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recurring-polynya · 1 year

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I'm on vacation, so here is a random grab-bag of Soul Society thoughts I had while staring into the sea today (this is mostly for @bleachbleachbleach but you can read it too)

One of my favorite conceits of B3's writing (I feel like things that appear in fanfiction are sort promoted from headcanons but I don't have a good word for it) is the notion that Rukongai has its own magic that is fundamentally different and, in fact, somewhat opposed to shinigami magic. This first shows up in Afar, Afar, where Momo loses her ability to see spirits in Junrinan (and perhaps even her memory that such a thing exists). There was also a notion of it in REVERSE THE BONE (the best Weird Rukongai fic ever written) about the train, which already exists in a sort of quantum state where it sometimes exists both forward and backward in time, but also that the journey depends on the passengers. There's a quote at the beginning, but nonetheless, has completely rewired my brain (it has been over a month, and I am still thinking about it):

Hisagi does not find this mollifying. “Yeah, but I don’t even think Captain Kuchiki gets the same train as the rest of us. Have you ever tried to use his restaurant reviews? Because I always print these things, and they sound great, then I go. And then they’ll look at me like—Well. It’s like I’m not even at the same restaurant. But hey, at least you’ll get to see a lot, right? I’ve heard East Rukongai these days is… fine!”

Within the context of the story, this is just hyperbole. Of course Byakuya experiences things differently, he's incredibly rich and powerful, etc, etc, but the thing that sticks in my head about this is that Byakuya is fundamentally different from Hisagi, and also Hitsugaya and Hinamori, who are the protagonists of this piece, because he is a creature of Soul Society and they are not.

The Rukon is a place for ghosts. For beings that lived a life on Earth and died. It is an afterlife. A thing I find incredibly interesting is that nearly all the Rukon-hailing shinigami we know of died as children. Additionally, they are all Really Good at being shinigami--captains and vice-captains, although this is a function of Bleach being a story about the more powerful members of Soul Society. Anyway, I think this is not a coincidence.

Two things that are true about Bleach are that: a) liminal things, hybrid things, things that exist at the boundaries of two other things, tend to be more powerful b) power is also achieved through transformation

It makes 100% sense to me that a child ghost has more potential to become in Soul Society. We also know that aging is non-linear, and that age changes tend to come in concert with increases in power. All of this feels very consistent and right to me.

In particular, consider Rukia, who died as a baby (and we don't know this for sure, but her sister, who died as an older child or teen did not seem to have the same potential). She was human, but only got to live a small fraction of the life she could have, and instead, went to Soul Society, and became such a creature of Soul Society, that she not only achieved bankai, but trained in the Royal Realm, a thing that few other shinigami get to do.

This reminded me of a line from my own fanfic, Hold On, Hold On, where I was trying to make sense of the "lieutenant is equivalent of nobility" thing (through the convenient mouthpieces of Kira and Hinamori):

“High ranking shinigami are basically considered to be nobility,” Izuru explains. “Or close enough for most purposes.” “The argument goes,” Momo elaborates, in a way that she knows will resonate with Renji, “that the reason nobles are noble is because their souls are so pure and strong, right? So how else can you explain the captains that come from Rukongai? You can’t, so you have to act like they’re noble, too, right? Noble logic.”

And while I don't think I'm wrong, what if there's more to it? What if there is something that is fundamental to one's nature that nobles and powerful shinigami have in common, something that also corresponds to the nature of the Seireitei.

There's one other thing that I think they may have in common, and that's the ability to reproduce. Fanon is split on this topic, but I've always been of the mind that having babies in Soul Society is something only people with strong spiritual energy are able to do. So, in that sense, if noble people see themselves as defined by having been born in the Soul Society, of being creatures who have never lived, it's not exactly the same, but a Rukongai wandering soul who gains the ability to reproduce is certainly a step closer, no?

(Is this the part where I talk about Soul Society nobility and their parallels to faeries, with their low birthrate and stealing babies and people of talent to join their underground magical kingdom?)

An interesting ramification of all of this, is that you've got Rukia and Renji, who represent one of the most successful cases of dead souls acclimating to Soul Society and reaching the highest echelons of power, but I strongly suspect that there are still some fundamentally Rukon things about them-- things they see, things they feel, things they remember. What makes this extra cool to me is the fact that they hang out with Byakuya, the product of dozens of generations of Soul Society lineage. In fact, the catalyst for all of this thinking was me thinking about Byakuya having an instinctive distrust of the sea, whereas Rukia and Renji and Hisana all love it. Now, I am generally not very interested in Ichika, but I am interested in the fact that she is something different than her parents. That on some level she has more in common with Byakuya. I mean, is this the origin stories for Soul Society's noble clans in the first place? Some souls made themselves powerful enough to make more of themselves?? That is a pretty interesting thought to me, not that I've come up with anything interesting to do with it. It's like, what if you were a changeling, and you got adopted by the king of the faeries and you had a baby with another human changeling, but your baby was a faery? (Polynya, this was the plot of Books of Magic. Kinda sorta. You have somehow achieved your life goal of six degrees of John Constantine-ing Tim Hunter and Kuchiki Rukia and it was entirely by accident.)

Anyway, that was my complete quota of interesting Ichika thoughts for today (I still think it would have been cooler if they got to conceive a baby in the Royal Realm but no one asked me).

The more interesting direction that these thoughts took goes back to B3's fic, in the sense of: do the nobles avoid the Rukon? What is it that they don't like about it? The implication is always just basically that it's poor and not as nice as the Seireitei, but what if there are things that are in opposition to the law and order that people like Yamamoto have imposed on the controlled area inside the city walls. Even the Shiba, the infamous rebel outcasts only live in District 1.

Consider Ukitake's backstory--his noble family were so desperate to save their sick child that they went out to District 76 and made a deal with a god/a piece of the Soul King (is there a difference? does it matter?), a thing which gave Ukitake the capability to become a vessel for a god. I feel like Mimihagi wouldn't/couldn't have made that deal with an ordinary soul. This happened a super long time ago and I bet there have been all kinds of cautionary tales, etc, to discourage this kind of behavior today. (Which also ties a little into Yhwach's "the Gotei used to be better, you suck now" comment)

I'm not really converging on any sort of conclusion, here, it's just sort of interesting to me. The Rukongai sort of represents wild lawlessness, I think, the loss of rules and sense. The TYBW is all about how the order of Soul Society (and Hueco Mundo and the Living World) is a thing that was invented for and by the shinigami for their own benefit, and I think they don't even really have control of their entire realm, just the central bit.

There's a constant fanon outcry of "why do the shinigami neglect Rukongai?" and it's always because "Soul Society sucks" and "Central 46 is dicks" etc, but I think it's interesting to think about the shinigami as a social order that truly has limited power, and that there is a lot of shit in the Rukon that is more than is dreamt of in their philosophy, if you get my drift, whether it's werewolf clans or trains that don't obey the laws of time and space. It's like the way in a horror movie, the cop or the army dude gets taken down by the monster in the woods who is eventually defeated by a teen or something. Shinigami are very powerful when it comes to dealing with the interface between the World of the Living and their personal World of the Dead, but they are less well equipped to deal with the things in their own backyard.

Regretfully, none of this cohered in my head into anything that I could spin into a good story (I'm not sure they even cohered into this essay), but maybe it will roll around in my head long enough to grow a pearl, who knows?

#bleach worldbuilding #this is so long i am sorry this is mostly nonsense #the beach was very beautiful today!

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iwritenarrativesandstuff · 1 year

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when i tell you i am frothing at the mouth reading through your metas. oh my god. obsessed with everything you have to say. we seem to have a few of similar opinions and theories regarding dazai and i love it. he’s my absolute favorite character in the series and second favorite character out of fiction overall and i just LOVE what you have to say about him so much!! your theory on him being the book’s seal? BRILLIANT oh my god so interesting. i’ve never had any real reason for it nor specific idea of why they’re wealthy, but just today i was talking to a friend about how i’ve always kind of had a feeling that he grew up wealthy, and so when i saw the one of him being the son of mafia benefactors it caught my eye so fast. i just have this image in mind?? as him as a young child, right after the war ended — maybe he’s 11 or 12? — sitting silently in the back of a full classroom, maybe at a private school (his parents are neglectful, always having had preferred to send him away rather than raise him), observing all of his classmates with an apathetic expression on his face. he doesn’t fit in with them; he never has. always excluded, and most of the time, it’s of his own accord. he doesn’t feel like them, doesn’t understand why they are just so… different from him. he often is punished by his parents for it, the purposeful seclusion and all the things that come along with it, because despite the fact that they neglect their other duties as parents, they never forget to punish him. omg i’m getting so carried away describing this i’m rambling again LOL sorry!!!! -from, frog!

Hello Frog! :)

Sorry this took me so long to reply! I'm really glad you're enjoying my analyses, and that you shared your thoughts with me!

Dazai is a really fascinating character. For all that we follow him in the story closely and get to see what he was like and how he changed at different ages, he's very much still a mystery. It makes it really fun to theorize.

The "he had a wealthy family who were probably associated with the Mafia" comes from three places:

He's stated to not be an orphan in Fifteen, or connected to Mori in any way before their agreement. But he had to be someone, or some random 14 year old wouldn't make any sense as a key witness whose word would be believed by the Mafia.

He clearly knew the Old Boss and vice versa, but he's apparently never seen death up close before, nor was he a part of the Mafia. That doesn't make it seem like he's the Old Boss' son or grandson or anything. Maybe he was a nephew, for Hamlet reasons. (That actually might work, considering irl Dazai wrote his own spin on Hamlet... food for thought!)

Oba Yozo's backstory in No Longer Human, as an alienated young boy who couldn't seem to feel or understand the importance of the things his wealthy family placed importance on, and so disguised his true feelings and fear of being "found out" by clowning to make everybody laugh. (Overly simplified, but I don't want to get too into it in case you haven't read it. The author also came from a wealthy family, so I feel pretty confident about this take on his backstory!)

If you enjoy Dazai backstory theorizing, @daz4i has some good headcanons. You've already read mine, but I've since written the first chapter of a fic called Clear Eye on ao3, which does kind of go into my own interpretation of it. There's also lots of other theories out there that are worth a look!

And of course, maybe you have written something yourself in this span of time... (if you have, please let me know!)

#thanks for the ask!#🐸 anon #<-this is you now #bsd #bsd dazai #storyrambles

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azrielgreen · 1 year

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I try to focus on the comments I get, and I don’t want to be ungrateful. I do appreciate them more than anything. But i can’t help but rely on them *too much*, and compare them to those of other writers. Especially to yours. In any fandom I’ve ever been in, I’ve never seen anybody get the kind of feedback you get. Like people saying you change their lives, and everything. Enough that they get tattoos inspired by your work. I just don’t think I have that in me. That ability to inspire or affect readers long term—beyond just a quick read before they’re onto the next story. I don’t know if it comes down to style or energy, or if some people are just special. But I feel like if I can’t get people to feel that intensely, then maybe I should just stop writing. But I don’t want to quit. It’s like a vicious cycle, so discouraged that I don’t write, and if i don’t write, then how can i reach anybody at all?

Hello, lovely. So I've been thinking for a few days how to reply to this because I think honestly all writers feel like this at one point or another and visibility of the struggle is really important, especially when participating in fandom.

It can become very easy to get stuck on needing comments and feedback to continue and while fanfic is great for this kind of "as you go" support/encouragement it can also be really amazing to sidestep fanfic altogether for a while. Write something JUST for you. Write a book. Poetry. Anything where you're not getting feedback. Touch base with your creative self again. Fandom can be exhausting at times and we give so much of ourselves without even realising it, so if you're not feeling good about fanfic, that's an excellent sign to take a break. There have been months, years in between my participation in fandom/fic writing and I promise, taking a break is natural and healthy. Energy is cyclical and we need to replenish.

This brings me to my second point, which refers more directly to the kind things you said about me specifically. While I would not ever deny that I consider myself a capable writer and I have a lot of confidence and very passionate belief in myself, I've also been writing for a very long time, since I was twelve. I've been in fandom writing fic since i was 17. I've been writing professionally since i was 25, and I'm in my 30s now. I do tend to devote a stunning amount of time and mental energy to writing: in the past, at the expense of my health. I don't do that anymore, but it's an example of why you should never compare yourself to other writers because the situations are always so radically different. It's easy to look at statistics and think, "Why can't I do that/get that?" but the reality is that everyone is at different stages of their journey, and everyone is completely different.

I have no doubt that you're a talented writer because talented writers question themselves all the time. You have stories inside you that need to be written and told in the way that only you CAN! But they won't happen if you're worrying about comments/hit numbers, etc...

Generally, I've found that success is what happens when you're too busy to notice it. Focus on your work, on the next project, on yourself. Dig deep, branch out, love your process and expand, experiment, and remember to take a break when it's not fun anymore. Your mood is always guiding you. If you're happy, excited, and passionate, you're on track. If you're despondent, miserable, or anxious, it's time for a break. Fandom can be wonderful, but it's also the perfect breeding grounds for "comparison blues". Fanfic should make you happy.

I'm always here to offer guidance and support.

Az.

💜💜💜

#oonionchiver #steddie #steddie fic #fanfiction #my writing #askaz #onionchiver

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callivich · 9 months

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fic writer interview

I was tagged by a few lovely people, thank you! 💖

(I have two ao3 accounts - one for shameless and one for star wars but I’m just gonna answer for Gallavich because I don’t use the other account anymore and I’m not involved in that fandom anymore either.)

