Words are the closest thing to a way I can make sense of my somewhat-of-a-self-identity-crisis-but-in-writing thing, and even then it can only express a mere fraction of whatever it is that I'm feeling. So bear with me as I try to verbalise this in an at least semi-coherent way.
I've been trying out a variety of writing styles and techniques lately. I've been discovering ways to do more of 'showing' and less of 'telling'.
I like the indirectness of it.
Actually, no -- that's not quite it. That's not it at all.
I think I like telling stories obliquely and only providing vague details not only because I'm a lazy arse who has no idea how to describe things in a direct and clear way but also because-- actually, I have no idea how to explain this in a way that isn't incomprehensible.
I can't quite explain it, but I think I like stories that can only be told in a vague way, like providing the puzzle pieces so that you get to piece things together the way you want it. The resulting picture would just be your own interpretation. I just like being subtle and merely imply the meaning of some things so anyone can interpret my stories their own way.
No, no. That doesn't make any sense either, does it?
And that's only one of the many things I'm still trying out and working on!
It's just. There's so much to try! I don't even know what I want. I've said this in my recent fic's A/N and I'll just say it again here: I'm experimenting with different things in writing the way a child would mix soap and shampoo in a bath. Which is a waste of time (and of shampoo and soap, which clearly does not apply in this scenario, but again, really cba to think of a better analogy here) but I can't help it because it's so fun.
Sometimes I think I don't even *have* a style. Sometimes I think I'll never have one. But I dunno.
Just ignore me as I try to mull this over. I'm just 'in my feels' and screaming this out into the abyss that's in the form of my silly little blog. Thank you for indulging me.
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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
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”Never ignore your gut feelings!” my gut feelings tell me that Freddy Fazbear is outside of my door at night
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tumblr developers cranking it into overdrive to make sure one of the few unique and usable social media sites remaining becomes a half-formed failed homunculus clone of tiktok like every other fucking website
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Bisan is calling for another global strike!
I saw some posts just outlining Jan 21st, and wanted to clarify that Bisan has called for a full seven days of action.
What a global strike would look like is:
calling in sick to work
purchasing bare essentials ahead of the week so you can observe the general boycott of goods / buying as little as you genuinely can
putting in a concerted effort to elevate Palestinian voices and make it clear that this strike is in support of a permanent ceasefire!
For those who will have to purchase necessary goods during this time, please observe the brands that the BDS movement is asking us to boycott!
♢♢♢
Right now is also a good time to mention some better uses for your money during this week.
Available e-sims in Gaza are running low!!
Mirna El Helbawi and her team are working round the clock to continue to connect Palestinians as Israel does its best to cut them off from the rest of the world.
You can learn how to purchase and send e-sims here, and below you’ll find a list of what is currently needed (the areas in brackets indicate what region you should select to buy e-sims in).
--
CareforGaza is an organisation that does verifiably good work, distributing supplies directly to Palestinian families.
They have a Gofundme set up at the moment, but because of Gofundme’s poor track record regarding refusing to transfer funds to Palestinians, I’d recommend continuing to donate directly to their PayPal here.
Good luck to all of you. Don't turn away from Palestine!
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IMPORTANT: TUMBLR HAS MADE A DEAL WITH MIDJOURNEY/OPENAI.
YOUR ART AND IMAGES ON TUMBLR ARE BEING USED TO TRAIN AI MODELS.
The opt-in is automatic, but you can turn it off in settings.
Go to "Blog Settings" -> "Visibility" -> "Third-Party Sharing" and turn on "Prevent third-party sharing for [blog]". (This post shows how to do it on browser and on mobile.) You need to do this with every sideblog. (Note: The option in settings might not appear if your app hasn't updated yet. You can still opt out via browser.)
Spread the word. Everyone on Tumblr needs to know about this.
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