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[hearthcraft-adventures]

Blessed Yule, Happy Solstice, Merry Christmas

I was not expecting to have taken as long a break as I did from posting, but I also do not exactly post frequently. The holidays, for me, are simultaneously extremely difficult and my favorite time of year. From September through New Year's, it is all about spending time with the people you love.

Last year, the circle of people that I can spend time with shrank tremendously. This year, that was incredibly sad. Christmas Eve I sat at home, wrapping gifts for those I am going to see, having a Prosecco Cider (thanks, Bold Rock), and crying. I texted a friend who knows all the details of last Christmas Eve, we talked a bit about that, spirituality, where we're going on our journeys, I suddenly felt compelled to offer Baldur one of my favorite bottles of primitivo (which I did), and was then compelled to drink the beer I had offered to Thor a while ago (the intuition had been to leave it on the altar until I needed to feel protected), and by the time George arrived I felt a lot better.

If I really think about it, I started getting antsy around early November. That is when the anxiety started, probably because I normally spend Thanksgiving with one of my dad's brothers and his family ; that is, unfortunately, no more, given that one of his daughters was the cousin involved in the events of last Christmas Eve. Thanksgiving for me, instead of the usual happy family gathering, was a tense visit to see my mom at Aunt Ellen's (her sister), where my sister and her partner came. It's mother's last chance to be involved in Abi's life at all. This Christmas, rather than the Feast of the Seven Fishes at one of dad's sister's, as was the previous tradition, I was at Aunt Ellen's with mom and George.

I probably freaked out about that meeting a lot more than I should have. Mom was on her best behavior, which was nice. But she still made me uncomfortable. She refuses to call me by my name consistently, preferring to deadname me, pet my arms a bunch at dinner (I had a mesh shirt as a part of my outfit that had velvet on the sleeves), and at one point said if George was older she would want to date him. My sister was also deadnamed repeatedly, and even though she was not present, it was still uncomfortable - I thought the visit was about to go to Hell when I called my mom out on her behavior and she, per her usual, got defensive and acted like it was not her fault.

But, I digress.

If anything, this holiday season has showed me that next year is the time to make my own holiday traditions. I had already talked to George about how I think I want us to do Thanksgiving next year - a party with all our friends, with a spread of everyone's favorite foods instead of a traditional turkey - and he is on board with it. George does not come from "holiday people", as he says, but he supports that the season is important to me and thinks it will be fun to have our own traditions.

But Christmas Eve, I needed to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to let out all the pain that I have felt for a whole year. Because from Thanksgiving to Christmas Eve, I kept re-living last Christmas Eve. I was anxious driving at night, I was jittery, and I would suddenly want to break down sobbing at work and not know why. By the time I was getting ready to go to bed, one of my astrology apps had given me a notification for a meditation specifically to release energy from past events, call back energy, and reset the emotional connection to those events. (And people say astrology and these apps are fake). I did the meditation, and I feel much lighter than I did.

When talking to my friends and co-workers, I realized that the holidays are both fun and sad for a lot of people. Sometimes, it can be difficult to focus on the joy. But by leaning on joy, it lessens the sting of the hurt. By focusing on what we have to be happy about, and treating ourselves gently, we can keep the spirit of peace, compassion, and kindness. For me, the holidays are becoming a heavy reminder of those things. I cannot wait to see what they look like for me next year.

[hearthcraft-adventures]

Daily Rune

One of the things I have done for a few months now is pull a daily tarot card. The point of the exercise is to help me connect with my deck and my intuition. Lately, I have also begun to pull a daily rune. I have wanted to seriously learn the runes for a while, but they always seemed more intimidating than tarot. When I think of the runes, I always thought of ancient knowledge combined with a strong connection to the otherworld, the ancestors, and I always thought I was not "ready" or not "capable" enough.

I was missing the point, of course.

The connections with the ancestors and the otherworld comes with years of study and practice. In that sense, I am still a beginner. And being a beginner is perfectly acceptable. Just like one does not master tarot in a day, the same goes for reading the runes. Each rune has so many different interpretations - it is intimidating. I finally decided that I am going to get over myself and learn them. While my time for serious study is limited, at the very least I can pull one each day with my tarot card and see what patterns I find.

