cinderblackwrites

[cinderblackwrites]

Rebellious Transparency

I think I was 17 going on 18 years old when BTS first made their debut. At that time I was still very active when it came to Kpop, Korean dramas and anything that had to do with the Korean entertainment business. I was learning new things every day at a rapid speed and I was consuming more media, probably, than I had ever done in my entire life. I was drawn to it like a lot of foreign watchers. It's a hard thing to explain and is more of a feeling you get when you see it. Experience it.

I wasn't like some dedicated kpop fans, though, who got to know the idols pre-debut. I learned that there are some people who actively know what's going on even before the companies reveal things. I was never like that. It was too much work for something that I knew would come eventually. I had a lot more patience back then even though I was young. Different priorities. I didn't even join community forums or anything. Around this time I think I was actively listening to SHinee, Super Junior, Girls Generation, B1A4, EXO and Infinite to name a few.

(As I'm typing this I'm babysitting my nieces and nephew who are all under the age of 5 so I'm trying to get my thoughts out properly. Please bare with me 😭)

There were so many talented artists at the time and I wanted to learn about them all, but it was tough. As most of you probably know, Korea has dozens and dozens of Korean artists and it's nearly impossible to listened to them all. Naturally, I ended up listening to the more popular bands. Most of them being apart of the biggest companies in kpop (you guys know who they are right?). I would call it a miracle that I ran into BTS but that would be a lie. If I hadn't discovered them during their debut, I would have definitely found them either way.

There was something about them that just stood out. I'm a hip hop girl. I love rap, r&b, soul, all of that. It's what I grew up with, so people who have that type of style always peeks my interest. When I go back and watch their debut music video I can tell how hard they were going to make a good impression. Their outfits, their dancing. It was all very flashy and over-the-top, but in a good way. A fun way. We all knew there was something special about them. At the time I only had my little sister to talk to about them. We watched EVERYthing they did. They were very open with their fans. They always did Bangtan Bombs on youtube and would share their thoughts and feelings a lot. I think that's one big reason why so many fans got attached. People enjoy transparency. It makes them feel like they're more than fans. Like we are all friends. I know that probably sounds strange to a lot of people, but it's similar to Twitch streamers. The more interaction, the closer people get to one another. It can't be helped.

That transparency is why I decided to create this post in the first place.

There is a line. An invisible and sometimes blurred line between performer and audience. Sometimes it's not always clear. Maybe the performer doesn't realize they need to set boundaries, maybe the audience doesn't realize when they're crossing a line, but the distinction is there. Though you might think you know everything as an audience member because you've watched so much about your favorite performer/entertainer/artist, etc., you don't know everything. They aren't friends that you can contact every day, they aren't family members you've grown up in the same house with, and whether most of us like it or not, we know more about them than they know about us. Imagine trying to truly befriend someone you know nothing about. It's a wild thought, so it wouldn't be easy for an artist to do that. But, I think there must still be a strong bond artists have with their audience. It's a very complex relationship.

I could talk about this all day and night if need be, but I say all of this to bring up BTS' very own maknae JungKook. There's a lot I could say about him. He's always been extremely talented with dancing and singing. Like the other members, his talent has only grown over the years, and because I haven't kept up with BTS as often as I used to, I blinked and all of a sudden he went from a baby to a full grown man. He's 26? How lol Either way, he's all grown up, and with his new single out, he's definitely telling people straight up that he's an adult.

I know a lot of people were shocked after hearing the explicit version of his new song. I like watching reaction videos so everyone, even foreign watchers were shocked by what he said. Most weren't shocked in a bad way, but were more thinking, "Is he allowed to say that?" "His company allowed it?" Things like that. We're so used to the strict rules in Kpop, that something like this seems impossible. But, many people joked about it in a positive way. Most people thought the explicit version was even better than the clean version. I honestly like both. I'm not bothered by it.

After listening to the song I got curious though. I saw a recommended video where Jungkook was doing a weverse live, and I started to wonder what his thought process was. He's always been a rebel. He learned that well from just being in a group of rebels. We all know the Rap Line: Suga, RM, and J-hope. They always did their own thing and were really deep in their songs. How could Jungkook not learn from that? Not to mention that BTS as a whole has a lot of songs that went against the norms of kpop. It's only natural for him to be who he is. It's almost hypocritical for fans to say that he shouldn't be talking like this, or getting piercings and tattoos and stuff. This is who he is. This is what he's always known.

I'm always drawn to deep thinkers. I can't help it. Some people call themselves empaths: a person highly attuned to the feelings and emotions of those around them. I don't really go too deep into stuff like that, but I'm definitely sensitive to the feelings of others. Sometimes to the point where I get mentally exhausted from it. Deep thinkers do that to me, but they're so fascinating that I can't help but listen to what they have to say. I can name two other Korean artists that are like this for me. Christian Yu and B.I (formally known for being in IKON). Their streams are very intense for me. They are so open and honest about almost everything, and I'm a deep thinker myself, so without noticing it I start thinking deeply along with them lol

Sometimes it makes me laugh when they are going on about a deep topic and then you read the comments in the live and someone says something like, "Oppa you look hot in that shirt". I'm just like, "Are ya'll not listening to this man at all 😂 But I guess that can't be helped.

