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[deareverythingeverything]

It's my 5 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[deareverythingeverything]

Dear Chris,

Do you ever think about the crazy times we used to have while riding around in my white Pontiac Sunfire going nowhere? I do all the time. I think about the underground bars, the “non” mainstream music, and thought-provoking movies you introduced me to once upon a time a long time ago. I think about how I use to go into work every day seeing you and feeling your happiness surrounding me and thinking I never wanted the good times to end. But the good times they do end don’t they? One day I woke up and you had quietly disappeared in a very, anti-climatic way. There was no great fight. There was no hurt feelings. There was no animosity or anger. It was just like we took a pause that never really ended and continues to this day. I miss you, why is it that you don’t realize what good company you have until they’re no longer a part of your life. Now there’s only occasional hey how are you doing’s and happy birthday I miss you on Facebook walls. I want to go back to that moment that moment when everything changed so suddenly but so quietly. I want my friend back the one who would talk to me on the phone for hours, who’s house I would go to to crash while watching movies, whose parents adored me. I still can’t knit you know even after your mom spent a whole afternoon trying to teach me, I think the tools and yarn are still in my closet. I miss your dad answering the door when I would come over and him saying hey how are you? He’s downstairs. I don’t even know where you live…how crazy is that? I even miss your parents pugs even though they snored. There’s just so much I miss about our friendship. Do you ever think of me? Do you ever reminisce about the old times? I wonder if I could message you and maybe catch up sometime would that be weird? Just asking for a friend…

Me

[deareverythingeverything]

Dear Sister,

By default I’m suppose to love you because you’re my sister. You are my flesh and blood and to some certain extent I do. But as much as I love you, I hate you just the same. For you are the epitome of what evil truly is. You are a monster and I now understand the saying “you can’t always choose your family”. Because if I had a choice I sure as hell wouldn’t have chosen you. To some the things I’m saying maybe a bit harsh. But the simple truth of the matter is they don’t know you like I know you. You put on different masks for different occasions and different people anyone who doesn’t know you will never question it. But I see you for what you are and my darling sister you are toxic. You looked me dead in my face and said “you fat, ugly bitch, I wish you would die”. Who says that to another person? Who would throw that out into the universe like that? Who would literally wish harm to another person? You took my deepest darkest fears and turned them against me knowing that I would spiral because of your words. You are such a disgusting human being and if I could erase you from my life completely and replace you with a better nicer version of you I would. I wouldn’t even have to think twice about it. I use to think the problem was me that somehow I brought out the worst in you by simply being me. But that’s bullshit there’s nothing wrong with me and I’m not the fucking problem, you fucking are. If trouble had a poster child it would most certainly be you. I can’t go another day with you in my life. I can’t hold other people accountable for their behavior and still allow you to mistreat me. So I’m done you win I’ll walk away because I won’t let you kill me. My piece of mind and sanity mean more. From this day forward I will not think of you, I will not miss you, I will not allow you to tear me down anymore, or harm me in any way shape or form. I don’t have to love you because we are family, I don’t have to allow you to take what little bit of peace I have left, I don’t have to like you because we are sisters. I don’t wish you any ill intentions but I do wish you out of my life. Because after today we are no longer sisters, you are literally nothing to me you are just someone I use to know.

Sheria

[deareverythingeverything]

