#why am i so weird about things. i feel so wrong. like im broken and unable to fix

[blearyfaced]

.

[pixlpxie]

Hi Pixie!

I'd like to thank you for your openness about sexual things, needs and fantasies, as it greatly helped me accept my own sexual side.

I've always had quite high libido, I get aroused easily and I've always been really into porn, my friends also know me to be "the pervy friend" just based on my humour and general horniness, but even though it's something I can laugh at, I still often feel shame at myself and at the feelings I have.

The feeling that I shouldn't be having these thoughts, that I am somehow flawed and disgusting, that there's something wrong with me because I am so "feral", it just wouldn't leave me alone and it was something I was extremely embarrassed by and I feared that people would find me to be some deranged sexual lunatic.

I went through sexual abuse in my childhood, and accepting that side of me has always been really hard, but you've helped me a lot - to realise that such things are normal and there's nothing shameful about them. That this is all perfectly natural, that it doesn't make me disgusting or wrong or tainted to have sexual needs, that I am allowed to explore kinks and take pleasure from fantasies.

So for that, thank you so much.

I'm sorry for the long message and oversharing, but it always goes through my mind when I see the anon hate you get, people calling you disgusting and such and how effortlessly you shoot them down and laugh at them, absolutely unapologetic.

I wish all those people realised that it's extremely important to have spaces where you can comfortably share these feelings and thoughts, that it should be normalised to talk about sex and sexual needs and that the taboo of it isn't right, especially when it comes to female pleasure. Purity culture isn't cute and women are also people with needs.

Spaces like this help people realise that they aren't wrong or broken for their natural instincts, whether they've been brought up in religious circles or went through abuse, what you're doing on your platform is important to many who thought they were alone in these feelings and feared to talk about it, because they were afraid they would be called weird and disgusting for having a functional body that demands certain things that are natural and healthy.

Thank you very much <3

Ok let me go cry real quick and ill be back 😮‍💨

I had to read this a few times because i usually cant see what i do here as something that could help people so reading this was so valuable, truly it means the world to me. First of all I'm so sorry for what happened to you, you didn't deserve any of that and I hope you are doing well know 🥺💓 you will do even better 🥹🫶🏻

Having a high libido, different sexual desires and needs are totally normal but even to this day it's treated like a taboo like you said. And trust me i know how it feels like to be that pervy friend, it's exactly like the way you described. Almost in every social group im the one who's too much, too freaky, or too 'different'. My friends are so fun and you can always talk abt pervy stuff with them sure but at the end of the day I am always the weird one because usually i know or say stuff that get them a little horrified. Its all fun and games till it starts to get to you, I had to sit down and think why I am the way I am many times because like you said, something must have been wrong with me. Because why would I enjoy things that my friends don't?

Turns out everything's fine and you shouldn't really bother knowing why. It's okay, it's normal, in fact it's healthy. So the hate I get seems so childish to me and honestly it's fun atp. Sex and kinks are natural, they're human. Everyone will enjoy different things, some will like it more plain and simple while some will like more kinky things. You're not disgusting for enjoying things that the majority don't. Sexuality is fluid and endless, you will keep exploring it throughout your entire life and be as fierce as you can while doing it🫶🏻

Like I said, I am usually unable to comprehend the effect my blog has on people but reading your ask and other similar ones make me feel so many emotions. I never thought my blog would be a safe space for you guys 🥹 Please know that you are always welcome on this blog, we can talk about anything you want and I'll always try my best to help you. And please don't ever be sorry for 'oversharing' or writing 'long' asks bc trust me it's not oversharing or long for me. I love being here with you guys and I hope you know that you mean so much to me🥹😭💓

[discluded]

ik respect other people's opinions and all of that but people be saying anything about MA on this app fr and i usually just ignore them and move on with my life because im not gonna waste my time on it BUT there's just one thing that rubs me in the wrong way and that i can't just shake it off. you can think that they're lovers, friends or wtv you want idc but saying that THEY'RE FAKE, that they turn on/off their chemistry just to gather new fans for new projects, so it's basically just marketing and that's it kinda hurts. why can't 2 people, regardless of their status is, can have a genuine bond and enjoy each other company w/o it being an act or a strategy? it's really just sad but at the end of the day it's just my problem and i keep ignoring it as i always did , just wanted to share my feelings. anyway, feel free to not answer and/or skip this ask if you like!!

have an amazing day!!!

I must do a good job blocking people with bad opinions on tungle.hell and the bird app because thankfully i never have to see these weirdos or their comments, but I do see people indirect them ha!

So I mentioned to a couple people earlier, I hear about people claiming they're doing fanservice or they're fake or whatever, and you know what I actually think it is?

You know how if you're out with friends or at a party or something, you sometimes will tell a funny story about something that happened to you that is hyperexaggerated for humorous effect but also fundamentally true? An example this is like, recently I bought a beautiful artificial Christmas tree and it didn't fit in my condo because I didn't measure the width of the tree. The bland "true" version of this story is that I bought a tree and it was too big, so I had to return it. But in regaling this story to my friends, I woefully convey my hubris in not measuring because I wanted a grand tree and then tearfully equate my suffering to that of tragic Greek heroes because the freaking tree wouldn't fit and my woeful childhood of being deprived of having a beautiful Christmas tree despite being a Christmas baby. It's not that the second version is fake -- in fact, it's actually much closer to the reality I experienced. And in particular, it's meant to be funny. Am I actually a Greek tragic hero? Well. I'm Chinese. 😏

I think Mile and Apo, separately and together, have a particular type of charm where they're both good at making us, their fans, feel like we're in on the joke when they tell these kinds of stories like we're one of their friends. I know I tease Mile for his Cringe Dad Jokes, but if you actually watch stand up, most of it is comedians both thoughtfully reflecting upon a true situation and conveying the humor in what happened to them. MileApo aren't comedians, but they are charming and funny. And this format of storytelling is the basis of humor.

I would say a majority of the people in fandom, especially these kinds of antis, are of an age group that missed out on a specific type of socialization in the last three years. They just don't have a baseline for that kind of interaction, so they think that the exaggeration or format of the way Mile and Apo talk specifically about each other is "fake" because um... lack of normal socialization.

