#when i can financially support myself its over tho

[honeysunchild]

Parents really will have kids on purpose and then spend the next twenty or so years punishing that child for being alive and having needs

[hyugaruma]

WOOHOO MATCHUPS!! ok uhh for my personality i would say i'm an extroverted introvert, if that makes any sense? i don't mind hanging out around people, i enjoy hanging out around people i like, but sometimes my social meter can go down reaaaal fast. i don't like socialising that much, but if i need to or want to i can converse pretty well (i guess). im quite blunt, im not afraid to say what i think needs to be said, as i feel that hiding things only leads to more problems. i know when things don't need to be said and when to keep my mouth shut tho. i usually balance out the people i'm hanging out with: if they're all quiet introverts im the talkative social one, if they're all loud and chaotic im the quiet one with common sense. idk why i do it its just easier to balance things out, it comes naturally to me. I'm also usually the protective one of the group, if someone looks at my friends funny i'll be the first one to glare back, or shield my friends from them. heck i'll even pick a fight if i need to, come at me bro. when it comes to standing up for others, all my shyness and social awkwardness goes out of the window lmao. i can also be a bit too sensitive at times, my emotions are quite strong, leading me to cry even though i definitely do not feel the need to 💀. it's humiliating honestly but i just ignore it and act like there's no tears at all. other than that i can usually push my emotions to the side and think logically, the best i can in that situation anyways

for my interests and hobbies, i like gaming and consuming fictional media, mostly manga and anime, although i don't mind other genres as well. my current hyperfixations are high&low (duh) and tokyo revengers, so u can kinda see a theme going on huh... i'm also a huge music enjoyer, i can listen to anything (except for love ballads. idk why i just can't rlly stand listening to them), but my fav genres are pop, kpop, and jpop. I'm also an actor! I'm aiming to get into the entertainment industry in the future, although my parents want me to take a more "solid" degree first just so i'm able to support myself financially (they're not wrong honestly). i think i'm pretty good at acting teehee (i'm rlly good at lying too :P).

there are many things i dislike, so many that i can't even think of any, but i guess the most important ones are discrimination like homophobia/transphobia, sexism, racism, etc. ik it seems like a no brainer, but i absolutely cannot accept a partner who does any of these. it's not that hard to be a decent human being. ive already mentioned most of the things i like up there, but others include cats, plushies, kuromi, food (i LOVE food. small stomach tho), and many more that i again cannot think of.

i hope this is enough info, lowkey feel like ive overshared so apologies for that, i've never done a matchup before 😅 thank you so much!

p.s. i love ur writing, i'm glad there's still writers like you who keep the community alive <3 thank u for all ur hard work! and sorry again for writing so much T-T

tysm for requesting, and also for the kind words :-)) and don’t apologize, more is always better for me to work with!!

I match you with… Miyauchi “Binzo” Kouzou!

Binzo prefers people who are honest and upfront about their feelings and thoughts, and doesn’t really believe in sugarcoating things, so he would like that in a partner as well. Also, if you ever picked a fight with some asshole in front of Binzo, he’d fall in love with you all over again, like holy crap he would be all heart-eyes emoji over it. Maybe unpopular opinion here, but I see Binzo as being an introverted extrovert type, so I can see the two of you balancing each other out well. Binzo is all for good action plots so he’ll definitely be down to binge some Tokyo Rev with you. Also, this dude eats like a horse (do horses eat a lot? idk), so if you like food he’ll probably take you out to eat, like, all the time.

Alternate Matches: Odajima Yuken, Tettsu

[itsgivingautism]

01/18/24 — Zia rants about being autistic & physically disabled & chronically ill in a fucked ableist society & having to be dependent on their partner

Started to have meltdown over this & other stuff to my partner before he left for work…. I didn’t meant to have a morning meltdown. I found myself shutting down and feeling guilty before he left bc I can recognize it’s hard on him even when he doesn’t wanna show it. But needed a place to rant and ended up going off down below for a like an hour. I don’t want to open up but I made tumblr after not being on here since high school for an outlet for a lot of reasons, with support & encouragement from therapists to do so. But I also hate being perceived. I’m just so fucking annoying tho I somehow always bring attention to myself that I never want….. but I’m also learning to tell my story & share my experiences. As an autistic person late diagnosed who was severely abused throughout my entire childhood opening up, learning to unmask & not shutdown, understanding my own thoughts, feelings, & experiences is so fucking hard.

I am so grateful for my partner but god I wish I was independent. I wish I had the ability to take care of myself. I wish I wasn’t so fucking dependent on his love and support. I wish I wasn’t so needy, or clingy. I wish I wasn’t disabled physically and mentally. I wish I wasn’t so wounded & traumatized. I wish I wasn’t so chronically ill. I wish I wasn’t in autistic burnout, a state of prolonged cognitive decline that one average can last 2-10 years.

I wish I could get a job. Even working from home but my mind can’t even. I’m constantly age regressing and going across different timelines of my mind and getting trapped, constantly disconnecting from this current physical reality even when I seem like a part of it to others - but it’s just automatic masking as a trauma response. All a result of my CPTSD+autism+adhd

I haven’t been able to work a real job since 2020. I’ve been fighting to get the support & benefits I need but constantly being shit on. Having to go thru constant channels to prove how severe my issues are and then being told try this treatment first and when it doesn’t work its still somehow my fault. I’m sick of having to prove my disabilities & illnesses and then when I show how bad they are I’m being dramatic. But when I mask & show strength, I must be making it up. How could you be so strong about then? There’s no winning. Only losing. I don’t see a point in showing weakness or asking for help. But then refusing to and bottling it all up, that has lead me to deeply problematic bad spirals. I just want to be taken seriously by doctors & medical professionals. I hate this country.

I wish I was normal. I hate burdening my partner. Although I know he doesn’t want me to feel like one and he genuinely wants to help me, I also know I stress him out….

I am dependent on him financially while his job is fucking over their contracts, refusing to give him & his coworkers the raises they were supposed to get a year ago. Him and his coworkers have collectively trying to unionize for months (which is the only reason they actually didn’t get a pay cut which the company was tryna do even tho they were supposed to give raises last year) and ofc my partner has been the one leading the unionizing. (We joke about my radicalism really rubbing off on him)

I’m constantly trying to find ways to make money, which end up doing more damage to my body. He hate what it does to me. He wishes he could do more while stuck in his work contract. it’s a lot on him. And I feel like his life would be so much less stressful without me tho….. or at least if I could just be normal & healthy….

Even my friends point out that unless I’m talking about my emotions & trauma I don’t make any sense talking…. like burnout really shows…. It’s embarrassing constantly. I sound like a so clearly disabled most of the time. I used to exceptionally smart & articulate before this burnout. Ik they mean it accepting my but it’s hard when 90% of what I say comes out wrong. It’s hard when I’m trying to be supportive and it sounds like asshole shit bc my issues with speech & cognition. I want to be a lovely validating friend. Not the one they have to dissect my word vomit to find the love & support in foolish clumsily words. I’m technically hyperlexic so I can keep creating words but my other learning disabilities downgrade the quality & meaning of those words.

But I also only make sense when talking about my looping emotions & trauma is bc I only share what I can (the deeper stuff is vaulted by selective mutism & shutdowns). This is the shit going thru my brain, talking to myself about and looping constantly. Ofc it’s the only thing I can talk about. But even most the time I’m still not making sense entirely. But it’s all I can think about, talk to myself about, and it’s all the my brain is giving me permission to share about myself.

[urloveangel]

Hey! I loved your post about how when you have things you want to buy or invest in you think about how you can make more money to easily afford them, and the Universe always provides. It really resonated and I of course happened to see it at the exact time I needed it, haha. I wanted to ask if you had any examples in particular of this happening that you could please share? I would love to hear about those if you do. It’s so relevant for my journey right now. Thank you, I love your blog 🥰

Aw thank you angel, glad it resonated and helped you 💗

It’s all divinely orchestrated, never a coincidence 😊

It happens to me all the time tbf I’m so grateful my levels of abundance and opportunities continuously expand and increase. At some point I realized that the saving up perspective comes from the scarcity/lack mindset and limits how much I can create/earn. But truly I’ve been shown over and over again that there’s no threshold to what we can create and attract.

I’ve learned to surrender and trust instead because I choose to live in the world of abundance and where the Universe loves to bless me and provide for me.

Thanks to this shift I manage to earn more and more, I can afford vacations even to further places that I wouldn’t be able to afford a year or 2 ago. I also invest a lot (and tbf primarily) in my healing, consciousness expansion and education (for personal growth but also to support my business and purpose around helping others). I invest in energy healing sessions, ceremonies, courses, certifications, books, herbs etc. These investments are the most rewarding I’d say and I feel like the Universe rewards me for my commitment to my spiritual growth and serving the awakening of our collective by creating more abundance in my life. Plenty of times I invested in my healing and courses even though some were pretty expensive or scary to invest in (at least at the time) but then I’m always rewarded back tenfold (not saying it’s always financially tho) and somehow I’m able to invest even more next time.

Notice how I also call these investments instead of spending money etc. which is a game changer too! Words and how we see those energetic exchanges matter very much!

