imsorryimsad25

[imsorryimsad25]

i’m struggling

i feel like i’m always struggling but asking for help feels like admitting defeat

it feels like ripping out organs it’s the hardest thing i’ve ever tried to do.

So i dont do it

[imsorryimsad25]

when there’s chaos is the only time my mind is clear and I can survive without the dark cloud covering it.

it lasts as long as it lasts which usually isn’t very long and then reality hits.

then i feel worse so so much worse i’m drowning in my own mind i’m scared and can’t stop spiraling

[imsorryimsad25]

I feel more normal when everything is wrong.

I dont sleep, dont eat, am sick or in constant pain, everything is going terribly, I want to cry and that the time I feel like myself again.

I am in pain and its the clearest my brain has been in months. I dont know why or how but I am happiest when im not and I know that’s horribly unhealthy yet its how it works for me.

[imsorryimsad25]

i feel like i’m pretending.

i was happy i am happy but then some switch went off in my head and it just hurts.

i don’t know what changed but i want to not feel hollow

[imsorryimsad25]

i feel like i have been free falling through a thunderstorm for months and nothing was going to catch me or save me and then i collided with you and we saved eachother without even realizing that we were in the storm

[imsorryimsad25]

i love music

i listen to every word in every song i listen to and want to know the meaning or make up one that i can relate to

that’s how i go about everything in life

caring too much and seeing things that aren’t there but telling everyone that it is.

it’s good but a bit lonely when you hear a song and think of someone and they listen to the same song and have no idea you even think about them.

the day it all changes and they listen to the words everything changes.

they start listening and looking for the double meanings with you.

[imsorryimsad25]

it’s that quiet car ride to the airport when you have nothing to say without it being sad or about being apart so you don’t say anything.

everything feels weird but you both know that without saying anything you are in solidarity about wanting to avoid more sadness.

avoiding may not be the best but it’s worked so far for me.

why not continue…

[imsorryimsad25]

i never want to take a risk but god do i love the fear.

it’s like when the airplane is in decent and shakes people screaming or holding on and i’m there smiling thinking about all of the possibilities.

sure it could be a disaster, it could all end that moment or nothing could happen and it could also be the exact same but what i want is for the fear to be so bad that i make a decision on what i want.

what i would have wanted; it’s terrifying and amazing

[imsorryimsad25]

do you ever really know someone ?

every tiny detail about them?

[imsorryimsad25]

i feel like i am going to drag everyone down with me if i open up

i don’t know why but the idea of telling anyone close to me how bad my brain is and how hard everything is will make them either be sad or just make them hate me for making them sad or bring them down while they try to take care of me which would just hurt me worse if i’m hurting someone i love

so i just don’t let anyone in.

It hurts but i am scared of the possibility of it hurting more and losing someone at the same time

[imsorryimsad25]

I think im a terrible person

but I dont know how to get an answer from anyone else without them being concerned for me

I know im not the worst and im not going to do anything crazy I just think im horrible and want someone to disagree with me

but they cant because no one knows

[imsorryimsad25]

you were too special

i thought you might be the one

but i couldn’t risk losing you

[imsorryimsad25]

Im miserable

everything feels too hard and every interaction I have feels like it was wrong and that im going to be hated for it but I dont know how to ask for the reassurance

I just want someone to tell me that I made the right decision but I won’t even believe them because they dont know everything thats going on in my head but no one knows what’s going on in my head because I dont tell anyone anything

I dont even tell myself I push everything down until I stop thinking about the possibility and then no one ever knows but I feel horrible

[imsorryimsad25]

i feel like every decision i make is the wrong one

I think about them and over think for days weeks months even years.

I think of every pro and con of every decision and think about every what if and the positive and negative outcomes of these decisions I made months ago and I can stop thinking about them

I just want my brain to let things go but they never go they stay for years and hurt me even when everyone else has moved on im stuck there and hurting myself and no one knows

[imsorryimsad25]

every time you send me a text i get this little nervous bubble in my stomach

i’m not sure if your going to bring it back up and make me rethink my whole life

or if you just want to say hi

[imsorryimsad25]

I feel like everything I do is the wrong thing and then I think about it for days and months and years and hate myself for one little slip up that no one else noticed or will remember five minutes after it happened.

But even though I know that it does not dull the hatred I have for myself and I dont really know how to fix that.

I don’t know how to fix me.

[imsorryimsad25]

one of my biggest fears since i was a child has been space and the utter unknowns it holds and the second i was told that the sun will eventually explode it has been a core fear in my life and that has really moved into all of the aspects of my life because i am utterly terrified that the sun of my life will be hurt. i’m just going to have to hold them close and never let them go.