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serendipitous-magic · 3 years

Note

What is your writing advice for young people who want to write fanfiction and original stories in the near future?

If this is just Way Too Much, skip to the end (#16). My most important piece of advice is there. I also happen to think #5 is pretty good.

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1) Literally just write. Write whatever you want, and do a lot of it.

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2) You don’t have to post everything. In fact you don’t have to post anything. You can, don’t get me wrong, but it can be intimidating to sit down and think “I will now write something that other people will see and read and judge with their eyeballs.” Because that’s probably gonna lead to nerves and writer's block. Just write down the ideas that you have, the things you want to write, whatever’s in your brain that you want to explore and expand upon and make into something. And then if you want to, share it. Or don’t share it. I have plenty of half-baked ideas and documents and random story chapters and shit hidden away on my Google Drive that will never see the light of day, for a whole number of reasons. I wanted to write it but it wasn’t ~Spicy~ enough to warrant posting, or it’s only like an eighth of a good idea, or it’s like one scene with no story around it, or it’s just something incredibly self-indulgent I just wanted to write for my own enjoyment.

Point being, don’t write for other people. Don’t write so that other people can read it; write what you want, write for yourself, and then if you want to share it, do.

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3) You can pretty much ignore any and all of these for fanfiction. In fact, you can ignore pretty much any rules or guidelines you want for fanfiction. Fanfic is a sandbox. You don’t have to be a “professional writer” to post fic. No one expects you to be Stephen King or Margaret Atwood. Fanfic is just for playing in a fandom and having fun. If you wanna write a 50 chapter slow burn with very little plot aside from the OTP slowly getting to know each other, and no real stakes or central conflict, I guarantee people would read that. Really, fanfiction is the Old West of writing: lawless, wild, unpredictable, and free.

However, here are the rules you must follow:

-Separate your paragraphs. (I’m sure you know this already, but I’m gonna say it anyway just in case.) Do not post one big block of text. Make a paragraph break when someone new is talking, when the characters are in a new place, when a new event occurs that changes the scene, when a chunk of time has passed, and when there’s a major change in subject.

-I know it’s obvious, but... grammar, punctuation, and capitalization. They exist to make writing easy for readers to read, and more people will read your stuff if they don’t have to stop and try to figure out what you meant.

-Use tags and labels, as is possible with whatever site you’re using. Especially if you include possibly triggering content in your story. Again, I know it’s obvious, but it’s common courtesy. Bonus: tagging the themes and content of your story helps readers find it and read it :)

-If possible, limit the use of all-caps and exclamation marks / question marks. 99% of the time, one ! or one ? will do. If you overload the page with a lot of all-caps and long rows of exclamation marks or question marks, it hampers readability.

... That’s literally all I can think of. And, like I said, it’s all pretty basic stuff. You were probably rolling your eyes like, “Uh, yeah, Gwen, I know.” But that’s literally it. You can pretty much do whatever you want in fanfic.

That being said, here’s my advice for both fanfiction and original work...

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4) A quick and dirty rule for coming up with a plot, starting a story, keeping up pacing, or maintaining tension: figure out what dreams, desires, and goals are nearest and dearest to your main character’s heart (see #16). Then set up the main conflict to be directly in opposition to that goal. It doesn’t have to be in a tangible way, though it could be. But, if your main character wants more than anything to reach the ships on the southern coast of your world and sail to a new life, make sure the main conflict immediately prevents them from doing that - in fact, make sure to send them north. If your main character just wants to keep their loved ones safe, kidnap the loved ones. If your main character just wants to date their best-friend-turned-crush, make sure they think they have no chance - or, make them cocky about it, and make sure it makes Person B determined not to ever like them. You get it. Figure out what your character most wants, and then keep them from having that. Boom - your conflict now ties in with your character's motivation. It's like instant yeast for plots.

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5) If you’re anything like me, you want your first draft to be Good, despite all that advice about how the first draft doesn’t have to be good and it’s just to get words on the page, yadda yadda. And if you’re somewhat of a perfectionist (like myself), it’s easy to get stuck looking at a blank page because you don’t have The Perfect Words, and you want what you write to be Good the first time.

Here’s how I cheat that:

Instead of trying to write a Good First Draft from a blank page, hit the enter key a few times, skip a little down on the page, change your ink to red (or blue, or whatever - just something immediately identifiable as Not Black) and just thought vomit. Write whatever the hell you’re thinking, exactly as you think it. Don’t worry about it being readable, don’t worry about narrative flow for now, don’t worry about covering all the details, don’t worry about anything except either a) getting all the details of your idea out onto the page, whether that’s a lot or whether it’s just a sentence or two, or b) if you don’t have an idea yet, finding your way there.

Because this method is also very good for finding your way to ideas when you’re stuck in writer’s block.

Because of how human brains work, getting this stuff out onto the page - in all its messy, stream-of-consciousness glory - will likely spark more thoughts. As you write your original idea about the scene, it’ll likely spark more ideas. Creation begets creation. If you just start thought-vomiting your ideas onto the page, chances are you’ll think of more things as you go, and you’ll start filling out description or dialogue or tone or action or whatever, and pretty soon the scene starts writing itself.

Not sure where you’re going with the scene or which ideas you wanna use? Use a lot of ambivalent language in your “thought-vomit draft.” My pre-writing notes are chock-full of the words “maybe,” “perhaps,” and the phrases, “At some point...” and “...or something like that.” In this way, I don’t tie myself down to one idea; it’s just an idea, and I’m keeping it on the page in case I use it, but I might chuck it in the trash or change it or whatever.

And then, once your ideas for the scene (or story, or chapter, or whatever) are on the page, then go back to the top and start translating them into a “real” first draft. Use black ink, and start copy-pasting chunks of the thought-vomit up into the top part of the document and translating them into Draft 1. Separate out paragraphs where paragraph breaks should be. Add the correct punctuation and whatnot. Change “describe the lobby here - include potted plants, fancy carpet, blood stain, etc.” into an actual description of the lobby. Flesh it out, or condense, or whatever it needs. And if you’re still stuck, change back to red ink and ramble some more until you find a path that feels right, then plug that in. This keeps you from looking at a blank page, and it allows you to generate a kind of Draft 0.5, somewhere between a plan and a first draft.

You don’t have to use every idea. Like I said, jot down whatever comes to mind, put a “maybe” before or after it, and keep working. If the idea grabs you and you wanna keep expanding on it and exploring it, cool. If you just wanna jot it down so you don’t forget it and then move on, also cool. Red-ink draft / “thought-vomit draft” is your time to jump around in the timeline, add or finesse details at whatever point your brain moves to, etc. Don’t try to do it exactly in story order, because you will get tangential thoughts and ideas, and you will not remember to write them down five pages later when you finally get to taking notes on that scene. Trust me. On that note...

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6) Write everything down the moment you think of it. Seriously.

“I’ll remember it when I get around to writing that scene in a couple days / weeks / months (/years).”

You won’t.

Write it down.

Phone, journal, google docs - hell, my family regularly laughs at me for grabbing a napkin during dinner and scribbling thoughts down alongside pasta sauce stains.

And then, once you have it written down somewhere...

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7) Consolidate your writing ideas in one place.

Maybe this isn’t really your style, and that’s totally chill.

Buuuut, if you’re Type-A like me - or if you tend to be somewhat unorganized and you know you’ll lose track of your writing notes if they’re scattered across multiple notebooks, journals, napkins, phone notes, etc. - having one consolidated document of notes is a life saver. I keep mine on Google Docs so I can access it, add to it, and look through it for inspiration anywhere at any time. When I have one of those Shower Thoughts that I jot down on my phone or on a napkin during dinner, I set myself a reminder on my phone to type it up in my Story Ideas document later.

(Or, if the idea I had was for a story of mine that I’ve already started planning / drafting / whatever, I put it in the document for that story instead of the Big Random Story Ideas doc. You get it.)

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8) Have other ways to collect and save writing ideas, besides just writing stuff down. If you like Pinterest, make pinterest boards of your characters or stories or settings or whatever. If you’re big into playlists, make a playlist for your character / setting / story / etc. Or both. Or something else. I’m not good at drawing, but maybe you are, and maybe you like to draw your ideas. Whatever form it takes, having another way to save ideas and think about your stories is invaluable.

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9) Some writers can just start writing with no idea where the story is going, and they just kind of figure it out as they go. I envy those writers. And I do that sometimes for fanfiction, where the stakes are somewhat lower and the audience is reading more for scene-to-scene enjoyment (and to see their OTP kiss) than for a Driving And Compelling Narrative.

But here’s the thing: especially if you’re just kind of starting out, writing without some sort of plan is really, really hard, and will likely lead you into a slow, meandering narrative that will likely frustrate you.

Even if you think you’re someone that just can’t write with a plan (and again, I have the highest respect for pansters out there - I don’t know how you do it, you crazy bastards, but you keep doing you) - even if you think “I can’t work with plans, they’re too prescriptive, I just want to write and see what happens -”

Try at least making the most skeletal of plans.

Even if you have no clue what 90% of the story is, yet. That’s fine. But you need to have some idea of what you’re building to, even if that’s nothing more specific than a feeling, or a turning point for your character. Even if your entire plan for everything beyond Chapter 1 is, “At some point, Charlie needs to realize that Ed was lying to her.”

This is where those Draft 0.5 notes come in handy. Because, more than likely, working on your current scene that way will spark ideas for later scenes, which you can put down at the bottom of the document and save for when they become relevant. In my experience, the line between planning ahead and making a Draft 0.5 is exceptionally thin. One can quickly turn into the other.

If you’re really, really resistant to the idea of planning ahead, that’s okay. It’s not everybody’s style. But for the love of all that is holy, write down your ideas for future scenes, even if you’re a person that doesn’t like to plan and writes only in story order, because you will not remember that idea once you get to that scene.

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10) You don’t have to write in order.

Here’s the thing: I’m a person that can only do my Draft 1 in story order (meaning, chronological order). I just have to be in that flow; I need to write in story order for me to best channel where the character is at from scene to scene, both narratively and emotionally.

But my Thought Vomit Draft is another thing entirely. By using the brain hack of putting my notes in red (or another color, it doesn’t matter) and going down to the bottom of the document / page and taking notes there, and then integrating them into whatever plan I have, and then translating them into Draft 1 once I get there in the story - by doing that, I can get my good ideas onto the page (and expound upon them and let my muse carry me and ride that momentum while I’m in the moment of inspiration) without writing out of order.

Maybe that’s just me. But if you’re a person who really prefers to write in story order, that could be hugely helpful to you. It is to me.

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11) Emotion and motivation will do more for your story than technicalities of plot.

If your characters really care about something, and their journey through the (shaky or weak) plot is emotionally engaging, it will be a much more compelling story than a story with a “perfect” plot and unrelatable or unmotivated characters.

If your characters care about what they’re doing, and it means something to them, and their goals and actions are driven by dreams or fears or emotions that are integral to who they are, your audience will care too. If you have a perfectly crafted plot that hits all the right beats and has high stakes and fast pacing and drama - but your characters don’t connect with what’s happening in a way that’s deeply meaningful or emotional for them? You’re gonna have a hard time engaging readers.

When in doubt, prioritize character emotion and motivation over plot. Emotion is what drives story.

This power is highly exploitable. (Just look at pulp novels and shitty but entertaining movies.) You can even use it to glaze over plot holes or reinvigorate a limp narrative. Use it that way sparingly, though. It’s a band-aid, not a surgery.

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12) Evil villains are hard to write - mostly because there are very few truly evil people in the world. (There are a few. Billionaires and several big name politicians come to mind.) But by and large, there aren’t that many evil people. There are plenty of bad people, but bad people have some good in them, somewhere in there. Trying to write an evil villain is hard, because they often turn very cartoony.

Here’s a tip: it’s much easier to write antagonists who aren’t evil. Even if they’re bad people. Of course, there’s no reason you can’t write a villain that’s just truly evil - a serial killer, or an abuser, or a billionaire, or someone who legit just wants to hurt people or blow up the earth or stay in control of an oppressed population, or whatever. But chances are, it’s gonna be really hard to make them feel real, and even harder to create a plot around them that doesn’t feel forced or contrived.

Instead, try writing an antagonist / villain whose motivations and goals directly clash with your protagonist’s - but not because they want to take over the world or see people suffer. Write an antagonist who’s chaotic good, but whose perception of the situation is completely opposite from your hero’s. Write an antagonist whose only desire is to save people, and who will do anything to achieve that goal - anything. Write an antagonist who believes in the letter of the law, and will hinder and oppose the hero’s methods even if they agree with the hero’s motivation. Write an antagonist who got in way over their head and did some things they regret, and now they don’t know how to get out, and they’re doing their best but whatever they set in motion is too powerful for them to stop now.

Write villains who are human. Write a killer who thought they were doing the right thing by taking their victim out of the equation, who vomits at the sight of the body and sobs over the grave they dig. Write a government leader who truly believes she’s doing what’s best for her people in the long-term, even if it might hurt them in the short term, and is willing to endure the hatred and belligerence of the masses if it means securing what she thinks is a better future for her people. Write a teenage bully that thinks they’re the one being picked on by the world, and they’re just fighting back, standing their ground. Write a scientist who will break any code of ethics and hurt anyone he needs to - in order to bring back his baby sister from the grave, because he promised her he’d protect her and he failed. Write an antagonist who is selfish and self-centered and capricious - because in order to survive they had to look out for Number One, and that habit ain’t about to break anytime soon.

Write villains who aren’t even villains. Write antagonists who oppose the hero because of moral differences. Write antagonists who are trying to do the right thing. Write antagonists who treat the heroes with kindness and dignity and respect and gentleness.

They don’t have to be good. They don’t have to be Misunderstood Sweethearts who “deserve” a redemption arc. They can be cruel and nasty and dismissive and callous and violent and etc. etc.

Just hesitate before you make them Evil-with-a-capital-E. Because evil is hard to write, and honestly, boring to read. Flawed human beings with goals and motivations that directly oppose the main characters’ are much easier to write and much more interesting to read.

Ask why. Why is your villain trying to take over the world? What does that even mean? Are they trying to create a Star-Trek-like post-capitalism utopia, but they know that won’t happen in a million lifetimes, so they’re trying to do it by force? Are they actually super in favor of human rights, but they got very impatient waiting for the world to do anything about poverty and war, so they decided to take it into their own hands? Are they determined to fix the world - no matter the cost? Are they terrified and overwhelmed, but committed to see it through to the end? Or - maybe they’re just doing it on a dare. Maybe they don’t really give a shit about world domination, they were just a mediocre rich white guy who decided to fuck around and find out, and now he’s kind of curious how far he can take this thing. And now he’s kind of an internationally-wanted criminal, so he’s kind of stuck living on his hidden private island in his multi-billion dollar secret base, strapping lasers to sharks’ heads for the hell of it. Gross, selfish, uncaring, and dangerous? For sure. Evil? Depends on your definition. See, now we’re getting somewhere.

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13) It’s tempting to let the plot control the characters. It’s easy to drop your characters into a situation and see how they react. But here’s the thing: that doesn’t drive plot. In fact, it bogs down pacing. Instead, try to build you plot off of your characters’ actions and decisions. Let your character build their own situation. Not to say it should go they way they wanted it to go; in fact, usually, their grand plans should go to hell very quickly. But having the characters take action and make decisions, and letting the plot develop based on that, is much easier to make compelling than making a rigid series of events and then trying to herd your characters into them.

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14) Having trouble justifying a character’s actions? Consider having them make the opposite decision, or having them approach the situation in a different way. For example: you need your character to go meet the bad guy, for plot reasons, even though there’s no way it’s not a trap. If the character goes, readers are gonna be groaning with their head in their hands, because c’mon man, that was really fucking stupid. But he’s gotta go, because the plot needs that. Two ways you might handle this: a) He knows it’s probably a trap. He decides not to go. The plot conspires to get him near the villain anyway. Or, b) He knows it’s a trap. But he needs to go, for (insert reasons here). So, he approaches it in an unexpected way. He brings backup, recruiting a side character we met earlier in the story. Or he arrives on the back of a dragon, because ain’t nobody gonna fuck with a dude on a dragon. Or he goes - early, and ambushes the villain. It may work, it may not. He may get himself kidnapped anyway. But it moves the plot along without having Stupid Hero Syndrome.

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15) This is a legit piece of advice: if all of this sounds overwhelming, literally just ignore it and write what you want. For real. Writing should be fun, and every single writer operates differently. If you’re sitting here like “I’m getting stressed just reading this,” just flip me a good-natured bird and get on with your life. I promise I won’t take it personally. Same goes for literally any other writing advice you see. Lots of rules and guidelines can very quickly make anything thoroughly un-fun. Just write. If you’re passionate about it and you do it for long enough, you’ll start figuring out the tips and tricks on your own.

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16) Here’s the best piece of advice I can give you: know your characters. More importantly, know what’s important to them. Build their personality and decisions off of that, and build your plot off of their decisions.

I see a lot of character building sheets that ask a shit-ton of questions like “What’s their most prized possession?” “Do they like their family?” “What’s their favorite food?”

And while these are good questions, my problem with this type of character building is that if you start there, with the little stuff, you’re building on nothing. IMO, to make a truly strong character (not strong like Inner Strength, strong like effective), you need a strong foundation.

Here are the things you must know about your character:

a) What are their greatest fears / deepest insecurities? And I don’t mean “wasps” or “heights.” I mean the deep shit. I mean fears like “living a meaningless life,” or “turning out just like their parents,” or “that no one will ever love them,” or “being powerless.” You may say, “But they’re really scared of wasps! They fall into a wasp nest when they were little and got stung so much they almost died!” Great! That’s a fantastic bit of backstory. They should absolutely be afraid of wasps, and that should absolutely be an impediment later in the story. But dig deeper. What about that event actually scarred them? Was it the helplessness? Stumbling around, swatting at the air, not being able to do a single thing to stop what was happening to them? Was it that they were alone, and no matter how loud they screamed, no one was coming? Was it the bodily horror of feeling themself turn into an inhuman creature as they swelled up from the stings, unable to move their fingers or face normally anymore?

And don’t forget insecurities, because those factor in, too. Are they deeply insecure about their identity? Do they believe, deep down, that they’re ugly? Did they grow up poor and they’ve always been really touchy about that? Why? Dig deep. Figure out what really, really bothers them.

b) What are their hopes and dreams? What do they truly want out of life? What do they consider the most valuable to their experience here in this thing called life? Is it the freedom to forge their own path and be independent? Is it the approval of their family or peers? Is it a home? Is it knowledge, or understanding? Spiritual fulfillment? Is it deeply important to them that they contribute to their community, or protect those they love? What do they need in order to feel truly and deeply fulfilled in life?

Figure out those two things (each one encompasses several things, btw, you don’t have to stop at just one for each), and then use that to inform how they behave and the types of decisions they make within the story.

It also informs character behavior and personality.

Let’s say we have a character who’s afraid of helplessness. They’re probably gonna be the person that always wants to do something, try something, no matter how hopeless the situation seems. They’d despise just sitting and waiting, probably, because it makes them feel powerless. They might even be the person that makes rash decisions and acts impulsively and puts themself in danger unnecessarily, because in their mind it’s better than being at the mercy of fate. This is one way you could use a character’s personality to inform their decisions, which in turn helps to inform plot.

Or, let’s say we have a character whose greatest fear is being left behind or forgotten. We may have a chatterbox on our hands. They might be obnoxious. They might love the spotlight, constantly vying for attention no matter the situation, because deep down they’re so afraid that they’d be forgotten otherwise. Or, it may go the opposite way. They may be so afraid of people leaving them that they’re terrified of bothering people. They don’t want to do anything that could annoy people, anything that might give people a reason to leave them. They might be exceedingly polite, quiet, accommodating. A push-over, really.

These are two nearly opposite types of personalities, both stemming from the same core fear/insecurity. You can go a lot of different ways with it. But if you build on that strong foundation, you’ll have a strong character, and a stronger plot.