The good quality food, classes, sessions, treatments, nice quality clothes, holidays, books etc etc are all investments in myself, my well-being, my business which also then reflect on how I can show up for others and help them and share my abundance with them too ❤️ For me claiming abundance and ability to invest in myself is also a big part of ancestral healing / healing of my lineage ❤️

The way the Universe expands my abundance also comes in various ways very often it’s unexpected - eg. a new client for my healing business, a promotion or bonus at my 9-5, receiving money from family for birthday or other occasions, receiving gifts and the actual things I wanted to get myself from others without me having to spend a penny, unexpected refunds, or unexpected opportunities to save on some things or no longer having to pay for something I have before (it happens on its own not as a result of me trying to find ways to save, like the Universe removes it for me).

It’s also good to know when to ask for help (taking action is important in manifesting and trusting the Universe) - even when it comes to financial support when you want to invest in your own transformation and growth (I wouldn’t necessarily do it for material goods personally). For example check if you can get a credit card, a bank loan, a payment plan, ask your family and friends if they’re able to support your healing journey, education, business growth (eg suggest that instead of small not so meaningful birthday gifts you’d like them to gift you a healing session or chip in for a course). Feel into the situation and put yourself out there, explore different opportunities. Asking for help is completely fine, we’re not meant to do it all on our own. Ofc be mindful and take time to understand the terms and how you actually feel about it (don’t do it if it feels too risky or you’re too anxious) but we deserve to get support. People borrow/ask for money for luxury bags, cars, houses, university degrees etc so you can also invest in yourself and your growth which are more important than the former.

But yes most importantly (dare to) ask the Universe for what you want and that you’re open for support and trust that you’ll receive it. Nothing is out of reach. See yourself living that life, having that thing/experience. But also don’t attach too much to the outcome. You’ll be perfectly fine whether you receive it or not because it’s not about what happens / what you have it’s who you are - on identity level you’re already abundant and you’re grateful for it with all your being ❤️

The Universe, our ancestors, our spirit guides and higher self want us to enjoy this journey and show up for ourselves, so give yourself permission to do just that 💫

[mirrorfad]

hrm

haven't ranted about the whole thing with further day job yet bc haven't left home since Monday other than to go to night job and have no Internet at home lol. but anyways yeah I'm just stuck in the comatose "what's even the point of getting another job when I'll just be considered a failure at it too" stage. i mean i want a failure at the job, there were never problems at my last clinic lol 🤪 its literally the place itself (no mystery why their last two receptionists bailed on them before too long lmao), and i just happened to be the bullying target 😋 but yeah regardless I'm so tired of trying my damnedest to hardly survive (I'm not surviving anymore tbh I'm in massive debt from trying to survive that I'm behind on and still never be able to catch up on teehee). like there is no point man. I'm only here for my cats, since they need me. but I'm struggling more and more to even use that as justification for staying alive. I'm just so tired. i need a break. i need a break so badly but I'm poor as shit so I'm not ALLOWED one or else I'll just get the permanent break of "being homeless" (WHICH IS NOT A BREAK AT ALL ITS JUST 8 MILLION TIMES HARDER TO SURVIVE AND FOR LITERALLY NO REASON BC THIS COUNTRY AND THIS WORLD HATE AND VILIFY YOU FOR WHAT THEY'RE CAUSING YOU TO GO THRU LMAO!!).

since I'm forced with no choice to continue working myself to my literal death despite my body's PLETHORA of disabilities, which by all means SHOULD QUALIFY ME FOR DISABILITY PAY IF THIS COUNTRY/WORLD DIDN'T HATE US AS MUCH AS HOMELESS FOLK, but no that process is literally impossible bc they WANT you to fail at it and "you can clearly work!" yeah bc i have NO CHOICE!! I HAVE NOBODY TO FINANCIALLY SUPPORT ME WHILE I EITHER DON'T WORK FOR A YEAR OR SPEND A YEAR MAKING PENNIES JUST SO I CAN EVEN QUALIFY???? And even IF you do end up getting it after stupid nightmare years long process it is also just extreme poverty level pittance they throw away you 😑 and its so funny how badly they wanna kill disabled and homeless ppl off, but suicide is a SIN to be FROWNED UPON AND HATED lmao??? like they just want suffering instead, no death until you've suffered endlessly for no reason, even more than you already have for 800 years 🤪

and anyways got off track but whatever who cares nothing matters anyways. I'll just end up not being able to survive this month, not being able to afford the $1,800 i need to file for bankruptcy (I'm DESPERATELY NEEDING TO FILE FOR BANKRUPTCY literally how am i supposed to ever have that money lol???), and then getting another mind numbing job i hate so i can continue to both physically and mentally rot away 😋😋😋

o yeah and this isn't even mentioning the whole needing to move thing bc our 3rd roommate decided to break lease and jump ship on us earlier this month with no warning whatsoever. he used a form that's luckily not COUNTING this as a broken lease for any of us, but its still a selfish and unnecessary thing of him to throw at us lol!!! i still need to call and see if i can take him to small claims court over it, bc idk if the form he has protects him from that, even tho me and other roommate are just innocent bystanders in his entire mess. I'm tired of being disrespected, uncared about, and thrown under the rug. i really hope i AM able to take his ass to court.

but anyways I'd like to thank Slay the Spire for being an amazing distraction for the last 3 days and being the sole thing keeping me from throwing myself into a lake with cinderblocks tired to my ankles. glad i never played it before now so that i have it to play now with brand new eyes lol

also missed my therapist appt yesterday bc normally its on Wednesdays but was on Tuesday this week so i adjusted my alarm time for it to the right time... on the wrong... day... i really needed that this week man :")

[tangerinegod]

Hello! I am sorry to bother you but I am a senior getting ready for college this year. I am in the US and I wanted to major in the same thing you did, do you have any possible tips for me? I still haven't even looked for colleges that would be best for animation majors so I figured if you were up to giving out any tips/saying any basic ideas if you wanted to/if you had the time to then maybe I'll have a better idea! I apologise for if I sound weird! I'm tried to word it correctly but I can't 😿

hi!! i’m totally down to share my experiences! someone else also had some questions so i’m going to put them all together in this post haha, hopefully this helps! it’ll get pretty long so apologies ahead of time but art school is a lot to think about so i wanna be as helpful as i can around it, its a lot of time and money. I’m gonna put it all under a read more cus it is really really long!

i wanna start off with the fact that I had the privilege of attending school in a financially stable environment, my parents were/are really supportive so w merit scholarship i only came out with around 20-30k in debt and i also had housing support my entire time in school. they were ok with me focusing on academics so i didn’t hold a retail job unless i was out of school like summer/winter break. Ofc though i regularly take commissions/do merch/cons to try and pay for all bills that arent rent cus i did want to be financially independent where it was possible. I also did try and work during the semester but everytime i did my body would deff start to breakdown from the fact that i didnt wanna compromise schoolwork with jobs.. so just read ahead know this experience is from a student who was able to attend focusing only on school work for most of the time!

the biggest thing is knowing art school is not required to become a professional in either freelancing or industry! there are a huuuge amount of online tools and classes these days that provide the exact same education and for cheaper too. i think it depends on what experience you prefer/can handle/want but it’s definitely possible to make art/animation art your living without higher education. the thing that college will for sure give you though is the ability to meet deadlines, work even when you dont want to, and connections with peers+teachers. i think the connections part is invaluable because you’re basically coming out with a network of people you already know and who know you! 

also its good to know if you want to attend/can handle art school! it’s a lot of time and energy and students get burned out really fast. the best piece of advice i got before going was ‘if you draw every single day, even if its for only like 5-10 minutes or a doodle for a whole year you should be fine’ consistency is super key because you’re attending school to draw, and you’ll have to create work for stuff you aren’t excited for at some point or another. burnout is extremely real and the only reason i didn’t experience it was probably because i got super into drawing naruto fanart again inbetween sophomore and junior year! it helped give me something to draw seperated from school which is the only thing i was drawing for since i had entered rip. a heads up id also consider myself a workaholic so i fit in ok with the ‘art school’ environment but it is suuper unhealthy. if you are fantastic at managing your schedule then it’s definitely possible to take care of yourself! freshman year i got 8 hours a sleep a night and only pulled all nighters for some second semester finals at the end. sophomore year + up though i ended up prioritizing hw over sleep and like for sure, definitely shortened my life span. there’s another q down below where i’ll go more into detail but ya, be careful w ur work balance!

another tip especially for animation is knowing for a fact what type of animation you’re looking to go into, and what the school is offering. I didn’t think i’d get into art school at the time so i only applied to two places + decided if i didnt get into either id attend community to get credits out of the way while building portfolio. honestly? i did not do a lot of research LOL but like i did end up having the chance to tour and stuff! just know that each school will have a very different curriculum. The main differences are schools that prioritize 3D (cg animation, cg modeling, ect) and 2D/traditional (hand drawn, ‘oldschool’, digital or traditional based) this is a huge difference so make sure you do research for it! in most cases a 2D/traditional program will also offer 3D since it’s at the forefront of the industry animation wise rn. My school taught 2D but like hand drawn on physical paper 2D, frame by frame. while it was a good experience it’s super outdated because digital tools make it way faster + easier! i’d recommend looking for a program that is digital 2D over traditional 2D. 

if after your senior year covid is still affecting campuses in the US to keep them shut down i’d recommend attending a community college to get credits and then transferring into school. one of the negatives is paying money for gened classes when ur not there for them; if you can get them out of the way sooner and cheaper there is absolutely no negative + you could graduate earlier or use the extra time for better work or to work a job! 

these are all the general tips i think i’d give on like a broad basis of attending or not to think about? let me know if u have more q’s! someone asked q’s im answering below that go more into personal experiences + work culture so heres those:

- how many hours a week do u spend studying, in class, otherwise making art? like how much of ur life does it consume?