Anyway, back to Jungkook. He's another one that has so many DEEP thoughts. I've never seen any of his weverse lives before, so I watched a few one after the other. He is so freakin honest about what he's thinking. It's wild. Whenever someone calls him out about something they don't like, he calls them out. If something is bothering him he just says it. If there's a personal story of him and the members having an argument he tells it. He's different. Like really, in comparison to other idols. A rebel through and through. It's fascinating.

He recently did a weverse live where he talked about how he's feeling now that the promotion for his new single is done. It's a very good live. He brings up a lot of touchy subjects including people being upset about the explicit version of his song, why it's important for him and his fans to have a more casual friendship, and how he wants to be himself even if that means doing things his company doesn't agree with. Knowing a bit about who he is now from his lives, I'm really curious what kinds of things he'll express in his upcoming album. I'm wondering how much more he'll show to everyone. In a way I really like this honesty and openness, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bit worried. I can tell there are a lot of things he wants to do, a lot of things he wants to say but he can't for the sake of his band members and his company.

In one of his lives he mentions that he wants to hang out with the ARMY and go out for drinks one day without the company knowing. It was in a joking manner, but I personally think that sounds like a fun idea. I've heard a lot of older youtubers say they've done that before. Just casually having a drink with fans and talking about life. But fans, especially BTS fans are a bit wild, especially now, so idk how that would work without things getting a bit messy. Jungkook likes having fun that's for sure. He sees that line that he's not supposed to cross and casually strolls over it 😂 I honestly hope he can have that drink with the Armys one day, and I can't wait to see what he does next.

[cinderblackwrites]

Memories of August by 90377 Instagram | Etsy Shop

[cinderblackwrites]

The 'Alex from Target' Complex

Like everyone else these days, I find myself spending way too much time on social media. I recently made a TikTok account just so I could see what everyone was going on about. My brother sends me TikToks all the time, my little sister is speaking in slang I don't understand, and I'm discovering songs super late, that have been out on the app for months.

What really got me into TikTok, though, was my obsession/fascination with cottagecore. I'm in love with it. Something about rolling down green hills barefoot, while beautiful mountains sit behind you like a painting from a dream, just makes me happy. There's also a nostalgic factor because I live really close to mountains and have traveled through them quite a lot. When the light is just right and you're in a certain part of town, you can see them clear as day. Even the snow at the tippy top.

But, besides that, I just found myself exploring what TikTok has to offer. There's a lot of good stuff on there. People are getting a lot better at humor and timing, and I find it EXTREMELY fascinating that average people are becoming huge internet sensations.

It's not like it was a decade ago, where you would get a handful of one-hit-wonders on popular day-time tv shows. Now, it's hundreds, THOUSANDS of people becoming popular overnight. Famous overnight. Rich overnight. It's amazing and a bit crazy...

I also started to notice something else. A few months ago I stumbled on a video from a guy named Rebal D on youtube. He has gotten pretty big with his TikTok reaction videos. Especially the thirst trap ones. All of his videos are fun to watch, but those specifically, have high view counts.

Mind you, this was before I knew much about what was on TikTok, so all of this information was fairly new to me.

After watching these videos and trying my best not to cringe at these people selling their "$ex appeal", I honestly couldn't believe these people were real. That they were really putting it all out there and people in the comments were just eating it up. I mean, there's some really cute, and fun thirst traps, then there's k!nky stuff, and THEN, oh boy, there is POV stuff that just has my mouth on the floor. I don't want to k!ink shame anyone, but some of that stuff is wild.

But, you get used to it after awhile. You're just like, alright, fine. It is what it is, and you move on if it's not your thing. But, all of this got me to thinking about Alex from Target.

I don't know if any of you remember this guy. But back in 2014, a picture of a teen working in Target went viral, after some teen girls decided that he was hot. Then a bunch of OTHER people thought he was hot. It picked up even MORE traction after news outlets and stuff wondered what the big deal was and who this kid was. Then finally, he made his big "reveal" on an episode of E!!en. He really was just a normal teenage boy. He didn't even see something like that coming his way.

At the time, I just thought it was really weird. I mean it was so cool that he got famous overnight and that he got to hang out with all these cool celebrities. He was invited to a bunch of exclusive parties. He got to go backstage and gained and bunch of interesting friends. A teens dream. Right? Well not really. Not to him.

Every once in awhile I check to see if he's still doing alright. Yup, that's me. A rando girl on the internet who worries for people who she doesn't actually know haha. But he seems fine. The last time I checked, he had left the spotlight behind him. He is a gym rat, and has a normal girlfriend. Both living normal lives.

So, what happened?

Well, I read in an article he claimed that popularity wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He realized people were just using him, or just liked him because he was "hot" and not because of his true self. Plus, he didn't have some amazing talent like singing or playing an instrument that would keep people's attention. That's a tough reality for anyone, let alone a teen still trying to figure themselves out. Especially, when his popularity began to fade and people started to move on to the next shiny, new thing...