Likewise, the structure of your story can and should inform the design of these character traits. If you need your characters to team up near the end, it may be impactful if you give your main character a deep fear of commitment, an insecurity about being unwanted or left behind, and make them highly value independence and freedom. That could make their team-up for the final battle very meaningful. Conversely, you can use your character’s deepest fears and desires to help design the plot. Is your character deeply insecure about voicing their opinions or taking a stand, because of trauma they faced in the past? Make them face that. Build that into the climactic third act. Give them the big inspirational speech where they stand up and talk about what they believe to be important, what they think the group should do. And then design that character arc to run through the story, giving you more handholds and stepping stones, more pieces of foundation on which to design the plot.

In this way, character should inform story as much as story informs character. It’s a feedback loop.

Bonus: if you build your character and your plot off of each other in this way, it automatically starts to build in the foundations of that emotional investment I mentioned earlier. If your character’s decisions are based on what they most want and do not want in life, you basically have your character motivation and stakes pre-built.

Note: you need to know these things about your villain, too.

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I’m genuinely sorry about the length of this, lmao. But you did ask.

Best of luck!

Edit: I forgot an important one:

17) Start when the scene starts and end when the scene ends.

What do I mean by that?

If your notes say “Danny asks Nicole out after school and majorly flubs it,” start the scene when Danny approaches Nicole after school. Better yet, cold-open the scene on “I was wondering if, you know, you’d wanna. You know. Hang out some time?”

Don’t start that morning when Danny goes to school, unless you’re gonna cover the school day in like one or two sentences. Don’t spend whole paragraphs going through the school day, unless it’s to cover other plot points first (in which case apply these same guidelines there), or if the paragraphs are there for a specific reason, like to illustrate how stressed he is and how it seems like every little thing is going wrong. Even then, trim the fat as much as possible. Expounding and describing everything Moment-to-moment is for the meat of the scenes, not the leading-up-to and coming-away-from.

Here’s my rule of thumb: study how and when movies cut from scene to scene. Movies have exceptionally strict, limited time for storytelling; they’re excellent examples of starting a scene when the plot point starts and ending when it’s over. If you can’t picture a movie showing everything you showed, start the scene later and end it earlier.

#asks #anon #writing advice #writing tips #writing #fanfic writing #fanfiction #character creation #plot development #character development #my advice #original writing

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spacegirl-daydreams · 3 years

Text

I searched for a YouTube DJ for years and when I found him 9 years had gone by. This is the story.

If you’re a maladaptive daydreamer than you know how important your music playlist is. Around early 2009 I had gotten into underground musicians who remixed video game music on YouTube. Being still a kid and new to the online world it was exciting for me to find alternate versions of my favorite songs, and it didn’t take long for me to implicate them into my dreamworld. However there was this particular song that i considered my favorite. I could literally put myself in any situation, any scenario with it, and would be satisfied with listening on loop for long periods of time.

Back then I did have a playlist of music saved on Windows Media Player, but for some reason I didn’t download the song onto my computer. YouTube was still in its early stages back then, and having a YouTube playlist wasnt abnormal in these times. I simply just had it in my favorites. I remember onetime a teacher had got on to me for my headphones being too loud in the library. Fun times~

Fast forward it’s around October 2010, and I’m searching for the song in my playlist, but I couldn’t find it. I looked up and down for the video, but it was nowhere to be found. That’s where reality set in, the guy had deleted his channel.

I was devastated.

I never saved the video, and it was never uploaded again from any other channel. Ever so often I would check to see if he would make a return, but he never did. I would also check to see if anyone else might have uploaded it, but nothing.

Now I have to mention this point so that you may have a bit more understanding.

Back then there was a community of guys/girls who remixed music, and most of them were popular among the videogameing community. Around late 2010 a YouTube channel had appeared honoring those musicians for their hard work, and awesome tracks. This channel would post their work (with permission I think) to this channel. I started to reach out to the channel, and other musicians who were affiliated with the guy. I was concerned because he was rather popular, and everyone seemed to like him.

None of them knew who I was talking about. It was as if he had vanished and everyone forgot about him. After not finding anything on his whereabouts I sort of just gave up, but through out the years I would remember the song and try to find him yet again.

I did it all.. (I’m embarrassed to share this) I used multiple search engines. (Bing, Yahoo, Google) you name it.

Searched the song, his channel name, and little bits of information would pop up. I would find old instant messenger accounts, old social media platforms he long deserted etc. It was always the same thing for years. I know at this point it seems like I was an obsessed stalker, but I didn’t want to cause him any harm or distress, I was just a concerned fan who couldn’t accept the fact that he vanished. It was like interacting with him, and his music created a safe space in my life for happiness, and when I lost it.. it was like a piece of that was ripped away from me.

I’ve already wrote a lot so I will try to wrap it up the best way I can. So around 2019 I was bored and surfing the web, and decided I would give it another go just for the heck of it. I didn’t mention this earlier, but the guy was asain, and I’m only mentioning it because that was the key to finding him.

Despite all the years of searching on google for his channel I had came across an asain site that for some reason had YouTube’s videos on it. There I found a video of his friend, which lead to me finding the friend’s YT channel. The videos were old and outdated, but at the time this particular DJ was trying to get his music known. I found videos of him and his friend just being silly and dancing.

—— Under this is where I start to feel really awkward sharing this with you guys. ——

I start looking at the comments hoping to find something of his, but I didn’t see anything. I had gave up on looking, but ended up subscribing to the channel just in case I wanted to try again. A few days later something told me to check the other videos, and that’s where I saw it.

The guy had an old comment on one of the videos from a new channel. I clicked it and found out that the guy actually never left YouTube.. he had just left the community. None of his old videos were on the channel, so of course that song wasn’t there. I was excited that I had found him, and decided to send him a comment on one of his videos.

I asked him if he was *so and so* and if he was thanked him for his contribution to the music community. He actually responded and thanked me, but he wondered how I found him.

I couldn’t tell him..

I couldn’t tell him.. oh ever since I found out you deleted your channel I’ve been searching for you off and on for nine years. I seriously couldn’t believe it had been nine years since the search had begin, and I felt so embarrassed. What’s funny about it all was that it didn’t feel like nine years. So much time had gone by and I didn’t realize it. That’s the thing with maladaptive daydreaming. You lose so much time in your own reality..

My best friend at the time didn’t judge me though, and congratulated my persistence. I think that was the only incident that I was ever persistent in something. I ended up subscribing to his channel and left him alone. As I was saying before my goal wasn’t to stalk him, I just really wanted that song back.. Maybe that’s what it was all along. That piece of peace it gave. I just craved it for all those years.

I had to suck it up and finally let it go. I had to let that part of the past go. He had moved on with his life, and probably hasn’t thought about it since then.

If you didn’t realize by now I have a hard time letting go of things that brought me joy, because I have a deep fear that I won’t find happiness anywhere else. I’m working on it though. It’s been a tough 2 years, but I’m making progress.

Sorry for the wall of text, I just felt that if I shared this with the community that I could get it off my chest. A weight has been lifted sort of.

Thanks for reading and if you got this far share your thoughts! Have you had a similar experience?

#story time #maladaptive daydreaming #actually madd #madd #my post #my thoughts #maladapting daydreaming disorder

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

Text

Survey #301

“i was waiting for my chance to find the light”

Did you like the beach a lot more as a kid more than you do now? Why/Why not? I did. Everything was more fun as a kid. I never REALLY loved it, though, because I did and still do hate the heat and walking through sand and getting it stuck all over you. It's pretty much torture now because I have extreme difficulty walking through sand. Has there ever been a time where you just couldn't stop crying? Explain. I know I've had days many years ago when my PTSD was truly awful where I'd sob multiple times a day. What's your least favorite time of day? Why don't you like that time?Late afternoon, like around 3-4 or so. By that point I'm usually bored senseless and going downhill. Do you like your lips? Do you enjoy kissing? They're fine, ig. And I mean yeah, if I'm really into the person? Do you like any music from the American Idols? Which ones? Ngl, I don't even remember any besides Kelly Clarkson, and who the FUCK doesn't like "Breakaway." Do you like when people challenge you? If so, in what? No, I get nervous about embarrassing myself. Personally for you, is falling for someone way beyond your control? It is entirely out of my control. What's something other than a fruit that you love in milkshakes? (Ex.twix ) Mostly chocolate stuff, haha. What is your all time FAVORITE milkshake? Ever tried the Reese's Blast from Sonic? That's some A+ shit. What's the latest you've ever stayed up reading a book? No clue. When having a peanut butter & jam sandwich, what is the best kind of jam? Grape. Do you like to write poetry? Yeah, but it's been a long time since I wrote anything. I used to do it aaall the time, but now I have to be seriously motivated and dedicated to the idea. When you get mad do you cry? Absolutely. Would you ever consider modeling? No. I do think one or two model-esque photos of myself would be nice and possibly help my self-confidence, but it's not something I'm seeking out and paying for. Are you scared of crossing bridges? Not very, no. If they're kinda sketchy-looking, I might feel a tad tense, but I'm not really scared of them. Would you consider yourself clumsy? I am unfuckingbelievably clumsy. Ever bought ice cream from an ice cream truck? Yeah, sometimes Mom would let me and my sisters do that as kids when one came through our neighborhood. Have you ever had a poem or story published? No. If you had/have a kid would you ever let them get a tattoo? If they were of the appropriate age, of course. And if they were getting it done professionally and not at some party drunk with friends. They better be in a sterile environment with someone who knows what they're doing. Do you love guinea pigs? Absolutely. I had three or four as pets when I was a kid. What is the worst thing you ever did that got you grounded? Probably run away from home. Have you ever been chased by a snake? No... and this is a misconception. Snakes don't chase. They go for what they see as the safest escape route, and sometimes they identify your own chosen direction as where they wanted to head, too. Where do you wanna work? I want to be a freelance photographer. What awards have you won? A lot of "A honor roll" trophies through school, among other academic awards. I seriously don't know what happened to that intelligence. I also have dance awards and lots of childhood sports team stuff. Would you consider yourself good at taking care of kids? I don't think I am, no. I'm way too nervous and awkward around kids. I've had to babysit for my sister twice though, and Ashley told me the kids had lots of fun and had no complaints. I guess like... I can do it, I am just very, very uncomfortable taking kids under my wing. I worry about leading them in the wrong direction. How old would a guy have to be before you wouldn't date them? I don't know, it would really depend on how much I was into the person. I generally stick with the approximation of a ten year gap though being my limit, so I think maybe him being in his mid-30s would make me feel a bit too weird. Be honest, have you ever tried weed? No, but quite honestly, I'd probably try an edible. I refuse to smoke anything for my lungs' sake. I'm curious if medical marijuana would actually be beneficial for me. Has anyone ever broken up with you with a note? No, but uh... I have, lol. It's how I broke up with my "puppy-dog love" boyfriend in middle school. Literally after he asked me if I was thinking of breaking up with him, and I said no before handing him the note because I was just too scared to do it to his face. I know, that was absolutely awful. Never, ever do that to the most innocent boy ever, kids. He didn't deserve that. Do you have sensitive teeth? Kinda. What was the worst thing you ever did to get detention/suspended? I've only ever had detention once for having too many tardies to my first class of the day in high school. We'd frequently arrive to school just a few minutes late because I was fucking impossible to drag out of bed. Have you ever suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder? Yes. Do you suffer from nasal allergies? Yes. What's your favorite kind of pudding? I only really like chocolate pudding. Have you done anything really interesting lately? I guess you could consider starting a virtual partial hospitalization program "interesting." It's not the intensive version like my first was, but rather being shorter. I just really need something to get my mental health back on the tracks. What’s the latest really fun thing you’ve done? REALLY fun? Hell if I know. I don't experience "fun" a lot at all anymore... I only ever feel like, this watered down, unenthusiastic sorry excuse for it. Have you discovered any good music lately? Oh yeah, I've found lots of 3TEETH songs I'm mad into. "ULTRAnumb" by Blue Stahli is also a total bop. How about any good new television shows? No. Or perhaps some interesting books? Nothing new, no. Have you picked up a new hobby or learned a new skill? I mean, within what timespan? Nothing lately, really. Has anybody ever done your makeup for you? Yeah. Do you own any sparkly items of clothing? No. What’s the most colorful accessory you own and use? *shrug* Do you enjoy drag artists’ work? If so, name some of your favorites. Oh yes, I have wild respect for drag queens. I don't know enough of them to have a fair favorite, but I do watch Trixie Mattel on YouTube and he is a goddamn hoot. What, right now, is the best thing in your life? Um. I don't really know. Probably the fact my mother still lets my too-big-for-the-nest ass to live with her... I don't want to picture how my life would be if I didn't have her still essentially holding my hand. What’s a place you like to go to when you need to get away for a bit? I actually love car rides for this, so long as I can ride passenger and just blare my music and not talk. It's so odd, being afraid of driving but finding great freedom and comfort in just... going. Do you like apples? I love apples. Anything exciting coming up for you in the near future? I paid the deposit for my tattoo appointment, so it was officially scheduled in May!! I was expecting an open date to be kinda far with just how amazing this parlor is, so I wasn't too shocked to hear I have to wait a few months, but man I can hardly wait. When you get an account for something, what's the first username you try? Unless it's for a "professional" site, in which case I'd use my actual name, I just about without fail with use "Ozzkat," or replace the "o" with a zero if that's somehow taken. Would you be okay with a friend wanting to date one of your exes? Which ex? What kind of accent do people typically have where you're from? Southern. Does history interest you at all? Can't say it does. What's something you wish you could do-over? There are many things, man. Is your hair in layers or is it all the same length? Neither, really. The left side of my head is very short/shaved, and as the hair goes around to the right, it gets longer. There aren't "layers," though. Is there anyone who you're afraid to be in a car with, if they're driving? I wouldn't say afraid, but with my sister's road rage and serious tail-gating issue, riding with her can make me nervous. What's something you're very good at? Um, I guess creative writing. Do you like sour gummy worms? oh FUCK yeah Would you pick up a hitchhiker if they seemed harmless? No. I am way too paranoid for that shit. Would you be bothered if your boyfriend liked to bite you? Uhhh I'm going to assume you mean this in a sexual context, in which case I don't care so long as it's not in a visible spot. How often do you get the opportunity to be completely alone? The answer used to be a shitload, and seeing as I'm in my room most of the time, I still feel like that's kind of true, but since Mom's cancer diagnosis and she had to stop working, she's usually home with me. I like it that way, though. Total isolation is bad for me. Do you have a trampoline? Nah, haven't in many years. What's your favorite Pixar movie? Finding Nemo. What is the strangest thing you've been asked? Something sexual that made me extremely uncomfortable. What’s the weirdest thing about life that people just accept as normal? The fact we put so much worth into pieces of green paper. What's the most random thing you've done out of boredom? *shrug* What show did your parents not let you watch as a kid? There weren't any specific shows that we even wanted to watch that Mom forbade us to see... I mean she certainly wouldn't let my sisters and I watch something like South Park as little kids, but none of us really sought unsuitable shows out. We were all about Disney, Nick, and Animal Planet in my case. What is the most pleasurable feeling that doesn't involve anything sexual? What comes to mind first is a big hug from someone who makes you feel safe when you don't anywhere else. What was your last "oops, wrong person" moment? I'm going to assume I sent somebody a text meant for another person. I'm super careful about avoiding stuff like this because I get horribly embarrassed, so it's difficult to recall the last time I slipped up. What do you find attractive that isn't considered "normal" attraction? Having a broad imagination and drive to create. What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done drunk? N/A What's something you really enjoy, but can't have? A pet tarantula because Mom refuses to let me lmao. I'm so into them now and desperately want a Grammastola pulchra. What Wikipedia article have you recently read? I haven't read any recently. What subject should be taught at schools, but isn't? Basic adulting and financial skills. What is the worst game you've ever played? I dunno. I've played sooooo many video games throughout my life. What tragic event was coincidentally beneficial to you? My overdose because it led to an intensive partial hospitalization program that totally changed my life. What did you think was cool when you were younger that you now think isn’t? Good question... What are your favorite or most memorable lines from any movie/show? I vaguely remember the concepts of some quotes, but not well enough to recite them. None that are seriously memorable or heavy pop up in my head now. What's a good example of 'Don't knock it till you try it'? Putting peanut butter on top of waffles with syrup. It is fucking delicious. What's your go-to get pumped up song? 5FDP's cover of "Mama Said Knock You Out" is badass HYPE. What's the dumbest thing your parents have said or done? Well, through a family assessment before my current partial hospitalization could begin, I very recently learned my dad fucking did drugs before my sisters and I were born, including shit like cocaine. That was great to suddenly learn. As for my mom... probably have a kid too young? She doesn't talk very much about her eldest daughter's history with (and without) her, but I know enough to know that was a very rocky time in her life. What are some things you wish existed? Cures for countless illnesses, and I also have SUUUUUCH a yearning for some kind of technology that could copy an image in your head onto a drawing device. If only I could draw how/what I see up there... Which person shaped you the most? Jason. Or Mom. What’s the one movie you couldn’t finish? Why? Couldn't tell you; I just haven't watched enough. What's a small thing you have a big passion for? Meerkats, quite literally with "small" lmao. What change have you made recently to help the environment? I have metal straws I try to remember to bring with me if I go out to eat. What was the hardest thing you've ever had to forgive? The way Jason left. Is there anything or anyone you're angry at, that you haven't forgiven yet? I sometimes question if I truly have forgiven Jason. I lean kinda heavily towards yes, I have, I'm just bitter about it all regardless. Have you ever plotted revenge against someone? No. Have you ever done anything to get revenge against someone? I can't think of anything off the top of my head. What is the greatest longing of your heart? To feel purpose. Who was your first love? Some guy in high school who "had" to talk to me upon seeing me the first time, only to wind up wanting to hear nothing from me later on down the line. What denomination is your church (if you go)? N/A What was the first year you voted in a presidential election? This most recent election, actually. Have you ever been afraid of the world ending? I used to worry it would happen in my lifetime, but now I don't. If it ends, it ends. I ain't got much to lose nowadays. What is unfair about your life? My mental health. My financial position. I'd rather not focus on the billion shitty things going on in my life rn, so next question. Did you write love poems when you were younger? ugh Who are you jealous of and why? There's a lot of people I'm in some way envious of, honestly. Have you ever had an account of yours hacked? Yes. Thankfully nothing major happened. Have you ever been a victim of police misconduct? No.

#survey #surveys #questions #questionnaire #lyrics: ''creatures x: to the grave'' by motionless in white

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apparitionism · 5 years

Text

Mercury 11

This is basically just one scene. It was going to be more (and this scene was going to be better), but I’m being fussy about what follows it, so I figured some content, sooner, was better than more later. (Some previous content: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, and part 10.) I was additionally having a little hiccup of trouble figuring out exactly how to start this part... but “in the middle of things” is usually a good rule, particularly when the “things” in question are important, so “in medias pie” it is!

(P.S. to anon who asked about a masterpost: That’s too much housekeeping for me. But you’ll find I’m diligent with tags, plus my tumblr has search and an archive, so you shouldn’t have to scroll too much. Also, much of my stuff can indeed be found on AO3, where I move it after posting on Tumblr, usually with copy and/or content edits, depending on what seems warranted. Thanks for asking!)

Mercury 11

“But this pie,” Myka said with her mouth full.

“Has rendered you ill-mannered and inarticulate,” Helena said. “Interesting.”

“And here I thought demolishing cars was gonna be the entertainment,” Pete added.

They all had to work hard to be heard over the soundtrack provided by the derby: the roar of engines, the sharp bang and crunch of metal colliding with metal at speed, the shouts of extremely invested spectators. Myka had been paying some attention to it before she embarked on this trip to pastry-girded key-lime paradise. She hadn’t had any idea that bliss was in fact a combination of citrus and... whatever other things it was combined with, here in this very-nearly-literal slice-of-heaven pie, but Pete was right: this had been a really educational trip.

Ida said, “This is closer to what I’d call a show.”

“Here in Wisconsin?” Pete asked.

“Anywhere. Is she always like this about pie?”

