relevant to cats. It's well done.

Year Two is where the strip starts to hit it's stride. Year one wasn't bad by any stretch. It had plenty of all time classics, including my personl faviorit I can't help but notice you only have two arms.

But while Year One has the strip's magic lightning in a bottle premise of cats reporting on things that happen from a cat's perspective, not quite getting how humans work and often explaning some of the weird things the cats in Georgia's life, the strip's other major strength is it's characters. With Year One it took a bit for the big three to really FEEL like themselves, while from the start of Year Two it's clear she has a solid idea of who these guys are in fiction, links it well to their real life selves, and thus the comedy only gets richer. While the premise is solid, the strip wouldn't be as good as it was if our main trio, later expanded to six, weren't so great and bounced off of each other, their humans and their supporting cast so well. Said supporting cast also gets expanded from two cats the guys hadn't met yet and one outdoor cat whose now their best friend: this year formally introduces Tabitha and Figaro and adds Sophie, Burt, Baba Mouse and the Robber Mice to the mix, all of which have been key fixtures in the strip since, while also adding the Girl on the human side. The humans also start to feel slightly more fleshed out, paticuarllyt he man whose exasperation with his stupid cat children coming more into view. It's what any second act of a work should be: somethign that only gets better and only enriches what was there. So let's dive into it under the cut?

Year two starts with a lot of buisness as usual. We get followup on Tommy getting a mic at the end of his christmas adventure, with him now being field reporter.. and his woman reacting approriately int he face of her pet having gottten lost

But the story really picks up shortly in with our first major story arc

Laudrevous

We begin with Lupin having found the laundry chute and with this year his dynamic with Elvis, one of the best parts of the strip is settled. Lupin and Elvis bigger like an oldest brother and youngest brother would, with puck as the calm peacekeeping middle child: Elvis acts stern, disgruntled and snarky with his jabs while Lupin tries to simply needle his brother with various verbal jabs at his vulnerabilities to get a rize out of Elvis, which works EVERY TIME.

Naturally Lupin ends up down the Chute and while Elvis is just as naturally annoyed, Puck condones with his exploration , as he finds his way to the laundry room for the first time nad explores it… and while he enjoys the quiet ironically enough.. he's not as alone as he thinks.

Of course this being Lupin it takes some brotherly shouting to realize he's not alone

He panics and we find out how Lupin commuincates with the others: he can read whiskers, a nice cat take on lipreading, and only can't understand Fig because he's not speaking english, but a quick nose sniff, the first of many in this strip, communicates that this guy is alright.

Lupin soon becomes more concerned iwth capering, and gets reported on by some non family cats for a change, with us getting subtitles for the first time. In the redo of the storyline we get this the whole time for reasons we'll get to in a moment, but I decided to save looking at the now translated dialouge for when I do those versions. For now it's clear the "cat of adventure" is okay and isn't stealing the laundry room. Naturally exactly who you expect takes it exactly as you'd expect and does exactly what you'd expect

It's a nice early show that while Lupin may bug the hell out of elvis on a daily basis… he loves his little brother and would be the first to kill for him shoudl the need arise. It really hasn't here but Elvis reacted to the kindest cat in the world with

Thankfully this time.. the kind new kitty has some backup to speed this up a bit

Tab instantly sets herself up as Lupin's rival: just as fierce.. but her temper's on far less of a hair trigger and only really gets pissed off when confronted and only threatens to tear Elvis' world asunder the second he harms her best friend. It's a shame her role kinda gets reduced as she goes, with other cats we'll meet taking up the roll of keeping Elvis in check. It's not a bad thing, it's just glear. Fig meanwhile… is just kinda there. I love his design and he's perfectly friendly but even when we can understand what he's saying he dosen't relaly stand out nearly as much as the other cats or his roomates and it's telling in most storylines even when he IS present it's Tabitha doing most of the talking. He's really either Lupin's friend or Tabitha's brother and roomate and dosen't get much beyond that.

Anyways long story short the guys escape the laundry room before the humans find them and our heroes now have a place to meet the neighbors.

Back in the apartment things have seemingly calmed with Elvis accepting the toddler.. and you allk now what that means

After the cats deal with everyone being gone, Lupin in paticular doing so with his usual grace , ellegance and dignity.....

Our heroes adjust to their new sibling/surrogate child. And while Elvis was a jealous older sibling about the boy.. when it comes to the girl?

It's sweet and really adds to Elvis: while he's.. elvis about being her protector as you'd expect, just check that last panel, it shows he has a parental side and where as he just kinda coped with the boy he actively encourages the girl like she was his own, as we'll see when he gets a kitty child next time.

We also get lupin mastering naked invisibility, and magic wind boxes, and the retun of the menace of the july bug. Again image limits mean I have to say all this but trust me it's awesome. What I did make sure I had space for was one of the sweetest moments in the strip

So after a lot of great strips, it's finally time for another arc. I'm not complaning mind:I like the strip breaking up storylines with various shenanigans of the cats and it's what makes the strip work, giving things time to breath before heavy serilzation kicks in. I mean these days just about everything is a storyline, but some are just weird stuff the cats are doing and some add more to the world or progress things. If I gloss over the strips inbetween and when we get to the uversal strips, sundays i'ts not out of lack of care btu more because I only have so much space because Tumblr is a butt. So with that we've reached

The AV Cat

This arc opens with a fantastic twist on the "ther'es a cat in the backyard" gag…

(burt) Naturally Elvis takes this with all the dignity and grace we know him for while Tommy gets to know our mysterious knew stranger, finding out his name is Burt and he's a laidback, kind barn cat. He also explains how he's here and how we haven't seen him before.

Burt's handsomeness to the other cats will be another runner, particularly with Pucky but everyone gets in on it. Burt being a casual sort invites Tommy along on his rounds as he heads to work. Burt takes tommy to his barn, as Burt is a barn cat. For those who've never seen one, Barn cats live in barns, mostly keeping out vermin. I"ve seena bout one and was sad it didn't want me to pet it. It's a nice way to shake it up as most other cats we see live in apartments and eventually most of the domestic ones we see live in the big pink house with only burt and someone we'll meet next time as the exceptions. Burt isn't alone there either. Not only do most of the barn animals flirt with him.. but he's not the only cat here

Baba is based on an elderly cat Georgia used to die who was long dead before the strip started and thus reinvented here as a longtime barn cat whose near feral, has a ton of children, and as you can tell takes not one iota of shit from anyone, not even Burt who as we'll learn later but i'm just gonna go ahead and reveal now, is her grandson. The Robber Mice you see there will, like Baba, be important later, but for now this is just setting them up for said later. THe focus is still on burt as TOmmy asks the question i'm sure we all had.

Naturally our heroes curosity is peaked.. and Elvis being concerned about Tommy (though naturally trying to brush it off) asks if there's a way Burt can link their home broadcasts so they can check in on him normally. Burt is fine with that as long as they have a place to meet.. so naturally our heroes settle on the laundry room and convince las gatos to buy in, and the next strip we se them test the new connections out.. and see that Tommy has a roomate.

While Las Gatos agree to mostly use it just for emergencies, the broadcasts are now linked and thus our heroes can check in with tommy anytime.. and as a result we find out he has a roomate.

We'll learn more about her later but with that the cast is mostly complete. There's more to come of course, but it was a trip to realize most of the core characters were introduced within the first two years, with two major additions next year to round it out until Georgia got some more real life cats and thus needed to expand to captalize on their real life shenanigans.

Seen a Ghost

Unlike with the last arc it's not as much of a lull between stories as we get our next one with a pretty important addition to the lore. Breaking Cat News mostly sticks to reality.. granted it's a reality where all the cats are reporters and have access to clothes, phones and whatever else they need, but their still bound by actual cat diets and the world is basically just "our world but with talking reporter cats"… but this arc introduces the one fantastical aspect beyond that….

Yup there's a ghost in his home, and it's better than being alone as she's a friendly reporter cat, though for radio as we'll find out much later, named Tillie. Ghosts are real in this setting, and will show up sporadically. It's something I had to adjust to pretty quick as when reading the daily strips without the context of the archive, as I hadn't caught up yet, I was shocked to find this setting had ghosts , let alone fairly detailed ghost lore. I"m okay with it as A) again we have to accept the cats being more sapient and wearing people clothes already so why not and B) it's a touching way to include pasts cats Georgia has had or known.

Thankfully though Puck is not the ONLY one to see the ghost as Tabitha does too, alerting her owner. Both The Woman and the Ceiling Woman agree ther'es a ghos tin their house and decide to do the stupid horror movie move of trying to contact it.. though fine in this case as it's an adorable sitcom about cats, and this ghost is one we know is harmless. She talks about Freddie, the owner of the house and the "new addition" something that will be vastly important MUCCCHHH later. For now our heroines try to summon the dead, while our heroes try to figure out who the heck this cat or Freddie is,

And Tommy interviews a possible eye witness

… and despite not seenig it… the ladies conjur up ANOTHER spirit

Our heroes are spooked naturally, though the man does find a valuable clue.. a cat skull, which is distressing…. and of course leaves Pucky with a less than inveable task

We soon find out just who the cat and her woman are as we get our major dollop of backstory for the house and the vauge new england town it resides in, all stuff Gerogia added: Turns out the woman was Freddie Quinn, who founded the Quinn Animal shelter that used to be housed in the Big Pink House and would go on to own a good chunk of the town owning Quinn Animal Shelter (which is now housed elsewhere and is where Tommy's woman works) and Quinn Farms (Where burt and baba live). Despite being a rich lady she was a kind one who used her wealth wisely and loved cats.. and as you can guess founded the shelter because she lost her own cat as a child, living in the same houes and making it into the intial site of the rescue because of that. It's a truly moving, well done story.

The sendoff is also truly moving as they bury the skull next to freddie.. which is technically illegal but well worth the possible fines, and as everyone says goodbye to the mow mow… two souls finally reunite and Elvis finallys ees ghosts

We also get him apologizing earlier to Puck, admitting he was probably right .. and getting that conformation here. It's a touching story that both sets up the house ghosts, yes there will be more, and the quinn backstory. With that we breifly move on to some othe rbuisness.

We start by finding out what Sophie's deal is.

Also if you noticed her greyed out eye, that's because, like her real life counterpart, Sophie's blind in one eye. It took a while for me to tell if it was that or just two diffrent colors, but looking at her real life counterpart you can find on tommy's old facebook (which she inherited), you can tell.

And with that and a brief comment on the cucumber phenomenon that certainly was a thing, we enter our final arc of the year with

Pucky's Christmas Tips

Where Puck gives out fun christmas tips for the whole family and nothing remotely bad happens. Goodnight and

Oh yeah… sorry hang on

All I Want For Christmas is Revenge

There we go. So those mice I mentioned now take center stage. It's also why I emphasized buzzy mouse: while their around a lot , this arc has them as the centerpiece. As for who the robber mice are, Burt helpfully fills our heroes in, a nice way to tie in his barn cat experince that sadly just dosen't get used very often. (The robber mice)

I'm also putting this up because keeping track of these gals can be confusing: i've BARELY just started keeping them straight. It probably dosen't helped I binged the series, and thus four characters who only ocasionally speak each others names all wearing the same outfit and in most frames appearing fairly small despite their distinct coats… is a lot for my autistic ass to process. But i'm trying to drill it in to make this easier on myself.

Turns out the mice have sent a randsome note AND have been stealing the main family's stuff for a while now. And sadly.. the stress of this combined with the sheer fact four strangers did this to him breaks poor pucky. It won't be the last time he snaps , if the only time literally, but it's notable as one of the few times it's not played for laughs.. entirely

While all the mice play a roll here, the story is really centered around the sisters of the two, Alice and Agnes. Which doe shep keeping them straight as the other tow, violet and natasha, get a full origin story later. Agnes, like puck is the heart of her merry band and wants her sister to please stop this before it gets worse. Alice is determined though and while she denis it Agnes rightly pegs it's having nothing for christmas and wanting to take what she wants and not returns what she gets… if only because what they get is nothing. Violet and Natasha…

Our heroes plot, with Lupin rightly pointing out they get MAYBE two cheese cubes in a week if their lucky, so asking for a cheese wheel was a bit much to begin with, btu they simply use a hollowed out tin to trick them. The fight however dosen't go great: most of the robber mice scatter while Alice shows she's her group's elvis by jabbing the crap out of him with a needle. Thankfullyt his is a family strip so it's just a little ouchy. They do however capture poor little Agnes, but in a show of Puck's character.. he clearly feels terrible about it and Agnes, who like him is the heart of her group, admits this won't FIX things: her sister and sisters from another misters will just attack. Burt then gives his new buddy some very sage advice

PUck goes to free agnes.. only to get attacked by her sisters, with the station held hostage. Thankfully this dosen't last long as while Tommy can't help, and is really only here to set up a heartwarming scene later… Agnes is gone, and Buzzy Mouse is delivered to the statoin. The mice return home and find agnes happily watching Our IX LIves, the strip's in universe cat soap opera. More on that next time…. and she also has a guest.

This is the arc that really defines Baba: in her previous cameo she was just sorta old, grumpy and somehow still adorable, but here we see her role as the wise peacekeeper of the area. She got both sides were just misguided and rightfully guessed things wouldn't desclate unless someone stepped in. Had she not things likely only would've gotten worse. By simply giving each side their friend back, she stopped it. IT shows while she's crotchety.. she prefers peace and diplomacy over biting and hissing. I mean with her fellow animals, with humans it's bite o clock bitches.

She also outlines the flaw in Alice's plan: christmas spirit isn't given by taking and Alice realizes Agnes only got taken in the first place because she was there. Baba encourages the mice to give instead of recive.. and that forgivness dosen't come in the bxo and if you'll excuse me i'm cryin a bit because this is geninely touching.. especially since burt somehow got a camera in the mice's lair, or bugged his grandma. Either one wouldn't suprise me.

So christmas morning comes with all their lost things returned, and the cats in turn gifting the mice the woman's phone to give them a bigger tv and some cheese crackers, while Elvis gifts Natasha a sewing kit, natasha him bandages nad for Lupin a cats cradle. It's a war mmoment capped off with one final bit of swetteness from the mice and cats, now friends

And to take us out we get one final bit of cheer with thomas and sophie, and after sophie has spent the whole time treating Tommy as announace instate d of her brother, roomate and friend.. we get this truly heart melting moment

WIth that christmas is done, and with a few more strips, year 2 is too. As I said it's a year of expansion, with most of the space being dedicated to storylines, and not in a bad way: the four story arcs here really help flesh out the world, allow us to view Tommy's apartment and thus meet sophie. With our main cast mostly solid, with any further changes mostly coming from evolving as time goes on as most great comic strip characters do, Georgia felt free to expand and said expansion , while not as rapid, will continue next time as our station gets an intern. Until then thanks for reading.

[myaquariusheart]

26/3

Hey, I've been AWOL. I'm currently on placement two and a lot has happened. The PGCE is going well even though the first placement was not easy it was my fault and has let me develop a lot. although I'm still finding it difficult to wake up on time and get to school early. I'm currently rotting Royas brain and making her chill and watch a YouTube video on mice that she needs to keep an eye on. She was enjoying it until she started biting my phone and I disturbed her. It's currently Ramadan and it is been good as well as stressful. Since we have been back from Umrah a lot has gone on. We've been mourning and there isn't a day where I don't think about Bubu's death and honestly, I think about it every day. I miss her and regret not keeping in touch as much as I should of and even cherishing the time we had as selfish enough I thought we would all be growing old together and we would all bring our children up being best friends. we can still do that but a piece is missing. It also makes me think about life and death more, and how easily life can be taken away. I'm always deep in thought and usually lie awake at night thinking Allah could take me any time and I should live each day but who's to know. Life, we only have one chance at it. I'm currently watching Gone Girl because I've actually never seen a Ben Aflek movie and I probably should as he's JLO's man. So far it's okay, his wife has gone missing and she's an author or writer or something. I'm going to finish this degree soon and I can't wait. there's so much paperwork to do with all of this and it's hard to keep up. I have an essay as well it's not done yet, but I'm just hoping it doesn't count toward our final grade. After the easter break, I have my formal observation with L and B and I am really nervous but I just need to crack down on the behavior of the class and the content that I'm teaching. just need to remember some simple things like don't talk until the class is quiet and all that kinda stuff so it's easy but I'm sure when someone is watching me it is more nerve-wracking. the last Geography lesson I did there was about 3 teachers in the classroom and I was so nervous but at the end of the lesson R said the lesson went really well so I was happy, she even said it in front of the head teacher but I doubt ill get a job there. I have been applying to some abroad like Abu Dhabi and Dubai but I need to take a professional picture soon so I can upload it onto my CV. unfortunately, I have been super ugly lately but I'm going to speak to the hairdresser tomorrow, my hair is still short but it's growing. really slowly though, I'm thinking of going back to orange or brown, I do not want to go back to black hair, it is too hard to change and dye over. We'll see, I'm kinda over this color now, I always feel like it doesn't compliment me and then a few months down the line, I'm going to look back on my pictures and then regret it. Look at me talking about stupid irrelevant shit that doesn't matter if I'm a good person or not, just superficial but i guess if I don't look good I don't feel good, but even when I do look good I still don't feel good. I don't know why I'm feeling so low and insecure lately. I and T have been hitting the gym but with everything going on its been really difficult as iftar is at 6 and that's when T gets to the gym. After Eid I'm sure everything will be back to normal.

[teacherintransition]

Seventeen Months in Round Rock

A very different experience …humbling and eye opening.

Since February 2022, we’ve spent forty eight out of sixty two weeks traveling through out Texas, Louisiana and Great Britain. It’s been a roller coaster ride of adventures and experiences. We’ve learned a lot about ourselves and unplanned moments, some of which have turned us upside down. Round Rock was unique in the unplanned area …definitely. Long periods away from Nacogdoches, an horrendous ice storm, lots of guests, a cancer scare (see previous article …three scares in three years), a month long stay in a less than desirable extended stay hotel. It’s been a scene man …, but more positive situations than negative here in the Hill Country.

First off we were really happy to have some friends from back in the day share our time here. These guys gave us a social base we’ve not had in our previous travels.

For going on three years, I’ve extolled the merit, nay vital importance, of planning when life changes. C’mon, changing the direction of one’s life is stressor numero uno let alone having to deal with surprises coming out of left field. We all know that things go according to planned…right? Have I heard this before? Deja vu! It has been my personal experience since becoming a teacher in transition that the great Scottish poet and patriot, Rabbie Burns, in his poem, “To a Mouse,” actually is more spot on when describing the results of planning: “The best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men / Gang aft a-gley.” Perfectly said, am I right? In our four months here, besides the aforementioned events nothing has gone seriously “a-gley,” au contraire, in fact, things have gone incredibly well for my wonderful wife in her new temporary place of employ. Her self confidence and sense of contribution to the nursing field have increased immeasurably. Things went so well, that my lovely partner was offered an additional month at yonder hospital. So what in the hell O’ great teacher in transition, why are you writing about things if they went a-gley or awry? We, as previously experienced in Alexandria and Granbury, expected to feel at home and at peace as we had in the southern Llano Estacado and in Louisiana. The Hill Country was a more challenging place, but being close to my nephew Aaron, my buddy Scotty and his son, Matt & Brette Kuban, a former colleague Mark, Robyn; and visits from my sons Brendan and Erik, my sister in law Nancy and one of the Quadrumvirate …Radolpho kept the time in the Austin area lively.

We just thought that we’d lower our heads for thirteen weeks and accomplish our goals and move onto the next one. But…but…love the place and the people? Oh great….again? Who wanted that? Now, it is heartbreaking to leave. Why does this keep happening? The world ISN’T a cesspool of struggle and strife? Who’d a thunk it? For my wife, she has been treated as a professional of the highest order; made special friends of her co workers and one might say she has been compensated lucratively. …she has. (wink wink) I’ve done a great deal of writing, photography, hiking and exploring. The variety of restaurants has been incredible, the historical sites and art venues numerous and all employing excellent, friendly folks from the region. It is among these locales that we have met wonderful people that will never be forgotten.

I discovered long ago that a truly wonderful coffee shop is a place where ideas and conversations flow like fresh brewed elixir from the coffee bean. When we got here, there were a number possible shops. On day one, I walked into the Lamppost Coffee Shop …decision made. There were walls decorated in a calming eggshell white offset with masterfully composed photographs of the region. I’ve gotten a tremendous amount of writing done in such a vibrant environment. I have also spent many wonderful cool afternoons sitting outside, drinking tea and people watching. In a world of going hither and yon, the Lamppost has been a haven of good coffee and peaceful surroundings.

If you know me in any way, you know the word “pub” carries an almost, to hell with almost, a TRUE mystical significance. It ain’t just about the drinking my friends, but that is an important aspect. One can get a drink in a bar, a saloon, a cantina, a club, a bar and grille, a restaurant, a cooler….but none of these places come close to being a pub. A pub is something else altogether. A haven for those beaten down a bit, a place for those lonely in their soul, a well of happiness for one seeking conversation and companionship. A true pub has an old world feel, it has a dark calming aura, and a sophisticated selection of whiskies. In my personal experience, I’ve only entered into a handful of places that qualify as a true pub in the magical sense of the word. In Granbury, I didn’t come across a clear watering hole that fits my standard of a public house, but we did find some pleasant places for relaxing libations. In Round Rock, a couple of spots qualified as “pub worthy.” The Ruby Bar is an excellent, out of the way just north of downtown. The staff was excellent and they serve a truly outstanding Old Fashioned. It’s a perfect after dinner spot. Aces to the Ruby.

The Brass Tap was truly an “every man’s” pub spot. A long bar with a charming snug and a collection of whisky/whiskeys that any aficionado would be amazed to sample. They have a $15k shelf of bourbons that could break the bank if one did more than just stare and salivate at the grand bottles. Afternoon drinking or out for the evening, The Brass Tap was welcoming, warm and a peaceful spot for a libation or several.

We planned for many things on this adventure and many wonderful things have taken place. Ive yet to adjust to having my heart broken joyfully by these wonderful locales. I had people warn me that Alexandria was a rough city; a run down city, a crime ridden city….bless their poor, slow little hearts. I had folks warn us that Granbury was just a hick spot in the road. Most of the criticisms of Round Rock centered on traffic …I’ll go with that one; but good friends and good times outweighed all the negatives. If you look for the negative…it will be found. I look at things with my soul’s eye…it’s then that you can see the magic of a place and the beauty of another’s spirit. I didn’t expect to love these people and this place…but our hearts are healed and we didn’t know they needed healing. Thank you Round Rock and au revoir.

