weirdlypasta

[weirdlypasta]

unfinished

[weirdlypasta]

I kinda wanna point out that I am writing a second part - HOWEVER I feel like the 'vibe' isn't really the same. So I'm not quite sure I'll upload the further story (Even if I written part of it already). I'm also not quite sure how to keep the story intresting? Yes I could go a certain route, the x reader one, and as much as I love those stories, it doesn't feel quite right.

I'm debating doing another Post about the characters that was suppose to be sacraficed. Going more indepth in that. Even if I know that that is more for me.

(Making a Creepypasta? Maybe?)

Chained together

You're given as an sacrifice for the Demon Chernabog. However a certain someone doesn't like the cult too much.

No use of y/n. Eyeless Jack perspective.

I promise you bad writing. Not proofread!

Gn!reader.

Don't really know if I'm making their relationship platonic or romantic. (If I continue writing this.)

WARNING: Slight(?) gore

This was the first time he had been summoned since the incident. His legs carried him far into a forest. The church standing there was worn down, and it's original builders would despise the things that lurked inside.

Jack knew he shouldn't have come. Inside of him, he could feel the summoning they've been doing. He wasn't sure if he even could ignore it. Being 'fused' with a demon had some ups and downs.

He stood awhile at the tree line. Unsure why they would call him. He thought he killed all followers, apparently not everyone was attending back then.

His fist clenched. Sometimes there are arguments inside him, a battle between the human and the demon, but this thing is something they both agreed on.

They hated the cult. The human side hated being forced into the ritual and getting a demon implanted inside of him. The demon side hated being forced to roam earth, in a body he couldn't leave.

Jack had accepted that they were stuck together. He didn't feel like two people inside one body.

He took a deep breath. Part of him hoped that they seeked revenge. That they called him to split them apart or kill him.

Another part of him knew that that wouldn't happen.

---

He stood at the main entrance seeing them pray. Trying oh so hard to call him. They didn't know that he was already here. Maybe they expected him to just poof out of thin air right infront of them.

What caught his attention more and stopped him from entering the room further, was the bloody body laying on the altar. They were alive, he could hear their heart, but they seemed weak. Either from blood loss or being knocked up.

There weren't many cult followers, just three. Assuming the beat up person isn't part of it. One of the figures began to speak louder, rasing the arm high in the air. "oh great Chernabog, I call you to this place. We shall give you a sacrifice, so come to us!"

So that's why that person was in the altar. He wasn't stranger to the idea of people sacrificing to demons. It hadn't however accured to him that people would give him some.

Back when he was just Chernabog, he did reciefe more or less sacrifices. Humans killing other humans to give to him, so he wouldn't harm their villages. He didn't car about that.

What was a dead human to him? Another meal maybe, he preferred them fresh however.

He started walking towards the group that were crouched over and murmured some stupid prayers to him.

He was now standing behind them, they hadn't noticed him, being a quiet predator did that. The person on the altar shifted, they're head falling to the side, towards him.

It seemed they needed a few moments to process what they saw. They're eyes blinking rapidly. They're mouth falling open as if they wanted to scream.

But they didn't.

I raised my claws, knowing a single slash would kill the person infront of me. That would be too nice though. Instead he cut their kneck deeply. The blood immediately rushes out, as they fall to the ground. Cluthching their kneck as if that could change their fate. Their eyes looked up to him, probably not even focused enough to realised who hurt them.

Of course the other two were quick to notice their falling member. Standing up in shock, looking at him. He could here their heart beating rapidly.

"Cher-Chernabog?" one of them said. He tilted his head. He would torture them. They were part of the reason he was like this.

They couldn't see because of his masked, but he smiled widely. "You called me. Summoned me and now you're shocked that I'm here?" He spoke lowly.

One of the people went to their knees. "Oh Chernabog, I knew you would come, save us from this world." They spoke with passion. The other person still seemed to be in shock. Their eyes glued to the person at his feet that niw wasn't even twitching anymore.

"Save you?" he spoke slightly irritated. Jack stepped closer to the person on their knees. They looked uo at him. He kinda wished he could see how hopefull their face looked, before he was going to crush their dreams.

