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m3tr0n0m333 · 2 days

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»A SPARK OF HOPE«

A fankid AU: Introduction

Circa 200 years into the future…

Past the death of the renowned, world famous hero: Sonic the Hedgehog, his immortal rival resides in a secluded location not many know about, or dare to stumble upon. He’s made himself a peaceful abode, isolated from the rest of the world— prying eyes or hands seeking his power or presence.

Shadow merely wishes to live without the stress of catastrophe weighing on his shoulders. And with the death of the biggest villain of the era- Doctor Robotnik, he succeeds for the most part- until a mysterious illness overcomes him, and he’s forced to reach out for help.

Upon wandering to the familiar-yet-changed Emerald Town, Shadow spots a recognizable logo on a building.

With curiosity and intrigue, the ebony hedgehog makes his next exploration the inside of this tall establishment.

[REFS AND MORE UNDER CUT]

No, it will not stay this well formatted most of the time. Guess I just felt like putting effort into it.

This au focuses around Tails, Shadow, and my fankid, Sparks! (No ships between these three, although they do end up as a family of sorts.) (+ Silver, who exists around this time, gets to be the cool cousin of sorts)

Shadow, as described, had isolated himself for quite a few years. And got an illness. But it’s far from mysterious.

His inhibitor rings have rusted and aren’t as effective as they were, well, 200 years ago, causing his chaos energy to run irregularly and make him fatigued/sick. Of course, it was a gradual process, so it was a little difficult to have spotted it right away. And when you’re sick, the obvious becomes… less obvious?

During this lengthy intermission between supposed canon and au, (I may go off canon quite a bit. I’m not professionally well versed in all the Sonic lore…) Miles Prower (formedly gone as “Tails” for his iconic two tailed ‘mutation’) had grown rather successful. A well-off entrepreneur of his own brand. He lives comfortably, although he does lack the bonds he once had.

As a kitsune, Miles’ life expectancy is lengthened, and gaining another tail every 100 years. He had existed much past his more mortal friends and allies, but pushed forwards to a brighter future, sort of. In this time, he has developed more of his kitsune oriented abilities, taking a favor to illusions.

Shadow wanders upon the main building, the HQ erected at Emerald Town, where his house once was. As Shadow wanders, Miles is aware of the old friend bumbling through the building and decides to play a little prank with some illusions and the high tech security measures he has installed in the building. (Nothing harmful, promise)

Once Shadow reaches the top, Miles reveals himself with a bold act of bravado. As of which they have some reunion and reaccqeuaintence time. Shadow explains his problem to Miles, Miles points out the problem and offers to make Shadow new inhibitor rings (and fix his air shoes in the process). Afterwards, he offers a residence for Shadow with him, but the hedgehog refuses, intending to return to his reclusive life.

On his path of return, he comes across a kid, sitting alone in the rain.

He resembles someone.

Spiky blue quills colored like the wind and the sky, peachy fur on his chest and muzzle. Pointed ears, although a bit droopier.

He sat with his legs pressed against his chest, on the edge of the sidewalk. Alone, yet he wears an expression closer to irritation rather than fear or melancholy.

After some questioning, he discovers that the kid ran from an orphanage, one he describes as nasty and disrespectful to him, like gum sticking his shoe to the floor. He describes that he had ran, to find some freedom. He’s a fast runner, you know? Maybe if he can get faster and faster, he may actually break the barrier keeping him chained to the orphanage.

When the sky darkens, illuminating the moon and the stars, Shadow stands. To lead the kid back to where he should be encourages him to have hope, but without acting to give him it. Words are empty when actions don’t reflect it.

The kid begs to let him free. Lead him somewhere else, not back to his prison. No one will take him back in the orphanage. He deserves to be free. He can take care of himself out here- a string of reasons to grasp why he shouldn’t go back.

Shadow continues to walk in silence.

…

Perhaps it was pity. Shadow would like to believe it is, but it’s hard to describe the pull of his actions towards another decision. He felt this was right, despite denial weighing on this choice.

Shadow returned to the tall building, where Miles— although surprised to see his return— welcomed him back warmly. When asked for the reason of his return, Shadow provides a rather bashful explanation.

He doesn’t know how to take care of a child.

—

References + Character Design and Personality Rambles

Eyyyy it’s the old man (quite literally at this point. He’s like 200+ years??). How did he survive all those years in isolation without going insane?? I have no idea. He probably talks to the animal inhabitants of the place he lived in I think. I like to think maybe he found himself an ancient library to make himself at home and spent most of his time reading books and doing house chores.

