#wrote this in a state of what i can only describe as mania

[squeiky]

The audacity of existence.

How dare you be concieved. To be blessed with the touch of angels, you golden haired goddess. How dare you force your reflection upon mine. The audacity to mirror me.

YOU.

I hate you. You are my purgatory, and hell resides within your dastardly light. You are the anthesis to my existance, my purpose, my life. Tormet me by image alone.

Do you know how much you have pained me? How much the mere sight of you, has distorted me? Ruined me? Hurt me? Questions your existance has plauged in my mind?

Look at you, my loathsome copy. You are nothing like me.

So then why?

Why does the universe kiss you gently upon a flushed cheek then heckle and spit on mine? Why are you the beloved golden duckling whilst i remain the unwanted black swan?

Why is it me who must rid myself of my body, blood, and mind. Discarding me of myself to end you? I have done nothing short of effort. I have given myself all to destroying you, to riding the world of you. Yet they love you. They do not love me.

We resemble eachother more than anyone else ever will. It is cruel a fate, to be devoted entirely to destroying a twisted reflection of myself. Burdened by both our images, drowning me in hatred made for both us. Yet you remain free, whilsy i remain prisioner.

It feels, as i seek to destroy you, i destroy myself. So i do. Over and over again. Yet you remain unscathed, bright and beautiful. Whilst i remain broken, left to rot in the mud. Helpless. Afraid. Alone.

Thinking.

What must i do? Who must i be to be kissed by the same light that dared to birth you?

Must i purge myself of all things to simply taste a fraction of it? How will i outshine you? Must I transform my body till there is nothing of me left, just to feel your light crushed beneath mine? Must i erase myself completly? Must i become you? Must i be you?  Must i place my hands against your neck? My lifeless material crushing your ugly flesh to finally hear the last of your breath. Must i feel everyones glare peirce through my unending spine, wishing nothing but breaking every metal bone instead of me?

Must i take their love and desire and rip it from their broken hearts, forcing them to kneel before me and drag your dead light upon me? Must i become king of all things, living, dead and unalive, before i get a fraction, a mere TASTE of your life?

Is that what the world desires of me?

Is THAT what it takes?

my loathsome copy. Your existance is what destroys me. You are everything without me but i am nothing without you.  Yet i am made to end you. To destroy the only thing, the only purpose i have in life.

You all look down upon me. Even my creator, cant seem to look at me without seeing you. Forever i am compared to you. Forever i think of only you. Forever i am destroyed by you. Forever i am devoted to destroying you. Forever i am afriad. Forever i am chained, cursed to this wretched body, reflecting you.

YOU.

I hate you. I loathe you.

....

What a cruel existance to be born, you and I.

I hope when i choke you death, you'll burn me alive.

[king-nyx]

TIME TO TALK ABOUT THE LORE IN THE NEW MERCH DROP

Okay! First of all, Apollo Olympic and Laurel.

Laurel, we can safely assume, is Apollo's most popular song in universe.

He has a music video for it and everything.

Now, the significance of Laurels is that one) Daphne turned into a Laurel tree and two) Laurels represent victory and/or achievement. Do I think Apollo wrote a song about a girl who turned to a tree just to avoid him? No. No, I think this song is about Hyacinthus and Dionysus.

A major defining thing in Apollo's relationship with Dionysus is that Apollo saw Hyacinthus in Dionysus. To Apollo, Hyacinthus and Dionysus are interlinked. I think Laurel is about seeing Hyacinthus as a winner/winning side while Dionysus was the major fall or the "losing side". I think this song would be similar to Joji's "Glimpse of Us" and it would subtly and very unconsciously (reflecting Apollo's state of mind) be uplifting Hyacinthus as this great love and greater loss while pushing Dionysus down and, again unconsciously, stating that Dionysus was the loss. Dionysus was the love that could've been as great but just wasn't.

Now! Dionysus and Cheaper than Therapy

The new merch isn't a look at what the songs of Pour Taste are. No, this is a new album "Hubris". We'll take a look at Hubris in a second, for now, let's try to put Pour Taste together.

Pour Taste is the first album that they wrote and toured with. It was done without a drummer (Ares). Some of the songs have been described as "responses to Apollo's songs"

And, at one point, CTT use the Laurel melody in their song (which reaffirms my theory that Laurel is about Dionysus)

OKAY SO! What are the songs? For names, we have gotten

-Blue

-Not my God

and that's it.

There aren't enough context clues to try and guess what Blue might be about, but maybe (because blue is associated with sadness) Blue is about addiction and that sort of thing.

Not my God on the other hand is a response to Laurel. It's the first one we see that people outright recognise as a response song. It could very well be a call out song about Apollo though with 20x more subtlety.

If we assume that Laurel is about how Dionysus is the lesser version of Hyacinthus, this song could very well be about how Dionysus magnified Apollo and his relationship with Apollo to impossible heights only for Apollo to pull the rug from underneath his feet and show his true colors. How Dionysus tried his best for Apollo and how Apollo betrayed him. This song can very well be, a big 3-minute middle finger to Apollo with a big sign saying "I WISH YOU WERE HOW I IMAGINED"

On to Hubris!

OOF! It's a power move that Dionysus released a song called Hyacinthus. AND WE HAVE PUNCH DRUNK REFRANCE!!

Again, unfortunately, for Hubris we don't have much context clues. But, Hubris was done with Ares and we can guess at a few songs.

This album is called "Hubris" and I think that was done with intentionality. I think that is the theme of this album.

Lose Thyself could very well be about the "mania" that comes with being consistently high and drunk.

Hubris is the title track which could be the start of the discussion of the theme i.e. thinking you're so powerful and big only to be brought down by the power of others (Apollo hints mayhaps). This song makes me think about how good Dionysus must have felt right before the breakup only to be brought down by Apollo.

Pour Decisions is probably a song from Pour Taste that didn't make it to Pour Taste. The only reason I think this is because of the use of "pour" instead of "poor". Pour Decisions, Poor Decisions. Pour Taste, Poor Taste. We get the gist. It could also be a reference or expansion on the themes of Pour Taste.

Narcissus could very well be about the narcisssim that Dionysus sees in Apollo and the Olympians. The narcisssim in every god that Dionysus has met. I honestly am blindly throwing darts at a dart board with this one.

Punch Drunk! Because this album was made with Ares, I personally like to think that Dionysus made the song especially with Ares in mind. Another thing with is that before on a silly Instagram post we got this from Georgie

So....I'm right.

Laurel cover which is...a wild decision if my thoughts on Laurel are correct.

I'm not going to discuss Five Way or Baby, Don't Hurt Me because I can't even begin to think what they could possibly be about. Literally the only thing going on in my head when I see those is "baby don't hurt me no more. no more." I think this song would be a lot sadder than that though. I think it could be about how Apollo saved Dionysus even when Dionysus never asked to be saved.

IXII and Hyacinthus, I think go together. IXII is 911. It's an emergency number and....

(Apollo's number is the one saved for emergencies. In case of emergency [ICE]) Also, I'm pretty sure you call 911 for all emergencies (don't come at me, I'm not American) so this song being about Apollo just makes sense in my head. I think it's about calling that one person you can always rely on in an emergency and them always being there despite everything....it's Apollo. Apollo is the one who fulfills that role in Dio's life.

The last song, Hyacinthus.

Again, I think this goes hand in hand with IXII. I think that while IXII talks about Apollo being there, Hyacinthus is the one that talks about never being enough (for Apollo). The song "Hyacinthus", in my opinion, is about someone who've you've always idolised not being happy with you because you're not exactly like the person they idolised.

...I think it's a very fitting theme for SunDrunk.

And, that's it!

[therandomavenger]

Flight of Ideas

A lot of people like to ask writers, and other creative types, ‘Where do you get your ideas?’ And that is, in many ways, the wrong question. I, like many other writers, have a thousand ideas before breakfast (to plagiarize Lewis Carroll). Coming up with ideas is not the problem.

At least, it’s not the problem the way the people who are asking about it mean it. Ideas kind of follow me around like a swarm of butterflies, and it can be an effort to catch one or two of them and put them in my pocket without completely destroying their wings.

Actually, that sounds like a terrible thing to do to butterflies. I regret this metaphor (yes, I know it was technically a simile).

What I mean is the problem has always been too many ideas, not a lack of ideas.

And yes, I know there are some writers who struggle with idea generation. We’ll get to that later. I know I am not speaking for all writers here.

I described this whole ‘butterfly swarm of ideas’ thing to my psychiatrist and one point and he looked at me, really concerned, and adjusted his glasses before dropping this bomb on me: ‘Chad, that sounds like a symptom of mania.’

Oh.

Shit.

He went on to explain, and I did some research on my own, and … welp, he’s right.

Flight of ideas: A rapid speech or mental pattern with abrupt topic changes characterized by loosely connected or unrelated thoughts. Flight of Ideas is commonly observed in manic episodes of bipolar disorder, reflecting a manifestation of disorganized thinking and elevated mood.

–Austin Rausch, MS, LPCC, LICDC

Welp, there’s me told.

And I do tend to have a lot of ideas when I’m entering a manic episode. It’s one of the signs. If I plot out three seven-book fantasy series in one evening, you know a storm’s-a-comin.’ In those cases, I will also throw in a couple of life-changing career or education goals, as well as start focusing on about five home improvement projects. Also, I might decide to launch a podcast? I’ll definitely order all the equipment for it! These things all seem to happen at once.

But I kind of don’t want to see the ideas themselves as the problem. In a manic state, it’s hard to decide which ideas are worth pursuing and which are hot—but entertaining—garbage. But there are always some gems in there, and I wouldn’t want them to go away. I kind of see this is not so much a symptom of mania, but as a gift of mania.

And really, it’s a gift that keeps giving even when my mental state is closer to a healthy baseline. I tend to have a lot of ideas for stories. When I was reading only novels and series, it was novel and series ideas, now it’s just as likely to be shorter ideas, and now that I am in Art school, ideas for visual projects. There’s a lot of them. I’m writing them down in my spare moments. I refuse to see this as a problem.

I sat down one day and wrote down a list of books I wanted to write. These are somewhat developed ideas that I thought were strong enough to be viable. I stopped writing the list when I got to 27.

Now, this isn’t really a problem. Will I write all 27+ of these books? Maybe, maybe not. I mean, time might have a vote in this, but I’m not that old. If I write 3 books a year, which I’ve been doing for the past couple of years (and some of these are novellas) it would only take me 9 years. I’ll barely be 60.

What I’ve decided to do is write some basics outlines for these books and do what I do best: put them on a schedule! Now, my schedule doesn’t have dates on it because that makes me put way too much pressure on myself. My schedule is basically a list. And I have solid plans for the next 7 projects.

               Finish World Enough and Time (current WIP, standalone sci-fi romance novella)

               Write Blood of the Saints (post-apocalyptic standalone fantasy short story/novella)

               Write The Lion and the Sparrow (standalone fantasy novella)

               Write Valley of Storms (Ascension Apocalypse book 2)

               Write Seeds of Hope (standalone sci fi novella)

               Write The Glittering Tomb (The Circle and the Shadow book 2)

               Write Stars Without End (Broken Stars finale)

3 of those projects short. I hope. These are all ideas that I’ve developed to the point that I am ready to start writing them. I have many others in more nascent stages. And clearly, I have not taken the advice that says, ‘Finish 1 series and the move on to the next.’ I know that’s good advice. But my muse has adhd (obviously) so here we are. Also, no traditional publisher in their right mind is going to let me do things in this order, Ursula Vernon/T. Kingfisher’s career notwithstanding. So, thank God that self-publishing is an option.

And this is just the writing. I have Curse of the Onyx Heart (The Circle and the Shadow book 1) basically ready to go as soon as I order the cover. And Beneath the Silent Stars (Broken Stars book 5) will go to the editor in March. I’m hoping World Enough and Time will be ready to publish by November.

So … I have a lot of ideas. I’ve learned how to snag hold of them and develop them to the point that they work as complete stories. I’m learning how to do that with art as well. I refuse to see this as a symptom of mental illness, or if it is, thank God there’s no cure.

As for the people who tell me they struggle to come up with ideas, I don’t have much advice, except to say you need to be absorbing all sorts of stories in various media, and figuring out which ones speak to you and why. That will help you find your own unique voice. You also need to be going out into the world and having Experiences. Work some crappy (but not abusive) jobs. Take a trip that scares you. Fall in love and get your heart broken. There are many experiences that are out there waiting for you and many of them don’t even cost any money. You have some sort of internal antenna that needs to be out, collecting signals, or, if you like this metaphor better, you need to be looking for the butterflies and carrying a net to catch them with. You find what you’re looking for (thanks, reticular activating system!), so if you’re looking for ideas, they will come to you. That may mean you need to change from being a passive observer of what is happening to someone who is always trying to figure things out, and maybe even putting themselves in the middle of the action. Or develop bipolar disorder. That’s what worked for me!

A Flight of ideas might be a symptom, but it is also a gift. And I’m glad that I’ve been given treatments for my mental illness that have not taken this away from me. I would miss it. It feels like a vital part of myself. I don’t know who I would be without it.

[stopeatingwhales]

particles x damon albarn

the lyrics to this song are genuinely so beautiful, like i honestly cannot describe enough how much i adore this song my goodness

Pairing: present day damon x reader

Warnings: none :D

Word count: 1.881

Requested by anon <3

༉‧₊˚✧

It had been two months since I had last seen him. Two whole months since he had set foot in our home; two whole months since he said goodbye to leave for tour. The home that we shared had began to inhabit a sense of eeriness, some nights the walls began to feel as if they were closing in on me, trapping me from any interaction with the outside world, as if to hold me hostage by my own insanity, although other nights the space felt extremely large, almost too big for one person to be able to waste their nights alone in, encapsulating my mind in a constant conflict of obstructive thoughts, forcing me to overthink every tiny detail that was conveyed on the pale stained walls, the wooden floorboards, the arrangement of the furniture, resulting in many a time of me moving around heavy tables and chairs until the image of the room settled my mind’s anxiety. Allowing distance to get in the lines of mine and Damon’s relationship, it was simply uncanny that I was going to miss him; he was the carcass that kept me sane, the being that granted me peace in myself, ease on my mind to prevent such mania from enrapturing my brain, the person that engulfed me into a stupor of adoration and affection that one could never understand the authentic strength until felt - what some perceive as paramour, true love, something so overstimulating that once separated such thing desperation beguiles you to surround yourself with, only a mere sensation of emptiness is all that is felt inside, as if your limbs are damaged, your insides constantly in a state of sickness that you are convinced you’re in need of some form of professional assistance, but it is simply the alchemy, the poison of the apprehension that captivates you from the estrangement from your significant other. Though that wasn’t to say that wasn’t proud of Damon; I embraced fondness and admiration for everything that he did and was so dedicated in doing, his talent and immense knowledge for the art form that speaks to you demonstrated his ability to move millions of people, uniting as one in concerts, all touched from the same, simple string of melodies, proving his true gift and genius that is inside his brain.

