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Transgender Imposter Syndrome

Gender update #?

I used the phrase transgender imposter syndrome today. I have another genderqueer friend who I talk to every so often and we’ve been talking about hair lately. I have super thick curly dark hair. The place I used to go to get my haircut closed down last year. I think I used that as an excuse to just stop cutting my hair. I haven’t had a haircut in like 10ish months. Lately I’ve enjoyed the length because it’s more of an androgynous style. You look at me from the shoulders up from behind and I’m not sure you could tell what gender I look like. If I shave everyday I even look a little androgynous from the front although I do still present pretty much all masc out of laziness and survival seeing as the area I’m in isn't real kind to trans folks.

Anyway, my friend and I were talking about how we never had a stylized haircut until later in life. I always just had a buzz cut with the number 3-4 guard on until like 15. I never wore my hair curly until after I graduated high school and had my own money to buy products because my mother couldn’t afford the stuff that was good for my hair and had no idea how to keep curly hair healthy or style it. I’m constantly fighting with my hair. It’s just long enough to get in my eyes at this point and it’s a sensory nightmare. I really want to cut it but everyone tells me it looks really good. I get comments on my hair like 5 times a week from customers at work. I secretly love my curls but they’re so much work and I’m so tired. I’m also worried about looking to masculine if I cut my hair. 

Every so often I’ll slick my hair into a more “feminine” style just to see what it looks like and I don’t know if I’ve ever admitted it to anyone but one of those times I looked into the mirror and saw the girl I could never be. This is where the phrase transgender imposter syndrome comes into play. I don’t think I could ever see myself as anything but at least a little bit of a man. No matter how much I don’t want to be a man or don’t feel like a man I will always see a man when I look into the mirror. I hate that. How can I call myself nonbinary if I see myself that way? I feel like I’m soiling the trans identity.

I know there isn’t a right or wrong way to be trans. I know that your gender identity journey is going to be a lot of ups and downs. I know that it sometimes won’t make sense. I know that everyone's identity is valid. I know all of this I swear. My brain just won’t translate these things to include me into them. I’ll get there someday, maybe soon. ( I pulled this last line from a song called robert’s place by Simon Robert French. You should really go listen to this song. @simonrobertfrench)

[habeascorpseus]

when i was in 7th grade, i had my first boyfriend. corny shit, i know. in many cases i dont think middle school relationships are enough to be classified as dating- but to this day, i do firmly believe our clumsy attempts at recreating the behavior of couples barely older than us did count. there was an emotional connection there. we had met in 6th grade and bonded over fnaf and minecraft 3 animations and all those other things that people still found found entertaining in 2014.

another notable thing in 7th grade that happened was that i had discovered i was transgender. well, i say "discovered", but it was honestly a long time coming. between my obsession with being seen as a "tomboy," my favorite song on the Kidz Bop 16 CD being Beyonce's "If I Were A Boy" (but sung in a way to make it so much less about cheating that it really became more of a call to action to imagine life as a man) to the point where i manually would loop it on my cd player for hours, and my growing love for mlm shipping— i had been a certified egg since i was in 4th grade. but despite being raised around and parented with about a dozen lesbian and gay couples since birth, i didnt know whether or not my parents were transphobic or not. so, after looking through a list of trans identities, i decided to just come out as genderfluid to my parents as sort of a compromise to the intimidating rigidity of being a trans boy. and even though it wasn't entirely fitting to what i'd ultimately figure out about myself, i grew pretty attached to it.

back to the middle school boyfriend.

at the end of 7th grade— like, a week before summer vacation— i publically came out as genderfluid. while my ex, who i will from now on refer to as Lou, had initially taken it well, albeit with some confusion, over the summer, a much different series of feelings began unfolding. unfortunately, as middle school boys are wont to do whenever one of them begins to act even slightly against the norm, his friends began asking him if he was gay. "if michael¹ is a boy sometimes, does that make you straight, or bisexual?" are some of the things i later heard them ask. and since i, phoneless till the age of 16, was unable to talk to him throughout this relentless picking apart of his own identity, by the time we got back to school, things were... different.

¹ Michael is the name i went by irl for 3 years from 7th-9th grade.

for one, there were the jokes. he was a big leafy fan (and i really did try even back then to steer him away from that but its hard when youre a cringe nerd middle schooler) and back then "attack helicopter" jokes were kind of all the rage, so he began jokingly identifying as a toaster. then he made a toaster mask out of a cardboard box, spray paint, and duct tape that he brought to school and began putting on whenever i walked by him in the hallway. and then, and possibly worst of all- a simple html website shared between his friends called "what gender is Michael today?" which lead to a random generator of options like, "boy", "girl", "toaster", and "attack helicopter." all of which is kind of a lot to deal with when youre a middle schooler with a pretty rough time of it already, and suddenly your main bully is the guy youve effectively been in a relationship with for 6 months.

and now you may be asking: hey habeas, why this sudden autobiographical deep dive into the most traumatic period of your life? what spawned this? how is this story relevant to literally anything going on? well, that's where the next part of the story comes in.

that year, our sex ed teacher was a 5ft transgender man named Mudd. Mudd had a buzzcut, and a higher pitched voice, and small hands, but beyond all of that, there was nothing visibly different about him than any other boy or man in the school. in fact, the boys thought he was cool as hell. they were fascinated by the idea of transformation of the self into an unrecognizable body. they never misgendered him, even after learning his status as a trans man. in fact, they were comfortable enough around him to be transphobic towards me. and Mudd, like a good trans mentor, told them to cut that shit out, and told me that regardless of how complicated and occasionally contradictory my identity was, it was still me, and i needed to stand up for who i was as a person.

a week later, Lou called me a tranny, and in response, i punched him in the nose and promptly stopped talking to him.

so again, why is this relevant? well, I'm not sure how terminally online (or specifically, on twitter) some of you are, but recently there's been a bit of a tiff in a certain fandom about bi lesbianism. specifically, how it, as an identity, is harmful to both the bisexual and lesbian communities. which, one: nooooo....??? bisexuality and lesbianism arent separate so much fraternal twins, and I've already talked too much to include further definitions to prove it. but my argument is really less about its validity as an identity and more about the principle of there being limits to acceptance, even within our community.

like with my experience, people were fine when they were faced with binary identities. a trans man like mudd is cool, or a trans girl like Jazz Jennings (we watched a lot of I Am Jazz in homeroom) could be seen as normal, and more so, inspiring. but when i came in with an identity people found to be contradictory or "too confusing," it resulted in backlash. the entire definition of being "queer" is to be abnormal to what general society finds acceptable, and even then, some things are "too weird" to be tolerated. even amongst "weird" people. which i find to be a pretty troubling trend amongst queer leftist young people who's only real experience with an "lgbt community" has been online. here, we prioritize and find catharsis in labels and categories to the point where the "queer community" has become instead split between identities- the gays, the lesbians, the bis, the transes, the aros and aces and the whatnot. in the real world, it doesnt matter what flavor of queer you are, nobody's going to stop and ask before they call you a groomer and then legislate your freedom away. which is why we, as an online queer community, have to get rid of the notion that some identities are "too contradictory" or "dont exist" enough to be worth giving support and love.

im saying all this here... because, well, one: nobody wants to read a 40+ tweet thread about my personal brush with irl homophobia and how that radicalized me against community separation in general, and two: i am deeply afraid of 14 year olds on twitter with too much time on their hands. but also im saying this because it was infuriating yesterday to watch my entire twitter feed suddenly turn into a puritanical campaign against the very concept of someones identity and have the ability to say nothing. it disgusted me how quickly we turn against our own simply because the way they are is confusing to our tiny fucking peanut brains. and i know none of those people who went on that tirade will read this, but i felt like it needed to be said anyways.

don't let society's impulse to ostracize the confusing and strange win out over human decency. don't do conservatives' strategy to divide and conquer us for them. a person's identity not being comprehensible to you is not inherently an attack on who you, yourself, are. you are your identity and you should stand up for it, and you should stand up for others' identities too. punch your bullies in the nose.

long live the confusing, the contradictory, and most importantly, the queer.

[period-of-nocturne]

PJSK x "I woke up in X body instead of mine" featuring VBS and Mizumafu (Minoharu could also be pretty funny)

Pretty long post below

VBS because the four of them tend to idealize their respective partner. They all spend their time thinking they're not good enough and wishing they could be like aibou. Akito has a whole damn song talking about how he feels he's falling behind and that song mentions TheMoon (DerMond) and Winter. Toya also mentioned feeling like he finally reached Akito's level in SBD after Period of Nocturne, when we know all this time Akito already felt not-good-enough. Kohane look up to An since the second they met and An is so self-explanatory that I won't even elaborate.

So thinking of them waking up in their respective partner's body one day is just hilarious. They would get panicked, confused, maybe try to reach out to their team or maybe not. And then I think their first thought would be to try singing with their aibou voice. Out of curiosity, old habit because they have to practice no matter what, but also because they can finally live the dream. They wished they were more like aibou so much all the time and now that wish is granted.

But I also want to see them hit walls and get stupidly stuck. Makes stupid mistakes. Trying to sing like they usually do and realise it sounds off. And getting frustrated and wondering why only to come to the realisation that their voice is the opposite of Aibou's one and that singing the way you usually do with their voice won't do. And that it goes both way. So it finally click on their mind that their voice is unique and that they both complete each other. That they don't need to become like the other but to become themselves at full power to support Aibou.

You also need to wonder about their family's reaction. Kohane would maybe tell Ken directly while An would make a pathetic attempt at pretending to be Kohane. Toya would act too much like himself, leading Ena to wonder WHY IS MY BROTHER SO NICE TODAY IS HE SICK ?? And Akito would be stuck in a nightmare when he's forced to stay calm and composed to not cause Toya problem when deep inside he truly wants to start a fight with this stupid old man who practically ignores him.

Meanwhile Mizumafu

In one word : transgender.

Because I love Transmasc Mafuyu (tho I've been thinking about transfem Mafuyu lately. They have no sense of identity so any variation of gender can be applied to them and it's fascinating--- ahem.)

Transmasc Mafuyu totally unaware of it and... Mizuki. Being Mizuki.

Mizuki waking up, (At Kanade's house or at Mafumom one. Up to what you want to do.) confused, before getting euphoric because they're in a female body and it's the most freeing feeling ever.

Mizuki five seconds later realising Mafuyu is in their body and getting close to a panick attack.

Mafuyu waking up confused and only getting even more confused. Messaging herself (Mizuki) and straight out asking what the heck does that mean (I'm so sorry Mizuki it's angst time for you)

Mafuyu starting to realise it's weirdly comfortable and in true Mafuyu fashion bluntly wondering why Mizuki is trying so hard to hide it and look cute so much

Mizuki dressing up extra-cute in Mafuyu's body while Mafuyu didn't gave a fck and. Maybe tied their hair as usual but just picked the most basic clothes Mizuki has and that's it. (They both stare at each other in horror when they met. "What have you done with my body ??? That's not how I'm supposed to look!". It's funnier with Kanade witnessing it)

And there's probably a lot you can do with Mizuki in Mafuyu's body at Mafumom's house but I struggle to imagine it. Overall I wonder which of those two would act like the other the best (Mafuyu is used to pretend and act but not in a Mizuki way and vice-versa. But they're also both scarily good at grasping eachother, I think.)

Ena : Why is no one acting like usual today is it a prank and no one told me ??? (Except if you go crazy and swap KanaEna.)

And MinoHaru is self-explanatory as well. Minori waking up and going like "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I BECAME HARUKA-CHAN OH MY GOD IT MUST BE A DREAM." Funnier if they haven't met yet btw. Haruka waking up in her number one fan body, no clue who's that but it gives her a day when no one will perceive her and if it's after she quit she'd most likely appreciate it.

Until she see herself trip on the ground in front of people or something.

And now that I think about it, I think ShizuAi also has that 'I wish I were you' trope at the start of the game... ShizuAi swap... Mmmh....

Project Sekai and his duo pairing in each team really gives room for those kind of thoughts.

I don't know about l/n and WxS. But what about l/n and WxS swap. Shiho waking up in Tsukasa's body, living the dream. Or dumb stuff like this. Honami and Emu. Nene and Saki. Ichika and Rui. Everyone swaps in way that feels painfully wrong and chaotic.

Because if you swap Tsukasa and Saki they can just pretend to be the other super easily. Same with Shiho and Nene. And it's at the same time way funnier and way more boring.

Ichika and Honami are doomed, tho.

[kanmom51]

I don’t mean to sound harsh with some of the people upset about his tattoos but I have to genuinely wonder how some people actually thought there would be a day that jungkook would say to thousands/millions of ARMY on live that his J stood for his band mate, one that a sizable amount of people think he is dating, I mean let’s be for real. Too many people expect them to act like a couple that isn’t in some pretty wild circumstances. I know we miss them but I would hope that main thing we got from his live was that he is genuinely resting for the first time in probably his whole time as an idol. He has grown his hair, something he has always wanted to do and kissing his dog and just being his adorable self. I could only watch the first hour before I had to go to work so I have about 3 hours to catch up on lol but like I do wish some jkkrs could just be happy with whatever content we get lives or prefilmed and enjoy content regardless of jikook crumbs or not. I mean we got a Vibe cover by JK how can we be disappointed.