I mean, they've both told similarly weird stories about themselves. We can't call Apo's story about being gross and sweaty because his car AC was broken or Mile's story about having to pee so bad in while stuck traffic fan service because what the hell kind of fan service is that. 💀 And if those aren't fan service, why would Apo's story about Mile's obsession with green be any more fan service when told with the same level of weird humor?

And the fact he retells the story with such consistency, now to the level of detail as the "what color boxers are you wearing" question it can't be fake. (also: still dead over Apo's lack of filter on that one. oop)

I'm not excusing the people accusing them of fakeness. Like I said, I don't care what you think or believe or have anxiety about 'cause I'm not your therapist; just don't make it my or society's problem.

But I think the answer here is uh, COVID really messed up some people's social skills, and instead of going out and trying to regain some of them, people think being mean on the internet and bullying people is the right answer. It's not. It's also not your job to worry or teach them how to socialize. Block 👍

Have a good day! Make sure to go out and take your mental health walk!!!

[paleskeletonboy]

there is something wrong with me on a fundamental level. this world wasnt made for me, and i wasnt made for it. while everyone else is coming into their own and enjoying their lives, im still trying to figure out what makes being alive worth it. why does everyone seem so happy? why can people still find reasons to want to be alive? how is everyone able to just exist so well without any guidance? the answers elude me to this day. my working theory is that im just defective. i was created broken. no amount of fixing me will ever make me function like im supposed to. the only option is to scrap me and try again. even the people who "supposedly" are just like me - they wish they were happy. they want to be happy. not me. i dont want to be happy. im not capable of feeling happy. the only thing i want is to be dead. death doesnt seem much different than how i am right now. in fact, i would argue that i am dead. my heart, my emotions, my soul, everything about me is dead. its just my body that hasnt caught up yet. and i have half a mind to speed it along. i dont care if this seems "edgy" or "cringe" or "weird" or whatever. your opinions mean nothing to me. nothing about this world means anything to me, because i know i mean nothing to the world. so who cares if my body dies tomorrow? i, for one, would be glad if it did. im tired of living for other people. i just want this to all be over

[visumper]

Endline snippets but its Kaemory and im crying also Pretty Face by PUBLIC is literally the kaemory song ever,,, UE UE UE… also kae pov

I’m holding her hand. Oh. That’s kind of embarrassing. I can feel my face start to heat up when I realize and try to pull my hand away. It’s weird, because I can’t feel anything. My limbs— they’re all numb. When I try to move my hand, I can’t tell if it even moves or not. I try looking around, but all I see is a bunch of stupidly bright red and Em’s pretty face. Ugh. Why can’t I open them more? It feels like my eyes are only half open. Maybe they are. My vision’s blurry too, but I can still see her clearly. She’s the only clear thing I see, as if she’s the only person my eyes focus on.

She’s crying. There’s other people too, I think. I can’t hear them well since my hearing feels all muffled too. I can’t tell who they are, since they’re nothing but colored blobs. Haha. This kind of feels like I got Sporis bombed by Mari. This is a little different though. Ah… I don’t think this is just a mushroom this time.

Where’s Aza? I feel like I’m drunk and high at the same time. I hate Aza’s stupid medicines because they taste like shit like Mari’s cooking, but they work pretty damn well. I force myself to focus, because Em’s definitely crying. I should probably comfort her, right? That’s what girls like, right? In the end I end up asking about Aza. Were he and Rowan still dealing with Aid? I still need to beat Rowan at table tennis. I still need to beat Aza at darts.

It’s hard not to be jealous of those two. Haha. They’re so talented. They remind me a lot of my siblings…

“Wh…” I manage to get out. Em’s grasp on my hand gets tighter. My hand is the only thing I can feel on my body. It’s almost like my brain shut off everything else. Kinda like “hey, make sure to only focus on Em totally holding your hand! You love-drunk hot hunk!”

… why am I thinking about this, anyways? I’m not hot nor a hunk.

“Aza?” I gasp out. Why is it so hard to talk? This is bad. This reminds me of when I couldn’t speak at all. Couldn’t defend myself from being accused of that stupid fucking…

Em starts sobbing even harder. Did I do that? It’s like the cries get louder and louder, as if the other unknown blobby people are crying to. Why? What happened? Did something happen to Aza? Where is he? If the blob people are crying, then they must be from Score, too, right? Rowan maybe… Mari? Lucius? No. Lucius is missing, probably dead. Verdict got to him… Rowan or Mari, then? Are they all here? Where’s Aza?

Em is wailing still, and I don’t know why. Somehow I get my fingers to clasp onto hers a little more. I can’t tell if I’m in pain or not. Everything’s numb and I can’t feel anything, but this situation’s just way too weird. Why can I barely move? Why can’t I talk? I have so many questions. My eyes involuntary start to close even more, and I yell at them in my head because I want to look at Em longer. I want my hand to move, to cup her cheek and my mouth to comfort her. But my body won’t move at all. It’s like my legs are nonexistent, too.

And then I start to think.

Am I dying?

“Em?” I croak. My voice sounds all wrong. It’s all broken up and quiet. Lucius would’ve made fun of me for it. You know, he was a scheming slimy bastard, but I do kind of miss him. Just kind of. Only kind of.

“Lo…ve… you,” I say, without thinking at all. Because what if I really am dying? I don’t even realize I’ve just confessed to the absolute love of my life. This could just be some weird circumstance, right? A minor injury I’m being overdramatic about, right? Even still, everything about this feels wrong.

I’d rather die a hundred Verdict executions before I die before confessing to her. Any execution but the Wall, of course. Because then Em and Mari and Rowan and Aza and Lucius would die too. Also Lucius is probably dead. So maybe he doesn’t count.

When I was accused, I couldn’t speak at all. After that, I became afraid of being quiet. But then I found Mari and Score. And through Score I found Em and the others. So to hell with the accusations, to hell with the rumors. To fucking hell with the life I had before, because this is better.

I like this. I like these people.

I like you. A lot. I love you.

Her pretty eyes widen at around the same time I realize what I’ve said. I laugh like a goofy man, the laugh coming out sounding like a dying run-over hedgehog on drugs and steroids with mega bass boost.

Weird simile, Mari would probably say.

Rowan taught me that one, I’d like to reply.

