#when he's got so much fucking potential and has SHOWN what he's capable of on multiple occasions

[schumaclerc]

i’m going to commit several crimes

[kalcifers-blog]

I have a thought and I physically need to talk about it BC I think the JSE Fandom as a whole does not talk about it nearly enough.

BEFORE WE GET STARTED!!! Content Warnings :

Discussions on mental illness, alcoholism / alcohol withdrawal, mentions of potential suicidal behaviour!!!!!

CHASE BRODY IS NOT AN IDIOT.

I feel like Chase gets mischaracterised as being a bit of a himbo at best and just straight up stupid at worst.

For the record I generally dislike the way that happens? Like there's already a big stigma around addiction, I'm actually very impressed with how Chase Brody is such a sympathetic character with his addiction being an aspect of that. I love how it shines a new light on this very real and scary issue that doesn't villainise Chase at all for his condition.

But this is exactly why I feel it's so important that people understand that Chase also isn't an idiot.

Genuinely speaking there are so many examples of Chase being someone who is an extremely smart individual and I think a lot of that gets overshadowed by the fact that he's an alcoholic and depressed.

EXAMPLES BEING:

He is immediately asking questions the moment he's in IRIS.

He's constantly making it known exactly how he feels about his predicament but at the same time he understands that at certain points (especially when he doesn't have a clear view on IRIS and what they're up too) he needs to go along with things and keep civil to not put himself in potential danger

He calls out the way IRIS puts him through shit and how fucking weird that is of them to do

The moment he sees a shimmer of hope (in the form of Echo) he immediately tries to comfort them and tries to help them and attempts to make a plan to leave IRIS

When IRIS attempts to relocate Chase he immediately calls out that they're lying to him, that something has happened

He can spot people being manipulative from a mile away and is very quick to shoot it down as soon as he can by making it known he knows exactly what they're doing.

I would also like to mention that all this is happening while Chase is very likely going through major alcohol withdrawal issues- the symptoms of which include: tremor, craving for alcohol, insomnia, vivid dreams, anxiety, hypervigilance, agitation, irritability, loss of appetite (i.e., anorexia), nausea, vomiting, headache, and sweating.

Chase is quite literally going through it, like every severely going through it and the entire time he is he's surprisingly got more of a level head than most people probably would in his situation. And he's doing all of this while probably going through some intensely bad withdrawal symptoms as well as all the mental shit Anti is putting him through every moment he can.

All things considered Chase is insanely capable of being able to keep fighting even through some of the hardest things a person could go through.

Chase Brody is not an idiot, he's not useless and he's certainly not weak. If Chase can go through all the things he has and he's still fighting tooth and nail to survive even tho he previously was shown to be someone who was very clearly suicidal? I just think it says so much about his character that at Chase's core he's smart and strong- in ways a lot of people wouldn't appreciate nearly half as much if they didn't physically see the things he was being put through continuously for potentially years at this point.

And again I wanna keep in mind that all of this is going on while Chase is quite literally at rock bottom, like we have only seen Chase while he's at his worst. The fact that he is so smart while he's at his worst only makes me wonder just how capable he has the potential of being once he gets the right help he needs and deserves.

[dogydayz]

I think one of my favorite parts of the "autistic Shadow" headcanon is the fact that he's designed to be the Ultimate Lifeform. I don't mean this in an annoying, "autism is a superpower" dumb way (even if I do find my own autism to actually be quite helpful at times, the whole concept of calling it that is stupid and used to hurt people like us), I mean it in a "Shadow was genetically engineered to be an Ultimate Lifeform, he's designed to survive and be able to do things no one else can, yet he still struggles with something that could be classified as a disability in his daily life." I dont know if im wording it properly, but there's something about how he's still viewed as that Ultimate Lifeform despite dealing with something that many people would immediately label as a trait that makes someone "inherently" less capable of survival. I know that many folks struggle with autism in way more severe ways than I may (though much of me saying this is kinda me repressing and refusing to acknowledge that it IS still a disability for me, but still, i recognize others DO deal with more severe aspects than I do), however I really just dislike how autistic characters get labeled as inherently "unable" to live "right". He's a character whose whole thing is that he makes his own path for himself, he fights even if the world hates him, he doesn't back down and even when it looks like he is, he's just playing it smart. Even if he does have these struggles, he IS able to find a life for himself, he isn't held down by expectations or what people tell him he is. In fact, that's ANOTHER whole part of him as a character, that he breaks free from what others say he should be. Even if he were confirmed to be autistic, he wouldn't be "the autistic character". He'd still be himself, he'd be Shadow, they'd be confirming that he has certain struggles, but he'd still be /himself/.

His story wouldn't change, he wouldn't be bound by the chains of what people think an autistic character in media should look like, he wouldn't be "the character who's autistic" (as if they aren't all already autistic, but that's a whole different topic lol), he'd just be Shadow, and Shadow would just happen to be autistic.

Again, I may be wording this wrong and if i am PLEASE forgive me, I'm trying so hard to put my thoughts into words,,,

I think this is coming a bit from a place of me seeing Prime Sonic and thinking to myself "holy fucking shit he's got ADHD but it's not shown as all of him". Of course they havent truly confirmed Sonic to be ADHD but like, i think they probably did do it purposefully here, but maybe that's just me? I just see him do stuff and think "wow yeah, I've done that before! And I do it because i have ADHD! and he has some of my struggles!! But his friends still love him even if they're annoyed by him at times, and he still isn't a bad person even if he did fuck up! Any they handle it with nuance that real people experience in life!!"

And that's how I'd see autistic Shadow being handled. He already has a lotta the traits, but they don't confirm it being based on things like sensory overload or whatever, despite the fact that they really could. And even if they did, he'd be handled just as if it were another trait. It wouldn't be some defining attribute to him, him being autistic wouldn't be some selling point, there wouldn't be any "look! There's now an autistic character in this media!!".

But back to the main point.... Basically, him being autistic doesn't make him any less of the Ultimate Lifeform, and I think that's about the most extreme way to get across the point of "being autistic doesn't make you any less of a person or any less important". He was GENETICALLY ENGINEERED. Yet he still is autistic and it was decided "yep we succeeded in creating the Ultimate Lifeform!", so much so that the military wanted to use him as a WEAPON. Nothing about his potential disability made him any less of a success, or any less of a protector to Maria, or any less of a wonderful creation to Gerald, or any less of anything else to anyone he knows.

Something about that is just... a really nice idea to me. Maybe not for everyone, but to me that's inspiring as fuck, and reassuring to, to think about...

[eloisegrant]

Mission: Find Spector

Steven Grant x F!Reader (platonic for now); mentions of Marc Spector, Bucky Barnes and Sam Wilson

Summary: Avenger!Reader needs to locate a recent enigma during an incident in Cairo, Marc Spector. Unfortunately, he keeps calling himself Steven Grant.

Warnings: Mentions of abuse, drugs, trauma etc.

You were part of Hydra since you were 11 years old. They tested on you, tried to understand you, trained you and provided shelter for you. They got close enough by letting you concentrate your powers but, the full potential… Yeah, not even close.

Growing up with powers has made childhood terrible for you. Even your own parents casted you out and called you a freak. Unfortunately , joining Hydra was the easiest way to use your atomkinesis capabilities for some sort of higher purpose. Although in hindsight, higher purpose was never always good.

But of course, when you came face to face with the Maximoff twins who turned to the side of SHIELD and the Avengers, something inside you triggered. Something inside you wanted to be better. To do better. Since the incident at Sokovia, you left Hydra and went undercover as a vigilante fighting your own battles, as well as saving people you thought needed it by following orders or leads. Pretty much a hitman but for people who deserve the boot.

After the Blip, you had met Captain Wilson and Sergeant Bucky at Madripoor, after meeting up with some clients. Chasing after them, noting that these familiar faces were part of the Avengers and you would love to join them. After seeing Tony Stark and the rest of the Avengers sacrifice their lives for the world, you gained more respect. The need to use your powers for good intensified.

“Sorry, remind me how you got your powers again?” Captain Wilson was baffled at your admission, from your past, your powers, all the way to your vigilante activities.

“I was born with it.”

“Born with it?” Bucky inquires.

“Yes.”

The two men stared back at disbelief. They had never met a mutant, only heard tales of people born with remarkable, godlike and inhumane powers. Mutant. Type of term like that was degrading and maybe that was the reason most of your kind hid behind a mask.

But they warmed up to you and eventually took you under their wing. They needed more people like you. Filled with hope and the need to help others. Your powers were just a plus, and they promised they’d help you understand the extent of it.

Its been 8 months since then, the three of you have formed an irrefutable bond. You even helped them fix up the Headquarters since you’ve earned more than enough money through your hidden work and Madripoor acts.

So as you entered the newly renovated Avengers Headquarters by the outskirts of New York, it felt like an acid trip. The airy and modern atmosphere was just enough to look homey and professional, all at once. As your heels clicked and clacked through the marble flooring, Captain Wilson calls out to you by the kitchen.

“Agent Snowflake, c’mere.” Sam jokingly calls you snowflake because of that one time you cried while playing monopoly. They cheated that night, no one fucking wins monopoly. You thought to yourself.

“Its- I’m not a damn snowflake, Sam.” You walked near to him as you roll your eyes. He hands you a smoothie and chuckles at your reaction.

“It’s Captain Wilson to you.” He pesters again, causing you to huff out. Immediately, he swipes a holographic screen right in front of you as you sat on the kitchen table.

You took a sip of the smoothie as Sam plops down next to you. It was an image of a man, who appears to be a soldier. Dark brooding eyes, dark locks and a stern expression. Handsome, sure. No idea why he was being shown to you, though. “What exactly am I looking at?” You shrug your shoulder while giving Sam the side eye.

“American Intelligence, Marc Spector.”

Again you took a loud sip from your smoothie, causing the plastic to squeak, and stayed silent. To be honest, it confused you because, why this was important?

Sam releases a sigh and proceeds to speak.

“He was last seen in Cairo at some excavation site. Thought to be dead after a rampage occured by someone from their group…” He lingers on. “….Till this, was caught in a Museum CCTV in London.” The screen flashes to a blurrier image of a man who was wearing a rugged jacket, messy hair and a weird stance.

“Okay, so? He isn’t dead. Big whoop. Why feel the need to tell me?” The unenthused tone of your voice was evident. You place your drink onto the table and cross your arms. Eyeing Sam as your eyebrows raise up.

“He knows something about the shit that happened in Cairo. Where dozens of scientists, GOOD scientists, paleontologists and whatever-the-fuck-gists, were brutally murdered.” He flashes images of a desert in Egypt filled with lifeless, bloody bodies. Both young and old. People with aspirations, goals, lives to live. All taken away. You felt a pang in your heart.

“We need to know what American blood was doing over there.” Sam looks at you with more seriousness in the tone of his voice. “And who we should approach to stop this.” His eyes were more genuine, and you knew what he was asking for.

“So you want me to get him… right?”

“Bingo.”

“Fine.” You stand up, stretching your arms above your head. “Send me all there is to know about Spector.” Sam smiles up at you, nodding at your tenacity. He knew you were going to be moved by the incident, and he knew you were the right person to send. Not like he had much of a choice but, you were the only viable one.

Hawkeye was nowhere to he found. So was Antman. Spiderman was god knows where, especially since no one knew who he actually was. Doctor Strange isn’t even an Avenger. Bruce went on some sort of vacation and Bucky… well let’s just say you’re the most viable.

~

Landing in London as an Avenger and not as a contractual assassin was kind of refreshing. Of course, you won’t walk around letting people know you’re an Avenger. But Goddamn, it does feel powerful.

You arrived at London around 11 AM. The museum was about a 10 minutes away from the AirBnB you were staying in, so everything was within reach.

As you got situated into your AirBnB, you quickly placed your baggage in the closet and grabbed the most easily accessible outfit. A pair of leggings and a hoodie.

Exitting the lobby of the flat, you made your way to the Museum. Trying to get there before the inevitable crowd of tourists crowd the place. You weren’t quite sure what you were going to try and prove if you came face to face with Spector. All you knew was, innocent people died and this man witnessed the attack.

Stepping up the tall steps that led to the museum, you were happy to know that there was no entrance fee. God knows museums, which are dedicated for learning, shouldn’t be charging. But alas, some still do. The world ain’t perfect.

You kept your eyes open. Ensuring that if you were to catch even a small sight of Marc Spector, you would get to him. But, of course— you gotta keep it lowkey. You moved pass the various pieces of art and artifacts. Finally deciding to stand in front of a Sarcophagus.

Damn, this thing’s golden. Your thoughts lingered as you pretended to care about the piece. Turning around from time to time to spot Spector, and looking back at the writing describing the Sarcophagus.

“Ahh, yes. That’s an interesting piece.”

A voice interrupts your fake acting, making you jolt to your right in order to see the stranger.

“That there is a sarcophagus. Pharaohs were often laid to rest there but only once all their organs, except the heart, were taken out.” It was him. Dressed up in a beige jacket and a funky shirt. The face you’ve been studying for the past few days and the person Captain Wilson wants you to track. Right here, talking to you.

“Uh-“ You stutter out, pure shock covering your face. You look down to his chest and see his nametag. Steven. What? But, this was Marc Spector. It had to be. Those rugged features couldn’t be a simple similarilty.

“Sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.” He almost backs away but you pull his sleeve gently.

“No, no, please. Um… why do they leave the heart?” In order to get a picture to study later tonight, you needed him to stay and keep near. You adjusted your hoodie slightly for the nano camera to capture his face. Sideways and frontal view.

“Oh, cause they’ll be judged by their hearts which will decide whether they enter the field of reeds!” He was so chipper. And British as hell. American Intelligence. That’s who Spector was, but this man is British as ever. Maybe its his twin? You debated on whether you should ask him or not, but your thoughts get interrupted

“Steven! What are you doin’? Get back to the shop!” A blonde lady screams from his back which causes the man to close his eyes tight, apologizing to you.

“Sorry, I’m not a tour guide, sadly.” He points to the gift shop and shyly bows his head down.

“No? You sound like you know your stuff.” You complimented the guy and pat him lightly on his shoulder. Praying to God you got the correct pictures to run through and compare on the computer later

“Thanks, it’s cause I like-“

“STEVEN!”

“I-I gotta go. Sorry again!” He shouts as he runs off to the direction of the blonde woman who looked like he was going to bite his head off.

At that moment in time, everything froze and you felt like you met a fork in the road. You needed to head back to the AirBnB and find out what the hell and who the hell this was.

~

Stepping back into your rented out apartment, you phoned Sam while setting up the computer to run data analysis through the pictures you got.

“Y/n? What’s the situation?” Sam beams in through. You put the phone on the side while pressing the speaker mode.

“Uh… met a speedbump.” You injected the nano camera to the side of the laptop and uploaded the images to compare Marc Spector and mystery man, Steven.

“How big of a speedbump we talking about?” You could hear Sam pacing back and forth.

“So I met a man who looks precisely like Spector in the museum…” Your photo uploads and the facial recognition analysis tool finally began to run its course. “…but it was not… Marc Spector...” The program completes the analysis.

Similarity: 100%

“Yeah? Hello?” Sam beckons, confused why you turned silent.

Shocked, all you could do was try and understand the situation. But you only came onto one conclusion. You were bamboozled. Marc Spector probably knew you were headed his way and placed a co-worker’s nametag and left it at that. Or he could have legally changed his name and faked an accent. You weren’t sure anymore. “Cap I’m sending you something.” With a few taps on the keyboard, the information on Spector’s whereabouts was exposed.

“Got it.” He was probably looking at the data because all you heard was, “Goddamn, what is he hiding from..?”

“No idea.”

“You gotta confront him. He gets off work at around 5 according to the footage.” You hear a few clicks from the laptop on Sam’s side.

“Right.” You look at the watch 4:45, “Better get going then.” After Sam’s pleasant goodbyes, the call ended.

Instead of opting for a more casual attire, you wore your work suit. Nothing fancy, it was just a dark blue suit that was made of thick, bullet proof material. It hugged your body tight in all the right places to ensure maximum movement. You wished you didn’t have to use your powers tonight.

~

You stood by the bushes on the side of the museum. Waiting for the so-called, Steven, to walk by. It was 5:06 PM, and he should be here, any minute now. And as if on cue, you spot the man again with his bag draped over his shoulder. Quickly you slid to his feet, causing him to trip over onto the concrete floor. You grabbed him by the legs to drag him behind the bushes, avoiding a crowd. Though, there was barely anyone there, it wasn’t worth the chance.

You pinned him onto the grassy ground and placed your arm on his chest. “Okay, Spector, no more funny games. Why are you hiding? What happened in Cairo?” He was in shock, shaking, startled at the suddenness.

“Wh-what??” He mutters out, trying his best. His eyes flicker, keeping his gaze on you. As if he was trying to focus on who you were. To his surprise, you were the one who complimented him earlier that day. And now, you were about to hurt him or something. “Say, you were the nice lady in the museum! This is a far cry from being nice, lady!”

“Oh quit the accent! Tell me the truth Marc Spector-“

“Sorry, what did you call me?” His question makes you pause.

“Marc. Spector.” You nearly choke over your words because you couldn’t believe this man was still pretending.

“You’re-you’re not the first person who called me that- but I’m sorry, lady. I am Steven Grant. Not Marc.” Your pin on him got softer because the look on his face sincere. It was quite genuine and your mind was stuck. If he wasn’t Marc, the facial recognition program may be faulty or something. But, that’s impossible.

You plopped to his side, sitting beside him. Desperate to arrive onto a proper answer, because this was not making any sense. “You gotta help me here, Steven…” you use the name he constantly repeated. “Marc Spector shares your face, and we need Marc Spector. It’s impossible that you two don’t have a link.”

He sits up beside you and tries to look at you, but a part of him is still afraid since you were nearly choking him awhile ago. “I-I can tell you what I know.”

“You know something?” Grabbing him by the shoulders makes Steven flinch a bit but he calms down.

