bondew

[bondew]

I shouldn’t.

I still want him even though I shouldn’t. Even though he didn’t treat me that well and i cried so hard one night because i thought he would hate me, my eyes stung the next day. I have no tears left for him.

He wasn’t your type so I get why you call him ugly. He’s my type. He still is even after shattering my heart. The fact that it wasn’t even my fault and he just needed space and thought I deserved someone better makes me feel really shitty. I can’t get someone better, I don’t want someone better.

I want him.

I shouldn’t.

But I do.

There were many reasons why I liked him, my first impression wasn’t the only thing behind it. He was funny, supportive, easy to talk to. He laughed at my stupid jokes and cared. He cared about my safety and well being.

He was so sweet, every message sent with a heart lit up my day. But in the end those faded, less and less until he didn’t text me for weeks. That’s when it started. Then in a blink of an eye I knew, I knew I would never see him again.

The cards and notes, the laughs and smiles didn’t mean anything.

I thought we would graduate together, I thought about our fucking wedding outfits.

Would we live in a van like I always dreamed? Doesn’t matter now. Will either of us even live past 15? I don’t know..

I still care about him and feel bad.

I still miss him and wish he could give me a hug.

I still want a goodnight text with a little heart every night.

I shouldn’t.

[bondew]

vent post bc I feel like shit haha

Things are scary.

I’m kind of scared.

Everything is falling apart again. It’s too soon. Things just got good.

I feel like everyone in my family knows I’m gay, I’ve brought it on myself but they still act like I’m straight. Hinting to me casually that they ok with it. This probably sounds like heaven for some, an accepting family but I’m not ready. Things are moving too fast. It’s scary.

He’s stopped texting me, the boy who made me so happy. I’m so worried about him but he won’t talk to me, he doesn’t come to school and when he does he just shares a faint smile. He helped heal me and I wanna do the same for him but can’t. I just want to help. Things are getting bad again. It’s scary.

She might leave me. She can’t. No. Please no. My first best friend already moved schools I can’t have her do the same. But move so far away. I can’t be alone. Everyone’s leaving and I’m just left with no one. Things are changing. It’s scary.

[bondew]

Sun and Moon God

lala hey losers im very bored so enjoy GAY GODSSSSS literally love these lil guys. so guys this is actually how eclipses work.

Aiday sat there quietly, peacefully. The willow tree drooped over him as he gazed through the leaves to see the glowing moon. As it shone down on him, each swirl of a crater started to light up on his skin, it soon becoming a masterpiece. He watched the moon in silence, his fully grey eyes gazing into it, his blue tinged skin reflecting the beautiful light it gives off. The Sun God, Aelius, slowly approached from behind, his gold cape trailing behind him. "Aiday.." The God said as he stood behind the Moon God. "How is it out here?" He had just managed to escape from the ball happening just through the castles decadent doors. Aiday's eyes wondered until they met Aelius's. His markings became dim as his gaze was redirected from the moon. "Peaceful.." He said calmly in response. He sat, leaning agaisnt the willow tree, legs crossed in a serene manner. "I'm glad. You're not joining the festivities inside?" "I do not particularly care for the ball. I believe it is quite pointless." Aiday replied calmly while adjusting his fancy navy blue vest. "I admire your serenity Aiday." Aelius smiled softly as he took a seat beside the Moon God. He stretched his legs out while leaning agaisnt the willow tree. The night was dark, just the glow of the moon and the party's warm lighting from behind. They sat there for a moment. Aiday's skin lighting back up as his gaze locked on his moon. "Now tell me.. do you really prefer to be alone? Your really only ever with yourself." The Sun God gazed up at the moon and then at Aiday. He paused, thinking through his answer. "It's how I was made, but I don't mind.. most other Gods and Goddesses aren't worth the time.. but.." He trailed off, unable to finish his thought. His skin just brightened a little bit as he gazed at Aelius's face. "But..?" The Sun God gazed at Aiday, admiring his beauty as well as questioning his thought. ".. It's nothing" The Moon God did now know how to finish his sentence but it was something he thought he would never admit out loud. His mind wondered as they sat there in silence for a moment. "You know Aelius.. you really are right. Even as an actual celestial body I'm always alone in my orbit. I'm either just sitting there by myself or I'm sitting there with hundreds of versions of myself." He sighed. "I suppose it's quite sad.. but then again, I don't even get an orbit. Everyone orbits me. I would be alone too is it wasn't for everyone else." Aelius softly smiled and leaned on Aiday's shoulder. "People call us opposites when we really are kind of similar." "Aelius.. no matter how anyone ever views us, no matter how different we are, we will never be opposites. At first glance when someone sees us they think, 'day and night, opposites'. We can't be opposites, I depend on you shining. I'm quite meaningless while you create life. Your the reason every mortal is still living. I'm just a floating rock that is only glowing because you are there, it wouldn't change anything if there was none of me.. or 5000." Aiday frowned, avoiding eye contact with the powerful Sun God. Aelius cupped Aiday's face gently, redirecting his soft, grey gaze into the amber eyes of his own. Gazing into his cloudy, muggy eyes he frowned. "Aiday.. you are just as important as me.. maybe not in the perception of others but in my eyes.." His watchful eyes softened. "You're the only reason I'm even visible.." The Moon God frowned and looked down. The Sun God quickly lifted his face back up and leaned in, pressing his hot lips agaisnt Aiday's freezing cold ones. Their lips met in a warm harmony as did every other touch they shared, he ran his hand gently up into The Moon God's silky, silvery blue hair. Stroking Aelius's face, creating the same comforting warmth as always, he leaned into the kiss, his crater marks glowing and cheeks turning a vibrant shade of blue.

That night, earth experienced its first ever eclipse. The Sun and Moon together, meeting in a warm harmony.

[bondew]

His eyes, his hair, his smile, his skin.

His eyes are the colour that I see when I wake up.

His hair, the colour I hate on anyone else but love on him.

His smile with a gap makes me wanna marry him, just so I can see it everyday.

His skin, the colour of snow with freckles of tree bark sprinkled through it.