To be honest I tried to reference other Shadow redesigns because I also wanted to put some more Black Arms traits on him, but I honestly don’t know know much about the Black Arms so all he got was a longer tail <3

He’s a tiiiny bit pinker in this design. Like the red highlights on his quills are more pivoted towards the pink on the color wheel, and the white fur also has a tint of pink. No reason. He just gets to be slightly pinker. As a treat.

^^ (Miles noticed. Shadow did not.)

Anyways, you may be wondering, why didn’t Shadow take the offer of staying with Miles the first time? After being alone without friends were so long, you would think he is drawn to the idea of having company again. Well, the thing is, I think that Shadow hates change, in a way. He’s drawn himself away from society, lived self sustained, without the pressures and all that. Suddenly, he gets the offer to reintegrate into a society he is not well versed in? Seems incredibly overwhelming. And Shadow believes he was perfectly content in his serene lifestyle.

He only reconsidered the second time because he doesn’t know how to take care of the kid he freshly adopted (and probably not correctly adopted either) and only thought of Tails for help. As far as he knows, Tails is the only other old friend that exists alongside him right now so…

This sets up the story of Shadow and Tails tries to take care of this kid and slowly forms into a type of found family that doesn’t quite fit into the boundaries of what a family would be like. They are not even close to traditional family roles, I think, other than a child-parent relationship between Shadow and Sparks (who I have yet to introduce)

During this story, Shadow gets back into the action of adventure again. He’s reminded of the exhilaration he felt in the past. Even little things such as banter and skating down hill. He missed it all, although he doesn’t admit it.

Here is Miles!! He dropped the name “Tails” after a while, deeming it something he doesn’t identify as deeply with anymore. (Maybe because no one was around to call him that old nickname anymore)

So you know how I mentioned he’s become an entrepreneur of sorts? It was bound to happen, I think. Imagine living 200+ years and still not figuring out how to earn the most money and live comfortably.

Anyways, while coloring his design, I did realize that he vaguely reminds me of Eggman… it’s probably the red, gold and white colors. Fits him well though, yeah? He always did share some traits with Eggman, I think. He just turned out more benevolent, he still has the high tech tendencies that Eggman held, as well as other habits.

I think Miles had earned some of an ego over time. When most acquaintances leave(died), and you rise to the top, everyone feels so far. And Miles stop bothering to seek out meaningful relationships to save him some suffering. He can still have fun, he can still have friends- just not with the strong intimate bond he had with his initial family.

When Shadow returned, he felt a spark- the hope- the opportunity to have a semblance of the old life again. Nostalgia is a strong feeling. That is why he offered for Shadow to stay. He didn’t expect him to, but that didn’t stop his heart from swelling with joy when Shadow did return.

Here is Sparks! The kid Shadow picked off the street yaknow yaknow… He is meant to resemble Sonic. Not uncannily resemble him though. Just enough that both Shadow and Tails can look at him and think… he kind of reminds me of his other blue hedgehog I had a deep connection with….

Part of why Shadow adopted Sparks is honestly because of his resemblance to Sonic. He would not like to acknowledge it, as it seems like such a cruel thing to give the hope of a new connection to someone that doesn’t know that that new connection did not start off new at all in the other side.

Of course, Sparks acts nothing like Sonic, despite similar appearances. Even though Sparks also shares the same sentiments— wanting freedom— as well as abilities— such as superspeed— Sparks acts more towards the pessimistic side. He’s not as charming as Sonic had been. (And although he does have superspeed, I believe it’s not to the extent that Sonic had.)

Additionally, when Shadow had been taking him back to the orphanage, he really wasn’t forced. Sparks intended to follow him back. Perhaps out of habit. And inevitable loop of escaping but returning once again. But also because if cowardice, knowing he wouldn’t be able to make it by himself. He’s immature, he’s inexperienced, Sparks is aware of that, yet still tries- only to the extent of what he knows he can succeed: aka running away, but never staying away. His cowardice is one of the traits he does not share with Sonic.

During his description of the orphanage to Shadow, he’s a bit of an unreliable narrator. The orphanage isn’t as miserable as Sparks describes it as. It’s a pretty normal orphanage, Sparks is just a troublemaker- and he hates the idea of being trapped in one place.

