#where scary feels like he cares more about the ‘insane’ version of her than who she really is

[keepin-it-on-the-d-l]

You know what, no! I don’t want Terry jr and Terry to bond actually. I want Terry to try to hug Terry Jr and for Terry Jr. to be like “this is not my daughter what happened give her back. This is NOT my Scary.” I want him to love the version of Scary she chooses to be, not the one that gives him the most affection.

[kirbyskisses]

can’t stop thinking about dabi who’s so filled with pent up emotions - rage, relief, insanity, glee - after his identity reveal. and you are the conduit.

cw: no plot just brainrot, fem!reader, heavy breeding, minors burns/branding, dumbification, heavy overstimulation, fingering and oral (f!receiving), spanking, praise and degradation, possessiveness, voice kink, bait-and-switch where it seems like dubcon but is actually completely consensual tho??? also Dabi would be an amazing father don’t @ me

tagging: @gatoru @reveluving @dabislittlemouse and @nymphoheretic (who got the first version of this) <3

the second he and you escape from the warzone, the man has one, singular, burning thought and that is to breed you. he’s touya again and he needs show he’s a better partner and father than endeavor could ever dream of being.

which starts by fucking you full of his kids over and over and over again.

alive or not, he’s destroyed his father’s legacy and he’s ecstatic - more desperate and hungry than you’ve ever seen him. he can’t keep his hands and teeth off you, leaving little burn marks everywhere. his white hair is still wet and stuck to his face, his blue eyes are crazed; he’s absolutely animalistic.

“dabi-!” you can barely get the word out before he’s ripping fabric off of you; shirt, panties and all - getting singed in his still steaming hands. one hand sneaks to your chin and squeezes - your eyes are locked to his, the other hand already working two fingers into your hole.

“not my name, princess.”

“t-too fast dabi -”

he pries your jaw open and spits in your mouth - your form so shocked that you tremble and swallow it down without protest.

“now,” he kisses his teeth, “what the fuck do you call me? what’s my name?”

“t-toy-touya”

“good fucking girl.” he chuckles lowly, eyes impressed both at your obedience and the feeling of your gummy walls. “you’re already so tight on my fingers, baby.”

touya growls - god, he fucking adores this. you’re squirming at all the overwhelming feelings - twisting and jerking against the wall until you notice that he hasn’t even closed the door to your apartment.

“t-touya, someone could see-” you hiccup.

“let them, doll. let them see.” he purrs. you choke out a moan, his fingers already finding the most sensitive gooey spot inside you, causing your first climax of the night.

“all of japan knows me now, baby. so who’s gonna stop me? the police? the heroes? your shitty neighbors? who’s gonna stop me from fucking my girl full and getting her pregnant, hm?”

he lets out a dark laugh and if you weren’t so deeply in love with him - so paralyzed by his heated touch - you would find it scary. instead you can only find it arousing as he sinks to his knees in front of your completely nude, shaking form and sucks at your clit, tongue swiftly going past your folds.

sure, it feels good - so good you have to momentarily cover your mouth with a trembling hand to stop from babbling out for more. but it’s evident he doesn’t care about your pleasure right now as much as he does claiming you as his. he continues spanking and biting your thighs in between until you scream his name and try to push him off.

“t-touya too - much.” you whine, hand going away from your mouth to try and pry him away by his messy hair, the tips of which are still dark. his tongue rolls inside you, lips greedily sucking every inch of your slit and bud like a man possessed. you let out a broken noise. “touya, you gotta -”

your sentence met with a sharp slap.

“I don’t ‘gotta’ do anything doll. this is my pussy ain’t it? say it.” he looks up at you expectantly, your translucent juices dripping down his lips and chin.

“‘s your…” you whisper out, legs shaking so badly you think you’d fall if his strong hands weren’t holding you to the wall, digging into the fat of your thighs with a strangle hold.

“louder.” he spanks again.

“it’s your pussy, touya!”

“and that means only i decide when it’s had enough, got it? and i say it hasn’t. and you’re gonna let me, ain’t ya?”

“yes~” your consent comes out like a whisper, a hiss, but is it’s undeniable that you like him like this. a version of dabi touya that you’ve only seen glimpses of but just fall for deeper and deeper and deeper - others might call it insane but to you it’s intoxicating. the insanity, the need to have you - something about it drives you over the edge into another messy, babbling orgasm.

you love him. you love him. you love hi-

“shut your mouth and bite down on something.”

“b-bite down?” you question, swallowing deeply, pulled out of your thoughts. your fuzzy head stirs trying to understand his intentions as he hands you the balled up fabric of your previously discarded but still soaking wet panties.

“yeah. this is gonna hurt.” his smirks, a candle light amount of blue fire surrounding the tip of his index finger. you bite and scream into the cloth, tasting your own remaining juice, as the blue spark traces the letters “M I N E” into your outer thigh.

you’re crying and shaking from feeling such pain after climaxing back to back.

good.

he likes it like that.

he’s at least soft enough to kiss the scorching letters until they cool off with a coo of “good fucking girl” finally taking your partially delirious body to the bed and stroking your hair as he cradles you. you whine for more praise and confirmation.

“did g-good, dabi?”

“touya, remember? ‘nd yeah, baby. doing so good for me, doll. now, i’m gonna lie on the bed and you’re gonna ride that pretty pussy my cock until i say you’re full enough, got that?”

“yes.”

“yes who, little slut?”

“yes, touya.”

“good, pretty girl.”

he strips, which gives you a moment to catch your breath and he chuckles when he looks into your eyes absolutely maddened and obsessed with how you gasp at his size every single time.

“don’t worry, pretty. i’ll go nice and slow. sink into you bit by bit, counting to 10, yeah?” whimpering from overstimulation, you nod - innocent and trusting

-

he’s a liar.

dabi, touya - it doesn’t matter who he is, he’s a fucking liar.

the count he’d promised got to “two” before he shoved his fat cock all the way inside with a cackle.

“did you really believe i’d wait that long?” he teases, blue eyes taking you apart bit by bit as he slams his cock into you and you squirm, crying out his name

“touya! too deep!”

"i don't remember asking, baby," he replies. he buries himself into you to the base - pressing against your insides, so hard it aches.

“i'm gonna fill you up nice and full, knock you up like the good little bitch you are. you gonna take that f’r me? let me dump loads my cute tight little pussy?”

his shoulders and chest are heaving, he’s pushed your legs back and back and back until you’re in a mating press so he can slip his cock as deep in as it can go and back out wildly.

“gonna help me prove h’m wrong, yeah? gonna make me a daddy aren’t you dollface - i’ll be soft with ya when you do. i’ll be such a good fuckin’ daddy. you know that?”

“y-ye - touya - you’ll be a-amazing!” you really do think he would but even if you didn’t, you can’t think at all beyond saying what he wants to hear

“you’d be a good mommy to them. just like you’re such a good cumdumpster for me.”

your head is swimming, the residual heat of his quirk has you feeling like you’re going melt. how many times has he made you cum by now? you lost count after four and now he’s beating against your g-spot as you plead that it’s all too rough. your mind is so blank with him, him, him - how feral he looked fighting against his father and brother, the deep plea he made on camera to the whole nation and now this desperate, obsessed sex craze.

you’re at his mercy, plain and simple. your mouth is letting out hoarse pleas for him to slow down because all your neighbors can hear, you’re sure of it.

“let them hear. stop thinking about other people when i’m the one fucking this pussy. matter of fact - stop thinking, doll. you're not done until you're so full of my cum, you get pregnant," he growls in a voice unlike anything you'd ever heard him use. but fuck if it doesn't make you clench around him, which only makes him laugh at you.

“if i had known you wanted to be a little breeding slut for me before, i would have been filling you properly every night! fuck what they hear. they’ve heard my voice all day. they get to hear me breed you.”

“touya~”

“oh you like the sound of that don’t you? well then let them hear. scream for me. who’s the only man that fucks this pussy full?”

“touya! ‘s you touya! ‘m your cumslut!” you wail into another climax. touya pauses as you spasm around him, pussy walls sucking the cum from him with a long groan.

his hand is finally gentle against you, thumbing the tears and lips tenderly kissing your face.

“don’t worry. ‘ll be nice and soft with you once the little tyke is in your tummy, doll. all you have to do is stand what i put you through now.” he coos.

“i wouldn’t really hurt you the lady i love - i’m not him. you’ve been so good taking care of me this long while i waited to destroy him. thought i was gonna die today, you know that? now i get to live and be with you and our little ones. y’know i love you, right doll?”

your fifth (or maybe it’s been closer to seventh?) orgasm has made you a mess of tears but touya rarely says ‘i love you’ and something about being free of his disguise makes it seem like he’ll say it more often now. you manage to whisper out;

“i love you too touya… g’ve me your baby.”

he smiles and pounds in, fucking the sloppy loads of white back into you.

“say it again.”

“‘w-want your babies~”

“again!” he growls, hands closing in on your neck as he fucks you so hard the bed creaks and you think it might break - or at least you would if you had the ability to think beyond his orders.

you say it over and over like a mantra as he kisses you and makes sure you hold in his cum, dick creamy with white from fucking in load after load.

“that’s a good mommy. you’re gonna grow so nice with daddy’s kids. my fucking little breeding hole.”

when he’s finally, finally done? you’re an absolute mess and he adores the sight. you’re crying and hiccuping, legs shaking as white fluid pools inside you before he shoves it back in with his fingers.

“stay open for me, cutie. someone’s a happy little cumslut huh?” dabi smirks and he gives you one last spank.

“touya” you sob out and he kisses you softly.

“I’m here doll. that’ll keep you good and stuffed. ‘ll clean you up nice and soft in the morning hm? right now you’re gonna sleep full of my cum and all marked as mine.”

you drift to sleep, no energy left, only able to hear the sound of his phone turning on because he can’t help but snap a few pictures and videos of his “masterpiece.”

[jennycalendar]

i dont wanna DENY the genuine romantic connection btwn buffy and angel bc it was there but imo their relationship was much more abt the way both of them (buffy esp) are running from destinies they never chose that have and will continue to harm them and the general futility of that but jenny and Giles are like. theyve done that, they've BEEN there already theyve given up that fight and have told themselves they're at peace with it and THEN they meet this other person that is so fundamentally different but also Understands and theres this meta layer of tragedy in that the show never cares about Any Of This and it's just haha funny grownup romance and not like. a mirror of one of buffy's primary conflicts early in the show

anon you fucking get it. exactly. the thing that always Gets Me about jenny and giles and in my mind makes them even MORE tragically romantic is that they are in a story that does not give a shit about them as people. they are given responsibilities that remove personhood AND their place in the ACTUAL NARRATIVE does not present them as a romance worth examination or consideration. so not only are they these pointless side characters in their own lives, they are a pointless b-plot romance IN THE ACTUAL SHOW THAT THEY ARE IN. and yet giles will burn down the world for jenny -- does it twice, in canon! -- and jenny will go against everything she has been taught to believe in order to redeem herself to giles. they are so fundamentally changed by each other and this is not what we are supposed to look at or care about for anything more than a handful of seconds.

how can one NOT go crazy about that? like, even the existing narrative is saying "giles and jenny are nothing" and every second that giles and jenny spend together is clearly the happiest that the both of them ever are. EVER. giles spends the literal rest of the show miserable and adrift, and the closest thing he has to a personal/romantic relationship (outside of an accidentally magical induced romantic encounter) is a pre-existing connection with someone who knew him before sunnydale & who leaves him at the exact same crossroads that jenny chose to stay with him. (more on this -- i feel like olivia's experience in hush directly parallels jenny's experience in the dark age, and as such olivia choosing to leave when jenny eventually changes her mind -- AND giles's reaction to both of these women leaving him, at least initially on jenny's part -- says something really clear about how deep the relationship ran for both of them.)

but i absolutely agree with you that -- i have always kind of seen jenny and giles as a sort of grown-up version of buffy and angel's relationship, where the two of them have had a lot more time to be lonely and to reconcile themselves to the fact that they may end up being lonely forever, and as such there is just this giddy, incandescent joy in jenny and giles's relationship that doesn't really exist with buffy and angel. not that buffy and angel aren't joyful! just that the context is so fucking different: jenny and giles GAVE UP. they were NOT EXPECTING THIS. they had spent their entire lives resigned to never being seen or understood, and then there is this person who absolutely adores that they are mean and bitter and fighty and doesn't flinch away from the scary parts of the supernatural. this absolutely impossible person who understands them without them having to unveil themselves, which at this point in both of their lives has genuinely become impossible. giles and jenny do not know how to be vulnerable with each other, but because they are both in such similar positions, they don't actually need to unpack all of their baggage in order to know how to treat each other. it's insane.

[elysianslove]

Hiii! I loved your Iwa fluff headcanons and was wondering if you could do one with Suna? thanks <3

yesyesyes i would love to!!! iwaizumi’s version. 

↬ when suna was younger, he really, really wanted a pet bunny. like he really, really loved bunnies, and would beg his parents day and night for one. he even made a really badly edited powerpoint on bunnies and why he deserves one (aside the editing, it was a very persuasive powerpoint. they filmed him while he presented it and the video haunts him to this day). his parents were relentless, though, and didn’t get him his bunny. instead, though, they surprised him with a cat. a cat isn’t as high maintenance since they’re very independent creatures, but can also be very fun. they figured any pet would make him happy. they were wrong. suna hated her so much and would never interact with her. like to the point where he nicknamed her “bitch” and now she mainly answers to that instead of her name. but all that only worked against him, and the cat just kept getting more and more attached to him.

↬ suna now loves her so much, and she’s just as attached to him. like he would kill for her, honestly. it’s his cat >>> everyone else. he has an album on his phone dedicated to pictures and videos of only her, and her bed is in his room because she always ends up sleeping there anyways. he realized later on when he grew older that a cat was the perfect animal for him, and he’s not sure if it’s a parents thing and they really knew or they were just winging it and hoping for the best, but she’s his favorite ever and he would risk it all for her.

↬ his favorite sleeping position with her would be when he’s casually laying on his back scrolling through his phone and she comes and crawls along him to lay on his chest. the warmth he feels within his chest like he just gets so giddy.

↬ suna is crazy obsessed with serial killer documentaries, horror movies, unsolved mysteries, everything like that. his favorite pastime is watching and reading these things, but honestly, it’s not even a like, “wow that’s so cool,” and more of a, “suna what is wrong with you???” type of thing, because he’s the type to have like insidious 2 in the background as he does his homework or gets ready or something. it’s kind of scary how unfazed he is with things like that.

↬ but! yeah he’s extremely brave when it comes to horror movies, borderline unhinged, but his biggest fear? his phobia, if you will? spiders. insects in general, really. he will scream like a sixth grader that’s yet to hit puberty if he sees a spider crawling near him. once he was peeing in the miya twins’ bathroom and some kind of cockroach crawling on the wall and nearly fainted. thank god he was already peeing because he would’ve pissed his pants either way. it’s so embarrassing for him, so he’s so good at hiding it. he just freezes impossibly when he notices an insect and doesn’t take his eye off of it until someone else notices it and kills it. there was this instance when they were at a training camp and he kept feeling as if something was crawling on him, but assumed it was just really hot and his skin was tingling from that. something was crawling on him, though, and it was not just really hot. Top 10 Most Traumatic Moments of his life, especially because atsumu’s first instinct was to record the whole thing.

↬ suna is extremely, and i mean extremely, touch-starved. physical touch has always made him uncomfortable for a reason unknown to him, so he never really accepted hugs or kisses from his family, and would feel so icky if he was roped into a group hug b by his teammates. so when he met you, he thought you’d be so against the fact that he’s uncomfortable with it, because who would want a partner that doesn’t wanna touch or be touched? turns out he actually craves it, and needs it badly, he just needed to take his own time and pace approaching it, and with how understanding you were, he doubted he could ever figure this out without you. he just took it slow, you know? but the more he touched you — held your hand, pinched your cheek, rested his head on your shoulder, pecked your lips for a few seconds longer than last time — the more he wanted you.

↬ when suna became comfortable with the thought and idea that yeah, he actually craves physical touch so damn bad, he wouldn’t stop touching you every second he could. he became insanely clingy, no matter if you were in public or alone. just always has a hand on you at all times. when he’s alone with you, he’s always trying to cuddle with you. you wanna sit and chill on your phone and not really talk? sure, just come do it with your head on his chest. you wanna watch a movie and munch on some popcorn and possibly share a drink? of course he’d love to! just come sit between his legs with your popcorn on your lap so he can steal some and also offer you some sips from the drink. you don’t wanna hug him after a game cause he’s too sweaty? that’s too bad, he wasn’t asking for permission. so you see, suna is a clingy mf. like latches onto you like a koala clingy <3

↬ suna’s music taste is very diverse. his favorite genre is alternative and rock, like the neighborhood, arctic monkeys, etc, but he also loves, loves loves glitchcore music, but also will un-ironically listen to kpop, and rap, and hannah montana’s old music too because why not. he just doesn’t care. if a song is good, it’s good. so what if it caters to a bunch of 12 year olds and not him? who decides that anyways?

↬ suna is very good at hair. like so good. as his sister started to get older, and her hair grew longer, she would sometimes ask him to do it for her before school. at first he was terrible at it, except maybe ponytails cause his hair was long enough at some point to push back into a ponytail, but everything else like parting her hair for pigtails or doing braids or a bun… he was just awful. so, in response, he’d just practice. he’d watch videos as he’s doing his little sister’s hair and be so focused, with his tongue sticking out a little and his eyes squinting as he tries to get it accurate. eventually, he becomes a master at it! you find this out when one day, as you’re just over at his house, his sister comes into his room with a hair tie and a brush and he just carries her up onto his lap and braids her hair as he chats with you and it was so endearing and so impressive and you genuinely believe that was the moment you realized you were in love with him.

↬ he offers to do your hair for you all the time now!! especially if you’ve just showered and are too lazy to brush it and tie it in some way, so he does it for you. he’s actually so, very gentle when brushing your hair, you don’t even feel a thing. if anything, it makes you really sleepy.

↬ when he joined the national team and started to become more and more of a public figure, he’d send you really explicit fan art of him and other teammates he was shipped with just to piss you off. if he was feeling really bold, he’d send you smut written about him. he says he wants to make you jealous. he just wants to provoke you in every way possible, really. one time someone made an edit plot twisting you and him to him and like atsumu so he downloaded video star and made such a bad edit of you and him and posted it on his twitter and instagram and it went viral. like it was one of those edits of just pictures flipping and hearts flashing and lights spasming all over the screen it was so bad it made you cry with laughter. that was his way of telling the world, no one but this person for me, right here <3

↬ i think he’d be very good at doing chores and cleaning and all that, despite how lazy he is. i just think it’s a habit kind of thing, where he grew up doing laundry and making his bed and cleaning his room and washing the dishes that he genuinely doesn’t mind doing it cause it’s natural for him. and he’s learnt to enjoy it.

↬ suna’s favorite color was deep, deep purple at some point, but now it’s between green and black.

↬ he’s caught up with all seasons of keeping up with the kardashians. please don’t ask him why, he doesn’t even know.

↬ once when you were out with him you just gave him a rock that was on the floor and he’s kept that rock with him ever since. like it’s in the drawer next to his bed and sometimes he just takes it out and holds it in his hand while he’s doing homework or scrolling through his phone.

↬ he spams you a lot. like at any time time of the day he just sends you a million videos of him doing the most mundane things; he sends you a video of him eating some almonds and at the end it’s just him going, “i’s good,” or him lip-syncing a song you sent him to listen to, or him trying to do eyeliner because why not. or maybe it’s pictures of him and it’s always ridiculous: him exaggerating him thinking, and then captioning it “thinking,” or just a picture of him on the roof with a peace sign and a pretty smile, or a close up photo of his face saying, “miss u.”

↬ he also spams you with memes all the time. and there’s no set type, it’s just all kinds. really corny memes and really cursed memes, wholesome memes and also memes that bully you. it’s all about the versatility.

↬ suna loves to sleep, he really does, but before meeting you, the only place where he could properly fall into a deep sleep was his bed. after meeting you, anywhere where you were next to him was the perfect place to sleep. if he had your presence near him he could sleep, it didn’t matter, especially if he was resting on your lap or shoulder or gripping onto your hand or resting his legs on your lap. he just wants you close to him, you know? like he feels so safe and comfortable when you’re around, it kind of scares him if he’s honest.

[nctrsn20]

[just a heads up but trigger warning for the Dreamies + Shorato&Sungchan]

――

N-DREAM + THE ROOKIES

MARK LEE

POSITION ― Leader-Boss of DREAM, All Rounder

RELATIONSHIP STATUS ― Strictly Unavailable [colleagues to lovers]

IMPORTANT SIBLING(S)/RELATIVE(S) ―

IMPORTANT FRIEND ―

CURRENT LOCATION & DESTINATION ― PARIS ⤍ KOREA

I swear Mark is exactly like Peter Parker

now introducing the boss and leader of DREAM, Mark Lee

a young, handsome and polite man which all girls kind of having a thing for him (both in the mafia organization and in school)

but when it comes to work, he is a mixture of Kun and Taeyong

he is nice like Kun but he doesn't take bullshits just like Taeyong (and he gets pretty scary when his love ones especially his bestfriend are involved in his businesses - expect Mark not to be nice and probably knowing he is going to kill you by the end of the night)

very hard-working individual

he jumps from helping 127 and to be Dream's leader, basically helping the young ones and lead them - he HAS A LOT of plate to handle but he is lucky that he has Haechan to relate to

but there is someone he would easily get everything and anything out of his chest and that would be Mark's best friend and crush

she knows everything about Mark - vice versa and how did they know each other? well, they kind of met thanks to Lee Taeyong (you see, Mark's bestfriend is Taeyong's sister)

they met in Taeyong's company building where all 23 members work at and tbh it was iconic because she came in barging into the level where the 23 members located - that area is strictly prohibited to outsiders and ONLY a few staff could enter (and Mark plus some of the 127 members were there at that point of time and strangely they just asked Mark to lead her when he doesn't even know her, but it looks like the older members knew her because they kind of greeted her nicely and cutely which is rare to see the older ones do that)

and ofc gentleman+awkward Mark lead her to where Taeyong is and from there, Mark finds out that she is Taeyong's sister (Mark feels dumb but it's okay bcs she actually doesn't introduce herself as Taeyong's sister for safety reasons - it was weird for Mark, he kept on bumping onto her even when she visited Taeyong for both business purposes and for siblings time)

he also finds out that she went to to same college as him (as well as the other Dream members' partners, it was all a coincidence that Mark's crush is friends with the other Dream members' partners)

and because she is Taeyong's sister, she would always be invited to parties that are made by Taeyong or the other members. (in result all of them became friends and consider a family, she is even friends' with all 23 members' partners - she is a social butterfly)

whenever they are talking in the corner of the room, the older members would look at her and Mark - observing Mark from far and they kind of guessed that Mark somehow likes her, just seeing the way his body language shows

they are right, Mark indeed likes her ever since she kind of confronted Taeyong on giving Mark missions back to back (Mark finds out that it lead into a huge argument between her and Taeyong - actually everyone finds out they were screaming in Taeyong's office till Taeyong's girl and a few of the 127 members had to step in)

and let's just say Mark is a HUGE mess ever since he sees her as his crush (Haechan would always push him to confess to her but the leader would always stutter - like how can you easily shoot someone on the head but can't even say 3 simple words?)