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

155,455

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Extraction // Time Slip // Date Night // History Lesson // Bed Shopping

This surprises me because I assumed Roleplaying would be in the top 5 but it just missed out by a few kudos.

4. Do you respond to comments?

Yes! I always try to. I really really appreciate comments and I always read them all. Sometimes I even go back and reread some of the ones that really meant a lot to me. 💖

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Maybe chapter 28 of ‘31 ways we never meet’ - Time Travel. It’s kinda open ended so there’s a suggestion things might not be ok. But generally, I’m not great with writing angst, although I love reading it.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Most of them! 😅

7. Do you write crossovers?

No. I’ve only ever been tempted to once and it was a Schitt’s Creek crossover where David and Patrick move to the West Side of Chicago and are neighbours to Ian and Mickey. Lots of miscommunication which leads to David and Patrick not realising that the grumpy, scary guy is actually gay and married to the friendly, hot redhead they keep meeting around the complex.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

No.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I wish I could but it’s just not good when I’ve tried in my drafts so I don’t.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes - Camping 💖

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

@arrowflier and I wrote a back-and-forth/round robin type story about Ian and Mickey house-hunting. That was lots of fun. (Annoyingly, tumblr search is so bad that I can’t find the posts on my blog😩)

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Gallavich. Never loved a ship this much or felt so inspired by one.

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Time Slip - I know I’m not gonna finish that (so if anyone wants to take it on, please do feel free!). I want to finish At Liberty as I got further with that and had more of a story in mind but I’m not sure I will.

15. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue. I feel most confident about my dialogue and I get a lot of positive feedback about it.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

Action/descriptions - I struggle to write what I can imagine in my mind.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I like when other people do it. I only speak English so I wouldn’t feel confident enough to do it or trust an online translator to come up with something accurate.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Star Wars

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

Ian and Mandy friendship - something post-canon where Mandy comes back to Chicago and finds herself struggling with a little bit of unrequited love towards Ian and a little bit of jealousy towards Mickey.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

It changes. At the moment, I think it’s probably Strange Tales From The Southside. Because they’re spooky and a little bit different from what I usually write.

——

This was fun! Tagging anyone who wants to play! And I mean anyone, if you’re a writer and you want to do this - consider this your invitation! 💖

#calli talks

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fanby-fckry · 7 months

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(As many or as few as you like 💜)

🍄, 🧭, ♻️,🤔,🛠️

An ask game for writers to procrastinate working on you WIP(s)

2. 🍄 Decriscribe your wip/one of your wips in the format of “___ + ___ =___”

Child + Demon Summoning Ritual = Found Family???

(The question marks are a very important part of the equation, trust me.)

It’s for the same fic mentioned in this ask.

4. 🧭 An alternative title to your/ one of your WIP(s)?

A Far Cry From Eden had several alternate titles I considered, including The Fall of Eve, and Far From Eden.

8. ♻️ A scrapped idea for your current WIP

I already mentioned how Exorcist!Vaggie knocked a chapter off of my Survey fic, so to avoid repeats I’m gonna pick another fic.

I decided to change the setting in an UH3 smut fic because there were too many different elements going on all at once.

That entire fic is actually going to be based on a scene I had to scrap from Bloodlust and Butterflies. It was in the 2020 precursor fic, Tempting Entertainment, but I chose not to include it in the rewrite because it didn’t seem thematically appropriate.

They were going to be in an elevator, for no real reason besides the fact that that’s where they were in the old fic.

The more I was writing though, the more I realized that I wasn’t doing anything with that setting, and it was just taking away from the things I actually wanted to focus on.

9. 🤔 What’s a story you’d love to write but haven’t even started yet?

I typically get at least a few sentences down when I have an idea in my head, so I might have to rack my brain a bit to find something I haven’t started.

Oh, you know what? I’ve got a whole lineup of Women of Eden fics planned that I haven’t started yet. I’ll tell you one of those.

I want to tell the story of Lilith, Eve, and Charlie.

Eve is not just a mother, but the first mother. Eve and Lilith will have known each other for eons by the time Lilith considers becoming a mother, herself, and I imagine that Eve would be Lilith’s go-to confidant on all things motherhood.

I think Eve would become somewhat of an Aunt-figure to Charlie, and I’d love to explore the dynamic between all three of them.

There’s also a somewhat somber note in that, as far as Eve knows, she will never see her children again. She views all of the Sinners as her children in a way, because they’re all her descendants. She loves them, and she has mourned every year since the exterminations began.

But, they aren’t the children she raised, they aren’t the children she remembers.

There’s going to be some sadness there – some jealousy, even – when Eve sees Lilith and Charlie. I want to write it.

11. 🛠 Is there a scene or anything in the WIP you are struggling with right now?

About 3/4 of the way through my answer for this, I realized it had turned into a vent, so I’m gonna put it below the cut in case people don’t wanna read it.

No one, including @10moonymhrivertam is obligated to read this.

Thanks so much for the ask, Moony. Don’t let the vent fool you, I did genuinely enjoy answering these. I had a lot of fun answering the other 4 prompts, and I think I needed an opportunity to vent.

Hahaha, yeahhhh… I’m struggling with writing in general, lol. There’s some specifics about pacing and plots in a few fics and of course, not knowing Australian slang is a hurdle in writing dialogue for Cherri – specifically 1980’s Australian slang; like, how do I even find that?? – but my main problem is just…

I can’t seem to write. I’ve been burnt out and distracted since Husk’s chapter. I’ve had a busy week this week, and haven’t actually written anything at all.

Cherri’s chapter is currently all just dialogue that I wrote a while back, which is something I tend to do when I get an idea for a fic. I write some dialogue or some exposition that was rattling around in my brain and I fill in the rest later.

Well, it’s later. And I’m making fake tumblr dash posts, hyperspecific polls, and playing ask games.

#fanby answers #10moonymhrivertam #hazbin hotel #fanby: woe #fanby: uh3 #fanby: uhverse #fanby: survey says #fanby: you can’t solve all your problems by summoning a demon #ask game #and they were mutuals #uh: niffty #uh: eve #uh: lilith #uh: charlie #uh: cherri bomb

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resident-rats · 6 months

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20 Questions for Fic Authors

Thank you @silvercap for tagging me!!

1. How many works do you have?

18!!

2. What is your Ao3 word count?

176,463

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Basically just Resident Evil at the moment, the only other fandom I’ve written for is BBC Ghosts (quite a big contrast there lol)

4. What are your top 5 fics by Kudos?

• One Bed 284 (Serennedy)

• My Starling 273 (BBC Ghosts)

• What If? 240 (Serennedy)

• Hands-on Approach 231 (Chreon)

• A Much Needed Break 224 (Serennedy)

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes!! Sometimes there’s a bit of a wait, but I try to respond to them all

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don’t think any have an angsty ending?? I definitely planned to have a few, but chickened out lolll. I’d like to write some with an angsty ending though, it’s something I enjoy reading in general

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

All of them probably hdhdhdh, usually my fics all end in similar ways 🥴

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not had any yet (touch wood)

9. Do you write smut? If so, which kind?

Almost everything I’ve written contains smut loll. Usually it’s quite feelings oriented/first time sleeping together kinda smut? Though some of it is purely just horny self indulgence 🫡

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest crossover you’ve ever written?

Not written any crossovers!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I hope not lol

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

Uhhh, I don’t know if I have an all time favourite ship?? Usually I just latch onto a few ships in a fandom until I eventually bounce into different one. I mean Destiel will always have a place in my heart, purely bc it’s the first fandom related ship I properly got into??? And how feral I was over it in my early teens lol. But I’ve not read any spn fanfic or really interacted with the community in yearssss so 🤷🏻‍♂️ Right now though my favourite ship is probably Chreon or Metaltango??

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Uhhhh I have Serennedy fic I started writing in May last year that I kinda gave up on lol. It was my very first attempt at writing an RE fic when I first got consumed with the rot™️ The plot was just Luis turning up at Leon’s door in the middle of the night bc people were after him

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think I write emotions well?? I’ve also been told I describe stuff well!! Which is very kind. People have also said they like my characterisations!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I’m gonna try and not be too hard on myself lol. I think I reuse a lot of specific phrases and words? I also always tend to end fics in similar ways, which i’d quite like to break out of

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Personally I think it’s quite a commitment if you don’t know the language well, because Google translate can only get you so far. But if you wanna do it then do it 🫡

19. First fandom you wrote for?

BBC Ghosts!! Though I’ve not actually finished the fic

20. Favourite fic you’ve written

Hands-on Approach or Dinner Can Wait, I think?? Maybe Knives Are Faster?? I tend to rank my favourite fics based on how I was doing when I wrote them lol, because I guess they’re kinda associated with whatever I was feeling at the time??

Tagging: @courtofparrots @sleeplesstories @samblerambles and anyone else who wants to do it!!!! Please consider yourself tagged if you’d like to <33 (also no pressure to anyone tagged to do it)

#tag game

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nettlestingsoup · 2 years

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Hi morgan <33333 hope you're doing well :D

1,2,5,6,8,9,17,18,30,31,38,44,49 for the fanfic writer asks <333

hi evy! i'm doing ok! looking forward to getting some rest over christmas!

1 and 8: answered here for honey!

2: answered here for fien!

5: i’ve been writing stories in general since i was about six? my sister started writing stories, and obviously i had to copy her, and then i just... never stopped. i started writing fic in 2018 sometime when i met my stay friends at uni! it was a nice way to bond with them while we were still getting to know each other, and they’re now some of the few people i trust to show my writing to when it’s unfinished and imperfect.

6: writing has done a lot of good work for my mental health, i think! it encourages me to look inwards and consider why i’m writing the themes i am or just gives me an outlet for bad emotions rather than turning them inwards. it’s done wonders for my confidence over the years, too; i think it’s something that even i can’t deny that i’m fairly good at, and it’s good to have that when my brain tries to tell me that i’m mediocre at everything.

9: i’m terrible with writing to deadlines, so not really. i might set deadlines for editing, but my writing is often so unpredictably long that i couldn’t write to a deadline if i tried (the thing i tried to write in time for my friend’s birthday? it might be done by her next birthday. in october 2023. maybe.)

17: i love fantasy AUs as a whole really, but i’m always drawn to vampire AUs! the only reason i haven’t written one of my own is because i think there are far too many good ones, and i worry that i wouldn’t be able to come up with something unique enough to match up.

18: i really love writing seungchan? i think it’s partially that they’re my favourite members to write, and partially that they’re the members who can often come across as most serious (although they’ve both been silly in interviews lately) and so i feel like i can put them in slightly darker stories. seungbin and jeongchan are creeping up the list though.

30: the hardest part of writing happens once i’m about 80% of the way through a story; i’ve done most of the fun worldbuilding by that point, and most of the very emotional scenes have to give way to Actual Plot before i can write an emotional ending. it’s the point in a fic where i’m most likely to get bored and have to drag myself through the writing process.

31: big descriptive scenes! i love sitting and describing things, it’s a wonderful exercise in creativity and it allows me to set a scene really well. i love the experience of choosing which words to use to set the tone of a story; i’d describe the same forest using very different wording in a faerie fantasy au to a horror fantasy au for example, and it comes very naturally to me to just sit and set the scene before any pesky characters or dialogue get involved.

38: all the time! occasionally i get nostalgic for my own concepts, or reminded of them by friends or ao3 comments, and i’ll reread sections or whole fics then. it sounds a little arrogant, but sometimes my own fics are the only ones that scratch the itch for very specific content in my brain. it makes sense, i suppose. i wrote them exactly to my own taste, after all.

44: i tend to write linear these days! i’ll definitely plan future scenes (with the orchid, for example, i’d been waiting for weeks to get to the scene where minho admits he’d deactivate his own emotional processor if seungmin got hurt) but i tend to leave them hanging there as incentive to write the scenes leading up to them.

49: i guess the writing advice i’d give is to not be afraid of being a little bit weird? just genuinely write how you want to write, not in a way you think is good or that people will like. i find writing a lot more fun and fulfilling when i let myself use the bizarre metaphors and odd descriptors that i actually want to, rather than worrying that people won’t like or understand it.

thank you for asking these! they were a lot of fun; this ask game actually has a lot of really good ones. <3

#asks #evyfm #one day i might write a proper vampire au #it's just about finding something unique to write #i have a draft one but i needs a lot of editing in terms of worldbuilding #there was also a minchan concept i had but the base concept wasn't angsty enough #i need to make it more painful for everyone involved and then it might work #writing #ao3 author #fanfic

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ao3-oner · 3 months

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Which Longer Work Should I Embark on Next?

Hi everyone!

So now that I’ve wrapped up M.S.I. and its prequels (I do still need to write my chess theme analytical mini-essay - haven’t forgotten, just getting around to it), I’m staring down the better part of four months until I start my Worlds fic. As previously stated, in the next few weeks, I plan to drop a few one-shots, mostly G and T-rated (since I’ve written plenty of smut for rn lmao), but after that, I’ve been considering starting up another longer project for this summer. I have a couple of ideas for what that might be, since there are a few AUs I’ve been rolling around in my mind for a while now. The thing is, I’m not entirely sure which one I want to start first – ideally, I’ll get around to writing all of these eventually, but realistically who knows how long I’ll be in this fandom – so I thought I’d ask you all if you have opinions.

Naturally, at the end of the day, I’ll just write whatever I want regardless of what the result of this poll is, but for reasons of curiosity...

