mental-mess-lol

[mental-mess-lol]

This week has been really hard. I have hurt myself almost every day. It’s been in pretty much every form I’ve ever done before and it’s bad. It’s more visible than usual. When I do it often, I run out of room in my discreet spots. I’m going up to my friends lake house in New Hampshire this weekend and I’m scared my other friends or her mom will say something.

[mental-mess-lol]

This is so real. Every time I have a bad day and eat too much I always end up puking it up but like I don’t have time for this

I feel so overwhelmed with school right now and there isn't enough time for everything. There isn't enough time to have an eating disorder. Why did I spend 2 hours on Tumblr looking at thinspo instead of studying. Just to eat 2000 calories anyway.

I hate this and I hate my body and I hate my brain.

Why wasn't I made naturally skinny

[mental-mess-lol]

Me recently. One, I don’t have the energy (physical or mental) to make food and two, i dont want to spend the time eating it. It’s pointless

eating is inconvenient

it’s time consuming - preparing, cooking, eating

all the time you spend eating, you could be spending on improving yourself

make sure to make it worth your while when you eat

[mental-mess-lol]

Me 24/7 recently

I am not a dog I do not need a treat.

I am not a dog I do not need a treat.

I am not a dog I do not need a treat.

I am not a dog I do not need a treat.

[mental-mess-lol]

that’s how I feel right now. I know it’s messed up, but sometimes I’ll purposely drink a ton of water to fill my stomach so the feeling of hunger will come back. It’s sick but the feeling of hunger is so comforting to me

the best feeling in the world os when it gets to 8:30pm and your stomach is still empty

[mental-mess-lol]

For me, it’s such a weird experience that is hard to explain. On one hand, you feel so much guilt for not only letting yourself down but all of those who love you. You just know the more marks you make on yourself, they more likely the public is going to realize. But on the other hand there is such an overwhelming sense of relief. You aren’t fighting to not do it anymore and it’s such a sickly soothing feeling. For me, I also get comfort from being able to care for my wounds; having something to focus on other than painful existence

[mental-mess-lol]

This is so real and so valid; it sucks when I feel like that

i feel out of place today. like i’m not supposed to be here, i feel like crying and throwing up and screaming and ripping my skin off

i need to cvt so i can feel real.

[mental-mess-lol]

guys I’m loosing it

I seriously think I should go to some sort of at least intensive therapy over the summer. I don’t think I need an inpatient facility but I definitely need some sort of help. I need group therapy in addition to one-on-one therapy. (I also think I should possibly be on medication to help deal with these crazy urges to hurt myself and extreme feelings of depression.)

I’m driving myself mad with all the setbacks. Instead of getting a few hours or days past my last clean streak I’m constantly falling days short. I’ve started injuring myself in some form probably 6 out of 7 days of the week; it’s really not good. I think about it almost constantly which I know is a bad warning sign of something.

stay safe and healthy. Remember to eat, drink, get some fresh air, and walk a few laps around a room if you can’t go for a walk outside! Love yall!💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

[mental-mess-lol]

today I read a poem that really resonated with me

“Why do people never talk about the part of depression when you just don't want anything anymore? Everybody talks about when it hurts like hell, when you cry, when you cut, when you take drugs, when you break down. But no one ever talks about when you just lay down in your room, with a hole inside of you that you don't know how to fill, and you don't want to do anything even the things you usually like. So you just spend your day kinda waiting for it to end. And it's horrible because you feel empty and guilty for that at the same time.”

I’m not actually sure if it counts as a poem or just a short price of writing, but it’s exactly how I feel. There have been so many days where I feel as though I don’t have the mental or physical energy to do anything but lay on the floor. I just cry and lay on the floors for hours, not having the energy to move.