Anyways, Sparks resembles a star of sorts. He’s a little star themed. <3

#a spark of hope #sonic au #sonic fanchild #sonic fancharacter #sonic fankid #sonic fan character #sonic oc #shadow the hedgehog #tails the fox #miles tails prower #sonic #sonic the hedgehog #UHH READ THIS ALL IF YOU CAN OREETTY PLEAAAASE I WORJED SO HARD ON IT :3 #its even got little visuals….#Sparks #Sparks the hedgehog #my art :3 #text post

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rose022 · 5 months

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hey anyone wanna do my homework for me and i will draw or write literally anything you want pretty please im losing my mind

#rose rambles #uhm. hi sorry #itd be social studies and sociology and youre allowed to google the answers #i just literally cannot sit and read through text like it hurts my head #and its so hard to just sit and focus on doing it #which is stupid and idk how ill survive college if i cant even do this but whatever #who knows if ill actually make it another year #wait uh i didnt say thay we chill

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faaun · 5 months

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procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally

#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months #to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them #in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago.#(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought #i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are #and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it #its worth missing i think #i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over #(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year)#(hed come across the bridge on a lake)#we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared.#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think #i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much.#and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat #they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand #how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much #i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around #something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode #arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully #last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing #and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets #and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably #have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused #blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like #i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much #my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to #music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads #i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says #what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine.#she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.

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triglycercule · 10 days

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guys i havent written since may (for killer's birthday) but stupid silly swapinverse has been on my mind for a little bit and i threw together this silly (he has a panic attack and throws up) little short draft 4 swapinverse horror!!

“hah… ah… oh god… no, no, nonono…”

he ran. sprinted through the forest like a frightened deer, his demeanor that of prey, although his previous actions aligned more of a predator. panting and shaking, his mind cycled through countless variations of how to react to what just happened, what he just did.

how should he react? how could he react? it was impossible to tell for him in the panicked state. and as the trees in snowdin slowly began to surround him (but weren't they always doing that?), paranoia couldn't run anymore. he was surrounded, he was blocked off, he couldn't escape. not from horrortale, not from snowdin, not from the dusty graveyard he had just left it, and not from the blood smeared across his mouth.

“no, i- what did, what did i do? paps, snowdin, even-undick, no, it-”

paranoia’s incoherent rambles brought his hands to wander across his face, tugging at the massive hole in his skull spanning majority of the left side of his head. picking at the chipped bone didn't help, it never did, but a nervous habit was unbreakable, and he was more than nervous in this moment. in fact, quite terrified. everything was terrifying. he was terrifying. and as the slightest hint of red blood touched his sleeve, the once red, now magenta eye quickly locked onto it, and he couldn't hold it back anymore.

“fuck- oh god, no, aliza-!”

falling to his knees, a disgustingly gorey mess of red, pink, and black spilled from his mouth. sounds of retching and hurling were all that filled the empty forest, and paranoia couldn't bear to look down and see the mess he’d made. the mess he’s caused. wasted food, he would've said. but that statement normally only applied to others. he never imagined using it on himself. choking on his spit and certainly not his blood, tears fell from his eye, joining the vomit and blood seeping into the snow. strange. paranoia didn't think he had enough magic to even shed tears anymore. just for the bare necessities. he managed to surprise even himself, after all this time.

but could it be could be considered surprise, or rather terror? he fit up to his name, certainly horrified at his own actions. forcing out as much of the grossness he could that he’d just consumed, paranoia couldn't help but look down at what he’d done.

red. a lot of red. too much red. he’d never been queasy before, never. he had to adapt to it, being the one to hunt down humans that ran or sneak up on those when times got desperate. there was no time or need to be queasy at what he even considered his job before. a duty he had to do.

but now, there was too much red. far too much red. and he didn't know why, although he totally knew, but paranoia couldn't stomach it. he just threw his guts out (shouldn't they be aliza’s guts, or no?), and here he was, wanting to throw up until his SOUL shattered. his SOUL cycled through those strange 4 shapes, unsure of which to settle on. he couldn't blame it. paranoia himself was unsure of what was even going on anymore. he wanted to run, but was frozen. he wanted to scream, but didn't know who at.

everything was contradicting. everything was going on, and not enough was given for paranoia to understand how to deal with it. and with a muttered curse, he flopped on his side onto the somehow dry snow, losing consciousness in the haze of fear now intermingled with his SOUL.

ik theres probably grammar mistakes i wrote this on my phone,,,, but like idk. had idea for a little moment in paranoia's lore and i sure as hell didn't wanna draw it so i wrote it as an easier media! god this is so much easier compared to drawing idk why i dont do this more often (because youre lazy silly!) anyways swapinverse silly i love swapinverse. i've only thrown up like never so i dont know if this works. also never had a panic attack (i think) and AGAIN i dont know if this is accurate but whatever i dont write to be good i write for expressing my ideas. like everything i do