He’s majestic.

He goes quiet, headphones on, no smiles, head on desk.

The quiet scares me, I want to help but can’t.

The headphones block me out, but it’s what he needs so I can’t complain.

The flat face makes my head spiral, a sickening feeling spreading.

The desk engulfs his head, I just see his fluffy ginger hair, I can’t read him.

It’s scary.

[bondew]

Opposites

How is the sun’s opposite the moon, when the moon is way less significant.

My friend once said, “you are like the light, you shine while I’m your shadow.”

I hated it.

She, despite being my opposite was worth so much more than just a shadow,

So explain to me,

how can two opposites be so different in the one way opposites must be similiar?

[bondew]

yo bro silly post but one time when I was younger, like 10-11 I was at the park for my bestfriends little sister birthday party, I think she was turning about 6. Anyway me and my bestfriend where chilling with eachother near the trees, away from all the little kids. At the time I had a short pixie cut and hadn’t had puberty so I was a flat rectangle (I wish I still was lmao).

One little boy walked over and asked me, “are you a boy?”

I replied, “no, I’m a girl”

we went back and forth for a while because he kept telling me I was a boy and I kept saying I was a girl.

Anyway moral of the story: I’m just looking for this kid, please come back to that park and tell me I’m a boy again🙏 bc I wanna hear that again and try and figure out if you are right or not 😭😭

[bondew]

part 2! (please someone help I’m crying rn and have a headache)

purple.

I always say I’m tired. I go to sleep very late, everybody knows that. That’s not why I’m tired though, nobody knows that.

It’s 10:10pm and I’m scrolling on tumblr with my headphones on. There’s playing some Radiohead song, bopping my head along I read posts and I scroll. There’s a pit at the bottom of my stomach, it hurts, my throat is dry, it hurts, my arm is bruised, it hurts. Everything hurts now a days. Isn’t it like that for everyone though?

My bedroom door creaks open and light seeps through, when it’s fully open my room is dimly lit. I stare at my mum will soulless, dead eyes. She doesn’t care to notice just has a little go at me with a comment.

“And you wonder why you’re always tired.”

I nod and remove my headphones, pretending to get ready to sleep. She watches me, making sure I’m actually doing it.

I’m not.

The door slowly closes and I’m alone in the darkness again. A slow song that reminds me of stars twinkling in the night sky is playing. It gradually gets louder and the twinkling gets deeper. It sounds beautiful but gloomy at the same time.

Like the colours purple.

People don’t understand me. People don’t understand that this tired isn’t from lack of sleep, it’s from people. My social battery is so weak that even a 2 second negative interaction will kill me for the following 2 days. And one that lasts and hour? One week at-least.

When I’m up at night, let me be.

I’ve probably just been crying, or screaming about something in my head, or imagining what I should’ve said.

I don’t get people either though. They say they care but don’t take a moment to notice anything. I struggle to tell people things but still, you could at least try? If I tell you something private, don’t brush it off.

Just try to understand.

here is the artwork! it’s so pretty and I am obsessed, I feel so connected to it and I understand the pain even if the way I don’t know if it’s meant to be interpreted. Anyway credits to the original artist you’re work is stunning!

[bondew]

hi! I’ve decided to start a series when whenever I need to vent I’ll look on Pinterest for an art piece that has a character that just by looking at them you can tell they have probably gone through that. Or even that just represents some strong emotions.

Here is my first one, I’ll probably make more parts abt this topic bc I’m really scared right now.

Presenting..

secrets.

I say I have fairly good relationship with my mum. She takes care of me but I’ve never opened up to her. I’ve never really opened up to anyone that much.

I roll out of bed and slam my hand on my alarm clock. I trot downstairs just in my plaid pyjama pants. Sitting down at the breakfast bar I unlock my phone and check for notifications, I smile at one. It’s Addin, he’s sent a good morning text. My mum starts talking and rushing me to get ready. I sit there shirtless, zoning out into my own fantasy.

“Mac. What are you smiling at?” My mum interrupts my thoughts and my face falls flat.

“Nothing.”

“Come on, you don’t tell me anything. We shouldn’t have secrets.”

I close my phone and head to the laundry, ignoring her comment. I grab my uniform and stomp upstairs.

God she doesn’t know anything. It’s not that simple.

I pull on my long slacks but just as I’m about to pull them fully up I glance at my red thighs. They sting a bit. Ignoring it I do up the fly and start to button up my shirt. Throwing on some bracelets and necklaces. I swing my bag onto one shoulder and rush out the door, not saying a word back to my mum.

I finally make my way to school after a long walk. I sit down under a tree and watch everybody walk past. I spot Addin walking towards me, fixing my hair quickly I wave at him.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

We just gaze into each others eyes for a moment. I want to know what he’s thinking. Does he want us to kiss? I want that.

The bell interrupts us and I sprint off to form class to avoid him. As soon as I walk in I get told three things, “tuck in your shirt!”, “fix your tie!”, “hair up!”. All three are very stupid rules that a school, even a private school shouldn’t really care about. It’s part of routine now. I don’t like to break routine.

I sit in the same spot I always do. Hiding my phone under the desk I check the texts from my mum. “Have a good day! Also.. it’s too hard to tell you this in real life so. I know your gay.” I jolt up and coil back. Eyes widening my breathing starts to become uncontrollably fast. Bolting out of the classroom I collapse into a ball, leaning against the wall. Eyes red. Nose runny. Lips quivering.

I hate opening up.

I believe in secrets.

This is the art piece! Credits to the original artist, this is absolutely beautiful. I imagine this guy as a 14 year old going through all this.

[bondew]

Ik this one is short- I'm js tired and annoyed today so-

Cadence Lane.

