jkid4

[jkid4]

I’ve finally found the original version of the hypno’s naptime hypnosis scene from hypno’s naptime. There is a original version of drowzee’s hypnosis scene but it went over tumblr’s file size limit:

You can find both on https://jamesfantastic.wordpress.com/2018/04/06/pokemon-hypnos-naptime/

[jkid4]

Pokemon headcanons - Dusclops

Dusclops is a nocturnal pokemon haunts thick forests during the night. When travelers in the forests encounter him, he will approach them and uses his ghostly hands to grab the persons face or body in front of him. Finally, dusclops single eye turns purple and shines purple streams of bewitching light towards the victims face affecting his vision,

The purple streams of light are Dusclops confuse ray variant. In some cases, Dusclops may use mean look to prevent the person from escaping after he sees the pokemon before using  confuse ray.

After which, the victim may either wonder around the forest until the effects wore out by the morning, or he or she may get absorbed into Dusclops body by walking into it. Dusclops body, while hollow, is like a black hole. Anything that get absorbed into his body will never get out unless the pokemon takes the person or thing out of his body.

The person, affected by the confusing light, may be stuck inside his body until daytime where he will wonder where he is and what happened after he saw the confuse ray.

[jkid4]

Everything I'm looking forward to during the summer is now canceled where I live.

Meanwhile some states are opening up their economies solely because their unemployment insurance funds are being insolvent and they not honest about that to their citizens and they got pressured by AstroTurfed protestors who want their applebees and haircuts.

For me, a person who is socially isolated because I was forced to caregiver for my unemployed mother for 5 years, I'm basically stuck in the house until Fall or Winter 2020 with nothing to look forward to for the next 5 months. No conventions, no museums, no concerts, everything is being shoved to winter or next year.

Unfortunately there's a good chance these states that opened up will start airing ads during the summer begging us to visit their states even though there's no events happening there since the summer season has been wiped out and at the same time a barrage of adverts screaming for us to vote Trump or Biden while everyone struggling to live.

I'm basically stuck in the house until Fall 2020 or Jan 2021, while naive americans lie to themselves of how great and wonderful the end of "quarantine" will be even though the summer season of conventions and events have been wiped out.

I personally hope the massive dopamine hit these morons getting right now from being socially narcissistic manics was worth it!

Summer is canceled and 2021 is canceled as well by the time it’s over.

[jkid4]

For those of you who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, proud of who you are but can't be openly public: This pride flag is for you.

[jkid4]

If caregivers are so noble, admirable, heroic...

1. Why they cant get financial support?

2. Why they cant get paid lot of money when they're done caregiving?

3. Why they cant get help via aides to do the work for them?

4. Why they dont have a job waiting for them when their duties end?

5. Why they cant get a support network when they're done caregiving.

6. Why they cant get a apartment waiting for them when theyre done caregiving.

7. Why they cant get a package of movies, anime, video games that they had to miss out because their finances had to support them?

8. Why they dont get assistance traveling overseas to relax after years of forced caregiving?

9. Why they cant get medical help for all the treatments and checkups they have to forgo while caregiving their loved ones?

10. Why they cant get any help after their duties end?

If caregivers are considered so noble to assfarting people, why they cant get anyjelp when we do reach out? And why we are treated as garbage by society and rejected when we try to reintergate.

I heard the words admirable, noble, heroic too many times and everytime I hear it feel shit.

This country does not care about the wellbeing of informal caregivers at all. People give us platitudes and refuse to help, and when we are done they actively reject barriers that prevent reintegration: Such as bad credit, social alienation, and picky employers that reject caregivers with valuable skills because of a long gap and temp agencies that wont touch them because of a long gap.

Almost no one cares about informal caregivers especially young caregivers, even when they're done caregiving. They just expect them to exist so when they reach out for help they spout their worthless platirudes to them.

[jkid4]

"Please don't kill yourself! Think of how many rad things that you don’t have the money for! Cool video games that you can't enjoy or play! Sick animes that you don't have the money for! Crazy trips to beautiful places that you will never see in your life! Super good tacos to eat that you can't buy! If you can't afford or don't have the money at least experience being homeless before you end your life!" 

-----------

People who spout this crap don't care if the person does not have the money or energy to enjoy escapism"

It's the worst guilt trip anyone can say, and will cause the suicidal person to end their lives quicker because you inadvertently invalidate their whole lives.

[jkid4]

For those who are forced to skip the holidays to work in fast food and retail, thanks for your service.

You're all braver than the troops.

