#without crying for genuinely weeks after because i was so scared my mother would do that to me again

[binch-i-might-be]

me? I'm nauseous

[elliewritessncries]

Invisible string 2 | Pre-outbreak!Joel x reader

Part 1

Warnings: swearing. English is not my first language.

It was a Saturday morning, not even 6 am, and you were already on your way to work. It seemed like all you did these days was work, but it was necessary. The family business, a small restaurant, wasn't booming, but it was slowly picking up.

Since your dad had skipped town with his mistress, Tony, your older brother had taken the business into his busy hands and decided to implement some changes to get more customers which included free coffee all morning with meals and occasional catering events, which meant starting to work very early and ending in the middle of the night. Hence, you were up since 5:34 am and on your way to work.

As you walked past the Millers' house, you saw the old red pickup truck in the driveway and sighed. Evelyn Miller returned three days after leaving despite swearing she never would. That was a twist you never expected, but it was still a pleasant surprise.

Then, a week after returning, she left again, this time in the middle of the night, without any screaming or fights. Joel only noticed her absence when their daughter cried and cried after her mom had supposedly gone to check her.

"She left the signed divorce papers on the kitchen table. My poor boy was so heartbroken. I don't think he’s signed his part yet," said Diana Miller to your mom on the phone that night.

Without noticing it, you had stopped walking, too engrossed in your thoughts to keep going. And you stayed looking directly at the blue suburban house in a trance, broken suddenly by a disheveled Joel Miller walking out of his front door with a baby carrier in one hand, a monstrous diaper bag along his lunch bag in the other, and keys in his mouth threatening to fall at the wrong move.

One part of you wanted to keep walking like you should've done the day Evelyn and Joel fought in front of half the town. Things are easier like that. Not getting involved is always the most comfortable path, but you have never been the person to take easy roads. Not by choice, of course.

While Joel struggled with deciding whether it was more correct to put his lunch and diaper bag on the back of the truck or his baby daughter, you took a few hesitant steps his way. Your heartbeat in your throat threatened to choke you, but you kept walking for whatever reason.

As you reached Joel, you cleared your throat, not knowing how else to start the interaction, but it was clearly a mistake as he made a small jump, scared by your sudden presence, and dropped the keys from his mouth. The noise straddled his daughter, who was previously sleeping, and she began to cry.

"Shit," Joel mumbled and finally put the bags in his dirty cargo bed.

"Oh, I'm so, so sorry, Joel. I didn't mean to," you apologized profusely as he took his daughter out of the carrier and cradled her to his chest, shushing and bouncing her to calm her down.

"No, no. It's fine. She always cries like this; it’s her nature." He said nonchalantly, giving a tight-lipped smile that convinced you he was lying for your sake. It was a very Joel thing to do, according to his mother, but it was so obvious it wasn't fine. His eyes were red from the lack of sleep, and his underbags had underbags. As the baby calmed down, he sighed and adjusted her in his arms. "See? No problem. She calms down pretty easily, she just likes to be held." He smiled, a genuine smile, as he looked down at his daughter.

"I'm still sorry for scaring her." You smiled apologetically, looked to the floor, and saw his keys. He would definitely be unable to pick them up with the baby girl in his arms, so you decided to bend down and pick them up for him. "Here," you handed him his keys. He took them carefully so as to not bother the kid. "I- I actually came because you looked like you were struggling a little... do you need any help getting your things in the truck?"

"Umm- oh! I- yes, please," he said, surprised by the offer, but handed you the keys anyway. "Could you open the truck for me? Please, I just- I think I carried more than I can. I just didn't want to leave her inside alone or in the truck alone," he explained to you while you went around to the driver's side to unlock the car and returned to open the door on his side. "Thank you."

"No problem," you smiled at him. "I get it. Both seem like bad options," you chuckled and changed the topic while he buckled the baby again to the carrier. "Are you bringing her to your mom's house?" You asked both for the gossip and to keep the conversation pleasant.

"No, I- well, I'm actually takin’ her with me to work." He scratched his neck, cringing at his words. He knew that wasn't the best idea, but it is what it is.

"Oh-" It was your time to be surprised, "...you're taking your baby to the construction site?" You asked very slowly with a half-open mouth due to the surprise, to make sure he heard all the words and corrected you, but he didn't.

"Something like that," Joel looked down at his daughter in the carrier, "she's goin’ to be there, but outside the house where it's safe and with many, many blankets, and the guys and I are gonna check on her constantly." Now, he smiled awkwardly, clearly seeing that his plan was not ideal... or good.

"That's definitely... a plan," you say, unsure what else to say. Joel nods and hums.

There is silence for a moment; neither Joel nor you say anything because what else is there to say?

He knows his plan sucks. It's the middle of autumn, and while it's not that cold in Texas, the chilly air is not appropriate for such a tiny baby. And the fact that he wants to take a baby that cries to the sound of keys falling to the floor to a construction site... Well, that's a bad idea.

While Joel's mind digs possible ways to make his idea work, you also think about his situation. "Why is his mom not taking care of the baby?" You think. Diana Miller is a doting mother, even more doting grandmother. She loves baby Sarah wholeheartedly and even encourages Joel to let the girl at home with her. But while that question runs through your head, an idea pops up, pushing and screaming to be noticed:

"I can take care of her," you blurt out before the idea completely solidifies in your brain. Joel quickly turns his head to you, his expression hopeful yet unsure. "I mean… I could do it if you want and don't have anyone else to care for her. I've babysat before," you say in a more sure tone to him, as you feel it's too late and too rude to take the idea off the table.

And, surely, you're not a bad choice to take care of a baby, especially his baby. You are not a complete stranger to him, far from it. While not close friends, Joel and you have gravitated around each other your whole lives. The fact that you went to the same schools forever or live four houses apart is an example of this, but, more importantly, he knows very well you've always been an excellent babysitter.

While Joel didn't get the firsthand experience, being only a year younger than you, he witnessed your babysitting skills from when Diana trusted you to care for her younger son, Tommy, more than she trusted Joel.

Joel thought about it for a moment. Was he ready to leave his baby alone with a stranger (for her)? Would Sarah approve? Was he seriously passing on the fantastic opportunity that magically presented itself to him to have his daughter in a safe place instead of the middle of a construction site?

"No." Shit, he said it out loud.

"Oh, it's fine. Didn't mean to intrude," you say, blushing from the rejection.

"No!" He exclaims loudly, extending his hand for you as if asking you to wait and not leave. Sarah made a noise from the carrier, bothered by the noise, so he lowered his voice. "I mean, no, yes! That's a fantastic idea, please," he said with a slight tone of desperation.

“Seriously? If you’re not sure it’s fine, I can take her to your mom’s if you’re more comfortable…”

“No.” He says quickly. “We aren’t on speakin’ terms right now,” he said scratching the back of his neck awkwardly and, even though you were dying of curiosity to ask why, you decided that was a far too personal topic to treat with someone who wasn’t even your friend, so you just smiled and nodded.

“Well, I’m actually going to the restaurant today, but if you don’t mind I can take her there, I’m only on counter duty today so I can pay all my attention to her,” you shrugged.

Now, the idea was not bad, you’re an experienced babysitter who’s done entire projects while babysitting up to 5 kids, you’ve worked while you watch kids too, but he’s a new parent and the idea of you taking your eyes off his baby for more than a second can be scary to say the least, so you have to flash out all the information.

He doubts it for a moment, perhaps a little long, but ultimately nods. A restaurant is far safer than a construction site. Way less hammers and all. He doesn’t know how much Sarah would like it, but it’s only for today.

“Yes, it’s no problem, I’ve seen you do volcanoes while cooking mac and cheese and talking to Tommy, I think you can handle it,” he chuckles and makes you laugh a little too. “Thank you, seriously,” he says with infinite gratitude. “How much would it be?”

You’re struggling for money, but so is he. At least you live with your parents mom, at least you don’t pay rent, at least you don’t have a daughter. You know a job is a job and you have to charge for it despite what your weak heart says, but something about his big brown puppy eyes made you cave to your emotions and shake your head.

“It’s nothing, Joel, I never charge the session when I meet the kids,” that’s true, to a certain degree. At least that’s how you worked with the rich families back in Pennsylvania, when you only met the kids and went home instead of babysitting them that day.

“Please no, it’s only fair to pay you, you’ll be taking time from your work,” he insists out of politeness and his natural kindness, but free childcare, even if it's for one day only, is a blessing with the bills he’s to pay.

You shook your head. “No, I insist. Besides, it was my idea.”

He says your name disapprovingly. Your big weak heart is your best and most destructive trait. But ultimately he agrees.

“I’ll pay you eventually, count on it.” You chuckle and nod dismissing his comment, he takes the diaper bag and gives it to you, “here’s everything you need for her. Diapers, a clothing change, another clothing change, formula, bottles, wipes. I think I packed medicine too if she gets sick, and I packed her a toy, and blankets.” He shows you everything in the bag.

“It’s fine, I get it,” you grab the bag and wait for him to give you Sarah’s carrier. “I promise to take the best care of her.”

He nods looking at her with so much love in his eyes that makes him sigh, “please.”

He passes you the baby and grabs his brown paper bag with his lunch from the bed of the truck, then an idea pops into his head.

“Hop in, I’ll give you a ride to the restaurant, it’s on my way anyway.”

You nod and get in the truck. He gets Sarah’s seat secured and you’re on your way to work, a little too late and with a baby. What a turn.

[hetalia-club]

Another rant about my ex hopefully the last one ever as I decided in some self reflecting to distance myself from him entirely, hopefully not even acquaintances.

I need to vent to someone, the problem is I don't have anyone I'm comfortable enough IRL to share all this with without them giving me those sad eyes and a 'there there'. So I'm using my blog. You don't have to read this. feel free to scroll on by. If you don't get triggered easily I would like if you did, you don't have to give me feed back or advice, I'm not looking for that. I'm mostly wanting to get what he did to me in the open so I can hopefully move on with my life. Throwing it into the void of the internet is better than writing it into a book and locking it in a drawer forever. People have to know how terrible he was to me. He shouldn't get off scot-free and have happiness while I still suffer. I tried to keep this as vague as possible and I'm not going to go into deep detail of all my abuse because a lot of it I still don't want to face for myself. Tw for abuse of all kinds. If you read this and at any point think "Hey that sounds kind of like my relationship." This is your wake up call to run far far away and not look back.

I Would just like to put it out there that I am NOT still in love with my ex. I hate that mother fucker. I hate that I probably gave him a confidence boost by trying to get back together. He does not deserve that. He deserves to be as miserable as he made me for 5 years. I genuinely believe he is objectively a terrible person. I know him very well and he is a very manipulative person. I don't think he truly cares about anyone but himself. I think the only reason he wants a GF is for someone to take care of his house chores and 'other' needs. That's it. He does not enjoy being in relationships. He does not like having serious conversations and he is mean as hell when you try and make him do something he does not want to do...which is anything. And he also won't tell you he didn't want to do it until after he did it and then he'll make your life miserable all week.

Was I just 'jealous' that he moved on? No, I don't think that's even correct really. I Truly think I'm petty and I don't want him to be happy. I want him to stay alone and miserable because that's all he deserves really. He mentally abused me for actual years why should he get to have a new girlfriend? He doesn't deserve one. He also STILL has not told me he's seeing anyone which I find INSANE because he texts me all the time. I normally reply lately I've been ignoring him. I know now that I mentioned getting back together he thinks I 'want him' and he gets off on the idea that I'm 'waiting around for him'. Well truly it couldn't be further from the truth. I think I hate him. I hate how he treated me, I hate how he moved on and I hate how he refuses to tell me, I hate his stupid Jeep Truck, I hate his temper, I hate his stupid uggo face, I hate his body, I hate his mustache he never trims no matter how many times I asked, I hate how he would bully me into crying and then once I started crying he would tell me I was over reacting and try and frame it like I were the crazy one and I would believe that I was. You don't have to beat someone to abuse them....Right? No he wouldn't do that...he loves me, he says so all the time so he must mean it, right? Some men are more upfront about their abuse, others hide it in crafty little ways eating away at you until you believe you are the problem. It MUST be you right? He keeps saying so. I mean... he's never hit you. He's never threatened you or scared you, he's never hurt you, or has he? Honestly you can't really remember, but it doesn't sound like something he would do. And he said he didn't. You're just over reacting like he says. You're hysterical. You need help. You should get therapy to make his life easier. You should stop bothering him so much with 'relationship problems' that you probably caused. You're such a bad partner. You're lucky he's with you. Who would want to be? You're actually crazy! You're losing your mind. He said jump, now ask him how high. He bought you designer clothes, how could he be abusive? He spent so much money on you! So what if he just wants you to do 'a little something' to pay him back for it later? It's not asking much. Those sunglasses were 600 dollars. It's just thirty minutes of your life it'll be over soon, don't be dramatic. Oh my god! It's not even that big of a deal you're over reacting again. He said he loves you, if you love him you should give him these things he wants, he gives you what you want, right? right?

Just a small story to help you understand the kind of relationship I was in for 5years. One weekend he asks me if I want to go out to eat. I agree. He tells me I can pick the place. I say I want Outback. I was super into Cheese Fries these few months and they have really good ones. He said okay. Didn't say it didn't sound good or maybe we eat someplace else. He said it sounded good and he would pick me up at 7, cool.

He picks me up and we're talking about dumb shit on the way to town we live in the middle of nowhere so it's a 45 minute drive to any decent civilization. Well about half way there I just casually ask him if he called ahead at Outback. This was right after Covid when everything just started to open back up, so places were doing limited seating, so I knew we would have to call or there was no way we would get a table. He said that, "yes" he did in fact call and he told them 8. After he said this our previous conversation just sort of stopped I would say something and he would give me like a one word answer but he was being really quiet. I knew something was up but didn't pry because he doesn't like that.

We get to Outback, go inside and I ask him. "did you give them your name?" as we wait in line at the host booth. He straight ignores me, pretends i didn't say a word. We finally get up there and i look at him and he just stars ahead at noth and I'm like "Um 2 for 8 under *his last name*" The lady was like "Yeah we don't have anything for 2 at eight at all." I look at him and i was like "Didn't you call?" And he was like "Hua? What? No..." And I was like. "Dude you said you called when i asked you in teh car?" and he goes. "You never asked me if i called, if you did i would have told you no." And i was like. "Why are you lying? I'm not stupid you can't tell me i didn't ask you that it was 20 minutes ago my memory isn't that bad. and he goes. "Okay well I didn't call!" In a loud whisper and then I look to teh lady and was like do you have anything? And she was like it's a 2 hour wait.

So I'm pissed obviously, he's pissed for whatever reason. We leave and when we get back in the car I was like. "Why did you lie to me about something so stupid?" And he starts SCREAMING. Telling me "He knew this would happen" That "I'm just mad because I didn't get my way" That I'm "Spoiled" and "I know you're just mad because we can't eat at Outback you always get this way about food!" and you know I was pretty pissed we were no longer eating at Outback seeing how he told me I could pick the place and I told him I wanted cheese fries. But I was mainly pissed that he just lied to me about something so dumb to my face and like I wouldn't find out when we got there. So he's yelling at me and I'm just sort of meekly trying to plead my case while he flies off the handle like a crazy person over something so dumb. And I was like "Just take me home, I don't want to be here anymore." he panics and was like. "I'm not taking you home I drove all this way to eat I'm not wasting money on gas because you're throwing a bitch fit. Pick somewhere else." So I picked Roadhouse, they also have cheese fries, not as good but beggars can't be choosers. I could tell that this choice irritated him. But he begrudgingly called and I could hear the phone conversation because it was just me and him in the car and the guy on the phone said it was only a 45 minute wait. He got of the phone and looked me in teh eyes and lied to me again saying they said "it was a two hour wait there to." I didn't tell him I heard the dude on the phone say only 45 minutes because I didn't know how he would react and honestly. It's been like 30 minutes now of just sitting in the car and him screaming at me so I'm just like "Pick anywhere I don't fucking care I would rather you took me home but just pick someplace. I will eat road kill at this point if we can just stop fighting" He insisted I pick so I was like "Okay Chilies, let's go there no one is ever there." They also have cheese fries, and our Chilies sucks so there truly is no one ever there idk how they are even still open, I believe it may be some sort of Mafia front, that is the only explanation. The parking lot is always empty.

Then he flips it... See this is how you start to see just how he would wear me down mentally until I just gave up. He goes. "Why do you always get to pick the place we eat?" And I was like "You told me to!" And he was like "Only because You'll get mad if I say anything about where we eat, see you're so mad at me now because we can't eat at Outback like you wanted everything is about you. You never ask where I want to eat." And I was like. "OMG WTF are you talking about!?" which was the first time I raised my voice this entire conversation. So he starts punching the steering wheel over and over again. So hard that the car is literally shaking and he broke the volume control button on his steering wheel. I'm just sitting there looking at him like 😒 when he stops there is like five minutes of silence as he just glares ahead of us in the parking lot and he goes. "How about *insert name of our local sushi place*" And I'm like "That's fine, let's just go anywhere." Then. There is a complete 180 on his personality. He's all smiles on the drive there, opening up a conversation about something (can't remember what) and I'm still seething inside because, that was all so stupid and immature. When we get there it's an hour and 1 1/2 wait and he tells the guy "yeah that's fine we'll wait" Like fuck you...we could have stayed at Outback. I still want French fries you bitch you took me to maybe the one place in town I can't order cheese fries, the whole reason we are out tonight, because I told you I was craving cheese fries. He took me to the bar and he was all flirty and he bought me an expensive drink with his typical. "Anything you want baby" Okay sure anything I want except fucking cheese fries, I guess! This is how he would get when he were trying to show off. But it was all just a mask he could take on and off as easily as normal people blink their eyes. I asked him. "So what was that punching the steering wheel all about?" And he was like. "What do you mean?" And I was like. "How you were repeatedly punching the steering wheel, why were you doing that? Was that supposed to be me or what?" Well if you guessed denial and gaslighting you would be right, though it happened less than 2 hours ago. According to him "I never did that. what are you talking about? I mean I put my hand on the steering wheel but I never punched it." So I dropped it. Why argue with someone who is a pathologically liar? We fought a lot because I never knew when he was telling me the truth because he would lie all the time about the dumbest shit, stuff he KNEW I was there for, conversations he denied happening. Ones I could literally prove with text messages and he would tell me, you took that the wrong way.

These are the kind of fights we had CONSTANTLY. (Along with some other bigger ones involving other things) So yes. They did start to feel normal. Being told I didn't know what I was talking about when I knew better was just a weekly occurrence. I always assumed he was lying to me. He eventually succeeded in convincing me I was 'crazy' and I went and got a major increase on my medication, with the promise from him that he would go to therapy for his anger issues, never happened. He all but forced me to go get on the birth control shot because I couldn't take the pill, it makes me violently ill and I have morning sickness while on it and am miserable every day. And the shot absolutely destroyed my hormones and I don't think my body ever recovered from it to this day. Which he assured me he would pay for, and then after the third shot I asked to him why hasn't he paid me back he claims this never happened and he never said he would pay for my birth control and why would he? It's not his birth control (okay crazy was of looking at it, i guess this is only for me then) So I told him I was going to go off of it because it was 300 bucks every month and I had to drive all the way to Fort Wayne to a woman's clinic. He said "No don't go off it I'll pay" he paid for it once, saw how much it was and was like "Fuck that" Also funnily enough the shot made me lose ALL attraction to him. Once it got regulated in my system I and nothing for him anymore, he disgusted me. Everything he said and did gave me the ick. I was in denial for about 2 years and tried to convince myself I did find him attractive and that it would come back eventually, never did. Both of these were medical abuse btw, I am aware of that now.

So as you can imagine as I was not attracted to him anymore I hardly wanted to sleep with him. But he would guilt trip me for it until I would feel bad and just do whatever he wanted. Even going as far as to mess with me in my sleep, I would pretend I didn't know but I did. It always made me so sad that the next morning he would act as though nothing happened, I know he knew I was awake, I am an extremely light sleeper. It's almost like he liked the idea that I didn't say anything to him about it. But he also knew I wouldn't say anything because I don't like confrontation and I knew he would deny it anyway. And this is just straight up SA

The entire idea of a new relationship to me now just feels so...what's the word I want? Tainted maybe? I don't think I believe in romantic love. I don't think he deserves love. I also don't think he's capable of giving love. I don't think he'll ever change, he has told me before. "This is who I am and I'm not changing for you or anybody." he truly believes he is a nice and good person which is the worst part. He thinks he's just fine the way he is. That everyone else is the problem. But the way I see it there is a common denominator. I should have realized when we first got together that his apprehension to tell me about ANY of his past girlfriends was odd. Not even their names. I still don't know who he's all dated or how many people or anything. Even if he insisted I give him my entire sexual history basically on the first month of our relationship. But I ask him who his last GF was and he gets all "You shouldn't be asking me that, the past is the past, don't worry about it" I thought that was weird he didn't even want to tell me names your GF knowing who your most current ex is, is not weird, it's very normal. He never spoke about them, it was like they never existed. But I knew he dated a girl with a kid once. I asked him about it and he pretended to not know who I was talking about, of course surprise surprise. Before we got together I overheard his cousin at a party say that he is a "very sneaky guy and a liar". She didn't say it in a nice way either she said it with a lot of distain like she was speaking from past experience. She was calling him for what he was and I wish I would have absorbed what she had said. I wish I would have asked her "What do you mean?" I wish could go back in time and tell myself not to say yes to a date with him. I should have known that the first time we ever hung out he pressured me to do things even though I pushed him away multiple times and he kept moving his hand back. I should have know he was terrible I should have been able to see it. I hate myself for not seeing it. I would always give him the benefit of the doubt, I would blame myself for not speaking up, not calling him out. But I know it was all him. He had me right where he wanted me, he knew me better than anyone he knew what I wouldn't react to out of social anxiety. I hate myself, but I hate him more for what he's done to the way I look at all men. Oh how I hate them! They all unfairly get blamed for the way he treated me and it's not fair. I hate that I meet a new man and assume he is terrible, a wolf in sheep's clothing. A liar and manipulator. I always wonder, what is he like when he gets mad? What does he think about the word no? I hate it. I've never hated anyone more. The worst part is I can't let him go. He is still in my mind after 7 months he still creeps in and I think about him. I wonder what he's doing, how he's doing. I hate it. And sometimes i miss him. But why? Why do I miss his abuse? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with him? Why do I fantasies about men who would treat me badly after being with him? Why do I feel like I'm not worthy of being treated like a decent human? Why do I only write relationships that are toxic and depressing with abuse and then apologies only for it to happen again? Is it a way of self therapy or is it something I really secretly desire? Why do I think that's what a relationship should be? Why can't I get him out of my head? Why can't I write cutesy romance with 'love' and kisses, why does it always turn into a tragedy? Why does it not feel like a good 'love' story until I've written abuse in some way? with someone hurting teh others what should be beyond repair for them to just forgive and forget? You all want to know like...the worst part honestly? In hindsight he kinda ugly fuckin' tho, fucking tragic. Like he's not even hot. What's the damn point.

