#which i had been suspecting was going to happen for the past few episodes

[just-your-average-tangerine]

The moonbase theta out finale was exactly what I expected. The 'I'm sadder than you' twins has their 'I'm sadder than you' fight. Roger said something stupid that ruined the emotion of the moment. And there was absolutely no conclusion to be seen. In the series finale.

[winstonsns]

may i request the gang w a reader who has bpd? like, frequent mood swings, etc etc? tysm 💕

the gang with bpd!reader (request)

authors note: bpd stands for borderline personality disorder, in which the person has long patterns of unstable emotions. could last for weeks or even months, basically episodes. i’m not that educated on this subject, so sorry if this is offensive. enjoy 💗

includes ponyboy, johnny, soda, darry, dally, two-bit and steve

word count: 2.1k

warnings: depression, fights, slightly suggestive

PONYBOY CURTIS

you haven’t been in the right headspace for the past few weeks, so your grades started to slip

ponyboy would try and help you do your homework, even doing your homework for you but you wouldn’t have the energy to even try

but then, you had a test and you tried real hard to get a good grade, studying and stressing all over it for days

after you took the test and got your grade back, seeing it was an A, you suddenly felt better

at the end of the day, you and pony decided to go back to your house to study

he noticed you were talking more and laughing, so he asked you what happened

you smiled and told him you got a good grade on your test, for the first time in a while

you switched the topic and continued smiling, and pony looked at you with love

he was glad that you were feeling better, and he suspected you’d stay happy for weeks

he sometimes gets confused when you randomly switch but doesn’t say much about it

he’ll ask you about it later but not in the moment, especially if other people are there too

he knows you like it when he reads to you, so when you’re feeling upset, he’ll read to you so maybe you’ll feel better

he doesn’t want you to get frustrated if you’re not included in things, so he’ll always invite you to his track meets and will tell you about all the drama that happens if you don’t know about it

when you’re in a depressive state, he’ll help you plan things and start a routine

he just wants you to feel in control so you know what to do and have a sense of purpose

he also asks soda and darry for advice since they know you’re going through stuff, so occasionally they’ll help you out too

JOHNNY CADE

his parents were yelling at him so he went to your house, he knew his parents wouldn’t care

the only thing he was worried about was the fact that you were still in a depressive state, and he didn’t want you to feel more sad because of what he was going through

so when he knocked on your door and you answered, your eyes lit up and you smiled widely

he was shocked and didn’t know why you were so happy, but smiled back at you

you told him you were happy to see him unannounced, but asked why he came by

he told about what happened, so you invited him in and made cupcakes together

he knows what it’s like to be in a depressive state, so he’ll always try and help you feel in touch with the world

he tried to help you focus on things more and really take in information while paying attention

like focusing on how things move or sound, how strong smells are and how loud things are, how specific tastes are sweet, salty, hot, etc

when you’re happy, he tries to keep you like that by randomly checking up on you to see how you’re doing

he’ll also offer to do things for you like carrying or cleaning things for you

he just wants to make things easier for you, but of course that doesn’t always works

johnny loves you and makes sure you know it, always telling you you’re amazing and beautiful, that he appreciates everything you do, etc

SODAPOP CURTIS

you were at soda’s house, waiting for him to come back from work

you weren’t feeling that great but were trying your best to make him think you were at least feeling ok

when you hear the door opening and a creak, you look over to see soda with a dairy queen bag and two drinks

seeing his smile and the fact that he thought about you enough to bring you food made you switch

you got up from the chair and walked over to him, he put down the food

you put your hands and cradled his face while giving him a long kiss, then tracing your hand down his chest

after the two of you pulled away from the kiss, he looked down at you with a smile and said “glad you’re feeling better, sweetheart”

he’s naturally a very bubbly person and is a romantic at heart, you cannot change my mind

he literally worships the ground you walk on and will do that no matter how you’re feeling

if you’re feeling extra bad and hardly have the energy to get out of bed, he’ll take some days off work to spend more time with you

he just wants you to feel good but doesn’t always know how to handle it

he knows what it’s like to feel unheard, so he checks up on you a lot no matter how you’re feeling

when you’re happy, the two of you will go on cute little dates together

he’ll buy you a pretty necklace for your date and it’s an S for his name

when you’re angry, he’ll always try and calm you down without yelling

you try your best to not yell either since both of you know it doesn’t get you anywhere

DARRY CURTIS

you weren’t feeling that good for the past couple weeks ever since pony and johnny ran away

you stayed at darry’s house for a while, he was worried sick about the two boys

then you heard the phone ring, so you looked at darry, and he motioned you to go answer it

you got up off the counter and into the living room, where the phone was ringing loudly

picking up the phone, you said, “y/n l/n, what do you need?”

the person on the other end asked, “is darry curtis there? his brother and friend are in the hospital.”

your eyes went wide and you felt happy that the boys were back, but scared as to why they were in the hospital

you put the phone down without answering back, and ran to darry to tell him what had happened

he yelled for soda to come down since they had to go see pony and johnny in the hospital

he immediately went out the door and drove you two to the hospital, and you went to the floor where pony and johnny were

when you saw pony sitting on the chair, you smiled widely

darry was happy to see you feeling good again, but was still worried about why pony and johnny where there

he can get really impatient and frustrated with you at times but tries to stay calm because you can’t control how you act sometimes

most of the time, he knows when you’re struggling and tries to help you

so sometimes he’ll schedule an emergency therapy if you’re in a really bad mental state for whatever reason

he really cares about you but doesn’t always have the time or patience to try and reason with you

when you’re happy and feeling good, he’ll take you out to different places

sometimes it’s a restaurant and sometimes it’s just a little activity for you two to do together

he really likes cooking, so he’ll make food for you and will try new recipes

he’ll ask you to help him out with cooking since he knows you like to be a part of things

when you’re feeling sad, he tries to get you out of that mindset as soon as possible

he’ll still include you in hangouts in hope that you’ll feel better

DALLAS WINSTON

you were in one of your episodes, specifically one where you were mad all the time, which lasted for a few weeks

you knew you couldn’t do much about it, but dally would always try to get you out of the pissed off mindset

he always tried to make you feel better, even though most of the time, it wouldn’t do anything

he still wanted you to know he loves you, even if you wouldn’t appreciate it in the moment, you would appreciate it later when you were feeling better

today was your birthday, however, so dally took you out for dinner and actually paid

that got you out of your mad mindset, and he saw the moment you switched over to being happy

seeing that might’ve made him the happiest he’s ever been, knowing that he was the one to get you to switch over

you smiled and apologized for how you acted a few days ago, the two of you got into an argument

he brushed it off and said it was okay, and the two of you continued your dinner

when you were in your depressive episodes, he would help you shower, eat and go on walks since you hardly had the energy to get up

he would bathe you and buy you meals so you could eat

making you go outside at least every few days, the two of you would go on walks since he wanted you to get fresh air

when you were feeling mad, and you would feel that way for weeks, he would mostly stay away even though it was difficult for him

you were feeling happy and told him that if you were being all pissy at him, he should just not talk to you

you didn’t want to ruin your relationship or say something you didn’t mean, so you don’t him not to interact with you at those times

he still would, though, he would do little check ups on you to see if you were feeling okay, or if you wanted anything

if you were happy, he tried to keep you in that state for as long as he could

he thought you would stay happier if he gave you things, a lot of attention, and was overall with you more

it did work for a bit, until you randomly switched over, but he didn’t understand why

he would get impatient and frustrated with you at some points, but always managed to push through since he cared about you so much

TWO-BIT MATTHEWS

feeling bad the past couple weeks, two-bit decided to invite you to hang out with the gang

he just wants you to get some fresh air and to socialize with others, since you hadn’t in a few weeks

all of you were getting milkshakes at a diner and were talking

you drank a bit of your milkshake when two-bit started talking

then he made a joke about someone at another table, and of course everyone laughed, including you

he looked to you and smiled, weirdly proud of himself for getting you to feel better

he’d always try to make jokes even if you weren’t feeling the best

when you aren’t feeling that well, he’ll bring you to the drive-in so you can spend time together and just to try to help you feel better

STEVE RANDLE

the two of you were randomly talking while he was on his break at work, you decided to visit him at the DX

both of you were sitting down in the back, eating burgers and drinking soda

he asked you how school was going for you, and your eyes lit up

you started moving your hands around a lot and kicking your feet, talking about a fun project you were working on with your friends

he listened and continued asking questions in order to lengthen the conversation since you seemed excited

you didn’t think much about how you were down and now you were happy, so you started talking about some drama between a boy and girl in your class

he was normally the one to talk, but enjoyed hearing you talk more than you normally did

when you’re not feeling the best, he’ll bring you into the DX so you can help him fix up cars

it’s just a new thing for you to learn and to hang out with each other

he’s weirdly smart in some ways, so he’ll occasionally help you with history, since he was always into that

when you were feeling really happy, he’d invite you to hang out with the gang

he knew you appreciated it and would invite you whenever he could

(if you can’t tell, i never have ideas for steve so sorry)

authors note: sorry i’m posting this late! i hope you guys enjoyed reading, sorry if this was offensive or really unrealistic. i’m making a chocolate cake so maybe ill show you guys when im done :3💗

[lurkingshan]

Intergenerational Trauma Challenge - 180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us

It’s winter and I’m huddled up in my house hiding from the cold weather, so obviously this is the perfect time to tackle another entry on the intergenerational family trauma challenge list. This week I finally watched 180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us, a Thai drama about Wang, a young man just coming of age who is desperately seeking answers about his father’s death; Sasiwimol, Wang’s very complicated mother who does not want to dig up the past; Inthawut, his father’s best friend who has been hiding from it for years; and Siam, the black hole at the center of this story.