I tried to pry my thoughts away from the excitement that had been seeping into my veins from the fact that he was returning home today, in an attempt to focus my mind on whatever had been showing on the television, but there was no use. To be cradled in his arms was all that I had longed, the thought clouding my brain almost every single night that I had thrown my body onto the linen sheets, trying to wrap my body around the duvet to replicate the specific warmth that had enveloped my body when in his arms, his body completely dominating mine, his hands running through my hair gently, apologising with a kiss on the top of my head when he accidentally pulled too roughly, my face buried in his chest as a blush would suddenly creep onto my cheeks, our embrace fulfilling me with a nest of blooming butterflies in my body, a poignant sensation of nervousness and reverence for the man that had me cooped up in his arms, the same feelings that would embody you whilst walking past your first crush during primary school, accidentally brushing your hands against one another’s, sending your mind into overdrive as if to think that the person was the love of your life. Such emotions never left, and I doubted that they ever would; supposing that is true love, he could make me feel like a little girl squealing over her teenage idol because of how perfect he was, just from being himself.

“I’m home, love,” I heard a voice call out in the hallway, accompanied by the soft slam of the front door, the tone of voice lacing a certain amount of raspiness, perhaps from a cigarette that had just been inhaled. My head instantly turned to the door of the living room, eyes settling upon the sight of Damon, who had a small grin curved on his lips, his gaze captured with joy and desire, perhaps from gratification towards the understanding that the tour had finally ended, as well as the fact that he was able to finally see me once again - my expression equally reciprocating his happiness. Instantly jumping from my seat on the couch, I rushed over to him as I threw my arms around him, resting my ear against his chest, listening to the soft pattern of his heartbeat. As usual, his arms wrapped around my figure, tightly embracing my body, the swarm of butterflies breaking out of their cocoons, my limbs growing weak from the recognisable thrill of affection that I had desired for far too long, and had sadly not received. Feeling his lips grazing against the top of my head made my mind go fuzzy, my cheeks flushing a heat that made me feel as if I was under the beating warmth of the sun during the summer months. This is what he does to me. “How’ve you been darling? I see you’ve rearranged the place, again.” he mumbled into my head of hair, my mind still relishing in the pleasure of being in his arms again.

“I’ve missed you,” I replied, reluctantly pulling my arms away from the embrace, in order to gawk at him. A gentle chuckle rumbled from his throat, though his features accentuated pity, understanding how I must’ve felt being away from him for so long. Lightly taking hold of one of his hands, I dragged his arm, guiding him to the sofa, where both of us sat next to each other. “You were gone for so long!”

“I know love, I’ve missed you so much,” he replied, squeezing my hand in reassurance. “At least I’m not gone for any longer though.” he added, his lips curving slightly as I nodded, a similar grin planted on my lips.

“How was the tour then?” I asked, pulling his arm to wrap it around my shoulders, my body already aching for more attachment to him. “The videos I’ve seen online made it look very good.”

“It was great, honestly. Loved every bit of it.” he replied, the grip on my shoulder tightening as he attempted to haul me closer to him. Humming in agreement, I placed my head on his shoulder, cradling the moment we shared together, the moment that I had imagined and adorned each and every night he was absent, cherishing every single time that he was able to be in my presence. I depended on him greatly, as did he, and though that may be a toxic strand which can only result in turmoil; our appreciation for one another held such poise that it would draw us closer together each and every time we had conjoined together after months of being separated. “I’ve actually got something to show you.” he added, shifting from our hug and slowly stepping to his feet, taking his hand in mine, his soft but coarse palms gripping onto mine ever so slightly, urging me to stand up too. “Come with me.”

Following him closely, we headed towards his studio. I had forgotten the last time that I had set foot in it; usually I would leave Damon to work on his craft alone, since having me prance around messing with all sorts of instruments and controls wasn’t going to provide much assistance. As well as that, sitting in the room, knowing that he was away and would be for many days on, would only make me yearn for his presence more, which is the last of what I would need when not being able to fall asleep. Though whenever he would call me into the room, he would always show me the most beautifully crafted symphony, in which he would perform it so effortlessly, as if it was simply created from the top of his head at that moment. Talent like his was so scarce; it would only prove to me that it’s something you are gifted with at birth, like an extremely high intelligence quotient - he always had ideas running through his mind, melodies that would be formed from a simple tap of the table in front of him. It was a wonder in the fact that he seemingly never got burned out with creating music, it was evidently his passion, and it touched me that he would constantly ask me for my opinion on his music, as it always resonated with him, always held such importance.

When we walked inside the studio, I followed him to the grand piano that was standing by the corner of the room. I kept my body upright, behind him, as he pulled out the black stool underneath, moving it back slightly in order for him to sit on it. “Over the tour, I had some free time, so I wrote this song, it’s called Particles,” he began, his voice quiet, as if it were intertwined with a certain anxiousness about what he was about to perform. “It’s still a work in progress, but I wanted to know what you thought of it.”

As I admired his fingers softly grazing the elegant, pale keys of the piano, the melody that in which played forth me instantaneously sufficed me in a trance, bewilderment encompassing my my mind as I listened to the sounds of the alluring chords echo throughout the room, bounce off the walls, the waves of noise crafting mountainous regions of goosebumps to prickle on the bare skin exposed from my forearms. Sculpted with such elegance and formality, my mouth fell agape as he played with such ease - in that significant moment, I was subdued to his music, hypnotised into his magnificence; I could do nothing, absolutely nothing, except admire the grace that fell from his lips once he started singing. As I allowed my gaze to drift onto his face, I gawked at his demeanour, his eyes almost screwed shut, his face almost frozen in place as his body rocked back and forth to the melody that was omitted from the piano. Every word, every string of lines carried a lugubrious essence to it, a tone laced with such beautification; obvious that there were deeper implications behind said lyrics. Each line that escaped his throat exemplified the nature of what earnest fervour, authentic devotion and expertise can embody. Such melody, paired with his voice embodied with pure ethereality, as if I was being greeted by a herd of the most quaint angels, welcoming my soul into the seven heavens. A beam crawled onto my lips, my heart thumping at a million miles per hour from the amount of love I carried in my body for the man in front of me.

Once the song ended, a moment was held in the atmosphere of mere silence, as if to take in all that was felt, all that had vibrated through the sound waves and blessed my ears. Shifting his body so he could connect eyes with me, a gentle, welcoming smile tugged on his lips. “That’s for you.”

[brajeshupadhyay]

A man who became manic after being infected with coronavirus got so delirious he confessed to his wife that he used to have sex with men, doctors have revealed.  The unidentified 41-year-old, who was treated at St Thomas’ Hospital in London, also became ‘highly aroused’ and uninhibited, questioning and inappropriately touching nurses tasked with treating him. He also became obsessed with ‘grandiose ideas’ and tried to smear water on fellow patients as if he were baptising them, medics said in a bizarre case report. The man was sick with a cough and fever for 10 days before he ended up in hospital and tested positive for Covid-19, which doctors believe triggered unusual symptoms. He eventually had to be sectioned under the Mental Health Act because he became so out of control. Describing the experience in his own words after recovering as ‘fascinating’, the man said he thought he was ‘trying to help the doctors as much as I could’. He added: ‘I began to think that I was part of a TV show, in which I was sent back from the future to save the NHS, and I was curious to see how this would end.’   The doctors said it was possible his episode was the first sign of a condition such as bipolar disorder — but did not diagnose him with that and instead put it down to the coronavirus despite admitting they can’t prove it for certain. One mental health expert told MailOnline it is well documented that immune system reactions can affect the brain and trigger mania such as what the man suffered, calling his episode ‘bizarre but not extreme’. There is growing evidence that Covid-19 can affect the brain and nervous system in various ways, the most common of which is losing the sense of smell and taste.  There is growing evidence that the coronavirus, and the body’s immune response to it, can affect the brain and trigger mental health symptoms (stock image of a brain scan)  Writing in the BMJ Case Reports medical journal, Dr Jamie Mawhinney and colleagues said: ‘This is, to the best of our knowledge, the first report of an acute episode of mania or psychosis as a result of SARS-CoV-2 infection.’ The man went to A&E in the early hours of the morning at the London hospital where Prime Minister Boris Johnson was treated for Covid-19.  He had woken in the middle of the night feeling like his ‘brain was racing’ and telling his wife he thought he would die, doctors reported. He had told his wife about sex he had had with men, ‘mostly’ before they were married, which she had never heard him talk about before. The man also confessed to other ‘uncharacteristic’ sexual behaviours and became uninhibited and acted inappropriately while in the hospital.  In the report the doctors said: ‘He was loud and highly aroused with sexual disinhibition and overfamiliar behaviour, inappropriately questioning and touching members of staff.  ‘His speech was pressured, and his mood subjectively and objectively elevated.  ‘His thoughts were grandiose with persecutory elements, and he had persistent strong religious ideas, manifestations of which included attempts to anoint fellow patients with water.  ‘He also obsessively wrote down every personal interaction and bodily sensation. He said he found this experience “liberating”.’ The man’s behaviour became so uncontrollable he had to be sedated and was transferred to intensive care and supported with ventilation. Investigations confirmed that he was positive for SARS-CoV-2 – the virus which causes Covid-19 – but the virus was not found in his spinal fluid, which would have proved it was in his central nervous system and could have travelled to the brain. After 24 hours on ventilation, he was moved to a ward where his coronavirus symptoms lessened, but mental state remained abnormal. COVID-19 CAUSES DELIRIUM AND STROKE IN ‘HIGHER THAN EXPECTED’ PATIENTS  Infection with the coronavirus can cause delirium, stroke and nerve damage in ‘a higher than expected number of patients’, a study has found. Experts from University College London have reported a ‘concerning increase’ amid the pandemic of a rare brain inflammation known to be triggered by viral infections. Typically seen in children, acute disseminated encephalomyelitis — or ‘ADEM’, for short — affects the both the brain and spinal cord. The condition — which can follow on from minor infections such as colds — sees immune cells activated to attack the fatty protective coating that covers nerves. The researchers have warned that clinicians need to be aware of the risk of neurological effects to help early diagnoses and improve patient outcomes. ‘We identified a higher than expected number of people with neurological conditions such as brain inflammation,’ said paper author and consultant neurologist Michael Zandi of the University College London. The appearance of these conditions, he added, ‘did not always correlate with the severity of respiratory symptoms.’ ‘We should be vigilant and look out for these complications in people who have had COVID-19.’ ‘Whether we will see an epidemic on a large scale of brain damage linked to the pandemic — perhaps similar to the encephalitis lethargica outbreak in the 1920s and 1930s after the 1918 influenza pandemic — remains to be seen.’ The researchers also found that other neurobiological complications — including delirium, stroke and nerve damage — appear to be associated with coronavirus. In their study, Dr Zandi and colleagues studied 43 patients — aged from 16-85 — with both neurological symptoms and either confirmed or suspected COVID-19 that were treated at the National Hospital for Neurology and Neurosurgery in London. According to the researchers, many of the patients did not experience any of the respiratory symptoms often associated with the coronavirus. Among the cohort, the team identified 10 cases of temporary brain dysfunction with delirium, eight cases of strokes and eight cases with nerve damage. There were also 12 cases of brain inflammation — with nine of such patients being diagnosed with ADEM. Under normal circumstances, the London-based team said that they would only see around one adult patient with ADEM per month, on average — but that this figure has increased to at least one patient per week amid the pandemic.  Further studies are needed to identify exactly why some COVID-19 patients are developing neurological complications, the researchers concluded. ‘By day eight, his behaviour had escalated further culminating in a security call and emergency sedation for the safety of himself, the ward staff and other patients,’ the report said.   Psychiatric assessment found features consistent with acute mania – a state of extreme energy and arousal which can be euphoric but lead to violence – and he was detained under the Mental Health Act.   Mania is often conceived as a mirror image to depression, with the two moods associated with bipolar disorder.  The man was transferred to an psychiatric hospital and commenced on regular olanzapine – used to treat schizophrenia and certain types of bipolar disorder. Twelve days after being sectioned, the patient’s mania finally subsided and he was discharged. Reflecting on his experience, the man said: ‘I was taken to hospital on the 4th April with what I would describe as the worst headache of my life. At this time, I had been suffering with the symptoms of Covid-19 for over a week. ‘I was in hospital for a total of 20 days with psychosis and mania, which I experienced as fascinating.  ‘This may seem strange from an outside perspective, but I was, in my mania, trying to help the doctors as much as I could, while at the same time trying to make sense of my condition. ‘For my family and friends it was frightening. Luckily, they had a lot of support from each other, and from the great team of doctors at St. Thomas hospital.’ On follow-up, doctors revealed the man was slowly being weaned off antipsychotics while his wife said he is now back to ‘his baseline level of function’. The doctors said they couldn’t rule out the first manic episode of bipolar disorder – which the patient’s sister had been diagnosed with previously.  But it was clear the drastic changes in behaviours started at the same time as his tell-tale coronavirus symptoms. Professor Anthony S. David, director at the University College London Institute of Mental Health and author of ‘Into the Abyss: a neuropsychiatrists notes on troubled minds’, told MailOnline the man’s condition was ‘bizarre but actually not so extreme’ He said: ‘Psychiatrists talk about hypomania – a mild form of mania with elevated mood and feeling “high” – but mania proper includes delusions, typically grandiose, e.g. that one is god or has special powers, talking very fast, spending money and being disinhibited sexually. So this is what mania looks like. ‘Mania can be triggered by stress, lack of sleep, physical illness, drugs etc – but you have to have a predisposition. This man’s family history is probably relevant.’ He said that doctors are seeing growing numbers of neurological symptoms of Covid-19, but that they usually seemed to be caused by the immune system, rather than the virus itself getting into the brain – although this was possible, too. Professor David added: ‘Fever on its own disrupts thinking and could be enough to tip someone over into mania, if they were predisposed. A change in sleep-wake cycle is another cause.  ‘The immune system can affect the brain – that is why we all feel generally yuck when we have an infection, even if the infection is in another part of the body. Inflammatory chemicals and cells circulate and some can affect the brain.  ‘The more specific effect – which is rare but well recognised following other viruses – is that an immune response is triggered and the antibodies end up attacking the person’s brain in an effort to kill the virus – sort of “collateral damage”.  ‘Depending where the damage is concentrated, this can cause delusions as well as affecting consciousness, memory etcetera.’ He said some medications being used to treat coronavirus, such as steroids, are known to cause mania and psychosis. The man is not known to have been receiving treatment before his episode began, however.        Doctors pointed out Covid-19 manifests in a number of ways affecting multiple systems – including the central nervous system (CNS). The coronavirus enters human cells by latching onto ACE-2 receptors on the surface. Although the lungs are the key site for expressing ACE-2 in the body, it is also found in endothelial cells in the brain. This may provide a route into the CNS.  Previous reports have linked SARS-CoV-2 in the development of viral encephalitis – inflammation of the brain causing delirium, changes in personality and confusion. Yesterday University College London revealed study findings that the coronavirus can cause delirium, stroke and nerve damage in ‘a higher than expected number of patients’. Experts from University College London have reported a ‘concerning increase’ amid the pandemic of a rare brain inflammation known to be triggered by viral infections. Of the patients they studied with altered brain function, none had detectable levels of the coronavirus in the brain or spinal fluid – much like the 41-year-old case report. This, they explained, suggests that the virus did not directly cause the neurological symptoms and that some complications of COVID-19 ‘might come from [one’s] immune response, rather than the virus itself.’  They said it ‘remains to be seen’ if the pandemic causes an epidemic of brain damage.  The post Delirious coronavirus-infected man confesses to his wife that he used to have sex with men appeared first on Shri Times.

http://sansaartimes.blogspot.com/2020/07/delirious-coronavirus-infected-man.html

[castrosamrx]

The Female Brain

Last time I was here I wrote about “The Happiness Hypothesis” by Johann Hari (read below). This time I am going to write about Louann Brizendine’s (M.D.) “The Female Brain”.

