#working on finding some balance and consistency regarding how much I allow my thoughts and findings to spiral outward

[tinysnailtales]

Life really punched me in the face, kicked me in the gut, and knocked me down (several times) but–

I am coming back with more thoughts! On Yona, Inuyasha, Apothecary Diaries and whatever suits my fancy. Probably in a different, more review-like format.

[spiritsglade]

3, 6, and 17 for the ask game!!

[meta asks for writers]

3. What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

i am not allowed to tell you the main one that comes to mind because i'm trying a thing with that one where i don't tell anyone about it. because if even one person knows about what i'm planning my brain will sometimes switch gears into 'i have already successfully shared this story with the world' even though that's not how that works, and then i never write it. therefore if i don't tell anyone about it -> fic will be written. so far this is Not Working, but whatever. anyway it's essence propaganda so if i ever want to support my glorious beloved i will simply have to Write The Fucking Fic.

sorry that was a lot of rambling to tell you ultimately nothing. the runner-up though is a scene where red hood!jason meets one of willis todd's old high school (maybe college) friends!! and their little meetcute happens because that guy sees jason like undercover in a bar or whatever and notices the resemblance to young willis (because jason looks like his dad to me <3 and i am not talking about bruce!!!). and it ends up being this guy reminiscing to jason while jason gets worse and worse at pretending that he's just some stranger with an uncanny resemblance. and eventually you get this weird little relationship where they're tied together by this dead guy that both of them mourn but neither remember very well and they don't really get together all that well otherwise and it's just. it's good. in my heart.

this just requires me figuring out a lot of Timeline Bullshit regarding willis's life and jason's birth and everything with sheila and cathy and i do want to mention in there somewhere how the hell willis knows shiva and also i'd have to put in the effort of disseminating this information without just making it one guy spouting exposition for however many words straight. it is on the backburner.

this is technically what liam sanderson's whole deal is in lies of omission but none of this is mentioned in that fic because i simply do not have the time or bandwidth but trust. believe me. it has that going on!!

6. What character do you have the most fun writing?

oughh i think i have to go with cass cain here. i honestly think i'm bad at it lmao i still need to actually find my balance with how i want to write her voice. (the version of her in lies of omission is alas not true to my vision!! because of allowances i had to make to be more consistent to the first time i wrote her pre-reading batgirl 2000 and etc. etc.)

anyway. she's just so unique with the focus on body language and how that informs her perspective. writing her is so different from everyone else right from the start. she can basically mind read!! and that lets me, even in a limited pov, to pull in information that other characters simply wouldn't be observant enough to pick up on. but her perception is still limited by what she knows/wants to see. and i like to make her fairly blunt with her words/observations so she knows exactly what's going on and also terribly fumble the social interaction anyway. which is awesome i love that.

also when writing her in other people's perspectives she gets to be weird and strange and unnerving. i love that for her.

17. Do you think readers perceive your work - or you - differently to you? What do you think would surprise your readers about your writing or your motivations?

i think the answer to this is just... yes? but i don't have anything smart or insightful to say about it, lol. my longfic is popular in a way that i am straight up failing to conceptualize. having a lot of readers -> some of them react to my writing in ways i didn't intend or focus on parts of the narrative that i wasn't putting that much thought in or whatever. large enough sample size and you get a lot of variation.

i guess something that could be surprising - with how babs has been acting lately in said longfic - is that i really do love barbara gordon as a character. and she's one of the batfam members that i would really really like to see get along with jason. shared joker trauma, she's one of the few who knew jaybin and probably the one with the least personal baggage with him as a result of his whole red hood return. their relationship could be sooo interesting. and wow i sure have failed to dig into any of that in lies of omission.

my motivations... idk. i think i'm pretty clear with them. i like jason todd. sometimes i put him in situations.

[lemonjoonah]

Level of Restraint (M)

Pairings: Jimin x Reader, Namjoon x Reader, Taehyung x Reader Word Count: 13K  Rating: M  Genre: Thriller, smut, office AU, BDSM AU  Warnings(contains spoilers): This story contains very dark themes and may not be suited to all readers, protected sex (vag+anal), threesome, double penetration, bondage (including partial suspension), dom/sub roles (reader is a sub), praise kink, mild degration, sensory deprivation, spanking, fingering, cum feeding, mild breathplay, sex toys, exhibitionism, voyeurism, discussion of safe word, Namjoon is a professional dom/sex worker, referenced discrimination of sex workers and those who participate in BDSM, public outing of sexual practices, inappropriate workplace relationships, referenced death of minor character, yandere character, misidentified sexual partner, manipulation, bribery, blackmail, implied stalking, violence.

Summary: As a co-founder of a consulting firm you can’t afford to be caught in a scandal. So flirting with your secretary, Jimin, would be out of the question. Giving your client’s son, Taehyung, a reference for a sexual partner would be reprehensible. And having regular paid BDSM sessions with your dominant, Namjoon? That would be a career ending disgrace. It’s too bad the only restraints in life you approve of are the cuffs that bind you to the bed, because there are those hiding in the dark waiting to take advantage. 

A/N: A huge thank you to everyone who supported me while writing this story. It was hard not to question the level of darkness this tale descends to. In the end your assurances and aid are the only reason this fic made it to fruition. Upon reading you might notice several thematic references to the ‘Fall of the House of Usher,’ by Edgar Allan Poe  and the Greek myth of Tantalus. They are two of my favourite tales, and together they greatly represent the darkened desires depicted in this oneshot.

...

8:55 am KNJ: Good girl.

Your heart races upon receiving the response you’ve been waiting for all morning. The sender had requested proof that you were wearing his last minute gift, and you were happy to oblige with the lewd photo. Finally seeing his simple praise for your efforts makes you grin from ear to ear, as you enter the front door to your workplace’s building. The message will be enough to get you through the day, high on the thought of his praise while his present is wrapped tightly around your ribs. Though the garment may be confining, you’ll endure anything to receive those two simple words.

Reluctantly glancing up from your phone you look ahead to see the elevator closing.

“Hold the door!” You call out, making a run for it. Mercifully the gap between the doors widens allowing you to climb in before it begins the long haul up. Glancing over to your savoir, you find your secretary standing at the panel. “Thanks Jimin.”

“No problem,” he responds with a warm smile. “What floor do you need?” Joking as he pushes the button labelled 14. 

You playfully shove his arm while trying to catch your breath. Had he left you down on the first floor there's no telling how long it would be before the elevator returned. The building in which you work has been down to one lift for a couple days, with no promise of when the other will be fixed. It’s not a surprise really, ever since you moved into this complex three years ago you’ve been plagued with breakdowns and shotty utilities. Considering how opulent  the tower is, with it’s gilded elevators and halls adorned in finery you expected better, but people often overlook flaws when they have something pleasant to stare at. Allowing the management to slack on some of the failings of the structure. 

“Do you think you could send maintenance another message?” You ask your hand clutching your waist to comfort the stitch in your side, no doubt a result of the corset concealed beneath your clothes. 

“Consider it done.” Jimin replies, pulling out his phone. “Are you okay Miss?” He asks, your heavy breathing failing to go unnoticed judging from the concern in his voice.

“Fine.” You quickly change the subject, not wanting to linger on your current state. “What’s on my schedule for today?”

“You have a consultation with Mr. Kim of HOC Industries in an hour-” 

“Really?” You cut in, confused about the sudden change. “But I just saw him a few weeks ago. Why is he coming in?”

“He didn’t say, I just got a message last night from him stating he required an appointment immediately.”

“That’s not a good sign...” You groan, wondering what information had dropped to spur a need for such an urgent response. 

“Afterwards you have an early lunch with journalist Min. Followed by a one o’clock appointment with Jeon Jungkook to go over the new web layout. And the rest of office hours are slated as admin.” 

You cringe over the prospect of bookkeeping. Your accountant’s involvement in a recent accident, placed him on an extended leave of absence. Since you are the only other member of your small staff qualified to balance the books, this leaves you burdened with his duties. “Remind me later to make a posting for a temp position.”

“Noted,” Jimin remarks as he continues to scroll through his phone. “Oh and don’t forget, you also have your monthly massage appointment with Kim Namjoon tonight.”

You smile at the thought, you would never forget a booking with him, especially since he’s the reason for your current state of breathlessness. You’ve been counting down the days until you get to see him, with only a few hours left you can barely contain yourself. To everyone who asks he’s a masseur, but the services he provides are far more aggressively intimate than a standard massage. You force a small cough to cover the involuntary moan starting to escape. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, just tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.” It’s not a complete lie, with the stress from work there have been a lot of restless nights recently, your appointment tonight should help to relieve a bit of that tension. There’s a loud groan as the elevator comes to a stop at your floor. You look up to the top of the lift and over to Jimin with worry, both of you stepping off with haste once the doors open.

Your entire office space consists of only a few rooms. You and Hoseok had started this company only a few years ago, focusing on corporate consultations regarding public image and approval. All things considered you’re doing rather well. With your negotiation tactics, Hoseok's philanthropy efforts, and Yoongi on retainer as your media source, you’ve been able to take on several giant corporations.    

As you walk down the hall you find the temperature starting to rise, and upon stepping into your’s and Jimin’s shared office, you’re hit with a wave of heat. You whisper your curses as you check the thermostat which has been jacked to its highest setting and refuses to shift back down. 

Giving up on the system you turn to the windows, but even those are a struggle after being neglected for so long. You call out to Jimin for assistance, waiting no more than a second before he is by your side. But even with his help you only manage to open them to the grand extent of a sliver before you’re forced to give in. At least with your office door open there’s now a small draft pervading the space.

“I guess I’ll send maintenance another message,” Jimin chuckles.

“You don’t think he’s trying to push us out do you?” You inquire about the building owner, and one of your own clients. You don’t usually make such bold claims, but with Jimin’s ties to the dubious man, it’s hard not to ask.

“I wouldn’t put it past him. Though I think this is more likely due to his lack of regard for the workmanship going into his properties.”

You nod overlooking the now stuffy room which holds both your desks. It serves its purpose with a sufficient amount of daylight from the large windows, and a partial wall giving you each a bit of privacy. You’d rather not have to leave this building and the status that comes with it, but there seems to be no end with these faulty appliances. “So much for being the height of sophistication.”

While you settle into your workspace you’re already dying from the heat, a sweater and camisole overtop your corset was not the best choice for today, but you didn’t want to risk anyone noticing the garment beneath. As you shuffling through your newsite tabs Jimin readies the coffee maker, returning to you with the first dose of your daily caffeine needs. 

“You’re a saint.”

Jimin smiles brightly at your compliment, living for the praise as always. “Do you want some ice on the side?” He laughs as you tug on your sweater to stop it from sticking to your skin.

“Only if I can rub it all over.” You sigh jokingly as you take a sip of the hot beverage.

“I’d be happy to assist.” His smirk and piercing gaze look to be downright serious, his flirtation hitting a new high today.    

“Sorry Jimin, I already have a massage appointment later. I think Namjoon would be very upset if you took his job from him.”

“That’s too bad.” He mutters, his lip still curled into a smile before stepping away from your desk. “Let me know if you change your mind. I’d be more than willing to compensate him for his loss.” Jimin has never been shy about his attraction to you, a desire which you most certainly reciprocate, but your own company policies keep the both of you tied to flirtatious word play. With Jimin winning more often than not when it comes to provocative sentiments.

He hangs around on your side of the room, straightening the chairs and stray flies, while you continue your search for whatever prompted the need for your haste meeting. At last you find it, on the featured articles of a prominent celeb news site, with the headline reading, ‘The Dark Desires of the Kim Family Heir.’

Much to your chagrin the issue isn’t regarding your client, but his son. As much as you try to stay out of personal family matters, sometimes they are unavoidable, and this looks to be one of those cases.

‘Kim Taehyung has long been considered one of the most eligible bachelors. He has it all, money, power, and a spot on every top ten most attractive list, but those who have been with him more intimately say he craves something more...’ 

Your mouth falls open in horror as one of Taehyung's former partners exposes their most intimate moments with him. ‘The Gucci suits and custom cologne are just an expensive mask for the darkness beneath. He would ask to be tied, bound to the bed and struck. He wanted pain and pleasure...’ The further you read the more your chest tightens. You’d rather not jump to conclusions, but you wouldn’t be surprised if it’s true. A fact which must make it all the more painful for Taehyung. You can only imagine what he must be going through, to have such private details exposed and exploited. He’s currently living your worst nightmare, a societal judgement over one's deepest desires. For professional reasons it would probably be best to stay out of this private matter, but you can’t in good consciousness let him suffer alone.

“That bad?” Jimin asks.

“Yeah...” You cover your mouth to hide your shuddering breath, blinking away the tears that threaten to spill on Taehyung's behalf.

Jimin shuffles in behind your desk with you. By lowering himself to read off your screen, his face falls next to yours. His hands come to rest on your shoulders as he leans in to eye the article in question. You should shoo him away, but you can’t help but be curious of his response to those who engage in such practices. As his eyes scan the page his grip on you tightens, his breathing erratic just like yours, with a whispered “‘Fuck,” escaping his lips. 

“Are we interrupting something?” A voice calls out from your open door. 

Your head snaps over in shock to find your next appointment waiting for you, with his son in tow. You jump up pushing Jimin back so you can greet your guests properly. “Mr. Kim! No not at all,  please come in. This must be-”

“Taehyung...” The younger man mutters as he walks in, slumping down in one of the chairs in front of your desk. His sunglasses are still in place, the smell of spirits wafts over you along with the spicy scent of what must be his referenced cologne. He’s a sight to behold, a person of his caliber could make a fortune off his looks alone; he wouldn’t even need a drop of his father's fortune. But of course, that would have been before this public outing of his bedroom tendencies. Now he’s more likely to be seen as a pariah rather than an asset.

Directing the elder to the seat next to him, you take your own once again as Jimin retreats to his desk. You don’t even have the chance to exchange pleasantries before Mr. Kim launches into the purpose of their visit. “I assume you saw the article about my son?”

“I did, but-”

“And? What can we do about it? How can we spin it? Our stocks have already taken a hit.��

“Your son just had a serious breach in personal privacy...” You pause hoping that he’ll have some semblance of a realization that he is not the victim here, instead he simply waits for you to continue. Attempt to hold in your dismay, you give him the only answer you can, “Sue for defamation if you’d like, but whether they are printing fact or fiction the damage is done. The press is still focusing on your family due to your early misdealings in your company. I would argue that if you turn the view of operations around then there is a very good chance that the media will start to back off personal affairs.”

“You can’t expect me to twiddle my thumbs and wait. My shareholders are currently questioning his ability to lead, they might seek to replace him.”

“Good.” Taehyung mutters. “If those prudes have a problem with me, I’d rather not have to work with them.”

You bite your lip to conceal a snort of laughter.  Mr. Kim fails to notice but his son seems to have caught your slip, taking off his glasses, he pierces you with a strong gaze.

Kim senior starts up again looking for sympathy and a way out, “Do you know how many of his flings I’ve had to pay off in the past-”

“Maybe you should just stick to your own business.” Taehyung eyes his father darkly.

“They made it my business when they started squealing to the press about what kind of man you are.”

You try to rein the situation in, this battle between father and son having no place in your office. “Mr. Kim! I would actually like to speak to your son for a moment. We can see if there’s a possible remedy for this... exposure.” You stand up, calling over the wall for your secretary "Jimin? Would you mind taking Mr. Kim to see Hoseok?” You turn back to your elder client, practically pushing him out the door into your secretaries’s care. “Jung Hoseok has been continuing his work on your company's philanthropic efforts. I’m sure he would love to show you what he has done with your portfolio.”

“Do you need me to come right back Miss?” Jimin asks with a pleading stare, his eyes flicker over to the young man still slumped in his seat.

“No I think we’ll be okay for a bit.” You mutter to him quietly as Mr. Kim proceeds down the hall. “Just keep him away for a few minutes.”

Once they're both gone you sit back down across from Taehyung with a sigh.

“So are your going to talk some sense into me?” He drawls with disdain.

“Fuck no,” you scoff, rummaging through your drawer. “Can I get you anything coffee, water... advil?”  You finally pull out the bottle of pain relievers and offer one to him as you take one yourself, your head ready to explode in frustration over his father. 

He tilts his head looking somewhat surprised, “So why did you send him away then?”

“I thought you could use a break. I’ve worked with many people like your father, they all want things done their way, and you’ll never be able to tell them otherwise. He’ll never admit to his faults, and the fact that he’s the real reason the media is all over you. So as long as you don’t tattle on me, we both can make it through this meeting with him thinking that he’s won.”

“Deal,” Taehyung agrees while he chuckles at your ploy. 

“Are you sure you don’t want anything?” You offer once again.

“Actually I’ll take some advil.”

“I thought you might.” You poor him glass from the cooler and offer up the pill. When his sleeve pulls back to reach for the cup you can’t help but notice the glaring red evidence of a rope abrasion on his wrist. While he throws back the pain killer, you take another sip of your coffee rolling the bitterness over your tongue before breaching the difficult subject. “It can’t be easy to have the press prying into every aspect of your private life.”

“It’s not so much that they pry, but...” Taehyung hesitates, his brow furrows as his fingers run through his hair tugging on the strands between his fingers.  “People know that they can go to them with a story and make money off any relations I have with them. And the press will gladly pay top dollar for what they have to offer.”

“The story is not a complete fabrication then?” You already know it’s not judging from his father's response and the marks on his arm, you just need to hear him say it. 

“No, it’s mostly true.” He admits, watching your reaction.

“Then it would seem that your desires might be thought unconventional by many of your past partners?”

Taehyung nods, taking another sip of his water. 

“From one unconventional individual to another,” you pause waiting for your own admission to sink in. To your delight Taehyung immediately perks up listening attentively as you continue. “There are more discreet ways to fill those needs.”

“Are you offering?” He asks, raising a brown along with the corner of his lips.

“No, I doubt that I would be very good at meeting your cravings, since we both hunger the same type of... attention.” You smile back at him, rejoicing in your mutual secret. “But I do have a friend who will take very good care of you. I’m going to give you a name and phone number, it’s up to you if you want to contact them, but I can assure you any conversations or actions between you and them will be kept strictly confidential. It’s not cheap,” you explain, but doubt that’ll be a problem for him. “But I assure you it’s safe and private.”

Taehyung can barely get the information from you fast enough once you jot it down. His hands, reaching for the sheet, accidentally knock over your coffee instead, sending the drink in your direction and staining your sweater. “I’m so sorry, here let me help you.” Taehyung jumps up and runs and grabs napkins from the coffee station. 

“It’s fine really.” You assure him, making an attempt to stop him as he starts to blot the saturated material. 

Unfortunately it’s at this moment that Jimin walks in to see your precarious state. He stands there for a moment in silence before explaining the reason for his return. “Mr. Kim said he needs to leave soon, Miss. He wanted to see if you two were... finished.” There’s glare set in his eyes for Taehyung's forwardness.

“Yeah, be right there, just one second.” You turn back to Taehyung, exchanging the damp napkin in his hand for the paper you had just written on. “Think about it, I hope you’ll give him a call. I don’t give out his information unless I think it will be of help to someone.”

“Kim Namjoon,” Taehyung mutters quietly while reading the slip. “If I were to go see him, would I find you there too?” He looks back up at you, biting his lip after posing his query.

“Likely not, he keeps his sessions very private, but you can always discuss your...” You glance over to Jimin who is still waiting, and well within earshot. “Preferences with him.”

“Then I’ll consider it, thank you.”

After seeing Mr. Kim and his son off, you're left to deal with the stain on your sweater, with only fifteen minutes before you have to leave for your lunch appointment. “Jimin could you call Yoongi and let him know I’m running a little late? I need to stop by my apartment on the way.”

“No need, I’ve got an extra shirt here.” He pulls out one of his own from his desk. “ I know it’s a men’s fit, but I think we can make it work.” 

“Why do you keep that here?” You laugh. He only looks at you and the stain with a raised brow, no words needed to prove his point. “Never mind, stupid question, but I can’t take your shirt Jimin.”

“I insist, go put it on.” He forces it into your hands as you double check your watch, your time constraints leaving you with little choice. 

Stepping behind the dividing wall, you strip down to your camisole, breathing a sigh of relief that the beverage hadn’t seeped into the fabric of the corset. Quickly throwing his button up over top and tucking it in, you check to ensure your intimate garment is still hidden relatively beneath the shirt before coming back out for his opinion “Does it look okay?”

Jimin nods, but when he reaches out to touch the shirt you recoil, fearing that he will discover what you wear beneath. He chuckles and persists, “I’m just fixing your collar.” He moves in closer standing just a couple inches away. Pinching the two seams of the fabric together, he considers the change. “I think it would look better like this.” You nod, keeping silent as he follows through. Pulling the fabric tight around your throat, your breathing is forced to pause for a moment as he fastens the top button. “Better?” He asks, while his hands linger around your neck.

“Much.” You whisper, as his fingers drift up to hold your chin, with the tip of his thumb dragging along the edge of your bottom lip. You stand there confused as to why your flirtatious game has taken such a physical turn. Although his actions are prohibited and should be censured, you can’t fully condemn them, deciding instead to remove yourself, rather than reprimand him. “I-I should go. I don’t want to be late meeting Yoongi.”  

...

It was a productive lunch to say the least, but that was by no means thanks to you. Your focus was distinctly elsewhere. While you toyed with your bottom lip, thinking of how Jimin had touched it just moments before, Yoongi gave you everything you needed to secure several new clients. Even now as you return, disembarking the elevator on to your floor, you still can’t concentrate on the day ahead.

On the walk back to your office Hoseok catches you, quickly pulling you into his own and closing the door behind. “You need to do something about Jimin.” 

“Wh-what do you mean?” You ask, nervous that he had seen you two together before you left for your meeting.

“Your client earlier, Mr. Kim, he said that he caught you two acting rather close, making suggestions that you two are involved in a sexual relationship. Usually I would disregard a comment like his but-” 

“It’s not true, you know I wouldn’t!” As much as you might want to act on Jimin’s advances you’ve never crossed that line. You know it must have been bad for Hoseok to bring it up, for him to take this serious tone is evidence of his deep concern. 

“I know that, but this isn’t the first time someone has thought you two might be a little too intimate. Some of the staff have also considered the notion. And I can see why, the way he looks at you, talks to you...” Hoseok trails off as his eyes linger on your apparel in confusion. “You weren’t wearing that earlier were you?” 

“No, I had some coffee spill on me earlier. Jimin was nice enough to loan me his.”

Hoseok tilts his head as he raises his brow as if this validates his concerns.

“He was just being helpful!” You offer, but Hoseok doesn’t look to be swayed, and he’s right, this is a workplace not a morning after situation. “Fine, I see your point. So what do you suggest?”

“Redistribute him, send him my way if you have to, god knows that I could use the extra hand. You could even play it off as a promotion, just get him out of your office.” Your heart drops at the thought, not wanting to give him up. Hoseok seeing this takes a softer tone. “Listen I can see that you like him too. I’m sure it feels good to have his attention, but you need to get this out of your system. You have to put a stop to it. We can’t afford a scandal and you know it.” 

With the assurance that you’ll think on the issue, and giving Hoseok your solution by tomorrow, you return to your office. But the problem is far from easy, though you did not lie about your physical relationship to Hoseok, you have been keeping something from him. From all of them. Jimin will never accept a promotion if it takes him away from you. He’s never worked here for the money, he doesn’t need to when his father owns half of the city, this building included. 

...

-3 years ago-

“Mr. Lee, thank you so much for agreeing to meet with me.” You pull out the chair to sit across from him. The massive mahogany desk of his placing a rather large distance between the two of you. 

“Yes well, my building manager said you were very persistent.” There’s a small roll in his eyes as he looks from you down to the computer in front of him. 

“I wanted to discuss one of your properties, an office space in the Madeline Suites.”

He takes a swift glance at your modest appearance with narrowing eyes. “Forgive me, but I believe that location might be out of your price range.” 

“Monetarily yes,” You agree. “But we offer services which might be helpful to you.”

“I do not deal in favours. I can see that this meeting was a waste of time, you may go.” He waves the back of his hand to shoo you out, while his secretary grabs the door from the outside.

“I am not asking for a favour, but offering you my services. I’m the co-founder of a corporate image consulting firm. And come this time tomorrow, I believe you’ll be looking for someone within our realm of dealings.”

“And what makes you say that?” Lee asks, his words laced with cynicism. 

You lay out the first page of the article which Yoongi had sent you, stretching it across the wooden surface to place it in Mr. Lee’s view. ‘Real Estate Developer Lee Gungsang Faced Prior Allegations of Unlawful Evictions and Price Hiking.’ “This is slated for tomorrow morning’s front page.” 

Mr. Lee is quick to send his secretary off, the door shutting once again. “How do you know about this? These cases were settled before they made it anywhere near the courts.”

“I have my sources.” 

“Then stop this! I will pay whomever needs to be paid to prevent this from leaching out. You want the office space, it's yours.” He’s voice is desperate, you have him on the hook, the question now is, how long will he let you drag him for?

“That’s very generous of you, but nothing will stop this from going out tomorrow. My offer is simply to help you get ahead of it and lessen the damage.” You explain, revelling in the fact that money can’t hide everything.

“And how do you propose to do that?”

You pull out a contract for your serves. “I will need you to sign off on my services first. A small fee plus a far more reasonable price for a three year lease of the offices on the 14th floor of the Madeline Suites”

“Without knowing your plan, I think not.”

You give him a bright smile before mimicking his earlier statement. “I do not deal in favours Mr. Lee.”

He grumbles while taking the pen, eyeing you with a dark gaze as he signs on the dotted line.

