aphrodites-serenade - Tumblr blog

[aphrodites-serenade]

Call it a sin if you'd like

In a room whose walls are decorated with painted flowers,

Lies two girls, in their own stage of blooming, on a queen-sized bed

The scent of vanilla and honey is overwhelming if you step inside

Enough to make an adult feel sick

The girl with longer hair keeps her eyes closed, not knowing if she's doing it right

Not if what she's doing is right

But the girl with shorter hair breaks the kiss too quickly

“You don't like it?” asks the other

“I do…” she replies

“Then, can we..?”

She mimics what’s she’s seen on TV, except she’s never imagined doing it with a boy

Outside, they'll be what they're told to be

But inside, in the comfort of a pretend home,

No one can tell them that they’re too young to know

They can live freely, away from disgusted eyes and mouths that scream this is unclean

What's pure love anyways?

If not two girls, leaving sweet promises on each other's skin?

[aphrodites-serenade]

Disease

I look at childhood pictures of me and parents fondly

Knowing that I will view them differently years later

I mourn for the girl in the picture, knowing that she's what her parents taught her to hate

A fictional character is received with loving arms by their parents

And I hold back my tears poisoned with jealousy

A hand that is warm and inviting

Will point to the exit when I reveal myself to be different

I shouldn't be here, eating dinner and laughing with them

My dad brings up the same kind of people each time

Insults and curses leave his mouth as his teeth tear through his food

My mother agrees and laments about the time when the world was good,

When people were normal

I have learned to listen quietly, so that my tongue may not betray me

So when the church celebrates the Binding of Isaac, I remember to bite down

He tells us that life is not about what we want, it's what God wants

My parents eyes are glued onto the pastor and I feel a knife stab my chest

The pain would lessen if I weren't so close to them

But when I come back from school, they smile

They embrace me in their arms and I pray that this is not the last time

[aphrodites-serenade]

Look at me.. not for too long

Her eyes are the most beautiful gems on this earth

She's loved by the moon and sun, with the way they glow and shine in any light

They dart all over the place, not able to stay on one thing for too time

Look at this... Oh no, look at this

She's a spark of joy, but the light becomes dimmer the farther her figure walks away from me

A dreadful thought overcomes me,

I'm fading into the background, into one of the many normalities in her life

My body moves faster than my mind, and once again, I'm near

I have to hold onto her, make sure she doesn't forget me

She swings around abruptly, her locks falling into place as she searches for the reason of this sudden action in my eyes

There's heat rising to my cheeks, I must surely seem pathetic and ridiculous

I wanted her to look at me, and yet…

I look at my feet before she notices any signs of fear that have overtaken my body

Her eyes are still on me, looking at these imperfections, all of them

I'm a child again, apologizing to my parents for being so needy

It's her touch that now makes me search in her eyes

Her fingers draw circles into my skin, dotted with blemishes

They trace my cracked lips and overgrown brows

The longer she touches me, the more I barrage myself for not hiding my dark eye bags, for letting my face get round, for not taming my hair

The thought that she would stop loving me because of all this makes me want to sob

Don't look at me any longer, please

Comfort envelopes me as her lips press against mine

It's her softness that makes me forget what I was even saying

I've never felt so beautiful as when I am with her

[aphrodites-serenade]

Books and pens

Humanity's greatest gift to the world were books and pens

I want to partake and contribute to it as much as I can

My dedication to my craft goes beyond crumpled manuscripts and scanning hundreds of pages

It's a passion that keeps me up at night and glued to my screen to watch a tale unfold before me

Even when I rest, I get a sudden surge of inspiration

It makes me jump out of bed and frantically search for a pen, fearing that the thoughts will leave my head

If others express love with words, I show love with a pen

I love people too much to let them go, so I immortalized them in the pages of books

It can seem tiring to some people, flipping pages, and not being able to understand a single word

Or the countless times I've spent hours pulling together a single page

And yet, if I had more time in the world

I would spend it the exact same way

[aphrodites-serenade]

Bystander

Last year, there was a senior who caught my eye

A tall girl with bleached ends and painted dark lips

Thin brows but thick eyeliner

An expression that teased hundreds of secrets

Talked about wanting nails but always chewed on the ones she had

Laughed a lot with the girl seated next to her and rarely smiled at anyone else

I never knew more than her name and the face of her boyfriend

I wondered why out of the many boys, she'd chose one who looks like any other plain boy

A boy with no real power but lets you know that if he did, you'd never see the light of day again

A boy that cares nothing for the feeling of a girl, only what he can take from her

A boy whose first reflex when he gets you away from your friends is to slap you

I sat in my parents' car, watching and asking myself over and over again

Why, beautiful girl, did you choose him?

Even I know I wouldn't deserve you

But did you not think you could do better?

Were you taught to be quiet, too?