In the initial courting phase of romance, men are often the chasers and women are the choosers. Darwin once noted that males from all species are made for wooing females, and females typically choose from among their suiters. The brain has an architecture of love engineered by the reproductive winners in evolution. The truth is, we are much more predictable than we think. Over thousands of years, our brains have developed a system for choosing the healthiest mates. I know what some of you are thinking. “I think my brain might not have downloaded those files.” I can relate. According to Dr. Brizendine, some of the attributes that a women’s brain is consciously or subconsciously looking for in a partner are: resources (not only monetarily but resources in time investment) and commitment. Lessons learned by our early ancestors are deeply encoded in our modern brains. These can be described as love circuits that are present by the time we are born, and activated at puberty by “fast-acting cocktails of neurochemicals. It is an elegant system.” Our brains make assessments (yes I used that word, you know who you are :p) about a potential partner and if he/she fits our ancestral wish list, we get a surge of chemicals that intoxicate our brains and focus our attention on this subject that fits our minds archetype. 

We fall in love or infatuation and it is the first step down the ancient pair-bonding path. Inside our cranium is a stone age brain (no offense). More than 99% of our millions of years of existence have been spent living in primitive conditions. Our brains have adapted to solve the problems that early humans encountered. One of the most important challenges that early humans faced was reproduction. Not only having children but ensuring that those children survived long enough to perpetuate their genes. Those whose mating choices produced surviving generations succeeded in passing on the circuitry that we have in our modern brains today. According to Evolutionary Psychologist David Buss, women worldwide look for the same ideal qualities when selecting a long term mate. For over 5 years Buss studied the mate preferences of more than 10 thousand participants from over 37 cultures around the world. From Germans, Taiwanese, Mbuti pygmies to Aleut Eskimos. What he discovered was that in every culture women are less concerned with a potential suiter’s visual appearance and more interested in his material resources and social status. Even women at the highest levels of economic and social status (able to provide for themselves and their partners) preferred partners who were able to provide, contribute and match them in status. Buss found that in all 37 cultures females held these attributes in high regard much more than their male counterparts. Researchers have also found that women choose mates who are on average 4 inches taller and 3.5 years older. Statistically, these female mate preferences appear to be universal. Based on these findings “scientists have concluded that they are part of the inherited architecture of the female’s mate choice system and are presumed to serve a significant purpose.” According to Robert Trivers a pioneering Evolutionary Biologist at Rutgers University, This overall system for mate selection is a savvy investment strategy. 

When it comes to love, the investment made on the part of a woman is often much greater than that of the male. Males can impregnate a woman with one act of intercourse and walk away. Women, on the other hand, are left with 36-42 weeks of pregnancy, “the perils of childbirth, months of breastfeeding, and the daunting task of trying to ensure that child’s survival.” it makes sense they would have evolved to choose a partner that is likely to stick around and contribute beyond that initial act. Another blog could be written on the dilemma of choosing partners based on attraction vs reliability. The age-old debate of Mr/Mrs right vs Mr/Mrs right now. I have a lot to say about that but we have to land this plane relatively soon! Also, let me voice the fact that I’m a little uncomfortable speaking to the female experience. I am relying on the diligent research provided by Dr. Louann Brizendine (M.D.) I am excited to hear the feedback I get from all my smart friends and readers. 

Ok, so what do men want. According to Buss, something completely different. Worldwide men are more interested in having physically attractive wives between the ages of 20-40 who are an average of 2.5 years younger than them. They want potential long term mates to have clear skin, bright eyes, full lips, shiny hair, and curvy hourglass figures. These attributes hold true in all the cultures that were studied. This seems to indicate that it is part of men’s hard-wired inheritance from their ancient forefathers. As superficial as this sounds, one explanation for this is that men (consciously or unconsciously) are choosing based on indications of female fertility and the biggest reproductive payoff for their investment. Evolutionary Psychology states that over millions of years male brain wiring evolved to scan for visual cues for fertility. Age, health, activity level, gait, symmetry, skin, hair, lips “it’s no wonder women are reaching for the plumping affects of lip injections” (plug: https://holdentimelessbeauty.com/) lip pop! by my friend and colleague Dr. Holden. Social reputation proved to be a factor for males in their mate selection. A desire to ensure paternity and reliance on a woman’s mothering skills to ensure successful offspring long term. 

Some anthropologists speculate that natural selection favored males who were good at deceiving women and getting them to agree to have sex. In turn, females had to get even better at spotting male lies and exaggerations and the female brain is now well adapted to this task. By adulthood, females have developed a superior ability to read emotional nuance in tone of voice, eye gaze, and facial expressions. Honesty is always the best policy mates. She apparently has an ancient and evolutionarily developed lie detector that we do not possess. I can vouch for it too. 

A final word on love. Beware! Neuroscience research has shown that once a person is in love, the amygdala (the brain’s fear alert system) and the anterior singlet cortex (the brain’s worrying and critical thinking system) are turned way down, sharing many similarities with the effects on the brain of someone taking ecstasy. The cautious critical thinking pathways in the brain are also shut down. According to Dr. Brizendine, falling in love is one of the most irrational behaviors or brain states for both men and women. The brain becomes illogical and blind to the shortcomings of their lover. This brain state shares brain circuits with states of obsession, mania, intoxication, thirst, and hunger. The parts of the brain that become activated in this state match those seen in drug addiction. This is why I think breakups can be so devastating and the possible topic of my next blog!  We did it! You made it to the end! Please leave a message or thought if you’d like to join the conversation! 

                                                     References

               Brizendine, L. (2009). The female brain. London: Bantam.

[mommasgotbpd15]

Forgive me, this is LONG.

Mental Illness facts and figures

This all started as an intervention, which turned into a research paper because I’m so passionate about advocating for those who suffer from mental illnesses. Thanks for reading.

 As someone who suffers from many mental conditions discussed in this report, I wrote this in hopes of spreading true awareness of the conditions themselves and statistics related to them.

 Some of the biggest obstacles of seeking psychiatric treatment are admitting you need help, and adequate access to the care and treatment. If you or someone you love is experiencing a mental health crisis, such as suicidal or homicidal thoughts, please call the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255, 911 or go to the nearest emergency department. Remember, seeking help is nothing to be ashamed of.

             Did you know that suicide is the #10 cause of death in the U.S? Or that it is the #2 cause of death among individuals aged 10 to 34 years of age? Mental illnesses is responsible for 1 in 8 emergency care visits, with mood disorders being the most common reason for hospitalization, regardless of if it is voluntary (201) or involuntary (302,303,304). As of April 2019, the world’s population was 7.7 billion. Of those 7.7 billion, 47.6, or 1 in every 5, suffer from a mental illness; with 29.1 million individuals experiencing major depressive disorder or other serious conditions. It is also reported that 43% of adults experience suicidal ideations or planning, and another 17 million adults have experienced at least one major depressive episode within the past year.

           There are many myths surrounding depression and other mental illness. It is often thought that depression is a situational disorder, triggered by sad or stressful occurences in life, however it is not. Depression is a chronic and clinical illness, not just a mood or feeling. It is a disorder that affects how your brain works, not just a thought or feeling. Similar to Alzheimer’s and dementia, it affects your memory. Treatment of depression is a complex process, and it is not one size fits all. What works for one person, may not work for another; medications are odten a requirement for those suffering with a mental condition and should not be considered “an easy way out”. The stigma associated with mental illness is known as sanism.

           In the spring of 2019, Max Guttman presented an statement that decriminalizing mental illness requires a new approach that includes clear and factual definitions of what a psychiatric condition is or is not, what it may or may not imply, and what it does and does not do.

           A psychiatric diagnosis is a cluster of symptoms seen in the general population included under a diagnostic label, and code called an HCC. They describe the thinking process and behavioral patterns seen in a specific diagnosis, that imply that an individual requires specific and tailored help concerning a specific problematic thought and behavior pattern. Psychiatric diagnosis, however, is not a comprehensive understanding of an individual, and their needs. It also cannot define what someone intends to do at any given time and will not predict the beautiful and varied actions and thoughts of an individual; you are not a criminal, you are a human being.

           There are many different psychiatric diagnoses, and the symptoms often overlap. This is called comorbidity; where as 2 or more mood disorders occur at the same time. Schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, bipolar depression also known as manic depression, and dissociative disorders are the most commonly occurring, with personality disorders occurring much less often. An example of a common comorbidity is schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder. Individuals with schizoaffective disorder are often misdiagnosed with solely bipolar or schizophrenia because schizoaffective disorder is much more rare than the latter, and requires more care than other disorders.

           Schizoaffective disorder commonly presents the same symptoms as schizophrenia, such as hallucinations and delusions, as well as symptoms of a mood disorder such as mania which is described as periods of extreme highs, or depression which is a series of extreme lows. Presentations varies from person to person, as some will experience hallucinations and or delusions with mania, such as switching quickly from topic to topic and responding inappropriately, making risky decisions in regards to behavior and action,and giving responses that are completely unrelated to the topic at hand. Others will experience depression as well as hallucinations and delusions, resulting in extreme lethargy, acting uninterested in people or activities, feeling hopeless, and suicidal thoughts.

Often, you will hear people say “people with bipolar are moody” because they do not understand the process of the brain when affected by bipolar. Bipolar disorder does not cause mood swings, contrary to popular belief, but instead it causes cycles of mania and depression usually lasting several weeks and even years at times. This disorder causes episodes of mania, including all actions listed in the previous paragraph, as well as excessive energy, rampant thoughts, and inability to sleep. Individuals often experience a slow transition from mania to depression, which includes inability to concentrate and suicidal thoughts. Unlike the popular misconception, this disorder does not cause moods to shift rapidly, rather the types of episode take turns. In the united states alone, 5 million individuals suffer from bipolar.                                              Personality disorders make it hard for an individual to relate to others in healthy ways, therefore they experience difficulties forming relationships. Antisocial personality, one example of a personality disorder, often bully others and cause harm, with no remorse. Borderline Personality disorder (BPD), causes extreme anxiety and fear of being abandoned. Those suffering from BPD feel emotions intensely due to inability to regulate them, therefore it is harder for those individuals to return to a stable baseline after an emotionally triggering event, and the end of an episode. The cause of BPD are not fully understood, but scientists are in agreement that it is attributed to a combinations of factors, including genetics, environmental influences and brain function or lack thereof. It is believed that the emotional regulation system is different than those without BPD, suggesting there is a neurological basis for its symptoms.                         Many individuals who suffer from BPD are often diagnosed with a dissociative disorder along with BPD. The symptoms of dissociative disorders piggy back off of BPD, meaning that because they are experiencing things so intensely, it is easy for them to “opt out” of reality and be unaware of their surroundings and things going on in the world around them.

Many psychiatric conditions can reach a stage of remission, with the use of medications and several other forms pf therapy. The most common form of drug used in the treatment of these conditions are called reuptake inhibitors. Reuptake is the process by which neurotransmitters are naturally reabsorbed into nerve cells after they are released to send messages between nerve cells. There are three different types of Reuptake Inhibitors: SSRI, SNRI, AND NDRI.                                                      SSRI represents drugs called Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. This is the class where you can find the commonly prescribed antidepressants such as Celexa, Lexapro, and Zoloft.           SNRI represents drugs called Serotonin and Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors.  These drugs are newer types of antidepressants including Cymbalta, Effexor, Khedezla,, Fetiza, and Pristiq. These drugs not only block the reuptake of serotonin, but also the reuptake of norepinephrine too.                                                                                                                                    NDRI represents Norepinephrine and Dopamine Reuptake Inhibitors. This class only contains one drug, known as Wellbutrin (bupropion). Wellbutrin has also be known to aid in the cessation of using nicotine products.                                                                                                     Along with the drugs listed above there is also drugs known as Tetracyclics and SARIs. Tetracyclics include Ascendin (asamoxapine), Ludimol (maprotiline), and Remeron (mirtazapine). SARIs or Serotonin Antagonist and Reuptake Inhibitors act in two ways. They prevent the reuptake of serotonin, but also prevent dopamine particles from binding at unintended receptors and redirects them to help mood nerve cells within mood circuts. These include Serozone and Trazadone.                                                                                                                                                        In addition to antidepressants, individuals may be prescribed a drug called a Mood Stabilizer. These are drugs which treat mania and depressive episodes, and are also commonly prescribed as anticonvulsants, such as Carbamazepine, Lamitcal (lamotrigine) and Depakene.

           A drug called an Antipsychotic which is a drug used to treat symptoms of psychosis, are also commonly prescribed among those with mental conditions, and may be taken in conjunction with mood stabilizers, or taken alone. The most common antipsychotic drugs are Abilify, Vraylar, Seroquel (Quetiapine), and Zyprexa.                                                                                                                     For those who suffer sleep problems in conjunction with or as a result of psychiatric conditions and bipolar symptoms will often be prescribed a drug called a Benzodiazepines, such as Xanax, Valium, Klonopin, and Ativan. Benzodiazepines have sedating qualities and may slow your brains activity enough that you can sleep.                                                                                             The common side effects of all of these drugs can range from mild to severe. Nausea, sexual dysfunction, and weight gain can be somewhat easily resolved. More severe side effects such as liver or kidney damage may be irreversible and even fatal.                                                                            The biggest obstacles in getting psychiatric treatment are admitting you need help despite fear of being judged or labeled, and adequate access to care and treatment.                                                    I can personally attest that it is absolutely terrifying to be presented to a team of doctors and nurses, especially in the midst of a psychotic episode. Treatment is trial and error, or a learning curve in learning what your diagnosis entails and how to treat it. Even more terrifying is the stigma the public has associated with mental illness. We are not “dangerous”, “crazy” or “criminals”. We are normal people. If you are involuntarily committed (302) like I was, you lose the privilege to own guns. Did I miss the part where I killed someone? We are made to feel as though we are wrong for being human and experiencing normal feelings when in reality those who judge us are in the wrong.                                                                                                                                                          We need to end the stigma and normalize and decriminalize being mentally ill and seeking help. Imagine how many lives can be saved just by having a simple conversation. We are human and we should be treated as such.                                                                                                                  I wrote this paper in hopes that even just one more person has a better understanding of the things mental illness mean for someone suffering one, and open the floor up for conversations about how you are feeling, symptoms you are experiencing and any abnormal thoughts such as suicidal or homicidal thoughts you may experience. YOU can make a difference in someone’s life, just by asking them what is going on in their head at any given moment. They may be reluctant to open up to you, but once they do, they will be happy the did. You must treat the thoughts and feelings they express to you as confidential information unless they are posing a serious threat to themselves or others around them.