And then she smiles. Her eyes are still sad and teary, but she’s smiling and her hand is so warm.

I don’t know what’s happening at all, but I really do hope I wake up again. I hope I’m not dying, because I still need to beat the twins at their respective games. I hope I’m not dying, because I mainly want to be able to hug Em and confess again and again.

I can’t see her anymore, but I can hear her.

“I love you, Kae.”

That’s enough for me.

[summercurial]

extremely long emotional bullshit under the cut. woops

i used to get really bent out of shape about how i have depression but im not like....nothing *happened* to me! i mean, my childhood wasnt amazing or anything, i was lonely and angry, but its not like i was like...traumatized, yknow? and that felt like it made it worse, like i didnt have...an excuse? idk. like it was just me sucking in some sort of inherent way, that because id never been broken i couldnt be "healed", yknow? i could be...improved, but thats a different act! fixing a broken feature and adding a new one are fundamentally different acts

anyway i mostly got over that by 1) acknowledging that even tho my parents were by no means abusive, their specific neuroticism scarred me in ways that are like, real and significant (when i noticed myself flinching when i heard yelled voices from another room, when i realized that i grew up with this terror of my mom exploding because even though 95% of the time she was way nicer than most moms, her outbursts were totally random so i couldnt predict them so i was always scared of them, i felt...relieved! like...oh, something i can point to, some cause!) and 2) recognizing that i probably have genetic/natal/developmental predispositions to depression and anxiety, it doesnt need to be "caused" by anything thats psychoanalytic bullshit, my brain can jsut be...built wrong, and probably is, and thats probably the truth and i sort of have to deal with that. anyway

so my point is that i got over the need to have a cause for depression and stuff but my recent uh...development? acknowledgement? of my weird sex leanings, i mean i was always a sub but it wasnt really real til the past couple years yknow? and the stuff i used to watch/read was like, idk less real? less grounded? yknow, silly abstract fantasy dungeon stuff. cuz i hadnt done much stuff irl, yknow. anyway so now i have this urge to have a cause for that. especially cuz im reading serious weakness, and its like...everybodys got all these causes yknow, its part of a coherent character, you ask "why are they this way" but like why am i this way, idk! im... i mean i guess these days i have some cause to point to. the consent violation, and the longer list of boundary violation. but idk, thats a bummer of a reason cuz i sort of did that to myself. i mean like it wasnt my fault, or whatever, theres a moral responsibility, to not hurt people, but i did yknow. i got myself into stupid risky situations, repeatedly, and then the result of getting yourself into stupid risky situations, as a person who has trouble saying no when something unpleasant is done to you, happened.

so idk, i have Trauma or whatever now, but its trauma i indirectly caused, so like. that sucks

fuck writing this post made me really emotional. or like, i dont really feel emotional but i can feel myself tearing up. man i gotta finish serious weakness, get this out of my system. i dont go to therapy anymore. so. i guess thats why im posting this

ANYWAY uh. i think thats part of why i like "pain sluts are natures candy" so much, the idea of being valued for being the weird messed up thing i sort of turned myself into

[eraseur-a]

i never vent on main but this month has been so hard. tws covid, dysphoria, sex, self harm

in the past month:

i broke up with my fiance who id been with for 2 years. he was my best friend. i talked to him every day. i miss him.

it felt like i lost my entire future. i have no plan or goals anymore. i had something concrete and am now just lost.

there's nothing i care about and nothing that brings me joy. i feel like im shoving my brain full stimulation just to get by. i have no passions or interests or projects or ideas or desires or goals. ive always had projects and creativity but i just have nothing.

ive been fucking up so much at my job and its stressing me out so much i feel like im a terrible manager and didnt deserve this promotion and im freaking out and its so weird learning new social rules and watching everyones level of respect for me change. and god fuck being at work and having to talk to everyone is making me hate myself like why cant i talk to my coworkers like everyone else can. how are they having these conversations with each other and building relationships. i dont understand fuck i hate not knowing social things

and ive been seeing a new man who i like a lot but hes neurotypical and im so scared to meet his friends and family because he told me im "weird" and i also just cant allocate the energy to be around normal people i dont have any capacity or desire to do so

this has also given me major dysphoria and so much stress about my gender and sexuality. im realizing how dysphoric i actually am -- or maybe its just how dysphoric being around him makes me. this guy is amazing why do i have to be fucking weird and broken. why cant i just have sex like a normal person. i want to be with him but being with him makes me hate myself but also i should just stop hating myself right.

and then just now lost a vibrant and special community of people that shared the same interest as me that has consumed my life for 4 months. close friends. who, more than anything, i admired immensely as artists and creators and who inspired me so much. im not going to pretend like im not devastated to have lost friends and inspirations. i miss you and im sorry. all this this also means ive lost a sense of safety and faith.

and my mom got covid. and i live with her. so im terrified of my mom dying and every time i cough im convinced im gonna die. this is making my ocd so much worse, so im doing all my ocd rituals more intensely, but then shit keeps going wrong, which makes me feel like i cant even have faith in that, and if i cant have faith in that then what next will i turn to to save me. what do i shove in the emptiness

and i relapsed with self harm like... 3 times this month. i regret it so fucking much and that isnt making it easier.

it's just so much. im always okay, but... im starting to worry that maybe im not actually okay.

i dont want to talk about any of this really. i dont want attention or sympathy. im so tired of having conversations. i just needed to vent and just... share where i'm at. thinking about anime superheroes is the closest thing to enjoyment this brain has been able to get the past few days. and im terrified to admit that i am human and need a support system and am maybe not okay.

[bonesandthebees]

Strings of Fate Ch8!!

Oh yes, Wilbur is at the shrine! A very confused boy. Poor guy also has a headache from that fall Tommy took. Ouch.

And he remembers dying! No that's horrible. Well, I guess kind of not. It was described as just a thing that happened. I'm sure he's shocked but he doesn't seem too broken up about it.