This week, I had Othala come up as my daily rune twice.

The first time it came up, I knew strongly that it was here because I need to really get into ancestor work. Those that came before me want to work with me, and they want to help me succeed. That was such an encouragement. It made me feel like I am about to go through some wonderful growth, both as a person and as a witch. It gave me confidence, because it reminded me that I walk with 10,000+ ancestors behind me, that all want to see me conquer the world.

The second time, I thought it was to reinforce my need to do ancestor work. However, later on in the day, my sister had a panic attack at work and I had to take her home. (For context, we are coworkers). Othala is a family-oriented rune. In that sense, I am not surprised that Othala was my daily rune on a day that my sister needed me. It was also a reminder of how different the runes are to tarot.

Drawing a rune with a tarot card, though, has been interesting. Today, for example, my card was the Empress. She is associated with natural cycles, creativity, and abundance. The rune was Jera, the rune of the year and...natural cycles. There have been many days since I started doing this where the rune appears to "match" the tarot card. I think it is amazing and beautiful that two different completely forms of divination could line up so consistently.

Needless to say, I am wicked excited to continue learning and see where my journey takes me.

[hearthcraft-adventures]

Friends Hold Friends Accountable

Last night, I pissed off a friend of mine. And if I'm being perfectly honest, if I said I was sorry I would be lying.

I admit that the way I spoke to him was blunt. When I say I am blunt, I mean I am blunt in the way that people from Eastern Europe are blunt - if someone is being an idiot, I tell them. Unapologetically. (Do not ask for my opinion if you do not genuinely want it). This is not because I am trying to be an asshole. I have a difficult time conveying what I mean if I also need to pause for a few centuries to figure out how to tiptoe around someone's feelings. It is just a skill I never learned. But here's approximately how the conversation went :

Friend A : I don't think that Friend B wants to be my friend anymore.

Me : Understandable. You were kind of a dick to them. And by "dick", I mean, "you were an absolute shithead".

Friend A : I don't think it was that bad.

Me : Uhhh, yeah. If someone did to me what you did to Friend B, I would end them.

We talked a bit more, I said he should come over to play chess again after work sometime, and I later received a text from Friend A that said, "I feel disheartened, angry, & sad with some of the things you said about me - to me. No, I don't want to come over."

Here's some more context.

Friend A and Friend B had an extremely brief relationship. If one can call it that. Friend B told Friend A that they were absolutely not going to sleep with them unless it was clear that there was commitment happening. Friend A has lots of commitment issues, and had stated before that they typically are into people with [not Friend B's physical features]. Friend B made it very clear that while they would be potentially interested in a relationship with Friend A, they had reservations based on what information they already knew about Friend A, from Friend A. At some point, I am hanging out with Friend A, Friend B, and George. I saw Friends A & B holding hands and I ask if they are an item, to which Friend A responds, "Yes". This made Friend B feel secure, and think that Friend A was serious about a relationship. Later that night, they slept together, and then Friend A immediately told Friend B that he did not think he was ready for this, so sorry, and throughout the exchange kept reiterating that Friend B is "not [his] type".

I think that I may have been interpreted as calling Friend A a bad person. I do not think that. He is typically quite sweet, but he has a lot he needs to unpack (ideally in therapy). I also do not believe that anyone ever intends to be malicious. When he initially broke it off with Friend B, he told me that he had just panicked, and then realized that it was a mistake, but did not know how to fix it. Friend B, of course, is still upset, and has every right to be.

The point I am trying to make is, whatever one's intentions are, whatever their circumstances, they still need to be accountable for their actions. I see a lack of accountability in society today, especially amongst people that are supposed to be friends with each other. If someone is really my friend, I expect them to hold me accountable, and I, likewise, will be holding them accountable. That is just what friends do. If I consider myself to be your friend, I want to see you grow as a person and prosper. As I am sure we all know, growth is often uncomfortable.