I'm sitting at my desk, dabbling in some poetry when I hear a knock at the door, "Cadence?" a sweet voices says through the door. "Oh Cadence yes?" I nod and lean on the doorframe, I soon realise it's the school nurse. I stare at her waiting for her to continue, "Right, well.. I'm not going to force with but since the start of the year your lecturer has been observing your behaviour in class and well.. you don't have many friends." I think about slamming the door but pause for some reason, "Yes, and?" "Well.. I'd think it would be good if your come to my little group therapy session? It's not very long, and you might meet new people!" She continues trying to convince me but I intterupt her and just agree so she goes away. Closing my door on her face she slides a little brochure under the slit and calls out goodbye. I go to throw it in the rubbish but just keep it on my desk. I can't resist opening it and checking it out, "Sundays, 1pm, in room E304." I mutter as I read it. "What a load of crap," I try to through it away but I just can't.. "Well shit." I toss it back on my desk and just lie on my bed. Bored out of my mind. I've given up on my stupid poetry.. that was also a load of crap.

Dazz Shawn.

I slowly wake up and realise it's already about 8pm. Grabbing my laptop I start scrolling through university notices, blah blah blah. Something catches my eye though, 'Talk with our school nurse, about any concerns regarding, mental health, sexuality, identity etc.' I scroll down a bit further and impusively click a link, I end up being taken to a booking site and just go ahead and book one without reading any details. I fall back asleep and wake up the next morning to my laptop being flooded with notifications, I've been added to a chat? 'Vent circle?' Shrugging it off I check the time, realising I slept for ages, like until 12pm. I jump out of bed and dig through my drawers to find something to wear for today. I take a couple deep breaths, "Its ok Dazz, its just you and the nurse.. she wont care what you look like!" Suddenly my bestfriend barges through my door, "Did I hear someone or was that just you being a weirdo and talking to yourself?" "Just me being a weirdo-" I hold up a pair of yellow tracksuit pants and a white one, "Which one?" "Hmm… yellow!" He says very energetically, "Oh with a white tank aswell!" I nod and pull out a shirt, he shoves his face into my wall as I get changed. No like I mean literally walks into a wall- I sigh, "Wanna do something?" "Hm.. uno?" I dig in my desk drawer and we both sit down on the floor. As I deal he starts yapping about something. Playing game after game we laugh, yell, argue and laugh again. "THATS NOT A RULE!" "IT SO IS!" "WE HAVE NEVER PLAYED IT LIKE THAT BEFORE!" "WE ALWAYS DO TYLER" "OH MY FUCKING GOD DAZZ-" He gets interuppted by a bang on out door. "Keep it down would you?!" The guy who returned my jacket and who lives next door says with a tone just before walking away. Glancing at my phone I grab it and check the time, "Shit um Tyler I got a thing, can u pack and lock up? Use the spare key, it's on my bed!" I head t0 E304 and as I enter I realise there is around 10 people already inside.. I bravely enter and Nadia, the nurse welcomes me, "Dazz, you came!" I refuse to bring up that I accidently signed up for the group thing. I hold my tan, freckled arms as I sit down on a cushion. I glance around, I dont know anyone here. Struggling to decide if this is good or bad I notice Nadia has a disspointed look on her face, "You alright?" I ask, looking at her concered. "Oh yeah! Just hoping Cadence would come!" I shrug and just pick at my nails waiting to start. Suddenly a figure walks in, its the jacket guy. "Cadence you came!"

Cadence.

"Hmf, I suppose I did." I sit down, I recognize everyone. They all sort of move away from me, so much for making friends. The only person who doesn't is the red headed boy, bug boy. Sitting down on a cushion I stretch out my long legs and straighten my green, white and blue vest.. just noticing now it kind of looks like a pride flag. Nevermind, I'm wearing my pride vest. Shit. "Now why don't we all introduce ourselves?" We all look around and shrug, Nadia points to the girl beside her and asks her. "Oh um- My name is Kaitlin, I'm 24, I study Law, my favourite colour is purple and I'm bi?" We all clap by instinct and the next person goes. It reaches the boy beside me. "My name is.. Dazz, you can call me Dazzy if you want.. or whatever you want.. um I'm 22, I study theater and literature.. My favourite colour is yellow, y pronouns are he/him and I-I'm p-p-pan.." He stutters out. Dazz? Dazyy? I stare at him for a moment.. yeah I guess that name suits him? I soon realize it's my turn. Nadia gestures towards me.. "Right- My name is Cadence. Cade is fine I guess? I'm 23, study law. My favourite colour is black, my pronouns are he/him and I'm gay. Yeah." I just sit there, straight back. Nobody says anything. Then the next person goes. SHIT I JUST CAME OUT-

[bondew]

"Ew girls" "Why did he just assume it was a girl" Boys that isn't very straight of you!!

Cadence Lane.

I'm still very confused on what came over me just before, like that's probably the first time I've aplogised since maybe last year? And I didn't even do anything wrong?! Something is wrong with me. I pull on my jacket and sit down on my bed, my hair has flopped back into it's regular messy state, I scroll though my camera roll for a while. So long that I end looking at pictures of me from early highschool. God I was so weird, I just want to go back in time and warn myself. I stare at one photo for a while, it's of me and my dad. My hair is all long and messy, I have a funny hat on and a wide, real smile. He has the same smile and is gripping my shoulder in a side hug. My screen turns off and I see my reflection in the deep void, my eyes are welling up.. I quickly wipe the tears away and stand up, tossing my phone behind me. Pacing back and forward I struggle to figure out what to do, noticing its already dark out I take off my shirt and then slide my jacket back on, jumping into some black and white checkered pants I grab my cosemetics bag. Heading down the staircase I enter the bathrooms and instantly want to leave. My eyes lock onto the group of boys and make my way to the sink to my right, I'm as far away to them as possible and praying they leave me alone. After brushing my teeth and whiting them I grab some cleanser out of my bag and start to wash my face. The boys start whispering, then their voices get louder. "Faggot! Sissy!" They call across the bathroom, I try to hold back my anger, "Stupid femboy!" Taking subtly deep breaths I flip them off to release a little steam. Continuing I finally finish up and shove all my stuff away. They keep going, even though I'm about to leave. God I wish I could just punch them all right now. I go to grab the door handle but someone from the other side turns it first. The room goes silent as that red-head boy from before enters. I Look back at the group who are all now smiling like their innocent. "I heard some comotion in here? Is everything ok?" I hear a concerned bubbly voice say, the boys all make up some random excuse and move on with it. Why is that guy friends with them, they seem so different? And why does he keep appearing? I try not to think about anything when I get back to my room, I just sit on the bed, open my laptop and scroll.