I think many were really devastated by him debunking the army are the members theory, and are clinging to his J is for JK like super glue.

Because they know, deep down, that there is no way that JK could come clean if it was put there over the M for JM. And at the same time they also know very well there is no real logical explanation for JK to put the J (meaning JK) over the M if not for the JM.

So they play dumb on the one hand, but turn aggressive toward us for saying it as it is:

That JK ain't no dumb ass that does things without thought, and happened to place the J above the M without noticing the JM all loud and clear.

Yeah-nah.

This constant underestimating JK and his intelligence, ugh.

The man that showed us loud and clear what JM stood for for him.

He's the one that wouldn't notice it on his hand, when he decided to place it in that exact place (his ring finger above the M), on the special visit he made to the tattoo artist to add the J to the already existing ARMY on his hand...

Me taking a big breath and moving on to the next infuriating thing...

JK was adorable talking about Vibe, singing it, knowing JM's lyrics to a T. And yet every single thing this man does is twisted.

He just can't do right by this fandom.

And the latest joke I heard today was those so scared of admitting JK knew Sam Smith's Unholy, like knew the whole song and 'unholy' clip, that they stoop to convincing themselves that he doesn't actually know the song, not really, it's what he's seen on Tiktok, that's it.

So, for those jokers, if by any chance they are here in my space reading these lines, a gift from me to you:

Enjoy!!!

I can assure you that JK sure did!!!

Enjoy it, that is.

Stop underestimating JK.

Stop insulting his intelligence.

JK knows the song.

He knows who performs the song.

Sam Smith, who identifies himself as non-binary and genderqueer, and Kim Petra, a transgender woman.

Kim Petra, who happens to be the first transgender woman to ever win a Grammy.

I was so sad BTS didn't get that coveted prize, but if to lose, well there is NO ONE else I would have rather lost to.

To sum it up:

A big chunk of this fandom is ugh.

JK is adorable and intelligent and knows what he's doing.

We love him to bits.

[herrlindemann]

Sonic Seducer - July 2015, interview with Till and Peter

Youth-threatening Teutonic Roc bogeyman for some, almost cult-like revered New German Hardship light figure for others: In the development of German-language music, no one has polarized the masses to an even remotely comparable extent as Rammstein singer Till Lindemann and his troupe. After firing on all cylinders at the boundaries of good taste with his infamous cult formation over the last two decades and, at the same time, mastering the rise to become the most successful local rock act, the notorious industrial metal oddball is now also catching up with his English-language solo project 'Skills In Pills' dirty grin for the next general attack on morals and customs.

He almost took part in the Olympic Games as a competitive swimmer in the early 1980s; After his apprenticeship as a basket maker, Till Lindemann has been one of the most controversial singers and lyricists in the German-speaking music landscape since the end of the 90s at the latest. Someone for whom nothing and no one is obviously sacred: a devious pyromaniac who sets himself on fire on stage while he loves to talk about taboo topics that grab headlines such as necrophilia, cannibalism, drug abuse or sex in all love and life situations. Hot iron in the truest sense, some of which can also be found on Lindemann's solo debut: On 'Skills In Pills' the Berliner has teamed up with his long-time friend and Hypocrisy/Pain mastermind Peter Tägtgren, who combines Lindemann's darkly erotic adult fairy tale with the corresponding atmospheric, hard industrial -Metal substructure supports. Till Lindemann and Peter Tägtgren in a not always entirely serious conversation about pill madness, bizarre fetishes and failed family planning.

The lyrics on 'Skills In Pills' are quite controversial and will definitely make headlines here and there. Will the record also be released in English-speaking countries and available there in a clean version?

Till: The record will be released worldwide. I don't know yet if some songs might need to be toned down. Maybe we need to change the word cunt to aunt. With Rammstein it's almost a kind of tradition that people are always indignant. I'm already used to it. This time it will certainly not be worse than with Rammstein.

With English-language texts throughout, this time there may even be worldwide scolding! Is it at least a little intentional to piss off the audience with such offensive lyrics?

Till: No, it just happens. The lyrics arise as they arise, not out of any need to stand out or piss off anyone. Even if I wanted to express it in a different way, it always only comes out the way people know it from me (laughs). I can't do anything about it. There's always a wink somewhere in my songs. If people don't understand the humor, there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not forcing anyone to buy the record.

Is it important to you today that your humor is understood?

Till: Until about ten years ago, it wasn't important to me that I was properly understood. It was important to me what people thought and how they perceived me. Today I'm more relaxed. Not to say: I don't care at all whether people understand me correctly.

Peter: If you don't understand the humor on this album, then you have a serious problem. Everything on this record can of course be understood with a grin. In my opinion there is a really brilliant artist behind it who can juggle words very well. There are also some serious songs like ‘Home Sweet Home’ which is about cancer. But the majority of them like ‘Cowboys’ or ‘Golden Shower’ are really not serious. Funny adult stories.

Can you identify 100 percent with the lyrics?

Peter: Absolutely. I think every man can do it. Maybe not necessarily complete with the lyrics of ‘Golden Shower’; Personal preferences tend to differ. But the rest has a really good sense of humor.

And maybe the transgender song 'Ladyboy' doesn't mean you?

Peter: I hope not!

Till: You have no idea...

Do you ever wonder what's going on in Till's head?

Peter: Sometimes, but if I'm honest, I don't really want to know. I see what he's singing about. Maybe some things shouldn't be said at all.

Till: It was such an intense time. Peter knows me extremely well now.

The album sounds like a lot of fun in the studio - like a real man's record.

Peter: Oh yes, I can only confirm that. We really had a good time while working on the songs.

How did the recordings go? You both are known as passionate party makers who like to have a blast!

Till: (laughs)

Peter: It wasn't that intense. Both of us can definitely handle a beer or two and a few whiskeys on top of that. Let's put it this way: first comes work, then comes pleasure. We can both be very disciplined when it counts. We share the attitude that you shouldn't waste time unnecessarily, but rather get things done as quickly as possible and then celebrate properly.

Which of you can tolerate more?

Peter: We haven't tried that yet, but we'll find out. We tried to drown our new record label. The result was that I was the first one down.

How would you describe Till? His strengths, his weaknesses?

Peter: A guy with a million ideas. So far I have always been the driving force in my projects - this time it was a very nice feeling that someone else took the reins. I think Till is more determined and ambitious than me. I think we complement each other quite well. We didn't have to fight each other in the studio to impose a certain opinion, but we could always agree on what was best for a song.

Till: Peter compensates for my weaknesses with his strengths. We are like plus and minus. And vice versa. But it works really, really well. Peter played all the instruments. All I had to do was finish my lyrics, travel up to his studio and sing everything. I would consider my use of words to be my greatest strength. Peter and I are the so-called perfect match.

What was the most difficult part of creating this album?

Peter: Everything except the lyrics and the music! The songs basically composed themselves. Then of course there is the ugly side, which no longer has anything to do with the music and is all about business. That's always the moment when it starts to get annoying. That was a real downer. Lindemann was originally planned as a purely leisure activity, as a kind of holiday hobby or perhaps as group therapy. We couldn't have known at the beginning that everything would degenerate like this and develop into a big thing. People caught wind of it and everything got bigger and bigger from then on. We are both artists, we prefer to have nothing to do with the business side.

Were there big discussions about the pieces?

Peter: Actually everything went pretty smoothly, but there were still some tracks that were pretty hard to crack and that neither of us were really happy with for a long time.

Till: Peter is this type of real metalhead who always has a guitar in his hands and is constantly strumming something to himself. Fortunately, he had no intention of including any solos in the songs. I hate solos. Right from the start he was really thundering on the guitar - I even had to rein him in a little at times. I'm more of a gothic person: atmospheric keyboards, slow bass and everything a little more atmospheric. Pianos, strings… Peter can arrange that very well too. Nevertheless, I sometimes had to cool down his metalhead spirit a little so that a song could develop in a relaxed manner.

No disagreements regarding content at Lindemann?

Peter: Few. Of course I have a different musical background than Till. But the more songs we wrote together, the easier it became. At some point something clicked and we understood what we wanted and how we needed to go about it.

Aren't you worried that your collaboration with Till will be held against you in tight-knit metal circles?

Peter: No, absolutely not. When you start making music young, you feel like you have to fight everyone and everything to prove yourself. Today I don't have to prove anything anymore, I just do what I want. If I get the idea to record a blues album, then I record a blues album. You should only listen to what you want to do yourself and not pay attention to what others might think or expect of you.

Till, did you ever feel like you had to prove yourself with Rammstein? Rammstein appeared so confident right from the start.

Till: Every young artist feels like they have to prove themselves. You're always under a certain amount of pressure to improve from time to time. Even today. We certainly exude a certain self-confidence. But this is not God-given, but is based on many different creative processes.

You recently explained in an interview that you would have liked to hide in the early days of Rammstein and found your role as frontman rather unpleasant. Seems like you've gotten used to being the center of attention.

Till: I'm actually not that concerned with being in the spotlight or the focus. With Lindemann I'm just fulfilling this agreement, which was filled with a lot of Jägermeister, to do a joint project with Peter at some point. Originally I just wanted to record a song and put it online. Peter said he would like to write a whole album together. Then we started working on the next track and after a short time we had five pieces finished. So we thought about an EP. But then we had so much fun that we worked on more pieces. It just bubbled out of us.

In your opinion, do you communicate different things in English today in a different way than you would in Rammstein or in German?

Till: I haven't thought about that yet.

Peter: For me it's easier to express myself in English than in Swedish. Even if I'm talking to a Swede! Sometimes you just use English terms because you can express things quicker and easier than in your native language.

Would you also sing these lyrics in German?

Till: No, definitely not. My message from the start was: If I ever started a side project, it would definitely not be in German. That would be too much competition and friction with Rammstein. Rammstein is Rammstein, Lindemann is in English and I feel extremely comfortable with that. At first I wasn't so sure whether I should actually do it because my English isn't very good and you can still hear the German in me.

Peter: I said from the beginning that I found his pronunciation very appropriate. The rawer and edgier, the better. It would sound very strange if Till Lindemann sang the lyrics in perfect, slurred American instead of his rolling pronunciation. That wouldn't be Till.

Instead of English, you learned Russian at school in the old GDR - would an album in Russian also be conceivable?

Till: It would definitely be a challenge. I probably couldn't do it off the cuff, but would need to brush up on some things and need someone to help me with the lyrics. But an album in Russian is conceivable. Maybe even very soon! It would also be worth considering making a record in many different languages such as French, Spanish, Italian etc. I speak a little Spanish. We've already done Spanish songs with Rammstein.

Your first attempts at non-German were with Rammstein. Have you already tested what it would sound like?

Till: The record company back then wanted us to do “Du hast” and “Engel” in English. Why we did ‘Pussy’ and ‘Amerika’ in English is a mystery to me today.

What did you discover about your artistic abilities while working on ‘Skills In Pills’?

Till: I was very surprised that everything worked out so well. Before our project, I listened to Richard's [Kruspe, Rammstein guitarist] album. We are both from the East. Richard fled before the Berlin Wall came down. We met in Berlin sometime after the fall of the Berlin Wall, before he moved to New York. Suddenly he spoke English fluently and also started making music in English. I really admired that. Above all, I admired his courage in taking this step. And it was a big step from a boy from a small town in East Germany to suddenly making English-language music in New York City. I was proud of him and wondered if I could do the same. But it was crystal clear to me that I would sing in German for the rest of my life. Because people like it. There were many voices who asked that Rammstein never sing anything in English.

People have always wondered about your texts, how much autobiography there is in them. This also applies to the new, sometimes quite revealing to coarse lyrics like 'Ladyboy', 'Golden Shower' or 'Fat'.

Till: A lot. I don't have anything more to say about it. I don't want to explain the lyrics too much.

Is writing a form of self-therapy for you?

Till: It's definitely a good thing. Sometimes it feels good to talk about certain things. Not always, but in certain situations. When someone very close to you dies, it can be very liberating to write about it. When you wrap it up in music as beautiful as Peter's, of course it's all the more beautiful.

What are the lyrics to the title track of ‘Skills In Pills’?

Peter: Of course it's about this society in which people pop a different pill for every occasion: one to sleep, one to stay awake, one for a headache, one to last longer. Pills, pills and more pills. At the same time, you condemn drugs, but you don't count all these pills, while they are almost as addictive and just as harmful. Of course, a headache pill isn't comparable to coke, heroin or marijuana, but at the end of the day they're just drugs.

What is your favorite pill?

Till: The blue one (laughs).

You've already caused a stir with your first outtake 'Praise Abort' - a single about the 'blessings of abortion'. You obviously like making enemies!

Peter: Definitely our families. But seriously: all people who feel offended by this text should get in line! But that's just the way it is: Some people don't really think about it before they start a family. You may have never heard of condoms or other forms of contraception, bang all day and end up sitting with a whole bunch of kids. Then the woman cheats and everything goes down the drain. You're kind of digging your own grave.

