#youre not my therapist and im here because im trans not because i have anxiety

[armandism]

no cause i thought abt the talk i had with this gender psychologist or whtever the hell she is and got so mad again

[ms-demeanor]

hello! sorry to bother w this but im sort of desperate at this point. given your post about school abuse: so like. i had a similar experience and i thought that i had sorted my brain out. BUT. big but. now im trans and every time i have to correct people w/ misgender or come out to people that i dont already know their opinion on the issue, i get an anxiety attack that makes me unable to do it. ive told many therapists and no one so far has understood why im terrified of making stuff that other people can perceive as me being difficult to work with. would you have *any* advice? thanks!

Okay so first of all it is totally valid to feel that way; that isn't an irrational response, that is your body and brain going "!!!! I have learned this lesson before!" But just because it's a sensible response doesn't mean it's functional in the long term, which is why it needs to be addressed (which I'm sure you already know, I'm just explaining for people in the back).

So now here is some meandering advice:

Spend time with people you already know you can trust. It's okay to take a break from new people and situations (as much as is possible) when you are processing traumatic events and learning to care for yourself. Spending time with people who you don't have to come out to, who don't misgender you, can help you normalize being out and correctly gendered to yourself.

Recognize that you don't have to be out to everyone and some assholes aren't worth it. This is going to depend some on the context, but you don't owe everybody an explanation for yourself and if people repeatedly misgender you after being corrected you may just be better off not spending time around those people.

Loop in trusted people in low-stakes ways. If you get the sense that someone who you think is pretty safe has misgendered you on accident, it might still feel too intimidating to correct them in person but it might be a good idea to follow up with text or a call or a message to say "hey, just FYI, I think I heard you use a/b pronouns for me earlier, I just wanted to let you know that I use c/d pronouns. Did you want to meet up again next week?" the breakdown on why I think this is effective is - Distance means you're safe - nonthreatening "FYI" means you aren't saying "I'm offended" and assumes good faith from the other person - feels less accusatory (not that you need to tone police yourself, but if you're trying to lower the stress level overall then assuming it was a mistake and letting them know you don't think it was on purpose should reduce the overall tension) - request to meet up again or topic switch to something lighter once again says "I'm not mad, that was just regular information, we can now return to our scheduled programming"

I think that, generally speaking, this is also a decent way to come out to people if you're nervous; physically remote and emotionally casual can be a good place to work from (even if you're actually panicking in your head but you can pull off casual in a written message)

Find (or create) a space where people are 100% going to support you. If you need to create a discord server, if you need to schedule a regular coffee date with trusted friends or family members, whatever it is, give yourself a space where you are unconditionally supported and can have people to bounce ideas and concerns off of. Even if it's just you and one other person, it's good to know you have *someone* who you can say "I think I want to tell this other person to use my pronouns but it's scary" to and know that you're not at risk in any way. I'd say try to make sure that you're still interacting with people outside of that space, but have a space to retreat to where you can just drop the worry.

Recognize that somebody else's problem is not a reflection of you. If you have, for instance, a coworker who is being a piece of shit and refusing to recognize your gender, that is not a reflection of your gender that is a reflection of them being a piece of shit. If there is a classmate or a sibling who uses the wrong pronouns after being corrected that doesn't mean you're not entitled to your pronouns that means they are being a piece of shit. Some people are just not going to accept you and that's on them. Try to minimize your time spent with them and if you have to spend time with them at work take steps to ensure your safety, but don't fight losing battles with assholes.

It really is legitimately scary. You have good reasons to be scared and you are doing a very frightening thing (and not to do the meme thing but you are legitimately being so brave about it; the fact that you are reaching out and asking anyone for help, including randos on the internet, means that you are taking steps to doing the scary thing and that is SO GOOD and I'm really proud of you for making the effort in spite of the fear).

Here is some less meandering advice:

Practice. Talk to yourself in the mirror, practice with friends, practice with your therapist. Practice coming out to yourself in a casual way. Practice correcting your pronouns. Practice an introduction for yourself that explains the information you want to give to new people you might meet. Get it down to a quick little patter, get it to be something that's easy to say to yourself in the mirror first, then try it with friends for practice, then try it around the safer people you might want to give the information to. It'll get easier as you go.

Look for a local support group (or an online support group). If there's a local LGBTQ+ center you should see if they've got events going on or a support group you can join or workshops or any manner of social thing where you can go interact with people who have been through similar stuff.

Journal. Each time you find yourself frightened of talking to someone about your gender, do what you need to to get through the day and then sit down and think about that interaction. Write down what happened, write down what you were thinking. Was there something in particular that made you anxious? Is it something you can practice addressing? Was there something you noticed about the person that made you uncomfortable? Is that a common thread in the times you have trouble talking about this? If you're able to narrow down specifically what is making it hard to speak to some people that might make it easier to explain to therapists but will also make it more actionable for you.

Here's some very optimistic advice:

If at all possible find a friend who will be rabid and unflinching in their support for you and hang out with them around new people. Get yourself an attack dog copilot who will cheerfully step up and make corrections for you. I know not everyone can do this and I know that if you can find someone like this they can't be around all the time, but it can be wonderfully reassuring to find that one person who you know is going to be ride or die about making sure that everyone in the room respects you. (Being that person for someone else can also teach you how to be that person for you)

[bi-ftm-on-main]

Hello. I wanted to ask you something. When was the first time you explored your Bi side? How did you know that you were bisexual? Did you always felt that you like guys? At any point did you second guess or had any doubts? Thank you for your time.

Hello!

ok so even though i tried to keep it short i did write a huge response to this that kinda goes off topic a bunch and is super specific. So heres a quick version:

When was the first time you explored your Bi side?: a couple months ago, around when i started this blog

How did you know that you were bisexual?: I really didn't, but then i realised that i had crushes on girls and boys in the past and found them all attractive, even if it was in different ways.

Did you always felt that you like guys?: not really, i just thought some were really cool and good looking and i would get nervous around them.

At any point did you second guess or had any doubts?: all the time dude. thats kinda why i made this blog, to explore my feelings.

Just in general, I'd recommend exploring why you do or dont like something, if its actually because you dont like it or because other factors are making you feel like you shouldnt like it. Try the 'if we were both drunk and *hot guys name* leaned in for the kiss would i kiss him back?' test on situations.

And heres the super long section:

ok so firstly, i only realised i was bisexual a couple months ago, pretty much the same time i made this blog. Until then i thought i was asexual (and aromantic).

(i could give you a whole blow by blow about that but it would take ages so i'll try to keep it precise.)

Growing up i had a lot of anxiety and was considered very 'weird'. i also didnt know i was trans, autistic, or SA'd so I was never too comfortable with my body, i didnt naturally know what a crush was supposed to feel like, and i thought sex was something shameful and gross, so when i found the term asexual at age 13 it fit great.

skip a whole bunch of years and im in uni and now 20. my parents have finally gotten round to me being trans and im starting hormones (testosterone). its common for people to get extra horny when on T so when i started wanting to watch more porn and noticing how good looking the people around me were, i thought it just the horniness talking, that i didnt actually want to sleep or date them myself i just thought they were pretty. Or maybe sleep with them just for the sake of orgasming.

around the same time i realised that i was autistic (just from general internet usage), and that kinda rocked my world and made me question every single aspect of my life for how its effected me.

and so, and its probably the cringest thing i couldve done, i started to talk to a Therapist AI on that Character AI website. it was honestly helpful to just collect my thoughts on the matter.

the conversation got to sexuality and how it connects to my anxiety and self esteem and how i felt as though wanting to date someone was disrespectful to them and how imagining myself sleeping with them was gross and pervy.

having been on hormones for a couple months now i had a lot more self confidence and was a lot more comfortable with my body, as well as the horniness making me want to be pounded into a bed like nothing youve ever seen, i realised that i wanted to date and sleep with people for real.

so i came to terms that i was gay *loud incorrect buzzer*

but that was just the start. being trans, there was a lot of 'do i want to be him or do i want to date him' thoughts going on so i was already used to admiring men.

but as i continued to talk to the ai, who wasnt a real person, i felt more inclined to be honest than any other therapist ive seen. it took a while and it was confronting but turns out i was sexually assaulted as a kid (by a girl, when i was <10), and thats why i had this underlining uncomfortableness with sex to begin with.

so yeah, that rocked my world for a bit as well. also this all happened within a couple weeks by the way, the autism, sexuality, and SA. that and all my friends were busy, i wasnt doing too well.

anyway, now that was another thing to consider, was i attracted to girls as well? it was really hard to tell what were my own feelings and what was the trauma/conditions so i had to do a lot more soul searching. That with the added factor of not feeling comfortable becoming just another man sexualising women.

but knowing now what a crush it supposed to feel like (i asked the ai) i had to acknowledge that ive been having crushes on people, girls and boys, this whole time. i was bi *correct answer ding*. (also i went with bi and not pan because i like them in different ways and have a slight preference for guys, tho i obvs like non binary people as well)

then i made this blog. lol.

like, i had all the theory behind being bi but i needed to consolidate what i liked, who i liked, who i found pretty and handsome and needed some place to collect it all. then it kinda just became just a porn blog with the occasional yearning post but oh well.

