antonymcopeland-blog

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Get off Tumblr. You should be writing

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Just Practising?

Practise makes perfect right? I know I’m a long way from perfect. I’ve got a lot to do before I’m close. I’ve made a lot of mistakes along the way and I’ve ended up, at age 38, living with my parents again.

It would be easy to look back on my life and see stream of disappointments, setbacks and failures. In fact I sometimes do. It can be really depressing to look at it that way, so I try to see each setback, obstacle and loss as an invaluable and helpful experience. I’ve not failed, just found another way that doesn’t work.

However, when it comes to relationships, it seems disrespectful to trivialise the joys and frustrations of a failed relationship by simply treating it like a learning opportunity moving on. I’m aware that part of the reason that I generally suck at relationships is that I put way too much pressure on myself to not fuck up.

It’s occured to me, not for the first time, that I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to romantic relationships. Especially since I’ve been trying to be more self-considerate. I tend to flip from thinking “she could be the one, don’t fuck this up” to “don’t let people walk all over you, be yourself”! It’s a war, and whoever I’m with at the time tends to get caught in the middle and gets very confused.

I’m wondering if there’s anyone else out there that has a similar difficulty figuring out how balance being yourself with also being what your partner needs you to be? Has anyone else had so many failed relationships now that they go in not expecting it to last, but still trying to get it ‘right’ just in case?

I think it might be fairer, on all parties concerned, if I acknowledge that my relationship game needs work, but I’m trying, and I need more practise. Not only will it put less pressure on me, or my partner, to be perfect, but I think there will be fewer hard feelings when the relationship ends. Hopefully the reason it will end is because one or both of us will have found someone they are ready to have a real relationship with, instead of just a practise one.

It doesn’t help that either that I tend to sabotage real relationships. I tend to push people away when they get too close. This is partly because I still don’t feel like I’m good enough to compensate for my flaws. If it’s just practising though, if both parties acknowledge that we don’t really know what we’re doing, we’re just trying our best, I may not get so worried about disappointing them that I deliberately fuck up. 

For those that are wondering why I would deliberately sabotage a relationship if I’m worried about ruining everything, it’s about control. If I’m trying my best and it’s still not good enough, then I’m completely at their mercy. I have to beg for forgiveness and try harder, and feel really shitty about myself for disappointing my partner. If I deliberately fuck up, then I’m in control of the situation. The relationship failed because of something I chose to do. It’s really dumb.

I’m hoping that tendency to self-sabotage will stop if I don’t put so much pressure on myself to avoid upsetting my partner in the first place. If we both know that we’re only practicing, I think we can both me more forgiving, and take feedback a lot less personally.

I do want feedback. I can’t get better at anything without knowing what I could do better, preferable with suggestions on how, exactly, I can get better. It can feel so personal in a real relationship when your partner messes up. The words ‘if you really loved me you would know better’ can get thrown around because it can feel so emotionally painful at times, that you just want to hurt them too. If you’re just practising, though, the sentiment doesn’t really apply. 

What do you think? Would you feel less pressured if you went into a relationship knowing it was just a practise relationship? Or would the fact that you were with someone just to practise being in a real relationship damage both parties self-esteem?

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The End

At the moment it feels like there's a war coming. In some parts of the world, polio and smallpox seem to be making a comeback. On top of that bees are dying out, potentially causing fewer vegetables and grazing plants to be pollinated. And a growing number of people seem to want to end their lives. 

I'm not religious at all, but that sounds like the four horsemen to me. I don't even consider myself suicidal at the moment, but there's a part of me that feels relieved. I used to believe, when I was a kid. I went to Church every Sunday, and sang in the choir. I've since become cynical of the Church's true motivation. That's a rant for another time.

If the end is coming, which my inner cynic doubts, then we'll finally know. Will Jesus return leading the angels in holy war against death and ll the demons of hell? Will we get Ragnarok instead? Will the Aesir and Vanir fight against Loki, his children, and all the giants? 