Brief Synopsis of Each AU Below:

BotB AU - the least developed of the three ideas, but that sort of makes it the most exciting

This story would be told in the form of a single multi-chapter fic – Idk exactly how long but prob at least 30,000 words, might also be partial chatfic – with varying perspectives, i.e. one chapter would be told by one character, the next would be told by someone different. Set in the 2010s Philadelphia house show scene among a group of indie bands: old T1 fans are fighting with new T1 fans about whether the band can even keep its name after subbing out everyone but lead singer Sanghyuk, but no one’s complaining about their new sound. ShowMaker and the KIAs keep getting banned from venues because of dozens of noise complaints from local Karens, and are now struggling to find new gigs. Most people are pretty upset about Generation G breaking apart after power couple Jaehyuk and Siwoo split up, but goddamn did it lead to the most iconic break-up tracks of 2012. And they’re all competing for one record label at the end of the summer that might finally get them out of this piece-of-shit city.

Fantasy AU - by far the most challenging/longest of the three, so I’d need to really commit if I don’t want to abandon this partway through

This story would be a quartet of fics, one for each of my primary ships (GK, OZ, CM and RL) with the main plot being told in the GuKe fic and the other three essentially being spin-offs, specifically prequels. This kingdom/deities/magic AU has a LOT of worldbuilding, but I’d be excited to see if I could pull something of this scale off. The central focus would be on the Archer Prince Minhyung, heir to Unkillable Demon King Sanghyuk, and his encounters with a mysterious monster of legend called Keria. In other tales, we have flashbacks to Prince Heo Su of the Kingdom of Damwon as he begins teaching himself dark magics (much to the dismay of his loyal knight and chief captain Kim Geonbu) in a tragedy culminating in the kingdom’s demise, plus King Jaehyuk receives a concubine from a rival kingdom who’s maybe just a little too knowledgeable about poisons. Also, armored knight Hyunjoon might be fucking the literal God of Thunder??? More news at sundown.

Omegaverse AU - Perhaps the most appealing one to start first because it’s more developed than BotB but less ambitious than Fantasy

Also it fits well with most of what I’ve previously written because the core of it is still set in a modern-day e-sports environment. Don’t be mistaken, though: not only is this an alternate universe, but it is full-on dystopia that thoroughly explores the sociopolitical implications of the omegaverse. Y’all do realize how dark and primal this trope is, right? I mean, is it hot? Obviously – that’s why I’m down to write it – but there’s so much more depth to it, too. This story would also be told in a quartet of fics, each one approximately 10,000 words in length (there is no “central narrative” for this one; just four different explorations) with the possibility of a fifth multi-chapter fic with shifting perspectives afterward and/or maybe a drabbles collection of miscellaneous short ideas I had for this AU that don’t cleanly fit into their own fics. The start of this series will likely just be a worldbuilding doc explaining my vision of everything, then diving right in with the first fic (GumaKeria).

#oner-of-the-rift #future-fics #rpf #lol rpf #gumakeria #one2eus #canmaker #rulehends

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myrinthinks · 2 years

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Ich habe 2.598 Mal im Jahr 2022 etwas gepostet

Das sind 988 more posts als 2021!

5 Einträge erstellt (0%)

2.593 Einträge gerebloggt (100%)

Blogs, die ich am häufigsten gerebloggt habe:

@erevas

@alexanderarcane

@bunjywunjy

@lambergeier

@elodieunderglass

Ich habe 2.598 meiner Einträge im Jahr 2022 getaggt

#loltag – 1.433 Einträge

#video – 460 Einträge

#fanimals – 228 Einträge

#art a tag – 177 Einträge

#zwizziron – 169 Einträge

#tumblr – 162 Einträge

#häschtäg relatable – 156 Einträge

#cats – 139 Einträge

#flailcoo – 131 Einträge

#gifs – 131 Einträge

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#fussel when we put a towel on her to dry her off and she tries to get away because she doesn't want to but it's more of a flop than anything

Meine Top-Einträge im Jahr 2022:

Ooooh, I missed the last Haisha-san, Atattemasu! update when it came out and only just now remembered to read it and MAN, finally we’re going places! Like, I’ve been enjoying the goofiness and dumb misunderstandings but I also felt like the plot was moving forward a bit too slowly recently. But with the last few updates, it’s definitely picked up the pace again and I’m seeing some sort of climax happening soon! (For real, this time. I’ve had this feeling a few times before when all they ended up doing was introducing another over-the-top-unlikely-yet-absolutely-hilarious-yet-derailing set of circumstances. But there was something very earnest in the last chapter’s “atmosphere”, especially the very end, which makes me think it’ll finally happen.)

0 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 12. September 2022

Hello! Not sure if anyone's answered this yet, but the first brown layer of paint is to "tone" the canvas. It's got a few uses: it removes the white of the canvas, making it less intimidating, but also making the colors look "truer." Too much white can wash out some of the colors or even change how dark/light we think a certain color is. The brown wash works like a midtone, keeping darks dark and lights light. It CAN also unify the colors sort of like an overlay layer in digital art.

(In reference to this post.) Hey there, thank you so much for explaining this! My sister and I were musing about this issue yesterday because while both of us are generally pretty competent when it comes to art, she has different media she focuses on (mostly watercolours and digital) and for me it's been twelve years since I last studied art extensively so neither of us had a clue.

2 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 31. Mai 2022

I can’t believe I just received this email you guys are all absolutely insane

3 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 21. November 2022

It’s always so strange to read a fic that is considered “a classic” in any given fandom only to find out that you really don’t like it at all. In my current case, this is due to a mixture of its two most important themes being things I actively dislike and avoid in stories of all kinds (obviously not the author’s fault in any way) and a good handful of very upsetting and triggering happenstances being insufficiently tagged, or even not tagged at all (very much the author’s fault). I’ve found that a lot of the time at least in the fandoms I read in, the reason for a fic’s being considered “a classic” mostly boils down to “it’s long (usually at least 100k) and well written” (and sometimes an additional “it was the first big work using this trope/relationship/narrative style/etc.”). But also, 90% of the time these fics are also just so sad. It goes along with the age-old feeling of “this is a tragic story which automatically elevates it”, I guess, but most of the time, they’re just downright sad and make me want to put on a cosy jumper and read something happy and fun. I don’t have a point here, I don’t think, and while there are plenty of “legendary” stories I enjoy very much and would absolutely put into the “classic” category myself, this is definitely a thing I’ve noticed and which I’ve been periodically pondering.

5 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 9. Mai 2022

Meine #1 des Jahres 2022

My participation in fandom usually only extends to admiring art, reading fics, and commenting on either, so I was very excited to receive my first ever zine today! It arrived here in Germany safe and sound in the midst of rain, snow, and the worst windstorm I’ve experienced in years, and in excellent condition. I especially like the little enamel pin! Thanks so much to the awesome folks over at @daisugazine for creating such a high quality, well thought-out booklet, as well as all the wonderfully talented creators who participated in whatever capacity!

6 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 17. Februar 2022

Hol dir deinen Tumblr-Jahresrückblick 2022 →

#year in review #how did i post almost A THOUSAND more posts than last year?#that's like a third #honestly didn't expect that #also way to go with the guilt tripping there about my not gifting anyone anything wELL OKAY THEN #tumblr #blogging #about my

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r-ate-9 · 2 years

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Regarding a fanfic I posted 11 years ago... a rant.

The fanfic in question, hyperlinked: Dead or Alive?

I just reread everything I have written and posted for the much-loved “Dead or Alive?” …I’m not really sure why it was so loved.

I like my idea. I like my plot. I think it’s possible that the Temujai’i would use poisons unknown to the Rangers.

John Flanagan’s Rangers tend to feel a little too overpowered, if you catch my drift. Regardless of their information-gathering skills, they’re not defined as spies (right?). Instead, Rangers are defenders of the kingdom, from internal affairs, mainly. They are the most senior member in a fife and report directly to their Commandant, who in turn directs directly to the King. One could even say they are internal spies… Big Brother, maybe?

I digress. My point being that it’s not unlikely for the Temujai’i to use a poison that renders their enemies entirely defenseless in the midst of battle, but not dead.

But then our Rangers aren’t aware of this type of warfare. When Will gets hit and shows no obvious signs of life, there’s only one solution… a funeral. With the bodies piling up (and the ground still solid from the recent winter), a typical Skandian funeral is reasonable. True warriors get sent to Valhalla via burning ships, food for their journeys, weapons they once carried, and a proper farewell.

In Araluen, we’re never told how bodies are disposed, but I’m assuming they’re buried (or placed in tombs for important people). In Halt, Horace & Cassandra’s minds, burning a body is only intended for one’s enemies and to do so to a former comrade (family) would be incredibly dishonorable.

Subsequently, they come to the agreement to send him off, without the fiery bit.

And so the story begins.

So much potential!

I don’t like how I executed it. :/

Granted, I started writing “Dead or Alive?” in 2011… so I was 14. In 2018 I rewrote the prologue, and got no further (the writing is noticeably different between the new prologue and ch. 1).

I’m about to turn 26, in 20 days, actually. I’d like to think my writing has since improved.

Honestly? I couldn’t tell you how I planned to finish this fic. Though I have thought about it quite a lot in passing, these last few years.

In either 2018 or 2019, I wrote a new chapter for the fanfic, well, rewrote one I’d written sometime earlier in a notebook.

Simply put, eleven years later, I can’t stand how I wrote this plotline. I hate Will’s new name “Panthera”. I hate that I made him into a Mary Sue, he’s OP, has a giant black panther as a companion… which is 100% lifted from R.A. Salvatore’s Legend of Drizzt series. So, there’s a blatant crossover. I hate how bad I was (still am) at naming characters…

I’ve tried editing, continuing it, altering it… but I get filled with so much cringe and then throw it back on the shelf and ignore it for another year.

But I keep coming back because I don’t like when I find a plotline, fic, author that I love, and then they don’t complete their works!

Because of this, I am marking “Dead or Alive?” as: COMPLETE. It’s over, it’s done.

I’m not content with the ending. Ideally, I’d rewrite the entire story. I won’t delete this one, regardless of my feelings.

I think, ultimately, it’s important to keep all of your writings for a few reasons:

1. 2011 was when I started writing, legitimately. Without DoA, I wouldn’t have 11 years of writing under my belt.

2. It’s important to know where I started at, to be able to compare myself to my past, to see my development.

3. I believe every author is allowed to decide whether they want to delete their content or not. But I also think it’s important to consider the reviewers, and according to DoA’s stats:

a. There are 81 followers

b. Since 2011 over 27,400 people have viewed it

c. It has 175 reviews, which amounts to 41% of my account’s total reviews

d. It’s my longest fic at 38,000+ words

e. 58 people have favorited it

f. These stats prove to me, that at some point, my reader-base has appreciated this fic, therefore it will stay available

Thank you to anyone and everyone who is still around. Thank you to any new readers who stop by in the future.

#ranger's apprentice #writing rants

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jungkxook · 3 years

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—midnight getaway. (m)

⟶ pairing: jung wooyoung x fem!reader

⟶ genre: sprinkle of youtuber!wooyoung + fluff / smut

⟶ words: 6,488

⟶ rating: 18+

⟶ summary: a “romantic” getaway surrounded by your friends leads to an interesting night alone with wooyoung

⟶ warnings: pwp, wooyoung says baby a lot bc he’s in love, some teasing woo, exhibitionism, doggy style, sort of praise kink, ass play (fingering, fem!recieving), breast play/fondling, finger sucking, riding, unprotected sex, creampie

⟶ note: this is the first fic i’ve written in a while and my first ateez fic no one come for me pls also this is dedicated to the lovely @kithtaehyung !! thank you for always encouraging me and my wooyoung antics!! 💛

p.s. this is shamelessly inspired by this wooyoung selfie!!

“Ugh. You obviously like her.”

The begrudging sigh comes from Yeosang, narrowly giving Wooyoung a heart attack when he realizes that you’re still within earshot. This wouldn’t have been so much of an issue had Yeosang not been so clearly talking about you to Wooyoung, though he barely has any time to recollect himself. Instead, sprawled out on the poolside of the villa the group had rented out for their week-long vacation in Jeju Island, Wooyoung firstly decides that he has no idea what Yeosang’s talking about.

“We’re just friends,” Wooyoung retorts.

“A friend you invite with you on a romantic getaway?” Yeosang asks with a wolfish grin.

Wooyoung shakes his head. He can still see you through the windows of the villa, now in the kitchen talking to Hongjoong. You’re all bright-eyed and glowing from the sun, in a swimsuit you had been putting to use just a few minutes ago when you took a dip in the pool. “Some romantic getaway, considering there’s seven idiots in the same house as us. Also thought this trip was meant to have no distractions.”

Which isn’t really a lie, because while their trip to Jeju was mostly for their YouTube channels, it was also meant to serve as a well-deserved break for the boys, and their leisure work of choice wasn’t exactly taxing and the majority of their trip so far has been spent simply enjoying themselves. Hongjoong had been so adamant too that there would be nothing to hinder them during their well deserved break. And of course you jumped at the offer to tag along when Wooyoung asked you, because you were his best friend but, moreover, his best supporter when it came to his passion and his videos.

“Yeah,” San hums nonchalantly from within the pool. He had been one of the few to jump in with you earlier, “but I don’t think friends flirt with each other on a daily basis.”

“Not to mention your video was all about her,” Jongho adds from beside Wooyoung. “I thought we were supposed to be promoting tourism in Jeju, not Y/N.”

