#which makes no sense considering some of the things the DL guys call you but whatever I guess

[pinersquad]

Acdsee photo editor 11 review

#ACDSEE PHOTO EDITOR 11 REVIEW WINDOWS 10#

#ACDSEE PHOTO EDITOR 11 REVIEW PRO#

#ACDSEE PHOTO EDITOR 11 REVIEW SOFTWARE#

#ACDSEE PHOTO EDITOR 11 REVIEW TRIAL#

#ACDSEE PHOTO EDITOR 11 REVIEW PROFESSIONAL#

#ACDSEE PHOTO EDITOR 11 REVIEW SOFTWARE#

I think you are at the point where you need to DL the trials of both and compare for yourself.ACD Systems has announced the latest version of its ACDSee photo management and editing software for PC. I saw nothing in the standalone ACDSee Editor that would limit the article's relevancy to it. Several years ago, I wrote an article on LIght EQ describing just how useful this tool is.: I like the ACDSee User interface better, and certain features are better in ACDSee Editor.ĪCDSee Editor includes the Light EQ tool which makes it fairly easy to maximize all the dynamic range your camera can collect. Things that the ACDSee editor either lacks or which relies on the other modules in the Ultimate product to produce. It offers HDR, Focus stacking, and Panorama stitching. When comparing the two editors in a features list, I think Affinity Photo stands out.

#ACDSEE PHOTO EDITOR 11 REVIEW TRIAL#

I have both Affinity Photo and ACDSee Ultimate, and I just uninstalled the Trial version of the ACDSee standalone editor so I will have to rely on generic platitudes and my memory of those things I examined on the ACDSee Editor. Sorry for the delay, I just saw this post. )? Are they both in the same league? DAM and related is not important for me. can you briefly compare it with Affinity, keeping in mind that you have and use both (. If even you think that this editor is kind of cool. Good to see that the product is getting better and ACDSee guys do not sleep. As a result, I can use my NIK tools plugins which are installed in the Appdata location, but not my Topaz plugins which are installed in their own unique locations.Ī photographer who doesn't need all the Photoshop tools that an Art Director might need could do worse than this editor. While the version built into ACDSee Ultimate allows one to point to anywhere a plugin is installed as well as the Appdata location. "./Appdata/Local/ACDSee Systems/3rd Party Plugins" The only major difference I can see so far is (and it may not be important to others) is that It will only allow 3rd party plugins that are installed in: I can't claim it's identical, I haven't played with it enough to say that with absolute certainty. If you don't need the ACDSee DAM tool and don't want the hassle of managing XMP files and the ACDSee version of virtual copies (called Snapshots) outside of the ACDSee DAM, this comes very close to that level of raw development. I felt I can get fairly close to what I would get with the ACDSee raw, "Develop" tab in Ultimate. However, it is non-destructive in the sense that the raw file is not altered.Īpparently, ACDSee Systems is more aggressive in improving their product line than even I thought!Īfter playing a bit with Editor 11, I think it's kind of cool. Instead, it opens the raw file and allows you to edit and save the image as a bitmapped file (jpg, png, tif, etc), in addition to the ACDC project file format. After your post, I DL'd the free trial and played a bit with it.Īpparently, this version of the editor CAN open raw files! However, it doesn't do a true nondestructive raw development. Consider me humbled! And not a little red-faced. It has been a while since I last looked in on to the Standalone editor! Apparently, some new features have been added. I can download another trial version or/and another manual, but am fully sure that you already know the answer.

#ACDSEE PHOTO EDITOR 11 REVIEW PRO#

What it can not do - but Studio Pro can? Am I missing something? Talking about raw: Photo Editor 11 can open a raw file (say.

#ACDSEE PHOTO EDITOR 11 REVIEW WINDOWS 10#

I have never known it to be particularly slow, but I have been using Windows 10 since before this editor was released. I really like staying within the same user interface and color management environment whenever possible. I use the ACDSee Editor module about as much as I do Affinity. I have both the ACDSee Ultimate program and Affinity Photo. Is it as complete as Photoshop? NOPE! Not even close! But it is a very good and reliable editor that will do almost as much at a fraction of the cost. It does adjustment layers, and supports most standard *.8bf photoshop plugins. I would be surprised if the latest standalone was any different. Aside from the ability to function as a standalone, it was identical to that of the "Ultimate" Editor module of its generation. I don't own the current version of the standalone Editor, but I do have the previous version. In fact, it IS the same module as Photo Editor 11, only enough additional infrastructure was added, to allow it to function as a stand-alone editor program without the DAM or the Raw development. The bitmapped editor in "Pro" is the standard 'touch-up' editor that ACDSee has used for 15 years at least (with a few improvements over the years, but still a basic touch-up editor.) The editor module in "Ultimate" is virtually identical to Photo Editor 11.

#ACDSEE PHOTO EDITOR 11 REVIEW PROFESSIONAL#

ACDSee's raw development is only available through ACDSee Photo Studio Professional and ACDSee Photo Studio Ultimate. The stand-alone photo editor does not have a raw development feature.

[carlatsukinamistolemyhamsandwich]

You write for jjk?

Not at the moment. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it but I haven't had any big ideas for it (yet) and I still have a lot of planned DL projects to get through.

I do think it's possible I may end up writing a Sukuna or Gojo one shot at some point (I don't think I would write for any of the others because even aged up I wouldn't feel comfortable writing anything with the students and none of the other curses/sorcerers interest me all that much in terms of writing them).

I'm not going to turn this into a multi-fandom blog, so if I do end up writing anything then I'll just post it on AO3 and provide a link here for anyone interested.

In spite of my Gojo posting last night, Shin is, and I suspect will always be, my number one by like an absolute mile so he gets priority in terms of fic-writing but I could do with expanding my writing ability a bit by adding some new characters to my roster.

Anyway TL;DR I have not written anything for JJK yet.

[everything-laito]

the FBI agent looking at my computer must be so incredibly concerned. Here’s Laito and Cordelia analysis, Part II

Hiya, Corn here! This is Part II of this analysis series! Part one’s here! 

Not getting into the trauma part of it yet. Just explaining abusive power dynamics and how incestuous relationships work. As well as Stockholm syndrome. Lovely! Lovely combo! Fuck!!!

Same trigger warnings as last time still apply!

As always, rant under the cuuuuut!

Ok, from last time, we’ve established the elements that were set in place for Cordelia to do this to Laito, when Laito’s trauma began, and the possible fact that he was groomed as a child for sexual exploitation. Wow. Yay. Amazing. This is so gross!!! Thanks, I hate it!!!! I know I usually cary these topics with just an informational tone but I just can’t with this ;lskfjklsajf But I’m here typing this, you’re here reading this, so let’s just get on with the grossness!

Section 3: Legal Definitions of Incest and Power Dynamics 

Now we’re gonna get into the flesh of the problem, and what we know happened. From last time, and common DL knowledge, Laito was coerced into having sex with Cordelia. I say coerced, rather than forced, because it’s not like Laito seemed to resist it. He seems to “willingly” give Cordelia that. Is dubious consent, consent? Oh fuck no, and dubious or coerced consent shouldn’t even count in here considering it’s straight up incest. Any type of incest, most especially between a parent and a child, is not considered consensual, even if it “technically is.” That’s how it’s handled in a court of law, at least in America (where I’m from and reside in), and I do agree with that morally as well. A “romantic” and sexual relationship between a parent (or adult family member; aunt, grandfather, etc) and a child (is just gross) preys upon the power dynamic between them. This isn’t any consensual BDSM power dynamic (obviously), or a constructive power dynamic in the workplace; it’s just a power dynamic already instilled into the relationship where it is taken advantage of. That’s not just fucked up incest, that’s an example of a toxic relationship from the get go. Also, there’s a power dynamic usually between a parent and child, but that doesn’t mean it’s always toxic. It just needs to be done responsibly, which good parents (or any adult in power) know how to maneuver around it and not take advantage of it for manipulation etc. 

In healthy relationships, you both start on equal ground. It usually never works out if you don’t see the other as an equal, whether you have a predisposed power dynamic at the beginning or not. I’m talking any relationship; family relationships, friendships, romantic, sexual, etc. Although you older folks might know about BDSM and how there’s a “power dynamic” instilled in the relationship, a chosen and consensual “power dynamic” still involves both parties seeing the other one as an equal––intrinsically. It’s just very different than a predisposed power dynamic. That even goes with friendship too! Or any kind of healthy, nontoxic social interaction! Taken directly from Psychology Today, “Shared power creates happy individuals and satisfying interactions.” People need to be on equal ground in order to have a healthy relationship. Which,,,, we know does not happen with Cordelia and Laito (and Laito and Yui for that matter, but that’s during another part of this series). An article I saw during the research of this explains further about how power dynamics can be constructive. This focuses more on the workplace, but it applies to this because it’s looking at the other person as another person (an equal) but uses that predisposed power for encouragement, empowerment, and constructiveness (like a good parent or adult role model would do). I hope this makes sense!

Basically Cordelia is abusing her power in order to do all this to Laito. That’s why grooming would make a lot of sense in this as well, because we know it’s definitely not the first time Cordelia has taken advantage of a power imbalance to her own selfish benefit. That’s why incest isn’t really explained with the same science as pedophilia. I forget if I’ve mentioned it before, but one way pedophilia can occur in a person if their brain was originally biologically wired in a way that sees children as sexual objects. With incest, it could also work like that as well, but it is mainly power abuse, like most sexual exploitation, harassment, assault, etc is. 

Section 4: Incest (I’d make a sweet home Alabama joke but that’s low hanging fruit)

Ok so now that we’ve gone over the legality of incest, and how power dynamics can be taken advantage of, we’re gonna look into the type of incest (yes apparently there are types) that Cordelia and Laito fits into. Also if this already wasn’t clear or anything, hi incest and pedophilia etc are forms of abuse, there is no justifying it at all. It’s abuse, no matter what’s said. I know these are fictional characters but I sometimes see Ayato x Cordelia and Laito x Cordelia etc posts and I kinda just wanna commit heinous crimes whenever I see that. Just the idea of that absolutely sickens me (on top of the abuse shown in DL already). Anyways, after all of that out of the way, let’s go into this. 

Since Laito is biologically 17, I’d say that he’s considered as a child (teenager) by demon world standards. We don’t know his age when Cordelia first physically exploited him, but we do know that his same “teenage” sprite is used during the flashbacks. Since his trauma fits so well with the aftermath definition of parent/child incest, I’m just gonna give y’all information on that. This is also called “child incestuous abuse,” which is also a form of child sexual abuse. 

I learned an interesting factoid researching this, and that is in Japan, the most commonly believed incestuous relationship was between mothers and sons. In the West, we think of fathers/daughters. In Japan, the media covers more on mother/son incestuous acts; while statistically, more father/daughter incestuous acts are taken place. Just something interesting(?) I found, and probably why DL chose that for storytelling too. 

In this Wikipedia article, taken from a scientific paper (I’d take it directly from the source but you need an account to get in and I think you need to pay for it), it says this:

A study of victims of father–daughter incest in the 1970s showed that there were "common features" within families before the occurrence of incest: estrangement between the mother and the daughter, extreme paternal dominance, and reassignment of some of the mother's traditional major family responsibility to the daughter.

Sure, this talks about father/daughter incestuous relationships, but if we take this and reverse most of the roles, it shows Laito’s situation to a T:

Estrangement between Karlheinz and Laito 

Extreme maternal dominance (aka Cordelia being very abusive/manipulative)

Reassignment of some of the parental responsibility to Laito (there’s many examples of “big bro Laito,” and Ayato and Kanato considers that they used Laito as a “sacrifice”––as a “shield” for the both of them. Sure this isn’t explicit parental responsibility shown through Laito but I’d say he acts more like a family member to Ayato and Kanato too)

Section 5: Stockholm syndrome? With parental figures? 

Laito had some interesting situations occur during this whole thing with Cordelia. One of the most infamous scenes from the game (that’s also illustrated in the HDB manga) is a flashback Laito has where he’s locked up, forced to see Cordelia and Richter have sex. He’s appalled by the fact at first, but then attempts to convince himself that he’s into it. However, I won’t get into the effects until the next part. 

I didn’t find much about Stockholm syndrome being in this specific case with incest and kidnapping a child etc. When you look up Stockholm syndrome related to parents you get quite the sexist “article” that definitely mocks the whole Stockholm syndrome thing and makes fun of guys being into Glee and such,,,, so that wasn’t a very helpful article. However, I’m just gonna mish mash and put a lot of concepts that we’ve learned together. But first, a look into Stockholm syndrome.

Stockholm syndrome occurs when an abuse victim develops empathy or even intimate feelings for their abuser or captor. This happens because any bit of kindness the abuser enacts towards their victim is taken so positively, that the victim “forgets” all the negative actions, and focuses on the positive ones. This isn’t some sort of “oh ya gotta think positive!” kind of thing, it’s how abusers get away with their bullshit and how someone can be so trapped in a relationship with them. It’s also called traumatic bonding or victim brainwashing (source). This doesn’t always happen with people who are held hostage, like in Stockholm syndrome’s name origin.

A parent’s influence can be a strong one. Doesn’t even have to be related to by blood. But a figure that is supposed to be nurturing—whether they are or not—still has power over the “child.” He definitely went through Stockholm Syndrome himself with Cordelia, considering the grooming and the “love”/hate relationship he has with Cordelia. I did some more digging, and apparently Stockholm Syndrome can still occur more commonly with sexually abused victims. Which we all know he is. With the possible grooming, on top of the power abuse and sexual abuse, creates an incredibly toxic concoction. Here we go. The (rotten) cherry on top. Directly from my HDB notes, here’s a snippet from his Maniac Prologue: 

Cordelia: Nnn…Hey, Laito. You are a good boy. Laito: …!! Cordelia: Right, Laito? Laito: Yeah, that’s right. I’m…I’m a good boy after all.  ーー Besides, I’m the type of person who only get more aroused from this kind of thing.

(from my notes:) Basically Laito convinces himself to be a “cuckhold.” It’s definitely implied how he just wants approval from Cordelia; this is how this abuse prolongs. 

(Also, if I ever said that Laito was locked up by Cordelia, my bad; it was Karlheinz who gave that order. I’m unsure where I ever said this, but I feel like I said it before, so I’m gonna clarify that right now too, oops! My memory hath failed me.)

Cordelia’s praise effects Laito in such a visceral way that he tries so hard to cope with the trauma in her favor. It’s incredibly messed up. But that’s the defining factor in this. From this, I do believe Laito has Stockholm syndrome on top of all of his issues. 

I think I’m gonna end it here for now. Didn’t expect to be this long, oops. Stay tuned for next time, where I’m gonna go over Laito’s trauma and how he’s been effected by it. Thanks for reading, FBI agent! And oh, you as well, dear reader! 

If you’ve read this far holy fuck I commend you -Corn

[un0vian]

Hear me out, SSS Miraculous Ladybug AU?

oh man you guys have no idea how much I’ve thought about an au like this before

The anon is new, but this has been in the inbox for a while, I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long! Also this kind of takes a general understanding of the show to make any sense!

This is just a HUGE bundle of ideas lmao I’m sorry it’s so disorganized. I’ll put some of the doodles up here and put in a read more for all of my bullet points (I wrote almost 2K words for this hhhh)

No Pokémon in this AU, and I’m not clever enough to shape the Miraculous after any of them lol.