[juneipertree]

My Entire Life, Start to Finish

Years Zero to Five

Infant reflexes

I, Ruby Juniper Georgina Hosick-Dunn was born a (mostly) healthy baby at six pounds and nine ounces. I was two weeks late, brutally forced out of my Mother by oxytocin and the brute strength that is the female body into this world. I was kicking and moving but one crucial thing was noticeable, I was not screaming, my umbilical cord had managed to find its way around my neck and was, literally, sucking the life out of me before I could even get a taste for it, for about thirty seconds until my doctor whisked me away and gave me new life. After that I was okay. I was instantly grasping, rooting, and sucking for my mom. When I asked about the moro, stepping, and babinski reflex my parents genuinely could not recall any conversations about them but my Mum says that I was a healthy, average baby who definitely hit all these requirements.

^ two day old Ruby and Dad!

Attachment & Stranger anxiety

Starting as an infant I was very attached to my Mum, being a stay-at-home parent while my Dad was working at CITR. When I was six weeks old I got really sick, it turned out to be a very nasty flu but before they figured it out my Mum and I had to be isolated while every medical test possible was administered to me. I can’t imagine how scary this was to my new young parents but I do know it started a very intense attachment for both me and my Mum. I did, however, have absolutely no stranger anxiety, I would interact with anyone and was never scared when strangers would hold me or talk to me. My Mum says that once I could talk (which was much earlier than other kids, about a year I could say very basic caveman speech) I would speak to every person I would see in grocery stores, parks, or wherever we went.

^ three months old being sociable and showing off my stepping reflex

Erik Erikson #1 Trust vs. Mistrust

This one is a no-brainer; I was so cared for and loved I trusted people and was never scared of the world as a child.

Imprinting & Contact Comfort

I absolutely imprinted onto my parents, and also on a select few of my parents’ friends whom I would consider family to this day, I have been surrounded by people, whether they are blood-related to me or not the people I would still consider my family to this day. 

My parents have always been super cuddly, I was never not being held growing up and I am so grateful for it because it has definitely made my love language physical touch. I was a baby with a secure attachment to my parents, so much so my parents could never leave me because I would scream and cry instantly without them, even when I was just going to sleep, I would not sleep if they weren't with me. 

Jean Piaget’s Cognitive Sensorimotor Stage

Touching, feeling, sucking, I was a curious child who wanted to learn everything. Object permanence is still a problem for me now but I do remember playing peek-a-boo a lot when I was young.

^ age three!

Kohlberg Morality - Preconventional

"Clean your toys or no dessert", "Eat your vegetables or no TV". When I was very small my mum's word was law. I was a very good child who always listened and I never wanted punishment, I didn't like upsetting my parents which is definitely something they instilled in me. When my morality developed I quickly learned that if I did good things than my parents would praise me or my teachers would like me more and give me an extra cookie at preschool or let me be the first in line to recess.

Erik Erikson #2 Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt

I was properly potty trained with bribery, the movie Happy Feet was the bargaining chip in question. This made me confident and outspoken as a child, I knew what I liked and disliked and could express myself easily

Motor Development

After asking my Mum all about my infancy I have come to the conclusion that I was a pretty average baby, which I can only imagine was a huge relief to my parents. I hit all of my six motor milestones I could sit all by myself at four months and stand with help at six months. Now one thing I never did was crawl. Around five months old, I would scoot around, with one leg in front of me and one behind I would essentially use my baby arm’s brute strength to propel myself in whatever direction and it was so fast and efficient that I just never wanted to crawl. Arms reaching and hands being held I could walk with the help of someone by eight months and I could push myself to stand by a year but I was a very late bloomer when it came to walking. My hips took a bit longer to develop than others and were too loose to hold my body weight so I was a very late walker at eighteen months.

^ This is the scooting position, do NOT ask me to recreate this I don't even know how I did it

Erik Erikson #3 Initiative vs. Guilt

I was a very active and social child, I actually kicked a boy in the nuts at preschool when he told me I couldn't join his club because it was "no girls allowed" and I thought that was unfair, which seems pretty assertive.

^ The dress I wore when it happened

Years Six to Ten

Parenting styles

I think my parents tried hard when I was young to have a very authoritative parenting style with me, my parents would always tell me that all I had to do was “be the best ruby I could be” which established a very intrinsic motivation in me from a young age, I tried to do the best I could at everything I did and even if I wasn’t the fastest reader or the best speller I was still often proud of myself because I did the best I could do. Things did change however when I was diagnosed with epilepsy my parents definitely took a dip into the authoritarian side, it’s understandable why but they became much more strict and helicopter-y which became a much bigger issue when I entered teenagerhood and was desperate for some room to breathe. 

Jean Piaget's Preoperational stage

I actually remember being so frustrated with my friends when I had little spats with them, why couldn't they see what I saw? And understand what I was thinking and saying? Which I know now is egocentrism. I also remember always choosing the taller glasses as a child because I thought there was more. My stuffed animals came everywhere with me, I would speak to them and throw tea parties because (now I know it as animism) in my mind their feelings and thoughts were just like mine.

I wish I could say I remember the Concrete Operational Stage but the ages seven to twelve are honestly a massive blur of emotions and hospital visits and I have kinda blacked out that time.

^ first day of kindergarten!

Erik Erikson #4 Industry vs. Inferiority

In elementary school I was pretty badly teased, kids are mean and they did what they did but that ridicule did make me doubt all of the activities I enjoyed doing. I liked dancing but I wasn't the best so I quit, I liked painting but I was nowhere as good as one of my friends so I just stopped doing what I enjoyed.

^ All the wires they used for my EEG at the hospital when I was diagnosed

Years Ten to Fifteen

Jean Piagets Formal Operational stage

Finally, I would like to think my cognitive development is quite advanced. One thing I do really remember from that time is having a very vivid imagination. I could zone out and create long detailed stories in my mind about anything, they definitely also worked as a coping mechanism for myself.

^ ten-year-old ruby

Kohlberg Morality - Conventional

This stage is a weird one, when I was in my early preteen years I wanted so desperately for people to like and approve of me so I really tried to follow social norms to be considered nice, and that worked for a while until I got bullied and I got angry. It was too hard to justify maintaining a social order when bad things were happening to me and others. This was the beginning of my intense obsession with social justice.

Years Fifteen to Twenty

Five stages of grief

I have lost someone in my life, my grandma or Dida (grandma in Bengali) as I called her. She wasn't biologically related to me but it was the sweetest, most caring, strongest person I have ever met in my life and unfortunately, she developed Alzheimer's and decided to get a medically assisted death. Coping with this, being the first person to die in my life was weird. I never really felt the denial, my first stage was anger, I was, one of the last people in my family to hear about it and I was furious, finding out about a month before gave me absolutely no time to prepare while others in my family had up to a year. And yes they had their reasons but it really made me feel like a child, that my parents couldn't trust me with this information. Leading up to her death I kept bargaining with myself, the longer I prolonged seeing her the more I could pretend she wasn’t going to die. After the depression, I just didn’t feel good for a long time. I have struggled with long depressive episodes before and this definitely set me off it wasn't until around the summer I actually started to feel the acceptance that she was gone. 

^ Dida and I circa.

Erik Erikson #5 Identity vs. Confusion

I am currently in this stage of my life, and I would like to think I now have a strong sense of identity, my earlier teenage years were filled with many insecurities surrounding myself and how I perceived the world around me but it got better and I feel much more at peace with myself now.

^ Ruby twelve, figuring it out

^ Me now, a hell of a lot more confident

Bucket list #1 - Move to Montreal

I want to go there so badly, something about the city life and the queer community is so enticing. I think I'll move out permanently by the time I'm twenty.

Years Thirty to Fifty

Kohlberg Morality - Postconventional

I think now I have a very abstract view of morality. I have my morals and I know that others have different ones but I am quite biased to my own. I think that everyone should have equal basic rights and the fact that society doesn't all agree is the bane of my existence. I also believe that even if some actions aren't the most stereotypically ethical they are still moral. Like looking the other way when someone in need is stealing from a grocery store because food is too expensive and people need to eat.

Erik Erikson #6 Intimacy vs. Isolation

I am praying that my sense of self is strong enough that I'll be able to form strong committed relationships. I know many people say this but I truly think I will continue my friendships after high school, I feel so connected with my friends I truly can't imagine living without them.

Middle ages

I, obviously, can’t predict the future but from my mum's experience entering my middle ages I will most likely have some problems with my hormones again, my Mum experienced significant weight gain and and also a pretty early start to menopause (which I wouldn’t mind at all). I never wanted children growing up, I love kids I think they’re fun but pregnancy really freaks me out. The way it can permanently alter things like what I like to eat, or how I smell things, and also all the health effects and mood changes is just not something I really wish to put my body through. I would like to start a family when I’m around thirty-five but if it's going to be my biological children, helping foster kids or just adopting eight cats is still up for debate. I also want to have a career, I proper job that I can work for and build up in my thirties.

^ jumpscare! This is what an app says I will look like when I'm old

Years Fifty to The End

Erik Erikson #7 Generativity vs. Stagnation

I want to do something that will help people, whether it's being a therapist, school counselor, or social worker I want to do something for change and hopefully, that will make me feel like I have contributed something. Bucket list #2 (Go to a fashion week) would also make me feel like I've been to one cultural event somewhere.

Empty Nest Syndrome

How will I cope? Get a couple cats, start a book club, get more cats.

Old age - health & senility

I am absolutely going to go deaf, or at least have a hearing impairment into my old age. I love music and concerts and the best way to really feel it in my bones and soul is to listen to it as loudly as possible I do wear earplugs when I go to punk shows but I also know I am not the most proactive about it. When I'm older I plan to be however right now, consequences are dammed.

^ The obsession started young

To prevent one of my worst nightmares (Alzhiemers) one of the things I will do for the rest of my life is play word games, the New York Times has free crosswords, sudoku, and other word games that I love to play, and also keep my brain active, especially if I retire in my eighties (in this economy??) so I will continue that until I can no longer, I also read a lot, and I think that will continue to keep my brain stimulated and not go senile. Maybe bucket list #4 - learning an ancient language will help.

Erik Erikson #8 Integrity vs. Despair

I am very scared of death. So who knows how I will feel but I do know whatever I do I will be proud of myself and the life I have created for myself because I am too stubborn and determined to not have the life I want.

The End

I am absolutely terrified of death, every night I remember that there is a possibility I won’t wake up and all of my thoughts, everything I have ever felt will just disappear forever how fun is that thought? My biological grandma died from an aneurysm when she was in her fifties so there is a high chance of that happening. On my father’s side, his Mum died of ovarian cancer so that is also something for me to watch out for! I would like to live for as long as I possibly can, I will have to go with cancer as my way out, it makes the most sense, it quite possibly might be from all the chemicals and radiation all my technology emits but talking about it makes me sound like a boomer.

Hopefully, I will have completed bucket list item #3 (Read as many books as I possibly can) and have made some impact in this world

[secret-thoughts-of-an-artist]

If you see this, you can be angry.

There are a lot of things no one talks about when you leave your first “long term” relationship. They don’t talk about how empty you feel, how much you may lose or how much of yourself you struggle to find after months and months of trying. 

So much of who I was became “us”. My mannerisms, my friends, my everything. The biggest thing for me is that I lost almost every single person I had known since 2019. I had graduated college and truthfully, no one really stays in contact after college, not easily anyways. I lost all the friends he and I had, which was pretty much everyone I knew at the time. It’s taken me until quite recently to realize that I wasn’t allowed to be friends with people my ex didn’t know.

There were a lot of things my ex(J) didn’t let me do. As I previously stated, I wasn’t allowed to be friends with people he didn’t know, and god forbid if I socialized with the guys at work. I couldn’t much come home and talk about work without him getting irritated because for the last eight months of the relationship, I worked in an environment filled with men. To add insult to injury, we lived with his mother and up until the day I left, I wasn’t allowed to say anything to her about the cleanliness of the living situation. I was really the only person who kept up with it and it was a struggle to fight through working 40 hour weeks, (for a bit) full-time school and maintaining a house that wasn’t even mine. Until the day I finally told him I was leaving, I wasn’t able to do anything to better myself.

Now lets really get into the nitty gritty of it. In April of 2022, he and I went to a concert where I met one of my favorite social media influencers. It was such a blessing that my ex had pushed me to at least say hi. Little did he know how much that would snowball into me finally leaving. I joined said influencers discord and was finally able to start having a “safe space” to vent about whatever was going on, until my ex joined the discord just to make a point that i was talking about him. More concerned about random people on the internet knowing how I felt about him that what my own counselor thought. Same counselor that could have said something if she were to suspect I was in immediate danger if I went home. Everyone else in the discord realized the red flags, the people I had been working with for four months at that point saw the red flags and I was still choosing to ignore them.

I had told my now ex multiple times before I finally left that I wanted to leave. Sat in the bedroom he and I had spent many, many days and night in crying, telling him I was ready to leave. When I finally did, I brought those nights back up and was told that he thought I was “gas lighting” him by saying it. I meant it every time I said it. I was so burnt out, so tired and so scared. I am into BDSM, and this man had no issue working with that, but there were times when I was genuinely scared for my safety and didn’t have a safeword to use. More than once I was put into a position where during intercourse and play, I completely shut down and started crying because I was GENUINELY terrified of what was going to happen. It took me only until recently to see just how dangerous this relationship was.

I was cut off from most of the world, could hardly visit my family, he would talk more shit about MY family than I would, he kept me isolated, scared and in a cycle of mental games so I stayed... What I could never actually admit to until now is that in order to get out, I cheated. It’s not what you think, the plan was never “oh, I should cheat on him so I have a reason to leave”. No, that wasn’t the case. Truthfully, I reached out to an old friend(M), someone I had known and had been on and off with prior to being with J. I had only reached out to check in. Only person I had ever looked up obituaries for as I knew I would struggle to continue if he wasn’t around. With reaching back out to this friend, I was invited to go and photograph him and a few friends playing in a flag football league. I went and did this, lied to J about what I was doing, who I was doing the photos for and what was going on. When I met up with this friend, I planned on just doing the photos and leaving, nothing more.

Little did I know at the time, but that one day out, lead to the end of it all. i was going to leave that day without my payment. I realized how much I still loved M. As I walked away that day to go home, I cried. I sat in my car in that parking lot and just cried because I realized how much I still needed and loved M. We agreed to let me accept the lunch portion of my payment for doing the photos and that when it came out. M and I talked, realized how much we both still wanted things and after lunch, before I left that day, we kissed. Something with so much more passion than I had felt in a long time. In that moment, I realized I was home and that going back to Massachusetts was a loveless place for me. Over the next week, I tried to convince myself that I didn’t need to leave J, that M and I were still just friends and that I could stick it out... I left a week after the initial photos.

This is the shit no one talks about. This is the stuff that is so difficult. I didn’t realize I was in danger until it was almost too late. Now, I’m planning my wedding for later this year with the man i’ve loved since high school. It’s scary, it’s new and it’s so difficult to adjust sometimes, but I wouldn’t have my life any other way right now. I know I’m loved, I know I’m safe and I know that no matter how much I may wonder, he isn’t going anywhere.

Cheating on J possibly saved my life.

[marvelslut16]

The one with two Pietro’s

Pairing: Pietro x reader, Wandavision!Pietro (Peter Maximoff) x reader FORCED 

Synopsis: you find yourself in Westview living with Wanda, Vision, the boys, and your boyfriend Pietro. But happens when you start to remember your Pietro and figure out what Wanda’s doing to you and everyone else? 

Word count: 1.4k+

Warnings: Swearing I think. Angst. Fluff if you squint. Mind control. Forced relationship. Briefly mentions the idea of a forced magical pregnancy. Bullet wounds. Death. Grief I suppose. Mentions pmsing. The over use of italics. Kinda feel like I make Wanda a psychotic asshole. SPOILERS FOR WANDAVISION!

A/N: This was so much fun to write! Probably the darkest thing I’ve ever written, if you can really call it dark. Writing for Wandavision was a fun little challenge. Takes place in the 90′s so my title is a reference to friends, and so is a tv show character I use in the one shot. Pretend Evan Peters’ hair isn’t that blonde cause I will always see him with the silver he has in xmen and wrote him as such. 

"Vision, that's not my Pietro," you mutter in horror to your friend as the two of you stand in the kitchen. 

You’re not quite sure what makes you say it, but you’re glad you do when you glance at the new Pietro in the living room, he's been playing video games with Tommy and Billy for close to an hour now. He's sweet and funny, but he's just not your Pietro.

"I'm afraid not, (Y/N)," Vision's voice is sullen, but he's glad you're not in on Wanda's mind games. Unless you are, and this is just another way for Wanda to mess with him. He’s not quite sure what’s happening, but he knows from what you’ve reminisced in passing to him about Pietro on nights when Wanda isn’t in the room, that that’s not the Pietro you know and love. 

"Oh my god," you murmur, hand coming to your mouth as little bits and pieces of memories race through your head. The genuine pain, horror, and sadness that cross your face make it obvious to Vision you're being manipulated like everyone else, even if you are Wanda's oldest friend. "My Pietro, he had an accent."

Your knees buckle when you hear his native accent saying his catchphrase in your head, 'you didn't see that coming.' Vision rushes to your side to help you stand more firmly.

"His face was longer, hair a white blonde not silver, his body more toned, and he had gorgeous blue eyes- bluest eyes I've ever seen," you grip onto Vision's arms as you imagine moments with your Pietro.

You grew up in the cell beside his and Wanda's, immediately forming a sisterly connection with her at a young age while Pietro hated you. He would tease you, pull on your pigtails, and steal some of your food on the off chance you three were eating outside of your cells. Over the years the teasing turned to flirting, and your dislike for him turned into a huge crush.

One night-a night you can normally remember with full clarity- after Hydra fell and before Ultron, the two of you were out on a walk, much to Pietro's chagrin. You were telling him about this new book that you were reading and how the characters annoyed you so because they were obviously in love but wouldn't admit it. Pietro zoomed in front of you, causing you to smack into his chest and almost fall to the ground, you would have if not for Pietro's arms wrapping around your waist and bringing you close to his toned chest.

The wind was blowing his hair into his eyes ever so slightly, so without thinking you reached up to move it out of his face and away from his eye. The small act of tenderness that you had displayed caused Pietro to give into his desires, he leaned in and his wind chapped lips descended onto yours. You melted into the kiss, clinging tightly to his biceps to ground you. One of his hands slipped down from your waist to squeeze your ass, the other wrapped more tightly around your waist and kept you anchored to him.

"I love you, Printesa, I have since we were kids," he admits when you pull apart for air, leaning his forehead on yours.

"I love you too, Quicksilver," you use the superhero nickname he gave himself when you were twelve. He grins before attaching his lips to yours once more, it was an unforgettable kiss that filled you with warmth and hope for your future.

"(Y/N), are you okay?" Vision's voice brings you back to reality, or whatever this is.

"No," your voice cracks as you remember the last kiss Pietro planted on your lips, right before he protected Clint. The memory that still haunts your dreams, seeing him with all those bullet holes and knowing there was nothing you could do to save him. "What kind of person forgets the love of their life? I'm a terrible person Vis!"

"No you aren't (Y/N)," the sincerity in Vision's voice makes you really believe him. "Wanda's doing this, she didn't want you to remember."

You gasp as another memory floods your mind. You had agreed to go on a road trip with Wanda after being resurrected from Bruce's snap and defeating Thanos. You both wanted a break, or so you thought.

Wanda had stopped right when you had passed the entrance into Westview, she claimed to be checking her directions when you asked why she had stopped in the middle of nowhere. And no matter how weird it was that she chose to stop at the border to the town and not at a gas station, you believed your best friend and sister in law because she had no reason to lie to you.

A moment later her eyes and hands were glowing red as she touched your temple. She pushed all your memories behind a wall in your brain, then filled your head with memories of a happy life with her and Vision in Westview.

She did it again when 'Pietro' showed up on your guy’s doorstep, this time filling your head with memories of him. Memories of a different first kiss, but an eerily similar first date to the one you and your Pietro had. It makes sense to you now, you and Pietro had never told Wanda the real story of your first kiss, instead telling her you had it weeks later on your first date. You had tried to keep your relationship a secret for a little because you didn't want to make it awkward for Wanda if it didn't work out.

Another thing she didn't add was your engagement and subsequent marriage to her brother. In this reality you and 'Pietro' are just dating. You have to assume that it's because it happened weeks before the battle against Ultron and she doesn't want to remember anything that close to her brother's death.

