#why cant i get the mania that makes me clean my house and not the kind that just ends up counteracting my chronic fatigue

[meow-minola]

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[bipolardotcom]

HOW TO DESCRIBE MY HYPOMANIA/MANIA

Hypomania feels like youre on some kind of drug.  Like an endless amount of cocaine with no come down.

You’re constantly thinking of things you need to do to occupy your time since you can’t sleep.  Clean my room?  Scrub the bath tub with a tooth brush because it will take longer.  It’s not like you’re going to sleep anytime soon.  Wow I haven’t slept in four days?  I didnt notice.  

Am I even me anymore?  I can’t remember anything.  What did I eat today? Oh my god wait I think yesterday I had toast??? Not to sure. Get back to me on that one.

Oh my God my thoughts won’t stop racing.  I can’t stop moving.  Should I buy a plane ticket to New York with no where to stay and no way of getting back home?  I’m using all my money on this plane ticket but it sounds like a reasonable idea.  I’m going to do it.

WHY CAN”T I SLEEP IM FREAKING OUT

WHO NEEDS SLEEP WHEN YOU”RE INVINCIBLE!!!!!! LETS RUIN ALL OUR FRIENDSHIPS AND RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE PEOPLE WE CARE ABOUT BECAUSE IF THEY WERE REALLY MY FRIEND THEY WOULD LET ME SAY A BUNCH OF MEAN THINGS ABOUT THEM. THEY WONT BE MAD.

And then hypomania turns into mania….

4:30 am already? i should paint! wait lets reclean the bathroom tub and then after you can cut yourself and not remember any of it because you blacked out and instead of being concerned why youre bleeding in the bathroom with deep cuts in your skin you laugh because you couldn’t have possibly done this to yourself and even if I did I’m invinsible.  I could totally jump off a skyscraper right now and be fine.  Want to see me do it? Do you dare me?

You don’t think I should do it? IM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW! DO YOU WANT TO SEE ME BREAKE THIS PLATE AND THEN SHAVE THE SIDE OF MY HEAD WITHOUT BLINKING TWICE ABOUT IT? No thats stupid. I would never do that. Someone is inside my head.  Someone is putting thoughts that aren’t mine in my head. Someone help me. HAHAHAHA HELP? WHO NEEDS HELP? IM FINE!!!!!!!!!! No seriously im fine…..

HAHAHA WHAT IS GOING ON? WHY AM I IN THE MENS BATHROOM HAVING SEX WITH A GUY IVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE?

Oh I know why I havent eaten in so long.  I cant eat because someone is out to get me.  They’re trying to poison my food and kill me. I have to find out who this person is. Its probably one of my friends.

IM SOOOOOOOO HAPPPY. OH WAIT IM SOOOOO SCARED WTF IS GOING ON?!?!!??! WHO AM I? WHERE AM I? AM I OKAY? WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

did you say something or am i hearing voices again? wait i think that was the tv… oh never mind the tv is off.  SOMEONE IS IN MY HOUSE. I NEED TO DRIVE FAR AWAY FROM THIS PLACE. IM GOING TO GO TO MY EX BOYFRIENDS HOUSE AND MAKE SURE IT WASNT HIM……. wait why am i at my ex boyfriends house? how did i get here? did i drive? i’m totally wasted. who let me drive? probably my friends.  I should get new ones.

My friends let me drive drunk because they secretly want me dead.  Maybe I should just save them the trouble and kill myself.

ITS BEEN AN ENTIRE WEEK AND I HAVENT SLEPT! I AM NOT HUMAN!!!! LET ME TRY AND KILL MYSELF AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. PROBABLY NOTHING BECAUSE I AM NOT HUMAN!!!!!

