#you guys have no idea. ive known this from the start. the pain of seeing everyone get so attached to her too </3</3</3

[sporeclan]

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Biggest emotional roller coaster of a moon yet </3

Bonus author's notes;

[tojikai]

Open Arms

PART I: Fix You  |   PART II: The Sun Will Rise  |   PART III: Closest to Heaven | PART IV: Open Arms

Pairing: Toji x Reader

Genre: Angst

"Lightning never strikes the same place twice."

"I have a little sister," Megumi muttered in the passenger seat. Amazement and joy were evident in his voice. Toji put on his seatbelt and hummed in response, slightly amused by his son's reaction. It's like he still can't believe it. 

It was sunny when they entered the cafe earlier. Now, it started to rain. The weather seemed to be mimicking the turn of events; finding out about his daughter with you and finding out that you have someone else now.

"Aimi's very pretty; she looks like her." A sincere smile made its way to Toji's lips as he tapped on the steering wheel's shiny yet rough surface. "Y/N's got a boyfriend," He added, laughing bitterly, nodding his head as if the information was just starting to settle in. Toji sniffed as he looked ahead, trying to think of something other than the image of you, your boyfriend, and his daughter walking away.

It hurts too much. And Toji doesn't think he can move on from you.

The windshield caught the fine droplets of rain, only for them to roll down. The crystal clear waters of the rain made all the roads look darker. It reminded him of how beautiful you looked today, as you painted his heart gray. 

"She didn't tell me about it when we first met again." Megumi looked down, feeling sorry for his dad. He saw the look in his eyes as he watched the other man wrap his arms around you. He felt terrible that he didn't ask you about it. He felt bad that he didn't consider the possibility that you might've moved on with someone new during the years that you were gone.

"I'm sorry, I didn't ask. I could've told you beforehand." Megumi knows that having known about it before the meeting wouldn't really lessen his father's heartache, but he thought that he would at least be prepared for it. And even if Toji knew that you already have someone else before the meeting today, he'd still come to see you.

Oh, what he wouldn't do just to see your face again.

"It's alright, don't worry." He swallowed the rising pain in his chest. Megumi was silent after his short response. Toji could tell that his excitement to bring the two of you together again was what distracted him from asking about your new life.

"At least, we'd still see her when she brings Aimi." Despite the soundof her baby daughter's beautiful name, the context of the statement left a bitter taste in Toji's mouth. It's a hard thing to say for someone who's hoping to get back together with their ex.

You must be really happy with him. His thoughts sent him back to the time that you two were together as he parked his car in the garage. He heard Megumi say that he'd be going ahead inside, but he couldn't bring himself to answer as countless ideas ran through his mind.

It could've been him. It could've been him who you are so happy with. He could've made you feel loved. He could've made you feel beautiful as much as your boyfriend does today. You could've been with him right now, resting at home as you enjoy the rain with Megumi and Aimi.

It all suddenly feels too painful again that Toji had to lean on the car to prevent himself from breaking down on his knees. He thought that seeing you and his daughter was enough for him, but when it dawned on him that he was once in that guy's place, all the heartbreak that he'd been suppressing in that cafe came rushing into his veins, spreading like wildfire.

Toji is strong. But not strong enough to stand through the pain of entirely letting you go.

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BEFORE THE MEETING

"It's best if this one's just between the three of us." You sighed, fixing your lipstick in front of the circular mirror attached to the cabinet. The day has come, and the anxiety inside you has made your heart feel thick and exposed. You could see the annoyed look in your boyfriend's eyes as you watched his reflection.

"You're wearing that?" He asked, ignoring your explanation, and the hint of a scoff didn't go unnoticed by you, but you chose not to pick a fight with him. After all, he agreed with this, even if it's not okay with him.  The least you could do is comply and accept his conditions. You decided to look at it as him being protective of you.

"Do you think it's a bit...revealing?" It felt like it's been the fifth time that you asked him that today. He kept asking you to change and wear something appropriate. But what is appropriate when meeting your ex-husband for him? Is it not a three-fourth sleeved dress that goes past your thigh?

'Maybe the neckline's too low.' You thought as your boyfriend stared at you with a distressed look on his face.You felt bad that you're leaving him out for this, but you didn't want to make both parties uncomfortable. 

Aside from that, what you're going to talk about is no small matter. Your daughter is concerned, and you could only expect so much reaction from Toji and Megumi. It just doesn't feel right if you bring someone unfamiliar to witness that. It's an intimate moment between a parent, a brother, and a child who's about to meet for the very first time. You feel like the presence of your boyfriend could cause them to hold back on some things.

You don't really get why you're explaining these things inside your head when you know that it is your right to decide about this. You just thought that your boyfriend might need a thorough clarification. After all, he's a part of your life now, too.

"Get changed. Wear something conservative. I don't want anything to happen to you." He said sternly as you just finished fixing your earrings. It kind of offended you; for him to think like that.

He's worried. He can't help it. You mentally remind yourself before you start saying something that could end up in an argument. Instead, you let your own note ease the creases on your forehead.

"Would you mind picking one for me?" You rushed to the dresser on the other side of the room, giving him a small smile in an attempt to light up the mood. You get that he's upset about the situation, but you didn't think that he'd be this sulky.

"I'd call when I'm coming to pick you up." He stood beside you, scanning through your neatly hung clothes inside the dresser. You stayed silent as you thought of a way to address his question.

"Uhm… maybe I could just call you when we're done. You know like, just to let them spend as much time as they can with each other." You took the dress that he handed to you, seeing his eyebrows bump closer together. "Aimi, Toji, and Megumi, I mean." You quickly added. Your lips felt so dry despite the newly applied gloss on top of it.

"No, I'll pick you up. I don't think it'd be right to leave you with him for long." He insisted, fixing the straps of his watch. He sighed loudly as you turned around to face him, looking at him with a slightly open mouth.

"You think I'd do something?" You chuckled in disbelief before proceeding to take off your dress to change it with the one he picked. You stripped off your dress, looking up at him as you waited for his answer. It was slightly humid that morning, but this discourse is making your toes feel cold.

"Not you. But what if he does something? How sure are you that he wouldn't harm you?" He bit back, watching you turn around. His hand automatically reached for the zipper of the dress to pull it up. Tiny goosebumps formed on your skin as you felt his finger graze the skin on your back.

"He's not like that." You clicked your tongue, getting tired of the discourse.

"You get so defensive when it comes to him, you know. Did you forget how shitty he made you feel?" That hurt. Every time you remember the love that you had for Toji and what you got in return, it takes you back to that situation. You never fought with your boyfriend about this, and he hit you just right where it hurts the most.

"You don't even have to remind me that." You whispered as your eyes locked on the floor. You were almost taken back to the time when you had to endure all those nights feeling like you were the most complex person to love.

"Look, at this point, we won't get anywhere with this." He exhaled, stepping away to walk past you towards the door. "I won't come with you this time, but you have to understand that it's not good for you to stay around him for long. It's not good for us." He added as he slammed the door on his way out. He might seem a bit controlling, but you know that he's only worried for you.

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You stood in front of their house as the person's footsteps from the other side got closer. Aimi was babbling in your arms as she pointed at the different plants and flowers she had spotted around the neighborhood. 

You heard the door's lock click before it opened, revealing Toji in a beige sweater. His hair was still wet, and his eyes held a tender gaze in them as they looked into yours. Seeing his face against the sunlight made you realize that the cold depths of despair were now gone in his eyes.

Megumi wasn't lying when he said that his father had finally moved on from his mom.

"Hey," He spoke softly at you, making Aimi turn her head to look at him. Her little squeals of joy almost surprised you because she's only met him once and for a short amount of time, but she's already so excited to go into his arms. The little kid wiggled as she reached out to Toji, who gladly picked her up.

"How's my Aimi?" He cooed at her, and you could swear that it stirred a feeling in your chest, something that made you nod your head without a second thought when Toji asked you to go inside and stay for a little bit.

“You don't have to stay if someone's waiting for you. I mean, I'm not asking you to leave, but I didn't see your car, and your boyfriend might be outside.” He asked, trying as hard as he could to start a normal conversation with you as he put Aimi's bag down on the couch before gesturing for you to take a sit. 

Toji secretly hoped that your boyfriend was not outside. Because he doesn't really want him inside the house. As much as he wants to act civil around him for you and your daughter's sake, Toji doesn't think he can sit and laugh with him inside the home he once shared with you, the home you once covered in your light.

"No, my mom dropped us off. He usually just comes over on Sundays or whenever he is free. He's got work, and we don't really live together." You looked around the room and were surprised to see that everything you had arranged was still in place. The colors of the curtain were the same color as you liked them. The vase you bought from that mountain town you toured with Megumi was still there. The custom-made bookshelf you ordered at the shop downtown. All of them.

"Sorry, I…I didn't really change anything here. They're still your stuff. Does it…Does it bother you?" You flinched when Toji spoke beside you, sitting Aimi on his lap. A glass of juice was now placed on the small table in front of you. How long have you been looking around?

"N-no. Not at all. It's just… it reminded me of when I lived here." You stammered, and you knew it wasn't the best answer when Toji sighed and looked down. Guilt was apparent in his eyes, and he probably thought that you were talking about the heartbreak you had to endure within these four walls.

"I like it," You tried to console him without being obvious. "I… I kind of missed it, actually." You added, seeing a sad smile crawl up to his lips.

"It's alright. I understand." The door opened just as he answered, and Megumi came into view. His eyes lit up when he saw you and Aimi. The little girl broke free from Toji when Megumi opened her arms to her, picking her up before walking towards you to give you a kiss on the cheek.

"I bought something from a nearby convenience store." He explained, dropping the small paper bag on the table before plopping down on the loveseat with a squealing Aimi pulling on her brother's spiky locks.

Once again, you found yourself admiring the sight in front of you. You were wonderstruck by how happy your little girl is and how smiley Megumi is even as Aimi pulls on his hair too hard.

You never thought that having a feeling of longing inside your chest could make you feel this guilty as you thought of your boyfriend. You cannot get used to this. You cannot get too fond of this because someone's waiting for you.

"I, uh, I have to go now. I'll just pick Aimi up later and—" You began to gather your things as you sat up straight, preparing to leave when Megumi cut you off.

"It's Saturday. You teach at a high school around here, right? Do you work on Saturdays?" His eyes held hope as they looked into yours. You know that he'd want you to stay for a bit longer. Not just for the sake of his little sister, but also for catching up.

"She might have some other things to do, Megumi. Teachers are busy people." Toji stood up to fetch his keys. He knows that you can't say 'No' to Megumi, so he took the stage for you and indirectly rejected his son's unsaid request.

"Oh yeah, sorry. You can just…visit anytime you want." He forced a small smile as Aimi waved her little hands at you, seeing you pick up your bag. She must be really comfortable here, that she's not even trying to run after you.

"Be a good girl. Mama will be back later." You kissed her forehead as she slightly nodded at your words. You gave Megumi an apologetic look for not staying. "We'll hang out next time," You patted his head to reassure him. You could tell that he also wants to spend time with you.

When you looked back, Toji was already staring at you with the same look he had when he saw you entering the cafe.

You could only imagine what would happen if his boyfriend saw him looking at you like this. He's been a bit more possessive ever since you decided to meet with Toji again, but you understand that he's only afraid to lose you.

"Uhm, I'll get going now." Toji blinked as if he was snapped out of a trance. He looked at you for a couple of seconds before humming and heading towards the door with his car keys dangling in his fingers.

"You didn't bring your car, right? I'll drive you to your house." He spoke as you looked back one more time to his living room and the two kids who are now playing on the carpeted floors. You didn't know how a simple sight could make you feel so warm.

"Yeah, it's on the repair shop, but it's okay. I can take the cab, don't worry." You replied as you awkwardly avoided his eyes. To be honest, you didn't want to take the cab. Ever since you got your own car, you could only count on your fingers the total number of times that you took it.

You pulled out your phone to contact a driver when his hand gently grabbed your wrist. You almost pulled back as you looked beside you, only to remember that your boyfriend wasn't with you. And that's another reason why you don't want him to take you home. What if your boyfriend's home? It's Saturday. It's not impossible for him to get off work early or even have a day off.

"Sorry," He drew his hand back before pointing to his car, opening his mouth as he thought of what he was trying to say. You didn't know that it could get this awkward when it's just the two of you alone.

"You know… just let me drive you home. I can explain to your, erm, your boyfriend if you're worried about that." He can still read you like an open book. The words 'your boyfriend' slipped out of his mouth so fast, like he didn't even want to use it in the first place.

"It's not like that." You didn't mean to sound so defensive about that topic, but you know that it really is like that. You don't know what your boyfriend would say if he saw Toji taking you home. You remember how he reacted when you told him about your co-parenting plan for the first time. 

"I can't believe you really want to co-parent with someone who treated you like that, Y/N." Your boyfriend laughed and scoffed at the same time as if it was the most ridiculous and unbelievable thing in the universe. You have been arguing about this matter for a couple of minutes now, and he's still trying to convince you not to do it.

To be honest, his reaction exceeded your expectations. Your initial thought was that even if he didn't like the idea of it, he'd still support you. It's definitely not these words of mockery.

"It's not about me. It's about his daughter. I don't want her to grow up not knowing his father." You answered him with a frown, showing him that you didn't appreciate the way he responded to your life plan. You thought he'd always support you. But on the other hand, you thought of how hard it must be for him to share you with someone, even if it's just for your daughter's sake.

"And I don't want to take away his rights from him. He deserves to know of her. You're a man, too. I'm sure you wouldn't want your daughter or son taken away from you." He stood up, shaking his head as he looked at you with both disbelief and irritation in his eyes. You looked down, not wanting to see the disappointment anymore.

You know that your boyfriend is not the best person when angry, but aren't we all? 

"You don't even know if he'd want her. Hell, he didn't even want you back then, Y/N!" He harshly spoke to your face, and you couldn't help the tears that formed in your eyes. He doesn't mean them. He's angry. You thought as you wiped away your tears. You don't know what to say back to him because you know that it's possible and true.

The small lampshade at your bedside table casts your figure's shadow on the wall. You were sobbing in your hands, and the shallow sniffs that escaped you were soon cut off by your boyfriend's apologies.

"Y/N, baby, I'm just looking out for you. What if he hurts you again?" He kneeled in front of you by the edge of the bed. His hands caressed circles on your knuckles before kissing them and reaching out to wipe your tears.

"I know what I'm doing. I just want you to support and understand me." You continuously sob, feeling him move to sit beside you before enveloping you in his arms.

"Fine, then. Alright." He sighed, rubbing your back and kissing the side of your head. "Just don't let him take you away from me, Y/N. You're doing this for Aimi, remember." Your boyfriend might seem possessive, but you know that he's only looking out for you.

"Then it shouldn't be a problem. I'm just trying to make things easier and more comfortable for you here. Don't worry, I know where I stand." The words made your eyes wide, and you didn't know if it was just a coincidence or if he intentionally used the words you had told him before.

Looking up at him, you have proven it to be the latter. You wondered if he also felt this guilt bubbling up in his throat when you turned away from him with those words that night. You don't know which is more painful: distance yourself from the person you love because they're holding on to their past, or distance yourself from someone you love because they 've already got someone else standing beside them?

You don't know how your eyes looked back then, but the sorrow in Toji's eyes right now is far too prominent to not notice. You nodded as you hummed to him, bringing his eyes back to you.

"That's fine by me. Thank you." His shoulders relaxed as he gave you a small smile, beckoning you to follow him. You stared at his back as you walked towards his car, and even if his build is still standing as tall and fit as he did back then, you couldn't help but notice how he had lost some weight.

You murmured a small 'thank you' as he opened the passenger side for you. You watched him walk across to get in his seat and also just now noticed the dark circles under his eyes. Were you so tense at the cafe that you're only seeing these things now?

"I never really got the chance to ask how life is going for you right now, you know? It's all 'how are you's, and then we jumped to business." You started, trying to clear the awkwardness in the air as you sat in the car, looking at him through the small, rectangular-shaped mirror.

"Yeah, I guess. We were too busy with Aimi at that time." He chuckled, scratching his head as he stared back at you, smiling genuinely. Being inside the car muted every single noise outside, and even the softest hitch of a breath could be heard. You don't know if he just caught yours now.

It's not like you're falling for him again. You have someone now, and you wouldn't do anything that could make them lose their trust in you. It's just that… that smile was a rare one. Even when you two were still dating, you rarely saw him smile that truthfully. It made your heart soft to know that his daughter's name could easily bring that out of him.

"But I'm doing okay. Work's not that heavy, and I mostly stay at home with 'Gumi during free days. And sometimes, very seldomly, drink out." He answered, inserting the key into the ignition and starting the car.

You're more than happy to know that he didn't spend three years moping around. You doubted that he would, anyway. You know that he's better than that. He cares for Megumi, and he wouldn't let him experience something as hard as taking care of a drunk father.

"I cleaned the whole house, kept away a couple of things. Just stuff I should've done many years ago." He looked down before looking at you, and you thought the three years that he was summarizing in a few words were playing inside the irises of his eyes. You couldn't look away.

"What about you? What did you do these past three years?" If the car hadn't started moving, you wouldn't have been able to tear your eyes away from his face. It shouldn't be like this when you're already in love with someone else. You swallowed as you looked down at your fingers.

"I worked for a few months. Then I had Aimi. My family helped with our needs at that time. Then I got back to work after a year, and Mom took care of Aimi sometimes." You trailed. Your brain suddenly ran out of words to describe how the years went by for you. 

Toji thought about how hard it must've been for you. Alone, in an unfamiliar place with an infant and a broken heart. He still doesn't know how it's going to be like for the two of you every day, but if he can, if you will let him, he'd like to make it all up to you. Maybe not in the way that he wants, but in a way that you and your daughter need.

"I'll take her to work with me. I mean, you're a teacher, and you got way more things to pay attention to when working while I'm just sitting in an office." He proposed, and to be honest, it doesn't sound bad at all.

You've been feeling bad for having to call your mom every now and then to look after Aimi and even thought of hiring a nanny because of it. You don't feel at ease with the idea of leaving your daughter to a hired person, but if she's with Toji, you know that she's safe.

"Are you sure? Your boss might not like having a kid in the building." Your eyes switch between him and the road as you completely relax in your seat. The uneasy feeling of being in a confined space with your ex is now gone, and only the comfort brought about by the conversation between two parents discussing what's best for their daughter can be sensed.

"No, she won't mind. I told her about it already, actually. She was happy about it and even asked to meet Aimi. She's in the age when she's starting to miss the childhood of her own kids, you know." He laughed lightly, and you internally sighed, seeing how smoothly everything might just go for your co-parenting plan.

"That's great, then. You can tell me when you can bring her. I can drop her off at your office." You smiled at him, quickly looking down when his eyes flicked to your lips. You wanted to help Toji move on even though you knew how hard it might be for him, mainly because he'd have to see you a couple of times every week.

"It's still open." You pointed to an ice cream shop that you used to take Megumi to back then. It was a lone store by the curve, and the three of you liked that place because there were not many people. It was quiet and cozy. The colors are very pleasing to the eyes because of their cool yet bright tones.

"You wanna take Aimi there tomorrow? I'm sure Megumi would be excited to show her around." You remember the colorful containers of jimmies and the toppings that one could freely choose from. Aimi would surely love to go there. But you're not so sure if your boyfriend would appreciate you not spending time with him on his only free day. The smile on your face quickly vanished, and you looked away from the reflection of the ice cream shop, getting smaller and smaller in the mirror as the car moved farther away from it.

"Nevermind, it's Sunday tomorrow. Your boyfriend would be home." Toji cleared his throat, and you're sure that he noticed how your mood about going to the shop changed. You feel bad that you won't be able to join them, but you also don't want to leave your boyfriend alone. You're not planning on taking him with you because that would be really disrespectful to Toji.

"Sorry, I'll just…Next week. We can all go together next week." You answered briefly, looking out the window to avoid looking at his face in the rearview mirror. The leaves are blurred, yet you can tell that they're dewy from how hard you are looking at them to distract yourself.

You might just say fuck it and agree to go with them even if your boyfriend is coming to your house.

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Everything might be going smoothly between you and your ex, but not between you and your boyfriend, who clenches his jaw as he drives you to Toji's to pick Aimi up. He came home today just shortly after Toji dropped you off. 

 "I don't know why you're still so angry about this. We already talked it through." You sighed exasperatedly as he clenched his hands around the steering wheel tightly. The skies are orange in color as the sun begins to set. This scenery could've made this ride a little more soft and memorable if your boyfriend wasn't being moody beside you.

You argue a lot. But as your mother said, "It's normal, especially when the relationship is young." and you've held on to that ever since. You thought that maybe you just don't know how people act when they genuinely care for you.

"Is it wrong for me to worry about you going in and out of his house?" He bit back at you. His voice was a little louder and rougher than how he usually talks. His fist collided with the lines of the steering wheel as the light turned red.

"Nothing's going to happen. What kind of a woman do you think I am? And I already told you he's not like that." You turned to face him, eyebrows knitted together in frustration as you ran your hands through your hair. 

"That's not what I'm angry about. Why does it have to be that often? Every week? Really?" He scoffed at you, and you felt like pulling every strand of your hair from your head because you were tired of arguing about these things. Ever since the co-parenting thing was brought up, he's always been starting fights about it. You were sure that you explained everything to him, though.

"That's why it's co-parenting. It's a plan. I can't just bring Aimi whenever I want. It's our child, half of him and a half of me. Of course, we'd need to have as equal as possible time with Aimi." You're trying to stay calm because you don't want to arrive there in the state you both are in right now. It's definitely going to be more awkward than when they met in the cafe. 

"It might just be you. Are you sure you're not just dragging him onto this?" His words are starting to hurt, and you can tell that he's going down that path again, the path to your past, and what your relationship with Toji was like.

 "How can you say that? You're being insensitive right now." You were in disbelief. It's only been the first day, and it's already like this. You wondered how things would go like in the following days, and you could only pray that they would get better because you were trying your best to put yourself in his shoes. 

"I'm being insensitive? Or are you just being too sensitive? I'm simply telling the truth, Y/N. Didn't you hide your kid from him because you thought that he wouldn't want her? What if he just agrees with this out of obligation?" He screamed at you making you flinch. You didn't flinch because of the volume of his voice. You flinched because what he said hit you right where it hurts.

"He's not! He loves Aimi. He's even taking her to work. How could you even talk about Aimi like that?" You held back a sob as you said the last sentence. He said 'your kid' like he doesn't see Aimi as his daughter. If you're going to be together, he's going to have to look at her as his own, too. That's what you told yourself when you started seeing each other.

"I don't know." He sighed, shaking his head, as if every argument you just laid out to him were jokes. "I don't know why you keep pushing it with him. If you struggle there, don't ask me for anything." He stopped the car in front of Toji's house, and you sat there, controlling your tears. 

You never really asked him for anything. You got together with him when you already had Aimi and lived an established life alone with her. You didn't ask him for support because you didn't want anyone to think that you're using him to substitute for your missing baby daddy. You simply liked the way he comforted you, made your feelings valid, and made you feel like you were really there. He gave you what Toji didn't give you when you were together.

But these are definitely not what he's doing right now. You wonder if you made the wrong choice to move back here. You thought that maybe this was a bad thing for your new relationship. But you reminded yourself that it's all for Aimi, and that you'd already planned to do this even before she was born. You don't want your daughter to feel incomplete. There's nothing you wouldn't give up for her.

"If you want someone to provide for the two of you, I can do it. You don't even need him." You know that the statement was meant to make you feel assured that you had someone to lean on, but for some reason, it made you feel angry. He was saying that you only brought Aimi to Toji because you wanted child support.

"But Aimi does! Aimi needs him because he's her father. Stop making this about me." You snapped, unbuckling your seatbelt as you saw him shake his head at the side of your eyes. A derisive chuckle escaped his lips as you got out of the car.

He can get angry as much as he wants, but he's not stopping you from doing what you think is best for your daughter. Even if you argue every day.

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Toji was sitting on the bed with a giggling Aimi lying on his chest as he scrolled through the online store. He was looking for more stuff that his daughter might need when she's in here. He and Megumi already went shopping the next day after you introduced Aimi to him, but he feels like he still needs more. 

Megumi was lying on his stomach beside them when the doorbell rang. Toji, knowing that it was you, stood up immediately. Aimi looked up at him as if she knew that her Mama was finally there to pick her up.

"It's probably, Mama. We're going to open the door for her and fetch your things, alright?" He bounced her up and down as they made their way to the front door. 

"Mama, door." The toddler mimicked, pointing towards the door, and Toji could only hum as he kissed her chubby cheeks, making her laugh. It was the most beautiful sound to him. He was reminded of how awestruck he was when Megumi first started talking and realized how long ago that was already.

"Mama!" Aimi squealed and eagerly reached out to you when Toji opened the door. Toji was about to ask you to come in while he gets Aimi's things and some toys they bought when he saw your boyfriend striding towards you with a small smile on his face. He greeted Toji with a nod as he put an arm around your shoulder. He wanted to roll his eyes. But he held back and nodded back in return.

"Let me get Aimi's things first. You can, uh, you can come in if you want." Toji scratched his head as he opened the door wider for the two of you. You smiled at him and he was sure that you were about to let yourselves in when your boyfriend answered for you.

"It's okay, we're kind of in a rush. I'm taking Y/N out for a date tonight." He pulled you closer to him. This isn't the first time he saw you two like this, but the throbbing in his chest didn't lessen one bit. Your smile faded for a second as you looked up at your boyfriend before smiling and muttering a quiet "Yeah." to Toji. 

"Oh, alright then." He hurried, biting his lips as he tried to stop his hand from squeezing everything that he held in his hand.

He doesn't know how long the stinging pain in his chest would last. He can only hope to be numbed by it as time goes by. 

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 A month went by fast and the co-parenting is going better than you thought. Today, you're picking up Aimi from Toji's office. You parked your car outside the building and recited the floor number and the direction to his room in your head. Whenever you drop off and pick up Aimi in his company building, Toji always just meets you outside, so this is the first time you're ever going up there. 'To save you the hassle.' as he worded it, which you really appreciate a lot.

As for your boyfriend, you're grateful that the fights had died down, but the problem now is his distant behavior towards you. You thought that maybe it's still because of this co-parenting that he's acting up. You plan on talking it out with him when he visits you during the weekends. You don't really want to just stay like this with him. You value him in your life and even if your relationship isn't even a year old yet, you still don't want it to go to waste. 

On the way to Toji's office, you were glad that you didn't run into anyone who knew you. As much as you'd like to meet your mutual friends again, you're also not in the mood to talk about whatever has happened in your life.

You knocked on Toji's door and heard a 'come in' and some of Aimi's adorable giggles from the inside. You smiled at the thought of your little girl and his dad bonding together even when he's at work. 

You thought that he'd be the one playing with Aimi when you entered the room, but to your surprise, it was an unknown woman who was holding the toddler as Toji sat beside her on the office couch. You remember Toji telling you that there's someone at his work that could look after Aimi if he has meetings and she must be that person. He was facing them and the woman was playing with your daughter. They looked like a family.

A happy family.

You didn't understand the pang in your chest as you stared at them. They're both looking at you as if you're an intruder in their own little world. To see your daughter in another woman's arms as the man you used to love gazed at them with soft eyes is something you didn't expect to bring back the pain you felt before.

Was this how he felt all those times that he watched you and your boyfriend pick up Aimi from his house?

You blinked when you remembered your boyfriend. You shouldn't be feeling like this when you already have a boyfriend. You shouldn't be longing like this when there's already someone by your side. You know that you shouldn't feel like this, but this is the first time you saw him with another woman and it fucking hurts.

"Hey. This is Yuka, she helps here with Aimi." He stood up, taking Aimi from her as she smiled at you. You wondered if she was his secretary. If she's here during this hour, she must be working for him or something.

"She's a close friend of mine." Oh. A close friend. "Yuka, this is Y/N. She's Aimi's mother. The ex-girlfriend I told you about." You wanted to sneer but stopped yourself. After all, you already have a loving boyfriend. There's no reason for you to feel bitter about being called the ex-girlfriend. It's the truth. He's simply introducing you.

"Hello, Ms. Y/N. Toji told me a lot about you." Well, he never told me about you. The irritation was rising within you in a way that you couldn't quite fathom. She took care of your daughter. The least you could do is be nice to her.

"Oh well…they better be good things." You joked, making the woman laugh as she looked at Toji, who was also staring at Yuka with a small smile on his face. So, he smiles for other people, too? It's nice to see that he's finally moving forward. 

You already did, it's only right that he does too. You only wish him the best.

"Mama, mama! Toy!" Aimi waved in front of your face as you walked to her bag, which was placed on a single chair near his table. You just wanted to get out of here. You suddenly felt suffocated. Maybe you could call your boyfriend over and spend some time together. You're probably just tired.

Before you could put the bag on your shoulder, Toji already took it from your hand. Smiling down at Aimi as the toddler reached out to his face. He kissed her forehead before locking eyes with you. 

"I'll drive you home, let's go." He muttered as he stepped away from you. That was the closest his face had been to you ever since your first meeting. You quickly looked away and hummed at him, before looking over to Yuka, who's now sitting back down on the couch. 

"Yuka, I'll be back in a few," Toji called out to her as she gave him a sweet smile. She waved to you and Aimi and you couldn't help but wonder what she really is to Toji. If she'll be waiting here 'til he comes back, then they must have plans.

You swallowed as you silently followed Toji outside his office. It's none of your business anymore. Whoever he's seeing is none of your business. The only thing you're concerned about is how they'll treat your daughter. And Yuka seems to be taking good care of Aimi, so you shouldn't be worrying too much. There's nothing more to think about.

But if they're more than close friends, Yuka would be a lucky girl, for she wouldn't have to feel like a filler for someone who isn't there anymore. Unlike how you felt back then.

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"Hey babe, It's Saturday, you coming over tonight?" You spoke on the phone as you locked the door. You're about to pick Aimi up at Toji's when you decide that you'd give him a quick call. 

“Uhm, no baby, not really. Sorry, we're just really busy here. Maybe on Tuesday, I can take a day off." You frowned at his answer. If he won't be coming tomorrow, that'd be the third Sunday you won't be spending time together. You wonder how busy it is at his work that even he can't even visit you on Sundays.

"Oh, is that so? It's fine, then let's just go out on Tuesday after my class. Please, don't skip your meals. I love you." You sighed internally, not wanting to add to his worries, stress, and work. You won't lie and say that it's perfectly fine with you. You felt a bit neglected, but you have to understand that he also has things to do. Just like how he tries to understand your situation with Toji.

"Yeah, babe. You too. Bye." Just like that, he ended the call. Maybe there's really a lot going on in there. He probably just took a short break. He's not always like this, anyway. Just these past few weeks. Walking to your car, you remember how the past Sunday went. 

You spent time with Toji, Megumi, and Aimi at the ice cream shop. You had to endure the ride to the shop listening to Toji talk to Yuka on the phone. At first, they were discussing work matters; then the next they're talking about this new restaurant around the block and how they should visit it after work.

"They're going with colleagues," Megumi spoke, as you both sat waiting for the Toji who ordered your ice creams with Aimi in his arms. The little kid was so happy when she saw all the colors inside the shop that you momentarily forgot how Toji was so busy talking with someone else on your supposedly 'bonding day.' even if you're not a whole family anymore.

But that's just it. You just wished that he'd pay more attention to Aimi and Megumi rather than his 'close friend' who he probably sees every day in the office. It's not about you. You also have a boyfriend to text. It just takes him a couple of minutes to reply because he's busy, but he still does. 

“It's probably a company dinner. They always have that." Megumi gave you a comforting smile and you don't know if it's because the annoyance was obvious on your face or if he's mistaking it for jealousy. You won't be jealous of that. There's no reason to. You broke up already and the only thing keeping you close to each other is the kids. There's nothing to feel jealous about,

"Oh, must be nice. Your dad is a busy man, he deserves the luxury of those dinners after working day and night." You nodded at Megumi, who just pursed his lip before nodding slowly. You don't know what he's thinking, but whatever it is, he's mistaken. He probably thought you were sulking because you're jealous, which is definitely not the case.

"My boyfriend does have those too with his co-workers sometimes. You'll do them too when you start working." You added as if to remind the teenager that you have a boyfriend and whether his dad is seeing someone is none of your concern. You're just thinking about him and his little sister. You can only hope that he bought it and doesn't say anything to his dad. 

You knocked on Toji's door and it opened to Megumi with a flower hair clip on his spiky locks. You giggled at his face as the lollipop rolled inside his cheek.

 "Did Aimi make you do that?" You laughed, hearing him let out a playful huff. You let yourself in the house, seeing Toji with your daughter sitting on his chest as he lies down on the couch. On television, Ponyo was playing and your daughter was so fascinated that she didn't even notice you came in.

 "Oh, you're early today." Toji greeted, lifting Aimi before sitting up. You plopped yourself on the chair across from Megumi and watched Aimi's eyes light up when she finally saw you.

 "Mama!" She jumped out of his father's arms to run to you and Toji could only admire the scene in front of him. Is this how it's going to be if you were to come home to him every day? He thought, a small smile making its way to his lips. But not for long as he remembered that you had a boyfriend to welcome at your house.

"Will you go with us tomorrow? To the ice cream shop?" He leaned his elbows on his knees, studying your face, which you had a hard time controlling when you remember what happened last Sunday. 

"Not really, why don't you ask Yuka to come?" Megumi's head turned sharply towards you. His eyebrows raised as he stopped nibbling on the lollipop. Did you sound snappy? Toji was also staring at you with his mouth slightly ajar. Yep, you definitely sounded snappy.

"Sorry, it's just, uh, My boyfriend and I are, erm, kinda having problems, you see...My temper's been bad. Sorry again..." You trailed. You didn't really mean to tell them about you and your boyfriend's issues, but you panicked. You don't know what else to say to him after you 've just snarled like that.

 "Oh, sorry about that. Uhh, I didn't know." Toji straightened up, licking his lips. What was that? He thought as he tried to find a reason why you brought up Yuka out of all the names. You couldn't be getting jealous. You literally have a boyfriend. Maybe you just remembered Yuka because you saw how she takes care of Aimi.

Toji's thoughts were cut off when you stood up, taking Aimi's bag. There was an exhausted look on your face as you turned Aimi to face him. He thought that whatever it is that you're going through with your boyfriend must be some serious problem if it's tiring you out like that. He'd be happy to give you a shoulder to lean on, but that wouldn't seem right.

"Say bye-bye to Daddy now." You pushed the kid's hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ears. Aimi waved to him, sticking out her lips as she asked for a kiss, which never fails to make Toji laugh. It's the most endearing gesture to him, and he can't help but wonder if you taught her that.

