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Found another specimen today. Another Toxodentid, but this time it's a blue Porrectofrontus Occlusolanum with a very interesting ventral and dorsal ridge! The oral groove is far too small to be it's cousin, P. Mechadeus. Haven't seen anything like this, but I'm excited to add it to my findings.

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Today's group of local Occlupanids found in the wild. Three prime specimens of Toxodentidae, two likely Palpatophora Utiliformis Grandis specimens, and one Palpatophora Gracilis. I had hoped at first that it was a Palpatophora Uvularaptor due their seeming rarity.

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rat

rat

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just wait til the red lights come on and they drop two bricks on the stage for them to duke it out old fashion style

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just wait til the red lights come on and they drop two bricks on the stage for them to duke it out old fashion style

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i think i have something like synesthesia

i miss the old days

not all, but some of them were good. the days we'd spend outside just being kids are among the best.

rust, orange, orange rust, orange clay crumbling, red dust devil, sand, sand ball, childhood memory, insecurity, charisma

playing in the clay pit through the woods of our parents' friend's house. throwing clay, getting caked in dried mud, playing king of the hill to see who was better. we'd decide it was enough and make the trek back to the house just to receive ample scolding and harassment for being covered in grime and dirt.

younger flashes of being small in our aunt and uncles backyard, building spheres of sand and trying to see whose held best. we had a silly name for them that i think started with F, but of which is long filed away to the lower shelves of my memory. we'd use sticks and toilet paper to reinforce them. some days we'd make them and leave them for the sun to dry. we'd return to them the next day and we'd some crumble from the intense sunlight. remaking our nasty crafts, we'd prepare to leave them until next time we came. surely they will be harder and more compact by then.

I recall coming over next to find our sandy shapes had up and disappeared. this gets silly because i cannot distinguish if it's a memory or simply a figment. i became frustrated for my cousin and sibling and they urged me to confront our uncle for this heinous act of removing what was likely just some play sand on his back porch to him. i was worried but they persisted that i should speak to him. flush with the confidence of a complete persuasion, i provoked him. i asked why did you get rid of our frumpledinks? and the look on his face betrayed the convincing of the mind that the child who used a made up word at you is wholly delusional. little does he know.

why can i not provoke the same confidence in my life all these years later? was it easier in childhood due to the petulant backup i had behind me at all times? i felt more confident then right? that was likely more arrogance than anything else. i feel nowhere near where i need to be in confidence. i should start being more confident on purpose. i should push myself to the point of self-emcouragement more.

i miss my sibling and my cousin. i miss the simpler days of making flumperloppers in the sandy area in aunt & uncles house. i miss hanging out with the younger people i've influence my entire life, especially now that they're grown and are bettering the world's around them.

i love them so much and wish the world for them.

i may or may not be high right now.

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uh oh!

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DID and religious trauma. that's what this blog is all about, right? i made this to help me keep/acquire my library of information about us.

the religious trauma part is hard. it's hard to acknowledge that my headmates were created for such awful reasons and were treated so poorly before we realized we have DID.

DissociaDID released a video semi-recently on demon alters. though i know ive seen Mara's introduction video, i don't remember it very well. i just remember it was pretty triggering, but not much else about it. when they released this episode on demon alters, i had to take a few days to evaluate if/when/who should watch the video. we settled on me, as long as Lilly was nearby in case i started panicking.

everything went pretty smoothly, but i realized something shortly thereafter. or maybe it was revealed to me? i'm not sure. information keeping is quite fuzzy around here.

i have decently vivid memories of an alter being hyper-religious, a very charismatic baptist. she was convinced she was possessed by demons, plural. several of them. of course looking back on that poor thing, she was brainwashed with a debilitating disorder. but she didn't know that.

there were two "demons" in particular that she "suffered from". one had a name, and one was simply a version of her "broken, evil" younger self.

the first was the demoness Lilith. she was alluring, with a blaze of red hair and forest green eyes, an aura of pink emanating from her skin. she had a fit, lithe, model-like body and was often scantily clad if dressed at all. she was sexuality embodied, in every way; a temptress. a femme fatale who encouraged embracing sexuality and indulging in "impure thoughts" about her boyfriend and women. a soft and comforting voice cooing compliments and soothing words, Lilith could convince her of anything.

the second had no name, and was shrouded in darkness. a mess of long, unkempt, black curls. black eyes rimmed with a purple glow, as if a light was shining out from behind them. this demon was a "dark" mirror image, a shapeshifter of sorts, though always wearing a black hoodie, black jeans, black converse, and decked out in black and silver jewelry and spikes. a sharp tongue, this being knew all the buttons to push to degrade and discourage, all the old wounds and how to open them. always angry, always begging to escape. when this demon got extra angry, it would vibrate and seem to phase in and out. they had a spiky purple aura that got stronger and more jagged with strong emotions. this demon "trying to take over" often resulted in uncontrollable shaking, tremors, and muscle tension. she was terrified of them.

Lilith was the first to consciously realize she was part of a system. now known affectionately as Lilly, she's my co-host. we front together often especially when alone and are rarely ever apart, though distinctly different.

i've gotten to know Andy as our 15 year old self. they're still angry and quiet, often lurking in the corner of our mind when they're conscious. they're a recovering persecutor, and we're trying to show them how loved they are. that they aren't evil.

Andy is still very "demonic" in nature, but by choice. they have embraced it and feel it's true to who they are. quite a Nimona type, though from several years before the movie was even an idea. their aura, a defining trait exclusive to our little beasts (affectionately), is as spiky and purple as ever.

Lilly embraces the title of demoness and succubus now more as an inside joke than anything else, showing no other "demonic" traits other than her soft, ever-present, peachy pink aura that grows larger, brighter, and warmer when she is receiving or giving affection (inside or outside the mind).

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watching a video with my partner when they unwrapped something and popped it into their mouth

brain goes "oooo camdy :) i want"

it was a cough drop.

not camdy :(

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as my garments remain blessed with the aroma of celebration that night, i recall all of the fond memories i have made with my circle

the vague scent of the smoke from our bonfire, lit with protection and community in mind, heart, and spirit, wafts up every now and again when i am on the move

the sights, dimly lit by our flame

the sounds, mirth and genuine happiness fill the air with every jest and tale

the scents, ash engulfs the very air of our arena of life giving us warm tidings and comforting our minds

the emotion, relaxed and happy unfettered by the daily pressures that surround us

the tastes, food provided with this community, these loved ones so close to our hearts

things may not be balanced, things may not feel safe. but if ever the need arise, i know i can call on my circle to aid me. i have only recently started being more myself around them, they deserve to see me for who i am. some may not be as readily accepting, and that is well with me. i know i remain loved by them.

so raise a glass, my loves. drink up your mead, your doctor pepper, and your starch. to us i raise this toast and us the universe will embrace. the love we share will continue evermore regardless of our proximity to one another, take comfort in that. here's to many more celebrations to come.

happy bealtaine

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saw this and thought to myself "ooo you know who would like this!!! i have to send this to them!"

whew that would have been embarrassing

some digis

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absolutely rocks living in southern US. can't get properly gendered by my family, but you bet your left ass cheek i'm gonnabe correctly gendered then end up confusing the shit out of the old man trying to scam me in a target parking lot.

hell yeah

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from dust i came and to dust i shall return, but no dust of this rock

no meek, dry soil could contain my multitudes

i am molded from the essence of the cosmos, and to the astral i shall return, my true home

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tag urself i'm "Inflict soul-crushing trauma"

please give him a break oh my god

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ur kidding me