“Yes…” He stands up and fixes his bag, as you followed his actions. He got a better view of what you were wearing and was genuinely terrified. You looked like you were some secret agent of some sort. “…do you work for the FBI?” He gestures to your attire.

“Uh… Something like that, sure.” You balanced yourself in between your feet. “So, the thing you know…”

“Right, it’s in my flat…” In order to help you not look like a fish out of water during the walk to his flat, he removes his jacket and hands it over to you. “Put this on.”

“Oh-um… thanks.” Carefully, you grab the jacket and wear it. Now your attire just looks like a big jacket and some shiny ass jeans.

“Yeah, now… Follow me.” Steven makes his way back to the main streets, as you follow behind. You typed a quick message to Sam letting him know you’re gathering intel and will send him updates soon.

You weren’t sure what this Steven guy would know about Marc Spector, but since they shared the same face— there had to be something more to it. So all that was left to do was wait.

-✨-

Part 2

[chain-link-smut]

Eyyyyyyy, glad you loved the Fallen Angel!Sky brainrot :D I got one for Mer!Legend too, if you want!

(okay so after I typed everything out, I re-read your blurb on sex with Mer!Legend and it. Contradicted literally everything that I wrote below 😅 😂 I wrote too much to just delete it tho so you get my rambling thoughts regardless lol. Maybe this happens during one of Legend's mer equivalents to ruts? Maybe this happens before Legend gets the jewelry that lets you breathe underwater? Maybe this happens bc he's exceptionally grumpy that day? Idk haha)

(potential cw: this is a little meaner on the BDSM scale than other posts, so keep that in mind)

Underwater sex was already a given, and with that comes breath play; you can't breathe water, but Legend can, and so you're wholly dependent on him to breathe for you...

...and what if he wants to be a little mean about it?

Lemme back up a little -- Legend in LU can turn into a bunny, and he's shown to be very defensive and aggressive bc of it; herbivores tend to be more vicious than predators, if only so they can fight them off (see: hippos. vicious fuckers).

Now, you never said anything about Mer!Legend being capable of turning into a bunny, so I'm going to assume that he can't; however, the reason he canonically turns into a rabbit is that it's the Dark World's reflection of who he is at his core. So it could be extrapolated that Mer!Legend, who still has the same grumpy and prickly attitude as his LU counterpart, still possesses the same sense of self at his core (aka he's still a fluffy bunny on the inside).

Where am I going with this tangent? Well, if Mer!Legend is still a bunny-at-heart, then he probably feels like he's prey 24/7. And someone in that kind of situation, from time to time, would probably want to feel in control; to demonstrate that they could be...dangerous.

Now, Mer!Legend would never hurt Reader -- never! But...to hold Reader's life in his hands, to decide when she gets to breathe? To lightly run his fingers over her neck, teasing her vulnerable airway, perhaps resting his hand there in a playfully threatening way? To wrap his powerful tail around her, powerful enough to crush a monster's skull, with the exact amount of strength required to help fuck into her perfect warmth? To remind her that he's a deadly creature, just like the rest of the Chain, but then deliberately choose to not hurt the one he loves?

Yeah, Mer!Legend likes that...a lot.

If I want? Beasty, bring it!!

Oh I like where this is going... This really could be like a rut for our Mer!Legend or a kink for him that Reader is willing to indulge him in.

Our bunny can be terrifying when he wants to be!

Legend only true advantage is in the water and can easily overwhelm anyone that dares to enter his domain. Maybe, If it is a kink, they agreed to type of roleplay. If it is a need, it wouldn't have to be roleplayed, but something Reader would treat just like Twi's rut and has to go through what to expect. Legend would never force anything or hurt Reader, but he would be losing himself with the fear spiked arousal coming from Reader. Because in reality, Legend is dangerous.

(Just thought of this: If they are in the water, Reader still without the ability to transform and was heavily aroused and had a little bit of that spike of fear, Legend could literally filter the scent through his gills and have it physically in him just by breathing. And what happens to the oxygen? It goes into his bloodstream... THE MAN IS LITERALLY GETTING HIGH OFF OF THIS!)

YEEES!!!! Exactly! He would make her work for that breath too, pulling away to get Reader to chase his lips, but always give it to them. Oof! That tail! With Reader in a two legged form, he could slither it between her legs and still wrap back around one leg and make her grind down on the slick scales that line the slit where his dick (tentacle style) is tucked away at. You know he likes to show off, so he's going to show his strength with it in some kind of way before plowing into her with that same strength to give that reminded and maybe even prove that he is more dangerous than some or most of the others.

Our soft bunny while on two legs... is a dominating, intimidating Creature of the Night that Reader will love coming back to over and over again for their own pleasure, but to also allow Legend to hold the oh so precious threads of life in his hands.

ANON! YOU HAVE SPOILED ME!

[bbyboybucket]

Thoughts on Multiverse of Madness (contains major spoilers!!!)

- I’ll start by saying over all, I liked it. It was fun, crazy, definitely visually stunning and captivating, it some insanely awesome scenes. It was very enjoyable. BUT I had some big issues with it.

- first, I feel like it was rushed in the beginning. Things went too fast and there was no build up, it was just kinda like “hey this is happening” and it was especially that way with Wanda’s villain arc and I’ll be talking about her first.

- literally it was so rushed and felt ooc because it was right off the bat. Her villainy and motivations originally felt very shallow. It was all so surface level and lacking for like the first half of the movie. Once again, she felt so out of character to me, like it wasn’t even the same character I know and love.

- I will say though that it was FUCKING AWESOME to see what she was capable of. I lived for seeing her power be so great and loved that the movie gradually continued to show us more of her ability. Seriously, the further in we got, the more awesome she was.

- also will say that I liked it being pretty comics book accurate.

- however, I really just don’t understand why they chose this story line for her. It was so unnecessary and undid every bit of character development in Wandavision. It would have been better if there was some kind of build up to her realizing what she could have from America’s powers and she’d slowly getting more corrupt. But she went villainous off screen and it was shown within the first few minutes of the movie. I didn’t expect it to happen so quick. And I understand the whole thing of her being corrupted by the dark hold, but that just felt like a cop out. An easy way to justify making her like this when there was potential for real depth and dimension here.

- also gotta say I LOVED HER BREAKING THE 4TH WALL

- but, towards the end, there were some real good character moments for Wanda. The line of“I wouldn’t ever hurt you, I wouldn’t hurt anyone. I’m not a monster.” hit so hard. And just that whole scene in general. It made me feel so much, and honestly it was super in character and very well done. I loved it.

- but I’ve gotta say I’m kinda surprised they didn’t make Vision a more important point here. I know she let him go in WV but if they were gonna undo most of that development anyways, why would she not care more about him. Like really, if she’s going to a new reality where her kids exist, why would she not go to one where she has her kids AND vision. It doesn’t make sense and that would be infinitely more in character.

- I also don’t think she’s dead. There’s no way in hell she is. 1. If she actually was, it’d be much more emotional, especially since she’s such a well liked and huge character. It has almost no emotion to it, even less than previous mcu “death” scenes where the character turns up later (ie. Bucky, Loki, etc.) 2. They wouldn’t kill off one of their most popular and most profitable characters, especially not in her prime time. This is Wanda’s golden area, the hype is all hers, she’s pulling in awards, she’s getting tons of talk. She’s too valuable for the mcu to lose.

- now, I do like what they did with strange here. I feel like they have him a lot more depth and made him much more likable than before. Not that he was unlikeable, but more so you feel more connected to him after this movie, like you got to know him.

- I love that they took his worst traits and exaggerated them in his variants. Why? Because it’s very interesting to see this cool, all powerful superhero, humbled and not be portrayed as perfect by the narrative.

- But even more than that, it shows that you don’t have to be perfect to be good. It’s all about what you chose and how you try to be, and owning up to your mistakes. Because even though the other Stranges weren’t so great, our Strange made the right choice and did the right thing over and over again. He tried to be the best he could and proved everyone who doubted him for his flaws, completely wrong.

- I also liked seeing the more emotional side of him. I liked seeing have so much love for Christine, but putting hers and everyone else’s best interest above his deepest desire.

- I also really really loved the father-daughter like thing he had going on with America. Some may see it as more of just a mentorship or something, but I definitely feel that parent relationship and I could feel that he really cared for her. It reminds me of Tony and Peter, but 10x better.

- I have mixed feelings on the reveal of Donna. Idk. I do like the insight it gave us into his character. But I feel that it was dropped to quickly and it was a shame it wasn’t explored just a bit more. It almost felt random and irrelevant. Like yes, I do get the thing of them both saying “we don’t talk about that.” and it showing how much Strange bottles up inside (kinda a small theme in this movie, hm?). I like that and I felt so bad for him when he said “I couldn’t protect her.” But also I just wish there was more of a pay off to it, I just wish it didn’t feel so misplaced because it could’ve had more impact.

- also liked the growth of his magic in this, he had quite a few new tricks up his sleeve.

- I’m very curious about what the screaming was at the end. Also wondering about the end credits, when he suddenly was fine? Was that a time jump, different Strange? Also curious to see where his character is going from here and how it’s going to play into the bigger part of the phases 4 and 5 of the mcu.

- also super cool that we have a new character introduced that I’d never heard of till today and I wonder what role Clea is gonna play from here on out.

- speaking of new characters, I fucking loved America. Like love love love love loved that girl. God she was such a little sweetheart. Her powers are awesome for one, but who she is is awesome too.

- I think she had great development in this movie, I loved that they made her not be able to control her powers. Is it a bit cliche? Maybe, but they made it work so fucking well. I felt for her, because she couldn’t help any of this, she was just a young and innocent girl who was scared but tried to be brave anyways.

- my heart hurt for her when she said she killed her parents. imagine, growing up with that heavy of guilt and fear of your own capabilities. That poor bby. 💔

- but once again, loved the relationship she built with Strange. I also love how as time went on, he helped her have more faith in herself and really gave her that needed boost of confidence. But fuck, I also felt terrible when she was going to sacrifice herself. She’s such a sweet kid omfg.

- also, I love love love love that she had the idea to show Wanda the horror of what she actually wanted. America sat up that powerful moment. Her badass fighting scene was followed up seamlessly with one so emotional.

- also love her spunk, and sass, and she was so cute trying to learn other magic and in her robes. I’m so excited to see more of her in the future.

- I was so worried about the cameos in this movie. Like going in, I was anxious that the movie would be relying too heavily on them….but I was wrong. It was very well done.

- first, I loved seeing John Krasinski as Reed Richards. I LOVED IT!!!! Like literally he was so perfect for that role and it was just fucking great. Perfect in all senses. (Also very sexy)

- Maria was a bad bitch, being the one to survive longest and gave Wanda a run for her money.

- I have mixed feelings about Captain Carter. I originally was not excited about her being in it because of the fact that she was such a huge role in “What If?” And I didn’t want a repeat of that. But I truthfully didn’t mind her too much in this.

- however, I fucking HATED!!!! AND I MEAN HATED!!!!! The fact that she said “i can do this all day.” No. No. No. No. No. I will not accept that. I’m not even a big Steve stan, but that is his and only his to say and they should not have made her rip it off and take away the value. Steve says that iconic line so many times because he was a disable bullied kid, showing his bravery and putting up with hell to stand for what he believed in. Peggy Carter was not that. She’s not the same.

- also I just don’t even really understand why she was a part of the Illuminati in the first place because she is way less powerful compared to all the other characters that surrounded her. Also don’t understand how she didn’t die sooner. I feel like they just wanted to give her as much screen time as possible here but I don’t feel like she should’ve been an Illuminati member at all because realistically, there’s nothing that special about her to be in such a position. I didn’t mind her, but it would’ve been better to see a different character, especially since we already got our fill of Captain Carter in “What If?” and I feel like the more she pops up, the more it undermines Sam.

- anyways, continuing on, the scene where Professor X enters Wanda’s mind has to be one of the coolest fucking scenes in the entire mcu. It’s one of my new favorites.

- the visuals in this movie were just so good omg.

- also liked the further explanations of the dark hold and the souls of the damned. That was cool as was the antithesis, the book of Vishanti. Once again, the magic in this movie was amazing across the board.

- The cinematography was amazing too by the way. Not just the CGI but the way things were shot, the way it felt almost like a horror movie at some points, the way it was just so pleasing to the eye the entire time. I loved that.

- also i was kinda expecting Mephisto to appear at some point. I never have taken that seriously before but for the first time I actually wondered if he’d appear because of how much talk about the dark hold, the forging of the scarlet witch, etc.

- also was kinda thinking Shang-Chi was gonna make a cameo and Loki too but neither happened.

- last thing I can think of right now, is that I kinda wish we would’ve gotten another post-credits scene that had more connection to what’s coming up in the mcu. Bc that short little one about just what’s next for Strange, isn’t enough for me 😩. I fr was hoping for something new to freak out about.

That’s all.

[thetwelfthcrow]

This Mercedes issue has been present for such a long time, even before 2022, though. It's so maddening. I remember so many races where they made questionable strategy calls, confident that it would somehow work out. You can do it, Lewis. You've got the pace. Yeah, we know, we know, we know, but you've done it before! Many times of Toto laughingly "apologising" on the radio afterwards, but you did it Lewis, what an amazing drive! Same thing with the pit stops. Of course there were races with absolute mastery of strategy and teamwork, but the cracks always showed, especially when the Mercedes was head to head with the Ferrari or, in 2021, with the Red Bull. It was Lewis who made the difference and often he did that despite the calls his team made.

They don't even need a car that is just as good as the Red Bull, just one that's close. They have such a good pairing that their drivers would manage to do that rest. That's how Merc has always operated and why they wanted George, who showed how he could outdrive that Williams. They make their drivers do most of the work and that's not even a bad thing, although not ideal, but when the car is as bad as it is now, why not focus on doing what you can to directly help, like the pit stops?

(Also, People used to think of Toto as this leadership genius, but he's never really understood the engeneering part of it all and he was never the reason they won. His attitude about not focusing on small things like their stops has always been shitty, another example is how he did not listen to Lewis during the whole sidepod saga and made the call to adapt way too late. He's brilliant with finance, but that is it. From a mechanical viewpoint he really does nothing to help and I don't see him leading at the moment, just sounding defeated and clueless and not laughing anymore while he is apologising to Lewis, because not even Lewis can save their face with that car and neither can George.)

absolutely agreed !! lewis is a master in that car and he has got the pace but it's got to be exhausting that the entire success of his team is put on his own shoulders and that his team isn't utilising everything they can to help him out. it's one thing to know you've done wrong and apologise about it, but it's another to actually learn from those mistakes and get better.

i'd indeed argue that alongside mclaren, mercedes right now has the best driver pairing. you've got a 7 time wdc who is still ever so hungry to learn and grow and compete, and george who's shown countless times that he is capable of winning races. so yeah!! so much fucking potential that's being wasted because mercedes doesn't prioritise getting everything right.

i also agree with your part on toto. he's part owner of the team and i highkey doubt he'll ever leave that spot (and i trust you on the financial aspect), but he is so not leading that team. look, hate on christian all you want, but i've always thought that christian is focused on putting the right people in the right spots and utilising everything he/they can to get the most out of every race. toto is not.

[haeresyys]

Gonna just rattle off some of my general Dottore thoughts + headcanons here

THIS IS KINDA LONG LMAO I’M SO SORRY IN ADVANCE ENJOY MY FUCKIN... MADDENED RAMBLINGS IG??? This bitch has been living rent free in my fucking head for months now and I don’t know how to evict him

We haven't gotten confirmation either way on how the Segments work I don't think, so I'm headcanoning them as at least partially organic until further notice jgksdjgk

Also I know we got that shot of that weird THING where Dottore's eyes should be when his model got posted, but you can pry red-eyed Dottore from my cold dead hands !!!!

(I personally think they just fucking slapped some textures under there because we're not supposed to see what his eyes look like yet. Think Kaeya's eye under the patch)

The way I draw him, he does have scars around his eyes underneath his mask, though I've probably tweaked how they look about half a dozen times by now. I'll post him later probably

My idea with that oneshot I wrote is that, despite his best efforts not to, Dottore is still capable of feeling emotions. Beyond basic things such as anger though he is... Not very well in touch with them. He insists he doesn't feel guilt in disposing of the other Segments. (If anything he almost sounded happy abt it while talking to Nahida bc it sounds like they never shut the fuck up lmfao) It only starts to sink in that maybe he does have some regrets when he starts having those nightmares.

He had countless pairs of eyes to give himself different views of the world, and now he only has himself. But he keeps pushing onward and shoving it back down, because to accomplish his goals, no length is too far. Dottore is completely and utterly ruthless, I think we all know this by now.

That also lends credence to how he could end up playable as well. I personally see him eventually getting a Cryo Vision, as (iirc) it's been shown that basically every Cryo user we've gotten so far has gotten theirs due to family conflict. And when you think about it, what he did to the Segments could be interpreted as him effectively killing his brethren or maybe some kind of extremely convoluted suicide WHDFHDSF it could honestly go either way

It's still too early to say on the Vision front tho lmfao it'll likely be a good year before he's playable

Moving back onto the Segments for a moment, the reason he gives in-game for creating them is... A lot more understandable than I expected. Giving himself multiple views of the world and effectively stopping time for that version of himself. The lengths he goes to in pursuit of knowledge are genuinely fucking impressive, and also go to show how utterly unhinged he is.

I saw this on Twitter first, but Dottore is extremely focused on preserving the past. Even outside of the Segments, there's lore in artifact descriptions and the like that point back to him as well, and though he keeps it under tight wraps, his conversation with Nahida gives a lot more insight into his mindset + who he is as a person than at first glance.

He says it himself: Humans have a hard time making peace with themselves. Wouldn't that also imply things like the passage of time? Growing older, and one's own mortality?