"You know, you could stay for a bit, right? I mean, you look really tired. We could all have dinner here or go out somewhere nice." Toji offered despite his hesitance, to reach out to you and help with your 'relationship problems' with your boyfriend. It's not like he's meddling; he simply wants to help you relax for a bit.

"It's okay really, I just uhm, we'll talk it through tomorrow and maybe I just need some rest tonight." You muttered. You realized that maybe he just wants to spend more time with his daughter and you thought that it wouldn't be bad if she slept over for the night. 

"She has clothes here, right?" You adjusted her on your hip, letting her play with your necklace as she mimics the humming tune from the movie they were watching. Aside from giving Toji and her daughter more time together, you figured that since you're leaving early tomorrow to meet with your boyfriend, it'd be easier for the kid to just stay the night instead of waking up early the next morning.

"Yeah, why? She can stay the night?" Toji sounded hopeful, which made you feel more comfortable with the request you're about to make. 

"Yes, of course. Plus, I'd also have to leave early tomorrow. I'm going to uh, my boyfriend's place. I think we need to clear something up. I thought maybe instead of waking her up early tomorrow, she can just sleep over tonight." You explained, setting the kid back down. Toji was more than happy for his daughter to stay the night. He wanted to ask if you'd be fine driving alone, but that would seem like he's trying to cross the line. He hated that he couldn't do much for you when you're in this state, but he could only offer so much with his place in your life.

"Yeah, yeah. That'd be great, actually, she has pillows here and stuff too." He chuckled, picking up his daughter to give her a long kiss on the cheek. It made you smile, knowing how much he had prepared for her. He's probably spoiling her with whatever she wants when you're not around, but that's just the pleasure of being a father and you wouldn't dare take that away from him.

"You be a good girl, okay? Don't cry." You poked her nose as you peppered her face with kisses making her hide it, burying it in the crook of his father's neck. "You too, be a good boy!" You teased Megumi as he hugged you.

"Travel safe tomorrow. Let's get ice cream when you come back." He smiled at you, glancing over at Toji as if reminding him that Sunday was ice cream day. 

"I'd be back before evening tomorrow. Probably late afternoon." You informed Toji as he walks you out the door. Up until now, you still don't know how to properly say goodbye to home whenever leaving his house. You obviously can't kiss him, and a hug might be too much, so you always just settle with an awkward nod and a 'Bye.'

Tonight was different, though. Before you could step away and do the usual farewell you always give him. Toji pulled you by the waist, taking you by surprise. He doesn't know why he did it, but it seemed like you needed some form of comfort. It was on impulse, but he hoped that you wouldn't misunderstand it as him taking advantage of the crack in your and your boyfriend's relationship.

It took you a whole second before responding with a pat on his back. Toji was about to pull away when your daughter wrapped an arm around your neck and his, locking the three of you in place.

She was giggling, oblivious to the situation of her parents and just enjoying both of their warmth at the same time. Your eyes were fixed on the closed door behind Toji as he chuckled at Aimi, who's still squealing with joy. She's clueless. She's just a toddler and you could only imagine how it would break her when she finally understands everything.

"Mama needs to rest, love. You'll hug her again tomorrow." Toji pulled her away from you along with himself. He was too amused by her daughter's actions to remember the bitter truth about the family that they were trying to give her. 

"Sorry about that. You just look really tired." Toji cleared his throat as he took a step away from you, as if suddenly aware of how close you two were to each other. He looked like he got caught stepping over the boundaries. Toji felt like a gun was pointed at his head, preparing himself to be reminded of his role in your life. It never happened. You just said 'thank you' before patting your daughter on the head and getting on your way.

Toji wondered if he'd ever get to hold you like that again.

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Just as planned, you left early in the morning. The air was cold and the little goosebumps that appeared on your skin were getting harder to soothe no matter how hard you tried rubbing on them. Your phone was flooded with pictures of Toji and Aimi from last night.

The little kid seems to be too comfortable sleeping on her father's chest to even worry about her bottle of milk. Megumi sent them to you in hopes that they could make your day and ease your stress. It definitely worked.

You tried to call your boyfriend while you were on the way to his place, but he didn't pick up the phone. You thought that he might still be asleep, so you just left a message saying that you were on your way to his place.

You hoped that you could finally clear up the concerns that he has, whatever they may be. Last night, you evaluated all the situations you had with Toji during the past weeks and you were sure that none of them could be the cause of why your boyfriend was being distant. You also stopped arguing about the co-parenting plan, so what could it be?

The streets are already bustling with people when you reach his place. Some of them nodded at you, seeing that you're back again in the neighborhood, and it made you remember the time that you were living around here. It wasn't a very great time considering the reason why you moved there, but it definitely was a peaceful time. Nobody knew you, nobody asked of what happened to you; nobody judged you.

You knocked on his door three times and you were welcomed by your boyfriend with a towel hanging around his neck. His hair was still wet and you thought that maybe he was just getting ready for his day. The time you spent with each other during the past few weeks was awfully short. If you put them all together, they probably won't even be equal for a day.

"Hey," He kissed your lips as he tugged you by the waist. "I saw your text, what's up?" He said it like he had no idea what was going on, but you know him better than that. You know that he can keep some things to himself just to protect your peace of mind. It has happened before, but for some reason, this one bothered you to an extent. You feel like you need to be the one to talk it out of him.

"I missed you," You wrapped your arms around his neck as you inhaled his scent. Your mind took you to last night when Toji pulled you in for a hug and you couldn't comprehend if it was guilt or butterflies that you were feeling in your stomach. The only reason you gave yourself for not pulling back is because your daughter pulled you back.

"Missed you too." He kissed your lips and pulled you onto the couch, his lips moving in sync with yours and caressing your waist before pulling away and staring at your face. This silence was unsettling. You don't know what he's thinking, but you could tell that he's got a gist of why you came here.

"You must've been really busy. Are you taking care of yourself?" You asked him softly, trying to start it as calmly as possible. You don't want this to end in a fight. Especially not when you won't be able to stay here for long. You just want to ensure that you're fine and that he's just really busy.

"Hmmm, I do." He answered, taking your hand in his and kissing it. His kiss lingered on your skin as if he was taking his time. "What about you? How's Aimi?" He asked, pulling you by the back of your neck to once again lock his lips with yours. You hummed in the kiss as you tried to tell him that you were both doing good.

"We're not having any problems, right?" You got straight to it as you pulled away. You want to know what is wrong so you can fix it immediately. He's an important person in your life and if anything, you want to solve things with him as long as you can.

"Do you…do you think of Toji when you're with me?" You thought that he'd be the one startled by your questions if you suddenly said them to him. Turns out, your initial guesses were correct. He's been hiding his worries from you again.

"Babe—" You started, but he cut you off by giving your hand a gentle squeeze and a sigh.

"The reason why I was so against you and him meeting again was because I know that you still have feelings for him." He explained, and you tried to deny yourself everything that you knew all too well. You tried to deny all your suspicions. You tried to deny all the signs that your heart's been telling you.

"It's been three years. You know it's not like that anymore." You don't understand why you keep refusing to accept everything when it's clear to you. All that time that you spent with your boyfriend, not once has Toji not crossed your mind. Even just for a split second. In all those moments you shared with your boyfriend, there was not a single one of them when you didn't think about how it would feel like if Toji was the one with you.

You feared that you made your boyfriend feel how Toji made you feel back then too. And he doesn't deserve it. He's not the perfect boyfriend, but he doesn't deserve that. You feared that you called Toji's name in your sleep, too. You feared that you moaned Toji's name instead of his when you made love. You feared that you were just using him in your desperate attempts to forget.

"Don't you remember calling me by his name when you're so lost in the feeling?" His laugh was sad, but there was a hint of acceptance in it.  He just confirmed your thoughts. There's nothing to deny anymore. You don't know what to say, but you know what to do. If you're going to put him through this, then you might as well just not be with him. You might as well just not get into any relationships because… why? So, you can put them through the same pain you went through?

"I know that you cared for me, Y/N. I don't have doubts about that. I know that you really saw me as a part of your life. You even remember all the things I like." He held your face in his hands, attempting to console you and stop the endless river of tears falling from your eyes.

"I know that you can love me if you really want to." He pecked your forehead, "But I don't think you're ready to love someone else, Y/N. And that's alright." He continued and you felt terrible for putting him through this. It's not just because of what he has done for you. But because of how good he is for you.

Yet, you cannot bring yourself to fully love him.

"I'm sorry…" You repeatedly chanted the same two words as if it were a spell that could magically take away his pain. But they didn't, and you know when he pulled you close to his chest, whispering.

"I want to say that I'll wait for you, Y/N. But there's already someone doing that."

You know who he's talking about. But is Toji still waiting for you when he finally found someone who could be by his side? When he finally found someone good enough to take away his thoughts of you?

You stayed like that for a while, reveling in the comfort of each other as you prepare yourself to part. His chest was warm against your cheek and the steady sound of his heartbeat served as your support as your mind raced with countless thoughts about the timeline of your relationship.

You were unconsciously searching for Toji in every piece of your boyfriend all this time.

"I didn't know that I was putting you through the same thing I suffered from. You don't deserve it." You stood in front of his house, ready to leave it for the last time. You didn't know that an unplanned visit could lead to this. You thought you'd just be talking your problems through. You were clueless about how deeply rooted it was.

"It's not the same. He's alive and he's waiting for you. I can never compare the pain you felt with mine. I will never be able to fathom  how painful it is to be compared to someone who isn't even within reach anymore." You felt bad that he's still the one comforting you after you broke his heart. As much as you hate to admit it, you know that he's right when he said that you cannot love someone else yet. His words gave you a better understanding of what you felt when you saw Toji with someone else.

You didn't lie when you said that your boyfriend made you feel that you were the only woman in his heart. You didn't lie when you said that he made you feel comfortable and valid. You didn't lie when you said that he made you feel happy. But the problem is you can never give him back those same things, even if you try. You want to, but you can't. Your heart wouldn't let you because it longs for someone else.

When you drove away, you had to stop the car a couple of times just to clear the tears from your eyes. You even stopped by a convenience store to get something to drink to clear your mind, telling yourself that you had to hold back just until you get home. It was a futile attempt to stop the growing crack in your heart.

So, it's been him all along.  You thought as you cried out to the steering wheel. How are you supposed to fix your situation with him now that he might be seeing someone else? Why are you always wrong-timing?

You're phone vibrated and fate must be truly playing with you because the caller is ‘none other than Toji. You stared at the screen and wondered if you'd answer him like this or just let it slide to voicemail. You picked the former when you remembered that your daughter is with him and it's not good if he's calling because of an emergency.

"Yeah?" You responded, wiping your nose and trying your best to sound normal. It won't work on Toji, though.

"What's wrong? Where are you?" The sound of his voice was all it took for you to break down on the phone. You've heard it countless times, but it sounded more familiar to you now. Like you've been playing deaf all this time, and now that you've finally accepted it, you're being pulled towards it; harder than gravity ever did.

"It's ok, I'm on my way home." Toji, on the other line, had his brows furrowed. The moment you answered the phone, he can already tell that you've been crying and there's no way that he's going to let you drive like that.

"Where are you, Y/N? I'm not letting you drive like that. Stop and stay where you are." You could then hear him talking to Megumi about looking after Aimi and a couple of rustles before you heard the door slam shut. You don't really want him coming here right now to see you in this state, but what can you do when your whole being is aching for his presence?

"Y/N," You heard him call you again and you told him where you are. Too much has happened in half a day and you don't even know if you'll be able to tell Toji about it.

Can you tell him that you and your boyfriend broke up because you're still thinking of him? Can you tell him that you and your boyfriend broke up because, after all this time, Toji was still the one in your mind and heart? How will you do that when you know that there's a possibility that he's seeing someone else now?

You don't want to ruin things for him.

You sobbed in your hands as the rain started to pour outside. The skies are agreeing with your heart's deepest emotions. It was dark and the storm outside was violent and rough. The visibility is almost zero. The beautiful morning light was long gone and covered by the darkest and thickest of clouds. Like how everything turned upside down for you once again. You spent your three years making yourself believe that you're moving on when all that you ever did was try everything to shun the lingering feelings in your chest.

They never went away. You were just ignoring them.

Taps on your window brought you out of your mind as you rushed to open it. Toji hurriedly got in, drenched by the rain and a concerned look was plastered on his features. His clothes are soaked and you wondered if he took a cab here.

"Where's your car?" You asked him as you watched droplets of water from his hair. He looked more distressed than how you expected him to look.

"What happened?" He ignored your questions as he watched you stand up a bit to reach out for your bag to find a towel or anything that he could wipe his face and hair with. He grabbed your wrists as you looked at him with quivering lips and tears that were continuously falling down from your eyes.

He's fucking beautiful. You thought as he stared deep into your eyes. Now that you're all bare without a shield in front of him, all the emotions and feelings that you were trying to ignore are rushing out, clawing at your heart as they miserably try to make way for their existence to be known and recognized.

"I took a cab here. Now, tell me. What happened?" Toji knows that it's not his business to mind anymore. But seeing you like this turned a switch inside him that made him feel like he needs to protect you even if you don't want it. Even if he's not in the place to do that anymore.

"Did he hurt you? What did he do?" His mind flew to your boyfriend, who you are with this morning and figured that whatever is happening got something to do with him. He swears that if he fucking laid a hand on you, he won't hesitate to turn back and drive to his house, even in that weather just to break his jaw.

"No, he didn't hurt me." You spoke in a quiet, high-pitched voice, trying to contain your cries as Toji's damp hands started to get warm on the skin of your wrist. You wanted to explain everything to him. You simply can't find a place to start.

"You don't have to tell me if you feel uncomfortable," His grip on your arm loosen as he starts to pull away. Hurt was evident in his eyes as he looked down, the space between you becoming visible again as he thought that you were distancing yourself from him.

You were quick to grab it back, holding his hand in yours. His eyebrows were pulled together as his worry for you doubled. He was glad that you're finding solace in your touch. And if that's all you need from him right now, he'd be more than glad to give it to you. He sighed, squeezing your hand every few seconds to help you calm down. The look on your face made his heart race as his mind goes haywire, thinking about what could've happened.

"We broke up." You spoke after a couple of minutes of silence. Can I ask why? Toji asked himself as he thought of how to respond to you. He doesn't know what an ex should do or ask in this situation. He looked at your face and found you already looking at him. There was a small light in your eyes, one that you used to have before everything changed; the little light it held before he fucked things up.

"Sorry…"Toji started, struggling to string the right words together. He's never been good at this in the first place. He's not good with words, but he can only show you. But right now he can't pull you to him because he's drenched and you'll only end up getting cold too.

"Look, I know it hurts, Y/N. But it'll be fine. You'll get over him." He patted you on the back lightly. He knows that he wasn't saying the right things when your sobs got harder. He was reminded of the day you left his house. Three years ago and he wondered if this was how you looked back then. You probably had to stop in the middle of the road, too, because of the tears that were blurring your vision. 

It's a heartbreaking sight. 

"Did you feel like this when I left you?" You asked him and he was surprised. He doesn't know where the question came from. You asked it like you broke up with your boyfriend for similar reasons. 

"What?" Toji thought of all the possible ways. Was your boyfriend in love with someone else? Did he get back together with an ex? He omitted the possibility of you being the inflictor of the pain because he doesn't think you can do that. You were happy with your boyfriend, right?

"He said I wasn't ready to love someone else yet…" You kept your eyes down, staring at your trembling hands. Toji thought he was hearing things for a second.

"What?" He repeated, focusing on the movements and sounds that escape your mouth. He didn't know that his imagination could run this wild when he was desperately hoping for something to happen.

"He said I called out your name…" You trailed, gathering the courage to look up at his shining eyes. A mix of hope and confusion was glimmering in them. You don't know if it's because he's not believing you or if it's because he cannot reciprocate your feelings anymore, now that he already has someone else.

You looked back down, feeling your chest tighten at the thought of it being a little too late. It suddenly became your worst fear. Nothing will change even if you realize the intensity of your feelings for Toji. You'd be the one watching from the sidelines now that he's finally found a woman for him.

You weren't crying for your now-ex-boyfriend. You were crying for Toji.

Larger droplets of tears escaped your eyes as you thought of how cruel fate was to you. You were about to open your mouth and say sorry to Toji when his cold, large hands cupped your face and the next thing you knew was how your lips hungrily moved against his. It was heated right from the start. All the frustrations, heartbreak, yearning, and desperation poured out in the form of fervent kisses.

"What about Yuka?" That was the first sentence you spoke when you pulled away. Toji's eyes looked at you quizzically when he heard the question escape your lips.

"What about her?" He panted, genuinely clueless as to what your question meant. Did you think Yuka was his girlfriend or something closer than a friend? You averted your gaze from him as you now sat on his lap, not minding his cold and wet clothes.

"She's my boss's secretary, dating the chairman's son. They announced their engagement, that's why they invited us to dinner last Sunday." Your face turned red at the realization that he noticed your sulky mood last Sunday. Then, were you just imagining the way he looked at her?

"I thought she…I just thought you looked at her some type of way…" Toji chuckled, kissing your hands. Your skin tingled at where he kissed it. It was one of the things you missed a lot about him.

"Some type of way? So, you were observing me?" He teased, kissing your neck and collar bones before pausing. You couldn't be more embarrassed, thinking about how your jealousy caused you to over-analyze everything.

"You were jealous," Toji whispered, nibbling at your bottom lip as his hands traveled around your body. You felt him slip one inside your shirt, caressing your waist as his lips left open-mouthed kisses on your jaw.

You relished the feeling of his mouth on your skin. It all felt new and familiar at the same time. He felt new and familiar at the same time.

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When you got to Toji's house, Megumi was carrying a sobbing Aimi. The little girl was hugging her brother as her lips quivered, eyes glistening with tears. 

"Oh no, why is my Aimi crying?" Toji cooed as he rushed past them to change his wet clothes.

"She was looking for the both of you." Megumi chuckled, hugging Aimi as she calmed down at the sight of you and Toji. "She can probably feel that something was wrong, that's why she was restless too." He bounced her up and down until she stopped sobbing altogether.

"I can't carry you yet, love, I got soaked by the rain too." You talked to the kid apologetically as she leaned her head on Megumi's shoulder as she sucked on her finger. "Let me change first, okay?" You tried to comfort her. The toddler nodded, giving you a small smile.

Somehow, the house looked brighter than before. The colors looked more vibrant and the atmosphere felt calmer than before. It didn't feel like the house, you and Toji shared three years ago. It's like a layer of wall and dust has crumbled down, and now the windows are as clear as the water, with the light bathing the carpeted floors.

For the first time, in all the years that you lived here, the sun was shining down on you; covering you in its warmth and casting you its light. You're not a blurred figure in the background anymore, and Toji's eyes were the proof, as he stared at you from the staircase.

He's looking at you and he's seeing you; you and not anyone else.

He was shirtless as he walked down the stairs with a towel in hand. Megumi gave him a puzzled look as he wrapped it around your shoulders. Toji gave him a wink before pulling you upstairs, leaving his son with an open mouth.

"What is going on?!" He called out from the bottom of the stairs, making Toji laugh.

"She's back home, 'Gumi!" Toji answered back before pulling you to his room. He kissed your lips as he locked the door. Sitting you on the bed before reaching over to the bedside drawer. It was one of the things in this house that gave you painful memories and, Toji was determined to change that.

He covered your eyes as he went back to kissing you, not getting enough of its softness and taste as his tongue licked over your bottom lip. You don't know what it is that he took out of the drawer, but when you felt him slip it on your fingers, you almost broke down.

"I'm sorry I took so long, love. I'm sorry for making you wait." He whispered against your lips. Happy tears escaped your eyes as you let him prove himself to you.

This time, he'll see you as you are. 

He'll take you as you are. 

With open arms.

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[justletmereadmycomics]

CW for descriptive speaking about body horror, blood, and overall lack of grammar tl;dr the average painful-turning-into-a-monster-transformation-sequence media isn't whumpy enough and people need to dive more into shit like turning into merfolk and mutating into weird hybrids that are in the uncanny valley of "feels like my body but not" also please note that this is all just my opinion and experience in media consumption and you are free enjoy what you like; im just bored and felt like rambling with 0 grammar or punctuation today.

hey guys I like seeing people go through intense painful physical transformations with an affect on their mental state that either makes them scared of them selves or forces them to do horrible things that also scare them and can I just say that werewolves are so underwhelming like yeah sure you get taller and turn into a buff ass furry boo hoo go cry about it like most of the time you're not even aware and it only lasts for a fucking night

give me shit like turning into a siren/merperson where they have to feel themself molting and their skin squeezing on their body as scales start to grow and they start mindlessly scratching every where from the pain when uh oh your legs are failing but you can't think about that now until whoopsie daisy your lower limbs are melting together and your pants are magically whooshed away once you're past the nakey parts also did I mention the wonderful possibility of growing fins everywhere and experiencing those tear through your muscles and skin whilst they grow on your back and arms and already painful and foreign feeling tail and also your vocal cords changing to be able to produce siren song shit in a way that makes your throat feel like its being mauled from the inside out oh yeah and also having your eyes fall out and regrown wouldn't that be a fun idea anyways vampires are about the same except a little better than werewolves bc they at least have the possibility of dealing with "the hunger" tm and way more weaknesses that can make them miserable like not being able to be in the sun or eat food anymore bc your body can't handle it one of the better examples ive seen is the one in ROTTMNT: The Movie, where (be warned of spoilers) characters are "possessed", so to speak, and this shit goes on

its a very good movie, highly recommend it (the sereis has two seasons, and I haven't found the movie off of Netflix) also blood and struggling to adjust to a now permanent mental impairment/disadvantage/damage in a sense of "you're not human anymore and so you now have to deal with [blank] thought processes" (eg. someone gaining dragon shit would grow an affinity to hoarding things, not noticing such until their home is incredibly cluttered with piles of shiny items and hating themself for doing something so "inhuman")

things that ive seen that fall in the good transformation category are: demons* birds work most of the time, but you have to give them a beak and shit. also the wings can't just grow out of them painlessly.** most fantasy based anthros, really.*** most mutations seen in TMNT shows (that shits known to be painful bc it alters your DNA mostly through science rather than the normal mystics) bugs *only horns and a tail? weak. give 'em goofy legs and a snout or some shit, spin in a few animal traits just for fun. mental side effects that are nice for these guys tend to be a sudden lust for darkness (or just a sudden intense lust) **I recommend something like their arms falling off, OR something similar to the process in Haibane Renmei (tw for blood and minor body horror). An alternate option that I haven't seen would be to have the arms morph into wings themselves, but none of that grow feathers and get little longer bullshit. Character should feel their bones changing, the flesh forming to create a new limb and feathers piercing their skin like needles. Yes feathers are regularly soft, but imagine having a hundreds of tiny pinprick like things poking out of you and getting longer.

***this does not include fairies and unicorns. The only acceptation for these is character having weird magic fluxes and this becoming an effect of such. for example, if character is becoming a fairy, they will feel themself being compressed as wings either grow from their back or are summoned in a blast of magic that basically cuts them open where the wings "attach" so to speak.

[woniebunny]

TWILIGHT WOLFPACK|| HOW YOU MET/HOW THEY IMPRINTED PT 1

A/N: Hello! Ive decided to start writing some wolf pack preferences/imagines and hopefully some fics as I don't really see many new ones and Im tired of reading the same stories over and over again hehe. Please feel free to comment any advice or ideas you may have as I would greatly appreciate the feedback! I really hope you guys enjoy!

************************************************************************************************************************************************

SAM ULEY

You met Sam when he accidentally phased in front of you while you were heading to the cliff you always went to when you were deep in thought. You grew up on the Reservation and had heard about him and seen him a handful of times at school but never actually met or spoke to him. When you saw him you froze and didn't know what to do and you could tell Sam was freaking out about being caught. Slowly you started walking towards him taking small steps as not to spook him until he looked into your eyes and you felt like everything stopped and suddenly you weren't so worried anymore and gently ran your fingers through his fur. He slowly backed away and went behind a tree to phase back and once he came out he explained everything to you. It took you some time to get used to it but you grew to love and support each other and would do anything for each other. Once the other members started phasing you took on the role of being the pack mom and a safe place for all of the boys and they loved you

JARED CAMERON

You were best friends with Kim and did everything together, you didn't have the best relationship with your family but she was like your sister and the most important person in your life..she was all you needed. You met Jared in class and worked with him a few times on group projects always with other classmates. You thought he was nice and funny but never gave him much thought as you knew how much Kim liked him. Once he phased and started attending school again you were paired together for a project again. You turned to ask him what topic you guys should do and when he looked into your eyes he froze and started acting weird but you brushed it off to him being out for so long. Over the next few weeks you noticed how close you guys were getting and his constant effort to be your friend and the sinking feeling of guilt you had because of Kims feelings and not wanting to hurt her. As an attempt to protect your friendship you slowly distanced yourself from him, despite you not wanting to admit that it did hurt a bit as you've grown to care for the class clown.

PAUL LAHOTE

You grew up next door to Paul since he moved from Tacoma, Washington at the age of 7 while you were 6. You quickly became best friends and protective of the other especially with your home lives. Having only one parent did make your childhood a bit difficult but at least you guys had each other. Once Paul started experiencing the symptoms to phase you noticed the increased anger in him and it worried you. You guys told each other everything and the fact you felt like you couldn't help hurt you so much. The day he phased you happened to have went over to his house to check on him. Seeing him answer the door dripping in sweat and shaky you immediately grabbed him and took him to his room to lay down. In the middle of you taking care of him Sam showed up to help him with the shift and all you could do was watch your other half screaming in agony and pain as he phased. Once he phased back you ran to him and held him as you comforted him and as soon as you made him look at you to whisper reassurances you knew you would never lose him. He was your forever.

EMBRY CALL

You and Embry have known each other your entire lives. Embry’s mum and your mum were pregnant at the same time and met during one of their ultrasound appointments and became best friends. Being single mums, it made it easy for them to get along and understand each other. For as long as you could remember Embry was your other half and always protected you and cared about you. Starting highschool together just enhanced your bond. Hence after 2 days of not hearing from Embry brought you to approaching his friends Quil Ateara and Jacob Black. You didn’t really know the boys too well but knew he hung out with them a lot. Once they told you he was out sick and was acting weird, you knew you had to check on him. When you showed up at his house sadly you were turned away by his mum, who said he was too sick to be around at the moment and she would let you know when you could see him. After 2 weeks of what felt like torturing and worrying about him you decide to check on him again. When you showed up you saw him and Paul Lahote walking out of the forest line towards his house and ran to meet him. “Embry are you okay? What happened? Where the hell have you been and why have you not said anything? I thought we tell each other everything? Do you know how worried I’ve been about you the past few weeks?”. You could tell he was gonna try and brush you off based on his expression but as soon as he looked in your eyes you saw his expression change to awe. Embry felt so relieved that he imprinted on you but guilty for making you worry about him. Luckily he can tell you everything now and wouldn’t have to stay away from you ever again.

[starksvinyls]

Title: Helpless Rating: Teen+ Pairing: Peter Parker & Tony Stark Tags/Warnings: Whump, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Kidnapping, Hopeful Ending (guys i can not stress this enough that it is 1 line at the end) (if you're looking for deep h/c with a lot of 'c' it's not here), Pre-Relationship (if you squint) (seriously you can read it as platonic or pre-relationship <3), Canon Divergence from Post-Endgame Summary: Tony is kidnapped, drugged, and feeling very helpless. He's sure no one will notice he's gone for days. He forgot about one person, though. Notes: for @febuwhump day 1: helpless

AO3 Link

The first thing Tony is aware of is the pain in his head. The next is biting metal around his wrists. He blinks slowly, eyes adjusting to the scant light in the room. All the walls are concrete, as is the floor, and when Tony looks, he sees a couple small windows high up. Basement. His vision is still a little blurry, so he tries to blink his surroundings back into focus, but it’s futile. Tony thumps his head back onto the table he’s strapped to, and stares up at the stained ceiling. 

A door scrapes open. Tony doesn’t know how long he’s been laying here; he knows he’s been losing time. Suddenly, a man is in Tony’s line of sight. Through his still-blurry vision, he can make out a pudgy balding head with small wire framed glasses perched on it’s pig like nose. 

“Ah, Mister Stark,” The man has an Eastern European accent, but Tony can’t pick out where exactly from. “Good to see you awake.” 

“Wish I could say the same,” Tony slurs.  

The man purses his lips. “If you can talk, the dosage must be wearing off.” 

Tony’s breath hitches. Drugged, of course. His vision, the time loss, not being able to think clearly. Fuck. 

The man steps over to a table, Tony isn’t able to watch what he is doing, it hurts his neck to keep his head up for too long. Another thing he curses. Very little sound came from the other side of the room, but Tony knows that isn’t an indication of what might be happening. 

When the man turns back around and comes over, Tony glances down and tries to jerk away when his brain registers the IV kit. A constant stream of whatever this psycho had shot him up with could only mean more of this disorientation. 

His captor’s eyebrows come together, an angry look clouding his features. The metal around Tony’s wrists tightens, and he winces. Then, the man gets to work setting up the IV, hanging an unmarked bag full of a pale yellow liquid on an IV pole he had pulled closer. 

It only takes a moment before dark spots start to appear in Tony’s vision, his muscles all relax - like a full body exhale - and then his mind fizzles out. 

The next time Tony is even marginally aware, there’s a bright light hanging over him, blinding his already spotty vision. He blinks until he can make out shapes enough to make out the man from before, standing over him. He gets a glimpse of a lab coat before seeing someone else step towards the table. The new figure hands the pig nosed man something, but Tony is drifting again before he can figure out what it is.

——

What feels like only minutes, but must be hours, later, Tony blinks back awake. It’s dark

now, moonlight barely reflecting off the small windows near the top of the walls. His mind is a little clearer, thank god, and his vision isn’t blurry anymore. There’s no way he can make a break for it though, his hands, and his ankles Tony suddenly realizes, are still held tight by metal. 

Trying to get his genius mind back online enough to try and at least parse together who the hell has him, if he can figure that out, he can probably figure out the where. With that, it shouldn’t be difficult to think of how to get back to New York, Tony just needs to known how many miles he’s dealing with. But, he keeps losing his train of thought. Ideas keep fizzling out, lost along synapses, and the harder he tries, the faster he loses them. 

Whatever that psycho gave Tony sure as hell took him out. Not having full use of his limbs, being tied down, held captive, wasn’t quite enough to keep Tony down as long as he had his mind. But take that away from him, he was like a sitting duck. 

He tries to think about who might know he’s missing, and it just makes him more depressed about this whole situation. The Avengers were no more, Rhodey is out of the country doing bureaucratic BS, Happy is on his honeymoon with May, and Pepper is in Tokyo on business. 

None of them will notice that Tony isn’t there. 

Tony clenches his jaw and tries again to think of a plan. 

——

The sun is starting to come up, the warm light overtaking the cold of the night through the tiny windows of the basement. Refusing to sleep, scared of what might happen, Tony is still awake. While laying there, Tony had done his best to take stock of his body. His muscles were still jelly-like, but he could feel several long cuts along his chest and torso, clearly stitched back up. He panics, his breathing becoming quick and shallow. What was this motherfucker doing to him? Why was he doing this? 

After several rounds of the breathing exercises his therapist had introduced him to, Tony was able to calm down enough to not hurt himself. But, he is still no clearer than he had been. He’s truly starting to worry. Typical drugs should have worn off by now, without the IV still in, which he woke up without hours ago. Whatever this mad scientist gave him is something Tony isn’t familiar with. 

Tony is starting to think that maybe he’ll be stuck down here for days, maybe weeks (if the mad scientist doesn’t kill him first) before anyone finds him. Three months in that cave, he had survived. But Tony doesn’t think he’ll survive this. He’s truly helpless here. 

An hour ticks by, Tony staring at the ceiling and counting the minutes. There’s a thump above him, like someone upstairs fell to the floor. It gains Tony’s attention and he strains his ears to hear anything else. Another thud. 

Suddenly there’s yelling. A gun goes off, Making Tony startle. Maybe someone did notice he was missing? Some did come for him! Tony can’t help it, a relieved sob breaks free from his chest. More yelling, more thumps, and then the faintest familiar sound. How could Tony have forgotten?  

Thwip thwip.

[m-to-the-6th-power]

Happy WIP Wednesday here's chapter 2. Chapter 1 is

"You're my father?" Gideon asked slowly, as if turning the word over and over in her mouth, testing and finding it smooth and warm, like good bari. When his last sentence sunk in, her brain flashed to Drearburh, a sharp chin and pointy elbows, nails that had tasted her flesh and found it good. "I have a commission, I am not returning to the Ninth."

The man gave what was second cousin to a grin at her vehemence, causing her back to raise further before he opened his mouth. "Not the Ninth. Home, with me. With us, my family."

Gideon felt her head spinning, faster and faster. She looked up from her cot, the only bed she'd known outside of her cell at the ninth, at the man who said he was her father and said the first thing that came to mind, "My release from the Ninth was the commission. My pay was meant to be garnished to pay my debt off until I could start getting rewards and then that'd start paying it. I can't leave that, I won't let them have me back."

The lyctor shook his head, "They have been dealt with. That's part of what took me so long to collect you," He looked down at the floor, pausing for a long moment. "I talked to my boss. He's paid off your debt, and given that you're my kid, he wants  you to come to the first house. He also feels like he's missed 19 years of birthday gifts from Uncle John. He said that instead of giving you toys you'd hate or have outgrown that he'd just give you the cash he would've spent on every birthday instead."

He then said a number with a truly astonishing number of digits, not even considering the commas involved. Gideon felt her mouth drop. "Not like I'm not grateful, because believe me, I am. I most definitely am. But I made it here because of my training and willingness to work hard. I don't need a handout from some guy I've never met."

Gideon Pyrrha nodded, pacing back and forth, his center of gravity never once deviating as he said, "I understand that, I would expect nothing less from my daughter. So in the interest of getting to know my daughter, I'll offer you a job. In my advanced age, I find myself in need of an assistant. It won't be all filing and looking after me, I can make you one of the deadliest humans alive, not bound by the limitations or pain of lyctoral magic."

Gideon Nav snorted at the attempt at humor, the same warmth filling her as when she found out Aiglaminaie had staked her reputation on Gideon when she first heard the word daughter come from his lips. She thought of training under this man who moved with a grace she supremely envied, and she felt the faint stirrings of want bubble up inside her chest. "I'll do it," she said after a moment of thought."But I have a favor I want in return."

"Tell me what your heart desires, and I'll see what I can do."

Gideon approached, back straight and voice dropped low enough so that the sound wouldn't carry through the door. "I have someone here. I promised him that I'd look out for him too," Gideon said, "I want him as my bodyguard. I'm sure there'll be people who will try to hurt me once they learn I'm your daughter. You can't always be around, so someone watching my back would be appreciated."

The Saint of Duty looks thoughtful. "That job is normally done by your necromancer. You do have a necromancer don't you?" 