Dear you,

It’s been years since I’ve heard your voice and even longer since I’ve seen your face. You’ve gotten married and had two babies along the way and I’m still here writing letters to you. I promised myself that I would let you go and for the most part I think I have but every now and again I watch a movie or hear a song and it makes me think of you. It makes me sad because you’re the one person who has really truly broken my heart and I never even got the chance to tell you that what you did to me was awful. That because of you every man after has paid for your sins. It’s because of you I’m so fucked up in the head that when a good man tells me I’m beautiful I automatically think he’s lying. I think there’s motive behind such pretty words.I can’t even enjoy the person staring back at me in the mirror anymore because she’s constantly looking for the faults that make her unlovable. I’ve convinced myself that the reason no one wants me is because I’m not beautiful enough, I’m not skinny enough, I’m not witty enough, I’m just not enough and I don’t know how to fix that. But lord have I tried. But at the end of the day I don’t know how to fix me. I don’t know how to just be. They say time heals all wounds if that’s true why do I still bleed? I wish I could ask you why. I wish that I could figure out how many people you cheated on me with. I wish I knew what was lies and what was the truth. I wish I could just stop. The unanswered questions kill me. The not knowing makes me physically ill. Sometimes I wish I never met you and other times I wish you loved me and couldn’t imagine a world with me not in it. I wish that the thought of never knowing would bring you to your knees. I wish I was it for you. Your family is beautiful, your wife is beautiful and the life you have built is beautiful and that hurts. It hurts to know that, that beautiful life you’ve built only exist because you took everything good from me and broke it. I guess that’s how it goes though, someone has to break so the other can be happy. I hope to one day have that happy life you took from me. I hope to someday have a husband who loves me and protects me the way you should have. I wish I could say this is the last letter I write to you but who knows you and I have a lot of baggage and I’m just now unpacking it. I hope to bury the pain you’ve caused and be able to move on. I hope to have a family of my own with babies who look like the man I love. I hope happiness is the last thing I feel when I think about you because this pain is the choking kind and I don’t want it anymore.

Xoxo,

Me

[deareverythingeverything]

Dear Uncle Richie,

I just wanted to ask you something because I don’t think sitting on this any longer is healthy. Do you dislike me? There use to be a time when I never would have ever questioned if you loved or even liked me. Because I just knew. Now I’m not so sure anymore. Once upon a time I thought of you as some kind of magical super hero. Now I see you as the villain in a story that never should have be written. You pick and choose who you want to say happy birthday to and who seems to be your favorite. For my birthday you said nothing you never once acknowledged me and I know for a fact that I made sure to privately text you to wish you a happy birthday and tell you I love you on your birthday. Because that’s what people do when they love them. They show up. They let them know they care. I’ve always gone above and beyond to make sure you knew that you mattered to me. I’m not really sure what I ever did for things to change so drastically. But the feeling of knowing that one of your favorite people in the world wants nothing to do with you cuts deep. I get that for awhile you and my mom had your issues and that siblings fight but I don’t think you should have punished me and my siblings for the rift between you and my mom. I don’t want to speak for my siblings but I miss you, yes even as a grown adult I still miss you. Our family is one screwed up mess if you ask me. No one says what they mean or thinks about how their actions effect the others in our family. l’m just so freaking tired of having to put on my armor and steel myself against you and everyone in our family. Why does it have to be like this? Why can’t we all just love one another and get along? I want my family back the way it use to be when grandma was still alive but I won’t sacrifice my happiness and well-being to try and make you love me. I still remember staying the night at your old apartment because I wanted to hangout with you and auntie Shana, I remember the cookouts at your old house, I remember you stopping by our old house to hangout. I miss that uncle. I miss the guy who use to sit and talk with me as a child. He was a good guy, a cool guy. Shit maybe I made that guy up and you really are a miserable asshole and just hide it really well. If that’s who you are I’m old enough now that you don’t have to pretend or hide the real you. I don’t know but I’d like to think that just maybe you give a shit about me too. But just in case I won’t hold my breath that things will get better between us. I just needed you to know that I miss you.

Love,

Your niece

[deareverythingeverything]

Dear PCOS,

I hate you. Hate is a very strong word and should never be thrown out lightly, so with careful consideration and without a shadow of a doubt I can say wholeheartedly that I hate you. I still remember being 17 going to my very first gynecologist appointment alone and being informed that you were the reason for my irregular periods. I was so young and PCOS wasn’t really talked about back then. I really wish there had been more information. I wish I would have asked more questions but I was only 17 and scared. I wish I would have known that because of you I would experience hair loss or the even uglier truth that I’d grow hair in places women should never have to. You conveniently forgot to mention that I would be so embarrassed of my own body that I would fall into a deep depression that would force me to hide. Your the reason that I gain weight and my body can’t fight it off, due to my body not being insulin resistant and even when I choose to eat less, never indulge in second helpings or almost always choose the healthier options the weight just won’t come off so easily. I wish you would have told me that infertility was going to be a big issue in my life and how difficult it would be to become pregnant even though you’ve known all along it’s the one thing I’ve craved the most. Thank you for not warning me how physically exhausting it can all be. You’ve made my body a weapon against me. I spend months not knowing if I’ll have a period and months knowing that my period will soak everything insight for shits and giggles apparently. You are the reason I spend so many late nights at the ER because the pain is always threatening to rip me in half. I see my OBGYN more than I see my family and friends. I’m so scared I’ll end up with endometrial cancer and never get to experience motherhood. You’ve been laughing at me for far too long PCOS and I’m done. I’m going to learn how to love this body that you keep trying to take away from me and destroy. I will learn to heal and take back my head, heart and my body from you. I just wish it hadn’t taken so long to figure out how to fight you but everyday I’m trying and at the end of the day that’s all I can do. That has to count for something. I don’t know what’s going to be the outcome of this journey but I know I’m not going to give up. I’m no longer going to be a passenger in my own damn life. So do your worst PCOS I’m fucking ready this time.