With the ink still drying you hand over another small document. “Here are a few of my suggestions. Twenty percent of the commercial residences that you have just vacated will be handed over to non-profits for a drastically reduced monthly lease. I’ll even let you pick which you want to support.” 

He looks up at you mortified. “This is excessive.”

“No this is necessary. I’ve seen corporations do far more than this when they are not dealing with a scandal. Your accountants will agree with me that this is the best move, it can be seen as a donation and therefore tax deductible. For the evicted  private residences, I was thinking of partnering with a refugee resettlement program but we can discuss that more in depth later.” 

You carefully tuck away your contract in Lee’s file before dragging another concern to the forefront. “I do have one more request, before I leave today.”

“What more could you possibly want?” He scoffs.

You lean in to deliver your short but important demand. “A heads up.”

“I don’t know what you mean...”

“I mean if there are any other past dealings or actions which might impact your company I need to be aware of them.” There’s always more hidden in the dark, you have one of those secrets on hand now. You need to see if he’s willing to be upfront with you on every dealing of his past, otherwise you might be forced to dig him out from another grave a couple weeks from now. 

“There’s nothing else.” 

“Nothing?” You ask again as you pull out your phone ready to bring forward more evidence. 

“No.”

“So the knowledge of you having and hiding an illegitimate son... you don’t think that’s important? The existence of the only child of the Lee empire, isn’t newsworthy?”

“How did you-” The terror in his face looks to be even greater than the prior accusation. 

“You attempted to evict all of the residents who stayed in your residential apartment for over 10 years if they refused to agree with a massive lease hike. Park Jimin was the only one who wasn’t touched. He has no record of a job, living off what must be money given to him by his parents, so I looked into them. His father wasn’t listed but his late mother, Park Haesoon, used to work for your company, and 22 years ago she signed a NDA issued by your lawyer.” 

You open to Jimin’s public instagram page turning it around for his father to see. “He may take mostly after his mother, but I can still see a few clues to your family resemblance.”

“When does this one drop?” Lee asks in dismay.

“It’s not going to, at least, not from me or my source. We try not to deal in personal life consulting, but I am going to give you some advice in this matter. Get ahead of it.”

“My wife won’t hear of it.” Mr. Lee mutters through clenched teeth, it’s easy to see that this conversation has him very much on edge.

You nod seeing the crux of his dilemma. “I looked into the approximate date of his conception, you were newly married at the time, were you not?”

“Yes. She knows, but her family does not, they have a large political presence and we cannot afford to lose all support from them. Trust me, the boy is not worth the risk.”

“He’s your child!” You berate the CEO, your anger getting the better of you as you think of the emotional toll on Jimin. Not only did he lose his mother but his father won't even publicly acknowledge him. 

“I won’t be swayed on this matter. If you have nothing else to say you may leave.” Mr. Lee rises from his desk and once again gestures towards the door. “I’ll have keys to your new office space delivered to you tomorrow along with the lease. But I should warn you, if there is even a whisper of his name in public in conjunction with mine, I can assure you, your so-called firm won’t last another week.”

...

Less than a month later you and Hoseok have moved your entire enterprise to the new office space. You’re holding an open house for several different staff positions, when the most unlikely of applicants walks in your door, Park Jimin. 

He hands you a piece of paper which you can only guess is his resume, because your eyes fail to leave his face, your mouth unable to form words in your state of shock. Closing the door behind him, he gives you a nervous smile. “Judging from your expression, I take it you know who I am?”

You manage a single nod, still confused as to why he’s here, now, with you. It’s lucky you’re conducting the interviews alone, otherwise it would be difficult to explain your shock to Hoseok without exposing Jimin’s lineage. 

“I’ve been wanting to meet with you,” Jimin confesses, adding sheepishly, “My father told me of your meeting. He said you took a bit of an interest in me, even found my social media accounts.” 

“Oh, oh no.” You finally manage to sputter out, far more anxious with the younger man than his father. You never intended to meet Jimin, let alone have him find out you dug into some very personal aspects of his past and present. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t intend to invade your privacy. I was only trying to figure out what was going on. And when I learned the truth, I wanted him to own up to his mistake of hiding you.”

Jimin chuckles lightly, sitting down in front of you, “I didn’t come here looking for an apology Miss, I know why you did it. I merely wanted to meet one of the few people to ever successfully scare the shit out of my father.” 

The wide beaming smile accompanying his statement spurs a laugh from you, while also allowing you to relax in his presence. “Sometimes you have to intimidate these people to get them to do the right thing. But I’m sorry I wasn’t able to convince him to go public regarding everything.”

“That’s not your fault. In the end it was just nice to hear that there's someone who thinks I deserve better.” Jimin adds, with a look of sorrow leaching into his smile.

“Of course you do, but I must ask, why come here now?” You take a moment to confirm that it is in fact his resume that he’s handed you. ”I can’t imagine that you need a job.” He’s appearance alone is enough to tell you he’s buried in wealth, though his father has not given him the family name, it looks as if Jimin has gained some of the assets.  

“Actually that’s exactly what I was looking for.”

“Your father didn’t pressure you to come here to keep an eye on me did he?” You ask with scepticism. Keeping watch over possible threats wouldn’t be a completely off brand for those of his status. And with you knowing some of his deepest secrets you could likely be considered one of the biggest risks.

“No.” Jimin chuckles, briefly raising his hands in surrender. “I promise I’m here of my own volition. Money isn’t my biggest concern, I’ve been hoping to build connections. I want to use my time wisely and work with someone who is worthy of my focus, and that just so happens to be you.” He finishes with a suggestive smirk, making you wonder if you’ve won his affection too. 

“And what does your focus get me?” You ask, trying to weigh the benefits versus the risk. You doubt that Mr. Lee will respond kindly to you hiring his son, but if he continues to deny his son’s  existence then what right does he have to disagree? 

“Anything you require. I was interested in the posting for your secretary, but any position beneath you would suit me nicely.” 

...

There’s no way you’ll be able to convince Jimin to willingly change roles and work for Hoseok instead. But you can’t deny that your co-founder’s points are valid. 

Jimin greets you warmly as you enter your office. “Did you have a nice lunch?” 

“Yeah, it was good.” You respond, forcing out a smile.

“Really? Because you look upset.” 

You curse Jimin’s ability to read you at a time like this. “I promise, lunch was fine. Yoongi gave me some substantial leads.” You sigh sliding back in your seat. With your values shaken and morals questioned by Hoseok, you are deeply in need of someone to brace yourself on. Wanting to step out of the realm of responsibility and control even if it’s just for a moment, you make a request to Jimin. “Would you go fetch Jungkook for our meeting?”

“I can just call him in.” He makes the case looking reluctant to leave your side.

“Please Jimin just go get him. I need a few minutes for a personal call.”

Jimin looks at you crestfallen before finally leaving. It’s not often you keep things from him, he can scope you out too well for that. But Kim Namjoon’s actual role in your life is the one secret you feel is the most imperative to hide from him.

You pull out your cell, not wanting to use his number on your work phone. After two rings he picks up. “Couldn’t wait a few more hours to hear my voice baby girl?”

You're too embarrassed to admit he’s right, settling on another excuse for your call. “N-no I just wanted to let you know that I’ve sent someone your way... sir.”

“Don’t lie to me I can hear the need in your voice.” He chuckles lightly as he taunts you. “Your reference already reached out to me. I’m excited to play with him, is he just as handsome as he sounds?”

“More so.”

Namjoon hums on the line in gratification. “My babygirl, giving me another pet to play with.” 

You blush from the praise. Taehyung makes the sixth person you’ve suggested following the charity ball you met Namjoon at a couple years ago. Where he, much like you, was secretly scoping out potential clients. Every one of those patrons you’ve given him since then has been his pet, but you, you’re his babygirl. 

“I was wondering...” Namjoon’s carries on, in a tone far more hesitant than usual. “Tonight would you be willing to try something a little unconventional? Would you like to share him?”

“W-would that be okay?” He’s never suggested adding another to your sessions before, but you can’t deny you’re intrigued by the prospect.

“He mentioned an interest in you, and after discussing his needs I feel that I require someone other than myself to pin his desires on. You’ll be the carrot while I’ll be the stick. Do you think you could do that for me?”  Namjoon proposes in a low purr dragging every heated thought and possibility to the forefront of your mind.  

“Yes sir.” Your response is instant, with little thought required. Helping Namjoon with Taehyung? You’d be a fool to turn down the opportunity. There’s a small knock on your office door with the return of Jimin and Jungkook trailing behind him. You start to panic while still on the phone with Namjoon. “I’ll see you later then?”

Namjoon can of course detect the change in your tone, but instead of letting you off the hook he pulls you further. “Did someone walk in on you babygirl? I take it they don’t know about this side of you?”

“No they don’t.”

“No sir.” He calls out your lack of decorum, an error which you know you’ll pay for later. “Such a shame they’re missing out. What do you think they would say if they knew of my plans for you tonight? How I intend to hang you like forbidden fruit above another man. Do you think they would approve?” 

Your eyes widen as Namjoon continues and Jungkook takes the seat in front of you with Jimin standing behind him. You clear your throat and hold up your finger to them, gesturing for another minute. Turning away to hide your face as you continue to try and end the call. But hanging up on one’s dom is never advisable, condemning you to listen for as long as he wishes to torment. 

“I bet you would like them watch, wouldn’t you?” Namjoon asks, egging on your sinful thoughts, transferring them from Taehyung over to your co-workers.

You shift your thighs trying to dispel the building need as you consider the notation of them watching. Imagining Jungkook’s wide eyes taking in the sight, likely with a hand on his cock, he’s an innocent man with strong desires. You’ve known others like him before, they act with naivete but when confronted with an opportunity for more, they don’t hesitate to gorge on what is presented to them.

And Jimin, would he accept your darker needs? You wish he would, desperately wanting him to play along, to help mould you into submission. Your head now filled with thoughts of kneeling before him taking him in your mouth while he christens you a good girl. If only you could be sure that he wouldn’t react like most people, like those who condemned Taehyung. Your eyes flutter back over to your secretary who is looking at you with deep suspicion. You desperately need to end the call or risk giving yourself away. “I should probably-”

“Am I embarrassing you baby girl?” Namjoon teases with an amused laugh. “Does that mean I’m right?”

“Yes...”

“Yes sir.” Namjoon reminds you once again. “I’ll release you for now, but I better see you here at seven o’clock sharp. Is that understood?”

You breathe a sigh of relief at the release.  “Yes sir.” After finally hanging up, you offer up an apology. “Sorry about that.”

“Who was it?” Jimin inquires with a soft tone, but  a quick lick to his lips shows his intentions to be far from innocent. His clenched fists and hovering nature further pointing towards jealousy.

“No one important.” You smile through the lie, careful in your attempt to comfort him. It’s pointless to keep acting in this way, but you still can’t bear the thought of disheartening his feelings or pushing him away. 

...

After your meeting with Jungkook, you're left with a stack of paperwork and your ever persistent lack of concentration as you try to figure out what can be done with Jimin. Should you just tell him the issue, would it help or would it make the situation worse? If he knows how he is perceived then will the affection stop, and if it does, will you struggle with that loss?

“Can I walk you to your car Miss?” Jimin asks with his jacket in hand. You check the time, reading just after five. So lost in thought you had accomplished almost nothing in the last few hours of the day.

“I think I might just stay here until I have to leave for my appointment, I still have a bit more work to do.” You explain rubbing your hands over your face as you pull yourself from your daze.

“Do you want me to stay too then?” 

“No, I couldn’t ask that of you. But before you go I’d like to discuss something” You gesture to the seat across from you which he takes with hesitation. You’re usually not so formal and he can clearly spot the difference. You open your mouth and pause trying to find the right words as his eyes shine in your direction. The evening sun pouring into the room bathing his skin in with golden light makes it so much harder to stick to the issue at hand. You eventually resort to staring at the irrelevant papers on your desk as you open with your concern. 

“I’m worried that our actions towards each other imply that our relationship is not strictly professional.” You blurt it out quickly, hating every word that crosses your lips.

“Have I been making you uncomfortable Miss?” Jimin’s expression falls along with his question, the heartbreak ringing out clear in his voice. 

“No, no. It’s just, I’m concerned about how others see our interactions.”

“Oh, so someone said something to you then?” 

“Hoseok mentioned that a few people think we appear to be a bit more than boss and secretary.” You know it cowardly to bring Hoseok into this, but the information is second hand. You can’t be sure what others have said exactly.

“Well you do know more about me than most.” Jimin laughs lightly. 

“That’s not what they are implying. They think we are engaged in a sexual relationship.”

“And...” He draws the word out as if the implication is nothing, implying there should be a better reason for your concerns. 

“We aren’t Jimin!”

“Well, there's only one way to fix that.” He stands up leaning towards you over your desk. “You can’t say you haven’t thought about it. We could keep it a secret if you’d like, no one has to know.”

You doubt Jimin could keep a relationship between the two of you hidden, with the way he dotes on you already, you’re one passionate night away from finding three dozen roses on your desk. “Someone would find out, and the fall out-”

“Fuck the fall out,” Jimin states with resolve, reaching out his fingers tucking back a strand of your hair before curling beneath your chin. “I’m tired of this charade. Hoseok only said something because he’s jealous. He’s jealous that you want me as much as I want you.”

“Jimin,” You whisper. “Even if that was the case, that still doesn’t make it right.” You pull back from his touch. “You should go. Think about what I said, because if we can’t maintain at least some level of restraint and professionalism... then you might be better off working for someone else in the office.”

“So you’d rather keep your social image than be happy with me?” Jimin accuses, the usual warmth having completely vanished from his face.

“It’s not like that. My standing is my life, it’s my career, any blemish would destroy everything I have.” You attempt to express the fear inside you, the weight that bears on you every day. You already have so many secrets and liabilities, but one as close and extensive as a relationship with him might finally crush you and everything you’ve built. “I like you, I really do, but I can’t take the risk. You have to understand, I’m not like you. I don’t have a secret trust fund to fall back on.”  

Jimin looks as though you’ve stabbed him, pulling away he heads to the exit. “I’m sorry I’m not worth the risk. You know, I thought you were better than that, but it would seem you’re just like everyone else.” 

The door slamming between you echoes through the office as you sag in your chair. Never in all your years have you ever sunk so low. By taking him on you wanted to ensure Jimin’s happiness, to show him his value despite the lack of acknowledgement  from his father, but now it seems you’ve fallen into the same role as those who have hurt him before.

  ...

You type your code into Namjoon’s door, stepping into his hall quickly and shutting the door behind you. It’s just before seven and usually you find him in his living room already waiting, but today it’s empty. Not wanting to disturb him, you take a seat on the couch and wait patiently for him to join you. 

You feel ready to fold in on yourself as you continue to dwell on your argument with Jimin. If you laid out boundaries earlier you likely wouldn’t be where you are now. Hating yourself over his confession, and your inability to accept it. 

There’s movement from the bedroom door as Namjoon’s partner Seokjin comes out to greet you. You look up in bewilderment as he takes your hand, pulling you off the couch. “Namjoon has already started with the other client, so he sent me to fetch you.” 

You nod understanding Namjoon’s divergence from the norm, it wouldn’t be safe practice for him to leave Taehyung alone in a precarious position. Now looking to the door with curiosity, you’re excited by what lustful visions will greet you on the other side. But when Seokjin presents something to you it’s clear that you won’t get to see those sights.

“You’ve been asked to wear this.” He holds out a wide silken strip, one that Namjoon has used as a blindfold in the past. You allow Seokjin to cover your eyes, with a touch far more gentle than you know Namjoon’s to be. You don’t want kindness, craving instead to be broken in by the man in the other room, especially after the damage you’ve done today. The loss of your vision will have to be punishment enough for the time being. 

“Does he want me to undress too?” You ask, touching the silk over your eyes, you're completely blind and already longing for the next step. 

“No he wishes to save that pleasure for himself.”

You smirk thinking he might, you’ve been wearing his gift all day it’s only right that he gets to see it first.  

There’s a knock and a click of the door before Seokjin takes you in hand again, leading you in. The air is warmer and heavier than that of the living room, making it impossible to draw a fresh breath. 

Seokjin pushes down on your shoulder, a wordless order to kneel. The plush carpet meeting your knees as you lower yourself, if only you could reach out to get a better sense of what’s in front of you, but form dictates that you keep your hands on your lap. 

The bedroom door closes, signalling Seokjin's departure. Sending one last wave of clean air before you're smothered once again. Locked away for the night with your master and his new pet. There’s a small creek from the mattress and the familiar rattle of restraints against the bedpost. You can just barely make out the tone of Namjoon’s low whisper as he speaks to the current tenant of the bed. 

Footsteps land to your left, muffled by the wall to wall but still sending vibrations through the floor.  As Namjoon approaches, your heart pounds wondering what his first move against you will be. He takes his sweet time letting the anticipation build as your chest continues to heave in its attempts to take in the thick air. You keep your posture, maintaining your stance with the knowledge that he will inspect you. Head lowered, hands on thighs, perched on your toes as your knees dig into the ground. Your legs soon start to tremble as your feet strain to bear the weight.

Namjoon settles right in front of you, the slow draw of his breath reaches your ears, while the heat of his exhale hits your face. A hand trails up the outside of your thigh stilling the tremor in your legs with a forceful grip. You freeze wondering if your jitters will cost you, you can’t let him find fault not if you want him to reward you with his presence. 

But as he takes your chin tightly between his index and his thumb, you know you're in the clear. He tilts your head up as you breathe a sigh of relief. “Such a good girl, setting the perfect example.” His fingers slide down petting the column of your throat with a firm touch. “I was so happy to receive your picture this morning, did you wear the gift all day as ordered?”

“Yes sir.” You pant back, eager for him to see for himself. 

“It wasn’t too hard for you then, to go so long in such a confined state?”

“No sir.”

“Good girl,” He purrs in your ear as he starts unfastening your shirt. He hesitates on the buttons for a moment. “Babygirl, would you care to tell me why you're wearing a men’s shirt?”

You swallow not wanting to admit that it’s the fault of the man currently lying in his bed. You plan to take the fall, wanting Namjoon’s undivided attention even if it’s in the form of a punishment. “I spilled something on mine sir.”  

“So clumsy.” He has the shirt completely off now revealing the corset for him and likely Taehyung to see. Namjoon helps you to stand, unzipping your skirt he pushes it to the floor. You feel so helpless without your sight but Namjoon doesn’t seem to mind assisting. He uses the soft fabric of the shirt to dab at the sweat beading on your skin. “Who, may I ask, clothed you in theirs? Such an expensive label, he must think highly of you.”

You shift in place, made uncomfortable by your inability to answer. Knowing if you say his name thoughts of him will be summoned to your mind. You don’t deserve to think of him at such a time, not after you led him on and left him dry.

“You don’t wish to tell me?” The feel of Namjoon’s breath leaves you, the sounds of his feet  indicating he’s moved to the right of you. Heading to a space you know to be occupied by a table and closet full of his tools. There’s a scrap of metal and what sounds like the jingle of buckles. 

“No sir.”

“And why is that?” Fingers trail up your arm as Namjoon signals his return to your side. 

“Because I’m not allowed to have him sir.”

“A noble response.” Namjoon reasons while he wraps the leather strap of a familiar collar around your neck. “But I still plan to get that name from you before we’re done.” He buckles it swiftly checking the tightness with two fingers. You thought him finished but he progresses to cuff your wrists in leather too, tethering them together in front of you. 

He leans in again with a hushed request, “Still know your safe word?” You nod repeating is back to him before he leads you on towards the bed. 

Namjoon stands behind you as he presents you to his new pet. When you gave Taehyung Namjoon’s number you hadn’t been expecting this but you can’t deny enjoying the prospect. But you find the silence and lack of reaction from him unnerving. “I asked him not to make a sound,” Namjoon explains, “And he’s abiding by my rules so well it’s he?” 

Namjoon takes your hands helping you to feel the current state in which Taehyung is interned. A Leather cuff just like yours binds one of his wrists with a short chain leading to bedpost. You imagine that his other limbs are restricted to the other corners of the bed, for Namjoon has bound you in the same state before. 

“Can he see?” You ask Namjoon wondering if he has been left blind too, or if he’s eyes are watching you now.

“Can he see you? He can babygirl, in fact, he hasn’t looked away once, and why would he?” Namjoon sits you down on the large bed to join Taehyung before pulling down the matching underwear to your corset. “They’re so wet, have you been soaking these all day?” 

You nod in response. A delighted Namjoon makes an offer to Taehyung. “Would you like a taste pet? A reward for being so good.” Namjoon revels in his situation with a chuckle, the man beneath you must have nodded. “Then open up.” You know what a taste means for Namjoon, those panties of yours are most certainly shoved into Taehyung's mouth. He lets out a groan of satisfaction at the welcome intrusion.

Namjoon’s hands find your waist dragging you up further on to the bed with your knees now resting on the mattress. “You’re going to straddle him for me babygirl.” He shifts you over pulling up one of your legs to settle them on either side of the man beneath you. Your knees bent with your calves coming to rest against his bare hips. Without his billowy clothes he is far more slight than you expected, but his skin feels firm and toned. 

You slowly move to lower yourself knowing what you will come down on top of as you sit, but Namjoon seems to have other plans in mind. He takes your bound wrist, lifting them above your head and latching the cuffs to a chain in the rafters of the canopy bed. Once fixed in place he tests your limitations, a quick tug to show you even with your arms fully extended you are only able to lower yourself to half a kneel. You groan in frustration with the realization you can’t move any closer to the cock that rests below you. It’s just as he promised, hung like forbidden fruit above another man. Your dominant’s flare for the poetic never failing to surprise you.

“Problem babygirl?” Namjoon cooes in your ear. “Do you have something you want to say?”

“No sir.”

“Good, because if I recall you still need to be punished for your lack of formality on the phone earlier today.” 

Your stomach drops as you realize he’s going to discipline you right now, in full view of Taehyung. The heat rises to your face at the thought of being demeaned in front of another. Namjoon’s hand cups your bare ass, readying it for the assault. “You failed to call me sir twice, three for each lapse should do it.”

While the first strike eases you in, those that follow are not so gentle. The ring of his index biting your flesh with each impact. The third strike is so strong you pivot forward on your knees, your back arching as you bare forward still confined to the corset and chains. The weight of your body pulls painfully on your shoulders for a brief second, but Namjoon is there to catch you. Stopping you before you can slip and more, and propping you back in place before continuing. 

One hand lays firmly on your stomach to prevent the shift from happening again, while the other rubs the curve of your ass mapping where he should strike next. You can feel the warmth in your skin as the blood rises to the surface in reaction to his beating. Your nerves are caught in the struggle between pain and pleasure, even as the sixth and final blow lands. 

“Good girl.” Namjoon whispers his touch disappearing, as you ease down against your restraints. You hang completely by your wrists while your legs quake from the shock. Every nerve in your body feels as though it’s been left on fire with nothing to quench the flames. Leaving you to hang there for what seems like eternity.

“Sir?” You whisper in the dark as the heat continues to build inside you. Wondering where he has gone your body reacts, begging for the return of his attention with a dripping cunt. And with Taehyung below that can only mean the steady drip of your arousal is left to fall on him.

“Babygirl you’re making such a mess.” Namjoon confirms along with a groan from the man beneath you. “But he appears to be leaking too. Do you want some?” You nod eager for a taste. 

Namjoon obliges, grabbing your throat in one hand, he presses a damp finger to your lips for you to take. Your mouth latches over the offered digit, allowing the bitter fluid to sweep over your tongue. You're forced to let it sit there unable to swallow as the grip on your throat tightens, with the strap of the collar digging into your skin. Your mouth fills with saliva prompting you to close it despite your desperate need for air. 

“Does he taste good?” Namjoon wickedly possesses knowing you can barely even nod. It’s when you start to tremble that he finally releases your airway. 

You swallow quickly before letting your mouth hang open in a pant. With your lungs still restricted by the corset your breathing comes in short shuddering waves. “Yes sir, so good.”

“I think he likes having you drench him, shall we give him more?”

“Please.” You beg but Namjoon suddenly delivers a staggering blow to your backside, indicating your misstep. You’re left gasping from the sudden impact, swinging in the restraints as you try to recoil. “Please sir.” Your plea comes again this time with the proper decorum.  

There’s a crinkle of what sounds like a condom wrapper as Namjoon readies himself behind you. His fingers damp with lubrication find your back entrance, your tight hole giving way to a single finger. “You’ve been training for me like I asked?”

“Yes sir.” You almost come at the thought of it along with pleasure with the swirling digit. You’ve dabbled in anal before testing out a few toys, but a few weeks ago he sent you a plug with a tapered t-shaped end, giving you strict orders to wear it to work the following day. Unfortunately that was the date you had scheduled a meeting with your whole team. You were a flustered mess as you fought through your presentation, Jimin’s presence by your side making it so much more difficult to maintain control of your arousal . But the full day of public and torturous stimulation was worth it, for the reward that night was a call from Namjoon. His orders led you through every action of self pleasure.  Telling you when and where to touch before finally directing you to come. You’ve used the item several times on your own since, knowing your practice would help you in this moment. You wanted to make Namjoon proud and take him with little resistance. That desire now intensified with having Taehyung as an audience.

“Then you're ready to take me in front of him?” 

You nod gripping chains of the restraints as Namjoon eases into you. “Just relax.” His hands glide down your shoulders and back, coming to rest splayed across your hips, the tips of his finger root under the corset and dig into your stomach. Your grip eases as you lean back into him. “That’s it.” He mutters quietly as you stretch to accommodate him. “Good girl.”