Gideon felt those fingers on her back, working over every knob of her spine slowly and deliberately as a pointed chin and elbows like knives flashed through her mind as she jerked her head back and forth. She couldn't speak through the knot of emotion, hatred certainly, that suddenly lodged in her throat. 

"We'll need to see about getting you assigned one. We'll be training hard, and I don't have the skill with healing necromancy that my colleagues have," The Saint admitted. "'Plus, the more you work with a single necromancer, the more in tune with your body they get. It's a good benefit to have."

Gideon remembered briefly, 'The Fourth is all about fidelity.' "I have a bridge that I'd really like to try to mend. She's a necromancer in the cohort. I don't know if she'd want to come with me, but I would like to try."

The Saint waved a hand carelessly, like it barely mattered one way or another to him, "You have 3 days. When John found out I was coming to the cohort, he asked me to look over everything here. After that, I'm going to cash in some vacation days, and we are going to travel a bit before going home."

Gideon nodded, her head jerking like a skeleton made by the same adept that had fixed up Aiglaminaies leg. That word again, home, filled her with visions of Drearburh dirt even with his assurances. "That... that sounds good," Gideon said, her stomach giving a low rumble. "I'll let you get to your task. I'm going to go and get food and talk to some people."

"If you need to find me, ask for the command room. Anyone on this post will be able to give you directions," The man said before glancing around the room, "I'll have your stuff moved to the guest quarters. Let me know how everything goes, if I need to update the travel plans it's better to know early."

Gideon nodded as she, unconsciously, took up a defensive sword stance and held out a hand, "It's good to finally meet you," Gideon finally said, leaving so much unsaid in her mind. 'I always wanted someone to find me. I wondered who would've ever wanted me. I can't believe it's you. I'm so glad it's you,' getting stuck in her throat, all crowded together like each had an arm or leg out of the door but none of them let the others through. 

The Saint took her hand with a grimace so full of sadness it almost hurt Gideon herself, "I wish I'd known you sooner," The Saint began before Gideon's stomach interrupted again, a truer grin spreading, "Go, talk to your friends. You can give me updates over dinner tonight."

Gideon gave another jerky nod before walking around the lyctor and out the door. On the other side she found Anastas leaning against the far wall. "Hey, I'm about to get some food. Any chance we could talk at some point today?" Gideon asked. 

Anastas grinned at her, "I'm off duty now little cousin. I'm gonna go grab a nap, but afterwards, I need to know everything."

Gideon gave him a grin in return, approaching and clapping both hands on his shoulders. "I'll find you. I have a favor to ask you, but I want you to be in a good mood."

Anastas turned, throwing an arm over Gideon's shoulder and leading her down the hall. "Heard from on high that you were gonna be getting out today after your visitor. Figured I'd take the opportunity to show my baby cousin around," Anastas said, ruffling Gideon's hair. 

Anastas kept talking as they walked, using his free hand to gesture around at places that he thought Gideon would need to know. After pointing out the library, the PX, sparring and exercise rooms, one of which had a pool, Anastas gestured broadly to a set of double doors. "This is where the magic happens. The cafeteria," Anastas said, ruffling Gideon's hair again, "Have a good lunch kid. I'm on the ninth floor, 969. (Nice!) Just find me once you're ready and we'll sit down and have a chat."

Gideon gave him a grin and a nod before turning to the doors, striding in bold as daybreak. A face turned towards the doors once they opened, tan skin and black eyes boring into hers. As Gideon met those eyes, her feet tangled together, tripping her up and splaying her forward. After a long moment of mentally kicking her own ass, Gideon used her arms to push herself up, "Eleanor? Hi, can I um, can I buy you lunch?" Gideon asked, the word fidelity rattling around in her brain. 

Eleanor sniffed, a sound that reminded Gideon forcibly of Harrowhark, before turning to meet her eyes. "If I say yes, will you explain where you've been hiding for the past two and a half weeks Gideon?" She asked archly, voice dripping with scorn. 

Gideon couldn't stop her fist from pumping at the reply, seeing Eleanor's eyes roll as her lips curled up minutely at the edges. "Yes, of course I will," Gideon said, approaching Eleanor and offering her elbow. When Eleanor wrapped one small hand around her elbow to help herself to her feet Gideon was unable to stop the thrill running through her. Once they started walking and Eleanor wrapped both hands around, Gideon thought she could die happily. 

That is until, after getting their food, Eleanor's hands tightened around Gideon's elbow like a necromantic vice grip. As they approached their table, Eleanor spoke with a low voice, "I told you when we were waiting that the fourth is all about fidelity Gideon Nav. After taking your picture, you disappear for two weeks, no notes, no messages, nothing. Then, a man who I can only assume is some family of yours, father perhaps, approaches me while I'm leaving breakfast and tells me that you're going to be in here for lunch. I want an explanation."

Gideon set the tray down, mourning the loss of touch as she said, "My dad was still in the cell when I left."

"The cell?!!?"

"Yeah, you know how I said they'd have to lock me up to keep me away? Well, they did. Apparently it was under suspicion of being Commander Wake Me Up Inside or something, like that classic song," Gideon said, running a hand through her hair. 

Eleanor covered her face at that, the skin around her ears turning a very fetching color with the blush Gideon could just barely make out. "I thought you'd ditched me after the pictures. That when you'd gone for the physical that maybe you'd met a nice other soldier and um, hit it off, you know cav for cav and all that." 

Gideon felt her brain screech to a complete and utter standstill at that, imagining the only cavalier she had ever known trying to romance her. Ew, gross, disgusting, the worst. Gideon couldn't help the noise she made at the thought, and got to see a smile bloom on Eleanor's face. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. My sister and her necromancer are really close, but after they got measles they missed the chance to join up this year, and right before I left she started dating another cavalier on the fourth. So it was on my mind I guess."

Gideon waved a hand, finally banishing the thought of Ortus Nigenad reciting poetry to her to the same box holding her imagining of Crux's butt and shoving it next to the box labeled 'Thoughts of Harrowhark Nonagesimus' the other box she would definitely never open again. "No, it's okay. Just the only Cavalier I've ever met was a dough-faced mommas boy with a persistent case of hyperthyroidism, so imagining him was... disturbing."

Eleanor gave a laugh that buoyed Gideon, like putting a padlock on those boxes, and took a bite of food. "Again, sorry about that. You were saying before my interruption?"

"So they locked me up. I managed to make friends with one of my guards, Anastas, and it helped me get through it. But earlier today my dad apparently showed up. He's an undead king's jester or something. Said he's gonna take me home with him and give me a job as his secretary," Gideon said, pausing to look over at her audience. " He said I would need a necromancer to look out for me, and I don't want some random stuffy cohort necro assigned to me. I was hoping you'd come with me? I'm sure you'll get paid too," Gideon added as Eleanor took too long to answer. 

Eleanor blinked once, twice, three times before opening her mouth. "Did he say he was a Fist and Gesture to the King Undying?" She finally asked, voice faint. 

Gideon snapped, pointing at Eleanor, "That's the bitch. Why? Is that important or something?"

Eleanor started at Gideon, mouth opening and closing wordlessly before she seemed to marshal her thoughts. "I thought the ninth was supposed to be hyper religious. Did you sleep through your church services?"

"Yes."

"Lyctors are immortal Gideon. They can't be killed. They don't age, they've been alive for a myriad. One being your father is not only astounding, but it gives you immense, and I mean truly immense political power," Eleanor said, voice growing faster as she talked. She slipped one hand over to Gideon, brushing her fingers over Gideon's knuckles as she continued, "I'll come with you. Not because your dad's a lyctor, but because you got thrown in jail after only getting your picture taken. I came to the cohort because I wanted adventure, and you seem like one hell of an adventure Gideon Nav." 

Gideon gave Eleanor a lopsided grin, turning her hand palm up and catching Eleanor's fingers gently with her own, "Does this mean I'm forgiven for missing our date?"

"You will be forgiven on two conditions," Eleanor began, holding up her free hand and ticking points off her fingers. "First, you consider this our actual first date," Gideon nodded emphatically. "Second, you walk me back to my room, a chaste kiss on the cheek is optional, but highly encouraged."

Gideon felt heat working up from her neck to the tips of her ears. "Yeah, of course, I mean yes, I mean that sounds like a great idea!" Gideon babbled, only pausing when Eleanor squeezed her hand. 

"Let's go then," Eleanor said, tilting her head. Bringing a hand up to hide a smile when Gideon stood entirely too fast, scraping the floor with her chair and causing every eye in the room to turn and look at them. 

Gideon bussed their tray, refusing to look away from any of the eyes following her. When she got back to Eleanor she offered her elbow again, and felt a surge of pleasure as she felt those thin fingers wrap around her arm again. Her second hand came to rest around Gideon's bicep, and she couldn't help but flex the tiniest bit. Eleanor's 'Ohh wow', sotto voce, gave Gideon the tiniest hint of a swagger.

When they approached Eleanor's room, 420, Gideon couldn't help but laugh. She had read the classics, she couldn't imagine the prim, proper, and put together necromancer next to her sitting in a smoky room with a shag rug staring at her own hands. 

Eleanor very gently pulled Gideon to a stop, letting her hands roam down Gideon's forearm. Eleanor's hands squeezing over Gideon's biceps before coming to rest in her hands. "Thank you for walking me home," Eleanor said, fingers squeezing Gideon's palm gently before letting go and taking a step back. 

Gideon felt her hand tingling as Eleanor stepped away, feeling her words stuck in her throat. She managed to raise her hand, fingers gently brushing against Eleanor's cheek, curling under the back edge of her jaw before leaning forward and barely brushing her lips against Eleanor's cheek. "No problem," Gideon whispered, afraid to break the moment, "Happy to be of service."

Eleanor turned her face into Gideon's palm, lips pressing firmly into the dip before turning back to Gideon with a grin. "A fitting thanks for your service," Eleanor said before turning and bolting into her room, leaving Gideon gobsmacked. 

Gideon stood in the hall for what could've been five minutes, five hours, or half a myriad, staring at her hand, expecting a smudge of... grease paint something for some reason and feeling disappointed. Once she felt time properly reassert itself, Gideon wandered aimlessly, finding her way back to the PX.

Once she was in, she found an empty store with an entire section of titerature, a truly astonishing number of magazines. 'First House', 'Cavs Cavs Cavs', 'Cavs Gone Wild', and 'The Kindly Price of Small Deaths'. She wanted so badly to show them to Harrow, her prudish brain would probably explode seeing the "sick pornographies" in front of her. 

Gideon browsed for a bit, wondering if they were just out of stock of 'Fidelity of the Fourth' or 'Naughty Nuns of the Ninth'. Once she stuck her courage to its sticking place, she asked a clerk if they had any old copies. The clerk, a very pretty girl, gave her an indulgent grin, seemingly biting back a smile. "Oh, those don't exist. They're a running joke. Like 'Frontline Titties of the Fifth', the older soldiers use it to rib the new recruits."

Gideon couldn't help it, she sank down to her knees in front of the counter, hands in her hair and elbows on the counter. "He lied to me?" Gideon wailed playfully, looking up at the girl beseechingly, seeing the smile finally break on her face. When she noticed the girl bite her lip to hold in a laugh, Gideon sprang back to her feet with a grin. "Well, thanks for your help. I really appreciate it!"

Gideon heard the girl laugh behind her, feeling her steps barely touch the floor. Finally, she had people who appreciated her particular brand of humor. She made her way to the ninth floor habitat level, she saw more than a few knuckle bone rosaries hanging on doors like talismans. It was nostalgic in a strange way. When she found Anastas' door, she began hammering it. 

Gideon stopped after an, "I'm coming," call came through the door. "You're gonna knock hard enough to roll away the boulder and wake up whatever's in that tomb," Anastas said as he pulled the door open, scratching at his stomach over a cohort undershirt and ice gray sweats. 

Seeing him like that, completely at his ease, Gideon thought he looked like a dad straight out of one of her more wholesome comics. She shoved that thought to the side and ruthlessly gave it a wedgie for good measure. "You lied to me," She said without preamble, crossing her arms. "And worse than that, you set me up on a date. And worse even than that, you implied that I was into (gag, ick) Harrowhark Nonagesimus."

Anastas rocked back on his heels, taking the accusations like the obvious punch in the gut they were intended to be. "Okay, starting from the end and working back," Anastas said, gesturing Gideon into his room. "I did not imply shit. You, little cousin, are the one who talks in her sleep moaning about the girl, saying 'I never wanted to leave you,' 'I miss you,' 'I can't wait to see you again,' every night like it's a prayer."

Gideon held up a finger, cutting him off. "About Eleanor. I did not want to get thrown in jail and miss my first ever date. I kept dreaming about getting to see her again," Gideon said, stridently ignoring how many of her dreams included the sneered word 'Griddle'.

Anastas spread his hands, as if to say, 'You're welcome'. "Which is why you're so angry that I got Eleanor to meet you. I understand completely," Anastas said, understanding nothing. "What's this about me lying to you?"

"You lied to me about something important. Something you should never lie to someone else about," Gideon said, walking around gesticulating wildly before leveling an accusatory finger at Anastas. "I went into the PX trying to find those magazines you mentioned. I expected to find some stupendous works of a titty nature. I found nothing but deceit!" Gideon couldn't help the grin she felt forming on her lips but she couldn't resist putting on a show when possible. "I asked the clerk Anastas, she was soooooo cute. I asked her for skin mags, and she laughed at me Anastas."

Anastas couldn't stop the grin forming on his face, trying admirably to look appropriately grave and serious. "Did the date go that badly?" Anastas asked, finally smothering his smile. 

"The date went fine," Gideon said, "But I doubt there'll be a second. There's all the cohort rules about necromancer and cavalier relationships. I figure I'd pick up some magazines to keep me company on those cold nights."

"No one cares about those as long as you can be discreet, and no one ends up in a family way, it's completely fine," Anastas said, waving a hand. "Especially around here it's mostly fresh recruits hooking up with people outside their house, and the cohort really cares about cross cultural sharing."

"Okay, so keep it on the downlow and wrap it up first, understood," Gideon said, watching Anastas flush before chuckling. "Where did you come up with the fake titles? I gotta know before the serious talk."

"Oh well, when I first started was right around the time they first put out the fake advert for 'Frontline Titties of the Fifth'," Anastas said, lounging against the wall. "Me and some of the other recruits at the time were laughing at it and came up with other joke titles to mess with newbies, each from our own house. The only other recruit I can remember the name of is Sarpedon. He came up with 'Seasoned Military Discipline of the Second.'"

"So you came up with 'Naughty Nuns of the Ninth'?" Gideon asked, aghast. Every thought of Anastas recalibrating in her mind in moments. 

"Have you ever seen pictures of the Reverend Mother from 20 years ago?" Anastas asked Gideon, looking off into the distance. "Homina homina homina."

Gideon gestured into the room, taking a seat after Anastas sat down, lightly slapping her face. "Okay, great, good to know, really. But time for a serious conversation, yeah?"

At Anastas' confused look and gesture, Gideon continued. "So, the guy that came today was my dad. He's apparently some big important dude. He asked me to be his secretary, I think more as a ploy to get to know me than any need for help, but I wanna do it. I promised you that when I moved up in the world I'd look after you, so I'd like for you to join me as a bodyguard. There's not gonna be any more Niner kids coming through needing your guidance. But you were my family before I met my dad. I still need you there. I trust you. "

Anastas looked gobsmacked, taking in the absolute torrent of information that Gideon had unloaded straight into his face. "You want me as a bodyguard? I've been on duty watching over prisoners for 19 years. I'm certainly not a good fit. I bet even Orty could take me down."

Gideon waved her hands as if she could clear away his objections. "He said he'd train me. I doubt he'd turn you down. Even if he did, you can exercise while I train with him, then I'll train you. We'll get you back in shape. Please Anastas, I made a promise, let me keep it."

Anastas slumped down, looking almost defeated. "Fine, I'll do it. I'm not cut out for this, the killing."

"You'll have to kill being a bodyguard."

"I don't mind killing people that will hurt me. But I hate flipping planets. That's why I'm a jailer. The kids I deal with don't come to me run through," Anastas paused as if contemplating. "Plus, I'll finally be able to get a beer in peace."

Gideon could feel the confusion writ large on her face as she looked at Anastas. His only response was a sneering, "Chicken shits don't get beer."

[animalnarratives]

FOR MY DEAR @lonavy ...

the idea of a logan heat fic came to me the same way about 99% of my other heat fics ideas did: i took a long look at logan and went "man, that guy would fucking HATE being omega". it's internalized-homophobia-toxic-masculinity-internalized-omegaphobia(???)-fest. i put "possibly five times" in the title because i was thinking about making a series out of it (logan progressively becoming more Okay with being an omega) or a 5 times + 1 but ive unfortunately been genuinely stuck on the writing for about a week—so for now I'm just leaving it be and i'll probs come back to it in some time...

also oscars in it! How could he not be! he genuinely tries to be supportive and helpful for logan because hes clocked that logan's in heat and he can also SEE that logan doesn't know what to do with it. he doesn't try to take advantage of it at all especially since logan is being noticeably weird about it (acting like everything is fine, not warning anyone on his team, not taking a day off or whatever. and most of all. not being on suppressants?)...

the first instalment of that could-be series (the very first time Logan is in heat) isn't oscar/logan per se because nothing happens between them. it is planned however that logan starts seeking oscar afterwards and they have nasty gay sex about it! hooray!

some parts of it under the cut ...

Logan's first heat is cruel, humiliating, painful.

He wakes up earlier than he needs to, feverish and sore. It's barely five and a half when he checks the time, arm and fingers outstretched to reach his phone on the nightstand without having to move too much; the light from outside, morning-tainted, bathes the hotel room in a dim blue glow. 

Warmth washes over him in slow, vicious waves. He tries to fight down the dizziness, swallow back the bile that rises up his throat, but nothing gives; the room spins around him, unyielding. 

The bitter part, he thinks, is how quickly it dawns on him, how little room for doubt there is. Against his underwear, he's achingly hard; on his backside, he's– 

He exhales shakily, fingers pressed against himself. He's wet.

[...]

"Okay," Oscar says, quietly. He touches the side of Logan's face then the spot right behind his ear, where sweat beads and rolls down the slope of his neck. "Have you told anybody…?"

"No, I don't want—I don't want anybody to know, this is just…"

He shoves his face into the pillow harder, screwing his eyes shut as he lets out a small breathy groan. It feels good, the way Oscar touches him, the way he presses his cold fingers into his skin. He could get himself off on this, he thinks wildly; grinding against the bed and focusing on Oscar's touch only. 

"You shouldn't spend it alone."

Something coils itself tightly at the bottom of Logan's stomach. If Oscar were to ask him, if Oscar were to say, "I'll do it, Logan"—then Logan would give in, probably. He wants it, needs it in a way he's never known before. It's equally as terrifying as it is exhilarating, in a sick way; and if he already heaves in humiliation at the thought of saying it out loud, of asking, warmth spread through his gut when he imagines Oscar—Oscar, pressing himself against him, Oscar putting his mouth on his skin, slipping his fingers under his shirt, down his underwear, and taking, taking, taking—

[allyouneedisbuck]

i’m begging for you (take my hand)

this fic has 18+ content! MINORS DO NOT INTERACT. this is for your safety and mine! please respect that. 

by continuing to read you are stating that you are over eighteen and understand this content is not meant for minors.

summary // bucky doesn’t do love, you love bucky. being friends with benefits makes sense, right? [bucky barnes x female!reader]

words // 19.0k (BUCKLE UP IT’S A LONG ONE)

warnings // modern!bucky, fwb! trope, brief love triangle (steve x reader x bucky), overall toxicity, cursing, daddy issues (bucky’s dad left), drinking, excessive use of nicknames (sweetheart/sweets/baby), oral sex (f! receiving), penetrative sex, unsafe sex (do not have unprotected sex!), spitting, thigh riding, bucky has a metal arm but it’s not explained why (it was a car accident & that is already known by reader)

notes // title from willow by taylor swift (this fic was originally titled heartbeat and inspired by childish gambino’s song of the same name) i just could not get modern bucky not knowing how to deal with feelings out of my head & it became this catastrophe [ive never written 18+ before so pls be gentle in your judgement of those scenes omg] happy reading! 

if you enjoy this, reblogs & replies are greatly appreciated (especially when pieces take this much work)

》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《

“To Bucky Barnes, my now forever lawyer.” You hold out your wine glass and he meets you halfway in a cheers. Bucky laughs brightly as you praise him. “And now my sugar daddy, since he makes an insane amount of money as senior associate.” 

The two of you are halfway through your second bottle of wine. “I’ve been a lawyer for four years. I’m just now becoming your go-to?” He holds a hand to his chest in faux hurt. 

You lean towards him as you laugh. “I needed to make sure you were a good lawyer. Get me off murder charges good.” It feels like the two of you have been scooting closer to each other all night. 

“Sweetheart, you know I’d be there to help you hide the body if you needed me to.” He leans towards you in a conspiratorial whisper. Your eyes move from his eyes to his lips before snapping back up. “Then get you off the charges.” He breathes out. 

You can feel his breath on your face. The scent of red wine hits your noise and you can see it staining his lips. You want to kiss him so desperately, but you just can’t make the first move. You don’t think you could handle that rejection. 

“I’m gonna kiss you.” He says quietly, his eyes scanning over your face for any sign of rejection. You swallow thickly before nodding. “Okay.” You whisper back before letting out a nervous giggle. 

Bucky’s hand comes up to rest against your cheek. Its coldness relieves some of the heat that’s risen to underneath your skin from his proximity and the wine you’ve consumed. 

Your eyes slide shut as he leans in. His nose nudging against yours before you feel his lips. You bring your hand up to rest on his chest. His lips are softer than you expected and taste like the wine they’re stained with. It’s everything you’ve dreamed of when dreaming of kissing Bucky. 

He pulls away and looks at you with half lidded eyes. “You’re so pretty.” He mumbles. You feel heat crawl up the back of your neck at the honesty in his tone. He presses a kiss against your jaw. Then your neck. Your head falls to the side to allow him better access. 

It’s easy to move into his lap when his hands grip at your hips. “Fuck.” Bucky moans as you grind down against him. You throw your head back in a moan as his lips trail down from your jaw to your neck. 

“Shit.” You say breathlessly as his hands run up and down your sides. Your hands drop down and begin to work on his jeans button and zipper. Bucky lets out a groan when they brush against his already hard dick. 

You stand from his lap and he pulls his jeans off while you move to unbutton your top. As you work on the shirt, Bucky’s hands reach out to undo your own jeans. When you’re standing in nothing but underwear in front of him, Bucky isn’t doing anything but staring. The heat in his eyes makes you feel flush and goes straight to your core. “Fuck. You’re gorgeous.” He says quietly.

You crawl back into his lip and Bucky’s hands find you again immediately. You rub against him and both of you moan at the slight relief it offers. Bucky’s hand drifts down between you two and he begins to rub over your clothed clit.

You grind down on his hand and let out a whine. “More. More. Please.” You whisper. Bucky laughs softly at you before slipping his hand into your underwear and running a finger over your slit. “Oh my god.” Your head falls to rest on his shoulder.

“That’s it. You look so good like this, sweetheart.” He murmurs into your hair. The praise makes you moan as you grind down against him again desperate for more.

You pull back to look at him, one of your hands tangled in the hair at the back of his head. In a breathless tone you say, “Fuck me.”

Bucky groans. “Oh shit.” His hips buck up against you. “Yeah. Okay.” He pushes you off of his lap gently and moves to pull his briefs off. You follow suit and pull your underwear off.

“Come here.” He groans as he pulls you back over his lap. You giggle as he presses a flurry of kisses across your chest. He holds a hand out in front of you, “Spit.” He orders.

You glance at him in shock before following the order. His eyes roll back as he watches you before he moves to use the spit to lube himself up. “Fuck me. Please.” You whisper to him as he teases your entrance.

“Don’t have to ask me twice.” Bucky slips into you and you both let out loud moans. “Fuck. Fuck. You feel so good.” His forehead rests against your chest as both of you relish in the feeling for a moment. After a few seconds of shaky breathing, you yank at his hair gently so he’s forced to look at you again. A smirk spreads across his face at the feeling and you smile down at him, “Gonna fuck me? Or are we just sit here?” You tease. 

Bucky’s hands grip your hips tightly and he steadies his feet on the ground. “Yeah, sweets. ‘M gonna fuck you.”

》•

Your eyes focus in on Wanda as she waves a hand in front of your face. You can feel your body grow hot at the memory of Bucky and you. “What’s on your mind? You’ve been zoning out all night.” She laughs softly.

“Bucky and I had sex last night.” You blurt out, unable to keep it to yourself any longer. You swallow tightly when Wanda’s eyes brighten in excitement before confusion takes over.

She watches your face, like she can tell something was wrong, and doesn’t move to do anything for a second. When she does speak, it’s hesitant. “You’ve liked him since we were in school. Is this good or bad?”

You frown. She was right, you had liked Bucky since he had come barreling into your life senior year of college with bright eyes, mischievous smiles and maybe too many issues to ever be in a real relationship. You had sat through his flings and tried to move on with you own, but every guy had ended up being jealous of Bucky or too boring compared to him.

“He doesn’t-” You suck in a deep breath. “He doesn’t want a relationship.” You say quietly. You take another sip of your wine when Wanda reaches over with pity filled eyes and grabs a hold of your hand.

She shakes her head like she doesn’t understand what you’ve just said to her. “What do... What do you mean?” 

You run your hands over your face in despair. “I don’t... We had like two bottles of wine and we hooked up.” You look up at her with tearful eyes. “When I woke up this morning, he went on about how he loved me and he didn’t want to hurt me.” 

Wanda’s watching you with wide eyes. “Start from the beginning. What did he say? Are you sure he said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship?” She’s shaking her head in disbelief. 

You take a deep breath before launching into the story. 

His bed is empty when you wake up. Your stomach sinks as you stare at his bedroom door left ajar. You can hear him in the kitchen talking, but you can’t quite make out what he’s saying. 

You take a deep breath before getting up. You had hoped he would sleep in with you. That cuddling in the morning would lead to confessions of hidden feelings. Your hopes diminished as you creeped down the hallway towards the kitchen. 

“No.” Bucky sounds anxious as he talks into the phone. “I’m telling you. I fucked up.” You step in the kitchen and he glances over his shoulder with wide eyes. “I’ve got to go. Bye.” He hangs up abruptly and turns to you with a tense smile. 

You give him a small smile in return. “Morning.” You tug at the hem of his t-shirt nervously as he stares at you. “We should-”

“I wanted to-” The two of you laugh awkwardly as you speak over one another. You hold your hand towards him. “You go first.” You move to sit at one of counter’s barstools. 

Bucky’s watching you with wary eyes and if his words to whoever was on that phone weren’t warning enough, this new demeanor around you certainly is. “You’re my best friend.” He comes to stand directly across from you. “And I care about you a lot. You’re one of the most important women in my life. I don’t want to ruin our relationship.” 

You nod slowly as he attempts to reject you kindly. If it weren’t so painful, you might laugh at how awkward he looks. “It’s not...” You trail off unsure of what to say. “Bucky, it’s not that serious. We’re fine.” You reach your hand across the counter palm up for him to take. 

His brows furrow. “You’re not mad at me?” He asks in confusion. “I thought-”

You shake your fingers and he smiles before holding your hand tightly in his. “It was consensual. With a guy I trust with my life. And it was great sex. I’m not mad at you.” You smile reassuringly. 

It’s not a lie. Not at all. Everything you said was true, you had just left out the part where you had been hoping for more. But you could get over this. A one time fling. You could survive it as long as you didn’t lose him. 

“You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that.” Bucky’s shoulders relax. The tension on his face transforms into a cocky smirk. “Great sex?” 

“That’s...” Wanda trails off as she digests your words. “Why didn’t you tell him how you feel?” She asks. 

You look at her with wide eyes. “What do you mean why didn’t I tell him? Should we start with me overhearing him telling someone how much he fucked up or his rejection for dummies speech?” You laugh sarcastically. 

Wanda gives you apologetic eyes. “How can you be sure he was talking to the person on the phone about you?” You scrunch your nose up at her and she sighs. “Okay, whatever. At least now you know he doesn’t want a relationship! You can move on and find someone with a bigger dick.” 

“Wanda!” You can’t help but laugh. You give her an appreciative smile before letting out a sigh.  “I don’t know... I guess I just always thought we’d end up together. It’s stupid.”

You trace your finger around the base of your wine glass. Wanda watches you for a moment before flagging down a waitress. She looks at you with a twinkle in her eye. “Can I get a round of tequila shots, please?” She asks. 

The waitress nods before walking away. “We’re going to get you drunk and make you forget all about Bucky Barnes.” 

You laugh softly. “Yes please.” 

》

Four glasses of wine and two rounds of shots leaves you struggling to get the key into your apartment door’s lock. 

“Fuck.” You mutter when you push too hard and the keys clatter against the floor. You sigh deeply before bending down to pick them. You lay one palm flat against your door in an attempt to steady your shaky feet as the other reaches for your keys. 

Then you’re falling forward and your shoulder hits the floor harshly. “Jesus, sweetheart. I thought you were some weirdo trying to break in.” You groan as you look up and see Bucky staring down at you with furrowed brows. 

He’s wearing nothing but sweatpants, his metal arm and abs on full display for you. You give him a dopey smile. “Hey, handsome.” 

He laughs loudly. It’s bright and contagious and makes you giggle as he bends down to lift you to your feet. “Missed you tonight.” He says softly as he wraps his arm around your waist.

You allow yourself to rest your bodyweight on him, knowing he’s strong enough to lead you to your room. His soft words leave you feeling like you’re floating. It’s like the night before had never happened. 

“Missed you too.” You whisper. Your words are slurred, not that you can change that, but you know he understands them. He presses a kiss to your head in response as he leads you down the hall and into a room. 

The room is spinning around you, but you know it’s Bucky’s from the blank walls and dark furniture. Bucky sits you down on the edge of his bed and your fingers immediately grip his comforter tightly. “Why’d you bring me here?” Your grip is the only thing that keeps you from falling backwards onto his bed. 

You try to focus your eyes on him, but he’s moving around the room too fast. From what you think is his dresser then his closet. “I’ve got to make sure you don’t choke on your own vomit tonight.” 

“‘M not gonna get sick.” You mumble as he comes to a stop in front of you. He holds out a pile of clothes to you. “I have my own clothes in my own room.” You stare up at him defiantly. 

You can see Bucky push his tongue against the inside of his cheek, a tell that he was getting a little annoyed. “C’mon sweets. Just put the clothes on and get in bed.” 

He’s still holding the clothes out in front of you. His earlier rejection running through your mind. “I’m not having sex with you tonight.” You blurt out. You would have never said the words sober, but you didn’t want him to think it would become a recurring thing. 

Bucky laughs awkwardly and drops the clothes on the bed beside you. “I’m not trying to have sex with you. I’m trying to take care of you and make sure you don’t die in your sleep.” 

Your eyes narrow, but you feel far too dizzy to actually get up and move to your room to prove a point. You lift your arms and look up at Bucky, “Help?” 

He smiles victoriously and reaches for the hem of your shirt. You can see his eyes trail over your bralette and feel your cheeks warm, but you blame that on the alcohol. 

“Do you want to sleep in this?” He whispers as his fingers trail over one of the straps. You shiver as one of his cold fingers presses into your skin and leaves goosebumps in its wake. 

You bite down on your lip, but nod your head. “I’ll be fine in it.” 

He nods and you raise your arms again as he slips one of his black t-shirts onto you. It’s soft and smells like him leaving you warm all over and suddenly tired. Your head falls so your chin is resting against your chest. 

Bucky kneels down in front of you. “Is it okay if I take your jeans off? So I can put sweatpants on you?” He moves his head so you’re forced to make eye contact with him as his hands come to rest on your stomach. He fiddles with your jean’s button, but doesn’t move to actually undo it yet. 

You nod softly before falling backwards onto the bed. Bucky’s hands move quickly as he unbuttons and unzips your jeans. There’s a sharp inhale once he gets your jeans off, but you ignore it.  

“Sweetheart.” You lift your hips when you feel his sweatpants get stuck underneath you. “Thank you.” He says quietly.  

“What did you do tonight?” You mumble as you move around his bed to crawl under the comforter. You wait until he’s situated beside you before pulling the blanket up to cover the bottom half of your face. 

He pulls the blanket down and holds out a wipe. “You complain when I let you fall asleep with the makeup.” 

Your eyes flicker to his in brief shock, unaware of how much he actually listened to you. “Than...Thank you.” You begin to wipe it across your face. It’s not your normal routine, but it was better than nothing. “Tell me about your night.” 

Bucky moves so he’s sitting against his headboard. “I just waited for you all night.” He shrugs. 

You drop the wipe onto the side table. “Shut up. What did you really do?” You shove gently at his shoulder. Bucky’s hand wraps around your wrist and he pulls you into him. 

He’s stronger when you’re sober, so your drunk body falls into his side easily and you wrap an arm around his waist. “I’m telling you the truth, sweets. I just waited all night for you.” He presses a kiss to your temple. 

You look up from his chest to find him looking down at you with soft eyes. He’s being kind and you’re sure all that he can think of is how happy he is that your friendship hasn’t been ruined. 

But all you can think about is how no matter how soft he is with you, he still doesn’t want to be with you. No matter how much he says he loves you and misses you, it’s not the sam way you mean it. It leaves a crack in your heart that you’re unsure will ever be healed. 

》•

She’s pretty. You think bitterly as you watch from across the room. 

Bucky’s firm had a party every few months for donors. Bucky hated them. He always complained that schmoozing wasn’t his specialty, law was, so you were usually dragged along as his plus one to “Keep me from dying of boredom, please.” 

You usually didn’t mind. Bucky flirted for money, you got to enjoy to open bar to cope with his non-existent feelings for you. Tonight felt even worse. 

You force yourself to look away and look back down at the drink in front of you. You’re glad Wanda isn’t there to look at you with the same pity filled eyes that you had been getting since revealing the details of your hook up, but you wish you had someone to turn to. 

“You look great in that dress.” Your head whips up at the familiar voice. Steve is smiling at you sweetly and you can tell he’s keeping his eyes respectfully on yours. “Definitely your color.” 

You laugh. You and Steve weren’t particularly close, he was a childhood friend and you were college. The two of you really only spent time together in groups or with Bucky there. “Thank you, Mr. Rogers.” You tease. 

“Please.” He throws his head back in an over dramatic groan. “Steve! So many people have called me Mr. Rogers tonight I’m going to fall into an identity crisis.” 

You give him an ill-suppressed smile. “Thank you, Steve.” He sits down in the barstool next to you and waves the bartender over. 

“Water for me and…” He glances at the empty glass in front of you, “another glass of wine for her?” His voice ends in a question and he smiles brightly when you nod. 