Now, in 2021, there are hundreds of 'Alex from Target' type of guys and girls. I guess people call them 'Pick me' guys/girls. Where people are just popular for their looks and literally nothing else. Just normal people blessed by the Gods haha. Or their parents depending on how you see it.

There's one guy in particular who has completely blown up on TikTok. I don't really wanna say his name, though, because I actually like the guy after finding his Twitch. But, prior to that moment, he seemed intimidating af. His instragram and his TikTok just made him feel arrogant. Girl guy and everyone in between has a big crush on him. I mean, it makes sense. He's really good-looking.

But, again, he's literally just a guy. Who happens to be attractive. And this isn't me trying to criticize him. It's just me making an observation.

People in general are interesting to me. The way we work, how we think, and our response to things we encounter. It's all so fascinating, and I like to dig deep into the human psyche. Probably because my mom studied psychology and was a therapist for awhile. I used to read some of her books as a kid. Anywoo...

I know there's always more to a person than their surface level. What they say. What they don't say. I always want to dig deeper. And so, I did a little digging.

I realized a long time ago, that there are people who are comfortable in front of cameras. Like youtubers, streamers, and stuff like that. After a few years they just become comfortable and more confident. You can tell who has been doing it for awhile and who hasn't. For example, there was this really popular model on instagram. Millions of followers. Thousands of likes. Hundreds of comments. I guess they thought they should transfer to youtube, but it didn't work out. Not at all. Only about a thousand views on a couple videos. A few hundred on others. They eventually gave up on it. But, in doing their videos, I could see how out-of-their-element they were. This really attractive person, untouchable. All of a sudden they became just a person, who stumbles over their words when they talk, and looks awkwardly at the camera every once in awhile. Just a person. Not this super intimidating instagram model.

This is what I look for in people. Those humbling moments. Are they really arrogant, rude, dismissive? Or are they just like me? Just a girl or a guy who's just navigating their life? Granted, I obviously don't know what kind of person they are in real life. They could be terrible lol But, I just go off what they show.

This TikTok guy that has everyone clutching their water bottles, actually seems okay. Definitely a little awkward in front of the camera, definitely young and still figuring things out. But he doesn't seem so bad. I started to wonder what he thought of his fame. Is he like Alex? Does he feel used sometimes? Does he see all the bad things people say about him? Does that stuff make him depressed?

Seems so. But, unlike Alex, he has decided that staying in the limelight is okay. He isn't running from it even when things get dark and depressing. Personally, I respect both. I respect Alex for wanting to just leave it all behind and live normally, and I respect this guy for wanting to make a business out of it.

It sucks that people often forget that everyone is just a person at the end of the day. I wonder what all this fame will do to us and how it will ultimately shape our culture.

[cinderblackwrites]

The reality of a peaceful life...

I often question my motivation for wanting a peaceful life. Ever since I was a child everyone looked at me with an admiration. They assumed because I never showed frustration, anger, or sadness in the ways that they did, it meant that I must be at peace. But if you've read my other post. then you would know how far from the truth that was and still is...

Just a moment ago I decided to put on some soft music and lay in my bed to read a book about magic. My younger sibling walked in to show me a video, but decided to leave because they didn't want to disturb my peaceful moment. I appreciate that because I wasn't in much of a mood for talking.

Now, I know that makes me sound like a grump, but a moment before she had walked in, I decided to run away from the internet to lay down with a book before depression took over. The internet makes me depressed sometimes. You scroll and scroll and because your own life feels unbearable, everyone else's seems a lot better. In the back of my head I know that it's not all true. Many people put on a front in pictures just to make it seem like their lives are amazing. But it works. It definitely works.

Sometimes I just have to stop. Slow down. And center myself.

I used to have a goal in life. It was to be happy.

I think that last time I've been truly happy was years and years ago when I was just a child. But after thinking it over, I don't think it's happiness that I've been after. It is that childlike bliss. Having moments not worrying about my outer appearance or if I'll have enough money to pay the bills this month, or taking on a million different responsibilities at once. Everything just came easy because I wasn't the one with the big responsibilities.

So I wondered. If I had the chance, would I go back in time to be a child again? The answer was pretty simple.

No. I wouldn't. Although being an adult comes with a lot of hardships, being a child again would mean that I wouldn't have the freedom that adulthood comes with. Making my own money, getting to choose whether I want to move into a new apartment or not, buying my own groceries, hanging out all night, etc. etc.

Being an adult isn't all that bad. It really just depends on your perspective. The way you look at your current perspective. I haven't really had the greatest perspective lately.

I'm still trying to figure out where I want to be in this world.

While everyone seems to be grounded, and they seem to have everything together, I know that's not true. Everyone else is struggling just like I am, but in their own way.

I have a lot of goals now. I honestly want to work for myself one day. I don't really have the confidence at the moment, though, but I still have a small burning spark inside me. A fire that burns with hope for the present and future.

I recently talked to my little brother a bit about how I was feeling. That I felt behind. Most people in their late 20s have stable jobs, a car, a nice place to live, maybe kids or are even married. But I'm still confused and stumbling...