Kindly fuck off,

Me

[deareverythingeverything]

Dear Mom’s side of the family,

I’m not really sure what my sisters and I ever did to make you hate us or strongly dislike us you take your pick. But the feeling of never belonging in your own family sucked. All we ever wanted to do was belong. We walked on egg shells, we tried to erase ourselves and be the people you wanted us to be. Nothing ever worked though. We were always isolated, left out of things, made to feel inferior to all of you. For the longest time I thought that y’all could see the brokenness inside me and that’s why you hated me so. But that’s ridiculous I was a child and you adults, should have loved and protected us. Now it years later and your kids follow in your footsteps and it’s heartbreaking. But I can’t spend my life walking on eggshells hoping y’all will love me. I won’t jump through anymore hoops to be part of a family that could give two shits about me and my siblings. I’ve finally realized that you’re not better than me or my siblings, you’re not inferior to us. I’m not 7 anymore and I’m not desperate for love and attention. I will fight back and I won’t allow you to make me feel so small. I’ve finally started to realize that family is what you make if it. It doesn’t have to be biological to mean your a family. Over the years I’ve meet some awesome people who I now consider to be part of my extended family. They love me, they root for me and genuinely care to see me succeed. That saying “you can’t always choose your family, but you can pick your friends” is bullshit and I can absolutely pick and choose my family. If your toxic and you don’t give two fucks about my life or my well-being than I don’t have to keep you around, I don’t have to make myself ill trying to be part of a family that does not want me. So fuck it, I’m done trying I’m gonna live my life and I’m gonna continue to love the people who love me and show up for the people who make an effort to show up for me it’s literally that simple. No need to respond years of silence has been enough for me.

Kindest Regards,

Sheria

[deareverythingeverything]

Dear MB

Dear MB,

I’m sorry. I know it’s years to late and you hate me now but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m truly sorry. I broke something that wasn’t even mine to break. I ruined a relationship and severed two important friendships in my life and for that I’m so fucking sorry. When I think about my actions and the part that I played in you and AB’s break up I feel sick to my stomach. I cringe at my behavior towards the both of you. I was petty and hurtful. I broke your trust. For a long time I justified my actions by saying that I did what, I did because AB was one of my closest friends and she went behind my back and pursued you when she knew how I felt about you. She listened to me talk about you for hours on in, she encouraged me to pursue you. While failing to mention that you two were already dating. But that’s bullshit we both know that. I was selfish and I was reckless and I hurt you, AB and myself in the process and I take full responsibility for that. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t miss you and ourfriendship. I can’t sit with this guilt anymore it’s eating me alive and I wish that I could say this face-to-face but you’ve completely cut me out of your life and rightfully so. I hurt you and there’s no coming back from that. I wish I could go back in time and change things, I wish I could’ve been more understanding, I wish I could’ve seen past my own hurt feelings and really saw what was blossoming right before my eyes. I know that you’ve moved on and you’re married now and have kids and that AB is happy and content in her new relationship with someone she truly loves. I just wish I could be there to enjoy it with you. Looking back I was young and I was dumb and I’m not that person anymore. I understand that actions have consequences and that everyone pays a price when everything is said and done. I’m sorry that you were my lesson that I had to learn. I hope that someday you can forgive me. I keep praying that someday I’ll get the chance to make amends. I know I don’t have the right to ask you to forgive me but I still wish that you would because I miss my friend. AB forgave me and we’ve moved passed my reckless behavior. We’ll never be as close as we once were but there still is a friendship. I worked really hard to fix it and she allowed me to. I wish that I had the same opportunity with you. I guess the only thing I can be grateful for is that there’s always tomorrow and the next day and the next day after that for me to continue hoping that there’s a chance that you’ll forgive me and I’ll get my friend back. Until then I wish you nothing but peace, love and happiness wherever you are.