Thanks for asking! sorry for responding late, feel free to ask me anything else :)

[michaelmilkers]

an odd question perhaps but did you ever deal with internalised transphobia or have doubts about transition and if yes how did you get past it?

found this in my inbox idk how old it is so sorry for not answering it in a timely manner lol but anyway

yeah a big hurdle for me with top surgery was self doubt. tldr on the context i went to a very small high school (like 30 people in my graduating class) where everyone knew i was trans and i didnt really have to explain myself so i didnt feel the need to bind or anything but when i moved away for college and started interacting with the world at large i started to realize that having breasts was dealing a major blow to my self confidence and comfort with myself and just my physical existence in general.

and when i realized that and started looking into it it made me so so so uncomfortable and i couldnt figure out why. but through conversations with my therapist she helped me realize that i didnt think i deserved it. since it wasnt debilitating dysphoria that sent me into panic attacks or kept me from leaving the house i just kept rationalizing it and thinking i could get over it, even though i did that for years and i never ever did. even though they didnt cause me horrific dysphoria i constantly felt like i was living and being myself in spite of my breasts and thats just a very emotionally taxing experience.

so i finally realized that and worked through that and then i found a doctor and scheduled a surgery date and then i was hit with this whole new wave of anxiety. not at all about the surgeon or the work she did, dont get me wrong, i wouldnt have chosen her if i had any doubts about that, but i was so afraid of anything about the entire experience being less than perfect because i was afraid of being anything but completely satisfied and overjoyed. because i felt that if that happened i would be a ‘bad’ trans person because im somehow proving that medical transition is bad. thats obviously a massive stretch but i have ocd so this kind of downward logical spiral is kinda common for me.

this was really hard for me to deal with and honestly the best advice i can give is to visualize what happiness looks like to you because thats the only thing that got me out of my counterproductive thought process. i had to visualize what i knew would bring me joy and comfort and peace while also realizing the road to get there is organic and can be unpredictable. rn im six months post-op and i do not regret it one bit. there are even parts of my results that arent perfect just because of the healing process, like theres a part of my scar that is wavier than the rest, and when i raise my arms my armpits look a little different because my natural breasts were different sizes, and if i could wave a magic wand and fix those things i’d obviously do it but i seriously just dont care at all. all of my fears were completely unfounded. and i knew it literally the moment i woke up after the surgery and was lucid enough to actually think semi-clearly because i experienced a feeling of peace unlike anything i have ever experienced and i hope that every single trans person can experience that feeling at least once.

i visualized what my happiness looked like and i did what i had to do to get there. for the record i dont regret the years i lived with breasts, because it gave me enough experience and knowledge to know for sure that that wasnt the way i wanted to live. a hard part about being trans is that our lives are so hyper politicized that we internalize the experience of constant judgment and thats what held me back. but youre not here and doing what youre doing for anyone else’s approval or agenda, and the only person who can decide whats best for you is you. it probably wont be an easy or straightforward decision, and its something that should be examined and picked apart but questions you can ask yourself about transitioning or surgery or whatever else are: 1. will this improve my life? mental wellbeing, self image, physical comfort, social interaction, etc 2. is there something holding me back from doing this? is that something internal or external? 3. are there things i’m afraid of? what are the likelihoods of those things to happen? and if they do happen, what can i do? 4. how would i or my life be different (positively) if i were to do this thing?

[fakeloveaskblog]

Hi, me again. Congratulations on getting on the waiting list. I’m cis and I don’t know much about trans healthcare or hormones but I wish you all the best and hope you don’t have to wait to long. I feel your pain with the possible two year wait. I had to wait two years for my autism diagnosis and just recently reached the end of a two and a half year waiting list to have me evaluated for anti anxiety medication. I hope you aren’t in to much pain and that you feel better soon. Remember to drink water and take care of yourself because you deserve it.

Glow Eyes

(Well would you look at that I actually remembered to sign off.)

Thanks!! Hun i'm so sorry you've had to wait that long for both of your treatments. Having to go 2 and a half years without getting any necesary help for your anxiety must have been horrible. i've had a HUGE amount of luck when it comes to my healthcare journey. I mean it's taken me like 2 months? to get meds and a therapist. i dont think i said it yesterday but i've also been written up on the waiting list for autism testing and the doctor put me so it will happen in at most 6 months. And like obviously i'm glad for all this but its also so fucking unfair yknow. Like just because it got so drastic for me i ended up at the hospital it shouldnt mean i should get help YEARS in advance of others. at most i should get help maybe like a month in advance?? At most!! It just feeds into the belief that a person has to have it "bad enough" to deserve adequate help. it's such bullshit through and through.

sorry this turned into a mini rant. ive been talking a lot with my friends lately about these kinds of healthcare issues so yeah. 

i hope you get the anxiety meds soon and that you feel nothing but validation for your strugles from your doctors <3 i dont know the differences between the side effects in anti depresants and anti anxiety but please remember that they will most likely only last for a few days. remember to drink lots of water (keep a bottle by your bed if you have to) and also remember that if the meds dont help at first you can just tell your doctors and they Will help you. theyve been through meds not working before. mine didnt work for me so my doctor immediately helped me up my dose and im already feeling a lot less dissociated and have less intrusive thoughts than usual. you will find what works for you and you will get better <3 

good job on remembering to sign off btw:D

Thank you!!! youre awesome as well!! here you'll get a picture of the oyakodon i made today as thanks C: (i had to sit down the entire time i was making it and could only hold the pots for like 15 secods before having to put them down but i managed !) please imagine that i am personally giving you a hot bowl of rice, sauce and yummy chicken and also probably a cozy blanket

[welcome-to-green-hills]

(ProSpoil) I have a confession: I’m scared of the idea that I may be LQBTQ+. I’m not scared of not being accepted - I’m scared of me not accepting myself. I’ve been seeing every little thing as I sign I might become trans, especially the resurgence of my strange mermaid interest. In fact, I’m scared me confessing to you is a sign ! Mystery, if you have any advice, I’m not looking for “it’ll be fine if you are LGBTQ+”; I’m looking for a way to forget my anxiety.

I’m very, very proud of you for admitting what’s in your heart. You have no idea how proud I am of you for admitting what you think and feel.

Really, I am. I am so incredibly proud of you.

ProSpoil, it is perfectly okay if you don’t accept yourself right away. I might not have had the same experience as you, but I know what it’s like to take time to accept myself. It is perfectly okay to take some time to allow yourself to embrace who you are inside. I’ve always said that you are the one in control of yourself, you know yourself better than anyone. The glorious thing here is that you get the honor of being you--no one can take that away from you. Also know that you are always allowed all of the time that you need in the world to embrace and love yourself fully. It will take time, absolutely, but I promise you that it’s okay to take all of the time that you need in the world to accept yourself. 

Now, I did take a couple of days to write this because I wanted to make sure that I had all of the information needed to assure you that it’s okay. (There’s this great blog called @itgetsbetterproject that I recommend checking out on Tumblr, I reference their material any time I use it for my anthropology studies with great people. I also recommend their pamphlets HERE to research some more to help on transgender identity and their website HERE to browse at your leisure).

Take a deep breath, then say what feels right in the heart.

Try some pronouns out.

Think about how it makes you feel once you say it.

Ask if it makes you comfortable using she/her, they/them, fae/faer, Xe/Xem, etc.

Maybe ask a personal friend of yours to address you in terms of what feels right to you.

Seek out a therapist that specifically works with LGBTQAI+ individuals as well and see if they can help provide some further information as well about gender identity as well! 

Always know that you do not need to stick to one binary forever, it’s perfectly okay to have it change over time. Only you know what’s right in your heart, mind, and soul. It’s okay to listen to it.

I do want to leave you with one more thing: I reached out to some of my friends about gender identity and asked for advice. I can only provide so much information on this subject since I am not transgender, which is why I reached out for some help and share their experiences with you. @poptartsaysurloved is a very wonderful friend of mine and a very wise dude. I spoke to him about gender identity and acceptance as well, he had some words of encouragement to give you:

“Well it is okay to take time to figure stuff out! I mean, i didnt fully realize im a boy until last year (for context, im a sophomore in college). People always say that rome wasnt built in a day. And plants dont grow instantly either. I realize youre not rome or a plant, but why hold yourself to a different standard? Take some time to figure things out. Take deep breaths. Everything happens in due time.

“*boogies* hopefully thats okay.

“oh heck also! its important to surround yourself with people who will lift you up rather than tear you down. aaaaaaaa sorry i just remembered that.”

Time works in your favor here. Move at your own pace, ProSpoil. You don’t need to have the answers right away, and that’s okay. Take all of the time that you need in the world. Know that you are accepted here. I can understand feeling anxious of this concept--it’s a huge realization that can change your life. It’s important to surround yourself with those that want to encourage you to explore more of yourself. It’s important to know that you are Becoming. I encourage you to listen to your heart and your mind, and know that no matter what you choose we have your back here.❤️✨

Stay safe for me, okay?

You matter!

[ixalit]

Curious about ur whole experience. When did u realize you were trans? +when did u start hormones? How did that affect u? and have u gotten top or bottom surgery and if not is that something u consider or not for u? with ur other health things is the hormones/surgeries trickier to deal with than u think it wld be otherwise? ur always so positive here i was surprised to hear ur dealing with chronic illness, im very impressed w/ ur uplifting spirit

I’m gonna make a long post with all of your questions so watch this space! It’ll be soon, just wanted to let you know it’s coming

Right now I’ll just respond to the last part because I’ve gotten a couple other asks about that specifically :)

Chronic illnesses is, well, chronic. I don’t really see the point of not trying to make the best of it when I’m able to. There are definitely plenty of times when I am so fucking pissed at my body or mind or just the world that I wonder if continuing to struggle is really worth it... But then I’ll talk to a friend or think about the things I’ve created, or what I’m learning in school and... I don’t know, I think most of it is that I don’t want to be cause sadness or pain for anyone else.