But he said something that surprised me. Something that I know I needed to hear, "Everyone starts at a different time, and even if someone seems to have it all together, they all have their own problems to deal with. Don't feel like you have to compare yourself to someone else because you're smart and I know you can do whatever you put your mind to."

Yes, people. My little brother said this to me. I'm really a proud big sister.

I've been rambling for too long, but I just want to say that, although I'm still struggling with myself and who I really want to be, I haven't given up. That small fire burning inside me is strong willed.

I hope those of you who are reading this fuel that fire inside you as well. I know you're going through a tough time, but you're stronger than you think. Keep moving forward even if your steps are shallow. But, remember there's no rush. It's okay to rest and try to find your own version of peace.

[cinderblackwrites]

Untitled (for now)

Lisa held the gun firmly in her hands and pointed it at God. Or at least that’s what the girl standing before her claimed to be after speaking inside her mind. It was an uncomfortable tingle that didn’t belong. Lisa could hear the echoed giggles even now, coming from the smiling figure in front of her. Though she seemed like a girl no older than herself, maybe fifteen or sixteen, she radiated a power that made Lisa want to cower away. Yet, she wasn’t brought up to run from the things she feared. Since the day she was born, the mob was her life, and the streets was her world. Violence, drugs, and money is what has made that world turn.

Lisa’s oldest memory was being a toddler, still wearing diapers, sitting on her mother and father’s bed as they counted out thousands of dollars, and organized drugs in the shape of bricks. She would often be sent off with a small backpack to make drop-offs with other kids who lived in the area. It was easy and left her with twisted, but fond memories. They would play tag and throw rocks into trash bins, competing to see who the next Michael Jordan would be. Playfully cracking jokes at whoever scored less points. Sometimes they would make bets before their runs to see who could finish their drop-offs first. An older boy named Derrick would always win. He had been doing work for longer than most of them, and the kids looked up to him. One day, a month before Derrick turned eighteen and a few months before Lisa turned twelve, Derrick disappeared. The only person who had seen what had happened to him was her.

Lisa had watched from afar as their neighbors and the police endlessly searched for him, but she knew that they would never find his body. She had hidden it in a place they would never find it.

The hit had happened so quickly that she hadn’t had time to feel anything. It wasn’t until after shoveling the final scoop of dirt over his corpse, that the bitter taste of bile rose from her stomach. She had to clean that up too. But this was work she knew she had to do. The mob leaders promised that if she proved her worth, then she would never have to worry about money again. The first few kills were always the worst, they said.

She hoped this would be her way out...]

Notes: There is quite a bit more of this story. I wrote it for one of my creative writing classes. I'm not sure yet if I want to continue editing though. I might just leave it as it is who knows. I'm too inconsistent ~

[cinderblackwrites]

The Depressed Artist...

Well first, let’s talk about not making depression an aesthetic because for some reason it is. I’m all for dark academia in a general sense. I love books. I love to study, almost to a fault, and I love the clothes. There’s a mystery behind it all, and I’ve always been a big fan of mystery. But, being a depressed artist isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It definitely gets dark when you actually ARE a depressed artist. WARNING! I will lightly be discussing things that happen during depression (my own personal experiences), and I don’t want anyone to read this if it may cause harm to any of you. I will have lighter topics in the future...

Reading is my first love. Where there is reading, there is learning, and where there is learning, there is a vast world unknown. When I was little I read a lot of stories based on fantasy and magic. It amazed me that someone could come up with these things from nowhere. An empty canvas and suddenly a world exists where there was none. I wanted to do that. I wanted to create my own world with my own characters saying things I wanted them to say, and doing things that I wanted them to do. One of my earliest memories is of me ripping off a random piece of cardboard and using an ink pen to scribble up a story (why I had cardboard and not a piece of paper I have no idea). There were no coherent words, and anyone who would have tried to read it wouldn’t have been able to make heads or tales of it, but to ME, it was the start of something amazing. A blissful child’s imagination.

Unfortunately, I realized very quickly that I was on my own with this. At least with the people around me. My mom, who I love dearly, is the one who introduced me to reading. She herself, studied psychology and child development. She understood how important reading helped a child’s imagination. She is my GEM. But, my mom was always very busy with her 9-5 jobs. She didn’t have the time to nurture my growing creativity, which I completely understand. She did everything she could and because of that, my childhood was the happiest time of my life.

(Quick story: I grew up in a house of about 15 people. My grandmother was the Queen of her castle and she opened her arms to anyone who needed help. I grew up with a lot of children and we were all very much loved.)

I would often take my books everywhere with me. On trips, to the store, to school, to someone else's home, to the bathroom even. I would read during breakfast, during dinner, when I was brushing my teeth, and in the bath. I would walk to elementary school unaware of my own surroundings because my nose was in a book. Dangerous, I know. I was that obsessed. I know there are many people out there who were the same as me when they were kids. I just didn't know anyone like that, and when you realize you're "different" from everyone around you, you start to feel sad. Very sad.

I don't know how old I was when I realized the differences between me and everyone in my little bubble. It could have been a slow build of me curiously thinking to myself, "Huh. That's interesting." Or, it could have been a sudden moment of enlightenment. I honestly can't remember. All I know, is that when I was a kid, it became obvious that there was a difference.