I was basically working on art.... 24/7! since i wasnt working a job at the same time i crammed as many credits as possible into my schedule so on avg i did 18 credit semesters (around 6 classes) art classes go for 6 hours and non art go for 3, so i’d spent around 30-35 hours in class a week! hw wise it varied on the class but combined it would be around 35-50 hours a week... im guessing? on average studio classes would have 8-10 hours of hw, maybe 5 for a light week, and gened classes 5 hours w them all combined. or this was probably how things were before junior year? junior+senior year i had thesis + everything else ontop.. i’d spend around 30-40 hours on thesis a week with other classes ontop of that bc my film was super long cus im a dummy! 

- is it hard going to art school n realising that altho u were probably quite talented… so is everyone else? Like. all of a sudden. ur not special and everyone seems as good as u, you know? More generally, how do u deal with comparison?

kinda?? i think instead of the idea of like you vs others it feels more of like a competition at first to be the best. this varies hugely on school culture though; my animation year was really friendly with each other and get along extremely well, so my answer to this is v different than some others who attended different schools. i think that the idea of ‘comparison’ only lasts a portion of the first year because at some point you realize that it’s not a who’s better as much as its a ‘these are my coworkers’ type thing? like healthy competition 100% because we’re all working to improve but i think most of us learned pretty early on that viewing each other as peers going into the same workforce helped a lot. also at some point everyone develops their own style/starts to develop their artistic preferences so there isn’t a way to compare whos 'better’ anymore? i dont think there ever is tbh because style is appealing based off of an individuals preferences. If anything realizing everyone else is also amazing makes you wanna work harder ig? or thats how i felt! it’s inspiring to be surrounded by so many people who create such amazing work. 

- is there a lot of workaholic culture? all nighter culture?

100000% there can be a workaholic and all nighter culture. i know people who avoided it and thats honestly fantastic because i fall super easily into that pit. sometimes i’ll pull all nighters on a personal project just because i really want to finish it... i am definitely considered a workaholic all the way through and its not healthy rip... i’d estimate at the worst i was pulling 2-3 all nighters a week and only 4-5 hours of sleep on the nights i didn’t? that was only for one year tho, after that i was like yeah ok this is really bad for my health in the long run LOL so i tried to cut it down to one all nighter a week and around 5-6 hours of sleep the rest of the week! by senior year my decision to cram in full semesters paid off and i was able to consistently get around 7 hours of sleep a night + no all nighters minus finals since my schedule was lighter despite thesis 😭 while there is that culture i don’t think people view it as like a badge of honor or something to be proud of anymore which is good, we mostly view it as a flaw of the art school system and something that needs to be fixed!!

- are you glad u did it? how did u know it was what u wanted?

i am glad i did it! i’m definitely in a limbo right now of if it was worth both my time, money, and my parents money rip but i think with what i got out of it i definitely wouldn’t be as far skill wise or knowledge wise when it comes to the art industry. i would say it was only worth it for be because i had so much support going in though so i was able to focus so much on improving. if i had only been able to put in part of the effort and not make full use of the resources provided i would honestly have a different answer.. 

i knew it was what i wanted when i realized i really couldn’t see myself pursuing a different profession happily! despite all the bumps and stuff im fully in love with drawing still and feel honored that it’s a field that can provide a living. my second profession choice was to go into culinary school? and third option i think going was into music cus i was also a band kid hehe.  

- how do u cope with ur hobby becoming ur job? how do u deal with art going from something u do for fun to something u do on command constantly?

i think seperating work art from personal art is important! in my case im doubling naruto into being personal work so i have something to fall back onto that isn’t work related. its been a hyperfixation for 12+ years? so drawing it at this point is just like personal art imo. some people have hobbies outside of art and only draw for their job! i think after attending classes for so long the idea of hobby turning into job feels extremely natural? also i enjoy doing it so thats a huge plus! 

sorry this is SO long but i hope i answered your guys’ questions! if you have more just lmk!

[souladventure]

What I learned during the Covid19 lockdown after losing my passion business.

Despite all the losses incurred because of this global cluster-fuck known as the COVID19 pandemic/lockdown, I've learned so many invaluable truths and realities that probably wouldn't have ever surfaced otherwise. Here are a few that i'd like to share with everyone so I could just get it out there for my own wellbeing and possibly help others in the process:

1. I learned so much about myself and how weak I am (or was) mentally. My heart and mind didn't fair so well when I lost so much and I'm still coping as I write this. I feel a lot stronger emotionally now after such a debilitating and humbling experience. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger I guess.

2. If you get into a business that’s directly related to a passion that brings you joy and purpose, brace yourself for the turmoil and negativity (that comes with any business) you will be introducing to this passion of yours. i.e. Surfing for me was all positivity until I had to start hiring friends and dealing with different groups who either saw me as a threat or just felt I was competition to them. I honestly just wanted to help an industry grow so every stakeholder involved, including myself, could flourish but I didn't expect a lot of people to hate on me for it. 

The good news is after a decade many of these haters became my friends again when they realized my efforts actually helped them and that I wasn't there to take anything away from them. Surfing is a huge part of my lifestyle and my relationship to the community is something I'd like to maintain as a positive zone instead of a cutthroat business arena. 

I'm happy to say that although I share the same passion for food and I am now committed 100% to this industry ("Tito Paolo's Inasal" est during lockdown May 2020), I'm not emotionally involved with anyone else in it and I would't care less if anyone hated on me.

3. Don't get into a business that relies entirely on the skills of only a very limited amount of individuals that aren't readily available or expendable. For this reason, i chose to close down Skwala Surfboards, a passion project i dreamt about since '99 and materialized in 2010, when the pandemic further burried me in debt. You will pay for this big time if the employees or partners who are the only ones who can perform the main operations of your business suddenly act up. (This was something I actually already knew even before the pandemic but because I was so passionate about it I still decided to continue. Now I’m facing the ramifications of being blinded by a grave emotionally driven decision).

I don't regret this tho because I still built something that was considered the best in it’s time and also established itself as the pioneer of a growing industry. This satisfaction doesn't stem from merely bragging rights but more so on the fact that I know that I can be the best at something I focus all my energy on. (I'm happy to say I have shifted this focus from surfboard manufacturing to food where I feel just as fulfilled and continue to grow and innovate.) 

You yourself have to be the best at providing the product/service of your business so that when the people you hire fuck up you can fire their asses and do it yourself. I couldn’t and wouldn’t ever learn how to shape a surfboard but I’m proud enough to say that I am the best beginner level surfing instructor and I make the best inasal.

4. Don’t expect your employees to make any extra efforts or sacrifices for you in times of crisis and prioritize your business in its entirety. Do not give more than you can afford no matter how desperate they are. They will never sincerely appreciate your gestures of kindness and generosity and you best expect that they will never return the favor! Your business isn't a charity and it's survival as a whole should be paramount. Sorry to say but in my experience the employees will never ever truly understand nor realize the value of their employer's survival. They will still slack with their work and expect the same salary despite the sales amounting to zero. And don’t be surprised when they fucking steal. That’s because they feel like its their right to do so (A common issue in third world settings). To top it off when everything is close to being dead they will still ask for backpay. Make sure you are prepared legally and financially for this. But don't you ever believe you have loyal employees who are willing to join you in the muck when the shit goes down. I wouldn't either so I'm not judging anyone with this statement and I'm eating up the losses. But except for those who stole...fuck them.

5. Learn to let go and do it sooner so as not to lose more than you really have to. If you think going through a breakup is tough, try losing your dream business. Make sure you are on point with calculating your losses and pull the plug as early as you can. Don't allow your passions to overcome your decision making. One of the first things my father taught me in business was "Never fall In love with your ideas" and I'm still kicking myself for not listening. What I can add to this is if you aren’t part of the lucky few whose passions just so happen to be highly lucrative businesses then instead "Do what your are good at over doing what you love! Because when you succeed at what you are good at you can do absolutely anything you want!" Anyone who tells you otherwise is either a rich kid or a Woke AF grass fed hipster.

6. Get work online. Start a vlog, a podcast, teach english or teach anything. Just take the steps to begin a career online because this is easily available and it's work from home safe. I'm only beginning to do this now and yes I'm gonna make a vlog or podcast interview about all of these things I mentioned above but only after I'm done sorting all my shit out.

That's all I have to say for now and I'm happy to also say that I've been moving forward with a more positive attitude lately. I'm stronger now and I only care about things that are valuable to my growth. I still deal with depression and anxiety on a daily basis but this has reduced as I see new goals on the horizon.

I wanna thank all my friends who were there to drop a line and support me in even the slightest of ways when I most needed it.

I want to thank my Dad and family for being there no matter what. I'm crying now as I type this. Man, you don't know how much gratitude I have for you guys.

I also want to thank those who still stayed buddies with people who burned me in business. It allows me to know where to classify you in my internal contact list. (Facebook should have that...Friends list and Frenemies or Fake Friends, lol.)

I also want to thank God...yes I believe in you. Live Jesus in our hearts...Forever. Amen. 