"y-yes, save us! Turn the world around, we've brought you a sacra-" they couldn't finish their setences. Jack was quick to crush their head with his foot. His demon strength easily broke to the bones and mushed their brains.

He could hear two heartbeats getting louder. He turned to the last follower. Their form slightly hunched over and hand on their mouth, as they tried not to spill the inside of their stomache.

"Tell me," Jack walked towards them, "how many more of you are there?" he tilted his head. The person shaking from head to toe.

"We-oh god- we were the last! We tought you would save us!" they were yelling, their fear however was very apparent. He grabbed them by the collar. "Depending on the perspective, I kinda am". With a quick push he shoved them hard into a nearby pillar. Their body falling limp to the ground.

That didn't do enough though. The chances were slim, that they survived the internal and external wounds they suffered. But he didn't want to leave any chance of them surviving. He pushed his boot hard into their torso. The ribs crounched under the pressure. His boot squished their heart.

He stepped away looking at his work. He was glad it was, hopefully, over. He really hoped that that person didn't lie, and that they were the last.

His job was not entirely done though. A quick heartbeat was a constant reminder in his ears that someone was still alive.

He turned around, looking at them from a distance. They're eyes were wide open. The adrenaline rush probably making them forget all the pain from the wounds they suffered.

He knew what his next action should be. Kill them. They knew of the cult, saw him. It would be easier. Apart of him couldn't do that just yet. His thoughts were racing.

In his mind he found a weird connection. They were a victim of this as much as he was. They might have not become a demon. But they couldn't return to their old life. Just like he couldn't.

He had hoped back them with him killing all those people, that nobody would suffer because of them. But he was wrong. He walked slowly towards the altar. Stopping halfway, as they suddenly seemed to snap out of their shock and tried to wrestle against the restraints.

"Stop." he said. He knew he didn't need to be all too loud. The person on the altar actually stopped, he knew it was a fifty-fifty wether a person in this situation stopped. But they did, their eyes focused on him.

"I'm not going to kill you". Their face twisted, obviously not buying what he was saying. That wasn't all to surprising, considering the messes that were splattered across the room.

He didn't know what to say, he wasn't big with words. Preferred it more quiet. He quickly realised he didn't really have to say anything. They would not be able to stop him, no matter what his choice is.

He started walking towards them again. They remained still, their heartbeat not giving up the race though. Now he was towering above them. Which wasn't too surprising since he towered over most people.

There was a slight chemical smell to the blood dripping from their wounds. They were definitely drugged. Probably to make it easier to bound the down.

He had still a decision open. He wouldn't kill them. Their end should not be decided by the cult. But if he just let them wander back to society, Slender might catch wind. Especially if it would be covered by the news. Which probably would happen, considering the small town close by.

They would show up all beaten, talking about this cult. They heard his name too, that being dropped into the news would leave slender all kinds of mad. He probably would be send to kill them later. To corrected what the 'messed up'.

The only other choice was taking them back, trying to get them to live in a mansion full of criminals and monsters. Slender still wouldn't be all too happy, but jack could lie about them just being fresh food for him.

That would mean that he would be forcing them into the path outside of society. Just like they had dine to him. He was torn up.

"Say," he could try to push the choice to them. Probably wasn't the nicest, but it would make it easier for him. "if you have to chose between dying right here, as painless as possible or leaving society and start a new life amongst monster of all kind. What would you prefer?"

Their mouth fell open. However no words came out, not for a few minutes. He definitely wanted to go home along time ago, but he knew what kind of life deciding question he was asking.

"wh-what about just letting me go back to my old life? I-i won't tell anybody about you, please." tears started running down their face. "Not an option, not really. My boss will catch wind of that and have me kill you later as well as punish me. But in the end, you will wind up dead."

They closed their eyes, face crunched in pain. "The monsters wouldn't?" they laughed, now looking at him again. "Not if I tell them that you're off limits", "But why-" Jack interrupted them, "You might not be able to to grasp this, but they have hurt me too. Maybe out of spite, I don't want them to succeed in anything, not even in your death." he started to growl towards the end. Their eyes drifted over the mushed corpses just for a secind before returning to him.