Maybe we still won't know! The worthy will ascend, and we won't know if it's the Lord God Almighty or the Allfather Odin unless we're chosen. Even then would what if Valhalla just looks like Heaven to someone that believes that's where they're going?

It might not be either of those places, or all the afterlife beliefs at once. Too much for us to perceive anything more than an aspect of it. I hope there would still be some way to be aware of that, so we know. Otherwise we'd still be arguing with each other about where we are.

Would there still be some people holding on to their narrow perspective of spirituality? Refusing to believe that the afterlife is anything besides what they believe it is, and accusing anyone or anything that tells them different of being devils? Will they end up the underworld?

The thing that really fascinates me about end-of-the-world beliefs is the survivors. In armaggeddon, the worthy go the heaven, the sinners go to hell, and the meek (those who have done nothing of significance) inherit the earth.In Ragnarok too, there are survivors. 

That implies that there will still be something after 'the end', and I don't think it will be a zombie-filled wasteland. Not unless the 'zombies' are just people too meek to care, driven only by apathy. I don't expect to be there to find out.

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Consent is the Key

I believe that you CAN be anything you want to be. When people argue against this they’ll usually point out something like, ‘You can’t be the President of the United States unless you’re a natural born American Citizen’. That’s true for now, but a) I don’t WANT to be the President of America, and b) I bet that if I did really want to be the President of America I could find a way around the citizenship issue.

If you really WANT something, you CAN find a way to it. At this point somebody usually says ‘You can’t fly’. True, but I can be flown to places in a plane, or I could learn to fly a plane, or a hang-glider, or go sky-diving if I wanted to.

Then someone will say, ‘you can’t kill someone’. Yes, you can. People kill each other quite a lot. They’re fairly adept at it. What you really mean is that kill someone is illegal, and it’s ethically/ morally wrong.

Personally, I think that if someone wants to die, and someone else wants to kill someone, why not let them? Providing it’s consensual, what’s the issue? If you are concerned with legality, why not draw up a contract stating that the party that wishes to be killed wants no charges pressed against the party doing the killing. Have both parties sign it and have two witnesses sign it also. 

If someone really wants to die, despite various treatments, therapies, and pep-talks, then shouldn’t they be allowed to choose the manner of their passing? As for people that want to kill, if that urge is suppressed, they might end up killing someone that doesn’t consent to it, so why not let them kill in a controlled and consensual fashion?

It’s not just assisted suicide either. It’s everything. I believe everything should be permitted as long as there’s consent. If it’s not consensual, it’s a crime. Theft, for example. Almost everyone gets the urge to steal from time to time. What if there was a section of the store full of items that you could just take without paying for, and the store would encourage you to do so? These would most likely be promotional marketing items, like t-shirts that say ‘I stole this from Debbie’s Fashion’. Employees might still stop you at the door to check your bag, but if it’s from the ‘Five-finger discount’ section, they let you go.

A lot of theft and fraud already takes place with consent. When you sign those terms and conditions that you don’t bother to read, you’re agreeing to let that organisation rip you off. I think, in the spirit of informed consent, that all contracts, terms & conditions, privacy agreements, etc. should be much more clearly written. Anything less appears to be an attempt to get someone to comply with demands without fully informed consent, which is the legal equivalent of painting ‘free candy’ on the side of your windowless van.

Obviously, some people are going to object to this. Especially if you’ve already extrapolated that if everything is permissible with consent, that also means that several activities that are considered abusive would also be permissible providing that all parties concerned have given their full consent, and are able to retract that consent at any time. 

For a long time, I would beat myself up for having wants and desires that I believed were sexist, misogynistic, abusive, or just plain wrong. As it turns out there are some people that want to be treated this way, providing they have given their consent. Which has been immensely cathartic and a lot of fun. 

You can do whatever you want, as long as there’s informed, retractable consent. Even if you think it’s wrong, somebody out there might let you do it. Want to call someone a slut? Someone will be into that. Want to pick a fight with someone? Cool, find someone that wants to be fought. Want to burn something? Find someone that has garden waste to burn. 