[rockofeye]

(Suicide talk follows..)

It has been a curious week, in many different ways. Watching suicide play out in the public eye is always sort of odd, but it has been especially out of the ordinary this week. It bumps up against a lot of things for me, as a priest, as an artist, and as someone who got a little too handsy with death in the past.

Based on the public response, Anthony Bourdain was special. If he had died of natural causes, I think there would have been a similar outpouring of public sadness but the shock and disbelief would be missing. When we die old in our beds or after an illness, it’s expected that eventually our bodies wear out and become too tired to function anymore. It seems that it is a different matter when our brains or non-physical hearts wear out, and doubly so when it is someone that is held in cultural esteem.

It has been difficult and unexpectedly poignant to watch the reactions that are ‘but he didn’t seem depressed’ and ‘he was so brilliant/successful’. Yes, he was an utterly brilliant writer, orator, and probably a brilliant chef, and was pretty successful at all of those things. Maybe he was depressed, maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he went on a terrible bender and it ended this way. I don’t know, and likely no one really does.

What I do know is that I know an artist when I see one, and I know what the interior life of an artist can be like. Most artists that I know, no matter what medium we work in, are tortured souls. I think artists have a unique ability to carry and store pain like camels. We hold it and hold it and hold it and in the moments where it is too painful (or, let's be real, we have a deadline..), we rip open those wound-bags and bleed it all over our chosen medium and make something that either has financial gain or satisfies the compulsion to just make something and get what is inside out. If you have ever watched a painter or a sculptor or an artist with a stick of charcoal in their hand at work, it is a moment of cerebral bleeding and utter focus. Our hands just move and time stands still and something is born from this interior cauldron of suck and bullshit. It is it's own form of mania, concentrated down into color and/or form, often delivered in silence, or perceived silence even if music is screaming in the background.

In some ways, it is a spiritual experience that defies explaining. How do you describe knowing how to conjure something up from some paint on a canvas or graphite on a page and make it reflect what you see behind your eyes? It’s more than skill; rote skill can be taught but instinct and inspiration cannot. The process is both external and internal in that it requires a special key be slotted into a unique lock slotted into your brain, and turning it to open the door takes a piece of your soul that you can never retrieve. You spend the rest of your creative life looking for that piece of your soul and translating that grasping into something that quenches the unending thirst to make and create. As artists, we understand ourselves when we can see a reflection in medium shaped by our hands.

When I would watch Anthony Bourdain on one of his shows--especially his more recent stuff when he had slipped the corporate leash--that is what I saw. I know it was largely scripted, but the pieces that were casual and how he carried those scripted parts forth were tortured and bloody and straight from the wound-bags that an artist carries. He wrote his scripting by hand in notebooks. He was an artist, and lived that interior artist life. He spent about 220 days out of 365 looking for that missing piece of his soul, and poured hours of words onto page to translate the experience of always being on the move, always consuming, always living without firm roots.

Artists burn. The most productive and creative times in my life were the times when I suffered most. I would sit in my room, put on something noisy in the background, and put my head down and lay down pencil and paint until the sun came up or I couldn't keep my eyes open, whichever came first. I would paint and think about what no longer existing would be like. Like, if everything just stopped for me and I blipped out like a faulty tv signal or, when things were really bad, what it would be like to just jerk the steering wheel to the left while gunning down the state highway and slam myself into the side of an 18 wheeler. I think, in retrospect, I was very lucky and/or blessed that, at those times in my life, there were no real cataclysmic life events or I might have done it. When I was in those places, I never told anyone about it, ever.

Interestingly, during or after those times in my life, I would get rid of all that work I had done. It would get left behind when I moved or thrown away or whatever, it just wouldn't come with me. I don't have a large body of work because of this. I left a pile of complete and half complete pieces in a shoebox of a rented room when I left for Haiti the first time. Sometimes I wonder where they ended up. In the trash? Does someone living there have them hanging up with the rest of lost art that had been acquired by the apartment over multiple lifetimes of multiple residents?

I noticed that Bourdain did something similar. It's hard to totally leave something behind when it's in bookstores or archived on Netflix, but he would distance himself from his previous work when the next project was on his plate. I think he would have preferred to leave behind Kitchen Confidential and never have published the cookbook narrative about hia daughter. Sometimes you don't want to look at what your life vomited up.

I think people are reacting the way they are because he was such a brilliant artist who showed up in such an unusual medium--how many artists have a medium of food that translates into compelling film-tv? He was so unusual in that respect that I think it left folks unable to pinpoint why they found him so compelling. If he had painted or only written books, it would be understood and his death would have been translated as we translate the self-directed deaths of a great artists: he was too brilliant to stay anchored. Maybe that's true.

And so here we are. I have been thinking about Gede a lot today, and what he might have to say about death created by our own hands. I think we conceptualize Gede as a family of spirits that ignores the realities of life and instead goes for the party, and that’s not nearly the whole picture. He knows what human pain is, and he weeps when his children can’t stand up under pain any longer. He knows what it is to suffer, and at times he suffers, too. Gede also knows the value of choice, and so choices are what we make and he finds us on the other side of the outcomes (or not). I know personally that he, when there is an option and a need to live, can go to the mat to keep that person out of the grave. I think he mourns when life is too much to continue to live, and yet also looks at things with a pragmatism that only death can bring.

I hope Bourdain went out in what felt like a blaze of glory for him. I hope he was super inebriated and didn’t feel a thing. I hope his soul rests now, free of whatever made a self-made death seem the most beneficial. I hope that, after a rest, he views things with that special death-pragmatism and finds the next best things.

[shark-myths]

4. wilson (expensive mistakes)

part 4 of shark-myth’s mania meta series

so even though there are a few posts of preliminary screaming about this song already (here and here), I haven’t done a proper crawl through the lyrics yet! hold onto your butts, kids. here we go.

Wilson is named for the volleyball in Castaway who is Tom Hanks’ best friend and sole companion as he sloooowly sinks into madness. The bond is imaginary, created entirely in Hanks’ head out of his desperation. There is no hope of the relationship ever being reciprocal—Wilson, by definition, cannot participate in it the way Hanks would want him to. Isn’t that an interesting choice of dynamics to frame this particular song with? ISN’T IT. The initial assumption I made on was that Pete was the Castaway (Pete with his endless endless ENDLESS way down south stuff, Pete with his introducing the song as ‘this is about the person you want to run away to a desert island with’). but later, when we get the video, that perspective shifts: it is Patrick holding the volleyball, Patrick from whom Wilson is violently ripped away in the Beyond the Video.

pair that with the soundplay-over-wordplay quality of certain verses of this song and the mentions of being drunk (which as quite rare in the FOB discography, but quite plentiful in the solo Stump discography), and I think Patrick had more of a hand in writing these lyrics than usual. (oh my god I promise that was an ACCIDENTAL youngblood pun.) I think that there is some sharing of voice, here: some of these verses are from Pete’s perspective, and some of them are from Patrick’s. sonically and thematically, as I have argued before, I anchor this song firmly in the 09 era, around the time of I Don’t Care (this song’s twin, I think) and the hiatus.

the song opens immediately with some classic p. steezy lyrical markers: stutter-singing and emphasis/rhyme by repetition.

 I was I was I was I was Gonna say something that would solve all our problems But then I got drunk and I forgot what I was talking about I forgot what I was talking about

If the lyric was got high, I’d think Pete wrote it. But it’s not, and I think this bit is Patrick. It’s the feeling of being the one with the power to say the one thing that would fix it all, but losing your nerve, or fucking up your intention. What could Patrick have said in 2009 that would have fixed every problem faced by the band, by he and Pete in particular? here you are in shark-myth’s creepy museum of queer conspiracy, so I think you know what I’m going to say. I love you. Patrick could have said Pete, I love you too.

and god. wasn’t it a mistake, not to? didn’t it cost them—everything?

Don't you, don't you, don't you know

There's nothing more cruel than to be loved by everybody

There's nothing more cruel than to be loved by everybody but you

Than to be loved by everybody but you, but you

this verse is pure Pete. Pete Wentz, adored and loathed in equal parts, jumping his own fucking shark in 2009, a media mogul and a reality star and our punching bag and our golden son all at once. (aside: even in their February 2018 interview in UPSET magazine, Pete still expressed that he’d rather be hated than ignored. this explains so much about pete wentz.) And all he fucking wants is for Patrick to love him, and he can make the rest of the world hang on his every word, and it doesn’t mean a fucking thing to him. Patrick is what he wants, what he can’t have. and it’s so fucking cruel.

If I could get my shit together I'm gonna run away and never see any of you again Never see any of you again

This is pure way-down-south escapism. I’ve got a whole post about it, linked above, if you want to hear more about that. It’s very consistent with 2009, and fits well as a line of thinking that preluded the hiatus.

I hope the roof flies off and I get blown out into space I always make such expensive mistakes I know it's just a number but you're my 8th wonder I'll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

This verse is definitely Pete’s voice. We’ve got the pop culture Wes Anderson quote, the pop culture Addams Family quote, and the sharp, clever wordplay to prove it. Pete loves Wes Anderson, and very specifically, this quote from Moonrise Kingdom is pulled from a movie about two oddball kids against the rest of the world who decide to run away from their mundane, misunderstood lives in the name of their true love. their love and relationship is very underdeveloped in the film, very adolescent, very becoming; it serves as an echo and an amplifier of each kid’s sense of not fitting in, of isolation. They choose each other as the miracle solution, the cure, to that isolation; an adult looking at their escape plan sees the futility of it: running away with someone else, someone who is totally untested in love, someone you have made into this huge lifechanging idol in your head but you don’t know very well in real life? they’re going to disappoint you. you’re going to get to mexico and you’re going to find yourself, and all your shitty feels, right there. You have to find a way to fit into your own life before you can fit there comfortably with anyone else. The movie is a good one, and it hits every fucking note for me when we layer it in next to pre-hiatus Peterick and the choice of the Wilson/Chuck Noland relationship as the title of this song.

‘I know it’s just a number’ evokes the weird fixation on math and accounting that some of their lyrics have had through the years, which I will write on someday when I sort out my thoughts about it. I like here too the acknowledgment of artifice; we get it again in TLOTRO, with ‘tell me I’m the only one, even if it’s not true.’ Words and symbols, endearments and declarations, we choose those: we wear them. They do not reflect a true quality. They reflect choices. Pete’s saying, listen, this doesn’t have to mean anything to you, but it means a lot to me; you are the most wonderful thing in the world to me. There’s the great pyramid, there’s the hanging garden of Babylon, there’s the temple of Artemis, and there’s you: Patrick fucking Stump of the golden heart and marble thighs. Which. Fucking same.

The Wednesday Addams quote is of course a fucking delight. It says ‘I’m intense, I’m overwrought, I don’t give a fuck. I’m only ever going to double down. I will never back off. I don’t care if you think I’m ridiculous, I am too much, and I always will be.’ I treasure this line. I sing it to my cat like, several times every day (which i understand is the normal amount)

On the wrong side of p-p-paradise And when I say I'm sorry I'm late, I wasn't showing up at all I really mean I didn't plan on showing up at all

The first line here ties well to Y&M—I woke up on the wrong side of reality—and I love the way it highlights the gap between what we say, for the sake of social lubricant, and what we really mean. Pete and Patrick are both self-identified hermits—Patrick has been speaking a lot lately about his horror of interacting with others, and Pete has said that his main goal on any given day is to speak to as few people as possible — so this line could really be either of them.

Don't you, don't you, don't you know I hate all my friends, I miss the days when I pretended I hate all my friends, I miss the days when I pretended with you I miss the days when I pretended with you, with you

OKAY IF THIS ISN’T ABOUT TRYST THEORY I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS

 Uses of Pretend in Fall Out Boy Relevant History:

the whole song The End of Pretend, written by Pete during the hiatus

"Pretend you don’t remember,” written by Patrick during the hiatus

“Don’t pretend you ever forgot about me”

“I’m outside the door, invite me in, so we can go back and play pretend”

“But I can’t just pretend we weren’t lovers first”

‘I hate all my friends’ is a good time-anchor too. We have the friends who only like you for your hotel suites, we have the making a few more fake friends, we have pete’s endless blog posts about fake people who don’t really care about him—this mentality is very, very indicative of pre-hiatus Pete, especially during his disillusionment in the Sell Out Era, when he moves from ‘the world’s not waiting for five tired boys in a broken down van/these friends are golden’ to a much more cynical ‘sham friends/friends just because we move units/we’re only good because you can have almost famous friends/these friends, they don’t love you/I’ve got a lot of friends…who are just black holes/my friends all lie and say they only want the best wishes from me’ perspective.

If we hadn't done this thing I think I'd be a medicine man So I could get high on my own supply whenever I can I became such a strange shape, such a strange shape From trying to fit in

THIS BIT HERE! This is SO GOOD! The song really shifts all of a sudden at the end. Pete has described himself of this era as a drugstore cowboy, and speaks very openly (especially in this amazing interview with playboy that will make you fucking weep, I need to own this magazine, yes for the articles, and in post-divorce articles about his mental state at that time) about his misuse of prescriptions during that time. so this is pretty obvious: if they hadn’t done the band, if they hadn’t somehow made it work, the only kind of future he can see for himself is dealing some kind of artificial high and keeping himself medicated, insulated, high above all the rest. Interesting, the lyrics say my own supply, but the actual track says our own supply. That shifts the content for me, a little: it makes it more about a collaborative magic that he makes with someone else. It brings me squarely right to the drug use peterick metaphors, the way Pete has written about Patrick as a drug and a high for so many years.

