I cling to everything - CDs that skip, rings that turn my fingers green, the dead ends of my hair, old love notes that turn my stomach over and over. I'm not proud but there are still boxes under my bed. I'm not proud but my closet is still running out of space. And nostalgia is a fucking waste of time but my heart is full with it. Tell me I won't hold this forever. Tell me there will be a day where I let gloriously go.
I am drawing the curtains now, seated at the throne and my crown is well-settled. I unveil emotions that are raw, and sometimes uncomfortable. I swim through oceans of pain and watch people at the shore extend their arms that would never reach me.
Amidst the roaring noise, how do I whisper that the waves have accepted me? The shore in my sight seems to be drifting away but I am no longer afraid of drowning. In my dreams I have learned that no depths of drowning will really kill me. There's a warm home inside these deep waters now. I have learned how to be okay with others not being okay with me.
There is no end I can see, there is always a direction to turn to, but for a heartbeat it seems frivolous. And I hope you understand this too, that you can't be living your life without loving yourself.
I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been pulling thorns out of my heart. I’m pretty sure I was trying to grow some more roses and I ended up sprouting brambles.
I’m bleeding again. But I’ve learnt not to keep the wells full, a deluge is due each time the hive in my head comes alive. A complete firestorm of thoughts and feelings burning up inside and my chest is heaving…slightly. But I’m surviving, darling.
I tried reaching the moon this time and the storm clouds gathered the second my feet left the soil of my soul and I’ve been drifting in and out of grey - shades of grey. There’s lightning in the distance and the pattering of tears or rain or blood from my feet, running through shards, words stabbing, heart pulsing. Do I need a harness for these dreams, these thoughts - should I make a meal of these ashes I’ve been churning up in the hive?
I’m drifting again. The rain? The river of my prayers is filling up and pressing at the banks and my garden is at risk of going under and this time maybe I’ll breathe better under water, under my own caress against the window panes of my mind.
Darling, it’s out now. Out. Take a deep breath. The thorn, the shard? - you’ve ripped it out and now the clouds are shimmering and the lightning is coming back to you and you’re dreaming under the stars you put up - the hive is quiet. The queen has found a new budding rose and it’s called Hope.
I really love those other forms of “I love you”. Like you know, when they tell you to put your seatbelt on, they make sure you dress warm cause it got cold outside, when they make sure you’ve finished your papers, they remember your favourite ice cream flavors, they take you for night drives and snacks when you’re sad even though you pretended you don’t want to go etc. All of these lowkey “I love you’s” are the best.
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Once upon a time, there was an island named Econoville. Over there, lived about a thousand people. Those people, two children were friends, named Sam and Dora. Sam and Dora loved exploring the village and used to travel to the market. One sunny morning, they were visiting the marketplace when Sam saw a ‘Candy Store’. Over here, Sam is now going to learn about a strange phenomenon called ‘Demand and Supply’.
As he was near the candy store his eyes glittered up, seeing all the candies. There were different types of candies. Some were large, some were small. Sam was interested in all of them and the sweet tooth got the better of him. He started hunting down the chocolates one by one, savoring each one of them. The shopkeeper notices that and calls the boy towards him. The boy goes towards him with chocolate all over his mouth. The shopkeeper looks at him angrily but then starts laughing. The boy was relieved and the shopkeeper wiped his mouth. The boy curiously asks the shopkeeper ‘Uncle, you have so many chocolates. How is it possible that it’s still not over? I mean so many children come and eat them and they are so tasty. So, how is it possible?’. The shopkeeper smiled and told him,’ I will tell you the secret. Well, this is something you need to learn. If you learn it now, one day you will also own so many chocolates like me. So the secret is Supply and Demand’. He was confused and asked him ‘What is supply and demand?’.
The shopkeeper told him to wait and grabbed 2 boxes of different chocolate. Then he told them to bring all their friends. They both rushed and gathered all their friends. Now the shopkeeper to Sam to sit and watch. He begins saying to his friends to grab the chocolates from the 2 boxes he has kept. The children grabbed all the chocolates from box 1, making it empty, and box 2 was left aside with all the chocolates inside. But 2 friends didn’t get the chocolate and were sad. Then the shopkeeper went inside and filled box 1 with the same chocolates and they were also happy receiving it. Now all the children were rejoicing.
On the side, the shopkeeper was making Sam and Dora understand the meaning of supply and demand. The shopkeeper says ’Supply is the amount of candy available and demand is how much you and your friends want it’.
Dora and Sam were now armed with the knowledge of Demand and Supply. Now they would organize candy fairs and became the heroes of Econoville. Now with this knowledge gain, they would also teach others the meaning of demand and supply.