Now when he sees L'Manberg though...that hurts. Imagine waking up one day and finding that your home and everything you hold dear is gone:(

Bee! I love the change in POVs as they find each other. I could feel the urgency. The sun setting lower and lower as they try to follow each other's voices. And when they do find each other they are still in the wrong bodies. But then it switches and ahshsjh

So smooooth Bee

And they're just so happy to finally see each other. It's crazy to think that they have never actually interacted outside of time-and-space-texting. I'm so happy! We've waited so long for this moment and it's here! So worth itt:)))

You know I never actually thought about Mitsuha getting her ribbon back the day after she gave it to Taki. I guess it's because Taki had it for most of the movie anyway, so it just felt longer? I don't know. But yeah that is weird to think about. It must feel odd for Wilbur to get his cord back all faded from three years with Tommy.

Tommy is actually pretty cool. He managed to forge a plan to get a pretty good chunk of people out of the valley. I'm not sure how many people will end up dying from the comet but yknow. They did everything they could.

Poor Tommy didn't get anything written on his palm:( I know that if Wilbur wrote his name it would probably just disappear like the messages on Tommy's phone. That's why Tommy wrote what he did instead of his name. Hopefully, it'll be enough for Wilbur to at least recognize him when they do meet again:')

I am curious though. Did Wilbur just not feel the length of what Tommy was writing on his palm? Like Tommy is a five-letter word. Tommy wrote two whole sentences and then some lol

I will never get over how well you depict emotions in your writing. You are so good at it!! When I read your fics I'm either smiling like an idiot, trying to hide frowns, or trying to ignore the burning in my eyes how are you so good at it???

oof im gonna go read the epilogue now. thank you for these two treasures bones<3

-🧭

lol yeah tommy slammed his head into the ground when he fell and wilbur has to deal with the headache. poor guy he's going through so much

oh wilbur was 100% in shock about the whole remembering that he died thing. if he actually had more than a few hours to process it he would've had much more of a breakdown. in a way the loss of memories was definitely beneficial in that sense

i'm so glad you felt the urgency!! i wanted it to feel really confusing and also a bit hopeful as they try to find each other, and then right as the sunset really sets in that's when the window between time opens up :)

finally. after so long they're finally face to face talking to each other but they only have a few minutes bc ofc things can't be that nice

yeah i know!! i didn't think about it when watching the movie either, but when I was writing that bit I realized "huh the ribbon would've been worn down from taki wearing it as a bracelet for like 2-3 years even though mitsuha only lost it the day before for her time. that must've been weird"

while not everyone in the town ended up being saved, the majority of people actually did get out in time thanks to the plan. though it wasn't even really tommy who planned most of it. as soon as techno came in he and niki both took over everything, tommy just came up with the initial idea lol

wilbur literally just was not paying attention when tommy was writing on his hand. he was looking out at the sunset and thinking about stuff so he just didn't register how long it took tommy to write out his 'name' lol

aaa thank you i'm so glad the emotions came through!! tbh I was really struggling with that in this fic so it makes me really happy to hear the emotions still transferred over to the readers

[waywardvictorianconfessions]

NAC, AND THIS ISN'T AGAINST THE ADMINS. Okay, I'm the one who was unblocked because I couldn't interact with the blog as a whole afterwards. Nurse already apologised, I accepted the apology, and that was that. I told someone I didn't feel safe posting here for a bit, but I think I gotta have this out. I don't feel safe posting here because it feels like ppl mistake everything as disrespect towards the admins, which is something that wasn't really happening, and reading the anon asks it still feels true. The whole conversation was weird and felt extremely invalidating? Yes. Is it grounds to attack Nurse? No.

But before anything of that happened I hadn't seen anyone attack anyone. And I still haven't. Calling out someone on an action that looks problematic isn't attacking, and we're all human, we all make mistakes and have lack of concise communication. Being told so isn't wrong, it just can help us grow. (Unless it's done with the intent to harm, then it's an attack). It just feels like if we disagree it's equaled to disrespecting, and that's not the case. We all have defended admins and other users when things escalate unnecessarily. There's been trolls, and people trying to provoke fights, and I feel like we've all tried to stop them when they get through, am I wrong? But reading asks like that, talking about ppl invalidating boundaries and stuff, it just feels like it's not a safe place to put an opinion out anymore. Because I haven't seen that. It was infuriating not being able to interact just because there was a disagreement, when there's been hundreds, but it was resolved... So now what happened...? I dunno if I'm making any sense. The admins do the job I'm sure half of us wouldn't want to do, and I admire their patience, specially Faerie's. They deal with stuff that would make a lot of us lose it and stress out, and that's a fact. And I think the majority of us respects them and shows them the respect they have earned and deserve. So... where are all these asks coming from...?

I don't know how else to explain this to you guys but....I DID NOT block anyone on this blog. Wayward Victorian Confessions. You were not blocked from WVC, i blocked yall on my PERSONAL account. the one i use for things unrelated to this confessional blog. I was not aware that me blocking on my main blog would make the block universal through all side blogs as well. No one did. I was very confused and discussed it with Faerie, after i realized my mistake i corrected it. yall were not punished or silenced from wvc because we had a disagreement, it was simply an accident due to the fact i wasnt aware of the way blocking worked. I don't know why you guys want it to seem that way so badly but please, just stop. I've apologized to you (the person sending this) personally and fixed my mistake and explained how it happened so many times. Im trying to be patient and kind but i'm starting to feel like a broken record. There has been harassment through the inbox and i've seem comments of people being private messaged and insulted over this situation. I really think it just needs to end. If you're uncomfortable, no one is forcing any of you in interact. I unblocked you (person sending) so you could have the option because i'd never want to take that away from anyone. You're free to do whatever, (not talking about the sender) but making me out to be some evil, power-wielding, rude admin is unrealistic and mean. I know being an admin means there's at least a bit of a power dynamic but i'm still a regular person. I'm able to make mistakes because i'm human. that's why there are asks in my defense. Theres nothing wrong with having different opinions. theres also nothing wrong with blocking people. my boundaries were disrespected when i asked for the discussion to end and was met with more and more paragraphs.

~ nurse admin🦷

[prince-tulip]

Im so sorry for what I've done...im trying to be a better person, its just hard when all I want to do is fix everything ive ever broken. Trying to grow and understand these horrible illnesses, impairments or injuries, whatever life may throw at me. Its a journey im trying to bring to an end..i want a beautiful life..