Till: Some people are really irresponsible with their children. They want children, but don't know how to raise them, how to teach them things and prepare them for life. And in the end there are only freaks running around outside, as you can often see.

[bodybeautifulbymills]

David Bowie

Bowie never laid out any definitive labels for his gender or sexuality. He walked back his statement to Watts by telling Playboy he was bisexual in 1974, then later in Rolling Stone he declared he had been heterosexual all along. But he never owed us an explanation.

Sukita, M. (1977). David Bowie by Masayoshi Sukita.

David Bowie embodied the fictional character of “Ziggy Stardust” for only about 18 months circa 1972-1973. Yet it’s usually an image of that garishly made up, flamboyantly dressed androgynous creature adorning t-shirts when one thinks of the musician.

While he might have not realized it at the time, Bowie, who died on Jan. 10 after an 18-month battle with cancer, anticipated today’s continuing gender binary dialogue. Besides leaving behind an impressive body of music that rarely was commercial (“Let’s Dance” a notable exception) and mostly experimental, perhaps Bowie’s greatest achievement was opening people’s minds to sexual identity expression.

He clarified his sexuality in a 1993 Rolling Stone interview: “I think I was always a closet heterosexual. I didn’t ever feel that I was a real bisexual. It was like I was making all the moves, down to the situation of actually trying it out with some guys … The irony of it was that I was not gay. I was physical about it, but frankly it wasn’t enjoyable. It was almost like I was testing myself. It wasn’t something I was comfortable with at all. But it had to be done.”

www.youtube.com. (n.d.). David Bowie talks about his sexual orientation. [online] Available at: https://youtu.be/zZdNxKkMiRE?si=mEy8vl-7qHy3yTns [Accessed 25 Sep. 2023].

‌He married his first wife Angie in 1970, and she gave birth the next year to their son “Zowie,” and proudly co-parented him during his toddler years. Angie, who he divorced in 1980 at which time David gained sole custody, claims responsibility for his feminine fashion style.

Bowie appeared to be giving fellatio to Mick Ronson’s guitar as he kneeled, gripping the musician’s buttocks, an iconic rock image if there ever was one.

1979 on Saturday Night Live he wore a military uniformed skirt. His backup singers were Klaus Nomi and Joey Arias – dressed in drag. Bowie’s music video for his ironically titled, hysterically funny “Boys Keep Swinging” and its trick cinematography featured himself as his own backup singers, as three different female personas.

Indeed, Lady Gaga learned from Bowie how to get media attention by being outrageous in what she says and what she wears (e.g., dresses made of meat and condoms), was appropriately selected to pay musical tribute to Bowie with a four-song performance at this year’s Grammy Awards in February.

More than five years ago she nearly broke the Internet, regarding a social media rumour that she had a penis: “My fans don’t care if I’m a man, a woman, a hermaphrodite, gay, straight, transgendered, or transsexual. They don’t care! They are there for the music and the freedom. This has been the greatest accomplishment of my life – to get young people to throw away what society has taught them is wrong.”

Segal, C. (2016). David Bowie made androgyny cool, and it was about time. [online] PBS NewsHour. Available at: https://www.pbs.org/newshour/arts/david-bowie-made-androgyny-cool-and-it-was-about-time.

[littleapocalypsekitten]

Random thought about shoving lifestyles in people’s faces.

So, i followed an email-link to Quora when I got online today.  Someone had asked “As a Republican, do you support LGBTQ+ rights?” For the record, I’m not a Republican, but since I follow a couple of political spaces for farts and giggles I get email-links like that.  

Reading through the answers people gave was predictable.  Lots of “No, I believe everyone has rights, but these people want special rights” and so forth.  A lot of people being “Marry who you want, but I don’t believe in transgender and I’m not going to call people by names and pronouns that don’t match their biological sex” and people going “What rights don’t they have?” and claiming that laws won’t be enforced against people doing what they want (by the historically ignorant), and even some Gay Republicans chiming in about how they’re gay, but not “woke” and don’t agree with trans people being a thing...  A lot of it was “I’m okay with people who don’t make it their entire identity” and “Don’t shove your lifestyle choices in my face!”  I’d given thought to asking some of these people “What if you, as a cis person, hate your given name and much prefer a nickname or are in the process of legally changing your name because you don’t like the one you were given?’  i was thinking of saying “What if someone’s parents named them Adolf or Benedict and they really wanted that changed and couldn’t get the legal stuff through right away because it’s actually hard to do that, and so they ask their friends and family to call them Addie or Ben or Max or something... if their ‘friends’ insisted on continuing to call them Adolf or Benedict, but not in jest, but because tHaT’s uR GiVen nAAAme!’ - if you were that person, you’d probably not be their friend anymore, would you?”   Ultimately, I decided that it was futile to argue, given the crowd.  You pick your battles in life and sometimes you have to let a mess of bigots be a mess of bigots when you know you’re outnumbered and don’t have the energy for a fight.  

(For the record, I’m also cis-gendered, but I know what basic respect is.  I also sometimes use the wrong public bathroom, if empty, because I have a small bladder, kidney problems and little respect for the useless laws of either Man or God).  Anyway, I then got to thinking of something that is shoved in our face culturally all the time that we’re all conditioned to just accept without question: 

Religion.  Specifically various shades of Christian religion in the U.S.  Here is where I’m weird - I’ve been various shades of Christian during different points in my life.  I used to be an obnoxious conservative-Christian when I was just getting my feet wet in it, was a teenager, and the mental illness I had that lead to a certain kind of mania was undiagnosed.  (No, I do not think reLIgiON iZ a MenTaL ilLnEsS! I just understand how certain aspects of common dogmas and the ways of certain people and religious fears synched up with my vulnerability for a time).  Having mellowed out / gotten treatment and experienced much more of the world and of people, I’m a Progressive Christian now, Universalist, one of those weird Lefty-Christians that the hardcore U.S. Real True Christians thinks of as a heretic and I am openly quite Agnostic, too. The point I’m trying to make is that I am not entirely hostile to Christianity, as I still am attached to a form of it (the dreaded Socialist Jesus, I guess), do celebrate Christmas (in a kind of curmudgeony, Grinchy way), and yet I’m secular enough to be annoyed at the very “in your face” of it all within the culture.  Very annoyed.   I’ve been working at a fast food restaurant for almost two years now.  From the week BEFORE Thanksgiving to the New Year, the music system at work, pumped over the loudspeakers for the customers and that which must be experienced by the employees who are there for hours on end - Christmas music.  Specifically Christmas music.  There were, of course, a few “just winter” songs (I have a mortal vendetta against “Let it Snow” now because the system had at least 5 different covers and they’d play almost back to back and GOD I HATE THAT SONG IT MELTED MY BRAIN MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP!!!) But... a lot of the songs?  Very religious. 

Listen, American Christians, you are NOT persecuted when “Mary Did You Know?” is playing at the Wendy’s.  Seriously, Ave Maria, We Three Kings, Little Drummer Boy (yes, I lose the contest every year, all retail and food workers do), very VERY religious songs, all celebrating the birth of the guy that a specific portion of the world’s population thinks was an incarnation of God...  And it’s like, yes, that stuff is everywhere.  Every grocery store, every shopping center, EVERY FUCKING WENDY’S.  It’s on my mind because it’s about to happen again and we are not allowed to wear earbuds at work to play our own music (so no “The Night Santa Went Crazy” by Weird Al for me to soothe my nerves with the funny for me).  

And how is that not shoving a specific religion in everyone’s faces?  And this is culturally-accepted.  It is “usual,” the status quo. 

No matter how many retail workers, even those who are actually a part of the religion FRIGGING HATE IT BECAUSE WE CAN’T GET AWAY FROM IT BEING EVERYWHERE EATING OUR EARS AND BRAINS!  And people are soooo concerned that some little kid reading a book about a couple of boy penguins who raised an egg together (no mention of penguin-sex, just “Look, they adopted an egg in need!’) or Oreos making rainbow-filled cookies to attract capitalism-dollars or someone mentioning having a same-sex partner or someone wearing rainbow shoelaces... I guess that’s “shoving it in everyone’s faces!” and “Begging for special rights!’  Meanwhile, “Mary Did you Know?” is playing at the Wendy’s.  Where nothing is worshipped but money and grease, while you get your bacon-loaded heart-attack burger.    I can’t even with this country sometimes.   (And asexuality doesn’t make you immune.  Someone on the thread mentioned existing as an asexual and got told “I don’t want you telling sex-stuff to children even if you don’t have sex!”)  Like, okay.   Makes me feel like Trans-folk are the boogeymen du jour as “just gay” is becoming more accepted but the bigots want license to bigot.  I guarantee we aces are next on the chopping block.  You know, “How dare we not make kids?’ and “We must be unloving,” “It’s just a fad,”  blah, blah, blah.     I can always counter with Bible-fighting on this and say “We’re like the Apostle Paul” and cite those verses where he brags that he thinks he’s closer to God because he isn’t consumed with lust and point out that nuns have always been a thing, but methinks that “being chaste” and natural asexuality are likely two different things to them....  But, you know... just some thoughts on things being “shoved in faces” and “being people’s main / sole identities” and cultural acceptance here.  

Until “gay songs” are played over the speakers at all Wendys’ locations, I’m going to remain skeptical of “The LGBTQ Agenda” being “shoved in everyone’s faces,” myself. 

[transamorousnetwork]

The World Is So Much Better For Transgender People

Holy smokes. What I saw in December blew me away. I’m only publishing this now because I schedule posts eight weeks in advance. But it’s no less amazing. It’s a testament to the unfolding perfection of All That Is and how All That Is supports transgender people. Even when it looks like it doesn’t.

A long-time cisgender friend prompted this post. He’s a strong progressive cause ally, including supporting the transgender community. We’re kindred that way. That’s why I wasn’t surprised to get his text. But I was surprised by what he shared.

He shared a link to a video. My friend does this infrequently, but frequently enough that I don’t click on links he sends me right away. But with this one, I did. Because the thumbnail compelled me.

The video promotes a whiskey product. It’s one of the best cause marketing commercials I’ve seen. And I should know about cause marketing because in a previous incarnation, I worked in PR and Corporate Social Responsibility. Take a look:

A beautiful story beautifully told

The commercial begins with an elderly couple. While the husband sits in a chair, the wife wanders about the house on the phone. Unbeknownst to the wife, the husband has a predisposition for women’s make up. He goes into the bathroom, locks the door and tries practicing with lipstick…but his results frustrates him.

Several scenes indicate the man’s depth of interest. It’s almost as if the guy questions his interest in such a thing. Nonetheless, he ends up getting pretty good at applying makeup to his own face.

But then, during the holiday season, the extended family shows up for familial celebrations. Among the family members is 26-year-old “Alvaro”. Who we now understand as Alvaro’s grandfather, looks at his grandson and has a hunch. He invites the young person into the bathroom wherein the two have an intensely personal, intimate moment.

The two exit the bathroom and, to everyone’s astonishment, Alvaro is now “Ana”. The entire family is in tears and Ana is heartily welcomed.

The rest is amazing commercial history.

“Transgender”: Here to stay

Thirty-plus years ago when rap music wasn’t what it is today, the famous Quincy Jones produced a song called “Back on the Block”. Among samples he used in his production was a statement by Rev. Jessie Jackson. Towards the end of the song, which is a medley of various rap genre’s, Jackson is sampled saying:

“Now I would – I would contend that ah – The rappers – rap is here to stay”

Thirty years later, rap is still going strong. Jackson was right.

In the same way, we are seeing something similar with transgender people. So many successful transgender people now exist. Not only are they in entertainment, they also are in politics and business and mental health. They’re authors, speakers, teachers. They’re everywhere. 

And more are coming in to the world all the time.

It makes being a transgender person in the world much easier. More than ever, transgender people can find support in abundance. The fact that a major liquor brand is on board with transgender people is astonishing. Especially so as the ad J&B produced is in Spanish. The language of a culture that, in some places around the world still considers being gay a crime. And being trans something worse.

The world is so much better for transgender people. I only hope that more transgender people discover what my transgender clients discover. That is that the only thing keeping a transgender person these days from discovering and then living a joyful life are the stories such a person tells, which creates something different from the life they want.

The world is increasingly on the side of transgender people. Of course, it’s always been that way. But today it’s more so than ever. What a great time to be alive Transgender or Trans-attacted!

If you’re life isn’t going great and you want it to, I can help.

[magnus-sm-writes]

Magnus & Trans Day of Visibility

This is really scrambled; my apologies. The words are fighting me today. But I wanted to post something for Transgender Day of Visibility, and dammit, I forgot to prepare something.

I am now 22. A damn good age, if you ask me. I like repeating numbers. I am 22, and I am a man, and I didn’t think I would ever get this far. I was an incredibly sad teenager that was fueled by hatred. Of the world, of myself. I thought the world was a shit place where everything sucked.

It turns out, I was so angry for a large variety of reasons. One: I was neurodivergent and fording the world without any sort of help. Two: I was living in a homophobic place as an openly queer teenager. And three: I was transgender and had no ability to live as myself. 

