#why are they so uncontrollably gay wtf

[asoulwithadream]

guys i didn't even REALISE until NOW THAT CODE RAINBOW VANITY FAIR HAS RELEASED AN OFMD S2 FIRST LOOK!!!!!!!!

I'm actually insane, and of course my incoherent thoughts will now be discussed as sub-text to each picture. Because what else is my Tumblr good for if I'm not going to unhinged-ly ramble?????? (*edit, this post has been changed to fit my current thoughts and theories)

GUYS GUYS GUYS HE HAS A BOTTLE MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE GUYS MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE- It's for Ed isn't it, OR IS IT FROM ED? Oh my god is it from LUCIUS? Or JIM? Or FRENCHIE?? This has so many possibilities oh my god MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE AAAA. PLUS WHY IS HE SLAYING SO HARD??? HIS HAIR IS ACTUALLY A LIFE GOAL AT THIS POINT IN TIME

He looks so PICKABLE oh my god why is he looking like that. AND WHERE DID HIS EMO MAKEUP GO????????? Why is it gone. What's going on, is this after or before Stede-Ed reunion. Why is he sad, what is he looking at. IS STEDE PRISONER??? I SAW A FIC ABOUT THAT- and also I just need to very calmly comment on the beautiful wonderful LACK OF STEDE'S CRAVAT AND WTF ARE PEARLS DOING THERE- He wears fine things so WELL UGH

THE GANG. And I think we've all SEEN STEDE'S RED CRAVAT. AND I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHAT IT IS. It must be it must be it must be it must be it must be it must be. Also, can I just comment AGAIN and say his fit is such a vibe??? He's slaying in the pirate wear for REAL. He looks so miserable omg just give him to Ed PLEASEEE

This picture gives me so much JOY. SPANISH JACKIE AND ED JUST GOSSIPING. But BUT BUT if you look closer, ED IS LOOKING AT SOMETHING. HE'S LOOKING AT SOMETHING FONDLY. He's looking at Stede right, he's just finished telling Jackie how much he loves his boyfriend because s1 finale never happened PLEASE WHAT'S GOING ONNNNNN

PLEASE DEAR HE LOOKS SO CONFUSED. What is he doing, what is he doing, he is up to something look at his little "don't be suspicious, don't be suspicious" face. HE IS UP TO SOMETHING, HE IS UP TO SOME SHENANIGAN. Stede stop STOP STOP

This is part of Fuckery vol.2 AND I KNOW IT. Please what are they doing in an eastern country, and please don't tell me Stede went looking for Ed in the very place he promised to follow him TO. OH MY GOD PLEASE DON'T DO THAT WHY DID I DO THAT TO MYSELF HELP ME HELPPPP BUT BUT BUT BUT LUCIUS IS ALIVE? THAT MUST BE IT RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT

AND OF COURSE THE BEST PART: THE WOMEN PIRATES OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG I'm gay panicking for REAL THIS IS ACTUALLY MAKING ME NERVOUS SWEAT. Who is she who is she I must know and please make her a lesbian I need lesbian pirates BADLY. IS SHE MARY READ OR THE MERMAID. PLEASE TELL ME I'm GOING TO FAINT

I'm going feral over her. I'M ACTUALLY GOING INSANE. PLEASE THIS IS THE PERSON OF MY DREAMS WHERE CAN I FIND THIS?????????? ANNE BONNEEEYYEYEYEYYE. ALSO THEY'RE WEARING CONTRASTING COLOURS PLEASE. I NEED THIS TO HAPPEN LESBIAN PIRATES PLEAAASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AAAAAAAAH

That concludes my frilly little rant. Expect more uncontrollable behaviour from my part in the next few weeks.

Oh, and of course more in October. I will be wrapped in my breakup-robe-blanket, in my pirate shirt, underneath my Queen Anne's Revenge flag, staring at my screen like a hermit.

[kirua9]

Rank the diaboys?

Hey hii

I really didn't want you anon to wait for eternity, but sorry, I wanna express my stupid thoughts fully...

So here we go.

Worst to best diaboys imo, but I actually don't know which parameters of ranking to use here... anyways this is too subjective no matter how hard I'd try.

13. Mr. Kino 0 prince, 0 sense.

Honestly, I have no clue why rejet even thought about adding a new character, when they have rather new characters in the lore — the Tsukinamis. So at this point his existing is questionable for me, really... + I'm not really acknowledged of this character, I can't write dissertations about him, so he is more like "Kino... Who?..".

12. Shu aka Shoe aka perverted narcoleptic aka the main gay idk.

I think I've scramed in every corner how I hate... no, loathe him. Weak and boring. I'm not gonna lie, the type of a horny lazy guy who looks like a supermodel and has a depression sounds seductive, but... not when this fictional guy is Shu :/ .... But who knows, maybe thats because we really have OTHER OPTIONS to compare him with))) I mean, the very beginning of HDB route was kinda promising (idk for what), the scene when he lies down on the floor and sees Yui's underwear is such an iconic episode of some dark ecchi fiction, tho... that's all I really liked about him, and only because I love stupid ecchi harems.

11. Shin, aka :" what is wrong with amount of accessories on you ". Werewolfs werewolfs skies will brighten

Khm. I have nothing much to say about him. Applause. Well, actually, I only like his archetype of a character, I mean, he seems to be cocky, violent and the guts of the duet (with Carla), like he really could be a cool minor antagonist who carries more like a comedy rile in the show... Anyways, I just have high expectations for him.

10. Carla aka emo Karlheinz. Obviously he's going to be near his bro. He's a little but higher because of the Endezeit (srry if I wrote incorrectly) and the tragic fate he has as a result... That's always sad how such a mighty and (seemingly 👀) an immortal creature becomes that fragile (((((((. Tho I dislike his voice

Also I have high expectations...

9. Subaru aka Subaru (car)

I don't like him. Just from the first his appearance, why does he have to be a Sakura Haruno mode all the time punching something?... Jokes aside, for me he's a very annoying and not cute representation of a tsundere... I remember he really could run away because started blushing like... wtf🥰?. But I guess thus unstability is from his mother.... Guys making jokes of him being an "edgy emo", oml I don't know... he is a sakura haruno imo.

8. Azusa aka...he really doing drugs

Well... he is not a cinnamonroll sorry guys, no, not today... he's fate isn't dramatic but really sad, idk he makes me feel depressed, like, the guy realized he's living for pain:((( Also kinda manipulating, sometimes gives Yui the same comments as the other guys could , like "secretly you like being beaten etc, deep inside you desire this"... But he is...somehow represent himself as a victim too? That's why he's interesting for me. He said something like "I and Eve are the same" and my brain really interprets those word like being the weaker, knowing your place, feeling pain. Sick and sad.

7. Yuma aka the ordinary one. This is a good representation of a tsundere 🤡. Well, okay he's not a pure that type, but his temper annoys me LESS (like a lot) then Subaru's uncontrollable seizures of anger. Idk, Yuma is just fine. Yes, sometimes is rude, calls Yui the sow, but lol, he's the most adequate among Mukamis at least, thats the reason to feel honor....

(LOL Kaji from Evangelion and Yuma from DL would be good friends, cause "idk much about this life, Id rather water the plants )

6. Ayato the mascot. Okay, the most adequate among the Sakamakis, I guess. As the side character annoyed me asf, really, and sometimes was nasty in his own roote, but honestly, I have nothing against him. Sorry to everyone, Ayayui the best ship

He really has the balance of an ordinary teenager creature and the freaking vampire, I also like the comedy-side of this character, he is cute from time to time. Deserves to be a mascot, because obviously red hair means the main and has the suitable personality.

5. Kou. MEOW MEOW HELLO KITTY....

Honestly, when I've read his MB route for the first time I wanted someone to squeeze my eyes and then throw away. God. What the fck did a read.... But actually the character itself is written hella good. I love how hypocritical he is, the contrast between him having the immortality and the special eye but will eat from the floor as the dog because there were awful times in his life when he didn't have other choice but to eat anything and anyhow... thay is genuinely sad and he's the asshole, but I love trash and those kinda characters.

4. Kanato aka Lenore the cute little dead girl

There's something wrong with me, because shota's aren't my type (at all), BUT if there's a pshyco... hmm... eatable.

I mean Kanato is extremely annoying because he is always yelling, but he's not boring at all. Every chapter from his routes are like visiting the circus without clowns. But seriously, his character is more than just schizophrenic infantile tantrums, I believe he actually could be a more mature version of himself. Also wtf he's sometimes looks like a child and sometimes so damn seductive, dealing with him is playing with fire honestly...

3. Reiji, looks like a butler more than the butler.

Jokes about mama reiji will be taken offensive, tho they're a little bit true.

Hohoho. Sexy. Reiji gives black butler vibes tho I didn't watch the anime or read the manga, don't hate me because of that. Idk this is the character I really sympathize since HDB guess because he (one way or another) took the "responsibility" of the household, jeez he's unpaid manager... someone appreciate reiji pls. Idc when people say he's only "book-smart", idk he shows himself as the honorable man. Little crazy, but so fcking intelligent, so his behavior looks like a work of acting art. He's the perfect guy here. Also his routs are quite romantic, yet bizarre sometimes, because reiji is a sophisticated bitch...

2. Ruki aka the intj mode.

Honestly at first I thought he's the worst what could happen to me, but I didn't kill myself when I was reading his MB... That was 10000 times better than Kou's... (and I expected they'd be similar idk why).

So another "book-smart" tho as in the example above I don't really care, because my favorite part of Ruki is his own understanding that he is circled in the cycle of sins... He struggles a lot, because he wants a second chance (living as the immortal),but there's always been a question:" Does he deserve it?" Does a boy, who had better pay for his sins with his life, deserve this exact life with an urge to revenge the world?.. But he really understands that he's already sublimed by the depth of vice and has no other choice than just do something, now that's he is led by other man's will, the circle closes. And Ruki is so damn miserable guy, tho he doesn't show this much, but he's seen shit. Ofc he's an asshole, but the atrocity he went through is worse. That's why the bad endings are so heartbreaking, when he turns mad, kills everyone, because it seems like he flew up once and fell immediately... 💀

1. Laito aka mind-body-problem.

Laito is a treasure: has a fucked up backstory, miserable, im silent about his fcking thoughts about his life in LE💀, has a facade, sometimes annoying asf, but he's a vulnerable soul, it's so painful to realize how sweet he actually would be, if there weren't some of consequences....

He suffers a lot, I mean, yeah, every diaboy suffers in "their own unique way" but idk in Laito's case his pain is the most heartbreaking. The conflict of a person with the fate/world is fascinating, but the inner conflict is just mind blowing. And I'm... I'm a suckered for such things. Welcome to the club of eating glass guys, I've always been there, yeah, I like to cry with a good reason, especially if it's about fictional characters 😀.

Really Laito's whole image (with all the facades and the true feelings) is an icon. Literally perfect for me, so damn interesting character...

[opens-up-4-nobody]

Naruto Shippuden things that made me lose my mind for one reason or another (s1-2):

Kakasi: what do the akatsuki want? Jiraiya: idk some evil shit

Naruto: my training was so intense I had get a new look

Kakashi sending young injured sasuke at naruto and sakura (he didn't even try to age him up??? Lol what were u trying to do???)

