#you have to find a way to be like i cant possibly understand this objectively or accurately

[cruelsister-moved2]

this is why i advocate philosophy and whimsy for the bairns because its so important to get comfortable with being like wow this question is unanswerable and YET i must decide on a working answer in order to hesitantly proceed in the way that feels most practicable. idk the part of your brain that allows you to do that is underdeveloped in social media users i fear

[neobora]

a definitive guide to actually fulfilling your desires

"i affirm and persist all day long but nothing is working!!"

"i ignored the 3d for a week straight and did xyz whenever i could but nothing happened"

stop forcing yourself to work for your manifestations. you can do tons of methods and challenges and still see zero change in the 3d. why? because states manifest. it‘s that easy.

now, when you affirm and visualize on loop to get your desires without success in what state do you find yourself?

in a state of lack. you are affirming to GET. you should never feel like you have to WORK for your manifestations.

"Ideas are impressed on the subconscious through the medium of feeling. No idea can be impressed on the subconscious until it is felt, but once felt - be it good, bad or indifferent - it must be expressed. Feeling is the one and only medium through which ideas are conveyed to the subconscious." - Neville Goddard (Feeling is the Secret)

THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO DO IN ORDER TO GET YOUR DESIRES IS TO FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE THEM. FULFILL THEM MENTALLY. read that again. you have to FEEL like you already have them. nothing else. everything else will follow.

"The subconscious never fails to express that which has been impressed upon it. The moment it receives an impression, it begins to work out the ways of its expression. It accepts the feeling impressed upon it, your feeling, as a fact existing within itself and immediately sets about to produce in the outer or objective world the exact likeness of that feeling. The subconscious never alters the accepted beliefs of man." - Neville Goddard (Feeling is the Secret)

isn't that amazing? you can genuinely have or be ANYTHING, yes, anything, just by feeling. and it will ALWAYS be expressed into the outer world as long as you fulfill it in the inner world ( -> your imagination).

now how do we go on about this?

first of all you need to actually realize that YOU ARE THE ONLY CREATOR. the only cause. everything you see in the 3d is dependent on your beliefs and ideas. you do not have to be anything you don’t want to be. you are consciousness moving through states. read that again. engrain it into your beliefs.

i recommend doing this meditation by edwartart. it really helped me realize that i don‘t actually need to see anything in the outer world, but can instead just experience it in my imagination. and as we learned earlier, "once it is felt, it must be expressed."

this is also why you really shouldn’t care about your 3d. you dont have to ignore it, but you should never identify with the outer world. you are pure consciousness. live in your imagination as much as possible, as imagination is reality. thoughts manifest -> the dominant feeling manifests.

and instead of consuming even more posts about manifesting, go try it out. you dont even have to meditate, just close your eyes and remove the outer world from existence. then be the person you want to be. experience living as that person. you‘ll soon realize that it‘s incredibly easy to manifest and you‘ll also automatically stop caring about the 3d when you reach the state of fulfillment.

and don’t say you "cant get into a state". once you get rid of that mental blockage and ALLOW yourself to feel and experience it‘s genuinely SO EASY. don’t force it! if it doesn’t feel good you’re probably imagining something you don’t really want. try imagining your heart‘s desires. imagining is so fun. do it whenever you can, when you’re waiting for the bus, taking a break etc.

read this post again if you need to. actually understand it.

now go live in your imagination. fulfill all your desires mentally and you‘ll soon realize the 3d automatically catches up without you having to lift a finger. the life of your dreams is literally just waiting for you to experience it!

~neo

[apolloslyrics]

Hiii, I just wanted to say that I love your page so much and how in depth you explain things <3

I've been obsessed with Greek mythology for some time now and last week I discovered that they actually exist and that people worship them. You can imagine my excitement hahshah. So, I felt drawn to mostly Apollo and Aphrodite but I'm working more with Apollo. So far he's helped me sooo much already and he's always there when I call him for help or just to vent. And even though I can feel his presence and I've seen some signs I've been an atheist for my whole life and it's just so strange for me to just sit alone in my room talking to the air (as I said even though I feel like he's listening to me) or offering something and just leaving it there. I'll probably get used to it but I don't know if you could give me some advice. Oh and also what are some ways I can communicate with Apollo (or deities in general) ?? Because I just talk to them and id like to receive a response I can understand or like ask more specific questions if that makes sense??

Anyways sorry for the long message and thank you for your time 💖

Hey hi!!! Don't worry about the long message. I love getting asks!! Also, thank you so so much 🥺 I'm glad you enjoy my page!

I totally get the excitement you're feeling; I felt a similar way, although my progress was slow to get to where I am now. Finding out that these deities truly are there, and that they listen, is something so surreal! It still fills me with amazement, even though I've been practicing for a while.

Feeling awkward when you start out with prayer and offerings is a totally normal experience. I felt that way for a long time; the number one tip I'd have for you is to find something that represents the deity you're talking to. Whether it be a candle dedicated to them (LED or otherwise), a statue, a picture, or even just a random object, this can help a lot with materializing your deity. By that, I mean that it's easier to communicate when you have something to look at visually. My favorite way to do this is with a candle; the way the flame moves can sometimes indicate a response from said deity. However, I don't always light my candles; talking to deities comes easier with time and dedication.

Another tip I'd have for this "issue" is to use a specific posture/stance to pray (especially if you cant use physical objects). I used to be Christian, and during those types of prayers, you'd typically press your hands together in some way and bow your head. However, when worshipping greek deities, there are two most common ways to hold yourself.

For deities that remain in the sky/Mount Olympus, you would stand with your arms stretched out, palms facing up. For deities in the underworld, you would get on your knees and place your hands on the ground. For me, the posture on the ground isn't possible right now (knee surgery things), so I just look at the ground and face my palms down.

Those two tips seemed to be what helped a lot with prayer. For offerings, I tend to leave them for an hour or two and then throw them away (my family doesn't like when it's overnight). You can also do devotional acts for offering, such as self care, listening to a music playlist you make the deity, making a pinterest board, etc. This makes offerings a lot less daunting for me. One time, I held a dance party for Apollo! We had fun.

In terms of communication, other than talking directly, there are a few ways you can send a message. The first method I like to use is to meditate. You don't have to talk; you can say your question out loud or think it. Try to just keep the question in mind, and the first thought/answer you have is typically what the deity would respond with (in my experience).

Another method I use is automatic writing! This is where you close your eyes and write whatever comes to mind. You can ask a specific deity to send you a message if you'd like. It's sort of like meditation, but physically, if you get what I mean.

Sometimes, to get a response, you might want to ask for a sign. For example, "If I need to do A, I'll see a crow; if I need to do B, I'll see a duck." Choose things that are common in your area. The first one you see is your answer!

Aside from that, you can always use pendulums (or even a necklace as a makeshift pendulum), tarot cards, and any other divination tool.

I apologize for the long response, and I hope this helped!!!! 🫶🫶🫶

[jweekgoji]

I keep thinking about this senario where five has recently developed a fixation on reader and has been stalking them for a little while, following them home and watching them from outside their apartment. But oneday, after watching you leave your apartment he decided to teleport inside and have a look around only to discover your small walk in closet is full of photos of him covering the wall and youve obviously known about him longer than hes known about you. Hearing you enter back into your apartment, you cant have been gone anywhere that long, were you watching *him* and perhaps hoping he would break in if you left? Did you want him to find out about your secret? But as you stand in the entrance to the room hes in, a smile on your face, he cant help but wonder.. has he walked right into your trap or, are you walking into his?

Also i wanted to say i love your contentt!!! I get so excited when i see youve posted you always have such interesting senarios <3

Yandere! Five x (Yandere?)Reader

warnings: yandere/dark themes, yandere Five, obsessive behaviour, blackmail.

a/n: sorry if it's not what you expected ":v

You know, it's always very embarrassing for a yandere (I'm not talking only about Number Five, but in general) to find out that they're the object of another yandere's obsession. Like you said, anon, Five could have been following you for some time, which means you've already took his heart, haven't you? Cool! But once he finds out that his methods of "defending" his lover are being used against him, he'll be... not entirely happy at first.

At first he will act like a hypocrite in such a situation. He will find it strange, your incredible obsession with him,he will think that you are obviously not okay and that this is disgusting. At least this is what he will feed himself and you in his first moments of awareness.

F: “What the hell? What the hell does that mean?”

Y: “Sorry, but it was you who broke into my house and I have to ask these questions-”

F: “Don't change the subject.”

But the more he thinks about it, the more he understands that you are the same as him, he has slightly conflicting thoughts.

1) How cute! You love him so-so much, which means that the chances that you decide to run away from him or find for yourself someone else are incredibly low. This is a good chance for Five, but we move on to the next paragraph. ↓

2) You. Followed. Him. Everywhere.

You have photos of him from different angles, they were taken at different times and circumstances. You know almost everything about him. Is he afraid of you? No. Rather, it will be feared that you are very well informed about his personal life. Yes, old Five is unlikely to live a very interesting life if this happens when he is on his "retirement", but Five, who is still a member of the Commission, Five, who kills people for a chance to see his loved once — not a good man;

2.1) How can he be sure that your obsession with him is incredibly strong? Let me remind you that he didn't know about your interest in him before, only after he made his way into your house. Yes, he followed you before, but YOU did it MORE than him. How could he, the best of the best assassins from the Commission, fail to notice this?