Dazz Shawn.

Half of my friends have left my the time I've finished brushing my teeth. I mess around a bit with my orange hair before getting pulled to leave by my group, we all head outside and sit on the field. Their aren't many stars in the sky having been in a city but its still quite nice. We all chuck our toiletries on the floor and then we just run. Not like drills or anything just for fun, no one's really said a word. I mean thats how it normally is, this is just ruitine. Honestly it's the highlight of my day, I actually smile, I have fun with my friends, I'm free. It's nice. Not having to worry, not having to care what anyone thinks. I fall onto my back into a patch of long-ish grass and everyone joins me. "I love you guys." I say, sure my friends can be a bit mean at times. But.. well they don't know this but they are the reason I'm still here, if it wasn't for them just existing. Well how do I put this.. I wouldn't exist anymore? We are all just smiling, I've forgotten everything about today. This is what university life is. We slowly all head back to out own dorms, I walk back alone. Just relaxing, still smiling.

Cadence Lane.

I slowly wake up and glance at my phone, realising its 10am I jolt to my feet. As I realise it's saturday I fall back down. My laptop has been knocked to the floor, I plug it in and proceed to make my bed. Brushing my hair I slide on some regular pants and sit back down. Scratching my chest I check my notifications, there's none. I start to scroll through my socials when the regular saturday morning chatter arrives. As I run my fingers through my hair I step outside to realise how many people there actually is, girls and boys are all gathered in circles, leaning on walls, just chatting away. "Can you all just shut up?! Its saturday morning for fucks sake!" I say with a tone, so it will reach above the chatter. Everyone goes silent, with just a couple whispers. I grab my toothbrush and toothpaste and shove past the croud to get to the bathroom. I hate to admit it but I hear girls swoon. Ew girls. I quickly finish up and then stomp back to my room, I just know today is going to suck. The hallway has actually gotten quieter, surprisingly. Guess I just have yell at people to get my way, I can deal with that. I make my way down to the kitchen and grab my ingredients from the fridge, checking no one has taken any I start cooking. Reheating my rice in the microwave, I top it with a fried egg, scallions, soy sauce and some leftover meat. "Mmm! That smells great!" A voice gets closer, he peers over my shoulder. I take a quick glance at his face, why does he just appear?! "Um yes.." I reply, a bit awkward. Shit shit, what is happening to me. My voice is softer than before, a bit calmer. I sit down at the table, trying to get out of the conversation. Thankfully he gets the message and gives up on talking to me, I break up the egg and start to eat my breakfast. "Wait- didn't you just come out of the bathroom and brush your teeth?" The voice appears again and sits down infront of me. "Um yes?" "Who brushes their teeth before breakfast?!" "Well it's better for your anamal over time." I go back to my cold stare, the guy shrugs and starts to eat cereal while sitting with me. It's insanely awkward but.. oh well, he'll probably just appear again if I leave.

Dazz Shawn.

SHITTT WHAT AM I DOING?! Why am I sitting with a total stranger, why am I talking to a total stranger? Who am I and what have I done with the real me?! Deep breaths Dazz.. just put your dish in the washer and leave now. As I stand up my bestfriend slings his arm around be he suddenly speaks, "Yo Dazz, I had the weirdest dream last night, I was like flying, on like a giant apple.. singing Ariana Grande? Oh yeah, she was there too singing with me.. she's so hot." He laughed, "Did you like have any dreams?" I immediately go red as he suddenly jogs my memory, I had managed to forget what my dream was a couple hours ago. "Oh.. um.." "Omg- was it a sex dream?! It wasss!" He says a bit too loud and I get even more flushed. "No it was not!" I cover his mouth, "Just of someone I like, nothing weird or anything." "YOU LIKE SOMEONE?!" He rips my hand off his mouth and shouts this, "Who…?" He smirks and starts listing girls name. I start walking faster and further away, trying to get my skin back to it's normal colour. I'm finally at my room and instead of being calm and taking deep breaths, breathing becomes significantly harder than normal. I break into a sweat and my mind starts racing, who heard him? Why did he say that so loud? Why did he just assume it was a girl? Do I tell him it wasn't? Do I come out to him? Why did I say 'someone I like' I don't really even like them! That guy probably thought I was stupid or weird when I talked to him!? I sit on my bed and start taping each finger besides ring with my thumb, my tears start to slow down and my breathing returns to normal. I hear knocks at my door, wiping my teachers before they make my eyes super red I answer. "Oh hello!" I say in my cheery voice, the guy from my dream- I mean the guy I talked to this morning is holding my jacket. "You forgot this?" I snatch it back and thank him, it feels impolite to close the door so we just stand there. He grabs to door knob and closes it himself. How did he know where I live? Oh wait- my door has a picture of myself on it.. right. Forgot my friends put that there. I bury my face in the jacket and force myself just to sleep this bad day out.

[bondew]

lmao imagine not having friends cade, and imagine ur friends leaving u for sport dazz! losersssss!!

Cadence Lane.

As the professer walks in i fix my posture and move my gaze from the window to him. My laptop is already open on fresh word doccument, along with a second tap with the project. I've already emailed it so I doubt we will use it, best to stay prepared though. He begins to ramble and the 60 people in the room are visibly bored. I end up doodling on my pale hand with a black pen, still paying attention but just keeping myself occupied. I've forgotton about the idea of taking actual notes and I'm just remembering everything important. It may sounds like I dont like what I do but when you have the same chatty teacher each lecture you just eventually get sick of it. I can't stop thinking about that boy from the library, I wonder why he didn't stay with his friends, I mean they looked like they were having a great time. He was weird, reading about bugs instead of being with your friends. Like if I had friends I would spend as much time with them as possible, and I'd feel pretty shit if they were having a bunch of fun without me. Not that I want friends! That's so stupid. Maybe they're mean to him? I wouldn't be too surprised, they seem very different to bug boy. Two hours later half the class are dead asleep, the rest are bored out of their minds and a couple weird students are all bubbly and awake. To be honest they are probably survivng on caffine. I pack up my things as we get dismissed, sliding my laptop and pencil case into my black messenger bag. Shoving on a white coat over my turtle neck I step out into the hallway, just a couple steps out i run into someone. "God! Watch out!" I say by instinct. I stare at the persons as they beg to be forgiven, "Oh! I'm so sorry sir!" They smile sweetly and looks at me. "Bug boy?" I accidently say aloud. "Oh yeah! Haha!" He holds up the heavy book. "Oh shit- um I didn't mean to say that out loud, sorry!" Wait why the fuck am I apologising- I never do that! I look back up and he's just laughing while walking away.

