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pinknightsinmymind · 10 months

Text

【 found family hc's 】

abby anderson x fem!reader & ellie williams x fem!reader

wc: 4.4k

song rec: house song by searows. i listened to this on loop the entire time i was writing.

content: established relationship, modern!au, fluff galore, hc's for both abs and els, christmas with abs!!!!, bbq with ellie and family, minor angst, but this is all fluff so sweet it rots your teeth, hc's AND long blurbs for abby and ellie, mentions of parent loss(in this modern!au abby's mother passed away), mentions of adoption(for ellie's hc's), and sarah is here!! she is ellie's older sister <33 also pls read a/n for more info

a/n: in which you are dating one of the girlies, meet their fathers, and detailing your journey into becoming part of the family. i kinda wrote this with the idea of what it’s like to not come from a healthy family in mind, but it’s also vague and written in a way where you’re able to interpret it and shape it to fit whatever you have in mind and relate it to what you know. the main theme here, though, is finding/making your own family and building a beautiful life despite your past. this is kinda just me hoping i’ll be able to do the same one day. i began writing this while really sad, but i’m posting this in much better spirits. this started with my sadness, but now it makes me feel hopeful. anyways, pls enjoy, and if you think you’ll need them, get your tissues ready. i love you all and you are all so beautiful and worthy of love and good things. and if any of you ever need anything, my inbox and dm's are open <333

GENERAL HEADCANONS — applies to both abby and ellie

It’s an uncomfortable conversation, but when your relationship with her started getting serious, you explained what your family/home life was like and that although you’d love to, your family probably wouldn’t want to foster a close relationship with either of you. You told her you understood if this was a dealbreaker and if it was something she couldn’t tolerate, but that wasn’t her reaction at all. Instead, you were met with complete understanding that almost left you sobbing. You were happy to have someone finally understand that family—and navigating it—hasn’t been easy for you and it was good to not have things out of your control held against you for once.

As your relationship progressed, she made it clear to you that she’d love to introduce you to her family and that they were excited to meet you. She promised that they’d accept you into open arms and that everything would go well, so there was nothing to worry about.

You were nervous, of course, unsure how any of it would unfold because you had never met her family before. You had heard so much about them and knew they must have been amazing people to have raised someone as great as your girlfriend, but you were still scared. What if they could see everything wrong with you with just one look? What if they thought you were too damaged and no good for their daughter? Or what if they just didn’t like you? It was all so worrisome, but your girlfriend assured you it would all be okay.

Meeting the rest of the family was one thing, but meeting their fathers was the scariest part.

ABBY ANDERSON

You met Abby's dad during Thanksgiving—typical and sappy, but just so Abby. Of course she’d bring someone home during the holidays. You had been dating her for almost a year now, so it was about time you met him. You knew that Abby's mother passed when she was very young, and you also knew it would just be the three of you together for the holiday. Jerry did everything to make any occasion happy for his daughter since he knew her life would be hard enough without a mother, and that included holidays. As a busy surgeon—the top one of your city’s hospital, no less—he’s lucky to get this day off, and although he can’t make a whole turkey on his own, he cooks many other dishes to make up for it. He goes all out making desserts as he likes baking more than cooking, and he’s the main reason Abby has such a sweet tooth.

Jerry is nothing but welcoming to you, telling you how he’s heard so much about you (which in turn makes Abby blush, thinking to herself, He wasn’t supposed to say that! but she still keeps her cool). He asks you all about yourself, if you’re in school and what for, what your plans for the future are, then jumps straight into his dad-threats. He tells you in a serious voice that you better take care of his daughter, then lets out a laugh and offers you a slice of pie.

It went well, and you even stayed the night at Abby's childhood home, sleeping in her big and well-furnished room.

“What do you think?” she asked.

“I think it went well,” you said. The two of you were huddled up underneath the covers in her old bed, and it’s comfier than you expected. Maybe it’s because Abby has you pulled close to her chest as her hand rubs comforting circles on your back, but it’s still heavenly. “I just can’t tell if he likes me or not.”

“Please, he likes you,” she assured you. You could feel her trailing her hand down your sides gently now. “Otherwise he wouldn’t have been in such a good mood today. Promise.” You let out a small sigh at her words. You didn’t want to argue with her about this, and you felt the only thing you could possibly do was hope she was right.

You did see Jerry a few times after that, but it was only when Abby invited you to go see him with her. He was always kind and welcoming, but you couldn’t shake the gnawing feeling in your chest that maybe he didn’t actually like you. What if he was faking all of it? You couldn’t think of any good reasons why he’d like you and accept you with open arms. It didn’t make sense to you because all you knew to expect from a parental figure was rejection. Maybe he just didn’t think you were good enough for his daughter. You didn’t tell Abby any of this, though, because you knew she’d be crushed to hear you don’t think her dad likes you. It’s also because she’ll just tell you for the millionth time he does, and you’d hate asking her for the same reassurance over and over again. In the case of her father’s acceptance, it would do nothing to quell your fears.

You hadn’t expected the holiday season to help erase these fears, but they did. After a late night of watching movies, Abby brought up visiting her father for Christmas with you by her side. She was excited as she told you all about her and her dad’s traditions: drinking hot coco, watching cheesy Christmas movies, stockings full of gifts, and the works. You couldn’t tell her no. Not when her face was beaming with excitement and she had a big smile across her face. You appreciated how much she wanted to include you—no, scratch that, cherished it—but deep down inside you felt out of place. You felt like an environment as soft and as warm as that was not a place where you belonged. It’s not what you knew, not what you were used to, but you put on a brave face for Abby.

You didn’t believe her when she told you how extensively Jerry decorated the house, but it was exactly as she said. As soon as you walked through the front door, you could smell the vanilla candles and the scent of pine mixed together. You were greeted not only by Jerry, but by the presence of mini-Santa statues and multi-colored nutcrackers. There was a big wreath on the outside of the front door, and an even bigger one hung around the family portrait of Abby and her father. The Christmas tree was huge, probably close to six feet tall, and by the smell of the fresh pine emanating from it, you knew it was real. The tree was decorated with gold and silver ornaments, bright lights, tinsel, and a giant star at the top. The fireplace had stockings lined up against the chimney with other statues, trinkets, and family photos lining the shelf. The tree casted a warm glow over the living room, and it just felt so cozy inside. It’s crazy to think that this is what Abby grew up with, that this is the kind of childhood she had, but at the same time you’re happy it was. It’s what she deserves.

It may be Christmas day, but it’s already 9 P.M., so Jerry suggests hot coco, sweets, and a cheesy movie. Abby, of course, agrees and picks out her favorite movie for you all to watch. You helped her pick it out, specifically choosing it because you’ve never seen it before and because you know she loves it. You all get a slice of Jerry’s homemade apple pie, and it’s so warm and gooey you’re sure you’ve never tasted anything like it before. You wonder where in the mix of being a surgeon he found the time to be so good at baking, but it’s still so endearing. You wonder how many times he practiced these recipes for Abby, and it’s so heartwarming. You hope you can one day offer her a home the same way Jerry has.

Jerry settles into his worn-out, leather recliner with his cup of hot chocolate while you and Abby occupy the couch. There’s a glass coffee table in front of it where your two mugs rest as the two of you are snug in a blanket you’re sharing together. You’re nestled into Abby’s side with her arm over your shoulder as you watch the movie together. It’s comfortable, and the warm, yellow lights make the moment that much more beautiful. They cast a glow on Abby, making her look sweeter than she already does. Her hair is down for once, and you’re lost in the tenderness of the moment. Occasionally the two of you move forward and grab your mugs for a sip, but besides that this wholeness has no interruptions. It’s like you can feel your doubts melting away, and you feel comforted, welcomed, by the warmth of this moment. It doesn’t seem to push you away anymore, but rather it’s something you feel compelled to be a part of now. Well, no, that’s not exactly right either. It’s like you are a part of it now, and it’s accepting your embrace rather than your rejection. You don’t feel the need to push it away anymore, to create excuse after excuse as to why you don’t deserve it, and it’s like you’re finally letting it make its home in your heart.

After the movie finished and you all had your fill of hot chocolate, you hear Jerry get up from his seat and mention that he wants to give out stockings. You don’t think much of it, watching the man as he walks up to the fireplace and grabs two of the stockings that were hanging. You hadn’t paid much attention to them earlier, but when he comes up to you and Abby, you realize you should’ve. One has Abby’s name stitched into it with blue and orange thread, and the other has your name threaded into it with your favorite colors. He gives Abby her stocking first, then holds the one with your name on it out towards you.

“Is that for me?” you asked.

“Sure is,” Abby answered. You glance over at her and she’s practically beaming. She seems so proud of herself.

“Abby helped me make it. She made sure it had your favorite colors and everything,” Jerry explained. You finally take the stocking from his hands, feeling the heft of the weight of whatever was inside.

“I bet she got mad if you suggested a color that wasn’t.” You crack a joke in the face of this moment, because if you think too hard, look at the stocking too long, you might start crying.

“Nearly tore my head off,” Jerry laughed. “But it’s so you know you’re part of the family now.” You nod your head, clenching your jaw as your gaze keeps shifting between the stocking and the floor.

“Thank you,” was all you could manage to say in reply. You’re sure you could burst into tears at any moment, but at the very least they’re happy ones.

ELLIE WILLIAMS

You were never as scared of anything as you were to meet Joel Miller. You had seen him in photos with him and Ellie, and he did not look like he played around. In fact, he looked like he’s never fucked around a day in his life. The man intimidated you, and you had never even met him before.

Ellie’s Uncle Tommy’s birthday was coming up, and you were invited to the family celebration that would include Uncle Tommy, Aunt Maria, Joel, Ellie’s older sister, Sarah, and now you.

You had met Joel in passing with a quick “hello” whenever you visited his and Ellie's house, but you had never formally met him, especially not the rest of the family, either. You had also never met Sarah as she lived in a different city and was older than you and Ellie, but you were excited to. She was a young teen when Ellie had been adopted, and you had heard so many stories from Ellie about what an amazing older sister she was, so that was at least one family member you weren’t scared of. Uncle Tommy and Aunt Maria, though? Maria was intimidating, and Tommy and Joel had both been in the military. Who wouldn’t be afraid?

“Everything’s gonna be okay,” Ellie reassured you. You were both standing in front of Tommy and Maria’s front door, nervous as could be. Ellie held your hand in hers as she rubbed her thumb across your skin. “They’ll love you, promise.” Ellie reached up with her free hand and knocked on the door. A second passed in silence between the two of you before the door opened, and you were met face-to-face with Maria. She had short graying hair and a freckled face that reminded you of Ellie’s, and as soon as her eyes landed on the two of you, her lips turned upwards into a wide smile.

“Ellie, is this [Y/N]?” she asked. Ellie smiled shyly as she nodded her head.

“Yes, this is her,” she answered.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you,” Maria said politely. She was just all smiles, and she was much warmer compared to the scary image of her you created in your head. To be fair, she did seem really intimidating from her pictures, but she was nothing of the sort.

“Nice to meet you, too,” you managed to reply. You were still nervous, feeling like you were choking on the anxious butterflies dancing around your stomach.

“And she’s polite,” Maria prodded. She smiled even bigger as she pulled the door open for the two of you. “Anyways, come in. Joel and Tommy are in the back with the grill set up already, so just follow me.” Ellie walked through the doorway, pulling you with her towards the back of the house. Maria led you through the house’s front hallway into the living den furnished with couches and countless photos and decor hanging on the blue walls, then turned left into the kitchen. Sitting at the table was an older woman at least in her 30’s scrolling through her phone, but her eyes perked up as soon as she saw you all enter the kitchen. Almost immediately an excited smile spread across her face.

“Sarah!” Ellie greeted. The woman jumped up from her seat and gave Ellie a tight hug.

“Ellie, is this her?” she asked. Her eyes kept moving back and forth between the two of you.

“Yes, this is her,” Ellie answered.

“Wow, I’m so happy to meet you!” Sarah cheered. She came over to you and gave you a hug, something you hadn’t expected, but you returned it the best you could. As soon as Sarah pulled away from the hug, she was talking again. The way she carried herself was so confident and firm, and she held great amounts of eye contact while speaking—something you were struggling with at the moment. “Ellie has told me so much! She never stops talking about you!” She had a sweet, Texan accent when she spoke like Joel, while Ellie only had a slight one in comparison.

“Sarah!” Ellie groaned.

“What?” she asked coyly. “Was I not supposed to say that?” The answer was yes, and she knew that, but how could she resist teasing her little sister? Ellie just rolled her eyes.

“Come on, y’all, they’re waiting for us outside,” Maria announced. She nodded her head in the direction of the door behind the kitchen table, and you found yourself taking a deep breath. The door was glass, so you could see the wooden porch outside and the green grass, but no sign of Joel or Tommy—you know, just the two men who terrified you the most.

“Oh, yeah, I was gonna help Dad with the grill,” Sarah sighed.

“You? Helping with the grill?” Ellie teased.

“Hmm, more like standing there and talking to him,” she said.

“That sounds more like what you meant,” Ellie responded.

“Yeah, see y’all out there.” Sarah got up from her seat and was the first to open the back door, the hot air and smell of grilled meat wafting in as soon as she did. Maria followed her soon after, and you knew you and Ellie should follow suit, but you found yourself stuck, unsure what to do.

“Hey, you okay?” Ellie asked. The sound of the door closing shut hung in the air, and you knew you’d have to open it again soon.

“Yeah, just… nervous,” you explained.

“Everything will be alright, promise. I’m gonna be here the whole time, and we’re gonna be eating, too. That won’t be too bad, now, will it?” she asked.

“No, I guess not,” you replied.

“And you’ve got me right next to you. Don’t forget that.” Ellie gave you a sheepish smile, and you did your best to return it despite the queasiness in your stomach.

The barbeque went well, and it wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be. In fact, you felt well-received by Tommy as Maria and Sarah helped encourage him to hold conversation with you. The two women did a lot to help conversation flow and welcome you as much as possible, but the one person you felt like you weren’t getting through to was Joel. He was just so… quiet. It’s as if he was always on guard, always analyzing the situation, but what did you expect from a guy who used to be in the military? That seems to be the exact kind of disposition he’d have. He only really gave small replies in single words here and there, maybe an autobiographical question for you, then he’d retreat back to his silence. It was honestly unnerving, and as much as you did your best to immerse yourself in the conversation, in Ellie’s little jokes, Tommy’s laughter, Joel intimidated you more than anyone else ever had before. Why was he so quiet? Did he see something wrong with you? Did he not think you were fit to be his daughter’s girlfriend? Was he waiting for you to make a mistake? Was he planning how to tell Ellie that he didn’t think the two of you were a good match? All the possibilities were endless, and every single one terrified you to no end.

Despite the anxiety eating you up from the inside, you did your best to maintain your composure. You answered whatever questions Ellie’s family had for you, laughed at the jokes like you should have, all while trying to keep the crushing fear at bay. Ellie seemed to sense it somewhat, because at multiple points throughout the dinner she’d grab your hand under the table or rub your thigh comfortingly. When the night started slowing down, the sun sinking lower and lower, Tommy and Maria declared the end of the dinner and started clearing the table. Joel and Sarah disappeared into the house, carrying trash and whatever else they could back inside. Ellie leaned in close to your ear in order to speak.

“How are you feeling?” she whispered.

“I’m doing okay,” you answered. “Not as nervous as before, but still a little.”

“Did you enjoy yourself, though?”

“I did,” you replied.

“Joel and Tommy are good at barbecuing, huh?”

You laughed a little at her prodding. “Yeah, they are.”

“Look, we’re gonna get you some extra family points, yeah? Let’s offer to help Maria clean up. How does that sound?”

“Sounds good to me,” you said. This time you were the one to offer Ellie a little smile, one she was happy to see on your face after such a long day.

“Perfect.” She stood up from her chair and brushed off her jeans. “Hey, Maria, let me and [Y/N] help you clean up a bit,” she announced.

“Well, aren’t you sweet?” Maria asked.

“The sweetest,” Ellie joked. You were next to stand up from the table, picking up both your plate and Ellie’s while she gathered the left behind cups. Tommy had already retreated inside with the large dishes of food, leaving you with just Maria and Ellie. It was quiet besides the clanking of the dishes as all three of you walked inside. Ellie walked behind you as you reentered the house, slotting dishes in the sink and discarding whatever trash she had. Ellie came up behind you, her back pressing into yours for a second when Maria disappeared into the living room where everyone else presumably was.

“How far do we wanna take these points?” she whispered.

“Well, what are you thinking?” you asked her.

“I say we wash the dishes,” she suggested, and you could just imagine the stupid, little grin on her face. “It’ll make them like me more, too.”

“You’re such a dork,” you said as the laugh spilled out your lips. You turned around to look at her, and there was a goofy grin on her face just like you expected. Her hands ventured to rest on your waist, placing a kiss on your forehead.

“Whatever. Come on, let’s just do it.”

“Okay, you hate doing the dishes, so I’m starting to wonder what this is really about.”

“I… may or may not have promised Maria I’d do the dishes, and she’ll kill me if I don’t.”

“This is why you watch the promises you make,” you said.

“Moving along,” she said in a rushed manner, “are you gonna help me or not?”

“Yeah, because I need you alive.”

You and Ellie slotted yourselves side by side as you were forced to wash the dishes on account of your girlfriend’s promises. She was stuck washing while you dried the dishes. At one point Joel had wandered through the kitchen, muttering a small greeting to you both before disappearing outside. He left the back door open somewhat, but you said nothing, figuring he would be coming back inside soon. Despite the small interruption, Ellie, of course, couldn’t help being a little shit and splashing you with water every once in a while.

“You got my shirt wet!” you’d scold her.

“I’m sorry, baby,” she’d say all fakely. She pulled you into a hug, but once you separated, she splashed you with water again. After washing the dishes and Ellie cleaned the kitchen up a bit, you could tell she was tired and ready to go home.

“You look tired,” you commented to her.

“Yeah, I’m… all tuckered out. You ready to go home?”

“If you are, yeah.”

“Okay, let me find my… Where are my keys?” she asked. She patted at her pockets, looking for any sign of them, only to come back empty. “I think I left them outside.”

“I can go get them for you,” you offered.

“Oh, good idea. You get my keys and I say bye to everyone for us. Perfect.”

“Alright, I’ll go find them for you. Be right back.” You gave Ellie a quick kiss on the cheek before wandering outside through the back door. As soon as you stepped outside, your eyes landed on Joel sitting on one of the chairs with a mug in his hand. You had forgotten he was even out here in the first place, and you hadn’t expected or planned for this interaction with him. You took a deep, calming breath. You needed to act normal.

“Hello, Joel,” you spoke up. He turned to look at you, then returned his gaze to his mug. It was dark outside, and the porch light may have been on, but it was a dim, yellow light. Not at all helpful as your eyes scoured the ground for Ellie’s keys.

“Hello.” It was quiet as you wandered to the table, looking across the top of it for Ellie’s keys. Still no sign of them. You pulled the chairs out, and you didn’t find them on the seats either. You sighed as you pulled out your phone and turned on your flashlight. “What are you lookin’ for?” Joel asked.

“Um, Ellie’s keys. She can’t find them.” You squatted down to the floor, shining the light around the wooden porch as you continued your search.

“Oh, you two gettin’ ready to leave?” he asked. You turned your phone to the right, and something silver glinted back at you. The keys. Thank God. You grabbed onto them and got back up from the ground.

“Yeah, she said she was tired and ready to go home.”

Joel let out a small chuckle. “That sounds like her,” he remarked.

“It very much is her,” you replied.

“I heard her splashin’ you with water in there.”

“She can’t help herself,” you said. “She apologized, then she did it again.”

“Does that… make you mad?” he asked.

“No, not at all.” You were wondering what he was getting at with the question.

“You and her seem to get along well,” he pointed out.

“I think so, too,” you said, hoping you were choosing your words well.

“I can tell she really loves you, you know,” Joel said. He took a sip out of his drink, then glanced at you. “And you seem really good for her, too.” The words hit you right in the heart. You knew from what Ellie told you that Joel wasn’t a man of many words, but these were just enough. They seemed to give you the kind of confirmation you were looking for, that maybe you could put down the anxiety plaguing your mind.

“I’m glad you think so,” you said. You glanced at the mug in his hands again. Was that steam? “Can I ask what you’re drinking?”

“It’s coffee.”

“This late?” you asked.

“The girls always tell me that,” he said, and you saw the smallest glimpse of a smile ghosting his lips. You figured by “the girls,” he must have been referring to Sarah and Ellie, and that small detail stuck out to you. Despite how scary he was, deep down inside he was just a dad. A girl-dad, at that.

“Ellie always tells me how much she hates coffee.”

“She never lets that go. I tell her she has underdeveloped tastebuds to make her mad.”

“That’s perfect for getting under her skin,” you replied.

“That’s why I say it. Anyways, she’s probably lookin’ for you by now, or me, maybe.”

“Probably,” you responded. “After I find her, she’ll probably come tell you bye before we leave. I’m gonna do that now.”

“You go do that,” he said. “And you better take good care of her, by the way.” You smiled a little bit. Had you heard him say that earlier, you probably would have shit your pants, but now you were comforted by the dad-threat.

“I will,” you said confidently.

“Or I will… do something. I don’t know, I’ll figure it out.”

“I take your word for it,” you replied. You turned around to walk back inside, keys in hand, a new kind of pep in your step as you looked for Ellie.

#abby anderson #abby anderson headcanons #abby anderson x reader #abby anderson x you #abby anderson x y/n #abby anderson fluff #abby anderson x reader fluff #ellie williams #ellie williams headcanons #ellie williams x reader #ellie williams x you #ellie williams x y/n #ellie williams fluff #ellie williams x reader fluff #tlou x reader

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manicpixiefelix · 2 months

Note

Me projecting but neurodivergent!L/N Siblings who need to decompress after every party or dinner their parents host at the family home. Retreating to the refuge of their bedrooms where they shrug off the uncomfortable clothes, scrub at their faces and hair, flop down on the bed or floor. Listen to music while gazing up at the ceiling, tapped out after forced smiles and pleasantries.

oh my GOD this ended up being 1.8k of pure oliver/felix/reader fluff ft. oliver & reader knowing each other so well they can communicate silently, reader becoming nonverbal after events, and the l/n siblings inviting felix to chill and relax with them in these moments after events because they know he understands and feels a similar kind of pressure to what they go through. also yeah big same on the projecting neurodivergent!L/N Siblings, esp. the reader, because Me Too. this got out of hand lol maybe i should have just published it as a full fic, but i love this au v much. i know including Fi probably wasn't what you expected but........ i had to sorry lol.

but also since this is technically an ask im gonna include a song for the vibe, which is Talk Me Down by Troye Sivan because Blue Neighbourhood will always make me emotional.