2.2) I like to think that Five would never want to talk with his obsession about his past. He doesn't even tell his family everything, but there's probably a slightly different reason than the one he keeps for you. Five wants to distance himself as much as possible from his past, from his work there, about those people who forced him to do all these horrible things. He just hates to remember it, because he no longer considers himself a hero, and even more so, he is not yet insane enough to consider himself your hero.

2.3) As soon as you find out what he did, his world may shudder at this. He's not sure enough to know if you'll change your mind about him after this. You will surely leave him and then everything will be much, much worse. He will again do something bad that you and he will not like, but it will be just as necessary as it was then.

3) The last point is the most interesting. He is the first to use your obsession against you.

You smile slightly as you notice the real shock and confusion on face of your obsession. The more he silently stared at the walls covered with photos of him that you carefully pinned one after the other. It's hard for you not to smile even wider, like a proud Cheshire cat, when this all lasts on for some more time.

“Oh, you don't like it, honey?” you chirp sweetly, blink a few times, and stretch forward a little.

“And why the hell am I supposed to like it?” Five frowns as he rips off some photos before throwing them on the floor. “Is this some kind of fucking joke?”

You shivered a little in place, looking at all this view. In fact, who wouldn't be offended when the love of your life doesn't appreciate your work so much? Nevertheless, you maintain your pretty, smiling face, even if inside you are still feel a little sad by such a response.

“Come on, don’t react like I’m the only one doing this!” you move closer and lean down, picking up what Five threw out.

“I know that you love me too.” you tease, trying to hug him, but in return, he gives you his cold reaction, like a grumpy cat that fights against his owner who tries to pet.

As soon as your hand touches his body, almost instantly for you, he twists your hand, after which, he presses your cheek against the wall, holding both of your hands behind your back. To be honest, just a little more and you would be sure that he would just easily break your arms with just more force. It makes you hiss in pain at first, but as soon as you look over your shoulder to look at Number Five's cold expression, you can't help but smile. He, your love, holds you so close to himself!!

“Try to touch me one more time and I'll shove your hands so deep down your throat...” he threatens, clenching his jaw tightly. His gaze on you is almost murderous, as if he caught a dirty petty thief right at the scene of the crime. Noticing your smiling face only makes him more angry.

“Ouch, ouch, ouch,” you complain quietly, feeling his grip on you only grow stronger. “Sorry Sorry! I really won't do that again! Please just let me go, it really hurts, you know?”

Five scoffs, rolling his eyes in annoyance. However, that didn't make him let go of you, just ease the pressure quite a bit.

“Yeah, I noticed it, idiot.” he clicks his tongue, speaking in a tone that barely hides his complete superiority over you in this position. “But listen to me here, I'm not going to tell you this twice. You fucking creep, been following me all this time and doing this lunatic bullshit in your house without a shred of shame. You have so much evidence here that no real lawyer can get you out of this shit, so you have two choices.”

You silently look at him the whole time he speaks. Was there any point in saying something against? He's right, all the walls in your room are covered in pictures of Number Five. Some would consider this just a fun obsession, because come on, Umbrella Academy fans are definitely still left in their universe, so it's no surprise that some comic book fan fell in love with a completely nice guy like Five. But your photos were taken in places where no normal sane person has ever taken. You just invaded his personal space. Not to mention, if the police were actually here, they would definitely be able to find a bunch of items that would get you in more trouble.

“I just call the cops and then they put you in a mental hospital for a couple of decades, injecting you with a dozen drugs at a time every day. Believe me, I know what it's like,” it was Five's turn to smile contentedly, this time not from obsession with you, but from the fact that he outplayed you. “Or, you obediently do what I tell you and no one will know about your dirty little secret except me.”

You tenses up, your eyes are wide open at the very idea of what he offers you. In his hands it has become so comfortable now, even the pain that he caused you, even threatening to break a couple of your bones just like that, but now it doesn't bring painful pleasure, sweat flows down your face.

“So what will you choose?”

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

was thinking abt how my ideal doctor/yaz is when they love each other only sliiiightly more than they hate themselves, but then i was like, you know what might be better actually? if they dont love each other at all

i mean think about it. it's easy. they cant. they havent, like, build a life together. they never had to. love is a promise they didnt make

what passes for romantic feelings for companions in the doctor i think generally is idolisation. yaz has definitely been idolising. depending on your take the doctor might also have been the object of her first queer feelings ever. shes unattainable in like every way for yaz. theres no future to imagine here. there never was. i dont think either of them ever assumed there would be either. theyve had their eyes on the finish line since the beginning

so imagine a reunion. yaz and 14. every barrier now lifted. the doctor no longer lives a life of running from one place to the next; no more being with the doctor means neglecting home. hes suddenly emotionally available too. and they both know,,,Everything. they both know everything theyve never talked about. they reach the finish line and crash over it, into each other, no one had plans for this. a mess

so time to build, right? this is everything they wanted, right? except, is it? they only know each other in extremis. two adrenaline junkies in shared search of a fix. two people unable to stop running, forcibly grounded. yaz has five years of unspoken grievances to air. the doctor about five thousand of unspeakable memories. this is two peas in a powder keg

the doctor attaches in extremes, with abandon, yaz only cautiously, with reservation. neither of them know how to do friendship very well. theyve spent years afraid of losing each other, do you think theyre gonna be able to tolerate being apart now? even if being around each other is pressing every wrong button like a novice pilot or one who never read the manual, and inevitably leads to arguments they both know are years out of date but cant stop themselves from having anyway?

their coping mechanisms might have been malformed but now theyre taken away. dont you think theyre gonna come up with something to replace picking fights with daleks? we've got ptsd à deux and nowhere to go. if they cant be helpful at least they can keep busy. picking fights with each other. having sex with each other, because hey we got this newfound queer sexuality we should try it out, right? none of this is quite right but we're not gonna stop to think now, are we? 

should we talk about the gender thing? oh but youre a timelord, billions of years beyond this petty human obsession. but, youre not. so why not obsess a little. rather this than the other stuff. and yaz likes you as a woman. and rose gets all this trans stuff. keep weaving them in because if you stop they might just fall out. of your orbit, the world, the universe, the story. you'll never see them again and you'll be all alone. again. better keep tying knots

how long until they realise this is worse than it was? how long before they can admit it to themselves? how many people to suggest, to one or the other, that hey maybe you guys should spend some time apart? go on vacation, find a hobby, get a job, talk to other people, give yourself a break. how many people to get snapped and yelled at because what do they know? what does anyone know? nobody does, nobody gets it. ryan and graham left, dan came in too late. nobody else lived their days. nobody could possibly understand whats between them. including them

it's yaz who tries breaking up, of course. takes too long to get there, but she would get there. eventually. the doctor gets mean, all "glad to be home?", all tooth and nail and you cant leave me i leave you, all scoffs and snarls, "we're not together, yaz"

"sure, whatever you say"

but if people stop watching doctor who kills himself. the doctor doesnt say this, of course. but yaz is very proficient in all the ways the doctor does not say things

"yeah well, survived it last time, so"

she doesnt clarify who. doesnt need to. the game of chicken never ended, only changed shape. who falls first, who realises first, who admits first, who stays alive longest after the universe ends. and now, perhaps, whos gonna reach for desperate measures first

place your bets

[sparda-ly]

i cant believe that you do write for mgr!! i swear that i've been dying to find some new fics of this fandom, because, you know, no one makes content of it. but anyways! im really really happy that you do write for mgr and, as always, i'll make u a request (and you can ignore it if you want :))

how would sam and raiden (and maybe mistral and moonson if you are willing to write for these) separately to a reader that likes to write love letters with little hearts and sweet words all over and send for them when they aren't around :)

and keep your good work but also take care of yourself, okay? love u, darling!! 💕💕

– 🌙

RAIDEN, JETSTREAM SAM, MONSOON, MISTRAL WITH AN S/O THAT WHO WRITES CUTES NOTES

GENDER UNSPECIFIED!

note: hey there sugar, love to see you in my inbox! hope these headcannons are ok since i'm not really sure bout the monsoon part! let me know if you have any tips

warnings: none

raiden

raiden is pretty slow when it comes to showing affection therefore when you started leaving him cute little notes with hearts splattered all around them, he only makes a ??? face and questions why would you do that if you can say the same thing to his face.