CHRIST I KNOW THIS IS A LOT BUT I THINK DOTTORE IS THE MOST INVESTED I'VE BEEN IN A CHARACTER IN A LONG FUCKING TIME LOL I AM FILLED WITH THOUGHTS™

There's a lot of potential with his character, and I think that's part of why I love him so much. He's just so fucking fascinating to me. Like. I know I haven't done RP shit in a long ass time (definitely FAR less than I used to), but Dottore is the closest thing I've had to a muse in years. Getting into his head is so unbelievably fucking fun for me

Anyway rant over lmfao back to your regularly scheduled whatever

[thekingofwinterblog]

It’s all for his sake - Endeavor and the Sunk Cost Fallacy

My hero academia 301 is a pretty interesting chapter, but for me, the most notable piece of it was how Endeavour reacted to the realization that Touya couldnt surpass All Might.

upon realizing that his son might not be able to do it because of inborn physical limitations, he immediatly stopped his training, which frankly was the responsible and adult thing to do. 

This stint of real parenthood did not last long however.

After taking the matter to a doctor, he is flat out told that not only cant Touya achive what endeavor wants, but it is a direct result of his incredibly selfish and irresponsible attempt to play god, by trying to breed the “perfect” hero into being.

It is how you react when you lose however, that shows who you really are, and endeavor illustrates that very, very well.

Upon being told in no uncertain terms that his attempts at Breeding an heir failed magnificently, producing a child that was not capable of resisting his own immense power, but also admonished by his doctor for even attempting it, and adviced not to try again, Endeavor instead doubled down, while focusing on the child he screwed over from the start with his attempt at genetic manipulation.

It was all for him you see. Endeavor doesnt use those words, but that is how he spins it here. it was all for Touya, all for his sake. if i stop now, then Touya was all for nothing, a mistake, im doing this for my son.

if im doing this for my son, then im not responsible for any of this.

his wife however, calls him out on it, as she understands Touya much, much more than endeavor does. or rather, she sees him fully as a human being, instead of as a thing, a weapon, a failed attempt at an heir.

Unlike Endeavor, Rei is able to see the way this all is affecting her son. She is able to see, and understand that Touya has fully accepted what Endeavor wanted him to be. a stronger, and better version of himself. however, unlike Endeavor, she only cares about him as a person.

Endeavour by comparison isnt completely uncaring about Touya. like most abusive parents, he does possess love for his offspring, but it is forever tainted by the fact that however much he might care, or not care about Touya, any familial love he has for his son is tainted by the fact that to Endeavor, he is a failed experiment, a failed heir, not his child. 

He is the golden child that Endeavor was building up as his true and only heir, who he breed, trained, and molded to for that single purpose, and now that he’s reached a point where he cant continue that legacy.

so, its time to abandon him, and start over new, despite literarily having just learned how stupid this plan was, and that it can, in fact, go completely wrong, with a quirk that will fuck over the person he brings into the world.

Of course, Endeavor doesnt use those words to frame it. there is no way to pretend to be a hero, if you phrase it like that after all. Intead, this is the words he uses.

this is a very important series of panels for a great number of reasons, some that can be debated, argued, and we will probably never know the full truth to the questions because this is a series published in 2020′s shonen jump, and there are things that probably wasnt gonna fly with Hori’s editors, if it was the case.

but lets start with what can not be debated. Endeavor’s words here.

“If we want him to give it up, then we have no choice... Touya... Cant surpass him.”

These are very telling words, and however you believe The third and fourth children of the Todoroki family was concieved, there is not denying the meaning of what he’s saying here.

The only way that my son will stop being an idiot and fall into line, is if we have another baby. that is the only Right way to move forward. it is morally right, because if we dont do this, then he’s going to destroy himself.

there are two ways to interpret this scene.

The charitable way is to read it as the fact that he used Rei’s oldest son’s mental state as a justification of guilting his wife to have a third child, to give this attempt at a superpowered breeding project another shot, despite the fact that they now know that this can lead to a child who is essentially born crippled from his own powers, and despite the fact that Rei obviously understands the effect of them continuing this insanity will have on their oldest son.

the uncharitable way to look at it, is that he used this as justification for flat out raping her, and forcing a third, and then later a fourth child on her.

I personally believe the last one, given a number of factors shown in this chapter(the way this page is framed, the fact Rei obviously didnt want a third child, given she predicted exactly how touya would react, the way her eyes would latet turn when she looks at who is presumably touya which really brings to mind how she would later react to her youngest son’s face after her mental breakdown, etc.), but i’ll frankly admitt that withouth a direct quote from Hori, its impossible to know for sure one way or another. 

either way however, this is a very good example of Endeavor both being influenced by, and using Sunk Cost Fallacy to justify bringing another potentially crippled child into the world for his own, selfish goals.

sunk cost Fallacy, is a mental reaction to when you invest more time and resources into a project, that you becomes so emotionally invested into said project that you will continue to invest into it, even if it reaches a point that it becomes clear that the resources you put into it, far, far outweighs the potential gains you can achieve.

because if you give up after having invested years, and years of effort to breed, raise, and train a kid, and then all that effort was absolutely wasted. hence he choose to keep going, despite having learned what a terrible idea this is.

He doesnt care about the fact that his next child might be even more crippled than his firstborn, he doesnt care about his son’s actual wellbeing. he cares about the fact that if he doesnt continue this insanity, then not only will he not achieve his dreams, but everything he did to get to this point was for absolutely nothing.

and endeavor cannot accept that. and so long as he can justify breeding more children into the world, and there being any chance they might inherit both quirks perfectly, he doesnt care about anything else.

and the moment he realised that this kid wasnt gonna cut it either, he did it again. it is not a coincidence, that the age gap between Endeavor’s second, third, and fourth children were all 3-4 years apart. because thats the age where you can usually tell when a quirk will manifest or not, as established earlier in the series.

While she isnt brought up directly by Endeavor as a justification, it is very telling that Endeavor decided on having a third child, only after his second child was old enough that he could tell that that there was no chance she could take the place as his heir instead.

So, he had his third child, and as time passed and it became obvious that he wasn’t gonna be able to fulfill Endeavor’s goals either, he dumped him, and instead breed a fourth child into existence.

and finally, he struck gold. he did it. he produced Shoto.

everything was finally worth it, and now, everything would be absolutely fine. the cost fallacy had reached its end, and it was now all full sails ahead.

except of course it wasnt.

His oldest son, now in middle school, had been raised from birth to believe he would surpass his father, only to be thrown away, and getting to see his father try to replace him, not once, but twice.

frankly, this scene is probably my favorite in the chapter, because it goes to show Endeavor’s mindset. Natsuo made a point that their father completely ignored his older children. and he did... from Natsuo’s perspective. however, having a more thourough picture of things, we can clearly see that this wasnt the case with Touya.

Endeavor genuinly cared for Touya, enough that once he got that child he tried to breed into existence 4 times, he genuinly wanted him to just abandon trying to be a hero. he genuinly thinks of himself as a good dad here, wanting his son to abandon the mission he set out for him before he was born. of course, with context, this heartwarming scene is incredibly sad and insidious, because we understand why Endeavor got so attached to his oldest child. because he WAS the golden child. he was the child Endeavor genuinly cared about, and invested in, and trained personally with great warmth and enthusiasm.

And not only did he abandon him as a failed project the moment he realized he wasnt gonna live up to his ridiculous standards, but he literarily created 2 more kids to try and replace him, just as his oldest son was old enough to understand what exactly his dad was doing. over the course of this chapter, we get to see Touya’s start as a 5-8 year old, his deteriorating mental state over the years, until he finally seemed to reach the breaking point with Shoto’s birth sometime in his middle school years 12-15. 

Endeavor is in this scene, just not capable of understanding why Touya so desperately wants to become a hero, when obviously he isnt physically able to do so. he isnt able to understand that he is 100% to blame for the fact that his son is having a full emotional breakdown after literaly being replaced by his siblings. 

In other words, Endeavor genuinly think’s he’s a good person. a person who has made a few mistakes along the way sure, but a person who was always justified in the end, and now that he’s having to face the fact that as dabi would later say “The past never dies” and has to face the aftermath of his inane attempt to play god for the pettiest of reasons, things simply arent going to work out.

He isnt going to have a happy family, who can now put the awful early years behind them, he put way too much effort, caused too much suffering and sacrificed too many years of his life for this not to work out as he wants.

after all, if he walks away from this project now, and lets Shoto have a normal childhood, and decide for himself, with no pressure from him, wheter or not to become a hero, then the sunk cost fallacy will have reached a negative end. it will all have been for nothing.

and we know he did eventually double down on this mentality, literarily beating into Shoto that he WAS going to become a hero, and there was not but’s or no’s about it.

there was no way that Endeavor was EVER going to let things be for nothing. His treatment of his older children could not be for nothing. His treatment of his wife could not be for nothing. His treatment of Shoto, and the way he beat him black and blue to train him, could not be for nothing.

Because if it all was for nothing, if everything he feels guilty about was for absolutely nothing, then he was in fact, a bad, bad person, who had no justification for anything he ever did.

[saphirered]

We've all seen fics where Caleb's SO dies and gets resurrected, and we seen Caleb accidentally hurting his SO, but what about Caleb accidentially killing his SO? Maybe Reader got burned by one of his fire attacks? The revival's successful, but damn, the angst.

Angst was requested and angst you shall receive. I hope this is to your liking. 😘

Trigger warning for death and grief themes.

Caleb sits on his knees, head bowed, whispering pleas in Zemnian to the gods, the world, to you, your cold hand encased between his own, occasionally pressing a kiss to it in the hopes you’d just wake up. But you’re not going to wake up. Not in the way you would in the morning when you’ve had a particularly late night and Caleb has to drag you out of bed, you being stubborn or pretending to still be asleep so you maybe could convince him to join you for a little more. Not in the way after you got knocked out in a fight, when you sit up and rub your eyes with a grunt like usual. Nothing within his capabilities will wake you up.

So here Caleb sits, begging for it to be a nightmare, some sick and twisted tricks played on his mind but there’s no denying this is real and this is the truth. You’re dead. You’re dead and it’s his fault. You ended up as collateral damage in his reckless attempt to kill the creature. You got stuck in the crossfire of that. He hadn’t realised you were doing so bad already, you even sent him a wink right before when he asked if you were okay. Why did you? Why didn’t you just tell him you weren’t? Why did you lie? Not lie, omitted the truth.

He knew exactly why you did it but that doesn’t make it any easier. You’d known the other’s weren’t doing great and barely holding on already. You were severely outmatched and couldn’t get away from the creature. Not without it chasing after you and running you in an even more perilous situation. Anything Caleb could do would affect anyone close to the creature. With Yasha having dragged Beau out of the fray you were the only one left to hold it at bay while the clerics worked on patching them up, Fjord and Veth offering them cover. You were the final line of defence. At the end of the day you had to keep the clerics alive.

Caleb took a calculated risk. A fireball to send the creature dropping into the ruined depths of Aeor. He had tried to keep you out of the range but wouldn’t have been able to strike the creature without putting you at risk. The spell worked and the creature got hit with full force. It was your attack right before the fireball struck that had send it stumbling, then with the blast, it lost its footing and stumbled off the edge.

But you too, dropped. and when you did, the creature’s tail lashed out, grabbing onto your body, dragging you with it. The creature had hit the platform below in its fall and the impact had made it release you, saving you from the full drop. Caleb had rushed to the edge, fear, pain, anger and guilt riddling his mind thinking he had truly lost you but there you were, bloodied, bruised, broken and burned. Because of him. All because of him. How could he have been so stupid and reckless. When he brought your body back to the others, he wasn’t quick enough. You’d already faded into the cold embrace of the Raven Queen and the clerics had expended their last resources.

So that leaves Caleb here, sitting at your side a day after you died, body preserved by the graces of Caduceus and the Wildmother. The clerics set up their ritual, working around him and you as the others help where they can. Beau and Veth had tried to console him, tell him it wasn’t his fault and if he hadn’t they might all have been dead right now. He appreciates his friends trying but it’s of no use. He already made up his mind and it’s not going to change anything. You died because of him. He murdered you and how is that any different than his actions in the past? How does that make him any different than the lives he’s taken in the clutches of his former mentor? Is there truly no redemption for him? You’d slap him for even thinking that way.

“Mr. Caleb? Why don’t you try talking to them? Persuasion has worked in the past to coax someone back.” Caduceus places a hand on the wizard’s shoulder but it barely registers. Yet the firbolg knows they did not fall upon deaf ears when the whispers stop for just a moment.

“I-. I do not think they’d want to hear from their murderer.” Speaking the words make them so much more painful. By the looks of it, Beau is ready to unleash in a degrading rant about how wrong Caleb is, breaking him apart only build him back up but she’s held at bay by Yasha. This is not the time and place. Caduceus doesn’t claim to know what Caleb’s going through, nor may he be the brightest mind here but he understands and can empathise.

“I know no matter what I say it won’t change your feelings so instead I will offer you this. You owe it to them to try. Not for what happened here but for the countless times they’ve been there for you, have had your back, and for the unconditional love they’ve given you. You owe them to try.” The wizard looks up over his shoulder to the firbolg, pain in his eyes, and the trails of silent tears that have long since run out. Caduceus is right. He owes it to you to save you and right now it is within his power to try. If he doesn’t, if he fails he’ll have condemned you to this fate. If he succeeds with this part, he’ll be able to look into your eyes again. You may never forgive him but he hopes to see you smile, hear your voice even if just once more.

Caleb nods looking back at you, bringing your limp fingers up to his lips and pressing them against your knuckles. He takes in a deep breath and tries to find the right words as Caduceus steps back. What are the right words? He cannot afford to fuck this up. He cannot afford to fail. He must succeed. He must.

“I know I might be the last person you want to hear right now. I want you to know I’m sorry-“ Caleb’s voice cracks as he feels the eyes of the others on him. He brushes some of your hair away from your forehead, running his thumb across your cheek.

“I don’t-uh. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I can do this. You’re always here for me during difficult times. You’d put your hand on my cheek and tell me ‘If anyone can do it it’s you, Caleb Widogast. You could move mountains if you set your will to it. Now stop being stubborn before I slap some sense in you.’ but now you’re not here to tell me that. You’ve shown me there’s a world beyond the walls I put up, that there is a light at the end of that tunnel, but now I cannot help but feel the world has grown dull, the walls are caving in, and that light is fading.”

“I have no right, no right to ask you this, but I need you to save my world one more time. So please, I beg of you. Do not leave me to brave this world without you.” The weight of his heart heavy on his conscious. Caleb feels a pressure causing a ringing in his ears. He’s so focussed on you, he cannot take his eyes off you. Not even when the others do their part in the ritual. He realises this pressure is coming from the effects of the spell to bring you back. He holds his breath, not daring to take in oxygen if only to savour the moment, hoping it will not pass, that for just a little longer he can hold on to the hope you’re coming back instead of having that hope crushed by a potential failure.

The pressure fades but nothing happens. Nothing changes. It’s silent as everyone waits for something, anything to happen. That moment alone feels like an eternity of suspense. Caleb finds himself whispering prayers and pleas in Zemnian again, your hand clasped between his own as he squeezes his eyes shut tightly to live through the memories of you, preserve them for the rest of his life just in case because he refuses to forget even a single one of them. He’s so consumed in his own mind he doesn’t notice warmth returning to your fingers. He doesn’t notice your chest beginning to rise and fall. Caleb’s pleas continue.

“Would you mind translating that? I think my brain got a bit scrambled.” Caleb freezes and his eyes open. Your eyes are closed but your brow is furrowed. Furrowed in discomfort. Not sleeping and not void of your usual expressions. Colour has returned to your limbs and face and no longer dulled. Caleb falls silent in disbelief, frozen in place and mind blank.

“Caleb?” You speak his name, peaking through one eye to see the wizard in his disheveled state. You sit up, grunting in pain. Apparently being brought back from the dead isn’t kind on your physical form, not even mentioning the exhaustion weighing on your mind. You could sleep for a couple of hours… or days… or weeks… You could do with a break really. All of you could. You nudge Caleb’s head up by his chin allowing your fingers to slide onto his cheek.

“Blink twice if you need me to get Beauregard to slap you back into reality.” You muster a smile as you brush your thumb over his cheekbone. Caleb doesn’t understand how you’re not recoiling in disgust or lashing back in anger. He doesn’t understand how you can look at him with love and kindness.

“I’m so sorry. Please-“ Caleb goes off in a spur of apologies, begging for your forgiveness.

“Caleb, I love you but you really need to stop. This is a problem for another day.”

“You died. I killed you. How can you even look at me like you do?”

“So what? I died. I’m here now. I got better. Now preferably I’d like to not die again, some things are beyond our control. And if you need some kind of reassurance; Veth killed Cad that one time and he doesn’t hate her.” Veth yells a ‘hey’ in defence while you earn a chuckle from the firbolg. You know Caleb isn’t just going to take your word for it and you’re also not going to make anyone buy you’re totally okay with just dying and being brought back to life because you’re not but you also know that you can’t blame Caleb for being a factor in what happened when you yourself were aware of the risks of the situation you were in. You made your own bet and it didn’t pay off but all your friends are still alive and well, Caleb’s still alive and well and that alone makes it worth the risk you took.

“You have no idea how much I love you.” Caleb breathes as he pulls you into his arms with a gentleness as if you’re made of porcelain, or will fade out of existence if he holds on too tightly.

“I think I have a pretty good estimate but we can compare notes later if you’d prefer.” You pull back enough to look at Caleb’s face, brush aside some of the red strands and softly place your lips on his. It’s not a heated kiss but one filled with emotion and a desperation no less. Neither of you thought you’d get to be in each other’s arms again but here you are despite everything. Maybe your work here isn’t done yet. You still got some asses to kick.

[sixeyesgojo]

Why do you love Gojo so much? I’m sorry if this question has been asked before

Anon, don't worry about asking twice or even three times...

Are you prepared for this answer though? I don't know how long this answer will be... I'll try to keep it rather short though because otherwise it would entail a full analysis of Gojo's entire character...

TL;DR: Love me a man who's a little yum yum, a little cray-cray and uwu uwu.

Manga spoilers?

