#why do i always feel like i'm a burden for everybody close to me as soon as i tell them something personal no matter how much i trust them

[born-to-lose]

There's so much wrong with me I'm going to kill myself

[ariaxmu]

angel.

tom riddle x reader

summary: you get sick, tom freaks out and then you realize his feelings for you :3. i have kind of gotten rid of the element of evil with tom here, he is blunt and a little quiet but is sweet. oh and he calls you angel.

warnings: little kisses, flirting, tension.

walking into potions, i try to act as if i am fine. except my disheveled appearance might give that away. my head throbbing in pain, my throat dry, sore and voice croaky, nose sniffly. i feel so, so warm. it's rare i get sick, so when i do it hits me hard. but i cannot miss these classes, exams coming around quickly and i can't afford to miss out.

i sit down next to my potions partner and one of my best friends, tom, smiling softly at him as i do. ''hi tom'' i croak out a whisper, coughing a little to cover up the loss of voice i'm working with.

he furrows his eyebrows, ''hey angel, you look sick. are you sick?'' he asks.

''uh- a little, yeah. but i'm okay'' i say softly, opening up my books.

''why did you come to class? you should have told me you were sick.'' he sighs, seemingly a little frustrated. i frown.

''sorry- i can move seats today if you're worried i'll get you sick-''

''don't be ridiculous. i meant it as i could have taken care of you'' he mutters, side eyeing our friends behind us to make sure they didn't hear him.

''i won't burden you with that. besides, i am fine. and i cannot afford to miss out on any classes. especially this one.'' i mumble, feeling a tickly creep up in my throat as i start up on my little coughing fit.

''miss y/l/n? are you feeling well?'' i hear professor slughorn call out to me as he walks into class. i groan internally.

''i'm okay, professo-'' cough, cough, cough.

''oh miss y/l/n, please do go see madam pomfrey. she will have potions which will clear that up within the hour.'' he nods his head. ''besides, we don't need the entire class getting sick do we?'' he says kindly enough, and his concern was genuine, but i could have thrown my book at him.

''okay, sir'' i sigh, sad. i'm already failing this class, this is the worst thing that would have happened.

''don't worry angel, just go get some rest.'' tom says, brushing a piece of my hair away from my sweaty forehead. i pout, grabbing my books as i stand up to leave the classroom. i sulk to myself as i make my way to madam pomfrey. not only am i missing the class, but as i higher year potions is now a double class, meaning it lasts for three. hours. and that is the only class i have where i get to sit close to tom for that amount of time.

i've been close friends with tom for a good few years now, us getting a lot closer over the years. everybody says, 'it's so obvious how crazy you are about each other!', but i strongly believe it is only obvious that i am crazy about him.

the feelings started to grow the more we grew. he's always been slightly more kind to me than he is to others. he's strict with me, sure, a little over protective. but i'm sure he just sees me as a sister more than anything else. as much as it hurts.

madam pomfrey gives me around three potions, she told me they would make me feel drowsy so it's best to take a nap and when i wake up i should feel a little better. as long as the headache is better, i'll be happy. so i head up to my dorm for a much needed nap.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧

i yawn opening my eyes, rolling over to check the clock. 6pm? i widen my eyes, body shooting up out of bed. i slept all. day?!

so not only did i miss potions, i would have also missed herbology, defense against the dark arts AND transfiguration? i feel tears prick at my eyes, feeling frustrated with myself for not waking up to the alarm i had set. wiping my tears away, annoyed with myself, i at least should go and eat some dinner, and i do feel a lot better.

i get re- dressed, brushing my hair and putting a little makeup on so i don't look completely like a zombie, i head down to the great hall for dinner.

''there she is, sleeping beauty'' pansy grins, as i rush to sit down beside them.

''i'm so annoyed with myself, i slept through my alarm and missed all four of my double classes today. i am screwed.'' i sigh, eyes a little watery from just pure stress and frustration.

''well it appears lover boy has a little surprise for you'' pansy smirks, nodding her head at tom, who is glaring at her from the nickname.

i glance over at him, and he's holding a bunch of books and papers. i furrow my eyebrows, ''what is that?''.

''well when you left potions i took notes for you about well, everything we went over in the class. and then i came to check on you, and you were still asleep, so i just took notes for every class on everything we went over today.'' he says gently, a little red glowing on his cheeks as everybody watches with cheeky grins.

''oh- tom, you didn't have to do all of that. it must've taken so long'' i say, heart swelling with love as i stare at him.

''eh, didn't take that long.'' he shrugs, passing my the notes as he scoots a little closer to me.

''except he kept asking the professors to repeat everything so he could make sure he got it right, and he even highlighted the key words because he knows you read it easier that way, an-''

''okay, enough'' tom snaps at her, groaning, before turning to me. ''but if you need any help, i can help you''.

''thank you tom'' i say nervously, smiling with a soft blush.

pansy smirks at me, mouthing 'he likes you!' with a grin. okay, i can see why she thinks this. but... he could be doing this for me as a good friend too, right? i certainly would do this for one of my friends, leaving me stumped.

''eat this, it'll help you feel even better, especially with the three potions you had.'' tom mumbles, passing me some food over.

''w- how do you know i had three?'' i furrow my eyebrows.

''i went to madam pomfrey to see if she gave you the right stuff, and if it was safe to take them.'' he shrugs, so nonchalantly as he munches on his food.

my god. i'm utterly in love.

''i'm going to the bathroom. i'll be back in a second, angel'' he says to me, standing up and walking out.

i watch him wide eyed as he leaves, my love growing even more than it was before, which i didn't deem possible. i glance at pansy,

''you need to make a move on him, i swear. he won't tell you how he feels because he is too stubborn. he will just keep doing cute things and flirting with you until you lose your mind.'' she says quickly. i nod at her, taking a bite of my food waiting for him to come back. i brainstorm for a moment, thinking of how to get us sneakily in a romantic situation so i can tell him how i feel.

he comes back, sitting directly beside me again. i turn my head over to him, smiling softly. ''uhm, tom?'' i whisper, so nobody else can hear me.

''yes, angel?'' he says, sipping some of his water.

''do you- um, do you want to help me study these notes tonight?'' i say softly.

''of course. we were all planning on going to the library after dinner, anyway''. he nods.

i hum, ''i was thinking more.. just us two? i know you're on prefect duties tonight so... maybe we could go there when everybody else is in bed?'' i say, cheeks bright pink.

''oh.'' he says, looking at me a little shocked, he must realize i'm essentially asking him on a study date. nerves fuel my entire body as this answer kind of entails whether he maybe likes me back or not.

he tilts his head to the side, ''you're asking me to break the rules?'' with a small smirk. heat floods my face, i stutter a little, not knowing what to say. ''you're cute. i'll meet you there at 10.'' he says bluntly as i nod, fiddling with my fingers.

''okay. awesome, cool, okay,'' i nod, trying to calm myself down as i continue to eat. if that part made me so nervous, how on earth am i going to tell him how i feel, or to make a move? i gulp down my food, trying to calm myself down more.

he smirks at me once more, ''i'll see u later, angel'' he says, before standing up and leaving the great hall.

im screwed.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧

“cmon, we’ve almost finished all of the notes. you can finish these last few.” he says softly as i begin to yawn.

“fine” i breathe out, very sleepily but happy to be here with him. it’s now around midnight, and we’re tucked away into a cosy corner of the library, him helping me study.

somehow over the last two hours he has made his way suuuper close to me, his chair practically pressed against mine, his thigh rubbing the side of mine. very close.

it feels, romantic. i know what we are doing isn’t, but being here with him just feels like perfection. the moonlight shining in on his face, he’s letting his guard down more and more. smiling more, able to laugh and have flirty teasing with me. i just adore it.

“so you missed only a couple things today in herbology- you are amazing at this so, i only jotted down things i didn’t think you knew. did you know-” he mutters along, but stops talking when the notices my gaze on him. “what?” he says, cheeks flushed.

“o-oh! nothing” i gulp.

“you were staring?” he says, smirking a tiny bit.

“no i wasn’t.”

“oh yes you were, angel.” he says, leaning back on his chair, hands resting on his stomach. his muscles flexing ever so slightly, the plain black shirt accentuating them. his hair a little messy, cheeks flushed and lips wet from drinking water. god, he just looks so good.

“~and you’re staring again.” he teased.

“shuttup” i blush, looking away.

“hey. no, keep your eyes on me pretty girl” he mumbles, grabbing my chin with his finger s

“w-what?” i whisper out, confused.

“you heard me.” he whispers back.

i look at him for a moment, the tension growing between us as my face warms up. ''i need to tell you something'' i blurt out.

he raises an eyebrow, putting the book down and turning to me. ''go ahead, angel.''

''u-uh'' i start, taking a deep breath. ''i like you, tom'' i whisper.

''i know.''

''you- you know?'' i say, confused.

''obviously.''

''do you.. do you like me back?'' i furrow my eyebrows.

''yes. i thought you knew?'' he says, genuinely puzzled.

''w- how would i know that?'' i exclaim.

''because i make it really obvious?'' he says, scooching his chair closer to mine. ''who else would i have taken double notes for all day and then break the schools rules to study with until 1am?'' he smirks softly.

my face is burning.

''so- this whole time you knew i liked you and you liked me. why didn't you say anything?'' i furrow my brows, looking into his pretty eyes.

''i don't know... i guess i never thought i was good enough for you.'' he mumbles, shrugging nonchalantly as he if he didn't just say the most gut wrenching thing ever.

''you- are you serious? i'm not good enough for you.'' i say, scooting closer to him. ''i thought you saw me as a sister or something'' i shrug.

''trust me, the feelings i have for you are anything but that'' he murmurs, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. my cheeks go rosy pink as he does. ''i'm crazy about you'' he whispers.

''i'm crazy about you'' i grin, he brushes his thumb against my cheek.

our eyes met, and in that silent exchange, a thousand unspoken words passed between us. tom's gaze was tender, full of admiration, while my eyes sparkled with a mix of shyness and anticipation. the world around us faded into a blur as we leaned in.

our lips touched softly at first, a gentle meeting that was both hesitant and electric. it was as if the kiss was a delicate dance, each movement a step closer to something profound and beautiful. the warmth of our embrace enveloped us, and for that brief moment, everything else disappeared.

his lips are so, so soft and comforting. i could kiss him for a lifetime.

when we finally pulled away, our foreheads rested against each other. the kiss had been more than just a touch; it was a promise.

''god, i love you'' he whispers.

''i love you.''

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧

[jupiter049]

After finally getting around to watching Kill The Moon I was very much surprised, pleasantly in fact.

While the abortion metaphor is 100% a valid reading you can make of the story, I don't buy it being the true conflict and message of the episode. Knowing that apparently Peter Harness didn't intend this to be an abortion metaphor, I can let it pass as what is probably a writer's political views subconsciously leaking into the script.

Judging the story literally and not metaphorically. It's about choosing if it's right/worth to kill an innocent being to save the lives of many.

This is literally the trolley problem.

Then you remember that this episode works as a sort of prelude for Mummy On The Orient Express and the true intentions of this episode come to light.

This is a story about having no "good choices", about taking risks when you aren't sure what's going to happen.

Clara is put way more in a bad light than what most people say. Clara is left speechless and with no counter arguments to what Lundwik argues and concedes to letting earth decide. When she finally pushes the button it was clearly a sudden and irrational move.

Clara outright says she didn't know what was going to happen, that she wasn't planning to press the button. Clara didn't make this choice because of knowing what was for the best, she did it because she couldn't bear the weight of intentionally killing an innocent being. She gambled, she took a leap of faith and it paid off.