[jkid4]

Spending Christmas Alone

It’s been over a year since I posted my cry for help in 2018, and I still remember it and the overwhelming response to it. The money I’ve received helped me and my family a lot to starve off eviction. Good news it that due to some foresight I took when I was at the Prince Georges County Social Services Office I was able to get Social Security Disability Insurance around March 2019. I had to use over half of the backpay to support my parents who still could not get a job no matter how hard they tried. I was also burnt out from emotionally, physically, and financially care-giving and I’ve been running on zero for years, despite the fact that I’ve gotten SSDI and this source of the burn out is from my parents. Ending my own life was not option and abandoning my parents isn’t an option because everyone in my family will call me a pile of shit instead of stepping up in my absence. I was simply forced to endure it because no one else wants to help.

I was simply forced to endure until I could not deal with it anymore. And that point came when my autistic brother had a seizure while on the his laptop and my mother was upset and screaming fearing that my brother is going to die. I could not control her emotions no matter what I done in the past, it was all bioscripted. After the incident, and the day where I visited the hospital and told my mom politely that I can’t support the family anymore and I did all I could as my brother needs round the clock care.

It took me 10 days from that to starting packing and starting to find a place to live, and for me for a person who knows no one that can help and public housing and section 8 is non existent anywhere, it was pure luck that I found a room in a house for 650 dollars and near a bus line to a metrorail station. I had to pay it out of my own pocket and from the student loan refund because social services explicitly told me that unless you have children or pregnant, regardless of disability, they will not help you with moving or rental assistance.

At one point, and I was serious, I planned to just put all of my stuff into storage, everything and just traveled across the country, because is relatively cheaper to live as a homeless person on SSDI and food stamps than to pay any money for a roof over your head.

My brother is at a group home, my mom and dad are making sure he’s doing ok and good. I’ve signed up for a part time care-giving service so I can be paid when I have to visit my parents to watch my brother. Unfortunately I have to wait for my pay to come because my first check I was supposed to received in direct deposit was sent by check instead and they it was lost in the mail. So I have to wait until next week Friday to receive it.

My mom finally has a job, paying 15 dollars a hour for the next six months with a possibility for being hired permanently. She’s also trying to get a small business running to make money on transporting elderly people to and from places using a used van. As for the house, it’s already three months behind, and I’ve told my parents to sell the house or rent it out if we can’t catch up with the mortgage. I’ve done all I could, and I’ve done enough. I come back to check on them on a periodic basis to make sure that the house is OK and make sure the trash and recycling is taken out. She’s also filed for bankruptcy, which means all of her debts are clean off.

As for me, I might has my independence back, but I’m paying for it for the rest of my life. Credit cards deb thave since been defaulted which I have to pay of for the rest of my life, same thing with student loans. This is because I’m unemployable due to a number of reasons that normal people can’t and don’t want to understand. Too many employers, even temp agencies don’t want a gap, and despite having relevant skills, too many employers don’t take resume reading seriously.

And NO, employers don’t accept caregiving as volunteer experience. Caregiving is not something you volunteer as you get nothing from it when you’re done caregiving or can’t do it anymore other than “just go to social services”.

And you will not believe the unsociltzed advice and advice dumps I get when I tell people online about my ordeal: Go watch a movie, travel, go date. Do I look I have money for all of this? And go date? Dating has changed, everyone uses phone apps to date. Worse, after age 30 you’re not supposed supposed to approach people anymore. Society has changed, and most people are stuck in the Pre-Great Recession era when it comes to getting social relations advice and job advice.

And too many employers for good paying jobs want a credit check and many will not hire anyone with a bad credit rating for any reason. This includes federal jobs, because there’s simply too many people who are in a better life position than I do. So I’m basically unemployed for life.

Oh why not the gig economy? I don’t have a car for most of them.

As for my relatives that refused to help or didn’t want to help, I can tell you straight up, that none of them offered me or my parents any help since I moved away. None of them. More proof that caregivers are just disposable and just told to shove themselves back into the job market. It worth nothing that none of them called me to say Merry Christmas, not even my friends or people I know who I contact on a regular basis. I basically don’t exist.

And this is one part of many of my life is destroyed by caregiving. I’m expected to rebuild my life with the scraps of what’s left of society that has radically changed in the past 5 years. It’s very difficult to reenter society as a ex-caregiver because there’s no resources online, and resources available are those assuming you have a large inhertance given to you. I have no motivation to live, no desires, and the interests I used to have are just chores. Chores to make sure that people who knew I was struggling for years, see that I’m still alive and I have not ended it my life. Aniem conventions, tv shows, anime, films, games, they’re all chores that I do so I won’t have to think about ending my life because my future no longer exist.

