#what else am i supposed to do with all of this internal problems????

[delicatetaysversion]

spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me

[barcaatthemoon]

let her go || leah williamson x reader ||

you notice some problems in your relationship with leah and take some time away from her.

you knew what it was like to live in a broken home. growing up, your home life had always been rough. your parents had refused to get a divorce, despite never having been happy a day in your life. apparently things hadn't always been that way according to your other family, but you had never really known peace at home.

that was why whenever you noticed things getting difficult with leah, you knew it was only a matter of time. she was getting irritable, and despite your best efforts to talk, all she wanted to do was argue. she wanted someone to take her anger out on, and you just happened to be the only person there.

it wasn't fair, and while leah seemed to understand that sometimes, she didn't nearly enough for you to stay. that was why whenever she had gone away for international camp, you spent that time thinking a lot of things over. you wanted to spend the rest of your life with leah, but not if she was going to be acting the way she had for the past several months. you just couldn't stay in a relationship like that.

"what are you doing?" you had decided to leave, but not to go until leah had gotten back. the last thing you wanted was for her to think that you had just abandoned her. she had been too good to you for too long for you to just do that.

"i'm going to stay with my sister in manchester for a little bit. maybe permanently, i haven't decided yet," you told her. leah's shock was evident on her face as she stared you down. she hoped that you were joking, but the solemn look on your face told her otherwise.

"why are you leaving? (y/n), i want you to stay. don't go, i need you. i need you to stay, please," leah said. she looked like she was about ready to drop to her knees and beg you to stay, which was the last thing that you wanted. you had hoped that this would be a quick exit, that leah would be in another one of her moods and just let you go.

"leah, please don't do this. with the way things have been, this is the best solution for a little while," you sighed. leah seemed shocked by your very valid reasoning. she had been so used to being the reasonable and rational one for so long. it felt very out of character for you to suddenly be making a decision like this for the right reason.

"what am i supposed to do then?" leah winced at the raising of her own voice. it was unintentional. "do you want an apology? tell me what i can do to fix this so you'll stay."

"there's nothing you can do or say that will make me stay. i'm sorry leah, i am. just let me go for a little while. i need time to think about us." despite every fiber of her being telling her to fight you on this, leah stepped out of your way. you brought your first set of bags down to the car before you went back up to get your last suitcase.

"can we set some rules before you leave?" leah asked you. a part of her felt like it was a big ask, one that she didn't even necessarily need to make. she knew that you were faithful, and even on a break, you'd never go out and find someone else. it was someone finding you that worried leah to no end.

"that depends on what you had in mind." you crossed your arms over your chest as you waited for her to speak again.

"this isn't a break-up or even a break, not really. i want you to check in with me, let me know that you're doing okay. whenever you need or want to talk, i'll always answer you. remember that i'm waiting for you back here, please. don't forget about what we've got here, and all the things that are sure to come," leah told you. she grabbed onto your hands and rubbed her thumbs over your knuckles. "i love you."

"i love you too." you leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the corner of leah's mouth. it wasn't much, but it was just what she needed to ease her mind a little bit. the small token of affection had always been something you'd done whenever leah got too inside of her own head. for you to pull her out of it before you left put leah at ease just enough for her to not immediately follow you all the way to manchester.

…

it was the hardest six weeks of her life, but leah had managed to give you the distance that you asked for. she had never been more grateful for a break in football in her life. usually she spent the off-season wishing for games or something, but it was nice not to have to worry about keeping her playing form good while she worried about whether or not you'd ever come back to her.

your return was, admittedly unceremonious. you didn't want leah to make a big deal over it, so you didn't even really tell her that you were coming back. instead, you simply told her that you were going to be in london to spend time with alessia, who had been making the trip up to manchester to see you several times a week.

"hey babe," you said casually as you pressed a kiss to leah's cheek. she glanced back at you, surprised to see you enter the apartment so casually. you had visited once or twice since you had left, but it had been sort of strained and tense between the two of you. "how are you?"

"good. i thought you were going out with les, what are you doing here?" leah asked you. you moved around the side of the couch and dropped down next to her. leah seemed a bit apprehensive, but she let you cuddle up against her side.

"i want to come home," you told her. leah looked surprised and a little confused. "can i come home please?"

"you don't have to ask me. i told you that i'd wait for you to be ready," leah reminded you. you knew that, but you didn't think it was fair to just walk back into her life without asking if it was okay first. "all i've wanted for the past month is for you to come back. i was kind of mad about you leaving, but i get it."

"what happened?" you asked her. leah shrugged, glancing down at her lap with a look of guilt etched onto her features. "leah?"

"a few of my teammates may have pointed out that i was being an asshole. you took care of me at my worst, and i didn't repay you with any sort of kindness. i'll do better, i promise. just please, promise me that next time i act like that, you'll call me out. i don't care if they tell me i'll never play again, call me out on my bullshit for the love of god. i'd rather be insulted than going to bed alone," leah told you. she was rambling a bit, which you found absolutely adorable.

"i promise not to just sit with my feelings like that again. it's not fair to either of us," you promised. leah smiled as she pressed a kiss to your forehead.

[metranart]

My one and only wants you, so he’ll have you (Part 6)

ft. Sensei! Gojo Satoru, sensei! Suguru Geto, reader insert.

Gojo Satoru and Suguru Geto happily married, you, their lovely student and the cause of their ragging temptation. The problem: their son, Megumi, your best friend.

⭕️ NSFW ARTWORK OF THIS CHAPTER

𖦹 Warning tags: Gojo x Reader x Geto, threesome, married couple, Suguru and Gojo happy married couple, polyamory, Teacher-Student Relationship.

-

Megumi raised an eyebrow, suspicious. "What's going on?”

Without a doubt, they had raised Megumi to be better than them, more skilled, stronger, and way more, smarter...

“What’s going on where?” Gojo feigned innocence, cocking his head to the side slightly. “I don’t-”

“-Sure, you do, Satoru.” Megumi was quick to interrupt holding the same eyebrow up. 

“Dad, you are supposed to call me Dad or Daddy, how many timed do I have to ask you, Megumi.” Gojo teased, hiding his nervousness behind fake annoyance, all his efforts put on gaining a few more minutes. 

Megumi growled in annoyance at the old act his adoptive father used to play when he wanted to get his attention. Since he was little, was always the same fight with Satoru Gojo-... the young adult swallowed his annoyance and instead tried to go downstairs to get you, only to find himself flanked by Gojo, but this time by his broad body getting strategically on the way.

"Why are you blocking my way?" Megumi asked without patience, and Gojo snickered, lamely.

"Am I?" chuckled out the special grade sorcerer awkwardly, "...you misunderstand me, my child, I-I…I just want a kiss on the cheek from my Gumi-"

"NO!" Megumi’s voice raised, cheeks coloring with embarrassment, and Gojo saw it as his chance to take advantage of his obvious discomfort to get closer, to block his path better, to buy more time for you to come back from that mind-blowing orgasm he had just given you, all disguised behind his typical and characteristic needy self, finally his spoiled personality will serve someone else’s than him. "Come on, Gumi. Give Daddy a goodnight kiss-"

"...You're crazy, I'm not a child anymore... stay away!" Megumi grunted, pressing his strong palm on Satoru’s face who kept insisting on invading his personal space, lips raised, pouting like a fool who was ready to steal that embarrassing kiss. "Stop it, Satoru!"

"Satoru, leave him alone, he didn't even want to kiss you as a child... now that he's older, even less so." Both struggling sorcerers heard Geto say with an amused chuckle right next to them.

Satoru pouted throwing a tantrum but internally highly relieved, if Geto was there that meant that you...

"Satoru-sensei, if you're going to be harassing us like that, I'd better go," your voice made its appearance, that hint of tiredness and shortness of breath disguised behind false irritation.

"(Y/N)," Megumi sounded surprised, his cheeks exploding at being caught in such an awkward domestic scenario and forcing himself to use all his strength pushed Gojo off him.

"How mean are my favorite students with their poor sensei," Gojo complained, putting a hand against his chest to feign indignation, "...if I didn't know that I was your favorite professor, I'd be offended-"

"You're not our favorite professor." Megumi answered mercilessly, and you supported him, only to fall once again into the usual protocol, a protocol that would chase away any suspicion from Megumi's mind of what was really happening between you and his parents.

"Nanami is our favorite." You delivered the final thrust, and Gojo's shoulders drooped comically, Suguru laughing at the comical outcome.

From where he stood, the curse-eater could see from the corner of his eye that slight tremor that accompanied your knees, the way the muscles in your thighs continued to have involuntary spasms, your pretty hands squeezing your uniform shirt to catch your breath and summoning all your strength to keep you upright when the only thing you wanted at that moment was to collapse and rest.

That orgasm had been way too intense, it was the longest minute of your life, you had never cum so fast and so hard, every nerve felt on fire, your sensei had ripped every ounce of strength from your body, and you could only think about now was sleep.

"-It's late, maybe we should go rest, Megumi."

You suggested quickly, hoping that you could catch your breath in the arms of Morpheus, clean the saliva that covered your thighs and pussy, and sleep under Megumi's sweet and safe company.

Megumi nodded, handing the briefing to Satoru and offering you his hand, which you took without hesitation to let him guide you up to his room.

"Leave the door open," Suguru commented a little too firmly, and immediately regretted his involuntary spurt of unnecessary jealousy.

"We are not children anymore, Suguru-san. Good night." Was Megumi's final response.

Gojo and Suguru were reduced to wishing you goodnight, there was nothing else they could do, they had to control themselves no matter how much what was happening bothered them.

"G-Good night, Suguru-san, Satoru-san." You said and both softened their voices to respond.

"Good night, (Y/N)."

"Sleep well, little one."

A growl was the last thing that was heard before the door to Megumi's room was closed and the latch put on, you were now inside the room of their adopted son, and they couldn't feel more uneasy.

-

No matter how much you insisted, Megumi wouldn't let you sleep on the futon on the floor, giving you his bed instead.

"I don't mind, (Y/N). I prefer that tomorrow you are at your best for the mission." He had said without letting you protest, getting into the futon and watching you from below as you climbed onto her bed and snuggled against her pillow. 

“Thank you, Gumi.” 

Were the last words you directed at him making him smile timidly before darkness reigned in the room as did silence, only a ray of moonlight subtly illuminating one part of the room until Megumi's eyes became accustomed to the shadows.

How he wanted to be in that same bed with you, his arms around you, your face against his chest, your warm breath against his skin.... he had to stop thinking about it or he couldn't control himself. 

Megumi closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, and his cheeks flushed when he opened his eyes again and found you looking at him from the edge of her mattress. A mischievous smile kidnapped your lips, and you couldn’t stop to tease him.

"What were you thinking, Megumi Fushiguro?" you asked him in a not-so-innocent whisper, "your cheeks are red, and you look agitated..." you continued, ignoring how uncomfortable he looked, "tell me, best friends don't keep secrets from each other."

Megumi gulped and you could see the abrupt movement of his Adam's apple.

"-Nothing interesting," the black-haired man answered, looking away.

"Liar,” you accused, “don't you trust me?" you asked him and this time, his mouth opened without his permission, letting out his biggest insecurity.

"Trust? How dare you-” he cut himself mid-speech and instead, asked. “... You like older men?"

"Older men?" you repeated dazedly.

The question was out there with all its implications and silence reigned once again in the room, "I know I declared my feelings to you this morning but-" Megumi steeled himself, "-but I need to know if you prefer them... "

Megumi's heart beat a mile a minute. You're smart, he doesn't need to say more for you to know who he's referring to. He's not stupid, he's not easy to fool... of course, he noticed the traces of sweat covering your face, your rosy cheeks and your shortness of breath, combined with Satoru's needy attitude so suddenly, something was happening and even though he refused with fervent stubbornness to believe that you could have an affair with his guardians... he needed to say it out loud and hear you deny it out loud. Megumi wants you for himself, you are soulmates. Satoru and Suguru already have each other, it's only fair that they let him have you.