“I could be wrong, but aren’t you supposed to be flirting with rich women to fund your pro bono cases?” You run a finger around the base of your glass. 

Steve’s eyes trail from your manicured nails up to your teasing smile. He swallows and forces out a soft laugh. “I’m not too good at the flirting that’s uh-.” He looks over his shoulder before looking back at you with kind eyes. 

You ignore his insinuation. Ignore the idea of Bucky and Steve feeling pity for you over Bucky. “Everyone deserves a break.” 

The man in front of you gives you a relieved smile. “And what better way to take a break than talk to a pretty girl?” 

You smile sweetly. “You could get 100k easily with that charm.” Steve throws his head back in a laugh and his arm lands on the back of your seat when he leans back in. 

You find yourself leaning in too. He’s got a nice laugh and sweet personality. You can feel the warmth radiating off of him and it’s relaxing. 

For a moment, Bucky is forgotten as Steve gives you all his attention, the first person to do so all night.

》•

Bucky stops to stand next to Sam as he takes a sip of his drink. His eyes scan over the party in search of you. 

“Good for Steve.” Sam says into his glass before taking a sip of his drink. Bucky’s eyes cut to him in question. Sam nods in front of him and Bucky’s eyes settle on you at the bar. With Steve. 

“What do you mean good for Steve?” Bucky asks. He can’t take his eyes off of you as Steve slides a glass of wine towards you. 

Sam shrugs nonchalantly. “He’s had a crush on her since that Halloween party last year.” 

Bucky’s mind drifts to you in your skin tight superhero costume. He wasn’t blind, he had seen the guys who had come up to you and their eyes that had trailed after you. 

“He hasn’t said anything to me.” He feels a surge of pride at the fact that he can’t explain when he thinks of how at the end of the night, you had come home alone with him, content to sit on the couch and watch horror movies. “He’s not her type.” He adds on after a moment of silence. 

Bucky isn’t too confident in his words though. Steve seemed to be the perfect kind of guy for you. Kind, funny, made good money, and was always the guy who listened with open ears. Bucky just couldn’t fathom you with anybody that… He doesn’t know, but he knows Steve doesn’t feel right.

Sam snorts. “Yeah. Try telling you about wanting to take her out? He’d rather live.” Bucky watches as Steve leans in closer to whisper something into your ear. 

He feels rage surge through him, but forces himself to stay in his spot. “Not like we’re dating. He could have told me if he wanted to. Or made a move.” He wasn’t sure why he felt so angry about you and Steve. It wasn’t like you two were dating, he hadn’t lied to Sam.

Sam looks at Bucky like he’s grown two heads. “Come on, Buck. Not dating? You call her all these nicknames, never let other people flirt with her, always take her home.” 

“We live together.” Bucky defends weakly. His mind drifts to kissing you while wine drunk. He shakes his head. “Of course I take her home.” 

Sam looks a little bemused as he asks, “Are you two seriously not dating?” 

“Of course not! She’s my best friend.” He glances at Sam before looking back over at Steve. You’re leaning in too. It’s not like he was lying, the two of you weren’t dating. But he had brought you as his date tonight and he’ll be damned if Steve weasels his way into your heart. 

“I was just cur-“ Bucky shoves his empty glass into Sam’s hand before beginning to make his way through the crowd towards you. 

He can vaguely hear Sam shout a goodbye, but all he can focus on is getting your attention onto him and off of Steve. 

》

You feel him before you see him. His hand trailing up your back before landing on the spot where your neck meets your shoulder. His grip isn’t tight, but it makes you shiver. 

“What’s going on here?” His voice is a possessive drawl and you look up at him with a confused smile. 

You sit up straighter and Steve immediately pulls away. His blue eyes follow Bucky’s arm to his face and they narrow. “Just keeping her company. Noticed you were busy, so…” Steve trails off with a shrug.

Bucky’s grip on you tightens. “Well, I’m here now. You can go back to schmoozing.” He nods his head in the direction of the party, but Steve doesn’t budge. 

You’re extremely confused by Bucky’s sudden possessiveness over your attention and turn to him with an annoyed glare. “Actually, Steve was telling me about how that’s your specialty. He’s far too sweet to mindlessly flirt. ” 

You feel Steve’s shocked gaze on you, because he had definitely not said that, but you don’t look away from Bucky. His glare melts into a sickly sweet smile as he turns to look at his childhood friend. “That so?” 

Part of you feels bad for pushing Steve into the middle of whatever this tension was between you and Bucky. But you can’t ignore the pleasure that rushes through you as Bucky’s grip tightens and his attention focuses solely on you for the first time all night. 

Steve looks back and forth between you two before he stands from his seat. “It was nice seeing you.” He leans down and presses a kiss to your cheek before slapping a hand against Bucky’s back. “See you later, punk.”

You swallow as Bucky moves to take Steve’s now unoccupied seat. He orders a drink and you can only watch in shock as moves around so casually. When he finally looks back at you he just looks confused by your silence. 

“What’s up?” He asks with a smile. 

You roll your eyes at him. “What was that?” You gesture in the direction Steve had gone before looking at him with wide eyes. 

Bucky looks down at his drink and shrugs. “Didn’t want anyone bothering you.” 

“Anyone bothering me? That was Steve!” You laugh incredulously. “I know Steve. You know Steve. He was keeping me company.” You can’t wrap your head around his random behavior. 

Bucky shakes his head like you’re the one who’s being confusing and acting weird. “You just looked a little uncomfortable. I came to your rescue.” He gulps down the rest of his drink. 

“My rescue?” You shake your head at him. “Buck, it was Steve. Steve Rogers is one of the most polite men in New York.” 

Bucky shakes his head. “He likes you. Sam said he was definitely trying to make a move on you.” He immediately feels bad for blurting out Steve’s secret, but he just can’t let it go. 

You scrunch your face up in confusion before letting out a breath. “That’s not your secret to tell.” You grab your clutch and stand up quickly. “Why would that even matter anyways?” You look down at him now, he’s still sitting on the barstool. He won’t look up at you.

“Can we just go home?” He asks quietly as he taps his fingers against the bar counter. You bite down on your lip before finally nodding. “Fine.” He lets out a sigh before standing to follow you. 

You’re shocked when you feel his fingers slip in between yours as the two of you walk towards the elevators. Holding hands with Bucky wasn’t new, per say, you’d done it at bars to get out of creepy guys flirting with you, amusement parks so as to not lose one another, but this… This felt different, softer and more insecure. 

You swallow before squeezing his hand in return. You hear the relieved breath he lets out as the two of you stop in front of the closed elevator doors. 

He whispers your name with a tug of your hand. You turn to look at him as the two of you step into the empty elevator. “I didn’t… I didn’t mean to screw things up with Steve. I just… I don’t know.” 

Your heart breaks a little. You weren’t sure what you expected. Maybe an admission of jealousy, that Bucky realized he didn't want you with Steve or any other guy, he wanted you with him. But the words never came and you feel stupid for letting your hopes get the best of you.

You shrug. “It’s fine, Buck.” The elevator is slow in its descent. You almost groan when you see how high you are and the fifteen floors left to go down. “I don’t like Steve… I just… It was nice to have some company. You were busy all night.” 

You try to hide the emotion in your voice, but Bucky can hear it. He can see it too, written on your face as you try to keep your eyes on the descending numbers. 

Your words cause a wave of relief to crash over him. You didn’t like Steve. You didn’t like Steve. He felt bad for his friend, but not bad enough to stop his next move.

He tugs at your hand again. The elevator is almost all the way down if you could just ignore him for a few more seconds-

His lips are on yours before you even have a chance to think about why he’s pulling you towards him. You’re still with shock, your hands clasped between you two, as Bucky kisses you. 

You don’t kiss back, too stunned to. Bucky pulls back when the elevator finally dings and you try to rush out only to be stopped when you realize you’re still attached to Bucky’s hand. 

“What the fuck was that?” You hiss. “You can’t just… Just flip out about Steve flirting, tell me you’re not jealous and then kiss me!” You yell.

Bucky swallows thickly and glances around the empty lobby. “I… It…”

You stare at him with lifted brows waiting for an explanation. “You need to figure your shit out, Buck. I said I was fine if you wanted it to be a one time thing but I’m not here for you to yank around.” 

“I’m not trying to yank you around!” Bucky defends. “I just… What if it wasn’t just a one time thing?” He asks quietly, his voice almost a whisper. 

You want to cry. “Wh...What?” You ask with a shake of your head. 

“I feel like such a dick.” He admits taking a hesitant step closer to you. When you don’t move away, he places a hand on your cheek. “Stuff with work has been so stressful lately and… and I never have the time or energy to do anything. The other night, with you, was the most relaxed I’ve been in a while.” 

“What are you saying?” 

“I’ve been thinking of us helping each other out.” 

“Like a friends with benefits thing?” You blurt out when you realize where he was going with this. 

He nods. “I just… Got to thinking after you left that morning. It was great sex, best I’ve had in a while.” You swallow and your eyes dart away a little embarrassed. “And I know you and don’t have to worry about you giving me some disease. We live together and we wouldn’t have to go out or wait for some random hook up.” 

You can’t really wrap your head around his words. “But you don’t want… You don’t want to have a relationship?” 

“You know me.” He laughs tensely. “Not a relationship guy. I love you, you’re my best friend, but-“

“That’s good.” Your blurt, already regretting the words. “I mean, I love you, you’re my best friend too, you know? Neither of us really have time for one anyways and… Life is stressful.” 

“You… You want to? Do the benefits thing?” Bucky looks like he can’t believe that you’re agreeing. Quite honestly, you can’t really believe the words coming out of your mouth either. 

Because you liked Bucky. You had for so long now it felt like it was a piece of you. You were sure you loved him. You were sure he didn’t feel the same way and this… This was a way to be with him, no matter how fucked up it may be. 

And life was stressful. A full time job with New York City rent and bills. You hated going out. You hate hook ups, they always left you disgruntled and disappointed. Bucky had… Bucky had been good. The best, probably. And it would be nice to have someone other than yourself every once in a while. 

“Yeah.” You whisper. “I… I want to. I’m kind of sick of my hand.” 

Bucky snorts then laughs and it immediately calms you down. He was still your Bucky. Just with the added bonus of sex. “Me too, sweets.” 

He presses a kiss to your forehead and pulls you into a hug. You suck in a deep breath. “I think you said something about going home.” You mumble into his suit jacket. 

“Yeah.” He whispers back, tilting your chin up to look up. He smirks down at you. “I did.” 

》

“Fuck. Fuck.” You moan as Bucky kisses down your chest. “Please, Buck.” You whimper when his right hand comes up and begins to play with your nipple. 

He doesn’t respond, his tongue flicking over your other nipple. You’re arching your back into him, it feels good, but you want more. His left hand is settled on your hip and you want it on you in a different way. 

You groan when he pulls away to look at you. “What do you want, sweetheart? You gotta tell me or I won’t be able to give it to you.” His tone is sweet, but he’s looking at you with blown pupils and a cocky smile. 

“Your fingers, Buck, please.” You try to lift your hips up a little, but his left hand keeps you pressed against his mattress. You look at him pleadingly when he still doesn’t move. “Please, James.” You murmur. 

You didn’t call him by his first name often, he had introduced himself as Bucky and you hadn’t even learned it until a few months later. Sometimes you pulled it out to tease him, but tonight… You wanted to see if it would push him. 

“Fuck.” He mutters, leaning over you and beginning to press a line of kisses down your stomach all the way to your pelvic bone. “Fuck, that’s hot. Say it again.” 

You throw your head back in a moan when his hand begins to rub you through your panties. “James. I need you to-“ 

“Gonna give you more than my fingers, sweets.” He hooks fingers in the waistband of your panties and yanks them down. “Finally gonna get a taste of you, if that’s okay.” He glances at you and you nod hastily.

“God. Yes, please.” Your eyes flutter shut as his hands force your thighs open. His grip on you is tight and harsh and makes your entire body tingle. 

“So pretty.” He murmurs just watching you. If you weren’t so turned on you would be embarrassed by his stare, but his words just make you even more desperate for him. He settles on his stomach, head between your thighs. He begins to bite and kiss his way up your inner thigh. “Been thinking about this since you let me fuck you, sweetheart.” He admits in a murmur before finally putting his mouth on you. “Thinking about how you taste.”

“Oh shit.” You moan, a combination of the pleasure of his tongue and his words giving you butterflies. “Yes. Fuck.” 

“Knew you’d taste good.” He moans, the words go straight to your core and he knows it. He knows what he’s doing. His hands gripping at your hips tightly, thumbs rubbing calming circles into your skin. He flicks his tongue over your sensitive spot and your back arches. “So good.” You murmur breathily. Your hands are clutching the bed sheets as you try to grind your hips up. 

Bucky pulls one hand away, it gives you a little more freedom to move but not much, and begins to tease you with a finger. 

“Yes. Please, your fingers.” You beg him. Bucky chuckles against you, sending hot breath and a small vibration straight to your core. It feels good, he’s good. 

He pulls away slightly and you whine. “Come on, sweets.” He urges, pushing his finger into you. You moan at the feeling. “What happened to calling me James? Said I liked it.” He adds another, your slick heat allowing them easily.

“James.” You look down at him with blown pupils. Bucky almost comes right there, his fingers inside of you, your chest heaving and you looking at him like that. “James. Please. Want your mouth on me again.” 

Now that you’ve started saying his name, it’s like you can’t stop. The name tumbles out of your mouth like a prayer. He rewards you for it though, his mouth is back on you, licking over you steadily, and you can feel the tension in your stomach the closer and closer you get. 

“So good.” Bucky murmurs into your skin. You moan out again. “Gonna come for me, sweetheart?” He pulls away to ask, his breath fanning across your skin. Your hips buck up towards him in desperation and Bucky groans. “Come on, sweets. Can you come for me? Please.” 

He curves his fingers and flicks his tongue over your already sensitive bud again and your back arches. “Fuck. Fuck.” You moan as your orgasm washes over you. Bucky works you through it and your legs are shaking by the time he pulls his mouth away to smile cheekily at you. 

“I like it when you call me James.” He whispers as he crawls up towards you. You roll you eyes with a tired smile. He fingers trace circles over you stomach. “You tired?”

You nod your head. Your eyes trail over his body, his hard dick making an obvious tent in his briefs. You smirk at him, your hand moving to trail down from his stomach to his dick. Bucky moans as your hand grips him. 

“Still want you to fuck me though.”

》•

Bucky thinks maybe the two of you should establish some ground rules. No dates, if you sleep with somebody else let the other know, use protection, don’t fall asleep together. 

But he can’t imagine the two of you not having your regular Sunday breakfasts together after his runs or forcing you out of his room when the two of you had shared beds long before this ever happened. 

So, he ignores it. He decides to enjoy your warmth in his bed and assumes you’re not seeing anybody else. It’s good. It works, even if his friends think he’s being an idiot. 

Steve is on one side while Sam is on his other and they’ve both been standing in silence now that Bucky has finished explaining what happened when the two of you left the party.

He feels bad when he sees Sam’s eyes flicker to Steve in confusion, but Steve’s face holds more pity than annoyance. It makes Bucky feel uncomfortable in his spot as he takes a sip of water.

“I don’t understand why you’re not calling her your girlfriend.” Steve finally says. 

Bucky rolls his shoulders with an annoyed sigh. “I just said. We’re both busy with work and friends, there’s no time for relationships. This works for the both of us. We don’t have to rely on shitty hookups and we trust each other.” 

Steve gives Bucky a look that screams you’re an idiot while Sam just laughs loudly. “You have to know how ridiculous that sounds, dude.” Sam slaps a hand against Bucky’s back. “You guys live together. You have all the time in the world to actually date each other. I thought you guys were dating each other with how you act. you’re having sex now and you still won’t call her your girlfriend?” He asks incredulously. 

“I...I don’t want a relationship. It leads to marriage and kids and fights.” Bucky shudders. “No thanks. This way I get great sex and my best friend.”

Steve sighs heavily. “She deserves better than that, Buck. You know that.” His voice is full of disappointment. The same tone Bucky has been getting for years when it came to his relationships. 

“Like you?” His tone is defensive and his words are meaner than they should be. Bucky knows all Steve wants is for his friends to be happy. “She’s a grown woman. She can decide who she wants to have sex with.” 

“Come on, Buck. You’re not an idiot. She’s had a crush on you for years.” Steve lets out an exasperated sigh. “This is a great way to drive her away and lose her for good.” 

“I’m not-”

“All,” Steve raises his voice to cut Bucky off, “I’m saying is she’ll figure out this isn’t what she wants and find someone who can give it to her. Then you’ll be left in the dust realizing what an idiot you were for letting your irrational fears talk you out of being with her.”

Bucky runs his tongue over his lips. “Who? Are you gonna steal her?” 

Steve rolls his eyes. “Will it be stealing when you’re the one who drives her away?”

》

His bed is empty when you wake up, but that’s no surprise, you knew Bucky ran Sunday mornings with the guys. You almost expect to feel more shame or pain over falling into this friends with benefits thing. But, you feel okay. Bucky was still your best friend. Just with mind-blowing sex. He didn’t kick you out at night and didn’t seem put off by you. 

Your phone vibrates somewhere in his room from the inside of your clutch. You groan and finally move to sit up. Bucky has picked your things up and folded everything into a neat pile on the top of his dresser. Your clutch is sitting on the top of the pile and you can see the vibrations of your phone shaking it slightly. 

You pick his shirt up from the floor and slide it on before reaching for your underwear underneath the clutch. 

When you pull your phone out you see a few missed calls from Wanda, one last night the one you’ve just missed. You crawl into Bucky’s bed again and call her back. 

“Hey!” You smile at Wanda’s voice. “I called you last night, but I forgot you had that lawyer thing.” You can imagine her nose scrunching up in disgust at the idea. 

You mess with a loose thread on the comforter. “Yeah. Buck dragged me along.” There’s silence on the other end. You sigh heavily. “Shit. Wanda. You’ll never guess what I did last night.” 

Your eyes take in the room. Bucky doesn’t have many decorations or knick knacks, but he has a couple pictures sitting on his nightstand. You move to his side of the bed and pick one of them up. 

“You go home together?” Wanda doesn’t need to guess, there’s a twinge of disappointment in her voice but all you can focus on is the sadness you hear. Like she’s just hurting for you at this point. 

You stare down at the photo in your hand. It’s from Bucky’s last birthday. “We live together.” You defect. The photo is the two of you sitting at your kitchen counter with two glasses of wine in front of you. The wine is red and you can faintly see it staining both of your lips. His arm is wrapped loosely around your waist and you’re pressing a kiss his cheek. The photo makes your heart ache. “You sleep in your room?” Wanda laughs. You drop the photo on the bed in front of you. “You’ve gotta tell him. Tell him how you feel, really.” She urges you. 

You’re shaking your head even though she can’t see you. “It’ll ruin everything.” You say quietly. Losing him would be worse than loving him like this. “We... We agreed on a benefits thing last night. I think it can work.” 

“That’s a great way to get hurt.” Wanda says. You glance at the other picture he has sitting on his nightstand. 

It’s a photo of him and Steve. The two of them are children standing with hands wrapped tightly around the straps of their backpacks and they’ve got bright smiles on their faces. You smile at the sight, both boys happy, carefree and full of life.

Bucky’s left arm is still flesh in the photograph. He doesn’t talk about the accident much, he had come out with one arm and a completely changed person. Sometimes you wonder if things would be different if it had never happened.

You hear the front door slam shut. “I’ve gotta go! I’ll talk to you later.” You hang up before Wanda can say anything else. You leave the picture frame sitting in the bed, moving quickly from Bucky’s room to your own. 

》•

Bucky’s bedroom door is open when he gets home, but you’re nowhere to be found. Your clothes still sit on his dresser and there’s a picture frame partially covered by his comforter that makes Bucky pause.

It’s his favorite picture of you two, wine stained lips and happiness radiating off of you. He wonders what had made you grab it and what had made you drop it. Steve’s words come to mind she’s had a crush on you for years. 

Bucky wasn’t an idiot. He had seen the nervous smiles and bright eyes in college, he had done everything he could to stay just friends with you and it had seemed to work. You had moved on. Boyfriends and flings had come and gone, your eyes had shifted into a caring stare and you stopped nervously fidgeting with your hands around him, so Bucky had assumed your crush went away. Even now there was nothing that really stood out as you liking him. It sounded like Steve was making assumptions to mess with Bucky’s head. And it was working.

He stares at the picture for another moment before placing it back on his nightstand. Bucky wasn’t afraid of relationships, Steve was wrong, he just hated how they ended. He wasn’t afraid of holding hands or expensive dates, he was afraid of the unavoidable hurt and falling out of love that would cause him to lose you.

He couldn’t lose you.

“Bucky?” Your voice jolts him from his thoughts and his head turns from the photo to you, standing in his doorway in nothing but his t-shirt and a pair shorts. “What should we order for lunch?”

Bucky lets out a deep breath before smiling up at you. “We should get some wraps from that cafe down the block.”

“That sounds good.” You smile. Your eyes move over him and Bucky has to look away. You’ve always been good at studying him and knowing if something was up. “Everything okay?”

Bucky shakes his head. “I’m just thinking.” He offers a tense smile that makes you step further into his room. Bucky’s eyes move from your bare feet up your legs to your face that’s watching him with concerned eyes.

“That can’t be good.” You tease as you take a seat next to him. You rest your head against his shoulder and Bucky feels a little calmer with you next to him. “What’s got you spacing out like that, Buck?” You ask gently.

“You’re not…” Bucky swallows thickly and looks down at his lap. “You’re not gonna leave me, right? This isn’t gonna fuck us up?”

He feels you tense against his side and begins to panic until your hand intwines with his. “Not if we promise not to let it fuck us up. You’re my best friend, Buck. I don’t wanna lose you either.”

“I promise.” Bucky squeezes your hand. “Do you?”

You squeeze his hand in return, but don’t say anything. Bucky takes the action as promise enough.

》•

Days turn into weeks which turn into months and suddenly it’s November, fall in New York becoming winter much sooner than expected. The cold bites at your cheeks and seeps into your bones. Bucky becomes your warmth despite the constant ache in your heart at what you really are to him. 

Bucky comes into your room or you sneak into his. You ignore the looks from your friends when you all go out and don’t heed to any of Wanda’s advice.

The lines are blurred to you, because it feels like you’re in a relationship. It’s almost like you’ve fallen into one naturally. It’s not just secret sex in the middle of the night. It’s all your normal things, reading together on Sundays and watching your favorite show together Saturday nights. Only now it’s started to include footsie and make-out sessions.

There are some nights the two of you go out, whether it to be to dinner or to see a new movie, and they feel like dates. Bucky never lets you pay and holds your hand in the theater.

You almost want to ask him Why. Why aren’t we official? Why can’t you call me your girlfriend? But you’re far too afraid. For every small gesture that feels like love, there are nights out with your friends where Bucky ignores your existence or awkward introductions to coworkers you run into at the movie theater. 

Life moves on though. Day by day. Even if feels like you’re on a train moving full steam ahead towards a wall and impact is inevitable. 

It’s nice to have a taste of what it could be like to have him. 

》•

It blows up on a Thursday night, at eight thirty-two pm, to be exact. 

Bucky didn’t feel like cooking, he was relieved when you had suggested going out to grab dinner, but now he just wishes the two of you had stayed home.

There’s a tense and awkward silence as the two of you walk home. You’re about ten feet in front of him and not talking at all, it honestly looks more like he’s some creep following you home at this point. If he weren’t so upset he would probably laugh at the scene. 

If Bucky had just kept his mouth shut.

“Oh my god.” You groan, slouching down in your seat and covering your face with your hands. “Fuck.”

Bucky looks between you and the entrance of the restaurant confused by your sudden annoyance. “What’s wrong?” He asks leaning towards you.

“I went to high school with that girl.” You whisper. “We were friends until I stole her boyfriend.” You roll your eyes.

Bucky chokes on his drink mid-sip. “You stole her boyfriend? Right on! I didn’t know you had that in you.” He laughs, completely shocked by the idea of a you in high school who steals guys when all he’s ever known is the sweet, loyal girl.

“I didn’t actually steal her boyfriend!” You hiss. Bucky notices the girl do a double take when her eyes catch on you. “He broke up with her and asked me to prom two weeks later so she assumed I stole him. She hated me and made the last few months of senior year absolute shit for me.” You explain slipping further into your seat before taking a heavy sip of wine.

“Incoming.” He chuckles as she makes a beeline for your table. You sit up ramrod straight when her hand lands on your shoulder and your name comes out in a fake giggle.

“Eliza.” Your smile is equally as fake as you stand up to offer her a quick hug. “How are you?” Bucky watches with amused eyes as Eliza launches into a story about her boyfriend, who’s watching the scene with bored eyes from across the restaurant.

He smiles awkwardly when the two of you turn to face him. “This is my boyfriend, Bucky.” You smile tightly at the woman and Bucky watches uncomfortably as she trails her eyes over him. “Really?” Eliza asks.

“Just friends, actually.” Bucky can’t stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth with an awkward laugh.

Your eyes narrow at him before they flicker away. Bucky watches in what feels like slow motion as your shoulders hunch in and you close yourself off, absolutely embarrassed as Eliza turns to you with a proud smirk. “Is that right?” Her tone is nasty and Bucky is filled with regret immediately, but there’s nothing he can do because you’re grabbing your purse and jacket and storming away.

Eliza smiles at him. “She’s always been one for the dramatics.” Bucky shakes his head as he pulls out some bills and leaves them on the table, moving the chase after you. “Thanks.” He says to the woman sarcastically as he pushes past her.

That had lead him here, trailing after you silently, as you fume from a distance. “Sweetheart, come on.” Bucky pleads. The words make you freeze and spin around to face him. 

Bucky stumbles backwards as you walk towards him with fury in your eyes and your finger pointed at him accusingly. “Don’t call me that.” 

“I’ve always called you sweetheart,” Bucky frowns. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I just-”

“You didn’t embarrass me, James.” Bucky flinches as you spit out his first name like it’s poison. “You humiliated me. Was it really that big a deal? That I introduced you as my boyfriend? Does the idea of dating me disgust you that much?” 

Bucky throws his hands out in front of him in a defensive gesture. “No! I just... We’re not dating. You know that!” He shakes his head. “I mean, dating you doesn’t disgust me... I just... You know?” 

You raise your eyebrows at him. “No. I don’t know.” You say coldly. “It’s not like we’re not dating. You have to see that.” 

“See what?” Bucky asks, completely exasperated. “We do everything we used to do and sometimes have sex.” 

“Oh my god!” Your laugh sounds manic as you pause and look up at the sky like you’re searching for an answer. “Have you ever thought that maybe we weren’t ever just friends, Bucky? That we didn’t act like normal best friends do?” You cross your arms and look back at him. 

Yes. Bucky thinks immediately. “No!” He swallows. “I’ve always seen you as my best friend! Never... Never...” He’s dug himself a deeper and deeper hole every time he’s opened his mouth, but this is the nail in his coffin. He says your name gently, but you’re already backing away, hurt all over your face. 

“I guess I read everything wrong then.” You say quietly. “These stupid dates and us falling asleep together at night. All the holding hands and cuddling, right?” Your voice is filled with wet emotion and Bucky is sure if it wasn’t so dark outside he would see tears brimming your eyes. “You do that with all your friends. I mean nothing.”

“That’s not what I said!” Bucky exclaims. “You know you’re one of the most important women in my life. Please. Don’t do this.” He pleads. 

“I’m done. Okay? This stupid benefits thing? These friend dates, Sunday mornings together, movies? Done with all of it.” You hiss. You suck in a deep breath, like you’re preparing to deliver the final blow. Bucky braces himself. “You wanna be just friends? I’ll do you one better, we can be just roommates. That way there’s no confusion.”

Bucky can only stand still, watching as you walk away. 

》

Wanda has a kind enough heart to not say I told you so, when you show on her doorstep with mascara running down your cheeks. She just pulls you inside by your arm and wraps her softest blanket around your shoulders. 

“What happened?” She places a cup of tea on her coffee table in front of you. You can vaguely hear Vision trying to move around in the kitchen as quietly as possible. There’s an unspoken question that lingers in the air. What did Bucky do?

You sniffle. “We ran into Eliza tonight.” Wanda’s eyes widen and you nod. “I… I introduced Bucky as my boyfriend. It just slipped out, but he totally panicked and corrected me right to her face. I was so humiliated, I bolted.”

Wanda takes the seat beside you on the couch. “That’s awful. I can’t believe that idiot,” she hisses the word, “couldn’t put aside his dumb fears for five seconds and just have your back.”

You rub your eyes harshly. “That’s not the worst part of the night. I think the worst part was when he reiterated we were just friends and that he’s never seen me as anything more than that.” 

Wanda’s mouth drops open in shock and you can even hear Vision murmur something along the lines of oh shit in the kitchen. 

“Good way to get hurt, huh?” You reiterate Wanda’s words from weeks ago and her face falls into a look a pity. “I’m so stupid. Why did I even agree to doing benefits with him?”

“We all do dumb things when we love someone.” She says soothingly as she rubs her hand across your back. “I know this hurts, but look at the silver lining. Now you can move on, for real. Bucky’s made his intentions clear and you can find someone better.” 

You look at her sadly. “What if there isn’t someone better?” You almost choke on your own breath as you talk through your tears. “What if no one makes me feel that way?”

Wanda shakes her head and reaches up to grip your chin between her fingertips. It forces you to look into her blazing eyes. “Bucky’s nothing more than a man with commitment issues. We’re in New York City, there are millions of them. And for every Bucky, there’s a…a…”

“Vision.” You offer up with a teasing smile. Wanda blushes, but nods. “There’s a Vision. And yours is out there, he was just waiting for Bucky to fuck up.” 

You let out a choke laugh. “Yeah…” You trail off. “Can I crash here? I don’t think I can-“

“-Of course.” Wanda cuts you off. “For as long as you need.”

》

Bucky doesn’t even want to go inside. He just stands outside his apartment door staring blankly at the lock. It doesn’t feel like home without you there. 

You haven’t been home in three days and if it weren’t for your instagram stories with Wanda and Vision, Bucky would think you were dead.

You haven’t reached out at all, he isn’t sure if you had come by the apartment to grab personal things and when he had asked the guys if they had heard from you, Steve had just given him an I told you this would happen lecture. 

Bucky feels like a fucking idiot. Bucky is a fucking idiot. He shoves his key into the lock with a sigh. 

“Bucky?” A voice calls out. It makes him freeze in the doorway. It’s your voice. He’s sure it is. Nobody else had a key to the apartment. You pop out of the kitchen with a smile. “It is you!”

Your demeanor has done a complete flip. There’s no harsh stare or fiery eyes, just smiles. It leaves his head spinning. For the past three days he’s been trying to figure out how to make things better and you’re…fine? 

“He…hey.” He pushes the word out. “Um. What are you doing here?” 

Your brows furrow. “I live here?” You laugh softly before turning back into the kitchen. Bucky follows you dumbly, completely awestruck by your sudden reappearance. 

“I thought… I thought you were mad at me?” He asks hesitantly. 

“I was. Now I’m not.” You shrug. You move around the kitchen easily, putting groceries away that Bucky hadn’t even noticed with his entire focus on you. 

He moves towards you. “Sweetheart-“

You interrupt him with your name and suddenly the fire is back in your eyes. Oh. This isn’t Bucky’s best friend coming back into his life. 

It’s his roommate coming back home. 

Just like you had promised. 

》•

Bucky tries to catch you some days. He’ll tilt his head in an attempt to force your eyes to meet his while you talk about nothing after he gets home from work. 

You always avoid them, terrified one look into the blue you’ve loved for so long and you’ll crumble at his feet. You chatter about nothing important, the weather outside and your neighbor upstairs who always stomps around at four in the morning. 

Bucky always listens intently and you begin to feel a little guilty for cutting him out completely. You just needed some time to get over him, then one day you could come home and watch Law and Order with him again and cook dinner together. 

But for now, you pretend he’s nothing more than a roommate and like you’re not desperately in love with him. 

It’ll work. It has to work. 

》

Your name is like honey coming from Steve’s lips. He’s got a kind smile on his face as he hands over your coffee. He had slipped behind you in line at the coffee shop with a sheepish hello.

“You didn’t have to do that.” You say softly as you take it from him. “I can pay for my own coffee.” You can see the ingredients scribbled onto the side of his paper cup and it makes you smile into your sip.

Steve Rogers had a sweet tooth. 

“Day off? Or just a break?” You hold the coffee shop door open for him to follow you out onto the street. Steve gives you a thankful smile. 

“Break. I’m heading back to the office now.” He takes a sip of his drink. There were two weeks left of November and the streets of New York were doing their annual flip. Christmas lights going up too early and gloomy skies overhead.

You walk beside him, one hand shoved into your pocket. “Mind if I walk with you? I’m off today and I am so bored just sitting around the apartment.” 

“Not at all!” Steve answers quickly. There’s a slight flush on his cheeks that you attribute to the wind nipping at both your cheeks. “I could use the company of someone other than corporate lawyers.” 

You laugh at his dramatic eye roll. “You know most of your friends work at that firm.” Steve gives you an unapologetic smile. “Two friends and I can admit they can both be dicks sometimes.” 

He looks at you like he knows something and you swallow, turning to look straight ahead of you. “I disagree.” You finally say after a moment. He looks down at you with furrowed eyebrows. “Sam is always a sweetheart.”

That startles a laugh out of Steve, who looks at you with a shine in his eyes. He shakes his head and looks down at the sidewalk in front of him. “You okay? I know that-“ 

“-I’m fine.” You cut him off. You look up at him with a half smile. “And we don’t have to talk about it. In fact, let’s not.” You force out a laugh and Steve nods slowly.

You end up walking the rest of the way in a comfortable silence. Steve has a reassuring presence, something you don’t think you’ve ever even realized until now. Warmth radiates off of his body and his eyes give everything he feels away. Steve is a good apple. At least that’s what your grandmother would say if she had met him.

“This is me.” Steve says softly as he slows to a stop outside the corporate building. If you look around you’ll notice every building near by looks almost exactly the same. “Thanks for walking with me.” He says softly with a nervous smile.

You smile back. “Thanks for buying me coffee.” You hold it up towards him as if to show him. “And for letting me tag along.”

Steve shakes his head. You’re sure he has to get back to work soon, you know their days are usually full and small breaks like this were just that - small. “You don’t have to thank me. I… I like hanging out with you. You’re cool.” He scrunches his nose up when he realizes what he’s just said but you giggle.

“Cool?” You ask with a teasing smile. Steve looks down at his feet with red dusting his cheeks. “I think you’re cool too.” The words are soft as you nudge his boot clad foot with yours.

Steve looks up with bright eyes. “Yeah?” You nod and he smiles to himself. “We should… We should hang out more.” He suggests hesitantly.