Beyond the choice itself. Another big aspect of the episode is why The Doctor put Clara in this situation.

The Doctor is lonely. Everybody knows that. But even when companions are close to him, he still feels alone because there's nobody in the universe like him.

He can relate to some, but there's always a thing or two getting in the way (for example Time Lords being dead). So he craves, he strongly craves for someone like him. When The Doctor is asked why he wants to rehabilitate Missy a big reason he gives is the fact she is the only person somewhat similar to him.

The Doctor desires someone he can relate to so badly it makes him want to redeem the person who destroyed 1/4 of the universe.

And now in an adventure with her he finds a situation in which they have to decide if they are willing to stop the birth of a living being to save the lives of many? That sounds familiar.

Just like Nine brought Rose to the future so she could also experience what it's like seeing your planet explode and be the last member of your species, Twelve put Clara in this situation so she could experience what it's like to be the one who makes the big choices.

The Doctor all the time makes decisions that affect the lives of many. Decisions that most of the time he isn't sure if they will work. He risks it all every day. It brings him a lot of pain but he feels forced to do it because he thinks no one else can. He always has to save humanity because he thinks none of them could do what he does.

This... Sadly brings out the uncomfortable truth. Which is that The Doctor does look down upon humans. Don't get me wrong, he adores them, he would give it all to be like them. But he is aware that he considers himself superior to humanity, which is a side of him he (usually) tries to keep in check.

Humanity is for The Doctor what animals are for humanity. We love animals, we admire what they can do and even envy them in some areas, but we still don't consider them as capable, as intelligent as us.

This side of The Doctor can be seen as far back as the first episode of the revival. Calling humans stupid apes, and describing them as a species on it's first baby steps. Because of it, he wants them to be better, he knows how amazing they can and will be and wants them to achieve their potential.

What I'm getting at is that he feels like he is the only one who has to make the big choices, he feels alone taking that burden. But at the same time, he likes it, he enjoys taking these decisions, and he would be more than pleased to have someone right by his side taking them as well.

This is about nurturing Clara into becoming something greater. In his eyes, this means stop being a little human and grow to be the tiniest little bit similar to him.

All of this makes me remember that one moment in The End Of Time Part 2.

The Doctor said humans look like giants, he never said they look bigger than him.

[mintkookiess]

Make me love me.

For those who sometimes feel too overwhelmed with their insecurities and imperfections, or just life in general, you just know Miles would be there for you 〔´∇｀〕

Miles has become my comfort character lately and I knew I just had to write this down. Anyways, enjoy!

Love,

Mint

"If I can make you love me, maybe you can make me love me." - Halsey, I Hate Everybody

Tags: Miles Morales x Reader, insecurities, fluff, words of affirmations

Word count: 895

Your thoughts were blank, empty and a few seconds later it was loud, as if they were screaming at you. This has been an ongoing cycle that tortured you the entire day. You turned off your phone and placed it on 'Do Not Disturb' before chucking it across your bed.

Chest heaving up and down deeply, with hands that were lightly shaking, it started to feel like the world was too big for you again. Even if you were in the comforts of your bed, your room just seemed too much for you as those invasive thoughts flooded your mind.

Here they are again.

Your eyes violently shut close, trying to make those inner voices go away. The pillows and blankets that normally gave you solace didn't seem to be working. 

These overwhelming thoughts got you too preoccupied that you didn't hear your window sliding up as Miles creeps in silently. He was texting you because he had sensed something was off during school today even though you tried to act normal. 

Of course, he'd know. He always did.

He was sure to close your window as quietly as he came in before turning around and taking in how dark and heavy your room felt. His fingers gripped the edge of his mask, removing it in one smooth pull and placing it gently on your floor. 

Miles knew that any noise would've made things worse. So he inched towards you, praying to god that your floors wouldn't creak. Once he's reached you, he sees you huddled in on yourself, eyes closed, tears silently flowing down your eyes.

You felt the weight shift on your bed, and you didn't have to open your eyes to know who it was. He gently placed a hand on your knee, his thumb rubbing circles around it so lightly it was as if it was a feather. 

No words needed to be spoken. You removed yourself from your little ball, allowing him to move even further to you, letting him enter your personal space as you have many times before. 

You trusted him enough for this.

Miles takes this silent permission, before continuing towards you. He transfers to sit beside you as he cautiously wraps an arm around your shoulder. As if on instinct, your face turns towards him, burying yourself in his neck.

Quiet sobs escaped your dried lips as you relished in the familiar warmth of his hold. "Shh... It's okay I'm here amor," He whispered, kissing the top of your head lightly as his hand caressed your hair. 

"I'm... I'm so sorry I'm such a... fucking burden..." You hiccuped between tears. Miles' heart broke for you, wrapping his other arm around you to give you a loving embrace. "No don't say that... you know you're not a burden to me. You're far from it."

He was careful to not overstep your boundaries as it was extra sensitive right now, so he did all that he could at the moment and continued to hold you, kissing your head from time to time. 

"I don't even... understand why you choose to stay with me." You choked, tears flowing harder, and sobs getting a bit louder. Miles felt himself tearing up a little. 

Oh, what he'd give to beat up those inner thoughts of yours that tormented you.

"I love you too much Amor, I'm never leaving you. I've come to love every single part of you, even those that you may think would be your flaws, I love them. I love all of you." He cooed as he tried to hold back his tears. Miles knew he had to be strong for you, he wanted you to know that you could rely on him during these times. 

"All your scars? Beautiful. They made you who you are, the person I love the most in the world. It shows how strong and brave you are. Mi corazón, I'm not going anywhere okay? I'll be here for you, every step of the way."

You couldn't help but feel warm from his words as you felt those voices fade little by little. His hand caressed your cheek, gently lifting your face towards him. 

When you saw him, all you saw was a boy who had so much love for you, who cared about you so much, and who knows what you need better than you did. He knew what to do, what to say as if he's had you memorized and engraved into his soul. 

His eyes lightly glistened as tears threatened to fall. Miles ached for you because he wanted you to see yourself the way he did. He practically wanted to give you his eyes to show you how magnificent you were. 

"What would I do without you Miles?" You murmured as tears continued to flow out. "If I can make you love me, maybe you can make me love me."

Miles closed the gap between the two of you, connecting his lips with yours gently, like a touch of a dandelion. He pulls back as he looks at you with so much love and admiration. "I'll make sure to remind you every day of the million reasons why you're perfect to me, I won't stop even after you've learned to love yourself. I'll tell you all these things for as long as time allows me, amor. You have my word."

Fin.

More of my Miles content here babes!

(if yall wanna be on my taglist feel free to let me know!)

[lythea-creation]

Expectations - Shams x fem reader (Chapter 1)

summary: Being the only child of a prestiged father, (f/n) always has to worry about her image. Only Shams can completely take that burden off her shoulders for a while.

warnings: none

word count: 1.087

Author's note: Feel free to check out my Masterlists and make requests. No reposting please! Reblogging, comments and requests are always appreciated <3 If you like the story/my writing, please don't be shy to say it via comments or asks! It takes you a few seconds and might make my day. It's the best appreciation you can show to a writer you like.

Requested? No

------------------------

“Hey (f/n)!”, Tasneem greeted me as I was sitting on my seat and getting out my stuff. “I can't believe we're in the same class.”

I smiled at her and took a sip of water.

“So what do you think? Wanna make another tiktok together? The last one kinda blew up. Our followers seem to love it”, she noted.

“Sure”, I agreed. “But I'm meeting up with Omar later. So we gotta do it in the break.”

“Of course! Girl, I'm so jealous! Omar's literal boyfriend goals”, she declared.

“Make your move then”, I encouraged her.

“You're still just friends? Come on! Why?”, she wondered.

“Why not?”, I shot back. “Just because he's a decently hot guy and we've literally known each other for ages doesn't mean we have to become a couple.”

“It basically does though”, she claimed.

I had to suppress a groan at her statement. Why did everybody have to insist on that?

“Oh. Hitchcock's in our class”, Hiba announced as Shams entered the classroom.

Anger bubbled up inside of me. All I wanted to do was to stand up for Shams, but we had settled on avoiding each other at school as it might harm my image to be seen with her.

Luckily the topic shifted quickly when Sarah started talking to Tasneem.

So I decided to get a head start and began studying. After all I needed to keep up my good grades this term.

When the first day after the holidays was finally over, I could not wait to get to my favorite siblings.

I walked for a few minutes until I reached the meeting point where Shams picked me up with her bicycle.

“Ready to get home?”, she inquired with a grin.

“You have no idea”, I shot back and hurried onto the saddle.

I could easily not hold on without falling off, but I definitely would not waste this opportunity to hold onto Shams tightly, daring to lean against her.

“You're really pushing your luck, (f/n)”, she complained teasingly.

She was always claiming that she could not focus on keeping us driving when I was this close.

When we entered her home, the first thing we did was getting us a glass of ice water. It had somehow become a ritual whenever I came over because we used to stay out in the sun for far too long when we were kids, obviously dehydrating in the process.

Suddenly Omar walked into the kitchen as well.

“Why aren't you wearing a shirt?”, Shams questioned, frowning at her brother's naked upper body.

“I just came out of the shower”, he enlightened us.

An idea popped up in my mind and I could not help but act on it.

Before Omar realized what was happening I had fished and ice cube out of my glass and slipped it into his pants.

“Ah, you little ...”, he screamed out and jumped around due to the coldness. It was a hilarious sight and Shams breaking out in laughter was absolutely worth it.

“You're so gonna regret this”, he threatened me as soon as he got back to his senses.

I did not hesitate to run away as he was chasing me.

“Help”, I called out.

Of course, Shams supported me and made her brother trip over her foot, leading him to stumble to the ground.

“That's so not fair”, he grumbled and stayed down.

I exchanged a glance with Shams, who shook her head no.

After a while I warily approached Omar, feeling slightly guilty for pranking him and then teaming up against him. But that immediately changed when he took a hold of my ankle, then my wrist. He had caught me.

“(f/n), you're too naive sometimes”, Shams noted.

Before any of us could stop him, he grabbed my glass and emptied it over my head. Several ice cubes plus water as revenge for one.

“Omar!”, I cursed. “Have you gone crazy? Shit!”

Now he was the one laughing and out of the corner of my eyes I recognized that Shams was barely holding in her laughter as well.

“Oh no! You don't get to laugh at me”, I exclaimed and enveloped her in a hug.

“Ugh, guys! I didn't even do anything”, she reminded us as her clothes were soaked now.

“You just watched”, I remarked.

“Which you didn't complain about when you were the culprit”, she pointed out.

“Of course”, I agreed.

After a few seconds we all started laughing again. None of us could hold a grudge against each other for long.

“Let's get some dry clothes”, Shams suggested and pulled me to her room.

“Hey! I thought you were gonna hang out with me”, Omar interjected.

“You don't seriously expect me to stay like this”, I shot back.

“You can take my clothes”, he offered desperately.

“What's your problem?”, Shams wondered, still not letting go of my hand.

“Well … I may be her best friend, but you're her girlfriend. I know you both too well. As soon as she enters your room I'll be forgotten for at least the next hour”, he assumed.

“We're not THAT bad”, I claimed.

“How many stories do I need to tell you?”, he questioned.

“Okay, okay. We got it”, Shams stopped him. “She'll be right back.”

When we arrived in her room, Shams got some clothes for me and herself and then disappeared in the bathroom.

“Why are you doing that to me?”, I whined.