Your silence felt like a hot knife piercing his beating heart, that heart that for years has only beaten for you, for your attention, for your affection.

Megumi sighed heavily, and this time it was anger at your cowardice that made him insist.

"Who do you prefer? Satoru or Suguru?" this time his question dripped venom, "Despite their age, both are still very popular with-"

"I prefer you." Your sudden confession stopped him in his tracks, and his heart skipped a beat.

"Don't just tell me what I want to hear, (Y/N)-"

His stubborn mouth was silenced as your soft lips claimed it. Slowly he felt you crawling from the safety of the bed towards his dangerous futon, where he would no longer be or want to be the kind boy who only held your hand timidly.

Your tongue pushed its way between his lips and Megumi's crotch woke up, firm and throbbing against his pajama pants. His hips stuttering up against your warm, covered core, he doesn't want to force you into anything you don't want but he's not in control anymore.

"...Are you sure?" Megumi forced himself to ask and immediately scolded himself for fear of a refusal, but you grinned against his mouth and your tongue licked his lips before asking.

"You do not want?"

Megumi nodded, "I want, I want you more than I need air." The black-haired man declared fervently, "...I just want you to-"

"I want to, Megumi." You voiced out and he shuddered with excitement, "I want you to do to me everything you've been planning for almost two years-"

"Three years, hun." Megumi revealed, stealing little pecks from your panting lips, "Three agonizing years, I've loved you since you set foot in school-"

"Then don't hold back, Megumi." And that was all the permission the young adult needed to let go.

His head shifted to the side finding refuge in the hollow of your neck. Slightly parted lips pressing too insistently against the tender skin as he bathed it in warm, elaborated breaths. 

“You had your chance.” Megumi warned and soon, there was nothing innocent or gentle about the way his lips moved against yours, or his hands slipped under your pajamas, or the way he gets rid of those cumbersome layers of clothes.

This boy’s actions were fierce and desperate, could feel the heat radiating with each touch, each movement was devastatingly daring and conceived just to drive you to the edge and let you rush into the abyss of his very soul. It was the true essence of a greedy man who had been asleep for far too long under layers of control. Each layer had been ripped apart by your acceptance of his feelings and now only the raw man remained, wide awake and hungry.

You felt at his mercy, more precisely, like his willing prey. 

Megumi grew too enamored with the plush curve of your hips and all restriction flew away from his rational grasp.

“Fuck-…. Do your very best not to scream, baby.” 

COMING SOON PART 7....

⭕️ NSFW ARTWORK OF THIS CHAPTER.

[genshinluvr]

Yanqing's Babysitting Service

Pairings: Various Honkai Star Rail Men x Isekai'd!Reader

Summary: Your traveling companions have matters to deal with at the Xianzhou Luofu. General Jing Yuan assigns Yanqing, his retainer, to be your babysitter for the day! You and Yanqing were supposed to search for puzzles to complete on the Xianzhou Luofu while the others are occupied, but instead, you two go to Boulder Town.

Note: This is a mini-fic that I have written during my finals week! Finals are done, and I am free from schoolwork! I have a couple of people on AO3 wanting smut for the HSR fanfic, but I'm not sure when I'm going to be making it. I do have smut in mind, but I'm not sure when I'll make it. Even if I do make it, I'm not sure who's going to be the first one to start it off 🤔 I don't post anywhere else but on Tumblr (Genshinluvr) and on AO3 (Aaliah_exo).

Warnings: Reader gets knocked out cold close toward the end of the fic.

Word Count: 4.5k

Part 2 of Yanqing's Babysitting Service is [HERE]. (Can be read as a standalone fic)

You’re at the Xianzhou Luofu with your traveling companions— March, Caelus, Dan Heng, Mr. Yang, Gepard, and Sampo. Jing Yuan has invited you all to the Xianzhou Luofu because there’s an emergency, and he needs some assistance. The grand doors of the Seat of Divine Foresight open, and you all step into the massive office. Despite this not being the first time you’ve been in the General’s office, you can’t help but be in awe. 

As you all walk farther into the office of the General of the Xianzhou Luofu, you see Jing Yuan playing chess with a young blond male. Jing Yuan and the blond boy looks up from the chessboard. Jing Yuan smiles widely, gets up from his seat, and strides toward your group.

“Welcome! I’m glad that you all have arrived to the Xianzhou Luofu safely! How were your travels?” asks Jing Yuan, stopping before your group.

Mr. Yang gives Jing Yuan a small smile. “General Jing Yuan, it’s good to see you again. The journey to the Xianzhou Luofu was smooth, but there were some minor obstacles,” replies Mr. Yang, adjusting his glasses. 

March props her hands on her hips. “So, General! What is it that you need us to do?” March asks, gazing at Jing Yuan curiously.

Jing Yuan’s eyes land on you, and his eyes widen slightly, his mouth agape. You blink at the man as he approaches you before turning to the others. You can’t help but have an inkling feeling that Jing Yuan didn’t expect you to be accompanying the group. 

Dan Heng raises his eyebrows at the general. “Is there a problem, General Jing Yuan?” Dan Heng asks.

Jing Yuan doesn’t respond to Dan Heng’s question. Instead, he turns back to you and places both of his hands on your shoulders. Jing Yuan opens his mouth but then shuts it, unsure of what to say. Jing Yuan looks around, searching for something or someone. 

Caelus whispers to Sampo, “Why is General Jing Yuan acting like that? Usually, he gets excited when he sees [Y/N]. But now he looks shocked and conflicted.”

Sampo shrugs his shoulders. “He did mention that there’s been an issue with the Disciples of Sanctus Medicus, right? If so, maybe that’s what he’s worried about,” Sampo mutters to Caelus, not taking his eyes off the white-haired General. 

Gepard takes a step closer to the two whispering men. Gepard notices the way General Jing Yuan looks at you. He looks surprised, yes, but he also looks worried. Earlier this morning, the General sent a message to the Astral Express, asking for their assistance in dealing with the Disciples of Sanctus Medicus: Internal Alchemist and Shape Shifter. The numbers have been increasing, and it was a little bit overwhelming. 

While Jing Yuan is a very skilled fighter and can take down an army of the Disciples of Sanctus Medicus, he has other priorities to deal with on the Xianzhou Luofu, and having some assistance isn’t a crime. It seems like the General forgot about your presence on the Trailblazing team. You don’t blame Jing Yuan for forgetting about your placement with your traveling companions. They do the fighting, and you do the sitting on the sidelines because you don’t wield any weapons, you don’t have a combat type, nor do you have a path like them.

Gepard turns to the two men. “I think I know the issue,” Gepard states, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Oh? What could the issue be, Captain of the Silvermane Guards?” asks Luocha as he and Blade walk up to the three whispering men.

Caelus, Gepard, and Sampo stare at the two men, not saying anything. The corner of Blade’s lips curves up when the three men glare at him. Blade chuckles and shakes his head, looking over where you and Jing Yuan are standing. 

Blade looks over at the three men, tilting his head to the side. “So, Landau, what do you think the issue is? You implied that you know the issue,” says Blade, crossing his arms over his chest.

The tension between the men was interrupted by Jing Yuan calling over the small blond male, who remains seated in front of the chessboard. The blond male looks at the General and gets up from his spot before jogging toward you and Jing Yuan. Jing Yuan smiles at the blond male and pats his shoulders.

“Yanqing, meet [Y/N]! [Y/N], meet Yanqing, my retainer,” Jing Yuan introduces you to the young blond boy.

Yanqing’s eyes light up, and he grins from ear to ear. “Oh! So you’re [Y/N]! General Jing Yuan has talked about you nonstop! It’s great to finally meet the, and I quote from General Jing Yuan, lovely and breathtaking [Y/N],” says Yanqing. 

Jing Yuan looks at Yanqing with wide eyes, his pale cheeks turning almost as dark as his pants. Well, not that dark, but the blush on Jing Yuan’s cheek is noticeable. You feel heat rush to your cheeks after Yanqing’s cheeky comment and look at the General shyly. The man smiles at you shyly, rubbing the back of his neck. 

March snickers behind her hands. “It looks like General Jing Yuan gushes about [Y/N] to his retainer! How cute!” March giggles.

When you and March make eye contact from across the room, March gives you a teasing smile and wiggles her eyebrows at you suggestively. You glare at March and look away, your face feeling really hot under March’s teasing gaze and the other men’s intense stares from behind Jing Yuan and Yanqing’s backs. 

Ignoring the looks people were giving you, you look at Yanqing and smile at the young boy. “It’s nice to meet you too, Yanqing! I’ve heard great things about you,” you say.

Yanqing blushes and smiles at you shyly, clasping his hands behind his back before turning to look at the white-haired general. Jing Yuan stares at Yanqing, then at you as realization starts to set in. Clearing his throat, the tall general points at Yanqing, then at you.

“Yanqing, for today, I am appointing you to watch over [Y/N] as I, Luocha, Blade, and [Y/N]’s traveling companions deal with the Disciples of Sanctus Medicus situation,” says Jing Yuan.

The young boy looks at Jing Yuan with confusion and then at you, not saying a word. You blink at Jing Yuan and point at Jing Yuan’s blond retainer. Was Jing Yuan appointing Yanqing to be your babysitter for the day while he, Blade, Luocha, your Belobog and Trailblazing companions are dealing with something dangerous?

March presses her lips into a thin line. “You know, [Y/N] can just return to the Astral Express! I don’t think [Y/N] would be a good sparring partner for someone as skilled and talented as Yanqing. No offense, [Y/N],” March gives you a polite smile.

Yanqing hums and taps his finger on his bicep, looking between you and Jing Yuan. Yanqing wasn’t sure why Jing Yuan appointed him to watch over you while they were away. He has things to do, and as the prodigy, he doesn’t have time to babysit someone Jing Yuan fawns over when they’re not around. 

Before Yanqing could protest, you said, “Jing Yuan, you don’t need to assign a babysitter for me. I can handle myself, and while I’m not from your universe, I can find something to keep myself occupied while you’re all out handling things.” 

Blade huffs with amusement, raising an eyebrow at you. “And how will you do that, little starlight? Do you plan on hanging out in the General’s office while we’re all gone?” Blade asks, raising his eyebrows at you.

You hum, tapping your foot on the ground. You can do that, but you don’t think the people that work for Jing Yuan would appreciate an outsider being in the General’s office. Especially when the office might contain top-secret information. Looking at the large seat in Jing Yuan’s office, you can make that into a bed and nap. While you’re at it, maybe Nanook wouldn’t mind keeping you company until someone wakes you up from your slumber!

Mr. Yang frowns at the expression on your face, nudging Caelus. “You recalled the Hexanexus puzzles you told me about recently?” Mr. Yang asks.

The silver-haired man blinks at Mr. Yang before pulling his phone out, nodding in response. Your phone chimes, and you pull your phone out from your pocket to see that Caelus forwarded a message from the Hex Club regarding the puzzle he solved not long ago. While Caelus replied to the message sent by the club, he didn’t respond to their previous message. 

You raise your eyebrow, looking at Caelus and Mr. Yang. “You two want me to solve the Hexanexus puzzles to keep me occupied?” You ask, tucking your phone back into your pocket.

Caelus shrugs his shoulders, putting his phone away. “If you want to! We’re not going to force you to do something you don’t want to do. We think solving puzzles would be fun compared to doing nothing while Yanqing watches over you,” Caelus replies. 