Sincerely,

Me

[deareverythingeverything]

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

Every once in awhile I feel like I can still feel you near. Like you never went away. I close my eyes and I swear I can still see your face, I can still hear your voice. I know it’s crazy and you’ve been gone a long time now decades to be exact, but it doesn’t mean I miss you any less. The worst part about you being gone is all the what if’s. I’ll never know what you could have become, I’ll never know if we would have still stayed friends even now, would we have gone to prom, graduated, gone to college together, started our first real adult jobs, gotten married. All these things will forever be blank for you and it’s the not knowing that kills me. Years ago I was heading to work and I was stopped at a red light and for some reason I looked to my left and for a split second I swear I saw you the light from the sun reflected on another car or a bike or something who knows all I know is I could see you. My chest felt tight and I thought I would be sick. I rolled down my window preparing to scream your name or signal you to come to me but the light from the sun dimmed, the stop light turned green and the car behind me honked I looked again and I realized it wasn’t you. My heart sank and I remembered it couldn’t be you because you were gone and had been for years. I would have given anything for it to have been you. I’ve carried you in my heart all these years since you’ve been gone and I hope you know you were loved and continue to be loved. I miss you something awful my dear sweet friend and wish you were here. I wish that your life hadn’t been interrupted. I hope you’re in heaven dancing and that you’ve found the peace I’ve been searching for. I hope to see you again one day. I love you to the moon and beyond all the stars my friend take care until we meet again.

Xoxo,

Sheria

[deareverythingeverything]

Dear Love

Dear Love,

I write you so often it feels like you’re only away at war. But the truth is you don’t exist. Not now anyway at least. How do I miss you when I don’t even know you? The ache for you is real though. The need to love you strong. I’ve prayed for you, cried for you and longed for you. I’ve tried dating services, dating apps, websites, and blind dates to no avail. I wonder if I’ll ever know you, if I’ll ever be wrapped up in your loving embrace. Where have you gone? I’ve searched high and low for you. I’ve been to heaven, I’ve been to hell, I’ve swam oceans near and far, I’ve talked to love experts, I’ve gone seeking you in my dreams. But it’s always the same result. I always come up empty handed. No matter how many prayers I send up, wishing stars I wish on, lucky numbers I count to your always just out of my reach. Like a myth whispered on passing lovers tongues. Sometimes I trace my lips with my finger tips and try to remember the taste of a flading moment when I was high on the promise of falling in love. But time waits for no one and I’m still searching for you. Still looking for signals to point me home to you. If by some chance you read this (I’m praying this gets passed on so that the odds are forever in my favor) please find me, please make me yours, let me give you all that I am because I swear I’m worth it. I swear I was meant to love you. I’ll love you fiercely and I’ll love you deeply, I’ll love you truly, I’ll love you madly, I’ll love you forever. So this is my love letter to you. This is my promise to never give up on the hope that one day we’ll meet. This is me putting my faith in God, the universe and anything else out there that will help me find my way to you. I’m here, I’m waiting, I’m yours. I’m so ready to do this forever and ever thing called love with you.

Xoxo,

Me

[deareverythingeverything]

