17flavors

[17flavors]

Some Brief Thoughts on Good Will Hunting.

We all scapegoat.

I don’t care who you are, we all do it.

There are three kinds of scapegoating.

The first is when we’ve had a rough day and find ourselves in traffic and lay on our horn and flip off the car in front of us who can’t go anywhere either but they’re as good as any to receive our wrath.

We make them a scapegoat. A kind of release valve of the days tension.

Then there’s the kind that appears in our friends who we get pissed at because they’ve got something we don’t. Or maybe they actually lack something we think we have. Maybe they’ve got a good job or make more money. Maybe they have the kind of relationship we think we should have. Or maybe they have the freedom from relationship we wish we had. Regardless, the projection is consistent with a fear of lack within.

Let me explain.

This form of scapegoating actually is more common than the first. We do this to avoid having to deal with the real issue in ourselves. Whether it’s an issue of lack or an issue of self control, as long as we can project it onto someone else, we won’t have to face what’s inside of us.

The third is a bit more hidden.

This form of scapegoating appears when we have a deficiency in ourselves but project it as a problem on another in order to keep the focus off of what’s really going on.

Perhaps you struggle with rejection. In order for you to avoid facing that personal issue, you reject as soon as you can. You can’t reject fast enough. It’s like that scene in Good Will Hunting when he’s confronted with the reality that he pushes people away before they have the chance to push him away. We don’t like to admit we have a problem. Our ego wants to maintain a semblance of perfection. And so in order to avoid accepting that we have a problem, and admit we aren’t perfect, we continue to project the emotional force of it onto someone or something else.

These are all forms of scapegoating.

While they may not sound groundbreaking, it’s amazing what transpires when you actually live aware of these when you’re doing it.

For as long as we have a scapegoat, we don’t have to be better. But there will come a time when we are faced with a situation when a scapegoat cannot be found. In this instance, we are forced to face the reality within we’ve hidden from for so long.

In order to avoid that embarrassment, come clean now. Recognize when we are scapegoating. Recognize why we’re doing it and be aware of the emotions surrounding it.

Ultimately, in so doing, we will begin to recognize when we are manifesting deeper issues we aren’t prepared to deal with in dishonest ways.

Once we are ready to deal with them...well, that’s for another blog. This is only a part of a larger topic I work on and cover. Maybe someday I’ll explore more with you.

Until it’s time to write that...

Grace + Peace.

[17flavors]

Parenting: where there is chaos there is life

Raising kids is maybe the hardest thing I’ll ever do.

Raising them with someone else helps, but what happens when you’re not on the same page with that other person on how to raise them?

I am by no means an expert in parenting. And I’m sure all of this will evolve and mature as time goes on. But this is what I’ve learned so far.

It’s no secret my wife is smarter than me in a lot of ways. When it comes to children, she’s a PHD to my GED.

She’s had a head start on it. She started babysitting when she was 10 years old. As for me, I had a babysitter when I was 10. That’s about it.

When you have multiple kids, it gets even messier. They can’t all be parented the same way. They each have different needs and desires. They develop varying personalities and express themselves in various ways.

So how do you maintain some level of consistency when you’re trying to raise them all in the same home, without messing them up for good?

I have some thoughts on the subject. I believe it’s a combination of things.

1. Start with love. If my wife and I parent from a position of love, even when we screw it up, we’ve done some good. Now, most parents would agree that they love their children. And I’m not disputing that. But by starting with love, I mean to say there is a place of autonomy given to the child. They grow up knowing they can make mistakes and try new things and mess up because of the starting point: they’re loved regardless.

One of the things my wife and I discuss is making sure our kids know they are loved unequivocally and without performance or condition. So at the end of the day, when my kids are settling into bed, I make sure they know, regardless of accomplishment, good behavior or bad, I love you and I’m proud of you for being you. Life isn’t easy and if, as adults, we’re still trying to figure out how to navigate through life, imagine what it’s like for a 6 or 8 year old. They need to have a base camp. They need to have a starting point. That starting point should always be unconditional love.

2. Autonomy. This point is birthed out of number 1. When a child’s starting point is love, and they know it, they live in such a way that who they are is not defined by how well they do. When that’s the case, they also live in such a way to be curious, engaged with life around them and free to experiment and experience life as it unfolds. They’re free to make their own mistakes knowing it won’t cost them their parents love and affection.

Without autonomy they become their parents puppets and live and move according to whatever structure and stipulations are set for them and never find their own. If they don’t have autonomy, they never have a sense that this life is their’s to enjoy and create. They are living out their parents wishes according to their parents mood swings.

I try to imagine being a kid. How my childhood was. Childhood is a big deal. It’s almost always what adults have to revisit when they’re in therapy. So I always try to remember the obvious: this is their childhood. This is the season for them that’s going to matter the most. This time for them sets the stage for the rest of their life. If they don’t have the freedom to figure out the little things on their own, how are they ever going to have the confidence to figure out the bigger things? A child with no autonomy can’t make decisions for themselves. An adult who never had autonomy can’t make decisions for themselves. They never learned how. It's important to us that our children grow up knowing that they are brave enough and smart enough to make choices. This is the time to do it because mom and dad are here to buffer any serious consequences. Clean your room now or later but it’s getting cleaned either way. Here are the options, choose how you’re going to do it so you can experience what it’s like to live with your decisions.

3. Work on yourself. This one comes out of the last one too. As a dad, it’s important to me that I’m the best I can be for them. If I’m working on myself every day, every day I’ll be better for them. They deserve a dad who is more forgiving and gentle, more loving and less temperamental. I get there when I work on myself. I’ve seen a drastic transformation in my parenting over the course of several years as I, personally, have grown and matured. My kids didn’t choose me, they’re stuck with me. It’s precisely because of that I want to be the best I can for them.

If I’ve learned to let go of my ego, I’m less offended when they don’t listen to me. I can approach that situation now with less personal offense and more practical to what they need to be doing. If I’ve learned to better handle my emotions in strenuous situations, I’m less inclined to flip out on them and scream and yell and say or do something I’m going to have to apologize for later. I can acknowledge the current situation and act accordingly.

Lastly on this point, rely on the strengths of your partner. Often I’ve found where my wife is strongest is where I’m the weakest. And likewise, where she’s weakest, I may have some strength. If you’re doing this as a team, act like it. When one falls short, allow the other to encourage and step in. If you’re a single parent, you’ve got more strength than any of us because you’ve had to pull the weight of two by yourself. Be brave enough to look within yourself and you’ll find all you need is right there. And if you’ve got help at all from family or friends, don’t be too prideful to lean on them. They love you and want to help you be the best you can.

And one more thing on that, give each other breaks. Recognize when one has had enough and offer some respite to cool off and center themselves again. My wife and I have gotten good about letting the other go out with friends for a few hours while the other stays back. We take turns. And similarly, when my wife needs a Target vacation after a long trying day, she gets it!

Again, I am no expert on these thing and my kids are still young and so is my time being a dad. Figuring this out with someone who’s had a hand in this for more than a decade longer than me helps.

But lastly, I want to speak on the communication between mom and dad.

My wife and I talked recently about how we approach our kids and being on the same page. We don’t always agree on an approach or how the other handles it. But I think it’s important both parties communicate. We’re figuring this out as we go along. If we didn’t have each other, our kids would be hosed.

If my wife does something I don’t agree with, before I react to it and start an unnecessary argument (which I’ve done plenty of times), I want to hear her heart for it. Maybe she’s had a rough day and that was the last straw. That means I need to be even more present in giving her a break and let her have some alone time to collect herself. We won’t get anywhere if after she gets pissed at the kids I get pissed at her. And likewise, when I make a decision she doesn’t agree with. Or what about when we seem to be on different teams in the middle of a situation? Whoever was present during the conception of the present issue should make the call and then mom and dad retreat to discuss. There have been times she’s been in the middle of something and to me it sounds as if it’s just chaos. Then here I come, hero to all, and try and “smooth it all out” with my grand wisdom and clarity. Only to find out that she was handling it and I simply had no clue what was going on. I digress and let he finish. Afterwards we regroup and discuss. Chances are I’ll discover she knew what she was doing and I simply didn’t.

This list isn’t exhaustive and it’s all I’ve got for now. Like I said, we are young parents who, while still trying to figure out life for ourselves, is trying to give the best life to our little ones. It isn’t always easy. We make a lot of mistakes. It’s messy. It gets loud. But to me, that’s just another way of saying there’s a lot of life going on.

Grace + Peace

[17flavors]

Why I Am A Hypocrite: getting out of my own way

Let me tell you why I’m a hypocrite.

Most of my thinking up until recently has been quite future focused.

This makes me a hypocrite because for so long I’ve hammered out the encouragement that we should be present minded and not dwell much in past or future. This seems to be my M.O. to be honest with you. I get inspired by something and then process through it by verbalizing and talking it through, but it isn’t until a magical moment that it actually breaks through for me and I start living what I’m saying.

For several months now I’ve been working through how fear of rejection has infiltrated nearly every part of my life. Getting past that and ironing out those wrinkles has allowed me to better enjoy and love myself again. What this has done is open up the confidence to see myself move into what my heart desires and where I could see myself down the road. You see, that’s why this is a journey. This life we are living carries us from one moment to the next, each moment necessary to make it to the next one. There’s no real sense in getting too discouraged when something goes wrong, or not the way we wanted it to go. Somehow, in some way, it’s shaping us and getting us ready for the next one. Be discouraged and upset, it’s healthy to allow yourself to feel these real emotions, but don’t settle there.

I needed to have that confidence booster so I could anticipate and breathe life into my ambition and look down the road to greater success and accomplishment. Where that lead me, though, is where I am today.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post about discouragement and not feeling significant. While that day was a particularly hard one for me, the feeling didn’t go anywhere. It stayed there under the surface.

But where it brought me was of even greater necessity. And it’s not lost on me that even this post may, in a month or so, have a response post indicating where this, too, has taken me.

My insignificance came from realizing that I wasn’t living up to the idea I had of myself. It made me discouraged about my life right now not being all I see it could be. That’s not just unfortunate for me, it’s unfortunate for those I love around me.

All this time looking to what I can become and working towards creating something significant. All the hours spent imagining what I could be and what it would look like and how I would get there, made me miss one thing. I didn’t realize it at the time of so much daydreaming because I thought I was finally functioning in confidence and not governed by my fear of rejection. I was spending so much time thinking about what I could become and be, I was neglecting who I am now and what I’m doing now. I missed the present entirely.

This has many side effects to it. My wife, my kids, my work, my friends and family, and my ability to sincerely enjoy all of them as is. They become collateral damage to my own inability to properly engage in the moment.

We can know something but keep ourselves from living what we know when we don’t really believe it. You know when you finally believe it when you have that “aha” moment and feel struck by something new. It isn’t new. You’ve known it intellectually, but it’s taken experience and shaping to get you ready for that knowledge to manifest in real life living.

What I realized finally in my heart, not just my head anymore was I have plenty of time to move into whoever I desire to be down the road. But that’s not me now. What my life is now requires who I am now to function at its highest quality. If I limit who I am to what my life needs of me, we both lose. And every time I set myself back in the past, in regrets, in guilt and shame, in “if only I’d done it this way” or “if only I hadn’t made that decision”, and every time I gaze too far into the future, in far off hopes and dreams and ambitions, I miss out on what my life is contributing to me and my life misses out on who it needs me to be right now.