That was a bit of an exaggeration. Sure, you had featured in a lot of the video Wooyoung had only just posted for his “Our Side of the Story” series he was doing (mostly daily vlogs, or aesthetic short films that you’ve always loved ━ much like the others, who have found a way to incorporate their love for music, dance, cooking, and everything in between in their vlogs), but you always made an appearance when you were so close with him. His viewers were used to it by this point, safe for the occasional questioning comments as to whether or not you two were dating. This video in particular saw you having the most fun in a while, frolicking the streets of the city, sprinting across the beach into the shallows of the ocean to try and splash Wooyoung with water; shaved ice shared between you and him and the way you snuck a bite of his when he was preoccupied, bike rides along the waterfront, and clambering along hiking trails so you could pose in a field of flowers that you had so desperately wanted to see.

Now, Wooyoung gives a roll of his eyes. “Funny. I don’t know what you guys are talking about.”

“Yeah, sure,” Yeosang sighs again. “When are you gonna tell her the truth?”

“The video already kind of did,” Jongho points out tauntingly. “If I was Y/N, I would have already realized.”

“Yeah━” San is beaming now as he clambers out of the pool, “but if you don’t want her, Woo, can I make a pass at her? Y’know, just to help take her off your hands━ Ow! What the hell?”

San jumps suddenly when Wooyoung chucks one of the pillows off of the lawn chair at his head.

“Keep your hands off her━” Wooyoung chastises. It’s meant mostly as a joke, but he worries when he recognizes a small part of him seems to care a little too much.

The others seem to find it funny at least, erupting into howling laughter that’s quick to fade when you wander back out to the pool and throw yourself next to Wooyoung.

“They’re definitely starting to catch on.”

Wooyoung lets out a weary sigh, though you’re starting to find it difficult to focus as he continues to kiss down your throat.

So, maybe if any of the boys walked in and saw the both of you in such a compromising position, they would be indescribably confused while also preparing to point an accusatory finger at Wooyoung for technically lying to them. But it isn’t really a lie, and certainly not one neither he nor you were keen on keeping for very long. It’s just that it seemed a whole lot easier to keep your newfound two month relationship with Wooyoung a secret for a small while.

It was mostly to give the both of you enough time to enjoy yourselves thoroughly without the prying eyes of your friends (who, while always supportive, are already passionately invested in your lifelong friendship with Wooyoung, pointing out his feelings for you even far before he could decipher them), their vlogging lifestyle, and their fans, while also waiting for the proper time to expose the truth. After the Jeju trip, you had both promised each other. But that plan was beginning to look more and more faulty as time passes.

What was supposed to be an innocent trip to Jeju with your friends turned into a tricky game in which Wooyoung had entirely different plans that consisted of you only. Specifically, how many times he can find you alone away from the boys to have his way with you. By now, night has since fallen and, after a short duration of time unwinding around a small bonfire in the backyard, the boys had all since retreated to their own rooms. You’re positive most are already long asleep and the ones that aren’t are beginning to nod off, exhausted after a long day and drowsy with liquor from the night of drinking. You’re fortunate Wooyoung at least first chose to find you alone in your room of the villa, but you still panic. Because Wooyoung should be sleeping in his shared room with Hongjoong down the hall from yours, yet here he was.

“My video today probably didn’t help,” Wooyoung adds.

You hum in response. “I don’t know if sneaking into my room will help with that either.”

At this, Wooyoung grins wide. “It’s fine. Hongjoong’s passed out cold. You should hear his snores. Plus━” He presses a kiss to your shoulder. “I couldn’t sleep without wondering how quickly you can cum.”

You nearly choke as you hear the words fall from Wooyoung’s mouth.

But it wasn’t his fault ━ he has needs too.

The first night of your trip called for a joyous celebration at a nearby restaurant that resulted in everyone being blissfully drunk by the time you returned to the villa. You had gotten so dressed up for the occasion that Wooyoung hated to see it go to waste, adorned in a pretty floral sundress ━ one that has always been his favourite (and, no, he promises that’s not solely because of how nice your boobs look in it, though that’s definitely a plus). If the boys could hear his thoughts now, they’d certainly pick him apart.

The house, however big and spacious it may be, is certainly not empty. Even just next door to your room is the shared room both Mingi and San are in. This is a fact you choose to remind your dear boyfriend of now. “The boys are sleeping.”

“Screw the guys,” Wooyoung groans into your neck. His strong arms slide around your middle from behind, pulling you into an all too familiar and warm embrace. He’s caught you just before you can shed your dress and slip into something more comfortable, all radiant and shimmering from a day out in the sun. You melt almost immediately against his chest as he nibbles on the skin just below your ear, on the corner of your jaw. He whispers ardently, “You look really pretty today. You always do, but especially today.”

A gentle smile spreads across your face. You instinctively reach out behind you to rest your hand on the nape of his neck, fingers tugging at the hair there. “I wore this dress just for you. I know it’s your favourite.”

“Yeah, because your tits look amazing in it,” he snickers. As if to emphasize this, he reaches down slyly to cup one of your breasts over the material of your dress, giving it a squeeze.

“Well, now you’re just trying to distract me into bed with you.”

“Is it working?” he asks hopefully, a smug grin on his face.

You snicker, fidgeting in his hold to face him and patting at his shoulder. “Maybe if we weren’t surrounded by a group of seven drunk men who could potentially hear and walk in on me sucking you off at any moment.”

But Wooyoung has already waited all day for the boys to leave you two alone. Waiting any longer may as well have felt like an eternity in a certain type of special hell that he wasn’t exactly keen on.

“And?” A sudden smirk stretches across his face. He leans in close to you, lips brushing faintly against your ear. “You didn’t have a problem letting me fuck you against the practice room mirror the other day.”

You swat lightly at his chest, scoffing suddenly. “Wooyoung!”

But he has a point. In all fairness, it had been his idea to take you against the practice room mirror when the boys had gone home and you were dropping off food to your poor boyfriend still working late at night. You certainly hadn’t complained then when he had you coming around his cock with the practice room door left unlocked. It’s such a Wooyoung thing to say too, being that he’s not often caught off guard, especially when he’s so blatant and confident about all things sex.

“Can’t you keep it in your pants for one night, Woo?”

“No, he’s in pain,” he pouts childishly. He bites playfully at the tip of your nose.

You sputter for air, dissolving into a fit of laughter. “You did not just call your dick a he━”

“Okay, I’m in pain,” he corrects. He starts kissing down and back up your neck. “It’s not my fault you look extra hot today. Besides, you looked like you were having so much fun today. Is it so wrong for me to want to keep pampering my beautiful girlfriend?”

“With your dick?”

“Yes, with my dick.”

You snort.

“And━” He drags out the word purposely, a playful twinkle in his eyes. “I don’t even want you to suck me off, by the way. All I want is to fuck you senseless right now.”

Oh.

His words send a nerve right down to your core. Your thighs instinctively press together at the thought.

All things considered, you’re not any better. There was no denying how devastatingly attractive your boyfriend always looked, but especially today. A well-deserved break and the Jeju sun did him well, with a beautiful tan starting to glow on his face, free of any make-up or cover-ups. The usual stress of city life and work doesn’t weigh heavy on his brows anymore, and though his hair has gotten longer, it’s a neat and pretty mess ━ a little unruly from the sun and chlorine, and from having taken it down from its half-ponytail, but pretty nonetheless ━ with the under half of it bleached blonde and the top half dyed black. Dressed in nothing but a casual old t-shirt and a pair of board shorts, he’s both wholesomely cute and yet sexy at the same time.

And, while you are surrounded by a group of rowdy boys, Wooyoung isn’t necessarily wrong. He always seems to have a knack for making anything romantic enough if he tries, attributed to his charming ways. A night of lovemaking (or whatever he has in mind) in your room with a beachside view is, all things considered, kind of romantic.

You purse your lips now. “Think they’re all asleep?”

“With how wasted they are? Absolutely,” Wooyoung says brightly. “I tripped over a shoe in our room and Hongjoong didn’t even move.”

It’s risky, sure, but the sudden yearning to be with Wooyoung was almost debilitating. There was no doubt you could both get away with having sex in a packed house, right? Either way, it doesn’t really seem to matter. You’ve already been persuaded, and Wooyoung knows.

He pulls you in for a kiss and you let him get carried away for a moment, reveling in the way he needily nips and sucks at your lower lip. Then, finding a second of clarity, you can be heard saying against his mouth breathlessly, “We’ll have to be quiet.”

“Mmm,” he hums distractedly. “So quiet.”

But that was like asking Wooyoung not to breathe. It’s this passing thought, and the way he pulls and tugs you over to sit on his lap as he sinks onto the edge of the bed in a desperate haste, that has you giggling. He leaves a trail of sloppy kisses down to the underside of your jaw and then along your throat.

You tug at the hair at the nape of his neck as you begin to rut your hips against his slowly. “You look really handsome today, baby. It’s nice seeing you so relaxed for once.”

His stare meets yours suddenly, all sparkling and awed. He grips your waist and presses you a little more firmly against his hips so you can feel his semi-hard dick against your inner thigh. “Ugh,” he sighs, “say that again and I’ll bust a nut right here and now.”

Another giggle meets his ears, but this time it’s a little less focused as it splinters off into a whimper the longer you continue to grind against him. You decide to humour him. “I saw your vlog. It was pretty.”

He audibly whines now, his heart threatening to burst through his chest. “Yeah? I worked hard on it.”

“Is that how you see me?” You think back to the video and how you looked, the soft music overlapping it all.

“Yeah,” he deadpans, “like that piece of washed up kelp you tried throwing at me today━”

“You’re so━”

“I’m joking. Of course that’s how I see you, but that’s only a fraction of what you look like to me. A camera doesn’t do you justice.”

“So you think I’m pretty?” You snicker.

“So pretty.” He kisses you again, this time a little more earnestly. He sighs dreamily against your lips, “No, actually. If my dick isn’t in you in the next minute, I’m gonna go insane.”

A delighted simper sounds from you. “Don’t even have to cum, just as long as you do━”

Your jaw drops open as you find an angle that has you pushing your clit against his clothed dick just right. But even though you had so innocently offered to only get him off, part of the fun was seeing how quickly and how many times he could make you cum before finishing himself off. You deserve it, after all.

“God, you’re such a good girl,” he moans. He takes a moment to appreciate you in your current state. You, straddling his lap, eager hips moving against his with your brows pinched in concentration, the pretty material of your dress hiking up around your thighs. He reaches down, palms rough as they grip at the soft flesh of your thighs. “Look at you, already so needy for me. It’s so fucking sexy.”

Wooyoung fidgets beneath you. He burrows his face in the crook of your neck, nipping at your throat.

“How do you want me first, princess?” he asks sweetly now, peppering kisses along your throat, tongue soothing the marks he’s left behind. “Want my fingers in you?”

“N-No━” You croak. “Just wanna feel your dick.”

Excitement prickles at the tips of his fingers as he massages circles against your hips. “In your mouth or in you?”

“In me,” You rasp. “Now. Please, Woo━”

He marvels for a moment at how he’s so stupidly in love with you and your pretty words despite them having such dirty implications, and he hastens to please you. A wolfish grin tugs at his lips as he smothers them against your mouth, but then the giddy sensation of finally getting to have his cock buried in your walls overcomes him. He murmurs into a wet kiss, “As much as I love this dress, let’s get it off of you.”

He hastens to help you shove the straps of your dress down your shoulders, then off your arms. Then, he watches as you stand up to shimmy your way out of it, the material pooling at your feet, exposing your figure and the fact that you’re not even wearing a bra. The swell of your breasts meets his eyes first, and you’ve barely just kicked your way out of your panties when he’s pulling you onto his lap again, warm mouth latching onto one of your breasts. His lips wrap around your nipple, teeth nibbling on the sensitive bud. He can’t seem to get enough, moving to bite and suck at the soft flesh all over, shifting from one to the other, then down the valley of your breasts. A moan falls from your lips, hands pulling harshly at his hair as you push him further into your chest.

“Wooyoung…” You whine. “We gotta be quick.”

Though he wants nothing more than to mark up your chest all over, he relents only when he remembers that the boys are nearby. “Okay, okay━ Here━”

He grabs at your waist, shifting you around until you’re on your back splayed out beneath him. Towering over you, he pushes the material of his shorts down, pulling his aching dick from the tight confinements. Your eyes fall to the way he fists himself hurriedly, tip all red and glistening with precum, and the one prominent vein bulging along his length. You bite at your lip, legs instinctively spreading wider for him.

“Are we really gonna do this?” he asks, excited. “With the guys here?”

“Think it’s too late to ask when we’re both already naked,” You giggle. You remind him again, this time a little weaker, “Just remember to be quiet.”

He hums in response. Then, he teases you by running the length of his hard dick against your slick folds, already dripping with slick arousal.

“God, baby,” he groans, “you’re so wet already.” He taps the tip of his cock against your pussy, the sudden jolt sending your head spinning. As he rubs himself on you, the sticky wetness glides along the prominent vein of his length and spreads messily out to the top of your inner thighs. “Did I do all this to you?”

“Woo, no teasing,” You chastize in a small whine. A shiver runs down your spine at the feeling, and you hate having to resist all his teasing touches. “What if someone tries coming in?”

He flashes you a shit-eating grin. “Let them. If it’s Seonghwa, even better. I can finally get payback for when he purposely ate some girl out on my bed.”

You snort lazily, stifling your giggles. “Focus, baby.”