Bug Boy.

For some odd reason as we practice my first scene, which Juliet isn't even it I'm shaking- like I may get nervous sometimes on stage but never during rehearsal?! Despite this I think I did an ok job, it's just weird how I'm so nervous today, when I woke up I was fine! God.. I spot my friends walking down the hallway as I exit the auditorium, running to them I instantly just start smiling and joking away. My friends complain about their classes and then before I can even start on mine, they all excuse themselves so they can go to training. My smile fades but I wipe it back on and just keep walking. Suddenly I bump into someone. "God! Watch out!" They snap, and I start apologizing continually. "Oh! I'm so sorry sir!" "Bug boy?" They say and I stare into their emerald eyes before realizing that they sat in front of me in the library, I hold up my book and start laughing. "Oh yeah! Haha!" I start to walk away but I still hear them say something and then mutter to themselves. I make my way off campus and find a ramen shop, I actually see a couple of my friends outside of the group but decide to just eat by myself. Swiping my card I buy a bowl and sit down at the bar seats. They don't come over to me so I assume they didn't see me. The food comes out quite quickly and I start slurping. I wonder why that guy remembered me, am I that memorable. Well it was only a couple hours ago- and I did wake him up. Oh shit- Now I've woken him up and bumped into him! He probably hates me.. I hang my head and the front of my hair touches the soup in the bowl, I pull up my head and wipe the tuffs with my sleeve. Picking up the bowl I slurp down the soup and pay before leaving. My couple friends are still in there, they were probably just talking. Luckily my literature class got cancelled since my professor is sick so I can just go back to my dorm. The streets are quite empty as I cross back to the UNI, suddenly a cast of grey storm clouds shower me in rain and I am forced to run back. Slumping down on my hard mattress I grab a towel and aggressively shake my head. Pulling off my wet clothes, I hang them on the windows and change, leaving my shirt off. I sit down at my desk with a blanket wrapped around me I check my emails just in case my professor uploads any work. Sadly she did and I'm forced to write. I begin to thoroughly read the email and I'm shocked when it's free writing. She never lets us do free so this is quite exiting. We have to write at least 10,000 words, my current work in progress has around 8,000 so I just continue that. Around an hour later it's finally at just over 10,000 and I can submit it. I make sure to replace all the swear words and recheck my spelling and grammar about a million times.

[bondew]

I got bored- I love my freckled, fluffy red head! (Oh Cade, u and ur neatly brushed hair are loved too)

Two Bathroom Stalls.

Cadence Lane.

The piercing sound of my alarm rings in my ear the next morning. It’s around 6am and I’ve only slept for 4 hours. I stumble to the mirror and I flip it back to face me. As the sun peeks from under the curtains I brush my hair so it doesn’t reflect my mind. My room is completely clean, well excluding my desk drawers. I shove on a tight black turtle neck and white dress pants. I don’t change my black stud earrings, I don’t really have any other pairs anyway. I swing my bag onto one shoulder and slide on my loafers as I step out.

Tossing a mint into my mouth a sudden hoard of people pile into the hallway. They sound like squawking vultures as they push past me. I run my hand through my hair and make my way downstairs. My first class is at 8, I was meant to finish my project last night but because of the situation I have to do it this morning. I skip breakfast and end up in the library. Without saying a word I sit down and open up my laptop. Skimming through the essay I quickly edit it, I’m confident that I won’t miss any mistakes. There is hardly ever any, I am the top of the class for a reason.

I put my earbuds in and open up my notebook. My peace doesn’t last long, the stampede of boys stride into library. I notice one of them sneak away from the group as they wander around and talk to girls. He heads to the non-fiction section and grabs a thick, hard covered book about bugs. My computer is still open so when he decides to ignore all the other free tables and sit in front of me he is partly blocked out. I can see his freckled forehead and fluffy orange hair over the top of my screen but this decreases as he slumps down and starts to read. Shaking my head back to reality I tap on my page with a pen and start to write. My playlist is open on my screen and every time a song changes I glance up.

I’ve basically fallen asleep but when a book slams closed I suddenly jolt up.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to wake you! U-uh I have to get to class!” The orange-haired boy says as he runs out of the room. Glancing at my watch I gather my stuff and sprint out just behind him. I arrive in the lecture room just before the clock hits 8, I’m panting and all eyes are on me. Fixing my hair I stand up straight and rush to a seat before anyone says anything.

Dazz Shawn.

It was probably a mistake choosing to study literature and theatre. I basically have no free time. I’m only a couple minutes late and luckily the director doesn’t seem to care. Dropping a heavy book about bugs and my tote bag on the floor I head backstage where I’m warmly welcomed.

We do a lot of theory in theatre obviously, I mean it is still a university class but today we have prac, the best part. For some weird reason the teacher randomly decided this year was the year we were going to do a performance! I mean I’m not unhappy, I love plays! But it was kinda out of the blue. I landed the male lead somehow so.. um yeah. I can’t really afford to be late to class anymore. The stage has been prepped with half-painted sets and random boxes since somebody lost the proper ones.

I washed my hair this morning so it’s all kinda fluffy and sticking out weirdly, nobody has really noticed. Not like I expect them to anyway! Like it’s just washing my hair.. haha. Um.. thankfully all my friends are studying things like, physics, sports science and mathematics so I don’t have to embarrass myself in-front of them when I’m horribly acting.

