#why did i do that?

[tatennant]

"I have lost things you will never understand."

[nightbirdz]

you ever just get hit by the fact that the way you talk is not normal and it's because you've carefully constructed a small community of like minded people online that you can vibe with in gremlin speak but when you're talking to people in real life you have to backtrack and remember what's socially acceptable? yeah.

anyways here's to the time I tried making friends and I called Darth Vader a 'malewife' irl

[onboardsorasora]

You ever daydreamed and in the dream you do something clumsy or embarrassing? And it's like wow even in a fictional world of my own making the real me still finds a way.

[snailygoon]

What kind of idiot would do a handstand against a door that they are already aware is broken, just to end up falling into their closet and injuring their shoulder??? Couldn’t be me

[system-reset]

wait. did I... did I put the doritos in the freezer..?

[jutajutek]

Just putting my talking goober here for everybody to see (if you haven't seen it on my streams) (LOOK AT THE EAR WOBBLE WHEN TALK!!!!!)

[youchangedmedestiel]

Dean needs Cas and wants him to stay

Maybe someone has already done that, probably, but I needed to do it, because I started to think about how Dean doesn’t want Cas to leave starting from season 8 because one, there is no bunker, no real home before this season, except maybe at Bobby’s. Two, in season 4 and 5 Dean and Cas are not that close, their bond is only being developed slowly in season 5 since Cas is not being brainwashed anymore and most of the time he is searching for God. Three, in season 6 Cas works behind Dean’s back to fight Heaven’s war and Dean isn’t happy about it because Cas doesn’t tell them much about what his plan is, and they spent a year apart before that. Four, in season 7 Cas is supposedly dead, then Emmanuel and then not himself and Dean is still mad at him for the betrayal. Meg keeps them posted on Cas’s evolution anyway.

Finally, in season 8, Purgatory happened, their first hug happened and Dean did say he needed Cas. I mean DUH. So let’s see how much he needs him and wants him to stay. Let's hurt together.

Season 8: Cas crushing Dean’s heart repeatedly by leaving

Dean feels guilty for failing Cas and not being able to get him out, he alters the reality of his memory, not being able to accept the fact Cas gave up and left him, especially after he said he need him. But when Cas comes back from Purgatory, he leaves Dean multiple times. First, after killing Samandriel, Dean tells him to wait before he vanishes and even says his name once he is gone (8x10). Sam and Dean actually finds the bunker only in episode 8x13. Later, Cas lies about searching the other half of the demon tablet and Dean says “Without us?” And then, Cas grabs the angel tablet leaving Dean alone and emotionally hurt in the crypt (8x17). Dean put his heart out and Cas just crushed it, so he has a hard time forgiving him for that, but despite being mad he hopes he will come back to him as Naomi highlights it wisely (8x19). When he comes back, Dean is really mad at him for not trusting him and leaving (8x22).

Season 9: Dean has to ask human!Cas to leave the bunker, their hearts are crushed

As soon as Dean knows angels are searching for Cas and that Cas is human he tells him to go in the bunker immediately. When they reunite, Dean’s reaction to Cas’s death is really something, the shaking voice as he says his name, realizing Cas is gone, and the soft “Yeah” as Cas calls him when he wakes up. This season Cas doesn’t leave Dean, Dean is the one asking him to go because he doesn’t have any other choice and it hurts Cas (9x03). But Dean is hurt too since he tells Sam "Hey, look, nobody wants him here more than I do, okay?" (9x04). Dean does go check on him as soon as Cas called him about a case (9x06). Dean has to send him away a second time because of Gadreel (9x09). He apologizes later to Cas for that, now that he is back to help him (9x10). Then, Dean starts to feel the effect of the Mark of Cain starting from episode 11, so he is not really himself, especially after killing Abaddon (9x21). He knows that Cas is away searching for a way to bring the angels back to Heaven and stop Metatron, Cas updates them. But when he doesn’t answer his phone and seems to be missing, Dean orders Sam to go find him while he takes care of Gadreel (9x18).

Season 10: Dean is affected by the Mark of Cain and Cas searches for a cure

Dean is really affected by the Mark of Cain, so not really himself. However, he tells Cas “I’m glad you’re here, man” after he helped Sam cure him (10x03). Then, Cas is away most of the time to help Claire (10x09, 10x10 and 10x20) and to find a cure to save Dean. They help him with Claire a little bit. Mostly, this season Cas works with Sam to find a way to remove the Mark of Cain.