Genjutsu gaara: naruto, your life has been so so easy (😭)

Gaara spends like 10 episodes getting his soul sucked out and then like 10 episodes dead in the mouth of an explosive clay bird lmao

Sand village council: we think gaara is an uncontrollable monster. Therefore we will let him teach our children and make him our leader

Sakura: I am so useless that I cannot be trusted to wield my own strength. Therefore I will become a puppet

The way Gai says "Kakashi" in the dub

Naruto crying over Gaara's dead body

Anytime anyone calls tsunade "m'lady" I want to die

I hate that I have to look at Sai's pale midriff

Sakura: sai kinda reminds me of sasuke. Naruto, outraged: how dare you? Sasuke is way cooler! And way better!

Sai is a part of a ninja cult within the ninja black ops of a ninja village???

Wtf was Jiraiya doing to bring 4 tails out of naruto???

Kabuto @ naruto for being upset about sasuke: this display of emotion is unbecoming of a man! (I kno he means any emotion=bad but in my heart it felt like he was calling naruto a slur)

Sakura: what's with this Chakra? (Hello??? U kno naruto has the 9 tails in him, wtf do you think it is?)

How tf is narutos behavior about sasuke even more unhinged than I imagined????

Sai not bothering to catch sakura from falling off a bridge when it wouldn't even be out of his way

Naruto gets so angry he literally burns all his skin off

Sai: I will betry Danzo to observe whatever gay shit naruto and saskue have going on

Sakura: why are these faced crossed off in the bingo book? (for the love of god, why do you think?!)

Naruto: No way Sai could betray us! I saw him smile from the bottom of his heart. (Cut to the most horribly awkward image of Sai smiling)

Why is everyone so mean to Sai? He's like the living embodiment of your fucked up ninja teachings. Shouldn't you respect him?

The amount of times they cut back and forth between naruto and sasuke staring at eachother. Insane.

After years of separation, sasuke appears, titties out to sexy whisper in naruto's ear

Sasuke: I spared your life on a whim. Nothing more. (Fucking liar)

Kurama: u look like maidara uchiha. Sasuke: I dont give a fuck

[opinated-user]

Don't you think that Aliana may be a Jezebel kind of trope? It's a stereotype of a sedusive and sexually insatiable black woman that is usually thirsty for (white) man. You can can say it sounds questionible, but remember that Aliana got more than 50 one night stands in her 25 and just change white man for woman (Rey) and it all just... Wtf lily.

in case someone doesn't know, Jezebel as defined by TV Tropes: A Black Jezebel is a black woman (or women) depicted as lascivious, sexually deviant, exotically alien, and often eager for male (especially white male) attention. Her primary role in the work is to act as Ms. Fanservice (or, in more blatant portrayals, as a mockery of her race's attractiveness), often with little personality other than love or lust — again, especially for white men. This stereotype is easiest to spot when the character is the most (or only) objectified woman or character in the work.

there's definitely something wrong in the way LO treats black characters, absolutely. for one, it was 50 women the ones who asked Alaina to change pronouns when talking with her and i think it was like 70+ something women the ones she had stand alone nights on her ship. LO thinks that alaina is the sexiest woman to walk on earth (she actually said that during a stream) and then there's this: https://lily-orchard.tumblr.com/post/684074515707346944/women-exist-rey

do you see anything particular about this set of pictures? they're all black women. if LO wanted to have rey having a "gay panic" moment because of how uncontrollably attracted she is to women, why only these characters are put as example? what about rose? what about literally any other female character on the franchise? even if you somehow argue that these are the only characters that rey has the most interaction with on the fic, who wrote it to be like that? then you have details on the characterization of rey that feel out of place, like she thinking about how attractive Alaina is while consoling a crying toddler, having a wet dream involving Alaina just before that crying toddler wakes her up and now concerning herself more with what alaina possibly breaking up with her before thinking about her own gender. i don't think so much the issue is that alaina specifically is an insaciable seductrees (although that is a thing because, again, 70+ night stands) as much as LO is fetishizing black women in general. because of this is how we get the writing of alaina to be that way, and alaina ends up the most easily point of reference because of her being her favourite. as a result, finally, rey herself definitely and without a doubt comes out as a fetishist.

[uhthor]

Liv,,, the Loki finale,,, a tragedy. I want to hear all of your rants about it and also fuck d*sney

hello sweetie it’s been almost 48 hours and i’m still in shock and disbelief that the finale was that messy but i’ll try my best!

first of all, kang was the highlight of the episode. yes, his chat was long and complicated but jonathan majors was very very good and i cannot wait to see more of him in the mcu!

second, loki himself was incredible as always, sylvie was incredible, mobius was incredible & hunter b-15 was incredible. i have qualms about how messy it all was in the end with ravonna and wtf she been off doing (why were the minute men in ohio finding her on earth? there was no real conclusion to that, no real ending to her storyline and hunter b-15’s self realisation and rebellion which annoyed me to no end) and the ending was a dumpster fire cluster fuck. all three of the shows have been so ambitious with their plotting in the first 3/4 of the series and then the finales are just trying to wrap up so many things that nothing gets the justice it deserves and they need to Stop That Right Now because they just fall FLAT and disappoint

but the k!ss...... literally ruined the whole thing for me. loki as a character went through so much growth in a six episode series and i couldn’t be prouder of the way he changed and learned to believe in himself and that he was worthy of happiness. it’s truly some of the best work we’ve seen with loki in the entire mcu in my opinion.

miss minutes offered him a place in the timeline where he kills thanos and rules asgard and the loki in episode one would have jumped at that opportunity quicker than anything. episode six loki shed a few tears and remembered that he was worth more than that. that the cause was worth more than that, that people other than himself were worth saving and rescuing from the tva.

is that not the most incredible growth for loki? is that not the best growth we have seen alongside his growth in ragnarok? his main reasoning for not killing kang was to be able to help others and for sylvie to be okay. the fact the writers turned all of the growth he had made due to meeting sylvie on its head and had them kiss will always be disgusting to me.

they set the series up so well for loki to discover self love and worth through meeting sylvie, especially in that he said he just wanted sylvie to be okay in episode six — to me it will always still stand that loki learned to love himself and believe in his own worth through discovering he cared about sylvie in a non romantic way and that it changed him as a person. seeing a storyline of loki learning to love himself after a decade in the mcu of being made to be so inferior to everyone else by the people around him would have been the biggest love letter to loki and to loki’s fans, and tom.

it’s just so unfair and sad that they went down the route that they did. loki and sylvie had such a good relationship, something i saw parallel loki and thor’s relationship in the last ten years, and after loki was taken from the timeline and never allowed to see thor ever again, something good and stable and healthy loki could have had in his life from then onward.

but noooooo they had to make it romantic. they had to make things weird and they had to throw away a relationship they’d built so nicely with loki and mobius, too. people keep claiming that it wasn’t a romantic kiss and that sylvie was doing it to manipulate him and hit him where it hurts but as i re-emphasise again... there are literally thousands of other ways she could have done that. she could have hugged him. she could have just straight up pushed him. she could’ve pulled a hans of the southern isles and cupped his face and THEN pushed him. there literally had to be no romance involved. it was a choice made directly by marvel to engage in a selfcest relationship. there’s no ambiguity about it.

it also irritated me that people were saying it was typical for loki to fall for himself. we’re seeing a loki in this series like we’ve never seen before. he is so afraid of being alone and very clearly hates himself so much that to me, i don’t think he’d ever fall for himself. yes, he’s narcissistic, but he’s acknowledged that it’s only covering his absolute fear of being alone. i don’t think in any given circumstance would loki fall for himself because he loves himself. loki doesn’t love himself, which is one of the tragedies that this series focused on and created a beautiful journey with.

by meeting sylvie and learning that he cares about her and that she cares about him and believes that she deserved her own happy ending made him realise that he also deserves that, too. that’s the greatest love story that marvel should have written in this series after all the shit loki has been through. having him loving sylvie because she replicates his own self love and wanting her to be okay and have a happy ending is the way it should’ve gone. they are the same person, variations of the same person. her name is literally sylvie laufeydottir. they’re practically siblings. musical composer for the show natalie holt has said and i quote that loki looks at sylvie like he looks at his mother. ?!!!??!!!!!!??!??!? they’re family and it’s so so fucking weird for them to be romantic. it just ruined all of the work and excellence they provided in the first five and a half episodes and it pissed me off so bad. marvel have the uncontrollable need to pair every m/f that speak to each other for more than five minutes (st*ggy), even if they have no chemistry (bruc*nat, st*ron), EVEN IF THEY ARE RELATED OR THE SAME PERSON but won’t touch same sex relationships with a barge pole. funny, that

i just wanted the finale to solidify all of this — loki finally learning to love himself and discover that he has self worth and cares for others after his journey through the mcu being one of pure pain and suffering. i just wanted it to make sense and set up something with a tiny bit of coherence but i left the series more confused than i have ever been and just angry and betrayed really.

obviously i will watch season two and can only hope that things are fixed (wtf is going on with ravonna, hunter b-15, where is kid loki and allokigator, was the k!ss truly romantic, will they denounce all the selfcest etc. etc.) and don’t even get me started on the ending with mobius... not a jet ski in sight just fucking suffering. like twelve of my mutuals predicted he’d have his memories wiped yet it wasn’t any less painful when i saw it happen. justice for wowki, the actual only good and coherent and healthy relationship to come out of this series </3

also can someone PLEASE tell me if they saw casey anywhere cause eugene cordero was credited but i never saw my boy ONCE! he deserved BETTER!!!!

ok think i’m done tldr: fuck the finale i am gay and confused

[drarry-with-a-side-of-harry]

SO Diamond of the Day HMMMMM this episode was not was i was expecting and IT WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN I’D IMAGINED. HEARTBREAKINGLY DEVASTATING? YES OF COURSE. BUT SO SO BEAUTIFUL. i didn’t think it was going to be almost entirely Merlin and Arthur intimately talking and holding each other and everything coming out. and i’m so so happy that that’s what it was 🥺🥺🥺 it was fully just a Merthur episode. the episode we all deserved despite the tragedy because it did fit well even if it’s heartbreaking okay? 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Merlin: “you’re bleeding”

Arthur: “that’s alright i thought i was dying

ARTHUR BABE COULD YOU MAYBE NOT FOR LIKE TWO (2) SECONDS???