Before I dig into the trauma themes, let me just say that this show is excellent, if not for everyone. It has a very intentional style that makes it feel like a stage play—the writer is a playwright—and it’s basically eight episodes of very intense conversations. It’s not a romance and there’s an intellectualism in the writing that I found kept me at an emotional remove from the characters even as I marveled at how well crafted the dialogue is. And the dialogue is very important, which is why the translation of this drama is much stronger than we typically get from Thai productions—the words matter. It’s also loaded with visual metaphors and is all around beautiful to look at, and the three main performers are fantastic. I highly recommend it to anyone who likes theater, stories about complicated families, or beautiful and talented actors showing their work. And more than anything else, this show does incredibly strong thematic work and its messaging is on point: this is a story about how noble idiocy ruins lives.   

So, with that said, onto the trauma! Spoilers ahead, and I am assuming anyone reading past this point has watched the show. Some themes you’ll see in this one: taboo, denial of queer identity, homophobia, filial piety, and lots of emotional manipulation. Shoutout to @bengiyo and @twig-tea for reading this to make sure I didn’t miss anything in this complex story.

There are two main sources of intergenerational trauma radiating down toward Wang: the absence of his father, Siam, and his intense relationship with his mercurial mother, Sasiwimol. The story is structured around Wang’s determination to seek answers about Siam—both who he was and how he died. He has grown up knowing a certain story: that his parents met and fell in love in college but divorced when he was young, that his father loved him very much despite not staying with his mother, and that his father was an alcoholic who died in a drunk driving accident. Shortly after his father’s death, his mom put him in boarding school so she could focus on her career and became a weekend parent to him—as she was not around to structure his day to day life, their relationship became more about her taking him on fun adventures and spoiling him when she had time off, treating each other as best friends instead of like a mother and son, and never talking about Siam. He has always suspected there was more to the story of his parents that he was not being told, and as he has grown up, come into his own queerness, and picked up on his mother’s casual homophobia and obsessive devotion to compulsory heteronormativity, his suspicions about the secret his mom was holding became sharper. 

Enter Inthawut. Inthawut was Siam’s best friend, and with nothing to go on but a set of old pictures, Wang has an instinctual certainty that he is the key to the secret he’s seeking. And thus he engineers a way for he and his mom to “coincidentally” stumble onto Inthawut’s property and get invited to stay a few days in his isolated home, at which point Wang begins his campaign to figure out what the hell happened between Siam, Sasiwimol, and Inthawut at any cost.

One of the things I find most interesting about this story is how much the plot hinges on Wang going against Asian cultural norms in his pursuit of the truth. He is not respectful to his elders. He does not maintain filial piety and deference to his mother. He refuses to restrain his emotions. Instead, he is pushy and relentless and emotionally manipulative (all tricks we can plainly see he learned from Sasiwimol) and Inthawut doesn’t stand a chance against him. And so, because Wang explicitly acts against these cultural values, the truth comes out and the trauma is no longer suppressed. 

And in the end, it’s a simple, if desperately sad story: Siam and Inthawut were in love, but Inthawut was battling internalized homophobia and deep-seeded fear and so he relentlessly pushed Siam away and toward dating and then marrying their friend Sasiwimol. And when Siam, miserable in this heterosexual relationship he never actually wanted, finally snapped and confessed his true feelings, Inthawut rejected him and ran away to study abroad. Inthawut was running due to his own fear, but he also had noble notions of somehow protecting Siam from his own queerness and told himself that if he was gone, Siam would accept his heterosexual life. Of course, that did not happen, and in the fallout of this rejection Siam sank further into alcoholism and died soon after. Inthawut’s reaction was the exact worst fear of all gay people who work up the courage to confess to a friend they have developed feelings for: outright rejection, abandonment, and destruction of the relationship. And in his mind, he did this to Siam “for his own good,” a fairly textbook execution of the noble idiocy trope. In the aftermath, we see how Inthawut has isolated himself, part in penance, part in self-protection, and intellectualized his way to a romantic construction of his own cowardice that he tries to convince Wang is righteous.

But Wang is deeply affected by how the denial of his father’s queerness ruined his life and is absolutely not having any of Inthawut’s self-denying bullshit, and this is where things get messy, as both Wang and Inthuwat seem to start seeing Wang and Siam as interchangeable and they develop an emotional entanglement that is deeply unhealthy, to say the least. Wang wants to understand Siam so badly that he starts to be him, and Inthuwat is so desperate to address his regret and shame that he starts to see Wang as Siam, as well. Wang also uses this attachment as a way to shock his mother and forcefully bring her real feelings about Siam and Inthawut to the surface. Despite Wang’s many loud protestations to the contrary, I don’t believe that he and Inthawut actually love each other. They are using each other to work out their trauma about Siam.

And they’re not the only ones! Sasiwimol seems to have her own psychological confusion about Wang as he relates to Siam, and their dynamic is very strange as a result. She refers to Wang as dua-eeng (and has taught him to do the same with her rather than calling her “mom”), a Thai endearment that literally means “self” but is often used between lovers. They have a very physically affectionate relationship that often had me grimacing in discomfort, and she clearly sees Wang as both a source of pain—because he is so like Siam—and her one source of comfort and happiness. She is a successful woman by any standard, but she’s also desperately lonely, hanging on tight to Wang as her only companion in a way that often veers into overbearing, and deeply wounded by her past with Siam and Inthawut. It was through her own friendship with Inthawut that she pursued Siam in the first place, and she clearly feels betrayed not only by Siam, but by Inthawut, both for getting in the way of her relationship with Siam and for leaving them. Her feelings about both men are complex and the story never fully spells them out, in part because Sasiwimol never does. Determinedly not thinking about what happened between them is a big part of how she copes, along with sublimating her suspicions into homophobia, which she perpetuates quite intentionally in her work via production of heterosexual romance propaganda.

Wang clearly loves his mother even as he is frustrated by her prejudices, her desire to control him, and her tendency toward emotional manipulation. He is a perceptive kid and he has studied her closely; he understands her very well and can often predict exactly how she’ll react to a situation. Which is why his decision to announce baldly to her face that he is in love with Inthawut—not only coming out as gay but declaring his intention to move out of her home and in with a man 20+ years his senior who is deeply entangled with her own trauma—felt very intentional to me. He knew what kind of reaction that would get from her, and he wanted it. And sure enough, Sasiwimol crumbles at this repetition of her trauma and the perceived disloyalty of Wang choosing Inthawut over her just as his father did. The rest of the emotion she’d been holding back comes pouring out, resulting in the three of them finally airing out everything that lies between them and everything they are feeling about the Siam-shaped hole in their lives. And once she breaks down, Wang is able to forgive her for the grievance she’s caused him and ultimately decides to remain filial and continue living with her, because he does not actually want to punish his mother for what happened to his father. 

So, in the end, where did the story leave us with all this trauma? I can’t really say that any of these characters have healed, but I do think Wang kick-started that process, at least for himself. He got what he needed most out of this little scheme: deeper understanding of who his father was and why his life took such a drastic turn. He remains caught in the dysfunctional dynamic with his mother, and I’m not sure he’ll ever fully break out of it, but at least there is more honesty between them now about what they’re dancing around. She now knows he is gay and she has to accept it to keep him with her, and given that he has backed off from asking her to accept something much scarier than that, I do think she will find a way to make her peace with it. Inthawut is the character who seems to have progressed the least, standing firmly in his stasis and remaining determinedly alone with his pain, though the show leaves us with a note of ambiguity that suggests he may someday find the courage to move on.

The messages of this work are clear. Internalized homophobia and denial of your own queerness are poison for your soul. Rejecting a loved one “for their own good” is an act of cowardice and selfishness, not an act of love. Hiding from and sublimating your trauma will never allow you to heal. Refusing to process your pain will only lead to you pushing it down on the next generation. Ultimately, this story told us that bravely looking ourselves and our trauma in the face and confronting our truths head on is the only way to begin to heal, and that running from them only leads to ruin. 

[coraniaid]

I remember reading a good post on here a year or two -- which I'm afraid I've been unable to track down again -- which pointed out that the Buffy writers' retroactive creation of a central coordinating "Watcher's Council" in Season 3 makes the fact Kendra wasn't expecting to meet Buffy when she visited Sunnydale in Season 2 rather strange. Surely Giles would have been sending in reports about Buffy's vampire-slaying to the Council, and surely the Council would have passed these on to Kendra's Watcher when he became worried that something bad was about to happen in Sunnydale. The post suggested as an explanation the theory that, after Buffy died and Kendra was activated as a Slayer, the Council just assumed Giles was coping really badly with losing his Slayer and dismissed all of his follow-up reports about her out of hand as a sad delusional fantasy.

In the same spirit, I'd like to propose that the fact Faith clearly is expecting to meet Buffy when she arrives in Sunnydale in Season 3 suggests that, inverting the pattern above, Giles has been lying to the Council about Buffy all summer and pretending that she's still in town doing her duty as a Slayer (and that he isn't spending all his time flying around the country desperately trying to find her).

This gets a bit long, but bear with me.

Faith knows about Buffy and she's heard at least a few stories about her (she calls her "infamous" and asks: "so, B, did you really use a rocket launcher one time?"). Faith can only have heard about past Slayers from her Watcher, who must ultimately (indirectly) have heard any details about Buffy through Giles sending reports back to the Council.

But Faith isn't just aware of Buffy as some abstract former Slayer. She comes to Sunnydale looking for her ("you're ... uh, Buffy, right? [...] I figured this was my chance to meet [you]") and, I suspect, deliberately arranged her fight with a vampire at the Bronze to make this happen (in particular she only seems to start fighting back once she has an audience...). Why didn't she head to Jamacia in search of Kendra? Well, clearly her Watcher must have told her that Buffy Summers was alive and that it was Kendra's death, not Buffy's, that had led to her being called. (Clutching at straws, but if you go back and watch the episode, Faith does nod slightly when Cordelia talks about Kendra dying; maybe her Watcher told her a bit about Kendra too?)

But how could Faith's Watcher (or anybody else), knowing that Faith has just been called as a Slayer, be sure which of the two previously alive Slayers had just died? (The show later retcons that only Kendra's death would have called a new Slayer, and Buffy's wouldn't, but I don't believe the writers had decided this was the plan before the end of Season 5's The Gift. The Mayor doesn't seem to think this is how it works, for example, and there are some things the writers said at the time that seem to rule it out too. But even if that was always what would have happened, if two Slayers at a time is unprecedented, as the show suggests, how could the Council be sure?)