The first time Felix ever sees the two of you truly unmask is after one of the smaller gatherings his parents held early that first Summer. He's not quite sure when the shift occurred, but he very quickly became aware of it. Oliver by your side, and usually at least comfortable offering quiet additions to conversations for himself, started to simply murmur his thoughts to you, before finally becoming nonverbal. Somehow you were still able to interpret from the things he didn't say, but you were clearly growing weary too. Oliver gives thin lipped smiles, but at least he's given the grace to appear haughty by your shoulder; your smile never drops, but it doesn't reach your eyes.

For a brief moment that the pair of you have to yourselves, Felix watches a whole conversation pass between you and Oliver from merely a look that you share. You link your pinky with Oliver's, and he perches his chin on your shoulder; a brief moment of relaxation and serenity as you both let your eyes close, tension relaxing for a beat at you press your forehead to his. Felix has the strangest sensation, like he can hear the way you two share an I love you without either saying a single word.

You say good night to all the gathered guests, and Felix family, on behalf of yourself and your brother not too long after Felix witnesses the exchange. You get handshakes and kisses on the cheek, and Oliver makes sure, even if he remains quiet, to give winning smiles and kiss the older, sophisticated ladies on the hand like a true gentleman. Felix tries to ask if you're both alright when you get to him, last of all, and though you both smile, it's not quite believable. At least to him. But he lets you leave.

He makes his own exit soon after. Oliver's room is the closest to his, so it makes the most sense to go there first. At least he'd have some sort of excuse. He goes through his own room first, suit jacket haphazardly tossed on the bed and tie along with it, already unbuttoning several of his buttons to make himself more comfortable. Crossing the bathroom he strides confidently to Oliver's door and knocks.

No answer.

"Ollie, it's me," he says gently, "are you okay, you just seemed a bit -" the door opens very slightly and it's you peering back at him. You're not smiling. You're not... anything. You blink at him. Felix takes a moment to reassess the situation, then you open the door wider and you step back into the room, no longer watching him. Felix feels like he's intruding the minute he realises both you and Oliver have stripped down to your underwear; he's stumbling through apologies, suddenly bashful under Oliver's watchful gaze where he's splayed out on the bed, a tired kind of curiosity in his eyes. But neither of you seem particularly bashful yourselves, nor are you running to cover yourselves.

Felix watches you stretch yourself out on the bed beside your brother, looking up at the ceiling as you blindly reach for a single earphone you know will be waiting where you'd obviously left it on the pillow. He settles himself, tries to remind himself that you'd both let him in on this moment. You close your eyes.

"Is everything okay?" This time the concern is genuine. In this moment, Felix is surprised when Oliver appears to take the lead for you both. For just a moment, he reaches across himself to gently pet your hair.

"What is to give light must endure burning," he says faintly, before turning to Felix with that same, faint but tired smile, "thought you'd know what it's like to be the sun, Felix." And, yes, of course Felix knows what he means... except in situations where comparisons are drawn with the two of you.

Before he can ponder too much, however, you shift on the bed, almost imperceptibly, but Oliver purses his lips.

"I'm not pretentious," he says out loud, and Felix realises it's more for his benefit than yours; he often marvels at the strange, silent way the two of you can so clearly communicate. It happens again; you barely crack your eye open, levelling an indecipherable look at your brother as your lips quirk into the faintest smile. In response, Oliver rolls his eyes and tells you to shut up, though his tone is fond.

Then, after another moment, your gaze lands on Felix. Suddenly he feels it all, the exhaustion, the ache of keeping up appearances, the restrictiveness of the formalwear he's been coaxed into. Everything's too much, and the two of you, window open with a faint breeze, wearing next to nothing and allowing yourselves to just be after the pressure of performing, it sounds fucking heavenly.

"How are you going, Felix?" Oliver asks, following your gaze, almost like he can read Felix's mind. Maybe he can. Maybe that's how the two of you can operate so seamlessly, so unspokenly between each other. Both of you are looking at him now. He feels incredibly overdressed. He laughs awkwardly, but suddenly can't seem to look at either of you. The words get stuck in throat for a moment.

'Thought you'd know what it's like to be the sun, Felix' is what Oliver had said; not feel like the sun. To be the sun. Because you both know how the rest of Felix's life orbits around him, except for the two of you. You've so warped his reality, his own orbit, he's had no choice; Oliver is the moon to your sun, but what does that make him?

Binary stars; Felix is still the sun in his own life, but he could never match your gravity once he's come across you, nor could he escape it.

"Kind of like I'm burning, I guess."

As soon as he says it, he knows it was the right answer. Both you and Oliver shuffle away from each other, making distinct room between you on the bed, an unspoken invitation.

This is one of the big turning points in the relationship, Felix realises as he's undressing, trying to keep his heartbeat under control. He can't believe he's here, that this is really happening; this is nowhere near what he'd expected when he went knocking on Ollie's door.

"What are you listening to?" He asks awkwardly as he makes his way onto the bed from over the foot of it. You, eyes once more closed, pulled the earphones from the iPod by your side. Once you pressed play once more, Felix hears Amy Winehouse croon from the little speakers. He flops on his back between you both and stares up at the ceiling. It's strange, he almost feels like he's waiting for something to happen, though it does feel much freer with the breeze and only in his boxers.

After a beat, you let out a low, contented hum, shuffling closer to Felix, enough that you were able to press your cheek to his shoulder.

"Yeah," Oliver agrees quietly to whatever he'd gleaned from your movement and noises, "'s a lot to be out there in the world sometimes," to which Felix makes a faint noise of agreement. He feels your fingers wrap carefully around his arm, and your face turns to press firmer against his shoulder. Your lips are against his skin when you hum again, and he feels like his whole body lights up with the contact. Oliver, who's head is on the pillow beside Felix, turns to look at him; he's not smiling, but there's fondness in his gaze, unfiltered, so unused to how he usually looks at Felix, "you're always welcome here if you need time like this. We won't tell if you won't."

You nod against Felix's shoulder, Felix feels like he's about to pass out with how hard his heart is beating.

Because he knows you both, has seen you operate together in the world for the better part of a year in person, and years before in the tabloids before that. This exhaustion, this clear detox from an uncomfortable foray into society, is not something the rest of the world is ever allowed to see.

And you're inviting him into it.

Felix falls asleep there, between the two of you, on top of the duvet. It's the best sleep he's had in a very long time.

The next time it happens, he's surprised that you're both already so willing to include him in the routine. Saying goodbye to everyone else at the event, you simply give him a tired smile, and Oliver actually speaks to him directly, rather than through you the way he had been for the past hour, to pointedly wish him good night.

Five minutes later, Felix lets himself into Oliver's room, and finds the two of you, already down to your underwear, sitting cross-legged on the bed as you are gently removing Oliver's concealer and eyeliner with a makeup wipe. You've forgone earphones entirely and there's the tinny sound of some pop-punk band this time. You smile at Felix broadly, giving a little wave.

"I quite like this," Oliver says to you, though loud enough for Felix to hear. You nod in agreement. He has the distinct impression that you're both talking about him joining these moments of yours.

Sometimes things change, like your or Oliver will be sitting up with a cigarette or a book, and have the other's head in your lap, or one of you will be on the floor by the bed, and Felix learns not to worry, that you needed to simply not be touched in that moment. Sometimes that lasts all night, and Felix worries about either of you sleeping on the floor, but you both assure him it's normal.

Felix learns that Oliver likes playing with Felix's hair just as much as he liked getting his hair played with. He learns to identify whose taste in music is whose each time judging by the album chosen. He also learns how clingy you get, and how responsive you are to soothing touches; those are his favourite nights, with Oliver comfortable and content by his side, looking up at the ceiling and enjoying the music, while you're pressed up against Felix's side, head on his chest to listen to the heartbeat he keeps much steadier than he'd been able to that first night. His arm is around you and you have your own slung over him, legs tangled up with his, all but melting into him as he runs his fingers up and down your spine in a soothing, repetitive rhythm. You're practically purring.

These nights are quiet, he doesn't remember the last time any of the three of you spoke after Oliver's quiet aside on that second night. He gets used to the serenity, the lack of expectations, and comes to understand and appreciate just how badly you both need these moments. He doesn't think he needs them in quite the same way, but his head starts to spin when he realises that you both have started needing him there in these moments.

#felix catton x reader x oliver quick #felix catton x reader #saltburn x reader #saltburn imagine #felix catton imagine #oliver quick x reader #oliver quick imagine #head heart hand fic #oliver ln au #it shouts back

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orbmanson7 · 8 months

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Will Logan Ever Be Happy?

An Extensive Analysis of Logan Sanders' Spotify Playlist and Predictions for the Future of His Character Arc

Logan's Playlist on Spotify

Logan's Playlist on YouTube Music

A few quick notes before we delve in…

This is an extensive analysis in the sense that it's currently around 16,930 words long. Please feel free to read it at your own leisure.

The description of Logan's Playlist on Spotify explicitly states to listen to these songs in order of their listing. This indicates a progression of sorts – of feelings, events, and the plot of the story being told here. It is important that we listen in order, and it seems like Logan would prefer us to listen this way to best understand what it is he is trying to convey.

The repeated themes found throughout many of these songs include: isolation, depression, regret, nostalgia, perfectionism, miscommunication, being the odd one out of a group, recognition of flaws, loss of control, being disliked, a love and familiarity for learning, and finding solutions to problems.

It should also be noted that a handful of these songs are told in second-person perspective, using “you” to indicate a main subject, as though the story is being told by the speaker about someone else’s actions to that someone else, rather than explaining anything outright about themself or how they feel about it. By doing this, the speaker is instead choosing to focus on others and only allowing the listener to sense and interpret how the speaker was affected by what the other party in the song had said or done. This by itself can easily indicate Logan’s insistence to let others take that stage, even when it’s his turn to tell his story, or to show off the faults of others in lieu of focusing on his own failings.

It may be important to remember that as we continue.

The Elements by Tom Lehrer is a simple starter song, as we know. Logan began as a friendly teacher character, someone to help guide Thomas through learning and encouraging curiosity and wonder within him. He helped Thomas to find solutions to problems with the most useful answers, and implored him to keep trying, keep researching, until he truly understood a topic. This was something good, something commendable.

In particular, this song involves a listing of the complete periodic table of elements, something that Logan, as Thomas’ Logic, likely would have to have known very well, considering the focus of Thomas’ major in college. This would have been information Logan used frequently in Thomas’ studies and schoolwork prior to the events of the series, which helps to signify this early interpretation of Logan’s character.

This is the early beginnings. It’s a solid starting point, telling us what we need to know about Thomas’ perception of who he believes Logan is meant to be.

Immediately after, we have White and Nerdy by Weird Al Yankovic, which, similar to the first song, is meant to give us a sense of Logan’s character. Thomas sees him as a helpful teacher, but he also sees him as a very nerdy, reserved, uptight, and pretentious kind of person who likes learning trivia and reading mystery novels and watching sci-fi shows and doing puzzles and making wordplay jokes. This fleshes Logan out more as a character, not just showing us who Thomas sees but giving us more perspective on what to expect from him.

[lyrics:

I wanna roll with the gangsters

But so far, they all think I’m too white and nerdy]

Early on in the series, the sides only appeared momentarily to help offer suggestions and advice to Thomas relevant to what he needed. There seemed to be less cohesion with the group, mainly due to a lack of narrative at the time, but the sides still appeared to work together so long as each stayed in their respective areas of expertise. Despite that, lyrics in this song seem to imply Logan had already seen himself as an outlier to the rest of Thomas’ sides. He recognized that this came at fault of the interpretation of his character, the personality he displayed, his mannerisms, even his interests.

From the very start, Logan was being viewed as something different and distinct in comparison to the other sides.

These first two songs are meant to be reminiscent of not only our first impressions of Logan’s character, but also of Thomas’ overall impression of him early on in the series.

Within the first few episodes, this is how Logan was interpreted and seen, as a nerdy but supportive teacher-like character. Based on Thomas’ vine character of the same attire, Logan was originally meant to be respected but relatable, someone who could understand the kids he was teaching, but was also full of incredibly useful knowledge and knew exactly how to convey that information in a way that would encourage and enlighten those around him.

As one of Thomas’ sides, however, he was minimized to only being Thomas’ Logic, someone who still had an incredible wealth of knowledge and used it to teach and guide Thomas specifically, but he was also someone who was meant to be more stereotypically “nerdy” by Thomas’ standards. He was still able to act as an instructor to Thomas and to the audience watching, but his status of authority was diminished, because now he was no longer a teacher, he was merely another part of Thomas.

This is where Algorhthym by Childish Gambino comes into play. This song indicates a recognition of the world and how it functions, but also a fear to do anything about it, to step out of line. This lends to Logan’s perfectionism, yes, but it also shows that Logan is highly aware of his position as Thomas’ Logic, and what is expected of him. He knows very well that he does not perfectly fit the mold that Thomas has made for him to fill.

Early in the song, there are mentions of misunderstanding directions and testing the waters in objectionable ways.

[lyrics:

Made us the guinea pig and did it with no permission

Told her to call a friend, didn’t tell her to listen

So very scary, so binary, zero or one

Like code is like coal mine canary]

Being put in a position without a choice in the matter, Logan is very aware that he has a big role to fulfill. He’s being depended on to do his job right. But there has, at no point, been any guidance for him to follow. It’s not as though there’s a training manual out there on how to be Thomas Sanders’ Logic, which means Logan can only attempt to figure it out as he goes along.

Now, this is no different from the other sides, as they all lack any kind of instruction on how to do their jobs, either. They all just have to make mistakes and learn from them to improve and get better with time. And, typically, this should be a good thing, but in Logan’s particular case, his job requires him to be relied upon as the one with the answers and solutions, so if he’s seen as someone who makes mistakes, that ruins his ability to be trusted to give those answers in the first place.

Making mistakes would contradict his purpose as Thomas’ Logic, but if he didn’t make mistakes, he couldn’t learn from them and get better like the rest of them. However, it’s inevitable that he will make mistakes because he has no idea how to do this job because he didn’t have any training involved before he started. But if he makes mistakes, he could lose that job, or the job itself could become misconstrued or defunct due to his failures. It’s an unpleasant and repeated cycle with no clear end.

Logan aims for perfection, knowing the risk of failure is so high and comes with such consequence, but he still has hope that something might work out. He also doesn’t seem to have much of a choice otherwise.

But he's already beginning to loop back around in circles over this, even so early on into the series, and this leads him to questioning why the world works this way. Just why does it contradict itself so much?

[lyrics:

I dream in color, not black and white]

He already realizes that he is seeing everything in a different way than Thomas and the other sides do. The world is so much bigger than the arbitrary parameters that are being set for it. Understanding and learning may need rigid guidelines to teach a beginner, to not overwhelm them, but once you know the basics, you can take those training wheels off and start exploring just about anywhere. If you want to try more adventurous feats, you’ll need better gear, more specified knowledge, but it’s not as though you are barred from entry. There is always more to learn, you simply have to go looking for it.

But the world somehow seems to think that’s not the case. Many believe that you either know something or you don’t, or that things can only be either one way or another, with no nuance involved. Instead of understanding all the shades of gray and color in between every moment, every idea, that there’s fluidity and the ability to shift and change at almost every turn, they choose to rely on what they’ve already learned and refuse to challenge it, even when the opportunity arises to do so. The world has so much more to offer than the black-and-white to which people often cling.

There’s so much space in between every atom, infinite amounts of empty air, that which we can barely comprehend, yet we see an object, a person, or any full form as completely solid, contradicting what we expect. We may say a penguin cannot fly, and yet you could put one as a passenger on an airplane and that could be considered flying. It has just done what was thought impossible. It is all about our perspective and the rules we set in place for our world that limits what we believe we know and understand, but that doesn’t mean that’s how the world actually works.

Unfortunately, changing someone’s mind can be very difficult, especially when you’re the one who contributed to them learning those basics to help them conceptualize the topic in the first place. It can be very hard to teach someone that knowledge is genuinely limitless, especially when they have found less use for it as time goes on and no longer have a desire to keep learning.

The song then indicates that the way a human behaves doesn’t always make logical sense, but that they value their life and experiences.

[lyrics:

Humans don’t understand, humans will sell a lie

Humans gotta survive, we know we gon’ die

Nothing can live forever, you know we gon’ try

Life, is it really worth it? The algorhythm is perfect, mmh]

Logan can comprehend this notion, even if he doesn’t quite understand and see the world in the same way as Thomas does; even if he believes some of his actions are illogical, he knows Thomas’ ability to live his life to the fullest is something memorable. He can recognize its importance overall, even if he doesn’t fully agree with how it’s done.

Logan likely comes to realize by this point, even so early on, that compromise is the best option here, just as we saw in the episode The Mind vs The Heart. Even if he doesn’t see things in the same way as others, he can still meet someone halfway, and hope that they can meet him halfway in return.

However, nothing is ever that easy, it seems. Just because he’s willing to step back and take another’s perspective into account does not mean others will do the same for him.

This more or less encapsulates the rest of the song from his perspective. He learns to stop challenging that which doesn’t want to be challenged, attempts to follow what is expected of him, even if what is expected of him is a perfection that he is unsure can even be achieved. He has to compromise some of these details and nuances so that the world can still run on its bizarre rules, for Thomas’ sake, and this results in him having to step away from his goals to make way for the others’ instead, or even to be pushed away when his insistence to the contrary isn’t appreciated, like we saw in the episode Moving On Pt 1: Exploring Nostalgia.

He learned fairly well that day that sometimes emotions took priority over intelligence, and even if Logan didn’t fully comprehend the purpose they served in solving that dilemma, he was attempting to find a proper answer that would be of benefit to Thomas regardless. But what he learned instead was that his efforts were unwanted simply because he was viewing the situation from a very different perspective than the others were.

As such, he began to learn not to question these parameters that the world operates upon. He needs to do what he can Within those parameters to ensure Thomas’ survival and simply hope that he’ll thrive with knowledge (and Logan) as his guide.

And that is exactly why the next song is Fitter Happier by Radiohead. The whole song is a monotonous text-to-speech vocalization of varying guidelines one may expect for someone to appear as and/or be human. As the list goes on, the more inhuman the stipulations become, betraying the real purpose behind the list, that this is someone attempting to appear perfectly human while misunderstanding what that means entirely.

Again, Logan was never given a guide on how to do his job, so he had to just make it up as he went along and attempt to do it perfectly without any help or reassurance. From Logan’s perspective, he knows his goal is to make sure Thomas survives to live his happy life, but his expertise in helping Thomas achieve this relies on knowledge and facts, not emotions or empathy. This results in Logan’s attempts coming off as unempathetic, cold, and strict, not to mention completely missing the point of living.

But because he is doing this solo, and because he has awareness of the consequences of failure, he is aiming for perfection and doing his best with what resources he does have – which happens to be his own intelligence and what he can learn through research. Unfortunately, when it comes to life and living, Logan’s limited only to the facts, and his primary focus is Thomas’ survival, nothing more.

[lyrics:

Not drinking too much

Regular exercise at the gym, three days a week

Getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries

At ease

Eating well, no more microwave dinners and saturated fats

A patient, better driver]

This is why some of the lyrics list guidelines such as “regular exercise at the gym” or “eating well, no more microwave dinners and saturated fats.” These are the types of recommendations you would hear from a doctor or nutritionist, examples of efforts that may result in longer life. If someone only cared about extending their life or living healthily, these would be excellent suggestions. But when they are devoid of any emotion, removed from relationships with family and friends, absent of aspirations and goals for someone to enjoy said life, the suggestions instead become robotic and inhuman. Yes, you can live longer by following these steps, but you may not enjoy the extra time you are given to do so if you only follow these suggestions and nothing more.

This is something that was discussed during the Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning? episode, where Logan asserts that creating a balance of daily tasks to maintain his wellbeing will allow Thomas to live a long life. Roman argues that if Thomas spends all his time taking care of himself, it doesn’t give him enough time to pursue his dreams and he insists that he must instead take risks and give priority to his aspirations. In the end, Thomas found his motivation in a balance of both of these recommendations, that he should maintain his health while also taking the chance to achieve his goals.

While a human genuinely needs that balance, to have both sides of this argument included to find true motivation to keep going, these individual sides within Thomas are always likely to see their own mindset and opinion on the matter as the priority, as the “right” way to do things. This is exemplified by Patton’s addition during the end credits scene, where he offers his opinion on the topic about having the opportunity to add positivity to the world. His belief is only an addition to the discussion and wouldn’t detract from Logan and Roman’s suggestions, but it shows that each of Thomas’ sides have their own views on what the real answer is meant to be and that they do not agree on this notion, even if they do see eye-to-eye at times or are willing to work together for Thomas’ sake.

This song is likely meant to remind us of that episode specifically, and what Logan’s opinions on the matter were at that time, indicating his goal is for Thomas to maintain a balanced and healthy lifestyle so that he has the ability to survive and live a long life. It shows us that without the others, there is a lack of balance, but it also shows that Logan is striving for perfection, with special regard to Thomas’ needs, not necessarily his wants or desires. After all, that’s Roman’s department, right?

And this is a big factor in why the sides don’t often get along with each other. They each have their own idea of what is actually best for Thomas, and when it comes to Logan, he has an easier time arguing his points because he has all the data to back him up. This doesn’t keep the others from fighting against him, nor does it keep Thomas from taking the others’ side anyway on many occasions, but it’s still something he can rely on when everyone else is against him.

But even if he cares about Thomas’ survival most, is what he’s proposing truly the “right” way to go about it?

If he learned anything from Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning?, the ending of this song may indicate he recognizes that Thomas may well live a long life with his suggestions, but would not necessarily be happy in that life, so perhaps perfection isn’t the right goal to have in mind.

Happiness, however, can be very subjective. For instance, happiness to Logan would likely involve the satisfaction of a job well done, or the opportunity to learn something new, so what would life for Thomas be if he couldn’t have that?

This is what leads us into the next song, Medicine by STRFKR, which continues the thoughts on perfectionism and the problems that arise from it. Perhaps due to the events associated with the last song, Logan has come to realize that the goal of being perfect is either truly unattainable or, as this song seems to suggest, prevents the desire to continue learning once reached. Logan, of course, would not want Thomas to have peaked when it comes to obtaining knowledge, as there will always be something you don’t know, there will always be something new to learn. If perfection removes a desire to know more, he wouldn’t be able to encourage Thomas to learn anything new, even something for his survival. As such, his goal of perfection is flawed.