The only reason I’m not dead is because my parents would be upset, the people who know me but don’t contact me on facebook or whatever will be upset.

Even people I know, suddenly turn into social landmines because of something I did that I was out of my control, and already one of my convention exhibiters became a social landmine immediately. I didn’t knew she was going to turn into a landmine because all the years I’ve could have developed social skills was diverted to being a unpaid therapist to my long-unemployed mom. It’s simply not fair that I have to pay for this for the rest of my life for things too many people proudly take for granted.

I have too many things I wanted to do: It’s not a bucket list but a Dead List: Things I have to do before election day 2020, everything that I wanted to do before my life was stolen when I was forced to caregive for five years. After Election Day 2020, I’m done. I don’t belong in a society that has become unsympathic to caregivers or those pushed out of the lifescript or it has become polarized politically polarized. And I don’t see a future for American society other than a dystopic hellworld that I’m not equipped for and there is no future for me other than existing day to day just experiencing a dystopian hellworld that I have no interest seeing because I already know how 2020 will end and no one will believe me. If I was not forced to caregiver, I would not be worried about this, I would be more than prepared, but for me I have no interest experiencing a dystopia so that others won’t be upset.

I wanted to post this on tumblr so bad, but I had no energy to write or type this out or to post because the motivation is simply gone. While I’m back in school, all I’m doing is building more debt.

As for this Christmas? I spent it alone, I’ve only called my parents to say merry Christmas and see how they were all doing including my autistic brother. And the only thing I ate is a large baked chicken I’ve bought two weeks ago that I didn’t had the motivation to eat until today. And someone had to audacity on Reddit to insist I have a merry Christmas, even though I expressed misery.

I even didn’t had the energy to promote my gofundme because I simply don’t have a celebrity that can help me. Because in this day and age, unless you know someone that can help or have gobbs of money there is no way out of poverty.

So yeah a person with autism who has his life destroyed by caregiving, and no relative or friend or loved one to spend time with on Christmas. More proof that ex-caregivers are worthless to society despite how “noble” and “admirable” they are. But not noble enough for society to help them when they’re done caregiving and when isolated and alienated.

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If for some unknown reason this post blows up:

https://gofundme.com/help-jkid-get-out-of-debt/ - That’s my gofundme

https://www.paypal.me/Jkid4 - my paypal

https://cash.app/$Jkid - My cashapp

https://www.patreon.com/Jkid - My patreon for some unknown reason people are interested in what I’m doing as a hobby.

[jkid4]

I don't look forward to Christmas these days, but I was at union station and caught the union station Christmas tree lighting up. Funny that most people still record videos vertically instead of horizontally in this day and age.

[jkid4]

I’ve finally moved out from my parents.

As of October 25 2019, I’ve officially moved out from my parents. I’ve been caregiving for my parents for the past 5 years, and it was gotten to the point where I could not do it anymore. The cause of me finally moving out from my parents was a traumatic incident, involving my autistic brother having a seizure. Ironically, I’ve completed online training for first aid and I immediately knew what to do and called 911.

I still remember the sounds and the sights of the day clearly from my brother suffering the seizure, him being carried out to the ambulance with my mom accompanying him, mom briefly in a mental breakdown and having to stay in the hospital counseling area. I told my mom and dad the honest truth that I’ve done all I could to help her and you, he needs around the clock care that I can’t provide, and I need a long vacation. My parents knew what was going on, they knew that I needed my own life and decided to let me go. I was so mentally and physically stressed out from everything that it took me 24 hours to start packing and a further three days to start looking.

It was out of pure luck that I’ve found an affordable room in a house with utilities and wifi available with no additional charge.It was the only thing I can do because section 8 and public housing in this country is practically non-existent, and social services in Maryland does not provide emergency rental or moving assistance unless you have children and even Maryland 211 was not helpful except homeless shelters. It cost me 1300 dollars and 100 in moving costs to move there and two and half weeks to move in and settle in. People think moving is not expensive, but it is. Especially when you’re unemployed long-term and only have monthly SSDI.

My brother will be OK, he’s in a group home. The good news is that my mom and dad finally have jobs lined up, they’re waiting for an offer letter and start date. They told me that they will start working on December 1st and my mom has a temporary position with FedEx for the weekends. But they’re two months behind on the rent, and I’m not sure if eviction proceedings will begin on December. But I’ve done all I could and I need to have my own life.