The simplest answer must be that somebody told them that Kendra died. "Somebody" being, of course, Giles. But when did he tell them? The earliest he could have done it was at the end of the Becoming two-parter (Kendra dies in part one, but Giles is a prisoner for most of the following episode and I doubt Angel was letting him mail postcards back to England).

But the end of Becoming is also the point where Buffy leaves town and goes into hiding for months. Any report that Giles sent the Council from this point should have mentioned this, surely? The Council have all sorts of resources that they could have used to find her. It didn't have to be just Giles himself haring off after every false lead. But apparently, it was.

So, I think Giles wrote to the Council after Kendra died to let Sam Zabuto know and (whether actively or through omission) just ... let them think Buffy was still in Sunnydale. And then when it was time to send his next report in, he just ... kept pretending Buffy was still in town. Once he failed to tell them she was gone, he could hardly admit that she'd actually vanished weeks ago, could he? The Council generally have a pretty hands-off management style, but I don't think they'd have kept paying him if they realized he didn't actually know where his Slayer was or what she was up to. They might have decided earlier than in canon that he wasn't up to the job and needed to be replaced. Or even that this technically made Buffy a "rogue Slayer" who was refusing to follow her Watcher's orders. I think it makes sense he wouldn't tell them.

Which is why, over the summer, Faith's Watcher was telling her stories about Buffy Summers, the Slayer with a rocket launcher, stories which made Faith think she was living and Slaying in Sunnydale. Even though, for most -- maybe all -- of the summer Faith spent with her first Watcher, Buffy wasn't in Sunnydale at all.

(The show's a little bit vague about how much time passes between the start of Dead Man's Party and Faith's arrival in Faith, Hope & Trick but I don't think it's credible that it was enough time for Giles to be reunited with Buffy, for him to tell the Council she was back (and them to believe him), for the Council to tell Faith's Watcher, for Faith's Watcher to tell her, for Kakistos to murder Faith's Watcher and for Faith to flee Boston and travel over 3000 miles to Sunnydale through whatever combination of hitchhiking, freighthopping and motor vehicle theft she's meant to have used to make it there (she can barely cover the costs of the cheapest motel in Sunnydale: I don't exactly think she could afford a cross-country flight). When Giles gets through to the Watcher's retreat in England, enough time has passed for them to have found out about and confirmed Faith's Watcher was dead, and that can't have been quick either: Faith wasn't exactly rushing to tell them.)

So, all in all, Faith is pretty lucky she arrived in Sunnydale when she did. A few days earlier, and she'd have missed Buffy entirely. Maybe eventually one of her attempts to stage a fight so she could look cool in front of another Slayer would lead her into meeting the Scoobies and Giles and figuring out what was going on, but maybe not. Maybe Kakistos would have caught up with her first.

And, even if it's not intended, I like the symmetry of Kendra not knowing Buffy would be in Sunnydale (because Giles truthfully told the Council she was and they didn't believe him), versus Faith going to Sunnydale specifically to meet Buffy not knowing she might not even be there (because this time the Council did believe Giles but this time he was lying to them).

[willwritesfanficagain]

Doctor Who - Theme Park Idea

So last night at work I had an idea for a Doctor who story/episode that I'd like to see. I don't know which Doctor and companion it'd be but as its currently Ncuti Gatwa and Millie Gibson, I suppose it I go with them. Also I can imagine Ruby Sunday being up for a theme park or 2.

The idea start with them wanting to explore the best theme park ever and find an entire planet which has been turned into the galaxy's biggest and best adventure world.

The planet is busy with thrill seekers, human and non-human. There are tons of exotic rides and rollercoasters that could be nods to paste enemies or stories from Doctor Who past like Flight of the Angels or The Toy Makers Fun House etc...

Throughout the planet there are thousands of funky looking alien Mascots that help guests find their way around and also act as entertainment. We learn that these Mascot are a rare species of some kind that live to serve (like the ood) but don't have a very long life span, weeks at best. The doctor begins to suspect something so he scans with the Sonic and finds out that the Mascots are all mature and it shows they're all decades, some even centuries old. The first clue that something sinister is happening.

Ruby Goes on a rollercoaster while the doctor waits outside and get food or something. When Ruby doesn't return after Riding the coaster The Doctor grows more and more concerned. At the side of this coasters grounds is a small building. It looks like a staff room, and when the doctor sees a few mascots exiting it, he comes to the same conclusion, for now...

...Plot Plot Plot....

The twist is that the are certain rides all over the park that are somehow transforming and brainwashing guests at the park into these Mascots. The transformation is extremely harmful and life limiting which s why they only live weeks after being turned into the parks play things. But some DNA from who they used to be remains which is why the doctors sonic picked up on their actual ages.

The owner and higher management of the park are using the guests as Mascots to cut down on costs. Why bother hiring workers when you can make them, and when people come to a theme park for a good time, why not make live out their last weeks as fun loving entertainers for other guests.

...Plot Plot Plot....

The Doctor finds a way to reverse the transformed people back to their original bodies. Ruby is returned and they leave

The End (I Dunno)

[schizosupport]

this is going to be very long and rambly, i apologize. you can answer any, all, or no parts of it, i guess i just really need to blurt it all out to *someone*

for the past 3 or 4 years, ive been having mild (?) transient stress related psychotic symptoms. i suspect i have a cluster b pd which could possibly cover that

at first it was mostly paranoia i think ? usually the standard "theyre out to get me" type thoughts, both with people i knew and nebulous entities i couldnt define. it doesnt happen too frequently, but it seems to have gotten worse with time. this past fall / winter was especially bad bc i was already doing poorly mental health wise and was very isolated. a lot of the thoughts are still paranoia based, but some lean more towards delusions now (e.g. being afraid of the music i left to play from my phone speakers bc i felt it was hunting me down) as well as some that are fully bizarre (e.g. believing that ive been an angel stuck inside a human body my whole life, thinking theres a force field around my apartment thats keeping me stuck inside). for a while there was also this... pervasive sense of unreality almost ? like i would get frustrated that things werent operating on dream logic, or have difficulty differentiating dreams and reality in general. for the past couple months since then, ive had pretty much no issues

i always retain Some grasp on reality, whether its full on double booking or a vague sense of "something is wrong with me right now", which is enough for me to hide away from people and try to calm myself down and ground myself back to reality (... can you even do that with "real" delusions ? talk yourself out of them ?). the symptoms only last a few hours "at their peak", though the unsteady / unreality feeling may stick around for days or weeks surrounding that. im still able to be mostly functional for that part though. as such, nobody knows about any of this.

i just. i dont know. i dont have a therapist (i need one). im too afraid telling my friends will change their views on me irreparably even though they too struggle with (other) deeply stigmatized mental health issues. ive spent a lot of my childhood being called insane and incapable and i dont want it to happen again after ive finally found people that respect me. im worried ill have a full on psychotic break at some point (what the hell counts as "a break" ? can i call what ive been through "episodes" ?), or lose my ability to double book, or display symptoms in front of people i know. i just dont know what to do so im. spilling it out all here. so someone at all besides me knows

-- elias

Hey there,

Sorry it took me a while to get back to you.

It definitely sounds to me like you are experiencing some level of psychotic symtoms, and it sounds like it's causing you significant distress. You asked whether you can "talk yourself out of" a "real delusion" - and well, not as such, until the delusion passes, but they can be more or less long-lived and come with more or less insight.

The types of episode that only last a couple hours at full intensity are sometimes referred to as micropsychoses. When people talk about "a psychotic episode" it usually refers to a prolonged loss of reality that may last days, weeks or even months. But plenty of people on the schizo- and psychosis spectrum don't experience full-blown psychotic episodes. That doesn't make their psychosis un-serious, and it also isn't a given that these people will go on to develop worse psychotic symptoms.

I think one of the reasons the diagnosis of schizotypal exists, is because we needed to acknowledge that not every person's endpoint on the schizo-spectrum is schizophrenia, but that doesn't mean that their experience doesn't come with distress or disability.

I think you could try to do a vibe check with your friends to see how they react to the concept of psychosis and psychotic disorders. If they seem cool, then you could try to bring up your own experiences. It might be nice to be able to talk about those things, and get to experience that it doesn't have to be the end of the world, and not everyone will judge you for it.

I hope you all the best, anon!!

[dreamingofcalliope]

𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖉𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖒 𝖌𝖚𝖆𝖗𝖉 {𝖕𝖗𝖊𝖛𝖎𝖊𝖜}

When a woman sets him free at the cost of her own life, Dream vows to honour her sacrifice and lay her to rest in the Dreaming, once it is restored... only things don’t quite go to plan when she reawakens unexpectedly.

Pairing: Morpheus x Reader (no y/n used)

Warnings: graphic violence, blood, angst, major character death. basically all the same nasty stuff that happened in the first episode xD

A/N: a little preview of the first chapter of this story! I have no idea how long said story will be, or whether it’ll be all different instalments, I’m just kind of going with the flow right now. It is a fusion between the Sandman show and ideas from the Old Guard (which everyone should go watch too bc amazing)! 

Gif made by me!

The first shot split the air with a crack, even amidst the sound of shouting, and the splatter of red across the glass of his prison was uncomfortably familiar to Morpheus. 

His heart had not been inclined to hope for help since he had lost Jessamy, and though it still did not now, the similarity of the moment his loyal servant had been struck down was an uncomfortable weight.

The second took the woman to her knees, in a pose not unlike those who supplicated before him in the past, his subjects, in search of an audience with the King of Dreams and Nightmares, while her hand clutched at the new wound spilling red down the front of her body. Her eyes held his gaze, as it had since she’d found her way into the basement a few minutes earlier, and with the weight of resignation in his throat, Morpheus accepted he would now bear witness to another passing. 

Yet it was not shock he found in her features, surprise at a life cut short, rather she seemed… focused; on living, he supposed even as she pitched forward like a puppet whose strings had been cut, until she reached for the binding circle beneath his cage. He dared not look too long, to linger on the markings that had helped keep him prisoner all this time, even now as she reached for them, but the hope bloomed in his chest heedless of the cost of the act. 