The bitterness is something i still struggle with, maybe it plays into my life, more than i wanna admit, the guilt and shame i feel in those situations alone makes me want to die. The unrelenting feeling of emptiness topped with a conflicting sense of invalidation. God, it is so ugly to feel..disgusting completely. I am disgusted with myself. I have a need for filling roles for people that i feel obligated to fill, its about that shame. Its about not knowing how to let go what needs to be let go because you dont understand what letting go is. Its about not giving into nostalgia. Not seeking validation in something that can no longer give you that, not falling in to bad habits or abusing drugs, abusing alchohol, abusing, sex, porn, anger, depression, hate, impulsiveness, just things that hurt you..im trying to be clean..im trying to break free..theres a big picture im trying to paint, im focused on me and trying to just be good to others.

I can be alone, i can be who i need to be right now to find who i will be later. Im strong and steadfast. I love you, all of you, anyone who ever was there or will be. Past, present and future. Im coming to terms, one day.

The pain was real, its real. The realization of my wrongs are real, the achingly painful emptiness is real. I need to feel it and face it. Face the realization. The realization that i mirror othed people. That i don't give people boundaries or myself.

The realization of it all...how was i so detached, so careless...i can blame it on all i can but it doesn't mean i didn't do anything..doesn't take away from the false reality i was living in, that i didn't understand that it literally tore me apart, changed me to hurt loved ones, its as if i wanted to get to a point to where i was so crazy and so fucked up. Split personality, split reality, split fucking brain, filled with contradictions and fears, making any kind of decision is aweful, it makes me change as a person, like i will die or the worst possible event will happen, it is unrelenting. Theres so many ways that i didnt know how to function without living in destruction. Was it my bpd? Was it my autism? Was it my anxiety? Was it the cognitive distortion? Or was it whatever defense mechanisms i made up in my head?...why wasn't i a better person to people i truly love? Or am i just not a capable of living normally with normal relationships?

Im in deep pain and i can only try to be a better person from here..thats all i can do, there's not much time left. I could die tomorrow. Which i act scared in that regard but i also have always had a weird feeling of relief in the thought of dying instantly, anywhere or anyway, whatever time or place.

Selfish, i know. Its too easy right? If i always thought about how i deserve nothing but punishment then why would i wish to die? For that would just bring peace.

My brain almost undoubtedly would go "oh thank goodness now i don't have to make that phone call now" and laugh with a hint of irony. Nervous in way of course as well. For why shouldn't i be? For if there was a heaven or hell, I do not in the slightest know where i would go. Probably somewhere in between if i had to guess.

[sshewolfiona]

I really need some support right now!!

#follow me if you are willing to accept me for me and please tell me I'm not the only one that's confused about their gender identity these days ?

⛈️✨I'm at a low place in my life and I'm very much letting my depression get the best of me!🪐⛈️🪐⛈️🦕💕

I almost feel like I have no good reason to carry on anymore and that I should do everyone a fkn favor and off myself😓😥😟😖. I'm just gonna come out of the closet on here to basically whole world but I know not many will see my story; they will scroll by ... I know, I get it😢nobody ever had the time for me before in this life time so why now would I actually have even one person that is willing to listen and actually help me through my silent struggle... Suffering in silence is killing me that's why ... 💜⚡I'm here today to ...be able to say

🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

🌈Coming out of the closet today🌈 everyone!! 😮❣️I can't keep my sweet silent lies down deep.. I'm here and I'm queer get used to it .🤐 Not really but listen if you'd like to hear my sexual identity crisis ..

I just have had one fck of a time on this Earth and finally at this age , oh my, 😮⚡⚡🌈 I find myself looking to LGBTQ hashtags and forums for answers on what's exactly wrong with me!!

Long story short : I knew there were many things about my inner world and the way I experienced it that made me very different from everyone.... And I have just found the words ; asexual 🌈💚 and aromantic so yes. I am Ace-Aro very very aro ... Sex repulsed aro ... And that's not all ... Actually I today, found that I have to admit I'm non-binary too. I've been ashamed and had found this part of my life, my sexual life, was very deeply embarassing and had not quite fit society standards and now I'm finally relieved a great deal that there are words for all that I'm going through and ii don't have to feel so weird about dating anymore I'll just be straight up about my sexual identity and preferences ........ For now tho. I have been seeing a dude that is heterosexual so this straight male is my partner. We are best friends.. and we have our own sex ONLY WHEN IM COMFORTABLE AND REALLY WANTING TO !!!! It's special occasion for sex to happen.. he has been molested as a child so he always understood how sex can be touchy and he NEVER pressured me. I feel like he could be not totally but on the spectrum of aromatic.... Idk .. we are good together so far.. but there is much more for us to move on from like personal past issues. We both need therapy for abuse and sexual abuse and before we deal with that then we will try bs support each other ... We are so shy and painfully awkward when it comes to gender roles or out own roles in the relationship like he's such a very sensitive man he really gets hurt by my just experience.. at first when I came out as asexual to him he said " so you don't find me attractive?? Why don't you find me attractive? What can I do to turn you on and make my appearance more attractive?!" And I was really for the first-time being faced with the real issue that actually " I don't find anyone attractive" so I hunted online for the solution. I felt broken and wanted a cure.

Lol

But it turns out I was born this way and iit is not a mental illness ...

I did go to the doctor tho....

I'm autistic .. diagnosed autism is scary ! It's a huge label. But it also makes me angry that all these years they diagnose Me this change it to that and I never got anywhere in any of the definition of bipolar and scizo such whatever the problem is is that ok I took so many meds I never needed and for years were not designed for my chemical imbalance which I never had turns out !!

Wow 😲 so much going on

🌈🌈So I found my true identity! Sexual identity,🌈😎😎🌈💚🖤 can I just be accepted and loved by some members of the #Witchcraft community or the LGBTQ community please at least LIKE. My post. And comment anybody wanna be my friend ?? I'm lonely lonely so lonely all on my only and I need someone to relate to other than these cis people !!!

[sw4tch]

i. Uh.

Hm.

SOMEONE WROTE FANFICTION OF ME. BUT IT WAS CLEARLY MADE BY A 7 YEAR OLD ON THE INTERNET AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE. MORTIFIED.

IT'S A VERY PURE THING ACTUALLY (it's about. Uhm. Various ralsei artists like Having a sleepover together? UNCLEAR BCUS IT'S A BIT NONSENSICAL, SINCE IT WAS SOMETHING WRITTEN BY A LITTLE KID) BUT I AM.