I recognize that I should have tried to be more tactful, but to be honest I was more concerned with getting the message across in that moment. I am trying to figure out a way to word a response text that, in short, says, "I do not think you are a bad person, and I do not think you wanted to hurt Friend B, but your actions are, nonetheless, inexcusable. Because no matter how someone looks at it, no matter how much of your perspective & where you're coming from is understood, it does not make the situation not, 'I used this person for sex'. Whether you realize it or not, that is what happened".

Maybe I should just say that.

It might also be worth stating that if Friend A does not want the kind of friendship that has accountability, we should probably not be friends.

This is the kind of conversation I would want to sit down with someone and have a drink over, but I also know that is not going to happen. The conversation above also happened in the parking lot outside of work, and it definitely should not have been a parking lot conversation.

[hearthcraft-adventures]

Self-Care

Anyone who knows me well will most likely tell you that I am a "recovering" workaholic. Even as I type this, I work full-time at one job, part-time at another, am pursuing my Master's degree, and am trying to start my own practice as a death doula. On top of that, I try my best to maintain a social life, make time for my hobbies, and go on adventures.

The one thing that I always tend to put off is self-care.

Which is the last thing I should be ignoring.

Last night, my partner and I went to Silver Spring, MD, to see Lacuna Coil. Oh my god, it was amazing. Going to shows is one of the ways I let myself decompress. Last week, when I was in death doula class in New Holland, PA, we took a side-trip up to Scranton to see Motionless in White. Next month, I am seeing Sabaton and Wardruna. In November, Minuit Machine.

One of the things that was a key point in INELDA's death doula class was self-care. If you are not caring for yourself, how can you care for others? One of the things they asked us in class was, "How many of you like to be out in nature?...When was the last time you actually got out in nature?"

I had already planned to go see MiW while I was in Pennsylvania, but it really hit home with me because I have a horrible habit of neglecting myself. I internalized at a young age that my purpose in life is to take care of others - and if I was taking care of myself, I was not taking care of others, and that was bad (and, therefore, made me "bad"). I need reminders to slow down. I have lofty goals, and I know I will meet them. But if I am on the go 100% of the time, then I will burn out. I was burned out before I was 25, and I can tell you from experience that it can take years to recover from burnout. Not days. Not weeks. Not months. Years.

So here I am, about to be 28, and I feel like I am finally getting my life started. Part of me wants to admonish myself for "wasting time", but how is that fair to me? Everything happens in its own time. I probably needed to experience burnout so I could start to unlearn all my unhealthy habits around not taking care of myself. While that is still a work in progress, I acknowledge that I have come so far. I am making time for things I love to do that allow me to actually unplug and check out from all my responsibilities, and even though that also takes energy it is more renewing than draining.

TL;DR

Take time for you. Unapologetically. You deserve it.

[hearthcraft-adventures]

I keep seeing ads for Wordpress whenever I open the Tumblr app on my phone. While I have attempted to maintain blogs on Wordpress in the past, and part of me kind of wants a "formal" blog again, I think that Tumblr is a better fit for me. It is more informal, and I feel a lot less pressure for posts to be "perfect".

Could be fun, though. We will see how long Tumblr can keep my attention first.

[hearthcraft-adventures]

Be Kind, Even If They're Not

My primary life philosophy is to be aggressively nice and recklessly kind. To everyone. Period. No judgment, just compassion.

However, this has made me a doormat time and time again over the years. So now I have my secondary and tertiary life philosophies : "Try me, bitch", and, "Play stupid games, win stupid prizes".

The main reason why I have my primary life philosophy, if you have not already guessed, is that I have had plenty of people be complete and total assholes to me over the years. Be them classmates, "friends", the general population (most of my job experience has been retail), family, "family" (yes, there is a difference (but that is a post for another time) ), partners...you get the idea. I know what it is like to be treated like dogshit, to feel worthless, and I do not want to contribute to anyone else ever feeling like that. Ever. That does not mean I am going to be successful 100% of the time - I am not perfect. But making the effort is what matters.