“I’ve only known her five years,” Pete said, “but I think it’s safe to go with ‘never in her life has she been like this about pie.’ Or maybe anything.”

“Well,” Helena began.

“Don’t say it,” Pete advised.

Ida temporized, “She doesn’t need to. Everyone understands innuendo. And subtext.”

Myka didn’t care, not even a little—not about the kind of show she was putting on, not about how innuendo-y and subtext-y Helena was getting with regard to what Myka might find heavenly in other contexts—as long as nobody took this miracle of a pie away.

She certainly hadn’t expected this to be the outcome when she, Helena, and Pete had taken the lengthy walk—thankfully, in their normal configuration, with Myka reclaiming her “run interference” slot between Helena and Pete—to the site of the demolition derby, some distance away from the fairgrounds proper, accompanied by what had seemed like an additional fair’s worth of people. Were these things really so popular? Maybe Pete was right, maybe “the IRS” should sponsor one in Univille. For purposes of general sociability, because for all Myka didn’t like the place, she did still care what its denizens thought of her, and if—“Bet these’re cow pastures in real life,” Pete had said, interrupting her speculation. That prompted Myka to start taking careful note of where she was placing her feet during that long walk along not a path as such, but rather through grass that had been marked at irregular intervals with spray-painted arrows.

“You’re so prissy,” Pete said.

Myka shrugged that off. “Maybe. But cows. Or rabbits. Nobody with sense in their head want to walk in anything they leave behind.”

Helena said, to Pete, “Are you as unnerved by bovines as you are by lagomorphs?”

As a dig, it seemed mild, even polite, but Pete reacted as if she’d reached across Myka and slapped him. “Leave me alone! I’m not scared of anything unless it’s freakishly huge!”

They were passing the cars’ inspection area: the same spray paint had been applied to a piece of plywood, leaning against a fence enclosing those cars, to spell “INSP AREA.” It could have meant “inspiration area,” Myka supposed, but people with clipboards had seemed to be inspecting rather than inspiring, or being inspired... she tried to think of another word that began with “insp.” Nothing came to her.

“Size-wise,” she told Pete, “the bumpers on that Sable over there must be giving you nightmares already.”

Pete looked where she’d indicated. He did a cartoon double-take. “Are those even legal? I think I just found my horse.”

“I like the Pinto next to it,” Myka said.

He scoffed, “Nobody likes a Pinto.”

“The ponies enjoyed a brief vogue when I was a girl,” Helena mused, as if to herself. “Would that the car were painted like those...it’s a shame that a pinto—and, in fact, a sable—shouldn’t resemble their namesake animals in some way.”

Myka said, “I guess we can call my Pinto a Palomino, then. The color’s why I like it.”

“That’s not a good reason,” Pete said. “Not for a demo derby.”

“It’s a great reason. Look.” Myka pointed toward a corral ringed with bleachers. “There’s a lot of mud over there, where I assume they’ll do the demolishing, right?”

Pete nodded. “Mud slows ’em down. Safer, plus it’s a better show. Upset it’s gonna be such a messy show, Miss Prissy?”

“My point is, the Pinto’s yellow, so I’ll be able to keep track of it through the muck, while it does its demo-ing. Or gets demo-ed. As I watch it happen, because I’ve got a horse—almost literally—too. Do you want me interested or not?”

He glanced at the Pinto, then looked back at Myka. “Not sure,” he said, like he thought she was trying to trick him.

“You wanted us here so bad you won it,” she reminded him.

“Mostly wanted to make you suffer.”

“Then I think your win is more of a ‘win,’ because I refuse to suffer,” Myka told him. “Not about this.”

She was holding Helena’s hand. She had been, for the entire walk, “because I didn’t get to on the Ferris wheel,” she’d said when she first reached for the contact, her voiced reason in response to Helena’s questioning did-you-not-recently-express-objection-to-public-displays eyebrow, and it was true as far as it went. But what had compelled Myka to make the small display, really, was that she’d needed something, and this was simple. Uncomplicated. Something to bank against whatever was going to happen later, in the hotel room. Which she was, she had to admit to herself, doing some pre-suffering about. Because she didn’t know.

Helena declared, as if to assure Myka that she too felt both the simplicity and the need for it, “I’m not suffering either. Not about this.”

She gripped Myka’s hand tighter. It did feel good. Myka echoed the pressure, and one corner of Helena’s mouth curved up.

Pete rolled his eyes. “You two are gonna wish so hard that Myka won that duck bet.”

“It was a bet that concerned ducks?” Helena asked.

Myka grimaced. “I’ll tell you later.”

“I wonder,” Helena said, jauntily, “whether the poultry competition might include a Rouen or two.”

“I’m gonna regret this, but: okay. That’s a...?” Pete prompted.

“Giant mallard,” Helena said, with even greater cheer. Pete groaned, and Myka found herself wanting to kiss Helena: for being clever, but also as yet another instance of that bankable, uncomplicated touch. She almost said that out loud—“I want to kiss you,” simple, like that—but she understood that if she did, she’d have to deal with Pete about it. Because of ducks.

“Well, I don’t see any of your probably-made-up freak-ducks around,” Pete said. He added a taunt of, “I do see the two of you practically sittin’ in a tree, though.”

“Mature,” Myka said.

“Water off a Rouen’s back!” Helena announced.

Her insouciance made Myka again want contact, like a kiss, but more than that—but still simple. Basic. The most basic.

Pete must have seen and read that thought as it crossed Myka’s mind, crossed her face, for he said, “Jesus, Mykes, just jump her and get it over with. Get yourselves behind the bleachers and take care of business.”

Nobody had taken care of any behind-the-bleachers business, of course, but Myka had kept on holding Helena’s hand, even as they sat on the uncomfortable aluminum of those bleachers and listened to engines rev in preparation for entering the corral. Pete had taken it upon himself to explain the derby’s rules to Helena: “...and they all go in and they have to hit another car every minute, or maybe it’s every two, but anyway if your engine bonks out you get a little while to try to restart it but if you can’t you’re out, and they break that piece of wood by your window to show that you...” Myka listened with one ear, but mostly she concentrated on not finding a reason to loosen her clasp. The interlacing of their fingers had moved from “this feels good” to Helena’s barely fleshed bones pressing too solid against Myka’s, giving rise to an uncomfortable ache... but that ache was no reason to let go; rather, it was a reminder not to. Bodies, real ones, felt pain. So Myka sat on aluminum, listening to engines rev, not letting go. Banking it.

She’d been banking it, still, when Ida arrived, asking, “How did we ever live without the ability to text?” (Pete had said, as they sat down, that he would text Ida to join them, “because maybe she’s done with judgy-judge-judge and can bring us some leftovers.”) She’d looked at Myka and Helena—specifically, looked at their joined hands. “Well,” she said. “Another distraction?”

“Maybe,” Myka acknowledged. From something freakishly huge...

“How are you?” Ida asked Helena. “Did your summit go well?”

Helena smiled at the word. “As well as such a thing could. I suppose one might call the outcome détente,” she said. Myka, too, had smiled a little at “summit,” but as for “détente”... well, there was a lot to be said for that in the relations between several of her nearest and dearest. But she wasn’t sure how she felt about the idea of any relaxing of tensions between Helena and Emily Lake’s girlfriend. “It’s been a very strange two days,” Helena went on to say.

“That isn’t news to me,” Ida said, which prompted in Myka another Amen, sister. Ida added, “But I’ve got something that will make everything better.”

“Fruit spreads?” Pete asked, with great hope. He pointed at the small hamper she held. “That looks like something.”

Ida nodded. “Something. But better than fruit spreads.” From the hamper, she produced—with a “ta-da!”—the key lime pie. Pete gave a gasp that Myka judged both overdramatic and unwarranted; it was just a pie, albeit one that nearly matched her Pinto for color; if she’d thrown it at the car, no one would have noticed the spatter, not that she was in the habit of throwing pies at cars. This one hadn’t been thrown at anything, but it did look a little the worse for having traveled in close quarters: not show quality anymore. Given the crumbled edges of its crust and slightly dented surface, it might have been any pie at all. Ida then handed out plastic forks and paper plates, and if anyone near them in the stands around the fenced patch of mud recognized the picnic as larcenous, they kept it to themselves.

Pete took his fork up with his usual enthusiasm, dug in, took a bite, then closed his eyes. “This pie is freaking awesome. In an ‘I could literally die now’ way.”

“I told you, you literally can’t beat it,” Ida said.

While Myka had respected that particular “literally” when Ida said it yesterday, she wasn’t sure she believed it today in any kind of existential sense. Hence her astonishment when she found her own first bite to be... was “rapturous” outsize, as a word or an idea, to apply to the experience of eating pie? It didn’t matter what word she used, though; she wielded her fork with even more gusto than Pete, and she felt a niggling worry that this was, for her, unseemly, yet the combination of the unprecedented pie and the certainty that it was nutritious was irresistible. The mouthfeel alone was enough to knock her out—unctuous, yet with a sharp slash of lime-presence tanging on the tongue... she’d noticed Helena ignoring her own serving so as to watch Myka. “What?” Myka had asked. “It’s good for me.”

“I am prepared to offer to any and all attending deities,” Helena had said, amusement animating her face, “my prayer that your recently espoused belief does not wear off.”

“I’m prepared to livestream it so everybody on the planet can testify later that it happened,” Pete had enthused. “Also so Claud’s head explodes when she sees it.”

And so it was that the only words Myka had managed to come up with in her own defense, “But this pie,” had caused everyone to express even more opinions in the matter.

Fortunately, however, they let her keep eating. “I feel like I’m somebody else, how much I’m enjoying this,” she now said, not bothering to pause before scooping up another forkful.

“Interesting,” Helena said again, and her tone told Myka that something was waiting to be interrogated there... but she was extremely unwilling to turn her attention away from the pie.

Meanwhile, the cars destroyed each other. None of it mattered to pie-intoxicated Myka, except the Pinto, a little, because she could in fact keep track of it in the muck. It was surprisingly agile, “her” Pinto. Or Palomino. And if the derby had engaged only her eyes, that would have been fine, but exhaust and mud and the crowd’s sweaty enthusiasm hung heavy in the air, congesting her nose and clogging her lungs; she resented that it interfered with her experience of the pie. Its rich citrus viscosity was similarly condensed, on her tongue, but far more pleasurable... but wait, she thought, thickness... a dictionary-page memory... “fr. L in- + spissus slow, dense”: “Inspissate!” she exclaimed.

Pete and Ida both said “What?” and Myka looked up from her plate, ready to explain about “insp” and areas—but her neon pony caught her eye at just the right, or wrong, instant for her to witness its driver’s failure to recognize a danger for what it was: it received in that moment a dramatic T-boning from a seemingly unthreatening even-more-compact car. She yelped and upended her plate, which landed face down on the aluminum at her feet. It had held one last bit of inspissated key lime and... whatever else it was combined with, a last bit that she’d told herself she wanted to savor, but that she’d in all honesty been about to shovel into her mouth with abandon. She made a decision that was really no decision: she lifted the plate, scraped the spattered filling up with her fork, and willed herself not to think about dirt.

“Not one word,” she said, her mouth again full, to Pete and Helena. “Not one word out of either of you.”

Neither said anything. Myka chose to ignore their thunderstruck expressions, because she still had that precious morsel of pie in her mouth.

“Good choices,” Myka told them once she’d swallowed. She licked her fork. She took note of Helena’s expression as it shifted from shock to avid appreciation of her licking her fork.

TBC

Again, minimal tags, but here, an essay might mention things like strongly held beliefs, and how our strongly held beliefs shape our behavior, and why we so strongly hold the beliefs that shape our behavior, and that it is indeed interesting when a shift in belief (about anything: from sugar’s nutritional value to who we actually are) leads us to engage in behaviors that make us strangers to ourselves—regardless of whether we know of that estrangement at the time it’s occurring. When you think about it, in terms of selfhood, each of us might be said to be a cult with exactly one member. (I realize that doesn’t entirely hold up, but I’ve spent a little while thinking about it.)

#bering and wells #Warehouse 13 #fanfic #Mercury #part 11

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frighthouseofalighthouse · 5 years

Note

I'M GONNA DO IT TO EM' ALL ASKS THAT YOU REBLOG TONIGHT TILL 10 AM TOMORROW.... DO THEM!!!!

Hey, you had to do it to ‘em! Here they are starting with the most recent.

“Weird asks that say a lot”

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Coffee mugs because you can use them for everything. Teacups are too small for a proper cuppa.

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

Chocolate bars always.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Bubblegum, which I miss so much. I haven’t had it in over 2 years bc of my braces

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

I didn’t go to public school but all the adults who dealt with me said I was sociable and tried to get everyone to do the group projects but no one listened so I ended up sitting alone reading and quietly doing the project.

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

Glass BOTTLES make it taste superior.

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

Pastel boho preppy goth best describes my style.

7. earbuds or headphones?

Earbuds, but only rubber tipped ones. The plastic ones never fit in my ears. Also headphones never cover my whole ear right. :/

8. movies or tv shows?

TV shows keep my attention span better.

9. favorite smell in the summer?

Brewing thunderstorms.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

None. But trampoline if I had to pick.

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

Scrambled eggs, peanut butter toast, and some kind of fruit.

12. name of your favorite playlist?

My main one is Things You Love. My one for writing is Queen And Country, and my other two favorites are Summer Songs and A Queen Knows How To Fight A War.

13. lanyard or key ring?

Key ring, lanyards get in the way.

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Swedish Fish or Sour Patch Kids.

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

OH MAN. To Kill A Mockingbird, The Great Gatsby, Fahrenheit 451, The Grapes Of Wrath, and The Handmaid’s Tale were definitely my top 5 in English class.

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

Curled up sideways in an armchair with my legs slung over the arm. Sitting normally sucks.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

Either pair of my black boots, or my pink floral Skechers that I wear to work.

18. ideal weather?

60 degrees, cloudy, windy, with a chance of rain.

19. sleeping position?

On my right side, arms around a fluffy pillow, one leg out straight and the other drawn up with my knee to my chest.

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Laptop. I’m trying to exercise my hand and wrist so I don’t tire as quick of notebook writing, though.

21. obsession from childhood?

History, Nancy Drew books, Harry Potter, and ghost stories.

22. role model?

The person I am but don’t think I am.

23. strange habits?

Pulling my shirt collar up over my nose and mouth/putting it in my mouth and chewing on it.

24. favorite crystal?

Amethyst, my birthstone! Close second is blue goldstone. (Have you ever seen it? It looks like the universe. I have a worrystone made of blue goldstone and it’s one of my prized possessions.)

25. first song you remember hearing?

Something from church probably. Outside of church probably one of these: If I Had A Hammer // Peter, Paul and Mary, Puff The Magic Dragon // Peter, Paul and Mary, Scarborough Fair // Simon & Garfunkel, The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald // Gordon Lightfoot.

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Sit in the shade.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

Drink tea, read, and play either Pokemon or Nancy Drew and the Clue Benders Society on my 3DS.

28. five songs to describe you?

The Pines // Roses & Revolutions, I Am Here // Pink, Walk Me Home // Pink, Call Home // Heathers (not the musical), Traveler’s Song // Aviators

29. best way to bond with you?

Talk to me about history, crime, musicals, books, or tv shows

30. places that you find sacred?

Natural swamps. Libraries. Old, overgrown gardens. Anywhere historic. Pine forests at dusk. Anywhere under a clear night sky.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

A plaid shirt, black leggings, and black boots with dark neutral lipstick and a black choker.

32. top five favorite vines?

Fre she vocado, BENTLEY NOOOOO, uhhh I sure hope it does, the one of Lin Manuel-Miranda trying to brainstorm, and this bitch empty YEEt

33. most used phrase in your phone?

Idk how to find this out

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

Idk if this is just a local thing here but WOW ITS NATURESTONE

35. average time you fall asleep?

12-1 nowadays.

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

I can haz cheezburger

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

Depends. Suitcase for things like my laptop that are better protected than in a duffel bag, but duffel bag otherwise because they’re easier to carry.

38. lemonade or tea?

TEAAAAA

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Both please

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

My house? We had a safe word when we did math. It was “quokka.” If we got overwhelmed we’d say it and then stop and look at pictures of quokkas.

41. last person you texted?

My friend and coworker.

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

Jacket pockets.

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

Cardigan or hoodie

44. favorite scent for soap?

Lavender

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Fantasy. It takes me a bit to get into fantasy books usually, but sci-fi is hard to follow and superhero is mostly predictable.

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

Fuzzy pants and a t shirt

47. favorite type of cheese?

Muenster, parmesan, or goat cheese

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

Raspberry

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

“I have no country to fight for. My country is the earth, and I am a citizen of this world.” - Eugene V. Debs

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

A weird local political ad a couple years back.

51. current stresses?

My recent breakup, an overnight shift I work on Wednesday night, and trying to find time to go out to a corn maze with my friend.

52. favorite font?

Baskerville or Georgia.

53. what is the current state of your hands?

Covered in small cuts and scrapes from work, nails picked short, black nail polish mostly peeled off.

54. what did you learn from your first job?

babysitting job: Kids suck never have more than one. Retail job: being on your fee it hardddd

55. favorite fairy tale?

Beauty and the Beast or Rapunzel

56. favorite tradition?

Looking at Halloween decorations

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

Cutting, being manipulated by my dad, and letting other people make me believe I wasn’t good enough (still working on that one)

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

Writing, puzzle-solving, singing, and calligraphy

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“Oh shit waddup”

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

One of those preppy gothic private school animes with a dark secret lurking around the corner

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

Book: “Ignoring isn’t the same as ignorance. You have to work at it.” - The Handmaid’s Tale. Movie: “It’s not about deserve. It’s about what you believe. And I believe in love.” - Wonder Woman. TV Show: “I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself.” - Doctor Who.

62. seven characters you relate to?

Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood, Remus Lupin, Richard Gansey III, Blue Sargent, Dean Winchester, Charlie Bradbury.

63. five songs that would play in your club?

Same five that I said describe me.

64. favorite website from your childhood?

Webkinz and the old American Girl site circa 2009.

65. any permanent scars?

One down my chest from heart surgery as a baby, lots from self harm on my arms/legs, some on my left knee from falling as a kid, and one on the back of my right heel from being pecked by a goose at the fair when I was 11.

66. favorite flower(s)?

Sunflowers, roses, and dahlias.

67. good luck charms?

Myself.

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

Ranch anything.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

Jellyfish have no brains and no heart.

70. left or right handed?

I’m third generation left handed!

71. least favorite pattern?

Vertical stripes.

72. worst subject?

Math.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

Wendy’s fries and chocolate frosty.

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

7. Usually I just ignore it because I have a “high pain tolerance” (which means I like to put myself through minor pains because I think I deserve it)

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

Age 5. I was trying to blow up an inflatable ball and it came out.

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

ALL POTATOES EXCEPT POTATO SALAD

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

Violets.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

Neither, both suck equally.

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

Never had a school id so I guess the license

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Earth tones for me

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

...They are literally the same thing

82. pc or console?

83. writing or drawing?

Writing. I absolutely cannot draw.

84. podcasts or talk radio?

Podcasts, talk radio is so obnoxious.

84. barbie or polly pocket?

Barbie. The clothes are easier to take on and off. I used to accidentally rip polly pocket clothes all the time.

85. fairy tales or mythology?

Mythology. I like it because it explains things, it’s creation stories, its origins. Fairy tales are just fantasies or cautionary tales.

86. cookies or cupcakes?

Cookies.

87. your greatest fear?

Rejection, drowning, and clowns.

88. your greatest wish?

To be a semi-successful author and historian.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

My mom.

90. luckiest mistake?

Not succeeding in killing myself!

91. boxes or bags?

Bags.

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

Dim lamps if they have yellow bulbs. I hate white lights. And also fairy lights yes please.

93. nicknames?

Ellie, Ell, Little Lion, Lioness.

94. favorite season?

FALLLLL

95. favorite app on your phone?

Tumblr, Spotify, or Instagram.