However, this now completely conflicts with his earlier notions about his own aspirations of perfection, as he must be knowledgeable and helpful for Thomas, to provide him with what he needs without flaw, without failure. He must be perfect, but perfection is not possible. He must be perfect, but perfection begets disinterest and prevents further learning. So, perfection should not be his goal because it will be of overall detriment to Thomas.

His new goal needs to be something else, but he must still maintain something as close to perfection as possible, because Thomas’ perception of him cannot be altered. Thomas will still expect perfection of him, but he can never truly attain it because it’s both impossible and would ultimately remove his purpose to Thomas as Logic. Such a feat is even more difficult to achieve than perfection, so he’s very much stuck at this point and will need to figure out a new solution to this complicated problem.

[lyrics:

Sorry

So helpless

So help you

Any way you like]

When in doubt, Logan knows he can turn to one thing: Thomas’ preference on the matter. If Logan can’t decide on the best course of action, he will instead choose whatever it is that Thomas wants, as that is how he may obtain his happiness even when working with a less-than-perfect Logic.

After all, if perfection was not the true goal, then perhaps it was meant to be whatever Thomas wanted instead. Logan didn’t need to reach perfection, he just needed to reach Thomas’ expectations. The goalpost had moved, but it was still in sight, and now he’d just have to create a new strategy in order to find success, meaning it was time for some experimentation to his approach.

[lyrics:

(spoken behind music)

The following of them does not depend on believing in anything, in obeying anything, or on doing any specific rituals

Although rituals are included for certain purposes because it is a purely experimental approach to life]

Between the events of Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning? and Learning New Things About Ourselves was a fun little promo episode known as Crofter's: The Musical, and while it may not seem all that relevant in the grand scheme of things, it’s important to remember the focus of the episode relied on Logan’s extraordinary adoration of Crofter's jam.

Given his love for the product, he was ecstatic at his opportunity to be recognized through that which he admired – by being featured on a specialized version of the product itself. It’s a high honor, it’s respectable, it’s cherished. This is a great moment for Logan, seeing a lot of his efforts come to fruition in an interesting and unique way.

However, it is soured by Roman’s bruised ego, as he prefers his spotlight and sees this one moment as Logan being viewed more favorably than him overall, and then it is further ruined by the mention of Logan’s wordplay and puns throughout the episode as him acting unusual, notably unserious. Logan becomes rather concerned during the end credits scene as the others point this out about him, and he realizes that he needs to maintain the status quo after all.

His experimentation in finding a balance, of what was acceptable and what was not, resulted in him understanding that he could not engage in sillier interests publicly so as not to alter the others’ perception of him and his purpose to Thomas or tarnish his reputation as a practical, reliable, knowledgeable side. He must continue to keep emotions removed from his position as Logic, even with perfection off the table as a motivating factor.

Now, before we move on to the next song, I want to re-establish whereabout in the timeline of the series we are by this point.

We had the early origins near the start with The Elements song and White and Nerdy, which likely took place somewhere within the first couple episodes that featured Logan. We dipped into Algorhythm, which likely took place around the time the actual plot and deeper characterization began appearing in the show, somewhere between The Mind vs The Heart and Moving On Pt 1 & 2. Then, Fitter Happier seems to strike some similar chords as the episode Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning? from Logan’s perspective alone, meaning we’re fairly far into the series already. Medicine is somewhere around Crofters: The Musical, which means we are about to get to Learning New Things About Ourselves.

That was an episode that definitely served as a big turning point for Logan and how he readdressed his role as Thomas’ Logic and perceived how he was meant to fulfill his position.

This is also the point in the playlist where things seem to take a much darker and negative turn.

For now, we move on to the next song, which is The Watchtower by The Dø.

Now, @intrulogical has a great analysis of the meaning that may be associated with this song from Logan’s perspective, that Logan may overthink and prefer to hide away from others out of shame when he doesn’t perform adequately, that he recognizes his mistakes and has, on multiple occasions, offered to leave the discussion in order to benefit the others and Thomas. He has taken to suggesting his removal from the situation when he doesn’t seem to have the solution they need or when he has become emotional in times where he shouldn’t be, meaning that he has come to realize it may be a better option for him to leave, rather than stay and potentially make the situation worse.

We already know that he has come to understand perfection is not possible but must still maintain something akin to it, feeling shame when mistakes are inevitable. We know he experimented with his approach to no avail, where he learned he must remain emotionless and cold to be successful. The amount of stress from trying to meet expectations, maintain restrictions, and adapt himself for the others’ benefit is beginning to take its toll on him.

The Watchtower is a song that seems to suggest Logan’s methods are what make him a true outlier among the group, but the lyrics literally start out with “I’m breaking, I need another start” which would mean this is a reaction to his stressful situation, not an action Logan chose in advance.

But he is still prepared when reacting like this. He has weighed the options; he has taken past experiences into account. He has more knowledge now on how to be Thomas’ Logic in a way that fits Thomas’ expectations, and he is no longer blindly attempting to do his best without failure and is instead using what failures he’s already had to recontextualize his understanding and guide his next actions.

But he still needs to appear as flawless as he possibly can, for Thomas and the others, so that he still embodies his role as Logic, so that he can still be relied on and trusted to do his job. While he recognizes perfection is not possible, he will still get as close to it as he can.

While stress may be a factor, this may explain some of the true motivation behind his desire to hide away in these moments, or at least his belief that it would be easier to solve these dilemmas from farther away.

[lyrics:

From the watchtower

Where we can see things coming

Good or bad, at least we see things coming

From the watchtower

Where we can read the future

Whatever it says, at least we know what’s up]

Within these lyrics, we can see that this is a very divorced perspective to have, as though Logan prefers to solve issues from a distance, removed from the situation itself and able only to view it, not directly interact with the parties involved.

Using his influence on Thomas to solve the issue without being present in Moving On Pt 2 after he abruptly left in Moving On Pt 1, Logan has shown that he can be successful when he isn’t there to be talked over and insulted, be overwhelmed by everyone’s emotions and concerns, or have his own uncontrolled emotional outbursts. He can stay unbiased, practical, and clear-headed from a distance and achieve the best results.

This explains why he attempted to leave after his outburst in the episode Learning New Things About Ourselves, because he had seen prior success in doing so.

However, it’s clear that there are some consequences to this approach.

[lyrics:

I don’t mind

if I’m impopular

I’m thinking

And no one in particular]

Another repeated notion throughout the series that Logan is now well aware of is that he is not very well liked. While this seems to stem from a combination of the expectations put on him and his stricter handling of the others’ more outlandish ideas, at this point, and the lyrics suggest he tries to make it seem as though it doesn’t bother him. But we know otherwise, because Logan does continue to attempt to garner favor from Thomas, the other sides, and the audience. It’s why he picked up the slang word flashcards, and it’s partly why he tries to use more relatable metaphors and analogies to explain complicated subjects. He does want to be liked, respected, and Heard, even if he claims otherwise.

His attempts to remove himself from the group to benefit Thomas and perform his duties from afar only seem to add to this dislike that’s been building for him. His absence prevents him from building and maintaining any relationship with the other sides (not that he was making much progress with that around that time in the series regardless). When he has his outburst in Learning New Things About Ourselves and tries to then leave the discussion entirely, he is quickly stopped by Patton who insists he stay instead. He would have preferred to leave, knowing he was more beneficial to Thomas if he was unemotional. Unfortunately, because he stays, he is unable to resolve the issue for Thomas like he had before, and instead spent the rest of the episode uncomfortable and unable to relate to the emotional concepts that were applied.

He comes away from that situation recognizing his own misunderstanding of the others’ actions in their attempts to help Thomas, but there is no solution found, only a slight improvement to Thomas’ mood about the discussion on the whole. And on Logan’s part, he was also left without a solution, resulting in him adding this as another failure to his list and believing that he will need to do more to better accommodate the other sides and Thomas’ emotions in order to achieve the best results.

[lyrics:

I’m breaking

I need another start

Far away from the city lights]

This follows the lyrics at the end of the song, repeating exactly how it started. Nothing was resolved here; Logan only sees his mistake and feels ashamed for it. He still wants to solve Thomas’ issues from a distance, but now he’s more aware of the emotional stakes that he hadn’t been implementing in his solutions before this point.

He has decided that he’ll do better, but he isn’t sure how to do that exactly, and he’s still hurting, but that’s left unacknowledged.

And Logan only comes to realize that the others are pulling away after this, as we see in Selfishness vs Selflessness, where he wasn't included in the courtroom scenario and pushed to the back and out of the way after the one moment where he could be helpful.

Logan can see that this is what Thomas and the others want for him, to stay out of their way, because he apparently can't understand them in the way they prefer. Never mind the fact that the inverse is true, too.

And that leads us to the next song, The Breach by clipping.. At a minimum, this song is very concerning, but also a helpful indicator as to what seems to be happening and possibly even why.

[lyrics:

Generally operating normally

A small anomaly has become evident

And probably should be noted]

In simple terms, something has changed, and likely not for the better. Something is different.

If we’re aware of the timeline of the story, this is sometime after the episode Learning New Things About Ourselves, which means it's likely about Remus’ arrival in Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts and how it signifies Thomas’ declining mental health.

Something specific that should be mentioned about this song first is its lyrics. They are read as a computer observing a situation, assessing the variables, and stating plainly the solution to be enacted by others. This is similar to what Logan was able to successfully do in Moving On Pt 2 and would have preferred to use as his approach in Learning New Things About Ourselves, which is to stay distant from the situation itself but address everything calmly and without emotional disruption.

However, the lyrics are also given in very quick succession, indicating a hastiness to the necessity of these instructions. This could mean that if the subject does not act swiftly, the results may not be optimal.

[lyrics:

First: the recommended course of action should be to

Administer a sedative to all the cargo via ventilation

The ship is fully capable of automating this

But requires an approval code from the administration]

As he learned in Learning New Things About Ourselves, Logan has to better accommodate the other sides’ emotions (as well as Thomas’) and their concerns on the matter in order to competently resolve the issue, so appearing and calmly explaining what needs to be done is the approach he chose. But that didn’t work out at first due to the same issues he’s been having this whole time, which is everyone’s reluctance to listen to him as well as their insistence on keeping him out of the group, especially while they are all so emotional themselves in that moment.

In order for this to work, he would need to convince Thomas and the others to trust him and to listen to what he had to say. In reality, Logan can only give them the advice they need here, he can’t actually fix it for them, hence the lyric, “but requires an approval code from the administration.” They can’t logic their way out of this but using logic can guide them away from the overly emotional response and provide the instructions needed to find that solution.

Logan applies the instructions from the song – administer a sedative? Calm the others back down. The importance of alacrity? Speak with confidence, stay positive. Send security immediately? Logan took charge of the situation at hand because no one else was handling it.

Logan keeps himself level-headed, refuses to show any emotional response (not to Remus, not to Virgil, not to Patton), and displays his worth as Thomas’ Logic to the best of his ability. And it works fairly well, as he manages to calm the other sides and Thomas down while also warding Remus off and tiring him out. It took longer than he probably expected, but he accomplished what he had set out to do.

Despite the end of the song sounding like an electric-powered warzone, the episode Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts had ended on a positive note for Logan, as he was praised by Thomas for being cool, with how he handled the situation so smoothly and didn’t let anything affect him. This marked a success for Logan, and he now knows that addressing situations with swift action, getting right to the point while also allowing for the other parties to vent their feelings on the matter, and staying composed and unemotional himself while addressing the problem was the best course of action, at least while Thomas was in this type of mindset and far more stressed than he had been in the past.

Perhaps he really has finally figured out how to be a proper Logic for Thomas after all.

Unfortunately, whatever elation he had in that episode doesn’t last long, as our next song, Letter C by Zach Sherwin, is all about being embarrassed by others and reflecting back on the situation later to think of something cleverer that could have been said in response.

As this is something he has dealt with a handful of times in the series as a whole, Logan wishing he could have thought up a better comeback to the others’ insults in the moment is not unheard of, and it could easily be inferred that he’s done this type of reflection on his own many times.

[lyrics:

And now it’ll linger forever but I’ve been stewin’ over

What I’d say to him if I could do it over]

The song lyrics mention how this situation lingers, that it’s something Logan thinks about repeatedly, even though we know there have been multiple moments like this. He remembers it for a long time, he thinks back on each one, wishing he could have done something more when he had the chance.

This is a moment more steeped in pride than obligation to his duty as Logic, however. While his desire to be viewed as clever and informed comes from the expectations of him as Thomas’ Logic, his desire to be respected as Better than the other sides in this particular way does not.

As was told in Learning New Things About Ourselves, it seems Logan habitually criticizes the others and becomes more standoffish in response to stress and a lack of order, as though the lack of control in a situation supercedes his judgement on how to behave among the other sides. In attempt to regain that control, he tries to place himself and his importance in the matter above others, which only causes additional problems.

In reality, all the sides should be balancing each other out, but the system currently in place is not balanced at all, and we often see sides like Logan further down the ranks than others on a regular basis. This can explain his desire to level it back out or rise even higher, to prove that he should be listened to and respected, and he could easily convince himself that his reason for this desire stems from his necessity to Thomas as opposed to any correlated feelings of shame or pride.

Thomas needs his logical side, someone to act as his voice of reason when the others are too emotional and rowdy, someone to provide unbiased facts instead of the others’ leaning opinions, someone that he can trust to always be in his corner and do what’s best for him every time. While the others turn Thomas’ gaze to the future or the past, Logan does everything he can to keep him steady in the present, so long as Thomas actually listens.

Logan had spent a lot of time to change and be better for Thomas, to meet and exceed his expectations. He adapted his thoughts, his methods, his temperament, all to best accommodate Thomas and his needs. So, it makes a lot of sense that he’d have a lot left unsaid after everything he has tolerated throughout the series. He wishes he could have the respect he believes he’s owed instead of continuing to endure insults left and right, but for now, he can only make up such scenarios where he comes out on top in his mind.

A moment of respite comes with what's next on the playlist, Galaxy Song from Monty Python (as sung by Stephen Hawking), which has a delightful message of enjoying the wonder found in our universe. There’s already so much to learn on our planet, but there’s endlessly more available to us out in the rest of the ever-expanding universe.

The song jabs at the inevitable stupidity of some people but chooses not to complain or find a way to be better than them. Instead, one should choose to refocus on something positive, to distract themself rather than to dwell on it. It’s better to think about something you enjoy rather than something you hate, right? And this makes it seem as though it’s a response to the last song in this way, that Logan has dealt with another insult or stressful situation and was unable to respond in the way he preferred, so now he’s choosing to ignore it and think about something fascinating to pass his time in a healthier and nonjudgmental way. Ignoring the situation is no better than stewing over it, but at least this way he gets to think about something he appreciates.

Neither of these songs seem to have a particular place in the overall storyline from the series, by the way. They seem to embody multiple similar occurrences over the course of the show, indicating that this has happened before, continues to happen, and will likely keep happening in the future. However, it’s not a great situation to repeatedly have to handle, especially if Logan is still as stressed as we know he is, and if he simply keeps permitting it to happen without speaking up properly about why it bothers him, then it will never change.

The next song, Streaks, is itself a very interesting song that embodies a lot of nostalgia, both good and bad, that Logan holds about his past with Thomas – teaching him, helping him study, guiding his path through school and college. Sadly, we know that Thomas proceeded to let his Chemical Engineering degree collect dust so he could instead pursue an acting career and become a successful Youtuber as an adult. To Logan, these more creative interests overtook his studies and Thomas’ potential for a stable and well-earning career.

[lyrics:

All these years of filling out papers

Building a future

Keeping your head down

Tryin’ to keep a head on your shoulders

Keep it creative

Make it your own somehow]

From these lyrics, we can see the inclusion of creativity as a secondary to getting the work done, showing something that was discussed in Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning? as Logan proposed that Thomas maintaining a healthy lifestyle and doing his work tasks needed to take priority over creative pursuits and aspirations. This could imply that, during Thomas’ school years, Logan may have had a lot more say in what Thomas should do to be successful in his classes and to get into college, and that he didn’t turn away Thomas’ interest in creativity but preferred it to not take priority over his schoolwork.

But, as we know, what may have started as a creative outlet soon grew into a genuine interest and then a full acting career that negated the entire point of all of Logan’s hard work. If Thomas had wanted to be an actor or a Youtuber all along, why did Logan put so much effort into getting Thomas to study, to do his work, to get into college, to earn his degree? He couldn’t even be proud of such an accomplishment because it served no purpose to Thomas as an adult. It didn’t signify anything except wasted effort on Logan’s part.

[lyrics:

Throw ‘em in the water

Let ‘em sink or float

Give ‘em what they need to move on

Then you let them go]

This sounds like something you’d hear from a parent watching their child grow up and move onto adulthood and pursue their own life away from the family home.

Logan had done his part, he taught and guided Thomas in everything he needed to know in order to achieve success. And when it came time for Thomas to follow through, he proceeded to veer off to a completely different path and Logan could do nothing but watch it happen. Thankfully, though, Thomas Had found success, just not in a way that Logan had expected.

He hadn’t even prepared for this type of eventuality – it was unknown territory.

But Logan could adapt, he could make this work. He’d shown he was able to overcome past obstacles, and he found ways to implement research and education into Thomas’ creative career, giving him an opportunity to still learn something new. He just needed to stay relevant and keep Thomas’ interest and continue encouraging him to learn. However, that proved much harder to do when Thomas refused to listen to him.

Thomas had grown to require much less from Logan over time, having moved away from the days of tests and studying to bigger and better adventures. It left Logan with very little to do for Thomas but maybe to appear when he had no one else to turn to.

It was as though it wasn’t just Thomas’ degree that he’d placed up on a shelf to collect dust, but Logan, too. To stay tucked away, unused for years, only ever coming in handy for very specific situations and nothing but an embarrassment or eyesore in others. What use could he possibly have anymore? Why should Thomas be proud of him when he didn’t need him for anything?

Now, if you’ve noticed, these past few songs seem to lean more heavily toward emotions than the ones that came before them. Letter C was about embarrassment and feeling shame over his mistakes and how he’s been treated, trying to use his pride to combat it. The Galaxy Song was about relief and ignoring the situation to escape to wonder and curiosity as a coping mechanism. And now Streaks is about nostalgia, the wistful longing for what once was, and the painful memory of what came of that despite all his effort.

He’s embarrassed, he’s running away from the problem, he’s sad.

You see, Logan is trying to find a solution here by using something similar to what the other sides might try when they are the ones struggling. He’s copying their methods. Roman leans on his pride to sooth his ego and to make himself feel better, Virgil runs away and hides from his issues, and Patton delves into nostalgia and strengthens his sadness, feeling it deeply.

This implies that Logan doesn’t quite understand how to handle whatever it is that he is feeling, but he's paid close enough attention to what the others have done, even if he doesn't understand why or how it's meant to help. Now that he's searching for some sort of solution on his own, he experiments, tries something new based upon his research and facts, rather than asking for any kind of help.

Remember, he can’t tarnish his image as a near-flawless Logic that is supposed to already know everything, who they’re supposed to be able to rely on. So, he will have to solve this one on his own, too, by just trying things out until he eventually gets it right. That is what the experimental approach is for, after all.

But these emotional songs are only the beginning, and they’re about to take a stark turn.

Next is What I Do For U by Ra Ra Riot, which is a song absolutely steeped in frustration and anger. In so few lyrics, it says a lot of what Logan has been mulling over lately in the storyline. We know his frustration over everything has been building more and more.

[lyrics:

I want you to survive

Anything you need]

This song gets right to the point with its opening lyrics and even the chorus. It tells us that Logan’s efforts, all these recommendations to Thomas, all the schedules and planning, all this encouragement for him to eat healthy and take better care of himself, all his guidance and advice and helpfulness serve one purpose and one purpose alone – to help Thomas survive.

[lyrics:

What I do for you

I do for you]

Everything he does, he does for Thomas.

But does Thomas recognize that? It doesn’t seem so.

And this, of course, bothers Logan. It doesn’t just bother him, it angers him. Logan has put in so much of his time and energy over the years into doing everything perfectly for Thomas, with no help in doing so this entire time. Prioritizing Thomas’ wellness over everything, listening to the others even when he couldn’t understand their emotions, remaining level-headed and calm around their puns and insults and threats, hiding his interests and holding back his words so they wouldn’t think less of him. He has worked against obstacles and odds of which the others aren’t even aware. He has bent and molded and reshaped himself in so many ways to better accommodate everyone else, to match their expectations, to make them happy. He did it for them.

But what does he get in return? Mocked, disrespected, and ignored.

And, worst of all, Logan knows just how important he is to Thomas! Well, in function, at least. Thomas would not survive without Logic, and yet Logan seems to be the only one to recognize that fact. He can’t even be respected for his function, his purpose in keeping Thomas alive and well. It’s one thing if they didn't like Logan, but wasn’t the fact that he was needed for Thomas’ survival enough for them to tolerate him, at the very least?

[lyrics:

I’m your only hope

And I’m your savior too

Every single test

You’ve been ever carried through]

On top of that, and as we saw in the Working Through Intrusive Thoughts asides episode, Logan has been attempting to solve Thomas’ issues by himself, relying on his knowledge and experience with Thomas to determine the best approach in every situation without consulting the other sides at all. At some point in the series, Logan came to believe that he was the only one who actually cared about what Thomas needed, that he was somehow the only one actually keeping Thomas alive. He believes he is the only side who’s clear-headed enough to handle Thomas’ problems, the only one who can act as a voice of reason, the only one who offers practical and useful solutions.

This is, unfortunately for Logan, not actually true, but it makes sense why he would come to this conclusion, considering that every side disagrees on what they think is best for Thomas. The other sides tend to focus on their own self-interests and goals as guiding factors while Logan is the one who deals the most in absolutes and factual information. Something that Roman suggests can be complete fantasy, impossible to ever achieve. Something that Patton suggests can be unreasonable to follow through on or would only hurt Thomas in the long run. Something that Virgil suggests can be rooted in negativity and self-doubt, bringing Thomas’ mental health down as a result. Janus’ suggestions can be incredibly biased and not always socially acceptable. Remus’ suggestions…well. They can be both uncomfortable as well as impractical.

But Logan never gives impossible, impractical, or biased recommendations to Thomas. He uses research to find what would work best for the situation, then applies it to his knowledge and experience with Thomas to determine what would suit him most, and then suggests it outright, explaining in simple terms a way in which it can be implemented.

He does all the hard work for Thomas, so that all he’ll have to do is simply follow through. Each time, he does this with Thomas and his needs at the forefront of every offer.