I want to be a father to my kids. They’re young and need a present dad who will love them and raise them, teach them and encourage them. I want to be a husband to my wife. She deserves love and affection and attention and encouragement and support. We both need to be parents who are trying our best to figure out what the hell we’re doing and hope to God we aren’t screwing them up somehow.

In the long run I see myself as a writer, a speaker, a thought leader, a coach and encourager on a larger scale. But that’s not who I am right now.

This doesn’t mean I don’t write, speak, encourage, and coach people right now. I do all those things. I do these things according to who I am now and at the level I’m prepared to function. The scale at which I do them is what time will tell.

Once I let this notion of living in the present move from being a nice, cliche mantra, to how it actually plays itself out in daily living, I can feel the effects. I can feel myself less anxious about achieving something more than what I have now. I can feel myself less discouraged when I’m not living up to some future desire now. Don’t get me wrong, those ambitions and desires are still very much there. I’ve just put them where they need to be. Out of my way. I don’t distinguish them, I catalogue them. I put them where they need to be so they aren’t distracting me anymore from what’s right in front of me.

I stress way less when I’m worrying less about not living up to who I think I should be and engage more with who I am and what I’m doing now.

And my wife and kids get more of me when I choose to be fully present with them, content and satisfied with everything that’s in my life as it is. And in turn, I am always being shaped and molded into what I need to be for when that time comes. But it isn’t now. This is now. And this is exactly what it needs to be.

My hope for you is that you too will come to realize that who you are and what your life is now is what it needs to be in order to form you into who you’ll need to be when that next season comes around. And it most certainly will come around. Be prepared in the best way possible. Whether your current situation is good or bad, there’s something in it you need. Figure out what that is. Take in everything you can right now, all around you, because you’ll need it for where you’re going.

Grace + Peace

[17flavors]

What’s Your Worth?: Addiction & Choosing Life for You

It’s often said that you only hurt the ones you love.

Loving someone typically means they hold some value to you and your life.

But I think it goes a little deeper than this.

I was recently counseling someone who was struggling with his addiction. He shared with me that he misses his daughter and the thought of her gave him courage to keep fighting.

We talked through times in the past where he had her in his life and still made certain decisions he was still making today. I wanted to find a baseline of a common denominator so we knew where to begin digging.

After looking at the various times he’d relapsed in the past, we outlined what life was like during each of those times. Things were good, he was working, he had his daughter, they had their own place, making money, etcetera.

But there was always some point where he wandered from the path and fell hard, losing everything all over again.

I brought up another point that had been brought up to me by a counselor years ago. I asked him, “You’ve talked a lot about what your daughter means to you and I don’t have any doubts the value she has for you, but have you ever considered what value you have for her?”

The initial shock of hearing that stopped him.

The difference, I continued to explain, is that you’re not limiting the reasons you would change because of someone else. We typically see this in interventions and those types of motivating vehicles to get someone to change because someone else wants them to. This isn’t personal, it's not birthed from within, the driving force behind it is for someone else.

And while this doesn’t sound like a terrible thing, it almost never lasts. Maybe in a few months or even a couple years they relapse. If your sobriety comes at the desire of someone else, it will always be hinged on that someone else. So what happens when things go south with that person? The drive is no longer there.

Or let’s say that person moves on and out of your life. So does your reasons for being sober.

I understand there are exceptions to this, but in my personal and professional experience, whatever the change is, if it’s for someone else, it won’t last.

There is, however, another way.

It is when you begin to understand your worth to others. This motivation comes from within. This begins with a sense of self-worth and intrinsic value. If you don’t have any self worth, all you’ll have to go on is whatever value you can get from someone else. But if you can dig into the depths of your own personal value, dignity and worth, so much more can change.

I helped him see that value his daughter places on him is for the benefit of her life as well as his. He can’t maintain a level of value to her if he won’t ever agree with the worth he carries. If we undervalue ourselves, we will always come up short of our potential to make the most of ourselves in any given situation. We will always question ourselves and doubt our talents and abilities.

The purpose of checking in on your self-worth is to always keep the gauge alive on where your decisions are being made. This is something I’ve learned to do on a regular basis, multiple times a day. Make it a habit. Check in with yourself. You deserve it. If your decisions are coming from a place of anxiety over what someone else will think about it, you’re deciding from the wrong place. If you make decisions from a place of what you truly want, what’s good for you and what will express the best of you, that’s the right place. And when you do this, others will be positively affected as well. Even if the decision is a resounding no to someone else’s request of your time or energy, at least you’re being real and honest with them. That deserves some respect. And they’ll think highly of you in the long run, and you’ll feel even more fulfilled that you aren’t selling yourself short for the sake of someone else.

To close this up, coming to terms with the worth you have to the people in your life will ultimately give you permission to make the healthiest choices in life, because you realize you’re worth it. And these choices will come with longevity. It may sound redundant, but believe me, the alternative is suffering. The alternative is a prison of shaping yourself around the wishes and desires of others and never discovering the true value in who you are.

Whether it’s addiction, physical fitness, mental health, diet, education, employment, spending time with your family and friends, going out to eat, your spiritual life or whatever, this is your life and it’s the only one you’ve got. Spend some time soul searching for that worth and do whatever it takes to come to terms with your innate value as a human being. Learn from your mistakes and why you made the decisions you did so you don’t have to make them again. And choose what’s best for you and your beautiful life and the ones who truly love you will be greatly affected and blessed by the you that finally comes through.

Grace + Peace

[17flavors]

Editing Life: who should stay and who should go

When is the last time you truly did a real assessment of your life?

Last year I was at a conference where author Daniel Pink was one of the speakers. He was talking about his new book, “When: the scientific secrets of perfect timing”. In it he explains that in the last phase of our lives, our circles shrink and we tend to do more editing of the people in our lives.

When I heard that, the first thing I thought of was, “I don’t want to wait that long to start editing”.

As it is with many of you, we find various kinds of people in our lives. Close friends, friends, associates, acquaintances, and so on.

A lot of this editing starts to take place when you transition from what value you bring to someone else’s life to what value they bring to yours. When you weigh the difference, what that person means to you dramatically changes and can now be edited out.

If this is the first time you’re reading something like this, it may seem harsh. But when you take into consideration that you only have this one life to live and it’s meant to be enjoyed and lived fully, the priorities of who you allow to speak into that fullness are reoriented.

Here are some examples of right people to be in your life I wrote down preparing for this post:

No yes men/women

Encouraging

Wise

Empathetic not sympathetic

Accountable and will hold you accountable

Non judgmental

Believes in you

Courageous enough to weather with you

Open & honest

Desires all the same from you

While this list isn’t exhausted, I think it covers a broad stroke of what you can relate to.

You all know the people in your life that you’re finally able to take a deep breath when they leave. It’s the tense sense of performance that goes into being around them. They aren’t home to you and so you’re never quite at ease when they’re there.

These are often the same types of people who only accept you and invite you in for what you can do and be for them. It isn’t you they’re after, it’s what you can be for them. What you can accomplish for their life. Once that has run out, or life sends a curve ball, you’ll be cut off faster than you even realize what happened.

Remember this: If someone didn’t stick around when who you were crumbled, they don’t deserve the benefit of who you became on the other side.

The people who truly love you for you won’t be swayed by circumstances in order to determine their level of involvement in your life. They’re in it because of you.

Then, there are those who, when they are around, it is home, and you can completely be yourself. They get you and you get them. And to an extent, it’s rather effortless to be with them. Maybe you have some news you can’t wait to share with them. Maybe something hard and painful that you need their encouragement and wisdom to give you a better perspective.

If you don’t have the right people to lean on in life, life can get exhausting being weighed down by pushing your way into people’s lives. We shouldn’t be pushing, we should be pulling, drawing others into our circle. We do that naturally.

Think about it right now. There are some close people in your life that just kind of fell in there. Maybe you met through someone else and struck up a conversation and the rest is just history. And they stayed. It’s been a pleasure getting to know them and being known by them. Then there are those who you’ve been bending over backwards to please and impress, even 10-20 years into knowing them.

These are the ones to edit.

Now, let’s keep it real. There’s a very good chance you could be the someone someone else needs to edit. So am I! The point is, there are always people in our lives we find no longer serve the purpose they once did when they came in. Or maybe we didn’t need them but we just fit in with what they were doing, and we never left.

It needs to begin with knowing yourself and where you are in life. There are plenty of things day to day that drain us. We don’t need another “friend” in there draining even more.

This very well could be on your end alone. Maybe that other person is simply doing their thing and you’ve worked and worked to fit yourself into their life. This happens when we spend too much time focusing on our lack rather than being grateful for our abundance. They’ve allowed it because it doesn’t necessarily cost them anything. But then what about when you need someone? When you need a friend or some encouragement? They aren’t the first person you think to call, are they? Actually, it may even stress you out to think about calling them. This is someone that can be edited out.

Allow me to clarify editing.

I do not necessarily mean to completely cut them off and don’t ever speak to them anymore. We aren’t talking about killing people off from our existence. What we are talking about is editing the position that person holds in your life. Editing the meaning that person has for you. And there very well could be people who need to be cut off. Maybe they should have been a long time ago. Someone who hurt you, abused you, betrayed you. Someone who trampled through your life and expected you to apologize for getting in their way. If we aren’t cautious and aware, we’ll play along and lose ourselves along the way.

There are plenty of people who I can still consider a friend but they don’t hold a position in my circle like they used to. Some people that I’ve moved from one column to another for my own safety and sanity sake. People that keep you in their life for convenience but they don’t really need you. Do you know people who need you like you need them? These are people we keep and pour more of ourselves into.

The goals and purpose in your life is of most importance. Seeking them out and achieving them happens when we believe in ourselves enough to know we deserve the best possible outcome. We need to surround ourselves with people who contribute to that vision. They have their own and you need to be contributing to theirs. If it’s sincere and good, there’s no need for competition or comparisons. Just complementation.

As life goes on, we will find our priorities naturally change. As we get older and more of life unfolds before us, we will discover our ideas, worldview, understandings and approaches to life are going to evolve. We get married, have kids, change careers, get divorced, get hurt, lose a loved one. The list goes on. In order to keep up with life and in order to make sure you’re living it as abundantly as you should be, some editing may need to happen.

There may be some people coming to mind now that if they had less of a role in your life, it may actually make things a little easier. Maybe there are others you wish you saw more of. Keep these people in mind. Pay attention to what you are telling yourself. The problem is, we don’t listen. We live reactionary. If we believe we are unloved and neglected, we will latch on to anything that resembles acceptance, even if it’s from someone who could take us or leave us. This perpetuates our own diminished self-image and our ability to sincerely love ourselves. And therefore, drastically decreases our chances of seeing those life goals and ambitions come to fruition.

We only have one life to live. Don’t waste your precious time on someone who doesn’t contribute to the fullness of your life. Don’t waste your time on someone who’s going to make things harder.

Surround yourself with people who will love you when you’re up and down. Who hold you accountable in love when you make life harder for yourself. Who will encourage you when you can’t see yourself the way you truly are. Someone who leans back on you when they need some encouragement. Friendship is a powerful, beautifully necessity of life. I have some people in my life that are beyond friends, they’re family. Along with my wife and kids, I couldn’t do this without them. They make it easier. There are others I’ve learned over time, maybe too long, that don’t deserve to hold that place in my life. And so they don’t anymore. It doesn’t have to be a big public breakup or anything. I just stopped trying to persuade them that I was good enough. I learned to realize that I already am enough and no longer needed their approval to believe it.