For me, caregiving has ruined me emotionally, socially, financially, and physically. I have to sacrifice a lot of things so many people take for granted. My credit rating has been ruined, and I’ve been unemployed for so long that no employer wants to touch me in this job market, not even fast food or retail. I’m not in a mental or physical state to work full-time anymore because I’ve been on survival mode for 5 years without help from government or charity. Even basic living and self-care is a struggle because my mindset was changed to supporting their needs first instead of mine because they can’t get the help they need from their own government and relatives. If my parents relatives would have just stepped up, I would not be in so much financial, emotional, and physical pain.

I could have had a career, a house of my own, marriage with a significant other, savings, a side gig that I would have branched into my own business, traveled to Japan or Taiwan or Britain. But I’m so far behind society wise, and the world has practically changed, and it has gotten to the point where I’m simply alienated on how things work. It's bad enough I have autism, it's worse when it's impossible to reintegrate into society.Everything is so politically polarized, relationships are dependent on apps and social media, it has completely changed. It seems like I was made for 2014 and my future was stolen when I was starting to look forward to it. By the way things look like society wise, there’s only one year left of stability before everything collapses. After November 2020, it’s over and I see that society will collapse and I would be able to fit in completely.

The only thing I can look forward to is anime and fan conventions every year, a massive backlog of videos, movies, tv shows, and games I have deferred from watching and enjoying for years, and finally developing the YouTube channel I wanted to do, and write novels I never got a chance to write. For the most part I’ll be turtling in from society, and unless I have to go out or want to go out, I’ll be staying in. I'm better off being a selective hermit in this dysfunctional society than trying to re-enter it because there is no support for ex-caregivers like me in America.

My gofundme is still active, and I will be still promoting it, just not as often as I should be. It’s going to be a struggle getting out from a financial grave because I did not had a choice in the matter.

[jkid4]

It finally happened. I'm no longer a caregiver. I am relieved, but I have nowhere to go and lost.

On October 15th 2019, something horrible happened to our household. I never told anyone on this blog this, and I don't do regular updates but I'm horrible on the social media thing because of I'm a private person for the most part. On the evening of October 15th 2019, my brother, who has autism (like me, but of a lower level than me) just before dinner, had a seizure. I just completed my first aid training on a website on the Sunday before it happened.

It happened when I was settling in on Tuesday, after some days moving upstairs to in hopes of renting out the basement room. I left the door open just in case. Then I heard a faint sound of my mom saying “Ndee...Ndee”, due to my hypervilgilence where I get sensitive to certain sounds I got up and brought my phone. Almost immediately I saw my brother on the ground on the carpet shaking with him bleeding from the mouth. I knew what to do by instinct because my brother never suffered a seizure before by calling 911.

I told my mom I'm calling 911. As soon as the operator pickup ed the line, I told her “We need a ambulance now! My brother is having a seizure! He's bleeding through the mouth!” I couldn't hear what the operator saying because my mom tried to get him to breathe after the seizure,and she ended up  having one of her fingers punctured because my brothers teeth/jaw was sealed shut during the seizure. She was screaming “WE NEED A AMBULANCE NOW!” “WE NEED ONE NOW!” “ MY SON IS HAVING A SEIZURE”, while trying to comfort him while he was face down on the ground. I could not hear what the operator was saying because my mom was screaming out of pain of of worry that my brother is not breathing.  The entire call lasted ten minutes.

Luckily, the fire department, which was a volunteer fire department that is literary a stones throw from the house responded within 10 minutes. I told them what happened and directed them to the living room. My mom who told the paramedics everything and my brother, who was disorientated after seizure, after assessing the situation, went to the hospital. I didn't ate anything from the prepared dinner  until the morning after.

I went there the next day in the afternoon, I saw my autistic brother laying down sleeping in drained after suffering a seizure. After I saw my brother, met the hospital staff supporting my brother and my mom. I went down to grab dinner: A simple hamburger with chips, and a soda. When my mom came down: I told her the honest truth: “The entire situation was traumatizing. I can't do this anymore. I need a long vacation.” She knew what was going on with me, and she knew the situation and she accepted the fact that it was time for me to go and have my own life.

At this point, I'm free. I'm free of caregiving for my parents and my brother. But I don't seem to belong in this society anymore. I'm unemployable in the IT field, barely have any social network, my only income is SSDI, and if I can't find a place to live I'll be homeless.

My brother will be fine, he has a group home to go to. He needs round the clock care at this point that my parents nor me can provide. My parents will be fine, they can finally get jobs, even temp jobs because they realize that they can’t rely on me anymore. For me I've sacrificed my career, my health, my social life, my future so they won't be in a homeless shelter, because their relatives won't help them. These same relatives didn’t even visit my brother for the past 7 days while he’s in the hospital.