[shownusmilitarymilf]

So here’s the run down:

-I get in the building, couldn’t find the merch (it was on he other side so I missed it and when the concert was over the line was mad long so I knew it wasn’t worth it)

-so concert started a bit late cause smart financial does not know how to handle large crowds

-since we were waiting we didn’t know exactly when it would start and at some point an mnet comercial played but we thought it was the concert starting so we then all collectively Lost. Our. Shit.

-couple min later concert does start

-I’m screaming like my damn life depends on it

-when the screen finally starts to rise once again, we mcfreakin loose

-they wore the Versace fits and did shoot out first (I don’t remember the exact order of all the songs played cause I was lit af so my memories jumbled)

-at some point something malfunctioned w kihyuns jacket so he threw it away to the side

-evetually they started getting hot and only im, hyungwon, and Wonho had their jackets

-shownus shirt was so tight you could see the button fighting keep that mf closed

-actually I’m pretty sure that bitch popped by the next song

-also he was so sweaty the fabric of his shirt stuck to his skin so u could see EVERYTHING

-they all sound SO GOOD LIVE

-especially kihyun like—dude can wail!

-hyungwon is a thousand percent more handsome in person especially w the longer hair like...WOW

-Jooheon is the ultimate hype man

-also I’m mad jealous of mbb who sat in the first row cause Jooheon stayed interacting w them

-after today I dgaf what ANYWONES gotta say about who’s the best kpop rapper—it’s Lee Jooheon and I’m Changkyun. Recognize talent

-Minhyuk IS a bby

-oh gahd their solo stages I—

-KiHyunMin stage was a LOT sexier than I anticipated

-JooKyun stage..........all I can say is the dragon sho as hell entered THIS night

-like seriously Jooheon is so damn talented like homeboy can LIT RUT LEE do it all

-tbh they could do a concert by themselves and id still be as hyped

-they didn’t make the flip trick 🤣🤣🤣 (still played the hype music tho)

-WonSho stage was ethereal and luxurious

-Wonho wore his Thotfit

-Shownus tiddies were barely concealed by a see through shirt w only one button

-also I loved the dance for it!?!!!??!!? So much emotion!

-when wonsho left kihyungmin came back out to entertain us for a while

-hyungwon did a sexy dance while ki sang

-I forgot when play it cool was but—WAIT IT WAS DURING VERSACE TIME cause I remember Changkyun sang during the chorus of who do you love

-or maybe it wasn’t

-this whole thing is jumbled

-but WOW what a singer Jooheon is

-IM SANG CENTER FOR WHO DO U LOVE

-Anyways back to kihyungmin

-so they’re goofin while the others get ready

-then jookyun comes out

-more goofin

-then i don’t remember why but Im showed off his thigh (he pulled his shorts leg up) AND WHEN I SAY THIS BOY IS RIPPED!?!!??!

-LIKE DUDE HAS SLIGHTLY LESS BULKY WONHO THIGHS

-than hyungmin did it and they’re so tiny lmao

-also yes kihyun IS the smallest member

-by my side was soooooo sweeeet like my lil Monbebe heart burst🥺

-Im pretending to me a drunk bish during party time SENT me

-the end to party time when they go “we be like dalalalala” SENT US

-so many sweet moments of them expressing their love to us

-we died SEVERAL times during the first vcr it was so cute🥺

-which was a stark contrast to how FUCKED up the second one was

-we got MAD lit for oh my

-when Jooheon did the whisper rap we mcfreakin LOST. IT.

-seriously mbbs were singing the WHOLE damn time

-me include

-my voice is gone. Finished. Finite.

-so they ‘end’ w I think it was alligator?

-so they’re waving like bye this is the last song, we outcha!

-which made me low key sad cause I’m like ahhh no rodeo:(

-so naturally some ppl start to leave but the majority of us stayed

-like lit rut Lee just 5-10 minutes of us occasionally screaming and then chanting mx

-then...outta no where...we see a dim set of lights on stage

-so naturally we go NUTS

-then like magic....h.one appears

-even w no music were going O.F.F.

-so then the other memebers start to come out again and they’re dancing and stuff, just boolin

-Jooheon starts to hype Shownu and he did a lil dance but then got embarrassed by Jooheon and us cheering so he stopped

-Jooheon then hit the woah several times

-if I get around to posting the endment I must cause it’s so sweet and sad:(

-I think Wonho was getting emotional that it was the end of the concert so he kept his head down w his hat covering his eyes while he went

-hyungwon said he felt like Houston made him comfortable like being back in Korea

-Minhyuk said he feels bad cause we were giving 100% but he felt like he only gave 50% which—BOY! IF THATS YOU AT 50% IM ALMSOT SCARED TO SEE 100%

-we also hardcore disagreed cause homeboy was putting in W.O.R.K!

-Kihyun said sometimes after concerts the members feel empty (DAMN MY FEELS) so it was nice to have our support

-Jooheon basically became a preacher for a couple minutes and told us to be happy and follow our dreams

-jooheons fam was there!

-they sang I do love you to end and WOW was I made soft af

-which is funny cause I never particularly cared for the song, but guess who’s changed her mind about that🤪🤪🤪

-then so now it’s over they’re walking to stand on the platform and Wonho OUT OF FUCKING NO WHERE—decides he’s just gonna....TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF!!!!!

-THEN FUCKING MINHYUK THREW IT INTO THE AUDIENCE

-then that was it and I left to wait outside for my cousins to pick me up which took forever cause traffic was awful

-also a fire truck showed up????? This ain’t nct?????

Final Tots:

-Lee Jooheon and Im Changkyun are the G.O.A.T.’s of korean rappers, idol or otherwise

-hyungwon and Minhyuk both sing excellently(so starship give them more damn lines)

-Kihyun and fucking Jooheon were BELTING them lines (especially Kihyun like lil homie did NOT come to play games)

-Wonho is basically if you got a ziplock bag, stuffed it w marshmallow fluff till its maxed, then drew abs on it dudes just MAD cuddly

-Shownu.......he really is a whole ass man

-I loved every minute of this I wasn’t disappointed at all I enjoyed myself immensely and I hope I get to see them again in the future (hopefully vip!)

[1-800-444-tune]

I have cancer ...PLEASE DONATE !!😫😪😔😞

HOME

This is my main blog, I mostly do Tarot and other divination services on here, and most often it is for FREE. Which, this is NOT fair to me, but none of ya 'll know about my struggle.. bug it is real hear me out, yo.

ABOUT ME

I am nearly 30 years old now and I was actually first off diagnosed with Ovarian cysts at the age as young as 14 yrs old, yes, I was 16 by the time it went untreated and had spread all through my ovaries and to all the fallopian tubes and my uterus... then untreated still another couple years (because of poor health care in my smaller rural communities including my hometown) then at 19 my whole entire uterine lining was xomething of a mess, the doctors said basically all there woukd have been to prevent it from dpreading the cancer elsewhere would have been a full out take of my sexual organs , i believe the term is a hysterectomy....but on my paperwork i see here that it says that I was to undergo something else... + + The removal of an ovary together with the Fallopian tube is called salpingo-oophorectomy or unilateral salpingo-oophorectomy (USO). When both ovaries and both Fallopian tubes are removed.

But that did not happdn due to complications. So now, its spread to my other organs as youd guess, spleen, liver, kidneys, etc...it is a shitttSHOW I knowe.

This is why I would appreciate it if some one, any one would stand up for me ..just have a say in whether I eat today or not, or whether I stay in this residence without having to move this winter, I mean, Winter, its settling in.,,

I do not always feel totally blessed to be me; But ai I cannot complain when the bills is caught up and I gots good food at home(and the fight food, I am on a special expensive diet)

Cancer is expensive…AF!  If you have cancer, this is no news to you. But until cancer happened to me, I had no idea how expensive it truly was.  I think it’s safe to say that that seeing how much it will cost to undergo treatment is almost as frightening as getting the actual cancer diagnosis.  My diagnosis has definitely opened my eyes to the shocking reality of the financial burden that cancer causes for an individual and their family.  The astronomical expenses that accrue from treatments, tests, surgeries, scans, integrative therapies, etc are outrageous! While there are both public and private health insurance that defray medical and drug costs, huge out-of-pocket costs can be devastating to patients and force major changes in their lives. I’ve had to make several changes and my life has been affected indefinitely due to the financial burden that cancer has caused. The financial stress it causes for people during treatment until remission alone is hard, but imagine living with cancer where the treatments, doctor visits, tests and lifestyle adjustments are ever enduring, like when you have metastatic cancer.  It’s life altering… to say the least.

HOW MUCH DOES CANCER TREATMENT ACTUALLY COST?

This is an impossible question to answer. The cost of treatment obviously varies from individual to individual based on their diagnosis, the type of treatment they will require and the longevity of the treatment.  However, the “typical” cost of breast cancer looks a little something like this according to recent studies.

“For patients covered by health insurance, out-of-pocket costs for breast cancer treatment typically consist of doctor visit, lab and prescription drug copays as well as coinsurance of 10%-50% for surgery and other procedures, which can easily reach the yearly out-of-pocket maximum. Breast cancer treatment typically is covered by health insurance, although some plans might not cover individual drugs or treatments. For patients not covered by health insurance, breast cancer treatment typically costs $15,000-$50,000 or more for a mastectomy or $17,000 to $35,000 or more for a lumpectomy followed by radiation.”