[david-watts]

oh and yes. there are mice about. hopefully not within the actual house but just under it and coming inside occasionally

[sehunniepotwrites]

if we were a movie | j.jh

for @nctsworld’s first writing challenge

SYNOPSIS. For someone who was always the understudy and never the lead, scoring this role was huge for you. All you had to do was pretend to be in love with your best friend. No big deal, right? Wrong. It was the biggest deal because, for the past four years, you had been hiding your feelings for Jung Jaehyun.

If this were a movie, he would be your perfect match and the story would end happily with the credits rolling to a perfectly timed soundtrack. Too bad this wasn’t a movie— this was real life and life came with complications.

GENRE. childhood friends to lovers!au, college!au, drama school!au, slow burn, angst, humor, mutual pining, fluff (loosely based on the Filipino rom-com Must Be Love and If We Were a Movie by Hannah Montana) PAIRING. theatre major!Jaehyun x  theatre major!reader WORD COUNT. 14+ k

WARNINGS. point of view switches from first (”I”) to second (”you”); self-doubt, insecurities, mutual pining, cursing, lots of references and direct quotes from musicals such as Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella, Disney’s Newsies, Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, Shrek the Musical, and Wicked (edited but i might’ve missed some mistakes; bare with me!)

There are moments where time flows as normal, where people carry on with their days as they usually do. Then, there are moments people experience in slow-motion, where the world just stops spinning and all the background noise just fades away. These are the moments people look forward to. They’re the breathtaking ones, the ones that capture your heart and soul. After those moments, people are never the same. 

The first time I experienced something in slow motion was when I made my stage debut at a small talent show. There was thunderous applause after my performance and while my heart thumped against my chest, the world seemed to come to a stop. That’s when I knew my heart belonged to the stage or rather, the stage belonged to me. 

Some of these slo-mo moments are the ones where people fall in love. 

My father said that’s how he knew my mother was the one for him: he experienced it all at a slowed rate, everything fading into black and she was the only thing he saw. She was his brightest star and he was the one who reached for the sky to bring her down to Earth. 

When I was younger, I always dreamed about my “falling in love” slow-mo moment. I pictured a grandiose event with large actions and sweet words.  For it to actually happen at theatre camp during the initial dress rehearsal for Disney’s Beauty and the Beast J.R.— well, that was far from what I hoped for. 

And yet, it was just as special as I thought it would be. 

I was in my obnoxious fork costume, waiting for my best friend to leave the boy’s dressing room. 

Jung Jaehyun had been my best friend since the beginning, otherwise known as my first year at theatre camp. Only ten years old at the time, we both were cast as two of the three blind mice in Shrek the Musical and had been inseparable ever since. Although we attended different middle schools, our friendship grew from our shared vocal and dance lessons as well as our summers at camp. You know how it is; those who end up in the ensemble together stay together. 

Going over the dance moves in my head, I didn’t hear my friend’s voice calling my name. He gripped my shoulder, the action surprising me to the point where I lost my balance. I yelped and shut my eyes, expecting to fall onto the hard ground but a hand grabbing onto my wrist prevented my doom. With an arm around my waist, I barely missed the ground.

Slowly opening my eyes, I glanced up to see Jung Jaehyun looking down at me with a worried gaze. He was just a sixteen-year-old boy dressed as a spoon and yet, the world around us came to a halt. Gone were the other frantic theatre kids and the backstage messes. The couple playing Belle and the Beast was no longer sitting across from us, running through their lines. No hustle and bustle of the crew and the props masters.

It was just me dressed as a fork, falling down while my spoon for a best friend caught me in his arms. 

“We make quite a pair, don’t we, Forky?” he chuckled lowly, hitting the top of his costume to mine. It was a ridiculous sight— a pair of oversized cutlery in a crowded dressing room.

A burning hot sensation crept its way up to my face as he gently pulled me up. “I guess we do.”

Since then, my life has never been the same. I was in love with my best friend, Jung Jaehyun. I fell for him when the world stopped spinning beneath my feet while his world, unfortunately, kept on turning.

I remember each and every slowed-down moment in life —the good, the bad, and the absolute worst. I never thought a bad slo-mo moment existed, I simply didn’t think it was possible. 

I was young and naive then and I was so incredibly wrong.

The moment that hurt me most took place in my senior year of high school. The final callbacks for our community’s production of Disney’s Newsies were in order. The role of Jack Kelly, the headstrong and flirty newsboy, was easily given to the ever-so-charming Jung Jaehyun. He was not only my best friend at the time but he was the it-boy of our small theatre. People were either in love with him or wanted to be him— his talent matched his insane looks. His kind personality made him all the more lovable.

Jaehyun had his two fatal flaws, though. Everyone knew them but still saw him in such a bright light.

One: the boy was extremely clumsy. Jaehyun was often called “magic hands,” constantly ruining his props. It was a running gag in the theatre but the props committee never minded; one smile was all it took for them to forgive him and his cursed hands. 

That was his first flaw. And his second? Jaehyun fell in love way too easily and way too fast. 

How exactly did I find this out? Well, I was there to witness the scene that lifted his heart to the highest of levels while mine dropped straight to the ground.

I was in the running for the stubbornly intelligent female lead named Katherine Plumber. My opponent was the confident and radiant Son Wendy. She always played the lead in her high school productions but this was a community musical and I was determined to claim that part as my own. 

I went first, entering the audition room with a smile with the script gripped tightly in my palm. Performing alongside my best friend was easy. The romantic scene was a piece of cake, not because the lines were a breeze. That wasn’t it at all. It wasn’t because I memorized the Newsies script as a child either. It was because, at that moment, Jung Jaehyun was in love with me as much as I was in love with him. It was a moment I wanted to cherish forever: the way he looked at me was something I had never experienced before. It was so full of emotion and passion, like he had me within his grasp and never wanted to let me go.

“You got this. I believe in you,” he whispered in my ear, squeezing my hand in support. His breath tickled my skin and sent shivers down my spine. The nerves were back, not because of the audition, but because of him. 

“You’re just saying that because it’s the scene we’re about to act out, Jae,” I hissed. The sheet music for the duet, Something to Believe In, wrinkled in my free palm. 

His warm, comforting hand pressed harder against my own. “No, it’s not that. If you need someone to believe in you, I’m right here. I’ve got you, Forky. Always.”

The director cleared his throat from his seat, his scrutinizing eyes watching us closely as we got into position, just like we rehearsed a thousand times. “Whenever you’re ready.”

I watched as Jaehyun took a deep breath to get into character. He closed his eyes, rolled his broad shoulders back, and then his lids snapped open. His brown-eyed gaze aimed straight at me, with a vulnerable expression taking over his features. He was no longer Jung Jaehyun— he was Jack Kelly, a scared newsboy who was in love with a newspaper company heiress. 

The line came pouring out of his mouth with the utmost sincerity, the confusion and affection seeping through his words, “Just standing here tonight, looking at you, I’m scared tomorrow is gonna come and change everything.”

 Jaehyun took a step forward towards me, an unsure smile curling on his lips. “If there was a way I could just grab hold of something to make time stop just so I could keep looking at you.”

His body stops right in front of mine, keeping a clear distance but enough to feel the passion radiating off of his words and actions. For once in my young life, my best friend looked at me with a different kind of love in his eyes and I returned it, my genuine feelings seeping through my words. 

Biting my lip, I replied coyly, “You snuck up on me, Jack Kelly, I never even saw it coming.”

“For sure?” he stage-whispered. His upstage hand unexpectedly reached up to caress my cheek. The action was unrehearsed, almost catching me off guard. It was a different take on the scene. The characters were supposed to be shy, their thoughts wavering on their own feelings for each other and the impending strike that was to come the day after; yet, Jaehyun played Jack as someone certain of his feelings.

“For sure,” I answered back at the same volume, my hand cupping his own to follow along with his direction. It felt as if he was searching my soul for my thoughts and I could not let him in. The opening bars of the romantic duet echoed throughout the room and after taking a breath, I began to sing. Jaehyun joined in on the second verse and instantly, our voices blended together in a beautiful harmony, one that beat our Newsies karaoke sessions in his car. 

The scene ended as quickly as it began. The director hummed before jotting notes down and whispering to his casting assistants for a few seconds. I thought they were the longest seconds of my life. Jaehyun nodded his head to reassure me. “You did well, Forky.”

“Of course I did, it’s me we’re talking about here,” I nudged him back. “I can do no wrong, Jae!” 

“Thank you,” the director finally spoke, “you may go. Jaehyun, if you could escort her out and fetch Wendy for me?”

“Of course,” your friend nodded. The feeling of his large hand on my back slowly guided me out of the room. The spot he touched me burned but my cheeks were burning even more. Why was it that every little touch drove me to the brink of insanity?

“You’re so going to land this part,” I remember him saying as he squeezed my waist. My heart was beating erratically against my ribcage, the butterflies in my stomach threatening to fly their way up my throat.

“You think so?”

“Oh definitely,” Jaehyun stressed with a wink. 

He said it too soon. 

Because the minute he locked gazes with Son Wendy, I just knew he had found his leading lady. 

“S-Son Wendy?” he stuttered as he caught sight of the pretty girl in the waiting room. Her hair was styled similarly to a young maiden from the turn of the century, perfectly curled and out of her face. 

“Yes?” she smiled back.

It seemed like the words were caught in my best friend’s throat. Sneaking a glance at Jaehyun’s ears, they burned a bright red. “We’re, um, we’re ready for you.”

I watched as Jaehyun nervously offered his arm to her, his eyes never leaving her face. It was like he was her own personal spotlight, the way his eyes shone just for the girl in front of him. The boy was completely enamored and I was instantly in the shadows. The sweet smile that was reserved for me was directed towards another and it sparkled in a way it never did before.

The world around me moved incredibly slow as they passed me by. With everything frozen, all I saw was the gorgeous couple headed to the audition room with hushed exchanges. Jaehyun took his time heading to the private room to spend more time with the girl while Son Wendy steadily made her way into my friend’s fragile heart. My own heart clenched at the sight. It was breaking ever so slowly and I felt every little crack and tear. 

Even with the role of the understudy, it was as if I never even had a chance at winning his heart over. If Wendy wasn’t present for one rehearsal, Jaehyun didn’t even see me— his own best friend since our ensemble days. He was way too deep into his “showmance.” It was like I never even existed. It wasn’t long before he called Wendy his girlfriend and then, I was invisible. Cast aside. Ignored.

Needless to say, my heart broke in slow-motion as Jaehyun’s pounded rapidly for a girl that took two parts I desperately ached for: Katherine Plumber and the girl who held Jaehyun’s heart. 

But this was just the first time his heart was stolen by his opposite. The first of many.

The first two years of university passed me by like a summer breeze. Constantly busy with general education and introductory drama courses, I was constantly flitting around from building to building. My hands were usually occupied by my laptop, a blazing cup of caffeinated tea, and a worn out script while my mind was filled with jumbled up lines and the dramatic cries of an overwhelmed university student. I probably wouldn’t have made it this far if it wasn’t for Jaehyun and Xiao Dejun, another theatre major we had met during orientation, by my side.

Fast forward to my third year and the three of us were headed to the office of the theatre department. It was posting day for the spring musical— the day the cast list was revealed. This year’s musical spectacular was Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella. The play itself was a modern classic and it was also my dream come true.

This day, just like any posting day of the drama department, was nerve-racking. Everyone was anxious to find out what parts they were given and how the fairytale would play out. The part of the brave and kind Ella was always on my list of roles I wanted to fill. As much as I thought I did well on my final callback, I didn’t want to set my hopes too high.

“Are you nervous?” Jaehyun asked while draping an arm over my shoulder. He playfully put all his weight onto his right side to throw me off balance. 

“Nervous? Me? Why would I be nervous if I’m like 95% sure  I’m going to get the understudy again?” I chuckled sarcastically. Bitterly. It happened every year, so why get my hopes up now?

“Yeah but—”

“No buts, I’ve accepted the title of the Wonderstudy! I think you should too, Jae,” I slapped his shoulder before quickly slipping out of his hold before linking arms with Dejun. My best friend let out a yelp, almost tripping over his own two feet as we continued down the hallway. “I’m mediocre at best.”

The Wonderstudy: it was the nickname the other students in the department gave me because I was always the understudy. I was never the star of the show. It said that I was good but not good enough. 

Dejun leaned in and whispered, “You do know that you’re more than just that, right? You’re an actor. A phenomenal one. You weren’t accepted to this drama program by just being mediocre at best.”

I ignored my friend’s comment, eyes zoned in at the other end of the building. The crowd of usual theatre students crowded around the bulletin board, curious heads popping up and down trying to take a peek at the list. Some buzzed with excitement, happy they got a major part while others groaned in disappointment. You were most likely going to be with the later group. 

Once the cluster of students caught sight of Jaehyun, they parted like the red sea to let him through. It wasn’t really necessary, though, everyone knew the it-boy of the drama department was cast as the role of the misguided prince, Topher. 

The only question was: who was cast as his princess? Who was this year’s Ella?

I fought my way through the bunch with Dejun following behind me as our best friend was showered with congratulations. Jaehyun was all smiles, dimples prominent as he was lavished by the mass. Dejun made it to the list first. His finger dragged along the thin paper until he found his name. He cheered, pumping his fist up in joy. “I got the part I wanted! I’m Jean-Michel!”

Grinning at my friend, I sincerely congratulated him. He got the second lead: the feisty peasant looking for change. Turning again, his eyes grazed the list until Dejun found my name. His smile dropped ever so slightly and that was when I knew: I was beaten once again. 

“What part did I get?”

“Gabrielle,” he answered. Ah, the outwardly abrasive but quietly empathetic sister. The second lead, love interest of Jean-Michel. At least I was playing Dejun’s opposite. 

I took a step closer, wondering who took the part of the kind princess. Squinting at the small print, my eyes scanned the jumble of words until I saw it.

Ella……………………….Lee Naeun Ella u/s………………….Y/N

I scoffed. Forever the understudy. The Wonderstudy of the Theatre Department indeed.

The first rehearsal, otherwise known as the read-through, took a toll on me. It was usually a two to three hour long session, filled with loud chatter, crazy introductions, and a variety of crazy theatre games to break the ice. When the niceties ended, everyone took their seats in their plastic chairs that were arranged in a huge circle. Bae Joohyun, the head stage manager began reading the stage directions aloud as the table read began. The production’s director, Professor O’Hare, sat alongside Joohyun, jotting down notes and giving out commentary when needed. 

Amongst the reading of lines were tiny whispers, the sound of highlighters and pencils marking the paper, and the simultaneous turning of pages. The music director, Professor Lau sat at the piano bench and sight-read the music to give the cast a taste of the songs. Being the first rehearsal, the few who knew of the songs sang along to the accompaniment with joyous smiles, myself and Dejun included.

When Professor Lau played the first romantic duet between the leads, all heads turned to Jaehyun and Naeun who sat side-by-side. With it being their first time together, the performance was far from perfect but it was still something. His lower tone blended nicely with her softer voice and the shy glances they exchanged made their duet quite a sight. 

As Jaehyun and Naeun read the last lines for Act One, I noticed the way Jaehyun’s gaze kept flittering back to Naeun’s pretty face. The girl was focused on her lines, head down and hair blocking her gorgeous features, but he still kept looking at her and only her. I could imagine how the scene was playing out in his head, the world slowing down until Naeun was the only one moving.  He was infatuated. Twitterpated. 

And it hurt. It hurt more than reading the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet or listening to Elphaba’s desperate cry she lets out when she loses Fiyero. Call me dramatic but that was how I felt. 

It wasn’t like I tried getting over him. It wasn’t like I tried dating other people before; I had many, many times but my mind always drifted back to my best friend. He was the boy with the richest brown eyes, the perfectly dimpled smile, and the lowest laugh that set my heart aflame. Without even knowing it, Jaehyun had this incredible hold on my broken heart and he would not let me out of his grip. 

The green-eyed monster inside me resurfaced and I hated it. I absolutely hated it— why was I so pathetically in love with my best friend? 

 “Here we go again,” I said before dropping my head onto the table. 

“You say that every time and you keep running back to him at the end of the day,” Dejun whispered before looking back down at his script. His hand continued to jet across the page, his highlighter marking his many lines. 

Rolling up the script in my hand, I whacked his side. The action caused his hand to jerk the bright marker in another direction, striking a distorted line on his page. “Look what you did, twerp!” he hissed.

“Your fault, Eyebrows!”

“Stop calling me that, you fork!”

“Hey, only I can call her fork!” Jaehyun appeared out of nowhere, plopping alongside me. His voice snapped us out of our little argument, making us realize that the director called for a fifteen. 

“That’s only because you’re a dumb spoon,” I stuck my tongue out at him. Jaehyun pretended to reach for it and I blew a raspberry at him to retaliate. 

“You two idiots are my favorite cutlery set,” Dejun shook his head with a laugh. He was probably wondering why he stuck around us the majority of the time. 

“Let off it, Dejun,” Jaehyun said with the roll of his brown orbs. 

“Only if you let me be the knife to your set.”

“As if, dumbass,” I countered with a laugh. 

“Okay but you guys, can we stop fighting for a sec and talk about how I got her number?” Jaehyun beamed, throwing his arms over both our shoulders. He pulled us closer to his body and the faint smell of his musky cologne hit my nose. I held back a sigh as it filled my senses. Oh, to be drowned in his scent. 

“I got Naeun’s number!” he repeated excitedly, his strong arms shaking us. I held back my abrupt want to push him off. I wasn’t in a celebrating mood. My heart was too broken to care.

“Of course you did, when do you not get a girl’s number?” I answered a bit too bitterly. Raising a brow at him, I added, “Are we supposed to be surprised?”

“Listen,” Jaehyun countered, pulling back from me. “I don’t like that attitude, Forky.”

I scoffed, “Never stopped you from being my friend before, Jae.”

Jaehyun didn’t answer; he was too busy clutching his phone. His pretty brown eyes were fixed on Naeun’s contact page like it was the world’s greatest treasure. His eyes were sparkling in admiration before his gaze turned to the girl across the room. The look my best friend wore on his face was soft, the smile on his lips light. “I think she could be the one.”

Some thought him to be a player but I never thought of him that way. He might have had the looks of a heartbreaker but he had the purest heart of gold. The boy with the dimpled smile, porcelain skin, and cheeks as red as roses was a hopeless romantic to his very core. He was simply looking for his other half. 

“I think she could be the one.” His words repeated in my head, his voice pestering me. My heart lurched at them despite hearing them each semester. 

Jaehyun said this every year, with every girl. He said this when he crushed on Son Wendy, Kim Chungha, and so many more. His infatuations and crushes ended just as easily as they started. The boy was more than disappointed when the initial spark with each girl ended after a show’s run ended. When the musical closed, so did his feelings for each opposite. 

I never got stage fright; I was usually the one who said what was on her mind without a moment’s hesitation. So why was I hesitating to tell him my feelings?

Why was I hesitating to say that the one Jaehyun could be looking for was standing right next to him?

Just another rehearsal at the auditorium. 

Just another day watching my best friend fall for his leading lady.

Jaehyun and Naeun were standing in the middle of the stage, the ensemble surrounding them. He stood behind her, his hands gently placed on her waist while she leaned back into his touch. Naeun was wearing a fluffy tulle skirt, a mock-up of her ballgown. Park Sooyoung, the resident fashion major and lead costume designer, pushed her to wear it so she could get used to the estimated size of her dress. Even in a mere tank top and tulle skirt, Lee Naeun looked like a princess.

Professor Kwon, the choreographer of the production, stood at the end with a watchful eye. She counted them off, walking them through the routine while the rest of us practiced our steps off to the sidelines. 

Once the two main characters got the hang of their steps, Professor Kwon motioned for Professor Lau to play the songs from the beginning. As much as I tried to focus on my own dance moves, my mind kept wandering back to Jaehyun. 

Imagining him under the spotlight in a perfectly tailored suit, a crown sitting on his head, extending his arm out not to Naeun but to me. It was one of those movie moments where the characters and the audience watching fell in love. 

If life was like a movie, things would be so much easier. 

So lost in my thoughts, I missed a count and stepped on my partner’s foot. Muttering a quiet sorry to him, we continued on with the routine. As my partner swirled me around the dance floor, I drifted back into my daydream.

My utterly impossible daydream where I was the girl Jung Jaehyun was infatuated with. Although this play talked about impossible things happening everyday, I couldn’t imagine this ever happening. 

The terrible thing about being a theatre major in university was being a theatre major with midterms. Not only did I have to deal with hours of my back hunched over a desk and scattered study materials, I had to spend half of my days in the school’s theatre rehearsing. 

If I was not in class scribbling down last minute notes in notebooks,  I was learning dance routines or running lines on and off stage alongside Dejun. The days were long and the nights were even longer. Sometimes, the cast fell asleep in the seats of the auditorium while rehearsals were going on. We were all losing sleep. Some of us were losing our sanity but hey, welcome to the theatre. 

My schedule was filled to the brim and I wasn’t even the main character of the show. On top of that, I had to memorize the part of Ella. Not that it was really needed in the first place. 

No one ever stepped down from a lead role while I was their backup. It just didn’t happen.

Despite the hectic lives of belonging to the theatre department, the musical was two months into production and everything was running smoothly. With a month and a left until opening night, everyone was off-book and the initial stage blocking was done. The costuming and makeup committee were finishing up their mock-up designs and the student orchestra sounded divine. 

I saw more of Dejun than Jaehyun lately, my best friend being preoccupied with his new love interest before, during, and after rehearsals. I was cast aside once again.

Was it something out of the ordinary? No.

Did it still hurt? Yes.

Did I do anything about it? Absolutely not. I didn’t want to ruin his happiness. I rather suffer than see him as nothing but joyous, even if the happiness was temporary. The grin he wore when he was in love was too beautiful to rip away. Jaehyun shined like the light from the sun. I could never bring myself to do it. 

It was week eight of rehearsals when I stepped out of my last midterm, my head absolutely empty after reading small text for over an hour. Reaching into my backpack’s front pocket, I pulled out my cell phone and quickly turned it on. My screen was flooded with missed calls and texts from Professor O’Hare, Joohyun, Jaehyun, and Dejun, the notification numbers reaching over a hundred total. 

Something must have happened. Talk about a theatre emergency. Knowing our kind, they were probably being overdramatic. 

Just as I was about to unlock my phone, a video call went through. It was Dejun. Rolling my eyes, I slid my finger across the screen to answer it. “Jeez, I know you love me but give a girl a break, Eyebrows!”