Your eyes widen as you look at him. Steve looks about two seconds away from being sick with nerves and it’s sweet. Completely and utterly tooth rottingly sweet that someone is this nervous around you. Your heart picks up at him wanting to hang out more.

“Like dates?” You question quietly. Steve turns a bright shade of right and you’re reminded of Bucky blurting his secret out weeks ago. “I would like that.” You don’t give him a chance to respond to your first question.

He smiles so bright that you’re blinded by it. “Yeah?” You nod with a small smile. “Yeah. Now go back to work!” You shove his shoulder lightly which makes him laugh. “You have my number.”

He’s nodding happily as he backs away. “I do! I’ll text you?”

“Please!” You laugh as he pushes through the glass doors backwards, almost running over a women. He smiles awkwardly at her before facing you once again. You wave as he disappears into the crowd of people. 

When he’s out of sight you let out a sigh. He was kind and incredibly endearing. Steve was a man every woman would be lucky to date. Why did you feel so guilty for flirting then? 

You know why. 

You ignore it.

》

Bucky watches with pursed lips from his spot by the front desk as you and Steve chat outside. He tries his best to read lips, but your both standing at an angle that makes it near impossible.

“You’re not creepy at all.” The voice makes him jump and he turns to look at Sam, leaning against the opposite side of the reception desk. Martha, the woman who runs the desk, looks between them in amusement. “Steve is some kind of psychic, huh?” He snorts.

Bucky turns his glare onto Sam. “It’s not my fault they’re out there for everyone to see.” He snaps before turning his eyes back on the scene in front of him.

Sam laughs loudly and Bucky watches his Steve embarrasses himself by running into a girl leaving the building. He would feel better about it, if he couldn’t see you smiling brightly at the man.

Bucky loves Steve, but he wants nothing more than to punch him in the face for not staying away from you. Even though Bucky is fully aware you’re both adults with minds of you own, he had never imagined Steve would actually sweep you off your feet.

When Steve makes his way towards Sam and Bucky, Sam has got a cheesy smile on his face and Bucky can do nothing but glare. “Got myself a date, boys.” He smacks a hand against Bucky’s back.

“It’s like… She was run right into my arms.” He smirks before making his way towards the elevator. Sam follows behind Steve with another loud laugh.

Bucky is left standing in the lobby alone. He watches your form retreat across the street and sighs. He had made a mess of things, huh?

》

You can’t get the dress to zip up all the way. You’ve tried a multitude of angles, from pulling the dress up and trying to reach it over your shoulder to almost breaking your arm at an awkward angle.

You sigh in defeat as you stand in front of your mirror. You can hear Bucky in his room across the hall, music playing a little too loud and his footsteps around the room. He’s got his cleaning playlist on, it forces a small smile to appear on your face.

You suck in a deep breath. Roommates helped each other with zippers. It was normal, Bucky could help you with a zipper.

“Bucky.” You knock softly on his door. There’s no answer, he probably can’t hear anything over the music. You knock harder. “Bucky?” The music stops and you suck in a nervous breath.

His door flies open and his eyes widen when he sees you standing in the half zipped dress. His eyes narrow. “What’s up?”

Your fingers fidget in front of your stomach as you look at him nervously. “Can you… Can you help me zip the rest of the way? I just can’t get it.” You admit sheepishly.

Bucky nods. “Turn around.” He orders softly and you do as he says. His fingers find the zipper stuck halfway up your back and your breath hitches. You think you hear his do the same as he begins to pull it up slowly.

It’s a tense silence as his hands rest on your back for a second too long. When he drops them back to his side, you turn to look at him. He shuts his eyes tightly and sighs. “Listen. About what happened-“

There’s a knock at your door that makes you step away. You look at Bucky apologetically. “I’m sorry. I’ve got to go.” You take a few stumbling steps away.

You feel his eyes on you as you move through the apartment and collect your purse and jacket. When you open the door, Steve is standing there with flowers and it makes you pause.

Bucky’s bedroom door slams shut when you pull the flowers into your own hand. His music starts playing again as you get them into water. You and Steve smile awkwardly at each other.

When Steve’s hand lands on your lower back to guide you out of the building, all you can think is Bucky’s hands there earlier, warmer and somehow softer, you try to ignore how wrong it feels.

You were moving on. It would get better.

》•

Bucky’s pathetic. That much he knows. Four drinks in and he’s missing you desperately. All he can think about is Steve’s hand on your back and how you look in that red dress.

Did you know it was Steve’s favorite color? Is that why you had worn it? He had seen the black lace of your bra underneath when zipping the dress for you, had you worn that on purpose too? 

He feels like he’s hit rock bottom. Like it can’t get worse than this. His best friend on a date with his other best friend who he wasn’t talking to anymore because he wanted a friends with benefits thing. 

I had other friends, he thinks. Friends who I could stand to lose. Why did I want her? Why did I do that?

Annoyingly enough, Steve’s voice is what answers him. You’re in love with her. The words make Bucky jolt up in his seat because, well, he’s never thought that before. He’s always known he loved you in a platonic sense and that he cared for you deeply, but being in love with you?

That can’t be it. Bucky didn’t really do being in love. He’s seen what that does to people. He saw what it did to his mother, heartbroken and left with two kids to raise on her own. He’s seen what heartbreak has done to Becca, who used to lock herself away in her room and spend hours crying over boys who weren’t worth it.

He snorts to himself, taking another sip of his drink. They say you can only go up from from rock bottom. Bucky thinks he’s got some kind of special ability to go lower though as he stares at his phone. 

He wants to text you and beg you to come home. He calls his mom instead. “Ma?” He asks quietly when she picks the phone up. “It’s Bucky.”

“I have caller ID. I know.” She lets out a laugh. “What’s up? You sound upset, my love.” She asks gently.

“I fucked up, Ma.” Bucky admits after a moment of silence. “I…” 

“What’s wrong? What happened?” She sounds panicked and Bucky immediately feels bad for worrying her. 

“No I mean, like, with Y/N. I fucked up with her.” He explains. His mother inhales sharply at the sound of his best friends name.

“What happened?” She asks softly, almost knowingly.

“We… I… I’m not meant for relationships? You know? Love? It always ends bad so I told her we could just be friends with some benefits.” He feels a little embarrassed sharing this with his mother, but he doesn’t have anybody else to turn to. “And I fucked it up. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.” Bucky can admit that he blurred the lines. That he didn’t treat you like just a friend, but when had he ever? You’d always been a little closer than normal friends. 

“Oh Bucky.” His mother murmurs, her tone isn’t disappointed, just sad. “I’m so sorry your father did this to you.” Bucky rubs a hand over his face. “Ma-“ 

“-No, Bucky. I’m sorry you didn’t get to see the value of romantic love. Of love that keeps you warm and love that makes your heart race.” She says quietly. 

“It always ends in heartbreak. I don’t need it.” He says defensively. It’s silent, Bucky listens to his mom breathe before finally whispering, “What if I’m like him? What if I ruin her life?” 

“Oh sweetheart, you’re nothing like him.” Her voice cracks. “You’re good. You’re a good man. You’re empathetic. You care deeply. You don’t have to be afraid of ending up like him, you’ve already proven you won’t.” 

“Doesn’t feel like that.” Bucky lets out a short laugh. “Feels like I already am.” 

“James Buchanan Barnes. I am not going to sit here and listen to you talk about yourself like this. You’re not like him because you see what you’ve done wrong. Because you feel remorse.” She says heatedly. “Your father never felt bad for what he did or who he hurt, that’s what makes you different. That’s what makes you better.” 

Bucky wipes hastily at the tears that he hadn’t realized were falling down his cheeks until now. Has he always been this much of a light weight? Full of emotion and regrets that are only amplified by his drunkenness. 

“I love that girl like she’s my own.” His mother’s voice brings him back. “So, what are you gonna do to fix this? I already bought her Christmas present.” 

Bucky laughs. His chest feels a little lighter. “Leave her alone.” He answers genuinely. He can almost see his mother’s mouth open in protest. “She’s on a date with Steve. I can’t ruin that for either of them.” 

There’s a sigh on the other end of the line. “You’re a good man, Bucky. Every good man makes mistakes. It’ll all work out.” She says vehemently. 

“I love you, ma. Thank you.” Bucky looks at the bottle in front of him. “I love you too. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” She asks gently. “Okay.” He nods as she hangs up. 

Her words help, but he’s still filled with guilt as he thinks of you. He had never wanted things to become this messed up with you. The last thing he wanted was for you to hate him.

Then why’d you do it? Bucky pulls at his hair. Since when was his subconscious so annoying? Was it the drinks? It’s your voice next. I mean nothing to you? 

“No. Shut up.” Bucky says to himself before standing up, his knee knocking against the coffee table painfully. He groans, but doesn’t stop moving. He feels like he’s going to be sick. He is going to be sick, he realizes as he forces the bathroom door open. 

He throws up. He’s not sure if it’s from the drinks or this overwhelming feeling of pure angst in his chest. A feeling that makes his lungs constrict and his heart ache.

He briefly wonders if this is heartbreak. And if it was, did that mean Steve was right? Bucky loved you?

He makes it back to the couch and starts a random movie in an attempt to stay up and wait for you. To talk or something. He was so, so sick of not talking to you.

But he falls asleep less than fifteen minutes later and he doesn’t hear you step into the apartment.

》•

“I had a really nice time tonight.” You say quietly. It’s almost midnight and you’re sure your neighbors wouldn’t appreciate you waking them up. “Thank you for taking me out.”

Steve stuffs his hands into his jacket pocket and gives you a grin. “Thanks for letting me take you out.”The two of you look at each other before breaking eye contact with awkward laughs. “We should do this again.”

You nod. “We should!” You lean up and press a kiss to his cheek before turning towards your door. “I’ll see you later, Steve.” You say softly before pushing the door open.

Steve gives you a short wave with a happy smile. “See you.” He begins to back away, down the hallway. “I’ll just.” He jabs a thumb over his shoulder before spinning around to walk straight.

You laugh silently to yourself as you finally step into your apartment and shut the door behind you. With your eyes shut tightly, you lean your back against the door and let out a sigh.

Your silence is disturbed by a groan and your eyes shoot open. Bucky’s laying on the couch, one arm hanging off and a bottle of whiskey sitting almost completely empty in front of him.

“Oh, Bucky.” You let out a sad sigh as you drop your purse and keys on the entryway table. His eyes are squeezed shut, you can tell he’s in a deep sleep.

When you stand in front of him, you push the stray hairs that are stuck to his sweaty forehead back. He’s flushed and you don’t know exactly how much he’s had to drink, but he was definitely drunk. You allow your nails to trace over his cheekbones and jawline in admiration.

You move away, suddenly aware of what you’re actually doing. You move quickly, picking up the empty glass and whiskey bottle and moving towards the kitchen. You leave the glass in the sink and stuff the bottle back into your drinks cabinet.

You think of just going back to your room, but you know you can’t leave Bucky shivering on the couch. You grab a clean glass and fill it with water before placing it on the coffee table in front of you. You pull out your travel Advil from your purse and sit it next to glass. His favorite blanket is draped over the back your lounge chair. You pull it off and drape it over him gently. Bucky snuffles then turns so his face is pressed into the couch.

You look down at Bucky again before leaving him in the room.

》

It’s like there’s a shift between you and Bucky after your date with Steve. You’re kinder and you seem to be more open with him again, while all Bucky wants to do is hide away in his room.

Every time you sit across from him in the living room or join him for dinner, he feels panic rise in him like vile and he ends up sitting tensely beside you.

Because you’re figuring your shit out. You want to be friends with Bucky again while Steve takes you out every weekend. It’s perfect. Going swimmingly, really.

Except, Bucky is falling apart. Every time you go out with Steve he makes himself sick thinking about what you’re doing. He’s stuck in this constant cycle of why does it hurt so much and you love her you love her you love her.

He just wants to scream so what? Even if he did love you, what did it matter? It’s not like it would change anything. You had never told him you loved him, you had only been angry because he had given you mixed signals. Now, you had moved on to someone easy, someone without commitment fears and who didn’t give you mixed signals.

So, even if he did love you, why would he say anything. Why would he ruin something good for you? He wanted to prove his mother right. He was better than his father, and he wouldn’t ruin something good for you. Not when he was the one who had driven you away. Sick sense of irony, the way this worked out.

》

You’re trying. You can tell Bucky is too. As you come further out of your shell again, he sticks to staunch boundaries and has ceased all of his old affectionate gestures. You know it makes sense and it’s for the best. Even if it does nothing but remind you of what you had grown used to with him before all this.

Besides, you couldn’t blame Bucky for not feeling the same way you did. Not when you had agreed to just benefits and not when you had never told him the truth. 

And Steve was sweet. Steve was gentle and kind and kissed you like you mattered. He held your hand in public and introduced you as his date when you ran into people he knew.

He was good. You cared for him, a lot, and you were desperate for it to work out. For it to work out with Steve and for it to work out with Bucky.

That’s how this night started. These thoughts and a plan. A stupid fucking plan for moving on. Drinks with everyone. Wanda, Vision, Sam, Steve… Bucky.

Bucky who was talking to a redhead at the bar. Bucky who you couldn’t stop staring at as he smiled and charmed her. Your fist tightened around your glass as you watch her nails inch towards his hand.

“Another round of drinks?” Sam’s voice pulls you from your stare. You shake your head to yourself and glance around table. Everybody’s glasses are empty except yours. “I’ll go!” You offer as you drain the last of your drink quickly.

You stand up before anybody at the table can question it. “I can help you.” Steve goes to stand, but you place a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Bucky’s up there. I’m sure he’ll help!” You give him a big smile, one that he answers with furrowed eyebrows. You don’t think much of it as you spin on your heel and make a beeline for the bar.

You don’t see the look Wanda shoots you or the glance Sam and Steve share. You stop right behind Bucky and lean on the counter as you order then you tap him on his shoulder.

He spins quickly. “What’s up? Everyone okay?” He asks, his eyes shifting between you and the table of your friends.

“Yeah!” You give him a small smile. “I was sent for drinks and I didn’t realize how many there were. Think you could help?”

He glances between you and the redhead, who’s giving you a kind smile as she waits. You smile in return before looking up at Bucky again. “Please?” You tack on with a pout.

Bucky laughs. “Yeah. Whatever.” He looks down at the woman again. “You wanna join us? Promise everyone is super cool.”

Your eyes widen as the drinks are placed in front of you. She wasn’t supposed to come. This was supposed to… You pause.

This was supposed to get him away from her. Back to your side.

“Yeah!” You give her a fake smile. “You should join us, we could always use more girls.” You chuckle as you lift three glasses.

Bucky grabs the other three before looking at the woman in question. She shrugs before grabbing her own glass to follow after you two.

You hand out the glasses before taking your seat beside Steve again. He arm comes up to rest behind your chair and you can’t shake the urge to push it off.

“Guys, this is Natasha.” Bucky gestures to the woman besides him before pulling a chair out for her. “Natasha. Wanda, Vision, Steve, Sam.” He points everyone out before finishing off with you. She smiles politely at all of you. You grind your teeth as he sits beside her.

The group seems to take a liking to her right away. She laughs at Sam’s jokes and compliments Wanda’s engagement ring. You’re burning with jealously as Bucky flirts in front of all of you.

It’s wholly irrational, a sober you would know that this jealously doesn’t really make sense. Three mixed drinks in though and it feels like Bucky is doing this to hurt you.

It feels like he’s showing you what he could never do with you. He never flirted with you in front of your friends or allowed his hand to inch towards yours on the table in front of them.

Bucky was secretly affectionate with you. It was tangled feet on Sunday mornings and cuddling Saturday nights. Sex in the middle of night and… heartbreak the next morning.

So his drifting hand and charming smile directed towards Natasha is suffocating you with insecurity. What did she have?

“I’m going home.” You stand abruptly when Bucky leans towards her with a laugh. Your shaky on your feet and Steve reaches a hand out to stabilize you. Everyone looks at you with confusion. “I… I don’t feel good.”

“I’ll walk you home.” Steve stands immediately.

You shake your head. “No!” When he freezes and looks at you with hurt eyes you smile tightly. “I mean, I’m going to take a Lyft. You stay here, have fun.”

“At least let me wait with you. So you’re not in the cold alone.” He insists and you nod slowly.

You really want to be alone, to wallow in this feeling, but Steve was nice and of course he wouldn’t let you go alone.

You watch Bucky for a moment, like you expect him to say something, to offer to come with you. Like he always did, but his attention shifts back to Natasha as Steve’s arm wraps around your waist.

It’s silent as he guides you out of the bar and tense as you order the Lyft. “Fifteen minutes.” You say softly.

Steve nods and looks around the almost empty street. You open your mouth to break the awkward silence, but he beats you to it.

“What happened between you and Bucky?” He asks quietly, his hands stuffed into his jacket pocket, and his teeth gnawing on his bottom lip.

You swallow thickly. “He didn’t tell you?” You ask instead of answering the question.

“He told me you guys had a friends with benefits thing going on. Then he told me you didn’t.” He doesn’t look angry, just sad as he stares down at you. “You know Bucky, he doesn’t share a lot.”

You look down at the sidewalk, your heel scuffing against it nervously. “I don’t know. I read things wrong, I guess. I… I thought we had a chance?” Your tone is questioning and you let out a laugh in a self-deprecating manner.

“You still love him?” You eyes shoot up to meet Steve’s. You open your mouth to say something, anything, to turn this conversation around but the door opening takes your attention off of the conversation.

It’s Bucky and Natasha, laughing softly with one another. You turn away quickly and feel the vomit rise in your throat. “I’m gonna be sick.” You murmur before throwing up all over Steve’s shoes. He grimaces and takes a step back as the couple turns around at the sound of you.

Bucky calls out your name. You can’t look up, instead you drop to the ground and sit on the sidewalk ledge.“Are you okay?” Bucky kneels down beside you as you cough.

“I’m fine. You can go. Go.” You urge, unable to look up at him. Bucky doesn’t budge though, his hand coming up to push back the hairs stuck to your forehead. “Bucky. Please.” You groan.

“I’ll walk her home.” Bucky says to Steve, ignoring your pleas. “The air will do her some good and the car moving will only make her feel worse.”

Steve looks between you two hesitantly. “I don’t know, I can take her.” You still feel nauseous, especially at the idea of Steve who you’re pretty sure just broke up with you wanting to keep you away from Bucky for your comfort.

When you look up, Natasha is standing behind Bucky with worried eyes. You feel tears gather in the corner of your eyes as they move to Bucky. He smiles gently, his hand still resting against your cheek. “Let me walk you home, sweets.”

The nickname makes your heart soar. Months of nothing but your first name and you feel like you’re floating at the sound of it. “Okay.” You nod, your hand coming up to rest on his. “Okay.” You pull out your phone to cancel the Lyft.

He helps you stand. “I’ll see you.” He says apologetically to Natasha. She doesn’t look upset, in fact she smiles at him like she knows something you two don’t. “I’ll let you know when we get home.” He says to Steve, who nods before following Natasha inside.

You feel flushed and hot all over. A horrible mixture of drinks, jealously and nausea settling in your stomach. It makes you horribly dizzy and you’re forced to lean against Bucky heavily for support.

“One step at a time, sweets.” Bucky says softly, his metal arm wrapped tightly around your waist.

》

“Almost there.” Bucky exhales a deep breath as he all but carries you towards the couch. He’d given up on getting you down the hall, you had pretty much become dead weight and getting you down the hall to the apartment had taken a lot out of Bucky. “Few more steps, sweets.”

Bucky’s cheeks are red and his entire body is warm. It’s been so long since he’s been this close to you and he can’t help but feel his heart grow as you latch onto him.

“Easy. Easy.” He murmurs as he sits you down gently on the couch. You mumble incoherently as you head lands on the back of the couch.

He pulls away from you and pulls his phone out. Sorry to leave you, maybe we can catch up another time?

Maybe. As friends, of course.

Bucky glances at you before looking back down at his phone, he begins to type but another message pops up quickly.

I saw the way you looked at her, I don’t think you’re looking for a girlfriend! It’s okay :)

Bucky leaves the phone sitting on the coffee table as he focuses his attention back on you. You open your eyes and look at him sadly. “What’s wrong with me?” You ask quietly.

“Nothing.” Bucky responds immediately, his hand reaching out for your cheek. The moan of relief you let out at the coolness of his metal appendage goes straight through Bucky. “Nothing is wrong with you.” He forces his voice to stay steady.

He takes a seat next to you on the couch and drops his hand back to his lap. While you stare at the carpeted floor, Bucky’s eyes trail over you. He takes in the skin tight pants and soft sweater. The way your legs look makes him swallow thickly. You were beautiful and Bucky loved you. 

The thought makes him pause, but it doesn’t scare him nearly as much as he thought it would. He did. He loved you. He knew looking at you now that the months of questioning it and then trying to make himself believe it was just as a friend as you dated Steve, was all in vain. He loved you. Maybe he had loved this whole time. 

You look up at him suddenly, like you can hear his thoughts, and Bucky is frozen in his spot. You move towards him slowly and he can’t do anything but watch. 

You crawl into his lap and Bucky’s hands immediately rest on your waist to hold you steady. “What… What’re doing?” He can’t hide the shock in his tone. He has to hold back a moan as your hands come up to run through his hair. You left yanks gently at the hair on the back of his head to force him to look up at you and Bucky is unable to stop the moan from slipping out then.

You smile down at him cheekily. “Want you to fuck me.” Your already slurred words are murmured, so Bucky almost doesn’t understand you. “It’s been so long, Buck.” You grind down and he chokes on his own spit, not expecting his night to end like this.

“You gotta stop, sweets.” His grip on you waist tightens in an attempt to halt your movements. “You’re drunk. You don’t know what you’re doing.” He says, looking back up at you. 

Your hands rest on his shoulders and you shake your head. “I know I hated seeing you with her. I hate not having you. Please, I miss you.” You whisper pleadingly.

The words pain Bucky. “I miss you too, but you don’t want this.” He gently pushes you off of his lap and back onto the couch cushions beside him.

Your head falls to your hands while your elbows rest against your legs. “Why don’t you want me?” You look back up at him with wet eyes. Bucky freezes. Is that what you thought? That he didn’t want you? 

“Sweetheart, you have no idea how much I want you.” He admits, reaching out to pull your hands away from your face completely. You shake your head and pull yourself away from him. 

“If you wanted me you wouldn’t have flirted with her all night. In front of me. In front of our friends.” Bucky looks at you with wide eyes. How could you be upset with him over that when you had gone with Steve? When you had been dating Steve? 

“You’re with Steve.” He reminds you. “Am I supposed to not flirt with other people? You told me we were just roommates. We’re barely even friends!” He exclaims. 

“No! I told you that because you hurt me.” You wipe tears off of your cheeks. “You… You made me feel like I was something to you then told me I was just a fuck. I was hurt.” You explain. “God, you- I loved you so much and you just - just-“ 

“You love me?” Bucky cuts you off. He knows you’re drunk, but the words make his heart race. He feels his eyes soften as he stares at your form. 

The tears gathered in your eyes begin to fall down your cheeks as you shake your head hastily. “Loved you. I loved you. But you didn’t love me, so I moved on.”

Bucky didn’t know it was possible to physically feel your heart break, but here he was, his heart cracking painfully as you look away from him.

“I’m so tired.” You whisper. “Why could you flirt with her in front of all our friends? Why… Why was I a dirty secret?”

Bucky doesn’t know what to say to you. Doesn’t know how to explain to you that he wasn’t afraid of losing her the way he was you. He didn’t know her at all, he certainly didn’t know her the way he knew you.

“We should get you to bed.” Bucky stands abruptly. His hands come down to hold your arms gently as he helps you stand. “We can talk in the morning.”

You allow him to pull you up, it looks like you’ve given up on furthering the conversation. Bucky picks you up bridal style to carry you down the hall.

Your arms rest loosely around his neck. “Steve broke up with me.” You say as Bucky drops you onto your mattress. “He knows about us. He doesn’t want someone who… who…” You trail off before falling into a fit coughs.

“We’ll talk in the morning.” Bucky says softly, his fingers trailing over your cheeks. “I promise, sweetheart.” You already have a water bottle on your nightstand, so Bucky searches your vanity for Advil.

He leaves two pills beside the bottle. You’re already dozing off, your eyes fluttering shut, so Bucky leans down to press a kiss to your forehead. When he goes to pull back, your hand shoots out and wraps around his wrist. “Stay. Please.” You whisper.

Bucky hesitates for a second before nodding and sitting beside you on the bed as he pulls his shoes off. His heart races as he moves to lay beside you and he feels flushed as you curl into his side.

He allows himself to relax with you in his arms. It had been so long since you’ve been beside him like this and Bucky lets himself feel love as you do. 

Is this what he had been afraid of the entire time? 

》

You wake up hot, nauseous and with a pounding headache.

And something wrapped tightly around you. When you open your eyes fully, the first thing you see is a metal arm wrapped tightly around your waist. You groan when your eyes trail up and the sunlight streaming in from your window hits you.

A deeper groan is returned and it makes you freeze. You rack your brain for what happened last night, but all you could remember was getting sick outside the bar and Bucky taking you home. Had you said something? Had he?

You turn over in his arms and look up at him. His eyes are still closed and he’s letting out steady, soft breaths.

“Bucky.” You whisper, your hand coming up to rest against his chest. “Bucky, wake up.” You say a little louder.

His eyes snap open and immediately he pulls away from you. “Shit. Sorry. I’m sorry. You… You…” He sots up and rubs a hand over his face.

“I don’t… What happened? I just remember you walking me home.” You sit up slowly. You’re still wearing your leggings and the sweater from last night. You groan. “I’m sorry I took you away from…” He shakes his head. 

“It’s okay. I offered. You asked me to stay when I got you into bed, I’m sorry if you’re uncomfortable.” His apology is sincere and you suck in a deep breath.

“It’s okay. I don’t… You know I don’t mind falling asleep with you.” Neither of you move or say anything, just sit on opposite sides of your bed in awkward silence. “I-“

“I love you.” Bucky blurts effectively cutting you off. Your eyes widen and your pulse quickens as you stare at him. You had not been expecting that. “And… I’m sorry it took all of this. Not being friends, Steve, drinks, for me to realize, but I do. I think I’ve always loved you, I just… I didn’t know it.”

You shake your head as you try to process what he’s saying. “I don’t… I don’t understand. Where is this coming from?”

“I… Seeing you with Steve. I didn’t… It killed me inside.” Bucky admits.

“And you think that means you love me?” You spit out. “You said it yourself, Bucky Barnes doesn’t do relationships.” You shake your head. “You’re just jealous because you don’t have my attention anymore.”

“That’s not true.” Bucky says adamantly. He turns his body on the bed so it’s facing you. “It made me realize I love you. It made me realize my favorite time of the day is when I get to spend time with you. That our Sundays spent reading and Saturdays watching Law and Order were always better than bars or parties because I was with you. I… I want to do the relationship things with you. Holding hands, just sleeping together. Telling people you’re my girlfriend.”

You stare at him tearfully. “How do you know it’s love? That you didn’t just miss me?”

“I know what it’s like to miss you. This feeling? This warmth in my chest when you’re around and the ache there when you’re gone? That’s not missing you. I...” He pauses. “I love you. And It’s okay if you don’t feel the same anymore-“

“-Anymore?” You question. Your eyes squeeze shut as you headache gets worse. “Bucky, what-“

“You told me you loved me last night. You were drunk, I know, but-“

“Fuck.” You laugh to yourself as you take in everything he has said. Pieces of last night come flashing back to your mind. Crawling into Bucky’s lap, crying, admitting you had loved him. “Oh God.” You groan, rubbing your hands over your face.

“Bucky you don’t have to-“ You shake your head. “You don’t have to try and make this something it isn’t because you feel bad.”

“I’m not.” Bucky reaches a hand out to rest on your back. “What can I do to make you believe me?”

You look over at him. “Prove it.”

》

Steve meets him for coffee later that morning. You’re out with Wanda for Sunday brunch and Bucky is on his final stop of his apology tour. 

“Hey.” Steve looks up from his phone and smiles at Bucky. “Can I sit?” Bucky motions to the chair across from him and Steve nods.

Steve pushes a black coffee over to Bucky, whose nose scrunches up at the scent. Fair, Bucky thinks. “What’s up?” Steve asks quietly. “You missed our run this morning.”

Bucky looks down at the table. “I had some stuff to deal with. You know with-“ Bucky cuts himself when Steve nods. “Listen, I wanted to say I’m sorry. Shit was never supposed to get this messed up.”

Steve shrugs. “You tell her?” He gives Bucky a knowing smile. “That you love her?”

Bucky gives him a small smile in return. “I did. Yeah.” He taps his fingers against the table. “She’s got some, uh, trust issues with me. But it makes sense. We’re gonna take it slow.”

“I’m happy for you, Buck.” Steve admits after taking a sip of his drink. “I was never mad or angry with you. I always knew she still cared for you and I think I always knew it would never be anything serious.”

Bucky nods. “Thanks, Steve.” He looks down at his coffee with an appreciative smile.

“Besides,” Steve smirks, “Natasha is super cool. We exchanged numbers last night after she asked about what was going on between you two.”

》

Bucky invites you to spend Christmas with his family. You don’t even have to think about it before you say yes. Christmases with his family were always full of warmth and love; You absolutely loved it. 

You’re more excited to be here this year too, to celebrate with him in this way. As his girlfriend, you had heard him tell Rebecca over the phone when informing her of his plans to drive up to see them Christmas Eve. 

You had the perfect gift for him too, well, you have a few gifts for him. Most of them could wait for Christmas with his mom and sister, but there were two you were just desperate to see his reaction to.  

That’s why you slip out of his room in the early hours of the morning when the sky is still dark and everybody is asleep. 

That’s how Bucky wakes up, a small, wrapped box sitting on the nightstand and you nowhere to be found. Bucky eyes the box warily before looking around the rest of his bedroom. Your suitcase is unzipped and he can tell it’s be riffled through before being shoved back into the corner os his room.

His door is pushed open quietly. “Why are you up?” His voice makes you jump and spin so your back slams against the door. Bucky has to bite back a laugh as you take a couple deep, calming breaths. 

“I...I was going to wake you up.” You tip toe across the room and crawl into bed beside Bucky. You suck in a deep, nervous breath. While you and Bucky had been dating for the past few weeks, you had also been taking it slow. “For gifts.” 

Bucky’s eyebrows furrow as he sits up a little straighter in bed. “Gifts? It’s five in the morning, I promise Becca and my mom are in such deep sleep we couldn’t wake them if we tried.”

Kind of what I’m banking on, you think. “No. I mean.. Our gifts, for each other.” You explain in a soft voice, before reaching over to pick up the small box you had left sitting on the nightstand. “I didn’t want to give you this in front of your family and I don’t think I can wait.” You admit a little sheepishly. 

Bucky looks down at the box with a soft smile. “Just let me get one of your gifts.” He sits it down on the comforter before crawling out of the bed and moving to his suitcase. He picks up a small box, wrapped in the same gift paper his is because he had stolen your roll, and smiles up at you.

He hands it over and the two of you just stare at each other with bright, happy smiles before tearing into the wrapping paper at the same time. Your mouth drops open in shock when you open the box.

A bracelet is staring back at you. A silver band filled with charms that make you smile as you run your fingertips over each one. Your alma mater’s mascot. The Brooklyn Bridge. A bottle of wine. “Buck...” You trail off in awe. “This is beautiful.”

“Sweets.” He says the nickname gently and you look up to watch him pull the watch out of the box with a small smile. “This is...” He flips it over in his hand and his eyes widen when he notices the engraving on the back.

the best lovers start as friends.

“I love you.” He runs a finger of the engraved metal as you whisper softly, “I... I’ve loved you for so long, Buck, and having your love in return is unlike anything I could have imagined.” 

Bucky drops the watch on the bed between you as he reaches across to pull you into a bruising kiss. You drop your own gift onto the bed and reach up to rest a hand on his chest. 

“I love you.” Bucky pulls away to whisper the words. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” He punctuates each sentence with a kiss to your skin. You giggle softly as he moves towards you and his hand settles on your waist. 

“I have something else for you.” You pull away to remove the bracelet and watch from the bed. Bucky watches as you move so you’re on your knees with intrigued eyes. You smile coyly as you move to pull his shirt over your head. 

Bucky lets out a low moan as his eyes trail over your body, covered in dark green lace. “What’s this?” His fingers come up to trace over the lace and leave goosebumps in their wake. 

“Your second gift.” You murmur breathlessly as he fingers drift lower and lower. Bucky smirks as he leans towards you and presses a kiss to your neck, then across your collar bone until he’s trailing kisses down the valley of your breasts. 

He pulls away after a moment and looks up at you questioningly. “Are you sure?” 

You smile down at him and wrap your arms around his shoulders. “I wouldn’t have dropped this much money on lingerie if I wasn’t sure.” His arms wrap tightly around your waist as he pulls your body flush against his. 

“What did I do to deserve a gift like this?” He looks up at you with a bright smile. You run a hand through his hair. “Love me.” You answer genuinely. Red dusts Bucky’s cheeks at your words as you lean in to kiss him. 

You shift so you’re straddling Bucky’s lap. “Gonna fuck me?” You murmur in question against his lips. Bucky moans against you and his hips buck up involuntarily. His hand drops from your waist to your thigh and he trails his fingertips up. 

“You look so pretty, sweets.” He smirks up at you as his hand pushes the lace aside. He runs the tip of his index finger over your wet folds and you push down already wanting more from him. “Patience, sweetheart. Let me take you in. I wanna enjoy my gift.”

You moan as he begins to rub slowly against your clit. “Want you to ride my thigh first, sweets.” Bucky shifts you so your legs are straddled over his left thigh.

You moan as your clit rubs against his thigh. You pull at the waist band and his sweatpants and he helps you pull them off of his legs before situating your body back over him. “Fuck.” You let out a deep sigh as his hands land on your hips.

His eyes are dark and pupils blown as he stares at you above him. Bucky’s already hard, you can see his dick straining against his briefs. He doesn’t do more than lightly guide you by the hands on your hips, but his eyes watching you intently as you moan is enough to make your stomach twist in pleasure.

“Fuck, James.” He groans as his first name tumbles out of your mouth in a breathy moan. “You look so pretty on my thigh, sweetheart. I love watching you.”

He leans forward then, to press kisses across your breasts as you move back and forth against him. “Feels so good.” One of your hands twists in his hair and Bucky moans against your skin.

You move faster against him as you feel yourself get wetter. You moan his name like a mantra as Bucky’s hands grip you tighter and tighter.

Bucky’s hands force you to a stop. You whine at the lost of pleasure, but it’s not long before Bucky has you flipped so you’re laying on your back beneath him.