Hope was filling me when she opened the door, but she closed it again after throwing a towel in my face.

Defeated I began drying myself off and putting her clothes on. The fact that they were a bit too big for me was making it even more comfortable.

“I promised Omar we wouldn't take long”, Shams finally answered while getting out of the bathroom.

“I will let him wait a bit longer though”, she declared and pulled me into a passionate kiss that almost turned into a serious make-out session.

“Now go or I'll keep you”, she warned me.

I was just as reluctant to go as she was to let me. But I knew she was right. I was hanging out with Omar today, not with Shams. It would not be fair to let him down.

-------------------------

Next Chapter

Well ... I planned to write a Oneshot, but I couldn't help it and now I'm turning it into a series. Yeah, I know! Another Shams series ... I can't help myself. She's my favorite after all!

I hope you like the first chapter. Feel free to send me suggestions if you have any.

Btw I absolutely love that picture of Shams!

Tag List: @sunwoniie

[pinayelf]

Six-Song Soundtrack Tag Game

tagged by @shivunin <3 Thank you so much ^_^

If you're tagged, make a new post with links to music and/or lyrics describing the following: 1. An event that defines your character's past 2. How your character sees themselves 3. How others view them 4. Their closest relationship (platonic or romantic) 5. A major fight scene 6. End credits song

As always I'm going to do Immy, to no one's surprise lol

Yes quite a few of these will be pop songs, which yes, may seem like a joke, but I'm serious and I like genuinely using pop music as part of Immy's character and ~symbolism. it makes more sense in my head, I have a hard time verbalizing it lol

All Love - Ingrid Michaelson (An event that defines your character's past)

You can't be the one to kill the pain anymore you let me in but then you slam my fingers in the door i've had enough but i keep asking you to give me more when i say that there's no way.

Immy had a very bad breakup a couple of years before Inquisition. Her ex Liranael ended things because she believed Immy to be "too much". Their wants weren't the same, and Immy CAN be clingy, however, she often made Immy feel stupid or ridiculous for the way she normally acts (this actually relates to why Immy and Solas have a strained relationship, but that's another essay lol)

2. Paper Doll - Rachael Yamagata (How your character sees themselves)

Everybody's cleared the room And they'll dress you up Stand you in all the right places Words like honey They smile as they change your faces With no regard to you at all And you find they treat you like a paper doll

This is mostly during DAI, a lot of this is wonderfully explained by this great post by hawkepockets. Immy knew who she was when she was with her clan, surrounded by her community. This was her first time away from that and around unfamiliar culture and people. She essentially fights for her own dignity and humanity - because as the Inquisitor she already sees how much of herself she is losing because of the symbol she's become. No matter how loud she speaks out (something she had to become braver to do), she's essentially the people's paper doll.

3. Goddess - Laufey (How others view them)

Were you surprised by me When you took me home? When the glamor wore off Reduced to skin and bone I can't even tell Who you want to know I'm a goddess on stage Human when we're alone

Doing two parts to number 3! While Goddess is meant to be a song about a lover deifying you - I really like the lyrics here. Immy is essentially deified by the people who follow the Inquisition. Literally the "second coming of Christ" (nvm that she's Dalish). But what ends up happening, to most people that meet her, is that they're disappointed. Immy is not this bright, gleaming figure - she's a shy, terrified woman who's struggling to not break down with all the burden on her.

3b. Magic - One Direction

'Cause you, you've got this spell on me I don't know what to believe Kiss you once, now I can't leave 'Cause everything you do is magic But everything you do is ma-a-agic

This is for how those close to her view her. It's not so much the lyrics, but the poppy-ness of it. Pop songs just remind me of Immy - the saccharine sound, the way it makes you want to dance etc. But despite me often talking about Immy that way, that's something that's only revealed to people closest to her, when Immy feels safe. And that includes her closest friends in the Inquisition and Cullen - the thing that helps her to keep her own personhood.

4. Smash Into You - Beyonce (Their closest relationship, romantic in this case)

And I'm soaked in your love, ah And love is right in my path, in my grasp And me and you belong, oh

I've said numerous times before that this is one of my favorite love songs ever, it's extremely vulnerable, and portrays an intense and deep love. Cullen makes me soppy I'm sorry lol. Vulnerability and feeling safe in that is one of the most important thing in Cullen and Immy's relationship and this portrays it PERFECTLY. Also Immy feels very intensely and deeply too. I have other songs for them, but this one is the one I'm feeling rn <3

5. Like OOH-AAH - TWICE (A major fight scene)

OKAY HEAR ME OUT. No lyrics, because the song isn't here for lyrics, but rather ~vibes. I love exploring contrasts, I also love ironic kinds of anachronism with putting modern pop songs to stuff like Dragon Age. I associate TWICE's music with Immy because she would be a fan in a modern AU and the music is just very her. The music video features the band running through a hoard of zombies so in my head it's a battle song (yes it makes sense).

I like imagining Immy fighting Corypheus to this song lol

6. 26 - Paramore (End credits song)

Reality will break your heart Survival will not be the hardest part It's keeping all your hopes alive When all the rest of you has died

These lyrics just SCREAM Immy to me. Hayley Williams explained that this song is a conceptual opposite to an older song "Brick by Boring Brick" that criticized dreamers and now she's the person. To me - this is what Immy fights for. It's hard staying hopeful, soft, and kind when she'd gone through SO MUCH. But yet, she looks ahead.

Bonus for end credits:

Take Me Home - Pentatonix

And don't you forget The only thing that matters is our heartbeats going strong Oh, don't you forget That nothing else can matter 'cause we know where I belong

This is more for Cullen and Immy settling together to have a simple and peaceful life in South Reach. The lyrics are self explanatory <3

[skaruresonic]

Relevant to SH2 and remake, Thankfully there are more people who are rightfully critical toward the upcoming remake as shown in the tweet but as you can also see there are also peoppe who downplayed the original game like that bruh

I'm already not interested in the remake but more people try to give this shit a chance and more i really don't want to play the remake

https://x.com/cringebusted/status/1825551346944336120

"SH2 is way too generous with its ammo," they complain, only to try and fight Eddie using the Great Knife instead of the three hundred shotgun rounds the game gives you

finally, some good fucking food takes in this Chili's. based and mandolin-pilled

I noticed in IGN's preview video that the boss design seems to have been restructured. Instead of you being locked inside a room with Pyramid Head and forced to hug the corners until the siren sounds, you're locked in a much more open room with PH while he chases you around.

That just feels backwards. PH was the centerpiece of the first boss encounter, and that was reflected in the camera angle:

But because Bloober made the galaxy-brained decision to scrap fixed camera angles, they're forced to reinvent the wheel. This new over-the-shoulder mechanic centers James instead. The original's claustrophobic effect becomes lost when you're given more room to move around in. The original forced you into close proximity with a monster you didn't want to be anywhere near.

It's weird, is what I'm saying, especially when coupled with the dissonant ease with which PH swings the Great Knife.

On top of that, the combat mechanics are just... off, in a way that rings false. PH took a swing that James "dodged," but which should have definitely killed him:

We also get particle physics of debris spraying everywhere, because how else will the audience know the Great Knife is powerful?

This blow should have cleaved James in half. Proximity to the Great Knife dealt massive amounts of damage in the original. If it so much as nicked you, it was treated like a heavy blow, if not an instant kill:

As a matter of fact, YouTuber Pongsifu hilariously died after merely getting glanced by the knife:

But I guess coding the Great Knife in such a punitive manner would have been "too clunky" and compromised the combat. It doesn't matter that the Great Knife was so brutal in the first place because it represented James' desire for punishment, and as such became a painful burden to carry. Nah, Pyramid Head moves too slowly; let's have him wield it like a Buster Sword instead, because that makes sense and doesn't compromise our ludonarrative integrity at all.

Everybody knows SH2 ain't shit without ~le good combat~. And if we have to dilute the symbolism of our game mechanics to do it, by God, we'll do it.

Again, I must stress that "fixing" the combat implies a sense of skewed priorities on Bloober's part. The combat was simply a means to an end in the original; you're meant to run away instead of fighting everything you see. Now the remake's design shift practically guarantees that you stay and fight enemies, which runs antithetical to the original's sensibilities.

"Almost every boss in 2 consists of running from one corner of the room to the other" - Because tight quarters evoke a sense of claustrophobia. Do you also complain that you have to push past the Mannequins in the hotel basement without any of your weapons?

Most of the series' bosses take place in enclosed spaces. Sure, not all of them are set in rooms specifically, but they always pen you in in some form or another. Not that "spray and pray" makes for much more engaging boss battles than "wait and strafe," mind.

And why is claustrophobia suddenly considered a bad thing in a horror game? It reduces the tension when they give you room to move. See my point about how they restructured the Pyramid Head encounter.

"Silent Hill 1, 3, and 4 all had much, much better bosses."

AHAHAHAHA... oh wait you're serious.

How to tell me you haven't played Silent Hill 4 without telling me you haven't played Silent Hill 4. There are only two bosses in that game and one of them, no lie, blows chunks. It was seriously so bad that it contributed to my list of reasons for never playing 4 again. You cannot sit there with a straight face and tell me this was better than the Eddie boss fight:

[watchinglikeafangirl]

Akk and Ayan live in their own heads basically

Throughout this 8th episode, we see these two caught up in their own thoughts, they go all lengths to protect those and let it rule over them.

Ayan is still trying to teach that school a lesson and is not letting go of the idea he could have stopped Dika in any way. We learn, Dika suffered from depression and tried to kill himself not only once. So by blaming Suppalo entirely, Ayan ignores Dika didn't kill himself because of the school. Teacher Chadok - or whoever else - might have been a trigger but Dika was probably already so lost in his depression he saw no other way no matter if the school pressured him or not (I'm sorry if this is not correct. I admit, I don't know anything about mental health diseases). By blaming the school, Ayan projects his own guilt onto something untouchable because it doesn't exist. He hates the system but in reality it's just an excuse of him not being able to let go. He fears losing Dika's memory but he won't, he will see that.

Akk's way of thinking is twisted and in itself inconsistant, I find it hard to understand him. At times, he opens up but then he seeks fighting again and he and Ayan are back to the way they were three episodes ago...all to protect the school which is an ideal he will never be able to reach. He pressures himself so much and thinks being loyal to the school is in contraire to a love life. It doesn't make sense to me but to him it does and it's so real for him, he closes himself off to everyone because deep down he's very sad about the consequences of his actions. But he is just like Ayan, he can't let go. It goes against what he believes even though nothing will happen if he lets his guard down for once.

Honesty is the most important noun to describe this show because the characters never lie. They are true to themselves and with each other. Especially Ayan is the personification of honesty. He addresses issues and matters directly but still manages to ensure everybody of his care for them. He listens, he cares, he saw when Thua wasn't feeling good mentally, he ensured Kan Thua is not the one he likes. He endured everything Akk did, endured the way Akk ignores matters that go against his priciples but he has enough of that since their nearly kiss.

"Why didn't you let me do it?" "Nothing happened there." "I think something happened, Akk."

He states his point very clearly. He wanted to kiss Akk but respects his choice of backing away. The difference is though, he is not accepting the action alone, he wants an explaination. If Akk is rejecting him or felt something as well. Ayan approaches him, touches Akk to reach him but Akk is in his spiraling mind and rejects the try. He is confused for sure. Admiting to Ayan would mean Akk would have to come clean about so many other things like him being the Suppalo curse. There's more coming along that promise than he is willing to give or bear. The thing is though, Ayan understands that. He knows Akk feels a burden and supports him by finding his answer.