Merlin’s just rambling about everything he’s done and should’ve done and Arthur’s just smiling at him dopily i cannot deal with this 🥺😭 and Merlin just breaks down crying as he tells him that he’s the sorcerer i- 🥺🥺🥺

the way they’re holding each other

Merlin said ‘i use my magic for you, Arthur. only for you’ 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 let’s be honest, Diamond of the Day Part 2 is all just 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 oh, and some more 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Arthur just fucking breaks when Merlin first does magic in front of him knowingly obviously lmao he’s just so scared and feels betrayed i-

when Gaius comes back with the herbs and Merlin’s angry at his dad Gaius for not getting the best things he could because he’s just so scared about Arthur this boy i swear- 🥺🥺 but Gaius just knows and tells him to go water the horses lmao come on Gaius you KING

it’s so lovely when Gaius is talking to Arthur about Merlin and trying to talk him round and then we get the gem: ‘there are those who say he’s the greatest sorcerer to walk the earth’... ‘Merlin?’ lmaoooo Arthur stop being a little shit for like TWO (2) SECONDS and listen to Gaius

Merlin is just distraught ‘i can’t let you die’ OH BABY. the ANGST i simply could not deal

then they come across the two saxons ‘you have to help us, we were ambushed’ ‘by who?’ ‘tHEse tWo mEN’ nice one Merlin glad to see your ability to lie has not improved since.. the poetry incident lmaooooooo i can’t with him then Merlin fucking magics them into oblivion and all Arthur can say is ‘you’ve lied to me all this time’ 🥺🥺🥺🥺 and the look he gives Merlin just broke me. THE ANGST

then in the forest at night Arthur half heartedly spits ‘why don’t you use magic’ when Merlin’s tryna light the fire oh baby Arthur’s so mad i can’t with this boy. you little arsehole Arthur Pendragon boy’s been saving your life since day one pipe down ANYWAY Merlin gives him a proper answer and says it’s just out of habit and he turns to Arthur and this boy just NODS AT MERLIN AND THE GROUND, WITH A SLIGHT HINT OF A SMILE AND RAISED EYEBROWS AS IF TO SAY ‘GO AHEAD, DO IT’ THE CHEEK OF THIS MAN he just wants to watch him do it. anyway Merlin does and says ‘it feels strange’ and all Arthur can say is ‘yeah’ yeh alright well done mate do better next time i know you’re dying babe but please

Arthur still has the same expression on his face, ever so slight smile, and says ‘i thought i knew you’ and Merlin’s looking at him like ‘wtf man what do you want me to say to that exactly??’ but actually says ‘i’m still the same person’ 🥺🥺🥺 ‘i trusted you’ 🥺🥺🥺🥺 ‘i’m sorry’ 🥺🥺 ‘i’m sorry, too’ 🥺🥺🥺 I’M SORRY TOO. ARTHUR SAID I’M SORRY TOO

OH I’M SORRY BUT I CAN’T ANYMORE THIS IS TOO MUCH 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

then a crazy intimate moment where Merlin takes off Arthur’s boots and Arthur’s so confused as to why he’s still acting like this UHHHHH KING that’s all Merlin’s ever done he just wants to be yours take that as you will

then Merlin’s feeding him and Arthur just comes out with it. he doesn’t understand why he would act the servant when he’s a sorcerer 🥺🥺 ‘it’s my destiny’ ARTHUR IT’S HIS DESTINY I- ‘as it has been since the day we met’ and Arthur cracks a slight smile at that 🥺🥺🥺 ‘i tried to take your head off with a mace’ ‘and i stopped you, using magic’ AND LET ME TELL YOU THESE BOYS REMINISCING JUST FINISHED ME OFF ONCE AND FOR ALL WHY IS THIS SO SOFT 🥺🥺🥺 ‘you cheated’ ‘you were going to kill me’ ‘i should have’ ‘i’m glad you didn’t’ and Arthur scoffs i’ve asked you before, can you just pipe down for a sec? thanks. and Merlin’s just saying lovely things to him and Arthur’s just looking at him so intently and sweetly ‘there’ll never be another like you, Arthur’ and then Arthur’s pondering and Merlin looks away like he’s spoken out of turn and idk man getting a bit of a GAY VIBE like he’s admitting his love and shouldn’t have. idk seems kinda gay to me. idk though

the way he holds his head while he’s feeding them yes i know this is just what you do but 🥺🥺🥺🥺

at this point every time Arthur collapses i was crying because i kept thinking he was gonna die at any minute i- i’m a mess

Arthur says ‘why did you never tell me?’ king. KING. how could he??? 🥺🥺 and Arthur just looks so so sad

the way Merlin’s holding him

Merlin tells him he didn’t want to put Arthur in that position of deciding whether or not to chop his head off and Arthur replies with a smile ‘that’s what worried you?’ 🥺🥺🥺 YES KING HE’S ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT YOU. Merlin tells Arthur that he was born to serve him and that he’s proud of that and Arthur’s just looking at him like Merlin’s just given him the world 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

‘so you’re not an idiot that was another lie’ lmaooooo king stop ‘no, it’s just another part of my charm’ and Merlin turns back to him and gives him the warmest little smile 🥺🥺 and Arthur has a little smile to himself 🥺🥺🥺

then Merlin’s doing all his little magic tricks to distract the saxons and Arthur’s watching so intently. so quizzically. and says with his trademark sarcasm ‘you’ve done this before’ and Merlin just looks at him and Arthur almost doesn’t know what to say until ‘all these years Merlin, you never once sought any credit’ YEAH WE KNOW KING THAT’S WHY YOU LOVE HIM

i just love how this episode is just the progression Arthur slowly coming to terms with who Merlin is and accepting him for it which is not what i thought it was going to be but boy oh boy am i glad that it is 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Arthur’s starts ‘whatever happens...’ and is about to say something sad and Merlin just- ‘shh don’t talk’ ‘i’m the king Merlin, you can’t tell me what to do’ ‘i always have, i’m not going to change now’ ‘i don’t want you to change. i want you to always.. be you’ 🥺🥺 this episode really gave us everything and then took it all away huh? and then they’re joking and Arthur’s delirious and passes out and Merlin’s got tears in his eyes, just holding his neck to make sure he’s ok 🥺🥺🥺

and then it’s time for Morgana to die and Arthur has to watch Merlin plunge this blade into his sister because that’s who she is even if she’s gone a bit bad lmao and Merlin says ‘goodbye Morgana’ and Arthur’s just staring like he feels nothing at this point 🥺🥺🥺🥺 but then he says ‘brought peace at last’ and i just- 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 i’m broken 🥺🥺

and then Arthur collapses. and they joke about Merlin’s magic not being able to save him🥺 and Merlin’s just holding him. 🥺 because that’s what Arthur asks him to do 🥺 please. and Arthur says ‘there’s something i want to say’ and i was just sobbing uncontrollably at this point. and Merlin thinks he’s going to say goodbye. but that’s not it. of course that not it Merlin. 🥺🥺 ‘everything you’ve done... i know now. for me, for camelot... for the kingdom you help me build’ AND IT’S COMING. Merlin tells him he would’ve done it without him and i think we all know that’s not true and Arthur says ‘maybe’ with a smile at him 🥺🥺🥺 AND IT’S STILL COMING ‘i want to say something i’ve never said to you before’ and I FUCKING KNEW what it was going to be ‘thank you’ and i just broke and so did Merlin and Arthur’s just smiling at him and Merlin’s shouting his name but he’s gone and 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 he whispers ‘stay with me’ but it’s too late 🥺🥺🥺 and Merlin screams for the Great Dragon.

he tells him there’s nothing that can be done. and Merlin thinks he’s failed but dragon boy tells him that’s not the case 🥺🥺 because he’s built everything that he was supposed to with Arthur 🥺🥺🥺 ‘i can’t lose him, he’s my friend’ oh

‘Arthur is not just a king... he is the once and future king’ i-

and then Arthur’s in the boat and Merlin touches his forehead and he just breaks down crying and if i remember correctly Merlin, Arthur told you no man is worth your tears 🥺🥺🥺 and he just keeps touching him because it’s the last chance he’ll ever get. and he sets the boat off and he breaks down crying again. baby, me too

now, i don’t know if he was meant to light it up and couldn’t bring himself to??? but that’s what i’m thinking currently

OKAY I AM DONE. yes this was a post to help with the trauma. yes it’s long. i am currently dead. i’ll keep you updated lmao

[crossovereddie]

Thoughts on S10xE12: THE WEDDING

Okay so y’all know how this is gonna go. A lot of tears. A lot of screaming via caps lock. And of course it wouldn’t be complete without a lot of “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH” and pet names for Mickey. Enjoy. 

Let’s get non related gallavich things out of the way because I don’t wanna finish this on a downer

I actually love Liam/Frank scenes

Debbie finally getting what she deserves? Good

Tami is a fucking bitch

Entitled little brat

You won’t change my mind about this

Don’t even try defending her

You NEVER use someone’s child against them.

Don’t threaten to take Fred away then be shocked that Lip ruined his sobriety

I just kept repeating “please no” when he paused before taking that first sip

It fucking hurt so much

Lip deserves BETTER

Tami is toxic. End of. Period.

Now let’s bring up the mood!!

Liam looking at the tuxes was so cute

He’s so confused

Mickey actually chose a white tux for himself :((((((

My snow angel🥺

Everyone checking on Ian is so sweet

Carl’s toe nail clippings “you picking those up” 😂😂😂

Ian really hates that shit doesn't he

I'm so proud of him for taking his meds

GIVE ME THOSE PHOTOS

"Savings" lmao

Baby got fancy for his wedding

HIS FACE I CANT😂😂😂

They shower together :((((

“Those are nice right?”

Fashionista Mickey making another comeback

Unpopular opinion but I love seeing his Ian tattoo on his chest ON THEIR WEDDING DAY

chin touch :(

So soft. So sweet.

THE WAY IAN GRABS HIM YES BITCH

THE GRUNT 🤤🤤🤤

HEIGHT DIFFERENCE FUCK

MICKEY IS T I N Y!!!!

TOWEL

NECK KISS

FUCK

I fucking hate terry

I need him dead because my baby isn’t safe until he is

His little “what?” 😩

HE DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER

GET HIM BABY

But like don’t because I need you free

Can sandy poison terry or something?

Sandy 😂😂

This scene was sad because my poor baby but so early shameless I love it

Carl and the beer trilogy 😂😂😂

“I don’t wanna get married where my shoes stick to the floor”

GIVE THE PRINCE HIS ROYAL WEDDING

The spinal cord line 😂😂😂

Mickey’s a Gallagher I don’t care what their last name is

HERE COME THE TEARS AGAIN

“Why is Mickey handcuffed?”

“Terry fucking wins again” NO BABY

MY FUCKING HEART

ILL GIVE YOU ALL THE HALLOWEEN CANDY TO FILL YOUR LITTLE TUMMY BABY BOY

I WANNA BUY YOU ALL THE CHRISTMAS GIFTS YOU WANT

LET ME ADOPT YOU

IM SO FUCKING SAD FOR HIM

HE DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER

“I love you. I love you” 😭😭😭😭😭

“This son of a bitch is never gonna let me be happy” IM SOBBING ALL OVER AGAIN

In so little words Lip really said “Mickey Milkovich deserves the wedding of his dreams and we’re gonna make it happen if it’s the last thing I do”

Did anyone else start singing Carrie Underwood when Ian said “Louisville slugger”

The Gallagher’s love Mickey so much

I LOVE MICKEY SO MUCH

IAN FUCKING LOVES MICKEY SO MUCH

“Mickey might have to marry Debbie instead of Ian”

“Nice polish boy named Michael” LMAO

I love Lip

OKAY THIS SCENE KILLED ME

The way Mickey is looking at Ian melts my heart

Again their height difference murdered me

YOU WANT KIDS?

K I D S

IAN WANTS KIDS WITH MICKEY BUT WE ALREADY KNEW THAT

FUCK HIS DREAM FROM THE ICONIC DELETED SCENE IS COMING TRUE

IF THEY DONT HAVE KIDS NEXT SEASON IM RIOTING

I like when they make fun of each other because they are literally best friends forever

THEIR SMILES

MILKOVICH

GALLAGHER

BUT WHICH ONE IS IT NOW

Ian is obsessed with holding mickey’s neck

THUMB

MY BOYS LOOK SO HANDSOME IN THEIR TUXEDOS

Mickey trying to be nice to this lady 😂😂

I LOVE HIS VOICE

They have mutual friends and I’m fond

I told y’all it’s the little things that get me

“Chiavari chairs look nice” “I like how the gold catches the light” DONE

The cake topper I NEED IT

I HATE TERRY I HATE TERRY I HATE TERRY

The lip and Ian scene made me cry again

THE SONG

IAN YOU SAP

HE LOVES MICKEY SO MUCH

As soon as I heard the first cords of the song I IMMEDIATELY bursted into sobs

IM CRYING AGAIN

MY LONELY DAYS ARE OVER 😭😭😭

Once again I’m beyond jealous of sandy

I wanna walk my baby down the aisle 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

HES SO CUTE FUCK

IM HONESTLY NOT OKAY

THE NIGHT I LOOKED AT YOU

I DIDNT KNOW THIS SONG WAS GONNA HURT SO MUCH

HEIGHT DIFFERENCE AGAIN IM SO BLESSED

It’s like even more noticeable this episode right?????