"o-ok, I'll go with you". He nodded. Jack slightly raised his hand before swinging it down, qucikly cutting through the ropes that trapped them. He didn't really consider how him raising his hand and swinging it down must've appeared to the human.

They shrieked, before they realised what he did. "oh.." it was quiet. They pushed themselves up with shaky arms. Jack raised an eyebrow, "are you sure you can walk?". They looked at their legs, which where now dangling down from the altar. They slightly shook their head.

Jack was quick to pick them up. They took a sharp breath, probably not expecting that. Their hands grasping on to his hoodie as he began to walk. He didn't want to stay here any longer than needed. He also wanted to be home.

It would take awhile, but he can use that time to think about how he can explain you to slender.

[weirdlypasta]

E.J. my fav Creepypasta. I should really draw him more.

Also thoughts on Jack with a mullet?

(Under cut is anither version without the “tears”)

[weirdlypasta]

Drew Toby again. idk what else to say, besides that I’m unhappy with my artstyle

[weirdlypasta]

WIP - Jane with a sword?

My brain really likes the idea of Jane using a sword to smite her enemies.

[weirdlypasta]

Sometimes I remember what my first encounter with creepypasta was.

I watched a majoras mask let's play, and at some point the guy mentioned ben drowned.

(yk the statue of link) And I was curious and looked into it.

Was actually scared, but I also were like 7 years old.

[weirdlypasta]

Proxies tranformation - Slender

This observation took reference from directly talking to the tall being, aswell as observing the process of a few proxies. -E.J.

Slender is connected to it's forest. Every branch, leave, stone, thats in there is like a part of it. It can chose to what parts he wants to pay attention too, and which he ignores.

He has not disclosed any further information about this. If this is to protect it's weaknesses or something else is not clear.

He is ever hungry for power. But a specific kind of power. The type of power that comes when injecting himself into the brain of a mentally unstable person.

Wether he needs this power or control over people to survive, or just does it because he enjoys it, is not clear.

"Proxy" has been the common term used for the people that are directly in it's control. That title is given to anybody that does "missions" for Slender while he controls them to do said task.

Thus giving him the name "Operator"

The Proxies that have been living for a long time will only call the others a Proxy, if it seems like they will survive the Process. This might be to distant themself. Maybe to not get attached or because they feel like that title has to be "earned".

╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸

The following is the usual process in which Slender gains control over his next Proxy - This is generealised, this changes depending on the circumstances. The Process might go in a diffrent order or some steps might not be required.

First he has to notice the person in some way. This doesnt mean the person has to directly prove themself in that moment, but he has to be physically near the person.

He can to some extend tell/feel wether a person is mentally unstable. How he does this is not completly known.

A person has to be mentally unstable for Slender. Otherwise he cannot "enter" their brain.

Technically he can make people "Insane". But he seems to be content with just taking people who are already unstable.

Slender will then unstable them further, break them down. He does this so he can "build" the brain back up, in a way he is content with and can control over every little thing inside the brain.

He has not disclosed how he does this.

Slender will "store" a part of it's power in the Proxy. A mark of the "Operator" symbol will appear somewhere on the Proxies body. Where it appears is diffrent, there is no clear pattern on what part of the body it will appear. It might be random.

This storing of power will bind the Proxy to Slender. Giving him even more power. However it also gives the Proxy powers.

Essentially the power that Slender stores in the body will change it. This sometimes results in the death of the Proxy.

In the years of observing, more Proxies have died because of this, than lived. What makes someone be able to survive those changes seems not to be clear, even to Slender.

Changes can include: Increase in strenght, Increase in speed, regenerations powers, Telepathy to other proxies and Slender, Immortality, etc.

Some proxies will have all these powers instantly. Others will gain them over time.

Certain Proxy gain other powers aswell. The named ones seem to be the most common ones.

Regeneration in full fletched Proxies is intresting. They are not immune to injuries, they can be stunt. Even completly destroying essential organs will just make them unable to move, till its completly regenerated.

During this, the Proxy is not able to move. Strangly with smaller injuries it will heal while the Proxy they're concess. When a injuries stunts a proxies, they will only regain concessness after being completly healed.

Another intresting thing is the telepathy. Being able to communacate with fellow Proxies.