it probably takes a lot of time explaining to him that this is just tyour way of showing your love and affection for him

plus, the poor cyborg thinks there are some type of secret bombs hidden in these notes dropped off by his enemies due to his trauma

however, after some time he grows to actually enjoy them and always smiles whenever he notices them on his desk

once raiden tried writing a little note for you however it looked absolutely horrible, the man felt so embarrased he threw it away before you could even see it 😭😭😭

sam

this cocky mf definitely enjoys them and absolutely cherishes them with his life

sam definitely handles affection better than raiden, that's for sure

also, he himself has quite a few ways of showering you with love

that's why he surely understands what you mean by these cute notes and always lets you know how he feels about them

one time after a particular hard objective, he saw a pink note attached to his desk with the words "let's dance after this mission ;) ♡♡" and it absolutely made his day

let's not forget the fact that he will absolutely show these notes to all his acquaintances and eat up their jealous faces, feeling pride he has such an amazing partner 💗

monsoon

starting of with the fact that this man is arrogant and cocky as fuck, monsoon will definitely appreciate these small acts

he may have a hard time showing that though

monsoon secretely loves them and always collects them putting them in a safe box in his office

although he will get defensive if anyone brings it up during a conversation and deny the fact

he can also be flirty when he feels like it but it's only when he's in the mood

similar to sam and raiden, small notes from you can easily change his entire mood

mistral

please for the love of god never stop leaving this woman cute notes, she adores them

whenever she sees these pieces of paper containing tons of hearts and a little message, she goes quite litreally crazy

"baby, if i knew i would get these notes every day, i would've asked you out earlier"

her favourite notes are the ones were you praise her and tell her she's your favourite person

at some point mistral definitely starts leaving you similar notes possibly with flirty pick-up lines that surprisingly are good

she feels pride and satisfaction whenever she sees you blushing at them

[st4rg1rl-yana]

Jinx x reader with a reader whos both very touch starved and touch adverse due to a terrible upbringing. Both are aware and reader slowly trying to overcome until one day they go up to their gf and go "Fuck it. Hug me. Im tired of being scared." Jinx does and they find it so damn nice they just melt into her and now they cant get enough of her.

I love this idea!! I feel like they’d have really cute first moments together too! Both of them being careful and cautious of each other’s boundaries.

a/n: I loved writing this so much it also just reminded me of how touch starved I actually am : D

ROLE THE CLIP!

You were making your way back to Jinx’s hideout, ducking and dodging from anyone that even seemed to be too close. Pulling back your hood once you’d made it and carefully walked over to her work bench where your beautiful blue haired girlfriend sat. Legs crossed in her chair, music blaring echoing of the walls, and sparks flying in front of her googles.

You stood for a moment just admiring her, how diligently she worked on her next project, how her blue locks draped over her lean shoulder to floor, how her cloudy tattoos seemed to glow around her torso and arms.

‘She’s gorgeous’

You walked silently up behind her doing you best to not alert her. Peering over her shoulder you couldn’t see her new project, only her paint cover hands tinkering with the object before her. You watched her work, in awe over the fact that she’s actually your girlfriend. That out of all people in Zaun she chose you, she trusts and loves you the most.

As if she could hear the thoughts in your head, she turned around bouncing from excitement at the sight of you. She smiled wildly while raising up her googles.

“Heya Sugar, didn’t hear ya come in” She giggled which sounded like music to your ears.

“Sorry didn’t mean to interrupt” You nervously rubbed at the back of your neck. “What’re you working on?”

Her bright blue lit up like Christmas lights on a tree. “OH! This?” She held up a rose made of different metal scraps and gears, wielded together and painted in a mix of her favorite neon colors.

“It’s a rose!” She laughed getting up to stand in front of you. Her bright baby blue eyes searched yours for any discomfort. “Can I?” She whispered looking from the rose to you. You nodded wordlessly your eyes never leaving hers as she slowly pushed the metal flower into your hair before pulling back.

“There! A flower for my flower!” She bubbled bouncing on the heels of her shoes and you heard the beautiful melody of her yet again. It rang in your ears filling your chest with butterflies and an yearning for the blue haired girl before you.

“Jinx?” You breathed out. “Hm?” She tilted hear to side as she stared at you blankly.

“C-can I hug you?” You pleaded your eyes looking down nervously at her shoes. Softly her delicate fingers found yours wrist wrapping around them warming your skin beneath them. “Of course, Angel” She smiled gently bringing you closer, your arms wrapped around her slim waist and hers around your neck.

Your body warmed at under touch, she was so soft you’d thought she’d actually turned into a cloud. Your eyes closed as you melted in her gentle arms, not understanding how hugging someone could feel so just amazing. ‘If I knew it’d be like this i’d have been in her arm’s sooner’

She hummed lowly against your ear, sending a new wave of butterflies through you. “That feel good Toots?” Her painted nails gently played and ran through the hair at the back of your neck.

You nodded pulling her closer as humanly possible as if you couldn’t get enough of her. “Stay like this? Forever?” You mumbled against her shoulder.

She grinned hugging you tighter and her soft laughs grazed your ears once again. “For as long as you need, Trinket”

[navyismycolor]

I dont think its THAT complex

There is an odd conception in psychology that "the human mind is SO UTTERLY complex that it is not possible to give any advice".

Personally I think that is both untrue and unhelpful.

Firstly, yes the human mind is very complex. But so are a lot of other things. Launching rockets to Mars is complex. Figuring out how to build a bridge that will last a century is complex. Designing a giant piece of software that will connect you to the rest of the world is complex. Bear in mind that there is no objective measure of complexity in these fields. It is really not possible to say with definitive certainty that building a nuclear submarine is more complex than fine tuning a lithography machine. So, there is no objective evidence that the human mind is, in fact, infinitely more complex. It is just a vague notion we like to project, perhaps because we dont understand it well. Lack of knowledge is not proof of complexity.

It also does not help to say "every mind is different, nothing works from one to another". Every complex problem in the world is different. When you cook the same recipe on two different days it is bound to be different. When I play a game of chess online that goes beyond 20 moves, it is bound to be a game that has never happened in the history of humanity before. And most directly, no two human bodies are different but that doesnt mean medical doctors throw up their arms saying they cant do anything about anybody. The whole point of science is to find generalizable patterns that do infact apply from one to another.

Believing that human minds are infinitely complex and infinitely different from each other is a great impediment towards actually being able to help someone through the despair & doldrums of mental health. It would lead therapists to never saying anything substantial, claiming that the situation is so unique, so novel, so persnalized, that nothing helpful can be done about this. I am firmly of the opinion that while listening and having someone who listens is valuable, eventually everyone wants a solution to their personal situations and a way out of the mess than just an idle audience.

In my view, one of two things are possible.

Either, you accept that human minds are extremely complex and there is no generalization that allows you to help one person through their distress by reusing previously seen patterns. If that is so, then we have to accept that psychology is not a science (since there is zero generalization), and psychotherapy should not be a valid paid profession (since there is nothing someone can say to help work a way out of a problem).

Or, you have to tone down the catastrophization and recognize that like many difficult problems, the human mind is also a difficult proposition that runs into difficult problems from time to time. And therefore, it should be possible, through trial and error, through discussion and deliberation, through realization and replanning, to find a way through and out of the problem.

What do you believe in?

[adhd-merlin]

unpopular opinion: arthur (as much as i like him as a character) was useless in terms of prophecy and liberation of the magic people. not just bc he never ended up lifting the magic ban but bc literally anyone sitting on the throne could have done that. i see no reason why it had to be arthur specifically. but the show liked to pretend like he was the only way to achieve a positive future bc the opprressed community cant simply help themselves that would be silly ig? no no they need to patiently wait that maybe one day their oppressor (whos literally continuing his fathers genocide even if less zealously) has a change of heart and they wont be hunted down like animals anymore. never mind the countless people that will have to die in the mean time. merlin can kill a bajillion people on screen and thats fine and for the greater good but if someone tries to kill One guy sitting on a fancy chair with a fancy hat suddenly thats too extreme. half the time it felt like the show was pointing to merlin as a poster child of how to act when oppressed. the fact that morgana growing bitter about uthers reign is framed as inherently bad and what directly lead to her becoming evil tm is particularly infuriating to me. the choice to create this very ya dystopian setting and then cast the oppressors as part of the main cast and the final solution is just very weird to me. i think it wouldve been objectively for the best if the magic community had overthrown arthur (or uther really but thats not really contested.. unless youre the bbc. this show is so british (derogatory))

in that vein: mordred has never done anything wrong in his entire life and that includes killing arthur

one more for the "arthur was a loser" folder

[ok but about the rest!! I have many thoughts about it. merlin as a member of an Oppressed Minority. his betrayal of his own kin. I'm putting it all under a cut bc you guys don't need to see me rambling about this and the disir again]

you make a good point — the way in which a story is framed, even the moment we choose as a "beginning", determines what characters we'll feel sympathy for, even when the facts at our disposal are the same.

I don't think the writers were trying to create any kind of deep social commentary btw. just so we're clear. merlin is the hero of the story and his mission is to keep arthur safe. we've got to root for them both.

to have a king with a hatred (fear) of magic gives us a convenient antagonist within the court. merlin having to defend the men that would have him killed for his magic is a great source of dramatic tension. it sort of follows that the people he has to fight against to defend the king/prince are other magic users, or magical threats. (it also keeps things interesting because there would be no challenge for merlin otherwise).

there isn't much of a point in exploring the motives and backstories of other characters with magic (with the exception of morgana, perhaps). They are only briefly touched upon — so these characters remain vaguely antagonistic for the most part. Neutrally aligned at best (see mordred).

We are shown that the druids are (mostly) aware of the prophecy that marks merlin/emrys as the saviour of their kind.

what I find fascinating are merlin's interactions with magic people who are either not aware of this prophecy (gilli) or have no faith in it (kara, possibly?) Because we're never given the chance or the time to see things from their perspective. To see merlin through their eyes.