I am very.

Weirded out but not bcus the fic itself weirded me out, it's bcus A KID PERCEIVED ME ON THE INTERNET AND I JUST. CANNOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

IT FEELS VERY WRONG FOR REASONS I CANT ARTICULATE.

I wish them the best but also i will NEVER interact with them and thus i am put in this position of literally going "i DO NOT see it" while i am in fact burdened by the knowledge of this fic.

I. I don't know what else to say. Fuck.

I think. Making all this deltarune art made my art account popular with children (on twt at least) and i have been noticing it lately but this is is just the. The last straw. Fuck dude. Now i have a responsibility to be The Most Kid Friendly as I Can and i do not want that. Not bcus i am particularly inclined to make risky art but bcus. Idk. Jfc just. I dont want that responsibility!!!!!

I'M SCARED AS HELL.

I am not a role model im just SOME DUDE. Making art for a videogame i really like!!!!!! THATS IT.

I hate this i hate i hate this WHY AM I SO MORTIFIED BY THIS NEWFOUND REALIZATION JFC

I REFUSE THIS RESPONSIBILITY I AM A WEIRD UNMARKETABLE FREAK!!!!!! I AM NOT KID FRIENDLY!!!!!!!! I AM A MONSTER FUCKER FIRST AND HUMAN SECOND!!!!!!!!

Ugh i just. I feel weird. I feel weird!!!!!!!

In any case.

Whew.

I did make the right call by completely divorcing my main from my art account. At least here i can be gross and broken and fucked up IN PRIVATE. No one needs to know my psychological problems!!!!! If I'm lonely and very vocal about my queerness that's ON ME!!!!!!!!! FUCK OFF!!!!!!

Sobs.png

[m1ckeyb3rry]

Oooooh icic! That definitely makes sense now that you mention it too I’m even more curious…if you got a request for a character that was really obscure or say you had 0 interest in would you reject it? Or would you just like grit your teeth and try to write something LOL I know before you said that both your Rin and Sae fics were requests (I think apologies if I remembered wrong) and you also had some Hiori requests too and iirc those characters were all kinda uhh “new” (for lack of a better term) to your usually characters..? And esp with the itoshi “hate” neutrality since they aren’t usually characters you’d write of your own volition, like imagine if someone requested igaguri or like ego what would happen? LMAO

I’m no fic writer but I remember when I had to write essays I’d slap out the first like two paragraphs keep writing and in the end I’d always go back to rewrite the first two because the flow of my writing established itself in the latter parts LOL yeah I think beginning parts are usually less refined on the first draft. At least for me, the inspiration ends up flowing midway through when I finally have a solid idea of what I’m going for HAHA

I’m genuinely hoping we get a lot more spinoff content generally….I know some series make more spinoff content after their series ends so I hope we continue getting more bllkverse expansion soon!!! I seriously wanna know what happened in the other stratums in NEL and the first selections too

Yeahhh it’s wild I think actually there’s a French version of the Bible??? Which is why I’m like what’s the English team doing LMAO Reo getting voted for all the good ones was hilarious like even everyone in bllk is like yup bros got it all (Isagi’s comment was FOUL LMFAOOO) and igaguri being last in everything HAHAHAHA

FR!!! Im just sitting here waiting for a Karasu awakening like PLEASE man has been sitting there busting his ass carrying the team please give him a chance!!!!

Also speaking of Karasu…..ok this is gonna be kinda really random but I actually stumbled upon one of @/i-am-not-strange’s posts but FOR THE LIFE OF ME I can’t press on their profile??? Either my fingers are broken and I’m pressing on something wrong or Tumblr is just flipping out but do you have my idea what art they’re referring to in their recent post about like Karasu and Hiori swapping bodies…? I’m sure it’s not canon but I can’t lie and say I’m not intrigued LOL I would go ask them myself but whenever I try to go to their profile it either a) does nothing b) crashes??? I’ve never had this happen before (like I’m on your profile just fine) but???? Anyways…sorry for having to ask you here LMAO and no worries in advance if you don’t know it just caught my eye LOL

-Karasu anon

honestly i feel like i always cook 10x more with characters i don’t like/am unfamiliar with…maybe because it pushes me out of my comfort zone so i’m more willing to experiment?? like i think the instrument and white butterfly were probably my fav things that i wrote for my event (and honorary mention to seabird because it’s so cutesy) and both were for characters i was unfamiliar with!! lowkey i think i could go crazy with an igaguri or ego fic LMAOAO imagine an ego fic where you know him at his peak as a soccer player and watch his downfall (bonus points if you’re friends with noel noa/connected to that weird ass dynamic somehow) OR an igaguri fic that plays into his weird religious trauma of being forced to be a monk if he can’t play soccer?? mostly it’s treated as a joke but what if it was taken seriously…PLSSSS i need to STFU why did i just genuinely come up with plots for EGO and IGAGURI 😭 suffice to say i would literally write for any character no matter how obscure/how little i personally care abt them 🤩 i try not to let my biases show in my writing either and hopefully i’m successful in that!! like my itoshi neutrality doesn’t rlly manifest in the fics i’ve written for them i think!! so even if someone requested for one of my opps i wouldn’t let my distaste impact how i write/how seriously i take the story

omg that ALWAYS happens to me whenever i do essays too!! that’s why i hated high school writing when our teachers made us write our thesis first…like yes i can write a thesis for you but i can guarantee that i won’t follow it and it’ll be entirely different by the time i submit it so it follows the contents of what i actually wrote vs what i INTEND to write!!

blue lock has SUCH an expansive cast and it’s also sooo popular as a manga so just from a business/financial standpoint it would make 0 sense not to do spin-off stuff!! like i’d even read a sae spin-off of him in spain if they don’t want to go through the bllk program again and want to focus on one of the itoshis…we’ve followed rin pretty closely and know his mentality pretty well so idt he needs a spin-off but depending on how in depth the main manga goes on sae i think a spin-off of him could be fun!! or like shidou or smth…OR AN EGO ORIGIN STORY SPINOFF OMG I’D DIE FOR THAT ACTUALLY like him and young noel noa and their rivalry?? i don’t even like ego that much but i think it would be cool to see his backstory be explored like that!! also an episode anri but we know we’re never getting that sadly