Finally, I love more than anything this line: ‘I became such a strange shape from trying to fit in.’ This, here in the strange tone-shift of the last verse, takes a step back. This is present-day Pete looking back at himself, the way he became contorted and wracked from trying to please everyone. He’s looking at the Pete who ran away from Chicago and floundered in the neon emptiness of LA, getting drunk and photographed and letting his body be used as a dramatic set piece in the flashbulb frenzy of up-and-coming starlets. He’s looking at the Pete who sold himself cheaply, because he knew he wasn’t worth much. He’s looking at the weirdo behind the awkward tragedy of Fresh Only Bakery, the Pete who bit off his own tongue so he never again had to hear himself speak. ARE YOU CRYING YET? I AM. But the line isn’t just sadness: because it shows us, now, the solid ground that present-day Pete is standing on. The distance he now has from his former life as a demolition derby heart. It shows us how well he knows himself, and what he needs, and what he is newly capable of giving.

To sum up: PETERICK IS DEFINITELY REAL

Love you guys! more MANIA meta soon, and keep your eyes peeled from some v day peterick on wednesday 💘 💘 💘 part 0

part 1

part 2

part 3

[semi-friendly-emo]

About Me~

1. Full name

Ashley Marie D (not putting last name)

2. Zodiac sign

Libra

3. 3 fears

Being Rejected, Spiders, and The Unknown

4. 3 things I love

My pets, Forensic/Crime cases, and Music

5. My best friend

Sgt. Henrald....my little hedgehog who I recently lost. He was my parrot on my shoulder and my comfort. I was planning on getting him certified as an Emotional Support Animal because he made me feel so loved.

6. Last song I listened to

Kill the DJ--Green Day

7. 3 Turn ons

Confidence, neck kisses, and Loyalty

8. 3 Turn offs

Self-Centered Attitudes, No Career Plan, and Inconsistency

9. What colour underwear I’m wearing right now

Gray and White

10. How many tattoos/piercings do I have

2 Tattoos: Rafiki from The Lion King on my right ankle with his quote “it doesnt matter its in the past” & A Heart on my left foot by my pinky toe its made of a cat and dog with rainbow watercolor behind it (its a memorial for my pets)

4 Piercings: First & Second hole, 2 Cartilage on my right ear

11. The reason I started blogging

I felt so alone and when I feel rejected, I hyperfocus on my interests so blogging let’s me do exactly that without having to be me.

12. How I feel right now

Sad, Alone, Scared, Confused, Unloved, and Heartbroken because I’m watching AHS and Twisty just died in the last episode I’m not over it.

13. Something I really really want

To be loved

14. My current relationship status

Single

15. Meaning behind my URL

I love roses and the rain. I was listening to “Still Breathing by Green Day” and a lyric said “'Cause I'm still breathing on my own My head's above the rain and roses” and I just had this feeling that I needed to make that my label to recover.

16. My favourite movie

Iron Man....First one the second sucked the third is great but OG for the win

17. My favourite song

Lately....Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea by Fall Out Boy

18. My favourite band

DON’T MAKE ME PICK....It’s between Panic! At The Disco and Fall Out Boy

19. 3 Things that upset me

Being Ignored, Talk I am Dramatic/Lying, and Failing

20. 3 Things that make me happy

My Pets, Music, and The Night Sky

21. What I find attractive in other people

Eyes!!!!! A persons eyes will never change and they will tell you all there is to know about a person.

22. Someone I miss

Sgt. Henrald even though he was a hedgehog. I also miss my ex from my posts, he has been there for me through so much this past 2 months so his lack of presence hurts.

23. Someone I love

Pete Wentz. Let me explain: He is also Bipolar 1 so his lyrics tend to express his inner demons that I also have. He attempted suicide early in FOB’s career and has since talked about it to help those who feel death is the answer. He wrote “What a Catch, Donnie” to promise Patrick that he’d never try suicide again. He loves his children more than the world and has said they are his happy pills they cured his sadness. He saw Patrick be uncomfortable in a photoshoot because Patrick was heavier at the time and gave him the classic fedora telling him that he would be safe under the hat and that built up Patrick’s confidence. He was signed talent most known Panic! At The Disco (2018 Went is 38 and Urie is 30. When signed Urie was 17 so Went at 25 was signing on such young talent). I can go on forever but the point is, Pete Went saved me. When I was diagnosed Bipolar 1 a few weeks back, the only thing that made me feel human was the MANIA album because it explained what I was dealing with.

24. My relationship with my parents

Comical. Parents never married so visitation all my childhood. Turned 18 my dad walked out of my life and has since called ONCE in 2 years only to demand an apology from me. He knew of my massive surgery and never once asked me how I was doing. My mom, let’s just say once I graduate college next year I am moving out of state.

25. My favourite holiday

HALLOWEEN

26. My closest blogging friend

@dying-inner-light tbh emos gotta stick together

27. Someone famous I’d date

So many...Sebastian Stan or Tom Hiddleston if I have to limit it down.

28. A confession

I am completely numb and I know I will stay this way till I feel loved in any sense. Since losing my hedgehog I have gone blank.

29. 3 Things that annoy me easily

Loud Noises, Not Listening, and Repeating Myself

30. My favourite animal

Pandas or Turtles

31. My pets

Jet (aka Pudgy Butt yes he answers to this more than Jet) he is my rescue dog 8years old breed ????

Hunter (aka Boogie/Booger/Jimbo Jones): I only say Jimbo Jones when I'm pissed at him thats his name from the humane society. He is my cat and  will be 11 years old in May but sadly his twin sister left us last May which he became distraught over.

Holly (aka Buddha): she is my 10 year old forever kitten. her legs are stubby so she looks dwarfed but shes THICC hence Buddah.

Flora (aka Florence when she is bad): THIS IS MY BABY shes my kitten who will be 1 year on April 2nd. She is a ‘special snowflake’ she has grand maul seizures with no medical explanation (brain MRI’s and tests not one answer to the seizures or her ‘specialness’).

Cotton & Candy: my sisters little hamsters but Cotton is mine.

32. One thing I’ve lied about

Being Okay

33. Something that’s currently worrying me

Being Alone Forever

34. An embarrassing moment

Food running once and I have the plate in my hands and when I turned around the sandwich and chips when flying across the kitchen and the whole BOH saw.

35. Where I work

TGI Friday’s

36. Something that’s constantly on my mind

Why people walk out?

37. 3 Habits I have

Turning off all the lights no matter the time, Getting to a place crazy early, and Having music on 90% of the time or else I get anxious

38. My future goals

Move to PA, Be a Forensic Anthropologist, Get married, Have kids, and Hope for the best.

39. Something I fantasise about

Wedding Day

40. My favourite store

Hot Topic (are you shocked though ?)

41. My favourite food

Mac and Cheese

42. What I did yesterday

Watched Netflix because I was sent home from work.

43. Something I’m talented at

Remembering fact about serial killers and forensic identifications

44. My idea of the perfect date

Movie Night in with take out and fairy lights

45. My celebrity crush

No shame....Robert Downey Jr.

46. My favourite blog

I don’t really have a favorite? Any blog that isnt racist, sexist, condoning, and hateful is my favorite.

47. Number of kids I want

2 or 3. I am also going to say the names I like because why not: Alice, Nova, Roseline, Stella, and Dahlia. Dominic, Anthony, Orian, Sebastian, and Levi.

48. Do I smoke/drink

Smoke no unless you count armomatherapy pens but its not actual smoking just looks like it.

Drink: fuck yea

49. One word that describes me

Odd

50. My favourite quote

Remember Who You Are-Mufasa

[orbemnews]

A Return to Wall Street’s Low-Rent District Penny stocks are back Of all the trading manias in recent months — Bitcoin, SPACs, meme stocks, nonfungible tokens — the latest has a long history of fraud and scandal. That’s right, penny stocks are booming, according to The Times’s Matt Phillips, who visited the “low-rent district of Wall Street.” There were 1.9 trillion transactions last month on the over-the-counter markets, where such stocks trade, according to the industry regulator Finra. That’s up more than 2,000 percent from a year earlier, driven in large part by the surge in retail trading — enabled by commission-free trading from online brokerages — that has also stoked the frenzy for shares in GameStop and other speculative assets. Penny stocks have always lent themselves to quick fortunes, given that small inflows to these low-priced, thinly traded shares can make prices go berserk. That also makes them prone to fraud like pump and dumps, updated for the modern age with schemes hatched on social media. “It’s all just a pool filled with sharks,” said Urska Velikonja, a law professor at Georgetown. “It’s where the unwary go to get eaten.” Penny-stock frenzies are common in raging bull markets. The current fervor among retail traders presents unnerving echoes from the past, according to Tyler Gellasch of the nonprofit Healthy Markets Association. Based on the scale of the recent mania, “the only relevant historical precedent seems to increasingly be the days before the Great Depression,” he said. Take it from Jordan Belfort, of “The Wolf of Wall Street.” “Everyone wants to get rich,” Mr. Belfort, a former “boiler-room” operator who pleaded guilty to market manipulation, told Matt, “and they want to get rich quick.” He added that an element of naïveté underpinned such trading: “We all want to believe in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and Bernie Madoff.” HERE’S WHAT’S HAPPENING The Fed keeps its policies steady. As expected, the central bank left interest rates at rock-bottom levels, despite improving economic growth forecasts. But the Upshot’s Neil Irwin notes that it may become harder for Jay Powell, the Fed chair, to wave away criticism of those who think monetary policy is too loose. The I.R.S. delays the tax filing deadline. Americans have until May 17 to file their federal income taxes, a delay meant to help people cope with the pandemic’s economic upheaval and account for changes from the rescue plan. Credit Suisse overhauls its business after the Greensill scandal. The Swiss bank will separate its asset-management division, replace its chief and suspend bonuses over the unit’s role in financing Greensill Capital, the supply-chain financing lender that collapsed this month. Gasoline may have hit its peak. Global demand may never return to pre-pandemic levels, the International Energy Agency said, as more electric vehicles hit the roads and transportation habits change. Use may rise for a bit in places like China and India, but overall consumption in industrialized economies will fall by 2023. Senate confirms President Biden’s top trade official. Katherine Tai will become the U.S. trade representative. She is a prominent critic of China’s trade practices, signaling that the White House won’t completely walk back the Trump administration’s tough stance. Top U.S. officials are to meet their Chinese counterparts for the first time today, at a summit meeting in Alaska. Google is doubling down on office space Google said today that it planned to invest $7 billion in offices and data centers in 19 U.S. states, making it the latest tech giant to expand its footprint while other companies retrench in a commercial real estate market roiled by the pandemic. Google’s C.E.O., Sundar Pichai, shared the plans in a blog post, saying that the move would create 10,000 jobs at the company this year. (Alphabet, Google’s parent company, employed around 135,000 people at the end of 2020.) Google is expanding across the country. The plan includes investments in data centers in places like Nebraska, South Carolina and Texas. The company recently opened its first office in Minnesota and an operations center in Mississippi. It will open its first office in Houston this year. “Coming together in person to collaborate and build community is core to Google’s culture,” Mr. Pichai wrote. Google was one of the first companies to tell employees to work from home, and it expects workers to begin returning to offices in September. When that happens, it will test a “flexible workweek,” with employees spending at least three days a week in the office. “Many have framed the GameStop mania as a David versus Goliath struggle. I believe it is more likely that, when we have full information about this episode, the story will more closely resemble Goliath vs. Goliath.” — Alexis Goldstein, a senior policy analyst for Americans for Financial Reform, at a Congressional hearing which focused on the relationship between brokers like Robinhood and market makers like Citadel Securities. Charting the blank-check boom SPACs have already raised more money this year than in all of 2020, setting a record for blank-check deal volume. More than $84 billion has been raised by 264 SPACs to date, according to Dealogic, compared with $83 billion raised by 256 acquisition vehicles last year. SPACs sitting on some $135 billion are currently seeking takeover targets, according to SPAC Research. Since they typically buy companies five times their size, that implies buying power of well over $600 billion, setting up a scramble for deals within the two-year window written into the rules of most SPACs. Lordstown Motors, an electric vehicle company that went public via SPAC last year, said yesterday that it was cooperating with an S.E.C. inquiry, after a short seller accused it of misleading investors about its business prospects. The S.E.C.’s crypto commissioner Hester Peirce is one of the few financial regulators with an online fan base and a nickname. Known to some as “Crypto Mom,” she’s been raising the profile of cryptocurrencies and blockchain technology since being appointed an S.E.C. commissioner in 2018. On “Blockchain Policy Matters,” an online show by the Blockchain Association, a trade group, Ms. Peirce described her hopes for innovation and regulation of the crypto world. DealBook got a preview of the show, which posts today. “Everyone is getting smarter on this stuff,” Ms. Peirce said of regulators considering crypto issues. Engaging more with the private sector “can help us regulators sharpen our thinking,” she said, which could be “more nuanced.” “We’ve dug ourselves into a little bit of a hole,” Ms. Pierce said of the S.E.C.’s refusal thus far to approve a Bitcoin exchange traded fund. “A lot of people are looking for a way to access the asset class.” In the past month, three bitcoin E.T.F.s have begun trading in Canada. She welcomes Gary Gensler, the blockchain professor, as the agency’s next chief. President Biden’s pick to lead the S.E.C. has lectured on cryptocurrency and blockchain at M.I.T. since 2018. Ms. Peirce said she was “hopeful” that he will help the agency think “in a more sophisticated way.” She added that Mr. Gensler has “more inclination to regulate” than she does, but that she believes he’ can provide the regulatory clarity on crypto she has sought. Blockchain technology could address the issues raised by meme-stock mania. That includes “concerns around settlement times, tracking where shares are, and who owns what shares when,” Ms. Pierce said. Distributed ledger technology like blockchain could eliminate common failure points in the financial system, rather than centralizing them, Ms. Peirce said, adding: “I hope that a lot of that innovation happens in the private sector as opposed to us taking it over as a securities regulator.” THE SPEED READ Deals Coinbase, the cryptocurrency exchange, said it had been valued at $68 billion in private markets before its direct listing next week. (Reuters) Talks to merge three companies owned by Vista Equity Partners and a SPAC backed by Apollo Global Management in a $15 billion deal have reportedly stalled over market volatility. (Bloomberg) HSBC is in talks to sell its French retail banking arm to an affiliate of Cerberus as it focuses on Asia. (FT) Politics and policy The Commodity Futures Trading Commission has created a team to assess the risks of climate change to futures and options markets. (WSJ) Democrats are betting on a corporate tax increase to pay for their infrastructure improvement bill. (Axios) British companies may face more restrictions on dividends and bonuses in a proposed overhaul of accounting rules. (FT) Tech Morgan Stanley is offering top wealth-management clients access to three investment funds linked to Bitcoin, a first by a U.S. bank. (CNBC) Amazon’s wage scale in Alabama may have left it vulnerable to a union. (NYT) On the “Sway” podcast, Brian Chesky of Airbnb speaks about trust, safety and being “completely speechless” on the day of the company’s I.P.O. (NYT Opinion) Best of the rest The pandemic has helped a 162-year-old German company that makes model trains discover a new audience. (NYT) An ancient mathematical pattern could predict the price of Bitcoin. (Fortune) This news article is a nonfungible token. (Quartz) We’d like your feedback! Please email thoughts and suggestions to dealbook@nytimes.com. Source link Orbem News #District #LowRent #return #streets #Wall

[itsnotresilience]

How to I Turned my Self Hate Inward and Outward AKA how to abuse everything you take for granted AKA how not to live while getting cancer treatment aka how to ruin your life

A reflection on 2009-2012

I want to be clear about a few things. I have no written record of this time period. This is all from my memory of this time frame which is frankly, not great. I was in the midst of cancer treatment and I would say in a psychosis level of depression and mania. I likely don’t remember events in the right year or right order so feel free to correct me.