HUANG RENJUN / HWANG INJOON

POSITION ― Sniper, [Main] Weapon Expertise

RELATIONSHIP STATUS ― In A Relationship [high school friends to lovers]

IMPORTANT SIBLING(S)/RELATIVE(S) ―

IMPORTANT FRIEND ―

CURRENT LOCATION & DESTINATION ― KOREA

the weapon expertise and a skilled shooter that was acknowledged by Johnny

our Renjun has a tiny wincy incy bit of temper but is tolerable (usually Mark would easily calm him down but we ALL know who is the one who could just calm down his emotions with just showing herself up)

honestly, Renjun is mostly calm with the 23 members but when it's only the Dream members or they are in a meeting, in the end of the day he would either argue with Haechan or Mark about a mission or business

but when it involves physical fight (not with the Dream members though, they always have a soft spot no matter how things get tough), no one could stop Renjun other than his best friend

both of them are friends ever since high school and she was literally his ride or die friend which turned into his crush best friend (Renjun was known to be a tsundere in school and she was well, we will get to her story in her own part, a girl version of Lucas but she is more tone down and she dates the popular ones back in high school)

fast forward to college where all the Dream members attended (and so as their partners), she and Renjun as usual are close as ever not until she dated a guy that was lowkey rivals with Renjun - basically the Huangs'

it was obvious he dated her to get NCTs' information but here is the thing, she doesn't hang out in NCT's residence that much (due to her work and school stuff, she was somehow naïve)

fast forward Renjun and the rest of the members find out that the guy cheated on Renjun's best friend and things went down yall (Renjun got into a fist fight with him and ofc the Dreamies had to call her and that's when things literally went downhill)

she and Renjun got into a huge argument, it's just messy until Renjun couldn't take it anymore and literally shouted those 3 words which is 'I love you' and our homegirl is shook (and Renjun started avoiding her and she just went to NCT's residence crying after Mark and Haechan spill everything to her - Dream members couldn't take it anymore after seeing Renjun basically crying and just wasn't himself for a few weeks)

according to Mark and Haechan, Renjun told them that he has always like her every since high school and till now, his feelings never change - he likes how confident she is, how protective and caring she is (and to Renjun, the way she flirts with him was different from how she flirts with other guys) although she had did things that break his heart (dating others, basically seeing her in campus)

he really loves her that he would kill someone if they wants her head

and let's just say at the end of that day, our homeboy Renjun got a kiss that he always wanted, which was on the lips - and from there, both of them worked things out and now we have a bad-ass couple

LEE JENO

POSITION ― [High-Rank] Soldier, Hitman [hand to hand combat expertise]

RELATIONSHIP STATUS ― In A Relationship [best friend to lovers]

IMPORTANT SIBLING(S)/RELATIVE(S) ―

IMPORTANT FRIEND ―

CURRENT LOCATION & DESTINATION ― KOREA

now let's welcome the hitman of the group, Lee Jeno

to be honest, he is considered an all-rounder BUT Taeyong acknowledges him to be a hitman after seeing him basically attacking and ending up killing one of Taeyong's enemies with just his bare-hands

mind-blowing because Jeno is the quietest and somehow calm and to know he could just kill someone with a pair of hands? damn

it was insane to see his duality that the 127 members could only look at Jeno with open mouth (they were shookth) and of course everyone knows not to make Jeno angry or being in his red list

one day, somehow rumors got into the kids in the mafia school that Jeno murdered someone and out of a sudden kids started to gang up on him

though mostly the Dream members as well as their partners back up Jeno (since Dream members know the exact story) and most of them were willing to get hurt just to protect their friend, but Jeno would tell them to stay out of it

but of course one wouldn't listen to him and let's welcome our savior of Jeno's life, his best friend aka his crush ever since they were in middle school

his crush is a sweet individual and most people were quite weirded out to see him getting along with her, both of their personalities kind of the opposite (they didn't know that the reason why they are able to be friends, much more than friends - best friends)

will explain more about his crush istg i love Jeno's girl Jeno secretly loves her bad-ass/aggressive side which was the day when sadly, his crush gets nearly expelled - so what had happened was Jeno got into a fist fight with a group of boys and there was a commotion obviously which lead Jeno's crush and her friends (which were Dream's partners) to the area

basically Jeno was being ganged up and beaten - her friends were shook that she decided to get involved which was rare and seeing how aggressive she got when she shove one of Jeno's attacker and started throwing out strong punches to the point when the boy screamed bloodily (and her friends had to hold her back, it was so sudden and frightening to see the look she gave)

and all of them was basically sent to the principal's office and let's just say Kun was being called too (he is the dean of the college they are attending) - and everyone receives punishment equally but the group of boys who gang up on Jeno were given much more heavier punishment

the next thing happen that made all of the Dream members step aside was hearing harsh words coming from Jeno as a result the two of them were shouting at each other in frustration until one of them accidentally said 'i love you'

but those words weren't coming form Jeno - it was from her (it was all a sudden but she meant it)

let's just say at the end of that argument, both of them shed more tears in each other arms and getting a kiss on the lips - and a full-time committed relationship

now knowing that jeno thought he knows her best friend-lover too well until he somehow figured out a secret that she has been keeping from him and everyone around her for too long

LEE DONGHYUCK / HAECHAN

POSITION ― [High-Rank] Soldier, All-Rounder

RELATIONSHIP STATUS ― In A Relationship [acquaintances to lovers]

IMPORTANT SIBLING(S)/RELATIVE(S) ―

IMPORTANT FRIEND ―

CURRENT LOCATION & DESTINATION ― KOREA

the troublemaker and an all-round (just like Mark)

he and Mark runs from 127 to Dream back and forth and he is positioned to do all kinds of roles (sniper, assassin, hitman, decoy) according to Mark and Taeyong's instructions

very loud individual and you can hear him screaming or just talking in full-caps somewhere in NCT's residence (Taeyong, together with Kun and Mark actually made their own residence - combining three huge houses together as their home, a place for the ones who doesn't a place to live or when there are missions back to back so 127, WAYV and DREAM has their own houses but the fun part is that their houses is just the opposite of each other)

and interestingly all of sudden he became strangely quiet whenever a very familiar looking girl walks into NCT's residence together with the other older members along with their partner's

you see, Haechan has a huge crush on Jungwoo's and Jaemin's partner's sister and although they were in the same circle of friends, she and Haechan didn't talk much and that's because she is a busy girl while Haechan is too shy to make the first move

but all that shyness has to be put down when Taeyong gave Haechan work to do which was to become the bodyguard to her (apparently her sisters were in danger which lead to Haechan's crush being involve too)

basically they started talking and both were becoming more comfortable with each other that Haechan would always hangs out with her in school and be clingy to her and as usual being his usual loud self (and she is the only one who can keep up with Haechan's clinginess which the other members would call her if they couldn't handle him)

when Haechan started to realize he is in love or already fell for her is when he was summoned into the meeting room with 127 (and for the first time, Jungwoo wasn't there and that's because he was in another country, on a hide out with his girl), telling Haechan that a group of syndicate is trying to kill his crush's bloodline (apparently her family has a lot of hatred just because they have the most gold-basically-rich which is ridiculous)

so she was forced to stay in NCT's residence (together with her younger sister whom were just a few months younger which would be introduce as Jaemin's partner) and by then Haechan already confirmed his feelings for her after they kind of cuddled together as well as having the deep talk regarding her life and it's just different

and when Haechan thinks the situation was eased down and thinking that he could make his move, turns out it was the opposite of what he thinks - and to summarize, his crush end up being the hostage making ALL of NCT members' to move their feet after seeing Haechan basically turn into rage

Haechan was a mess alright, he was mad, frustrated, kind of pissed with himself and also scared (at the end of the day, he was the savior of the night - he was the one who personally took her out of the basement of where the syndicate lives)

the rest was history with interestingly her being the first one to confess to him and Haechan making the first move on kissing her right in front of the members (iconic)

NA JAEMIN

POSITION ― [High-Rank] Soldier, Hitman

RELATIONSHIP STATUS ― Complicated [high school friends to lovers]

IMPORTANT SIBLING(S)/RELATIVE(S) ―

IMPORTANT FRIEND ―

CURRENT LOCATION & DESTINATION ― KOREA

the deadly cute hitman of the group (well Chenle, Jisung and Shotaro are cute but they are different type of cute)

while Jeno is more to a hand-to-hand hitman, Jaemin uses Renjun's newly made weapons on his targets (and again, Jeno and Jaemin are somehow soulmates - they work together, hangout together)

although Jeno is always with him, school somehow separated them since they were taking different subjects (this is in high-school) and that's how he gets to meet his crush, which is also a sister to Jungwoo's and Jeno's partner in a not-so-good situation

Jaemin is known to be that cute introvert individual who does his own thing and sadly, boys who had jealousy of Jaemin's good looks would find ways to tease him or just made fun of him (Jaemin would usually shrug them off and Jeno would always be the one to back him up)

until one day when Jaemin steps out of the school building and he was randomly pushed down and all he remember was huge throbbing on his head from being kicked and punched then hearing groans and yells from the boys before passing out

and when he woke-up kind-of, he saw blurry image of Taeyong, Jeno and a girl in a corner, he couldn't see her face clearly but all he could remember was she had a blonde hair and she was wearing a leather jacket (and he passed out again poor Jaemin he wasn't in a good condition)

Jaemin would return to school a few days later and strangely, there were new rumors regarding a girl, that was also mentioned with Jungwoo's and Jeno's partner's names, coming back and of course as a NCT member he put two and two together (she was the one who save him and she is the sister to both of Jungwoo's and Jeno's partner and they are known to be well-known in their own ways, especially the youngest one. it would be explain in her own profile/moodboard)

honestly during lunchtime, they would make a few eye-contact from far. Jaemin as usual with Jeno and the Dream members while she was in her own clique (this is before she joined Elinovas Angel, she had her own clique in high school)

the reason why Dream members didn't approach her nor her clique or herself is because both groups are kind of rivals secretly (but all of them are chill though and THAT IS BECAUSE of her saving one of the Dream members so it's a win-win situation)

the first time Jaemin approach her was when she was just minding her own business in the cafeteria, sitting alone, reading a paper while munching an apple (apparently the way Jaemin approach kind of her made her choke slightly, causing her to almost fell from her back and that's when Jaemin perfectly caught her, IN his arms all of a sudden it's like a k-drama or something) let's just say they were lost in each others eyes with her basically yeeting out of his arms with a flushed face

THAT was the moment when they kind of were attracted of each other

the rest of high school days were actually pretty memorable because he actually made friends with her BUT in secret , thanks to Taeyong and the older member's parties, Jaemin had his chance to make her trust him as they had this cute bond with each other since she attended the events as a sister to Jungwoo's and Jeno's partners (Jaemin already consider her as his best friend maybe more than that, he is still confused with his own feelings)

but things started to get out of hand nearly graduation when all of a sudden Jaemin and Dream members were being approached by her clique, needing Jaemin's help that one of their members which was Jaemin's best friend/crush was being held hostage (and everyone was shocked to see how Jaemin's face turned from normal to rage - he literally ran out of the school compound)

within an hour with Jaemin rushing to Taeyong and getting the information he needs, Jaemin founds her and he was horrified after seeing her body literally laying on the basement and she looked like she was beaten (Jaemin was crying when he was driving his way to NCT's residence - everyone was shook to see him cry because in every missions they did, he had never show his vulnerable side, this was the first and it isn't even a mission tbh)

he would stay by her side - he even neglected his own daily needs. he wouldn't leave her side even when the Dream members or the older members would softly ask him to eat or take a rest. that was the moment when everyone figured out that Jaemin loves her (it was obvious with the way Jaemin looked at her sleeping face - and deep down, Jaemin even knows he care for her, adored her and love her)

ZHONG CHENLE

POSITION ― [High-Rank] Tech Specialist

RELATIONSHIP STATUS ― Complicated [high school friends to lovers]

IMPORTANT SIBLING(S)/RELATIVE(S) ―

IMPORTANT FRIEND ― Felix Lee (Stray Kids)

CURRENT LOCATION & DESTINATION ― KOREA

the cute and sassy tech specialist

if Jeno and Jaemin are a pair, Chenle is with Jisung (the two youngest were assigned to be the tech specialist, at the same time the main guards of NCT's residence so they are always in front of multiple PCs' and they are the ones who would accept outsiders in - that's how much Taeyong trust the youngests)

Chenle loves his job tbh that's because he get to plan out booby-traps for unwelcome visitors and most of them would be killed instantly by Chenle and Jisung's booby-traps (the older members were shookth to see a few dead bodies in front of their main door - and they found out Chenle and Jisung had used Yangyang's poison air-gas and somehow put them in balloons)

being tech specialist, he rarely comes out to do missions since Taeyong doesn't allow him and Jisung too - but when Taeyong or Mark really needs a last minute back-up, that would be Chenle (the young one has his own back-up team)

until one day, a unfamiliar girl and obviously unwelcomed ran into NCT's residence - there are multiple CCTV's in their residence (they could even see what's going on WAYV and 127 residence) and it was weird to Chenle because he couldn't recognize her since he knows everyone who is somehow friends and are associates to the 23 members

so instead of as usual activating the booby-traps, Chenle's guts tell him to go out there personally armed with a gun and asking Jisung to keep a watch out and in the end his guts were right (it was Winwin's younger sister whom Winwin himself didn't talk much since she is always abroad and she looked pretty terrified)

now the thing about Chenle is he isn't too friendly with people he doesn't know EVEN though they are friend with the other members (except for the Elinovas Angels, Chenle really really treats them like his own guardian/older sisters) but strangely, he didn't know why he has this feeling of wanting to protect her - seeing how fragile she look at that exact moment (dude Chenle was concern, she looked like she was crying on the way here and he actually guided her to WAYV's residence since she barged into DREAM's)

and after that night, Chenle strangely kept thinking of her and in result of him asking Winwin what is going on and he was shook to find out his biological sister was about to be in a arranged married with a psychopath and an abuser (and without thinking Chenle started to give out plans and he didn't realise Winwin was shook to hear how concern he is because Chenle IS NEVER to be the one to get in others business)

Winwin being the good older brother actually listens to Chenle and one was to ask her to stay in NCT's residence and to ask her to enroll into where Dream members are currently studying in which was Kun's college (eventually she enrolled and all of the Dream's partners' are sweet enough to greet her, making her comfortable as she joins the group and eventually Elinovas Angels)

everyday, Chenle sticks to her and both of them are already comfortable with each other, not knowing what was about to come in the future

and one frightening day, Chenle receives a hand-written letter from her and he came running almost crying to Winwin about what was written - he was shocked and hurt that she decided to surrender after receiving threats regarding to attack NCT's residence and Taeyong's company building (what he didn't tell Winwin is that she actually wrote a separate letter for Chenle, confessing that she actually fell for him - he was nice, patient and just his own self unlike other mafia man she knows. she also revealed that if she stayed longer, she would fall completely for Chenle)

that part actually made Chenle hurt the most, he could just cry on the spot but his mind was much faster to run to Winwin to save her from doing something stupid (which was marrying that bastard)

for the first time, out of all missions, he decided to personally rescue her along with WAYV members

iconic and everyone sees Chenle's protective and loving side, he is lowkey to his own members but for the first time, everyone could see his vulnerable side openly (and expect to see Chenle calming the almost raging Winwin and his sister who almost gonna cry and that made Chenle kind of more protective)

PARK JISUNG

POSITION ― [High-Rank] Tech Specialist

RELATIONSHIP STATUS ― Strictly Unavailable [childhood friends to lovers]

IMPORTANT SIBLING(S)/RELATIVE(S) ―

IMPORTANT FRIEND ―

CURRENT LOCATION & DESTINATION ― KOREA

another cute tech specialist but Jisung is somewhat an angel while Chenle is the devil ajaja

an introvert so Taeyong decided to put him as the tech specialist, together with Chenle (and Taeyong sees Jisung as someone who is still a minor and although this organization is ruthless, Taeyong still cares for the young ones and wants them to be ready when they know they are ready themselves)

everyone babies him tbh and they are protective of him

even his own childhood best friend whom is a younger sister to Lucas, is protective of Jisung

this two are always together - yes, even when they are babies that's because both of their family are friends, close friends

and both Jisung's and his childhood friend's families are known for their own reputation (Jisung's would be having scary parents and hers would be having rich parents)

until one day during middle school, she approached Jisung with tears running down her cheeks - telling him that she had to go, which was to move out since something went wrong within her family business

you see middle school Jisung is different than the now!Jisung, he was happy back then, kind of cheerful although no one wants to befriend him and that's because of his childhood bff (she was always there for him, she went to his soccer tournament, she even attended all of his birthday parties)

Jisung didn't have the time to be shock nor surprised because it was that day itself where his best friend has to go (so throughout the day of his best friend's last day of school, he was being extra clingy with her, accompanying her everywhere)

he decided to follow her all the way to the airport, not surprised when his family was there too to bid their goodbyes' (kind of felt betrayed that they didn't tell him but ofc he didn't care for now since his main focus is his bff)

and everyone is shookth to see Jisung crying while hugging his bff and ofc she had to be the positive one, patting the boy's back - saying she would be back (but both of them know that isn't the case)

fast forward to 4 years later, Jisung meets her at the high school he attended along with some of the Dream members but surprisingly, she was with Lucas (he was again shook because he didn't know at that time that they were siblings and again, he felt betrayed but again that didn't matter)

Jisung didn't approach her though, that's because he didn't know what to feel (during that 4 years without being with each other, Jisung somehow went through the phase of being alone and at some point and as a result, he learn to be independent - and that's how he joined NCT)

until 2 days later where NCT and their partners' were invited for Taeyong's annual party and all of the members' siblings were invited - and from the corner, Jisung saw her along with Lucas (of course some of the Dream members have to call Jisung since the boy wasn't too attentive and Jisung swore that she looked like she didn't want to be there)

and he was right, Jisung followed her quietly - seeing her going to the swimming pool, sitting down on the edge while soaking her feet (the members encourage him to go to her though, and Jisung didn't waste any time to approach her)

the moment he said his first words and locking his eyes with hers, he was stunned on how beautiful she looks - the dim lights in the corners of the pool reflect through the water and to her (let's just say Jisung found out what had happened to her during the 4 years and he didn't know she suffered too - and they ended that conversation with an apology towards each other and hugs of comfort)

since then and fast forward to college, they were as close as ever and at some point, Jisung learnt that his best friend changed slightly (at one time, a group of boys somehow decided to tease him and she decided to step forwards and again Jisung is stunned to see that his best friend know how to fight)

and at one point of time, Jisung realizes that he is falling for his best friend when a boy in school approaches her to get her number but in the end he didn't get one (that's because she likes Jisung too hehe)

THE EXCELLENT ROOKIES

OSAKI SHOTARO

POSITION ― Rookie Tech Specialist

RELATIONSHIP STATUS ― Unavailable but In Love, Deeply [best friends to lovers]

IMPORTANT SIBLING(S)/RELATIVE(S) ―

IMPORTANT FRIEND ―

CURRENT LOCATION & DESTINATION ― KOREA

1/2 of the A star rookies that was voted by the leaders of all 3 groups

he looks like an angel but he is more than that

he is actually good at hacking and so Taeyong decided to put him under Chenle and Jisung's care (although he is older than them, but Chenle and Jisung are more experienced)

we would wonder how Shotaro joined NCT? it was actually through his parents (unfortunately through a saddened incident of a syndicate barging into Osakis' residence, they were almost slaughtered but it was actually thanks to Yuta that they were saved - the NCT member was close with Shotaro so they keep tabs with each other)

his parents entrusted NCT on taking care of Shotaro (and since then Shotaro lives with the Dream members. he learns how to be independent with the help of the NCT members)

and with that he is immediately enrolled to schools that Kun owns (he had attended high school which when he met his now best friend)

he is a shy bub and at that time, he was already somehow a member of NCT (all rookies in NCT will definitely end up as a NCT member, and as usual all NCT members will gain huge attention in schools)

everyone was gossiping about a cute guy that looked like an otter joining the school and stuff and so Shotaro was being seen in the hallways (all girls adore him tbh, he is the only member who looks endearing - even when he doesn't smile)