“Gonna fuck you, is that okay sweets?” He leans back to pull his shirt off and you nod hastily as your hands come up to pull at his briefs. It’s not long before you’re bare underneath him, the lace garments discarded to the floor of his bedroom.

“Gotta be quiet.” He runs his tip over you folds in a teasing manner that almost makes you moan out. Instinctively, your hips buck up with a quiet whine. His hand comes up to cover your mouth. “Don’t want Becca to hear. She’s just down the hall, sweets.”

It’s a warning and it makes heat spread through you. You’re not sure if it’s the idea that you could get caught in his childhood bedroom or the way Bucky’s voice deepens, but it makes you tired of waiting. “Please.” Your beg is muffled by his hand, but he hears it. He doesn’t wait any longer, he pushes himself all the way in and you both let out relieved moans at the feeling. “Fuck. Fuck. You always feel so good, baby.” 

Your back arches into his body as he begins fucking you at a slow pace. When he seems satisfied that you won’t make too much noise, his hand moves from your mouth he rests his forearm on the pillow beside your head. “James.” It’s a whispered moan that makes his hips stutter. “Faster. Please. I’ll be quiet.” You promise, your legs wrapping around him. Bucky leans down to press a bruising kiss to your lips as he fucks into you faster. You moan into his mouth as pleasure rushes through you. 

There’s something extremely intimate about the way he fucks into you, one hand holding onto your hip and another resting beside your head. It’s love, you realize when he pulls back to look at you with soft eyes. It does something to you, makes want rush through your veins and pulls the air from your lungs. “I love you.” You whisper into the space between you two, Bucky still pushing in and out of you. 

“I love you.” His eyes slide shut and his head falls to nuzzle into your neck. “You look at me like that again I’m not gonna last, sweets.” He press a gentle kiss to your neck before beginning to suck harshly. You’re sure there will be a mark there tomorrow that you’ll never live down, but you can’t bring yourself to care when his tongue runs over the mark and your stomach clenches in excitement. 

“Fuck. I’m so close, Bucky, please. I- I need-“ His hand is reaching between your bodies before you can spit the sentence out. His finger rubs against your clit as he quickens his pace. “Yes. Yes.” You moan, and you can immediately tell it’s too loud when Bucky freezes. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” You mutter, so close and desperate for him to resume his pace. 

“I know, I’m close too, but we can’t wake the house up.” You throw your head back and bite down hard enough to draw blood when he resumes his movements. He’s rubbing at your already sensitive clit and fucking you quickly, it’s all too much as your stomach tightens in pleasure. “Yeah. I can feel you, baby. Come for me, please. I need to feel you.” His tone is deep and possessive in your ear. 

When he slams into you hard, your orgasm washes over you. Your mouth opens in a moan that Bucky catches with a messy kiss. You can feel his hips stutter against you as he reaches his own high and releases into you. 

The two of you stay like that for a moment, just breathing with each other. “Merry Christmas.” You laugh softly as Bucky pulls out and moves to grab a towel from his desk chair. 

Bucky smiles as he comes to lay beside you again and wipes gently at your thighs.  He pulls the comforter up so it’s wrapped around both of you again and pulls you so your head rests against his chest. “Merry Christmas.” He whispers in return.

You glance out the window and find that it’s snowing again. You’ll probably be snowed in for the next few days, but you don’t really mind, not with Bucky here and in your arms the way you’ve always wanted. 

》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《

notes // this took weeks to finish and i truly hope whoever reads it through enjoys it! 

my writing is free & will remain free. if you enjoy it and you have the resources, consider donating to my ko-fi :)

[ladyartemesia]

The Luna

◐ PART VII of THE ALPHA ◐

◐ Series Masterlist ◐

◐ Part I ◐ Part II ◐ Part III ◐ Part IV ◐ Part V ◐ Part VI ◐

Pairing: Alpha Werewolf Jimin x Omega Reader

Rating: Hard Mature 18+ (for this installment)

Warnings: this one is a little darker... implied violence, mentions of blood, ABO sexual dynamics including discussion of scenting, marking, mating, and claiming, sexual innuendo, discussion of violence relating to ritual combat, possessive behavior, injuries and discussion of injuries, discussions or ruts, (non-explicit) kidnapping and drugging, its not as bad as it sounds, but it is definitely a bit darker...

Word Count: 4200

Author’s Note: You have no idea what your support has meant to me. After getting the dreaded Covid it was awhile before I had the energy to work on this. Truly your asks and your messages and comments...they made me so happy. You made me believe that people wouldn’t forget about this story. I am so grateful you were able to wait. As always, my angels @ppersonna @xjoonchildx @untaemedqueen and @underthejoon were the best betas and the best friends anyone could ask for. My thanks to ALL of you for helping me bring this story to life! I don’t know what I would do without your daily encouragement and your daily support. You guys are the heartbeat of this story. 

———◐——— 

Fifteen Years Ago...

———◐——— 

“It can’t be-”

“Run for the elders! Quickly! 

“Red smoke rises from the Luna’s hearth!”

The red smoke was invented by the first wolf known to mate a witch. Legend has it that their bond lent him some of her magic and with it he created a mystical powder that unleashed bloody plumes like knife slashes in the clouds. 

It was a distress call. 

A wolf in danger or in need could throw the powder (usually into their fireplace) and the red smoke would rise - drawing others to their aid. 

No fire was needed and the strange shimmering clouds it produced could even be seen on a moonless night. 

“What happened? Where is the Luna?”

The chief elder was still out of breath, having charged over from his chambers to find Isa in hysterics. 

“She’s gone! Something scared her! It triggered a half-shift!”

His eyes widened in fear and alarm. 

“She’s too young to half-shift. The energy it would take-”

Isa broke into sobs again. 

The girl was only five years old. She and her wolf were too volatile to merge safely. The wolf would be frightened - it would run. 

Eventually the child might regain control, but she would have no way of knowing where she was or how she got there… 

And she would be weak. The effects of the shift were too much for a pup that age. 

The chief elder felt true terror grip his heart. 

“Call for the alphas - immediately!”

Although they were technically one of the oldest bloodlines in the village, Park Clan had only five families to its name - all betas. 

Except for one. 

Park Jimin was the first alpha ever born to the Parks and as such he became the head of his family on the day of his birth - officially the youngest clan leader in history. 

When the call for alphas spread through the village, nine year-old Jimin was roused from his bed to serve on behalf of his people. 

Clan alphas were required to report, regardless of their age. 

“I don’t have to tell any of you what is at stake. Our pack has been entrusted with the Luna’s bloodline. Her safety is our sacred commission.”

The woods were no place for a child. If fluctuating temperatures and possible starvation weren’t bad enough, there were wild bears, packless ferals, rogue witches, snakes, and worst of all-

Unblessed wolves—animals without a human heart. They were by far the most pressing danger to the little girl. 

“Surely young Park can remain at home for this,” Jeon Jinseok pressed. The boy was barely older than his grandson, Jungkook, and he was reluctant to endanger another pup needlessly. 

Some quiet murmurs of assent could be heard around the elder’s chambers, however the chief elder himself shook his head sadly. 

“I understand your concern… but the law is the law. Every clan alpha is sworn to such a task. He took an oath after his first transformation-”

“He was seven-”

“An oath is still an oath.”

All eyes turned to the gentle voice in the corner. The Park alpha looked impossibly small and soft. 

But his gaze burned with determination. 

“It is my right and duty to seek the Luna alongside all of you.” His round little jaw clenched stubbornly. “I’m not afraid.”

The sound of bones and sinew shifting filled the air as one by one the clan alphas fell to their wolf forms and took off into the forest. 

Until only a small silver wolf remained. 

The chief elder sighed. 

The boy would not undergo the Change for another six years. The mental link between his wolf and human forms was not yet complete. It was difficult for information to pass from one to the other. 

“You are the wolf force of Park Jimin.”

After a moment the wolf nodded.

“You were called here because the Luna has gone missing and you must find her if you can. Search the woods until your wolf force can endure no longer and then return. If you find the child, bring her home as soon as possible.”

The young wolf nodded again and then disappeared into the night. 

It was cold. 

The last thing you remembered was a loud noise. It was too close - you panicked-

Then there was heat and pain and running and now this-

Darkness and barren trees looming over you as far as your frightened eyes could see. 

“...Hello?”

Your hands were bleeding. Tears began to slide softly down your cheek as your lips trembled. 

“H-Hello?”

Jimin had never been allowed into the forest alone. A myriad of new shapes and odd smells assaulted his senses as he ran. 

He had only seen you a handful of times. 

Bright silver eyes with a smile that could set even the coldest heart into bloom. 

Now you needed him.

And he was going to save you. 

It was not a question or a matter of chance in his mind. He was meant to find you. It was as if a thread from his chest was bound to a thread from yours and his wolf knew to follow it without question or thought for its significance. 

I’m coming, little Luna. Hold on. 

Your nose was not yet fully developed, but the stench creeping through the air toward you was unmistakable. 

Unblessed. 

A soulless wolf. 

The last time you encountered it was after a hunt. Your father killed one who attacked him and he brought it home for you to scent. 

So you could recognize the smell of danger. 

Gradually two shining eyes emerged from the darkness, yet unlike the wolves of your village, these were dark and fathomless-

Hungry. 

You couldn’t tell much about its age or coloring, it was too thin - too dirty, but the bared teeth and steady progress closer signaled its intent clearly. 

“Please,” you whispered, as it crouched back on its hind legs, preparing to strike. 

Tears blurred your vision as you heard it leap forward. 

But the strike never came. 

Another wolf tackled it to the ground before it could reach you. The two of them tangled viciously in the moonlight; a terrifying mass of snarling and claws. 

The smaller fighter was already bleeding, but he clamped down on his opponent’s throat in the first hit and hung on to it even as the animal snapped and scratched brutally at his skin. 

Jimin could feel his strength beginning to fail him. The pain was excruciating, but he had to endure. If he let go, he was lost- 

You were lost.

So he held. 

And at last the soulless wolf collapsed on top of him. 

For a moment, all was quiet. 

Jimin felt the wounds over his hide begin to tug at the edge of his consciousness. Accelerated healing could only do so much... He was hurt badly. 

Then two small hands began to push at the unblessed corpse. Small huffs and heaves poured from you as you worked to free him from beneath his defeated foe. 

“Don’t be afraid, Silver,” you grunted, “Momma says the healing works best if you can get warm.” 

With one final heave you disposed of the beast as best you could, then moved to wrap your body around your injured champion. 

“I can help,” you whispered, letting the tears fall freely. His soft whimpers were the only reply you received as you snuggled in closer, running your hands gently over the soft fur. 

The young wolf’s eyes were already beginning to lose focus. 

“Please goddess,” you begged into the night. “Please save him.”

Then the two of you drifted into a heavy sleep. 

Jimin opened his eyes again just as the dawn broke. 

He was still in wolf form, but the pain of his injuries had lessened considerably. 

Either that or he was becoming numb. 

His eyes dropped to the figure curled up next to him and his heart stirred. You were so pale… and he could feel your small body shivering violently against his chest.

She will not last much longer...

It took nearly everything he had to stand to his feet and nudge you awake. 

“Will you bring me back, Silver?” you asked weakly. 

Jimin nodded and the two of you stumbled forward into the forest, trusting the vague recollections of his wolf instincts to lead you home. 

Isa was beside herself with worry. Wolves came and went throughout the night-

But there was still no sign of you. 

And the odds of a child surviving the woods alone with no heat and no protection were slim at best. 

Her hands shook as she gathered feed for the horses from the storeroom near the back of the house. She willed herself to complete the task - any task - in an effort to busy her mind and perhaps achieve a moment of respite. 

Her hand closed around the back door handle and she started forward - only to nearly lose her balance over something lying on the porch. 

The bucket of feed dropped from her grasp, sending kernels of grain in all directions. 

Two bodies lay in a heap at her feet, clutching one another desperately. The Luna and her silver wolf were covered in matted blood and dirt. 

But they were alive. 

Isa began to scream, drawing out the other two occupants of the house; her husband Roojin and his younger sister, a beta healer named Ryn. 

“Oh my goddess,” Ryn gasped, “that’s the Park alpha! I heard some of the elders saying that he hadn’t checked in last night!”

“Get them inside. If we don’t act quickly we could lose them.”

Roojin tried to lift you away from the wolf, but the action was enough to rouse you and you immediately began to kick and scream frantically. 

“No! I won’t leave him!” you sobbed, wrapping your body even tighter around the injured pup. “Silver, wake up! Please wake up!”

“Baby you need to let him go! We have to treat him!”

But you were frantic, refusing - violently - to be separated from your rescuer. 

Ryn was eventually forced to grab a syringe from her field kit to sedate you. 

Isa carried your limp body to the fireplace and began to peel off your wet clothes while Ryn and Roojin dealt with Jimin’s injuries in the kitchen. Blood dripped over the tabletop and puddled ominously on the floor while they worked. 

“It looks like he was attacked.” Ryn’s eyes began to water. “What a brave little boy.”

“How the hell did he survive this?”

“I don’t know, but without a healing touch he’ll die.” She ripped her gloves off and rolled up her sleeves. “Stand back.”

Twenty minutes later Isa and Roojin caught the young healer as her legs gave out from under her. She had poured the majority of her energy into restoring the young Park alpha - perhaps more than was strictly safe-

But he would survive and that was all that mattered. 

“I must contact the elders,” Isa murmured as she helped Ryn to a seat near the hearth. “In all the chaos I forgot to tell them that we found her.”

Roojin sighed, letting his eyes drift back to the table. 

“That pup brought her back, but I wonder if they’ll even believe it. I wouldn’t - not if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.”

“No...” Ryn whispered from the chair. “You can’t tell them about the boy.”

“Why not? He’s the only reason she’s still alive. He deserves to be recognized.”

“You don’t understand,” she shook her head weakly. “His clan is nothing. They have no power - no other alphas. This will make him a target. The alpha pups will challenge him and the stronger clans will see him as a threat to their influence…”

She pulled herself upright and limped over to the table where the young wolf slept. 

“But he's just a child….and small for his age at that. He has no powerful clansmen to protect him from the ramifications of this.” 

Her hands clenched to fists. 

“When his human form returns, he won’t remember saving the Luna. We’ll take him to his mother’s home at nightfall - make it seem like he wandered back. He may garner some respect for surviving the woods, but then they’ll leave him alone… and he can go on living his life in peace.”

Ryn turned to face them both with a determined expression. 

“We owe him that.”

“Where is the silver wolf? Where have you taken him?”

As soon as the sedative wore off you reached for the boy once again, only to find that he was gone. 

“The silver wolf was hurt very badly, sweetheart. Your aunt carried him away to be treated.”

“I have to go with him! He needs me!”

“No, honey - you can’t-”

Isa pulled you into her arms and you collapsed into helpless sobs. The last twenty-four hours had finally caught up with you. 

You were too weak to fight back. 

“Luna… the silver wolf is in danger. Are you willing to keep him safe?”

You nodded fiercely, letting the flow of your tears soak through your mother’s sleeves. 

“Then you must never tell another soul that the silver wolf saved you. No one can know that he was with you in the forest.”

Your eyes narrowed in confusion. 

“But-”

“You will tell everyone that you found the way back alone. Do not mention the silver wolf.”

Isa lifted your chin till your eyes met hers. 

“Promise me, Luna.”

Your heart squeezed painfully in your chest as you thought of your champion. He had spared you from a gruesome fate and you did not even know his name. 

You wanted so desperately to thank him. 

Last night, you were so cold - so afraid - that you hadn’t said it...

Now you never could. 

So instead you would protect him - no matter what it cost. 

“I promise.”

———◐——— 

Today...

———◐———  

“I don’t like him.”

Jimin tilted his head slightly toward his best friend.

“Who?”

Taehyung took a long sip of water then moved his hand to cover his mouth. To an outside observer he would appear to be wiping excess liquid from his lips. 

“The senior envoy from the Iron Claw pack.” He shook his head. “Something about him is off. He’s ill at ease.”

All the major packs of the mountain nations dispatched representatives to greet and solidify their relations with the new Alpha. 

Any pack who failed to send a proper delegation risked a diplomatic incident. 

The first twenty-four hours held great significance when it came to the transfer of power. The official term for the tradition-packed period between the revelation of the Alpha and his ultimate reunion with the Luna was called “The King’s New Moon.”

The new moon was the darkest phase of the lunar cycle and the immediate separation from his mate was meant to be a test of the Alpha’s restraint and bearing. 

Jimin wanted to put his fist through a wall. 

He missed you. 

Fighting Namjoon was nothing compared to the torture of this bureaucratic circus.

As the day progressed he was extremely grateful to have Yoongi and Taehyung at his side. Yoongi agreed to act as interim Praetor while Namjoon recovered and he and Taehyung were quick to fill in any knowledge gaps Jimin had with regards to protocol. 

The first round of ceremonial greetings between packs dragged on more than an hour before the bell struck for a brief recess. In fact, until Taehyung’s rather strange pronouncement, nearly every moment played out with boring predictability.

Though there was one notable surprise. 

Apparently the Iron Claw pack had just undergone a change of leadership and was now under the command of a female alpha named Azira Kai. 

Authority in the Iron Claw pack was traditionally decided through combat, and Azira beat nearly thirty-five challengers to ascend as queen. 

Female alphas were extraordinarily rare. Jimin knew they existed, but Azira was the first one he’d ever heard of. 

Iron Claw’s senior envoy delivered the news himself at the start of the ceremony and personally conveyed the queen’s well wishes. 

Jimin eyed the representative in question speculatively from his corner of the table. At first glance the man seemed much like every other emissary gathered in the crowded hall to fulfil centuries old obligations. But Taehyung had always possessed a strange sense about people. 

His instincts could not be easily dismissed. 

“I will keep that in mind,” he whispered as he sent the young man a courteous nod.

The sun had already begun to set when a messenger from the chief elder’s chambers arrived at your door. At long last the ceremonial requirements were drawing to a close and soon the elder’s council would be sending you instructions.

However...‘soon’ could mean anything from twenty minutes to five hours. 

“You might as well rest while you can,” Jin teased with a salacious wiggle of his brows. “Who knows what strenuous activity you might find yourself involved in when they finally let that boy loose.”

You rolled your eyes, trying to pretend that your cheeks weren’t burning with embarrassment. 

“I will rest, but not for any reason you’re thinking.”

Truth be told, your nerves were a bit… frayed. 

A frustration was building within you and nothing seemed to satisfy it. You weren’t even sure what you were wanting, but you definitely wanted it. 

“Of course not,” your cousin chuckled as you gathered your gloves and wandered back to the bedroom. 

An hour later Jin’s boredom found him snuggled up on the couch near the fireplace reading over an old cookbook from your mother’s pantry.

“Heavens… no wonder Aunt Isa’s kimchi is so dry. This is a disgrace.”

Suddenly the front door began to shake and pound violently. Strange smells carried through the air and his eyes widened. 

Foreign wolves. 

He drew in a deep breath and immediately growled in frustration. 

Foreign alphas.

A small bowl of red powder sat on the mantle above the hearth. Jin just barely managed to toss it into the flames before the door splintered off its hinges. 

“Hello boys,” he drawled, unleashing a massive dose of pheromones while the knives strapped to his forearms slid smoothly to his hands. “What brings you here?”

“I just heard the strangest news,” Min Yoongi narrowed his eyes at the small scrap of paper passed to him by one of the council aides. 

“Oh?”

The next set of guild masters were making their way to Jimin at a snail’s pace. It would be several seconds before he needed to greet them. 

“One of the healers sent word that Namjoon has disappeared from his assigned recovery room.” He shook his head curiously. “Where do you suppose he’s gone?”

Jimin’s eyes widened. 

That mangy mutt. He’s probably bent Yunli over every surface of her brother’s house by now. Goddess above! He couldn’t hold out for six more days? 

“I’m sure I have no idea.”

I should have killed him. This is a disaster. He can barely walk, how does he expect to-

“The Miner’s Guild is honored to serve at the pleasure of the Alpha.”

Jimin nodded regally and forced up a pleasant smile. 

“The honor is entirely mine, Master Lee. I look forward to-”

A loud crash split the solemn hush of the room as a young member of the council guard burst through the heavy wooden doors. 

“Red smoke! Red smoke rises from the Luna’s hearth!”

Jimin felt his heart plummet into his stomach. 

Chaos erupted immediately. 

“Call for the guards!”

“We must notify the healers.”

“The messengers just spoke to her-”

“Is it an attack?”

“ENOUGH!”

The Alpha’s voice cut across the assembly with authoritative resonance. 

Every eye turned to him in expectation. 

But he could only think of you. 

“Jung, lock the building down. Take your clansmen and seal off every entrance.”

Murmurs began to stir through the hall as Hoseok directed his people toward the access points, but he ignored them. 

“Choi. Make for the healers. Have a dozen of them meet us there.”

Jimin was already heading for the door. The deadly length of his claws flashed ominously in the firelight. 

“Kim, Min, Jeon - with me.”

The three alphas in question fell in step behind him without a word. 

The scene at the Luna’s home was nightmarish. 

Jimin ran to your room immediately, but all he found was a broken window and the lingering scent of your fear. 

His wolf howled in anguish as he fell to his knees and screamed in rage. 

At the front of the house four badly beaten bodies lay strewn about the kitchen and living room area. Most of the furniture was destroyed and the scent of carnage soaked the air. 

“Jin!”

The omega stood at the center of the rubble. There was a nasty slash running up his right leg and another grievous wound near his ribs. 

But his arms were wrapped around a massive foriegn wolf with the thin blade of his favorite knife pressed against the intruders throat. 

“What happened here?” Yoongi gasped. “And that smell-” he moved his hand to cover his nose. 

“Pheromones,” Taehyung nearly gagged. 

His eyes fell to the corpses - examining their injuries with a critical gaze. 

“Jin, you dangerous bastard.”

The omega simply smiled and forced the prisoner onto his knees. 

“I don’t understand…” Jungkook shook his head. 

“He flooded them with omega pheromones... These four were unmated.” The Kim alpha let out a cold chuckle. “He triggered their ruts… and they killed each other over him.”

Jungkook’s eyes widened. 

Male omegas really were terrifying.

Taehyung’s eyes narrowed and he considered the scene. 

“None of this makes sense. The scent markers are clearly from the Iron Claw pack. They didn’t even bother to mask…”

Jungkook and Yoongi began to search the bodies for any hint of their motives or identity when Jimin returned from your room. His fury was palpable in the air around him. 

“Why would anyone kidnap a Luna?” he snarled. “The divine bloodline is sacred to all wolves. Who would be so reckless?”

Jin shook his head.

“I don’t know.” His knife twisted into the prisoner’s neck. “But he does.”

Jimin crouched down in front of the foreigner, fighting every urge in his soul to tear the mountains apart for his mate.  

“Where is she?”

The prisoner sneered.

“You may be a powerful Alpha, but you are not of my pack or my blood.  I’ll never tell you anything.”

“Oh,” Jimin’s eyes flashed with golden fire, “I think you will.” 

Heavy. 

That was how you felt. 

Your body was sore (like it had been tossed and carried a long distance) and your mind was out of focus (as if everything around you was moving either too quickly or too slowly - honestly you couldn’t quite tell).

You remembered being drugged; some sort of compound pressed against your nose and mouth.  

Glass from the window shattered onto your face…

Then unfamiliar scents and unfamiliar hands closed in on all sides. 

Too fast for you to react.

Too shocking for anyone to have predicted. 

Nothing like this had ever happened and there was no reason to believe it would. 

To harm a Luna was sacrilege. 

It was simply not done. 

What could drive men to such a course of action? 

You should be afraid; terrified even.  

But you weren’t.

Your eyes fluttered open to take your new surroundings. You could vaguely see the shape of seven or eight wolves - alphas by the smell of them-

And then you smiled. 

It wasn’t your usual impish grin or anything close to soft or inviting. 

It was a cold twist that crept over your lips as you watched your abductors set up their camp. 

After a moment, one of them noticed your strange expression. 

“Looks like the little Luna hit her head on the way here,” he called out to his comrades with an amused snort. “You should have been more careful with her, Mac.”

He shook his head and made his way over to where you were tied up. The young alpha reeked so heavily of sweat and self-importance, you almost gagged. 

“What’s got you so amused, Miss Luna?”

It was more of a taunt than a question, but your smile widened nonetheless. 

“My mate is going to kill you.” 

Shock flickered over his features for just a second before he threw his head back and laughed. 

“We’ll be long gone before your sweet little alpha even knows we’re here.” He gripped your chin between his fingers and you snarled. “We masked our scent as soon as we got you - and there isn’t a wolf alive that could track our crew through the woods.”

“You’re wrong,” you whispered. 

Jimin’s face flashed through your mind - followed immediately by another memory, buried deeply, but never forgotten—

of a frightened little girl and the silver wolf who braved the forest and fought a monster to save her. 

“He’ll come for me - no matter what precautions you’ve taken.” You leaned forward a bit, letting the conviction in your gaze blaze through to the depths of your captor’s soul. “And then - he’ll come for you.” 

If you are already in the taglist, then I will automatically tag you for the next part! If you would like to be added to the taglist, please let me know.

And also please tell me what you thought of this update! I am really excited to hear your thoughts! (I know it was kind of unexpected right?) Feedback really does fuel my writing and hearing from you means a lot to me! On days that its hard to write, I go back and I read your lovely words and it makes me want to keep going! I cannot overstate its value in my heart! 

[actualbird]

Oh god!

I really love the poly headcanons they are so sweet.... (or don't but that's part of it and i think the tot boys+MC deserve all the love the world has to give).

But, liking it or not, our 4 beloved boys are kinda complicated (that's what makes them perfect). Plus I never thought about how people get in poly relationships. So i was thinking, how do you think they all get into a polyrelationship together?

(I really have no idea of how that would happen)

hi, two anons!! im glad you guys liked my nxx team polycule stuff!! i'll answer these in one go, my "headcanon" (in quotes because i think this kinda turned into a character analysis/minific of sorts HAHA) being what first anon asked, How They Get Together.

heads up, wc of this is 1.9k words long so buckle up for a bit of a read jfsjdfkjbf

because first anon, youre right!!! the boys are stupendously complicated which i love so so much but canon has also shown us clearly that each of the boys' quirks and habits and tendencies causes a lot of (mostly played for laughs) friction. the bickering, the backhanded insults, the "im the best one here" preening contests. theyre all SOOOO RIDICULOUS and it is hilarious but yep! the boys r complex!! and that means this beautiful ship, imo, has a lot of phases to get to the actual romantic relationship bit.

how they get together, in my opinion, starts because of mc.

not in the sense that she matchmakes them all, but like.

phase 1 of the nxx team polycule is this:

through being in love with her (which we all know the boys 100% are), each of the boys come to terms with their own flaws and weaknesses. it's very apparent to me in all the story thus far that these boys are flawed as hell, it's very compelling but even more compelling to me is how all of them also do intense mental gymnastics to Not Confront Those Flaws. like, marius is a dickbag always teasing and toeing the line of insincerity, vyn is a controlling mf who always tries to sway situations to his benefit, artem is so repressed to the point that he has genuine trouble with emotions, luke is a self sacrificial bastard and also a huge hypocrite about how no, actually, hes the only one that should be hiding his pain and being dishonest, no dishonesty from other people!! in the beginning of the story, all the boys have their flaws and seem to have just kinda...not addressed how those flaws are harming them and the people around them.

and then mc rolls around and they all fall in love with her. and she sees those flaws and she doesnt let them slide. she challenges the boys in her own ways to see another side of the situation, to acknowledge what theyre doing. she doesnt want to get rid of flaws, thats impossible and also not cool. she just has this beautiful hope for like, all of humanity, that goodness can prevail with the right work. so when she sees her beloved nxx boys, she believes that for them as well.

which leads to phase 2 of the nxx team polycule:

the boys, more aware of themselves, become more aware of each other.

they werent Unaware of the others of course. it's just that they didnt like...truly connect on a personal level just yet. they saw the other teammembers with their emotional armor and flaws and saw a wall that wasnt worth looking past.

but after mc makes them realize that hey, flaws arent the end of the world actually, it's alright and the person behind them may just be worth it, the boys like. end up understanding the others. A LOT OF THIS BIT IS UNINTENTIONAL, ON THEIR PARTS KJDSBFS. like they stumble into understanding each other by accident, they didnt plan it, but over the course of nxx investigations, it's inevitable that they end up seeing the depths of the others. i delve into this a little bit in my fanfic "filler eps of the lost gold" where the boys are just going thru their actions and then trip over another boy's fears or desires and through that, gain a deeper understanding mutually.

and with understanding, sometimes, comes trust.

phase 3 of the nxx team polycule goes like this:

everybody in this team, whether they like it or not, whether they know it or not, has a heart that wants to give love so desperately.

marius lives in a world full of snakes so he cant have his heart on his sleeve for his own protection. vyn wants to be seen as perfect and the heart is inherently messy so he holds it back. artem for a very very long time was focused on work and success and achievement that he neglected his heart. and luke has been giving love all his life in a sense but in a way thats hidden.

all these tendencies that are brought upon their life circumstances results in this: they want to love honestly but they havent been able to do this

until mc. and all of them want to push back whatever fears or patterns their life has instilled in them because they see her and see somebody so unwaveringly good that all their hearts begin giving love to her to make her happy and to make themselves happy as well.

but heres the thing. the boys dont just see mc. by this point, they have connected and understood and come to trust each other as well, and the consequence of that is that They Can See Each Other Now Too, Truly.

and heres the thing. all of the boys are unwaveringly good as well.

one by one, each of the boys realize that what they feel for the other boys in the team starts to...change. yeah theyre all friends, they pick on each other a lot of the time, but the bedrock of the relationship is solid and strong now. but when marius is with luke, marius sees a light inside of luke so bright that he seems unaware that he gives off. when artem is with vyn, artem sees a goodness inside of vyn that hesitates to make itself obvious and known because vyn is scared of getting hurt thanks to it. all of them see the other and their goodness and, unbidden, their hearts want to give love to each other as well.

and because theyre all a bit stupid in their own way theyre like, huh, weird! wonder why this feeling is so familiar! and yet i cant seem to name it...and then they all independently compare these feeling with the feelings they have for mc, a feeling they do know the name of, and theyre like.

WAIT.

THESE FEELINGS ARE...VERY BASICALLY EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL FOR MC.

which only means one thing: theyve fallen in love with everybody else

marius: //goes to his studio to Think and sees that a bunch of his recent art actually had little crumbs of these feelings already, etched into the brushstrokes and scenes. has an emotional crisis about it

vyn: //records a 1 hour long entry in his audio diary to examine and gain control of his feelings but by the end of the hour all he knows is that he wants to hold these people and be held by them

artem: //quite literally just bluescreens, artem.exe has stopped working, sits at his study and slowly, slowly, thunks his head down onto his desk, valiantly trying to ignore the fast pulse of his heart

luke: //manically vents about it to peanut who, by virtue of being a bird, doesnt get it. just keeps talking at peanut to get a grasp of it all and then lies down on the floor, overwhelmed

mc, sitting in her apartment watching some netflix: ...why do i inexplicably feel as if something very, very important has just happened?

phase 4 of the nxx team polycule is basically:

pining: extreme difficulty level

because pining is already hard when ur pining for one person. what more for an additional 3 more people. and those additional 3 more people are pining back.

and all these boys are SOOOO OBVIOUS with their romantic feelings, in their own special way. the way they show their affection to mc starts to bleed into their interactions with the others and everybody can CLEARLY SEE WHAT IS GOING ON, LOL, but also all the boys are too chickenshit to confront it, because if they confront it, what will even happen??? being in love with each other, all of them, thats going to be such a complicated fucking relationship, holy shit. it's 2030, yeah, being a polyamorous group relationship isnt completely unheard of, but sue them, theyre scared.

but mc (who i forgot to mention already knows of the boys' romantic feelings for her, shes just hasnt made a move yet on any of them because SHES IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THEM AS WELL and shes been trying to figure out how the hell to make that work, she cant bear to choose just one of them, she'd be heartbroken over leaving the rest of them behind) sees that the nxx investigation team is now all pining for each other FULLY and she kinda wants to laugh when she realizes whats going on because like, what are the chances? that this would happen? that they all found each other and their feelings fell into just the right place for nobody to be left behind?

theyre all scared, she can tell. and she is as well, she wont lie.

but shes always had a belief that goodness can prevail with the right work.

and love is one of the greatest goods out there.

phase 5 of the nxx team polycule:

It's Time For Communication, Baby!!!!!

the exact scenes of how this happens is a bit vague to me. it could go two ways: mc going to each of the boys independently to talk about feelings, hers about everybodys and his about everybodys as well. OR they have a fucking meeting about it all together and artem literally schedules it in his google calendar, or something.

either way, they like, actually talk about this. starts casual, maybe over a chill date, maybe over dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe over a walk in the park as the sun is starting to set. but where ever it happens, the end result is the same: a heart is laid out bare and it is taken in gentle, grateful hands.

marius: OKAY, NOW THAT THE FEELINGS ARE OUT OF THE WAY, CAN I PLEASE KISS ONE OR ALL OF YOU, PLEASE, IVE BEEN WANTING TO KISS U GUYS FOR FOREVER

vyn, laughing fondly: has anybody ever told you patience is a virtue? we quite literally just talked it all out.

marius: //needy whining noises

artem, embarrassed: ive...never kissed anybody before

luke, embarrassed but trying to play it Cool: ....same here

mc: kissing is great, you two will love it!

marius: awesome, awesome, so is ANYBODY going to give me a go ahead or WHAT????

phase 6 of the nxx team polycule:

i dont want to say it's happily ever after, once they all get together. thats not really realistic.

they all have their quirks and tendencies and habits. and those will inevitable clash against each other. theyll have their arguments, theyll get upset, theyll sulk and be angry, sometimes. but also...

theyll see each other smile and feel like their love shining so brightly. theyll reach out for another's hand and be held in such a way that makes them think that their heart is in a safe place. theyll love each other and theyll put in the work to continue loving each other. because goodness will prevail.

and they all see each other as the most good people in the world.

so whatever happens, theyll get through it together.

[obxjj]

the way we heal | jj maybank

- pairings: jj maybank x reader

- summary: people deal with trauma in different ways but it seems that jj thinks you don't care about the loss of your friends and deep down himself but he just needs to understand that people heal in their own time and through their own meanings, he just needed to be reassured of it. kinda pre season 2 ep 1 give ot take

- warning(s): really motherfucking angsty and swearing. mention of substance abuse

- wc: 2.2k :))))

a/n: all my fics the pogues and reader are the age 17/18 only because that's more comfortable for me to write. its been a long long time since i have wrote something so sorry for and spelling errors

People tend to deal with trauma differently. It could be resulting to crying you eyes out until you can’t breath and you can’t see through your tears clouding your eyes. Drinking until your liver wants to shut down and you whole body is so numb that yourself and everyone around you is so tuned out that you can’t function. Resulting to drugs to either feel something or not to feel anything at all. Or to have something to blame your actions on from yourself acting out simply because you don’t know how to handle the situation of a friend dying.