96. desktop background?

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

98. favorite historical era?

Revolutionary War-era America or late Victorian England.

THIS GOT REALLY LONG AND I DONT WANNA HIT THE TEXT BLOCK LIMIT SO IMMA DO ALL THE HALLOWEEN ONES SEPARATELY, MAYBE IN THE MORNING.

#a series of essays anonymously published

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suranflower · 7 years

Text

Tips for starting college: my back to school post

I said college, but this is also useful for anyone studying at the moment.

It is possible I am not the most indicated to do this kind of post since I am a very messy person myself, but after studying all my life, I know what works and what doesn't. With this post, I hope I can help you a little if you feel clueless as where to start with your study, and also encourage myself to follow these things I know first hand are useful and very helpful. If with my experience I can give you just a clue as where to start, I’ll be grateful. So here we go!

Get yourself an agenda

An agenda is basic. I personally buy one literally every year and only use it for about two months and then forget about it, but the truth is that they are useful and should be used all throughout the academic year. I recommend a physical agenda/diary to note down everything you have to do. A calendar is, in my opinion, just as useful or even more.

You may use an app for this as well! I personally have tried about three different ones. Right now, I have School Planner installed and it works good. Agendas and apps like this are great since they allow you to have everything —dates, teacher's names, contacts, and to do lists— in one place. I must add that many of the best organized and most efficient students I know use Google Calendar, which you can easily access in any device using your account. The virtue of non-physical agendas and calendars is that you can take them everywhere and get notifications as reminders, but you might prefer the traditional way, which allows you yo personalize the planning even more. Both ways are good and I highly recommend using a combination.

Some of my friends have also used other methods such as bullet journals but from what they told me, the experience was not the greatest and went back to more traditional planning methods. My advice is you try it all and see what suits you best.

The most important thing is you don't stop using them and rely on your friends telling you deadlines and last minute all-nighters and working. Trust me, you'll miss many of the deadlines and only get more stressed; trust me I spent a whole semester like this and the results were pretty terrible psychologically wise. Just be patient and constant!

Get an all-purpose little notebook

Now, this is a tip I don't see often, but it is something I think many students do and has proven to be useful, at least in my experience. A small, all-purpose notebook you can take with you anywhere will allow you to put all information needed in a certain moment in one place. You ran out of paper, your computer won't work, you forgot your agenda, need to prepare a presentation or your professor is saying something that doesn't quite fit the rest of the notes? You can use this all purpose notebook. Because it's small, you can take it anywhere with you. It allows you to put all these things together and it's always easier to search inside one notebook that try to look into all your lose papers or something similar. It's all in one place. This probably won't work for writing all your notes or doing all your study there, but it can be very useful for punctual things.

Note taking

You can use almost anything for note taking in class. Some people use notebooks, which I don't recommend since there will be days where you will need to take many notebooks with you, as well as books and other things so it will be heavy and bad for your back.

Some other people use file cabinets, which allows you to have the right amount of papers needed for each subject's notes so you won't carry extra weight. If you do this —which I did all six years of high-school— I highly recommend you putting numbers in the pages. And use separators for each subject. While I think pretty much everyone uses separators, not many people number the pages, which —believe me— will result in mixing papers, or losing them. If you give your notes to a friend, it is easier to relocate the pages later. I know this is very basic but I can't stop talking about how important this is. You'd be surprised how many messy notes, lost pages and stuff I have seen throughout these years that could be so easily avoided with just numbering the pages.

These days, I use my laptop (same as this can apply for tablets) for taking notes in class because a) I can type way faster than I can write b) having my notes written in my computer is more useful for later corrections and understanding and all you need to do to get them on paper is print them. I used to use OpenOffice Writer for taking my notes, using one archive per subject. What I liked the most about it was how easy it was to convert to PDF, the options for reducing the borders and the fact that it is a free software. It rarely crashed though I'll admit it did more than Microsoft Office Word, which I used too occasionally.

However, what I have been using since last semester is OneNote, and I couldn't be any happier. It comes with the Microsoft Office pack —which by the way, is FREE for students, you only need to check the conditions for your country and your college web site will probably have a link to it— but you can access it from the web too, and they have a free app (both for Android and iPhone). I believe the OneNote software alone is free to download in the official site. With this program you can have all your notes in sync and check them and edit them from any device, while your notes will be safe in an online storage, as well as in your computer. It is very easy to use and has many interesting features that writers don't have, such as voice recording, automatically adding date and time, easy way of writing formulas, archive linking, free writing, sharing and much more. I think this one is the best yet and throught the checklists you can even turn it into an agenda. Aditional tip: add the date to all your notes. I never did it until last year, and trust me when I say it's one of the best things I've done. When starting to write down, just add "Monday 26th September" and life becomes easier.

When note-taking: don't write down everything the teacher says. It is useless and will get tiring. It's more important you follow the thread of the class, understand what they are talking about and note only the most important things or the answer to the doubts you had. You can find everything they say on books, don't stress trying to copy everything. I know it can be hard to distinguish between the most important things, but it is essential you learn it in order to study better. Also, you don’t need to re-write everything. It takes way too much time and remember that functionality is more important than aesthetic. Therefore, following a wel-known tip, I sugest making summaries and schemes or writing down in a neaty way the most important stuff, instead of rewriting everything. Finally, you don’t need to change your handwriting. It is fine, just try to keep it clean and clear, but your handwriting is unique and you shouldn’t changing it for the sake of following the studyblr aesthetic or something like that. Because it says a lot about you, just try keeping your handwriting as clear and clean as possible, as I said before.

Just like with note taking, not everything you read is equally important. Many teachers won't admit it, but with some texts you can do a superficial reading and understand the general concept while others require deep reading. This means a 30 page text can take you 30 minutes to read in some occasions, but a same length text can take you hours. It is your work to learn when you have to do a deep reading and when not to. This isn't easy neither and I can't really give you tips about it. Another thing you should do is taking notes from these readings: underline and write down important things, use sticky notes, etc. In my experience, the best thing when doing a deep writing is highlighting when girst-reading and oing your notes-to-self, and then making a summary with the most important things and ideas. The Cornell method is wonderful for this and I have always got good results using it —comprehension wise, but also with grades. In my major we have to read so much, and the quality of the writings, translatios or just the content isn’t always the same. Keep that in mind.

Get a color code when studying

The truth is I don’t really do this myself. Instead of having a fixed color-code for highlightig and writing, I use the colors that are disponible in the moment. It works for me, but the truth is that having the same color-code always is more useful. Still I must add that I usually use yellow highlighter for less important things and another color, like blue, green or pink for the most important things. For keywords, I usually use the “most important thing” color and then circle or underline the word with my pen. When writing, I usually use bright colors for the titles, black for keywords, red for subtitles and bullet points and blue for everything else. As I said, none of this is fixed and depends on the material I can use at the moment. Just create something that works for you ^.^

Optimize your time but also rest

I am working on this myself, I know it’s hard. But don’t ever stop taking care of your mental health. Your mind, safety and psychological well being is more important than your grades. Need to study for hours? Do it, but then take your time for sleeping, eating, taking care of your skin and doing your hobbies as well.

Try to keep yourself motivated

It can be through goals (”I want to become a doctor”), mid-term goals (”I am going to get a great grade for this exam”) or just motivating yourself for the sake of self improvement (”I can do this and will do it because I will feel great when I achieve it”). It can be anything, just do your best. I know it is hard, I know you struggle when studying. I have asked myself so many times why am I doing this? Why am I here? This class is terrible, I’d rather be at home. But remember without hard work, you cannot achieve anything. Do your best, don’t push yourself too much, stay healthy and active and keep going. I honestly don’t have any long term goals and have to constantly push myself to do things and struggle to find motivation, but I have discovered it is about going step by step and putting yourself achiveable day-by-day, week-by-week goals. You are doing great, and remember that hard work always pays off -sooner or later.

Remember not measuring your self worth by other people

Stop comparing yourself to your classmates: you are both different and doing what you can. Try not letting other’s comments hurt you. And I know somethimes parents pressuere you a and have high stardard to meet, but remember YOUR standards are more important and YOUR mental and physical health is more important than trying to meet the goals other’s set for you. I know making your parents proud feels great, it’s not worth it if it sends you to exhaustion.

When studying a language, even more important than the study itself, it is keeping in contact with said language

Listen to podcasts, read whenever you can, listen to music, watch TV shows in that language. You don’t have to understand everything, just keep that contact so you won’t forget those words, the pronunciation, etc. Don’t have time for German class this semester? Ok, you have apps like Duolingo that allow you to practise in a casual way. Cannot afford Japanese classes and don’t really have time for self-study right now? Alright, keep watching that anime. With social networks, it is as easy as following people that speaks said language. Just don’t give up!

Talk to your teachers. They don’t bite and actually many — in my experience most of them — are actually grateful that you approach them

I am working on this as well because I am a very shy person, but truly, this is so important. Have doubts? Tell them after classes. Further doubts or you don’t know how to approach the subject? Arrange a meeting in their office. Are you really interested in this and don’t know where to start? Teachers always have resources. Your teacher is also a person and their duty is to help you out. Forming a bond with your teacher is always a good thing, studying gets better and more interesting, and it’s even useful for networking in anticipation for future job finding. It will be good for you and it will probably make them happy as well seing that you have interest. Just don’t abuse it, they have other things to do and other student’s as well.

#studying #back to school #studyblr #studyspo #study motivation #college #back to school tips #studying tips #college tips #other #i know this is not kpop lol i just started writing this here and well this happened #my intention was to write down things so I wouldn't forget and later psot it in anothe rblog but... yeah #resources #long post

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paranoidsbible · 7 years

Text

Paranoid’s Bible text backup.

The Paranoid's Bible Non-profit and free for redistribution Written on June 04th | 2014 Published on October 22nd | 2015 For entertainment and research purposes only DISCLAIMER The Paranoid's Bible and its writers hold no responsibility for the acts of others. The Paranoid’s Bible is for research and entertainment purposes only. Please visit our blog for more PDFs and information: http://www.paranoidsbible.tumblr.com/

============================================================== Table of Contents DISCLAIMER 2 Preface 4 A History of Doxing 5 Weaponizing Dox 6 Why You Should Fear Doxing 7 Why You Should Care 8 The Need for Privacy 9 Compartmentalization and You 10 Find your Digital Footprint - Introduction: 11 Find your Digital Footprint - Dossier: 13 Find your Digital Footprint—Resources 15 Find your Digital Footprint – Tactic 20 Find your Digital Foot print--Things you should know and do 26 The Paranoid’s Rules 30 Opt-out Master-list 33 What to do if doxed 49 Afterword 52 Questions and Answers 53 ============================================================== Preface The who: People that have decided to combine their resources to create a repository of information. The what: The Paranoid’s Bible: A free to use resource that aims to help people self-dox. The where: The internet: An abused form of communication, education and betterment of mankind. The why: To give people the tools to self audit. ============================================================== A History of Doxing [1]Doxing is a term believed to have roots in the age of the BBS. It describes the action of finding information on a target from an initial set of data in the form of a screen name or email. Many people find this information through search engines or other services offered online. Take note that doxing can take place anywhere, even offline. Individuals can and will try their hand at social engineering. They'll do this by asking businesses or groups for more information on a target. It's accomplished through the claim of being someone they're not or through asking questions. The word comes from ‘document tracing,’ which has a past in web 1.0. Regardless, doxing's a neutral act that is free of political and moral responsibilities. It's used by many groups and individuals that range in religious and political beliefs. So, the person committing the act is the one that places politics or morals onto it. The target can range from possible racists or sexists to an innocent person or a victim of some scheme. Remember: Anyone can become a target and victim of doxing. The truth is that no one is un-dox-able. It’s speculated this is the end result of mob justice and social justice on the internet. Doxing is just something that won't go away. And just like its rise to infamy in the early 2000s, it'll always have its ups and downs. We just have to learn to co-exist with it and guard ourselves. • Clarification on the spelling of Dox – One X only, not two. Dox is the proper, original spelling. Resources: https://www.makeuseof.com/tag/what-is-doxing-and-how-does-it-affect-your-privacy-makeuseof-explains/ https://www.techgyd.com/know-doxing-protect-yourself/6197/ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doxing http://socialengineering.wikia.com/wiki/Doxxing http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/doxing http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=doxing ============================================================== Weaponizing Dox The internet is quite like a middle school’s playground. It's filled with immature individuals void of any real emotional or mental maturity. Just like in middle school, and some higher education, gossip is common. People will use your past against you. They’ll work on every tiny flaw and mistake to isolate you from others. And, like a lion singling out an ill gazelle from the herd, some people are quite opportunistic. Though, we’ll note that’s where the similarities end. People online, at large, have no means of coping with opinions or views that don’t match to their own. They’re so afraid of something of theirs being spoken badly of, that they seek to silence. Doxing is currently the most common form for silencing this supposed dissent. It's used to shame, blame and emotionally or mentally scar someone into censoring themselves. This self policing on tone and content isn’t something that many will see as a reason to prevent dox. Many will see it as a nuisance that’ll not happen to them. Why would anyone target you, right? You don’t matter, right? You’re right. You don’t matter. You’re just another pseudo-anonymous individual. That’s why it matters, too, though. By being online, you’re already a target for doxing. You frequent social media, the threats doubled. If you dare speak your mind, entire legions of perpetually angry individuals see you. They’re mad at you for existing. They’re mad at you for simply being an individual with their own views and voice. You said something they deemed bad. Maybe it's a "Micro-aggression" or wrong think. Either way, you are just another bump in the road for them. They're on an endless jihad to wipe out anything that might "trigger" them. They don’t care about you, either. Your family and friends will be targets, too. They’ll lay in wait until you’re at your highest or lowest. It doesn’t matter to them; they just want to make you into an example for stepping out of line. The line will shift and change constantly, yet it matters not to them. They want to ruin you and yours. Your job will be on the line. Human Resources will be harassed continuously with emails and phone calls. Your employer will wake up to their own social media accounts blasted with comments. And, again, you aren’t truly the target but what they perceive you as representing. It could be anything, honestly. But, you should still worry nonetheless. We may have stated in “The History of Dox” that doxing is a neutral act—and it is—but it’s being weaponized. Why You Should Fear Doxing Many believe doxing is something not to worry about. These people believe that by not posting their names, they're safe. It’s just not that easy anymore as we’re no longer a part of Web 1.0. We’re in more danger than ever before when it comes to our privacy. This is due to the interconnectivity of Web 2.0. You've things like tracking cookies, which is common knowledge. But how many users are aware of Facebook spying on its userbase and non-users alike? What about the fact that Google and its services are connected? The average users shouldn’t worry about the above, though. What will affect the average user is cat-fishing. Cat-fishing, in some ways, is like doxing and identity theft. You use someone else's information and identity to masquerade as that individual. You then, as this individual, take part in what many refer to as a "romance scam". This can be to try and stalk someone, milk them of their money, or to gain trust to commit a more atrocious act. Cat-fishing, although like doxing, isn't actually doxing nor the biggest possible threat. Doxing to many is just [1] pizza boxing and flooding a mailbox with [2] literal junk. There are also prank calls, theft of mail and many other acts that can, to some degrees, become worse. The issue isn’t that some use doxing a means to gather information for identity theft. It isn't just ruining your credit or stealing your money, either. There are some individuals out there who'll use doxing as a form of abuse. It isn't the stalking or physical abuse you should worry about, but the mental and emotional abuse. That stress alone can damage your less-than-mature victims. This is why many should fear doxing in its current form. Web 2.0 isn't just pranks and unwanted food. It's now a form of vigilante justice or revenge. It'll be done by those who see themselves as fighting for social justice. They'll ruin the livelihood of many due to any perceived wrong. They’ll continue their antics until the person they’re targeting is destroyed. • Pizza-boxing is the act of sending pizzas or other unordered food. • By literal junk we mean boxes, junk mail and similar items. Resources: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catfishing https://www.drphil.com/articles/article/720 https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/features/feature-0014-identity-theft https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Identity_theft https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/media/video-0024-what-if-youre-victim-identity-theft https://www.forbes.com/sites/laurashin/2014/11/18/someone-had-taken-over-my-life-an-identity-theft-victims-story/ ============================================================== Why You Should Care Information is the new form of currency that transcends borders and time. It’s used by both the governments and corporations of the world. Due to this simple fact it’s not only a valuable resource but also an important one. Personal data is sought after, regardless of your worth as an individual. You aren't the one they're interested in--your information is worth more than you. Even when dead, your information is valuable. You can remain apathetic about your information as no one needs to worry when they’re dead. It's just that the truth is quite scary. While you read this, someone is organizing your information into a dossier and selling it as a product. Corporations and government sponsored alphabet agencies are putting your information into lists and dossiers. These lists and dossiers rest in the dark corners of some data center in Utah (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Utah_Data_Center). Every like, tweet, snap and chat saved. Every bookmark, account and login time noted. They track everything you say and view. It’s just the government, nothing to worry about… right? Well the government's known for ruining things you love; you should know this by now. You should be wary not of the government as a being but as an entity composed of individuals: • An individual can track an ex-lover (https://www.cnn.com/2013/09/27/politics/nsa-snooping/) • A group of individuals can target another group based upon their political beliefs (https://dailycaller.com/2014/12/22/bombshell-report-irs-targeted-icky-conservative-groups/) • A group can view your pornographic viewing habits and use it against you (https://www.techdirt.com/articles/20131127/00243625384/nsa-spied-porn-habits-radicalizers-planned-to-use-details-to-embarrass-them.shtml) The US government is but one of the major concerns for a person that's privacy minded. They not only spy on everyone, but they receive help from many corporations. These corporations make money off you and your information. They will buy, sell and trade with both the government and other corporations. Sites like Been Verified (https://www.beenverified.com/), Smart Zip (https://www.smartzip.com/) and Intelius (https://www.intelius.com/) will gather and place your data on not only their sites but sell it to others. Even search engines like Google or Bing have your personal information. These sites can have anything from your name to your address or even pictures of your house and vehicles It may seem like fear mongering and a lot of fuss about nothing, but your information is used for anything and everything. Anyone can find it now. No one can be too prepared when it comes to their privacy and personal safety. ============================================================== The Need for Privacy It doesn't matter if you believe in conspiracies or not, we're not here to judge. It's just that if there was an actual shadow group looking to control the world… then they've done it well. In the West, especially the US, fear is now law and so is the removal of freedom. We’re exchanging privacy for so-called security. The millenials recognized this early on and completely fumbled the ball. They prefer instant gratification and "karma culture" instead of personal responsibility. Their calls for government transparency were nothing but a forced meme. We regurgitate the catchphrases and trends force fed to us on news feeds and dashboards. We wallow in instant gratification and the infinite supply of praise we can get from the internet. All this has done for us is made us blunt to the concept of having some dignity. We air out our business to any and all who listen in the name of acceptance and progressiveness. What we’re doing is making ourselves ignorant to the fact that our privacy is dying. Without privacy, there is no security. Why do we need privacy? Why is it important? Well, without a natural set of social graces and respect... we’ll see what every country under a budding tyranny sees before conflict begins. Knocks at the door begin and men demanding a simple task: If you see something, say something. Think of the recent ads on TV and online, or look at the news-paper or even a magazine. They'll have the same thing to an extent—don’t trust people who aren't on Facebook (https://www.forbes.com/sites/kashmirhill/2012/08/06/beware-tech-abandoners-people-without-facebook-accounts-are-suspicious/). Look around you; we’re now in a continuous state of fear. We may soon see propaganda in our cities telling us to report people for not socializing the correct way. This is why privacy is important and needed. Resources: https://www.roanoke.com/business/columns_and_blogs/columns/color_of_money/consumers-should-be-able-to-opt-out-of-having-data/article_4227df14-eda7-11e3-87d9-0017a43b2370.html? https://www.avoiceformen.com/mens-rights/activism/who-let-the-dox-out/ https://www.techgyd.com/know-doxing-protect-yourself/6197/ ============================================================== Compartmentalization and You When it concerns information security, compartmentalization is the act of limiting access to information to persons or groups who need to know it in order to perform specific tasks. The concept originates from the military when handling "classified information" and intelligence applications. The basis is that if fewer people know the details, the less likely a mission or task will be jeopardized and be risked. This helps limit the chance that data could be compromised or fall into the hands of enemies. This also explains the varying levels of clearance within organizations, like "TOP SECRET" or the highly restricted "TOP SECRET ULTRA". Like a well-oiled military machine, one must treat their online life like a separate entity that's in no way, shape or form, related to their offline life. This is to prevent cross contamination of accounts and information. One such example of compartmentalization in cyber security, for the average internet user, is never using the same username or e-mail address for an account. Another example would be purchasing a subscription to a good, secure VPN to prevent your own IP and ISP from being detect. One other example is the use of add-ons to sanitize your referral links and randomizing browser's user agent. In the end, the best practice is to treat each and every account as a separate entity isolated from your other accounts. A new e-mail address, username, persona and style of typing will be needed for each and every account you create to prevent possible cross contamination. Please remember these simple steps when creating your accounts: • A different username • A different e-mail address • A different password • Always ensure you never use real world information • Always ensure your avatar and/or signature is of an image you've used nowhere else • Where you can, use a P.O. Box • Where you can, use a pre-paid card instead of your credit or debit • Where you can, use a burner phone (pre pair cell) instead of your landline or cell number • Use a word processor to double check your written content before posting • Try to limit the use of words you most commonly use • Try to limit your account's profile in what information you provide • Try to limit your overall account count to 10 or less • Never link accounts to each other • Never publicly post e-mail addresses or passwords • Never share or link your chat, instant messenger or social media accounts to people you don't trust • Never use your real name, nor should you ever post your real world information ==============================================================