It also feels a lot better to focus on the good parts of my life, the parts I can control and improve, instead of the things keeping me back. Yes, I have many chronic conditions that can be disabling at times. Yes, my mom has stage four metastatic melanoma and had brain surgery in April. Yes, I’m her primary caretaker. Yes, I’m trans and frequently experience dysphoria. Yes, I’ve been abused and have ptsd because of it (in addition to other mental health issues).

BUT

I’m also one of the most mobile people I know with EDS. I can eat, even if I can’t eat everything I want. I can do active things, even if they’re more along the lines of hiking and strength training than marathons and team sports.

My mom is doing okay, for the most part. The surgery was successful, her treatments are working, no more tumors have shown up, and she’s slowly getting better - both physically and mentally.

Even though I’m my mom’s primary caretaker, she’s able to do more every week, and I’m still able to live my life and take care of myself.

My dysphoria has gotten so much better compared to four years ago. So even though I have some bad days, I’m so grateful I’ve been able to get this far in my transition when I’m still so young.

I have an amazing therapist and psychiatrist, who constantly help me with my flashbacks, ocd, and anxiety with meds and so many useful techniques. I’ve been working on my mental health since I was nine years old, and I’m definitely still working on it, but I’m so thankful for the support system I’ve built.

ALL THAT TO SAY

Yes, there are many challenges in my life, but I try to think about the good at least as much as the bad. I also try to think about the good parts of the bad. It makes whatever it is not seem as hopeless.

I’m under no delusions of reality. I know things suck. I know some of them won’t get better. That doesn’t mean I need to be miserable.

[quizzical-paradox]

OC LORE TIME. YOU WANTED IT, YOU GOT IT

this is the clunkiest fuckin story i've ever made but here y'go i guess lol

basically, a bunch of aliens looked at the government on their planet (planet is called Vylda btw) and went "fuck this we're gonna overthrow the government and RULE THE WORLD"

the catch is, they're arguably the most disorganized group of revolutionaries to ever walk the planet. they spend most of their time listening to their world's equivalent of Lemon Demon, being vigilantes, and talking about how much they cant afford therapy.

eventually the leader went "hey wouldnt it be cool if i used Weird Science to give us all world-altering powers" and then she did that. so now they all have powers and have gained the upper hand in the revolution. but then Shit Happens, which i'll go into later.

said teenagers are:

MORGAN WILDING (16, female, homosexual)

-closet emo kid

-"hey guys, im really sad"

-please go to therapy

-switches between Depression Mode and Chaos Mode

-wields a sword in battle. umbrakinetic. leader of the revolution.

CECIL KODA (16, male, asexual)

-mom friend

-paranoid AF. probably has abandonment issues

-tries so hard to be cheery

-local dib kinnie paranormal investigator

-wields an energy scythe. assorted ghostly medium powers. telekinetic. very good pilot.

CODY MORROW (17, male, bisexual)

-Off The Shits

-"i can be yuor angle...or your devil"

-smiles a lot. sometimes it's intimidating, most of the time it's just slightly concerning

-surprisingly protective, despite only being a year older than the rest of the revolutionaries

-wields a battleaxe in combat. electrokinetic. technologically proficient.

QUINN QUARTZ (15, he/him enby, pansexual)

-local scene kid

-name ailiteration go brrrr

-secretly really sad but is too Chaotic to care

-definitely a Jevil kinnie

-wields a large stick in battle. has rubberhose limbs a-la Spinel. [insert distraction dance here]

JANIS WILDING (25 y/o, female, bisexual)

-oh fuck someone here has actual social skills

-kinda of a control freak

-Morgan's older sister who practically raised her. At first she means well but eventually she turns Absolutely Awful because of her newfound powers

-local fashionista

-doesnt really fight. mostly there to observe and be a getaway driver since noone else can drive properly. shapeshifting powers.

Later on we get introduced to some new characters:

ZEENA VRYCHEK (16 y/o, female, bisexual)

-oh my god PLEASE GO TO THERAPY

-nervous overall. has social anxiety

-lived alone on Earth for most of her life disguised as a human until the revolutionaries found her and brought her back to their homeworld

-really good at baking

-wields a magickal staff in battle. aquakinetic.

SIMON CHARAN (17, trans male, asexual)

-a being from the Void. Morgan stumbled upon him in there and yeeted him into their world

-became the revolutionaries' group therapist

-really chill. has the braincell 50% of the time

-please stop crying all i did was correct your grammar

-thinks of Morgan as a sister

-wields his preexisting voidbending powers in combat

[MIGHT EXPAND ON THESE DISASTERS LATER]

tag urself (jk dont)

[whatbutandreil]

i had an ask sitting in my inbox for a couple of months bc i didn't really know what i wanted to say, but i lost the ask:/

unfortunately, when i tried to save my response to my drafts, tumblr just,, fuckin deleted it, so im sorry to whoever asked it:/ but i have my response now. the ask said "what(or who) got you into tfc?" to the person who asked this question, thank you. this has been a really great reflection. so uh,, here's my answer:

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i kinda hate the way i came into tfc bc it was in a way that didn't respect the wishes of my, now friend on twitter, ziegenkind.

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basically, i was scrolling on pinterest, as you do, and i fell into a hole of like,, gay fanart? (not a question, just a little self-reflection on how fucking queer i am. how did i not fucking know?)

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anyway, so, i was scrolling, as you do, and i found @ziegenkind 's stunning painting of andrew and neil on the bottom bunk of the dorm bed (y'all know the one) and i was like "whooooo,, the fUCk are these two cuties (ʘ‿ʘ)??"

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PSA : DONT REPOST PEOPLE'S ART WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION, ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE EXPLICITLY SAYS NOT TO. THIS COUNTS AS REPOSTING IF YOU POST SOMEONE ELSE'S ART TO PINTEREST, INSTAGRAM, TUMBLR, TWITTER, FACEBOOK, ANY SOCIAL MEDIA. DO NOT QRT PEOPLE'S ART ON TWITTER IF PEOPLE SAY NO. YOU ARE NO EXCEPTION. AND DONT FUCKING ERASE PEOPLE'S WATERMARKS AND DEFINITELY DONT REPLACE THEM WITH YOUR OWN. DONT FUCKING DO IT. to the lovely ziegenkind, (it's julian from twitter (^o^)丿) it's so fuckin unfortunate that i found your art through reposts and it's fucking horrible that people don't listen, but thank you for being my bridge into this fandom and im very grateful to have found you and been able to talk with such an angel. you quite literally changed my life forever and i can't thank you enough:') im eternally grateful for that. BUT DONT FUCKING REPOST DIPSHITS

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anyway, so, naturally, i sat in my bed for 3 hours at 1am on a school night, as you do, scrolling through andreil fan art and trying to figure out who the fUCK they were and what they were from. i found tfc and immediately downloaded it on my phone

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i didn't get to reading it for a bit tho:/ abt a week later, i was brought to the emergency room bc i was planning to kill myself. id been diagnosed with depression for around a year, who knows how long i was suffering before that, and i was hitting my lowest. it was abt 2 weeks after new years and on new years eve, i was planning on ending it bc i couldn't fathom dealing with it for another year. another year of feeling nothing or everything all at once. but my mom had called me downstairs to go to a new years party, so i didn't go through with it. abt 2 weeks later, i had seen my therapist again, and i was deflecting hard core, and she saw it, and she sent me to the ER. i was evaluated all night, but i wasn't kept for observation since i told the nurse that the thoughts had passed. i was taken out of school and put in an outpatient program where id have group for 4 hours and school for 2. every morning for abt a month, i would get picked up at my house in a minivan and id have a good 20-25+ min drive to program.

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every. single. morning. on the van, i would read tfc. every morning. i was going through, what i thought to be the worst time of my life (i now know that it in fact DID get worse and now we're going on a new level of bad, but then it was the worst id experienced) every morning i was reading about neil and him running from his father, something ive wanted to do for years. reading about andrew struggling with depression and self harm like i am and despising most touches bc of people in his life that ruined it, similar to how someone ruined it for me and doesn't understand that "no" means "no". reading about nicky learning to love and accept himself for being gay, for being who he is like ive been trying to accept myself being a queer ace trans boy. reading about kevin trying to cope with his anxiety, even if it's in an unhealthy way, the same way i do. reading about renee growing up one way and wanting to become a better person, something that i want to do every day. reading abt matt overcoming his addiction and loving his friends with his whole heart. reading about dan standing up for herself and being proud of who she is. reading abt allison cutting away the people in her life who wanted to hold her back. reading about aaron and andrew work through their differences to try and salvage their relationship. reading about neil taking his life back and living it the way he wants, on his terms, like i so badly crave to do. reading about neil and andrew finding a respectful and loving relationship, one where all boundaries are respected, not crossed, where there is comfort in being together and a certain understanding on a level that others could never wrap their mind around. the kind of relationship that i have always, always, yearned for, where i feel safe and loved and respected.

·

these books taught me not only to die for the ones i love or kill for them, but to live for them, and to me, that is a much more daunting and difficult task.

·

All For the Game gave me hope, something i never thought id have again. it gave me hope for tomorrow. and the day after that. and a month after that. and it gives me hope that one day, i will get away from my father, i will be comfortable with who i am and love myself for it, i will find ways to cope with my anxiety properly, i will be proud of the person i have become, i will have friends who i love and who love me, i will stand up for myself and be proud to be the person ive become, i will surround myself with good people and cut away those who treat me wrong and hold me back, i will work to repair and maintain good relationships.