"Are you going to deny everything? You have the right to follow your heart."

Using his parents - who are not anywhere close - as an excuse shows exactly, Akk is not shy he just wants to escape. I don't believe Akk didn't know he likes guys before. He never seems to have an identity crisis or inner conflict about that. He just doesn't want other people to judge him which differs him from Ayan a lot because Ayan doesn't care. Akk has a much harder time to shut his brain down whilst Ayan's brain only works overtime at night when he is uncontrolled. It's a big difference when it comes to how they spend their day and how they socialize. Akk worries too much about the world which keeps him from moving along with it. He always feels kind of left behind. By becoming the school's prefect, he finally caught up but Ayan reminds him, he in fact did not and that is something his ego doesn't take too well.

"You keep saying you're afraid people will see. What if they do? Can't two male friends spend time together?" "I don't know. But I'm not okay with it."

Again, Ayan is trying to reach Akk by just talking. But all that comes out are accusations that are true but keep on push the barrier between them. Ayan is frustrated and Akk annoyed with him, so the conversation goes nowhere until Ayan tries a different way and just hugs Akk without warning. Akk panics instantly because he likes it but I wouldn't call it gay panic, it's more the fear of admitting he fell for someone - and he fell hard.

"Step away or I will punch you!" "Look into my eyes, Akk. Do it." "I won't do it."

There we have it. Akk is powerless and it's scary. He doesn't know what Ayan thinks about him in this moment because he is provocing him but at the same time, Ayan makes Akk feel extremely unarmed.

"Now tell me how you feel. I will tell you my feelings and you will tell me yours."

At this point, I was melting. Ayan tries to meet Akk halfway. He knows Akk won't say the truth on his own initiative, so he takes the first step and admits he likes Akk a lot in the hopes of getting a confession in return - which he doesn't get any time soon and just pines for a few days.

By locking eyes, which are the gate to the soul, Akk is powerless. He doesn't deny like he did at the beach. The denial is long gone. But he doesn't confess either because his head won't allow him to have that. Nevertheless, he lets himself feel this moment of not thinking too much and sticks to not saying anything at all. He is close to tearing up because Ayan doesn't leave no matter how hard of a challenge Akk might be. He doesn't give Ayan what he wants, yet Ayan still stays, he still chases him, he keeps following him. This kind of unasked and unanswered affection touches Akk in places he doesn't know, so he can't word it. He is not used to it BUT AYAN KNOWS THAT AND IS WILLING TO WAIT. I can't with this man.

Like I said before, they have to oversome themselves first which is why we don't get a real first kiss in the sense of starting their dating era because they can't take care of themselves. If you can't grow on your own, you probably won't grow into the relationship. The show takes its time with the characters and doesn't rush things without creating painful slow burn. It's really interesting.

[possumeaten]

Sonic prime analysis

so before I do anything: this is my first time using Tumblr so if the formatting sucks or something I'm very sorry

I've been re-watching sonic prime with my mother and she asked me what this is all actually about and I've just kind of started rambling about what I thought. I don't know if this is like already confirmed to not be the case or this is common knowledge, but I've came up with it myself and was quiet proud of it.

So the paradox prism is, as we know, a prism and I think everybody knows, that when light goes through a prism it's refracted (or better fitting for sonic prime; shattered) into each component of the light. And I think you can project that directly into the universe of sonic the hedgehog, by hitting the prism and therefore shattering it, each extreme that together results in green hill zone as we knew it before is taken apart and left in it's raw form. So if you were to look through the prism from different angles while letting light (the sonic universe before the shattering) go through, each of these universes make sense to some extent, given the circumstances sonic not being there. Sonic is of sorts the one holding together the pieces, but by that also the one to blame if they fall apart, which he quiet literally is.

Now when sonic prime aired was confused why prime and frontiers were released so close to each other. When looking at the bigger picture I think I understand.

Frontiers from a certain point of view is the thought of the rest (amy, knuckles, tails etc..) on their own, without (their) sonic, their thoughts, worries and relationship with sonic on display , something that I feel like forces was trying to do, but wanted classic and avatar in the game to much to actually make something with the rest of the characters. In prime on the other hand you have sonic without his friends. After their loss of relevance in the games until frontiers both frontiers and prime were like a breath of fresh air.

(For this I will specifically look at tails, because he is my favourite and he is the easiest to use for this:)

In frontiers tails was shown to feel like a burden, we see that he has worries. Mirroring that in prime, nine can't feel like a burden, since he's alone, but still starts relying on sonic after not even after a day. Mangey, although a lot different to tails as we've known him, makes sense, if sonic wouldn't have taken tails who knows how tails would've grown up. Though you can't really compare nine and mangey, mangey still is shown to have trust towards sonic, when he hides behind him in fear. Honestly there isn't a lot to say about sails. But all 3 have in common that they feel drawn to sonic, because (closing the circle here) sonic is like the glue for the universe we know. There are 1000 what ifs you could always apply to everything, that normally always could change everything as we know, but in case of sonic prime, it gives the feeling of still being complete all the same, no matter in what universe, as long as everyone is together.

this is kind of all over the place, I hope it's still understandable!

[multi-royalty-arc]

❝  you’re so strong.  and brave—but i wish you knew you don’t always have to be.  i’m here,  if you’re ever willing to let me help shoulder those burdens.  ❞ (From Zoe to Madison)

Madison was trying her best to be less of a cold hearted bitch in the presence of Zoe, the brunette had only ever tried to be a friend to her. Madison's guard was up the majority of the time but sometimes things slipped out when she knew Zoe was paying attention.

This wasn't a cry for attention, or a call for a pity party. Sometimes Madison really did need a shoulder to cry on, but allowing herself to do so was an internal battle hardly anyone would come to see.

"flattery doesn't always get you places Zoe"

The blonde wanted to be open, to talk about her worries and the things that made her so closed off in the first place. To share the reasons why she held everyone to impossible standards and the thoughts behind her sarcasm, but every time she opened her mouth it was an automated response to shut it all down. Being vulnerable scared her.

Madison's parents never listened to her worries, or cared about her feelings, she was a money mule to them and that was her only purpose. It changes you, knowing that they're only keeping their daughter around to use her as a money supply. It led her to believe everyone in her life had an ulterior motive. She wasn't worth the real kindness in peoples hearts, not that she believed it truly existed most days.

Everyone wanted something.

"I'm doing just fine"

The little girl inside of her screaming for help, but this was Madison's only defence, the only way she knew how to protect herself was to shut everybody out. Her circle was non existent. It was a habit she wasn't so proud of, giving up on people at the first hurdle but she was trying with Zoe, it was just going to take a little time for her to see that the brunette wasn't trying to take anything from her. Zoe wasn't a threat to Madison's safety, and part of her could rationalise that, but getting over her fears of being vulnerable and then being left would take a lot more than a few kind words.

"but, i'd like you to stay.."

[tache-noire]

Tokeback Mountain, Chapter 2

(read chapter 1 here)

Rating: T (brief boner mention)

Ship: Evil Uno/Hangman Adam Page

Content: Fluff, Angst, Romance, Confessions, Flirting, Kissing

Summary: It's time for them to talk about what happened last week. (This was supposed to be a crackfic with some smut. How did this happen.)

Also on AO3

Evil Uno doesn't hear from Adam the next morning. He doesn't hold it against him. It's not nearly as bad as his drunken blackouts used to be, but he does still tend to forget things when he smokes. The whole thing– the kiss, the panic, the loopy "I love you"– it was just another mistake. Well, actually, that does sting a little. It's not like he's never said it before, but after an apparent sexuality crisis, the context has shifted dramatically . It eats away at him for days . An entire week, until finally he has to talk to someone about it. Stu readily meets him in the tiny café in the lobby of their hotel.

"I don't know what to do, and I hate that."

Uno holds his head in his hands. Stu reaches across the little table to pat him on the shoulder. It's not often that he really lets his stress show. He's supposed to be a leader, after all. He carries the burdens of everyone around him. Supports everyone wholeheartedly. The only one he really lets see him like this (human, just human like everybody else, he has to be reminded) is his Player Two.

"What do you want to do?" Stu asks, picking apart a croissant. "Seems like that's the easiest place to start."

"It's not, though. I want to tell him everything. But I can't do that. If I bring it up– if he doesn't remember, then I'll embarrass both of us. If he does …"

"You get a very handsome new boyfriend?"

Evil Uno shoots Stu a tired look. Stu shrugs it off.

"No. I'd be forcing him to confess something he wasn't ready to talk about. I can't hold him to something he said when he was high."

"But the 'gay slut weed' isn't real."

Uno sighs heavily. "People still say things that they regret." 

He couldn't stifle the pain in his voice if he tried. He's loved Hangman just about as long as he's known him. Even at his lowest points. Knowing how vibrant and charming he could be was what drove Uno to stay by his side and support him to sobriety. He secretly clung to every dunken-friendly "I love you, man" because it was the only way he'd ever hear it, because Adam would always have his pick of better, more successful, more attractive people. He hears it far less often now. He'd settled into just being a secretly pining friend. 

It turns out, new hope after a drought is worse than safe, familiar hopelessness.

"I wish I'd just checked on him and gone back to my room. Why did I stay?"

"Because you love him." Stu leans back in his chair. "I don't think Adam regrets it, though."

"How do you know?"

He taps Uno's shin with his foot and nods pointedly. Evil Uno turns to look behind himself just in time to see Hangman walking across the lobby, toward them. His heart sinks into his stomach, and he hisses under his breath:

"Oh my god. Did you–?!"

"He texted me and asked where you were and I told him. I promise that's all."

Stu gets up before he can be scolded any further. He tosses his trash away and claps his partner firmly on the back with a wink. 

"I'm going to the gym, I'll talk to you later."

And with that, Uno is left all on his own, with Adam showing a little more purpose in his stride now that Stu is out of the way. He doesn't sit down, just holds the back of the vacant chair with white knuckles. Well, that makes two of them. Evil Uno feels about two seconds away from crushing his coffee cup, if he gets any more tense.

"Good morning, Adam." He forces a smile that feels more like a grimace. It's returned just as awkwardly.

"Hey."

There's a pregnant silence between them. Neither willing to take a step to close the distance. What are they supposed to do? Chat about the weather they don't know or care about in an unfamiliar city? And hey, by the way, about that little crisis you had while you were stoned, it's kind of killing me and–

"Uh, d'you mind if we find someplace a little more private? There's somethin' I gotta talk to you about."

Well, there it is. The beginning of the end.

"No problem." Big problem. Huge. "Where to?"

"My room."

Worse!

"Alright. Let's go."

He tries to keep the nerves out of his voice. His hands. He hopes Adam can't feel him staring a hole through his back as they walk. He hopes he can. As anxious as he must be, at least he has the benefit of already knowing what he's going to say. Evil Uno resents that a little. He can only guess. And hope. He can't help but hope against all odds that maybe Stu is right and all this isn't just one-sided, even while he's working through the five stages of grief in his head to prepare for the more likely outcome.

He doesn't quite make it to acceptance before they reach Hangman's hotel room. He's still stewing in depression when the door locks behind them. So maybe he can be forgiven for being slow to react when he's grabbed firmly by the shoulders and held still in the middle of the room. Adam fixes his cloudy blue eyes on Uno's wide brown ones. Glares long and hard, like he means to kill him with them. But eventually, his expression softens and he has to look away.

"Damn it. I knew it."

"What?" Evil Uno is still jumpy, dangerously close to shoving some space between them until Adam’s grip relaxes, too. He laughs, humorless and resigned.