You don’t mind solving the Hexanexus puzzles around the Xianzhou Luofu! The issue is, well, the puzzles are all over the Xianzhou Luofu, meaning you’ll be all over the place searching for and completing the puzzles. You can run into any monsters at any moment. 

Maybe that’s where Yanqing comes in, but him fighting the monsters alone while you’re cowering in the corner doesn’t seem fair for the blond boy. Yes, he’s skilled and a prodigy, but it’s not fair for him to fight the battles alone. Oh, and how are you going to find these puzzles? You know there are other puzzles besides the Hexanexus puzzles around the Xianzhou Luofu. Like the navigation compass puzzle! You’ve seen them around the Xianzhou Luofu and have always been curious if you can solve them in person compared to doing it on your computer screen.

You shrug your shoulders. “I don’t mind solving puzzles while you’re all away. But what do I do with the prize that’s given to me after I solve them?” You ask.

“We’ll figure that out later. For now, let’s part ways. Once we’re done dealing with the issues around the Xianzhou Luofu, one of us will text you to inform you about it,” says Dan Heng.

You nod and follow Yanqing when he gestures for you to follow him. Before you can exit Jing Yuan’s office, Mr. Yang grabs hold of your biceps. You stop in your tracks and turn to look at the older man quizzically. Mr. Yang sighs and gives you a small smile, placing his hand on your shoulders.

“Be safe, alright? If anything happens, please let us know immediately,” says Mr. Yang, staring into your eyes.

You feel your face turn hot the longer Mr. Yang stares into your eyes. You smile at Mr. Yang and nod, placing your hand over his and giving his hand a reassuring squeeze. It’s nice to know that they care about you and your safety. You’ve been in their universe for a short time, and for them to think about you makes you feel warm and fuzzy. 

“I promise I’ll let you all know if anything bad happens. I hope nothing bad happens, but I have Yanqing with me the entire time! He’ll be the one to protect me if none of you are able to make it in time,” you reply, turning to look at the blond boy.

Yanqing nods. Yanqing suddenly looks serious, as if it’s his job to watch over you— as if he’s assigned to be your bodyguard. Well, it’s sort of his temporary job to be your babysitter while the others are out somewhere on the Xianzhou Luofu. Mr. Yang sighs and lets go of your shoulders, giving you one last smile before you bid the others goodbye while walking out of Jing Yuan’s office. 

March exhales loudly, shaking her head. “Just when I thought it was bad enough for an Aeon to be in love with [Y/N], it gets worst! Eight more people developing a crush on my best friend? Oh, I need to tell Himeko about this! This is juicy!” March says, pulling her phone out.

“March, we don’t have time for gossip! You can do that later!” Sampo says cooly, flicking his bangs away from his face.

March grumbles and puts her phone away before walking over to where Jing Yuan stands. Jing Yuan starts going over the plan, instructing what each person is going to do when they arrive at their destination. Meanwhile, you’re at Cloudford with Yanqing, searching for the Hexanexus puzzle to solve.

Yanqing is alert and is making sure you two don’t run into any potential dangers. So far, things are going smoothly, and you two haven’t run into any dangers yet! While it’s fun to explore around the Xianzhou Luofu, it’s not fun searching for the puzzle when it’s not marked anywhere on the map for you. 

“How does Caelus even find the Hexanexus puzzles? Is it marked on the map for him, or what?” You grumble, pulling your phone out.

Yanqing shrugs his shoulders, peeking at your phone. “Maybe he finished all of the Hexanexus puzzles and didn’t recall completing them all?” Yanqing replies in a questioning tone. 

You sigh in defeat before putting your phone away. “Maybe. Then what do we do now? I can’t return to the Seat of Divine Foresight since it’s probably locked. I don’t think Jing Yuan would appreciate me being in there.”

You and Yanqing stand there in silence. You don’t know how to initiate a conversation with Yanqing. All you know is that he’s Jing Yuan’s retainer and currently your babysitter. Of course, he’ll be watching over you until Jing Yuan, Luocha, Blade, and your Belobog and Astral Express traveling companions are done with the things they’re dealing with at the moment.

Are you allowed to leave the Xianzhou Luofu? Jing Yuan didn’t say anything about you not being allowed to leave the Xianzhou Luofu, did he? I mean, maybe he did, and that went flying over your head. 

There aren’t any puzzles for you to solve on the Xianzhou Luofu. Even if there were, you don’t think you would want to go scavenger hunting for those puzzles. That being said, you want to visit the Boulder Town Super League. If you can’t watch your friends fight the Mara-Struck, then you might as well watch some people duke it out. The only problem was how you were going to get to Boulder Town and if Yanqing was willing to go with you since he was watching over you.

You turn to look at the young blond boy. “Hey, Yanqing. What do you think about fight clubs?” You ask, tilting your head to the side while giving Yanqing an innocent smile.

Yanqing looks at you curiously, tapping his index finger on his chin. “A fight club? I’ve never heard of it! Care to tell me what it’s about?” Yanqing asks.

You smile at Yanqing and begin walking toward where the Astral Express is located. Surely the others wouldn’t mind you and Yanqing going to Boulder Town until they’re done with their business, right? Besides, it’s not like you and Yanqing are going to be participating in anything while at the Boulder Town Super League! At least, that’s what you’re hoping. You know Yanqing is skilled in combat, but you don’t think that Jing Yuan would appreciate his retainer fighting robots in Boulder Town on Jarilo-VI.

And that is how you and Yanqing end up in Boulder Town, watching people fight robots to the side while eating snacks. You weren’t sure if Yanqing had anything to eat prior to being assigned as your babysitter for the day, so you think it’d be best to get some snacks for Yanqing to eat before returning to the Xianzhou Luofu.

Yanqing stares at the redhead entering the ring, squinting his eyes. “Do you think someone like him can handle fighting robots?” Yanqing asks, nudging you.

You take a bite from your snack and look at the person Yanqing is pointing at. You hum, tilting your head to the side, shrugging your shoulders. The redhead is shirtless, and he has a prosthetic arm. His hair is pulled back into a half-ponytail. You don’t know who this man is, but you’re looking forward to watching him duel robots and migrants. 

You shrug in response. “I don’t know! He looks pretty capable of taking down a couple of robots. Why? Do you doubt his skills, Mister Prodigy?” You tease, nudging Yanqing back.

Yanqing narrows his eyes and turns to look at you, wiping the corner of his lips. “Let’s make a bet! If you win, I owe you information about the things General Jing Yuan, that foreign trader, and the Stellaron Hunter says about you when you’re not around!” Yanqing says, holding his hand out for you to shake.

Oh? Now that has piqued your interest. What could those three talk about? You purse your lips, tempted to shake Yanqing’s hands to make a bet with the young lieutenant of the Xianzhou Luofu. Before you bring your hand up to shake the blond’s hands, you look at Yanqing suspiciously.

“And what if you win?” You ask, squinting your eyes with your hand hovering in front of his.

Yanqing hums and tilts his head to the side. “If I win, you tell me who you like out of the ones from the group,” says Yanqing, smiling at you innocently.

Now it’s your turn to tilt your head to the side as you blink at Yanqing. What does he mean by that exactly? You like everyone in the group! Granted, some of them are intimidating (Blade), but you do like everyone in the group. Unless he was implying about who you have a crush on. If that’s the case, you weren’t sure if you have romantic feelings for any of the men. 

You shrug your shoulders. Oh well, what can go wrong? “Uh, sure. It’s a deal,” you reply, grabbing Yanqing’s hand and shaking them.

You and Yanqing turn to the ring, watching the redhead prepare his match with the automaton grizzly. It towers over the redhead, ready to charge forward. The redhead summons his weapon, grinning from ear to ear as he prepares to make the first move. The automaton grizzly summons two automaton spiders, both on the verge of exploding.

You scoot back, tugging on Yanqing’s sleeves. “Let’s back up just in case,” you murmur.

Yanqing looks at you with confusion before mimicking you. The battle begins, and everything is going really well for the redhead! He managed to defeat both the automaton spiders, causing them to explode beside the automaton grizzly. The fight was coming to an end when all of a sudden, the automaton grizzly stomped on the ground, causing the redhead to lose balance, sending his prosthetic arm to come off and flying in your direction. Needless to say, you have a slow reaction time because your world suddenly goes back when the metal prosthetic arm smacks your face.

When you open your eyes, you’re in the void with Nanook towering over you. Instead of Nanook covering the sun and sky, your head is lying on Nanook’s lap. Nanook sighs in relief when your eyes flutter open. You look around, confused about how you ended up in the abyss with Nanook.

You sit up, only for Nanook to push you back to lie down. You didn’t protest or fight against it. You rest your head on Nanook’s lap, gazing up at the Aeon with bleary eyes. Nanook gives you a small smile and combs his fingers through your hair.

“What happened?” You mutter.

Nanook sigh. “You got hit in the face, and it knocked you out. Now here you are, with me. Safe in my arms where no one and nothing can harm a single hair on your head,” Nanook replies, smiling at you.

You reach for Nanook’s hands, lacing your fingers together. Nanook lets out a shaky sigh, bringing your laced hands up to his lips, and presses a gentle kiss on your knuckles. So that’s what happened. You were knocked out unconscious. 

You weren’t sure how long you’ll remain unconscious, but you like being in the void with Nanook. It’s nice and quiet here— away from the dangers lurking in every corner. You have Nanook with you, and Nanook can protect you from harm. 

“How much longer do I have to wait to see you in person, Nanook?” You whisper, shutting your eyes.

Nanook hums, combing his fingers through your hair. “Sooner than you think, little one. I won’t keep you waiting any longer, I promise,” Nanook whispers, pressing another kiss on your forehead.

Before you can ask any more questions, the void around you slowly becomes dark. Nanook sighs in defeat, kissing your knuckles one last time. You involuntarily jerk when you feel someone tap your cheek while saying your name repeatedly. You groan, attempting to swat the hand away from your face. Your face hurts, but more importantly, your forehead hurts a lot. It feels like someone chucked a metal bat in your face. Oh, wait, that kind of happened, aside from the metal bat part. 

“Hey, hey, hey! It’s okay! Take it easy now,” says an unfamiliar voice.

You crack your eyes open. Your vision is blurry, and there are multiple people peering down at you, watching you regain your consciousness. You blink rapidly, rubbing your eyes with the heel of your hand. You have no idea how long you’ve been knocked out, but that was probably the best yet worst nap you have ever gotten.

The redhead with the metal prosthetic arm sighs in relief, smiling at you. “I’m so glad you’re okay! I didn’t mean to knock you out with my arm. To be honest, I didn’t expect my prosthetic to fly off and hit you in the face,” says the redhead. 

“Just be glad it didn’t give [Y/N] a concussion, Luka,” a gentle voice interjects.

You look up to see Natasha walk up to where you’re lying. She smiles at you and stands at the edge of the bed. Now that you’re awake, you realize you’re at the infirmary in Boulder Town. Yanqing is sitting beside you, pressing an ice pack on your forehead. Yanqing looks like he saw a ghost— the poor boy is pale and has tears pooling in his eyes. You’re tempted to ask Yanqing what is wrong, but before you can ask Yanqing, Yanqing looks away while still pressing the ice pack against your forehead. 

Natasha does a quick check-up on you while Yanqing and the redhead remain by your side. For your headache, Natasha prescribes you pain medication to take. She instructs you to take it every eight hours, but only if you’re having a headache. Natasha dismisses you, Yanqing, and the redhead.

The three of you step out of the infirmary, not saying a word. Yanqing sticks to your side, Yanqing’s arm looping around yours as he helps you down the stairs. You sit on the last step of the stairs, holding the ice pack on the bruise and a forming bump on your forehead. You turn to look at Yanqing.

“Did he win?” You ask.