The thing about the new Pietro is that he seems to rub Wanda the wrong way, something your Pietro never did. He makes comments that you know yours would never, and Wanda always tenses up near him. This Pietro likes to show you off more than yours did, which is saying a lot because your’s used to cling to your side, praise you, and show you off in town when girls would flirt with him. Every time this Pietro kisses you it doesn’t feel right, it’s nowhere near the earth shattering kisses that you had somehow managed to remember from the deep parts of your brain. 

"My ring," you shudder in horror when you realize the diamond ring that your Pietro stole from the jeweler in Sokovia is no longer sitting delicately on your left ring finger like it was before entering Westview. You hastily search your body for your most prized possession, sighing in relief when you find it hanging from a simple silver chain around your neck.

"(Y/N)," Vision says gently, resting a hand on your shoulder, it’s one of the few times he doesn’t know what to say. 

"He's dead," you cry, knees buckling under your weight again. This time you catch yourself on the kitchen table, before sinking in the seat to your right.

"Who's dead?" Wanda appears in the doorway out of nowhere. She has an innocent, concerned expression on her face, but the tilt of her head tells you she'll come take your memories away again if you slip up in the slightest.

"Dr. Drake Ramoray on Days Of Our Lives, the soap opera I was watching this afternoon when you and the boys were out. He fell down the elevator shaft, and I'm apparently taking it harder than I thought I would. I must be pmsing or something."

"Or maybe you're pregnant," there's a red glint in her eyes that scares you to no end.

"Oh," you swallow the lump in your throat, and hold back the bile rising up your throat from anxiety. "I don't think so, I'm not ready to be a mother yet."

"It would be so fun though," 'Pietro' zooms behind your seat, leaning down to place a kiss on your cheek. "Little mini me's and you's running around the house with Billy and Tommy."

"I think two super human children are enough for the house right now," you let out an uncomfortable giggle. You and Vision side eye each other, both very aware that you'll probably be as pregnant as Wanda was a few days ago within the week.

[jiminrings]

Lunchbox lovers request:

So I would love to see a sit down talk between yoongi and mc. Just so like mc can sort her feelings out about everything, and like get advice about forgiving Kook. Idk, I just want those two to have a chat between besties.

-🐞

cold senior!y/n x stem major koo masterlist :D

yoongi will be on y/n’s team — always

“what do you want for dinner?”

yoongi had the best afternoon nap anyone could ever possibly have

it was a mid-afternoon nap actually and something about it just hit different this time

there’s days when it’s extremely warm y’know? not hot, but like uncomfortably warm

it was that uncomfortably warm afternoon when everyone’s collectively feeling sleepy?? turn the airconditioning on to its coolest and sleep without a shirt on and be surrounded by a pillow on both sides......?

yeah that afternoon nap awhile ago really put yoongi on a happy mood

he’s not asking what you want for dinner because he slept good :D

excellent afternoon naps aren’t the only things that make him this way!! lol you could also count days when he receives a random gift out of nowhere and the days when you replace the toothpaste instead of him

but really, whether or not he gets these instances, he genuinely just asks you what you want for dinner so he could either cook it or order it

“what do you want for dinner?” yoongi nudges you from your spot on the couch, about to invade your personal space again and lie down on your lap before you get to cooking

you only hum in response, your best attempt at returning his affection coming in the form of tussling his hair

“we already have dinner, yoongs.”

omg that’s nice then

“you already cooked dinner? even while i was still asleep? wow, look at you,” he praises you abundantly, attempting to pinch your nose when you dodge him

.... that’s the thing though

yoongi watches you visibly freeze when you were doing anything in the first place besides watch your show in a still position

“i didn’t.”

oh

if your dorm was already silent, it became even mORE silent now

if you didn’t cook, then that means-

“jungkook brought dinner.”

yoongi finishes for you and it’s the far worse equivalent of two mothers bringing their own turkeys for thanksgiving

the show you’ve been rewatching is white noise at this point that you can’t recognize anything in this room besides yoongi

it’s been two weeks

that’s literally half a month

two weeks ever since jungkook’s been pouring active effort into working for your forgiveness and normalcy with him out of his own volition

alright maybe you’ll just focus on the gray streaks in yoongi’s new hair <3

and maybe he’ll just focus on the blue stain on your pink pajamas because he put them in the same load when they were newly-purchased <3

yeah but no you can’t do this forever

he can’t do this forever

you and yoongi can’t do this forever

the two of you can’t keep dancing around each other whenever the mention of jungkook pops up because the two of you have two dRASTICALLY different perspectives

right now, yoongi’s just awkwardly laying on your lap and he’s can’t even look up ay the ceiling

“do you wanna talk about it now?”

you end up caving by asking him first, a sigh of relief from holding it in which makes him relieved because he didn’t want to initiate that

“yeah, let’s talk,” he pulls himself up and he’s now looking at you with much embarrassment, “can we even have this conversation while completely sober?”

yoongi’s really rEALLY looking for a distraction to help ease this discomfort in his chest

okay you get where he’s coming from

“you mean you wanna share a joint with me while we have a long-overdue conversation?”

you chuckle at the mental image of yoongi seeing literal stars and freaking out about it, probably crying while he chats to you

“mhmmm. would probably calm our nerves. o-or maybe just mine, atleast.”

to be honest, he doesn’t even have quite a clue on wHY he’s nervous!! it’s the two of you and you’ve always been comfy with each other

that’s the whole foundation of your friendship — you’re fully comfortable with each other and the two of you find it difficult to be this comfy with anyone else

if he really delves deeper into it though, yoongi would know that the reason he’s so nervous for this conversation with you is because he doesn’t want to fight with you

you’d only have occasional tiffs and arguments ever once in a while, but never a fight!!

he’s not assuming that your conversation would turn into a fight, but that possibility scares him still because what if he loses you?

:(((

and if the two of you do fight, it would be over a junior named jungkook who broke your heart and probably insulted you to your core

he doesn’t want to romanticize it either, but if the two of you do fight, yoongi would want it to be something entirely else

he’s willing to have a fight about being messy and how it frustrates you so much

he’d pick a fight over his clingy habits and how it sometimes makes you feel insecure

he’d pick a fight over how he wants to be your number one best friend so bad that it’s beyond unhealthy he’s making it a competition

he’d want a fight over him being a lil insecure of seokjin at times because the two of you get along so well and know much mORE things than he ever could and he can’t always be included in the inside jokes

what yoongi doesn’t want is to fight over jungkook.

“that sounds nice,” you agree because maybe you too are feeling a little antsy, “but we could do that after.”

he nods, his hands curled to his lap that he only meets your eyes now

“okay.”

oh my god

what now

everything’s put out of the way and it’s now the part when you actually tALK

“are you mad at me?”

you take the first approach and it’s already heavy right from the start, the question weighing especially hard in your mind the past few weeks

“what? no. i could never be mad at you,” he answers just as quick and precise, “i’m mad at him.”

“and i understand that.”

you really do know where yoongi’s coming from because after all, you’re the receiving end of all of jungkook’s words at the time

but that’s the thing!!!

that’s tHEE thing that bothers yoongi the most

you have this feeling of guilt because you feel like you’re betraying yoongi in a way

“then why are you letting jungkook in again?”

it’s as if it’s a double-edged sword and merely entertaining jungkook would be a stab in the back to yoongi, even if you don’t owe him anything

“because i understand him too.”

yoongi deadpans at that, a tired sigh falling instinctively from his lips but his mind’s more awake now

“god, seriously?” he shakes his head and outstretches his hands to hold your shoulders in place. “y/n you are the most lovable person i know. you believe him when he told you otherwise-“

“i-i know it isn’t true. it’s not true when it comes from jungkook.”

your voice wavers but it’s not the only thing that’s coming in waves, your resolve blurring even more when you see yoongi fighting back his own tears

“but when it comes from me i-“

“it’s not true either.”

all that yoongi does is take you to his chest the moment your body feels limp with the sigh that escapes you, a knowing body of tears coming next

your parents’ divorce is the furthest thing from fresh but the impact it placed on you renews without warning, the thoughts coming in waves

they were sure to reiterate over and over again that it wasn’t your fault, but god the way that they never even bothered afterwards made you think otherwise

“i-i just feel like a placemarker and neither of them came back for me, y’know? don’t get me wrong, i love my aunt to pieces and she’s family and-“

your faint sobs rack your ribs and yoongi can feel them, a relief that your face is buried to his shoulder so that you wouldn’t see him cry

“jin and i are your family too.”

they are but deep down, you know it’s a whole other ball game

“b-but that’s because you’re unrelated to me. i don’t remind any of you of the other. i’m not your daughter.”

it really wasn’t as harsh as how your words cut out, but it just breaks yoongi’s heart to know how difficult is must have been and is for you

you mumble when you calm down enough, playing with a loose thread on the cardigan you’ve gifted him on his birthday this year

“jungkook didn’t know that sore spot. he couldn’t have, but i’m not defending him either, yoongi.”

you mean it with full sincerity and he’s trying to digest your words as best as he could before his bias gets the best of him

“it’s on him for being horrible to me, but it’s on me for relating what he said to what i felt a long time ago.”

yoongi opens and closes his mouth, but before he does, you’re lifting your head up to interrupt him

god he’s aLSO crying

“use the sleeves to wipe your snot, dumbo. it’s not even that expensive!!” you chuckle when you urge him to do so, making him both frustrated and sheepish because his goddamn snot interrupted you

you lean on his shoulder and stay that way, this time being a rare occurrence in which you cling to him like a koala

“and i know that he shouldn’t have said those things to me either way. i do.”

yoongi nods at that, capturing his point fully

he insists on patting you on the forehead, drawing circles and definitely not a penis as he drawls his words

“he can’t take back what he said, y/n.”

“but that doesn’t mean he can’t redeem himself, yoongs.”

you offer him a timid smile, turning into a bigger one when you know just the right approach to satiate him enough

“jungkook taking accountability is the bare minimum, though,” you chuckle when he nods eagerly to the point he gives himself whiplash, “which is why i’m being smart and haven’t fully forgave him yet.”

…

…..

yoongi sighs when the two of you spend the pause in silence, speaking in all honesty

“i don’t know if i can forgive the little shit.”

“you don’t need to.”

you say just as genuine, a reassuring smile on his face to ease the focused knot on his brows

“you don’t owe it to me, yoongs. i know what you’re thinking.”

you really do

he tends to look at you in high regard even when you tell him that he shouldn’t, and it leads to him with the mindset that he really should appease his best friend at all times

“i eventually will,” he admits quietly. “just not now.”

“that’s okay too.”

it was supposed to be another bout of silence but yoongi actually breaks this time, blurting out words once he felt that the coast was clear

he just needs to get this off his chest before this heart-to-heart moment dwindles

“i don’t want to sound weird, but you’re like, my platonic girlfriend, y’know? my soulmate in a very platonic way, but no one says either that your soulmate has to be in a romantic sense and-…”

you exclaim in relief, your eyes rolling to the back of your head when you jolt him by the shoulders

“god, finally. i’ve always wanted to tell you that i feel the same. you’re my soulmate, i’m pretty sure. my very, very platonic boyfriend i live with.”

yoongi sighs, stares, then fiNALLY heartily laughs in relief

everything’s out of the way :)

“we’re good. we always will be.”

you’re about to get up to fulfill yoongi’s suggestion earlier, being cut short when he gently pulls you by your forearm when you stood

“i’ll always be on your team — you know that right?”

yoongi means it with his whole heart, just one more reminder he wants you to reaffirm in your mind for the night

“i’ll always be on yours too, yoongs.”

[ssson-of-sparda]

Fathers Do Cry (DMC Vergil one shot)

Summary: Vergil remembers his last Father's Day with Sparda and doesn't really realise how similar to him he has become.

Tags: Father's Day special / DADGIL! / Vergil acting like a dad to Nero

Author’s note: I woke up this morning suddenly inspired. Doesn't happen very often so enjoy ;) ps: I just love Dadgil!

***

His big blue eyes staring without blinking, the child was observing his father sitting by the fireplace in the parlour. Full of admiration, he was detailing all the features of his serious face, all the details of his confident posture and all the different luxurious fabrics that made his purple finery and as he did, he repeated to himself, wished, prayed, that someday, one day, he would grow up to be just like him.          “Aren’t you going to speak, Vergil?” The father’s powerful voice asked as he finally acknowledged the boy’s presence with a small amused smile, wondering what brilliant thoughts were occupying his eldest son’s sharp mind this time.            “I made this for you, father.” With a solemnity that didn’t suit a five-years-old but that somehow fitted Vergil’s young yet wise spirit and his will to be perfect son in the eyes of Sparda, the boy handed a paper sheet to his father.         “ And what would that be?” The man said as he took his son’s gift. “It’s father’s day so … I made you a poem… or tried to.” The adorable embarrassment tensing the child’s traits in funny grimaces made the father's smile wider but Vergil, suddenly too preoccupied with the blue paint stuck under his fingernails, didn’t notice it as he didn’t notice the paternal pride and the love shining in his eyes.               “I thought your mother wanted you and your brother to make a gift together this year.” “ You know Dante” Vergil sighed. “He has no artistic talent whatsoever. He wanted to make you a wooden sword to play with us.”    “ That’s actually a very good idea.”  Vergil frowned; suddenly worried that Sparda would not like his gift and preferred Dante’s – if he had made one of course. “Except when the sword looks like two twigs glued together. You should have seen this, father. It looked ri.di.cu.lous.” Sparda laughed at his son’s attitude, finding amusement in this sibling rivalry. “Why don’t you read me your poem then?”              “ I learnt it by heart actually. The paper is for you to remember this day by … and also because I wanted to illustrate it. Look.” Vergil approached his father, seized the poem from his big hands and climbed on his lap to show him the delicate aquarelle he had painted around the lines. “Impressive. Did your mother help you with this?” Vergil shook his head. “No, I did it on my own. I used a book I saw in that old man’s house I often go to as a reference.”       “ The old academic that lives down the hill? I thought you found him boring.” Vergil shook his head again, furiously this time and with a serious frown. “That’s Dante. Me, I really like him. He teaches me a lot of things. And he has lots of books. It’s incredible.”

Sparda ruffled his son’s silver hair whose hairdo was always made in order to somehow mimic his, thinking what a promising young boy Vergil was. Maybe more promising than Dante to be honest – though he knew he shouldn’t think that.   But there was something that Vergil had that Dante lacked. Perhaps rationality beyond his age … or some kind of maturity … wisdom maybe? He couldn’t really pinpoint what it was exactly. All he knew is that it was something unique and special, just like his son, something that made Sparda certain that one day his eldest would grow up to be a great man, a man greater than him, a man worthy of the Yamato and capable of handling its burdening power.

“Can I recite my poem now?” Sparda smiled at the sparkle in Vergil’s eyes. “Sure.” The boy quickly took back his previous position in front his father, cleared his throat, put his hands behind his back and stuck out his chest.

Sparda listened to every word, fascinated and amazed by his little one’s talent and profoundly moved by all the love, all the meticulousness and the time he put in each line and in each word. “Oh Vergil. The world is not yet ready for someone like you.” The father said as he let a tear roll down his cheek. “Why are you crying, father?” Vergil worried. “Because fathers cry, my son.”

That day was the last time Vergil truly celebrated Father’s day for a few weeks later he had no father, no one to make poems to, no one to admire by the fireplace. Just a memory that he feared would sooner or later fade but that he would cling to dearly for as long as he could.

“Why don’t we bring flowers to Daddy’s statue in the park today?” Eva asked when Vergil was six, when Vergil was seven, when Vergil was eight only to be welcome by a heavy silence that was no longer hiding brilliant thoughts but a painful sadness. But each time he did as Eva suggested, maybe more for her than for him, maybe because he still loved and admired Sparda even if he had left him, maybe because he thought that his father might see him and smile from wherever he was now, the same way he had smiled when he had read him his poem on his last father’s day.

And that’s certainly why, more than three decades later, he was back in this park, on this very special day with a bouquet of purple peonies he had bought on his way here and a memory that never faded. A memory he could still recite.

"Whether the sun shines or the sky cries,                 Whether the day breaks or the night wakes,       My father always as a rampart stands Protecting my house with his bare hands.

He is strong, he is brave                 And the day he always saves.     A knight in cockroach armor     To scare my terror away."

Vergil scoffed at the lines, at the way they rolled off his tongue, finding them funny and childish and not worthy of a Blake or a Fielding at all unlike what he thought when he wrote them as a child. The over-confidence of youth probably.

“Did you just come up with that?” Vergil turned around to see Nero walking towards him with a smirk. A surprise but not a bad one. “Cause the rhyming sucks a little. I expected more of you.”                “ And I suppose you’re an expert in poetry now?”         “ I may read have read one of your books.” He said as he tapped the pocket of his marine blue coat hiding Vergil's most sacred book with pride. “You still have it I see.”     “Hey! It’s a real page turner! Can’t get my nose out of it.” Vergil had a crooked smile, understanding perfectly what his son meant.

Son? Even a year after this reveal he still couldn’t believe this boy before him, the one he had lived such a terrifying yet incredible adventure with, was his own flesh and blood.

A sigh almost escaped Vergil’s lips. How did he make such a fine young man? Someone so selfless, so generous, so loving when he was nothing like that.              “ What are you doing here, Nero?” He asked, trying not to think more about this.      “ Well it’s father’s day, no? So … I made you something… or tried to.” The embarrassed grimace Nero suddenly made made Vergil’s smile grew larger but Nero, too worried to keep the gift covered with the pieces of newspapers he had taped together, didn’t see it as he didn’t see the paternal pride and the love shining in his father’s blue eyes. The same paternal pride Sparda had displayed when Vergil was a little child with a small paper in his hands.  “Thank you Nero.” The man said as he gently took the present from his son's hands, wondering what it was even though the long shape didn’t leave much place for imagination.

He cautiously unwrapped the thing, already feeling a happiness he hadn’t felt in years warming his heart. And when he saw a katana-like wooden sword that purposely looked like Yamato he couldn’t help but smile and let a tiny drop of water blur his blue eyes. “It was Dante’s idea. Though he might have suggested gluing two sticks together.” Nero said as he scratched his head. “It looks amazing.” Vergil’s honesty was like a knife in Nero’s chest but in a good way. It was as if all the stress and all the stupid fear he had felt while making this toy sword had been stabbed away. He felt relieved, joyful even that his always so stern father was genuinely grateful and seemed to appreciate his gift. “That way, you won’t have to tear my arm apart again cause look, you have two now.” Nero tried to joke but his words just erased the smile on Vergil’s face.

“There is not a single day I don't regret what I did to you.” This was Vergil’s way to say he was sorry. Nero was certain of it. He didn’t need to know his father that well to know it. After all, he was somewhat the same. “Hey, it’s in the past. Plus it grew back, so no harm done.” He winked, trying to ease the atmosphere with a bad pun worthy of Dante even though there was a time he would have ripped Vergil’s chest open for what he had done. And a part of him knew he would never forget and maybe never fully forgive what happened.               But right now he was just happy to have a family, to have a father and to finally be able to celebrate a day he has so long hated.  “ This world doesn’t deserve you, son.” Vergil solemnly declared. He had never called Nero that way and that name felt strange yet beautiful to both of them. It made the son and the father smile in ways they never thought they would smile at each other. “ Damn, are you crying old man? I thought devils never cry.” Nero suddenly harrumphed when he finally noticed the water growing in his father's eyes.                   “ Well, fathers do cry." Vergil declared as he allowed a tear of joy and pride to fall along his pale cheek. The first in a very very long time but one he will never regret or brush away. "Father do cry.” He repeated with a glance at the statue of his father behind him.

[ickymichi]

𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐒𝐔𝐊𝐀𝐖𝐀 𝐈𝐒𝐒𝐄𝐈 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐒:

𝐩𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

<3 warning: none really! just slight mentions of nsfw but nothing brutal, swearing, v slight angst, mentions of insecurity.

<3 things to know!: set in the timeskip, unless i’m like ‘this was back in high school’. (implied female) reader and issei are in an established relationship.

<3 summary!: headcannons i have about issei and his appearance/body. :)

<3 a/n: see i genuinely had no idea what to call this. like it’s headcannons that i have about issei’s appearance/body?. and also to make some of the things named more normalised and to make ppl see how attractive they make ppl. reblogs are greatly appreciated <3

all contents belongs to hotboyissei 2021. please do not repost or modify on this or any other platform.

𝐅𝐑𝐄𝐂𝐊𝐋𝐄𝐒: listen to this okay. issei with freckles on his shoulders. beautiful i know. but just imagine it. those nice broad shoulders with thousands of freckles scattered across them from years of tanning and getting sunburned on the beach while on holidays or just from the numerous summers he spent in your backyard getting a tan. just running your hands across them seeing how some of them connected to form a bigger one. he always tells you it tickles. but never says stop. also in summer he gets them on his face from the sun.

𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐄𝐓𝐂𝐇 𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐊𝐒: he definitely had them on like the part of his back where his arm meets his shoulders, on the under side of his biceps and definitely got some on his ass cause boy got cake. but he’s insecure about them and used to hate wearing tank tops cause you could see them. but you told him how much you love them and how cool they look. now mf thinks he’s hot shit (as he should) and walks around your house in them or just shirtless. if you have some to he would literally always be telling you how attractive it is. literally constantly.