When gilli says:

"It is time that someone struck a blow for the likes of you and me. And if you're too weak, then I will." (!!!)

It makes him sound like some kind of extremist, but really, when you think about it. isn't his anger kind of justified? I'm not condoning his violence, I'm just saying — it's understandable. uther has killed so many innocent people. literally drowned innocent children. and merlin's like "violence isn't the answer!" — and I can see his point!! but I can see gilli's just as well. and I find it so interesting that he's still addressing merlin as a brother ("the likes of you and me"), even when expressing disappointment in his actions and calling him weak. because they are the same. he's saying "you're deluded, and cozying up to the enemy won't save you"

this episode also contains what is (probably) my favourite dragon call. when merlin summons kilgharrah in other episodes, he's usually in the middle of some Urgent Situation. matters of life or death. there is nothing urgent here, really. yeah, it is arguably a matter of life or death, but nothing merlin couldn’t have stopped on his own. he really just called on kilgharrah to have a heart to heart with a friend — a member of his class.

("You are a creature of magic, and only a creature of magic could hope to understand.")

this episode is about merlin looking for kinship and still feeling isolated from his magic brethren. there's something tragic about the way the prophecy makes him unable to connect to some of the people who would be best placed to understand him.

and gilli plants a small seed of doubt in merlin's mind. "You've been pretending for so long now that you've actually forgotten who you are" (!!)

but kilgharrah reassures merlin that there's a golden age coming. so merlin does what he has to do — he saves uther once again. before gilli leaves, merlin reassures him that one day they will be free.

he tells mordred the same:

"It won't always be like this. One day we will live in freedom again."

and then, when he has the unique opportunity to use his influence on arthur to sway his opinion in the right direction. he fails.

he condemns himself, and the people he spoke to of freedom, to keep living in fear and in hiding — and what's even more upsetting, he does so while talking of a "just and fair kingdom"!

("You must protect the world you spent your life building, a just and fair kingdom for all." What an interesting choice of words. camelot isn't just and fair to all — as merlin knows well. he's lying to arthur, and possibly to himself.)

imagine being gilli or mordred and hearing him say that "there can be no place for magic in camelot." (!) What a slap in the face.

I've read meta suggesting that the disir were testing merlin just as much as arthur (or even more so than him). I'm inclined to believe it — I want to believe it. If anything because it makes the story all the more interesting and tragic. (I know what some are going to say — if mordred's destiny was to kill arthur, it would've happened anyway. but remember what else kilgharrah said — the future is never clear. there are many paths).

I understand why merlin did what he did, I really do. but for a moment, the fair and just kingdom he spoke of was within reach, and he failed to grasp it.

so was gilli wrong after all?

[and kara. I feel quite sympathetic towards her. we know arthur. she can't see him from our (merlin's) perspective. for her, he might as well be uther. magic people are still persecuted under camelot's law. she has spent her life on the run, she has seen people she loved be killed. and from our (arthur's) perspective, she looks like some kind of fanatic. but in reality. put yourself in her shoes. when arthur offers her a chance to save herself by "repenting" for her crime, she says she has nothing to repent for. "it is not a crime to fight for your freedom". that's the belief she's willing to die for. did she deserve to die for it?

(I also think there's an interesting parallel in merlin failing his kin in the disir, and arthur failing mordred in ep 5x11 by condemning kara to death. something about pinning all your hopes on someone who's going to fail you, and doom you both. idk idk.)]

sorry anon. you were saying

[hxhhasmysoul]

bro get over ur 'performative feminism' idiocy 🙄 personally, i think half of ur analyses r shit but i can still find valuable or at least respectable commentary in them, just like i can find valuable or respectable commentary from those 'performative feminists.' as i should. bc thats how critique and discourse needs to be approached. just bc u can write a rant and do research doesnt mean ur arguments will be worth anything. and theyre prob not worth anything if u cant even respect the ppl ur addressing

I have to tell you, I’m fucking fascinated by this. There’s just so much here.

This will be an honest attempt at interpreting this, a long and at times quite serious reply to your rather unserious anon. 

What is the point of sending this, anon? When I get anons like this, I can’t help but muse what prompts their authors. 

1. I mean the least charitable interpretation would be that you want to insult me but in a way that to you subjectively upholds the pretence of respectability or intellectualism? 

2. Or maybe your goal is to actually encourage me to change my behaviour?  

3. Maybe you want to educate me on the proper way to do fandom “discourse”? Or on the merits of the philosophy you present here?

Any of those? None? All of the above a little bit? 

______________

If option 1 was your sole objective, I’d say it works only as an insult. The tone of your ask is all over the place and it doesn’t really match its content. If I were writing this, I wouldn’t have called my analyses “shit” and the “performative feminism” “idiocy” while chastising me for lack of respect for the opinions of others. I don’t mind you matching my lowbrow energy and tone, it’s just that in my opinion you contradict your point by going down to my level.

Maybe something closer to this:

“(...)the phrase ‘performative feminism’ doesn’t have a place in proper critique or discourse(...)”

“(...)I find half of you analyses poor quality, unwarranted or downright wrong(...)”

______________

If you were aiming for 2 exclusively then, alas, shaming and condescension doesn’t work on me at all, for personal reasons. 

______________

Third option is the one actually fascinating to me. You’re not the first person here that would be trying to lecture me on how there is a right approach to fandom “discourse”, namely your way. But you know, why not. I too hold very strong beliefs.

There are two issues with this working, though.

1. I don’t find your argument internally coherent. I will try to interpret what you’re saying, to show you how I understand it. Which may be completely contrary to what you were trying to say.

2. If my reading of what you’re trying to say is close to your intentions, I sense that we’re not really close ideologically and we don’t share values. 

1. 

The way I understand your last sentence is that according to you an opinion loses its value by default if it doesn’t meet some respectability standards. 

Yet a few sentences up you claim that you manage to find some “valuable or at least respectable commentary” in my rants, I’m not 100% sure which rants do you mean exactly here. All of them? Or just those that are “shit”? How can you find value in something that you seem to consider to be by default void of value? 

I’ll be real, idk what “respectable commentary” could possibly be, but if I show no respect to the people I address, then how could my commentary be respectable. 

This confusion is also amplified by the mismatch of tone and message. Because according to the rules you laid out I should disregard what you’re saying completely, because how can your arguments be worth anything if you aren’t showing respect to me. 

2. 

And here we come to the clash of values. 

The way I understand yours, is that you subject yourself to fandom takes that you find low quality or wrong because that’s the right thing to do. That according to you we should all strive to find something positive in all sides of an issue. 

It reminds me of the centrist political “both-sidedism” almost turned into an art form. And centrism irks me because I’m a nasty lefty, a social justice warrior. I’m very far from the so-called “centre”, which in real politics is usually just non extremist right wing ideology. I will use “leftism” as an umbrella term here for various ideas, both economic and social, including feminism. It's a very reductive approach but in this case I don’t think a distinction is needed. 

Social media platforms can have a heavy political slant, and fandom Tumblr on average slants left.

The problem is that in many cases it’s image building and not true understanding of the issues that comprise the political leaning. It’s using, but more often misusing buzzwords and appropriating language, sometimes in active attempts to render words or terms meaningless. All in the pursuit of maintaining the image of being “for the good things and against the bad things”. It’s a performance.

Performance that is self perpetuating because the people, who indulge in it, will pressure one another to express “correct opinions” on whatever is the hot topic of the hour. To always be available for outside scrutiny. Those people feel obliged to have public opinions, and have them fast.

Fandom and social media are a funny territory where petty arguments about characters or plot choices get mired in real world political topics and ideologies. While it is true that art is always political, political criticism usually can’t be nailed down in one catch phrase. And it definitely can’t be done without honestly engaging with the text and the context it exists in. 

In the JJK Tumblr tags you will find a shit ton of posts, no longer than a paragraph, usually no longer than a single sentence, that call Gege a misogynist, that say that “Gege hates women”. And they will usually use one argument for that, namely that female characters die in JJK. Or more recently, that they are irrelevant to the plot. Both these takes stem from bastardisation of academic discourse surrounding female characters in fiction. They are in bad faith, they show that the person reflexively regurgitating them has no desire to engage with the text seriously and probably doesn’t know where such considerations came from, or understand how they functioned in their original context. But sometimes you will see more dedicated clout-chasers, who try to write meta posts on the misogyny in JJK without having a basic understanding of feminism, just trying to string together popular hot takes. Just to show that they don’t “mindlessly” consume media, that they are not afraid to criticise it and its author, an all out a woman hater. Show it in the most vapid and thoughtless way possible. 

That’s why they are a performance. And this performance is to build the image of the op as a feminist, a "Tumblr good person". That’s why they use the trappings of feminist critique. That’s why I call it “performative feminism”. 