Aggressive and reckless kindness can look like different things depending on you, the day, and who you are being kind to. It can be something small, like stopping in at work on your day off to bring someone their favorite treat when you know they are working more than usual, or the typical "grand gesture" to someone who really needs it.

One time, I was coming home from work with all the leftover pizza from a super bowl party, since nobody wanted it. At a stoplight, someone knocked on my window and asked if I could spare him anything to buy groceries. I gave him an entire pizza. Another time, a previous partner picked up takeout from an Italian place that had the menu in Italian ; unfortunately for him, he did not know any Italian, did not Google anything, and ordered me veal, which I will not eat. I took the meal and drove until I found someone on a median, and they were ecstatic to receive a hot meal in the middle of winter. I try to leave snacks and water bottles in my car year-round for if I am at a stoplight and there is someone on the corner or in the median asking for help.

But this is about more than the grand gesture of doing something great for someone who really needs it. We all need encouragement, and we all want to feel supported. I tell my friends I love them, I compliment people whenever I have something nice to say to them, and I do my best to check in with my co-workers to make sure they are doing alright. There is already enough bullshit in the world. If someone snaps at me, I try my best to chalk it up to them having a bad day, and move on. I do not treat anybody any differently, no matter how they have treated me in the past.

This does not mean I do not know when people are being assholes to be assholes, or are trying to manipulate me. (This did, unfortunately, take me a long time to learn). One thing that is important to remember is that someone's actions are a reflection of them, not a reflection of you. But if someone is consistently an insufferable fucking twatwaffle, by all means stand up for yourself.

Too many times I have been told that I am "too nice" and that being kind is going to get me stepped on. I mean, fuck, it has plenty of times already, and I know it will happen again in the future. I do not let any of those bad experiences dim my shine. If someone needs to be told to fuck off, I tell them that. You should, too. Being nice and being a strong person that takes care of themselves are not mutually exclusive.

[hearthcraft-adventures]

All Your Stifled Emotions Are Still There, Living Inside You

Thank you, Co-Star, for that bit of sage advice. My first thought when I read this was, "This is why people go to therapy". Fuck, this is arguably an important piece of why I am in therapy.

I am one of those people that, when shit hits the fan, their logic brain tells their emotional brain, "You - in the corner. Face the wall. Let the adults talk. We will let you know when you can come out." I tend to process emotions out of the moment - while things are happening, I try my best to stifle and ignore. Is it neurodivergence, or because I never had a safe space to process big emotions as a child? Probably both. Aquarius moon probably has something to deal with it, too.

If I am being quite frank, I feel quite detached from my emotions. I know I feel things. I know I have trouble processing them sometimes. But I cannot always identify exactly what I am feeling. I have a color-coded emotions wheel somewhere in the depths of my computer to help me articulate what my characters are feeling when I am writing. My counselor told me to use that to try to help identify what I am feeling, too. (Spoiler : I always forget it exists when I actually need to use it for me).

This got me thinking a lot about shadow work. Which I have also been neglecting. For those that come across this that are unfamiliar with shadow work, I will go into the specifics more in-depth in another post.

Anyway, I started thinking about how there is a lot of work for myself - spiritual, psychological, and otherwise - that I just have not been doing. I tell myself that I do not have time for it, but the reality is that I am not making the time for it. I could take ten (10) minutes out of my day. I would just rather spend that ten (10) minutes doing anything else right now. Perfect example : I am writing a Tumblr post when I could be watching a training video for my up-coming death doula class.

I think the core thing I am trying to grasp at here is paralysis, where it exists in my life, and the underlying patterns behind it. I feel a big thing, I am not sure how to process it or what to do with it, so I do not. I do not feel like I have enough time for things, and I tend to be bad at planning and managing my time, so I do not make time for the things I want to be doing because I have so many other Big Obligations and they take more energy, more spoons, and more spell slots.

Maybe I should link my counselor to my Tumblr. Cerebral has made me chance twice in about as many months now, so it might be easier to direct all future ones here than to continuously re-explain everything I am dealing with. I mean, I know most of - if not all - of my bullshit will probably end up here some way or another anyway.