I’m in a different place in life, and maybe so are you. Some people just don’t fit into where I am anymore. And that’s ok. It’s not necessarily a negative on them. Maybe you don’t fit in with where they are either. That’s fine. Just be honest about it and real with yourself because your life deserves it.

I hope you come to see those who are life giving and those who are life draining. I hope you can be genuine to yourself about the answers. This is where the editing takes place. This is where the trimming and pruning come in. And don’t forget, pruning is done to improve plant health and the quality of flowers and fruit. May the same be for you.

Grace + Peace

[17flavors]

To the Person Who Called My Wife High Maintenance

Recently someone called my wife “high maintenance”. This, understandably, sparked her then to ask me if she was, in fact, high maintenance (that’s right, it wasn’t me who called her that).

Initially I felt on familiar ground. “Tread lightly” my mind told me. So I thought about it for a second.

At first, I asked her what she meant by high maintenance. How are we defining the term? Because truthfully, while I’ve never thought of her that way, now that it’s being brought up, maybe she is? I couldn’t be sure and it wasn’t something you just drop on her and walk away.

And then I threw out the term “high standards”, or even “high expectations”. Those two could easily be synonymous with each other.

After doing a little soul searching (as you do when you’re put to the fire like that) and some further digging into definitions, I came to this conclusion that I want to share about my wife.

My wife is not high maintenance.

My wife has high standards because she knows what she wants. Now, she wouldn’t say that about herself. And she probably wouldn’t even agree with me saying that about her. But luckily for me, she’s not providing any input in this.

She knows what she wants because she has an uncanny ability for vision and imagination. When she gets something in her mind that she wants, she’s able to create the reality for it in her mind. This isn’t limited only to home projects and landscaping either. She does this with motherhood and in our marriage. The greatest disappointments for me have been when I have not lived up to the vision she holds in her mind for me as a man and as a husband.

This isn’t maintenance. This is a standard. The difference is dramatic. She doesn’t require specific regulations or stipulations in maintaining something she feels she’s entitled to. She doesn’t live as though she deserves children, a husband, a home and happy life. She lives with the expectation that if she pours herself into this life to make the most of it, it sets its own standard for everyone else in her life to contribute to that same vision.

Like any couple, it takes time to get to know each other. This doesn’t happen prior to the wedding day. This is the joy of continued commitment and work by both parties involved. She had no idea what she was in for when she got involved with me. The baggage we both brought into the relationship suddenly became weight for the other to bear. If we don’t consciously choose to raise our standards from where they were when we accumulated all that baggage, the weight strains and as life goes on, more is added, and the two that became one are now rivals staring down the other for survival of the fittest.

We both went through pre-marriage counseling and looking back now, I’d say we were well below the mark of truly understanding the full nature of being a married couple. There were the basics. Yes. And we got through them. Understanding roles and certain expectations. But it’s the nitty gritty, the day in and day out, the everyday nonsense that pops up unannounced we were completely naive about. Like when you’ve come home from a long day at work, and she’s had a long day with the kids, and you’re both exhausted, but life goes on. So there’s little things that need picking up and tidying. There’s some dishes and maybe a diaper needs to be changed. The desire is to unwind and recharge after a draining day. Not so fast. Dinner needs to be made, homework needs finishing, bedtime rituals need to be initiated. If there isn’t some base standard for the relationship between the two involved, you will be eaten up by the circumstances of life.

That standard goes for personal and marital.

If I’m floundering personally, I will be a weight to her. Believe me, I know from experience. If, however, my personal standard is set high enough to where I need to make adjustments for myself in order to reach it, the results will be felt in my marriage. Progress in any area leads to happiness in that area.

As this evolves, life goes on. You’re raising little human beings to love, grow, mature, contribute and to be anything but an asshole when they grow up and enter society, and you’re doing this together. You’re figuring this all out together.

I mean, we even used to say that if this was true and real, it should be easy. No work necessary. How foolish we were. Part of the joy in being married is the grit and grime of figuring this stuff out with each other. It’s not like you’re going to be fully prepared for everything. What fun would that be? But some real life stories from those who have travailed the trenches help shape your own narrative about this thing you’re venturing into.

Before we were even married, I was frustrated with her and how she processed life. It wasn’t like me and therefore was clearly flawed. What took time to learn, was that while I didn’t see progress in the time I wanted to see it, underneath the surface and looking back, there has been incredible progress and growth in her. And it’s perfect because it’s in her timing and in her way. I know she gets frustrated at me because I’m always changing and learning and growing and trying new things to be better. She tells me, “It’s hard to keep up”. And I know I get frustrated with her because she doesn't. At least not like me. But she does. She does because she has high standards.

Her standards are synonymous with her belief that things can be better and can improve. And that includes our marriage, parenting and the summer garden.

Her standards speak to something greater than where we both are right now, drawing us forward to realizing the vision she has for who we can be.

I need that in my life. If I don’t, I may as well not be married. If I don’t, I rely solely on my own vision for myself and my own life. If it’s going to include her, I need her standards to lift mine even higher than I’ve set them. And she needs mine too. She needs my standards to speak life and vitality into her current vision and self-image. We both seat ourselves at the table of our union, and sitting there, side by side to dine, we feast upon the fullness of the other to satisfy the discovered need for all that the other is. For our own survival and our ability to make it through this life abundantly and in one piece.

Maybe you’ve been struggling with whether or not you're high maintenance or just someone with high standards. Chances are, it’s the latter. Chances are, you’re reading this because you need a little encouragement in life, wherever you are in life. Maybe you’ve lost sight of why you’re even married any more. Maybe you’ve lost vision for being the best mom or dad you can be. Maybe you’ve lost vision for finding someone who compliments the deepest and most comprehensive parts of your being. Maybe you’ve lost vision for making the most of your situation because you know this isn’t it for you, there’s more. Those standards are going to lead you there as they are with my wife. It isn’t maintenance she’s after, it’s the desire to see her vision for a beautiful life lived out. She does that with her standards. And she holds them high. Lean on those standards. Hold them high. Breathe life into them. Allow them to move your vision into the light and enjoy.

So to the person who called my wife “high maintenance”, you don’t know her like I do. I know it’s easier to label someone than to have a relationship with them, but as long as you do, you’ll never know the joy, courage, strength, wisdom, humor and all that she is and I love. And that would be a shame.

Grace + Peace

[17flavors]

Sometimes: struggling through insignificance

I tried writing my regular Wednesday post and stalled in the wake of it feeling a bit forced.

I don’t necessarily want to write and post for the sake of keeping with a schedule. Often something will strike me throughout the week that gives me material to write about.

The one thing that did this week was inferiority.

It’s something I’ve struggled with a good bit of my life. Honestly I’m not entirely sure where it comes from yet. For me, at least right now, being aware is the first step to overcoming it.

But I didn’t have much to say on it.

I found my words rather trite and cliche, and not wholeheartedly sincere to what I needed to say about it.

Sometimes it’s good to be honest when you’re not at your highest.

I spent a good portion of this morning feeling rather insignificant. The conclusion that I came to in the midst of my struggle was the relationship between insignificance and an inferiority complex.

I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others. Even with people I don’t know personally. And I know, comparison is the killer of joy. I’m aware. But simply knowing that doesn’t ensure I won’t fall prey to it at times.

I think where it all started for me today was a sense that while I may at times be aware of the impact I am having on people's lives and what influence I may even have for others, I don’t often see tangible fruit from it.

While I know the difference between good fruit seen in the lives that have been impacted by my ministry and work, and the fruit as far as personal success. Getting these two confused can often lead to feelings of insignificance.

I know it’s a lie.

But sometimes I choose to believe the lie and suffer needlessly.

I look at people that inspire me and feel insignificant in their wake. Granted, most of which are many years older than me and have been doing what they do for decades longer than me, I’m impatient and want results now.

If I don’t get the results I’d like to see, there must be something wrong with me. I want a certain level of success and I want it now. If I don’t see it in my life, clearly I’ve failed and am not quite as significant as I thought i was.

Let me take a moment to also address the fear that often comes in when wanting to open up and be vulnerable as I’m attempting to be. The fear is that people will just think you’re seeking attention or that you’re fishing for compliments. And I’ll be completely honest with you, maybe I am in a way. That’s a result of my feelings of insignificance. I spend more than 40 hours a week encouraging people and teaching and sharing and coaching on how to enjoy themselves and live a more enjoyable life, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

But sometimes I need that encouragement too.

Deep down I know the truth of the significance I do have with many I work with, at work and at home. I’m aware of the impact I have because the people I work with are gracious enough to thank me for it.

But sometimes I let the lies take center stage and need a boost.

Maybe you do too sometimes. And maybe you feel insecure about saying so because of the fear of what other people will think of you for it. Who cares? I’m sure they feel the same way. If anyone has anything negative to say, it’s only because they want to push you into the spotlight so their insecurities and fears are noticed.

As I’m writing this, I’m not feeling so insignificant anymore. I brought a group of residential guys to the gym to work out and that helped get my mind in a different place.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is find something that will snap us out of the unconscious pattern of anxieties and insecurities and set us back on the track we normally find ourselves moving on.

In closing, feelings of inferiority often go hand in hand with pride and entitlement. And not the good kind of pride. Because there is a good kind. A sense of pride in the family you’re raising, the work you do day in and day out, the relationships and work you put in on yourself to make sure you are always progressing through this life.

But the pride that I’m talking about is the pride that will put others down in order to lift you up to make up for the sense of inferiority you’re feeling. The kind that because you live feeling inferior to everyone else around you, your ego makes up for it by judging and critiquing everything they do and say. And it’s just so damn exhausting.

I think an inferiority complex breeds the sense of insignificance sometimes and it deteriorates the senses over time. It diminishes our ability to have that good kind of pride where we can revisit the truth of how significant we really are to probably more than we know. And if that happens, we’re doomed. We sink deeper into insignificance and inferiority and only perpetuate the lie. And then we’re as good as dead. We’re not really living anymore.

So for what it’s worth, this is me being honest about a morning of struggle and momentary suffering. While it may seem petty to some, if you can relate at all, you know it isn’t.

Grace + Peace

[17flavors]

Racial Justice: a benediction

I was recently invited to give the closing statements and blessing at the Syracuse area Racial Justice Awards.

The ceremony actually takes place tonight. I was asked to keep it under 3 minutes so below is the expanded version of what I eventually ended up with.

Good evening.

“We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.”

I share these powerful words from Abraham Lincoln as a reminder that there is something greater within us than our capacity to hate and divide. These better angels of our nature.

I’ve lived my entire life in privilege. Most of which was lived ignorant and unaware of this privilege which is precisely why it is privilege. With all the stresses and anxieties life can throw at us, the color of my skin was never something else I ever had to think of or consider. Not everyone can say that.

I grew up fairly sheltered in 2 different ways. The first being that I lived in the typical white washed suburbia of central New York. The second, that I was never exposed to overt racism until I was 21 and moved further south. This was when I first heard the “N” word used in normal conversations.

I was shocked! I was so naive I honestly didn’t know that kind of talk still existed. And to top it all off, imagine my shock when I saw an ad for a KKK rally scheduled in a local newspaper.

This level of naivete is a symptom of privilege.

I bring this up because it is imperative to the conversation we still, as a society, shy away from having. We like to pretend there isn’t a problem and that racism is a marginalized social issue for some, but certainly not a systemic polarizing thing that continues to plague the deepest parts of our society.