See you on the other hand dealt with it internally or the whim and feeling of not accepting death. Maybe it was your subconscious talking wanting you not to accept or maybe it was the gut feeling that you always got telling you that they were actually alive and have survived that storm that ‘supposedly’ had swept them away because “no body was found”.

This ‘gut feeling’ had always been right in many life or death situations. Or even just you picking out an outfit that you were unsure of whether it was going to get the boys attention that you had a crush on. It did indeed get his attention that night because that’s how you ended up loosing your virginity that night but that’s besides the point.

The best way you could describe it was like when people would do personality tests and it would ask “are you controlled by your heart or what you feel” probably not those exact words but you get the point. I felt with my feelings if my gut said yes then it was a yes.

Since the night that John B and Sarah had ‘died’ your gut had been telling you the opposite. That they were in fact not dead. As Big John use to say when you were a kid, you can never kill a Routledge. At the time it seemed like bullshit but now it was starting to grow on you.

However now your two friends were presumed dead and not everyone dealt with trauma like you did. Some would even go as far to say that you didn’t actually give a fuck that your friends were dead because you hadn’t cried or you hadn’t drunk yourself into a state of no return or resulted to smoking weed every single day and spray painted ‘murder’ on Ward Cameron’s estate. But at least Kiara wasn’t lying.

But the thing was you hadn’t cried because you couldn’t, you quite literally hated crying because it made you feel weak. Even if you tried and you tried your hardest but nothing came. At this point you could go as far as denial. This gut feeling was like getting hit by a semi truck every time a thought came into your head questioning maybe they were dead. Maybe they did get swept away at sea and never to return.

Your gut feeling was simply not letting you mourn the loss of John B and Sarah and now everyone thought you were an emotionless bitch. I mean they were right to a point but not the whole point.

So that brought you to current day driving around the Cut and night playing fucking real life Where’s Wally but its Where’s JJ Maybank because he’s blacked out drunk somewhere and now you’re on a rescue mission. Not like you had done enough of those in the last few weeks.

About an hour ago your phone rang and it was JJ asking you to come pick him up since somehow he had now idea where he had ended up and was too far gone to put together his surroundings. Well that’s what you had assumed he said since you had to decipher his slurred words.

At this point you had driven around the whole island and gone to every hid out spot that he would go smoke at or to just get away from everyday life. You had gone to all but one place. Where you avoiding that particular house because it held so many memories, plus the fact you hadn’t been near the place since shit hit rock bottom. Yes? But it was the highest chance that JJ was sitting on that dock with his legs swinging over it with a beer in hand.

Well you were right. As you walked down the old dock to where JJ was sitting it was if you could feel all the emotions, thoughts and disbelief crawling their way up your skin from the ground you were walking on. But that gut feeling was like a wave of fire, burning it all the way back to the ground.

“I don’t know why I just didn’t look here first. I should have known aye” you half heartedly said trying to keep the conversation light since you didn’t know what state JJ was going to be in. From the huff you got in response told you he wasn’t in the mood to talk.

“How much have you had J?” You asked with concern but still trying to keep you voice light and less reprimanding because you knew he was in a too fragile state for you to be angry.

“Does it even matter how much Iv had. I don’t feel shit anymore” he replied back with his words straight forward and sobered.

“Well have you even given yourself a break for your body to sober up for you to even feel the effects of it? Or have you still been going since yesterday when I saw you? J its not going to do shit if you don’t give it a rest for at least a day or so” you said back trying you best to keep you and your voice as calm as possible. You fucking hated seeing JJ like this, you would never say it to his face but fuck it just reminded you of his dad when he got into states like this. Until the last week you had never seen JJ this bad. But could you blame him.

“You just don’t get it do you” JJ was now facing you and by the tone of his voice you had unintentionally struck a nerve that you were actively avoiding. “Why did you even fucking come if you’re just going to tell me how I should cope. Do you even care that JB has gone? He was our best fucking friend. He was my fucking brother my only family! And he’s fucking gone just like his old man. You haven’t even shed a tear y/n. You’re just acting like nothing had happened. Do you even care!” JJ was now on his feet breathing heavily and his jaw so clenched you’re surprised his teeth haven’t broken

“J, please do not yell at me right now” you asked with your voice shaking trying to hold back something that was bubbling at the surface. Was it anger or was it the water works that desperately needed to be let out.

JJ started to walk back up the dock, showing that he was done with this conversation that he could have avoided if he didn’t ask you in the first place to come pick him up. Deep down he knew that you would be the only one to come and get him, he just wasn’t as good at showing his gratefulness due to the alcohol that was numbing him.

“JJ just wait please, please don’t walk away” You stood back up and starting walking after him quick on the backs of his feet. He halted his tracks and turned around to look at you with a pained look in his face, as you got up close you could see his eyes stained red. Either from crying or the linger of weed still in his system.

“What could you possibly want to say y/n. I really thought you would be the last person not to care about this” JJ was now right up in your face and his voice was holding back trying his best not to yell. But that last sentence had taken you back.

“You think I don’t care JJ!” now you starting yelling “of course I give a shit JJ our friends are gone, they are not fucking here. I know it might not seem that I don’t care. But just because I’m not crying my eyes out every hour or drinking myself into a state where I don’t now where the fuck I am or getting high that I spray paint on any wall I see” your breath was now battling to come to the surface because you were talking so fast.

“Just because Im not doing any of those things doesn’t mean I don’t care JJ! People deal with this shit differently and you need to understand that” you breathed out trying to grasp for air again “the thing is JJ I have this annoying gut feeling thats telling me that John B and Sarah are not dead, and its literally preventing me to mourn them. I have convinced myself that they are alive and I can’t fucking mourn non dead people J. I don’t know how to fucking explain it”

“Well why didn’t you just tell us that” he replied after bit letting your whole rant sink into his brain, weaving its way through the alcohol that was clouding it.

“Because JJ! Even saying that out loud I sound fucking crazy, like I’m in a deep pit of denial. The thing is I’m far from denial. Yes I know there is a massive fucking fat chance that they are dead and have been food for the sharks” you exclaimed

“Don’t make it worse y/n” JJ shook his head not very happy with your choice of words

“Okay yeah sorry bad wording. Im sorry” you lowered your head in sorrow wanting to slap yourself in the face for trying to make jokes out of trauma.

“So its not that I don’t care J, trust me I do care. But John B and Sarah are not physically here with us and I cant physically care for them right now. But when we see them can do that”

“Y/n -“ JJ tried to get a word in but you hadn’t finished

“Don’t JJ. We will see them again” you put an emphasis on ‘will’ “I trust my gut and even you know that when I get a gut feeling that it’s always been right. Correct?”

“Yes but -“ he tried to get another word in but you needed him to listen.

“JJ I care about you. I care about Kiara and Pope. You guys are physically here for me to care for. The thing is I haven’t spoken to Kie since she’s with Pope half the time and I have spoken to Pope since he’s with Kid half the time and you? I can’t speak to you because your too far gone in beers to for me to even get a coherent conversation in” This was such an over due conversation to be had, you were now on the verge of hyperventilating. You needed JJ to hear this. Fully sober would have been better but half sober is the best you’re gonna get.

“JJ I understand if that’s how you’re going to deal with all of this but you can’t throw yourself completely away. We need you. I need you JJ. I can’t have you going off the deep end and then we loose you too. You need to be here for when we get John B back. He will need you for when he’s back”. The water works that you had been holding back had finally been released and trust it to be in front of JJ. He was your fucking rock, you couldn’t loose him. No way that would be your last day on earth if that were to happen.

“I-. Im sorry. I’m just so fucking lost y/n. I don’t know what the fuck to do. You’re always at work and Kie and Pope are god knows where. I just want this to go away so fucking bad. All this pain, I feel like I have no one” JJ was now crying to and gripping your waist as is you could float away into the air

“I know JJ, but you have us you have always had us. But you have to be so stubborn sometimes that you won’t let us in and help, you won’t let me in a help you” you had JJ’s face in your hands making him look at you so he knew you meant every single word. “I’m so sorry if you didn’t think I cared and I wasn’t there to help you, I just deal with this shit in a different way. Just like every single other person. We all heal differently and that’s okay. It dosent mean we care less. It doesn’t mean I care less”

Now there you and JJ stand on the dock leading off the chateau both in each others embrace purging the pain that’s both been locked up inside you for so long. The past you and JJ had people really didn’t tend to understand but neither did you. But you would always find your way back to each other at the end of the day. Despite the fights you had in the past and the days you would be at each others throats screaming at each other to the days you would be secretly stealing a glance at him because you just couldn’t help yourself.

You would always be there to help him take the pain away and he was always be there to do the same for you.

[nicolesangel]

nothing safe is worth the drive

pairing: wanda maximoff/reader

summary: you and wanda both get hurt on missions, just for completely different reasons. what happens when your anxiety for losing each other finally comes to a peak?

words: 2k

author’s note: very loosely based off of "treacherous" by taylor swift. specifically the lyrics "this hope is treacherous, this daydream is dangerous" and "nothing safe is worth the drive and i will follow you, follow you home". i absolutely did not do a thorough edit of this so please tell me if there is anything wrong! enjoy :-)

click here to read on ao3 or read below!

The compound was quiet today.

You lay in the medbay, an IV line in your arm, your closest friend, Wanda, sitting next to you. She had been next to you all night, waiting for you to wake up, but she’ll never tell you that.

The mission was going so well until the very end. You were supposed to find the weapons and secure them and then get out. There wasn’t supposed to be someone waiting for you at the exit; your path was supposed to be cleared by Natasha. You got out with only a few broken ribs and a concussion, fairly lucky, but when you got back to the jet, you blacked out.

When you finally awoke this morning, Wanda’s eyes were shining with relief. She squeezed your hand before letting go so you could readjust yourself. She handed you a glass of water silently; you gave a small smile back before taking a sip.

“Is everyone else okay?” Your voice was rough as you spoke your first words.

“Yeah,” Wanda sighed. “Actually, there was an emergency call. Everyone else has already headed out. i just wanted to make sure you were okay before I left.”

You panicked momentarily and sat up straighter. “Okay, give me ten and I’ll be ready to go.”

“Y/N, seriously? You aren’t going anywhere. Even if the doctors had okayed you, Tony has you suspended from missions for two weeks until you heal.”

“I just—“ you pause, groaning in pain as you shift your body toward Wanda. You now realize the room is almost completely dark, light just spilling in from the hallway. You sigh, “Fine. But please, Wanda, be extra careful. They can’t afford to lose you too.”

I can’t afford to lose you, you think.

“I promise, Y/N/N. Everything will be okay.” she squeezes your hand one last time before leaving.

You are left alone with with the dark and your racing mind. You can’t lose Wanda. She doesn’t know how much she means to you. Maybe you don’t even realize it yourself until now. You love her.

——

Everything did not end up okay. Despite her promise to you, Wanda ended up in the hospital bed beside yours. But, at least, she was conscious.

Your mind is racing with concern, sadness, anger (and love). You don’t even realize you’re staring at Wanda until she shoots you a glare, a bandage covering a huge gash on her forehead. “Your thoughts are loud. I appreciate your concern, but please, just turn your mind off and let me rest.”

You don’t even get a word in before Wanda is asleep. You lay on your back and stare up at the dim fluorescent lights. Your eyes are burning, tears threatening to roll down your cheeks. You want to sit next to Wanda and be there for her when she wakes up the way she had done for you.

Your body is aching, but you don’t know if it’s from the longing or the broken ribs. But despite your fighting, you also fall asleep.

When you wake up, the room is just as dark as it had been earlier. You have no idea what time it is, but it feels like no time has passed at all. You hear rustling sheets from next to you and notice that Wanda is awake, laying on her side, head propped up by her hand, staring directly at you with a small smile (or grimace, if you looked close enough, from the pain).

“Morning sleepyhead,” she whispers.

You turn yourself to face her, as much as you can without facing excruciating pain, and give her a gentle smile back. But your smile fades as quick as it came. “Wanda…”

Her expression immediately shifts to worry, her brows furrowing as she looks you up and down. “What’s wrong? Are you in pain?”

“No,” you sigh, trying not to let your anxiety overwhelm you. You begin frantically whispering, “I was so scared Wanda. You told me you would be extra careful and yet, here you are in the same condition as me.”

“Y/N…”

“I could have lost you for good…” you mutter under your breath.

“Why would you think that? You know I can handle myself and it would never go that far.”

“I—“ you pause to swallow down a sob as tears begin finally slipping from your eyes. You almost let those three words escape your lips, but you couldn’t do that. Not now. Not when Wanda, and you, were injured and emotional and clearly frustrated with each other. “I just want you to be safe. That’s all.”

“No,” she growls, and you flinch. “It’s something more than that. I know you care, but please give up the act Y/N. What is this really about?”

You end up back how you started this conversation; eyes up at the ceiling, lying on your back. “It can wait, Wanda. Neither of us are in the condition to be fighting or crying or — whatever.”

“Fine,” she whispers, mirroring your position. “Just know, I feel the same way.”

——

When you wake up the next morning, you are discharged from the medbay and were ordered another week in bed to heal the concussion. You wanted to ask Wanda what she meant — what did she feel the same way about? — but she was still passed out when the nurse came to wheel you back to your room. It would have to wait.

The next week went by excruciatingly slow. The only human interaction you had was with the nurses that brought you food and medicine. And Natasha that one day.

She brought you dinner on your fourth day. You asked her to stay for a bit; you needed company after being (and feeling) alone for a while. She complied, sitting down beside you on the bed, stealing a bite of your food, gaining a glare from you.

“Nat,” you said quietly, testing out your voice after hours of silence, “what was the emergency that day? No one has told me…”

“We must have missed some of the weapons because we caught trucks moving grenades and dynamite from the same unit. But everything went as planned.”

You looked up at her with confusion. “But, if everything went well, then how did…”

Natasha rolled her eyes, a smirk crossing her lips. “She got that cut fighting for you.”

What does that mean? you thought. Confusion swept your mind. “Nat, what—“

“She found the guy who hurt you. Cursed him out. He punched her. Hard. She threw him around a bit before sending him our way.”

“Why would she do that? I told her to be careful.” You couldn’t believe what you heard. You couldn’t decide whether to be flattered or pissed.

“You know her. You should have known she wasn’t going to listen. She cares too much to let something like that go.” Natasha patted your hand before she walked toward the door.

Just as she reached the door, she paused and looked back at you. Tears are beginning to form again in your eyes. “You should tell her, you know.”

“What?” You locked eyes with Natasha.

“That you love her.”

Natasha was gone before you could respond. How did she know? Was it that obvious? you thought, your mind scrambling for a coherent thought. And did Natasha know something you didn’t? She did say that Wanda cared about you “too much”, but what does that—

Is that what Wanda was talking about when she said she felt the same way? Did she already know? There’s no way. How could she possibly know you love her when you only just realized it yourself?

It is now your first day off of bedrest and you take time to reacclimate yourself to the compound alone. You’re given smiles and nods and “I’m glad you’re okay!”s as you walk around. You weren’t expecting company when you returned to your room.

Wanda was wrapped up in a blanket on your bed, a book in her hands. As soon as she heard your footsteps entering the room, she put the book down and looked up at you with a shy, apologetic smile. “Hey,” she breathed out. “Can we talk?”

“I mean it doesn’t look like I have much of a choice, does it?” You slide into your bed beside Wanda. She offers you some of her blanket and you take it, ending up shoulder to shoulder with her.

Wanda looks over at you, empathy emitting from her emerald eyes. “I’m sorry I snapped at you the other day. I just— I hate to see you hurting and my emotions got the best of me and—“

“Natasha told me how you got hurt.”

Wanda sighs. “Of course she did.”

“Listen, Wand, you didn’t have to do that. I was fine! Really, you didn’t have to—“

“Yes I did!” You’re cut off abruptly by Wanda’s exasperation. Her eyes are sparkling with tears as she takes your hand in her own. “I did have to. Because I couldn’t handle seeing you so hurt and him getting away with hardly a scrape. I care too much about you.”

“But why did you put yourself in so much danger when I specifically asked you to be careful?” Your voice is elevated and now tears are slipping down both of your faces.

“Because I love you!”

The room fills with silence as you stare at each other, your mouth slightly agape as you squeeze Wanda’s hand.

You whisper, “you love me?”

Wanda gives you a sad smile. “I love you. So much it hurts. And it’s so scary how much I love you because what happens if I lose you? Even if you don’t love me in the way I love you, I am so scared that one day you’ll get hurt and I’ll lose you. I just—“

You cup Wanda’s cheek with your free hand. “I do love you in the way you love me. I really, really do.”

You lock eyes with each other before Wanda begins slowly leaning in. Her eyes flicker down at your lips before you close your own and connect your lips with hers. You’ve never been so happy or scared, but your heart is buzzing.

You separate before taking both of her hands in your own and placing them in your lap. You stare down at your intertwined fingers before speaking.

“I love you, but I’m so scared too. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you either.” You look up at Wanda before giving a timid smile. “But I want to do this with you. You’re my home. No matter how dangerous or scary it may be, I want to love you.”

“I have hope, you know.” Wanda takes one of her hands to push a piece of your hair behind your ear and lets it linger. “I know we are constantly putting ourselves in danger. It’s literally our job. But loving you is worth the risk. It’s worth the pain we will experience and the anxiety and anger because in the end of it all, it will always lead back to you. No matter what. You’re my home too.”

You lean in and kiss her again before wrapping yourself around her. She wraps her arms around your waist, holding on as if she would never let go.

“Are we really going to do this?” you whisper.

“There’s no way we aren’t doing this. Loving you is worth the risk of losing you.”

You separate enough to see Wanda’s face, her arms still around your waist, yours still resting around her shoulders, your foreheads resting against each other.

“God, I love you so much it hurts.”

“I love you just the same.”

[souichioneshots]

Untitled Binzo x Reader Fic

SO uhhhh.... Binzo thinks about the reasons why he hates Y/N so much? IDK you guys are kinda like frenemies ???

This is the stupidest thing ive ever written...

Might make an NSFW continuation of this if anyone shows any interest tho lollll

Enjoy?????

Binzo could remember the day you two first met like it was yesterday.

He had been awoken by the sound of his father and uncle arguing in a nearby room. Although he could barely make out what they were saying, he could tell by the way he was screaming, his father had done something unbelievably stupid again.

As the door to his room slid open, Binzo quickly moved to ‘greet’ the sudden visitor, his chains holding him back just before he was able to reach the door. A smile spread across Binzo's face as he saw his father react in a panicked motion, jumping back to avoid his son's vicious attacks. However, Binzo's laughter was put to a stop when he saw a small figure move behind the older man.

Moving a bit to the side, Souichi revealed a girl, a little under Binzo’s age, who had been hiding behind him the entire time. She gripped onto the back of the false-gentleman’s suit jacket, obviously hesitant to enter the room.

Binzo's eyes widened in surprise as his father insisted, almost pushing her into the room forcefully. His eyes looked the girl up and down, trying to figure out why his father had brought her here, let alone why he decided it would be a good idea to bring her into the same room as him.

Her clothes were almost as tattered as his own. She had no shoes on her feet, but the socks that she wore were stained black with dirt and mud. From what he could see with the little lighting in his room, the exposed skin of her arms and legs were covered in scratches and bite marks. Her cold eyes stared at the pale boy as she walked in cautiously, immediately following the older man to the other side of the room. Binzo could remember how she ran her fingers through his father's greased-up hair as he placed the chains around her ankles. They exchanged a look that his mind could not understand at the time.

Getting up from the dirty floor, Souichi stated that the girl’s name was Y/N. A name so foreign to Binzo that he was sure it was made up.

As soon as his father finally left, Binzo tried to attack you. But, that was when he found out the truth. You were a monster just like him. An abomination that someone must have tried to get rid of, only for his own idiotic father to pick up and bring home like a kitten off the street. You bared your fangs at him as you backed away into the corner, trying to avoid his sudden yet expected attack. Binzo watched as you stayed low on the floor, staring at him with angered eyes.

He should have been happy to finally meet someone like him, but he wasn’t.

Binzo hated you.

You were an idiot. You could barely keep a hold on your victims, and on nights when you couldn’t secure a meal like him, you resorted to trying to catch and eat the bugs that crawled around the room. You were also idiotic enough to try to steal from him. Whenever he would get ahold of someone, you would try to get close and steal a small piece for yourself. Sometimes Binzo would be too busy to realize, but when he did, he would reach out as far as he could and use his long-sharp nails to scratch you away, leaving you to become a crying-hungry mess.

You also had a habit of not responding whenever he spoke to you. However, this was completely his fault. After you finally became comfortable enough to talk to him, he started to tease you, claiming that your voice was annoying and, using a piece of broken glass, threatening to cut out your pretty pink tongue to eat as a snack. From that day on, you didn’t utter a single word to him.

However, as time went by, Binzo started to find your presence to be slightly humorous. Specifically, whenever you tried to feed.

Binzo would always laugh whenever you dug your fangs too deep into someone’s neck and ended up getting completely doused in their blood when you pulled away. He thought it was a waste of a good drink, but worth it to see you freak out as you tried to stop the fast-paced bleeding.

Your hair also grew at an unnaturally fast rate as well. It was disgusting, but fun to pull on whenever he wanted to get your attention. It was also especially fun to watch your victims pull on your hair, stunning you for a moment, and getting a couple slaps and punches in as they tried to get away. But, Binzo wouldn’t allow that, stopping them at the last minute and dragging them back in your direction. However, you would always be too embarrassed and cry, refusing the meal he was kind enough to go after for you.

You were ungrateful. Idiotic. An amateur. Everything he hated bundled up into a small ball that dwelled in the corner of his room.

But on top of all that, the thing he hated the most was how you weren’t here now.

“Where’s Y/N!! Where is she!!” Binzo exclaimed to his physically and mentally exhausted aunt. She just stayed quiet, ignoring the child’s vicious words and actions. If she knew, she would have told him by now, but she didn’t.

Binzo looked around his dark messy room as he tried to think of what might have happened to you. It had been 2 nights since he last saw you.

If you had been moved to another room, he would be able to smell it. But you weren’t. You weren’t anywhere in the house in fact.

Could his father have decided that it was too much for him to support 2 cannibalistic children, and off’d you in the woods while he was sleeping? No way. He was the one who brought you here in the first place, he should have known what he was getting himself into.

Maybe you ran away, not wanting to be held captive and enslaved to work at a lunatic’s haunted house. That would explain why his father was also not around either. Maybe he had gone out in search of his most popular attraction.

No matter the reason, you weren’t here now, and Binzo hated you for that.

As the raven-haired boy finally started to calm down, he laid down in his cage, his eyes fluttered shut, unable to keep their focus on the door of his room anymore.

However, he was suddenly awoken by a loud scream.

It was his aunt. She had left the room, leaving him alone while he was asleep. Her voice was loud, but not angry. It sounded almost cheerful. An emotion he hadn’t heard from her in the longest time.

Binzo jumped to his feet as the door to his room slid open. There stood his father, alone from what he could see, cigar burning away in his mouth as he smiled. Binzo tightly gripped the bars of his cage, a feeling of rage boiled inside him like nothing he had ever felt before.

However, that emotion quickly washed away when he saw a familiar face appear from behind his father.

There you stood. Alive and in one piece.

Just like the first time you two had met, Souichi forced you into the room. Binzo’s eyes looked you up and down as you cautiously walked in. Gripping the hem of the older man's suit jacket, you stared back at the pale boy.

Your hair had been cut, shorter than before. You were also wearing a kimono similar to his aunt. You looked almost like a doll. It was weird how he couldn’t keep his eyes off you.

Binzo watched as his father put the chains around your ankles again, your hand running through his greasy hair. You two exchanged that look he couldn’t understand again.

Binzo barely listened as his father warned him not to fuck up your clothes. As Souichi finally left the room, Binzo put his hands on the lock of his cage and, using his nails, undid it.

Crawling out of the cage, he stood onto his feet and he looked at you. Although he was still only in his early teens, he was starting to grow extremely tall, a gene he inherited from his mother no doubt.

Binzo felt his heart start to race as you looked up at him, your eyes sparkled as they reflected the small amount of light that leaked in the room. It was almost like you were giving him the same look you and his father would often exchange.

Without a word, he forcefully shoved you to the ground. “Stop looking at me!” He exclaimed.

You probably thought he was jealous that his father actually let you go out, got you nice clothes, and even treated you like you were an actual human being. But that was far from the truth. He didn't really mean to push you so hard, but his emotions had gotten the better of him.

Binzo yelled out in pain as you kicked him for pushing you so hard. Just before you could kick him again, he moved to straddle you.

Putting his weight onto your stomach, he held your wrists on both sides of your head. You growled as he brought his face close to your neck and took a deep breath. It had been so long since he smelled your scent. However, this time it was different.

“You smell delicious.” He said in a hungry voice, drool dripping from his lips as he showed you his fanged teeth. You squirmed under him, knowing that he didn’t mean that as a compliment. “I thought my dad killed you. But now I see that he just dolled you up so I can do it myself. Kishishishi!” Twisting your head to the side, you dug your fangs into his arm.

“OW! You bitch!” Binzo screamed as he pulled his arm away from you. His long fingernails left a scratch across your face as he slapped you hard.  

Baring your fangs once more, you pushed him off of you and rushed to get away. However, your chains didn't let you get far.

Binzo grabbed your legs just before you could go any further. His nails dug into the thick fabric that made up your kimono, tearing it a bit as he pulled you closer to him. Flipping you onto your back, he put himself on top of you.

You squirmed in a panic as the boy wrapped his arms and legs around you, restraining you from getting away. Not having eaten anything in a while, you soon became unable to continue fighting with the monstrous boy.

Binzo’s heartbeat slowed down as you started to relax, his body unconsciously trying to mimic the pace at which you breathed. You whined as he tightened his grip on you a bit more, making sure that you wouldn’t try to slip away from him again.

Pressing his head into your hair, he breathed in the new scents that covered your body. The smell of the brand new kimono you wore mixed with the fruity shampoo you had used made him doubt that you were really the same creature he had shared a room with 2 nights ago.

“Where did you go…?” He asked, his words slightly muffled by your hair.

Your body tensed as he dug his nails deeper into the fabric of your clothes, trying to force a reply out of you, but ultimately receiving nothing back.

He hated that you wouldn’t talk to him…

[mythiccheroacademia]

Delivery HCs with 1-A’s Big Three

A/N: Maybe I’m a bit biased because I want to be a pediatrician when I’m older, but I think children are the true gems of the world. I’ve seen a few deliveries in my life, and it’s a moment that not even magic can explain. I can only imagine what it’s like for the parents--to see the baby you’d start a war for if need be. So, here’s my attempt to translate that special love within a headcanon. 

Enjoy and continue to stay safe honey bunnies

Also, remember to thank a (good) mother for being literal superheroes once in awhile. Delivering is no joke!

Warnings: all the wonderful things that come with pushing a baby out of a 3-4in hole

All characters are aged 18+

Midoryia Izuku:

when you and your husband got to the hospital, the nurses were suprised to find you laughing and your husband muttering 

they soon came to find out he was reciting how to books about delivery

word-for-word

the buff, muscley, #1 hero who scared villains into a crime rate of 2% was wiggling his knees in fear every time you had a contraction

he was running around, calling his friends and family about how he was going to combust

asked you every five minutes if you were ready to push 

“izu, honey, i don’t think it works like that”

“true....but are you ready?”

it was funny

but it stopped being funny after 14 hours of labor, when the contractions got really bad

now you were just snapping at izuku to quiet down otherwise you’d united states smash his face in

him: 😧

the nurses: 👀

he knows you’re in pain but damn 

it’s a relief when you get the epidural 

after that, it was a relatively smooth birth 

it still hurt like hell, but your husband is holding your hand, giving you encouraging kisses

one final push and the baby is out

immediately, the little boy is screaming his head off making his presence known

you let your head fall back with a relieved sigh as your body works to get the placenta out

whiles you do tiny pushes, izuku is in a love-struck daze as he stares at your son

it’s like he has tunnel vision

suddenly, nothing in his life was ever more important than this tiny little human who couldn’t weigh more than his left hand

the nurses hand you your son and you laugh through your happy tears

“it looks like i’ve got two cry-babies to deal with now” you lovingly smile

izuku is on his knees, sobbing, kissing your forehead and rubbing his finger against his child’s cheek

he’s so thankful

he’s so very thankful, he doesn’t even know how to comprehend it

you’re the best hero in his eyes

“he’s so beautiful” he repeats, like a broken record

there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for you or his son

he silently makes an oath to do everything in his power to see his family smile with security every day

izuku feels like he finally knows what being #1 truly is

Bakugo Katsuki:

pregnancy wasn’t easy for you 

having twins wasn’t rare, but it made the process riskier

giving birth is still quite dangerous, like women are superheroes bruh

due to forseen complications, you were scheduled for a c-section 

unfortunately, you’re blood pressure sky-rocketed and you had to deliver your babies two weeks early

on the way to the hospital, your contractions were tearing you apart

during each shake and scream you gave, katsuki would hold your shoulder and let you dig your nails into his arms

he took it without complaint

it was like you were a different person when a contraction hit

you never complained about the pain, but he could tell you wanted it to end with how your head would fall like dead weight

never admits to the few tears that slipped past his cheeks

he never wanted to see you like this again 

when you make it to the hospital, they wheel you into the surgery room and he follows after

is relieved to see that you can no longer feel the contractions

in fact, even with all the IVs in you, you seem a lot better--more alert

he makes his way over to you 

“sorry for the car ride. i think i drooled. i probably looked gross. still do” you joke

he speaks in the softest voice you’ve ever heard, kiss your dry lips

“no baby, you look beauitful” 

and he means it

you do. you’re the most beautiful woman he knows

you feel a lot of pressure as they take the babies out, but once they do, the sounds of your children make you tear up

bakugo is frozen as he watches his babies, one boy one girl, get cleaned up

there’s a softness in the air as the nurses lay the boy on your chest and the girl in katsuki’s arms

your heart explodes with so much love that the heart monitor does a little jump that makes everyone laugh

but katsuki makes a pained expression before lowering himself so that his forehead rests beside your ear

he can’t tell what he’s feeling bc he’s felt love before but this was different

this was so overwhelming that it sent his knees buckling

you use your free hand to smooth down his hair as he cries 

“thank you” is all he’s able to say until the tears are gone

Todoroki Shouto:

when shouto looks back on one of the happiest days of his life, all he feels is shame and embarrassment 

he was just doing everything wrong that day

no thoughts, head empty

of course you had to go into labor the day he decided to take a tiny job 30 fucking minutes away from the hospital 

he made it to you in 20, he broke several laws to do it

when he gets to the hosptial, he can barely talk 

the nurses had to call you to make sure this crazy man was actually the father of your child

misses the baby floor twice

walks into the wrong room three times bc he forgot how to read

when he finally makes it to your room, he’s fed up with himself 

“what took you so long? the front desk called me, like, ten minutes ago”

“i don’t wanna talk about it”

“are you having an attitude with me right now? when i’m about to deliver your child?”

shouto: ☹️

shutting up was the smartest thing he did that day

when the 15th hour of labor hit and you were gripping your husband, screaming and rocking on your knees for any type of relief, todoroki was nearly begging you to take the drugs 

“sweetheart, please consider the epidural”

“no, shouto. i’m doing this without one”

“why do you want to suffer when technology and modern medicine--”

“todoroki shouto, you give me one more lesson about modern medicine and i’ll rip your quirk right out of you”

“i dont think that’s--”

the nurse finally chimes in: “sir, i mean this in the nicest way possible. shut up”

after 24 grueling hours, you’re pushing

it’s taking everything within shouto not to pass out from the blood, the screaming, and how tight you’re squeezing his hand 

the baby is out and crying her little head off

you’re happy it’s all over and shouto should be too

but he’s going over the past 48hrs and letting it confirm how he’s just not set up to be a father 

he’s almost grateful that you would hold her first bc he doesnt want to screw up more than he already has, but you have a different idea

understanding the emotions and self-doubt reflected on his face, you say 

“shouto, i want you to hold her first”

he’s shocked and starts his stuttering, but the nurse is already on it

“you heard mama, open your arms big guy”

once the nurse helps him find a good hold, todoroki doesnt even notice the tears falling down his cheeks

“look at you,” you sniff. “you’re a natural”

his eyes are wide with child-like wonder and he manages to give you a trembling smile 

“you think so?” you nod and he’s smiling so big, you wanna take a picture. “she’s so beautiful, just like her mother”

he leans down to kiss you 

wonders what he did in his past life to deserve the love he was given the chance to feel today

[the-bau-quinjet]

Memories, Pt. IV

Summary: You were captured by Hydra. What did they do to your memories?

Warnings: mentions of violence, panic attacks, torture

Word Count: 4878

a/n: The last part! I'm so sorry this took so long! I planned to have it done over the weekend, but life got in the way. Hopefully y'all like the ending though!

Masterlist

Series Masterlist

3 Months Ago

"Come back to me, okay?" Bucky pressed his forehead to yours, relishing in this moment.

"I promise. I love you" You give him a quick kiss before moving back to board the quinjet. He calls out his response just as the doors begin to close.

"I love you too!" Bucky watched the quinjet fly away, waiting until you were completely out of sight before he turned to go back inside.

He nearly ran through the building, the excitement and nervousness he was feeling rolling off him in waves. He nearly ran right past Steve before skidding to a stop, grabbing onto a wall to slow himself down.

"Hey Buck." Steve greeted him with a furrowed brow. Typically after you leave for a mission, Bucky spends the next week moping. "What's got you so happy with Y/N gone?"

"I need your help." Bucky grinned, so focused on his plans that he missed Sam and Tony walking into the room.

"With?" Steve prompted, eager to figure out why Bucky was behaving so strangely.

"Picking out a ring." Bucky stated confidently, earning gasps from all three men. He spun around, eyes widening in surprise to find Sam and Tony in the doorway.

"You're proposing?" Sam nearly squealed with delight.

"Do you need dinner reservations? I know a guy at L'Artusi, I could probably get you in the week she comes back even though reservations are booked months in advance. Oh! I need to get Pepper to start planning a party." Tony mumbled more to himself, thinking back to how he proposed to Pepper.

"Tony!" Bucky nearly had to scream to get the man's attention. "I appreciate the offer, really, but I don't think Y/N is a fancy restaurant, big party kind of gal." Bucky sighed, not having expected to share his proposal plan just yet.

Steve cut in before Tony could respond, knowing the billionaire would say something about everyone loving fancy restaurants. "Congrats, Buck. I'm happy for you."

"She hasn't said yes, yet." He mumbled in response, suddenly feeling a bit bashful at being the center of attention.