I think Lance being the Guardian of the Miraculous fits the most.

Lyra becomes the Ladybug Miraculous holder the same way Marinette does, by showing and acting upon her compassion towards someone in need (not the same exact way, considering Lance isn’t nearly as old as Master Fu; she probably saves an old man and Lance notices).

In this AU’s origins I think it would make sense that Giovanni and Silver just moved to Goldenrod from Kanto. Giovanni (obviously) was a part of the crime-world, but found out about the Miraculous and their power, got ahold of the Cat and Butterfly Miraculous, learned of the Ladybug Miraculous’ general location, then decided moving was a good idea. They move into a place like the Agreste mansion (Silver thinks the move is just random btw).

I would say Giovanni holds Silver to high standards like Gabriel does for Adrien. Giovanni has Silver play the Violin and Cello (READ FVAWA!!!), and was probably homeschooled in Kanto. I’ll also say he probably has basic self defense training.

To blend in, Silver becomes enrolled at the same school that Lyra, Kris, and Ethan attend.

Lyra, Kris, and Ethan always try to yoink the back two tables, and every new seating chart the three play Rock Paper Scissors, loser sits alone. Lyra loses and ends up at the table next to the other two with an empty seat.

Their teacher, Professor Elm (I mean, who else would it be?? There’s Oak ofc but eh), introduces Silver to the class and has him sit with Lyra. 

It’s obvious to Lyra that Silver is more socially reserved, but she introduces herself anyway.

Lyra moved from New Bark Town to Goldenrod City early in her childhood (Her and Ethan were childhood friends, Ethan moved to Goldenrod a little before Silver. Kris grew up in Goldenrod). I think it would be cool to keep the Bakery; Lyra’s mom would work there with Lyra helping out a lot.

I’m thinking Lyra could possibly be a model like Adrien, but wayyy on the DL in comparison. She has the right temperament for being in the spotlight (aka not being a flustered mess all the time), hence why she’s so well suited for the Miraculous.

Her passion is writing! Writing poems, speeches, music, all of it. And she enjoys public speaking. She’ll pull out a notebook (or just type on her phone like a sane person) whenever she gets a new idea.

Lyra sings and plays the synth. She plays songs she writes sometimes!

Tikki helps Lyra a lot with her worries about being a Superhero, and is great at giving suggestions and ideas of what Lyra should write if she has a block. Basically usual Tikki being great.

When the first Akuma appeared, Lyra found her Miraculous the same way Marinette did. The difference is when Tikki appeared she was less fearful, and learned about de-evilizing Akumas from the start.

When Ladybug showsed up to stop the Akuma there was no other support. She was able to defeat the Akuma, but damn, what a workout.

Hear me out here, what if there wasn’t an umbrella scene? I’d rather have their feelings for each other grow over time as Silver begins to doubt his father’s reasons for needing the Ladybug Miraculous and reflects on his actions. Besides, Lyra having feelings for Silver in the beginning would be kinda cringe 😬 (@Marinette in the PV smh)

The first Akuma was Giovanni’s way of testing the waters, and confirms that the Ladybug Miraculous is in Goldenrod. The night afterwards he approaches Silver with the Cat Miraculous. Giovanni explains that he needs the Ladybug Miraculous along with the Cat Miraculous to bring Silver’s mother back (which is total bullshit, all he wants is power), and offers him the Miraculous.

And about Silver’s mother; I know there’s a theory about Ariana being his mom, but in this AU (and in general, really) I HC his mother being kindhearted and not part of the mob ahah. (Also same sitch as Adrien’s mom in this AU)

Silver is apprehensive towards the “offer”, but can he really say no? And he does want to see his mom again. So he accepts. Giovanni barely hides the vile smirk on his face and throws in a “I’m proud of you, son” for good measure :/

From then on, Cat Noir shows up to battle Ladybug after an Akuma is de-evilized.

Plagg is somewhere between neutral and good. He’ll (not-so) subtly suggest that Silver should join Ladybug, and point out how much of a dick Giovanni is… but he won’t actively try to stop him because he can’t really do anything about it anyways. Plagg supposes he’ll just have to be patient. And he teases Silver about anything and everything, and his reactions are priceless.

Already having no partner to rely on during Akuma battles, Ladybug is most definitely tired out and has far too many close calls in her battles with Cat Noir. Lyra vents about this to Tikki, and worries about being unable to contact the guardian and request more help.

Lance realizes his mistake after a particularly nasty fight when a stroke of luck saves Ladybug from de-transforming. He introduces himself right after that fight, and apologizes for his oversight.

At this moment I don’t know if it would make more sense to introduce only one more Miraculous holder or two, and if they should be permanent or temporary. I’ll put down my bare-bones ideas for the Miraculous holders anyways.

Ethan - Fox Miraculous, Kris - Turtle Miraculous. I see Kris suiting the Turtle Miraculous because she waits for the right moment instead of jumping right in. I see her as being a great protector compared to Ethan.

Sheesh this is already super long any I haven’t really gotten to the SSS portion 

Slow burn like the show, but in this case neither has a crush for a whiiiile. That part is quite different from the show, but the context is not the same.

Eventually there’s a semblance of a friendship between Lyra and Silver. They got close through sitting at the same table in class and working on different projects together. They also find they both share a love of music.

Anyways, Lyra gets really excited about their friendship and prattles on about it to Tikki.

“Wow, it almost sounds like you like him!”

“Whaaaaat? No!!! He’s just a friend, Tikki!” (Nice Adrien impression, Lyra 😃)

Along the way Silver begins questioning Giovanni’s reasons more and more, but it’s difficult for him to decide whether to keep fighting Ladybug or not because of all the things that could happen. 

Eventually Plagg sits him down and is like:

“You don’t want to fight Ladybug.”

“Right.”

“You have a friend (Lyra) who has made it clear to you that you are welcome in their home, so you would have somewhere to stay if Gio-bitch kicks you out.”

“Right.”

“Ladybug may not trust you at first, but if you explain yourself she may begin to understand, and the act of switching sides paves the path to redemption.”

“Right.”

“So SWITCH SIDES.”

“OH. OKAY.”

Then there’s the ol’ switcheroo. During the worst Akuma yet (with Kris and Ethan helping as heroes), Cat Noir is able to get close to the Akuma and Cataclysms the Akumatized object. He flees immediately, thinking it better to show loyalty in small increments pffff

It’s a HUGE shocker to Giovanni. And Ladybug for that matter. Silver already packed a bag and had his violin ready to go, he grabs his things and doesn’t bother staying. He’s a little pissed Giovanni didn’t even try to stop him.

At this point Lyra and Silver like each other, but neither know how the other feels. Silver feels SO awkward about showing up at the Bakery with his stuff and almost turns around when Lyra’s mom (who had a bad vibe about Giovanni in the first place) spots him.

“Do you need a place to stay?”

“...No.”

“You’re lying. Tell me what happened.”

Silver reluctantly explains that he couldn’t stand staying there anymore, and that he had had enough of his father’s shit. So he left.

Lyra’s mom is a bit iffy on letting him stay. Without enough context it seems like Silver is just angry with Giovanni. Silver can tell she doesn’t understand and tries to explain the situation more.

“I… betrayed him. In a way. I’m sure he doesn’t want to see me around for a while.” “I understand. Feel free to stay the night, but you should talk to your father about whatever’s going on tomorrow. If he doesn’t let you back in you’re welcome to stay.”

Lyra shows up moments after, very confused. Her mom explains the gist to her and leaves them alone to talk.

Tikki overhears Silver explain the situation with a bit more detail and becomes suspicious. If Giovanni was Hawkmoth and Silver was Cat Noir, this situation would make a lot of sense. And Silver has the same hair color as Cat Noir (Lyra is obviously none the wiser because Adrien and Marinette be like that). Tikki doesn’t draw solid conclusions (it’s very easily just a coincidence) but she takes a mental note.

I think that’s where I’ll leave it. I’m already delving into so much plot skdjfbfb Anyways here’s a bunch of bonus drawings for sticking til the end!

[hangingslothcentral]

sirius black was done dirty and i’m mad about it

So you might have seen my big post about how dumbledore is a scumbag for his treatment of Harry, but like, Sirius was done so dirty by this motherfucker I cannot even. It makes me genuinely furious.

Think about it for a minute; Sirius is this wildcard kid. He’s raised in an abusive household, which he eventually flees, and ends up living with the Potters. His parents, in addition to being abusive, are also wizardnazi sympathisers, and Sirius’ younger brother, Reggie, grows up to actually BE a wizardnazi (he ends up being a crucial thorn in Voldy’s side and turns coats later, but he has to have actually joined in earnest).

Sirius is not a quiet, broken little thing in a straightforward sense. He’s a particular flavour of damaged which results in him being loud and brash. He simultaneously loves and loathes himself; he prances around like a show pony and kisses anything that breathes but ultimately beleives himself to be unlovable. He acts fast and rash because he doesn’t have a strong handle on his emotions. He doesn’t understand what healthy love and affection looks like, and often he’s mean to people because keeping them at arms length is less scary than letting them in. When he does allow people to get close, he is fierce, frightening and irrationally protective of them. Stand between Sirius and his friends and he will rip you limb from limb. Because he doesn’t really value himself or his own life, he’s way more likely to throw himself into dangerous situations, either because it allows him to feel fear in a way he can control, or because he genuinely doesn’t care if he lives or dies but DOES care if his people get hurt. Probably most of the time it’s a combination of the two. This is why his dog animagus form is so appropriate for him, imo; he’s not loyal and obedient like a labrador, he’s protective, he’s pack-driven, and he will protect his pack At All Costs.

Dumbledore has watched this kid roll in from the Black family and get sorted into Gryffindor. Dumbledore is a smart guy; he knows this will complicate Sirius’ relationships with his family. No biggy, really. Dumbledore has other shit going on; Voldybaldy is gaining power with frightening speed and ability. Every day the war gets closer and closer to Dumbledore and the school he has chosen as his stomping ground. Sirius getting ostracised is probably a good thing from a distance; the likelihood of him becoming a Death Eater is slimmer.

As he progresses through school Sirius is getting to be more and more of a nuissance. He, James, and Peter are in and out of detention all the time. He notices Sirius is becoming preoccupied with Remus Lupin; this could be a good thing in two respects. Remus is even less likely to end up outside of society if he has social ties, and you hoped him to make friends at school for this reason when you fought for his place. Sirius and James might even shake Remus out of his shell a little bit, maybe direct him towards being able to control himself when in wolf form, the way Fenrir Greyback can. Only this wolf would be on your side (maybe I should also write a ‘How Dumbledoodoo fucked over my boy Remus’ too). Dumbledore likely also hopes, as Remus assumes, that Remus will be a guiding light to his new friends and perhaps curb some of their less desirable habits. But the shenanigans continue, only more on the DL, more efficiently. Remus and Sirius become closer than Dumbledore had anticipated because he has a ton of internalised homophobia and assumes straight until proven queer and it won’t have occured to him that people he did not previously think of as particularly important have so complex a set of inner lives as to be creatures that fall for each other.

The extent to which Sirius will do anything, a n y t h i n g, to strike back at those who have hurt the people he loves becomes clear in his fifth year when he sends Snape into the tunnel under the whomping willow after Remus. Can you imagine how furious Remus would be with him for using him that way? Can you imagine how hurt he would be that Sirius did not even consider how he would feel if he killed someone? None of this would have occured to Sirius. He wanted to see Snape torn to shreds. Wanted him hurt, dead. Wanted him to suffer. How dare Snape insult his Moony? Did Snape think it was cool and fun for this to happen to him every month? Did he think it was a fun little puzzle to solve? Remus is not a puzzle and he is suffering, but he’s not meek and vulnerable, and he can stand up for himself. The obvious answer to this problem, to Sirius, is let Snape solve the riddle and then let Remus rip his head off. Easy, straightforward.

Thank god James went to Dumbledore and explained what was going on because had Remus actually killed or even hurt Snape in his wolf form, he may never have forgiven Sirus for facilitating it. As soon as this is pointed out to Sirius, it is plain to everyone there that he intensely wishes he could take his actions back but there is nothing he could do. And that moment where the egg cracks, where he realises he almost fucked up in a way that would mean one of the people he cares about most in the universe would never speak to him again, that would have happened when Dumbledore called him, James, Snape and Peter to his office after Snape’s life had been saved. Dumbledore would have watched these emotions blossom on Sirius’ face (maybe even sneaking a peak at his thoughts whilst he was at it). He would have known the intensity of Sirius’ feelings, his regret, and the reasoning as to why this unfolded. Dumbledore is not a stupid man. This is why he allows them all to return to school life as normal immediately afterwards with no more serious repurcussions than a slap on the wrist.

So at this point Dumbledore knows - does not suspect, k n o w s - that Sirius is reckless, loyal to a fault, and would go to any lengths imaginable to defend his friends, and their honour he probably also knows now Sirius is madly in love with Remus but that’s neither here not there even if it is important to note.

Time goes on, they finish school and become members of the Order. It’s not confirmed in the books but it’s fairly safe to assume from context that to be a member of the Order you have to have Dumbledore’s trust, in some capacity. In practice, that means Dumbledore reckons he’s got something on you and when it comes down to it, he’s the one holding the cards so you’d have to side with him for your own benefit. He’s earned James, Peter has never been a particular problem, Sirius owes Dumbledore his honour, and Remus would have had literally no opportunities in life were it not for Dumbledore. Thus, a loyal set of additions to his little wizardnazi fighting team.

The prophecy happens, James and Lily’s son is implicated, you know this part of the story. And they are killed by Voldy and Harry is packed off to the Dursleys to become an obscurial and the rest is history. But Sirius. S I R I U S. Sirius ends up in Azkaban for murdering Peter and a bunch of muggles. Yeah, surface level, to an outside observer, maybe this would make sense. Sirius was always a troublemaker, he came from a pureblood, traditionally Slytherin family with ties to voldemort. It would make sense it was him that betrayed Lily and James and also that he would kill Peter for challenging him. IF you only had a very scant awareness of Sirius Black, which we have already established, Dumbledore does not. He knows quite a lot about Sirius, actually. Has a firm grip on what he’s like.

See, Dumbledore never offers to be James and Lily’s secret keeper. It wouldn’t matter that he was an obvious choice, even if that was the reason he gave them. Voldemort is scared of Dumbledore. He would not have dared attack him, and besides, that is just not how the Fidelius Charm operates. Let it be one of the friends, and Dumbledore assumes James and Lily would choose Sirius because it’s Sirius, and he probably would have nudged them in that direction. Why? Because Sirius is rash and loyal to a T. If anyone is going to get killed, weaken the Fidelius charm by having a bunch of people as secret keepers instead of just one because he dies, it’s Sirius. Oh he’d go down in a blaze of righteous glory. But Sirius, by now, has learnt this about himself. He knows. So he tells James and Lily to choose Peter instead.