I should've asked at some point

After graduation, I never saw her again

But in my mind, she's walking in a field of flowers,

She's smiling and laughing with that friend who, like me, always watched from the sidelines…

[aphrodites-serenade]

Men and what doesn't belong to them

The price tag is at $30, too overpriced for a simple doll

The sky is pitch black by the time I leave the mall, my hands empty-handed and freezing

A breeze of air sends strands of hair onto my face

A buzz emerges from my back pocket

Where are you?

I turn off the screen, I can't be seen distracted, especially at night

It's like my mom's warnings are screeching against my ear

She tells me of men who hide in dark alleyways, biting like dogs at woman's feet

She reminds me of how my cousin was dragged by one of those dogs, how her eyes don't glow like they used to

She walked too much like a woman, that's why they caught her, she tells me

Because they can't blame her for her baggy clothing

But how do I tell her that my father is like those men?

Pulling her wherever he pleases, dressing her how he sees fit

It's as if the wedding certificate, buried inside a memory box, is the same thing as the receipt that's pushed by the wind

I walk briskly under the street lights, my heart beats loudly every time a car slows down

Even if I'm in the middle of a crowd, it'll only give me the illusion of safety

I wonder if my friend felt helpless, as my 4th grade teacher hugged her tightly, knowing everyone's eyes were on her

I heard of a story on the radio with my grandma once, of a woman who was sold as a child to a much older man

She sighed. Thank God, we aren't in that wretched country anymore.

I couldn't find it in me to tell her that this happens everywhere, even in the safety of a “first world country”

I look at his message one last time, knowing I'll never see his picture again

If you don't answer this time, I swear I'll ki—

I should have known that he was like every man, poor, rich, old, and young, with what doesn't belong to him

[aphrodites-serenade]

Conversations with her

There's this girl that I love to listen to for hours

She perks up as soon as I present her a question

I love the way her eyes light up, how they urge me to come closer

Her lips move rapidly and I don't dare interrupt her

She tucks her hair behind her ear, but she talks so much that it moves forward again

I press my phone against my ear when we talk during odd hours

There's a lot of things she tells me that I don't understand yet

But the way these words come out of her mouth is enough to keep me smiling

I sometimes worry that she finds me boring

One day she'll stop talking and find out that all I do is listen

I simply lose myself so easily to her

I've found that time doesn't matter at all when I'm with her

On the first day she opened up to me, I was shown a new world

I want to stay in it forever, I tell her

And she pulls me in entirely

[aphrodites-serenade]

I can't help it; her name is love

Love is a girl with brown skin and a smile that puts the sun to shame

She's a girl with dark hair and eyes that brings comfort that the night can not

I find myself asking the same question,

How can such a being exist?

I want to worship her, head to toe

She deserves the world, whatever it takes

The gods will hand it over gently, into her hands

It makes me cry, the way she seems so intrigued by everything she comes across

I don't want to be away from her, even in thought

Tell me, what goes on in that mind of yours?

I want to know it all, so please, please, speak more

I hope you never get tired of that, of me and my foolish state

Oh, what would I do if you ever hated me?

The words get lodged in my throat at the sight of her eyes on me

I want to praise her, over and over again

The words spill all over me, and I look at her apologetically

Yet she's still there, smiling as if I'm no bother

Oh, I can't help it; the girl’s name is love

[aphrodites-serenade]

This year for sure.

[aphrodites-serenade]

A picture of my mother

I asked my grandmother how my mother looked when she was young

“She looked just like you,” she said as if she didn't think too hard about the question

But I refused to believe that such an angry and tired woman once looked like me

After rummaging in her room, she handed me a picture frame

It weighed in my hands, and the dust fell upon my jeans

I wished I could've reacted the way any girl my age would've

“Oh she looks pretty.”

“Oh she's so thin."

“Oh she did look like me!”

I couldn't bear to look at her any longer.

She was young, naturally, without those deep lines that run across her forehead and cheeks

She didn't carry a scowl as she usually does.

She made it seem as if she was smiling for you and only you

And she looked she free, with no worry weighing in her mind

My grandmother handed me another picture, and another, and another

I understood then, my mother should've never had children

I can't be sure she was ever happy with me around

I try so hard to have a civil conversation with her and yet we end up cursing each other

I take after my father, who can't choke out the words, “I love you”

The pictures shake in my hands “Grandma… Why did my mother marry?"

She smiled, sadly, without saying anything at all.

I knew better

"Daughters tend to make the same mistakes as their mothers..”

I long for that care free girl in the picture

I'd give up my own life to let my mother turn back from this path

She was so happy.. so so happy

I know I took this away from her and I know I can never give it back

She enters the room quietly, wearing that same damn scowl

I wish I could be anywhere but here with her

[aphrodites-serenade]

Star

Academic validation is something I will never grow out of. When I pull out my hair for not understanding a problem, I realize that I'll always be 10, shamefully explaining to my teacher that I didn't mean to get an answer wrong. In middle school, I was too afraid to ask for help. What if they don't praise me as much anymore? What, then? I think I've lived too long, thinking that the grade on the paper decides my worth. Is there anyone who understands the happiness that comes with receiving an A+, 100%, or rank 1? For most people, smart is an adjective that they throw out. But I keep it close, I won't let it go. It's my identity. I'm my biggest critic, I don't give advice— I tear myself down. But that's a necessary sacrifice, I say to convince my mind. Maybe this is a mistake? I pause to think. Everyone makes mistakes.. well, except for me.