Find your Digital Footprint - Introduction: Transparency for the sake of online socialization and interaction is a threat. This trend won't die anytime soon, mind you. There are many reasons for this, such as the alarming growth of social networks. You've also the demands for online passports (https://www.wired.com/2012/07/ff_kaspersky/) or services like Klout (https://www.wired.com/2012/04/ff_klout/3/). It's obvious the need for privacy is in increasing demand, but the biggest setback for privacy is you. All those accounts you made in your early internet years? They have most likely left a nice trail that many can follow and use to learn about you. You see, it’s true; everything on the internet lasts. Unlike now, we weren’t taught to be as privacy-minded. Governments and corporations are fighting to wave privacy off as a paranoid's fantasy. Many privacy groups exist and claim to fight for your rights against the invasion of privacy. But how many actually do help? Many are in bed with corporations and/or the government. Many just demand donations because of a believed slight. Others... others just steal content from each other. The Paranoid's Bible (http://paranoidsbible.tumblr.com/)? We just want to spread knowledge. We believe your various accounts should be like any good camp fire: Well planned. You need to not only think it out but, also plan it out and have an emergency plan in case is spreads too far, too fast. Plus it doesn't hurt to have a plan to extinguish it. Your online profiles and accounts shouldn’t just rot. They need to be removed and all traces proving its existence also doused out. Like any good Woodsman or woman will tell you: A single campfire can destroy a forest. This is why you must always plan your accounts and profiles out. Like a campfire left alone in a forest, a single account or profile can destroy an entire life. Any one account and/or profile can decimate an entire person’s image. Yes, in theory, everything will remain cached, copied or saved on some server till the end of days. And you may think that just deleting an account will wipe all traces of it, but that isn’t the truth. Everything, even after deleting an account, is still there. By law, most sites and services have to keep everything on their servers for a few months to a year or more. So, in a sense, you can never delete an account, hence us saying you need to think. There are services for doing background checks on everyone and everything for any reasons. You have an online footprint and anyone can find it, there’s nothing else to say. You have a digital trail dedicated to all your old fanfics, photos or images and online debates. There are steps that you can take to prevent your online footprint from growing. But nothing short of doxing yourself ([1] self doxing) and learning just how much of your information is online can help. One issue is how you interact with others online. Another issue is how much information you post on the internet. All we can do is give you some simple suggestions before providing you the tools needed to self-dox. Once done, save this information somewhere on your computer or a USB where other's won't find it. Hold onto this until you've read the rest of this guide. This information will help you delete and opt-out of as much as possible. • Self doxing isn’t the act of doxing oneself and posting dox for all to see. It’s the opposite. It’s the act of using the tools, tactics and knowledge often used in doxing to “meta-dox” oneself. This act's done in private, not in the public's eye. You're to find and delete any traces or information that's found through the “self-dox”. This is to prevent possible doxing in the future. (E.G: Opting out and having your information deleted from Spokeo. Or deleting an old account you’ve associated with your real name). Resources: https://www.hackcommunity.com/Thread-DoX-DoXing-and-How-To-Prevent-It-being-anonymous-within-your-identity?pid=73506 https://www.minichan.org/topic/7866 https://www.hackcommunity.com/Thread-Tutorial-Maxx-s-Anti-Dox-Handbook?pid=180063 https://www.offbeathome.com/2013/03/how-to-keep-your-personal-information-private https://www.netsecurity.about.com/od/perimetersecurity/a/How-Criminals-Use-Google-Maps-Street-View-To-Case-The-Joint.htm https://www.abine.com/blog/2012/how-to-delete-things-from-the-internet/ https://www.null-byte.wonderhowto.com/inspiration/dont-get-doxed-5-steps-protecting-your-private-information-web-0133806/ https://www.thebot.net/general-tutorials/233339-how-doxing-works-protect-yourself/#post2372672 https://www.soyouwannalearnhowto.wordpress.com/2011/05/22/so-you-wanna-learn-how-to-prevent-doxing/ https://www.school-of-privacy.com/selfdox ============================================================== Find your Digital Footprint - Dossier: The reason to why we’re opting to use a dossier is because it’ll allow you to sort the information that you find on yourself. It's an easy-to-use format, too. This serves as your go-to document, which I recommend that you save in a .txt. We know many will not believe this to be useful. Many will say you can't stop the government or corporations from spying. But corporations or government aren't out to ruin your life or financial security. The people you have to worry about getting a hold of this information are civilians. They'll contact employers, family and friends all under the guise of social justice. With the right combination of information, they can guess passwords and security questions. They can even discover information you don’t have on the internet with the proper combo. The below contains some simplified descriptions of why each piece of information is useful. Name: Even if common, a person’s name (first and/or last) can help verify information. It can lead to more private information found through Google and other services. Age: Like their name, their age can confirm certain information. Birth date: Used to verify age and name, plus other information. Location: A general location, like a city or state, can help locate an address. It can confirm their identity on social networking sites and application sites (among others). Phone number: Verify name and location Home address: What else to say? The home address can usually turn up images and misc information through Google. Possible relations: Mother, father, brother, sister, boyfriend, girlfriend, friends…ETC. This can confirm other pieces of information. Usernames: Using the same username over and over again can create a trail. By leaving one and telling others where you’re going, you can create a trail, too. E-mail addresses: A key to tracking people down, the e-mail address leads to many things. Accounts: Links to accounts found on various websites, used to keep a list of where you’ve been. Websites: Most likely has information you don’t realize. Information can be found through a "whois" (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/WHOIS) search Misc information: Miscellaneous pieces of information that may seem crucial or of interest. For example: Mac Address, IP address, IDs, SSN, birth certificates...ETC. Possible accounts: Similar username or other items that makes you believe an account's related. Images: Can verify accounts; find Exif data…ETC. Make two dossiers. One with the information you know and recall, then a second one with the information that you've found online through the use of this guide. Keep the two separate once done. Compare them only after you've read this guide fully. ============================================================== Find your Digital Footprint—Resources It’s important to keep track of the information found through the use of the provided dossier. We suggest that you also keep track of how each piece of information was found, as well as what led you to that discovery. This way you’ll be able to *provide us with more insight and knowledge on how to prevent information from leaking. You also will be able to help us figure out how to remove it. Remember, though, it isn’t who you are. It's who you used to be and what you’ve once said. This is what most people look for when they wish to dox someone. It's the key to ruining someone, no matter how liked they are online. Knowing what someone said or did in the past will help ruin their present self. Now, before you start, put yourself into the shoes of a stranger. You should think back to previous scenarios or cases where you’ve heard of doxing. The reason I ask this is simple: To see just how varied doxing can be and just how unethical it can get at times. Think of it like this: Someone you’ve argued with. Think of someone who wished nothing short of a pox upon your genitals or the death of your dog. This person has decided to track every piece of information possible on you that exist online. This hatred is what usually drives people onward toward their goal of doxing. They need to find information on someone and put them in their place. Or it’s because they believe it’s their moral right to track down those who wander away from the hive mind. Once you get into this frame of mind, don’t think of the information you know, but search for what you don't. Search for items posted in the present and past. You must find this information and use it. Add it to your dossier. You'll get a glimpse of what others see when they comb through your blog and internet past. Now, to make this simpler for you, we're going to end this part with a links and miscellaneous resources. Username: > https://www.namechk.com/ > https://www.knowem.com/ > https://www.namecheckr.com/ > https://www.checkusernames.com/ General: > https://www.spokeo.com/ > https://www.pipl.com/ > https://www.wink.com/ > https://www.peekyou.com/ > https://www.yoname.com/ > https://www.linkedin.com/ > https://www.search.yahoo.com/ > https://www.google.com/ > https://www.bing.com/ > https://www.reddit.com/ > https://www.wink.com/ > https://www.aad.archives.gov/aad/series-list.jsp?cat=GS29 > https://www.numberway.com/uk/ > https://www.vinelink.com/vinelink/initMap.do > https://www.jailbase.com/en/sources/fl-lcso/ > https://www.publicrecords.onlinesearches.com/ > https://www.www.abika.com/ > https://www.www.freeality.com/ > https://www.radaris.com/ > https://www.twoogel.com/ > https://www.advancedbackgroundchecks.com > https://www.yellowpagesgoesgreen.org/ > https://www.Intelius.com/ > https://www.PublicRecordsNow.com > https://www.Smartzip.com Social Networks: > https://www.twitter.com/ > https://www.facebook.com/ > https://www.deviantart.com > https://www.xanga.com/ > https://www.tumblr.com/ > https://www.myspace.com/ > https://www.yasni.com/ > https://www.socialmention.com/ > https://www.whostalkin.com/ > https://www.linkedin.com/ > https://www.formspring.me/ > https://www.foursquare.com/ > https://www.about.me/ > https://www.profiles.google.com/ > https://www.blogger.com > https://www.photobucket.com/ > https://www.quora.com/ > https://www.stumbleupon.com/ > https://www.reddit.com > https://www.digg.com > https://www.plixi.com > https://www.pulse.yahoo.com/ > https://www.flickr.com/ Location: > https://www.whitepages.com/person > https://www.maps.google.com/ > https://www.411.com/ > https://www.192.com/ > https://www.zabasearch.com/ > https://www.zillow.com People: > https://www.123people.com/ > https://www.peekyou.com/ > https://www.peoplejar.com/ > https://www.anywho.com/whitepages > https://www.yahoo.intelius.com/ > https://www.findermind.com/free-people-search-engines/ > https://www.ipeople.com > https://www.facebook.com/directory/people/ > https://www.skipease.com/ > https://www.zabasearch.com/ > https://www.wink.com/ > https://www.dobsearch.com/ > https://www.searchbug.com/ > https://www.nationwidecrafts.com/ > https://www.everyone411.com/ > https://wwww.Acxiom.com/ > https://wwww.MyLife.com/ > https://www.Zabasearch.com > https://www.ussearch.com/ > https://www.peoplesmart.com/ > https://www.usa-people-search.com/ > https://www.spoke.com/ > https://www.SOBSearch.com/ > https://www.beenverified.com/ > https://www.peoplefinder.com/ Phone numbers: > https://www.whitepages.com/reverse-lookup > https://www.freecellphonedirectorylookup.com/ > https://www.fonefinder.net/ Images: > https://www.tineye.com/ > https://www.saucenao.com/ > https://www.photobucket.com/ > https://www.revimg.net/ > https://www.iqdb.org/ Programs: > Skype Add-ons (for Firefox) > Exif viewer Whois: > https://www.networksolutions.com/whois/index.jsp Caches: > https://www.archive.is (Can be used to make your own caches of pages) > https://www.archive.org/web/ You may have come across similar links from such sites as insurgen.cc. Or maybe from an image board with an /i/nvasion or /i/nsurgency board. You could've even seen it on some social justice blogger's anti-bigotry how-to. But these links...? They're actually well known and have been the staple of a lot of lists and guides on how track a person or persons down. These links will help you find your own information and thus help you dox yourself. Please remember: This is but a sampling. If you wish to see a larger chunk of the iceberg that invades our privacy then look at the supplementary guides. Please hold off on the “opt-outs” until you’ve read this whole guide. We’ve organized the opt-outs to help you speed along with the removal of your information. We ask you to wait as we also have various tips and tricks to ensure you do it right. • Searching a person a specific way leads to different websites that cache their information. Resources: https://www.propublica.org/article/privacy-tools-opting-out-from-data-brokers https://consumerist.com/2010/06/21/giant-list-of-data-brokers-to-opt-out-of/ https://money.cnn.com/galleries/2010/technology/1012/gallery.data_miners/index.html https://www.privacyalerts.org/data-brokers.html https://www.privacyrights.org/online-information-brokers-list https://unlistmy.info/sites https://consumerist.com/2010/06/21/giant-list-of-data-brokers-to-opt-out-of/ https://www.cnet.com/how-to/how-to-take-back-your-privacy-from-data-brokers/ https://silversteampunk.tumblr.com/post/70232779066/i-used-this-image-because-ive-seen-it-posted ============================================================== Find your Digital Footprint – Tactic When one looks for information online, there isn’t just a single way to go about it. It’s a mess of tactics, resources, and Googling until one’s fingers are raw from typing. Because of this, we’ve created a series of simple tactics for you to track down your information online. We also wish to show you how to counteract these tactics. We’re going to start with a simple tactic and lead onwards from there. ==Applies to Tumblr only== > About me leads to about you: Simple and fast, always the first thing you should do. Look at the about me, see what information is there? A name? An age? What about nicknames, or links, or a list of tags or posts…? Whatever there is, it leads to valuable information that can pad out the dossier. Counteract: Never use your real name online, nicknames, or anything of value. This should apply to any and all accounts you own. > Tumblr cataloging: This is simple, in all actuality, as it only requires time and patience, and lots of reading. To start out, one goes to the target blog. Then you comb through the /archive/ link or by finding the last page of a blog. In theory, you need to find the oldest/first post made on the blog. From there, working your way up to most current, you go from page-to-page. You skim posts for key pieces of information that can be used to find information elsewhere or used in any Search Engine. Things you'll look for: • Exif data from images • Linked image albums • Alternate blog or account links • E-mail addresses • Wish lists • Personal rants • Family or pet names • Real life locations or school names The older the blog, the more likely there are pieces of information used to find their accounts elsewhere online. Counteract: Simply put—don’t be ignorant or rash. Think, watch what you post, don’t leak real world information, save images as PNG and always scrub the Exif data. Be careful and post smart. > Tag hunt: The trend of having to tag every post caused people to be obsessive with certain tags. To profit from this, one has to check for a “Tag list,” or commonly used tags like “My face” or “Me”. Depending on whether Tumblr pulled an Imgur and removes Exif data, images can lead to real world information. Certain tags can end up leading to accounts and personal information. These can accounts are found through simple reverse image searches. Counteract: Post smart, save images as PNG and always scrub Exif data. Be general and misleading about thing in reality (when discussing online). Swap real names for generic names or handles—High school is now your High school, not Mt. Rush High. > Tag search: Search the blog’s username and/or title on Tumblr search and Tumblr’s tag search. You can also search previous or past usernames/titles. You can find a lot out on a blogger and who they hang out with by searching them on Tumblr. If they have a previous blog name/title, it can be found by using the “Tumblr cataloging” tactic. Example: 1. Party H re-blogged and responded to Party B. 2. The post Party B re-blogged was from Party A. The post from Party A is on Party H’s blog. 3. Party H is the “Source,” but older posts show it re-blogged from Party A. 4. This means Party H and Party A was one in the same and Party H changed the name/title. Searching their previous names/titles on Tumblr can and will usually lead to excellent information. Remember though, you’ll need patience and to take some time going through these tags. Counteract: Don’t change your title/name, or do so often. > Statcounter surfing: Use a publicly displayed counter or your own to track someone’s IP down and blog(s). To do this: Check for a Statcounter or tracker made public, or use your own and bait the target. Now look at what information is displayed and/or look for /blog/username links. Use these to find meta data like: • Blogs • IP address • General location (ISP or host’s location) • Referral information Counteract: Many add-ons help prevent this, like Umatrix or Ublock Origin. Always use one or more of these add-ons. You’ve done all that you’ve could on Tumblr; you’ve gotten some information… now what? Well, it’s time to breakout Google or some other search engine. Now start using various combinations of the information that you’ve found. ==General information and searching== > Username searching: Search the Username using a search engine or one of several username check websites. Just find any and all accounts with a similar username. You then check its information against that in the dossier. Counteract: Never use the same username twice. Always change it, no matter what. Never share your accounts with anyone or announce your accounts elsewhere. Never inter-link accounts. > E-mail address surfing: Using any number of websites or search engines, one can enter an email address to lookup. Using its variations (@gmail, hotmail, yahoo…ETC) you can find miscellaneous accounts. This can also lead to information and possible dead-accounts or addresses. You could use an address and resurrect it anew to claim accounts to learn information like passwords. Counteract: Use a different E-mail address for each account. Having a “Main” that acts as the secondary account for the others one. Don’t display your E-mail. Never give it out, or at least use a secondary-secondary as a fake for public display. > Account hopping: The older an account, the more likely it will link to another account somewhere else. Like a few of the Tumblr tactics, one just has to search tags, keywords, and comb through the accounts. Usually it’s a comment or even a keyword itself. Better success on Wordpress or Blogger accounts, also in descriptions on profiles. Counteract: Always wait a month before deleting an account. Remove any and all posts, texts, and information. Before deleting the text or posts, first fill them with random characters/text. This is to force a new cache from various search engine and services. This should render previous ones inaccessible and only leave traces of nothing. Example: Instead of a lengthy diatribe against your old SO, it’s sldknlskndlfkndlkslfksldkfndslksdnflksklnfdslkfsdnklds). Also, for images or videos, upload blank images or static filled videos. > Photobucket jumping: Just searching usernames against account links like ‘photobucket.com/user/-username-‘ or ‘photobucket.com/profile/-username-‘ to find an account. Once an account is discovered, people can search parts or the whole URL of any direct image link. This allows people to find where you’ve posted your images and thus your accounts. Counteract: Delete your images and photobucket account. Don’t put a password on it and don’t let it idle…it’ll lasts forever. > CTRL + U sourcing it: Check custom layouts on various blogging platforms for websites and links. Various sites allow individuals to add their own custom flair to things. For example a layout and separate page designs. You can find links to storage accounts or image upload services by checking the source. This usually leads to photobucket accounts, imageshack accounts or personal servers. It could also expose a cloud storage account that can be searched or forced into exposing more information. Counteract: Use the month rule and random text/character trick before deletion. You should also name all images randomly instead of using actual words. Don’t put anything in obvious order. Note on passwords: 8 to 12 characters long with random letters, numbers and characters. > Forum scouting: Found an account on a forum; search the forum for more information. Most forums have a search function that allows you to search a username plus keywords. It’s simple and quick. Search specific things like: • Social network names • Usernames • E-mails • General keywords (example: email, account, art, location, school) Double check posts for signatures or avatars that can be traced back to other accounts. If that isn’t possible, then check the user’s profile for a post counter that may or may not be clickable. This will usually lead to all their posts. Counteract: One month wait before delete plus random characters. Also request the owner/mods/staff to delete account and all posts. > Gaia Whoring: Go to their forums and search them, or profiles for similar usernames and information. Check against a search engine with things like “Username,” “Gaia,” “E-mail” and whatever else. This usually leads to various forums and other accounts. This tactic can also be applied to Neopets, among other sites. Counteract: Follow the deletion trick of random characters…Etc. Don’t giveaway your items. Don’t donate your gold or cash. Just delete everything within the month rule. > Face snipping: Find a picture of someone online. Crop out everything but their face. Using the (cropped) image of just their face and/or head, go to Tineye and see if you can find results. Usually you’ll be able to find accounts. You can find account belonging to friends and relatives. You may also find a school websites or similar item where your target is photographed. Counteract: Never post your image online, ever. Also scrub exif data. These tactics are but a sampling of what many people do on a daily basis to find the information of others. We just list the most common and easiest to do for you to help you find your online footprint. ==============================================================