The superficial aspects I really like in fictional characters: appearance (especially the hair), the strength and teasing attitude. Gojo just happens to have all three of them.

If I take a look at my MAL favorite character list, I have 9 characters on there and 4 of them have white/silver hair. And yes, all of them are super strong in their respective verse, so at this point the formula is "white hair = strong" in my head.

Gojo is also a tease. I like that about him because he's not over the top where it's just mean, unless he's talking to an enemy or someone he hates.

His confidence is something I admire and long for because I lack it. His sweet tooth is also something I personally vibe with because I, too, have an insatiable sweet tooth.

On top of that... a character voiced by Nakamura Yuuichi-san? How can I say no?

On a rather deeper level?

From the first moment I got to know this man called Gojo Satoru, I just knew that his cheerful character hid something deeper. (Most of the characters I'm drawn to do.)

And of course, my hunch proved to be right: Gojo Satoru is such a deep, complex and multi-faceted character. He's also one of the few characters that are not defined by the series but instead, he defines the series. It's shown in the fact that the enemies wouldn't make a move just because he exists.

On the one hand, we have the goofy teacher that annoys the living hell out of Megumi simply by being himself and regularly giving Ijichi a heart attack. He also seems to be super cocky and pretty close to having a God complex or something like that (before you ask: no, I do not believe Gojo has a God complex but that's a post for another day... maybe).

That's what we all see at first.

On the other hand, if you dive deeper into his character, you'll quickly notice some other things.

First of all, he's a "shitty teacher". Gojo sucks at traditional teaching, alright? In that aspect, I think Utahime and Kusakabe do better. If you think about it though, Gojo does not suck at teaching at all.

He simply nurtures his students in his own, sometimes twisted, way, with the intention of bringing out their highest potential for growth with each mission or task he assigns.

He uses uncommon methods for this but not before making sure the students are as safe as you can be as Jujutsu sorcerer. After all, he treasures his students a great deal (as can be seen in pretty much every interaction he has with Yuji and also when Yuji dies).

I've said he strives to nurture his students' growth, yes, but he's also respectful about it: He expects great things from Megumi, yet doesn't train him but instead waits for the younger one to approach him.

Yuji is a different matter in this case. Gojo - as busy as that man is - takes in the student without judging him for being Sukuna's vessel and chooses to personally supervise his growth as a sorcerer when he didn't have to - it just adds one more burden onto his already stuffed plate - yet he did. Because he cares. He cares about not unnecessarily throwing another life away (Yuta + Yuji). And he cares about Megumi's opinion or else he wouldn't even ask?

As much as caring Gojo goes, he's also very much capable of being unhinged and feral, if there is need (Shibuya).

He doesn't seem like your typical shonen anime hero that protects people/is on the side of 'justice' "because it's the right thing to do", but rather, he recognizes the faults within this so-called 'justice' and tries to uproot the cause of it. He's capable of thinking and judging for himself and chooses to constantly go against orders that he doesn't think are appropriate - the execution of Yuta and Yuji are one example. Another one would be him and Geto deciding to call off the merger (and you know how important that was), should Amanai Riko express the desire to live on as a normal teenage girl.

Moreover, the drastic change in character is what makes him interesting as well.

At first, he's a cocky teenager who thinks of himself oh-so-highly, with every right. For the longest time, he believed he was undefeatable, only to be proven wrong in a battle against Toji, a man without cursed energy.

This fall from graces shakes him to his core because what? He's been defeated? And thus, he enters a mindset he probably never experienced before: instability and vulnerability first cloud his mind - and he's not capable of processing it at first, leaving him in a delirious state, to the point where Toji questions himself: "Is this man high?"

On top of all this, his best friend 'betrays' the side he is on and defects; that's gotta be a huge blow mentally... and then he has to finish of said friend as well.

That didn't go without consequences.

After Geto's defection that ultimately lead to death in later years... for the first time in Gojo's life, he displays a weakness that is exploitable, used against him in Shibuya.

His fall from grace is a fall from being the strongest to 'oh, maybe I was wrong'.

Gojo went from being a teenager with no apparent goal to being an adult that wants to change the world to one where his (already deceased) best friend can laugh from the bottom of his heart.

On a more personal note:

Generally, his (pretty easy-going) attitude just makes me happy and has actually brought me comfort in harder times.

Obviously, this manchild is also my biggest muse. I have written fanfiction for other fandoms before but I have never published them but Gojo just makes it so easy, I'm having a lot of fun with his character. Plus, without JJK and Gojo, I wouldn't have come to Tumblr at all and therefore, wouldn't have met the wonderful people I call my friends now 💕

All in all, I love the tragedy in his character as the strongest but his unyielding resolve of staying strong, being strong, being the best he can be. The cruelty he, without a doubt, witnessed over and over again, yet he stays kind and caring throughout all of it. Oh, how easy it would be for him to simply destroy everything? "But nobody would support a mass murderer," he is so big-brained for this.

I don't think there's a single aspect of him I do not love? I really adore this man so much.

-

And yes, this was rather short and I am sure I missed multiple things but I do hope my answer helped.

Maybe, MAYBE, I will post a full one on another day. But that one would be long as fuck...

[sillysunshinesstuff]

The Absolute Fuckery that was 15x20

Ok there were a lot of reasons why the final was bad. Like so many fucking reasons. Even without the queerbaiting,this is some of the worst writing I’ve ever seen and here’s a few reasons why: 

Destiel

Yes. Big main reason here. They should not have included a confession and have one of the main plots of season 15 be Castiel’s and Dean’s relationship if they didn’t intend to follow through in any way. It shouldn’t have been introduced because the story became disjointed and thematically unsatisfying due to not being addressed in the final in any sort of way. Also, queerbaiting in 2020? Just to get your views up for the last few episodes because they knew Supernatural had become a shit show of bad ratings? Calculated and cruel toward the LGBTQIA+ community who has supported their careers for years. 

Saileen

The absolute least they could have done was see this plot point through but they did not. We do not know if Eileen lives and even if they release information that she did, it’s still bullshit because we don’t get to see any part of her story. She has been reduced to a two dimensional character with no agency or purpose. Another woman just meant to prop up the male lead. Bullshit. 

The Empty

What the fuck was the point of everything about this plot line if it would just be trashed half way through? Why did Cas make that deal with Ruby? Why did she beg to get out? Why did the Empty accuse Jack of making it loud? I really thought they were going somewhere with this one but they chickened out. There was so much potential for this; the angels and demons being awakened, balance being restored in heaven and hell, a big final show down between them and God. There were so many things just dropped when it came to this and that is why season 15 is absolutely frustrating because it feels like we just wasted our time with useless world building that didn’t amount to anything. 

Kevin

I truly did think they’d address this in some sort of way, but the last time we saw Kevin, he was cursed to wander the earth until he became insane because his soul couldn’t ascend to heaven. I was really excited about this because I thought it meant there was going to be some restructuring of the Supernatural universe. The plot would be how the universe Chuck created wasn’t perfect and it had flaws and it was up to Team Free Will to fix some of these gaping holes. They made a point of calling it unfair. It was a wrong that should have been righted in some sort of way in the final. 

Benny

This really isn’t just about Benny, it is about the concept of purgatory. A running theme in the show is that good people don’t deserve what happened to them. We see a lot of “good” monsters throughout the show. Characters who helped, sacrificed, and died for the brothers. At the end, they are sent to monster hell or purgatory. There was an episode this season where Sam and Dean killed a teenage boy who had been turned into a vampire. The teenage boy accepted his death because he knew it was for the best. He was afraid of hurting more people and he accepted that it was unfair. They made sure to emphasize how unjust the rules of this universe were and the emotional toll these universal rules took on the boys. Benny’s demise was spoken about briefly and we see Dean very hurt about his death. But the audience is left with the feeling that this is wrong. That the way the Supernatural universe is structured is wrong. Good people get turned into monsters, die, go to purgatory, and then die the ultimate death there. Is this what’s in store for all the “good monster” characters in the show? Garth? His family? They’re werewolves who fight their monster instincts, do they they still deserve purgatory? Did that teenage boy? A gaping hole that I thought the show was going to address in some way. Maybe offer redemption to those in purgatory or have Jack completely wipe away the concept of monsters in the universe. After all, it was just Chuck’s shitty writing, why couldn’t they wipe it clean and just leave people? “Cure” people of the monster and officially give the boys a way out of hunting? No monsters means no hunting. They’d be truly free. I thought this was direction they were going based off the certain episodes and characters discussed. But nope.

Jack

They reduced Jack’s character to plot food and that’s it. His ending was sloppy because it didn’t take into account any of the growth he’s had over the last three seasons. We predicted his ending from season 12 and that’s bad writing. Just. Awful writing. This character had dreams, motivations, relationships, but that all quite literally dissipated. He was used as a magic button that solved all their problems. 15x19 truly showed the lack of thought put into his character. He should not have been a main character if he didn’t have more influence on the plot than simply being a cop-out for having to write a well thought out solution. He was literally just there to snap his fingers and fix all their problems. 

Dean

Oh yeah, Dean’s ending was a big fuck you to any character growth this character has had over the last 15 seasons. There is a line in his final 15 minute goodbye monologue where he says they always knew it would end this way. Which, exactly. We always thought it would end this way because it’s so goddamn predictable. It’s shitty writing because it doesn’t try to subvert this. It quite literally says that any growth Dean has had meant nothing because it didn’t change his end. Dean Winchester was always meant to die a young, bloody death. Everything he’s done, everything he’s bled and sacrificed for meant nothing. His prediction came true. It makes the audience wonder why they stuck around for this long ass journey if they knew the ending all along. It isn’t about what this character deserves. We have always known that the hero deserves happiness, but the ending should say something about why the story matters. Why did we see Dean struggle all his life about accepting himself? Loving himself? Seeing himself as someone who deserves to live? It was yet another theme and plot point throughout season 15. It’s what Castiel proclaimed to him in his confession and it is what Dean finally acknowledged by telling Chuck that’s not who he was. Dean Winchester is not a cold blooded killer. Dean Winchester deserved to live. It was beautiful character growth. A wonderful end to him. But they said fuck that when his last words were that he always knew it would end this way. That he always knew he wasn’t meant to live a long life. The writers wanted tears and they got them. I was crying, not because it was a beautiful satisfying death or ending, but because they tore apart 15 years of development for my beloved character. Dean Winchester has shown consistently that he wanted more than hunting, he wanted more than the life he got stuck with. But they didn’t follow through. They just decided to make an emotional ending because that was the coolest broest bro masculine thing to do. 

Castiel

Literally everything. Literally fucking everything. Another character that was reduced to plot food. Castiel, the angel who rebelled against heaven and fell for the man he raised from perdition, was not deemed important enough to be in the final. This was the biggest fuck you of all. His story had become so complicated over the last few seasons and his purpose was kinda everywhere but they finally focused it when they had his happiness be Dean. When he said he found his faith when he found a family. When he became a father to someone who would one day save the universe. Castiel lived for the love he learned he was capable of. His ending just made no sense. I guess we’re supposed to assume Jack saved his from the empty but he wasn’t shown. He was not shown greeting Dean, the man he died for over and over again, his happiness. He was not shown being reunited with Jack, his faith. He was not shown enjoying the life he fell from grace for. He was a book with half its pages ripped out. Castiel didn’t get an ending. He got erased. 

Sam

That fucking wig. 

This is just some of my rambling thoughts I wanted to share will all of you. I have been a fan of this show for so many years. I invested so much time and love into something I’m going to look back on with bitter disappointment. Some of shittiest writing I have ever seen. Thanks for reading and add some more reasons. I know a missed a shit ton. 

[iamanartichoke]

... All right, let’s do this. 

Under the cut bc there’s SO MANY images, and I’m sorry, and I know the cut is worthless to mobile users but, well, here we are. Please don’t unfollow me for this post specifically. 

^^ I can’t decide if this woman holding the Tesseract is impressive or not bc, I mean, she’s wearing a glove - but, Red Skull probably was, too? Also the TVA are obviously not humans, so “impressive” may be generous. On the other hand, “only beings of enormous power” can wield the Tesseract/infinity stones, so. 

Loki looks pissed. 

“I know what this place is.” I like this, bc it provides us with some narrative evidence that Loki has always known much more about the universe and How Things Work than anyone cared to realize. Loki’s always known what’s going on; that he isn’t ignorant to the existence or inner functions of the TVA feels in-character. 

Inception! 

Lokiception! 

Why does every shot of the TVA’s headquarters look like the inside of a poorly-lit DMV? Though I guess it fits with the “timelessness” of it all as, after all, time ceases to exist or have meaning once you enter the DMV. 

But I digress. 

I’ve already remarked on the “I’m smart” comment, but I do like this shot. 

I really love what Loki’s hair is doing here, I don’t even care. For better or for worse, his hair’s doing it’s own all-natural thing and I dig it. Let it move, let it dance, let it fall into his face and obscure his features as fanfic has allowed so many times. 

I’m not a fan of the exaggerated jump or “wtf” expression along with “this is absurd” but THIS moment? Classic Loki. He looks 500% done and we’re only 51 seconds in. Also, I refuse to believe that stack of papers is everything Loki’s ever said. I know we all complained about the “you love to talk” line but, I mean, certainly he’s said more than approximately the total sum of Ulysses in his 1000 years of existence. 

Here’s what I want to know: 

1. How does Loki taking the Tesseract result in so many new timeline branches? Surely he’s only responsible for one new timeline? I really, really hope they address that this is all the Avengers’ fault. 

2. What timeline is WandaVision and TFatWS taking place in? The main one, I presume? How do we know it’s not one of these alternate ones? 

3. Which timeline is Agents of SHIELD in and will they be addressed? Bc they got up to all kinds of Time Shenanigans in seasons 5, 6, and 7 to the point where I’m pretty sure they split off into their own universe (which is why they weren’t affected by the Snap or that whole thing, or so I’ve heard). If Loki crosses paths with Coulson & crew, I may pee my pants.

4. So where does Jessica Jo - ah, forget it, I’m not even going to ask. 

I wonder what it is about this “unique Loki perspective” that Mobius is interested in recruiting. (Incidentally, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Owen Wilson in, like, a real role - wherein he’s not playing some version of Owen Wilson, that is. He’s got a costume and everything here. Fun to see!) 

This is a bamf shot, okay. The way it’s framed is pretty intimidating. 

“You listen well, brother -” 

“I’m listening.” 

^^ I figured out what kind of energy this moment has, lmao. 

“It’s adorable that you think you can manipulate me.” I mean, do I even have to comment? I am here for narratively validating the “Loki is ten steps ahead” (heh, and I quote) canon. Here’s another place where I feel like Tom was involved, since I’m pretty sure that somewhere, he’s literally said “Loki’s always ten steps ahead of everyone else.” 

That said, I’m not crazy about the delivery of this line; the over-confident tone of it smacks of “here’s someone about to get knocked the fuck off their pedestal” and I’m not here for that. 

That said, these next scenes - 

- not only show Loki with the upper hand but, also, it’s clear that Loki goes rogue at some point, possibly early on, and I do like that. Drag me if you will, but I want to see Loki scheming and being manipulative, in his own interests. 

I think that Loki being the protagonist will allow them to portray his manipulation in a way that the audience is on his side. I don’t think that the TVA is being framed as the “reliable narrator” through which the audience should view Loki, or “good guys” at all; I think that maybe they’re not evil, but there’s probably a lot of morally-grey shenanigans and goings-on. 

I also think Loki is capable of outwitting them; Loki, being ten steps ahead, has probably figured out something that the TVA has not even thought of yet, so he’s going to fix things his own way, according to his own plan. And I want to see that, because I think that this will give the narrative room to really explore both how Loki thinks and what he does when his plans go awry (as I’m sure they’re bound to do); like, how will he fix it and still remain on top in the end?

So, I mean, I’m pretty intrigued (and still cautiously optimistic). 

Lots of action shots happening, I won’t add even more images to this post, but this magic is still giving me life. 

What is this, a food court? (Speaking of which , what’s up with all the action in the mall earlier?) 

“I’ve studied almost every moment of your life” 

(^^ Missed opportunity)

“and you’ve literally stabbed people in the back like 50 times.” 

Receipts or it didn’t happen, and that’s all I’m gonna say about that line right now. 

Thanks, I hate it. This is all wrong, this whole thing - just awful, scrap it, toss it out. Tom, I love you, but this was the wrong delivery and an all-around bad acting decision. It’s too over-the-top, too earnestly “well I never!”, too comical (as in, feels like it belongs in a comic with a speech bubble as opposed to funny). 

Once more, with feeling. From the top! 

I like that we get to see Loki doing a wardrobe change, as I don’t think we’ve gotten to see that before. He always just shows up in a new outfit or illusions one on. 

That’s one ugly ass outfit, but you make it look passable, Loki. You’re beautiful, in case no one’s told you that today. 

The remaining shots are very visually pleasing and action-y and I dig them, except the volcano one (stop posing with your arms outstretched every five seconds, Loki, it’s kinda cringe. In the above still, it works; in front of a volcano, it’s just tonally off. I say this with love, don’t @ me). 

Overall, I think I maintain my 7/10 rating. I think that the trailer hints at a lot of potential in the story that I will enjoy seeing, and I think that the nature of it being a trailer means that it’s a little tonally hyperbolic (this is kinda the format for Disney shit; show the flashy bits, the funny (”funny”) bits, to draw in the casual viewer. Save the story bits for the show. (Case in point: there’s a lot of great material in TFatWS that happened just before or after the one-liners shown in the trailer.) 

So, yes. Sorry this is such a mammoth post, I just needed to explode my feels. If you think the trailer’s awesome, kudos and I love you. If you’re disappointed and upset, I’m sorry and I love you. If you’re hovering in the middle, still in cautiously optimistic territory, pull up a seat and have some popcorn with me. 

That is all. 

[backtobackbakubabe]

Speak Easy Part 18

Dabi x Reader, Bakugo x Reader

Words : 4276

Masterlist

Reader has a siren quirk and has spent the past several years of her life as a captive being experimented on by “heroes” Now that she’s out she needs protection and safe place to heal. Who will be the one to put her pieces back together.