#i might do another 4 savior and mania??? who knows #i feel like i cannot talk about the others in swapinverse unless i fully finish viceser and crash #and also thalia and melpomene are just too intertwined with multiverse lore that if #i make stuff about them it must be after i finish the swapinverse multiverse and lore and stuff #but mst are kinda seperated from that thing. none of the murder swap trio have anything to do with multiverse #so i can write about them just in their sole universes ans itll be ok #since ive already finished everything about them and their aus #aside from figuring out how theyll join the mv wifh the rest of the swapinverse fellas #i only had swapinverse on mind because i wanted to draw mst poly #i think thats the first time i've ever uttered that phrase. mstpoly. murder swap trio poly #damn...... i really should work on swapinverse more #this is ngl sooo not so ugh i feel like idk. could be cooler could be better #just that it feels kinda like word vomit. not really anything of substance #but ngl thats kinda just how i write sooo idk what i expected #i just get myself into the mindset and mind and write everything i think #my shitty form of method acting! 😇😇😇#guys i made a new friend are you proud of me. it wasn't in school tjo #it was in my art class. i feel like they dont use she/her but idk anything else so ill just stick to they from now #object show fan. also phighting whatever the fuck that is. like an alternate universe version of me #i really shouldnt say that when we've only been friends ish for 2 days. but like theyre kinda similar to me #i think? i dont know. ngl i havent even asked their name yet in case they have another they'd prefer #or pronouns or anything like that i just havent gotten a chance to do so #for some reason we talk like we've been friends for years which is really weird to me. is it just a them thing?#bc ive never spoken to someone like that so openly before its kinda weird ngl. i actually got to speak about my utmv interest which was coo #i think. idk they dont seem that interested which fair. but i sent a paragraph about the mtt and they said tldr and it made me feel ngl sad #because like.... idk..... i tried watching some of the object shows they recommended and they seemed to enjoy that #but then when i recommend underverse or talk about mtt they don't really match my enthusiasm.... which ok thats fair i dont mind that #but it does make me sad. whatever..... whatever ill deal with it. maybe ill keep watching some of these shows they recommended #so i can have something of interest that they like that i can bring up incase they get bored or me or something #tricule write

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thebigqueer · 27 days

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i dont wanna eat anything or do anything and i just wanna lay around but i also dont wanna do that and i dont wanna watch anything or read anything and idk what i wanna do

#i was supposed to have someone review my resume and i was banking on the fact that maybe talking to someone instead of being alone in my roo #would help me out but the whole appointment system maker thing was messed up so we couldnt even meet #so i literally hvae nothing better to do than wait the next few days to get back to campus #and i was soooo excited to go back to school and i still am cuz i know itll make me feel better being around people #but im just a lot less excited than i was #cuz i just really really hate the idea of having to spend another fall semester getting over someone #like i couldve probably handled spring semester. but fall semester???? when theres already enough desolateness as it is???#like i just hate hate htae the idea of being on buses and starting to cry again and its midnight at 4pm when im crying #and theres people everywhere and the wrost part is shes literally on the same campus as me!!! so now i might actually see her!!!#and i dont want to!!!#i want to be friends but right now i know if i see her again ill just start sobbing on the spot #i was so excited for thsi fall sem but now im just notttt #and i know ill be busier (hopefully) this sem so im sure ill be better off than last year #but still like. idfk i dont know what to do. i think i just need to hear someone elses voice #im supposed to talk to my friend later today so maybe thatll help #cuz im kinda ready to tell someone about it but what if she telsl me she cant call what am i suppsoed to doooo #cuz last year the person iw as getting over lived a bajillion miles from me so it was easier!!! but she and I live 5 mins from each other #AND SHES FREINDS WITH LIKE ALL MY ROOMMATES #THEYRE ALL HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS !!!!#GODDDD.#i mean there are def upsides to this . for example its good we broke up now #cuz imagine if we broke up cuz of a fight and then thered be a big issue in the friend group #but it ended well and i dont think our friends / roommates will be 'picking sides'#as long as i just dont do anything drastic lol #adn who knows maybe our friendship will bounce back and i really hope it does!!#but she and i didnt start off as friends we kinda went into this knowing we were into each other to begin with #so like how do i be friends with her you know???#and friendship is soo important to me so its not like i dont want to be friends with her. i really really do. i just dont know how itll wor #like i value friendship over romantic relationships any day but also our relationship felt so deep to me #which is why im scared that we wont be friends even though i know we both want to be

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bunnyb34r · 9 months

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Two medium, two topping, pizzas should not cost $50 with tip 😭 wtf is this shit