“God, you’re so conceited sometimes. Why didn’t you answer my calls?!” He shouted, face close to the phone. I winced at the volume, immediately lowering the level as I slipped on my wireless earbuds. “There are important matters to discuss here!”

“What happened this time? Did someone say Macbeth in the theatre again? You know I don’t believe in that shit,” I said sarcastically.

“Oh my god. This is not the time for jokes! Everyone’s been trying to reach you!” Xiaojun yelled once more. “Where are you?!”

“I just got out of my musical history midterm in Maple Hall. Heading to the theatre right now. Why?” I never received an answer; Dejun hung up the call. Giving my phone a weird look, I shoved it in my pocket before continuing on my way. A light push on my back prevented me from going too far. 

“Twerp!” Xiao Dejun’s voice came from behind me, yanking me by the straps of my backpack. He was breathing heavily, trying to catch his breath. “Oh my god, we’ve been looking for you everywhere,” he said in between heavy breaths. 

Crossing my arms, I cocked a brow at him. “Why’s that?”

Dejun placed a hand on my shoulder for support. The words came flying out of his mouth, I almost couldn’t catch what he was saying. So much for being a theatre major. 

“Speak clearly, Dejun. Enunciate, articulate, exaggerate, remember? We are thespians and thespians do not mumble!”

The exhausted boy ignored my theatricals. “Naeun didn’t land a switch leap right and she rolled her ankle during advanced ballet. She’s going to be out for at least three to four weeks,” my friend replied breathily, his words a lot clearer than before.

The news shocked me to the core, my feet suddenly planted to the ground. It sounded like he said Naeun was out of commission. “What?” 

“She’s out for three to four weeks! I mean sucks for her, I wish her a speedy recovery but do you know what this means?”

The lack of response from me urged him to continue, “Sweetheart, she’s out. You’re in!”

Oh shit. I was in.

The part I had always dreamed of was mine. The lead role was finally mine.

I was now Ella and Jung Jaehyun was my Prince Topher.

Having an understudy step up to their role halfway through production was always something to get used to. It was a setback, a minor one, but still a setback. Just as Jaehyun finally settled into his role and built an unshakeable bond with Lee Naeun as his opposite, the accident happened. His potential girlfriend was now out of the show and off her feet in order to push for a speedy recovery.

The lovesick boy couldn’t even be there for her because his rehearsal times increased in order to get his best friend adjusted to your new role. There he was, leaning against the piano while waiting for you to arrive.

Professor Lau sat at the bench, flipping through his sheet music until he found the song he was looking for. 

The door slammed open and you stumbled in. “Am I late? I’m sorry, I just heard the news.”

“No, not at all. You’re right on time,” the professor smiled at you. “The situation’s weird, I know but congratulations on getting Ella.”

“Thanks, Professor. That means a lot,” you grinned back. 

Dropping your bag by the piano, you swiftly pulled out the script. You glanced at Jaehyun’s opened book for the page number before hastily flipping through the pages. Jaehyun nudged your side. “Hey, Forky.”

“Hey yourself,” you elbowed him back, biting your bottom lip.

“Congrats, bubs. You did it,” he pulled you into a side hug before ruffling your hair with pride. You had finally gotten a part you wanted. It was your time to shine. As your best friend for many years, Jaehyun had been waiting for the day you could show the crowds your full potential.  

“Did I really do it or did your girlfriend just get injured? How is she, by the way?” 

As much as you tried to play the overdramatic, conceited girl, you never believed in yourself but Jaehyun always did. You deserve the spotlight; your talent was out of this world and the masses were finally granted a chance to see you for what you were— a star.

“You did this. You were made for this part as much as she was,” Jaehyun reassured his best friend with a smile. He tapped your nose. “And she’s not my girlfriend but she’s doing alright. Just in a little bit of pain. I’m going to see her after we finish.”

“Give her some well wishes for me,” you answered. Jaehyun didn’t notice your smile dropping into a small frown.

“You ready to act like you’re in love with me?”

“I was born ready, you doof.” There was something weird in your voice when those words left your lips but Jaehyun didn’t have time to process it.

Professor Lau guided the students through a series of warm-ups before asking, “Shall we start with Do I Love You Because You’re Beautiful today? We’ll do a couple of run-throughs before Jaehyun teaches you the blocking.” His fingers played the beginning notes of the song, the light melody drifting to their ears. 

Already off book at this point, Jaehyun closed his eyes and began to sing.

Do I love you because you’re beautiful? Or are you beautiful because I love you?

Am I making believe I see in you A girl too lovely to be really true?

Do I want you because you’re wonderful? Or are you wonderful because I want you?

Are you the sweet invention of a lover’s dream? Or are you really as wonderful as you seem?

When his eyes fluttered open, Jaehyun found himself facing you with a script in hand. Your face wore the softest look as you stared back at him. His breath almost caught in his throat at the gentle smile you wore. You played the part differently from Naeun and it was a refreshing sight to behold. You were playing a confused peasant but your eyes still sparkled with the gleam of a thousand suns. 

There was a flush of heat that started from his cheeks and extended to his reddening ears. His heart was doing its best to break out of his ribcage and the star of the show wasn’t sure if his chest could keep it in for very much longer.

When singing with him, Naeun was a pretty princess.

But when he sang with you, the girl in front of him? Jaehyun thought you were absolutely breathtaking.

Two hours later, we were finally free of rehearsals. My first rehearsal as Ella. My throat was a bit parched from all the singing and projecting I was doing but I felt lighter than air. Singing with Jaehyun made me feel lighter than air. I was weightless, nothing could hold me down.

“Forky, you’re really good,” he said to me as we walked to our cars. I tried to fight the sudden heat making its way to my face. Lately, compliments from him were hard to come by.

 It was already late when O’Hare and Lau finally let us out, the moon sitting high in the sky. The night breeze crept its way into my thin jacket, causing me to hug myself to retain some warmth. Noticing my struggle with the cold, Jaehyun quickly draped his jacket over my shoulders. I was immediately hit with his familiar scent, it was almost overwhelming. I should be used to this, his action of sharing his clothes with me was nothing new but I was weak. It affected me every single time. I guess I was that head over heels for him. 

Head over glass heels, one could even say.

“You’ve seen me in action before and I mean, I was chosen to be the understudy for a reason,” I gave him a shrug. 

“Yeah but I’ve never seen you act and sing like that. Just...wow.” Stealing a glance at him, Jaehyun almost looked enamored with me. He was giving me a look that was usually reserved for someone else. I felt my heartbeat pick up in my chest and flutters in my stomach.

“Stop that,” I blushed, pinching his skin through the thin material of his long-sleeved shirt. A satisfying buzz ran through my body. Was he really looking at me like that? I was probably reading too much into it.

“No, but it seemed so real. Like you weren’t pretending.”

“That’s because I wasn’t,” I whispered under my breath as we arrived at our cars. 

“Hmm, you say something?” Jaehyun asked, leaning closer to hear me. 

Shaking my feelings away, I ignored the dull ache in my chest and acted through the tears I was desperately holding in. I wrinkled my nose at him playfully, secretly pushing the pain down my throat. “You really don’t listen to a word I say, do you, Jae? I said, I’ll see you later.”

“See ya, Forky! Get home safely!”

Scoffing to myself, I realized how much of a great actor I was. I deserved an Oscar or a Tony for the scenes I played out, the ones where I pretended to be okay when I was far from it. 

What award do you ask? Best Actress in a Supporting Role— the best friend to Jung Jaehyun but never the love of his life.

Wardrobe fittings for productions were always an exciting day for the whole cast and crew. It was one step closer to putting on a show. Jaehyun was already dressed in one of his many costumes, a white suit with golden trimmings. It fit him for the most part, only tiny adjustments were needed. Members of the wardrobe department quickly pinned his neatly pressed jacket before taking it off his hands. Since he was the main character, Jaehyun was one of the first ones done. He was simply waiting for you to come out in your first dress— the white gown for the ball scene in Act One.

When you finally did all those minutes ago, Jaehyun swore his heart stopped. 

Ten minutes ago, Jaehyun saw his best friend walk through the curtains. Your face was bare, hair still in that lazy style you always sported but your clothes. The comfy clothing you usually rehearsed in was gone and replaced by a beautiful ball gown. Despite the pins that scattered throughout the material to fit your form, it still appeared majestic. There you were, standing before him and the rest of the cast, and you were the loveliest you had ever been.

Ten minutes ago, you walked in and his head was reeling. Time slowed down as you tentatively made your way towards him. You did not meet his eyes but Jaehyun was dying to catch your gaze. He never wanted to let you out of his sight. The picture of his best friend in white was something he wanted to treasure and suddenly, the slowness around him stopped. The cast’s cheers and squeals disappeared. There was only you in that beautiful ball gown. 

Was this the slow-motion moment you always talked about? The one you always dreamed about experiencing? Jaehyun could see why people thought it to be magic. It was almost like a movie, movie magic if you will. 

Another look at you and then Jaehyun was in the future, watching you make her way down the aisle. A thin veil covered your face and he was so tempted to push it away from concealing your dazzling smile. His heart was fighting its way out of his chest, wanting to head down the path straight to you. How he wanted to reach out and touch you, cradle you in his arms. 

You were truly an angel in white. A princess. A queen.

The mere sight of you took him to the skies, the one place he was sure you were from. Although Jaehyun would never admit it, he always thought you to be beautiful. Throughout the many years of being best friends, he would find his gaze subconsciously drifting to you. He would rip it away before you would ever notice him doing so, knowing you would tease the hell out of him for it— it was his own little secret tucked away into the corners of his beating heart. 

“How do I look?” Your question snapped him out of his daydream and back to reality. Back down to earth. 

“Sorry, what did you say?” 

“Oh my god, you stupid spoon! I said, how do I look?”

“Lovely,” he answered sincerely, his brown eyes digging into your own. “You look absolutely lovely.”

Ten minutes ago, you simply murmured a question while Jung Jaehyun came to a realization. The realization that he might’ve fallen for you: his Forky, his best friend.

The loveliest girl he had ever seen.

With Cinderella’s opening night being only a few weeks out, you and Jaehyun decided to fit in extra time together to run lines and songs outside of scheduled rehearsals. That was the plan for every weekend and that particular Saturday was no exception to this plan. When his doorbell rang frantically, Jaehyun groaned loudly before getting up to answer the door. Did you always have to be so obnoxious?

Just as the door swung open, your loud voice boomed into his apartment, “‘Sup, ho! Ready to rehearse the hell out of this show or what?”

He stepped aside to let you in and you immediately made yourself comfortable in his humble abode. Jaehyun almost laughed as he watched you. There was a particular routine you stuck to when visiting his place. First, you would take off your shoes, slip on your personal pair of slippers you left at his house, drop your bag on the kitchen counter, and then open his fridge to raid his food supply.

Precisely as Jaehyun predicted, you waddled to the fridge in your memory-foam duck slippers and stole one of his yakults. He loved how comfortable you were in his home. It was truly a heart-warming sight.  The act itself was extremely domestic and he quite liked the domesticity when it was with you. That flash of you in a wedding gown came back to him and he blushed at the thought. The idea of spending a future together was flooding his brain recently and he didn’t know what to do. 

You weren’t the one he liked. Naeun was but why were you the only person on his mind? Was it wrong to have you in his mind? Naeun wasn’t his girlfriend— they were still getting to know each other. His time with her decreased over time since you had stepped into the role of Ella. He was very fond of you. He always had been. There was this little piece of his heart that was reserved for you but was it because you were his best friend or was it more?

Jaehyun quickly snapped himself out of it. 

“First of all, I’m not a ho,” he said before grabbing a yakult of his own. He poked the straw through the foil a bit too harshly, the liquid splashing over the top. Damn his strength— now half of his drink was gone. “Second, stop slut-shaming me for my dating choices. It’s 2021. If I wanted to be a ho, I could be a ho.”

You rolled your eyes as you took a sip of your drink. “God, I hate you sometimes.”

“You need to stop lying to yourself, I know you’re hopelessly in love with me,” Jaehyun said, pointing his drink towards you. He caught you rolling your eyes at his answer.

“Oh, you’re absolutely right. I am irrevocably in love with you, Jung Jaehyun,” you said sarcastically, dramatically batting your eyelashes his way. Your confession, despite being a sarcastic statement, left his heart racing against time. 

“Alexa, play Hopelessly Devoted to You!” you yelled ironically. 

“Now playing Hopelessly Devoted to You by Olivia Newton-John,” an electronic voice boomed across his living room before the opening notes of the ballad began to play. 

“Shit! I forgot you actually had an Echo,” you jumped, not expecting that at all. Jaehyun chuckled at your reaction, loving how easily you scare. He always thought it was one of your cuter traits. 

“Alexa, stop!” he called. 

Jaehyun ran a hand through his hair. He dragged his feet to his bedroom, knowing you would follow without a word. “I can’t rehearse today, I have to write this damned analysis paper for a class. It’s due in two days.”

“I’m sorry, is that paper more important than your best friend in the entire world?” you pushed from behind him.

“Yes,” he deadpanned, taking a seat at his desk. Jaehyun’s study area was an absolute mess. His notebooks were scattered around the floor, textbooks opened to random pages, and his laptop opened to a google document.  

“That’s a motherfucking lie and you know it.”

“I really can’t rehearse now, Forky,” he sighed.

He glared at you as you theatrically fell onto his bed. The notes spread out on his bed flying to the floor. “Oh, woe is me! Jung Jaehyun cannot give me the time of day to rehearse. What am I to do?”

“Why are you like this?” 

“I’m a theatre student, I’m wired to be this obnoxious,” you said with a straight face. 

He stared at you through narrowed eyes. “I really hate you right now.”

“I know,” you countered with a flat tone. “But in all seriousness, Jaehyun. I won’t take too much of your time. I just wanted to practice our duets a couple of times and then I’ll be out of your hair. Plus, you look like you need a break.”

One look at you and he was a goner. How could he ever say no to his best friend?

“Ugh, fine.”

“Ha, I knew you would cave.”

“Shut up.”

The next hour with you was spent rehearsing the numbers. During the last run-through, Jaehyun suggested going over the blocking and putting their all in it. To act like it was opening night. You swiftly agreed and he played the music from the top.

Jaehyun led you around his room, spinning you across the floor as you sang. The smile on your face was so lovely, he could not take his eyes off your lips. His eyes fluttered to a close and he imagined you in your full costume, downed in your gown, as dainty as a daisy and as graceful as a bird. The thought of you dressed like a princess drove him crazy.

He never thought of Naeun this way. This was different. You were different but why?

Jaehyun opened his eyes to see you smiling so gracefully at him as the song was coming to an end. Just as planned in the show, your gaze flitted to his lips. You leaned closer and he followed, dipping his head to meet you halfway. His heart was skipping to its own beat as he inched down. Your soft lips brushed against his oh-so-gently as he held you in his arms but before the boy could press back, the door to his room swung open.

You broke away from him, shocked at the sudden arrival to see your other friend and Jaehyun’s roommate, Dejun. “Oops, was I interrupting something?” 

“I, uh, I gotta go.” Before you could even stop him, Jaehyun grabbed his wallet and phone off his desk and ran out his room. 

Confusion clouded his senses. Why did he feel empty after you pulled away? Why did he want to kiss you so badly? It was just a stage kiss.

Was it not?

Jaehyun’s door slammed shut behind him, leaving me and Dejun in his room. It wasn’t long before we heard the front door close, too. “Well, that was something,” Dejun said after his roommate shuffled out of the apartment.

“Shut up, Xiao Dejun,” I replied, smacking his arm. 

My friend lifted his arms up in defense before he gave me a pointed stare. “I’m just saying, the two of you looked really into it. It looked great, to be honest with you. No notes to give here— I’m sure O’Hare and Lau would say the same.”

“It’s just acting,” I tried to shrug it off. 

“Stop lying to yourself.”

“I’m not!”

“Bulltshit. I saw the way he looked at you— that’s not acting, twerp,” Dejun declared, his voice dropping. His voice never dipped in tone unless he was serious and in that moment, he was dead serious. My friend sounded like a frustrated tutor deliberately explaining a concept for the fifth time and I was the stubborn student who just didn’t understand.

“Yes, yes it is!”

“No, it’s not because that’s how he always looked at you!” 

“Lies!” I yelled accusingly, “We got Liza Minnelli over here!” 

“God, you’re so annoying sometimes! Why won’t you confess? Cat got your tongue? Nothing’s really stopped your sharp tongue before,” Dejun groaned at my stubbornness. He slapped a hand onto my shoulder. I tried to shrug him off but his grip was too strong. Maybe it was him trying to help me get a grip. Who knew? I honestly didn’t. 

“It’s not like I haven’t tried, you know?” An exasperated answer left my lips. I was tired. So ridiculously tired of dealing with these feelings for my best friend. It had been four years since I fell for him. Four years of trying to see other people, four years of trying to confess, and four long years of failing every time.  “I just freeze up like a deer in headlights or like you did when you performed that one monologue sophomore year in voice and movement class. Remember that, Jun?”

I felt his sharp glare burning a hole in my back. “You promised to never talk about that moment, you traitor,” he hissed, his hand squeezing the hell out of my shoulder. 

“Okay yeah but you get the point, right?” My nails dug into his skin, leaving little indents onto his hand. He yelped, finally jerking his hand back to examine it. Shaking my head, I added, “Plus, he’s my best friend. I just can’t do it!”

“So, what you’re saying is that you choose friendship over the possibility of him loving you?” 

“It’s just...I don’t know—” I started, shifting my body to face him, “—choosing friendship means that I’ll only lose love. But if I chose to confess and put my feelings out there, I could lose him as a potential lover and my best friend. I’m not prepared for that. I don’t think I ever will be.”

And there it was again. The self-doubt hit me, imposter syndrome resurfacing at an all time high, bringing me to the lowest of lows. 

The feeling of being a fraud, of being not good enough. 

For Jaehyun. For any love interest for that matter. For the role of Ella. For taking my place under the spotlight. 

“Dejun?”

“Hmm?”

“Am I—am I good enough?”

“For?”

“I—I don’t know—” I stuttered as my mind was consumed by my own crippling thoughts. I tried to stay strong but the crack in my voice gave me away, “—for anything? Everything?” 

“Oh, twerp,” Dejun said in that particular voice and then that was when the floodgates opened. The tears just came pouring down with no sign of stopping. My friend gently pulled me into his comforting arms. They were snug and I felt safe but not as safe as I did in Jaehyun’s hold.

“You, my darling, are definitely good enough. Don’t let your thoughts tell you otherwise.” Although his voice was comforting, it did not help the unhinged thoughts running through my brain. 

“Then, why does it always hurt when I don’t get the role of the leading lady? Of his leading lady? I always get so far and then, at the end of the day, I’m just not what they’re looking for. What he’s looking for.” Pining for something so unimaginable was too taxing. Having the lead role in a play and having Jung Jaehyun wear his heart on his sleeve just for me. 

“Sometimes, the roles aren’t made for you and that’s okay.”

“But what about this one?”

“This one, twerp, this one is a little different.” 

“And why’s that?”

“Because there is music in you; it goes hand in hand with Jaehyun, like a melody to his harmony. You are his Ella and he’s your Topher,” Dejun urged. It was like he was begging me to not give up hope. 

“You’re just saying that.”

“I’m really not. You just gotta do what the theatre gods tell us to do: just trust the process.” 

How could I trust the process when all it did was hurt me by allowing me to have a glimpse of a love and a life that would never be mine? 

Opening night finally arrived. Everyone was called to the theatre for a full run through in the afternoon: the final dress rehearsal hours before the doors opened and the curtains were drawn. I had gotten there earlier to soak in the calmness of the empty auditorium before the chaos began.

I heard heavy footsteps come from behind me. Even without turning around, I knew it to be Jaehyun. The boy took a seat next to me on the wooden prop walls that were locked into the ground. If the stage managers and props committee saw us, they would’ve definitely ripped our heads off but they weren’t— it was just us.  

“Penny for your thoughts, my dear Ella?”

“Topher,” I answered, playing along with his game. “Lovely to see you here bright at early.”

“I knew you would be here and I wanted to be here with you,” he said, pulling me into a side hug. Jaehyun knew me well but did he know me well enough? “Spill it, Forky. What’s wrong?”

“Sometimes I still doubt myself,” I said a little too fast. A loud sigh followed my reveal. The crippling doubt was always there, haunting me. Let me tell you, it was not the best thing in the world to have during an opening for a new production. 

“Oh yeah?” Jaehyun asked, pushing me to continue. I felt the soft brush of his palm against my hand. His fingers grabbed hold of my wrist before fighting their way to tangle with my own fingers. The sensation tickled, taking me away from my thoughts for a fraction of a second. I played with his fingers, watching the way his pinkish hand fit with mine. 

I refused to look at him; I was too afraid of breaking down.“Doubting myself, my abilities. Always the understudy, never the star, remember?”

Jaehyun hummed. He rested his chin on my shoulder. “Did something change?”

“Yeah, I finally realized that maybe it wasn’t that I wasn’t right for the part; the part wasn’t right for me,” I laughed a bit dryly. “Does that make any sense?” 

“Weirdly, yes,” he replied, his breath blowing against my neck. I tried to ignore the tickling sensation and the way it made me feel. 

“But this is different— I feel like I was made to play Ella. Made to play her even though I got the part in this odd, unconventional way,” I turned my head to the side to avoid eye contact. “The girl who sees the good in everything despite the hardships and suffering she went through.”

“Without a doubt, I believe that you belong on stage with me,” Jaehyun answered sincerely, “and I’m glad we have the chance to finally play opposites.” 

He squeezed my smaller palm in support. I appreciated the reassurance; the action slightly calmed me down before she took the next step. Possibly the biggest step of my entire life. “There’s something else I realized, too.”

“Oh yeah, what’s that?” Jaehyun asked softly. 

Taking a deep breath, I said, “I realized that I could be right for you.” 

It took him a minute, a long solid minute before Jaehyun could bring himself to respond to my confession. I wondered what he was thinking at that moment, when those words left my mouth. “Right for me?” came his tentative reply. A quick glimpse at his ears and I saw the burst of red. He was caught off guard, embarrassed. 

“Yeah,” I said almost shamefully. Was I ashamed of my feelings? I never was ashamed before. Maybe it was because Jaehyun finally saw me for who I truly was— his highly dramatic best friend that was head over glass heels for him. 

“How long— how long have you felt this way?” The red of his ears seeped to his rosy cheeks. 