What would you like to try if you found someone that would consent to it? Would you consent to any of the things that people have suggested? Fair warning to those that just come up with the most heinous filthy and objectionable thing you can think of. Someone else might be into that!

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You have to put the work in

This heat is ridiculous.

I have time to get some writing done, and every project seems like a chore. If I keep putting off my work, it’ll never get done.

I still went and did my odd-job for the day, helping a client clear weeds from a field. I strimmed the field last week, and this time I was raking the dead weeds up. Raking doesn’t sound like hard work, but in this heat I was soon exhausted. I had to work for only an hour instead of my usual two.

However, having exerted a little bit of physical effort, I now feel more able to write. Admittedly it’s not any of the projects I should be working on, but at least it’s writing!

Maybe after I’ve finishing typing up these thoughts, I’ll feel like working on something else.

Maybe.

I’ve hit a bit of a wall with the audioplay I’ve been commissioned for. I don’t know haw graphic the client wants me to go. I could start writing the next scene and go back to the death scene once the client has given me feedback.

However, I could also use the time to rewrite the next part of ‘The Haunted Story’. The reviews I’ve gotten have been largely positive and the readers really want to know what happens next. I should really release the next part before they lose interest entirely.

Then there’s also an idea that a friend and I had had. A story based on real life that also happens to fit several popular tropes in the current market. It should be a lot of fun to write, as well as have the potential to sell like hot cakes.

And I also run two RP groups on facebook, and today’s the day I usually tell the Sci-Fi RP players what happens next.

Lots to do. No time to waste. Here I go.

Maybe I’ll go get a snack first.

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New Plan!

Put a pin in the 'premium RP group' for now until I have an audience that might be eager to pay to play an RP run by me. Until then I'm going to keep writing 'The Haunted Story' series, but with one slight change to my original concept. Instead of writing novels, I'm going to continue the precedent set by 'The Haunted Story: Dead Letter' and make each story in the series a 'quick read'! 

I'll have to revise the draft I've written, and build the suspense, but I'm sure I already have enough to release a 'quick read' sequel. I'm thinking that there'll be at least one new death in each short story 'episode'. Maybe I'll have each one subtitled with the role of the next victim. In which case, this next story will be called 'The Haunted Story: The Super'.

I'll let you all know when it's available on Amazon!

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My Dad wants to die

My Dad has been fighting depression for as long as I’ve known him, and the only thing that seems to keep him going is the same thing that makes him want to just give up and leave this world forever. His overwhelming sense of responsibility.

I can see why he feels so trapped by it all, and I empathise. At present my parents, myself, my sister and her two children all live under the same roof. A roof that comes with Dad’s job. He’s a vicar (that’s a Priest in the Anglican Christian Church btw) and area dean for ten churches in the area. He’s responsible for so many because the church in wales can’t afford to hire more vicars, because only a few people go to each church and the collection plates are the only way that the church makes money.

My Mum doesn’t work, except for making a little bit of money as a homeopath. She has very few clients and spends most of the time that she could be using to promote her business and build her client base helping Dad run the Sunday school and helping to keep Dad organised. My sister works and will soon be moving out, which will make things a little easier, but I’m still struggling to make enough money to afford my own place.

I want to help him. I can’t do that by teaching him any of the tricks I’ve learned to help me cope. I’ve tried. He’s certain that none of it will help. I respect his choice to end his life if he wants, to just give up, but he can’t do that while he still has to provide for all of us. 

I want to make more money. I have to make more money so that Dad is free to retire, or minister the way he wants to without the burden of limitations, or to give up on life entirely and die knowing that everyone will be taken care of. 

It’s an odd reason to want to be rich, I know. It’s an even stranger reason to decide to live. It really is my primary mission in life right now. To live and take on the burden of responsibility, so that someone I love can die. 

I’ll need to make sure my mother has a place to live and enough money to live well. I’ll need to be able to bail my sister out and supplement my nieces education if necessary. I also need to take care of myself so that I don’t fall into my Dad’s trap, and end up sacrificing everything for the people I love, leaving no pleasure or freedom left for myself.