Dumbledore may not have explicitly known this, but he would have known that Sirius would have died before he betrayed his friends. He was probably actually counting on it. Knowing he was at the wreckage at the Potter’s home in Godric’s Hollow would have, should have been enough for Dumbledore to add up these pieces of information and infer that it was not Sirius who was secret keeper. The Fidelius Charm did not break; Peter gave the secret up. And when Sirius went to confront Peter, if Dumbledore had not yet worked this out, he should have guessed at this point what had happened, because of how Sirius was, what he’d have felt about Peter betraying Lily and James.

Anyway, none of the guessing really matters because had Dumbledore even visited Sirius just once, before his trial or after, he’d have heard the full story and put the pieces together. But he didn’t. He didn’t bother because Sirius wasn’t directly important to his plans. Because Sirius was supposed to die and weaken the charm anyway so Dumbledore could have his baby martyr. It didn’t go exactly as Dumbledore had thought, but it worked out mostly to his devices, so why bother asking Sirius for the details? Who cares if he is wrongfully imprisoned? He was always a pain in the neck anyway. 

I could go on but this is actually really long now hahahahahaaaaaaaa. yes so consider this pt. 2 of why dumbledore is the worst.

[thelordofdarkreunion]

Magnificent Scoundrels: Lock n’ Load

This one’s for all you people who are really into sci-fi gadgets like I do.  It’s a little on the short side, so sorry for that.  I’ll try and make the next one longer.  Please note that, as always, only the Tongues of Fire characters belong to me.  All others belong to their respective writers and owners.  Now, sit back, relax, enjoy, and try not to die!

Tongues of Fire Galaxy, In the far reaches of system XBH-9974

The starships of the Magnificent Scoundrels arrived perfectly on time to the coordinates Thomas Drake had sent them.  It was a dreary system in the middle of nowhere, with four barren rocks of planets orbiting a small star, and one that looked to be more mud than anything else.  Drake had invited all of the Scoundrels and any of their retinues on board the Apocalypse for the mission briefing.  They met him in the massive cargo bay of the ship; stainless steel walls and massive stacks of rectangular cargo pallets greeted the new arrivals.  Drake himself was nowhere to be seen, and so they mingled, talking, gauging exactly what type of people they would be working with.  Master Chief slid over to Cooper.

“How was the voyage?” he asked.  Copper gave a long sigh.

“It was...long.  And hard.”

“Thaaaaaattttt’s whaaaaat sheeee said!” came Drake’s much too over enthusiastic voice from one of the doorways leading into the cargo bay.  Several snickers came at his words.

“I don’t get it...oh,” muttered someone.  Copper just sighed and looked at Master Chief.

“That’s the type of shit I’ve had to deal with the entire voyage.”  Drake grinned and held out his arms in greeting.  

“Welcome aboard the Apocalypse everyone!  You’re all looking fabulous today.”  He swaggered towards them.  “I’m assuming you’re all wondering why exactly we’re all here in the ass end of nowhere.”  A handful of nods greeted his words.  “Well I’m not a man to make extensive, complicated and loquacious speeches unless I need to, so I’ll put it simply.  On the mudball planet is a group of thieves, pirates, mercenaries, whatever you want to call them.  Point is, they stole something from a client of mine.  We’re here to get it back, and I am here to see just exactly how good you are.”  He grinned.  “SO.  We shall decide the details later.  Right now, time to ah, get equipped.”  He sauntered through the massive space, the rest of the Scoundrels following him, and touched several buttons on a wrist mounted computer.  Massive panels on the walls slid open, and racks upon racks of weaponry and equipment was displayed for all to see.  Drake grinned again.  “While I was finding information about all of your galaxies, I took the liberty of...acquiring, yes, we’ll stick with that, acquiring quite a lot of things.  Guns and gadgets and weapons and cool stuff!  It’s gonna be glorious!”  Most of the Scoundrels stared, open mouthed, at the truly staggering amount of stuff that Drake had just revealed.  The tough-looking man with the purple masked figure in their retinue, who had been identified by Drake’s report as John Shepard, moved over to one of the weapon racks.  

“Is that...a black hole gun?” he asked Drake.

“Yes,” replied Drake with a typical smirk.  Ciaphas Cain looked as if his eyes were about to pop out of his sockets.  He touched a long barreled gun with a long sniper scope on it.

“Please tell me this isn’t an Exitus Rifle,” he half aske, half pleaded to Drake.  

“As a matter of fact, it is.”

“How did you get that?” asked Cain, a note of fear in his voice.

“It's probably best if you didn’t know.”  

“Yeah.  It is most definitely probably better if I didn’t know.”  Adam Vir walked over to a glass case displaying a lithe grey suit on a manikin.

“This...this is Iron Eye armor,” he said with wonder.  He frowned.  “I’m not even going to ask where you got this.”  Drake nodded.

“At least there’s someone with sense in this room.”  Han Solo, ever the pragmatist, spoke up.

“Where did you get all of this?”  Drake beamed.

“You of all people ought to be able to figure it out.”  

“You stole it.”  It wasn’t a question, but a statement.

“Oh no my dear man,” said Drake with a laugh, “I acquired it.”  Jack Cooper sighed.

“I’m surprised you haven’t stolen a Titan yet.”  Drake whirled around to face him.

“What a wonderful idea!  I think I will.  I’ll add it to the list.”  He turned around and gestured to the various gear.  “Now, I know how some of you like your stuff.”  He spun to face Solo.  “You.  Jacket, boots, holster of unknown material but probably some sort of leather, DL-44 blaster.”  He spun around to Vir.  “You.  Spear, Drev metal.  Iron Eye armor, when necessary, but not a lot.  Have an odd tendency to not wear armor and gasmask when out exploring planets and that has led to problems.”  He wheeled away from Vir and slid up to Cooper.  “You.  Pilot’s suit with cloak, good with anything but like the Flatline.  Prefer the new heavier x-shaped Militia visor as opposed to the old IMC one.”  Drake spun on his heel and pointed at Starlord.  “You.  A rather odd sort of helmet that expands from the ear.  Don’t know how it works, but I’ll find out.  Jet boots, Quad blasters, had a Walkman but now a Zune.”  The Scoundrels stared at Drake, mouths gaping like landed fish.  “You.”  Drake pointed at Master Chief  “MJOLNIR armor, MA5D assault rifle, you’re a soldier so you bring grenades...and so on and so on.  Point is, if you use it, if you want it, I've got it.  Take your pick.”  Shepard made some sort of gagging noise.

“Exactly how much do you know about us?”  Drake gave a grin that was more like a predator baring its teeth than an actual smile.

“Everything.  Including that one thing all of you seem to have that you’d rather me not know.” 

Well shit.  

“Really?  You could just be bluffing.  Prove it,” said Kirk.  Drake held out his hand and a nearby Apocalypse crew member held out a data pad.  Drake tapped several buttons, scanned his fingerprint, then, carefully hiding the surface so as no one else could see it, showed Kirk the contents.  Kirk blanched and tugged at his collar.

“Uh, yeah...he’s not bluffing.”  Drake smiled, this time genuinely.  

“Don’t worry though.  I won’t tell anyone your secrets unless you want me to.”  He rubbed his hands together.  “So.  Let’s get to it, shall we?”  He gestured at a large holographic projector in the corner of the room.  Everyone walked over, Drake tapped his wrist mounted computer, and a glowing green projection of what looked like a military base appeared.  Drake gestured at it.  

“This is their base, if you haven’t guessed already.  It was originally an observation outpost for the Federal Military, which is why it’s as formidable as it is, but it was abandoned, well, because it’s smack-dab in the middle of nowhere.  Why they built it in the first place is a mystery.  Anyway, they have about oh, say, 200 to 300 people there.  All of them are armed, and while they don’t have anything too heavy, like, say, anti-aircraft or -tank weapons, they have quite the compilation of small arms.  Nothing we shouldn’t be able to handle.  We can also probably disable their long range sensors, allowing us to land on the planet without detection.  The question is: what do you want to do from there?”  He looked around at the group.  “Oh come now.  Any suggestions?”  

“This is your party, your home galaxy; what do you suggest?” asked Shepard pointedly.  Drake laughed.

“Well, there are usually two ways of retrieving an object of importance from a hostile group: either no bodies for the guards to notice or no guards left to notice the bodies.”  Several of the team looked horrified at this, and Drake gave a bloodthirsty grin.  “Option two is easier as there aren’t any local law enforcement.  In fact, there isn’t anyone of significant authority to apprehend us within anywhere near here.  Hell, we don’t even need to hide our presence.  We have enough firepower to blow them into molten slag; we can retrieve the object afterwards.”  He paused and considered it for a moment.  “Although, if we go with an orbital bombardment we run the risk of destroying the object.”  Vir stared at him in horror.

“An orbital bombardment?  You can’t be serious.”  Shepard and Kirk nodded at this.  Drake scoffed.

“They’re a group of 200 pirates on an uninhabited mudball of a planet.  No one’s gonna care.”  Was Drake testing them?  They looked at each other, and Shepard spoke.  

“No.  We’re going to go in stealthily.  No need to get anyone hurt unnecessarily.  We land undetected, we,” he gestured at himself, Vir and Master Chief, “go in, steal the thing, get out.  You guys are our support.”  He pointed at Drake and Cooper, “You two stay on that side,” he gestured at Cian and Quill, “you two on that side, and you two,” he looked at Solo and Kirk, “are ready to get us out if anything goes wrong.  Any objections?”  Most of the team nodded.  Drake gave them an odd look.

“If that’s how you want to do it.”  This was definitely a test.  “Ok.  If we’re all agreed, then let’s get to it.  Take whatever you want, but tell me or the quartermaster first so I know what you’re taking.  Other than that, I bid you good luck.”  Now then, what to do?  What to choose?  Celeric, the Apocalypse's morose quartermaster, was demonstrating to some of the Scoundrels’ crewmembers the horrifying effects of some glowing green weapons.  Cain and the officers of the Valhallan 597th were all buckling on bulky armored plates and picking up strange rectangular-looking rifles attached to heavy backpacks.  Apparently they knew what they wanted.  Master Chief wore full combat armor all the time, so he didn’t need anything. Solo had already disappeared, and Shepard and Cooper were browsing through gear from their home galaxy.  That left two.  Adam Vir and Peter Quill stared at each other awkwardly, then seemingly decided at the same time to walk over to where Drake was.  

Drake was sitting next to a large rack of ornate black armor.  While not exceptionally detailed, it looked extremely advanced and very expensive.  Drake himself was humming along to some song playing from his wrist computer while fiddling with a sleek triple barreled weapon.  A blueish-purple glow emitted from the center where a magazine would be on a normal weapon, and Drake seemed to be inspecting it for any flaws.  He turned and stopped what he was doing when Vir and Quill approached.  

“Ah!  Can I help you?” he asked politely.  

“What are you doing?” replied Vir in lieu of a response.  Drake chuckled.

“Well, these are mine.  Can’t be going into combat un-prepared, now, can I?”  He indicated the armor and gun.  

“What are they?” bath asked at the same time, then looked at each other, surprised.  

“Modified armor and a modified triple-barreled supercooled assault plasma rifle.  Cost me quite a lot, but worth every penny.  And, of course, this.”  He tapped the portable computer.  “The best in the market, modified, of course, by yours truly.  It can slice into almost any security system and can pull up anything from the Apocalypse's main computer.  And it plays music.”  This got their attention.  

“What kind?”  Drake shrugged.

“Oh, you know, the classics.”

“What do you consider ‘the classics’?” asked Vir.

“You know, the classics.  Uh, Country Roads, 1812 Overture, I’m Sexy and I Know It…”

“One of those does not belong with the others,” muttered Quill.  

“Eh, doesn’t matter.  I know the both of you have quite good taste in music.  Should be interesting.  Talk to Celeric if you have any questions about the stuff.”  Quill wandered off, and Drake took out some sort of screwdriver-like tool and fussed over a panel on the suit of armor.  “Look at this.  Best of the best.  It’s got all the gadgets on it: enhanced strength and support, slot for the wrist computer, thermal vision, the works.  But now...now the possibilities are endless!  Built in flamethrowers, omnitools, cybernetic implants, personal shielding, digital weapons...oh it’s going to be glorious when I’m done with it.”  He turned to Vir, who hadn’t moved.  “Can I help you?”  

“Er...yes, you can, actually.”  Vir fidgeted with his collar and turned a slight shade of red.  “What do you know about me?”  

“You?  Everything.  I already told you that,” replied Drake as he turned back to his work.

“I mean...specifically.”  Drake sighed and turned back towards him.  

“Specifically?  I know of your war record, which is painful, but not that deep of a secret.”  He pursed his lips.  “How shall I phrase this...does the acronym LFIL mean anything to you?”  Vir turned a deeper shade of red.  

“Uh...yes.  Yes, it does.”  Drake nodded.

“Good.  Just so we’re on the same page.  I won’t tell anyone, though.  You can trust me with that.  In fact,” he began to laugh, “In fact...well, I can’t tell you.  But I shall ask.  Worry not, for I shall ask.”  Drake paused and seemed to consider something for a moment, then stood up and put a hand on Vir’s shoulder.  His voice changed from light and breezy to serious and almost fatherly.  “Let me give you a bit of advice.  Do not ever let a servant of the Imperium of Man know.  They will kill you for it.”  He looked past Vir at something in the background and sighed.  “Speaking of bloody which,” he turned and walked towards the Imperials, who were lugging crates emblazoned with the double headed Imperial eagle towards the exit.  “Oi!  You guys are just going to walk away with all my hellguns without telling me?”  And while Drake was arguing with Cain, Adam Vir stood and pondered Drake’s words.

Due to the overwhelming technological superiority of the Scoundrels, the bases’ long and close range scanners were taken down with relative ease, and the assault was to commence.  Drake had placed his own soldiers on board the various ships that would be landing outside the base, as a rather obvious attempt to see how good the rest of the Scoundrels really were.  Shepherd stared in distaste at the sleazy looking man who accompanied them aboard his ship, the Normandy.  Vir and the Chief were in the hold, ready and waiting, and Shepard was to bring them just outside the base.  The rest were to be dropped off or teleported by the Millennium Falcon or the Enterprise.  Shepard turned towards Drake’s armsman, named Nathaniel if he remembered correctly.  

“So, Nathaniel.  Drake seems a bit...off.  Is he really, well, on top of things?”  Nathaniel gave a sleazy smile.

“Here’s the thing.  People don’t follow others because they’re popular or high born.  People follow others because they’re good at what they do.  Don’t matter if they’re nice, or rich, or sane, it matters if they’re competent.  And the Captain?  Well, he’s a little off.  Whether he’s actually nuts or just likes acting like it doesn’t matter.  He’s the best of the best at what he does and I’d follow him into hell.”  Shepard didn’t have time to reply.  

“Commander.  We’ve arrived.”  

Well, that’s it.  Hope you liked it.  If you have any questions, comments, concerns, reviews, advice or criticisms, feel free to ask.  Hope you have a nice day!   

[universal-kitty]

.: Right Words, Wrong Time :.

   A commission for @robotarmjokes! Using this prompt! Like this piece? Consider commissioning me...!

   “...so that’s when I was like-? Really? Ya call yourself Johnathan an’ all that an’ think I’m daft enough to not notice you’re not the bloke I talked to before on the phone? I don’t think so! So getting the actual guy took another thirty minutes and by then I was just sick of ‘em, y’know?” DL sighed deeply at the memory of that day, rolling her eyes as the man beside her was trying to not laugh his head off. Not that it mattered much anymore; he was shaking like a leaf in a storm, trying to keep quiet like that! What was the point of trying to stay silent by then?