“Ever since we were a dumb pair of utensils,” I replied sincerely, my voice wavering at the truth, “a set of ridiculous tableware.”

There was an awkward chuckle that left his drying lips. I heard him click his tongue, a habit he did when Jaehyun never knew what to say. It seemed like I rendered him speechless. “Since we were sixteen? That long and you didn’t say anything?”

“You’re really asking me that?”

“Yes, I really am!”

“Jaehyun, c’mon. Use your brain! How was I supposed to? You’re my best friend and when you’re not my best friend, you’re out there chasing other girls,” I stopped to lick my drying lips. There was another inkling of silence and I gulped at how tense the atmosphere was. “And I thought maybe once, just once, you would chase after me, too.” 

I almost laughed; my greatest desire was finally out in the world and it was greeted by silence. 

“But what if I’m wrong for you?” 

And there it was. The rejection I was preparing for. Giving him a pained smile that failed to meet my ears, I said, “Then that’s life, I guess.”

“You guess?” 

“Well, I can’t make you act like you’re in love with me, can I?” I snapped, my pain taking the best of me. It clouded my brain, blocking off all rational thoughts out of my head. “This isn’t a play or a movie with a script, Jaehyun. This is real fucking life.” 

Hurt. I was being overwhelmed with a wave of hurt and anguish. My body was trembling as much as my eyes were. I felt them growing wet and I shut them closed. My hands curled into fists, nails digging into my skin. It stung but not as much as being rejected by the one you loved most. The lead of the movie in your mind. 

“Wait, no, that’s not what I meant,” Jaehyun tried to stop me from getting off the stage. I pulled away from him, quickly snatching my belongings before heading to the nearest exit. Turning back around before I left the empty auditorium, I experienced another moment in slow-motion. 

There Jaehyun was in all his glory— denim jacket slipping over his broad shoulders, dark brown hair sticking up in all directions and a confused look on his face. He looked like a mess under the spotlight of my mind but nevertheless, he was my mess of a best friend.

He was my mess of a best friend and that was all he was going to be. That fact hurt more than being the forever understudy. 

Why couldn’t I fast forward this portion of my life? Why must I suffer this much?

Why couldn’t I escape the role of being second best?

If only my life was a movie, then maybe I wouldn’t be everyone’s second choice. His second choice.

If we were in a movie, Jung Jaehyun would be my best friend and my perfect match. Our story would be the typical friends-to-lovers saga that every girl dreams of. It would end happily with the credits rolling to a perfectly timed soundtrack. 

Too bad this wasn’t a movie— this was real life and life came with complications.

After that confrontation, you and Jaehyun were off and not off the charts— just off. The directors noticed it. The stage hands noticed. The cast noticed it. The final run-through before the curtains opened just finished and it was an absolute disaster because of the way you acted with Jaehyun. Every time he opened up his body to you, the response you gave him was closed off. Cold. 

To the rest of the cast and crew, the prince and princess didn’t seem very much in love that day— they didn’t even seem friendly. You and Jaehyun seemed like two strangers trying to work their way across a stage. There was no connection. There was nothing else there. 

Now, if only you would let Jaehyun talk to you, maybe something would change but you didn’t. You ran away every chance you could. It was like Cinderella, but you didn’t leave a glass slipper behind. You didn’t leave anything behind. 

Less than an hour before showtime and he couldn’t even talk to you. Let alone look at you. He sighed into his hand, palms applying pressure to his eyes. Jaehyun cursed under his breath, forgetting that he had a heavy amount of stage makeup on his face. Looking into the mirror, he saw his makeup was still intact. Thank the theatre gods for the Ben Nye Final Seal Setter. It seemed like that it was the only thing set in stone at that moment. 

The door to Jaehyun’s dressing room slammed open and Dejun waltzed in, fully dressed in his costume.“Dude, what was up with you and the twerp during that dress rehearsal? You were so off!”

He received no reply, Jaehyun was too zoned out to hear. Dejun hopped onto the counter of Jaehyun’s dresser. Usually, the action would shock the main lead but Jaehyun was too lost in thought.“Well, you know what they say about a bad dress rehearsal. That means we’ll have a good opening night,” Dejun said, eyeing his friend for his lack of response.

Finally looking away from his reflection, Jaehyun glanced up at Dejun with a look of disbelief. “She likes me?”

His friend jumped off the counter with widened eyes.“Oh my god, did she finally confess? Was that why you were acting weird?”

“Dejun, you knew?” Jaehyun slammed his palms on his dresser. The makeup products on the tabletop shook, leaving the other guy to wince at the show of strength. 

“Honestly for being the ace of the theatre department, you sure are dumb,” Dejun replied a bit too casually as he leaned into the mirror to examine his appearance. He clicked his tongue upon realizing his cheeks didn’t have enough color. The stage lights would wash him out. The boy reached for Jaehyun’s pink blush and a clean wedge before applying it onto the apples of his cheeks.

“What should I do?”

“Well, Jaehyun, what do you want to do?” Dejun asked, turning side to side to double-check his reflection. 

“I don’t know that’s why I’m asking you!” Jaehyun fired back with vigor, hating how casual his best friend was acting. He was having a before-show crisis and his best friend was calmly stealing his bottle of Ben Nye, spraying his beautifully sculpted face with the setting spray.

“Well, do you like her more than a friend? And what about Naeun?”

“Yes? No? I don’t know! But—”

“But?” His friend asked before hopping onto the countertop. The actor raised his perfectly shaped eyebrows at his friend and Jaehyun had the sudden urge to pluck the beauties they were until Dejun had no eyebrow hair left. When Jaehyun didn’t reply, Dejun repeated his question.

Dropping his head in his hands, Jaehyun hesitantly replied, “There was this moment when I saw her and it was like that thing she always said? The slo-mo thing?”

Dejun’s head perked up. “You saw her in slow motion?” 

“Yeah, it was like time stopped. All I saw was her and then…” Jaehyun thought back to seeing you in a wedding dress. He changed his mind; he didn’t want to talk about his feelings. All he wanted to do was make sure opening night ran as smoothly as possible. Grabbing his white suit jacket for the top of Act One, the boy stood up in an attempt to escape his friend’s sudden peak in curiosity. “Never mind, this is ridiculous. I gotta go, Dejun.” 

“No, you’re not going anywhere until you actually confront your damn feelings,” Dejun said, shoving his friend back in his chair. “Do you like Naeun?”

There was a pause before he answered truthfully: “Yes.”

“Okay, and are your feelings for Naeun stronger than what you have for your best friend?” 

“No,” Jaehyun released another sigh as he leaned back in his chair. A hand reached up to brush through his hair before he remembered that it was gelled back in place. He dropped his hand to rub the back of his neck, not wanting to mess with his looks before places. “I was infatuated with Naeun but with her, god, she’s something else and it took me this long to realize it.”

“How do I know you’re not just saying that?” Dejun questioned, squeezing his friend’s shoulders a bit too tightly. Jaehyun thought his friend was testing him and for a good reason. If he was in Dejun’s position, Jaehyun would’ve grilled his friend, too. “How do I know you’re actually in love with her? Yes, you’re my roommate and best friend but she’s my best friend, too. I can’t let you hurt her if all you feel is something temporary. I can’t let you treat her like those other girls.”

“Because she’s The One, Dejun. I’m certain of it,” Jaehyun snapped back. “When I look at her, I see everything I’ve been searching for. It’s like I was blind for the longest time, you know? She was always just Forky to me back when I didn’t know any better. But now I see and all I see is her— her, with all her flaws. The way she hides her insecurities with her dramatic outbursts. How she picks at her cuticles when she’s nervous or how she always steals my food at home. And the way she just fits with me. I can’t explain it.”

Jaehyun didn’t even give his friend a chance to butt in. He was still rambling on with a fond smile, his mouth running a mile. “She’s been there with me since the beginning, Jun. Before I was this prince of the theatre department, she was there. She’s been there since the beginning and even when I was chasing after girls, she was there at the middle of it all, and fuck, I want to go all the way to the end with her.”

Dejun released his hold on his friend and rolled his eyes. The boy made his way to the door of the dressing room before mumbling under his breath, “God, what is with you two and giving out monologues? I swear, when this is all over, you should become playwrights.”

“What?”

“Never mind me, Jaehyun,” Dejun opened the door and gestured for Jaehyun to follow the path— the path down the hall that led to you. “What are you waiting for? Go get her, we have 30 until Joohyun calls for places!”

“Dejun, it’s much more complicated than that.”

“It’s only as complicated as you make it out to be. Just— just go and talk to her, yeah?”

Jaehyun sighed deeply as he reached your dressing room door. He knocked lightly, running through the lines he wanted to say in his head before you shouted a faint “come in.” The door squeaked open to reveal you, his best friend in the whole entire world, touching up your makeup. The best friend that he was inescapably in love with. You watched him through the mirror as he leaned against the frame with crossed arms. 

“Can we talk after the show? There’s something I need to tell you— it’s important. I don’t think I—um, I have enough time to tell you now,” Jaehyun asked, stuttering through his words. Gone was the confidence he usually bared. The only thing left in him was a scared little boy, afraid of the problem his words may cause. 

The smile he received from you did not reach your ears. “Of course,” you replied curtly before turning away from him. He noted how you were over applying your blush and fidgeting with your costume. You were doing everything in your power to avoid him. 

The tugging of your ear, the biting of your lip, the picking of your cuticles. He saw all your bad habits. You were a ball of nerves and the speaker announced it was ten minutes before places.

“Hey, Forky?”

“Yes, Jaehyun?”

“You know that I believe in you, right? Always?”

There was a twitch at the corner of your lips. “I do.”

“Good,” Jaehyun approached you with caution. You watched him from your mirror, never making direct eye contact as he came closer. He dropped a kiss on the crown on your head, relishing in the way his plush lips against your torn bandana and the lace front wig. “Break a leg, my Ella.”

He observed you through your reflection and took in how beautiful you looked in your rags. You made the rags the costume department designed for you look like riches. 

“Same goes to you, my prince,” he heard you answer in that soft tone.  Again, you had sent him to the skies and the boy was struggling to find his way back down.

When it was time to draw the curtains and light the lights for the first performance of Cinderella, it seemed like everything fell into place.  Jaehyun stared at you across the stage, falling for the way the lights illuminated your figure in that white ball gown. The bright glow brought his attention to your bright grin, that beautiful and radiant smile of yours, that shocked him to his core. 

Jaehyun locked eyes with you and suddenly, he was drowning. He was drowning in your expressive eyes. He was drowning in your overflowing love. 

It was different being across from you in front of a full audience. There was a rush that took over him whenever he saw you and it beat the flurries his heart experienced with his other leading ladies. As you said your lines with that bewitching sparkle in your eye, Jaehyun hated himself for not realizing how much he loved you sooner or how you were never playing pretend. 

But that was okay because Jung Jaehyun loved you now. He loved you in the world you made believe on stage, where he was Prince Topher and you were his Ella, and he loved you in reality where you would always be the fork to his spoon. 

Opening night went smoothly and the roaring applause I received during my final bow sent me to the moon. The way Jaehyun looked at me across the stage with eyes filled with pride and joy blasted me to places I had never been before. I became high on this feeling of being under the burning spotlights. The feeling of wearing the most intricate costume and the way his hand slid into mine for the last bow before the curtains were drawn; it was something I wanted to treasure for the rest of my life.

But with every high came a low— my low hit me when I ran into Jaehyun’s dressing room. I caught him in an embrace with Naeun who gifted my best friend with a rose. She placed a kiss on his cheek, causing his white ears to flush a deep red that rivaled the flower he held. The girl gave him a quick shove of the shoulder before heading to me. 

Her congratulatory statement went in one ear and out the other. I could barely process Naeun handing me a rose of my own before she walked out of the room, the sweet scent of her perfume lingering in her wake. She gave my best friend one more lingering look as she left and it hurt me in so many ways.

“Ready to go?” Jaehyun said, clearing his throat. “Wanna stop by the stage first? Soak in your first opening night as a lead?”

“Why the hell not?” The walk back to the stage was short. It felt different somehow.

“We did it,” I whispered.

“That we did,” he answered back. 

We walked onto the stage together and I could still hear the crowds cheering for me, giving me the standing ovation I earned. It was electrifying, the way the sparks ran through my body. It ran from the top of my head to the tips of my fingers and toes. 

Glancing around the empty auditorium, I pondered aloud, “But do you know what sucks about it all, Jaehyun?”

“What?”

“There’s nothing worse than the feeling of not being chosen and it still hurts that I wasn’t the first choice,” I replied truthfully, “Not as much as before. But I’m learning to get over it. The casting directors saw potential in me.”

“That’s because you do have the potential to be a star. You’re practically glowing right now.” I felt his eyes trained on me, just like they were the entire time we shared the stage. 

Turning abruptly to face him, I said, “You really can’t say that to me, you know?”

“And why’s that?”

“Because it makes my heart beat against my chest and these stupid butterflies come around before I remember that you have never chosen me to be your first choice,” I glared. 

“But I do choose you,” Jaehyun pushed, his voice laced with desperation, “That’s what I was trying to tell you before you stormed off on me earlier!”

“Are you really choosing me, Jaehyun? The real me? The me that has been your best friend for years? Or are you choosing the me that shares a stage with you every night? The me that could potentially be your next whirlwind romance?” No matter how desperate he sounded, he couldn’t beat the hopelessness that was dripping from my own voice. 

“No, that’s not it at all!” his voice boomed, the sound echoing throughout the empty auditorium. 

“Then, what is it, Jung Jaehyun? Because I am tired of being second best and I’m tired of not being chosen,” I almost cried. The anguish was just taking over my body and I couldn’t make it stop. “Yes, I know some parts are not right for me but I can’t help but be hurt. And then you say that you’re choosing me? Of course, I’m going to think of it being because I’m your newest love interest on stage.”

“If you could just listen—”

Unable to stop the words from coming out, I just kept running off at the mouth. Everything I wanted to say to Jaehyun was flying out of my lips at rapid speed; I couldn’t even stop it. “I have seen you in slow motion so many times and I want to just fast forward from those moments. To speed past them so I can move on from the idea of not being yours. I refuse to be a temporary love that you lose interest in. I just want you to pick me, to choose me, and to love me, damn it— is that too fucking much to ask for? To be chosen and loved?”

While I was taking a breath to continue with my rant, Jaehyun cut me off and the words he said rattled the stage, the ground beneath my feet, and my whole entire world.“No, it’s not and you are way fucking more than that, if you just take a moment out of your godforsaken monologue and listen to me! I choose you not because you’re my leading lady but because you’re you. You’ve always been this— this incredible, breathtaking you.” 

He took one step closer and I took one step back. “And you’ve the person at my side when no one else is.” 

Every single time I would retreat, Jaehyun would follow. The boy was persistent, his brown eyes trained on me. “The one who figured out you loved me first while I was too blind to see it. You’re the fork to my spoon. We’re a set, we go together. And I was too dumb to figure out that at the end of the day, I always think about you and how no one I’ve ever been with compares to you.”

 When my back hit the wall, I was trapped. Trapped in between his arms and the way they propped themselves on either side of my face. Trapped in the haze of his brown eyes and how they dug deep into my soul. 

 “I don’t see you in slow motion— I see you in fast forward. I see you in the future, my future, walking down the aisle in white and I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. All I know is that I choose you. I will always choose you.”  

I was trapped by Jung Jaehyun and there was no escape for me. Judging by the way his eyes never let me out of his sight, there was a chance my friend didn’t want to let me go either. He wanted me to stay. 

“Jaehyun, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I love you. You’re my beginning, middle, and my end.”

“You love me? Like you’re in love with me?” Jaehyun heard you ask, like the possibility of being loved by him was so impossible. You were searching for any inkling of doubt but he made sure you couldn’t find any because you were the only thing he could see. 

Jaehyun brought a hand near your cheek. It hovered there as he hesitated to touch it to your skin until you leaned into his touch. Your cheek felt so warm in his palm and it was so comforting to have you in his hold. “I wanted to say it earlier but I was just so scared of losing you as both a lover and a friend because what if it all goes to shit? What if we go to shit and things hit the fan? I can’t lose you.” 

“But you, Jung Jaehyun, are in love with me?” you repeated as your hand cupped his own. The smile you gave him was bright enough to light up the stage. 

“Yeah, I thought I made that clear. I’m sorry, did I mumble that line?” he teased playfully, trying to coerce a giggle out of you. “Should I start the scene over?”

“No, no. I’m just—” you paused and he watched you recollect your thoughts. His glittering brown eyes were trained on you as the words processed in your head. “You love me,” you laughed in disbelief. 

Jaehyun took a step closer, his hand tentatively reaching out to stroke your face. He sighed in relief as you relaxed into his touch. “You’re my number one girl. I choose you.” 

“Well, it’s a good thing that even after all this time, I’ve always chosen you, too.”

Once those words left your lips, he couldn’t hold himself back. Wrapping his arms around your waist, Jaehyun pulled you against his chest and smashed his lips against yours. Yes, he had kissed you on multiple occasions prior to this— onstage and off— but this time was different than the rest.

 This was the first time he really kissed you after your feelings were out in the open.

The first time he kissed you and finally felt the love you harbored for so many years. Jaehyun just hoped you could sense the love he was pouring out for you, too. 

He did not want to let you go but he was struggling to breathe. You were so lovely, everything about you was so incredibly lovely, and to have you in his arms was the best feeling in the universe. Everything around him turned dark and he felt the warmth of a spotlight and the flush of your body against him. The entire world was spinning beneath his feet, his heart racing, and his lips chasing you and only you. 

Jaehyun did not understand why people did drugs— the high of being so ardently in love with another person, with you, gave him the high that he needed. 

He felt you hit his chest in an attempt to end the kiss but Jaehyun did not want to stop. A light shove to his shoulders was enough to separate his lips from yours and what a sight you were— chest panting heavily for air, lips plumped and swollen, and the prettiest set of eyes widened in shock.

“You kissed me!” you said in between pants. “Like not a stage kiss but you actually kissed me!”

“That I did, love,” Jaehyun replied cheekily, taking another step towards you. You stepped back to lean against the wall but did nothing to stop him from coming forward. “Are you gonna do something about it?” 

The look in your eyes changed after you heard his new nickname for you. It was coy. Flirty. Challenging. “Do it again, I dare you,” you whispered a bit too loudly. 

Before Jaehyun closed the distance, his eyebrow perked up at the challenge. “Gladly.”

Senior year was there before we knew it. 

Another year, another posting day. 

Dejun, Jaehyun, and I swiftly made our way down the hall to the front of the theatre department, curious to find out which roles we were given. The spring production and the final musical of our college career was Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. 

Callbacks for Belle went as smooth as ever— the chemistry between Jaehyun and I were off the charts. But why wouldn’t they be? We were together now. 

Just like any other time, the crowds gathering around the cast list and bulletin board parted immediately once they caught a glimpse of Jaehyun approaching. The only difference was that this time, he was tightly clutching my hand. 

When we arrived in front of the board, I shut my eyes before I could read the cast list. An anxious buzz flowed through my veins, tickling the tips of my fingers and toes. My boyfriend must’ve felt the twitching of my fingers or the sweat dripping off my palms. 

I felt his body shift towards me. “Want me to take a peek first, love?” Jaehyun asked as he pressed his plump lips onto the crown of my head. He nuzzled his nose into my hair, a small but sweet action that always comforted me. 

Shaking my head, I looked at him and said, “No, why don’t we look together?”

“On three?” he grinned lovingly.

“On three, you dumb spoon.”

The countdown was quick but the glance I took at the cast list was even quicker. It was so quick, I almost didn’t catch who was put into the role of Belle. Taking a double take, I let go of Jaehyun’s hand as my eyes zeroed in onto the tiny print. 

Everything around me came to a stop as I read and re-read the cast list. Everyone around me was celebrating their parts but I couldn’t hear them, they were all muted in my mind. All I could hear was the sound of my own breaths  and all I could see my name on the top of the page. 

Belle……………..Y/N The Beast……..Jung Jaehyun

“Oh my god, I got the part,” I whispered to no one in particular. Backing away from the board, I repeated the same words a little louder and it got the attention of everyone surrounding me. Before I knew it, everyone threw a congratulations my way. The cheers were loud and obnoxious but they were for me because I did it. I finally did it.

Feeling a little overwhelmed, I backed away from the blustering crowd before bumping into my boyfriend’s firm chest. Jaehyun caught me in his hold, his arms circling around my waist. He dropped his chin on my shoulder and placed a tender kiss on my temple. “Would you look at that? We’re not a ridiculous set of tableware this time.”

“No disrespect to those parts, they were awesome, but I think I like this a lot more,” I giggled, turning in his hold. 

As I circled my arms around his neck, he whispered, “Same here.”

I yanked him down into an earth-shattering kiss that sent the world spinning beneath my feet. It slowed down, speeded up, and it did everything in between. I saw flashes of yellow ball gowns, royal blue coats, and Jaehyun smiling at me gracefully across the stage. 

Jaehyun staring me down from the other end of an altar. 

I saw it all. 

If my life was a movie, then this would be the time that the screen would fade to black and show the names. Some overly poppy song would resonate through the speakers and everyone would get up from their seats and gush over the happy ending.

But it wasn’t. My life was as real as it could be and it was even better than any romantic-comedy that would ever grace the screen. 

This wasn’t the ending. 

This was the perfect beginning. 

AUTHOR’S NOTE. hello, my darling readers! you really didn’t have to wait that long for this release, did you? a big thank you to several people: @johtenrecs for always being my beta and for the helpful feedback, to my chaotic gc ( @smoll-tangerine, @ppangjae, @jaedore​, and @jeongvision) for listening to me complain about how i was losing it while writing this fic, to @suhpressed​ for helping me with brainstorm, and lastly, to my lovely @notnctu bc without her and our crazy idea of hosting a hannah montana collab, i wouldn’t have gotten this idea! love y’all! hope you enjoyed this and please leave feedback! uwu

TAGLIST. @yasmini24 @jaehyunnie77 @emmybyeakitty @fluffyjaes @aevizen @dearjaehyxn @yourmagnanimousholiness @jaehyvnsvalentine @keemburley @softieus @lanadreamie @lebrookestore  @notmangojuice @felixn-recs @captainsjoongs @anotherfullsun @ukiyoneo @kunrengui​ @babyyynatty​ 

© sehunniepotwrites, 2021

[thanatophobia-thoughts]

Today’s tip for death anxiety: cleaning!