This political atmosphere we all find ourselves in has brought some things to the surface, hasn’t it? Things that, for all intents and purposes have been lingering there beneath a beautiful humanity for far too long. Things that, while I find appalling and abysmal, are a part of the humanity I claim to love. If I’m going to love that same humanity, I have to be aware of who I am choosing to love.

From my faith background, I believe that God has taken this route. In our shortcomings and our apparent knack at discovering ways to make each other suffer, he has, from the foundations of our existence, chosen to love us and make us a part of his life. If I’m being honest with my tradition and my heart, I desire to do the same.

But it isn’t easy.

Disheartened or not, I don’t want to stay there, and I don’t believe you do either. By staying disheartened, we lay prey to inaction and complacency. No progress has ever been made in history that way.

We must use that righteous anger as fuel to ignite in our bones a passion for change and forward momentum. For too long, so many have felt their voices haven’t been heard. And if I’m being honest with you tonight, I don’t want to hear them.

But we must.

I don’t want to hear them because, truthfully, I find it personally difficult to understand hate on any level. I can remember, despite growing up in a rather conservative, evangelical world, the murder of Matthew Shepard rocked me to the core of my soul. Something was stirred in me and I had to do something. I wanted to share the movies being made about his story and the bigotry lying not so quietly below the surface.

I couldn’t understand why someone would hate someone just because of who they love. And likewise, I couldn’t understand why someone would hate someone because of the color of their skin.

I believe we must choose to share space at this table of mankind. In the cries of so many who feel neglected and unheard lies a thousand more voices crying out for justice. If we don’t find a seat at that table, neither voice will be heard. If we won’t listen to why someone hates, they won’t listen to why we love. And no healing will ever take place.

I recently brought a group of guys I work with to see the new Marvel movie, Black Panther. Without giving anything away, the underlying theme of the movie was: Unless we are conscious and aware of what is stirring in our hearts, we can become like the oppressor and continue the cycle of resentment and hate.

In the words of T’Challa, the Black Panther, “We will work to be an example of how we as brothers and sisters on this earth should treat each other. Now more than ever the illusions of division threaten our very existence. We all know the truth: more connects us than separates us. But in times of crisis the wise build bridges, while the foolish build barriers. We must find a way to look after one another as if we were one single tribe.”

So may we see those better angels of our nature. May we see that we are made in the perfect image and likeness of love. May we choose a place at the table of our humanity to listen to the voices and stories that are hard to hear. May we find a way to look after one another. May we use the harshness of our discouragements to fuel a greater passion for hope, progress and true equality. May we, in the spirit of love and goodness, be inventive in our hospitality to each other, creating new ways of building those bridges and exposing our deeper connections as a part of this beautiful and complicated human race.

Grace + Peace

[17flavors]

The Need for Change: how uncertainty can contribute to a better life

I look for inspiration wherever I can find it. If there’s an area I want to excel in, I find a book or speech or whatever from someone who’s found success there and I steal from them.

Recently I started a new series at work for our Tuesday evening small group.

I stole the 6 human needs from someone I’ve been personally inspired by and formulated them into a 6 week series built around an idea.

The idea was that if there was something in your life you wanted to change, how would these 6 human needs play a contributing factor in making that change?

Right off the bat I had everyone shout out human needs. There were plenty to go on the whiteboard. Most of which were technically more important to human survival than the 6 I was going to present. But keeping it in context, air and food aren’t necessarily going to directly contribute to me becoming a better person in a specific area of my life.

Once everyone exhausted possible needs, I listed mine.

Certainty. Uncertainty. Significance. Connection & love. Growth. Contributing beyond ourselves.

Most were fine with the list except for one. Uncertainty.

It was hard to imagine how uncertainty could play any kind of positive contributing factor in life change.

But this was going to be a 6 week crawl, so we didn’t have to jump the gun. I knew where I was going with everything and so we began with certainty.

By the end of the group I had wrapped up certainty as something we can rely on, something we can begin with because we feel certain of it. We can be certain of the sun rising and setting. We can be certain that we’re going to need a cup of coffee shortly after waking up in the morning. We can even be certain that we love our children. But there are other certainties that we have formed over time due to life experience. These are going to be quite different depending on the person and the life they’ve lived. But these certainties have helped shape our worldview and ultimately how we approach life. So it’s good to know what we’re certain of and how we became certain of those things.

To close I asked everyone to think of one thing they want to change in their life. It could be a habit, like smoking, or even a deeper addiction of drugging or drinking. It could be how they are in relationships or the fact that they are always negative and cynical and for the longest time wanted to be better about that. Whatever the change, I want you to get it in your head. Think deeply of that thing maybe you’ve wanted to change your whole life but never knew how to or that you even could change. You can do that now too. Got it?

I gave everyone a challenge. I told them that if they engage in group every week, contributing, really digging in and being honest with me and the group and sincerely taking it all in, along with meeting with me at least once a week to go a bit deeper, I guaranteed they’d start seeing change in that area of their life. I encouraged them that if it was something sensitive and they didn’t feel like getting too open about it with everyone else in a public space, I’d provide for them a notebook they can write in during group and in their free time. But when we got together, 1-on-1, we were going to go through what they’ve been writing and thinking about. They’d have to get real and transparent with me.

I think, too often when there’s something significant we want to change, we curl up inside, not wanting to reveal what that thing might be. Keeping it in only gives it permission to stay right where it is. But if you’re serious about changing and being better, really serious, my challenge is that you do everything it takes to see that change happen. You go places you’ve never gone before. You visit memories you’ve all but buried and forgotten about. You use every tool in your reach to dig up those roots, rip them out and build a garden box around that area to plant new life and beauty.

I assured them that it wouldn’t be easy, but it would ultimately be worth it. I know from experience.

In our third week, we cover significance. But last week something magical happened. As I began with uncertainty, the critiques and suspicions arose as to how on earth uncertainty could possibly contribute to this life change.

Here’s how I’ll close this post: Uncertainty breeds questions, because it is in our nature to want to be certain about things. It gives us a peace and comfort to know that we know that we know. When we’re uncertain about something, we ask questions in order to find some answers. Whatever questions we ask will determine what we pay attention to. What we pay attention to on will then determine how we feel about that particular thing. How we start to feel about it will inevitably determine what kind of action or inaction we take regarding that thing.

So ultimately, when we find ourselves in a place in life we are uncertain of, we begin to ask one of two questions. If we’re not careful, we limit it to “Why am I this way?” or, “Why is this happening to me?”

Sound familiar?

This question then leads you to concentrate on the past and more specifically, the hurtful and painful past or bad decisions, bad relationships, betrayals, rejections, abandonments, the list goes on. This, not surprisingly, then leads you to feel depressed, anxious, guilty, hurt, broken and beaten down. It is no wonder that eventually you find yourself spinning around in that same position, feeling bad about where you’re at rather than doing something about it.

So what’s the other question? Rather than “Why am I this way?” or, “Why is this happening to me?” you begin to ask “What do I need to do to be better?” or “How can I get myself out of this situation?” This line of questioning conceives hope and anticipation and ambition. This type of attention leads you to feel better about your uncertainty, which then gives you the motivation to take action, whatever it may be.

Needless to say, there was no longer any confusion about uncertainty playing a significant role as a human need. We need uncertainty because of the questions it breeds. The questions we ask, though, will determine a lot of what we do with those uncertainties.

I want to leave the same challenge with you.

If there is an area that’s popped up in your head while you’ve been reading this that you want to change, I want you to reach out to me for a more personal, private conversation. 1-on-1. You can find me on Facebook messenger and connect with me there. But I make the same guarantee to you as I did to that group 3 weeks ago. If you’re serious about changing, do whatever it takes, glean from wherever you can, and be inspired by something that will motivate you because you’re worth the change you seek. And if you do, I guarantee in 6 weeks, you’ll start to see change in that area of your life.

Grace + Peace

[17flavors]

Coming and Going: mentors, seasons & learning what fits you the best

I didn’t always think I was the type of person to have a mentor.

I didn’t think I was the type that necessarily needed one. Until I had one, of course.

I had just recently agreed to move to Maryland and was relatively fresh and vulnerable in my new life. I had just gotten out of the hospital a year earlier and was staying with my parents when I made a trip to visit where I’d soon be moving to.

I remember the visit pretty well, too. We got there late and were greeted by Gary and Pat, my friend’s in-laws. They were a couple probably in their late 50’s, early 60’s. I was a frail, vulnerable, fresh new person being welcomed and invited in immediately.

It was Thanksgiving week and I already felt a part of the family. Gary had been reading a book called, “The Prophet” by Khalil Gibran. I didn’t pay much mind to it that night as it was late and we were ready for bed already. I woke up early and came into the kitchen to check out the coffee situation. It was one of those mornings where you wake up in a new place and so you don’t know where everything is and don’t quite feel at home enough to just rummage through everything. Gary was already awake, reading.

He called me over and the relationship was born. He showed off his book and shared some insights he’d been gathering from it. I’d never heard such talk before. I’d never heard such organic, life-filled inspiration and it wasn’t even 7 in the morning yet.

Even as I write this now it makes me emotional thinking vividly back to that morning and our entire time together. You cannot underestimate what a mentor and father can be to you. I don’t mean father as in biological, but more like a spiritual father or someone who takes you under their wing to encourage growth and the best parts of you to come to the surface. Gary most definitely did that! And that’s not to forget all that Pat was for me too. A mother figure. A most necessary figure in that season of my life. I couldn’t have made it through without the love and support and guidance of both Pat and Gary.

That weekend was full of family, food, playing football in the autumn leaves, good coffee and more conversations about Khalil Gibran. I made a mental note to get the book when I got back home. Today, it is still one of my all-time favorites. I still reread it once a year.

A few months later, when I officially moved down there, the relationship only took off and bloomed. He invited me to come over weekly for a Bible study and it was like no other study I’d ever been to before. To get this full picture, you have to truly appreciate where I was in life. Just one year prior I had been released from the hospital where I was admitted for what the doctors called “temporary insanity”. This was due to the excessive drug use I’d put my body and mind through for the couple years previous to that. I was encouraged to not go back with my old friends and so thankfully, my parents letting me stay with them, became my only friends. I eventually started going back to the community college and working full time. I had been seeing a social worker regularly who introduced me to his son who was a part of a small group through a local church. I started going to that church after much encouragement from the group. And that’s where I met my friend, Chris. He was the youth pastor at the church where I was doing community service that I was assigned after getting pulled over for speeding and discovering I had a warrant out for my arrest for something I did 2 years before that.

Deep breath.

After being invited to move to Maryland (his home town) to help him plant his own church, I figured I didn’t have anything to lose. Why not?

I didn’t know how to live. I had an idea about life and God and what I wanted to do, but I had no idea about who I was or what life should be lived like. I thought I knew things, but I had no idea. I felt like I was reborn and needing to be brought up all over again. Gary was that father figure to me in those early years.

There’s a hell of a lot more to say about Gary and those 5 years I lived in Maryland. I grew a lot. I learned a lot. It was probably the greatest period of growth for me, mentally and emotionally, in my entire life crammed into a short period of time. And I truly do not believe it would have been if it hadn’t been for Gary.

But that was then and this is now.

I still talk with Gary and catch up periodically and when my family goes to visit down there, we get together and embrace and make the most of the short time together. But as life changes, so do we. We grow and progress and sometimes that means outgrowing certain people who once played such a significant role in our personal progress.