Yes, he can go overboard a bit, just like all the other sides, but he thinks that just means he needs to be flexible and allow for some exceptions to balance things out, allow Thomas to be happy in his survival. After all, he has learned so much over the course of this series, hasn’t he?

He learned to compromise with those he disagreed with in The Mind vs The Heart. He learned that too much or too little of any side’s influence could bring detriment to Thomas in Accepting Anxiety Pt 1 & 2. He learned that emotions could override intelligence and present a major problem in Moving On Pt 1 & 2. He learned that finding some balance between his suggestions and the others’ was optimal in Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning?. He learned that such balance could not be applied to himself as he had to maintain his role as an unemotional Logic and stay serious in Crofters: The Musical. He learned that he needed to expand his understanding of why Thomas preferred emotions over intelligence despite the need for both in Learning New Things About Ourselves. He learned that the other sides and Thomas could apparently solve their issues without his presence in Selfishness vs Selflessness. He learned that his method of taking action and solving the issue for them when they were too emotional to do it themselves was more efficient in Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts. He learned that, despite his willingness to help, the others much preferred to solve issues without him in Putting Others First. He learned that his method of efficiency in solving Thomas’ problems on his behalf was not particularly welcome and would not earn him the respect he desired in Working Through Intrusive Thoughts. He learned that despite continued efforts, the others still won’t listen to him or to each other in Have I Grown? – Five Years Later. He learned that, as the logical side, the others would always assume he was against them and their ideas in Can Plushies Improve Our Health?

He's learned…a lot. Overall, he has concluded that he is needed but not wanted, that he has the answers but not the perfect method to apply them, that he apparently should allow for emotions to guide the other sides and Thomas while keeping himself cut off from them entirely, and that he should be implementing logic only where it is most required or when specifically requested.

Logan has found what he believes should work best for Thomas, but has also realized that Thomas is refusing to listen. Thomas doesn’t want to do things that benefit him, he doesn’t want to do things that will make him feel better, and Logan certainly can’t force him to do them, either, even when he’s sure it will help. Are the suggestions the problem or is it because it’s Logan suggesting them that keeps him from doing it?

Logan is very determined to perform his function, to keep Thomas alive and well. He wants to empower him to overcome the mental health difficulties he’s been facing lately, and to allow him to take care of his needs, but Logan’s doing all of this by himself because he doesn’t believe anyone else is capable nor wants to do what has to be done.

The other sides prefer to only dabble in the fun parts, the emotional parts, and leave the complicated and messy stuff to Logan alone. And if Thomas refuses to listen just because it’s Logan telling him the answer, then it puts everything at a standstill, including Logan’s purpose for even being there.

It frustrates him. He feels like he’s been put in this unwinnable position, always made out to be the bad guy when all he does is care about Thomas’ survival and wellbeing.

[lyrics:

I couldn’t ever give up on you

But don’t thank me]

He, quite literally, could never stop doing his job as Thomas’ Logic. He could never stop doing his part, keeping everything afloat, making sure that Thomas can still function, even when Thomas’ mental health is fighting against him at every turn.

Throughout all of Working Through Intrusive Thoughts, we see Logan pause or postpone his plans so he can redirect Thomas and attempt to salvage his mental health, give him time to refocus. He knows it’s a priority right now. He has learned time and time again that emotions are more important than logic in this world, even if logic is the reason he knows and can implement ways to help Thomas to calm down and manage those emotions.

Logan knows by now that he can only help when he’s asked to or when he’s needed most, but after every obstacle and barrier he’s managed to push through, after being the only one who cares enough to do anything to help, he’s left tired and frustrated. He just wants Thomas to listen, for once, for his own benefit, so that he might understand what it is Logan hasn’t been able to say because he’s been pushed down and away for so long.

He shouts out “Stop ignoring me!” to Remus, but Remus knows it’s not really him that he wants to yell that at, and he’s right. Logan’s frustration is mostly with Thomas, and this song shows that very clearly.

He won’t give up on him because he physically can’t, but maybe he has stopped caring about why that is. Maybe he will just do his job, meet the bare minimum of expectations, and not care about the rest anymore.

When Thomas asks him “What’s next?” in the Have I Grown? anniversary video, Logan simply responds, “You tell me.”

He knows his opinion doesn’t matter. He knows no one listens to what he has to say. His suggestions are ignored, his advice is unwanted. Why should he bother giving a damn any longer if Thomas and the other sides clearly don’t give a damn about him?

And that’s where we get to the next song, Erase Me by Ben Folds Five.

This is a very pivotal moment, and it’s notable that it seems to be something that will happen in the near future of the series, because, as of the last song, we have already surpassed all currently released (and relevant) episodes of Sanders Sides in this timeline of the playlist. Erase Me will be related to whatever happens next in Logan’s arc, which also means everything from here on out is more of a prediction than an analysis.

[lyrics:

What was our home?

Paper, not stone

A lean-to, at most]

There’s a lot going on from the very start of this song. First, Logan’s perspective of the mindscape, the “family” of Thomas’ sides, and the system they’ve been using to keep Thomas going was clearly built on shaky foundation, paper-thin and ready to fall at a moment’s notice. Patton holding back negative emotions and then pushing Thomas to prioritize others over himself, Roman pushing himself too far and letting passion fuel Thomas’ every move in desperate attempts to look like the good guy, Virgil’s persistent presence alone despite his efforts to do better only to turn around and assume the worst of Thomas’ opinion of him, Janus’ meddling and his attempts to get Thomas to understand his issues without saying anything outright and only confusing him more and making him feel more guilty, and Remus being abrasive and outlandish to grab Thomas’ attention at every chance he has even if it comes at a detriment to Thomas’ health. It really was only a matter of time before things fell through.

Thomas struggling the way he has been was bound to happen because he wasn’t taking care of himself, he would only listen to some sides far more than others and wasn’t listening to his voice of reason much at all. This created an unfair and, at times, toxic environment for the sides to live and work in. All of them constantly trying to grab Thomas’ attention was what kept them from paying attention to Thomas and what he needed instead.

This became increasingly evident after Janus showed up in the narrative, and has been explicitly clear since Remus’ arrival, too. Thomas is not doing well mentally, and his sides are all stressed out which is making it worse. Logan can recognize all this from a detached, outside perspective despite also being just as affected. He’s been trying to keep things together for Thomas, working on his own to fulfill every role being left undone while the others are too upset to handle things as they typically could, but unfortunately, Logan’s finding it hard to care anymore.

[lyrics:

And when you pulled

Your half away

Gravity won

Like it always does

Did I weigh a ton?

Would it be easier

To just delete

Our pages and the plans we made?]

So, this song is sung in a very accusatory tone, poking at a specific person (mainly because it is originally a break-up song). The speaker is very upset and angry with the other party, and they are relaying their observations and asking why, asking if it was their fault this happened.

“And when you pulled your half away” implies that Logan was not the instigator of whatever preceded this incident, but as we saw with the last song, Logan holds some beliefs about Thomas and the other sides that are not fully true but are not exactly contested either. He could easily see their insistence in pushing him away, ignoring him, and refusing to listen even when Thomas is in desperate need of help as their act of pulling away from him, even if he is the one who has finally let go.

And while I don’t want to get too particular with my predictions, I do believe it’s very possible a last straw for Logan at this juncture may very well involve Thomas’ mental health and what he genuinely needs for survival.

If you’ll remember, Logan now believes he is only truly needed when it is absolutely necessary and there are no other options, or if he is specifically requested to help in some way, so if there is a situation that requires his attention, only for him to show up and be rejected yet again, he may just give up at that point.

And Logan thinks he is the only side genuinely looking out for Thomas, not just for his needs but his wants, as well. Thomas had specifically asked for his help in the Working Through Intrusive Thoughts episode, only for him to take on multiple roles to keep Thomas calm enough to handle himself. And Logan was the only one who bothered to ask Thomas what He wanted in the Can Plushies Improve Our Health? promo video, before even making his argument that everyone else assumed would be in opposition but turned out not to be.

Logan sees himself as that last remaining straw, really. If something is going to finally break him, it will be Thomas and the others. It will be their negligence, their refusal, their rejection of him that finally bends him too far, pushing him to a point where nothing can ever be the same again.

[lyrics:

So what will you do

With no me for you

I know what we said

What if I left

A thing or two?

We know that you don’t seem

To think about what you need

‘Til you reach to find that you’ve—

Erased me]

Like I said, Logan sees himself as the only one holding Thomas together. He believes that, without him, everything would fall apart and turn to chaos, and he’s probably right about most of that.

These lyrics are the speaker predicting what will occur, that the others won’t even notice his absence until they need him for something, and that’s when they’ll realize he’s already gone. This indicates a potential plan to leave, maybe not fully ducking out but certainly not sticking around either. Something that would keep Thomas’ logic functional for use while also allowing Logan a reprieve from him and the other sides, where he would only be used as one would a tool; tucked away in storage until the moment it is needed, then put right back afterward.

Leaving is the key here, though, and it’s something we’ve already seen result in detriment to Thomas back in Accepting Anxiety Pt 1 & 2, and yet, Logan has come to believe that this is a favorable option. Why? Is this to help him feel vindicated, to teach them a lesson?

It's not as though they want him around enough to stop him from leaving anyway.

You know, both the title and chorus of this song portray a very particular message, as “erase me” is not the speaker’s action, because he is not the one erasing himself. Rather, it is a suggestion to the other party so that they can finally be rid of the speaker. The lyrics are also taunting with these words, as if to say that this is what the other party has wanted all along anyway so they should just do it already.

Logan is asking, pleading, for Thomas to let him go because he obviously doesn’t even want him around. Logan doesn’t want to put up with this anymore, and as angry as he is at how he’s been treated, he knows he can’t just give up on Thomas, he’s literally a part of him. This has to be Thomas’ decision, Thomas’ action. Thomas has to be the one to push Logan away, the one to erase him.

Logan isn’t just angry at this point, he’s miserable. He knows he’s unwanted and barely needed, as he serves so little purpose to Thomas in his current career and doesn’t get along with any of the other sides despite everything he has tried to do to correct that. They’ve made it clear they don’t want him around, and they have already proven they can solve issues on their own without his help. He doesn’t need to be there, so why won’t Thomas just let him go?

[lyrics:

Erase me, and you’ll never have to face me

Erase me, Option-Command-Escape me

And if you feel nothing, guess what I wanna be?]

A fun little tidbit of knowledge here, but the Option-Command-Escape function on an Apple computer is its force-quit option, to completely cease a program from running. The program can’t do this itself; the user has to combine those three keys to make it happen. And when they do, the program will have closed and shut down completely. Often this is used when a program isn’t working the way it’s supposed to, when it fails to do its job. By doing this, you put it out of its misery.

Logan isn’t just asking to leave, to only benefit Thomas from afar or only as needed, he is essentially begging for death. He no longer wishes to function at all, because he believes he has no purpose to Thomas or the others. He is pleading for Thomas to let him go, find someone else who could do a better job as his Logic, someone who they’d actually enjoy having around.

For Logan to reach this low of a point, something truly devastating has to have happened to him. I cannot possibly predict what may truly set him off in this way, but given the most recent events in the series, he isn’t all that far from this point already. Likely, it will involve his worth and use to Thomas, and it won’t just be that he was forgotten or tossed aside like in SVS and SVS:R, but that Thomas or the others doing something that will clarify his uselessness out loud, where it can no longer be denied. There will be a divide that leaves him alone on the other end, finally and truly aware that he will never belong here.

Desperation that turns to anger to hide away its shame and misery, Logan won’t just duck out like Virgil had in Accepting Anxiety Pt 1. He would lash out, make sure Thomas and the others knew exactly why he wanted to leave, and begging that they be the ones to cut that connection for him. Maybe he will do something to push the issue, to give them a reason to do it. Perhaps the Orange side will emerge at this point, either to assist him in whatever he’s trying to do or to take over for him or something else entirely.

Regardless of what happens, Logan has now hit a very low point, and everyone knows it.

The next song is Art is Dead by Bo Burnham, which by itself can imply quite a few things.

As if simmering down from the initial blast of heat in the last song, there's still anger and annoyance here, but also a realization.

Something I want you to understand about this song before we relate it to Logan and why it’s included in this playlist is that the speaker is talking about a position, specifically an entertainer, and is saying that what they do is problematic. The speaker is complaining about another party, only to then turn around and include themself within that party. They are not just saying “entertainers are bad and here’s 50 reasons why.” They are saying “entertainers are attention-seekers, and so am I.”

So, when you then put this into perspective with Logan and the message he’s been trying to convey, he is pointing out flaws that he sees in what is likely Roman, as well as Thomas, but he’s also including himself as part of the problem. He recognizes that he, too, seeks attention – from Thomas, from the other sides, from the audience. And he doesn’t feel that it’s a good thing, he sees it as shameful because he knew why it was an issue, and yet he kept doing it anyway.

This seems like a moment of self-reflection, to see that he is not above the others at all, in fact he’s not that different from them when it comes down to what they all want, which is Thomas’ attention. Every single one of them is trying to be heard, but Thomas has only been listening to some of them. And most of them never feel that what they do get is enough, no matter how much it is.

This song shows that Logan knows he wants Thomas’ attention, but also that he doesn’t feel he’s done enough to deserve it. He believes he hasn’t even earned a right to complain like he has. He’s ashamed for how he’s acted because he thought he was supposed to be better than this. He doesn’t deserve the respect he thought he was owed; he doesn’t deserve anything.

With this song, he has somehow managed to dig even lower than his last low point, he’s just sorry for all the trouble he’s caused. Maybe his emotions got out of hand, maybe the Orange side caused problems but it was his fault because he let it happen – who knows? Even if he felt vindicated in the moment, it was clearly fleeting, and now, after the events of what happened, Logan only feels worse.

And then we get to Equation from The Little Prince next on the playlist, and we’re still in that zone of self-reflection, but it’s no longer about how Logan’s just like the others. No, now it’s all about his own flaws, his own failures, and everywhere that he’s fallen short.

Logan has now managed to dig even deeper than his lowest low, folks! It just gets worse and worse! Can you believe it?

[lyrics:

Will I ever know

How white is the snow

Does it matter after all?

Will I ever learn

How to fly like birds]

In this lowest point, Logan can only come up with questions that have been left unasked. Did he hurt Thomas? Did he ruin whatever he had with the other sides? Will he be forever trapped in this world Thomas created for them, with no way to truly explore the real world, to see its full wonder? Will he ever have a chance to do better, to be better, to hope again? Will he ever reach his true potential? Did he ever even have a true potential?

He had attempted and failed to find perfection for so long. He believed it was just a matter of trying, of wanting to meet Thomas’ expectations of him, that if he put his all into it, then he could see it through and be what exactly what Thomas wanted him to be, to be what everyone expected him to be, to be what Logan himself hoped to be.

Hours, days, weeks, years… In the end, it was never truly possible, and yet he had kept foolishly hoping for so long that he could be enough for Thomas. He had called the others’ ideas irrational, when, really, it was him all along with the impossible dreams.

[lyrics:

Are you good as gold?

Are you far from hope?

Are you well alone,

Dad?

Will I be a brave?

Will I be a bright?

Will I be a good grown-up?]

The future was never certain, but now Logan could never be sure of anything. What will become of him? What will become of Thomas? Is it even possible to recover from this, to start over, to get better?

We then move on to the next song, Sunrise from In The Heights. Logan is not doing well, but something he definitely needs more than anything right now is some sort of hope and motivation to keep trying and keep going.

Sunrise appears to be a song meant to involve either Roman or Patton communicating with Logan, but the purpose in its placement on this playlist seems to infer emotion as a motivation to learn, if you break the romantic intent away from the song itself, that is. Anything can motivate one to learn, even love, and Logan must be able to recognize this and understand that emotions and intelligence do not have to have a clear separation and can instead work in tandem. Learning isn’t just about curiosity or survival, it can have very emotional ties, as well.

For so long in the series, Logan has insisted he did not have emotions, even when this was clearly false. He believed that keeping himself removed from emotions would help him succeed in his job as Logic, that the others would be able to rely on him much more if they could trust his knowledge to be unbiased and unmotivated by unpredictable emotions. He assumed that divide between the two was necessary, and that if the two merged or collided, he would be unfit to do his job, that he would not be taken seriously.

However, doing this kept him from understanding and processing his own emotions as well as being unable to empathize with Thomas and the other sides. He only grew to misunderstand and mistrust emotions more and more as time went on, becoming startled and confused at his own outbursts, not aware of why he would feel a certain way or have a certain reaction to a situation, because he refused to let himself experience that emotion, to feel it. His lack of understanding directly resulted from his choice not to engage with emotions at all, despite their importance.

And finding that importance is where this song comes in, because the crucial point Logan had been missing all this time was that emotions can encourage one to learn, inspire one to research. Love can motivate someone to learn a new language, so they can communicate, as we hear in this song. But something like anger can motivate someone to research an important topic so they can fight for what they believe in with facts on their side. Sadness can inspire someone to look into advice and ways to help, not just for oneself but for others, too, employing empathy and logic side by side. Fear can motivate someone to find truth, to create familiarity with routines and schedules, to calm down cognitive distortions to maintain peace of mind.

Logic and emotions do not need to be separated; they can work together very well. In fact, most people use both in tandem every day.

For so long, Logan had set for himself a barrier he could not, would not cross. He knew there was nuance to the world but learned over time that he could not display his own. He resorted to that black-and-white thinking for the others' benefit and then to his own, finding that it was all-or-nothing when it came to Logic or Emotions. He believed one would merely taint the other, so they must be kept apart, even if that left only he alone on the other side, as the only logical side.

Despite the unfairness and discomfort, he didn’t want to challenge what he had come to think was right, what he’d been using as his basis for how he was supposed to act, which is why he refused to learn more about it, to never dare change the perception that he held.

He had given up, letting the world and its arbitrary rules dictate who he was and how he should be…but that was never meant to happen.

Once he realizes where his thoughts had steered him wrong, it will be like a whole new world of opportunities has suddenly opened up to him, giving him so much more to explore and learn. It will give him what he was missing this whole time. It will bridge the gaps he’d been unable to cross.

Logan does serve a purpose, and it's an incredibly important one, but it’s not something he was ever meant to do completely alone like he has been.

And that, of course, is where we get to the next song, One More Time with Feeling by Regina Spektor.

Firstly, this is a song about recovery, which is definitely where Logan would be by now in the story, processing what happened, and attempting to move forward and do better. As many know, recovery is not linear, and it’s certainly not perfect.

But given everything that has happened, it’s not all on Logan to improve himself on his own. Yes, he will need to allow himself to feel emotions so that he can understand them better, and he’ll need to learn ways to implement feelings alongside intelligence when working with the other sides to help Thomas, but the other sides need to do their part here, as well.

They have pushed him away, refused to listen to him for so long, often for petty reasons that blossomed into their eventual negligence. It won’t be easy to fix that level of miscommunication between Logan and the others. It’s not as simple as Logan finally speaking up, or the others promising to do better; it will require a lot of work from both ends before anyone can truly meet in the middle on this.

Logan had spent a lot of time before all this, trying to find ways to meet the others halfway, only to met with nothing in return. He gave up so much of himself, and now resents their choice to only take and never give anything back. Once the others finally reciprocate and show that they do genuinely care about him, only then will Logan have the chance to start this journey, to finally begin to get better.

The lyrics that we hear a few times in this song “this is why we fight” can have multiple connotations, such as an explanation of why the group miscommunicates and argues so much, why they don’t get along. But it can also mean that this is their motivation to keep trying, to fight for what they believe in.

I believe both of these meanings are present in Logan’s perspective of this song.

[lyrics:

Oh, everyone takes turns, now it’s yours to play the part

And they’re sitting all around you, holding copies of your chart

And the misery inside their eyes is synchronized and reflecting into yours]

Earlier on in the song, Logan believes that the others don’t understand his predicament, even if they want to help. They are still separate from him, even if they’ve all had their own issues to overcome, that doesn’t mean they actually comprehend what he’s going through, how it feels, what it means.

He experiences the world so differently from the rest of them. How could they ever possibly understand?

They are pushing him to do something he cannot do well – to open up, to reach out, to feel – and it’s only condescending and antagonistic how they keep insisting that he try again every time he fails.

“This is why we fight” during the chorus is his condemnation of their actions, that he doesn’t think the others can meet him at his level. He is not in a place yet where he can believe they’ll listen to what he’s actually saying, he can’t trust that they’ll bother to explain these unknown things to him in a way he can understand. And this is why they continue to fight, to argue, to not get along, because they aren’t properly communicating, they’re just making the same mistakes again and again.

[lyrics:

You thought by now you’d be so much better than you are

You thought by now they’d see that you had come so far

And the pride inside their eyes would synchronize into a love you’ve never known

So much more than you’ve been shown]

Logan thought he would be better, not just in regard to being the best he can be for Thomas, to succeed as his Logic, to know what to do, and to have the answers, but also in terms of his own recovery. It’s difficult, and some days are worse than others; he makes progress and then he doesn’t, and it’s shameful because he has such high expectations for himself.

He’s so used to aiming for perfection that when failure is consistent like this, it feels wrong to be told it’s actually okay, that it’s normal.

But he wants to prove that Thomas’ efforts and the efforts from the other sides have not gone to waste on him, that he is improving. And yet, he keeps failing anyway. He was supposed to be perfect; he was supposed to be reliable! But now look at him. Even with their help, he’s still messing things up.

He just wants to make them proud, he wants to earn that attention and respect that he couldn’t get before, even if he knows he still doesn’t deserve it. He wants to prove that maybe he can deserve it, though.

“This is why we fight” during the next chorus is his agreement with the others, that this is the motivation to keep trying, to keep going. Someday, he can be better. Someday, he will be respected and trusted and relied upon in the ways that he wants. Someday, they’ll be proud of him.

Until then, the fight is worth it.

This leads directly into In My Mind by Amanda Palmer as the next song, as we see Logan has held very high expectations for himself, which is why failure had hurt so much. But now that things have changed, he may be beginning to challenge these expectations, to expand upon them and understand that he has a chance for something different now.

[lyrics:

Because I will be the picture of discipline

Never minding what state I’m in

And I will be someone I admire]

Part of the issue really did come down to lyrics like “never minding what state I’m in” because Logan never put himself as a priority. This entire time, even at his lowest point, Logan was never the one who was important, not even to himself.

He was okay with this because this was never about him, it was about what Thomas needed or wanted. His willingness to bend and remake himself to benefit the others was surely a sentiment shared by all of them, that this was just what was needed to accomplish his job.

It’s not until Logan finally realizes that this is not the case, that he needs to put himself in some priority, too, that he’ll ever begin to improve and truly get better, able to be himself or enjoy anything he does again.