𝐁𝐎𝐃𝐘 𝐇𝐀𝐈𝐑: he definitely is on the hairier side. like he got hairy ass legs let me tell you, but it thins out when it gets to his thighs a bit. definitely waxes or shaves his ass idc idc, was scared from this one time he was watching porn and it just got a shot of the guys hairy ass and he was disgusted. but also he got like, not a lot to where he has to constantly wax it, but a nice amount of chest hair, like it’s only on his pecs not on his stomach you know?. side story!: it was like, two months after you started dating and you were having a movie night at his and you were staying over. makki convinced, i mean convinced him you were going to have sex for the first time. so issei being afraid you’d think his chest hair is unattractive he booked a chest wax and made makki come with him. he recorded the whole thing and showed you two years later, big bad matsukawa issei himself, screaming from pain and nearly breaking makki’s hand with the grip he had on it. end of side story :). his happy trail? pheww that shit idky it’s just attractive to me for some reason. also has a bit of stubble but he shaves it cause of one time in third year he was just really lazy that week and didn’t shave and when the four of them went to go to the cinema on saturday oikawa said: “who’s uncles coming our way?”. from then on he never goes out with to them without shaving beforehand. if you tell him you find it attractive he’d grow it out a small bit just to see your reaction. but if you said you don’t like it he’d do it anyway to annoy you.

𝐀𝐂𝐍𝐄: high school issei definitely had acne. not like major but had some on his cheeks and his back. he hated it sm cause all his friends never had a problem with it. until you told him it doesn’t matter if he has it for not he’s still seggsy as fuck. now timeskip issei? not as much. he made sure to start taking care of his skin halfway through high school. that is until masks became a thing, poor guy has a love hate relationship with them now.

𝐁𝐋𝐎𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆: listen, issei eats. mf has the biggest appetite you’ve ever seen. ceo of “you eating that?”. every time you see him on the couch he either has a bag of crisps, chocolate, popcorn, leftovers from last night or a takeout he ordered in his lap. man just loves food (i relate ‘sei dw). but all that eating makes boy bloat like crazy. like, he has a fast metabolism so mf never gains weight that much🙄. but he could literally eat half a sharing bar of chocolate and suddenly he’s eight weeks pregnant. also, he didn’t know what bloating was until you finished a movie night and mf took half the popcorn, had his own bag of jellies and three of the small multipack chocolate bars. so when he undressed for his shower and caught a glimpse of his stomach that normally only has a bit of pudge, pushed out to where it looks like he gained weight over night he has a stroke. this how shiz went down:

“(Y/N)!!” you literally sprinted to the bathroom thinking he fell or sum. “what issei? what happened?!”. “have i, have i always been this big?” “what? you look like you always do”. the distressed noise he let out along with him fake stumbling and grabbing the counter had you confused. “i look pregnant! what do you mean i always look like this? we’re getting a treadmill or at home gym or whatever i need to get back to how i was. good lord i really let myself go.” he ran a hand across his face while rubbing his stomach and looking in the mirror. then it hit you. “oh my god you fucking idiot, you do realise how much shit you are right? your just bloated.” “bloated? the fuck is that?”. you then spent the next fifteen minutes sitting on the toilet seat explaining what bloating was while he showered.

𝐂𝐑𝐎𝐎𝐊𝐄𝐃 𝐓𝐄𝐄𝐓𝐇: i just know baby don’t got teeth that look like a fresh set of veneers. and it’s not like they crazy crooked, just slightly that you barley notice unless you’re up close and stare at his mouth. but because he’s always looking at himself it’s the first thing he sees. this leads to him covering his mouth whenever he laughs and only slightly smirking or lifting his mouth to a small closed lip smile when he’s told to smile. everytime he has to take a picture with his family one of his auntie who’s taking it shouts: “smile issei!” every time. and he always says: “i am though”which leads to his getting pinched in the side by his mother and her telling him: “fucking smile properly before i whoop your ass” through gritted teeth while she smiles brightly herself. he grew to not care as much when, you again, told him you love his smile when he threw his head back instead of covering his mouth when you told him a funny story.

𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐒/𝐋𝐄𝐆𝐒: heavenly i know, but bby doesn’t completely agree. we all know boy thick especially those gorgeously thick thighs! but he just thinks they’re too thick. he’s used to seeing oikawa and makki’s slender ones, so when he stands in front of the mirror in a pair of swim shorts he bought and they’re swinging on his waist but about to rip around his thighs he can feel himself start to tear up. and then, what a suprise, you walk in!

~ start story:)): “ ‘sei! you ready to go, oh are you okay?”. he whips his head around to see you standing in the doorway in the swim set you just bought your self. ‘god you look so good’ he thinks to himself. “uh yeah yeah i’m good just need a few minutes these uh, they don’t fit.” he brings a hand to his face and uses his index finger and thumb to wipe the tears in the corner of his eyes. “oh well then you can just tie the strings, that’s what they’re there for, i told you to go a size down silly”. you stand infront of him and start to tie the strings in the shorts around his waist. “no doll, they aren’t to big, they’re to small look” he motions his head to the way they’re straining around his thighs and he just wants to start crying again. “oh i see, we’ll theres nothing we can do there , is there? we’ll just buy another pair on the way.” how? he thinks. how are you not laughing in his face that his legs are to fat to fit in a pair of shorts that are 2 sizes to big for him? “i know what you’re thinking,” your soft voice breaks him out of his thoughts. “why is she not laughing at me huh? she probably thinks i’m fuckin’ ugly” you do your best to mimic his deep voice but just sound silly trying, making him let out a small laugh. “how many times have i told you how much i adore your legs hm? how many times have i done, such oh so sinful things on them while going on about how much i love them?. to many to count issei. so next time you think all those silly bad thoughts just think of me and every time i tell you nice things about them!”. now he’s definitely crying, but this time over how much your words helped him. and now he feels like a million dollars as he struts across the beach to the three men waiting for you with his neon orange shorts tied around his waist and clinging to his thighs. end story :))~

jesus i forgot about his legs. anyway, all his life he’s been told how ‘lanky he is’ and how long his legs are. this makes him feel like shit really,most of his jeans stop above his anlke so the only type of socks he had is the long ones that he uses to hide his ankles fromm people, making them think he has the perfect size. he’ll never forget the time he spent hours shopping with his mother and trying on countless pairs of trousers for an upcoming wedding that and they stop above his ankle. he feels embarrassed really, seeing the fitter tell him they can just get them custom made, but it’ll cost more plus the original price. watching how distressed his mother gets when he tells her how much it’ll be. he doesn’t want his mother spending that much money on a pair of trousers he’ll wear once so he butts in saying it’s fine and he’ll deal with it by wearing black socks and no one will notice. the same exact problem happens several years later except in his mother’s place is makki along with oikawa and iwa, watching him get fitted for your wedding. he tells himself ‘think of (y/n), think of (y/n) and how much she says she loves your legs’ but it’s hard to when all the other men have no problem finding the perfect suit size. he doesn’t want to pay extra for a custom suit but that’s what it looks like is going to happen.

-end <3

[rogerslovesstark]

No More Love

Pairing: Steve Rogers x fem!reader, Sharon x fem!reader [platonic, for now ;)]

Word Count: 2,020

WARNING: ANGST, mean Steve, Sharon being a sweetheart because she is portrayed negatively, I've done it but girls support girls!

“Steve, where are you going?” You ask quietly, scared of his response because it seemed that he was always on the verge of exploding when you spoke to him. You felt like you were walking around eggshells whenever you were around him. 

Ever since he came back from Bolivia, he was constantly angry when he was around you. You noticed something was off when the night he came back, you tried to give him a massage and he jerked himself away from you. That was two months ago, and he was away for almost three months.

You wrote it off as him being tired and annoyed from the almost failed mission. However, as days continued, Steve kept keeping a cold shoulder to you. Avoiding you in the tower, skipping on date nights saying that he had mission reports to file, sleeping in the tower instead of coming home.

It was almost like he didn’t love you anymore.

Steve saw you approaching him in the tower, he also noticed that there was no way of avoiding you without causing a scene. So he just let you come to him, the new trainees in awe of the two superheroes who were supposedly madly in love with one another. 

You beamed at your boyfriend, he had just come back from Bolivia a few days ago and you hadn’t had the chance to speak with him properly, Steve was constantly swarmed in paperwork because of the operation. 

You knew that he was stressed when he didn’t want to have sex after his mission, but you also didn’t want to force it on him. It was odd that you wouldn’t want to have sex after two months away from your girlfriend, only having jerked off while on the trip. You had doubts that Steve remained loyal to you during the mission but you hid them deep in yourself because you didn’t want to doubt the loyalty of Steve.

Steve faked a smile when he saw you walk over to him, just to keep appearances with everyone around them. He hugged you loosely and quickly pulled away, not making many conversations with you and then excusing himself claiming he needed to speak with Fury about something important. 

You stood in the hallway, visibly upset that your lover wouldn’t spend five minutes with you.

You were starved of basic affection from your boyfriend. You didn’t even know what you did wrong.

Steve was on his way out the door when he heard you ask him where he was going. Just hearing you ask him where he was going angered him so much. You were acting like his mother all the time, so needy and annoying. 

“Out Y/n, why? Do you need anything?” He asked trying not to blow a fuse, his temper was so short with you. 

“Can we please talk before you go?” You asked him, you needed validation and affection so badly that you were itching just to have him hold you again. 

Steve huffed and dropped his keys on the side table and walked towards you, sitting on the couch near you, just not touching you. 

“Are you angry at me Steve?” You asked him, desperate for an answer. You just wanted your boyfriend to kiss you the way he used to.

“No, Y/n.” He answered shortly, temper slowly rising, he was getting annoyed by you already and you hadn’t even said more than 20 words to him yet. 

“Are you sure? You can tell me if I did something wrong, it won’t hurt my feelings,” You said reaching to hold his hand, in need of some sort of affection. Even if it was just holding his large hand. 

“Y/n enough, stop acting like a child, okay?” He shouted, pulling his hand away quickly when he realized that you were going to touch him. “Y/n I need to tell you something, don’t interrupt me okay, I don’t love you anymore, I don’t what happens but I just don’t love you anymore,” Steve said, feeling a weight lifted off his shoulders.

You sat on the couch stunned, absolutely stunned by what your boyfriend had just said. He didn’t love you anymore? What does that even mean? How do you just stop loving someone? You were processing 10 different emotions at once. The one you felt most was pain, so much pain that you couldn’t even cry because of how much it hurt.

Your tongue felt heavy in your mouth, you just stared at him in shock. You didn’t know what to say, you just sat on the couch, feeling like an outlier in your own home. 

Steve just stared at you, seeing you process what he had just said. He didn’t know how you would take it, but it seemed like you were taking it pretty well. He didn’t say anything else to you, he just grabbed his keys and shut the door behind him. Sam and Bucky were waiting for him at the bar, it was boys night and he was finally free from the leash of your relationship.

+++

You quickly grabbed your things from your side of the closet. You still didn’t feel the urge to cry about this relationship. Maybe because you already knew it was over subconsciously. Why cry over something that you were kind of expecting. 

You left his apartment an hour after Steve had left, with your two suitcases and a large bag filled to the brim in tow, you walked to the tower. It was a far walk, from Brooklyn to Mid-town Manhattan. You received so many strange looks because what kind of crazy person didn’t just call an Uber with all that stuff. 

It took you over an hour to reach the tower. You took the elevator up to your floor, constantly asking FRIDAY for updates of where everyone is inside the tower. Once you reached your floor, you requested FRIDAY to lock your floor to everyone until further notice, ban Steve from entering your floor, and disable people from requesting your location within the tower.

You placed all of your things inside your room, not having enough energy to put any of your things away. You walked over to your bathroom and started the shower, the heat as high as it would go.

You stood under the stream of burning water, you tried to avoid thinking of the situation. You still didn’t feel like crying, just the feeling of being numb and cold. You were probably cold because your insane ass walked from Brooklyn to Manhattan in a thin shirt and jeans. 

You turned the water off and changed into a teeshirt, crawling into your bed and requesting FRIDAY to close the curtains and not to open them until you were out of bed, whenever you awoke the next morning.

You laid in the darkness looking up at the ceiling, torturing yourself with the words Steve had said to you. Constantly replaying them inside your mind, hoping that he was lying, hoping that when you woke up the next morning that he would be laying next to you, holding you to his chest.

As you replayed the words in your head, you finally felt the tears coming on. You sobbed softly thinking of your failed relationship, thinking of what you did wrong. 

You finally fell asleep, cheeks wet from all the tears. Sleeping a dreamless sleep.

+++

Steve was drinking the mead Bucky had on hand, a welcome gift from Thor. They were in some club on the lower west side. Some blonde woman was sitting in his lap, talking about something Steve didn’t even care about. All he wanted to do was to sleep with her and kick her out. 

He didn’t care for anything at the moment, not when she had died at the cost of his stupidity. 

Janet, an inter who Fury had placed on the mission in Bolivia because he believed that she was ready to take on the mission with the supervision of Steve.

The first two weeks of the mission was filled with the sexual tension between the two. It happened after dinner had ended and Steve and Janet were buzzed, Steve had walked her back to her hotel room. She kissed Steve, and they ended up entangled in her sheets, any thoughts of you were completely forgotten by Steve. The night ended with the best sex of Steve’s night.

Once he woke up, he noticed that Janet was laying on his chest naked, and he was also naked. Steve had no regrets, he didn’t feel any remorse that he had cheated on you. So he continued the relationship with Janet, claiming that he didn’t love you anymore, that Janet made him feel something that you never made him feel. 

The night before they were meant to leave, Janet went to the local supermarket to get some wine and cheese for the two, to celebrate their relationship. Only to be shot and killed before she could even make it to the store. 

Steve was devastated that Janet had been killed, he mourned her death so painful. Steve genuinely believed that Janet was the love of his life.

Steve began getting annoyed of the blonde woman in his lap just chattering away, so he kissed her quiet, and took her back to her place, tidy and small. He would expect nothing more from a young woman working in some low-paying field, she had mentioned it but Steve was too caught up in his thoughts about Janet to even care about what she was saying.

As soon as Steve finished, he got up and left. He finally made it to his apartment, expecting you to be in the bedroom, but you weren’t here. Good, it's better that way, you were so unbelievably annoying that he could barely stand to be around you. 

He climbed into his bed, the sheets still smelled like your shampoo. He had to wash the sheets as soon as possible, whenever he found the time. 

+++

You had been in a dark place for the last 3 weeks, you had begged Fury to not place you on any mission, you explained the situation to him, with him being infuriated, almost going to the length of finding Steve and shooting him in the leg. 

You realized that you were in such a depressive state and hadn’t been taking care of yourself. In 3 weeks, you had barely eaten, showered, or spoken to anyone. 

You forced yourself to get up, shower, eat a proper meal, and go for a run. The amount of energy it took to even complete those tasks was so unbelievably exhausting that you only wanted to lay in bed all day and read.

You ended up calling Sharon, asking her to come to see you and hang out to take your mind off the hurt you were going through. You and she were friends, meeting each other during the SHIELD initiative. Sharon was always so kind to you, you could sense her attraction to your boyfriend but then again who would be. Well, ex-boyfriend.

You cried your heart out to Sharon, laying in your bed with her, while she stroked the back of your head trying to soothe you, you ended up asleep in her arms. You woke up to a clean room, and Sharon wasn’t in your bed. She was in your kitchen making something to eat you were guessing. 

“Hey N/n, you need to eat some dinner, I’m making spicy penne al vodka, it’s almost ready,” Sharon said while stirring the pot she was using. You took a seat at the counter, waiting to be served by your friend. You stared out the window, just wondering what Steve was doing right now.

“Y/n, Y/n, Y/n, hello,” Sharon waved her hand in your face. She was confused as to why you kept daydreaming, he left you, you should move on because he was a piece of shit anyways.

“I’m not hungry Shar, I ate earlier, I’ll just eat later,” You said while staring out the window.

[needtherapy]

Jiujiu Gets A Puppy

Wei Wuxian wants to get Jiang Cheng a gift.

He’s trying to be brave, okay? And no one can be afraid of dogs forever. Have you SEEN puppies?

There’s now a part 2! Mao’er Makes A Friend

Read more Kristina Writes Tiny Stories

“Please don’t make me do this. I don’t want to do this.” Wei Wuxian knew he was whining and hoped it worked.

It did not. 

“This was your idea,” Lan Zhan reminded him implacably. He continued to move up the stairs at an unnecessarily brisk pace, in Wei Wuxian’s opinion.

“It was a terrible idea. Why do we let me have ideas?” Wei Wuxian tugged Lan Zhan’s sleeve. 

“It is a good idea. A kind and thoughtful idea because you are a kind and thoughtful man.” 

Instead of pausing, Lan Zhan moved his arm around Wei Wuxian’s waist and propelled him forward.

“That’s not true. Ask anyone.”

Finally, Lan Zhan stopped. “Wei Ying. Do you truly want to leave?”

The genuine concern in his voice made Wei Wuxian feel guilty. He switched tactics.

“Why do I have to do it myself? Couldn’t we just have Jin Ling pick one out and send it to Jiang Cheng with our compliments?” He thought this was a particularly good plan, but Lan Zhan shook his head.

“Jin Ling said if you pick it out yourself, you will be less likely to be afraid when it grows up.”

“What if I’m afraid of it now?” The whining was back, and this time he actually meant it. The thought of going near a slobbering toothy monster weighed like a heavy stone in his gut.

“Wei Ying.” This time Lan Zhan’s voice was soft and soothing. He took Wei Wuxian’s hand and pulled him up the last stair. “They were only born a week ago. Jin Ling says you will be safe.”

Wei Wuxian snorted. “What does he know? He’s a child.”

“Thanks, da-jiu.” The young man striding toward them had a frown on his face. “Now I am sorry I left the rest of my dogs inside.”

Attempting to distract Jin Ling from that terrifying thought, Wei Wuxian laughed and bypassed propriety, folding his nephew into an enthusiastic hug. Jin Ling accepted it for a brief moment, having learned it was hopeless to argue, before pushing Wei Wuxian away.

“Come on, then. Even you can’t hate a newborn puppy.”

Wei Wuxian hesitated, but his traitorous husband followed Jin Ling across the plaza, and eventually Wei Wuxian had to jog to catch up.

To his surprise, they didn’t go to the dog yards behind the stables. One of the first things Jin Ling had done after officially being named the Lanling Jin zongzhu was to start getting dogs. It had seriously made Wei Wuxian doubt his nephew’s sanity, but he had to admit, it was nice of Jin Ling to build the low, tidy buildings to keep the dogs when Wei Wuxian visited. The gesture had made for a peaceful three years of visits.

Instead, they headed through one of the inner courtyards of Lanling Tower to the guest quarters that were set aside for his and Lan Zhan’s use. 

“We can only stay for a few minutes. They’re too young to be away from their mother for very long and I thought you’d rather not encounter a full grown dog,” Jin Ling explained as they entered the room, and Wei Wuxian looked at him suspiciously, the words sounding a bit too much like mocking.

There was a huge wooden box in the center of their room and it was making noise. A squeaking noise. Wei Wuxian decided he would be fine here by the door, but he didn’t get a choice.

“I know you’re rolling your eyes,” he complained when Lan Zhan tucked an arm around Wei Wuxian’s elbow and dragged him forward.

“Da-jiu, just sit here,” Jin Ling said, gesturing to a wide cushion on the floor. “I’ll bring you a puppy.”

“Lan Zhan, just sit here,” Wei Wuxian said, gesturing to the cushion, and without rolling his eyes, Lan Zhan did, letting Wei Wuxian settle in front of him.

He knew it was foolish, to be a grown man afraid of dogs. He had fallen from the sky into hell. He had died. He had watched so many people he loved leave him and yet it was always the sound of barking, the expected flash of teeth, the feral eyes that made reason abandon him. He scooted backward until he ran into Lan Zhan. 

Lan Zhan. 

Lan Zhan. 

He repeated the name over and over in his head, a calming mantra, while he watched Jin Ling. His nephew’s face looked completely different crouched next to the box. He was softer, his mouth tipped in a sweet smile, and Wei Wuxian could suddenly imagine him as a toddler. Or a child, being handed his first dog by his uncle, and Wei Wuxian was suddenly sorry that it hadn’t been him.

And then Jin Ling was sitting in front of him, and Wei Wuxian felt Lan Zhan’s steading hand in the middle of his back.

“Their eyes are just starting to open, but this one’s hasn’t yet,” Jin Ling told Wei Wuxian, holding out his cupped hands.

Wei Wuxian didn’t really want to touch it, but he couldn’t help it. It was so small, it could hardly be called a dog at all. It made a strange grunting noise when he touched its nose, and he jumped, looking at Jin Ling with worry.

“Is it okay? Should it make that noise?”

Jin Ling was clearly making an effort to be patient. “She’s fine. She’s just a baby. Puppies are hungry all the time, so anytime you touch their face, they think you’re going to feed them. I’m going to hand her to you now, okay? Please don’t drop my puppy.”

Oh, that was a bad idea. That was a much worse idea. He tried to say no, but Lan Zhan interrupted him.

“Hold the puppy, Wei Ying, and I will hold your hands.”

Jin Ling slid the puppy into Wei Wuxian’s cupped hands, supported by Lan Zhan’s hands, and it made the noise again, this time accompanied by wiggling on his palms like a fat furry fish. He could feel her tiny toes digging into his skin, but it didn’t hurt, just tickled. He looked at Jin Ling, who was hiding a smile.

Wei Wuxian held the puppy up a little higher and peered into her black and white face. As Jin Ling had said, her eyes were closed, and her ears were barely even triangles. She had a pink nose with a black smudge under it, right above her frowning mouth.

“She has eyebrows,” Wei Wuxian said in surprise. “And a mustache.”

Lan Zhan moved his hand to pet the puppy’s back and she squirmed again, grunting and crying, tracking the touch with her wobbly head. Wei Wuxian felt Lan Zhan’s delighted inhale, and he gave in a little. He was not going to admit out loud that the puppy was cute, but she was. She was very cute. He wanted to sniff the puppy and pet her nose again, but before he could make a complete fool of himself, Jin Ling moved to take her back, returning her to the box.