   Rhys had to take a few breaths (dramatic ones, too, the weirdo) to calm himself, but that grin had not faded a touch since he’d first caught on to the shenanigans that particular info-gathering trip had been. One of the more exhausting ones, far as D was concerned, but it was all fine. Fine an’ dandy and honestly, who tries to swap out a guy?? She’s an info broker, thank you very much! Not an idiot!!!

   “So, uh... John showed up after that, I assume?”

   “Yeah, but as I said, I was bored outta my mind at that point. Bastard kept me waiting and tried to give me the runaround, like? Honestly... I got what I needed to and stormed off. I felt bad! But couldn’t feel too bad, by that point. I just wanted to get home, ha-”

   “-Have some tea, go to bed?” D looked up at her husband, squinting as he fluttered his lashes innocently, a small smile on his lips. He was right, but being interrupted like that... Ugh. Couldn’t even be mad at him. Rhys was too good at playing the sweetheart card and getting off scott free. Damn snake that he is...

   “Ugh, yeah. You know me too well, you know that?” Rhys chuckled, sending her heart drumming away as he leaned over and kissed her forehead with an aching sweetness.

   “It’s because I love you very much and knowing my wife’s habits is just something I’ve gotten to know very well by now.”

   “How well...?” How is that even possible? After two years, surely he’d know quite a few things, but this is the man speaking with confidence to his claims! Like he knows so much more than she expects him to! As flattering as it all is...what does this man know...?!

   “Well enough that I know you sorted the Morrigan file into Neethers.”

   “...I did not!” DL was indignant at the idea, but Rhys tilting his head back and laughing so freely was... First of all, distracting, and secondly, pointing towards truth...not that D was too thrilled over the idea of him being right. Then again, she had been incredibly tired last night, trying to cram some work in before bedtime and the inevitable drag-away by her husband to actually sleep. In a bed.

   “You did! Promise I’m not lying!!” D could only groan in embarrassment at his words, head tilting back into the couch and hands covering her face. Mortifying... That’s some kind of mortifying... “Awhh, sweetheart... That’s why I keep an eye out, though, you know? Something happens, I’m here to help. Right down to if you need more coloring or shampoo, right~?”

   “...We literally use Atlas-brand shampoo and conditioner,” D pointed out, her words slightly muffled from behind her hands. There was a slight pause, then the low sound of his laughter, embarrassment creeping into the sound.

   “Yeah, yeah... True. You, uh, got me there. I still do it, though! And it’s cause I love you and like helping you~” The kisses on her hands made her groan in embarrassment, huffing at his low laughter and the obvious grin now being pressed into her fingers.

   “You’re terrible.”

   “Yet, you love me....and married me. And you’re blushing.” Another groan, trying to gently shove him away. Something Rhys didn’t accept until those hands moved to allow him a quick kiss, only then did he let D alone so she could get up off the couch to prepare her favorite batch of tea. “Really, though. You know how amazing you are?”

   “If I say yes, will it spare me from what’s coming?” A pause from the living room, looking over to see Rhys tilting his head thoughtfully. (Oh NO, that’s cute...)

   “.......Ehhhhh, no.” D groaned to another peal of laughter, the CEO suddenly looking as eager as a puppy to get rolling. “Really, babe! You’re amazing! Getting all this information, retaining it, the notes you keep... Who would’ve known an info broker would be so cute~?”

   “I ain’t cute,” she grumbled sourly, pouting, but Rhys was oblivious to her flustered plight and continued on.

   “...and you’re a bit loud, but in a good way? If that makes sense? Lots of people around here are used to Hyperion ways, I think, so not usually a lot of cussing when I’m around. Which is fine, cause I don’t. I swear little bit, you know this... But yeah, you stub your toe and there go the swears! I think that’s impressive.” A pause. “Is that weird? To find your swearing impressive? Well, look, babe...”

   “I’m working on the tea, but go on.” Just a few more things and she’d rejoin him on the couch...

   “Heh... Uh, anyways! You’ve just...got all this energy. Where does it even come from? Is there honestly anything that can stop you?” In that moment, it was like the planets aligned. D turning to look back to Rhys with a sort of gleam in her eye as he looked over at her in such an adoring way... Unsuspecting of what was to come.

   “Well, an extremely well-placed kiss would do perfectly fine, you know.”

   ....The silence after that felt deafening and, for a moment, DL wasn’t sure what she’d just done. Being flirtatious wasn’t exactly her thing by any stretch and it wasn’t like things got easier because she married Rhys, either! If anything it somehow felt...more difficult. One of her many odd quirks? Gosh, possibly.

   “D-Don’t mind me an-!!”    “Is that an invitation?”

   They both stared at each other, mouths parted with words unfinished. Or, well, more in the case of D, anyways. Rhys had suddenly half-launched up from the couch, staring down his wife with a patient intensity. D felt very put on the spot....in an odd sort of welcomed way...? It was hard to describe, really. But with this alone she was already pretty distracted. Maybe a kiss wasn’t necessary for this...

   “I, um... S-Sure...” Didn’t stop her from agreeing just to see the grin that swept over his face, darting completely off the couch, just so he could rush over to her with enough force to lift her up and gently spin the wifey, then set her down with an eager kiss. It left her dizzy in the best way, giving a shaky laugh when he pulled away, pressing their foreheads together.

   “You alright, sweetheart?” Another shaky, breathless laugh from D at his words, yellow eye lighting up a bit in delight at the sound.

   “Y-Yeah... I’m doing great.”

   “Mmm, glad to hear it,” he hummed, moving away to kiss her temple...and then move away? “Now, why don’t you sit your cute butt down and I’ll finish the tea, okay?” DL blinked at the sudden memory. That’s right... She was making tea before this! He distracted her!!!

   “H-Hey!” At least hearing his bright laughter made everything oh, so worth it...

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S2 Ep 33:  ᵇˡᶦᵐᵖ ʙʟɪᴍᴘ  BLIMP ԀꟽI⅂ꓭ

I usually don’t really do these during weekdays but lets just say today was a day where I felt the need for a healthy distraction.

Ah, it is episode 33. There are...so many episodes in a Yugioh season, guys. I was just not aware. But, here we are at episode 33 and we are finally going to start the finals.

For reals this time, no one’s going to get engaged, no one’s going to randomly murder a bunch of people. We are officially starting the finals this episode.

Sort of.

Man, Kaiba and his butterfly-wing shoulderpads. Sometimes it just looks like he’s just going to gently flutter away.

Also in this stadium with Kaiba and Mokuba is Marik and Odion, who is just as confused as to where the hell everyone went and why the hell Mai just flew by being carried off by a ninja in a jet pack. The hours it must have taken to wait for Yugi’s crew to walk 2 single blocks was enough time for Marik to formulate yet another back-up plan. I want to say this is plan #9.

It’s a good thing Pharaoh can’t read anymore, considering that Marik’s just walking around in a crop hoodie with a tattoo that just reads “SEASON 2 SPOILERS, PHARAOH, DO NOT READ” in hieroglyphs.

But if you wait long enough, even Yugi and his friends will accidentally wander the correct direction and actually show up.

(read more under the cut)

Not a joke, this is actually an unfinished public works project, congratulations, Kaiba Corps, there is nothing that Kaiba won’t try and then fail at, at least once.

Anyways, this shady-as-hell unfinished stadium seems kind of like a good place to get murdered and then tossed into a cement slab. Which honestly, would have been a very likely end to this season, considering what we have been through so far.

Marik decides to sneak around the bleachers, probably on all fours so no one would spot him, jump out a window, and then come in through the front door like he’s not been here this entire time. As he did, apparently he made everything very, very windy. In fact, everyone with a millennium item brought with them a spooooooky gust of wind except I think Yugi, who is probably too short to pull that one off.

Yugi did manage to get the vibe of “something bad is coming” before Marik entered the field, but like...there’s so many bad things at this point, Yugi. So many people that could be. It feels like that might be half the cast. You could say that at any given moment in this season and be absolutely right.

So, after possessing Tea for a second, for...some reason? Did she need threatening? Anyway, after doing that, Namu is in with the gang because literally nothing will prevent Yugi from becoming a friend with you, especially if you are trying to hide the fact that you just tried to kill him by drowning him in the ocean.

Funny how instead of them asking how the hell Namu got away from cultists, they have to fixate on the mystery of “is Bakura good at cards!?” because, and I kinda forgot about this, I guess they don’t remember the last time they saw Bakura play. How far up their own ass is Yugi and Joey to assume that just because Bakura doesn’t brag about cards all day, that Bakura hasn’t been equally good at cards? They kind of deserve this.

Yeah and PS Kaiba absolutely did not check the satellite to get the DL on why the hell Bakura got so many cards. Dayjob Saruman I guess went home for the evening so...although that shadow game was definitely being recorded on a computer, we’ll never know what that mess looked like on Kaiba’s end. Like there’s just three duel disks covered in ectoplasm hanging out in the cemetery and no one seems to have noticed?

Like for a competition that was huge about security and tech, they only seemed to watch the God Cards players and then Mokuba randomly monitored Joey Wheeler for some reason. That was it. That was all the people the Kaiba’s cared about.

So although Marik and Odion and Bakura could probably take on everyone right now. Like riiiight now. They decide not to because, well, I nearly forgot about someone that I was really looking forward to seeing again, that’s right, my favorite boy!

AW THERE HE IS!

to quote one of my actual favorite earworms,

Where has this big boy been hiding!? He’s freakin ginormous, but apparently he was just hiding behind a soft cloud or something, in anticipation of this grand reveal in a very sketch unfinished stadium that’s probably being used to bet on bum fights.

Mokuba gets excited for the first time since...I don’t remember if Mokuba’s ever actually been excited before. Like I’m digging through my memories here and no, Mokuba’s been mostly abducted, angry, bored, or scared, this is the first time he’s exuded that pure pre-teen energy.

PS a blimp’s max flying height is 1500 ft, and what surprised me the most about this was realizing that this entire time we’ve been watching this show, we’ve been getting measurements in US metrics. Didn’t realize that before today.

Also, on my wikipedia deep dive into blimps, I found out that like...this is probably not a “blimp,” but actually a semi-rigid airship but...I’m gonna keep calling it a blimp. Don’t @ me, blimp fandom on tumblr.

It’s so good to see more Blimp. Even though...probably the worst place to throw a tourney? Like...how many people are you even gonna fit in there? Like...is this televised? I mean I don’t know how Kaiba’s marketing works for this, honestly, he took over every TV in the city to get people to join this tourney, and now that it’s in full swing no one can watch it?

Whatever, it’s a blimp.

Duke Devlin is still here, despite the fact that I don’t think he’s going to do anything for the rest of this season. I guess they had to promote that gameboy game so his face will just be in the background always although as a dice player he um...he has no purpose here.

In fact it makes no sense, he works with Pegasus who straight up killed Mokuba and Kaiba like a month ago, why are they just letting him on their airship? Whatever.

I dunno, maybe there’s more that Duke will do eventually, but he just seemed like a replacement for Bakura at first--and Bakura’s back now, so why’s he still here?

Ishizu is here, and while every other time we’ve seen Ishizu, she’s been talking our ears off, the one time she should probably say something, she instead decides to lock herself inside her bedroom and avoid everyone.

I guess she was mostly avoiding Marik so they don’t have a sibling laser fight in the hull of a Blimp. That would have made things so awkward for Yugi and Bakura. Especially Yugi, who still doesn’t know that thing around his neck shoots freakin lasers.

Props the background artists who had to draw billions of small little buildings AKA the worst background in the world to draw. I will go through hoops to avoid drawing even a single building, but to have to sit down and paint just a whole page of buildings that someone’s going to smack a foreground on anyway? Mad respect. If you look closely you’ll see that this artist had to use a ruler and perspective and other annoying tools that take up time and energy. Even using editing tools like using blocks of black color to imitate the look of rooftops and crowded structures, it probably took them a few hours to make the background that went in a .2 second scene.

They’ll probably reuse these buildings later, don’t get me wrong, but oi, I feel for them in my carpel tunnel bones.

Seto keeps telling Yugi that they’re rivals but I don’t think anyone on this show other than Joey thinks of Seto as much of a rival at all. You almost feel a little bad for him, like he’s in a weird...hate triangle, but very much on the loosing end of it.

Next we get a good look at Kaiba’s interior design decisions, and much like his mansions, it’s a lot of very unexpected soothing pastels. Like this is a lot of seafoam blue. How can someone so angry make something so grandma-zen? Is it actually Kaiba’s grandmother who is just slapping down all these paint chips when he’s not looking? I mean it’s got muted pink stools even, with a makeup station.

Tea, Tristan, and Duke have no rooms to go to because they aren’t actually part of this competition, so they’re just squatting around until they’ll probably all end up crashing with Mokuba, the only other person who is not dueling in this competition. Reminds me a lot of the first week of college, where everyone is just coasting dorm room to dorm room and there’s like 10 people there who actually don’t actually go there but want to hang out with their high school friends and they just end up sleeping in your room for 7 days until they read your other friend’s diary, get hella indignant, and then storm off back to California. My apologies to my Freshman year roommate who had to put up with all that girl drama.

And because it’s this show, the men and their bottomless stomachs decide to raid the smallest little mini fridge and you wouldn’t believe what takes up about 1/4 of it

There is so many cheese wheels in this Japanese show, guys. So, I felt like doing a quick google search of Japan and Cheese and it’s just a bunch of ex-pats talking about how the European cheeses most of us are familiar with is harder to find in Japan. So, maybe that’s why? It's a status symbol that he can find round cheeses?

But even if you can only get your hands on a 30$ Swiss wheel every so often (because that really is just Swiss cheese, like lets be real.) how much Swiss cheese can one man eat??? Especially since, looking closely, there is not a single baguette here. No man can eat that much cheese without a bread!

Sorry, stuffing your face full of free cheese you pulled out of your friend’s mini-fridge is also giving me vivid flashbacks to my Freshman year of college.

Also little edit--just realized that flag is flipped 90 degrees from French so that’s probably a Holland flag? Although I looked up European flags and there is...none that have that color order so I don’t know which country they were originally going for.

YO I just realized there’s no curtains on any of these pelvis-height level windows. So, you can’t sleep because of the lights, and you can’t change into pajamas because like--the whole city will see.

Kaiba does seem like the type that would on purpose not install any curtains on any of the windows he’s ever owned, though.

Keto is gone, and now we just have Roland, who is probably too terrified to ever abduct the Kaibas by picking them up by the neck with one arm.

Anyway, in case you were wondering--since the show has decided to make a huge fuss over card prep time--how can they prep for a card game if they only have the cards they brought with them and they don’t know what the other people are even playing or which person they’re playing first?

Kaiba did nothing. He sat there and thought “If Yugi doesn’t even put that God Card in his deck this entire tourney will be absolutely pointless.”

Mai took little sips of milk. Probably paired it with Swiss cheese. Just a huge bite out of a wheel of Swiss cheese.

Odion never found the refrigerator.

Marik took a nap on this bed that looks like it’s just made of foam. Why is this the only one on the show who’s like “Youknow, I should sleep at some point.”