“Oh, by the way Dazz! You obviously know that we are doing Romeo and Juliet but just confirming you’re all good for the kiss?” My teacher interrupts my train of thought while I’m sitting on the edge of the stage. My legs instantly stop swinging and I go bright red.

“Yeahhh.. wait who’s Juliet again..” I struggle out.

“Right!” He flips his clipboard, “Hmm.. oh right of course! It’s Olivia Irwin!” He looks at me and smiles innocently.

“Yep! Ok all good!” I say quickly. Like obviously I knew I was going to have to kiss someone like it’s Romeo and Juliet for gods sake! But Olivia?! She’s like the prettiest, most talented person ever! Well atleast in this school!

Now don’t get the wrong idea I definitely don’t have a crush on her! Like I don’t really have a type but I just can’t date or crush on someone who has seen me trip into like three paint buckets!

[bondew]

I gave up on dcosm so here is “Two Bathroom Stalls”! My 2024 project!

Two Bathroom Stalls.

Cadence Lane.

I sit curled up in a bathroom stall, my crying has started to fade. Now I can hear that in the stall next to me is the sound of someone hyperventilating. I step out of the small cubical and instead of being a decent person I just walked away.

My eyes sting as I make my way up the long, empty staircase. Turning my old doorknob I just stand in the entryway for a moment, but as soon as I hear footsteps I slam the door. Ripping off my vest I scruff up my black hair and head to the mirror. Red under eyes, droopy frown, stained button up.. “I’m a mess.” I muttered before turning the mirror away from myself.

I scroll through the contacts on my phone, only about 3 are actually saved..

My name is Cadence Lane. I am 23 years old and a law student at Cambridge, if you haven’t realised this yet, I’m a truly messed up person with no friends. I guess I’m ok with this- I’ve had to learn to be ok with it.

I finally black out at around 2am. The dim light still on, reflecting on my pale skin.

I often sleep at this time of night, this is probably very bad for my health all around but I don’t give a shit. I don’t give a shit about anything anymore. And that’s the complete truth.

Dazz Shawn.

My eyes are welling up with tears I can’t stop myself. I’m praying that this bathroom is empty, I really can’t hear anybody over the sound of trying to breathe. My greasy orange hair is covering half my face and I can’t be bothered to move it out of my eyes. I feel like punching the shit out of the wall.. and myself.. I tap each finger with my thumb, skipping my ring and slowly start to calm down. I confirm that the bathroom is completely empty before creeping out of the stall. Washing my face in the sink I step out with a wide smile and rush back to my friends.

My name is Dazz Shawn, or Dazzy! I am 22 years old and study literature and theatre here at Cambridge university! I live on campus and have a lot of friends. Despite my life seeming perfect what you just experienced is a daily thing for me. Let’s not get into that crap though!

Avoiding the questions I make up some excuse so I can go to bed. I trot upstairs but as soon as I’m out of sight, my shoulders slump and my smile fades into a frown. As I enter into my dorm through the old doorway I shrug off my yellow t-shirt and fall onto my bed just in jeans. A rough landing puts me in more pain than I can deal with right now. Changing into a small grey tank top and some soft, baggy black cargos I lie myself down on my bed again and instantly pass out.

[bondew]

Don’t Cry Over Spilt Milk

Chapter four.

I didn’t really want to go to this party but after Chelsea texted saying she was I started getting ready as soon as I got home. I didn’t tell my parents the news instantly, I was kind of still in awe and shaking so it wasn’t really the best time. Maybe at breakfast or something? I put on my signature outfit, some grey parachute pants that make way too much noise and a little black tank that honestly sometimes makes me feel quite insecure. I tend to try and block that all out. Well block it out of everyone’s view atleast. As I apply makeup to cover my acne and blemishes phoebe bursts through my bedroom door, she’s wearing a beautiful blue, sparkly suit and her hair is curled, I didn’t think she was one to dress up but honestly she can. Pulling my shirt down so it covers my stomach I shove on some white ankle socks and my sparkly crocs. I put on my pride pins and as she watches she starts to dig in her pocket. I turn to see what she’s doing and notice she is now adjusting an aroace flag pin on her blazer. We both smile and she jingles her car keys as we both run out.

“You wear that outfit everywhere Dew!” She laughs as she turns the key.

“Ahem it’s either this or overalls so deal with it!” We both laugh and drive off.

As I step through the front door I instantly recognise the house, it’s Harry’s. Harry Greene’s. This knot in my stomach instantly tightens and doesn’t until release Phoebe and I find Chelsea. I hold her in a hug that probably lasts more than what is socially acceptable. Finding the group we all go to find ourselves some drinks and snacks. I see a few familiar faces, Tori and her lot, some theatre kids, some of Aled’s friends too. His friends from Truham are instantly recognisable, mainly because they are the only openly gay couple in like the history of the school. I like them. I haven’t ever talked to them. I wish I could though. The knot in my stomach returns as we walk through the sweaty crouds. Despite it being quite cold out the house is so packed that everyone is all hot and sticky. Tying my hair into a little half-pony I nod to my friends that I’m going to get some air. I find myself in the observatory sitting on a lounge, there isn’t many people in here. It’s kind of the only quiet place in this giant house. Swiping up on my lock screen I frown as I see no messages. I usually expect to see some but with false expectations every time it honestly just makes me feel shit. This is a dumb thing to complain about when I literally leave anyone who messages me on read anyway.

I look up to see all the drama kids kinda crowded together in a huddle on the floor. I only recognise a few, I don’t have any friends In theatre, although it’s been my class for four years now. They hurry me over and I sit down to see a bottle.

“We’re playing truth or dare come on!” A bubbly girl butts in. She has frizzy orange hair that’s all curly. She starts off by spinning and I don’t know if someone is praying on my downfall or just by chance it’s me.

“Uh truth?” I say, starting to pick at my nails.

“Oo! Who do you like?” She sits up on her knees and now the whole circle is staring.