Dear Mr. Torres

Dear Mr. Torres,

Thank you for introducing me to my love of writing and storytelling. Thank you for once upon a time seeing past a broken 16 year old girl with a lot of anger, disappointment and sadness raging around inside of her. It’s because of you that I learned to use my voice. I can tell my story now because you believed in me. You didn’t have to give me chance after chance but you did. You told me once that words can heal you if you let them. I didn’t believe you at first but these days I must admit there is a certain kind of magic in the way a story or poem is thread together and can slowly unfold. You rallied for me, you fought to make sure I wasn’t dismissed because sometimes I couldn’t get out of bed, you read my journals and saw my pain and decided to help me anyway. I thank you for the time and energy it took you to dissect all that chaos and jumbled mess behind all those words. You gave me room to grow, to figure out how to breathe. Depression can really take a toll on a person you never let me float away like I wanted to. You taught me to always remember to save me first. I can never repay you for your kindness. Sometimes I wonder where you are, I wonder if you’re still teaching, if you’ve met another me along the way, do you ever think of me? My gratitude just doesn’t seem like enough but I give it to you freely anyways. Wherever you are I hope your generosity, hope and faith is still continuing to touch troubled souls because you’re an amazing teacher and human being and everyone needs a Mr. Torres in their corner helping fight for for them, advocating for them. Having someone like you in their corner will always be a beautiful thing. You touched my soul when it wasn’t very easy too do. I wanted you to know I’m still here and I’m still breathing. I’m still a mess but everyday I wake up and do my best to live my life, so thank you.

Xoxo,

Me

[deareverythingeverything]

Dear Phillip,

If my 11 year old self only knew what the future would hold I think I would have tried harder to enjoy being young and exploring puppy love with you. I’ve never had that slow burning feeling of sweet love since you. I remember not knowing it was love but knowing I wanted to spend all my time with you. Things were simpler than, time was not moving at the speed of light. Hope was still deeply rooted in my heart and forever seemed like it really was in my reach. Who knew that time and circumstances would be our downfall. I still remember holding your hand and feeling the magic flowing through our joined hands extending all the way to out finger tips and feeling like I was floating. I still remember everything my young heart loved about you. I wonder how you are and where you are now. I know that for awhile you were lost and pulled into the darkness and no matter how much I wanted to save you I knew I couldn’t. I really hope you’ve pulled yourself out of the darkness. I really hope you are living a very happily ever after. I’d like to think you opened up your very own tattoo parlor like you wanted to and that your married somewhere with 2.5 kids and a dog living in Colorado drinking Coors Lite or a nice cold Fat Tire beer. Every once in awhile I dig into the memories in the back of my mind and pull out our fondest memories and smile. Because for a brief moment in time before life took root we were young, we were courageous, we were wild, we were in love, we were free, and we had time. I will never be in that phase of my life again and that’s okay because I’m so glad I got to spend it with you. I’m me because of what we shared once upon a time. I’ll never forget you Phillip, you are the reason I learned to leap and take chances when I was afraid. I’ll forever be grateful that you kissed me at camp while holding my chubby little hand. I hope one day I’ll receive a friend request on one of my social media platforms and it will be you and we’ll be able to catch up and relish in the fact that life turned out just the way it should have.

XoXo

Me

[deareverythingeverything]

Dear Me,

I wish I could tell you that this fight is over and the pain you feel will fade away. I promised you I’d never lie to you, so I won’t start now. The battle has not yet been won and it’s hard to sit back and watch you beat yourself up without stepping in and not saying anything. I’m so sorry I left you alone to face the darkness. I’m sorry the loneliness kills you inside. I’m so sorry I didn’t love you enough first. I’m sorry I played hockey with your heart destroying it in the process. I know you feel like given up and that truly kills me inside. I miss you. Please get better soon because I need you. I watched you take the pills out and count them while sobbing praying to God to just make you whole or let you go and now all I want to do is heal you. How can you not see what everyone else sees? You’re truly your own worst enemy and I wish I could help you fight these demons who keep you trapped inside your own head. I heard the artist Hope sing once “and you know the rain won’t last forever, and you know the storm won’t always flow but if the sun don’t shine forever you gotta let it go”. You have to remember that you matter and if you weren’t in this world you would be truly missed. I can’t turn back the hands of time and shield you from everything that did or will hurt you, I can’t undo all the damage I’ve done to you, all I can do is show up now promise to put you first and make an effort to get better. No longer will I keep my head in the sand. I promise to love you fiercely, to protect you from the things that mean to cause you harm including me. Please forgive me.

Xoxo Sheria

[deareverythingeverything]

I feel like we’ve met. Your words talk to me. They are beautiful. What’s your biggest fear ?

My biggest fear is that I’ll never feel complete and yours?