"It wasn't– it's still happening."

Before he can ask 'what?' again, he's pinned and silenced with another pointed look. His face seems hopeful, but scared. The same way Uno feels. 

"When you… Last week, after– after I kissed you, and I freaked out…" He starts, his voice already wavering. 

"You, uh… You held me until I calmed down. And told me you're not going anywhere."

Evil Uno takes a deep breath. Wherever this goes, it's on its way now. 

"I remember. I didn't think you did."

"I do. It's been driving me crazy, Uno. You said you wouldn't leave and then you did, so… Did it mean anything or not?"

This is it. This is where he loses everything, because he can't just lie to Adam. Maybe if he'd been a little more fuzzy on the details, but not when he's totally lucid. And he deserves the truth even if he hates him for it.

"Yeah, it did. I just… I couldn't stay after that. I know it was just the weed talking, I couldn't hold you to that. I couldn't let you make a decision you'd regret in the morning–" 

He has to stop, swallow down a lump in his throat before finishing. 

"No matter how much I wanted to. I wouldn't have been able to say no to you if I'd stayed."

Evil Uno braces for the barely-disguised pity. The rejection. He hopes for an "easy" let down, since they're friends at least.

It doesn't come. Instead, Hangman seems to exhale a thousand pounds off his back. His posture loosens, like a tight string's been cut somewhere inside him and freed up all of his joints at once. Where there was once fear creasing his brow, now there's relief.

"Thank god. Thank god, it wasn't just me reading too far into it."

Adam smiles, and Uno just stares, dumbfounded.

"I've been thinkin' about it all week. I've been thinkin' about you ."

Evil Uno thanks God for masks. His face is getting warm, and he knows it'd be an embarrassing shade of pink if Adam could see it. And the more he talks, the worse it gets.

"Actually… I've been thinkin' about you a lot longer than that. And I– I thought it was the weed makin' me feel like that, but now I think it was just makin' me more honest with myself."

Uno tries not to think about the sweat on the back of his neck as Hangman's hand shifts to rest there. His fingertips dipping under the edge of his mask and reaching the edge of his stubbly shaved hairline. He's so close now. Not at arm's length anymore. Close enough that Evil Uno can reach out and tentatively put a hand on his hip, and bask in the shy smile that gets him in return.

"I wanna be honest with you too, Uno."

He leans in, closes the small gap still between them, and Uno is so glad he put on one of his older masks to get coffee with Stu. One of the ones with an open mouth so he wouldn't have to jam a straw up the bottom of it. The opening is still a little awkward for this, but with the right angle they manage to meet in the middle in a much better kiss than the one that's been on his mind for the past week. It's still so little, just a chaste, soft press, no tongue– and yet, it's everything. The way they just fit together makes him wonder how he ever thought they couldn't.

And then, far too soon, they're apart again, and Adam's looking at him like he's the whole world.

"I love you."

And Evil Uno smiles back, for real this time, and holds Adam's face in his hands.

"I love you, too. I love you so much, you know that?"

"Yeah, I do now. 'M sorry I never…" Hangman gestures vaguely with his hands. "I was scared."

" You were scared?"

He nods solemnly.

"I didn't know if I could take it if you turned me down."

"Never. Never . Oh my god, I couldn't , you–"

Evil Uno laughs, still incredulous, still barely believing this is happening. That this is his life. That this is going to continue to be his life, isn't it? For the foreseeable future, "Hangman" Adam Page, the (extremely charming and beautiful) Anxious Millennial Cowboy, is going to be part of his life in a way he barely even let himself dream of. 

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to love you."

He kisses him again, because he can. And again, because he wants to and he can, he can have what he wants. And then a third time, because this time Adam pulls him in and tilts his head to kiss him deeper because he wants it, too. And this time there's just the slightest, hesitant little slide of tongue at the seam of his lips and he eagerly opens up to meet it. Evil Uno's face is hot and he's dizzy and his heart is about to burst. It's hard to breathe through his nose with his mask on and it forces him to take these embarrassing little gasps of breath whenever he can. They make him sound so desperate– and maybe he is, but he doesn't want to come on too strong all of a sudden, take a mile when he's been offered an inch. But Adam's hooking his fingers in the belt loops of his jeans and pulling him against himself. And holy shit, he's definitely sporting a half-chub at least, poking at his hip. That makes two of them. 

Adam makes a soft noise, and breaks their kiss once more, hovering just inches away. Panting slightly. He knocks their foreheads together with a wry smile.

"So, um… That other thing you said… did you mean that, too?"

It takes a moment for Evil Uno to drift back down to earth and remember how to talk.

"What other thing?"

"That we could, uh… Do whatever I want in the morning?"

"Oh. Oh. "

His stomach does a little flip. This wasn't exactly what had been on his mind when he said that, but… Apparently it'd been on Hangman's, even back then. Longer than that, he'd said. 

"You mean now?"

"Well…" Adam's hands creep around Evil Uno's middle, to his lower back. As if he would run away otherwise. "You got any other plans 'til showtime?"

"No…"

"Me neith–"

Hangman's phone rings, startling them both out of their skin. He checks the screen and scowls.

"It's Tony," he grumbles. "I gotta take this."

He's a walk-and-talk type. Evil Uno finds himself left hanging while Adam paces, offering a "yeah" or "got it" now and then, until something really hits him and he reacts with an exasperated "right now?!" 

"Showtime ain't until 8! I'm kinda in the middle of something…"

He shoots Uno an apologetic and longing look. He can't hear the other end of the conversation, but he understands. Business is business. They're still on the card for tonight.

"It's a personal thing. It's very important, and private . … Can't we just do it live, play it by ear? Why do we have to… Alright, Jesus, fine. I'll be there in 20."

Adam shoves his phone back in his pocket with a groan. 

"Tony's decided at the last minute he wants to write and pre-tape a promo for tonight. Said it's too big to risk any live slip-ups."

All at once, he's all wound up and anxious again. His tone is short and curt, frustrated. Evil Uno slips an arm around his waist, and he huffs. 

"He wants me there now ."

"Hey, don't worry about it. It is what it is."

"I know, but I wanted–"

"Listen. "

Uno holds Adam's jaw firmly, making him look up from the floor and into his eyes.

"You don't have to rush to 'seal the deal' with me. This time, I'm really not going anywhere. I promise. If you still want to, come find me after the show, room 318." 

Hangman nods, blue eyes glittering with all the thoughts racing through his head. It makes Uno's heart swell all over again, just knowing that some of them are about himself. And about both of them. He gives him one last kiss before heading out.

"Knock 'em dead, cowboy."

"Yeah, alright," Adam chuckles. "I'll see you later."

He's not sure how he's gonna focus for the rest of the day. As soon as the door's closed between them, Evil Uno feels like he's been hit by a truck, in the weirdest and best way. A truck full of puppies and chocolate and crack. Not that he knows the feeling intimately, but he's pretty sure being on crack probably feels at least a little bit like this. He's smiling so hard it's starting to hurt, and he fumbles his phone a couple times before he manages to unlock it, on the way back to his own room. Stu's probably still at the gym, but he has to text and tell him.

"YOU WERE RIGHT"

"I MIGHT BE HAVING A HEART ATTACK RN"

"You should probably sit down."

"Congratulations on your very handsome new boyfriend 🙂"

"OK I'm sitting now. I feel like I want to scream."

"I can't believe it, Hangman said he wanted to tell me for a long time but he was scared?????"

"That's insane"

"Anxious Millennial Cowboy, lol"

"So that's all that happened?👀"

"Well no"

"Uhhhhh"

"We kissed for a little while, and he wanted to have sex."

"If you turned him down I'm coming up there right now and beating the shit out of you"

"I didn't!!!!"

"He got called in for some last-minute taping. You know how it is."

"So…. Later 🙃"

"Good"

"Fuck him silly"

"STU"

"Ok I'm almost done w cardio"

"Details later?"

"NO!!!!"

[atlaskrr]

I lied when I said I'm healing. Everyday I just feel like shit and every happy moment is fleeting. I hate feeling useless because what am I supposed to do with myself if I'm not good at anything.

My art is alright but alright is not good enough. Writing is the one thing I felt good at but now I'm just one step away everytime from being good enough. I like science but I don't have the willpower to turn it into something. Whenever someone compliments me I feel like they're just saying it to be nice or have low standards and it fucking sucks because I ask them to get assured only to continue and doubt. I don't want to be an attention seeker but even when I am nothing makes me feel good enough. If I ever do it goes away in a snap. I feel like I'm moving too slow in everything.

I can't tell when people are genuinely nice to me because in my head I'm a burden to everybody because everytime I have a friend I try to hold on tight and maybe that's annoying because the tighter I hold the more they slip away. I feel like I'm too broken to be loved because when someone gets close I spill my heart to them but maybe my heart just carries to much baggage for them and I dont want to weigh them down for my sake I'm already selfish enough as is.

I feel like I just hurt people at this point. My parents always argue because of me and I don't want to hear my mom talking about kms and going insane because of me when my dad threatens divorce and yells at everyone. I'm scared I'm becoming an angry person like my dad and I don't want to hurt people like he does.

Some days I open my bathroom window and wonder what if I just jumped out and died suffering on the ground. I have to close the window and move back to cry on the ground. Some days I have no motivation to do anything. I want to shrivel up and die in bed because I'm losing so many people. So if I have nothing to look forward to the next die why should I be alive. The only thing holding me back is the thought of people crying even if those people hurt me I don't want to hurt them. It feels selfish to kms so now I'm living for others and I'm so tired of it. I wish I wasn't born cause you can't miss someone you've never met. I wouldn't mind dying by accident or being murdered at this point. But I hate suffering yet I still sh sometimes when I'm stressed to punish myself.

I can feel genuinely haply and when I do I want to live but those moments go away so quickly is there even a point. I want to heal and I am. I'm able to feel happier than I have in a long time. But it's hard to just leave the shit behind.

[kaepop-trash]

what was going through jaehyun's mind at the end after y/n said what she said about johnny? also, thank you for being so sweet and answering my questions 🥺

Edge of Desire

Anon: "But what is jaehyun (no time to blame) thinking?"

Anon: I just can't take take Jaehyun's side in this one. Johnny and y/n feel better together too like why would Jaehyun just leave like that?

_

This is an ouch ouch ouch. I hope this goes some way to balance the scales in Jaehyun's favour. Everybody has their demons is the real moral of this shabby excuse of a series. First anon is referring to this.

Warnings: A little too existential for what is meant to be self indulgent fantasy, Jaehyun is a greek tragedy, this fic is a Russian tragedy, someone tell me if this counts as cheating of not so I can add a clear warning for it.

WC: 3.1k

_

Jaehyun tapped his fingers against the table while Johnny tapped his on the screen of his phone. Chuckling under his breath once again, he shook his head at whatever he was looking at, putting his phone down after.

"What's so funny?" Jaehyun asked, an amused smile forming on his own lips. But the question made the amusement on his best friend's lips falter for just a moment— a subtle gesture that he quickly caught and rectified. But Jaehyun knew Johnny too well.

"(Y/N) was just talking about how everybody keeps asking her what she'll wear to the wedding. She said that she'd heard that question more than Irene." Johnny cleared his throat, shifting in his chair.

"Oh," Jaehyun responded, assuming the source of Johnny's sudden discomfort. He’d heard enough people mention it in passing by now. (Y/N) was Johnny’s other closest friend now. While Jaehyun didn’t care about the shared title, he knew Johnny always saw the world through his own eyes.