Living as a trans man for 3.5 years (my tranniversary is in October, one of my favorite months) has made my life so much better. My husband has done nothing but support me in my transition and ensured that all of our friends (and his friends, as well) are using my correct pronouns even when I’m not present. I have trans friends that I love with my entire heart and soul, both online and in person. Even though I’m technically presenting as a “woman” with my work and parents, I present so masculine that pretty much everyone believes I’m a butch lesbian in denial, which—y’know what? I’m willing to accept. It’s better than presenting an aggressively girly persona that makes me miserable. (And I hope it makes coming out in a few years easier.)

What I’m trying to say is: I love being trans. I am so incredibly fortunate to have the support system that I do in my life. My family might not know (or support me when I do), but the family I have found are some of the most important people in my life. They make me the happiest I have ever been. 

My body might not be what I want. I have DDD cups. For anyone unaware, that is overly-complicated bra speak for F cups, the size of small cantaloupes, which cause me a significant amount of back pain and dysphoria. (I’m trying to, at the least, get a reduction.) I have quite wide hips, and the babiest of all baby faces. I’ve been carded in a sex shop before—multiple times—because I have the face of a young high schooler. 

But I’m working on making my body mine. My tattoos make me feel more like myself. There was this Inked video I was watching where a woman said that it didn’t feel like her artist was giving her tattoos—it felt like they were scratching away her skin to reveal what was always there. I can’t agree more. All of my tattoos feel like they were supposed to be there. I feel like myself with them. My green hair both makes me more visibly queer and happier. I mean, green hair, where I am, basically makes you a freak. 

And I am! I’m a huge freak. A creature. A critter. I am what the people call me. I embrace being a freak, a crime against nature, an inhuman monster. I’m queer, and I make my own rules about what I am. Who I am. I think that’s what I love most about being queer. Being weird and gay and manly makes me happy. It makes me feel right, and real, and good. 

What can I say? There are so few words to use to describe trans joy other than the bright feeling of sunshine on your face and the lack of weight on my chest. (Metaphorically, of course: remember the F cups.) 

Trans joy is a song, a chant, a protest. Trans joy is what I feel when I wear my ridiculous goth clothes, what I feel when my friends and I are laughing about stupid shit, what I feel when I wake up to another day with the sun on my face and bird song in the wind. There’s no better feeling than the happiness I feel every day I live as the man I’ve always been meant to be. 

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary51

11/1-2/2023

wednesday - thursday

today sucked but that's okayyy.

not really but whatever. it's not because errands themselves were stressful. but first i should list off positives of the day, i made a guitar sound just now, it's crazy feedback freakshit, really cool to me, kind of really gets the pv stuff down too, which is mental. i recorded vocals and re-wrote lyrics for that song, and i'm sure i'll need to go back in, but it's huge to have that idea down and stuff.

anyways, today sucked because my gf's mom decided, while she and my gf were out together separate from me, me in the laundromat, laying into her about basically random bullshit, from me not having a job (i try! no one wants to hire me, there's huge gaps in my employment history, i can't act right in interviews or something i guess, sometimes i accidentally put "would prefer not to answer" for questions of gender on the questionnaire things, and it's apparently not something you're meant to do) and then getting into how we behaved on the trip, she believes for some reason that i think there is no war in israel when what i said to her, days ago in arizona, was that world war 3 is not going to start and china is not looking to invade america or use a nuclear weapon on us because one why would they start mutually assured destruction, unless they destroy america totally and just america (and what would they get?? no land, no resources, they are extracting all the capital they could want because they have beaten us at manufacturing and basically everything (we still have to see if they will achieve communism tho (i hope they do))), and two like i just said, they have beaten us industrially, america wants to stoke hate for china to start something because one: america is racist and evil and two: humiliated about not being number 1 (and all boomers are too thus the china is evil fantasy). i was also pro palestine and said that israel is obviously to blame here in every way, because they hold their people hostage essentially feeding these deaths to justify greater and greater strides towards genocide. in the car, she was agreeing with me, but she just does that. she also kept talking about how she had family who were in the military, and a husband too, and like wow who cares, the first place they test all the propaganda, where all the red scare cold war bullshit hit first, panic over those paper tigers that are kept to just destroy the world if we wanna. stupid. she also brought up multiple times that i am uneducated because i didn't get my degree because i could not justify going to school during covid virtually because i would be so bad at it and stuff, so she thinks i am like a stupid uneducated hick, something she loves to use against all kinds of people!!!!! she's so classist it honestly makes me sick.

she also brought up bill maher, and how disrespectful we were, and how she was so upset hearing us make jokes, and my gf asked if she thought i liked hearing him make bathroom gender jokes, and her mom was like "well he's just a man. it's a choice. he isn't one of them right." and a bunch of other shit, so my gf came in to tell me all this, she sees her telling me, and then she just calls my gf to say that if she's going to have a conversation then at least include her, and then she literally abandons us in the fucking laundromat for a while until my gf calls her, and during the call she begins ranting about bill maher again, and how he's making jokes for a different generation and how we don't understand, and also how i need to "pick a side, he's either transgender or not." and more stupid nonsense, but she at least comes to get us again. the whole rest of the day she acts like nothing happened, and that she isn't an abusive/manipulative bitch. my gf cursed her out during the first go around, and she was so pathetic, she acted like she was being abused and had to get away from her evil daughter defending her partner and getting upset her mother is literally a stupid and bad person who can't get over gentle banter over fucking bill maher. i can't believe he's developed into this great a problem in my life. he is a demon that looms in my existence now until i die, or he dies. not that i am wishing for his death (sincere, it feels awful to wish for people to die unless they are intensely rich demons like bezos who have so much funding behind them they are literally impervious to wishing (i think my superstitious sectors of my brain are over active in unfun ways that can rule my life sometimes but whatever (just washing my hands of intent and telling everyone my intent is perfect and good and i would never hurt anybody i am just nice and happy and not evil)))

it's so whatever, literally too stupid for earth.

this isn't even all the news of the day though, my gf's brother had a party last night, and he had a friend over who was on acid, coke, weed, and booze, and he had an ego death moment, obsessed over his own death a while, shit himself, ripped his clothes off, screamed, slammed his head into their mirror and broke the thing into one million pieces or whatever, climbed on the countertop of their kitchen totally naked, screamed about dying more, and ran out of the house to beat a cop up and steal his car and drive it 5 miles out into a car with 2 people in it. there is a video.

needless to say he is traumatized, his friend is in the trauma unit, the people he crashed into are in the trauma unit, no one is going to come out of this even half okay.

hearing that, and the thing with her mom insulting me behind my back (not new but it sucks and this is the worst it's ever gotten), today is kind of a stupid nightmare. but i feel okay basically. i was more pissed earlier and my gf left a drink in the laundromat, she mentioned it in the car ride to the grocery store, and i said "another one of today's disappointments" and her mom said something and we just said it had nothing to do with her, the statement. maybe that sucked of me. whatever, kind of. i don't like being mean but how else is she supposed to take the hint that she is being not a good or even likeable person when she acts like this, and is only being delusional when she believes she's in the right.

and i totally am grateful she drives us around to help us run our errands, she doesn't have to but, like, she does it because she thinks she's going to get payment from it some day, and she also does this because literally, i hate to bring it to him again, but she has fantasies of her daughter going on bill maher or cnn, and hoping her daughter would agree with anything she says in her head, she'd get to finally have her genius thoughts spat out in the most meaningless information streams the general public are exposed to, hoping her daughter will be an 'expert' that can be used by the media to bludgeon people with basically because they are wrong and she would, being her daughter and hopefully (but in actuality she disagrees with her entirely) agree with her, and prove that she, ******a, is right about everything. she would like to reduce her daughter that she has beaten, manipulated, called an accident, into a mouth piece and robs her of herself totally in her daydreams. a miserable excuse for a parent. i am grateful though. i try to like her. sometimes she is a very kind woman, or she makes the effort which counts i guess, but my gf is beyond ever being convinced that she really is nice, rightfully so, i'm just on my way there, i am going to lay down in a sea on the other end of some mountains and let the sea take me away, the wash whispering oh well a million times over.

some people only have ressentiment. that's how her mother is. the wasted life. she hates that i don't work because hard work is all that matters, she doesn't see the ways i work hard but all her hard work has given her is arthritis and misanthropy.

i should put some images here about this vague malaise.

yanase masamu - a length of capitalist's drool.

combatwoundedveteran - this is not an erect all-red neon body

mark mccoy - wound

hans bellmer - la poupee

ilona jurgiel (idk if she called this anything, striking though)

jean cocteau (tragically i do not know where this is from, making me feel stupid, but it strikes me right now as meaningful).

i don't know if these images connect at all really for anyone else but they are pretty things to adorn myself with, little resonant chimes that harmonize with right now distantly, or maybe in detuned 5ths, some kind of gamelan tonal array.

i always feel like anything where someone has their guts out though, re: mark mccoy + the cwv album cover.

anwayssssssssss ughhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhhh:

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[backmaskedliedermacher]

We Will Bury You

I need some rage today, yeah? Some good old fashioned transgender rage. So here we go.

A long time ago - I'm telling this as an anecdote, not as history, so I'm not going to look up the cite - Nikita Khrushchev (and I'm not going to look up how to spell his name either), who was the leader of the USSR at that time, he gave a speech, and he talked about the Americans, and he said to the Americans "We will bury you". And the Americans freaked the fuck out, because Khrushchev was the leader of one of the most powerful countries in the world, and his words were backed by nuclear weapons, and I don't know if it had happened yet but there was that one time he nearly destroyed the world because he was drunk and pissed off about some bullshit or another the Americans had done. Maybe a spy satellite or something. I don't know if that was before or after this speech, but it happened.

So the Americans were like, oh my God, this crazy fucking commie is going to kill us all, just like some people today look at us and are like "Oh my God, these crazy fucking (slur I don't use on the Internet but certainly do use to describe myself these days) are going to kill us all!" So you see they have to eradicate us all. You know how it is. It's self-defense.

And Khrushchev, he was like, y'all, y'all, this is all a MISUNDERSTANDING, if I was going to nuke you I would be way drunker than I am now. I mean don't get me wrong I'm drunk but I'm not mutually-assured-destruction drunk. I mean, like. It was like what Marx said, we're not just on the side of right, it's, like, historical inevitability, yeah? Y'all are, like. Racists and stuff. And our values - our VALUES - will outlast y'all's bullshit. And that's why, you know, we don't need to kill you. Because, like. We've already won. And you dumb motherfuckers just don't know it yet.

Like I said. Not history. Anecdote. If Khrushchev said something that sounded a goddamn thing like that last paragraph, it's pure dumb luck. I have not done my research.

And of course he was totally 100% right, American capitalism has long since collapsed, history proved that Soviet communism was clearly the superior ideology.

Or, look. The Modern Lovers, the original Modern Lovers, they have this song called "Dignified and Old":

And Jonathan Richman is singing about how he's sad and wants to die because a girl didn't call him on the phone, and if you're inclined to make fun of that you're missing the fucking point. The point is that this man hates himself, he wants to die. But he's not going to, you see? Because one day, one day he'll be dignified and old.

And that was, like. Fifty fucking years ago, now, that he said that. And I don't know if I'd call him "dignified". I mean, I'm not a judge of such things. Old, though? Yeah. He's got that one in the bag.

And the reason I'm telling you about this song is because my life really fucking sucks right now. It's just terrible. I'm in this tiny little apartment with my girlfriend sleeping on my couch, and I'm suicidal, and she's suicidal, and six months ago? Six months ago we had a whole community of friends, and it didn't work great but people were there for each other, and supported each other, and in the past six months that's all gone completely fucking south. And you can blame me for that, or you can blame them for that, but personally, I don't blame any of us. At all.

That community, I worked really fucking hard to try and build that community, and it was because… there was this thing Natalie Wynn said in that video she made, the one about her relapse. She said that trans community is hurt people hurting each other.

And when she said that, I'd seen it, I'd seen it happen over and over again. I'd seen trans communities rip themselves to shreds, trans people rip each other to shreds, and while they were doing that the people who hate us, the people who want to destroy us, they just stood back and laughed and they egged us on. Trans communities, a lot of them are set up to fail, and they do.

And I looked at that and said to myself, "It doesn't have to be like this." I thought, you know, look, we have opportunities, there are things we can do differently. And I tried to put those things into practice.

And fuck, I didn't just fail, I failed hard. I mean, strictly on a personal level. Maybe that stuff is doing someone some good somewhere. Not me. I'm hurt and miserable and I want to die.

But just like Jonathan Richman, I won't die. Just like Jonathan Richman, I'm not ashamed. I can take a challenge. I've taken challenges before, and some of them I've succeeded at, and some of them I've failed at, and I don't take failure well. It hurts like hell.

But I will goddamn do it. I will sit here and I will fail until the end of time if that's what it takes. People can gloat and laugh all they want, gloat and laugh at how much I'm hurt, gloat and laugh at how we keep hurting each other. Because we are going to bury these motherfuckers.

That's all I have right now. I try to build something else, something better than pure spite, and it just falls apart, crumbles to dust, every time. It's enough, though. I've kept myself alive for far longer with a lot less than that.

And I have no advice except for this: Don't die. Whatever it takes to not die, however much you hate yourself, hate being alive, however much you want to die. These assholes can laugh and gloat and rejoice and at the end of the day, if we're still here? None of that matters. We matter. That's what matters.

