utterexistentialconfusion

[utterexistentialconfusion]

He was a vile creature.

One of God's lesser creations.

A mistake that crawled and clawed and fought it's way out of the depths of hell.

And yet, I felt a love for him akin to that of a mother towards her child.

Immeasurable and infinite and pure.

I loved him so deeply, it nearly tore me open.

[utterexistentialconfusion]

I'm reminded with every breath that I take that the world is infinitely larger than me and my problems, and has a certain way of making sure that everything is alright in the end, and if it's not alright, then it's not the end.

utterexistentialconfusion

[utterexistentialconfusion]

When I first heard of your death, my world stopped spinning.

I couldn't react, couldn't breathe.

This couldn't be, could it?

You wouldn't do that to me,

After everything we talked about, after all you promised.

Did all that mean nothing?

A week after I heard of your death, I missed you so much it hurt.

It wasn't dull, or occasional;

It was a piercing, painful wound -- relentlessly throbbing day and night.

I couldn't ignore it.

Your absence was like the cork removed from a bottle of wine balanced above a white cloth;

Without you, I fell apart, spilled everywhere, stained everything.

A month after I heard of your death, I had learnt to live with the ache.

But I still hadn't learnt to live without you.

Every night, I went to sleep thinking of you.

And when I woke up, my thoughts circled back to you.

You are all I have, in life and death.

The necklace you gave me felt too heavy to wear around my neck anymore.

So I banished it to the back of my closet, as if punishing it would bring you back.

A year after I heard of your death, i knew I had to move on.

I couldn't live like this anymore;

The pain became too much to bear.

It's been 3 years since you died, and I still ache for you everyday;

But I hope you're happier wherever you are now, and I hope that you finally found peace.

Goodnight, my love.

utterexistentialconfusion

[utterexistentialconfusion]

They say your fears shrink as you grow older. I don't think so; I think that you simply change how you react to them.

utterexistentialconfusion

[utterexistentialconfusion]

my first cigarette

Last night I smoked my first cigarette

It was warm, but it wasn't warm like a comforting hug after a bad day or a hot shower in the morning after you wake up in winter

It was warm like the sun burning your skin as you sit in a hot car, but inside your throat

It was warm like feeling a lighter held dangerously close to your skin like a threat, but in your stomach

It was warm like holding an explosive in your hand and feeling that utterly stupid confidence that it wouldn't explode fizzle away in your chest as the fuse runs out

It wasn't the adrenaline you felt as you drove your car off the edge off a cliff, but the terror you felt as it falls to the ground

Truthfully, it was like having a flame pressed to your lips as your stomach fills with smoke and ash and your throat burns like you're swallowing the sun

They lied.

utterexistentialconfusion

[utterexistentialconfusion]

words words words

Words words words I look up at the sky, searching for words I comb the clouds and stare down the sun, hoping to intimidate the creater of life itself Birds Am I looking for birds? I'm I looking for the wrong thing in the wrong place? Or am I looking in the wrong place for the wrong thing? I look down at my palms Lines Like the lines in sand Scars Like the bark of a tree I need to leave Leaves Bright green, slightly yellow Some fly, some fall Maybe I am part of the some that falls, and maybe that's not so bad

utterexistentialconfusion

[utterexistentialconfusion]

The dog that weeps after it kills is no better than one that does not.

Guilt does not purify you.

However, the dog that refuses to kill because of its guilt is as bad as the other two.

Your guilt does not need to control you.

The dog that kills only when it needs to, mourns only when it has to, and then continues living, is neither beast, nor prey.

The dog that has killed, and then undone it's sin, is God. And yet, becoming God is the loneliest achievement of them all.

The dog that killed, and ate, and moved on, survived.

The dog that killed, and wept, dug it's own grave next to it's prey.

Perfection is a myth, isn't it?

utterexistentialconfusion

[utterexistentialconfusion]

My love, My light;

I knew a little girl who wanted to envelope the world in peace;

Who cried for dead spiders and centipedes and birds,

Who used up every birthday wish for everyone in the world to be happy and comfortable,

Who fed stray dogs and cats and donated what little she had to shelters,

Who smiled at strangers and waved at passersby.

I knew a little girl who wanted to become;

She wanted to be a concert pianist, a psychologist, an artist, a writer, a film director, a rock star, a librarian, a florist, a geologist,

She wanted to heal the world,

She wanted to study each nook and cranny in existence,

She had a purpose,

She had a thirst for knowledge,

She overflowed with potential.

I knew a little girl who dreamt of love;

She remembered the names of doormen, cashiers, cleaners, housekeepers and barbers and made sure to greet them whenever she saw them,

She visited orphanages and shelters whenever she could,

She always donated to the homeless and smiled at them in hopes of making their day better,

She greeted her teachers and school staff alike every morning,

She watered plants and fed strays,

She carried water and dog food in her bag for any she saw on her way.

I watched her grow and stop wishing for peace, stop craving knowledge, stop loving like she used to; I watched her lose herself.

utterexistentialconfusion

[utterexistentialconfusion]

Who am I?

Sometimes when I stare at my eyes for long enough in the mirror, I see my mother staring back at me. Sometimes when I stare at my words on the paper, I find my father's instead. Sometimes when I'm taking myself apart in the mirror, I find that I'm made up of everyone I've ever loved before and everyone who have ever loved me. When I pick my body apart in the mirror, I realize that I'm only made up of generations of bodies that have loved each other, even just a little, even just enough to keep the family name going. When I'm spewing my stupid words onto paper, I'm yet again reminded of the generations that have done the same before me. My father, my grandfather, my great grandmother and so on, have all used the art of literature, the art of color or the art of music, to speak. To bring themselves to life. And i am grateful to be a part of that heritage. I am thankful for the music gene, the arts gene, the literature gene that my family's blood has passed down for centuries. The love of my family that has been passed down to me, my heritage, no matter how much I've hated and cursed it in the past, I'm thankful for it all now that I'm older. Although I must admit I still have a long way to go. When I'm truly old and weathered, I will never regret growing up. I promise that much. I'll never turn back and try to tell my younger self to enjoy just growing, to not try to rush getting older. I'll never wish I had done this, told someone that, or anything of that sort. I'll live in the present, and be thankful for the past. And I'll be just fine. That's just how life works. Sometimes things aren't fine, and that's okay. Sometimes they take a lot out of you, and that's alright. Sometimes it takes a long, long time to be alright again, and that's acceptable, as long as you remember: Everything's alright in the end, and if it's not alright, then it's not the end.

utterexistentialconfusion

[utterexistentialconfusion]

I hope that death is kind

I hope that death is kind to you. I hope that when death comes it looks like a storm, dangerous and yet, oddly calming. I hope that it sweeps you off your feet like a rain on a summer day, cooling you off and letting you relax. I hope that it brings you peace, like a book and a warm beverage on a cold night. I hope that you remember to wish yourself goodnight, instead of only whispering those words to others even if they're rarely said back. I hope you let yourself breathe, take it all in before leaving for good. I hope you finally put yourself first.

utterexistentialconfusion