After taking a few inches Namjoon pushes down on the front of your corset bowing the metal latches back to so they release, with a few clicks and swift presses the garment is off allowing you to breathe deeper than you have all day. 

“God you should see him babygirl, he’s so ruined by the sight of you. You have him panting for you.” You wish you could curse Namjoon for his choice to blindfold you and silence Taehyung, you would take any punishment that came of it, but all you can muster is a gasp while he continues to fill you more. “I wonder how he’ll react,” One of Namjoon’s hands leaves your hips coming to rest with something soft against your aching clit. “When he sees you come.” With a click the object vibrates, throwing you back completely onto Namjoons cock from the shock.

You catch Namjoon’s lustful groan between your cries. He starts to thrust inside of you one hand gripping your chest while the other holds the vibrate down in place despite your bucking hips. It doesn’t take long for you to completely fold. As the heat inside you finally reaches its peak you shatter, your head falling back on Namjoon’s shoulder as you convulse and moan. With nothing for your cunt to clench your legs grip the trussed man between them. He too lets out a sinful groan as the fluids from your fold continue to drip down your legs meet his adjoining skin. 

Namjoon turns the device off and slips out, the bed shifts as he moves in front of you. When his hand cups your face you lean into his touch. “You okay?”

You nod hoping he’ll be lenient with your lack of speech. You hear him whisper as he checks in with Taehyung too. “I’m going to take these now.” Namjoon must finally be freeing him from the waded underwear of yours.

Namjoon’s hands find you again, playing with the arousal dripping down your legs as he drags his fingers up to the source. A finger grazes your folds slipping between without penetrating. You pull desperately against your restraints hoping that it might find its way inside.  

“So are you going to tell me who you’re not allowed to have?” Namjoon asks again. “Or do I have to let you hang here all night?” 

“My secretary...” You give in with a  whisper, hoping that Taehyung won’t hear.

“And what’s his name? Say it and I’ll give you what you want.” 

The deal is too good for you to resist, you last only a couple more seconds before finally giving in. Crying out, “Jimin,” as two of Namjoon’s fingers breach you. Your sopping slit squelching as he curls his fingers. 

“There it is.” Namjoon sighs, his other hand brushing your cheek. “Is he the reason you’re so worked up tonight babygirl?”

“Y-yes sir.” You stutter as his fingers continue. He gives you another minute of bliss before removing his digits. 

“You’re going to do something for me, okay?” Namjoon asks. You nod as he continues to hold your face. “That man between your legs, you are going to fuck him and imagine Jimin as you do so, is that clear?” 

“Yes sir.”

“Is that okay with you pet?” He asks the other occupant, who still remains silent with his answers. The sound of another condom wrapper, comes as your confirmation.  Taehyung lets out an unexpected high pitched whine, likely due to the pressure that comes with the latex being rubbed down his shaft. You’re already so invested in the lie that he’s even starting to sound like Jimin. 

Namjoon is once again behind you. You can hear the rattle of the length of chain that holds you up and as he sinks back into you, his cock slipping in far easier this time, your body gladly welcomes the fullness of his intrusion.  He then lowers you inch by inch, with little strength left in your legs you are relying only on the restraints and Namjoon to hold you up. After gaining a bit more freedom you can feel the tip of a cock brushing up against you. Namjoon’s arm comes to rest on your thigh as he lines the erection up for you to take it inside. It’s a slow descent, as you stretch to accommodate both of them. Your thankful Namjoon’s mercy for easing you down gradually. 

When you bottom out Namjoon pulls the chain down from the rafters he releases the length from your cuffs, but rather than discarding it he attaches it to your collar, tugging on it as if it’s a leash. Though your hands are still bound together you have the freedom to rest them on the man laying down in front of you. You take pleasure in dragging the tips of your fingers across his skin, feeling his abs flex and his cock twitch inside you as you do so. 

Namjoon starts to thrust, keeping a close hold on your collar. While he pushes you are sent up and down on what you desperately want to be Jimin’s thick cock. After a few thrusts you are shoved forward entirely by Namjoon, colliding with the man beneath you. Your chest is pushed into his, as your bound hands are pinned between the two of you. While your head is left to rest on his shoulder, the tip of your nose is able to graze his neck. As you breathe in your mind continues to play tricks, the smell coming off him mimics that of the cologne your secretary wears, rather than the scent of Taehyung. 

Namjoon must have unbound his legs as they bend up to cradle your own from behind his hips bucking into yours, with both men taking you at a steady pace.

You move in closer to his neck, with a lick you taste the salt of his skin showing  your intentions. Biting down on the spot, you suck in deeply as your teeth dig in even harder. The carnal groans you receive from him sending shivers to your spine. There’s the sound of a soft slap, Namjoon didn’t hit you, but the man beneath you returns to his ordered silence.

Namjoon thrusts even harder, pushing you into his chest repeatedly. The thought of being fucked into Jimin’s embrace is too much to bear. Your cunt clenches as you continue envisioning your secretary, and how you're grinding your clit against his pelvis. 

You cry out over the swelling girths inside you, knowing their both likely to come soon. Clenching down one last time you dissolve in the pleasure and contentment. Namjoon finishes first remaining inside while his pet comes too. He leaves you there laying upon your imagined Jimin, in your daze  you can barely move let alone focus on reality. With a wave of exhaustion you start to slip from consciousness, but not before one last praise reaches your ears. Your delirium grants you the satisfaction of hearing the voice of Jimin whisper, “Good girl.”

...

You can’t remember the last time you slept so well. You woke early to find Namjoon had taken care of you in the night, he released your wrist cuffs, and removed your blindfold, after you had passed out from the physical exertion. The only restraint to remain was your collar which he asked you to wear today. Taehyung was sadly already gone, but you can’t deny it was nice to have Namjoon to yourself before you left. 

Now as you head off to work, showered and freshly dressed, with a turtleneck hiding your gift, you check your phone for the first time. Finding a string of apologetic messages sent from Jimin in the early hours of the morning. You reply apologizing too and asking to revisit the subject as soon as you get into work. Thankfully he agrees, the smiling emoji he ends his text on sends a wave of relief through you.

You step in the front entrance of your building ready to handle and objectively listen to Jimin’s thoughts and concerns. While you wait for the elevator your phone vibrates listing a call from an unknown number. “Hello?”

“Hey it’s Taehyung. Hope you don’t mind, I stole your personal number from my father.”

“Taehyung...” Heat starts to rise in your face at the thought of last night. The elevator arrives and you quickly step in. “No, not at all, to what do I owe the honour of this call.”

“No need to be so formal,” He giggles at you.

“Sorry, habit,” You respond. “What can I do for you?” 

“I wanted to thank you for yesterday...” Taehyung starts off. 

But his words are soon interrupted by someone shouting, “Hold the door.” You comply, pushing the button to keep them open, while trying to keep your focus on your conversation with Taehyung.

“...It’s not often that I meet someone who I can be so open with. I called the man you recommended and I’ve scheduled my first session with him tomorrow.”  

You freeze, unable to fully comprehend what he’s saying, surely he misspoke. It can’t be his first session. “W-what do you mean your first session is tomorrow? You were there-” The collar hidden beneath your turtleneck feels as though it’s tightening around your throat. “Last night, I saw you-” The line goes dead as the elevator closes and starts to ascend. It was Taehyung in the bed with you and Namjoon last night. You saw... nothing you saw nothing because of the blindfolded that you were asked to wear.

“Everything okay?” You jump at the sound of the other voice, forgetting that some else had gotten into the elevator. Looking up you find Jimin there beaming at you, his head tilted from his query.

“Namjoon,” You flutter with your phone, too panicked to even greet your secretary properly. “I need to call Namjoon.” But the line won’t connect, not with you in the elevator. “Fuck...” You try again your patience not willing to wait the minute it’ll take to disembark on your floor.  

You are almost there when the elevator shudders and stops. The sudden halt sends you off balance, but Jimin’s there to grab hold of you before you can fall. You thank him before stepping back and putting a bit of distance between the two of you again.

Jimin turns his attention to the panel, pushing the call button, he waits for someone to answer, but the call remains silent. 

While he continues in his attempt to make contact, every scene of the night before floods back to your memory as you try to piece everything together. It was Taehyung, it had to be. He must just be playing a stupid joke. He was surely going to shout ‘gotcha’ before the phone disconnected, but you won’t know for certain until someone can get you off this blasted lift. You sink to the floor and Jimin follows, unable to reach anyone on the outside. 

Despite your best efforts to rationalize what happened, your panicked breaths fail to slow, Spots start appearing in your vision as the elevator sways around you. Your breakfast threatens to make another appearance on the polished marble floor. 

“It’ll be fine. Someone will notice soon.” Jimin attempts to comfort you but even that won’t quash the fear raging inside you.

“It’s not just that...” You whisper. “Something happened last night. I need to call Namjoon, I need to figure out...” Who was actually in that bed with you. Your confusion and panic break free sending you into a fit of tears as you hug your knees to your chest.

“Hush, it’s okay.” Jimin readjusts, moving in front of you and taking your hands in his. He leans towards you as he whispers in your ear. “Don’t cry babygirl.”

Your eyes snap to look at Jimin in alarm. Your prior worries are nothing compared to the terror which takes hold now. “H-how do you know that name?” Your stuttered words barely make their way past your lips.

“I think you know the answer to that question.” He pulls at the collar of his shirt allowing you to spot a large red mark on his neck, right where you had bitten the man you once thought to be Taehyung. “I wanted to wait a bit longer, I wanted more moments like we had last night but it would seem that someone had to go and ruin it.” You pull back but Jimin’s hands shift to take hold of your wrists, mimicking the manacles that embraced you the night before. “Are you not happy babygirl? You got your wish. And I... I got what I’ve always wanted.”

“This is so wrong Jimin! You knew I thought you were someone else! You knew that I wouldn’t have done that last night if I knew the truth.” 

“Even though I was the one you really wanted babygirl?”

“Stop calling me that! Just because of what happened last night does not make me yours. You lied to Namjoon. You said that I sent you. You told him you were Taehyung!”

Jimin gives a wicked laugh in response to your accusations. “Oh, but you are mine. Namjoon is the one who’s been keeping things from you. He’s been in my employ far longer than yours.” He coos as his fingers tighten their grip on you. “I was the reason you were introduced to him, and I was the one who bestowed you with that name shortly after.”

“No, that’s not possible, Namjoon and I, we met at a charity event.”

“Hosted by my father. Where I told him to make himself known to you, to entice you to become one of his pets. I may have acted the sub last night but I am the one who holds Namjoon’s reins, I always have.”

“No he would never do that! He’s considerate and-”

“Had so much to gain by dominating you on my behalf. Money, power, and an assurance of safety, he would’ve been a fool to turn my offer down. Especially since you were so willing to play along with him. I dare say he enjoyed his time with you, but I was the one who permitted him to touch you. I was there to listen, to read, and to direct every conversation. Those gifts he told you to wear to the office, they were all from me.” He lets go of one of your wrists to pull down the neck of your shirt. Revealing the leather band strapped around your neck. “Today it’s the collar, yesterday it was the corset, and a few weeks ago...” Jimin smirks as he recalls the memory to your mind. “You barely made it through that meeting thanks to my gift.”

  It’s impossible to swallow the admissions coming from him, but regardless of what may be true or false, you won’t stand for any of it. “You’ve had your fun, but this ends now.” You reach up attempting to remove the collar but Jimin pushes you to the floor pinning your arms above you as he straddles you. The elevator wavers from the struggle, teetering as you lay captive beneath him. 

“I don’t think you understand the situation you’ve placed yourself in. I hold in my possession your darkest secrets. One’s that will ruin you if they make their way out. Your illegal activity with a sex worker, your inappropriate sexual conduct with your secretary. Not to mention the names and dubious activities of every client you’ve recommended to Namjoon’s services.”  

“Why... why are you doing this?” 

“Because you found me. I worked so hard to exploit my father from the outside, getting everything I wanted without the threat of public exposure. I couldn’t let you ruin it all. When we first met I considered you a threat, but then I saw how easy and enjoyable it was to mould to my will. The more intimate you become with someone the more power you give them over you. Simply being your secretary isn’t enough, not if I want you in a more pliable state.” Jimin hushed whisper mixes with a haunting giggle as his lips come to your ear. “I plan to bend you to fit every one of my needs.”

“You’re psychotic!” You lash out trying to throw him off but he stems your revolt by planting himself further down on to you, sitting on your chest as the elevator sways.

“Psychotic? No, I am simply a man who found his passion amidst his revenge. I know what I desire, and vengeance has taught me how best to take it. So if you want to keep yourself and everything else around you from falling, I suggest you play along like a good girl. Or I promise you, my punishments won’t be as kind as what you’ve experienced before.”

“What is it that you want?” You ask, already fearing his answer. He has you trapped in a gilded cage with him, where one misstep will send you plummeting to meet your end. Nothing that comes accompanied by such threats can be palatable.

“At work? To keep the status quo, I’ll remain your secretary, only so I can keep a better hold on you.” 

“Hoseok won’t agree to that. He already thinks I should ditch you. I should have listened to him.” 

“Then you will make him agree or he might have an accident, much like your accountant did. He too thought we were too close, even threatened to say something. Don’t worry I saved us from him, just as I’ll save us from Hoseok if you can’t convince him to back off. Do you think you can get him to agree now?”

You give a solemn nod, with Hoseok on the line you have no choice.

“After hours, we’ll drop the middleman.” Jimin lowers himself further on to you, laying down on top, his weight flattening you to the floor. With his head coming to rest on your restrained arm as he whispers further plans. “Every night you’ll come to me instead, and every morning you’ll have a new gift to wear. When we step off this elevator you’ll act as if nothing is wrong. You will go about business as usual, is that clear babygirl?”

You stifle a sob staring directly up and away from his eyes, not daring to give him the satisfaction of your fear. With little else to cling to, all you can do is agree for the time being, as much as it pains you, you choke out your compliance. “Yes...” 

“Yes what?” Jimin purrs, his lips faintly touching your ear. “Address me properly, or I will find ways to discipline you right here on this lift.” His fingers tighten and nails bite into your skin.

“Yes sir,” you whine as a plea for him to stop. 

Jimin mercifully lessens his hold on your wrists, hitting you instead with a smirk and befouled praise. “Good girl. I knew you’d finally see that I’m worth the risk.”

...

[amphtaminedreams]

Why Ethical Fashion Doesn’t Need to be Boring (In the Words of a Shopping Addict): Lookbook no.14

Hi to anyone reading,

Arghhhh.

I never know how to start posts when I literally just uploaded the other week because I tend to follow the very formulaic approach of summarising what I’ve missed due to sporadic posting…I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m still posting sporadically, it just so happens I’ve had more content to get up recently-sometimes lightning strikes twice, ya know, and I have a brief, if chemically fuelled, reprieve from the permanent state of exhaustion. It’s not like there isn’t stuff to talk about- the last month has seen a horrific murder and public outcry in response. There are a lot of important conversations going on about women’s safety and misogynistic violence that I really cannot do justice to in a paragraph and feelings that have been brewing for a long time that I can’t articulate yet and will not attempt to offhandedly do so in this post. Right now I just wanna say that I stand in solidarity with all those with histories of experiencing violence at the hands of men, those who aren’t here with us anymore as a result of that violence such as Sarah Everard, and those marginalised women whose stories don’t make national news. It’s very telling the way Sarah’s vigil was responded to by the same police force that have allowed mostly male anti-mask protests to go ahead with protestors unscathed, and solidarity with the women who were treated with such an unjustifiable amount of force at the vigil too.

That being said, women’s rights are something I wanted to talk about in this post, with regards to the way it ties into ethical fashion. None of us are perfect and it’s easy living in a first world country to detach yourself from the issues stemming from fast fashion, especially when you don’t have the time or money yourself to be selective about where you buy from. Don’t get me wrong, I do treat myself to some new clothes from fast fashion companies like ASOS and Urban Outfitters a few times a year so this is NOT coming from a place of preaching, but I have drastically reduced that to buying about 90% of my new clothes either second hand from Depop or charity shops or clothing stores that are upfront about their outsourcing practices. I love putting outfits together and updating my wardrobe and I don’t want to abandon that as a medium of self-expression because it does bring me joy, but to continue to update my wardrobe with the frequency I do by buying from fast fashion retailers on such a regular basis I accepted was going against the things I care about; around 80% of textile workers on poverty wages in developing countries are girls and women (opensocietyfoundations.org), and whilst fast fashion companies in the West continue to outsource manufacturing to said countries to cut costs and there is little regulation enforcing employers to pay women the same amount as men or even adhere to a minimum wage, they will continue to be forced into these roles where they are subjected to horrific working conditions, impossible production targets and frequent abuse (according to an article published in the Guardian in June 2018, 540 incidences of abuse, often of a sexual nature, were reported by women working in factories supplying the retailers GAP and H&M when they were interviewed on the subject). There is no denying that the fast fashion industry depends on and perpetuates the subjugation of women and systematically prevents them from making steps towards gender equality in their countries, be it through greater financial independence or the freedom to pursue higher education; the popular current practice by western fast fashion companies of outsourcing manufacturing to factories unhindered by workers rights and gender equality laws by association condones the sexual and physical violence that occurs as a means of punishment for not meeting targets, the exploitative pay which affords women little independence from husbands and families dominated by patriarchal values, and the long, exhausting hours which women have little choice but to take in order to avoid their contracts being terminated and to put food on the table. No, one individual completely abandoning fast fashion isn’t going to put an end to these unethical practices but if all of us make a conscious effort to reduce our consumption at least a little and make it clear why we’re doing so, we put greater pressure on fast fashion companies to act in a more responsible way. There isn’t going to be any kind of miraculous change of heart, so to force them to change we have to hit the industry and the people at the top who benefit from such practices where it really hurts: their profit.

SO, for this post I thought I would highlight some of my favourite more ethical online clothing companies to buy from; the more popular these more socially responsible brands become, the more apparent it becomes to fast fashion companies relying on an exploitative business model that how they treat their workers is of growing importance to consumers. It’s all very well and good Missguided and PLT talking about empowering women and making “girl boss” slogan tees but we need to make it clear that we’re aware of the hollowness of the gesture, and that we want less hypocritical talk and more action to actually enhance the lives of the women that work for them, not just the ones they show in their flashy offices on TV. I’ve included my favourite Depop shops too, because if you can shop second hand, that’s even better; though I like to treat myself to new clothes now and again, I’m aware that the impact the manufacturing process in general, whether or not the company acts in an ethical way with regards to their employment practices, has on the environment is more often than not detrimental. Depop has really been my saving grace this past year-if you know what you’re looking for and have the time and patience, you can find so many gems, and at this point the balance of my wardrobe is tipped firmly in the favour of the reuse and recycle approach to shopping. In the vein of reusing fashion, I thought I’d also include a mini lookbook for a cardigan I got from one of my favourite online retailers, The Ragged Priest, just as a reminder that 1). The best way to be sustainable is to rewear and 2). That with tweaks, one piece alone can give you multiple completely different outfits. Like honestly, outfit repeating doesn’t have to be a literal repeat. Sometimes it’s worth spending a little bit extra on something that looks good with everything, and making that investment into your ability to fool people that you’ve got your shit together by wearing something cool as fuck.

Quickly before I get into it, I’m aware that some ethical companies are a bit out of the average consumer’s price range, and so I wanted to sort them into price point categories which will work as follows:

£= most of their stock is £40 & under ££= most of their stock is between £40-£100 £££= most of their stock costs upwards of £100

Now, in no particular order (and starting with online retailers before moving onto Depop shops), here’s the list!

1. THE RAGGED PRIEST

PRICE POINT: ££

Using recycled fabric to construct their pieces where possible and releasing clothing in small drops designed to sell out rather than following the typical fast fashion model of outsourcing the production of vast amounts of clothing overseas, the Ragged Priest is my absolute favourite clothing brand out there. It’s *semi* affordable and because they are all about those bold, in your face, your-grandma-will-probs-think-it’s-ugly kinda pieces, just one can do SO much for your wardrobe.

I recently bought this cardigan from their The Simple Life drop and had so many outfit ideas for it that I thought I’d put a few of them together for this post just as an example of how you can take the same piece over and over again and still make it interesting, even when you don’t feel like straying too far from your personal style preferences. While we’re at it, I also wanted to use this mini lookbook to point out how fucking great Depop is! Literally everything in these outfits is from there apart from the shoes and the jewellery, the leather blazer on the right I bought a few years ago and then the top and skirt in the outfit from the far left which are both from Ebay. The shoes with that outfit are from Koi Vegan footwear-I didn’t include them in this list because I wanted to keep it consistent and focus on ethical clothing companies rather than retailers that focus on one specific thing such as shoes or jewellery, but they are my favourite place to buy shoes from and focus closely on ethical production too so definitely recommend.

2. MINGA LONDON

PRICE POINT: ££

Towards the lower end of the ££ price point, Minga is probably the closest you’re gonna get to an ethical version of the Dolls Kill Deliah’s range. Their focus on being a socially responsible business is a huge part of their ethos and their pieces are put together in Portugal, where they're based, by a small in-house team; the majority of their fabric is sourced from local Portuguese businesses and even more amazingly, they recycle the fabric of the pieces they don’t sell in new designs. They are just a generally amazing company and I wish more people knew about them because their pieces are fucking adorable and wouldn’t be out of place (or overpriced) in your local UO.

3. ELSIE & FRED

PRICE POINT: £

A small, black owned business set up by 3 siblings from Coventry, Elsie & Fred have earned themselves a reputation as a staple provider of the festival season wardrobe. Being an independently owned business, they have strict standards that their manufacturers must adhere to and a close working relationship with the owners of the two factories who oversee production in Guangzhou, China, to ensure fair wages and a safe working environment. On the environmental side of things, Elsie and Fred are working to incorporate recycled fabric into their designs as much as possible and have this year introduced compostable mailing bags.

4. HOUSE OF SUNNY

PRICE POINT: £££

Follow enough British instagram fashion influencers and you are bound to have heard of House of Sunny in 2020-snagging what is probably my all time favourite coat from there in 2019 before all the hype is a humble brag I will allow myself on the basis that I haven’t been able to afford anything since, lol. Along with kooky, one of a kind designs, being decidedly anti-fast fashion is a huge part of their branding; HoS only drop 2 collections of limited stock a year, thoroughly screen suppliers and on their website you can find a tonne of information on how they’re working to offset their environmental impact too. If you can treat yourself to a piece from there at any point, the quality of the garments truly make the price point worth it.

5. JADED LONDON

PRICE POINT: ££

Similarly to The Ragged Priest and House of Sunny, Jaded London go the route of dropping limited collections on a less frequent basis intending to sell out (particularly popular pieces are occasionally restocked) rather than needlessly manufacturing vast quantities of garments to flog for whatever they can get and cutting corners with fair employment practices to offset any losses. By employing independent staff in the manufacturing plants with which they liaise to ensure fair, dignified working conditions and also by working closely with charities such as the Trussel Trust and Stand Up to Racism, Jaded London demonstrates a level of commitment to corporate responsibility that set them apart from a lot of similar online retailers. They are at the top of their game when it comes to daring and experimental yet wearable pieces and so it’s cool that they recognise the need to conduct their business in a considerate way too.

6. THE HIPPIE SHAKE

PRICE POINT: ££

Owned by UK based bohemian queen Naomi Hession, the Hippie Shake is not only a great small independent business to support but is also the definition of slow fashion. With a limited number of opulent 70s style pieces, I have always wanted to purchase something from here. I’ve yet to do so but I’m gonna make it my mission eventually.

7. VINTAGE HEARTS

PRICE POINT: £

An affordable, gorgeous array of quirky handpicked vintage pieces that would probably take you forever to find in a charity shop or that you’d be charged a small fortune for if you found it in a high street second hand store, Vintage Hearts is where you should go if you want a timeless statement piece that may have otherwise ended up in a landfill. The added benefit of vintage clothing is that it is, by its nature, great for the environment, but you can also look fab and groovy as fuck as you do your bit for the planet<3

8. WE ARE COW

PRICE POINT: £

Offering both original vintage pieces and reworked pieces using recycled fabrics, We Are Cow has both basic branded second hand items but also handmade streetwear style original designs all for a fair price. You can tell that it’s all high quality stuff consistent with their modern, functional aesthetic and it’s clear that the team behind the shop has a real vision in mind when they’re designing. 

9. OUT OF THE ORDINARY CLOTHING

PRICE POINT: £

In the words of Corrie Davis, founder of OOTO "I start with the belief that fashion will be always be worn differently by the individual that wears it. Every collection from Out of the Ordinary is different to the last but undeniably Out of the Ordinary. I champion flamboyancy and embrace the cultures I've experienced around the world, merging the two and creating popular style trends in exciting textiles, prints and techniques to bring to you something a little Out of the Ordinary." That pretty much sums up the vibrancy, vivacity and bold elegance of the brand’s aesthetic perfectly, which is reflected by Davis’ commitment to ethical manufacturing based on relationships forged between the founders and family artisans and the sourcing of fabrics from textile markets around the world. Everything you need for a boujie summer holiday in the Mediterranean-when leaving the country is finally allowed again, lol, EVERYBODY GET YOUR FUCKING VACCINE-is here.