Yanqing looks at you incredulously, his mouth agape. “You were knocked out cold by his flying prosthetic arm, and you’re wondering if he won the fight?!” Yanqing screeches.

The redhead chuckles, sitting beside you. “The fight stopped after my arm hit you in the face. I didn’t win or lose, but I was winning,” replies the redhead. “I’m Luka, by the way.”

You tried to smile at Luka, only for it to be a grimace. “Nice to meet you, Luka! I’m [Y/N], and the blond boy beside me is Yanqing! He’s my babysitter,” you reply.

Luka looks at you and Yanqing curiously but doesn’t question it. Your meeting with Luka was brief since your phone was blowing up with text messages and phone calls from your Astral Express and Belobog traveling companions. Blade, Luocha, and Jing Yuan even sent you a series of text messages and phone calls, asking where you and Yanqing have disappeared off to.

Before you and Yanqing could return to the Xianzhou Luofu, you and Luka traded phone numbers. Luka said he was going to find a way to make it up to you when you two cross paths later. Yanqing wasn’t fond of Luka, and you weren’t sure if it was because of Luka’s prosthetic arm flying off and knocking you out or if it was because of something else.

Either way, when you and Yanqing returned to the Xianzhou Luofu, the others were waiting for your and Yanqing’s return. Everyone’s eyes automatically lock on you when you step into the Seat of Divine Foresight. Yanqing didn’t get in trouble, thankfully. However, you did get an earful from the others for wandering off and dragging Yanqing with you. 

“I guess that’s the end of Yanqing’s babysitting service,” you grumble, letting Luocha replace the now-melted ice pack with a new one. “Now I’ll never know what Jing Yuan, Blade, and Luocha said about me,” you lament.

Loucha pauses and looks at you with a blank stare. “Pardon me?” Luocha asks, raising his eyebrows at you.

You blink at the long, blond-haired man. “I don’t know what I’m saying. Ignore that. I did get hit in the face with a metal arm not long ago,” you grumble.

Luocha shrugs before continuing where he had left off while the others go through your phone. You took many pictures while you were with Yanqing, and the men (and March) were glad that you had a great time! That is until your phone chimes and a notification pops up on your screen.

“One attachment from Luka?” Gepard mutters, raising an eyebrow.

March props her hands on her hips. “Who is this Luka person?” March asks.

Dan Heng hums. “One way to find out…” Dan Heng trails off.

Gepard clicks on the notification, sending them to a text messaging app. The attachment shows up, and it was a shirtless, mirror picture of the redhead you met at Boulder Town. Sampo’s eyes widen, his eyes zooming in on the text below.

“I hope this makes up for what happened today. I hope I can make it up to you in person x”

Oh, you have some explaining to do.

Mr. Yang slowly turns to where you’re sitting, crossing his arms over his chest while looking like a stern father, ready to scold his child. “[Y/N]. Care to explain this?” Mr. Yang asks, holding up your phone to your face.

Your eyes widen, and you look away, rubbing the back of your neck. “I don’t think you should be interrogating someone that got smacked in the face with a metal arm right now. I’ll explain everything later,” you reply. “And I’m going to smack Luka for sending a shirtless mirror selfie out of nowhere.”

While there’s nothing romantic going on between you and each of the men, they can’t help but feel something form in the pit of their gut. Yeah, Yanqing’s babysitting service is definitely not going to happen again. At least, not without the other person keeping an eye on you and Yanqing.

Note: It's about to be 6 AM, and I have not slept at all. Once I post this fic on AO3, I am going straight to sleep. It's a good thing it's summer for me now because my sleep schedule is officially fucked. My first mini-fic for HSR omg :o anyway, I am going to start working on a taglist form for my HSR series, and hopefully, I can start tagging people in posts soon. To my new and/or returning readers, please keep in mind that I ONLY post on my Tumblr (Genshinluvr) and my AO3 (Aaliah_exo)! Nowhere else except Tumblr and AO3!

Read more of my works on my Masterlist | Maybe support me by tipping me on Ko-Fi or by reblogging my fanfics! ^^ I will also be posting exclusive fanfics on Ko-Fi as well very soon! I might post all of my stories on there too, but who knows. You can also tip me on Tumblr if you'd like as a way to show support! ^^

[weird-bookworm]

sypnosis: what happens when you wake up as your best friend (crush, actually, but nobody needs to know about that) one day...

warnings: mention of being drunk

word count: 1.1k

event masterlist

you are currently sitting on a very uncomfortable and, unfortunately, familiar bed right now. the bed is not yours, and neither is the room. it belongs to a man you know very well, though you would rather not know him at all (lies). the biggest problem is trying (and failing) to ignore the fact that said man is your best friend.

you exhale sharply. this is not how you were expecting your day to go. you’re internally grateful that it is the weekend and you won’t have to miss a class because of this. small wins, you suppose.

the feeling of being in someone else’s body is weird, no matter how familiar the person is. you’ve always seen the sharp eyes, the big hands and the defined body of your best friend, but have never felt it like this. it is a strangely intimate feeling. you stare at your hands, opening and closing them, inspecting every single crease of the skin on each knuckle.

somewhere in the back of your head, a little voice which sounds suspiciously like seungkwan’s points out how you can now look at these minute details even when you switch back. you flush at the idea but dismiss it.

standing up, you go to the full length mirror in the corner of the room. it feels like a requirement to see yourself in soonyoung’s body, to tell yourself that it is finally time to meet your soulmate, even though you’ve known him since practically forever.

he is pretty, to say the least. the bedhead is adorable and his eyes shine as if they house galaxies. you’ve always known he’s handsome, even told him so when both of you were drunk enough, but you were always so shy to actually look at him and admire. so you take your time to fully look at him, take in the slope of his nose and the plush of his lips, the softness of his cheeks and the tiny imperfections on his skin.

just as you are contemplating having a peek beneath his tee, you’re broken out of your daze, wincing when you hear a sudden thud from outside the door. you internally groan at the prospect of dealing with his roommates in this situation.

“soonyoung?” a muffled voice calls out. you sigh, not really wanting to interact with his roommates, but open the door. you’re met with the sight of a ruffled wonwoo with bed hair.

“jihoon called, asked me to wake you up. why do you look like that?” he points to the furrow of your brows.

“good morning wonwoo, y/n here.”

his face is comical as it goes through the five stages of grief and realisation dawns on his face. you would’ve laughed at his dilemma too, if the situation wasn’t so annoying.

you sigh again, louder this time, and stomp back into the room. you pick up soonyoung’s phone, grab wonwoo’s arm on the way out of the room, take the car keys and go straight to their shared car. you silently hand him the keys and get in the passenger seat. he wordlessly gets in as well and starts driving to your dorms.

you and wonwoo have always gotten along well, but this has to be the most tense silence you have ever experienced with him, aside from when the two of you get competitive while playing games.

he finally breaks the quiet when you are near the dorms. “do you really hate the idea of him being your soulmate so much?”

you let out an incredulous scoff, “i’ve dealt with this idiot for too many years, now you’re telling me i have to deal with him my entire life?” he giggles at that, “you’re glad it’s him, aren’t you?”

“...of course i am. he just has shit taste in mattresses so i barely got any sleep after the swap.” both of you give each a smile, well aware how grumpy you get with lack of sleep, and with that you reach your dorms.

soonyoung visits you so much that the receptionist lets you guys in easily, and you punch in the code to your room when you reach the door. wonwoo trails behind you as you make your way to your bedroom, to find soonyoung— or you— sprawled across the bed.

weird is an understatement for what you feel when you see yourself like this, but you push it aside. instead, you simply switch on the lights and turn off the fan, a surefire way to wake you up. as expected, soonyoung groans and sits up in a haze, swaying lightly before blinking and actually shrieking as soon as his— her’s?— eyes land on you. both you and wonwoo wince from the sheer volume of the panicked screech.

“shh, shh, shh,” you hurry forward to press your palm against his mouth, “the walls are thin, it’s just us, stop yelling!”

wonwoo excuses himself out of the room, though neither of you notice, because only a few seconds later, you feel like the room is floating upside down and suddenly, you’re facing soonyoung, still with his hand over your mouth.

shit, you’d forgotten that touching reserves the switch. both of you freeze as soon as your eyes meet, unsure what to do next. there is an awkward silence, and it really makes your brain itch because silences around soonyoung are not something that exist.

“you didn’t let me enjoy the day even a little as you,” soonyoung pouts, voice uncharacteristically soft. the complaint is so sudden and just so soonyoung, you can’t help but snort. you decide to be bold, figuring you have nothing to lose anyway.

“i mean, you can enjoy the day with me instead?”

his eyes widen as you directly address the elephant in the room. “are you really my soulmate?” he whispers, leaning forward in anticipation but also nibbling on his lip, as if he is afraid this will turn out to be a dream.

you cup his cheeks in response, the weight in your palms somehow feeling as if it belongs there, “of course i am, silly. we’re here, aren’t we?” seeing him nervous isn’t new, but its still unfamiliar, and it really makes you forget all about teasing him or acting annoyed.

“because…i like you a lot.” he avoids your gaze as he mutters the confession, and all you can do is get so incredibly endeared. “i like you a lot too, baby,” you lean forward to press your lips against his forehead as silent reassurance, a promise that you will stay for eternity.

fate has, after all, already given you a reason to stay.

taglist: @eternalgyu @aaniag @haecien @addicsvt @arafilez @kikohao @bittersweet-folder

©️ weird-bookworm 2024 . do not copy, repost, steal or translate my works in any shape, form or manner without my permission

[drbased]

So much of mental health advice feels like grasping into the dark: when I did CBT I did all these various exercises and in hindsight so much of it feels like the placebo effect, and I can see why people get sucked into cults. Not saying therapy is a cult at all, but when I think about how one of the exercises was to imagine a manifestation of my bad thoughts and then physically close the door on it - what was that supposed to achieve, exactly? The buzz of motivation you get from these therapies can seem like progress, but a lot of the real value - the honesty about yourself and what you value - is entirely lost through gimmicks.

And it's really sad because in my experience, actual acceptance can be incredibly quick, so much so that it feels like a cheat code, a 'life hack' if you will. But acceptance is what 'mentally healthy' people do all the time - that's why two people can go to the exact same job and one can be chill whilst the other is depressed. As a depressed person who never understood the former type, I was always curious at exactly how those people lived - I assumed they must be vapid, that they couldn't be as deep with me, that any problems they had in their life were much more trivial than mine. I was fascinated by people who, when going through experiences I considered life-ruining, would shrug and say 'it is what it is'. I assumed once again that they must just not be as deep as I am, or feel as strongly. The deeper assumption was always that there's something fundamentally different to my make-up that separates me from the 'normies'. The narcissism of this is not lost on me; I used to flip-flop back and forth between 'I'm right' and 'they're right'. I now understand this to be value system that my depression was built around, and I don't have that maddening argument in my head anymore.

The depression was always both the cause and solution: there always had to be a justification for my sadness that was more than simply 'I don't like this' - that way I could cling to it; I could defensively make it a part of me, whilst secretly embarrassed that other people would be able to handle a similar situation better than me. The key to acceptance is to face that embarrassment head-on and say, actually the reason this thing bothers me so much is because I value it not happening more than I value my happiness and comfort. The point of acceptance is where I realise that my happiness is something I can choose internally regardless of my external circumstances; that that's what everyone else has been doing this whole time and therefore I am not a freak nor am I the messiah. I can be just like everyone else and it's not embarrassing to be a mundane, alive human being. But also, I have to overcome the embarrassment of being miserable under a sunk-cost fallacy - so for that, I have to, once again, understand why I valued the narrative justification so much, and so I can accept that too, all as valued, loved, and cherished parts of myself. It's all about understanding and acceptance at every stage, at every layer of the psyche.