 If people think caregiving is so noble and admirable and heroic, where's the prizes and riches like the heroes in isekai light novels and anime? Where's my home and a place to live, after years of putting myself into poverty supporting my parents and my brother.

At this point, I'm packing up my stuff and finding a room for rent somewhere, because all the public housing and rent assistance programs are non-existent. If I can't find a room, I'll just have to be homeless., move remaining of my stuff in storage. I'll travel for a while, see the country, do whatever I wanted to do, before it completely falls apart in political strife.

But what I really want, as a person who is a caregiver for the past 5 years, to have somewhere to live, some place to turtle from a society that loves caregivers, but won't help them when they're done. That's what I want. While I might be relived, I'm lost. I merely exist, but I don't belong on this earth, because my future is has been robbed is gone forever.

There are no resources or support for ex-caregivers like me, especially those who have autism/aspergers, to have a fresh start in life.

All I want to do is to rest for every year I've been caregiving for my parents and brother. I want to do everything I wanted to do before I was forced to caregive for the past 5 years, for the times I have to push through despite running on empty for the past 2 years. And for the times that I’ve been mentally and emotionally fatigued.

That is my wish: The rest and slowly recover so I can have a new life.

[jkid4]

I’m done dealing with my mom

My own mom just played mind games and gaslit me when I was checking up on her claiming that she moved out of the house and getting her things tomorrow. I had to call her bluff and act like a surrogate husband. And I’ve just did an extension on the water and electric bill until early next month so she can buy some time to help me pay them and told her about it.

Then she accused me of taking too long to move out when I agreed to stay until she got a job when I was approved for SSDI.

I had to counter her accusations AND called her out on her bullshit while guilt tripping and she admits that she was playing a stupid mind game. Already I can tell that this was not normal behavior as I could not tolerate it anymore.

 At this point I already have a bookbag ready to get out ASAP, but I barely have any money to move out. 

I’ve supported her for five years, sacrificing my mental and physical health and my future so that she won’t be in a homeless shelter or on the streets and I can tell that her sudden change of tune due to her old age that she’s beginning to be ungreatful for what I’m doing.

I don’t care what happens to me anymore. I just have to get out the house by this Sunday, I can’t deal with this anymore. If I have to be homeless and have my mom and this household collaspe, so be it. I’m done.

If my gofundme was fullfilled right now, I would have given my mom 2500 dollars and for me to keep the rest so I can have a fresh start.

I wanted to start focusing on my IT and tech studies, my YouTube channel about anime and otaku culture, and just recover my mental health but if I have to put up with this shit I rather be homeless for the rest of my life, maybe my family would start being grateful for more than my existance.

I have done enough for my family and I want this to end.

Here are the fundraising links if you choose to help me:

Paypal: https://www.paypal.me/Jkid4

Cashapp: https://cash.me/$Jkid

Gofundme: https://www.gofundme.com/help-jkid-get-out-of-debt/

Thanks and god bless

[jkid4]

I've been laying on the ground for the past 2 hours and I have no energy to get up.

Being a caregiver takes a toll on your body that you simply do not have the energy except to do the bare minimum...

#autism

#saveJkid https://t.co/oN414qEP7G

[jkid4]

Yuki Matsuzaki (松崎悠希) shared a tv clip from another twitter user named ゆめ from the talk show "Our Time" featuring Masako Nozawa (Voice Actor of Goku in the Dragon Ball Series) and two other voice actors talking about the The Power of Anime and the effect it had on a sick son that his father reached out to her about.

The story itself is touching by itself and so much so the doctors who handled the medical case could not understand how the boy lasted for another 6 months. 

Was it his dying will?

Source of twitter thread can be seen here: https://twitter.com/Yuki_Mats/status/1171898517381468160

[jkid4]

The persona 5 royal opening was released on YouTube, so I took the liberty of subtitling it. You're welcome!

[jkid4]

I'm not sure if this letter will be read. But I already made up my mind in case it does not get read. I’ve sent it to The Ellen Show Twitter handle for it to be seen.

But I’ve already made up my mind.

[jkid4]

I can not forgive myself, because I have no choice. 

I can not forgive myself, because relatives and people who could have helped when I reached out for help, pushed me or gave up easily.

I can not forgive myself, because I keep getting meaningless platitudes and invalidation when I tell people who proudly take their lives for granted that I can’t caregiver or support my parents anymore.

I can not forgive myself, because society does not forgive anyone who suggest to abandon my parents.

I can not forgive myself, because I will never be a normal functioning human being again because I have been in survival mode for five years.

I will forgive myself when I’m dead