The woman would die here, of that he held no doubt, yet that seed of hope sprouted that perhaps her sacrifice would not be completely in vain. In fact he swore it. 

If she were to set him free, he would see that sacrifice honoured.

Another shot came; he unconsciously echoed the flinch she gave but she did not falter. With her own blood coating her hand, and, he suspected, what little strength she had remaining, she swept across the markings; distorting the edges enough to destroy the power they contained. As he watched her head fall and the light die in her eyes, for the first time in over a century, his power spilled beyond the edges of his prison. 

Like a limb tight from disuse, he stretched his influence towards the guard whose gun was still raised. A push and more shots came, this time at the barrier separating them and finally it gave way, shattering under the joint pressure. 

He was free.

Once the guards were taken care of, and his jailers sufficiently punished, Morpheus approached the still form of his saviour. With gentle hands, he gathered her close and stood, escape and his promise at the forefront of his mind; he would not leave her body at the mercy of any servant of the Burgess family. A mixture of emotions; gratitude, sorrow, anger, relief, all warred inside him as he turned towards the swirling portal that would finally take them home and allowed it to carry them away from his prison for good.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[preciouslandmermaid]

"as the tides turn" (c.m.)

summary:

The BAU, joined by Emilia Wren, are called to Florida to investigate a case where the unsub drowns their victims and then dumps their body at a secondary location. Can they locate and stop the killer before it's too late?

This story was written using the "showrunners challenge", so at the end of each chapter, I rolled a D12 and followed whatever prompt was listed...which resulted in only minor hiccups.

cw/tw: mentions of drowning. it's a case fic, so they're talking about murder and unsubs and all the usual things that happen during a CM episode.

(read on ao3) || fic has 5 chapters

CHAPTER ONE: "as the tide rolls in"

“What would an ocean be without a monster lurking in the dark? It would be like sleep without dreams.” - Werner Herzog

Florida's oppressive, wet humidity ran its sticky fingers down the middle of Spencer’s back and cupped the nape of his neck in clammy rivulets of sweat. He shifted uncomfortably and swatted away an errant gnat that flew into his face. The rank of low tide and the sound of crying gulls surrounded the team, though he suspected they would soon be overwhelmed by white vans and clamoring reporters. This was, ironically enough, their few seconds of peace before the storm hit.

“Man was out walking his dog and saw her,” Deputy Roman said, “called it in right away.”

Hotch asked, “No other witnesses? And he didn’t approach the body?”

Roman shook his head. “I think it’s pretty obvious she’s been here awhile,” the deputy said while lifting the yellow police tape for Spencer and their newest member, Emilia, to enter the crime scene. Although considering Emilia was barely five feet tall, she didn’t need to duck as much as he did to cross the line. They maneuvered past crime techs taking photographs of the beach, and the body, and collecting samples of sand and seaweed.

“The unsub has familiarity with the tides,” Emilia said as she crouched next to the body, her short dark brown hair swaying in the seaside breeze, “he knew when to dump the body.”

“So, the unsub wants the victims found.” Hotch’s dark brow furrowed.

Spencer shot a glance toward Emilia, though his attention was swiftly drawn to the deceased—murdered–woman on the beach. She was Caucasian, likely in her early to mid-twenties, with blonde hair and dark roots. Her cheeks were puffy and ashen, and he could see her eyelids' delicate, blue veins. The deputy said the body had been here a while, but that couldn’t be accurate.

“A coastal area like this one would experience two tidal bulges,” Spencer said, “and it takes about six hours and twelve and half minutes for the water to go from high to low tide.”

Morgan crossed his arms and looked at the tall, blonde-haired deputy. “This is a small beach for residents only. How many go through here in a day?”

“This time of year? Not many, I’m afraid.” He rubbed his mouth. “Most of the residents in this area are snowbirds. They start flying to their second homes by mid-June.”

“Her body has started to bloat which means she’s been dead for at least seventy-two hours,” Emilia cut in, “and based on the tidal bulges, as Reid said, there’s only a six-hour window before the sea would’ve swallowed her.”

“We need confirmation from the medical examiner,” Spencer said, “humidity increases the decomposition rate.” He met Emilia’s honey-brown eyes framed by long lashes clumped with mascara. She tilted her head slightly in acknowledgment but said nothing more. A surge of relief swept through him. He had lived with himself long enough to recognize that sometimes his instinct to fact-check or correct, could rub people the wrong way, and put them on the defensive, and thankfully that had not happened with Emilia. Not ever, actually, now that he considered it. Usually, she’d reply with a soft and pensive ‘thank you’ whenever he’d share an anecdote.

Hotch said, “Either way, it’s clear the unsub killed her and then moved her here.” He took his phone from inside his blazer pocket. “Reid, head back to the station and start the geographical profile. We’ve got two bodies and two different dump sites that are miles away from one another.”

Spencer nodded.

“Deputy Roman, I need your people canvassing the area. If there’s a chance any of these homes are being rented while their owners are away that means someone could’ve seen something.”

“I think if someone saw or heard a woman being murdered then they would’ve called 911,” said Roman smugly.

Spencer opened his mouth to reply, but Emilia beat him to it.

“Our suspect likely drives a van or truck, considering they were able to transport a body,” she said, “have your guys ask about suspicious or unfamiliar vehicles within the past week or so.”

“Week?!”

“This unsub is organized and would’ve vetted the area beforehand.”

“Garcia,” Hotch said into his phone while walking toward the car, “we need catastrophic incidents in the area within the past five years.”

“I shall wave my magic wand and return with your wish granted, sir,” Garcia said, as chipper as ever before disconnecting.

“Wren–” he looked at Emilia, “I want you and JJ to interview the first victim’s mother.”

“Yes, sir.”

Spencer slid into the backseat next to Emilia. The leather interior stuck to his palms, though he was grateful for the rush of air conditioning that expelled in a rush from the vents and tousled his light brown hair.

Morgan twisted in the passenger seat, his sunglasses pushed up onto his head, and his attention on Emilia. “Nothing like returning to your hometown, huh little bird?”

She scoffed, rolling her eyes and Spencer’s body went taut and quiet. Hometown?

“First of all, we lived fifty miles upstate,” she said while leveling Derek with a flat, intense stare. “And it hardly constitutes a ‘hometown’ when I lived there for a mere two years when I was fourteen.”

Derek smiled. “Fourteen is an impressionable age. You could’ve been a lifeguard instead of an FBI agent.”

Her lips quirked. Derek had that easy-going charm to him that most – especially women – found either irresistible or endearing. He scanned her face, checking for the telltale signs of attraction: dilated pupils, quickened breath, flushed cheeks, or mirroring body language. It was instinctual to him. He had to consciously turn off the parts of his brain that profiled and analyzed. But, Emilia leaned into her seat, crossed her legs, and replied to him with a casual, and straightforward tone.

“I think my innate sense of morality and justice would’ve put me on this path one way or another.”

“Nature versus nurture.”

Spencer found his moment to chime in, “John Locke said that ‘the mind is like a tabula rasa, a blank slate, which is later filled by experience,’ and that we, with the freedom of our individuality, must fill our lives with experiences to gain knowledge and understanding. If we follow Locke’s philosophy, then we wouldn’t be born with a sense of justice built in, but rather experience hundreds to thousands of different moments and memories that shape our perception towards the world, our interpersonal relationships, and our relationship to the concepts of justice, morality, and ethics.”

“Says the boy genius with an 187 IQ,” Morgan teased.

“Hey, his mom was a professor,” Emilia said, rising to Spencer’s defense with a light smile which in turn made his chest glow with warmth.

Before Morgan could make a counter-argument, his phone rang and Garcia’s bright voice sang out over the speakerphone. “Hello, my beauties. I’ve got the deets on our first victim, Mary-Anne. She was majoring in fashion design, although, she took several of her general education classes at the local community college before transferring.”

“Nice work, baby girl,” Morgan said, “how’s the staff look? Has anyone fired or filed grievances in the past six months?”

“No terminations, although one professor was put on academic probation.”

“Keep digging, Garcia,” Hotch said, “until we identify our Jane Doe, Mary-Anne is the only link to the unsub.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Chapter Two ->]

Some general housekeeping if you are curious: 1) Every roughly 1k words, I end the chapter and roll my d12 to see what happened next. 2) I told myself that this fic would take place over a single case and would end once the investigation did (much like the in TV show). 3) credit to this challenge goes to Runawaymarbles (also sorta by sprintingowl) on Tumblr 4) I'd love to hear any feedback considering this was my first time writing a challenge :,) Enjoy!

I rolled my D12 and got the number 3 which reads: Fan favorite. Your most recently mentioned character (or named object) is now beloved by the audience. You must give it a bigger part in the story, a special destiny, or an important new romance or friendship. If you get this twice for the same character or object, the adoration cools and you must go back to treating the character or object normally.

[thefandomenchantress]

SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 11 OF CHAPTER 2 IN DRDT

Alright, so I may be overthinking this...Like, a lot...but I've got a theory (Also this is copy and pasted from my comment on YouTube).

So something interesting I only caught on a rewatch is that David does not actually confirm all of Ace's testimony.  Here's the quote:

"But I will admit, I did indeed meet Arei last night in the relaxation room.  As for what I actually talked to her about...Well, I've already forgotten!  She's dead now, so who cares?"

Now what I gathered from this was that while he is confirming that he met with Arei in the relaxation room, he is not confirming that their conversation contained the information Ace said that it did.

Which struck me as odd, since you'd think after giving that whole speech about just admitting the truth, David would just admit that Arei accused him of having that secret.  But he doesn't.  Instead, he keeps repeating that Ace is lying about something, (Since he says he wants to call Ace a "worthless lying piece of shit") but doesn't bother actually calling him out on it.  Not because of his pride or anything, like he said was his reason for revealing his secret, but because he thought that the rest of the cast wouldn't listen, implying this was the truth but that none of them were willing to hear it anymore.  And so he drops the topic and Ace's entire testimony is just kinda confirmed in the rest of the cast's eyes, even the stuff that wasn't confirmed by David.