Not just the anxiety cleaning, but the big, throwing shit out, cleaning, that I think most people do once a year – thus the idea of “spring cleaning”. ‘Tis the season, so let’s talk about why that’s good to do, for your mental health.

I can use my experience.

I’ve lived in my house for several years now, but I haven’t been able to do that big cleaning because I wasn’t able to unpack everything until LITERALLY this year. The reason for this is simple: I didn’t have the space, but I would have the space, when the library room was finished. Well, life and issues got in the way of that happening, but eventually, it did.

It’s not perfect, there’s still a few things in the library room to finish up, mostly for the cosplay closet so I can sort out my cosplay clothes and fancy clothes from my daily ones (because they’re taking up way too much space), but having that space allowed me to finally unpack everything, and sort it out, and determine what I still had room for, and what I didn’t. As well as what I simply didn’t care about anymore.

Tastes change. So do needs. I use a Keurig, since I don’t drink as much coffee anymore (and even then it’s decaf), so I no longer needed things relating to large coffee makers.

I’m not really that into Pirates of the Caribbean or Game of Thrones anymore. There’s some art that I just didn’t care about anymore. That doesn’t mean EVERYTHING related to those goes away, but it does mean some of it. I also don’t need 50 stuffed animals, some mere variations of the same type.

 6 hours, and 4 trashbags later, for the first time in a while it felt like my room had space and not just a path to walk through. It felt like I could add things I love now, while cherishing the things I loved then, that survived the purge.

 Why is cleaning like this important?

 Well, generally speaking, a clean home environment is a healthier one physically. Things can build up in environments that aren’t cleaned, spiders find homes in clutter, as do mice, and other critters. It’s not ideal for them, or for you.

 There’s the mental part, as well. When you free up space in your home, it’s like freeing up space in your mind. There’s less worries. You know where more things are. You know how to access more things. It’s all around good because it lessens the mental load you carry.

For death anxiety in particular, it can hit on these points:

Learning to give things up, and learning to bring new things in. We know we have to let go of things in life – death is the greatest of that. This is a practice in letting go of things that no longer serve you, like clothes that are threadbare, or things you once loved, but no longer cherish the same way. I am NOT advocating throwing away that precious baby blanket that may be threadbare, but still inspires such warm feelings. No, no, no, this is for the stuff that isn’t that dear, and really isn’t serving you any longer. And then you can bring in new things!

 We have this idea of treasuring the old to the point of insanity, and being wary of “phases” to not bring in new things. Will I love this five years from now? Who the FUCK cares??? You love it now. It serves you now. Bring it into your home, and if you don’t love it in five years, it served its purpose, get rid of it.

In a way, it teaches you to deal with grief. Not that you “let grief go”, but you don’t have to dwell in it endlessly. You are, in fact, allowed to move on. Allowed to love again. Allowed to bring in new things, make new memories, no matter how long, or short, it lasts.

So clean. Clean and practice the art of letting go, alongside cherishing and finding renewed love for what you have. No doubt you’ll dig up things you forgot about, and maybe you can find a way for them to serve you in the Now.

Ideally, this would be done once a year, and I think that’s a good way to look at it. Not all in one day necessarily – but over the course of a couple of weeks, or a month, depending on the size of your living space and things you have. This is spring! It’s time to make room for the new.

[amesstm]

breaking up

Characters: Kageyama, Atsumu, Ushijima, Sakusa

Warnings: angsty as heck, some may be out of character since we never really see them in romantic relationships

A/N: I’m just feeling sad rn. Like I’m in a healthy relationship but gosh darn it, I guess I like pain

✨Kageyama✨ hasn’t seen you since you walked away from him, not even bothering to congratulate him on his victory. That was the first sign that something wasn’t right. Maybe it was how he prioritized his volleyball career over you. But didn’t you know that you signed up for that when you started dating? Yet, he knew that he didn’t sign up for this part. “Tobio, I think we need to call it quits.” The man who always has something to say couldn’t open his mouth to even release a breath. “Even when you’re not practicing, it’s as if you’re not there with me. I’ve never felt more alone than when I’m with you.” He didn’t know what to say, didn’t know if he should’ve ran towards you and grasped you into a hug one last time, and he didn’t know if this was the last time he would see you. Every little thing that he thought he could’ve done ran through his mind and he uttered, “I’m sorry.”

✨Atsumu✨ knew that your relationship with each other would fail eventually. No matter how much reassuring he did, the tabloids of him ‘sneaking around with other girls’ nipped at you like mice chewing on a corpse. You simply had no will to endure those thoughts anymore, especially since Atsumu didn’t want to showcase you. Little did you know that it was because you were the only private aspect of his life anymore. “Everyone was right about you.” He couldn’t say anything as you placed paper after paper of ‘evidence’ onto the table. “Angel, you know those are all lies.” “It doesn’t change the fact that I feel like I’ll never be good enough.” The loud mouth couldn’t find a word to say. His silence didn’t surprise you, since he never listened in the first place to hear your voice over his. “I tried loving you, but you love your image more than you could ever love me.”

✨Ushijima✨ couldn’t say anything, like usual. His silence over the past few months left an eerie and deafening drift between you two. Of course you understood that he would prioritize his career as a professional volleyball player. Yet, you thought that you’d be somewhere a bit higher on the list. “Well, aren’t you going to say something?” You ask, exasperated with tears in your eyes after you cried your heart out. He wanted to say something but with the lump in his throat, he couldn’t string together a sentence that would express how sorry he was. You sobbed out, “Please, please just say something.” He could only blink as if it would disappear the next time he opened his eyes. “What do you want me to say?” “Just-“ you started, but shakily inhaled to calm yourself, “No, I can’t ask you to put me first. Not when you had every chance to do that.”

✨Sakusa✨ didn’t know what you wanted from him. Weren’t you supposed to know that he hated germs? Why were you acting so angry right now? “You didn’t have to do that,” you said, folding your arms as he drove from your parents house. “What did I do?” “Act like my family was disgusting even though everything and everyone was clean.” He grit his teeth, “It doesn’t matter when they tried to hug me!” You sighed into your hands, “So does that mean I disgust you?” “What? No-“ You cut him off, “-Because I always feel like I disgust you.” When did you start to feel like this? When did this all happen? Sakusa felt his heart numb, “What do you mean?” “You know exactly what I mean,” you said, biting on your lip to stop from crying. “I’m sorry, I just can’t feel this way anymore. I’ll start packing when we get to the apartment.”

©amesstm on tumblr // pls do not plagiarize, steal, or repost my content w/o permission!! BUT likes & reblogs are highly appreciated :)

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

Hi! I love everything that you write and heh I am a fan! 😄 tbh this is my first time requesting something on Tumblr! If you don't mind and if I am not being a bother...can you write about how the guys would react If MC suddenly starts making meme references? I don't know how I got the idea but I am REALLY curious. And love you! :D

Hiya! Tyvm for the kind words, and apologies that this took a while! I hope you have the chance to enjoy it regardless ❤️❤️❤️ Love you too, sweet pea! I promise to get to the next request you’ve sent ASAP~

Aight but this would be hilarious because the range of the reactions is just ungodly. I will be putting this under a cut after Napoleon so I don’t clog up everyone’s dash, but all the suitors are included below otherwise! 

Comte is the one that recognizes a few, but didn’t really stay in modern times long enough to be as well-versed as a Gen Z kid might. Regardless he finds the wittiness and absolute chaotic fuckery to be delightful, and will 100% support the harmless nonsense. It never fails to get a laugh out of him

Mozart that first day be like: “Buzz off MC I hate you” MC, because she likes swinging bats at wasps’ nests: “Well that’s not very cash money of you” Mozart: ?????????? Comte, giggling in the bg like the secret fae he is This one’s just because I’m petty, but after the events of Comte rt I just imagine them encountering Vlad again and MC’s just “I lived bitch.” while Comte is flipping him off behind her lkjahgkjhdsg

Comte @ Leo when he finds the latter under his desk: Had it not been for the laws of this land, I would have slaughtered you.  MC: wheezing from the hallway as she’s about to give him his letters

MC: So how was your day, honey? Comte: Good, good--briefly had to go beastmode upon the punk that pilfered my lint roller MC, biting her lip to keep from laughing: So does Leo still have his kneecaps? Comte: for now.

Comte, @ literally anyone upsetting the MC: I won’t hesitate, bitch

Comte: Be careful with my emotional baggage, it’s designer

MC: What if I was evil and ran towards you at very fast speeds Comte: My arms are strong, I would catch and hug you

Leo and Dazai are the ones that don’t have a single reference point but are filled with so much dumbass chaos energy that they just. Understand immediately???? Nobody knows how or why, but they just catch on so fast--adapt the language in a matter of weeks. Never underestimate the power of combined boredom, depression, and humor

I swear to god I just see MC taking them their Blanc/Rouge and being like “here you go sir, one enslaved moisture” and they just go fucking hog wild from day one. MC starts impersonating Theo when he leaves the room around Dazai, like fake deep voice “you all only hate me because you do not like me and I am mean to you. grow up.” Or like the MC meets a baby on her travels with Leo around town and she holds them and says v seriously and sagely “So you are Baby? I have heard tales of your exploits.” and Leo about loses his shit right there. They both think MC is the funniest person alive--they’ve never been more eager to throw a ring at someone in their entire life.

Also a bonus for my beloved Dazai:  MC, facing even the slightest inconvenience (like dropping her fork) in the most dramtic voice possible: Life is not daijoubu. Dazai: wheezing

MC, after watching Theo turn down a woman at the bar in the meanest way possible: bro quit letting the darkness consume you u r scaring the hoes Dazai, literally rolling around on the ground, half-drunk and dying:

MC, walking alongside Dazai and stopping to stare at her reflection in the River Seine. Dazai’s expecting some sad or twisted shit, since people often feel comfortable talking about those things around him, but instead she just: “Oh, it’s you. The source of all my problems.” And he about falls into the river from shock HAHAHA

At this point don’t be surprised if his next book is about an absolute madlad woman similar to MC

Napoleon finds it to be a delightful quirk more than anything? He doesn’t really understand it, but he finds it funny when they change their voice for effect or speak in exaggerated tones. If it’s just comprehensible enough for an outsider to understand--or Sebas gives him context--chances are it’ll send him into a laughing fit

For this one I just imagine MC singing that Ratatouille meme song obnoxiously bad while cooking, and Napoleon and Comte are just so wildly amused by it bc it makes zero sense and it’s only vaguely French at this point

MC @ Napoleon while they’re cooking brunch: Can I offer you a nice egg in these trying times?

MC, conflicted because she’s tired and wanted to sleep in but also got to see Napo’s cute sleeping face for a few hours: For my next stunt, I’ll wake up at 5AM on the day I can sleep in. Sebas: Early to bed and early to rise makes a person healthy, wealthy, and wise MC: early to bed and early to rise makes me a massive bitch Napoleon: laughing in agreement

Isaac is the type to be bewildered and concerned at first (especially when he hears the more nihilistic ones hoOOOoooOO BOY) but eventually begins to understand it’s some bizarre attempt at humor (that hurts Zack baby). While some part of him laments that it reminds him of Dazai and he’s secretly jealous of how she and Dazai bond over it, he will sometimes join in the chaos when the mood strikes him and he’s feeling mischievous

Isaac: How are you feeling? MC: Oh, I’m not Isaac: seconds from dialing 911 Isaac: Are you okay? MC: Oh yeah dw I just suffer from that syndrome where your neutral expression makes you look like you’re an angry serial killer Isaac: say sike rn

Isaac, tutoring MC and correcting something:  MC, muttering while redoing it: The risk I took was calculated, but man am I bad at math. Isaac: unable to help a laugh

One time MC was avoiding Isaac for fear of hurting his feelings and he just confronts her like: Isaac: back by unpopular demand, me! What’s wrong, MC pls MC was so hecking proud of him

Isaac, telling MC about a recent discovery he learned at uni from another professor: bones typically heal stronger after they’ve been broken--so long as they’re set properly, of course MC, looking him dead in the eyes: So what you’re saying is that I should break every bone in my body until I become superhumanly powerful? Isaac: please do not, no

Mozart and Jeanne are just. Totally lost. Why are you talking like that??? Why are you making “crab hands”???? They don’t understand. Maybe never will. They reach a point where they just kind of laugh and shake their heads, endeared by the oddity after they’re used to it and have determined it isn’t a threat/insult. 

MC: It’s a cold and it’s a brooooken, Waluigi. Waaaaluigiiiii...waaaahluigi..... Mozart: surprised, then starts snickering and playing along on the piano

Arthur, asking MC very personal questions out loud because he is an idiot sometimes: Soooo MC, are you a top or a bottom? MC: I’m a threat. (If he asks a second time, the response will be “Wouldn’t you like to know, weatherboy.”) Jeanne, fighting a smile:

MC, about to punch an asshole: Your free trial of being alive has ended Jeanne, seconds from laughing for the first time in 100 years:

Also, because I genuinely can’t help myself. You know that knight meme like “Parry this you fucking casual.” I cannot stress enough that it is literally the personification of Jeanne’s entire character. I’m not even joking.

Arthur and Shakespeare are utterly fascinated by the rapid evolution of wordplay and the sheer hilarity. They will ask all about these so-called “memes” and ask for examples of them if MC can show them (either somehow accessing her phone or drawing them). MC draws Arthur the knife cat meme and he about a s c e n d s at the hilarity of it all, points and yells THEO IS HOLDING THE KNIFE. He is correct. They will be delighted and follow along eagerly, and--god forbid--will make their own based on late 19th century struggles.

Is this where Shakespeare got the idea for “What, you egg? stabs him” and “You are a saucy boy.”? I’m too scared to ask. Don’t even get me started on “The Fool jingled miserably across the floor.” That one is just too on the nose...

I can’t even imagine what would happen to Shakespeare if MC like translated vines and memes into Ye Olde English around him. Imagine she’s at one of those noble balls and hears rumors of these two guys living together and they’re so obviously gay and he says “And those gents w’re roommates.” And in the most false surprised tone ever MC just replies “oh mine own god, those gents w’re roommates.” Imagine having a wife that’s just as hilarious as you are and hits you with all the force of a bag of wet mice every time you speak in retaliation, he’s going into palpitations.

Every time Arthur does smth stupid MC just: “I Pretend I Do Not See It.”

Vincent is tickled pink by MC’s penchant for finding joy and/or amusement in nearly everything they do, and he smiles gently when he sees them muttering and laughing to themselves. He wants to be able to join them in what they love, but he has a harder time following along and understanding the darker humor sometimes. Mostly gets confused??? Please give him the easier ones to mimic and laugh when he tries--or just include him in your jokes MC. He’s babie your honor...

But he also. Will not. Stand any kind of self-deprecation or borderline verbal self-harm. He’s usually very easygoing and calm, but for whatever reason that stuff makes him go deathly quiet and upset.

MC, after something goes horribly wrong, hugging Vincent: Oh Vince, we really in it now Vincent: giggling a little despite his worries, relaxing

MC: Theo stop simping for Vincent that’s my job

MC, when Theo leaves the room and she gets Vincent all to herself: The evil is defeated.

MC: And this is where I would put my will to live...if I h a d one! Vincent: ;-; MC: oh shit, oh fuck, I was only kidding Vincent wait (MC was subsequently lectured and loved on for many hours)

Theo is conflicted because on the one hand, he loves to see you smiling and having fun. On the other, you’re clowning as hard as Dazai and Arthur and he can only handle so many monkeys in his circus. Most of the time he will roll his eyes and be the straight man of this comedy, but you might find him cracking a smile--or accidentally letting a chuckle slip past his lips now and again.

MC, after meeting Theo: I’m a nice person, but I’m about to start throwing rocks at people.

Theo, those first days: Oh? You’re approaching me? Instead of running away, you’re coming right to me? MC: I can’t beat the shit out of you without getting closer.

Theo: Every time I ask MC to explain “vibe check” to me she hits me with some kind of improvised weapon

MC, after the “incident” (you know the one): This year, I lost my dear lover Theo Theo, in the distance: QUIT TELLING EVERYONE I’M DEAD! MC: ;-; sometimes I can still hear his voice...

Sebastian is last because oh boy. OH BOYYYYY I LOVE HIM. Okay so the way I see this happening with Sebastian is just. So wild. Because at first he’s t r y i n g so hard to be the proper butler man. He does not meme. But then he starts to drift closer to what Niles from The Nanny was, where he’ll quip and joke in private or when the situation is just beyond the amount of absurdity he can handle without making a snarky comment. Everyone in the house can’t fathom how Sebas and MC got so close so fast, but there are points where they’re just “Are they even speaking English anymore???” It’s 11 times funnier than normal because Sebas almost never smiles or laughs when memeing, the deadpan quality of his playing along sends MC every time

Has ABSOLUTELY said “HEY. PANINI HEAD. ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME???” jokingly when MC made a mistake in the kitchen. They laugh about it for y e a r s

MC: I can’t date someone who keeps a lamb as a pet, that’s so weird Sebas, brushing Lotte in front of MC: MC: MC: Okay, I will make an exception because she looks very polite

MC and Sebas, fully aware of the fame some of the men will reach in modern times: We will watch your career with great interest.  (I s2g that’s like half of Sebas’ rt right there I’m crying)

Sebas rt with Lotte be like that 500 dollar Mareep meme: “sometimes a family can be just a boy, his gf, and their 500 dollar two foot tall Lotte”

[felassan]

DA4 Lead Producer Scylla Costa’s BIG Festival talk, “Challenges of Dragon Age production during the pandemic”, can currently be rewatched on YouTube here starting roughly at timestamp 8:57:02 after a lil presenter blurb/intro. It’s 1 hour long. When it was streamed live, there was an English translation ‘voiceover’. There isn’t in this vid, however I want to post the link for Portuguese speakers, and also it’s neat for everyone to be able to see all the slides he presented with for themselves in context.

I don’t know if an English-language version will get put up so I’m sharing the notes I took during the talk below, in case anyone’s interested and because I might as well since I wrote them. The rest of this post is under a cut due to length.

Edit: Found a place to re-watch the English version of the talk

(Quick note: I didn’t note down everything, mostly things that caught my interest, so this isn’t exhaustive, and when I was watching I was real tired, so pls bear that in mind and don’t take these notes as bullet-proof 100% accurate gospel or direct quotes. If you watched it and think I’ve written down something wrong/misunderstood, let me know and I’ll fix. Also if you’re a Portuguese speaker and I’ve gotten something incorrect or missed something important etc, again just let me know.) **

** Edit: I’ve now gone through my notes while watching the talk again. I’ve filled in some of the gaps (although they still don’t cover everything said) and so forth, and now I’m no longer worried about there being possible errors in this post.

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For some context, this slide contained the breakdown of the talk’s structure. Bear in mind there are other slides present in the talk than the ones I’ve posted here, I didn’t include caps of all of them, just ones which were of note to me.

In the talk, chief Producer Scylla goes over challenges of DA4 production during the pandemic. He discusses the adaptations - necessary skills and learning from remote work - and he ponders on the future of teamwork.

After the launch of ME3 he became a producer, all his MMO and other experience helped a lot. He was on DAI for 3 years and MEA for 9 months, then Anthem. Today, on DA4, Scylla and another Lead Producer were the heads of the whole project, and there is his boss is the Executive Producer Christian Dailey. 

^ the usual AAA game development cycle (brief introduction)

AAA games are games that are launched for several platforms simultaneously. 

In BioWare’s case, the pre-production phase of the game development cycle can have from 5 - 30 people, and up to almost 60 people when they’re just about to go through the gate to production. 

In the pre-production phase, they go through the game’s concepts and prototypes and start developing systems. They seek the game’s concept and focus, and its key features. They do lots of market research. In the case of BioWare, all their games are strong in narrative, so they have lots of tools related to game narratives and supporting the development of a narrative (cinematic design, dialogue system etc) that get focused on in this phase. Other parts of the team such as writers and cinematic design need these systems to do their own roles. 

In BioWare’s case, the pre-production phase through to launch can take 4 - 6 years, but it does depend on the size of the team during development.

With regards to Dragon Age 4, they were coming close to the time when they would shift from pre-production to the production stage when the pandemic hit.

During the production phase is when the development of content and features takes place, with the systems mostly already existing from the pre-production phase. A few new systems may be developed in this phase. In the production phase is when things start escalating, and the team really starts growing, to like 2- or 3-fold the prior pre-production phase size. 

(DA4 is currently in the production phase.)

In the alpha phase, features have to be fully implemented and systems all have to be running / working. All the game features should already be in the game by now. They test from pre-production onwards, but this phase is when they run heavy technical tests with lots of players trying to play at the same time. In the beta phase, the idea is that you should now have full content and that now you’re balancing it and running more and lots of different tests with players before launch. There are final tweaks and then the final launch, when in the weeks prior to launch, all the different business units and areas e.g. marketing team, technology team, publishing team, get together once a day and all of the game’s issues are reported and brought to the table to be prioritized. Then they decide the next steps re: these issues (this is known as ‘the war room’).

After the launch there are usually patches like day zero patches and other patches, this being standard industry practise. The last stage is the new content stage where there are DLCs and a game with more content.

On March 12th 2020, the team gathered to review the DA4 story in the new office. Everyone was very excited. (They had spent over 10 years in their last building and had noticed that with the team growing they needed more space. In August 2019 they found the new studio in the city center.)

Anyway that evening, they got an email from the CEO which contained instructions and said that due to the pandemic, they should from now all start working remotely. They had known that this happening was a possibility so they had been planning on how to have all the devs working from home, but initially less than 50% of the devs were able to work from home successfully/efficiently due to various issues e.g. you need a VPN to be able to log in remotely to do your job normally, varying home office setups. The day after this, the office was basically deserted, except for Scylla, the IT infrastructure people and one or two odd devs.

Scylla was part of the team that was working on allowing the devs to work from home. They first started looking at the short-term changes they needed to make to allow this.

“First, take care of our developers”. 

When the pandemic first hit, their and Scylla’s [as Lead Producer] first priority was to look after the devs. Many of them are parents (schools and day-cares were shut, children were studying from home), others have relatives living with them, others have other personal circumstances which of course need to be taken into account when it comes to assessing what needs to be taken into consideration for this new scenario. So, they looked at each dev on a case-by-case basis in order to evaluate, speaking to each one and asking them what they could do to support them.