New cancer drugs are being approved at a fast pace.  Numerous are approved each year and new drugs are constantly in trial and in the pipeline to be FDA approved. In the past, these drugs might cost around $10,000 for a year’s treatment. But newer studies have found that newly-approved cancer drugs carry price tags between $120,000 and $170,000!  One of the drugs I take as part of my daily cocktail, is a newly FDA approved drug called Ibrance… for heavily pretreated ER+ metastatic patients.  It has worked wonders for me but a month supply of this drug is over $12,000.  I am blessed to have good coverage, but not all people are as fortunate.

“Depending on the individual case and the type and number of treatments needed, the total cost of breast cancer treatment, on average, can reach $100,000 — or, in advanced cases, $300,000 or more. This includes the cost of the chemotherapy drugs, additional drugs to help manage side effects, administration of the drugs and medical care for chemotherapy-related complications.”

And again, if you are anything like myself and are living with a metastatic diagnosis, treatments and care is endless with no foreseeable light at the end of the tunnel.

😔😫😫🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗😔😔😫

WHY IS IT SO EXPENSIVE???

The never ending list of cancer expenses looks a little something like this:

 🎗Frequent doctor visits with surgeon, radiologist, oncologist.  I personally see my oncologist once every 3 weeks and check in with my surgeon every couple of months.

🎗Lab Tests.  This includes blood tests, urine tests and more. I get my labs done every few weeks when I see my oncologist to check my levels and tumor markers.

🎗Clinic visits for treatments. When I was on IV treatment I would be in the treatment center every few weeks.  Currently I take an oral chemo and only have to be in the treatment clinic once every few months for my Lupron injection. But many people are in the treatment clinic, daily or weekly to get their infusions and injections.

🎗Procedures for diagnosis or treatment. Such procedures can include biopsies, room charges, equipment..  I’ve had a few biopsies and had to get lung taps done frequently when I had lung mets.

🎗Imaging Tests. These tests include X-rays, CT scans, MRIs and PET scans which may mean separate bills for radiologist fees, equipment and any medicines used for the test.  These tests are extremely costly too…yikes!  I get PET/CT scans every 3 months, consistently for the past 6 years now.

🎗Radiation Treatment  (implants, external radiation, or both) I have never had radiology but as we know, it’s a very common treatment for most cancers.

Drug🎗 Costs. (inpatient, outpatient, prescription, non-prescription and procedure-related) The cost of chemotherapy drugs is crazy!

🎗In-Home Nurse Care (if you need it, and I do actually, yes) and its freaking insane how much these so called "nurses aids -assistants" want an hour!!

Hospital 🎗Stays. This can encompass many types of costs such as drugs, tests and procedures as well as nursing care, doctor visits and consults with specialists. I have been admitted twice, each time for a week stay for cancer related issues.

🎗Surgery. Costs can accrue from surgeon, anesthesiologist, pathologist, operating room fees, equipment, medicines…  I have had 3 lumpectomies and 2 other surgical procedures related to my cancer diagnosis.

🎗Fertility.  If you are blindsided and diagnosed in your 20’s or 30’s with a cancer diagnosis and want to have a family, freezing your eggs is an option, but a costly one.  You will be required to pay for tests, and medications leading up to the surgical procedure to remove your eggs.  I paid about $10K out of pocket to cover the cost of freezing my eggs.

While these are examples of the clinical costs associated with cancer, there are other adjustments you may want to make that will also prove to be costly.  I personally changed my diet and started to eat all organic foods and sought integrative therapies to add to my clinical regime.  You can read more about the therapies I have incorporated here.  All of these expenses add up and certainly are a financial strain.

🎗🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟And of course we need to pay... Rent, heat/hydro, car/transportation/ambulance bills , always bills bills bills billsssss.....and wifi/internet/television/mobile phone znd/or tablet or computer and gaming systems... camera.....im z girl so clothes..makeup,(I'm thrifty ricky tho) and always last, maybe maybe get sweets healthwise branded cookies or some type of peanuts(unsalted).

I never get go, go nowhere, do anything, get a coffee from a coffee shop, i can't afford to do just about anything a normal individual such as yourself yourself would do, i just cannot do it its not in my budget ... I currently own ONE lipgloss, and one broken eye liner , that is my makeup beauty kit, who the heck wants to even go out or take pictures thenn? Ugh....

Www.paypal.me/believeitxxnot is the link to the Cancer Fundraiser🎗the email for it is believeitornot.ripley.tv@gmail.com

Anyways, do not feel bad for me. I am here to service YOU for ever I know this . TY so much ily guys , please please if you will not donate to my awfully painfully really urgent cause then PLEASE SHARE POST ..... BOOOST POOOOST !! PLZ !! XOXO

I need the supporters !! Yo yo ! DOOOONAAAATEEEEE!!

A n y t h i n g h e l p s m e r i g h t n o w , p l e a s e ! ?

[celeryjiaozi]

made a bigggg pot of kimchi jjigae for 5 pals ytd...first time cooking all by myself for this many ppl tbh!! so nice to chat over hot food w good pals. we were talking abt picking majors at one point and my friend was like 我终于意识到老师跟我们说的爱好和专业是两回事，还是要把爱好当副业 “i finally realised what my teacher meant when she said ur passion and ur major should be two diff things, u should treat ur passion as a side gig” n it made me sad even tho its true... ofc there r ppl who are able to combine the two but i think it takes a lot of luck and being able to withstand a certain amt of risk (ie having financial safety nets in place) before u can pursue sth u truly love full-time while still being able to support urself/family

[smallnico]

your gender thing struck a cord with me in a way-in middle school i felt like i didnt want to be a girl, or that i wanted to be a girl and a boy (didnt know that was a thing at the time) bc i felt like being a girl was too limiting. i didnt identify with what i thought a girl was supposed to be. as i got older tho, i realized that i didnt have to be a certain way to still be a girl (part one)

(part two) and that all being a girl meant was identifying as one. so now i id as a woman, but recently still struggled with my gender identity. i realize after much analysis its not bc im trans, but bc gender roles are just SO limiting and there's still outside pressure and expectation to present and behave in ways that dont suit me, so being perceived as a woman, even tho i AM, makes me feel burdened.

(part 3) its not being a woman thats the issue, its what society thinks that should mean is so limiting and untruthful to who i am, that it sometimes makes that identity itself seem repellent to me. for me, i find a struggle to take back my womanhood and defend it from my own skewed views due to society. i dont need to perform my gender to be valid. so i dont see myself as "gnc" so much as gender role irreverent. I am who i am

part 4- i by no means mean to imply that people who feel uncomfortable with their gender are just struggling with internalized misogyny- i'm no terf, and hope i don't come across that way. This is just about my OWN very personal experience with struggling with feeling weirdly at odds with my gender despite being cis. and i'm sure me being queer has impacted this disconnect as well (u can post these if u like)

i think i will post these, because it also pretty much resonates beat for beat with my experience. the way i interpret “gender nonconforming girl” as a label is really also just “gender irrelevant”, i just prefer it for myself because it allows me the freedom of expressing comfort with my body and the way i was born while also dismissing the notion that i feel any sort of obligation to conform to the expectations of that gender. i am a girl, objectively, in the same sense that a trans girl is objectively a girl, because it’s how i’m comfortable identifying. i’m just not a Girl™. and that’s not like, a “i’m not like other girls” sort of internalized misogyny thing -- i have absolutely nothing against girls or femininity, traditional or otherwise, and i celebrate and support people who find it empowering -- it’s more a discomfort and resentment toward a flawed and limiting mode of human categorization.

but yeah, in middle and high school, it was kind of a thing i held against girls and femininity. i went out of my way to avoid wearing skirts and dresses and bright colours, i stopped shaving, i kept my hair short, all because i didn’t want people to think i was Trying To Be Feminine. i was torn between wanting to try wearing makeup and never wanting to touch the stuff because of its association with feminine expectations. i experimented with my gender identity because i didn’t know what i wanted to be, all i knew was that i didn’t want to be stuck performing femininity my whole life because as soon as i started doing it, it was what people expected me to keep doing. nowadays i sort of associate that internal conflict with choosing a life path when applying for university -- i didn’t know what i wanted to do in particular, all i knew was that i never wanted to be asked to do math again. i didn’t know how to feel about my gender, except that i was tired of being asked to Do Woman, because i wasn’t good at it and didn’t think it was worth the hassle. 