Shotaro was so committed to school that he joined a club which was the basketball club ! (honestly the basketball club was shook and excited that they have a NCT member and all of them were nice and supportive guys which were rare to find)

and the cheerleaders room and basketball room is just 2 doors away from each other - guess who met one of the well-known cheerleader, yes our otter cheerleader

so what had happened was Shotaro and the boys were leaving to grab drinks and coincidentally, the door of the cheerleaders' room opens abruptly with one of the members exiting the room with her phone on her hand (and guess WHO accidentally bumped into her, yes Shotaro)

followed by hearing deep gasps and the sound of a phone crashing down on the floor, silence decided to cover the area and the first one to move is Shotaro to gather the broken phone while apologizing to her numerously (and what made Shotaro widen his eyes was hearing her answer which was "it's okay, well, at least i get to avoid my annoying older brother. don't worry the damage will be on me though")

and with that, she left quickly and the boys started started to ask Shotaro if he was okay or did she just threaten him and ofc Shotaro was confused on who they were talking about (then Shotaro was being told that she was actually NCT Johnny's adopted younger sister and they kind of had a fall out and stuff - there were rumors about her that she was being adopted and it was sad she had to find out by the rumors itself)

her face and her impression kind of stuck onto his mind that Shotaro couldn't help but steal glances towards her whenever he saw her in the hallway or during lunch (basically a tsundere to him)

according to Shotaro's point of view, she would always be seen with her own clique, in the middle of the girls who were gossiping while she was on the phone looking unbothered at the same time answering her friends (and somehow they both caught each other's eyes that Shotaro froze and as for her, she slight smiled at him before looking away *cue Shotaro panicking and feeling butterflies on his stomach*)

the next moment they met was at Taeil's party and as usual everyone was invited, which includes Shotaro - and when he arrived, guess who saw the girl looking grumpy as she followed her tall older brother? Shotaro of course (she doesn't look impressed at all as she follows her older brother as he was talking to his own friends - and at one time she slips off as she wander around)

and while Shotaro wanders to find the Dream members and her walking off making small talks with Dream members' partners, they again bumped into each other but this time she was about to fall by her back and Shotaro who has fast reflex caught her by her sides (that's when they had a FACE TO FACE eye contact and not wanting the situation to be an awkward one, she started the conversation first which lead them to exchange numbers)

which just an exchange of phone numbers, both of them became close which means they kind of know each others' habits and because she trusted Shotaro, she even told him her secrets - well not a secret since everyone found out from a rumor (Shotaro remembered that she called him in the middle of the night, as she was crying and being the gentleman he is, he came to her and they just sat on the stairs right outside of Dream's residence)

their friendship kind of grew from there till they graduate and attending the same college as the other Dream members (and of course they are accepted in the Dream clique since they know each other through the other members)

and Shotaro is slowly falling for her and everyone knows that especially the members - with how he looks at her and how he just communicates with her, he thinks he knows everything about her but there is just one secret he didn't know about her which will one day save Shotaro's life (will be revealed in her own profile)

JUNG SUNGCHAN

POSITION ― Rookie Sniper

RELATIONSHIP STATUS ― Complicated [childhood friends to lovers]

IMPORTANT SIBLING(S)/RELATIVE(S) ―

IMPORTANT FRIEND ―

CURRENT LOCATION & DESTINATION ― KOREA

another A star rookie that picked by the 3 leaders

kind of opposite with Shotaro tbh

he doesn't look like an angel and he isn't an angel due to his tragic past

though he was chosen because of his skills and abilities which is a sniper, Taeyong actually found him walking mindlessly on the street

was it a coincidence? well kind of. Taeyong was actually on his way to personally kill his parents for what they did to innocent people and seeing their son walking mindlessly with blood stains on his clothes, kind of coincidence isn't it?

so Taeyong kind of took him and that's when the mafia leader knew the kid somehow just found out the truth on what his parents did and he was ashamed tbh (ofc who wouldn't be ashamed finding out your parents kidnapped children, trained them to become weapons and somehow tortured them in the middle)

and that was like 5 years ago and a year passed, Sungchan lives in NCT Dream's residence at the same time attending high school along with the other Dream members

and one fine day, his class was introduced to a new classmate and Sungchan's eyes widened as soon as he recognized that stone-cold face and his classmates were definitely a positive kind of bunch as they excitedly say their 'hi's and hello's with excitement (Sungchan was the only one who didn't say his 'hi's and 'hello's, he was froze on his seat realizing that girl is his long-time childhood friend)

one thing that Sungchan loves about his childhood which he would always hold onto that whenever someone ask him regarding his childhood was actually play-dates with his childhood friend (whom is a younger sister to Taeil's wife and to Got7's leader, Lim Jaebeom)

his parents were somehow friends with hers and that's how the play-dates started, hence they attended the same middle school (both of them were the innocent ones when it comes to their parents' works but she was smart to find out things since her parents' were assassins)

and with Sungchan escaping from his house after sneaking and hearing their conversation, and he got caught by his parents' men in result of Sungchan getting physical by stabbing them, hence he out of nowhere cut off contact with his childhood friend

Sungchan knew she still recognize him after seeing her face grew more cold, after making a 2 second eye contact as she turned away to find her seat and through-out the day, she didn't even approach him instead she just walked passed him - and that went on for a month

until he decided to approach and let's just say it didn't go well in the middle - with him grabbing her arm since she just ignore him and them basically yelling at each other but what made Sungchan stop on the 'yelling competition' is seeing her tears finally falling and in result of Sungchan crying too after hearing her confessing what she felt for the passed few years without him

and so 2 childhood friends were reunited and one fine day as they were enjoying lunch in school, all hell break loose after hearing non-stop gunshots then seeing a notorious faces of syndicates that Sungchan knew (and strangely before Sungchan decided to make his move, his childhood friend was fast enough to hold onto his hand as they make a run for it)

they were smart to realize that those men were actually after Sungchan and Sungchan couldn't even process everything that day as he only remembered arriving to NCT's residence with all of the members basically running around (basically 127 and WAYV trying to calm down the panicked Kun at the same time worrying for Sungchan and Dream members worrying for Sungchan and his friend)

a few days later, Sungchan was acting weird towards her - avoiding her at the same time not replying to her texts which made her super annoyed, that one fine Saturday night, there was a loud knocks on Dream's residence door and poor Shotaro opens the door to see her raging and wanting to talk to Sungchan who was busy playing FIFA with Jisung and Chenle on the 2nd level

sweet Shotaro guided her and the atmosphere grew tense after Jisung see Sungchan's friend standing with cold glares towards Sungchan and ofc Jisung had to nudge on Chenle and he had to nudge onto Sungchan (honestly it's comedy peak) and ofc ChenJi had to escape from that suffocating atmosphere

Sungchan knew at that moment he was going to have another 'yelling competition' but instead she just sat beside Sungchan quietly and said "please don't do that, I already lost a few people that I love. you are the last person that I don't want to lose."

and they cried in each other's' arms again after finding out the truth about what happened to her family and Sungchan found out that she knew what had happened to him back then (and so much more that Sungchan wanted her to join NCT but she can't because of Taeyong agreeing with Jaebeom on business related stuff and weirdly about her too)

so from that moment onwards till college, there were no secrets between her and Sungchan and they continue to become that type of bestfriends with Sungchan asking her to come to parties or events that the members could invite someone and she would constantly had to remind him that his older sister is married to the oldest member in NCT and of course she has to come

but there was something that Sungchan couldn't tell her face to face and he had no choice to make it as a secret - and that would be confessing to her about his feelings (which was liking her ever since they were in middle school and falling in love with her in the present time)

[ MASTERLIST ]

[ N-DREAM'S SOULMATES ]

[ N-127 MOODBOARDS ] - [ 127'S SOULMATES ]

[ N-WAYV MOODBOARDS ] - [ N-WAYV's SOULMATES ]

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

the wolf should’ve been afraid of me.

Titans 3.04

just under the wire! ... i hope.

like with the previous review, i’m typing this up as i see the episode. here we go!

spoilers ahead.

1. ... well. that was an interesting cold open.

1.25. i don’t know whether to admire this show’s restraint when it comes to gotham and its excesses, particularly arkham asylum. it’d be easy to go hammer and tongs, like suicide squad (2016) did, or any number of bat media did, at a tropey, colourful~~insanity~~ that can be quite damaging, casting mental illness in strangeness and criminality. it definitely shows gotham as... separate from the rest of the country, its own ecosystem of heroes and villains, a sort of rogue state. 

but that ecosystem is still human, with its heroes needing to clip parts of themselves away just to survive, growing old and needing to be recycled, its villains languishing in the same kinds of systems that fail everybody else who needs to be helped. it’s a quieter, tenser sort of wrongness: not strange enough that you can dissociate, but not close enough that you can completely empathise. gotham is its own creature.

1.5. i know that the reasoning behind this is more doylist than anything, but i’m so glad that joker was killed off with little fanfare right at the start of the season. he is the one man in the batverse that’s transcended its confines as this sort of ethereal boogeyman/eternal edgelord and to justify his presence in the series would mean giving him this tired, overblown importance and too much of a stab at colourful, tropey “madness” in this otherwise-subdued series. i wish all batmedia would follow suit and get rid of this fucker.

1.75. so jason is bucking scarecrow’s control! or reminding him of who exactly holds all the cards right now. circling back to what i talked about in the last review, it’s remarkable just how little time it’s been since jason’s “death” and he’s already got ‘minions’ and elaborately set up plans to track, break and kill the titans. just how long has he been planning this? when did he first look at WE weapons prototypes and think that’s something i can use to blow somebody up? and the most unsettling question: did he plan his own death at the hands of the joker just so that he could break batman?

at this point it’s obvious that the scarecrow at least started jason down this path, but it’s frightening just how far he’s travelled already.

1.8. aaagh, less than one minute in! i’ll shut up. 

2. conner washing his hands at the sink reminds me that he was directly in the line of explosion when hank got blown up and he’s probably got atomised hank-bits all over his skin that he’s desperately trying to wash off.

... you’re welcome.

2.25. conner, don’t you speak to gar fucking logan like that, sir, no!

2.3. if anything it’s the lex part of him that gave him the knowhow to recognise the weapon and build a de-activator for it. 

anyway, for that ‘half-breed’ and ‘talking tiger’ comment?

(i wish, tho, that we actually see conner more interested in the superman part of his legacy, like maybe listening to stories from gar, or even better, dick, so we get a better idea of the pressure he’s feeling to live up to that part of him and not the part that’s lex.)

((i talked about conner’s stages of moral development in his introductory episode last season, but i wonder if the next stage of his self-actualisation would be to further integrate the parts of himself and realise that they are only parts and he, conner, is an entirely different person unto himself that can make decisions on how to use what he has and what he knows. his superman abilities can be used to destroy. his lex knowledge can be used to save.))

3. oh dawn :((

3.25. is this the last we see of dawn and hank? i mean, we know donna is coming back; would it be a stretch to think they’ll try to have a go at resurrecting hank as well?

3.5. “deathstroke didn’t make us into killers.” good, because deathstroke didn’t make jason a killer either. there’s a missing step there you need to be looking for, dick. 

3.75. dick did try to break the cycle, step away from gotham, run from the possibility that he could turn into batman. it didn’t help; he couldn’t fully withdraw from his vigilante persona the same time he loathed it, and batman literally haunted him both asleep and awake. but maybe gotham doesn’t have to turn anybody into anything. maybe gotham has nothing to do with it at all. it’s about taking responsibility, realising some sacrifices are pure bullshit, and building an actual family instead of merely a team.

anyway: hugs!

(oh, also? mr “i hate flying”? i mean, there’s perfectly valid reasons to hate flying that’s not related to childhood trauma, but then again, this guy was literally a ‘flying grayson’ once. also also, remember that he also gets sea-sick. must’ve a lot of fun stories to tell.)

4. ooh that gar/kory confrontation was brief but cool!

listen, i have never seen a psychiatrist with that extravagant an office and SIR I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW HOW--

4.5. kory’s so unused to reaching out for help and it’s breaking my heart that HPG likely is some kind of impostor that’s maybe causing her symptoms in the first place. 

kory and dick have mostly been apart this season but it’s remarkable how their journeys have paralleled each other; kory processes her grief, isolation and existential dread into a determination to take care of this new family she has, no matter what it takes; dick does much the same, forging ahead with plans and solutions until he has no fuel left in him and spirals into a massive breakdown.

4.25. listen titans this really is a TERRIBLE continuity error. we aren’t goldfish; we can clearly remember that two minutes ago it was gar’s upper arm that was burned, not his forearm. COME ON.

“sensory deprivation tank” *SNORT*

anyway, gar is the BEST

4.5. i wonder where these visions of experimentation took place. was it on tamaran, or on earth, after she came to hunt down rachel/trigon and before she lost all her memories? is HPG a part of the scientist group that experimented on her? ... god, i hope not. i mean, i think he is, but it would be cool to have some positive therapist representation in media. 

5. you’d think the van transporting a dangerous supervillain that only batman could catch would be more secure but... i’m also not entirely surprised. 

5.15. i love dick gives ZERO shits about hiding himself or even ensuring scarecrow is adequately contained. just turns away after kidnapping him in BROAD DAYLIGHT and says ‘let’s go’. I LOVE THIS DUMBASS

6. lmao gar is having a really really shitty day SOMEONE GIVE THIS MAN A BREAK or just a goddamn story arc of his own

6.5. i’m really confused about the timeline here. so... sometime ago, kory came down to earth to hunt down trigon, yeah? at some further point down the line she and her sister were kidnapped and experimented on. THEN she somehow escapes but... loses her memory? a few months pass and then we see blackfire alive and well and free; she kills faddei, can impersonate other people, and is clearly seeking out kory. but now she’s still in the experiment facility...? what’s going on?

i’m not entirely surprised about the facility being mostly deserted. either the biggest investors in this project gave up on it and it was left to the most fanatic to carry on, or they were deliberately trying to lure kory and get her to free blackfire--expand the environs of the experiment, so to speak.

7. hopefully barbara is going to get something to do other than listen to various men give her Attitude

8. how do you terrorise a terrorist? well:

i love when dick is a scary-competent motherfucker.

8.25. ooooh, the attack on crane at arkham a ploy to get crane to blackgate? nice one dick, i didn’t even think of that. but why though? to protect crane from the titans? to intercept the van to blackgate and “rescue” him? seems likely--red hood was there, except dick got to crane quicker.

9. still reeeallly unclear about the komand’r situation. was komand’r captured after s2? is this all A TRAP?? if so, why are you stepping into the only thing that can contain you, kory????

9.25. so... definite parallels between dick/jason and kory/kom here. i’m just. i’m still. really confused. i’ll shut up now.

10. this may be my favourite dick look yet:

woodsman!dick in a beanie.

10.5. i unironically love how titans has made this bizarrely-devoted-to-his-moniker, toxin-spewing supervillain into a tamer version of hannibal, psychoanalysing his victims into submission. it’s of a piece with how inward looking titans is, the way all of its villains are obsessed with how our protagonists’ minds work, to the point where they would actually spend time inside of them. 

there are no big plots to end the world. no apocalypses or endgames here. these villains collect the titans’ insecurities like infinity stones. the way the titans defeat them is by achieving character growth--literally winning by the power of love. literally “the real superpower is the friends we made along the way”!

10.7. anyway, i’m betting dick is used to this bullshit from crane and is humouring him in the service of getting more information. the story about the wolf? an implicit threat, not to mention dick getting to control what crane knows about him and what methods he would use to manipulate him.

am i giving dick too much credit here? i don’t think so. he’s really impressed me so far this season.

10.75. like. there’s a real unreliable narrator vibe coming off with every person that talks about bruce (much like how the various members of the titans talked about jason’s motivations) and to buy into crane’s talk about bruce being a psychopath is to fall for the same manipulation that jason fell for. dick is the only person who hasn’t really psychoanalysed bruce this season, and i think some part of his detective brain is piecing things together into a bigger picture.

11. i’m glad kory rescued kom but did she have to kill the scientist?

(i mean, yeah, probably - the less people know that kom escaped the less likely they’re going to have the fucking govt on their doorstep, but still.)

11.5. dick’s gonna come back to wayne manor, stare straight at komand’r and go, well which room would you like? because the team might as well adopt ANOTHER person, yeah?

12. oh MAN that red hood/nightwing fight was AMAZING! and he did the thing! the boomerang escrima thing! i’m so delighted!

12.5. the anger and disbelief in dick’s voice when he says you told crane EVERYTHING?! tells me that he knew exactly what he was telling crane himself.

12.75. “everything you are is because of him” - oh that reminds me of halluci!bruce from last season. i hope we see halluci!bruce again--he is so vicious but so entertaining... so much more effective at tearing dick down than crane or jason combined. goes to show that dick’s biggest enemy is own fucking head.

12.8. oh no! dick’s shot! crane is in the wind with red hood! blackfire is now with the titans! i love it!

honestly this season’s pacing is such a big step up from the last couple. gold star, show.

[violetwolfraven]

Ray Molina: Best Dad Ever

For the March 11th explosion of content thing. Just Violet being a fantom and doing my part for this!

Tw: mentioned death, mentioned abusive parents, mentioned panic attack.

So the boys can be seen and heard when directly touching Julie after the whole post-Orpheum glowy hug thing but Ray doesn’t know that just yet.

What he does know is that Julie’s mental health took a rapid turn for the better for seemingly no reason and then a couple weeks later he found out she joined a band without telling him.

He’s not stupid. He knows that’s probably because of the band, though he is a bit confused as to how she even met them.

He kinda figures it’s a kids and your internet tricks thing but there’s some flaws to this theory.

1) He asks Flynn what she knows about the boys only... it seems like she doesn’t know much of anything. That’s weird because he knows Julie tells her practically everything.

2) The boys have American accents despite Julie claiming they’re from Sweden.

3) Carlos is a terrible liar and on the rare occasion Julie actually talks about the boys he gets this weirdly conspiratorial look.

So anyway Ray doesn’t really believe it’s as simple as ‘I met these 3 Swedish boys on the internet’ but he trusts his daughter’s judgement and he leaves it alone.

Anyway he has other things to focus on.

Such as how Ray has literally never been able to keep track of his keys/phone/hats/camera parts/stuff and now it seems to just pop up whenever he’s looking for it.

Also he keeps feeling like there’s someone with him around the house more and more.

Like not a malicious presence like Victoria fears, and definitely not like Rose is around watching him, but like someone is there.

Sometimes it feels like there’s more than one presence around. None of them familiar but all of them friendly.

Oddly enough, whatever or whoever it is feels almost like Julie or Carlos. Young and excitable and like a verse of a happy song. He’s not sure why they’re around, but they definitely don’t feel dangerous, so Ray doesn’t feel threatened.

But some days a better comparison might be to Trevor back when Rose first introduced him. Raw and fragile and very, very sad.

Ray tries to put on happy music or a Disney cartoon or something on those days and he doesn’t quite know why or how but the energy usually gets more positive when he does that.

Anyway after a while of this (after the Orpheum performance) he starts noticing weird things that Carlos and Julie do now.

Carlos will just carry around a small whiteboard and a couple pens and he erases it whenever Ray comes into the room but before he does it almost looks like there’s two, three, or even four sets of handwriting on there.

And he walks in on Julie talking to herself like. All the time.

Carlos doesn’t ask for help on his math homework anymore. Julie makes this insanely good chicken recipe for dinner once and then clearly panics and lies when asked where she got it. Flynn makes a set of rainbow friendship bracelets one day while she’s hanging out at the Molina house but he doesn’t see Julie wearing the match to the one she keeps.

Plus Carrie starts hanging out at their house again?? Out of the blue?? And none of the girls have a good explanation for how they made up??

Then later Nick Danforth-Evans (who Julie used to talk about having a crush on but hasn’t in a while) starts hanging around too and the kid seems... well, Ray doesn’t want to throw the word ‘traumatized’ around, but he’s jumpy and guarded in a way that can only be described as a little bit traumatized.

So all 5 kids are clearly keeping some secret and Ray’s getting suspicious and worried.

He sits them down and asks what’s going on. Like is one of them having problems at home, or..?

The kids, simultaneously:

Julie: no, we’re just all in a play together!

Carlos: we’re fine we’re just ghost hunting!

Flynn: we’re exhibiting bisexual-pansexual-lesbian solidarity!

Carrie: Julie and the Phantoms and Dirty Candi are doing a collaboration album!

Nick: we all joined jazz band??

Ray’s calling bullshit at this point.

Then Julie and Nick both look up directly at the same spot, somewhere a couple feet above the arm of the couch, which is seemingly just empty air.

Whatever it is, it doesn’t seem like the other kids can see it but they all seem to be waiting for something and Ray is wondering if they’re sharing a hallucination??? Are they all on drugs??? Should he be worried???

Then Julie says to meet them in the studio in 30 minutes. Flynn, Carrie, and Nick go home to give the Molina family some alone time.

*cue music performance where Ray is introduced to the boys*

So anyway Julie and Carlos (with the help of the ghosts whenever one of them has something to say and grabs Julie’s hand) give him a clearly-sugarcoated version of the last few months.

Ghosts of Trevor’s dead bandmates help Julie reconnect with music, they form a band, they meet another ghost, other ghost accidentally gets them involved with evil magician ghost, Nick got possessed, Carrie figured it out and helped plot to get him un-possessed, evil magician ghost is still out there and they’re sticking together so he can’t get any of them in the future.

Despite how they say it like it’s no big deal, Ray now understands why the kids have been acting so weird because all these things sound scary and painful.

Also the more he thinks about it, the more he worries about the fact that he has three 17-year-old boys sleeping in his garage who died terribly of food poisoning.

They are children and they died incredibly painfully and then almost got enslaved and/or erased from existence.

Then one day Ray’s feeling one of those presences around the house again and he realizes it’s probably one of Julie’s ghost boys.

Ray: who’s there?

Whoever it is freaks out and leaves, and Ray takes notes for next time.

The next time he feels someone in the room, he has a notepad ready and he writes down “Luke, Alex, or Reggie?” from what he remembers from Julie’s introductions.

Immediately, there’s a spike of anxiety in the room.

Ray: it’s okay. You can stay and we don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. I’d like to know who it is I’m not talking to though.

There’s a few seconds of hesitation, and then the pen picks itself up and the name “Reggie” gets circled.

Ray: the bassist with the flannels, right?

Yeah, written in a teenage boy’s messy scrawl.

Ray: okay, do you want to watch a movie?

More hesitation, and Ray’s not sure what that’s about but he’s starting to suspect with the amount of fear still in the room, and there’s a good 20 seconds where Reggie doesn’t respond before I don’t know.

Ray: Moana or Tangled? Moana.

After that, he takes a page out of Carlos’s book and gets a small whiteboard with 3 pens that stick to it magnetically. Red for Reggie, blue for Luke, and pink for Alex.

Reggie has written conversations with him most, but Luke does sometimes too and Alex does least often but he’ll still request a movie occasionally.

All of them are wary around him and Ray doesn’t quite know what to do to earn their trust. But he asks questions about their preferences on things. He says they did good on their latest show. He remembers which movies are their favorites and introduces them to music he thinks are their styles.

Luke is a big fan of Fall Out Boy and Reggie fucking loves Taylor Swift.