“Nobody..?” My voice trails off as I scan at everyone’s faces. The only one I really recognise is Kael’s, he’s the boy playing the Beast. I shrug and pull my gaze to the floor. After playing a couple rounds I insist I go.

As I try and find my way back through this maze of a house I run into Harry Greene.

Instantly covering my pride pins he steps towards me. “Enjoying the party Shaw?” He says like a drunken idiot, well he is.

“Uhm it’s fine.” I manage to come up with. Harry Greene is the definition of a “British chav”, he’s a rugby lad and consistently uses “mate” in every sentence. I try to leave the conversation, usually when he talks to me it’s just to torment, tease and even bully.

“Found any ladies to kiss yet?” He laughs to his lot.

I tower over him and cross my arms, “More than you’ve ever in your entire life.” I stand my ground but he continues, I just stand there. As he continues I notice I start to care a bit more with every word he says. In a daze of a teenage, overthinking mind he suddenly gets cleared out of view. I snap back out of a messy thought and notice he has been completely pulled to the floor. Nick Nelson, one of the two opening queer boys at Truham is staring at me, smiling. I shake my head to remember what’s going on and instantly start thanking him. Pulling my hand off my chest to wipe my damp eyes he pulls me into a hug, I honestly don’t know what is going on. All I can think about is everything Harry said. Just then and in the past. Everyday of year 8 comes back, him bullying me constantly everyday after school. Having to hide my red under eyes from my parents, crying myself to sleep, repeating everything he said to myself in the morning to remind myself I suck. I pull out of the hug and run outside. I knew it was a shit idea to continue going inside as soon as I recognised the house.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

[bondew]

Don’t Cry Over Spilt Milk

Chapter three.

Closing my book I adjust my pride pins, (I’m not really allowed to wear them but last time they told me to take them off my friends called them homophobic. So..) on my uniform and sit up straight.

“I’m pleased to announce that this year is musical year!” Mrs A. announced, chatter immediately erupted but I just stared at her. “The musical will be… Shrek!” Everyone stops and are suddenly all giving her the death stare. “Good gosh! I’m joking! It’s Beauty and the Beast!” Everyone cheers, even me! I’ve been waiting for this my entire highschool life. Now I’m actually in year 11 I can be a real lead, all the year 12’s and 13’s are so busy so there isn’t many taking drama! Mrs A. begins strolling around the room and talking about the auditions, drama is one of very few classes that has all mixed ages, honestly quiet annoying. I can hear all the year sevens thinking they have a chance to be Belle and honestly feel bad that they will all end up being dancing forks or spoons. Better than when I was a tree I suppose.

“But miss, who will play all the male roles? There is like one boy in our class!” Someone calls out.

“Ahh, yes we always join in with the Truham boys! So you will be seeing a few new faces at rehearsals!” Mrs A. continues spreading all the details and everyone is so intrigued that the class is silent for once.

After endless questions and sweaky voices squealing the bell rings. Waving everyone out Mrs A. pats my shoulder and smiles as I leave.

From what I heard before I zoned out is that auditions are after school today, she would’ve done it second break but stupid Truham boys have drama after then so won’t know. I walk to English with my bag hanging off one shoulder and my book in my hand. I’ve learnt that if there are no friends in your class don’t make any new ones and is there is, be the responsible one. Tina and Phoebe are both in my English class so that’s fine, sadly we have a seating plan so it doesn’t make much of a difference anyway. The door is open so I walk in and throw out some books before hanging up my bag on the back of a chair. Suddenly the smell of overwhelming perfume floods the classroom as a bunch of “popular” girls walk in. They are followed by the “nerds”, then the “normal kids” and finally the “weird” kids. Our teacher Mr Johnson slams the door behind everyone and has that stern monday look he has well everyday of the week. He spends around 30 minutes squabbling about the stupid term assignment and the GCSE that happening like in months, I zone out halfway through and so does everyone else. Slamming his fist on the desk we all sit up straight and pick up a pen. We write for the remainder of the lesson, to be honest I don’t even know what we were writing.

Second break arrives and goes, I just spent it reading a monologue and a ‘Beauty and the Beast’ song until I drove my friends crazy. I muttered the lyrics under my breath all throughout science too, finally it was the end of the day. A flood of drama boys head through the gate. Well not a flood, more like 10 raindrops. I guess boys don’t like singing and dancing? I run to meet Aled, I texted him to ask if he could come, he arrived with Daniel. Daniel is his boyfriend but I’m one of few that know that, after a long hug I drag them both to the auditorium.

I start to sweat as soon as I step inside, there are grade sevens squealing at eachother, grade eights chewing gum thinking their “cool”, grade 9’s waiting for it to start already, grade 10’s talking about who they wanna play, only grade 11’s, 12’s and 13’s are actually practicing. I hand Daniel a script and make him sing the male song part.

“Sing the stuff that isn’t highlighted please.”

“Dewey I don’t sing.”

“Pleaseeeee, I need this!! It’s my dream” I put of some sad moping face and he gives in. As we sing the duet I stop sweating and I tune all the background noise out. We finish and I snatch it back. “I remembered!!” I squeal like a little grade seven and then start pacing back and forward reading the monologue .

I’ve done auditions a million times but as Mrs A. calls up my name I can feel my palms get even sweatier, my knees shake and my arms tense up. I take a sip of water and take one step at a time as I make my way up to the stage. Aled and Daniel smile up at me, I’m glad my other friends didn’t come, they just embarrass me too much plus it’s weird when they watch me. It feels like they’re judging me. Constantly.

Clearing my throat I start to speak, not just speak though, I speak with such emotion that before entering the song that I’m actually smiling, like not a fake one. I feel free, despite everyone watching me and judging me, it’s different. Because in my mind they aren’t judging me, they are judging the character, this isn’t true but as long as I feel like it is. I’m ok. I count the pauses where the Beast sings imagining Daniel singing. I finish and take a deep breath before walking off, it now is suddenly all flooding in that I just did that but as I fall into Aled’s arms for a hug and applause tunes all the shit I’m feeling out. I realise ‘I just did that’ is a good thing.