“Well, da-jiu? Still scared?”

“They grow up,” Wei Wuxian argued, without answering the question. “They grow up and bite.” “Not if you raise them well and give them love,” Jin Ling retorted. “Only if you starve them and treat them badly. Are you planning to starve and abuse the puppy?” Wei Wuxian glared at Jin Ling, who glared back before raising his eyebrows and laughing.

“You like her! Da-jiu, I’m proud of you. Come look at all of them.”

He was being condescended to by a child, Wei Wuxian thought, but he didn’t resist when Jin Ling grabbed his hand and dragged him over to the box to stare down at five wriggling potatoes. They were all different colors, from the black and white one he had held to one that was almost completely white. One rolled on its back, exposing a spotted belly, and it snorted irritably until Jin Ling turned it back over.

“Next time you come, you can pet one of the other ones. They should all have their eyes open by then. Hanguang-Jun, will you make sure he comes back every week until they’re ready to go to new homes? It should be about four months.” “Four months?” Wei Wuxian yelped, but Jin Ling would not be dissuaded.

“Four,” he said firmly. “They’ll be weaned and trained by then. I won’t let you give one of my dogs to jiujiu until it’s been properly trained.”

“I always knew you’d be a tyrant,” Wei Wuxian muttered, following Lan Zhan back out into the courtyard.

“Well, then you shouldn’t have saved my life,” his nephew reminded him cheerfully.

Wei Wuxian turned to grab Jin Ling’s arm, remembering something serious. “Jin Ling, don’t tell Jiang Cheng. If...if I can’t do it...when they get bigger...I don’t want him to be disappointed.”

Jin Ling looked at him with his mother’s face when he patted Wei Wuxian’s shoulder. “I won’t. But you won’t disappoint him.”

It was daunting to have Jin Ling have such faith and trust in him, and Wei Wuxian took a deep breath.

“Fine. I’ll be back.”

Wei Wuxian was quiet on the walk back down the tower stairs and when they got to the bottom, Lan Zhan stopped him, angling his head curiously, waiting for Wei Wuxian to say whatever it was he was thinking.

“Do you really think this is a good idea? Or will it just remind him of all the dogs he couldn’t have because of me?”

Lan Zhan’s forehead creased in consideration, and Wei Wuxian loved him for taking his question seriously. “Yes. It is a good idea. Moving forward is a good idea.”

When Wei Wuxian still didn’t look convinced, Lan Zhan sighed. “Do you want to walk or fly with me?”

The question got the response it intended. “Fly, please.”

“Does flying with me make you happy? Or does it remind you of all the times you could not?” Wei Wuxian narrowed his eyes. “Well, it didn’t until now,” he grumbled. “Fine, you’re right. It’s a good idea. Are we still going to fly home?”

In answer, Lan Zhan pulled him onto Bichen and Wei Wuxian wrapped his arms around Lan Zhan’s waist, resting his head on his shoulder.

“Are you proud of me too?” he whispered, not sure if Lan Zhan would hear him, but of course he did. He always did.

“Of course I am. I always am.”

And that was enough.

[theredsuzuran]

Douma x reader - Innocence

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Took me a long time to upload a new content am so sorry for the delay I was really busy with school assignments therefore I cannot manage the time to write. I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors on my behalf, I hope you enjoy.

Warning : Dark themes like gore, blood and violence, degradation and swearing, mature content.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The moon shone brightly above the sky as it's light leak through the branches illuminating the famous building of the eternal paradise cult. A new set of followers rushed into the dwelling in hopes of fulfilling their selfish desires, diminishing their agonies and enriching their possessions. However a particular human with her tattered kimono seem not to be interested to convey anything although the people around her would die to witness even a glimpse of the charismatic leader as for now she was busy running along the wide long corridors

The sound of thumping footsteps echoed throughout the building as a herd of followers attempted on catching the miscreant who disrupted the peaceful atmosphere prevailing over the supreme cult. The already annoyed and frustrated people were all worked up to catch the energetic human who on the other hand have thoughts of escaping this place they called paradise. If only she was careful enough to notice her mother's strange behavior soon as they entered the place but how can you possibly blame an innocent little girl like her, or so she thought. Afraid she might lose sight of her treacherous mother who abandoned her just moments ago she desparety stumbled her way out although that didn't concerned her simple thinking process but that's exactly how complicated the situation was.

Turning one last time to look behind if those weird people were still following her or not when suddenly she bumped into a Tall muscular figure standing infront of her soft delicate frame she must have missed him approaching while focusing on looking behind. "Please just leave me alone!" The girl fumed coherently still overwhelmed by the amount of people rushing towards her like waves something that she was not accustomed with as for eighteen years she lived indoors interacting rarely with anyone and playing with dolls most of the time.

"Watch your tongue brat" one of the men standing beside the tall man spoke with disgust hinted in his voice. "Crouch down you insolent woman, where's your gratitude it's because of lord Douma's benevolence that you are still here or you'd be rotting in the street thanks to your mother", the people around her started whispering and murmuring behind her back but she was not bother since her senses were filled with newfound wrath how dare they insult your angel like mother? No longer able to contain your anger you shouted with tears "Then take me to my mother, I don't want to stay here alone".

"Your mother abandoned you here so shut up and deal with it, now move your way for master" the man grunted irritatedly motioning the other followers to grab her and take her away.

"No don't touch me" she wiggled under their grip rushing towards douma blocking him from entering the room by grabbing his arm tightly "I am not going anywhere until I know where my mother is" she cried loudly making the demon flinch with surprise, how pitiful the creature looked in his polychromatic eyes. He have seen many humans crying before him for obvious reasons which honestly have become his monotonous routine but somehow this girl acted quite weird being her age, interesting him enough to investigate. As he was about to speak the man beside him pushed the girl hashly making her lose her balance and fall on the wooden floor.

"How dare you touch master with your filthy hands bitch" he lift his hand to slap her tight in the face but someone grabbed his wrist just in time to save the girl from further humiliation.

"Silence" all the questioning glances, judging looks and whispering stopped at once as douma spoke nonchalantly making the latter shiver in regret.

"I am sorry douma sama" the man uttered in pure horror having no intentions to displease his beloved lord. "I was-"

"I don't want to see that happen again, understood?" He replied coldly still maintaining his wide smile as the previous chaos shifted into complete hush. The man lowered his head down with shame nodding silently. Douma averted his attention and glanced at the figure underneath making the girl jolt a bit but his once frightening demeanor changed into a cheerful and optimistic one in matter of second upon seeing her.

"Please take her to my chamber and treat her wounds" the man clapped with a wide grin plastered on his face. A group of female servants came rushing to help picking her up. The girl being too bewildered did not protested and simply follow his tone as if she was hypnotized by his neatly decorated persona.

The girl was immediately taken away without delay and as per douma he needed to attend his cult duties. First of all she was washed and changed into a beautiful kimono as soon as she stepped inside, then she was escorted into a room filled with antiques and lavish items which she have never seen. Her face lit up with fascination as she began venturing those decorative pieces.

"Looks like you have ease down a bit, good good" A familiar tone struck in her ears startling her a bit only to turn back and view the handsome cult leader although it was a bit strange because she did not heard anyone approaching.

"Aww did I scared you?" He laughed covering his face with golden fans.

"No I was just- you came in without a warning, I was taken aback" she explained blushing trying her best not to act immature to which douma laughed uncontrollably as he found this human's expression adorable say entertaining in his words.

"D-dont laugh at me" she pouted crossing her arms in the attempt.

"I am sorry (y/n), you really amuse me" he replied still grinning. However there was a moment of awkward silence between them as he uttered her name abruptly.

"I didn't tell you my name.." after a long pause she replied to him with a confuse look in her face.

"I know everyone's name who are living under my supervision including yours besides what kind of cult leader I am if I don't have basic information about my fellow followers. Oh look I have been talking to you without giving the chance to let you talk my bad" he laughed again waving his fans creating another awkward situation. Causing you to sweatdrop on his remark.

"Say (y/n) how old are you?" to which she replied enthusiastically "I am 8 years old and will turn 9 soon"

"Ah you don't look like one" douma grinned closing his eyes in the process.

"Yeah I get that a lot" she remarked shyly.

"Your mother is one of my followers" he continued

"Really?" her eyes sparked with hope as she approached douma with anticipation grabbing his arms for the second time starling him, she really like holding hands eh? he have experiences like that but somehow this girl made him feel different so he allowed her but then she stopped halfway through her words "I really miss her it's been a week since she left me here" her voice dropped with sadness.

Douma felt no sympathy for humans or anything as such, he have learned to fake his emotions from a very tender age eversince he was born to the extent that even seeing his mother killing her husband mercilessly failed to evoke feelings within. He clearly did not understand what she was feeling he just stared at her with a blank expression only to replace it quickly with a grim look even faking few tears. "(Y/n) chan you know its okay you will still have me" he patted the girl in an attempt to comfort her.

"Friends?" (Y/n) replied between her tears.

"If that's how you want us to be" douma smiled at her gently shocking himself for a second because he didn't think of smiling?

Things escalated soon after that incident, (y/n) was a kind and compassionate person from inside and out and in not time the cult followers started loving her presence. As often douma would let her accompany him and most of the time she stayed by his side following him everywhere and he didn't mind that at all moreover he appreciated her company. (Y/n) was like a fresh bud to him who depicted innocence and purity he loved spoiling her with expensive gifts yet she never showed signs of greediness and genuinely appreciated his thoughtfulness slowly forgetting the past life she was in and cherishing her friendship with douma. At first she was reluctant and didn't like getting so much attention but in the course of time she bonded better with everyone and was quite content with the life she was leading. As for douma he began to depend on (y/n) to the point that not seeing her face for even one day would make him go insane and he didn't understand why not like he want to because all he cared about was how she made him feel so many varieties of pleasant emotions he wish he could feel. Eating her was out of context.

However all good things must come to an end for he is someone to not rest in peace after the sin he have committed for centuries. Seeing douma paying her more attention, spoiling her with a ravish lifestyle and even letting her stay by his side all the time made some of his cult members terribly envious they wanted to punish her for taking their chances of stealing the spotlight. There was this one room that he forbade his followers to enter for obvious reasons and specifically for (y/n) because he didn't want to repeat the same mistake. This was exactly what they wanted (y/n) to do break the rules and Douma's trust. Like that there would be no more favouritism on her with others.

"Ah (y/n), there you are" one of the female member approached her one fine morning.

"Yes how may I help you?" She asked cheerfully

"Lord douma have asked for your presence in the forbidden room tonight and he said its urgent"

"Aren't we all prohibited to go inside"

"Oh (y/n) it's true master have arrived today and he wants your presence"

Upon hearing that news her heart elated with happiness, it has been two weeks since he last saw douma around and she missed him but something felt off about the whole situation douma always sees (y/n) first before tending his followers then why did he not come meet her did he not miss her like she did?

She was lost in her thoughts until she found two hands waving and snapping infort of her face.

"Don't be late, okay?" With that said the female hurried back into other room leaving (y/n) behind even though the situation seem kinda odd maybe douma was busy afterall.

At night (y/n) went into the restricted area. She stood infront of the shoji door in absolute dilemma debating whether or not to enter the room or go back. There was her desire of meeting douma on one hand and not breaking his trust by entering the room on the other. In the end she decided not to but as she was turning back she heard someone grunting in pain behind the closed doors being a compassionate person, she decided to open the door and enter into the darkness adjusting her eyes in the process, a pungent smell hit her nostrils making her cover her mouth and to her absolute terror the scene infront of her made her puke in disgust.

A pile of Mutilated bodies, mostly women laid around lifelessly on the blood stained tatami mattress. Many having no limbs, some headless and organs missing from their body as if someone had ate all of that. The whole room was a mess full of unfortunate people. She felt sick and began crawling down her way back from the corpses. However she felt a tight grip on her left foot upon looking down she witness the sight of a woman her intestines oozing out of her stomach begging for help. (Y/n) stood there perplexed unable to say anything chocking through tears.

"I told you not to come here, why?" (Y/n) turned her head violently to see douma standing in a distance his countenance cold and sinister evident that he was highly displeased upon seeing his innocent flower disobeying his instructions.

"It's not... like... what you see" (y/n) cried fearfully but douma didn't seem to buy it well in a blink of an eye she found herself in Douma's arms as he aggressively dragged her out of the room.

"What's going on douma" no word came out from the usual lively douma.

"It's hurting me your grip" no reply again to which she forcefully tried to stand still with all her strength. This time douma stopped his features hidden under his bangs making her unable to figure the expression he was carrying.

"Is this why douma forbade us to enter the room" no reply

"Are you responsible for murdering those innocent people?" No reply

"DOUMA" she shouted

"Why you want to join them?" Douma finally looked at her his eyes glowing dangerously proving his existence to be something unnatural. (Y/n's) eyes widen at his remarks as tears rolled down her visage.

"I hate you.." she murmured

"What?" He tilted his head letting his guard down a bit at her hurtful comments.

"I HATE YOU" she pushed douma roughly and flew from the place running deep into the forest for she knew who he was and what he is capable of doing. Tearing down she constantly reminisce the moments she shared but she cannot allow herself to sympathize his heinous crimes. Why is it that the people I love are always taken away from me? She thought. Exhausted from running she halted in order to catch her breath while glancing back to see if he was following, there was no one indeed so a sudden feeling of relief gushed in her body. However turning her head back she saw him standing inches apart from her face which made her shiver and fall onto the knees.

"Why are you running away from me (y/n)" he said apatheticly his head lowered at her level. She did not reply and stayed quite.

"Is it true that you don't love me after all the things I did for you?" Covering his face with one hand his eyes glowing under the moonlight a look of dejection written on his face. There was complete silence in the forest except the sound of rustling trees.

"Answer me" holding her face now firmly he growled making her flinch under his breath. In one last desperate attempt (y/n) tried to stab douma with a tree branch she found laying on the ground but unfortunately douma was faster and easily dodged the attack and in a swift motion he hit her with immense strength causing her fragile little body to tremble in pain as she coughed mucus mixed with blood.

"How foolish of you" he crouched down her height staring intensely at the quivering figure of the miserable girl. As for (y/n) her body ached but more was the tightness in the chest that she was experiencing in the moment.

He pulled her by the hair roughly making her scream in pain although at this point all she could manage with her cracking voice were inaudible screams.

"Why did you disobey me? (Y/n)..." who knew beneath that friendly kind face was hiding a undeniably deadly and calculative demon and at this point it was clear for her that he was anything but human.

"Who are you?" these few words manage to escape from her shaky lips in between low grunts.

"I am the leader of the eternal paradise cult"

"Wrong" to which he tightened his grip making her shriek again.

"You humans are so dumb believing in the existence of primordial deities where in reality its just a myth, a fairytale, created for pleasuring the sufferings of mere human. Being superior than you mortals I wanted to make these pitiful existence happy and that's why I was born and what you saw there" his lips curved into a cheeky smile revealing his deadly fangs creeping the shit out of the already scared girl. "I eat them so that they can always be with me and attain salvation" a sinister laughter escape from his mouth as he covered it with his golden fans. (Y/n) unable to process the new sets of information knots formed in her stomach making her sick in the guts.

"I ate your mother too, oh she was ungrateful after all the things I did to her just like you" protruding her eyes with pure shock she felt her veins popping out and blood boiling in pure rage.

"You are a monster, you think your stupid morals would persuade people to think like you do, I despise you douma I thought we were friends and you took away the one I cherished the most?"

"You think your mother loved you?" Douma snapped. The duality of this was man was insane, all the things he does or says are plastic.

"She never cared for your life, you want to know why? I will tell you since you insist" douma dragged her out of forest holding a fistful of her hair tightly inflicting great discomfort to the girl while he continued with his harsh statements and deliberate insults.

"You were just a burden, behaving like a fucking child with the alluring body of yours"

"No my mother promised me..she would protect me.. you are lying"

"While you were crying everyday inside my shrine that lowly woman enjoyed her life indulging in adultery with various cult members leaving her sick husband and mentally retarded daughter in the dark" every word he uttered spread vemon into her ears.

"Still she wanted more and more and more, what a greedy whore" douma continued.

"Do you know how much difficult it was for me to control myself around you? While you sway your hips and act innocently making those hungry men lust over you, how much dumb can you be?"

"What do you mean I don't understand.. douma"

"I did everything I can for you yet you remain ungrateful, disrespectful? Well guess its runs in your blood and I thought you are innocent but it turns out that you are just like the rest of them, naive"

Her eyes widened with every hurtful remarks he made about her and she did not understand why she felt that way shouldn't she be resentful towards him for killing her beloved mother but here she is weeping constantly because douma was treating her like he never did before.

"But that's fine (y/n) I can not bring myself to hurt you I love you and we shall always be together whether you like it or not" nothing reached in her ears anymore as her body grew numb. Her eyes shut as she carried the unbearable pain in her heart slowly loosing consciousness and remaining sanity.

It would have been easier if she died but alas a mere human like her is doomed at his mercy.

[theglitterypages]

Please could you write 40+41+42 for Levi?

40.“You’re telling me what’s going on now. Because I’m not leaving anytime soon.”

41.. “Stop saying I’m fine when you’re not.” He gripped my shoulders. “It’s fine to say I’m not fine.”

42.“You weren’t planning to tell me at all, were you?”

Title: What Kind of Monster You Think I am?

Pairings: Levi x fem! Reader

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1000+

•••

You've been feeling sick for weeks and it's bothering you already.

You decided to talk to Hanji about what you're feeling then and after that you made it clear for her that you wouldn't want your boyfriend to know about the symptoms you've been feeling as of now.

Levi wouldn't be able to focus in his work if he'll worry about your health, you wouldn't want that. “Keep this a secret Hanji, I'm begging you.” you begged Hanji with tears in your eyes and the latter just nod with a comforting smile as she held your hand.

“Of course I would shut my mouth but I think you forgot how smart Levi is.”

You closed your eyes and massaged your temples, you knew that she's right but as you suddenly felt that sensation on your stomach once again, you immediately covered your mouth using your hands and ran as fast as you could, so you could reach the toilets and vomit everything you ate that morning.

Hanji immediately followed, caressing your back comfortingly as she held your hair back, “Damn...why does it always have to be every morning?” Hanji looked at you worriedly and she tried helping you up as she guided you towards the sink so you could wash your mouth and face.

“I think you should consult a doctor.”

••••

You tapped your fingers on your lap nervously while the doctor is sitting across from you as she smile at you genuinely but that smile wasn't enough to calm your nerves down.

She's been doing that for some minutes telling you everything's gonna be fine but everything wouldn't be fine if she won't speak of the results of your consultation.

“Dr. Ross tell me what is my disease.”

The doctor laughed and you narrowed your eyes at her, nothing seems funny to you, especially now that there's a possibility that you might leave Levi in this world because of your illness.

“Let me tell you the symptoms of the disease that we're talking about Miss L/N.” she pushed her glasses up her nose and stared down at her notebook, you nodded at her and she started repeating the symptoms that you told her. “Nausea or vomiting in every morning, swelling of breasts, sensitivity to touch, frequent urination and tiredness. Is this all Miss?” you nodded and gulped as you tried calming yourself down.

Your heart is beating so fast while the Doctor is silent as she smiled at you, honestly, you're thinking that she's smiling because it's a sign that you're dying.

But when she put down her notebook and opened her mouth to talk, you froze on your seat while tears formed at the corner of your eyes.

••••

“Oi Jean.”

Jean immediately looked back upon hearing his Captain's voice as he stood straight. He was currently feeding the horses and he had no idea why Levi would call him right now.

“Have you seen Captain YN?”

Jean shrugged his shoulders and rubbed his nape as he awkwardly smiled at his captain. “She just arrived with Hanji-san but I don't know where she is now.” Levi frowned for a moment before walking passed the younger cadet, his gray eyes wandering around, looking for his beloved girlfriend.

At the end, Levi's feet brought her in front of her room. He knocked for three times, not saying anything.

You were silently crying, you still don't know what to feel about what the doctor has told you and you know it wouldn't be long until Levi notices everything that's going on.

His reactions scares you the most so you chose to lock yourself up in the room and hide from him because you don't know how to tell him.

When you heard three consecutive knocks on your door, you immediately wiped away your tears and stood up. Maybe it is Hanji, she's so worried about you when you told her your situation but you said that you'll be fine, for now, but maybe she got too worried and decided to check up on you.

But when you opened the door you realized that you made a big mistake.

“Are you crying?”

Panick immediately filled Levi's heart as he saw your swollen eyes, he stepped inside the room quickly and held your face, wiping the remaining tears away using his thumb.

“I'm just tired, Levi.” You told him after removing his hands off your face, his mouth gaped open, no matter how tired you are you never did this to him, you'd always let him stay with you but right now he could tell that something's wrong.

He sighed and pulled you close to his chest, “I'll let you rest if I know that you're telling the truth but love, this isn't about you being tired. You're telling me what's going on now because I'm not leaving anytime soon.” you bit your lower lip and gently pushed him away, you looked up and meet his dull gray eyes, your heart rate sped up as he took a step forward.

You stepped backwards and sat on your bed while Levi stood in front of you, still confused of what was going on.

“I'm fine Levi, just go.”

“Stop saying I’m fine when you’re not.” He gripped your shoulders. “It’s fine to say ‘I’m not fine’.” he made you face him and your healt melted the second you saw him smile at you, “You know how much I love you, right Levi?” you removed his hand on your shoulders and held it tightly before you leaned up to kiss him quickly.

Levi stared at you for a moment, worry was written all over his face, “You're scaring me...” he breathed out.

“Oh Levi, you have no idea how scared I am right now.”