And from that acceptance I can recognise that my depression was a noble goal in some ways; a core facet of my belief used to be that I'm just one person, and everything else is everything else, so my value system should logically be skewed outwards. But I now understand that martyring myself for the 'greater good' is a thankless task and also, whilst everything else is bigger than me, I'm the one who experiences that everything, so my value system should be focussed on me. Feeling good feels good, and that's enough.

I understand that the process of true acceptance is a really tough thing to do, and it's cosmically upsetting how unfair it is that people who never have a mental illness (or have one that is so accepted by society that they never have to consider it one) don't ever have to do this manual process of self-reflection - but at the same time, my honesty about myself has become something I now value greatly as it allows me to make meaningful choices to demonstrate self-love and rebuild trust in myself after a decade of believing that 'because I want to be happy' isn't justification enough. And since I discovered this whole process, so much of mental health advice just seems to me like the equivalent of putting a jelly bean on a paragraph in a book to incentivise you to read to that point: you're a fully grown adult and you're not stupid, so eventually some part of you is going to go 'but I can eat the damn jellybean at any time!'

From having learned just how much the brain is paying attention to everything I do, it's hard to justify doing these typical therapy exercises knowing that the value system they espouse is entirely the opposite to my own: they're fundamentally dishonest and kick the mental health can down the road, treating your psyche as an inconvenience and an obstacle to achievement (which is implicitly believed to be 'real'). Slamming the door on my negative thoughts:

Creates a symbolic narrative that through this I can be 'cured'

Posits that my negative thoughts, despite being a product of my literal brain, have nothing to do with how my brain works

Posits that those thoughts can be severed from me (with one dramatic gesture)

Looking back, this such a patronising way to approach my own personhood; this qualified mental health practitioner was agreeing with the mental illness that brought me to him in the first place that I am fragmented and that parts of me are 'wrong'. Acceptance says that no, no part of me is 'wrong' because that's an entirely false concept: there are only actions and consequences, and I decide if I value those consequences. The only 'reason' I 'shouldn't' have those negative thoughts is because they hurt me - but also, as they are a part of me, they can be addressed and they can be reasoned with. Accepting their point of view as my own has done so, so much more for my mental health than treating that point of view as a terrifying aberration on my psyche to be forcefully removed.

Society is always surprised at how people who commit atrocities rarely have a mental disorder; but that's that implicit belief about 'mental health' in action. There's a societal need for mental health to be some reflection of logical and moral 'correctness'; after all, there is existential terror in the realisation of of psyches as floating entities, universes isolated from material reality. I, too, feel this terror, but as someone who used to feel a great need to be under the scrutiny of The All-Knowing Watcher who could justify all my behaviours, thoughts and feelings under some objective standard, there has been a paradoxical freedom in recognising that I alone am responsible for constructing my morality and value system. Those 'mentally healthy' people who commit atrocities simply have a value system that does not care about the harm they have done; and, as a result, they have accepted themselves (in a way I couldn't even accept about that Portal 'Companion Cube' plush I bought for £30 over a decade ago and immediately regretted yet still can't throw away). This can be hard to swallow for people who need to believe that we all live under the same objective standard and that mental illness is merely an aberration. The idea that I'm more mentally ill than a murderer feels wrong; from this alone it's clear that the whole idea of what mental illness/health even is is still in its infancy - and mental health treatments - which have undergone much revision, making it possible that nobody does that CBT exercise anymore - are reflecting that dearth of understanding.

[genericpuff]

I really enjoyed seeing your last post!!! It reminded me of something else that I noticed when I was younger and not really seeing LO through the eyes I am now- even when I lived LO, I noticed that Minthe’s bust size.. Might’ve changed? (I could be remembering wrong, and I’m sorry if I am!) I didn’t think on it too much back then, but it felt a lot like the “she could never measure up to Persephone”, or the “she’s nothing to worry about when it comes to Persephone”!!

But then, when Minthe was supposed to be more of a “problem,” I noticed she’d get drawn with a larger bust- or at least larger than it had been back in the earliest episodes!

This could all make absolutely no sense, (and I apologize for just rambling in your askbox!), but I watching a character’s “worthiness” be portrayed through something as simple and neutral as their chest size stuck out to me then, and sticks out to me now!! 😓)

Oh don't apologize, you're literally pointing out exactly the things we've even talked about in the ULO community !

Literally here she is in S1:

And we even get a scene of her smooshing her boobs together in Episode 35 in an effort to make them seem bigger because she legit feels like Hades is pursuing the "new hotness" in the office based around their physical appearances:

But then she conveniently goes up like 3 cup sizes when it's time for her to be cemented as the villain and suffer her fate by getting turned into a plant?

I've literally seen fans grasp at straws to explain that maybe she got a boob job but then they don't realize that the story at this point has only been going on for like, 3-4 weeks at most. At best you shouldn't have to make those massive leaps to explain the inconsistent character body types. If Minthe really did get a boob job, don't you think that's something that should have been explained in the comic?

And let's be real, we all know what it's really about because it's just more of Rachel pitting women against women:

What's wild though is that Rachel is vastly misinterpreting a classic image here:

A lot of people look at that image of Jayne Mansfield and Sophia Loren and just immediately assume that Sophia is giving Jayne the stink eye over her outfit. And of course, we see this misinterpretation in Rachel's drawing that swaps Sophia and Jayne with Minthe and Persephone.

When in FACT what was actually going on was that Sophia spotted Jayne getting dangerously close to a wardrobe malfunction / nip slip and the camera just happened to catch her making a face that could be misinterpreted as slut-shaming.

"Yes, Paramount had organized a party for me. All of cinema was there, it was incredible. And then comes in Jayne Mansfield, the last one to come. For me, that was when it got amazing. She came right for my table. She knew everyone was watching. She sat down. And now, she was barely… Listen. Look at the picture. Where are my eyes? I'm staring at her nipples because I am afraid they are about to come onto my plate. In my face you can see the fear. I'm so frightened that everything in her dress is going to blow—BOOM!—and spill all over the table."

Ans Sophia has actually stated that she doesn't like those misinterpretations and is trying to actively distance herself from it.

"Actually, many, many times I am given this photo to autograph it. And I never do. I don't want to have anything to do with that. And also out of respect for Jayne Mansfield because she's not with us anymore."

Jayne died in 1967, only living for about 30 years, and Sophia herself is actually still around. I can imagine how disheartening it is to see people still misinterpreting a photo of two friends and colleagues especially when it's through the lens of slut-shaming an accomplished actress who is unfortunately no longer with us.

Sooo yeah all that said, I'm less inclined to believe it was Minthe getting a boob job and more inclined to believe it was more of Rachel's weird internalized misogyny picking and choosing which women are "sluts" and which ones are "victims" for dressing or being built a certain way. It's really gross when you start to notice it.

People have also pointed out how odd it is that every single character who gets into a relationship or is in a relationship by S3 seemingly morphs into copies of Hades and Persephone, which is really just more of a testament to how lazy Rachel is in her character designs. In her head she's just trying Hades and Persephone all the time but different colors, I imagine at this point the H x P relationship is the only thing that she's interested in writing/drawing about (and even that's arguably hanging on by a thread because she couldn't even let their long-awaited wedding scene have real room to breathe) so it's almost like she's defaulting to just zoning out and drawing nothing but H x P and then having her assistants color them differently based on who it's actually supposed to be.

But I digress. The body shaming and slut shaming is definitely hard-baked into LO and how it portrays its characters. Despite Rachel having written an actual comic portraying sexism in the past, she still can't seem to express her ideas around sexism, to the point of, again, saying she "didn't know sexism was that bad" until she worked on LO. Like, girl... you drew a comic about sexism before LO, what are you talking about? Is this more of you not wanting to acknowledge ANY of the work you did prior to LO, or are you telling me you didn't intend for those older works to be interpreted as sexism???

"I feel like female characters in general, people will be a little harsher on them and sometimes way harsher on them, and I used to be like.. before I started writing the story and like making a story I was like yeah, sexism is not that bad, and [now] I was like oh it's bad. It's quite bad [laughs], so like, I don't know, I feel like the female characters in the story don't get so much of a pass. But this isn't consistent across the board, it's not all the time." - Rachel Smythe, Girl Wonder Podcast circa 2022

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

That Fluff Alphabet is making me melt already 🥹 Shanks is my present comfort character ❤️ (and Sanji, of course, but I'm just requesting Shanks for now), and I would love to see your headcanons for:

Domestic

Hugs

Listening

No rush! Thank you as always for sharing your talented writing with us lil' mortals. We are unworthy 🫶

First one!! And it's our silly redhead??

I am squealing.

Only internally, though. Don't want to frighten the neighbors.

Anyway. Gonna post this, then get the Fluffy Alphabet Masterlist set up.

For my other asks, I have already logged the requests for Mihawk and Sanji and edited the main Fluffy Alphabet post accordingly.

D is for Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning and other such household chores?)

“The only way this ship would feel more like home would be if you came with me.”

Settling down by definition isn’t exactly in Shanks’s nature. He has always considered himself at home on the sea—but when your relationship gets serious, he’s going to do absolutely everything in his power to convince you to come with him.

Will literally get on his knees and beg if he has to. There’s no room for shame, he wants you with him and he’ll do anything to make it happen. So in that way, he is perfectly content with "settling down."

As far as chores go, he does his best. There are a lot of things that are difficult to do with only one hand, but he’s learned to make due in most respects, and he always wants to help as much as possible. Any partnership is supposed to be fifty-fifty, and if he can help with anything in any way, he's going to.

He’s a little scatterbrained, so his cabin tends to get a little cluttered on a semi-regular basis; but if it gets to the point that it’s a problem or he notices it’s bothering you, he’ll straighten up himself without being asked.

H is for Hugs (How do they like to hug you? How often?)

“Oh, nonsense, you can stay a bit longer.”

His primary love language is physical affection, so if you happen to be near him, he’ll have his arm around you in a second.

Pulling you to his side almost absently and pressing a quick kiss to your forehead or the crown of your hair, even if he’s in the middle of talking to someone else or otherwise occupied.

Constantly sneaking up behind you to wrap his arm around your waist because he thinks it’s just adorable when you jump in alarm and scold him or elbow him in the ribs for scaring you.

Absolutely refusing to let you go until he’s done hugging you, even if you have something you need to do, and probably pouting about it a bit after he does. Mostly all in good fun...but really, the more often you have your arms around each other, the better.

L is for Listening (How are their listening skills? Do they hang on your every word, or is it sort of in-one-ear-and-out-the-other?)

“Er…what was that, doll?”

Poor, poor easily distracted baby. He tries. He really does.

A lot of times things will go in one ear and out the other, but he doesn’t mean anything by it. He really doesn’t. He’s a bit scatterbrained, he has a rather large crew to run, and things do get overlooked or forgotten from time to time.

He always feels absolutely awful about it, will apologize endlessly even if you’re understanding.

But it's only the little things. Important things, dates like your birthday or your anniversary, little seemingly insignificant details about when you first met or first kissed or anything of that sort that even you might have forgotten? Those, he doesn’t forget, and he never will.

Actively listening, though—you’re going to get quite a few vacant stares, quite a bit of “Hmm?” or “Sorry, love, I was miles away,” accompanied with a guilty grin.

[thesensteawitch]

MESSAGE FROM YOUR PAST LIFE!🍁💌

Pick A Pile Reading

💫(Left to Right- Pile 1, Pile 2, Pile 3)💫

Hey, Senstea Souls!🍁

I am back with another collective reading. Pick your pile intuitively and don't forget to tip my blog!

If you wish to book a personal reading-

~Rate Card 🗒️

~Booking Form 💚

FEEL FREE TO DM💌 ME IN CASE OF ANY QUESTIONS!