TINY AND TALL

BLACK HAIR AND RED HAIR

BLUE EYES AND GREEN EYES

WHITE TUX AND BLACK TUX

TOUGH AND SOFT

THEY COMPLIMENT EACH OTHER IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE

Kev was so funny finally

GET HIS HOMOPHOBIC ASS GAY JESUS SQUAD

When they kept singing even after he pulled his gun I cried so hard

I’m crying again wtf

THE VOWS FUCK

TO BE MY HUSBAND

IM FULL ON UGLY CRYING I CANT EVEN SEE THE SCREEN

I IAN TAKE YOU MICKEY TO BE MY HUSBAND

FUCK THIS HURTS SO MUCH

AFTER ALL THE SHIT THEYVE BEEN THROUGH THEYRE GIVING THEMSELVES TO EACH OTHER IN THE PUREST WAY POSSIBLE

“Now?” “Yes now” HE WAS SO EAGER AND SHOCKED THAT THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE SINCE HE WAS A KID IS NOW HIS HUSBAND

We got to see the smitten lovesick Ian Gallagher from s1 again

HES NEVER STOPPED BEING SMITTEN AND LOVESICK BY MICKEY

Honestly same

Not gonna lie, seeing frank emotional made me even more emotional

MICKEYS SMILE COULD LIGHT THE WORLD

MY SON IS ACUALLY MY SUN

THE HAND HOLDING IS SO CUTE

THEYRE ACTUALLY MARRIED

HUSBANDS!!!!!

IAN SO PROUD HAVING HIS BABY ON HIS ARM

YES MICKEY IS IANS BABY FIGHT ME

IM SO FUCKING HAPPY

MICKEY DANCING IS THE CUTEST THING IVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE

“I miss mom” that hurt a lot more than I thought it ever would

I’m glad they mentioned Monica. Ian loved her so much

YOURE REALLY GONNA PLAY PERFECT RIGHT NOW FUCK YOU

“I should probably go dance with my husband” THATS YOUR HUSBAND CAN YOU BELIEVE IT

The head neck tuck 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

THE WAY THEYRE HOLDING EACH OTHER LIKE THEY NEVER WANNA LET GO

“We were just kids when we fell in love not knowing what it was I will not give you up this time” FUCK WHOEVER PICKED THIS SONG YOU WIN

I actually hate this song with a passion but suddenly I love it

LIKE THEYRE ACTUALLY SLOW DANCING

SLOW DANCING AT THEIR OWN WEDDING

IAN REALLY HAD TO DO THE NECK GRAB WITH THE THUMB RUB COMBO JUST TO KILL ME DIDNT HE

THEYRE SO IN LOVE IVE NEVER SEEN A LOVE THIS DEEP BEFORE (and I’m fucking married to the love of my life/high school sweetheart lmao)

Liam getting the car for them was the sweetest thing

He opens the car for Ian :((((

HE HOPS INTO THE CAR MY LITTLE BUNNY

Frank is genuinely happy for them and that fucks me up so much

THEY REALLY HAD TO USE RED SHEETS HUH

THEY KNEW IT WOULD FUCK US ALL UP EVEN MORE THAN WE ALREADY ARE

The soft touches are always my favorite

They make my heart flutter

“Morning Mr. Gallavich” OKAY SAY WHAT YOU WANT BUT THAT WAS ACTUALLY REALLY FUCKING CUTE

“Morning Mr......Millogher?” THE CUTENESS WONT STOP

Mickey physically cannot stop caressing Ian

THE THUMBS ALWAYS GET ME

Like I actually look for them knowing they’re gonna be doing the thumb rub

Fucking terry

BUT THEY LOOK SO CUTE COVERED IN FEATHERS

There Mickey goes again with the Ian caressing

in case you forgot: THEYRE MARRIED

HUSBANDS

I can’t believe this actually happened. They’re actually MARRIED. After everything they/we have been through....wow. I’m still in shock. I’m still crying my eyes out. Now I’m gonna go cuddle up with my husband and make him watch the episode with me since he finally has time. I’m over emotional. It’s not fair that they wait until I’m pregnant to let Mickey be happy. It’s like they enjoy my uncontrollable sobs. Leave me your thoughts! I wanna talk about this episode forever.

[sebastianshaw]

Rando Munday ramblings! For new followers, on Munday sometimes I just post a bunch of personal stuff I normally wouldn’t. Not usually anything intimately personal, more like random thoughts and news that just isn’t relevant to the blog in any way, not related to X-Men or RP or writing in general, etc. ....there’s a lot of Hannibal today, sorry, I’m rewatching it.

- I definitely wanna have a pair of critters named Hannibal and Hasdrubal at some point, maybe if there's a third I'd name him Hamilcar. I know everyone will think I named them after Hannibal Lector but actually these are really common names from Ancient Carthage. Like if you look at Carthagian history and records, everyone is Hannibal, Hasdrubal, or Hamilcar, it's like John, James, and Jim. I'd prefer the pair, though, since Hannibal and Hasdrubal were a pair of brothers and famous historical figures, so it would feel much more like a "set" that way (whereas they did not have a brother called Hamilcar) - Speaking of Hannibal Lector, I knew he was based on a real person, but I did not realize that person was a gay Mexican man. That’s...an interesting example of gay history, for sure. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, Thomas Harris (the writer of the books that the films and later the TV series were based on) based Hannibal on a surgeon he met while interviewing an inmate at prison for another novel. This surgeon was so intelligent and charismatic that Harris implicitly assumed that he was a doctor in the employ of the prison. Nope---the doctor was an inmate himself. Harris was so shaken by the encounter that it inspired him to create Hannibal Lector, who, in contrast to the typical media portrayals of serial killers as uncontrolled lunatic slashers like Michael Myers or Leatherface, is a charming, culture, charismatic intellectual. To protect the man’s identity, Harris called him “Dr. Salazar” in interviews, so that was always how I knew him. I just now learned not only was his real name Alfredo Balli Trevino, but his victim was Jesus Castillo Rangel, his male lover. Harris describes him as a small, lithe man with dark red hair and, unsurprisingly, “a certain elegance about him”. Though Trevino was given the death penalty for his crimes, his sentence was commuted to 20 years and he was released in either 1980 or 1981. He died in in 2009 when he was 81 years old. He reportedly spent the last years of his life helping the poor and elderly, and he expressed deep regret for his “dark past”---which I suppose makes sense, since his crime was that he killed a lover in a fit of rage during an argument, whereas Hannibal simply killed people in cold blood whom he had no attachment to because he liked eating them (something Trevino never did) and to punish them for rudeness. - I’ve decided to stop buying silk, unless it's from a thrift store and thus my money won't go to supporting sericulture. Ahimsa silk isn't an option either, the bugs aren't technically killed but they're not treated well either. I know it might seem weird to eat meat and wear leather and yet not want to purchase something that hurt moths and larva, but...I have to eat meat for medical reasons, and my leather purchases is limited to boots that I then keep for YEARS AND YEARS so it's very sparing. There's really no such thing as a cruelty-free diet or lifestyle, whether that cruelty is suffered by animals or by other humans, but I can still make choices that at least lesson some small aspect of harm. I need to eat meat, I don't need real silk. ...Haven only wears bamboo silk for this reason and when this came up with Shaw, he absolutely thought she was fucking with him, like even SHE can’t be THIS insane, NO ONE ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT BUGS WTF - The books nearest to me right now are “Women Who Run With The Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype ” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, The Norton Anthology of English Literature: The Romantic Period, “X-Men: The Legacy Quest Trilogy” by Steve Lyons, two  horror anthologies, the script for “M. Butterfly” by David Henry Hwang, “The Spanish Riding School of Vienna: Tour of America 2005″ book I got from when I went to see the Lippizanner horses perform, and a big beautiful leatherbound English translation of “The Flowers of Evil” by Charles Baudelaire. This is...this is a summary of my whole personality, sans rodents. Also god I need to clean my room. - Something I've noticed is that many sci-fi horror films that do the whole "science went too far against nature!!!" thing....don't actually have the problem result from the lack of ethics involved or because the scientists did something "unnatural", it happens because they didn't follow basic safety precautions, lab protocol, common sense, etc. "Splice" for instance, is a really good example---the problem isn't that they made a part-human hybrid, that's not why shit goes wrong, shit goes wrong because the two scientists act like idiots, adopt the creation as a child, hide it in their barn instead of a sterile controlled environment, and then one of them HAS SEX WITH IT. Or in "The Fly" the problem isn't that Brundle invented a teleporter, it's that he tested it ON HIMSELF while he was ALL ALONE. Even in "Jurassic Park" the issue is less that dinosaurs are breeding and more the result of a disgruntled worker who was given way too much power over being able to run things, and thus shut them down when he wants to. So many "science gone wrong!" movies end up not really being condemnations of science itself, so much as depicting scientists as utter dumbasses. Which, on the one hand, I do like, because I dislike the notion of condemning scientific progress just because it seems icky or creepy or "goes against nature" (so do vaccines, I still like those!) But on the other hand, the movies don't FRAME it as "this is the result of failure to practice science safely and sensibly" they frame it as "they should never have attempted such an unnatural thing and this disaster is punishment for a moral sin" even though the issue doesn't happen because what the scientists did was "wrong" it happens because they do something DUMB. - Bringing it back to Hannibal, I reached the episode where Margot Verger first appears, and if I have one big disappointment about the Hannibal series, it's Margot. In the books, she's a huge butch lesbian, literally and figuratively. In the TV series, she's a pretty femme fashionista like all the other women, and she fucks Will in order to get pregnant. At the time this came out in 2013, I tried to be all resigned and fair-minded about this. I was like "ok, well, they didn't want to be offensive with a stereotype, and I guess that's fair, I guess not hurting people matters more to me than getting the horseback-riding bulldyke hearthrob of my high school years on-screen at last" but you know what? No. Firstly, butch lesbians deserve representation too. How many have you ever seen onscreen, let alone in a mainstream media production? Sure, it's a stereotype, but it's not an inherently negative one, they just get treated that way in media because society sees it that way. But the way to handle butch lesbians and femme gay men and so on isn't to erase them from the screen, it's to start writing them as human beings and not caricatures or jokes or monsters. Margot is a fleshed-out human being, she's nuanced and twisted and hurt like everyone else in this series, she would be PERFECT for that. She wouldn't be just a butch lesbian, she'd be a CHARACTER who just also happens to be a butch lesbian. I don't really think she was changed to avoid "hurting" lesbians, I think she was changed because the director, gay man or not, clearly has a way he wants the women in his series to look (they're all fashion plates, all have long hair, all very sophisticated, etc) and book Margot didn't fit his aesthetic, his design if you will. Because god forbid we just make her a DAPPER dyke, right? Back to having sex with Will, which most certainly did NOT happen in the books...that's not bad itself in a VACUUM, fucking men to get a baby is something real-life lesbians do, I had a friend in college who was actually conceived that way, but like...no media exists in a vacuum, and there is very little depiction of lesbians in media that doesn't feature them fucking men for SOME reason or another. They want a baby, or they start the story with a boyfriend, or they're actually bisexual, or they're even raped, but there's always SOME reason we have to watch a guy fucking them and it's frankly distressing. Like, remember Irene Adler in BBC's Sherlock? It's a pattern. And I'm not saying lesbians who have had a sexual past with men, or who were the victims of sexual violence by men, don't deserve representation, I would never say that, those are very common experiences, I'm not saying "gold stars only", I'm saying that there is a strong pattern in media where it seems almost obligatory that a lesbian has to have sex with or be attracted to men at some point, while comparatively the opposite case, where a lesbian is depicted as exclusively and only attracted to and "with" other women, is seldom there. And it's just kind of a kick in the nads for me, as I think it was for a lot of other lesbians, butch or not, that a gay director took an opportunity like Margot Verger and turned her into just another attractive lipstick lesbian that is okay with having sex with the male protagonist as a treat tee hee (Spoiler: She does end up with Alana though, which I appreciate)

[lilylilie001]

TCW S07E11 Reaction

“Shattered”

- I am so scared!