And I don’t mean that in a negative way. It’s a positive thing. If it hadn’t been for Gary, I wouldn’t have grown to a place where I could be like that bird being let loose on her own for the first time. Free to fly away from home and make a life for herself. The things I learned and grew into, I took into my new found life. I wouldn’t be who I am today or be where I am today if it weren’t for Gary. But that was then and this is now. What do you do now with who you are and where you are? You can’t always lean on the same people. They played the role they were meant to play for that time.

Now what?

It just so happens I met Bill at an Interfaith Roundtable of faith leaders meeting. I was assigned to sit on the roundtable to represent the Rescue Mission initially. It has significantly grown on me, however, and I’d most definitely still attend even if it weren’t for work. Bill is a retired Episcopal priest and social worker. White hair, tall, thin, soft spoken man with an ocean of wisdom in nearly everything he says.

After one particular meeting, something struck me when he announced he was moving to another state. I jumped at the opportunity to have at least one in depth conversation with the man before he left.

We got together for coffee and talked for over an hour. I shared my story, he shared some of his. I shared where I was in life right now and the things I had been contemplating and thinking about. Whether it had to do with life, God, family, parenting, being a husband or being in ministry myself, we covered a lot. At the end, he paused and put out an invitation. This was it. He asked if, despite him leaving, we could still get together and continue our chats. He said we could continue via skype or FaceTime, whatever worked. I smiled big and agreed.

And right there, a new mentor came into my life.

You see, mentors exist to show us how to live in certain seasons of our lives. That’s what their purpose is. And while it may seem sad and unfortunate, sometimes that mentor who fit so nicely in that one particular season, isn’t going to fit in the next. And that’s ok! We don’t’ have to force it. They can remain in your life and still continue to be an advisor and friend, a distant support as needed. But more often than not, you may find yourself in need of another mentor. Someone who will listen to where you are, understand, and speak life into it. A mentor is someone that can sincerely take in all the pieces you have to give them and turn it into a life you’re able to figure out and live. I say that because even to this day, today, like, I’m going to be speaking with him today, I connect with Bill. We schedule an appointment once a month where we FaceTime. We catch up on each other’s lives and then I usually go into where I am in life and what I’ve been struggling through and thinking about and contemplating. He takes all those pieces and offers them back in a form that I can make sense out of.

I can remember all the pieces I used to give to Gary. I can remember how much of a mess a lot of those pieces were. And I can’t even fully articulate how he was able to make sense out of them, but he did. He took everything I brought him and turned it into something I could live with and understand. He is the reason I grew out of him. Again, not in a negative way. Not in the least. But, rather, in a most positive way. In a way that allowed me to move on in life and away from the coup and into the next chapters of my life. But for these present chapters, a “Gary” wouldn’t do. I needed a “Bill”.

To close, every season of your life is built on the previous season. And what you’re building now will be the bedrock for the next. You most likely will need mentors for the various seasons of your life because while a “Gary” will bring you through one season, you’re going to need a “Bill” for the next. What one is helping you build today won’t be able to help you build tomorrow.

I’m guessing there are some of you out there that need a mentor. Someone, preferably older with much more life experience and wisdom, that you can connect with and open up to and pour your pieces out to and see what kind of life they can make of them. I can’t stress the importance and necessity of these beautiful souls in your life.

I don’t know who your “Gary” or “Bill” will be. Maybe they look much different than mine. Either way, find yourself someone you can sit with, or FaceTime with and talk with. Someone who will listen without judging you and will love you through this season, only wanting the best of you to come to the surface so you can experience your best life.

Grace + Peace

[17flavors]

Apologizing When You’re A Real Life #assholeparent

I wake up early so I can avoid these kinds of things.

That’s what I tell myself at least. Raising 4 children doesn’t always make that a reality, though. Raising kids at all brings all sorts of things to the surface. Not in the least of which is a fear that you’re going to be the primary reason they’re going to be as messed up as you are when they’re adults.

But sometimes whatever you’re going through at any given moment collides with them and it isn’t pretty. This was the scene Monday morning in my home.

I had gotten up early as usual and instead of taking some time aside for myself to recharge, center myself and set the pace for the rest of the day, I decided to tidy up and clean up a little from the weekend. I chose to reset the condition of the home rather than the condition of myself.

I wake everyone up at 7am on school mornings. The boys had both woke up before 6:30am. They initially sat themselves on the couch and were alarmingly quiet while I started the dishes. The quiet, behaved, good little boys quickly turned into kicking each other under a blanket, yelling at the other to “STOP IT!”, and getting the dog riled up which added even more chaos. In my attempt to keep the house relatively quiet for the rest still sleeping, I had repeatedly asked them to keep quiet.

“What do you want for breakfast?” I asked, thinking it would at least distract them. I ended up turning the water off, drying my hands, and having one of the boys go get dressed for the day while I started making their breakfast.

After a while, Atlas came out naked holding a hoodie, a shirt, 1 sock, underwear and a bow tie. I knelt down to help him, realizing there were no pants and the bow tie wasn’t going to fit well without a collar. As I tried to explain he would need to wear pants to school and, while I like the bow tie, he was going to need a different shirt to go along with it, he began stomping his feet and screaming, “NO!” in my face. The frustration began.

In a quick shut down attempt, I shuffled him back into his room. I finished preparing breakfast while I waited for his inevitable return. This time with a button down, but still no pants. I reminded him of the pants situation but met him half way and started fixing his shirt on him. It didn’t take long before I realized there were several buttons missing on the shirt to which I informed him we’d have to find another one that had all its buttons. Again, he stomped and screamed out and I escorted him back into his room. The blood continued to boil under the surface.

It was 7 now, and time to get Ella up for school. My son came back out, this time with pants and a polo. I sent Benjamin in to get dressed and began prepping lunches.

When Benjamin couldn’t find his toothbrush, I reminded him that it was either in the bathroom or in the cabinet next to the bathroom. He insisted he couldn’t find it. The frustrations continued to pile on top of one another. Again, I stopped the dishes, huffing and puffing my way over to the cupboard to move a couple things around to find his toothbrush probably where he put it away last. I snagged it, wagging it in his face letting him know he clearly didn’t look hard enough. He stared at me with wounded eyes. I scoffed it off and went back to the dishes.

Most mornings, once the kids are up, look pretty much the same. There is the basic routine and the same battle my wife and I fight with them each morning. By the time things seemed like they were settling down and I was about to start getting ready for work myself, there was the whistle.

This seemingly innocent whistle is what set everything else in motion. There I am, taking a sip of my now lukewarm coffee, when I hear it. It was one of those sounds that gets lost in the background of everything else, though.

“Daddy, was that you?” Ella asked innocently. “Did you whistle?”

To which I shot back, “I didn’t do or say anything, Ella!”

I took another sip, looking at the time, when I notice the whistle again. There was a brief moment I even thought of starting my own investigation into the whistle just so I didn’t have to field any more nonsense questions.

“Daddy, was that you?” She asked again, giggling.

I set my coffee down hard, shot her a look that could have vaporized her on the spot and repeated myself, “I said I didn’t do or say anything, Ella. Which means I didn’t whistle. I didn’t DO OR SAY ANYTHING! OK?!” Clearly I am a child.

“Ok”, she answered back sheepishly, staring at me with vacant eyes. The kind of eyes that hold a sense of disbelief and confusion. Benjamin, having been my most recent casualty even stopped what he was doing. Probably to see if daddy was going to “lose it”. Well, son, unfortunately, daddy has already lost it.

Seeing their reaction to me, my heart sunk and I knew I screwed up. By all accounts, Ella was a passive recipient to my frustration. She wasn’t even up long enough to fuel some of the irritation the boys had earlier.

I made my walk of shame over to my daughter.

I pulled her close and called the boys over too. I got down on my knees to be eye level with them and apologized.

“That wasn’t right. I’m sorry. I love you and I shouldn’t have talked to you like that. Will you forgive me?” I pleaded.

They are far more forgiving than I’m sure I deserve in those kinds of moments.

It isn’t easy being a parent. It’s not easy navigating through life sometimes as it is. Put the two together and you’re bound to have these kind of pileups. While the collisions happen, it is important to make a conscious decision to own it when you’ve done something wrong. When you didn’t handle a situation the way you should have. It is important for your child to see you take responsibility and apologize. It’s important because they’re taking their cues from you at how to do this life thing. And to be honest, that in and of itself scares me at times. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs in my life and I don’t always react or respond perfectly. But that’s good for them to see too! It’s good for them to see that perfection isn’t the goal. Relationship and reconciliation is the goal. I’m fine with them knowing they’re going to screw up and mess up and make bad choices and that’s how they’re going to learn how things go. But I also want them to know the value in recognizing foul attitudes and when you’re being so reactive to situations you leave a trail of casualties behind you. I want them to know its ok to be vulnerable with the people you love and you know love you. I’m still learning that one myself at 33.

I want to raise my children to be decent, loving, caring, compassionate, forgiving adults. If they’re going to be, I need to make sure those are the values I’m displaying as their father. To their mother, to them, to strangers, to whomever. I love my kids and sometimes I get pissed off at them. That’s not necessarily the problem. If I overreact and snap and treat them unfairly simply because I couldn’t keep myself cool, I want to own it and apologize so they know to do the same. I can’t expect something from them I’m not willing to do myself.

The question isn’t whether you’re going to lose it or not, but rather, what are you going to do about it when you do? What are you displaying for your children to absorb and relate to? They will reflect that into the world.

I love my kids enough to want to make sure my relationship with them remains intact. And not only that, but thriving and healthy. In order to do that, in order to do that in any relationship, forgiveness is key. But I can’t expect them to forgive me if I don’t ask for it. I should be willing to humble myself and recognize that I screwed up and apologize because they didn’t deserve to be talked to that way. Kids are resilient, yes, but only until they learn enough times that they aren’t worth my apology and should just stay out of my way. Then their spirit and vitality for life begins to fade and I’ve failed at the most important job I’ll ever have. I don’t plan to do that.

My encouragement to all you parents is to recognize when you’re reacting out of your own shit. Recognize the times when you’re only pissed off at them because you couldn’t maintain control. Recognize the times when you’re struggling through something at work or the house or bills or whatever is outside of the realm of concern for your children, and you take it out on them. Own it. Apologize. Ask for forgiveness. Reconcile, and they’ll know to do the same in life when it’s inevitably their turn.

Grace + Peace

[17flavors]

One More Thing: 3 killer habits & how to recognize them & dismantle them

This feels like more of an addendum to the last couple posts, but I have more to say on the subject.

These are just some extra quick observances I jotted down that I think could be helpful in being self-aware of how we think of ourselves and how that plays out in everyday life.

Ever since I’ve been trying to be more self-aware as far as making sure I’m being myself as often as I can, I’ve made some practical steps to make it easier.

One of those is being aware when I’m tempted to hesitate in any given situation to speak my mind in fear of what the other person will think of me. Another is to be self-aware when I’m tempted to talk myself up. There are moments when I’m talking to someone and they share something they’ve done or are doing and there it is, it creeps in through the back door of the conversation and if I’m not alert enough, I’ll let it come right in, unannounced and uninvited, but present all the same. What I’m talking about is the temptation to talk myself up, to add onto what they’re sharing the fact that I do it too or that I’ve done something similar. I can’t let them have the light, I must share in it as well.

I can’t tell you how often I’m tempted to add something about myself in any given conversation. Now, I’m not saying it’s bad to talk about yourself or share what you’re doing or have done, that can help with self-worth too to not be ashamed or embarrassed to share something like that. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the true reason for letting it out is because you want to make sure the other person knows this about you and you can share in the glory of the accomplishment or whatever it is.