10. WILD THING

PRICE POINT: ranges from £-£££ depending on the brand

Probs the closest thing you’ll get to an ethical ASOS, Wild Thing brings together a host of sustainable and independent clothing brands and puts them all in one place to present to us all a collection of the sickest festival style fashion out there. Whilst it’s super cool that this already exists and a slice of humble pie for myself to remind me that I am not in fact the revolutionary marketing genius I thought I was, I’m bummed to know that my idea of said ethical ASOS style website is already out there. Fingers crossed for the next grand money making scheme that comes to mind that I can use to distribute some wealth (yeah, there probably won’t be any because very few original thoughts enter my head, clearly, tehe) xoxo

11. SHOPFLUFFY

PRICE POINT: ££

I know it’s 2021 and we all kind hate the idea of girl boss feminism and the connotations of privilege and exploitation that come with it but can we bring it back when we’re talking about women who embody what it was actually all supposed to be about? Because the owner of ShopFluffy, @lulutrixabelle embodies everything good about the term. Somebody who genuinely does (cue Ramona singer voice here) empower other women through her celebration of powerful female friendship and free spirited sense of personal style that should inspire every one of us to wear whatever the fuck we want (clashing patterns and over-accessorising be damned), Lulu handmakes all the designs on her site and very much places an emphasis on slow fashion by releasing only a few collections a year which you can clearly tell a lot of painstaking effort and talent went into. ShopFluffy is on the pricier side but the adorable crocheted coords LuLu specialises in, reminiscent of carefree childhood days and picnics in meadows picturesque enough to be the backdrop of a Jacquemus runway presentation, are a bold and beautiful expression of playful femininity worthy of departing with a bit more than you’d usually spend. After all, if you are gonna spend that money on a piece of clothing, supporting an ethical, independent woman owned business clearly built on carefully honed skill, passion and authenticity is the way to go.

12. SHOPEASYTIGER

PRICE POINT: ££

It feels correct to follow up the ShopFluffy mention with ShopEasyTiger given the friendship between the former’s owner with Tigerlilly Winfield (is that not the most wonderfully storybook character sounding name of all time?), owner of Easy Tiger. Up there with my most revered style icons, Tigerlilly’s designs are as flamboyant and glamorous and daring and dramatic as her own personal style, and again, they are ethically made! If you want to get that psychedelic rock n’roll groupie that’s actually way cooler than the band itself kinda energy too, her shop is the place to start.

13. HOTTTRAMP 

PRICE POINT: ££

Founded by the incredibly hot Belle_hott_tramp on Instagram, HottTramp is a collection of both handmade pieces and carefully selected vintage finds that blur the lines between 90s Courtney Love style grunge and 70s summer of love hippy that make me want to start my own all girl rock band and hire a camper van to paint black and road trip through the American desert. Given my complete lack of hand eye coordination, I’ll most likely never have the instrumental skills to do that but I never said it was a realistic fantasy, okay?

14. LAZY OAF

PRICE POINT: ££

Is it just me that always thought Lazy Oaf was within the same kind of price range as The Ragged Priest? Because it’s a lottt more expensive than I thought. That being said, if you’re going for a playful, toned down Molly Goddard kinda look, anything bright and youthful, Lazy Oaf’s clothes 100% fit that brief. You are paying more, but part of that markup is reflected in their transparency when it comes to their ethical code, which includes ensuring that statutory minimum wage laws are adhered to in the supply chain as well as that all workers are of the legal working age for their countries and that their working hours do not exceed the legal limit. They are also steadfastly committed to donating a portion of their profits to charities dedicated to improving mental wellbeing such as Mind, Rethink Mental Illness, and Young Minds, something that is hugely important to me given my own experiences and the line of work I want to go into.

15. NEVER FULLY DRESSED

PRICE POINT: ££

Similar in their aesthetic to Out of the Ordinary, Never Fully Dressed is big on colour, print, and elegance. They have both specially selected second hand pieces on offer and original designs too and the about us section of their website clearly states how passionate they are about their ethical manufacturing process, which takes place both here in the UK and in China.

16. TUNNEL VISION

PRICE POINT: ££

Offering the dreamiest, one of a kind vintage 90s pieces, Tunnel Vision could just as easily be a grunge girl band come the craft themed moodboard as it is an online retailer. If the 90s isn’t for you-I mean, I don’t wanna question anybody’s taste levels but…-they also have the option of shopping by era, which I think is a really cool feature I wish a lot of irl vintage shops would incorporate.

17.  LOVE TOO TRUE

PRICE POINT: £

Everything on Love Too True is fucking gorgeousss and it is no surprise that they manufacture their garments here in London because I feel their brand totally encompasses that stereotypical 90s East End punk vibe perfectly with a shit tonne of chunky boots and show stopping plaid pieces that makes my heart ache for a riot grrrl renaissance. Yes, when it comes to feminism’s place in mainstream culture, making sure the political goals and structural changes we’re aiming for are visible to all is by far the most important, but let’s have a resurgence of the grunge girl’s armour along with that and PLEASE let’s leave athleisure in the 2010s. No more Kardashian nude leggings, I beg (I AM being lighthearted, wear whatever you want! We’re not policing women’s clothes in this neck of the woods).

18. NINE LIVES BAZAAR

PRICE POINT: £££

Eurgh. Nine Lives Bazaar. I want it ALL. Their clothes give me all the Etro, Zimmerman, Torey Burch, modernised Stevie Nicks vibes on a slightly more realistic budget, though unfortunately for me said budget just isn’t realistic enough. You would think pieces being ethically produced is just a given when it comes to clothes within this price range but that’s not necessarily the case and Nine Lives Bazaar is one of the ones you can trust to actually be considerate of their employees needs when it comes to their approach to business. To anybody who can afford to shop here, I am insanely jealous. The rest of us, for now, can just browse the website n feel the fantasy, channel a Valentina level of delusion and pretend it’s just the import taxes from Australia that’s holding us back from making a purchase.

-DEPOP SHOPS-

1. @HOUSE_OF_EROTIQUE

PRICE POINT: ££

Everything handmade and latex and form fitting to make you the baddest bitch in the room, I’ve got myself a few pieces from this shop over the past couple of years. Customer service is a bit hit or miss and there’s been times when I’ve had to wait a while for my purchases to get to me but because they’re all one of a kind and custom made to fit, it’s worth it, and when they have messed up they were kind enough to add something to my order for free.

2. @SACREDHAWK

PRICE POINT: ££

If you picture raiding the wardrobe of a biker gang, snatching the Coachella bound suitcases of the Revolve ambassadors at Palm Springs airport, and then jumbling all those clothes together, that’s probably your best bet at getting an idea of Sacred Hawk’s aesthetic. Formerly an ASOS concession, the brand is now available on Depop and is a collection of the most lavish glam grunge pieces, all vintage or reworked vintage. Some things are a bit on the pricey side but I would say they are all priced fairly considering how unique and ornate a lot of the pieces are, and I reeeeally wanna be able to say I own something from there one day.

3. @IDENTITYPARTY

PRICE POINT: £££

I struggled with how to categorise this Depop shop in terms of price point because although there are some fairly low-priced pieces, the standouts are the vintage coats which are understandably a lot more expensive-if you want to fully immerse yourself in the Almost Famous Penny Lane fantasy, you’re gonna have to fork out a little bit.

4. @RETRO_RAIL

PRICE POINT: £££

Retro_rail is of a similar vein to IdentityParty, in that the standout pieces are the vintage coats which are usually upwards of £100-if you’re looking for one-of-a-kind statement outerwear to invest in, I can’t recommend this shop enough. If you’re like me and you’re looking for something more within the £ to ££ price range, Retro Rail is still worth a browse as inspiration for the kind of styles you might wanna try and find elsewhere on Depop.

5. @5THSEASON

PRICE POINT: £

Most of the quirky vintage pieces you’ll find on offer on this Depop shop are within the £25 to £40 price range and though you’ve got coats similar to those you’ll find on Identity Party and Retro Rail and they are sill slightly more than the tops and trousers and dresses on sale etc., they are more modestly priced than the other 2 listed.

6. @DREAMERSREBELS

PRICE POINT: £££

Another v pricey one, dreamersrebels specialises in the daintiest, most whimsical 60s style co-ords I’ve ever seen. Handmade upon purchase, which in turn guarantees little textile waste, you can find the kind of pieces you’d expect to see on a 21st century incarnation of Audrey Hepburn, all the soft pastels and timeless, retro silhouettes you could possibly wish for. I mean, wishing is pretty much all I can do rn but anyone with a near minimum wage retail job knows you need something to aspire to, lol. I managed to budget enough to treat myself to a Selkie dress so I’m manifesting that same level of self-discipline to get me a dreamersrebels piece next.

7. @AWKWARDPHASE

PRICE POINT: £

Very affordable vintage pieces that range from cutesy mid-century style dresses and coats to grungy 90s jackets, perfectly styled and presented too in a way that will have you wanting to order something for yourself to replicate that modern spin on old staples and give them a second life.

8. @EVIEHALLOWS

PRICE POINT: £

Another Depop shop where the clothes are styled so well, it’ll have you thinking you can make anything from a floral 1950s housewife style cardigan to a lycra jumpsuit look very intentionally on trend.

9. @JAHOOLI

PRICE POINT: £

There’s also Jahooli, which I will just say ticks all the same boxes as the other two aforementioned stores to avoid repeating myself.

10. @LOVELYANDLOVELESS 

PRICE POINT: £

In terms of price, I would put Lovely and Loveless into the same category as Jahooli, Awkward Phase and Evie Hallows, the difference being that the clothes available are more on the dainty, classically feminine side. People who have a Pinterest board dedicated to the cottagecore or light academia aesthetic (whew, the gen Z is showing), this one’s for you.

11. @CHLOESTJOHN

PRICE POINT: £

Finally, we have the ChloeStJohn Depop shop and it’s definitely a good one to end on; picture the wardrobe of Carrie Bradshaw if she’d lived in Camden instead of New York in the 90s and hung out with a slightly edgier crew than Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha and there you have it, the vibe of the pieces on offer. Does it belong to a girl who probs lives near Primrose Hill and has access to all the boujiest second hand clothes shops available which she most likely routinely raids to resell on Depop? Potentially, but hopefully not because I am very here for this whole red wine in one hand and a cigarette in another back when people were allowed to smoke inside bars aesthetic. I’m sorry that the gen Z part of me once again jumped out in such an aggressive fashion with that last sentence, but I know you know what I mean.

And that’s everything! 

I did wanna close off the post with a reminder of how nuanced a discussion this is-having the time and money to be more conscious about your ethical footprint when you’re buying clothes is in itself a privilege; fashion shouldn’t be an interest reserved for only those who have the means to pay extra or spend time scouring the internet. It’s also important to be aware of the lack of size inclusivity-a lot of the “trendy” sustainable fashion brands tend to not stock anything larger than a size 14 and attempt to deflect attention away from this by categorising clothes as either XS, S, M, or L, which is in itself a bit of a pisstake considering that 12-14 is the average clothing size here for women in the UK, and so in no way large. Shopping from Depop and Ebay is hard too when so many brands fail to understand how to fit a non-straight size body which in turn necessitates trying stuff on before you buy it, something that isn’t possible when you’re shopping second hand. A lot of Depop shops fail to offer returns and even with those who do, chasing up that return can be a time-consuming and generally all round frustrating process.

Basically, when we’re having these kinds of discussions it’s important to consider everyone’s situations and avoid sitting on some kind of high horse. I feel like things have become even more complicated lately- with the recent closure of once popular high street stores such as Topshop and Miss Selfridge, it has got me thinking a lot about just how many people’s income here in the UK is dependent on fast fashion retailers too and their popularity. The job scarcity resulting from these kind of closures, which are often all that is available to a lot of people with the demands of the job market seemingly becoming more and more impossible each day even for those who have been in higher education, is clearly an issue when the kind of support you can expect from the government as someone out of work is so woefully inadequate and likely to become even more so as the conservatives push for further cuts to UC and PIP. The past year has really shown us just how shaky the ground that an intensely capitalist society stands on is and how quickly everything can go tits up when we don’t invest in a safety net for those who are struggling. People seem to have realised more than ever the extent to which those whose jobs we deem “low-skilled” are actually the backbone of society, and yet even here, whilst the situation may not be quite as desperate as it is elsewhere, we still haven’t seen pay rises that reflect that. Turns out all the clapping WAS an empty gesture, who’d have thought it (for fuck’s sake)? Fair wages really are a global issue that starts with paying people enough for them to comfortably live on and in time should lead to a shift in consciousness away from the concept of profit before everything else and towards an equal playing field for everyone, something we should take every opportunity to speak up about and demand from our “leaders”, however shit a job so many of those leaders do. It’s frustrating how the focus on making ethical purchasing choices is so often on the overconsumption of things that women historically are more actively interested in such as clothes and accessories and make up when the reality is that the wealth of every industry titan on this planet, NOT just the ones who dominate the fast fashion sphere, depends on them continuing to get away with exploiting people-we should be looking at how we can show our dissatisfaction in all areas. Maybe I’m perpetuating that with this post, since a lot of the online retailers I mentioned only sell women’s clothing, but that being said, I’m not about to do men’s work for them, lol-they should make the effort, if possible, to research into sustainable clothing alternatives too.

Anyway, that’s the end of this post! If you read to the end, thank you so much! If I’ve made any errors in my research or there are more sustainable clothing brands that I could’ve mentioned, feel free to inbox me them too, and I can add them to this post if Tumblr allows. It’s usually a little bitch when it comes to editing long posts but I’ll try my best:) Again, thanks for reading! And if you are, I hope you are safe and well!

Lauren x

[killianmesmalls]

On your comments about Jack: ye-es, in the sense that Jack is a character who definitely deserved better than he was treated by the characters. The way Dean especially treats him reflects very badly on Dean, no question. But, speaking as a viewer, I think the perspective needs to shift a little bit.

To me, Jack is Dawn from Buffy, or Scrappy Doo. He’s an (in my opinion) irritating kid who is introduced out of nowhere to be both super vulnerable and super OP, and the jeopardy is centered around him in a way that has nothing to do with his actual character or relationships. He’s mostly around to be cute and to solve or create problems — he never has any firm character arcs or goals of his own, nor any deeper purpose in the meta narrative. In this way, he’s a miss for SPN, which focuses heavily on conflicts as metaphors for real life.

Mary fits so much better in that framework, and introducing her as a developed, flawed person works really well with the narrative. It is easy for us to care about Mary, both as the dead perfect mother on the pedestal and as the flawed, human woman who could not live up to her sons’ expectations. That connection is built into the core of SPN, and was developed over years, even before she was a character. When she was added, she was given depth and nuance organically, and treated as a flawed, complex character rather than as a plot device or a contrivance. She was given a voice and independence, and became a powerful metaphor for developing new understandings of our parents in adulthood, as well as an interesting and well-rounded character. You care that she’s dead, not just because Sam and Dean are sad, but for the loss of her development and the potential she offered. So, in that sense, I think a lot of people were frustrated that she died essentially fridged for a second time, and especially in service of the arc of a weaker character.

And like, you’re right, no one can figure out if Jack is a toddler or a teenager. He’s both and he’s neither, because he’s never anything consistently and his character arc is always “whatever the plot needs it to be.” Every episode is different. Is he Dean’s sunny opportunity to be a parent and make up for his dad’s shitty parenting? Yes! Is he also Dean’s worst failure and a reminder that he has done many horrible things, including to “innocent” children? Yes! Is he Cas’s child? Yes! Is he Dean’s child? Yes! But also, no! Is he Sam’s child? Yes! Is he a lonely teenager who does terrible things? Yes! Is he a totally innocent little lamb who doesn’t get why what he is doing is wrong? Yes! Is he the most powerful being in the universe? Yes! Does he need everyone to take care of him? Yes! Is he just along for the ride? Yes! Is he responsible for his actions? Kinda??? Sometimes??? What is he???

Mary as a character is narratively cohesive and fleshed-out. Jack is a mishmash of confusing whatever’s that all add up to a frustrating plot device with no consistent traits to latch on to. Everything that fans like about him (cute outfits, gender play, well-developed parental bonds with the characters) is fanon. So, yes, the narrative prioritizes Mary. Many fans prioritize Mary, at least enough that Dean’s most heinous acts barely register. To the narrative (not to Cas, which is a totally different situation), Jack is only barely more of a character than Emma Winchester, who Sam killed without uproar seasons earlier. He’s been around longer, but he’s equally not really real.

I debated on responding to this because, to tell the truth, I think we fundamentally disagree on a number of subjects and, as they say, true insanity is arguing with anyone on the internet. However, you spent a lot of time on the above and I feel it's only fair to say my thoughts, even if I don't believe it will sway you any more than what you said changed my opinions.

I'm assuming this was in response to this post regarding how Jack's accidental killing of Mary was treated so severely by the brothers, particularly Dean, because it was Mary and, had it been a random character like the security guard in 13x06, it would have been treated far differently. However, then the argument becomes less about the reaction of the Winchester brothers to this incident and more the value of Jack or Mary to the audience.

I believe we need to first admit that both characters are inherently archetypes—Mary as the Madonna character initially then, later, as a metaphor for how imperfect and truly human our parents are compared to the idol we have as children, and Jack as the overpowered child who is a Jesus allegory by the end. Both have a function within the story to serve the Winchester brothers, through whose lens and with whose biases we are meant to view the show's events. We also need to admit that the writers didn't think more than a season ahead for either character, especially since it wasn't initially supposed to be Mary that came back at the end of season 11 but John, and they only wrote enough for Jack in season 13 to gauge whether or not the audience would want him to continue on or if he needed to be killed off by the end of the season. Now, I know we curate our own experiences online which leads to us being in our own fandom echo chambers, however it is important to note that the character was immediately successful enough with the general audience that, after his first episode or two, he was basically guaranteed a longer future on the show.

I have to admit, I’m not entirely sure why the perspective of how his character is processed by some audience members versus others has any bearing on the argument that he deserved to be treated better overall by the other characters especially when taking their own previous actions in mind. I’m not going to tell you that your opinion is wrong regarding your feelings for Jack. It’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it, it harms no one to have it and express it. My feelings on Jack are clearly very different from your own, but this is really just two different people who processed a fictional person in different ways. I personally believe he has a purpose in the Winchesters’ story, including Castiel’s, as he reflects certain aspects of all of them, gives them a way to explore their own histories through a different perspective, and changes the overall dynamic of Team Free Will from “soldiers in arms” to a family (Misha’s words). In the beginning he allows Sam to work through his past as the “freak” and powerful, dangerous boy wonder destined to bring hell on earth. With Dean, his presence lets Dean work through his issues with John and asks whether he will let history repeat itself or if he’ll work to break the cycle. Regarding Cas, in my opinion he helps the angel reach his “final form” of a father, member of a family, lover and protector of humanity, rebellious son, and the true show of free will. 

From strictly the story, he has several arcs that work within themes explored in Supernatural, such as the argument of nature versus nurture, the question of what we’re willing to give up in order to protect something or someone else and how ends justify the means, and the struggle between feeling helpless and powerless versus the corruptive nature of having too much power and the dangerous lack of a moral compass. His goals are mentioned and on display throughout his stint on the show, ones that are truly relatable to some viewers: the strong desire to belong—the need for family and what you’ll do to find and keep it. 

With Mary, we first need to establish whether the two versions of her were a writing flaw due to the constant change in who was dictating her story and her relationship to the boys, which goes against the idea that her characterization was cohesive and fleshed-out but, rather, put together when needed for convenience, or if they both exist because, as stated above, we are seeing the show primarily through the biased lens of the Winchester brothers and come to face facts about the true Mary as they do. Like I said in my previous post, I don’t dislike Mary and I don’t blame her for her death (either one). However, I do have a hard time seeing her as a more nuanced, fleshed-out character than Jack. True, a lot of her problems are more adult in nature considering she has to struggle with losing her sons’ formative years and meeting them as whole adults she knows almost nothing about, all because of a choice she made before they were born. 

However, her personal struggles being more “mature” in nature (as they center primarily on parental battles) doesn’t necessarily mean her story has layers and Jack’s does not. They are entirely different but sometimes interconnected in a way that adds to both of their arcs, like Mary taking Jack on as an adoptive son which gives her the moments of parenting she lost with Sam and Dean, and Jack having Mary as a parental figure who understands and supports him gives him that sense of belonging he had just been struggling with to the point of running away while he is also given the chance to show “even monsters can do good”. 

I’d also argue that Jack being many ages at once isn’t poor writing so much as a metaphor for how, even if you’re forced to grow up fast, that doesn’t mean you’re a fully equipped adult. I don’t want to speak for anyone else, but I believe Jack simultaneously taking a lot of responsibility and constantly trying to prove to others he’s useful while having childish moments is relatable to some who were forced to play an adult role at a young age. He proves a number of times that he doesn’t need everyone to take care of him, but he also has limited life experience and, as such, will make some mistakes while he’s also being a valuable member of the group. Jack constantly exists on a fine line in multiple respects. Some may see that as a writing flaw but it is who the character was conceived to be: the balance between nature or nurture, between good and evil, between savior and devil. 

Now, I was also frustrated Mary was “fridged” for a second time. It really provided no other purpose than to give the brothers more man pain to further the plot along. However, this can exist while also acknowledging that the way it happened and the subsequent fallout for Jack was also unnecessary and a sign of blatant hypocrisy from Dean, primarily, and Sam. 

And, yes, Jack can be different things at once because, I mean, can’t we all? If Mary can be both the perfect mother and the flawed, independent, distant parent, can’t Jack be the sweet kid who helps his father-figures process their own feelings on fatherhood while also being a lost young-adult forcing them to face their failures? Both characters contain multitudes because, I mean, we all do. 

I can provide articles or posts on Jack’s characterization and popularity along with Mary’s if needed, but for now I think this is a long enough ramble on my thoughts and feelings. I’m happy to discuss more, my messenger is always open for (polite) discussion. Until then, I’m going to leave it at we maybe agree to disagree. 

[lessonsfrommadamexmas]

EREN JAEGER AND THE ENNEAGRAM TYPE 6

First of all, to my followers, please excuse me. This account isn’t for SNK but it’s the one I have and I wanted to write this. 

Secondly, I hope this post finds the fandom lol. But if you’re expecting this to be another meta to judge Eren’s actions, don’t waste your time. The enneagram is a tool of understanding, not judgement, and I just wanted to share one thing I appreciate immensely about Eren’s characterization.

Well, why don’t we start with chapter 137? There, Zeke states that life’s purpose is to propagate and it’s core fear is to be extinguished. In other words, from the moment we are born, our organisms need to survive. As humans, we are on our own: suddenly, you gotta breathe on your own; the food is no longer provided. Everything is scary. A baby cries because everything is hard and far away and something in their biology tells them to keep fighting to survive. 

Now, onto a more spiritual approach. In El Eneagrama de la Sociedad, Claudio Naranjo says that several cultures have their own ideas and tales regarding a disconnection from a primordial state of wholeness. Once born, we become individuals and are separated from the Universe, as if we’re no longer in sync, and something is lost in the process. How can we survive? Our defense mechanisms start with that question. We need love, we need resources and we need to stand our ground in this cruel, but beautiful world. This, on the enneagram, is called “childhood trauma”. 

What I want to do in this post is to break down Eren’s character development through the lens of the enneagram, but for that, I need to give you an overview of the system. It is cruel and beautiful, just like the SNK world. It sees us with care and understanding but it also exposes the harsh truths we don’t want to see. 

The enneagram, first and foremost, is an ancient symbol, a figure of nine points connected within a circle. There’s a lot of fascinating history to it, but I’m gonna focus on what matters to this post. The enneagram is a personality system that encompasses nine essences of the Universe, and once our childhood trauma sinks in, we attach to one type which defines our worldview. Here’s how each enneatype manifests itself:

Type 1, the reformer: this person seeks to not make mistakes. They are principled and meticulous in everything they do but highly critical of themselves and others. 

Type 2, the helper: this person seeks to be needed. They are proud of their independence and helpfulness but believe they can only receive love if they give first. 

Type 3, the achiever: this person seeks to be worthy. They are motivated and ambitious but shape themselves around what is expected of them. 

Type 4, the individualist: this person seeks to build their identity. They are sensitive and creative but reject the ordinary and focus on what is harder to reach. 

Type 5, the investigator: this person seeks to be a specialist. They are perceptive and curious but withhold themselves and their resources and worry they’re never prepared. 

Type 6, the loyalist: we’ll talk about it in a moment.  

Type 7, the enthusiast: this person seeks to avoid pain. They are joyful and spontaneous but afraid of facing hardships and being swallowed by negativity and sadness. 

Type 8, the leader: this person seeks to be strong. They are fierce and protective but don’t allow themselves any vulnerability and need to be on top. 

Type 9, the peacemaker: this person seeks to be in peace. They’re kind and their inner stability is unshakable, but have a hard time asserting themselves.

So what does it mean to be a type 6?

Some of you might not believe if I told you that Eren is moved by fear. But that’s what it is. The type 6 represents fear itself. It’s our search for safety and support. The person who is a type 6 has disconnected from their inner guide and they don’t believe they have the same capability to make decisions as everyone else. That is more of an unconscious state, which manifests through an overly alert stance. Sixes are always on the lookout for threats and danger, their minds work predicting things that can go wrong, so they can be prepared. In other words, the type 6 fears how imprevisible life is, because they truly don’t find in themselves the compass to the answers they need “in this very moment”. They have to be one step ahead and they have to find outside structures for support, people in whom to trust and who’ll give them the guidelines and sense of balance. Fellowship and loyalty are essential to the type 6 as they look for reassurance in their concerns. 

In Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery (1996), Don Richard Riso has described nine levels of development for the enneatypes. They are the path from our healthy, healed state where we’re closer to wholeness again (Level 1) down to our most broken state where we’ve abandoned ourselves (Level 9). 

When we start Attack on Titan, Eren is on Level 6. Here’s what Riso says:

“In its innocent forms, counterphobia is well employed by people to master their fears — for example, children who are afraid of the dark might purposefully go to a dark room to overcome their fear.”