- Seriously can my heart calm down? At least a bit...

- Also can this episode please come online before I die from an heart attack

- I kinda hope for a “Fives was right”-moment with rex

- I just want the episode!!!

- ITS ONLINE!!

- Ahsoka!

- “I have learned from the best” Ahsoka are trying to kill me here???!

- Rex!

- OMG I am scared! i feel like Anakin is gonna be gone when she arrives!

- WHY WAS I RIGHT?? 😭😭😭

- Not yet? Ahsoka what are you trying to say?

- “Then the war could be over soon” “that depends on the chancellor” I hate how true that is!!

- FUCK YOU MACE!!! She just captured Maul! She is better than all of you together!!

- Yoda called her padawan... 😭

- “No I didn’t” Ahsoka...I hate everything

- Also how does Rex know? Did Ahsoka tell him? Probably

- Ursa!

- I am still waiting for the Sabine cameo

- Ohhh Maul is awake...?

- Bo 😂

- So they really just threw the Ahsoka Novel out of the window, right? Like it has nothing to do with the story I read! I do like the new storyline but I hate that they make this book Legends. Especially bc the Lady Tano talk in Rebels now lost his meaning... maybe they do fix it. Maybe he does escape again and Ahsoka has to save Rex instead of recapturing it

- Maul is going to open his eyes, right? As soon as tge camera is close enough he is gonna open his eyes? And the probably escape...i can just feel it

- Never mind they made a cut 😂😂😂 i should stop predicting stuff and just watch the damn episode 😂

- Rex and Ahsoka are so wholesome!! I love their friendship sooo much!!!! And love both characters individually as well!!

- The two salute each other....i just can’t...my heart is not ready for this wholesomeness

- AHSOKA GO WITH THEM!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING STUPID??? GO!!! If it is gonna be order 66 i swear to god! Or if it is anakin reaching out to her!!! AHSOKA! MOVE!!!

- Yeah now we get the eye opening...it is order 66, isn’t it?

- OMG SHE CAN HEAR ANAKIN!!!!????? omg!!!! (also hearing hadyens voice in clone wars is kinda weird)

- I KNEW IT!!! NOOOOOOOO

- “Yes Lord Sidious” REX? REX?! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?

- Ohhh fuck he is crying! BABY! IT IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT! I mean I know it is not but...you are gonna...alive...and Ahsoka too! (i am so happy that these two ahve plot armor!!!!)

- Jesse...don’t do anything stupid...

- I am kinda happy that Ahsoka is killing the clones to protect Rex (and herself I guess) and not the other way around!

- Ohh no Rex is shooting at her...never mind my last point...

- Ahsoka?

- Where did she go? (Also why am I laughing? I think I just arrived a new state of panicing: uncontrollable laughter...i am fine...)

- Execute Maul? Interesting priorities? Like he is sith i guess kinda

- i mean he is againt palpatine and vader so i guess it makes sense but I don’t why that would he a part of order 66 anyway I am probably overthinking it and they just know who palpd wants dead

- So now to the important thing: is Jesse still alive?

- yes he is! Thank you! Ahsoka did not kill him...yet (I just see now senerio were he survies this arc but I do have hopes)

- So Maul does not get himself out of there. I am kinda relieved bc that would have been very Mary Sue

- Ahsoka saves him??! I am so here for that! Maul and Ahsoka working together! Yes!

- I feel like I am way to forgiving with Maul bc I just love his character this arc and I love Sam! I need to keep reminding myself that he killed Qui-Gon and Satine! And a few other people...

- “Don’t make me regret this” Yeah seems about right

- I am so happy that I still have like half of the episode!

- “Brilliant, brilliant” 😂😂😂😂

- You go girl! Never mind the teaming up! I like this plan way more!!

- Good girl! I would have been so mad if she would have given one of Anis lightsabers to him! Like girl keep them! I know you will give them away very soon but not to maul!

- Where is R2 when you need him?

- I love how Ahsoka treats droids! Like how is this girl sooo perfect!!! I way to gay for that!!

- I love that the Fives Arc plays into this episode! Ahhh everything is connected so beautifully! Also Fives sacrifice will safe Ahsoka and Rex...that is beautiful! I still hate that he died! That was not okay and I will never be okay with that!! But at least it saves them...

- Maul is just like: who needs a lightsaber anyway? (I know he didn’t have a choice but still)

- He just beheaded them...wtf

- also I just keep scanning the screen for Jesse

- Jesse deserves a on screen death! That is all I am asking for at this point! Just give him a death scene! He deserves that! (Or let him live! That would be even better)

- Now that was just cruel...there war no need to just cut off his arm...like at least probably kill him!

- Rex!

- Ahsoka!

- Why is she so perfect? I love her...i just do!

- Ahsoka saves Rex...I just...my heart...this is so wholesome!!!

- There is no chip?

- what the fuck?

- filoni explain this! Don’t cut away! I need answers!

- Ohh nooo...

- Now this is just beautiful...😭😭😭

- He is gonna be okay!

- Did he just?

- Rex!!!!

- “Yeah kid! I am okay!” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 snadkeiwenshejkwedksfjjwijdndndnekkendndjejjsjsndbshjakskdkekkdnejsjejndbdjdjemsnjrjtj

- he called her kid...

- Seriously? No hug?! How was that monent not hug worthy? HOW??!

Okay this was good! I like this one! I am surprisingly fine! I mean I got wholesome scenes with Rex and Ahsoka! We saw Maul kicking ass! Jesse did not die yet! Yeah that is what I wanted.

Also I am fine with her not talking to Anakin. And I am happy that the last time we saw TCW Anakin was the scene in Old Friends Not Forgotten! It was nice goodbye! Farewell Anakin Skywalker! It was an hour to watch you General! You will be missed! (Anakin is dead okay. Darth Vader has replaced him. They are not the same, okay! The just share a past!)

But before I end this I need to take a moment to congratulat Ahsoka on her denieing the truth and reality skill when it comes to Anakin! Like girl the facts and the prove is right there! And you will ignore it all up to Malachor! That is some skill!

[kellinquinnaf]

A bi girls story

As a teenybopper I remember fantasizing about boys and coming up with senarios in my head. One day it was randomly a girl in my thoughts.

In summer 2015 I kissed a girl “A” (my bestfriend at the time) idk why part of me just really wanted to and she kissed me back, a boy saw (an ex it’s a small town) and was SHOCKED but we played it off. Later the “A” and I are home alone and I totally kissed her, pushed her up against the wall and everything. She was my first make out too. Throughout the summer we would have sleepovers and make out and it got as far as being shirtless and grinding (and I came wtf??) The whole time we would ask eachother if we’re straight or not and I was so like mind boggled that I was like “im straight, and we’re just friends who kiss” looking back now we were totally girlfriends that summer.

After that summer I was at a sleep over (in the city now) with my straight best friend “B” (100%) and another girl “S” and we were all friends. For some reason we started giving eachother hickeys and my straight bff “B” thought it was hilarious but I was like so into giving “S” hickeys that after I got sooooo nervous. We were all laying in her big bed together and my bff “B” fell asleep and I was so nervous that I kept shaking uncontrollably and she kept asking why. We were cuddling and so close and I can’t remember what I said but I think I told her I wanted to kiss her and we did and it’s was so amazing. Then weeks later we all had another sleep over and I was more confident this time and I kissed her and she kissed me back but out of no where “S” got up and was all nervous and I was sad that it ended but scared that she was not happy about something. After that she moved schools and I heard from my bff “B” that she felt really awkward about it all. Then she’d start posting about her “gf” (it was supposed to be platonic to the rest of the world) but as she posted pics or vids of them kissing I knew it was real for one of them at least.

In grade 11 a new girl came into the school, she was short and had the best but ever.. I couldn’t help but look. We ended up snapping and FaceTiming a few times and she wanted me to sleep over and she talked about us doing shit. She had a boyfriend at the time and he said he was ok with her experimenting. I was so excited to go over, and she started snapping me her in the bath and then her tits but she started snapping me just her vagina and I was not ready for that. The sleepover never happened :/. Yearssss later I’m in the city at the club and she’s there. I dance with her can call her hot and she says something like it’s been a while. We part ways.

I had a few boyfriends / flings in between then and finally made out with some boys and it was all really amazing too! The next summer I didn’t want to go back to the small town cause I had met this guy “D”! But I went back anyways.

I got a boyfriend in this town in summer 2016 and we told eachother we loved one another a few weeks into dating. During this summer I had a little fling with a girl “J” who at the same time was dating my ex-crush of 3 years who his letter is “V”. We tried kissing in front of both our boys they were just like wtf ok.

My boyfriend and I went long distance for a year while I went back to the city for school. During this time I went to a party with a bunch of people from my grade and idk why but I started talking to this girl “H” and straight up asked her (while drunk) if she ever thought about being with girls and she admitted yes and I kissed her. People saw and she got awkward about it. Another friend who saw got awkward around me after too. Another friend knew I’ve kissed other girls and I told her I was thinking about this party girl “H” and she told me that “H” felt weird about it after it happened. I let it go. During this time I also kissed a boy “J” at a party. And more girls at a different party (including my straight best friend “B” while she was drunk. I convinced her to kiss me I just wanted to see how she kissed lol). When prom came boy “J” had a girlfriend and we saw eachother at prom with our dates (“J” knew at the time that I had a boyfriend when I kissed him at the party) he just said hey Sam and looked at me with side eye but flirtation??? I said hey back .. my boyfriend knew that was the guy.

Fast forward a year and I moved in with my boyfriend in the small town. We were completely in love until we moved in together. Things get hard when you graduate high school and move 15 hours away with your boyfriend the day after. I cheated on him with a man “K” a year later and again 6 months after that, with “D” from years after he and I were a thing.

During the second time I was back in the city at the club dancing with the cheat “D” and my bffs sister “K” (guy “D” had a huge crush on girl “K” for the longest time). I’m between them both, my front grinding this girls ass and my ass grinding on this guy. This is the moment I felt true complete bliss and I knew then in that exact moment that I was bisexual. I then admitted it to my bestfriend “B” days later, the first person I told out loud and she said “I’ve known that since girl “S” in grade 10” (at this point we’re on our second year out of high school) Guess I must be obvious.