My second husband had escaped to a life without me. He was going out with people I believed to be our friends with someone not new but not me. I had elected to stay because frankly I had nowhere else to go. I think that’s the lie i told myself then, that I had no other choices. There were other choices but I didn’t make them. My cycle was: treatment, sick, better so party, then fatigue and depression and repeat. Some stages of that cycle were longer term than others.

I started internet dating out of loneliness and rejection. What the fuck was I doing? I still don’t know. I think honestly I was erasing the rejection with these dates so I could feel wanted by someone. Most of them were nothing. The majority were nothing. A few I thought were something but they were jerks or saw my damage or were abusers. I did meet one good person and we’ll come back to him soon.

Anyway, I had also stopped eating for the most part, everything tasted like metal all the time. I would very stupidly drink which fueled days of very painful sickness. There were days I laid in my bedroom and listened to my husband romance someone else. It’s hard to acknowledge that I chose this road. There’s part of me that has blamed squarely my ex-husband but I could have made so many other and better choices.

Around this time my work was going through what I might say was the longest lasting reorg ever. It started in 2010? 2011? And finished in January of this year. I’m going to be careful here. Every however much time it was between, a group of folks would get laid off or redistributed. There were only two notaries at my work and I was one of them. All the impacted people had these documents that had to be notarized (FYI business owners with employees- this is unnecessarily humiliating) so they all came to my desk. Many of them were people I cared about. Watching them be treated this way added fuel to my fire.

I have to be really careful. I’m touching on things related to people I admire, love and care about. People I would walk through fire for. I still treated them badly because I treated everyone badly, including myself. I lied by hiding all my dirty laundry but I just wrote that and realize it’s a lie. People did know some of what was going on. Others were victims of my inability to get a grip on myself. There are parts of my heart and mind that are so sad about how I treated my friends. This is one of the hardest essays I’ve written because this all feels like it could have been yesterday.

I was traveling a lot for work, balancing my treatments and my lifestyle of secret internet men that I flirted with. Most weren’t anything but someone to make me feel less bad but there was always a time, everyday, that all the escape routes faded and I was left with me and what my life had become. I would get so panicked and upset it was like being swallowed by a fiery pit. All I could see was how terrible I was. I don’t remember most of my work trips but not because I was partying. Most of them I was not feeling well and was just trying to push through. This travel was an amazing opportunity career wise, to prove myself and what I could do. I can say now that I failed at proving anything other than I was a mess. Work was my one stability but even that couldn’t hold me together.

In 2010, I met a man who when I first met him struck me as someone also going through something. He had a great smile, a sparkle in his eye and was genuinely just a nice guy but I didn’t really want someone who was going to be nice to me because I didn’t deserve that and I was still married despite whatever was going on there. We went on two dates before I felt that I was too sick, mentally and physically, to pursue it. He felt too nice for someone like me. I moved on to other internet flings that were meaningless with most of them just adding more fuel to the self hate fire. In October, I got back in touch with nice guy. Inside I felt bad that we talked about each other’s dates and that I was lying to him about my marital status (but not the state of my marriage). I don’t know why I did that. Yes I do. That was a lie. I did that because I didn’t want to be rejected. I wanted to be able to move on like my ex-husband had. All that mattered to me was not feeling his rejection.

On that third date, I don’t know what was different. I can’t describe it. I looked up and fell for the guy. He seemed so normal. He seemed to have had some life experiences that created a normal set of ethical behavior. I was not that person but I valued that in him. We decided to see each other exclusively but I was still living with my ex who since 2009, while I was gone and sometimes when I was home, had his new friend in our home. I write this and think this is ridiculous. I don’t even understand what you’re doing Meghan!

In November 2010 a bunch of really bad crazy shit happened. I increasingly slept at my boyfriend’s, my other friends’ house who were stable, or my car. I once paid for a hotel room a few miles from my condo to not be in my house. I hosted some wine thing at work that I came home early from to find my ex and his friend having sex in our living room on our couch. I couldn’t do this whatever this charade was. I packed all my stuff or what I could and went to stay with my boyfriend. This was not my best decision of so many bad decisions. We weren’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready for any of that.

My family had planned a trip to Hawaii to celebrate my dads retirement. It was already a catastrophe. My sister wasn’t going. My brothers marriage was near failure. I was not feeling well and would have to do a treatment before going. I spent most of that trip with my mom or my dad. My ex was there because he had a ticket because we were hiding our entire garbage from my family. My boyfriend and I fought the entire time. He knew I was there with my ex and so thought a reconciliation was happening. That was not what was happening. I spent every night in bed, in a separate bed, from my ex. He partied with my brother who I felt super angry at, that he was betraying me, although now I’m not sure how much he knew but definitely more than my parents. I missed my sister. I was sad that she was going through her own pain and her and I weren’t connecting. The highlight of that trip was a luau that I sat next to my father and a sunrise bike ride down Haleakala. I was not looking forward to going wherever home was.

In December, my boyfriend and I just started fighting more. My boyfriend knew I was hiding things from him and I’m not sure why I didn’t just say I’m still married. Yes, I do. I think there was a part of me that felt if I kept myself hidden, he couldn’t reject me. I was still also texting my old internet dating people who had turned into friends. None of them were anything except someone who could make me feel good (give me a compliment, flirt with me) if someone else made me feel bad. It was wrong. God I was so so wrong. My boyfriend would get jealous and distrustful and lash out by being controlling and then I would react to the controlling behavior by being even more elusive. I just kept spinning in this web of lies, reacting to him and sinking further into a mess of constant drama I was creating because I just didn’t care. I did care, but not enough. I would care too much about the wrong things. The wrong things would spin out of control blowing up the good things and then it would just keep going. As I started to feel better and enter remission, things only got worse in my personal life. I finally went back and got my cat and the rest of my things from the condo. I had to leave my cat Etta behind, who I adored. I almost grabbed her when I picked up Coltrane. It was heart wrenching.

Most of 2011 was travel, fight, repeat. I was lying to everyone and not feeling like anyone was going to be there when shit fell apart. I wouldn’t let anyone see the full picture. I saw all my lies as necessary to protect me from rejection and abandonment. I was a walking chaos. I don’t remember much of 2011 except a constant state of anxiety and my inability to control the chaos.

In May 2012 (I’m going to be careful here), my boss, who I admired and adored was let go. That broke something in me. It was the lighter fluid I needed to create a bonfire of anger. It was watching someone I saw as a good man be treated poorly. I walked into the office of his boss and asked why? Why him? This made no sense! I wanted to talk to whoever made this decision! Set them straight! To his credit, this man knew me so well he advised very strongly that I think it out and maybe not confront the other big boss decision maker. This is hard because I’m trying not to name names but many of those reading know who these people are.

So all those people reading that worked with me know what happened next. I totally did not take that very sage advice. I asked to speak to the big boss decision maker and I cheekily asked him to explain his decision to me, to help me understand why this other person was better than my boss. I told him it seemed like a dumb idea. I’m not sure what else I said but I likely cemented my future that day. I’m surprised I didn’t get fired then. I was later told that big boss decision maker told others that he was sure I hated him ( I did, but only because he embodied every person who had been an asshole to me) and it wasn’t even me this was happening to. It felt empowering to advocate for someone else. To his eternal credit my boss and mentor advised me not to go to bat for him anymore before he left, not to ruin my reputation and career over this. I really wish I had listened. I had no interest in working for the man who replaced him. I don’t care about being careful here. He reminded me of a used car salesman who sold lemons everyday. The other option was my old boss who, let’s just say, was not someone I admired.

I had to go Orlando, I think this was June 2012. It would have been a good opportunity for me to showcase my role and knowledge. I obliterated the opportunity. Let’s see. I talked to the other new boss and asked his advice for the future and shared my disdain for the decisions made and the treatment of employees, you know, the decision of choosing the man I was talking to over my boss? Are you uncomfortable yet? Then I went to drink with friends while my boyfriend madly texted me accusing me of lying and cheating. The drama sent me to my room where I flirted and complained to old internet friends basically cementing that while I wasn’t cheating, I wasn’t fully committed to doing the necessary hard work with myself or my boyfriend because I wouldn’t allow for rejection from anyone ever again. Our argument fueled an ugly break up call in the morning and I showed up hung over, crying, to a very important meeting. I proceeded to be extremely difficult in that meeting. I made a lot of bad comments about the company and its decisions. I questioned the facilitators objectives. What the actual fuck Meghan? I didn’t belong there, or anywhere or with anyone. I belonged in a psychiatric hospital or at the very least intensive therapy and under medication.

Anyway, I came home to the home I didn’t have and had to move out to a new place. My friends brought me some things I didn’t have anymore (I just had to replace the iron!). One friend took special care to help me decorate my new place and make it a home (I still have the vase!). I was terrified of being alone. I was terrified of what had happened in 2003 when I lived alone. I began partying extremely hard.

I was binge drinking. My boyfriend and I, broken up, just kept hurting each other and everytime he hurt me, I hurt him and myself. I would binge drink, find a man on the internet, and either met up or just participate in flirtatious activities. Everytime after, I would sit, empty, hating myself more and contemplate killing myself. I wanted to die and if I couldn’t die I would destroy myself. This kept escalating until July 4th when I tried to push the reset button and see some old friends. I wanted some normalcy. My ex-boyfriend and I got into a screaming match over the phone at my friends home. My friend kicked me out, saying she’d grown up in an abusive home and had had enough of my behavior. I never saw that friend again. I spent the rest of that day reconciling with my boyfriend, trying to come to terms with what I had created and him trying to get me to fess up to who I really was. It was very emotionally taxing and painful. It was all so unnecessary, all this chaos I created out of my own selfishness and pain.

At work, I was acting increasingly erratic. Boyfriend and I had a screaming match while I was inside the office. Did I not realize there was an outside? Or my car? I was called into HR and asked about the Orlando trip and told I acted poorly. I was asked to provide a list of what I was doing and pretty much told how replaceable and useless I was. About a week after that (which I’m assuming they spent finding people to do my work) I had a meeting set the day after Labor Day with HR and dude I was working for. It was torture (hey don’t do that to people-that’s dumb!) waiting to know what was going to happen. The day finally came and I was told I was losing my job but out of the kindness of their non-existent hearts they’d extend my healthcare through the six weeks of pay I was getting. They made sure to tell me it was not their idea but boss guy in Orlando who wanted to make sure I was taken care of (or I didn’t sue them so you choose). My friend who I worked next two everyday for ( 2 years? 4 years?) helped me pack. We were both crying and sad. I sent some emails to some of the best people I’ve ever met and adore today to say goodbye. They had all been so good to me. So many of them supported my career and taught me so much. I now realize how much I took them for granted.

I went home and my boyfriend took me out for dinner and drinks and I sunk into a very deep depression that I lived in for the next 4 years. I kept thinking about my destroyed life, all of my destroyed lives, all of my destroyed opportunities. It didn’t take me long to find another job. It was totally different-a chance to move into another industry and line of work. I ended up hating it but more so because I was still so fucked up. It also took forever for my relationships to heal. I did this. This was me. I live with this all the time. It has taken me a decade to come back from this period of my life and I still feel it. People don’t understand how you get stuck. People don’t know how the tapes of bad choices can play over and over. People don’t know this wasn’t my first chaos or my first failure. All I can see some days is an endless trail of heartbreak, deceit, bad behavior, and failure. All I can see is some version of damaged Meghan being awful. I don’t feel I deserve my success. I feel I’ve just been lucky. I squandered a lot of things others deserve and would be happy to have. I manipulated others in order to save myself from pain. I need to stop. This essay has to stop for now. I can’t take it. I need a break. Give me a break, brain.

Nearly a week later, I pick this essay back up and wonder what I can say, what I learned from all this. People do shitty things. I watch true crime on ID all the time and I’m never shocked on the capacity of humans to do crazy things. But why? But why? I was drowning. I was drowning in all the Meghans of past and present. I was suffocating in all the failures of my life. In these moments, it all felt like a joke.

Why do we destroy ourselves? Why do we hurt those we love? I can only say that my actions moved chaos forward while inside I waited for the implosion that would end me. I was hoping I’d be destroyed but also burying my pain. Self destructive behavior is selfish but it’s also a manifestation of internal mental health issues. It’s like hoarding, a physical, visual manifestation of some internal pain that needs to be buried.

Maybe you’re someone who reads this and thinks I’m terrible, manipulative, a liar. Maybe I am all three things. I’m at least a liar. I’m a liar who lies to protect myself and a liar who craves acceptance and love. My sheer will and drive has kept me afloat. The love of those who should hate me has kept me afloat. My rage and need to prove myself has kept me afloat. And all this past seeks to make sink.

Here is a secret I’ve stopped keeping. I’m plagued by envy, all the time. I’m envious of people with children. I’m envious of people who have romantic love-laden relationships. I’m envious of careers that happen earlier in life while I now am past my prime. I’m envious of prettier and skinnier women. I’m envious of people in good health. All of this envy spins in my head as my punishment. My inability to cope effectively with my life, my illness, my rejection. No one gives you instructions.

No one gives you instructions but everyone is there with an opinion when you fail. I cannot sit with this part of my life. It’s unbearable to me. I thought my life would be different. I thought I was a good, decent person. Nearly all the things I thought myself incapable of I realize am perfectly able to do. There’s no way to live with that everyday, that gross failure of your own standards.

Maybe now, you read this and you still don’t understand. Maybe you think I got away with it. Maybe you say karma is a bitch and I deserve my punishment. How much punishment? What type of punishment, for how long? Who decides these things? I can say that living with this version of me is so uncomfortable that I had a plan, previously described to you, to end it all before I turned 40. I think about escaping my past daily. My tapes: undeserving, ugly, lying, angry, awful, hateful play over and over. Even writing this is suffocating.

Maybe you’ve done something awful. Something you regret. Or maybe you’ve been mad at someone like me, someone who made mistakes and hurt people. All you can do is what I do. I have to see there’s some good in me. I have to live in a way that makes me redeemable. I won’t beg for pity, understanding, acceptance or forgiveness. I can only say that there is more to me, that I’m writing this despite my deep shame. I’m writing this for me and you and anyone who’s lived a very imperfect life that may be out there, torturing themselves with their failures.

[quinintheclouds]

Anyone else think you were misdiagnosed with BPD?