Alex is less consistent but occasionally Ray will play a song and he’ll write something like This is a cool song.

He starts to be able to tell which energy is which even before they write who it is right around the time the boys start to be visible for longer and longer after playing.

They play a really good show and stay visible for like 2 full days and that’s the first (but not the last) time Ray really gets to get to know them.

He starts noticing after really good shows like that one how even more now that they can be seen, they’re all a little... off from how Nick and Carrie and Flynn act around him.

With Luke it’s mostly because he’s trying so hard to impress because *gasp* he and Julie are a thing but there’s still a little bit of tension that seems like it comes from something deeper than just being nervous around his girlfriend’s dad.

With Reggie it’s subtle caution. Like he’s happy to be hanging out with Ray but he’s constantly ready for something to go wrong. There’s a catch in his smile, a hesitation before he states an opinion, a practiced carefulness where he changes the subject at any sign of even mild frustration.

But with Alex... it’s mostly just avoidance. Like if he poofs in while visible and it just so happens that no one else is there, he’ll find an excuse to leave.

And Ray lets him, of course. He doesn’t want the kid to feel trapped. But all of the boys’ behavior bothers him.

On the rare occasion they spend more than 2 seconds together Alex is really quiet. He won’t admit if Ray guessed wrong about a song and he doesn’t like it even though his body language makes it clear he’s not vibing with it. Actually, his body language pretty much just spells I am very uncomfortable in every situation where Julie or Carlos went to the bathroom or someone went to grab a snack and they’re alone even for 5 minutes while he’s visible.

Ray’s not stupid. He knows three 17-year-olds don’t end up getting their instruments left to their only living bandmate’s new best friend’s family by having good relationships with their own families.

He doesn’t exactly want to bring it up, but he kind of knows.

Then one day he’s sitting with all 3 boys watching a movie while he fixes something on his camera and Julie and Carlos are at school and he messes up a little part that means he has to start over (don’t @ me I know nothing about cameras) and swears out of frustration louder than he meant to.

He reaches for the screwdriver on the coffee table and

And Reggie and Alex both flinch.

Ray hadn’t even noticed they were tracking his movements, but while Luke seems to just have moved his focus from the TV to his friends in concern, Alex and Reggie both look too tense to play it off.

He figures its as good a time as any to have a chat cause these boys aren’t his sons but they don’t have anyone else acting as a parent figure to them and he feels the need to take care of them. He pauses the movie.

Ray: Can we have a talk? About you boy’s families?

Naturally Luke jumps in to try to distract him immediately, telling a story about his dad taking him fishing once, but he stops when Ray asks him to stop.

Ray: That’s not what I’m talking about and I think you all know it.

The boys are all still silent. Luke looks 500% ready to deflect again. Reggie and Alex look more like they’re expecting to get yelled at or worse.

Ray: I just want to help. I’ll drop it if you want me to but I want you to know that I would never do something to hurt any of you intentionally. You can talk to me about anything if you need to.

He means to make it an option of ‘you can talk but you don’t have to if you don’t want to,’ but the boys clearly don’t take it as such with how Luke starts talking immediately.

Luke: I ran away when I was 17. My mom and dad didn’t want me to stay in Sunset Curve, I think they thought it was going to get me into drugs or something.

They have a short talk about parents having good intentions not equalling them being right to push Luke so hard they pushed him away and it’s okay to feel hurt by that and then press play on the movie again and Ray thinks he sees all 3 boys relax somewhat during that.

A couple weeks later Reggie comes in visible and hesitantly asks about watching this series he saw when Carlos was scrolling through Netflix once.

Mid-episode he blurts out

Reggie: I don’t want to look for my parents and I feel weird about that.

He rambles for a while about knowing he was lucky that his family had money and his mom and dad told him they loved him and stuff but also he remembers so many fights between them where he felt caught in the middle and it never ended well if he chose a side but there was no way to win because they’d both turn on him if he didn’t so it was just this constant balancing act to try to prevent fights in the first place.

Reggie: I felt like I was walking on a tightrope. Like, all the time. I tried so hard to keep them from getting mad at each other or at me. Only it never worked and it was always a question of when they were going to snap next and it was confusing cause one day we’d go to the zoo and everything would be fine and the next they’d yell at me and send me to bed without food.

He feels guilty for not wanting to put in the effort to find them because he’s pretty sure on some level they did love him but he doesn’t want to see them again.

And he doesn’t want to know if they even miss him at all because when he got older and the fighting got too intense he would sneak off to Luke’s or Bobby’s and no matter if he stayed away for an hour or a couple days they never seemed to notice he was gone.

Ray listens and a lot of things about Reggie start to make sense. How he’s so careful not to catch him in a bad mood. How he shuts down whenever anyone raises their voice. How he helps out so much in an effort to stay on Ray’s good side.

It’s a day and a half after the latest show so they can’t really hug but Ray does what he can to provide comfort and validate his feelings anyway because damn Reggie is a good kid and he didn’t deserve that.

Reggie and Luke get more comfortable with coming to him for meaningful chats, or even just to vent about whatever’s going on lately.

Eventually they seem to feel almost as comfortable with him as Julie and Carlos do so it kinda becomes a routine.

Like Julie will ask for cuddles when she’s sad about missing Rose or she’ll walk in and vent about Carrie and Flynn being so obvious about liking each other but somehow not realizing it’s mutual and she and Nick are 3rd wheeling and going insane.

Carlos will excitedly ramble about his latest baseball practice shenanigans for an hour but also sometimes ask for someone to watch old home movies or listen to old CDs from Rose and the Petal Pushers with him.

And that’s normal. That’s been Ray’s life since his kids started talking. But the thing is that it’s just as normal when

When Luke tells how he’s still angry about his music getting stolen because it feels like a part of him was taken away and he worked hard on those songs. Also one day he very shyly admits

Luke: I like Julie a lot.

Ray: I know, kiddo.

Luke: You’re not mad?

Ray: As long as you two make each other happy, no. I’m happy for you.

And it’s just as normal when Reggie talks about missing his little cousin Kelsi and wondering where she ended up only for them to look her up and find out she’s a major Broadway writer/director now oh my god— and also

Reggie: I think I like boys. Like boys are cute. But I know I’m not gay because girls are cute too and ugh it’s confusing it’s probably nothing I guess everybody goes through this.

Ray: Have you ever thought you might be bisexual?

Reggie: Bi-what-now?

Ray, already digging out his old flannels that he would have passed down to Julie except they’re too big for her: It’s okay to like both, kiddo.

All this is great of course. It’s great how Reggie and Luke aren’t afraid anymore and they feel validated and seen and listened to.

But months have passed and Ray notices how Alex remains separate. He still avoids Ray when he can and stays quiet and cautious when he can’t.

Like Ray still senses Alex around him sometimes but never right after a show when he’s visible. He doesn’t come to him with problems. He’ll stay and listen when Ray plays a song he thinks he’d like, but he still seems so cautious and Ray doesn’t know how to help.

He asks Luke one day while he’s introducing him to a Wicked bootleg if he’s done something specific to scare Alex away.

Luke gets this really dark look on his face and he just

Luke: Let’s just say that my parents didn’t do everything perfectly, but they’re saints compared to Alex’s.

Ray decides to drop it, but Luke wants to reassure him.

Luke: You haven’t done anything wrong. He’s just not very comfortable around most adults in general. It’s one thing when we’re invisible, but...

Ray: I just wish I could help.

Luke: You do help. But it took a while for Alex to trust me.

The conversation ends there because Luke starts getting really into Defying Gravity.

But then that night Julie comes in with a kind of out of character movie request so Ray thinks Luke talked to her.

Because Julie does not like most romcoms that aren’t musicals. She gets bored. But she requests Love, Simon anyway.

Ray kind of sees what she’s trying to do there because now that he’s thinking about it the boys haven’t really seen many things with queer rep. Especially not queer main characters.

And nobody’s really told him that Alex is gay but cmon he’s an elder bi. He has accurate gaydar so he can support his queer ducklings.

Despite how the boys all know being gay is more socially acceptable now (they found out about Nick’s dads and the girls gave them the ‘gay marriage is legal now’ talk) they still seem kind of baffled by how there’s an entire romcom centered around a gay boy and it did well.

From there Ray tries to find more movies and tv shows with canon queer representation.

And he keeps giving Alex space but also trying his best to show him that he’s not like his parents.

For a long time nothing changes beyond Luke and Reggie getting increasingly comfortable with him.

Well that’s not completely true actually cause Reggie starts tagging along to photo shoots and becomes Ray’s unofficial mostly invisible assistant.

Then the band plays an amazing show and the boys stay visible for a full week.

Around the middle of that week, Ray goes out to the garage to find Reggie and see if he wants to come on a photo shoot.

Reggie isn’t out there but Alex is.

And he’s crying. Hard.

He looks like he’s going to poof out when he sees Ray there but Ray’s already 100% ready to do exactly what he always does when he walks in on Julie or Carlos crying.

Ray: Alex. Hey, buddy, it’s okay. I’m here. It’s going to be okay.

Alex freezes and it breaks Ray’s heart how that kind of concern is clearly not what he’s expecting.

Ray: Are you okay with being touched?

Alex looks kind of like he’s in shock but he nods.

He clearly doesn’t really know what to do with it but he kind of melts into it when Ray hugs him and he just sobs on his shoulder.

When he’s stopped crying enough he starts rambling about how he’s been looking everywhere but he can’t find Willie.

At that point he’s basically having a panic attack so finding out what’s wrong takes a backseat compared to calming him down and Ray knows how to do that because he and Rose used to do that for Trevor all the time.

Ray: Alex, breathe. In for 4 counts, hold for 7, out for 8. Breathe with me.

It takes a couple minutes until Alex has calmed down enough, but once he does, Ray asks what’s wrong and what’s happening with Willie.

He only vaguely knows who Willie is from what he’s been told by the other kids but he knows he’s important to Alex.

So Alex takes a deep breath and explains that Caleb confronted him and basically said the boys had to join his house band or he would make sure he’d never see Willie again. And he doesn’t want to ask his family to sacrifice themselves for him but he doesn’t want to lose the boy he loves either.

Ray wants to throw hands but from what the kids have told him about Caleb, he has a better idea.

Ray: Here’s what we’re gonna do, buddy. Reggie said Caleb has this super catchy number, The Other Side of Hollywood?

Alex: Yeah?

Ray: How quickly do you think Luke and Julie could come up with an arrangement for you four to cover that and how desperate do you think Covington would be to make sure a video of that never gets published without crediting him?

Alex: :o

Spoiler alert: Julie and Luke, in collaboration with Carrie, can come up with an arrangement very quickly.

They do a private performance of it and film it and basically blackmail Caleb into letting Willie go.

Willie has an empty house that used to be his parents’ that he still considers his so he mostly crashes there if he needs to. Also he loves skating around so much that he never stays in one place for very long.

Julie can see him but she can’t make him visible so it’s a little odd but Ray gets an orange pen for him for the whiteboard and he finds skateboarding videos and stuff for when he visits.

They eventually figure out that he can be part of the magic by adding him to the band so they give him a tambourine and yay now Willie can be seen but that’s later.

The biggest immediate change to come out of all this is Alex.

He’s not afraid of Ray anymore for the most part (healing isn’t linear and he can’t help a few bad days) and he starts actually talking to him. Not about serious stuff but he’s talking. Mostly just rambling about how Willie makes him feel or how Luke and Reggie have been being annoying lately.

Then one day he comes in really nervous and says something about Reggie saying he talked to Ray about his parents.

And Ray confirms it and asks if there’s anything Alex needs to tell him.

Alex sits down and clearly he’s been holding this in for a long time and he just unloads how he came out to his parents because his youngest sister found his diary and he was scared she’d tell them. They didn’t react well and when he cried out of fear and frustration his father... gave him something to cry about.

His father did that a few more times, trying to ‘make him man up,’ and Alex never told his bandmates but he always knew they could see the bruises and that was why Bobby made it so clear his garage was open and his house was a safe place to run.

But Alex didn’t no matter how bad things got because he guessed some small part of him thought he deserved it but mostly it was about how his oldest sister dropped out of college and ghosted the family and Alex was the next-oldest so he felt responsible for protecting his younger sisters even if they both had learned behaviors from their parents and hated him.

Then that summer he found out his parents were planning on sending him away to some Christian camp where they’d ‘fix’ him.

Alex made it clear that he wouldn’t go and if they tried to make him he’d run away, but their ultimatum was that he couldn’t live under their roof if he was gay.

So he didn’t. And it was a situation somewhere between getting kicked out and running away, but he packed a bag and never went back.

He ran to Bobby’s house, he wrote a whole bunch of angry songs, and he tried not to think too much about how he understood why his older sister left and how he was doing the exact same thing to his younger sisters.

By the time he’s done explaining everything Ray’s trying not to cry but Alex is definitely already crying mostly out of anger.

Alex: I hated them all. I hated Molly for leaving me and I hated my mom for turning my little sisters against me and I hated my dad for hurting me and I even hated Anna and Josie for not standing by me and I just hated them all so much. I still do. And it is so stupid that I feel guilty for that because they were terrible to me and I was 16 and I didn’t deserve that but I do feel guilty for it because they’re my family and I hate them.

Ray doesn’t have much to say because damn this is heavy stuff but he assures him that after what he went through he has a right to hate his blood family.

Alex tells him awkwardly when he’s calmed down a bit that Luke is the only other person he’s ever told about all this, because after he ran away they dated for a few months before figuring out that they were better as friends.

Reggie and Bobby guessed parts of it and Julie probably has too but none of them have asked and Alex thinks he might tell Reggie and Julie someday if it ever comes up but he never did end up telling Bobby.

Ray assures him that he won’t tell anyone and also that he would never do that. He would never do anything to hurt Alex or the others on purpose.

He makes a silent promise that no one will ever hurt one of his kids like that again and if Caleb or anyone else ever tries, they will regret it.

But anyway on to happier matters.

Willie visits a lot and he’s a little skittish around Ray but he loosens up after he jokingly mentions one time that Willie and Alex are like the beginning of the Sk8ter Boy song.

Alex and Ray might be Denim Jacket Buddies but once Ray digs his old leather jacket out of the closet he becomes Leather Jacket Buddies with Reggie.

You’d think he has to tell Carlos and Reggie off the most for breaking things but he doesn’t. It’s Carlos and Luke.

Also Ray doesn’t consider himself an overprotective dad but Julie and Luke are not allowed to be alone in a room with the door closed.

Neither are Alex and Willie technically but it’s harder to enforce it when they’re both ghosts.

Lmao all the kids follow the rules anyway because they love Ray and he’s not being unreasonable.

He helps Julie in her plot to get Carrie and Flynn together and also he helps Nick plan how to make a move on that cute boy on his lacrosse team.

Because Nick loves his dads but they’re disaster gays. Neither of those men can properly flirt. They fell in love because of a baseball rivalry and Nick doesn’t trust their advice.

Pride month rolls around and Julie makes sure to book a big gig the day before the parade so the boys will be visible and tangible.

Trevor’s on tour and can’t get away and Flynn’s parents are working and Nick’s are busy too so Ray finds himself escorting this whole little gaggle of various queer ducklings to pride.

Carlos isn’t quite sure what he is yet so he’s just got a rainbow flag painted on his cheek and a shirt that says I love my bi sister on it.

Julie’s all decked out in the bi colors, complete with ribbons braided into her hair and a flag to use as a cape. She made the tutu herself and it took her hours but it turned out really good.

Luke’s got a tank top with the pan colors and a trans flag as a cape and also yknow face paint of course.

Reggie browsed thrift shops everywhere until he found a flannel in the bi colors and he’s got that along with pink purple and blue laces in his combat boots and what Ray is really hoping is temporary dye and not spray paint in his hair.

Alex has a rainbow shirt that matches Willie’s and matching bracelets with Flynn. Also he painted rainbow hearts on his cheeks and put a lot of effort into them and they look really symmetrical.

Willie’s of course matching shirts with Alex and also he has sparkly rainbow socks and a flag to use as a cape.

Carrie’s got a whole ensemble in the lesbian colors complete with a pride wig and also matching necklaces with Flynn.

Flynn’s matching colors with Carrie but more in her style with of course matching jewelry with the people closest to her. She’s got friendship bracelets corresponding to Alex and Julie.

Nick’s got a pan tshirt and a fedora with a ribbon in pink yellow and blue plus face paint cause all of them have face paint. Nothing too crazy.

Meanwhile Ray’s got a bi bandanna and one of those shirts that’s like Free Dad Hugs.

Plus everyone did each other’s nails with varying degrees of success the night before and Julie did Ray’s so they turned out good.

Nick’s lacrosse buddies and the rest of Dirty Candi are around somewhere but they didn’t ride in the same car so they’re not that relevant.

They party. Celebrate being alive. Idk I’ve never gotten to go to pride.

And afterwards they all go back to the Molina house and the couch isn’t really big enough for all of them but it’s okay it’s not like they know how to sit correctly anyway.

They all kind of pile together and cuddle and watch movies until Flynn and Nick’s parents can come pick them up.

And Ray just looks around and realizes that

Sure only 2 of them are his biologically

And 3 of the others have good parent(s) who are actively a part of their lives

The remaining 4 are technically dead

But he has 9 children and he’s totally fine with that.

Cause he’s Ray Molina: best dad ever.

Victoria’s head is going to explode when she finds out that not only is the Molina house really haunted, but he’s adopted the ghosts.

[an-odd-idea]

BTS “ON” music video: The most probable interpretation I came up with

I didn’t know exactly what was up in the music video, and I heard even they didn’t know what was happening, so I tried to figure out what might be going on.

The boys and other people live in a land behind a high wall that people are afraid to venture beyond. I think the other side of the wall may represent facing your demons or confronting the problems with the world, and the people behind the wall choose to hide and live in denial or apathy instead.

When the video starts, fighting has broken out between the people who want to venture beyond te wall and the people who are against it. Seokjin is one of the people who wants to go out. The dove on the arrow is one he sent out to see if anything can live on the other side of the wall, but someone has shot it down to stop him. He’s starting to despair of ever getting any answers.

Jungkook also wants to go past the wall. Maybe he got too eager and was arrested for stirring up the people too much. He may have been thrown out beyond the wall with the expectation that he’ll die there, or maybe he was going to be executed and is escaping where he knows they won’t dare follow him. The way Seokjin looks to the side right before it switches to the scene of Jungkook running, it might have been him who helped him escape, and now he’s thinking of him and hoping he makes it.

The song starts, and Jimin is singing about not being sure who to believe or what to do. He’s standing between a pile of discarded drums, and one person playing a drum: the many who gave up and the few who press on.

Taehyung is apathetic. He’s stranded in the desert with the little girl, with nothing meaningful around, and he’s more or less accepted that they’re both just going to stay there. He kind of doesn’t care anymore and is just laying there, since he feels there’s no point even trying to change anything. The blindfold on the girl might be because he’s trying to hide the dismal situation from her and let her keep thinking it’s okay for as long as she can, before she has to open her eyes and realize how empty their life really is where they are.

Namjoon has a ship in the desert, with animals around him. This looks like a clear reference to Noah’s ark, which also connects to Seokjin’s doves. Namjoon’s lyrics talk about knowing what to do but being afraid; maybe he knows he needs a flood to get himself and the animals in his care to somewhere they can live, but he’s afraid. The boat is battered and the sails are torn; he’s shipwrecked before he can even begin, because there’s nothing he can do while stuck behind the wall.

While Namjoon sings about moving awkwardly and uncertainly forward, that’s what Jungkook is doing as he stumbles along. Life beyond the wall, and confronting whatever demons he’s been hiding from is a lot harder than he thought, but he’s trying to press on. At the same time, we see that the land there is much greener and richer than the land behind the wall, with trees instead of deserts and open grassland.

Seokjin enters a room with many empty bird cages; he’s been doing this for a long time without success. The lyrics say you can’t get him down because he’s a fighter, and he looks like he’s going to keep trying.

The lyrics then say “carried myself into a beautiful prison” while we see Jimin still trying to make up his mind. The people living behind the wall are hiding by choice. They have a life there, and it’s a kind of okay life, but they’re missing so much by staying inside.

The chorus starts, talking about bringing the pain on. Seokjin finds hope in the form of another dove. Jimin starts to move toward the man with the drum as he decides he wants to go beyond the wall, too. Namjoon seems to be struggling over a decision. Jungkook starts running again, no longer looking back like his being chased but seeming determined, and they all push on despite the difficulty.

Finally, Jungkook gets too exhausted and falls. Based on the next scene, this may represent part of the old him dying. Right after Jungkook falls and his eyes close, we see Hoseok surrounded by strange, skeletal trees. Jungkook is laying in the background and a bird appears to be picking at him. Jungkook isn’t actually dead, I think, but this represents part of his old self dying as he changes.

Hoseok is dressed differently from all the others, in much more modern looking clothes, and my theory is that he’s an early scout who went out to see what it was like beyond the wall. His old self died, too, but he’s alive and healthy while surrounded by what looks like death. He’s learned to live while facing the demons and his lyrics talk about pain, but also that he now knows the way and has air and light. It’s difficult, but he’s doing well and now has a fuller life than he did before. He can’t go back to the place behind the wall, and hasn’t returned.

Yoongi immediately echos Hoseok’s last line. They stand for the same thing, and may have worked together trying to persuade people to try going past the wall before. Hoseok has been gone a while, and most people might think he’s dead, but Yoongi believes he’s still alive and is trying even harder to persuade people to go out and hopefully find him. He looks like he’s talking to a group of the people’s leaders, who are ignoring him, but he doesn’t care, as the lyrics say.

Taehyung starts to think there might be something more and takes action for the first time, getting up and going to the little girl. He sings “gotta go insane to stay sane” like he still thinks this is crazy, but he’s tired of living somewhere so empty, and can’t sit idly by and let the little girl live that way too. Jimin begins walking forward while singing about being a fighter.

The gate in the wall, covered with plants from how long it’s been closed, starts to open as Taehyung takes the blindfold off the little girl. He wants her to open her eyes and see the hope for something more that he has now, but to do that he also has to stop trying to hide the current situation from her. She has to decide for herself whether to stay where it’s safe but empty or to go out into the unknown. She takes his hand and decides to go.