Eren, too, wanted to overcome his fear since he was a kid. He wanted to go outside and face those faceless titans. He wanted people around him to be prepared, but since the Garrison was incompetent and lazy, he needed to be prepared. Grisha seems to be Eren’s first authority figure. From what we know, Grisha allowed Eren to have his own thoughts and didn’t impose anything on him, which is a kind of reassurance. Thus, with his father, Eren felt more understood. 

Carla, on the other hand, wished for Eren’s immediate safety and cared about him living a quiet life. But that also means she couldn’t understand his concerns, and the type 6 interprets that demeanor as vulnerability — his mother is more exposed to the threat. If the type 6 is a room where nobody is vigilant, the only option they see is to step up and become hypervigilant.

This relation to an authority is very specific for the type 6 as they search for people and systems in whom to rely on. Since the Garrison aren’t the most reliable soldiers around, Eren turns to the Survey Corps. That section of the military consists of the rebels, those who want to explore the unknown, understand the titans and figure out the best way to fight the enemy. The SC wants to be free, so they become Eren’s next “authority figure”. 

Riso also says that the type 6 in Level 6 has a more aggressive stance and wants to prove to others that he isn’t indecisive and can’t be pushed around. 

“They blame and berate whatever threatens them. They become rebellious… and are desperate to latch onto a position or stance that will make them feel stronger and dispel their feelings of inferiority.”

The type 6 feels inferior because they feel lost inside. Eren, too, knows that the threat lurking behind those walls is much bigger than him and a single human doesn’t stand a chance. And he berates people around him for not seeing what he sees, or for disrespecting his “heroes”.

Eren will be back to Level 6 later, embodying other aspects of it, but let’s talk about the moment he joins the army. 

At this point, Eren reaches the stable position he has been eager for. He is part of a group and working towards his goals, he feels more confident because he’s preparing for the next attack. He has climbed to Level 4:

“The security which groups and institutions provide far exceeds the strength of any individual members...”

As we know, Eren sees his mission to eradicate all titans also as a social responsibility. The type 6 can easily fall into “us versus them” mentality where they are putting effort into something and will trust only the people who understand the importance of it. Eren’s bickering with Jean, as well as his admiration for Reiner starts from there. 

“And even within their own group, average Sixes make it their business to find out who is pulling the weight and who is not... If others are not loyal or committed, it not only makes them angry, it threatens them.”

Eren talks over and over about how he’s going to join the suicide squad, to the point people start making fun of him. But he is testing everyone’s commitment to the cause of “fighting titans” and he finds people like Jean, who only really want their safe life, as well as Reiner, who is dedicated and understands him immediately. Reiner becomes his new “authority figure”: whenever Eren’s failing, Reiner is there to understand him, to offer help and to remind him of why he’s there.

“The loyalty of average Sixes for the people with whom they have identified is almost without bounds. They find it extremely difficult to break their emotional bonds, even should they desire to do so… Their love may, in time, turn to hatred but never to indifference.”

That one speaks for itself. It’s exactly how Eren felt upon RBA’s betrayal. He’s in total denial about Annie, while for Reiner/Berthold all he has left is rage. 

Choosing who to trust is part of the type 6 identity. All of their beliefs, all their inner world is shaken if they are betrayed, because the network they build is how they find a safe space for themselves in the world and how they orient themselves. Annie was Eren’s parameter of fighter, Reiner was Eren’s parameter of leadership. The first backstab is too hard for him to process, we see it all unfold. He can’t admit she’s a traitor, and he doesn’t even have the will to transform and fight her. 

The second one, however, is embraced somewhat faster and he’s even able to contain himself and play along. But it doesn’t change how deeply it affected him and how vengeful he gets. Years later, that hatred would dissipate, but never to indifference — Eren still feels a need for some closure between them. 

I got ahead of myself on the timeline, so I’m going to rewind to the moment Eren joins the Survey Corps, which is his childhood dream. Erwin is his main authority figure now and you see that, even though Erwin locked him up, he trusts the guy. As Don Riso explains, the type 6 on Level 4 plays by the rules of his group because he strongly believes in those rules and they bring comfort to their minds. In reality, the SC doesn’t really know what they’re doing. Erwin himself doesn’t know how he’s gonna cross the walls and find out the truth. But Eren is devoted to them. Their cause is his cause and he knows how hard it is but what matters is they’re trying. Besides, they embrace him. They want to reach the basement and want to defend him on the court and want to investigate/use his titan power. Thus, for Eren, the SC is the most solid and welcoming place to be. He’ll do whatever they want from him. 

However, Eren was about to find out that things were far from glorious out there. Although the Survey Corps work under strict “plans” that soldiers are supposed to follow blindly, Eren can’t just watch people being sacrificed to protect him. Especially when he has enough power to act in a more significant way than those individual humans. But how much control does he have over his own power? Eren can’t answer that, and he feels immensely conflicted as soldiers continue to drop dead. 

In that moment, Levi could’ve forced him to follow his orders, and perhaps that would’ve eased his mind when he chose not to transform. But the captain is a different kind of leader than Erwin, and he challenges Eren instead:

And I really appreciate how fitting that is to the type 6 conflit. It’s very difficult for them to accept it, sometimes there simply isn’t a clear path, sometimes it is okay to trust yourself and act on your own. But this is what Eren’s thinking:

That didn’t turn out very well, did it? At the end of the expedition, Eren is forced to admit that the SC don’t have all the answers and that all his power and training can’t always keep everyone safe. He’s once again reminded of that after activating the Coordinate — not even the power to control titans can avoid sacrifices.

Ideally, the type 6 can only reach the safety they seek once they allow themselves to move in the chaos with the courage to face it step by step, instead of predicting it. This may sound easy for others but not for them, especially if they are inserted in a reality where the cost of a mistake is lives.  

So we get to the Uprising arc. It starts with the Survey Corps planning the retake of Wall Maria while they put Eren through hardening experiments. Time is not on their side and Eren’s determined to go beyond his limits during the tests. 

“They consequently try to further strengthen their ‘social security’ systems by working harder to be accepted and approved by their allies and authorities… Others wonder if they resent the workloads and pressures they seem to be under, yet Sixes seem eager to fulfill their obligations and duties...”

Eren’s entire world would fall apart again once he’s kidnapped by Rod Reiss and discovers the truth of his father’s sin. Like I said earlier, Grisha was one of Eren’s authority figures, and even though he was absent, the basement key and the promised truth kept son and father connected. Wherever Grisha was, Eren could still count on the answers he’d left behind. 

That is, until he is hit by a trainwreck of a revelation that his father killed an entire family and sacrificed himself to pass on the titans to him. Eren’s left completely lost, he no longer knows what to think of himself, of the world, of his father.

He falls from Level 4 to Level 7:

“Sixes become trapped in an unhealthy pattern of self-disparagement and massive insecurity which reinforces feelings of inferiority and worthlessness, a marked deterioration from the indecision and evasiveness we saw [before].”

This shift to a much more confused and self-loathing state doesn’t last long because Eren has his friend’s support for now. Historia chooses to see his worth and let him live. Levi once again challenges him to make his own decision, and Eren manages to save the day.

As Eren becomes aware of those destructive feelings, he tries to get rid of them by “fighting” himself, in an attempt to put himself back up.

He realizes he isn’t alone and he doesn’t have to do everything on his own, people around him are also strong enough to stand up for themselves. That helps him return to a more average stage and it could have been the beginning of his growth... 

Well, if only life wouldn’t have a surprise waiting for him at every corner. 

I hope you’re being able to follow and understand that we all have ups and downs in life. The levels of development represent exactly that, so it is common to find yourself in the same stage in different periods of your life. Nevertheless, after Eren learns the truth about the world and sees his future memories, it all goes downhill for him, no turning back anymore.  

Here is what Riso comments on the ambivalence of the type 6 on Level 5:

“Sixes begin to follow the narrow path between the expectations of their allies and authorities and their need to resist having any further demands placed on them.”

Eren is overwhelmed by the view of the outside world. He has experienced his father’s memories first hand and it’s nothing like what he expected. No one around him has the same perspective. A lot of self-awareness and self-doubt emerge from the future memories he saw through Historia. Riso explains that on Level 5 the person starts to become more worried about how their allies feel about them. 

“They become skeptical of new views and ideas, feeling that they have already put a lot of effort into understanding the perspectives and approaches they already know.”

Eren went from “I HATE TITANS ALL TITANS ARE MY ENEMIES DESTROY ‘EM ALL” to “titans are my people and they haven’t chosen this horrible outcome”. And that’s A LOT to process when you wrapped your life around that initial idea. But things are changing even faster, and his friends are talking about how the enemy could be reached out too. This thought needs to coexist in Eren with the clear image he has of the enemy, one that only he has accessed. Add to that how Eren was kept away from the Marleyan prisoners as Paradis also feared some kind of betrayal. As long as there’s people out there against them, he can’t so easily rest. 

Who knows at what point Eren returns to Level 6. The time skip is covered very loosely. But probably when he is feeling so lost that he actually comes to Historia to vent. 

“As in other types, to be functioning in this Level or lower usually indicates that there were extremely dysfunctional elements in the child’s environment.”

Self-explanatory. It’s even hard to talk about Level 6 because it is a point where Sixes start to overthink threats that aren’t that big, but in Eren’s case, the threat is 100% REAL and there’s a world isolating them and wishing for his people to die and throwing gigantic creatures at them. No big deal at all.

Eren turns to the people who actually understand the urgency he feels. Floch is eager to follow him, while Zeke and Yelena have an actual plan. Eren says he’s acting out of his own decisions, and he sure is, but he has also left it in Zeke’s hands to set the course. At this point, it no longer is a positive thing for the type 6 to have reassurance instead of a grounding support, it’ll only leave them trapped in the current mentality. 

What would be more appropriate would be a balance between rejection…

…and full acceptance.  

(By the way, I can’t even know where Historia stands, since she let him do his thing, but I’m still using her here because of how immediate her reaction was, which could lead Eren to think he can’t risk telling anyone else. Unhealthy Sixes are just that paranoid.)

Zeke could have been Eren’s new “authority figure“ if their goals were the same. But more and more the only thing Eren is starting to rely on are the future memories.

Riso talks about how a violent environment would lead to violent actions and “they end up using the same aggressive tactics on others”. And I can draw a parallel with how Eren has been facing titans for so long and watched them take people from him, that he just feels aggression arise whenever he thinks of all the injustice he has witnessed. Same would happen later on, when he sees Ymir’s memories and finally decides to unleash this pain on the world.

“It’s hard for Sixes to work for something. Instead, their energies are galvanized by being against people and things.”

Despite being highly conflicted and problematic, Eren so far has waited. It’s too hard at this point to fully engage with those dreams, but he has watched things unfold and allowed the Survey Corps to do their stuff and try to contact the outside world. On Level 7, the type 6 is just going through the day with little hope. When the SC reaches Marley and Eren meets the boy of his memories, he can no longer escape from facing himself.

“Tearful and obsequious, they are disgusted with themselves for not having been tough enough to stand on their own two feet, to defend themselves, to be independent.”

Not only Eren, but Paradis as a whole, have been unable to be independent in a much bigger world, or this is how he sees it after Kyiomi monopolizes the resources and the pro-Eldians group rejects the island. Finally, Eren recognizes in himself the person who would be capable of trampling the kid he currently wants to save, and that leaves him disgusted.   

“They do not necessarily deceive others maliciously, but to escape punishment or abandonment. They believe they may be able to repair the damage they have caused...”

What Riso is saying here is that the type 6 feel the need to hide (themselves) so their loved ones won’t abandon them. And again, in Eren’s case, he has a damn good reason to think his loved ones might not be super happy if he said he was going to destroy the whole world. Let’s not forget they are the people who counted on him to save the world this whole time, and he is the person several people have been sacrificed for. 

All this pressure has brought him this low, but Eren reaches rock bottom when he allows himself to admit he wished for it all to be destroyed. Now, he can no longer face his family (as he would tell Falco) and he has little faith in himself. 

Again, Eren’s paranoias aren’t so far from reality because there is, indeed, a world against them, and that keeps feeding into his anxiety. Paradis’s progress is little and the future is uncertain. When the type 6 reaches Level 9, they can no longer get out of this spiral. They know it’s only a matter of time until the threat comes to them. So they call the threat upon themselves.

Eren allowed himself to go as far as understanding his enemies and accepting that they’re the same, but with the declaration of war, he can’t wait anymore.

I already told you the reason: the type 6 needs to be able to predict. That’s the very core of their beings, their minds seek to control events. Striking first is their final attempt to make sure they won’t be taken by surprise. Ultimately, they are lost and desperate to find support again. Here’s what Riso says about the type 6 on Level 9:

“They may drop out, abasing themselves as vagrants and living in skid row conditions, thus allowing their health and minds to deteriorate to the point of no return.”

It almost feels like Isayama has read this book, I swear to God. Yeah, that’s word by word what Eren does. He goes to enemy territory, injures himself and throws himself in war. Despite resisting for so long to a new perspective of his enemies, Eren allows himself to see them with his own eyes. All because he’s desperate to understand his enemy, desperate to understand himself (and what would lead to his decision) and desperate to run away from his friends. He is ashamed of choosing those future memories as his new authority figure, get it? They are the most certain thing in his life now. As much as he waited and as much as the SC tried, they don’t have any guaranteed future and it’s just too hard for the type 6, especially unhealthy Sixes, to wait. It’s impossible. 

Remember I said that Sixes want to feel understood? Well, I think Eren feels understood, to some degree, when he’s among those broken soldiers. They are relatable, more than anyone else. 

“Neurotic Sixes bring disaster of some sort upon themselves not to end their relationship with authority figures, but to reestablish a protective one. [...] It is also important to notice that neurotic Sixes are masochist not because they take pleasure in suffering as such, but because they hope their suffering will bring someone to their side who’ll save them… as if to say, ‘Punish me, because I’ve been bad. Then you can love me again.’”

In the mind of the unhealthy type 6, if he can’t find the answers, he can’t be there for his allies. If he fails his allies, he doesn’t deserve their support. But even when he feels he doesn’t deserve it and feels they won’t forgive him, he desperately needs it — the type 6 doesn’t know how to live without support. He is completely aware of his cowardice, he may unleash his despair in innocent people, he seeks punishment for his behavior and hopes for someone to end his pain.

“Unhealthy Sixes are self-defeating persons who are their worst enemies. If they persist in their masochist behavior, neurotic Sixes will drive away everyone on whom they depend. They will be abandoned and alone, the very things they most fear.”

Eren pushed everyone away, but deep down he waited for them to come to his rescue. He knew he was a lost cause, but still couldn’t let go of what he saw as a compromise, a duty to them. His completely cruel and extreme actions are, in enneagram terms, his way to not leave his allies adrift. But aren’t all his actions for his own freedom? I don’t think so, not entirely. There’s a reason the type 6 has been named “the loyalist” — they always, always see themselves as part of a group. And in the end, he saw himself in Ymir, someone who was trapped and waiting to be rescued, understood. Don Riso says the worst part of coming this low is how much Sixes hurt others while they hurt themselves, both because they want to harm everyone who doesn’t understand and to show people the worst in themselves; they want to punish and be punished at same the time.

That is what I wanted to break down — Eren’s inner process. Yes, the type 6 is an ambivalent, contradicting personality type, precisely because that’s how they feel inside. Other enneagram types don’t escape from their own personal conflicts, that’s also important to point out. The enneagram does not define integrity, people capable of causing great harm exist in all types and no one from type 6 is fated to destroying the world — just in case that isn’t obvious. 

This post is heavy, I know. One of the things I love about SNK are the emotions it evokes and how human characters are. I’m so thankful to have followed Eren’s fascinating journey. He has never hit me as a one-dimensional character as some people claim. To me, Eren is not a chad, he’s not a monster, either. He’s just human. 

I’m thankful for this fandom as well. We’re a total mess but the monthly wait would’ve killed me without the crazy theories and the heated discussions.  

[robinasnyder]

So, thinking about Fruits Basket, especially in regards to the new Anime, I find I mostly either like the changes (Ritsu's episode) or am only missing small pieces of dialog. Except, so far, for one part.

Mayuko and Hatori.

For anyone who is Anime Only, let me just say that there is somehow a vast different between the anime and the manga. To be honest, Mayu and Hatori are probably one of my favorite pairings in the series. I was extremely excited to see their story in the anime.

I was a teenager when the first anime was dubbed and popular. The manga hadn't even finished when I started reading. I read a lot of fruits basket fanfic and crossover fic back then and I was always so frustrated that people often wrote Hatori getting back together with Kana. I didn't like Kana. I didn't like her in the old anime. I didn't like her in the manga. Truthfully, the mostly sympathy I've had for her was with the most recent anime. But I never liked her. Hatori got hurt and she basically made it all about herself. In my head, I paired him with an OC I created because I didn't want him back with Kana who seemed so flaky and selfish to me.

And then I got to see Mayu and Hatori's story, and after that, I couldn't pair Hatori and my OC anymore. I just loved Mayu so much and thought she fit Hatori so well.

This is why I'm so disappointed how much I don't like them in the new anime. I read someone who said that they didn't like Mayu and Hatori because it seemed like compulsive heterosexuality. And in the anime, it does. This isn't just something I didn't see when I was younger, I reread the manga a year ago and still loved them. I was most excited for this episode and just... it felt so weird.

What I liked about Mayu and Hatori is that the pair balance each other out pretty well.

Hatori is described as a kind, caretaker personality to the point that when Kana got so sick, he decided he had to save her no matter what ot cost him. He consistently tries to help the others around. But he also doesn't think very well of himself, or like he deserves happiness, or that if someone knew everything about him that they wouldn't like him.

When he sees Mayu again, he sees someone who knows him. She knew him when he was at his best, but also knee about some of the worst things he did. She's friends with his friends. She's still friends with the person he used to love most. And despite all of that, she still is so open to him and clearly cares about him. She's stubborn, and recognizes that he isn't truly happy when most people would never know. That she is someone who knows what he did to her best friend, and what happened to Kana because of him, and still looks at him and sees him and cares about him is just something he hasn't had before.

On Mayu's side, we do get to see how she sees Hatori. It's pretty clear that she saw who he was right from the beginning, but also clearly thought Kana was a better person and deserved him the most. For her, not having a chance with Hatori is painful, but she's fine with it because the two people she likes most on the world are happy together. And I think it's pretty clear she avoids Hatori afterwards because she doesn't want to be a painful reminder to him. She doesn't have her outburst becausr she's lonely or feel like she has to be with him, but because she genuinely is upset that he doesn't have the happiness he deserves.

I like them because they work together. Hatori will be the gentle but sarcastic spirit that Mayu needs. Mayu is stubborn and kind. I always got the sense that if Mayu had been faced with what Kana had been faced with, that she wouldn't have crumpled the way Kana did. She's a caretaker too. And having two caretakers means they will both be able to suppot each other.

All of this seemed extremely obvious in the manga.

The issue with the anime, I think, is that while Mayu mostly comes across, that Hatori just seems awkward. The affection he displays seems forced and stilted. You don't get those hidden depths of emotions. You don't get the hints of who they could be. The meeting in the anime isn't framed to allow Mayu to drop her hero worship, and isn't framed to show Hatori seeing that other people can care about him. In the anime, it seems like the meeting is something they would have to work past, not something which is a break-through for them. And that's why it doesn't work.

And I hate this because I honestly love this pairing so much.

[streamacademe]

Bonus post: Thesis writing.

This post will be a combination of tips and tricks I have received from numerous sources, with the majority coming from Shinton Consulting and STREAM IDC staff. 

The big T

If you’re anything like me, just the word ‘thesis’ can instill a sense of dread in me. However, the best way to deal with a phobia is to face it head on, so let’s do just that, both in a literal and metaphorical sense. 

What a thesis is and what to expect...

Writing a thesis could take anywhere between four weeks to a whole year, and sometimes even longer! The worst thing you can do is compare your progress to that of others; setting a benchmark is one thing, but beating yourself into a panicked pulp because you haven’t written as many chapters as a fellow PhD/EngD won’t do you any good. The best thing you can do is have regular discussions with your supervisors on how long your thesis will take and plan accordingly. 🕖

Your thesis has to be fit for purpose (that is to pass), which means that it has to:

Satisfy the expectations of your institution and industry sponsor (if applicable).

How did you solve the problem that was proposed to you?

Contain material which presents a unified body of work that could reasonably be achieved on the basis of three years’ postgraduate study and research.

Show you have done the work and impress your examiners.

Allow your examiners to confirm that the thesis is an original work, which makes a significant contribution to the field, including material worthy of publication.

Research your examiners and quote them where possible, especially if they’re relevant to your field.

Show adequate knowledge of the field of study and relevant literature. 

Make sure you read all of the key papers in your field. 

What were the gaps in knowledge?

The ‘references’ section is very important as this sets the scene and examiners will read this. BUT, don’t have too many references. 

Demonstrate critical judgement with regard to both the candidate’s work and that of other scholars in the same general field.

Compare approaches and conclusions of others.

Note potential conflicts of interest.

Why did you use this method/approach?

Is your interpretation the only possible explanation?

Be presented in a clear, consistent, concise, and accessible format. 

Make your examiners lives easier. 

Make your viva as pleasant as can be!

Basically, you need to know why your project was important, be able to explain the key work that has already been done in the area and how it relates to your research aim. You should then be able to explain what you have done during your research and how this contributes to your field. 

Note: Keep checking university regulations! Each university should have their own code of practice for supervisors and research students, which will look something like this. 

Picture: A short summary of the above. Source: Tumblr.

Planning and writing

I’m not going to lie to you, it is not going to be easy. I have only just embarked on the journey myself and am already overwhelmed. However, with the right preparation, coping mechanisms in place, and a tremendous amount of self-discipline, we will get through. ☕

Getting started

You need to practice writing. That’s as simple as advice gets. 

You need to practice reading other PhD/EngD theses, mainly to understand what to expect, and to experience what being the audience for a thesis is like. 

Create a thesis plan... 

To start the mammoth task that is thesis writing, it needs to be fully understood and broken down into manageable chunks.

Make a plan (perhaps based on the table of contents of another thesis) of all the sections and chapters in the thesis.

Then break these into sections and keep breaking it down until you are almost at the paragraph level.

Now you can start writing!

Where to start the actual writing?

Start with the most comfortable chapter, such as a previously published paper, a set of results that are straightforward and can be easily explained, methodology/methods, etc. 

Create a storyboard for your thesis and write as if you are telling that story.

If you’re not sure what comes next, refer to previous theses and back to your plan and storyboard. 

Be ready to amend the plan for future chapters as each is completed and you become more aware of what the thesis must contain.

Remember: THINKING IS HARD, WRITING IS EASIER. 💭

Organisation

Develop and maintain a logical filing system.

Improve your back up technique; if it’s not saved in 3+ locations, it is not safely backed up.

Back up every day.

Never overwrite previous documents, just make many versions. It’s not worth the risk of losing a valuable piece of work from a copy and paste error.

Copy any key parts from your lab/note/field books as these can get lost/damaged.

Keep a file/folder of thoughts, references, etc. that you are not including in your thesis; these may be useful to refer back to for ideas and information.

Effective writing

Establish a routine, don’t be distracted, take breaks.

Set clear and realistic goals for each week/day. 

A GANTT chart is very good for this; use it to keep on track and measure progress.

You just gotta start. The hardest part is the beginning.

Don’t stall on details, walk away for a short break to clear your mind.

Get formatting correct from the start (check your code of practice/regulations).

Be consistent with references.

Seek help from the experts - supervisors, postdocs, online sources/training programmes etc.

Create SMART objectives for your writing process:

Specific - e.g. “I will complete chapter 3/collate all diagrams” rather than “I will make good progress”.

Measurable - e.g. “I will write 4 pages today” not “I will try to write as much as I can”.

Achievable - e.g. “I will complete the first draft for my supervisor” not “I will get it perfect before he/she sees it”.

Realistic - e.g. “I will complete the introduction today” not “I will complete a chapter a week”.

Time - it can be useful to set yourself deadlines e.g. tell your supervisor you will hand in a draft on a certain day - that way you are sure to have it done.

Finally, find a balance between being tough with yourself whilst protecting your well-being the best you can. I wrote a post a little while ago that covers managing your mental health during a PhD. Read it here. 

GIF: Anna Kendrick dishing out some top advice. Source: Tumblr.

A few more tips

Supervisor management

Establish what you want to cover in each meeting.

Keep a record of the outcomes and actions from those meetings.

Make your supervisors lives easy; they’re very busy humans.

They are unlikely to judge work unless it is presented completely (i.e. fully written with tables, figures, etc.).

Give them a neat, complete version of a chapter at a time (proof-read thoroughly and spell-checked).

It is in your supervisors interest for you to complete in good time; they are experts and will offer a lot of support.

To summarise, a good thesis:

Has an appreciation of what came before.

Focuses on the interesting and important.

Is well reasoned.

Will change the way people think.

Will teach your supervisors something. 

Has publishable results.

Is logical in presentation, analysis, and arguments.

Is well illustrated with tables, figures, graphs, summary flow charts etc.

It is worth spending a lot of time on these. 

Is written without grammatical and spelling errors.

Has an appreciation of what comes next.

I hope that the above was helpful! There are many resources out there, so get exploring if you need more advice!

I’ll soon be writing a post on how to survive your viva! So, watch this space. ✨

Photo: Make this your phone/desktop/laptop/everything background when you’re writing, I know I will! Source: Tumblr.