Words with ‘this’ is dialogue written in her journal rather than said out loud and and words with ~this~ is dialogue said in sign language rather than out loud.

**********************************************************************

It’d been a little over a week since Shoto promised to go to the doctor with you and you were getting a little nervous. At first you were just waiting for the doctors to get settled in, but then Shoto was busy helping get things up and running and evacuating people to the bunker. Now you’ve just been chickening out.

Your period was a few days late, which wouldn’t be concerning if it weren’t for your current circumstance.

You woke up this morning and made a cup of coffee before taking Bravo out for a stroll around the bunker. He loved being able to run around and meet new people. He was a hit with the kids. They loved playing with him almost as much as he loved playing with them. The only downside was, there was only two places in the entire massive bunker that he could go to the bathroom. The farm and a small animal relief area near where the trash is dumped.

Needless to say, neither smelled great, but the farm was considerably better. So here you were, sitting on a small platform that oversees the crops with a cup of coffee and a book. Bravo sitting next to you keeping watch.

It was always a little chilly down here, which you honestly preferred. It just meant you could wear lots of hoodies. The more you could hide your body the better. Ever since leaving Dabi’s house you felt like you were always being watched. You felt so exposed and you just wanted to blend into the background.

Today you wore a new hoodie that Izuku had gotten you. It was probably one of the softest things you owned, and it was the prettiest shade of blue. The blue reminded you of a certain someone’s eyes… of the beautiful blue flames they were capable of creating… but then you’d shake the thought from your head and pull it closer around you.

You were enjoying your new freedom. Not that Dabi’s house had been a prison… but you hadn’t realized how much you missed doing things on your own. You had thought being alone would be hard, but you were thriving. It was never being alone that bothered you before, it had been his absence.

Against Katsuki’s wishes… Shoto had shown you the photos of what was left of Dabi’s car. And he hadn’t been exaggerating. You had almost passed out looking at how much blood soaked the driver seat and even the road around it.

You had been so lost lately. You didn’t know how you were supposed to feel. Your heart ached. You thought you had finally found your home. You had finally started to feel your pieces come back together. Now you felt like that would never happen. He took the last few pieces of your heart with him and you felt like you would never be whole again.

Dabi had been your comfort, your safety, your home. Now you were lost.

You hated that you felt this way. You should hate him. You should curse his fucking name. You shouldn’t be crying yourself to sleep over his death.

His death…

Was he dead? You weren’t convinced. It was too convenient, and there wasn’t a body. You wanted proof. Until then you’d go on believing he was still out there.

You closed the book you were reading. You had been on the same page for the past 10 minutes.

There was no way he wrecked his car like that. You had been in the car with him twice. Yes, he drove a little fast… but he wasn’t reckless. Either it was an elaborate cover up, or someone was after him. Or maybe… someone had been after you and he had gotten stuck in the middle as collateral damage.

“You look like you’re thinking too hard.”

Shoto came and took a seat next to you. “I’d ask what’s on your mind, but I’m pretty sure I already know.”

“Am I that obvious?” You leaned your head on his shoulder.

He leaned his head on top of yours. “It’s normal. I’d actually be surprised if you weren’t torn up over it.”

You let out a shaky breath. “I can’t stop worrying about him. I keep wondering where he is. If he’s okay. If there’s some grand explanation for his shitty behavior.” You shrugged. “I’m just finding it hard to grasp that the same man who held me during my panic attacks was also secretly planning to breed me… It just doesn’t add up.”

“Guilt does weird things to people.” Shoto’s hand found yours and gave it a squeeze. “I know he’s my brother, but I have no doubts about who knew him best. I only know a version of him. I only knew what he wanted me to.” He sighed, “It was obvious you meant a lot to him, and I could see him becoming more… I don’t know… human? For the first time in years he was showing emotions that weren’t rage. It would make sense if you were starting to make him question what side he was on.”

Your eyes narrowed, “So what? You think he did some shitty stuff and decided to help me… because he felt guilty about it? That doesn’t make any sense.” You pushed away from him to look him in the eyes. “Dabi only does what Dabi wants to do. That has been clear to me since day one. So what the fuck did he want out of this? None of it makes sense. Was I just a possession to him? Was I a bargaining chip? Was I just some broken pet that he got validation from nursing back to health? What?!”

You could feel your hysteria building and Bravo put his head in your lap in an attempt to calm you down. You took a few deep breaths. “He better fucking be alive… so I can kick his ass myself.”

Shoto chuckled, “Touya doesn’t stand a chance.”

His eyes looked distant and sad. You nudged his shoulder with your own, “Hey can I ask you something?”

He blinked away whatever far away memory he was thinking about, “I don’t see why not.”

“What was he like? Touya I mean… Before he became Dabi.”

Shoto’s lip turned up just slightly, “He was the best big brother I could have ever had. He was always there to help me when our dad was too rough with me. My dad tried to keep us separated… didn’t want me mingling with what he considered to be his biggest failure.” You flinched at the casual way he talked about the abuse they endured. “But Touya would sneak into my room at night. He taught me how to handle my burns and would bring me cold soba on bad days.” His eyes glassed over, “I was devasted when he died. Well… when I thought he died.”

“I blamed my dad, we all did. So, when he came out of hiding, it was like this enormous weight had lifted off of my shoulders. I hadn’t even realized I was carrying it around, but I had never truly gotten over his death.” He chuckled, “So I went looking for him. I didn’t care if he was Touya or Dabi, I just wanted him in my life again. I’d take what I could get. So, I settled for our don’t ask don’t tell relationship.”

You felt a tear that wasn’t yours hit your lap. Of course this would be hard on Shoto, he’s potentially lost his brother for the second time. “If it makes you feel any better… He admitted to me that he loved you.” You smirked, “Well actually he told me he used to hate you which contradicts your story quite a bit. But he said he always wondered if things would have been better for you if he stuck around.”

Shoto laughed, “Sounds like him. Trying to act like the tough guy who didn’t give a shit… Just like how he was with you. I can’t tell you how many times he called me when he was gone checking on you. Texting me every single time your vitals spiked. He would check the cameras and send me voice memos about how he was going to beat my ass if I didn’t keep my hands where he could see them while we were sparing. But then he would deny it when I asked what going on between the two of you.”

“Hey, come on, I have an idea.” You stood and walked over to the corner of the field behind a small tool shed. You picked up a massive rock and moved it so it was hidden from view. “Can you burn his name into it?”

Shoto eyes darkened, “You want to have a funeral? We don’t even know if he’s dead…”

You nodded, “You’re right we don’t… but I think it’ll make it easier. We can have a place to morn him in private. Weather we mourn his death… or the death of who he could have been.”

Shoto’s shoulder slumped and eventually he nodded. His hand heated up and with his finger he wrote on the rock, “R.I.P. TOUYA”

You both sat there for a while just staring at the rock. You felt too cold standing here in the shade of the tool shed. You gripped your hoodie closer to you and held back the tears that you desperately wanted to shed. You knew you shouldn’t, but you let yourself think of Touya. You thought about what he would have been like if he had gone to UA. If he had become a hero. If you had met him under better circumstances. Would the two of you still have ended up together? Without your mountains of combined trauma would you even be the same people?

“You ready? We should head out soon or we’ll be late for your appointment.”

You rubbed your eyes and sniffled, “Yeah… let’s get this over with.”

Bravo wasn’t allowed in the medical side of the bunker, so you made a quick detour to your room to drop him off. Shoto quietly following behind you. “So how are things with you and Bakugo?”

You groaned and rubbed your temples.

Shoto chuckled, “That good huh?”

“He’s been hovering over me like I’m going to shatter into a million pieces at the slightest inconvenience. I appreciate what he’s trying to do… but it’s just too much. I told him I needed space… and we had a fight. He hasn’t spoken to me in two days.”

Shoto whistled, “I never thought I’d see the day that the two of you had a real fight. Sure, you always bickered like an old married couple growing up. But on anything serious he always caved to your every wish.” He paused at your door, “Wait. So, are you the reason he’s been extra grumpy lately?”

You blushed, “I don’t know… Maybe?”

You gave Bravo an extra scratch behind his ear before closing the door. At that same moment you heard the door next door click shut. Your eyes snapped up to meet Katsuki’s. “Oh hey… I didn’t know you were back from the surface yet.”

“Got back early this morning… I was actually on my way to see you. You have a time to get an early lunch? I want to talk to you about something.”

You played with the ends of your hair, which was an immediate give away that you were nervous. “I actually have some plans with Shoto. But I’m free after that. Shouldn’t take too long though.”

His eyes narrowed at your nervous posture and you cursed how well he knew you. “Oh yeah? What are you guys up to? Maybe I’ll tag along.”

You began to stutter but thankfully Shoto interrupted, “Clingy isn’t a good look for you Bakugo. Like she said… it’s not going to take long. Just wait here and she’ll be back soon.”

You saw Katsuki bristle and decided to step in before he picked a fight with Shoto. You stepped over to him and put your hand on his shoulder. “Hey, I just dropped Bravo off. He’s had some pretty bad separation anxiety lately so why don’t you go to my apartment and hang out with him while I’m gone. Make some coffee, pick out a movie or something. I’ll be back soon, and we can talk then.”

His posture softened as he looked you up and down. It was obvious to him that you were nervous. But he was trying his hardest to give you the space you wanted. He pulled you to him as he sighed, trapping you in his arms. “Okay fine. I’ll babysit the mutt. Can you do me a favor and bring back some migraine medication from the medical ward. My heads killing me.”

You nodded stiffly, hoping it was just a coincidence he needed something from the medical ward. “Not a problem. I have the weighted blanket you gave me on the couch if you want to take a nap while I’m gone. You look like you could use one.”

He squeezed you tighter to him. “I’ll be fine.” He leaned his head on top of yours. “I’ll be better once we stop fighting about stupid shit though.” He pressed a quick kiss to the side of your head, “I’ll see you when you get back.” He released you and looked to Shoto, “Try to behave. The two of you hanging out makes me nervous.”

Shoto chuckled, “Good. You should be nervous. If you don’t figure your shit out soon, I’ll be taking your best friend spot… Kacchan.”

You snorted as you pulled Shoto away. “Are you trying to get your ass kicked? You know only Izuku gets away with calling him that! Well… and me when he’s in a good mood. But even that’s pushing it.”

“Oh, he’ll get over it. He needs a reality check. He thinks the world revolves around him.” He led you down the hall. “He can be such a pain sometimes. But I will admit he’s so much easier to be around now than when we were in high school.” He bumped your shoulder, “In a way it’s thanks to you. As sad as it is, when you went missing, he matured. It was like out of nowhere he realized there were more important things in the world then him and his hero status.”

Something about talking about Katsuki’s emotional vulnerability while walking to the clinic to check if you were pregnant with Dabi’s child made you feel slimy. “Can we talk about something else. Literally anything else. How are you and Izuku doing?”

“Good… we settled into our room. It’s a nice enough room… but it’s right next to my dad’s room. Apparently he’s thought all this time that we were just roommates.” He threw his hands up and scoffed, “Honestly! Did he think we were both professional heroes, making tons of money, but couldn’t afford to live on our own?”

You giggled, “That sounds awkward. These walls aren’t exactly thick.”

“Oh believe me I know. And I don’t care. Poor Izuku though can’t even look my dad in the eye now without blushing.”

You laughed so hard you had to wipe away a tear. “Aw poor Izuku… He’s too innocent for this world.”

Shoto scoffed, “Innocent my ass. That man is a freak in—”

You held up a hand. “Stop, stop, stop! I don’t want to know. He is a pure innocent little muffin who used to braid my hair before workouts.”

“I thought Bakugo was the one who braided your hair? I can’t imagine him being okay with Izuku being that close to you.”

You laughed. “Oh he wasn’t at first. But mostly because Izuku was better than him at something. Kats liked to braid my hair in private while we watched TV.” You shook your head at the memory, “He actually got to be really good at it eventually.”

Shoto had succeeded in distracting you long enough to make the trip to the medical ward, but now that you were here the anxiety was creeping back in.

You paused before crossing the threshold. You knew it was important to find out once and for all if you were pregnant. But you were also enjoying living in ignorance. The fact that you didn’t know meant that you could live your life as normal. If you were pregnant… it would flip your entire world upside down. You would have a life you would be responsible for, a little human that would constantly remind you of the love that almost broke you.

If you weren’t pregnant then… you didn’t know how you would feel. Would you be relieved? Would you mourn?

Your hand found your flat stomach and clenched your shirt. You took a few steps further into the ward and was hit an overwhelming sterile smell. Your breathing hitched and your knees shook. It was too clean. It was too white. It reminded you too much of the lab.

Shoto’s hand took yours and gave it a soft tug. “Hey. It’s fine. You don’t have to do all of this. I can go in and request a pregnancy test and we can go back and do this in your room. Would that make you feel better?”

You shook your head, “Katsuki’s there…”

Shoto’s shoulders sagged, “At this point I think he’d be more upset at you hiding this from him. I’m not telling you how to live your life. I think you’ve earned the right to do whatever the fuck you want. But if it were me… I’d want as big of a support system as I could get…”

You chewed on your bottom lip as you thought about it. Did you want Katsuki to know? How would he react? What if you were pregnant? Would he be disgusted with you? Would he want to help? Your head was spiraling down a rabbit hole of what it and it was starting to make you dizzy.

“Hey, breathe! Just take a deep breath. Let’s get you out of here before you have a panic attack. Wait outside for me. I’ll get everything we need.

You pushed the wave of anxious nausea down and gave a shaky nod. “Okay… But remember to get some migraine medication for Ka—”

“Yeah. Yeah, I remember. Go sit down outside and try and focus on your breathing I’ll be right back.”

You made your way outside and immediately sat down and leaned your forehead on your knees. You needed to get these invasive thoughts under control. You thought about what Dabi used to do. He would sit with you and try and distract you by talking about random shit. You knew he’d be pissed if he knew his younger brother left you all alone during one of your episodes. The thought of him yelling at Shoto was almost enough to make you chuckle.

You took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds and started listing animals that start with the letter A. When you couldn’t think of any more you breathed out. Then you repeated the process with the letter B, then C. You had made it F when Shoto made his way back to you.

“Okay, so they gave me some weird looks. Which makes sense considering I am a gay man asking for pregnancy tests. But they didn’t ask too many questions. I have two tests, a bottle of water, some Tylenol, and a phone number for a doctor… you know, for if it’s positive.”

You took his outstretched hand and stood up. “Okay… let’s get this over with.”

Every step towards your room felt heavier than the last. You just wanted to curl up under your blanket and pretend none of this was happening.

You hesitated at your door for a few moments before remembering you were a tough bitch and barreled through it full of false confidence.

You expected to see Katsuki lounging on the couch watching something on the tiny TV. Instead you found him passed out with Bravo curled up next to him. The sight of it calmed your nerves.

“Hey Shoto, can you get some coffee going? I’m going to wake him up.” You tiptoed over to him and sat on the edge of the couch. “Hey…” You shook his shoulder. “Kats? Wake up. I need to tell you something…”

Katsuki grumbled and his arm snaked around you, pulling you down to his level. “Shhh, m’head hurts.”

You giggled “Hey stop I’m being serious… I need you to get up.”

One of his eyes cracked open. “What’s up you sound like you’ve been crying.”

You sighed, “I haven’t been crying, but I am… stressed…” He sat up and moved so you were sitting facing each other. He nodded urging you to go on. “So… The reason Dabi uh… locked me in his office was so he could go to the store to uh… buy a…. pregnancy test.”

Your eyes stared at your hands and you heard him suck in a breath. “Are you? …Pregnant I mean.”

You shrugged, “I don’t know… we got some tests from the medical ward today and I’m about to take them. I’m just… a little scared.”

A medicine bottle whistled through the air and smacked Katsuki in the face. “We got you your medicine too. You’re welcome.” Shoto was smirking over by the coffee maker.

Katsuki groaned as he stood up. “One of these days I’m gonna kick the shit out of you, IcyHot Bastard.”

He stretched and held a hand out to you. “Alright, come on. Let’s go piss on a stick.”

You felt a weight starting to lift from your shoulders. “Wait. So you’re not mad?”

He narrowed his eyes at you, “Why would I be mad? I knew what the two of you were doing. It’s not like you cheated on me. As much as I wish we were, we aren’t together.” His thumb came up to brush a tear away that you didn’t even know had fallen. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily Y/N. You being pregnant wouldn’t change how I feel about you. I would even be willing to tell people it’s mine if it makes it easier for you. Just tell me what you need, and I’ll do it.”

It was quite for a few moments, while you absorbed and processed this new development. He was surprisingly calm about all of this, and it was making it easier for you as well.

“God you’re whipped.” Shoto handed the pregnancy test to you but was smart enough to remain behind you so Katsuki couldn’t hit him.

You left the boys to bicker as you entered your tiny bathroom alone. You peed on both of the sticks and set a timer on Katsuki’s phone. The next three minutes were the longest three minutes of your life.

You paced as you tried to think of anything else. But your thoughts kept going back to that night when Dabi held you in his recliner after fucking you. He had asked about you having a baby. He had sounded so hopeful. His eyes so bright at the idea of you having a kid with him. Part of you couldn’t believe that was an act. He had seemed so sincere. You thought about how he would react if he knew you were taking a test right now.

The timer went off.

Shit.

Was your whole life about to change?

With shaky hands you picked up the first test. You held your breath as you looked to the second one to confirm it.

You opened the door with tears in your eyes.

“So, what’s it say? Am I going to be an uncle?”

You let out an audible sob. “I don’t know why I’m so upset right now.” You showed them the tests. “They’re both negative.”

Katsuki wrapped you in a hug and ran his fingers up and down your back. “It’s okay to be sad. Shoto made some coffee, I don’t have plans today. We can hang out here until you feel better.”

You cried into Katsuki’s chest as you watched some cheesy movie. He didn’t say anything. He wouldn’t even know what to say if he thought it would help.