Jungkook isn’t dead. He’s on his feet again, looked tired, but calmer and more sure of his decision to leave the wall now. He encounters a pond, a contrast to the desert we’ve just seen Taehyung and the girl in. He starts to sing about pain as well, but just like Hoseok, now he’s not afraid. He chooses to descend into the water like the lyrics say about choosing to descend into an abyss, and he’s starting to really embrace the life on the other side of the wall, although his hands are still tied.

The other boys start to walk toward the open gate where Taehyung and the girl are, and now they have other people following their example. Hoseok is back, presumably because the gate is now open so he isn’t going back to being trapped there. I think it’s sweet that he walks so close to Yoongi and bumps his shoulder; maybe now that he’s actually about to go outside Yoongi doesn’t feel quite as brave as before, but Hoseok’s been there already.

Jungkook puts his bound hands in the water, and they’re set free, as Seokjin sets the dove free. Jungkook’s wrists, which were cut from the thorns tying them, are also healed. The boys have chosen to confront whatever demons there are, and it’s setting them free and making them better. The land on the other side of the gate for the others doesn’t look quite as lush as it does around Jungkook; they’re still afraid and not completely sure yet.

The water in the shell Jungkook picks up looks beautiful, and maybe that’s supposed to make sure you know life is richer out here; the pond is the first water we’ve seen in the video, after lots of scenes in dry places, so that’s a neat scene.

I’m not sure why Jungkook blows on the shell. Maybe to show he’s made his decision and he’s committed to life outside the wall, or maybe to signal to people still inside that he made it, and they can, too.

Then dark clouds roll in; it isn’t going to be quite that easy. The boys have to confront the versions of themselves in the red robes who still want to stay back. The ones who want to leave are dancing like their lives depend on it, and the versions of them who want to stay only have to stand there, because it’s much more effort to change than to stay. This is the first time all seven of them have been together in the video, and I assume they win now because they’re there to support each other. There’s fire and a volcanic eruption; it’s scary, but then the land beyond the wall springs into bloom; they’re sure now, and they’re ready to go.

Namjoon leads them on, which is a cool touch, since we saw him earlier unable to take the animals in his care to a better place; now he can actually point to something good ahead. It also helps that he has people with him now who will also support him.

They’re walking uphill now (climbing Pride Rock, apparently) and moving slowly, maybe because it’s still harder than they anticipated. Jungkook sees seven (hard to count, but it has to be) doves flying above them, gets a burst of energy again, and starts running toward the top of the cliff with the others following. Does it represent the leap into a new world, are they about to jump off and start flying or something? Heck if I know, but what a cool video.

I may have totally made all that up, so don’t take my word for it, that’s just what I got from the video.

[callme-chaos]

Tommy SMP (DSMP)

H-hello? How did you get in here? Tommy doesn’t usually let randoms in. Uhhhhh lemme just consult the list real quick. What’s your name?

Huh. Doesn’t sound familiar. Buuuuuuut there you are. On the list. What’s your purpose here then, pal?

A tour? Well, the person who usually does the tours is out in the moment… But I guess I could show you around. If you would like to follow me – yeah just ignore the holes and stuff. They’re just remnants of a couple of wars we’ve had.

What kind of wars? Bro, where have you been?

Not from around here? Evidently. Well, first there was the Disk Wars. You see, Dream had these cool disks but Tommy really wanted them, you know? And this is /Tommy SMP/ and not /Dream SMP/ after all so there was all that. Then there was this Quackity kid who tried to start a nation and Tommy didn’t really like the look of that. And so Tommy and this Ranboo guy decided to blow it all up – I don’t remember the details. You see, I’ve been away… uhhhh… travelling so I don’t really see too much of what goes on here. That and I seem to be forgetting a lot of things… I really should fix that-

Huh? You’re confused. Buddy – I haven’t even told you about the Egg yet!

Yeah! An Egg! I can show you it right now actually. Just follow me.

The vines? Yeah! They’re a nice shade of blue but they’re a real pain to cut down, you know? They just seem to grow back stronger. Now, just pop down this hole here – yeah just straight down.

Oh! Ah. I really should have warned you about the fall damage, huh? I’m sure we can pop into George’s bakery later and fix you up. Providing George is in his bakery… He stopped baking a while back.

Why? I don’t actually know. I’m not really too involved in the politics around here (travelling and all that) buuuuut I heard a rumour that him, Ranboo, Charlie Slimecicle and Technoblade have started like a secret club. Not sure exactly what they do but if Ranboo is involved it can’t be good. Anyways! Here’s the Egg. Don’t step too close though – I’ve heard it has some serious manipulative powers. Niki’s best friend Foolish got transformed by it the other day. She was quite upset. I think she runs a cult in the Egg’s honour with Ponk or something now. She’s nice but pretty scary when she wants to be, I’ll tell you that much.

The Egg is giving you weird vibes? Yeah. You and me both. The blue is giving me shivers actually. Shall we continue our tour elsewhere?

Next? Hmmmmm. I know! I’ll take you to Hannah’s castle and museum. They’re a great tourist spot! Follow me.

Yes we have a museum! History has been made here on the SMP, I’ll have you know. This SMP was founded by the Tommy Team made up of the hot-headed, dashingly attractive Fundy; the greatly popular, widely enjoyed Bad Boy Halo; and, of course, the 1000IQ man himself, TommyInnit. Though, Tommy… hasn’t been about much… lately… not since… you know…

Well, if you don’t know I hardly have the time to explain now! (I’ll maybe show you later if we have time…) Anyways! Here we are: Hannah’s museum. This miserable little dark room here is a recreation of L’Manberg’s Final Control Room. Back in the first L’Manberg verses Greater Tommy SMP war, L’Manberg’s founding fathers (Schlatt, Sapnap, President Quackity and Vice President Dream) were all betrayed by a member of their own battalion: Hannah-Rose. They were dark times, kid.

You want to know more about President Quackity and his right hand man Dream? Well, they were incredibly close – practically brothers. They both went through a lot together. Until Quackity finally blew up L’Manberg and was subsequently killed by his own father, Charlie Slimecicle.

I didn’t say they were dark times for nothing, you know? Dream took it harder than anyone. And Tommy took the opportunity to traumatise and manipulate the fella further. Tommy even managed to convince Dream’s best friend, Schlatt, that he was the root of all problems on the SMP.

We couldn’t believe it either. Dream did have one friend, Ranboo, for a while. But they ultimately disagreed on their ideas of justice and went their separate ways.

Sad times, indeed, kid. Anyways, where to next… Oh! Hello, Eret! How are you doing?

Ah. He’s busy. Off being cracked at bed wars I suspect.

What’s the big black building over there?

Uhhhhhhhh… Have you seen HBomb’s hotel? It’s great this time of year! Just this way, matey. Technically it belongs Dream but HBomb briefly took it over. There was some kind of dispute between the two guys – nobody here really takes HBomb that seriously. (Personally, I blame the ancient skin he still wears. Kid really needs an update, you know?)

That? Oh, I suppose you can still see some of the remnants. That used to be Punz’s UFO. Someone blew it up but I’m not entirely sure who…

How do I know it was blown up? Look, I’m just taking Quackity’s word for it.

He did die but then he was recently brought back to life. He spends most of his time with Dream outside Las Nevadas.

Las Nevadas is basically the Tommy SMP version of Las Vegas. It’s pretty cool actually – wanna check it out?

Cool! We’re actually heading in the right direction for that anyways. So, where are you from?

Yeah, I gathered you weren’t from around here but where are you actually from?

…Not gonna tell me? Fine. So be it. You sure are a mystery, huh?

I’m not flirting! I just- I… Ah! Look at that! We’re already here! It’s pretty dramatic, right?

You should see it at night. Everything lights up and it is magnificent.

It belongs to Wilbur. He’s the head honcho around here. He’s here alongside Puffy and Phil. Oh! Speak of the devil, if you squint a little bit you can see Phil down there now, bouncing around. He’s a cutie really – though his puns do get tiresome.

What do you mean “you don’t get tired of puns”?

…Are you human?

…What a terrifying answer. Okay! Moving on!

I’m aware that it’s one of the ugliest structures in existence – but you can’t blame Wilbur and Las Nevadas for /that/ abomination. That’s what Quackity and Dream installed last time they were here together.

I know it’s phallic but you don’t have to say that out loud! Come on, man, have a little class.

That up there? That’s Schlatt and Techno’s “cookie castle” as I like to call it. When Dream was exiled, Schlatt met Techno and they started getting really close. They’re everybody’s favourite couple now. I think it’s a friendship that will last a long time, you know? They seem to have a lot in common.

Like what? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh They’re both American?

Look, if you know, you know.

Alright! Next – shall we have a change of scenery? Las Nevadas can get quite… heated, so perhaps we can give the snowy biome a visit, yeah? Now, when we get there it’s important to tread carefully: the forest is enchanted, practically everything there will eat you and, worst of all… Ranboo lives out there.

Ranboo? He’s a terrifying force of nature. I heard he slayed an entire army all by himself, owns a pet polar bear and he helped Tommy take down the entirety of L’Manberg. Ranboo and Tommy – they’re one formidable duo.

No no! There’s no need to be afraid! Apparently Ranboo’s arsonist days are over and he has his carer Charlie Slimecicle watching over him so he’s been relatively quiet recently. I like to think their neighbour Technoblade has been a good influence on them both.

Technoblade is a gentle soul. Poor kid just wants to make everyone happy, you know? I wish everyone was more like Technoblade sometimes – the world would be such a different place…

Nah, nobody can really sleep soundly – not when Antfrost and Purpled are still out there. The Eggpire and Las Nevadas never really rest when it comes to their members. Oh! But by far the worst person to come across – the real reason I haven’t slept in weeks on this server – is… Oh. Oh dear. I think I’ve summoned him. Walk this way – quickly! – and don’t make eye contact…

NO JACK I HAVE NO DESIRE TO WITNESS THE JACK MANIFOLD “GRIND” NOW PLEASE TAKE YOUR FILTH AND YOUR CAT-MAID OUTFIT AND GO BOTHER SAPNAP OR SKEPPY INSTEAD!

…Alright, no need to look at Jack like that.

Jack Manifold in a cat-maid- no. Don’t make me lock you up in Pandora’s Vault along with- uhhhhhh.

Forget I said that. Speaking of Skeppy, he built Schlatt and Techno a beautiful mansion around here somewhere-!

He also built an extraordinary diamond sculpture a while ago-

Please no.

…I guess you leave me no choice then, huh? I guess, I can show you the prison – but we have to be really, really careful, okay?

Who’s inside? Well…

I didn’t forget! It just… Tommy. Tommy is in the prison right now.

Well, of course I didn’t want to tell you! It doesn’t really look good on the server when the person its named after is locked up for life for doing unspeakable things.

No! I’m not gonna tell you what unspeakable things he did – it wouldn’t make them unspeakable then, would it?

…I don’t believe anyone else is in there, no. Why?

Ranboo? Nahhhhhh! Ha ha! What do you know, you silly goose! Well, before we go into the prison, we’ll have to get Puffy’s permission. She’s really strict about who she lets in and out of the prison and takes her role as prison warden very, very seriously. No one has ever died or been injured or brought back to life or wrongly imprisoned while the prison has been in her care.

What do you mean – “not convincing”? If you don’t trust my word, then that’s a /you/ problem.

…The prison is this way. Now, when we get in let me do all the talking… You know what? Perhaps you should stay outside. I’ll go in, talk to Puffy and try to get permission to go in – but I make no promises, understand?

…Alright, wait here.

…

…

…

Puffy said no.

No, it was a pretty definitive no actually. Wh-where are you going?

You can’t! Puffy hasn’t given you permission!

There’s nobody in there /to/ save. Tommy deserves to be in there-

There is nobody else in the prison!

You’re insane.

No, I won’t let you.

…

…I don’t think so, matey. Feel that sharp object between your shoulder blades?

I figured you did. That���s my sword. I am not afraid to push it through your chest if it means keeping you out of that prison. Understood? Now, step away from the prison.

Thank you.

…I think that concludes our tour. Perhaps it’s best you- oh! Karl is here! Karl Jacobs! Over here!

Yeah. He doesn’t talk ever but he’s still a great guy, you know?

Oi. Wave back. It would be rude not to wave back.

My name? Oh my goodness! I totally forgot to introduce myself! (Though, you never really asked until now anyways…)

It’s okay! I know I talk a lot – it can be difficult to get me to shut up sometimes – ha ha!

My name is Callahan.

[razorblade180]

interdimensional dads 5 (Finale)

Orange, Blue, and Purple all make a drum roll on the table as they stare at Red, who is sipping coffee and trying not to laugh at the lunacy that is quite literally, himself.

Jaune: Y’all dome?

*drum roll stops*

Jaune:Yep, your turn. You have to be the buffest for a reason right?

Jaune:And look like you’ve seen shit?

Jaune:We’ve all been through shit. We’re us!

Jaune:Yeah, but you’re you.

Jaune:How- I’m not arguing with that one. Okay, my turn. Since you brought it up, we, I gained weight for a little bit and eventually got back into a workout routine. I might’ve went a little overboard but no one complains.

Jaune:Alright, now we can back this story up and start from wherever you like.

Jaune:Aight, I guess I start with my universe beating Salem. By that point, Ruby and I had been together for awhile. I think we were always together to a degree ever since RNJR formed. We obviously didn’t actually say anything but the time we spent felt different. At least for me it did. Maybe mourning Pyrrha had something to do with it but by the time Yang and Weiss showed up at Haven, Ruby and I were definitely on “friendly terms”

Jaune:Aaaaayyyyeeee!

Jaune:You two are too much. Haha, let him continue.

Jaune:We were trying to keep it lowkey but I’m sure everyone knew. Back to Salem, that was insane. If you were to tell me I’d help save the world when I was only 19 then I’d laugh.

Jaune:Wait...19? I was twenty.

Jaune:Same.

Jaune: I was 21! Are you saying Ruby beat Salem at 17!? That’s insane! Which one of us has the strongest versions of our friends? I never thought about it until now.

They all got silent and thought about it for a moment. That was a very good question.

Jaune:Ummm mysterious voice? Do you have an answer to that?

[Each person varies, but a majority is between Orange and Red. For example, Orange has the strongest Blake, while Red has the strongest Sun.]

Jaune:What about in terms of team RWBY?

[The feats in all universes make that a close race. Red, Orange, and Blue have extremely powerful Yangs that would most likely in a brutal draw. Collectively, the strongest team RWBY would be a tie between Red and Orange]

Jaune:Makes sense, my worlds peaceful.

Jaune:And mine doesn’t have any organized threat against it, just the dangers of living in a world trying to grasp the concept magic and gods again.

Jaune:Well we might not have a concrete answer but I’m sure my wife beats your Ruby. After beating Salem we continued traveling the world to thin out grimm threats, just the two of us. Not that the others didn’t want to but they needed a moment to breathe. Ruby and I however, we were kinda on a high of being the heroes we always dreamed of.

Jaune:Your victory lap was more adventure? Yeah you’re definitely built different from me. My Ruby went on missions but even she took a minute just to breathe. It was a very short minute, but the minute none the less.

[Comparing the two is like comparing an lone apex wolf to a jaguar.]

Jaune:Well then....all of that sounds scary.

Jaune:It wasn’t long before we got a house together. Built it actually, in Vacou. It’s a nice little spot over looking the town and another one in the distance. When Ruby was 19 she had really gotten into her stride and was only getting started. Also, I married her. I had known for awhile that she was the one so why wait? I wanted to go on all of her adventures and create new ones with her.

Jaune:Aaaaawwwww

Jaune:Things were like walking on sunshine. All of Remnant knew about Ruby Rose, the huntress that saved the world with her friends. Then at 21, I got her pregnant. *scratches head*

Jaune:I know that scratch. That’s the “My bad” scratch!

Jaune:Okay, it wasn’t exactly planned. I was thrilled when I found out since I did want kids with her. I learned a month after she knew though because she wasn’t sure what to think at first. Ruby was perfectly happy being the hero, she hadn’t even hit her prime yet technically. When she told me though, it was after she had talked about it with Tai and thought about it. I think she might’ve been happier than me.

Jaune:My Ruby would give anything to have a kid.

Jaune:Mine would give anything for her husband back...

The mood suddenly got a little less cheery with that statement.

Jaune:Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring the mood down.

Jaune:It’s fine...this next part....isn’t happy. It’s the reason I fell out of shape, and partly the reason why I look like I’ve gone through shit.

Jaune:Oh....no...

Jaune:You lost the baby?

Jaune:Yeah but uhhh, not the way you’re thinking. The pregnancy was fine, the birth was a little rough but it was fine. A little baby boy, Dustin Arc-Rose. I saw him for about five minutes and then he was stolen, by Neo and Cinder. I must’ve ran the fastest I’ve ever had that day. Faster than even Ruby can move on a good day, and yet they got away. Yang, Weiss, and I stood on the roof of that hospital and watched the airship fade into the sunset. I must’ve stayed up there for hours, screaming. Yang and Weiss kept it together for my sake but not by much.

Jaune:Dude I am....I am so sorry that you went through that.

Jaune:We showed mercy to Cinder the day we beat Salem. It came back to bite us. Things fell apart after that. I shutdown, the others felt guilty, especially Yang. As for Ruby, she broke a little. She looked longer than anyone else for a lead and drowned herself in work for about a year. In that time we didn’t talk, I never knew where she was, if she’d come back. Tai ended up taking me to live with him and unfortunately, time wasn’t gonna wait for anyone. Lives had to be lived, Yang and Blake still had to get married. It just didn’t happen with Ruby.

Jaune:How did you even find the strength to keep going after that?

Jaune:In my world, Yang is my closet friend. Thick as thieves, the two of us always try to pick each other up. She never hesitated to be by my sad whenever I asked. I don’t think I could’ve made it without her since Ruby was gone. One day however, the two of them showed up out of the blue. Ozpin had decided to confront Ruby. For once I was glad he meddling in our lives. He got her to start moving on and come back to me. That day I realized how special my friends are. Most people would’ve looked down on me for failing, not going after Ruby, breaking down, but not them. They wanted me back on my feet for my own sake. Just like they wanted for her. I’m really blessed.

Jaune:That’s good. Friendships that you want to live for, I’m glad we wall have that in common.

Jaune:Yeah. Ruby and I took some time to be together after that. No work, no leads, just healing. In that year she was gone, Ruby had become a juggernaut in the huntsman community. Even got a nickname, The Storyteller. Keeping up with someone like that meant getting back into shape. Those months we spent together gave us a slither of the joy we had missed. Eventually, thanks to Yang having her child, we found the courage to try having another one. Her name is Carmine and she’s my gorgeous daughter. We even have another son much later named Garnet.

The other three Jaune’s clap happily.

Jaune:Yeah, that’s definitely a lot of shit to go through.

Jaune:Hats off to ya.

Jaune:How’s Carmine?

Jaune:*puts head on the table* Uuuugggghhh!

Jaune:Yeah, that’s sound you make when you have a headstrong daughter. Who does she take after?

Jaune:That’s just it, she doesn’t really. Not in personality anyways. Carmine is a bit weird socially. She can be pretty blunt, making her sound rude. She doesn’t mind having friends but at the same time keeps them at arms reach. She says they would slow her down. Not to mention her and Ruby’s vision of what a huntress should be doesn’t match up perfectly so they end up butting heads on occasion. Still, Carmine is sweet if you know how to talk to her and understand her words.

Jaune:She gifted?

Jaune:*inhales*....Carmine is genius in battle. We taught her ourselves and sent her to regular school so she gained a bit of social skills. No one outside of selected few knows she has silver eyes. Carmine wears red contacts typically. New types of grimm pop up regularly so Cinder is obviously alive and well. Can’t be too careful.

Jaune:Sounds stressful. I’d rather deal with cult and my world’s grimm problem than Cinder. How old is Carmine?

Jaune: She’s 17 and more impressive than Ruby was at that age if I’m being honest. Though I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. We’ve done our best to give her a normal childhood as much as possible. I think what we gave was an odd mix of normal and insanity.

Jaune:Honestly, same.

Jaune:What do you mean Carmine is more impressive? Ruby was awesome since day zero at Beacon.

Jaune:Silver eye use, age five.

......

Red took a sip of his coffee while everyone tried to wrap that around their head.

Jaune:Since a young age, I knew Carmine was special. She has a difficult time showing up but she loves the Remnant we’re trying to build and the people in it that want to do good. I’ve seen her look out over cities before and I could feel the immense desire she had to preserve it. That girl has a strength I don’t think I could take credit for. That stern look, height, hair, and guitar skills though, That’s me. The tipsy of her hair are red though. She’s like a half ripe strawberry, hahaha.

Jaune:Sounds like an incredible girl. Must be pretty popular.

Jaune:If she could come off a bit nicer she would! I’d give up Pumpkin Pete’s for life if this kid could learn to work well with others. I’m glad people like her cousin and a couple of others that can deal with her. It’s not all bad. They know to bring out the normal teenager with her.

Jaune:Is she like Ruby and panics at rats?

Jaune:No, but she can’t deal with spiders. We have grimm spiders that are actually terrifying and that ruined normal spiders with her too.

Jaune:Grimm spiders? How big? A boot size?

Jaune:SUV....one spun her in a web. It was really bad.

Jaune:Fuuuuuuck that! I’d hate spiders too!

Jaune:Yeah but she has fun. Ballet, sleep, horses, etc. You just have to get her to work up to it.

Jaune:What about your son?

Jaune:Garnet? He’s five, has fat cheeks, and is probably eating some dry cereal right about now. He’s Ruby’s little teddy bear and is chillin. He’s probably the only thing that makes Carmine a big softie at the drop of a hat.

Jaune:Sounds like you’re doing pretty well for yourself? That’s good.

Jaune:We have struggles but we make things work somehow.

Jaune:I still can’t believe Cinder killed your kid. I don’t think I’d ever recover.

Jaune:Lost....we lost a kid. Killed wouldn’t be the right word. Dustin...just isn’t....it’s complicated. I don’t wanna talk about it.

Jaune:Sorry.

Jaune:It’s fine. That aside, I think most things life throws at us, we’ll handle just fine.

Jaune:What do you think Carmine is up to right now?

