fatherlessmoth - Tumblr blog

[fatherlessmoth]

What is the point?

It just hit me pretty hard that with how things are looking in America, I will likely never own a house. My fiance works and provides for both us and her family that we live with. I'm disabled physically, and even if/when I'm better, I'm disabled mentally. I can't get on disability. The only support I have is food stamps that isnt solely for us and only make enough to last not even a week. I have no job. I could get *some* financial aid and go to college, but then what? Most graduates STILL have a hard time finding a job. Even then, that's still 60+ hour work weeks. And even then, I'm 21 and I'm not able to do anything like that yet. My parents are neglectful, abusive assholes, one is deceased and the other lives across the state. I don't have any other family that lives close to me. I play video games every day for most of the day or i dissociate it away on tiktok. I don't have any real life friends, I don't have a car or transportation, I don't have any ability to do outside hobbies or things that require physicality. I sit and I wait for my fiance to get home. Every. Day. I try to find my faith in God and I pray and I feel something for a while, and then that's gone too. I get better at personal hygiene but have nowhere to go and nothing to do, so why bother? I felt like my mental health was getting better but here I am, 21 years old, September 2023 sitting in bed typing out this vent, realizing how much I just dissociate away everything. When will it end? Am I going to go anywhere? Do I wait for a miracle to happen? There's a housing crisis, inflation is getting worse, and there's nothing I can do or say about it. There's nothing I can do period. I'm stuck here, stuck like this indefinitely. Will things ever change?

[fatherlessmoth]

My partner just said "you aren't in your villain era you're having an episode" and if that isn't the ultimate cluster b culture idk what is

[fatherlessmoth]

HPD culture is getting genuinely pissed off and lashing out whenever one of your friends starts self-depricating and ignoring your reassurances that they're wrong

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[fatherlessmoth]

bpd culture is your parents never forcing you to do a certain activity as a kid so you spend most of 50% your free time trying not to have thoughts and the other 50% thinking about everything you have ever said to anyone and everything that has happened to you. Sometimes you wonder what’s it like living in the real world and not in your mind prison where you’re the inmate but also the guard with the keys in your pocket.

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[fatherlessmoth]

bpd culture is loving pwnpd so much. all narcissists get 🫶🫶🫶 love and hugs

and pwaspd!! y'all are all super cool <3

and pwhpd(which i have as well)! you deserve all the attention in the world!!

us cluster b mfs got to stick together. and fellow pwbpds, we need to use our place as the least stigmatized cluster b disorder(yes i know bpd is heavily stigmatized, but still less than the others) to uplift our cluster siblings.

*absolutely* - this blog will always stand with the whole cluster. 🤍

[fatherlessmoth]

BPD culture is people thinking pwBPD are like hot and sexy yanderes when actually it’s (at least for me) “FP hasn’t responded in 5 minutes I’m going to kms”

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[fatherlessmoth]

you are not disgusting for the kink you developed from trauma

you are not gross for the kink you developed from trauma

you are not a monster for developing the kink you did

if your kink involves reenacting your trauma you are not romanticizing or sexualizing your trauma

you are wonderful just as you are

[fatherlessmoth]

Why does it have to be so hard to die? Why can't I just press a button and make things go away forever without hurting anyone in the process? Why can't I just know that the afterlife is a much better place than this 100% so I can ve confident enough to go through with what's waiting for me anyway?

Death is inevitable. I just wanna go home

[fatherlessmoth]

[fatherlessmoth]

i will never leave this house

[fatherlessmoth]

im a burden on everyone who knows me. i dont know how to live life, im just simply existing in limbo waiting for things to happen when they may or they may not. my entire existence is cursed. my family failed me. my friends have grown distant. i have everything i could want -- an amazing fiance, a stable home, a life without my abusive dad, and i just got my emotional support cat back. but i think this is the worst condition my brain has ever been in and i dont know how to talk about it. i eat and shit and sleep under a roof solely because my fiance works her ass off. i dont work. i get up, play games, dissociate. i dont have my own free will -- not now, not ever. i may one day but can i really hold out that long? can i keep going? will i keep going?

and the worst part is, at any given moment all of these feelings could make a complete turn around and i could be so happy for the smallest reason. thats the beauty of bpd i guess. but the question is which mindset is the 'real' one? which one makes the most sense? am i clearer than ever, or am i in a deep episode that i dont even know how to comprehend? ive been having more ptsd episodes and blackouts lately so maybe this is just an episode. idk.

im just so, so so so so so so so so so so tired

[fatherlessmoth]

[fatherlessmoth]

Self harm doesn’t always happen when a blade touches skin.

It’s skipping meals because you don’t feel like you deserve to eat today. It’s having sex because you want to be used or abused or defiled. It’s drinking recklessly because you might have the ‘courage’ do something stupid. It’s smoking - not because you need the nicotine - because you know it’s bad for you. It’s banging your head against a wall when you’re angry. It’s crossing the road without looking because you lowkey hope a car might hit you. It’s thinking about all the ways you could break a bone and make it look like an accident. It’s not taking painkillers because you want to suffer. It’s taking painkillers in excess because you know it’s dangerous. It’s walking home the more dangerous way because you’re kind of half hoping you’ll get attacked or raped or stabbed. It’s going for long walks at night and getting chilled to the bone and hoping that you get lost so that you can’t find your way back. It’s seeking out triggering material. It’s all the stupid little ways you punish yourself for existing.

Sometimes self harm happens when you put effort into depriving yourself of things you like or need, and sometimes it happens when you don’t put any effort into doing the things you like or need.

It’s a pattern of self-destructive behaviour, and it doesn’t only happen in one way.

This sort of behavior is classified as “para-suicidal” It’s putting yourself in a situation of danger or destruction with the intention of risking your safety rather than a direct attempt on your life. Kind of, leaving it all to chance? Also doing things to harm yourself or your self worth because you feel you deserve to feel the outcome of those actions.

[fatherlessmoth]

[fatherlessmoth]

[fatherlessmoth]

i just want all my secrets back, i don’t want anyone to know anything about me anymore.

[fatherlessmoth]