An important thing to understand about me is that I don’t treat leftism as a zero sum game. I believe that political movements, organisations, people and works of art, can be doing some leftist things right and some wrong. That perfection on this is impossible. But there are also non negotiable issues, issues that you can’t really do a bit right, because human dignity, safety and livelihood is at stake. For example I’m not interested in listening to people who will condone genocide, I don’t think I should try to find value in their arguments. But I also don’t find value in reactions to genocide that dehumanise and use genocidal language towards a different group, even if a subset of that group is committing genocide. For me genocide is a non negotiable issue. I don’t respect people who try to perform support for genocide victims by justifying genocide others. People who instead of donating to relief support, or promoting relief support and direct pressure on government, chase clout by shouting out their vile opinions under the guise of supporting the victims, regardless whether they understand their own bias or not. 

But you may say that I’m exaggerating, using a real life issue to illustrate my disagreement with your values, when maybe you were just limiting your philosophy to fiction. But my character flaw is that I’m very principled. Especially when it comes to my grander principles trickling down to more trivial stuff. 

I don’t think I should respect people who appropriate and misuse feminist language to chase social media clout. I don’t find any value in their behaviour. I find it actually harmful. It reinforces this trend in first world leftism that activism can be done by yelling the right buzzwords on social media. Especially the right buzzwords about popular media. That activism and social critique doesn’t require engaging with the ideas, interrogating their own preconceived notions. That it makes them a “good person” when they misuse academic language to shit on a work just because it’s popular, just because they want the clout of an intellectual who can see through the mainstream. While it’s painfully obvious that they have no idea what feminist critique academic or casual is, or what the words they abuse mean, or what modern feminism even entails. 

Can you see how funny it is? This idea that they can position themselves as above the mainstream, as the betters of those who enjoy mainstream, by reflexively regurgitating the most popular hot takes. And this lazy behaviour is purely voluntary because no one has to have an opinion on everything. It’s actually impossible to have an in-depth and well researched opinion on everything. So if you don’t have the time to do research, or to even properly familiarise yourself with the work you have the very valid choice not to. Have the choice not to parrot a hot take for the sole purpose of performing activism. You have the choice to just divert your attention elsewhere, towards things that you will engage with in good faith. 

Because this kind of bad faith approach can lead to darker things. Because you can actually make yourself believe that your behaviour isn’t just a vapid social media act, you can convince yourself that you’re on some moral high ground, that you’re actually fighting against evil.

If Gege is a misogynist, if they hate women, it means that they are actually vile, a bad person and it’s ok to use violent ideation while writing about them. This is normalising dehumanisation for clout points. Priming yourself for viewing people and situations like this.

Gege is kind of an abstract entity for these people, it feels harmless because, come on, they will never meet Gege. And obviously this is all hyperbole and they wouldn’t really get violent. 

I witnessed it in real time when a group of people in fandom decided that my friend was a bad person. Over trivial fandom shit. They dehumanised my friend amongst themselves and proceeded to attack my friend for months, until they left Tumblr. Attack them in racist, misogynist and queerphobic ways, while claiming it’s okay because my friend is an actual evil person, they are actually dangerous for existing in the fandom. And also their attacks are okay because they are PoC/queers/women and as members of these groups their behaviour can't be racist, queerphobic or misogynist by deafault…

You also misunderstand my actions towards those people. I’m not engaging in “discourse” with them. This is not academia, I’m not an academic. I’m pushing back against their behaviour. I’m expressing my distaste towards the groupthink. I’m not pretending to be respectable because I don’t think their behaviour deserves respect.  

This is the crux of our disagreement, anon, our values don’t align.

[choupimaki]

Early season 2 of DOCTOR STONE SPOILERS

I've only seen the beginning of S2 so please no spoil in the notes

-------

So the village people.

They're Senkuu's dad's children yeah ? Well grand [...] grand children.

So first off

You guys are astronauts ! And the dad was a TEACHER ! WHY CANT THE CHILDREN WRITE

LIKE PLEASE

3 yo is old enough to show an interest in writing

Now you've made writing lost knowledge, well done.

I GET that the priority is surviving but it's a lot easier to remember information (ESPECIALLY 100 STORIES) if you can write them down

And the dude would clearly have been able to tear off some bark and carve it

Now the thing is, his direct children (and the other astronauts') probably already speak a weird ass English-Japanese with a bit of Russian sprinkled in pidgin/creole

Maybe that's why he didn't feel like finding new signs for phonemes he doesn't know

Cos there isn't the L from "lollipop" in Japanese nor the very common Russian ы in any of the other 2 languages

But ? That's ok ? I mean, Senkuu's dad doesn't speak that weird creole, only Japanese and English

Although not ideal he can teach them roman letters, even just phonetically (eg the letter i would always be "ee" and never "ay")

And on the subject of the language these children are speaking

There HAS to be stuff they simply didn't have words for, and language HAS to have evolved by the time Senkuu meets the village

How tf do they understand each other ?

To them Senkuu is speaking a weird super old form of their language with a strange accent

To Senkuu they're using words and phonemes he's not used to

Ofc Senkuu speaks Japanese and English, that seems obvious to his character

But I'm not sure of how well he speaks Russian

Adding onto that

Tf does the language look like ???

English, Russian and Japanese are COMPLETELY different from a grammar standpoint

English has subject-verb-object composition, Japanese has subject-object-verb, and Russian has huh .... Cases

Arguably so does English with who/wom but that's besides the point

I don't know much about Russian, I just started learning it so I'm not well versed in it but I've been studying English for 12 years and Japanese on and off for 7 years

Even dumb stuff like talking about the past in a simple way... How would they do it ? English has all these exceptions like "be, was/were, been", and simple past in Japanese is just ます to ました

A mix of these three, evolving for THOUSANDS OF YEARS, would be hardly possible to comprehend even for someone initially fluent in all 3

And even if I can suspend my disbelief to accept that Senkuu speaks all 3 and is smart enough to understand how these might've evolved and communicate with the village ... I can't believe it for other characters.

So far I haven't seen Taijuu and the other girl interacting with the village so I'm ok with it, but the mentalist guy ? Nah ain't no way bro

[whump-star]

Shards part 2A -  a mini-chapter 

Please bare with this is my first attempt but I've had so many ideas about how this fic would continue and as far as I can find part 2 was never published original plot was courtesy of MedicBaymax on AO3

PART 2B posted below !!!

*apologies if the tone changes I am not the original author and do not have the same amazing way with words as I've never written a fic before, there is some more cursing  

Thanks to @criminallyfanatic for being an amazing beta.

Summary

While accompanying Beckett to an alien planet where he was invited to give a medical lecture, Sheppard is injured in an explosion. Erroneously blamed for the blast, he and Beckett are detained, and Sheppard is badly in need of medical attention.

 We pick up from the two being detained. 

Sheppard was still leaning against the workstation, the slow throb of his injuries slowly building, his head slightly foggy; got to keep it together he thought as he suddenly snapped back to the reality of their predicament.

The officer roughly grabbed Sheppard, no regard to his injuries, “Aye, careful with the lad” Carson objected as Sheppard let out a small grunt.

Sheppards thoughts cleared “ITS NOT OUR BOMB” John suddenly shouted. He hadn’t expected the volume but hey, he had just been blown up, im sure they'll understand as he suddenly realised his were still ringing. 

“Apologies for his outburst, the lad has just been blown up after all” Carson felt his spirit being over taken by Rodneys nervous habit and began a breathtaking monologue. “If you laddies hadnt noticed we were both hit with the blast from that bloody explosion, do you not think thats not exactly sabotage if weve sabotaged ourselves you absolute morons. Would be about as successful as fucking rangers playing a good defense.” he realised as his words rattled on the guards had no care or understanding of what he was saying or his references.

“Now you've shut up, get up” the first officer didnt seem taken with Becketts exasperated attempt to talk his way out of this situation. 

Carson dwelled on their increasingly dire situation and the possible consequences of Sheppard not receiving the medical attention he needs “Oi, im serious careful with him any slight movement could prove fatal” he shouted as he watched the second officer shove Sheppard through the doorway.

They were led out of the building and towards a waiting vehicle, that could only be described as unusual. Carson thought back to the last few days, trying to figure out what went wrong as he was practically thrown into the vehicle. He looked over to Sheppard now lying face down and not moving.

“Colonel!! Can you hear me lad”

John attempted to respond but all that left is lips was a slight groan. He could feel each and every shard of glass slowly penetrating further and further into his abdomen. 

“must….rolll….over”

“Aye lad that would be preferable” Beckett exclaimed.

John mustered every bit of strength lifting his right arm and managed to push himself over, the makeshift bandages Carson had applied earlier now a deep red colour, his breaths sharp and fast as he tried to control the pain. 

“Doc…how’s….it….lookin’” he attempted to smile but by Carson's face it must has been more of a grimace.

“I cant say for sure colonel, but i guess those bloody guards have both made our days even worse son” Carson was trying desperately not to show the panic he felt tensing through his whole body, as he watched the blood streaming from Sheppards battered torso.

The ride to the holding cells was less than comfortable, Carson watched on as Sheppard groaned at every bump, hating the fact his restraints held him back from helping the insufferable patient that had become one of his closest friends. “Colonel..”. He waited for a response reconsidering his approach he shouted. “ John!! Youve been a bit quiet son are you still with me”

From the far side of the van like vehicle he heard a slight groan. Sheppard had shut his eyes trying to ward off the intense pain every bump brought him, he used all his strength to talk back to Beckett but all he had managed so far was a groan as he pushed himself urging every part of him to respond and put Carsons mind at ease “I…i’m… good…doc” he pushed out knowing full well Beckett knows him too well to believe a word of it.