[ryansaiditposts]

The Lore of Folklore:

The Real Story Behind the Characters of Taylor Swift’s Folklore

 

 

We are all familiar with Taylor Swift’s record breaking, surprise quarantine love child, Folklore. Even more so in the Swiftie fanbase, we are familiar with the proverbial “love triangle” established in “Cardigan”, “August”, and “Betty”. What if I told you that I believe the entire album is centered around just these characters at different stages in life with Taylor’s story woven in? Also, what if I said that Taylor/Rebecca were an allegory? Not to mention the complexity of “Hoax” being a combination of all the characters in one? Of course, you would probably ask me for clarification, and that is the intention of the next few paragraphs. These characters reveal certain patterns of behavior, call and responses, and self-referential phrases that map out a much bigger story to tell. The trio of songs mentioned above were just the starting point.

 

To give you an overview of where we will be going, I want to give you the songs as they relate to each character. These will then be fleshed out to connect them in the way I hear and see Folklore play out. The songs and respective characters are as follows:

 

Betty- Cardigan, Mirrorball, and Exile (featuring James)

James- Betty, This Is Me Trying, and Exile (featuring Betty)

Augustine- August, The 1, and Illicit Affairs

Taylor- Seven, Invisible String, Mad Woman, Epiphany

Taylor/Rebecca- The Last Great American Dynasty, My Tears Ricochet, Peace

All Characters- Hoax

 

The genius of this album is that the struggles and identifiers of these characters can sometimes be interchangeable. That is what creates the magic, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. There is more than one perspective to these stories, but this is all what I heard from Inez.

 

The 1 (Augustine)-

I have been sitting with this song for a while. I began to wonder why, for lyrics that for all intents and purposes were sad, did I not get sad listening to this song. Sure, it’s about loss and what could have been, but it’s mere conjecture. Almost like a love that never really existed outside of the storyteller’s imagination. A film that was never made, if you will. Then it hit me, “you weren’t mine to lose”. Augustine simply imagined what it would have been like if the man she did not end up with could have been the one. Betty and James DID have a relationship and the theme of this “film” is repeated in the stories told throughout this album. She would have not gotten the chance to have the movie kind of romance if he had not chosen to be with her. Rose flowing with his chosen family.

 If one thing had been different, could everything be different today? Had he not already been in love with another woman, could we have been the greatest love story ever told? Something also struck me as odd. She called out him meeting some woman on the internet and taking her home. Knowing he has a tendency to stray, there could be a superficial level of jealousy. Imagining that he’s cheating on Betty, but disappointed that it isn’t with her. Not because she’s necessarily a bad person, but I think that as we will see later on in this breakdown, Augustine struggles with conventional relationship types and ties herself to sinking ships for the tragedy of it all.

 

Cardigan (Betty)-

So, not to rehash lore we are already incredibly familiar with, but this song is clearly Betty knowing that James is going to run back to her after straying the path. Cool, amazing, fierce. However, there is language here that suggests this is not the same instance as him showing up to the party. I believe that James has a very toxic pattern resulting from his wondering eye and Betty just has a bad case of loving him. At least, for a while. Betty likes the fact that she is able to show James who he really is when all is said and done, and being someone who has struggled with confidence, she doesn’t want to let this love go too soon. Even if she should. More on that in a bit.

 

Betty says, “Chase two girls, lose The 1”. We all assumed that she was referring to herself, but knowing that she was almost waiting for his return, it’s very possible that she intended to forgive him even before he asked. She had scars from years of not being enough and she may have even been bullied as indicated by this and him seeing in her what others could not when he was present in the relationship. That feeling of “what if” made sure she would not completely walk away. When you are young they assume you know nothing. Well, knowing something does not mean you know everything and I think she stayed long enough to find that out the hard way. Peter does lose Wendy because he cannot grow up.

 

The Last Great American Dynasty (Taylor/Rebecca)-

 

Taylor owns the previous home of Rebecca Harkness in Rhode Island. This beachside mansion has all the salt air and cliffsides to scream off of that anyone would want. Rebecca has a big reputation as a maneater who just isn’t ladylike and mild mannered enough. Sound familiar? Taylor Swift has been demonized, ridiculed, and made infamous based solely off of complete speculation. Rebecca faced the same fate as a middle-class divorcee who was cast as a gold digger after the Standard Oil estate. Truth is, both of these women were just in search of love that could last. Under circumstances far beyond their control these things ended so loudly that there was no right to privacy while they grieved or attempted to make sense of it all. Worse? They were blamed in a blameless situation.

 

Taylor makes her identity known to mirror Rebecca’s at the end of the story. So, what’s the connection to the album as a whole? Bill grew up in the area that the rest of them would eventually be in later on. Cliffside and salt air, the characters revisit these scenes and similar ones several times throughout the story. They lived at a different time here, years later. In fact, in terms of the house itself, it sat quietly for 50 years until Taylor would acquire it. She then marks her entrance to the rest of these stories as she then will later touch on points of her life leading up to Holiday House.

 

Exile (Betty and James)-

 

Communication is key. However, Betty and James eventually resented the back-and-forth nature of their relationship. He believed that she would always forgive him as she had always set that precedent each time before in their relationship. Although they always knew they walked a very thin line, they always felt like the other person would become better to them if they loved hard enough. Each had their demons, though. Between James cheating nature and drinking problem, he could become withdrawn and combative. Betty loved James so much that she gave him second, third and hundredth chances and even excused his more aggressive behaviors in a Streetcar Named Desire type loyalty. Until the branch broke that they were balancing on.

 

For someone like James, being left as a result of bad behavior can often be skewed as a betrayal in and of itself. Her leaving could have only been a result of her not telling him how to be a better partner. On the flip side, Betty was not clear in her signals of being fed up with his actions, but allowing him back time and again. The blame game ensues and each call out each other’s faults too little, too late. They have, in fact, seen this “film” before. They kept the hope that the cinematic love they were both obsessed with would eventually play out if they wanted it enough, but did not put in the work or self-reflect enough to make it so.

 

My Tears Ricochet (Taylor/Rebecca)-

 

Of course, it’s about a certain sellout record executive of her previous label who did not even have the decency to let her own her masters. I will not be bringing his name into it because he does not deserve to even be thought about. However, I think Taylor does an expert job of exploring the anger stage of grief and death that Rebecca and Bill would have had to face in his untimely death as well. The allegory dips in and out of this song to further establish the mirror effect of these two women and their fears/perception. Taylor calls out her own inability to leave with grace. Rebecca was left to burn at the stake after Bill died with no one to defend her either. While it is not his choice to have died, grieving does bring about emotions of abandonment when still panning out. Much like Taylor felt when the label she trusted acted like they had never met and that she had not given them her all to gift them any kind of notoriety.

 

Gathering stones is beachside activity, but when, so is collecting jewelry. This in a metaphorical sense could allude to also gathering dirt and receipts when it all falls down. This line has quite an impact in the context of a business transaction and the marriage of a rich couple. Toward the end, each woman speaks as though they have gone to the cliffside and screamed into the open air. Rebecca challenges the masses to go for her heart in same way the public felt she had gone for Bill’s, but knows that she would be missed all the same. Each woman is directly calling out their naysayers and bullies telling them they know they’re drunk on pain and negating the good they had done before tragedy. These fake people have both built them up and torn them down in times it benefitted them the most.

 

Mirrorball (Betty)-

 

As I previously mentioned, Betty struggles with self-confidence (relatable content). This song takes a deeper dive into Betty’s desire to be noticed by James in the way she needs him to and to show him that she knows him better than anyone else does. When he does not pay attention, she breaks into a million pieces. Although her friends consistently tell her that the end is imminent, she has committed herself to changing the narrative. She’s walking the tightrope, another call out to the thin line they feel they have always walked in regards to one another.

The insecurity is palpable in the self-deprecating “I’ve never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try”.  Remembering from their teenage years, Augustine, a natural beauty, is able to draw men in with a sense of sensuality and a carefree demeanor. She doesn’t have to get too invested in relationships because she only chooses men that are in high risk, low reward circumstances. On the outside, it seems like she has all the confidence in the world and that is intimidating to someone like Betty who does not exude the same assuredness and has been burned by trusting unnecessarily before. In spite of this, Betty is still a believer in true love even if James has given her no indication there is reason to believe.

 

Seven (Taylor)-

 

Little Tay on her Pennsylvania farm just discovering her own voice and the meaning of friendship. Making her own tales of time gone by and recounting the origin story of a girl who makes “too much” noise any time she wants. Also, quite possibly the REAL queer-canon of the album. Taylor was close to someone who she has not seen for a while, a girl. She remembers the feeling more than anything and a certain protectiveness that she felt for this person who was having to hide in the closet. Labels did not matter and love was love in this scenario. She wants them to know their story and the care she felt for them is not forgotten and still a source of inspiration for her life in present day. Think “hope ur ok” by Olivia Rodrigo.

 

This song explores Taylor’s fierce feminism and activism into adulthood. The unwavering support she gives to the underdogs and why Rebecca’s story resonates with her so much. She was the wild child the world tried to tame with constant expectation. The subject of Seven that she befriended reminded her that there are beautiful things out there and grounded her in a way to keep looking for meaningful connections and to respect the stories of each person she meets to gain perspective.

 

August (Augustine)-

 

Somewhere on the beaches just outside this small Rhode Island town, Augustine was manifesting a relationship that she knew had a slim to none chance with James. Despite her hopes and efforts, August came and went. James dreamed of Betty with Augustine in his arms, but wanted is cake and to eat it too as a seventeen-year-old boy. The thrill of it all enticed him to give his summer to Augustine instead. Particularly because she was willing to pursue him in the way she did. However, much like the surface level pining found in The 1, she just wished she could write her name on his back in a performative ownership move as if to say finders keepers.

This superficial relationship was hallmarked in sex and lust by being spent tipsy and wrapped and in bedsheets. It wasn’t shameful or tawdry to two kids, but would show it’s truth one single time before becoming a feeling both would continue to chase. The shaky and electrifying experience of sharing firsts and secrets though “Never Have I Ever” and the charged nature of “Are you sure?” feeling like a pact. Until guilt set in for James, there was only excitement and both were forever changed. One by the hope of it all, and the other by the excitement.

 

This Is Me Trying (James)-

 

Years after the first thrill and eventual heartbreak, James has never found direction. He fell behind the classmates that moved on with their lives and ended up here. Still in their same hometown, he is a shell of a man grappling with depression and alcoholism. He’s in Betty’s doorway once again in her front porch light begging for forgiveness. He even matched Betty’s previous speech pattern in “Mirrorball” by saying “I just wanted you to know…” as if to respond to her finally because he sees her after it’s all been said and done. He pulled the rusted, vintage car that once made him so cool off the road to the same cliffside that they once made out in front of. This represents the edge that they all seem to stand at one point or another to contemplate their mistakes. He calls out his own substance abuse and aggression (which we talked about in Exile as well).

 

He wants to continue his same party lifestyle, but feels like an open wound because his bad behavior has finally caught up to him. All he thinks about are his own shortcomings, especially now that he is left alone with them. Betty once again gets compared to a film in a reel on the one screen they have in this small town. Now, only a memory instead of a reality. The defensiveness from being what he perceived as betrayal has subsided and he is left to face the cages he mentally put himself into and the fear that he was not as good of a man as he tried to project to others around him. Betty being the product of his transgressions since she is left broken and resentful toward him now.

 

Illicit Affairs (Augustine)-

 

Augustine finally pulls back the layers on why she continues to try to recapture the feeling that James gave her at a mere sixteen years old. Someone displaying all the confidence in the world may have had less than Betty in actuality. It was all a misconception. Instead, Augustine feels that her looks and sex are what she has to offer and by giving herself away, she hopes to capture lightning in a bottle one of these times. She recreates the same structure of what she had with James only to meet the same disappointment.

 

The beautiful setting of the beach house gives way to the parking lot behind the mall in a way. In some twisted way, James brokenness recognized Augustine’s and she had never been seen in real way before that and then not again after. James thought Betty’s level headedness would fix him and did not want to have to face himself via Augustine since they understood each other in the worst way. Like I said, that first taste left her living for the hope of it all and it was simply a dwindling mercurial high. A drug, though, that could work a hundred times over.

 

Invisible String (Taylor)-

 

Taylor’s stories are often on this album the only ones with direct references to actual places. This one references Centennial Park and Los Angeles. This is the story of Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn (William Bowery to some). This in and of itself is a modern day, currently in the making folktale. The idea of an invisible force bringing the two together to tell a great love story just like Taylor had always imagined. Here she self-references her own part in contributing to the media circus surrounding breakups and dating and owning her growth in those situations.

 

Allowing herself to live in the moment, she talks about the colors and touches of humanity this relationship has brought her. A deeper appreciation of the present and making memories that will one day make beautiful stories to tell for both themselves and for others that once tried to taint her narratives on hearsay. This is her story in her words and an expression of gratitude. Hell was the journey, but it brought her heaven.

 

Mad Woman (Taylor)-

 

This one is about the other one and his soon to be ex-wife. The one the masters were sold to. Shares a name with a two wheeled ankle destroyer and will also not be mentioned by me.  This is a slight reference to her Rebecca allegory in the sense that character assassination played a big part in that story, but not enough to say it’s a direct correlation. Although, it is interesting to note that they are hunting all of the witches even if you aren’t one.

 

Taylor gets raw about the cheating nature of the man in question whether it is in business or in relationships and how he should be called out for it. There’s a hardship in feminism, though. She watches as a woman who knows she is in the wrong defend the thief instead of the robbed. It explores the right to be mad when lied to or stolen from, particularly when you’re willing to go on record with false statements if they serve a certain narrative. Undeniably, this moment will go down in infamy for generations to come. In a word, folklore.

 

Epiphany (Taylor)-

 

Paying homage to her grandfather, Taylor sets a scene as a war rages on. Keeping your helmet to keep your life is a good direct correlation to mask mandates that swept the country as COVID-19 developed. The horrors of watching someone die for things that may have arguably been avoided sets the anguish apart in this song to any other she has done. This is the world in a life and death lens and nothing else. Trying to make sense of what she and the rest of us are seeing when it did not have to be this way.

 

The most hard hitting look at medical staff and the precarious position they stood in for both instances is found in the bridge. They watch to make sure someone is breathing. They stand in the face of danger and are contained to one place while a threat is posed but serve unselfishly and risk falling like the people around them in the hopes of reaching a breaking point or a point of clarity in the chaos. On a metaphorical level, this song establishes a very important piece of perspective for us to hold onto long after this virus is contained lest we forget.

 

Betty (James)-

 

The first injustice and a look into the dramatics of young love. We now at least get to know why James loves Betty so much and humanize him a little more for the things he’s been dealing with internally since a young age. He comes off a lot more charming here even if unsure. Possibly a reason why he leans on liquid courage later on, James is actually a bit shy in group interactions. This also causes him to avoid confrontation if it can be helped or talking about his feelings. He also has a tendency to fear loneliness as a result so he’s easily convinced to go along for the ride even if it isn’t the right decision.

 

However, here, he nervously plans for weeks to gather up the courage to ask for a second chance. From what we can gather, he was likely forgiven in this instance which made him more comfortable than before to do so again and again. The cycle started here with this grand gesture, but post-cheating, the damage was likely already done since he had gotten a taste of the thrill. Betty would serve as a constant, but she would not stand alone.

 

Peace (Taylor/Rebecca)-

 

Taylor knows she will likely always be speculated on, but she loves intensely even if no one else believes. Here, you can see her sympathy and understanding of someone like Rebecca who no one ever even considered that she may actually love her late husband. All she can ever hope for is that the person she dedicates herself to can recognize how invested she really is and can handle the storm that comes with that. She talks with her own pack of friends being wild and rowdy much like Rebecca, but hopes he never sees that as a sign of disrespect. It’s just who she is.

 

Everyone DID think the love was for show, but they knew nothing of what happened behind closed doors. Does a woman pace rocks staring out at the midnight sea who isn’t missing someone? I don’t think so. Painting dreamscapes on the wall referring to the home they share together. The very same place that tied Rebecca and Taylor’s stories together in the first place. I think Taylor learned to embrace the madness before the rest of Rebecca’s story became hers and stopped apologizing for being so loud but remembered to continue to let love in.

 

Hoax (Everyone)-

 

Every time I listen to this song, I hear a different character speaking to me. Then I realized each one was just taking turns. This one is a bit different so I’m going to break it down by character:

 

Betty- He had drawn stars around her scars, but the way he made her feel was just as bad as the pain they caused. She believed him each time he said never again. She let him back in time and again to be hurt in the same way, but nobody else would have done for her if he could just be the things he promised to be. She was bound to him even though he never came through.

 

James- He knows exactly what he’s done and that he cannot fix it now. He knows that she possesses a love for him that will never die, but that is unrealistic after a certain point. He resigns himself to having to miss her forever. The hero has effectively died, so the movie has lost a purpose in plot. He tried, but did not succeed.

 

Augustine- She had a plan for them. No matter the means in which to get it, she wanted him to love her the way he did Betty. She used slight of hand and a little convincing to lead him to her. It left her aching for more when she knew that would never come back. August slipped away and there was no winning. Winter came and the ground was frozen.

 

Rebecca- She stood out there screaming for a reason why she had to be left alone in the life that was supposed to be theirs. I don’t think she ever quite got past that feeling of abandonment and just needed anything to believe in. This beautiful mansion had become a kingdom come undone. Bill’s heart had given out like a broken drum.

 

Taylor- When you sign a record deal at such a young age and a man who has always taken care of you in that time suddenly becomes your biggest enemy, it can certainly feel like a total heartbreak. The hoax was making her believe that even if all was said and done he would at least have her back. He most certainly did not. She screams at the sun (now eclipsed) on the cliffside while he listens to her stolen lullabies. The part of herself that remains in New York being her life’s work.

 

Please let me know if you have anything to add! Any new perspectives I may have missed? I would love to further this conversation and find new ways to explore the Folklorian Wilderness!

 

-Ryan Freeman

[neocatharsis]

The Brilliant Members of World Renowned NCT 127 Share Their Thoughts Fashion, Music, Lifestyle, Favorite Things… What Their Individual Styles Are #004 DOYOUNG

Some Excerpts, Full Interview https://mensnonno.jp/post/41109/

What Is The ‘Relaxation’ That You Embrace, DOYOUNG-san?

MN: First, let’s have everybody look at this. It is a photograph you sent to us on our request for an image in which you are relaxing in a room, DOYOUNG-san.

D :  Yes, I’m often wrapped in a quilt like this at our lodging quarters.

MN:  From your responses to the pre-interview questions, our impression of you, if you don’t our saying, is that you are a person who embraces self-care and grabbing onto a pace that is most comfortable for you.

D : Wowー

MN: The reason being, you mentioned that you enjoy lying down, which left an impression. To the question, “What do you enjoy doing the most?”, you responded, “When I’m lying down.” To the question, “What is the one thing that makes you proud?”, you answered, “To lie down.” And that we found rather interesting… This type of conversation never came up with the others and it’s unique. Can you tell us how important it is for you to rest, DOYOUNG-san?

D : More often than none, my daily schedule is set up in advance. Once I do this, then I have  to do that, and when that’s done, there is always something else to do. That’s what my daily life looks like. So, to take the time to rest, means to step a little back from such plans to give myself a moment of relief. Whether that’s to actually lie down or just to relax a bit in my room, I believe that taking a moment for rest is a very important part of life. Of course, we live within our full schedule, but being able to take a break also means that you have time to reflect on yourself. Not doing anything in particular, eating freely when you want to, sleeping when you want to… I find it is lovely and quite vital to be able to live with a little fluidity in this way.

MN:  Is it easy for you, DOYOUNG-san, to switch on and off?

D :  I think so.

MN: Nowadays,there are so many people out there who overdo it and end up losing their pace. As such, they forget to take the time to breathe.

D :  I don’t know if I can give those people any good advice or not, but I do often find myself thinking about work even when I don’t need to be thinking about it. That’s probably why I think that it is better to find ways to minimize the time I’m overly immersed. The more I think about wanting to do things well or getting things right, it just makes it more difficult to switch on and off, and I wind up getting immersed in it all over again. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if we could consciously control when we do things and when we don’t? Even though it’s so difficult…

MN: Then, in contrary, when you go out and are switched “on” and in contact with people, do you have an ideal as far as how you want to spend that time?

D : Let’s see. When I’m spending time as an ‘idol’, an entertainer, I think it’s easy to forget to be considerate or to care about others, and yet, I want to be a person who can care about others right in front of me and around me as much as possible. So, I try my best to give back as much as I can to all the people around me who are there to help me. This may sound a bit no-nonsense, but I actually like to do things like that, and honestly, I also think it’s easier than to have others be concerned about you. Besides, by doing so, the atmosphere becomes serene and the air has a relaxed flow to it, so I believe to be considerate of others is something that is necessary for your own self. “On” or “off”, serenity is important.

As A Vocalist, What Is It That You Pour Your Heart And Soul Into?

MN: We’d like to ask you about the artist DOYOUNG. To the question, “Please list three things that make up who you are”, you listed, “Song, the fans’ hearts, those who constantly support me”, and you brought up ‘song’ first.

D : Yes, I did. Singing is very important to me.

MN: Could you tell us the NCT 127 song that you would like us to especially focus on for your voice, DOYOUNG-san?

D : I would be pleased if you would listen to the song “Make Your Day”. As you know, most of our songs are based on hip-hop. The lead track for our album is so, and the songs we perform on television shows are also so. As such, for those who don’t know much about our group, there may not be many opportunities for them to hear my voice in a ballad. Even though ballads are hard to sing, they are definitely worth doing, and I also think NCT 127 has beautiful ballads. We go through so much trial and error during recording sessions, challenging ourselves to a lot of things, like using different types of voices and different singing styles. We learn so much every single time. That’s why I would really like to emphasize this song for the readers, not so much for my voice alone, but rather the minute details throughout the song, like care that went into the chorus section and the feel-good atmosphere throughout the song we put effort into creating. Different from a laid-back song with a laid-back feel when singing each bar, I would love for everyone to experience the attention to sincerity and sensitivity that comes through the entire score.”

MN:  Your buildup of discipline as a vocalist shows through. It appears you have also uploaded a bunch of cover songs.

D : Thank you very much. If I were to select one of those songs, it would be “Mine” by Bazzi. It was the first cover song I shared with everybody. The reason why I chose this song is because even if I were to be asked to redo it, I honestly don’t think I can. Back then, I worked hard to train for it, because it was the first time ever for me to challenge myself to do a cover song. There were so many things I didn’t know about, including how to complete the visuals, and yet I feel like that awkwardness really makes it what it is. For that aspect, this song is unforgettable to me.

MN: How wonderful that you impress on what’s good at that time, even though you may have been less experienced than you are now. What points make you want to choose to sing a cover song, DOYOUNG-san?

D : I personally want to try all kinds of songs. You might say that cover songs are a content that allows me to personally and freely challenge myself. That is why I have the desire to try out all kinds of songs, and at the same time, show a different side of myself in comparison to the artist I am when doing our original songs. I also feel like I have to tailor how I sing when doing a cover song. So, I choose the songs while thinking, “How do I want to challenge myself to sing in a way that I can show the best of myself as an individual?

MN:  In addition to Bazzi, you have done cover songs regardless of whether they are by male or female artists, and you’ve given them all an originality. Perhaps everyone is waiting for a Japanese song…?

D :  Thank you very much. Actually… I was just thinking about that!

MN:  Now that’s something to look forward to. 

Please Tell Us What Is Important To You In Connection With Your Fans!

MN: With regard to your source of inspiration for creative work, you answered, “All the fans”. For the question earlier on what makes up who you are, you also brought up “the hearts of all the fans”. It seems like you have very strong feelings about their existence.

D : With the situation as it is now, we are not able to directly meet with our fans. Of course, the best way to feel their strong connection is to meet with them directly, see them, and listen to their voices as they cheer us on. However, even though we are not able to see the fans right now, they have continued to send us a lot of messages online, visuals of their support, sharing their thoughts with us in so many different ways. It is truly touching, and should I say, inspirational… or even uplifting. It helps us to keep going on. And their messages in support consist of truly beautiful words. You can tell that they have taken the time to carefully put together these words that give us so much strength. It is a beautiful method of doing so that we have learned from them.

MN: Now then, DOYOUNG-san, when you send out a message to your fans via SNS, what do you find is most important?

D : The fans send us messages full of beautiful words. Therefore, I always want to send back messages in the same way. So, even though it may be a subtle word here and there, I always want to make the words more beautiful as I share them with the fans.

MN: So, when you said earlier about your policy, “So, I try my best to give back as much as I can to all the people around me who are there to help me”, it’s all connected.

D :  Yes, it is. I want to give back as much of my genuine heart as they have shown to me.

MN: So, the next time we get to enjoy your concert offline, you will be able to share your feelings directly with the fans. What kind of staging are you hoping to share?

D :  For now, a simple one. I mean, what we really want is to see our fans face-to-face. So, when we are able to do a concert for the first time in a long time, it would be fantastic if we could create something together. Of course, NCT 127 will perform the actual concert, but, for example, creating an element of the staging with the fans… Mmm… maybe even collaborating on something.”

MN: So, you mean something like incorporating a corner for fans to participate in?

D : Yes, exactly! How fun it would be to do a concert like that.

What Is The Balance Between Challenging Yourself And Protecting Your Own Pace?

MN: You wrote the words, “I hope you are able to feel a sense of accomplishment” with regard to “a memorable piece of advice you received from somebody.” This is probably not something you are able to feel very often. What do you find is necessary in order to reach that state?