This guy “D” though he accepted my bisexuality in the moment and made me feel empowered and turned on by it. He was turned on by it. It just felt so good to be with someone so open. Actually I had another boy “C” who felt the same and it felt so good to me for them to enjoy me just being bisexual me. (Funny story this boy “C” dated the girl I had kissed in the sleepovers “S” and so I told him about how we kissed the same girl and he was so horny over it ahhh!)

Bring us to one month ago and (6months after that last cheat with “D”) and I go to another party in the small town now. I’m fucking plastered but I somehow scavenge out the lesbian from the pack of girls who is “M” 😍. We start talking and I guess I’m totally attracted to her. I think I kissed her without her wanting it at first. I kissed her a lot that night. Everyone saw too. We walked home with everyone and I held her hand the whole way. We added eachother on snap.

I told my boyfriend long ago that I’m bisexual and he told me I’m not. I tell him again and he says we could have a three sum. After kissing “M” I got weird cause he considers it cheating and I felt horrible for doing it again. I told him and my boyfriend said “I’m sorry but Im not into that. I know some guys are but I’m not” I told him my fantasy of having us be in a three way relationships with a girl. He could have two girls to fuck and I could have the best of Both worlds. He could get us both pregnant and our kids would be siblings. He was not intrigued by this idea at all.

“M” and I want to hang out but now I feel like I can’t hang out with her cause I know I won’t be able to control myself. She came into my work the other day for a dental appointment. She walks in wearing all black, her blonde hair shimmering in the light contrasting to the black. She has a big leather jacket and a helmet in hand, wearing big black boots. Her colourful tattoos showing on her arms making her look so tough but artistic. We get to chatting as I show her to her exam room. She forgot that I worked there and I commented on the fact that she rides a motorcycle. A Honda 500 (can’t remember the model) - I tell her I’ve always wanted to ride but my parents never let me. I’m leaning on the counter trying to look chill and cool. She said riding a bike is the gayest thing to do (I thought she meant like “gay insult” but she meant “gay homosexual”). I bet the whole office could hear the flirtation and I only hope that they think it’s just banter. She’s getting ready to leave now so I pretend to busy myself with paper work at the front so I can watch her leave. As she’s leaving I walk to the back and turn over my sholder, us making eye contact and waving to eachother. I watch her ride her motorcycle with one hand after saying she just started riding and is getting used to it. She looked like a dream.

I snap her the next day asking how the work day is since I of course work days and she works nights. She replys with something calling me cutie and sending heart eye emojis. We flirt a bit more and she says she wants to hangout soon since she’s leaving for college again. I leave for vacation so I tell her aug 25th and 26th I’m back and can hang out. She said she leaves the 27th but can chill the 26th. I ask her what she wants to do (idk if she knows I have a boyfriend but I have to tell her). She says “I don’t think we’ll be bored😉”

Now I’m day dreaming about her and I have a boyfriend. I don’t know what I should do but I now know that the term “once a cheater always a cheater” is true. I know my desires will win. But can you really blame a Gemini; we are so torn between being two people and leading two different lives that we are greedy and take as much as we can of everything.

I also have a crush on my boss, a smart, intelligent, artistic and wholesome girl dentist, who is also a Gemini and born a decade and two days before me. This life is a struggle.

—

I’ve been thinking lately of talking to a therapist. My life is fucked up. I’m so torn between where I am and where I want to be. I don’t even know where I want to be .. I thought right where I am was it but I’m not so sure. I want to leave this town and go back to the city and go to school but I’m living the life I wanted here. I just don’t want this settled down family life just yet. I’m dental assisting without having gone to school for it so I feel like I can’t be proud of what I do. I’m a dance instructor with someone I can’t even handle anymore because of their greed and want to have my own control over it. I’m torn between wanting to be in a relationship and wanting to be single. Between wanting to be with a boy and with a girl. I miss my family but I moved here to get away from that toxic household (not toxic when not living with the parents). I have not been officially diagnose but I know I have OCD and trichotilomania (a disorder causing you to involuntary pull out your body hair). I only pulled my eyelashes but when I tried to stop I just started picking my skin and now I have the worst acne and scaring. I need help. My house is either spotless or a complete disaster. also I’m in the closet for most of everything and I’m nervous to what my family and coworkers will think/feel. Everyone else idgaf but when you’re so close and personal and you come out it shocks people and then the women don’t want to get to close to you in fear that you’re attracted to them. And the parents would be ok with it but they’d just be shocked.

I’m gunna ask the girl to hang out tonight and we’ll probably make out. Hopefully we fuck.

#horrible person

[facelessdreamer]

Fuck I’m just really feeling things man

God I feel so upset, or is that I’m genuinely not in the mood. I’m unhappy this very moment. It’s been slightly over an hour I think. A lot of shuffling from place to place has happened within that duration. Something which is not a bad thing but unusual for me as I don’t leave my house at all unless it’s essential. Fgs I postponed my interview dates several times already because I didn’t wanna leave but always pictured the process of the interviews going down however. So that meant I was hopeful to go to them soon but it was always a just not now so let me make that not happen thing. Funny, today I’m gonna postpone another upcoming interview. I just can’t. I want to but I can’t. I’m never ready. Everything’s always rushed even when there’s time and there’s never time so mostly it’s always just rushed. I do it to me. I do it all to me, the lateness, the no sleep, all the other wrong things in me I do it. Knowingly, purposely with all the control that I have yet so uncontrollably I do it. Anyways fuck off, you see how I just drift off to some next shit when I’m trying to say the thing I came here to say? Yeah my mind just does that and I have to have it written before it flies out and it always flies out then I feel a bad feeling bc I let that happen. I’m all about trying to better myself and do all the things that I want so I’m not slightly upset or frustrated or sad or whatver the bad fuck I am when something doesn’t go right. And I only talk about the little personal things that build me up as a person really. Not common human habits or factors. Just them personal me things that don’t go right. And look I did it the fuck again. Off track and onto some other invalid valid point ...smh. Anyways yeah I came here just to get it out about today. Nothing at all dramatic. But just me. I had an interview today I had to go to as my lie to postpone it favoured a solution I had to go with and so a reschedule wasn’t possible so I spent the whole of yesterday and last night till the sun rose coming closer to completing my portfolio pages. I didn’t even come close to finish. I am so disappointed in me for wasting my talent and potential like this. I have so much to do and show man. I spend all my time doing nothing. I am still the same old girl who is still doing shit she’s not supposed to last minute. Will I ever fucking change? I can’t even change that one vital thing about me. How am I gonna change in other major ways I want huh? Another thing, why the fuck can I always construct and bend sentences together perfectly in my head but the second I blurt it out I sound like a fucking amateur. Well to me anyway. You are your biggest critique after all. Soooo back to today, lemme get straight to the point now yeah it got deep on that Uber ride home. I was sleepy and hadn’t realised it till the journey was sadly ending. It was a sad factor and it was sunny but I was down so that made me feel less, the interview was not what I expected. So Let’s backtrack a little tho. I had good morning, I was doing my portfolio, gave up on time and cleaned up the shithole of a mess on the floor of my room and had a shower, got out in time to decide what to wear and my first outfit banged so good I’m planning on wearing it to all my interviews and next group outing. I’m still sitting here writing in it. Relating to this I was super sad bc all I wanted was an outfit picture, it was sunny and any place was a bomb background for this outfit bc it was central area. But no one exists that can take a picture of me in places. God send me someone like that. (God my eyes are doing that tired wanting to close thing) I haven’t had an all-nighter in ages. These days I eventually fall asleep at 8 or 9 am or whatver but I still sleep. All-nighters have me all good and energised in the peak of mornings still. Till afternoon when things quieten down and humans settle in the day or if it comes to to mid point of whatever it kicks in. And so on the way home it kicked in.

It was about ten past four bc that’s when my Uber finally arrived. Fucking cunt had to cancel the first one bc he literally was lost and he was always getting the fuck further and further away from destination point. I was lost too with heavy big ass portfolio folders I carried side from side having to walk in all kinds of directions till I found the place. Talk about being a tourist in your own city. Man was i lost. Anyhoo the guy was dodging my calls too, he was in the fucking car so how could pretend to not hear it call. Ring ring birch it’s ya customer answer the fucking phone. I was just getting vexed now bc I called three times and it took 25 seconds for it to dial wtf and with no answer ever. I was just finally standing there at location waiting for this bastard till finally i cancelled and got another Uber. He came like 15 after I confirmed but at least I was notified and I’d know this is how it is. Don’t just fuck up akd have me waiting tf I don’t have time to waste motherfuxker. Even though it was lovely out, young people and couples walking by and around. It was a nice place to be in and chill and just bloody be. A place I’d never seen and just taking in the nice light and parts of what my eyes saw all around me. It was lovely. But I was too annoyed to indulge. I chilled and texted my girl for a short bit and whatver I said last and I got no response and that was one thing I was thinking about on the drive home too. It was weighing me down with all the other things I was feelings. Especially the interview not going amazing. It was adequate af and not that I had expectations I just wasn’t overall pleased with it. Everyone else in the group had better answers than me and a lot more to say compared to the lot of bullshit that came out of me. The course was for them. I realised in that room sitting in the group interview how much this course wasn’t for me. These people knew what to say and what to talk about. I said all the wrongs things and talked differently to them all about the same subject and my words weren’t fitting in as well as the rest of the group. People were pleasant and it was all good with human connection. That was all good. It was just the questions that I couldn’t answer bc this wasn’t a particular interest like it was to them all. But it is my second choice if I don’t get into the top notch uni that I want to get into. I’d be happy to do this course nonetheless but I’m so many ways I doubt it. I can’t specifically say what exactly put me in a bad mood.,,... on wait I remember. It was just the way the other girls and that gay drag dude were all talking. They were saying all the things I think and say but like said before when I open my mouth the words in my head don’t come out. Some version that’s not as high as it should be comes out and they were all smart talkers to me and I just want to talk better like they can and it just bothers me that I can’t say all that I want to. This is because I literally forget anything I ever wanted to say and say basic shit summed up. I can only do anything I’m writing tbh.

I’ll come back to finish this. I been here too long. It’s gotten darker and slightly cold now

[dreaming-blue-forever]

Brendan Brady and Ste Hay

Can we just, for one second, talk about Ste Hay and Brendan Brady? I miss tf out of them and their storyline. Like, wtf Hollyoaks, why can't any gay couple ever get a happy ending in any soap opera??? I mean, I get that it's a soap, but fuck. I am so pissed about that, I want them back, all their crazy fucked up shit. BUT THAT'S WHY WE LOVED IT!!! *sobs uncontrollably* I want to have a comeback with Brendan Brady coming back to the village and coming to get Ste back, and then they finally have their mf sunset ending like John Paul and Craig got before Hollyoaks fucked them too. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! BRING BACK BRENDAN BRADY!!!!!!!!!!

[sleepymarmot]

MEA liveblog #7

Spoilers!

Multiplayer

This interface is a mess. I move my mouse onto "exit lobby" and it turns into "kick player". Buttons just jump around and transform all the time.

And the APEX mission shit needs to be fixed. When you select a mission to play, don't direct me to lobbies who play the same enemy/map/difficulty but not as the mission! Join lobby, see "custom", exit lobby, select "custom game", re-select mission, join, end up in the same lobby, rinse, repeat...