“Can't lie to ye son, good isnt the word i’d be using looking at your right now. You look rougher than a glasweigan waking up on a sunday morning” he thought for a minute before he saw one of the colonels stupid grins slapped across his face.

“While i’ve got you son can you run me through where it hurts” he knew in the back of his mind this was a tall order for the man he could clearly see was on the edge of consciousness.

“Hurts…..alot…stomach….mostly…but.…the…whole….breathing…thing…..feels….a….bit…tougher…than….i…remember.” with that he took the deepest breath he dared take, trying to ride out the wave of pain coming over him.

Carsons expresson was one of sheer panic and desperation. All he wanted to do was help his ailing friend who grew paler by the minute, his head spinning with all the possible differential diagnosis’, each one more grave than the last.

It took a minute for Carson to even register the vehicle had come to a stop. He was so deep in his thoughts it almost took him by surprise when an officer grabbed him from behind. He watched on as John was unceremoniously pulled and dropped on the floor. “CAREFUL WITH HIM HE’S SERIOUSLY INJURED, CAN’T YOU SEE THAT YOU BLOODY EEJITS”  

And with that Carsons world started to spin as a sharp pain ripped through his head. He slipped into blackness.

*Please note this is an attempt at a follow-on from a fic I love I will post more soon but I am just really excited about what I've written so far and this seemed like a good point to break trust me the cliffhanger is worth it

*also I will post on AO3 but I'm still waiting on the invitation I've already been waiting a while and will upload it completely once I have an account

[mizuta]

far from it to be my style to post about hashtag mental health issues on main but like. look. ive& been psychotic as far back as i can tangibly remember (hallucinating at 10-11, cognitive symptoms and episodes by 13-14). its been a part of my life so long that like... in a lot of ways im used to it and coping with symptoms and my life grew around a lot of the symptoms. like a tree trunk growing around a foreign object as a sapling. something that pierces directly through the middle but doesnt really impact the trees ability to stay alive in any meaningful way.

so like in a lot of ways im used to being in my own head. my partner is good at recognizing that things that are distressing to me in episodes dont process whatsoever as distressing to me a good chunk of the time. when im acting visibly distressed it actually means my level of distress is at like, 200%. its fucking unmanageable. if im visibly distressed its worse than anyone could conceptualize because typically otherwise im just numb to a lot of it or its just default my reality that its not distressing in any meaningful way until after the fact.

but like im ngl just because ive spent all of my teenage years upwards trying to take up literally the least space possible to exist and never show 80% of my "unacceptable" symptoms to 99% of people does not mean it makes it any less uncomfortable or awkward to like. be the token psychotic in some groups. to have to be the buzzkill and shit thats like hey sorry heres my hyperspecific request of the year because im fucking insane.

its miserable in a fresh new way of like sorry to have to remind everyone that its not actually a funny character quirk or joke my brain literally does not exist in your 'reality' in any meaningful way and the further outside of it i am on a given day the more unpleasant youre going to find me to be around. ignoring the insane person talking aimlessly in public doesnt actually help me it usually just reinforces that youre not real and never will be if its a bad enough day.

its never intentional. like nobody is ever doing this on purpose. especially again because i spent so much of my life being very good at hiding it. but like... it sucks so much to be masking half the time and be a little too good at it so when you stop being able to people are always levels of uncomfortable or upset. it sucks when you cant articulate anything properly and nobody really knows how to understand what youre asking for. it sucks when you have multiple severe memory conditions and cant trust your own memory and everyone immediately questions your memory when you ask for anything or point anything out. like of course im just going to fucking fold.

i dont know where im going with this or if this itself is even that coherent i know it sounds super vague but it really isnt about anyone specific im just babbling about like years worth of garbage. i got so fucked over by fakeclaiming culture because unfortunately when i started really displaying symptoms i was a teenager trying not to kill himself and being fucking insane loudly in virtual public when that was apparently an "obvious sign of exaggerating" so i had to learn to shut the fuck up and now everybody loves to forget how much im fucking unwell because god forbid you think too hard about what youre saying around others.

thank god for my partner who is literally the first person in my entire life whos ever tried to understand and genuinely knows how to talk to me when im in a particularly bad delusion or hallucinating or whatever.

man. im tired. i found out this last month i probably need to get a cane when i move out and i still feel like im going to be appropriating shit because severe knee and upper leg paint and severe balance problems cant be that bad. i hate having memory problems so bad that i so easily can be told that i dont know shit and Y is actually what happened and i usually cant actually argue against it even if im so sure thats not true.

[letsgosisyphus]

After a very meta conversation with J Ocean about topics such as, conflict, agreeableness, differences in political wings, differences in cognitive functions, virtue, logic, ego, duty, friendship, challenge, fear, paranoia, likelihood, audacity, pride, and ego death, I have decided that I want to have a true growth mindset. I want to understand Fi deeper and uphold moral virtue. I want clear priorities and good reasons for them. I want every area of my life to be under my lens and under construction.

I will brainstorm and build a schedule that will take in everything into account and ween myself off of the teet of a wavering life. I want to live a bold life until the day I die. I don’t want pride to have shackles to my actions, I need to be able to learn. I need to have a growth mindset so I cant be so offended by well intentioned people.

I also have to become very clear on what I consider disrespect, given who I am and who individual people are and what to do in response to my own feeling of being disrespected and there own feeling of respect/disrespect. I need an objective solution that doesn’t allow for the easy manipulation of those more sadistic and Machiavellian than me. To what degree should I readily consent to a persons trials for me? Is there something to learn from the experience that justifies an exploration of an uncharted location? How do I keep my wits about me in a fire tornado that will definitely burn away some parts of me that needed to be burned but will also burn away good bacteria that I actually need to be even more diverse/potentially successful than them lest I become their duplicate.

A podcast wouldn’t be a bad idea. It’s for my own growth and I know how to have a podcast in the observer realm. I need to grow from not only bouncing ideas back in forth with Te and Ti but also in consuming content like books. I picked up a book I bought last year, “mindset” by Carol S. Dweck. It appears I have more context for what it looks like and not just what it means. Through having experienced it first hand I have a deeper grasp of it than I did at any point prior. It’s real for me now. This is what I need in my Fi, high moral virtue and growth mindset is a qualified tool for the acquisition of such virtue.

As far as priorities I really do need to attend to my current opportunities as opposed to worrying about the things that I would be better off crossing the bridge when I get there. Friendships with the intent to sharpen steel are particularly fascinating, it unravels my understanding of the word friend. Its more like a friend is someone who helps you towards your goals, making use of every individual and being of use to them in a way that is not super ego nor Id leaning. This ofcourse will scare away Fe users and I will have to develop a method for identifying cognitive functions in others without having an hour long convo with them and how to test what they respond to without going too far into Fi or Fe.

Also on paranoia, likelihood and self defense mechanisms, it is not that being murdered means you did something wrong, perhaps it just means you weren’t able to protect your life enough to preserve it. And perhaps that’s because life preservation was something in an area you had willful blindness. Does this mean that you’ll have another karmic cycle? If by quality of virtue is how I suffer correctly and sacrifice optimally to the volcano then I suppose my question is, must I die at the hands of a Cain? I don’t believe so. Or more so, I will resist because it is my will to live. I feel like my paranoia smells a lot like the silly superstitions of crossing poles, avoiding black cats and not putting a hat on the bed. I can not let that be a reflection of my intelligence as someone motivated to sustain being highly intelligent.

Im remodeling my friendships into bettering myself and others and balancing Fe as much as possible within it. I still will Fe take interest in parts of their lives. I find value in the distraction of it all and know that even though it may distract a bit from my exact plan- it will still continue to reroute for me with my feminine Ni. I can’t do this alone even if I become a one man army. I must express my love for humans and their lives. I also must build a bolder life for myself and take my progression seriously enough to be as natural as habit and hobby.

Ironically enough with all this death and rebirth talk, it is the last day of August and today I finished using every page in my sketchbook as a journal and now I’m onto the next one. A black paged journal I use with white ink pens, I bought this sketchbook and the pens 2 years and some months ago. Im enjoying my consume. I see consume now as a blessing, block banging with the information so that I wont be having to block bang on others so much as my primary learning outlet. I can do this more and more with repetition. That’s all for now, later slimes.