And Yugi’s prep involved talking to himself a whole lot, which explains why none of his friends wanted to stay here for that. I doubt very much Yugi kicked him out of the room. He was probably like “no, stay, stay” in that high pitched-low pitched voice combo until they were like “nooooo I don’t want to be present for your daily seance checkup byeeee.” while slowly backing out of the room.

Yo remember that time we were worried about Bandit Keith stealing the puzzle?

Apparently...Pharaoh could have just sort of done that dizzolving thingy and appeared right back on Yugi’s neck.

And remember that time Yugi handed that puzzle to Joey?

Apparently...Pharaoh could have just sneezed and then bam--right back around Yugi’s neck.

Like remember any time this season that we’ve been like “Oh no, the puzzle! We’re gonna lose it!” no that...that was never a problem.

I mean to be fair when it’s dismantled it might not work but um--apparently you can’t lose an item after it’s decided it likes you. At all. Which is kind of weird because Pegasus totally lost that eyeball, and aren’t all these items property of Pharaoh anyway?

I’ll try not to think about it as this rule seems to only really apply to Bakura. 

Anyway, next week--I’m pretty sure the finals are indeed actually starting next week. I could be wrong as I have been every single episode but maybe--probably--the finals are actually going to start. We shall see.

[thesoupoftheafternoon]

6.5ish years T, 5.5ish years post top

Updating because of a surprise revelation regarding my dose & how it relates to my mental health. Also because I haven't posted on this for two years!

First off, general changes. Dose stuff at the end. (TL;DR dose stuff--by accident I lowered my dose by .1 mL and despite never having felt much of a difference mood-wise from changing my dose before, I feel fucking great and actually happy for the first time in a while! Surprise, your levels should also take into account your age and you shouldn't use the same reference range for the whole time you're on T!)

Under cut--this is mad long. [And cw for mental health talk including v mild suicide ideation, also alcohol/drugs]

T stuff:

I posted pretty much the same thing last time, but I'll reiterate that the vast majority of these changes are basically subtle things that no one else notices and that probably have more to do with just getting older/diet/exercise than being on T. My facial hair range is exactly the same as it was two years ago (literally just ‘stache and chin directly below the mouth) which checks out based on my dad/my entire family. I shave about once a week. Happy trail a little bit happier, lil more arm hair, lil more leg hair. Haven't been checking super closely but I think I have more hair around my butthole. Dick size is the same. Appetite has dropped a bunch--I can't scarf down food the way I used to. I’m read as male all the time, haven’t been misgendered based on my appearance since like 2013. 120-125ish pounds.

Chest stuff: (I had keyhole btw)

Nipple sensation is back, I repeat, nipple sensation is BACK! They're healthy and super perky, which I used to be kinda insecure about since they stick out a bit, but also like, who gives a shit? I would say they feel about 90% as sensitive as they were before surgery, and after a bit of touching they do start feeling a little less sensitive, but they never go completely numb. I'd say they've been at this level of sensation since early 2017. Left nipple is more sensitive than my right. My right nipple used to kinda bulge outward on the bottom but I guess the scar tissue has broken down somewhat since it's lying a lot flatter these days. The numb chest patches are smaller and way less numb and it takes less pressure for them to register touch. Drain scars look kinda like bug bite scars. Under-areola scars are very hidden, basically invisible. 

Lower surgery??

It’s on my mind but it’s always been a little on my mind. It’s not a priority. A hysto/oopho may be in order someday. But I’ve been thinking about what I want my junk to look like and be like as I get older, and whether my current setup and how I relate to it is going to be sustainable. I genuinely don’t know whether I would rather get metoidioplasty or phalloplasty. There’s a lot more thinking to be done. 

Dose stuff: 

I started T in 2012 with .5 injections every other week. With 200 mg/mL that averages out to 50 mg of T per week, although I'm sure my levels were different from someone on a weekly schedule. Around the 2.5 year mark my bloodwork came back saying I had super low T. I upped my dose to .5 every week, so 100 mg/week (which is famously a pretty common dose, there's even some trans merch company called .5cc.) Over the next year or two (I really don't remember exactly when) my bloodwork showed me now at very high T levels, nearly and in some cases exceeding the upper threshold of my doctors' reference ranges, so I lowered my dose to .4 and then to .3 mL/week, or 80 and then 60 mg/week. Of course I worried about T aromatizing into E, but my doctor at the time didn't test my blood for estradiol until I had already reduced my dose down to .4, and said my E levels were fine (I don't remember the exact number.) 

Even at 60 mg/week my T levels were still high. I and my doctors chalked it up to the fact that I work out a lot and/or maybe my body was just like that The general consensus was that "if your period isn't coming back, your E levels are fine," usually followed with some question like “how are you feeling on this dose?” or “are you feeling good?”

And what I kinda knew then then, but what’s even clearer to me now, is that I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA. My I-guess-it’s-anxiety, my on-and-off idk-if-it's-depression, my garbage sleep cycle, my self-doubt and second-guessing and skewed perspectives, have all been around in some form or another, so it's very hard for me to parse out what I'm even Really Feeling sometimes, never mind what might be causing that feeling. For the last several years if I felt bad I would usually conclude one of the following:

I feel bad because I’m actually a shitty person and feeling bad is natural for how bad and awful a person I am.

I feel bad because the world is fucked and society is crumbling and feeling bad is natural for how literally everything we love will be swallowed by the sea and/or be salted and burned in worldwide conflict.

Which is obviously not conducive to trying to figure out any other external factors or triggers for my shitty mental health!!

Plus it’s not like I was exactly excited to have less testosterone in my body. I was genuinely nervous that lowering my dose lower than .3 a week would just be an experiment that wouldn’t do anything except make me less buff and maybe even bring back my period. And I’d always been a little skeptical about the extent of hormonal effects on mood. T certainly affected my mood positively when I started, that was an obvious cause/effect, but I figured (and still do think) that had SO much more to do with finally being seen as a guy and having a masculine body than any sort of direct T-on-brain action. I did notice some increased irritability, but it wasn't much, and also I was still 16 lol. I noticed changes over the course of months or years--never within the course of a week. I can’t relate at all to folks who talk about spikes or troughs in their levels or getting a rush or feeling low based on where they were in their shot cycle. So I'd always tell doctors that I felt fine on whatever dose I was on because, well...I guess I felt fine!!

For the last several months--maybe the last year and a half, tbh--my mental health has been pretty bad. Over the course of any given day, the things I felt were generally limited to annoyance, panic, self-pity, drunk, stoned, and horny, and usually in that order. And that's a relative statement, because I'm pretty functional and haven't ever hit clinical levels of whatever, have always been able to find enjoyment in some things and get endorphins from exercise and complete necessary tasks on time, but hey, if you're reading this and feel like it's normal to constantly have "I hate myself, I fucking suck, why don't I just die" churning around in your head even if you're "not going to act on it," or that it's normal to drink and smoke weed until you basically pass out 6 days out of 7, or that it's normal to feel convinced every bit of positive affirmation you're getting is out of pity, Honey You've Got A Big Storm Coming. Like, again, considering how shit awful our current sociopolitical climate (and also the literal Earth's climate) are, it's no surprise I felt these were understandable feelings, and like, I guess they kind of were? But just because a feeling is understandable doesn't mean it's a good thing that I'm having it. Which seems remarkably obvious in hindsight!

Anyway, about a month ago I underestimated how much was left in my vial and had to do a .2 mL shot instead of .3. That's 40 mg for that week: even lower of a dose than when I started T. As the week went on I noticed I actually felt consistently happy: not just "someone's giving me attention," not just "nihilistic fun," not just "I guess the things I'm looking at right now are pretty," but actually satisfied, content, grounded, having emotions that felt like they came FROM ME. 

And since I’m always one to consider alternative explanations, there’s plenty of other factors that might have led to this improved mood. When I lowered my dose, I had just gotten accepted to two new jobs. I’d met up with friends I hadn’t seen in a while. But it’s not as though before I lowered my dose I never felt happy. It just never stuck around. These days I’m able to retain a positive emotion beyond the precipitating event and not just have the same boring self-hating thoughts over and over again. Which is huge!! I feel like I’ve really broken the thought cycle that’s defined much of my thinking for the last few years. So many of my emotions have been about my emotions, and a big part of why I felt so awful was feeling so helpless against these thoughts, and understanding completely deep down that it was irrational, that it really didn’t make any sense for me to feel this awful. That of course tapped horribly into my endless guilt complex and fed it and it just went on and on. 

I haven’t gotten my levels tested again yet--that’ll happen later this month. (My doctor knows and is cool with this reduced dose.) I’m especially interested to see where my estradiol will be at. My T will probably be more reasonable for someone my age--I feel like my crazy 1000+ ng/dL T levels were okay when I was like 19-20 but now that I’m a whole 23 years old (yo!!!) it makes sense they should be a little lower. I’m not a doctor, though--but then again, real ass certified doctors have made hashes of my medical care in the past, so I’m comfortable trusting myself a little on this one. 

General life update and thoughts on being trans in this world:

I’m much more relaxed and much more okay with being trans these days. Comes with being a lot more sure about myself and who I am, which is a continuous process and one that was happening even before I lowered my dose and was suddenly way less depressed. While I still get hives at the thought of anyone outing me without my permission, I’m a lot more comfortable outing myself to people, even large groups of people, even folks who I might not really know. I’ve come to appreciate the parts of me that are definitely and absolutely because I am trans or that reveal I am trans, and the connections I can make with people by sharing those parts of me.

I’m not sure I’d say I have a career at this point, but definitely most of the work I’m doing these days is in social justice, non-profit, LGBTQ-related, activist work. My resume more or less outs me as at the very least a deeply committed trans ally, lol. I think growing up and realizing I was trans I hated the thought that it would define who I was and what I did. I didn’t want to touch activism or trans spaces in general with a trillion-foot pole. 

I’ve since gotten over myself and like...let myself enjoy things, I guess? I really do find nonprofit work super rewarding and I finally admitted to myself I fucking love chilling with other trans people and talking about trans shit and that I do love, if not the fact that I And My Body Am Trans, the existence of community and the thoughts and ideas that we share. And a lot of the time I do like my body. And I’m kinda ready for this newfound happiness to stop feeling so fresh and exciting, because I know it’s a bit weird and inappropriate to be talking about how happy I am that I feel great when, again, The World’s Some Shit Right Now. 

But I think in general--not just about being trans--I’m letting myself feel the happiness that I have, with so much less guilt and shame. I always knew intellectually but am finally putting into practice the fact that simply denying myself happiness or feeling bad that I feel happy doesn’t bring happiness to folks who don’t have it. 

that’s it for now ! 

[outwritenewsmag]

Fuchsia 

by Sarah Jensen graphic by Shay Suban

Love was in the air, so Alicia packed up her laptop and some notebooks and evacuated the premises. She liked her roommate, and didn’t mind her roommate’s boyfriend visiting, but the two of them were inching closer while watching some rom-com and she saw where this was heading.

Her floormates were shouting and blasting One Direction in the floor lounge. The building lounge was hosting some midterm stress relief event. Alicia was starting to entertain the idea of actually making the trek to a library for once, but a text stopped her.

Chris: Yo I’m doing chem in my lounge if anyone wants to join.

Kumiko: I’m down

Alicia considered it. Study groups usually weren’t great for her productivity. That said, Chem was her weakness this quarter. Kumiko and Chris were doing well in that class, based on the first midterm. And a free lounge was a free lounge.

Alicia: omw

She realized then that she’d forgotten her laptop charger in her room.

It’s not even a real anything. It’s just them walking down the rain-soaked street, holding hands with arms outstretched because they have the room, skipping a little in the night. The air smells clean, freshly bathed.

One twirls into the other’s arms. She turns around to hug her properly. They could say something, but words wouldn’t be enough. So they hold each other for a second, and then continue on their way in the crisp night air.

There’s a real world out there somewhere, but it’s not their concern right now. Their only worry is trying to keep the fuzz in their hearts from getting wet, which is both an easy problem and not a bad one to have.

And what is there to say? It’s a feeling that’s warm but not too warm, smells like rainy leaves and her shampoo, the softness of a chinchilla and the light chill of an autumn night. It’s like her body is free and her heart is in her hug. It’s as contradictory and beautiful as love itself.

There is nothing to say. Just them two walking down the rainy road, holding hands with arms outstretched to take up the space they’re given.

“How’s it going with Carla?”

Jack grinned as he changed lanes. “Pretty chill. I think we’ve established we’re official but on the DL.”

“Why so secretive?” Alicia asked.

“Uh… She’s worried people will judge her for getting in a relationship right after breaking up with Neal.”

“Right after? Bullshit, it’s been two months.”

Jack shrugged. “Her words, not mine. Shoutout to double standards, ‘cause I broke up with Gabrielle around the same time, and I know I won’t get judged for being with Carla.”

“Also bullshit. How long is Carla in mourning for?”

Jack laughed out loud. “I think she wants to wait another month, at least. A quarter of a year is a respectable period of mourning for a young gentlewoman,” he said in an affected tone.

Alicia snorted. “Honestly, it’s nice that she’s moved on already. She’s heading into her next love story instead of rereading the last one for too long.”

“Instead of prolonging the period of sorrow and tragedy.”

“Exactly! And I mean – aw, man, not this song.”

“What’s wrong with ‘Thinking Out Loud?’” Jack said. He seemed to be taken aback at the thought that anyone could be less than enthusiastic about Ed Sheeran.

“I dunno. It’s too sweet. Like drinking syrup.”

Jack shrugged and changed the station. Alicia made a face at “Stitches,” but didn’t comment. At least it wasn’t sappy.

“Anyways. Carla broke up with Neal, so she wasn’t even in real mourning.”

“Right, so, on the topic of double standards…”

“She’s still expected to mourn at least a little? As the girl in the relationship?”

“And if she mourns a little, she’s expected to mourn fully.”

Alicia groaned and threw up her hands, hitting the car roof a little. “Remind me to never get into a relationship with a guy.”

“I mean, I didn’t think you ever would?”

“That’s fair.”

Life as they know it is pink. A bit of a dry, light pink, a color you’d call rose and identify on the walls of an old-fashioned café. The color of jazz trumpets and strawberry lemonade.

They take a stroll – there’s no other word for it in this pink weather – in search of ice cream, but when the ice cream parlor is closed, they opt for lemonade. It’s not strawberry, and looks deceptively yellow, but don’t be fooled – it’s pink too.

It’s half a degree cooler than beach weather today. It’s warm and sweet and tart out, like the lemonade sticking in their throats, and if you look around you might see a blue sky, green leaves, a gray walk – but today, for them, life is tinted with rose-colored glasses, and there’s nothing in their way.

Alicia: Anyone’s lounge free? There’s a rom com playing in mine .-.

Kumiko: You don’t like rom coms?

Alicia: idk

Alicia: The characters’ bad decisions are stressing me out?

Chris: My lounge is free

The study group wasn’t completely efficient – mostly because Alicia’s sister texted needing relationship advice, which Alicia was fully unqualified to give – but it was certainly better than having to watch 27 Dresses.