At least I can end up second when I join on wave 5 as a human vanguard lol

F Human Vanguard card!

Tempest

Non-custom weapons of different rank shouldn't exist as separate items in the inventory! Unlocking a higher rank should upgrade the old item like in ME3! This stupid inventory system exists solely because of crafting! If you need inventory limits so much, let them apply only to the crafted items! I've already complained about rewards being lost with no warning if the inventory is full and it's still bullshit! 

I crafted the N7 chestpiece! 25% shield on kill (of course), 5% damage resistance, 2% shield restoration, 2% health&shield regen speed, 2% max shield. I called it "N7 Slayer X". And turns out, it was dad's armor...

Oh right, it needs a new color scheme!

Havarl

I like this ex-STG, he's talking properly.

I don't like the sound effect from Annihilation -- it's like water in my ears!

Hey Peebs, how do you immediately know where the next piece is as soon as we pick the current one?

Kadara

Here's the bar fight. Animation is not bad but has no energy.

Told the asari dancer that I'm done here and she needs to talk to the dude herself, but the quest still sends me back to him -_-

Tempest

So, Kesh was adopted?

Okay, Kalinda is 100% Marjolaine. Peebee's personal storyline is even more copy-pasted from Leliana than Drack's is copypasted from Wrex.

Aya

So many sidequests again!

The Moshae's words about the definition of victory! That's the smartest thing I've heard in this game in hours.

It's really weird to hear her talk so sweetly to me... When we first met she didn’t seem to like me.

When Vetra said people were staring at her, I couldn't resist suggesting they're just all in love...

I suggested taking people who sold their Aya slots onto the Nexus. That's not even charity -- the same ambassador gave me a task to convince angara to come there anyway! So this would kill two birds with one stone.

For the visitor who wanted contact with his family, I had to reload. The options didn't even seem too different... Got it right for the other two: gave an honest professional answer about health issues, and a confident casual answer about finding work.

Great, now I have to head back into the city to buy stuff... This is literally a fetch quest lol

Eos

Omg, the Architect is in orbit now!

The Roekaar fight in an old settlement was very chaotic and fun with Flamethrower/ED/Lance, though it'd probably be easier to just charge

Tempest

Aaaand Jaal gives me his loyalty mission. It's funny that I'm going to do my own love interest's mission last...

Jaal's LM

I continue to be unimpressed with the Roekaar being pure antagonists. :/

Didn't shoot the guy, told Jaal he was badass.

Why are loyalty missions so short?

BTW Ryder just looks wrong in N7 armor... She's not Shepard, that's not her allegiance or her story.

Tempest

Jaal, just as we're leaving Havarl you decided to invite me for a visit down there?

Turian ark

Avitus has very stylish armor

For fuck's sake, Bioware, why do you hate gay men so much?

I convinced Avitus to take the mantle. It was a very sentimental decision for Ryder -- because her situation is very similar. Her SAM and the connection he had with her father are unique, but she didn't think of that in that moment.

Nexus

"Better to find your wings as you fly" Easy for you to say, Sarissa, your predecessor wasn't a loved one

Tempest

I'd agree with Peebee about relationship and baggage, but of course I felt obligated to take the romantic option

(I don’t think there’s an option to agree with her, though, so it’s only for the best)

Voeld

Liam, Vetra, don't fight!

Whoops, sorry for leaving you to die in the purification field, Vetra

...I liked the old color scheme better. Green light looks more alien, but less pretty.

Nexus

Final memory -- here we go!

My theory was that the Archon was somehow Ellen, but that made so little sense I didn't even write it down :D This is simpler.

BTW there's finally Shepard's gender we had to select in the beginning -- in translated subtitles :D Didn't hear it even once in the audio -- could it be Bioware actually took their foreign audience into consideration? :O

Honestly, it's weird that the Reapers info is so secret... From the OT I got the impression that Shepard was yelling about it to everyone at every opportunity...

Fine, fine, you made me emotional with Liara's message.

Shit, I was expecting this decision...

I feel pretty sad now. That's all?

Peebee's LM

Oh, so that's why she lives in an escape pod :D I thought this was only a characterization thing, not a Chekhov's gun!

I said I wasn't mad, though I was a bit. But I mean Ryder *is* mad but also having the time of her life so...

Shit I just shot Kalinda instinctively lmao

Ok I replayed the entire sequence and Idk. This is really the hardest choice in the game...

I'm tempted to say "Yes, literally" :D

Since it's so hard to reaload, it's fair game to watch videos before deciding for myself. Okay, "Yes, literally" is way too harsh.

Alright, this Ryder is not going to make Peebee sad, but I've already planned a Renegade-ish playthrough with a Ryder who values knowledge over everything, so... :D

(Btw, I love that MEA's brand of a more ruthless protagonist is not "uncontrollable brute" but "intellectual snob". As tedious as this game is, I'm already super eager to play character who has those values & takes urgency of tasks seriously.)

This mission is enjoyable and the choice feels maybe the most meaningful... But it has all the classic Mass Effect problems. Kalinda sends a shitload of people to murder us, we murder them, but when she's helpless and we have a finger on the trigger all of that suddenly doesn't matter. Sidonis all over again. Sure, murdering people begging for help is bad in a lot of ways, but she did just try to kill us, a lot of times... Plus, why the fuck can't Ryder jump over and catch the Remnant thing?! That needed to be a second, Paragon interrupt after the Renegade "shoot her." And Ryder is a goddamn biotic, as is Peebee, as is Kalinda! Peebee, Pull is your first goddamn skill! It'd actually be completely plausible if the artifact had shields and/or armor and therefore immune to Pull or Singularity -- but not giving the characters even an idea to try is just stupid!

Tempest

Inviting Peebee to live with together made me revisit my room and inspired me to make some changes. You know what, I'm going to play music in my quarters and change into the short-sleeved pajamas. It's my own ship, why do I walk around it in street clothes? The jacket is stylish but too much to wear at home. I wish we had a "formal" outift for Nexus/Aya/other hubs in addition to the "casual" clothes we wear on the ship.

Shit I went to read someone's post about Peebee's LM and caught a spoilers about the romance post-LM

Addison is right, getting pregnant in that situation was irresponsible

Ah the continuity in this game. "Found more outposts"? I have every possible outpost and all planets at 100%!

"On hold: Place an outpost" bitch where

Voeld

What, there's still a cold hazard?! What was the point of the vault, then?!

Whoa, so the angara believe exaltation not just kills their people but destroys their immortal souls? Wow! That should have been said by a major character during the main story, not by an easily missed NPC!

Oh great, I died and the game refuses to load the last autosave

Dear game. Why did you create four autosaves for the same second. All glitched. Half hour of gameplay lost... God please let the last manual save work. I was sure I saved in between, but just now my PC decided that we still have daylight savings clock change when we do not, and the timestamps on all recent saves are messed up. This especially sucks because I'm trying to rush Peebee's romance because I don't know when the sex scene comes up but I want to make sure it's not when my mom is home while I play it on her PC lol

Tempest

Fuck, that was cute! And Peebee did tackle Ryder, as promised! :D I wonder what she says through Zap in the platonic version...

Addison please don't say the baby screams "like a banshee". I fucking jumped.

"Before you say anything: no PDAs" :D

Level 50! Time to craft myself a powerful new Dhan. I've been running with rank three all this time...

I love that whenever you ask about Kalinda and then return to the general dialogue tree you say "Let's talk about something else" and Peebee responds "YES. Please."

Voeld

Alright, so: the kett leaders are dissatisfied with the Archon because he hasn't reported to them recently, the communication with the kett homeworld(?) might be disrupted in general and the Scourge might be to blame.

Tempest

Damn, SAM has a pretty insightful speech about death! The only thing that can't be rationalized after experiencing it, which is why it fascinates. I actually haven't heard it explained this way before.

My movie night quest hasn't progressed since I brought Jaal his device...

Eos

Ryder watching and playing football with two giant guns floating near her hips... omg

Elaaden/Kadara

What? I'm completely confused by all these identical salarians.

I don't understand this choice. He promises to give us the intel if we let him go... what proof do we have besides his word? And how would arresting him stop us from getting intel from his computer etc?

Reloaded to see both options, chose to arrest him

Havarl

I'm not hugging Jaal's mother wtf

Ryder has surprisingly good facial animation when Jaal shows his mementos

In theory Ryder should like Jaal for being such a nerd but the only thing he makes me feel is mild irritation. His interest in "taking things apart" is an informed quality just like his supposed emotional openness. It's not reflected in his dialogue or storyline at all.

And now I'm finished with all quests in the ally category. I wanted to finish the game asap, but now that we know the patch is coming on Thursday, I'll wait for it.

Multiplayer

Extracted from Silver for the first time as Human Vanguard (level 8, rank IV)! It was against Remnant, so Observers and Destroyers were the only problem. Nullifiers are ridiculously easy for a melee character -- like Ravagers, but without acid.

Got Krogan Vanguard from a pack. Will I have to tolerate the Rage overlay?

The first game with Kroguard was going well, he's got a stong melee even though he's slow... and then wave 6/upload/Kett killed us all :(

Completely unrelated to anything, but I just realized that if you pick the romantic option in the escape pod with Peebee, they don't actually have sex. Call me stupid because that's what Peebee's initial condition is, but I thought Ryder's response changed her mind! When Ryder said "Let's not rush things" I interpreted and meant it in the emotional sense, as "It'd be dishonest to hide that I have a crush on you, but you don't owe me anything, and if you don't ready for a Serious Relationship and Grand Romance yet that's fine because I'm not either, so let's just hook up and leave reflection for later" -- which I thought was pretty sweet and interesting? Because this whole relationship to me was built on the fascinating contrast between Peebee's emotional reservations and casual/flirty attitude, and conversely, on Ryder very consciously respecting Peebee's emotional space. Maybe I just fundamentally don't understand sex and romance lmao. But if character A propositions character B, character B says they have feelings for character A, and the scene promptly fades to black, I assume they do the do because that's how these things are filmed? Only in comparison with the other option, which is actually pretty explicit, it became obvious to me that's not what the director meant. I'm pretty disappointed because I thought it was a good subversion of Jack's "either sex or romance" thing in ME2. And it messes with my headcanon/characterization... I guess I'll have to retcon it into one of the two options. I'll probably go with casual, not romantic in that case. But I just read that Peebee will tell you she's glad you said no, so... :/

Multiplayer

Failed a Silver APEX mission agains the Remnant as a human vanguard :(

Got an asari sentinel!

The patch is here, but I can't launch the game now :( This needs some work.

Ugh, I stop playing for two days and have no motivation to pick the game up again...

[sunsetsover]

Just on this general mental health discussion, sometimes I think back to that scene in the hospital where Ben tries to kill Phil and like has a full breakdown in front of Jay and I think... wtf. Like wtf how did ee do that and then just. Not even whisper the words mental health around it. It blows my mind that that scene exists and ppl still wanna act like Ben is just being Ben aka bad person when it's so obvious wtf!!!! That scene lives in my mind rent free like I'm actually paying rent to that scene. Same for Whitney having hallucinations in prison like good god!!! Not a whisper of mental health spoken by team ee after these incidents!!!!!