#marquilla #i mean mom got extra everything on hers so it was a full $7 more but like come on man 😭 its not even good pizza #the place that makes actual handmade pizzas with (nasty to me) Wisconsin cheese and is CHEAPER actually is carry out only #and mom said 'fuck that ill get what youre getting i guess :( '#it's $50 including the tip idk if i was clear there #i add 'please' every time i add a request lol like 'make the meat crispy please' 'side door please' bc im overly polite (try ordering at a #sit down restaurant with me ill put you to shame with all my pleases) and i just hope that we dont get a stalker delivery guy bc of that #again. we had one guy who would recognize our name on the order and volunteer to deliver it himself 😬 stopped getting it there for ab a #year at least after that hoping to wait him out...#anyway i put please after every special instruction thing bc i know they get treated like shit and i wanna not be another asshole #oh i remember why he kept delivering to us like that it was bc i said please and i put in the delivery instructions #to have a nice day or 'drive safe' and he thought that was so nice. like well im a nice person... and i want you to deliver my pizza w/o #you risking an accident trying to be quick like dominos (look up why it's no longer 30 min or less)#dominos is such nasty ass pizza too omg sgsggsgs we got it ONCE bc DogCousin likes it and god never again #it was like $70 or something for 3 people yuck id rather nasty ass papa Johns cardboard shit than that #anyway shshshhs

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medsformyhead · 2 years

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deadass i’m about to ghost my therapist and np. you can take your meds and shove them up your ass and you can take your words and give them to someone who actually wants them.

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g0thsoojin · 2 months

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🦴..

#he thought i was too emotionally fragile to listen to him :((( so he didnt come to me with his struggles #even if he wanted and needed to #which makes me so upset too bc like #i CAN hear it. i WANT to hear it i want to be there for him!!!!#but me and my fkn whining made him feel like he had to be careful with my emotions and not burden me #im just so.... i regret it all so much #so this is a big part of why i need to try to separate that blog i have sentimental attachment to and actually successfully have a #blog specifically for venting... bc i cant risk this ever happening again #i mean atm i dont ever wanna talk to anyone again bc everyone hates me and i will only hurt everyone and everyone are mean lol #so yeah.... but to think i couldve avoided all this and he wouldnt have pulled away from me if i hadnt run my dumb fkn mouth on that blog..#i regret i so much my body hurts i wanna throw up and cry and rip my hair out how tf did i let that happen #but also another reason is that... i really dont know why but last year i got more active followers and too many ppl see my blog :///#which means more assholes who are mean and rude to me #so everytime i vent im hyperaware and anxious abt ppl judging me silently #or sending rude anons and i dont feel comfortable anymore #also... there is one guy... who .. idk why but he has this weird... attachment to me #and he gets mad that i dont want him and calls me stupid for pining over someone who doesnt want me #(actually the entire problem is that the loml did want me but i fucked it up)#and he sends mean anons and want me to talk to him everyday even if he doesnt even reply to what i say when i message him and idk #i feel uncomfortable bc he looks at my blog and judges me and is mean and i hate it :/#i wish i had done this earlier..#which ive actually tried several times but i always end up fkn whining my head off on my main anyway #idk why. but i have to find a way to stop bc i just dont want this to be a source of unease for me anymore #ill always hate myself for letting it fuck it up with him tho bc i cant imagine ever loving anyone this much.... fuck i hate myself i really #i really hate myself... and already now when im like yeah imma stop #ive already made several whiny too vulnerable vent posts on that blog like can i stop??? whats wrong with me ohmyfkngod

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delicatetaysversion · 2 months

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sometimes i miss talking to that one person who didn't NEVER turned it into a competition about who has it worse and never told me well atleast you have [x]

#weirdly i think she was the only one #my irl bestie called and was ranting about her miserable life and #it's the exact same thing ive been going through for years her parents won't let her move to another city #she can't make friends here she hates it here her parents are being overbearing and don't understand the importance of socialising #with people her age and they tell her to just hang out with her family all day and don't give her privact #like. okay. i love her ive been listening to her complain about how her mom comes into her room sometimes. and just #i was okay listening to it okay im no judge for how someone's feeling and my bad might be their worst #but then she goes like well atleast you'll know you'll get to move out after you finish your degree for a job #like. wow okay. atleast you got to enjoy 3 years of college at the coolest city in india atleast you got to have vibrant life experiences #and learned so much about the world made tons of friends visited a hundred places had a boyfriend #went to clubs increased your netword learned how to be street smart and talk well #i hate to be resentful ofcoursr im happy for her and ofc i understand this is a hard time #but like god seriously. she'll never know what it feels like think you'll live your life as you pass 12th because they let your elder siste #go to college and she had the best times and then suddenly you're 17 and they twll you well actually we made a mistake and we won't repeat #it ever so you're just gonna stay home where we watch you 24/7 and ww won't even let you go to classes that have somewhat okayish people #because you can't have friends because they'll distract you from your studies #and she'll never know what it's like working towards a dream everyday that seems so fucking faw away and unreachable #when you're not even good at studying and especially focusing because yeah parents fucked you up majorly!!#like im sorry but try being completely hopeless and alone and isolated losing your friends one by one watching everyone #grow and find themselves as you rot in your room try to do better try to find happiness but it's impossible it's never enough #and try to study for a really fucking hard course in the middle of all that #and then tell me that atleast ill get to go out after i finish #like seriously try fucking living my life for one day and then talk #god i know ive become resentful and bitter because of a thing in my childhood but i don't know how to stop #ugh i never should've picked up the phone i was studying so well before that #anyway. i miss talking to that one person who was sensitive and sweet and encouraging always yk #i miss hearing i completely understand you because im going through the same things (def worse imo) and we'll get through this together #man.#chappell roan was so right actually i hate that i let this go on for so long now i hate myself