Sometime in the first hour, Kumiko asked her about a Chem practice problem. Alicia looked and cringed internally – proton NMR spectroscopy. Her weakest weak point. She could see it now: Kumiko exposing Alicia as a fraud who didn’t know anything about chemistry, Chris reacting in shock, both of them kicking her out of the study group. But then she realized–

“Oh, the chemical shift is farther upfield for this one because…”

Alicia explained her way through it, and it made sense. “Oh, okay. Thanks,” said Kumiko.

“No problem,” Alicia said, completely taken aback. She’d scored solidly below average in her last two Chem classes, and bombed the first midterm this quarter. By now, she’d given up on really understanding Chem. Getting NMR right, and especially being able to expound upon it, was unfathomable. So how…?

Alicia couldn’t explain why she thought Kumiko had something to do with it.

Over the next few hours, their separate work converged. They solved practice problems together. It blew Alicia away – she had forgotten what it felt like to understand chem, and to see science with a sense of wonder, and to work with someone this well. She kept getting the sense that they were on the same wavelength.

They dance (they don’t really). They walk to the side of the hill to see the city lights. This isn’t something they’ve ever done before.

Neither of them care for the view. The distant city is too far and detached from their little world above. But music soars in her heart, though she doesn’t know the words, and there is a warmth in her that’s more gentle than thermal.

They hold hands and wonder if they’ve finally fallen in love.

The music takes her over and she pulls her into a ballroom embrace. She can’t hear the music, but she steps and follows her and they only step on each other’s feet a few times. She hopes what’s in her heart – the color gold, smooth as satin, a flame warmer than the lights they aren’t looking at – is in hers too.

Their steps slow as the music slows, and they draw nearer. Her head rests against her shoulder, a cheek resting on top of her head. They could kiss, but why would they when they can stay in this embrace instead?

This is what it’s like to stand in love, they think.

It was so thoroughly not-a-big-deal, Alicia couldn’t even pinpoint what happened later.

She remembered getting to the lecture hall early and listening to the Hamilton soundtrack. She remembered Kumiko and Chris arriving in chem and sitting by her, like always. And at some point Alicia thought to herself, “____________”

(She didn’t remember.)

(It was something along the lines of, “Kumiko’s kinda cute,” but the words don’t capture the feeling, which was more about the person and less about her looks.)

“So what do you like about her?” Jack asked her five days later. Five days of Alicia’s feelings snowballing down a hill, in which the hill was getting steeper and the bottom was nowhere in sight.

“Um…” Alicia kinda shrugged. “I’m still trying to put words to it. She’s… I want to say genuine? It’s like she knows exactly who she is, and doesn’t have any reason to be anything else.”

“Confidence is sexy,” Jack said, nodding as he poked the boiling tortellini. “Shit, can you… Can you hold this for a sec?”

Alicia took the colander and held it over the sink while he poured a bit of water out of the overflowing pot. “I don’t know if sexy is the right word,” she said. “I mean, she’s cute, I just… I dunno. That’s not why I fell for her.”

Jack placed the pot back on the stove. “Is genuineness the main thing you like about her?”

“I think so? I’m still working it out. Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll manage to overanalyze both her and my attraction to her over the next… however long I like her.”

Read more....

[derangedsilence]

Ayato Sakamaki

Permissions

Shipping?  Yes.  Less likely if the muse isn’t Yui, but not impossible.  Singleship per verse with limited verses.  Please note - as stated on the rules page, orientation is typically listed as what the muses think they are.

Duplicates? Multiple ‘Yuis’?  What about character that aren’t on the dedicated castmates list?  Yes.  You can thrust Ayato at Ayato.  There’s also no issue with duplicates of canon, crossover, etc. characters that Ayato is already interacting with.  You want it, you got it.   To prevent destroying the validity of duplicate muses, I will sometimes think of things as ‘A Kanato did this’ instead of ‘Kanato did this’, which is a very subtle difference but prevents another muse from having to deal with the blame of an event they were not responsible for.  This will only be differentiated as necessary within writing.  I repeat: all duplicate muses will be treated with respect, not as ‘fakes’.  Any Sakamaki brother is a brother of his, regardless of how many Kanatos there are (for example).  We’re just going to, uh, slide past that as often as possible (and occasionally make jokes).

Multiple Ayatos will be treated as though they’d somehow wandered into one’s world or the other via some enchanted, strange object or doorway in the Sakamaki household.  This allows them to interact, but prevents the concept that one is a ‘true’ Ayato over the other.

Fighting?  A-Okay!  I’ve done a lot of fighting roleplay but it was in the past and I’m way more interested in the storytelling of it.  It’s better that we discuss the end result beforehand for smoother sailing, but we can improv it as well.

Harming? A-Okay!  Just be aware that Ayato may harm or kill you in turn!

Killing? A-Okay!  Please be aware, however, that should the need or desire to continue the verse arise, the death scene will be considered a what-if.  In addition, it is very difficult to kill Ayato due to the pureblood resurrection abilities.

Can we send shippy memes / etc.? Sure, we can still explore what-ifs, drabbles and oneshot threads, but the main focus will be on the storyline here!

Can we know Yui has Cordelia’s heart, is possibly turning into a vampire, is surrounded by vampires, etc. and reference this to Ayato? On a case-by-case basis.  It should be discovered organically if it’s not something your character would be able to know already.  There’s plenty of situations where this would make sense.

Can we know about Ayato’s past before interacting?  No, not unless you have genuine reasons for it like being one of his brothers.

Can we have characters comment on the events of the timeline? Yes, if they “catch sight of”, “overhear a rumor”, “a familiar saw X”, or any other sensible reason, then characters can be aware of and comment on events.  I wholly encourage characters participate in Ayato’s life!  Please tell the story with me!

Can we rescue Yui Komori from the Sakamaki household? Unlikely.  At best, if you succeed in the first place, it’s entirely likely that they will find you, they will take Yui back, and they will kill one or both of you for this.  Or the Mukamis might take advantage of the situation!  Obviously, the exception here is the Mukamis, who are entirely expected to attempt this from time to time.

Can we reference interactions we’ve had with your Kanato, etc. to Ayato?  I mean...sure?  If you want?  I’m fine with using my muses for plot and timeline advancements for myself and those I interact with (within limits) but I’d also prefer to not be my Kanato’s Ayato and vice versa, so this would probably be limited.  You can still act like what’s happened has happened, though.

Biography / Stats

FULL NAME. Ayato Sakamaki ALIAS. Yours Truly (himself) AGE. Appears 17-18 || Actually significantly older BIRTHDAY. March 22 GENDER & PRONOUNS. Male, he/him ORIENTATION. Heterosexual SPECIES. Vampire OCCUPATION. High school student of the night school known as Ryoutei Academy. 2nd year in HDB, 3rd year if assuming time has passed. RESIDENCE. Sakamaki residence, Japan

HAIR. Red EYES. Green BUILD. Athletic HEIGHT. 5'8'' (174cm) TATTOOS. None PIERCINGS. None OTHER. Left-handed

ZODIAC. Aries (Aries/Pisces cusp) ALIGNMENT. Chaotic narcissist POSITIVE TRAITS. energetic, passionate, outgoing NEGATIVE TRAITS. sadistic, hot-tempered, narcissistic

BIRTH PLACE. Japan NATIONALITY. Japanese PARENTS. Karlheinz (Alive?), Cordelia (Deceased / Haunting) SIBLINGS. Full Siblings - Laito, Kanato. Half-siblings (shared father): Shuu, Reiji, and Subaru EXTENDED FAMILY. Karlheinz's other wives, Beatrix and Christa. Richter (Uncle). EDUCATION. High school (likely several times over) SPECIES. Vampire NOTABLE SKILLS. Basketball/sports LANGUAGES. Japanese, JSL FAVORITE FOOD. Takoyaki

PUREBLOOD. Inhuman strength, increased speed, vision, hearing, and smell. Fast healing & healing saliva. TELEPORTATION. Can teleport instantaneously. FLYING. He can fly, but only during a full moon. SWORDSMANSHIP. A+ OTHER. Can control and summon familiars. WEAKNESSES. Truly holy objects weaken him, but not by much. DISLIKES. Raw cuttlefish, studying without a clear goal

Appearance

[*Credit: Appearance section pulled directly from the Dialovers Wiki.]

Ayato is a slender young man with unruly, reddish-colored hair spiked at the ends, narrow green eyes, and a fair complexion. He also wears a black stud on his right ear.

In Haunted Dark Bridal, he usually wears a white shirt that has brown bordering the top and bottom of the shirt with a black jacket and brown scarf. He wears it with blue jeans with a belt attached to both sides of his pants that hang down and go around his pants.

In MORE BLOOD, he wears a black jacket with a red hoodie underneath. Under the hoodie is a white shirt with a black V collar. He wears it with black pants. He also wears a chain necklace.

His school uniform consists of the typical black school blazer with an unbuttoned white dress shirt and a undone red tie around his neck and the right collar of the shirt. He dons black pants, the right leg rolled up to his knees, and a pair of red and black sneakers.

Personality

Attention-seeker, mischief maker: Ayato is a difficult, uncontrollable troublemaker. He is rebellious, brags about himself, and occasionally demands that everyone call him Ayato-sama (while referring to himself as Oresama, often translated to ‘Yours Truly’).    

Narcissistic and self-centered, Ayato looks down on others.  He loves bullying and teasing others.  

He can be vulgar and has regrets about it.  The first thing he’ll notice when he looks at a woman is her chest.  It’s not unusual to catch him coming up with nicknames that bear varying levels of insult: Pervert (Laito), Hysteric (Kanato), Tableware Otaku (Reiji), Shichisan Megane (Reiji again), Hermit/Shut-In/Etc. (Subaru), Dull Guy (Shuu), Smartass/Bastard/Asshole (Ruki), Bandage Guy (Azusa), and Chichinashi/Titless/No Tits/Breastless (Yui).  He has no problem telling his brothers off.  In addition, he frequently insults his deceased mother and his father.

Ayato is passionate about torture devices, including the Iron Maiden.  He even has one that he removed the spikes from so he could use it as a bed.

History

CHILDHOOD. Ayato is the oldest of three triplets. He is considered this due to an old Japanese tradition where the last one to be born is considered the oldest in a multiple birth. Thus, Ayato is considered the oldest, Laito the youngest, and Kanato the middle triplet. Ayato received the most attention from their mother, Cordelia, and the one who endured her abuse and pressure to become the heir of the Sakamaki household. Cordelia fostered an obsessive need to be number one, to be the best at everything. Physically, mentally - whatever it was, whatever goal was to be had, Ayato was expected to meet and surpass it. Ayato often tried to spend time with his brothers Laito and Kanato or do things other than what his mother requested of him. When this was caught, Cordelia would punish him in a variety of ways including drowning him in a lake. She wouldn't even accept meager attempts at gaining her favor, such as the occasion when he built her a sandcastle. Cordelia destroyed it, claiming that such a thing was not worth showing if it wasn't real in the first place. Ayato was the first to truly hate his mother and the first to turn against her. Eventually, this led to her death once they were older.  It’s probably accurate to say that no one hates Cordelia as purely nor as much as Ayato does.

NEAR CURRENT.  Karlheinz manipulates circumstances to keep tossing experimental sacrificial brides at his children.  None can endure the blood loss, physical and emotional torment.  The sacrificial brides are too fragile and the Sakamakis tend to break their toys.  

CURRENT. A single sacrificial bride is surviving and enduring: Yui Komori.  Whichever brother obtains her will become the Sakamaki heir.  Without directly entering into a “relationship” with any of the Sakamakis, she endures her stay there.

Verses

Brief summaries of the verses for Ayato along with potential links for those less familiar with Diabolik Lovers but still want to interact with him.  For the sake of keeping things clean, encouraging community-wide and cooperative storytelling in roleplay, and not letting things get too crazy, verses will be limited.  More may be made over time as needed.

Summaries:

| DL Anime | DL More Blood Anime | Haunted Dark Bridal | More Blood | (Coming Soon)

VERSE - HAUNTED DARK BRIDAL 

*This verse will be typically be the default, 'main verse'. In this, it is assumed that Yui Komori is staying at the Sakamaki household with some version of the first game having taken place. If the second game is included, it's with the idea that Yui stayed with the Sakamakis. Whether Ayato or one of his brothers winds up obtaining the Sacrificial Bride, Ayato will move forward.

Verse Details | Tag: #V; AYATO; HAUNTED DARK BRIDAL

VERSE - MORE BLOOD

If for some reason it's absolutely necessary to differentiate between the verse above and a verse where More Blood has certainly occured, but Yui did not (at least initially) stay with the Sakamakis and instead is currently living with the Mukamis or was, until recently, still living with the Mukamis.  Rivalry abounds and attempts to procure Yui are likely.

Verse Details | Tag: #V; AYATO; MORE BLOOD

VERSE - MISC.

Posts that could take place in the Sakamaki or Mukami verses but involve duplicates (whether Yui or others) in the same scene in a manner that would be hard to pass off as typical flow for those verses.  Also includes nearly ANY time fellow characters are staying at the mansion, otherwise we’d end up with verses of 20+ additional characters hanging out in the Sakamaki villa.  

Verse Details | Tag:#V; AYATO; MISC

SITUATIONAL VERSE TAGS

#V; AYATO; UNIVERSAL

Posts that can easily be assumed to have occured in either the Sakamaki or Mukami verses, typically answering asks, etc. that aren’t directly related to events unique to their timelines.

#V; AYATO; WHAT IFS & #V; AYATO; ONESHOTS

Likely reserved for one-off threads exploring a “what if”, a romantic meme that would otherwise be inappropriate, etc.  If a meme doesn’t quite fit with one of the existing timelines, it’ll get one of these.

Tags

THREAD / WRITING TAG: #echoes in the halls; ayato

HEADCANONS:  #hc; dialovers; ayato

IMAGES: #itt // ayato sakamaki

MUSIC:  #music; dialovers; ayato

[everything-laito]

Hypersexuality and Laito Sakamaki (UPDATED)

Hiya guys! Been a long ass time since I’ve made a post like this, I’ve been getting so much ask box activity + had school so I haven’t had the time to make an original post! This has been something I wanted to write for a while, and not only was I busy with school, but this one hits home hard to me personally, so I was going back and forth for a bit writing it. But I think I’m ready :)

I know there’s kind of a general consensus that anything DL related comes along with a trigger warning whether stated or not, but just a TW considering I’ll be talking about some real life experiences; not in depth or detail of course, but just mentions of it :) Not only is this a Laito analysis but it’s also an educational tool to help other people know about this!

So, without further ado, rant under the cut! 

Hypersexuality is something that many sexual assault/harassment and rape survivors experience after the abuse. People associate asexuality or sexual repulsion as the only (or common) psychological affect after experiencing those situations. However, there is another affect that can happen, and it is more common than people think, and aforementioned, it’s hypersexuality. It’s basically having more sexual feeling and urges after the experience, in order to cope with the nonconsensual one. And it’s exactly what Laito experienced after Cordelia’s abuse.

I’ve also experienced something like this. I don’t believe I’ve experienced it in full swing, but definitely something like it. I haven’t been raped thankfully, but I have been sexually harassed/assaulted before a handful of times. I know I’ve briefly mentioned that in other analyses, but I’m just explicitly stating it here.