A big part of recovery is not setting your motivation on someone or something else – you need to get better because you want to be better. You need to believe you deserve to be happy, to get the things you want. Logan can say he’s doing this to benefit Thomas, to build back a relationship with the other sides, to earn back his position and demand respect as Logic, but that will only fail until his motivation is simply that it’s something he wants to do, for him. When attached to others and their expectations, those strings only come with guilt and can end up making his situation worse.

Logan has to do this for himself.

[lyrics:

And it’s funny how I imagined

That I would be that person now

But it does not seem to have happened

Maybe I’ve just forgotten how to see

That I’m not exactly the person that I thought I’d be]

It starts with recognition, the realization that he hasn’t met those expectations he held for himself. There’s still judgement and he still feels guilty about it, wondering how he could have let it get to this point. Maybe he just wasn’t paying attention properly, maybe he should have remembered that he’d already decided long ago about perfection being unattainable and how that was supposed to apply to him, too.

[lyrics:

Not like me now

I’m so busy with everything

That I don’t look at anything

But I’m sure I’ll look when I am older]

He regrets having missed out on the present, not having the chance to experience the wonder of the world that he so admires due to all his efforts towards achieving perfection and doing his best to handle everything by himself. He was so busy trying to do everything so precisely and getting the result he wanted that he hadn’t given himself the opportunity to enjoy anything in all that time.

He could do activities if they were productive, if they served a purpose, but he was a hypocrite, always aware and sharing the wonder of the universe and all that exists within it, amazed by the here and now, yet spending all his time locked in, looking away from the present while trying so hard to maintain it.

How long did he spend, convincing himself that just as soon as he achieves what he set out to do, then he would have time to do that? How long would he have kept going if something hadn’t finally snapped and broken everything, forcing him to confront this?

Would he have missed out? Would he have been somehow worse?

[lyrics:

And it’s funny how I imagined that I could be that person now

But that’s not what I want, but that’s what I wanted

And I’d be giving up somehow, how strange to see

That I don’t wanna be the person that I want to be]

Finally, a breakthrough. While not quite acceptance, Logan is finally starting to see the difference, that he wants things in a different way now than he did before.

He kept trying to strive for perfection in his recovery, but didn’t he recall how badly that had gone last time? He knew perfection wasn’t attainable, but he believed that was the expectation Thomas and the others had for him. He kept trying to get to it, no matter what it cost him, and that’s how he wound up here in the first place.

And now, after everything, things have changed. Thomas is listening, at least more than before. The others do care, and try to make sure he knows it, too. Logan had wanted to get better, to make them proud, to prove that he deserved what they were offering to him, but… that wasn’t even the point of it all.

All this time, he’d thought he still needed to be perfect, that that was what he wanted, but now that he’s finally had a chance to look inside himself, to experience wonder and curiosity again, he has realized that what he really wanted was to be accepted.

He didn’t want to have to change himself so the others would listen, he just wished they would actually want to listen to him, to like him for who he is, to let him be himself without requiring him to change, to only be the best, only what was needed, only Logic.

He wanted to be more than Logic; he wanted to be Logan.

With that, he finally realizes that doesn’t have to focus on perfection for Thomas’ sake and survival. He can focus more on himself more instead, on what he actually wants from the world, what he wants to do, and what he wants to try. He can be what he wants to be – more than Thomas’ Logic.

Having finally realized what it’s all for and being given the time to explore that, we get to the next song, Not Perfect by Tim Minchin.

This is a song that attempts to use facts and knowledge to explain feelings and thoughts, bringing context to situations that Logan had struggled in doing before this point. Finally beginning to understand what it is that’s going on inside, what these feelings are and why they’re there, to have the words he needs to adequately describe it to someone else, it all must be so relieving.

There’s still uncertainty, sure, but it’s a lot less stressful now, knowing there’s a way to talk to the others, to actually communicate what he means. He may still be startled, caught unawares, but he doesn’t have to shove it down and away anymore. He knows how to pause and reflect, let himself experience it, and he knows how to control his own behavior in reaction to it.

It’s far from perfect, and there’s still a lot he’ll need to learn, but he does so enjoy learning, doesn’t he?

[lyrics:

This is my earth and it’s fine

It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time

It’s not perfect, but it’s mine

It’s not perfect…]

Another thing to note about this song is the ownership behind most of the lyrics. “This is my earth” and “it’s not perfect, but it’s mine.” That sense of belonging is something that Logan has always wanted, and to be able to not only express that, finally, but to feel that it is real, that he is no longer just an outside observer but a part of the world as a whole, must be incredible.

He’s finally found his place, and though it was here all along, he no longer feels trapped in a cage or left collecting dust on a shelf. He has his place, he knows he’s a part of something greater, and that he’ll be appreciated for who he is.

This song has a perfect matching bookend, by the way; it’s three songs from the end of the playlist whereas Algoryhthm was three from the start. Both of these songs involve one’s differing view of the world, recognizing not only how it works but their place within it. One deals with that negatively, the other more positively.

In Algorhythm, Logan still had wonder for the expanse of the world but found himself trapped by the parameters being set. It didn’t matter that he knew things didn’t have to run in this way, he had no power to change it. He was given no other choice but to give up and go with the flow. He could only change himself to match it, knowing he was an outsider who didn’t belong but had to make do with his circumstances.

In Not Perfect, however, he still has that differing view of the world, but instead of being the outlier, he’s now able to find comfort in knowing he has a place within this world. There are so many wonders everywhere, all around, in the biggest and smallest of things. Yes, he sees the world differently, but so do others, and that’s amazing! He may feel alone at times, he may feel infinitesimal among the great expanse of the universe, but he is never truly alone. He knows he belongs here. He has those who understand him, and he doesn’t have to change for anyone. The world can accept him for who he is, always.

It's as though whoever curated this playlist knew precisely what they were doing. They cared deeply enough to ensure this story, Logan’s story, was told exactly the way it was meant to be, to describe the highs and lows, to explain the truth behind every note, and to inspire with hope anyone else who may be struggling, as well. This story, this playlist, says to us calmly and clearly that everything is going to be okay. It’s not perfect, but it’ll be okay.

In Human by Tank and the Bangas, we get to hear that acceptance, that love on full display.

Things have finally slowed down now, a song for a moment that comes at a more comfortable and soothing pace. Logan finally has the time to look around and see what he’s been missing while he’s been so busy with everything else.

This is another song that uses facts not only to describe and evoke emotions, but to inspire awe and wonder. Emotion-driven curiosity, channeling all the wonders of the world, of you, as your inspiration and guide to learn more and appreciate the here and now.

[lyrics:

Don’t you ever become complicit

With living life on a shelf]

Logan had gone so long pushing away parts of himself simply because they were flawed, not partaking in his interests because they didn’t fit the mold he so desperately wanted to fill. But now that he’s found his place, he can appreciate his chance to finally be more, to explore and share what he’s learned, knowing he’ll be heard.

Something we’ve seen from Logan since the very beginning is just how deep and wide his wonder goes. He loves the world, the universe, and everything found within it. He holds such fascination for the innumerable amount of living species in the world, for all the technology that’s been created and built, for every concept born of a mind. Logan loves the world so much, and he wishes so much for others to cherish what can be learned from it, as every moment, something new emerges. So many possibilities, so many chances to do more, see more, be more.

Logan was never meant to be someone who was pushed away, kept from the world that he loves so dearly. And now that he finally has the chance to be himself, to be accepted for who he is, we see that he immediately turns to what he loves most: wonder, and the opportunity to share it with others.

Knowledge can do so much for so many, but it’s best purpose is to be shared openly and freely, given to all who will take it. It’s not meant to be inaccessible, locked away, kept elite behind paywalls and tuition fees. It’s a part of what makes the world as amazing as it is, and Logan knows this and wants it to be shared.

[lyrics:

You have to continue to live

There are too many more interesting lessons]

Logan had made it his upmost priority in life to ensure Thomas’ survival, but this was something that eventually led to him burned out, begging for his own life to end instead. This journey, this long arc full of ups and downs, gave Logan the chance to see that his priorities were misaligned. He needed to take care of himself, he needed to give himself significance, because otherwise, he’d be constantly pouring from an empty cup.

He had to choose not only to live but to give himself the chance to do what humans do, to experience life, to enjoy it. Whatever time they have, they will make the most of it, because it can’t just be about survival.

Back in the song Algorhythm, Logan learned that humans do things very differently, that they don’t always act in ways that make sense, that sometimes they don’t prioritize survival despite its importance. In Fitter Happier, his interpretation of what it meant to be human was so disconnected from reality, misunderstanding what it was truly all for. But now, he has been given the chance to experience that broader spectrum; he’s no longer cut off from emotions and the ties they make to every moment in life.

There is so much more you can do with emotions as your guide, as the heartbeat to fuel your curiosity, your will to keep learning.

[lyrics:

And if you never knew

That that was enough to just be

You obviously don’t know

A thing]

This song has marked this moment out clearly for Logan, that he is finally an important and valued part of Thomas, that he belongs here and has a place here with the other sides, within the world, within the show. And it wasn’t perfection and changing himself to suit their needs that got him there. He was able to accept himself and give himself the freedom to explore and discover more, to find his own way to benefit Thomas, to be Logic, without strings, without repression, without solitude.

Being unabashedly himself was enough. He was enough for Thomas.

And then we get to the last song on the playlist, Time Adventure from Adventure Time.

A charming song to complete the set, to bring us back to how happy and smiling Logan had started out at the beginning of it all, though this time there’s a lot more depth to that smile. He knows more now; he’s learned and changed and improved in ways he never knew possible at the start of all this.

[lyrics:

Time is an illusion that helps things make sense

So we’re always living in the present tense

It seems unforgiving when a good thing ends

But you and I will always be back then

You and I will always be back then]

Existentialism with a positive twist, Logan can recognize the world for what it is, for how it works. But there is always that encouragement to remember where we all are, in the here and now.

Logan values the present the most, even if he’s someone we know who relies on the past for experience and the future for motivation. In comparison, Roman values the future and what it can hold, Patton values the past and what it can mean, and Virgil mixes between the past and the future to keep Thomas on a steady path. Logan is one of the only sides, other than perhaps Janus, who values the present moment above all else.

He wants Thomas to see what’s right in front of him instead of ignoring it for what he remembers of the past or what he hopes for the future. It’s okay to want those things, to appreciate them, but disregarding the present only results in missing out on the world around him, on what’s already available to him right now.

Logan sees Thomas’ potential and aspires for him to achieve it, but he can’t keep his mind on faraway goals without doing what he can in the present. Make a plan today that you can enact tomorrow. Brainstorm that story right now so you can write it later. Hug that friend today so you can remember it later when you miss them. There’s always a reason to act in the present, to live your life right here and now.

This ending song shows us that Logan has grown so much, and came to be happy at the end of the story. He’s come to understand himself, the others, Thomas, and the whole world so much better than ever before and is better for it. From this point on, things will surely be different, but now he has everything he needs to face anything that may come his way. He can rely on his knowledge, but also trust that he has his friends at his side, that he has their support. He knows Thomas values him and what he has to say, and that he can tell him when things are tough, when he needs him to listen.

He is heard. He is loved. And he loves in turn, all without having to do anything but be himself.

Something I absolutely adore about these last few songs on the playlist is that even though Logan is doing better now, after everything he’s gone through, he’s not showing this newfound satisfaction and happiness in the ways that you’d expect of most people. He’s doing it his own way, the way he likes doing it, and he’s thriving for it!

He prefers to work alone, having the time to think and contemplate strategies and plans without interruption. He likes reading in a quiet room, exploring fascinating new worlds and concepts all on his own. He likes sharing what he’s learned, and being relied upon for his knowledge, given the opportunity to explain ideas to others in the hopes that it will fascinate them and encourage them to learn more themselves.

He's not changing himself to do what others want of him. He’s not trying to fit some mold, to be okay by anyone else’s standards. He’s just…being Logan. And that’s everything I could ever want for him.

This playlist has involved such an amazing journey for Logan; it’s a story told through something humans will always love to share – music!

It showed us every crucial moment of Logan's arc, from what we've already seen in the show to what we know is bound to come next. It's clear that Logan has so much more to learn, especially from the other sides, who will be able to understand him once they finally try to communicate effectively and work together for Thomas and for themselves. The situation will improve, they will be happy, someday.

Someday, we’ll get to see the real conclusion to this character’s story, and until then, we can hold out hope for a good ending.

#logan sanders #sanders sides analysis #sanders sides #ts logan #logan angst #long post #like extremely long post #this is basically a very long winded way of saying that i hc logan as the biggest brooder to ever brood #so very broody and angsty #also yes i genuinely just write like this naturally and used to always be called a walking thesaurus #if you need clarification on anything i am always glad to extrapolate on my thoughts #especially because there was so much more i wanted to say here but i needed to reel it in haha #orbs thought bubbles #oh one last thing - i transcribed these lyrics myself in this post bc most websites were so incredibly wrong with these

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sir-yeehaw-paws · 4 months

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i keep thinking about ocelot takarazuka i dont really see the influence like he just looks like a middle age guy with masc features manner and fashion so what do you think the artist actually meant? there's nothing feminine about ocelot like how does the "is that a man or woman" thing play in here cause i don't see it. He's not like raiden or raikov. He's just a guy 🧍‍♂️so how does the all female theatre thing apply

Hello Anon! Full, immediate disclosure, this answer is messy and disjointed. I probably don't even answer the question your asking end of the day, but I'll try my best.

I believe this is the post you're wondering about?

As I said in this earlier post I'm not a Japanese speaker, so I have to go on interpretation, and what has been offered by the translations available. I can't help but think there is going to be some sort of nuance missing as a result, but I'll do my best.

To start, I think you and I might have a slightly different view on masculine and feminine-to me the two concepts are pretty interchangeable, but I do understand where you're (probably, I don't know you personally after all) are coming from and that, no, Ocelot doesn't have many traditional 'feminine' characteristics.

You'll note that in the original post, Shinkawa refers to getting inspiration from the idea of 'women in their 40's (the age Ocelot almost is in MGSV)' and 'long, flashing eyelashes'. (My interpretation here is that by this, he means in the way long eyelashes that are considered sexy have an eye-catching flow to them. Sort of like how we can say 'fluttering lashes'. Intended to draw a person's gaze in, and command their presence).

Doing some cursory research tells me that the Takarazuka Revue (because Takarazuka is also a city in Hyōgo Prefecture, Japan.) is an all-female musical troupe located within that same city. Started in 1913, by Ichizō Kobayashi.

(I also got distracted by this version that is a performance of Casino Royale, so there's that)

Anyway, ahem.

"Kobayashi believed that it was the ideal spot to open an attraction of some kind that would boost train ticket sales and draw more business to Takarazuka. Since Western song and dance shows were becoming more popular and Kobayashi considered the kabuki theater to be old and elitist."

Throughout the article, there is also this;

"Takarazuka has had a profound influence on the history of anime and manga, especially shōjo manga.[27][28] Osamu Tezuka, a highly influential manga creator, grew up in the town of Takarazuka. His mother knew many of the Takarazuka actresses, and as a child he knew them and watched many of their performances"

I can assume that the performances have a lot of influence on media, and it's not uncommon for MGS to take inspiration. There could be an entire article on the things MGS takes inspiration from, even outside the most obvious like Escape from New York, character model bases, etc.

Cycling back to the original point, (there is also a video that exact post comes from, but I don't have the link on hand, on YouTube *no translations). I think that it's entirely possible Shinkawa took 'loose' inspiration, or a little more. I can see why and how he might've based Ocelot's look on the idea. (Loose shirt, tight pants, scarf open neck). But there is also the element of which Takarazuka is a performance, more than anything.

It's acting. Playing. Something Ocelot does all the time. Half of his time on screen, he's putting on some kind of performance. While this is something he does the least in MGSV, that never fully changes 100%. (And after all, he's also hypnotized for most of the plot). So there's a counter argument to be had that this is one of his greatest performances pre-MGS4. But that's a different post.

Ocelot presents/is masculine. But, he has longer eyelashes, his clothes are a little more 'free' than the standard military garb when he's allowed to choose his own outfit. (Again this is specifically MGSV Ocelot, though there's something to be said about his chosen attire being such a sharp 3 piece later on).

At the end of the day, maybe a way you can look at it is to say that, Shinkawa looked to Takarazuka when designing MGSV Ocelot to give him a sort of 'flow' to his looks. He was attracted to the idea of taking elements from Takarazuka, because Ocelot is a performer, and he sees some possibility for feminine additions in his looks *or* might've thought it more 'fitting' than Kabuki.

But again, I don't know if we see fully masculine and feminine the same way, (and maybe Shinkawa personally associates long eyelashes with sexy women; or women made up to look like men but with longer lashes) I can't know for sure myself. I think you would need a native or very good Japanese speaker to interpret it fully.

If I was to offer you a personal opinion-I can see it. I can see where there's a draw that one might have with the look, and where Shinkawa might've gotten said inspiration. But I am not entirely certain how to put that into words either? My perspective isn't going to be 1-to-1 of yours either.

Maybe someone else can interpret all this better than me, I definitely feel as if I've not done this justice at all. Because at the end of the day, I don't see a hard divide in masculine and feminine in Ocelot, but I think that you, Anon, see him as 100% masculine. But again, I can't speak for you and I am not sure.

#asks #answered asks #revolver ocelot #mgs #sorry anon this is probably the clumsiest ive ever answered an ask #i think there's too much thats open to interpretation to give you a clear cut answer like you might want but im not sure #maybe I'll come back to this later if i can think of a better way to explain it anon but i didn't want to leave you just hanging either #i also kept getting distracted by theater pictures so uh sorry about that #character posts: revolver ocelot

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ultimateloserboy · 11 months

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I’ve been holding back this ramble forever but the food episode makes me tear up and i NEED to talk about it.

The food episode was the only episode I really couldn’t watch as a kid. I remember being horrified by it. to this day i still feel uneasy thinking about it, even though it doesn’t scare me in the slightest anymore. the reason i feel uneasy now isnt because im scared, its because to me its the saddest episode of the whole series and makes me want to punch walls. when i was younger i didnt notice a lot of the things ive noticed now, and every time i watch the episode i notice even more.

a lot of people talk about this episode as if red guy ran away and wants nothing to do with the house, that he’s trying to save the other two by bringing them to his world. while i dont think this is a wrong or bad interpretation, considering it’s understandable, id like to talk about my own interpretation. i dont think red guy even knew how he left. keep in mind he just exploded and then woke up in an office. there’s absolutely nothing suggesting he ran away on purpose. all he wanted was for colin to shut up, he wasnt intending to find the room he found. this itself isnt an interpretation, its a fact, BUT how he feels about it and what he does in the red guy world is completely up to interpretation! mine is that he wants to go home instead of trying to get the other two out of it. lemme explain ok hear me out:

throughout the entire food episode red guy is constantly popping up in the background somewhere. hes drawn behind windows and his head is in the microwave in one shot. when duck knocks the camera over for a split second you can even see his legs as it falls. the leg thing is what really got me, because most other times he was simply drawn. but those were his actual legs standing in the kitchen. to me it represents the fact that he isnt actually there but is “haunting” the other two. they dont really remember him but they can see him out of the corners of their eyes. hes blurry and far away but they KNOW someone is there (or WAS there, i should say). but on his end i think it could represent how hes still there in his head, how hes still singing songs and shit like that despite being out of that world. he says he hated that world, that hes allergic to music, but now that hes gone from it its stuck in his head. he misses the music. he misses his friends. hes still there in spirit.

before i continue id just like to say that, no, the main three INCLUDING RED GUY dont always want to leave the house. especially when they have to leave the others behind. whenever theyre off somewhere they usually want to go back home, yellow guy even said “i want to go home” word for word once. but he also said “no more songs” these things can exist at the same time guys. they can not want to drown in oil but still want to live in their house, yall realize that right? thats a huge theme in the show, that the house and the main three have a very complicated relationship. they dont want to leave their home they just want it to, yaknow, NOT EAT THEM. so i think red guy wanting to come home isnt at all out of character. and he doesnt like the red guy world anyway, why would he take his friends there when theyre wacky as shit and wouldnt fit in there or enjoy it at all? also id like to make the point that he doesnt know what’s happening in the house (at least not the seriousness of it) until he sees the machine. so him trying to save the other two from getting munched makes no sense to me personally. AGAIN THO THIS IS JUST MY INTERPRETATION!! YOURS IS VALID TOO AND I LOVE YOU!!!

But anyway continuing on, ducks reaction especially makes me insane. whenever i see how duck acts in episodes like “jobs” when he starts freaking out and trying to get the first aid kit for yellow guy im reminded of this episode. duck really does love his friends at heart. he doesnt want to leave the house, he sees no point, but to me the reason he doesnt want to leave is BECAUSE of his friends (or at least one of the reasons). in the tv series duck has a whole argument with red guy about leaving, and while some people say this duck is different than webseries duck i have to disagree. i think duck wouldve always argued about staying, but i also think hed always want to leave if red guy did. duck always switches up as soon as something is “wrong”. he always wants to stay until one of his friends is acting weird/hurt/missing and then suddenly the world isnt right and he doesnt want to be there. not only that but he will do everything in his power to fight against the things keeping him from his friends or hurting them, even if it means risking his own life. he knew some weird shit was going on every time he answered the phone, but despite that he continued answering anyway. he interrupted the songs and pushed things away and kept running to the phone, being disobedient and not giving a damn. this isnt unusual for duck, but it makes me especially ill, because he acts very confused as well. hes very upset, not mad like he usually is but genuinely upset and worried. most likely because of how hazy his memory is. my favorite scene of the series is when he pushes over the camera and says “i dont want to do this anymore” it rips my heart apart hes just like me fr. it also comes back to the transport episode, where hes like “well the song wasnt that great but at least it was funny. nobody gets TOO hurt by these songs and stuff so who cares? why leave?” i think hes always thought this way, the reason he says “i dont want to do this ANYMORE” is because suddenly the world has shifted. suddenly things are much more sinister and make even less sense. suddenly he is in genuine danger, and he isnt coming back this time. things have gone too far now, and he tries tearing down reality itself to get out, but unfortunately hes just not strong enough.

i also like to think that the food is singing about red guy the whole time, not actually food, and how he deserves punishment, and if you end up like him youll be punished too (which is exactly what happens to duck for answering the phone) “the bad, not-healthy foods are very rude! and must leave through the catflap!” isnt that what red guy did? he wandered too far and saw what he shouldnt have so he was sent away. also the steak says “you need to know whats right from wrong” which doesnt go with the rest of the song at all and seems to be directed at duck specifically. it seems more like theyre trying to keep duck and yellow guy in line rather than teach them about food. when they say “you shouldnt eat food from a strangers plate” considering the previous lyrics and the context before the chanting i think theyre talking about not believing what youre told by “strangers” (aka the non-teacher characters) theyre saying not to listen to whatever red guy is trying to say, to not answer the phone, to not end up like him. or at least thats what i think anyway.

lastly, the ending. yellow guy sitting in the kitchen alone, in the dark, covered in blood while the phone loudly rings is probably the most haunting part of the series to me. remember what i said about not being scared? well i LIED. this scene specifically still scares the fuck out of me. it fills me with genuinely painful dread. the scene where he looks over at the phone, hearing it but not getting up to answer it and letting it ring until red guy gives up is heartbreaking. im not sure if yellow guy even knows what’s happening in this scene, but hes been taught by now to NOT ANSWER THE PHONE. so he doesnt. and the teachers leave him alone with the phone because theyre confident he wont answer it. and theyre right. it breaks my heart just looking at it. in the next episode he ends up fighting back just like duck did, but just like duck, he cant truly do anything. it really puts into perspective how powerless all three of them are. god it ruins me. all they wanted was to know what the biggest thing in the world was, and now theyve been torn apart for wandering too far. cries and sobs

#dhmis #dhmis fandom #dhmis duck #dhmis red guy #duck guy #red guy #duck dhmis #dhmis analysis #yellow guy #yellow guy dhmis #dhmis yellow guy #dont hug me im scared #dhmis healthy band #dhmis food gang #dhmis tv show #dhmis web series #dhmis 5

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starburstfloat · 3 months

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Let's Talk Innuendos and Queer Subtext: TXT's Poppin' Star Lyrics Analysis

One of the joys of making progress in my Korean language journey has been the ability to analyze lyrics more critically by dissecting tone, word choice, or rhyme schemes that would have otherwise slipped by me a few years ago. And as someone who has a deep love for literary analysis and kpop, there's an unparalleled joy in getting to bridge the two together. I'm happy I have this space to do that. So without further ado, let's take a look at TXT's Poppin' Star from their first full-length album, The Dream Chapter: Magic (thank you nika for requesting this!).