“I am focused,” he says smugly. He emphasizes this by pressing his dick a little harder against your folds, teasing the tip of it against your entrance. “With you spread out like this for me, all sexy━ Fuck, I’m so focused.”

But what he doesn’t tell you is that the thought alone of one of the boys walking in on the both of you is enough to excite him to no end. He can imagine it now, one of them wandering into the room while you’re writhing beneath Wooyoung, taking his dick so well, moaning nothing but his name. He yearns to feel you all at once, hurrying to please you.

Without warning, he pushes himself into you, cock stretching you wide in just the way you both like. Almost immediately, low gasps and groans sound from the both of you.

“Ah, f-fuck! Woo━” You smother your sudden cries with a hand clamping over your mouth.

“Shit, I know,” he sputters for air. His voice is heavy in your ear, a low grunt only for you to hear. “You feel so fucking good, baby━”

His head is swimming even just at the way your walls wrap around his tip so snug. He pushes himself into you the rest of the way, bottoming out with a sudden forceful and indulgent thrust when━

The headboard slams against the wall, exceptionally loud.

“Fuck, Wooyoung━ Woo━” You grip at his arms. “The bed.”

His eyes meet yours, stunned momentarily as you wait and listen. A minute passes, but the house continues to remain silent.

“It’s okay. Even if they do hear, it’s not as if they probably won’t know what we’re doing,” Wooyoung points out, matter-of-fact. “We haven’t exactly been very careful lately.”

“Still,” You insist. Your walls throb around his hard dick, desperate for some sort of movement. “It’ll give me some peace of mind.”

His heart swoons at your timidness, and though he has fun teasing you, he would never actually want to risk getting caught by one of the boys (however many close calls he’s already had with you) or, worse, upsetting you to the point of no return.

In the next moment, Wooyoung pulls out of you, then pushes back in again, this time less forceful. He swears he tries to be wary of the bed and of making too much noise but, much to both of your dismay, while the frame doesn’t bang against the wall too noticeably, the bed still creaks beneath you.

Wooyoung grits his teeth. He tries again, then one more time, and though your head lolls back at the sensation of him stretching you wide, you meet his gaze with your own apprehensive hazy one. Even Wooyoung’s patience is wearing thin when all he wants to do is tear you apart ━ that, and the slight creak of the bed is enough to start driving him insane.

“Fuck this,” his pace stutters to a halt, “let’s get on the floor. Can you get on your hands and knees for me, baby?”

“Good idea.” Your heart jolts in your chest from the excitement.

Within a matter of seconds, he’s parting from you, leaving you momentarily stunned at the loss of warmth. He helps you to your feet so that the both of you can sink to the floor on your knees. Before you can drop into all fours, Wooyoung stops you by reaching out for the blanket on the bed and tucking it underneath the both of you, but mostly to soften the ground underneath your knees. When he catches you surveying him with a fond gleam in your eyes, he quirks a brow.

“What? It’s just so you don’t get too uncomfortable,” he says sweetly, peppering a few kisses along your shoulder. “Is this good?”

“Amazing.” Your heart swells at all his gentle touches. You catch his lips on yours, faintly murmuring, “I love you. Like, so much.”

You can feel his grin against your mouth. “You know I love you too. And as much as I would also love to hear you go on about how I’m the most perfect boyfriend, I need to be in you right now.”

A pretty giggle meets his ears, and he marvels for a second how you’re so quick to oblige. Propping yourself up on your elbows, your ass juts out in his direction. You give it a little tempting wiggle, and he hurries to position himself behind you. With one hand on the small of your back, he guides you back down his length.

“Ah━ Fuuuck━” He moans. “Arch your back a little more for me, baby.”

You do as you’re told, leaning forward just enough on your elbows and sticking your hips back to meet his as he sinks balls deep into your core. Then, he’s crumbling apart, all breathy panting as he tries to focus.

“Shit, baby━”

“Mmm━”

“You’re so tight. So wet. I’m not gonna last,” he pouts, as if it’s a genuine disappointment. He watches as he pulls out of your heat just enough before shoving himself back in, his dick covered in a glistening sheen of your arousal. You’re so damn wet, he wonders how he hasn’t slipped from you yet. His hands grip and tug at your ass, spreading you to see the way your cunt pulsates and stretches around his dick. So perfect, almost as if you were made for him. “Tell me. Wanna hear how good you feel right now.”

“S-So good,” You mumble drunkenly. “God, you’re so good, Woo. Fuck━!”

His gaze droops down to your breasts, bouncing with each thrust of his hips into yours. He reaches around and grabs at one of your boobs. The gentle shake of the soft flesh in his palms is always his favourite feeling, and he can’t help but squeeze at them now because, god, he really does love your tits. If he had all the time in the world, he would do anything to fuck himself between your boobs, and cum all over your chest ━ but that will have to wait for now.

“Ah━ Fuck━ Wish I could take my time with you right now,” he moans, planting sloppy kisses along your shoulder. “I can’t wait till we’re alone. Gonna take care of you so well, baby.”

“Y-Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he grunts. He reaches down with his other hand, thumb pressing against the tight hole of your ass. The sensation alone is enough to have you nearly keeling over, a strangled cry of pleasure ripping from you. “Want you coming on my tongue so bad. Gonna fuck you against every surface too. You deserve it. You’re always so good to me, princess.”

“Only for you,” You whimper. If he wasn’t so pressed for time, the affirmation alone would have been more than enough to make him melt in your very hands. But his dick is still so hard, and your pussy is still so wet, all he can focus on is not slipping from your walls with every thrust of his hips. “Ah, Wooyoung! Y-You’re so━ So hard━”

You bite harshly at your lip when a loud moan threatens to spill from you. You bury your face in the blanket around you, clutching so tightly at the material. A part of Wooyoung finds it amusing, if only because, if the boys are awake and don’t hear your lewd moans, there’s no doubt they won’t be able to hear the sound of skin against skin as his hips slap against your ass.

“Let me hear you, baby,” he coaxes now. “Moan out loud for me.” When you shake your head, he snickers. “Want it harder? Will that help you?”

He gives an experimental roll of his hips, a little rougher than usual. It sends you teetering forward, a broken groan tumbling from you that’s left muffled by the blanket. He can hear you mumble wantonly, “Don’t be a tease.”

A cheshire-like grin spreads across his face. “Here━ Come sit on my dick. Wanna feel you so deep━”

His words make you moan softly, followed by the way he pulls out of you just quickly enough to sit back against the bed. He tugs you onto his lap and you follow suit, spreading your legs further apart as you sink onto his leaking dick. Down, down, down, until it almost feels as if he’s hitting your cervix, and suddenly you’re not so sure you’ll be able to keep it together any longer. That, mixed with the way he’s gazing at you, all hooded eyed and alluring, you’re very close to dissolving into a mess right in his very arms.

“Ah━ Ah━ Fuck, baby━” You grip at his shoulders as you adjust to the new feeling, hips squirming above his. “Wooyoung, please━”

But your words fall short. The desperate plea that hinges in your voice fades into nothing more than the urgent need to feel more of him, to have him absolutely wreck you, as you begin to rock your hips back and forth on his dick.

“Please what, baby?” he taunts lazily. But he knows what he’s doing, slyly beckoning you to make a mess, and moan for him.

His palms are warm as they slide up your sides, then around your back, hugging you close to his chest. He thrusts his hips up just once into you, sending you into a haste that has you lifting yourself up and then back down his cock. As you adopt a steady and reckless pace that has you bouncing on his length, he watches your every reaction. The way your face contorts at the sheer pleasure, brows pinched so hard in concentration, teeth sinking into your lower lip. Your hands reach out to thread through his long locks, pretty blonde tresses running through the seams of your fingers. You tug lightly at the root, earning a low groan from him.

“Fuck, Y/N━” His head rolls back against the mattress at your quick pace. “You’re so fucking sexy━ So desperate for my dick━ Ah━”

He moans suddenly, only this time it’s less muffled than before. Whether he does it the first time to tease you or simply because he had gotten carried away, you aren’t quite sure. Either way, it’s enough to startle you, even amongst the daze you’re in.

“Wooyoung━” Your voice is a small warning, but it lacks any severity when it splinters into a whine. “Not so loud.”

“They’re━ Ah, fuck━ sleeping━”

You meet his mischievous stare with your own heedful one. Your pace slows, if only just, and you’re certain this time that when he moans even louder, it’s entirely on purpose.

“Woo!” You clamp a hand softly over his mouth, smothering the tail end of his crude groan.

The grin that forms on his face beneath your hand is evident of his amusement of his toying with you but it turns sluggish quickly. The sight to see is hot enough, with the drowsy lopsided smirk poking out from underneath your hand as he watches you continue to ride him, now a measured gyrating against his own hips. When he realizes you’ve chosen to keep your hand over his mouth, he reaches up to grab a hold of your wrist, his large fingers splaying out and then up over your knuckles.

“Come on, baby. It’s okay. Let it out,” he hums. He kisses at your fingertips, tongue swiveling around to suck on your digits delicately. “Not even one tiny moan? Let me hear that pretty voice of yours.”

He can feel your thighs begin to shake around him and, judging by the crescendoing of whimpers tumbling from your mouth, he senses you’re close. Your free hand still grips at his hair, this time a little tighter as you try to anchor yourself in place to rock your hips a little faster. Wooyoung hisses delightfully at the feeling, a small lethargic chuckle rumbling from deep within his chest.

Rough hands grab at your waist now, shifting you around abruptly until you’re splayed out on the floor on your back with him hovering over you. His length stays wedged snugly in your walls, never once slipping, and as he settles against your chest, he lifts one of your legs up and over his shoulder. An animalistic growl slips from him at your pinched face, and the way your cunt starts to squeeze around him. With this angle that his hips pound into yours, his cock hits so deep into your core, pummeling against your cervix again and again.

“H-Harder━ Wooyoung━” You pant. “Please━ I’m gonna━”

Finally, a moan sounds from you. Loud and unabashed, a little broken and exhausted, but beautiful to Wooyoung’s ears nonetheless. In fact, it’s so sexy of a noise that it’s enough to nearly push him over the edge but he relents, if only just for a little longer.

“Ah, there’s my favourite sound,” he smirks. His tongue lavs at the underside of your jaw, and your hand finds itself tangled in his hair once more. “Gonna be a good girl and let the boys hear you now?”

You try with all your might to silence yourself, but the task proves more and more difficult. A few more slams of his hips into yours, and you’re crumbling apart right before his eyes.

“Fuck━ Wooyoung━”

“That’s it, baby,” he grunts into your ear. “Cum for me.”

As you come, the sudden gush of wetness around your core coats his length and he almost accidentally slips from your cunt. You’re clenched so tightly around him, Wooyoung feels as if he has to gasp for air to stay focused. His eyes still stay trained on you, watching as your face contorts as you writhe beneath him. But it’s your shameless moaning that sets him off, albeit still softer than usual but much louder than he was expecting from you with the boys so close by.

“Ah━ You’re so fucking hot━” he whines. “Gonna cum━”

Every thrust of his hips sends you bobbing up and down, and as you come down from your high the pleasurable feeling of his hard cock still burrowed in your sensitive walls has you whimpering softly. Your legs try to separate further, beckoning him for more.

“Cum in me, Youngie,” you beckon dazedly. “Wanna feel it so bad━”

“Oh, fuck━” he gasps. “Can I?”

“Y-Yes.”

“You’re so good to me, baby. Aren’t you?”

His pace quickens, hips snapping into yours urgently. One final shuddering thrust and he’s overwhelmed by his orgasm, cock pulsating within your aching walls as his cum fills you up. He has to bury his face in the crook of your neck to muffle his moans, listening to the sharp gasp for air you take when you feel his release.

He rides out his high in a few more leisure rolls of his hips, though he seems more concerned now with kissing your throat slowly. He gently unravels your leg from his shoulder, then slumps against you like the comfortable heavy weight that he is. His dick lays softening still buried within your walls, now leaking with his cum.

“Have I ever told you how amazing you are?” You hear him sigh dreamily into your neck. “‘Cause you are.”

“Almost daily,” You concur with a giggle. Your own fingers smooth out his hair, fixing the messy strands, and he croons with delight. He leaves a trail of sweet kisses up along your throat, then your jaw, and then the corner of your mouth. Safe for the laboured breathing as you both try to calm your shrill hearts, you’re made aware so suddenly of just how quiet the room suddenly is. “There’s no way the guys slept through all of that.”

“I’m sure they did.” Wooyoung nibbles gingerly at your lip. “There’s nothing to worry about. Especially right now. I’m so tired. We can deal with the potential consequences later.”

You snort. “How did I know that’s exactly what you would say?”

You catch him smirking before he plants one last kiss on your lips. Somehow, he’s able to pry himself off of you long enough to slip into his shorts laying discarded on the floor before disappearing outside of the room into the darkened hallway. He returns moments later with a damp towel to help clean up the sticky mess between your legs, then tugs you back onto the bed with him.

“They’ll see you sneaking out of my room if you sleep here,” You point out through a yawn.

“I’ll get up before them,” he insists. “Just give me an hour with you, like this.”

You can’t resist the urge.

At the very least, you fall asleep first in his arms, his fingers playing with your hair. He must slip away from you at some point during the night, unraveling himself carefully from your sleeping figure to retreat to his own room. You’ll tell the boys eventually of your relationship with Wooyoung, you swear.

But for now, there, under the covers of the bed, you have all the time in the world to enjoy yourself with Wooyoung in pure, unadulterated silence.