I first learned about hypersexuality this year actually, and my Laito nerd brain was like “holy shit that’s the name of what Laito is going through.” Then I was like “oh fuck I’ve gone through that a little bit too.” I thought going along with  would help me “heal” myself, and it really was doing the opposite. (UPDATE: realized that what I thought was a lot of sexual trauma/hypersexuality was mostly compulsory heterosexuality (but still with those dabbled in too—quite a terrible combo) because last month I realized I’m not attracted to men! Although those experiences I mentioned did mess me up a bit, realizing this is a huge step in the right direction for my own mental well being. Just had to make this correction on my part, since the original post had more emotional investment than I would have liked it to :)) 

Like I have said in my little update, I realized I was going through mostly compulsory heterosexuality while also going through some minor sexual trauma/hypersexuality. Although again, I have not had it as bad as Laito has or other sexual assault survivors (which I am grateful for that), I still have a personal grasp of coping mechanisms with traumatic experiences or experiences I did not particularly enjoy. (If you are interested in learning more about compulsory heterosexuality, feel free to send me an ask! I just don’t feel that it’s appropriate to talk about it in regards to Laito or make a post about it, since it doesn’t relate to him)

And that’s probably also why I can resonate with Laito so much, at least on that scale, and even if I experienced a grain of what he’s going through. I know he’s fictional but these are definitely real experiences and real feelings. 

Laito’s case is a bit different than just feeling overtly sexual. Although he’s trying to heal himself through sex and other intimate actions, he’s also doing it as a type of revenge. He doesn’t like purity, and in fact, he’s quite jealous of it. I’ve heard this is also a pretty human way of coping with this type of abuse, and it is why I love Yui as a character. She’s incredibly strong and sets an example for Laito. This makes Laito jealous yet entertained by her, and that’s also a reason why he probably keeps her around. He also attempts to use Yui as a vessel to avenge his own feelings (even not knowing about Cordelia being in her at first). I  personally wasn’t like that, but given the circumstances, there’s definitely people who are. Laito’s character can be so human to me sometimes, its astonishing, despite him being a character, a vampire, and just generally does some wacky or terrible shit. 

You could say his hypersexuality could also be similar to typical Pavlovian Conditioning. You’ve probably heard of the whole experiment of training (conditioning) a dog to expect food when they hear a certain sound and thus, his mouth waters. We’re conditioned by a lot of things in our lives, from triggering a “flight or fight” response from this specific ringtone or high school bell. It’s just a built in “routine” our minds utilize to process pattern recognition. I know I say this a lot, but we don’t know how vampire brains in the DL universe compare to human brains (and quite frank, I don’t think we will), so I will just do my typical human brain picking. 

In Laito’s case, he was conditioned to “love” Cordelia in a fashion that was incredibly gross. No, I won’t sugar coat it. In my Cordelia/Laito analysis, I talk about how Laito was probably groomed. Grooming is another type of conditioning. Although I don’t believe his grooming was sexual, it definitely “prepares” the victim to be exploited in that fashion later on. It’s to build a false sense of trust to be betrayed. Later on, when Cordelia started having sex with Laito, he became used to it in a “conditioned” fashion. When someone said that Cordelia was calling him, he knew what it was. He also thought it’s what he wanted, even though he knew that he didn’t. I believe I have referenced his MB Dark Prologue monologue before, but not this part of it. Here’s the monologue: 

――Who is it that I give my love to? Throwing myself away, I caught the sight of someone Someone I didn’t recognize, Suddenly, I realized I was looking into a mirror. The mirror reflected myself within it. I couldn’t see anything else. I am disgraceful for this greed. I was wearing a visage. What I wanted, certainly was love. It’s not that easy. Because of these words, I suffer. No matter how many times love is said, The only thing that will be important to me, Is only the physical contact and body.

I know I've said it in the Laito/Cordelia analysis, but Laito is visibly confused in his flashbacks. He’s trying to grasp what love is, but then convinces himself that love is physical contact, and not emotional connection, especially near the end. He knows he’s suffering but he is still conditioned to think like this. Same case for people who suffer from hypersexuality. 

Although many people do not know why it occurs, it can be a symptom or “side effect” from disorders, medication, and the like. In the sexual trauma case, I believe a main reason is that the person utilizes sex to cope with trauma, or because they are used to sexual acts being forced upon them. That’s where conditioning still comes in. He’s treated as one of her suitors, lovers, or the like. Even as a stand-in for Richter and Karlheinz. He doesn’t consider Cordelia to be his mom until the DF Vampire ending. On top of him not receiving emotional gratification which leads to all sorts of just awful stuff for him, sexual attention is the only type that he receives until Yui comes along. He is used to not having emotional support or connections, which is why physical contact is what he is more “comfortable” with, while at the end of the day it still does not satisfy him.  

It creates a positive feedback loop of him being unsatisfied, while being confused about where he’s unsatisfied in, leading to him trying to “fix” himself or avoid his own personal, emotional problems through lust and sex, but then still finding himself not “healing.” Then the cycle continues, enthusing his hyper sexual behavior even more.

I was sent some great articles from @souchiika on the DL discord (thank you so much!) and one of the articles stood out to me, since I did not talk about this type of topic on this blog yet. Here’s the link to the article, and here’s the quote that stood out to me!

Furthermore, indirect effects were also statistically significant, providing support to the hypothesis that depression and guilt would be serial mediators of trauma-hypersexual behavior relations. The paths through depression and guilt have been found to be the most significant with moderate and high indirect effects on hypersexuality. Moreover, male gender, as covariate variable, is a relevant risk factor for hypersexual behavior.

Hypersexuality is something that is still being researched like I mentioned earlier, but since these findings came out, it definitely makes sense in Laito’s case (and in general). Like I said, Laito does feel unsatisfied and even shameful of his actions, which is more apparent in the beginning of his and Cordelia’s “relationship.” In those flashbacks, he asks himself if this is what he really wants, and although he attempts to force himself to like these actions as a coping mechanism, there is still a relative degree of shame and guilt he has. It is also apparent nearing his DF Ecstacy ending when he finds out that Karlheinz foresaw Cordelia having sex with him, and even wanted it to happen. All that shame and guilt came bellowing out while he was in a fit of distress. In initial attempts to mediate this guilt and shame, he projected his feelings onto other women through sexual acts, leading to more of this hypersexual loop. I know I talk about Laito projecting a lot, but it is frequent in his character. Like I’ve always said, it’s typical “bully” power dynamic manipulation. If Laito can bring a victim of his down to his level, then he feels better about himself (but it satisfies him for only a short while, until Yui in MB+). 

Also, note that this is no excuse or justification for him to rape or sexually assault others. It is merely an explanation as to why he does it (as for my posts in general, it’s not a justification, it’s an explanation). 

Another reminder that rape and sexual assault isn’t about the sexual urges, but about power. That’s why anybody with any background can do it, given the circumstances. 

This post was a bit hard for me to write, so I apologize if I got too overtly personal for your liking. Like I’ve said in the past, I’m not writing this to gain sympathy too, and sure that sounds superficial of me to say now (although I truly mean it), I just want to use my platform as an educational tool. Sorry about the change in my typical tone :) 

Sorry if this was too much of a doozy, I really wanted to talk about it and to educate people, despite it being a bit personal. I just felt like the most effective way was to convey how real this topic is, despite this fandom knowing about it in a fictional setting. 

I hope you have a great day! -Corn

[dialoversotaka]

50 questions about me

Rules: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes!

Tagged by @shadyraisincookie

1. What kind of food can’t you stand? Spicy food, it’s rlly bad for me

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick? There are so many things i don’t even know where to start…

3. Have you got any useless talents? I know how to roll my tongue into a 3 leaf clover

4. If you were really really good at one thing, what would it be? Knowing ppl’s true feelings/ thoughts (I’m so DENSE when it comes to ppl’s true thoughts/ feelings, if they don’t tell me what they feel/think or show it explicitly i’ll never know)

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking: Ian Somerhalder, Tommy Karevik, Jared Leto (it’s a big list so i’ll stop here)

6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid? Reading books (i get so lazy to do it nowadays)

7. What is something you’re proud of? I can summarize rlly long things and i can develop rlly big stories from one phrase

8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate? Ppl who hide their true personalities

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower? It rlly depends on the situation I’m in, sometimes i like to be the leader, but if there’s someone who’s way better than me to do it then i don’t mind staying as a follower

10. What kind of student are/were you? I’m the kind of student who doesn’t study and gets good grades (if it��s maths though, i’ll have to cram the day before if i want to pass)

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life? Starting to watch subbed movies (i mean, my english was always good, but it improved a lot when i started to watch them in their original language)

12. Name your most irrational fear/ aversion: Losing a member of my family (i get so paranoid about it, you have no idea)

13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable? I always get related to so many characters, it’s rlly hard to mention a specific one

14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties? I don’t like to drink and i’m the kind of person who sits with my cellphone till the party’s over (i’m not a sociable person soo…)

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone? I develop some kind of interest, but to rlly come to love someone other than my family takes at least a year or 2

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends? I think i already have both?

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak? When it’s my own room i’m kind of a slob, but if i’m in a school trip i’ll probably be the neatest in the whole school

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy: Any house in a state called Teresópolis (It’s in Rio de Janeiro), every house there is so CUTE, idk why but I feel so cozy just by looking at them

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday? I want to have kids someday

20. What was your favorite book as a child? It was (and still is) ‘’The Lord of the Rings’‘

21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about: Fidget spinners, they’re like meh

22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated: The Versus Song ‘’Die is Cast’’, it’s so AWESOME but not many ppl know it

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose? I wouldn’t choose anyone, i don’t like meeting new ppl so much, so being glued to her for 1 month is impossible (but when i get to know the person, i get very flexible)

24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday: Go to Japan! 

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat? i don’t generally hold back, so I speak my mind without being afraid of what ppl will think

26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in? Getting overly excited to see that my favorite manga ‘’Devils Line’’ was being translated again (I cried out of happiness… i know it’s too much, but it’s such a great manga and it had so few chapters translated, i thought i’d never read it again, but then a miracle happened, i thank God every day for it)

27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for? Speaking rlly formally and using difficult words when i was 7 years old (i had to stop cuz ppl didn’t understand me well…)

28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable? Ppl who admit their mistakes and are willing to fix them

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? I can’t think of anything…

30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones? In order of fluency: portuguese, english and still learning hebrew and japanese (i don’ wanna brag, but what can i do if it’s true?)

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside? I can’t choose, i like both!

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving? Starting my high school in Israel. I thought everyone would hate me in there and it would be awful, but the girls in my school are so nice, the mood is light and everyone gets along well, i rlly like it

33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else? I don’t like being in the center, i get too nervous if everyone suddenly starts noticing me

34. Favorite holiday? Hanukkah (not joking, i’m jew)

35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously? If it’s on a competition or a risky situation, i do my best so nothing goes wrong, but most of the times i just go like ‘’que será, será’’ (what will be, will be)

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? Going to Disneyland

37. What hobbies do you have? Mostly drawing, singing and analizing situations (like pretending to be a detective haha)

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have? I’d want to be able to fly, it would be super useful

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you: That i get rlly scary when i’m angry bcz i’m cute and it doesn’t seem like i’d explode so easily (altough depending on the situation i cool down rlly fast)

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out: Finding out the order of the DL games (I was rlly struggling to know it back then, but now i feel dumb about it…)

41. Worst injury you’ve had? When i was 8 i crashed my bike in the corner of a pillar in my playground and i opened a medium ‘’V’’ scar in my left knee (i screamed so loud it seemed like the world had stopped) and it hurt so much, my parents got rlly worried (although it hurt more when the doc put the anesthesia than when he sewed it…)

42. Any morbid fascinations? Any horror movies/ games (specially Corpse Party or The Evil Within)

43. Describe your sense of humor: It’s one of the traits ppl know me for, so  it’s very good 

44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose? I’m fine with this era, thank you very much

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at: Always judging ppl for bad

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through: That misunderstanding that happened about my HDB translation posts, but we always have something to learn from everything that happens

47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? I don’t like tattoos, so neither of them

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist? I’m more of a realist, but between those 2 i’d say pessimist

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you? That I’m as smart as Kira haha

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you: Ppl think I’m like Ayato, but in reality i’m a Reiji at heart

My tag goes to @vampiretsuki. That’s it guys! Hope you found it interesting! See ya~!

[bagleywrightlectures]

Q&A with Dorothea Lasky after her lecture, “On the Materiality of the Imagination,” Seattle Arts & Lectures, Nov. 21, 2013

Rebecca Hoogs: I am curious about your process of writing these essays, of writing prose versus writing poetry, and how those two--if those two processes are similar? Dissimilar? And where you find your sparks for each?

Dorothea Lasky: Well, about a year ago I finished a dissertation in education and that was a horrible process [laughter], because I had to think completely differently than I did when writing a poem. Everything I said had to be defended by some piece of scholarship, and it kind of was a horrible but really important experience, because I started thinking of prose that way--like that someone was ready to beat it up. Of course, you don’t think about your poems that way, they can be flimsy and fragile at times. So I think for me, writing these lectures was a wonderful kind of synthesis of the two, that I could make tiny little vulnerable leaps, but I still thought about what would happen if people tried to beat up the sentence.

RH: Where did the prose, where did the essays start from you? Did they start from poems you have loved and lived with for years? Did they start from more anecdotal observations?

DL: I guess just obsessions. In the last few years, I was able to teach some courses around themes that I wanted to, and one of them last fall was called “Roman Poetry and the Metaphysical ‘I’” and I was trying to make a synthesis between Latin poetry which I loved as a classics major in school, with hip hop. So I taught this class kinda not knowing what I was doing and then I was able to create a lecture around it. The same thing happened with color--I had taught classes on color so I was able to kind of translate the whole semester into a lecture.

RH: Can you tell us more about that? That sounds fascinating.

DL: Well I’m really really obsessed with color. I grew up--my mom is a visual artist, so I just grew up with a lot of color and visual stimuli and it was always a great source of inspiration for me in writing poems. Color has been a lifelong devotion.

RH: I read that you if you weren't a poet, then you might have been a painter. Is that true?

DL: I would have loved to, if I’d had any talent. That and a ballerina but I never took dance classes seriously.

RH: Speaking of obsessions, what would you say are some of your other obsessions?

DL: Is it okay [laughing] for me to say this on stage--? I would love--this is my dream--to be able to read everyone in the universe--not to necessarily read, but to have access to all the private thoughts and correspondences of every person in the world. That would be my dream, to have access to, like, the email passwords of just everyone in here. [laughter]

RH: It seems like that dream is coming true...

DL: Kind of like the panopticon, except I’m the panopticon. Also, animals are just a deep obsession for me. I have written a lecture called “The Animal” which is part of the Bagley Wright Lecture Series. I’m obsessed with the fur, the warmth and the fur.

RH: You just want the fur?

DL: I do, I just want the living fur.

RH: Okay. Could you talk a little bit more about your process in writing poems? Do you have a practice? What is that process like for you?

DL: Yeah, for me--my poems are really stimulated by the visual world. I think that’s just about kind of being stuck when I was little, in museums a lot of times, and not really being particularly interested, and having to have something to do. So when I’m writing poems, I just get into creating experiences for myself where I will be able to look at things for long periods of time and translate that experience into poems.