This usally is the last thing the Proxy will develop

Slender can only talk to people telepathly, but when the Proxy gains the power, they indicated that it is not as painfull anymore

Usally Slenders telepathy gives humans headaches, dizziness amongst other simptoms

According to the Proxies, they can chose who recieves the message they send. Most of the time they just seem to have an open communication that any other Proxies can join

Very often, as mentioned earlier, this process will kill the person. Reasons for their death can be: Destroying themself with their new and uncontrolled strenght and speed, Deformations on the body likely due to the regeneration not working properly yet, their brain bleeding due to the constant telepathy with Slender.

In earlier stages the Proxies also sometimes die due to starvation or getting mauled by Seedeater or the Rake.

╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸

The next part will talk about specific Proxies:

Toby

Due to the already existing CIPA -condition, he quickly adjusted to his new gained powers.

From all the processes I could observe, his was the fastes

Likely due to the fact that the was very unstable

Is one of the fastes Proxy, however not always quiet while sprinting

He seems very protective of his fellow teammates, despite constantly arguing with them

Hoody/ Brian

He developed selective mutism

This seemed to be intensly triggered when getting controlled by Slender, however he seems to now prefer to not talk

Is the stealthies amongst the main Proxies

Has suffered from memoryloss, this resulted in him filming himself alot to remember what happend.

He still does this, even when there hasnt been signs of memoryloss in a long time

Masky/ Tim

Has also suffered from memoryloss, never picked up the camera after Marble Hornets though

Appears to be the strongest among them

Slender has chosen him as the leader of the main Proxies

This could be because he appears to be able to keep everybody in check/control

At least when its important

Kate ( the Chaser)

Is one of the fastes Proxies

Seems to be completly mute

Kate mostly lives isolated, it is diffecult to understand her most of the time

The other Proxies seem to have no issue with that, probably due to the telepathy, this has not been confirmed though

This is also why she stays with atleast one of them, while shes in the mansion

Doesnt like to take of her mask, never seen her without it.

The "transformation" has made her most feral. This only happend to her, its unclear as to why

This also makes her get along with Seadeater and The Rake

X-Virus/ Cody

Doesn't appear to have had big changes, besides the regeneration

Seems to just tag along to treat injuries while on the go

Prefers to stay in his lab, where he sometimes even tests on new Proxies, some might've died because of this

Rotten

The only Proxy I've encountered that got telepathy as one of their first traits, even before Slender marked them

Likely due to the unstable mind

Apperently also the only reason they're alive, since they were supposed to be killed of, appearently they heard the conversation the other Proxies had, using this to escape

However Slender did use that to make them also a Proxy

They're appear to be lacking in strength and speed, Still better than most humans, but weak compared to other proxies

Dissociates alot, this was appearntly a trait from before, but got worse due to Slender

╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸╸

There are Proxy groups/ranks. Listed above are the so called "main" Proxies. But they are many other groups. My observation has been limited to them, and others that died while being in the mansion. The possibility that other Proxies have other common trait is there. But the located is not clear. - E.J.

[weirdlypasta]

Another one! Have been “inspired”

I’m trying to ignore my life right now

[weirdlypasta]

so..I did a thing. Thought about this while watching some DVD extras. Hopefully nobody has done that yet.

[weirdlypasta]

[weirdlypasta]

Chained together

You're given as an sacrifice for the Demon Chernabog. However a certain someone doesn't like the cult too much.

No use of y/n. Eyeless Jack perspective.

I promise you bad writing. Not proofread!

Gn!reader.

Don't really know if I'm making their relationship platonic or romantic. (If I continue writing this.)

WARNING: Slight(?) gore

This was the first time he had been summoned since the incident. His legs carried him far into a forest. The church standing there was worn down, and it's original builders would despise the things that lurked inside.

Jack knew he shouldn't have come. Inside of him, he could feel the summoning they've been doing. He wasn't sure if he even could ignore it. Being 'fused' with a demon had some ups and downs.

He stood awhile at the tree line. Unsure why they would call him. He thought he killed all followers, apparently not everyone was attending back then.

His fist clenched. Sometimes there are arguments inside him, a battle between the human and the demon, but this thing is something they both agreed on.