When all of that is in place, Dad can choose, and he might even decide that he likes his life when there’s no-one depending on him. Or he may sigh with relief and go to sleep with the gas on. Who knows? All I know right now is that living is making my Dad miserable, and he wants it all to end, and that I want to help him anyway I can.

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I’ve been working on this story-game for quite a while now.

The Story So Far....

The adventure began about seven years ago, though Facebook won’t let me go back that far. I was living in America at the time and I missed my friends in the UK. Before I had left for the states we used to play something we simply called ‘The Game’. It was a hybrid between a fantasy roleplay game, such as Dungeons & Dragons, and a round robin story. This was partly because none of us could afford the rulebooks, dice and playmats, and partly because I always felt that the stats and dice rolls often made the story less immersive, and sometimes downright ridiculous.

The way we played was this: I would set the scene and describe the actions of non-player characters (I was the GM), and the players would each describe the actions and reactions of their characters in turn. We could play this game anywhere. At the park, at the pub, and at whichever house we happened to be at, without any character sheets, notebooks or other equipment. The characters often took unexpected paths, and so it was easier to make it all us as I went than trying to create any specific questlines or campaigns in advance. As long as the group of us were all together, we could play ‘the game’.

I missed these random silly fantasy adventures, so after several attempts to find a host forum that would allow me to set things up the way I liked, I launched ‘The City Of Gate’ as a Facebook Group. Just like ‘The Game’, I set the scene and describe the actions of non-player characters (NPCs), but this time I post once per week. The players then each have the whole week to respond, in character, in the comments.

We don’t have much in the way of rules. For the most part it just has to make sense to the story and you character. If your character tries to do something that would seem out of character, then it won’t work. For example, a half-orc barbarian isn’t going to be able to pick a lot unless he’s actually learned some thievery skills. A gnomish thief would have very little trouble picking the lock, but would likely break his shoulder if he tried to smash it down. 

Your character can be as powerful as you like, though I’d prefer to see you make a character with a lot of potential, and see how it develops in the game. If you do make a powerful character, you will find that your character faces greater obstacles than the other, weaker player characters. As the GM I have the final say on whether of not an opponent is defeated, not you. Don’t come into the game expecting to be able to vanquish every enemy with ease. It’s not going to happen.

I also only allow one character per player. It just gets messy otherwise. Your character can still have pets, mounts, followers, etc if you want, but they’re non-player characters. You’re entitled to think these rules are unfair, you also don’t have to play. ;)

The original setting for ‘The City of Gate’ was fairly simple. A mountain range marked the border between Skelbany and a country called H’Vannah, that is said to be a paradise. The people are happy, healthy and kind to one another, and lead fulfilling lives. 

The only way to get to H’vannah is through a pass in the mountains blocked by a fortified gate. The guards at the gate, the legendary knights of H’vannah, will only allow one person through the gate each day, and they make their choice very carefully. The majority of people, most of whom have travelled from all over Skelbany for a chance to live a happy life, are turned away.

Having nowhere else to go, many chose to camp out on the doorstep of the Gate and try their luck again the next day. Particularly if they never got to the front of the line. It didn’t take long before there was houses being erected, and traders were setting up shop to tend to the needs of the hopeful travelers that were still coming everyday to line up at the gate. 

Before long it was a thriving independent city, and people still came from all over Skelbany and beyond to try their luck, until an evil plot resulted in the City’s destruction, the return of long banished dragons, and ultimately the annexation of the City of Gate by the forces of H’vannah.

The Gate now stands between the newly rebuilt City of Gate, and the rest of Skelbany, the mages of the nearby Magic Academy are now firmly under H’Vannah’s control, and dragons continue to plague the country. Soon word will spread that the City has been rebuilt, and travelers will come once again to petition the guards to be let through, desperate for a safe haven from the Dragons and the protection of H’vannah!