[mental-mess-lol]

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING: eating disorder and consequences of starvation⚠️

(Also, sorry if there are misspelled words or horrible grammar in my posts, most of them are written in an emotional form where I do not want to proofread them before I hit post)

Recently, so much more of my hair has been falling out than before. I knew a lot of people loose hair when they develop an eating disorder but I guess I didn’t realize just how much hair they lose. I’ve had a “lighter” or “more relaxed” eating disorder (for lack of a better term) for a while, meaning I was just super health conscious and would skip breakfast. Within the past year or year and a half I have gotten a lot worse sometimes going 3, almost 4 days without eating anything and most days only eating maybe a piece of fruit and sort of a yogurt. I had never lost that much hair before, but that was probably because I was closer to being on a diet than having an actual disorder. When I realized a couple weeks ago that a lot more of my hair was falling out and I hadn’t got my period in a few months, I got concerned.

I knew my eating disorder had gotten worse but I didn’t really notice by how much until I was forced to take a step back and look at my life from an outside perspective. I now realize I am in deep, but I don’t know what to do to dig myself out of the hole I’m in. Does anyone have any suggestions besides talking to my parents? I would liek to avoid a psych ward visit if possible.

[mental-mess-lol]

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING: self harm, depression, anxiety, eating disorder. ⚠️

I have been struggling so much with urges to sh recently. It feels like the only time I can avoid it is if I haven’t eaten in at least 24-32 hours. And the only time my eating disorder isn’t completely ruling my every move is when I’ve self harmed within the last 3 days. It’s so hard, I’m falling apart constantly.

There are so many marks on me at this point that there is no way my parents and siblings won’t find out this summer. Thus far, it’s only been my friends and sister that have known about my eating disorder but not even my sister knows about my sh. People are going to find out and I’m worried that they will make me go to an inpatient place. Knowing my mother, she would fight that a place away from everyone else is best for me but my friends are my support system; they are the only thing keeping me alive. I would be more sad in there without them than I am right now. That is why I believe that if I go anywhere, it should be outpatient; so that I can still go home to see my family and friends.

[mental-mess-lol]

Here are some hotlines that I hope you never need but they are here if you do ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

http://www.wannatalkaboutit.com

(988 is obviously also used for mental crises)

Bullying hotline: 1 (800) 420-1479

Canadian suicide hotline (the US one may be defunded and also for those who don’t live in the US): 1 (877) 330-6366

Depression hotline: 1 (630) 482-9696

Drug / alcohol hotline: 1 (877) 235-4525

Eating disorder hotline: 1 (630) 577-1330

Grief support hotline: 1 (650) 321-3438

Lifeline hotline: 1 (800) 784-8433

Mental health hotline: 1 (800) 442-9673

Self harm hotline: 1 (800) 366-8288

Sexual assault hotline: 1 (800) 656-4673

Suicide hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255

There is also a really cute thing where you call a number and a kid’s motivational message goes through; it’s called kid’s help phone: 1 (800) 668-6868

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My original post from my other account

Sorry guys that I haven’t been posting/reblogging much, my mental health has been so much worse recently and it’s hard to figure out responses when I’m so burnt out. I promise I am attempting to find a therapist, it’s just hard to find someone you trust, is near you, takes your insurance, AND has availability. I’m completely exhausted (and should arguably probably be in an outpatient facility) but I will try my hardest to still make posts as much as possible.

Love you all and I hope you are doing well or at least dealing with your struggles better than I am ❤️❤️❤️‍🩹

[mental-mess-lol]

Hey y’all! (I am not from the south, it’s just fun to say). This is my little introduction about myself.

I am queer (sapphic, lesbian, honestly I have no idea), I’m probably gender fluid (afab but still trying to figure out what is happening with thy gender), I’m 19, and I am practically a walking mental health trigger warning.

I have: depression, generalized anxiety, social anxiety, SPD (sensory processing disorder), AuDHD, PTSD, I have some weird mash up of multiple eating disorders, I struggle with self harm, and I’m probably missing some.

I will probably mostly be ranting about mental health or gender-related things here and probably reposting relatable or helpful posts.

Feel free to ask me any questions or reach out to me for help ❤️‍🩹