(sidenote, i agree that this is inalienably linked to my queer identity, and the other and better meaning of “do woman”. i’m bisexual, but i was first driven to consider queer sexuality as a part of my identity because i So So Badly did Not want to fill the role of “woman” in a relationship with a man, and realized that actually, maybe i don’t have to, because i’m also attracted to women and nonbinary folks. it’s taken me the better part of 7 years of sexuality questioning to accept that i’m also attracted to men for this reason.)

of course, it’s not like that anymore, my life’s gotten a lot better since i decided to stop putting any energy into gender performance and start putting energy into “just doing what i want with myself”. i wear skirts and dresses now, because i just decided to stop associating them with feminine presentation and start associating them with things like “cute stylish outfit” and “i don’t have to wear pants and nobody will care”. i haven’t shaved since high school, not because i’m rebelling against the concept of femininity, but because i just don’t like shaving. i don’t bother with makeup because i’m bad at it and don’t feel like any reward i get from it is worth the strain it would cause me, financially or energetically. i can’t stress enough how little gender (consciously) factors into any of the decisions i make about the way i present and socialize, to the point where if someone accuses me of being “unladylike” or whatever, my first emotional response to that is confusion, because i wasn’t considering gender as a factor in my behaviour to begin with. it’s not very exciting, but i dress and present and perform as androgynous mostly as a coincidence, cus that’s just what happens when i don’t care about filling the requirements to qualify for a certain identity. as always -- no shade to people who do find comfort in doing so. you’re valid, i love you, and i admire your resolve.

this of course, again, isn’t meant to discount or dismiss the experiences of anyone who doesn’t feel this way about gender. i’m also not unaware of the privilege i hold to not be given shit for the way i present -- i am white, slim, nonreligious, middle class, and afab, all things that factor into society’s general acceptance of my deviance from gender performance that may not factor into others’ experiences. i’m not here to tell anyone that they should be like me and also eschew gender-related identity concerns (though feel free to give it a try, if you think it’ll empower you to live your best life), and i’m aware that it isn’t as easy as just deciding not to care anymore. this isn’t advice, nor is it a guide to any sort of universal experience. it’s just my personal experience. 

but if it resonates with you, i’m always glad to help people feel like they’re not the only one. thanks for sending this in, anon! i hope it doesn’t seem like i’m trying to talk over you, or anything, i just wanted to expand on my earlier point, given that it struck a chord :>

[fairycosmos]

+ i have a job interview tomorrow and i just cant go. its a rlly good job but i just cant. idk why. maybe its my anxiety or me sabotaging myself again. i know my mom will think im a failure. but i just want to keep studying. i want to keep trying. it just feels more important. i want to want be alive before anything else. do you think im lazy?? iknow you'll never anwser this but should i go anway? is it awful that i never had a job? i just feel like a bum. idk sorry for putting this on u.

hey. no, i dont think you’re lazy at all. quite the opposite. i admire you a lot for caring so much about your studies, for wanting to make something of yourself and for continuing to try your best even though you’re going through such a difficult time at the moment. that’s a lot easier said than done, and yet you’re still managing it, which is really fucking cool. you should be proud. and listen, i’m 18 as well, and i’ve never had a job either. it’s super, super common. it’s not like it’s easy to get a job these days, especially while you’re still studying. and just cause you’re older now doesn’t mean you’re singularly responsible for the financial situation of your family. it’s not just down to you to make money, and that’s not your sole purpose in life. also, you’re definitely accomplishing more than i am, seriously. i know the world kind of pushes the idea that you’re only worth something if you’re constantly being used, if you’re constantly providing money or results or good grades. but that’s genuinely not true. it takes years and years to come to terms with the fact that it’s not true, but it’s not. honestly, how ‘well’ you perform from a capitalistic standpoint doesn’t reflect who you are as a person. how you treat others, how you choose to experience life, your interests and your hobbies - those all say more about you than whether or not you have a job. i know you’re not going to believe me, but you being here is good enough. your presence is the most important thing.  it probably feels like i’m lying, and it will for a long time, but if you start letting that idea into your mind, you’ll begin to accept it eventually. 

your parents clearly have fucked up priorities. and i’m sorry. because you deserve so much better than that. having a bad relationship with them will always be shitty, and you’re totally allowed to feel whatever you need to feel about it. anger, sadness, bitterness, fear, guilt. process it all one day at a time. as long as you try to cope with those emotions in a healthy way (letting yourself cry, talking about it, writing about it, practicing self affirmations), then you’re doing fine. but at the same time, there comes a point where you have to realize that your family have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about. they really, really dont. if they only want to acknowledge you when you’re in a top school or when you have a great fucking job, then they dont deserve you at all. they wont even give you a chance to find your balance. seriously. they wont even cut you any slack. you owe them nothing but respect and since they dont respect you, you dont even owe them that. i dont know how else to put it but i cant stress it enough, they’re awful for making you feel so bad for no reason. i know exactly how you feel. and it’s just. like there’s no point in constantly overexerting yourself for the approval of people that are NEVER going to be satisfied. how they feel about you isn’t actually about you. it’s about them, and their own fucked up mindsets. you are not alive to serve them. you are not alive to be exactly who they want you to be, you know? this is YOUR life, not theirs. and it’s the only one you’re ever going to get. so if you have to make a few choices that disappoint them, then so be it. they’ll either get over it or fuck off, and either way you’ll be better off. it’s ok to start making choices for yourself, man. and it may take some time before you work up the courage to do so, but that’s alright too. it’s all a learning process. 

it seems like your anxiety/depression is the real crux of all of this, though. it’s really worrying, what you said in your other ask. my heart dropped reading it. if you dont confront that issue then you wont like it anywhere, because you wont like being yourself. whether you get a great job, or make a shit ton of money, or continue to study. whatever path you take, you’ll only be truly comfortable if you make your mental health a priority. you have to take it seriously. it’s okay to put yourself first, before the people around you, before school and work. because struggling with a mental illness is one of the most difficult things in the world. and you dont have to beg anyone to understand that. are you currently on any medication, or seeing a therapist or some sort of counselor? if you are, is it possible for you to ask for additional support? and if you haven’t spoken to anyone, is than an option for you? even if you just begin by talking to your usual doctor, to see if he/she can refer you to someone? if you’re worried about money, there are low cost/free options, too. it’s just that, suicidal thoughts are not something you just have to ‘put up with.’ and they’re certainly not something you have to deal with alone. others have been exactly where you are, others understand more than you realize. you dont have to hurt yourself outwardly to show that you’re hurting inwardly, alright? if you believe anything i say, believe that. your life is so precious and rare and significant, man. and where you’re at right now truly isn’t where you’re always going to be. you’re not trapped, you have a choice to make. making the conscious effort to seek help, to admit that you need some guidance, will make a massive difference in your perception of everything. if you work closely with a professional, then you’ll be able to create a care plan for yourself, you’ll be able to learn how to incorporate healthy coping mechanisms into your life, you’ll be able to find the root causes of why you feel the way you do. you’ll be able to talk openly about your family, and the way they make you feel, and your worries about the future. all of that will make the pain manageable. there is treatment available. it wont be an instant improvement, but reaching out is a wonderful place to start. your mental health is just as important as your physical health. and of course, there will always be a part of your mind that tries to talk you out of it. there’ll always be that moment of anxiety/fear, when you dont know what you’re doing. but you need to try to look past that, and to have a bit of empathy for your future self. temporary feelings should never stop you from getting the care that you need. so even if you just begin by calling a hotline to see what they think you should do next, then that’s still something to be v proud of.

i know it’s hard. i get it. i understand more than i can put into words. and i know that asking for help is a massive step. i’m not saying you have to make any big decisions right now. i’m just asking you to consider it, consider yourself for once in your life. i know there are days where you feel like living like this isn’t worth it at all. you dont want to live like this anymore, right? and you dont have to, but killing yourself wont solve anything. it’s ok to feel like giving up sometimes. as long as you know the difference between having a thought, and actually acting on it. you dont have to lean into the pain, you can just let it wash over you. your mental illnesses and your family and all of the bullshit is stopping you from seeing how wonderful and worthy you are, how much life still has to offer you. there’s so much you haven’t experienced. there is so much happiness waiting in the future. it won’t be constant, but it’ll become a theme in your life. you have all of the time in the world to figure things out. this is the exact age that you’re supposed to be confused and lost, and to not know what to do. you don’t have to have everything worked out right now. you’re doing so much better than you think you are, i promise. the only thing you have to worry about is taking care of yourself. that’s the only thing that’s truly in your control. you can create a better environment for yourself. you can create a life that you dont want to escape from, and that’s what you truly need. not to die but to re-envision your own existence. it’s healthy to do that from time to time. 

as a sidenote, it’s completely up to you whether or not you go to the job interview. there’s no pressure, there’s no wrong answer. but i just hope you know it’s okay to take things at your own pace, regardless of what your dumb ass family has to say. i think the smartest move for you to make is to put all of your energy into reaching out for help. continue to study, just put it on the back burner for now. continue to look for a job (tho i think smth part time is realistically a better option for you), but dont put all of your self worth into it. more than anything, this is a transitional period in your life. it’s the stepping stone between here and there. uncertainty is to be expected, anxiety is to be expected, but that doesn’t mean you have to handle it all on your own. i believe with all of my heart that you’re going to be okay. you said ‘i want to be alive before anything else.’ you should always hold onto that. you’re so fucking capable, and you’re so much stronger than you realize, dude. i’m not bullshitting. i’m being straight up. keep taking it one day at a time. if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even getting through one minute at a time is something to celebrate. look at the next 24 hours of your life, and see what you can do in that time to help yourself - fuck everything else. i’m always here if you need a friend, or if you want to talk about this properly. i’m sorry i couldn’t be of more help. if you ever need anyone, hmu. if you think you’re going to do something, hmu. and please stick around. you’re not going to regret it.

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

[deeeelightfuldee]

surveyss 041.

Have you ever fed or taken care of a stray animal? Yup. we ended up adopting .. well lets just say a lot of them. Unless they had owners.

Would you say that you are an insightful person? I think so. having studied EI (emotional intelligence) i believe I have a decent level of it.

Do you pay attention to the needs of others? I try to. In my mind, I think I do OK with that. Like when I was close to Kile, I would actively try to meet needs he had and to support him. I think some of the things he really liked were words of affirmation, quality time, talking about our future, support towards his dreams, encouragement, answering his calls, sending him pictures, and just over all attending to his well-being. maybe he didnt see it that way tho. with others, like for instance family members, if I see things piling up for them, I’ll jump in and do what I can. often thats cleaning, running an errand, making a meal, doin some laundry.