The courteous part of Jaehyun kicked in at the thought, "It's nice that the both of you became close. (Y/N) used to tell me back in university how she always thought the both of you would make good friends."  He reassured Johnny.

Johnny, Jaehyun had noticed, had been skirting around the topic ever since they had a chance to have a proper conversation. It made him hope that he didn't somehow think that Jaehyun would feel replaced. Jaehyun would say it out loud if he could, he knew that Johnny would never do that. But words were never his strong suit, and his sentiments clung to his throat.

Johnny had a look he didn't quite understand, something wistful and distant. Then he just smiled and shrugged, "You know now that you mention it, I don't know why we never did." He tapped his finger against the glass. “The three of us did do a lot together.” Johnny hummed, nostalgia brushing against his smile.

Jaehyun knew the answer to that question. In university, Johnny was too occupied with trying to woo the girl of his dreams. Or so he thought. On the other hand, Jaehyun and (Y/N) were occupied with each other.

The mere thought made him swallow, reaching for his glass to do a better job of moistening his throat.

"I don't know what to wear to the wedding either." Jaehyun shifted the topic, "I forgot to pick up my good suit from the dry cleaners before coming here."

"Oh," Johnny responded, "Well I have an appointment with a good tailor tomorrow. I'm sure he'll squeeze you in, I'm a regular."

Jaehyun smiled, relieved to have one burden off his chest. "That would be great. I don't want to wear some bulky suit from the rack to Taeil's wedding." Jaehyun took a shallow breath, "Can you actually believe Taeil is getting married?" Jaehyun laughed, still finding himself in disbelief when he thought about it for too long.

"You're telling me." Johnny scoffed, distracted by the waiter arriving with their food, "When (Y/N) and I first found out it was the worst." He scoffed, shaking his head at the memory. There was a fond look in his eyes as he recalled whatever had occurred.

"What happened?" Jaehyun asked, mostly curious because of his reaction.

Johnny's smile dropped for just a moment before he shrugged, "Well it was bittersweet, I guess. You can't help but wonder about where you stand in your own life when something like that happens. I was just glad someone felt the same way I did. Especially after the breakup, I was–" His words faltered, looking like he said too much. To mitigate his reaction Johnny turned to thank the waiter, engaging him in some conversation about the specials of the day.

It gave Jaehyun the moment he needed to really consider what Johnny had just said.

'It took me a long time to stop loving you.'

The words that had haunted him ever since that night returned to torment him. Jaehyun reached for his glass again, this time to swallow a pang in his throat. 

They felt the same. The words were another reminder to Jaehyun that he had missed something that was right in front of him all those years.

He had to shake the words off, not in the right place to lose himself in such hopeless ruminations.

"But you seem to be doing well now." Jaehyun hummed, a small but genuine smile aimed at his friend. "I know I wasn't here when it happened. But I'm always here for you."

Johnny looked at Jaehyun, at first looking moved but then changing to something more guarded.

"Thanks man, that means a lot." Johnny had a smile that didn't reach his eyes. Eyes that were pointed at his plate and not at Jaehyun.

Jaehyun smiled back at him anyway. He knew that making amends wouldn't be easy, the years and distance had clearly dampened their friendship. But to Jaehyun, Johnny would always be the best friend who was practically family. The best man he knew. The person who Jaehyun could be honest with about anything.

The afternoon left Jaehyun heavier than he expected. When Jaehyun got into grad school, the sheer happiness of achieving his goal blinded him to so much. He had thought then, perhaps naively, that he was merely expanding his life. That he was taking what he had with him and adding to it something more.

Instead, a sinking feeling he had for a while now came to be proven at lunch. He hadn’t expanded anything at all. Instead, Jaehyun had replaced everything he once had, the good and the bad. 

And perhaps naively now, he could not recall any of the bad parts that made him want to run away in the first place. All he could remember now were the things he had lost.

He wondered if that was also why he fell in love with (Y/N) only after he left. 

The truth was that he couldn't answer his own question. When he booked his ticket for home, he told himself that he'd keep away from her. She had explicitly stated that she wanted to cut ties with him after all. Back then Jaehyun couldn’t understand why his offer of always being her friend had angered her as much. A year down the line, insight made him ashamed.

He told himself over and over that he would not do anything to hurt her further. But as the day of his departure inched closer, Jaehyun’s mind was stuck on the simple comfort he once had. Comfort, he had learned, was a greater drug than aspirations.

And if Jaehyun had to confess, if he had to say why he was an addict in search of his fix then he could point to one single slip.

Grad school had been gruelling for Jaehyun in more ways than one. Jaehyun had worked extremely hard through University, he had to because Jaehyun didn't know who he was if he wasn't the best. When his mother died, she told the very young Jaehyun to always try and be happy. When he had asked his father how he could be happy, he told him that he needed to work for it.

From then on, Jaehyun always did his best. He got into the University his dad wanted because making his dad happy made him happy too. He graduated top of his undergraduate class by working tirelessly to ensure it. And then Jaehyun knew he only had two more things to work for. He needed to get into his dream school and get the best job he could. Then, Jaehyun reassured himself, he’d truly be happy.

But once he got into grad school, he immediately realised that amongst those people he was merely average. And no matter how hard he worked, how hard he pushed himself, that did not change.

By the time Jaehyun graduated, he felt like the shell of the person he once was. And it was the very state he was in when he met his then girlfriend.

It was good for him, he would always say that. It was comforting to have someone in your corner who shared some of your anxieties. 

Jaehyun knew he wasn't happy, but he also knew it had nothing to do with her. He needed to finish his list and then they would be happy together. He just wished he could tell her that. Every time she asked why he never had time for her, why he never talked about his life before they met, Jaehyun wanted to tell her that it wasn’t her fault.

But it was hard for Jaehyun to verbalise himself, it always had been. So despite having nothing but amiable affection, he felt hollow because he knew she didn't really know him. And perhaps that would have been how he would have stayed, reminding himself that his perils weren't unique. His parents didn’t talk either. Till the day his mother died, his father believed that peonies were his wife’s favourite flowers. But they had always been daffodils. But they still did love each other.

Eventually, the day came when Jaehyun finally landed the job he wanted. His hands shook while he spoke to the recruiter on the phone, hearing the words he'd been waiting to hear for the two years of school, possibly for his whole life. Finally, Jaehyun knew that he was good enough. Finally, he was ready to be happy.

He walked into the apartment he shared with his girlfriend, out of financial strains more than sentimental need, with his cheeks burning from joy. He navigated the space in search of her before finding her in the bedroom.

"I got it." He beamed, his blood still buzzing from the few drinks he had with his classmates to celebrate. "I got the job!" He felt his lips quiver, immediately grateful for the lack of light in the room. He had never cried in front of her, and he didn’t want this to be the moment he did.

"Of course you did. It was a good interview and you're a good candidate." She said without looking up. “You were worrying for no reason, I told you that.”

You don't get what this means. Jaehyun wanted to say. But it was meaningless because he had never told her of the harrowing state he was in the past few months. He kept his fears to himself and always lied that he knew he’d get on his feet.

So he just sought the comfort he craved, walking towards the bed she sat on. With his mind insulated from the drinks he had one too many of, all he wanted was to embrace her.

"I thought I'd have to go back home with nothing to prove for myself. But I did it, I got the job. I'm finally free, (Y/N)." He swallowed the lump in his throat.

He would have missed his slip, had it not been for the way the girl went stiff in his arms at the utterance. 

Things were swift after that. He didn't defend himself except when she asked if he was cheating, his answer a very solid denial she didn't fully believe. He moved out because it was the right thing to do. 

Just as he gained a footing in his life, another part slipped away and he told himself that maybe some people were never meant to have it all. Since then Jaehyun lived in an uncomfortable space in his mind, with a closely guarded truth that needed reconciliation. And because he couldn't even face his own truth, he didn't know what to say to (Y/N) at all.

But listening to Johnny talk about her so fondly, to have him recall memories Jaehyun wasn’t a part of, stirred something in him. He knew the look in the man’s eyes, the soft edges of his voice. There was an undeniable comfort that came with (Y/N) and her absolute acceptance of those she loved. Jaehyun had known this ever since they met and only valued it after he left.

What Jaehyun did next was as stupid as it was selfish. His fingers shook as he texted three people with the same question. Pacing around in his small hotel room, he tried not to burn a hole into his phone lying face forward on the mattress. The entire time his mind moved faster than his heartbeat, a vicious mix of guilt and relief that he was afraid he’d get hooked onto.

The first chime of his phone made him lunge for the bed, on his screen shone a message from Jungwoo with the very thing he had become a madman for. 

Finally, he had (Y/N)’s new phone number.

Everything after that was deceptively familiar. Jaehyun wanted to say so much, but he was afraid he wouldn’t say it right. He was afraid if he told her how he felt she’d remind him that she had moved on years ago while he was stuck in the same dingy bar on campus where she had cut off all ties with him. So he resorted to what had always worked, partial but genuine honesty.

Need you

He typed, afraid that even another word would make him spill everything he had guarded behind the wary dams in his heart. He kept his confession half because then he could at least pick up the pieces if she didn’t want the same. Jaehyun was afraid that if he bared it all and she walked away again, then he’d never have the only thing he promised his mother.

Deep in the trenches of his own countenance, he almost missed the buzz of his phone. But his hand reached for it by itself like a deeply ingrained habit. 

Her words were simple and Jaehyun wanted to trick himself into thinking that she was guarding her own walls too. It didn’t matter because either way, his feet would drag him to the door. He didn’t need to prepare, he didn’t need to change his clothes. Because the only place Jaehyun was going was home.

_

There were moments in Jaehyun's life when happiness felt just within his grasp. Like if he could just reach out and grab it then it would be his to keep.

He lay with his cheek buried deep in the pillow, forcing himself not to give into the lull of the late afternoon. He willed himself to stay awake so he could watch the way the last throes of sunlight went from vibrant orange to a warm pink against her exposed back.

(Y/N) had pushed the windows open right before falling asleep and it let in a cool breeze in anticipation of the evening.

In this moment, more than any he'd stopped for in a while, Jaehyun yearned to reach out.

I love you. So, so very much.

Her confession still hung in the air like the sweet smell of wilting flowers. So did the look of agony in her eyes when she spoke. Loving him made her angry, it made her so furious that the emotion rolled off her in waves and capsized him.

I hated the person I was when I loved you, Jaehyun.

The words from all those days ago still rang in his head like a knell. Over and over till he thought he'd lose his mind, till the ringing drowned out the small voice of hope in his heart.

He didn't stop to think about what he expected when he decided to come back. Perhaps, it didn't matter after all.

A stir from her broke through his thoughts. His eyes refocused as her previous serene face squinted and frowned, eyes beginning to flutter open.

You always hated waking up as much as you hated sleeping, Jaehyun thought to himself, smiling when she huffed and stretched.

She wriggled around for a few moments, another habit of hers, yawning and rubbing her eyes harshly before her fuzzy gaze finally landed on him.

He tried his best to give her a smile that didn't expose too much of his brewing melancholy. She rolled over to face the ceiling.

Conversation with (Y/N) would always come easily to him. As someone who would always be short on words, he found that he always had something he could say to her. It was perhaps because he didn't feel compelled to find the right words. Trusting that she'd never misunderstand the things he said without careful assessment. Another thing he loved.

Even lewd suggestions could sometimes slip off his tongue, something he had otherwise found himself too shy to express. The one he expressed, dusting his neck pink.

He wanted to reach out and bury his head in her neck. For old times' sake, for irreplaceable comfort's sake.