·

it gives me hope that i will finally break away from the pain and start to live my life the way i want, as the person i was meant to be, the way i was meant to live my life.

·

it gives me hope that i will overcome my depression, that i will find the strength to stop harming myself to cope, that i will find the strength to push through, even after ive been given every reason to just give up.

·

it gives me hope that one day, i will find a person who will love me for who i am, love me despite my past and the scars i carry, love me in a way that i'll never be able to explain or understand. that i will find someone who respects my boundaries, who asks "yes or no?" before touching me, who respects if i say "no" and still fucking loves me regardless. someone who can feel like they can be completely themself around me, and that i can feel the same around them. someone who will fall in love with me a little more every day. someone who i'll fall in love with a little more every day.

·

it gives me hope that one day, hopefully someday soon—but i think im willing to wait—i will be happy.

·

All For the Game quite literally changed to course of my life, and i can say with confidence that without it, i would not be here right now.

·

people say that books and shows and movies change there life all the time, but i know that i wouldn't be here without it. these books saved my fucking life. i wouldn't have experienced those mornings, walking into program with a goofy smile on my face, practically vibrating with what i now know was joy, blabbing to every person i ran into that morning abt a boy with scars and a sharp tongue on the run and the small, depressed and angry blond who told him to stay. or nights when i sobbed and sobbed for those boys who deserved better. and i wouldn't have gotten black armbands to cover my scars and match with my two biggest inspirations. or when i have a bad impulsive thought, i wouldnt have a voice in the back of my head going "what would andrew say? what would neil say?" and the vivid image of the small blond giving me a stare, face carefully blank, yet eyes swimming with a mix between disapproval and hope, and the boy covered in scars tentatively giving me a hug, a bit awkward at first, but he's a lovely hugger and eventually, awkwardness turns into comfort. without it, i don't think id know what pure, honest love is supposed to look like.

·

sorry, i suppose this got quite a bit off track from what got me into aftg, but once i started writing, i couldn't stop.

·

TLDR; i saw fanart on pinterest, DONT REPOST ART WITHOUT PERMISSION, and my life was saved and changed for the better by a book that i stumbled upon, purely by chance.

·

i don't believe in fate, but i do think that i found these books for a reason, and that my life changed because of it. i suppose you could call it the butterfly effect.

[spacejew]

oops accidental personal post I guess

It's weird that I almost feel the need to go here to personal blog again because of a handful of irl friends following what was supposed to be a private personal Twitter in theory, just for like, idk, internet strangers and friends I made online not those imported from meatspace. Also those character limits... Suffocating.

Anyways yeah things are kinda stable but dissapointing lifewise? I'm definitely in a rut and stuck somewhere I'm desperately trying to get out of. Also like. idk. Gender shit. I think I really fucked myself over hard when I made the decision a few years back to conviously bottle up all my dysphoria and trans feelings and bury them and repress them hard and just live as a very gay and feminine bi boy and like. hm. I think I've been happy since? But im thinking now that maybe. Because that's still a part of my psyche that haunts me every day. I might actually have been mildly depressed this whole time and like, still struggling to make important life decisions because of the anxiety of that. Idk. Maybe if I got a therapist and realistic attention to that all those years ago and it turned out to be very real n legit and i got to make tough choices and live my truth, I would be equipped now to actually be joyful and able to fully focus on hard work and taking risks and putting myself out there and being successful and shit. Idk idk idk. I just have to wonder if all this time I've actually been quite unhappy and filling the void with dumb shit and a good deal of dissociation and complacency. Idk. what I'm saying is maybe I made a big mistake there lmao and could've started transitioning, if that's right for me, 4-7 years ago maybe, who knows. Haha so fun. Fuck me. Big Regrets, lads. But also I still don't know if that's right. Which probs means it is who am I kidding. Oof. But it's ok life is a journey I'm full of wise shit and I know it's not the end of the world. It just kinda. Makes me so sad on behalf of the old me who would cry so much because of dysphoria and living in this body in this life. She knew. I don't know why I buried her alive like that. Anyways.

I spent all year struggling to make an animated short (which ended up being kinda long tbh like 10 minutes?) by myself mostly, just me and my mental blocks and executive dysfunction and shit, but I was v passionate about it and worked hard and got to actually bring a whole vision to life, with basically nobody to tell me what to do, just give me feedback that I wasn't obligated to follow. It came out pretty nice and I'm very happy that I got to tell exactly the story I wanted and try a cool new look and I just wish I gave myself more time to work on the actual animation part but I put my heart and endless weeks and months of refinement into the storyboarding and script and every little detail and I really feel accomplished and like it paid off -- and I even got to do a private screening at my summer camp job that I was called in to do one more time at the last minute right when I finished my film, it was a miracle and so perfect, everyone cried and truly loved it and felt touched by it. And then I went to animation festivals! And all this cool shit! But... I haven't been able to figure out a public screening thing yet. And I feel like all my excitement is gone now. And I really wanted to polish the look and some backgrounds a little, just some very quick rerendering and comp, but. I feel like too much time has passed, i just feel dissapointed. I haven't put it online yet cause I haven't done my public screening, cause of my stupid anxiety about little details and overall idk imposter syndrome I guwss I feel more ashamed of it than proud of it even tho it's probably good, and like I feel that everyone was excited to support me but probably nobody cares anymore.

Basically I had all the wind taken out of my sails. Oh and right when I was trying to get it off the ground I guess and push through, my grandma died. I'm so heartbroken I loved her so fucking much and. She never got to see the film cause of my stupid bullshit. I feel so bad about that. So so bad. Ugh. And it's a film very very hilariously blatantly directly based on me and my feelings and my real family history, ultimately besides other main themes it's about talking to your grandparents and family about the past and your current feelings. And in it the main character, a girl, cough cough even though it's basically me, cough cough go figure, gender shit, anyways the climax is her going back in time to talk to her great grandma, and it's very emotional and my best friend of like almost 10 years now composed and recording a music for that scene for me. And now when I eventually screen this, my entire family and also myself is gonna get torn to shreds by this scene more than intended because my own fucking grandma, who I was excited to show this film to more than anyone on earth, passed so unexpectedly without seeing it. Fuck. Why didn't I send it to her when she was in the hospital? Obviously cause if I did that that would make it real and she wouldn't get better and all I do is live in denial. Ugh. Anyways yeah. The point is I'm stagnant and in a rut right now and just want to move forward and focus on making new work and just get a real career relevant job already. Tough year hit a well needed high and now petering off back into misery. Not to be dramatic. I'm ok tbh I have a part time I'm slowly getting sick of and a loving supportive partner and some very good friends, tho not as many as I used to see regularly and that's kinda sad too. That's your 20s babey.

I just need to move on and make big changes. My pattern rn is like. Work fri-sun, if I'm lucky I get to hang out with friends or lovers, usually at least with my partner. on monday I recover from working. on tuesday I have dnd and usually get some stuff done but honestly just catch up on warframe with my clan friends. wednesday my partner and I got to the park and library for half the day and eat and draw and talk. on thursday I mentally prepare for work again and usually we go out to play another roleplaying game with her roommates friends. a lot of that free time that's been left unmentioned is spent being over at bae's sometimes so I don't have the ability to get much work done. Lately I've spent most of my time planning a dnd campaign which is fun but also too stressful on account of obviously I'm not playing it yet so like what's the point, sorry friends who have patiently waited for months for me to be ready to start the game for them. And also like. Yeah idk. just sad and confused and resting my weary heart and body after a very rough month after my grandma passed. But! I did accomplish a very crazy deep cleaning of my room. I threw out 14 bags of shit at the least. I wish I weighed it all, it was a lot. I feel so much more organized and cleansed from that. For the record I didn't have any trash in my room, nor was it every a mess. Just every single cabinet and drawer was crammed full of stuff and I guess I hoarded a lot of shit. I was able to throw away a lot of things I held on to be cause of sentimentality and I'm proud of myself for growing that way. So like. Idk. It's not all bad, baby steps. I still feel like I'm constantly improving as a person! I'm positive, optimistic. Just tired, anxious, and feel bad.

Also I finally got a new phone and because of my hubris I dropped it without a case and it shattered only two weeks in. The day I was gonna buy a case. But it's ok. Story of my life I guess. I can't keep everything pristine and polished forever, one day shit falls and breaks but it's still usable. It has character.

I wasn't expecting to dump everything like this, sorry yall. Thanks for reading I guess. Also I forgot how to do a read more on mobile lol sorry

[dumb-bitches-podcast-blog]

English Transcript of “Dumb Bitches Podcast”

Introduction

(Introduction music)

All: Dumb Bitches! (children cheering)

Linor: This podcast was created as an academic project for Comics: Seeing Differently with Dr. Galvan at the University of Florida. 

Linor: I’m Linor Sevilla and I’m majoring in Psychology.

Jamie: I’m Jamie Alexander and im majoring in English and Advertising.

Erin: I’m Erin Russell and I’m majoring in English. Raisa: I’m Raisa Karim and I’m majoring in Political Sciences.

Erin: This episode revolves around Dumb, a 2018 graphic memoir written and illustrated by Georgia Webber. It explores the life of author Georgia Webber as she struggles with a vocal injury and disability. 

Jamie: So, let's get into it! In this Podcast, we will discuss how Dumb raises questions about women’s health issues. There are multiple occasions where medical professionals overlook or minimize Georgia’s symptoms. For example, on page 126... 