They hated the cult. The human side hated being forced into the ritual and getting a demon implanted inside of him. The demon side hated being forced to roam earth, in a body he couldn't leave.

Jack had accepted that they were stuck together. He didn't feel like two people inside one body.

He took a deep breath. Part of him hoped that they seeked revenge. That they called him to split them apart or kill him.

Another part of him knew that that wouldn't happen.

---

He stood at the main entrance seeing them pray. Trying oh so hard to call him. They didn't know that he was already here. Maybe they expected him to just poof out of thin air right infront of them.

What caught his attention more and stopped him from entering the room further, was the bloody body laying on the altar. They were alive, he could hear their heart, but they seemed weak. Either from blood loss or being knocked up.

There weren't many cult followers, just three. Assuming the beat up person isn't part of it. One of the figures began to speak louder, rasing the arm high in the air. "oh great Chernabog, I call you to this place. We shall give you a sacrifice, so come to us!"

So that's why that person was in the altar. He wasn't stranger to the idea of people sacrificing to demons. It hadn't however accured to him that people would give him some.

Back when he was just Chernabog, he did reciefe more or less sacrifices. Humans killing other humans to give to him, so he wouldn't harm their villages. He didn't car about that.

What was a dead human to him? Another meal maybe, he preferred them fresh however.

He started walking towards the group that were crouched over and murmured some stupid prayers to him.

He was now standing behind them, they hadn't noticed him, being a quiet predator did that. The person on the altar shifted, they're head falling to the side, towards him.

It seemed they needed a few moments to process what they saw. They're eyes blinking rapidly. They're mouth falling open as if they wanted to scream.

But they didn't.

I raised my claws, knowing a single slash would kill the person infront of me. That would be too nice though. Instead he cut their kneck deeply. The blood immediately rushes out, as they fall to the ground. Cluthching their kneck as if that could change their fate. Their eyes looked up to him, probably not even focused enough to realised who hurt them.

Of course the other two were quick to notice their falling member. Standing up in shock, looking at him. He could here their heart beating rapidly.

"Cher-Chernabog?" one of them said. He tilted his head. He would torture them. They were part of the reason he was like this.

They couldn't see because of his masked, but he smiled widely. "You called me. Summoned me and now you're shocked that I'm here?" He spoke lowly.

One of the people went to their knees. "Oh Chernabog, I knew you would come, save us from this world." They spoke with passion. The other person still seemed to be in shock. Their eyes glued to the person at his feet that niw wasn't even twitching anymore.

"Save you?" he spoke slightly irritated. Jack stepped closer to the person on their knees. They looked uo at him. He kinda wished he could see how hopefull their face looked, before he was going to crush their dreams.

"y-yes, save us! Turn the world around, we've brought you a sacra-" they couldn't finish their setences. Jack was quick to crush their head with his foot. His demon strength easily broke to the bones and mushed their brains.

He could hear two heartbeats getting louder. He turned to the last follower. Their form slightly hunched over and hand on their mouth, as they tried not to spill the inside of their stomache.

"Tell me," Jack walked towards them, "how many more of you are there?" he tilted his head. The person shaking from head to toe.

"We-oh god- we were the last! We tought you would save us!" they were yelling, their fear however was very apparent. He grabbed them by the collar. "Depending on the perspective, I kinda am". With a quick push he shoved them hard into a nearby pillar. Their body falling limp to the ground.

That didn't do enough though. The chances were slim, that they survived the internal and external wounds they suffered. But he didn't want to leave any chance of them surviving. He pushed his boot hard into their torso. The ribs crounched under the pressure. His boot squished their heart.

He stepped away looking at his work. He was glad it was, hopefully, over. He really hoped that that person didn't lie, and that they were the last.

His job was not entirely done though. A quick heartbeat was a constant reminder in his ears that someone was still alive.

He turned around, looking at them from a distance. They're eyes were wide open. The adrenaline rush probably making them forget all the pain from the wounds they suffered.

He knew what his next action should be. Kill them. They knew of the cult, saw him. It would be easier. Apart of him couldn't do that just yet. His thoughts were racing.