RH: The Bagley Wright Lecture Series--it was interesting, when I was reading about the Lecture Series, it’s designed specifically for mid-career poets--it has that language--and I was wondering, do you think of yourself as a mid-career poet? And In writing these lectures, has it invited you to reflect on where you are as a poet, where you’ve been and where you’re going? Has the writing of these essays affected your poems, or generated ideas for future directions?

DL: Yeah, well it was such an honor, and especially because the language is put that way. I don’t know if I would have thought of myself in that way, but I’m happy to have taken on that new definition which I will carry with me. It’s been extremely generative writing these lectures and thinking about how to create, you know, a kind of poem-essay. It’s been helpful to think about--I don’t know if you guys watch that show where they translate outfits into rooms? Have you ever watched that? It’s on HDTV or something, you know--”this is my dress; can you make me my living room?” Nobody has ever seen that show? Has it been that long? I haven’t had a TV in 5 years! Okay, you know what I mean--well, we can imagine. I think what’s been great about these lectures is taking a particular poem that I’ve  written, and thought about the structure of that, and translated it into a lecture. Like a dress into a room into a poem into a lecture. So for this lecture today, just thinking about how to see those things as simultaneous has been so helpful for my creative process.

RH: You mentioned your work in education. You edited, last year, a collection of essays and lesson ideas for how to teach poetry to young people. Why is that important to you?

DL: Well I can’t imagine a school where a person is not supported for being creative. I was so lucky and privileged to come from a home life and then (even though I did go to a public school from K-12) a wonderful school system that allowed me to express myself as much as possible, and that it really was a system that supported the arts. I’ve always been very, very afraid that there’s something about our educational system that could be turning in the other direction. And so that’s something that I hope is a lifelong fight, and that’s why I pursued some education in education--kinda meta--and decided to edit that book. So I hoped that that book would be the first of many books that I could edit through that sort of work.

RH: You said in an interview that your favorite writers might be called ‘emotive.’ What do you mean by emotive? Who might be some examples of that?

DL: I wonder when I said that? [laughs] Interesting question.

RH: or, who are some of your favorite writers--

DL: No, no--it’s a great question, I shouldn’t make a joke. I guess I feel that in order for any art or any poetry to last through time there has to be the shared imagination, but also an emotion that’s shared. So that when a poet experiences some sort of intense emotion, it doesn’t have to be specifically put in that poem, but that it should be a kind of gift that somebody is giving to the reader throughout time. So if you’ve gone through a horrible breakup and felt really awful for a long time, that you have kind of this shared--this core humanity that you can put within your poem, and even if you dress it up to be about your cat dying and not having enough Frosted Mini Wheats at the grocery store, the core of that emotion is there in the poem. And somebody two hundred years from now can take that with them. One of my favorite poets is Catullus and he’s a poet that I consider very emotive. He had a lot of youthful feelings about being in love since he died at thirty, but we can feel that passion still--that passion is timeless and that emotion we can carry with us as humanity forever. So I guess that’s the poetry I am most interested in--the poetry I would esteem to create.

RH: You mentioned being influenced by visual art, what are some of your non-poetry loves or influences? What visual arts, specifically, or music influences your work or your life?

DL: I love hip hop, and I’ve always loved Biggie, but I am--not a child, but a teenager of the nineties, so that makes sense. I always loved Gorky, Gorky was always my favorite painter when I was little. I grew up with a lot of Native American art so I actually really love Northwest Coast American art. So it’s great to be here in Seattle and see all the artwork here.

RH: What would we be surprised to know about you?

DL: Oh boy, how long do we have? Ummmmm, you might be surprised to know that I have an awful temper. I’m an Aries with a Scorpio moon, and I have an awful--it will go away very fast, but I can be extremely mean in the domestic space, that’s why I maintain--so everyone here is safe. [laughter]

RH: Unless you cross me in theatrical space you’re safe--

DL: Yes [laughs].

RH: I know we talked about your book of lessons for students, and you’re teaching tomorrow at both Hugo House and B.F. Day Elementary. I’m wondering if you could--we have many writers in the audience, and I’m wondering if you could tell us about a favorite writing prompt either for young people, or for your students, or for any writer here, and send us out into the night with an idea for writing.

DL: Yeah! So, an exercise that I love to do I call “The Red Exercise,” and it’s based on a poem by Gertrude Stein called, “A Red Hat.” Within that poem, Gertrude Stein says, “if red is in everything it is not necessary.” I’ve always been really obsessed with that line--why red? Why does it mean that it’s not necessary? So in this exercise, we always start with that poem and we talk about why red is necessary, and of course some of it--I don’t want to give too much away--is the fact that blood is red and that if we see blood everywhere that’s not necessarily a good thing. So that’s used as a highlight--in the exercise, we look for red objects and we spend a long time kinda looking at them, and then we imagine a kind of intense scene, and we look for a person interacting with red--so, someone drinking from a coke can, or somebody with red lips, or somebody, you know, driving a red car, running through a red light (hopefully not). And then we synthesize all of that into a poem, but the experience is that you start to see--you get into a red zone where you start to see red where you didn’t notice it before. It’s an exercise you could do with any color. You could get into a blue zone, a green zone, or really anything you decide--you can look for triangles, or you know, the word ‘duck’ or something like that. You can start to get in this state of noticing stimuli and synthesizing it into your work.

[yahoo-roto-arcade-blog]

Closing Time: What's a Mike Trout owner to do?

Closing Time is not designed to be an injury-focused blog, but we go where the stories go. And when the best baseball player in the world gets injured, it’s a forced lede for us. Mike Trout owners, we feel your pain.

As you likely saw over the weekend, Trout jammed his thumb on a head-first slide Sunday at Miami. Monday, the other shoe dropped — he has a torn ulnar collateral ligament, needs surgery, and will be out 6-8 weeks.

[Fantasy Football is open! Sign up now]

Even in an injury-ravaged season like 2017, fantasy owners have every reason to feel blindsided. Durability has been a key part of Trout’s game through the years. He’s averaged 158 games a year over the last four seasons, never needed a DL stint before now. Trout’s built like a tank, well-equipped to handle the wear-and-tear of the grind. Sunday’s injury tells you more about the foolishness of head-first sliding than anything else.

Trout was the consensus No. 1 pick in the Yahoo game this year, and to this point he’s still graded as the No. 1 stat-grabber: .337-36-16-36-10. That’s something that rarely ever happens. When you make that first pick, you’re merely hoping for a great season, a cornerstone — expecting the player to actually outscore everyone else is an unrealistic ask.

So what’s a Trout owner to do? Play the position. Evaluate your team, your short-term and long-term goals. Calibrate the league context. In other words, do the things we already do on a daily fantasy basis.

The first matter of business is picking up an outfielder. Obviously you’re not going to find some magical replacement, but depending on your league size, maybe you can get some of those numbers back. Here’s a shopping list:

— Very Shallow Leagues: Dexter Fowler (55 percent) is back at the top of what still could be a fun St. Louis lineup . . . Aaron Hicks (54 percent) has category juice, a discerning eye, a prospect pedigree, and is needed to play while Jacoby Ellsbury heals . . . Brandon Drury (45 percent) can help in four categories, enjoys a deep lineup and fun park, covers three positions . . . Hernan Perez (43 percent) hasn’t run like last year, but he plays most of the time and covers four spots . . . The Dodgers are using Chris Taylor (41 percent) more often than not, and he’s off to a tidy .312-20-6-19-1 start . . . Josh Bell (40 percent) took a step back in May, but his power and patience still have me intrigued.

— In Medium Leagues: Any piece of the Houston offense looks fun to me, including Carlos Beltran (39 percent) . . . Melky Cabrera (36 percent) has started to hit; he posted a .268-17-5-23 line in May . . . Cameron Maybin (35 percent) is running wild, though he’ll miss Trout’s presence in the lineup . . . Hunter Renfroe (29 percent) quietly posted an .895 OPS in May, and he’s hit five home runs in each of the first two months . . . We promoted Jayson Werth (29 percent) in the Yahoo collaborative every week, and yet he goes largely unclaimed. Deep lineup, variety of skills . . . Max Kepler (28 percent) can be especially fun if you just take the platoon-advantage work: .282/.371/.500, five homers, three steals.

— In Deeper Leagues: Kevin Kiermaier (18 percent) has started to hit, and stole five bases in May . . . Tommy Pham (seven percent) has forced his way into the Cardinals lineup, with a nice run of 69 at-bats (.333-13-5-14-4). Randal Grichuk isn’t in the way for now, sent to Triple-A . . . Reflectively we want to run from the Royals offense, but note Whit Merrifield (five percent) perked up in May (.308-14-5-10-4) . . . Matt Adams (nine percent) is the Braves first baseman while Freddie Freeman rehabs. The Atlanta park looks like a favorable place to hit . . . Michael Taylor (four percent) worries us with contact issues, but so far so good (.274 average, some category juice).

No, there’s not a blossoming superstar in the mix. That’s not how these things work. You lose a Trout, you’ve going to feel it. At least take solace in the fact that your opponents are getting ripped by injuries, too.

Trout owners could also consider trading him, liquidating the asset. Sometimes this move is dismissed out of hand by fantasy pundits, which makes zero sense to me. Trout has name-brand recognition and a track record that sells itself. Shouldn’t you at least calibrate how your opponents feel about his comeback? Maybe someone in your league will carry more optimism than you will.

[Why do we call Lance McCuller’s a sell-high? Listen in]

Keep in mind, the Angels are a team miles away from contention. The club wants Trout to return quickly and all that, but it’s not like the urgency of a playoff race is driving the timetable. Trout still has his entire career to think about. And maybe it will take some time for him to get back up to full throttle.

Obviously this isn’t a “sell at any cost” recommendation. Just do what any reasonable and measured person does in these types of spots, consider every alternative. If I owned Trout anywhere — and because I didn’t do well in the draft lottery, I do not — I’d let my league mates know he was available. Heck, my entire roster is in play at any time, because having untouchables doesn’t make sense. You never know what type of heavy overpayment someone might be willing to assemble.

• I don’t know what Alex Avila is having for breakfast these days, but pour me a bowl of it, too.

You might remember Avila’s salad days — he was a star back in 2011, posting a .295-19-82 line. His game fell apart over the next few years, and he was backup for Detroit and Chicago in 2015 and 2016.

No idea where it came from, but every Alex Avila at-bat is a work of art. He’s a craftsman. Spitting on borderline pitches, using park.

— scott pianowski (@scott_pianowski) May 22, 2017

Avila returned to Detroit this year — swapping his old 13 for a new 31 — and initially he was just a backup catcher and infield fill-in. A familiar city to start his 30-something seasons. Alas, a hot start and some Tigers injuries elsewhere have pushed Avila into more playing time than expected, with juicy results: .323/.447/.591, six homers, 21 walks in 93 at-bats.

Avila’s batting eye isn’t a new thing — as Dave Cameron of Fangraphs pointed out, Avila’s plate discipline has been outstanding for several years. Avila’s ridiculous .453 BABIP sticks out, though he’s driving those results to some extent (28.8 percent line-drive rate and 57.4 percent hard-hit rate, both well above league average).

James McCann, Detroit’s regular starting catcher, is currently on the DL. It’s a hand-laceration injury, not something that should need an extended recovery. Nonetheless, Avila has turned into an auto-play for two-catcher formats, and I’m even rolling him out in a few leagues that require a single backstop. The at-bats have been that pretty, and the position has been a fantasy wasteland. Let’s take production where we see it, and when we can get it.

• If Trout was the injury of Monday, Hunter Strickland was the insult. San Francisco’s combustible reliever decided to throw a heater at Bryce Harper’s midsection, an obvious retaliation for a couple of moon-shot homers Harper cranked off Strickland in previous playoff meetings.

A gloriously-absurd brawl ensued.  Harper, for some reason, sucks at throwing his helmet. How come Buster Posey didn’t enter the mix? (Makes you wonder how Posey and Strickland get along these days.)

In honor of Bryce Harper’s helmet toss. 5 worst throws near mound pic.twitter.com/Ak7w1qz9jO

— Batting Stance Guy (@BattingStanceG) May 29, 2017

Harper is obviously headed for a suspension, it’s just a matter of when it falls, how many days it is, and how Harper decides to approach it. Strickland will be suspended too, not that fantasy owners need an answer for that.

[junker-town]

The Reds and Cubs had an incredibly silly shoving match

Sunday’s Say Hey, Baseball takes a look at a lame skirmish that took place on Saturday afternoon.

Baseball brawls are a bit of a guilty pleasure for all of us. Yeah, there’s always the chance that you could see someone get seriously hurt during one of these donnybrooks and you could also argue that the fights put a stain upon the game and set a bad example for any kids who might be watching. With that being said, sometimes you just want to be privy to seeing two guys throw punches (and likely miss) at each other while on a baseball diamond and it’s fun to observe and talk about.

Unfortunately, that’s not what we got in Cincinnati when tempers reached a bit of a boiling point between the Cubs and Reds. Instead, we got the lamer sibling of the baseball brawl, which is the baseball shove-fest where nothing but exchanges of shoves and various obscenities take place. The reasoning behind this particular skirmish was silly as well — Javy Baez took offense to Amir Garrett loudly expressing how happy he was with striking out Baez, so they both confronted each other and that led to the benches clearing and the red team yelling at the blue team for a bit.

No punches were thrown, nobody was thrown out and the game proceeded normally. In fact, it had an interesting ending as the Reds ended up winning via walk-off walk in the 11th inning. The Cubs and Baez got the best form of revenge in the form of a 10-0 blowout victory in the second game of the Saturday doubleheader and that’s what makes the brawl-that-wasn’t a bit of a bummer.

Instead of having a moment that could have been remembered, promoted by MLB and then subsequently shamed by MLB once they handed out fines and suspensions, this skirmish felt like more of a speed bump in the road towards completing the doubleheader than anything else. Your mileage may vary depending on how you feel about brawls in baseball but at first glance, this entire situation seems like much ado about nothing. They can’t all be pugilistic classics!

If you do want to read about an actual pugilistic classic in baseball history (and a bit of a warning for the future), then Grant Brisbee has you covered with this analysis of that time when the ‘98 Yankees wanted to punch Armando Benitez into 2018.

If you hit an inside-the-park home run and score standing up, you are a shoo-in for Play of the Day. Those are the rules, now someone call Aaron Hicks so he can accept this prestigious award.

Howie Kendrick suffered an extremely unfortunate Achilles injury and while he’s been placed on the 10-Day DL, it sure seems like his season is very likely over.

As a result of Kendrick’s injury, the Nationals have decided to call up 19-year-old Juan Soto. Soto started this season in the Sally League and now he’s in the majors. Wow.

Sergio Romo started for the Rays yesterday (we told you about it on Saturday morning) and he’ll be doing the same thing today as well. Look at the Rays!

Pablo Sandoval has been doing everything except ground maintenance for the Giants this season, so of course it makes sense that San Francisco would consider putting him at second base for a bit.

Just when things started looking up for the Dodgers after an encouraging doubleheader win in Washington, they got some bad news in regards to Rich Hill.

Speaking of the Dodgers, they’ve had a surpisingly bad start to the season so far and MLB Daily Dish took a look at five of the most surprising teams (for better or worse) in baseball this season.

Even though the Royals are starting to get a bit exciting on the field, Royals Review feels like the team should still “trade everyone.”