Please don’t ignore this; I need to know if I’m alone here...

~Some background (you can skip this btw):

So I took an extensive series of tests administered by a psychologist to determine what’s wrong with me (well, aside from the depression, anxiety, and ADHD) - only for the psychologist to conclude I was “falsifying my symptoms” and “making things up for attention” so I must have bpd. I was completely honest in that examination, and reading his report felt like he was talking about a totally different person, claiming I was manipulative, a liar, that I ‘split’ on people, that I would be difficult and refuse treatment as well as being rude to any therapist who tried to help (I was the one seeking help though?? And I’m usually too nice to therapists, to the point where I don’t get what I need), and that I probably see things in black-and-white ways (couldn’t be less true - and yes I see the irony in saying that so matter-of-factly). 

NONE of these are accurate to me.. I felt lost, like I had done all that work, spent several hours and a handful of cash to get an inaccurate result. The only thing that sounded somewhat right was the passage he wrote about my “unspecified bipolar symptoms.” And since nothing else I’d read about online seemed to fit, I shrugged and believed him. He’s the professional, after all, right? I tried to identify with bpd as much as I could, convincing myself my mood swings were rapid cycling and that I split on people. 

But then I stopped trying so hard to fit the diagnosis, and realized I don’t really fit it in many ways. It seems that most of the symptoms I have in common with bpd are caused by the Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria that comes with ADHD. So why was I diagnosed with BPD?

Ayyyy you read this bit! Thanks, friend :) 

~The Reason for This Post:

I started reading about how people are incorrectly diagnosed with bpd over 50% of the time, and usually when that’s the case, the true diagnosis turns out to be C-PTSD, Cyclothymia, or Bipolar II. So I researched as much as I could about those, and I started CRYING. Every doctor has told me “The only reason I can’t diagnose you as bipolar is because your mania doesn’t quite reach the intensity of that in manic episodes,” but once I found out that Bipolar II is more depressive than manic, and that the upswings were less-intense versions of mania called hypomanic episodes, I COULD NOT BELIEVE how perfectly it fit me. I was crying my eyes out while I scrolled through pages and pages of information that seemed to be describing my exact situation. I had NO IDEA hypomania existed, that there was an actual word to describe my strange almost-manic-but-not-quite states. (I definitely relate to C-PTSD as well, and fit all the criteria, but Bipolar II is what hit me hardest)

Why do so many doctors misdiagnose patients with bpd? I know it’s relatively new as a concept, as is C-PTSD, but wouldn’t you think professional doctors would know more than a simple Google search? I’m going to seek out some therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist and present my newfound info about bipolar ii and ask them what they think, because NO DOCTOR HAS EVER CONSIDERED IT. Every last one of them acted as if Bipolar I was the only kind of bipolar, and even though I fit every symptom aside from the extremity of my mania, none of them batted an eye.

~So here’s my question:

How many of you out there “with” bpd think you may have been misdiagnosed? (This includes Self-DXers) And what do you think a more accurate diagnosis might be for you? 

PLEASE answer or at least reblog!!! Even if this doesn’t really apply to you, I can use all the help I can get! I’m a tiny blog and I desperately need answers for this! (And the new Best Posts First crap won’t help lol)

[conorjameson]

The fugitive

The Goshawk can cast a spell on you. I know this because it happened to me, and to some others I’ve met. Something in the penetrating gaze of the bird stays with you. It is a kind of hypnosis, reinforced with each rare encounter.

I can trace my love affair with the Goshawk to a picture in a book. Or rather, on a book. Goshawks made the cover of the first book on birds of prey that I saw, as a young child, in the early 1970s. It was a pair at the nest, all red-eyed rapaciousness, female brooding a downy chick, male grasping a song thrush. I was smitten. I loved everything about this bird, even the drama in the name –Goshawk. That glare.

Back then, Goshawks were in the first stages of reclaiming our remoter forests. Bar the odd escaped pair here and there, Goshawks had been effectively absent as breeding birds from the UK since the early 1880s.

Growing up in Scotland, I heard about these fugitive goshawks, escaped and unofficially released birds, apparently gaining a toehold. In my forest rovings, I always had half an eye – and ear - open for Gos, and once or twice even fancied I might have glimpsed one. But of course I couldn’t be sure. Like anyone else, through those years I was witnessing with pleasure the return of the Sparrowhawk, Peregrine and Buzzard. Somehow the Goshawk lagged far behind, out of sight, out of mind. No one, and few books, seemed to have much to say about the mysterious Gos.

I found one man who did: T H White. The author of The Sword in the Stone, White was also moonstruck by this bird. The Goshawk is regarded as a classic of its kind. I unearthed it in an antique bookshop some years ago. The prose is dense, intense, and a revelation. Here was a man who could articulate his fascination with this enigmatic bird. But he was also fixated with mastering it. I had no such aspiration, although I appreciated the insight on its character provided by White’s up-close and personal involvement with this often wretched, furious, bating hawk.

White was writing in the 1930s, in a Gos-free Britain. He had walked away from his job as an English teacher at a private school. He rented a keeper’s cottage and attempted to master the bird using the medieval method by which he was also intrigued. He sought with his Goshawk ‘to revert to a feral state’. Predictably, perhaps, the hawk beat him to it.

It was clear. Goshawks are wilder than most birds, you might say; highly strung, high maintenance, compulsive. Falconers I meet now tell me they can’t or won’t keep the species. They never show them at public demonstrations. Goshawks have a tendency to mania, to buggering off, to dropping dead. Even captive Goshawks, it seems, are hard to see.

But not everyone loves the Goshawk. And I’m not just talking about the usual suspects in the murky world of raptor persecution. There are a few birders out there who are at best ambivalent about the species. You may know some.

It is accepted wisdom that our UK Goshawk population today originates from absconded birds, and deliberate releases. Although Goshawks from the continent do move through these islands on passage, this appears not to happen in significant numbers, and they are believed strongly tied to home. The Goshawk is a fully protected species here. But even so, to some conservation-minded people it has only a faintly legitimate status, as though it has yet to be universally accepted. I know one birder who regards Goshawks with the same disdain he does Canada Geese.

In addition to being, in some eyes, ‘semi-feral’, the Goshawk’s rapaciousness can also lose it friends. It can alienate not just game-rearers, but enthusiasts for other bird species. The Goshawk tends not to like having other raptors, and corvids, around when it is breeding. It can also kill and eat anything up to the size of a Capercaillie. We don’t have many of those to spare, in the end.

It is also a difficult bird to get to know, to watch and enjoy. It has not been championed in the way enjoyed by our other renascent raptors – the eagles, kites, harriers, ospreys and falcons. It has almost as little visible presence as a nocturnal predatory mammal. It is, in the end, hard to sell what we cannot see.

The Goshawk has always been greatly valued as a falconer’s – or more properly an austringer’s – bird. The French call it the ‘cuisinier’. It may lack a Falcon’s exhibitionism in the sky, but for sheer muscularity, dexterity, focus and lethalness in a short chase, for game as large as adult hares, the Goshawk was the connoisseur’s choice. It was the choice of Attila the Hun, King John, Frederick the Great, and not just of the yeoman, as is popularly held. Accipiter gentilis was long beloved of falconers across Europe and Asia. In repose, it oozes nobility, gravitas, courage.

But they are difficult to captive breed. A male Goshawk knows better than to be around his much larger mate when she is hungry, or irritable. She makes a fickle cellmate. For centuries, captive Goshawks were traded across Europe, set free to breed, and the young harvested from tree nests. These birds were hard currency. When land was sold, rights to Hawk nests might be negotiated – or not – separately. Our Goshawk population today may have mixed Finnish, German and Czech origin, but so too do Spain’s smaller, darker wild Goshawks today produce genetic throw-backs to these larger, paler northern races.

Some may regret the somewhat ad hoc provenance of our Goshawks today, and the haphazard nature of their re-establishment, but this reflects the wider history of our relationship with the species. It is not, for me, a reason to devalue the bird. If anything, the opposite is true.

Given this trade, movement and ‘farming’ of Goshawks since Saxon times, there are those who have queried whether we can be sure it was originally a native UK species. Max Nicholson was one: ‘The Goshawk, often counted among the lost, was probably never indigenous,’ he wrote in 1926. ‘But’ he noted, ‘the evidence is bewildering’.

More recently, scenting a possible loophole in wildlife law to exploit, some game-rearing interests have challenged the Goshawk’s status. So can we be sure it was here without our help? Quite apart from the free-range ‘harvesting’ of Accipiter gentilis, early written records are unreliable because of possible confusion with the Peregrine, in particular.

Happily, the recently published History of British Birds by Yalden and Albarella presents conclusive evidence on the matter. There are scattered bone deposit records of Goshawk since the post-glacial, even more than for Peregrine. It was here, ok. The authors estimate a UK population of Goshawks in the ‘pristine Mesolithic forests’ of pre-human Britain touching 14,000 pairs. They base this on extrapolations from Bialowiecza Forest in Poland, Europe’s largest intact fragment of this ancient woodland.

Even without this hard evidence, it would be hard to conceive of the Goshawk absent from our wildwood. My instinct is it was probably pre-eminent. In the absence of the Eagle Owl, the Goshawk must have enjoyed alpha predator status among the oaks, limes and pines that cloaked mainland Britain. It’s an interesting thought that this forgotten, fugitive, poorly understood and occasionally resented species might once have lorded it over our wildwood landscape.

The Goshawk re-cast its spell on me two years ago. I found one in Yorkshire. I came face to face with the most vivid specimen: a first-year female, all subtle saffron tints and chocolaty arrowheads, talons clamped on a prone magpie, glaring at me as I teetered on a ladder. I was in a junk shop. She was in a glass case. Stuffed. As she fixed me with that glare, she fixated me with these questions about what we did to her kind, and to ourselves in the process. 

The Goshawk was the first of the raptors we wiped out in Britain. We usually call this persecution, but looking at this bird in the case, it occurred to me that admirers played their part in the extermination process. We killed beautiful things the better to look at them. I’m not judgmental about the trophy hunters of the killing age. Any of us might have done the same thing, in their position.

Our last Goshawks are said to have bred near MacBeth’s Birnam Wood, Perthshire, in 1883. But there is another troubling question. Can we be sure they were completely extirpated? Given the secretiveness of the species, it seems feasible that some might have held on, in a quiet corner somewhere.

I spent a few weeks in spring 2010 with Goshawk experts in the remoter forests of Britain where Goshawks survive today. Mick Marquiss, whose study area covers north-east Scotland, is in no doubt that the Goshawk was exterminated by the end of the 19th century.

‘I used to think that maybe they had held on,’ he told me. ‘But I don’t believe that now.’

There is one clinching reason, for Mick: ‘They may be hard to see, but they are very easy to trap,’ he says.

Writings by the Victorian naturalist W H Hudson leave us a vivid idea of what Goshawks were up against in the period.

‘I heard of another case at Fonthill Abbey (Wiltshire). Nobody could say what this wandering hawk was – it was very big, blue above with a white breast barred with black – a ‘tarrable’, fierce-looking bird with fierce, yellow eyes. All the gamekeepers and several other men with guns were in hot pursuit of it for several days, until someone fatally wounded it, but it could not be found where it was supposed to have fallen. A fortnight later its carcass was discovered by an old shepherd, who told me the story. It was not in a fit state to be preserved, but he described it to me, and I have no doubt that it was a goshawk.’

You can only imagine how demoralised Hudson and others like him felt in that era, when a wandering Goshawk would face such overwhelming odds. A century further on, he might be minded to ask if the Goshawks are back. We could tell him the apparently encouraging news that the UK Goshawk population can now be estimated at around 400 pairs, thanks to data compiled by the Rare Breeding Birds Panel, from information provided in large part by the Raptor Study Groups. But he might be slightly puzzled that it hasn’t changed much since the Atlas of 20 years ago. It is quite likely, we could suggest, that there are more Goshawks out there than this, but probably not many more. ‘Although they are cryptic what’s clear from our work is that there’s no large population sitting there undiscovered,‘ say the experts (Rutz et al).

Until recently, we might have concluded that the lack of large-scale coniferous forest was the limiting factor for Goshawks in Britain. But just across the North Sea in the Netherlands, for example, Goshawks have reclaimed the landscape, from lowland farmland to urban centres, exploiting the corvids, pigeons, thrushes, gulls, rabbits and rats that proliferate across these habitats.

‘Goshawks in The Netherlands tell a complicated story,’ says Rob Bijlsma, who has studied them there for many years. ‘A story of huge successes and spread into densely populated areas, followed by demise more recently.’

It seems reasonable to wonder why our Goshawks haven’t done something similar. Mick Marquiss and fellow Raptor Study Group researchers are in no doubt that illegal killing is the main reason.

’Goshawks, for all their prowess as hunters, cannot resist an apparently free meal,’ he says. ‘Their foraging areas overlap, and they wander a lot outside the breeding season. One trap with a live crow or pigeon as bait can draw in Goshawks from a wide area, and act as the ‘plug-hole’ down which a local population can vanish. Easy to catch, and easy to hide: so proving the true scale of this crime has been difficult – at least up to now.‘

Advances in technology and tracking are helping us to understand the Goshawk better, and work is now being done to get a better handle on the Goshawk’s situation in the UK.

My search for this bird has left me convinced that there could be a Goshawk-shaped hole in our world. This incredible animal remains AWOL in much of our landscape — spinneys, parks, towns, even cities — and largely absent from our consciousness. The Goshawk isn’t out of the woods yet, but it might be if we’d let it. The shackles have not yet been broken. And nor, for me, has the Goshawk’s lingering spell.

Conor Jameson

This article was first published in Birdwatch magazine.

Photo of a male Goshawk taken in the Scottish borders by Chas Moonie. 

[roidespd-blog]

CHAPTER SEVEN : CONVERSION THERAPY

This one is going to be easy. This is an opinion piece. A inflammatory commentary of some monstrous practices. A pile of insults for a pile of shit : CONVERSATION THERAPY, the worst of humanity with genocides and Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

WHAT IS CONVERSATION THERAPY ?

“So-called Conversation Therapy is a range of dangerous and discredited practices that falsely claim to change a person’s sexual orientation or gender identity or expression” — Human Rights Campaign

I’ll let The Trevor Project explained it to you : Conversion therapy, sometimes referred to as “reparative therapy,” is any of several dangerous and discredited practices aimed at changing an individual’s sexual orientation or gender identity. Conversion therapists use a variety of shaming, emotionally traumatic or physically painful stimuli to make their victims associate those stimuli with their LGBTQ identities. According to studies by the UCLA Williams Institute, more than 700,000 LGBTQ people have been subjected to the horrors of conversion therapy, and an estimated 80,000 LGBTQ youth will experience this unprofessional conduct in coming years, often at the insistence of well-intentioned but misinformed parents or caretakers.