[aphrodites-serenade]

Tragedy

I want our love to be a failed tragedy

Kiss me so harshly that I lose my breath

Embrace me so tightly until you break me from within

Keep staring at me like that and you'll haunt me in my dreams

Why don't we burn together?

You tell me this isn't love

That much I already know

I don't care about being your true love

I want to be consumed by you so that there's nothing left of me

I want to be completely drained, mind and soul

I want to mourn for what we had and the memory of us

Be the one to break my heart, so I may point and say it was you and only you

Oh, break my heart and let me write poems about our failed love

[aphrodites-serenade]

A Tall Child

I often think about how embarrassing it is for me to yearn for something that was never mine. I mean, I'm not a child anymore. I can't remember the last time I felt like a child. The sight of a child holding hands with their parents shouldn't make me feel hollow, but it does. I see parents hug their children tightly and think, if only my parents did that. I look at my mother, apologizing to my youngest brother as she gently pats his back. She says words I was dying to hear as a kid. Why couldn't you do the same for me? I look at the father and daughter sitting at the table across from me, completely absorbed in their conversation. Even though my own father sits next to me, we act as if we're strangers. I hear my classmates talk about wanting to move close to their parents, how they're glad they supported them this far, how they want to repay them someday and— I can't listen anymore. It's impossible to escape this ideal. Happy families are plastered on screens, hugging and kissing their children. It hurts to see toxic families in movies magically forgive each other and start anew, knowing that this opportunity never existed for me. Is it too selfish to want more than what I received? Is it selfish to mourn over what could've been yours, too?

[aphrodites-serenade]

Sin

As I pull away from her, every voice in my head screams at me

But the beating of my heart is too loud, it drowns out every voice

For too long, I thought I was broken

And yet this woman makes me feel whole

Everything I thought was true is crumbling at my feet

I want to be angry at her, I want to loathe her

But how can I when I've bared my heart and soul to her

She pulls me back and says my name

I could swear I saw heaven

“He said this is wrong,” I tell her

She stops and looks at me with eyes that pierce my heart

“The pastor doesn't know anything about love if he thinks this is wrong”

She's my religion, I've decided

I've given more to this woman than I've ever given to the being named God

[aphrodites-serenade]

Female frustration

There is something so irritating about being born a woman. You are everything to a man and, at the same time, nothing at all. I can not take a step without worrying that my dad will hear me and that I should apologize for making noise. I can not step out of the house without worrying about what a man might say. Who told me to care about that? I want to bite my lips so that my blood might paint them. I want to rip my hair apart, to reach and drive out the man inside my head. No, give me a blade. I want to tear off everything that marks me as a woman. To destroy yourself is also a woman's fate. Oh, what fragile bodies we have. They're filled to the brim with rage. I'm angry, my mother is angry, my grandmother too was angry. We're all unable to escape this frustration that has built up over the centuries. And this rage, too, has been in check. How much more can this body take?

[aphrodites-serenade]

Heart strings

She strums the strings of the guitar softly and quickens the pace. She sings a song that's only for the two of us. I know then and there that only she can produce this sweet melody. My head slowly rocks back and forth, back and forth. Looking up from the cords, she catches a glimpse of me and grins. How a person could look so radiant, I'll never know. She encourages me to sing along and patiently waits for me to gather the courage. I'm not as talented or skilled. No, I'm not even a fraction as good as her. But I feel revived, energized, and happy to be alive. I wish moments like these can last forever. For her to hold my heart as firmly as she holds that guitar. Her fingers are pulling on my heartstrings. It's something no one's ever done.

[aphrodites-serenade]

Want

It's something every person does

Yet my heart and mind shame me for it

They tell me no, that it's 'not right'

It doesn't stop me from yearning to feel her beneath my fingers

My desires quickly overwhelm me

I can't help but wish and wish and wish

The more time that passes, the longer I go without her

It hurts knowing she'll never be mine

"Let her go. You can have anything else,” They urge

You don't understand, I respond

She's the whole world to me

And still, she rejects me

She does not belong to me, I know

But don't you think the Gods felt the same way about the Earth?

When they gazed upon its forever stretching green plains

Its blue waters, with another whole world inside of it

Its people, overflowing with new ideas abd visions

They stopped at nothing to make it theirs

But you're no God. It's unreasonable to compare her to the Earth, they whisper

I know that… I know!

And I know these things I so badly want will destroy me in the end

And still, I want