One example of this from my kids is when Atlas comes out of the bedroom with a shirt he wants to wear for the day and shows it off asking me to notice what he’s picked. Then, from the other room, Benjamin adds on, “That shirt was mine first”. The same type of thing happens with adults all the time. It’s embarrassing, but we do it and we do it because of our need to add worth to who we are by pointing out things that are uncalled for at that moment.

There might be a time and a place to express those things, but typically when it is done, is not the right time.

I’ll give you another example. When someone is telling me about their job and what they have been doing and in the middle of it, it sounds good and great and all but let me tell you about the good work I do and how busy I am and how amazing my employer is, blah blah blah. Not only was it unnecessary for me to add all that in at that time but it wasn’t even asked for. Now, again, there is a time and a place for that in certain conversations. I’m not talking about a general pessimism when it comes with sharing about yourself. It is being self-aware enough to know that you’re starting to feel a little jealous that this person is sounding so great and it may in fact be diluting my light so I better add in my 2 cents before I go out completely in the dark.

The insecurity that I’m not good enough leads me to always need to add in something I feel will give me some worth. The truth of the matter that needs to shine through is that who you are, as you are, is enough and good and what the moment needs and calls for. It doesn’t need anything added because you’re perfect for it as you are.

Another thing is the need to explain yourself.

Whenever I’ve caught myself tempted to dive into this little piece of insecurity, it’s left me feeling even more unsatisfied and even more embarrassed actually. It just seems to add so much more unnecessary conversation that turns into a hole you don’t know how to dig yourself out of.

This plays well with the next point which is being misunderstood. Let me explain.

Say you’re in a conversation and you say something. You try to backtrack in your mind but then you end up making sure you tease out what you just said so it can’t be misunderstood. Being misunderstood seems to have always been a huge deal for me. When I feel like I’m being misunderstood, I’m tempted to explain myself even more to maybe iron out some details.

Or what about those conversations you walk away from only to regret certain things or wish you’d said something different. And then you email or text them trying to explain yourself only to find out they walked away from it with a completely different experience than you.

The truth of the matter is, though, you may not have been misunderstood. You’re probably just insecure about what that person is formulating about you in their brain, about what you said or did. Explaining it may only make it worse. It draws further attention to something that would have otherwise flown under the radar.

I can remember for a long time now this one thing has been such an important issue for me. Being misunderstood was admittedly frustrating and I could never really put my finger on why, until recently.

I was reading the new Brene Brown book, Braving the Wilderness, and the concept of belonging hit me like a ton of bricks. I had spent many years “belonging” to a group only to have the carpet pulled out from underneath me. Anytime something like that happens, you find yourself lost in the wilderness. Her concept of wilderness really spoke to me. Whenever you’re willing to stand up for yourself and speak your mind despite the apparent opposition, you’re entering into the wilderness. For me, the wilderness was choosing to believe something I felt was true regardless of the flock I once followed rejecting it. What I did, unfortunately, was project the rejection of those views and beliefs onto me as a person. When that happens, it’s who I am that is being rejected. That level of rejection somehow rewires how you see everything else. In the midst of that, you better believe being misunderstood was a great fear and anxiety for me.

Scared of being misunderstood, I found myself over explaining things and at times it was completely inappropriate. It thrusts me further into insecurities and embarrassment. What I learned is that my belonging had nothing to do with my being accepted or included in something. My belonging is something that I own and carry with me. Brene says, “Belonging isn’t something we negotiate but something that we carry”. I can feel that now.

These addendums were important for me to add because they are some of the most prevalent examples of how my low self-worth and “not-good-enough-mentality” worked itself out practically every day. I wrote these habits down as things that I’ve begun to notice tapering off simply because of my awareness of their existence. It starts there. If I can be aware of something that is limiting me or hindering my progress in life, I can then begin to figure out why I’m letting it hold me back.

These may be habits formed over time due to a deeper rooted thing, but these are also the very habits that when broken, can open the flood gates to a better self-image, self-understanding and healthy self-examination. Hesitating doesn’t have to be a bad thing, but when your reason to hesitate is because you’re wondering if you’ll be rejected for speaking your mind, it isn’t healthy. It’s a tense and strangling way to exist.

As I’ve said before, you’re going to be rejected in life at some point. Let there be no suspense about it. But don’t forget that it isn’t you they’re rejecting. It is their idea of you, or your ideas in general that they’re rejecting. Not who you are. You are worth much more than their formulated opinions about you. I’m learning to be ok with all of who I am and everything that comes with that. So can you.

So lastly, these few habits are as follows: the need to explain yourself, then the need to add something about yourself, and the fear of being misunderstood. These are my habits. They may not be yours. These are mine, and as I begin to notice when I’m tempted to do either of these things, that’s progress to me. It is the next step towards real freedom to be myself and not have to apologize or hide my true self in fear that it won’t be good enough for the world. It is. I am.

But maybe they speak to you too. Maybe you’re reading this and can relate. I hope you can because I know the freedom I’ve found. My desire is to help you find freedom as well. If these are your habits, I hope you will begin to notice when you’re tempted to play into any of them. That’s the first step. Once you notice, you can dismantle the patterns by digging into why you felt you needed them in the first place. Once you do that, you’re on your way to true freedom.

Grace + Peace

[17flavors]

Prison of the Mind: recognizing habits that keep us in limiting self-beliefs

For a long time now, I lived with the belief that I had to be careful how much of myself I exposed to people, in fear that they wouldn’t like me. I thought that I could somehow control what someone thought of me. It’s the classic fear of rejection.

The habits that I formed around it was that of hesitation and anxiety in any kind of interaction and conversation with people. My hesitation in speaking what I was thinking. My hesitation in being completely honest about what I felt and thought. My anxiety afterwards over what I said or what I did, fearing it would alter the perception that person had of me.

I was recently speaking to a group of men about this issue and phobias and fears came into the equation. So I asked the men to raise their hand if they had any phobias. Several of them did. I asked which ones. A few shouted out heights. I heard “snakes!” shouted out. “Crowds!” someone else blurted out.

Now that I had the bedrock to work with, I began describing what I meant by limiting beliefs. Now, in all honesty, these fears weren’t exactly the example of something that was keeping these men back from success necessarily. It’s not like if one worked up enough courage to climb a ladder, he’d suddenly become a millionaire. Or if another let me wrap a giant python around his neck he’d fall into the career he always wanted. But at the same time, if I suddenly stop fearing being rejected, it doesn’t automatically ensure my immediate success monetarily. It does, however, ensure that I’ll enjoy myself much more through life. And that, to me, is success as well.

There are several examples of limiting beliefs. The one I shared above about my own, runs very deep. Another that I’ve struggled with over the years is the belief that I wasn’t good enough. Extending myself to produce and do, in order to create a value others could weigh since I wasn’t enough, became the primary habit around that belief. If I’m not enough, maybe what I can do for people would be.

The general point is this: something happened that caused you to form a belief about yourself. That belief is rooted in fear. To keep yourself safe from that fear, you unconsciously formed habits according to that belief. These habits keep you stuck in the cycle of that belief and often limit our ability to be completely free and vulnerable in life.

I don’t think these are exclusive to me. In fact, I think fear of rejection and not being good enough may be some of the most prolific limiting beliefs people struggle with. The point is to recognize the habits you use and become aware of the beliefs that trigger them.

For the height guy, he fell off a ladder when he was young. With the crowds guy, he remembers a time when there was a fire drill at a concert and he couldn’t get out in time because of the amount of people cramming the exits. For the snake guy, he was startled at a young age while playing in his backyard. The fear at such a young age drove him to formulate the belief that snakes were fearful and scary.

It may be easy to recognize the habits that form around these. If you’re afraid of heights, you probably do whatever you can to avoid going up any higher than you’re comfortable with. If its crowds, you avoid going anywhere you know a lot of people will be. If it’s snakes, well, you just simply avoid them at all costs.

But what if it is rejection or the fear that you’re not good enough? Those have to come from somewhere. I think it’s important to remember when that belief took root. What were you doing? Under what circumstances did you default to that belief?

I think mine started when I was young too. At no fault to my parents, they were doing the best they knew how (and being a parent myself now I know all too well what that’s like), I grew up never feeling like what I did was enough. There was always something more that could be done. If I accomplished something, that was good, but you could have done more with this, or you should have done more with that. Whatever it was. Right or wrong, as a child, you take that as meaning it wasn’t good enough. And when you’re young enough you don’t know how to differentiate between what you do and who you are. Shit, even most adults don’t know how to do that still. So, if what I did wasn’t quite good enough, neither am I.

Unfortunately, this cycle ends up perpetuating itself by confirming your worst nightmare. Anytime, from that point on, that you start making bad decisions and wrong choices, it’s projected onto your identity. It confirms that, “See, you messed up. Of course you messed up. That’s all you’ve ever done. You’ve never been good enough.”

Did I mention rejection and self-worth often go hand in hand? If who you are isn’t good enough or what you do isn’t quite good enough, that’s interpreted as rejection. And even that continues to confirm that not only what you do is being rejected but it is interpreted as who you are is what’s being rejected. Growing up with that psyche is draining at best. One of the habits you end up forming is tense anxiety almost all the time. The patterns and habits don’t always have to be physical things. They can be thought patterns and mental habits that you create to keep yourself safe from the fear of whatever it is you believe to be true.

In my case, I believed that I wasn’t good enough and therefore would be rejected. So that became my lens for life. Every conversation, I waited for when it would be confirmed. Every situation I waited for confirmation of my deepest rooted fear. Even in my marriage. It kept me from being completely honest and vulnerable with my wife and close friends. It kept me in hesitation and feeling tense about how much of myself I exposed at all times.

A practical way to recognize whether or not you’re functioning in limiting beliefs is to be aware of what you are focusing on in any given situation along with the emotion attached to your focal point. What you focus on will ultimately determine the experience you get from the situation. For example: if you’re talking to someone and you leave the conversation focusing on the things you shared and it leaves you with a negative emotion (i.e. dread, shame, embarrassment, regret) there’s a good chance you have a limiting belief about yourself. If, on the other hand, you leave focusing on the impact of the dialogue and the fruitfulness and engaging benefit you received from the conversation, there will most likely be a positive emotion attached and therefore, more likely than not, no limiting beliefs.

As far as the habits surrounding this are concerned, it’s right there with the focus. That’s your pattern. You habitually revisit things you said, how the person may have perceived them, and what they’re likely thinking about you because of them. If you can’t let something go and if you obsess and mull it over and over and over, you are limiting your ability to get the most life out of these life-giving situations.

To close, it wasn’t until I recognized what I was doing, that I was able to see why I was doing it. We can go so long in these habits that we think they are just how we are. We don’t recognize them for what they are. And when we don’t, we wonder why we aren’t seeing the changes in our lives we want so bad.

So what are some of those limiting beliefs you’ve been carrying? What are some of those fears you let hold you back from success, whatever success means to you? And if you can answer that, what are those habits you’ve formed that keep you in those limiting beliefs? What patterns have been set in your day to day life that ensure those fears won’t be confirmed?

I’m still working on it. Right now that means many times a day I’m recognizing when I hesitate to share something or be completely honest about how I’m feeling or thinking. And so far, when I can see it, I make a conscious decision to be intentional about sharing and opening up, exposing myself. Because, if that belief that I’m not good enough can come in as it did, it can be changed just as well. And that’s what I’m doing. I’m changing the belief. I’m choosing to believe that I am good enough, just as I am. Who I am is enough. And you can only do that once you start changing the habits that kept you there in the first place.