That didn't mean that I wasn't able to relate to ANYONE. I played with my friends and family, but when it came to the things I really loved, well, that's where it ended.

Now that we're done with the little history lesson, let me get to the point I'm trying to make: what being a depressed artist ACTUALLY means to me...

I have a lot of old writing I've saved since those early days of non-stop creativity. Whenever I was sad I would sometimes write "poems" out of nowhere. It was all very experimental and when I read those works back, it astounds me that there were no boundaries. That's usually what happens with children. They are the epidemy of creative genius because their dreams have yet to be crushed by an inescapable reality. That's probably very dramatic, but there's definitely truth to it. We're not born understanding failure. And even if we do "fail", children don't automatically think they will never get another opportunity after that. It's a gradual understanding and our environment that shapes those ideas and thoughts.

I didn't think I was a failure as a reader or a writer when I was 8, but I definitely felt that idea creeping up slowly when it came to being a "normal" person.

I found myself "checking out" of most conversations I had. I didn't relate to fashion, celebrity topics, going to parties or having boyfriends. Don't get me wrong, I would talk about those things sometimes, but after awhile, those conversations became boring. Not to mention, social settings were also draining. As someone who spent a lot of time alone reading, being around too many people started to become crippling. Loud noises at home. Loud noises at school. It was too much for me.

Me, my mom and my two siblings, moved out of my Grandma's house at the end of my middle school years, so things got a little quieter. I still didn't have much privacy though.

Just like any teen, I felt stifled by rules. I was spoiled and a little careless. Up until that point, I had been the role-model in the family. I was quiet, shy, and did everything I was told. I got good grades, I stayed away from drugs, alcohol and teen pregnancy. I was put on, what I realize now, as an unattainable pedestal because of the low standards of my environment. Let me quickly explain what that means.

I grew up poor. Though I hadn't realized it. We lived in a bad neighborhood around people who did drugs, and where crime was high. Most of my friends either had children already, were pregnant, or had children and were pregnant. Me not falling into those categories suddenly meant that I was "perfect". But if I was someone that everyone praised...why did I feel so lonely and sad?

By the time I entered high school it was even more apparent that I didn't "belong". Maybe I'll get into why that was in more detail in the future, but to make things short, my high school "crowd" made me feel wrong for being someone who liked to read, write and watch anime. People just weren't into those things. They wanted to have sex and smoke, drink and party. I didn't. So I ran away. Not literally, but emotionally.

I always stopped to think about what life actually meant to me. Sadly, there was a short time in my life that I would have answered, "nothing".

Being a writer. Someone who loved to read and study. Someone who took notes as they watched documentaries on ancient cities, or got inspiration for a story by sitting alone in a library, wasn't an aesthetic to me. It festered into painful depression. Something I still struggle with til this very second as I'm writing now.

So how am I dealing with depression now? I'd say I'm...managing it.

I still write all the time. I'm in a bit of a reading slump, but I read as much as I can. I'm always studying and I love anything that has to do with creativity (I was also obsessed with drawing at one time). The only problem is that my depression has ruined my productivity. I start stories, I never finish them. I have a million ideas, but I can't express them without self doubt. I've changed my college major 3 times and I still don't know exactly who I want to be. I daydream about living on a farm and frolicking in the flowers while listening to sweet music. I've become a dreamer. A depressed artist who has never once completed a work.

Now, this isn't to knock dark academia, or any aesthetic that people use as escapism. Honestly, I'm still learning about the subject. I just wanted to discuss a little. I came across this topic while skimming youtube, and the idea made me think about myself and my own journey.

I really hope that people don't use dark academia as a way to fetishize depression and loneliness. That's all. I'm still very knew at expressing my own thoughts, so I'm sorry if anything comes off as offensive. I definitely mean no harm. Hopefully, in the future I can convey more things much better, but that won't be possible if I don't practice or try.

[cinderblackwrites]

A huge part of my teenage years.

[cinderblackwrites]

Sweet tea and sweeter stories ✿

[cinderblackwrites]

“Naughty John, Naughty John, does his work with his apron on. Cuts your throat and takes your bones, sells 'em off for a coupla stones.”

- The Diviners by Libba Bray

[cinderblackwrites]

Got The Witcher in the mail today. So excited to get into it

[cinderblackwrites]

Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo Book Map

Absolutely love maps in books.

[cinderblackwrites]

“…but life doesn’t have to be like that. You don’t have to spend your years mistrusting, staying in the shadows and keeping  yourself apart.”

- Vin [ The Well of Ascension ]

[cinderblackwrites]

You are a minor character in a work of fantasy, though the author doesn’t seem that bad, making sure everyone gets some sort of happy ending. Unfortunately there’s a large group of fans that decide they didn’t like how the story ended and the fanfiction writers have come together to write, for an entire week, horrible short works about you and how you come to a miserable bloody end or end up emotionally destroyed. Tell how you try to survive this week and avoid breaking too badly.