Where was I? Oh, right, emotions.

Whether you deal with them or not, they live in you. Like stress. Stress lives in the body until it is worked out properly. Likewise, emotions you ignore will live in whatever box you shove them in until they break out anyway. There is no escaping what lives in your mind - instead of trying to corral it, stick along for the ride. It might not be pleasant, but it might be necessary. The more things I experience, the more I can learn from them for next time. Even though I have barely scratched the surface, and I am at the very tip of the iceberg for what I am trying to do with myself, I know everything is progress.

[hearthcraft-adventures]

My mentor told me last year that the reason I was having trouble really making it happen and connecting with my abilities is the combination of self-doubt and not 100% believing and trusting it. I have a very analytical mind, I like logic, and my moon is in Aquarius. I have always wanted to believe, and this year I finally started making it happen. Every time I start to doubt myself, I remind myself of where I started.

Having someone else say out loud what I already knew and did not want to admit to myself helped me a lot. I think the other side of the coin that helped me was practicing Hearthcraft. Even if you do not believe magic is real, it is proven that controlling your home environment will work wonders in your life. By making my home life spiritual and magical, I really started to unlock my potential both as a person and as a witch.

To non-baby witches: when you started out, how did you make yourself believe in the magic? I’m at the stage where I believe that it could be real, but I have nothing solid, so I feel like any practicing I do is stupid and pointless. Is it just an over time/fake it till you make it thing, considering you didn’t believe in magic before you started practicing?

Sorry if this is weird. I keep leaving witchcraft behind because I’m struggling to believe in energies and things, but every time I leave I just have this sense of longing to return. Any tips or things to read would be appreciated.

[hearthcraft-adventures]

I grew up in an environment where relationships were hard. As the pattern goes, I proceeded to grow up to have relationships of my own that were also hard, stressful, and when I ended it with the last one in February I decided that I wasn’t going to commit to anyone unless they met my new impossible standard for humans:

Gomez Addams

Every time I ask myself, “Would Gomez Addams treat me this way?”, the answer must be “Yes”. No thinking about it. Just yes.

Honestly, I thought that would keep me single for at least a few years. If not forever.

I met that man at the end of June. His name is George. It took me into July to realize that truly healthy relationships are not suspicious, and I am so glad he’s mine. ❤️

[hearthcraft-adventures]

This reminds me of something I read somewhere, that goes something like, "We spend the first half of our lives learning to become adults, and the rest learning how to become a child". I often tell my friends that I am trying to die young as late as possible, and this does a great job of summing up what I mean. Kids do things for the sake of the thing itself, to have fun, not because they want to be the best or the brightest. It also reminds me of how a large part of shadow work is putting yourself back together, learning that you are artistic, a writer, a musician, etc., even if you are not "good" at whatever the thing is - but that is a post for another time.

[hearthcraft-adventures]

What is Hearthcraft?

My personal practice in witchcraft is Hearthcraft. If you have ever read The House Witch, it is an excellent read and gives one a good basis for beginning their own hearthcraft adventures. I will be posting about that book in the future, as I go through it chapter by chapter for those out there who are interested in learning more about hearthcraft and how to bring some of it into their own lives. The House Witch discusses the home itself, and the space and energy within. While that is definitely important - and a great place to begin - it is not the only aspect of hearthcraft (imo).

I believe that hearthcraft is three-fold : Hearth, Home, & Garden. Here, when I say "hearth" I mean "kitchen", since most homes originally had the cooking (and often worship of deities) done over the hearth. At its heart, hearthcraft is about turning your home into the safe haven it is meant to be. Not only so you feel safe, and have a wonderful environment in which to rest, recuperate, and work toward your goals, but because if you want to make real changes in your life, you really do need to start at home.

Like I said previously, a great place to begin ones hearthcraft is in the space itself. Feel the energy in your home. What is it like? Does your home have a name it is trying to whisper to you? Is it cluttered? Bare? Feel the space as much as you look at it. Is your home the way you envisioned it when you moved in? Are there improvements you want to make? How would you do that? Hearthcraft is not Feng Shui, but I believe there is definitely some overlap between the two (2), and Feng Shui is also a great thing to implement as a part of your hearthcraft practice. I moved into a new apartment at the end of June, and the place is still a work in progress. (We are getting there, one day at a time).