“Then tell me, tell me what's scaring you. I can't understand why...why it feels like you've changed towards me these past few weeks...” Levi was not a fool not to notice how he would always wake up without you by his side and how he would find you laughing with the cadets instead of being with him.

He wasn't a jealous person, he was never jealous but he saw how you've never changed towards anyone while you've changed when it comes to him.

He did his best not to do the things you wouldn't like, he knew how you can be jealous of Petra so he would only talk to her if it's important, he didn't mind it. He knew how you love sitting on his lap as he works and he let you do that even if it's slowing down his works.

And he also did his best not to scold the brats too much in front of you and he's always been by your side every expedition because he knew you get worried about him a lot and you want him to be placed somewhere where you could see him.

He wanted to give you his all because he doesn't want you to leave. But right now it feels like he's slowly losing you and he has no idea why.

Just like when he was young...

Kenny left him without a word despite of his efforts to learn everything he taught him, he did his best to impress him but at the end, Kenny left him to fend for himself.

Your eyes widened as you realized that Levi is getting the wrong idea, you raked your hands through his raven hair and smiled at him. “I trust you that's why I would say this Levi. If you...if you'd change after this, I would gladly let you go.” you told him quietly as you stared into his gray eyes.

With a deep breath you prepared yourself to say the words.

“I'm pregnant with your child Levi.”

Silence.

It was all you've got and as you looked at Levi's eyes you see nothing. You removed your hands on his hair and looked down at your lap.

“If you don't want the child, I will be fine. I can...I can support the child and I wouldn't get rid of my child even if it means you would leave me.”

That sentence made Levi snapped out of his thoughts even if he's barely able to absorb the information he heard.

“You think I wouldn't want my child? What kind of monster you think I am?” he asked, clearly offended that you think that he'll abandon you because of this pregnancy. His mother chose to gave birth to him despite of her situations, Levi knew how he was never expected to came in his mother's life but Levi knew how his mother fought for him so he could live.

“It's not what you think, I just thought...you wouldn't want to have a child with me and this is unexpected for both of us...with all these chaos I don't think you'd—”

“So you weren’t planning to tell me at all, were you? You'll just avoid me is that it?”

You looked down, confirming that his assumptions are right, Levi closed his eyes and held your hands before kissing it gently and when he opened his eyes he smiled at you sweetly.

It was a smile you've never seen before, it was much sweeter than the smiles he've given you before.

“I love you and I want you to know I will never want any woman to bear my child other than you.”

[farfromharry]

The one without the suit | Peter’s girl

Summary: Peter doesn’t know where to go when Mr Stark takes his suit away from him after the ferry incident so he comes to you. You spend the rest of the night comforting the distraught boy.

Word count - 2746

Warnings - language? i don’t think there’s anything else

A/n - i’m gonna try and do regular updates for this again, but it probably won’t happen😳

━━━━━━━━━♡♥♡━━━━━━━━━

It all kept replaying in Peter’s head, all those people he’d put in danger just because he couldn’t let this go. Even you had told him he needed to stop, so why couldn’t he?

He sat and stared into the water with a frown, his legs dangling over the side of the building while his mask sat beside him on the ledge. God how had he messed up so bad, Mr Stark must be so angry.

Speaking of, he heard the suit before he saw it, his eyes squeezing shut as he braced himself to get yelled at by his mentor. Swinging his legs over the side and beginning to head in the direction of where the iron man suit stood, probably empty of the real Tony Stark, just like the time at the lake.

The words he was saying- yelling, weren’t really registering in the boy’s head, Peter was wanting nothing more than to skip the lecture and just apologise to the man for everything he’d caused. He didn’t even really care how this was going to affect him, not while he didn’t know the aftermath of the boat. 

“Is everyone okay?”  That was all he really cared about, knowing that no one had gotten hurt all because he screwed up, again. 

“No thanks to you.” 

The next few minutes had been a blur of Peter raising his voice angrily, finding it very difficult to believe that even after all that happened where he’d just tried to help, Mr Stark was still blaming this entirely on him. He remembered apologising profusely, not seeing the anger in Mr Stark’s eyes falter for even a second.

“I’m gonna need the suit back.” He felt like his entire body was shutting down, his heart shattering and a lump building in the back of his throat. Peter begged him, trying to change his mind with empty promises that meant nothing.

“F-For how long?”

“Forever.”

That one word kept repeating in the boy’s mind.  Forever. He was never getting the suit back, God he fucked up again. Walking down the streets of New York in clothes that weren’t his own was probably mortifying on a normal day, but he felt like there was a cloud of shame hanging over his head that everyone could see, and that was much worse.

He didn’t know where his feet were taking him at first, making the subconscious decision that he wasn’t yet ready to go home to his aunt in this state. Peter wasn’t sure if he’d ever been this disappointed or embarrassed with himself. He managed to fuck up so bad that the Tony Stark, his idol, his mentor, took away his suit. 

He was disappointed in him. 

Granted Peter was only a kid, heck he was still a teenager, but he felt like he owed it to Tony to be the best, to be better and apparently Mr Stark thought so too. 

He was growing increasingly self conscious walking through the streets of Queens in clothing they’d gotten from lost and found at the ferry dock. He probably should’ve gone home. May was definitely worried sick about him right now, but he didn’t have the strength to go and face a lecture when all he wanted to do was curl into a ball and let his emotions out.

He had to stop for a minute to realise that he’d been walking to your apartment on instinct. 

It felt like a second nature for Peter now to go to your window every time he was in need of help.

But it hurt him in a way he couldn’t explain when he realised he was unable to swing his way up there, not having either of his suits or his web shooters. The boy sniffled quietly, deciding he was just going to have to show up at your front door, hopefully not disturbing your parents.

He took the elevator up, giving him a chance to think everything over again, the boy deciding he needed some kind of distraction at least to ease his mind. His feet carried him from the elevator to your apartment door, the boy knocking before he'd even registered he was doing so.

“I’ll get it,” you yelled. You paused the movie you were watching on the TV, getting up from the couch. You didn’t bother to check you looked presentable, assuring yourself it was probably just your neighbour, she was a very old lady that often forgot the keys to her apartment and would always ask if she could use your spare that your parents had made just for this situation.

You grabbed the key that resided in a bowl beside your front door, pulling it open with a small smile on your lips. “Forgot your keys again Mrs Ka- Oh, Peter hi.” 

You furrowed your eyebrows slightly as you stared at the distraught expression that had overtaken your friend’s face. He sniffled slightly, his head raising from where his eyes were locked on the floor. You stepped forward and carefully placed your hand on his arm.

“Pete, what’s wrong?” you asked. His eyes were bloodshot and dark when he looked at you, the boy looking like a kicked puppy. Your heart ached just at the sight of him.

“He took my suit,” he whispered, so quietly you didn’t hear him. You stepped closer, placing your hand on his cheek gently.

“What?” 

“Mr Stark took my suit, I let him down.” 

That was the final straw for him. He let out a heart wrenching sob, falling into your arms utterly broken. You weren’t sure what you were meant to do, having never seen him in such a state, so you simply wrapped your arms around him and cradled his head against your chest.

With all the hugs you’d shared with Peter, he’d never held you so tightly, but he’d also never been so upset in view of another person, not even May. Not when his parents died and not when his Uncle Ben died, his tears were restricted to the eyes of him and him only. 

His crying had obviously alerted your mother, seeing her head pop in to look in the living room where you were cradling a crying Peter. She raised her eyebrows, her eyes softening out of motherly concern.

She took your word for it when you just shook your head, promising you’d help him and stay with him until he calmed down.

“Come on, Pete.” You helped the boy up off of the floor and towards your room. He’d been in your room plenty of times over the past few weeks so he took it upon himself to crash on your bed instantly. You didn’t know what to do, you’d never had to deal with consoling a superhero that got their suit taken away from them, so you didn’t fully understand what that suit meant to Peter, even if you did know how much he enjoyed being Spiderman. 

“Peter, I-“ you sighed, sitting on the bed beside his exhausted body. “I’m sure you didn’t disappoint Mr Stark.” 

He scoffed, running his hands over his face exasperatedly. His heart was aching. “You didn’t see it in his eyes. You didn’t hear it.”

Your heart ached listening to the words muffled by the covers of your bed. You could hear his quiet sniffles as he tried to calm himself down, the deep breaths not doing much of the sort. You took a seat beside him awkwardly, your nose scrunching up when you caught a whiff of the boy’s unusual scent.

Your mind told you that a hot bath might help him, as it was always a comfort to you when you were having one of your days. You gently laid your hand on his back, rubbing over the material of his shirt softly for a few moments before you suggested your idea. 

“Why don’t you go take a hot bath? They help me when I’m down,” you said, seeing him turn his face to the side on the bed so he could look at you. “Plus you smell like garbage,” you teased. 

He clearly wasn’t in much of a joking mood when he simply stood up with a nod of his head, his eyes still morphed into puppy dog eyes. You flashed him a tight lipped smile, mentally scolding yourself for how badly your attempt at lightening the mood had gone. 

»»——⍟——««

You’d generously offered to wash Peter’s hair for him when he stated that he didn’t think he was up to it. He was flustered as he agreed, listening to your promises about just washing his hair for him, no peeking or anything, and then you’d be out of there. 

“You promise you won’t look?” he asked, a stern look in his eyes as he wasn’t sure he could do this if you even took as much as a tiny peek. You rolled your eyes, cursing him for having no faith in you. “Peter, I don’t even want to look.”

He seemed to take offense to those words too, his nose scrunching in confusion. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

You huffed at his childish behaviour, telling him there was not a single chance you were about to have this discussion with him about why you didn’t want to see his dick, that was a whole other story.

Eventually he took your word and headed for the bathroom, calling you in when he was ready and sure you wouldn’t be exposed to anything you didn’t want to see.

“Thank you,” he whispered, sending you a genuine smile as you lathered up the coconut scented shampoo on your hands. You shook your head, dismissing his thanks by telling him it was just what friends did. Maybe not all friends, as you couldn’t imagine too many people had to console their superhero friend after their hero suit was taken away from them by their billionaire mentor. So maybe it was just a you and Peter thing. 

He hummed quietly as your fingers threaded through his locks, gently tugging when your fingers would encounter some kind of tangle. You muttered apologies under your breath but they went unheard by the boy who looked as though he was in complete bliss.

“Pete.” It took him a few seconds to hear you calling his name, his eyes snapping up to yours with a shy, apologetic smile. You giggled at his shyness, gently guiding his head to tip backwards so you could wash the soap from his hair.

You repeated the process of washing and rinsing one more time to ensure he no longer smelled like dirty garbage, before leaving him to finish up and dry off in your bathroom.

You started to worry when he began taking his time, scared that something bad had happened, even though you knew he was able to take care of himself.

But your worries died down when he came out of the bathroom with the same clothes he’d worn earlier, pulling a small amused smile from you at the sight of him in hello kitty pyjamas.

“You okay?” you asked, noting that he hadn’t yet said a word since emerging from the bathroom. His voice came out slightly scratchy, a sign of all the sobs that had wracked his body. “Yeah, jus’ need a hug.” 

Your heart warmed in your chest, arms opening for the boy to crawl into. “I can do that.” 

»»——⍟——««

“I’m so tired,” he mumbled, harshly rubbing at his still teary eyes with his fists. You frowned, taking his hands in yours and moving them away from his face so he couldn’t hurt himself. He’d cried so hard and so much in such a short time that he was physically exhausted. 

You wrapped his arms around your waist, letting him lay his head on your chest so you could hold him. Your hands threaded in his freshly washed hair, the scent filling your senses much more pleasant than the one he’d originally arrived with. You gently untangled any knots that had developed in his curls over the course of them drying from the water, the boy humming softly. 

The feeling of your fingers gently scratching at his scalp and playing with his hair was almost enough to soothe him completely to sleep, but you could feel that his body was fighting it off as he probably didn’t want to feel like he was burdening you with another thing.

“Peter?” you whispered. He hummed tiredly in response, nuzzling his face closer to you. “You’re kinda heavy.”

He gasped, finding the energy to raise his head and gape at you as you held back your giggle. He couldn’t say he wasn’t grateful for you trying to put a smile on his face, even if that was through an insult. 

“That was so mean,” he whined, a smile threatening to form on his lips. The first smile you would see from him today.

“M sorry, but you are. Are you forgetting you’re literally built like a God?” He rolled his eyes, cheeks flushing a soft pink at the hint of a compliment. You let out a loud laugh, trying to shuffle away from him as you muttered his name repeatedly. He was laughing now too and the sound, after everything you’d seen from his attitude tonight, was music to your ears.

“Pete, stop!” you squealed. He collapsed down beside you on the bed, the two of you catching your breath as your stomachs began to ache from all the laughing. He still had a grin on his face when you turned your head to look at him, smiling softly as you noticed that familiar sparkle in his eye.

“Pete?” you asked, after your laughter had died down into a comfortable silence. “Yeah?” 

You sighed. “Does May know you’re here?” 

He didn’t respond for a few minutes, answering pretty much everything you needed to know. He could feel your eyes on him, making him feel even more guilty about the whole situation.

“No, she doesn’t,” he finally admitted.

You took his hand in yours, the action still making Peter’s breath hitch even after the many times the two of you had embraced recently. “You should call her, she’s probably worried about you.” 

It took a bit of convincing, but after a while he did call May. He moved out into the hall so he could have a little bit of privacy, not wanting you to hear the earful he was about to get from her.  She was angry, and rightfully so, scolding him for leaving her in the dark, but she was still mainly more worried about her nephew’s safety.

He came back with a rather sullen look on his face, phone in hand as he stood awkwardly in your door frame, like he was uncomfortable.

“I-I have to go, May wants me home,” he mumbled. You nodded your head, flashing him an understanding smile. You’d already guessed that May was going to be upset with him, so you could only pray for him for when he got home. You took a deep breath, pushing yourself up off of your bed and heading straight to Peter to hug him.

“I’m sorry,” you started. “About everything that happened tonight. It’ll all be okay,” you promised, rubbing your hand up and down his back. He pursed his lips, nodding as he pulled away.

“Thank you, Y/N.” 

You followed him from your room to the door of your apartment, seeing the way he dragged his feet sadly along the wooden floorboards. He sent you one last look over his shoulder, and in the light the rings of redness around his eyes were accentuated. 

You watched him walk out of your apartment with a small frown on your face, waving goodbye to him with a rather quiet, “Bye Peter.”

You closed the door with a sigh, your heart aching at the situation Peter had been put in. You knew how much he loved being Spiderman and you knew this wouldn’t stop him, which would probably only cause him more harm, but you trusted him and you hoped that Stark would be able to see he made a mistake.

“Did Peter leave?” You turned and looked at your mother, nodding your head. 

“Is he okay?” she asked. You plastered on a fake smile, nodding your head and pretending as though your last few hours consoling the teenager hadn’t happened. 

“Just some family problems, but I'm sure everything will be fine.” 

━━━━━━━━━♡♥♡━━━━━━━━━

peter’s girl taglist → @sunsetholland @captainamirica @tomsirishgirlx @givebuckyhisplumsnow @lou-la-lou @slutforsr @tayyx @gog0juice @minejungwoo @creatorofthegalaxy @annathesillyfriend @paninipress @bvttercupbby @peterswebshooters @whoeveniskendall @itsallyscorner @hoodpankow @sunwardsss @hallecarey1 @writingrem @mamaparker28

[bonny-kookoo]

Soulmates (JJK x Reader) ☁️🔞💜

✨ Pairing: Jeon Jungkook x Reader

✨ Genre: Angst, Breakup AU, Idol AU, Smut, fluff/romance

✨ Warnings: Breakup, crying kookie because that needs to be a warning, arguing, shouting, some mean things being said, safe sex because we wrap it up even if we’re sad friends, vanilla sex, it’s just basic lovemaking y’all what do you think this is, hopeless romantic Jungkook, jk is super bad expressing his feelings and kinda petty

✨ Summary: Jungkook always told you that you were his soulmate. But sometimes, soulmates aren’t meant to be, are they?

Jungkook had a nasty habit.

And it was that every time he thought he was right, he became selfish. And no, not in any cute kind of way. He would start to chase his own tail in a sense; completely blocking out any kind of other opinion than his on a topic. It lead to the shouting match you both had now; his voice considerably louder than usual, a whine to his tone that in no way was intended to be charming. No, the way he drawled out certain syllables was to only further make sure you knew how upset he was.

"What do you want me to do!" He yelled, looking at you with a gaze that you knew could easily guilt-trip you into giving in. But this time he needed to be an adult, you needed him to understand your side of the situation as well. "I can't just make everything disappear and make everyone forget my face." His eyes were still hard. "They'll figure it out anyways, I don't get why we have to hide it anyways!" He groans out, as you sigh, a headache incoming.

"Because it would be the end, Jungkook." You argue back, voice however in no way as loud and stern as his was. "I'm not telling you that you have to be an actor onstage, but I'm asking you to leave our problems and arguments Off-Stage Jungkook. Everyone on twitter got concerned why you were so serious during your stage!" You said. Because this had been the main issue at hand. He have had a concert just a few hours ago, but you weren't able to attend it. The reason had been that some staff members forgot to pick you up from the airport due to some problems that had come up last minute. You had been understanding, simply ending up taking a cab to yours and his shared apartment, watching his performance via livestream instead. He'd sounded upset over the phone, frustrated even, yet you had tried to reassure him that it wouldn't be his last- you would always be there the next. What did upset you however, was how he had been openly upset onstage about it. He seemed agitated, serious, and not his usual self, which had lead to not only his bandmates scolding him, but also you. You had simply asked him to remember that fans couldn't know what happened away from the cameras. They didn't know, and they had no hand in it either- he was being unfair by punishing them with his behavior. But his habit of growing hostile when critic got too personal blasted everything out of proportion, now ending in the situation you had in his kitchen.

"Well, I'm not gonna go up there and be all happy while I don't even know if you're safe!" He barks back. "You're just as important to me as the band, as my job, can't you appreciate that?" He whines, and your eyes become even more upset.

"Jungkook, I do appreciate it, but it's also what I'm scared of." You say, and he furrows his brows. "You can't do this Jungkook, please. I told you I can wait, I'll wait forever, but this is a limited time. I want you to enjoy it fully, without responsibilities, because they'll be there soon enough. I want you to be with your band 100%." You say, and he suddenly grows quiet.

"You sound like you're breaking up with me right now." He wonders across from you, his voice now eerily low and considerably less loud and angry. You can't look at him.

"I don't know if I should." You answer him, and his eyes suddenly widen a bit, glistening as the tip of his nose turns red. He's close to crying, you know it. But you have to do what's best.

"Don't." He says, hands balling into fists before he nervously wipes them down his sweatpants, suddenly on edge. He's always like this whenever he's unsure of what he's supposed to do. It's quite endearing, if it wasn't because of such a matter. "You- We'll find a solution, I shouldn't have, you know, gotten so upset-" He starts, but you shake your head.

"Please, let's just.. not." You mumble, and you still can't look up at him. "I'll uhm.. I'll sleep on the couch, okay? I try and be gone tomorrow morning." You say, and only now do you move, trying to get out of the kitchen, as he suddenly embraces you from behind, his large body shaking as he struggles to form a coherent sentence through his tears.

"No no I didn't mean it-" He apologizes, even though there is nothing there to say sorry for. "I'll be better, I'm sorry, I won't do it again-" He chokes out, but you hesitantly grab his hands, trying to unravel his arms around you. He holds on tight, like a toddler not wanting his mother to go and leave him alone. It somehow feels just as heartbreaking to you. "Don't go, I'm not letting you, please stay.." He begs, and it reminds you of a tamper tantrum your friends kid held in a store a few weeks back.

"Jungkook please, don't.. don't make it so hard." You say, trying to be brave but ultimately failing as you have to swallow hard to keep your own feelings locked. At least until you're alone. You finally manage to get out of his hold, as he stands before you, eyes red and cheeks wet with his tears as his bottom lip trembles visibly.

"Are- you serious?" He asks, voice higher in pitch as he struggles to keep it steady. "You'll leave me alone like that?" He almost accusingly says, and you sniffle.

"You're not alone Jungkook, you're never alone. You shouldn't even be here, you should be sleeping at the dorms like you used to. I'm just pulling you away from the band, and its not fair! I have no rights to do it, I'm being selfish, I'm now interfering with your work as well, Jungkook, don't tell me you're this blind." You say, as he looks at the floor, caught red handed.

Jungkook dries his nose on his sweater sleeve as he swallows. "I'll.. go and sleep at the dorms then. You uhm.. can take the bed." He mumbles, as you nod, even though you probably won't be able to. "Are you.. will you.." He starts, and you nod with a sad smile.

"My promise still stands." You say. "If you'll still want me then, I'll wait until this dream is over." You say. He nods, biting his lip as he grows unsure again. He doesn't know what to do, if he should hug you, or not, kiss you, or not, hell he doesn't even know if he can look at you now. So he simply nods again, shuffling away as you stay put, listening to him putting his shoes on, as the door shuts after he leaves.

Only then does it hit you.

And only then, do you let yourself cry, sob as you scream and fall to the ground, letting it out.

As he sits in the living room he once felt so familiar in, he notices how alienated he feels. It's awkward as Jimin and Suga look at him, unsure what they should say. Only now does Namjoon come into the room, surprised to see the youngest. "What's going on?" He asks, and Taehyung gives a bottle of water to Jungkook, as the youngest mumbles his answer.

"We broke up." He says, and everyone seems to grow sad at it. They really liked you, even though everyone had been wary at first; you had proven to them however, that you were genuinely in love with Jeon Jungkook, and not only the Jungkook of BTS that made headlines if he only did as much as sneeze in public. His money didn't matter to you and neither did his fame- yet they had all feared this outcome. "She said uhm.. she doesn't want to interfere with my work so.."