You were grieving a child you never had, and a love that was nothing but lies. You needed to let it out. You needed to grieve so you could move on. And this is how you do that.

By the time the credits rolled your eyes were dry and you nose stuffy. “You said you wanted to talk to me about something earlier…?”

Katsuki stiffened, “Yeah, but I think it can wait. You’ve already had a rough day.”

You shook your head, “No… I want to know. I’m just going to worry about it until you tell me. I’d rather you just rip the Band-Aid off.”

He nodded, “We got word that Dabi may have been seen by your old place. We aren’t sure it was him though. Toga had been previously spotted as well, so it’s more likely that it was her. But either way, it looks like the LOV is sniffing around.”

“W—What makes you think it was Toga?”

He cleared his throat, “We have an informant working in the LOV and he told us the last thing he heard about Dabi was that Shigaraki had sent a team to collect him… but when they came back they were bloody and he wasn’t with them.”

You sighed, “Of course he wasn’t.”

*************

*The Laws* 1. No fucking shrugging 2. No drugs 3. No saying sorry for something that isn’t your fault 4.We work on communication every day 5. Wake up whenever the hell you want 6. No locked doors 7. We eat three full meals a day 8. No means no, no negotiations 9. We work on exercise every day 10. Ice cream must be kept in stock at all times 11. Accept help when it is offered 12. No lying 13. I will not initiate the sexy time without written or verbal consent.

************

Tags: tags: @falling4fandoms @wifunozomi @here-in-never-land @whore-for-anime @klecksstorys @aurorahoneybuns @theunknownrandom @insane-without-delirium @frenchsfryys @officiallydarkgeek @neofixcs @music-is-all-i-need @katsuki-bakubabe@unadulteratedtastemakerpoetry@dabislittlemouse@aimee1602@pinkhatlizzy @kunaigirlx44 @nii-sanfucker@bestgirlb @silver-stardrop@bakubby99 @squichymochi @sarahschance @babayaga67@starenemy

[ladyoftheblackpaint]

Dad-for-One Theory Breakdown

So now that the big man is out and on the loose, I was reading about this theory, and honestly it’s pretty interesting.

All For One being Izuku’s father.

Other people could probably write better analyses of the theory itself than me, but from what I understand these are some main arguments to support this being a possibility:

Firstly, let’s talk about AFO’s appearance.

He’s shown with white hair in the anime when he was younger, as does his younger brother. His eyes are constantly shadowed even before his face got jacked up by All Might.

So genetically speaking, here are the traits that constitute Izuku and his parental figures:

One of Izuku’s parents would need to have freckles

One of Izuku’s parents would need to have green hair (check)

One of Izuku’s parents would need to have curly hair

One of Izuku’s parents would need to have green eyes (check)

One of Izuku’s parents would need to have his eye shape (check)

One of Izuku’s parents would need to have his skin tone (check)

The thing with genetics, though, is that they’re weird things and parents are not always the sole givers of traits.

As we can see, from the parts of All For One’s face that is visible, he doesn’t have curly hair OR freckles, which is sort of a big kick in the gut for this theory.

Irregardless, I do have to say that theory, though, does have a point with the fact that his eyes are hidden. Most of Izuku’s traits seem to come from his mother, and the fact that two of his most telling traits (his curly hair and his freckles) just so happen to be in the same spots that are covered up by scar tissue in the design of present-day AFO is pretty interesting.

Coincidental New Abilities Given To Izuku & Izuku’s strange pain threshold.

So this is one that I have been asking questions about. OFA is a stock piling quirk, but from the looks of it, only strength is actually passed down from one individual to the next, like an energy reserve. However, if that is the case, why is it that all of a sudden the vestiges decided to change the rules of the game and bestow onto Izuku all of their abilities.

Why not All Might? He was the closest to killing AFO in the past, so if they had done so with him he might have actually done it.

It’s possible that the reason they chose Izuku was because of the impending catastrophes that were obviously coming to fruition with the League of Villains and Tomura.

I’m left to wonder if there was another reason, though:

One of the themes of My Hero Academia is how quirks harm the user over time. All Might gets wounded and then forces himself to keep using his quirk,  Bakugou hurts his arms if he uses his quirk too much, Aizawa gets dry eye, Ururaka throws up, and the most obvious of them is Izuku-- who breaks his bones with the intensity of his quirk.

This didn’t happen with All Might and apparently not with any of the past users, either, since All Might seemed surprised at the extent since it was easier for him, even though he suspected what the consequences might be. Add onto this that the ability is now supposed to be stronger than All Might’s was, and you get the picture.

The point is: Izuku gets wounded a lot and yet seems to have the pain resistance of a freaking monster I mean:

COME ON.

Taking that into consideration, AFO has been described as being concerned about how his quirk affects his body. Since he has so many quirks that could potentially harm him and overwhelm him. I mean, look at the experiments with the Nomu-- people are obviously not supposed to have more than one quirk.

So someone with the capability of wielding multiple quirks with possibly painful drawbacks would, probably, be able to pass on some of the needed traits to keep that up genetically to Izuku, amiright.

And it’s possible the vestiges could tell that Izuku could handle it because of this genetic connection.

He didn’t have a quirk, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t get other traits from AFO if he was his father, such as his endurance and pain threshold.

Which leads me to my next point:

Extra Toe Bone

I actually just thought of this when I was writing the last point, so if it makes no sense welp...

Izuku was born quirkless, something that is considered relatively rare, expecially as the generations go on. Quirks are genetic phenomenon, and so if two people who have quirks have a child, it is VERY slim that their child will be born quirkless, unless they had a grandparent or someone else down the line who was quirkless.

Now, AFO was part of the first generation of quirked people. Meaning, his parents would have likely been quirkless, something that would have made it much easier for his offspring to be quirkless, as well.

Fire-breathing Absent Father

This is one of the more easy and obvious ones.

Horikoshi has said that Izuku’s father would show up later in the story, meaning that he has had a plot planned out for Izuku’s parents. Whatever that might be.

So that obviously shuts down the idea that his father is simply an unimportant character. To be introduced so that into the story as if he’s a vital piece for the future story seems...strange. Pretty suspicious.

Anyways, there’s also the information that’s been given about Izuku’s father having the quirk of fire breathing, and, obviously, a man who has numerous quirks would have the possibility of being a fire breather.

There’s not much else to say about this point.

Parallelism

OH, this one’s my favorite.

Okay, looking at Tomura Shigaraki’s character for a moment, we see the connection he has with Nana, one of the previous holders of One for All.

This is a plot technique that is basically just a twist in the narrative. How could someone SO GOOD and someone that All Might looked up to have a grandchild so inherently evil? His family was relatively normal, even if his father was abusive (god, that’s a terrible thing to say but I digress). His father’s abuse came from the trauma he experiences when he was abandoned by Nana, but all in all his family was full of ordinary people. He had grandparents, a mother, a sister, and his abusive dad (oh god).

Even with the heroic heritage and the normal family life, Tomura becomes one of the worst villains in the series.

By parallelism, I mean, imagine the DRAMA if Izuku-- pure, wanting-to-be-a-hero, saving everyone’s ass, sunshine child Izuku-- was the most powerful villain’s child...that’d be fucking awesome. I would shit bricks. It’d be amazing!

Possibly predictable...

But amazing!

Plus, if you look at both Izuku and Tomura’s parents, if the Dad For One theory is true, they would each have one caring parent and one “bad” parent.

It would fit so well. With the narrative of the “heroes” of society not being inherently good (Nana abandoning her child-- even if she believed it was for his best interest) and villains simply being misunderstood until the point that they snap (look at literally ANY villain in the series. There’s some type of narrative about being abandoned by society).

One of the best heroes ever producing one of the greatest villains, and vice versa.

It’d be beautiful.

THAT’S some badass parallelism.

PLUS, it would fit with the narrative of ending the cycle of violence. For a story so based on the intricacies of society and what is truly “evil” and “good”, to have an ending where the two characters stray from their genetically defined path and decide their own destinies would be SO satisfying I’m getting excited just thinking about it.

ANYWAYS, I’m not so sure how much I believe this theory might come true, but I know that it’s not a silly theory at all. Looking at the narrative, the possible hints, the parallelism (GOD the PARALLELISM) it would make sense in the long run and, in my opinion, be super interesting.

[neutron-stars-collision]

The Art of Inversion

Neil x Reader

Chapter 25 - Easily

Masterlist; Chapter 24

Summary: Finally.

Warnings: 18+ (a lot of things happening 😌); swearing.

Author’s Notes: Hello 2 am upload 🙈 but at last... here we are. This one took a lot of effort... and getting into the zone. 10k words long scene... who else would be capable of this, huh?  🙃

I think this is as much of a crucial one as the finale will be and so I hope you’ll find it... satisfying. Enjoy (hopefully) and let me know what you think? 

P.S. the song for this one is Muse ‘Easily’ (which is also my favourite song hence you know *wink wink*)

The cabin was silent save for the sound of your shallow breathing. Even if you wanted to break the silence, there were no words for this. Nothing useful in the dictionaries to describe it. Ineffable.

With your heart fluttering nervously within its cage, you returned Neil’s intense gaze. You knew what this was – seeking reassurance. A question whether the kiss did what you needed it to do. In an answer, you could only lift your head and crash your lips into his in search of more. Your hands slid down his neck and arms to rest on the sides, slowly inching underneath the shirt. With Neil’s arms trapping you beneath him, there was nothing else to do but let go. The stifled feelings and desires took the lead as you kissed him with all the urgency of a starved beggar. That took him by surprise. He gasped when you tugged at his lower lip ferociously and grazed your fingernails over the skin on his back. He broke the kiss, darkened irises roaming over your face with evident infatuation. He seemed fascinated, as though the strength of your desire was unexpected. Idiot. After a moment, Neil leaned in again, setting up a slow tempo with his lips brushing over yours almost tenderly, building up the unavoidable heat. You shivered, letting out a quiet whimper that he caught, smiling against your mouth. Your tongue darted out, tracing the outline of his lips, drawing out groans. The overwhelming familiarity settling in with warmth spreading across your chest. It was always supposed to be like this.

Neil leaned down on his forearm, using the free hand to hike up your sweater and trace featherlike touches down your navel, as far as the band of trousers would allow. The simple gesture was enough to make you tremble. He noticed it, smirk adding a predatory gleam to his face, and repeated the torturous move. Teasing, tempting you as though you needed anything more to be convinced. Nothing else mattered. Only this. Frustration boiling over, you took hold of his chin with one hand, forcing Neil to meet your wild gaze. His eyes glistened with a passion that still had the potential to make you breathless. He raised his eyebrow in silent question, hand still roaming freely over your body, causing goosebumps wherever it went. Forcing the brain to work, you whispered out a command:

“More” meeting his gaze with unhidden desire, you licked your lips unconsciously.

He caught it, grin widening as his gaze flicked between your mouth and eyes as though unable to focus.

“Of what?” leaning in, Neil brushed his nose against yours.

“You,” using the hold over his chin, you swept your thumb over his lips, prying them open.

He did not need more information than that. His mouth collided with yours eagerly, wasting no time to deepen the kiss and take everything you had for him. It felt just like you remembered. No unnecessary tenderness as you both got lost in each other. Sighs and groans punctuating the moment with impatience. The pull that always took you aback was still there, making you cling as close as possible. With one hand resting on his side, just next to the familiar bullet scar, you could easily hoist your leg over his hip. You had to get closer. It seemed like the matter of utmost urgency. The change of position made Neil break the kiss. He was breathing heavily as his hand slid down your thigh in a gentle caress. Another simple gesture causing havoc in your veins. You gazed at him, exposing the inner needs by impatiently tugging on his shirt. Closer. Whatever Neil saw in your eyes gave him a clue. A mischievous spark in the blue irises before he started trailing kisses from the corner of your mouth to the jaw and down the neck. With each touch of his lips and brush of the stubble, you inhaled sharply. He always knew what to do to make you fall apart within seconds, expertly using the experience of all those stolen moments to choose the spots that were bound to make you squirm with increasing pleasure. A small peck underneath the ear. A light bite near the collar bone. Nerve endings alight. Defenceless, you exposed more skin for his use by tilting your head, helplessly letting your hands roam over his chest. The firm muscles an object of pure fascination. Yours. Soon you have been resolved to sighs and gasps, bucking your hips against his with undeniable need. The warmth spreading with alarming speed, hazing your mind. Only one clear thought remained. You had to have him. To make him yours.

“Neil, please…” the weak plea was enough to make him stop.

He placed a final reverent kiss on the edge of your jaw and met your eyes. No shame. A teasing smirk dangling off the corner of his mouth.

“Begging for mercy already?” the husky tone sent shivers down your spine.

Aware of your struggles, Neil ran his fingers up and down your thigh. Certain kinds of touches made the fabric seem almost non-existent. You wanted to put up a fight, to find a biting comeback. But that part of your brain has shut down, locked on that one incessant thought – closer. And so, you did your best to let that longing into your eyes, as you whispered:

“Let me touch you,” purposeful, shamefully desperate.

Neil swallowed, shocked by your honesty. The simplicity of your wishes. You caught a glimpse of something strange pass through his features before he once again captured your lips in a breathless kiss. You cupped his cheek, tracing all the sharp angles. He broke away, leaving a breath of space, the perfect opportunity for you to kiss the tip of his nose. You grinned at his stunned expression, filled with fondness that had the potential of shattering your heart into smithereens. It would be worth it. The soft smile assured you of that.

After a beat, Neil straightened, kneeling above you, extending a hand in an invitation to get what you asked. You took it without a second wasted, shifting on the bed so you could face him. A flutter of anxious butterflies swirled in your stomach as you reached out, fingers settling on his shoulders. Neil placed his hands on your waist underneath the sweater, caressing the skin gently. He was observing you curiously, fascinated by the urgency you have shown. You ran your hands down his arms, feeling the biceps, briefly intertwining your fingers. Encouraged by the lack of protest, you gathered up his shirt, lifting it, showing him what was necessary. Neil smiled, placed a kiss on your forehead, and took over your attempts, taking off the garment and throwing it to the side. Your mind went blank as it always did. Eyes darting to admire and devour what was already familiar. Then, as though caught within a dream, you placed your hand over his heart and met his gaze.

“Is this better?” a hint of a smile upon his lips as Neil pulled you closer.

Despite the need pooling in your veins, the heart let out a painful thump. After everything, it was almost incomprehensible. Him with you like this. Like it always should have been. Overwhelmed with love, you pulled him into a tight hug. The warmth of his skin feeling like a revelation, you hid your face in his neck. Without hesitation, Neil returned the embrace, nuzzling your temple with audible relief. Finally, you knew what home felt like.

“I missed you” the whisper felt almost like a confession of something far more substantial.

And you knew why.

Neil froze. Fuck. You could tell that something was wrong. Worries confirmed when he let out a strange choking sound and released you abruptly. Blood turned cold as the panicked butterflies went into a frenzy. Please no. Before you could read anything from his face, he quickly stood up and turned away from the bed. Muscles tense, shoulders squared. There had to be a solution. Fighting to keep the panic under wraps, you stood up, watching him closely. He was motionless, hands covering his face as he let out strained breaths. Whatever you did caused havoc within his mind. You had to help him. That much was clear. Courage, dear heart. You crossed the space, tentatively reaching out trembling hand to touch his back. Upon the contact, Neil gasped quietly, as if surprised you were still there, willing to solve it. Using the lack of objection as encouragement, you took another step closer and pressed a light kiss between his shoulder blades. Your arms wound around his waist as you closed the remaining gap, resting your head against the firm muscles. After a moment of reluctance, Neil’s hands covered yours. That was all the assurance you needed to ask the critical question:

“What’s wrong?” the emotions weighing down your voice, making it come out hoarse and quiet.

His fingers glided over yours, brushing the knuckles with the care you never dreamt of experiencing. Whatever was bothering him could not taint the truth. Your fragile reality locked within the intimacy of the moment.  Neil took a deep breath, tensing again as though bracing himself against something terrifying. Then he started speaking:

“You deserve an explanation after all that… mess, and yet, here I am trying to…” he trailed off, anxiety and frustration permeating every word.

Your heart cracked upon the realisation. Before you could gather enough words to protest, he continued:

“I worry that I’m pressuring you into this… that I’m asking for too much-” the weariness gnawing at your soul with force.

“Neil, stop,” you cut in sharply, tightening the embrace, “Don’t make it sound like it’s one-sided. I want it too,” your voice wavered as your face warmed up.

Obvious and yet… Admitting it felt like a step too far, like you were the one who could mess it all up by being too eager. The doubts were ready to step in, but you could not let them. Lost in the internal battle, you have not realised when Neil stepped away from the hug and turned to face you. He tilted your chin, making you meet his gaze. Conflict painted across the features you knew by heart. He was nibbling on the bottom lip again, eyes roaming across your face with worry.

“Are you sure?” he breathed out a question, blush tinting his cheeks, “Because it shouldn’t… it wasn’t meant to happen like this”

Briefly, you wondered how was it that neither of you could use the words for this. Actual adult words. But maybe those would come later. You understood his worries, feeling your fears creeping at the edge of the desire and love which took hold of every single cell within your body. There would be time to give them a voice after. Now, all that mattered was Neil and making him understand what you needed. Convincing him that what he tried to stifle was what you wanted. You took one of his hands between your palms, gently rubbing the knuckles:

“We will have to talk, but now… now I want to let go” meeting his gaze purposefully, you let the words fill the tense silence “After weeks of feeling unwanted, I want to forget. To let myself believe that this is real…” unwanted tear welled up in your eye “Only promise I need right now is that this will mean something to you” you finished the sentence, fingers thoughtlessly travelling up his forearms.

There it is. An offer he was free to reject. The only truth that mattered. Somewhere within the past hour, you have realised that you were ready. That no matter the regrets that could follow, you had to give in. Let him have everything should he want it. There would be nothing revolutionary about it, just a natural step on the journey that began months ago in that café in London. Unavoidable.