[deareverythingeverything]

Dear J,

I made a promise to myself this year. I wouldn’t accept anything less than what I deserve when it comes to men and relationships. 2019 I spent way to much time trying to make one man fall in love with me and trying to get another one to listen to my wants and needs and it left me hollow. I care a lot about you J I’ve made it no secret. But I’m slowly starting to realize that you don’t and all you’ve wanted from me from the beginning was my body and so foolishly I gave it to you without asking for more and that’s fine because I should have been clear about wanting a real relationship with you and not just a physical one. I should have told you what I wanted and needed from you instead I stayed silent and let you make me feel awful about myself. I let you make me feel like I wasn’t good enough. The more I think about it you’ve always told me and shown me that this was one sided and I just chose to turn a blind eye because I guess I thought I could change your mind. I can’t do that anymore I won’t do that anymore. I’m not upset or mad about how things have played out between us because it is what it is but I think it’s safe to say that we should probably just part ways and continue on like we have been not communicating. I wish you nothing but the best. I hope you can find someone you connect with and can build a life with. Because let’s be honest here I’m obviously not her and you will never put forth effort to build a life with me and I can’t keep putting my life on pause for you. I want the happily ever after, I want marriage and kids with someone who truly wants me. I really thought that you could have been the one. But I think I’m just tired of being alone and imagined how you treated me vs the reality of our situation. I’ve blocked you in my phone and on all social media platforms. You’re gonna get one hell of a shock when you try to booty call me and realize you can’t get a hold of me. I thought it best I quit you cold turkey so no conversation just moving on. I won’t miss you this time.

Me

[deareverythingeverything]

Dear Boy,

One day you will grow into a man and fall in love with a woman who’s been broken. She will not truly know her own self worth, she won’t believe you when you tell her she’s beautiful. Where you see the most exquisite human being in the world she only sees destruction, pain and chaos. You will one day succeed in stealing her heart be gentle and handle it with care. See it’s been damaged a time or two and she’s not sure it can make it through another round of kickball you see. Please don’t give up on her. Show her that love can be more than just pain. Sit with her in the dark until she can face the light again. Remind her that you choose to stay because there’s no other place for you to go she is it for you. Make her believe that you see her and that your heart is where her home is. Because she is worth it. If you stay and peel back her bruised layers you’ll see she’s everything you’ve always prayed for and more. There will come a day when you will have to prove that you are all in till the very end please prove to her that risking her heart is worth it. See she just needs to feel safe and wanted. Her whole life she’s tried to not let the weight of world on her shoulders bury her but sometimes it feels like she’s falling short. She’ll feel like she has nothing left to give please push her to give you more anyway. Give her your hand and lift her up so that she can rise above the confusion, destruction and pain. One day she’ll need a man and not a boy this will be the moment you prove to her that not all men are alike. Please know that sometimes she won’t have the strength to fight so you’ll have to fight the monsters that live inside of her head until she’s strong enough too fight beside you. Take the time to show her what real love is all about because there will be times when she won’t be able to love herself. Please show her that she is more than the scars written around her heart. Please boy be the man she needs. If you can’t be that man let her go don’t be just another boy who simply wrecks her and leaves her destroyed. Because she deserves more and shouldn’t have to settle for less. Please be the more.

Sincerely She,

[deareverythingeverything]

Dear 2020,

I hope this year your kind to me and my heart. I hope to take you by the hand and jump deep into the unknown without doubt. I want to trust that you will lead where I am meant to follow. I hope that you will take me to places I’ve never been before and that you show me how to sit in content with just love flowing within me and around me. I hope that the roads you lead me to take me to the home of the heart that was meant for me. Please bless everyone out there who is struggling, feels lost or alone. Show them that they are loved and wanted in this world. Please help fight the demons that rage inside my head and cause chaos where there shouldn’t be any. Please let the depression, anxiety and panic attacks not be the only constant things in my life this year. This year I want to actually live. Please just send me a sign let me know that hope is still out there and that you hear me and I am not alone. I long to connect with someone to know that my soul belongs to another person out there somewhere. This year please let me let go of all the pain and hurt of relationships that have past let me build more healthier stronger relationships. 2020 please let me leap with faith and land somewhere great. Please let this year be my year. I’m speaking this into existence and claiming that everything will finally fall into place. 2020 I’m trusting you.

Kind Regards

Me