Suga nods at this, and sighs. "Mature choice." He says. "Shows she cares about you." He concludes, as Jimin seems to want to argue. Jungkook shrugs. "But I think a lot of it came from you." He speaks, as he looks at the youngest, who furrows his brows. "Think about it. It was your choice to spend your time at your private apartment rather than here so you could be with her. You get upset when she doesn't text you, and fuss over her if she gets hurt." He explains, as Jungkook suddenly feels as if he's being scolded again, huffing as he slids into the couch with frustration. "But that's who you are; you invest yourself 100% if you find something that makes you happy." Yoongi puts his phone away.

"That's totally helping, hyung." He grumbles out, as Jimin throws one leg over the other.

"I think what he's trying to say is that you have to find a good balance." Hoseok says as he sits down as well. "You always give it your all, and thats great, but it wont work long-term. Split your time equally, make space for a piece of everything instead of trying to carry it all at once." Jungkook sighs, as he feels his eyes sting again.

"Well, doesn't matter anyways." He huffs out, as his voice chokes up again. "Guess at least PD-Nim will be happy." He grits out before he begins to cry again, everyone at loss on how to comfort the youngest of the group.

Jimin chimed in at that, gently scolding the youngest. "Now thats unfair." He says. "He's not gonna be happy over you being upset Jungkookie." He scolds, and Jungkook looks down at his hands in his lap.

He knows hes being petty and childish right now. He knows things like these happen. He knows that you love him, and that you're probably just as upset as he was.

But he was heartbroken as well.

And he hates it.

It takes him a while to figure it out.

It takes him to break down during a concert in front of thousands as he realizes its the first ever since your breakup; as he remembers that no, this time he won't go home to his own apartment but he'll share a room again. He won't be rubbing his sweaty hair teasingly on your neck to hear you laugh and yell at him to stop. He won't be getting to hold you through the night after he'd made sure you both felt close and satisfied before he'd fall asleep with you.

It takes for him to cover a heartfelt song with your name on the tip of his tongue, making fans fawn over the emotional tune in his voice as he let's go of his pent up feelings through the only thing he knows he's good at; music.

But he eventually figures it out.

BTS is granted a small hiatus, a moment to breathe, as he immediately knows what he wants to do with the time he'd been gifted. He visits his parents, tells them about you and his plans, and feels even more motivated as he finally returns home into his private apartment, previously owned by him and you. He wonders how many nights you'd fallen asleep in front of the TV waiting for his live concerts to be shown. He sits down, grabbing his phone, as he calls your number, secretly wondering if you've changed it.

You didn't.

Nothing is being said at first, until he speaks. "Hey."

"Hey." You answer, unsure.

"I've made time now." He says, and you sigh on the other side of the line, saying his name as you're ready to argue, before he stops you. "No no no not like that, aish.." He runs a hand over his face, hair longer now as he thinks about what to say next. "Long term. I.. Yoongi-hyung said that I'm merely growing up, and that that includes changing, but-" He starts, and his voice is a bit raspy from slight overuse from recording another cover earlier that day. "I wanna grow up with you, not away from you. I wanna change, but I want to change right next to you I-" He stutters a bit as he grows nervous. "I don't want to wait until this dream ends Y/N.." He says, throat closing up as he thinks about how you maybe changed your mind. He can't give up like this, though. "I want to live this dream with you." He finishes, and its quiet for a moment. Until he hears you sniffling.

"You're stupid." You say, and start to laugh as he does too.

"Where are you right now?" He asks, and you sniffle again before you can answer.

"Crying at Hangang bridge, what about you?" You chuckle, and he smiles at no one in particular.

"Can you.. Can I pick you up?" He wonders, picking at the ends of his sweatpants' strings. You agree, and he gets up immediately, grabbing his jacket, a mask, and his cap as a disguise.

The door hits the wall with a loud noise, making Jungkook hiss a bit as he's a bit startled by the noise, before he simply resumes in kissing you feverishly, not caring much about any damage might done as he closes it shut behind him. He slips out of his shoes and picks you up with ease after you've discarded yours as well, stumbling a bit with you in his arms as he laughs on the way into his bedroom, your arms safely around his neck in fear he could drop you.

He'd never.

He makes sure your back meets the mattress softly as you both shuffle out of your jackets, his cap meeting the floor somewhere as he unhooks the mask from behind his ears, the fabric having been moved to rest under his chin anyways, simply to be able to kiss you silly. He shrugs off his coat as his hands help you to throw your shirt over your head, his body crawling over yours as his hands move over your skin. He's in heaven, absolutely insane for your touch as your cold hands slip under his oversized carhartt shirt. He wonders for a moment how he could ever make it work without you, without your presence, your touch, your love and care for him. He's happy he doesn't have to, glad he was able to pull you back towards him, as he leaves open mouthed kisses along your neck, carefully cupping your breasts until he unhooks your bra, helping you discard the piece of underwear before he places a few kisses on their bare skin as well, relishing in the feeling of them, warm and soft in his palms.

"I love you so much." He mumbles onto your skin as if to tattoo the words underneath it, to keep them safe inside your flesh never to be forgotten by you.

"I love you more." You humm against his lips as his meet yours, his grin making his eyes crinkle at the sides as he helps you get him and you out of the rest of your clothes. He moves away for a moment to get a condom, before he jumps back on the bed in a manner that's almost too childish considering what you're about to do, but somehow it's so undeniably Jungkook that you simply laugh, closing your eyes as your head falls into the wrinkled bedsheets below.

"Impossible." He answers a little late, as he slips on the safety over his length, kissing you again as he carefully slips inside you, breathing out a sigh of relief at the feeling of your warmth around him. "You feel like home." He humms out, a rough grunt escaping him as he begins to move his hips, years of dancing experience making it easy for him to find a rhythm perfect for you both. You still smile.

"You're so cheesy." You huff out, as you look at him, his hair falling downwards as your hand instinctively reaches for the back of his head, pulling him onto your lips again, hooked on his taste as he needily bites your lower lip, sucessfully opening your lips to grant him access. A younger, more innocent version of him would've thought of this sloppy and intimate way of kissing as weird and maybe even gross, but his current version couldn't care less. He'd do anything to feel close to you.

So he doesn't care that your juices make your bodies slippery, that his sweat starts to collect on his temples, or that the sheets underneath you two would probably have to be washed. It doesn't matter, because he's with you, he's holding you' he's inside you- nothing could make him stop now.

When he reaches his climax, spiling into the condom inside you, he reaches between you two, inked hand finding your most sensitive spot as he eagerly moves his fingers over it, making your whine and whimper as you come undone as well, clenching around his sensitive cock as he breathes heavily, letting his head rest on your shoulder as you both take a moment to collect yourselves.

He laughs after a moment, slipping out of you with a slight hiss at the sensitivity, before he heavily rolls onto his side, taking a deep breath before he groggily heaves himself into a sitting position, discarding the condom before he flicks on the bathroom light with a click, the sound of gushing water soon filling the apartment as he filled the bathtub with warm water, carefully opening a drawer where some of the bathsalts and soaps were kept, before he puts some in, gentle smell meeting his nose as he smiles softly. He tucks some of his hair behind his ear as he steps back into the bedroom, corners of his mouth still turned upwards as he spots you still laid out on his bed. "Come on, let's take a bath, yeah?" He humms, as you smile sleepily, letting him carry you into the bathroom where he sits you down in the tub, returning into the room after he'd put the sheets into the hamper in the bathroom, and put new ones onto the bed, ready for when you both would return.

He steps into the tub, sitting behind you as he leans back against the cold tiles, you in his arms as he sighs. "I mean it, you know." He says as takes the loofah from the side, gently moving it over your arms as he carefully cleans your skin. "I'll balance it out better. I promise-" He says, as he moves your hair away from your neck over your shoulder, kissing the top of your other. "I'll be better. I promise." He concludes, before you move, turning around as you return his soft gesture, moving the soapy sponge over his skin as well as he watches you with fond eyes.

"Okay." You say, and almost laugh as his eyes widen, brows shooting up into his hair as he grins, moving forwards to hug you tight, uncaring for a moment that the water slightly spills off the sides, making him look at it in surprise for a second, before you both laugh as he lathers your face in sloppy kisses.

"Thank you!" He repeats. "Thank you- thank you- You won't regret it, I'll be good, promise!" He says, and you smile at him.

You know he's gonna keep his promise.

You're happily chewing on your snack Jungkook had bought you earlier, as your head rests on the crook of his neck, your legs thrown over his lap as you sit on his thigh, his hands clicking the mouse and typing on the keyboard as he adjusts some stuff. He'd invited you to spend some time with him at the studio, only if you wanted to of course, and he did tell you it would probably be boring. You disagreed, even now- sure, you weren't doing anything, but it was interesting to see him produce songs. He clicks to save his project, before he shuts down his computer, leaning back in his chair as he groans, head falling backwards. "Done?" You ask, and he shakes his head.

"Not quite, but I shouldn't be working anyways." He says, as he pulls his phone out of his jean pocket, checking something before he playfully slaps the side of your bottom. "Alright, up up, we have a camper van to pick up and some bags to carry love." He exclaims, and you smile. He'd decided after a bit of brainstorming to take you on a small trip to jeju Island, having managed to get in contact with some people to be granted access to a more private campsite, so he could spend his small trip as safe as possible with you. He'd post any picture of the scenery and him later, after the trip- he knew how easily his fans could pin point where he was from past experience.

As he locks the door of his studio, he walks down the hallway with your hand in his, mindlessly, as if it's second nature for him to hold it anywhere he goes with you. Its charming, how he doesn't even notice he's doing it anymore.

He even opens the car door for you while he talks, again not noticing it at all as he simply continues what he's doing, driving you both to your now officially shared apartment. He'd had a talk with his bandmates about him and the dorm life- and they had all agreed that it was okay if he wanted to move in with you. As long as he'd spend enough time with them to not end up growing apart again, they were fine with it. After all, he was growing up, and that also meant for him to grow more independent.

He put the bags into the back of his car, a rented Palisade, as he drove you both to the airport, the plane you both board taking you to Jeju in a mere hour. A cab takes you two to the rental service where the campervan was already waiting for you two. He smiles as he moves everything into the van, thanking the guy providing some explanations on how things work, before he sits in the drivers' seat, you climbing in beside him on the passenger seat. He grins for a moment before he turns on the engine, driving off as you smile as well.

You don't know how the future is gonna go for the two of you. You're sure this wasn't the last hurdle you would be facing, but you're more sure than ever that you would manage it somehow. You'll make it work. You know that.

Because at the end of the day, you're still his soulmate. And they'll always find a way to be together.

Thank you for reading everyone, and please stay safe and healthy!

Love, Bonny. (C)2020 Bonny-Kookoo. Please do not repost, translate, or edit my content. Thank you very much.

[minniepetals]

Rose & Thorns: 07

— summary: a lone rose, a little broken, until Jungkook came along and the two of you saved each other. and in doing so, Jungkook showed you a world where he shared with his six other mates.

— pairing: bts x reader

— genre: angst / fluff / poly!au / fantasy!au / dragon!au

— word count: 7.5k

— warnings: hurt and comfort

╰ part 1 / part 2 / part 3 / part 4 / part 5 / part 6 / part 7 / part 8 / part 9 / part 10

"Prince Taehyung? If you're the head of the nursery nest, how are you able to take care of me?"

"Because this is my part time job," the dragon told you while mixing herbs with a light spirit. "I've always had the tough decision to choose between watching over the whelps or being able to heal my whole clan which are both an honor to do but in the end I chose to be a guardian of the little ones."

"Really?" You stared in fascination from where you sat on the bed. "What made you choose the whelps?"

"Baby dragons are adorable, dear Y/N," he laughed cutely. "Kinda like you."

You blinked, not expecting such a bold comment as your face began heating up. "L-like me?"

"Yup," Taehyung nodded as if it wasn't uncommon to say such a thing.

"But, how?" You asked, even more flustered because he was so casual about it. "I thought baby dragons aren't able to transform into their human forms until they've aged into a more mature age."

"They can't but they're still cute and you're cute too so they remind me of you."

Cute.

He was probably the first person to ever compliment your looks — well, Jinyoung did it before but he was rude about, someone you didn't really feel comfortable to hear words out of. Yet with Taehyung, you felt more at ease hearing the compliment coming out from his mouth.

"Hey, when you get better, want to come visit the roosts with me? They'll love you, I just know it."

Though flattered, you tilted your head in confusion at the excited boy. "How would you know?"

"No one is born with hate, dear Y/N," Taehyung told you with a voice that was calmer and sincere, "we only learn to hate because the people around us has taught us to do so. Maybe that's why you only love."

Love.

"Your parents must have been the sweetest, huh? To raise such a sweet child who doesn't know how to hate?"

You smiled at his soft words as you looked down at your hands. "They had...the sweetest love for one another," you remembered. "Mother had always been ill but she risked her health even more by giving birth to me. Father never gave up hope though, he was always there for the both of us. They've always taught me to look on the bright side to things, to people, and know that if there's a dark side, there is always going to be light. Like the moon. Father left us sooner than we expected but even then Mother never lost sight of her love and hope for me. I always blamed myself for making her health worse but she's always told me that I was a gift and that the world will one day reward me if I continued being kind and gentle."

"And you believed her."

"Of course." You smiled. "One day the world will see," a sigh left you, "hopefully."

"It will." You hadn't realized Taehyung had gotten up from his spot to walk on over to you until he took your hands into his larger ones, stroking it with such gentleness. "One day you'll find happiness and people who will give you the same amount of love as you have given the world."

"You really think so?" You asked him with bits of doubts, unsure and worried, timid and afraid.

Taehyung gave you a sweet smile as he squeezed your hands. "I know so."

When he looked at you, he could see a beautiful rose waiting to bloom. The rain had already given you enough of itself, now you just needed light in your life in order to grow from your budding state.

"One day, Y/N, one day soon."

.

.

"Jungkook?" You called upon his name softly, gently, a soothing voice he wanted to hear forever. Was it wrong to want to hold you? Was it wrong to want to take all your pains away so that you could never understand what hurting meant? Was it wrong to want to love you?

His eyes continued gazing out from the balcony, watching his clan from below while he replied with a soft hum. He loved his mates, loved ruling the clan alongside them, so perhaps it was indeed wrong to want another by his side when he already had six. Jungkook felt so selfish but a part of him didn't want to admit to his wrongdoings, didn't want to admit that the feelings he felt for you were wrong.

He didn't want for it to be wrong.

You deserved someone to love you in turn for the world's forsaken kindness and he wanted to be that person — or maybe one of them?

Was that wrong? For him to want his hyungs to see what he saw in you so that they wouldn't hurt if he ever did confessed the things he felt for you to them? He knew he could never confess to you, not before letting his hyungs know and getting their permission. They mattered as much as you did.

"You're lucky, you know."

"How so?" He asked.

"To have a love so sweet and beautiful," you breathed. "I don't think I've ever seen such a love so pure. Your hyungs all care about you, the same way you worry and care for them. It's something many will envy, you know, you should never lose that love."

Jungkook knew his love was pure, always knew he'd never want to leave any of his hyungs and would want to spend all of his life with them by his side. "Really?" yet he asked, curious for how you perceived their relationship in your eyes.

You nodded. "You'd do anything for them, wouldn't you?"

"I would," he confirmed.

Your gaze fell with a genuine smile, a little envious of the beautiful love but more happy for him than anything. He deserved such a love, they all did. Your hand reached up to trace along the scar that held just slightly away from your heart, an arrow you had taken because you saved Jungkook and brought him back to his home.

And now? Perhaps now it was your turn to find your own home.

"When I am all healed and can walk on my own without support of another, I am planning on taking my leave from this clan."

Jungkook's head was quick to snap your way and you almost flinched at the abrupt moment. His eyes widened, brows a little furrowed as if he couldn't believe what you had just said. "What?" He asked, words a little too soft, almost a whisper, as if he was afraid he heard it right.

But you sent him a smile despite the fear in his eyes, despite the little stab in your heart and a little moment of relief from the way he looked as if hurt to hear you wanted to leave. You felt glad for just a moment. "Home isn't a specific destination, it's where your heart lies, where you feel safe, loved and protected. You've found that within the arms of the other princes, and I have yet to find my own but I don't believe my home lies here."

Why not, he almost said it aloud.

Almost.

But he had almost forgotten that you weren't his, you didn't love him in the same way he was falling for you. He had almost forgotten that if he were to ask those two words, he'd sound desperate and you'd wonder why. You wanted your own home and you didn't feel it through him or anyone in the clan.

If he were to ask the question aloud, it'd be an even more selfish wish upon wanting you to stay despite the fact that he knew he couldn't have you.

So knowing that, knowing he couldn't keep you forever even if it meant just watching you from afar in hopes of your heart being his, he let his head process the whole thing, nodding slowly though reluctantly.

"I see," was all he could utter out in a low whisper.

Deep down, he hated it, he didn't want to accept it.

But he had to.

"What's wrong?"

Yet no matter how easy it was to hide his feelings from you, it could never go past the ones that did loved him back, the ones that had known him for much, much longer.

"Nothing," he tried to say.

"You're lying, Jungkook," Seokjin said with eyes that grew with more concern because they had set a promise to tell each other everything and Jungkook, out of them all, wasn't one to break promises.

They all watched their youngest lover while he stared into an empty space, past the plate of food that hadn't been touched since dinner started.

Jungkook wanted to show them that he was okay, he didn't want to hurt them because of the things he felt for you, but he knew that he was going to have to tell them the truth one day. But did it have to come so fast? Was there really a need to tell them so soon? He didn't want to.

But they weren't going to have him going to bed restless with that frown on his face, not without a talk first.

He didn't want to talk. Yet he knew he had to.

And for that, his heart fell. "I'm sorry," he breathed almost inaudibly before swallowing a big lump that rested in this throat and blinked quickly at the tears that threatened to escape.

He stood up from his seat, ignoring the concern in his hyung's voices as they called after him. Jungkook kept walking away, not wanting them to see his tears though he knew fully well that he could never hide from his mates. They knew him more than anyone, loved him more than the universe itself.

But the thought of speaking up and inevitably hurting them even further than he had already done so, Jungkook didn't want to face them just yet, he didn't want to be selfish.

"Jungkook?" The eldest called upon his name softly while his heart dropped at the sight of Jungkook in the bedroom, curled up in one of the corners as he tried his best not to cry while hugging his knees. He looked so weak, so vulnerable and the sight was enough for them all to want to do absolutely anything to make their youngest mate smile again.

"It's Y/N, isn't it?" Namjoon guessed, his voice gentle as he tried his best to assure Jungkook that just the name alone wasn't going to make him resent anything. Weeks before, he would have hated it, but after your sacrifice, Namjoon couldn't bring himself to hate you even if he wanted to.

He didn't want to now.

"I'm so sorry," the youngest prince squeaked. So, so scared. Afraid not just for them but for his own feelings that had kept growing and growing. He didn't know whether to feel guilty or not. Jungkook didn't know what to do at all.

Jimin began to hush him gently as he took a seat beside him, placing his young mate's head against his chest. "We're not upset at you, Jungkookie," he reassured. "What are you worried about, hm?"

He cried into Jimin's chest, the sounds echoing into the room which broke their hearts. "She says...says she's going to..-to leave after she heals." A few minor hiccups. "And I don't want her to leave. I don't want Y/N to leave. She saved my life."

"And she saved mine," Namjoon nodded, acknowledging the fact with a soft understanding. But as he knelt in front of Jungkook and took his hands into his, Namjoon squeezed it with a tight smile on his face. "But this is her choice, Jungkook, we can't make the decision for her."

"I-I know but..-"

He knew, knew more than anyone that he'd rather let you leave in peace and with a smile rather than to stay in the clan feeling like you'd never belong. You wanted to find a place that would accept you, a place that would love you just as you had loved the world. And maybe that'd take a while, not because of you, but because people had yet to understand of your true pure nature.

But ever since learning the fact that your former village had never liked you, Jungkook always wanted to protect you despite the position he was in. You became the keeper of the dragon, the keeper of him. You kept him company, spoke of stories after stories so that he didn't have to be alone in that cave, brought him food each morning, stole blankets to keep him warm, and risked your own life to help him escape so that he could return home.

The scar left upon your left chest, a scar that will always remain no matter how much time will pass, will always remind him of what you have done for him.

He felt so, so guilty. He loved you yet he felt so useless and unworthy of loving you. You saved him yet what had he done for you? He couldn't protect you from when his hyungs had once hated you to such an extent, he couldn't make you feel better when you were left trapped in the dungeons. It was Jimin who had helped you out. And he hadn't been there to protect you when you fell from that cliff along with Namjoon, left to only destroy himself over the fact that he couldn't do anything.

"Why can't I be the one to save her just as she had done for me?" Jungkook asked in a small weak voice and Namjoon's eyes fell.

You were always the one on the hurting end, the one to sacrifice your own happiness for someone else's.

"I want to save her too, hyung."

But would you let him?

.

.

"Oh, you're um, up early."

You looked over at the sound of Hoseok's voice and found the dragon flying just a few feet away, surprised you were up earlier than the sun. He looked like a beautiful creature from where you stood, golden eyes similar to that of Jungkook's, contrasting Seokjin who held the eyes of the moon.

You wondered what colors the others held.

"I can say the same thing to you, prince Hoseok."

He smiled with his head beckoning over towards the higher grounds of the mountain leading outside. "I'm in charge of the early patrol this morning, gotta be extra early to get ready. And you?"

You hesitated for a moment before replying. "I couldn't sleep well the night before."

"Why's that?" He asked and you gave a light shrug.

"I guess I had too much to think about last night."

Hoseok fell silent for a moment as he thought back to Jungkook who couldn't sleep as well because even the thought of you leaving had broken their youngest mate's heart. A part of him wanted to understand what the feelings were, but another part of him felt conflicted because he didn't understand.