Neil was watching you closely, catching up on the meaning of things you were not saying. He took a step closer, the struggle slowly giving way to the longing you have seen before. And honesty that could easily murder you with its authenticity. He met your gaze before speaking:

“It will. I want you. And not only now. Not until it happens, but always” you felt like drowning in the boundless adoration you could see in his face “It’s just that I’m terrified of fucking it all up because I care… so much” Neil swallowed hard, frowning at his sentence “Christ, that sounds like a terrible understatement…” with the hand shaking slightly he ruffled the hair, betraying nerves “You’re everything I want. The reason why-”

Oh god. You feared that if he said even a word more, you might just about crumble on the spot. From the excess of love, affection, and disbelief. Each consecutive sentence felt like a stab into your heart. But there was no pain, just too much of everything. You wondered whether it was always supposed to feel like this. Like being on fire. Like the chest bursting from the abundance of passion. You closed the remaining gap, fingers curling around his biceps. Before he could utter that final catastrophic sentence, you whispered:

“Shut up” without waiting for a reaction you pressed your lips against his.

It was your time to lead, pouring everything you felt and could not dare say into the kiss. After a second of reluctance, Neil started kissing you back. The idle hands grasping onto the nape of your neck. Fingers tangling in your hair, pulling you even closer. Small sighs and groans he let out into your mouth kindling the spark. The fix for an addiction you were long due. The sweetest of relapses. The taste of absolution. Infinite potential.

After over a minute, he broke the kiss, gasping for oxygen, eyes clouded with infatuation. It was that look in his face that gave you the courage to reach out for what you needed. You took hold of his hands and breathed out the words that could destroy everything:

“Love me,” unable to meet Neil’s eyes you placed his hands on your hips, “Show me what it’s like to be wanted,” your voice cracked, exposing the storm unfolding inside.

You had to find a way of shutting up the doubts, the uncertainties. Of getting lost in him. Of getting what suddenly seemed just as necessary as water and food.

“I-” he choked out the syllable making your gaze snap up to meet his.

You could see it there. The three words ingrained within the blue eyes, lips parted and ready to proclaim what you could not dare believe. Not yet. Now the confession could kill you, delivering that final blow. He had to understand. It was the only way you could make it work. By acting on the instincts.

That is exactly what you did, rendering Neil speechless with something as simple as a kiss placed on his shoulder. Then more all along the collarbone, taking the sharp inhales and tightening hold over your waist as consent. At times you would let your teeth lightly graze over the skin, reminding him of the potential. Stopping at the sternum, you glanced up, only to be met with Neil’s piercing gaze looking down at you without any guards present. Only unbridled desire and love. Bravery filled your veins as you continued the meticulous exploration. Your hands gently caressed his stomach, tracing the various scars and imperfections. Once you reached the other shoulder, pressing a pious kiss on one of many beauty marks scattered over his skin, Neil lifted your chin. He kissed you on the forehead softly, drawing out a sigh. A thank you for something you would have given him anyway. Then, without breaking the eye contact and making sure you noticed every single emotion visible in his face, he cupped your cheek:

“May I?” one single question whispered with enough certainty to make your heart stumble.

Somehow you knew what he was asking. With blood pounding in your ears, you nodded. Once, curtly, decidedly.

“Yes,” a little breathless, cheeks turning pink.

Anything. Always.

In response, you got one of those smiles that lit up his whole face, making everyone understand why Neil was worth dying for. Without wasting time, he tugged at the borrowed sweater you were wearing and took it off over your head in one swift move. For once you were glad there were no layers. His eyes flitted over your torso covered only with a black sports bra. No judgement or calculation. Just as if he wanted to commit you to memory. As if you were an object of art one could fall in love with. The blush darkened as your breath hitched, awaiting the next move. Neil took a step closer again, a curious glint in his eyes as he leaned down. Featherlike touch all over your chest, followed by gentle kisses on the collarbones and shoulders. You gasped, the softness of his lips contrasting with the scratch of the stubble and the light bites. Testing the waters, returning the favour. You closed your eyes, focusing entirely on the moment, resting your hands on his sides. It felt almost too blissful, slowly making you crave more. Experimentally, you ran your fingers over his pelvic bones, grateful for the low-rise trousers and the possibilities given. Neil finished his study with a kiss on your neck, choosing the spot that always made you shiver with anticipation. You opened your eyes only to be met with a look of adoration:

“Thank you,” his words breaking the heavy silence.

There was something new in his expression. As if now, after everything, he realised that there would be no more hiding. And he was not afraid of whatever would happen. Blind conviction. Belief in you and whatever you had. Afraid of disrupting the moment, you lowered down your voice to ask:

“For what?” your brow furrowed, trying to understand what he meant.

Or why was he suddenly looking at you as though you were the centre of his universe. There was no getting rid of the blush tinting your cheeks. Of the nervous flutters in your stomach and fire flowing in your veins. You knew it would only get worse. Neil watched you closely, a small smile on his lips. Then he finally answered, with more confidence than you could ever deem possible.

“Being extraordinary,” he whispered the words softly, inches away from your mouth.

Oh my god. You did not even try to school the features, showing the boundless extent of shock, disbelief, and astonishment. He meant it; that was undeniable. Your heart stopped for a millisecond, unable to process a compliment like that. Far from a cliché. Exactly what you could need. Before your vicious brain could come up with a disagreement, you closed the gap, expressing how it felt through the kiss. A long, chaotic one that meant you soon lost the coherence and perception of surroundings. Everything was Neil, and Neil was everything. He always gave you his all in those kisses, opening his mouth almost instantly, brushing his tongue against yours. It was as if for him this was a way of getting lost. You could not help but wonder whether he would be like this further down the line too. In desperate need of oxygen, you took the breath from his lungs, earning a muffled groan along the way. You smiled against his mouth, certain that this time you would have the upper hand. An advantage.

That is until you suddenly felt something soft against the back of your legs. The bed. Your brain caught up at the last minute, a small yelp slipping out as Neil pushed you down to perch on the edge of the mattress. How even… Exasperated, you opened your eyes to understand the intentions. That too was a mistake. In a second, you were struck with the sight of Neil deliberately kneeling on the floor at your feet. He met your gaze with a tiny shrug as if you should have expected it to go this way. Any thoughts of blonde bastards and their antics could not win with the overwhelming fondness. He was quite the image. Shirtless, dishevelled, and bewitched. By you, of all people. The devilish glimmer in his stormy eyes added an edge to the look. A fallen angel determined to take you with him. As if you wouldn’t want to take the plunge anyway… On its own accord, your hand darted forward, fingers carding through his long golden strands. His gaze darkened; you could almost see the thoughts swirling, ideas about the next steps. Then, as you cupped his cheek, something clicked. Neil took hold of your palm and angled it to kiss the pulse point. You held your breath, unable to break the eye contact. The hints of a smug smile as his lips trailed down the tracks of your veins, leaving pecks every few inches. You never knew skin could feel like that. Like being ablaze.

As his study neared your upper arms, you could not stop yourself from blurting:

“Why-” the attempt got stopped with a finger against the lips.

“Shush” fuck.

Your eyes widened upon the command. It was the combination of the steel resolve and his low tone that did it. Or so you told yourself as you felt the familiar jolt within the core. Neil’s finger brushed over your mouth, tracing the outline of your lips. He must have noticed the increasing hunger in your eyes, for he grinned and resumed the caress.

You were not sure how the next few developments happened. In one moment, Neil was leaving kisses all over your forearm, leaning over your knees to get access. The next, he was comfortably positioned between your legs, one hand resting atop of your thigh, the other causing shivers all along your stomach with the careful strokes. From this position, he could easily do whatever he wanted. Which he did, his mouth travelling southward of the familiar territory, lips brushing the swell of your breasts and then below the band of the bra. You felt worshipped, seduced with utmost care. Another light kiss over one of the upper ribs was enough to make you whine in frustration you could not control. Neil’s eyes snapped up to your face, taking in the longing and frenzy painted all over. No smile this time, only a soft brush of his lips against yours and then:

“Can we go slowly?” the question was whispered almost shyly, “I want to learn you” to prove the point, his fingers ran down your side, checking the reaction.

You shivered, swallowing hard at the obvious implications behind the question. Somehow the idea that Neil did not mind your slow pace felt too good to be true. No one has ever been that generous before. Not daring to take chances upon him changing his mind, you nodded, lost in the way he was glancing up at you. Undiminished trust and fascination. So much love. Afraid to spill too many words, you retorted quietly:

“You know me pretty well,” the nervous smile tugging at your lips uninvited.

The electrifying mixture of tension and excitement travelling down your veins. You would not wish to be anywhere else, and yet the nerves were there too. A little anxious voice you had to get rid of as soon as possible.

It seemed like Neil had the same idea.

“Not like this,” he smiled softly before leaning down again.

This time he started kissing down your stomach. Each brush of his lips resonating through your body, culminating deep within. Adding on to the pile of issues. All of them relating to the man so religiously caressing your skin. You wondered how much longer you could survive without having to ask him for more. For help. Focusing on the golden mane of hair, you distractedly tangled your fingers in his strands.

“Is that a promise?” barely reaching the end of the question, the breath getting trapped in your throat with a sharp inhale.

Neil stopped right where the band of your trousers met the exposed skin. He glanced up from underneath the long eyelashes. His eyes were dark, filled with a proposition of much more than this. If you were willing to wait.

“It might be…” a murmur and then a gentle kiss on the navel.

You sucked in the remains of oxygen. Oh god. His lips glided over your skin carefully, showing the potential. The knot tightened as you released a shameless moan. Your body felt as though it could go up in flames at any given moment. Neil had other plans, however. He raised his head and stole a quick kiss without giving you a moment to recover. Then he slid down the straps of your bra one by one and reached for the clasp:

“Is it alright if I…?” a tentative question as his fingers trailed over your back.

Insecurities were one thing, the fact that he was waiting until you gave him permission was another. Too generous.

“Yes. You don’t have to ask” breathless, bothered, yet unable to care anymore.

Your dismissal got met with a serious affirmation.

“I always will,” punctuating the sentence with the action he got rid of the garment.

It was different in Oslo. Back then, you were too caught up in the haze to care. Now you felt exposed, seen by the person that mattered most. Neil was openly admiring you with an enigmatic expression in his eyes. That caused a spike of anxiety as you unconsciously started to cover your torso with your arms. Only to be stopped with a firm grasp over your forearm. Shyly, you met his piercing gaze. Your heart was racing, pulse pounding in your ears. There was no going back from this. Not for you. Before your brain could kick into panic, Neil tilted your chin to make sure you saw the adoration in his eyes:

“You’re beautiful” voice full of conviction.

You wanted to believe him, pulling Neil in for another kiss, letting him envelop you in an embrace. The skin on skin. Closer. Almost there but not yet. You still needed more than this. But it had to wait. Getting lost in the kiss was too easy at this point, the only way of making you forget about everything else. Following instincts, you drew him even closer and then fell onto your back on the bed, pulling him with you. Neil broke the contact, breathing hard, pupils blown wide by surprise and want. He stared down at you, speechless.

That is until you grinned, encouraged by the rare advantage. Your bold touch over the front of his trousers was what kicked him back into action. A groan, flash of something dangerous, and a slight change of position so that he could continue the work from earlier. Hands and lips united in one simple purpose – to make you understand that there was no room for self-doubts. It did not take him long to leave you breathless. A mess of gasps and shudders as he covered every inch of your skin in kisses. Light bites only making everything worse twice fold. Helplessly, your fingers scratched his back, urging him to get closer. The pressure was rising steady and strong, every touch of his lips in all the right places reminding you of what you were trying to ignore. Only it was getting more difficult. Following mind of their own, your hands travelled down his sides, fingers hooking under the band of trousers, pulling them down by an inch. Neil raised his head, eyes dark, predatory gleam shining through. His gaze flitted over your face, taking in the flushed cheeks and heavy breaths. Then grinned, satisfied with what he has done to you. Teasing fingers trailing ghostly touches down your navel, never going where you wanted them. Infuriating. Huffing in irritation, you got back to the futile attempt of getting rid of his clothes. Only to be stopped with a smug smile and a hand grabbing yours:

“What is it?” the sparks told you that he knew exactly what was going on.

And yet… Bloody bastard. Before you could articulate the thought, he gave you even more reasons for hatred. His hand ventured between your thighs, rubbing the skin through the fabric, getting closer. That combined with the attention given to your breasts was enough to cause another shock to the system. Your thighs clenched on their own accord, embarrassment and irritation flashing from your eyes. Enough. You knew what to do. What was necessary. And he would have to obey.

“Just… take them off. Please,” the intended force got lost between gasps.

To indicate the meaning, you sharply drew his trousers down, exposing black briefs. Fuck. Shameful blush spreading over your cheeks as you let yourself stare with fascination. It was nothing new, but it felt like it was. You dared not meet Neil’s gaze; it was enough that you felt its weight settled on you without mercy. Unconsciously your curious hand brushed over his navel. The darker trail of hairs, the protruding pelvic bones and-

“Thanks for adding the please there” his chuckle threw you out of the zone as your eyes snapped up.

Way too confident. And satisfied with himself. You considered punching him in the teeth, but that could be anticlimactic. Instead, you did what you wanted as you tentatively skimmed your fingers over his crotch. Just as expected… Swallowing hard, you faced him with the newly found resilience.

“Didn’t want to sound rude,” a cocky tone added in to show you meant it.

The only indication that it worked was in the way he hesitated, a strangled groan escaping through the parted mouth. You repeated the touch, just so he understood.

“Only eager?” the strained voice adding further encouragement.

Suddenly it did not matter how needy you seemed. There was no need to hide it. Getting what you wanted was much more crucial. Not letting a second go wasted, you used your hold over his hips to pull him down.

“…Yes,” lips crashing into his with hunger you did not want to control.

Chaos. Everything all at once. Neil’s hands roaming over your body, tongue entangling with yours. The beginning of the end. Somehow, he managed to lower down your trousers, the movement urging you to break the kiss to finish off what he started. Kicking off the garment, you waited for Neil to do the same, watching the messy moves with a grin on your face. It was good. Hopeful even. As soon as he was done you extended a hand, pulling him back onto the mattress. Using the lack of irritating barriers, you embraced him tightly. Your bodies flush against each other, save for the underwear. That too had to go. Soon. Another turbulent kiss as your hands explored each other, searching for places to worship and study. Lying like this, side by side, tangled in each other, you understood why this was only a natural step. It made so much sense. You took your time, gliding all over his stomach and chest. Fingers tracing the scars. Lips trailing down his neck in reverence. He was a masterpiece, and he ought to be treated like one. Neil kept on kissing you, taking all that you were offering, slowly inching down your stomach with careful caress. Then, as he bit your lip, drawing out a moan, his hand palmed your underwear. Christ. One flash of surprise in those blue eyes told you what you knew already. It was bad. Soaked fabric clinging to your skin, increasing the frenzy. Answering the unasked question, you let him get rid of the panties; insecurities and uncertainty nowhere to be found. Slowly Neil shifted so that he had you pinned beneath him again. Hand brushing over the navel, jolts of electricity travelling down your veins at the simplest of touches. As his fingers dipped between the folds, you could only shudder, helplessly staring back into his eyes. There was no pretending.

“Christ, you’re so-” the raspy voice causing an additional wave of sensations.

Without finishing the sentence, he searched your face for something. His hand backtracked, traces of shame preventing you from looking at the mess you have made already. Forcing the brain to cooperate, you breathed out a question:

“Are you surprised?” you stared up at Neil with confidence you did not feel.

Whatever was bound to happen would probably kill you. That much was expected. The relentless throbbing between your legs only reminding you about the evident fact – you had it bad for Neil. And he knew that, eyes slowly roaming across your naked body, taking in everything new and about to be claimed. In the flesh this time. Finally.

“No,” Neil offered you a confident smirk, hand delving between your thighs once again without warning, “But this is still very… gratifying” lazily, his fingers parted the folds, collecting some of the wetness.

You huffed, attempting to force him to do more than that. To act. But to no avail. The satisfied look on his face was frustrating.

The fire in the pit of your stomach was building steadily, increasing with every passing second. You had to do something. To have him. Ideally. At the moment, it seemed like the matter of life and death. Everything else be damned.

“I’m glad I can amp up your ego,” managing to string together a coherent sentence, your hands settled on his hips, pulling him down again.

Your lips met in a sloppy kiss, your hazed brain barely able to keep up the rhythm. Using the distraction, you threw your leg over his hip, bringing your lower body flush with his. A clear signal.

But he, naturally, had other plans.

“Not yet. That has to wait a little” Neil pushed you back down, a visible frown etched between the furrowed eyebrows.

Oh for fuck’s sake. You let out a frustrated groan and leaned back to study his expression. You knew enough to know that he was more than ready. The front of his briefs told you as much. But torturous bastards always had to know better.

“Why? You-” your protest got stopped with a kiss you could not deny him.

Those never got boring. Each one bringing a new wave of need and desire. Your whole being focused on him and what you could receive. It never felt quite like this with anyone else.

Neil broke the contact, cupping your cheek tenderly:

“Yes, but first I want to take care of you,” terrifying depth of affection in his eyes doing nothing to extinguish the burning fire, “As you deserve. Like I promised in that one alley in Tallinn,” the telling smirk bringing back the memories with force.

Oh my god. The implication made you gasp loudly, widening his grin in the process. Of course you remembered that one promise. The specifics of what he wanted to do. The thought itself was enough to make you shiver, thighs clenching tightly. Before you could articulate how that proposition made you feel, he added:

“Don’t worry, the mess I’ll make out of you will only help me in this situation” a flash of the devil in the beautiful face and then a kiss laid with astonishing gentleness on your forehead.

Fuck. The shock must have painted on your face for Neil grinned, a tip of the tongue poking between the teeth like a bait. An enticement. As though you would need any of that. Without waiting for a further reaction, he started leaving kisses down your body.

“You’re...” he got as far as the sternum before you could choke out the word.