One of the first changes/adaptations they could implement was flexible working hours and flexibility around deadlines. Generally speaking the devs got a lot of support, EA was really good and really supported the devs especially in the first months of the pandemic (and they are still supporting them). Initially not all devs had suitable office spaces at home, some were working from the living room from laptops or at the kitchen table. The whole covid situation basically just happened over night and nobody was really ready to deal with that change. So their first step was to enable their devs to work remotely. As a producer, Scylla’s main task is to communicate with the team such as via a number of daily meetings. He doesn’t depend so much on powerful hardware.

“Enable developers to work remotely”.

This slide shows some of a BioWare audio team. Different teams have varying and specific needs in order to do their jobs and therefore in order to do them remotely. For example, the audio team need good-quality speakers and amplifiers, while the lighting and art teams need other specific equipment such as tablets and large screens. So there was a lot of work they had to do to go through each dev to understand their individual needs and what needed to be done for them. ‘Could they download the builds? Did they have the right performance [tech-wise]? Could they submit their changelists, their codes to the server?’

Some devs needed a more powerful internet connection as it would take 6-8 hours to download a build (some devs live rurally). Some needed a lot of cable, as they were working far away from their routers (sometimes up to 50m). As time went by things got better and better. 

The chair devs work from is also important; a kitchen able chair etc is not suitable to sit in for long-term desk work, possibly leading to health issues like back ache and blood circulation problems in the legs.

Every 3 months they had money given to help devs buy new mice, keyboards, monitors - anything they needed really in order for their office setting at home to be improved. For a while, because lots of people [generally, in society] were needing and buying them, it was quite hard to buy things like webcams and microphones.

On mid- and long-term changes:

In terms of DA, we have to look at this from 2 perspectives, the change in the personal and the professional environments. 

As a consequence of working from home, people tend to be less active during the day (even in an office, you go between meeting rooms, up and down stairs etc). Physical activity supports life quality and therefore work quality. Scylla noticed that he began to feel listless and such, and found that he needed to change his routine that he had initially developed when he started working from home, for example; having a normal start time (as in, have a semblance of structure in your day as if you were still working in the office site), get dressed at the normal time, not having meetings over lunch etc. This wasn’t just him, lots of other devs encountered this and had this experience too. Devs which adapted faster had better productivity and became more productive faster.

Scylla bought a stand-up desk which he can raise up and down, and at meetings he would be delivering a talk while standing or even while walking on a treadmill. Other devs also got stand-up desks. He tracked his body’s data on a Fitbit. These sorts of things helped improve physical and mental wellbeing. Other devs did similar things, like starting going out for jogs or began practising yoga. Essentially, everyone needed to make changes to their daily routine in comparison to what they had been doing prior to the pandemic. 

The pandemic has been a thing for over a year now. In their location, every couple of weeks a new restriction is put into place or a rule is changed, and every two weeks there’s a new thing that you can and can’t do. Scylla also started moving around his property. He worked on his desk, fixed it up and painted - taking up a new hobby. Other devs picked up new hobbies too. These are good ways to be active and also to be somewhere else, i.e. to break up the working day and not be spending it all in one home office-type location. Scylla found that when he made these sorts of changes to his routine to improve his lifestyle, the data output by his Fitbit as indicators of his health/wellbeing etc improved, e.g. number of steps taken in a day, heartbeats per minute while at rest. As stated many of the other devs went through a similar process.

On the professional side of things:

They had to improve remote delivery of builds. Accessing things from home as a dev requires a VPN. They need to download a build every day and then upload it to the server after making their changes to the game. They had to work with infrastructure and research other tech, such as streaming tech to allow remote console access, in order to better facilitate this process. For remote access, they also had to work on adapting communications channels.

“Adapting channels of communication.”

In this slide, the team are working on the storyboards. Before you can implement motion capture & performance capture, you have to ‘run the storyboards’ like this. These are small illustrating drawings which reflect the drafts and are meant to quickly reflect the intention of the scenes that are to be built. Before the pandemic, the team would go to meeting rooms like this, sit down, talk and interact in person. After the pandemic, the question became ‘How do you do this over Zoom?’ You can, but it’s not quite the same; it’s harder to see peoples’ expressions, some people are embarrassed speaking over Zoom etc. Therefore they had to adapt their communications systems, and unlearn the ways in which they developed before in order to relearn and learn new ways of communicating.

Slack was a tool that they adopted on this front. Communications channels can be confusing on Slack, so there was a need to develop structure. For example, how quickly should someone reply (as a recommended convention for the purposes of work)? They had to define the process/procedures for the channels so it was clear for the team as a whole how it would all flow (this is important especially if you have a team with say 30 people or as a whole hundreds of people). Before the pandemic, they had stand-up meetings where they’d go around in a circle every morning and talk about their activities - what they’re going to be working on, any roadblocks they had encountered etc. The question arose ‘How do you replace these?’ They ended up doing Slack messages at a certain time of day and updating their statuses with some details on what they’re working on and color-coding (green - fine, yellow - need help, red - busy/blocked out).

Another issue that they faced was unforeseen - the number of meetings that devs were having really shot through the roof. When there wasn’t a good structure of communications channels, any conversation would become a meeting. Everybody began scheduling meetings left and right, and at the end of the day they would have little time left in which to actually work on their to-do lists. Hence, they had to work with the team to really analyze and be very pragmatic. ‘Which meetings needed to happen? Which didn’t? Is a specific meeting really necessary? Which meetings should be recurring? What can be done over Slack?’ This guideline had to be given to the team to help, and it improved things a lot. The number of meetings decreased a lot and they got more effective. For example, by making sure to set an agenda for meetings beforehand, and by having meeting notes (then a dev who didn’t really need to be at a meeting could skip attending and just quickly review the notes output after instead). They also decreased the standard length of meeting times from the default Outlook blocks of 1 hour and 30 mins to 55 mins and 25 mins respectively. This 5 minute change gave devs time for things like bio breaks (also 4 hours in a row at a computer in a home office with one meeting after another just isn’t good for a person).

“Adapting p-cap and mocap”.

On content:

From a content point of view, the most difficult thing in terms of the pandemic was adapting p-cap and mocap (performance capture and motion capture). They hire actors and it’s a large studio. The pandemic meant big limits to what they could and couldn’t do. The actors had to be masked and 5 meters apart in distance (although it doesn’t look like it in some of these shots due to angles). Also there could be no other person around in the studio - only the actors. The directors instead would ‘patch’ in remotely on big screens (you can see this in the second photo in the top right). 

Before the pandemic, they felt that they wouldn’t be able to do p-cap or mocap properly remotely, as the directors would usually stand right next to actors giving guidance on their performance. The techs would also usually be near. But they adapted! The keyword is adapting, changing process. It’s harder and it’s different, but it is possible, and people start rethinking what is possible. What was said to be impossible before now is possible.

P-cap differs to mocap in that it also captures voice and facial expressions.

On the future of work after covid:

There will probably be more working from home and more flexibility for workers e.g. being able to work say 3 out of 5 days from home. It does depend on what a dev’s specific job is however. For example, the audio engineers require lots of specialist equipment and said equipment is of higher quality and quantity in the office. So, depending on role, devs might be working more often or less often from home.

Another development is that lots of devs are moving house. In lockdown etc people started reassessing what’s most important in life. Some are moving further away from the studio to get a cheaper rent or for example couples who both needed an office space to work from home from but their current place only had one area. Others are moving closer to nature for a better quality of life, and still others have other different reasons for doing so. Over 10 devs that he knows in fact have recently moved, including Scylla himself.

The pandemic changed certain skills being used by people on a daily basis. Scylla used as an example of this one of his soft skills, being able to tell from looking/interacting in-person with someone if they are stressed out. Obviously it’s less easy to tell if someone is stressed out when you’re remote, so you adapt different ways of checking in with people in the new situation. To continue carrying out his role as Lead Producer, he began checking in with his team pro-actively on the new comms channels and asking how they were doing.

Also, now that companies are more open to working remotely, there is going to be increased competition for hiring devs. They saw both sides of this coin at BioWare. They were able to hire devs from many places that they couldn’t hire from before e.g. Montreal, Vancouver, the US, as there’s less need for devs to relocate to Edmonton or Austin. This opens up opportunities to hire really intelligent and skilled people that they would not have had access to before.

Question and answer segment:

The pre-production phase has been concluded. They’re in the production phase.

They are not giving out a lot of details yet but Scylla is really excited as a big fan of the whole series. He thinks that with DA4, they will have the opportunity/possibility to launch the best story out of all DA games. He feels that the characters they’re making are amazing. He’s dying to say more but can’t. 

When you work from home you need to keep your team as productive as possible. During the pandemic, when people started working from home, they noticed that some people became more productive and some people became less productive. They were analyzing it on a case-by-case basis so as not to make assumptions. They were interested in seeing what they could do to help. At the beginning of the pandemic, they were looking at the devs as people and seeing what they needed.

Production of DA4 still needed to continue during the pandemic because they want to be able to launch the game.

This slide shows a writer. Writing is an example of a role which is more able to work from home easily.

Their productivity did go down in the first month of the pandemic. After adaptations, some people then became more productive than they were before (this was role and personal situation-dependent, examples of this being artists and coders who were able to art and code at home without being interrupted, thereby being able to produce more). Covid has affected productivity in general, but this is part of our new reality. They have adapted and adjusted some deadlines. They have enough data (Scylla LOVES data) now to understand how long it will take them/how long they’ll need to launch the game. They have always had historical data for this purpose, but they’re doing more of this sort of thing now to ensure that they are doing things at the right time.

Remote hiring opens up the door to more talent joining, so if someone has talent geography will hold them back less. Some companies though may choose not to hire people from other countries due to labor issues, cumbersome legal aspects, time zones. But even in such cases there are activities for example that can be carried out while the rest of the team is asleep such as testing or working on the build, or there are cases where those companies still will want to hire a specifically/highly talented person even in spite of the potential legal aspects and so on.

On mental health: People were affected. There is the mental, physical and social impacts of the pandemic situation on people. EA supported them during the pandemic in terms of their mental wellbeing, there are specific companies (services offered, speaking to a therapist) that they can contact if they need something or help. EA had always been good at supporting them with this sort of thing but this has improved further during the pandemic. Another change was that they could/can take a couple of days off if they needed/need to because of the pandemic e.g. to take care of children, who were obviously not at school at the time. As a producer he had to be very mindful of all of this. How much they were monitoring peoples’ wellbeing really went up during the pandemic.

A question that was asked - in terms of DA4′s storybeats, is there anything in there that they decided to change due to the pandemic as it wouldn’t be sensitive or appropriate to include anymore, for example a plague plotline or something? Scylla’s answer is that DA and ME are games in which they try to have narratives that are relatable, which include things which people will identify with, so that players understand what characters are going through etc. Nothing in DA4′s plotline/storybeats has been changed (in the frame of this question, relating to the pandemic), as it didn’t have anything in it that could be specifically or a directly connected to a pandemic-type situation or anything. Of course the DA story has Blights and the Taint, but these are different & fantastical things and existed long before the pandemic situation. So this wasn’t the case with DA4 and there was no need to change anything, but this has happened to other games where they decided to change a storyline due to a strong correlation with something in the real world.

There were then concluding/closing remarks. The message he wants to send is that a crisis will always spark opportunities. Look at a crisis and try to see how you can grow.

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[☕ found this post interesting or useful? my ko-fi is here if you feel inclined. thank you 🙏]

[classic80sand90smovieloves2]

Meeting and Dating Thackery Binx

(My alright gif)(Requested by anonymous)

(I wasn’t entirely sure how I would work this one out but I think I came up with a pretty cute concept)

- When you first met Thackery, you certainly weren’t thinking of him as a future boyfriend. You’d just moved to Salem, something you; a baby witch, were particularly excited about.

- It was a night like any other, but you’d decided that tonight would be the night that you’d perform your first ritual. So you went down to the Sanderson house late at night, sneaking inside though it wasn’t like anyone really cared what happened to the place.

- Thackery took immediate notice of you, watching from behind a few corners as you walked around and examined the place. He figured you were just a stupid teenager; albeit a very pretty one, and would leave any moment. That was when you settled down on the floor and opened your bag, lighting a few candles before getting all your things situated.

- You closed your eyes, beginning your chant as you held your hands out. The room around you was dead silent as you focused on what you were doing, willing your ritual to work. That was when you nearly had a heart attack as Thackery lunged onto your back.

- You scrambled to stand, gasping for breath and nearly knocking over the flames you’d lit as you searched the area, laughing breathlessly once you saw the black cat a little ways away from you. You cursed at him half heartedly, pressing a hand to your beating heart as you crouched down to his level.

“Are you my familiar? Huh?” You whispered sweetly. He watched you intently but didn’t move, letting you reach out slowly and scratch behind his ears.

- You looked around the room, sighing softly as you leaned over and blew out your candles, gathering your things to leave. So much for tonight being the night.

- Perhaps nothing happened that night but you would try again. You kept returning to the place, sometimes bringing your things, sometimes just bringing food for the cat that was always there. After a while, the mangy feline began to follow you around even outside of the house, always showing up as you went outside or arriving at your window mewling to be let in.

- It was a few weeks after you first encountered the cat that you’d come to realize just who you’d encountered. You’d had a rough day and just wanted to get away for a while, so you’d went back to the Sanderson house, knowing no one else would bother you there. Well, no one but your furry friend.

“So we meet again.” you smiled, watching as the familiar feline stalked towards you and nuzzles into your outstretched hand.

“I should give you a name, shouldn’t I? I can’t just keep calling you kitty. If you’re my familiar then you need a sophisticated name. Are you my familiar? ...Or are you Thackery Binx.” You’d joked, remembering the tale of the boy and the witches.

“So glad you’ve finally realized.” Your mouth nearly dropped to the floor.

- Well now that the secret was out, Thackery explained everything and enlisted your help in trying to turn him back into a human, and potentially to get rid of the Sanderson sisters for good. And so, you began your search for the solution to his century old problem.

- It took a while but you thought that you finallly figured it out, so you brought him into your room, set everything up, and began the process. The candles were lit, the herbs were placed down, the runes were written, and... nothing happened.

- You were dissapointed upon opening your eyes and seeing nothing but the usual black cat sitting before you. But then, the candles blew out and you were plunged into darkness.

- You gasped, looking around wildly as though you’d be able to see anything in the dark. You were just about to get up and turn on the light when all of a sudden, the candles were lit once more. You blinked a couple times as your eyes adjusted to the light ...and there he was.

Okay, so why the fuck is he hot. “Wow. You’re like handsome. I mean you’re a boy and you’re like seventeen. I mean you’re not old, you’re ...you’re you...again.

- The boy smiled, glancing down at his hands and then the rest of his body in awe before he surged forward and wrapped his arms around you, bringing you into a tight hug.

“You’re brilliant, y/n! Absolutely brilliant!”

- Well, time would reveal that you weren’t as brilliant as you or him thought. Yes, technically you did turn him human again, but only in certain places and only while you were alone.

- For instance: your property; where he was turned human again, the Sanderson house; where he was turned into a cat, and the graveyard; where he should have been all this time. Anywhere else and he was just a wittle puddytat.

- But Thackery was more than grateful. He’d been a cat for so long that being human for any length of time felt like a miracle. And now that he was partially human, he felt that he could finally try to do something about his growing feelings for you.

- Over time, the two of you grew closer and your will they, won’t they relationship began. He came so close to confessing to you; more than once, but you were always somehow interrupted or you said something that threw him off.

- Then, after nearly half a year of him falling more and more in love with you everyday; he finally confessed his feelings to you.

- You arrived home one day, only to find a piece of paper folded neatly on your pillow. You opened it and found a long letter detailing everything he loved about you and telling you exactly how he felt. Believe me, you’ll never read anything more romantic in your life.

- Like a rational person who was just told how much their crush likes them in the most beautiful way possible, you ran off to find him. You had a good idea as to where he was hiding out: the Sanderson house.

- Once you got there, you burst through the doors, prompting him to stand up nervously, awaiting your reaction. He was just about to try and say something before you strode over to him and pulled him into a kiss. After he got over the initial shock, he smiled and kissed back, pulling you closer as his hands found your waist.

- Alright, so maybe he’s just an ...indoor boyfriend, but you love him all the same and he loves you with all his heart.

- Pda? He’s a cat in public so it’s a bit hard to do, but you can pet him, hold him in your arms or kiss his fuzzy little head; people will just think he’s your pet.

- Nose kisses. They’re perfect for cat Thackery and normal Thackery, and for you at any given time.

- Soft, gentle kisses.

- Innocent and sweet touches. Sometimes he just touches you for the sake of touching you, there’s no real reason behind it besides the fact that he never wants you forget how nice you feel.

- He was a Puritan so; while he definitely has a bit more modern ideas from living through the years, he most likely has a few prudish beliefs that you may need to pull out of him.

- Like making out: something you had to persuade him into trying but something he is very glad that you showed him.

- Playfully chasing each other in your backyard or around the house. It’s very fun to tease him and then run off as he happily gives chase.

- He likes to pick you up at random; spinning around with you in his arms and swinging you softly.

- He tends to just use your name rather than nicknames or pet names, but when he does use them they’re old fashioned. Things like: dearest, beloved, and darling.

- Cheek kisses.

- Handholding, Hand kisses, playing with your hands, anything having to do with hands just please let him touch your hands like the repressed Puritan that he is.

- He’s touch starved and you can pry that from my cold dead hands. He’s been alone for centuries, there’s no doubt in my mind that he’s forgotten how good it feels to be touched.

- Any kind of cuddling is fine by him, as long as he can wrap his arms tight around you. Most of the time, you wind up laying on top of him, head on his chest with his hands tangling through your hair. He’s very good at putting you to sleep like that.

- Waking up to soft kisses or him jolting awake in a cold sweat, calling your name and squeezing you tightly once he sees that you’re still there.

- Comforting him when he thinks about his sister and the life he had to leave behind.

- Getting to hear stories about the world throughout the years. Ever wondered what it was like in the 1800s? Well he’s lived through them, just ask him.

- He’s completely adamant about taking care of you when you get sick. He rushes over to you the instant you seem slightly under the weather, forcing a hand onto your forehead, and asking you a million questions. He’ll refuse to leave your side until you’re completely well again.

- He cannot stand seeing you cry; it tears him apart every time you get misty eyed. He’d do anything to make you feel better, asking if this or that would help or trying to get to the bottom of what's making you so upset.

- Compliments said in such a sincere and serious tone that they make you flustered and unsure of what to say. So, the best kinds of compliments. 

- Buying him some new and different clothes. 

- Want to give him a bath, you temptress? You want to see him in the nude, you meddling seductress? Hmmm? Perhaps he’ll allow it, just this once. 

- God, do you know how flustered he’d get when you have to get changed in front of him? He’d be trying his best to look away and give you privacy yet fighting the urge to peek at you, red in the face and stiff in his place. 

- He really wishes that he could help you with your homework and things of that nature but …what the fuck is calculus and what monster created it. 

- If you place a hand on his face or rub his shoulders, he’ll close his eyes and literally purr in delight. 

- Playing with his hair. He used to let Emily braid and/or tie it for him so it always gives him this melancholic feeling of joy whenever you do it.

- Can you please feed him something. Please, just give him a sandwich. He’s been eating mice all these years; he deserves some good food.

- Your family is definitely going to wonder why the cat is so attached to you. They’ll probably make jokes every time he hops on (only) your lap or completely walks past them to get to you.

- He’s slightly clingy; there’s only so much time when he can be human and hold you like a real man so he never wants to waste a moment when you’re together.

- Ever just want to be greeted with complete enthusiasm when you get home? As and you shall receive! He’ll lunge at you the instant you get step inside; if you have to leave him at home, or pull you into a kiss the moment the door shuts behind the two of you.   

- He loves when you sit on his lap but in that innocent old fashioned lovers sort of way. He usually pulls you onto his thigh whenever you’re sitting and talking, resting his chin on your shoulder while he listens intently. 

- Most of your dates are going to take place inside your house. You can’t exactly go many places besides your home, unless you want to go on a date with a cat. 

- Dates usually consist of just sitting together and talking, watching movies, reading books; things like that. 

- Candlelit hang outs at the Sanderson house. You’re never disturb and don’t have to worry about your parents or anyone else hearing you talk to him. 

- He’s determined to improve his storytelling skills just because you look so adorable hanging on the edge of your seat while listening to the folktales and old town gossip that he knows. 

- You’re definitely going to be roped into the Halloween adventure. He’ll literally just show up on your doorstep with Max, Dani and Allison, and you’ll just think to yourself “dammit new kid”. 

- Sarcasm and passive aggressive comments. They never actually hurt your feelings but they may make you send him a dirty look.

- You get back at him by calling him an adorable little kitty cat and just overall treating him like a pet. It’s very satisfying to see him get all broody as you ruffle his hair and babytalk him. 

- Having to lay down the law. 

“Thackery, you just killed a mouse like thirty minutes ago. I’m not kissing you.”

- He’s incredibly protective of you. After losing Emily and facing the Sanderson sisters, how couldn’t he be?

- Jealousy? He’s had to watch guys hit on you while being in the form of a cat; unable to deter them or prevent them from even approaching you in the first place. Of course he’s gotten jealous before. He does make sure to get his revenge on/chase people away though, jumping on or swiping at people on more than a few occasions.

- He’s definitely tried to get the scoop on your virginity and ex boyfriends by talking about the candle. Like “well maybe you could light the candle and we can just defeat them. Unless~”

- He can get a bit snappy at times so you’ve certainly had some arguments though he rarely stays mad for very long. Usually, he’ll apologize right after and try to use his words instead of just getting upset with you, like he’ll say snap and then say “I’m sorry but x”. 

- He’s a bit paranoid about not saying he loves you enough so he tries to say it as much as he can. He doesn’t want you to ever think that he doesn’t, especially if something happens to either of you.

- The future is certainly not set in stone but you’re hoping to stay by each other’s sides for a long time. Either way, he promises to always be with you. 

[mysticgoblinwriter]

Driving In A Cold Sweat; There Is No One On This Highway

Warnings- Murder, infidelity, swearing, food imagery, shitty parents, i made Steve the villain who’s in the HOA and a politician, adult content, dark!reader, cheating, a bit of flirting, mental health joke (mental health is NOT a joke, y’all), religion symbolism, dark!steve, peggy x bucky,

Word Count- 1.9k

kudos to @blackberrybucky for being my soundboard, and @fandomsandxfiles for being my beta reader. Love y'all

a/n- This is inspired by Hypothermic by Goodnight Texas.  Its really dark, and I surprised myself writing this but I like it. I also changed the landscape to desert. Leave comments if you want! As many as you like, I fangirl over my work too. All writers should, its selfcare.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING FLUFFY AND SOFT TURN AWAY NOW; MINORS DNI

DO NOT COPY OR REPOST ANYWHERE. A REBLOG IS APPRECIATED. A REPOST IS NOT.