What do you believe about yourself? When did you start believing that? What are you afraid will happen to you? What have you been doing to make sure that doesn’t happen?

Grace + Peace

[17flavors]

Connect: being available & vulnerable to share in each other’s stories

Recently I met with someone who was in pain.

We’d never met each other before. It was one of those meetings where you get there a little early and you’re looking around at everyone in the place to see if they’re looking for you. And you look up every time someone comes through the door. We didn’t even know who we were looking for.

Our initial connection was through a mutual friend. I had met with her and her husband a while back concerning their son who was struggling with addiction. This friend also had a son who was struggling with addiction and struggling bad. I agreed and we began messaging one another back and forth to set up a time to meet.

She had initially shared her apprehension of getting together with a stranger. She said she was rather private. I explained to her that I understood the privacy but that I was available to her if and when she wanted. I shared with her my work at the Rescue Mission and that I had my own history with addiction.

That seemed to ease her a bit and we set a date and time.

So I’m sitting there, sipping my coffee, waiting for this stranger to show up.

She came in and walked in my direction. As she came around the corner our eyes met.

“Are you Matt?” She asked.

“I am”, I answered, standing up to greet her.

We sat down and gave the usual greetings and agreed on ordering breakfast as well. I’m not sure what I expected, but she was old enough to be my grandmother and that initially surprised me.

Once we ordered, it didn’t take long before she got right into it.

I won’t give you all the details, of course, but I will say, as she went on, she shared her heart about her son and the struggles they’ve had and where they’re at currently with the situation. Our food came, and as I sat there, chewing my country fried steak and scrambled eggs, she went back a little further. She looked across the table at me, paused, staring intently as if she was trying to figure me out.

“I think I need to go back a little further for some more context”, she said, breaking the silence.

For the next hour she poured her heart out. She started as far back as late teenage years and went all the way up to present day. This woman’s story had a lot of in and out’s as many of ours do. There was such depth at certain points, such darkness and pain. At one point I even started tearing up, feeling overwhelmed what this stranger sitting across from me had lived through. I felt connected with her pain and feeling the extent of her suffering with her.

There were long pauses as we both tried to collect ourselves. It was strange, really. We had just met not an hour before, but sitting there, we connected so deeply over the story of her life and the narrative that had brought her into that Denny’s to meet me that morning.

One thing that struck me was the importance of connecting with each other. The importance of making room for each other’s stories in our own. We may not know everyone that we see throughout an entire day. We may not even want to. But if we’re honest with ourselves, we know the pain life can sometimes bring. We know the twists and turns that bring us to where we are today. It is more often than not, lost on us, that those around us do too.

That morning I felt such ache for her as she shared of loss and rejection. As she shared of abandonment and abuse, I wanted to step into the story with her just so she would know she wasn’t alone. There is no way I would have known the extent of her story if I was not willing to be completely present in that moment with her. She would have explained the situation with her son and we could have left it at that and chatting away about addiction and the possibility for hope and helping him get what he needs. And that would have taken up the morning and been successful and fine too. But there was something about that morning that she, as apprehensive as she was initially, opened up to go all the way back and fill in the rest of the story. It was almost like she needed that.

It made me think of how much we all carry. It made me think that we aren’t created to carry all that. It made me realize that’s why we must be available to each other to help carry those burdens. To remind each other that this isn’t the last chapter and there is still so much more to be written. It made me think of how important it is to be intentional about being available and present, even with strangers, to let them know how loved they are.

I share all that with you because of the impact that it had on my day and probably even my life. I also want to encourage you to make yourself available for someone. And share, as you feel comfortable, your pain and loss as well. We totally underestimate the power of personal connection and vulnerability. I, myself, get so caught up in what opinion is being formulated about me when I do choose to be that vulnerable. But learning that who I am is enough, allows me to step out and be susceptible to being loved for who I am, not for who I can pretend to be. Even with my wife it must be a conscious decision to be and stay vulnerable. It isn’t weakness as too commonly thought of, it’s courage, to step out into the cold, the wind blowing, you never know what’s coming your way, and speak up and speak out for yourself and the story you carry.

The waitress took our plates and I took my final sip of coffee as she wiped her eyes thanking me for contacting her and meeting with her. I paused, looking her in the eyes, and thanked her for being brave enough to tell that story.

“I know it wasn’t easy”, I said.

“It isn’t, but it’s mine and now you’re a part of it”, she answered back.

Even hearing that took me back. I paused again and told her that I wanted to do this again.

“I’d like to meet again and talk some more”, I said.

She nodded. “I’d like that”.

I don’t think we were at the point of hugging yet as she remained seated when I stood up so we just shook hands and said our goodbyes. An odd way to end such a powerful conversation, but it was perfect for what it was.

I’m looking forward to our next meeting, whenever that will be.

Grace + Peace

[17flavors]

Start Here: being intentional about being better

One of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis, said, “There are better things ahead than any we leave behind.”

When we start a new year, everyone is always tempted to make a fresh start, begin new things, start dieting and create endless lists of resolutions that statistically don’t last beyond the month of January.

I’ve never been a big resolution person anyway.

The way I see it, if I want to change something, I’m going to change it. I’m going to figure out a way to change it and I’ll do my best to see it through. I don’t need a date to tell me it’s time.

But there is something about refocusing some things because of a date or an occasion that allows us to be intentional with transformation. It’s similar to a birthday, an anniversary or holiday. We buy gifts for people we love and give it to them on these special calendar days but that doesn’t mean we only love them on those days or that through the specific gift we show our love. Understandably, we love throughout the year, we probably even give gifts throughout the year too. The point is the intentionality of refocusing ourselves and using whatever it is we can to do so.

Being the first post back in the New Year, I don’t want to go all crazy deep but I do want to share some things I want to be intentional about growing and progressing. As I’ve said before, change is inevitable but progress is a conscious decision that is followed by intentional action. Here’s a quick list I threw together the other morning (literally) as I was thinking about this:

I want to live more intentionally and consciously.

I want to make more lasting memories by staying as present in each moment that I can train myself to be.

I want to read more books that inspire and encourage me to be better in all areas of my life.

I want to eat healthier because I now believe I deserve it.

I want to drink more water.

I want to write more.

I want to publish my next book.

I want to continue to create content with my blogs and build and breathe life into this passion I carry within to see people learn to enjoy themselves and their lives more.

I want to get increasingly less frustrated at the chaos of my children and pets.

I want to tell my wife I love her more.

I want to make it a daily practice to make sure I kiss her goodbye every morning before I leave the house.

I want to share with her and be more vulnerable with her.

I want to be intentional about listening to her more.

I want to be less selfish.

I want to continue setting aside my early mornings for personal growth, centering prayer and meditation practices.

I want to breathe more.

I want to listen to more new music.

I want to cook more and try new recipes.

I want to exercise.

I want to plan more for work with groups and services.

I want to take the most recent revelations of my personal struggles with rejection and the freedom in finally loving and accepting myself again to continue to flourish and grow and ignite the same self-passion in others around me.

I want to make more money.

I want to save more money.

I want to spend less money on fruitless and unnecessary things and invest in things with longevity and things I believe in.

I want to be able to help others financially.

I want to stay conscious of what growth I have obtained in this previous year only to build upon it for the upcoming year.

I want to share more insights and wisdom I’ve gained through my trials and struggles with more people and watch their lives transform.

I want to spend more time outdoors regardless of the weather.

I want to walk my dogs more.

I want to play with my children more.

I want to take my wife out more.

I want to make her smile and laugh more.

I want to spend more time with my parents.

I want to hang out more with my brother.

I want to play more games with friends.

I want to help out more around the house.

I want to be more of a gentle person.

I don’t want to have to make excuses for who I am anymore.

I want to be proud and confident in who I am presented to this world as a unique brand of excellence.

I’m sure the list could go on.

And it should! I don’t want to limit what an entire year can bring to my life.

My point in sharing this off-the-cuff list is to emphasize that there are plenty in here that I’ve done and have been doing. My goal is to be intentional about the things that I want to continue to be better at. The things that I know will make my life better for me and all those around me. I know how enriching some of these things are to my life and I simply want to be enriched even more.

Maybe your list looks considerably different than mine. It should! What I think is a powerful thing to keep in mind as we move further into yet another year of our lives is to examine all those things we saw holding us back from an incredible life. Those things that we made excuses for not starting or completing. There are things on your list that have probably been on your New Year list for years. What has stopped you from seeing that thing come to pass in your life? What’s stopping you today?

I think for me, right now, it has a lot to do with how many years I spent watching my life go by, not grabbing a hold of it and being intentional with how I lived it. But this is the only life I have. Every day is my day and I want some say in how I’m going to live it. If getting to that point means reading another inspiring book, then I’m game. If it means having that tough, vulnerable conversation with someone, I want to be game. If it means being honest about my struggles and shortcomings, then I want to be game.

As cliché as it sounds, I want to be better this year than I was last year. In order to do that, I have to take everything 2017 did for me and place it under my feet to step up to what 2018 can do for me. And just like the Lewis quote from above implies, it is precisely what we do with what is behind us that will make all the difference to what’s ahead being so much better.

I hope you do the same.

Happy New Year to you and yours!

Grace + Peace

[17flavors]

Enough!: why I’m tired of apologizing for who I am.

This is going to be my last Wednesday post of 2017.

I’m taking next week off from work and will be focusing my writing on my new book.

But for now, a word of vulnerable honesty to close out the year. I wrote most of this in the notes on my phone as it was fresh and just kind of poured out.

I’m tired of apologizing for who I am.

I’m learning how to discover myself all over again.

And I’m realizing something about myself lately.

I spent a majority of my adolescence opinionated and obnoxious about those opinions. I was a vegan animal rights activist. A straight edge hardcore kid. I was political. I’ve always been the kind of person that if I’m going to believe in something, if I’m going to give myself to something, I want to know everything about it. I want to know the ins and outs of why I believe what I’m believing. For example, one day when I was going door-to-door handing out flyers raising awareness about animal testing, I came to the door of someone whose job it was to actually do the animal testing. We spent the next 2 hours dialoguing the issue until I eventually pinned him in the corner of his own argument and he gave in, handing me back the flyer, telling me, “You’ve done your research and definitely made me consider some things I never thought of before”. My mother always told me I should’ve been a lawyer!

I’ve discovered recently that something in me died a long time ago. Maybe it didn’t die, but it’s certainly been thoroughly buried. Through all the turmoil and tumultuous life choices, something good was sacrificed along the way. It was my ability to stand out, speak up confidently and be myself, regardless of what other people felt about my opinions. I mean, to the extent that I used to wear punk and hardcore patches all over my shorts. I wore handmade chains and bracelets and spiked my hair. I wore my beliefs like bumper stickers on my body (I literally remember wearing bumper stickers on my shorts). I realize there’s an aspect of that that’s adolescence in nature and I’ve grown naturally from some of that but the physical uniqueness and outspokenness isn’t what I’m talking about. I sincerely don’t want to wear patches all over my clothes now. But it’s the heart and motive behind it. I stood by my convictions because I knew why they were my convictions and they were a part of who I was and who I was wasn’t something to hide yet.

Now I know this may not sound 100% honest to anyone who knows me because I may still be known as an opinionated person. Truth is though, I’ve only just recently felt like pushing through that ceiling of insecurity and sheepishness.

