Things I’m missing about you today:
- when you would sing while cleaning the house
- the sound your bracelets made on the kitchen table when you would help me with my homework
- the way you would pet your goldfish on the head with one finger when he swam to the top of the tank to greet you
- your lipstick smudged on my cheek when you gave me a kiss to annoy me (I was never, ever annoyed)
- sitting between your legs while you braided my hair
- watching you paint your nails
- the way you knew which ultraman episodes would have the theme song in English and which would be in Japanese
- sitting next to you on the couch and watching inuyasha in the dark
- the fact that you let me be the weirdest version of myself that I could be and the only thing you ever said about it was “which character is your boyfriend in this show?”
- the smell of your perfume
- your very sparse grey hairs
- when you’d make up some arbitrary monetary value for every basic task (using your bathroom cost $5 dollars. I say this to my students, too. It makes them laugh like it made me laugh)
- when you would become a vampire and bite me on the cheek, not enough to hurt. Just enough to make me laugh and tell you to go away
- your collection of little trinkets. So many little glass trinkets
- so so so many episodes of gunsmoke and bonanza
- when you’d tell me no, I couldn’t keep a blue crab for a pet. Put it in the pot.
- the way you always tucked my blankets in way too tight
- unlacing your shoes for you because you swore you just couldn’t reach
- dancing in the living room with you
- you, before you weren’t you anymore
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It’s a special kind of insult to have someone email me with a plug for their masterclass in animation on my animation reel.
Bud, I just paid more money than you can imagine for that degree in Digital Art and Animation and if I really want to improve more I’ll use my free alumni credits.
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Another snippet from my Flipping the Coin au. Probably won’t make it into the actual fic, but I’ve been obsessed with these two and keep finding myself writing moments like this ^^
…
Mordred was sprawled over Arthur’s chest, with his thumb tucked in his mouth, and blue eyes serious as he listened to the story with the gravity of a judge. The two of them are slumped in their favorite armchair, the red velvet blotchy from numerous spilled drinks, sticky snacks, and misguided attempts at crafts. It was too warm for a fire, but in the dim evening, with the lone table lamp for light and the window cracked open for a breath of air, it took Arthur back to countless evenings spent in another room. One built of stone and lit only by candle flame.
Aloud, Arthur read, “Because he was the king…”
Personally, it wasn’t his favorite retelling, but Mordred had seen his name on the cover and insisted on hearing it, so he had conceded. Maybe he should’ve waited until Mordred was older before telling him that there were stories about characters who shared their names, but in these last few years, the events from long ago had been so close to mind Arthur had wanted to share it. He assumed Mordred would fixate on the sword fighting and tournaments. Instead, Mordred had picked a book that started with babies being sent out to sea.
“Two by two, he carried—“
Mordred pulled his thumb out of his mouth. “Did you really do that?”
“No.” Arthur marked his spot with a finger and ruffled the thick, black curls. Still damp from the bath, they were in need of a comb. And soon, if Arthur hoped to avoid dealing with tangles. “I never did that.” Dipping his fingers to tickle the back of Mordred’s neck, he smiled as Mordred giggled and tried to escape. “I could never.”
Sitting up, Mordred’s knobby limbs found all of Arthur’s soft spots as he settled knees first on top of Arthur’s chest. “If you had to, could you?”
“Would you,” Arthur automatically corrected.
“Would I?” Mordred’s pitch went comically high. “Nooooooo! Would you!”
Arthur gave him a look, one that Mordred immediately leaned in and mimicked with a giggle. “Would I, Arthur Penn, a man far removed from the ancient past, cast a boat full of babies into the ocean? Absolutely not.”
“What if Merlin told you to?”
He’d never had to. History hadn’t played out like that. But Arthur couldn’t tell his young son that he definitely knew it hadn’t happened because he couldn’t even explain his own past and all that entailed. All Mordred knew was that his father was named after King Arthur, so that meant he’d been named after Mordred. Because they were father and son and that was how it was supposed to be. He didn’t know that in another life they hadn’t been related and that the first time Merlin met Mordred he had helped save him.
“Nope.” Arthur popped the ‘p’. Out of Mordred’s sight, he set the book on the ground. It was time for a better story anyway. “Not even then.”
“What if Merlin did it?”
“Listen, let me tell you about the—“ He almost said ‘the Mordred I knew’ but luckily stopped. Instead, he says, “—the story I heard. It took place when Uther was still king. The first time Arthur met Mordred he was only a little boy…”
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brief break from the lord eclipse posting for some nice eclipse posting:
I rediscovered this song “you smell of dead flowers” and the last few lines immediately reminded of solar and his sun and I just grgrhergraragh!!!!!
“You smell of dead flowers / I smell of the sewer I rot in” has the vibe of solar thinking back on his sun, who maybe once had a sweet scent to him but the memory has since been tarnished and twisted with grief that dead flowers are the only thing that come to mind. that, paired with the next line, gives the impression that he puts himself below his sun; that he is something that rots and pollutes(“because if I wasn’t, my sun wouldn’t be dead, right?”).
The next lines hammer that in some more, with “I’m ashamed of all I am now / and all I am now / is painful” really cementing the vibe of his low self worth and I just. I just!!! Idk!!! It makes me terribly emotional to think of their dynamic and how solar could harbor a lot of grief, regret, and self hatred because of what he “did” to his sun and i’m just. ueueueue,,,,,
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Bro I finally picked her up. I have my practice injection on Tuesday morning and I should have my needles and syringes coming in by the end of the week
I thought this was going to be so much more difficult. If anyone wants to start hrt or transitioning or gender-affirming care and you live in a safe state and have decent insurance it’s really not that hard. It’s not that expensive either (at least with insurance) please don’t wait and put off your happiness like me, do a little research and get started.
I haven’t even started hormones yet, but my depression and anxiety have already lowered considerably and my self-confidence has shot up.
Please please please do this for yourself if you are able to 💚💚💚
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