Jaune:Good question. I don’t think she’s on any mission or working with local authorities currently. If it’s morning then she’s in the garden. Playing with Garnet if it’s the afternoon so he’ll tired out. If it’s night time then.....

xxxx

“STAY AWAY!!!” A man screamed, shooting four bullets down a dark alley in the middle of the night. His target, a pair of shimmering red eyes that patiently stalked him from the shadows as he sprinted away. Each bullet seem to go right by his target so he continued running for his life, making a sharp right turn around a corner.

“You know eventually I’m going to catch you right?” Carmine said as she walked. “I’d rather you not make this longer than it has to be Tommy. We could be done by now if you just spoke to me.”

The only response the girl received was the sound of footsteps getting further away and a chain link fence being shook. Carmine sighed and looked around her before picking up a trash lid. She hurled it against a wall to her left and that was ahead in front of her, making it bounce off towards the right. The hunk of metal made its way around the corner with a whack! Followed by a heavy thump that hit the ground. Carmine continued walking until she turned the corner and found her target on the ground. He was rubbing his back in pain and groaning.

“Come on, I know I didn’t hit you that hard. The new head of crime orginization wouldn’t go down so-”

Suddenly the brute lunged at her, revealing a previously concealed dagger. Carmine was quick to react however, and grabbed his wrist before the blade could make contact with her exposed stomach. Carmine then twisted his hand down word and forced his entire arm slam down to the groun; the blade pierced the ground at her feet. Thick yellow liquid secreted from blade and soaked the ground.

Tommy felt his stomach dropped as he looked up to see the young girl staring down at him unimpressed. He went to reach for the knife but Carmine placed her boot on his hand, hard.

“Gah!”

“See? Now that’s what I was expecting. Too bad you’re not so good with knives. I guess you figured you didn’t have to be when it had Deathstalker venom in it huh? Now... let’s talk.”

Carmine rubbed her foot into the ground, causing Tommy to grit his teeth in pain.

“Stop!” He pleaded. “You’ll break it!”

“It won’t break if you talk fast enough. Tell me what I want to hear. A month ago you weren’t in charge. A tubby guy was and he always kept crates of his equipment in a warehouse outside of town. Then someone apparently shows up to have a meeting, tubby is enraged and kicks them out. Now he’s dead and you’re in charge, moving all of his stuff after you had a meeting. Are you getting the picture I’m painting?”

Tommy’s face goes pale. He starts struggling harder to free himself but it’s not working. Carmine can see the man start to sweat as if he got caught in the rain.

“Now I know what you’re thinking, if you tell me who obviously threatened you to move the crates, then they’ll kill you. But that’s the thing about the future Tommy...”

Carmine lifts her foot and swings it right into his face. She watches Tommy hold is face in pain before rolling him over and putting her knee on his back. Carmine grabs the knife and spooks him by stabbing it beside his face.

“It happens later. Focus on the present. Focus on what I could do to you right now and how to prevent that. Then you can think about your future.” Carmine said, not an ounce of playfulness in her voice.

“I....I....w-well I-”

“Before you try lying to me, I know how Deathstalker venom works. Only the babies are venomous and those are extremely hard to find here. Admittedly I don’t know you well but I know your men. They don’t have the patience or brains to find any here, because there aren’t many. So you either got the venom for this knife by being very diligent, going to a different continent, or someone got you the critters.”

Carmine leaned in close, barely away from his ear. “Or should I say made you some, instead of gathering them? Tommy, where is Cinder Fall?”

Tommy felt like he could vomit at any second. He couldn’t let intel leak. He sold his soul to a witch and now he has to live with it. “I....I can’t say.” He whispered, his lip trembling.

“I see. The fear is too much for you. Should’ve chose a different line of work. Maybe you’ll change your tune if you learn to fear me more?” Carmine grabbed the knife. “This won’t kill you but I doubt it’ll feel good either.”

Carmine lifted the knife and held is hand in place. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath to calm herself. She tried asking nicely. “Sorry....”

“CARMINE!” A loud voice echoed through the alleyways and made the people in it freeze. Tommy tilted his head up and got goosebumps. On the roof was a person everyone knew and criminals wish to avoid. Ruby Rose, he hadn’t seen her in person before. The woman’s cloak covered the area as she jumped down gracefully.

With no noise, her heels hit the ground and stood before the pinned man. Her piercing silver eyes borrowed into him and her long hair blew out of her face by the alley draft. Tommy’s back freed of Carmine’s knee and the young girl raised him to his feet. While Ruby’s expression was calm and oddly inviting, Carmine still looked at the man annoyed. Time was valuable and he was wasting hers. He might’ve escaped the knife but now he was stuck between two women that could all but erase him.

“Y...You’re Ruby Ro-”

“I had this under control by the way.” Carmine cut him off. “Don’t see why you intervened.

“You had him terrified and about to wet his pants. That’s a bit much don’t you think?” Ruby put her hands on her hips and shook her head. “No need to be so intense.”

Carmine mimicked her mother’s gesture. “And we care about the state of people like him why? Lackeys and gang bangers with too much ego have no right to be coddled when they’re rotting the city away from the underbelly. People like that might as well disappear.”

“Carmine that’s not how....” Ruby let out a long sigh and looked at Tommy. He was clearly trying his best to remain calm. “Sorry about her. You know teenagers, always intense in one way or another.” She let out an embarrassed chuckle.

Tommy flinched again when suddenly a burst of red petals spun around him. Next thing he knew, handcuffs were on him and his back was against the fence he tried to climb earlier. The pair of red and silver eyes stared him down from just out of the shadows. Yet he could still see Ruby’s more positive demeanor.

“I’m going to jail?” He groaned.

Ruby stepped towards him. “Depends, Tommy.” She reached out and grabbed his shoulder. “The thing is if you go to jail and I bring you in, Cinder will no doubt send someone to try and kill you. Truthfully, it’s not a bad outcome, for me. I’ll just attack your killer and get more info out of them then you most likely.”

“But...you’d stop them before they kill me, right?”

Ruby shrugged, “I can only go so fast. Who knows what could happen, Tommy. Can you take that chance, knowing you will be at the mercy of circumstances around you for gods know how long?”

“N...no” Tommy gulped.

“I mean I could let you run away right now like nothing happened, but any more meetings with Cinder would be absolute hell on your nerves because there’s no way you can keep this from her. What’s worse, you could fuck up and give us information accidentally overtime and then she’d really be mad because we’ll keep an eye on you as long as you’re doing things we don’t like; an unwilling pawn for both sides until someone knocks you off the board. How does that sound to you?” Ruby’s grip got a little tighter.

“Pr...Pretty bad-

“PRETTY BAD!?” Ruby shouted. “Tommy, you will not come out of this well. You’ll probably be dead within the month if I let you leave right now. So my question is what are you gonna do to save your own skin? Because I know what I would ask for in your situation.”

“What’s that?” He asked, almost desperate for his freedom

“I would spill my guts out to the hero because they would at least try to keep you safe if you behaved. Tell me what you know and I will personally take somewhere where you’ll have a fresh start with a new name, a new life that isn’t Illegal. You’ll still sleep with one eye open just to watch your own back but you also know there’s someone who is actively stopping the person who’d want you dead in the first place. Get off the chessboard Tommy. It sucks to be an expendable pawn.”

Tommy could feel her hand trembling. Was she...nervous? No, she was sympathetic. The way Ruby looked at him wasn’t to scare him. She was stating facts and didn’t want him being another statistic. This was the huntress everyone talked about. The one that gives lifelines and creates new endings where they shouldn’t be possible. The was Ruby Rose, the storyteller.

xxxx

Ruby holds up an envelope to the light before facing Carmine, the sound of waves rocking a boat behind them with Tommy in it. Ruby was a woman of her word. She’d take him somewhere safe.

“Here” she held out the envelop for Carmine. “Take it home, no need for me to lug it across the sea.” She waited for Carmine to say something, anything. The girl only nodded and took the thin piece of paper.

Carmine started to walk off but heard Ruby take a step towards her before stopping. She looked back to see her mother frowning, an expression they were both sharing. Ruby looked at her daughter with her emotions clear as day. It was weird to be eye level with her. Without heels, Ruby would be looking up. Carmine had gotten so big the last few years. It was hard not see her as still little.

“I...I know we don’t agree on certain things, and I also know you feel like I helicopter over you. I don’t do it because I don’t trust you or anything like that. Fact of the matter is...I’m your mother. If I can find a way to solve a problem without you doing something drastic, even if you’re willing to do it, then I’m gonna step in. Just because you’re willing to make the tough calls, doesn’t mean I won’t try to keep them away from you. They weigh people down and I don’t want that for you. You’re my daughter, I love you...”

Ruby always hated their fights. It’s why they don’t do missions together. No matter how strong Carmine is, she’ll always be Jaune and Ruby’s little girl. Truthfully, she didn’t hate it at all. Carmine hated arguing too, if not more.

“I get it mom, I do. Perhaps...I was a tad hasty tonight. Thanks for...showing up.” Carmine scratched her head in embarrassment. Since when did talking to her own mom get so rough. “I love you too.” There, she said it.

Ruby gave her daughter a gentle smile and opened her arms, hoping for a hug. She knew she might be getting a bit too mushy right now but unexpectedly, Carmine walked over and embraced it without question. Ruby wasn’t about to complain. Any affection was welcomed at all times when it came from Carmine. Ruby finally let her go and got one more look at her daughter. Time sure does fly.

“My beautiful girl. I saw the trash lid truck by the way, that was pretty badass.”

Carmine playfully rolled her eyes and opened the evelope. Ruby watched the girl read over the paper several times before handing it back. “Got it.”

Ruby’s eyebrows perked up in surprise. A shocked smile came soon after. “You’re-”

“Of course.” Carmine cut her off. She put her hands together and made a glowing red rose form between them. She placed the thing right behind her mother’s ear and smiled. “See you at home?”

“Yeah, I should be back before morning.”

“Good, I’ll have breakfast waiting for you then.” Ruby watch her daughter start to walk off before Carmine slowly blew away into red and yellowish rose petals.

“My oh my, that daughter of mine.” Ruby chuckled. “I can’t wait.”

xxxx

“Done.” Carmine said, rewriting the information down as she layed on the couch. On top of her was her adorable baby brother, fast asleep like he should be. She reached for a candle that lit the room and blew it out. All in all, not a bad night in the slightest. One step closer to their goal. One step closer to the end.

Part 4

Wanna start Rosebud < Part one is a click away.

[girlllthatsgrim]

NSFW Alphabet (Harry Potter Version)

James Potter

A= Aftercare

I think James would be very attentive and fun after sex; he would be that guy to leave in the middle of the night and buy food at a diner just because the two of you are hungry. He would also be the one to have a pillow fight before and after doing the deed.

B= Body Part

The favorite part of his body would be his penis; it’s kind of arrogant, but he was very proud of how long and thick he was. As far as he was concerned, he had the best of both worlds. Like Sirius, James is also an ass guy. I can see him and Sirius just watching girls pass by them and eye the trunk to see what’s going on. The bigger the better.

C= Cum

Since James looks like a messy person to me, I think his semen would be all over you; Your chest, legs, back. I don’t think he would do this on purpose all the time to degrade you, but he just ejaculates a lot. It has to go somewhere.

D= Dirty Secret

Sirius and James are very similar in personality(it’s almost scary) so I do think that James would also be a slight exhibitionist too. The difference between them, however, is the fact that James has more of an ego than Sirius. In his mind, the first humans were practically naked so why can’t he do the same? I also think that after his partner finds out about this and they’re offended by it, he would still continue to do it because he doesn’t care.

E= Experience

Similar to Sirius, James would have tons of experience too - though I think Sirius would have a bit more just because he’s more of the smooth talker while James is a bit rough around the edges. He still got skirts though.

F= Favorite position

To be honest, I don’t think James would have one. Unlike Sirius, James is an even split between dom and submissive AKA a switch. Every time the two of you would have sex, the positions would change; I would attribute this to his overall incessant creativity. He is a prankster afterall.

G= Goofy

Goofy is this guy’s middle name; he would be the one to make sex or dick jokes and girls can’t help but laugh at them. This would translate into the bedroom as well and I think it would be super fun. Depending on the girl, he might tone it down a bit, but I think James would be cracking jokes non-stop.

H= Hair

If there is one thing that James is known for, it’s his hair. While it looks nice on his head, I think James would be the type of guy to shave on a regular basis just because it feels better for him. On a woman, I don’t think he would mind if she was hairy as long as it’s maintained. He would definitely tease you about it though by saying something like, “Queen Kong is looking quite delectable today.”

I= Intimacy

Based on what I’ve read about him, James appears to be someone who values true love. Obviously, he’s been with other women, but he was always searching for the right girl. Furthermore, if you factor in the type of parents he had (whom I think loved each other very, very much), that would cause him to be a hopeless romantic. I wouldn’t be surprised if he played a really slow love song on a record player while the two of you had sex. He might even sing along too. He would also shower kisses all over your body, loving the fact that he’s found the right woman. James would also be the kind of guy to use pet names more than your real name as well; something like ‘love’.

J= Jack off

Because James is a hopeless romantic, I think that once he finds that one girl - that’s it. You’re all he can really think about because you make him so happy. James is, I think, a deeply passionate person and sometimes that passion translates into masturbating quite a few times. Not every single day, but if you were apart for an extended period of time he would definitely “pull the skin”. He would tell you when he masturbated too, which is weird, but that’s how he is. I think he would also be quite loud about it imaging his lady love. Though when you masturbate, it’s a whole different ball game; that would set him off real quick.

K= Kink

He would have a few, namely impact play and orgasm control. Since James likes ass, I think he would revel in spanking - especially when he switches to his dominant side. I also think he would like orgasm control because James is a big tease outside and in the bedroom; he would control your orgasms simply because he can.

L= Location

James is as adventurous as Sirius is - I would argue even more than him, but he would always prefer to do the deed in the bedroom. He would joke and say something like, “Why so shocked? Did you want to sneak into McGonagall’s office instead?” Obviously, he was kidding, but just because he preferred the bedroom does not mean he wouldn’t take risks.

M= Motivation

James seems like he would be a wonderful dancer and I think he would like girls that can dance well too. I think It would really turn him on seeing a girl dance to something similar to Ciara or even Shakira. I also think twerking(if this kind of dance existed in the 70s) would drive him absolutely insane since he’s an ass guy.

N= No

Dirty talk wouldn’t be his thing. It’s bad enough that he sometimes ejaculates all over you. He does use pet names, but never anything like degrading like ‘bitch’ or ‘slut’. I’m positive his mother, Euphemia, would be absolutely horrified to hear that he called his girlfriend that and I’m sure his father would thump him upside his head for that too.

O= Oral

As a switch, I think James would enjoy both -not really favoring the other over another. Which is why if you would ever want oral from him, he would suggest the two do you do 69 to even out the playing field.

P= Pace

Generally, his pace was fast, but that was because he got so excited when you two had sex. His passion can’t be contained in that moment especially if you played with his curls and cried out how much you loved him.

Q= Quickie

Yup, he would be the guy to do quickies.

R= Risk

If you weren’t a risk taker before you met James Potter, you will soon become one because this guy is the #1 risk taker out there. He is considerate of your feelings on things, however, that doesn’t mean he isn’t going to try and persuade to the Gods on why the two of you should have sex on the Quidditch field.

S= Stamina

For some reason, I imagine James Potter to be quite muscular. Not WWE material, but because he has to be physically fit for quidditch, he most likely has a pretty nice six pack. So, I think his stamina is impressive for that reason; he could probably go on for about 7 or 8 rounds.

T= Toys

He wouldn’t be one to be a Johnny Raincloud, but I think he would be against using toys on his lady. James considers himself to be quite a great lover so why would his partner need a sex toy when the real thing is right by her? Even if she really wanted to, I believe James to be very stubborn despite his adventurous nature and he probably wouldn’t yield.

U= Unfair

I mentioned this under Kink, but he is a big tease.

V= Volume

If I had to compare him to Sirius, James wouldn’t be as loud where he’d wake up everyone, but he would definitely be more obnoxious about it.

W= Wildcard

I think he would be into a good massage from his partner, especially after a rough day at quidditch practice. However, him being the extra person he is, I could see him stripping down naked for it just to see you all hot and bothered.

X= X-ray

Flaccid: 6

Erect: 8

James is one of those rare cases who has both the length and the girth. He certainly has a reason to be proud.

Y= Yearning

Having good stamina sometimes relates to a guy’s sex drive and I think James would have a pretty high sex drive generally. For one, he’s always working out and some studies show that people who exercise more tend to have higher libidos. Second, he has the love of his life on his arm 90% of the time. Of course, he could control himself when he needed to, but if push comes to shove you best believe he’s wisking you away from prying eyes.

Z= ZZZ

I highly doubt James would fall asleep before you since he’s a powerhouse of pure energy; give it a half hour and he’ll be out by then once he sees that you’re asleep.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

John Gaskell

Why I like them: Oh, John. One of many, many Holby characters from the last few years with massively wasted potential. His early episodes showed so much promise, and it helped that he was played by the incredible Paul McGann. He was, essentially, a darker version of Henrik, and on that level, he really worked (again, particularly at the start of the storyline, but we saw glimpses of it start coming back towards the end too).

The scene that defined John Gaskell as a character, to me, is in Report To The Mirror, when the staff break into his lab only to find he's abandoned it, having left Lana (the coma patient he was trying to help because she was the daughter of a woman who'd helped him when he was trafficked) cut open on the table.

His early episodes seemed to imply he genuinely wanted to do good for people - especially for Lana, but not only (we know he only found out about Lana and tried to help her after his seeming success with Laszlo) - but was very, very ruthless and unethical in how he was going about it, and I always found that bizarre relationship with morality incredibly fascinating (I just wish it had been explored more).

Why I don't: On a character level: I mean, he. He murdered people. That's kind of a big deal. 😂

On a writing level, I despise how he was just written as a caricature of "those scary crazy people". Like 90% of the "ooh isn't John being creepy and evil" scenes were just him being visibly severely mentally ill, only about 10% was actually him doing bad things.

Favourite episode: Anything written by Andy Bayliss with him in it, because Bayliss was like the only writer who actually seemed to care about John as a character and want to flesh him out into a more complicated character rather than just an ableist stereotype. So basically, One Man And His God or Report To The Mirror would probably be my favourite John episodes.

I have complicated feelings about Stains - Patrick Homes was really leaning into the "scary crazy person" stuff with that one, but it does give some really interesting insight into John's character, I think. And Paul McGann's performance was brilliant. So I'd probably have to count that too.

Favourite season: Series 19, even though he was only in it for 4 episodes. Just because the morally ambiguous John of his early eps was so much more interesting than the bad-horror-movie-villain version we got later on.

Favourite line: I mean, "I won't let you go" is iconic, so there's that.

I also like his speech about good and evil to Nicky in We Need To Talk About Fredrik, because it shows how much more interesting the version of John who had a really bizarre sense of morality was than the version of John who just did evil stuff to be evil. I can’t be bothered to go and watch the scene again to type the exact quote out though.

Favourite outfit: I liked the outfit he wore in Stains. Dark blue suit, lighter blue shirt, red tie. His outfit in No Matter Where You Go There You Are part 2 wasn't too shabby either.

OTP: Johnrik, obviously. I really can't see him with anyone other than Henrik, except maybe with Henrik + the rest of the Cryptid Squad in a polyam situation.

BroTP: Him and David! They really seemed to be quite close from what we saw of them in Group Animal part 1, and part of why I wish we'd seen more of David is so we could've seen more of his friendship with John.

Headcanon: I keep forgetting this one is even a headcanon, but: John struggled with psychotic symptoms for much of his life, not just when we start seeing him show them in canon (which is only in his last few episodes).

Also, he listens to My Chemical Romance.

Unpopular opinion: It will never not disturb me how the fandom seemed to hate John for being mentally ill more than they hated him for being a fucking murderer. Like, seriously. Why the hell is it that whenever the fandom wanted to insult him, they always went to talking about how "crazy" and "insane" he was? He literally killed people and you still can't think of a better insult?

A wish: I just wish he'd been written better. Mostly, he just ended up being Fredrik if Fredrik was a caricature of mentally ill people. Also, I wish he'd (or at least his hallucination version) gotten to kiss Henrik in Report To The Mirror.

An oh-god-please-don't-ever-happen: I really hope the show doesn't end without him ever being mentioned again. ESPECIALLY if Henrik and Russ are indeed going to end up together, they had better give John some acknowledgement as Henrik's first male love interest and the character responsible for making Henrik bi onscreen in the first place. If John hadn't existed Henrik/Russ would almost certainly never have happened, least they can do is mention him again and explicitly, irrefutably acknowledge that Henrik was in love with him.

5 words to best describe them: Once again, he wasn't developed enough as a character for me to have any words to describe him... :/

My nickname for them: I don't really have one, although I feel like I should.

[your-angle-of-music]

Anyone want my playlist for my dream cast version of Les Miserables?

Here it is!

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyXOfYb8cpflTuoC6FuFMwyCuD60-V0J4

It’s as close to the full show as I can get. Let me know if I miscredited anyone, am missing any major songs, or have anything listed out of order. I’m happy to be convinced that a different version of a song should reign supreme as well, so hit me up!

Song/actors list and explanations under the cut.

1. Overture/Work Song - Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean, Terrence Mann as Javert (Original Broadway)

It’s a big, bombastic, awesome beginning. I definitely vibe with the especially over-the-top synth and these particular convicts’ generally growly, desperate tone. Wilkinson’s Valjean, eternally my favorite, doesn’t seem feral like some versions I’ve seen, but rather like he’s trying so hard to just be good and get through this and keep it together, until he snaps a bit at “My name is Jean Valjean” and the way he acts that gives me chills. Mann’s Javert seems more cold than over-the-top aggressive, which I always like, although he doesn’t stick out thaaat much to me.

2. On Parole/The Bishop - Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean, Paul Monaghan as Bishop Myriel (10th Anniversary)

I love everything about Wilkinson’s Valjean’s “freedom is mine” bit. His unique diction and his perfect tenor-ness and the hope in his voice...yeah. The way he hits and holds that “fliiiiiiiight” note is also pretty perfect. It sounds like the scream he was holding in the whole time he was in prison. I also appreciate Monaghan’s Bishop’s sudden earnestness at the “But remember this, my brother” part and the way he holds that last low “I have bought your soul for God.”