What is something you tend to worry about? goodness. being able to financially sustain myself.

What is something you do that is unhealthy? not get in as much exercise as I wish I could.

What is something you do that is good for you? I tend to my mental health, I practice self-care.

How many songs do you have on your music device? I use Spotify on my phone for music. I’m not sure how many songs are on my main playlist. <<<<< same

How often do you text with other people? daily

Do you remember how long ago you first started texting? 18-19?

Can you recall a time in your life without the internet? yup! simpler days.

When was the last time you cuddled with someone? I want to say carl was the last time I cuddled with someone.

How do you feel about affection in general? I have gone in waves with this. I was SUPER affectionate, then assaulted, then not affectionate whatsoever, now I’m learning to be affectionate again.

Are you religious? Would you be friends with someone that was? I am. (though I prefer faith/relationship than the term religion) and yes.

Are you friends with anyone that disagrees with your beliefs? yes

When was the last time you felt trapped? i do not allow that feeling to occur all that often. I felt it a week ago and immediately prioritized decision making to alleviate said feeling. 

When was the last time you felt lost? semi-now but I’ll get there.

Who was the last person to give you a ride somewhere? nathan

Are you ashamed to cry in front of others? I wouldn’t say that necessarily. I just lack the ability. 

What is something you like to do in front of other people? smile

What last caused you to force a smile? most of my smiles rn are forced.

Do you know anyone who seems emotionless? yes!

Do you know anyone who seems overly emotional? YES.

What do you not care about? what others think of me.

What do you care about very deeply? my loved ones.

Why is your favorite season so great in your eyes? cold months. fall and winter just check all my boxes.

What was the last video game you played? Was it fun? Animal crossing. its always relaxing. though its much less fun when I can’t play with kile. I wonder how long it will take for the things I love to do, to feel less cloudy

Are you any good at games like Guitar Hero or Rock Band? I used to be.

Have you played either one of them lately? No, its been years

What is one of your recent favorite songs? uhhhhhh, congratulations by blue october

Did your parents introduce you to any of the music that you like now? i grew up in a household with one parent as a dj. My musical interests were widely influenced by that.

[your-lips-your-lies-your-lust]

06/05/21 | 11:42

Intentions

understand the boundaries in my life alot of the were put there by me

spend more time reading books and focused on things I enjoy and not wasting time on mindless tv

come kore mindful of my feelings, thoughts and reactions

Grateful for

the smell of rain

crystals

breadsticks

May has air about it. It feels like a time of finalising change., of shedding old skin and stepping not a newer more improved self. I feel I have been working a lot on trying to improve myself emotionally. today woke up feeling quite mindful and its bee helpful. my sister is having the next couple days off, which makes my morning routine a bit inconvenienced however, I stayed calm and didn't allow myself to get too irritated or annoyedly her presence. whereas usually I do. I do not feel comfortable or happy when she is on the other side of the door or when she is home generally speaking. however, I have mot allowed it to affect me today. I've com to understand that tossing over it does nothing but upset me and make me feel more stressed and anxious about something that right now I cannot control or fix, also its jot her fault either that things are the way they are, yes she doesn't make the circumstance easier but and I don't agree with this but what can I do. I'm simply better off practicing mindfulness as I have today than allowing myself to get worked up about it. im still getting up at 7:30 tho when I don't want to or need to because I don't want to get stuck waiting for lunch time so I can use the bathroom. today I am proud of my self for how I have handled the situation. its not and never will be an ideal situation ever and I desperately still want to get out of it, but I cannot keep dwelling on it. as I said it makes me feel anxious, sick and upset and I'm done living my life around hers. if I want to clean my room when she's home then I will do that, I don't care anymore, of I want to dry my hair at night, I will because I don't care anymore. she does it to me and doesn't think about how irritating that can be, but she also doesn't seem. care as much as me. perhaps im just more sensitive to sound and energies of other people than she is. either way, im done trying to appease her. I just want to focus on myself as selfish as that may sound I just feel ke I live for others and help others and serve others to the point that I dont stop to do the same for myself. I want to look after me more now. paper myself, make myself look nic and feel good. im sick of not looking after myself anymore. im sick of living for others. I just want to be myself wholly now. ive been distancing myself from my m a little bit because when im with her she only talks about dad and I hate it and it makes me feel sick and sad and anxious and she makes me do all this stuff for her, stuff she is perfectly capable of doing herself, I dont mind helping her when she genuinely needs it bit when she's just being lazy, its a little tiresome. this has been pretty helpful for me, I do feel bad because she likes to have our company and our attention but it is quite draining to give her attention all the time. I would never want her out of my life but I do need space from her, its better for me and gives me more room to work on me and focus on me and my mental health.

today im working on improving posture, ive been sitting up right the whole time I've been. writing this I can't lie my back hurts but in a good kind of way. it feels stretched. I've heard that improving posture is a great way to improve your self in mind, body and spirit and helps improve your vibe and I love them good vibes. I also want improve my self resepctand acceptance. I want to love myself properly, I know self love isn't a destination and its a journey as is everything really but I want to work on it and actually improve it, I want to feel so respectful and appreciative of my body that I start to eat healthy for myself and I start to work out for myself too. I dont want to se it as a chore, I want to see it as a way to worship my body, we all know the saying "treat your body as a temple" or something like that.

im slowly starting to research spiritual books that aren't just a bout witchcraft but about the self and healing and self help type stuff. I truly want o work on myself and become a healthier version of myself, ive truly had enough of the mindset ive adopted since being home. i've been so miserable because of the fact I live here and I understand that this attitude isn't great because of the fact there are so many people out there who would love to have what I have but I cannot compare my issues to those of others our issues are immeasurable. I'm grateful for my room, my bed, the roof over my head, my family supporting me financially while I study but I just hate relying on them as an adult, I feel this pressure to at least help support them too, but how can I support them and save for my self and my future. I don't earn enough money to do that right now. I think I need to stop feeling guilty about it and sop pressuring myself. yes of course I need to work to place of physical independence and the will come but wasting energy on feeling guilty about it and pressuring myself is only not upset which in turn will halt my progress because ill feel guilty and unmotivated to put work and time effort into progressing. I feel good today, I feel positive, I feel hopeful a new and fresher start and beginning is coming for me. may yes has a lot of stressful external factors happening for me but I still have this underlying feeling about may that I great and feels good and right. I called on may first and it still feel it now. bring on may.

[sunriseintropicisle]

An unpopular opinion: Why can’t someone push me harder  (1)

Background to my life: I am 22 years young now, living under the roof with my parent, brother and now a kitty. I am almost graduating from one of the best university in Indonesia, they said and majoring in law. All circumstances in my life happen mostly because of luck, and God’s will. At least, that’s what I thought. 

This piece I am about to write is something that I have been thinking since second/early third year of university. Oh by the way, this post is also inspired by my friend’s blog post “Being Average”. 

I did my whole life pretty great. I am no the top rank in my class, the cute kid who are adored by the elders, the bright brilliant kid who win competitions, neither the confident who lead school’s play. Growing up, I am fat (like, super fat and above average of my peers at that time, haha), I enrolled in ballet class and I was nothing like my friend who were so tiny and gracious, as long as I remember myself in ballet class, I am just the big one who always placed on the back during the show, and even as early as in elementary school, I felt insecurities coming from not being able to answer the exam questions, yet being surrounded by—at that time, the brilliants among the class. I got sick so often even (remember, this is elementary school) because I was to afraid to face math classes that it even crumples my mood and made me sick. In short, elementary school was not as easy as it seems to many other kids. 

PS. I went to public school and the teacher were most likely to like objectified a kid, uh, shame.

Well my parent, I think they sort of know but not really about my condition at that time. I remember one time they try to calmed me when I had bad grades, and they support me financially and enrolled me to additional courses. Something like that. So with their help, I can survive. Plus, there was no more requirements from them for me being the top of the class or anything.

Moving on, I was not interested in going to the top public school there ever was, I am interested in going to private school near my house, that also known to be ‘hard to get into’. With all the average knowledge I had at that time, I got it. I don’t know how but I got it. So yeah, elementary school chapter was over. And I am ready to get to junior high  school. 

-

Same old same old happen in junior high school, I was not brilliant and found major difficulties in some science subjects. And being the angst teenager at that time, I believe now that I act so weird and rebellious around the house. (disclaimer: if I said something about rebellious or naughty or anything, I guarantee it is nothing like you imagine, because overall I am very normal teenager. Looking back, I feel like I was just hard to be around at that age). But again, my parent never really complain, nor to force me to be in top class. Or even when I had to enroll to high school, they don’t choose the school. I chose the school, and they will provide anything else they could. There has never been a pressure from my parent. They follow the flow, and most of the idea or wills came from me. Anyway a little information, towards the end of my junior high school year I, again, got sick a little too often because I was too afraid to face exams I think. Thinking about it now, how the school system and the hierarchy of smart people is above everyone-average brained people is intolerable, and that, creating an unnecessary pressure, I believe I was not the only one. I think I had a rather low self esteem just because the whole academic thing. 