[cinderblackwrites]

Re:Visiting

The heat bore down the longer she went forward and she had stopped many times to feed her horse. Though it was clearly a good stead, Lia knew that this Sleighton sun was harsh. Before her horse completely killed over she realized that another town was coming into view. Walking in, it was a normal town that really seemed to be bustling. It was clearly a poor town, but Lia could tell life thrived here. There was plenty of food vendors selling fresh food, probably from the forest near the single river than ran through the desert. There were also clothes vendors selling cheap clothing for high prices.

Passing by each one, she decided it would be best to aim for the bar where she’d feel at home. She parked her horse in a nearby stall that would feed and care for it and headed inside. It was extremely dim even with the light coming from the morning sun shining through the windows. Many of the sweaty patrons turned to look at her as she walked in, recognizing who she was. It was pretty clear since she wore her guild badge in honor. She didn’t fear those who hated the guilds, there’s was little she feared.

Walking up to the bar at her own pace, she sat at the bar. “Give me a blue bell.”

“We don’t carry that here.” She looked at him and decided on two whiskeys without ice instead.

The bar keep darted his eyes from Lia to the patrons who were now shifting in their seats. Lia could see others slowly coming toward the bar in the corner of her eyes and the weight from her holster was firm.

The bar keep handed her the whiskey and she drank both in one gulp. It didn’t have the same effects that the alcohol in the kingdom had, but it would do for now. As she finished her drinks, two strong armed guys sat next to her, their alcohol smell was strong in her heightened nose. Any normal person probably would have gagged, but it didn’t make her blink. Instead she turned to one of them and asked, “Do you need something?”

“Yeah,” the strong man on her right said shifting toward her replied. “Yeah, we want your head on a spike.” He smiled revealing broken teeth.

It was quick but not quick enough. The guy on her right went in for a sneak attack, but she caught his arm mid swing and held it firmly. He yelled out in pain. Swiftly she brought up her booted foot and kicked him in the ribs. The forced blew him towards the opposite side of the room and he hit the wall and sagged to the floor. The guy on her right dropped his smile and went in for a strike. Though he seemed quicker than the first man his human agility couldn’t keep up with hers. She caught a muscled arm in her fist and twisted until she heard a satisfying snap.

“Mother fu-!”

Focusing now on the others who now looked terrified, she punched him in the nose with a gloved hand, cracking it. Blood quickly sprayed out and she elbowed him in the back of the neck before he could retaliate. The hit knocked him out cold and he slammed to the floor with a thump.

She turned to the rest of the patrons that were all now standing and looking at her like she was dinner. “Anyone else?” No one made a move and many sat back into their seats, still looking at her with death stares.

“I’ve come to this town looking for something. So, let me be clear.” She walked slowly around the room, eyeing each patron closely. “I only want my bounty and nothing less.” Everyone was watching her closely as well; hanging onto her every word. “I don’t want to hurt anyone else, rather I’d not be distracted at all, so once I’ve found what I came here for, I’ll leave you all back to your shitty lives.” She made her way to a sly looking guy in the corner and stared up at him. “We clear?”

He stared back and smiled and looked and his fellow patrons. “Sounds pretty reasonable to us.”

“Good.”

“Now,” she said taking a seat at a nearby stool. “Who’s Kennie?” Everyone was quiet with worried looks on their faces.

“Right here.” A young woman who looked to be able thirty walked from behind a door in the back and made her way through the crowd; people parting like the sea to make way.

Pushing past her, the guy with the sly look walked in front of Kennie, blocking Lia’s view.

“Shit, Kennie what are you doing?”

“Move Milo, it’ll be fine.”

“Are you kidding me? She’s a fucking guild member. The king’s pet.” Lia watched on in silence. It wasn’t as if he was wrong. Far from in actually. Guild members were like the King’s pets, but it wasn’t as if they didn’t have their own problems, but she didn’t expect him to understand that.

“Milo,” Kennie stared him in the eye and he backed away with an angry expression on his face and letting Kennie pass him.

“Who exactly are you calling a guard dog?” Lia smiled behind her mask as Milo’s dark eyes bored into her.

“Ignore them. Let’s go somewhere we can have a bit of privacy.” She waved her over into the back room and Lia followed close behind with burning eyes on her back as she passed.

The backroom was more like a closet. It was small and compact, stacked with lots of papers and books that were messily thrown all over the place.

“Mind the mess.” Kennie said taking a seat behind a small desk next to an open window. She closed it tight as she sat down.

Lia took a seat in a small and uncomfortable chair in front of the desk and faced Kennie.

“I’ve come here looking for an expensive bounty, and since you’re the sheriff in this down, I take it you know all the ins and outs.” She watched as Kennie organized a few papers and set them inside of a drawer behind the desk.

Intertwining her fingers together and placing them on the desk, and smiled. “I do know everything that goes on here.”

She wasn’t going to give anything away easily, but Lia was prepared for that. She pulled the package from beneath her cloak and poured its contents onto the desk. Three small bottles filled with golden liquid clanked together. Kennie’s eyes widened in shock and she reached for the bottles as if possessed by its beautiful glow.