Pile 1🍁- I am channeling that your desire to receive emotional fulfillment, especially in the area of love, wasn't fulfilled in your last lifetime. You faced disappointments that made you put up walls all around you. In this lifetime, it's your purpose to understand emotional connections on a deeper level. You first need to intellectually understand the concept of love and the necessary boundaries. Your soul has everything mapped out regarding the events that must occur in this lifetime, so you let yourself experience the unknown and share your unique experience through writing. Reading is pretty important for you, pile 1.

Pile 2🍁- In your previous lifetime, you felt every problem was bigger than you, but you didn't realize that God was bigger than your problems. You struggled with finding stability in life, and when you did, you felt trapped. What I see is that you were looking for freedom all along. A safe space where you can open up your heart. In this lifetime, you are supposed to not stay silent just to keep the peace. You're supposed to find a balanced approach to speaking your mind. You have a lot of rage within you, as a lot of words that wanted to come out never did in the past. You're supposed to think twice before you speak. Be calm, but also assertive. You don't need to be afraid that you may end up saying something wrong. The more you are connected to your higher self, the better you'll be able to put your emotions into words. And then see the magic unfolding from what you say to someone!

Pile 3🍁- This is about love. In your past life, you have faced challenges to unite with the love of your life. There have been both outer and inner conflicts. In this lifetime, I see that there are some withheld resentments. You somehow end up saying the wrong thing to someone, or you are not able to frame the right sentence. There's an unresolved issue with a soulmate connection from a past life. Either you are with someone or not, you're asked to first resolve your internal conflicts to keep or manifest the love of your life. There's a need to heal yourself because I do see that others opinions of you matter a lot to you. There's an unhealthy attachment to what someone else thinks of you or feels about you. You need to love yourself and feel the right way about yourself first (in all love and light!).

[wolfsrainrules]

Me, Staring into the Night: Oh No

Discussed with @deepwithintheabyss on discord, and as a result:

I'm just Saying. I have been contemplating a Jurassic World in DC verse (with the understanding that I have not actually READ nor SEEN much DC content and am working off fandom.)

Jurassic World, as in, a JW that has done the work to hide and defend their island from super villains and various heroes poking their heads in. The full nine yards, everything they could possibly stop- and all that focus on "outside" threats? It's what allows the internal issues that result in the mess that is JW.

The thing though? Jurassic World still needs sponsors and Batfam has still been trying to get a look into that- because it should not be left unchecked. Legally they can't send a hero in. But Timothy Drake-Wayne, CEO of WE and potential sponsor and good word on JW? That they would allow. So if he gets a VIP access tour to 'tempt him into sponsoring Jurassic World" that's supposed to last a week or two...

They've already got the park operating on front of house, and they have a camp with six kids who got sent in. What's one more VIP who could get them a ton of money, and may sponsor their work and expand what they're doing? Thing is- VIP access means that technically, Tim isn't supposed to have any tech that operates inside without proper access. He knows it CAN be gotten, because there's a kid here- Brooklyn?- that is a very popular vlogger who is allowed to record and post things. He's also not here as a Bat, but as Timothy Drake-Wayne and that comes with some handicaps to what he's able to do int he open.

So he has to look like he doesn't have access to anything, can't be caught snooping around, and also is instinctively keeping an eye on the kids when he's in the same areas they are.

And then. And then the park goes down. Assets are out of containment. And we have this really shitty time, where Tim has to figure out how the hell to get them all off, when the protections from outside 'interference' mean that the heroes cannot set foot on Jurassic World, Jurassic Park, or anything within without causing a hell of an issue. Interference also means Tim can't get the emergency signal out. The only thing allowed out of JW is what's done on it's own network. He needs to find a way to hook into it, when the power is shot. Would it stop them? No. Especially not when people are dying, and definitely not the BatFam when Tim is on the island.

Problem? By all rights, the island was evacuated of all survivors. So far as anyone can determine, the others are dead, and the island is overrun with assets that got loose.

Tim didn't make it off.

And Tim doesn't have a functioning access to internet OR signal to get a call out, the white noise machines and everything else are blocking him from just yelling for evac. He technically doesn't have any BAT- grade tech or supplies for himself- this was Timothy Drake-Wayne that went in after all. He didn't bring anything big while he snooped. He had some things, yes, but not for this level of FUBAR.

The BatFam are losing their minds. The world is saying Tim died on the island, since he didn't get off. Tim is struggling to find a way to get a message out. BatFam refuses to accept that Tim is dead until it can be confirmed.

And then.

And then the kids and Tim get the generators back on. And everything has gone to hell, but the power means Tim has a way to get something out. A way to hook into the network finally

It's not perfect. It involves him making trips to the faculty, and a LOT of tech-work so he can get these things routed properly, that he's not even sure are WORKING. And he can't leave the kids either- this island has tried to kill them all over and over again, he's not willing to let them wander around alone.

So he sends something like video diaries out, careful to maintain that he is a civilian trying to reach his dad, with six other kids surviving with him.

Bruce absolutely FLIPS when he gets the first video. Tim is front and center, looking like literal hell, blood smeared on his face, dirt and mud, a ruined set of dress pants, a stolen set of boots (because Timothy would have been in dress shoes for something like this, so he hadn't had his good shoes with him) an absolutely stained, ripped, and ruined dress shirt, smeared face, just- looking like he's survived dinos, and kept kids alive doing it.

Bruce cries. That's his boy. He's not dead. He's not dead. Oh God.

So Bruce gets an update, Tim talking about what happened, that he's not dead, he's surviving with six kids- who all pop into frame and frantically try to cram as much "NOT DEAD HI MOM AND DAD AND SIBLINGS" into the video while Tim is still trying to update everything.

And then the video ends with Tim's head- and six children's as well- all snapping to the side while there's a large echoing clank and the shadow of a dino. And the last image is Tim reaching forward to send the video out, hoping it gets through.

He takes a tablet hooked intot he system, and uses that to film various updates around the park while surviving. A sneaky update on what exactly the park has done, as well as continuous updates on their survival for their families. He has to trek back to the generator room to actually post these out but he's sending them.

The systems aren't great. Sometimes the videos go through a little glitchy, sometimes they get sent out of order. The uploading speed is shit, and occasionally corrupted videos go out due to a sudden need to stop or a flicker in power or any other number of factors.

But Bruce recognizing the chance to use the videos as proof that his kid is still alive- as are six other family's children, and he can bring this forward to get to the island quicker and by leagal means.

It's a huge thing in Gotham, Bruce Wayne's kid on this island surviving, These six kids he's helping. Their families all coming to Gotham to back Bruce on their crusade to get their kids out. Public pressure building as more and more videos go out, more and more people watch what they're going through.

They don't have to get themselves off the island. Bruce Wayne, their families, and public pressure all combine to get a rescue sent out to them. And sure it takes a little bit to get put together, but Bruce Wayne is funding it, and he will not rest until his son is home, until all of these kids are home.

The families all bond over the trauma of their children being on a death trap of an island. And the work to get them off of it. The relief they're ALIVE. The horror of what they'd gone through. The terror of not knowing if they're STILL alive. The fear-terror-hope of waiting for the next video update, hoping it's one that actually WORKS, that isn't corrupted or cut off cause of some disaster. The trauma of seeing their children on these videos, seeing the changes, and the rough surviving, of thinking your kids were dead only to find out NOPE they're in a historical horror of predator species that would eat them instead.

And Bruce knows Tim is capable. He knows he is. He also knows Tim would do whatever was necessary to get the kids home alive and whole.

And that? That's terrifying for Bruce. Because he knows Tim would jump in front of those kids to save them. His mind is running every worse case scenario through. He knows the (official) list of dinos that are in the park. He can imagine exactly how wrong an encounter could go. And then he gets the video updates of Tim and the kids explaining hybrids and the horror of THAT. So he's not even sure what the hell the kids are running into, and THEY don't even know, because they're could absolutely be more, so many more and-

And then you have Tim's brothers. His brothers who get the news he's presumed dead after the park goes wild and there's late videos and all kinds of things going live as survivors get off the island and into range of posting again, without access to JW's network. His brothers who all wait, all scared, all worried, for him to step off a ferry. Only he doesnt. Only he's one of many names presumed dead. And oh they aren't willing to leave it at that. The hero community is pushing for their ability to look into the park and what went wrong, but by all accounts- Tim is supposed to be dead.

And while they keep hoping, thinking, not without a body, and even still- there's every chance there ISNT one on an island full of dinosaurs. There's plenty of videos from those who escaped of paradactyls flying off with people, of various dinosaurs outside containment and the chaos and panic of it. Of deaths caught on camera and everything else. They're trying. But they're not even sure if-

And then Bruce gets the video. And they are right there with him in using the proof to get to the island faster, to save him, and the kids he's with, and just-

And there's HOPE and horror. Because he's alive! He is. But he's lost weight, and he's so obviously working to keep these six other children alive, and surviving and all the horror of that, and just-

It's such a mess.

But they are all there, every family, when they go and get the survivors.

There's tears and fierce hugs. And every kid has to introduce themselves to everyone's families. And every parent has to thank Tim for being there for their kids, for saving them, for not abandoning them for FIGHTING for them- because they all have stories.

And Tim did his level best to be there for these kids, to lead, to save, to keep safe. His very, very best. And the parents are so so thankful for it.

And if Tim meets each of his kids parents from the arms of a different family member (Alfred, Bruce, Dick, Damian, Jason, Cass, Duke, Steph, Babs...) the kids are happy to see Tim getting the support they couldn't give him, no matter how much they tried.

[dreamcaught]

There have been so many of these posts, and what looks like an entire website pretty much dedicated to this topic, but nevertheless here I am adding to the mix.

Thoughts on Buffy Season 6, Sex and Seeing Red

This is long and only kind of edited. Content warning below.

CW: Discussions of abuse, addiction, and rape.

Let me just start out by saying: Spike is my favourite character in Buffy. I love him completely. He is contrary and interesting and if there is anything I would do to improve the show it would be to add more scenes with Spike. But, unlike a lot of Spike girlies – and especially many of my favourite fanon creators – I don’t think Spike is out-of-character in Seeing Red. There are some serious problems with it, but I think it’s an important scene.

My reason for saying this comes from the claim that Buffy and Willow are the main villains this season. Well, no, to be fair: in season 6, the main villains of the show are the internal villains within the characters, specifically Buffy and Willow, expressed through their actions of addiction and abuse. The Trio is a red herring Big Bad; they’re pretty much just there to provide laughs and move plot. They’re not like the Master, or Angelus, or Adam, or Glory – there isn’t ever a “gather the troops, we’ve got an apocalypse on our hands” attitude toward defeating them… because they’re just human people, making human mistakes and causing human havoc. (Much like how Buffy and Willow would be if they weren’t already saturated in the supernatural.)

Buffy and Willow’s stories run parallel in this season. They are both dealing with the aftermath of Buffy’s resurrection: Buffy is majorly depressed to the point that she feels essentially soulless, whereas Willow is guilty to such degree that the only way she knows how to cope with herself is through control and the overuse of magic.

Tangent about Sex Because That’s How I Roll:

Before we go further to discuss this, just, briefly, let’s take note that this show does not do justice to sex. In both cases, Buffy and Willow’s “addiction” is to, essentially, use sex like a drug to (sort of) feel, but more accurately numb themselves. Buffy’s use of Spike is blatant, but we must remember that Willow and Tara’s first prominent romantic/sexual connections were initially all linked to their use of magic.

It’s made clear that this idea of magic = sex between the two is continued even in season 6, as exemplified in the Once More with Feeling song Under Your Spell lines: “You make me complete,” which are cut off at the most deliciously appropriate time – and if you haven’t noticed that until I’ve pointed it out here, then well done, you!