3. Prologue/What Have I Done? - Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean (Original London)

Wilkinson’s Valjean seems to make the beginning part properly fast and frantic, then switches to a gentle, heartwrenchingly vulnerable tone, then his absolutely anguished “this is all I have known.” As always, he excels at those high notes and long notes.

4. At the End of the Day - Lea Salonga as Fantine, Alfie Boe as Jean Valjean, Jeff Nicholson as the Factory Foreman (25th Anniversary)

All the women here sound so angry, at everyone and everything, and it’s pretty great. Honestly, it was Nicholson’s factory foreman here that really caught my ear, with his nasty “oi!” after the “and in a bed” line and his frankly terrifying “on your way!”. I like Salonga’s Fantine’s note of desperation, although she honestly could sound a little angrier. This track includes a tiny bit of the beginning of “I Dreamed a Dream” and then cuts off — sorry about that.

5. I Dreamed a Dream - Maureen Moore as Fantine (1988)

Something about this recording makes it sound like it’s much older than it is, and that slightly echoey sound makes it sound all the more haunting. A lot of Fantines sound enraged here, and I like that too, but something about Moore’s just utter sadness and vulnerability just sells it for me like no one else can. She sounds so young, because Fantine is. And then the way she belts “shame” is perfection. The way she goes from quiet and gentle at the beginning to desperate belting at the end and then the soft last lines murders my soul every time.

6. Lovely Ladies - Randy Graff as Fantine (Original Broadway)

Honestly...I haven’t found a version of this song that I love yet. There’s still this air of humor to it that feels incongruous at best and mean-spirited at worst. But I really like the worn-out, older sounding voices of a lot of the women singing to Fantine, and Graff’s Fantine’s anguish and slightly breaking voice is definitely good, as is her “don’t they know they’re making love to one already dead?”

7. Fantine’s Arrest - Caissie Levy as Fantine, Nathaniel Hackmann as Jean Valjean, Earl Carpenter as Javert (2014)

I love Levy’s Fantine here, with her fear and her fierceness. The way she spits out that “even a whore who’s gone to the bad won’t be had by a rat” is perfect in every way, as is her pleading after. Carpenter’s Javert has a lovely bass and is also cold and punchable, as all Javerts should be. This is one of the only songs on this playlist I have a video for, and I appreciate the blocking; the women crowding around Fantine and then fleeing, and the way Hackmann’s Valjean keeps his distance from Fantine and generally radiates  respect and tenderness.

8. The Runaway Cart - Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean, Terrence Mann as Javert (Original Broadway)

Thank you @lesbianrung for this recommendation! The ensemble sounds frantic and scared here, sometimes screaming more than singing, but for a chaotic scene like this, it works. Mann’s Javert is more reserved here than some I’ve seen, a bit more like the authority-fearing, self-loathing Brick Javert. Wilkinson’s Valjean sounds like a wreck when he’s begging someone to help him lift the cart, does a great little nervous laugh on “say what you must, don’t leave it there,” and belts his “how can you be sure that I am not your man” to excellent effect.

9. Who Am I? - Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean (Original Broadway)

Hey quick question did I mention that I love Colm Wilkinson? God that tormented shiver in Valjean’s voice...the softness of that last “I am damned”..his buildup up to “I’m Jean Valjean”...the way he hits that last “two-four-six-oh-oneeeeeeee”...yeah no there is one (1) Jean Valjean and that is Colm Wilkinson.

10. Come to Me/Fantine’s Death - Ruthie Henshall as Fantine, Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean (10th Anniversary)

Henshall’s Fantine sounds so gentle yet so powerful here. The way she sings “I will sing you lullabies and wake you in the morning” absolutely shatters me and always will.Her belting sounds beautiful and clear and perfect, vulnerable yet strong. The way she fades out on her last word, “wake,” is utterly haunting. Wilkinson’s Jean Valjean sounds soft and caring, and the way he half-breathes a lot of the words is. Oh.

11. The Confrontation - Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean, Philip Quast as Javert (10th Anniversary)

Quast’s Javert has a true bass quality that really, really works, like in the way he says “you’ll wear a different chain.” In general, the way he seems to bite off his words and the steely determination of his voice is perfect. He balances really well with Wilkinson’s Valjean who, for the first time, sounds scary, but can switch to softness for the dead Fantine. The last “I will be there” is excellent all-around.

12. Castle on a Cloud - Zoë Hart as Little Cosette (Original London)

Hart’s Little Cosette is insanely good! She really does sound like a little kid and still has awesome acting and she’s in tune! Her “there is a lady all in white, holds me and sings me a lullaby” bit is heartbreaking.

13. Master of the House - Barry James as M. Thenardier, Gay Soper as Mme. Thenardier (International Symphonic)

James and Soper are my favorite Thenardiers of all time, by far. I like this longer version that mentions M. Thenardier’s Waterloo shenanigans. James’ Thenardier sounds gleefully evil, and I like his whispery, growly tone or rowdy almost-shouting. You can absolutely hear his nasty grin. His affected r-rolling also reminds me a lot of the Brick characterization. Soper’s Mme. Thenardier has a weasely quality to her voice that seems appropriate, but she does not shy away from the ruder lines (”lifelong shit,” “not much there,” “up the master’s ass,” etc.) and she, like her husband, seems to be having a lot of fun and lapping up the attention. I adore how she delivers her “bastard in the house” line.

14. The Bargain/Waltz of Treachery - Barry James as M. Thenardier, Gay Soper as Mme. Thenardier, Gary Morris as Jean Valjean, Marissa Dunlop as Little Cosette (International Symphonic)

Morris’ Valjean and Dunlop’s Little Cosette’s “la la la la la la la la” harmony is amazing and tender and adorable and may or may not make me cry which is not supposed to happen before Act II. Morris’ delivery of his “now her mother is with God” and “I stand here in her place” lines is powerful, too. The Thenardiers sound delightfully sleazy and dramatic, too. I like that Morris’ Valjean sounds actually angry at them, unlike many others I’ve seen. I almost have to admit though, I miss the movie version of the final lines, where they had “Will you be like a papa to me?”/”Yes Cosette, yes it’s true, I’ll be father and mother to you,” while here, like in other stage shows, they have “Will there be castles and children to see?”/”Yes Cosette, yes it’s true, there’s a castle just waiting for you” because 1) I like Valjean’s father and mother role that Hugo kept talking about in the Brick, and 2) in the musical, it seemed pretty clear that there weren’t actually any other children around Cosette until Marius showed up!

15. Suddenly - Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean (2012 movie)

Yes, I’m including this song from the movie. Honestly, I don’t like the song itself that much, and I don’t think Jackman’s Valjean has the strongest voice, although his acting is extremely sweet, and when he almost whispers “full of light” and “like the sun” I definitely almost lose it. But I’m mainly including this song because the musical really did need a song that fills this role. The stage musical devotes a weirdly small amount of time to Cosette and Valjean’s relationship, considering that it drives Valjean’s actions for the rest of the story and it is central to the Brick (and one of my favorite parts of it, too). This is the first time that Valjean has ever felt truly loved in his life! Something suddenly HAS begun!

16. Look Down - Ross McCall as Gavroche, Anthony Warlow as Enjolras (International Symphonic)

I fell in love with this version because of the ensemble, honestly. It started out loud and powerful and strong, even more so than the Overture/Work Song bit. McCall’s Gavroche is beyond perfect, though. He is strong and sassy, and angry too, more than most Gavroches in the beginning, but he also sounds so young! Warlow’s Enjolras has an incredibly powerful voice as well, and makes a pretty awesome first impression.

17. The Robbery - Carrie Hope Fletcher as Eponine Thenardier, Rob Houchen as Marius Pontmercy, Cameron Blakely as M. Thenardier, James Gant as Javert (2013)

This is another song I’ve got the blocking for. It’s pretty standard, although I always like when a Marius, like Houchen’s, gets involved in the Fray to defend Cosette. I love the dynamic between Fletcher’s Eponine and Houchen’s Marius, with affection and teasing and care, and their little smiles and head shakes, but also with a bit of discomfort on Marius’ end — he seems a little awkward about trying to get his books back with minimal contact, and he seems to be deflecting the “I like the way you grow your hair” thing as nicely as he can, but definitely deflecting. Blakely doesn’t make much of an impression as Thenardier (although his “told you so” is really funny), and Gant is not my favorite Javert, but Fletcher’s “It’s Javert” is ridiculously awesome.

18. Stars - Philip Quast as Javert (10th Anniversary)

Quast’s Javert is...yeah, what else is there to say?

19. Eponine’s Errand - Kaho Shimada as Eponine Thenardier, Michael Ball as Marius Pontmercy (International Symphonic)

I wish this recording weren’t missing Gavroche’s little part beforehand, but I think Shimada’s Eponine and Ball’s Marius are worth the trade-off. Shimada sounds a little softer and sadder here, not angry like in some versions, which I don’t mind. But when she sees Marius, she switches to determinedly playful which is all the more heartwrenching. And her “I don’t want your money, sir” hurts. Ball’s Marius’ voice is nice and lovestruck and also not softening his single-minded obliviousness. I like his gentle desperation at his “Eponine, do this for me.” I also like that the lyric here is “don’t let her father know” instead of “don’t let your father know.”

20. Red and Black - Eddie Redmayne as Marius Pontmercy, Aaron Tveit as Enjolras, George Bladgen as Grantaire (2012 movie)

Embarrassing as it is to admit, Eddie Redmayne is my favorite Marius. He’s emotional and, well, a noodle, but also very sweet and sings well and has a higher, lighter voice than most Marii I’ve seen. He’s young!  They’re all so young! And I like that Tveit’s Enjolras feels a lot less shouty here ; it's more accurate to Brick descriptions of his interactions with his friends, and reflects his kind of angelic vibe. And I definitely appreciate that Bladgen’s Grantaire’s mocking is a little softer here — he knows a thing or two about impossible love. I do love his little laugh when he says “it is better than an opera.” And that last “they will come when we call” makes me feel things.

21. Do You Hear the People Sing? - Michael Maguire as Enjolras (Original Broadway)

Sometimes you need an angelic Aaron Tveit, and sometimes you need a powerhouse Michael Maguire. Damn.

22. In My Life - Judy Kuhn as Cosette, David Bryant as Marius Pontmercy, Frances Ruffelle as Eponine Thenardier, Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean (Original Broadway)

Kuhn’s Cosette has such a sweet voice, and you can hear her quiet fierce excitement in the beginning. She manages to sing Cosette’s high notes with softness and gentleness really well for the most part, although I’m not that fond of the sound on her “does he know I’m alive? do I know if he’s real?” high notes. Wilkinson’s Valjean seems gentler than some of the others I’ve seen, even on the “no more words” bit, and a lot of his negative emotion seems to be directed inward. Bryant’s Marius is in love, and sounds perhaps a bit too confident and a bit too old for my taste. No, what really stands out here is Frances Ruffelle’s Eponine. God, I love Frances Ruffelle’s Eponine. Starting off strong with that agonized “every word that he says is a dagger in me,” she sounds so young, with an almost-whiny, heartwrenching edge that reminds me the most of her Brick characterization, but she gets so gentle on her last “waiting here.”

23. A Heart Full of Love - Katie Hall as Cosette, Gareth Gates as Marius Pontmercy, Rosalind James as Eponine Thenardier (2010)

This recording picks up with James’ Eponine’s “waiting here,” definitely an interesting comparison. She sounds awesome throughout this piece, with a lovely warm alto voice. And I love love LOVE Katie Hall’s Cosette, with all her strength and sweetness. God, you can hear her smiling. She shines the most when she sings her softest lines, like “no fear, no regret,” “I'm awake,” and the last “after all.” Gates’ Marius is incredibly charming, but still absolutely an awkward mess, and you can hear him dying inside when he says “oh God, for shame, I do not even know your name.” The balance between all three of their voices is perfect.

24. Plumet Attack - Frances Ruffelle as Eponine Thenardier, Bernard Leo Burmester as M. Thenardier (Original Broadway)

Burmester’s Thenardier is properly scary here. Once again Ruffelle’s Eponine steals the show, belting all of her lines perfectly. Her “told you I’d do it” is haunting and perfect and brave in that oh-so-Eponine way, with a hint of petulance.

25. One Day More - Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean, Terrence Mann as Javert, Judy Kuhn as Cosette, Davis Bryant as Marius Pontmercy, Frances Ruffelle as Eponine Thenardier, Bernard Leo Burmester as M. Thenardier, Jennifer Butt as Mme. Thenardier (Original Broadway)

Everyone starts out so soft, and they make this song build so perfectly and balance each other out impeccably. Ruffelle’s Eponine’s “one more day all on my own” bit rises above it all, and her voice sounds so clear and powerful and good. Also did you hear that loud and long “one day more!” out of Wilkinson’s Valjean? And Les Amis’ triumphant swelling chorus? Everyone here is superhuman, I swear.

26. Building the Barricade (Upon These Stones) - Michael Ball as Marius, Kaho Shimada as Eponine Thenardier, Anthony Warlow as Enjolras, Philip Quast as Javert (International Symphonic)

It’s mistitled as “At the Barricade” but I pinky promise it’s not. Ball’s Marius sounds genuinely concerned and touchingly pissed. Shimada’s Eponine is sweet and playful, and her “little you know, little you care” has very little bite, which I’m not sure I like. What I absolutely adore, though, is the bit where she delivers Marius’ letter to Morris’ Valjean. Shimada sounds suddenly shy, and Morris seems in full adopting mode. Something about this exchange just feels incredibly sweet to me. And then when Morris reads Marius’ letter, and his little pause in the “you love me as well” part is perfection.

27. On My Own - Frances Ruffelle as Eponine Thenardier (Original Broadway)

What can I say? Ruffelle’s Eponine absolutely kills it. She has a lovely husky voice that sounds sweet and sad and angry and powerful and broken all at once. I love the way she sings “in the rain, the pavement shines like silver” and “and I know it’s only in my mind, that I’m talking to myself and not to him” and “all my life I’ve only been pretending” and of course that “a world that’s full of happiness that I have never known.” The way she builds up from sweet fantasizing to absolute anguish...and then she breathes out those last “I love him”s and she sounds like the teenager Eponine is. God. I need a moment. Or several.

28. Javert at the Barricade - Terrence Mann as Javert, I can’t find the Gavroche which enrages me to no end (Original Broadway)

Mann’s Javert isn’t as dramatic as I’d like, but I’m here for Gavroche. I do miss the Les Amis dialogue that happens in newer versions of this song, but the older version of this song, which includes a lot more of “Little People” is better in my opinion because it makes Gavroche’s death scene all the sadder. I adore this particular Gavroche’s sassiness and spunk and his powerful voice.

29. A Little Fall of Rain - Frances Ruffelle as Eponine Thenardier, Michael Ball as Marius Pontmercy (Original London)

Ruffelle’s Eponine sounds so utterly vulnerable here, but with a hint of strange almost-happiness that reminds me of the Brick’s version of her death scene. Her voice feels lighter and sweeter here than anything else, and Ruffelle’s Eponine always has a different way of singing when Marius can hear her from how she sings when he can’t, and here we feel them merging together, especially at her “hold me now and let it be, shelter me, comfort me.” And I adore Ball’s Marius softness here, especially during the duet part. His “hush-a-bye, dear Eponine” is angelic. The whole song feels so intimate with them. This is always the point where I start crying.

30. Night of Anguish - Michael Ball as Marius Pontmercy, Anthony Warlow as Enjolras, Gary Morris as Jean Valjean (International Symphonic)

Somber all-around, and everyone’s voice is good. No performer sticks out that much, to be honest. I do get chills whenever the “Drink with Me” theme comes on in the background. And when Jean Valjean comes in, the rising terror of Les Amis becomes apparent, and all their voices are strong.

31. The Attack - David Burt as Enjolras (Original London)

Again, a plot song in between the big ones, so not too much to say here, but everyone sings well.

32. Drink With Me - Aaron Tveit as Enjolras, George Bladgen as Grantaire, Eddie Redmayne as Marius Pontmercy, Daniel Huttlestone as Gavroche Thenardier (2012 movie)

Just to warn you, the sound doesn’t kick in until a few seconds in. I absolutely love this version (once the generous poster re-added Grantaire’s solo, of course). I love Tveit’s Enjolras’ weariness and gentleness at the beginning, reminiscent of Brick Enjolras who loves his friends in his fierce and quiet way. You can hear the heartbreak in his “Marius, rest.” I love how Huttlestone’s Gavroche echoes Les Amis’ lines throughout the chorus — I’ve never seen that in any of the stage productions. And God, Bladgen’s Grantaire. He is so much more earnest here than others I’ve seen, and I appreciate that he gets quiet on “can it be, you fear to die?” as if he’s past defiant anger and is already grieving. He just has a clear, lovely voice. And although it sucks that the movie cut his solo out and it had to be edited in this way, I almost like how faraway it makes this part sound, as if Grantaire is still holed up in the Corinthe with his wine, looking down at his friends, half-awake and helpless. I appreciate that Redmayne’s Marius’ lyric was changed from “Would you weep, Cosette, should Marius fall?” to “Would you weep, Cosette, if I were to fall?” because it sounds a lot more like something someone would actually say. Also, this is another clip with video, and I’m really happy with how it looks, especially the way both Enjolras and Valjean are off to the distance and the way it pans to Valjean when Marius is singing about Cosette.

33. Bring Him Home - Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean (10th Anniversary)

Wilkinson’s Valjean starts out so quiet, with the perfect sweet spot of vibrato. Literally all of his high notes sound perfect and still expressive! I almost don’t know what to highlight, but just listen to how he decrescendos on that “I am old, and will be gone” and the power in that “if I die, let me die” and that absolutely ethereal last “bring him home” which he holds for so so long for a note that high for a tenor. This man has the range, darlings.

34. Dawn of Anguish - Anthony Warlow as Enjolras (International Symphonic)

Warlow’s Enjolras absolute grief and tenderness is absolutely heartwrenching. The way he delivers the line “we will not abandon those who cannot hear.” And that little “Drink with Me” reprise feels like getting stabbed. Whenever they end it with “if I die, I die with you” I stop breathing for too many seconds.

35. The Second Attack/Death of Gavroche - Daniel Huttlestone as Gavroche Thenardier, Aaron Tveit as Enjolras, Hadley Fraser as the Army Officer (2012 movie)

Huttlestone’s Gavroche is amazing. You can hear that he’s in pain but not even scared as he sings in a clear, powerful voice. Fraser also killed his “you have no chance, no chance at all” and I’m honestly surprised he didn’t get cast as one of Les Amis. And, of course, Tveit’s Enjolras’ “until the Earth is free!” could have singlehandedly killed King Louis-Philippe.

36. Dog Eats Dog - Bernard Leo Burmester as M. Thenardier (Original Broadway)

Barry James’ Thenardier might be the funniest, but Burmester’s will always be the scariest. His growly tones and big dynamic changes and dramatic enunciation really make this. The breathy way he says “when the gutters run with blood” and his powerful final “the harvest moon shines down” is beyond chilling.

37. Javert’s Suicide - Philip Quast as Javert, Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean (10th Anniversary)

Wilkinson’s Valjean here is the angriest I’ve ever seen his portrayal of the character. There is so much pent-up bitterness in his “I knew you wouldn’t wait too long.” Quast’s Javert is wonderful, as always. In his duet part with Wilkinson, with his half-feral “I will be waiting, two-four-six-oh-one,” both of them shine. And then during his main soliloquy, when he goes from snarling, “it is either Valjean or Javert!” to sounding so soft and lost as he begins the “how can I now allow this man to hold dominion over me?” bit. And at his “by granting me my life today, this man has killed me even so,” you can hear him making his choice to jump, and it’s awful, and it’s perfect.

38. Turning - Original Broadway Cast

Oh, this song is so underrated, and these people do a particularly amazing job with it. Their voices sound so tired and worn, sometimes old and rough, sometimes young and light, and all of them heartbroken. Their “where’s that new world now the fighting’s done” and the way they sing the round section is haunting and beautiful.

39. Empty Chairs at Empty Tables - Eddie Redmayne as Marius Pontmercy (2012 movie)

I have to say, no one does this one like Eddie Redmayne. His Marius’ grief is absolutely crushing. I like how this arrangement goes super light with the instrumentals at first, and how Redmayne’s Marius starts off very soft. His “at the table in the corner” section gives me goosebumps every time, and he nails every single high note. And by the time we reach “phantom faces at the window,” he seems to be letting it out, and his “oh my friends, my friends, don’t ask me what your sacrifice was for” has me sobbing.

40. Every Day/A Heart Full of Love Reprise - Katie Hall as Cosette, Gareth Gates as Marius Pontmercy, John Owen Jones as Jean Valjean (2010)

Ah, Les Mis, killing me with the parallels once again. This version seems to go by awfully fast, but Hall’s Cosette and Gates’ Marius are properly sweet, and JOJ’s Valjean is gentle and sad and heartbreaking. All of their voices balance each other well.

41. Valjean’s Confession - Gary Morris as Jean Valjean, Michael Ball as Marius Pontmercy (International Symphonic)

I really don’t like versions that shorten this; I feel like Jean Valjean needs to be wordy here. In the Brick, he’s almost hysterical. Morris’ Valjean is so gentle, and you can hear the pleading and pain in his voice, on phrases like “she’s had enough of tears” and “to save his sister’s son” and then his voice is so powerful and despairing on “who am I?” and then when it gets soft..yeah I’m not okay. Ball’s Marius’ “it must be so” is pretty, but he doesn’t stick out that much compared to Morris’ powerhouse performance. Also, God the score playing “who am I?” in the background was just cruel. I love it.

42. The Wedding Chorale/Beggars at the Feast - Barry James as M. Thenardier, Gay Soper as Mme. Thenardier, Michael Ball as Mariius Pontmercy (International Symphonic)

James and Soper are just the right Thenardiers for the job. They are clearly having an extremely good time, and I love their sniveling and their scheming and their flamboyance. Ball’s Marius acts very well here too. I love his scoff at “do you think I don’t know who you are?” and his anger on Eponine’s behalf.

43. Finale - Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean, Randy Graff as Fantine, Frances Ruffelle as Eponine, David Bryant as Marius Pontmercy, Judy Kuhn as Cosette (Original Broadway)

I have no words.