In the morning when you wake up, you join your boyfriend with the rest of the boys downstairs in the kitchen for breakfast.

You’re the last to arrive, having wanted to take your time in the shower ━ a fact that Wooyoung laments, because he wanted nothing more than to shower with you to “save water” (which really just translates to more sex), but with only two bathrooms and nine people, the feat seemed impossible. Now, you sidle into the seat next to Wooyoung at the kitchen table, smiling down at him when his eyes flicker to you which seems to go unnoticed by the others.

“How was your night?” Yunho asks passively once you’ve settled into place. “Did you sleep well?”

You nod, as Wooyoung answers, “Best sleep of my life.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.” This amused offhanded scoff comes from San under his breath. It causes Mingi to almost choke on his sip of orange juice as he snorts into the glass.

“What was that?” Wooyoung asks.

“Oh, nothing,” San says. The smirk on his face says otherwise. “Thought we heard some loud noises last night. It was weird.”

Then there’s Mingi, leaning across the table to catch your attention alone. He shoots you a more merciful look, though he still seems entertained nevertheless when he whispers to you, “You have something on your neck.”

Your hand instinctively clamps onto your throat, over the spot Mingi points to as you mentally curse yourself. While you had been so preoccupied the night before trying not to make any noise, you forgot to warn Wooyoung against leaving any noticeable marks on your body ━ a bad habit of his, and your fatal mistake for forgetting to check the morning after.

The others are fortunately not paying attention, already absorbed in their own conversations, but the horror of so clearly being found out by San and Mingi sends you into a frenzy. It even seems to alarm Wooyoung judging by the way he starts laughing nervously, though maybe that’s because your knee bashes against his under the table and sends him jumping in his seat.

Clearly, you have a lot of explaining to do. Eventually.

The last thing you hear San say before he and Mingi howl with laughter seems to make even the charmingly confident Wooyoung slightly frazzled, and leaves you all the more confused.

“Some romantic getaway, huh?”

⟶ Feedback is always appreciated!

#wooyoung #wooyoung smut #wooyoung fluff #wooyoung x reader #wooyoung x you #wooyoung x y/n #ateez #ateez smut #ateez scenarios #wooyoung scenarios #wooyoung imagine #jung wooyoung #jung wooyoung smut #wooyoung oneshot #ateez oneshot #ateez x reader #jung wooyoung fluff #ateez fanfic #wooyoung imagines

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galadhremmin · 3 years

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We have derived Caranthir liking the Dwarves (and vice versa) because apparently, Finrod succeeds in every field Caranthir fails, and at this point it's clear this derives from the in-universe writer of the Silm and his own biases. Think about it: "Dark Finwë" , a grumpy, prejudiced lordling, and "Hair Champion", most handsome, noble king, have met with the same people!! Yet the king of the first secret kingdom is everyone's friend, but the prince that trades with them regularly is not... seems sus.

Hence, Caranthir is friends with the Dwarves. (But that is just an interpretation, so you're free to think what you wish, I just have several opinions on in-universe prejudice and the almighty narrative.)

I think that 'we' might actually have been Dawn Felagund years ago. Maybe this reading existed even before that, but I doubt that-- she's been very influential in silm fandom and was long before tumblr was much of a thing. https://dawnfelagund.com/caranthir-the-slandered

I wouldn't say it's 'clear' that what amounts to Caranthir's entire documented personality derives from the bias of the in-universe narrator, though as you can see from Dawn's writing it's a reading you can argue for. There are a number of different approaches you can take to the Silm and its biases anyway. One of the few times when it's absolutely clear the text isn't telling the entire story is when it talks about the Easterlings. I've posted about this before but the recorded names are, uhh.... the ones to betray the elves are unlikely to actually have been named things like 'ugly lord' and 'ugly beard.' 'Dark Finwe' on the other hand is a documented reference to his haircolour being dark like Finwe's own; hardly a negative judgement!

I personally think Caranthir can be exactly as ill-tempered and prejudiced as the Silm paints him without becoming an unsympathetic character. If a writer cannot make a moody, deeply prejudiced man an interesting character that is a failure as a writer; there are after all enough books who manage exactly that. That is not to say choosing not to write him that way is a failure (obviously not), but it's not necessary in order to make a reader feel for him at all.

Just going by the text, I think it actually might make for a more interesting narrative to explore in fic to me. Because he does change his mind about something, and at a very specific moment; when he meets the Haladin. That is much less dramatic if he secretly been as nice and popular as Finrod, and got along with everyone all the time already. He's been raised by Fëanor, who said things like 'No other race shall oust us!' and rallied the Noldor not motivated enough by vengeance for Finwë alone by playing on their deep-seated fear of being replaced by the Secondborn. Very unlikely that had no impact. At best it has made him uninterested in humans in his area (while they're not much of a threat to ruling instead of the elves anyway). The text says they paid them no heed.

And yet! Caranthir sees how brave Haleth and her people are. He 'does her great honour.' He changes his mind and offers them lands. His tragedy to me is not that of a slandered figure, but of this deeply, deeply prejudiced person raised to distrust the motivations of human beings -- who overcomes those beliefs, offers friendship, is rejected! then extends that same trust to the Easterlings anyway... and it's those specific Easterlings, not the ones who ally with his brothers-- who betray them all. And cause the disastrous ending of the Nirnaeth. It's the 'to evil end shall all things turn that they begin well' part of the curse hitting him in the least fair way possible. Someone finally changes for the better, and the outcome is treason and destruction.

That is a very good character arc to me, actually. His aesthetics-based scorn for the Dwarves is reprehensible but strikes me as deeply Elvish, and part of his prejudices. Naugrim is too unflattering a name for them for it not to be common. His temper-- well why can't he have one? Sure there's only one recorded instance -- but that's imo because there are hardly any conversations in the Silm! Anyway I like some people with tempers well enough. Personally I think people are missing out on opiniated grouches.

Obviously the biased anti-Feanorian Pengolodh reading is a nice one, and I have enjoyed a lot of stories written based it. But it's not at all a reading that is necessary for me to read Caranthir as a flawed but sympathetic character. He can have serious faults and still, ultimately, be someone I feel for.

What I was asking though was if I overlooked any canon evidence of Caranthir being particularly, personally fond of the Dwarves; and it seems I did not. Also; there is room for Caranthir growing to like the Dwarves over centuries without an anti-Feanorian bias reading this strong, there is simply no evidence for friendship in the rather barebones narrative (I'm not interested atm because it's wildly overdone to me & I like variety).

That said, in my opinion making Caranthir the hidden, slandered Feanorian Finrod equivalent with a dash of Curufin's Dwarf affection is not as enjoyable as simply working with what little canon character is actually there. Because there is one (and it's not the greedy tax collector of some fanon depictions either imo)

1. To start with, wrt Caranthir as the anti-Finrod, I don't think it works that well. Sure sure dark/light, open/prejudiced, repressed/shouty, but different motivations, different locations, plus they meet very different peoples even if both are Edain-- besides, Caranthir's own older brothers do successfully ally with the Easterlings without betrayal, while Curufin (much more so than Finrod! no Khuzdul for Finrod!) is the Dwarves' Friend(tm). Also, a flawed Finrod already exists. That's just the regular edition. He has his own faults and (very different) tragic arc.

If Finrod never seems to have strong prejudices to overcome, and if he's not confrontational (which... look he's a diplomat. Make of that what you will. Pretty awkward there in Doriath, buddy!) he does have trouble facing his own complicity (he wanted to sail those ships despite the murders) until Sauron beats him to death with it. He leaves Valinor with the idea of ruling but he has to give up the crown. He's ambitious, he seems emotionally repressed, he's.. possibly paying the greater Dwarves to drive the Petty Dwarves out of their ancestral home to build a city? Oops. Depending on the version you go with in that case, of course; there's also ones where he's free of the blame of that one. Not of wanting to sail those ships and being uneasy with the guilt wrt wanting to do so despite their being stolen and murdered for though. No he doesn't kill; but he wants to use the result of it anyway, and to make it worse he is actually half Telerin.

There's also (to be fair, only for sure after the disaster of the Sudden Flame because that's the recorded instance) his guards killing random innocent trespassers to keep his kingdom hidden -- yes, that's right there in Silm, yes he's still King at the time. Beren has to wave that ring. People just seem to miss that he'd be killed without it somehow.

I think it's just too easy to reduce him to the golden perfect opposite of Caranthir. Yes he's described more positively; he's also just mentioned more because unlike Caranthir he rules an actual kingdom, the greatest and richest in Beleriand in fact; and does things that have a lot of very longterm effects, like helping B&L steal a Silmaril. They don't 'meet the same people' anyway -- the Haladin have a different culture from the Beorians which contributes to their reaction to Caranthir (and iirc their later fate).

Sidenote: Dawn's essay attributes the Green Elves helping the Feanorians at Amon Ereb to Caranthir's diplomatic skills; but why not to those of Amras or Amrod? This is the quote; 'Caranthir fled and joined the remnant of his people to the scattered folk of the hunters, Amrod and Amras, and they retreated and passed Ramdal in the south. Upon Amon Ereb they maintained a watch and some strength of war, and they had aid of the Green-elves' -- nothing here indicates it was Caranthir who got them that aid. In fact A&A are the hunters, i.e. more likely to have roamed in various forests where they would have encountered Green Elves, imo.

There's also the very desperate times to consider in which this aid takes place. This is just post Sudden Flame, and even if the Green Elves didn't like Caranthir they probably liked him better than Morgoth. Also, speaking of cosmopolitans, Maedhros allies with, yes, Dwarves (Azaghal), Grey elves, Easterlings (and you might say: Fingolfinians); even part of the remaining people of Dorthonion rally to Himring post sudden flame (that means Edain and Arafinwean followers in Himring, at least for a time), and he manages to be friendly with Felagund despite calling him a badger. ;)

Finrod is not the only other leader to forge diverse alliances, and though B&L ends happily his people mostly do not. Caranthir's not much like Finrod in any way. Not in motivations, temperament, tragic arc. That's fine. No hidden kingdom for a dragon to eat either. Finrod could probably do with being a little less like Finrod sometimes, though he's well-intentioned and likable. Caranthir loves to shout and isn't sneaky. Good for him.

2. Curufin also already exists. His love for Dwarves is one of his defining and redeeming characteristics and boy does he need them. He's daddy's favourite, a sneaky overambitious bitchy bastard who is also a talented smith and linguist, and truly considered a Dwarf friend, which is apparently exceptional. He's quite flawed; tries to help Celegorm force a political marriage, laughs with a bruised mouth, seeming to lose his mind while attempting and failing murder after first losing his own stronghold and then the city he tried to take from his cousin. He's just... a personality. Mostly a bad one! You can feel for him though, because he seems like an utter mess. Many 'i would love to study you' feelings on my part. Would hate for him to be real but also I'd pay to be his therapist.

3. And then finally there's Canon Caranthir. A difficult, prejudiced person who despite that (which doesn't at all have to mean there is no despite, the despite is what makes it juicy)

- seems to be responsible for re-establishing (large scale?) trade with the Dwarves, whatever he might think of them (and they of him) to their mutual benefit. I don't think he's greedy either. It seems like a mutually profitable situation. Access to Dwarvish goods seems pretty vital to Beleriand, and facilitating trade is a real service.

As someone pointed out in the replies, the Silm does mention Dwarvish companies travelling east to Nan Elmoth and menegroth various times, but quote wrt Caranthir says 'Caranthir’s people came upon the Dwarves, who after the onslaught of Morgoth and the coming of the Noldor had ceased their traffic into Beleriand' and 'when the Dwarves began again to journey into Beleriand.'

They stopped at some point and Caranthir's people made it happen again.

- which means he's practical. He seems like he's good at organising, and setting his own feelings aside if necessary despite his prejudice and temper (which is an achievement it wouldn't be without his, hm, everything). Also he and his people as well as the Dwarves work together well because ''either people loved skill and were eager to learn,' despite their (initial?) mutual dislike. Those aren't bad characteristics; seems like it was an exchange of skill as well as goods and possibly providing safe travel opportunities.

I don't like the 'greedy Caranthir' fanon and don't think it is even that easy support entirely with canon. 'They had of it great profit,' the text says-- both Caranthir and the Dwarves. They exchanged skills and knowledge and Caranthir seems to have helped them start trading in Beleriand again. That's hardly Scrooge Mcduck.

- Another thing we can say about canonthir (lol) is that he apparently attaches a lot of value to aesthetics (was he a visual artist? is a he a sculptor like Nerdanel? WORSE: AN ART CRITIC?! Feanorian art critic is truly nightmare fuel) and that's why he dislikes Dwarves (of all things...). Either way points to 'aesthetics' as something apparently important to Caranthir. Which makes sense given who his parents are. What is interesting to me is that this apparently DOESN'T matter to Curufin, who is a lot like Feanor in most things. That's interesting!

I've never, never seen this but I think it would be very funny to attribute his aesthetic prejudices to Nerdanel. I love her; but why should her opinions be perfect? I know she wasn't considered beautiful herself, but she's an artist. She's got to have had some strong opinions on aesthetics anyway. I doubt it's the beards; Mahtan had one as well. And 'stunted'...at least some of this comes down to the Elvish obsession with height yet again. Hm.

- eventually Caranthir overcomes what have to be some very deeply held beliefs about human beings and their place in the world, and offers what for all intents and purposes looks like real friendship, not the ruling over Men Feanor seems to have had in mind at best. He's capable of real change!