Find your Digital Foot print--Things you should know and do This chapter is dedicated to providing you with various steps that you can take to prevent cross-referencing through multiple accounts. A single piece of information posted in one location can be used against you and lead to another account. If not taken into careful consideration, something as simple as your first name could lead to your inevitable doxing. Imagine, if you will, that you have an account on a site about model trains. You signed up with your first name and used your old AOL e-mail address. Someone looking for you discovers you like trains; however all they have on you is an old username. They search this username, which is used in your old AOL e-mail address. They discover your model train account and first name. Search with various variations of your e-mail address and name, they discover a newsletter of your town’s local hobby shop and model train group. They now know your full name, your hobby group, your old e-mail address and several other pieces of information that, when combined, lead to your home address. Congratulations, you’ve been doxed. When leaving an account: o When leaving, don’t announce it. o Tell no one that you’re deleting your account. o Delete your account only after a month of inactivity. And delete it only after switching it to a *‘Dead E-mail address’. • Note: An e-mail address used to take ownership of an account that you’re deleting/deactivating. Steps to take before deleting an account: o Before deleting anything, wait a month. o Anything you can edit, do so with random characters and text. o Image should be replaced with a blank temp image (pure color image). o Once a month is over, you can delete that account. o But before doing so, delete the account’s items one by one. o If you can’t delete something, ask the staff/owner/webmaster/mods to delete it for you. o Stating that someone is stalking you is usually enough to remove the information. o If they won’t remove, try to edit it once again with random text. o If you can’t edit it, ignore it. o If it’s a blog, change titles and/or usernames. o Preserve the original URL or username on a blank blog. o Never leave your old username or URL up for grabs. On removing an old E-mail address: o Never delete an e-mail address, simply switch accounts and other items accordingly. o Mark everything else in it as spam, but only if you can’t unsubscribe. o Log into it at least once a month to prevent deletion. o You can, most likely, delete it, after not using it, around a year or two later. o Always make sure the e-mail is no longer tied to any accounts or personal information. o Always wipe it out like any other account by changing as much as possible to randomized text. On account maintenance: o Never use your real name. o Never upload an image of yourself. o Never use your real location. o Never discuss your time zone. o Never discuss your current time. o Always use English, at all times. o Never discuss events happening in your area. o Never mention race or skin color. o Never mention religion. o Never mention sexuality. o Never discuss your hobbies in great detail. o Don’t talk about your fetishes or kinks. o Accounts shouldn’t be cross-linked through various accounts/sites. o If you do, make sure no username is the same. o And make sure no e-mail address displayed is the same. o Use a different e-mail address for each account. o Keep accounts separate if not needed to be linked. o Never link RP accounts to other accounts and social networking profiles o Don’t mention how many pets you have or their names. o The same applies to family members, neighbors, friends, and significant others. o Scrape as much information off of something as possible. o Boil it all down to the core basics. o Never keep an account longer than a year (some exceptions apply). On talking to strangers: o Never display your messenger, Skype or chat names anywhere online. o Give it to others only if they ask you. o Keep all forms of instant messaging and chat private. o Don’t save logs. o Only give out to trusted individuals. o This applies to IRC channels and chat setups. o Lock down as much as possible. o Never use real names or information, ever. o Don’t tell other people who you talk to online. o Never place your full name on Skype. o Limit the profile you have on Skype. o Make sure all Skype options are set to private. o If it can’t be set to private, then set to contacts. o Like Skype, any chat client or instant messenger should be locked down. On behavior: o You’ll most likely have to change the way you behave online. o Sharing interests is fine, but getting too obsessed is bad. o Never admit to liking any specific thing o This can help people tie other accounts to you. o Admitting to things, like, your favorite food can be used to trace too. o In general, you need to keep yourself and your information limited when on the Internet. o Instead of admitting to liking a song, just say you like the band. o This applies specific bands in a genre. o Or any form of entertainment that you specifically like. o Instead of specific parts you like in a game, you just like the game. o Remember: don’t talk about your location. o Don’t talk about your general location in detail. o Don’t mention what it’s known for (produce, exports, colleges, universities…etc). o Don’t make mention of recent weather, as that can be used in junction with other information o Don’t say the exact time. o Be wary of saying exactly what the temperature is. o If the person you’re talking to uses Celsius, then tell the temp in Celsius. o If the person you’re talking to uses Fahrenheit, then tell the temp in Fahrenheit. o Don’t make mention of general information like school names or street names. o Don't make mention eateries/restaurants as they can be unique to your location only. o Always refer to your city/town as a college town. o Never post selfies. o Never post nudes. o Never post porn. o Never post erotica. When getting personal: o Don’t discuss siblings or family members to great extent. o Don’t drop pet names. o Don’t drop the name of anyone related to you. o Don’t drop the name of friends. o Don’t drop the name of politicians. o Don’t drop the names of people you’ve had relationships with. o Keep age to a general rounded number, like, the 20s…etc o Keep personal descriptions down. o Keep weight to a more general descriptor (overweight, obese…etc). On talking about life experiences: o Never do so in the first place. o If you do, don’t let incriminating evidence be traced back to you. o Or at least make sure you can discuss such things in a secure environment. o Also don’t attach anything about you to your online personas and/or accounts. On using custom domains: o Ask your host about Whois masking. o If they don’t offer it, check into other services. On online relationships: o Don’t do online dating. o Don’t sext. o Don’t cyber. o Don’t do erotic roleplay. o Don’t go to online dating websites. o Don’t take part in relationship, dating, sex…etc help sites/forums/chats. Just use common sense. ============================================================== The Paranoid’s Rules The below is a mix of “common sense” rules that don’t have any real place in the above chapters, yet have proven to be somewhat useful. 1. Don't ever use your real name online 2. DO NOT EVER POST YOUR REAL NAME ONLINE 3. Never use the same username, ever, anywhere online 4. Never interlink or make mention of your accounts anywhere online 5. Always use a different e-mail for each account, never mention them online 6. Always use a 10 to 15 character length password 7. Always use a mix of random characters 8. Always change your passwords, if you've logged in recently, at least weekly 9. Never post your IRL location online (state, city…etc) 10. Never post your IRL address online 11. Never give out your phone number, ever 12. Never give out your cell phone number, ever 13. Never post your photos online, ever 14. If you break #13, at least scrub as much Meta-data as possible from your images 15. Never post anything that you, yourself, haven't gotten over 16. If data exists, you are at risk 17. Anonymity is your greatest offense, defense, weapon and friend--don't lose it 18. Never post your e-mail addresses anywhere online 19. You are nothing more than another random user online. Disregard everything that makes you an individual. 20. Choose your battles carefully. There may not be many geniuses out there, but there are plenty of smart idiots. 21. Avoid Social Networks and media 22. If you break #21, remember the previous 20 rules 23. Don't sexualize the Miku 24. Disregard #23; never sexualize anything, ever, you perverts 25. Getting involved in anything pornographic or erotic will lead to your doxing, eventually 26. E-drama isn't drama; it's a temporary temper tantrum 27. Disregard E-celebs, get a personality 28. Don’t drink and surf, or blog, or post, or anything, ever 29. /b/ may be the asshole of the Internet, but Tumblr is the cancer of everything good in the world 30. Doxing and Tumblr go hand in hand, avoid Tumblr 31. Internet dating is a scam, go buy something from Bad Dragon 32. Seriously, don’t E-date, you nerd 33. A fetish is a disorder, and the word misused 34. @#33, a kink is what you have, not a fetish 35. @#34, preferences can be both kinks and/or a fetish 36. @#35, if you can’t get off without something specific or it interferes with your life—it’s a fetish 37. @#36, if you have trouble telling the difference between a fetish, a kink, or a preference—seek professional help 38. Children are smart idiots; don’t let children have their own computers 39. If you ignore rule #38, don’t let them have an active Internet connection 40. In regards to #39, don’t let them have a device with WiFi capabilities 41. Never share an account, ever, with anyone 42. Always logout of an account, if you get up for any extended period of time 43. ALWAYS LOGOUT OF YOUR ACCOUNTS, EVEN IF YOU AREN’T ON A SHARED COMPUTER 44. SERIOUSLY, ALWAYS LOGOUT OF YOUR ACCOUNTS, ESPECIALLY ON A SHARED COMPUTER 45. NEVER LOG INTO AN ACCOUNT IF THE DEVICE YOU’RE USING ISN’T YOURS 46. Don’t bank online, or use your cell phone, or a borrowed device—bank IRL 47. It’s FREEDOM OF SPEECH not FREEDOM OF HARASSMENT—you can use FoS to call out harassment and stupidity, though 48. If you feel threatened, harassed, or don’t want contact—TELL THEM TO LEAVE YOU ALONE 49. @#48, learn to use the block tools and learn to never put trust in anyone or an account 50. @#49, sometimes it’s best to pick up and move to another account to avoid trouble and harassment 51. @#50, it’s the Internet… turn it off and you end trolling and e-bullying 52. Harassment has to mean they threatened you or you told them to leave you alone. It doesn’t mean you felt uncomfortable because of them saying or doing something 53. @#51, learn to move on and ignore, if not: You deserved it 54. The Government may not be your friend, but an individual can 55. @#54, don’t be rude to police, doctors, nurses, military personnel, politicians or anyone, ever 56. @#55, unless they did something illegal or dangerous, then remain on the fence and review all the facts. 57. @#56, always make an educated and well researched decision. Never trust a single source. Sources that contradict or are against each other provide a lot of insight and information one or the other didn’t show 58. Men and Women are corruptible, as are you. Learn what you say and do affects others too, besides yourself 59. Most political movements or (sic) groups aren’t about freedom or (sic)’s agency. Many are for the subjugation of society in the name of equal outcome. Even if it means shared adversity and ignorance 60. They may be men or women of the badge, cloth or science but they are still men and woman 61. Trust but verify 62. Don’t just listen and believe 63. Intelligence doesn’t equate wisdom 64. And wisdom doesn’t equate intelligence 65. An education doesn’t guarantee experience or knowledge 66. A degree and/or diploma is just a piece of paper 67. Everyone does something for a reason, even if they’re unaware of it 68. @#67, there are no Jokers or Banes 69. @#68, the world burning is hardly ever funny to a man who proclaims it to be 70. Always unplug your modem and/or router 71. @#70, always do so when not in use 72. @#71, or when you plan to turn off your computer 73. @#72, just unplug it if you don’t actively need it 74. WiFi is bad, don’t use wireless Internet 75. @#74, if you do, don’t log into anything important lest you risk getting your accounts being hijacked 76. It’s the Internet, not a social meet and greet, stop seeking attention. 77. If you claim to be anything but human on the Internet, expect to be harassed, rightfully so 78. You lie to the Internet and it’ll learn the truth sooner than later 79. The Internet is compromised of mostly normal people who wish to appear to be quirky or unique 80. If you’ve time to complain about your physical appearance or lack thereof… you’ve time to improve yourself 81. Everything is opened to critique if posted online 82. @#81, but learn to critique is to open yourself up to criticism 83. @#82, but to critique someone for critiquing shouldn’t be used as an excuse to silence criticism 84. @#83, though it is better to be a creator than a user 85. @#83, but it doesn’t mean that a user’s criticism isn’t valid 86. @#85, sometimes the customer sees and tastes things the chef does not 87. A username adds weight to your opinions 88. @#87, being anonymous does not 89. @#88, but having a username makes you easier to attack and destroy 90. AVOID USING CAPS ALL THE TIME 91. @#90, basic grammar, spelling and punctuation are your best bet 92. @#91, but avoid using overly complicated words 93. @#92, and avoid being wordy 94. @#93, and avoid using memes, slang or shortened words or phrases 95. Memes are inside jokes exploited and taken from one source and posted to another source 96. @#95, avoid using memes 97. @#96, avoid memes at all cost 98. Simple, blunt and to the point when trying to relay any thought is usually better than a long winded and wordy rant 99. It’s the Internet, not school 100. @#99, It doesn’t mean be an imbecile and forgo all common sense for acceptance 101. Don’t click on unfamiliar links 102. @#101, avoid shortened links 103. @#102, avoid links hidden behind a link shortener service 104. @#103, don’t click on links from strangers 105. @#104, avoid links from people you don’t trust 106. @#105, avoid links in general unless you know exactly what you’re clicking on ============================================================== Opt-out Master-list The purpose of this chapter is to provide you with an up-to-date listing of any and all opt-outs. This means you’ll be able to opt-out of not only known data brokers but several unknown brokers. You'll even cut down on physical mail and e-mail. Many feel this isn’t needed as you have to provide information to remove information, but this is what’s needed. Not just by the law but also for business records. Opt-outs are just you acknowledging a contract made without your knowledge. Instead of ignoring them, you’re stating you don’t want them using or selling your information. It not only helps reduce your online footprint but also helps you cut back on carbon emissions. You also cut back on your exposure online. For now, we've only include the online opt-outs in this PDF. We suggest you finish those and those alone as most of them are interlinked to many of the phone and fax opt-outs. Once you finished those you should wait a month or two before doing other opt-outs. A lot of information will be expunged as you opted out of one or two other sites. Online Opt-outs: These are opt-outs that can be done online through forms or simple links without a pay wall. https://www.10digits.us/ https://www.10digits.us/remove Requires photo ID upload + e-maill addess + page link Make sure to search using all three methods Repeat for each immediate family member in your residence https://www.411.info https://www.411.info/contact/ Find your info, copy the link. Go to the contact link and ask them to remove your info. Provide the link(s) in the message. https://www.500millionphonerecords.com/ https://www.phonedetective.com/PD.aspx?_act=OptOut Follow the instructions on the Phonedetective opt-out link. Repeat for each individual in household and any and all numbers you've owned or recall owning https://www.accutellus.com/ https://www.accutellus.com/opt_out_request.php Follow the instructions on the opt-out page, repeat for all individual in household https://www.Acxiom.com/ https://www.isapps.acxiom.com/optout/optout.aspx (Cookie opt-out can be ignored if you install ad blocking and privacy based add-ons on your rig) For the actual opt-out, just follow the above link and follow the instructions, repeating it for each residence in your house. After each successful entry fill out, you’ll be taken to a new page with a capatcha and a field to confirm the e-mail address Log into your e-mail account, find the confirmation e-mail, and follow the link provided Repeat for each individual in household https://www.addresses.com/ https://www.addresses.com/optout.php Follow instructions on page, repeat for each individual in household https://www.addresssearch.com/ https://www.addresssearch.com/remove-info.php Follow instructions on page, repeat for each individual in household https://www.allareacodes.com/ https://www.allareacodes.com/remove_name.htm Follow instructions on page, repeat for each individual in household https://www.archives.com/ https://www.archives.com/ga.aspx?_act=Optout Follow instructions on page, repeat for each individual in household https://www.checkpeople.com/ https://www.checkpeople.com/optout Follow instructions on page, repeat for each individual in household https://www.corporationwiki.com/ https://www.corporationwiki.com/profiles/public Follow instructions listed on their website. Very few cases, only for businesses and their executives. https://www.coxtarget.com/ https://www.coxtarget.com/mailsuppression/s/DisplayMailSuppressionForm Wait until you’ve received your next “ValPak” packet\envelope Go to Opt-out form\link above Enter information as it is on the envelope You’ve opted out https://www.datalogix.com/ https://www.datalogix.com/privacy/#opt-out-landing https://www.aboutads.info/ (More info here) Find this sentence “If you wish to opt out of all Datalogix-enabled advertising across channels including direct mail, online, mobile and analytic products, and click here.” Follow directions, repeat for each resident of household https://www.dexone.com/ https://www.dexknows.com/ https://www.dexpages.com/index.asp? https://www.dexone.com/privacy-policy https://green.dexknows.com/DexGreen/selectDexAction.do Enter zip code Follow directions If you can’t opt-out, you can do so VIA the Yellow Pages opt-out https://www.directmail.com/ https://www.directmail.com/directory/mail_preference/ Follow directions in second link https://www.dmachoice.org/ https://www.dmachoice.org/register.php Follow directions on website Have to create an account for each member of household https://www.dobsearch.com/ Search yourself, address, phone number…etc Find info Look for “Is this you? Manage your listing!” Follow instructions (You’ll need a valid e-mail address + landline or cell) Repeat for all residences in house (One per 24 hours) https://www.donotcall.gov https://www.donotcall.gov/register/reg.aspx Follow directions Enter phone numbers, cell and/or landline, and an e-mail address https://www.ebureau.com/ https://www.ebureau.com/privacy-center/opt-out Same as DMA choice opt-out, but no accounts; you’ll have to do this with previous addresses too https://www.emailfinder.com/ https://www.emailfinder.com/EFC.aspx?_act=Optout Follow instructions on screen Repeat for each resident in household https://www.epsilon.com/ https://www.epsilon.com/consumer-preference-center https://www.optoutprescreen.com Go to third link and follow their process (only need to be done once) https://www.everify.com https://www.everify.com/legal.php#2 https://www.everify.com/legal.php#remove Follow instructions on page, repeat for each individual in household https://www.experian.com/ https://www.experian.com/privacy/opting_out_preapproved_offers.html https://www.optoutprescreen.com Go to third link and follow their process (only need to be done once) https://equifax.com/ https://help.equifax.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/2/noIntercept/1/kw/prescreen https://www.optoutprescreen.com Go to third link and follow their process (only need to be done once) https://www.everyone411.com/ Go to contact page @ https://www.everyone411.com/contact Provide listing links Request removal Repeat for all individuals in household https://www.freephonetracer.com/ https://www.freephonetracer.com/FCPT.aspx?_act=OptOut Online opt-out form, follow directions. https://www.health.com/health/ https://subscription.timeinc.com/storefront/privacy/health/generic_privacy_form_offline.html?dnp-source=E%20AND%20 https://subscription.timeinc.com/storefront/privacy/health/generic_privacy_form_online.html?dnp-source=E Fill out with your information, repeat for each individual in your household. Make sure to check all boxes in the two opt-out links. https://www.ims-dm.com/ https://www.ims-dm.com/cgi/optoutemps.php Follow directions on second link Enter up to three emails Fill captcha Clear cache and repeat as necessary https://www.infousa.com/ https://www.infousa.com/StaticPage/PrivacyPolicyInfo.htm Look for: Opt Out Policy–Upon a visitor’s request, InfoUSA Inc Read it carefully, scroll down and find the “E-mail form” Fill it out, include your name, birth date, address and phone number. Request all information of yours to be removed, especially anything related to the info you just provided. https://www.infospace.com/ https://www.support.infospace.com/privacy/ Search for “Choice/Opt-out” The link there is old, use this one: https://infospace.com/contact/index.html Select “General inquiry” Provide your name, birth date, address and phone number Request all information of yours be removed, especially anything matching or related to information you just provided https://www.innovis.com/ https://www.innovis.com/InnovisWeb/pers_lc_opt_out.html www.optoutprescreen.com Go to third link and follow their process (only need to be done once) https://www.instantpeoplefinder.com/ https://www.instantpeoplefinder.com/optout.php Follow on page instructions, repeat for each individual in household https://www.locatefamily.com/ https://www.locatefamily.com/contact.html Search for your name on the Left side of the site You’ll find a page or pages containing Names, addresses and phone numbers Find yours; take note of the number next to it Go to the contact page Scroll down for the opt-out\removal form Follow the directions Make sure to provide the information you want deleted in the “Comments” box Repeat for each individual in household https://www.lookup.com/ https://www.lookup.com/optout.php Go to the opt-out link Follow the directions Repeat for each individual in household https://lycos.com https://info.lycos.com/resources/privacy-policy Search for: How can you access or edit your information? Follow directions https://www.mobilephoneno.com/ https://www.mobilephoneno.com/help.htm Search for “How do I delete my entry?” Follow directions https://www.militaryavenue.com/ https://www.militaryavenue.com/Contact.aspx Businesses only But, if you have your information up there, somehow First find said info Go to the contact page Select, from the drop down, “Incorrect Business information” Provide link, info, and ask for removal https://www.myyp.com/ https://www.yellowpagesoptout.com Follow instructions on second link https://www.nationwidecrafts.com/ Find listing Click the suggestion link/light bulb icon Request removal https://www.orientaltrading.com/ https://www.orientaltrading.com/ui/help/processRequest.do?requestURI=link.removeForm Follow instructions on second link https://www.peekyou.com/ https://www.peekyou.com/about/contact/optout Search for yourself Locate your profile and right-click then select 'copy link' Then open a new tab and go to their opt out page and follow the instructions provided. Repeat with each individual in household https://www.peepdb.com/ Enter full name + state Look for city + state in results Can confirm by partial phone # listed Click your result Scroll down Click “Remove This Listing” Follow directions Takes 10 business days One request + IP every 3 days Repeat with each individual in household https://www.peoplebook.com/ https://www.peoplebook.com/support.htm Search for your people book’s results Confirm it’s yours Grab link Go to the support link Follow directions Repeat for each individual in house https://www.peoplefinder.com/ https://www.peoplefinder.com/manage/ https://www.peoplefinder.com/optout.php Go directly to the opt out link Fill in your information Select from the drop down "General privacy concerns" Enter the code word and click submit Repeat for each individual in household https://www.peoplefinders.com/ https://www.peoplefinders.com/manage/default.aspx Search your first, middle and last name in search State + city, too Find your listing, click “this is me” Skip the AD and\or sale section Takes anywhere from an hour to a month Repeat for each individual in household https://www.peoplesearchpro.com/ https://www.peoplesmart.com/optout-go Go directly to Opt-out Enter your name + city and state Find it, click it, and follow directions You will have to make an account Repeat for each individual in household https://www.peoplesmart.com/ https://www.peoplesmart.com/opt-out? Follow the People Smart opt-out instruction You’ll be shown a page of results, locate yours Click the “This is me” Look at the “Business” listings, find anything of yours and click the “This is me” or skip the step if none exist Uncheck all options, except the last two Click “Save Settings” It’ll have you create an account, make sure to use a unique password only for this site and use nowhere else Repeat for each individual in your household (sans the account) Repeat search, but this time with home address applied https://www.peoplewise.com/ https://www.peoplewise.com/show/optoutdisclaimer Go straight to the opt out link Make sure JS and Cookies are enabled Follow the steps; make sure to read the red text When you find your list, click the “Removal” test under the blue button When you’re on your page, within the red text, is a blue link, click it Enter your email address + security code Repeat for each individual in household https://www.phonebook.com/ https://www.whitepages.com/privacy_central#6 Go to Whitepages.com Create an account Search for your information VIA address, name, phone number...etc Claim each and every piece of information that's confirmed as yours Verify through e-mail and phone Then go to your profile Scroll down and request your information to be hidden\removed from the directory Follow the on screen prompts Logout, clean cache Create an account for each individual in household, repeat until finished https://www.phonebooks.com/ Search your name + city and state Find your listing in the results Click on said listing Locate “Remove this person” Follow directions Repeat for each and every individual in household https://www.phonedetective.com/ https://www.phonedetective.com/PD.aspx?