[stormblessed95]

You don't think HOBI is straight? Can we have that conversation please if that's the direction you wanna take the blog discussion today? Cause I said to my sister who is a casual watcher and listener that I don't think he's straight either but she didn't believe me.

What did you see to make you think he isn't?

Hello! Yes, let's finally do a rainbow moments post for Hobi! Our sunshine!

Personally, no I don't think he is straight. But this isn't a post to prove his sexuality one way or another. This is just like all my other posts, a collection of moments that hint that he might be part of the LGBTQ+ community. Doesn't mean that he actually is, regardless all of this DOES make him an amazing ally if nothing else.

Hobi Rainbow Moments, Let's go!

To start, the way some people call him the "straightest" member baffles me sometimes. Lol there is nothing wrong with it either way, but like.... how much more rainbow do you want our boy to be?! Man literally went rainbow from my head to my toes during this fansign:

The amount of pride clothing or merch he wears, or simply just clothes worn in the bi flag colors order. Rainbow belt worn on the first day of pride month at a concert. Bi pride colors sweatshirt. Chanel pride necklace. All love necklace. This isn't even all of it, you can Google and see even more. Lol including the sweater from above from the DNA MV.

While we are on the topic of Bisexuality Pride Flag colors.... let's take a moment to talk about the flag colors behind him in his solo music video, Bi pride with a man sleeping in his bed. Yes I know that it's technically not what the MV is about and it's not *really* saying he has a man in his bed, but that's what it looks like. He also has bi flag colors in the smoke during Boy Meets Evil that he dances in. During his solo stage performance, he had the lights underneath him on the stage in the Bi flag colors.... I mean... come on... this HAS to be intentional at this point with how often he uses these colors in this order too! Lol

And talking about Boy Meets Evil, his wings solo song ALSO feels very queer coded, don't know if that was intentional or not, but it is and many in the community related to the lyrics

Back to the clothes, he has purchased and worn clothes that support LGBT causes and fashion. Hobi and Jin here are wearing items from designer Ashish Gupta who designs LGBT pro fashion. Look up his work if you haven't seen it

Hobi and Namjoon were openly supportive and showed a lot of love to a transgender ARMY during a fansign, making them feel supported and loved and accepted. Their account over that interaction here:

Last time ill talk about clothes here, but we know his family is very openly supportive of the community. His sister Jiwoo has this shirt she designed for her brand and wears herself.

We have this interview on Mnet where Hobi accidently slipped up and almost said boyfriend instead of girlfriend by mistake, but quickly corrected himself. I believe the original interview ended up deleted, but the internet is forever lol

And there are many many accounts of ARMY who talk about how hobi has noticed, pointed out, smiled huge and given thumbs up to their pride flags during concerts. He has done this quite a few times, always making sure he acknowledged them if he saw them. (Note: he is NOT holding the flag, the fan is. The angle is off I know lol. You can search for videos of these reactions online if you want want see them)

I also want to add during his MAMA speech in 2018 when he says he learned about all the various types of love in the world and talked about appreciating that during the hard year they had. Etc. It was a moment, but a minor one overall through that whole speech, I'll link it here but if you haven't seen it yet, be prepared to cry your eyes out. They are very emotionally vulnerable through all these speeches

Ending this with the way that Hobi moans in the background during Cypher 3 during Yoongi's iconic line about sending men and women to climax with his tongue. And he does it during that line live too. Lmfao I mean, he is just illustrating the point for us....

No this isn't everything, I'm sure. I know it not including all the moments he has play acted out gay scenes with the members, play acted an almost kiss scene with V or with Jimin. Or talking about how he would get flustered by the members showing skin. Lol He again, obviously doesn't mind "looking gay" or having people have that impression of him.

Again this doesn't prove anything in either direction. There is a wide range on the sexuality spectrum that he could fall on. I'm just saying that the vibes he gives off aren't necessarily straight. Lol doesn't mean that he couldn't be. But there are also plenty of moments and times where it hints that he might not be too. In the end, no matter who he loves or when, I just hope he is happy and well loved. He deserves the best and to be surrounded by constant affection. 💜

[nerdygaymormon]

The Pride Month We Know & Love

In 1969, the Stonewall Riots occurred. This is considered the beginning of the modern queer rights movement. At the time, it was called the gay rights movement and the word gay, while meaning homosexual, also was an umbrella term that included all of what we now call the queer community.

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On November 2, 1969, a group of people proposed the first gay parade be held in New York City, both to commemorate the 1969 Stonewall riots and to be an annual reminder that we are in a struggle for fundamental human rights. They called on homophile organizations throughout the country to hold demonstrations the same day to show nationwide support. 

On June 28, 1970, the Christopher Street Liberation Day marked the first anniversary of the Stonewall riots with a march. Christopher Street is the road in front of the Stonewall Inn and the road participants marched down. The New York Times reported (on the front page) that the marchers took up the entire street for 15 city blocks. Marches were also held in Chicago & Los Angeles while San Francisco held a “gay-in.”

In 1971, marches took place in Boston, Dallas, Milwaukee, London, Paris, West Berlin, and Stockholm.

By 1972 the participating cities included Atlanta, Brighton, Buffalo, Detroit, Washington D.C., Miami, and Philadelphia, as well as San Francisco.

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The first marches were both serious and fun and served to inspire the widening activist movement. There was a dramatic increase in the number of people organizing for queer rights. In 1969, there were 50 to 60 gay groups in the country. In 1970 that increased to at least 1500. In 1972 it was 2500.

Prior to 1969, the organizations called themselves the homophile movement. They focused on showing that gay people are respectable and politely asked for discriminatory policies to be removed. Their marches had dress requirements, age limits as to who could participate, and even the signs held had to be pre-approved.

The Stonewall riots with images of gays retaliating against police changed things and inspired new activists. They considered the movement an uprising and renamed it the gay liberation movement. We are gonna be who we are and live as we want, respectability be damned. Parades and festivals were to specifically to not have dress requirements or age limits. 

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In Nazi Germany, gay men were prisoners in the concentration camps and their clothes had inverted pink triangles sewn on them to mark them as homosexual men (this also included bisexual men and trans women). This pink triangle was extra large so they could be easily identified from a distance. 

After the concentration camps were shut down at the end of World War II and prisoners freed, the gay survivors were not released but locked up in prison. Homosexuality was illegal in Germany. West Germany continued to imprison them until 1994!

In 1973, Homosexuelle Aktion Westberlin, a German gay liberation group, called for gay men to wear the pink triangle as a memorial to past victims and to protest continuing discrimination. This pink triangle became a symbol of the gay rights movement and many displayed it proudly, but the symbol couldn’t shake its association with the horrors of the Nazis. 

Harvey Milk, one of the first openly gay elected officials in the U.S., urged artist Gilbert Baker, an openly gay man and a drag queen, to create a new inspiring symbol for the gay community to replace the Nazi symbol. 

It’s thought that Baker was at least partially inspired by the Judy Garland song "Over the Rainbow" (Garland being among the first gay icons). He also liked the idea of a flag, as that is a way of being visible. The rainbow flag was unveiled at the 1978 San Francisco Gay Freedom Day parade. After the parade, hot pink was removed from new flags due to fabric unavailability. The murder of Harvey Milk in November 1978 led to a surge of requests for the Rainbow flag, which led to it being adopted by people around the country.

For the 1979 San Francisco Gay Freedom Day parade, the organizers reduced the number of colors from 7 to 6 so that they could divide it in half and have 3 colors decorating one side of the street, and the other three colors on the other side. This 6-colored rainbow flag became the standard and quickly replaced pink triangles.

In 2003, a mile-long version of the rainbow flag was made by Baker for the 35th anniversary of the Stonewall riots, this recognized the rainbow flag as THE international symbol for LGBTQ pride, it can be seen all around the world.

On June 26, 2015, the White House was illuminated in the rainbow flag colors to mark the legalization of same-sex marriages across the country.

In June 2017, the city of Philadelphia adopted a revised version of the flag that adds black and brown stripes to the top of the standard six-colors to draw attention to issues of people of color within the LGBTQ community.

In June 2018 designer Daniel Quasar released a redesign incorporating elements from both the Philadelphia flag and trans pride flag to bring focus on inclusion and progress within the community.

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But when did it go from Gay Liberation to Pride? 

Meetings to organize the first march in New York City began in early January 1970. Brenda Howard, a bisexual activist, is known as the "Mother of Pride" for her work in coordinating the march. She also originated the idea for a week-long series of events around the march.

She wanted to create a number of events to bring in people from out of town and wanted to unite the events under a label. The first idea was 'Gay Power,’ however gay activist L. Craig Schoonmaker didn’t like that suggestion. He explained, “There's very little chance for [gay] people in the world to have power...But anyone can have pride in themselves, and that would make them happier as people, and produce the movement likely to produce change."

Brenda Howard, L. Craig Schoonmaker and bisexual activist Robert A. Martin (aka Donny the Punk) are credited with popularizing the word "Pride" to describe the festivities in New York.

As the 1980s approached, there was a cultural shift in the gay movement. Just as the elections of Ronald Reagan & Margaret Thatcher indicated a conservative shift in their countries, activists of a less radical, more conservative nature began taking over the march committees in different cities. They dropped "Gay Liberation" and "Gay Freedom" from the names, replacing them with Schoomaker’s idea of "Gay Pride." This also coincided with the replacement of the more radical pink triangles for the more positive rainbow flags.

The word "pride" was embraced as it defies the bigotry and hatred against the LGBTQIA+ community. It also teaches people they should be proud of themselves rather than feel shame. Replacing shame with pride helps people to come out and to be more assertive about who they are and that they deserve the same rights as others. 

In 1999, President Bill Clinton issued a proclamation declaring that the LGBTQIA+ community and its allies would "celebrate the anniversary of Stonewall every June in America as Gay and Lesbian Pride Month." President Barack Obama issued a proclamation in 2009 declaring June LGBTQIA+ Pride Month. 

This is how we got Pride Month!

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Part of the original ideas of parades was to bring queer people and queer culture into what was considered heteronormative spaces. Queer lives were seen as dissident and radical. 

Today Pride events have taken on a festive character and it’s fun to join hundreds or thousands of other queer people. 

Pride events still have some of the original political or activist character. Most offer some aspect dedicated to remembering victims of AIDS and anti-LGBT violence. Booths are often on hand with people collecting signatures in support of constitutional amendments or petitions for laws & policies to change.

Large parades often involve floats, dancers, drag queens and amplified music, and they usually include political and educational contingents, such as local politicians, and groups from LGBT institutions of various kinds, such as PFLAG. Other typical parade participants include local LGBT-friendly churches and LGBT-employee associations from large corporations. 

The Stonewall riots, as well as the immediate and the ongoing political organizing that occurred following them, were fully participated in by lesbians, bisexuals, transgender people, and gays, from all races and backgrounds. Pride festivals and parades continue to be inclusive spaces. 

Historically these events were first named Gay, the word at that time being used to cover the entire spectrum of what is now called the queer. Today these festivals & parades are often called Pride.

[mashup-writing]

Somebody else by 1975 and it is sparkles-✨

It worked out well; Park Chaeyoung (Blackpink)

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Summary: Y/N and Rosé had decided to announce their relationship, but they were gonna be extra about it.

Requested? ☑

"I remember it all too well."

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It was the final part of Y/N's concert and while he's used to the feeling of thousands of eyes on him, what's going to follow was something that made him extremely nervous, which says a lot. Especially when he was counting on the audience for his plan to work.

At the start of his career, he had announced that he was a Transgender man on all of his social media platforms. An action that took a lot of guts, and and an action that drew a lot of attention to him. At the rising point of his career when he was questioned about it in an interview, his answer was something that made him well known figure within the industry.

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"Now Y/N at the very beginning of your career, you told the world that you were a trans man. That must've taken extreme bravery on your part seeing as those people who are against your community- The LGBT community, can be downright nasty and ruthless in 'Expressing' their dislike. What mae you decide to do this so early on in your time in the spotlight?"

Y/N smiles in his seat, switching from a laid back posture to one that elegantly demands attention, his next words being the ones that made him an icon amongst allies and LGBT people alike. "I am an advocate of LGBT rights before I am an artist, at the very start of my career I wanted to make it clear that I didn't want bigots to be a part of my following or an avid listener of my music and while I'm a man who values my privacy, I value honesty and transparency just as much. So if you're someone who believes that transgender people are just 'Confused' or that they're a 'Crime' against nature? Then go ahead and consider me your worst nightmare."

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Y/N had been sitting on a chair for quite a few moments now, holding a Q&A onstage before he stands up and decides to follow through with the first part of his plan. "Alright, now today's intermission, I'm going to do a cover of my most favorite song called 'Somebody Else by The 1975'. Oh and don't worry you guys, the Q&A will still continue after this cover." The stadium fills with loud screams and cheers from the people watching as he places his mic back on its stand and goes to pick up his electric guitar. The lights dim into a sunset red as the opening notes of the music fill out through the speakers, Y/N starts singing and playing his guitar as the crowd claps along to the beat.