Season 11: Dean wants to save Cas and Cas’s body

Dean wants to go find Cas after Cas called him when he was affected by the attack dog spell (11x01). Then, he doesn’t want to call Cas to disturb him in his binge-watching at the bunker, because he had a rough go (11x04 and 11x05). Sam tells Dean they might need help from Cas to find Amara and Dean knows it, but he doesn’t want to ask him that, saying he had a rough go lately. Sam highlights that they all did. Dean looks away, makes dimples of discontent, and finally agrees to call him, but he doesn’t really want to. He prefers Cas staying safe at the bunker (11x06). Dean is the one searching for Cas (actually Casifer) when they are back at the bunker after killing the banshee (11x12) and discovers that he is gone, telling Sam he was weird when he saw him earlier. When Dean discovers that Cas said yes to Lucifer, he doesn’t want to believe that he doesn’t want to be saved and wants to save him anyway (11x14 until 11x18). He even faces Amara, putting himself at risk, to allow Sam to go save Casifer (11x21). He worries about him again when Casifer is going to fight against Amara one on one (11x22).

Season 12: Dean tries to prevent Cas from being killed

Dean wants to go with Cas that found a lead on Lucifer but Cas refuses (12x03). Dean just wants to go home when Cas almost dies (12x12). Through this season, after searching for Lucifer, Cas is searching for Kelly Kline, updating them/Dean regularly on his findings (12x04, 12x13 and 12x15), that’s how Dean notices Cas sounding weird as he goes in Heaven. And when Cas doesn’t call Dean for days, he is worried and searches for him even before Sam suggests it (12x18). He finally comes back and Dean is mad because they were, well mostly HE WAS, worried. But then, Cas leaves him again, stealing the Colt from under his pillow. Later, once again, he runs away with Kelly. And another last time, he forces them to fall asleep and leaves (12x19). At last, Cas dies and Dean falls on his knees next to his dead body after screaming “nooo” to try to stop him to go after Lucifer in Apocalypse world (12x23). Dean’s worst fear has come true, he definitely loses Cas.

Season 13: Dean is grieving, then terrified to lose Cas again

Dean grieves Cas really hard for 5 episodes. When Cas comes back he is so happy again and he doesn’t want him to go alone again to find Jack and wants to go with him, but Cas stops him, as a last resort Dean tells Cas “don’t do anything stupid” (13x07). Cas ends up kidnapped by Asmodeus. The knight of Hell calls Sam to give update about Jack (13x08 and 13x09). Dean apologizes for not being able to notice Cas was kidnapped, saying they would have search for him if they knew (13x13). Cas wants to try to find help from angels but Dean isn’t happy about it, doesn’t agree at first and finally says “just don’t get dead again”, as a last resort again (13x19). Dean is just too scared to lose him again.

Season 14: Dean is having his family in the bunker all together

Most of the time Cas is gone with Jack to work a case, when he is not in the bunker with them, which is not a problem for Dean because this means Cas will come back with Jack at the bunker. Actually, he is almost always here, at least “for a few weeks”, because Dean tells Sam he saw Cas going out of the bunker early in the morning to stretch his legs and that he understands why he needs it (14x16).

Season 15: Dean is mad and finally asks Cas to stay in his own words

The first eight episodes Dean is mad at Cas, he is mad at everything actually. Even mad and after saying awful things, he asks Cas where he is going when Cas decides to leave (15x03). He doesn’t want him to break all contact when he says that Cas should check the messages Sam sent him (15x06). Dean comes back after hearing Cas’s messages saying that Sam was hurt. It’s the first time they see each other after Cas left the bunker. They stand in the war room and Cas leaves after saying Sam is ok and Dean is not happy about it. He probably wanted to talk but he couldn’t himself and Cas either (15x07). Dean is still mad at Cas for leaving as he says “Maybe if you didn't just up and leave us.” But finally, in his prayer to Cas, scared as hell to lose him again, he admits that he should have stopped him, that he forgives him “of course” and that he is sorry (15x09). When Cas leaves the bunker in the middle of the night to find another way to stop Chuck and save Jack, Dean asks him twice where he is going (15x15). And finally, Dean asks him one last time not to leave him, telling him “Don’t do this, Cas”, when Cas is sacrificing himself to summon the Empty and save Dean.

To summarize:

As soon as they had a real home, being the bunker, Dean wanted Cas to stay with them. He never told him clearly, probably thinking Cas doesn't want to stay, but he showed it so many times. Despite all his effort, he loses him countless times. The last time he loses him, Dean does say “Don’t do this, Cas” trying to stop him, he asked him to stay in his own words but Cas just left anyway, to save him. (Shit, I need to end this on a positive note). But Dean finally is able to reunite with him again in Heaven, where he can’t lose him anymore. (Alright, that’s better).