With quick hands, Lia stopped her before she could touch the bottles and looked her dead in her grey eyes. “Information first.” She could see the thirst in the woman’s eyes and the pain behind them as she forced her hands away. These people were so predictable and they would do anything for some magic, any kind of magic, no matter how watered down it was. But, these vials were something completely different and couldn’t be found much on the outside of the King’s walls. They were valuable in this world where  magic was scarce.

[cinderblackwrites]

Re:visiting...

A revisit of my old writing.

Her hair was all done up in a top knot and she made sure to go for less rather than more with her makeup. She was never a big fan of doing too much glam.

Since her first semester of college, she didn’t have much time to go out and the days had begun to sort of blend together. Lately there hadn’t been anything she looked forward to; nothing that made her want to do more than just sit at home and watch movies all snuggled up with her cat Maurice. It was winter, so Clint was off studying for his finals which he took very seriously. He’s a hard worker, she would often remind herself. He has his life completely planned out. He has his own apartment, car and he works part time with his uncle at the restaurant. He’s tall, dark, and handsome and he’s always respected her. He wasn’t a push over and he didn’t always let her get her way, but he was thoughtful. All the things that a girl wanted. So why, after six months, did she still have her guard up?

“Nikki!” Nikki realized she was still staring at herself in the mirror. Mia was on her phone texting fiercely and chewing gum. The yell made her stop and look up.

“She’s probably yelling about the liner.”

“I’ll go give it to her.” Mia said taking it from her hands. “It’ll save you some time to finish getting ready. She raised an eyebrow at Nikki’s current outfit. Nikki looked down and realized she was still wearing pajama bottoms, but had changed her top earlier to a tie dye that said queen in big bold letters.

“I was thinking of dressing down, but now that plans have changed maybe I should just wear jeans and sneakers.”

“Oh stop it. Girl it’s your birthday and we’re going to celebrate at a club. Yeah I might have to work the floor, but the girls will all be there. Don’t let an ex mess this day up for you.”

“I guess-.”

“Now find the tightest, shortest skirt you have in your closet, and make sure the top shows cleavage.” They smiled at one another, but Mia rolled her eyes at the sound of Nia’s voice from down the hall.

“Go. I’ll be ready with something by the time you get back.”

“That fast?”

“I already have something in mind.”

[cinderblackwrites]

Conversations with Cash and Hat #1

Cash: I’ve recently, well not recently, but I spend a lot of time on the internet and I’m always thinking how cool it is that there’s so many people who just end up in communities with friends and stuff just from spending lots of time on the internet.

Hat: Yeah I can see that.

Cash: But like I’ve never actually been a part of something like that. Like real friendships since I was in high school. Like at the end of high school I knew these two people who were like my buddies. We were like polar opposites when we were with other people and we had our own friend groups, but we used to have a class together.

Hat: That’s cool.

Cash: Yeah. And like the class was created in a way that helped you through all four years of high school so I don’t know. So we knew one another fairly well.

Hat: So like a club?

Cash: I guess you could say that.

Hat: Okay.

Cash: Yeah so the three of us would go to this class every day and I have no idea why or how it happened. It was so long ago, but like we just gradually came to really like spending time together and we were like the three amigos or something. It was fun. I felt like we had something.

Hat: Yeah I know what you mean. I’ve had friends like that.

Cash: But things kind of went downhill by senior year and we drifted apart.

Hat: Why?

Cash: I mean we all had our own goals. Like it was our senior year by then so we were all branching out to do our own things and because we were all from different, I don’t know, factions? Of school, it felt weird to still hang out after things were done.

Hat: Damn that sucks.

Cash: Yeah it did. I think we were just dumb kids at the time so we didn’t realize that, even though we were different, that didn’t make it wrong to be friends.

Hat: That’s pretty heartbreaking man.

Cash: Yeah I guess so.

Hat: Well for me, it’s crazy because I’ve literally spent a huge chunk of my life in the house.

Cash: Seriously?

Hat: Yeah. Like from about the age of 19. So like 8 years. So from 19 I’ve literally been just a shut in.

Cash: Why?

Hat: Um. Some shit went down when I was a teen that really fucked up how I see the world and people in it. After that I just never wanted to leave my house.

Cash: So you were alone?

Hat: Nah. I had my family of course. Luckily I’m fortunate enough to have a close nit family where everyone has each other’s backs and if you’re going through some shit like they’ll help you out.

Cash: Yeah.

Hat: But there are times when family can be annoying as shit.

Cash: Oh yeah I definitely understand that.

Hat: Yeah. You just want to have an outlet or someone else to go to. But I never got that because I was sort of scared of the world. So I fucked up and spent my early 20s locked away watching tv and hanging around youtube.

Cash: I had times like that so I get it.

Hat: Yeah but eventually being alone caught up with me. When you’re watching shit on tv you feel like you’re apart of whatever is going on, but then one day I realized I was just a guy sitting in the dark laughing alone.

Cash: Dang. That’s too real.

Hat: It really messed me up. The people on the screen didn’t know me you know. I knew them, but I wasn’t a part of what was going on. They weren’t my friends. That shit sucked. Then I started to realize like overtime, that I didn’t have a place I felt like I belonged to.