In his mind he found a weird connection. They were a victim of this as much as he was. They might have not become a demon. But they couldn't return to their old life. Just like he couldn't.

He had hoped back them with him killing all those people, that nobody would suffer because of them. But he was wrong. He walked slowly towards the altar. Stopping halfway, as they suddenly seemed to snap out of their shock and tried to wrestle against the restraints.

"Stop." he said. He knew he didn't need to be all too loud. The person on the altar actually stopped, he knew it was a fifty-fifty wether a person in this situation stopped. But they did, their eyes focused on him.

"I'm not going to kill you". Their face twisted, obviously not buying what he was saying. That wasn't all to surprising, considering the messes that were splattered across the room.

He didn't know what to say, he wasn't big with words. Preferred it more quiet. He quickly realised he didn't really have to say anything. They would not be able to stop him, no matter what his choice is.

He started walking towards them again. They remained still, their heartbeat not giving up the race though. Now he was towering above them. Which wasn't too surprising since he towered over most people.

There was a slight chemical smell to the blood dripping from their wounds. They were definitely drugged. Probably to make it easier to bound the down.

He had still a decision open. He wouldn't kill them. Their end should not be decided by the cult. But if he just let them wander back to society, Slender might catch wind. Especially if it would be covered by the news. Which probably would happen, considering the small town close by.

They would show up all beaten, talking about this cult. They heard his name too, that being dropped into the news would leave slender all kinds of mad. He probably would be send to kill them later. To corrected what the 'messed up'.

The only other choice was taking them back, trying to get them to live in a mansion full of criminals and monsters. Slender still wouldn't be all too happy, but jack could lie about them just being fresh food for him.

That would mean that he would be forcing them into the path outside of society. Just like they had dine to him. He was torn up.

"Say," he could try to push the choice to them. Probably wasn't the nicest, but it would make it easier for him. "if you have to chose between dying right here, as painless as possible or leaving society and start a new life amongst monster of all kind. What would you prefer?"

Their mouth fell open. However no words came out, not for a few minutes. He definitely wanted to go home along time ago, but he knew what kind of life deciding question he was asking.

"wh-what about just letting me go back to my old life? I-i won't tell anybody about you, please." tears started running down their face. "Not an option, not really. My boss will catch wind of that and have me kill you later as well as punish me. But in the end, you will wind up dead."

They closed their eyes, face crunched in pain. "The monsters wouldn't?" they laughed, now looking at him again. "Not if I tell them that you're off limits", "But why-" Jack interrupted them, "You might not be able to to grasp this, but they have hurt me too. Maybe out of spite, I don't want them to succeed in anything, not even in your death." he started to growl towards the end. Their eyes drifted over the mushed corpses just for a secind before returning to him.

"o-ok, I'll go with you". He nodded. Jack slightly raised his hand before swinging it down, qucikly cutting through the ropes that trapped them. He didn't really consider how him raising his hand and swinging it down must've appeared to the human.

They shrieked, before they realised what he did. "oh.." it was quiet. They pushed themselves up with shaky arms. Jack raised an eyebrow, "are you sure you can walk?". They looked at their legs, which where now dangling down from the altar. They slightly shook their head.

Jack was quick to pick them up. They took a sharp breath, probably not expecting that. Their hands grasping on to his hoodie as he began to walk. He didn't want to stay here any longer than needed. He also wanted to be home.

It would take awhile, but he can use that time to think about how he can explain you to slender.

[weirdlypasta]

Marble Hornets/ Creepypasta stencil dump

Feel free to use any :) I ya post them, tag me, because I wanna see :)))

[weirdlypasta]

what is it the kids say? 'skinny legend'?

[weirdlypasta]

Jeff the killer as a pony

I headcannon Jeff to be a pegasus, sporty and such. The “horn” is actually a knife. Slender gave that to him, transformed him if you will. It doesn’t have any magic, it’s just there to cut.

This is what I had kinda in mind. My inspiration

[weirdlypasta]

Toby pony - not too happy with it. I'm still trying to find my artstyle

[weirdlypasta]

Demon Sea-Jack

My probably only mermay artwork its simple its lazy but it's also my fav creep

[weirdlypasta]

This is the best thing I've read in any fanfic, Shakespeare be damned!