thesmileonmyface - Tumblr blog

[thesmileonmyface]

I get upset over how things ended between us. I did my typical pretend like you don't exist and never speak to you again. And a part of me is grateful I never spoke to you again, but I’m also upset that I never spoke to you again

[thesmileonmyface]

“Oh Honey, your just scared”

..Honey

      ...I’m terrified 

[thesmileonmyface]

He’s back in the United States

I feel..half of me wants to throw up as I feel the anxiety rising up my body while the other half won't let it....like I stopped and stared at the phone, at his picture, but I no longer feel like the girl who is scared of him anymore. I used to think that if I ever did have this moment of feeling  not scared of him, it would be this victory, this hurrah moment..but it’s not. It’s a...I want to throw up, but I am still standing. 

[thesmileonmyface]

I’m searching and searching, yet have no idea what it is that I am looking for

[thesmileonmyface]

[thesmileonmyface]

I’m just as scared as being seen as I am being unseen. 

[thesmileonmyface]

Is it weird that I’m scared to get better?

[thesmileonmyface]

Oh no

The thoughts are invading

[thesmileonmyface]

“your not just a number”

Remember that when I am no longer your number one...

[thesmileonmyface]

I thought that if I convinced myself to forget, I would actually forget 

[thesmileonmyface]

I rather stay silent than fight to find the right words on a topic that you will most likely not agree on

[thesmileonmyface]

Feelings are suppose to feel this way? 

....no wonder I avoided them for so long.

[thesmileonmyface]

It was never warm waking up next to you 

[thesmileonmyface]

Wow...it actually was never me

 .....it was you, it was all you

you broke me down and teared me apart and made me believe that this feeling 

this feeling of utter disgust and self hate was due to my softness...I’m too soft, too kind, too caring...too weak

I was the problem, right? that's why you so badly wanted to help me, toughen me up...

yea...

Fuck you

[thesmileonmyface]

I try my best to do the best that I can, but that's never enough for me

[thesmileonmyface]

Your not listening..your figuring out what lecture to give me next...

[thesmileonmyface]

I keep the good stuff in my drafts