So in my opinion, with all that evidence...Ace is definitely lying about the stuff that happened when David and Arei met up.  I'm not sure what they actually talked about, but it probably wasn't related to David's secret, since David seemed so surprised Ace knew about his secret even though his conversation with Arei could've easily been overheard.

But the next question we have to address is...Why would Ace even lie in the first place?

The obvious answer is that he was being suspected of murder and wanted to throw the blame onto David, and that might be true.  But if Ace was lying about this entire interaction like I suspect, that would require him to have already picked up on the fact that David was a lying manipulator, something no one besides Teruko had noticed.

And if Ace already knew that, without overhearing anything, you'd think he'd just tell everyone, 'Hey, David is a manipulating scumbag', not make up an elaborate story about how he'd overheard Arei say it.

But here's the thing: Ace has stated over and over that he doesn't want to die, and that it's one of his greatest fears.  Veronika told him that being so mean to everyone would make them want to kill him, and that's true for murders like the one Nico pulled, that was done purely on emotion and no regards for what could happen in result of their actions.  But if you really thought about it for more than a few seconds, you'd realize that if you really wanted to get away with murder, you'd aim to kill the people who you'd think could solve the murder.  You wouldn't go for the idiot jockey who wouldn't be able to solve the case no matter how hard he tried.

But if Ace were to say that he has more observational skills than literally everyone else in the room, since he managed to catch onto the fact that David was a manipulator when no one else did, (Besides Teruko, who only knew because of her first interaction with David when he broke character), then that would be all the reason a killer would need to justify killing Ace.  He was a complete jerk and could potentially notice things the others didn't.

So instead of telling the rest of the class that he was the one who caught onto David's false persona, he claimed Arei figured it out, simply by reading the secret over Whit's shoulder, something he oh-so-conveniently didn't notice at all.

...So yeah.  That's why I think David was calling Ace a liar even after he said he'd stop denying things that weren't true.  I'm probably waaaay overthinking this, but that's my theory.

[gubes-sweaters]

Fire on Fire

Summary: Spencer’s post-prison therapy session doesn’t go quite as planned. While discussing the ghosts of his past he becomes spacy, thoughts lingering on what could’ve been.

Content Warning(s): Talks of Spencer’s trauma, addiction, allusions to what cat did to spencer, brief mentions of Maeve’s death, a brief mention of what happened to the unsub from season 5 episode 12 ‘uncanny valley’ aka the living dolls episode. (I think that’s all but if there’s any more let me know) !ALSO ANYTHING THAT THE ‘THERAPIST’ SAYS IN HERE IS NOT ANY SORT OF SOUND ADVICE, IT JUST USED AS A PLOT POINT!

Word Count: 1.7k

Chapter 1: Maybe it’s all That i’ve Been Through

“Now Spencer, have you made any attempts to contact any of the people you’d like to reconcile with? At least the ones we wrote down last session,” the woman asks as she closes his patient file. She pushes her wide glasses up her nose with her nimble fingers, shifting in her seat before looking up at him.

“Yes, I um, actually got to everyone, except for one, but I don’t think I’m going to reach out to the one I scribbled off,” he says, trying not to fidget much in his seat. 

Despite the relaxing room equipped with a white noise machine, dim lights, along with the comforting smell and crackling sound of a candle, Spencer found it nearly impossible to do just that. It may be because these therapist seasons were the last step before he could fully return to the BAU. His anxiousness to bury himself in his work once again was clawing at him. 

He’s not used to having the watchful eye of a professional to pick apart his behavior at all times, at least while he’s in this room with her. He feels intimidated and paranoid, but those feelings aren’t as strong as they were while he was in prison. Which is the whole reason why he’s stuck in this room right now.

“Why was that?” The older woman inquired as she stares at him, her head cocks to the side as her wavy gray hair that frames her face shifts with her.

“I didn’t realize how many people there were that I wanted to connect with,” he says, looking out the window thinking of the difficult dinner he had just last night. They were the second to last on the dreaded list. As if she can hear his thoughts his therapist pipes up.

“Now I know you had a few people you wanted to speak to. There was a distant relative of a man named Tobias Hankle who was…” she trails off to let Spencer fill in the gaps.

“An unidentified suspect, an unsub. It’s what we call the people in our criminal investigations.” Spencer says.

“Right, and he was the reason for your addiction. Correct?” She asks in an attempt to keep him engaged in the conversation.

“Mhm,” is all Spencer musters up.

He looks out at the view from the therapist's office. There’s a park right across the road with large willow trees, casting shadows down at a happy family. ‘That could've been him,’ he thinks to himself. A dad playing with the older child. The kid bopping along happily in the lush grass. A woman sat at a park bench, not too far from the other two, with a baby happily gurgling on her lap, clapping along to the antics of the two in from of them. It pains him to know he has no memories of his own like that. Not from his own childhood and none from a family of his own.

“Spencer?’ The woman sitting across the mahogany coffee table asks him.

“Yes?” he responds, not even realizing she was still speaking to him.

“I asked you about the others on the list. Both of your parents, Derek Morgan, Stephen Gideon, Elle Greenaway, Mary and Joe Donovan, and one last one that’s scribbled over. Who’ve you reached out to?”

“Um, I sent Tobias Hankle’s cousin and letter, then I talked to my mom, but there’s not a lot to talk about with her. She hardly knows who I am anymore. I sent my dad an email and he sent one back, but I don’t know if I can bring myself to read it quite yet. I talked to Morgan. I actually had dinner at his house with his family and it was nice. Stephen Gideon didn’t pick up any of my calls and he didn’t email me back. Elle called me back, it was nice to hear her again,” he says before he cuts himself off. The last two, Maeve’s parents, that was the terrible dinner he had the night prior.

The memories were still so fresh and it hurt to think about for too long. The actual memories themselves were not terrible, they were content and happy, but something about seeing that Maeve came from such a happy family hurt even more. She was pure sunshine and now he knows where she got it from. 

“And?” She pushes.

“I talked to my ex-girlfriend's parents last night. After everything they’re been through I didn’t think they would’ve wanted to talk to me, but they did. They welcomed me into their own home. I think hearing them talk about everything made me blame myself a lot less,” he says trying to choke back tears. The lump in his throat seemed to swell.

He thinks about the tight hug her mom gave him. How she commented about how tired he looked as she dished out food for him. It was the first really good home cooked meal he enjoyed since before prison, other than at Morgan’s house the week prior. He thought about Maeve’s dad talking about Maeve when she was younger. It made his empty heart clench, sitting there imaging Maeve sitting next to him at the table, giggling along to her fathers stories. A shiny diamond ring on her finger, that catches the light from the delicate chandelier that hung over her parents' dinner table, as she lifts a glass of wine to her lips. The thought of that never happening made Spencer’s loneliness all the more soul crushing. He longed for that feeling of domesticity.

“That was progress. We talked about you alleviating the blame that you pile on yourself. Now, I would like to know who this is on the bottom you scribbled off?” she asks, pointing her pen to the writing at the bottom of a notebook. 

“I’m not too particularly keen on reaching out to her.”

“Why is that, are you afraid of rejection from this mystery person,” she inquires.

“No, everything with Cat Adams was very recent, and I know the investigation just stirred up her life. At least that’s what I heard from my team. I’m not sure if I want to do that again,” Spencer replies with a shrug of his shoulder before chewing on the inside of his lip. He knew he was partially making excuses.

“Well, this is your time to be a little selfish when it comes to your healing. We’re also supposed to be growing some more empathy for people like Tobias Hankle and Cat Adams. We’re not washing them of any wrong doings but,” is all she gets out before Spencer cuts in.

“I know, the bureau wants me to still feel bad for unsubs and in a lot of cases I do. Samantha Malcom is one that sticks out, sure she kidnapped women and basically turned them into living dolls, two of them she even accidentally killed, but she had also been physically, sexually, emotionally, and mentally abused by her father her entire childhood. Part of my heart hurts for her. There’s too many to count in all honesty. I look at them and it’s like looking in the mirror,” He says quickly.

“Spencer, I know you have a good heart, but after all you’ve been through in prison and your wrongful conviction I think it’d be best to speak with someone who knew Cat Adams and was going through similar things to her in order to not look at this all so… clinically. We can look at these peoples actions as monstrous, but we can’t paint everyone incapable of changing their lives. Abuse victims aren’t a monolith and if you think of what Cat has been through and think that her way out is justified, or any person's way out was justified, then we can’t have you working in the field with that mentality, given everything you’ve been through,” she says, trying to give him the softest, empathetic smile.

“I didn’t say that people seek vigilante justice or everyone reaches a tipping point. I never said those things were a healthy reaction either. I just,” this time it was the older woman's turn to interrupt him.

“You just poisoned men while in prison in the name of vigilante justice, or framed a man for assault, or told your unit chief Emily Prentiss that you would’ve had no problem murdering Peter Lewis a.k.a. Mr. Scratch. Spencer I know how your brain has been scrambled by being put in such a dog eat dog environment like that prison is. I just want you to exercise empathy by reaching out to her. I’m not asking you to ever justify any of Cat Adams’ behavior and I’m never going to ask you to forgive her for anything. You have a right to feel hurt, violated, and angry. I just want you to look at Cat Adams and see where her life went when she was hellbent on revenge. Then look at this family member of hers and see how she’s healed. At least I presume they’re a family member.”

“It’s her half sister. On her dad’s side.” he says shortly, feeling like a child who’s just been scolded by a parent. He knows she’s right in the effects of how it could help with healing, but a part of his heart that holds that hatred and content for Cat wants to project that onto her.

“Great, when you’re comfortable, reach out to her and simply ask to talk in a location that has brought you comfortability in your life other than your house. So you can feel a bit more relaxed and ready to open up. All of this is about doing what you can to improve your quality of life and your mental health. I care about you Spencer, I really do,” when she finishes her statement offers up another soft simple before opening his patient file backup once more.

“Alright.” he says with a gentle sigh.

“Well, that’s all for this week. Unless there’s something else you’d like to talk about. If not I’ll see you in two weeks,” she says, preparing to stand up.