At the start of the second verse, Y/N takes off his guitar and takes the mic off of the stand, walking back to the guitar stand, he puts the instrument down before walking back to the front of the stage and hyping the people up to sing along with him in the pre-chorus. The entrance platform that had sunk back down starts rising as a distinctly feminine voice fills the stadium at the start of the chorus. Y/N smiles widely as the stage screens show Rosé walking towards him, offering her hand. He takes it and raises their hands up, leading the Blackpink member into a twirl, the crowd has gone wild at this point and the duo are pretty sure that somebody or multiple people in the audiences are Blinks seeing the way they've started chanting Rosé's name even without Y/N introducing her beforehand.

The bridge part comes along and the two singers alternate their lines. When the instrumental hits, Rosé takes his hands and starts dancing along to the beat, dorkily smiling and roping the man into dancing along. When the final chorus comes, Y/N and Rosé sing together, motioning for the crowd to sing along and the stadium fills with the sounds of music and the combined voices of a chanting crowd.

The song comes to an end with loud cheers for the two vocalists who are now smiling widely while catching their breaths. Y/N offers his hand to Rosé and when she takes it, the two raise their hands and perform a bow. He lets go of her hand once they've come up from the bow, turning to face her before speaking. "May I introduce, Park Chaeyoung of Blackpink everyone."

The woman in question laughs, shaking her head before going to bow once again and waving to the crowd with both hands, Y/N decides to push his luck. "Also known as Rosé of Blackpink, or Rosie, or Foodsé, or Chipm-" He runs as she jokingly tries to swat at his shoulder.

The cheers continue and the two laugh with each other before Rosè speaks to the crowd. "So how did you guys like our cover?" She's answered with loud cheers and Y/N's manager signals at the two from behind the curtain, raising both his hands up. 10 minutes left, Y/N nods at him and smiles while Rosé turns her attention back to the crowd, he gives the singers a thumbs up with a dorky smile before taking his leave. Y/N shakes his head in humor.

"I'm pretty sure I'm speaking for both me and Y/N over here when I say that we're happy to see you guys loved it." Y/N turns to Rosé to agree with her statement. Y/N speaks into the mic saying that he and Rosé will spend the last ten minutes of the concert for the Q&A. The following minutes fly by with questions aimed at Y/N, questions aimed at Rosé as well as questions aimed at both come in droves, until Y/N announce that the next question will be the last one before the event comes to an end and they have to start saying goodbye. Multiple people raise their hand, and he leaves it up to Rosé to pick who gets to ask the final question. She gives her mic to a girl in the front row, and the girl states her question.

"How did you come up with the idea to have Rosé make a special appearance for a cover? Going by your latest Instagram posts before this album dropped, it seemed like you guys were writing songs together. So we were really hyped for a collab." The fan hands the mic back to Rosé who smiles at Y/N as he takes a deep breath, steeling himself for what's to come next. The Western singer brings his mic up to his lips to answer.

"There's a pretty good reason for this cover actually. 'Somebody Else' is a song that holds special meaning for the both of us, besides being our favorite song." Y/N motion for Rosé to take the lead, and she steps closer to him before speaking. "There was a point in me and Y/N's life that we didn't know where we stood. It a point we could sort of compare to the kid's game: Tag." She looks over to the man beside her, silently asking if he wants to back out of it. Instead Y/N takes her hand, interlocks their fingers and squeezes. Go on, I'm ready.

"Long story short is that I was hung up and broken hearted over this person and he was hung up over me." Collective gasps resound through out the stadium. After all, the only thing they know about you and Rosé relationship up until this point was that she was helping you write songs. You bring your mic up to your lips and speak. "The pictures on my Instagram of her looking at the lyrics I wrote? That wasn't Rosé helping me write. That was Chaeyoung reading what I wrote about her." The crowd goes crazy over the newfound information, and Y/N's pretty sure that they miss the way he referred to her using her real name instead of her stage name. But Chaeyoung catches onto it and she smiles softly at the man.

"I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am to Y/N by the way. Staying up countless nights and listening to me ramble on about being torn up, being there for me in every single way, helping me heal and doing all of this without expecting anything in return. Such a gentleman really." The crowd collectively 'Awwwwws' and Y/N hangs his head low, hiding his blush from everyone, Rosé laughs as Y/N looks at the ceiling, composing himself before speaking.

"I would never expect anything in return from you and you don't have to thank me either, I was just doing what a friend would've done at a time like that. Anyways, I stuck by her in those times all while all I could think of afterwards was how stupid the person who broke her heart was, all while I wished I was the one she had ended up with instead of them. I never even hinted at how I felt about her in those times, much less actually tell her. I promised myself I wouldn't tell her how I felt until the time was right. I didn't want her to feel guilty or pressured at all by what I had to say." Y/N looks from the crowd infront of him to Rosé before continuing "Time passed and her heartbreak had healed. But she still wasn't ready for a relationship for a while after that whole ordeal, so I kept my promise and I waited."

"When I had told my members and Y/N that I was finally ready for another relationship- That like, I was completely okay. Y/N decided to court me instead of asking me outright to be his girlfriend. Can you believe this sap?" The crowd laughs with Rosé as Y/N's jaw hits the floor, he walks away from Rosé and heads to the other side of the stage. He crouches and points to Rosé "I was being noble, chivalrous and mind you I was trying to prove that I was boyfriend material! Then she goes and calls me a sap?! I can't believe this..." Y/N lowers the mic and shakes his head in mock disbelief. Rosé doubles over in laughter before walking over to him and resting her free hand on his shoulder.

"Yes, I'm calling you a sap because you are one. But it worked out didn't it?" She looks down at Y/N before continuing. "I gladly said yes." The crowd goes crazy, people cheering, some were jumping, and the others were speechless.

Y/N smiles, a full smile from ear to ear as he takes Chaeyoung's hand on his shoulder to bring it to his lips. "Yeah, yeah it worked out well in the end didn't it?"

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A/N: Damn writing in 3rd person is a TASK. I might never do it again, I hope this was good enough? I'm not too sure about the ending but I liked the idea of them announcing their relationship infront of a crowd instead of doing it via a social media post. So yeah.

[nyxravessnow]

Rambly Patalliro stage review

Stage Patalliro 2021 Foggy London Airport Arc Review

Today I finally managed to see the delays of the first and last day of the new 2021 Patalliro stage.

Overall, I will rate this show as a 9 out of 10.

I don't know if I'm giddy just because I watched the show today and have been really looking forward to it, and especially since I didn't enjoy the last 2.5D show I was looking forward to I might be projecting a bit onto this show. But I did enjoy every second of this show and can’t wait to buy the dvd.

While there were things, I was very nervous about for this show, I was also very excited as a lot of actors I really love are in the show.

 I just wanna say anything I say about negative fan reaction is of course not most fans. Most fans stayed quiet and just did what they wanted, I’m just talking about a few fans whose comments I have seen floating about. 

I was very nervous about the hostility to the new cast which I felt was unwarranted. Obviously, this wasn’t from most fans but was just from a very small amount of them. Hostility to the company and how they handled the graduation of the previous cost and the handling of the bringing in of the new cast is completely justified. However, this new cast is full of people who truly love the show and were very excited to be in it and no one had seen them on stage as those characters and so I feel like hostility towards them was undue.

The main reason this made me nervous was that I was worried if the show was bad the director and the company would not be the ones blamed but the actors who merely were doing their best in roles they were cast in. 

I am so glad to say that I believe the show was fantastic. I believe that they lived up to the legacy of the previous cast and have started a good new tradition for their next shows and any cast that follows them.

One thing that really shocked me but also spoke to me about how this show most likely wouldn’t have happened without a new cast, was Kato Ryo Crying out of happiness on the final day of the show. Kato Ryo is known for never breaking character and not breaking down on stage which shows how much this show means to him. He was truly happy to be on the stage performing as Patalliro again, and it did seem as if he had also bonded to this new cast as Dai instantly went to give him a hug which he returned. He spoke about how it was amazing they could make it to the final performance as he didn’t think they’d even make it to a first one. I believe it is not too far-fetched to say that he might be referring to the fact that Nelke and the 2.5d association mostly likely said that they would not continue the show with Tsune onboard. As before Kato Ryo said he would only continue the show if the cast didn’t change and that seemed like a serious change.

I have seen comments that Maaya-sensei didn’t like the new cast and that he was completely unaware of the change in casting which I would be very surprised by. 2.5d shows have to sign off for new shows with the creator of the original and also you could see that Maaya-sensei’s family had bonded the new cast greatly. Giving the show a standing ovation and kept waving to the cast on the final night.

I know the re cast is a very difficult topic for people who likes the old cast and don't want to see a new cost, for people who liked the old cast and are willing to see the new cast, for people who didn't see much of the old cast but excited for the new cast or for people who like the new actors coming in and so getting into Patalliro for the first time. 

I believe that as long as you are not attacking anyone your thoughts and feelings are completely valid and if you only liked the show for the previous cast then you have every right to just ignore the new shows and just watch the three amazing instalments from the old cast. You are valid and I hope you have a lovely day/week and hope that this awful situation (covid and the such) isn’t being too bad to you.

 In my opinion if this show was the result of the recast, and that if it hadn't happened we wouldn't have gotten another show, then I'm very glad it happened because I think this show was excellent and another fantastic instalment under the name of Patalliro stage. Under the cut I will include a spoilered review of the stage but before then I just wanted to say some of my basic thoughts for anyone who doesn't want to be spoiled for what is in the show.

 Acting: All the acting was fantastic. There wasn't a single actor who I wasn't entranced by and I was enthralled and engaged the entire show. I think every actor performed their roles perfectly and to the best of their abilities.

 Singing: Obviously the big stand out for singing in this show was the transgender actress Nakamura Ataru as she was hired for her singing voice, her being a professional singer. However, I think everybody performed extremely well. I continue to be a little frustrated with the use of recorded singing for everybody except for Ataru, as I believe the music they have on it is too loud and it makes it harder to hear a lot of the singers and I also feel it's not necessary to record the songs as all of them are professional actors who can definitely sing on stage. That being said, I fell in love with every single song in the show and thought they were all amazing.

 Directing: I think a lot of very very wise decisions were made about this show. I was worried this show would either reflect too much on the previous cast or just not mention them at all and pretend it didn't happen. Luckily the stage did neither. I will get into more specifics and my spoiler review, but I think they handled it very well with having stuff for new fans, old fans and fans who would be irritated by seeing knew actors continue on jokes that previous actors started. In regards to other sides of the directing, I believe it was same as always, very good for the type of show it is. The comedy was very good but due to only having seen two shows I can't say how much was the directing and how much were the actors just being funny, because this is a very funny cast.

 Casting: I believe every actor in this stage was perfect for their roles. This may be a controversial opinion but after seeing Dai and Yuuya act opposite each other I am very glad that Sana wasn’t brought back. They couldn't continue to have Tsune in the show as 2.5D does not have the kind of reputation yet where they can have an actor who has committed crimes in their shows and back him for if he ever did something again then it could do a lot of damage to the industry. Nelke and the 2.5d association are companies and in order to keep putting on shows and paying actors and all the staff they need money. And to have money, they need a clean reputation, at least while it’s still relatively low in popularity. I do not wish Tsune ill at all, I think he is an excellent actor, and I really hope that he does continue acting but I completely understand why he was not cast in this show again and why that led to a recast of most of the cast. I think that Sana was excellent as Maraich in every way he embodied the character. But having been in quite a few previous shows together Yuuya and Dai already had excellent chemistry, and I think it would have been quite odd to see Sana as Maraich acting opposite a different Bancoran. I can't imagine any actor having better chemistry with Dai’s Maraich than Yuuya’s Bancoran and visa versa. And I really hope that with the end of lockdown and quarantine, and everything calming down a lot in terms of physical contact on stages they will be able to show the bond between their Maraich and Bancoran even more. (They didn’t actually kiss, converse to what I’ve seen some people reporting about how Nelke wanted to pretend everything was fine by making them kiss.)

 Well enough on them, the Tamanegi. I think all of them were completely perfect for their roles and they all handled it with enough seriousness to make the comedy different enough from the past cast and therefore make it their own but also for it to actually be funny. I cannot wait to see this group in more shows together and see how much funnier they can become. My only slight complaint, and it is very slight, is that one of the Tamanegi is 19 years old, therefore underage, and it made me slightly uncomfortable when he took his shirt off. as I am now an adult watching the show. Having not been an adult when I watched the previous two, I do rather approach it with different eyes and that was something that I wasn't very comfortable with but I do understand that everybody isn't me and it would have been a bit strange if only one of them didn't take their top off.

 Other cast members included Damian, the Maaya man and Ataru the ‘singing princess’. Again, all three of them were amazing, I was especially impressed with Shouta as Damien as I believe he carriage the emotion that came with that role excellently. Knowing what kind of personality Shouta has off stage, it still makes it slightly weird for me to see him playing less-good characters but I cannot fault his acting. I will cover the other two cast members in my spoiler review.

 Anything else: I think the staging was excellent, prop work was very good and they obviously worked very hard on this show.

 That will do it for my spoiler free review underneath I will get into a lot more detail on things that I liked, disliked or just wanted to comment on.