One of your hands tightened on the bedsheets, knowing well that what will happen will need holding on. A shiver ran down your spine when he reached that well-explored spot on the navel. Neil looked up, eyes dark and merciless:

“What?” a hand running up your thigh, prodding you to part your legs for him.

Like you had a choice. Forcing out a word seemed like a godly feat, and so you settled on the simplest of them:

“Insane,” spitting it out with intended strength, making sure he heard the frustration.

He did. The trademark smirk confirmed it. His hand travelled up your body in a purposeful caress. The learning did not take long; he already knew how to take you apart.

“I’ll show you what insanity feels like” the remark fell upon your fogged up conscience like a guillotine.

Any further words got trapped in your throat as he leaned down again, kissing down the navel, eyes searching yours for consent. A fervent nod had to do.

It was hard to prepare for. Your cheeks were burning as you watched the blonde head bowing between your thighs. For a second, the panicked voice wanted to remind you that this was a potentially life-ruining mistake. That you were letting Neil have it all. That it could end badly. The voice was silenced with a flash of lightning as you felt the offensive tongue part your lips in an exploratory move. Your fingers tightened on the material, the other hand instinctively grabbing onto Neil’s hair. He groaned upon the sensation, the vibrations making you buck your hips into his face. As though he was expecting that, he slung his arm over your thighs, keeping them in place. Keeping you helplessly spread out for the act. He began slowly, giving you all the time to get used to the thrill. It took less than a minute for you to start writhing under his strong hold, pathetic moans piercing the silence. As expected, Neil knew what to do. How to destroy you with the use of his mouth alone. His lips slowly enveloped your heat, free hand finding yours and lacing the fingers together. A grateful sigh escaped your throat, thumb brushing against his knuckles in appreciation. It only got worse then. The coil tightened. A peril of sweat appearing on your brow as the heat kept rising. Just when you thought you could hold on a little longer, Neil switched the technique, delving the tip of the tongue in. Christ. You yanked on the golden strands, showing how well that was working. He chuckled, the low sound making everything even worse. He kept on confidently penetrating the most sacred of places. Mindless of your forceful tugs on his hair or the cries you could not hold in.

Soon it became a losing game. You could only interweave curses in between moans and gasps. You were sure you were close to crushing his hand with the strength of your grasp, tightening upon every single move he made. There was no mercy here. Just the most primal of needs taking over everything else. As Neil directed all of his attention onto being the sole reason for your downfall, one persistent thought appeared in your hazed brain. You wanted him. To feel him everywhere. To chase that high and then claim it with him. His tongue expertly flicked against your clit. A whimper. Hips rocking forward on their own accord. More. All of the words getting stuck in your throat as he started lapping at your heat, taking everything you could offer. Like you were his object of unconditional adoration. As though giving you the pleasure was everything he wanted. A tiny voice in your brain reminded you again of the burning need. You were sure to lose sanity if this continued. Absolution needed and necessary. But not like this. It had to be with him. Feeling the end approach with the speed of light, you brushed your thumb over his knuckles and used the hold over his hair to bring needed attention.

“Neil… don’t…” the ability to speak was long gone, heavy breaths interrupting the intended sentence.

He raised his head, the glistening lips catching your attention with an additional spark of electricity within the veins. Oh god. He licked them unconsciously you shuddered, unable to look away. Fascination almost as good as what he was doing. Almost.

“Why? You haven’t-” his eyebrows furrowed as though completely lost on you.

You wanted to show him. To make him understand. But it was increasingly hard to do with the fire consuming your body and unresolved frustration nipping at the core. Insanity like no other. Speechless, incoherent, you forced the words out:

“Not without you” surely he could not miss the longing in your eyes.

You could point out the exact moment your word sank in. Neil’s pupils widened; lips parted a little letting out a sharp gasp. The blue eyes showing you boundless infatuation and astonishment as though your desires were unexpected. Swallowing hard, he found the voice:

“… Jesus, you-” a gulp, unable to finish the sentence and then a flash of something strange “Are you sure? Because we don’t have to. I can-” oh no.

Not this time.

“Neil” cutting in sharply, you made sure to show him the extent of urgency through the look in your eyes, “Please, I need you” as simple as that; the regrets would come later “I can’t- Don’t deny me that” you raised his chin, thumb brushing over the lips.

Collecting the remains of your fall from grace. Nothing else mattered. Neil looked as though what you said has crushed his heart. He moved back up to face you, careful hands leaving caresses along the way with breath-taking precision. As his eyes met yours, he breathed out the confession:

“I love-” not yet.

You took the words off his mouth with a kiss, tasting yourself in the process. It had to wait. This moment had to be about getting lost, about letting go of everything that was weighing you down. Words like those could only bring harm. Letting go, you whispered the explanation:

“Tell me after,” a resolve to break down his doubts.

It worked if that half-smile was anything to go by. He seemed to consider something quickly before shifting to a kneeling position above you. Following the simplest of needs, your hand darted forward, courageous fingers tracing down his stomach. Stopping at the familiar scar, you mused:

“You never told me why you did that” there was no need to clarify the meaning his eyes met yours with clear understanding.

And something else. A faint laugh as if Neil was amused you have not caught up with the obvious just yet. And then a glimmer of joy, looking down upon you with fondness:

“You’ll know… after,” he grinned, using your moment of confusion to take off the final piece of clothing.

It took your brain an additional second to catch up with everything. After… could that mean- And then, distracted by the thoughts too good to be true, your eyes landed on him again. Only to be shocked by the picture. Your reckless quip from a few days previously coming back to haunt you with vengeance. Compensating for something… yeah, no. A nervous chuckle built up in your throat as you bit down on your lip, unable to tear your eyes away. Not that you expected anything different. Someone this beautiful was ought to be also… lucky. Slowly shaking off the paralysis, you met Neil’s eyes. He was observing you with something akin to uncertainty. As though he had a reason to doubt himself. You took his hand in yours, murmuring:

“Come here,” a faint pull to give him back the confidence.

A flash of a grateful smile as he tumbled back into your arms. Carefully, you wrapped him in a tight hug, your racing hearts beating in the same tempo. Finally getting what you have been craving for so long felt strange. Almost unreal. But it was real, and so you let yourself breathe him in, hands caressing the skin slowly, with purpose. After a moment of quiet tenderness, you leaned back, cupping his cheek, you gazed into his eyes. Nothing to hide, only all of the feelings that you did not dare put into words just yet. Hope, love, faith. With the courage kindling within your heart, you allowed yourself to explore all that he revealed. The simplest of touches darkening his pupils, the hold over your waist tightening. A sigh here, tremble there. Enough to make you braver, kissing down his throat, fingers continuing their dance. Giving him back all of the pleasure and attention. Even if it was only a quarter of what he deserved.

Suddenly Neil tipped your chin, forcing an end to your ministrations, a hint of something strange in his eyes. That same uncertainty. Hesitation. Your chest tightened; heart unable to process the meaning without risking another crack. Finding words, you asked:

“Are you nervous?” gently, you ran your hands over his chest.

Feeling the steady beat beneath the fingertips, the warmth of his body giving security and protection from whatever could harm you. Home. The gratefulness in his eyes increasing the feelings.

“A little…” a hint of an insecure smile, “This is you and-”

Oh. A tiny pinprick of pain resonating through your heart. It never occurred to you that he could be anxious. Because of you, at that. But there was no need to be, no expectations to match up against. All you needed was for Neil to be there, to lose the inhibitions and just let it go.

“It’s only me” interjecting, you added the necessary emphasis “Nothing to worry about” a reassuring squeeze of hand as you made sure to show him the conviction in your eyes “I’ve got you” ending on a whisper, you offered him a small smile.

Before you could process anything, Neil kissed you hungrily, pouring all of the words into the act. It was gratitude and acceptance. As if what you said was exactly what he needed. Only once there was no breath left, he broke the contact, pressing his forehead against yours. Eyes boring into yours with unspoken confessions. And then, as though a switch has flipped, he allowed his hands to resume the familiar moves. Slowly building back up the tension, showing you that there were no more doubts. That was the needed cue to give you back the boldness, studying Neil with the necessary detail. You never knew it was possible to get so lost in something as straightforward as touch, the feeling of naked skin, the look in each other’s eyes. Maybe that’s what love should be.

As though sensing your changing mood, Neil searched your face before following the gentle pull of your hand towards where you needed him most. Just to show how bad it was. How urgent it felt. The flash of understanding in his eyes told you he knew what to do. A sigh escaped your lips as he carefully parted your folds with the fingers. The slow movement, teasing and preparing for what was to come. Letting go felt easy, effortless even. Listening to the most basic instincts, you used the hand that was not tangled in his hair to keep Neil wanting more. To remind him about his desires. Hiss in an answer was gratifying, making your lips twist in a smirk. It was good to know you held power too. Before you could become even more daring, Neil met your eyes with dangerous sparks in his gaze. It could only get worse. And you were right. Retracting his hand from between your thighs, he raised his fingers to his lips and licked them clean. Never breaking the eye contact; a rogue smile making everything worse. Fuck. A violent jolt shook your core at the sight. Bastard. A strangled groan escaped through your lips, frustration rising at the self-satisfied face expression.

“You’re going to be the death of me,” you rasped out, showing him the extent of annoyance through the look in your eyes.

A contradicting hand tracing invisible confession onto his back. The words would come soon enough there was no doubt about it.

“Don’t be so dramatic” Neil flashed you the happiest of grins.

Of course. With a ridiculous laugh bubbling in your throat, you stared back at the blonde man, overwhelmed with every emotion on the spectrum. Too much and yet not enough. Now.

“You’re an idiot” tipping his chin you captured his lips in a short kiss.

The relief and devotion in the blue eyes were palpable.

“Yours though,” he cupped your cheek, a soft smile lightening up his face.

With the three words on the tip of your tongue, you whispered the command:

“Show me” the resolution in your eyes aiming to tell him all that you could not express.

Neil nodded, placing a final kiss on your forehead, and shifted to hover above you. The nervous flutters in the pit of your stomach slowly getting consumed by something else. Need, conviction. It was simple. Never breaking the eye contact, your hands ran up his back to tangle the fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck.

“I’ll be gentle” a whisper passed from his lips to yours coupled with a kiss.

Finally. A flood of feelings threatening to overspill at any given moment. There was only one answer.

“I know,” the affirmation swallowed by a sigh as Neil covered your body with his.

Easy. Then it was almost natural. A gasp from your mouth mixing with his sharp inhale. Lips brushing but not quite kissing. Your fingers digging into his shoulders, bruising the skin. It felt right somehow. Good. Neil slowly inched in, giving you time to adjust. One of his hands tenderly cradled your head, thumb caressing the flushed cheek. His eyes locked on yours without a second of exemption. Assurance and affection.

Once you could feel him inside you completely, a nod was all he needed. Slow thrusts, building up a rhythm. Kisses interrupting the shuddered breaths. Your hand found Neil’s again, interlacing the fingers and pinning your joined palms to the bed. The feeling of his pulse alongside yours was like a revelation. The closeness you have craved for so long was finally within your reach. He was yours. With the fire steadily building up, you bucked your hips to meet him halfway. An answering moan was good encouragement to do it again. And again, matching his pace. And then speeding up. No words were found for any of this. Instead, you kept on gazing into his eyes, letting your breaths match and mingle in the space between. The unguarded look telling him all he needed to know. The feeling in your chest letting you know that there is no coming back from this.

It was the sudden wish to get even closer that prompted you to change the angle. Hoisting your leg over his hip, and then the other. Crossing them over his back, bringing your pelvis flush against his. A telling guttural groan and the darkening pupils told you it was the right move. The chaos that followed was expected. With the different position, it did not take Neil long to find the spot that made you cry out in pleasure. Your fingers scratched his back, nails tearing at the skin, claiming him in the darkened room. He kissed you roughly, lips bruising yours without traces of moderation. That was no longer necessary. You knew it would not take long. The string tightening and straining. The fire within your veins raging and consuming. Soon.

As Neil upped the tempo, your laced fingers untangled to resume the abandoned caress. Your fingers were trailing over his back with increased urgency. Mindless of the bruises and scratches, you wanted to mark him for good. Your heart was close to bursting with the amount of love, the excess pouring out with every sigh and kiss. You peppered kisses all over his neck and shoulder, using the newly found closeness to adore him in new ways. It felt perfect, pleasure swallowing every thought and idea. Till it was just Neil, his hands cradling your body, his warmth keeping you safe. Simple, primal even. As you responded to his forceful thrust with a circular movement, he met your gaze again. Eyes dark, the blue hazed with lust and adoration. Lips parted to let out quiet moans and gasps. The unspoken confessions passed through your locked gazes. Waiting felt worth it. Even if for moments like this when you knew that giving yourself away was the only logical solution. You were his no matter what, this act only signing off the fact.

It was a long kiss that he gave you then that tipped the scales. The heat became unbearable, so many words getting stuck in your throat. Urgency causing you to lose the rhythm, fingers digging into his biceps for support. Your muscles clenching around him on their own accord. The edges of your vision darkened, helplessly meeting his questioning gaze.

“Neil…” a half sigh, just enough to let him know.

A whimper interrupted whatever else you could want to tell him as he reached down between your bodies. The additional pressure placed on your clit to make sure you could get what you needed. The gratefulness passed on a louder moan, fingers tangling in his hair, bringing him closer. Close enough to whisper in his ear:

“You’re mine,” just like that.

That was all you were capable of afore the world exploded before your eyes.

“Only yours,” the affirmation falling on your ears like liberation.

Nothing else was needed. Your muscles tightened, clinging to Neil as though that was everything you were able to do. A sharp cry breaking the silence. Absolution. Everything leading up to this, the moment itself worth every second pain. The ultimate sacrifice in the name of love. You could see it in his eyes, drinking in your downfall with undivided attention. Strained breaths and chaotic movement telling you he was not far behind. Using the last sparks of the high he brought you to, you captured his lips in a slow kiss.

That was the needed push for Neil. He moaned your name, forehead pressing to yours as his eyes screwed shut. His body stiffened and then relaxed with a groan, holding you close. Recovering from the experience, you embraced him tightly, offering any comfort you could think of as he trembled, riding out the high within your arms. The vulnerability of the moment striking you with an unexpected wave of feelings. There was nothing beyond this for people who were not even together. A little voice in your head suggested that perhaps now you were. That maybe this was it. Before you could pay it more attention, Neil raised his head, eyes meeting yours with a haze still darkening the pupils. There was something new in his expression. Relief, certainty, as if nothing could sway him anymore. As if his creed came true, and he did not need any proof. You cupped his cheek, drawn in by the sight he presented. Blush tinting the cheekbones, golden hair falling into his eyes. Gaze focused only on you. And…

“I love you,” the words interrupting the silence with their clarity.

Your pulse picked up, heart hammering in your chest as though triggered by the confession. Speechless, you stared at Neil, trying to find an answer. But the small smile upon his lips told you he was not looking for a response. It was only a formality, just as you asked. To be told after. Now. It could not be… but it was. It was real, he was real, his heart belonging to you just like yours was his.

With the facts slowly sinking in, you pulled him down into another long kiss. As a way of saying all that you could not just yet. As an acceptance. Lips moving in sync, unrestrained, and entirely open to one another. As Neil broke away, breath ghosting your mouth, nose brushing against yours, you stared right back, unable to stop the worry from voicing its problems:

“I can’t-” say it.

Because you could not. Not with the heart bruised and shattered. Not with the fire still burning in your veins. If it was the right one at last, then it had to be proper. As though sensing your growing unease, Neil interrupted you, soft sparks in his eyes:

“It’s okay,” gently brushing his thumb along your reddened cheek, “There’s time,” finishing off with a kiss on the forehead.

Without waiting for you to find the needed words, he slid off your body, settling on the side with a quiet, contented sigh. You glanced at him curiously, desperate for a distraction from the sudden onslaught of feelings and thoughts. What if you’ve fucked it? What if he wanted you to leave? What if-

The monologue of qualms got cut short with an arm encircling your waist and pulling you closer to him again. The intense gaze searching your face before he tightened the hold and pressed a quick kiss to your temple. The tenderness could be lethal. With your heart racing, tongue threatening to spill everything it has been forced to hold back for months, you fought for clarity. Anything. And then… maybe this was okay. Maybe this was it. Sparks of hope triggering the playfulness you have dearly missed:

“Am I not allowed to leave?” eyeing him with an arched eyebrow, fingers idly tracing symbols onto his chest.

The warmth and the steady heartbeat everything you could need to anchor in the moment. The mirth in his eyes telling you that too was requited.

“I’d rather you didn’t…” he trailed off, the flash of something darker in his gaze making you breathless “I… I might have some plans for later,” he added, one of the hands stroking your thigh deliberately.

Right… You could only blame that sudden wave of excitement on his charm. And the look in his eyes, suggesting that this was not the end. That he wanted more. The idea alone made you shudder.

“Christ… Neil, you-” ignoring the satisfied smirk, you stared at him in feigned exasperation.

His grin widened, fingers teasingly running up and down your stomach causing the butterflies to awaken. Not that they had a longer break…

“Yes, my love?” picking up your open-ended frustration, Neil traced the outline of your lips, bruised and swollen from the multitude of kisses.

My love. The endearment on its own was enough to shut up the potential doubts. Unable to stop the grin from spreading on your face, you buried your face in his chest.

“… I see how it is,” your murmur triggering a low chuckle as he pulled you even closer.

You took it slow then. More breathless kisses, hands tangling in hair, sighs, and silent confessions taking up the non-existent space between your bodies. Once kisses and touches stopped being enough for either of you, Neil gave you the control with desire burning bright in his eyes. You claimed him again, making sure he could not forget it even if he ever wanted to. What you received in return assured you that your heart would never let go. It could not. Falling asleep after everything was almost too easy. For once, no fears creeping in the darkness. No regrets gnawing at your heart. Only the steady pulse, a hand holding onto yours, fingers gently caressing your skin. A promise of home.