When Spencer shakes his head no, they both wordlessly standup as he exits the room. He knew he already had the next appointment booked so he leaves with a polite wave and a tight lipped smile. Once he reaches his car, he takes a deep breath before cranking up his car. The warm August air causes him to shed his cardigan before pulling out his phone. He hovers over a number Penelope gave him. Dread fills his stomach once he hits the button to call her. Spencer once again looks at the happy family, now packing up their stuff as the line picks up.

“Hello?”

A/N: AHHHH! So I fell in love with writing again. Part of my burnout was caused by not wanting to pick up my series “unexpected turns” again because I didn’t plan it all out ahead of time, which was the worlds biggest mistake, but I digress because in my free time I’m going to rework that series while I put out this one. This one is already fully planned out and all of the rough drafts are done for it. So, the only thing I have left to do is polish this series, while reworking the other one. Any who I hope you enjoy the start to this series, if you do please like, comment, and reblog my work. Any engagement is much appreciated!

Taglist: @striving4averagegirl @measure-in-pain @tvandfanfic @haylaansmi @rexorangecouny @sophiario

[imabeautifulbutterfly]

Once Upon a Time on the Razor Crest

Summary: Lunch time

A/N: Hello lovelies,

What an amazing Bad Batch episode. Had me in tears, made me smile, made me laugh, made me upset. Just all over the place. Anyway, I'm on vacation, so no updates next week. I'll be content creating.

Also I just reached 450 followers! I'll be coming up with a way to celebrate it.

Love oo

Due to the past history of the OC there will be discussions alluding to past domestic abuse, please note that as it could be a trigger for some.

Warnings: discussions of lunch. If I miss any warnings, please let me know.

AO3 Link |   Words: 1,103 |   Previous -> Next

Main Master List   |  Once Upon a Time on the Razor Crest

THE CRESTWORLD

CHAPTER TEN

It felt weird being around people again, when for the past several weeks all I’d seen was Din and Grogu, and now there were at least 25 pairs of eyes watching me. It was nerve wracking.

“Why is everyone staring? Is there something on my face?” I quietly asked Din as I wiped away what I thought could be the issue.

“It’s not you, it’s me,” he responded, matching my tone.

“I don’t understand”

“Don’t worry about it, just look at your menu” he motioned with his head. 

“You guys ready to order, Din?”

I looked up to see one of the most beautiful women I’d ever seen before, she was almost as tall as Din, with a fantastic smile, incredible eyes, and the most thick head of hair ever. Instinctively, I touched my own, wondering how badly my own thinning hair looked; I had lost a lot of my hair due to the stress I experienced for the past few years. Even her skin was smooth and without blemish, I couldn’t help wondering what her skin care routine was, that she was able to look so amazing.

“I’ll have the fried nuna please, Omera,” Din responded without looking up.

“Sure, and you sweetie?” She smiled, radiating warmth and friendliness. 

I was lost for a second in her warmth and beauty, “Hmm, sorry”

She chuckled a little, “What do you want to eat, Ann?” Din let out exasperated.

“Oh, right sorry” I looked at the menu again, “What do you recommend?”

“The fried nuna is good, I like it, but the burgers here are quite delicious”

“Then a burger please”

“Coming right up, usual drink Din?”

“Sure, and bring one for her too.” He motioned towards the woman sitting in front of him. It had been a while since he had seen Omera and truthfully, he thought it would be a bit more awkward, especially after the disastrous date.

“Alright, two jogan fruit drinks coming up”

“Thank you, uh … O-Omera. Sorry if I messed it up”

“Not at all. Ann, right?”

“Yeah”

“Welcome to Sorgan”

“Thank you. Nice meeting you.”

“You too. I’ll go put in your order”

Din watched as she walked away heading to the counter behind him, a smirk appeared on my lips, as I took in the scene before me, “Oh, I see” I whispered.

He turned back to look at Ann, confusion on his face, “You see?” Din tilted his head.

“Nothing” I shook my head, I wasn’t about to open up my mouth about what I suspected. Not after what happened this morning, it was better to keep my nose out of it.

He glanced out the window, not saying anything to what she could possibly have been implying. He wasn’t in the mood to listen to any sort of speculation or remarks.

I took my time eyeing the rest of the patrons, there was an older couple off in the corner, smiling and joking. An older man in his late 50’s who looked annoyed and very miserable. Two men who were sitting eating their meal in relative silence, but seemed to be making jokes with one another every so often. There was a young guy maybe in his mid to late 20’s sitting at the bar of the diner, he glanced over to us every so often, his eyes caught mine. He gave a little smile, which left me feeling uneasy. I simply looked away and focused instead on reading the signs around the diner.

“Well-well, what brings you here, stranger?” 

I turned to the very unique and familiar voice, and there standing in all his glory, his cowboy hat on his head with that same smile I saw, from our first meeting stood the Marshall.

“Marshall Vanth” Din nodded, addressing him.

He took off his hat as he sat down beside me. The smile never leaving his face, he looked at Din, grabbing the menu from in front of him. 

“So Mr. Shut-in decided to bring you for lunch, huh?” He chuckled, nudging my arm as his warmth and friendly nature filled the table.

“Apparently, I did a good job today” I bumped his shoulder, as a smile graced my lips, grateful he was there adding a warmer atmosphere than what Din was providing. He seemed to have fallen back into his colder persona when we got closer to town. 

“Hmmm, yeah, if you mean nearly getting yourself killed a good job” he motioned with his hand, as he turned to look at the two of us, “then yeah, you did a good job” Din let out, annoyed at Cobb who felt it was acceptable to just sit down without asking. More annoyed that he was able to get Ann to smile so easily.

“I did not get myself killed. When would I have gotten myself killed?”

“You didn’t notice, because I stepped in and helped you”

“You know” I turned to look at Cobb, “he was all grumpy, being all kinds of rude this morning and I graciously let it slide, and now he’s been all fussy again. Especially after he went into detail about how good of a job I did.”

“Ha! Graciously?” Din huffed.

“I’m not surprised,” Cobb chuckled, ignoring Din’s comment.

“Hello Marshall” 

“Well hello Omera, you’re looking beautiful as always” he gave his best flirty smile as he looked at her.

“Thanks, your usual?”

“Today, I think I’ll go with a club sandwich today, Omera”

“You know Cobb, the chef wanted me to tell you, you try the club sandwich at the beginning of every month, and every time, you don’t like it, ending up sending it back and ordering your usual. He said that if you did it again, he’d come out and force you to eat it. Now, with that in mind, do you really want to order the club sandwich?”

“Of course not, I’ll just have the usual”

“Ugh! Every time.”

“You love me”

“Hardly”

“But I’m wearing you down, aren’t I?

“Not even close.” She shook her head, but there was a definite blush on her cheeks, “I’ll put your order in, give me a minute, what do you want to drink?”

“Caf would be lovely”

“Regular or your special?”

“My special, thanks”

I noticed Cobb also watched Omera walk away, hmmm, interesting, “So did you guys grow up together or something?” I motioned between Din and Cobb. As much as Din tried to be irritated with the man there was a definite hint of a smile on the corner of his lips, while Cobb simply chuckled as he pushed away the menu.

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[etherealnoir]

Found Ep. 10 Thoughts (Spoilers!)

I'd rate it a 7/10

TL;DR: One criticism of the show that someone left in my comments the other day was that they hated how fast cases get solved. And that it's okay for the investigation and conclusion to take over several episodes. The show could benefit from slowing down. I agree.

I did like that some of my theories were confirmed and that we're finally going to learn a little more about things in the coming weeks. I also like that new theories popped up. But ugh I was frustrated.

I hate that the Trafficking Ring story ended this way. I'm actually kind of mad about it. Because it had the potential to be a MASSIVE undertaking for the team, especially considering the fact that MOST of them have experience with child abduction.

I was expecting the trafficking storyline to be much larger than it actually was. Because trafficking rings tend to be a network of people in different cities/states/countries. It would've been a HUGE challenge for M&A to take on a massive trafficking ring that reached past the limits of the DMV. I fully expected the trafficking ring plot to be part of the season finale. I'm kind of disappointed that it ended up being another "Scooby-Doo villain admits to everything with a little bit of pressure and everything's solved now" ass conclusion.

Like...wydm? If the HS has been the center of the trafficking ring (which had NEVER been a prospect until now. It would've been nice if that were hinted at at least once during the actual episode when this was introduced), and students from other states have been going missing as well, this case IS NOT SOLVED. Where are all the other students aside from the three we learned about in a passing comment? Who are the other recruited students? How big is this ring? Who's taking these kids? There could be more to do here. But fine, okay, I guess that's done now or whatever.

Nevermind the fact that this is the first time we've ever seen this principal, but she's somehow pulling the strings behind this EPISODES LONG story. Girl I guess.

Anyway...

I like that my teacher theory was confirmed. And I suspect that if Hugh really didn't kill Annie (which I don't think he did), then Annie was acting as Hugh's accomplice when she spoke to Gabi through the window.

I think Sir told Annie to check and see if Gabi would try to escape, and if she DID, then Annie would go back to Hugh, tell him what happened, and Hugh would tell Gabi that Annie was killed out of punishment.

A few people on Twitter and I are speculating that to be the case. Especially since, in this episode, they introduced the idea of a groomed student becoming an accomplice to lure in another victim in the same episode that they finally introduced Annie.