If you would like to participate in the ongoing story, come find us here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/CityofGate/

I was also considering running a parallel game here on Tumblr. I will create new posts in this blog about what’s happening in the game on Facebook regardless, but if enough people decided they would like to create characters for the Tumblr version, it would be quite fun to run a version of the game here two, and perhaps have the characters here crossover as NPCs in the the Facebook game (and vice versa).

Keep following this blog for updates :)

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My current head noise!

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Someone remind me to actually do this

ATTENTION WRITERS

Google BetaBooks. Do it now. It’s the best damn thing EVER.

You just upload your manuscript, write out some questions for your beta readers to answer in each chapter, and invite readers to check out your book!

It’s SO easy!

You can even track your readers! It tells you when they last read, and what chapter they read!

Your beta readers can even highlight and react to the text!!!

There’s also this thing where you can search the website for available readers best suited for YOUR book!

Seriously guys, BetaBooks is the most useful website in the whole world when it comes to beta reading, and… IT’S FREE.

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Torn

I'm not sure what to do.

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I’m having fun playing with some miniature designs for my rpg ‘The City of Gate’, and decided to make a mini-me!

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I had someone this morning tell me that I write like a scientist, with not enough emotion and vulnerability. This pissed me off a little. Do you think I write like a scientist? 

You should also check the main article for the minis I’ve designed for my RP group. I think they’re fun.

In either case I’d appreciate your feedback :)

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Re-blog if you're accepting anonymous asks from anyone about anything

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I love this thread!!

Medieval castle stairs were often built to ascend in narrow, clockwise spirals so right-handed castle defenders could use their swords more easily. This design put those on the way up at a disadvantage (unless they were left-handed). The steps were also uneven to give defenders the advantage of anticipating each step’s size while attackers tripped over them. Source Source 2 Source 3

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The Writing Game

I’ve been trying to make a sustainable career out of writing for a few years now. No luck so far. It’s not as easy as you might think. 

You’ll see lots of struggling writers asking for help to gain recognition and sales, and the usual response seems to be a condescending ‘write something worth reading’. 

I’m told my writing is good by those who have read it, but most of the people in my social circles are also struggling. Many of those online are writers too. So I need to expand my audience to find more people that both like my work and are willing/able to become patrons.

My previous plan had been to blog on Wordpress and share on Facebook, but it hasn’t borne much fruit. I had another author recommend Reddit, but I haven’t been able to figure that out how to reach a larger audience with Reddit either.

However, I hadn’t really given Tumblr a decent shot until now. I’m been told it’s a great way to build an audience, but I was under the impression it was mostly erotica and fan-fiction. I’m willing to be wrong though.

The story I’m working on right now is a ghost story with crime investigation elements. If that appeals to you, then please check my other posts for ‘The Haunted Story’. If you like what you read, please share it around and ask me about my Patreon page.

If any of you have any suggestions I’d appreciate it. At the moment my main source of income it actually doing odd jobs for people in the community, which is nice, but it’s hardly a career. I only make about £100 a week if the weather holds up and I have five clients a week. Not enough to rent my own place (I’m living with my parents at the moment, which is a little embarrassing at 38).

I could do freelance work, but I’d much rather work on my own stories, and my rp games. Seriously, if I could find a way to monetise the rp games I run on Facebook, I would be delighted. I currently have two games I’m running. One is fantasy based and the other is sci-fi. Basically I do all the world-building, and the members each control a character and role-play their way through the plot together. It’s fun.

If you like that sort of thing please look up ‘The City of Gate’ and ‘The N-Viron Network’ on Facebook. Perhaps I should also write posts about them both here? Now I think of it that seems like a great idea. I still have no idea how it’s going to help me regain my independence, but it will be fun, and further demonstrate my talent for story writing.

I dislike not having the money to live the life I want. That may sound bratty, but iI intend to have enough money to support my loved ones. My girlfriend, my parents, my sister and her children. Step one is having enough money to afford groceries and a place to rent. 

Most people tell me that building a successful writing career takes two to three years. I really don’t want to wait that long. I’d at least like to see some progress. I would be very grateful if you help me build my audience. Follow me, read and share my fiction, and suggest ways I can reach more people, please.

Thank you. :)