This song feels like a sonic representation of this memefied image:

It's literally bubblegum pop at its finest. It sounds sparkly, cute, uplifting, and deceptively adorable, and anyone who has seen the choreography can attest to watching the video with a ridiculous smile on their face.

I could give high praise endlessly about this underrated early TXT Bside, but I wanted to prioritize the lyrics for this post! We're going to talk about the superficial meaning of the song before we dissect some of the more suggestive, metaphorical elements. Heads up I'll be mentioning sexual innuendos, so if that's not your cup of tea then please kindly leave.

My goal is to get you to see that, at the very least, this song is not just about eating candy. Whether or not we agree on the queer subtext is another debate, but I'm hoping this analysis post can be a lesson on interpreting figurative language and grasping inneundos.

Whenever I do analysis, I always start with the surface level face-value of what's being presented, and then I try to peel the layers and discern the underlying themes or suggested connotations based on context clues. Usually I leave out the initial face-value in my posts because it's something so obvious that it feels contradictory to present it. But it feels relevant to include for Poppin' Star. So what is the face-value meaning of the song when we look at the lyrics as a whole?

On the surface, this song appears to be about a young male protagonist who experiences a burst of emotions - dizzying warmth, sweetness, and a clouded brain - after he eats a variety of flavored candies. He states that he is not satisfied with the burst of flavor he's experiencing - now that he knows this intense feeling, he's craving more.

cr. color coded lyrics (though I'm cross referencing multiple translations and using my own knowledge of individual words and tonal conjugations to understand the song)

It doesn't take much of an analytical eye to catch the innuendo presented in Poppin' Star. What exactly is an innuendo? An innuendo is an allusive hint to something typically sexual. The keyword here is hint - it's something you pick up on based on subtly provocative language. Critics could argue that "your brain must be in the gutter" if you find sexual context where there is supposedly none. I'd say blaming the observer for a sexual interpretation is disrespectful to the art in question. Inneundos are meant to be spotted and discussed - they have the potential to heighten the art and unveil a greater message. Just because something is sexual does not mean it is bad.

Now that we have that cleared, it's pertinent to reflect on the surface value of the lyrics in contrast to the glaring inneundo jumping out at the audience. Let's look at the opening lyrics together:

One look at the lyrics, and you'll raise your eyebrows and go, "Really? You sampled a mouthful of candy and can't stop talking about how you're tingling all over, feel dizzy, and are melting from the sweetness?" The song's lyrics and language is quite figurative: the audience is guided to see beyond the literal meaning.

If we break down the individual feelings our protagonist shares, it sounds reminiscient of a first kiss or sexual experience. Considering how strongly the lyrics center on oral pleasure (oral as in the literal sense of the mouth), the rightfully assummed metaphor here is kissing. Let's look at all the instances where the song connects pleasure to the mouth:

별가루 가득 물면 느껴지는 불꽃놀이일까? / (Is this) fireworks that I feel when I bite a whole mouthful of stardust?

입 안을 채운 콕콕 따끔한 이 느낌은 또 / This tingling feeling that has filled my mouth

혀끝에 건전지 / A battery at the tip of my tongue

Our protagonist talks extensively about the pleasure in his mouth in correlation to feeling dizzy, warm, fuzzy, electrified, and excited - all feelings heavily associated with heightened sexual experiences, and notably kissing.

A striking detail is the fact that our protagonist is not alone during the story - he's actively talking to another person, meaning he's not literally eating candy by himself and getting an explosive sugar rush as the superficial interpretation insinuates. We notice this from the opening line which calls to a direct "you":

짜릿한 정전기 you’re popping star / Electrifying static, you're popping star.

Not only is this a reference to the title, making it an important detail to note, but it's also inviting the audience into acknowledging the relevant prescence of another character, some unnamed you. He goes on to say:

머리가 띵하게 기분 좋은 my love / Making my head feel dizzy, that good feeling, my love

He's directly saying "my love," so this person is clearly special to him. This person is his popping star - someone who evokes all of these explosive, tingling feelings.

The chorus is riddled with suggestive language: "This isn't enough / I need something stronger / A chew full of lemon, lime, orange, yeah / I need more, more, more / A stronger popping / A chew full of lemon, lime, orange, yeah"

Our protagonist is craving more flavor as he seeks a pleasure high. My interpretation is that the other character is wearing flavored chaptstick, perhaps fruit-flavored or candy-flavored, and our protagonist wants to taste more of the character's lips. Another interpretation is that they're both chewing on flavored gum, and when they kiss, the flavors blend together in a satisfying burst. Both feel plausible to me. The chorus suggests a kiss through the explosive repetition of surprised "oh's" that the members sing. It's hard to explain without hearing it, so skip to 0:48 in the song to catch what I mean. The explosive instrumental paired with the high-pitched oh's feels representative of an epiphany, or at least a heightened emotional state.

Perhaps one of the most glaringly suggestive parts of the song is Beomgyu's line after the first chorus, where he says:

잠깐 쉬어갈 땐 slime vacation / When (I) take a short break, slime vacation

This implies he's taking a break from exchanging slime, or saliva, with the aforementioned "you". Keep in mind that Korean sentences don't always need an explicit subject, so it's unclear whether Beomgyu is saying "When I take a short break" or "When we take a short break". However, later in the song, during a critical moment that I'll get to shortly, Yeonjun explicitly mentions the pronoun 우리 (we/us) which means we can assume this whole candy-tasting fiasco is, at the very least, a pleasure-seeking high that our protagonist is doing with someone by his side.

The kissing metaphor is more strongly suggested when Taehyun says:

어제 했던 건 벌써 지루해 / The things that (I did/were done) yesterday are already boring

더 더 더 강한 popping이 필요해 / I need a stronger popping

which tells me the song is self-aware enough to recognize it's not just about eating candy. Why would yesterday's candy be described as "the things that were done yesterday"? I also find it interesting that he's using the verb 지루하다 instead of 심심하다 when mentioning boredom. Both of these verbs mean "to be bored", but 심심하다 refers to boredom through a lack of action, whereas 지루하다 has the connotation of being bored by something because you've been doing it for a prolonged time; as in, you're getting physically tired of it. So, Taehyun is saying that the stuff he did yesterday has become repetitive and tiring, and he's now seeking a stronger high. Very suggestive language.

There's a line from Heuningkai that really stands out towards the latter half of the song. He goes:

가끔은 조금 위험해도 돼 / Sometimes it can be a little dangerous

엄마 몰래 자물쇠를 열어봐 / Open the lock without my mom knowing

The conjugation here is very interesting!! He uses the 아/어도 되다 pattern at the end of the adjective for "dangerous", which is a conjugation used to give permission for something. So, rather than him stating the fact that it's dangerous, he's giving permission to the speaker to be a little dangerous. It's a subtle nod at him approving risky behavior, so perhaps a better translation would be "it's alright if sometimes it's a bit dangerous".

"Open the lock" reminds me of Soobin's verse in Sugar Rush Ride:

, which I interpret as a more blatantly sexual inneundo for losing one's virginity. I don't think Poppin Star implies more than kissing, but asking someone to open your lock without your mom knowing, and engaging in risky behavior, appears symbolic to doing something you wouldn't want your mom to see, so at the very least it's suggestive language.

This interpretation aligns with the direct album overview provided by Bighit, which states that "The Dream Chapter: MAGIC tells the story of 'magical adventures' that boys encounter together with their friends [...] the boys share their transformation, confusion and exploding emotions that arise during their transition to adolescence." Notice that the official statement itself says that the album centers on a boy and his friends as they transition into adolescence. Interesting.

I'd be happy to leave the analysis there and say, "See? The song is clearly an innuendo", but then the writers toss in the gayest shit during the last third of the song that forces the audience to pause and reinterpret.

Yeonjun and Taehyun sing the following lines:

이건 어쩌면 나라에서 허락한 / Maybe this is something that the country has allowed

우리끼리만 숨겨둔 유일한 / Something we have kept hidden just among us

자 아무에게나 허락된 게 아냐 / Alright, it's not allowed to just anyone

입안 가득 터뜨려 / Burst a mouthful

The verb used here is 허락하다 which means to allow, permit, or approve. Talking about what your country allows in connotation to something you've kept hidden among the two of you…feels queer-coded. Especially when the rest of the song has been dedicated to pursuing a thrill from "my love", a pursuit which they acknowledge is intimately private given the line "without my mom knowing". Why bring up what's allowed in your country in a song that centers on a boy seeking pleasure? The last line is odd too - it's conjugated as a command, so our protagonist is telling us, the audience, that we should pop a mouthful of the candy too. In connection to the line above it, it's implied that he knows popping the candy aka kissing his love is not allowed for everyone, but he's encouraging others to try. Adding to the intrigue is the fact that they repeat the last two lines again, but change the command to 입안 가득 터뜨려 봐 which is a less forceful command and more like "Give it a try".

If the song truly were just about candy, talking about what your country allows and who is allowed to do it feels very out of place and strange. This, paired with the striking fixation on oral pleasure makes me believe the song is about a boy kissing his friend, and it's been a fun, exciting little secret between the two of them.

It doesn't feel like an exaggeration to find queer subtext here. If you're an avid TXT fan, you'll know their songs are very queer-coded, from 0x1=lovesong having the most blatant thematic connection (I still regularly think about Soobin's "I can't go to heaven, I don't belong there" line) alongside Sugar Rush Ride, which suggests we "swallow the sugar rush"....sir, swallow what exactly??!

I hope this could spark your interest and see the lyrics from a new perspective. Sorry not sorry if this burst your innocent perception of the song...like I said, it sounds deceptively adorable 😂 let me know your thoughts and thanks for reading!

#lyrics analysis #txt lyrics #txt poppin star #kpop discourse #tomorrow x together #yeonjun #soobin #beomgyu #taehyun #heuningkai #txt moa

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seangelfish · 1 month

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OCEAN WAVES

"If only I could go back, I would hold you so you won't be apart from me. For even a moment, I would give you my everything." (Day6 – I Would)

Kanata Yatonokami x reader

➥ Tags & warnings: Angst (no comfort but open to interpretation), suicide attempt, established relationship, she/her pronouns, reader neglect, misunderstandings, a lot of tears.

➥ Word count: 2,590

➥ Synopsis: Despite how long you've been together, you feel like nothing in your relationship is improving. After putting up with so much of his shit, you finally realise that you're no longer happy with him anymore.

A/N: PLEASE listen to 'I Would' by Day6 whilst reading this. It's the song that inspired me to write this in the first place! It also makes the fic more depressing, hehe~ I have so many Kanata angst drafts, it's not even funny. I love him sooo much, but I also love Kanata angst. He deserves the world though.

Please do tell me what you think of the fic! (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)♡ I would love to know everyone's reactions!

The twins looked at you, stunned. Rapid tears rolled down your cheeks as you spilled everything out. Despite how much they were mean to you sometimes, you kept a happy facade and gave them countless chances in hopes of being accepted by them one day - properly accepted because even when they allowed you into their home, into their lives, every so often, they would treat you like someone they didn't want around in the first place.

But what made things worse was that you were dating one of them.

"I don't understand why you still treat me this way!" you screamed. "Why are you still so mean to me? What did I ever do to you?!"

You weren't a sensitive person, but trauma isn't something so kind. You had gone through this before – being bullied. You didn't care if a stranger was mean to you, they're nobodies after all. Harsh words from them would graze your skin, nothing like a bandage wouldn't fix. But harsh words from a loved one? Someone you adored and trusted? It was like being stabbed by a knife disguised as a bouquet of flowers.

And those flowers were withering quickly.

"(Y-Y/N), s-slow down," Nayuta started, eyeing his brother whose whole body was trembling. "I'm so sorry, w-we didn't–"

"What's the point in even being here anymore?" you hissed, interrupting whatever he had to say. You unlocked their door, slamming it shut before running away.

"(Y/N)!"

They had each other, but you only had yourself. You moved to Japan on your own with the dreams of studying and working there. Everything was amazing and new to you, but also extremely lonely and overwhelming. There were times when you were so exhausted that you couldn't focus on studying at all. You'd isolate yourself in your room feeling homesick, starving yourself as you had no appetite to eat. There were even times when you just wanted to give up on your dreams and go home.

Yet that day when you got lost in the slums to university, that day you met Kanata had changed everything.

But maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't have gotten lost that day – you shouldn't have moved to Japan at all.

Carefully, you placed your shoes neatly on the sand. Then slowly, you approached the water.

You fell too hard for him – for Yatonokami Kanata – that it stung and left bruises. You had hoped that by time, he'd show a softer side of himself. When you thought that he would, he would regress to his cold demeanour, leaving you feeling even more confused and unwanted. Then why? Why did he accept your feelings? Why did he confess those same feelings to you that day too?

Your chin hit the water. All you could see ahead of you was a pitch-black sky, empty and soulless with no sign of a single star shining. As you continued moving ahead, your hearing became muffled and you could no longer hear the wind blowing those melancholic melodies.

Nor could you hear your name being cried out. Those anguished cries, the way he didn’t think twice before running in to save you. You couldn’t even hear the splashes of the water. The only thing you could hear was bubbling, the way the water gradually filled the inside of your ears.

But before anything serious could happen, you felt his hands on you, dragging you hastily away from the abyss.

His heart was racing as he panicked to get you back to shore. Once the two of you hit the sand again, you coughed out a few mouthfuls, and he held you so tight that you could feel his hands digging into your skin.

But you didn't care.

Nothing mattered anymore.

You stayed in his arms, letting him hold you as much as he wanted. You didn't care. You let him cry on your shoulder, and scream out his apologies. You just didn't care. There was nothing to care about anymore because caring so much had led to this.

"(Y/N), I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." he would constantly repeat as tears streamed down his face. "I'm so sorry..."

Eyes as empty as the midnight sky, you stared at his lilac hair embedded with the turquoise underside that you loved so much.

"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... I don't know why I acted that way towards you..." he cried miserably. "I bet you felt so alone... I'm sorry... I shouldn't have done that... I should've loved you properly..."

You didn't want to listen, but you had to. His voice was so hoarse from screaming, but he still wanted to give you the apology you truly deserved and wanted. Even if it was too late for apologies, he still wanted to fix things – to fix you in any little way he could.

Kanata had taken in every word you yelled at him and his brother before you ran to the seashore. He never knew you felt this way as you were always so happy-go-lucky, always so upbeat, but the realisation had hit him as memories he had forgotten flashed into his mind.

And for the first time, he saw things from your perspective.

"Kanata, I'm bored..." you whined playfully. "Please can we do something together? Why don't we go to that place–"

"Sorry, but can't you see that I'm busy?!" he quickly snapped. "I can't half-ass this song."

You were startled by this but nodded understandingly.

"O-Oh, right! Yes! S-Sorry."

You smiled, but your heart had sunk to your stomach. But you could easily get over that! He was busy after all. It was your fault for even speaking in times like that. Maybe the two of you could go on a date next time!

You remained seated on the windowsill, hands clasped together as you stared at the floor of their rundown apartment.

Why didn't he just go with you? The two of you rarely went on dates unless it was you initiating them. It would've been nice to take you out on his initiative this time, but alas, that didn't happen, and he regretted it badly.

What happened after that was something he didn't remember, but he really hoped you didn't cry yourself to sleep about it. All he remembered was that you left earlier than usual.

"Hey, (Y/N)! Why don't you join us?" suggested Nayuta when the three of you bumped into each other at the mall. "You'd like that, wouldn't you, Kanata~?"

At the time, you had rejected Nayuta's proposal because you didn't want to disturb the twins on their shopping trip together, but Kanata insisted that you come along anyway.

However, it seemed like you were tagging along on your own accord.

"Hey, Kanata. Doesn't this look cool?!" Nayuta uttered as he showed his brother a bomber jacket he had found.

Kanata agreed. "Do you want to buy that one?" he asked. "It looks good on you."

From a distance, you watched them with a smile on your face. The brothers were having so much fun shopping together that you didn't have the heart to insert yourself into any of their conversations. Plus you believed that if you did, they would just brush you off.

You supposed you could look around the store by yourself to find an outfit you liked.

"Ah, (Y/N), there you are," said Kanata. "Check this one out."

"It suits you!" you replied.

"Haha, right?"

You thought he was going to pay attention to you this time, so when you found a dress that caught your eye, you chirped, "Wow, this dress is so pretty! Kanata, don't you think–"

But he was no longer by your side anymore.

You chuckled in embarrassment before putting the dress back on the rack. You didn't need it anyway. Plus, you didn't have that much cash on you; you were only at the mall to run errands.

But you really did want that dress. It was pretty and it was your style! You hoped it would still be there the next time you visited.

Unfortunately, it wasn't.

The worst part of that memory that Kanata came to remember was that he did hear you call out his name, and he did hear you talk about a pretty dress. But he was so preoccupied with all the stuff Nayuta was putting in their basket, he didn't come to you quicker.

When he finally turned around, you had left the dresses section to regroup with him and Nayuta. You were bright and smiley, so he didn't think it mattered to you. He should've trusted his gut feeling though. After all, he found that dress pretty too.

Those were the only two memories he came by, but deep down, he knew there were more instances where he made you sad. If only you had shown it, but at the same time, it would've been better if he caught on to your subtle yet loud reactions.

"(Y/N), I'm so sorry…" he cried. "I should've treated you better… I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…"

You didn't respond, but you did find yourself gripping onto his soggy shirt. Even after all of this, a part of you still wanted to be held by him – the boy you loved. Kanata didn't hug you often because he found it embarrassing, so you were the only one in the relationship who initiated physical touch. But there were times when he did hold you, those times where you wished it happened more.

"(Y/N)! Kanata! Are you two okay?!" you could hear Nayuta yell. "Come on, let's go back! We need to get (Y/N) back home and..."

You chose to ignore those words as you singled in on the ocean waves' rumbles.

The twins carried you back to their home as it would be easier to keep an eye on you if you were to attempt again.

Kanata filled up the bathtub and gently urged you to get inside. You obeyed without hesitation like you always did, but you wouldn't look at him once. Those eyes that used to admire him and sparkle were now so soulless that it broke his heart.

The two of you were silent as he helped you wash up. It was the first time he ever did something like this, but neither of you cared whether he saw you naked. The sadness in your hearts made it unbearable to feel anything else.

When he was finished, he wrapped you in a towel. As he held you close, you could hear his heartbeat, fast and unsteady. You let him hold onto you for a while, but it wasn't as if Kanata had never comforted you before, you just never experienced something so intimate like this with him. It was a shame that you were being treated like this now – on the day you nearly ended your life.

As he helped you put on some spare clothes, he tried looking into your eyes, but even when you were staring right back at his violet ones, he couldn't find the girl you used to be.

"Here, (Y/N)... drink up," said Nayuta, offering you a mug of hot chocolate, something that the twins both knew you liked. "I'm sorry, (Y/N)... I should've been nicer to you too. You did nothing wrong; remember that, okay? I'm really sorry..."

You accepted the drink, but it took you a while to put your lips on the rim. By the time you drank it, it was already cold.

It was 2am now, and Kanata had you wrapped in his arms. He was still crying, but the stream of your tears had already dried up. So you just laid there, unmoving.

The two of you knew that once he and his brother fell asleep, you'd be gone by the morning.

"Kanata," you uttered. It was the first word you said after the attempt. "Let's take a break..."

He dreaded those words, but it was bound to happen after tonight. He didn't answer though. He never wanted to lose you in the first place. He never thought it would ever happen. He had lost his brother once and was lucky to have him back, but he had nearly lost you too. He didn't know how he would react if he was just a second late to saving you.

"I'm sorry... for being an annoyance..." you murmured.

"You don't need to apologise for anything! You never were an annoyance. I was just an asshole!"

"Kanata..."

"..."

You found yourself gripping onto his shirt again, but this time, the fabric was dry and soft.

"I'm sorry for doing that," you continued. "I wasn't right in the head. Don't worry about me though. I won't try that again, but... don't go looking for me either."

He didn't know what to say, but he was confused when you started giggling to yourself.

"Hehe, this feels nice," you said as a tear rolled down your cheek. "We never got to cuddle like this in bed before... I wish we did that more–"

But you couldn't help it. The dam you had closed off suddenly burst open, and you started wailing loudly on his chest. Nayuta watched you two from the couch, his heart clenching too.

It wasn't the first time you got to sleep with him on his worn-out futon, but you were never this close. When the two of you did sleep together, he kept his distance. Even when you wanted him to be closer, he never dared move an inch.

"Hic... didn't you love me?" you said slowly as big, hot tears fell from your eyes.