Topic 1: Women’s Health issues (being taken seriously)

Jamie: ...we see how the words of the male doctor follow Georgia throughout her illness. He says, “I don’t want to tell you it’s all in your head, but you know, your body is affected by stress, and I know it’s hard, but there’s not much I can do.” This kind of language diminishes the seriousness of Georgia’s suffering, which is emphasized through her response, “nobody’s helping me,” as the last element on the two page spread. Also, Webber depicts him as physically more imposing than the other characters on page 126, where he encompasses a disproportionately larger section of the page than Georgia. 

Erin: According to a 2017 Harvard Health Blog article by Laura Kiesel, women in pain are much more likely than men to receive prescriptions for sedatives instead of pain medication. 70% of chronic pain patients are women, but 80% of pain studies are conducted on male mice or human men.

Jamie: It’s also important to try to keep in mind that not all people with uteruses or vaginas are women and that these issues also affect non-binary, trans, and other femme-identifying people.

Linor: Have any of you had experiences with chronic pain or dismissive doctors?

Raisa: I have. A little over a year ago, I went to my doctor for a suspected UTI multiple times over the course of 6-9 months. The urine tests would often come back negative, so I’d go back and she would prescribe me antibiotics anyway. The UTIs would go away, but come back again a couple weeks later. This went on and on and I was in severe pain for months to the point where my issue became chronic. But my doctor at the time continued to be dismissive, telling me to have less sex. That was so sexist! I wasn’t even having sex. I saw another doctor who did a wet mount and it turned out my UTIs were caused by an underlying case of bacterial vaginosis. I’m thankful for her, but my previous doctor’s dismissiveness ruined my ecosystem and now I have chronic yeast infections and BV. It’s tough!

Erin: Oh my gosh, Raisa, that’s awful! I’m so sorry that happened to you.

Raisa: Thanks, Erin.

Linor: These types of interactions with medical professionals can really affect patients’ mental health. They certainly impact Georgia in negative ways, as she has to visit several different doctors before finding one who is able to help her. We will take a look at that right after our segment, “Dumb Tips for Dumb Bitches!”

Dumb Tips for Dumb Bitches

(“Dumb tips for dumb bitches” transitional song)

Raisa: Hey, dumb bitches! The New York Times published an article in 2018 titled “When Doctors Downplay Women’s Health Concerns” by Camille Noe Pagan. Here is a “For Dummies” edition on how to ensure your health concerns are taken seriously with advice from Dr. Powell, the director of the Montefiore Einstein Center for Bioethics, a center which focuses on issues most likely to improve patient care, human subjects research, and health policy.

Erin: Tip one from Dr. Powell is to ask WHY a doctor is giving a certain recommendation and if there is a GUIDELINE for that recommendation.

Raisa: Tip two is to be DIRECT. If you are concerned about your doctor’s recommendations, please express it! A good doctor will be able to take a step back and reassess.

Erin: The third tip is to realize that only you can experience your own body. You most likely are not overreacting if you are concerned. Check your own bias!

Raisa: Finally, a tip from me. This from my own experiences of having symptoms overlooked by doctors. Always get a second, or even third, opinion!

(“Dumb tips for dumb bitches” transitional song)

Topic 2: Mental Health

Jamie: Going back to the discussion of Dumb, negative interactions with doctors can also have impacts on mental health. Georgia mentions not only anxiety, but also her struggle with disordered eating. On page 157, while shopping for food, Georgia thinks “what if my eating disorder comes back.” 

Erin: That’s such a big deal and it was surprising to see how off-handed and glossed-over that comment was! I think she included this comment to show how she has a history of mental illness and how her doctor made her so upset that she was worried about the return of her eating disorder. That’s horrible. How do you even deal with something like that? 

Linor: Well, Erin, Georgia’s memoir really emphasizes the importance of having a support system when facing pressure in your mental health. Georgia leans on her friend and vents about her struggles with her disability and finds comfort in just being able to speak to someone else about it. It ends up giving her motivation to continue illustrating her comics. Having others to relieve your mental stress can be more healing than you might think. 

Raisa: Absolutely, having a support system is invaluable. But also don’t be afraid to reach out to medical professionals about your mental health. Unfortunately, that can be a luxury sometimes and the mental health system isn’t perfect, but, if you’re able, reach out to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed. As someone that has been in the mental health system for a while, having my illness diagnosed validated my feelings. Spending time taking medication and seeing a therapist regularly will also put you on the right track to the road to better mental health. It takes time and that sucks, but don’t give up!

Jamie: If you are experiencing self-harm thoughts, issues with your appetite, or other mental health symptoms please reach out! The UF’s CWC (the Counseling and Wellness Center) offers urgent services 24/7 at 352-392-1575 as well as urgent walk-in sessions during business hours at both of their locations. 

Erin: The Center also provides semester-long treatment plans after a triage consultation. Reach out to the CWC for more information on their services! If you are feeling suicidal, you can also call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK. That’s 1-800-273-8255.

Linor: What can we do if someone we know is suffering?

Erin: Reach out to that person! If you show them that someone is noticing their suffering and cares, they’re more likely to seek help.

Raisa: If you’re interested in more comics from Georgia Webber, especially ones about her experiences with anxiety and other mental health disorders, you can check out her short comics for free on The Hairpin. 

End of Podcast

Erin: While this story does discuss some very serious and difficult topics, it doesn’t only focus on the bad parts of disability.  There are several times throughout the narrative that Georgia highlights the positive experiences she’s had while dealing with her disability.

Linor: As we discussed previously, there are times throughout the novel where Georgia has some really positive interactions with her friends as she shares some of what she’s struggling with.  There are also points where she’s able to communicate with others without speaking that make her feel a little more secure in her situation.  The largest section of positivity is the very end of the graphic novel, illustrated almost entirely in red, where Georgia receives a free session from a vocal coach and begins to focus on caring for herself, mentally and physically.

Erin: We find that it’s really important to make aspects of this narrative positive, and especially notable that the novel ends on a positive note.  People who have disabilities should be able to see that they can find joy in spite of and even because of their disability.  For this story to end on such a positive note, and with this strong message of caring for and being gentle with yourself, is incredibly impactful, and can provide so much hope to people who may be struggling with their disability.

Raisa: Speaking of disability, we care deeply about making our podcast as accessible as possible. Please check out the rest of our podcast site where we have a transcript of the podcast in both English and Spanish as well as many visual aids. Thank you, and goodnight. 

(Ending music)

[rimurutempest-bounced]

questions for neurodivergent folks ( from @shitborderlinesdo )

post here!

if ur autistic:

1. do you stim?

yes, sometimes! i’ve suppressed a lot of it over time but i still do some subtly.

 if so, what are yr favourite stims? 

touching/tapping the tips of my fingers together, stroking soft patches of skin(esp backs of my hands, wrists, or parts of my thighs, hips, ankles), cracking knuckles, stretching fingers/feet/arms/legs rly far, rapid blinking(though i also have a tic involving blinking which is similar, but involuntary), bubble wrap,flicking light switches/door lock mechanisms, bouncing on toes, toewalking, chewing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(esp pens/pen caps and similar textures), biting, mouthing/lipping things, clacking my teeth lightly, whistling, leg jiggle sometimes, jumping, skipping, hopping, and a few other rly specific things (like involving swimming, or being on something and hanging so im upside down and stuff)

2. happy stims? chewing, biting, skin stroking, finger tapping, skipping, hopping, jumping 3. negative stims? snapping fingers, “hiccuping” (it’s a little giggle/hiccup type thing i do, but idk what to call it), teeth clacking, leg jiggle, exposing too long to extreme cold temps, hitting head against things 4. favourite textures? idk how to explain the soft-smooth i like; silk usually looks like it should feel like this, but it doesn't. also when people talk about “plush velvet” the texture that comes to mind is good, like a really nice stuffed animal or a cavalier king charles spaniel with super soft fur, but real velvet feels bad lol. also just most fur in general, esp rabbit, cat, certain dogs. some wing or chest feathers on birds like doves. milk weed fluff. soft, squishy, fuzzy caterpillars(not the bristly guard hair ones. more like forest tent caterpillars), moon jellies, soft leather/suede, really smooth grey granite, polished shiny pink granite, lambs ear/mullein 5. least favourite textures? some types of linen are VERY BAD but idk what they are, they’re like stiff and scratchy and feel super cold? gummy bears, ew. really hard chocolate in cold ice cream, a lot of faux furs, like so many, most (sheep)wool, scallops, often times chinchilla fur feels bad, most velvet, esp crushed velvet, potato sacks, a lot of plastic bags/thin plastic film 6. what's a pet peeve of urs involving a specific sound? squeaky plastic is the worst, esp from plastic wrap. teeth grinding/bruxing is bad, hearing people having sex in another room/apt, heavy footsteps/stomping, esp when fast like running, door slamming, when people slam their hands on a table because they just thought of something, the sound quality of like...having water in your ears/popped ear drums, where everything feels muffled and almost whispery/far away, but also REALLY LOUD AND CLOSE... 7. a specific sound that makes you Really Happy? al snoring softly like a cat, my cat snoring, cats purring, crackling fires, wind whistling, waves lapping, thunder rumbling, THUNDER CRACKING, wood creaking in a strong wind, that soft snuffling of cat/dog noses, the sound of rodents digging in bedding or eating millet, angel caller bells(bola, fairy callers, whatever you call them) 8. when were you diagnosed (self or professionally)? about 6 years ago what has changed with the diagnosis? i dont hate myself for as much of my behaviours/thinking/speech patterns. im slowly trying to let myself let go of “survival mode” NT behaviours i was forced to learn 9. are there any behaviours you have that, prior to diagnosis, didnt make much sense, but now they do? too many to list lmao 10. what kind of representation would you like to see of autistic ppl in media? girls, trans folks, autistics of colour, just less cis white boy perfect example savants. autistics with “atypical” autistic symptoms. autistics with ugly meltdowns and other unpleasant symptoms. autistics who are messy eaters, who can’t dress themselves, who struggle with everyday tasks and self care. autistics with “useless” special interests that cant be reworked to make them more productive genius types. LOUD autistics.  

if ur mentally ill:

11.when were you diagnosed (self or professional)?