-Slime

[taeyungie]

em, well.. he called me today. the irony of it all is apparently when i was talking w/ that 1 guy after my ex years ago, i only told him cus he asked me out & i apparently said he didnt need to know that stuff and i dont remember ever saying that but he said he was hurt/caught off guard & therefore never shared any of his personal relations with me. i think i blacked those yrs out. i went thru a very bad & messy breakup and wanted a distraction, i don't remember him ever asking me out then but he said he remembered very well. i feel so fucking stupid. this basically all happened bc of me. and u were right, he said he /always/ had those feelings even after my ex but i felt they weren't there... so i never attempted anything until i built up our relationship again which is how it is now. but, the real kicker is.. i told him that i didnt want to be put in a position where if he was serious about me, that he'd talk to other ppl, but he said im basically asking for commitment and he cant give that to me unless i show that i'm willing to let him come see me or vice versa (which i just need more time for), until then, he's not going to tell me if he's messing with anyone but he said if things do get serious with someone, then he'll let me know to not lead me on. thats not what i wanted to hear. basically he's open to whatever happens with whoever, even if he cares deeply about me, but he cant promise to not talk to other ppl and i know its selfish, i just wanted him to wait for me, esp after all this time with trying and failing with wrong timings. the way he said "IF i get into a relationship, i'll tell u" gets me cause i'll only know if he makes it official, he said thats how its gonna be. and i honestly feel like i'll end up pushing him away cus the reality of that being possible hurts too much. he said he'll just have to accept it then. but even after talking i still feel as lost. i feel sad, ashamed i said those things i truly don't remember. but now i'm confused with my feelings. i know this is going to change everything. i can already feel myself wanting to pull away emotionally & put the guard i barely let down back up 😣

i am sorry sunshine :( but i'm really happy that you guys had the talk, you need to stay in contact with him no matter what, the silence can be the worst thing to do right now, so please try your best not to become closed off. the fact that you're both so hurt by this situation is so visible, my heart is breaking. although i really do understand both of you, and he is clear about what he expects and it's in your hands to decide what to do with it 🥺 you know... you have to understand that he is just trying to be happy too, just like we all do. it doesn't mean he only cares about himself, he was there for you through the bad times and he did wait for you, honey, but the thing happened years ago and he might be just tired of waiting, he just wants to find happiness and love too... i'm pretty sure he's probably just as hurt and confused by this situation as you are, but he cares about you and he wants to be with you, but maybe he cannot handle long-distance relationship, maybe he is tired of waiting, maybe there are other reasons he doesn't want to share because it's hurting him too much at this point, yeah? he probably started closing up on you because of that as well, that's why he stated his feelings in such harsh way. he probably doesn't mean to hurt you at all, he is just trying to protect himself.

so please, don't get me wrong, i may not be giving you the best advice or making you feel better which i'm really sorry for :( but i want to stay objective because the situation is tough, and help you understand how to deal with it, to look at your situation in a different light. I'm trying to guess what can be the issue and what you guys are going through, nothing I say is 100% right because I don't know the exact details and I will never know how exactly each of you is feeling. but what i know for sure is that one can stay strong for long enough, sweetheart :(

i understand that you might have blocked out the memories because of traumatic past and that is completely valid and I'm really sorry for what you went through, you deserve the best of love and care :( it's something he should be understanding about especially that he asked you out when you were still in pain, you probably weren't ready for something serious and i will allow myself to guess the guy you talked with was not considered as something you were serious about, right? you probably hoped for it, looked for it, but deep inside you probably might've been looking for a distraction, something to make you feel better, right? and since he was your best friend it was a different situation, although he probably chose to ask in a bad moment, he shouldn't blame you entirely for that and now act like it's all your fault, but i also understand why he was caught off guard and hurt by that, he was angry and jealous, he wanted to be with you and realizing you didn't choose him was probably very painful, although now he might feel like you realized you have feelings for him because you have no other options, and he wants you a strong and secure feeling from you to feel safe in it, but please don't get upset with my words, let me tell you something first, love.

Let me tell you a story, I myself also went through a similar thing and i also had to deny my best friend a long time ago, because of other reasons but one of the main ones was long distance, i never loved him but i cared for him that's another difference because your friend actually HAS feelings for you, but i know how my friend has felt when i kept explaining him why we can't be together, it made me feel terrible. yet, his feelings for me didn't lessen apparently, and to this day, sometimes, he still implies that his crush on me never went away. but in the meantime he was in many other relationships, serious ones and purely physical ones, while also not telling me much, i probably don't know about a lot but it's his life and not my business - my point is that, he also tried to be happy even while still actively hoping i would give him a chance, because he cares for me more than he does for the people he dated (but again in my story it didn't affect me because i never loved him that way). now picture yourself in our situation, he actually does love you but you guys can't be together right now because of some reasons, and he probably isn't feeling confident about your feelings for him because of the past events, which is why he asks you for "100% yes" or "100% no" right now. unless you give him an answer he waited for for a long time, he has the right to try and look for happiness elsewhere and not involve you in it, he might not be comfortable with sharing that he is having flings with others with someone he actually loves, simply because he doesn't want to hurt you, but it's just natural that he is looking for distractions, he is not looking for someone to replace you but he's also clearly not sure of your feelings for him, do you know what i mean now? he doesn't want the past to repeat, when he already waited for a long time, maybe tried to move on even. i know you don't want him to treat you like a 2nd choice and what i just said might look exactly like he's doing it but i personally don't see it that way, that REALLY is not the case, in my opinion it's the opposite and you are clearly his 1st choice, from what i deducted he also just told you that, but since you were/are out of reach he is trying to find other ways, even if it hurts him that they're not you.

don't close your heart up on him, honey. i know you're anxious and in pain, just try to understand his position, alright? you're both hurting a lot but you care for each other deeply and misunderstanding is not something that should be an obstacle, so please, the only way out of it is to talk to each other and be honest. maybe you could consider making some sacrifices to defeat things that stay in your way of saying "yes" , if relationship with him is something you truly want?

[lovelybarnes]

baby blue- b. barnes

pairings: bucky barnes x reader, tony stark bruce banner, steve rogers, sam wilson warnings: child bucky, language, this is long. why is this so long about: requested by @cherry-season (apparently can't tag you)! bucky turns into a baby/toddler and is clingy a/n: okay so i know virtually nothing about three-year-olds. can you tell? thank you so much for requesting!! I had so much fun writing this <333

[@tylard-blog1]

bucky’s day wasn’t particularly fantastic to begin with.

he was already exhausted when he woke up in the early lights of the morning, his nightmares had kept him up all night-- which you theorized was due to the mission the day before that took place in one of the same hydra bases bucky had been held in. you had frowned when you realized it the day of, turning your attention to bucky and making sure he was okay with it because if he wasn’t, you would make sure someone else took care of it. he had insisted it was fine, even though the next night proved him wrong. you had done what you could, running your fingers through his hair and humming lightly until you fell asleep and he refused to wake you up, resigning himself to a sleepless night.

his morning started with his flesh arm reaching out to feel your side of the bed, hoping to find your soft, warm skin to pull you closer, but instead being met with the unkind sheets that missed the gentleness of your body. he had frowned when he realized you had already left for a meeting with some important hotshot in space with carol (you couldn’t find a better excuse to go get breakfast at your favorite alien restaurant with your favorite aliens) and wouldn’t be back for a solid few hours too long. groaning, and with no real reason to stay in bed for any longer without the excuse of getting to feel you for a few more hours, he dragged himself out of bed.

it didn’t get much better from there, because he was greeted with the sight of sam eating the last bowl of the last box of cereal in the whole damn tower because everyone rejected to go grocery shopping. since bucky refused to eat any of the frozen breakfasts tony loved so much and the stark kid swore were “the best thing ever,” he grunted at sam and walked away without eating, knowing he’d regret it later when his stomach would growl and you would immediately know he skipped breakfast.

for some unknown reason, tony had found out about bucky’s lack of things to do, and with a few winks and manipulative large-worded engineering phrases, convinced him to join him in the lab, which bucky had only really been able to see through the clear glass that separated the lab from the rest of the tower, and from the occasions where he would take food and drinks to you while you locked yourself away inside, building something alongside tony.

being inside, so close to the various machines and objects bucky cant begin to figure out the purpose of, his memories of being in school and at the top of his math and engineering classes bubble to the surface, filling him with the pride he remembers having every day at school. the thought that he could probably understand everything if you or tony explained it to him passes through his mind and urges him to ask tony to do just that, but tony beats him before he can get the chance.

bruce is eyeing them wearily from the other side of the lab, attention mostly on the test tubes in front of him. he gives bucky a smile when he comes in, but seems to ignore him for the most part until tony shows bucky to bruce’s work station, pointing out a blue liquid in a test tube marked TESTING. bruce’s neck snaps to them when tony open his big mouth, “you know, y/n was actually supposed to test something out for me today,” tony begins innocently, a suggestion laced in his words that bucky catches but decides to ignore because of the high he feels from understanding the equations scribbled on the clear glass, “do you know where she is?”

bucky narrows his eyes at him, then looks up at the clock, realizing it’s still a while before you get back, “not even on earth,” he recipes blandly, slyly sneaking a glance at the liquid for any indications of what it could be.

tony sighs dramatically, his shoulders sagging, “oh no, how do i test this now?” bruce shoots tony a warning glance that is blatantly ignored.

bucky’s shrugging before he can help it, the reminder that since you were going to do it, what could be the harm if he did? “i could do it.”

tony claps, “great!” he gestures to a door behind him, “please go in there to sign non-disclosure agreements and wash your hands.”

bucky’s shoved inside before he can fully understand the implications of his stupid offer.

-

the thought of asking the basic questions he should have asked before he agreed to test an unidentified liquid comes to bucky nearly an hour later, when the small vial of weird blue liquid sits in front of him, waiting to be drunk. tony and bruce sit in chairs a couple of feet away, clipboards in both of their hands, and interested expressions settled on their features.