LMAO u right that whole series of scenes had bpd written all fuckin over it if u ask me. u look at the dsm diagnostic criteria and that bitch nearly got a fuckin full house. ben's breakdown, the 'do you think he'd love me more if i'd been around as a kid', the 'i had to break up w my ex bc i would have ruined him', pinballing between emotions, trying to kill phil to then be like 'why doesn't he love me', clearly splitting on both his dad and jay. the intense uncontrollable anger? the identity disturbance? the rapid cycling emotions? bro...... that scene and the scene where phil confronts him abt setting keanu up for bonking him w that hammer EPITOMISE bpd ben to me. they're the two scenes where i think his symptoms are so obvious that even ppl w basic knowledge of bpd could watch them and see it. like honestly i'd love to have someone read the diagnostic criteria for bpd and watch those scenes back to back and see what they say bc i bet their reaction would be '....oh.' lmao

but honestly i guess the most interesting thing to me is like.... men ARE underdiagnosed when it comes to mental illness. there are a lot of reasons for this, but they are. bpd especially is MASSIVELY underdiagnosed in men bc even doctors tend to be like 'oh it's just anger issues' or 'oh it's narcisstic personality disorder'. so like in a sad way it's kinda realistic or even expected that yeah ben has Issues but we're not gonna talk about it or confront them bc he's a Man. esp a man who's been brought up the way he has.

and saying this has made me wonder if maybe that's partly why callum is so reluctant to tell ben? bc he thinks ben will think he's weak? and not just in the normal way we think ppl will think we're weak for expressing our struggles, but compounded by the fact that ben is a mitchell. that being gay is one thing but being mentally ill is another kind of thing. or it could even be that he's projecting his own feeling of weakness onto ben bc of his OWN upbringing. like look at jonno and stuart... look at the way jonno talked to callum... man i've just made myself sad :-(

anyway tldr ben clearly has bpd as far as i'm concerned but at the same time it's not surprising to me in the slightest that it's not diagnosed or even addressed. frustrating? yes but not surprising. (whitney too, but from what i know she's been pretty stable up until the past 2 or so years. but that girl should have had help as a teenager, as soon it was found out what was happening to her. like ben i get bc he was being raised by phil so ofc he wasn't getting the help he needed, but whit ?? im surprised)

💞💞💞

[princeleyjeans]

Call it ‘Privilege’, call it having parents who really didn’t care because their own fams were so fucked mentally that anything LGBT wasn’t really note-worthy to their 50s style mindsets, but it’s only this that’s made me recognise how and why so many people are afraid to come out. Like my parents, didn’t care if you were gay, straight, pan, furry, whatever. my mum wanted a gay son so my brother would never replace her with another woman, and my dad was like “You do you, don’t bother me and you can be a horse with 8 dicks” I know that’s rare for thousands of people so I was always lucky, even my sister doesn’t give a fuck, she’s open to anything as long as I have a good spot to hide the body (Joking, Feds watching the internet, joking) But now, even tho, again, my sister doesn’t care and since our parents have passed, I’ve sort of found something I don’t want to come out about like this has given that feeling a definition for me, it’s been explained in a different, more understandable way. Like I know it’s sort of rare for you to get thrown out of the house for having a mental disorder, but what I mean is that I know that feeling of stigma, fear, hopelessness over something you were born with (No, I’m not saying being gay/lgbt is a mental disorder, do not jump on that and come for me because as you can see above, I’m explaining it’s just a different way for my fucked up, wrong wired brain to compare! I don’t believe at all that LGBT is a mental disorder so keep your trigger fingers off the damn keyboard for a minute, not long tho cus imma post more trikey later, come for me over that). You can’t control any of it and yet it already has a stigma for whatever reason, you didn’t ask for this, you didn’t do anything or hurt anybody, so why are they up in arms over something uncontrollable? I’m just using LGBT as a comparison to explain my feelings of reluctance to come out as autistic IRL, because it has a stigma, i’ve grown up in a family (not my parents but aunts, grandparents, uncles, cousins, step whatevers) where anyone different is crazy, scary, bad, a pervert, a this or a that and it turns out, they just have autism or BPD or ADHD and they’re completely fine or untreated and the shit they believe is just bullshit from so and so next door or down the road, but my fam believe all the crap to such a degree, they believe gay dudes change the weather (My grandparents legit thought gay people changed the weather....no, if they did, it would hot af and everyone would have a fucking tan, Brad says that often enough XD). Being LGBT was never something I’ve been scared to be, even coming out as trans, I knew people would come for me, attack me, probably try to kill me, but my personal support system, parents, sister, nephew (basically bro cus we grew up together), have always loved me so thats never had reason to make me afraid, even the stigma, it didn’t matter because we’re just people, there’s never been a “Look at that terrifying gay person! BRINGING FLOWERS TO THEIR SAME SEX PARTNER! LOOK HOW AWFUL! BE AFRAID”, also common sense, cus, wtf, why would you shit yourself over two same-sex people being cute? But with all the stigma in the news, families, the medical system itself, the whole snowflake generation getting involved and self-diagnosing just to act like little shits and make excuses and negatively rep sufferers of mental disorders, it makes me afraid! I don’t want someone to see my medical bracelet (I’m getting one in case of emergencies cus you never fucking know) and feel like I’m a walking disaster. I’m incapable of being treated like a neurotypical person because my brain is wired differently or I act younger than I am because of such. I don’t want to approach that stigma and be treated like not a person or be treated like there’s something wrong with me. Okay, gonna end it here and just, go play something. pls, save your snarky comments for the next idiot who thinks tumblr can be a place of safety and support cus I am not in the headspace to not tell any self-righteous shites to go take a running jump off a tall cliff. Love ya’ll, don’t be cock-heads.

[2centsofsilver]

41817 Stream of Stress Writing

I’ve had Cyndi Lauper’s “True Colors” stuck in my head all day. I like the Toyota RAV a lot and could get used to it as my own. Very relaxing. I also feel me; hidden; no one knows it’s me because they know my usual car. I just feel comfortable. I made an April2017 CD I really like. I am FUCKING STRESSED and need HELP. I don’t actually plead because I have people helping me. I see her a whopping 3x/week. I’m doing better than I ever have in my life. At my worst, for the last 10 years, I’ve only seen therapists once a week.

I’m in contact with potential house mates and very stressed about it but excited. I’m also in trying to figure out my job situation in A2 mixed with fieldwork (hours) and how to make myself a lifestyle in AA. No one in their right mind, given the circumstances, should fucking be working at BGC. I made a promise to myself I would stay there for those kids. But I just can’t do this. No one can. 3 people have been fired and the rest of us have secretly been communicating with each other behind admin’s backs regarding status of our interviews at other jobs…….

Lately I’ve been sorta worrying about how I actually come off to other people. As a victim of anxiety, I’ve spent my entire life irrationally and uncontrollably worrying about this hour by hour, day by day. But lately, it’s been more legit. Like… “Actually Katie, you DO come across to people a certain way. It’s true for everyone” such as, since I’ve been on the “dating market” as well as via observations at work. It’s very fucking scary and I hate it. With NR people randomly telling me it appears as if I enjoy being busy, I’m just like… wtf other types of lies do I inadvertently project?

It also really really bothers me that my dad thinks I “don’t get along with other people, especially the people I work with.” This has never been the case. How would he know…..? I made sure to clarify that his only reference is how I act with him and my immediate family…. which is that I don’t get along with them. The fact that he assumes I don’t get along with co-workers is scary because of how well I do get along with everyone else in my life. I’m a) timid and sweet and incredibly open-minded and accepting; easy to talk to and approach, and very kind and professional and creative and positive. And also b) in EXTREMELY driven and hard-working and passionate and dedicated. It’s not arrogance to be confident in that I do ace 99% of interviews and get into every school I ever apply to. He KNOWS that I’m good at things. That I go above and beyond. He knows how much work I put into everything.

What this doesn’t equate to in his eyes is tha grey-scale thing known as “effort.” He sees the way I act during our fights as “irresponsible, naive, immature, conceited, defensive, defective, and selfish.” But in our most recent fight over the weekend, he said that I “lack a sense of urgency in important matters” such as educating myself on loans and finding full-time work.

This REALLY upset me. And it’s a very common occurrence for years now that I imagine what it’ll be like when he’s gone in heaven and I’m all alone still trying to get by in life. I think about him looking down on me and finally getting it. Finally seeing what my life is like, how hard I try to live it, how emotionally miserable I am on a constant basis, how fucking sad and depressed I am literally all the time, and how urgent I am, always, in meeting expectations and doing the right thing.

I hate that things have gotten so irreparably awful in that I actually don’t feel like he’ll get it till he’s in so called heaven looking down.

Another thing I constantly envision for years has been my dad on his death bed either still mad at me, saying “if only you…” this and that, or feeling so deeply sad that I was so mean to him during our fights or that I was never the daughter he wanted me to be.

(Side note: I’m sorry I’m gay dad). Fucking crying right now out of no where.

I picture him either finally telling me he’s sorry or telling me he’s proud of me or telling me he loves me or telling me to keep being the best in life, keep trying my best.

I can’t work at BGC anymore. My stress level is breaking at the seams and challenging everything. I’m bawling.

I recently asked my therapist if it’s normal to sob several times a day. She said no. I can’t imagine my life without that though. Wtf even is “happy?” I am absolutely miserable. And absolutely grateful simultaneously to the moon and back.

I suffer alone. I reach out a lot to friends and resources, but they’re there for me. It’s never a question. They never get mad at me or annoyed by me. They offer themselves to me and constantly support and encourage and believe in me. But I’m always alone. Like, I’m SO alone.

“Be the change you wish to see in the relationship,” my therapist says, regarding the dynamics of me and my parents.

I met an old “co-worker” who also said something similar: “Only you can change how she makes you feel.”

New topic: it’s weird to be left by an emotional abuser. We both fear/ed abandonment, yet, we left each other which was the best thing that ever happened to me. But the urge to still reach out is hard.

I’m so scared about everything coming my way. But I’m about to put my notice in at work.

2 nights ago it occurred to me that I’ll no longer have privacy with my roommates with how often I cry. Like when I lock myself in my room and need to be by myself to cry hysterically for a couple hours, what the hell am I supposed to do when I’m finally ready to come out? No one’s ever seen me like that. And it’s not something that will magically go away even if I wanted it to.

It’s 1:30am and all this writing would usually make me feel cleared out, except I still feel equally stressed and scared, if not more. My stomach is in knots, I’m nauseous, and about to eat a donut.

Random segments of recent conversations.

To Lisa: “Do you have any ideas for what I can tell the kids when they directly ask me "why I’m so fat” or “is that your stomach???” On a regular basis?“

Message on IG from Gamma Piercing in A2: "Hi! Sorry we just saw this message, it got a little lost in the "requests” folder :) Welcome to Ann Arbor! (A bit preemptively) we look forward to meeting you! We don’t know exactly what our needs will be as far as counter staff in the fall. Currently our team just the two of us (Jef and Laura) but we may be looking to hire desk staff at some point! You are welcome to drop off a resume anytime if you’re interested :) Hope you have a great summer, and we look forward to getting to know you!“

Also. Why am I so..... slow........ in finally getting things at jobs? Why does it take me several months at basic things and still not getting them down at all? And never getting them? Why am I like that when I'm so..... in tune. I have so much going on in my head at all times and I'm frequently having secret silent anxiety attacks. Maybe that's why. I do understand things but my performance lacks application. My "ex" told me something super bitchy along the lines of, "maybe that's why people say you don't have any street smarts," based off her observation of me and how I appear: like a stupid idiot.

Goodnight I guess. Idk how to wrap up still feeling disheveled and not ok at all.