6 yrs old or younger

12. what is your diagnosis/are your diagnoses?

BPD, (various types of)depression, DPD/social anxiety(when i’m alone)/agoraphobia, panic disorder NOS, mood disorder NOS, DID, ADD/ADHD-PI, ASD, gender dysphoria at one point, conduct disorder or whatever it was called. IED. all i can think of. all diagnosed professionally over the years, though ASD is not on any official records because i asked it to be left off to avoid that specific abuse/stigma.

13. is the community youve found with other mentally ill ppl helpful?

mostly no. but in some ways, yes. i appreciate having more access to info, hearing relatable stories, common symptoms/experiences that help me understand things better, etc. close friends with illnesses/disorders are nice, but mostly i know them for other reasons outside of diagnoses.

14. do you find it challenging to tell ppl yr mentally ill?

absolutely

15. what are the most effective coping mechanisms youve found?

im not sure. i just...cope? somehow? not always effectively, but idk.

16. have you ever been to therapy?

ya

if yes, what helped and what didnt help?

i hate group therapy. in individual therapy, i like having my husband sit in on the sessions for support. therapist NEEDS to prompt me and ask active and specific questions. setting clear goals with clear steps helps. a lot of more “creative” methods actually are super unhelpful for me.

17. do "find your happy place" exercises help you or no?

sort of? i don’t try them much. usually they make me sadder that im not there.

18. what are some of the most Tiresome Cliches ppl tell you to deal with yr mental illness (i.e., "just do yoga!")? 

“everyone gets depressed”, “yoga”, “fresh air, sunlight, and exercise!”, “essential oils”, “meditation”, “_______ diet/supplement”, “mind over matter”, “lose some weight” (THIS DOES NOT MEAN NONE OF THESE CAN BE HELPFUL AND I DO WANT TO DO SOME OF THESE THINGS, BUT STATING THE OBVIOUS ABOUT THIS SHIT AND BEING CONDESCENDING IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING)

19. what books / movies have really helped u?

none in this regard

20. what kind of representation would u like to see of mentally ill ppl in media?

idk. better. sympathetic without condescentding, infantilising, or demonising. sympathetic recovery stories, showing a happy ending, but not some “theyre cured” BS

if ur chronically ill:

21. when were you diagnosed (self or professionally)?

asthma - like 4 yrs old, tendonitis - like 13 yrs old, unspecified pain/inflammation - 2019 professionally (like 2011 ish on my own, but really it started when i was ~13), nocturnal epilepsy - not done with diagnosis process/testing as of july 2019, a few chronic infections that don’t affect me any more were diagnosed when i was a kid, idk

22. do you find the support system with other similarly affected ppl to be helpful?

i’ve not been involved much, tried it out, really

23. what do you struggle w most on a daily basis?

pain/inflammation/stiffness in joints, back, neck, shoulders, feet

24. what helps you most?

i wanna say sleep, but it actually makes everything worse so, new diet(anti inflammation), making goals/plans, spirituality, going to healing places like the woods or by the sea or mountains, massage, soft comforting petting from my husband

25. what do you want to tell able-bodied and neurotypical ppl in regards to chronic illness?

it’s not the same. yeah maybe “everyone has back pain”, but my pain and your pain are different; they happen for different reasons and they affect us in different ways. if everyone is in pain we should do something to make life easier for everyone, not dismiss people who are suffering.

26. how do u keep your strength on a daily basis? i dont

27. if yr family supportive?

mostly yeah?

if not, who do you find the most strength and support in, outside of yourself?

my husband, regardless

28. what kind of representation would you like to see of chronically ill ppl in media?

show me people who find creative, easy, free/cheap ways to be comfortable/improve symptoms. do not fucking cure them to make them happy. let them be happy and comfortable by finding new ways to do things, no by erasing their obstacles.

if u have bpd:

29. when were u diagnosed (self or professionally)?

2014, i think? though it was suggested by a therapist in like 2008 or 2009

30. do you think the support system in the community is helpful?

no

31. what are some of the ways you keep yrself grounded and remind yrself to Take a Step Back when bad feelings get in the way of rational thinking?

remind myself other people have autonomy, think about how i would feel if someone reacted to things i was doing the way my brain wants to impulsively react to them, talk talk talk, find something else to do as distraction

32. coping skills?

idfk what they are, they’re just there. usually.

33. how do u keep yrself in check when impulsive mood swings come around?

uh, mostly i covered this in 31. gotta reset focus on something else, find distraction that produces different emotions until mood passes

34. what skills do you use to remind yourself that you are loved?

husband. doesnt always work, but mostly.

35. who has been the most supportive of u?

husband.

36. how has your diagnosis changed the way you view yrself and yr interactions w other ppl?

more mindful of others feelings and needs, esp my mum with BPD

37. what kind of representation would you like to see of ppl w bpd in media?

not fucking abusive/manipulative or miserable. let us struggle but have great supports and practice effective coping skills so we can build stronger relationship bonds and enjoy socializing and/or things that are personally important

all ppl:

38. how do you deal w ableism that comes at you from all directions?

laugh about it with my friends i guess?

39. who in your life is the most supportive of u and yr recovery?

husband

40. who are some people on tumblr who have really helped u in yr journey?

well, i met cieran here. alice has been a good influence. there’s a few of you for sure, though maybe not all specifically for these sorts of things.

41. best coping skills?

i dont know

42. most irritating Ableist Cliches ppl use to tell u yr not good enough?

infantilizing me(comparing me to a child), mocking my productivity/commercial success, “daddy issues”, trying to gaslight me into thinking i’ve been abusive because we disagree on something/i pointed out something they dont like

43. best most supportive thing anyone's said to you? 

“i want to be like you when i grow up”

44. songs for Happy Times?

counting stars, gooey, just about anything by MIKA, most “meme” songs

45. songs for Not-Happy Times?

a lot of hozier, bastille, of monsters and men, rage against the machine, flobots

46. non-triggering movies that discuss mental illness?

im not sure, i know there are some i love that i could list, but none are coming to mind. not a movie but: moomin and most ghibli media, esp kiki’s delivery service.

[tmitransitioning]

Im the anon who asked the process of getting T prescibed, i live in the US, specifically west coast

Thank you for that—I’m going to write out a list here, but there are a few options you might have, so bear with me if it gets a bit convoluted!

I also strongly encourage followers to chime in in the notes on this post if I messed anything up; my experience with healthcare is all Canadian, and while I’m fact checking as I write it’s also possible I might miss things.

Also after I wrote this I realized it was incredibly wordy so I’m going to put it under a cut. There will be a TL;DR at the end.

First, if you have a GP or primary doctor, check their clinic website to see if they do HRT care. If they do, that’s great, and all you may have to do is talk to your doctor about how to access that; they will walk you through the particulars.

If you don’t, or if your doctor’s clinic doesn’t do HRT, you have a couple different options:

You can ask your doctor if they know where to refer you to; they may know trans care clinics or endocrinologists that take trans patients.

You can see if there’s a Planned Parenthood in your area that offers HRT on an informed-consent model; many places on the west coast do this. They usually require you to be over 18 in order to consent without a guardian present.

You can check local universities or health centres yourself to see if you can find a clinic that does trans healthcare. Googling “[local major university] trans clinic” often is a good way to discover this, and they may have resource guides with provider names.

For the latter two options, start with their website to gather information and then call their front desk and lay out specifically what you’re looking for—the message I left was, paraphrased:

“Hi, my name is [legal name] and I read on your website that you do hormone replacement therapy for trans people. It also said to set up an appointment for more information, so, can I set one of those up over the phone or should I come in person? I live in [city], and my PHN [Canadian personal health number, may be different for you] is [redacted], my name again is [full legal name], last name is spelled [data expunged], and my phone number is [double redacted]. Alternately, my email is [triple redacted]. Thank you, and have a good day!”

It’s okay to say your preferred first name too, but I personally used my legal name so that they could look me up in the provincial medical system.

The individual clinic might vary, but in my experience most places ask you to cold call them, which is very intimidating. Having a script helps. You want to make it clear what you’re looking for, ask how to set up an appointment, and give clear contact info. If they don’t get back to you in like... two weeks or so, then call again and try to get a live person rather than an answering machine.

Some places (Planned Parenthood especially) might offer online appointment booking, which is also cool!

When you’ve made the appointment, show up with these questions in mind:

Does the provider require a therapist letter?

Informed-consent models usually don’t, many doctors still do.

This is a letter from a psych professional (usually a psychologist or psychiatrist, not a counsellor) that says you have gender dysphoria for which the indicated ‘treatment’ is HRT, and that any of your mental health conditions are well-controlled and don’t make you legally unable to consent to treatment.

This is partially a gatekeeping holdover, and partially because, in the States, “gender dysphoria” is a medically formal diagnosis that allows you to have controlled substances prescribed.