[harleymonster]

So my prev post was a reflection on how I put off doing things that I perceive as potentially stressful or may lead to social interaction that will make my stomach fold. I also hate need something from someone, I don't want to feel bothersome or burdensome, even if it's their job. Like I was at work and and was like so and so still hasn't booked me onto this course I've been asking for for literally months I don't think I can email them again for it because I've been emailing them once a month for 9 months about it. But it was their literal job! Anyway I messaged Tim I mentioned in the tags and he responded straight away saying no problem and here is a solution to what would have been your next issue. And it was that easy. Sometimes it's just that easy. A lot of the time it's just that easy.

[gay-kurapika]

For real I still have nightmares and traumatic flashbacks about my abuser and I think I really need help. Like I’ve been thinking for several days about things that happened and I cannot stop this thought process for hours. Like I can’t get it out of my head that on the night that ended up in this big explosive Thing she spent over three hours literally yelling at me about everything she hated about me and how she hoped I would die. Knowing full well that I was suicidal. That she threw a plate of food and a soda on the floor and I got on my hands and knees and cleaned it up while she yelled at me about how worthless I am and how she was a basically a saint for putting up with me. How when I called my friend later, in the privacy of my own room, and asked her to distract me, my abuser got mad at the fact that she could hear me laughing at a stupid joke my friend had told me to help me stop crying through my door and told me I was so selfish for being happy. It was a forced laugh because my friend was trying to help me, and I wanted to stop crying. It wasn’t about her at all. And I was so far gone in my abuse that I literally couldn’t even tell anyone that this kind of thing was my daily life with her. I would fucking defend her intentions.

[cinewhore]

Of course i made lunch plans with my three sworn enemies: my mother, my aunt and my grandmother.

I am sane.

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

[inkskinned]

i got rickrolled today but it didn't work because i have adblocker installed, so youtube just told me i violated the terms of service. yesterday i was trying to edit a picture as a joke for my girlfriend, and google made me check a box to prove i'm human because i wasn't "searching normally".

it isn't just that capitalism is killing fun and whimsy, it is that any element of entertainment or joy is being fed upon by this mosquito body, one that will suck you dry at any vulnerability.

do you want to meet new friends in your city? download this app, visit our website, sign up for our email list. pay for this class on making a terrarium, on candlemaking, on cooking. it will be 90 dollars a session. you can go to group fitness, but only under our specific gym membership. solve the puzzle, sign up for our puzzle-of-the-month-club. what is a club if not just a paid opportunity - you are all paying for the same thing, which makes you a community.

but you're like me, i know it - you're careful, you try the library meetings and the stuff at the local school and all of that. the problem is that you kind of want really specific opportunities that used to exist. you are so grateful for libraries and the publicly-funded things: they are, however, an exception - and everything they have, they've fought tooth-and-nail to protect. you read a headline about how in many other states, libraries have virtually nothing left.

do you want to meet up with your friends afterwards? gift your friends the discord app. you can choose to go to a cafe (buy a coffee, at least), a bar (money, alcohol) or you can all stay in and catch a movie (streaming) or you can all stay in bed (rent. don't get me started) and scream (noise complaint. ticket at least).

you want to read a new book, but the book has to have 124 buzzwords from tiktok readers that are, like, weirdly horny. you can purchase this audiobook on audible! your podcast isn't on spotify, it's on its own server, pay for a different site. fuck, at least you're supporting artists you like. the art museum just raised their ticket price. once, they had a temporary exhibit that acknowledged that ~85% of their permanent art galleries were from cis white men, and that they had thousands of works by women (even famous women, like frida! georgia o'keefe!) just rotting in their basement. that exhibit lasted for 3 months and then they put everything away again.

walmart proudly supports this strip of land by the street! here are some flowers with wilting leaves. its employees have to pay out-of-pocket for their uniforms. my friend once got fined by the city because she organized a community pick-up of the riverfront, which was technically private property.

no, you cannot afford to take that dance class, neither can i. by the way - i'm a teacher. i'm absolutely not saying "educators shouldn't be paid fairly." i'm saying that when i taught classes, renting a studio went from 20 bucks an hour to 180 in the span of 6 months. no significant changes to the studio were made, except they now list the place as updated and friendly. the heat still doesn't work in the building. i have literally never seen the landlord who ignores my emails. recently they've been renting it out at night as an "unusual nightclub; a once-in-a-lifetime close-knit party." they spent some of those 180 dollars on LEDs and called it renovating. the high heels they invite in have been ruining the marley.

do you want to experience the old internet? do you want to play flash games or get back the temporary joy of club penguin? you can, you just need to pay for it. i have a weird, neurodivergent obsession with occasionally checking in to watch the downfall and NFT-ification of neopets. if i'm honest with you all - i never got into webkins, my family didn't have the money to buy me a pointless elephant. people forget that "being poor" can mean literally "if i buy you that toy, i can't afford rent."