“what does this do again?” he asks, squinting at the vial that he doesn’t notice tony isn’t looking at, furrowing his eyebrows when tony waves him off, “something super smart. no side effects or anything.” bucky’s eyes flit down to the little vial again, before they nearly bug out of his head at the humongous laser that is rolled into the room, “what the hell is that.”

“ah,” tony grins, bouncing from his seat to stand next to his invention proudly, “this is what you’re testing out.” bucky cocks his head at the man, “i thought i was drinking blue water. y/n was going to drink blue water.” tony shakes his head, adjusting some dials on the machine, “yeah, no, it was this. pretty sure i told you.”

“you didn’t-” bruce is looking at tony in concern, about to tell him to slow down so bucky has a chance to think all this through again and maybe ask if there is any chance the laser will melt him, when tony clicks a large red button and a bright white light clouds bucky’s vision just as he sees the clock on the exact same time he saw an hour ago, realizing the clock in the billion-dollar lab is broken, and you’re probably getting home any second.

“tony!” he hears bruce yell before his vision goes dark.

it’s only a second until he can pry open his eyes again, a hand curling into a fist, ready to pound stark into tomorrow when he can suddenly feel the nails of his hand digging into his palm. the surprising feeling of it where his vibranium arm should be forces him to look down at a small arm, fully skin and thin. he looks around, noticing his surroundings suddenly have grown very large around him, and the sound of his voice is higher when he tries to speak again.

“what the f-” he mumbles, cutting himself off when a sudden memory of his ma yelling at him to wash his mouth out if he wants to talk like that floods his mind, and he stares down at himself, eyebrows furrowing when he spots his short stature and the tiny hands and feet that look up at him. realization floods him like a wave, raising his chin at the two, tall, gobsmacked men in front of. “was that supposed to happen?” bruce asks quietly, nodding slowly when tony shakes his head, “no.”

there’s a light knock at the door, your hand pushing it open before anyone can stop you, and your tired face peeks in, a glowing smiling adorning your face and your eyes searching for your boyfriend, “hey, do you guys know where bucky is-” your voice cuts through the stunned silence, pausing when you catch the little boy’s eye. at first, you stare at him, your eyebrows pulling together as you get a good look at the familiar cerulean of his eyes and scan the clothing you’d seen on bucky before. for a second, everything is silent, bucky’s eyes are wide and staring as yours bore into them, searching for something you’re nearly touching until you gasp, “bucky?” you choke, reaching for him when he nods, his legs already trying to reach you as fast as they possibly can but they buckle. bucky realizes just then how old he must be now. “oh, baby,” you murmur, gathering him up in your arms before he can fall to the hard ground of the lab. “what the hell did you idiots do to my boyfriend?” you demand, turning to the two scientists who are going over tony’s notes.

bruce glances at tony, tilting his head at him as if to say him. you roll your eyes, not having any more information than when you asked, “tony?” you growl, walking over to the man, not missing the way little bucky’s hand grabs onto your shirt.

“it didn’t- that wasn’t supposed to happen,” tony defends weakly, a lazy shrug pulling at his shoulders. your eyes flash with velvet red, and, without moving a finger, tony’s pulled in front of you, wrapped in red swirls bucky can’t help but gawk at.

“fix it.” you order. tony nods, pursing his lips, “we’ll do that.” bruce looks a little taken aback, looking up from tony’s scribbles and equations. “i don’t think it’ll last more than a day,” he offers helpfully, “whatever it was tony was trying to do wasn’t either.”

bucky’s eyes start to droop, which he assumes is an effect of the sleepless night he just had on his infant body, something that usually wouldn’t affect him in his one-hundred-and-six-year-old self. he hums when he realizes the irony, leaning his head against the welcoming crook of your neck and catching your attention. you turn to him for a moment, softening a little before turning back to tony and glaring at him, “fix it.”

-

steve catches you when you walk out of the lab, his eyes nearly bugging out of his head when he spots the toddler in your arms, “holy shit, that looks exactly like bucky,” he breathes, scanning the dark mussed-up hair and stepping back when bucky opens his eyes. from next to him, sam looks from bucky to you, “did you two have a kid and not tell anyone, because this-”

“is bucky. that’s bucky.” you interrupt, looking at the toddler, “tony messed up with something and… this happened, i don’t completely… bucky’s a baby.”

steve raises an eyebrow, squinting at his best friend, “ha,” he laughs, “wow, he looks exactly like his pictures. he must be about three years old.” bucky blinks at him. “his ma said he was chatting up a storm at that age, though,” steve informs, looking back up at you. sam grins, “has he said anything? i kinda want to hear if he still sounds old.” bucky frowns at him, his pout deepening when sam bursts into laughter, “his grumpy face is the same!”

you look at your boyfriend, tilting your head and smiling a little when you realize he’s right, “you’re cute,” you coo now that you get a good look at him, “you’re so cute,” you murmur, poking his nose with your finger. bucky can’t help the blush that comes to his cheeks. but he slaps away sam’s fingers, scowling at him, “no.” he argues, “no.”

sam frowns, “no old man voice.”

“i hate you,” bucky says to sam, and you laugh, “i think we should leave for now. i need to figure out what will make three-year-old bucky not as grumpy.” sam looks at bucky’s furrowed brows and the same two little lines between them, his eyes flickering back up to yours, “i think that may just be a bucky thing.”

-

you bring bucky to the living room, sitting him down at the edge of the couch and crouching in front of him, watching him and his little crossed arms, bottom lip jutted out against his own will. bucky isn’t used to the emotional control of a child who’s three and can’t control the frustration that’s coursing through him at the moment. the only thing he knows for sure is that he doesn’t want you to leave him again.

“bucky?” you start, looking deep into the wide blue eyes that let you know it is bucky you’re speaking to. “what do you want to do? are you hungry? d’you want to sleep?” bucky shakes his head stubbornly at you, “i want tony to fix this.”

you sigh, “i know, baby. i do too, but until he finds a cure to this, you’re gonna stay small for a couple more hours.” he pouts at that, and you smooth your thumb over his cheek, “no pouting. we can do whatever you want, buck.”

just as he’s about to reject any idea you have, his stomach rumbles loudly, directing your attention to the arms that guiltily cover up his middle. “bucky... did you eat breakfast today?” you query, a lecturing tone sneaking into your words. “sam ate my cereal,” bucky grumbles, crossing his arms.

“bucky!” you exclaim, standing up to turn to the kitchen, “that’s no excuse. i told you you needed to eat--” you’re barely three steps into the kitchen when you hear the pattering of his feet towards you, grubby hands pawing at your legs.

“don’t leave,” he whines, hugging your ankles and sitting down on the floor, “you left all morning,” he mumbles, smushing his cheeks against your calf.

“i’m sorry,” you apologize, bending over to brush away the hair that falls over his eyes. “c’mere,” you murmur, reaching down to pick him up again and bounce him on your hip while you head to the kitchen. “what do you want to eat?” bucky thinks about it for a minute, before smiling, “i want pizza and ice cream.” you frown at him, “i don’t think three-year-olds can eat that. actually, i don’t think anyone should.”

after consulting google on what three-year-olds should eat, you have bucky’s head resting on your shoulder, refusing to let you put him down even as you made him the mac and cheese he had agreed to, still a little upset over the fact you wouldn’t let him eat all the other things he wanted. the only time he let you not carry him was when he was eating, still insisting you sit right next to him to watch as he smeared cheese all over tony’s expensive table.

“okay,” you whisper breathlessly after watching him eat his third bowl of the meal, “i think that’s good.” you shove the dirty dishes in the sink, washing bucky’s hands and wiping at him cheeks with a warm cloth to get the mess he managed to create off. “did you forget how to eat?” you wonder aloud when you finally fnish cleaning him up, watching his small shoulders shrug.

“what do you want to do now? anything you want,” you propose.

“i want you,” he says, reaching his stubby arms out, “cuddles. ‘m sleepy,” he yawns, making grabby hands at you when you take too long to pick him up. “bucky,” you chuckle, complying with him and bringing him into your chest, where he leans his head on your shoulder. “you sure you don’t want to play or something? you don’t want to…” you trail off, trying to think of what three-year-olds do, “walk or read or something?”

bucky grunts in your ear, his eyelids already closing again, “cuddles,” he repeats, balling your shirt up in his little hands.

“okay,” you sigh, bouncing him gently while you walk to your shared bedroom. you pick up a stuffed animal you brought for bucky from one of your most recent missions, “did you sleep last night? is that why you’re so tired?” bucky hums, cuddling further into your chest when you lay down with him on top of you. you hand him the little dog plush, pressing a kiss to his head when he takes the gift, hugging it with you. “honey, i’m sorry,” you frown, gently threading your fingers through his short hair, humming the same song bucky sings to you when you can’t get to sleep. it doesn’t take long to lull him into the calmness of rest.

you only wake up when the weight on you is suddenly multiplied, completely taking your breath away, “bucky!-” you exclaim, rolling from underneath him to meet his closed eyes. you shake your head with a light laugh, drawing a strand of hair behind his ear before you press your lips to his cheeks, snuggling in with him again, “sweet dreams, darling,” you murmur, placing the stuffed animal he dropped on your dresser.