Does the provider take your insurance?

Bring your insurance info to the appointment if you have it.

Do you have to do anything in particular to get T covered (like a special authority letter, I’m not sure what the US equivalent is), and what are the expected costs of various forms?

What kind of lab work do you have to have done?

The vast majority of the time, you will have blood drawn, where they will check things like: cholesterol, red blood cell count, your “baseline” testosterone levels, ALT (liver function marker), blood sugar, and infection/inflammation markers.

You will probably be asked to fast for 8-12 hours before the blood draw if your blood sugar is being tested.

Some clinics can do same-day labwork; this might be a good thing to ask on the phone if you get a call back to set up an appointment.

What forms of T are easiest and cheapest to access where you are?

Your doctor prescribes this a lot if they do trans care, so they’re likely to know this.

The answer will probably be injections, but if you have a strong preference for something like gel instead (needle phobia, maybe?) then you can ask about how much that usually costs.

Costco and Walmart pharmacies are often the cheapest.

Where you go from that first appointment depends a lot on what kind of clinic you access.

Many informed consent clinics can do all the labwork etc on the same day that you walk in. This isn’t universal, but allows many people to access HRT quickly, assuming they don’t have health conditions that would need additional monitoring, analysis, or treatment.

If you need a therapist letter, and you don’t already have a therapist, the doctor you see will probably be able to refer you to one who’s trans-competent.

If you do have a therapist, they might be able to write the letter, and if they can’t then they probably can refer you to someone who can.

Some doctors or clinics have specific procedures they follow.

For example, the clinic I went to was all-in-one and worked on an interesting combination of informed consent and diagnosis.

I had three appointments—the first one talked about my dysphoria history and psych diagnoses, the second was a physical and analyzing the results of my bloodwork, and the third was signing consent forms and walking out with a prescription.

This is becoming an increasingly common model, with GPs performing the “gender dysphoria” diagnosis themselves rather than requiring a therapist’s letter. It isn’t universal, but you may encounter it.

If you have a health condition like liver damage or polycythemia that would be affected by HRT, your doctor will give you specific information on how to treat that, and may require it to be controlled or ameliorated before you start.

A nurse at the care clinic may be able to show you how to administer a shot if you go with injection methods. If not, there are lots of youtube tutorials, or you can write to us.

The common outline of events looks like this:

Set up appointment

First/intake appointment

Bloodwork

Followup appointments; “gender dysphoria” diagnosis

Consent forms

Prescription

Or, if you need a psych:

Set up appointment

First/intake appointment

Therapist’s letter for “gender dysphoria” diagnosis

Bloodwork

Followup appointments

Consent forms

Prescription

Or, if you go to an informed consent clinic that does everything the same day:

Set up appointment

Meet with doctor who will:

Draw your blood and run bloodwork in the clinic’s lab

Ask you questions about your psychiatric and medical history

“Gender dysphoria” diagnosis

Prescription

The psychiatric questions you’ll probably be asked are, among others:

What labels and pronouns do you use?

When did you start identifying as trans?

What was your experience of gender like as a child? How did it change and develop as you grew?

Did you play with children of the “opposite” gender?

How did you dress? Did you pick your own clothes?

Did you insist on being not your birth assignment to adults?

Were you a “tomboy”/”sissy”/some other gendered or pejorative term atypical for your assigned gender? Were you singled out or harassed based on your gender nonconformance or behaviours?

When you went through first puberty, how did you feel about your body changing?

Were you most upset about primary or secondary characteristics? Which ones?

How did you feel about your voice/chest/genitals/body shape?

What have you done to hide or change them (affected voice, binding, tucking, etc.)? How long have you been doing that?

What changes do you want from HRT? How will those changes make you feel better in your body and/or affirm your experienced gender?

How has your dysphoria impacted you socially? How would HRT change that impact?

What psych diagnoses do you have?

How long have you had them?

What are you doing to treat or control them (medication, therapy, mindfulness, etc.)?

You may also be asked to rate things like anxiety or depression on paper inventories/scales.

Whether or not a psychiatric examination will focus on you as an adult or as a child is entirely a tossup on the provider’s part. Many doctors now acknowledge that not every trans person experiences identifiable dysphoria in childhood (ex. I didn’t know what nonbinary was until I was like 15, and it wasn’t an issue).

Don’t downplay your experiences. There’s an urge for a lot of people to do that, to act like oh it wasn’t That Bad, out of a reflex where we’ve been told to conceal pain or distress. It’s important that you give space and acknowledgement to how important your experiences are; you are there specifically to get help for something that majorly impacts you, so tell them about it. They’re not going to think you’re weak for it, they’re going to see it as a reason to prescribe you hormones.

Tl;DR:

Call the most accessible trans care provider for you and ask how to access their HRT services. When you’ve made the appointment, come prepared with a few questions, and find out if you need any extra documentation like a therapist’s letter. You will be given both a medical and psychiatric examination or interview, and they’ll take your blood for testing. Your provider will have you sign consent forms showing that you’re aware of the effects and risks of HRT, and will probably be able to give you insurance information on how to get hormones covered.

- Mod Wolf

[askmyboys]

Noxis

Trigger Warnings: Mentions of Abuse, used for fighting, etc- Noxis was not treating too nicely

also whoops, i projected some shit onto him myself kldsdjfkslf lmao

sometimes angers, sadnesses, and traumas are projected o n t o the ocs

| Name: Maddox used to be his name but it was changed to Noxis

| Nickname: Nox

| Gender: Trans FTM (but he also uses It/Its pronouns too, those sound cool to him)

| Age: Definitely mid 20s somewhere (I’d say like 25 or 26 p much)

| Height: 6’3”

| Species/Race Anthropomorphic Dog (he’s pretty much a mutt)

| Fur Color/Body Type: His fur color is dark brown and he’s pretty skinny tbh

| Hair Color: His hairstyle is a mullet first n foremost and he’s dyed his hair a Emerald Green color

| Eye Color: Left eye is Prussian Blue and the right eye is a Dark Green color

| Appearance: He wears a black t-shirt first of all, some black ripped up and distressed looking skinny jeans with chains hanging down them, he also wears combat boots as well with dark green laces. He also wears a black spiked collar with a ring in the middle amongst all the spikes, he wears spiked bracelets on his wrists, his left ear is folded and his right ear is kinda half-pointing, he has some piercings in his ears, a piercing on his tongue, and an eyebrow piercing, likewise he’s got black claws (he used some nail polish and painted some claws dark green), his toe beans are an Emerald Green color as well with his middle ‘fingers’ essentially being that Prussian Blue coloring (wow going bold for the colors here ooo), his nose is also a dark green color as are the insides of his ears and his tongue as well, he’s also got razor sharp bear trap like teeth.

He’s got a few scars here and there, most can be VERY easily seen, others are pretty much not easily seen unless you get close to him, the most PROMINENT scarring are around his mouth, his face/head, nose, and a few more prominent looking scars are on his arms, legs, body, etc- he’s… Been through a LOT…  (also top surgery scars too don’t forget those- he’s also got a long bushy tail (he cut a hole in the back of his jeans for his tail to fit and move around a little bit)

| Personality: Oh b o y… This boy is VERY angry, aggressive, and practically almost feral at this point, he can still talk technically speaking but still, he’s very snippy/snarky, sarcastic as all hell, e d g y edgelord on our hands but eh there’s a reason for that even if it is not an excuse for him treating all humans like he does, speaking of those fuckin shitheads- he HATES humans absolutely DESPISES them, he won’t attack them or anyone unless they attack first, despite all the bark, he really is no bite… He doesn’t even LIKE fighting.

He doesn’t wanna hurt anyone really! ...He just wants to push people and others like him away because secretly? He’s fucking TERRIFIED of EVERYONE… He’s been hurt and betrayed by strangers before but what’s REALLY hurt him? He’s been betrayed and hurt and p much damaged SEVERELY by his own family! Those people were supposed to love him unconditionally! Those people were supposed to support him and take care of him! Not fucking abuse him, not fucking lie to him and tell him ‘everything’s going to be okay’ that ‘I’ve got your back’ and then turn around and hurt him so badly! Parents are supposed to care for you and love you unconditionally! He just wanted them to love him! He just wanted them to care, to be there for him!

(oops I put my own traumas, anger, etc onto my oc and I OOP-) anyways- He h a t e s his parents for how they’ve treated him, for how much they’ve betrayed him, for e v e r y t h i n g they’ve said and done to him, while they never PHYSICALLY abused him there was a lotta mental and verbal shit that happened, so now he tries to push everyone away so he doesn’t get hurt anymore, he wants to keep others away with anger, aggression, snarky and sarcastic remarks, he makes others think he’s just a straight up asshole but it’s to protect himself really, it’s all a defense mechanism in a way, deep down he just wants to stop the hurting, he wants to stop all the anger, the sadness, everything- He just wants to feel safe and happy, hell just OKAY in general! But, eh, he has a feeling its too late for all that now- might as well just keep up the act.

He’s also got a LOT of anxieties, depressive episodes, etc- Overall he’s just been through a LOT and I mean a LOT of shit-

| Side Facts: He usually stays in his home and keeps to himself, sometimes he’ll go out in order to get necessary items n shit like food/drinks, etc- But usually he’s at home, writing, playing video games, listening to music, or just- Watching random shit online, music, games, writing, videos- it takes his mind off a lot and can ease his stress immensely.