Bucky looks you up and down, taking you in like you are the gods own ambrosia.  “So, doll.  What brings you to this shit hole?”

You laugh to yourself.  “I murdered somebody.”- was the sentence that also inspired this but its not in the actual story.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The radio gave out miles ago.  It was emitting nothing except for crackling and static.  Every now and then it would cut back to a sermon, funnily enough it’d been the same one that was on when you started your trip.  Sunset was a little ways off.  If you looked hard enough you could see coyotes just off the asphalt.  Alive, yes.  But just how long had their souls been gone?  Someone was screaming.

A man.  You’d heard that scream before.  Seared into you memory like that steak you had for your 15th birthday. It was right next to you.  Oozing blood and raw-red.  You could hear the clink of the knife as it scraped against the plate.  Shaking your head to clear it, you notice an exit with a gas station.  “Now’s a time as good as any to stop.”  Gravel crunches as you slide up next to the pump. The neon beer lights from the bar across the road are calling.  But you can’t answer. The gas handle is slick and grimy, you’ve felt something like that before, but you can’t remember what.  A fuzzy noise in the back of your ears gets your attention.  Another truck has pulled in.  Right in the spot next to yours, never mind the dozen others that are free.  A bulky man steps down, his face hidden by a rangers hat.

You could tell he worked out though.  And had hair in need of a washing.  Clunk.  The tank was full.  You thought it best to leave before anyone could place you, but your stomach needed something other than greasy two-bit fast food.  You glance around, looking for any sign that promised a hot meal.

“Looking for something, doll?” You let out a small gasp.  He was staring straight at you now.

“Does this shithole have a place to eat?  I might have to start eating the cactus.”

He lets out a soft laugh, “Yeah, there’s a diner about half mile down the road.”

His face brightens like he just thought of something.  “You wanna meet me there?  I’ll buy dinner?”  You weigh the options.  You can’t have anybody recognize you; but your cash is getting low and however you can stretch it, you must.  You nod once.  “Sure.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The diner is every trope you’d seen in the movies your pops watched when he got off work.  Flies buzzing, neon sign flickering, checkered tile.  It even had the shiny red leather booths.  What a dream.  “Getcha a seat anywhere, honey.  I’ll be right over,” came a perky voice from the back.  Presumably a waitress. You choose the booth near the back exit.  Its always good to have a backup plan.

The man said he needed to get something at the mini-mart, that you could go ahead and he’d catch up.  Somebody screamed right next to you, causing you to jump out of your seat.  You whip your head around.  No one was even in the dining area.  It sounded so real.  Like you could reach out and grasp the shattering inky blackness.  You take a couple of deep breaths.  Try to remember your happy place.  Tahiti, its a magical place.  Or so you’ve been told  You just picked it from a magazine that was open on the coffee table the night your mother set fire to the curtains in the living room.  The flames had licked up the page, burning the island resort into ash.  Boots thudded as they made way to where you were.  He slides in across from you.

“Um, the waitress’ll be right out,” you said softly.  He barely heard it over the rickety air conditioning.  He nods to show he heard.  He’s sitting close.  Closer than you’d thought another human would ever sit next to you again.  His hands are rough and calloused.  The sleeve cuffs of his hoodie are frayed; as if someone clawed at them.  Eyes traveling up his body, you take in more details.  The hoodie isn’t faded, its brand new.  He wears a bracelet of leather on his right hand, with a charm you can’t quite see.  His necklace is corded hemp, plain and understated.

A light stubble that’s maybe three days old covers his jaw.  His eyes... are piercing right through you. You take in a quick breath, not being able to look away.  You’d never seen that shade of blue before.   He’d been watching you watching him.  Quirking an eyebrow, ”See anything ya like, doll?” You start to sputter an answer but the waitress comes over.  “Sorry about the wait.  Here’s your-”  Blue eyes interrupts her, “We don’t need those.  I’ll have the special and she’ll have the ‘Its Impossible To Go Away Hungry’ plate”  “Okay, then.  I’ll get that right out to ya folks.”

You glare at him, he mirrors it with dicky nonchalance. “Why did you order for me?”  He leans forward, tilts his head the right the tiniest fraction.  “You’re starved.  I really don’t give a damn what kept you from eating but I ain’t gonna let you go without giving you a meal.  The steak plate is the biggest meal they have.  You can take a to go box, that is if you don’t eat the whole thing.”

“Oh.”  You cast out a huff, “Well, thank you.”  He flashes a killer smile. Pearly white teeth in a straight line.  Not an imperfection to be found anywhere.  A silence falls between the two of you.  You can’t decide whether its comfortable of not.

“My name is Bucky.  I thought you wouldn’t like eating with a stranger.  I like to doodle in the margins of my books sometimes.”  “Please tell me not library books.”  He scoffs as if you suggested the impossible, “Never.  Do you think I’m crazy?”

“Jury’s out on that, Bucky.”  He looks at you more intently now.  “Really?  Same could be said about you.  When I first spoke to you it was like a deer in headlights.  Ya running from something, sugar?”  He’d said it jokingly but you didn’t laugh.

“No.  Nothing like that.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shirley came back with your plates, and two root beers.  She left the check at the end of the table and Bucky swooped it up.  The meal passed by in the comfortable sounds of silverware clinking and ice clacking in the cups.  You both ate in record time.

You were careful to save enough for a second meal. That went into the to go container.  Now both cups were drained and plates scraped clean.  You start to slide out of your seat, mumbling a thanks but Bucky stops you.  “Wait, won’t you sit here a while longer?  I’d be kinda sad sitting here alone.”  After a moments hesitation, you resume your position.  “What do you wanna talk about?  It can’t be the weather.  Its been dry as bones for weeks.”   He ponders for a moment, “You.”  He shifts a little, resting one ankle on the opposite knee.

“I want to know what you’re running from, and see if I can offer...a distraction.”  That shocks you.  “Life?  Aren’t we all running away in some form or another?  I just happened to take the mobile route.”  You shrug, “What do you want me to say?  It was all shitty so I left it behind.  And as for the distraction part, I got a whore last night, so don’t bother.”  He is silent.  Just sits there and gazes at you.  You cock your head, getting impatient.  “Am I allowed to leave now?  Or do you want to talk about our feelings?”

“I slept with my best friends wife.”

“I-I’m sorry you what??”

“I slept with my best friends wife.  He owns half the town, what with him being mayor and all.  I couldn’t take it anymore, he’s always been the golden boy.  Always been the beacon of light.  I just wanted a slice of what he had.”  He looks up, his eyes are dead.  “She was willing, and I just... took her.  There on his desk.  He’d been out for lunch with some bigwig, and I made her cum twice on my cock.”  He chuckles darkly.  “That’d been the first time.  All the other times don’t matter, he doesn’t know about those.  But he does know about the time in the craft shed.  Peggy did pottery.

Had a nice little workshop, it was connected to the mansion they had.  I wanted to bring her pleasure in the place where she gets frustrated often, so she’d have something else to think about.  Steve caught us on the floor.  A big bunch of daffodils in hand.  Stupid, those weren’t even her favorites.”  He was gone now, lost in memories, not even knowing he was talking.  “Said he had come by to take her to lunch.  That was always like Steve.  Expected her to clear her schedule at the drop of a hat but never doing the same for anybody. He didn’t even get mad.  He just walked away, muttering something about his office.

Peggy said she could talk some sense into him.  The next day I found her in the garbage when I took out my trash.”  Your sharp inhale and big eyes do nothing to catch his attention.  “Steve comes strolling out of nowhere, said that she was a threat to his image.  Said that I need to leave or face the same.  I asked why he left me alive and he said ‘So you can remember the pain until you lay down in the ground and the mice and carrion drag your body up from its silk cocoon to feast.”

But that’s not all.”  He said the last bit so quietly, it was as if he said nothing.

“What?”  He’s crying now, tears are forming rivers in his eyes.  “She knew.  She knew  he was going to be there and that’s how she wanted to go out.”  Your puzzled expression makes him laugh.  “Don’t know many politicians, do you?  Good.  Keep it that way.  That day when the mail came I got a letter.  From her.  It said how she wanted to divorce Steve ever since he became the HOA president.  But she couldn’t.  He had threatened her once, just once and what he said was so blisteringly awful.  And he did it.  He is a man of his word, after all.  He kept his damn word.”

“So...she used you as an out?”  He winces.  You hadn’t meant to sound like that.

“Yes.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Out in the diners parking lot you say goodbye to James.  Wait.  No, no.  His name is Bucky.  He’s got a green  Chevy and blue eyes.  Or was it red?  It doesn’t matter anyway.  You back out and head for the next state, ignoring the blood leaking from the tarp in your trunk.  The screams have stopped.  And the moon is bright.

[apiratewhopines]

Thanks to @teamhook for the artwork and for helping me pick a movie that wasn’t already done!

Midnight

Chapter 6 — The Mice

Summary: In which our heroine wins the battle but loses the war

Chapter 6 of 7 on AO3

“The way you changed my life

No, no, they can’t take that away from me”

-They Can’t Take That Away from Me, Fred Astaire

After the excitement of the morning passed, Sidney grumbled until they returned to the table. Still shaken by whatever Arthur said on their brief phone call, Killian declined to join them and returned to their room. No doubt to dream up a make-believe pregnancy for her. Most probably twins this time.

“I thought you told me we would have smoked salmon for our bagels,” the man complained to Guin, face upset as if the plentiful choices offered on their breakfast buffet were insufficient.

“I’m sorry, dear. I know it’s your favorite, so I made sure it was on the menu I gave to our chef,” she murmured coaxingly. Looking at the butler who was filling Arthur’s coffee cup, she asked, “What happened to the salmon?”

“There was a mistake, ma’am. It was left out of the last delivery, and since the phones have been out all morning, we couldn’t contact the market. I’ve sent one of the girls into town to buy some, so we will have it tomorrow morning. If the gentleman prefers, we can prepare a plate for him this afternoon.”

“Nonsense,” she replied. “The phones are in perfect working order. We just made a call to Europe to check on the Baron’s daughter.”

“No, ma’am, only the internal phone system is working. An accident took out the lines last night.”

Emma reached over and grabbed Arthur’s hand under the table as they shared an uneasy look when the other three people at the table all glanced at her with questions in their eyes. Lance broke the silence. “I don’t understand…”

“I’m afraid he’s right. I wasn’t on the phone with my mother-in-law. In fact, I don’t— No, I don’t want to burden you with my problems,” she said haltingly, her mind racing with ways to get out of this mess. The words tumbled from her mouth so quickly she didn’t have a chance to think through the consequences, which seemed to be the way she operated these days.

“Oh, please, you can’t stop now. This little mystery is the only thing distracting me from my lack of fish,” Sidney countered. He was studying the wide variety of fruit compotes and toppings for his pancakes and sounded desolate. “Please.”

“Well, let’s just say the Baron’s family has a touch of eccentricity,” she continued with a grimace. She had their rapt attention; even Sidney abandoned his food and gawked at her. “My first hint was at the wedding. I was opening the gifts, and his grandfather gave us a broken compass covered in Thousand Island dressing.”

“Yes,” Arthur broke in, determined to help. “Now I remember hearing there was a streak of madness in the family. His father was known as the Mad Baron of Cambridge. He liked to give people roller skates with missing laces instead of flowers.”

“The truth is…we don’t have a daughter.”

“Oh, this is much more delicious than breakfast,” Sidney gushed, pushing his plate away and moving to the seat across from her. “Tell us more.”

“I don’t want you to think bad of him. Most of the time, he’s lucid and the sweetest man in the world. That’s the man I fell in love with. But when he’s having one of his episodes, like this morning, he can get quite aggressive if confronted. It’s best to go along with whatever he’s saying. It always starts when he first wakes as if he can’t shake some odd dream in his mind,” she grabbed her napkin and dabbed at fake tears. “There was one time about six months ago he woke up convinced he was Captain Hook. He wore eyeliner for weeks and refused to use his left hand. When I tried to make him see reason, he insisted I call him Captain and tried to have me arrested as a mutineer.”

“You poor thing,” Guin said, genuine sympathy in her expression. “I wondered why you called him that. I thought perhaps he served in the Navy.”

“And you’ve stayed with him all these years?” Lance’s gaze, which was always admiring, held a new respect for her now. It didn’t make her feel any better. “You’re wonderful.”

“Hmm, yes, absolutely amazing,” Arthur murmured under his breath. The smirk was back, and she could tell he was enjoying her web of lies. At least someone was. “Is there some medication he can take? Perhaps you should have him committed.”

“No, I would never. I promised to stay with Killian in good times and bad. It will pass eventually. It always does,” she bit out, kicking him under the table. Before anything else could be said, she heard the Captain whistling as he practically skipped out of the house toward them dressed in the sky blue scrubs of a surgeon. The color made his eyes even more beautiful, and the tiniest smattering of hair visible above the v-neck of the shirt did things to her heart.

“Arthur, Guinevere, thank you for the hospitality, but we really must be going. I have to get back for my shift at the hospital.” Everyone jumped at the pronouncement, exchanging loaded glances and trying to figure out what to say or do next.

Guin smiled at him shakily and in a calm voice asked, “The hospital, Baron?”

“Not a baron, I’m afraid. And this woman isn’t a baroness. You notice I didn’t say my wife because she isn’t that either,” Killian informed them as he stopped by her chair and reached down to place a hand on her shoulder.

“Killian, you don’t mean that,” Emma responded. She would have laughed at his look of confusion at the lack of reaction to his revelation if she wasn’t so sure it would come back to bite her in the ass.

With an admonishing look, Lance said, “See here, Baron, there’s no need to insult the woman who has stayed by you through thick and thin.”

“Thick and thin? We met five nights ago, and she couldn’t wait to be rid of me. She’s an imposter. And I’m a doctor who has real things to do in the real world. Come on, Swan, let’s leave these lovely people to their breakfast.”

“Oh, I get it. You think she’s Elizabeth Swan from Pirates of the Caribbean.” Sidney snapped his fingers as if all the pieces had fallen into place.

“What? No, I think she’s a bounty hunter and the most impossible woman I’ve ever met,” Killian argued, determined to make them see the truth. The more he spoke, the more their faces cleared of all emotion like they were afraid a smile or frown would push him further into his delusions. He pulled her from the chair gently, and since she felt like pond scum for the lies she told, she let his arms circle her waist. As an added benefit she didn’t deserve, the position allowed her nose to be tickled by the chest hair so temptingly on display.

“Maybe she’s a mutineer,” Arthur offered.

Looking at the group, Killian shook his head in disbelief. “I think you’re all crazy.”

“Yes, that must be it,” Guin said soothingly. “Why don’t you have some breakfast, Baron?”

“I’m not sure how I can be more clear. I’m not a baron. We’re not married. We met in the middle of the road a few nights ago, and I pretended to be her Uber driver so I could give her a ride to a strip club. It turned into the best night of my life.”

Undeterred, Guin patted his arm, which was still wrapped tightly around her. “What a lovely courtship you’ve had. Now, let’s get you something to eat. Do you prefer coffee or tea to drink?”

“Are you not listening to a word I’m saying? We’re fakes! We haven’t known each other for more than a week. She twisted me around her little finger in two minutes. As infuriating as she is, I fell in love with her smile. The sound of her laugh makes my blood pump faster, and when she talks about not believing in love, it makes me want to prove to her that it exists every day for the rest of our lives.”

She was fading, her will to stick it out with Arthur and give him a happy ending melting in the heat of Killian’s honeyed words. His genuine concern at how nonchalantly they were accepting his confession should have been funny, but all she could think about was how he said ‘the rest of our lives.’

Like he meant it.

“Well, fakes or not, I’m still hungry,” Sidney answered, trying his best in the face of impossible odds. “Maybe your patients could wait a few hours until the salmon arrives. It’s quite good.”

“Bloody hell, this is a madhouse. Come on, Emma, enough is enough. Let’s go,” he urged her again. Taking the napkin from her hand, he threw it on the table and switched his grip to gently hold her upper arm and guide her away from the group.

They were immediately halted by Lance, thunder in his expression and lightning in his eyes. “She’s not going anywhere with you, Baron. We know all about your illness. She won’t be safe.”

“My illness?” Understanding dawned on his face and his head tilted back like he was searching the morning sky for answers. With a wry chuckle, he sighed. “Bravo, Swan. You told them I’m crazy. And I played right into it, didn’t I? Because I’ve been acting crazy, a man driven out of his mind at the sight of his most cherished dream waltzing away from him like he was nothing. Like everything he felt was nothing as far as she was concerned.”

She choked up at the bitter twist of his mouth. He was so brave, declaring his feelings in front of everyone, even convinced she would reject him again. Was it any wonder she had fallen head over heels for him?

And what did she do? She lied. She tricked. She ran. Then she rinsed and repeated.

“Captain,” she whispered, her hand moving to cradle his face when a sickening crack was heard and he crumpled at her feet.

Behind him, looking proud of himself, Sidney was still holding a pan aloft like he thought Killian might jump to his feet and demand a second round. Fear flooded her and she dropped to her knees to cradle his head in her lap. Helplessness, her hands fluttered over his body, her mind trying to sort out the impossible situation that was entirely her fault. “Why the hell did you do that?”

“He looked homicidal.”

Shaking him gently, she begged, “Killian…Killian, come back to me. Don’t leave me here alone.”

“You aren’t alone, sweetheart,” Lance promised, trying to move her away.

She swatted at his hands and refused to leave. The movement caused Killian’s head to lull to the side, and she saw a smear of red dripping from his hairline. “Someone call 911. He’s bleeding!”

Sidney glanced down at them with a mildly alarmed look and then at the weapon he still held. He ran his finger across the bottom and, with some relief, announced, “That’s not blood. It’s raspberry compote.”

—

Arthur’s personal physician made a house call to attend to the victim. Of course, the woman knew Killian Jones, MD, who was apparently the Director of Pediatric Oncology at Storybrooke General and one of the foremost experts in his field.

He was a saint in addition to being her Captain.

He deserved so much more than a lost girl who was too scared to know a good thing when it stopped on the side of the road to save her.

“This couldn’t have worked out better, my dear,” Arthur commented with an eyebrow wiggle. “Lance is beside himself. He just announced he plans to hire a divorce attorney this very afternoon. Run along. I’ll make sure the good doctor makes it back to town safely. I’ll even throw a couple thousand his way for his performance.”

“Shut up, Arthur. This is terrible. An innocent man got hurt, and it’s all our fault. My fault,” she corrected with a whisper, running her hand softly through Killian’s hair. He regained consciousness as the doctor checked him out but fell asleep while she assured them no permanent damage was done. Replacing the ice pack against the goose egg forming on the side of his head, she silently pleaded with him to wake up so she could grovel properly and beg for forgiveness.

“He seems quite taken with you.”

“Maybe he’s crazy after all,” she joked, but her heart wasn’t really in it. She doubted she would find anything funny until she saw his electric blue eyes again. “Can you leave us alone? I want to be able to explain when he comes to.”

“Of course, just call if you need anything.” He gave her a probing stare as if trying to decide whether to say something else before he left.

When she heard the door click shut, she leaned over and brushed a soft kiss across his lips. “I’m sorry. For running. For lying. For putting you in a situation where you got knocked out. I know that’s not nearly enough, but I am.”

“It’s a start,” he groaned as her hushed tone drew him from sleep, one hand moving to cover hers where it held the ice to his head and the other reaching out to play with the ends of her hair. “What happened?”

“I happened. This is why we don’t work, Captain. I’ve brought you nothing but pain and suffering since the moment we met.”

“I didn’t figure you for the melodramatic type, Swan. We had some good times before this farce began,” he reminded her as he shifted into more of a sitting position. “Are you ready to admit there’s something between us, or do I need to jump back into the fray and take a punch bowl to the face?”

“I never denied there was something between us, just that it was a good idea. I believe a raspberry-flavored concussion proves my point perfectly.”

His hand drifted to her cheek, calloused fingers glancing over soft skin. She wanted to look away from his intense gaze, but he tenderly grabbed her chin and held her in place. “Love, come away with me. It doesn’t have to be forever; we can sort that part out later. I’m simply asking for your company now, to give us a chance before you decide against it.”

“I want to, Captain. I want the carrot and everything else behind Door Number One,” she murmured with a watery chuckle. His gentle caresses grew hotter and more insistent. Finally he pulled her to him, her body half-covering his, as he claimed her mouth in the kind of scorching kiss that would burn through her memory forever.

She had nothing to offer him, and she had a long way to go before she would be worthy of this kind of love. Unconditional. All-encompassing. The kind she didn’t even know existed until he rescued her.

“I sense a but coming…”

“But—“

With a sad smile, he interrupted her. “On second thought, don’t. Please. I can’t bear to hear you say the words. To watch you run one more time. Let’s call it a day now so we can remember it fondly in the years to come.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Not as sorry as I am.” He tapped her nose lightly with his fingertip, observing the tears in her eyes as she fought to keep them from falling. Giving her a bittersweet grimace, he added, “Just promise you’ll take care of yourself, Swan. No more skipping meals. No more pretending to be anyone other than the amazing woman you are.”

The tears that were a threat until then slipped past her defenses, leaving trails down her face. He swiped at them and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

Then he was gone.

Arthur found her later in the exact same place, not having the energy to move. He slipped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her into a hug. “This is the last time you’ll ever have to live this day, my dear.”

She knew he was trying to make her feel better, but the knowledge he was wrong caused her to feel light-headed as she turned into his embrace. She would never have to say goodbye to Killian again, but she knew she would relive it over and over until the day she died.

—

He approached her on the shoreline as she watched the blue waters of the Atlantic crash against the rocky beach forming one side of Arthur’s estate. Heat lightning flashed in the distance; the far-off storm robbed of its noise and violence when viewed from the calm of land. Emma knew it was only a matter of time until he sought her out. He was a smart man, a gambler and a rogue, so why not press his advantage?

“You disappeared on me after the baron left.” Lance never referred to him as her husband, always ‘the baron.’ She wasn’t sure if it was his way of skirting the immorality of his pursuit or simply to rob the other man of any claim on her, but it was starting to piss her off. Which was silly considering he wasn’t really her husband. Or a baron.

“He told me he was filing for divorce on his way out. That he hoped you found happiness but had come to realize it wasn’t going to be with him.”