"(Y/N)... Of course, I loved you..." he replied sadly. "I still do..."

A forced giggle escaped your lips again. "Okay..." you muttered, sniffing.

You wrapped your arms around his body, reciprocating the embrace. It was the last time you were ever going to see him again anyway, so you might as well do this.

When sunrise came, Kanata found the bed empty as he had expected. In your place, a note was left behind. He didn't want to read it because he knew that all he was going to get out of it was even more tears. However, he didn't want to throw it away either. He wanted to keep a piece of you even if it was a goodbye letter.

Kanata, I hope that in another universe, we would still be together.

After all, I don't think I'll ever get over you.

He sighed, trying to keep his tears inside his eyes. He had cried enough, but it didn't seem to be enough.

If only he could go back to that day, to just have one more day with you, he would hold you again.

And for even a moment, he would have given you everything you wanted, no matter the price, he just wanted you back in his arms.

What neither of you remembered was that after the twins' shopping trip that day, Kanata had gone back into the store.

"Did you forget something?" Nayuta questioned.

"Yeah," he replied. "It's nothing though–"

"Haha, let me see."

In the bag, a new purchase was made. Kanata had bought the dress you were eyeing before.

"Why didn't you buy that for her earlier? (Y/N) just left."

It was Kanata's first time being in love, so he was the most inexperienced boy out there, but still, he loved you.

Even though he had wasted his chances.

"I'm not sure... Do you think she'd still be happy if I give this to her?"

Intro page | Paradox Live masterlist | Request rules I do not give permission to copy/reupload my fics/work.

#paradox live x reader #paralive x reader #kanata yatonokami x reader #kanata yatonokami x reader angst

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sisterspooky1013 · 6 months

Text

Gaslight, Chapter 9/48

Rated X | Read it here on AO3

“Ruth told me you requested an emergency appointment. Did something happen?”

Dana wrings her hands in her lap, blinking rapidly against her dry, weary eyes. As per usual, Michelle waits until she is ready to speak.

“Yes. I mean…not really. I don’t know,” she says haltingly, then runs her hands over her unmade face.

“Would you like to tell me about it?”

Dana sighs, shifting in her seat and deciding where to begin.

“My daughter said something to me that—it’s hard to explain, but it threw me off. And then I heard this song—I think it’s the song from my dream, the one about the man. I think it’s the song that was playing when I was with him. And I just feel so…I feel so lost.”

Her throat tightens and she drops her head, breathing deeply to stave off tears.

“What was it that your daughter said?” Michelle asks, flipping through her notes. “Abigail, right?”

“Yes, Abby,” Dana confirms. “She said something about her other mother. Her mother from before. She asked me if her other mother was going to come back.”

Michelle’s eyebrows lift, and her mouth falls open slightly.

“And how do you interpret that?” she asks after a beat.

“I don’t know,” Dana says, exasperated. “Maybe she means me, before my accident. Or maybe there was another woman in her life I don’t know about or don’t remember. Or maybe it doesn’t mean anything. I don’t know, but it’s just one more missing piece.”

Michelle nods, considering her.

“Have you started your new prescription, Dana?” she asks.

“Yes,” Dana answers with a sigh. “I started it the evening after our last appointment.”

“And have you been dreaming?”

“No, actually. Not the last couple nights. Not even after I heard the song.”

“I think we should adjust your medication again. I’m going to send over a prescription right now. Can you pick it up on your way out?”

Dana narrows her eyes, confused.

“I’ve only been taking the new dose for two days. That seems a bit soon to change it again,” she observes, and Michelle crosses her hands neatly in her lap.

“I understand that you’re a doctor, Dana, but memory care isn’t your specialty. These drugs are fast-acting, and based on your clear distress, I think an adjustment is necessary,” she says sternly.

“Of course, I didn’t mean to overstep,” Dana replies.

“Let’s set up another appointment in a few days, okay? This kind of setback isn’t atypical, and I don’t want you to worry. Let’s just keep a close eye on it so we can get you back to normal soon, all right?”

“Okay,” Dana agrees as she stands, though the idea of normal feels so foreign that it’s hard to imagine. “Thank you for seeing me.”

“Of course,” Michelle says as she walks her to the door.

Dana is passing through the waiting area when Michelle stops her.

“Oh, Dana,” she calls out. “I’m not sure if you’re aware, but the pharmacy here carries all kinds of basic necessities. Tylenol, Midol, Loratadine. They even have children’s vitamins, if you need anything like that at home.”

A little chill tickles Dana’s spine and she shivers involuntarily.

“Thanks,” she says, then heads to the pharmacy.

That night, she barely sleeps. She does not dream.

She watches two blue jays swooping through the yard. They take from the feeder, then dive down to the ground, swapping places over and over like a choreographed dance. They seem to be working as a team, yet also completely independently of one another. Eat and swoop. Eat and swoop.

“Dana?”

“Hm?” she looks over to see Cal watching her with a perplexed expression.

“I said thanks for picking up vitamins for the kids,” he repeats, and she nods with a thin smile. “You okay, mija?”

“Yes, I’m sorry. I haven’t been sleeping well,” she admits, tightening her grip on her coffee mug.

Cal crosses the kitchen with a little smirk, standing right beside her as he fills his mug.

“I can probably help you out with that,” he whispers, quiet enough so the kids won’t hear him, then bumps her hip with his own.

She forces a smile, and when Cal holds out his open palm to dispense her Numerol, she takes it from him, as well as three quick kisses.

“Today will be a better day, okay?” he says hopefully, and she nods once.

She bids farewell to Cal and Peter, then walks Abby to the bus. Abby prattles on about sea urchins and The Little Mermaid, and it’s only when they are at the stop and she can hear the rumble and screech of the bus approaching from down the block that she has a chance to ask.

“Hey, Sweetpea, do you remember when you talked about your other mommy? From before?” she says casually.

“Ummmmm, maybe,” Abby says, walking circles around the stop sign post.

“What do you remember about her?” Dana asks.

“She was big!” Abby says emphatically. “And she had a black dress and her face was purple.”

“Purple?” Dana repeats.

“Yep, purple skin and white hair, and she hated King Triton and Ariel,” the child says animatedly.

Dana heaves a sigh that is part relief, part irritation.The bus stops in front of them and the door swings open.

“Have a good day, Sweetpea. Watch out for any nefarious eels,” she says to the child, kissing her cheek before she steers her toward the bus.

“What’s a neffyrus?!” Abby says dubiously, then boards the bus and waves from behind the window.

Dana watches it pull away, her hands tucked into the pockets of her jacket. When it’s rounded the corner out of sight, she takes out the little white pill Cal had given her and studies it.

She remembers something her father told her once, when she was struggling to reconcile what she knew and what she felt.

“Don’t discount your gut, Starbuck. Sometimes it’s the most well-calibrated tool in the toolbox.”

She returns the pill to her pocket and heads to work.

“You should have seen the look on his face, Dana,” Tiffany says, smiling devilishly. “I could hear him from outside the room being an absolute dick to Destiny, demanding to see the doctor. Imagine his surprise when my black ass walks in. Saving lives is great, but I think that may have been even better, honestly.”

“I can only imagine,” Dana replies. “I had a patient once in med school who refused to be seen by me. He kept saying he wanted to see ‘a real doctor,’ but he was more than happy to be treated by one of my male classmates. Some of them would truly rather die, I suppose.”

“And good riddance to ‘em,” Tiffany adds.

They return to their work, logging patient notes between bites of mushy pasta salad from the cafeteria. Dana reaches into her pocket for a pen and feels the compact edges of the pill brush against her fingertips. She’s been carrying it around all day, examining it as though she’ll suddenly notice something out of place or find the answer to a question she hasn’t figured out how to ask. She rolls it between her thumb and forefinger, pondering.

“What is with this tox screen?” Tiffany grumbles, flipping through pages with frustration. “No wonder they take so long to turn anything around down there, running all this shit I didn’t ask for.”

A thought begins to take shape, gathering volume like a snowball tumbling downhill. It would be a misuse of resources, something worthy of discipline were she to be found out. And yet, she finds herself writing the script in her head, forming responses and rebuttals.

“Have you ever sent something through the lab off the books?” she asks offhandedly, her eyes on her computer screen.

There’s a long pause, and she can feel Tiffany looking at her.

“Not personally, no, though I can’t imagine it would be difficult to do. Why do you ask?”

Dana flashes her eyes up to her coworker. She wants to trust her, feels like she has no choice but I’m to, and at the same time she isn’t entirely sure that she can rely on her own instincts right now.

“I think the pharmacy made a mistake with my medication,” Dana says, fabricating the lie as it leaves her lips. “They won’t admit to it, so the only way to know for sure is to have it analyzed.”

“You should be able to just run that through,” Tiffany says nonchalantly. “I don’t think you need to be all covert about it, double-oh-seven.”

Dana laughs along, but her belly twists.

“I use the in-house pharmacy,” she explains. “I just—I don’t want to piss them off. It’s so convenient to be able to pick things up at work.”

“Dr. Robbie is kind of a prick,” Tiffany agrees. “I could see him holding a grudge.”

Dana breathes a little sigh of relief.

“How would I go about that, then? Running it through the lab off the books?”

“Well, you could put it in with another sample, but that runs the risk that the result will be tied to your patient and get them into a whole big mess, depending on what it is. I do know a tech down there that seems to be sweet on me. Maybe I could ask him for a favor,” Tiffany suggests.

“That would be great, if it’s not too much trouble. Is there something I can do in return, pick up a shift or take a difficult patient?” Dana asks, trying not to sound too eager about the whole thing.

“Nah, it’s no big deal. It might be kinda fun to see if I still got it,” Tiffany replies as she stands from her desk and pops her hip out dramatically.

Dana smiles, dropping the pill into a plastic baggie and handing it over.

“Thank you, I really appreciate it,” she says sincerely, meeting Tiffany’s eye.

Alone in the office, she feels a pit form in her stomach, accompanied by a sense of dread. She finds herself praying that the results come back and indicate that the pill is exactly what it’s supposed to be: fifteen milligrams of Numerol. But she’s been praying since the day she woke up in the hospital that things would get better, that her life would start making sense. And if the past predicts the future, this too is a prayer that will go unanswered.

“Dr. Rose, I have a patient for you in bed three.”

Dana checks her watch, calculating how much time she has before she’ll be home too late to get Abby off the bus.

“Do you have the chart?” she asks the nurse, then flips through the details quickly as she makes her way down the hall. 67 year old male, presenting with arrhythmia and shortness of breath.

When she pulls the curtain back, she is hit with the funk of stale cigarettes. An elderly man is sitting up in the bed, blankets draped across his lap and a blue hospital gown covering his chest and shoulders. He smiles at her, and the familiarity in it makes her immediately uncomfortable for reasons she can’t articulate.

“Mr. Kennedy,” she says, reading off his chart. “My name is Dr. Rose. I understand that your heartbeat is irregular and you’re having a hard time breathing.”

“Yes,” he says eagerly, touching his chest. “Just the years catching up to me, I suppose.”

He has hooded, watery blue eyes and deep-set wrinkles framing his mouth. The kinds of wrinkles you earn by puckering your lips around the filter of a cigarette hundreds or thousands of times.

“Let’s have a listen,” Dana says, keeping her tone as business-like as possible to discourage him from being overly friendly with her.

She presses the stethoscope to his chest and looks at her watch as she measures his heart rate, then motions for him to lean forward and holds the stethoscope against his back as she listens to his lungs. His heart rate is normal and healthy for a man of his age, but his lungs sound rhonchi and wheezy. Nicotine comes off him in waves, stinging her eyes, and she moves away to sanitize her hands and her stethoscope to remove the smell.

“Do you smoke, Mr. Kennedy?” she asks flatly, and he chuffs a little laugh that devolves into a coughing fit.

“A bit, yes,” he finally rasps out.

“I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but I recommend quitting,” she says, leaning against the counter furthest from his bed. “If you’re not able to quit, you should at least consider cutting back. You’re taking years off your life each time you open a new pack.”

“Ah,” the old man says with a contrite bob of his head. “You sound like my son. He’s always telling me to quit. It’s hard when you’re an old man. I don’t have many pleasures left in life.”

“You should listen to him,” Dana says as she makes notes in his chart. “I’m going to order albuterol to help alleviate the inflammation in your airways. It’s a breathing treatment we can administer here at the hospital, but we’ll also send you home with enough for the next week. I’m also going to refer you to cardiology. Your heart sounds fine right now, but they may want to set you up with a monitor so they can track changes over time. Do you have any questions?”

“Sure, do you know any single women who might be interested in a gentleman of my regard?” he says cheekily, and she intentionally does not reward him with eye contact.

“I think you should focus on your health, Mr. Kennedy,” she says blandly.

“I’m a lonely man, Dana.”

Her hearing cuts out for just a split second, a brief ring slowly replaced by the hustle and bustle and mechanical beeps of the hospital floor. She slowly lifts her head and finds him watching her curiously.

“Excuse me?” she says, feeling disoriented.

“Dana, right? It says so right there on your badge,” he points out, and she touches her hospital ID reflexively.

“Dr. Rose, please,” she corrects him, and he holds up his hands in deference.

“My apologies, Dr. Rose. Thank you for your time,” the man says, and she escapes from his cigarette soaked room with an unnecessary level of urgency.

Get Abby from the bus. Pick up Peter from daycare. Snacks. Playtime. Start dinner. Welcome Cal home from work. Bathtime. Bedtime. Pretend to read a book while her mind races in a hundred different directions. Tell Cal she has a headache, maybe tomorrow. Lie awake and think. Think. THINK.

The song. The man. The green countertops. The old smoker. “I’m a lonely man, Dana.” The pills. The pills. THE PILLS. Try to sleep. Fail. No dreams, no nothing. It’s like a black hole swallowed her mind, her memories. Her life.

Wake up. Wake Peter. Shower, get ready for work. Make the children breakfast. Drink coffee. Take Numerol from Cal. Wash it down the sink. Goodbye Cal, goodbye Peter. Walk Abby to the bus. Pretend to be mermaids. Feel like dying.

Drive to work. Play the song over and over and over. Now I find myself wanting to marry you and take you home. Take the east entrance, just to see. Nearly have a panic attack. Keep smelling the smoker around every corner. Keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Keep hoping it’s not as bad as it seems.

Tiffany rushes into the office, closing the door behind her and marching straight to Dana’s desk, where she drops a small stack of papers on the desktop with an irate expression.

“You wanna tell me what the fuck this is about?” Tiffany asks angrily, one hand on her hip.

Sleep deprived and on edge, Dana blinks at her stupidly and then begins to try and decipher the papers on her desk. Lab results. Inconclusive. Unknown substance.

“Is this about my medication?” she asks, flipping through the pages.

“You sure that was your medication you gave me, Dana?” Tiffany questions doubtfully. “Cause that pill sure as shit did not come from the St. Agnes pharmacy.”

“I don’t understand,” Dana says, shaking her head. “What was it?”

Tiffany considers her, and her expression falls a bit.

“You really don’t know?” she asks skeptically.

“I’m sorry if I’ve dragged you into something strange, Tiffany. But no, I really don’t know what it is, or where it came from. That’s what I was hoping to find out.”

Tiffany rolls the chair over from her desk and sits close beside Dana. She leafs through the pages, pointing at key fields as she speaks in a low tone.

“The first test he ran was totally inconclusive. It doesn’t match any medication we have in the system, even nationally. Now this man must really think he was gonna get somewhere with this lab result because he called in his buddy who does some back alley, unofficial freaky shit. And that friend got a hit on some secret government database for this chemical composition.”

“What is it?” Dana asks, her heart racing. She’s been putting this in her body every day for months.

“Something called—” Tiffany flips two pages and points to a summary. “Galophazine. It’s not FDA approved, that’s for damn sure.”

“What does it treat? What are the effects?”

“That wasn’t very clear,” Tiffany says, sitting back. “The friend could only deduce, based on the places it was referenced, that it has something to do with memory recall.”

Dana feels a flood of relief, and presses her hand to her chest to feel her own pounding heart begin to normalize.

“That’s good. That’s what it was prescribed for, to enhance memory recall. What I don’t understand is why my doctor would lie about the name of the medication.”

“I thought you said it was a pharmacy error,” Tiffany says, but then moves past it before Dana has a chance to respond. “But I don’t think this is meant to enhance memory recall. Whatever the friend saw, he came to the conclusion that this drug, Galophazine, is used to suppress long term memory recall. They were testing it out on war vets and people with childhood trauma.”

The earth beneath her feet is suddenly less stable, the air in her lungs thin. She feels lightheaded. She feels sick. If she was lost before, she’s now untethered. Detached. There is no home base to return to. Adrift. Adrift. Adrift.

“Dana?” Tiffany asks, and Dana realizes that Tiffany is touching her, shaking her arm gently. “Are you okay?”

“I—I think—”

She swallows against a bone dry throat, scans the room with untrusting eyes, considers the woman next to her. A stranger, perhaps. She has no way of knowing for sure.

“I don’t know.”

Tagging @today-in-fic

#the x files #x files fanfic #txf #dana scully #fox mulder #xf fanfic

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spellboundbat · 4 months

Text

Bullets & the Demolition Lovers

Hello everyone! Welcome to my analysis of the wonderful album 'I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love' by the band My Chemical Romance. This analysis consists of my interpretation of each song on the album, as well as the relationship they have with the Demolition Lovers. This is a project I started in the summer of 2023 as a way to better understand the story of the Demolition Lovers, whom I have loved since I proclaimed myself a fan of the band in 2021. It all began with a few videos on YouTube about Revenge (which I will recommend down below if someone is interested). I already knew the story of the Demolition Lovers, but only at a surface level. The videos introduced me to a deeper and more complete version of their story. This also opened the door to all the contradictions, theories, and interpretations that came with this story. I was so captivated by all of this that I decided to delve into this deep rabbit hole and create my own interpretation of the story, and that's how this first analysis was conceived (because there's still left Revenge's). This is a way to better understand this artistic product that I adore with all my heart and also to better comprehend the masterminds behind it. I hope you all enjoy it, both fans of the band and new people interested in this whole new world ♡ ☆SPANISH VERSION: https://spellboundbat.tumblr.com/private/738189905537220608/tumblr_3qij8SfTzrPPDo1BE

Disclaimer!

Although I will be providing verifiable sources with my statements (as well as clarifying when they are not 100% reliable), I will also be discussing subjective interpretations of the majority of the songs, which may be based on interpretations commonly accepted by the fandom or the artists, but that are ultimately guided by what I consider :D

Sources can be found throughout the entire analysis in keywords related to what is been talked about.

Sorry for repeating the word "song" 86 times, really, please accept my most sincere apologies.

This analysis is quite chaotic btw.

1. Romance

There's not much to analyze in this song. It's the album's intro. It barely lasts a minute and has no lyrics. It's an instrumental with a Spanish guitar played by Ray Toro. The song is a kind of adaptation of an even older 19th-century song called "Spanish Romance" or "Romance Anónimo" (or a thousand other names, there are too many names for this song).

Allegedly, the original piece appeared in the soundtrack of the movie Dawn of the Dead, and thanks to this, they included it here (the movie is very relevant to this album and to Gerard Way; it's one of his favorite movies, and later in the analysis, we'll notice more references). Now, I say 'allegedly' because I couldn't confirm this information. I found a group of people on Reddit talking about it, and even though I searched for the movie and the supposed time-stamp, I couldn't find it. But I trust the fans :D . So, we leave this information here.

2. Honey, this mirror isn’t big enough for the two of us.

Finally, let's begin, and with a quite strong one...

The narrator (our protagonist) begins by narrating his problems with alcohol and drugs, indicating a strong dependence on these substances. He also explains other self-destructive behaviors and routines, apparently he has been hanging out with ''friends'' who are not much of a good influence, a possible reference to vampires (we will touch on this topic later). In response to all of this, he states that this has been the life he has chosen and that he doesn't care about anything else anymore.

In addition to explaining all of this, it is implied that what he is narrating is part of a discussion with his partner, who does not seem to agree with his self-destructive behavior. They have many fights, and it's possible that this has become normal in their relationship.

Throughout the entire song, the protagonist keeps repeating these verses, but that seem to be antitheses of each other:

“And well, I find it hard to stay With the words you say Oh baby, let me in Oh baby, let me in’’

and,

“And you can cry all you want to I don't care how much You invest yourself in me We're not working out (we're not working out)’’

It's strange; these are two verses that come one right after the other, but nonetheless deliver two contradictory messages, right?

In one, it explains how, despite the pain caused by what his beloved is saying, he wants to enter and continue being part of her world, to continue the relationship. While the other has a tone of indifference, apathy, and insensitivity, revealing that no matter how much she tries, their relationship is not working.

But I feel that it is precisely these contradictory feelings that make this song so unique, soul-crushing and personal.

The protagonist's feelings are NOT coherent, and neither is his relationship. It's a turbulent relationship, just like everything else in his life.

After having dived into the vast world of super abusive couples (help), I started to notice that these kinds of strong and yet contradictory feelings are often recurring patterns. These relationships are not famous for their stability and coherence but for their explosiveness and codependency. I feel that this is what is explained here.

Our protagonist's life revolves around these themes: codependency and destruction, whether in his personal relationships or with what he consumes and the decisions he makes.

I forgot to mention that his beloved is cheating on him with his friends and HIS BROTHER, fjskahfsjkdhfjsdf...

But well, after so much elaborate analysis, we have the real and simplest interpretation from the author ¯\(ツ)/¯:

“This song is about sucking dick for cocaine.” Gerard Way, 2007

youtube

YOU'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT AS CANON, OK? ok...

3. Vampires will never hurt you

It's one of the first songs I heard from this album and one of my all-time favorites (for obvious reasons, *cough, cough* VAMPIRES *cough, cough*). And IT'S AMAZING, but kind of complex. I put a lot of effort into my draft analysis :D

ॐ ☆＊☆＊☆＊☆ ॐ

First, I would like to explain what the concept of "vampires" means in this album.

The vampires serve as a metaphor for toxic people in your life, bad influences who are only with you to take advantage of you. They are greedy and traitorous. This metaphor is not only explored in this album but in various eras of MCR (up to the present day :D !!!).

I mean, how could you not use vampires? They're very cool. According to a quote from an interview talking about 'Headfirst for Halos', Gerard says:

“That song [Headfirst for Halos] and ‘Vampires Will Never Hurt You’ both gave us a real sense of identity. They brought in the entire gothic thing. It was those songs that made people think we were a vampire band!”