Here there is a bit of a problem I have with the show’s messaging because it’s essentially saying that sex is bad. Tara asks Willow to stop using magic (yikes, imagine asking your lover to please stop sexing so much, babe, it’s bad for you) – and at the same time, in the parallel story, Buffy feels the need to hide her sexual tryst with Spike because it’s wrong to want to feel good.

I think it’s important to note that Buffy isn’t really upset about it being Spike, specifically. She makes a big deal of saying that he’s “everything she’s supposed to hate” and “soulless” and “evil,” but Buffy had every opportunity to have this affair with literally anyone else – in fact, she could have very easily gotten her rocks off with a different, random person every night, but chooses to use Spike. And here we can move back to the main points –

Miscommunication

Buffy and Spike’s relationship is abusive, but hardly for the reasons they make it appear on the show. At this point, Spike is a soulless demon. That he doesn’t just kill her as soon as he realizes that he can hurt her is a testament to how much he loves her, despite this. But, because he is a soulless demon, he does try to take advantage of Buffy’s attention to him by trying to convince her that she should be with him. He plays on her fears of being soulless/evil/demonic. Other than trying to persuade her to stay with him, this is the full extent of Spike’s abuse of Buffy.

At no point in their physical relationship does Spike ever abuse Buffy’s consent.

Between Spike and Buffy is a travesty of miscommunication. Need I say again: Spike is a soulless demon. From the moment he realizes his feelings toward Buffy, he is constantly trying to figure out what she needs from him, because he simply does not understand. (“What’s it take?”) He actively tries to learn what Buffy wants and how to respond to her desires. From their passionate kiss in Once More with Feeling: “The day you suss out what you do want, there'll probably be a parade,” to literally his last lines of the show, “No, you don’t,” Buffy and Spike’s communication is the worst!

And this is all Buffy’s fault, by the way! She absolutely, stubbornly, resolutely refuses to talk – to most people! It’s practically a miracle that Spike understands Buffy at all – and to that end, I truly, fully, completely believe that Spike is the best partner for Buffy, simply because he’s the only one who does.

Their first time together, Buffy is verbally telling him it’s never going to happen while at the same time ripping off his clothes. At nearly every encounter between them during their affair, Buffy says it will never happen again, it will be the last time, it was the worst thing ever. These are outright lies, and Spike learns through conditioning to see right through them. When she says “Stop,” he doesn’t have to stop – because that is not what she means. He learns through the complicated, complex, contrary Buffy Talk what she actually wants and then proceeds to give it to her.

Up to Seeing Red, Buffy’s consent has always sounded like: “No.”

Buffy the Villain

Buffy has chosen Spike as her lover because he already loves her. He is emotionally invested in their relationship. He takes care of her. (“I can get money.”) She can be herself with him. (“I can be alone with you here.”) She is safe with him. (“Dawn is safe with Spike, so I can stay as long as you need.”)

During their affair, Buffy takes everything that she’s feeling about herself out on Spike. She calls him soulless, she calls him nothing, she says he’s empty; she beats him up, she kicks him out, she refuses his affection and forces him to hide his own. Spike takes it because he is loyal and in love with her, and this is the extent that Buffy abuses him. She conditions him to think that she can’t love him, she conditions him to think that saying “No” means “Yes,” she conditions him to think that her abuse of him is kinky and will lead to sex.

Buffy’s goal is only to feel something. She wants Spike to take advantage because it makes things a lot easier for her to deal with. If she says “No,” that means that she’s tried to stop him, despite it not being what she really wants or expects of him.

Because of this abuse, in a very real way, Buffy is the one who destroys the safety that Spike represented. Her abuse of him corrodes their trust, but she doesn’t know that. Buffy, despite denying it or acknowledging it, still believes in Spike’s loyalty. And not only that – by this point, Buffy has fallen in love with him. The bathroom scene in Seeing Red happens, in part, because she’s pushed Spike too far – and she’s not ready to admit to anything, because she refuses to acknowledge that she was an abuser.

The events of Seeing Red are the culmination of Buffy’s actions with the complete absence of honest communication. It is because she tells Spike to move on that he sleeps with Anya. It is because she expected his loyalty that Dawn talks to Spike. It’s because she trained Spike to do the opposite of what she says that he tries to connect with her physically to make her happy.

It is because she refuses to acknowledge not only her abuse of him, but also her love for him, that he chooses to show her instead. Because Buffy doesn’t talk – she only acts, and that’s what Spike tries to do, in the way that she taught him – from the start of their affair to the explicit events in Gone, all the way to this scene, Buffy has told Spike that sex is how to get close to her.

The Bathroom Scene

A lot of people have been traumatized by this scene. It is very difficult to watch, since we’ve got these two beautifully complicated people trying so hard to communicate and failing so badly at it. Buffy, finally, is saying what she means, but Spike can’t hear it. Spike is, as he’s been taught to do, servicing her to show her his devotion. These two people are in love with each other but are deeply hurt. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Buffy is hurt by Spike’s actions while he’s hurt by her words, since these are the languages they understand.

If done well, this scene could have been healing. They could have finally come together in grief of their broken relationship and tried to fix it to something healthier. But instead, they were using the scene to push Spike into getting a soul, so he had to go too far, and she had to say too much.

I don’t think that Spike is out of character. I think that both Spike and Buffy act exactly within their character consistencies. Spike would totally seek Buffy out if he thought she was hurting – especially if he had any hope at all that he was the cause of her hurt. Buffy would completely deny, deny, deny any emotional attachment to Spike and take no responsibility for having hurt him. She’s still stuck, here, projecting her own numbness onto Spike with the false idea that he can’t love because he’s soulless.

Because of the constant, completely screwed up ideologies within this show about sex (that sex is bad, that too much sex is bad, that kinky sex is wrong, etc.) and because of the cumulative events that arise from their abusive sex=closeness relationship, the only way they could think of to make it even worse was to escalate to rape.

I know why they did it, because it makes sense within the story of their physical affair. It’s The Worst Thing you can do to someone else. We have to remember that Buffy doesn’t care about being killed, because she sort of wants to die. Also, Spike would never want to kill her. The only other thing he might want to do is turn her, but, to Buffy, that’s the same thing as being killed. Since her belief is that a demon takes over the human host, she might even welcome being turned as much as she would welcome death.

But importantly: there is the significant and completely intentional reverse of their villainousness actions here. In this scene, Buffy can’t be the villain anymore. It doesn’t matter how much she’s abused Spike, it doesn’t matter that their relationship was murky and confusing. Because it is rape, the only villain is the person committing the act of rape.

Spike must be made the villain here because anything else is victim blaming. It was the only action the writers could take to give the title of villain back to Spike away from Buffy. Spike has to end this season being the Big Bad because he must absorb all the hurt, the pain and the soullessness that was entangled with Buffy and incorporate it into himself (“You think I like having you in here? Destroying everything that was me, until all that's left is you, in a dead shell. You say you hate it, but you won't leave.”)

He takes Buffy’s pain and heals them both by – after these events – getting his soul.

The Problem

The writing staff knew their characters (for the most part). They knew that Spike was soulless and needed something drastic to instigate his search of a soul. Hurting Buffy this way did make the most sense in the framework of their affair and in the framework of making sex akin to drugs. But attempted rape was too, too far for the viewers. Talking about sex is already difficult for society, especially at the time this show was made. Talking about and explicitly showing attempted rape caused trauma to viewers and made a lot of people turn away from the otherwise very beautifully complicated relationship between Buffy and Spike.

People against Spuffy use this scene as the ultimate fodder against Spike, but doing so is disrespectful to the story, the lore and the characters. Spike loved Buffy enough soulless, but she was only strong enough to accept that once he went out and got one. In addition to that – Buffy forgives Spike for what he did that day. She admits to her side of the abuse, acknowledges that what they had was real, and doesn’t blame Spike for his actions. This conversation exists in bits-and-pieces in the Buffy comics – it would have been incredible to see it on screen in season 7, but I guess by that point the writers didn’t want to bring it up again and had way too many other things to deal with (which is another topic altogether).

I like the bathroom scene in Seeing Red. I think it’s horrible, and raw, and terribly authentic. The portrayal of hurt and betrayal by both actors is one of the strongest scenes in the show. I do wish, though, that they hadn’t taken it quite so far.

My Problem

Season 6 of Buffy is my favourite season. It is powerful and painful. But, if I could change it, I would have changed the messaging that sex is bad, because it isn’t, and both Spike/Buffy and Willow/Tara deserved something better.

[faithinchances]

Hit me with more of Roy conned Jamie into being nice and City is mad about it. I remember the concept and am face pressed against glass!

The basics of the original concept from @jamiesfootball are that Roy accidentally puts Jamie on a niceness points system so they can be friends, wherein Jamie gets to be a dick once for every four times he does something nice, with plenty of shenanigans along the way and everything is fun and hilarious until Jamie gets sent back to City which is when I get to make it sad and dramatic (ie, Jamie spends his nice points on his teammates/Pep/everyone else at City, and his dick points on Sr with the predicted results)

Jamie is an asshole at Richmond, in a way which is pretty well on par with the people around him, except that the narrative frames them well and Jamie poorly. Isaac and Colin do the brunt of the on-screen bullying but we're supposed to blame Jamie because he laughs at it. Roy humiliates Jamie by framing his embarassment as the funniest thing Roy has ever seen except that it's okay because Jamie is an asshole. Ted yells at Jamie for being hurt and unable to train, which is cool because Jamie is "obviously" faking an injury to get back at Ted for benching him.

Basically everything and everyone kind of sucked.

Take him out of that and put him in a functional dressing room with a good coach and lower pressure overall, and I don't think Jamie would behave that way. I don't think he ever behaved that way at City.

So Jamie goes back to City, a place where he never was much of a prick to begin with (except to the opposition team, because that is part of the sport), and has a casual identity crisis in the back of every shot.

He is touch-starved, being very very good, and blatantly and obviously anxiety-ridden, and all of this in ways which he hadn't been the year before.

Someone: *gets tackled kind of rough by someone on the other team* Jamie: Pep put me on put me on I will break his ankles and restore our honour Pep: ... no... ... Jamie are you doing okay? Jamie: Yes Pep all is well and good, I am just using a nice point. Pep: I'm going to think about what that means some other time. Jamie on the inside: oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck

Meanwhile, Jamie is gradually racking up bruises, injuries, and sore spots because he is constantly pushing Sr's buttons so he can pretend that he's still 20% an asshole, and City desperately want to know what Richmond did to their previously nice, normal teammate for him to come back as this clicker-trained attack chihuahua.

(sidenote, I headcanon Jamie as struggling with statistics and numbers games. That he doesn't play FIFA because he worries about how wanting to maximize his ingame stats could negatively affect how he plays in real life. That the only person he's willing to take statistics from are the tactical scouts (a position at a club where you study the upcoming opponent to learn their strategies and tendencies to better prepare the players to face them) because he doesn't want to wind up maximizing his pass completion percentage by no longer taking good risks on through balls or crosses. He's a numbers guy in a way which is sometimes a problem, and is definitely a problem here.)

(a different sidenote, Roy's poor opinion of Jamie was probably a torpedo to his self-confidence. He probably always struggled with both, in some part due to Sr's abuse, but he worshipped Roy. And Roy hated him.)

Hence: an intervention.

Someone, either the captain group (football teams will have ~4 captains with an internal hierarchy, since there has to be a captain on the pitch but no one can actually play every minute of a season) or Pep, sits Jamie down for a chat about how concerned they all are about him and Jamie what is a nice point, what is a prick point, Jamie you were already nice. We already liked you. But right now you're scaring us. You're hurt. Jamie who are you using your prick points on. Jamie? Jamie?