"She will. That girl is madly in love with you." Sam encouraged, but couldn't help adding in a playful joke. "For reasons unbeknownst to me."

"Thanks for the encouragement." Bucky rolled his eyes, turning back to Steve. "So will you help me?"

Steve nodded, happy to help in any way necessary. "Of course, did you have any ideas?"

"I'll help too!" Tony added in, inserting himself into the conversation. He held up a hand before either man could interject. "And before you say it'll be too much if I have any say, I'll just help you get the ring made and to you in a reasonable time."

Bucky smiled, about to thank Tony when Sam cut in again. "If he's helping, I want in too. You can't leave me out!" He whined.

"Fine. You can both help too. Just don't push it." He eyes Sam, knowing he would take any opportunity to mess with him.

"Did you have any ideas or did you want to go to a jeweler tomorrow?" Steve asked, trying to refocus the conversation.

"Actually, I have a few ideas." He took a deep breath, trying to prepare for any criticism the men would throw at him for his unusual choices. "Nothing too flashy, and I don't want a diamond."

Tony nearly fainted with how big of a gasp he took. "No diamond? But, but, diamonds! Diamonds are the best! She deserves diamonds!" He stomped his foot, nearly throwing a full on temper tantrum before Bucky jumped in again.

"You're absolutely right, she deserves the world." He smiled softly, just thinking about you. "I just don't think she would like a diamond." He tried to explain.

"Tony, Buck probably knows her best..." Steve cut in, trying to calm him down.

"Friday, call Natasha and Wanda to the kitchen." Tony sent out the command, receiving a response from the AI before anyone could protest.

"What are you doing? You can't tell them!" Bucky harshly whispered, knowing it wouldn't be long before the two women arrived.

Tony sighed dramatically, "Look. If you don't think she'd like a diamond, those two are going to be your best bet at figuring out what she would want."

Bucky opened his mouth to protest, but realized Tony was probably right. He hadn't made it much past his no diamond idea. "Fine, we can ask them for help." He resigned himself to everybody knowing his plans.

"Help with what?" Wanda asked as her and Nat strolled into the room, eyes slightly narrowed.

"What kind of engagement ring Y/N would like." Sam relished in the surprise that overtook their faces.

Nat recovered in seconds, scoffing immediately. "Well, definitely not a diamond."

"You're right. Too flashy for her." Wanda immediate went into planning mode.

Steve clapped Bucky on the back, reassuring him that he was on the right track.

"Yeah, Romeo over here already ruined my plans with that idea." Tony huffed. "What kind of stone then?"

They all spent the next few hours debating between opal, amethyst, sapphire, and sunstone. Then another few hours debating the shape and style of the stone and band. By the time the entire ring design had been settled, the sun was rising the next morning.

"I'll send the plans to my jeweler. You should have it in hand a few days before Y/N is due to get back." Tony stated, happy that you would be receiving the best money could buy.

"Thank you. All of you." Bucky turned to look at the people who had become family to him. "I really appreciate the help."

"Now we just need to plan the proposal." Nat smirked, a teasing glint in her eyes.

"Nope. That is for me to know, and Y/N to tell you if she says yes." Bucky smiled, glad he had already planned how he was going to ask you.

"I'll worm it out of you. You know I will!" Sam narrowed his eyes, ready to start his barrage of questions when Friday cut into the conversation.

"We have lost tracking capabilities on the quinjet. Communication with onboard agents has failed. Enacting emergency personnel tracking protocols."

Everyone froze, anticipating Friday's next announcement. In seconds, they would all know if you were okay or if you were missing.

"Tracking failed. Agent L/N's whereabouts unknown."

They all took off to the lab, Bucky leading the way despite not knowing how to use the technology to try and find you.

Tony started asking questions: what was the jet's last known location? Did any of the tech onboard fail? Was another aircraft present in the vicinity? Were missiles involved? Any heat signature information from before it went offline?

Each question asked did little to calm Bucky's racing heart. It felt like his world was collapsing, his future falling apart right before his eyes.

"We have to find her." He whispered more to himself than anyone else in the room. "We have to."

-

Present

"Where's Y/N?" Bucky asked as he sat down in the debriefing room. Everyone else was already there, waiting for Tony to explain why he called the impromptu meeting.

"She's... She's in the med bay." Immediately Bucky was out of his chair, ready to run to you. "Barnes. You need to hear this before you go. She's fine, she just had a panic attack and passed out."

"Fine? You call that fine?" He was nearly raging, pushing to get back to the door.

"Relatively, yeah. Look, just trust me on this. We'll all go see her when I've filled you in." Tony sighed, knowing it wasn't going to be easy to explain what you told him.

"Filled us in on what?" Nat questioned first, honing in on Tony's distressed state.

"Y/N." He stated simply, finally getting Bucky to listen to him.

"What do you mean, Y/N? You just said she was fine!" His words cut through the room. He just got you back, he couldn't lose you again.

"Physically, she is. Would you just sit down?" Tony practically begged, trying his best not to break down at the memory of the pain in your eyes.

Bucky stomped back to his seat, giving Tony his undivided attention and gesturing for him to continue.

"I ran into her last night. Literally. She was running through the halls. It looked like she had just seen a ghost." He ran a hand through his hair, struggling to contain his emotions.

"I figured she was just having flashbacks to being held captive, so I made her talk to me." He closed his eyes, unable to look everyone in the eye as he continued his explanation.

"I should've noticed sooner. She wasn't acting right. I just thought it was PTSD. I-" Steve cut him off this time.

"Tony. What happened?"

"She wasn't making any sense. She said she didn't belong here, that she wasn't who we thought she was." Confusion grew on everyone's faces as Tony explained your breakdown. "Said she wasn't an Avenger. She was a murderer."

"The experiments..." Nat mumbled to herself, putting the pieces together as Tony continued explaining what happened.

"Long story short, she thinks she made a bomb that killed 38 people and that she was in prison for 3 years before we broke her out and brought her here." He took a deep breath, letting his words sink in for everyone.

"She was mumbling about experiments." Nat said louder now that Tony was done. "In the kitchen. She said they would bring her to another room sometimes, but it looked like it hurt for her to remember. They must've messed with her head."

Bucky could barely breathe. You strange behavior suddenly made sense. Your surprise at being part of the Avengers, not wanting to tell him what was bothering you, leaving bed before he woke up, not telling him you loved him. It all started making more sense.

"We have to tell her the truth."

-

While everyone was trying to come up with the best plan to help you with your memories, you woke up in the med bay alone.

You were surprised to have been left alone after admitting to your crimes, but you took the opportunity to finish what you started: running away.

You quickly found your way to the elevator hoping you could remember which floor would lead to an exit. As you snuck down the halls, you could hear voices coming from one of the rooms.

"We have to tell her the truth."

You felt your heart flutter at the sound of Bucky's voice. He had been so kind to you. it felt wrong to just leave him, but you didn't see another choice. You couldn't bear the thought of looking him in the eye now that Tony likely told him about your past.

You quickly made your way back to the elevator, figuring a different floor would be better suited for your escape.

You ultimately made it outside, deciding to forego any vehicles you passed. They could probably be tracked. Instead, you took off through the woods.

-

It wasn't long before Bucky got tired of debating how best to fix your memories. He needed to see you. He needed to know you were alright.

"Look, call Shuri and T'Challa. See if they can come here to help her." Bucky headed for the door, not waiting for a response before making his way to you.

Everyone but Tony, who was calling T'Challa, quickly followed his hasty exit.

When they arrived to the med bay, it was empty.

"Where is she?" Sam questioned, causing everyone to glance around the room.

Tony walked in as everyone searched the multitude of beds, making sure you were in fact not in the room.

"You said she was in the med bay." Bucky glared, waiting for Tony to explain.

"She was." He glanced around the room as well, confused by your absence. "She passed out, so I brought her here. They gave her a sedative to calm her heart rate. She should still be sleeping."

"She's not here." Bucky stopped moving, the realization causing a mixture of anger and panic to course through him. "She's not here." He repeats it louder, causing everyone else to freeze as well.

"Friday, where is Y/N?" Tony asked the AI, knowing it was a waste to search the compound.

"She left the Med Bay 23 minutes ago, briefly stopping outside the debriefing room before exiting the building from the garage." The AI easily recounted your quick escape.

"Are there any cars missing?" Tony followed up, figuring you'd be easy enough to track.

"All vehicles are accounted for."

"She's on foot. Friday, which direction did she go?" Bucky asked, barely waiting for a response as he ran from the room.

"I can track her movements via security footage east until she hits the woods."

Tony, Sam, Nat, Wanda, Steve, Vision, and Clint all followed right behind Bucky as he ran out of the compound.

Bucky and Nat headed east, following Friday's information. Everyone else split up, figuring it'd be best to cover all directions since you could have doubled back or gotten turned around in the woods.

-

You weren't sure how long you had been on the move, but you had made it about 3.5 miles when you found what looked like an abandoned treehouse.

With the sun setting and the exhaustion of waking up in a hospital bed catching up to you, you figured it'd be best for you to stop and rest for the night.

Hopefully you made it far enough to avoid detection for now. Ideally, they wouldn't start the manhunt for you until morning.

You climbed into the treehouse slowly, trying to distribute your weight over the creaking and breaking floorboards. You settled in the corner, propping yourself against the walls to keep an eye on the door.

Eventually, you drifted off to sleep, the sounds of frogs croaking and crickets chirping invading your senses.

Your sleep was restless, plagued by memories of a life you barely remembered, memories that felt more like a dream than reality.

-

Nat and Bucky tracked you through the woods methodically. Every snapped twig or partial footprint lead them in your direction. The sun set early in their search, but it did little to deter their efforts.

A few hours after dark, they approached the abandoned treehouse you camped out in.

Even twenty yards away, they could hear your whispered screams.

"No. No, no, no. No, please. Stop. Bucky, help me. Please don't. Please." You begged.

Bucky's heart broke at the sound of pain in your voice. It killed him to know you were begging for him while Hydra was removing him from your memory.

He climbed the ladder of the treehouse rapidly, not paying any mind to the creaking floors and breaking boards. He rushed to you in the corner, pulling you into his arms as he tried to wake you up.

"Y/N, I'm here. I've got you. You're safe. I'm here now." He whispered into your neck, rocking you back and forth.

"Bucky?" You squinted in confusion, eyes adjusting to the dark.

"I've got you, doll. You're safe now." He easily replied, trying to calm you from your nightmares.

"No, Bucky. I- I killed people." You sobbed, your hands burying themselves into his shirt.

"No, doll. Y/N, that's not real." He repeated your name, trying to convince you of the truth. "Hydra, they messed with your memories. We can fix it."

"But, no- I hurt people." You were shaking, trying to explain even though you'd rather give in.

"Please trust me. Let's go back to the compound. We can figure it all out. We'll get your memories back, I promise." He held you in his arms in an unwavering grip, afraid if he let you go you would disappear. "Come back to me, okay?"

"I promise. I love you." You whispered the words more to yourself, trying to figure out why they came to mind. Images flashed through your mind; saying goodbye to Bucky, boarding a jet, being attacked in the air, Hydra.

"I'll come with you." Your voice was shaky, still unsure of what was true.

Bucky quickly lead you out of the treehouse, regrouping with Nat on the ground.

"Good?" Nat questioned, trying to prepare for if you ran.

"Good, for now." Bucky replied, scooping you into his arms to carry you back to the compound.

- You woke up to voices, patches of light flickering across your closed eyelids.

"Can you do it?" You recognized Bucky, but the responding voice was only vaguely familiar.

"I can. It will take some time, but it does not appear to be as severe as your own memory problems." His memory problems? What was she talking about?

"Shuri, you're a genius." Shuri, the name triggered something in your mind, but it's like you can't put the pieces together.

"I know. Now let me get to work." She shooed him out of the lab as your world faded to black yet again.

-

Bucky sat beside your bed the second Shuri allowed him to. If it weren't for Steve bringing him food, he wouldn't have eaten anything in the day and a half you've been asleep.

"Buck, you've got to rest." Steve tried for the fifteenth time to get his friend to sleep.

"I can't. Steve, if I sleep and she's not here when I wake up..." He trailed off, unable to put to words the pain of losing you again.

"I'll stay with her. She'll be here when you wake up, I promise." Steve sighed.

"You'll stay?" His voice was small, his body's need for sleep finally overpowering his concern for you.

"Promise." Steve nodded, pulling a chair to sit next to your bed while Bucky laid down in the hospital bed next to yours. "I would've preferred a real bed, but I'll take it."

"Good, because I'm not going anywhere." Bucky closed his eyes, knowing he had to at least try to sleep to avoid another scolding from Steve.

A few hours later, Steve couldn't help but smile as he watched Bucky finally get some rest. Even asleep in a different bed, his body was angled toward yours.

"Steve?" Your voiced cracked, throat dry from crying and lack of use.

"Y/N?" He sat up instantly, moving to pass you a glass of water.

"What the hell happened? Where's Buck?" You questioned, feeling as though your brain was a pile of mush.

"What's the last thing you remember?" Steve avoided your questions for the time being, subtly pulling out his phone to message Shuri.

"The mission. The quinjet was attacked. Hydra took me captive." You slowly put the pieces together. "But you saved me. Bucky saved me. Right?" You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to clear up the memories.

"That's right. Do you remember anything else?" Steve probed gently, unsure of how to tell you about the last few days.

"Um, there was a lab in the basement. They brought me there sometimes. I think..." Everything in your head felt incomplete, like you only knew part of the story.

"You're awake." A feminine voice called from the door to the med bay, causing you and Steve to turn your heads.

"Shuri! It's so good to see you." You pull her in for a hug as soon as she's close enough to your bed. "What are you doing here?"

Shuri eyes you suspiciously, willing you to remember everything with just her stare. "You'll remember soon enough. What do you remember from the past few days?"

"Um, where do you want me to start? I was just telling Steve, I left for the mission, but the jet was attacked and I was captured. I think Hydra must've tried to do experiments on me or something, I remember a lab." Your whole body shook, shivering from the bad memory.

"Good. It's good you remember that." Shuri nodded, a confident smile on her face. "What about after you were rescued?"

You thought back to that moment, but it was a little fuzzy. "Bucky... Bucky was there. He carried me out." Suddenly, an even more urgent thought popped into your head. "Oh my God. Where's Bucky?"

Steve gestured to your left, pointing out a sleeping Bucky in the bed next to yours. He always looked so peaceful while he slept.

You couldn't stop the grin from forming on your face as you watched him. You couldn't imagine how he was feeling while you were gone.

"Messages." You whispered. "I remember listening to messages from Bucky. He- He must've left them while he was looking for me, while you were all looking for me." Your eyebrow furrowed in confusion.

"Y/N?" Steve questioned, drawing you back to the present. "What is it?"

"I'm not sure." You shook your head, as if the action in itself would clear your mind. "I remember how I felt when I listened to the messages and it doesn't make any sense."

"How did you feel?" Shuri questioned, eager to see if she gave you back all of your memories, including the past few days.

"Guilty? I think." You replayed the messages in your head as best as you could remember.

"What do you mean guilty?' Steve questioned.

"Like they weren't really for me. Like I wasn't actually me." You looked at Steve and Shuri as they shared a look. "What are you not telling me?"

"I'll leave this one to you, Captain. She is healing nicely." Shuri turned to you before she walked out of the room. "You should understand everything in a few hours. Just give your mind time to put the pieces together."

"Steve, what is she talking about?" You settled a hard glare in his direction, knowing he knew more than you.

"Let me ask you this: do you know how long you were gone?" Steve sighed, unsure how exactly to explain everything.

"About 3 months. I tried to keep a tally while I was there, based on the daily routine." You responded easily.

"Well, when we found you, although we didn't know it at the time, you thought you had been there for 3 years." Steve looked like he was about to continue when you interrupted.

"38 people. I thought I killed 38 people." Suddenly, the pieces were falling into place. "They made me forget who I was. Erased my past and gave me a new one." Your breathing was speeding up as everything came back to you.

"Y/N, hey, look at me." Steve nearly commanded causing you to meet his eye. "You're safe now. We've got you."

You nodded, matching your breathing to his pace to settle your racing heart.

"How long has Buck been asleep." You looked at his sleeping form, wanting more than anything to wake him up.

"A few hours. Ya know, it's good to hear you calling him Buck again." Steve looked at his friend as well, knowing he would be furious that he was still asleep when you were now awake.

"What do you mean?" You turned back to Steve, the question clear on your face.

"The past few days, I mean we all thought it was PTSD." He ran a hand through his hair, guilt clearly playing at his emotions. "Well, not Nat. She knew something was up."

"Of course." You chuckled.

"You called him Bucky every time you talked to him."

"Isn't that normal though?" You were more confused now than before.

"No, not really. You use a lot more pet names than you realize. Plus, you didn't say 'I love you' when you woke up." Steve sighed, again upset at not putting it together sooner.

"Well, that should've been a dead giveaway." You joked, but Steve's eyes remained sad. "Hey, it's not your fault. I'm fine now. That's all that matters."

"I'm glad to have you back." He looked at you with so much sincerity, you nearly started crying again.

Before you could respond Bucky groaned, stretching as he woke up.

"Damn, that was a good nap. How long was I out?" He asked before opening his eyes.

"Oh, just a few hours. You should really sleep more." You answered casually.

"Y/N, you know I can't sleep when- Y/N!" His eyes popped open comically wide as he nearly threw himself out of the bed.

"I love you." You said it so clearly he froze next to your bed.

"You remember?" He asked, voice full of hope.

"I do." The tears pooled in your eyes again as you watched his body visibly relax.

"I missed you so much, doll." You pulled him on top of you in the bed, needing to hold him as close as possible.

"I missed you too. I knew you'd come for me." You smiled through the tears, breathing in his scent.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm sorry it took so long. I'm sorry I didn't realize everything sooner. I'm so sorry." He apologized over and over.

"Look at me." He moved his head back just far enough to look you in the eye. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Not one single thing. Okay?"

"But-" His protests were quickly cut off.

"Not. One. Single. Thing." You stared him down until he nodded.

The two of you cuddled in your hospital bed while Steve went to update everyone on your condition. He could've just had Friday announce it, but he wanted to give you and Bucky a minute to yourselves.

"I've got a date planned for you." Bucky smiled cheekily.

"Oh really?" He nodded. "Care to share with the room?"

"Nope. It's a surprise." He shared a small smile, the love he felt so easily portrayed through his eyes.

"I love you. So much." You couldn't help but blurt it out one more time before everyone barged into the room.

"I love you too."

-

"We're going to be late." Bucky huffed, waiting for you to leave the bathroom.

"Well, if you had told me where we were going it would've been easier to pick an outfit." You teased him back. He had never been good at keeping secrets from you, so the fact that your date destination was still a surprise shocked you.

"I told you to wear whatever you want. You always look beautiful." He relished in the bashful smile that you covered with a playful roll of your eyes.

"Yeah, whatever. I'm ready now Mr. Impatient." You grabbed his hand as you walked out of your bathroom.

"Good, let's go." He guided you to the kitchen where he stopped to grab a picnic basket. He then lead you hand in hand to a blanket set up by the lake.

"We were going to be late for a picnic?" You questioned, fixing Bucky with a teasing glare.

"Not the picnic. The sunset." He teased back, turning your head to look out over the water.

You hadn't realized the sun was already in the midst of setting. "It's beautiful." You smiled as you stared at the horizon, the ultimate picture of peace and tranquility.

"Y/N, I've been in love with you for so long, I can't remember what it was like before I met you." Bucky kept his eyes trained on you as you took in the pink and orange hues of the setting sun.

"That's just because you have a bad memory." You joked, but your breath caught in your throat when you turned to look at him.

"Maybe so, but I don't want to remember any part of my life that you weren't in." He stated from his kneeling position. "I knew from the second you agreed to get dinner with me that I would ask you to marry me someday."

He pulled a small velvet box from his pocket, opening it to reveal a teardrop cut sunstone ring, small diamonds set along the band.

"Y/N, will you marry me?"

You shook your head up and down as you willed your voice to answer him.

"Yes. Bucky, I- yes."

He slipped the ring onto your finger, silently thanking Nat and Wanda for knowing your ring size. He then pulled you down into his lap, pressing a series of quick kisses to your lips between smiles.

"I love you so much, doll." He whispered, pressing kisses to your cheeks, nose, and forehead.

"I love you too, Bucky." You responded in kind. "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you."

He cuddle you closer, sliding the picnic basket next to you. "Let's start with dinner."

"I think I might be too excited to eat." He laughed at your pout.

"Well, if we hadn't of been late, you would've eaten before sunset." He smiled at your carefree laughter.

You looked out over the lake one more time, taking in the dusk sky as the sun swiftly dipped below the horizon.

"It was perfect just like this. You're perfect." You kissed him again, unable to contain the utter joy you were feeling.

"I'm hardly perfect." He objected.

"You're perfect to me." You countered.

"I love you. So much." He whispered one final time before kissing you again.

"I love you too."

Permanent taglist:

@averyhotchner @jesuswasnotawhiteman

Memories taglist:

@otherglowcloud @dontxfearxthereaper

[wanderinginksplot]

Hiya, I was wondering if I could please request 3 (Echo) with B+O (Injury/sickness recovery + first kiss)? I don’t really mind who’s in recovery or whether it’s 501st echo/bad batch echo, I just thought these prompts would lead nicely into a confession between our two main characters; also I just want to say I love your writing!! ❤️

Aww, thank you so much for the request and for being so kind, Anon! Sorry this took forever, but I’ve been stuck in an idea block for a week or two, and I ended up writing about four different versions of this. You’re very sweet, but you probably shouldn’t be nice to me, because apparently, it makes me write one-shots that are way too long. So here’s a 2700 word one-shot...

Also! It ended up being a tad spicy toward the end. Nothing anywhere close to M-rating, but more than I usually write in one-shots.

Echo + Injury/Sickness Recovery + First Kiss

The first time you met Echo, you didn't like him very much.

You were in the medbay for a sickness that was taking Coruscant by storm, hitting nat-born GAR members especially hard. As a nat-born intelligence officer, you had been ordered to the GAR's main medbay, which had been sub-divided into large bays full of cots. Almost every cot was filled with GAR personnel who needed treatment for the same sickness.

It wouldn't have been bad if you had been able to take the meds right away and start the healing process, but you had been on a dangerous mission and fought the sickness off for longer than you should have. It had worked and you had survived your mission, but you were severely dehydrated. The medics - all clone troopers, by that point - had ordered you to stay until you were fully healed and they could get your fluid levels back where they should have been. Faced with no other options, you had agreed.

And then the 501st had arrived. 

Through your IV, you had gotten through half a bag of a liquid you preferred not to think too hard about. The medics promised that your meds would be kicking in soon, and you would feel much better before the day was over. For the moment, you felt nauseated and every part of your body ached, especially your head.

When the troopers came in, their white armor painted with blue accents in various styles, they were so loud that the rest of the medbay went quiet. 

One of the medics, his hair shaved short to show off a set of intricate tattoos, hurried up to them as he pulled off his gloves. You could hear his hissed question from your bed on the other side of the large room. "What are you idiots doing here?"

One of the men beamed at him. "We're in trouble!"

You scoffed to yourself. You had no difficulty believing they had gotten on someone's bad side. 

The tattooed medic rubbed his temples. "Hardcase… what did you guys do now?"

You had heard stories about the rowdy 501st from other operatives. They were supposed to be a nightmare to work alongside, all explosions and heroics without any grasp of subtlety. 

One of the other men stepped forward and seemed to be offering an explanation, but he did it in a voice pitched low enough that you couldn't hear him. You were grateful for that, and did your best to fall asleep.

It wasn't to be, however, as one of the 501st made his way down the row of beds in your direction. He chatted with some of the other patients, laughing loudly at their responses. By the time he reached you, you could have cheerfully put a blaster to the 5 tattooed on his temple.

"And how are you doing today?" the trooper belted out. 

"In a lot of pain, actually," you snapped at him, a visceral response to the effect his voice had on your roiling stomach. "Can you please talk more quietly?"

There. A please. You were being polite.

"If I'm quiet, does that mean I can stay over here with you, pretty lady?" he asked with a wink, settling onto the foot of your bed.

You eyed him stonily. You felt revolting from the effects of the sickness, and you were wearing a GAR-issued medical gown besides. ‘Pretty’ was an attempt at flattery, and not even a believable one.

"Fives," the medic with the head tattoos admonished, stepping up to your bedside as well. "Stop. She doesn't feel well and she doesn't need you hanging around, making it worse."

"Me?" Fives asked, sounding both shocked and offended. "We both know I only make things better, Kix."

You sighed and wished with your whole soul that they would both go away. You just wanted to sleep.

"Besides," Fives continued, "We were ordered to help in the medbay. You wouldn't want me to disobey orders, would you?"

From the look on Kix's face, he had lined up a scathing retort that you were dying to hear, but you needed to make a brief announcement. "If this conversation continues right here, I am going to vomit."

You had never seen two grown men move so quickly. You would have smiled if you didn't feel so rotten. 

"Echo," Kix called softly with a worried glance in your direction, beckoning yet another trooper over.

This one had no tattoos, but you vaguely recognized him as the only trooper you hadn't been able to overhear earlier.

"Get Fives away from here," Kix ordered. "Keep him productive and occupied, but don't let him talk."

Echo nodded and gave you an apologetic nod. "I'm sorry about him," he said, indicating Fives, who looked deeply offended.

"Please," was the only response you could muster, cradling your head delicately in your hands. From the bit of your peripheral vision that wasn’t blocked by your palms, you watched his shoulders slump slightly as he towed his brother away. When you finally fell asleep, your dreams were full of Echo’s disappointed face along with strong feelings of guilt.

The second time you met him was only a few hours later. You were having fever dreams. The medication had apparently worn off and no one had noticed. In your dreams, you had called a medic over a dozen times, but you always woke to find that you hadn’t said a thing, and fell asleep again before you could.

It was one of these shallow, fitful dreams that Echo interrupted. “Hey. Hey! Shhh, you’re having a nightmare. Wake up.”

Thoroughly confused by the world of the surrounding medbay, you squinted up at him. “Echo?” He nodded and you launched right into the speech you had prepared in your sleep. “I’m sorry I was rude earlier. I just… my head hurt, and you guys are loud, and-”

“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” Echo assured you, crouching by your bedside to put himself on your level. “The 501st - and Fives in particular - is very loud. It’s our best quality.”

You snorted at that and Echo’s kind face broke into a warm smile. “You should get back to sleep. It’s really late. Or early. I’m not sure which, but everyone else is asleep, and you should be, too.”

“I think I need some meds, actually,” you admitted. “I feel like death.”

Echo frowned and reached up to brush his fingers over your forehead, flinching back almost immediately. “Kriff, you’re burning up! Hang on, let me grab a medic for you.”

You nodded, but grabbed his wrist before he could leave, “If you bring me some water, I’ll love you forever.”

It was just a childish hyperbole, something you and your family had said whenever you had asked for a favor, particularly a minor one. Echo didn’t seem to have the same connection with it, based on the way he had frozen in place and was staring at you with wide eyes that flashed between your face and your grip on his wrist.

Clearing your throat, you released him and corrected yourself. “I mean, please? I’m very thirsty.”

Echo turned around a moment later and you sighed, hoping your hot face looked like the flush of a fever.

You were half-drowsing when Echo came back with Kix in tow. You jumped a bit when Kix said your name, and Echo was quick to soothe you. “Easy, easy. It’s just us.”

He handed you the biggest glass of water you had ever seen and retreated halfway across the medbay before you had chugged half of it.

The next day, you were actually feeling better. Granted, ‘better’ was a relative term, but you didn’t actively want to die any more, and that was something. The only thing messing up your day was the lingering awkwardness between you and Echo. Every time his circuit around the room took him past your cot, he would avoid your eyes. 

From your calculations, he looped around the gigantic medbay room every six minutes or so. On his next lap past, you softly asked, “Echo?”

You had meant to be subtle and quiet, but you were still a bit less hydrated than you should have been, and it came out as a horrifying croak. If someone had called your name in that voice, you would have immediately run away, but Echo just turned slightly and looked your direction.

“I’m sorry for last night,” you apologized.

“You already said that,” Echo reminded you gently. “The 501st is loud. I understand why you weren’t happy with us.”

“Not about that,” you forced out, half-wishing you could just let him think you had been delirious with fever and thus not responsible for anything you had said or done. “I mean that I’m sorry for saying the whole love you forever thing. It was a joke, but I feel like it landed poorly.”

“There’s no need, really,” Echo told you. He smiled then, a small sad smile. “We clones don’t get to see much good in the universe. Not with this war going on. Even though you were joking, it was nice to hear something like that.”

You stared at him, trying to keep the poker face the GAR had hired you for.

“Besides,” Echo said with a laugh, “if you want to see how a bad joke really sounds, hang out with Fives for a few minutes. You’ll have plenty of opportunity to see the difference!”

You chuckled at that and the smile he gave lit his whole face as he continued his patrol. You watched Echo leave, thinking hard. It was ironic that this was the conversation where your heart had melted just a touch. It wasn’t love, not yet, but this third exchange left feelings that were inappropriate considering that you had known him for less than a day.

That night, you couldn’t sleep, betrayed by all of the napping you had done during the day. Echo was patrolling the room again and noticed you on his fourth lap.

He crouched by your bedside once again. “Can’t sleep?”

“Nope,” you admitted with a sigh. “Can you?”

Echo frowned. “I can, but I’m on watch right now.”

“On watch,” you repeated skeptically. “For what?”

“Someone has to make sure the patients are doing okay while the medics sleep,” he explained. “It’s a very important job.”

“Your brothers are all playing sabacc in the corner,” you pointed out. “Go join them. Or, better yet, get some sleep. I haven’t seen you take a break yet.”

“You were unconscious for over half of the day,” Echo reminded you. “I could have been on break then.”

“You weren’t,” you told him confidently. “Because you wouldn’t have known that I slept the whole time.”

Echo frowned. “You’re too smart to work for the army.”

“Intelligence officer,” you explained simply. 

Lifting his eyebrows in exaggerated shock, Echo leapt to his feet and gave a dramatic salute. You pretended to aim a kick in his direction and you both dissolved into muffled giggles in an attempt not to wake any of the other patients.

“If you won’t try to sleep, at least sit down?” you requested, indicating the foot of your cot as you struggled to sit up so you could move out of his way. “You’re stressing me out. I can’t be expected to get better if I’m stressed.”

“We can’t have that,” Echo teased. He helped you sit up before he did anything else, but the awkwardness of the position left him hauling you up by your armpits. You were thankful that you had found the strength to walk to the sonic shower that day, at least. “Not like I can get sick from you, anyway.”

Echo sat talking with you for hours, even after his brothers had all drifted off at their sabacc table. Before you fell asleep again, he brought you another giant glass of water. You accepted it with a smile. “Thank you, I really appreciate it.”

He nodded and left so you could get some sleep. By the time you had finished the glass, he was on the other side of the medbay and couldn’t hear you mutter, “Love you forever.”

For the next few days, Echo lived by your bedside. The conversations you had made you laugh so hard that you went into the occasional coughing fit and got the evil eye from Kix. So, you were less pleased than you had expected to be when Kix told you that you could be discharged the following day.

That night, you couldn’t sleep. Getting your sleep pattern back under control was going to be the biggest struggle, you reflected, staring at the massive beams supporting the ceiling.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” Echo teased, walking up. “Shouldn’t you be asleep?”

You waved a hand around dramatically. “I’m trying to commit these beautiful surroundings to memory. If I’m leaving tomorrow, I’ll need to remember the enchanting way the dust clings to that wall over there.”

Suddenly serious, Echo asked, “You’re leaving tomorrow?”

You nodded, and couldn’t tell if it was your imagination, or if he really looked disappointed. Still, he mustered a smile. “I’m glad.”

With a falsely offended gasp, you replied, “You’re glad I’m leaving? That’s rude!”

“No, I mean-!” Echo sputtered, grimacing at you when you started to laugh. “I’m glad you’re getting better. Even if you’re just as mean as the day I met you.”

“Yeah, I’m terrible,” you agreed with a grin. 

“You are not,” he countered immediately. “You’re sweet and funny and- I’ll miss you. Selfish, huh?”

“I’ll miss you, too,” you admitted. “I guess we’re both selfish. But, hey, you’ll finally get some sleep now!”

“I suppose I will,” Echo said with the ghost of his usual smile. “At least we can have one last overnight conversation. Unless you’re too tired?”

You rolled your eyes at him. “Sit down, Echo.”

The two of you talked for hours that night. The medbay steadily got more silent and your eyes began to ache. Try as you might, you were still recovering from your illness and the point came when you couldn’t fight it off any longer. You fell into a light doze as Echo was talking.

You were dimly aware as he finished his sentence and waited for a response, but you couldn’t make yourself say anything. Echo gave an amused sounding hum and stood from your cot. You immediately missed his warmth, but felt like he was still standing by you.

Soft lips pressed against your forehead and left as Echo started to move away. “What was that cop-out bantha dung?” you asked blearily. 

Echo jumped a bit and stared down at you, but you were half-asleep, impulsive, and you knew what you wanted. You sat up to grab his shoulders and brought him back down to you, kissing him with as much fervor as an extremely tired person could muster.

He kissed you back, opening his mouth to release an almost-soundless groan, and you were suddenly wide awake. With both of you actively participating in your embrace, it didn’t take long for the pair of you to get carried away. 

When you finally broke apart, it was only because someone had cleared their throat sharply. 

Echo pulled back, bracing on his forearms to look up at Kix while you peered at the medic from under Echo’s chest. When had he gotten on top of you? His hip brushed against your upper thigh and you abruptly didn’t care anymore.

“I take it you’re well enough to be released from here?” Kix asked, a raised brow accentuating his smirk. 

You glanced around to find that half of the medbay was awake and staring at you and Echo with expressions ranging from bleary bewilderment to amused approval. Some of Echo’s brothers were awake as well, though their faces ran heavily to outright shock.

“Uh, yeah. I’m ready to go home,” you agreed, glancing up at Echo. “Wanna come with me?”

Echo nodded and glanced up at Kix. The medic shrugged and looked at the ceiling. “No, I have no idea where Echo went. He worked several around the chrono shifts and then he disappeared. I assume he went to get some well-deserved rest. Sign here.”

The last part was directed at you and you obligingly scrawled your name on the datapad he was holding out in your direction. 

“Your personal effects are in the front room,” Kix informed you. “Drink some water now and then, would you?”

“Of course, thanks,” you said absently, attention already stolen away by the fascinating blush creeping up Echo’s cheeks. You slipped out from under him and grabbed his hand to tow him behind you. “C’mon. You’re gonna love my apartment.”

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A/N - ahh, why did this end up being such a novel? Sorry about that! If you want to read similar works, check out my masterlist or make a request based on this post (or make something up and I’ll do my best!). Thanks for reading!