[akstzs]

still so pissed about the Five and Lila thing bc the more I think about it the more unnecessary it becomes

one thing I noticed is that season 4 probably had the least romance subplots introduced compared to the past seasons probably because they introduced love interests for Luther. Diego, Allison, Klaus, Umbrella Ben, and Viktor in previous seasons

And the apocalypse of this season needed to have Sparrow Ben and Jennifer together for basically the whole season bc how else are they gonna touch each other so much they end the world /s

and Five was the ONE CHARACTER I was banking on not having a love interest outside of a mannequin but of course they have to set him up with Lila in the most convoluted way possible

it would have been SO EASY not to do that

It takes them six years trapped in the subway for them to get together? THEN DONT HAVE THEM TRAPPED THERE FOR SIX YEARS

six years was NOT NECESSARY, LITERALLY IF THEY HAD A MONTAGE OF THEM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE SUBWAY FOR LIKE A YEAR OR EVEN A FEW MONTHS IT WOULDVE GOTTEN THE SAME POINT ACROSS

they literally could’ve fit their screen time in that episode with anything else: trying to develop ciphers to figure out the subway instead of another Fives notes just being there on the tracks and also show the emotional toll it takes on them in ways that DONT LEAD TO THEM KISSING EACH OTHER like Lila realizing how long it’s been since she’s seen her kids or Five writing in a notebook and realizing he’s basically doing the same thing he was in the apocalypse trying to find a way home and hinting towards the diner scene where Five realizes it’s all a cycle that leads to the end of the world everytime

we don’t even find out any specifics on how the dimension subway works other than each station is an alternate universe, sure wish we had time to explore it more but ig we just had to have Five/Lila strawberry greenhouse cottage core instead

fricking got my hopes up bc they started the mission by being like we’re going to try and stop Ben’s death which was SO INTRIGUING TO ME and I fully thought it was going to happen bc they brought back the other umbrellas’ younger actors but oops wrong train

hell throw a bit of comedy and show Five picking up another mannequin and taking it along with them with Lila openly judging him

and worst of all even after they get out of the subway the stupid romance subplot turns into a love triangle with Diego

what was even the point of the earlier episodes of the season where Diego suspects Lila of cheating on him and Five reassuring him that she would never do that when it turns out that he was right to be suspicious bc BOTH OF THEM BETRAYED HIM

and so for the rest of the show Diego and Five are just bitter and angry for each other and Five NEVER FUCKING APOLOGIZES and so the ending where they all die together does not feel as deserved as it could have been because there’s still unsolved tension within the family so they don’t even end it all being truly united and content

Steve fricking Blackman insisting that Five MUST have a romance plot, sir have you forgotten that the main theme of this show was supposed to be FAMILY? NOT EVERY CHARACTER HAS TO HAVE A ROMANCE. HE ALREADY HAD DOLORES. FIVE WAS GREAT IN THE LAST THREE SEASONS AND ONE OF THOSE REASONS WAS THAT HIS MAIN MOTIVATION WAS HIS FAMILY BUT NOO IN THE LAST EPISODE LILAS LIKE “it’s done” AND HE JUST FUCKING LEAVES THE MAIN BATTLE? HELLO?? HE CARES ABOUT PEOPLE OTHER THAN HER. Season one and two Five going “but what about my family” you will always be famous so sorry you were switched out with an imposter in the six year time skip

it’s such a shame bc I actually really liked the diner scene and the concept of the new dimensional subway thing but it just got completely ruined by this shoehorned romance and the butchering of Five’s character

[mobiusmybeloved]

Alright, I have a lot of thoughts about what's happened so far in the new Only Murders in the Building season, and I just can't wait until the next episode airs to talk about it.

There are a lot of spoilers below the cut. I may have gotten a little carried away with how long this post became.

I'm gonna go through, character by character, and explain my thoughts on each of them, keeping in mind these questions:

Who doesn't have their handkerchief? Who would have had access backstage and in the Arconia? Who has the motive?

We also have to keep in mind that in the past two seasons, the killer was never painted as a suspect until the reveal. Things could be different this season, but there's no guarantee.

Let's start off with Joy, since the last episode left off painting her as the number one suspect.

Joy: So the lipstick found in Ben's dressing room that was used to write the insult belongs to Charles's girlfriend. Of course. I'm gonna start off by saying, I think it's pretty obvious that it's not her. She does have some strange vibes, but the odds of another one of Charles's lovers being the killer is too obvious and coincidental. Not to mention, she's not a part of the cast. She never had a hankie to begin with, and Charles has his so she couldn't have taken it. Now, I do think she wrote the message on the mirror. She really does seem to care about Charles, so maybe knowing about the feud he and Ben had led her to write that message as a way to stand up for him. How did she have access backstage? Well, Charles is a part of the cast, so I'm assuming he would've let her in. So my conclusion: innocent.

Loretta: There have been a few scenes/shots that are clearly meant to portray Loretta as a suspicious person. We did get to see a lot of her backstory as a struggling actor, and she's finally made her big break. Maybe there's something we don't know about her past, maybe Ben took a role from her, or got her fired from a job the way Charles did to Ben. Does she have her hankie? Unclear, if I'm remembering correctly. To me, she seems like a sweet person, but there is definitely something we don't know about her. Is that thing the fact that she is the killer? I personally don't think so, once again going to the fact that we've already had the plot where one of the guys' girlfriends is the killer. My conclusion is a little more unclear this time, but I still think: innocent.

Kimber: A lot has happened with Kimber in the last few episodes, and I have a lot to unpack with this one. Most importantly, Kimber doesn't have her hankie. There is reason to believe that there was something going on between her and Ben, whether romantic or not. In this last episode, she talked about the serum that Ben used and how he used it on opening night. That would be an easy way to administer the poison. But how did she get into the Arconia? Well, right before Ben's death, they had the party at Oliver's, right? She could've stayed in the building after. With her most recent scene in the last episode, she seemed clueless as to what might actually be going on. She was casually talking with Mabel, explaining how she wanted Ben to promote the products for her (which is a potential motive!), and stuff like that. But we have to remember: she is an actor. She has the ability to pretend to be someone she's not, so I'd assume she has the ability to lie pretty well. Although, there have been some shots that do paint her as a suspect of sorts, which we know is something they haven't done with the killers in previous seasons. Still, that is not enough to rule her out with the evidence presented. My conclusion: suspect.

Jonathan: The understudy. Classic. Does he have his hankie? Unsure. Charles did say that Kimber was the only one to not give her hankie, so we might be able to assume that everyone else does. Like Kimber, anyone who was at the party that night was in the Arconia around the time of Ben's death. He does have the obvious motive of being the understudy, the whole cliché of wanting the main part. But if the motive was as simple as that, there are a number of other things he could've done aside from murder, especially attempting it twice. And we also have to consider the fact that it is a cliché, and, at least imo, omitb is anything but cliché. We can't rule him out entirely, but I think for my personal theory, I'm going to say: innocent.

Donna: I don't have much to say about her. Her relationship with Cliff is very much giving Lucille and Buster from Arrested Development. My initial thought was that she wouldn't want to sabotage a play that she had already put so much into, especially one that was meant to kickstart her son's career. Now, I doubt that she would have killed Ben right as the money was going to start rolling in with all the shows beginning to sell tickets. What I do believe to be a possibility, however, is that we've seen how she acts with Cliff. She is clearly wayyy too attached to him, so maybe she panicked when she realized the success of Oliver's play might mean that her son begins to make a name for himself and no longer needs her. Now, is that enough for murder? Once again, I believe there are plenty of other options she could've gone with if this is the case. Although, she is clearly mentally unwell, going off the way she acts with her son, so maybe murder is something she'd be capable of. But is it enough? My conclusion: suspect.

Cliff: I don't have much to say about him either. Something definitely seems off, and with the mother being a suspect, he would seem more unlikely. Although, in the last season, we had another "sidekick of a duo" turn out to be our killer, so that makes me want to stray from this theory. But we still have to consider it. This would be his big break if the play goes well. He could finally break free from his mother and start to make a name for himself. Maybe that's something he wants, maybe not. If he is as attached to his mother as she is to him, which it seems he might be, maybe he is the one who panicked and tried to stop the show's success. Maybe they're working together. Although I will say, his enthusiasm with Oliver's new idea, standing up and saying they'll do it, makes me believe it is not him. My conclusion: innocent.

Dickie: Ben's brother and assistant. This would be the obvious choice, wouldn't it? The brother, always overshadowed by his successful sibling, always in the shadows rather than the spotlight, where he wants to be. He becomes so frustrated that he ends up killing him. Would make sense, right? And maybe he had a hankie we don't know about. He hasn't been around the cast as much now that Ben is dead, except for offering Loretta the part to that show. Maybe there were nefarious reasons behind that, maybe not. But what makes me believe it isn't him is the way he was acting in Ben's apartment. He didn't know that Mabel and Tobert were hiding in the closet, so that was a pure, honest reaction. Or maybe the poisoning and elevator incident were separate. Mabel did ask if there was foam around Ben's mouth, as that would indicate poison, and I don't know about y'all, but I didn't see any. Maybe that was some random medical issue of sorts, or maybe he was poisoned and the person gave up after the first attempt. Where I'm going with this is, if the two were separate incidents, maybe what happened at the elevator was that he and Ben got into a fight where he ended up pushing him down the elevator shaft. That could be why he's so upset in the apartment. Mad at himself but also mad at Ben for maybe causing an argument that led him to get physically violent like that. Whatever the case, my theory is: suspect.

Tobert: Tobert wasn't very involved this season until we got to that scene in Ben's apartment. Maybe the real reason he was looking for that tape is because he was the one in the room and wanted to destroy the evidence. But then I think he'd be more hesitant to watch it with Mabel. Or maybe he knew the person who was in there and also wanted to destroy the evidence. But once again, Mabel. I think he genuinely wanted to know what the tapes caught and is friend rather than foe. Might need to go deeper into my theories about him later, but, for now: innocent.

Howard: I'm just gonna say it. I don't think our beloved sweater-and-cat-loving man did it. Yes, maybe he felt overshadowed as an assistant. Maybe he was jealous that he didn't get the main part and was immediately made crew instead. But I don't think he's capable of murder, even after everything that's happened. Conclusion: innocent.

Bobo: Not much to say about him. The only possible motive might be the way Ben mocked him, but that doesn't seem like enough to want to kill him unless there's more we don't know about. Conclusion: innocent.

Ty: We haven't seen much of Ty, so I don't have much to go on. I'm gonna say, until we know more, innocent.

K.T.: She always seems to be in a bad mood, always very done with everyone. And we don't know that much about her. Something definitely seems off about her, and I think if any of the lesser shown characters turn out to be the killer, it might be her. Although, with the negative light that they've portrayed her in, it also seems like she'd be a bit too obvious of a choice. First and only time saying this in this post: inconclusive.