Anyway his character works just fine to me from canon, and what he achieves and the ways in which he fails are more interesting that way rather-- neither slandered Feanorian Finrod 2.0 nor Curufin 'Dwarf Fan' Feanorion without the sneakiness and murder attempts pack the same punch as a stupidly prejudiced grouchy man doing his best anyway for centuries in this stupid ugly cursed land, eventually changing for the better, opening up-- and being brutally punished for it by the Doom.

Dammit. I hope there's therapy in the Everlasting Darkness.

hm a bit long but that's what I get for trying to gather my thoughts wrt why after considering it a bit transferring Curufin's love for Dwarves to Caranthir is a bit boring to me personally. Though there are still stories that still do it very well.

#no one asked including me but there you go anyway #that's what you get when i wake up at nearly 3 in the morning and thnk. FUCK i can't sleep #caranthir

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ncssian · 3 years

Text

A Favor: Part Seventeen

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: 70% of this fic is written on my phone lying on my side in bed while using swipe typing bc im too lazy to type out words and it shows

TW: discussion of SA

***

Nesta has an easier time adjusting to a third person in the cabin than she thought she would. Maybe it’s because Azriel indeed minds his business, and half the time Nesta isn’t aware he’s there at all.

Cassian seems to be more irritated by it than anyone else—not his brother, of course, but the fact that he and Nesta no longer exist in their own little bubble. Which is how he ends up at Nesta’s apartment with an overnight bag, sprawled out stomach-down on her mattress while she gets ready for bed.

“TV show or movie?” he asks, clicking through her laptop. Shows are Nesta’s thing and movies are Cassian’s; she feels generous enough tonight to say, “Movie.”

“Thank god,” he mutters, typing something on the laptop. “There’s a Turkish horror flick that I was saving for you.”

“Where do you even find these films?” Grabbing her hairbrush, she flops onto the bed beside him and starts brushing out her brassy locks. Before he can answer, Nesta’s phone buzzes from the stool she uses as a bedside table. Feyre’s name flashes on the screen.

Nesta frowns, but picks up without a second thought. “What is it?”

“Nothing serious,” her sister replies. “Just checking in.”

Before Cassian, Nesta didn’t very much understand the purpose of “checking in” without reason. Now she empathizes with Feyre a little. “I’m fine,” she says.

Deciding she can do better than that, she adds, “Cassian and I are about to start a movie.”

“Is it his choice? I’m so sorry for you.”

Nesta peeks over to where Cassian is still intently searching for his obscure movie and smiles a little. “I like Turkish horror,” she replies.

Cassian overhears and grins approvingly.

“Well, I’m looking at wedding dresses with Rhys so he can prepare for when he inevitably proposes,” Feyre says. “In case you wanted to know.”

Nesta did not particularly want to know, but she doesn’t say this. “Sounds fun. Is that it?”

“For what?”

“This conversation.”

Feyre sighs over the line. “Yes, I’ll let you go now. Thanks for picking up.”

The bar is in hell, Nesta thinks. Mostly because she put it there, but she still feels embarrassed to be congratulated over such small things. “Thanks for keeping it short.”

She’s about to hang up when she hears a male voice speak up in the background, and Feyre interrupts, “Wait—before you go, can you tell Cassian to call Rhys back? He wants Cass’s help picking a new team leader for the Italy project.”

Nesta has no idea what that is, but she says, “Sure, fine.” They say their goodbyes and hang up.

“What’d she want?” Cassian says without looking over at her.

“She said Rhys wants you to call him about the Italy project.”

Cassian turns toward her, half sitting up. “Really? What for?”

“Something about picking a team leader.” She returns to brushing her hair. “Why? What’s the Italy project?”

“Something I thought we put aside for good,” he grumbles. “It’s a year-long overseas project in Milan. Rhys thinks it’s gonna bring in a shit ton of money.”

“Sounds big. What do you have to do with it, though?” She’s never heard of Cassian being involved in Night Court’s international operations, even though he takes on more work than the usual employee.

Cassian shrugs, going back to movie searching. “He wanted me to be the one leading the team, and I guess he still feels petty about me turning him down. Honestly, choosing team leaders outside of my department isn’t even part of my jurisdiction.”

Nesta hesitates. “He offered you the job? When?” She didn’t know this.

“On New Year’s.”

“And you turned it down?”

“Yeah.” Cassian clicks on a link that looks like it’ll plant fifteen different viruses in Nesta’s laptop. “Found the movie,” he says.

“Why would you do that?” Nesta demands.

“The movie?”

“The job offer! Why would you turn down such a big opportunity without even telling me?”

Cassian laughs in confusion. “Are you angry right now?”

She’s astonished at his nonchalance. “Cassian,” she says. “It’s Italy.”

Italy with the art and history and seaside beauty—it’s on their top five places to see before they die.

“It’s Milan,” he says like there’s a difference, “and it’s an entire year away from you.” He shakes his head, sitting up to face her. “Are you out of your mind?”

She goes still. “Don’t tell me you said no because of me.”

“Of course I said no because of you.”

“It’s your dream job!” she bursts. “Traveling, exploring, being on your own—”

“Those are our dreams. I made those plans with you. The hell am I supposed to do all the way in Italy without you?”

“You sound codependent,” she retorts.

He narrows his brows. “Like you wouldn’t do the same thing in my position?”

He’s right, of course. Nesta would do the exact same thing for him. But Nesta and Cassian are not the same, and they both know it. “You can’t make that comparison,” she sighs.

“Why not?” he demands.

“Because—” She struggles to put it into words. “I would give up a long distance job for you because it would be worth it. You’re worth it. It doesn’t work the other way around.”

“Again: why the fuck not?”

So he’s really going to make her spell it out. “Because you’re a good boyfriend. You’re affectionate and caring, you always go the extra mile for those you love, and you come with all these free perks. It’s a great deal. And I’m not anything terrible, but I’m the bare minimum compared to you. Why would you give up Italy for the bare minimum?”

Cassian looks at her in disbelief. “I don’t even know how you can say so many wrong things in a row.”

“He’s blinded by love,” Nesta mutters to herself.

“First of all,” he holds up a finger, “I don’t know where you learned to compare yourself to me, but I don’t like it. You make it sound like I need to be paid back for every half-decent thing I do, and that is not the case at all.”

“Of course you think that,” she says. “You wouldn’t be a good person if you didn’t.”

“Then let me be a blunt person.” He puts a hand on her knee and looks her in the eye. “You will never be like me. Very few people are; you can’t take it personally.”

“Oh my god.” Her eyes might roll out of her head.

“But you’re not the bare minimum. Not even close.” He states it like an undeniable fact.

“How so?” she challenges.

“Like how Elain told me about this boy who broke her heart in her high school, and how the next day he walked into class in a leg cast. And how she just knew you had something to do with it, and you two had a huge fight about it that lasted a week.”

Nesta does not enjoy that memory being brought up. Elain called her a psychopath for the incident, and to save her feelings, Nesta (rather unconvincingly) said it had been an accident.

“I didn’t push anybody into a creek,” she maintains the lie. “Sometimes people just fall down there.”

“To be fair, you’re a lot more stable now than you were then. Now when people hurt those you care about, you find sneakier ways to hurt them back. Don’t you?”

“I do not,” Nesta defends.

“Really? Because Eris texted me earlier saying you’ve been ignoring him since New Year’s, and he’s starting to get worried that you have something heinous planned for him. I asked him why he would ever think such a thing of you.” Cassian leans forward and rests his chin on her shoulder. “Why would he think such a thing of you, Nesta?”

Cassian looks pretty well off from here, doesn’t he? She remembers Eris’s smug face. Did you know Rhysand’s parents found him sleeping in the streets?

“Because he said a bad thing,” Nesta says, looking down at her fingernails. “And I have an unfortunate reputation at school for getting back at people who say bad things.” Like the time Brian O’Connell made jokes about a rape trial the class was studying, and then couldn’t find an internship at a single firm the following summer.

“And what did he say? Because I can’t imagine he would directly insult you. He actually likes you, ass that he is.” His face is warm so close to her neck.

She looks away. “I won’t repeat it.”

That seems to be all Cassian needs to get an idea of what Eris said. “And how long are you planning on holding it against him?”

“Forever.”

“That’s what I thought.”

Nesta meets the eyes that haven’t left her face this entire time and snorts. “What’s your point?” Seriously, she’s starting to redden at how close he is.

He buries his face in her neck, his stubble rasping against the sensitive skin there. “The point is that you also do a lot for the people you love. Just in a different way.” He pulls away to look her in the eye. “Don’t do anything to Eris, though,” he says. “Not that I care for him or his shit opinions, but whatever you have planned isn’t worth it.”

Nesta wants to scoff in disbelief at the sincerity on Cassian’s face. He’s always choosing kindness, even at the worst moments. “So that’s your argument?” she says. “You won’t go to Italy because your girlfriend has a bad temper and a taste for revenge?”

“That’s my final argument, Your Honor.” He takes her hand. “Forget Milan, will you? One day I’ll take you to Portofino.”

The longer Nesta knows Cassian, the more she finds it useless to hide from him. Which is why she lets him watch the thoughts flit across her face as she considers his words, deciding whether she believes him. Deciding whether he’s right to give her so much devotion.

“Fine,” she finally says. “You’re right.”

A slow smile spreads across his face as he realizes he won. Wrapping his arms around Nesta’s waist and legs, he hauls her into his lap and shifts around until they’re both comfortable. The movie is forgotten for now.

“Out of curiosity…” He noses at the nape of her neck. “What did Eris say about me to make you so angry?”

When Nesta doesn’t answer, he says, “I’ve already heard everything that could possibly be said. The shit that used to get me when I was eighteen doesn’t have the same hold on me a decade later.”

She lets herself relax into his hold. “It was about the time you spent as an orphan.” Technically, he’s still an orphan, but it was different back then. “I didn’t like the tone of his voice.”

Cassian’s answering hum is a low rumble against her shirt. “Did you know my biological father was from Italy?”

Nesta perks up at that. “No.” She assumed he was entirely Algerian, even though he and Azriel probably look ethnically ambiguous to most. “Isn’t that all the more reason to see Italy someday?”

“Not at all,” he says. “If I could pretend that half of me didn’t exist, I would.”

She can’t think of a response that doesn’t involve a question, so she doesn’t reply. She waits for Cassian to speak on his own terms.

“I went to Italy once,” he admits. “For less than a day while my brothers were partying in Monte Carlo. I was young and stupid, and thought I would never be complete if I didn’t know who my father was.”

“Who was he?” She doesn’t know why she’s whispering.

“No one worth remembering,” Cassian says, his arms unconsciously tightening around her. “I put some dots together and realized how he and my mother must have met, how he must’ve—forced himself on her, and I decided that I didn’t care about bloodlines at all. I never returned to Italy after that.”

Nesta’s hands want to reach out and touch him, soothe him. But her muscles are suddenly very cold, and she can only stiffen. “And what about now? Do you… not want to go back?”

“It’s just a place to me,” he says. “Nothing special, nothing terrible. But I like the way it sounds when you talk about it.” His eyes sparkle. “I’d like to pretend it’s my first time going with you.”

“Alright, then.” She nods. “One day, we’ll go together. It’ll be our first time.”

***

Cassian refuses to let Nesta leave bed the next morning, dragging his heavy mouth across her body whenever she tries to get up. She’s about to surrender to him altogether when her phone starts vibrating loudly, insistently.

Breaking away from Cassian’s attempt at cuddling, she answers without checking the caller ID. “Yes?” she croaks sleepily.

“Where the hell have you been?” Emerie demands.

Nesta shoves Cassian away despite his protests, untangling her legs from the sheets. “At home,” she says, getting out of bed and heading for the bathroom. “Am I supposed to be somewhere else?”

“We haven’t seen you in two weeks,” Emerie says. “Gwyn thought your boyfriend’s weird family killed you.”

“That’s not what happened,” Nesta assures, pulling her shorts down and sitting on the toilet. “I just needed some alone time.” People are all around her these days, it seems. Her body still can’t quite adjust to it.

“Well, have you had enough—are you peeing?”

“Yeah.” She wipes and flushes the toilet.

“Well, clear your day and kick your sorry boyfriend out of your place. I can’t remember the last time I went out.”

“Why does everybody always want to go out?” Nesta says as she washes her hands. “What’s wrong with staying in, being safe, never leaving the house?” She dries her hands on a towel and returns to the bedroom, where Cassian is now sitting up and checking his emails.

“You’re preaching to the choir, but this actually wasn’t my idea,” Emerie says.

Nesta and Cassian alert at the sound of a knock from the front door. Nesta never has uninvited guests.

“Hold on a second, Em,” she says, jogging up the short set of steps to the door. She opens it to the sight of an exasperated-looking Gwyn.

“Jeez, next time send a text that you’re alive, will you?” Gwyn says, shoving past Nesta to enter the apartment. “Do you know how worried I’ve been—” She halts midsentence, one foot hovering above a step as she realizes that Nesta isn’t alone. As she sees Cassian in her bed, bare-chested and highly amused.

“Hey.” He raises a hand in greeting.

Gwyn pales.

“Hello?” Emerie calls over the line.

“You girls both share the same brain,” Nesta sighs. “Let me call you back, Emerie.”

Gwyn whirls around just as Nesta hangs up. “That won’t be necessary,” she says quickly, looking embarrassed. “I’ll be outside. I’m sorry.”

She hurries out of the apartment even faster than she came in, ducking her head to hide her face.