[ordinaryschmuck]

What I love about Spider-Man Homecoming

Why is this my favorite Spider-Man movie? Let me count the ways.

#1: It's a small scale story. I know people prefer Spider-Man to have epic adventures, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't like those types of stories too. But Spider-Man is well known to have his smaller stories from time to time, and it's nice to see. It also shows us the world of the MCU on a street level point of view through this small story, and reveals the more positive ways that the world reacts to having superheroes all over the place.

#2: The fact that Spider-Man is in the suit, mask, and all, throughout most of the movie. Most superhero movies have the actor out of their costume. Either because it's hard to maneuver in or because it's hard to emote with the mask on. And while the suit was still uncomfortable for Tom Holland, the movie avoids the inability to emote by having the eyes act expressive. What's the functional purpose of that in the universe of this movie? Don't know. But it still feels great to see a Spider-Man movie where the actor actually looks like Spider-Man throughout most of it.

#3: While the fight scenes are lacking, there are still some unique and exciting set pieces. Such as seeing Spider-Man chase a van in a suburban neighborhood or watching him try to save his friends in the Washington Monument. It's that last one that I loved the most, especially since you hear the panic in Peter's voice throughout the whole situation. It might not be as exciting as a fight with Thanos, but because it matters to Peter, it matters to me.

#4: There are little details in Spider-Man: Homecoming that I hadn't noticed until many rewatches. Such as:

Peter lost his backpack, so as he walks to school the next day, he ends up carrying his books.

While distracted during his talk with Ned, Peter is doing well at his situps than he usually does. It isn't until his gym teacher points out the improved work that Peter forces himself to seem like he's struggling.

Every time we see Peter's phone screen, it gets more and more cracked. Thus showing the damage both Peter and his phone go through.

How MJ is observant of Peter, setting up her more prominent role in Spider-Man: Far From Home.

Details such as this, and many more, help make the movie even more fun, as they show how much care was put into this film. And while we're on the subject of subtlety--

#5: This movie is all about how great power comes with great responsibility, without anybody having to say the words, "With great power comes great responsibility." There are several moments when Peter acts recklessly, and because of it, consequences happen, and he suffers from them. But he still learns from his mistakes and you see him grow into a more well-tuned superhero from each of his failings. Which I love. It’s neat seeing a hero who actively improves himself instead of just starting off as perfect

#6: It's funny. Like, really funny. I'll admit that there are better jokes in other MCU movies, such as Guardians of the Galaxy and Thor: Ragnarok, but that doesn't stop Spider-Man: Homecoming from being hilarious at times. Case in point: This movie has what might possibly be the funniest end-credit scene in the franchise.

#7: It's a movie in high school, and the teenagers talk like actual teenagers. I should know. I was seventeen when this movie came out. And half the time, I look at a character and say, "I know someone who acts exactly like that." And seeing how most thirty-year-olds try so hard to figure out how teens talk through using "hip lingo," it is refreshing seeing teenagers act like teenagers.

#8: Big spoilers here, but I love the reveal that Vulture is Liz's dad. From the get go, the reveal gives some fantastic dramatic irony. We, the audience, know precisely why Peter is nervous about interacting with the man who's been trying to kill him. But for Tomes and his family? They can just pass it off as Pete being nervous about going out with a girl like Liz. Things get better during that famous car scene, where Vulture slowly figures out Peter is Spider-Man through context clues, and Peter can't come up with a good alibi with Liz sitting next to him, ruining any lie Pete spits out. It's an incredibly written moment that comes from a wonderfully written villain.

#9: Speaking of, let's give a round of applause to Micheal Keaton as The Vulture. His motivations are easy to understand and identify with, due to most people going through what he's going through. Plus, it's really intriguing to see a supervillain who's a somewhat ordinary guy. A guy who flies around in a mechanical bird suit, sure, but let's go back to that big reveal. Adrien talks and acts like most normal dads do, and you would not have believed he was a criminal mastermind unless this was your introduction to him. It's a scary and semi-believable portrayal of how the most dangerous people are the ones hidden in plain sight, and it amazes me that we got this from a character who was once a b-list Spider-Man villain.

#10: By far, my most favorite thing about this movie is Spider-Man himself. Because Tom Holland's portrayal of the character is by far the best one. Or, at least, from how I see the hero. With Spider-Man, someone who has been redone and rebooted on several occasions, everybody has their own interpretations of how they judge on what makes the best version. And here's how this movie nails mine:

He's insanely smart. Sure, he doesn't build the suit and web-shooters he wears throughout most of the movie, but that doesn't discredit how this film shows his intelligence. Peter learned to be bilingual, he solved an equation just by glancing at it, and he hacked a state-of-the-art security system by using a calculator. Oh, and he also does build his own suit and web-shooters. You see him wear them in the final battle, symbolizing how he doesn't need a high-tech costume to stop crime. Get it? The Stark suit was just a metaphor...that also clearly went over a lot of heads.

Spider-Man is the right mix of a badass superhero and an awkward nerd. He can mess with criminals all day while saying witty one-liners, but going to a party hosted by his crush? That terrifies him. And the fact that terrifies him is how this movie nails Peter's personality.

Being Spider-Man sacrifices Peter's social life. Don't get me wrong, Spider-Man 2 does a better job at showing this struggle, but I still like the effort that Spider-Man: Homecoming has. There are several times where it would be so easy for Peter to just say, "screw it," and let someone else take care of the danger. But every time, he always runs headfirst into saving the day. Which is who this character is to me. A guy, sometimes a kid, who does everything in his power to save the day, no matter the cost.

He also never shuts up. Whether it's talking to himself or talking someone's ear off, this movie nails how much of a motor mouth Spider-Man is.

These are the reasons why I love this movie. Does it have its problems? Sure. The casting of Aunt May is way off, Liz Allen is more of a plot device than a character, and the CGI sticks out like a sore thumb throughout most of these scenes. Still, these issues are minor compared to how much this movie gets right, and is why, to me, it's easily a solid A for amazing.

[onisiondrama]

(Note: I’m not repeating stories he’s told before and just putting them in parenthesis. I have a lot more videos to go until I’m caught up so that would save me a lot of time. If he gives details I never heard from him before, I will type those.)

“Is Onision A Dad? (+ Story With Onision's Father)“ October 12, 2020 Speaks

James says in the past he’s said he’ll never talk about being a father because the internet is crazy. They called CPS on them 3 or 4 times and every time CPS found that they were really good parents. They are responsible, take care of their kids, show them compassion, don’t hit them, listen to them, hug them when they cry, and you try to give them a better childhood than you had.

(Allegations against his father)

Says his childhood was not awful, but it lacked a lot. He did not have a male role model to look up to that was consistent in his life. He believes most of his problems comes from his childhood.

When he thinks about raising another human being, he thinks it’s important to give them a structurally sound environment so they don’t have an excuse to wind up damaged by something not beyond his control.

Says he was watching Christopher Titus talk about children and he said every parent he talked to regretted having kids. James asks if they knew what they signed up for? He says of course they’ll cry and you’ll have to spend a lot of money feeding them. They’re a financial burden and they’re going to cost you you’re time. That’s your responsibility. His mind is blown that they’re acting like parenthood is a curse.

Says he had a nephew who broke his femur and he was like “how could you let that happen? That’s insane. You must have been so neglectful.” His cousin told him, “just wait.” He says it was kind of like his cousin cursed him. (His found his daughter after she fell out of a 2nd story window story.)

He says he feels like a failure in keeping his child safe. If he could go back, he would have not worked so late that night. He still works a lot to pay the bills. When he found her, he thought she was not going to survive, but once the doctor told him the details he knew she would be fine.

He says he refers to himself as “Dr. James” because of instances like (he refused exploratory surgery for his son story.) He says his common sense was more than the doctor’s 18 years of medical training. If you disagree with him, your conclusion results in a child pointlessly cut open. Says it’s horrifying some doctors do this, but it’s reality.

(Refused down syndrome test story.) He says even if their child had down syndrome, it was past the point of pregnancy termination and they would have not wanted to terminate because people with down syndrome deserve love and to be raised. He says he’s a very virtuous person with common decencies. He asked what the point of the test was if it was too late to terminate? She told them it’s for peace of mind. He says he lost it and went full rant on the two women who were trying to potentially kill their baby with a needle. Their kid doesn’t have down syndrome, but if he did they would still take photos of him playing in the park like all other parents do.

He says one of the leading causes of death in our country is medical error. He says that’s because it’s un-natural and you’re cutting people open. Scalps don’t grow on trees. It’s helpful if you have cancer, but if you don’t know what’s going on you should step back and take a breath.

(More of the rash / refuse surgery story. He keeps name-dropping the doctor and where he worked.) He concludes he’s a very protective father. He says his life is nothing compared to theirs. He exists to make their lives better. 

He says when they got to the new hospital their new doctor was Asian. He has a natural assumption that Asian doctors are more balanced and smart. Doctor says it was a rash. (He smacks his deck and stares at the camera.) He says people online gaslight him and question his intelligence, but when he makes decisions they benefit people. In this instance he saved his son from an unnecessary surgery. He was so glad he was there because Kai isn’t the type of person to throw down. Kai would have let them put in that needle and potentially kill his kid. Kai would have been walked all over by the doctor and let the explorative surgery happen. Says he fought for his kid and he won and his son is better for it. Says full disclosure, from that point on he looked at his kid as a drama queen. He was screaming so much over a rash they went to the ER and they almost did surgery on him. He didn’t say this to his son, but he was thinking it.

James says when he had his first kid, Kai was part of a mom group. People were talking about getting divorced. Kai told him 8 or 9 out of 10 people get a divorce after having a kid. He says having a kid isn’t that stressful. It strengthened their bond when they had one. People came and went who tried to ruin their marriage and they all failed at homewrecking. It’s difficult get him to leave his family when he loves his kids. If his life is inferior to his kids, why would his love life be superior. He says people approach them and try to get him to leave Kai or Kai to leave him and they haven’t been successful so far. They have a foundation built on loyalty to their kids. It’s programed into people, but some people don’t have it. Like his father, he had the opposite. According to an article he tried to sue James, but couldn’t because James never said his name. James says he remembers saying his name so if he wants to sue him down the line, that says who he is as a parent.

(His mom tried to sue to see his kids story.) He says his mom called Kai a “tranny” and said he was invalid because he came out in his 20′s and breastfeeds. He says Kai breastfed because the kids need milk, but he plans on getting top surgery once they don’t need it anymore. One of the kids still breastfeeds. His mom refused to date a guy because he slept with a man before. She said he was attractive and she really liked him, but she wouldn’t date him. He says she’s phobic on every level and she lies to his face.

He wants to be honest and accepting with his kids. He wouldn’t call their spouse what she called Kai. Kai was crying about it and his mom said “good. I’m glad he’s crying.” (he’s doing a texting gesture while he’s quoting her.) He asked his mom about Caitlyn Jenner. His mom wouldn’t say anything ill about Caitlyn Jenner, but still attacked Kai. He thought it was mean because he gave her a house for free. He tried to buy it back and she wouldn’t let him even though she previously said she would give it back for free. Says there’s a lot of bad blood with his parents. If his kid ever gave him a house he would be grateful. He says his mom could visit his kids, but he didn’t want her driving them around because she does drugs.

He says this all reflects on their parenting. His mother-in-law asked if she could drink wine while watching their son when he was a very young baby. He said no. He holds everyone to the same standards. He kicked people out of their life for lying and doing drugs. They went on Hansen and acted like he was a monster. No one gives him compassion for that, he was protecting his kids from drugs. The internet believed the drug addict, criminal, liars.

He doesn’t put anyone over his status as a parent. He says lots of families experience tragedies. He saw a 10 year old that was playing with other kids at a family event. The next family event he found out he was dead. He drowned in a pool or a river. He didn’t think the parents were incompetent, he thought it was a horrible tragedy. He immediately thought their pain must be so severe.

He has a cousin whose kid was on a feeding schedule and the kid was bawling for breastmilk. He thought that was insane. The baby is crying because they need to be fed. The most basic of common sense. The baby died of SIDS. He doesn’t know if it’s related, but as a parent you can’t think you screwed up and hate yourself forever. He says if a kid drowned while the mom was shooting up heroin, that’s clear incompetence. If he was voting or paying his taxes when something happened, you can’t say he’s a monster. You can say he was in the wrong place and that sucks, even if he was 10 feet away. It’s awful and you’re not an innocent party because it could have been prevented, there’s that guilt. There was something very specific you’re supposed to do and it seems your kid starved to death or was nutrient deficient. When they went to the funeral, she talked about how Jesus had a plan and taking care of the kid. He says he never heard her talk about religion in his life. It’s just a scapegoat to make people feel better and so they can live with themselves.

He doesn’t know how he knew his kid was outside when she fell. He still doesn’t know what that metal scraping sound that sounded like a toy car on the garage door. His daughter was a few feet away and couldn’t even reach the door. She barely made any noise. He was so lucky he had his headphones off at that specific time. When you survive a tragedy, you don’t feel woe is me. You say thank god we survived that. He’s not going to sit here and say it was part of some plan. He thinks god or angels are more of a clean up crew than a protector. He thinks god can only influence how to fix it or help. What kind of god lets the holocaust happen and give an 8 year old cancer? He thinks there are subtle miracles.

Says we are programed to love our own unconditionally. If your kid stabbed you in the chest, you ask what you did wrong for them to do that. You don’t blame your kids. There may have been a chemical imbalance, but you have to blame yourself. When he sees his kids he sees a smaller version of himself and it scares him. He sees the vulnerability and how many scary things can ruin his life or her life.

He thinks about how he was abandoned as a kid by his dad and his perversions. His dad didn’t try to apologize to the people he hurt or work it out with his mom. He said I’m fine the way I am and screw my family. He blamed everyone and didn’t take responsibility. When his uncle threatened his dad if he came near the family, his dad said he would do the same thing so he knows how bad he is. Instead of talking to his son, he went to a newspaper. Three victims were abused by him. He loves himself more than his kids.

He says they found out his father had a child out of wedlock. He’s the father to a Somoan woman who is much bigger than he is. He says it looks really silly and they don’t look alike. His father didn’t tell them about his other family. 3 of 4 of his kids don’t talk to his father anymore.

A lot of parents only think of themselves and their ego. He thinks it’s a suicide prevention mechanism. When you’re awful, the species programs you to justify your existence.

(Beat up his dad story) He says that, speeding on the highway, and running a red at 2 am are the only crimes he’s committed. He got pulled over for running the red on his way to Tinker Air Force Base and paid a fine.

He doesn’t understand why people think having kids is a burden. He doesn’t understand why people go against their programing. He doesn’t have a mom or dad who loves him unconditionally. He gave his mom a house and she still doesn’t have unconditional love for him.

He wants to lead by example and share his stories. He think he’s at the point of surpassing so many things and up t this point he already gave his kids a better life than he had. They were never hit like he was as a child. They don’t have a stepdad that makes them pray “I love you satan” to the TV, or does drugs around them, or tape a dead duck to a dog’s neck, or shoots that dog for attacking a child. They don’t have a mom that forces you to round up your geese to be sold for potential slaughter because doesn’t agree with you having them and she doesn’t want to take care of them.

He says he might be hated by his young one day because the standard now is probably low. The mistakes he makes, they might grow to say they’ll be better than their father. Then their kids, etc.

If you regret having your kids, you need therapy. You’re going to set them on a path for only caring about themselves. You have to teach your kids to be kind to animals, kind to each other, respectful of people they love. He knows people who had healthy, functional parents and they turned out to be the coolest people. He is painfully damaged as a human being because of what he went through as a child.

You signed up for having kids, so act like it. They’re not a burden or curse. They’re a gift. When you have kids, you’re going to feel love and happiness like you never felt in your whole life. Your view of the world changes and you realize what you did in your life up to that point was meaningless.

He says he’s going to try to only upload new videos once his other videos hit a certain amount of views so he can focus on other things. He doesn’t want to invest in a sinking ship.

He says don’t buy people houses because they won’t appreciate it. You’ll just dump a quarter of a million dollars and they’ll just roll their eyes. He says he used to have a fantasy of buying everyone in his family a new house or pay off their mortgage when he made it big on Youtube. His mom destroyed that fantasy. He gives, but never stopped to think what have they given you? A lot of people who complained about him publicly were given tens of thousands of dollars of stuff by him.

He has a friend, McFly, who always shows up to his Twitch streams and gives him tons of bits. In return, he bought her a $50 gift certificate for a video game and a couple other games at other points. She also gave him a costume. That’s what real friends are.

He hopes you learned a lot from this video.

[jawbonejoe]

Hey man, earnest question, might sound a bit loaded. How DO you get to actually feel the screw the world I'm me self-confidence? I try to exercise self-love but mostly it feels forced and fake. Like... how do you reach that. You just keep trying?

So, Anon, since your question two things happened to me. The first happened to the rest of the planet: watching Trump lose the election and thus, the end of a four year nightmare draws nearer. 

The second thing happened to only a handful of people in that same world: a dear friend of mine lost his year long battle with leukemia. I found out via his wife’s posts on fb, and bc I was in the middle of cooking with my family on an otherwise celebratory day there wasn’t much I could do to reach out and console her. 

I already had the bones of your answer figured out by the time both things happened and now I know even more clearly what to tell you. 

You’re on the right path, self care and self love and confidence are absolutely practice and patience and more practice. It will feel fake at first bc you have to be bad at something before you are good at it. But we don’t have a cute saying for nothing ‘fake it till you make it is’ absolutely real. 

But I do think you’re looking at the thing in the wrong light. Self-love and confidence should not come from any ‘screw the world’ doctrine. I can see why you would call it that, especially when asking me because I do have a very ‘screw off’ attitude about things. The difference I want to make clear is that self love and confidence are not about the relationship of the self to the world, but the self to the self. You interact with the world every day as a jumble of information being broadcast through your body by a piece of meat with a little electricity inside it. That information is interpreted into sensation, emotion, memory, thought, and of course it is acted upon by the outside world and then reinterpreted to meet the meat’s needs. Being such a crazy living jumble is insane enough but then you have to go out and deal with other people who are also insane living jumbles of things. 

That’s where confidence comes in, because the world will interpret you as it wants and one of the few ways to inform its decision is to act like you can handle whatever it’s going to do to you. This is a skill that can be taught, and for those who have to self teach it there’s no better way to learn it than by following an example.

Why I need you to know it’s not a you v. world relationship is because we’re all constantly becoming and reinforcing who and what we are. And within that, true confidence comes from being someone you like being and trusting you can keep being that. The work there comes with reflection and practice and I can’t tell you how helpful it is to have people who will push you to be the best version of yourself. 

‘Screw the world’ offers too little to the importance of sharing life with other people. Humans are pack animals, we’re pattern finding machines, and those things together mean that we’re more highly adapted to develop profound bonds with each other than any other animal. 

I learned 80% of my own self love routine from my good friend who had spent much of their early life being denied any agency in who they were and thus developed the most powerful armor of self love I’ve ever seen. For them it came from necessity, their love was the thing they needed to stay alive and flourish. From them I learned that being bold and sure of that self love is one of the best ways to reinforce it and broadcast a similar feeling of the power of pride to others. 

Making the choice to love the self every day is key. So are things like self care, good health habits, finding time for art and hobbies, tricks like evaluating how you use language especially when talking to or about yourself. I make a point to never tell self deprecating jokes or even allude to such things because not only are they not funny but they tell my jumble of neurons the exact opposite of what we’ve worked so hard to know. As a woman I still struggle with using filler language in how I express myself, things like pre-facing my statements with ‘I think’ or ‘Maybe’ or ‘Well if you ask me.’ It seems like a small thing in the grand scheme but really understanding how you use language and how you can better use it to help you feel confident is a good first step and can always be improved as you learn and build your own routine. 

What I can’t understate is how important it is to care. Screw the world is just one way self love and confidence can manifest itself but really it’s bravado because the thing that really matters is wanting to be in the world as someone you like. That feeling of being a peace with who you are, with an eye towards who you want to be, will attract people who like who you are and help you reinforce this idea. I can’t tell you the number of times I felt down and then thought ‘well, I’m best friends with some of the greatest people I’ve ever met, and I know they have great taste so are they wrong for liking me? Hell no!’ Nevermind that having them in my life gives me people I admire that I can look to and say ‘hmm, what would X do in this situation?’ 

Self love is so personal it’s easy to think of it as some unteachable skill that you’re either born with or not. I tell you that couldn’t be more wrong. Don’t misunderstand, you can not make people love themselves when they don’t, and that is sad but at the end of the day there will be people in your life who enjoy making themselves miserable. You should care for other people but never give so much of yourself that you get nothing back. A good friend will give as much joy as they receive from you. 

There is so much to self love that I could go on and on but here’s what I learned from my late friend. As a trans man he made the decision, the painful and scary and hard decision, to be who he was every day of his life. He struggled with it, he fought to understand it, he surrounded himself with people who loved who he was always meant to be even before he could name it himself. He let himself feel the richness of life, he chose to be creative and funny and smart and kind. He was tough when he wanted to be and he showed every quality that a man should have because he chose to be the man he was every single day. 

That’s not to say he never questioned or struggled or even failed in who he was but he always got back up and kept fighting to be the best version of himself. In him I always saw an example of how to be the person you want to be, an example of what every person should be. He laughed the hardest at his own jokes, he loved deliriously, he never denied himself his emotions and their expression, and whenever he wanted something he went out and leapt for it. 

Self love is never you v. the world because that’s how you miss out on all the people who help you realize who you want to be. You live for the world, you are a part of the world knowing itself in every little moment you exist. Those who don’t care about the world will only grow their unhappiness because they’re denying the importance of the love that binds us all together. That love comes in big acts and small, I personally love the earthly pleasures of food and drink and art because they can be enjoyed with just a little practice and skill and can be shared as much as they can be enjoyed solo. 

Every time you choose who you are and who you want to be you perform another act of self love. It may feel like a lot of goofy clown work at first but consider that digging the foundation that stronger and stronger self love will build on. So, long answer to your short question, yes. Keep trying. Look to the world and see its beauty, let yourself feel and learn as much as you can and let other people love you. They will help you be the best you just as much as you help them. And before long the goofy clown work won’t be goofy any more it will just be the truth. You’ll start to look to yourself for the love you need when you need it, and that will enrich the love you continue to feel with others.