[mousemeatmoe]

Mentall illness is dumb

So being mentally ill causes a lot of problems. Like I don't message people back right away or sometimes not at all. I was in a mentally abusive relationship for 10 months until a year ago. Im now with someone that i truly love and want to be with but i cant give him my all because of the trauma. I already had trauma that i never dealt with from my childhood. Ive been mentally ill my whole life and now that I'm an adult i only feel like a burden. I hide in my house for days only talking my mother and roommate simply because i live with them. I talk to my boyfriend daily but i feel like im dragging him down. Its hard for him to understand and i can see the pain it brings him even though he is trying. But there is so much to it all. Ive been diagnosed with bipolar and a severe case of ADHD since the age of six then anxiety/panic disorder and depression since age 11. I was so bad that they tried multiple experimental therapies and medications on me because i was a prime candidate. After all this you would think that at 21 years i could finally function. After 15+ years of therapy and medications i would be able to clean a bathroom without having a panic attack. I still should see a therapist, but there is no way i can afford it rn. Im just a burden but people still say they love me. I love them dearly, literally more than my own life. But I really cant fathom why they love me. Im not sure they do sometimes. I'll be MIA for over a week and no one contacts me or reaches out. I know its selfish but i just want someone to care enough to check if im alive. I did attempt to kill myself a month and a half ago. I should have done it. I cant get myself to go back to work. I cant stand the mood swings, the mania, the crash into rock bottom depression, the clenching ache in my chest and feeling miserable all the time. I dont want anyone else to feel that. I guess its why i hide. Im just a coward. I really should just nobody needs to be miserable with me. Its often all i talk about. I dont have a whole lot in common with other people (especially ones my age) i dont watch tv or know anything going on in the celebrity world. I havent been keeping up with the news because i have me focused on staying alive. I cant make nor hold conversations with anybody. It hurts and im so tired, i honestly dont know why im still trying. Im just so, so exhausted...

[perfectlittlepunchingbag]

A penny for my thoughts.

Almost a week ago today, I got diagnosed with severe bipolar disorder. Now, I never even have had a CLUE, or even an inkling that I was bipolar until about 2 months ago. Before then, I remember my dad laughing while telling my mom she was so bipolar, laughing about how crazy she was. The typical fuck boy attitude when he does something wrong an she resisted type of thing.  I remember my friend telling me she was bipolar, and about all of her mania and how she was. I thought - well that kinda sounds like me but I don’t have highs like that. I’m not that motivated even on my “highs”. The only time I seen bipolar - like REAL bipolar someone was switching back and forth between moods. Being totally unpredictable. Nobody tell you, that the switch between depression and mania can be hours, days, months or even years.  My life has literally changed since that day. 

All of my life, I really REALLY need attention. I would make up quite a bit of lies to get there. I KNEW that it was wrong. Nothing could stop me though, and I never knew why. Now I do. My anxiety never presented in a rock back in forth, psychically needing someone to hold me etc. My anxiety presented in INTENSE anger. I wouldn’t always blow up, sometime I did. Most of the time my mind, body and insides would blow up. Setting my insides on fire.  There would be week where I would maybe get out of bed 1 time a day. Maybe 2. I was just sure I was a bad horrible mom, I spent most of the days crying while I figured out why I was so damn MOTIVATED to want to clean my house but just could not get out of bed for the life of me.  I know now, how forgetting things is a symptom of bipolar disorder. People would make me feel like shit when I would forget things. As simple as little things really. Making doctor appointments, forgetting debit cards, some random bills. I tried so hard to remember, but as hard as I tried I couldn’t do it.  Sexual promiscuity was a HUGE one for me. So huge that I cant even get into how much it makes sense. All of these things, make so much sense now. I could cry. All of my life, now makes sense. I could never figure it out before. Everyone seen me falling, nobody offered to help. Nobody reached out. Nobody said HEY YOU ARENT DOING GOOD. Except my perfect husband who finally pushed me to get help around a year ago for my depression.  Did you know that Borderline Personality Disorder has one of the highest suicide rates of all mental illnesses? This word, has left a bad taste in my mouth. Maybe it’s from my dad laughing while jokingly calling my mother it. Maybe its because people throw the word around left and right when someone shows emotion. It seems like such a dirty word. That needs to change, The stigma needs to end.