-

Moving on to high school, the road is also rather easy for me. I was not aiming for to get into the best high school in the city, but I settled for the school I went before (it has both junior and high school, tough they are the same school, you still have to take a test to get into it and still, it was not easy). Fortunately, I manage to got in. So, the rest of school year after I got accepted, I was not really trying so hard to get into highest score of national exam, because... I was not planning to go to public school anyway. Nor that my parent pushed me to. I have seen friends who were forced to go to public school so that they can have “a better future” and “easier access to public university”. Me? Again, no pressure from my parent. That was the school I originally intended to go.

- 

First year of high school was still rough because I still met any science subjects (to sum it up from my experiences, I think math, chemistry, biology and all its genes are the source of my comfortableness at school. But really.) At this point the hot topic was whether you go into science or social stream. (in Indonesia when you got 11th grade -- now it is 10th grade tho-- you get to choose what interest you more, so that you can more ‘concentrate’ on what you like. Uhm, yea that just the general idea). Most of parent pushes their kids to get to science stream, some of the reasons are: 1) it filled with more ‘qualified’ student; 2) it holds more pride, if I may say; 3) just because...; 4) kids in social stream tend to be looked at—anything less than those in science  stream. Another popular opinion was, that you can go to any major in university when you took science stream, even when you turned out not taking things like medical, engineer or science, you can always cross the bridge. But once you took social streams, it’s like you burn the bridge and you can’t take any science major in university. 

For me, because at that time I clearly know that I will not take any science-related field in university or even later in life, so I am proudly chose social stream. This time, my Mother sort of request and advice me to went after science stream, one of the reason was mention above, but I refuse. Thanks God she did not insist either. Even tho every was and then she still mentioned I should’ve gotten into science stream. But whatever. Hahaha.

 After years of having myself tortured among science subjects, this time I can be finally free. Well, not completely because I still have math subject in which I continue my struggle. But I gladly says school’s better without any science subjects and I elevated in my academic life... sort of. From 11th grade people has started to discussing where they wanna go to university. Of course they tend to pick the best university in the country, while the naive me, I already had my dear university I want to enroll in. The case’s sort of the same like my high school. It is a good school, but it is not the best school. It’s like while everyone’s shooting for the star, I only aim for the moon. And I am happy with my choice. I consulted this with my parents, and I think they don’t react to anything about this, I mean they did not forbid me and push me to public university, they just okay with that. It’s what they always had been. An okay for every situation. 

One year passed that I did not spend in home, I was away doing exchange year, and coming back, I still wanted to go to that good school. Long story short, they have the free-test enrollment, so I applied and got in. My parent paid the fee, and basically I am good to go for the rest of school year. While everyone around me were whining and stressing about those bests school, what major should they take. But my parent still request me to took the test, because after a year away, they wanted me to live close to home. So yeah I did the test, with choosing three options in which I swear by the first twos and gave a random pick for my third. My parent supported me along the way, they had nothing to lose and so did I at the time. I did everything, again and again with no pressure from anyone. 

Turned out God is good and I got into that third option I picked randomly, Faculty of Law, University of Indonesia. And as I said, it is the best school, not just the good school... And it just about to begin the whole experience. Until then!

Warmest,

M

[amma-af]

mid-life crisis fast approaching lmao.

bruh moesha made 30 seem hella old. im freaking 29, im definitely not old.

do all 30 year olds feel this? is this fucking cliche? is this what being a millenial feels like?

freaking. andell seems like she should be at least 45 shes had a business forever, she looks oldish, hella independent with ehr own moneey, yeah she keeps getting played by her lover but the d is probably great and she doesn’t need “love” bc she’s not dependent on it for basic necessities. but she needs love so she has hope. she’s woke but understanding when someone who doesn’t understand yet. she supports the kids but says it like it is. i can def see some bits of myself in her but bruh, at least 35? bc im 29 and 1 im not as independent, and 2, im def not as old.

but i also kind of get how shes a 30 year old but do 30 year olds get the respect of older people? does andell get respect from older people? idk man tv makes teens look like 20-something and 30 eyar olds look like my mom. dee hangs with andell, she’s def not 30. but then again we hang with older people, no?

are 30 year olds friends-ish with teens and like older folks all at once a millenial thing? i mean i def have older friends bc of work, and hang with my siblings who are a generation older and as a teacher i talk to kids who are teens but i wouldn’t be friends with them? unless you consider my nieces and nephews, and some much younger coworkers.

but if im “superior” to them in some way im basically a mentor and ugh. maybe andell is 30.

that same moesha episode has gotten me thinking about highschool. and what a fucking shitfest it was. i mean, why the hell was i so pressed instead of just being a fucking kid? like, i def ended up where i wanted to and realized it sucked even more (college), esp the way i did it initially, but once i got over the fucking ivory tower and american dream bc i reallized it was never made to include me to a certain extent (the whole identity crisis over foreclosure of identity from the every day--being unwanted by the same thing interpellating its allegiance to you, how all that crap felt of being a --insert almost every pressed identity grouping here-- at a fucking --insert ever agrandized fucking included, repressive identity force here--insitution. high school wasn’t bougie enough i think. like everyone was like closer to the ground class wise so maybe it didnt feel like a big enough ocean yet. a friend told me post highschool or maybe at graduation that im going to be the big fish in the little pond trying to swim in the ocean or some quote like that. fucking i was, if not socially which i honestly didnt even try and fucking got ostracized from anyway, def on top academically and fucking TEACHERS were trying to push me down but like i still got to exactly where i wanted to go. and i fucking had a wonderful time there. got kicked out but became a whole ass human being who found so many homes with people and so many loving arms and caring friends and fucking insane moments and memories and fucking became who i am today--a fucking cool as andell like adult with a full and complete social life if not financial or career life like im ok dude. ive accomplished enough even if capitalist might make me feel like i havent accomplished anything. much like the racist ass teachers made me feel and the racist ass kids made me feel about being smart in a fucking shitfest and where the other brown kids were just in competition with me. i had no friends. i lie, i had a few. and i had the respect of a few. and i guess that makes like maybe a dozen people--hold on let me count, i think 9 people, that im cool with from high school, 3 who are close to me, 1 who fucking hates me post-college life and would try to talk shit or ruin me maybe but i miss her and we were fucking close at some point. and then a bunch of people who probably dont give a shit no longer bc we’re all adults who need to move on with our lives. i hope theyre not petty and hate me just bc of high school.

i wonder if any respect me now lol. aside from those i know, do any of them like feel bad kind of for not being a better person to me? maybe i was a bitch too though. but thats only bc i was lowkey power hungry and just wanted to get into fucking the college of my dreams and had been fed that academic success led to fianncial success and overall joy de vivre  or however oyu fucking spell it.

id still be down to be friends with whoever wants but dont have the time or energy to deal with the pettiness. i think this year was supposed to be our 10 yr reunion and idk if theyll do it bc of covid or not but fucking would i even wanna go? im still so traumatized from it idk if id wanna be judged that hard again.

fucking, i wish i was chiller back then. had realized i could be creative and look good and be more confident if i wanted to. but i guess i wouldnt be who i am had that shit not happened but i also suffer from extreme anxiety adn depression now so like maybe, people could ease up on the judgement and hatred and constant barriers and shit talking and like, lowkey bullying down a notch. these white and white washed brown kids had me fucked up.

i wish i had just like, been able to chill and be accepted a little more. but i wish the people who were chill with me couldve been more  comfortable or confident in being who they were. 

i remember ending freshman year, confident that i would have friends at the end of high school sitting between the coolest and queerest two people i could imagine showing off my hot pink ipod 3G or whatever. and then hanging out in the city with a few people on the last day. i dont even remember what we did. maybe olive garden in times square? it was def times square. the big toys r us in the city with the dance dance revolution. who the fuck were the people with us? was that even freshman year or is that a memory from some other time? i dotn fucking remember much of the good times in high school anymore. more shitty times.

but fucking, if people had been loyal would i have been a diff person? def s j and j and then later n but w during the first year and d all hugn out with me in college. and made freshman year bareable and some sitll continue to make life bareable and for me to feel loved in this day adn age adn i know the freindshipsare genuine now but i wonder if id have more people from high school as my friends just bc i fucking get attached to people bc of the whole empathy thing and like we knew eachother for good chunks of our lives, we should keep up with eachother and make sure we’re ok. but also like, did we even show care back then?

i wish id lived the teen life a little more though. like my husband did. like so many of my more normal than me feeling friends did but i wonder how many of my college friends actually liked their high school years lmao.

fucking. whatever. i probably wouldnt go to the reunion if it happened tho, fucking miss me with that shit.

andell is cool. she didnt get mad at moesha for missing her party since hs ehad a great time on her birthday thanks to her, and instead was proud that she put out a good newspaper. im def like, maybe if aliha missed my party id be happy and proud of her for her acocmplioshed but id still be pouty adn idk if that makes me much younger tahn andell or if thats just the whiny cancer gemini in me.

omg we need andells chart to udnerstand if she’s actually 30 lmao and just mature for her own age or if that show is trippig about depicting her as 30 bc shes def oldr. wonder how old the actress was.

thats an easy google fix but im just gonna keep watching and pondering lmao.

man there were some teachers at that fucking school who did not wanna see me succeed in life. and to have your advisor be that teacher really fucks with you. what a fucking bitch i think she hated me. the other people im friends with loved her tho but i think she was really just a racist. she pushed me hard but made things harder for me for no reason. thank god i got out of there in one piece, and with some confidence left in me. 

i need to go to therapy again fuck.