She had yet to look at Lance, but she felt her heart break a little at the scene he painted. It was just like the Captain to try to help her all the way to the bitter end. She supposed he simply couldn’t stop himself. Breathing in the warm salty air, she wanted to let it fill her lungs and sweep out the misery that had taken hold in the core of her.

She was an idiot. She had let someone who had never loved her, never really even cared about her, twist her into someone who would do the same thing to a man who was perfect in every way. If she hadn’t already sworn to get even with Neal Cassidy, this would have driven her to it.

She was damaged now, unfit for human company, clinging to a sham because it was easier than facing the fact she made the biggest mistake of her life. Only this time, there was no boogeyman in the form of a cheating, lying ex to blame. She did this to herself.

But she didn’t have to double down on it.

With a deep sigh, Lance dropped on the sand next to her. He was more casual than she had ever seen him, and somehow it made him more approachable. Barefoot and with his pants legs were rolled up to mid-calf in a nod to the tide, he observed, “He was wrong, wasn’t he? You still love him.”

“Yes,” she admitted, staring at the horizon.

“And you aren’t a baroness…”

“No,” she confirmed, this time chancing a sidelong glance at him. “Everything he said was true. I’ve been here under false pretenses.”

“To come between Guin and me. It has the smell of an Arthur scheme all over it,” he explained with a wry grin. “Well, I can’t say I didn’t deserve it. I never intended for it to go this far, but once it started, we kept getting deeper and deeper until I couldn’t see a way out. And then I didn’t want to. I love her, I probably always will, but she’s not mine. You helped me realize that. A gorgeous wake-up call designed to turn my head and steal my heart. Losing you is my penance. One I can’t regret because I have a feeling you saved several lives by playing along.”

“You’ll be back in the saddle again soon, I’m sure, and the women of the world will be better for it. Do yourself a favor next time, though. Choose an available woman, and once you find her, don’t let her go. Don’t make the same mistake I did.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“Pick up where I left off, I suppose. I have some debts that still need to be paid and a fugitive to bring to justice. Maybe if I keep busy enough, keep moving, this will all fade and seem like some fever-induced dream.”

“I meant, what are you going to do about Jones?”

“I think I’ve done enough already. The best thing I can do for Killian now is to stay away.”

“For someone so smart about other people, you have a rather glaring blind spot when it comes to your own life. A mistake is only a mistake if you keep making it. You know where to find him, you know he wants you to, the only thing stopping you is fear.”

“Fear is enough, Lance.”

“You know what fear has gotten me: Absolutely nothing. I was afraid to put myself out there, so I only got involved with women who I knew would leave me before the whole thing even started. It’s hard to mourn the loss of a relationship that never stood a chance to begin with. It cost me my best friend and two women I care about. You’re better than that, Emma, and doesn’t he deserve the best version of you? But more importantly, don’t you?”

@teamhook @kmomof4 @jrob64 @stahlop @motherkatereloyshipper @xarandomdreamx @xsajx @klynn-stormz

[rafeyybabyy]

I found myself while loving you

Summary: Draco Malfoy, Slytherin King, one of the meanest boys at Hogwarts finds he might not be who thinks he is after all 

Pairing: Draco X Hufflepuff reader

Word Count: 2153

A/N: Helllooo loves!! So this is my first time EVER writing a fic so please go easy on me. Im so nervous to post this, but I want to start writing and I have to start somewhere! and see if I’m even good at it!! Honestly I don’t know if any of my followers read HP fandom fics but if you do please check this out, tell me what you think! AHHH anyways I hope you like it

Growing up we typically believe our parents can do no wrong. We hold them above everything and everyone. We learn to turn a blind eye to the wrong they sometimes do, even go as far as justifying it. 

This is exactly what Draco did when it came to his father. Mr. Malfoy could do no wrong in the eyes of his little boy, even though all he did was wrong. 

The only thing Draco wanted to do in life was to make his father proud, to be the spitting image of the man. He spoke like him, walked like him, held his head as high as he did. This didn't go unnoticed by his father, but this was not a “proud dad moment” type of situation. Lucious Malfoy took this as an opportunity to shape Draco into everything he wanted him to be, for his own personal gain.  

Draco being in one of the most infamous death eater families meant a dark light was shed on him. Welcoming this with open arms Draco became the meanest student at Hogwarts, from the very moment he stepped onto the train the first day of first year. 

Going into his fifth year, nothing has changed. 

-

Draco sat with his gang of Slytherins in the Great Hall, back pressed to the table, his long legs crossed at the ankles stretched out in front of him, waiting for the newest first years to enter and get sorted into their houses. He threw his head back in laughter at a joke Blaise made. As his head was falling back into place, the smile on his face disappeared and his eyes widening. ‘That couldn't possibly be Y/N Y/L/N�� absolutely couldn't be.’ He thought to himself as you walked into the room. You had not looked as you did last year. You had not been ugly by any means, just you, nothing special. You matured quite a lot over the short summer break, turning into a very beautiful young woman. 

And he had definitely noticed. 

He couldn't take his eyes off of you. In his shock, he leaned over and roughly shook Blaise by his shoulder, “Is that Y/N?” 

“What? Merlin it is, she sure did change this summer.” Blaise said adding a whistle. 

You were the true definition of a Hufflepuff, hard-working, patient, loyal, and one of the sweetest girls you would ever meet. Your Y/E/C eyes constantly shine with happiness, sending sweet smiles to everyone who walked by, no matter the scowls or disgusted looks they gave. 

You made your way past the Slytherin table, eyes falling on Draco and sending him a small grin, tucking your hair behind your ear in nervousness. He had never looked at you like that before. Only taking notice of you when he was giving you an odd scowl as you walked past him and his friends in the hallway during previous years with a smile permanently etched on your face. You on the other hand had always taken notice of the Slytherin King. It was quite an odd thing, the sweetest Hufflepuff finding herself swooning over the meanest boy in their year. But you couldn't help it, you were simply intrigued by him. Wondering what made him the way he was. Wondering what had to have happened to make him so cold to others.  And also wondering what kind of things made him smile, and how you wished you could do those things, wished you could make him smile. You sort of felt like a creep, due to the fact that you had never even really spoken to each other outside of being partnered with each other for a Transfiguration project last year. But you couldn't help the butterflies you felt whenever you saw him.

Something inside Draco changed that very moment. For the past two years he had noticed you, not a lot, but just enough to wonder about you from time to time. It was like he was seeing you for the very first time and he needed to know you, to know everything about you. 

Throughout the entire sorting ceremony he couldn't keep his eyes off of you, where he was seated he had a perfect view of your side profile. He took notice in the way your eyelashes curled up, the soft freckles that dusted over our nose and cheeks, the way your head was slightly tilted as you watched the students with interest as they were sorted. 

Simply breathtaking he thought. 

As the first few weeks passed, things did not change. Draco spent every chance he got looking at you, trying to come up with an excuse to speak with you. Once again you had Transfigurations together. “Today you will be working in pairs to vanish a group of mice.” instructed Professor Mcgonnagal, “You may choose who you partner up with, begin.” 

Before he even realized what he was doing Draco had jumped up from his chair and was standing over your desk saying “Would you like to be my partner?” 

He was sure he shared the same shocked expression on your face. Cheeks turning a light pink you agreed. 

Neither of you spoke much during the class, stealing quick glances at one another more than words. After successfully vanishing all of your mice in record time, you turned to him, “Well I can see you have very much improved since last year” a small teasing smirk playing on your lips. 

“I'd like to think so,” he said shyly. This had to have been a mistake you thought, Draco Malfoy shy? Around you? No way, not possible. 

As the thoughts were running through your head you heard him speak again, “Would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend? It's the first trip of the year.” 

It seemed you forgot how to speak, your mouth opened and then closed, your mind suddenly completely blank. 

“Nevermind, that was stupid, why would someone like you want to..” 

“I'd love to go with you” you practically yelled as you realized he was spiraling, probably thinking you would want to do anything but spend time with him. 

And then there it was, the smile that you rarely got to see, and you felt like your heart could burst. The bell rang and he stood up, “I'll meet you in front of the Great Hall after breakfast Saturday then,” he said, a smile still in full view. All you could do was nood, an expression of utter disbelief on your face. 

The rest of the week flew by and next thing you knew you were walking out of the doors of Hogwarts with Draco by your side. The two of you spent the day walking around the shops, and stopping for a Butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks. You were surprised by how easy it was to talk to him. As much as you didn’t want to, you had always thought he had to be just as everyone said he was, mean. But you were completely wrong. As you got to know him more and more during your short time, you had a feeling there was a lot more to the boy. 

-

As the months past your time spent with Draco increased. Meeting in the corridors before and after classes, sneaking you to the Slytherin table during meals, and sneaking you into his dorm for late night cuddles every so often.

This was completely out of character for you by others standards but with him you had never felt more yourself. 

And Draco was feeling the exact same way. Slowly but surely his bad guy persona was fading, and people were starting to take notice. Word was getting around that he was becoming a different person. But he did not care anymore. 

“He has to be faking it, he has always been the nastiest boy to walk these halls.” 

“If his family could see him now they would not even recognize him..”

There was no way for him to not hear these things being said about him as he walked from class to class with you on his arm. And one day it finally hit him. They were right, he was not the same boy he had been the previous years, and he had you to thank for that. He realized now that this was him, this is how he was meant to be. 

He had spent his whole life before this trying to live up to his fathers attitude and beliefs that he had become something he wasn't. But he was done, he was done trying to please him, constantly miserable from never seeming to be able to. He was himself now.

-

Word about the way Draco changed so drastically had finally gotten to his father. And it could not have happened at a worse time. This Hogsmead trip he had asked his mother and father to meet him, wanting to introduce you to them. Surprisingly he was not at all nervous, just excited to finally have you meet his family, thinking they would love you just like everyone else did. 

The two of you sat in Madam Puddifoot’s Tea Shop waiting for them to arrive. The door opened and Draco shot straight up, straightening his shirt and hair as his parents walked in. “Father, Mother, it's good to see you. You both look well.” he said. “As do you,” his father said simply. His mother sent him a small smile, from her position behind her husband. Sitting down Mr. Malfoy wasted no time speaking of the rumors he had been hearing about his son. “It has come to my attention that you have changed Draco, and not in a way I would categorize as acceptable.” “You've lost your mind if you think I am going to let you lose yourself,” he sent you a nasty side eyed look, “because of a silly girl.”

You felt Draco tense beside you and instinctively interlaced your fingers with his to try to calm him down. This did not faze you , you know the reputation his father had and did not fool yourself with the thought of him being overjoyed at his son's new attitude. 

Draco spoke as calmly as he could “The way I have been acting is certainly because of Y/N, in the sense that she has made me realize I do not want to be like my miserable father anymore.” He no longer cared if this was supposed to be a happy meeting, introducing his girl to his parents, no this was it, this was where he was going to break free of the hold his father had on him. This was where he was getting the stain of his family's name off of him. 

This seemed to shake his father to the core, realization hit him that he did not have control over his boy anymore, and he was now his own person. His mothers head was tilted down but Y/N could see the small smile on her face. She knew what Dracocould be, and she was proud he was becoming his own person. 

Without saying another word his father got up and stormed out of the shop, his mother throwing him a proud smile as she ran after his father. 

“Draco I’m so sorry, I never meant for this to happen,” You said sadly. 

Without saying anything he stood you up and pulled you into a kiss, breaking away to say “Let's get out of here,” with a smile on his face. 

You sat by the fire in the Slytherin common room late that night wrapped up in Draco’s arms. He was still reeling from the day's events, he had never felt more happy with himself. “I can't remember the last time I felt this good...” he spoke so softly you almost didn't hear him. You turned to look at him, waiting for him to continue. “I've spent as long as I can remember tied up in the idea that I needed to be just like my father to make him love me, but I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be who I am with you all the time, with everyone. It's much easier than being miserable all the time.” 

 You took his face in hands, your thumbs stroking his jawline, “I always knew there was more under that hard exterior, I'm happy I was able to help you let it out.” 

He dropped his forehead against yours, breathing deep, his lips landed on yours in the sweetest but most passionate kiss you had shared. It took your breath away and you were slightly panting as you broke apart. 

“The only love I ever wanted was from my father. But now, the only love I want is yours. An… and i love you more than i can tell you.” 

“And I love you just as much.”

[teacherintransition]

Now? I’m Not Ready for This!

You can choose change, but internal change?

Baby, your mind does its own thing!

The best laid plans of mice and men …finish with cliche of your own choosing. Did you say, “work out fine if carefully planned out?” BUZZ! Not it. Did you say, “often ends in disaster?” Partial credit. Did you say, “have a life of their own?” SPOT ON! Even if the plans work out masterfully, it’s often the happenstance of luck when that happens. By all means, plan carefully, dot your “i’s” and cross your “t’s;” but hold on, it could be a bumpy ride. A new life with new directions apply their own consequences and results without checking with you first.

Endured and survived the pandemic? Yes, but truly lucky on that account. (Knock on wood) Full pension earned and retired? Yes, thank the Lloyd for working in one of the few careers that still offer pensions. Our world held together. My wife resigns from a job she held for thirty three years to travel nurse? Let’s be like Nike and “just do it!” All this wild and crazy guys stuff has worked out well for us, (knock on wood) but what do you do when the change comes from within and you didn’t see it coming? Blindsided. Kim’s third gig ends in early May and we head back to Nac until we leave for Italy in June. When we return in July, she will be on the lookout for gig #4.

Edit Image

You’re thinking, “ohhh,I get it; you’re tired of being away from your home!” Well …not really. In fact, the idea of spending an extended time at Tha Haem an Abode o Tha Rich Fowk isn’t too appealing. We like being in new places, we love our home too; but our time frame isn’t set for this disaffection so early. We have another year or two left traveling before we turn out the lights in Nacogdoches …our home since 1988. This happened gradually. When in Alexandria, we went home every other week. Three weeks overseas, then to Granbury until November. We went home ever four weeks or so while there. Since being in Round Rock, we’ve been home once. I was feeling restless the time we were home from November to January. What is going on here?

Didn’t expect this. I mean it’s kind of a good thing, my heart still has a spirit of adventure and all; but it’s also problematic. We don’t want to feel unhappy every three months, but I, more than the wife, have to maintain focus. What’s the risk? Whats the worry with all of the big changes we’ve made since August of 2020? We didn’t instigate this state of mind and patience is necessary. This is certainly true logistically, but we have to plan carefully. We both know that living out our lives in East Texas is not an option. Our boys are all over the state so nothing is tying us to the Piney woods. This situation presents us and possibly anyone making big life changes with areas of concern. Be patient, slow down, consider all options avoid being impulsive.

I was talking with a friend about this cautious course of action, and I had my own words thrown back at me …it’s ok, it didn’t hurt. My friend said, “aren’t you the live in the moment, throw caution to the wind fellow?” Who me? Yeah, I know it’s me. I’m so glad I’m not alone and have a partner to plan life with and there ya go. I’m not in this alone and we’ve pretty much been on the same page through all of this and that’s the way I’ll keep it. (Knock on wood) Yes, spontaneity is marvelous, but know as close as possible where you’ll land. No man is an island, I’ve got to consider everyone. I’ll advise that to my hearty readers as well. Our family has been so supportive of us, and Kim and I have supported each other’s choices. We haven’t messed up …yet! (Knock on wood) Robert DeNiro’s character in Heat lived by the philosophy, “don’t get attached to anything you aren’t willing to walk out on in thirty seconds if you feel the heat coming around the corner.”* That’s pretty extreme; the life we built and lived deserves more respect and attention. Stick to the schedule, don’t jump the gun, discuss with loved ones, be thankful and considerate of your loved ones and have confidence in your partnership. It’ll be ok.

I’m lucky to have really good friends back in Nacogdoches and I’m lucky to have made new friends on the road. We will work things out together… atta girl.

*Mann, Micheal; Heat; Warner Bros. Studios; 1995

[necr0bvnny]

Nuclear Fusion - Chapter 1

Pairing: Otto Octavius/Doctor Octopus x Original Female Character

Genres: Action, Romance, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, From Nobody to Nightmare, Mad Scientist(s)

Content/Warnings: Fluff, First Meetings

Summary:

Dr. Kali Kavanah, a timid woman with a genius intellect, works as the head biochemist at Oscorp Industries. Her sheltered life changes when Norman Osborn assigns her to create a special formula for him with the help of Dr. Otto Octavius. What follows is a rollercoaster of romance, betrayal, and their descent into villainy.

A/N: Hi there!! This series will basically be both a Doc Ock x OC fic and the origin story for my Spider-Man villain OC! I’ll be making art for some of the chapters (plus art for my Spider-verse in general) and adding content warnings to certain ones because I do plan for this story to get graphic at times. I hope you all enjoy!! 😊💚

Link to AO3 post

————

“Do I feel happy in life? Um.. Let’s see. Well, I do hope I’m finding happiness. For me, if I can realise certain things in my work, I come the closest to being happy and I can say that also about my life. It only happens in moments, sometimes when I'm working and I’ll be able to fulfill a project successfully and then I think I'm the happiest. While I find it very stimulating to keep studying and working, I'm not just generally happy. If I'm generally anything I'd say I’m generally miserable, hehe!”

The white mice stared up curiously at Kali as she spoke to them in a tranquil tone. Of course, they said nothing back. She liked to pretend that they did though.

“.... I don't know.” She sighed.

Kali tended to work with animals more than people now ever since being promoted to head scientist. This was both a blessing and a curse however. She loved the animals dearly and valued them as lab partners, but nothing could beat real human interaction. While she was forever grateful to be given her position after years of hard work, she wished her boss would be a little more kind. Just because she has the brain power to complete every project he throws at her doesn't mean she should be doing it all alone. But she guessed this was his way of keeping her on her toes.

She lifted one of the mice up to her shoulder and rewarded it with a small piece of an apple that she had been eating, then made sure to give the others in the glass terrarium a few slices to share as well. Nobody went hungry in Dr. Kavanah's lab.

With her test subjects fed, she picked up the cage and walked to return them with the other animals. Within a few minutes Kali was back at her lab.

Upon entering, she was surprised to see her boss standing in the middle of the room waiting for her to return. Norman Osborn, CEO of Oscorp. Wearing a dark green suit so clean that it looked as though it was bought that morning, he stood tall and proud while opening a briefcase up on one of the tables.

"Good news, Kali. I have a new project to keep you busy." He handed her a document which she immediately opened with glee and began speed-reading the first page.

"Thank you, sir! What did you have in mind?"

"I’ve just struck up a deal with a veterinary pharmaceutical company. I was hoping you can create a sort of.. animal steroid for me. All of the effects they want to see are written down for you to go over later.”

Kali closed the documents and sat them down on the closest work table, sensing that that wasn’t all Norman had to say. “Of course, sir. I’ll begin as soon as possible.”

“There is one more thing you must know about this project. The company has requested that we use some benign radioactive ingredients in the formula. Seeing as how your specialty is biochemistry, I’ve hired you a lab partner that can help you with the more sensitive materials you'll be handling."

Turning around to face the entrance, Norman then half-shouted, "Come on in."

Suddenly all of Kali's attention was on the new company entering the lab. In walked Dr. Otto Octavius, head scientist at the U.S Atomic Research Center. She felt her heart get caught in her throat as he came right up to her and offered his hand with a smile.

"Good evening, Dr. Kavanah. It's a pleasure to be working with you."

"Oh, it is an honor, Dr. Octavius! I've read nearly all of your articles and interviews."

"Please, we're going to be working together for quite a while. Just call me Otto."

"Yes, sir! I-I mean Otto.. " After realizing she was still shaking his hand, she awkwardly let go, earning a quiet chuckle from him.

"Well, now that I have you two geniuses together I should be off. Good luck." With that, Osborn was out the door before anyone could respond.

"Please, make yourself at home! The office and bathroom are that way," Kali pointed to the door and window at the far right of the laboratory.

"Ah, thank you, dear. I'll be back shortly."

Otto walked off into the office and shut the door behind him, though she couldn't see what he was doing as the window had it's blinds drawn.

Kali stood alone in the middle of the lab, still trying to process everything that was happening. She couldn't believe it. Otto Octavius himself was going to be working with her, her of all people! She had seen him in person before but only from afar at a science convention a few years ago. At that time he was first introducing the world to the concept of his masterpiece, the four-armed apparatus that he used for handling nuclear material. He had since finished it but she had only seen it in pictures. She wondered for a moment if he was going to be bringing it to her lab, and the excitement at the idea forced a little squeal out of her.

Soon enough Dr. Octavius finally exited the office holding a magazine and chuckling to himself. Once he was back in front of Kali, he showed the front cover of it to her to reveal an image of himself standing proudly in front of a mechanical arm displayed on the table behind him. Kali's cheeks burned with embarrassment.

"I see you weren't lying about being a fan. I'm guessing you may know me better as 'Doctor Octopus' as my coworkers have grown fond of calling me."

"No, sir. I believe name calling like that is a petty tactic used by the weak-minded to undermine those they don't understand."

Otto smiled wider at her words.

"Y'know, I've done my own fair share of reading about you as well. Your work is nothing short of brilliance."

Kali perked up a bit at his compliment, her cheeks burning for a different reason now. "Really?"

"Of course! I've been meaning to get in touch with you even before Osborn hired me. Seeing as how we have some free time at the moment, I'd like to get to know you better if that's alright? We are lab partners now after all."

He pulled up two chairs, sitting down in one and offering the other one to her. Kali sat down across from him with an awkward smile and thanked him.

"Um, well… I don't know what to say, hehe. I suppose you can ask me anything you're curious about!"

Kali couldn't remember the last time she had sat down with someone and talked back and forth for who knows how long, laughing and simply enjoying each other's presence. Otto asked her many questions about herself, though none too personal. Everything he wanted to know about her seemed to be trivial, things such as 'how do you like your tea?' and 'do you have any pets?'. Things Kali didn't think anyone would ever care to know about her. And yet here he was, wanting to know and seeming fully invested as she spoke about herself.

Hours passed and eventually Otto checked his watch, realizing that it was time to go home. Kali was genuinely surprised, as it only felt like minutes had gone by. As they said their goodbyes for the night, her world seemed to fade back to grey as he left the laboratory. But knowing she would see him again the next day brought a toothy smile back to her face. Moving into the office, she fell back onto the couch on the right side of the room and let out a joyous sigh. Rats may have been adorable companions, but they couldn't ask you how your day was or flash you a genuine, debonair smile like Otto could.

Her heart swelled within her chest as she spent the rest of the night thinking about her new friend.