FRRR why is there a french version but not english?? maybe it’s because bllk isn’t as popular here yet?? hoping that changes with season 2 though…i’m not saying jjk fanbase levels of popular because that’s when you get the crazies but def bigger than what it is rn

THEY GAVE HIORI AN AWAKENING THEY CAN GIVE KARASU ONE TOO!! especially because he was so crucial to hiori’s awakening…like come on now kaneshiro be a good author and put some parallels between mr talented but doesn’t care and mr mediocre but works hard 😒

HAHA THAT’S SO WEIRD tumblr stays tweaking 😭 i was able to go on her profile fine so maybe there’s smth going on with your app?? honestly wouldn’t be surprised if it’s a tumblr issue because for how old this app is it’s surprisingly unusable at times 🫣 maybe it’s working for me because she’s one of my mutuals?? idk 😰 also i know the post you’re referencing but do not know what art she was talking abt…i can send her an ask abt it and then link her response in the next ask of yours i answer and hopefully that works!! if not i could also add a screenshot into my answer LMAO

[jayflrt]

🎀 update to redeem myself

first of all i just finished catching up with yfi786 and i LOVE IT (i hope i got the numbers right LMAO) it’s so amazing and this latest chapter was so good lis! ur always putting out amazing stuff for us 🤍🤍

second of all, the marcus thing. I KNOW ITS BAD, but trust me im not trying to have anything with him especially if hes currently with his girlfriend and i’ve even told him that i dont want to do anything at all with him if hes still “with” his girlfriend. it feels morally wrong and he would be doing her dirty even if she treats him like shit and cheats on him constantly. just recently me and my friends went to the beach and he’s a lifeguard there for the summer and i was getting drinks for me and my friends and he saw them so he was like you know catching up with them and stuff and out of nowhere he started asking questions about ME like where am i, how have i been because i’ve left him on delivered for like a week and a half. and it wasn’t until he saw me come up that he started talking to me and paying attention to me. and it’s just so weird because he’s unfollowed his girlfriend on every platform and even deleted pics of her but she still has them up? it’s so odd. i don’t want to be anything with him though because i know it’ll hurt me in the long run even if he does like me. like it would be so much easier to let him go if i hated him but i have no reason to because he’s so good to me :( AND when he asked me to the formal he wasn’t with his gf HE WAS BROKEN UP WITH HER.

my summers been good you know, i’ve mainly spent it at home because this school year was soooooo stressful i just need time to have a break and kind of recharge my social battery.

recently i’ve been writing a LOT more, like that fic i told you i had in my google docs girl it’s GOINNNNN.

how have you been lis! how’s work treating you :(? also that vacay sounds FUNNN where yall going??? AND I LOVE NEW PCS. i’m so excited for back to school shopping (im a stationary SLUT) -

hihi 🎀 anon!! how have you been?? 🫶 i hope life's been treating you well 🌷 !! also you did get the numbers right!!! funny story it was supposed to be 768 initially but i was the one who messed up the numbers 💀 so i'll never put it past you if you happen to mix them up!!

this guy is so confusing omg 😵‍💫😵‍💫 why did he get back together with the gf if she cheats on him sm?? especially if he started paying more attention to you after he broke up with her ?? i'm so sorry ml i would be so overwhelmed and lost if i was in your shoes rn 🫂 i feel like this guy needs to sit down and figure out wtf he wants because he cannot be wavering from side to side !!

no i totally get that 🥲 my social battery always DIEDD at the end of the semester and thankfully all my hometown friends are the same because they'll be like yeah let's hang out in a few weeks after we have a social battery again LOL but i hope you enjoy the rest of your summer !! 💗 AND OMGGG tell me more about the fic you're writing if you don't mind sharing 🤭

also work's been stressful but we're getting by!! 🥲 i also just get fatigued sometimes when it's hot so rn the weather has me like 😴😴 and im going to miami !!! 🥰 super excited because this friend group i'm going with hasn't been on a trip together in soooo long :') AHHH SO MANY NEW PCS i recently bought some jeonghan and jay pcs im 🧎‍♀️ I LOVEEE STATIONARY SHOPPING but mind you i've used like the same mechanical pencil throughout college i just kept replacing the lead 😭😭

[mostlymalena]

Tuesday March 26th 3:26pm

Hello I know I know it's been some time. lots of spelling errors coming your way. I have started carrying around a little notebook so I can write down snippets of things that have happened so I can remember to write about them later. here we go

lets start with Saturday night. The usual group goes out and grace comes since we were close to getting back together (more on that later). We meet up with my good friend Ava at BP. Earlier in the week she posted on her story a picture of me calling me her crush as a joke bc we fuck off a lot and are idiots (love). This bitch Belle who I have hated since the day I fucking met her which was well well over a year ago.

Okay wait context: when me and P were dating his brothers formed a cutie little band and they needed a singer and idk I guess belle was friends with one of them but she joined. She always gave me shady vibes and they were reassured by her being fucking weird with P's brother while she had a boyfriend. Me and P used to talk the biggest shit about her and her behavior so all in all she has always rubbed me the wrong way. Well when she found out P and I had broken up (we were still seeing each other mind you) this bitch went full fucking speed clinging to P's dick. Posting him and asking him to hangout just the two of them, buying him things yada yada. Of course I bitched about it to P and he just amped it up bc it made me jealous.

So I have just icky vibes about her and knew they would hook up once P and I finally stopped talking. What do you know, rumor has it they do and no one is surprised at fucking all. Thank god I'm past the point where that caught me up bc it was sickening to hear about. Now it gives me second hand embarrassment. I feel like the first rule of thumb when you have a rebound is to make sure they are at least even remotely on the same level as your ex.

Anyways Ava posted me and Belle's fucking SISTER slide up going on about how I'm crazy and broke into P's house (no lmao just no) and yada yada. I wanna know if they all have so much to say why do you avoid bluepost so damn much??? yap yap yap on the internet and in my friends dm's and all ups and down town but cannot say shit to my face? Typical.

Can someone please let this 2 by 4 with eyes know that I am not a threat to her relationship with an AI generated line cook with 0 passion or excitement about anything that would extend past algebra and chess. Like please. Im so stupid to think everything was chiller. Legit thought everything was fine I was like like oh we both moving on that chill there is no bad blood lmao. WRONG> WREONG WRONG MALENA.