D : There is something that I find more valuable than the passion to keep pressing on or to continue to challenge myself. What I myself lack, what parts of myself are imperfect, and what I really need to work on… these are things I am already aware of. For example, “100 percent” is a basic numerical value that is placed on exhibiting what a perfect state is. I feel that to be a professional means that I must place my efforts on achieving that 100 percent if that number is lacking within myself. It’s only natural and cannot be taken for granted. It may be warranted, but because I am aware of how I lack in experience and where I fall short, I don’t just passionately push forward or frantically try to achieve something. My desire is to be someone who can fill in the gaps with a level head and protect the fundamental parts. In order to do so, I feel the right thing to do is to steadily accomplish what one needs to do.

MN: You have your own balance between the passionate and the sensible stance. Regarding your motto, you wrote, “To be yourself as you live your life.” This also seems to connect to the stance in which you value how important it is to find your own pace. What do you say to that?

D : Yes, I agree. I feel that someone who really knows who they are, or is able to fully understand oneself is what is called an adult, and that is also what I meant by writing, “I want to be myself as I live my life.” This also means to know what you are really good at and working hard as you bring that to the table. You can’t simply force yourself to do what you can’t do. I believe these words also exhibit the determination to live as your own self.

MN:  I see. That makes a lot of sense. Further expanding on being yourself, your response of “My room which is neatly organized,” in response to the landscape that symbolizes who you are… this has also left quite an impression. You also provided a separate photograph from the one in the beginning. You were the only person who mentioned your own room in response to this question, DOYOUNG-san. You appear to have a consistent emphasis on how to be comfortable.

D :  To be tidy and live in comfort… how do I explain this… it’s a tiny little wish of mine and I am willing to put the effort in order to achieve it.

MN:  In response to the question, “What types of places or atmosphere do you like?” you wrote, “A place where I can relax with a suitable temperature.” When we first read that response, we felt that mentioning the temperature really shows how you are particular about space. Having listened to you now, it all makes sense.

D : I’m sure it can get messy in the day-to-day, but I like to keep my room as organized as possible for my own self.

How Do You See Your Group Objectively?

MN: You responded, “to be as one and tread forward” to what is vital for NCT 127. Additionally, to “Please tell us what you find wonderful about the group,” you wrote, “The way in which we help each other as we work hard to achieve our goals.” It can’t be very easy to protect your own pace and maintain teamwork at the same time, which are very important to you …

D : With regard to the key in maintaining teamwork, more than anything, I think it is important to have the same dream. By having the same goal in the end, even if we have small arguments or fights in between because our methods are slightly different, I think we are able to put our efforts together in the long run in order to achieve that dream. Having one dream together as team members, this is very important.”

MN: Are there any memorable words/phrases or occurrences from spending time with your members?

D : I feel there is so much to learn from each and every member, respectively. I’m certain there are actual words from each member that have been wonderful, but more importantly, I think the way we subconsciously breathe as one while watching one another on a daily basis… this is bigger than any words I could bring up. This of course applies to dancing and singing, our areas of specialty as artists, but I also feel there are wonderful aspects of life that each and every one of us has, respectively. I mean, we all have different personalities. So, it’s like, this member may be better at this and that member may be better at that. All of this inclusive, from the way we all live, I believe that we all learn from each other daily, like at times like this, we should think this way or do things in this way.”

MN: For what has had the most impact on you other than the members of NCT 127, you also mentioned, “SM (SM ENTERTAINMENT＝NCT 127’s talent agency)”. In what way has it had an impact on you?

D :  I love music and have listened to SM’s music since I was a child. So, I can honestly say that it has been SM’s music that has had an impact on me in that it gave me the interest and guided me towards the path to entertainment, as well as helped to create the person that I am today. If we are talking about what made me interested in show business and entertainment itself, then yes, Korean music and culture has helped me to grow as an artist who sings songs. There are so many artists that I look up to from Korea. The way they live, the words they share, even a photo alone, I feel that the many things I can learn from are scattered throughout these aspects as I connect to the music as a vocalist right now.”

What Is Your ‘Authentic Self”, DOYOUNG-san?

MN:  Finally, we have asked this of all the members, but what would you say, DOYOUNG-san’s “My Own Style” is?

D :  That would have to be “My way”. When you hear the words “my way”, I think you get the image that you’re doing everything it is you want or living your life as you want. My current style is exactly that, “my way”. The reason being, as time has passed since our debut, there was a period in time when I thought, “why am I the way I am” in comparison to others. Like I was looking at myself through the basis of others. But after that period of time, and now, I’ve come to be able to think, “Oh, I’ll just do what I want.” I’ll do what I do best and what I’m good at… that it’s okay to show what I am able to show and that’s it. That I’ll live my “authentic-self”… I’ve been able to arrive at that point in the way I think and so, now, my way is my own style.”

MN: My way is my own style! What a great way to end. Thank you very much. Time’s up for the interview, so if we could close with a word from you to our readers.

D :  I would like to express my deepest gratitude to MEN’S NON-NO for introducing us to the fans and for giving us the opportunity to speak to our fans in depth.

MN: Oh, no, that’s way too kind of you; we too thank you…

D : “NCT 127 is so grateful to have this opportunity, especially since we are all under circumstances that prevent us from being able to go to Japan and see our fans in person, even though we really want to. Although we cannot see each other now, we are trying to find all the ways to make it possible to communicate with you. So, we hope that you will continue to expect more from us in the future, and I would like to end by saying that the more you expect from us, the more we will expect from ourselves, so that we use our efforts to be able to respond to all of you in the best way possible.

MN: We pray that NCT 127 and the fans can reunite soon. Thank you for sharing so much with us today.

D : (in Japanese) “Thank you very much and thank you for your hard work!”

What dream would you like to achieve in your life other than music?

I want to live in happiness with the good people around me.

[gayllamafromspace]

Embrace Your Chaos

(Tissaia De Vries/Reader)

Chapter 8: Lessons In The Library

The newfound friendship with Rita had been an unexpected, but not unwelcome, development. Oftentimes we'd find ourselves lazing about in each other's rooms, wandering the halls, or goofing around in class. Rita, as I've learned, has no restraint and the impulsiveness of a puppy. I'm more than willing to tag a long on her whims, within reason. Our first night together was eventful, and the rest of the days we spend together aren't any less so. Our friendship is no secret from the other girls, and at this point the rectoress is well aware of it too. Our pranks aren't subtle, as Tissaia and her clique know on an intimate level.

These pranks consist of terrorizing the other 6 girls while Margarita and I laugh our asses off. Roan, who was our first victim, had ended up with the frog in the bodice of one of her dresses. Her scream made it all the way down the hall and to Rita's room that morning. Sonata got her hair chopped off, why? Because she was especially mean to Veblen one day, and I simply wasn't having it. Rita had agreed with that sentiment. The main person we torture though is Tissaia, she is painfully easy to piss off and annoy. Rita, who is somehow still kind of accepted by the girls, does most of the dirty work.

She will subtly wrinkle up Tissaia's sleeves and initiate pointless physical contact, which Tissaia hates with a passion. Eveytime Rita lets her have some air, Tissaia fixes the imperfections on her dress and tries to create distance between herself and Rita. That is entirely pointless, because Rita is always right back at it again. Tissaia's eye would twitch every now and then, clearly in her effort not to explode. Eventually she realized what Rita was doing, so now Rita can't sit by her anymore.

Our new scheme is to disrupt her perfectly organized desk. Being Tissaia, she has an obsession with keeping herself and her space tidy and organized, which is why this is perfect. It's not malevolent… Well, maybe not to me and Rita, but it's enough to tick her off. So that brings us to where we are, sitting through a lecture from Rectoress Phobe Del-Lana, and moving Tissaia's quill slightly to the left every time she straightens it on her desk. It takes about 4 times before Tissaia realizes that it is, in fact, not her OCD making her think it's not straight. It's when she looks back at Rita in an accusatory fashion that things get mildly more interesting.

"Miss De Vries, it's not often that you choose not to pay attention. Why now?" The Rectoress says, eyebrows raised. Tissaia is quick to turn back to the front of the class, a slight blush on her cheeks. 'Ooh she's embarrassed~' I think to myself, smiling slightly. This is a mistake, because Rectoress Del-Lana is quick to turn her attention to me.

"And you Miss (Y/N). This behavior is to be expected from someone like you, but is it truly necessary to sully Tissaia's reputation along with your own?" I can hear some of the girls snickering behind us. Of course they'll laugh at me and not miss perfect. I glance over at Tissaia, to find her glaring at me. I should be used to this, she's not shy about her disdain for me, but she ordinarily shows it by ignoring my existence. It's painful really. To think that after everything that had happened months prior, she still hates me. We learned a lot then, and I thought we could've been friends after she healed. I was hoping so at least. It was foolish to think that. I'm the reason she was injured, I'm the reason she's had to work so hard to gain the Rectoresses favor, and I'm about to ruin it for her again.

"My apologies Rectoress, I was bothering her for my own entertainment, she's not at fault." I say, my head bowed. If I'm going to salvage any friendship we could have had, this is the best way I can do it. The Rectoress, who I'm sure already knew this, nods and returns to the large water basin on her desk. We had been learning about water bending before I caused this pointless distraction.

"Well, since you're so adept in chaos that you'd waste your energy pestering a fellow student, I believe you should be the one to give us a demonstration of water bending." This was not a request, nothing the Rectoress ever says is. So I get up from my desk and go over to the bowl. The bowl is made of a dark brown mahogany, and it's filled halfway with water. From where I'm standing I can see the slightest gleam of amusement on Tissaia's face. Rita, who had been silently watching the whole interaction, gives me a thumbs up and a small smile.

Looking down at the water and taking a deep breath in, I focus on the clear liquid sitting still in the basin. I let it out softly through my mouth and clear my mind. Focusing my intent on the water, I envision small ripples and waves on its surface. I say the elder word - softly and with reverence, letting myself relax and allowing chaos to flow through me. I can feel a rush of smooth energy within me, making my skin tingle pleasantly. The water moves, a lulling pattern of soft ripples spreading and colliding with the walls of the water basin. With the energy I feel in myself, I direct my chaos to the water, letting myself feel as one with it.

With conviction I enunciate the word again, projecting it so that everyone in the room can hear it. Willing the water in the bowl to form a ball, I manipulate the chaos surrounding it and lift the liquid from the bowl. A few droplets fall from the sphere, but I pay them no mind. I glance out to the rest of the girls, and find that they are all in shock. I can't blame them, I'm normally the one who slacks off a good bit of the time, but it's almost insulting that they think I don't do the work at all. I procrastinate, sure, but I still do as I'm told… most of the time.

Rita dearest is wearing a wide grin. Roan, who sits behind her, looks dumbfounded (which is nothing new), but her yellowish face seems to have paled into a light sandy color. Her black eyes are wide with shock. Annita, ever the excessive horror, has her jaw dropped practically to her knees and her brows furrowed a fair bit too much to be natural. She seems almost appalled by my magical capability. Lida, Sanota, and Veblen actually look impressed. Rectoress Del-Lana regards me with minimal interest - which isn't so surprising.

Tissaia though, her face is schooled into a perfectly impassive expression. She betrays nothing but vague acknowledgment… but her eyes, I can see a thousand thoughts swirling behind them. I've tried not to look her in the eyes, I didn't want to be weird, but now I realize that they show everything that her face does not. A glint of wonder hides behind them, but I catch it right before she turns her attention to the rectoress.

"Well, it appears you do have talent after all. Go and take a seat (Y/N)." The rectoress says. I bow my head in her direction and quickly return to my seat. The rest of the day proceeds as it normally would. After our trial with Del-Lana, we are dismissed to our rooms. None of us ever stay in our rooms of course, we are granted relative free-reign of the school. Most days me and Rita will sneak off to the kitchens and snag some snacks, courtesy of lady Gwendolyn. Today though, Rita has decided to do some spy work for the two of us. Aka, she's going to hang out with the rest of the girls and fill me in on any preposterous rumors so that we can laugh at how ridiculous they are.

So for today I will be spending my evening in the library. I'm not entirely sure if any of the other novices know where it is, seeing as how I was led to it by a friend in the staff. The library itself is wondrous. The shelves reach high and are made of dark oak, and there are a few windows that let the sun shine into the room for most of the day.

Currently, I am reading a book on herbology. This one particularly goes over where you can find the herbs and the best conditions to keep them in once harvested. Mandrake root, for example, is meant to be kept in a sealed container so that the small particles released from it when exposed to oxygen don't float in the air. If inhaled, it can cause you to hallucinate and pass out, you could die from it as well. Sadly, the most interesting herbs were the rarest, but that much is to be expected. Nothing interesting is ever too easy to find.

My peaceful reading is interrupted by someone sitting on the small sofa across from me. When I look up, I realize exactly who has intruded in on my "secret" place. Tissaia, ever prim and proper, is seated on the edge of the cushion and looking right at me. I look right back at her for a second before closing my book and placing it carefully beside me. That is when Tissaia starts talking.

"First of all, I do not appreciate you distracting me while in session with Rectoress Del-Lana." She says curtly.

"But I can't exactly blame you, Rita is a horrible influence. It really is a shame that someone of your clear magical talent would resolve to do something so childish." This earns Tissaia an irritated look.

"If you came here to fuss at me for bugging you, there's no need. I learned my lesson." I say, tapping the cushion impatiently. Personally, I'd rather not have to deal with Tissaia's scrutiny right now. She doesn't leave though, and continues to talk.

"That's not all I came for (Y/N). Clearly you have been spending a lot of time practicing your magic. I'd say that as of now, the amount of control that you have may rival my own…" Tissaia says. I tilt my head slightly and give her a puzzled expression.

"What exactly have you been doing that helps you to maintain so much balance and control? It can't be anything the Rectoress is teaching us." Tissaia continues. I give her a smile and slide down to the rug between us. It has simple patterns, it's woven with threads of multiple shades of red and yellow. I gesture for her to mimic my position. She hesitates of course, clearly not wanting to dirty her skirts by sitting on the floor. But eventually Tissaia does lower herself to the floor.

"Meditation and grounding." I say softly,

"They aren't exactly the same, but they are similar." A crease forms between Tissaia's brows as I say this. I can't help but smile, it's kind of cute when she does that. She urges me to go on regardless.

"When you're grounding yourself, you are focusing on your connection to the world around you. It's helpful before and after spell work. It's really just you taking a moment to focus on the sensations around you, and letting yourself rest and your mind feel at ease. Be sure to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth" I explain. I place my hand on the rug.

"Think of the rough texture of the carpet. The smell of paper and candles. The sounds of pages turning and quills on paper." I say. Tissaia closes her eyes and appears to be listening to the small sounds in the library. There's barely anyone here when I am, but the librarian is always here, always flipping through books and taking notes on certain things.

"What about meditation?" Tissaia asks, her eyes now open and looking at me as if I'm the most interesting person in the room. That look makes my heart feel heavy but also light at the same time. I push the feeling away and continue on with my little lesson.

"Meditation is when you focus on yourself and try to block out the outside world. Most people clear their heads and try to think of nothing, but I like to imagine that I'm somewhere else. Somewhere peaceful. I believe it's called a mindscape, but don't quote me on that." I say, a small laugh escaping me. Tissaia's lips turn upwards slightly and she shakes her head a little.

"I assume that we're supposed to breath the same right? In through the nose out through the mouth?" She asks. I nod and demonstrate, taking a deep breath in and holding it for 3 seconds before letting it out slowly. She copies me and I give her an approving smile.

We sit in silence, the only sounds around us are the in and outs of our synchronized breathing. It's pleasant to have her here with me, clearly interested in what I have to share with her and in sharing my company. At some point I find myself drifting off to the time she and I had spent together only a month or so ago. It feels like so long since then, since her cold demeanor had changed to be a little kinder. Sadly, she was never truly being kind for the sake of it, Gwendolyn had informed me that Tissaia was using her kindness to manipulate me. Tissaia wanted out, I can understand that, but it's still kind of painful to think about. Maybe now, with some time and communication, we could learn to call each other friends.

Our meetings in the library became a daily thing. We spent an hour everyday together meditating and grounding ourselves after lessons. She had mentioned that she felt a lot more energized after our sessions. She asked questions and on the 4th day she brought a journal with her. Now whenever I say something of interest, she writes it down. On the 5th day, she asked me what my mindscape looked like. I told her of course, and I asked her what hers looked like. She didn't want to tell me though, so I left it alone.

But one day she just stopped coming. She had said she would be here, but she's running very late. She's never late. I give her 10 more minutes and then leave, walking down the hall to my rooms. She was probably busy, maybe she had homework? It doesn't matter, just because she missed one day doesn't mean she won't come around again. And on my way down the stone corridor I held on to that thought. Then I see Rita come around the corner and walk right to me. She seems almost frantic, but also shocked, and angry. I stop in my tracks and give her a concerned look.

"What's wrong Rita? Did something happen?" I ask her worriedly. She grabs me gently by the arms and looks me in the eyes. There's fear in her eyes.

"Is it true (Y/N)?" She asks me.

"What do you mean? That's not much to go on Rita." I answer, now increasingly worried.

"You don't know… oh geez," Rita bites at her lip before continuing.

"Tissaia just told everyone that you're a homosexual." Rita says quietly. She frantically adds that she doesn't mind and that she herself has been questioning. But I don't have the will to care. I can't care about that, not right now.

"Tissaia outed me?" I say, practically seething with rage. I feel betrayed to say the least. 5 days I spent helping her and supposedly bonding with her, and this is what I get? I'm not just angry, no, I am livid. Rita has held the sense to give me some space.

That night during dinner, Rita and I snuck into Tissaia's room and trashed it. We flipped her bed, broke her inkwells, and snapped her quills. Rita took a few of Tissaia's dresses and the sheets from her bed and dumped ink all over it. I took her meditation journal and pocketed it, no use in her having my help if she's going to treat me like shit. Though it hurt me a lot to do it, I tore all of her books from the shelf and threw them around the room. Eventually Rita said it was time to go and we booked it to our rooms. We did not celebrate that night. No, I spent the night crying and angrily telling Rita everything. From the beginning of mine and Tissaia's relationship, to now. And Rita, being the best friend that she is, held me and listened to everything.

[harddrivetrash]

Methods for Creating Robust RPG Characters From an Actor’s Perspective

I know I don’t post a lot at all, but I’m trying to be better about that. So instead of empty promises and some Assassin’s Creed screenshots, here’s some Real Content! This one’s for all you RPG’ers who might want some advice on character writing. Hope you enjoy it.

For context, I am an actor in Northern California with professional training and seven years of theatre experience. I’m in college currently pursuing a theatre degree. I have been running rpgs for about a year now, and I am the forever game master (GM) for my gaming group.  With that in mind, know that the suggestions in this article come from a place of strong knowledge and love for the art of theatre, and from personal experiences, both onstage and at the gaming table. I have a lot of particular thoughts regarding aesthetic philosophy, specifically as it relates to acting and theatre art, but I’ll try to keep those to a minimum.

1. Start With Your Gameplay Vision

This method focuses on the player’s gameplay preferences first and builds the personality to accommodate that. What do you want this character to be like in a social situation? Do you want a suave talker who can charm his way into trouble and then bluff his way right out of it? Or do you want to be the quiet, brooding type who lets her allies talk things out whilst backing them up by looking intimidating? Similarly, consider how you want to approach combat. Whether you’re a guns-a-blazin’ type player or a stealthy assassin doesn’t matter; the most important part is making that concrete decision and then creating a reason for it.

For example, if you want your character to be a gunslinging, animal-taming bard, decide why they fight that way. Why do they like guns, and how did they learn to shoot? When did they discover their love of animals, and when did they practice the skills which enabled them to tame creatures? With each additional answer, keep adding to the backstory and make sure that everything you add to it stays consistent with its ability to facilitate your gameplay preferences.Keep asking and answering these kinds of introspective questions about your character until you feel comfortable with that creation.

I recommend this method for beginning players and game masters because it allows one to write up a character based on something you’re already excited about. I’ve found that this method works especially well for Dungeons and Dragons, but it’s a perfectly effective method for other, more role-play focused games like Call of Cthulhu or Vampire: the Masquerade. 

The beauty of creating a character this way is the simplicity; the player only needs to consider whether or not every added detail to the character’s personality and backstory is consistent with their desired playstyle. There is no need to worry (too much) about the lore of the game world. The biggest drawback, however, is that this method encourages players to think about actual play in a much more meta-minded manner, as opposed to focusing primarily on immersion and role-play, especially for new players. You might find that you or your players will only play this character so far as to create an opportunity to roll dice. This is totally okay, by the way; there is nothing wrong with hungering for a good dice roll. It’s just something to keep in mind.

2. Find an Environmental Anchor

You may find the previous method to be too basic or meta or for whatever reason not your desired method for character creation; that’s fine! Sometimes when you start a new character, you don’t have the slightest idea about what you want to do in combat or maybe you don’t want to build a character based on class or combat role. No matter what, this method is totally focused on immersion into the game world and nothing else. 

First, speak to your GM about the setting and theme of the game. Try to get as much information as you can about the world and its lore, and then pick something you like as an anchor. For example, if there is a rugged mountain range in a high fantasy setting that you like the concept of, consider making a connection to it with the information you have; is your character from there? Do they want to go there? Did something happen to them whilst travelling through the mountains? Whatever it is, define a clear connection to that place (assuming it works with your game master’s world and lore, of course) and then work from there, asking “why” and “how” along the way to smooth out those rougher details.

Environmental anchors don’t even need to be related to the geography, either! For example, if you’re playing a sci-fi setting where your character lives on a colonial planet, find out what that culture is like. Why is there a colony? What government funded the development of this colony? How do people feel about their leaders and what do they do about those feelings? Acquire any and all information about the people and their culture as you can (assuming your GM shares that with you) and then consider how you want your character to exist in that context. If it’s a religious society, define whether or not your character is religious and how they feel about religion. Do they follow the same religion as everyone else? How has religion affected them in the past? These kinds of questions help you to define how your character acts and feels in the context of the game world without focusing on the different aspects of gameplay or game balance. You’ll definitely find your fighting style along the way, don’t worry.

The biggest downside to using this method as a player is that you need to bug your GM a lot. Chances are they’ll be more than happy to help, especially if they’ve built the entire game world from scratch. But remember, depending on the person, you might not get a lot of information because it’s all an elaborate secret, or they might just not have that information available for you. However, the silver lining is that in asking your game master specific questions about the world, their creative wheels start to turn as they ponder these questions. I’ve found that this usually leads to the GM creating a far more robust and detailed land than they would have done otherwise. In any case, be kind and patient with your questions.

3. Define Personality Traits

Maybe you’re an experienced player and want to try a different method of character creation, or maybe you’re a new player who wants to focus on role-playing a particular archetype, but you have yet to define their more nuanced personality traits. This method is perfect for building a personality, and then writing your backstory to accommodate that. 

Like the other two methods listed here, the most important thing is to decide on a concrete center for your character concept, regardless of what it is. If you want to play a character who is a brave and honorable warrior, start with that. Why do they value bravery and honor? Was it ingrained in them during childhood or did they learn those values later in life? Just those two questions can give you a lot of creative room with which to work. Keep asking questions about the reasons for your character’s attitudes and the way they react in different situations. 

I personally use this method a lot in conjunction with finding an environmental anchor. You don’t have to, but if you choose not to create a character who is tightly tied to the game world in some way, you run the risk of creating a character in a contextual vacuum. I’ll expand more on this idea at a later date, but the key thing to remember is that people, and by extension characters, do not exist in a vacuum. There is always a social and an environmental context which affects how your character develops. Once you’ve used this method to come up with a good personality for your character, be sure to work with your GM to implement them into their game world as smoothly as possible before play begins.

4. Assist Your Players

This one is for all the game masters out there. I find that it is incredibly helpful and important to assist players in character creation, especially if they are struggling. Asking your players questions and providing suggestions which they themselves may not have thought of goes a long way in helping them develop a character with some real depth. In my experience, this collaboration also helps immensely with prompting players to create more intriguing backstories.

Communication is incredibly important (again, I plan to elaborate on this subject in a future post) and as a GM, character creation goes a lot smoother when you inform your players about the setting as soon as possible. Keep them updated as things change in your planning so they can change their ideas in time, if need be. 

The biggest pitfall with this method for both players and game masters is the risk of allowing the player's creation to become the GM's creation. Too many suggestions for backstory plot points or personality traits can smother the player's creativity and lead them to play a character which actually isn't their own creation, and they might not be happy about that. 

Personally, I like giving my players as much agency as possible, so i tend to keep my suggestions to a minimum and focus on asking my players questions about their character. However, if your players enjoy taking your suggestions and everyone's having fun, you don't need to worry. 

One Last Thing…

Remember that your character, especially if you’re a player, is your vessel through whom you may freely express yourself. Stay true to whatever your vision is and create something that you actually enjoy, even if it takes a little bit more time than you’d expect. Playing tabletop games is about having fun and sharing a narrative experience. Don’t worry too much about if your character is “right” or “interesting enough” or “different enough” from your own real personality; that stuff doesn’t matter. As long as you’re all having fun, you’re doing it right. 

Be kind to each other and stay healthy.

[daesungindistress]

What I mean, is that most of the vips seem content with the fact that he hasn’t gotten what he deserves as a singer/BB member and it pisses me off. That poll might not be important but it highlights what has been going on for years it seems. And don’t even get me started on the delusional ot5s. Why are the majority of Daesung fans still trying to hold on to that when the other fans have moved on??? Is it the underdog complex, because yea the maknae line were paid dust, but still...

Oh anon... this was the follow-up I was hoping I wouldn’t get. The clarification I didn’t want to hear.

Gonna divide this into two parts.