Nesta tosses her arms up in the air. “Great,” she says to Cassian. “Your abs scared her away.”

“But I didn’t do anything—”

She shuts the door behind her as she follows Gwyn outside, barefoot and all. She barely notices the freezing cold air or the awful press of damp grass beneath her feet as she catches up to Gwyn and grabs her elbow. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Gwyn jerks suddenly, yanking out of Nesta’s hold. Her breathing seems a little shallow, and she looks even more embarrassed for it. “It’s nothing. I just didn’t know you had someone over.”

“Cassian? He’s cool, you don’t need to be weird about him,” she tries to reassure Gwyn. “Though I did use to tell him that not everybody wants to see him shirtless all the time.”

“It’s not that,” Gwyn says, waving her off.

Nesta gestures to the apartment. “Do you want to come back inside, then? I’m sure he has clothes on by now.”

Gwyn clears her throat uncomfortably and looks down. “I’d rather not. I’m—I don’t like being around men.”

Nesta pauses, not sure if she heard right. “Like, in a ‘check the backseat of your car before getting in’ way, or…?”

“No, like I can’t be alone in a room with a man without feeling sick. It activates my fight or flight, it’s weird.” She’s carefully stiff, like she’s ready to be met with humiliation.

Nesta remembers that Gwyn has never told her about her therapy sessions before, but she knows they’re more intensive than her own weekly conversations with Lana.

“Not that I think your boyfriend is a bad person,” Gwyn adds when Nesta doesn’t respond. “He looks really nice. He sounds nice, too.”

But Nesta doesn’t care about any of that. Unsure of what to do next, she reaches out and awkwardly pats Gwyn on the arm. “Good thing you’ve never been to the cabin, then. Cassian’s brother is staying…” She trails off when she realizes none of this is relevant. “Why are you here so early?” she asks instead.

Gwyn eases up a little at the change in subject. “I missed you. We’ve barely talked since Christmas.”

Nesta didn’t realize people would take such notice to her absence. “Yeah.” She flushes. “I do that sometimes. I’ll send a message next time I go into hibernation, though.”

“You’re freezing,” Gwyn suddenly scolds, noticing how Nesta’s goosebumped arms are wrapped tightly around herself. She unzips her red hoodie and shrugs it off. “Go back inside and get dressed.” She flings the hoodie around Nesta’s shoulders before Nesta can protest. “Meet me at my car. We’re hanging out.”

Nesta knows that a last minute change of events is not the end of the world, even if it sometimes feels like it. For Gwyn and Emerie, she can bear the discomfort of unexpected plans, same as she does for Cassian. But she at least has to know: “How long will we be out?”

“You can come home after lunch.” At Nesta’s face, Gwyn adds, “Lunch will be at two and shouldn’t take more than an hour.”

Looking her friend up and down, someone who has such an easy time understanding her, Nesta nods in satisfaction. She turns around to go back inside.

***

They end up at the library where Gwyn works, in the stacks of the long-abandoned encyclopedia section.

Emerie takes a loud sip from the huge McDonald’s soda she snuck in. “So all this show was because Gwyn didn’t want to work her shift alone?”

“I just have some last minute cleanup to do,” she hisses for the third time, shoving an old book back where it belongs. “Go to the porn section if you’re so bored here.”

“Oh, I definitely will,” Emerie says. “But I’m glad that we’re congregating now, even if it’s in the most depressing part of the library. I have a present for you girls.” She hands Nesta her drink so she can dig around in her purse.

Nesta personally has no complaints. The library is quiet, it smells of paper and old ink, and it holds all her favorite books. It’s almost better than staying in.

Emerie successfully pulls out a handful of folded and wrinkled papers from her bag, smoothing them out as best she can. “One for each of us,” she says, passing the papers around.

Nesta takes her paper and stares at the header. Gwyn is the first to speak. “Pole dancing classes?”

“Why?” Nesta says.

“Well, I originally offered them to Justinian and Isaac but they said no—”

“It’s really not for me,” Gwyn interrupts, trying to pass the registration form back to Emerie. “Sorry.”

Nesta doesn’t give her form back.

“Look,” Emerie says. “I get the hesitation. We’re a handful of boring bitches who hate having fun. But don’t you think that has to change at some point?”

“I’ve known you guys a month,” Gwyn retorts. “We’ve only been boring bitches for a month. This is too much.” She turns to Nesta for help.

Nesta is still staring at the paper. Dancing—on a pole, yes, but it’s still dancing. “I’ll do it,” she says.

Gwyn looks betrayed and Emerie looks elated. “Really?” She hops up and down. “That’s two against one, Gwyn. You have to do it, too.”

Gwyn’s cheeks are turning red in frustration. “You can’t just force this on me—”

“Gwyneth,” a sharp voice interrupts their conversation. Nesta spins around to find a young woman with dark skin and bleached white curls heading in their direction, a stack of books in her arms.

She halts before Nesta and glares. “No food or drink in the library.” She looks pointedly at the 32-ounce in her hand.

“It’s not mine.” Nesta shoves the drink back to Emerie.

But the librarian has turned to Gwyn, who hides the dance class form behind her back. “And what are you doing here?” she demands.

“Just putting up a few books, Merrill,” Gwyn answers quickly.

“While socializing?” the woman named Merrill sneers.

“We were just asking for help finding the romance section. Is that a problem?” Emerie crosses her arms and steps forward, letting a little of her beautiful deadliness slip into her stance. It’s the deadliness of someone at the top of her law class, someone who will graduate in a few months with all the power she could want in the palm of her hand. Nesta gets a rush from playing the lawyer game, too, but she’s never had the kind of ambition that Emerie has. Emerie is a shark sitting around in a small pond.

Merrill is not impressed. She snatches the styrofoam cup dangling from Emerie’s hand and tosses it in the nearby trash can. She turns back to Gwyn. “Hand your badge over and clock out.”

“But I’m not done yet—”

“Now.”

“Okay,” she squeaks. She pulls her ID badge off her neck and hands it to Merrill.

Nesta gapes in disbelief. Before she can speak up, Merrill says, “No loitering in the library. If you don’t have anything you need to check out, leave.” With one final judgmental look, she turns down an aisle of dusty books and disappears.

Gwyn makes a face at her back.

“That woman is not old enough to be acting that misanthropic,” Emerie says after Merrill is gone.

“Whatever,” Gwyn mutters. The registration form is still in her hand. She crumples it into a ball and throws it into the trash. “Let’s get out of here.”

Nesta stares at the trash as Gwyn turns to leave. “Coward,” she says.

Gwyn’s head snaps toward Nesta, her auburn hair swinging. “Excuse me?”

She shrugs. “You heard me.” Emerie’s eyes bounce back and forth between the girls.

“I did,” Gwyn says. “I was just making sure this wasn’t coming from the woman who would sooner bite someone’s head off than do something she doesn’t want to.”

“Girls,” Emerie snaps before Nesta can bite back. “It’s just a stupid dance class. I thought it would be fun to do together, but it doesn’t matter anymore.” Taking Gwyn by one arm and Nesta by the other, she starts steering them out of the stacks like a stern mother. “Now let’s go eat. I’m fucking hungry.”

Gwyn’s mood from the library doesn’t recover, even as they sit down for lunch at the local diner. Nesta thinks Gwyn might actually be sick when the male waiter winks at her while taking her order, and it’s not until long after he’s gone that color returns to her face. When their food arrives, Gwyn only picks at her plate.

“What’s wrong?” Nesta finally has to ask bluntly. “You look pukey.” Did the coward comment affect Gwyn more than she let on, or was it Merrill’s attitude that threw her off?

At Nesta’s words, Gwyn becomes even more pallid. “I just don’t feel great today,” she murmurs, looking around like she’s seeking a way out of the diner. “Sorry guys, I didn’t mean to be such a buzzkill. Maybe I should go home early.”

“Absolutely not,” Emerie says. “If you’re going home, we’re going home with you.”

Gwyn bites her lip, trying to decide if she wants that or not. But something about her antsy demeanor is too familiar to Nesta, because she says, “If you really want to be alone, do you mind driving me home first? Emerie’s car is a mess.”

“You just need to move around a few papers,” Emerie protests.

But Gwyn nods distractedly, already gathering her things. “Sure, no problem.” They pay the bill and go their separate ways.

During the ride home, the sky that’s been gray all day finally breaks open, unleashing a spattering of rain over the town. Nesta watches it sprinkle while Gwyn drives in silence.

“Why are you scared of Merrill?” she eventually asks. “She doesn’t look much older than you.”

Gwyn snorts, but there isn’t much heart to it. “Merrill is my superior, but I can handle her on most days.”

“Just not today?”

Gwyn eyes Nesta warily from the corner of her eye. “No, not today. Or this week.”

Nesta chooses not to push. The dull metal of the cars surrounding them glints under the rain, and they arrive at a red light.

After a minute, she takes a breath and blurts, “I’m not always like that around guys, you know.”

Nesta watches her closely, remembering how ghostly she seemed around Cassian, then the waiter. “Keep going.”

Gwyn stares straight at the traffic ahead, her fingers turning bone white on the steering wheel. “I’m just going through a hard period. Everything upsets me and I don’t know how to think straight. It’s like my brain accidentally traveled to the past and now it’s stuck there.” She sounds shaky, breathless, and it makes Nesta wonder what exactly her mind is experiencing.

Nesta knows what it’s like to be unable to move on. Her own brain has only recently started looking toward the future. “Where are you stuck, specifically?” she asks hesitantly. Maybe she can help Gwyn navigate her way out.

Gwyn’s chin quivers. “In a dark room.” Her lips form a tight line. “Being held down. I’m outnumbered.”

Nesta’s stomach turns. “How far back is it?”

“Two years,” Gwyn whispers. “Lately I can’t even look at anything without—remembering it. Thinking about it. Every time I feel like I’m moving past it, I end up being wrong.”

The light turns green, and Nesta puts a hand on Gwyn’s knee in an attempt to ground her. “Drive,” she commands softly.

Gwyn presses down on the accelerator, but Nesta can feel her leg trembling beneath her hand. She squeezes her knee hard. Even with the dark parts of her own past, Nesta has never felt what Gwyn is feeling right now. So she tries to stick to what she knows.

“It’s like you said,” she says carefully. “You’re going through a period where your brain isn’t being friendly to you. It’s horrible, but you can live with the knowledge that it’ll be over eventually.”

Gwyn shakes her head, holding back tears. “It doesn’t work like that. Once it goes away, it’ll just come back again. And it’ll be like that for the rest of my life.”

“You’re right.” Nesta doesn’t have a solution for that, and she hates it. “You’ll never forget. You can be at the peak of your life and still remember all of it. But,” she says slowly, “whether you reach a point where it barely fazes you, or if you keep crippling under the weight of it decades later, you’ll still be normal. You’ll be a perfectly normal human.”

Gwyn lets out a tearful laugh at that. “What does that even mean?”

Shit. “It means…” Nesta tries to explain herself better. “In case you’re worried that there’s something very wrong with you, I’m here telling you that there’s not. There will never be anything wrong with you.”

Gwyn eyes her skeptically as they turn onto a residential road. “Even if I never get past one nightmare I lived years ago? Even if that nightmare defines me until the day I die?”

“That won’t happen.” Nesta’s tone is simple, factual. “But yes, even then.”

“Really? You’re not gonna tell me to live for the better days or whatever?”

“Does that sound like something that would help you? Because I can say it if it does.”

Gwyn snorts. “No.” But her limbs are steady and her eyes are clear on the road. She clears her throat. “Thank you for listening. I think I might feel a little better now.”

“Was it because of what I said?” Nesta tries not to be too hopeful.

“I wouldn’t give you that much credit,” Gwyn says, crushing her hope. “But I’m glad I told you. It makes things…a lot easier for me.” She exhales deeply.

“You know my plate is mostly empty these days.” Nesta pats her knee. “That means I’ll always have room to help carry your shit.”

They pull up to Nesta’s apartment, and Gwyn parks at the curb. “Give me your dance class thing,” she says suddenly.

Frowning, Nesta pulls the wrinkled paper out of her purse and hands it to Gwyn.

Gwyn smooths it out on the steering wheel and grabs a pen from a cupholder, clicking it. “If you’re going to help carry my shit, I guess I have time for pole dancing now.”

“But that’s mine,” Nesta protests as Gwyn starts filling out the form.

“It can be both of ours,” she says, writing Nesta’s name under hers.

“Really?” Nesta grins with an excitement that she doesn’t easily feel. “You’re going to do it with us?”

“Why would I let you do it without me? So I can become the third wheel in our girl group?” She gives Nesta a look that says No way in hell.

Nesta rolls her eyes. “That would never happen to you.”

“Sure,” Gwyn drawls. She finishes the form and folds it in half before pocketing it. “I’ll give this to Emerie as a gift.” She leans over to peck Nesta on the cheek. “Now get home. Love you.”

Nesta turns red at the words and coughs. “Thanks for the ride,” she responds, getting out of the car.

“Say it back!” Gwyn calls after her. But Nesta shuts the door in her face and waves, pretending she can’t hear her. Gwyn mock-scowls at her through the window, but lets her off easy and drives away.

That’s enough feelings for today, Nesta decides. Even if her chest is swelling with emotion for her friend. It’s a sweet hurt that lingers long after she returns to her empty apartment.

***

a/n: i’m back in my no plot, just vibes era

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#nessian #nesta archeron #cassian #ncssianwrites #a favor #nessian fic #nessian au

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