Also to me there is something about being with a man who is only not still fucking with his ex bc SHE moved on first. That just does not sit right with me. P came back from his trip ready to revamp whatever we had before he left and if I hadn't moved on (thankfully) while he was gone then we would still be swimming in the same circle. Whatever girl he has now or next or whatever he got going on that is not my business has got her work cut out for her. Lord have mercy.

I was really okay about it all but now I just feel like frustrated bc I do not understand why it matters much anymore. Miss me or dont but thats on you. Somedays I'm nostolgic about it somedays im not but im also never afraid to own up to my feelings or behavior. Im confused why men fuck with me and are obsessed with me bc im "different" "weird" "crazy" and "love that you dont act nonchalant" but when they cross me and I still behave that way THEN its a problem?

Mistakes are made when men think they are the exception and they never are nor will be ever again lmao.

I have soccer practice now so I'll have to write more later in the evening.

[wewfimapuppie]

idk if i am protecting myself in any way here. but this is my final log.

i am going to have to take the message at face value. i saw the wkrd frighgebed and scared and idk how he perceived what i was doing. i felt like fuck it yknow i might be wrong but this is how its going for me. i felt it was the best thing to do? idk i def said weird shit.

theres no way around it this time. i went manic. i lost my shit. i imagined all that. i scared him.

to me it felt so real dude. so real. it felt like crazg things were happening to me. and i dont have a good support system so idk haha. i hated taking pills. i felt so awful. so i just wanna rely on God for now. and therapy. i'll find a way.

i'll also lay low. wear a black face mask. sunglasses. black beanie. on my way to work and way out. no one will know its me. i'll change and wear a dif sweater and bring a dif jacket yknow i even wanna dye my tips orange like. i feel so embarrassed and i dont wanna see him or have amyone that knows see me. im hiding. im scared. im disappearing. i will just work, head to Tijuana, get uber eats on fridays and some white claws or adjacent when we get comfy. and we dont talk to anyone except maricruz and our coworkwers yknow. stay vigiliant. i rather you dont talk to anyone anymore. we can make friends some other way.

i rather we focus on paying off our debt. and we drop this. we are at a point where we are questioning a text he sent us. we cant do that......

i rather like i said, we lay low, no attention towards ourselves and we wear a mask and domt do shows we are an online act idk. i wanted to be like yahoo lets do shkws z and this happened instead? i went manic? so idk i need to just dont interact w ppl like natasha i look stupid and crazy i have no supplrt to tell me um this is mania.

i can still paint, i can still sell, i can still make music even. but i cant expand or be public in san diego nah nope. i dont ever wanna see him or anyone. this is embarrassssing dude.

lets jjst keep it simple. food. paint. youtube. spotify. cookies and weed. some alcohol. lets just chill yknow? like back to the status quo? but this time we start fresh i guess. but for rn i rather be alone lmao. i feel cringe.

hopefully i can just focus on the job and getting my life together. thats all i can do. ni modo yknow? what else can i do? stay stuck on this? lets just move on. and focus on keeping ourselves afloat. safe. we will be okay. i still want to pray.

the last thing i'll say though is idk why he said that he blocked me bc i sent him noods when

1. he hearted them

2. he djdnt blkck me

3. i blocked him that time

4. i didnt sent him noods this time?

also i specifically have not mentioned his name jjst ryan and my complaints are like... justified?

so my theories on that is...

1. that... wasnt him...

2. he is like.... a psychopath and it isnt even me!! to twist it. make me feel like i went crazy??

3. hes saying a lie to cover why he really blocked me and its i seem crazy.

its just weird he said 2 wrong things. that i ever falked shit abt him and that i sent nudes now kr that he bloxked me when i did it 3 years ago? like he has reason to say jt was fhe Gkd stuff....

he also just ignored anything i said. about the holy ghost stuff. he didnt talk about God at all. the message was like in broken english it was weird. maybe he was scared? but why say a lie ljke that? when i felt its either im crazy or im...on to something. .

and why did he unblock me at all? to warn me or settle it? its still weird to ignore my one accusation. bro. whats with the staring.

but idk its weird like its enough where theyd know what happened. the email. the calling. ryan. the other subtle ways of contact.

so idk i think he couldnt say its bc you seem crazy and he gave you that reason as to why he blocked you even if it doesnt make sense. eventually we're gonna have to accept this is his response. idk abt what he knows abt me and ryan but i know he knows that unsolicited nudes thing is whack bc be liked them and he never blocked me i blocked him... so wtf.

i hate that this wasnt to me, a proper response. like ok i was frightening shit. but wait ur saying u blocked me? nah u blocked me now. no njdes. so idk what to make of this response. to believe it? theres an incorrect factoid.... that isnt it. so shit what now? now that is what will drive me crazy is saying that shit when that didnt happen.

thags what makes me think maybe he was a... cooky guy. bc hes lying. hes manipulating the situation. he didnt explaim himself. just said i was scary and a lie.

idk what it is at this point. him. me? what are the next steps? well... i rather we pretend it didnt happen. im never contacting him or seeing him. im leaving him alone. i dont want to make it worse. i can find "normal" love like tanner. no celestial shit. just hey we fit.... i wish it was normal. i'll pray for it.

but we forget him Riv.... he's gone. whatever it is you thought... his response, whether you believe it or not, could be his real response. and theres signs that your perspective is skewed. and this is it.

i know the nudes thjng sticks out to you Riv. but what are you supposed to do with that suspicion? i cant go see him and be like "was that really you?" like shiiiit no. so now what?

that is why i wanna tell you this; i need to feed you and pay your debt so im getting u a job. but i will also tell you this; if its meant to be it will be. if that isnt him, the real him will appear. but if not, you have more to live for

so. we forget any of this ever happened. we are in incognito mode. we keep it chill. focus on your mental health.

start working. start forgetting. get good at hiding. keep it simple. we can walk away from this bruv. who says we need to acknlowledge this happened? im dropping thjs. even the lie. it could be a cover up to a harsher feeling. we was nice enough to wish me good health....

i will be w say sd and just surviving. this is my last zane log tbh. for my safety and wellbeing.