 If you're stopping reading here thank you very much for reading and I really recommend if you weren't sure about this cast and weren’t sure how much they'd put into these roles and how much they would love them I can assure you that these roles have been trusted to people who really love this show and are working very hard. If you are considering getting the DVD but aren’t sure, I really recommend that you do get it if you like Patalliro and don’t just want to see only the old cast.

 If you have any more specific questions about the show, I will be happy to answer them so just drop me an ask.

Spoilers under cut (Warning, it is very long)

God, where to even begin. This show was so good. They combined old stage Patalliro, with new directing, a new cast, and a really interesting arc. I'm going to separate my review into story, acting, singing/songs and directing, as well as mentioning some extra stuff that I might think of at the end.

 I will illustrate bits I’m saying with pics but pics cannot do this show justice. And I’ve bolded where I begin each section so it’s more easy to find.

 So first, the story. As someone who doesn't know the exact intricacies of this arc, I do know roughly what happens I just couldn't remember all the specifics, I think the show was set out in a very non confusing way compared to other Patalliro content. They did make the story a lot more linear and wasn’t showing stuff that happened at the same time as other things too much which can sometimes hurt my brain. Even with all the flashbacks and flashforwards I felt it was really easy to keep track of what was happening when. The story had a very clear and defined beginning, middle and end, and I just thought it was very well done.

 Acting, with occasional dips into directing and story when appropriate. As I said before the acting was amazing. I had chills, the entire scene with Damien, Maraich and Bancoran. I think they balanced the comedy and tension very well and didn’t try to undercut all the serious scenes with comedy which is my main complaint with a lot of gag manga/anime/stages. Except during Maraich’s more emotional song where one of the Tamanegi was still wearing bdsm gear which I thought was a bit hmmm. I’m not rly gonna cover Kato Ryo bc he just is Patalliro at this point.

Maraich and Bancoran, despite having very few scenes actually talking to each other, had undeniable chemistry. Dai and Yuuya, sold me on them being a couple immediately with the way they looked at each other and how they held each other. Their final scene before the end together where Maraich lay in a hospital bed and Bancoran was clutching his hand gave me so many emotions (First night he held his hand and final night he kissed him). I was 100% sold on how much they cared about each other, even if they might fight a lot in the end no one will ever love the other more than they do, and I think that that is what makes this couple so special. They have a true unconditional love for each other and they would, quite literally in Maraich’s case, throw themselves on a bomb for the other one.

 Bancoran. I think Yuuya played Bancoran so well. You could see the character maturing before your eyes as we moved from 15 years previously to 12 years previously, to 10 and onwards until the normal time. And you could see the vulnerability he had with Damien and how that was still there but how he truly loved Maraich and that the vulnerability he has with Maraich is different. While Damien didn’t tend to let his guard down around Bancoran, his relationship with Maraich is a lot more give and take and I think he played all of that expertly. I know how much Bancoran cares about Maraich is a lot more vague in the original but I think that was partly as a product of its time and they somewhat had to make some humour out of these two men being in a relationship without flat out making fun of that aspect. So, I am very happy that the stage lets these character’s be in love and despite everything, truly show that they care about each other. Also, he did make me cry a few times when he saw Damien broken, Maraich with Damien as his heart broke seeing that happen to the man he loved but also breaking for the trust he put in a man he had once loved as well in the final scenes where he has clearly decided to kill Damien but is still holding onto a feint hope that maybe, he is not completely lost.

Mariach. Wow, just wow. He was not super present in the beginning, but he was the standout in the show in my opinion. His Maraich was so so different to Sana-chan’s Maraich and yet he was absolutely true to Maraich. He approached Mariach from a very different angle and I am so glad we are lucky enough to get both of them playing Maraich. He seems a lot more mature, like he has definitely been with Bancoran longer. He gives him more trust and isn’t as quick to be jealous as well as very quickly understanding Damien and how important he is to Bancoran, asking Patalliro not to tell him anything until they were sure which is different to how he acted about Bjorn/Andersen in the last show, they are different situations but I do think it represents character growth. He was a lot more aggressive in his fighting and anger though, as shown by his heavy metal solo as opposed to the softer ones of Sana’s. Despite all that he still was clearly in love with Bancoran and still showed his cute side. As well as expressing more deeply about his love for Bancoran with one of the Tamanegi but more on that in the Tamanegi’s bit. The scene with Damien was done so well by everyone involved. They clearly condemned Damien’s actions, showed how disgusting what he did was and created incredible pathos for Maraich while also showing Maraich somewhat unaware of what had happened and during the sex scene with Maraich and Damien, Dai showed Maraich’s desperation to hold on Bancoran and love Bancoran, so well, and it broke my heart.

Damien. I don’t remember too much of Damien from the original but Shouta played him excellently. He showed the progression of this man who loved Bancoran to a man who was willing to throw him away and murder him so well and it was believable despite not seeing almost anything except his interactions with Bancoran or Bancoran/Maraich’s feelings about him. When he held Bancoran at the end, asking why he was fighting so much and why he wanted Damien to kill him, despite Damien obviously being the villain you couldn’t help but feel sympathy for this man despite everything he’d done. (Also I think there is meant to be a parallel between him holding Maraich and him holding Bancoran)

The Maaya man. I thought the actor himself was very good, but I am a bit confused about why he was in the stage. All the Tamanegi played multiple roles, changing costume, and there is only one of him, so I am not too sure what the benefit from having a single Maaya man was but it’s a very small complaint and mainly about logistics rather than show quality. Especially as it certainly didn’t take away anything from the show having him there.

Nakamura Ataru – The singing Princess. Oh. My. Lord. Her voice was phenomenal, and she was gorgeous in every single outfit she was in, reaffirming to me that I am very pan (Not just attracted to the men in the play but also this gorgeous woman. I am not saying I am pan because she is trans). What was a surprise to me is that she was genuinely really funny. In the scenes where she was meant to be funny, I laughed a lot and she definitely has expert comedic timing.

The Tamanegi. I am going to separate a few of them who were reasonably important and group the rest in together.

 So, the ones who did not play major roles in the show were: Emoto Koki, Ookubo Tatsuki, Sagawa Daiki and Hoshi Gouki. They were all very good, played their parts well and I don’t think they could have done better. It was very interesting to see Koki in a bdsm outfit but besides that there wasn’t anything super memorable about these actors’ parts.

Harashina Motohisa. Motohisa played the Black Tamanegi and served as somewhat of a leader for the Tamanegi in their scenes. Given that he was the only 2nd season Tenimyu actor in the cast and was the first name in the list of Tamanegi this was pretty much the role I expected him to play. He was very good, and his high voice was super adorable to hear after not hearing it much from his roles.

Okuda Yumeto. It was very surprising for me to see that Yumeto was the Tamanegi who travelled back into the past with Patalliro to see Bancoran’s past. Not only is he the youngest of the Tamanegi but he was also last on the list of Tamanegi names, I might be putting too much onto that list, but I did think it was gonna be kinda going from highest ranked to lowest and from most importance in the show to lowest. I was kinda right and wrong about that as the four most important were the two first names and two of the three last names. He did get to sing a little in the Bancoran and Damien jazz sex song, more on that later, and I thought what he did was good. 

Nakata Ryouta. (Yes I am saving Tsukasa for last bc I love him). Out of the four he had the smallest role but still had a solo bit in their trio song (trio is the name for a song where 3 people harmonise and have solo bits if you didn’t know, bc lol I didn’t) and was somewhat important to Maraich. I thought he was very good despite it being his first stage show and he had a lovely voice. He and Tsukasa made such a cute couple.

Taguchi Tsukasa. Warning, he is my favourite actor, and I am extremely biased. He was the best actor in the show, no question.

Joking, he didn’t have too much to do so obviously he didn’t shine more than Dai-chan, Yuuya or Shouta for example. He had two scenes with Maraich and while he didn’t do much in the stage overall it was clear how much of an impact his character, Tamanegi no.35, made on Maraich. He confessed to Maraich his love for his fellow Tamanegi, no.19, and spoke of their love and how special they were to each other which was never ridiculed or made fun of but was an exceedingly human moment and as a lgbt person it really touched me. He saw the love Maraich had for Bancoran and he and 19 did everything they could to help him. Without them, Bancoran and maybe Maraich as well, would most likely be dead as they picked Maraich up and brought him to Bancoran as well as getting Plasma X’s armour to protect him. Maraich, so far in the stages, hasn’t really had a friend. He always has just had Patalliro, shown by Patalliro being called in the 2nd stage to help them with their argument despite Maraich not liking Patalliro that much and this Tamanegi offered help to Maraich without judgement, just empathy, and I thought that was really special. I know, due to the nature of this being based on a gag manga and knowing Patalliro, that in the next stage they will likely not get another scene together but I can hope as their second scene with 19, 35 and Maraich might be my favourite scene in all of Patalliro content.

I know Tsukasa is a massive Patalliro fan, in a live he said he went to the previous show between 4-6 times and I have rarely seen him smile as much as he did in the finale of this show. It obviously meant so much to him to be in a show he loved and I’m incredibly happy for him.

  Singing/songs.

 There were 9/11 songs in this show. (9 if you don’t count Cock robin and Foggy London Airport which Ataru only sang a little of on stage but is an album exclusive)

 These were:

 1.      Wow Patalliro

2.      I can’t see your

3.      Maybe we could meet again? – Mata Aeru Kashira

4.      Foggy London Airport

5.      Sexy dudes!

6.      To leak out – Moreru

7.      Kiss me Bancoran

8.      Cock Robin

9.      Don’t overlook me – Misugosenai

10.  My special person - Tokubetsu na hito

11.  Forever Patalliro ~ Grand Finale

 1.      Wow Patalliro

This opening song was such a bop and I don’t think I will ever get it out of my head. It was very different to the previous first songs, much higher tempo and energy which I think was interesting as this show felt slower than the previous two shows which I thought was interesting. Shouta, Damien’s actor, was having so much fun dancing around in the bg and it was adorable.

2.      I can’t see your

God Ataru’s voice. Her voice was gorgeous in this song. This was my favourite of the 3/4 songs she sang and this is from a person who doesn’t usually like ballads. The contrast between the fast pace of the first song and the slow pace of the 2nd song was so well done. And it was such a good song to have the cast list play during as kinda a more formal opening as the first scene doesn’t do much except to show that Bancoran is acting strange and so isn’t super related to the rest of the stage.

3.      Maybe we could meet again? – Mata Aeru Kashira

I love the club singer vibe of this song and Maraich was so cute with Ban clapping along in the back. It was a nice soft scene before all the angst and trauma in the rest of the scene and it was really nice to see them on a date together.

4.      Foggy London Airport

Don’t have many thoughts as I didn’t really hear much of this song, about 2 lines, but I’m sure it’s amazing if Ataru is singing it.

5.      Sexy dudes!

I love all the Tamanegi songs so much and I rly liked how different this one sounded, much like all the songs in this show, I like how the Tamanegi are built up in this song to seem so good then they having the dumbest dance ever, it was amazing and the final day with all of them stripping killed me. Of laughter bc of Daiki wearing a shirt that made it seem like he had abs and of other things bc of Tsukasa stripping. (I think Daiki might not have been comfortable showing his fully chest so I’m glad they allowed him to just wear a pretend ab shirt)

6.      To leak out – Moreru

I never imagined a sex scene in Patalliro would be shown by a woman dressed like a bush singing a jazz song as screens showed the characters sex faces as they were on a spinning bed or doing poses but here we are. The song itself was very good and I think it worked weirdly well representing what happened.

7.      Kiss me Bancoran

God all the songs in this stage were just so good. Another absolute banger. Yuuya’s voice as Bancoran is divine and the choreography and everything work so well for this song. I also think he looks super pretty in his past Ban outfit and love that the song was done in that.

8.      Cock Robin

Pretty much as normal. Maraich’s little leg lift is so cute

9.      Don’t overlook me – Misugosenai

This was not what I expected from a Maraich solo in any way shape or form. But it works so well?? Maraich screaming into the mic as Bancoran plays the guitar and the Tamanegi do back up dance is just phenomenal, Dai’s voice works for the song so well and him pretending to be Damien and Bancoran and impersonating their voices as they had sex was hilarious, omg. This song was the song we didn’t want but we needed so much. By far and away my fav song in the show. I have listened to it so many times already and I am never gonna get bored of it.

10.  My special person - Tokubetsu na hito

A trio song between Maraich, 19 and 35 about what you do when with the person you love the most and what you would do for the one you love the most, with the other Tamanegi as back up singers. Despite looking a bit silly with Koki in his bdsm gear in the bg, the emotion was there, and the three actors are such good singers. /not at all biased. Honestly, I died when I heard Tsukasa start to sing. I didn’t expect him to get a solo bit in this show and I was so happy that he did.

11.  Forever Patalliro ~ Grand Finale

I rly like the new ending song. It’s upbeat and fast like the first song and has a different feel to the previous cast. I’m kinda glad that the final bit with the circle head things that look like the headframes from the manga was the only song they kept. They’re showing that they are moving on from the previous cast without erasing what they did.