If you asked anyone that knew me in high school they’d tell you I was the loud mouth opinionated kid who loved to argue. And I still do to an extent. And I don’t want to apologize for that anymore. There have been times, yes, that I arrogantly started a fight because I knew it was an easy kill. This is going back even as recently as 8 months ago. But I know now how irrelevant and unnecessary that all is. There’s nothing gained by arguing and persuading someone to join my team on something elementary like that. Being at peace is more important to me today than being right.

And it isn’t just speaking out on an opinion either. It’s the whole way I carry myself with this weight of incredible insecurity and weariness, worried if people like me and wonder what about me they may not like. Once you’ve experienced deep rejection, you’re traumatized by it. It’s almost like PTSD due to massive rejection. It rewires your outlook on yourself and life. You’re always looking for why you’re being rejected or when you’re going to be rejected in everything you do and say. It’s the new standard.

I want to be who I am again but I want to be that me, today. There were good things about me that got lost along the way and I’m starting to realize it’s actually possible to reclaim some of those things. A lot has happened since childhood and high school. A lot has bubbled up to the surface and caused its fair share of damage. But I’m realizing something these days. I’m realizing there was something good there that doesn’t have to be gone from who I am today. There’s something good that’s been absent that I may actually need for today.

It’s not like there isn’t a reason for quitting myself like that. There’s been some real discouragement when it comes to thinking for myself, formulating opinions and sharing those said opinions. Trauma has a funny way of squeezing itself into places you never thought could be corroded. And the funny thing about trauma is you don’t often realize you’re being traumatized at the time until it’s too late and you find out because of the aftereffects and symptoms of something deeper.

Being myself, though, isn’t something that comes automatically. I’ve had to spend hours upon hours really sitting with myself, being honest with myself, and going over the possible consequences of actually allowing myself to come back out into the world. I mean, constantly worrying about that kind of stuff is like going through life holding your breath.

What people value about me isn’t my weight, height, how my hair looks today, what color scheme I’m wearing, or if my shoes are appropriate for the outfit. And likewise, it isn’t what books I’m reading, or what genre of music I’m into lately, or even if I prefer craft beers, PBR or I’m more of a wine guy. It isn’t that I watch football and can talk about it. It’s not that I’m up to date on politics and “Boy, do I hate Trump too!” It’s not any of these external things I’ve spent so much time investing in because I want to formulate a life that resembles what I think will be acceptable for people. A life I’m hoping won’t be rejected again.

What people value about me is what I am to their life, what I add to who they are. All of these external things that I spent the first half of my life (and it still creeps in at times) taking so much time and energy worrying about because I thought they contributed to people liking me. What I’m learning is, who I am, is what people want. Not what I can do for them, offer them, produce for them or become for them. Who I am is enough. As I am.

It’s the little things. Like when someone asks you a question about your parenting style and you answer according to what you think would be agreeable to them and then they give their answer and it’s actually disagreeable to you. And you quietly laugh and shake your head over just one more example of why you can’t just be honest and be real. Why can’t I just be enough? Or, you’re singing in your car and pull up to a red light and stop so no one else will see you. Or, changing the music in the car when others get in because you don’t know what kind of music they like and they may not like what you like. Ugh! There’s always this sense of anxiety and insecurity. It’s exhausting!

It’s like those little idiosyncrasies that you desperately work so hard to keep from other people because you’re afraid they may reject you because of them. Let me take away all the suspense - some of them will reject you - but that’s their shit, not yours. You do you and you’ll be fine.

All these things speak volumes to your true self. There is a real you in there somewhere. This may be the greatest thing I ever write simply because it is what I need to read the most.

I’ve read the articles about the regrets of the dying. At 33 it’s important to me to live consciously of what and who I need to edit from my life now. I want to live in such a way that when I come to my end, what I should have and could have done are kept to a minimal, and I’m left with only gratitude for having lived such a good one with people who actually added to that enjoyment.

There’s no way I’m all the way there, but I will say that I’m more comfortable and aware of myself today than I ever have been before. I’ve had my moment of revelation where I walked to a mirror, covered in tears and stared at myself until I began to laugh. Laughing through the tears, the hurt and pain of not liking who was staring back at me. Trying to hide him so others wouldn’t reject him too even though that’s all I wanted to do. And there I was. It’s always been me. And I laughed and I cried and fell in love all over again. I felt ease and my shoulders dropped and a peace flowed through me. I felt comfortable with me again. I could be me regardless of what you like or don’t like. You’ve got your own life to worry about. But this is me. And I like me. I feel like I’m meeting myself for the first time and it’s a bit overwhelming.

I know that I have purpose and gifting to uplift and help others enjoy themselves and their lives. I know that if I continue down the road of always questioning myself, my motives, and my beliefs according to how I think others will receive it, I’ll never feel comfortable with myself. It may cost something. I mean, it has already. But it seems worth the cost so far. I’m learning that I am my own person. I stand tall (a tall 5’6” to be honest) as a lucky husband, a grateful father, a passionate Chaplain, blogger and encourager, and I’m not sorry for who I am today. I’ve made my fair share of bad choices and mistakes through life, but more importantly I’ve used every single one of them as a stepping stone to being better and getting to where I am today. I am proud and in the beginning stages of crawling out from under the rubble of fear, discouragement and self-doubt.

With all the obstacles and adversities, I made it this far! You think I’m going to stop now? It only ups the ante.

Until next year…

Grace + Peace

[17flavors]

Just Breathe: being worth the change you want

It seems everywhere I go now people are overwhelmed and burned out on life.

Just recently I was facilitating a group and the discussion veered towards being still, life change and happiness. Not only in this group, but it seems this topic has been popping up a lot recently and I’d like to use this week’s post to encourage anyone in that same boat with what I’ve found to help me.

My reason for sharing this is because I know what it’s like to be a prisoner to your own thoughts and moods. I thought that was the price of living and there was nothing I could do about it.

I’ve learned over time that my mind will drift in one of two direction: to the past or to the future. If I’m daydreaming about the past, it isn’t long before embarrassment, shame, guilt and regret of things I’ve done or didn’t do may creep in. If it’s towards the future, I know it won’t be long before anxiety and anticipation for what I need to get done or what’s coming down the line will take over. And before I know it, my present mood has just shifted.

So it became important to me to figure out how to take control of what I’m focusing on and how I allow that to make me feel. What I’ve come to learn is that when I focus in on my breathing, it is virtually impossible to wander back or forward. My breathing is done in the present. This may sound trite and obvious, but try it out. If you sit still, breathe in and out slowly, focusing on the breath going in and out, you won’t be focusing on the past or the future, and you will actually be able to put your present state at peace in the moment regardless of what’s going on around you.

It starts with self-awareness. I spent a lot of years of my life worried what other people thought of me, and while I’m not 100% in the clearing on that, it has lead me to become very self-aware of why I’m doing what I’m doing and figuring out ways to change those habits.

The next big question you need to ask yourself is, “Am I worth changing and being better?”

The questions that I always used to ask those struggling with addiction were, “How bad do you want this?” and, “What are you willing to give up or change for this?”

Your answer to those questions will determine the results you get.

I think more often than not there are things about our lives we wish we could change, but we either don’t know how to change them, we don’t know that we can change them, or we simply don’t believe they can be changed. The problem starts with what you believe about yourself.

I like to consider myself as having lived a lot in the short 33 years I’ve been alive. Currently I have 4 kids, 2 dogs, a beautiful wife, a full time job, a mortgage, a car payment, bills, wonderful friends, and a drive and passion to help others enjoy their life more. All of that with a past of my own addiction, depression, anxiety, self-mutilation, and other various terrible life choices. With all that, it’s imperative to me that I figure out balance, composure, and management. My past doesn’t define me unless I allow it to. My future doesn’t hold me hostage unless I allow it to.

I know the value in that because I spent so many years struggling through being a dad and a husband, a son and a brother, an employee and a friend, all because I didn’t know my self-worth to those things and lived a reactionary life, imprisoned to my thoughts and emotions based on my surroundings. My mood would fluctuate according to the mood of whomever I was around, whatever the moment seemed to offer me, or the memory of something I did or was done to me.

For over a year now I’ve set my alarm for as early as 4:30am. I know that with all that’s going on in my life, I need to set the pace of my day before it sets me. So I wake up, make coffee, put on my headphones, and stretch. Once I sit comfortably in my living room, I spend the next few minutes breathing. Focusing on the breath going in, filling my lungs, and exiting. My chest rising, straightening out my back, exhaling through my mouth. Once I can feel myself enter that state of relaxation and tranquility, I go through everything I’m grateful for in my life. And I don’t just list things off. I actually take time to think of those things and visualize them individually. I don’t want to just say I’m grateful, I want to feel the gratitude and know why I’m grateful. It isn’t long before I’m smiling and feeling excited for the day. Once I’ve reached that part, I will usually put something inspiring on to listen to while I do dishes and tidy up the house before everyone else wakes up.

The reason I share this with you is because I have seen tangible changes in my mood, thought-life, behaviors and decision making. This isn’t something I leave only for early mornings either anymore, this is something I’ll pause midday to do in one way or another, in various settings and situations. I do this because the quality of my decisions, thoughts and mood are important to me and those around me.

And maybe this particular exercise isn’t for you. I don’t share this so you can replicate it. This is what I’ve found works for me, sets me on a worthwhile pace. For you, it may be jogging, going to the gym, painting or writing in a journal. The point isn’t necessarily what you’re doing but that you’re intentionally choosing to work on you before you empty yourself to the rest of your day.

I know me, and I know what I need. I know that in certain situations if I’m not intentionally aware of how I’m reacting to things, the situation will run rampant with my emotions. For example, if I’m not conscious that my blood is starting to boil under the surface because my kids are running around and screaming, the dogs are barking, my wife is asking me why I didn’t change out the trash yet even after she asked me twice, and I just remembered that I never sent that email making sure the food was ordered for that meeting that I scheduled for tomorrow, I will allow it to get the best of me, and everyone around me will suffer because of that.

But on the other hand, if, in the same situation, I can quiet my surroundings by focusing in on my breathing going in and going out, I will begin to feel that blood pressure calm and will actually be able to peacefully call my children over to remind them to shut up or go scream in their rooms. I will be able to politely apologize to my wife, without becoming defensive and aggressive back to her, for not doing it when she asked even though I know if I don’t I always forget. And I know I’ll be able to realize that email, whether sent now or in 5 minutes won’t really make a big difference. Unfortunately, I don’t have a remedy for the dogs.

It is up to me to determine how I’m going to allow my circumstances to affect me.

I can think of countless excuses why I shouldn’t wake up extra early in the morning. One of them being extra sleep. But I’ve also come to realize how necessary those early mornings are to the quality of the rest of my day. Why wouldn’t I want to choose to set the pace of my day?

I want my daily life to be more enjoyable. Why wouldn’t I do everything I can to try and learn how? To glean from unlikely sources what they do or what they’ve learned along the way. To seek out advice and tips and strategies for living better. Some of what you come across will be crap. But other stuff might be just what you need to make that next step.

My life is worth it, and it’s worth it to me that my wife, my kids, my family, the people that I work with and serve, and my friends, all get the best version of me I can be. That doesn’t happen overnight, unfortunately. It takes ambition, time, and discipline, but it’s always more than worth it once you start seeing the changes in your mood, thinking, decision and behavior.

Your life is worth it too! What do you want to change?

Grace + Peace