But the sound of (Y/N)'s ringtone cut between them, making her turn away from within his reach.

She got out of bed with a smile, getting further away from him. Jaehyun was piqued by the look, wondering who it was. When her eyes drifted to him, Jaehyun felt like he'd been caught intruding on something private. As she turned away from him, the feeling grew stronger.

He picked up his phone in hopes that she wouldn't feel his invasion deeply. But his ears seemed to remain resolute on her; the awkward roll of her words, the clipped nature of her replies.

Once he heard the final farewell, Jaehyun turned back. He told himself he wouldn't ask because it simply wasn't his place.

"It was Johnny." She shook her phone screen at him.

Relief rushed into his veins like a cold wave crashing against a sun-baked beach.

It was Johnny. Just Johnny.

"He was talking about me?" Jaehyun asked, putting her words into context. She nodded.

"He wanted to tell me you were coming for the suit fitting tomorrow." She got back into bed, just within his reach again.

The statement took a moment to make sense to Jaehyun. Slowly, it dawned on him that Johnny was warning her. She was supposed to go with him, and he was telling her in case she wanted to avoid seeing Jaehyun. 

Because Jaehyun was the one who left and Johnny had been there when he did.

"That's very thoughtful of him," Jaehyun mumbled, meaning it genuinely.

She turned over to look at him, a passing look flashing over his eyes, so small that he should have missed it. But it was easy for him to catch because it was an emotion Jaehyun knew well. Guilt.

"He is a very thoughtful man." She shrugged. The words made him turn over to mirror her posture, to face her in earnest.

Johnny. His best friend. The best man Jaehyun knew.

It was so close, he thought. Just within his reach. He nodded instead, putting an arm around her but not grasping.

[chihirolovebot]

— 𝐒𝐇𝐔𝐈𝐂𝐇𝐈 𝐒𝐀𝐈𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀 + 𝐊𝐈𝐒𝐒 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓.

prompt: a gentle "i love you" whispered after a soft kiss, immediately followed by a stronger kiss. requested by anon <3

word count: 979

content: drv3 chapter 3 spoilers, mentions of death, angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, kissing.

by the time the third trial is over, you're tired.

exhausted, more like - but it's not about you. you keep a close eye on shuichi on the silent journey back to the dormitories, but he's eerily silent, gaze fixed upon the floor. you know how heavy his heart must be; you'd lost three friends today.

no matter what korekiyo turned out to be in the end, his loss stings. the pointlessness of angie and tenko's deaths smarts even worse, making you equal parts hurt and angry. but however low you feel, you know shuichi must feel worse. he carries too many burdens on his shoulders to not be blaming himself right now. when you slip your hand in his, worriedly, he barely reacts, and the skin is clammy under your grip.

the elevator hums around you. nobody speaks. himiko sniffles into her sleeve, and korekiyo's screams hang in your ears, blistering and ugly. you don't even have the energy to cry.

everybody heads off to bed silently. perhaps, in the morning, the peppier amongst you would do their best to repair the stilted, awkward silences with idle chitchat, but for now, nobody has the energy to pretend to be alright. even gonta looks withdrawn.

shuichi makes to step toward himiko, but hesitates. even in the blue-dark of dusk, you can see the guilt etched into his sharp features, and it makes your heart lurch painfully. the moment passes, and himiko locks herself firmly away in her dormitory room. you and shuichi are left in the hallway as the ringing silence presses in.

warily, he looks over to you. his hesitancy screams out, as though he'd terrified of seeing judgement or revulsion or even hatred in your expression, though of course there is only pity, and love, and sorrow. his hackles lower, but he looks no less tortured, not even when you pull gently at his hand and tug him into your room.

by the time you've locked and double-checked the door, shuichi has sunk down upon your bed, face in his hands. his shoulders shake slightly, but you don't think he's crying. he's generally quite loud when he does, no matter how he tries to gulp back his tears. you sort of love that about him - how incapable he is of hiding of he feels.

heart heavy in your chest and breathing past the lump in your throat, you wander over and card your fingers gently through his hair. he makes a noise, heartbreakingly small, when you touch him, like he can't compute the tenderness of it, and looks up at you with cinched eyes.

"i..." he tries, but his voice cracks and he clears his throat. "i - i'm sorry. you don't... have to babysit me, you know."

you wind a stray lock of his dark hair around your finger idly. are you committing the feeling of him to memory? the thought stabs ugly in your gut, like a horrible intrusive thought. does himiko remember what tenko's hair feels like?, you can't help but wonder. does she remember angie's voice?

"i just." you swallow hard. "i don't want to leave you alone right now. it's as much for me as it is for you."

something conflicted flits across shuichi's expression. you know the look -- he's straining to find a reason why he doesn't deserve something that he desperately wants. your hands cup the lower vertices of his face gently, and the cogs turning in his brain seem to slow; he stares up at you, slack-jawed and a little reverent as he always is when you touch him casually like this. like he can't quite believe you're real.

"you did everything you could," you whisper to him. shuichi flinches and tries to look away, but you hold his face firmly. "you did. none of us could have predicted what... the only reason we're all still here is because of you."

"it wasn't enough." his voice is strangled. "angie, tenko... even, even korekiyo. i should've - i should've done more, i should've seen it, i—"

"you can't do everything," you interrupt firmly. "i know you feel guilty, but you're not - you can't do it all by yourself. what do you think i'm here for, hm?"

when shuichi doesn't answer, you lean down and brush a kiss over his mouth. it's feather-light, giving him plenty of room to back out or pull away or protest, but he stays obediently still at the contact. you try not to think that any kiss could be your last when you meld your mouths together. it's gentle and fleeting like spring sunshine, but when you pull away he clings. you open your eyes, startled, only for your heart to jump at the sudden intensity in shuichi's face.

has he recognised it, too? that all your time together is irretrievably precious? that any time, even this second, might just be the last moment you spend together? his eyes are wide and bright and focused, cheeks flushed with sudden color.

"i love you," he murmurs. you blink at him, heat rushing to your face. there's no stammer in his voice, no uncertainty. he says it with finality, with that same iron you've only heard present at class trials, sealing some classmates' fate.

your stomach melts, tears spring to your eyes, and you kiss him again. it's less gentle this time, but maybe that's what you need. shuichi muffles a gasp at your sudden fervor, hands flying up to grip upon your upper arms as though to anchor himself to the present, and you push forward, holding his head firm until the kiss bruises, until he's breathless and his confession has moved from his mouth to yours where you'll keep it to savor the taste.

you knock your foreheads together, breathing quick. shuichi is in a similar state - almost panting and cheeks flushed scarlet. you take solace in his breathing while you can, and try to remember the taste of his kiss.

[lazyalani]

| Kazutora Hanemiya × [F!Reader]

| Flower Series #1

| Hyacinths [I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me.]

| angst, hurt/comfort?, hopeful ending, kazu just wants to be happy, he is just mentally unstable

| Summary: When the love of your life is your brother's killer, will you still choose to love him?

| Tokyo Revengers Masterlist

| Main Masterlist

Emma was crying in your shoulder.

It's painful. You thought after a several months that all of you would be fine again, but you were wrong. A year has passed and all of you are still grieving. Grieving because of your eldest brother, Shinichiro's death.

Mikey pulled both you and Emma close to him. His face was blank, he was trying to stay strong for everyone again.

It's Shinichiro's death anniversary today. To try and ease his little sisters' pains, he's trying to keep the burden to himself, you knew it. You wanted to scream at him and tell him he didn't have to stay tough all the time, but you couldn't, not now. You were too tired to do anything but hug your siblings back.

Mikey knew it too. Infact, he knew the exact reason why you're feeling worse than him and Emma. Who wouldn't? When the boy you love was the same boy who killed your eldest brother, Kazutora Hanemiya.

When you saw your brother's dead body and saw your lover getting arrested along with Baji, your whole world crumbled. The same brother who protected you from your bullies, the same brother who'd always be upset when you're sad, the same brother who always made you smile, was gone. And it was because the boy you love killed him. You were angry, you weren't furious but you were angry, disappointed. You knew his violence had something to do with his past, but you couldn't help it.

"It's time to visit him, don't you think?" Mikey had told you after the day of your brother's death anniversary. "Your mind and heart are clouded with anger. You will never be able to free yourself from the pain if you don't let it out. Talk to him, [Name]."

After a few days of thinking about it, you did. You were hesitant, you didn't want to spit out hurtful words to Kazutora. You wanted to visit him when you were ready.

"Nee-chan, let's face it, you will never be ready. Even if one day you say you're ready, if you face him, the anger will just come back. Just face it head on and set your heart free." Emma told you yesterday.

You were now sitting infront of Kazutora, your hands slightly shaking. From what? From anger? Sadness? Happiness?

"What are you doing here?" Kazutora asked you, his face devoid of any emotion.

You gripped the table and looked down, shutting your eyes as his voice rang in your head.

I hate him. I miss him. But it wasn't his fault. It's his fault. He didn't mean to, he didn't know it was Shin. It doesn't matter if he didn't know it was Shin, and he DID mean to.

Your mind was a mess. It was always a mess ever since your eldest brother died. A part of you was trying to convince yourself that it wasn't Kazutora's fault, but you knew if it wasn't Shin, it would still be someone else.

"Here to blame me? To shout at me?"

"Kazutora..."

"What? Here to say how much you hate me? Are you here to slap me or punch me?"

"No, I...."

"You what? YOU BLAME ME TOO, DON'T YOU?! JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE DOES!"

"I--"

"YOU'RE HERE TO YELL AT ME FOR KILLING YOUR PRECIOUS OLDER BROTHER!"

"SO WHAT IF I AM?!" You slammed your hands on the table and stood up.

Kazutora went silent, his face once filled with anger turning stone cold.

"So what I blame you?! So what if I yell at you?! So what if I say it's your fault?! It is isn't it?! No matter how much I want to convince myself it wasn't your fault, it is! I can never change that fact--- no one can!" You rambled on and on.

Kazutora was looking down. You couldn't see his face and decipher what he's thinking or feeling. It was like there was a dark, gloomy aura covering his face. Was it guilt? Anger? Sadness? But no matter what it is, you couldn't care less right now, you just wanted to let out your emotions and release them from your heavy heart.

"--and don't think I don't know that you've been blaming Mikey for this! Baji told me you've been mumbling about how it's Mikey's fault! Don't pull my last remaining brother on this! Stop putting others in your place! Stop blaming others for your sake! Accept your mistakes so your consience would stop eating you away!" You added on, tears dripping down your face.

The boy infront of you remained silent, his neck still bent down. In shame? In guilt? Is he mad? Is he angry? Is he going to lash out to you now?

"But you know what the worst is? Do you know what the worst feeling is?"

Seeing he has no plan on talking, you took it as a sign to continue. "The worst is no matter how much I hate you right now, I can't seem to loathe you! No matter how much I hate you, I can't seem to despise you! No matter how much I hate you, I can't seem to throw away all our memories together! Now matter how much I hate you.... I still love you..." You slid down your chair and sobbed, covering your face with your hands.

The room was filled with your sobs. There was no other noise other than your sobbing and sniffing. After a few seconds, you took a piece of your remaining courage and looked at Kazutora.

"Kazu...?"

A tear dripped from his face.

You gasped. "Kazu--"

He took a harsh breath. "Get out."

"Kazutor--"

"Get out!" This time, he looked up and it broke you when you saw his face full of his tears. He looked so broken.

You stood up and went for the door. "Kazu, I hate you, you know? But then again, I still love you, even after everything."