And, being completely honest, that's very real. It happened to me too. That was one of the main reasons why I started liking this band djfksjdfkldsaf. LIKE, JUST LOOK AT THIS:

youtube

THEY WERE DRESSED AS VAMPIRES FOR THE OFFICIAL VIDEO!!!!

it looks like he doesn't even get old *sus*

TAKE A LOOK AT 2022 GERARD FCKING WAY. DARE I SAY, ICONIC. DID I FORGET TO MENTION THAT THE DUDE'S 46 YRS OLD?!?!?!?!?

...

Well, I've digressed, but we're back now...

Now, what happens in this song is as follows:

The story is once again set between a protagonist and his beloved.

He starts by telling his beloved that if "they" catch them, she should pierce his heart with a stake. He then wonders if the sun will tear their skin and if he will watch as the vampires rip her apart while biting and tearing their necks with their white and sharp fangs. He then desperately asks to be taken to a doctor or a church to extract his "poison" while begging his beloved to protect her own soul and, if necessary, to drive the stake through him.

I know all of this is too much, but don't worry, I'll explain it now.

For those who don't have much knowledge about vampires, everything narrated here are classic references to the stories of these beings.

First, the stake through the heart is a way to end vampires, which suggests that our protagonist has become one or is on the verge of becoming one (MEGA IMPORTANT FACT!!!). It is also mentioned how the sun is lethal for vampires (in most cases, because there are cases where they come out like a damn shiny Twilight vampire), and if humans find them and turn them into vampires and leave them in the sun, they will die.

Among other references, it is implied that both of them will die if she does not end it with him as soon as possible, as the monsters will only harm her if she stays with the protagonist.

In theory, that's what the song is about. It's like a classic horror story, with nods to our favorite blood-sucking monsters and it seems to end in tragedy (love it tho).

However, it gets more complicated and even better...

What I just described is the literal interpretation of this beautiful song. This song, like any form of art, can be analyzed literally (through text) or metaphorically (with interpretations and analyses of subtext, among other things). As I mentioned in my disclaimer, this is my interpretation of the song, based on the data I could gather and what I feel it conveys to me specifically.

Do you remember the meaning that vampires carry? Well, this is where the concept is going to be explored.

Our protagonist (similar to the protagonist of the previous song) has been hanging out and befriending these "vampires."

This is suggested by the line:

“We're hanging out with corpses, And driving in this hearse’’

Here, we confirm that vampires are not simple enemies; the protagonist had decided to hang out with them.

And it comes with its consequences; this has caused him a lot of harm, so much that it begins to affect his beloved.

[That's just like The Lost Boys (GREAT movie btw).]

He doesn't want her to end up badly, and she wants to fight for their love. She wants to help him so that they both get out of this problem together. That's why the song says:

“They come in pairs she said, "We'll shoot back holy water Like cheap whiskey, they're always there" ”

He feels remorse for his actions, wants to be purified, thinks about his love for her, how much he loves her, but he knows it's too late. He has also become one of them—a vampire. In our metaphor, this represents a turbulent and toxic person, which is the real harm he will do to her if they don't distance themselves. She would also become a self-destructive person, and both will end up digging their own graves.

But he doesn't want that. As the final and definitive proof of his unconditional love, he decides to ask her to end him to put the stake through his heart...

(Here, it could be argued whether it's in a literal sense, like she just dies, or that they simply cut ties and dissolve their relationship).

I love the parallel with the previous song. In both, the protagonist has become an unstable and toxic person, and this begins to affect their partner. However, while in one, the relationship becomes monstrous and they are miles away from saving it, in the other, the mutual love is still there, and they decide to separate instead of destroying each other.

Anyway,

I LOVE THIS SONG WITH ALL MY BEING. THIS TRAGIC VAMPIRIC LOVE STORY IS EVERYTHING MY HEART CRAVES <3.

4. Drowning Lessons

OUR FIRST SONG RELATED TO THE DEMOLITION LOVERS!

I must be honest, this song causes me too much confusion, and I still haven't fully deciphered it.

Nevertheless, I will try to explain what I have.

The song refers to certain events that repeat day after day in the life of our protagonist.

He imagines how he kills his beloved.

Yes, how he kills her.

Also, how he remembers that he will never be able to marry her.

These are the themes of the song put in the simplest way; the complicated part begins now.

We know that the song is related to their upcoming album, "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge," thanks to the line:

"A thousand bodies piled up."

This is a direct reference to the story where the man Demolition Lover (for a lack of a better name?) has to kill 1,000 bad men to be reunited with his beloved.

But there are several problems that complicate everything:

By referencing the 1,000 men, we know that chronologically, this song has to take place after the events of the song "Demolition Lovers," but I don't know at what point in "Revenge" this song would fit in.

The song talks about how HE killed his beloved, which, if we include it in the revenge lore, changes its meaning completely. I don't know if within the lore, this should be considered as a metaphor (following the themes presented by this album so far) that he "killed" her by dragging her into the world of crime (the Demolition Lovers were a couple of criminals who supposedly died when the police caught them) or if we should take this literally and accept that the demolition lover killed his beloved, and he relives this event every day due to trauma.

I think, in the end, I will leave the analysis of the lore here and come back when I finish the one for Revenge, since I KNOW that this song is essential to understanding the true story of "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge," but until I analyze it myself, I won't draw conclusions...

SPOILERS FOR THE MANGA OF NANA AHEAD! Why Nana? Because it haunts me everywhere; this story has affected my life too much (help).

Returning to the song, it reminds me too much of Ren Honjo, one of the characters from the anime and manga Nana.

Everything goes wrong with this character since you find out that he is based on Sid Vicious, the bassist of the Sex Pistols, FAMOUS (in part) BECAUSE HE WAS ACCUSED OF MURDERING HIS GIRLFRIEND NANCY SPUNGEN!!!!!!

It's just that Ai Yazawa didn't base it subtly; just look at them:

They both play the bass, have a padlock chain, and style their hair in the same way. IN THE SERIES, THEY KEEP SAYING HOW MUCH THEY RESEMBLE EACH OTHER; IT'S VERY DELIBERATE.

Well, what happens is that Ren has a relationship with Nana. And they are very, VERY toxic. Jealousy and possessiveness mixed with the explosiveness of their love are what most characterize their relationship.

And, there's a point in the manga, a very low moment for Ren, where he confesses that sometimes he fantasizes about killing Nana. If you're a fan and follow the manga, this moment really hits hard, especially if you know EVERYTHING their relationship has gone through.

Personally, listening to this song conveys feelings similar to those with the manga. It's such a delicate, horrible, but complex issue at the same time... But it's largely thanks to this complexity of conflicting feelings that gives them the status of great works of art. Representing humans in their most beautiful moments, but also having the ability to do so with their lowest points, gives the work an incredible sense of realism. The characters cease to be mere fiction to embody the stories of flesh-and-blood people.

...

I feel like I should also mention that the members of MCR say that this song is cursed, lol. And that's why they don't play it in concerts. They say this because the few times they have tried to play it, something always goes wrong (technical failures).

End of fun facts, we'll see each other again when it's time for the analysis of Revenge :D

5. Our Lady of Sorrows

I know we just went through a somewhat confusing song, but I'm sorry to inform you that this one surpasses it in levels of confusion :(

My brain almost exploded trying to understand what this song wanted to tell me.

But I think that's the essence of the song, that nothing fits and it doesn't make sense xd (I'll elaborate more on that later).

When I first heard it, without paying much attention to the lyrics, it gave me the feeling that it was a very sad and violent song, VERY VIOLENT. In the chorus, the guitars sound like freaking chainsaws, and there's a very strong feeling of sore throat from screaming so much, very metal.

And everything got worse with lines like:

"Just because my hand's around your throat"

LIKE, HE'S CHOKING THEM, WHAT ELSE DO THEY WANT ME TO THINK?!?!?

I was absolutely sure its meaning was going to be very intense.

Until it wasn't.

Later, I find out that it's a song about friendship. But not necessarily a turbulent or dangerous one like the other songs. No. A good and unconditional friendship.

Yes, I wasn't understanding anything, and my mind exploded.

Until I took the time to look up for interpretations from fans and the band on the internet, and now I consider it 100% an anthem to friendship and a very freaking beautiful song <3

How ironic life is, right?

Now I proceed to explain:

Apparently, Gerard at concerts, when he's about to sing this song, always says something like: "You probably came with your best friend or one of your best friends... I want you to turn to that motherf--ker, grab him by the throat and say, 'You're my best f--king friend, and I would die for you!'."

Also, when they say the lines in the chorus:

"Stand up f--king tall, don't let them see your back,"

and,

"Take my f--king hand and never be afraid again,"

It refers to the fact that there are people in the world who will want to mess with you, that life itself will mess with you; but if you have your friends there, then you'll be fine. They will be with you and do whatever it takes for you, to help you, because they love you.

This message is often repeated in MCR's overall proposal when dealing with dark themes; where one often feels abandoned, the band wants you to move forward, have a good support network, people, and things that make us happy and make us understand that life can be beautiful too (this is also linked to the creation of the band, but we'll leave that for later).

This song has been adopted by the fandom almost as an anthem, symbolizing our fraternity and unity <3.

Now, about the lines and the general violent feeling of the song, I have to say two things:

Like, now having the context about the meaning of friendship and what Gee usually says at concerts, the violent lines don't sound SOOO absurd. I mean, there are times when friends joke like that. But it's still kinda weird without context, bro.

Ray Toro, My Chemical Romance's lead guitarist, wrote the music and brought it to Gerard, who wrote the lyrics. "It fitted because it didn’t really fit," Gerard recalled in Tom Bryant's Not the Life It Seems: The True Lives of My Chemical Romance. "That was something we always wanted to do – to put songs together that shouldn’t work together but do. This song was really aggro and metal...'' Now, it makes more sense that it sounds violent, right?

Before moving on to fun facts, I would like to mention how I believe there is more meaning than I explained in the song, possibly one more related to the religious parallelism it carries. But since this has already messed up so much with my mind , I'll stick with the conclusion I brought, which is usually the meaning that comes to my mind when I think of this song.

Now, to finish, fun facts:

The name "Our Lady of Sorrows" is a devotion to the Virgin Mary. If I remember correctly, I think it comes from the fact that Gee went to a Catholic elementary school (;-;) and they had a statue of this virgin.

I saw somewhere on the internet that the song is based on an experience Gerard had with a nun also in his Catholic elementary school (religious trauma? :0).

Gerard said that his favorite lyric ever is from this exact same track:

"Oh, how wrong we were to think that immortality meant never dying."

It's just beautiful.

A POSSIBLE REFERENCE TO THE SONG IN ONE OF THEIR MOST RECENT LOGOS??

6. Headfirst for Halos

Help, this song is pure depression (or does it help you with it?)

Well, it's because it's about it.

...

Depression and contemplation of suicide. Also, drug use:

"And now these red ones make me fly And the blue ones help me fall."

One referring to antidepressants and the other to drugs...

And it contains many allegories to the story of Peter Pan (with the "pixie dust" and the thinking happy thoughts to be able to fly). This may be because Gerard played Peter Pan in a play in elementary school jdjsfjdslkf.

Random photo of Frank as Peter Pan, lol.

The song is supposed to have started as a joke. They were high and having a blast. At first, Gerard thought:

''...this is the catchiest, popiest, stupidest shit I have ever heard''.

But as Gee continued with the song, he realized the potential it had and turned it into this genius piece, by adding the really dark lyrics to it.

It's worth noting that in his early 20s, he experienced issues with alcohol and drugs, as well as struggled with depressive episodes.

There's a quote of him that I like very much talking about this song, relating it to that topic:

Gerard: Really quick, just to save you some time, it’s a song about being really depressed, on a lot of anti-depressants, and wanting to kill yourself. But instead of doing that, I just wrote a song about it, so...that’s what you should do if you ever wanna kill yourself. Interviewer: Write a song? Gerard: Write a song about it.

...♡...

I believe that the line "Think happy thoughts" is one of the most poignant in this song. There are times when our minds are infested with intrusive thoughts that don't let us live in peace. There are other times when these thoughts are not just thoughts; they are also an illness. And having to live with this can make us desperately and endlessly repeat to ourselves, "Just think happy thoughts, happy thoughts..."

7. Skylines and Turnstiles

This was the first song ever written by MCR. Here, it talks to us about 9/11 (an event that led to the creation of the band) and the widespread feeling that was experienced across the world, especially among American youth, after the attack. Feelings of despair, loneliness, abandonment...

Feelings that this track perfectly encapsulates. It is a vivid description of what the traumatic event was for many.

I also believe it tells us a lot about its author, our dear Gerard Way: his desire to do something different that can help people, which awakened in him after witnessing this heartbreaking event and led him to deeply question everything he was doing at the moment, his job, his life, and the world in general.

This is evident in the line:

"And if the world needs something better Let's give them one more reason now."

This desire founded the band, and I think it has been fulfilled, as throughout all these years, they have helped millions of people with their music <3.

8. Early Sunsets Over Monroeville

“😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭’’.

Warning: This is one of the most emotionally painful songs on the album!

As with "Vampires Will Never Hurt You," this song is related to the undead, the protagonist's dilemma and his lover, references to pop culture, and literal and possible metaphorical meanings :)

It all begins as the protagonist describes beautiful sunrises and sunsets while holding hands with his beloved, imagining together that their life is perfect, like a movie.

Then, the ZOMBIE PLOT begins!!!

[This song is heavily based on the 1978 movie 'Dawn of the Dead,' one of Gerard's favorite films. Throughout these 5:05 mins, we will notice multiple references to the plot.]

To summarize, the couple tries to survive a zombie attack in a mall in Monroeville (as in the movie), but plot twist, the girl gets bitten. And here is where the dilemma comes in; the protagonist wonders if anyone notices or even cares about what's happening. He reproaches himself for not having the guts to end what was once his beloved.

Here arises a moral dilemma similar to that in "Vampires," "Do I shoot her or not? Do I end her life? Can we even call it 'life' anymore? She's not here anymore, right?..."

I guess it could also be given a metaphorical analysis; I feel it could take on a meaning similar to "Vampires" itself, after all, I've highlighted multiple parallels between the two songs... The problem is that I think they need to represent different themes for me.

Let me explain, I wouldn't want the two songs to be exactly the same, I want the emotions they convey to be different. That's why I'm reluctant to give them the same interpretation. That's also why I was racking my brain looking for other possible metaphorical meanings until I gave up. I also didn't want it to turn into finding pretentious meanings just for the sake of having them. I wanted what I wrote here to be what I felt when listening to it. So, for this reason, it won't have (from my side) a metaphorical analysis.

(I forgot to mention that theoretically, it could also be analyzed in terms of social critique; but as I stated before, personally it'll just feel really forced if I do that, really like that feeling of tragic romance too. However, the possibility is still there, and for those interested, they can read this post idk: https://oneweekoneband.tumblr.com/post/149709926794/theres-a-corpse-in-this-bed-early-sunsets-over).

Now, for me, if this song doesn't carry another meaning that isn't so connected with everyday life without zombies, how can it be so heartbreaking? Ahhhhh, good question :D , here comes the other reason why this song is great... The interpretation.

I mean, listen to it again, now more attentively. You feel a ballad-type song with beautiful poetry, descriptions that can get personal without necessarily identifying with the need to kill your zombie girlfriend, melancholy, nostalgia, it's all there. And, what for me hits the nail on the head perfectly: Gerard Way's voice and emotion with his performance. It's simply heartbreaking.

This is what makes it one of the most emotionally painful songs without the need to explain them metaphorically. The literal explanation, the one about the 1978 zombies, works to make you burst into tears, and that's magnificent.

Time for some fun facts:

This started out as a tender ballad, but producer Geoff Rickly sensed there was something darker brewing under the surface and encouraged Gerard to tap into it. "Just go with what's inside your head. Don't even listen to the music," Rickly recalled telling him before his explosive performance. The producer told MCR biographer Tom Bryant (Not the Life It Seems: The True Lives of My Chemical Romance) the rest of the band was left shaken in the aftermath of the rage-fueled session. "Afterwards, everybody just left and went outside to smoke cigarettes because they couldn't deal with looking at him after he had sung that," he explained. "He had just ripped himself open in front of everybody. He'd taken it so far that it was uncomfortable for anyone who was friends with him. They hadn’t seen him as Gerard the singer, they still saw him as their buddy Gerard. It's a little scary to see someone do what he did."

(This song gives me vibes of a sad AU on AO3 for some reason)

9. This is the best day ever

This song is about our protagonist who is in the hospital and meets a patient, and they fall in love. They promise each other that they will escape from the hospital together, and when that day comes, it will be the best day of their lives.

Now, I have enough evidence to start suspecting the existence of the girl in question. First, we know that the protagonist is sick; we don't know the type of illness, but what we do know is that his time in the hospital has affected him mentally (whether it has worsened any mental issues he already had or if his time in the hospital has caused it). He is not mentally well, suffering a lot of stress, which may possibly lead to hallucinations 🤨. However, everything becomes even stranger when one hears the following line that are repeated a couple of times during the song:

"Well, I thought I heard you say, 'I like you, we can get out, We don't have to stay, stay inside this place.'"

CLEARLY, HE IS SO DISORIENTED THAT HE IS NOT EVEN SURE IF THE GIRL SAID THAT, but his pain and stress inside the hospital are so intense that he ends up inventing a whole story in his head, poor thing.

(Obviously, I know nothing about mental health issues, and maybe I'm completely off, but well, I think the song is more interesting this way).

10. Cubicles

oh shit. i love this fucking song so much…

Ok, in summary, it's about the protagonist's crush at work who never paid attention to him and then left the office. The protagonist talks about how he had her absolutely idealized, both her and a hypothetical relationship.

When he faces reality, where she doesn't even notice him and leaves work just like that, he collapses. He sinks into his intrusive thoughts, repeating to himself that nobody notices him, feels him, or cares about him. He's tired of the same routine, obsessing over someone, and it ultimately leading nowhere. Until he thinks he'll die alone, won't do anything with his life, and will just die someday. At a very low point, he confesses that he "prefers" to die alone, or at least to just die.

It's simply devastating. It's the fucking idealization of life and relationships, and how living with these expectations leads us to believe in a story that isn't real and drown ourselves in our own misery.

It reminds me of a VERY good video essay on YouTube that is the best thing that has happened to me, and I recommend it to everyone. It deals with the same theme, of course, in more depth. WATCH IT :D

youtube

AND NOW, FINALLY, it's time for our last and most awaited song...

11. Demolition Lovers

youtube

This is one of the longest and most beautiful songs (yes, I said it) in all of MCR.

It's iconic. The beginning of Revenge and the creation of one of the most relevant emo tragic love stories.

It's practically the story that the average fan of the band knows:

Two characters. They are a couple. Apparently, with no given names, only known as the Demolition Lovers. A kind of Bonnie and Clyde criminal couple on the run. In the end, a story with a tragic romantic "ending", them escaping from the police, ending their days in a hail of bullets and a pool of blood (from a shooting, in other words) where they profess how much they love each other as they gaze at one another in their last breaths.

Throughout the song, the protagonist tries to emphasize A LOT how much he loves her and that he would do EVERYTHING to prove his love to her. He recounts that after everything they went through and everything they put each other through (reference to "Drowning Lessons"?), he just wants to end up with her (the entire plot of Revenge, basically).

[Can we please take a moment to admire how beautiful this song is musically speaking? I don't know much about music like a musician does, I just mean that this song is BEAUTIFUL, and that abrupt pause in the middle with the guitar is ART>>>>>>>] *end of intermission*

I would like to highlight a couple of things and lines from this song that I think will be key or can be better understood when I do the future analysis of Revenge:

As I briefly highlighted, their relationship was also (of course, lol) turbulent; it may share certain themes with the couples from the other songs, thanks to the verse:

"I'm trying, I'm trying To let you know just how much you mean to me And after all the things we put each other through and’’

He is desperate to prove himself to his beloved, SO BAD that I don't think it's in a conventional way. It is SO prominent throughout the entire song that it raises many doubts for me. What exactly went wrong? What exactly does the Demolition Lover girl think about this? And the BIG question that "Drowning Lessons" left us with... did he kill her? dun, dun, DUN… ~*suspense*~ ...

◦ Conclusion <3

I love how this album keeps bringing up the same themes and discourses throughout its 11 songs. On the one hand, we could think of them as connected, and that it's really the same story, but I think that would be too fucking much. I believe that after so much analysis (for now), the only songs that have a direct connection to the story of the Demolition Lovers are "Drowning Lessons" and, obviously, "Demolition Lovers."

But that doesn't take away from the fact that, in MESSAGE , many are still connected. This reminds me of an anthology of different stories, like books or series. They can be told together but are not necessarily interconnected per se; their motives and meanings are.

I think this is what makes me feel this album with its interpretation, lyrics, and stories, an anthology of conceptual songs strongly based on horror stories with tragic tones and gothic romances that also let us see more about its author, understand him better, since, after all, art is a reflection of the artist and their experiences.

Bullets talks to me about idealization and disillusionment, helplessness, angst, anger, illness, loneliness, toxic people, but also about love and eternal friendship, those who genuinely appreciate you...

Bullets allows me to indulge into and experience each of these themes for myself and brings to the table a very important conversation about ourselves. We are not perfect, we are all full of flaws, and that's okay; we can all become reckless bullets that hurt our loved ones or even ourselves by piercing them with painful "truths" and destructive behaviors. This is what the main metaphor of this album, the "bullets," means to me. And as the beautiful ending reiterates to the point of exhaustion:

“all we are, all we are is bullets, I mean this’’ ♡‌

This is my take on this album: beautiful musical ( and even literary) pieces filled with stories about turbulent, passionate, chaotic, and chemical romances...

♡+:;;:+♫+:;;:+♡+:;;:+♫+:;;:+♡+:;;:+♫+:;;:+♡

My utmost respect to anyone who has read this complete analysis; it took me quite a while to do it (me and my hyperfixations ¯\(ツ)/¯). I hope it has been enjoyable and miraculously made someone love this amazing band even more <3

Any criticism or discussion you'd like to have, feel free to engage; I'd be more than happy :D

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★ Some videos and accounts that were of great help, reference, and inspiration for me to do this: @mieux-de-se-taire thanks very much for the interview transcriptions.

youtube

★ Here am tagging mutuals that might be interested in this:

@sofaaac

@infinatenoise

@inahailofbulletz

@mychemicalfaggotry

★ See you all on my next in-depth analysis on Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge! The real beginning of the story we all know and love (well, not quite like that tbh)...

#Spotify #my chemical romance #mcr #i brought you my bullets you brought me your love #bullets mcr #music analysis #demoliton lovers #gerard way #ray toro #frank iero #mikey way #bullets #Youtube

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