_act=OptOut Go directly to opt-out page, follow directions Repeat for each individual in house Also repeat with each phone number you have or recall having https://phonenumber.com/ https://www.whitepages.com/ https://www.whitepagescustomers.com https://www.whitepagescustomers.com/draft-how-do-i-remove-my-people-search-listing/ Create an account Search for your information VIA address, name, phone number...etc Claim each and every piece of information that's confirmed as yours Verify through e-mail and phone Then go to your profile Scroll down and request your information to be hidden/removed from the directory Follow the on screen prompts Logout, clean cache Create an account for each individual in household, repeat until finished https://www.poedit.org/ https://www.poedit.org/auth/removal_request.html Search for your page/information Take link/URL Copy it to the appropriate area listed in the second link Submit Find confirmation e-mail in email address Repeat for each individual in household https://www.privateeye.com/ https://www.peoplefinders.com/manage/ Go to the People Finders link Enter your information On the results page you can refine your searches with age + birthdate Find your results and click "This is me" Follow instructions Repeat for each individual in household https://profileengine.com/ https://profileengine.com/#/help https://profileengine.com/#/claimprofile Search for profile Look for the claim profile option If not present, try the claim profile link above Follow instructions Repeat for each individual in household https://pub360.com https://pub360.com/s/faq Search for your name In results, look for the 'Information Removal' tab Follow instructions provided Repeat for each individual in household https://radaris.com/ https://radaris.com/removal/ https://radaris.com/page/how-to-remove Search for a name. On the search results page, select the name that is most appropriate. On the profile page, click the down-arrow to the right of the name and select "Control Information". From the information control page, choose "Remove information". Here you can choose to remove all information, or to delete specific records. Confirm your real name matches your account and profile name. Enter your cellular phone to receive a verification code. Once the code has been entered, the profile will be private. Repeat for each individual in household https://www.redplum.com/ https://www.redplum.com/tools/redplum-postal-addremove.html Follow the instructions provided on the second link Per known address https://www.reversephonelookup.com/ https://www.reversephonelookup.com/remove.php Go to second link Follow instruction provided Repeat for all known and owned phone numbers https://www.searchbug.com/ https://www.searchbug.com/help.aspx?WHAT=people Search for your name + city and state If “Free record” is shown, you can click the garbage can\remove link to have it removed Repeat for all individuals in house Note: Premium records can't be removed through this process as they require manual removal and cost payment to do so https://www.Spokeo.com https://www.spokeo.com/optout Go to Spokeo Search your First, middle and last name Find your profile/listing by go to the bottom of the page and select "open advance filter" Fill out your information Find your profile/listing, copy the link (note: Right click+ copy link to have a "Clean link" copied) Go to the Opt out link Follow instructions to opt-out Repeat for each individual in house Hint: You’ll need a different e-mail address after so many removals Hint: You may have multiple profiles\links due to previous addresses Hint: Make sure HTTPs is not at the start of the link, if it is just remove the 'S'. https://www.usa.com https://www.peoplesmart.com/ https://www.peoplesmart.com/opt-out Follow the People Smart opt-out instruction You’ll be shown a page of results, locate yours Click the “This is me” Look at the “Business” listings, find anything of yours and click the “This is me” or skip the step if none exist Uncheck all options, except the last two Click “Save Settings” It’ll have you create an account, make sure to use a unique password only for this site and use nowhere else Repeat for each individual in your household (sans the account) Repeat search, but this time with home address applied https://www.usa-people-search.com/ https://www.usa-people-search.com/manage/default.aspx Go to the "Manage" link Enter your information Find your listing Enter Captcha and tick both boxes Repeat for each individual in house https://www.usbizplace.com/ https://www.usbizplace.com/contact-us.html Find your listing with your information Follow directions on the contact-us page Repeat for all listings of yours you wish to remove https://www.webcrawler.com/ https://www.webcrawler.com/support/privacypolicy https://www.webcrawler.com/support/contactus Go to Webcrawler.com, search for your info Select link + note its order in the listing Contact them at the 'Contact us' link Request removal due to privacy concerns Repeat for each individual in household https://www.whitepages.com/ https://www.whitepagescustomers.com https://www.whitepagescustomers.com/draft-how-do-i-remove-my-people-search-listing/ Create an account Search for your information VIA address, name, phone number...etc Claim each and every piece of information that's confirmed as yours Verify through e-mail and phone Then go to your profile Scroll down and request your information to be hidden\removed from the directory Follow the on screen prompts Logout, clean cache Create an account for each individual in household, repeat until finished https://www.valassis.com/ https://www.valassis.com/1024/Contact/MailingListRemoval.aspx Follow instructions on second link Repeat for all known addresses https://www.valpak.com/ https://www.coxtarget.com/mailsuppression/s/DisplayMailSuppressionForm Wait till next envelope comes in the mail Enter the info exactly as it is on the envelope Repeat for all known addresses https://www.wyty.com/ https://www.wyty.com/optout.aspx Enter cell number (or phone number) Select 'Request' Should be removed within 24hrs to a month Repeat for all known numbers https://www.yellowbook.com/ https://www.yellowpagesoptout.com/ https://delivery.ypg.com/en/US/Home/Index/ (Canada opt-out) Follow directions on 'Yellowpagesoptout' link Enter zip\area code Create account Select items to opt-out Repeat for all known addresses https://www.yellowpages.com https://www.yellowpagescom.intelius.com/optout.php Fill out opt-out form Repeat for each individual in household https://www.yellowpagesgoesgreen.org/ https://www.yellowpagesgoesgreen.org/terms_of_service.php?#privacy On the page with your information, look for “Are you the business owner” Click it, select “Delete\remove listing” Simply state your privacy concerns Repeat for each individual in household https://www.ziplocal.com/ https://ziplocal.com/online-privacy-policy/ https://www.ziplocalonline.com/manage-listings To update your listing, use the search box above to look for your business. When you locate your business, simply select the Update Business link and follow the instructions. https://www.zoominfo.com/ https://www.zoominfo.com/lookupEmail You'll be asked to provide your e-mail address They'll search your address against their database You'll receive an e-mail concerning whether or not they've your e-mail address If not, nothing to worry about, but if they do they provide a means to opt-out. Repeat for each individual in household Miscellaneous Opt-outs: This list contains opt-outs that have no direct place but have proven useful. https://www.ameridex.com/ https://www.ameridex.com/privacy.html (review privacy policy for more info) 1. Another website that wants you to send an e-mail or send direct mail\snail mail opt-outs. 2. Also needs court order or proof of potential harm. https://archive.org/ https://archive.org/about/exclude.php https://web.archive.org/web/20140812200246/https://www2.sims.berkeley.edu/research/conferences/aps/removal-policy.html 1. If you're allowed to modify your account or website's HTML, add this somewhere in between the <head> tags 2. <META NAME="ia_archiver" CONTENT="NOINDEX, NOFOLLOW"> https://www.Bing.com https://ssl.bing.com/profile/history?oma=toggle_off 1. Disable personalized nonsense and ads Remove your property's street view on Bing Maps: 1. Go to: https://www.bing.com/maps/ 2. Type home address 3. Get to street view 4. Center squarely on house 5. Look for (?) question mark near bottom right. Becareful as it can be hidden sometimes. 6. Click it 7. Select "Report an image concern" 8. You'll get a pop-up or new tab with a panoramic image 9. Select your house, a little red square will appear then 10. Voice your privacy concern, stating vandalism and potential break-ins by criminal elements who use online maps to scout\case potential targets 11. Fill out the rest of the form + Capatcha, wait 12. Save ticket (#) Number https://www.catalogchoice.org/ 1. Join site with an e-mail and password used nowhere else 2. Search for the catalogs you’ve received 3. Follow instructions to opt-out 4. This site just organizes websites; they aren’t associated with any of them https://courtclick.com/ https://courtclick.com/terms.php https://www.courtclick.com/support/ 1. Look for "Opt Out Policy: Note that public records such as court records can be updated or corrected, but not removed unless expunged, sealed, court ordered or the like." 2. You'll need to have your records sealed first. https://www.emailtracer.com https://www.emailtracer.com/tos.php 1. Search for "Opt Out Policy” 2. Only under certain circumstances https://www.facebook.com/settings?tab=ads&view 1. Edit button in your Ads settings page, selecting No one and saving your changes. https://www.Google.com https://plus.google.com/settings/endorsements https://www.google.com/ads/preferences/ https://history.google.com/history/ 1. These links help make sure your Google data stays yours 2. You can opt-out of having your likes and such shared 3. Help limit ads and similar issues 4. And even help prevent your history on your account from being given out Remove your property's street view on Google Maps: 1. Go to Google Maps and type in your address 2. Bring up the street view of your property 3. Look to the bottom right hand corner of the screen you should see an Icon Labeled: “report a problem.” 4. Click on “report a problem.” 5. You will get a page labeled “report inappropriate street view.” 6. Look for the words “Privacy Concerns” and click on them. 7. If you want your house blurred, click on “my house.” Then choose the option: “I have a picture of my house and would like it blurred.” 8. Adjust the image and show Google which part of the photo needs blurred. 9. Type the verification code at the bottom of the page into the box provided and click submit. 10. Check back in a few days to see if the image has been blurred. https://www.lexisnexis.com/ https://www.lexisnexis.com/privacy/directmarketingopt-out.aspx https://www.lexisnexis.com/privacy/for-consumers/opt-out-of-lexisnexis.aspx 1. requires you to have a court order or police report, but you can remove \some\ information through the Direct Marketing Opt-out, though. https://www.locatepeople.org/ https://www.locatepeople.org/index.php?xpath=privacy https://locatepeople.org/index.php?xpath=lp_optout 1. Can Opt-out only by certain circumstances https://www.jailbase.com/ https://www.jailbase.com/en/opt-out/ 1. Follow instructions on page, only under certain circumstances https://www.justmugshots.com/ https://support.justmugshots.com/forums/21326676-Removal-Services 1. An odd one, but has shown some use https://www.Publicrecordssearchonline.org https://www.publicrecordssearchonline.org/new/faq.php 1. Search for "Q: How can I remove my information from the Public Records Database?" 2. Follow directions provided https://twitter.com/settings/security 1. Through your profile, go to your Security Settings page and uncheck the box under the promoted content section. https://www.Yahoo.com https://www.info.yahoo.com/privacy/us/yahoo/opt_out/targeting/details.html https://www.search.yahoo.com/preferences/preferences? 1. Log into account 2. Disable ads and personalized stuff https://www.Yahoo.com/maps 1. Visit https://www.Yahoo.com/maps 2. Drag the gray icon that resembles a person (top-right) to your street. (If it won’t drag, then your street has not been photographed for Yahoo.) 3. Click on “report image” at the bottom-left of the screen. It will take you to a different website. 4. Click on “request blurring,” and follow the directions. https://west.thomson.com/ https://static.legalsolutions.thomsonreuters.com/static/pdf/opt_out_form.pdf *Only under special circumstances* ============================================================== What to do if doxed This chapter is to help people learn how to react to not only being doxed but harassed through phone or mail. Before we begin, I must note that we’ll forego chapters and mini-sections. There isn’t all that much to say or suggest that isn’t covered by the other testaments and this PDF already. So think of this as nothing more than a simple refresher course or a go-to quick guide. First: If you’re ever doxed, and you’ve never bothered keeping private, you need to learn not to react. Don’t react, ever. Don’t acknowledge it. Don’t taunt. Don’t say they have the wrong information. DO NOT DO ANYTHING! You let them know it’s bothering you and the further they’ll press to get a greater reaction out of you. You just need to take things slow, and if it’s a forum or website try reporting the post and account. But, remember, only do this after you’ve assessed the situation. Also, remember: Even if the information is wrong, don’t react. It could be an attempt at baiting you into providing your real information. Second: Blur out your house on Google, Bing and Yahoo maps. The instructions are below: For Bing: 1. https://www.bing.com/maps/ 2. Type home address 3. Get to street view 4. Center squarely on house 5. Look for (?) question mark near bottom right. Be careful as it can be hidden sometimes. 6. Click it 7. Select "Report an image concern" 8. You'll get a pop-up or new tab with a panoramic image 9. Select your house, a little red square will appear then 10. Voice your privacy concern. Stating vandalism and potential break-ins by criminal elements. 11. Fill out the rest of the form + Capatcha, wait 12. Save ticket (#) Number For Google: 1. Go to Google Maps and type in your address 2. Bring up the street view of your property 3. Look to the bottom right hand corner of the screen you should see an Icon Labeled: “report a problem.” 4. Click on “report a problem.” 5. You will get a page labeled “report inappropriate street view.” 6. Look for the words “Privacy Concerns” and click on them. 7. If you want your house blurred, click on “my house.” Then choose the option: “I have a picture of my house and would like it blurred.” 8. Adjust the image and show Google which part of the photo needs blurred. 9. Type the verification code at the bottom of the page into the box provided and click submit. 10. Check back in a few days to see if the image has been blurred. For Yahoo: Special thanks to /r/n0esc from Reddit! 1. Visit https://www.Yahoo.com/maps 2. Drag the gray icon that resembles a person (top-right) to your street. (If it won’t drag, then your street has not been photographed for Yahoo.) 3. Click on “report image” at the bottom-left of the screen. It will take you to a different website. 4. Click on “request blurring,” and follow the directions. Third: Change your phones’ voice messages to the default robotic one. This is to prevent people from confirming and verifying your number as being related to you. This also hinders people and will push some off of harassing you. Fourth: Never answer the phone for anyone you don’t recognize. Names and phone numbers should always be scrutinized before picking up and answering. If it’s important, they’ll leave a voicemail. Yes, some people will leave harassing messages, too. If you don’t respond or make mention of these messages, no one will known. This will prevent people from getting the satisfaction of knowing they’re getting to you. Fifth: If you’ve the money and time, change your phone number to a new, private and unlisted one. Sixth: Get your mail ASAP. The longer you leave your mail in the mailbox, the sooner someone may snap it up for nefarious means. Always get your mail. Seventh: Don’t open letters or packages you don’t recognize. If you didn’t order or request something in the mail, don’t risk it. If you suspect something, open all packages and letters over a plastic container large enough to house the item you suspect. While wearing gloves, eye protection and a face mask, ensure the item is being openly as carefully as possible. Record and save everything in case of issue. Eight: Look over this PDF, as it provides pertinent information on how to remove your data footprint. Finally, get off the blogs and stop saying things online. It’s better to lurk and learn instead of interacting and putting yourself into danger. ============================================================== Afterword And so ends the Paranoid’s Bible. No matter what you do, as long as you read this and the other PDFs/guides in the “Blue primer” you should be fine from citizens. You won’t be able to outsmart the government and your more tech savvy corporations. This guide and the ones found in the blue primer are meant to help you prevent spying from the average internet user—to prevent dox. We’ll make more PDFs/guides that’ll help you lessen even more of your data footprint and lower your chances of being spied on, however, for now… worry about the citizenry hunting you down like it’s the Salem Witch trials all over again. ============================================================== Questions and Answers Q: Couldn’t Pedophiles use this to hide? A: Pedophiles already use similar tools and actions to hide themselves and their information. We’re simply trying to provide you with the same advantage. Q: Can’t Racists, sexists and other bigots use this? A: Yes, they can. Why not you? Q: Won’t this allow people to dox others? A: And…? This information is commonly shared, constantly. We simply scraped the Internet and all it holds to provide you with this information in one place. If you’re so worried, share and distribute this guide and its supplementary guides. People can remove their “dox” and avoid any issues. Q: But isn’t transparency key to a happy society? Isn’t this hypocritical? A: Don’t use this guide then. You’re not the government, are you? Why would you worry about transparency? You’re a citizen. You should worry about privacy and security while pressuring the government to be transparent. Q: What’s the worst that can happen, food being sent your house? A: Sexual aides; Mormon or Muslim missionaries; magazine subscription; identity theft; someone being unstable enough to escalate it into physical harm; Tumblr; Feminists; past abusers; NSA; FBI; Swatting; Scientologists; Surprise Furry…ETC Q: Will you ever make a guide for UNIX or Linux or whatever it’s called? A: Most of us have lives, jobs, studies or other personal responsibilities. We’ll try to get to it when we can. Q: This guide is to US-centric! A: This guide was made with US citizens in mind. Most of its information can be applied to citizens of non-US countries. We’ll work on other similar PB’s when we have the time, research and material. Q: I knew this already! A: And others didn’t. Q: Why not sell this information? A: We are giving it away, for free, because it’s just a repository of information readily available online. It isn’t 100% our work or knowledge. Why make money off of someone else’s work? Q: How updated will this be? A: As much as possible for us. Q: Can I contribute information? A: Sure! Just let us know what you wish to contribute, what pseudo-name you wish to go by in the “Contribution” page, and give us as much information and research (links…etc) as possible to backup what you wish to provide. Q: I have found some opt-outs; can I share them with you? A: Yes! We’d appreciate any information you can provide about opt-outs we missed or new sites to opt-out of. The more opt-outs provided the less information online. Q: Couldn’t terrorists use this to hide their plans? A: They already do, why not have the information for yourself too? Q: I’m with the government and— A: Provide a time stamped and dated image with today’s news paper, proof of position, and a homemade ham sandwich. Q: As a part of Gamergate, I wish to say tha— A: You’re welcome, but this applies to any and all groups online…even if Ghazi or a Literal Who uses it to remove their information. Q: What about a testament (supplementary guide) about paranormal defense? A: Provide us with proof of the paranormal and the head of a cryptid and we’ll consider it. Q: What about a testament (supplementary guide) on proper disposal of religious objects? A: Too varied and too complicated at times. Maybe one concerning a common religion like Christianity and its sects? Q: A guide to dumpster diving? A: Couldn’t hurt, we’ll see. Q: The Paranoid’s bible is too complicated! A: We’re working on refining it. Q: Wouldn’t opting out of sites and databases provide them information? A: Most likely they already have your information. Think of opting out of these places as acknowledging a contract they have with you already. You’re simply taking advantage of it and stating “Well, alright, but remove my information now.” That’s all opting out does—you acknowledging they have your information and you wanting it removed or withheld from the Internet and prying eyes. Q: I think this information is very limited and laughable. A: We’re doing the best we can with our extremely tight schedules. You can provide more information and address where something went wrong. Q: I’ve witnessed a spelling error or improper grammar. A: Oh dear lord, please tell us where! We’ll fix it ASAP! Q: A link is dead! A: What is the link? Do you know of a secondary source to replace it or if it’s a simple error like a missing character? What about an archive to replace it with? Q: Why are you so paranoid? A: Why aren’t you? Q: Could this be applied to active military personnel or people working the law force or in the government? A: Yes, but realize that the government offers the above individuals, sometimes, special steps and programs that they can take or participate in to help further remove their information from the Internet. Please consult your Human Resources department or ask someone above you about what you can do. Possibly it was already addressed VIA a memo or manual. Some sites, though, offer an easier route to take to expunge your information for simply being related to someone who’s classed as a law officer, military personnel or a government employee. Q: Isn’t this information illegal? A: Truthfully, at the most, it’s a legal grey area. Q: Can’t people use this information for illegal purposes? A: It’s all up the reader, we just made it available. Q: What prevents them from not following through with the requested opt-out? A: Various DPPA and GLBA laws, besides several other items. Q: Won’t this prevent background checks and limit your job possibilities? A: No. It will not. This simply scrubs the information and hides it from the public’s eyes. Many background checks demand you sign a release per FCRA guidelines. No one can legally run an investigative search on you without your express permission. You also will have to realize that all legitimate, legal background checks (for hiring purposes) are not only paid for but go through the proper government channels, not some data miner’s site.