A QUICK HISTORY OF CONVERSATION THERAPY

Early 20th Century. Sigmund Freud stated that homosexuality could sometimes be removed through hypnotic suggestion. In his paper “The Psychogenesis of a Case of Homosexuality in a Woman”, he wrote that changing homosexuality was difficult and possible only under unusually good conditions (fear of society’s disapproval was not considered one of those). Success meant making heterosexual feelings possible, not eliminating homosexual feelings. Sure. Different time. Different ideas. Also, fuck you. I will give points to Freud with his response to a letter from a mother whose son was gay : “I gather from your letter that your son is a homosexual. … it is nothing to be ashamed of, no vice, no degradation; it cannot be classified as an illness; we consider it to be a variation of the sexual function, produced by a certain arrest of sexual development. … By asking me if I can help [your son], you mean, I suppose, if I can abolish homosexuality and make normal heterosexuality take its place. The answer is, in a general way we cannot promise to achieve it. In a certain number of cases we succeed in developing the blighted germs of heterosexual tendencies, which are present in every homosexual; in the majority of cases it is no more possible. It is a question of the quality and the age of the individual. The result of treatment cannot be predicted”.

When you think about it, the idea of curing homosexuality through therapy was kind of a step forward, as previous solutions were castration, frying one’s brain OR death.

One of the “great” minds behind modern conversation therapy was psychoanalytic theorist Edmund Bergler. His method could essentially be sum up to “BLAME THE VICTIM”. Bergler used confrontational therapy in which gay people were punished in order to make them aware of their masochism. He violated professional ethics to achieve this, breaking patient confidentiality in discussing the cases of patients with other patients, bullying them, calling them liars and telling them they were worthless. His studies and articles helped classify homosexuality as a mental disorder in 1952. From this period until the Stonewall Riot in 1969, conversion therapy received approval from most of the psychiatric establishment in the United States.

AND THEN CAME THE MOVEMENT

After the Riots, conversion therapy came under increasing attack. In 1973, with pressure from numerous activists and newly formed LGBT groups, The American psychiatric Association removed homosexuality as a mental disorder. Then all were saved from trying to change and every Gay rights were approved by the government. Peace and harmony was finally here. Oh, no. Wait.

AND THEN CAME THE CHRISTIANS

If the APA wasn’t going to treat homosexuals as mentally ill, the Religious Right would. Practicing aversion without any therapist licenses (which helps since they cannot be sued for malpractices), Gurus like Joseph Nicolosi and John Smid went on to create successful programs for years, persuading parents to involve their kids into weeks, months, years even, of costly and intense reconditionings.

Take for example Joseph Nicolosi. His website offers “psychological services to Men and Women whose Same-Sex attraction doesn’t define them”. He is described as a pioneer in the history of psychology, which he left as the profession was slowly abandoning the classic understanding of sexuality as being rooted in design and purpose (their words, not mine). He’s the author of masterpieces such as “Healing Homosexuality”, “A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality” and “Shame and Attachment Loss : The Practical Work of Reparative Therapy”. They don’t develop any specifics on how they reduce homosexual tendencies or how they cure the fags, but we can easily imagine.

YOU HAVE THE METHODS TO MAKE US STRAIGHT

The techniques that conversion therapy use are quite varied, but have one point that ties them all. They do not work.

Electroconvulsive Therapy (or Electroshock Therapy) : the art of sending electric charge into your brain, put together that the medical body before meds were like “hey! we’re here too!”. It was created in order to provide improvements in severe symptoms of mental health conditions such as depression, mania, catatonia, aggression and dementia. One that goes through ECT risks memory loss, physical side effects, medical complications, seizures, confusion.

Prayers : because God does not love you and you need to repent and be good. Be good. Be straight. Be what you were supposed to be.

Exorcism : when the prayers don’t work. in 2009 Manifested Glory Ministries came under fire for a youtube video showing a 16-year old being subjected to an exorcism to cure him of his homosexuality. Quote “Come on, you homosexual demon! You homosexual spirit ! We call you out right now ! Loose your grip, Lucifer” End quote.

Disconnection from exterior influences : That’s what happened to Mathew Shurka, who was forbidden from seeing his mother and sisters for over 3 years, to help him get rid of any “effeminate behavior”. He also went through extensive unlicensed therapy sessions and his father provided him with unprescribed viagra pills. Shurka is now a spokesman for the National Center for Lesbian Rights’s anti-conversion therapy campaign.

Aversive conditioning : the use of something unpleasant, or a punishment, to stop an unwanted behavior. For example, wire a homosexual to an electric machine, showing him porn and electrocuting him every time something sinful (aka gay porn) appears. You can also induce the patient with nausea or paralysis. Sometimes it’s not as drastic, with the use of elastic band to slap on you wrist.

Behavioral reconditioning : lessons about masculinity and femininity. Ways to improve posture, voice modification, walking patterns, etc.

The 12-step program : borrowed from the Alcoholics Anonymous program. As you try to manage your disease, you truly need to atone from your sins and ask for forgiveness.

MEANWHILE IN FRANCE

As most of the rest of Europe, Conversation Therapy is not strictly banned by law. Malte was the first european country to outlaw CT, with a year in prison and a 10.000 euros fine. Worldwide, only Brazil, Canada and a couple of US states (including California) have laws to protect LGBT+ citizens from this mental genocide that is CT.

In France, though on the marginal side, there is a few groups that provide services to cure someone from the evil of gay life. The government, which doesn’t seem to really care that much about it, had a hard time evaluating how many of them exist. Gay activist and author Louis-George Tin gives an estimate number of five to six. He also warns that licensed therapists still try to heal homosexuality in secret sessions. 

A first crisis of consciousness appeared in 2012 when an evangelical group called “Torrents de vie” offered services to reconnect with a saint heterosexuality, true femininity and true masculinity for the sweet deal of 410 euros. After the intervention of LGBT groups, the government started an investigation under the law that protects citizens against cults (as Conversation Therapy is a cult, don’t mistake it for anything else). Since then, few cases went forward in the country but this year, Majority Deputy Laurence Vanceunebrock-Mailon announced her intentions to write an official text to outlaw groups that pretend to change sexual orientations from gay to straight. It is supposed to be available to the assembly before summer 2019.

A CURE FOR ILLNESS

Guys, I’m launching my own Conversion Therapy in a few weeks.

It’s called “Don’t give up, Sweet Bigot”. As a unlicensed medical expert in anything, I can only give what you can call “life advice” and offer “hang out” sessions to those who seek redemption from the path of bigotry. You don’t like gay people ? You still they are sinful and worthy of burning in Hell ? The worst that society has to offer ? (thought we agreed the Kardashians were, but okay). This program is for YOU. Come and join me (for the extraordinary start-up prize of my monthly rent) and I’ll will show you how to accept more people, all colors, sex, gender, choices, life goals. Practices include midnight showings of my favorite gay porn on pornhub, going to ONE orgy (not multiple, I’m not that much of a party freak), having drinks by the Seine for our monthly Apero Queer, dancing time to the best of modern pop has to offer (see June 4th article, bigots), and off course, Electroconvulsive Therapy. GO TO www.sweetbigot.org AND GET FREE GLITTER NOW !

You may not know what conversion therapy and it may not be as deadly as HIV or daily physical attacks on LGBT+ members around the world, but it kills. Those who went through that torture fest are eight times more likely to commit suicide in the years that follow. Garrard Conley wrote a wonderful memoir about his time at Love in Action. It was adapted in a very informative film also titled “Boy Erased”. There’s also “The Miseducation of Cameron Post”, check it out.

Don’t send your kids there. It’s not love to try and change someone. It’s abuse. I’m gonna follow closely the events of this possible law against conversation therapy in France. We are painfully uninformed about what is going on around us. Time to kick some Jesus Freaks’ butts.

[tomandlance]

Exclusive Interview: Dustin Lance Black (and his husband Tom Daley) in Paris!

It was just before their surprise wedding, on May 8th: TÊTU met the director Dustin Lance Black and his fiancé, the diver Tom Daley.

Dustin Lance Black was the surprise guest of the Mania series in Paris. The filmmaker, Oscar winner in 2008 for the screenplay of Harvey Milk , came to defend When We Rise , his mini-series tracing 40 years of LGBT activism in the United States from the early 1970s to the present. On this occasion, TÊTU met exclusively the 42-year-old filmmaker to discuss his series, of course, but also the future of militancy and his next projects. While at her side, her husband, British Olympic diver Tom Daley, was watching ...

TÊTU: Your series When We Rise is aimed at an audience that knows nothing about the LGBT movement but about homosexuals, right?

Dustin Lance Black: Together! The show has been designed for a large audience but LGBTQ community members do not know much about their own story! That's why I said yes to ABC. In recent years, I have received several proposals from other networks to work on similar projects. We would surely have had more money, more time, but in the end we would have preached converts! We would have addressed a public already sensitized. For ABC, it was necessary to build a series that people who are not from the LGBT community are able to understand. That's why When We Rise does not start with LGBT activism, but with young people who campaign in feminist movements, for peace or for civil rights ...

You were not afraid that ABC, Disney's chain, would water down the series?

DLB: I wanted to work with them! I heard a rumor that they were trying to develop a project around LGBT issues. I asked to meet with the leaders of the chain to see if they were serious. When I realized they were, I told them "I'm going to need a year of research," which is very long for them. They said "no problem". It was inspiring because ABC was the only channel I had the right to watch when I was a kid. I grew up in a Southern family: Conservative, Military and Mormon. ABC was the only channel my mother let me watch because it is a family network. This show is the opportunity to touch children who, like me younger, may feel alone in the world. It is even the only reason to do it! You know, Nobody makes money with this kind of project. If you do this job for big checks, go write movies where the guys wear capes!

You started working on When We Rise long before the election of Donald Trump and yet the series resonates terribly with what is happening today in the United States. Or with what could happen in France ...

DLB: Or in the UK with the Brexit! (He turns to Tom Daley) It's your fault Tom, you started this bullshit!

Tom Daley: I know! (Laughter)

DLB: More seriously, I started writing the series four years ago. At that time, we were experiencing a very progressive and exciting time in the United States in the evolution of LGBT rights. And already at the time, I was afraid. Fear because we, the people of diversity, had lost our connection to each other. Yet there was a time when we were all in solidarity. Not only the LGBTQ, but also people who pray for another god, people from other countries, people whose skin color was different, workers ... But we ended up dividing. Thunderstruck by our own struggles. We have forgotten that we must also fight for our brothers, for our neighbors, as well as for us. To say that is not politically correct. It's being smart! If minorities do not work together then we will be easily defeated! My series puts forward several ideas, but one of the most important is that each of us on this planet, in your country as in mine, we are part of a minority. It only depends on how you divide the cake. What you can snatch from your neighbor, you can get him out tomorrow. No one is a majority. This is what When We Rise is talking about , though it is seen by the LGBTQ prism in the United States, but we can also make a comparison with the struggles of diversity here in France or England. We are part of a minority. It only depends on how you divide the cake. What you can snatch from your neighbor, you can get him out tomorrow. No one is a majority. This is what When We Rise is talking about , though it is seen by the LGBTQ prism in the United States, but we can also make a comparison with the struggles of diversity here in France or England. We are part of a minority. It only depends on how you divide the cake. What you can snatch from your neighbor, you can get him out tomorrow. No one is a majority. This is what When We Rise is talking about , though it is seen by the LGBTQ prism in the United States, but we can also make a comparison with the struggles of diversity here in France or England.

Condensing 40 years of LGBT history in 7 episodes is a real challenge ...

DLB: And if we remove the ads, there is only 6 hours of program! I have a lot of rushes, maybe one day I would make a director's cut! (Laughs) But there are tricks to get by. The first is to be very strategic and very determined on the story we want to tell. The challenge is not to tell the life of every person in the LGBT movement, only a handful of them who created a family in San Francisco to survive homophobia. It is their history, their perceptual. There are other LGBTQ heroes whose lives have not yet been told, many struggles that have never been described. I heard the frustrations of LGBT people telling me "you have not talked about this person! From this place ! Of this struggle! Instead of annoying me, it made me very happy. I said to myself, "Okay, I laid a frame, your turn to tell these lives! People begin to understand the power of history. This is something we have not had so far in the LGBT movement: a popularized and easily accessible story.

Can we see your series as a response to Stonewall , the film by Roland Emmerich, to whom many have criticized taking too much freedom with the reality of the riots in New York?

DLB: Let me tell you one thing: Roland is my friend. He has donated a lot of money to a number of causes, particularly in favor of LGBTQ youth in Los Angeles. He saved heaps of lives and I love him. So I may not be the right person to ask this question ... He made me read a version of his script and I told him what I thought. When I was researching When We Rise , I had interviewed Stonewall survivors. Two have since died. I sent the recordings to him and said, "These interviews are yours. You can do whatever you want. In a way, I see how he got closer to what I sent him but I also see how he got away from it ... But in the end, it's his film. I often tell my film students, When it comes to writing about a true story: each filmmaker must decide how much he wants to twist the truth before filming. I want to twist it as little as possible.

Is that why you want the activists whose lives you depict to be consultants on the series?

DLB: I try, as far as possible, to interview myself the people who have lived the things I want to tell. I do not like to rely on books or interviews. Interviews are often edited and a book is always the point of view of its author. When I write, I want to come closer to the truth to create an essential story. For opponents of equality will always try to say: "None of this has happened! And I refuse to give them that power. Even before the series was broadcast, American ultra-conservatives were already saying "this is all wrong! I was able to answer them: "The people who have lived through these events are there to tell you that everything is true. You will not snatch our history from us! "

You wrote Harvey Milk , J. Edgar , Part 8 , Now When We Rise ... Are you the one-man man: LGBT history?

DLB: I started as a screenwriter for series like Big Love , where I was mainly talking about my Mormon education. I've also produced, Prophet's Prey , a documentary about the Mormon Church and I will soon begin a mini series with Ron Howard, Under the banner of Heaven . This is another side of me, which has nothing to do with my homosexuality but it remains related to my experience. To be an artist is to be endowed with a history. The more complicated the better! (Laughs) And the more one puts oneself in a narrative, the more it becomes universal. For example, at this time,

Why are you looking at Tom?

DLB: Because Tom is the symbol of romance! (he smiles)

TD: And I'm the star of his film!

DLB: Do not say that, it's going to make the front page of all the English tabloids! I would like to make this film next fall. And I also work on a biopic by Byron Rustin (a close adviser to Martin Luther King), who was also gay, for HBO. There is so much to tell because LGBT history has been buried for so long. Women's movements or for racial equality have had the right to films! And it gives people inspiration. Thanks to them, they feel less isolated. All this work has not taken place on LGBT history. Forty years ago, in the United States, you were at risk of electroshock, lobotomy or prison treatment just for writing this story. We lost time because at the time, to do what I do today, the price to pay was too high. And if my mission is to rectify that,

When We Rise episodes are available on Canal Plus Series