Overall, I think this show has my favourite soundtrack. In the past two shows and the film there were a couple songs I didn’t love but in this one I loved all the songs!

 Directing

Like I said before I think there were a lot of good calls in the direction. They had I think two or three references to Stardust, I think this was to partly reassure fans that they weren’t completely resetting the world and that this was a continuation and from what I remember maybe four or five recurring things.

1.      Patalliro at the start being asked who he is, this definitely makes sense tho and I’m super glad they didn’t change it

2.      Maraich’s legs shaking when Ban looked at him with his beam. I kinda liked though how they even changed the beam for Yuuya. Tsune’s was a contant beam whereas Yuuya’s beam is more short bursts. (in terms out sound and the projection of the beam light)

3.      Patalliro recreating the most tragic scene from the play again at the end. I was a little unsure about them keeping this at first as it felt like a joke of the old cast but it was mainly something Kato Ryo did and he is still here to continue his joke so it makes sense to keep it. Also, in the finale he gave Damien. Maraich and Bancoran characters from tv to impersonate while doing their lines which made the scene very funny.

4.      The final bit after the finale song with the head frames but I think it would be weird to remove this song in retrospect bc it is the song that mainly relates back to the manga. Also, they did change what the head boarders look like.

5.      And obviously the two mangaka that are referenced in all the stages are still there bc that is something that came from the original. (Micchan sensei and the shojo mangaka one)

Except for that stuff, from what I can remember, mostly everything was new jokes which I rly liked. That they’re making new stuff for the new cast.

 That’s it!

I still have so many other thoughts but the best thing I can say at this point is pls watch the stage! It is just as faithful as it was with the original cast and the quality has not dipped at all.

 Thank you for reading my rly rambly thoughts and I’m sorry it trailed off at the end, it is quite late now. 

I hope it inspired you to look into getting a DVD or CD or supporting the stage in some other way.

 Have a good day/week/month/year/life!

[tilltheendwilliwrite]

I Like Boys

A Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers Story

Master List

Pairing: Stucky   |  Word Count: 2256  |  Warnings: Language

Based on the Todrick Hall song I Like Boys

A/N: With all the crazy in the world right now, I thought we could all use a little something fun and fluffy. This is my first Pride fic, please be kind as I did my absolute best. Love who you love, people. There’s nothing greater in life.

This fic is for @magellan-88​ who inspires me even when she doesn’t intend to.

***

James Buchanan Barnes was ninety-seven years old when his Hydra programming finally broke. He spent two years running from his best friend, another two in cryo, and five after that apparently blipped into nothing. After the fight - were, somehow, they all came out alive - Bucky decided, fuck it! 

How many times had he almost died? How many chances had he had? How many more would he waste before finally living his best life?

So he retired—sort of. 

There was no such thing as "retiring" when your idiot best friend continued to throw himself out of planes and into the line of fire on a regular basis, but Steve did slow down. He took on a more managerial role, was promoted to "General" for his service, and spent his days sitting on his ass behind a desk. 

Bucky liked him there. He liked having Steve unbruised and unbusted at the end of the day, saunter through the door to their joint living space and holler, "Honey, I'm home!"

It was a joke on the blond's part that was wearing thin, for when Bucky decided to live his best life, he'd begun to do some research about what that meant. Be true to you was a big part of it. But to be true to himself, he had to be honest with himself, and honesty meant admitting he'd been in love with Steven "is this a test" Rogers for most of his natural life. 

Sadly, Steve liked girls. Case in point, one Peggy "gonna bust some balls" Carter. 

Bucky couldn't exactly compete with that. She was one classy dame, and it hurt him to know that Steve would likely never move on. This era and it's dating rituals had thrown Cap for a loop. Women were too forward, and Steve - surprisingly - too shy to dive into the world of casual dates and sex. 

For Bucky, it was different. He liked boys. There, he'd said it, but he still hadn't said it to Steve. Natasha, however, was a different story. She'd grown used to him sighing and pining on her shoulder. She said she hated it - she didn't - but she bitched enough for both of them. 

Then she took him shopping. 

While he was standing in some place called Sephora with miles of makeup and aisle of perfume that kind of made him want to sneeze, he had the shock of his life. All this "girly" crap everywhere, but in the middle of it was a guy? A cute guy. With well-groomed hair and this fabulous winged eyeliner - nothing like his Hydra days - wearing really cute skinny jeans and glitter on his cheeks. 

Enchanted, Bucky left Natasha's side and slowly made his way over. The guy, man, guy he wasn't sure, looked up and flashed him a smile. 

"Help you, honey?"

Bucky blinked. He had fantastic skin. "You're so shiny." A flush immediately reddened his face. 

But Sephora Guy, whose name ended up being Ben, laughed and lightly patted his arm. "Aw, thanks, sweets. You looking for some skin care tips?"

Bucky nodded, unsure what else to do. 

"Honey, you came to the right fella!" 

Ben grabbed his wrist and led him to a chair where he bid Bucky sit. For the next hour, he was educated on everything from moisturizer to foundation to why Ben wore makeup. They talked about hair care, skin care, and what it meant to be "out" with such enthusiasm. Bucky had never spoken so candidly with anyone about his sexuality and found it enlightening. 

He left the shop with five hundred dollars worth of product, a list for the hair salon, and a bunch of links to reputable websites if Bucky had more questions. 

The smug on Natasha said she set him up, but he didn't care. He'd had the best day.

And when everything wound up on the counter in his and Steve's shared bathroom, Steve only arched a brow, smiled, and said nothing. 

Bucky continued to learn, research, and occasionally visit the mall to have coffee with Ben or his partner Matt. They were always kind, never impatient, and easy-going. He'd begun to wonder if they hadn't realized who he was until one day he asked, and they both looked at him with amused smiles. 

"Metal arm, slightly brooding, runs around after a "little punk" but now with a much better skin routine? Honey. Please," Ben snorted.

After, Bucky began to explore and try new things. He cooked, found a love for baking, and especially loved baking for Steve. The man refused to slow down, so it never affected Steve's physique, but Bucky found he was a little bit softer around the middle, his face fuller, his body less hard, and he liked it. 

It was nice not to be combat-ready all the time. Sure he could strap on the black and spend nine hours running down Hydra, that hadn't changed, but he had the smallest pudge of a belly, a soft little roll that he loved. 

Then, out of the blue, Natasha introduced him to roller derby. 

Bucky was thrilled! He'd never seen anything so flashy, showy, violent in all his life that was meant to be fun! Oh, sure he'd watch the wrestling that showed up on TV, but he felt most of that was so phony. This? This was chaos. This was mayhem. 

This was freaking awesome!

And the women were great. They were loud and boisterous, or sweet and shy, but when they put on their gear, they all became demons. Natasha occasionally trained with the group known as Red's Devils, a group of women from difficult circumstances she sponsored during the blip. It gave the ladies an outlet for grief, anger, pain that they wouldn't have had otherwise.

Once they met him, they'd put him in a pair of roller skates and dragged him around the track. Of course, with the serum and his enhanced body, getting his balance and figuring out how to move on wheels was cake, and soon he was skating around the room, learning neat tricks and tips from the women catcalling and laughing along with him

Bucky loved it. 

Finally, after seventy years as a Hydra pawn and all the crap that came afterward, he'd figured it out, found himself, and was happy. The only thing he wasn't satisfied with was Steve. 

It was getting harder and harder to pretend like he didn't tent his pants every time the big dumb blond wandered through the apartment in a towel. Or that "Honey, I'm home!" didn’t make his damn heart flutter. Some days it hurt to look at his stupid beautiful face and not want to kiss it. Or punch it. 

He swore Steve's shirts were getting tighter. Sometimes, it felt like his eyes lingered. 

The shit was messing with his head, dammit!

Then, just as the world was getting it's shit back together, the pandemic happened. Covid 19 struck, and everything stopped. The world stood still, went into lockdown, and Bucky wanted to slam his head on the wall.

He had been going to his first Pride event with Ben and Matt, ready to step outside and be who he was, while those who didn't approve could kiss his lily-white ass. He was going to tell Steve. He was going to stop hiding, conforming, resiting who he was. And it all went to shit thanks to a fucking virus.

He was pissed! It wasn't fair! He'd been so prepared. 

Natasha found him pouting on the couch in the common area of the now mostly empty compound. Anyone who could go home was sent home, leaving them running a skeleton crew of people, and forcing as much separation as possible. 

She flopped down mostly on top of him. "Why so glum, chum?"

"Pride's cancelled," he muttered. 

She snorted. "No, it's not."

He rolled his eyes. "We're under a shelter in place order, Natalia."

"I'm aware, Barnes," she huffed. "But Pride isn't cancelled. Just because you can't strut down the street waving a rainbow flag doesn't stop what this month is about. It's about you, celebrating you, and all the people who came before you who fought, screamed, raged against injustice and in some cases, died to be able to stand up proudly and say I'm gay, I'm bisexual, I'm transgender. You can't go out. That doesn't mean you can't celebrate."

She patted his chest and left him sitting there to think about what she said.

***

The music that pounded through the compound jerked Steve's head up. Reports forgotten, he rose and went to look out his office door, only to gape in shock as Bucky, wearing the shortest, tightest, black shorts he'd ever seen and a cropped top that showed off his cute little belly, rolled by on roller skates. He'd cut his hair not long ago, his interest in styling it a new hobby. Right now, it was fluffed high and held there with wax, looking soft and shiny and pretty as hell. Glitter sparkled on his cheeks, on his lashes, and glossed his lips. 

He smirked as he rolled by, blue eyes amused. "Close your mouth, Rogers."

Steve swallowed thickly and followed Bucky down the hallway. Those shorts should be illegal. The top wasn't much better. The cropped top was blue, sleeveless, showing off defined muscles and metal arm. His skin freaking glowed against the blue. 

It was seriously unfair how hot his best friend was, and Steve thanked his lucky stars he'd worn sweats and underwear today that helped disguise the tent forming in his pants. 

When Bucky stooped to pick up a big ass rainbow flag, Steve's jaw dropped. He knew what June first represented, how did Bucky?

Like a moth to a flame, Steve followed Bucky into the common room where Bucky was skating in happy circles, singing along to the music. 

"I like boys, I like pecs, like them arms when they flex. Like that print in them sweats. Tell them, girls, "Thank you, next." I like when they text me sexy pics of 'em, like them abs when there's six of 'em. Tell them girls I'm sorry; I like boys, Mama, boys like me."

Steve's jaw dropped. His mind refused to compute what he was hearing. It blue screened, whited out, and returned in time to watch Bucky drop it low and twerk like he'd done it all his life. 

"I like when they shake it, shake it. I like when they grind real slow. I like when they almost naked. Tell dad I'm so homo. Lights off, doors shut. Tall, dark, clean-cut. Thick with a bubble but. Yup, Mama, I like boys."

A sound like a fax machine escaped his throat as Bucky danced, shook his ass, swung his hips, and sent Steve's mind so far into the gutter he wondered if it would ever come out. 

"Bitch, B to the O to the Y to the S, Boys will be boys, and with boys, I'm obsessed. Boys in their gym clothes, boys in a dress, and if boys are a crime, then I'm under arrest. 'Cause I've been boy crazy since the boy scouts. Fuck the closets, let the boys out. Don't be a camel when you are a llama, period. No comma, bring on all the drama. Mama, I like boys, I like pecs, like them arms when they flex. Like that print in them sweats. Tell them girls, "Thank you, next." I like when they text me sexy pics of 'em. Like them abs when there's six of 'em. Tell them girls I'm sorry; I like boys, Mama, boys like me."

The music continued to play, but Bucky rolled away from the window, leaving the flag he'd been carrying behind on the couch when he skated up to Steve and stopped. On the skates, Bucky was inches taller and caused Steve to tilt his head back to look up at him as he had when they were kids. 

"So," Bucky murmured, a blush under the glitter and eyes suddenly shy and uncertain. "I like boys."

Steve's heart clenched. Before he could stop himself or second guess what he was doing, his hand shot out, grabbed the back of Bucky's neck, and dragged his friend down in a kiss that had been pent up for almost a century. 

Bucky squeaked, flailed once, almost rolled away, and finally wrapped his arms around Steve in a near bone-crushing hug. Lips slanted, mouths softened, parted, inhaled, changed the angle and softened. 

Tingles raced through Steve's body as he kissed Bucky, his Bucky, pouring every bit of emotion he felt into it. Then, he nipped his teeth into Bucky's lip and slowly pulled away. 

"I'm bisexual," Steve murmured. "I've known for years."

"You punk-ass piece of shit! Why didn't you say something?" Bucky barked, but Steve noticed he didn't let go. 

"There wasn't time." He gently squeezed Bucky's nape. "And how do you tell your best friend in the whole world you've been in love with him your entire life?"

"Steve…" Bucky whispered, resting their foreheads together. "You're an idiot."

Steve kissed him again because there was no refuting that logic.

***

From the second-floor observation deck, Natasha turned her phone camera from the scene below to her grinning face. The live stream event had hearts and comments blowing up her Instagram. "Happy Pride everyone. If those two old farts can figure it out, anyone can." 

She blew a kiss at the camera and ended the stream.

-The End-