And what about the others?

He could see it in Jimin, the soft care he had for you, taking in everything he learned about you and holding that dear to his heart. Seokjin grew a soft spot for you too, he could tell. He was no longer grumpy about having to take care of you and most days he'd willingly take over Taehyung's nursing for you when Namjoon wasn't in much of need. And Namjoon was beginning to care as well. After you saved him and he held you close while you finally broke down for the first time, you also became a soft spot for him.

The rest of them, him, Taehyung, and Yoongi had yet to figure it out but something told him it wasn't going to be hard.

"Thinking can be good but sometimes it gets a little overwhelming. Clear your mind, Y/N, be at peace." You stared at him with confusion as if you didn't know how to do that. A light chuckle escaped his lips. "I know a great way to take your mind off of things."

"What's that?"

"I'll show you," Hoseok offered. "It's right on the highest point of the mountain but don't worry, we don't have to venture any further than that." He could tell you were still afraid and in fear after the attack. "Want to come with me?"

You hesitated for a moment but then thinking about it, you guessed being left by yourself all the time wasn't at all a good thing and perhaps Hoseok would be able to get your mind off of things so you nodded at the prince. "May I?"

He smiled sweetly. "Climb on."

It was a little more difficult than not having someone else hold you while you got on a dragon's back but you made it towards the highest point of the mountain nonetheless.

When you got down from his back, you walked cautiously towards the edge of the mountain, staring in awe at the sight in front of you. It was as beautiful and exciting as when you were with Seokjin and it felt like you were on top of the world. The Earth was vast and fascinating in ways you could never find the right words to describe, but in your heart, you felt like owning it all.

The love and divine land of Earth.

From where you stood beside Hoseok who had already shifted back to his dragon form, your eyes could only focus on the sun breaking through the endless white clouds, its streaks stretching onto the vast land and gifting the earth with its mesmerizing bright yellow and orange rays.

"You're so lucky," you told the man beside you. He tilted his head just slightly and you answer his unspoken question. "The world is so much more beautiful when you're looking from the sky. I've always only lived looking at the Earth from the grounds and though it can be beautiful in its own way, it's nothing compared to this sight you get to witness everyday."

Hoseok smiled. "Having wings has its benefits," he said, nodding, "but it's nothing if you can't share it with the ones you love."

"Hence you are even more lucky for that."

Hoseok was silent for a moment, eyes only focused on the view in front of him but his mind consisted of you. "Where will you go, Y/N?" He asked and you look away from the view for a brief moment.

"I don't know," you admitted, "but the world is vast. I'm sure I'll belong somewhere."

"What if you belonged here?"

You smiled softly. "I wouldn't mind. But I'm a human."

"So what?"

"It's tiring, prince Hoseok."

He looked at you. "What's tiring?"

You sat yourself down on the ground and he followed, eyes never straying from you. "Everything, Hoseok," you told him. "I'm so tired."

And you did looked tired. Not like the tiredness where all you had to do was take a nice good rest — though that would be ideal too — but the kind of tiredness that left you deprived of energy and love. You were tired of keeping up, trying to prove to others of your worth, and a part of him knew that it was partly their fault.

You were just another person capable of anything they were, yet because of stigmas and the way dragons and humans didn't naturally get along, you were hated for a reason no one had yet to find out. You were kind and gentle, soft and sweet. You saved their youngest prince when you didn't have to. You betrayed your own kinds for a dragon that felt more human to you than anyone else you've met back in that village. Yet even after all that sacrifice, you still had to face discrimination and loneliness that you didn't deserve of.

"Come here," was what Hoseok said in response. You looked over at him with some confusion while he gestured for you to scoot in closer to him, patting at his lap. "Rest, Y/N."

You hesitated. "You're a prince."

"That's only a title," he insisted. "Now come."

You shifted towards him and slowly laid your head against his lap. Before long, you felt soft, long fingers running along your hair and the soothing touches were beginning to make your eyes droopy. Hoseok did that often to the younger ones when they felt uneasy and just needed time to stop everything and rest. He was used to it, to taking care of others when they needed it most and always being able to tell.

The two of you remained there in silence but you didn't mind it. There was no need for exchange of words, his actions alone told you that he wanted to make it better for you, to make things easier and that you could always rely on him if you needed.

Hoseok knew he should have already gotten ready for the morning patrol but right there in that moment with you, he also understood that it was far more important to keep you company. Maybe the others will be alarmed when they figured their patrol leader wasn't going to show up, or find you missing from the medicine nest. But for the time being, all he cared about was letting you have your rest.

"Is Y/N with you?" Taehyung asked the moment Jungkook flew in and transformed himself back into a human.

The maknae's brows furrowed with alarm. "Why would she be with me? Where is she?"

"I-I don't know," the older man quickly began to panic. "I thought that if she wasn't here, the first option would be that she'd be with you."

"Have you checked with the others?"

"No."

"Hoseok's missing too. He hasn't shown up to the morning patrol," Jungkook quickly informed before returning to his dragon form and flying out.

Taehyung spat out a curse as he followed his younger mate from just behind, both heading towards the castle to see if the others had seen the two of you. Yet when they both realized that the others had also not seen you nor Hoseok around, it only worried them further.

"Maybe they're out together," Jimin tried to suggest.

"That early?"

He shrugged when Jungkook doubted.

"He's supposed to be out for the morning patrol."

"Maybe it was an emergency and Y/N needed some fresh air, let's not panic alright?" Namjoon said, stepping up to try and calm things down.

"Hoseok won't leave the mountain right before a patrol even for something like that," Yoongi pointed out as he thought about it. He knew Hoseok a little more than the rest because they grew up together, as close as soulmates could be. Kind of similar to the relationship between Jimin and Taehyung.

So he also shared something with Hoseok, a place they often went to when they needed to take a break — or in this case, for you to take a break.

Perhaps Hoseok had brought you there.

"You look like you know where they might be," Seokjin interpreted and with a light nod and a glance Jimin's way, he sped off in his dragon form.

"I thought you might be here," Yoongi noted the second he flew down and returned to his human form, finding you lying against Hoseok's lap. He kept his voice low (though it wasn't with much effort because Yoongi was usually quiet), and looked at the two of you. "Is she alright?" He asked and Hoseok shrugged lightly.

"She's tired," he stated. "Tired of many things."

"I would be too," Yoongi nodded. "It's surprising she's held on for this long."

"She's used to it, I guess." Hoseok's eyes fell down to your form, watching you with a soft gaze as you breathed in with a slow pace, clearly deep in the sleep that you needed. "It's sad, isn't it? Knowing that we were one of the reasons to cause her distress?"

"We can change, Hoseok," Yoongi told him, "it isn't too late."

It wasn't too late.

Nothing was ever too late, for Yoongi knew that it was better to be late than never so when Hoseok looked up and their eyes met, a mutual gaze of understanding tied them together like soulmates and Hoseok smiled.

"You set off a panic, by the way."

He raised a brow. "Did I now?"

Yoongi chuckled and Hoseok joined in just imagining the maknae line worrying over nothing too serious. "You can apologize later, just head to your morning patrol. I'll take Y/N back," Yoongi offered and when Hoseok nodded, the older man kneeled down next to you, joining Hoseok in waking you up.

"Hey, little one," the younger one cooed as he lightly brushed his finger against the tip of your nose. Your face scrunched up cutely and they chuckled at your little whines of protest. "Time to wake up."

You opened an eye, frowning with an adorable pout. "You can sleep some more when we return to the nest," Yoongi informed and you look between him and Hoseok in confusion. "Hoseok has a morning patrol," he answered your unspoken question.

"I'll be back, don't worry."

Why did everything feel so soft all of a sudden?

Just minutes before when Hoseok had first approached you you weren't feeling all that great, thoughts running all over the place while your heart weighed heavily against your chest. Everything felt overwhelming but now? With both Yoongi and Hoseok there, something about their presence made it better.

You couldn't pinpoint why but you liked it. A lot.

"Come on," Yoongi encouraged and picked you up in his arms. Still sort of half asleep, you took advantage of your hazy thoughts to snuggle in close to him.

It felt wrong yet so right at the same time and Yoongi only held you closer. You couldn't remember ever seeing Yoongi acting gentle towards you before but it was fine. More than fine. And you liked it.

Liked it a lot.

And when he brought you back, the only thing you could remember — besides his gentle hold — was the bright moon that held his dragon eyes.

"They're going to love you so much!"

When you asked Taehyung to meet the whelps, he had been so excited to let you visit the nursery nest where all the baby dragons resided, yet there was one thing he was certainly not prepared for.

The overwhelming cuteness overload due to the combination of you and the babies.

All you did was say hi to a little baby dragon just four years of age and the next thing you knew, the remaining whelps were quick to surround you at all sides and Taehyung watched from the sideline, watched your soft smile that grew so bright and brilliant as the babies all asked for you to pick them up because they've never seen someone as pretty as you before.

He stood there by himself leaning against the entryway, not minding the peace he was finally given because the babies did adored him too, and now that they had someone else to play with, his presence was nothing more than invisible because of you.

But he was happy to just stand there and watch.

You looked so happy and soft, being so gentle and sweet towards the babies that he couldn't help but feel butterflies fluttering in his tummy just watching you surrounded by them. He never knew he'd love it that much but he did.

It was only when a little one tried to climb on you and accidentally touched the shoulder that was still in the process of healing did Taehyung finally step in to make his presence known. You were too kind to push the little one away but he heard you wince.

"Careful with her," he warned in a gentle chiding voice and everyone looked up with exciting eyes at the familiar caregiver of the whelps. But Taehyung paid no mind to them just yet as he walked over to carry the little baby that was hoping to grab your attention by climbing on top of you. He met your eyes with a soft concerning gaze. "You okay?"

Before you could give him an answer, the whelps were already bombarding the two of you with questions filled with concerns, worrying for you.

"Is noona alright?"

"What happened?"

"Did someone hurt her?"

You gave out a soft chuckle as you shook your head lightly. "I'm alright, I'm alright," you assured them all.

"But you little ones have to be careful around her, okay?" Taehyung chided softly again with pointed fingers going around at each of them. "She heroically saved Namjoon and hurt herself so she needs time to heal. Her shoulder is injured."

Their mouths gaped, eyes widened, and their wings and tails flipped around with excitement just from hearing what Taehyung had just said.

"You saved our leader?"

"You saved prince Namjoon?"

"Wow, noona is so cool!"

"How-?"

"When?"

"I didn't..-" you cleared your throat as you sent Taehyung a pout to his exaggeration, embarrassed for yourself now. But he only giggled. "I didn't save him," you emphasized to the little ones.

"She's being too humble."

"What? No, I-"

"So no matter what she says, just know that Y/N is pretty and kind and if someone ever bullies her, you have to be the big and mighty dragons you are to protect her okay?" He instructed them all and when you try to protest again, a little dragoness, the one who Taehyung had picked up to rest against his hold, spoke up before you can.

"But I'm not big and mighty," she said to the prince with cute pouting eyes as if disappointed she wouldn't be able to protect you when the time ever came. "I wanna protect unnie."

How cute they were to already have such a bond with you even though it hadn't even been a day. But Taehyung was fond of it and wanted to take advantage of it, so he gave her a sweet smile before poking at her little nose. "You are strong and courageous and if the prince says you are mighty enough to protect someone else then you believe his words without a doubt," he told her then turned to the rest to echo the same thing to the doubtful ones and you watched him with a gentle gaze.

He had the sun in his eyes as a dragon, like Jungkook and Hoseok, but as a human, they all shared the night sky and you couldn't help but wonder why it was so fascinating to you.

But you had to shake the thoughts away as the children brought your attention back on them, their eager selves declaring to protect you just as Taehyung had told them to.

It was wonderful, and Taehyung was right when he said that no one was born with hate. At first you had been afraid of visiting the little ones that would soon make fine warriors for the clan some day. You were afraid that they wouldn't accept you just as the older dragons.

But being there and finding yourself surrounded with love and laughter, your heart began to warm up and glow a beautiful sunlight's ray.

It felt nice for once, to not have to worry about judgement and needing to prove yourself to be accepted. Children always brought out the best in others because they were all born with love and only had love to share. They were too innocent to understand the evil part of the world, where hate and beliefs in society separated others and you were so happy for that.

Perhaps it wasn't all so bad, being there in the clan.

The prince's have all seemed to warm up to you, being much kinder than they were previously, and now you had admirers who wished to see you again the next day and other days to come.

"I'm telling you, the goblin is kind and sweet and handsome."

"Goblins can't-"

"You've never seen a goblin so you can't tell me what they should look like," you were quick to cut Jungkook off when he tried to tell you otherwise, a scolding expression on your face while he remained stubborn.

The four of you sat around in a circle where you resided, the three maknae dragon princes awaiting to hear one of your many stories, yet it was cut off too soon by Jungkook.

"You've never seen a goblin so you can't just say that they're nice and good looking," he countered. "No stories have ever said that they were nice and good looking."

"But this is my story, you can't base your facts off myths and fairytales," you pointed out a little more agressively as the argument began to rise and Jimin and Taehyung looked at one another, laughing silently. "What if myths and fairytales went on about dragons being ugly creatures and that they are nothing but mean and vicious?"

Jungkook frowned as he rolled his eyes. "There are already stories that base the facts off those ones."

"Exactly!" You argued. "You see how that's wrong? You can't just discriminate another creature just because you've been hearing the same rude things about them over and over again in stories and folktales. Their feelings could get hurt, you know."

The dragons laughed at how cute you were being. "So that's why your goblin is nice and handsome?" Jimin asked.

"Mmn!" You nodded without hesitation. "So stop interrupting me, Jungkook, because I really like this story. Father told me about it."

He settled down upon hearing the last sentence with a soft gaze. "Your father?"

Your smile grew just thinking back on it. "It was mother's favorite story. But he made the goblin ugly and I didn't like that so I changed that part of the story."

"Alright then," Taehyung leaned back to settle himself with a soft smile, "proceed."

"Right. As I was saying," you cleared your throat to begin the story again, hoping there will be no interrupting this time. "This story is about a handsome goblin, the goblin's bride, and a handsome grim reaper."

"Grim reapers-"

"Jungkook!"

The man could only laugh when you, Jimin, and Taehyung all shouted at him for interrupting you.

He loved it though, that moment right there, upon the lighthearted night that became a supposed sleepover with you returning to your beautiful glow. But he knew that right then and there was a much better time than when you were back in your village.

Your smile was genuine, everything felt genuine, even when you pouted and scolded at him for trying to interrupt. The memories of the cold nights in that dungeon made him shiver a little but he was glad for it, glad to have wondered off and gotten caught. After all, everything happened for a reason.

He met you. You became his light admist the night and set him free.

And even though not everything had been great when you came to his clan and you had to suffer for so long, being there in that moment while he stared at you telling your story with an intense passion, Jungkook wanted to believe that everything previous had all been worth it.

Because Jimin and Taehyung had joined him, wanting to hear your stories as well. And the other hyungs have gotten closer to you as well, smiling rather than giving you the glares like before. The clan had even began to warm up and the whelps loved you.

And you were smiling.

Genuinely.

He wanted to say that it was all worth it. That it was enough to convince you to stay.

He wanted you to stay.

"Tired?"

Seokjin didn't have to ask to understand that you were tired because just watching you from where you sat helping him with his herbal remedies made sense with the way your head kept dropping and eyes kept drooping.

"We ought to keep an eye out for you little ones when you have your game times," he chuckled.

"We weren't playing games," you told him with a big yawn. "They were just listening to me while I told them my stories and we lost track of time because they were that good."

"Really?" He grinned and you hummed with pride. "Then I think the whelps would love that, wouldn't they?"

"Would they?" You asked with interest, head perked up at just the suggestion alone.

"Everyone enjoys stories, Y/N," Seokjin said, "especially the little dragons. You should go to the roosts and surprise them with your presence, Taehyung told us they really love you."

A light hint of blush formed around your cheeks upon hearing Taehyung telling them about you and the little ones. "But..what about you?" You asked.

Seokjin turned around, tilting his head in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I like helping you out in the medicine nests but if I were to head to the roosts, won't that make you lonely?" You pointed out. "Taehyung has the whelps to keep him company, who will you have if I'm not here?"

It was so cute the way you were thoughtful for even just that and the eldest of the prince found himself smiling softly at your consideration. "No worries," he brushed it off lightly, "it is a much harder task trying to keep young dragons in line. Training them to one day become an apprentice of a warrior is not a task for just anyone and I think you have the gift of taking care of the little ones. We need that in our clan, you know."

He hoped it wasn't too straightforward but just enough to try and subtly tell you that he wanted you to stay with them in the clan. If you ever wanted to leave on your own accord then he hoped it would be because you just didn't feel it was your rightful home rather than because you just didn't feel needed.

And it wasn't just because his little maknae wanted you to stay and he wanted to make him happy, but it was also because Seokjin genuinely wanted you to remain in the clan.

He'd have a talk with Namjoon about it later on.

"You think I'm perfect for the job?" You asked him and he nodded.

"I know it."

"But being a healer isn't just for anyone either, you know," you told him. "Not everyone can listen well and do the tasks you tell them to do. Can't I do both?"

Seokjin chuckled. You were just too kind for your own good. "Maybe we can squeeze both in your schedule."

You sent him a bright smile that almost blinded him. "We sure can! I'll make sure of it. I'll help both you and Taehyung with no problems you won't have to worry about a thing."

Seokjin was ruined.

So, so ruined.

"Should we build bridges?" You looked up at Yoongi with a confused gaze but he went on. "Should I ask Namjoon if we should set up bridges to connect the nests together?"

"Bridges?" You asked.

"You know," he said, "so that it'd be easier for you to walk around rather than taking the long way around, traveling back and forth between the medicine nest and the roosts."

You eyed him carefully for a moment. You hadn't even started the jobs side by side and yet he already knew. "How often do you guys discuss about me?"

More often than we should, Yoongi wanted to say but he knew that wasn't appropriate just yet. Him and the guys have found themselves always talking about you whenever there was an opportunity, whenever discussions about the clans were over and the topic would almost immediately turn to you.

"I'm just saying," he shrugged off the thought, "it'd be a lot faster and efficient."

Yet you shook your head. "Don't bother. Building bridges would mean taking a few warriors out of their tasks and besides, I..."

You trailed off and Yoongi watched you.

"What?" He queried before stating bluntly, "still thinking about leaving?"

You could only shrug at his question before changing the subject. "Anyways, prince Seokjin asked me to collect some herbs for him and since I don't have wings like you guys, I came to you."

"To me?" He raised a brow, slight amusement falling upon his face.

"The patrols have already gone so I couldn't ask them to pick up some herbs or ask for a ride, prince Jimin has to keep watch of the dungeons, prince Taehyung has to watch the little ones, and prince Namjoon and prince Seojin are busy on their own."

"So you just assumed I wasn't busy myself?"

"No, I-" you stuttered to defend yourself, "I didn't mean that. I just didn't know who else to turn to. I'm not really used to the other dragons but if you're busy then-"

"I'm kidding, Y/N," he cut you off with a light chuckle, amused by your presence alone. "I'm free for an hour, no worries," he said as he stood up from where he was lying, stretching his limbs with a big yawn before jumping off to transform into the dragon he was. "Climb on," he beckoned and you smiled, jumping onto his back without hesitation unlike the first few times you've climbed onto a dragon's back, and the two of you rode the wind.

The sky felt safer that time around with no worries about another clan trying to invade your space because they had already been dealt with.

It always felt nice riding the back of a dragon that made you feel safe, as if you owned all of the lands and skies. You would have never imagined yourself feeling so free at that moment right there. Things were beginning to look up, the happiness and freedom blooming in your chest, warming your heart.

Yoongi had once been so cruel and coldhearted. They all were. But eventually they found themselves on the wrong side and decided to change their ways.

There was no need for apologies. Words were only empty thoughts unless actions were done about it. And they showed you through their acceptance and smiles that they were sorry for what they've said and done and that was all you needed.

But a part of you was still unsure about where you belonged.

Did you belonged with the dragons? Or was your fate to roam around the Earth, traveling on your own and seeking new discoveries and wonders?

You didn't know yet but sitting there on the back on Yoongi, you know you wouldn't mind it if your fate belonged with the dragons. After all, it wasn't just the princes that had begun to accept you, but the clan itself was beginning to warm up to you.

Seeing you with their young ones, the whelps who were all fond of you and took great pride in their vow of protecting you, or the way you'd go out of your way helping Seokjin out with his medicinal remedies as the prince had once been left alone to deal with the task, you thought of it as them beginning to see your true heart.

And you hoped you weren't wrong.

"Go on, I'll wait for you here."

With a basket in hand, you took off on your own while the dragon prince settled himself on the grounds of the forest, resting in his dragon form and closing his eyes.

You chuckled at Yoongi's typical drowsy self before going on to search for the herbs Seokjin had asked you to.

It took about a good twenty minutes to fill up your basket halfway yet just as you were about to search for some more feverfew, the voices of humans was what caused you to freeze up. It wasn't the fact that they were human, why would you be afraid of that when you were a human yourself? And you knew Yoongi could take care of himself if they were to ever catch him.

No.

It was so much more than that.

Because those voices? Especially the one that was loud and clear and held a sickening humor that brought chills down your spine, memories of the night you saved Jungkook and tried to run away with him came spiraling back almost instantly.

The angry voices of the villagers echoed in your ears, the arrow that had pierced against your chest, the scar still there and would never go away.

It was as if fate was playing with you, the same once fading memories returning to your side clear as a crystal just as you had taken a step forward into the world. Only for it to force you back to where you had once came from.

He took a step forward and you trembled in fear as you took two steps back, realizing who it was.

Jinyoung.

It was Jinyoung.