The next aspect of hearthcraft is kitchencraft, or kitchen witchcraft. Why? Every home has a kitchen. Food nourishes your body, your mind, your soul. What are you eating? How does it make you feel? How do you prepare it? What could be better? Pizza is a prosperity spell, if prepared correctly.

The last aspect is greencraft. Green witchcraft. Gardening. Plants. Bring some life into your home (literally). I have a large balcony, that I am slowly turning into the most wonderful balcony garden. Plants soothe the soul, not to mention gardening is a great way to add healthful, wholesome food into your life. If you do not know where to start, get a cactus. Really. They are nearly impossible to kill (I will still claim this even though my mother has been the in/direct cause of death to several of my cacti over the years).

TL;DR

Your home wants to care for you. But you also need to care for it. By reading the energy in your home in three (3) key areas - hearth, home, and garden - you can start to level up your life.

[hearthcraft-adventures]

We have all heard, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and hoping for a different result" - but this spider goes in circles over, and over, and over again, and eventually makes a web that is both her home and hunting grounds. Whenever we try to improve ourselves, we often find ourselves going in circles - but are we really? Or are we going round and round like the spider, trying to use that experience to build something better for ourselves?

[hearthcraft-adventures]

The Unconscious Mind Is The One Really Running The Show

The title above is what my Co-Star widget said to me this morning, after I checked my horoscope in Sanctuary (Are you even a witch if you do not use multiple astrology apps?). It got me thinking because there is so much truth to that statement.

From birth, we are taking in information - not only through our senses, but through our experiences and observations. I think a large aspect of human intuition - especially in professional settings - is really the subconscious mind picking up on things ahead of our conscious minds connecting the dots. We do what "feels right", and follow our instincts, and a lot of that comes from everything running in the background. Which leads to me theory that there are two (2) sides to one's intuition : The observational, and the spiritual.

"Observational intuition" is walking into a room and immediately knowing something is wrong. By looking at who is there, watching body language, one can gauge the energy and see tension. We know something is up even if we do not know exactly why, because our subconscious mind has already read everything it needs to know. You see a friend in passing, and by the way they said "hello" you know they're going through something, or something wicked great just happened to them. Because the subconscious mind already knows - the conscious mind just needs to catch up.

Then there's the Spiritual Intuition, the one everyone assumes we are talking about when we discuss intuition. I once had a dream in which my sibling died in a car crash ; over the course of that same week, both my mother and their ex had the same dream - I called them on Friday, and said, "I do not know what your weekend plans are, but you do not have them anymore". They listened. Is there a reason for all of us to connect that way? I am sure there is. My sibling's exact quote was, "When all three brands of hippy in your life have the same dream, you listen". But back to my original point.

As we grow, the unconscious mind is often the one really running the show. Countless psychology studies have proven that. Every day, we do things and we may not know why. "I am trying to eat healthier, why did I just go to McDonald's?" Or, "I am trying to clean my apartment, so why am I playing League of Legends?" Or losing your temper with someone you are trying to be more patient with. Replacing old habits with healthier ones, and trying to break negative feedback loops. It all goes back to the unconscious mind, the part of you that is really in control.

The next time you do something you did not consciously want to, and you are not sure why, follow the loose thread down the rabbit hole. You might be surprised as to where it leads, and hopefully you will learn more about yourself in the process.

[hearthcraft-adventures]

I have always enjoyed seeing posts from Tumblr on other social media platforms ; while I know I am definitely late to the party, I finally decided to make one. Over the past year, my life has changed dramatically - in all the best ways. I ended a five (5) year relationship, got a new job, moved, and I found the partner I have been waiting for. All in that order. Why not change my primary social media platforms, too? I feel like I am finally starting the adventure I was supposed to be on, and I cannot wait to see where the road takes me.