Cash: Yeah I get it. There were a lot of times in high school specifically where I would have like out of body experiences as if I was the onlooker to things that were happening in front of me.

Hat: Shits weird.

Cash : It was. 

Hat: But when I realized that I kinda wanted to be a part of something. Like when I see big youtubers and how far they’ve come. From like sitting in their rooms a lone playing video games or just vlogging, to having thousands of fans and making great connections and friends, I’m always thinking, why not me? Like I can do that shit too right? But I don’t know.

Cash: I mean you’re right. People on the internet with big followings seem to have it all by luck. Like just overtime they created a community.

Hat: Yeah. I find that so fucking cool. But now I’m at a point where I want that same thing. Like fuck the money. I mean I would love to do something where I can make money doing shit I love, but I really just want to be a part of a community. Where I can make friends and just laugh and chill. So I’m forcing myself onto this internet shit and creating profiles and being creative in hopes that I’ll make friends. But it’s hard man.

Cash: Yeah. Stuff like that doesn’t happen overnight.

Hat: It doesn’t. Like I really want those connections with other people, but forcing it hurts a little. Like fuck. I want to be this thing but forcing myself in this places just feels pathetic.

Cash: It’s not pathetic.

Hat: Yeah but it feels that way. Like who the hell has to join twitter just to make human interaction with other people?

Cash: That’s normal though.

Hat: Yeah but whatever happened to things that gradually happen? Natural friendships.

Cash: That’s probably a thing of the past. Everything is online. Like unless you’re going to school or working or doing things where you can meet people, I think it’s hard to naturally make friends.

Hat: Fuck. You’re right. I never leave the house anymore (laughter).

Cash: Exactly (laughter).

To Be Continued…

[cinderblackwrites]

Review: Little Fires Everywhere

Hi, I’m MistyReviewer and I’m going to give a short and some-what in depth review for Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng.

 Little Fires Everywhere is a contemporary novel set in a small suburban town in Ohio called Shaker Heights. This place is seen as a Utopia, where most families are well off and affluent, owning their homes, driving nice cars while also having high paying careers and excellent schools for the children. They coin themselves as a progressive community. This novel follows the Richardsons. A picture perfect family who follow all the rules of their society. The mother, Mrs. Richardson, believes that in order to have a good life, you need to follow the rules that society has in place. As Celeste Ng puts it, “The matriarch, Mrs. Richardson, believes that if you follow the rules, you can avoid everything that is unpleasant, unseemly, or disastrous…”. “She is the embodiment of what Shaker Heights is all about”. 

But, these “ideals” are turned on their head when Mia and her daughter Pearl move into town. Mia runs her household the exact opposite of Mrs. Richardson. She is a freelance artist who has lived paycheck to paycheck. Both she and her daughter moved from place to place, never staying for too long as Mia did not like to be tied down.

 While Mrs. Richardson holds order above all, Mia finds happiness through freedom. From the start, both Mrs. Richardson and Mia realize these differences and both are put on edge. This is heightened when a custody battle ensues in the normally quiet paradise, and innocent differences take an ugly turn.

 This novel delves into really hard hitting topics like: sex, race, class, and the justice system. Celeste Ng is an Asian American woman and I love how she integrates her own experiences as an Asian American, in her story. In an interview that I watched, she mentions how she realized that American culture revolves a lot on black and white issues and that everyone else seems “other”. She says that for her, being Asian American was almost as if she were an outsider looking in. Asian Americans are hardly spoken about in the media and they are given hardly any representation. As I watched her speak, I realized how hard of a time she had trying to understand her Chinese culture and who she is as an American born citizen. In the same interview she mentions how hard it is as a mother to teach her own child what being Asian American means. I really appreciated her honesty.

 Another thing that I really appreciated that Celeste Ng added to the story was perspective. A passage in her book reads:

 “One had followed the rules, and one had not. But the problem with rules... was that they implied a right way and a wrong way to do things. When, in fact, most of the time they were simply ways, none of them quite wrong or quite right, and nothing to tell you for sure what side of the line you stood on.”

 While the reader follows along through this blossoming story, she never leans towards one idea. She seems to want the reader to come up with their own decisions and form their own opinions just like the characters themselves. These perspectives come from not only the mothers, but their children, their lovers, their families, their friends and bystanders along for the ride. You clearly understand what the characters are motivated by and it makes it that much harder decide who is right and who is wrong. Because of this, I started to look deeper into who I am. I thought, “If I were in these situations would I be able to choose the right answer?” I wondered if the idea of right and wrong were as black and white. The truth is, I honestly don’t think so. There’s no obvious answer to every question, and even if we believe there is an obvious answer, hearing another side from someone else and get a new perspective can completely alter what we originally thought.

 I believe that Little Fires Everywhere is a great example of understanding what being human truly means. We are more than one thing and we all have stories that shape us. Our paths and our decisions may not always be the answer to everyone’s questions, but they are unique to each and every one of us and that’s why they are so important.

  ★★★★★ 5/5

“

I realize that I am not happy with the life I lead. I always had one kind of life in mind and things have turned out very differently.

”