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hellosophrosyne · 6 years

Text

2017 recap

6/2/2018

Fun fact: I used to be very active and present with myself in the sense that I would journal quite often on a blog. My form of therapy. And one of my absolute faaavorite things to do in the beginning of each year was to recap each month of the year that had just past just so I would always remember what the heck I got myself into someday when I’m old and trying to remember my life.

I haven’t done a recap in YEARS, but I still kept my makeshift calendar/planner that I used in 2017, even though it’s already halfway through 2018 already. I think I kept it so I could try and recap it on here sometime when I could... & I guess that time is now, so...

(it’s currently 2AM, I just said goodnight to you on ftime, so here i gooo)

JANUARY

January looks like it was a boring month by the look of how little I wrote on here. I think I was depressed still. From failing my boards in October 2016. I had rescheduled my retake for the NCLEX on February 8, 2017. All I have written down is checkboxes of “150″ as a reminder that I should do at least 150 practice questions before going to sleep. But whoa, looks like I happened to go to my little’s installs this month too. Feels like that was ages ago. I can’t believe my old ass actually crossed a little sis even though it was years later. It’s too bad the chapter died, and I wish we were closer. Our age gap plays a big factor, but I’m glad I met someone like her.

FEBRUARY

February 8th- I retook the NCLEX. Most stressful day ever. Thank god I actually have a youtube video commemorating that entire day. I remember eating lunch with Sarah after and just crying because I did the hack into the site to see if I could get the results early and it looked as if I actually passed. Even though it was still uncertain, I had some peace of mind.. and found out I officially passed 2 days later at 6AM when my mom came barging in to show me my name on the official boards website. I remember I was sooo into yoga during this month. I thought it really helped. I was gaining all this flexibility, finding a sense of peace within my body partnered with daily practicing of meditation. Like damn, I need to incorporate that kinda stuff in my life right NOW. I went to Bear Valley to check out the snow. Got to ride in my first snow mobile kinda thing... I would totally do it again. I tried AcroYoga with Jessy, first and only time. I kinda wanna try another class again. I got invited by an old high school friend to go see the FIreFall at Yosemite. Such a crazy experience, getting to wait around with hundreds of photographers just for one opportune moment where the waterfall looked like it caught fire just for 3 minutes. At this time too, I was heading to SF a lot to have dinner with everyone I could. Still working at the job that I hated, training to be supervisor. I think this was the month they tried to screw me over too, trying to make me do things I was never trained to do.

MARCH

My 23rd birthday month. This month felt freeing. I started applying to anywhere and everywhere. Had dinner with Freda (my therapist friend) (i have to document whenever I see her because i feel like i never see her), started planning my Havasupai trip with the girls (Jessy, Veronica, Britney, Sherry, Amanda). Getting fitted for backpacking backpacks, buying backpacking gear... SHIT BE EXPEEENSIVE. For my birthday weekend, me, Jessy and Veronica headed to LA and got to spend the entire time just being gluttonous, going to disneyland, being housed by Johnny Ta. Never felt so carefreee and wreckless with my money. and whoa, I just remembered now.. i was STILL vegan at this time! We went to this $$$ vegan sushi place.. had vegan take out.. dude my friends are so cool to have gone through 2 years of dealing with my lifestyle choices hahaha.

APRIL

I started my BSN online school this month. Had 2 interviews and got both jobs. Got the job at DMC and right after I got the OK that I got accepted, I QUIT THAT B-ass job and vowed to go a little bit crazy and treat myself to 4 months of doing whatever the F I wanted (they told me my start date would be in July). It was Tien’s birthday, and he wanted to go to Pismo so we did. He rented out this hugeass house and we had a house full of 20 people but somehow we all still had beds. Me and veronica sand dune buggied for the first time and stayed safe while everyone else was being wreckless AF. Went to Fresno for my baby niece’s birthday. Hiked mission peak. Went to Hometown heroes for the first time. Went to the outlets with Jayne. And wtf.. it says here on my calendar I went to Vegas??? Wuuut. With who LOL.

---- ok so i had to reupload snapchat to my phone just to see if I had documented it in any way. AND I DID. This vegas trip was supposed to be celebrating one of the newer girls’ birthdays, but me, kat, and tiahs flight got delayed for days so we ended up going to that club. The club where I saw YOU for the first time in 5ever and realized that hey, you are one cutie. But I didn’t think much of it then, just that I remembered you were the first guy I recognized as cute for the first time in what seemed like forever at that time. So long since I had found anyone cute that it was something I HAD to document and tell my girlfriends about because it had felt like such a huge milestone. That I was finding some attraction to someone physically for the first time in years. Maybe that’s why I was so drawn to you in the first place, when I saw your snapchat pop up just a few weeks later. (but too bad you didn’t feel the same about meeee that night lololol)

MAY

What a fun month. My big bro took me to True food Kitchen where we had the BEST vegan flan, it was insane. We have to try it if we ever go. I went to Utah/Arizona with my parents for 2 weeks. Saw the ‘seven magic mtns’ in vegas, went to see a LOT of red rock, hiked my first water hike into a canyon (kanarraville falls), went 4wheel driving into a desolute absolute no service area to a place called White Pocket which was absolutely beautiful. Saw horseshoe bend, went to grand staircase-escalante for the coolest canyon hike I’ve ever attempted where you have to squeeze through the small canyon walls (remind me to show my snap story from this day to you someday), hiked to see waterfalls. Damn looking back.. I was pretty active this month. In just one week after coming back from Utah, only had to head out again to Havasupai with the girls. We flew into vegas, got our rental van, drove it to Arizona, slept in the van (but i couldn’t). Woke up at 3-4am to start our hike into the Indian reservation. Made it to the campsite at noon (after taking a faaatass 3 hr break at the village). Saw the most beautiful waterfalls I’ve ever seen in my life. Hiked back, drove to horse shoe bend, saw antelope canyon, then trekked it back to vegas to have the most amazing “last hoorah” if you may call it that. Because not only was it my last trip in vegas to document to this day, but it was the best because it was 100% free and we had complimentary tables and bottle service the entire damn weekend. It was also the time your name finally popped up on my snap. I added you, but you never got to see my last day in vegas snaps go through LOL. Good thing though, you woulda just seen a bunch of bad singing to loud alesso songs. Straight after this weekend, I had Lemonade for the first time with Arielle (what an expensive ass place LOL). Jeez what a jam packed month. I can’t believe that was literally just a year ago.

JUNE

~~~~ exciting things start to happen

June was the month when we started texting. I planned my whole solo LA trip to see the Kingdom Hearts Orchestra, and I remember I was texting you the entire time. JUNE 17 [i marked it in my calender] was our first lunch/ idk date at the korean place. Ugh so crazy, it’s SO SO crazy that here I am writing this post on June 2, 2018, when our first real interaction was just 11 months and 2 weeks ago. Time flies. What a successful first meal together. I remember being so nervous because I didn’t want to scare you off by the fact that I didn’t eat meat and that I was barely starting to eat fish again (in preparation for Hawaii). We had the most amazing lunch partnered with no phones, just plain conversation. It was seriously just so nice. and so innocent. I knew at that moment that I was in dangerous waters, feeling so attracted to you and not knowing how to deal with these new emotions I haven’t felt in so long. But I was accepting and ready for whatever was to come.

I ended up going to Hawaii for 2 weeks (Kauai|Oahu). We were playing loads of phone tag here. I feel like both of us were drinking, trying to build up liquid courage and give us a reason to talk late at night on the phone. I remember you texted me once this month too something like “so why doesn’t someone like you have a boyfriend?” :p Ugh, it makes me smile just thinking of how we were when we were just barely starting.

JULY

I went to my classmate Sarah’s wedding. I think at this time I was already smitten by you and our random phone calls here and there. JULY 11 ~~ (again written on my planner) was our ICHI date. I personally didn’t know what to expect from this, if it was a date or not. When you put your arm around me when walking to that ice cream place (smitten?), to us awkwardly trying to cozy up at your house watching those movies. Me being an alcoholic just tryna BRING SOME LIQUID COURAGE into our lives. HAHA do you remember how you wouldn’t kiss me after I *ahem*? Ohhhhh how times have changed.

Because of how well this date went, (and how we both knew you were leaving so soon already to socal), we halfhazardly made a new date on July 15, to go to Land’s End. I remember all I wanted to do was just see you again. Confirm if that night was just a fluke or if there really was something there. I didn’t plan to stay that night..... but I did. And there we went, kissing for hours and hours until I had to go. (can you believe I went to 6flags the following day, i was fucking crazy man). You officially moved to Anaheim shortly after this... I wasn’t sure when the next time I would see you next (IF I would even see you again). But I’m so sosooo happy we remained in contact, probably even stronger than ever, with late night calls, constant texting. I went to the John Mayer concert with my big bro at the end of this month and I remember I just could not stop talking about you or to Johnny Ta about you (since he came up for the concert as well). I was soooooo sprung (i still am soooo sprung babe). Talking with you was so exciting. I feel like my personality had been brightening up with each passing day we got to know each other more.

AUGUST

I don’t know how it happened, but I decided I was going to drive to see you that one fateful weekend (August 12-15). I had already started my job just 2 weeks prior, but already I wanted to drive down to see this guy I went on 3 dates with? Ugh. I am SO glad I did. I remember feeling so uncertain if things were gonna pick up from where they left off.. if things were going to be awkward.. if we were going to be “fuckbuddies” or something more. I needed moral support, so I made plans to see Veronica that first day I came. We ate at EMC, went to the OC fair, then headed to the packing house to drink a little at kettle bar. Met up with Blake and then you finally showed up and man, what. a. whirlwind. of a night. Headsup, drinking, lots of snowboarding, you attacking my neck/face while I was trying to brush my teeth... I remember specificially at THIS moment, I felt like we were already SO comfortable with each other. Everything just flowed so easily. From the way we kissed, to the way we brushed teeth next to each other, from the way we slept together (for the first time), to the way we cuddled in bed. It felt SO natural for me. (I wonder how it felt for you). I felt like it was such a big deal too... everyoneeee knew my business at this time. I feel like every single one of my friends became such huge supporters of me “putting myself out there” after I had been solitary and avoiding all men for so long. I had created such a persona for myself that even blake and veronica the following morning thought that we didn’t even do it. Which was fine with me (although down there I was a little bit dying already. felt like I had lost my vcard all over again tbh). Waited for you to get off, and you took me to Tanakaya for the first time. Then we headed to the 626 night market. Went home and drank whooo knows what that night that we had to go get pho the following morning and brodards to top it all off. Remember waiting in line for hours for that .86 cent coffee? We ended up taking a nap then going to Laguna Beach before deciding to go to Kang Hodong for the vurry first time. Damn, all these lowkey traditions were formed just from this first weekend together, now that I’m reflecting on it all. The next day was when I had to leave... we had tanakaya (AGAIN), then I had to head back home :’(. And I remember feeling so... sad. I realized I felt so so excited and full of happiness being with you.

But crazy enough, you came to visit me in Modesto literally less than a week later. I was wearing my Burgundy scrubs, we went to get Crown Royal.. I’m sure you remember how the rest of night goes. Damn we were all up on that yayyy this whole beginning of our relationship LOL.

Then literally 5 days later on August 25, I came to see you in SJ, got hyped up on too much black coffee, watched HIMYM, met your parents, ate at sushi confidential.. We already seemed to have done so much in so little time, but I wasn’t complaining. Even though we werent official, or even had the talk of wondering what we were, all I knew is that I just needed to keep seeing you, and I didn’t care how.

SEPTEMBER

SEPTEMBER 3 ~~ aka labor day weekend, another 4 days I had off work. I had Guads for the first time! Chilaquiles. I think this weekend was when I literally had to study for my EKG test. I tried 1/2 of my first sweetbird sandwich. Went to that one vietnamese place MY’s kitchen with Hieu, David, and Michael. Had my first Michelada and was like whoooa, this beer is meant for my taste buds.

I tried out the wine bar here in modesto based off Yosemite with Cassandra. Such a cute place, I would totally take you here someday.

This was a pretty jam packed month at work for me. I had tons of tests going on and all I wanted to do was be finished with it because I wanted to see you again.

SEPTEMBER 29 ~ I flew down to SD to get picked up by veronica to head to LA. We were housed again by Johnny Ta after we hiked up this “wisdom tree trail” and saw the psychic who told me that me and you are soulmates. Even though I knew I was taking this time to bond with my friends, you were the only thing that consumed my mind. I just wanted to talk to you, be with you, call you to hear your voice.

OCTOBER

OCTOBER 1-3 ~~ Veronica drove me to fatty tuna and you ENTRUSTED ME WITH YOUR CAR for the first time. The next day, we tried Meiji Seimen before going to the Botanical Gardens and going to Newport Beach. Interesting enough, I don’t have many pictures of this weekend... so I can’t remember much of what we did. But this trend of us drinking a lot LOL jeeeezzuhs. This was a very very short trip, but I was so happy I got to see you. EVEN THOUGH I already made plans to see you just a week later.

OCTOBER 8-12 ~ we went to Sun Non Dang with Drew and Wonnie(?) for that galbi jim that i wanna try ohhhh so bad again. After, we went to Puzzle Bar where I met Kevin. This was a weekend where you were starting to work a lot a lot at sweetbird so we really didn’t have too much time together. It was also when that huge fire happened in the hills that caused that apocolyptic looking sky when I went to have orange roll sushi during one of your lunch breaks. (we went to try out that indian place the next day too and tanakaya for dinner). Although we didn’t get to spend a real day together this trip, it really was everything to be there for you to come home to. We WERENT EVEN OFFICIAL HERE YET, but I felt like we had something real.

OCTOBER 20 <33333 ~ was our planned staycation in san mateo. the time where you slept in through your alarms and missed your morning flight :p. We had brunch with your mom, headed to burlingame, went to eat at b street & vine, and i asked you out with a card I made. #makinmoves

This day was fulll of wonddderrrrful lovemakin, ugh. The couch...the table..the king sized bed... the blackout curtains. We had shabu before I had to say goodbye :(

NOVEMBER

My calender says I visited you Nov 1-6, but I don’t have any recollection of what we did :c. Maybe someday I’ll go through my harddrive and try to find out...

I went to Napa with Jessy this mid November! We had the BEST pasta I’ve ever had in my life (MUST TAKE YOU), so much wine. i trimmed my hair for the first time in 3 years. I randomly got my car November 17 out of necessity from my truck tires being unreliable.

I went to visit you Nov 19-22 (again another trip I don’t have any pics from rn...) and we flew back together Wednesday morning! I think this is when I watched stranger things season 2 at your parents house, we went out with the guys, and the next morning was thanksgiving (when I had to work) and we had that amaaazing *** in the bathroom hehe. Right before eating at that vietnamese hotpot place. I had to say goodbye to you yet again... i sang to you that eric bellinger song (what you want). I knew I was going to see you literally a week later, so I was excited. Just had to work 5 days and I knew I would be with you again.

DECEMBER

This was my first 8 day trip visiting you and it was JAM. PACKED. This was when we made an LA trip to go see Museum of Ice cream, LACMA, went to the counter for the beyond burger. The fail to see the sunset at griffith observatory. Disneyland with Jayne/JJ, Anny and her boo. The day after disneyland, you had work until dinnertime where we went to NANA SAN, and had omakase with jj and jayne. Again, I think Im gonna have to go through my harddrive and see what other pictures I may possibly have to remind me more about this weekend, but it’s all a little bit hazy for me right now.

Jessy’s bday was this month. Ate at her workplace Kokkari, saw the christmas tree at union square.

I went to visit you Dec 17-20, you gifted me the calpak that I use now everyyyyytime I travel thank you baby. We also ate at sushi confidential with Vanessa. (THIS WAS ALSO THE TIME I WAS STARTING TO GET SICK AND I WAS SICK THAT ENTIRE DAY CUS OF THOSE HOT CHEETO CURDS)

I worked for days in a row but had christmas off, which was when I came to visit you and your family. Had dinner at your aunt/uncles place. The next day you made ratatouile and we had taco night at your house. And boy was I sick.... This was probably the fastest sickness I had ever experienced surprisingly. Typically, I will cough for weeks... but idk, maybe you just took care of me well :)

I then had to say bye to you just for a couple more days before getting to visit you just in time for our first NEW YEARS EVE!

AND THAT, is my 2017 recap. Going through it now, I can only see how much of an impact you have had in my life right from the very very start when we first “met.” I am so happy to have met you and I can’t believe how lucky I am to be cared for and loved by somebody so amazing as you.

I have so much more to say, and so much more love to give, but i started writing this at 2, and it is now 350AM, T__T.

I am gonna try to head to sleep now, I can’t wait to hear your voice in the morning. I LOVE YOU OTTER. You’re seriously the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

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