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a-sleepy-ginger · 3 months

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21/6/24

❊✺❂✺❊

Had alot of fun drawing

Yuru camp

#happiness diary #happiness diary: june 2024 #was real tired for the past few days cus i ran out of my antihistamines so i had to use the shop bought ones #and they always make me a zombie #still kinda getting over the tired cus the ones i use make me tired when i first start taking them but im more uh aware i guess now #also guess who got bad results from her biopsy and needs to get another one :)#third time my skin has tried to kill me and third time ive caught it before it can do anything #so its not as bad as it could have been #but still not great to hear yeah your skin was trying to kill you and we need to chop your arm again #also never fun to have the doctor say well talk more in the cancer appointment (cant remember what its actually called)#dunno why theyre calling it a cancer appointment thing when its precancer #like we stopped it so its not a cancer appointment #maybe i just dont like it #it was funny though cus the doctor on the phone was like have you had any other moles change #and i just was like its been only a couple weeks since you last saw me i dint think so #oh also they didn't bither trying to phone my mobile tgey went straight to the house phone #i mean i was waiting for the phonecall since the day after my appointment and i was hyper aware of every sound that could have been made #by my phone #but when the house phone rang i was just like oh thats for me #but then my parents didn't call me through or anything so i just sat in my room like ...?#then later it rang again and again i was like its for me and sure enough my mother call d me through #it always sucks whn you just know #last time i saw the postman outside delivering letters to other people and my heart just sank and I knew he had the letter with bad news #it is funny though cus my dad thought the phone call was spam and thats why they didn't tell me #he was like look at the number its probably a mobile its spam and ignored it #which is what i did cus the nhs number looks like a spam number whuch is why i have it saved in my phone now #so yeah #im not happy about it but im glad i caught it early enough again #wonder if it wouldve been in situ if the doctor i saw a year ago decided to take it off then #wonder how close it was to stage one... guess ill find out

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be-good-to-bugs · 3 months

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WOW i am way overemotional lately

#the bin #makes sense since im suddenly living with my mom and 4 different siblings after almost 2 years #and everything here is extremely different. ive been SO overemotional the past few days especially. but ive also been sick so ofc i have #bleh. im aglad that it doenst bleed into my behavior around people much. esp with irl stuff #i still treat my siblings nicely and dont like. flip out for no reason. i have 1 useful skill and its this lol #but itss good i have it because i am pretty much always an emotional wreck bc ny life sucks and has sucked for its entirety #i dont think its ever not sucked. like even when i was a baby. i dont remember being a baby but i do know that when i was a baby my parents #neglected me so. i guess my kufe has just always been bad. but hey. at least im still nice to other people. unlike literally everyone else #i know who when tehyre in a bad mood they go SO mean. but in (most) of their defense they are traumatized children so like. fair enough #ur going through it and we all process stuff different. i bet its nice to have a brain that feels safe to express that stuff haha #i think abt how awful i always feel and how hard doing anything is a lot and i relaly think that if i had friends things would be ok for me #i cant helo that im psychotic or that i have a bunch of physically painful disabilities or any of that but i think i coupd deal with it all #and feel ok if i just had like. any person who i was friends with. i dont have anyone at all and i havent for a long time. no wonder i feel #like shit 100% of the time and im constantly overwhelmed and upset and panicing and all my mental illnesses are unbearable #like. no wonder i have wanted to die nonstop since the age of 11. yeah no shit. everything has been fucking horrible thus far and i dont #have any freinds that make being alive worth it #someone should give me a good peize for not being dead right now bc god. evwry second of every day that im awake its so hard #lol no wonder i immediately developed a drug addiction. hey man its better than being so miserable you wanna die literally all the time #at least there SOMETHING that turns it off for awhile. hate when people act like addiction is the worst thing in the world #maybe the thing people develop addictions to cope with is worse actually. and that needs solved first or else whats the point #oh but my opinion doenst matter apparently bc im just a cRaZy DeLuSiOnAl AdDiCt and my opinion cant be trusted #bleh. whatever. at least i have my tumblr posts that are veey rareky even seen by other people to scream into the void whatever im upset abt #thats almost like talking to another person