[beesmygod]

i know an anon suggested ocd to you the other day, and i didn't see the original message but i know it was a bit fraught. but i am a longtime follower who has ocd who also thinks you may have ocd. and with the reblog you just did i'm like well, maybe i can say a little bit.

i've been sitting on sending a message for a long time because (1) trying to diagnose someone on anon is so fucking weird, i am very aware and ashamed of this weirdness in sending this to you, don't worry, (2) it seemed so obvious to me and you've already talked about other mental health issues and such that i was like "no, surely she must already know she has ocd and is just choosing not to talk about it (completely understandable, i don't do it on main), and then i would also be weird for forcing her to out herself".

the thing with morality-adjacent ocd is that a lot of the base thoughts, in a vacuum, are fine. if you hurt somebody some level of shame is good so you can reflect and correct your behaviour. caring about doing the right thing and refusing to do things that violate your principles is good. it's the intensity and all-consumingness of the thoughts that is the problem.

i mean i say morality but it applies to other ocd too. you should wash your hands and keep your place clean as much as you can, but obsessively avoiding contamination by washing your hands for half an hour straight... etc. it's ultimately egodystonic - it takes the thing you hate the idea of the most and convinces you that is what you really are.

like you are genuinely an admirably principled person, more than many, and it's good that you do the right thing instead of the easy thing. but your anguish about like, not contributing enough good to the world as a comics artist and things like that screams morality ocd self-punishment to me... and repeatedly talking about it feels like a confession compulsion. which i also have, kind of! i feel the compulsion *to* confess, but i don't, because if anyone forgave me or told me it wasn't a big deal they obviously haven't formed a sound judgment because (1) they are morally depraved themselves, (2) i didn't explain myself properly and they didn't understand why it's bad, (3) they're my friend and being more permissive with me because they like me, so they're too biased.

this was long, sorry. but you're a good artist and i like your work and i hate seeing you suffer like this. and if you really don't have ocd, well, i'm just another weirdo armchair psychologist anon vanishing into the void.

i appreciate this and thank you for being kind+brave enough to send this while medication juggling is really making me insane new ways. i have not been diagnosed w/ocd and only started kicking the idea around not too long ago when cornered by the inescapable nature of my thoughts/feeling, the fact that no one understands what the hell i'm ever talking about, and seeing signs of it in someone else very close to me. and i guess incidentally learning more about how it develops/is treated.

lol your bit abt internally responding to how ppl try to comfort your "confessions" rings very true. i never thought of my posts as confessions but like im desperately trying to get a hold on a reality that makes sense to me because when reality doesnt make sense, it feels perilous and fleeting. like, doesnt anyone else feel like this? why am i the only one who sees this? how am i supposed to understand what i'm supposed to be doing to live a life that isnt equivalent to a sewage drain that empties out into people's houses if i cant even understand whats happening?

[zaenaris]

Thinking about how Tenjiku was extremely painful but important for Koko and Inupi’s development and sub plot.

It was the moment where the worst fears of both of them emerged in very dangerous moment.

Inupi feared that Koko saw him only as Akane’s substitute and Koko feared that Inupi was using him for his own interest - the gang and money, since he’s good at making it - like everyone else, having internalized and accepted it was the only way to make amend for Akane’s death and that it was the only thing he was good at and that people needed him for.

Take into consideration both of them was thinking of saving the other:

when Mucho and Sanzu ambushed them, Koko had no choice in joining Tenjiku to save Inupi -and Takemichi-, (and it's not that just because Kakucho says to Takemichi that Koko "chose to be in Tenjiku himself" , that's how it went: it's obvious Koko was coerced and tried to do the best he could to help Inupi and himself given the situation: he was alone, he couldn't fight the whole Tenjiku alone), while Inupi wanted to be in Toman, under Takemichi’s division, because he saw that Toman is similiar to the original Shin's BLACK DRAGON and because he knew they wouldn’t have been used anymore, Koko in particular since he’s the “money maker”.

But Koko was so used to that life and to not consider his own wishes that he never reconsidered joining Toman, it wasn't the safest option. Koko had no attachment to any gang in particular, he cared about Inupi and his money making activities, therefore as long as Inupi wanted him in a gang, he sticked with him (we saw in the last birthday pic that Wakui draws for Koko, that middle school koko made business with the haitanis before being in the 10th gen BD, he clearly had his own illegal side activities unrelated to gangs-of course being in a gang helped with his business and of course when he was one of the executives of BD, that gave him also power and protection, but Koko always did what he did alone, before being in any gang) ;

but that time Toman was weak, meanwhile Tenjiku, even if it was the opposite of the gang Inupi wanted to belong to, was the safest option and a situation more similar the the 10th generation Black Dragon, where violence and profits were the norm; so Koko negotiated a place for Inupi if he’d joined Tenjiku, thinking it was the safest option.

Meanwhile Inupi was willing to fight to finally be free from that world. I am always so sad that Inupi's trauma is always so overlook and never directly addressed in the manga (undirectly it was, I mean joining a gang it's not a thing that you generally do when everything is fine in your life). Because Inupi

was saved by Koko when he was looking for Akane - and Inupi knows it, that's were the fear of being just a substitute for Akane comes from

sees Koko being desperate about trying to save her and blaming himself when she died anyway

is aware that his parents have financial problems after loosing the house and ofc they're a mess for Akane

some of these facts are in headcanon territory, but how could have Inupi have felt after her death? of course we see him crying and sad, but he's aware he's alive "by chance". How did this conditioned him? did he felt he wasn't supposed to be there? that his parents and koko didn't love him enough and would have preferred her instead of him - canonically we kow Inupi doesn't go home often -ch.157- and so we can assume he has not the best relation ship with his parents, which is understandable after such a tragedy; we know Inupi is grateful that Koko always followed him -ch.142-, which is the same Koko felt about Inupi -ch.252., but was Inupi grateful to be alive at all or he himself would have preferred to die? and his relationship with his late sister? he cries, he grieves, but then what? is there a part of him that sees koko so desperate for akane that, in an irrational moment, would like to be on the receiving end of all koko's attentions? does he get a closure? probably he does, but it's off screen.

At this point of the story, -Tenjiku arc- Inupi understood Koko's behavior, when he tried to talk about the whole situation (in the previous arc,when he asked Koko if he was still thinking about "the promise") and Koko denied, he never insisted because he knew Koko wasn't ready yet. Maybe Inupi, probably for narrative reasons, or maybe because that's how he is as a person, or maybe for some other reason that Wakui didn't explain, somehow manage to arrive to a point of self awareness, but in that moment, it was a complete chaos, and the insecurities and the communication problems that Inupi and Koko always had emerged and couldn't be contained and escalated the way we witnessed.

Even if they had the other’s well being in mind, but all their deepest fears came out in the worst moment and that lead to their break-up.

**spoilers for the end of the arc and their sub plot resolution in the final arc under the cut**

But even after their fight they still wished the best to each other, showing their genuine care even after what happened, because in the end, Koko wanted to be with Inupi, it's his conscience in Akane's form that "frees" him and allows himself to follow his heart and to stay with Inupi forgiving himself for something that wasn't his fault❤️‍🩹

[blackbird5154]

I'm here again to talk about my feelings. If you enjoyed the ghovie and find Ghost to be the fun hobby it was intended to be, this post is not for you, and everything said will probably seem like the bullshit of someone with huge psychological problems.

But that's what this is about.

I've been thinking a lot about why Ghost is pulling inward so much. First of all, it has a lot of catchy themes: sexuality, religious motifs (literally provokes worship), daddy issues, social issues. In fact, they cover a wide range of topics where people are very comfortable to put their projections in. I think I got all the hooks in at once.

Plus, specifically with Terzo - that possibility of resurrection. On the one hand, nobody promised us anything, so there's nothing to be offended about. On the other hand, all this looks like a powerful resurrection plan: they carry the coffins with them, Nihil was lifted, three candles, again, missing portrait in the office. Even a t-shirt that clearly exploits the theme of resurrection and revenge. And many, MANY mysteries and loose ends. I haven't seen any fandom where fan theories are such a powerful tradition.

We (Terzo's fans) have so many conflicting desires: we want him to come back, and at the same time we don't want it, so as not to spoil the impression. We believe in his coming back because of all these hints, and at the same time we forbid ourselves to believe, because every time they don't come true, and it hurts. These internal conflicts are exhausting.

I've noticed that it's like I'm forced to step on the throat of my desires all the time. I want - but don't want, I shouldn't want. I believe - but I don't believe, should not believe. And basically, you're trapped: you either forbid yourself to feel what you feel, or you give into your feelings, and then you get hit over the head with another disappointment. And it's a never-ending struggle with yourself.

Multiplied by hyperfixation, this takes on truly tragic proportions. It's already gone beyond the joke that Tobias would make it out to be. It's reminiscent of toxic relationships: what was supposed to be joyful is now only tormenting.

This post isn't about blaming Tobias for my psychological problems. The guy is just doing his content after all. This post is about a trend, a common problem I see in one form or another in myself and some people I know.

It's the flip side of infatuation that isn't commonly talked about in fandom. Hopefully I'll be able to do something about my feelings soon, but for now I think there's something wrong with this band, in the best tradition of the devil's craft. Like a worm consuming a rose. O Rose, thou art sick!

Am I sick?

Am I delusional, or does that make sense for anyone else?

[bitacrytic]

To be honest Bita, I think the show could have done a bit more with Joe being forced to work as a stand in again. Like linger a few times more on his hesitation to get back in the industry. A few people in the tags have also pointed out that there's a very lack of struggle of Joe in his new body.

What do you think?

Here I am with another unpopular opinion again, but hey. 🤷🏿‍♀️

I don't mind that he didn't struggle with being in a new body. I like that he sat in that hospital, realised that he was in a new body and adapted.

Joe adapts.

Have we seen him struggle with making any decision?

He wanted a guy who would only top so Joe agreed to bottom.

He found out the man of his dreams, the king of his nights, the seed of his soul, was in love with someone else and he immediately made up his mind to break up.

He woke up tied up and he decided to seduce his way out of that problem.

All those things sound unconnected until you realise that this man is a problem solver. He's only ever had himself to rely on. He's never had the luxury of sitting around and waiting for solutions. He sees a problem, finds the root and solution.

The very day that Joe found out he was blacklisted, he made up his mind to get that shady job. Because as far as he was concerned, Wut didn't have a better solution. He wasn't going to sit around and wait till something else showed up.

Now, it's a huge leap from solving mundane problems to just accepting that you're in a stranger's body.

But what else would he do?

I suppose the story could have had him kick up a fuss at the hospital till they put him in a mental ward. But I quite like that our protagonist, for once, used a cool head.

I have no issues with that at all.

Plus, I'm pretty sure he was too grateful to have a loving mother to be too freaked out about everything else.

As for going back to work, I ABSOLUTELY agree!

I wish we'd had at least an episode or two where he got to fucking breathe. I didn't like that he had to go back into the lion's den so soon.

I especially HATE that he's Tong's stand in again. So soon. I hate it.

Going back so soon is making me feel like Ming's grovelling will not last as long as we want it to. Pushing him back into Ming's or it was not what I envisioned for ep05. At least not until the preview clips started dropping.

I wish we'd had more time to explore Joe OUTSIDE of being a stand in.

As for looking for struggle in Joe's new body. Why? Why would anybody want this?

He's spent his first life in loneliness. He's come back to a loving mother who is sick and debt-ladden.

Why do we wish for more trouble internally when we know that so much is already going to happen externally?

Especially if the show is going to focus on Ming being a demon, do we really want Joe having mental breakdowns and identity crises in the midst of all that?

Please, it's a no for me.

I'd like him to have sexy struggles like the hot maniac who's obsessed with him.

But please keep any other emotional trauma avenues away from my baby. Thank you.