The main three obviously aren't suspects, at least in my book. Though wouldn't that be crazy haha....

There's some more we have to think about. In the shots of the corkboard that we see, there are multiple crew members with no names listed. I doubt it's any of them since we've barely seen them, but we can't rule them out entirely. Someone could have taken Kimber's hankie to frame her, which is why she doesn't remember how she got rid of it. Who knows, maybe Joy was having an affair with Ben and that's why her lipstick was there. Then he broke up with her that night, so she wrote on the mirror then tried to kill him. There's so much to consider here, but I wanted to get out some of my thoughts.

Who am I placing a bet on? For now, I'm gonna say Dickie. I think they're separate incidents, and the first was maybe a poisoning or medical issue. If poisoning, who tried to kill him then? But I think Dickie was definitely the one to push him down the elevator. But we'll see. Please feel free to reply with your thoughts as well, I want to see how other people view this.

[bathsaltsmcgee]

My thoughts on HH and some other stuff, too

Wow, y'all. Just... just Wow.

Okay, first off, I just wanted to say that I am absolutely blown away by the sheer amount and scope of all the attention that I've gotten this past week or so regarding my story BtM. I was truly not expecting that, and for my readership to explode exponentially since the last time I posted, it's amazing to me the number of followers I've gained, the people who've stopped by to say hello, the messages, the comments, the subscriptions and favorites, the everything else, and I just wanted to say thank you.

Reading everyone's reactions and seeing them get so excited and hyped up about something that I truly care about really makes writing worth it.

So, I'm thrilled that everyone's having so much fun. :D I know I am!

Anyway, I've had a couple people reach out to me, requesting my thoughts regarding the first season of Hazbin Hotel, and I thought to myself, 'Oh, why not?'

So, here we are.

Overall, I greatly enjoyed it. The animation was crisp and pretty to look at, the songs were absolute bops, as was the background soundtrack, the overarching narrative was interesting, and the characters, barring a few notable exceptions here and there- *cough* icky moth man who needs squished flat with a metal cleat and the world's first grandiose malignant narcissist- were quite enjoyable.

They were all well written, of course, but, good Lord, some of them were just truly heinous people.

I think, out of that of all of the new characters to which we were introduced in the series that didn't hold speaking roles in the pilot, I think my favorite was a tie between Rosie and Emily. Rosie was exactly who I hoped she'd be, Dolly Levi with a dash of Mary Poppins- she even gave out her business card to that one cannibal lady like Dolly did all the time in 'Hello Dolly'- and Emily was such an adorable little bean. We need more of both those ladies in the future.

The biggest surprise out of the whole show for me, though, was finding out that the hotel actually worked. I genuinely was not expecting that, and I suspect that the exercises that Charlie was making everyone do didn't really do that much, but the situations in which the characters found themselves and how they chose to react to those situations because of their experiences at the hotel were what really clinched it in the end.

I'm very proud of Pen, though. Good for you, man. Goin' out like a champ and getting into Heaven by total accident. Well done.

Mind you, I did have a few gripes here and there, such as the rushed nature of the pacing, but I doubt that I'm alone in that particular camp. The pacing of the overarching narrative was a bit rushed for my taste, and when I'm watching a show, I would prefer not to feel at the end of it like I was in the middle of a caffeine bender.

If I'm going to do that, I'll drink two pots of coffee, follow it up with a latte, and see where it goes from there.

It was almost like deciding to make soup, but not adding any water to the condensed can, so it ended up way too thick and not nearly as smooth as it could've been, had the water been included.

Had they taken the same amount of plot and spread it out over twelve episodes, instead of just eight, it would've been a bit more evenly balanced, and we might have gotten more character moments and interactions to really sell the growing bonds between the main cast, which would've made the other narrative points that much more powerful, such as Pen's noble sacrifice.

However, the number of episodes was probably down to studio constraints and the bigwigs decision to keep the series compressed because money, so I won't hold that against the production team.

That's just business. It happens. No big deal.

So, all in all, it was a fun little romp. Alastor is still my favorite character, because he's just so interesting and multifaceted, and by the end of the season, I had far more questions about him than I did answers.

This is a good thing, though.

I'd be disappointed if he were too easy a character to read.

There's a lot going on there with him, and his morality is too grey and muddled with far too many unknown factors to make a definitive take on him just yet. I still think that my initial understanding of him is on the right track, such as his MO, but I am curious to see where this goes in the official narrative.

So, yes, I will be staying tuned for the next season.

However... just curious here.

Are we really going to have to wait another two years for the next season?!

Because I heard a rumor circulating that that was the case, and I'm kind of hoping that's not accurate.

[darkdisrepair]

cr3e45 meta: the witches, fcg, and ludinus

HERE WE ARE the meta as promised. i will preface this by saying i had a wacky dream last night where laudna and imogen held hands the entire rest of the episode so do with that what you will

of course i usually center the discussion around imogen but we'll also be looking at a few other things too!

topics: fcg, imogen, and humanity | fearne and imogen | laudna and imogen

fcg, imogen, and humanity

one of the best parts of the episode was fcg being able to gain some understanding of his origins- that he was meant to be a harmonious automaton at first, and then was later changed to be more violent

i think fcg needed that comfort, in knowing he wasn't "bred" to kill. i think that's something that's been weighing on them for a while, especially because the BIG moments in their backstory were about hurting their friends-

because it's easy to forget all the good things you do, when a lot of it is bad. fcg forgets that he brought fearne back to life, who then saved orym. they have walked through imogen's dreams with her, as a comfort.

they have done so many good things- and yet it took an academic, with that strength of knowledge, to convince fcg of what imogen in particular has been trying to tell them all along:

everyone has the chance to be good. your past doesn't mean anything, because it can't change- but your present can.

it's harder to accept that you do have control. it's easier to let things happen to you, let other people "tell" you what to think or to do- but really living means that you embrace that burden knowing that's what life means. to choose, and to make mistakes, and to take ownership of that.

it's a beautiful message. and for the professor to tell fcg that he was beautiful, and unique- fcg has only ever been a spectacle to most people. but to be told- i see you, and you are wonderful even though you are flawed- ugh.

just so good. so, so good.

and what's particularly striking in this episode is how starkly it's opposed by the other knowledge the group gains:

that the exaltants, and the ruidusborn, really don't have very much control. no matter what they choose, it seems that their path toward ruidus is inevitable.

pushing forward- choosing to learn, to grow- only results in studies that can't continue because the ethics are shady, of otohan going rogue because she wants to know more, of liliana running away from her daughter-

where fcg's journey with being human is learning to find the way into the light- imogen is learning what it means to be human, and hurt no matter how hard you try not to be.

and that's just such a heartbreaking path to be on- because where is the hope for her? where along this journey is she going to get any information that doesn't feel like a horrible revelation?

yes, she's an exaltant- which is something so unique and special- but the source of all her recent anguish- otohan, and by extension her mother- are both exaltants too.

she keeps getting pushed and pushed into all this anger and explosive power and dreams she can't control and god it's so devastating. she wants so badly to be loved, and learn what it means to know herself and love herself- just like fcg- but ever since she got her powers, really, she's been hurt by her own mind, her own body, her own family.

fearne and imogen

three cheers for ashley johnson, for this episode and the last of us and just the queen she is-

but specifically, in this episode i got the confirmation that i've been suspecting- that fearne is really also trying to lean into what it means to feel, and to experience things outside the feywild, by helping her friends.

she has been so beautifully in tune with laudna and imogen, specifically, and part of it might be guilt but also part of it is i think she's coming into her own, and realizing what it means to love people, and care about them.

she's so, so smart. ashley, and fearne, that is- pushing the envelope with ludinus, trying to get the answers that they want, in her own fey way, innocent and so smart.

and when ludinus leaves- she's so in tune with imogen's emotions. the "are you okays" were so gentle and just so aware in a way that fearne in the first 20-30 episodes would never have been. asking imogen repeatedly even though she said yes the first time-

because imogen isn't okay, and fearne is starting to pick up on that. she's already been trying to get imogen to talk about her new powers, but i think witnessing imogen being taunted by ludinus, hearing liliana's name, seeing the answers to imogen's dreams (and their joint identity of being ruidusborn) being whisked away and being unable to do anything-

she knows. she knows that it hurts because hasn't she felt this before, too? her parents, betraying her in many ways? doesn't she know the anger, and the devastation, of finding out that you, their child, doesn't mean anything compared to the grand schemes that your parents are up to?

and it had been imogen, then, that told her it was alright to be angry, to be mean and rude-

and now, i feel like fearne is returning that grace that imogen gave her, but in her own way- it's okay to fall apart. it's okay to be sad and grieve the life you wanted.

i'm so glad that they're both building connections outside of their original connections- fearne and imogen, laudna and fcg.

laudna and imogen

this will be briefer but i loved the moments of protectiveness we got from laudna. we got traces of it earlier with silvery barbs in the previous episodes but imogen and laudna care so much about each other.

it's good to see that, even without talking, they haven't stopped paying attention to each other. it goes to show- you can be friends with someone without talking to them all the time. you can process your shared trauma separately, without that meaning you don't care.

i think they're starting to be ready to talk about it together. there have been glimpses, i think, where laudna has started to realize that you can get secondary trauma by being in someone else's, and i think that's a good realization for both of them.

and she seems ready to talk? at least i think so? and i think time at grandma's house (though unsettling) seems like it will be a great opportunity for a slow down in the story, at least kind of.

OH AND: the "did he do anything to you?" and "no, he just talked"- but i think with imogen, words have always hurt so much more than physical pain.

the knowledge- "she was right, you do look like your mother."

is so much worse. otohan and liliana. liliana and otohan. coworkers, at the minimum, test subjects together- what else is there?

i think this campaign NEEDS a pause, pacing wise, for the characters' sanities. i think imogen in particular (and not even just because she's my favorite) needs time to process things- because if she doesn't i can really see it getting into dangerous mental health territory for her. which i will probably talk about in another meta ;)

if you've made it this far i commend you for that- i'm sorry for the word vomit!