I watch some delusional year 7’s audition following some incredible year 11’s, 12’s and 13’s, they are so good that I have literally no chance. The Beast auditions ran after than, I only stayed because they announce who got the leads at the end. I scrolled on my phone for a while, there was only like three guys auditioning because there wasn’t many in total anyway. As the last boy finished there was I think a grade 12 screaming cheers at the top of his lungs, it made me wake up so that’s good I guess. Mrs A. and the Truham teacher both stand on stage as the last boy runs to his friend and asks him to shut up. I glance at him for a moment as he runs by, he was quite good from what I can remember. I stand up and everyone who auditioned for either Belle or Beast walked up to the teacher, there is so many girls that I am shaking like crazy, Daniel has left but Aled is holding my shoulder tightly.

“And now for the two main leads for the Truham-HIGGS beauty and the beast musical..” They built tension I could feel my stress go right up into my throat, spreading around my body. I needed to get Belle, I am desperate!

“As Beast we have… Kael Jan!” The Truham director announced and the screaming started again. The entire building erupted in applause as the boy smiled a big goofy smile. It was the last one who auditioned.

“And as Belle we have… Dewey Shaw!” I screamed high pitch and immediately covered my mouth, I couldn’t stop myself from smiling.

As the teachers invited us on stage both me and Kael hesitated but from the help of his friend we both were pushed up the steps. That was it. I just fulfilled my highschool dream.

[bondew]

Don’t Cry Over Spilt Milk

Chapter two.

As lunch rolls around Phoebe drags to the field to meet our group. the field is all covered in melting snow, it’s quite pretty to be honest. Dragging on my thick wool coat I sit down at the picnic table.

“God it’s so cold! Aren’t your legs freezing Dewey?! You’re not even wearing tights!” Tina blurts out as she throws her bag on the table.

“I’m fine!” I chuckle and pull out a pack of gum, I forgot my lunch today so it’ll have to do. Popping a piece into my mouth Bridey sits down, her fluffy hair proofing around makes her look quite happy but based on her eyebags and face I can tell she isn’t. She never brings that much lunch so I pass a piece of gum.

“Thanks!” She smiled and laughed but I knew she was dying inside.

“Um excuse me? What about us?” Phoebe and Tina are both holding out their hands waiting for some.

“You both have full lunchboxes shut it!” I flick their hands away.

“So the party tonight?” Tina flicks her hair, “Come on you guys don’t even do anything! Like ever!”

We all just stare.

“Remind me to make some extroverted friends this year!” She laughs.

“Just go with Becky!” I say, “She’s trying to get me to go as well.”

“Ugh whatever, lame kids.” Tina replies.

“Fine we will go! As long as next party we can all stay home” Phoebe says.

Bridey and I roll our eyes but agree.

Just so you know I don’t think like a ‘normal’ person, I like to create problems that don’t exist and refuse to fix them or ignore them. I replace my friends with fictional characters too, actually most people. This is all probably very bad for my mental health. Can it really get worse though? I just jinxed that didn’t I?

I may be always surrounded by buzzing people and energy but in my mind I’m all alone. It’s like I’ve isolated myself and other people either exist and are draining me or are replaced and supporting me. Oh well.

The bell rings again and I pop another piece of gum in before grabbing my bag and just leaving. I have drama now and none of my friends are in the class so I don’t really see a point in saying anything. I make it there quite early as the classroom is right beside our lunch table. I toss my bag to the side and sit down, leaning on the wall. Opening my book ‘Straight expectations’ I start to read, my drama teacher appears before any other classmates and lets me in. I’m still reading as more people flood in.

[bondew]

‘Don’t Cry Over Split Milk’

Chapter one.

I am aware as I step into form that this year will be a repeat of grade ten just more pressure, harder work and more drama. So basically just double the stress.

“Why the long face Ms Shaw?” My form teacher Mr Ajayi says as I walk to check my name off on the roll. He was my year ten art teacher so knows that I am not one for a casual conversation or any conversation with an authority figure, luckily he doesn’t really count as an authority figure. This is because he is one of the most relatable and kindest people ever.

“Chelsea’s gone.” I groan as he ticks my name.

“Ahh, I’m gonna’ miss her, she was one of the best artists!” He laughs, trying to brighten my mood.

My bestfriend since grade three moved to the academy somewhere around here so school is pretty shitty. She’ll be fine though, I don’t know about me so much. I have enough friends to survive here, Phoebe, Tori, Tina, Bridey and lots more but it’s just not the same. My other friend Aled goes to a different school, Truham, it’s an all boys school so yeah, but I might move next year since we are allowed to in sixth form.

I drag my new backpack across the floor and find a seat pressed against the window. As the sun gleams on my face I rest my head, just waiting for the ear piercing bell. It suddenly rings and I slowly make my way to the door, this is where I am greeted with Tori Spring. Tori is an odd girl, not very talkative but is also kind and very protective. For once she isn’t standing waiting with Becky, I don’t like Becky that much but I put up with her for Tori’s sake. We make our way to maths where I suddenly become extremely chatty, I mean we can’t just walk in silence. Becky then appears and starts gasping for air waving around a late slip.

“Sorry guys! I was with Ben and lost track of time!”

I roll my eyes discreetly and then just smile, goddammit I really thought she would be away today.

All the chatter is centred around a party this evening and Becky instantly suggests we go, apparently it’s for the new school year but i think people just find any excuse to throw a party these days. Tori and I stare at eachother for a moment. We are both antisocial fucks. Becky’s purple hair is flowing around as she tries to convince us, thats when phoebe appears. I met phoebe in year 7, I was very quiet and the teacher forced us to talk and for some reason we clicked! She is quite tall with straight brown hair. Not even going to lie, she is very pretty. Like pretty that compared to her I look like a stressed, tired, mole rat, sure I always do but she intensifies it. I mutter some excuse so phoebe and I can stand away from Becky and I just start ranting, Phoebe is the only person I can do this with (besides my other friend Tina) so she kinda has to let me. It’s fine because as a bestfriend should, she hates her too.