Part 1:

“What I mean, is that most of the vips seem content with the fact that he hasn’t gotten what he deserves as a singer/BB member and it pisses me off. That poll might not be important but it highlights what has been going on for years it seems.”

I’m going to be honest with you: I really dislike this complaint. It’s one I haven’t seen much from Daesung’s fans over the years -- until recently. Interestingly, it’s starting to pop up more here and there. Is this about that kpop idol vocalist poll floating around Twitter? Or the birthday hashtag poll? Either way, it’s like you said: they’re not actually important. Like, at all.

But it seems you’re bothered about something greater, something that runs deeper. I'll try to answer as best I can though this is a conversation I don’t want to have. A can of worms I don’t want to open.

Because I am one of those VIPs you’ve just called out. I’m more than content, I’m quite happy for Daesung regarding his success, popularity, and place in BB. Why? Well, for starters, because he seems happy. And when it comes to his happiness and well-being, more than anything, I take my cues from him.

It may also be a matter of perspective. Not sure about other Dae stans but speaking for myself, I’ve never needed much in terms of wealth or fame, recognition or praise. My hopes and dreams are nothing extravagant, I’ve never been of the “more, more, more” mindset, and perhaps it’s because of this that I don’t feel the need to demand more of or for my favorite member. I’m just glad to receive what they’re willing and able to give, when they’re willing and able to give it. And Daesung... well, we know very little about his personal life, but when it comes to his career, everything he's shared with us to date points to him taking a similar humble approach to career growth: ready for more if there’s an opportunity, but always sincerely grateful for what he has, whatever that may be.

In other words, he isn’t the ambitious type. When given a chance he gives his all, but he doesn’t need to have it all.

And this is why we really need to stop comparing him and his popularity to that of the other members. He’s Daesung of Big Bang. No matter where we might see him in relation to his bandmates, one fact remains: he’s seated firmly on his throne at the top of the game. The throne he calls Big Bang.

*Of course, this is to say nothing of his hugely successful solo career in Japan. But what needs to be said about that? His chart-topping success there speaks for itself, and your frustration seems more geared toward his contributions to BB -- and the recognition (or lack of it) he receives.

You may disagree, but here’s how I view his place in Big Bang. What you see as “settling” for second best, I see as accepting, and even embracing, that within BB Daesung is right where he wants to be. He isn’t looking to compete with his members for success or seeking to be the best. A team full of need-to-be-number-ones would never work out. Daesung seems to recognize this and consistently and reliably shapes himself to fit whatever he thinks BB needs him to be, balancing out the team to keep these "free spirits” from fighting -- and he does it seamlessly, taking new form without flaw.

In fact, Daesung has said that within Big Bang he actually prefers his placement behind the other members. He doesn’t want to take the lead (“I don’t take the lead, I just enjoy things from a step behind”). He doesn’t crave the spotlight. He’s comfortable giving his members room to work their magic as he soaks up the atmosphere and watches over them -- “directing traffic” I think he once called it. His place in Big Bang allows him intermittent bursts of performance and passion without the burden of having all eyes on him at all times. Sounds to me like maybe he likes it. Maybe it works for him.

Does that mean he’s also made sacrifices for the group over the years, sometimes stepping back when he didn’t want to so that the other members could shine? Yes. Absolutely yes. Youngbae addressed this in a letter to him some years ago. He commended Daesung for his selflessness, said he greatly admired that quality of his and realized he could learn from him.

That resonated with me. Because rather than get upset on his behalf, believing him to be wrongfully ignored or overlooked, Daesung’s tendency to submit to his seniors for what he considers the greater good makes me notice him and love him more. I assume he does it willingly, with a good heart and a positive attitude -- and hopefully because he believes it to be best for everyone. Has anything he’s shown us so far suggest that he feels otherwise? I doubt he would talk so openly about his self-assigned role in BB (the waist, the middle, the lubricant, the balance) if he disliked it.

"He hasn’t gotten what he deserves,” you say. And yet all Daesung has done over the years is consistently express gratitude, calling himself “lucky” and “blessed”, describing himself as “drifting in a dream”, and acting surprised at the opportunities he’s been given and mystified by the love directed at him. To the point where he’s questioned if he’s really “deserving of so much love.” In his D-Day documentary he quietly commented that he “wasn’t meant to be this kind of person.” Because he’s “just an ordinary man.”

I don’t know how fans can hear him talk like that and think, “It’s not enough.” Why choose to focus on that? Daesung has done so well for himself and is so successful and has achieved things he never thought possible -- especially when you take into account what he went through all those years ago. You know, the accident. It always strikes me as strange to hear his fans complain that he “hasn’t gotten what he deserves” when everything he’s ever said suggests he feels that he’s gotten more than he deserves 💔

Of course we love him and want everything for him; as his fans we think he deserves the world. But maybe, to Daesung what he has is the world. Who knows? We only know know what he lets us see. And the way I see it, spending our stan energy fuming about some perceived injustice / inequality that he has never addressed himself with anything but positivity seems to fly in the face of that humble, ever grateful, everything-happens-for-a-reason optimism he carries with him everywhere. “Do it like Dae,” a friend and I decided recently. We were discussing attitude and how it influences our view of a situation -- and in a broader sense, how it affects our approach to life.

Side note: there’s a song by another artist called “In Your Shadow (I Can Shine)” and I’ve always found that intriguing. Daesung shines just fine on his own, whether he’s standing before the others or standing beside them. But his shine, when he stands behind them, doesn’t disappear... it takes on a different quality. Don’t underestimate the value of a team player. All those metaphors he’s used to describe this side of himself... let’s just say Big Bang wouldn’t have made it this far without him to help hold them together and smooth the way. And personally, I find this to be one of his most attractive qualities; that he seems satisfied with a more supportive role in the group is actually part of what drew me to him in the first place.

So, to sum up, settling for second best doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Even when he’s “settling” he stands out to me.

You may continue to be bothered by it no matter what anyone says. I just hope I’ve done a decent job of explaining why I’m not.

[gunnerpalace]

Hi! Same anon as the previous one. Tbh, I agree wholeheartedly with you. Y'see I do ask rhetorically,too but i could really accept and understand how and why ppl can be oblivious to IchiRuki, and somehow felt that the 'canon' should suffice, even the most excruciating of all is the fact a number found the ending even acceptable (ships aside, too). Again, I could respect that. But it's my greatest bane when ppl ask 'why' and not be clear they are asking rhetorically because I literally will

provide you an actual answer. And I get it, it’s the reason why ppl find shipping wars toxic and silly. But then again, as human, conflicts are always part of us (partly because as social psych explains so, we are gravitated to the negative for that allows us to change and survive), and the reason why “logical fallacies” are coined in the first place. Human will always debate, and argue about something; the only thing we could change is how we approach the opposing views.

Again, I dont condone any way, shape or form of abuse and harm. In some certain extent, I could perhaps understand it’s much harder for some IH to approach the actual argument being there’s either too much noise, and trapped in their own island between sea of salt. Thus becoming too acquianted w/ few IH who shared the same thought until it became their views as the only truth (see, that’s why its important to have debates! it is what keep us grounded and fair! Just like you said)

Who am I to speak though? I never ever challenged anyone anyways. And as you said, you just have to understand things in every way you could possibly think of–endless ‘whys’. Which is where I agree in your reply the most–this silly fandom wars is just the black mirror to every truth that lies beneath human psyche–the dark and the grimy. Heck, being a psych major is like staring at dark hole–at times, good, but most just plain confusing, revolting even or just heartbreaking.

Sorry it’s been long, but for the final of this ask: let me tell how glad I was with IchiRuki fandom I found in tumblr. It was the saltiest I’ve ever been (im not generally a fandom person anyways) but it’s the himalayan salt–expensive and actually nutritive it really deepened my desire to become wiser in general. And you for your wonderful essays, critiques and whatnot. I definitively would love to talk with you more not only about IchiRuki but the wonders and nightmare that us humans! Kudos!

I have sitting in my drafts a post spelling out my thoughts on “canon” (and thus, the people who cling to it) in that as a concept it privileges:

officiality over quality when it comes to validity (thus violating Sturgeon’s law)

corporations (intellectual property rights holders) over fans, and thus capitalists over proletarians

hierarchical dominance over mutualist networking within fandom

curative fandom over transformative fandom

genre over literary content

plot over characters

events over emotions

It is notable that (1) generally degrades art as a whole, (2) generally advances the capitalist agenda, and (3–7) generally advances the dominance of men over women (as the genders tend to be instructed by society to view these as A. dichotomies rather than spectrums, and B. to ascribe gender to them and make them polarities). These form the sides of a mutually reinforcing power structure (in the typical “Iron Triangle” fashion) designed to preserve and maintain the status quo.

Who really benefits from say, the policing of what is or is not “canon” in Star Wars? Disney, first and foremost. And then whomever (almost certainly male) decides to dedicate their time to memorizing the minutiae of whatever that corporation has decided is “legitimate.”

One can imagine a universe in which fan fic is recognized by companies for what it is: free advertising. (Much like fan art already is.) Instead, it is specifically targeted by demonetization efforts in a way that fan art isn’t. Why? Because it demonstrates that corporate control and “official” sanction has no bearing on quality, and it is thus viewed as undermining the official products.

In the same way, by demonstrating that most “canonical” works are frankly shit, it undermines the investiture of fans in focusing on details that are ultimately errata (the events, the plot, the genre), which is the core function of curative fandom and the reason for its hierarchical structure. The people who “know the most” are at the top, but what they “know” is basically useless garbage. And those people so-engaged are, of course, usually male.

To “destroy” the basis of their credibility, and indeed the very purpose of their community, is naturally viewed by them as an attack.

(This is not to say that efforts to tear down internal consistency within established cultural properties are good unto themselves, or even desirable. For example, efforts to redefine properties such as Star Wars, Star Trek, Doctor Who, and Ghostbusters, for the sake of a identity-politics agenda have largely A. failed as art, B. failed as entertainment, C. failed to attract the supposedly intended audience, and D. failed to advance the agenda in question. Trying to repurpose extant media in the name of culture wars is essentially always doomed to failure unless it is done deftly and gradually.)

(At the same time, this also shows what I was talking about last time, with regard to people seeing whatever they want to see. You will see people complain that Star Trek and Doctor Who didn’t “used to be so political,” which is obviously nonsense. These shows were always political. What changed was how their politics were presented. For example, Star Trek has, since TNG, always shown a nominally socialist or outright communist future, but was beloved by plenty of conservatives because they could [somehow] ignore that aspect of it.)

Of course, almost no one is seriously suggesting that one side of the spectrums outlined above be destroyed, rather merely that a new balance be struck upon the spectrum. But, as we have seen time and again in society, any threat to the status quo, whether that be 20% of Hugo Awards going to non-white male authors or the top income tax rate in America being increased by a measly 5.3% (from 28.7% to 34%… when the all-time high was 94% and for over 50 years it was above 50%) is a threat. This is why, for example, Republicans are out there branding AOC as a “socialist” when her policies are really no different at all from a 1960 Democrat who believed in FDR’s New Deal. (Which they, of course, have also demonized as “socialism.”)

(As an aside, all this ignores the fact that most of the “literary canon” of Western civilization, or at least English literature… is Biblical or historical fan fic.)

And this is when I finally get to my point.

Those people out there who denigrate and mock shippers and shipping, the people who hurl “it reads like fan fiction” as an insult, and so on, are the people who benefit from and enjoy the extant power structure. You will see the same thing with self-identified “gamers” complaining about “fake girl gamers.” Admitting that the hobby has a lot of women in it, and a lot of “casuals,” and is indeed increasingly dominated by “non-traditional demographics” is an affront to the constructed identity of being a “gamer.” They are “losing control.” And they don’t like it.

This exact same sort of population is what the “fanbase” of Bleach has been largely reduced down to through a slow boiling off of any actual quality. Of course they’re dismissive of people who are looking for anything of substance: their identity, their “personal relationship” with the franchise, is founded on a superficial appreciation of it: things happening, flashy attacks, eye-catching character designs, fights, etc.

(What this really boils down to, at heart, is that society at large has generally told men that emotions are bad, romance and relationships of all kinds are gross, and that thinking and reflecting on things is stupid. So of course they not only don’t care about such things, but actively sneer at them as “girly” or “feminine,” which is again defined by society at large as strictly inferior. And this gender divide and misogyny is of course promulgated and reinforced by the powers that be, the capitalists, to facilitate class divisions just like say racism generally is.)

(The latest trick of these corporate overlords has been the weaponization of “woke” culture to continue to play the people off one another all the time. “If you don’t like this [poorly written, dimensionless Mary Sue] Strong Female Character, then you are a racist misogynist!” They are always only ever playing both sides for profit, not advancing an actual ideological position. It is worth noting that there was a push by IH some years ago to define IR as “anti-feminist” for critiquing Orihime for essentially the exact same reasons [admittedly, not for profit, but still as critical cover].)

Which makes it very curious, therefore, that the most ardent IH supporters tend to be women. (Though there are more than a few men, they seem to tend to support it because it is “canon” and to attack it is to attack “canon” and thus trigger all of the above, rather than out of any real investment.) I think there are a number of reasons for this (which I have detailed before) and at any rate it is not particularly surprising; 53% of white women voted for Trump, after all.

What we are really seeing in fandom, are again the exact same dynamics that we see at larger and larger scales, for the exact same reasons. The stakes are smaller, but the perception of the power struggle is exactly the same.

Of course, the people who are involved in these things rarely think to interrogate themselves as to the true dimensions and root causes of their motivations. People rarely do that in general.

Putting all that aside, I’m glad that you have found a place you enjoy and feel comfortable, and thank you for the kind words, although I am not of the opinion that there is anything poignant about the non-fiction I write. It is, as I keep trying to emphasize, all there to be seen. One just has to open their eyes. So, it’s hard for me to accept appreciation of it.

Anyway, don’t feel shy about coming off of anon rather than continuing to send asks. We don’t really bite.

[healinghomegroup7]

What Husbands Can Do When Their Wives Have Postpartum Depression

When your wife has postpartum depression (PPD), which affects about 1 in 7 women after childbirth, you might feel confused, annoyed, scared, sad, worried or any combination of these. My husband certainly did. You might be thinking, "Why can't she just be happy? What's wrong with her? Aren't new moms supposed to be happy now that the baby's finally here? What's going on?"

Remember that PPD is a biochemical disorder which is no one's fault - not yours or hers. Although you can't fix it like you can a broken cabinet or leaky faucet, it's your job to support her as she recovers. Warning signs of PPD include anxiety, lack of energy, frequent crying, inability to sleep at night even when the baby's sleeping, low self-esteem, guilt feelings, appetite problems, irritability or anger, overwhelmed feelings, forgetfulness, decreased sex drive, and hopelessness. The normal Baby Blues should be gone by two weeks postpartum, so if she's still feeling weepy, she needs help. Or, if the symptoms are more severe than the mild Baby Blues even during the first two weeks, don't wait - get her help right away. You or she should call a healthcare practitioner you trust and ask for a referral to a therapist who specializes in postpartum depression.

Here are some pointers that will help you to help her and your relationship: (Excerpts from Beyond the Blues: A Guide to Understanding and Treating Prenatal and Postpartum Depression by Bennett and Indman)

Just being there with her is doing a great deal.

Letting her know you support her is often all she'll need. Ask her what words she needs to hear for reassurance, and say those words to her often. Things like, "We'll get through this. I'm here for you. I love you very much. You're a great mom. The baby loves you. You'll get yourself back. The PPD is temporary. I'm sorry you're suffering - that must feel awful. This isn't your fault."

Share at-home responsibilities.

Even a non-depressed new mom can't realistically be expected to cook dinner and clean house. She may be guilt-tripping herself about not measuring up to her own expectations and worrying that you'll also be disappointed with her. Remind her that parenting your child(ren) and taking care of your home is also your job, not just hers. Your relationship will emerge from this crisis stronger than ever.

Let her sleep at night.

She needs at least 5 hour of uninterrupted sleep per night to receive a full sleep cycle and restore her biorhythms (Chapter 11 of Postpartum Depression For Dummies* explains in detail how splitting the night can work even if she's breastfeeding or you need to leave the house early for work.) If you want your wife back quicker, be on duty for this time without disturbing her. Many dads have expressed how much closer they are to their children because of nighttime caretaking. If you can't be up at night taking care of your baby, hire someone who can take your place. A temporary baby nurse will be worth her weight in gold.

Get the support you need so you can be there for her.

Often a husband becomes depressed during or after his wife's depression. You can help protect yourself by getting your own support from friends, family, or professionals. Regular exercise or other stress-relieving activity is important, so you can remain the solid support for your wife. Provide a stand-in support person for her while you're gone. o Don't take it personally. Irritability is common with PPD. Don't allow yourself to become a verbal punching bag. It's not healthy for anyone concerned. She feels guilty after saying hurtful things to you and it's not good for her. If you feel you didn't deserve to be snapped at, calmly explain that to her. (Excerpts from Postpartum Depression For Dummies by Bennett)

Back her up in her decision- making.

If your wife needs to see various practitioners, take medication, join a PPD support group, stop breastfeeding, or whatever else, she needs to know you're behind her 100 percent. You can certainly participate in the decision-making process, but the decisions themselves are ultimately hers. It can be helpful for you to accompany her to a therapy or doctor's appointment so you can ask any questions you may have regarding her treatment. As a therapist, I find the partner's attendance useful and I encourage it at least once. My client is always relieved to know that her husband is getting support and now understands more about her situation and the illness. o Don't mention how much her care costs. She's already feeling guilty about what she's costing the family, both emotionally and financially. Without your wife's mental health postpartum, nothing else matters. During PPD recovery, couples may use up savings and take out loans - consider it an investment in launching your new family in a healthy way. Be open to doing (and spending) whatever it takes to get her the right, specialized help, not just whoever is covered by the insurance plan.

Practice the work/life balance.

You've probably read your employee handbook about your company's work/life balance program. Now's the time to make it work for you. Tell your manager what's going on at home, that you need to leave work every evening on time, and that you can't take expended business trips for the foreseeable future. You may see this practice as career suicide, but it isn't. Many of my clients' husbands have taken parental leave, and have made the effort to be at home on time every night during this difficult period. Federal law provides husbands job-protected time off from work following the birth of a baby or to care for a seriously ill spouse. If you're a domestic partner, it depends on the state in which you live whether or not you'll be covered. If necessary, go ahead and move off the corporate fast track to help your partner recover. Your physical presence to her is more important than the next promotion, and years from now, when you look back on your life, you'll never regret having chosen family over work. I hear over and over from my clients that they don't care about the big house (with the big mortgage). They just want their husbands at home. So, if you're thinking that it's for her and your kids that you're working long hours, traveling, and so forth, you may want to ask her what she thinks - you many be surprised.

Maintain intimacy.

As you and your wife walk the road to recovery, it's important to maintain intimacy, even if it's (for now) void of any sexual activity. You may be rolling your eyes with the thought of "just cuddling." After all, what's the point of cuddling if it doesn't lead to anything? But for her, just being close to you and being held by you is comforting and healing. She may also have some physical healing to do following the birth process. Remember not to take her lack of interest in sex personally. This isn't a rejection of you - it's mainly about hormones, brain chemicals, and life changes. If you're the one returning from work at the end of the day, make sure you greet your wife first, before you greet any other member of the family (including the furry, four-legged ones). The relationship with her is the most important one and without it, no other little person would be there (see Chapter 15 for other sex and intimacy issues). Refer to the first bullet for ideas of what to say to your wife that will truly help her.

There are also some clear no-no's to avoid. Here are a few: DO NOT say:

"Think about everything you have to feel happy about." She already knows everything she has to feel happy about. One of the reasons she feels so guilty is that she's depressed despite these things.

"Just relax." This suggestion usually produces the opposite effect! She's already frustrated at not being able to relax in spite of all the coping mechanisms that have worked in the past. Anxiety produces hormones that can cause physical reactions such as increased heart rate, shakiness, and muscle tension. This is not something she can just will away.

"Snap out of it." If she could, she would have already. She wouldn't wish this on anyone. She can't snap out of PPD any easier than she can snap out of the flu. Be patient, non-judgmental, and upbeat. With the right kind of professional help along with your consistent and loving support, your wife will recover and your marriage will likely be stronger than ever.

[itsclydebitches]

I'm not sure the best way to ask this but I'll try, sorry if I send a bunch of anons. I got into a discussion about what constitutes "bad writing" and as a writer who views writing as art, I personally have a hard time actually saying any writing is bad (even when it is literally hard or cringe to read lol). I personally tend to read stories and if there's stuff that doesn't make sense or lacks continuity, I tend to naturally change the story to make sense/be "better" (for myself). (Cont)

It’s a crazy complicated subject, isn’t it? I too view writing (any craft, really) as art. Which, for me, doesn’t mean that writing can’t be bad, but rather I acknowledge that “bad” is a subjective label and there’s no art in the world that’s “bad” to every single person. Which is why censorship can’t exist. The art that one group deems “bad” in an ethical manner can’t have the power to destroy it when another group needs and thrives on that art. (And I’ve spoken before about that careful balance between allowing art to exist/allowing for its creation but making your morals known regarding individual pieces. e.g. “I’m not going to blindly fight against everyone who creates kink art but if you created something that, say, fetishizes a group in an offensive and potentially dangerous way, people have the right to speak up about that.”) 

But here we’re not talking about “bad” moral writing, but rather “bad” entertainment writing. Even though, in reality, the two are rarely separate issues. But let’s assume they are for a moment. Yes, I wholeheartedly agree that from one perspective “bad” writing simply does not exist. The cringeiest YA novel is going to be some teen’s favorite book. The song that sounds like nonsense noise to you may be another’s anthem. Someone fell in love with that fic, or that drawing, or the lopsided sweater you knit. So right in those examples we can see how “good” art often depends on: 

Your relationships (a “bad” drawing by a child is going to mean something to their mother) 

Your age (people adore books as teens that they later realize were “bad,” but it wasn’t “bad” according to who you were at the time) 

Previous skill level (if you just started knitting and you could barely manage a scarf last year, that sweater is “good” now, comparatively) 

Experience (someone with very little knowledge of animation might be blown away by a show that’s sneered at by someone who consumes the medium regularly) 

What you as an individual prioritize (when people talk about a “good” story one might be referencing the plot, the other might be referencing the world building, the third relatable characters, and everyone has a different list of requirements for what makes a “good” tale) 

Something unidentifiable based on our tastes that, notably, are always changing

So obviously art is subjective. However, when we’re talking about art in the media that’s meant to be consumed by the masses, we need to introduce two crucial elements: 

This is art that (usually) someone paid for, in one manner or another. Producing this art was someone’s job. Thus, there are expectations attached to the experience that help people determine whether it’s “good” or “bad.” If you paid for a show that implied it would have solid continuity and then it failed to produce that, that’s now an issue between a buyer and a seller. Like going to a restaurant, paying for a burger, and getting a sandwich instead. We can argue that they’re very similar foods. We can argue that the sandwich is still a delicious food to receive. We can argue that you have to power to go home to your own kitchen and make a burger yourself if you’re that picky... but at the end of the day you ordered something (or, to be clearer regarding media, were encouraged to expect something) and then didn’t receive it. That makes people mad. Or at best, disappointed. People may naturally be inclined to do the work of the writers tasked with providing their entertainment - making things “better” as you say - but that shouldn’t be a requirement. When I pay someone to make my food it’s not a part of the unspoken contract that I will doctor the meal extensively until it resembles what I thought I was paying for. 

Though subjective, there are types of art that the majority of people tend to prefer. Consistency being a major one. Are there abstract forms of art that deliberately work to confuse or frustrate viewers and do people find that engaging? Absolutely. Do the majority of people want to work hard to follow/understand/explain the story they sat down to watch at the end of a long day? Nope. It’s the safe bet of “Yeah, some people might not care if we retcon this but more people are probably going to be upset that we can’t follow our own story rules.” That consistency spreads to everything, including things like character arcs and endings. If you look at controversial shows like How I Met Your Mother or Dexter, when people say “This was a bad ending” they rarely mean “No one could ever like this conclusion.” Rather, they mean that “The vast majority of us expected something based on what you previously produced and then you failed to provide that. This doesn’t make sense and thus we feel lied to.” 

The purpose of (most) stories isn’t to produce feelings of betrayal, anger, frustration, and disappointment in your audience. So if a story does produce those feelings via all that you mention - lost potential, lack of continuity, numerous mistakes, etc. - then it has failed to do what (most) stories seek to do. Again, not all stories are like this. Many do try to produce such feelings. But for the majority of mainstream works if your audience doesn’t experience feelings of happiness (or catharsis) and satisfaction... then the story is “bad.” In the way that a car that won’t run is “bad.” The car might still look good and maybe you can use it for something else if you put your mind to it, but it has failed to complete its purpose as a car. 

That for me makes a “bad” story. It has failed to function as that particular type of story should. When we sit down to something like RWBY we have certain expectations. They’re produced by what the show has already introduced, its genre, its tone, what RT says during panels, how much money the company has, etc. Expectations like “Characterization will remain logical and consistent” or “If you introduce this concept you’ll come back to it,” or “We’re not going to have a whole bunch of animation mistakes.” Failing to meet these expectations doesn’t produce an objectively bad story - someone out there will like it - but it does produce a “bad” story in relation to what the majority of audience remembers had hoped and expected the story would be. Every story in the world is compared against its potential and the expectations it produces along the way (even if one of the expectations is a story’s ability to creatively undermine expectations: “We thought we were going one way but then there was a twist. Crucially the twist makes sense so that’s still satisfying, even though it’s not what we thought we’d get). How well the story manages that determines whether the majority considers it “good” or not.