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arolesbianism · 6 months

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Thinking abt the random card au again. Why must it go so crazy hard I miss it sm

#rat rambles #random card au #no matter how far I drift from my bndori and sekai peak days the random card au keeps hitting me like a truck every now and then #it just scratches an itch that I havent been able to satisfy since my cr days years and years ago #I wouldnt say the random card au has super similar worldbuilding to my old cr stuff as that was much more large scale #but it still has a similar appeal to me I think #I think its the building entirely new worldbuilding based off of designs and general vague starting concepts and bringing them all together #that gets me invested as it feels so satisfying slotting it all together and then actually getting to play out the story in this new web #I loveeeee jumbled webs of worldbuilding and characters that all tie together in a way that makes it almost impossible to completely #seperate one cast of characters from another #I love the feeling of a world with a bunch of intertwining plots like that even if it makes it near impossible to format a normal story #like my cr stuff was just so much man I still miss it sometimes even if I hate cr itself #Ive become a much better story creator too now so I know I could make what I had so much better nowadays and I already like my old stuff #it just makes me all the more sad that I went so crazy hard on worldbuilding for a franchise that sucks ass </3 #it may have been two of the worst years of my life but Ill also never reach that worldbuilding high again I think #oh also it made me actually start the slow slow process of getting more ambitious with my art and doing more digital stuff #rly thats the biggest reason the random card au pains me so since I wanna post stuff for it but man do I not wanna draw anyone from it #first of all human characters so already eh but also Id have to adapt the cards theyre based on into a design I can actually draw #so as much as I wanna make a billion random card au animatics I cant even bring myself to draw them normally #you see olivia and jackie are easier to draw because I just made shit up for their designs and as such made their designs very simple #but I cant just make shit up for bndori and sekai characters they actually have designs and hair that Id have to adapt to my style it sucks #I just wanna draw doggy arisa is that so much to ask for (yes yes it is I dont wanna figure out her hood)#also rip mygo yall will probably never get in but who knows maybe one day Ill have my second bndori era and then y'all will get in #its rly just the fact that they likely wont have enough cards to properly add them for another few years #especially if that other band also gets in if that happens neither are getting enough cards until the servers shut down lol #like I Could just pick and choose but thats boring #kinda ruins the point of the au y'know?#like tbf Ive cheated in the past by reroling two and limiting my options with several sekai characters #but thats just because at the time most sekai characters had almost no usable cards for this au and the two I rerolled were also unusable #like Im sorry but I couldnt just add normal ass hagumi and masking it wasn't happening

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whimsicmimic · 6 months

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once again thinking about my post-trimax legato somehow miraculously survives despite everything au and vashgato agenda aka The Worlds Most Miserable Roadtrip

#one of these days ill get back to it #its the fucking. anger and hatred and loathing from legato @ vash #because legato and vashs entire dynamic is fucking #legato has lain down on the tracks. and he doesnt want to be saved. he needs vash to be the train that runs him over.#and then he lives. somehow. he missed his chance to die.#he had no reason to live. his one reason to carry on was for a cause he fully intended to die for and then he couldnt even do that #mirrored by vash. who also went into that confrontation with knives fully intending to not make it out #and now the world is saved! knives failed and now hes gone. and thats a whole fucking thing to unpack for everyone #the fucking anger. the grief. the whole fuckin mess of contradictory emotions that happens as a result of abuse from a family member w vash #fucking Everything wrt legato. the devastation of knowing knives is gone + he failed + legato lived + *vash* lived #the slowwwwwww realization over a long long period of time that legato worshipped the ground knives walked on #but knives only ever regarded legato with like. the same way someone might an ant. a bug. maybe a dog.#legato who only ever wanted to be Seen by knives #and knives who never particularly cared for legato beyond his usefulness #legato who begins following vash because its probably what knives would want + there is truly nothing else on this planet for him.#he has no other reason to live #and vash allowing him out of some sense of pity / resignation + being able to see that theres Nothing left for legato #+ probo some sense of obligation too. of heres another person his brother fucked up. which means hes vash’s responsibility to fix #all the while legato resents vash for living when knives isnt here. resents him for failing to kill him.#resents him for being the only other thing that knives actually cared about + who rejected knives when all legato ever wanted #was knives’ attention #and vash who frankly resents legato too. resents the fact that. of all the people who managed to survive. it was legato and not ww #resents all the shit that legato put him through. all the people he killed all the suffering he inflicted #the two of them looking at each other and the fucking. recognition of the self thru the other #and seeing all the shit they hate about themselves in the other #theres also again the shared grief of them both losing someone incredibly important to them both but who was also responsible for some #abuse to Both of them. unpacking it. working through it. moving forward.#learning How to move forward as a Whole when theyre both two deeply traumatized deeply suicidal fucks who no longer have the singular goals #thatve been their sole reason for existing for the past. many. years. and having to find new reasons to keep living #but most of all. i think they should make out sloppy in the desert thank you goodnight

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tkbrokkoli · 11 months

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need to vent in the tags a little :(

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heartmix · 5 months

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Simon Riley Headcanons

random headcanons that i have of olderbf!Simon.

cod masterlist

Olderbf!Simon who sees you stressing about the way the economy is shit and everything is so expensive.