you and i don't have time to make good food, and we don't have the budget for it. we are not gonna be able to host dinner parties, we're not made of money, kid. do you want some kind of 3rd space? a space that isn't home or work or school? you could try being online, but - what places actually exist for you? tiktok counts as social media because you see other people on it, not because they actually talk to you.

there was a local winter tradition of sledding down the hill at my school. kids would use pizza boxes and jackets and whatever worked, howling and laughing. back in september, they made a big announcement that this time, rules were changing, and everyone must pay 10 dollars to participate. when im not scared shitless, i kind of appreciate the environmental irony - it hasn't gone below 40. so much for snow & joyriding.

i saw a bulletin for a local dogwalking group and, nervous about making a good first impression, showed up early. the first guy there grimaced at me. "sorry," he said. "there's a 30-dollar buy-in fee." i thought he was joking. wait. for what? the group doesn't offer anything except friendship and people with whom to walk around the city.

he didn't know the answer. just shrugged at me. "you know," he said. "these days, everything costs money."

[mlm-blues]

“lmao imagine liking men” OK!!! ON IT BOSS 🫡🫡🫡 it’s beautiful here

[moncuries]

guess what i watched on new years (a redraw kind of)

[hamletthedane]

I was meeting a client at a famous museum’s lounge for lunch (fancy, I know) and had an hour to kill afterwards so I joined the first random docent tour I could find. The woman who took us around was a great-grandmother from the Bronx “back when that was nothing to brag about” and she was doing a talk on alternative mediums within art.

What I thought that meant: telling us about unique sculpture materials and paint mixtures.

What that actually meant: an 84yo woman gingerly holding a beautifully beaded and embroidered dress (apparently from Ukraine and at least 200 years old) and, with tears in her eyes, showing how each individual thread was spun by hand and weaved into place on a cottage floor loom, with bright blue silk embroidery thread and hand-blown beads intricately piercing the work of other labor for days upon days, as the labor of a dozen talented people came together to make something so beautiful for a village girl’s wedding day.

What it also meant: in 1948, a young girl lived in a cramped tenement-like third floor apartment in Manhattan, with a father who had just joined them after not having been allowed to escape through Poland with his pregnant wife nine years earlier. She sits in her father’s lap and watches with wide, quiet eyes as her mother’s deft hands fly across fabric with bright blue silk thread (echoing hands from over a century years earlier). Thread that her mother had salvaged from white embroidery scraps at the tailor’s shop where she worked and spent the last few days carefully dying in the kitchen sink and drying on the roof.

The dress is in the traditional Hungarian fashion and is folded across her mother’s lap: her mother doesn’t had a pattern, but she doesn’t need one to make her daughter’s dress for the fifth grade dance. The dress would end up differing significantly from the pure white, petticoated first communion dresses worn by her daughter’s majority-Catholic classmates, but the young girl would love it all the more for its uniqueness and bright blue thread.

And now, that same young girl (and maybe also the villager from 19th century Ukraine) stands in front of us, trying not to clutch the old fabric too hard as her voice shakes with the emotion of all the love and humanity that is poured into the labor of art. The village girl and the girl in the Bronx were very different people: different centuries, different religions, different ages, and different continents. But the love in the stitches and beads on their dresses was the same. And she tells us that when we look at the labor of art, we don’t just see the work to create that piece - we see the labor of our own creations and the creations of others for us, and the value in something so seemingly frivolous.

But, maybe more importantly, she says that we only admire this piece in a museum because it happened to survive the love of the wearer and those who owned it afterwards, but there have been quite literally billions of small, quiet works of art in billions of small, quiet homes all over the world, for millennia. That your grandmother’s quilt is used as a picnic blanket just as Van Gogh’s works hung in his poor friends’ hallways. That your father’s hand-painted model plane sets are displayed in your parents’ livingroom as Grecian vases are displayed in museums. That your older sister’s engineering drawings in a steady, fine-lined hand are akin to Da Vinci’s scribbles of flying machines.

I don’t think there’s any dramatic conclusions to be drawn from these thoughts - they’ve been echoed by thousands of other people across the centuries. However, if you ever feel bad for spending all of your time sewing, knitting, drawing, building lego sets, or whatever else - especially if you feel like you have to somehow monetize or show off your work online to justify your labor - please know that there’s an 84yo museum docent in the Bronx who would cry simply at the thought of you spending so much effort to quietly create something that’s beautiful to you.

[vulturedimension]

we are discussing our childhood passions on the dash tonight