And you left.

"[Name]-chan!! There's a box for you here!" The old lady managing your apartment building shouted from downstairs.

You turned away from your food for a second. "Coming! I'm coming down! Just a second, please!" You ran to your kitchen and turned off the fire cooking your corns. Even after so many years, you still love the taste of the corn Shinichiro had introduced you from the Philippines.

You ran downstairs, wondering what could the box be for and who could've mailed them to you. What is a wrong address? No, the manager told you it was for you so it must have your name.

Honestly, a part of you was hoping it was from your brother, Mikey. Several years after Emma died, he moved out from the Sano residence and disappeared without a trace. He didn't even attend your grandfather's funeral. You wondered where he went and tried to call him nonstop when he disappeared and then you just saw him on TV not as a celebrity but as a Criminal boss. Really, you were so furious. You couldn't blame him for grieving, because you were grieving too, but you wrre furious at him for leaving without a word. Not even a letter.

The old lady smiled teasingly, seeing you run down from the stairs. "Hi dear, is there an admirer you're hiding from me?" She teasingly asked

You laughed. "No, Granny Mae, there is not." You answered.

"Oh? Then who is this from? The delivery man did not give a name."

You took the box and inspected it for any signs of who it is from. The box wasn't heavy, but it's not too light either.

Granny Mae went inside her office for a minute and came out, handing you a cutter to open the box.

You opened it and it revealed Purple Hyacinths.

There were also a few chocolates underneath, and a letter.

Granny Mae's face softened and a tender look relaced the once excited look on her face.

"[Name], dear, do you know what these flowers mean?" She asked you.

You looked at her, then back at the flowers and blinked. "Umm, no?"

She chuckled. "Whoever has hurt you in the past, is saying sorry."

You took the box with the chocolates and flowers in your apartment and went in your room.

You sat on the bed and opened the letter. There were only five words, but those five words became everything to you. Coming from him, these words are much more than the three words you told him when you last saw him. Kazutora Hanemiya.

I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me.

[down-in-devildom]

Hello! I saw that your request is open. Can I request for some hcs for the brothers with a very giving mc, but when they try to do something nice for them they get defensive/guilty like "who are you why are you nice to me I'M the nice one here, don't do nice things for me I feel bad?!?" And tries not to burden them in any way. Thank you! I love the way you write uwu

Thank you for the request! Also, I hope people will let others do nice things for them without thinking they don't deserve it or something. You are worth being treated well!!!😤 I also had a hard time naming this request...

Brothers react to MC not accepting returned favors 

cw: guilt tripping(?)

Lucifer

Lucifer was enjoying a date with MC after completing a sizable portion of his work early thanks to them lending a hand. They were dining at the Ristorante Six when he noticed MC scanning the menu very intensely

The grimace the MC did every so often raises some concerns for him. When the MC says that they want to order a small soup of the day, Lucifer looks at them with a raised brow

He could have sworn MC would be famished after having their lunch stolen from them by Beelzebub around noon. MC could not have possibly have had the time to eat a snack, what with all the paperwork and organizing they did for him after classes to try to lighten his workload

When Lucifer asked if that would be enough, MC's stomach let out a mighty roar in response. Lucifer was now suspicious that MC was holding back for some reason so he decides to order the food for the both of them. He signals for a waiter and makes sure to order MC's soup of the day as well as a dish or two he believes would be to their taste

When MC starts to protest about not wanting to be a burden and have him pay a fortune, Lucifer waves off the concerns and assures them they needn't worry about that. Besides, he wants nothing more than for MC to enjoy themselves after helping him earlier

"I don't want to burden you and make you pay for my meal. I am always happy to help but I don't want you to feel obligated to do something in return."

Lucifer is taken aback before he sighs and gives MC a serious and pointed look. "I am a demon that takes pride in my ability to deal out suitable punishments and rewards as I see fit. It will do you well not to question my generosity"

Mammon

Mammon felt like he was in debt to MC for helping him study and pass his latest exam. He could not afford to fail his fourth semester in a row without Lucifer finding out and skinning him alive! He doesn’t normally feel the need to do anything to actually pay people back, but he felt like he really owed MC for this one

When Mammon and MC were visiting the flea market to find some cool trinkets that can probably be resold for a profit on Akuzon, he noticed the MC’s gaze lingering on a small golden ring with intricate engravings. He makes a bit of a show of paying for the ring before losing some of his bravado and shoving his hand in the MC’s face and demanding they take it

MC looks a bit confused before thinking it was something that Mammon thought would resell well and tried to put it in the basket they carried to hold the rest of their haul

“No, ya got it all wrong. I got it for ya to- ya know- thank ya for helpin’ me the other day. I woulda been a goner without you...or something” he mumbles while trying not to look directly at them

“That’s funny and all but what’s the catch? I’m pretty sure you don’t normally give away things or do anything without expecting anything in return”

Although MC does not appear to mean any harm from the comment, it kind of stung a little for Mammon. They can’t seem to grasp that they were special and he WANTED to give them things.

Mammon becomes a bit more sullen about the ordeal and may not give anything directly to the MC from then on. He will opt instead to leave little trinkets in their room or claim he found some trash he needed to get rid of (even though it would clearly be something of value). He does not really know how to show his thanks in any other way so he is kind of stuck in a cycle of trying to backhandedly show his gratitude without his motives being questioned

Satan

Satan’s room was an absolute mess, more so than usual, when MC was kind enough to lend a hand in helping him organize his massive collection of books into something a little less chaotic

He found an ancient tome full of old runes and herbal medicines that he thought he saw MC flipping through while taking a quick break from organizing his things, and assumed it would be a nice token of his gratitude. It was inlaid with gold leaf and the engraved relief on the cover was done with a clearly skilled hand, making the old book really stand out

“Please, take this tome as payment for your time. I would have lost my mind, surely, if you did not help me in my time of need, like you did”

MC’s eyes widened with surprise before seeming to nod and say they would return the book to him later, after they take down some notes for their next hex exam. When he clarifies that he wishes for them to keep the book, MC looked taken aback

“I couldn’t possibly take one of your books! I don’t expect anything for helping you out and you shouldn’t feel the need to pay me back for something I was more than willing to do anyway. It is kind of weird for you to want to give away your books like this when you closely monitor anybody else that takes them”

Satan’s eyebrow twitches just the slightest and he has to keep his smile in place to try to not alarm MC when his irritation spikes slightly. They don’t seem to understand that him thanking them with a gift versus him guarding his collection from Mammon are two different things entirely

He leans a bit into the MC’s space with his smile still plastered on and looks them dead in the eyes. “Do you mean to tell me that the tome is not to your liking?” MC kind of feels forced to take the book and thanks Satan before making a hasty retreat to their own room. Satan takes the newfound space to clear his mind and start thinking of other ways that he can possibly approach the matter in the future without pressuring MC into accepting his generosity

Asmodeus

Asmo’s life and reputation was saved when MC responded to his emergency text asking for a very specific shirt to be brought to his photoshoot. One of the assistant demons did NOT get the memo when he said that he was more of a skull-scream peach kind of guy then a wailing-melon toned guy and the outfit assembly was not doing his beautiful complexion any favors

When Asmo got out from his shoot, he felt like he absolutely had to repay MC for going out of the way for him. He went straight to Majolish and picked out a new outfit for them that he was sure they would look absolutely fantastic in and then hurried home to wrap it up nicely 

Asmo presents the gift with flourish before asking for the MC to open it so he can watch their reaction. Asmo was not disappointed by the stunned look on their face and the silent ‘o’ their mouth made, but got a little put out when they said they could not possibly accept it. Didn’t they like it? Surely he did not pick something that wasn’t to their taste

“I can’t accept this, Asmo, it is way too sweet and generous of a gift! I had to go in the direction of your shoot today anyway so it wasn’t a burden to drop off your shirt. Please don’t reward me for something like that!”

Asmo has met a variety of demons and people over the millenia and can tell that there was something about the gift itself that was making them uncomfortable. He still is firm with them and insists that if he spent the grimm on them, they should take the gift, but starts thinking of other ways to maybe show his thanks in the future

Do words of praise and gratitude make them squirm? How about physical affection? Would a kiss count as a thanks they are willing to accept? He sure hopes so but he wants to show he appreciates them and will try to show it in any way possible until they accept it

Beelzebub

Beelzebub was starving! More so than usual and that is not a pretty sight. He was at RAD during one of the classes when he noticed that his snack bag had mysteriously gone missing when he tried to reach in to pull out a protein bar. His stomach loudly protested and he was starting to eye up some of his classmates as if they were on the menu. MC saved the day when they came rushing in with the aforementioned missing snack bag, that they found in the hallway

Beel was able to happily munch away for the rest of the lesson and it seemed like the whole class let out a collective sigh of relief. Beel was very grateful for the MC taking the time to deliver him his snack bag and decided to treat them to Hell’s Kitchen after school 

MC agreed to go willingly and ordered their food while Beel asked for well over half the menu. After they ate, Beel reached for the tab but found slight resistance when he finally looked at the bill and saw MC’s hand was also on it. When Beel stated that it was his treat for them saving him early, he was met with some pushback

“Please do not feel like you have to pay for me. Giving you the snack bag was for everybody’s benefit, so it actually came from a place of selfishness, really. I do not deserve you paying for me.”

Beel’s heart pinged a little at that. Did MC mean he was so close to losing control that they only helped him out of pity? Out of fear? He knew he was a big and his hunger knew no end, but it kind of hurt to be seen as a threat that needed to be controlled with readymade snack bags like that

Beel kind of shakes it off quickly enough and starts to think that maybe they just didn’t like the meal as much as him and was trying to spare him from paying for something they didn’t really want. He takes the time to watch MC over the next few days to see if there are other foods that they may like better. That was the problem, right? Maybe something from Madam Screams was more their style? How about that crepes stand in the park that was super delicious?

Belphegor

Belphegor was not having a great day. For one, he was awake and for two, he was tasked with doing laundry for HoL this week and he was super behind on his assigned chore. If Asmo pestered him one more time about properly separating out the colors and Lucifer lectured him about how to properly fold fitted sheets, he may just have to be imprisoned in the attic again. Luckily for him, MC took some time out of their schedule to help him finish quicker

Belphie was thankful enough that he figured he could allow them to nap with him as an award. Do not mind the fact that MC always takes naps with him but this time can be a little bit special. He nicked a projector from RAD the following day and set it up in the attic so that it would project constellations on the walls and ceilings. He also made a really comfortable pillow fort for them to share. This took a lot of work on Belphie’s part so it was a privilege for MC to join him

When the MC finally arrived at the attic after Bephie texted them to meet him up there, they were not expecting the space to be turned into such a nice and cozy room. Belphie explained that it was as a thank you for the help the other day after they kept just standing in the doorway. He then demanded they came and laid down with him

“You didn’t have to put all this work into making this space for me! It was just folding laundry. It wasn’t that big of a deal, I promise”

Belphie turns his back on them and kind of pouts into his pillow. If they don’t appreciate him sacrificing sleep to make them happy and feel appreciated, then who cares. He can nap just fine by himself and he is hard press to prove the point

After the MC stands there for a little bit and then finally decides to join him in the pillow fort, Belphie ignores them for a bit. Neither of them move from their spots until Belphie sighs and rolls over to use their chest as a pillow. If all this work really was for nothing, he might as well enjoy his well-earned nap better with a warm body pillow

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hmmmmmmmmmmmmm....I gave up on proof reading this part way so I hope it is okie dokie

-Leo