Olderbf!Simon who rolls his eyes knowing his years of savings and his income will make you and the next generation live comfortably. Why did you even go to college? There was nothing or no one else to spend it on anyways.

Olderbf!Simon who loves that you don't want to work a regular 9-5 or that you don't want to work a regular job in general. You instead have side gigs when you're bored. Your friend needed an extra pair of hands for a work assignment? Sure. Once a month event staff for whatever concert is in town? You love that.

Olderbf!Simon who watches the silly tiktoks and mini vlogs you make while he is away. He doesn't actually have tiktok downloaded but you always send him the videos you make.

Olderbf!Simon who agrees to do one of the tiktok trends with you. The one where it goes "I'm a ____ of course I ______." You didn't need to tell him how it worked. You showed him one video and he understood the assignment.

"I'm a Military wife. Of course, my husband has a side piece."

"I will literally k*ll myself before I look at another woman."

"It was a joke."

"Not a funny one, love."

Olderbf!Simon who is used to your hyperfixations changing every month. His "office" is filled with trinkets and collectibles of your newest obsessions. As a matter of fact, the whole apartment is filled with your stuff. At this point, you'll need to make new storage or get rid of things.

"I think I may have a problem or adhd. Some sort of mental illness."

"I think it's time to get a house."

Olderbf!Simon who lets you pick everything. The only thing he did was give the money. As long as you're happy he didn't care where he lived or what the colors of the bathroom walls were.

#simon riley x reader #simon ghost riley #simon riley headcanons #olderbf!simon #cod x reader #cod headcanons #simon ghost x reader

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roboticchibitan · 5 months

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Today I'm going to talk about a form of radical resistance that anyone, no matter their situation, can engage in: cultivating hope.

Are you filled with hopelessness and despair at the state of the world? I have some good news and some bad news.

The bad news is you've fallen for a tool of the status quo. Despair freezes us. It keeps us from imagining and working towards a better world. Despair is easy, because it means we have no reason to take action to make things better. Capitalism? Our oppressors? They want you hopeless for a reason. Because you're easier to control that way.

The good news is! There's a lot of very real reasons for hope. However, hope is something you have to cultivate. It takes work. It is a radical act. It is looking at the status quo and going "actually, no. I refuse."

Maybe you can't risk losing your job to unionize your workplace. Or maybe you're an oppressed minority who can't risk going to protests because our criminal justice system is racist. But cultivating hope in yourself is just as radical an act of resistance as those two things. It is another form of imagining and working towards a better world.

It's not as flashy as starting a union or going to a protest, true. Maybe it feels selfish, like you're only helping yourself. But that's not true. It's a lot harder to help others when you, yourself, are frozen by despair. By working on yourself, you are making it easier for you to help others, in whatever form that takes for you.

For me, since I started my hopepunk practice I have been more able to engage in activism, even if I no longer post about it. Before calls to action froze me. I was so overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of our problems that I was unable to address any of them.

Since I've started cultivating hope in myself, I've unfrozen enough that I was able to choose the causes that matter to me and put my energy there. I engage in more charitable donations and political actions now than I did before. I am happier and also helping others more than I did before.

Cultivating hope in yourself is hard at first. You feel defeated before you even start. But you start putting work in and you find a little hope. And then a little more. And a little more. And then, suddenly. It snowballs and you're doing better than you have in years, and hope comes easier to you now.

If you don't know where to start, go follow @hopepunk-humanity @hope-for-the-planet @afeelgoodblog and @reasonsforhope or follow the hopepunk tag

There's also things like the good news network, who have a daily email they send out with a handful of positive news stories. Some of them I find kinda dumb and shallow like "lost dog returned after 3 years" type stories. But there's also a lot about scientific advancments in green energy, medical care, etc that I find helpful for cultivating hope. Did you know about the CRISPR gene editing tool that's being used to cure incurable illnesses? I didn't! And now I do! afeelgoodblog also runs a substack "best news of last week" newsletter every Monday that I find has stories with more substance, tho it is US focused.

Despair isn't helping anyone, especially not you. Engage in a radical act and start cultivating hope in yourself. You deserve to leave that despair behind, and in the process, you are directly going against the powers that have decided we are easier to control if we are miserable.

#hopepunk

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