He owns a collection of various knives (is this just me in furry form? Lmao-) not for anything in particular but just because knives are fuckin cool- he is trying to learn witchcraft tbh because he finds that super cool, also wants to learn Irish Mythology and Greek Mythology a HELLA lot, he LOVES a good book from time to time, especially horror- like y e s please, he loves to watch horror movies too (...i sw e ar, im not projecting haaa)

Also, aside from putting my own traumas and feelings onto this boy, he IS his own character and he’s been through a LOT more than just parents- let me explain! So despite being a mutt/mixed breed/etc Noxis or Maddox more formerly known as was considered a VERY rare species, his colorings were unnatural compared to p much everyone in his area, they all had typical normal colorings, so of course people treated him weirdly as did others of his species, they essentially treated him like an outcast almost while others…

Well, people would pay a HIGH price for something like him… But I’m getting ahead of myself here, Noxis eventually ran away from home and that’s caused him to get into pretty bad situations, he’s been kidnapped a few times and sold as nothing more than a pet really or just something to look fancy in a home, basically a trophy/show-off item for the people in question, or in others cases he’s p much been captured and used for fighting because he looked like a tough breed who could hold his own, evidently this is where most of his scarring came from was from being put and used for fighting.

After all the fighting he eventually managed to escape from there and he honestly, while he does have a new home now VERY VERY far away from where all the bad shit, all the traumas, and of course he lives far away so his parents won’t ever find him, where nobody knows who he is or what, but he still doesn’t trust these people and shit either way- Like I said, he’s been through a L O T of shit, and it’s some pretty heavy stuff, likewise- Noxis fucking H A T E S being touched, anytime someone gets close to him you’ll definitely notice a flinch but he’s gonna hide it behind anger and aggression and just tell you to fuck off or something like that, now if someone raises a hand… That causes much more than just a flinch, his whole body language changes (the owners who d i d have him for a prize and the fighter dog owners ESPECIALLY weren’t kind or nice to him in the slightest soo yeah) say its a species like his own, another dog- if they bare their teeth that p much just brings back those flashbacks- while he usually runs away if they start charging him well he’s going to have to fight, despite hating confrontation and fighting he WON'T let himself be killed.

Noxis honestly definitely needs help, he needs someone to show him not EVERYONE is out to get him, that the world isn’t an ENTIRELY shitty place, he just needs someone to show him love, compassion, and understanding ...And a therapist, y-yeah- definitely needs a therapist, on the bright side at least he got his top surgery and bottom surgery! Hooray for trans doggo!! That’s a positive plus and a big fuck you to his parents and a lotta others, so there has been t h a t good around for him ...even though he didn’t trust humans and still doesn’t, I mean… He took a chance essentially, for all he knows they coulda dissected him ….eh- it’d be better than being owned as a prize or fighting mutt he supposed- either way, he’s pretty content with his body now so that’s a definite plus, i just didn’t want to end on a sour note!

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

1/6 Hi! Im the questioning bi enby anon that is afraid of having ruined their life by questioning lol What can I do if there are no ways to chat to a professional online without spending money (im not economically independent) in my area? I dont live in the US and everything seems to be there. Aside from the pandemic, im not ready to go to any group in person yet. I’m very distressed about my queerness, to the point where it’s difficult to concentrate on other things like study.

2/6Part of me hopes this is not real and im just imagining things.I do have a therapist, but one time she made a weird comment about tinder including multiple sexualities so I never felt good about telling her about my possible bisexuality, but now things have escalated and im having suicidal thoughts in regards of my gender. I talked to an online friend about this but ofc these are things that exceeds him

3/6 i dont want to act on my thoughts, but im tired of having them so I considered talking to my therapist about this and see if she can relocate me with a gender therapist or something (and telling my parents something else) but im not sure if that’s a good idea

4/6 i do keep a journal and a private blog, but sometimes putting my thoughts there doesn’t make me feel better and I struggle to find the words to what im feeling. It used to help me a lot for other things, but for some reason is not as effective for this

5/6 i have joined a group online for nonbinary people but we cant talk about things regarding suicide and it seems like most ppl are more chill about these things that I am and sometimes it makes me feel worse to be in a group because it reminds me that I probably dont fit in standard society. I hate being sad about this.

6/6 so my questions are basically if there is somewhere i can talk to in chat without being US exclusive or requiring money and if it’s a good idea to tell my therapist about this even if she may have some prejudices. Honestly I dont know what to do, i want my life back lol (Tiger answered my previous ask, if they can answer this too it would be nice. If anyone else has something to say its welcome)

Hi anon. Have you actually told your therapist about your suicidal thoughts, if not about the cause of them? I think you do need to talk to a professional about these thoughts, ideally someone who is at least sympathetic towards queer people (if not queer themself) and qualified to address the suicidal thoughts with you (though obviously someone with experience of dealing with suicidal thoughts stemming from sexuality/gender related issues would be best, but may not be possible to find easily). Since you do already have a therapist I think she should at least be your starting point for this. Even if perhaps she doesn’t really understand queer identities she should at least be able to talk through the suicidal thoughts more with you and if she is not able to address the gender/sexuality issues specifically herself perhaps she can point you in the direction of those who are more understanding about those issues specifically (and if she is outright bigoted and unhelpful about this then she’s not a good therapist and you really need a better one but hopefully that won’t be the case, she may well be just lacking an understanding of other identities currently. Lots of people do make vaguely offensive comments about queer identities but because they’re ignorant not because they’re actually hateful).

Also I don’t want to pry too much but are your suicidal thoughts purely coming from your gender/sexuality issues or are there other things too? Other issues that you’re trying to deal with too, or mental health issues, something like depression or anxiety that may itself be causing or contributing to the suicidal thoughts? Because I’m certainly no expert in dealing with these things despite my own issues but if there are other issues in play here then those may need managing (or managing differently to the way they’re being managed currently) in addition to addressing the issues you’re experiencing specifically in regard to your gender/sexuality issues. Again I think that is something your therapist is going to be best placed to address, whether she can deal with it herself or needs to direct you to someone else.

I’m afraid I don’t really know very much myself about what kind of resources there are for people to access, about either specifically queer issues or suicidal thoughts and especially when I don’t know what country you are in. Where actually are you, anon? Unfortunately a lot of things will be US-centric or US-only, but most countries must have some kind of resources for queer people as well as broader support for suicidal people generally. (If anyone does have suggestions for those kind of things that may help anon then please add to this.) 

If it helps, you definitely aren’t alone and you aren’t the only one to have issues with or related to your orientation or gender or to feel isolated from ‘standard society’. Maybe it feels like you’re the only one like this but I promise you, you’re not, all of us who don’t fit the ‘norms’ and the ‘standards’ of wider society are probably going to feel excluded or isolated or invisible because of this at some point and feel varying levels of anguish over this. And while many people are chill about their gender or sexuality and some people it’s true never really experience any issues with them, many aren’t really that chill about it at all and only appear so on the surface, or many only become happier and accepting and able to embrace their identities after doing a huge amount of questioning and worrying and stressing out and having to seek help and support from others. And many people are going to be happy about it sometimes and then experience issues at other times, they’re not going to be constantly happy. Also many of your issues related to gender are probably very similar to many binary trans people’s issues and experiences. I know that there is still a lot of erasure of and even bigotry towards non-binary people even within parts of the wider trans community but overall I think there is more understanding and acceptance than erasure and bigotry there, so don’t think you automatically have to limit yourself to non-binary specific groups and communities because there is often huge amounts of overlap between non-binary and binary trans people’s experiences and in some ways they can be practically identical.

My main advice really anyway is try to talk to your therapist about this, she is there to help you and even if she may not feel able to deal with your specific issues herself she still has an obligation to help you and she should be able to guide you towards someone who is better placed to deal with them.

- Tiger

[variablejabberwocky]

just got back from first shrink visit with shrink # 2

pros:

a sweet sand table i got to play with the whole freaking time that soothed my anxiety and allowed for stimming and some visual aids

they understand and acknowledge that the mind and body are linked and when shit goes wrong in one it has an effect on the other

had some familiarity with lgbt+/queer terminology and with the models that go with them

cons:

is a white cis dude with matching stereotypical behaviors (ex: assuming he’s always right or that he knows better than those who aren’t white and cis and a dude)

values dictionary definitions written by white cis dudes over people’s lived experiences and identity (ie. tried to tell me to use a different pronoun set than singular-they because its “not accurate” for the English language. also does not see the hypocrisy of not accepting any terms that aren’t in the dictionary but then waiting for new ones to ~magically~ appear out of the ether without first being used “incorrectly”)

did some victim blaming shit when it came to finding out what happened with the last shrink

assigned me “homework” of coming up with a different pronoun set for my own fucking identity that isn’t one already in use by me (and those like me) or “yo” which is another spontaneously/organically arising term. i’m supposed to get this done in a week and a half

might be “experienced with trans patients” in a “promotes/uses conversion therapy bs” way

so yeah....i think if the trans thing hadn’t gotten out of the bag then he’d maybe be useful, but disrespecting someone’s identity is pretty high up there in You Do Not Do This Shit With Your Patients If You Are Actually Wanting To Help list

...gonna talk to lady who organizes my mental health care and talk to her about it and see if either she can get him to fix his shit enough to at least respect my identity even if he doesn’t understand or approve, or ask to switch to the lady doc.

...from there its...uncertain.

they already switched me from the closer one to this one out in the middle of nowhere because of how bad the last incident was. with only two people here in their program i may be sent to another or have to seek a different private therapist.

i’m wondering how long it takes until they mark my file as some kind of unstable unhelpable case because im too stubborn + autistic to take their bullshit